Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 1 - Warrior of the Lost World - full transcript

* in the not-too-distant
future *

* next Sunday, a.D.

* there was a guy
named Joel *

* not too different
from you or me *

* he worked
at gizmonic institute *

* just another face
in a red jumpsuit *

* he did a good job
cleaning up the place *

* but his bosses
didn't like him *

* so they shot him
into space *

* we'll send him
cheesy movies *

- * the worst we can find
- * la la la

* he'll have to sit
and watch them all *

- * and we'll monitor his mind
- * la la la

* now keep in mind
Joel can't control *

- * where the movies
begin or end *
- * la la la

* because he used
those special parts *

* to make his robot friends

let's go.

- Cambot.
- Pan left.

Hi, girl.

What a cool guy.

A wisecracker.

* if you're wondering how
he eats and breathes *

- * and other science facts
- * la la la

* then repeat to yourself
"it's just a show *

* "I should really
just relax *

* for..."

* mi mo mu

okay, well, I think
that's about it, Tom.

I just, uh, recommend
keeping it brief and low-key.

Well, with all
due respect, Joel,

I've been of the opinion

that this little
introduction of ours

should really
be thought-out and, well,

much more ceremonial.

Oh, okay, well--
hi, everybody.

Uh, today, I'm handing over
the official welcoming duties

to our own Tom servo.

- Why, thank--
- [microphone feedback]

Why, thank you, Joel.

Our very own
Mr. Joel Robinson,

ladies and gentlemen,
and his automaton sidekick,

crow. [Laughs]
What a delight, eh?

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Children of all ages.
I'm Tom servo.

And it is my sincere pleasure
to welcome all of you aboard

the satellite of love.

Before we begin,
the management has asked

that I point out the restrooms
located fore and aft.

And that you
do please join US--

- [clears throat]
- Oh.

That you do please join US

for a brief
question and answer period

after the symposium
following my opening remarks.

[Clears throat]

As I stand here tonight,

I am reminded
of an amusing anecdote

in which I saw crow
walking down the hall.

I said to him,
as I am oft wont to do,

you're dying out here.

--As I am oft wont to do.

And I called
to my friend, crow,

uh, and I said, "crow...

"My... my friend," uh,

I seem to have
lost my place.

Just bear with me a second--

- looking for page two?
- What?

We-- we seem to be having
some technical difficulty.

Excuse me a moment,
won't you?

Crow!

We'll be right back!

Come here! Take this--

what're you-- just--

eat it! Eat it, yes!

Taste it all! Yes!

Swallow it! Every bite!

I'm sorry, crow.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, Tommy, I'm sorry, too.

I-- I had no idea I could
fluster you so much.

I... I really feel bad.

I'm sorry I made you
eat my speech.

- No, I liked it.
- Oh, it's no big deal, crow.

I'm sure I'll have
another big debut someday.

I'll tell you one thing.
I really pitted out

my sport coat here.

I'm a regular Tom Jones.

Hey-- hey, you guys.
Come on.

I could see the light flashing
all the way down the hall.

The buttafuoco's
are calling.

Afternoon, Joel.

Hello, robot super-pals.

If you have a moment,
and I assume you do,

frank and I would like
to demonstrate

an amazing new
fitness product.

It's called
the square master.

You see,
the square master

allows you to maximize
your human potential.

Because square master

uses one of nature's
most perfect shapes

for your perfect shape.

How does it work? Frank?

Square master
allows you to utilize

complicated principles
of inertia and mass.

Simply, efficiently,
naturally.

How? By using nature's

perfectly-balanced
muscle resistant.

Gravity.

That's right, for a beginning
anaerobic workout,

start with hands on
the outside of the square.

Then, when you're ready,

go inside the square.

Put your feet on the square.

Sit on the square
and simulate rowing.

As your workout improves,

you can link
two squares together

to form a rectangle.

Now you're
really working out.

And for full
aerobic conditioning,

work on your shemp area.

Woop woop-woop-woop...

The sweet secret
of the square master

is its dynamic patented
square area.

Exercise working...

I can really feel it here.

Thank you, square master.

Square master. $49.95.

Or three payments of $29.95.

It's hip to be square.

Your turn, Joel.

Gee, that frank's
got a cute shape.

Well, of course, he does.

He doesn't work,
and he's got oodles of time.

Okay, you two,
that's enough.

Well, sirs, do you
remember the innocence

of a childhood
Valentine's day?

The excitement of getting
hearts and treats?

And, most specifically,

those chalky little hearts
that had cute comments

that you got from somebody
special? Remember?

[Both] No.

Oh, uh...

Uh, it...

It wasn't really
that big of a deal.

Uh, somebody
help me out here.

Oh, well, sirs...

Kids used to give
candy hearts with cute sayings

to kids they liked.

Uh, well, it's true.
Just buck up and face it.

Anyway, uh, we thought
they sounded pretty neat.

So we decided to
bring them back for adults.

Only, this time,
we're calling them

- "bittersweet hearts."
- Yeah, see?

Because they deal with
things in life

that are awkward to say.

And because they
deal with tougher,

more upsetting issues
than puppy love,

we've made them into tasty,
easy-to-chew antacids.

Which, by the way, are
an excellent source of calcium.

Yeah, next time you
don't wanna say it, don't.

Let bittersweet hearts
do it.

Uh, like this one
says, "get out."

"Owee-owee-owee."

- "Love me."
- Uh, "still mad."

- "My needs."
- Oh, here we go, "bite me."

- "Drop 'em."
- "I'm tested."

"That hair."

Uh, "can't leave
the county."

Perfect for interventions,
counseling sessions,

or awkward
dating situations.

Look at this, "weird face."

Uh, "you'll do."

"Like a brother."

Pretty neat, huh, sirs?

- Does it say that on there?
- Uh, no.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

How sweet.

Anyway, I think people
should talk to one another.

Well, get ready for action

with this week's film, Joel.

It's a post-apocalyptic
thriller, and it stars

persis khambatta. [Growls]

And that guy...

What is his name, frank?

Oh, I don't know.
The guy from paper chase.

Oh, right, right.

Anyway, Joel, please enjoy

warrior of the lost world.

I bid you pain.

Which way to
the button, frank?

[Frank strains]

[All] It's blue?

Oh, we got movie sign!

Oh, look,
that can't be right.

- Is this a junior jumble?
- Hmm.

Music by Hawkwind.

Or Genesis.

Or tangerine dream.

Or king crimson.

Or Uriah heep or synergy

or Rick wakeman
or Allan Parsons project.

He's the gintiest.

Good one.

She was in Star Trek
the motion picture.

- But she had no hair.
- None?

Not a follicle.

Oh, he's nice, he's a very
reasonable fellow.

Pleasence.

Fred Williamson.

Who are they? Who cares.

So...

Oh, one of these.

What's that say,
"the unclear war

has been forgot"?

Uh... I'm feeling woozy.

Wait a minute,
"all the gummy mints

have colitis"?

Kind of loses its impact
when you have

three exclamation points
after everything.

That's all I can see.

I'm really not
feeling very good.

- Ugh.
- You okay, honey?

It's kind of like
an eye-chart in reverse.

I think they should
just give it up.

Supersonic speedcycle, huh?

I'm gonna give it up.

Oh, I don't know.

* warrior
of the lost world *

* waka-chicka waka-chicka

* it's another
Tequila sunrise *

* warrior
of the lost world *

* is much better than

* the finder
of the lost loves *

Tom Cruise--
days of thunder.

Oh, no, it's a bottle

of royal crown cola,
is what that is.

It's a hoover upright.

I think it's a vibrating
football dude.

You know, it's not so much
the apocalypse,

- it's the humidity.
- Oh, yah, I know.

Had Claude monet
directed this picture.

Mm, this character's
not very well-defined.

Jeez, I could just stand
in front of my oven.

Who are you?

The high plains loser.

You know, it's really
kind of intriguing

how he just
comes towards you.

- Mm-hmm.
- Compelling.
- Intriguing.

Oh, he's a shriner.
See, he's got a shotgun

that shoots candy!

Watch out for the tack!

Check this out.

[Bots laugh]

Oh, he must be going
40 or 45.

Scale miles an hour?

Uh, Mrs. Webb,
the accelerator's stuck.

Mrs. Webb,
my legs are on fire.

Hit the chute!

Hi, I'm Dwayne-- I mean,
the warrior of the lost world.

Hello, there.

Hey, where are you goin'?

Nowhere in particular.

Man, I wish I was you.

Yeah, well, hang in there.

Remove the cowling,
it's a rupp roadster.

Well, he's a well-organized

warrior of the lost world,
he is.

- Morning, Einstein.
- Huh?

- What?
- Beep. Beep.

Motorcycle is close-captioned
for the hearing-impaired.

Humor-impaired.

Oh, is it too early
to kill myself?

You know, early David worth
is very interesting

in light of his later films.

Mm-hmm-- huh?

The bird police.

Oh, it really looks
futuristic, doesn't it?

'Cause it's got
bumpers like--

there are none
like that right now.

Huh?

You see, there are
no bumpers like this.

Oh, they misspelled
"perimeter."

Hardcastle and mccormick.

Police squad!

N.y.p.d.

Times two.

Two control units
are dispatched.

Overtake and terminate.

Repeat, overtake
and terminate.

What, is John merrick
the dispatcher?

[Crow as John hurt]
Uh, pick up at the airport.

Come on, grandma,
they're all passing US!

[Bots mimic engines]

- Ring-ring-ring-ring...
- Gwaaa! Gwaaa!

It's on this straightaway

that fittipaldi
should be able to gain

some ground on the leaders.

[Computer]
Bad mothers! Bad mothers!

And the bad fathers
that love them.

Today on donahue.

Now, how does a computer know
they have bad mothers?

Subsonic.

[Servo mimics drawl]

- Screw 'em.
- Hold on to your ass!

"Hold on to your" blank,
Charles Nelson Reilly.

[Crow as Charles Nelson Reilly]
I said "bippy."

Ding ding ding.

What? Why do you keep
looking at me like that?

Ultimate, man.

Oh, come on,
you'd think in the future,

they'd have
better graphics than pong.

This image property
of the Disney corporation.

All rights reserved.

[Servo mimics engine]

Terminate me.

What? Didn't I use
my directional, huh?

Boy! Boy, it's easy without
Miranda, eh, sarge?

Watch out for the squibs.

Another good use
for baking soda.

Ooh, there goes
his golf swing.

Do it to it.

[Computer]
Bite this! Bite this!

Mr. Busey, look out!

Sorry.

Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!

Yeah, another Buddhist
protesting the helmet laws.

And now, Edie Sedgwick
goes on the road.

Uh, coming through. Yeah.

Now I'm the jerk.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Boy, don't I feel stupid.

That's completely
my fault, sorry.

Well, what can I say?
Live and learn.

Yep. Sorry.

Boy, I feel like
a perfect ass.

Yep, well.

I had the right of way.

I did.

Hey, look, it's
the paper chase guy.

- Hey.
- There he is.

Looks like he's had
some novocaine.

Rough way to start a day.

[Servo mimics drawl]
Tough way to start a movie.

Well, off to Denny's.

- Okay, buh-bye.
- See ya.

- See ya.
- Bye.

Gee, Ohio looks great
after the apocalypse.

So, uh, what's next?

Better check my day-timer.

Bad mothers! Bad mothers!
Bad mothers!

You mean,
like Joan Crawford?

[Servo as Barry white]
Oh baby. When you love me,

- and I love your love.
- Barry white.

We are very bad mothers!

Oh, no. Cops.

Any fruit to declare, sir?

[Rider sighs]

- Nice neighborhood.
- But I wouldn't want
to act here.

Any fruit to declare?

[All] Any fruit to declare?!

Let's go airborne.

Grab your ass!
Grab your ass!

Uh, "grab your" blank,
Brett somers?

I said, "grab your hinder."

Uh, semi-airborne, I'd say.

Do you have any fruit?

Guess not, huh?

You are looking live
at sold-out

golden state coliseum-- oh.

Well, California does
have its budget problems.

[Servo sings
sanford and son]

Grady, the paper chase
guy is here!

Sure I didn't take
a wrong turn or something?

Probably be able to find
a distributor cap anyway.

Traffic is stacked up today
on the golden state freeway.

You may wanna try
an alternate route.

I got a beat with a buzz
at three phase.

Bolshevik it.

- Red center.
- Retsyn?

--Kids and grinders, move.

They're all wearing
Dr. Pepper lip gloss.

They're renegade
burger king window guys.

It's Joan cusack!

- Dorks! Dorks!--
- Hey, you don't even
know them.

Whuh-- huh?

Veg-outs,
and they're all here

to play the family feud!

- Geeks! Geeks!
- [Joel hums TV theme]

- Kids today.
- Yarbles and yarlblockers!

Blocka-blockle?

We hated you
in the paper chase!

Thank you,
thanks for the brick.

Thanks very much.

Stiv bators? Richard hell?

Oh, it's the little things
that make you happy.

He's gonna need a tweezer.

Oh boy.

Boy, these bluegrass
festivals, I tell ya.

Let's get out of here.

Hey, the amish
finally go combustion.

Come on back.

- Your lucky day.
- Ah, shut up.

A field zamboni?

Giddy up! Giddy up!

[All applaud, cheer]

- Cool.
- Ahh.

Yes.

Hangar 18.

Oh, kind of a, uh,

caligula meets coma.

* coma-coma-coma-coma

* coma-caligula

you know, that's gonna hurt
when they rip that tape off.

The last temptation...

Of Rick.

Fred Williamson?

With pants tug.

Real weird package, Dave.

Whatever.

Don't think
he's gonna make it.

In our world,

the spirit is stronger
than the flesh.

Again, whatever.

Tova borgnine, no!

Grandma, get dressed.

When the white eagle
of the north

is flying overhead...

You know, this is closer
than I ever wanted to get

to the paper chase guy.

Mm-hmm.

He's lost control
of his mustache!

Oh, she's burning ants
off his shoulder.

Dear eveready,

I was in heaven when,
all of a sudden...

Oh, he's looking
awfully smug.

Here, Doris, let me take care
of this one for you.

There we go.

If that's god, I'm quitting.

Yeah, I thought
the afterlife would be

a lot more crowded.
More like Ellis island.

Well, there was a big rush
right after the apocalypse.

Then things calmed down.

What you doin'?
Get yo honky ass

back down on the flo'!

Little, uh,
light in the loafers.

[Servo chuckles]
Cute.

It's bicycle repairman!

I don't really
care about your problems

with the omega.

It's none of my business.

Not even a thank-you
for the surgery?

Please, listen to reason,
my son.

You have been
sent to US for a purpose.

- That is why you are
able to penetrate--
- hey!

- The secret wall
of illusion.
- Oh.

Only the pure in spirit

can pass through.

Pure in spirit, huh?

[Servo mimics drawl]
Wish I could think
of something for that.

Bike's in bad shape.

Why didn't you
see that wall?

He's got Lori Anderson
in there!

I don't think
you fully understand--

you owe me $7.50.

You've been chosen,

like Arthur being able to pull
Excalibur out of the rock.

Or like in powerball.

Nastasia's father,

- Mr. Mcwayne,
- that's Wayne?

Has been sentenced to death
by the congress.

They plan to
execute him publicly.

He must be rescued.

Uh, well, I suppose
I could get to it Tuesday, or--

I may.

You know and I know,

those people are bad news.

Indeed they are.

And this tyranny must end.

Uh, dad, the neighbors
can see you.

Monsters like prossor
must be stopped.

And if nastasia's father
is lost,

I'm afraid the new way

will be permanently damaged.

You're not listening to me.

Well, you're really
not that interesting.

The only damage
I care about is this bike.

And the new movie
by Louis malle.

Now, get this straight.

I ain't interested
in your local politics.

Show me the way
to the shangri-la here,

and I'll be on my way.

Listen, my son--

okay, I hate him as much
as I possibly can now.

"Listen, my son"?

I ain't your sun.

[Servo growls]... Wayne.

Ooh, packing a piece.

What's a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this, huh?

- [Servo hisses]
- No, now I hate him
even more.

--Doesn't like you.

Burnt out from
all the conflicts.

Only interested
in surviving.

All guts and no brains.

Hey, that's me!

Now, I'm not saying
that I believe

in all this mumbo-jumbo.

But the elders say

you are the one.

Here's your chance.

- You want survival?
- Sure, we all do!

You got it.

Either you help me
rescue my father, or...

I liked you better bald.

I have to run
the high hurdles?

You didn't get work after
the Star Trek movie, did you?

Okay, you got a deal.

I'm on fire.

For now.

[Computer]
Tubular.

[All] Shut up!

Ator? Tong?

- Och ven Harris?
- Where the hell are we?

It's the only way
to the city

without passing through
the wasteland.

Why are we wearing
these clothes?

- Whiny man!
- I told you about
the colonists.

The workers in the city
wear this.

We can pass unnoticed.

- Why're we going alone?
- When are we gonna eat?

Because we have to find out
where they're holding my father.

The congress or
the omega headquarters.

Now, be careful.

These caverns
are treacherous.

Why is it cold in here?

Your torch
is bigger than mine.

I hate bats.

Huh?

Listen to that-- is he wearing
leather undergarments?

I hate that.

Ew.

Will someone put
the styrofoam down, please?

Heh. Eight legs a week.

I love that one.

Hey, don't--
don't wanna step on 'em.

Might kill 'em.

Oh, great,
now we gotta buy that one.

- Look out.
- Just kidding.

- Got you.
- Peter, no!

You're not afraid
of spiders, are you?

No.

Allan havey.

Boy, squeaky
little guys, eh?

Cute.

Wow, there must've been
five or six spiders back there.

Hey, hey,
you're burning my face.

[Snake hisses]

What, is the prop man
Jim Stafford?

I hope you're not
afraid of snakes, too.

* I don't like
spiders and snakes *

I love that one.

No.

I hope you're not
afraid of boredom.

How about you?

I got thrown in
with the spiders.

Didn't mean to scare ya.

[Bots laugh]

They're called, what?
"Slot cars"?

Yeah, or "slots" for short.

I saw the neat chase scenes
in today's experiment,

and I got nostalgic for
my old slot car race kit.

So, I, uh, retrofitted
you guys with wheel,

and bingo! Hot slot bots.

You're gonna be going over
300 scale miles per hour.

Wow, imagine!

Well, we'll do it, Joel,
but are you sure

we're built to take the stress
of 300 scale miles per hour?

Oh, come on, crow.
Have some pride, man.

We're slots.
We crave danger.

We drink deeply
of the deep--

- come on!
- Woo-hoo!

Joel, I seem to be
having a little problem--

watch out for
that jump, crow!

Jump? Whoa!

- --Going backwards.
- Yes, he made it.

Oh-- come on, Tom.

Now, what is your problem?

I don't know, man.
If I knew that--

oh, okay, try it again.

Woo-hoo!

Here comes that
jump again, crow!

- No hands! Woo-hoo!
- All right!

Oh, come on, Tom.
You're losing, and you look bad.

- Wow, Tommy!
- This is ridiculous!

I feel like a milk choc--

here comes that jump, Tommy!

Ooh! Ow! Ooh ooh!

Oh brother.

- Here, here.
- I skinned my hat.

- Oh, that really hurt.
- Oh, come on.

- Oh brother.
- [Servo sobs]

Joel, this is ridiculous.

I couldn't beat
Margaret dumont.

On your left, Tommy!

I don't know
what your problem is.

- Crow's doing fine.
- I know.

Oh. Listen, you've got some

major design problems here.
I'm sorry.

But I wanna go
300 scale miles an hour!

Yeah, come on,
Barney oldfield.

Into the pits with you,
let's go.

Whoo.

I was able to
negotiate the chicane

with no sacrifice in speed.

We'll be right back.

[Sings]

* ...Rocker arm assembly

* and we don't like dirt

[low horn blares]

That was me, sorry.

I've got a cool fort
up here.

- [Low horn blares]
- Me again. Sorry.

Hey, wait a minute.
What's this?

The club utopia.

Man, these are
the nosebleed seats.

Looks like a Duran Duran
video down there.

Looks like a hell
of a party down there.

- It's no party.
- It's no disco.

It's part of the pacification
of the colors.

Are we planning
on joining them?

Why, are they falling apart?

Now, remember.

No matter where we are,

no matter what happens,

- show no emotion.
- Oh, he can do that.

Or they'll know
we are outsiders.

Get it?

- Yeah, I get it.
- Took me a second.

I know the bouncer here.

He'll, like,
totally let US in.

Hey, uh, you spend
a lot of time here?

Look, you already met her.
You don't need a line.

Wednesday is Nazi night.

Germans drink free.

Wha-- huh?

- Cool.
- Achtung, baby!

Mein kampf!

--To enjoy...

The video-visceral process.

I'm the guy with
a snake on my face.

--And enjoy
the entertainment.

What do you
wanna do tonight, Marty?

I don't know--
what do you wanna do?

Ah, action. I said action!

[Servo as Barry white]
Oh baby, I love
to whip you, baby.

--Hope you enjoy

the video-visceral process.

Relax and enjoy

the entertainment provided.

If you do not enjoy it,

you may return
the unused portion.

- Every cough syrup.
- [Servo whispers] Cough syrup.

- Mouthwash.
- Mouthwash.

- Decongestant.
- Decongestant.

- That you drink.
- Drink.

- Is red or green.
- Red, green, yeah.

- Remember my breath?
- Mm-hmm.

- Remember how it used to be?
- Oh, it stunk.

- I mean, pew.
- P-u.

- And the dry,
- dry.

- Hacking--
- hacking.

- Cough.
- Cough.

- Little globules.
- They were green, weren't they?

- Green and brown.
- And they stuck to ya.

- Well, no more.
- Nuh-uh.

- Not with my--
- mm.

- Scope.
- Scope.

- And my...
- Yes?

- Robitussin.
- Oh, yes.

She's uncoiling.

The human body is neat.

Mm-hmm.

This is like
a really weird production

of the bacchae.

If you can't
put in 30 minutes a day,

you don't deserve
a hot date.

U.s. Swim in sickness.

Oh, they're good
tonight, huh?

Oh, an all-ages show?
This is where I draw the line.

Well, uh,
it's amateur night.

I'm gonna go do some time.

* waka-chicka
waka-chicka... *

um, earth to
paper chase guy.

Can you work for me tomorrow?
I got this thing.

You know,
they all look so good

I wouldn't even know
where to begin.

- Whoa.
- Bad.

Well, hey, we're gonna
slow it down a bit now.

Perhaps you could loosen
a couple of straps.

Yeah, maybe enjoy
a few light lashes

and carry each other around.
There, that's good.

Thought more people were
gonna show up tonight.

Don't know what happened.

Uh, but I'm not done yet.

I-- oh.

Boy, they're really good
tonight, huh?

Hey, the gimlets--
great, by the way.

Enjoy those drinks.

- 'Kay, bye-bye.
- Ooh, leather.

Seems kind of like a leather

busby Berkeley down there.

Mm-hmm.

* well, you swing
your partner with a chain *

* 'cause love is best
when there's sweet pain *

- oh...
- Dosey-Doe.

I liked it.

- ...to everyone's freedom.
- Well, I suppose you could--

- work must be
neat and efficient.
- Well, of course, but--

- food and entertainment
are provided.
- Why, thank you--

silence is its own reward.

Oh, the future's
so reasonable.

...obligations.

We are very well
today, thank you.

You're welcome.

Work is everyone's freedom.

Second, first,
same as the first.

Neat and efficient.

Food and entertainment
are provided.

- Uh-huh.
- Silence is its own reward.

What? Oh.

Obey the laws
and obligations.

We are very well
today, thank you.

You're welcome.

We'd like to welcome
the guy from paper chase

here, today.

Wow, looks like
the land o'lakes dairy

survived the apocalypse.

Oh, you're here.

So, uh...

What do they make here?

I don't know, but they sure
seem to make a lot of it.

[Bots] Hmm.

Over here is where
we have the condenser.

And these are
the curding tanks.

We discovered a weak link
that enables US

to tap into their
computer system.

Listen, lady, I don't
need any computer

to tell me i'm
in way over my head.

You understand? Look at me!

Oh, he's so
clearly motivated.

Did you see
the firepower out there?

Do you know what
we're up against here?

I need a mcwayne with fries!

I don't like the odds here,

so I'm getting out,
all right?

The hell?

The deal's off.

There's nothing more
I can do for you.

She looks like dondi.

You've got to help me now.

I don't have to do anything.

You gave me your word.

And your class ring,
and you pinned me.

D'uh... I did?

I can't stay mad at you.

You know, when you're making
a low-budget Sci-Fi movie,

you can film it
almost anywhere.

Yeah, land o'lakes plant.

Deserted carpet warehouse.

Yeah, some field in Ohio.

- An old quarry.
- Yeah.

Hey, uh, weren't we supposed
to do a scene in there?

[Crow moans]

Now they're in a parking ramp.
Case in point.

Yeah, or they're
in a 1960's methodist church

that's under construction.

Huh?

Oh, now they're
in cabrini-green.

Mayor byrne?
You in here?

Secretary camp?

More ineffective
authoritarians on the way.

Vlev-ee-vla?

- Vdlwaw! Vdlwaw!
- Oh.

* there were
dental hygienists *

* two by two

the no-frills
state capitol tour.

Uh, think I'll just
sneak in here. There.

* video killed
the radio star *

it's the forbin project!

Had George Bush
been re-elected.

Oh, see, now they're using
a motel 6 for this shot.

- See?
- Hmm.

Boy, IBM since they cut
the staff. Whoo.

Hey, Charlie, I can see
your house from up here.

- You say that
every day, Bob.
- I know.

* chim-chiminey
chim-chiminey *

* chim-chim cheree

god, I wish I had a job
like those guys.

Bet that pays well.

Oh, I just can't decide
who to shoot.

Oh, this looks like
the Chicago circle campus.

Yep.

This is starting
to look more and more

like an obsession ad.

Are those super-soakers?

Oh, like,
I'm so glad I came.

[Servo mumbles]

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

to get through
this thing called life.

Is that your dad?

Uh, take your seat, ma'am.

Hon, be careful
of the gun behind you.

Ooh.

Whoa, another quick
mood swing from our hero.

Jeez.

Hey, we're doing
a show here.

Do you mind?

Jimmy Carter--
missing in action.

[Servo chuckles]

Hey, if you didn't
like the show,

there's a comment box
in front of the...

Ugh-- oh, oh,
I don't wanna hurt myself.

Fall gently, there.

Mod squad:
The next generation.

* waka-chicka
waka-chicka... *

hey, come on, lie down.

You were killed
six times already.

Whoa, that was dumb!
Can't believe we did that.

Get down! Recover!

Come on, angels,
bosley's waiting!

Get down! Come on.

This is turning out
to be more

than I bargained for, lady.

Oh, what have you liked
on this trip?

Jimmy Carter? Yeah,

- but also Ronny Cox.
- Are you all right?

No matter what happens,

I'm glad i'm
with you, father.

Or rutger hauer
or Timothy leary.

We're wasting time.

Ding! Ding!

Oh, he's going for
the plush banana, yes!

Here are two unsuccessful
insurance salesmen.

Jerry mahoney!
Knucklehead Smith!

Oh, the ventriloquy!

Come on.

Jimmy Carter is
the enforcer.

[Servo as Carter]
Feel some malaise, sucker.

Hey, good continuity.

We've seen
this place before.

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

Your university
of southern California

- trojans!
- [Servo mimics drumline]

Come on! Move it!

Uh, not you, though.

Or you.

[People scream]

Hey, somebody left a chopper
with the keys in it!

Come on!

Now, of course,
he's certified for helicopters.

- Airwolf!
- [Servo hums TV theme]

Is that the music
to airwolf?

Let's go, professor!

[Soldiers scream]

[Crow as Carter]
Nice shootin', Amy.

- Let's go!
- Oh-- all right.

- Come on!
- Get in.

We have reservations
for 8:30!

Come on! Hurry up, come on!

They're coming, nastasia!

Aah!

Okay, we'll just
meet you there, then.

Uh, could you
touch down just, back--

just for a second, please?
Pick up Amy?

They didn't Eve
have a Doe permit.

Sad.

Thanks a lot, jerks.

Oh, heh heh,
* give peace a chance

she's been hit!
We've got to back.

No way.

We're lucky we got
out of there alive.

I'm not going back in.

Wouldn't a hero go back in?

Well, some heroes.
He's just not that kind of hero.

[Bots] Oh.

She's my daughter.

Okay, then you go back in.

Sorry, professor.

My deal was to get you out.

Mr. Loophole.

- And that's it.
- Well, if I...

Go back for her, I'll have
to go back for everybody.

Now let's see
what this baby can do.

This baby can set
right back down

and pick up his daughter.

[All hum
"ride of the valkyries"]

* kill the wabbit...

Damn logo's
in the way, again.

He's the master
of the pan-flute.

That's for Nana mouskouri!

We got some company there,
professor.

Oh, how nice
that we have visitors,

but they're so rude.

You any good
with that thing?

Huh? What? Oh!

Oh, this old thing?

I like Santa.

Well, when in Rome.

Eat lead.

Ooh.

You should've done that
with stagflation.

Nice shot, professor.

Next stop, shangri-la.

- Brad.
- Earl.

We don't care one little bit

about you and your so-called

enlightened elders.

However, we will
check your references.

The real world is run
by men of power.

Now, sell me this pencil.

Oh, he's just
a receptionist.

When the system
is running efficiently--

those guards get,
like, $5.75 an hour.

We hate change!

Mr. Pleasence.

--Are disruptive.

And must not be tolerated.

Is that a stat machine?

Your father wants
to change our laws...

And our obligations.

And, I assure you,

it will not be tolerated.

- You only live once.
- I can assure you, prossor,

you...

And your crippled society

are doomed.

It's a differently-abled
society.

Tell me I'm a bad boy.

You'd look great bald.

I'm going to teach
the professor

a lesson...

He will never forget.

I'm going to destroy
something...

He loves even more than

his precious new way.

- His bell collection?
- I am going

to destroy you.

- Ew.
- Yuck.

And I just ate
a snickers, too.

You just spit on me--

I don't believe this.

[All] Boo.

Hate that.

Uh, the interview's
not going well.

Why don't we just
start over?

Take her away.

Bring me a moist towelette.

Prepare her

for the assembly line.

- [Nastasia screams]
- Oh, they're gonna make her

work light industrial
for temps, now.

Oh, man! Jeez.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we go back
to the satellite and...

- [Servo whispers]
- Huh? Ahh!

Then we could... [whispers]

**

hey, we are back, now.

Hey, about that
warrior of the lost world,

huh?

You know, it's funny.
He's riding around

in the apocalypse
on a talking motorcycle

he's doing battle with
imperial storm-troopers,

ninjas and Nazis
and the like.

But we wondered
what it would be like

if the end of civilization
as we know it occurred.

And this guy hadn't gotten
his driving permit yet.

Wouldn't that be nuts?

So let's take
a look at the gang

and see what they
put together here.

Join our hero as
he enters the lost world

in the back of his mother's
vista cruiser station wagon.

Come-- come on,
mom, let's go.

Speak up,
I can't understand you.

I said, let's go.

I gotta take my permit test

so I can fight
the imperial forces.

You will do nothing
of the kind, young man.

You're going to get
your permit thingy,

and then we have
to go get you

a nice pair of slacks
for school.

And then you're
going to wait for mom

while she picks out
a new bra.

Oh shoot,
there's Dickie schnabel!

I can't have him see me--
duck down, mom!

- Duck down!
- I will not,

I'll wrinkle my pantsuit.
Hello, Dickie.

Hello, Mrs. Warrior!

[Servo laughs]

Bye-bye.
What a nice young man.

Would you a nice pair of slacks
like Dickie has?

He's such a nice-- would you
sit up straight in that seat?

- Yes, man.
- You'll get rickets,
for heaven's sake.

Oh, now we're here.
Now hurry up.

- Okay.
- And stop mumbling!

Okay... [Joel mumbles]

[Servo laughs]

Well, our hero doesn't
pass the driving test,

as you can imagine.

So, let's see what happens

now that he has
to face mom with the news.

Man, that was totally bogus.

I missed getting my permit
by 20 lousy points.

- Shoot!
- Language, dear.

And stop slouching.

Mom, you gotta get me a ride

over to the lost world,
okay?

You're not going to
the lost world, young man.

I've got a lot
of errands to run.

Oh, fine, this sucks.
I'm hoofing it home.

Hello, Mrs. Warrior.

Hey, why aren't you in your
super-charged cycle?

Oh, shut up!

Just shut up, all of you!

Shut up!

- [Movie sign blares]
- Oh, we got movie sign!

Guess we should've written
an ending to that, huh?

Yeah.

--Very basic terms.

Well, what do you think
of our sales approach, Ted?

Now, we've gotta go out there
and get their attention.

I want you to dress
as Carol Channing.

Give me your guns.

What'd you say? I was
thinking about paper chase.

I sure hope you know
what you're doing.

Is he unzipping him?

Now, go on out there
and show them who's boss.

What, is Springsteen here?

You might be crazy.

The elders say
you've been chosen.

I keep hearing about that.

Mutilate them!

What, are you trying
to get my attention?

Kind of looks like
any which way but loose.

Or any which way you can.

Huh, imagine
if he'd hit him.

This is for the paper chase!

It's Paul bunyan-ette.

Or it's babe the blue cat.

Just when I thought
he couldn't get

any less appealing.

Don't you have to get to
the end of the rainbow set?

He hit little Jake.

I can't believe it.

Get her!

It's ike and Tina!

Yay!

He's beating up Julian bond.

That's wrong.

[Ninja grunts]

All right, now,
take him out!

Take him out!

Come on, this is getting
out of hand.

It's not funny, come on,
I can't breathe.

Come on, let go. Let go!

You've got him!

Oh, right in the store.

That'll do you.

Come on!

Take him! Take him!

Matt Dillon!

One more time.

D'oh.

I respect him
in a funny way.

[Women yell]

Yes, it's curry powder
wrestling.

[Women scream]

Their enthusiasm
is infectious.

I'm your private dancer!

Oh, take that.

Micky dolenz!

Mm, num, num.

There's about eight different
movies being shot here.

Ninjas, please report
to the master ninja set.

Grunge girls, you're needed
on the mad Max set.

What are you people from
the Philadelphia story
doing here?

Hyah!

And that concludes
the first quarter of play.

He's a weed-whipper.

Which weed?

Hey, you know, I wonder
who they called for this part

before the paper chase guy?

- David Hasselhoff.
- Edward herrman.

- Tony Randall.
- Morey Amsterdam.

- Richard Simmons.
- Garrett Morris.

- Dag hammarskjold.

- Jim j. Bullock.
- Norman fell.

- Willie aames.
- Peter Allen.

William Conrad.
And many more.

[Rider grunts]

Uh, Hamilton, what're you
doing there, Hamilton?

Wait, wait, I'm the warrior
of the lost world!

Hey, wanna throw in here,

Jimmy Carter...
Gary busey guy?

Whoa, right in the yin-Yang.

It's kung-foley.

Hope you like the

doors!

Funny.

Well, there you go.

Sonny and Cher, like
you've never seen them before.

Come on, yeah, come on.

- Anderson, that's me.
- Yeah!

Nom nom nom.

You know, sure,
she's the winner,

but she's still
going home alone.

Just like Marvin hamlisch.

Mm-hmm.

We got spirit, yes we do.

* we got spirit
how about you? *

I guess it's just
you and me now.

Cleopatra Jones.

* waka-chicka waka-chicka

- shall we dance?
- Sure, why not?

- [Joel] Yay!
- [All] Whoo!

- All right.
- Yes.

Sucker.

Yeah, you're right.

Ooh, no, I hate his
ever-loving guts now.

Who does he think he is,
Danny bonaduce?

How you doin', honey?

All right, I guess.

Take only pictures, people.

Leave only footprints.

So, anyway, I got
a spot in my new dress,

and that's why
I'm wearing this.

Oh, well, wait, I just wanna
tell you one more thing.

Ugh, got some divine on me.

[Crow as Carter]
Hi, I'm Jimmy Carter.

I'm running for president.

- You did fine out there.
- I knew you could do it.

Clinton's new cabinet.

Raise your fist.

Go on, do it.

Ask her out.

All right, thanks
for coming out today!

[Crowd cheers]

Wait a minute--
this is all it takes?

Now, why didn't I
do this first?

Hey.

They love it when
he signals a left turn!

[All] Union! Union!

Union!

Oh, now he's
the mayor of loserville.

Boing, boing, boing.

Now, everybody!

[All] Attica!
Attica! Attica!

Here at devry institute,

- we work with a number of--
- ooh!

- Huh?
- Ooh!

He hypnotized her into
thinking she's a pigeon.

No, it's like barbarella.
He's gonna play her now.

Oh.

Operation. The goofy game

for dopey doctors.

* ridin' the storm out

[servo mimics drums]

I'd love to turn you on,

but I don't know how.

It's freezing in here.

Oh, sick, he's turning her
into Charlie callas.

Do you have to school to learn
how to act like that?

[Nastasia screams]

I haven't even turned it on.

The real world--

- on mtv.
- --Isn't a very nice place.

Is it, my dear?

Don't ever gob on me again!

--Control your mind.

You will have
no personality of your own.

Oh, like anybody
would notice.

You will answer only to me.

D'ah, okay.

When I've finished
with you--

I'll move on to model ships.

--You will be attached
to a machine

which will draw its energy
from your body.

Uh, stairmaster?

You will be a slave

on the assembly line.

Oh, yes.

Go ahead, seven.

Huh? Ooh.

Oh man, he's just been shot
by the split ends.

Oh, and they're
cycle-jacking.

Well, what do you know?
There's our gang.

Oh, you know,
I always get caught

behind militant leftists
when I go up north.

Where're you headed, man?

Oh, nowhere in partic--

oh, look,
I'm not gonna do another

there came Bronson
reference.

* we got a mighty convoy

* ain't it
a beautiful sight? *

that's my favorite
c.W. McCall song.

[Servo mimics dog pant]

- [Crow mimics dog]
- Arf arf!

The few, the proud,
the extras.

Really, Wally,
this thing works better

at about a thousand feet.

They're all heading
to sturgis, you know.

Oh.

Looks like
a wine country safari.

You know, Larry, if we
wanted to be on the road,

we should've bought a truck.

I thought audios amigos
would put me over the top.

I got you.

There-- there, you see,
it just feeds the gas better

when you go up
a couple hundred feet or so.

Uniroyal tiger paws.

You still have
"perimeter" misspelled.

For the last time,
do you have any fruit?

Do you see what I see?

[All] * a star, a star

hey, it's the car
from the benetton ad.

Be a lot easier to go over 'em
than it is through 'em.

[Computer repeats]

What, act?

You got any bright ideas?

I ain't in the mood
for surprises.

Chitty-chitty kill kill.

Yeah, I guess a good stunt
deserves a second look.

How the hell
did you do that?

Oh, that's what I thought.

You're becoming
a real wise-ass.

- Bluto, no!
- Ah, popeye.

I told you we should've
brought the truck.

* smash bang crash-em-up

* it's smash-up derby,
my friends *

suddenly, hal needham
has invaded the film.

You know, there are
stiff penalties

for leaving the scene
of an accident.

Jimmy Carter
in rat patrol.

That's a screensaver there.

The only thing keeping this
from being cannonball run

is dom deluise.

How come you didn't see that,
wise guy?

[Sirens blare]

This isn't mad Max,
it's sad Max.

[Servo chuckles]

* hare krishna!

* hare krishna!

Boy, these L.A. freeways.

Don't get me started!

Call highway helpers.

Eh, police-state dweebs!

Anarchist jerks!

Femmes!

Wussies!

Ugh!

Aah!

Ow, my finger!

Badow! Badow! Badow!

[All] Pew pew pew!

Hey, he's riding shotgun,

literally!

Badadada! Badadada!

- Badda badda badda!
- At-at-at-at!

- Hey, what're we fighting for?

* don't ask me,
don't give a damn *

* next stop, Vietnam

okay, okay,
we get the general idea.

- Yep.
- That's enough.

They're omega couriers.

On your left!

Oh, popeye!

Oh, this is, uh,
real sweet and all,

but what the heck
is going on?

Pew-pew-pew.

Huh?

- Huh?
- He wants to pass.

Omega express, when
he absolutely, positively

has to be killed overnight.

- [Man laughs]
- Ah, popeye!

Whoop, there goes
the black box.

Why can't they make the car
out of the black box?

- Mm-hmm.
- Hah, I'm outta here.

Oh, there's the landau roof.

Meanwhile,
in the Florida everglades,

drug addicts
are chasing Ben.

This is a bad time for
a little ride in the country.

Hey, it speaks like our
bittersweet hearts, you guys.

Oh, look, it's Ken kesey

and his merry pranksters.

Ladies and gentlemen,
on the left side

of the tour bus,
you'll see where they filmed

the new Adam-12
and the new munsters.

Hey, you're going
the wrong way!

Boy, the most we ever did

was give somebody
the finger, jeez.

Somebody's in
the wrong mood here.

Badow! Badadow!

They shot a pop-tent!

What if they gave a war,
and nobody acted?

Let's just get
back up on the road, huh?

Hey, he programmed it
to be al Lewis.

Jimmy Carter is rommel.

- Aah!
- Ooh.

Jeez, a little heartburn,
and the guy's out of there, huh?

Man, they're so close
they could just poke each other.

Pew-pew! Pew-pew!

Badow badow!
Badadow! Badadow!

[Joel mimics gun]

Bob Marley!

Oh no.

So how's a telephoto lens
gonna help?

Oh.

Yeah! All right!

Sorry, Mr. Rockford.

Huh.

There goes another.

Oh, yeah, that's gonna
put the panfish down

for a couple of hours.

- Oh yah.
- You know it too.
- For sure.

Whose... woods are these?

I... think I know.

You're not getting lost,
are you?

The computer's
doing callbacks.

You're starting to get
on my nerves, you know that?

Yeah, way to throw it
back in his face.

Hey, we're shooting
ourselves now.

Your taillight's out.

Ugh, uh, there.

Uh, things that keep you
from getting through.

You're just full of good news,
today, aren't you?

[All] What?

Sounded like, "Judas food
chewed his orange juice."

Oh. Oh-- huh?

Oh, now this is like
the Omni theater.

- Lean into it.
- I'm getting kind of sick.

[Servo mimics ricochets]

Oh, you wanna play rough now,
eh popeye?

Uh, yeah.

Let's get the warheads
at full capacity.

What? "Skip dionne Warwick
and eat a pasty"?

- Yes.
- What the--

well, pass already!

Ooh. Well,

tried to wave him through,
but he shot me in the arm.

[Man laughs]

Oh, one of those, look.

You gotta watch out
for those.

They crop up.

Get the wieners.

That always happens
at the bus rodeo

with old-time bus driver
Billy slater.

[Servo hums theme]

[Servo hums muzak]

It doesn't feel
like a Tuesday.

The handmaid's tale.

[Servo hums]

Those aren't regulation.

This fall on nbc.

Black Nazi, white ninjas,

and the beige berets.

This fall.

Wait, they're doing all this

just to paint the apartment?

Rough neighborhood.

Ooh.

Thelma? J.J.?
We know you're in there!

I think, uh, Charles bukowski
decorated this place.

- What?
- With his vomit.

- [Crow gags]
- Sorry.

Can you see anything
out of your goggles?

- Uh-uh.
- Me neither.

Ooh, his hand
must really smell.

Now, remember everyone.
We're on level a.

[Servo mumbles]

It's large Marge.

Let's all stop
and look at the big truck!

So, what kind of mileage
you getting with that?

Huh?

He obviously
enjoys his work.

Whoa, excuse me.
Serrano chilis, you know.

Everybody's here.

It doesn't really
do anything.

Oh. Hi, Carl.

Larry hovis.

Oh, I think it's
salman rushdie's rv.

Hey, his hair
still looks good.

So what the hell
is that thing?

Megaweapon! Megaweapon!
Megaweapon!

Oh, well that-- huh?

What does it take
to knock that out?

40 megatons--
he carries it well.

- Say.
- What's the vulnerability?

Sorry-none! Sorry-none!
Sorry-none!

Well, what do they
expect me to do?

- What, is his jaw wired shut?
- You got me! You got me!

You got me!

What's our outside chance?

Computer terminal under!

Computer terminal under!

Computer terminal under!

That's a good place for it.

Tough, tough, tough.

You know, I'm beginning
to like this megaweapon.

I'd love to drive
megaweapon to school.

Because so much
is riding on your tires.

I'll see you there.

Leave your friends and the
creeps in this place.

Hold on hotshot!
Hold on hotshot!

Hold on hotshot!

- Ding.
- Sharp, huh?

- Huh?
- Wow!

[All cheer]

[All]
Megaweapon! Megaweapon!

Megaweapon!

Make it last. Yes, yes.

Make it slow, megaweapon.

Yes, yes.

Our long national
nightmare is over.

Ahh.

Yeah.

[Computer whines]

Yes. Yes.

[Servo mumbles]

[Computer whines]

[Servo mumbles]

Oh, yes.

Boy, he and the truck
almost got in the same shot

for a moment.

It's a motorized Camille.

Yeah, tough.

Oh, die. Die, my darling.

[Servo chuckles]

Got...me.

You got me, copper.

He tampered in god's domain.

I can't tell you how
richly satisfying this is.

[Joel chuckles]

Got...

- No.
- This now concludes
our programming day.

Oh, he's gonna put a potato

in his exhaust pipe.

Vandal of the lost world.

Remember, use only
genuine omega parts.

No, that's where
the porta-potty drains!

[Servo retches]

Oh, so that's where that is.

[Servo whistles]

Ooh.

[All] D'ah!

It's a d.D.T. Truck.

Ugh.

Hate those.

Now they're gonna cut
to the car blow-up.

- Yep.
- Bet you anything.

Sean penn!

* waka-chicka
waka-chicka... *

* who's the 13-gear
road ranger *

* who's a sex machine
to all the chicks? *

- * megaweapon
- damn right.

* they say megaweapon is

- * bad motha--
- * shut your mouth

* just talkin'
about megaweapon *

* we can dig it

that was fun.

Uh-oh.

Not megaweapon!

No! What did he do wrong?

Bring your garbage!

- Come on.
- Not megaweapon.

Move it, come on!

Oh, man.

Go on, pick up
my bike up there.

Come on, Charlie,
they busted my bike!

Come on, move it.

Megaweapon's cooler
than all you guys.

Yeah.

Megaweapon's
smoking over there.

Oh, I just wanted
to tell you--

oh, forget it.

Bet this kind of reminds you

of when we
left your daughter.

Oh, he's okay. Aah!

- Oh.
- Aww.

I realized, at that time,

I was born of two fathers.

Elias and megaweapon.

Yeah, big man
killed megaweapon.

I hope he's happy.

Megaweapon
died tragically today.

Investigators still
have no clues

about the mysterious
explosion

that took the life
of the beloved megaweapon.

His widow has asked
that donations be sent

to the department
of transportation.

You know what,
I already miss megaweapon.

[Bots] Me, too.

We fell back
to the reindeer lot.

The mall of america
was the scene

of a violent coup today.

[Servo sobs]

Wait, I thought they were
all on the same side.

- Or number four--
- you know, Joel,

I have to say, what with
the lush green countryside,

the well-maintained
roads and buildings,

and the ready availability

of transportation,
food, and fuel,

I'm kind of looking forward
to the apocalypse.

Yeah, provided
that paper chase guy
doesn't survive.

You guys, that's
a terrible thing to say.

No one's looking forward
to the apocalypse.

Though I agree with you
about the paper chase guy.

But look at it
this way, Joel.

Factor out the unfathomable
human loss,

- and a guy could
really get a lot done.
- Think of it.

Why, the lines at
nordstrom'swould actually be
quite light.

Yeah, a fella could play

endless games
of stickball on i-94.

Yeah, I'd probably
take some time off

and do some entertaining
or something.

Oh, sure you could.

It'd be really fun
to make a nutritious,

well-balanced meal
and then just let it go bad

while you cram your face
with t.J. Bearwich cookies.

No, I'd drive
a tank everywhere.

Just blowing the bejeebers
out of some of man's

greatest architecture
as I went along.

I got it.
I'd walk around,

totally naked,

holding a big-gulp
Terminator 2 glass.

I could see you doing that.

You know, I'd start cars

and put bricks
on the accelerators

and send 'em screamin'
down the highway

for days on end.

You know, I'd feel
completely UN-self-conscious

about renting video tapes
like, oh, Turner and hooch,

three men
and a little lady.

You know
what I'd like to do?

Head down to wimbledon
and hit around a little bit.

And then truck on over
to St. Andrew's.

Do a quick nine, you know.

I'd put football pads on

and just go
up and down the street

diving through
plate glass windows.

Oh, I know, I'd go into
the Taj Mahal on my minibike

and just spin donuts!

And bust out the windows
with a wrist-rocket

using diamonds for ammo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

You know what, guys,

there's one thing
you gotta remember

in the event of apocalypse.

You got to bring

an extra pair
of prescription glasses.

Right?

Well, what do you mean?
Why is that?

Well, so you don't end up
like burgess Meredith

in the twilight zone.

Oh, yeah.
Right, right, right.

'Cause that could happen,
and, you know,

you just wanna be prepared.

--Episode of twilight zone,
'cause of the apocalypse.

He had those shoes
'cause that's what he needed.

- Shoes were a different one.
- He had a third eye.

No, no, that's
a different one too.

Hey, that guy's
buying lunch at the automat.

Oh, that same apple
again there.

The women of the I.R.S.

I'm so sure.

[Servo sighs]

Boy, I sure have a lot
of paperwork to do today.

I'm so glad I came
into work early,

so that everybody here
could die!

Faster, Kelly-girl,
kill! Kill!

Uh, ladies, you're gonna
have to do that on your br--

all right, you killed

the supervisor
and everybody in the plant.

They're just gonna
have to write you up.

You know, they haven't
even worked there that long

to build up
that much stress.

The computer
wore platform shoes.

You know, if you're gonna
see the apocalypse,

you should spend the money
and take the helicopter tour.

- Oh, yah.
- You see it all.

Really good.

Nice day.

Uh-huh.

All right, let's move.
We're just a sitting target
here.

Let's move.

Yeah, no one
can see you there.

- Cover me.
- Benazir bhutto.

Hey, they killed the leader
of the L.A. mine company.

Hey, captain?

Planning on joining US?

Zing.

I'll take care
of the copter.

Hey, this kind of looks like
the place you left my daughter.

Hmm. Nice guy.

Real shapely.

It's morning in Japan.

Hey, we caught
all six guards.

Keep moving.

All right, show's over.
Nothing to see here.

Move along now. Disperse.

All right, everyone meet
by the one-potato-two

in an hour and a half.

I'm a model by day,
and a barbarian on the weekends,

if you know what I mean.

Still don't get
the black Nazi.

Daniel stern
and David Crosby!

Hey, ask them if they got
a key to the bathroom.

Hey-hey, it's the crazy
guggenheim.

[Servo laughs]

[Servo hums score]

That girl, forever.

Marlo! Marlo!

Oh, Donald!

Boy, I'd hate to live

in one of those apartments
behind that thing.

Yeah, that'd be
really a drag.

Huh, there it goes.

Oh, it's better now.

Hi, we had
an appointment with--

oh.

Big office.

Well.

- Professor.
- Have you graded
my paper yet?

Are the meek
inheriting the earth?

Bringing your omega
to its knees

was not exactly a job
for the meek, prossor.

No, i-- I should say not.

Uh, no, no, not at all.

Well, professor,

I hear your progress--

we don't have time for this.

Where's nastasia?

Kinski?

I don't know what
you mean, old man, I...

Nastasia.

You know, short woman?
Dark hair?

Yes.

I'll have
my secretary get her.

Well, you know, I can see
everything from here, you know.

Come on, you're running
out of time, prossor.

- Running out of time?
Well, how about this?
- Nastasia.

Whoa! Kee-ripes.

She's got a lady Hemingway!

So...

I'm running out of time.

I've got a dentist
appointment at three.

And you don't hate me--

because I'm beautiful.

But you'll learn
to hate me--

everyone does.

--My friend.

You will learn to hate me.

Oh yes...

She will do anything I ask.

* she can take home
the bacon *

* fry it up in a pan

anything.

So put down your weapons,

or you can watch her
blow out her own brains.

- [Servo mimics gunshot]
- No, not yet!

Oh, let the baby
have his way.

Happy now, baby? Huh, baby?

You thought
you were rid of me.

But I am rid of you.

It's a twisteroo!

The last thing you will see

is me--

zing.

Watching you die.

Well, at least
I won't be alone.

Nastasia?

So, will you be watching me
watching you?

Shoot them.

Simon says shoot them.

Wow, that's weird. Kooky.

My friends call me Tanya.

Yes... yes... yes,
yes, with the gun.

One false move,
and I'll shave her head.

I shaved mine, and i'm
just crazy enough to do it.

Oh, yes, yes...

Shoot them.

Yes, yes,
shoot with the gun.

Nastasia.

Shoot them now!

You shoot them! You...
[Servo babbles]

[All applaud]

You're grounded, honey.

Wonderful.

It's marvelous.

And now your father.

[Joel as Mr. B natural]
Shot your father, I did!

- Kill him.
- Yes...Yes.

Kill your father.

- I accuse my parents.
- Now.

Okay, Princess,
you can go to vassar.

Kill him.

Come on, baby, hugs, huh?

Hugs and kisses? Dad's here.

Kill your father now.

Father? Yes, daughter.
I wanna kill you.

Yes-- uh-- no.

Now, the man asked you
to shoot me.

Now, shoot me!
You disobeyed an order.

Come on.

Whoo!

Come on, give it up
for the new way! Yeah!

Oh yeah.

Oh, this is based on

under the bleachers
by Seymour butts.

No, no, you're thinking

of brown spots on the wall
by hoo flung poo.

- Oh, no.
- Rusty zipper by I.P. Daily.

Rusty bedsprings
by I.P. Nightly.

Night in the lion's den
by Claude balls!

Oh, come on.
Knock it off, you guys.

- Whoo whoo whoo!
- [Bots hoot]

Yo, give it up for my posse.

Oh, hey, look, robby Benson

Jack burns, Andrea Martin,

Dennis hopper, joanie...
Garry shandling,

Paul Reiser, Peter cook,
junior samples,

Elaine boosler, Adam sandler,
Barry sobel.

Oh, and there's
garth Brooks,

Bruce mahler, les Paul,
Patrick Swayze as Gandhi,

Cheryl Lee Ralph,
Robert carradine,

Bruno Kirby, Griffin dunne,

Mike Nichols, Ron Reagan.

Demi Moore, Gabriel byrne,

Gallagher, Robert loggia,
Janis joplin,

and Jonathan Schwartz.

Whoa, there's Lyle waggoner,

Tom dreesen,
Steve Rubell, Alan alda,

Michael Ironside, k.D. Lang,
Kate Clinton,

Lee Van cleef, Marlee matlin,

David birney, Linda hunt,
Leslie west,

Sandy Duncan,
Craig t. Nelson,

David letterman, Tony danza,
Anthony Quinn,

Edie brickell and Tony bill!

Cool. [Servo gasps]

Roland gift, jerzy kosinski,
and Rene auberjonois.

John hurt, cicely Tyson,
Michael pare.

Persis khambatta!

And-- oh.

I can't place him.

Paper chase guy, right?

Yes, I'd like
to dedicate this song

to the new way.

Hey, thanks for leaving me.

Well, you shot me.

** [music starts]

- Huh? What?
- What?

[All] * we are the world

this is weird.

[All] * carry the news

* all the young dudes

Oh, this better not be

another
jive-talking computer.

Oh, they forgot to add

the plot points in
earlier in the film.

Now, insert the bloody
Donald pleasence

into the atm slot.

Tonight, on crossfire.

On the left, some guy.
On the right, some other guy.

Yes, it's...Hot!
Is it...Hot.

The password is "motor."

Ding.

The password is "speech."

Ding.

The password
is "circulatory."

Ding.

The Jack Benny program!

Any ideas?

Oh, I knew there was
something fakey about him.

What is the condition
of the body?

Body functions inoperable.

Program circuits intact.

German accent really bad.

Sprockets.

Remove the microchips

- from the clone.
- Yes, sir.

Oh, they're working
in a Tom thumb.

Now what?

He's turned into
Malcolm Forbes.

Oh.

Well...

Do you think
the enlightened new way

has taken the bait?

Absolutely.

No doubt about it.

Boy, what a great
plot twist.

It's incredible,
the gullibility of--

hey, look,
it's a graduation photo,

and he's dreaming
of Fred Williamson.

I think we should leave
this place, my friend.

For the moment.

I'll warm up the car.

It's dangerous here.

Your transportation
is waiting.

**

who turned on
the Mike curb congregation?

What the hell is that noise?

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Now, to kill up with people.

Huh.

Look, I like you
and everything,

but, you know, you're just
an apocalypse thing.

Do you play pool?

Heh. Now, watch this,

I'm gonna kiss my bike.

This is out of purple rain.

Thank you.

Kiss the girl.

Make her cry.

Shut up.

[Crow chuckles]
My bike says

I'm supposed to kiss you.

You know it's, uh--

cliff clavin.

Time for me to leave.

[Cycle beeps]

Oh, so you, like,
wanna go see

the Bonnie Raitt concert
next week or something?

I'm not sad you're leaving.

I'm thrilled.

Actually, I wasn't
planning on going.

No, really,
I'm sure you must go.

- I could stay.
- No, no, absolutely,
I insist.

We'll meet again.

Don't know where,
don't know when.

You have no choice.

Our journey
is just beginning.

[All] No!

- * I've been here before
- what?

- Hey, she's married.
- Wait a minute.

Uh-- oh, you have food
in your beard.

[All groan]

It's hard to know
where his lips begin

and his cheeks end, huh?

Yeah, this is
the scene where

she really earned
her paycheck.

A whole $200.

* baby, who can tell

and spit.

Persis, just close your eyes
and think of Donald pleasence.

* seems like...

Mary lyndar from Mrs. McGinn's
eighth grade class

will now sing the touching
love theme from

warrior of the lost world.

Oh, just drape a piece
of liver over her face.

For heaven's sake,
it will have the same effect!

Aah!

She's gonna
cough up a furball.

[Servo coughs]

Uh, you got
a dry socket there.

Oh, somebody
get her a towel.

- Now he's gonna
tongue her armpits.
- No.

[Cycle beeps]

Turn around,
you're ruining it for me.

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Why? Why? Why?

Huh, so, uh, where'd he come
from in the first place?

[Crow sighs]

[Crow sighs]

Who were you?

Uh, I kind of wonder
if I kiss funny.

Did she like it?

I'll wait a few days
till I call her, yeah.

Yep, that's the ticket.

Further and further away.

Yep, buh-bye now.

Now he's gonna drive around
and look for another apocalypse.

* waka-chicka
waka-chicka... *

oh, I see, it's
kind of like bookends.

He's coming, and he's going.

* it's the eye
of the tiger *

somewhere there rides
a liver-faced, hung over,

unappealing guy
from paper chase.

Oh, I don't know.

David worth... less.

- [Bots laugh]
- Get it?

You know, this had
all the qualities

of a John Derek film.

You know, I'm thinking
the pressures of being

editor and
post-production supervisor

were just too much
for cesare d'amico.

Cesare.

Yeah, like this music
was arranged.

Right, 'cause it wasn't.

- Get it?
- Zingo.
- It was funny, too.

Chris worth?
Guess whose wife that is?

Chris worth-less.

Huh,

looks like this movie
was made in Italy.

Well, what do you expect
from a country

that had a porn star
in parliament?

Ooh.

Better things than this.

Oh, dolby stereo?
In your dreams, pally.

No breasts
were ritually removed

in the making
of this film.

The geeks are anyone who
paid money to see this thing.

Truckers.

A-breaker, breaker,
catch you

on the bounce-around,
good-ah buddy.

Yeah, I imagine the warrior
of the lost world's

probably pulling into
Tulsa about now.

[Bots] Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute, guys.

Are these credits
supposed to imply

that there was a crew?

[Servo laughs]

Oh, thanks, Tony Brandt
and Susan adler.

Thanks for assisting
David worth

in the making of this film.

Pippo, the Marx brother
nobody liked.

Liaison? To what?

Well, I see that
megaweapon had his name

- taken off the credits.
- Yeah.

Yep, I'm guessing
that megaweapon must've

needed the money really bad.

Despite this film, you know,
I still respect megaweapon.

Oh, absolutely.

Ah, I got news
for all you guys.

We kicked yer butt good

in world war ii!

Patty Jean ruggero?

Isn't she the one
the fonz went out with?

No, that was
pinky tuscadero.

- Oh, right.
- Maybe leather tuscadero.

Painter? What did he do?

Well, this film was like
watching paint dry.

Yeah.

Well.

John. This movie belongs
to the John, you know,

- 'cause it's so bad.
- Good one.

You know?

- Man, that was awful.
- Boy, I know.

You know what I hated most
about warrior of the lost world?

- What?
- Everything!

Everything
about this movie stunk.

You are wrong,
persis-khambatta-breath.

Don't you remember the one thing
in this movie we really liked?

- Mega weapon.
- [Bots] Oh yeah!

- He was the greatest.
- I love megaweapon.

Absolutely, he's boss.

Yeah, and megaweapon
was definitely

- the best character
in this movie.
- Mm-hmm.

He had to carry
the whole cast, you know?

And that liver-faced
paper chase guy

repaid him by... by...

Killing him! [Sobs]

Oh, no, listen, come on.

The paper chase guy
didn't really kill him.

Megaweapon has the power
of repairing himself.

It's part of the magic
that is megaweapon.

- Yeah.
- You know, I think
if I met megaweapon,

he'd really like me.

We'd hang out,
go to the mall,

have a really good time.

Yeah, megaweapon and I would
really hit it off.

No matter where
life took US,

we'd always keep in touch.

I think I'll name
my first child megaweapon.

[Servo sighs]

You guys felt this way
about megaweapon,

so I looked up
his phone number,

- and I gave him a call.
- Really?

- That's right, yeah.
- I don't believe it!

- I could just die! I'm dying.
- Oh, sure, yeah.

Megaweapon's staying with

his sister's family
down in tampa.

Turns out
he's a real nice guy.

And I got him
on the line right there.

We'll put him
on speakerphone.

Yeah, that's right--
hello?

- Hey!
- Hello, Tom, crow,
you there?

Hi, megaweapon! Gee,
it's great to talk to you!

Yeah, we're
really big fans of yours.

Well, thanks, guys.
Say, I'm sorry

you had to watch
warrior of the lost world.

Whoo, after that
stink-burger,

not only
couldn't I get arrested,

I couldn't even get towed.

[All laugh]

Hey, say, uh, megaweapon,

what was the name
of the fella

who played the warrior
of the lost world, anyway?

Oh... boy, I don't know.

You know, we used
to always just refer to him

as that, uh,
paper chase guy.

Oh, you are so kill.

Jeez, there's so many
questions I want to ask.

It's hard to think of one.
Um... oh, oh!

Have you ever
worked with killdozer?

Oh, don't ever
mention his name.

Tell you guys,
he is one temperamental

piece of machinery.

I remember, one day,
Clint Walker refused

to run lines with him.

And he drove
off the set in a huff.

Wow.

You know, megaweapon,
we've got this letter to read,

so it's time to say goodbye.

It's been real nice
talking to you.

Yeah, yeah, same to you.

Uh, listen, say,
if you ever get down to earth,

give me a ring,
don't hesitate.

I'll be staying here
for a while with my sister.

I gotta look after the kids.

I'm gonna hang with
this dude in Indianapolis

for about a month

you know, you can
look me up there.

Anyway, I don't wanna
waste your time.

Stay loose.
Bye-bye for now.

Yeah, see you, megaweapon,
thanks a lot.

Boy, what a class act, huh?

- He's a survivor.
- Yep, no kidding.

Well, this next letter
comes from hilary, Clare

and Matthew Lane
of Rochester, Minnesota.

Let's put that
up on still-store.

And, uh, they write,

"dear Joel and the bots,

"we are big fans,

"and our family
watches your show

"as often as we can.

"My dad, however, is not
quite as big a fan as we are.

"He claims to have
paid good money

"to have seen
many of the movies

"you rip on, so.

"My mom and I had the cake
in the enclosed picture

- specially made by hy-vee"--
- aww.

"For my brother's
11th birthday last November.

"We thought you might
like to see how it turned out.

"Keep up the good work,

let Tom sing more."

- Huh. I like that.
- Okay, "sincerely,

- hilary, Clare,
and Matthew"--
- happy birthday.

- Of Rochester, Minnesota."
- Cool.

So, uh, Tom,
you wanna sing the address?

Oh, I'll give it a try.

* m-s-t 3000 info club

* m-s-t 3000 info club

* p.O. Box 5325

* and that's in Hopkins

* in Minnesota

* 5534...

* three...

* aah-- what do you
think, sirs? *

oh, I feel great.

Thanks to square master,

I've never been
in better health.

Ready for tennis, frank?

Sure, then after that,
a light meal,

then dancing.

You see, we've discovered
an active lifestyle,

thanks to square master.

Race you
to the courts, frank!

[Frank laughs]

** [theme]