Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 23 - Bride of the Monster - full transcript

THEME SONG: In the
not-too-distant future--

Next Sunday A.D.-- There
was a guy named Joel,

not too different
from you or me.

He worked at Gizmonic
Institute, just another face

in a red jumpsuit.

He did a good job
cleaning up the place.

But his bosses didn't like him
so they shot him into space.

We'll send them cheesy movies.

The worst we can find.
(La-la-la.) He'll have to sit

and watch them all.

And we'll monitor his mind.
(La-la-la.) Now keep in mind

Joel can't control where
the movies begin or end.

(La-la-la.) Because he used
those special parts to make his

robot friends.

Robot Roll Call-- (All
right, let's go!) Cambot!

(Pan left.) Gypsy!
(Hi, girl!) Tom Servo!

(What a cool guy.) Crow!
(What a wisecracker.) If

you're wondering how he eats
and breathes and other science

facts, (La-la-la.) Then repeat
to yourself, "It's just a show,

I should really just relax for
Mystery Science Theater 3000!"

-Hi, everybody.

Welcome to the
satellite of love.

My name's Joel Robinson,
and my buddy, here,

Crow T. Robot's fast asleep,
and through the magic of Cambot,

we're going to be able
to see and monitor

what he's dreaming about.

Assisting me today
is Nurse Tom Servo.

-Joel, this nurse's
outfit makes me

very self-conscious
and embarrassed,

and yet I don't seem to mind.

-Weird.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Weird.

-Well, never mind that because
we're about to hook up Crow

and see what he's dreaming.

-Ooh.

-Woohoo!

Oh ho!

Oh boy!

Oh.

Hey.

Looks like we're due for
another almond bark rainstorm.

-Well.

Looks like a pretty healthy
normal dream for a bot

his age to be having.

-Well, looks pretty
normal to me.

-Ha ha ha!

Woohoo!

Hey, big boy.

I tell you, that Tom Servo's
really something else.

-Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

-Whoa!

Woo!

Oh, hi, Joel.

Boy, I had a weird dream.

I was on a ship,
and-- Oh, hi, Tom.

And it was really
strange because--

[SCREAMING]

[THEME MUSIC]

-Come on, Tom.

I wasn't really even
dreaming about you.

I was just seeing the part
of myself that is you.

Dressed as a candy striper.

Ha ha!

-I could never trust you, again.

-I'm sorry.

You do look cute, though.

-Really?

-Oh, come on, you two.

Sturm and Drang are
calling, here on the--

-You really think so?

-Yeah, I do.

-Frank, so help me, this time
I'm really-- Oh, hello, Joel.

It's been a rough week.

Frank's been bad again.

-Hey, it's who I am, all right?

-Oh, Frank.

Joel, you've seen me with Frank.

You've seen me trust
him, give him free rein.

It just doesn't work.

Frank just takes advantage.

-Oh, I'm really
sorry about that.

-Oh, I wish I
could believe that.

Fortunately, my
invention this week

is exactly what's called for.

Joel, this is the
tough love seat.

With its fine, sticky
Naugahyde and its sharp studs

on the seat back inside, one
day in the tough love seat

provides all the
nurturing punishment

of an entire year
at military school.

-Hey, I do what I do.

You don't have to
like it, all right?

Oh, what now?

Am I supposed to get
into your little seat?

Is that what this is all about?

-Oh, that would be fine,
Frank, but before you

do you notice how this
stain is still fresh.

-Oh, now that I've
seen that, I'm

totally going to
change the way I live.

-Leg up!

Clips in place.

Oh, and I almost forgot.

This little devil here
provides 110 volts

of current surging intricately
throughout the Naugahyde.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

-It's a simple lesson, Frank.

Actions have consequences.

-Tell me about it.

-And finally, Joel, since
there is room for two,

I can join Frank.

Perhaps we can start that long
and painful process of healing

together.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

-Remember, Frank, this hurts
me as much as it hurts you.

Why don't you go head, Joel.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

-Whoa.

Wonder what Frank did.

-Yeah, I don't know, I
think some punishment

can border on abuse.

Anyway, this week's
invention exchange

is based on popular trendspotter
Faith Popcorn, author

of the popular "Popcorn Report."

She's hotter than
ever these days.

-And there are more and
more trends every day,

and it's critical that we all
know about them and react.

-Right.

And that's why we've come up
with Microwave Faith Popcorn.

Now you can get her dead-on
and uncanny trendspotting

in a matter of seconds.

-Hey, what's the next
trend going to be?

Neo-fascism?

Bank failures?

Self-surgery?

It doesn't matter.

You see, with Microwave
Faith Popcorn,

you'll never be blindsided
by pop culture again.

And it's ready in just seconds.

[MICROWAVE BELL]

-Oh, wow.

-Smells great.

-Yeah, let's see.

Oh, here's a hot one.

Let's see.

It says, huh, "Underwear
will be replaced

with the advent of
spray-on skin liners."

What do you know?

-Hey, let me see one.

-OK

Oh, ha.

"Grandpa-tossing.

Fun, low-cost, join the league!"

-Hmm, let me try one of
them buttered trends, there.

-OK.

OK.

Here.

-"Bras for businessmen no
longer just for a select few."

-Wow.

-Makes sense.

What's this?

Here's one that
didn't quite pop.

What's that one say?

-"Feminist Catholicism."

-Hmm.

-Oh, didn't pop.

-No, it didn't.

What do you think, sirs?

-Remember, Frank, I'm
doing this for you.

-I know that now, Doctor.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

-Well, Joel.

Now that Frank and I have
achieved a new beginning,

I can tell you that your
experiment this week,

"Bride of the Monster," comes
direct from one of Hollywood's

most famous
cross-dressing directors.

-Penny Marshall?

-No!

Ed Wood, Jr. And it's preceded
by a bad, bad, bad short,

"Hired."

It's about work.

Hope you like it.

Send them the movie, Frank.

"Jerry Reed elected
to high office!"

[ALARM SOUNDS]

-Ahh!

Movie sign!

-Oh, Wow.

-Jerry Lee.

-Who'd have thought?

-Hey, isn't that the
John Belushi biography?

Well, that's something
you didn't hear much

during the Bush Administration.

-The sequel was
"Hired 2-- Laid Off."

-Yeah.

Jam

-Handy Organization.

-To the rescue.

-Keep your jam handy.

-Jimmy, you ought to make a
big success selling Chevrolets.

-Sure we all do.

-I think you've
got what it takes.

-Brill Cream.

-You joined us with
a fine reputation

as a salesman on other lines.

-Now get back on your
side of the desk.

-I've never sold
Chevrolets before,

but I believe I can do it.

-Yeah, right.

-I'm sure you can, Timmy.

And I want to know
that I picked you

as the most likely
to succeed out

of a number of young men
we've been considering to fill

this opening in our
sales organization.

-Steak.

-That's mighty
flattering, Mr. Warren.

I'm going to do everything I
can try to prove you right.

-It isn't much.

-I wanted to get started
just as soon as I can, too.

Do I start selling right away?

-Ha ha!

In that suit?

-First you've got to
know your product.

Here's some things
you want to do

before you even think
about contacting.

-Here, put on this jewelry.

-This is when I was in Pep Club,
and here's my senior picture.

-Why does he have to
read the "Joy Luck Club?"

-Ah.

My failure looks more
and more imminent.

-"Cop Killer."

-Oh, this sounds like fun.

-Now he has to read
his boss's prose!

-If you flip it real fast,
the car seems to move.

-Oh, now, there's a pretty
all-encompassing book.

He knows what's what, now.

-Honey, I got a job,
can I come in, please?

-Ah, can I use your bathroom?

-Aw, come on, Dad.

It's not insurance this time.

It's really neat.

It's cars!

-This is the front door.

You were just at the back door.

-Ah, guess I shouldn't be trying
to sell cars in Amish country.

-Not going away this time.

I could stand here all day.

-Good, my taxi.

-Oh, um, good morning
sir, or madam, I

love your nice chatea--
chapeau-- oh pfft.

-I-- just bludgeoned my husband.

I really don't have
time, thank you.

-Thank you.

-Good time to case the joint.

-Darn.

That's what I need--
a car to show.

-None of these prospects
seem much good.

-So, time for booze.

-Well, they're the best I've
got, so I'll stay with them.

-What a loser.

-Oh, no, you see,
it's called a car.

-I just want to read
you one of my poems.

It's "Dear Eliza."

It's--

-I know you don't have a
license, but look at this.

-Now this one's really amusing.

Garfield pulls at Odie's tongue.

I love this.

-Yeah, I thought I knew
something about trucks.

-But I was living
a horrible lie.

-That seem to fit his job.

I didn't know which
one to concentrate on.

-That's nice.

May I help you, sir?

-No.

But I'd hate to think that
sale I made to Old Man Simmons

day before yesterday is going
to have to last me all month.

-That's nice.

Maybe you'd just like
to browse the place.

-I just don't seem to get
the hang of this business.

-The wipers work.

-Oh.

No, no.

I don't want to buy a car.

-Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let me-- can I tell you
about the rear wheel drive?

-How many ways can I say no?

-Wow, this one's about a priest,
a minister, and a rabbi, see.

-No, you're telling it wrong.

-You see, Mr. Brooks, the
Chevrolet knee-action assembly

is different from
the Plymouth unit.

-I understand the Plymouth has
the most expensive construction

of any car.

-Oh, you got me.

-What's the difference
in the two knee actions?

-I don't know the
difference, but I

do know that
Chevrolets is better.

-That was the most humiliating
afternoon I ever had.

I can't believe I
wet on his couch.

-Maybe I should not have
dressed as the Angel of Death.

-Hey, nobody buy a
car, pass it down.

-(Whispering) Nobody buy a car.

-(Whispering) Nobody buys a car.

-(Whispering) No cars.

-(Singing) I have often walked
down this street before.

-Submitted for you
approval-- a salesman

who has no [INAUDIBLE].

-I could off myself.

-There's a call on Beacon Street

-Eh, they probably
failed there too.

-It's way over on the
other side of town.

-I don't have a car

-Hey!

-Well, might just as well
go after it right now.

-Oh, look, there like
signs on every door now.

We have a car.

We have a car.

-Hey, Edna Ferber
and Joseph Kennedy.

-And then I became
an Eagle Scout.

But enough about me, OK, um--

-Could you turn down the music?

I can't hear a
thing you're saying.

-But, Mr. Herrington,
$390 is just

the absolute best we
can do on your car.

-And that's exactly the
reason why I won't buy.

You're too far out of line.

-I knew you'd try to
make me pay money.

-But Jimmy, we've got five '39
4- or 2-doors on the lot now.

-Don't you think I know that?

I live with that
every day of my life.

-We don't need '39 2-doors.

-OK, I see your side of it.

-I suppose if I sat on my butt
all day, I'd things that way

too.

-Hmm.

I didn't know he
had a prison record.

Says here he's wanted in Idaho.

-What in the world?

Assault with a deadly weapon?

-AKA the pants-less salesman
with a piddling peddler?

-What?

He got a D in trigonometry?

My--

-Oh.

-Well, but he is a Pisces
with the moon in Aries.

-Eh, I'd fire him if
he weren't my son.

[SQUEAKING]

-Are you there, Lord?

-Hello, wall.

-Well, there is a blue
steak and a pitcher

of Martinis with my name on it.

-That's nearly impossible.

No human under my employ
has ever sold a car.

-Well, I guess no one
wins the Mathis album.

-If I could read, I'd
know what the problem is.

Eh.

-There's the problem.

I forgot to carry the two.

-Willard Scott?

-Dad, you're smoking
my kid's bubble pipe.

-(Holding breath)
Nice night for it.

(Exhales.)

-I think it's time for you
to move out on your own, son.

-Well, at least he's got a nice
wife to go home-- oh, awkward.

-"Moon for the Misbegotten."

-"Death of a Sales Manager."

-Hmm hmm hmm.

Sandy Frank.

Hey, you're looking
beefier, son.

-I thought you two boys
might like some refreshments,

so here's a pitcher
of nice cold--

-Stoli?

-Lemonade.

-No.

-Thanks, Mother.

-And tonight we'll have
some nice, hot cuddling.

-Ahh!

Gravity at work.

-Who's the doughy man
on our porch steps.

-Well, I'll go
deep fry something.

-I'll be upstairs
in my burlap teddy.

-Got something might important
on your mind these days.

Haven't you, son?

-Am I that transparent, Dad?

-No, not especially.

-So, lay off.

-Just the usual things.

-Crushing puppies.

-Business, you know.

Sales problems.

Salesmen.

-Now, don't try to
fool your old dad.

There's something extra
special worrying you,

or I missed my guess.

-You've killed again,
haven't you, son?

-You know, I was just--

ALL: Ahh!

-Take the average
young fellow, today.

He won't get out
and work the way

we used to when I
started to sell.

-Work it, work it, mm-hmm.

-What makes you think that?

-Well, take this young fellow,
Jimmy Hill, for example.

-OK!

-Last month, when I was looking
for another new car salesman,

he looked to me to
have twice as much

on the bowl as anybody
else I could find.

-He looked like a pretty
good boy to me, too.

-That's right.

Testify, son.

-Oh, yes he makes a
sale now and then.

But that isn't the
kind of a man I need.

Or want.

-Hasn't the man learned the
knack of selling, I suppose.

-Huh?

-Well, I guess not.

-Hey, keep it down over there.

-Don't you know what
he's doing wrong?

I can see enough from
his sales reports.

-Mmm, pretty much
on his own, then.

-Oh, you blame me, huh?

-But he's had a good,
thorough basic training.

I haven't got the time
to play nursemaid to any

of the salesmen.

-May be not, son.

But I wouldn't know about that.

-That's how you
handle a salesman.

-That isn't what Harry
Carpenter told me

when you started out to
work for him 11 years ago.

-J'accuse!

-But I got out and worked.

Hard.

And that's what I'm
concerned about right now.

Young fellows today won't work
the way we did 11 years ago.

-Hard.

-Maybe not, son.

And then again, maybe they're
working harder than you think.

-Oh, food for thought.

-I'll ruminate on that one.

[THEME MUSIC]

[THUNDER]

-Ha!

Bella Abzug is actually a
lot scarier than Bela Lugosi.

-Bigger, too.

-Tor Johnson?

Time for going to bed!

-Bram Stoker's "Bride
of the Monster."

-I wonder where
she's registered.

-Big Tony McCoy.

-Harvey B. Dunn?

That's the sequel
to "Johnny Be Good."

-Harvey B. Dunn.

-Hey, which of
Shatner's "Becwar"

novels did you like best?

-I like the second one.

-That's "TekWars."

-Ben Frommer, guide
to Transylvania?

-I wonder who did his
gowns for this one.

-Hey, did you
notice no Hatfields?

Huh?

Huh?

-I'm dead, Jim.

-Movie Beater Paints.

For bad American
movies, like yours.

-Ha.

Pat Dinga.

-He was a Dingaling brother.

-Oh, they're fictitious.

That's no fair.

-I don't know.

-Mr. Wood's wardrobe
by Mrs. Wood.

-Oh my god, Mr. Trevino!

-This is the worst storm yet!

-Hey, it's Bert and Ernie.

-Let's head back
to the clubhouse.

-I'm getting away from
this lightning catcher

while I still can!

-You'll be soaked to the bone
before you get ten yards.

-Well, I'd rather be
soaked than barbecued.

-I'd like to be lightly braised.

-Just kiss instead of
talking to him to death.

-So, what are we
doing out here again?

-Back here.

Ha.

How did that happen?

-[INAUDIBLE]

-It's impossible to make
it to the main road.

Maybe we can make it to
the old Willows place.

-Are you out of your mind?

-No, but thanks for asking.

-The newspaper stories say--

-Oh, act your age man.

-What the-- son of a gun,
we're back here again.

How'd we do that?

-Don't look good to me.

-Ah, you're just spooked.

-Spooked enough.

That place just
don't look healthy.

-It hasn't been
lived in in 15 years.

It's deserted.

-It is, eh?

-I still want to have
a picnic, dammit.

-Hey, it's Boo Radley's house.

-You said this
place was deserted.

-Well, it's supposed to be.

I don't get it.

-Hi, it's Curt Gowdy.

Can me and Phil Harris come in?

-No, I don't want a Chevrolet.

-What do you want?

-Oh, your old hip shipment's
in, Mr. Legosi, sir.

-I didn't think
anybody lived here.

-So, here's an idea.

-We thought maybe we
could get out of the rain.

Looks like it's going
to last all night.

-That's pretty bad out there.

-Oh, no.

You can't stay.

-Thanks for coming by, though.

-You can't stay.

-We might catch
pneumonia out there.

-You're not welcome in my house.

Go away.

Now.

-Besides, pneumonia
is a virus and can't

be caught just by cold weather.

-Oh, cut!

Tor, you're not in yet!

-A monster!

-Try again.

-Now you believe those
newspaper stories?

-You hear that, Lobo?

You're the monster.

Perhaps one day you
will meet the monster.

-Tor, close your
mouth, you'll drown!

-Nice guys.

-Now back to my novel.

Where was I?

-Oh, that's a lovely pantsuit.

-Ahh, time for be in movie?

-Wipe your feet, Tor.

Come on.

-I wish I didn't
have a roommate.

Well.

-And stay out of my Ford, Tor.

-Honey, I'm home.

-I'm just going to have
a Slim Fast and relax.

-(Singing) It's a sinister
day in the laboratory,

a sinister day in the lab.

-Hello.

-Hey, it's Dr. Clayton Forester.

-Hehe!

What a jerk.

-Ah, my first
appointment is here.

-Ah, I got to slap out
the tank pretty soon.

Filled with octo-poopy.

-Hey, he's got the 80s
corporate look for women.

-I love how I do that.

I do.

-He's so coy.

-And he does facials
and waxings, I hear.

-I'll take that one

-Hey, Dad.

Dad.

Watch me.

Look what I can do.

-Oh, I have an octopus.

Hmm?

-Aw, he's sick.

-He's writing a message, here.

Clean this tank.

-Hey, where the hell do
we live again, Steve?

-I don't know?

-We've got to keep going.

-That-- that was the monster.

-What I wouldn't give to see a
couple of cops right about now.

Come on.

-Ah.

Just a sec, I broke a heel.

-I poofed.

-Ahhh!

-You say something, Roy?

-I got water in my galoshes.

Ha-- Ow.

-Quit playing around.

-Folks.

Try to link these
two shots together.

[SCREAMING]

-I don't know what he's
screaming about, really.

-Help!

-I'm doing the best I
can, Roy, the screaming

doesn't really help me.

-Well, my shift's over.

I've got to go.

[SCREAMING]

-Did you ever hear
of friendly fire?

[SCREAMING]

-Embrace death, Roy.

-He's into it.

[SCREAMING]

-It's an eight point
octopus you've got there.

[SCREAMING]

-That's a keeper.

[SCREAMING]

ALL: Oh, shut up!

-You know, I thought
being killed by an octopus

was supposed to be peaceful.

-Nuh-uh.

-Now, for the other kneecap.

-Buddy, buddy.

-I will love him and feed
him and call him mine.

-Time to go.

-Time to go.

-(SINGING) He's hired.

He's hired.

He's hired.

I'm hired.

(He's hired.) I hope
I don't get fired.

(He's fired.) In 40
years I'll be retired.

But for now I'm simply hired.

(He's hired.

He's hired.

He's hired.

He's hired.) I got a
job today. (He's hired.)

I'm selling Chevrolets.

(He's hired.) I'm
bringing home good pay.

(He's hired.) I just got hired.

(He's hired.

He's hired.

He's hired.) He got a
job today. (Yeah, me!)

He's selling Chevrolets.
(We're going to get holidays.)

He's bringing home good
pay. (Maybe even dessert.)

He just got hired.

Hired.

-(Singing) I was wondering if
you'd like to see my-- (No!)

but I really think you should
see my-- (No!) It's got

a lovely-- (No!) And
if only you would--

(No!) Can't you see we're
trying to tell you no.

-(SINGING) Zeroes.

Zeroes.

None of my salesmen
has ever sold a car.

Sometimes I think I might
be pushing them too far.

I think I'll hit the bar, and
try to get my mind off zeroes.

(Zeroes.) Zeroes.

(Zeroes.) All of my
salesmen are zeroes.

-(Singing) Good evening, Sonny.

Hi, Dad.

You look depressed.

I am.

Come on and have some lemonade.

Thanks, Mom, but
that won't help.

Just get it off your chest.

OK.

I suck at my job.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Oh, my.

My salesmen are slobs.

No, they aren't.

Yes, they do.

Huh?

I'd like to make a
sale, but what can I do?

I'm going to be a failure
just like you, Dad.

Like me?

That's right, I'll be a
failure just like you.

-Extry, extry,
read all about it.

Pearl Harbor bombed.

Roosevelt declares war.

-Well, that's it.

-What's it?

-Uncle Sam is
going to need cars.

Why, selling Chevrolets is
going to help the war effort,

don't you see that?

Come on, everybody.

-(Singing) See the
USA in a Chevro--

-We got commercials time.

-For crying out loud.

-What's the point?

-Commercial time.

[THEME MUSIC]

-Who are you?

-Dr. Eric Vornoff.

-Walmart?

-The name will
mean little to you.

-What, like they're going
to show a film on his uvula?

-Uh, gimlet?

-Employees must wash hands
before returning to work.

-He's filled with parabolas.

-Oh, nice carotid.

-OK, now, did you give
your family history to Tor?

-Uh, just let me microwave
my burrito, here.

-Well, I see by
your records, you

haven't been here for six years.

Have you been flossing?

-Heh heh heh.

Couple of these,
couple of these.

-What are you doing to me?

-You're going to be
Myra Breckenridge.

-As big as a giant--

-But it's not covered
by his insurance.

-With the strength
of twenty men.

-Give or take a few.

-Or--

-Not.

-Like all the others.

Dead.

[SCREAMING]

-Oops.

-What?

So much for the giant theory.

Turn off the switch.

-And get your
lawyer on the phone.

-It doesn't seem
that much gianter.

-I can barely hear
his heart beating.

-I can't help this
man, he's dead.

-Uh, boss, anything I can do?

-Uh, Lobo, where am I
supposed to take a pulse?

-Well, so much for
the grant money, Bela.

-Tor, your internship
has taken a downturn.

-Uh, Tor's heart
go out to doctor.

-You win some,
you lose some, eh?

-Well, throw him
on the heap, Tor.

-Tonight, on Dr. Kevorkian, MD.

-I'm going to go get a Yoplait.

-Isn't it strange, Lobo.

-What's that, boss?

-Our friend always returns home
after his long, tiresome swim.

-I just hate it when
Bela waxes philosophical.

-Makes you think, don't it?

-Oh?

-Ahh, new tax bill
may be needed.

-Hey, look, building
code is under fire.

-It's "An American
in Cleveland."

-It's "Walk, Don't Run."

[SINGING]

-Well, Mr. Belushi,
I think you'll

like the Chateau Marmont.

-What's your name?

-Who's your daddy?

-You find out.

-We will.

Hey, watch that cigarette.

ALL: Norm!

-Woo!

-What were you
doing in the swamp?

-What's it to you?

-That's enough of that, buster.

-Hello, there.

-No tank town jail can hold me.

I'll be out of this here
rat trap in 24 hours.

-That's what you think.

Vagrancy will hold
you for 72 hours.

Take him downstairs
and book him.

-All right, let's go.

-It's Jackie Gleason as Zhigo

-You can't do that to me.

-Let's go.

-A [INAUDIBLE].

-That was Marty Allen.

-Hey, little weird guy.

-Hey.

-Where do you
think you're going?

-Whitey!

-Where do I think I'm going?

I've got Captain
Robbins' newspapers.

-You have, have you?

And since when you don't leave
the Captain's papers with me?

-Since the Captain told
me a bring them in myself.

When you read them
first, you mess them up.

-Hold your tongue and
give me those papers.

I'll have you locked up for
peddling without a license.

-Kelton, I've got a license.

-Wanna bet I could make
it expire all of a sudden?

-Johnny Carson, in a role
that will surprise you.

-I'm going to get into a suit
and get on the Superman show,

and show you a thing or two.

-Yeah, I get to
read Zaslow first.

There.

-Ooh.

Dang.

-Act natural.

Act natural.

Doo doo doo.

-Ah, Mr. Homicide.

-Here's the late
editions, Captain.

-Robert Ludlum?

-Look, why can't I
work on this case?

-Go back to your desk.

-Yes, sir.

-And Kelton.

-Yes, sir?

-Kiss the birdie.

-I told the boy to bring
the papers in himself.

-Yes, sir.

But if you ask me--

-I didn't.

-Yes, sir.

-And Kelton?

-Yes, sir.

Where's Lieutenant Craig?

-In his office, I think.

-Send him in.

-Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

-And get me my index finger.

-Wait a minute.

There's bird poopy on my paper.

-Oh, let me see here.

Ed Wood caught wearing a dress?

Again?

-I just don't get
that Gary Larson.

-Oh, I'm beat.

-Doo doo doot doo doo doo doo

-No one will be seated during
the gripping water cooler

scene.

-You know, installing
this Rumplemintz

cooler was great idea.

ALL: Finish it.

Finish it!

-Come on!

-Hi, Bavara.

-Hello, Dick.

Sit down.

-Now, say hello to the bird.

-Is there anyone who hasn't?

-You can say that again.

-There's one nice
thing about birds.

They never cause
anybody any trouble.

-Yeah, tell that
to Tippy Hedren.

-Your girlfriend
writes a good story.

-She thinks so.

Anything new?

-No.

-You?

-12 disappearances around this
place and nothing to go on.

-And nothing this time, either.

-I've been around that
swamp so many times

I'm getting web footed.

-Well, don't kill me over it.

-It's been fired recently.

-It's been fired
several times recently.

-Taking target
practice on the bird.

-Identified it a
little while ago.

The coat belonged to
Leif McCray, his partner.

-You want it?

-Went hunting out by Marsh Lake.

Never returned.

-Not much left of it.

-The boys found it
floating in the lake.

-What about the rifle?

-About a mile from
the old Willow place.

-All ties together.

-But it doesn't prove anything.

-You think there's anything
in these monster stories?

-Your girlfriend does.

-Leave her out of this.

-The police don't
believe in monsters.

Facts are our business.

Facts and only facts.

And don't you forget it.

-I'm telling you the
captain doesn't see nobody.

-He'll want to see these.

-Captain Robbins, will you tell
this junior G-man to let me go?

-Kelton.

-Yes, sir?

-Let her go.

It's Ed Wood's cameo
appearance here.

-It used to be a
newspaper reporter

could get information
around this place.

-For a small fee.

-What in the world do you mean?

-Now he makes like a comic.

Dick Craig.

I don't put much stock
in the future success

of our married life
if already you're

holding out secrets on me.

-Hmm?

-You've been dodging me all day.

-Have we met?

-Where'd you get
an idea like that?

-You mean you haven't
been dodging me?

-I was actively avoiding you.

-And all those times
I called and Kelton

said the line was
busy, it really was.

-Yes.

-OK.

Let's have the story on
Lake Marsh and the monster.

-Ah, monster, monster.

-Who's got the monster?

-I thought so.

-There are no such
thing as monsters.

This is the 20th century.

-Don't count on it.

Monsters, I mean.

-Now, Janet.

-Dammit.

-Don't you "Now, Janet" me.

And you can count
our engagement off.

-You don't mean that.

-Yes, I do.

-No, she doesn't.

-I most certainly do.

-Well, then give
him back the ring.

-What?

-This is the best bit.

-Give him back the ring.

-Now, Chief!

I--

-Captain.

Give him back the rock.

It's the only fair thing.

-I'd rather throw it
in Lake Marsh, first.

Besides, we've got to leave
our personal lives out

of our business lives.

-As it should be.

-As I've been saying all along.

-Dog.

[APPLAUSE]

-Aw, they used to do
this in Vaudeville.

-That's your own story.

You wrote it, and
you're stuck with it.

There's no such as monsters.

[INSANE LAUGHTER]

-That makes twelve
in three months.

[THEME MUSIC]

-Well, looks like I've run
into it a dead end around here.

-I think I'll go
ruin another movie.

-If you boys want to
play a game of secrets,

there's nothing left
for me to do but take

a run out to Lake Marsh, myself.

-Over my dead body.

-That could be arranged.

-It's Lawrencia Bembenek.

-Goodbye.

-Say goodbye to the
bird, he's hurting.

-Eh, dames.

-She's just crazy enough
to do what she says.

-You know what, Captain?

-That's what.

-I think you're right.

-Let's see, who
else can I frighten?

-And we now return
to "The Big Big Car."

-Geez, you could stand
up in that thing.

-Oh, the sign says, "Space
Reserved for Creepy Woman.

-This is Lake Marsh?

-Well, they paved Lake Marsh
and put up a parking lot.

-Oh, that's the door.

I wouldn't have--

-Self-styling a
door [INAUDIBLE].

-Hi, Tillie.

-Hi, Janet.

Long time no see.

-Tillie, do you remember
a couple of years

ago, in the real estate section,
when the old Willow place out

on Lake Marsh was up for
sale-- against back taxes?

ALL: Yeah!

-Seems to me, that was around
November or December of '48.

Want to see the files?

-Yes.

-Just a minute.

-That was right after my face
went over to the dark side.

-Here we are.

-Ah, no, that's
my brownie recipe.

-October to December '48.

In the file cabinet over there.

-I won't be long.

-Take your time.

I ain't going any place.

And neither are they.

-It's Wilhelmina Demarest.

-Huh, what do you know,
building codes under fire.

-Hey, don't touch that sandwich.

-Oh, there's a
column in Ann Landers

about older women
liking cuddling.

-What's she-- ew.

-Find what you wanted, Janet?

-Yes, thanks.

Sorry to leave such
a mess for you.

-Well, that's what
I get paid for.

-Be a dear, Tillie.

Call the boss--

-Springsteen?

-I'll report in later.

-Sure thing.

Find something hot?

-Could be.

Oh, and Dick!

-Oh, yes.

Break my dinner date with him.

Tell him I-- Oh, I have
an ulcer or something.

-Leave it to me.

I fix.

-What's it like outside?

-Hi, Janet.

-Oh, hi, Marge.

-Janet.

Still on the monster hunt?

-What do you think?

-I think the boss has been
looking for you all day.

Something about the police
wanting those monster stories

86'ed.

You've got the whole
town in a panic.

-I didn't hear you.

-I said--

-I know what you said.

But I didn't hear you.

-Big face theater.

-I get it.

See you later.

-Dun de da da da-- Ahh!

-Hey, scootch over, Mr. Hoffa.

-Now, now, Mrs. Webb, no.

No.

Slowly, Mrs. Webb.

Uh, you are backing up.

You're ba-- Mrs. Webb--

-[INAUDIBLE] is very
important in this case.

-I'd like him to hear
what you just told me.

-I should be happy to cooperate.

-Oh, hello, Dick.

-Ah, kiss the bird, Dick.

-Professor Vladimir Strowski,

-Yeah, right.

-Glad to meet you, Professor.

-How do you do?

-Professor, will you
bring him up to date?

-(German accent) Well, I
was born in Krankenheim.

My father--

-Have you ever
heard of Loch Ness?

-Any relation to Elliott Ness?

-It's a lake in
Scotland, isn't it?

-No, it's a lake in Scotland.

-Then perhaps you are familiar
with the Loch Ness Monster.

-That's a monster in a
lake in Scotland, right?

-A few years ago, was called
in by the British police

to investigate the appearance
of a monster in Loch Ness.

We thought that it was
some creature left over

from a bygone age.

I am considered an
authority on the subject

of prehistoric monsters.

-He's smelling his thumb.

-However, I must admit that
my investigation failed

to get the desired
results in that I

did not see the monster myself.

-Hey, Siegfried, pick an accent
and stick with it, will ya?

-There are sworn statements.

-Professor--

-Lunch, yeah.

-Is it your theory that
perhaps the Loch Ness Monster

crossed the ocean and
came to the swamp?

-I consider that possibility
extremely remote.

-That is the union approach.

-The creatures do bear a certain
similarity in that there are so

many varied descriptions
of this so-called monster.

-Sausages.

Ah, yeah.

-I thought perhaps,
with my knowledge

of such things, and with
your permission, of course,

that I might be able to shed
some light on this mystery.

-No, we just need some
light typing and filing.

-What do you think, Dick?

-Denny's?

-Sounds good.

-There's no denying we
need help of some sort.

-And you'll keep your findings
secret for the time being?

-As you will.

-You don't mind
a little company?

[LAUGHTER]

-What do you mean, company?

-You know, wrestling!

-Lieutenant Craig.

Sometimes the police
can be quite useful.

-I should be most happy to have
Lieutenant Craig's assistance.

How soon can you
be ready to leave

for Lake Marsh,
Lieutenant Craig?

-I'm ready.

-Should take some time to-- oh.

-I suggest we wait
until morning.

There was a storm
brewing when I came in.

-That was the coffee.

-So close to nightfall.

-According to reports, the
monster strikes only at night.

-Hehe.

Funny.

-Undoubtedly true.

But the preliminary
investigation--

-Pulmonary?

-Investigation should
take place at daylight.

The night.

The monster.

-And Val.

-All in good time.

-Sounds logical.

-Whatever you say.

-Not it.

-Now, gentlemen, since I just
arrived in town this afternoon,

if you will excuse me, I should
like to return to my hotel.

-Certainly, sir.

-Good day, Captain.

-Professor.

-Professor, kiss the bird.

Kiss it!L

-Oh, uh, could you
recommend a discotheque?

-Until morning,
Lieutenant Craig.

-I'll be here.

-Whatever.

See ya.

Buh-bye, now.

-Say, how did it go in there.

I was just wondering how--

-Strange sort of bird.

-Don't talk about my bird.

-Where do I meet him?

-Here, 10:00.

That'll give him
plenty of daylight.

-Hehe, what?

-Well, see you later.

-Hmm, got a date?

-Why, sir, I'd love--

-What do you think?

-I'll say you don't.

-I don't?

-Your gun's showing.

-Her office called in.

Said that Janet had a
headache or some such thing.

-If she's going to
Lake Marsh alone,

I'll take her across my knee
if it's last thing I do.

-I hope she did.

I hope she did.

-Watch him, Dick.

-Strowski?

-Just a hunch.

-Right.

Say, Dick, how did it go in
there, I was just curious--

-Nobody's kissing
the bird today.

-Wow, it looks like Anjelica
Huston in "The Grifters."

-When God was in
black and white.

-Wait a minute.

She skinned a Hostess Snowball,
and now she's wearing it?

-There, now I'll stay dry.

Coconut works well.

-She's weird.

Relatives' ashes
in the front yard.

-Hey, please cover us up, dear.

It's going to rain.

Dear?

-The Senator
approaches the bridge.

-Let's see.

They said take a
left at the elm tree.

Is that an elm?

No, that's a--

-Hee hee hee!

Wipeout!

-Uh, uphill, no
curve, turn the wheel

to the right, that's right.

-Well, it could be worse.

Could be raining.

-Well, big river
snake, better call AAA.

-You guys notice how the music
makes it seem more suspenseful?

-Meanwhile, a
thousand miles away--

-Oh brother.

I had one.

-How do you do it, Ed Wood?

[SCREAMING]

[THEME MUSIC]

-OK.

I just really need
to say something.

-Well, whatever is
it, little buddy?

-The monster in this
experiment is not scary.

There I said it.

And I'd say it
again if I had to.

-I'm down with that, Crow.

Here, dig this.

It says here that octopi
rarely even exceed four feet.

-Yeah, I know that
monster in today's movie

had such a charmed life.

I mean his victims basically
fell right into is his laps.

-Yeah, it seems like you
can make a monster out

of any sort of sea creature.

You could probably
really terrorize somebody

with a flounder.

-Of course, you know, the people
back in the Midwest really

didn't know that
much about seafood,

so it probably
was pretty spooky.

You know, Ed Wood
could have used sushi.

-Yeah, or a fish filet.

I mean, sure, it
doesn't look that scary,

but once it turns, look out.

-Consider the deep sea
sandwich at White Castle.

The name merely implies
that it is a fish product.

-Are we getting into
processed foods, now?

-Sure, as long as they're scary.

-Well, there's olive loaf.

ALL: Blech!

-And there's Dutch loaf.

ALL: Blech!

-Or any kind of loaf.

ALL: Blech!

-Have you ever been
to a fish boil?

ALL: Blech!

-Or, once I bit into
a cold tater tot.

ALL: Ew!

-Gross me out, royally.

You've gone too far, Joel.

You took a fun thing and
made it totally depraved.

-Oh, you wussy.

You wouldn't last two
minutes with a jar

of dried beef coming at you.

-Oh, and, like,
what are your odds

going up against a kipper snack?

Hehe.

Um.

So, um.

What was the question?

-Um, I think he said something
about a flounder something?

-Um, didn't you say
something about olive loaf?

-No, I didn't.

-Yeah, you did.

You said something
like, Na na na

na olive loaf-- blah blah blah.

-Oh.

ALL: Huh.

Ahhh!

We've got movie sign!

-Oh, monsters.

that's what we're talking about.

-Bad snake, bad.

-Oh.

Oh, oh, Tor love this.

Tor look fetching
when go to church.

-Oh, gross.

Oh, yuck.

-Oh, god, no, does he have
room for her in there?

-Hey, it's the little
one-room ghoulhouse.

DR. VORNOFF (OFFSCREEN): You
are all right now, my dear.

-Oh, I wasn't snoring, was I?

-I went home with you?

-Who-- who are you?

-I-- I'm Doctor Eric Vornoff.

-Yeah, I invented the world.

Yeah.

-You had a severe shock.

-Oh yeah, when I
woke up and saw you.

-How did I get here?

-Ohh.

-Letting the days go by.

-That's not important
for the moment.

-Ah, so you don't know.

-What you need now is rest.

-Rust?

-Rest.

-Rust?

-You feel sleepy.

-"Gary Oldman's Bram
Stoker's Dracula Hands"

by Francis Ford Coppola.

-Sleep.

ALL: Yuck!

-For the lovely young lady--

-Of Shady Lane.

-Sleep.

-OK, now.

Wake up, you're late for school.

-Meanwhile, back at
Gilligan's Island,

the Howells make a car
out of coconut leaves.

-(Singing) We can
crash in my Nash.

-You know, they say Honduras is
really nice this time of year.

-Hey, I'm following me.

-Well, here we are at
the for in the road.

And like they say in all good
Westerns, which way did he go?

Well--

-Oh, no!

He's got a gun!

-That's the road to
the Willows place.

Let's take a chance on that one.

-OK.

Well, I get to hate this
swamp more every time

I come out here.

-Well, funny, the
swamp likes you.

-You just weren't born
for swamp duty, Marty.

-I guess you're right.

I'd like to transfer
to a department

as far away from
here as possible.

-Look, Marty, you going to
light these things, or what?

-Gives this place a gleam
that just isn't natural.

-Marty, you're dawdling again.

-Alive with crawling things.

Crawling death.

-You're right, there, Marty.

-Need a vacation, Marty?

-This swamp is a
monument to death.

Snakes, alligators, quicksand,
all bent on one thing.

-Kicks

-Destruction.

[THUNDER]

[HISSING]

-Ow!

-Just you wait.

-Something strange
about all this rain.

-Hey, that rhymes.

-Maybe it's like the papers
say-- all these atom bomb

explosions distorted
the atmosphere.

-Oh, whoa, whoa.

Don't change the plot, now.

-You know, if I were this
Professor Strowski guy,

I wouldn't come out in
this swap about a guide.

-You know, that's the
one thing I can't figure.

-Guys.

-He comes to the office.

-Oh ho ho, I heard this one.

-Makes an appointment to
come out here with us, then

goes off by himself.

-Well, are you sure
he came out here?

-Ah!

Hey, What do I look
like, an ashtray?

-Well, let's get at it.

-Boy, that was an
extensive investigation.

-Mm-hmm

-Remember to buckle up, Marty.

I know it's just a short drive.

Hands at 10:00 and 2:00, Marty.

Safety cushion.

Watch your safety cushion.

Ma-- Mar-- Marty,
you're sliding.

Don't brake.

Don't brake.

You're sli-- Oh.

Blind intersection, Marty!

Look out, Marty!

Ma-- When you going
to get married, Marty?

-Look, you drive.

-Hey, look.

Look at this huge car.

Wonder if it's for sale.

-Yeah, there's not
a trace of her.

-Maybe after the accident, she
found her way down to the road

and back into town.

-I've got to be sure.

-Look, there's a coffee
joint about 10 miles back,

let's go and check.

-Yeah I could use a cup.

Good thinking.

Maybe I get some
decaf or something.

-Let's have lunch, too.

I love those little
sandwiches they make.

They cut the crusts off, and
they have a great egg salad.

-Uh, guys.

The antenna is stuck
in the door again.

-Wha?

-Oh.

-Uh, there she is.

-Defensive driving
pays off, Marty.

That could been
you on that hill.

-Hey, they changed
color and style.

-Hey, it's Happy the Wonder
Car, with a built-in juicer.

Beep beep.

-Studebaker.

-Coming into the
bullpen, Jack McDowell.

-I got it.

The Id, the Ego,
and the Superego.

-Buck Henry meets Elmer Fudd.

-OK, let's see here.

Scene 12, pull into
view, exit car.

Remember, you're German.

-(German accent): Och.

Yes.

German.

Oh, yes.

Hello, I'm exiting
car, und I'm German.

German as I could be.

Ja.

Ja.

High on the hill-- ooh-- Lived
a lonely goatherd-- ow-- Lady

oh da la-- ooh-- lay hee hoo.

Ow, ooh.

-White psychiatrist,
black heart.

-Hey, he found his way to
Wally's filling station.

-What do you want on yours?

-Well, we'll get
your song right on.

You guys partying down there?

-Where did you find her car?

-Caw!

Yeah, hit him on the car thing.

-Not a sign of her?

-Don't believe that.
And what about the car?

C'mon.

-Where's Strowski?

-Who cares about Strowski.

The girl, the girl.

-I told you not to let
him out of your sight.

-Fine, Captain.

-Give him hell.

-I don't like the
looks of things.

-Ha!

You got him against
the wall, baby.

Caw!

-Well, get back to Strowski.

-Forget Strowski,
give me the phone.

Ohh.

[WHISTLE]

-Yeah.

-He's talking to
the bird, Marty.

-You look worried, Dick.

-No one.

-Oh, they're
drinking baked beans.

-The office.

No one has heard from her
since yesterday afternoon.

-Check the Bates Motel.

-Captain Robbins is
checking for her.

-OK, but what do we do?

-Orders.

Find Strowski.

-You know, soup is good food.

-Caw.

OK, now, call Hertz Mountain.

Order a gross of
seat belts for me.

Come on, do it now, that's
right, Keep dialing, you chump.

Oh, uh-oh.

Oh.

Oh, oh, I'm going
to start tripping.

Can't help myself. [WHISTLE]
Had a fibrous breakfast.

Caw.

Ah, my vent is opening.

Sorry, oops.

Oh, oh, let a little go, there.

-Hello, Jim.

-Hello, Jim.

-Yeah, about the Lawton girl.

-The Lawton girl?

-He just called me, too.

-He just called me too.

-0 saw her last
around your office?

-Caw.

Ask him what he's wearing.

Caw!

Hmm?

-Then, when I was eight,
I found that I-- Doctor?

Doctor.

-Your free
continental breakfast.

-This is Motel 666.

You get it?

-Don't be afraid of Lobo.

He's as gentle as a kitten.

-A big, bald, deranged
kitten that could

snap your neck like celery.

-Me Lobo.

Me a waiter.

-That is all.

Get out.

-Ah, we have other tables, Lobo.

-My tip.

-Take a picture, it
lasts longer, geez.

-I'm so sorry, he's
from Barcelona.

-Out.

[SCREAMING]

-I love these theme restaurants.

-This is Madonna's
favorite bistro.

-Wait, you forgot
the Little Sizzlers.

-Ironically there's
no tipping allowed.

-So, uh, how is the
meal so far, good?

-Show's over,
nothing to see here.

-What is this place,
and who are you?

-Well, this is here, and I'm me.

-Remember, I told
you last night.

-Did you tell me?

-Wow, I was really
crocked last night.

-Yes, I'm Doctor Eric Vornoff.

-What did I do?

What did I say?

Did somebody bring
my roommate home?

-Yes.

-Watch me rock.

-How did you know?

-I checked our
real estate files.

A Dr. Eric Vornoff
bought the Willows place

in November of 1948.

-You've got spunk.

I hate spunk.

-You are a newspaper
reporter, huh?

-Yes.

-My name seems to
mean much to you.

-Well, actually, it wasn't
your name I was interested in.

-We're doing a temple
feature on Lobo.

-And the Willows place
being right on the lake,

I looked in the files to
see what happened to it.

Your name was there
as the purchaser.

-Oh, mama.

-I thought perhaps
you might have

heard something
about the monster.

-Oh ha ha, my dear Ms. Lawton.

I--

-When did I tell you my name?

-Todd's house.

-You didn't.

But since you were
unconscious, I

took the liberty of
looking into your purse.

-You must have
seen my press card.

-Yes, I did.

-And where are my Tic Tacs?

-Since you knew the answers
already, why the third degree,

and who or what
was that monster?

-Oh, he's white human.

I discovered him in the
wilderness of Tibet.

He's been quite useful to me.

-Well, OK.

-Ah, how do I get
into this painting?

-But now, since your
tiring experience,

I think we have talked too much.

-I'm not the least bit tired.

-I could talk to you for hours.

ALL: Ahh!

-Juicy.

-Oh, not with the hand again.

-You are so tired.

-Ah wub wub wub.

A-wub wub wub wub.

Nyuk nyuk.

-Have to puke.

-Well, that'll put you
off your eggs, huh?

-I do feel very tired.

-This could be upside
down, for all we know.

-Suddenly, I feel blurry.

-Tired.

-Excellent, can I have
your kipper snack?

-Very tired.

-Crotch!

-Hey, hey, Bela, don't
even think about it.

-Eh, time for your
whipping, boy, come here.

-Lobo!

-Bus table two, please.

-Take the girl to my quarters.

-Hey, Mr. Douglas.

-Um.

Anybody need a Chevy, here?

-Hey, the door changed.

-Looks like the Cabin
of Doctor Caligari.

Heh heh heh.

-Hello!

I'm the worthless
ancillary character,

waiting to be killed off.

Hello!

-Hello?

Anybody here need
a psycho-analyst?

-Burl Ives!

-Elmore Leonard!

-Lenin!

-McCartney.

-Hmm.

I wonder if this door
leads to my doom.

Hello?

Hello?

-Hey, it's occupado!

-Sorry, this is-- thing.

Hello.

Nice pictures on the wall.

Hello?

Hello?

Anything that's
through these doors?

Hell-- hello.

-Oh, hi, Fred.

-Wow, bumper pool.

-Dolbert Hendricks, cool!

-Oh, there's a large, balding
man who might be of assistance.

Sir, do you think I
could-- [CHOKING SOUND]

-Tonight, on "Later
with Bob Costas,"

Bob welcomes Hans Conried.

-Hands down.

-Hey, look.

Miss Kitty's
changing back there.

-Mmm.

-God, I look good in aviators.

-Good day, General Grant.

Hello?

-Oh, that scar's healing
really nicely, Lobo.

-Time for do my Cagney.

You dirty rat.

You kill brother.

Thank.

I out of here.

-You know, I love
the antiques you

can get in these little
out of the way places.

They're so good.

Mm.

-Cato.

-My dear Professor Strowski.

-My darling Doctor Lamb Chop.

-It has been a very long time.

-(Singing) Been a long
lonely lonely lonely lonely--

-It is you.

-Put her in the vise.

-In Paris, I missed
you buy a month.

In London, a week.

At Loch Ness, by only one day.

-Indianapolis, by a second.

-The monster of Lake Marsh
sounded again like you.

-Why the sudden interest
in me, Professor Strowski?

-Your experiments in
atomic energy, of course.

-Why, he's an associate justice.

-My dear country now
believes in my work.

And that it can be a success.

-Our government wants
you to return, Vornoff.

To continue your research
and experiments there.

-Accent!

Accent!

-You can have everything
at your disposal.

-Everything.

-Ha ha ha ha ha.

-Why do you laugh?

Surely, this is not
a laughing matter.

-Well there are funny elements.

-My dear Professor Strowski.

20 years ago--

-Today, Sergeant Pepper Pot.

--My homeland.

Parted from my wife and son,

-And banned from MTV.

-Never to see them again.

Why?

-Because we like you.

-Because I suggested
to use the atom

elements to producing
super beings.

-Look at those bags.

-Beings of unthinkable
strength and size.

-Wax beans.

Fava beans.

-I was classed as a madman.

-And I love it.

-A charlatan.

-And the ladies like it too.

-Outlawed in a world
of science which

previously honored
me as a genius.

-I'm a genius!

Thank you!

-Now, here, in this
forsaken jungle hell,

I have proven that
I am all right.

-Well I'm going to take off.

-Now, Professor Strowski,
it is no laughing matter.

-Yes.

Yes, indeed, it
was a tragic error.

-But it was fun.

-But as soon as I learned how
correct your findings were,

always have been, I
informed those in authority.

-And I took the credit.

-Vornoff, I have searched
for you everywhere.

Everywhere I hear
stories of monsters.

-Except here.

It's always the
last place I look.

-Now I'm here, sent
to bring you home.

-Oh, poopy.

-Oh.

-Ooh, and then
Brian died, and he

was such a good football player.

And Gale Sayers was
all alone in the world.

And they had the same
front room as "Bewitched."

-I have no home.

-I'm a lonely boy.

-Hunted.

-Oh, yes.

-Despised.

-That's right,
bring it home, Mom.

Mm-hmm.

-Living like an animal.

-Well, you won't have Bela
to kick around, anymore.

-Man, he's really
chewing the scenery.

-I will show the world
that I can be its master!

-"Beastmaster, Through
the Portal of Time?"

-I will perfect my
own race of people.

-Rice of people?

The San Francisco treat?

-Ding ding.

-Atomic supermen which
will conquer the world.

-So, anyway, that's my dream.

And you?

[THEME MUSIC]

-Yes.

Yes, of course.

A truly great master race.

Such as I convinced my
superiors only you could create.

One with which
our government can

rule the world without debate.

-Don't misunderstand me.

Strowski.

I don't intend to return home.

-Not till Mom says she's sorry.

-My plans are for myself.

-OK.

-Are you mad, Vornoff?

-What the hell do you think?

-One is always considered mad.

You have discovered something
that others cannot grasp.

-Like tofu.

-Look out, I've got a gun!

-Our government ordered
me to bring you back.

-Ooh.

-I'm afraid you'll find
that rather difficult.

-Time for go to happy hour.

-I did not come alone.

-Neither did I,
my dear Strowski.

Bring him along, Lobo.

-How does Lobo
sneak up on anyone?

-It's Lobo the Scalia.

-You know, you take a chance
with any bed and breakfast.

-Yeah, Lobo's wearing Zubaz.

-Ooh, I've got to follow that.

Bleh!

Literally.

-You-- you may kill me--

-Hugs.

-You will never
get away with it.

[INAUDIBLE]

-Not the beanbag chair!

-Ha!

We do have fun.

Sorry about the
whipping, earlier.

[SCREAMING]

-Yes, it's good this
time, isn't it, friend.

-Now, Professor Strowski.

-And Hutch.

-You will get a much closer view
of the product of my genius.

-Come on, turn
around, look at it.

It's your death, come on.

-The alledged monster
of Lake March.

-Well, it's allegedly
killing him.

-Haha, how do we
get away with this?

-Your country offers
fame and fortune.

ALL: (Singing) Fame and
fortune, fame and fortune.

-Life is so much more great.

-Hey.

Quit playing with your food.

-German food is so heavy.

You will disappear,
Professor Strowski, just as

all the others have disappeared.

-Hey, Lobo's got
his old scar back.

-Shall we?

-After you.

-It's fun for five minutes,
but then it gets old.

-There, surround sound.

-Yep, stick a fork in him.

Turn him over.

He's done.

-Man, I wish they had a
more effective monster.

This is taking forever.

-Done and done.

-Uh, Marty?

Marty, let's just
park on the ramp, OK?

Please?

-Hey, wow, I found another car.

Second one today!

-Studebaker.

-I thought we could
just talk for a while.

-Oh my god, it's a car.

-Think it's the
one Strowski used?

-I'd make book it is.

-Huh?

-It's getting dark now.

You take the car and
go down to the beach.

I'll go through the swamp
to the old Willows place.

-OK.

Oh, here.

Better take this with you.

-Right.

Oh, Marty.

-What do you want to do tonight?

-If you see anything
suspicious, you know where I am.

-Trouble is everything in
this swamp is suspicious.

-Ah ha ha.

Get out of here, you nut.

-Buh-bye, now.

-Damn, I like him.

He's a good egg.

Wish he felt he
could open up to me.

-Well.

Back at it.

-Hey, I hear a
bassoon back here.

-Oh, looks like a clu-- oh, no.

Maybe that could be a-- no.

That's not a-- Maybe-- no.

-Short night's journey into day.

-Well, he fell into
the Billy Barty trap.

-Hey, I pressed the up button.

Really.

-I don't believe this.

It actually worked.

-I remember when rock was young.

Ha ha.

-He's shooting at
a different movie.

-Oh, sheesh.

Brother.

-How many shots does he have?

-Here, well, this thing
isn't helping me much.

-Well, you know, I
was going to help you.

-Phew!

That was really quicksand.

Man, was that quicksand.

-Real quick.

-That's sand.

-So what do you suppose a
crocodile was doing in Florida?

-Retiring.

-Well, go, for crying out loud.

Geez.

-Geez.

Gall.

-It's the new zoo review.

-I'm in here.

-Sorry.

-What can I do for you, sir?

-Captain Robbins, homicide.

-Why, Captain, I
haven't murdered anyone

in a month of Sunday.

-Did Janet Lawton stop by
here late yesterday afternoon?

-Just like a policeman,
no sense of humor.

Yes, she stopped by
late in the afternoon.

-Hey, her pencil's gone.

-Not to the second.

-It's back.

-She came around 2:00
and left around 3:30.

And again, that
isn't so late, is it?

-She was looking
for information.

-That I'm sure of.

Do you happen to know
what that information was?

-Well, sure.

-Well?

-Well, what?

Must we play games?

-I didn't know we were.

-What was Miss Lawton
looking for in the files?

-Oh.

Well, why did you ask
that in the first place,

instead of all your chit chat?

-Doh.

-It's gone again.

The pencil.

-In October, November,
and December of 1948.

In particular, the
sale of the old Willows

place out on Lake Marsh.

-You can tell they're in love.

-Did she find what
she was looking for?

-I guess she did.

At least she found the--

-Gone again!

-I saw it myself
after she rushed out.

She left the paper open
at the November 26th date.

Want to see it?

-Very much.
-It's back.

-Well, it's right up there.

I haven't had time
to put it back, yet.

-Yeah, what's this, here?

It says weird fingerless
bird man under suspicion?

-Well-- well-- oh?

-Yeah, Dr. Eric Varnoff.

Give me all you have on him.

-Ah, he's called his budgie.

-I'll hang on.

-Uh, my turn, boss.

-Hey, go get daddy a beer, eh?

-Go set the table,
honey, will ya?

-This arthritis is killing me.

-And this right here
is my fork ball.

-Yeah, this is my slider.

Really falls off the
table, let me tell ya.

-I must.

I must.

I must increase my bust.

The bigger the better, the
tighter my sweater, the boys

depend on us.

Hey.

I must.

I must--

-Ladies and gentlemen,
the June Taylor dance--

-Oh, geez.

-Ew.

Yech.

-(Singing) He is now
to be among you--

-Boy, do I have a headache.

I got a head crammed
full of bad ideas.

I shouldn't have
watched so much.

You know, I'm beginning
to think the world would

be a better place
with no advertising.

-No advertising?

-Uh, who are you?

-Why, I'm Willie the

-Waffle, the wonderful,
whimsical, wise-cracking

waffle.

Waffle?

-Hi, Waffle.

I was just wishing our world
was without advertising.

Say, didn't you appear
in the same getup in show

317, "Viking Women

vs. The Sea Serpent?"

-It was all I had,
I had to work fast.

-Oh.

-Say, I wonder what kind of
paint Pat Summerall buys.

-No advertising. (WHISTLE)

-Wow, I had no idea,
Magical Waffle Womper.

-Knew your father, I did.

-Golly, I sure got a
hankering to watch something

from the mind of
Billy Crystal, but I

have no idea where to turn.

-No advertising.

-Wow.

-The hell--

-Ah, oh, Magical
Waffle Cobbler, I sure

wish that snotty
British guy would

write some more poetry
about GAP jeans.

-No advertising.

-Yes!

-Hey, Mr. Wafflecrank, I
wonder where John Madden shops.

-No advertising. (WHISTLE)

-Wow, you know, it's as if
Ace Hardware commercials never

existed.

-Right, Tommy.

Oh, Waffle Weenie, if you
took away advertising,

my sneakers would cost a
fraction of what they cost now.

-No advertising. (WHISTLE)

-Yes!

-Hey Mr. Waffle Moppet,
I want the rain forest

to last for another
2 billion years.

-Well, all right.

-No advertising. (WHISTLE)

-Wow, I never realized.

It must be so cool.

[SIGHS]

-Advertising.

Enjoy some now.

[WHISTLE]

[THEME MUSIC]

[SCREAMING]

-You're spoiling my
wedding day, boss.

Think of the guests.

-I command you.

-Oh, man.

Somebody took the TV listings.

-Yeah, wha-- huh?

-Nice case.

-This man is the same as this
man, only in a different pose.

Your mission, Jim--

-Hmm?

Oh, Hey, cool, you can
flush the fireplace.

-You know, I bet Santa
appreciates this.

-Ooh, ow.

-This is a weird spa.

-Hi, Uncle Bela.

Aunt Tor.

-Get the equipment ready.

-If anyone one can find just
cause to stop this movie,

speak now or forever
hold your peace.

-And bite down, please.

-Just for a moment.

And then, you will
emerge a woman

of super strength and beauty.

-You will inspire Helen Reddy.

-You're insane.

-Yeah.

-My paper knows where I am.

You can't get away with it.

-As soon as my
experiments are completed,

no one can ever touch be.

I will make the law.

Either way, if I
succeed or fail--

-Stay tuned.

-It will not hurt you very long.

-Let me go.

Let me go.

-You heard what she said.

-Johnny Depp!

-Uh, sir, we haven't
begun seating, yet.

-For one thing, the police.

Now, turn her loose,
and make it fast.

-You have the advantage
for the moment.

-Until my stealthy
giant appears.

-Dick!

-No, duck!

Damn, I said that wrong.

-Geez, get this guy.

-Tor, could you help
me move next week?

-Hooker, you've gone
too far this time.

-Hooker's a good cop.

-OK, everybody
remember that tree.

-What tree?

-Well, I'm glad we
all rode together.

That was fun.

-You know, the generic
police are just

as good as the brand name
ones, but they're cheaper.

-Where's Lieutenant Craig?

-We found Strowski's
car down the road.

Lieutenant took off
through the swamp.

Sent me down here to the
beach to wait for him.

-Where was he heading?

-Over to the old Willows place.

-Kelton.

-Yes, sir?

Now, this is your
first time out.

Don't mess up the operation.

-Yes, sir.

I mean, no, sir.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

-Martin.

-What up?

-Yes, sir.

-Come on.

-You know, these are
really quite comfortable.

-I'm sure my experiments on the
young lady will interest you.

-I'll live to see you hang.

-Oh, hang to live,
don't live to hang.

-There are much more
important things to attend.

-To-- we've got the wedding,
and reception, then--

-Tor, don't play
with the guests.

-Oh, Bela, your
bedside manner is bad,

and your breath is worse.

-I hope the straps
are not too cutting.

Such lovely skin
should not be marred.

-Let's get goofy, Tor.

Come on.

-What do you need, boss?

-Oh, yuck!

It's been sitting
down his pants!

-Hey, only I get
to pet that hat.

[SCREAMING]

-Tor prefers a more
traditional wedding.

-Stop!

Stop, I command!

-Tor, your review is
next week, you know.

This won't look on your record.

-Tor, more step and
it's a written warning.

-Ooh, that weird
lab guy flipped out.

-(Singing) Bess, you
is my woman, now.

-Lobo feel free.

-Uh, sorry about commotion.

-(Singing) I hear
you're getting married.

-Well, we'll have you out
of this in just a second.

There you go.

-Easy, Janet.

-Name's Tor.

-That one.

-And that-- all right,
hop down, you're done.

Grab a lollipop and
schedule your next one

with the receptionist.

-Uh, gee, Tor, you're
nice and everything.

I hope you understand.

I just kind of love you like the
fat, bald brother I never had.

-Uh, Lobo call Jan?

-Well, you know--

-T'was Beauty
confused the beast.

-Jan.

Get me the gun.

-I'll get the photographer.

-Easy.

-Hey, Lob.

-Oh, that does a
lot of good, thanks.

-Tighter.

C'mon, tighter.

Yeah.

-Uh, boss, you still
owe me a paycheck.

-Yep, I tried, just throw
him out back with the rest.

It's good, just--

-A big pile, now.

-No rush, honey, we're
just going to die.

-Can I help you over there?

-So, how long you've been
seeing this Lobo guy?

-No, I see you as a blonde.

-Uh, batter one.

Batter two.

-Tor between two lovers.

-This is why Tor
never got raises.

He's so slow.

-Well, his attitude is, you
know, you want it done now,

or do you want it done right?

That kind of thing.

-Uh, how do you work
this thing, boss?

Lobo take classes at DeVry.

[THEME MUSIC]

-Hey.

-Oh, that's a Van Heusen!

-Look, he gave him the
shirt right off his back.

-Tell your friends
Tor back in town.

-Tough day.

Tor hate Monday.

-C'mon, honey, get
back in that ring.

Come on.

Oh, for cryi-- Come on, dummy.

-Here's a little
number I whipped out

when I was in the Caribbean.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[HUMMING KLINGON BATTLE THEME]

-Oh, for crying out-- Tor.

-What the-- Hey, you're
bucking for my job, aren't you?

-That's the waffle
iron, you idiot.

-Ready?

-Huh.

-Mm-hmm, that's good rain.

Hmm hmm hmm.

-Hmm.

-I think he's learned
his lesson, Lobo.

-What's going on?

-I don't know.

But I think if I were a kid, my
mom wouldn't let me watch this.

-I love you, dammit.

-You never took me to ballgames.

-You know, they have
a few more issues

to work through than
just these, I think.

-Yep.

-Well, this is the only
spooky place on the marsh.

Must be it.

-You station yourself here.

You men surround the house.

-All two of you.

-You come with

-All right, Captain.

-Ready?

-Right.

-One, two, three.

-Check this out here.

See, it's a different
door on the inside.

-What do you know?

-Eh, get these stairs.

Where the heck do they go?

Nowhere.

-Eh, wish my bird,
Polly, was here.

-Oh, wow, it's a
whole other room.

-Whoa, guess he shouldn't have
had that Mexican for lunch, eh?

-Oh, yeah.

He's paying for it.

-Oh, no.

Now he's got the strength
of 20 heroin addicts.

-Honey, wake up,
you've got to see this.

-Payback time.

Bleh.

-Everyone keeps
finding the same clues.

-Hey, he's got platform shoes.

Sly Stone style.

-Get down.

-You know, this is Bela's best
scene, and he's not even in it.

-Come here, come here.

This is what I'd do
if Bela was here.

-Oh!

Lobo got back.

-Oh, his head looks like
a piece of ugly fruit.

-Yuck.

And so does his body.

-OK.

OK, pal.

OK, I made some mistakes.

You've made some mistakes.

We said some things
we shouldn't have.

I know.

-Here, hold this speaker.

Hehe!

-Man, that's touchy equipment.

-There he goes.

-You are my wife.

Goodbye, city life.

-Hey, yeah, thanks, honey.

I'll just take care
of myself, here.

-Missed the train.

-Ooh.

Max.

-Da da da da.

Look, the place is on fire.

Let's get out of here.

We're going to get roasted.

-Boy, they are detectives, huh?

-Captain!

Captain, look.

[HUMMING WEDDING MARCH]

-You know, that's not
something you see every day.

Bela Lugosi standing, carrying
a lady in a wedding dress.

[HUMMING WEDDING MARCH]

-What do you suppose that was?

-Well, whatever it is, get it.

Oh, wait a minute,
here comes Dick.

-I'm a Grimault Warrior!

[HUMMING WEDDING MARCH]

-Who's that there?

-Get him.

-No, don't shoot.

Might hit Jan.

Let's go.

-Can I be in the film, too?

I'm coming.

[HUMMING WEDDING MARCH]

-Marty,

-Yeah.

-Give me your gun.

-Just take the shirt off, Dick.

Gawl.

[HUMMING WEDDING MARCH]

-Well, this is your day, dear.

-Ah, just set her down anywhere.

-She got smaller.

-Ooh, I must have left the
iron on. [INAUDIBLE] [LAUGHTER]

-I'm going to go make "Plan
9," I'll be right back.

-Oh, Blanche Dubois.

-I've always depended on the
kindness of cross-dressers.

-No, now get on up
over that ledge.

Get up over on top of him.

-That's what I was
going to suggest.

-Oh, stop the chatter
and get in after him.

-Find my finger.

-Oxy-10 hates zits.

-Now he's clear.

Give it to him.

-You're shooting me, you dope.

-Now I'm pissed.

-Oh, great, he's getting nuder.

-I will not be mocked.

-Bleh.

-Ah, don't worry honey,
the shots don't even match.

-Nice tattoo.

-Oh, I bet that
boulder's going roll.

-Yeah?

-Check it out.

-Who is that guy?

-Uh..

Uh.

-Hmm?

Wha--?

-Ahaha!

-Oh, it's Kooky,
the Crazy Clown Cop!

-Kooky.

-No, keep the ripped shirt on.

You're ruining it for me.

-Aw, geez.

I'm up lame.

Now I'll have to be destroyed.

-Ahh!

-Boing boing.

Bing boing boing.

-Oh, good, Dick's here.

-Oh, uh.

Oh?

Huh?

-Oh, well of course,
this makes sense

because it's part of the--

-What?

-No.

-And then there's--

-Wha?

But then, uh--

-No.

-Huh?

-Then, wha--?

-No.

-Oh.

-Uh, wha--?

-Well, it got him,
what about Bela?

-Yeah?

-Trevor, the whisper-thin cop.

[SCREAMING]

-Kinda grows on you, huh?

-Well, calamari, anybody?

-Ooh.

-That was one unstable octopus.

-Uh, I've had
enough of this, Bob.

I have a bird to get
home to, excuse me.

-Oh boy, how did he do that?

-He tampered in God's domain.

-Oh, great.

The nutty bird man
in apartment 4B

is going to give us
a religious insight.

-Loser.

-Mm-hmm.

-Loser.

Loser.

Harvey B Loser.

George Beck Loser.

Paul Loser Marco.

Don "The Big Loser" Nagel.

Bud "Big Ol' Loser" Osborne.

John "Wanky Loser" Warren.

And-- Uh.

For crying out loud-- Bah!

-But the drunk was good.

Ben Frommer.
-Drunk was real good.

-Oh yeah.

-Are you ready, Cambot?

OK, let's ro--
Oh, you know what.

We should explain what we're
doing to the people, here.

-Yeah, yeah.

What are we doing?

-Well, we're-- Cambot believes
that he could re-edit the film

better than Ed Wood, Jr.
And we're going to help him.

-Uh, b-- bu-- but Joel,
that's not that Cambot thinks.

Cambot thinks that
that candy-butt,

Ed Wood edits like he's
got his head crammed--

-Ah, it really doesn't
matter what Cambot thinks.

What matters is that
we're going to be involved

in the re-editing of the
final scene of the film.

We're going to
help out by playing

the role of Bela Lugosi.

OK, so please, I abhor you.

Places everyone.

Rolling, and action!

-Now he's clear.

Give it to him.

[GUNSHOTS]

[SCREAMING]

ALL: Whoa!

-Wow, we really tampered
in God's domain.

-Live and learn.

-Well, letter?

-Good idea.

Sha la la.

Let's live for today.

This is from A1C Bill Connor
from Keflavik, Iceland.

Quick, Crow.

What's the capital of Iceland?

-Uh, Ice City.

-No, I'm sorry.

That's Reykjavik.

-Reykjavik.

-Reykjavik.

-Reykjavik.

-And ah, let's put that
up on Still Store, Cambot.

And we've also got two
pictures here, too.

And let's see what
Bill Connor says.

"Dear Joel, Tom, Crow, Gypsy,
and everyone else at MST.

Greetings from the
land of fire and ice.

I'm a radio and
television broadcaster

in the Air Force, stationed
in Keflavik, Iceland.

Every Thursday night is MST
night for the folks at the TV

station, and it's a
big morale boost--"

They're playing our tapes
on a TV s-- [INAUDIBLE].

-"Anyway, we're a little behind.

We're still watching last
year's Turkey Day show,

but we're trying
hard to catch up.

I've included some
pictures of Iceland.

One of golf's --"

-Show that on there.

-Pretty.

-Yeah.

And one of Etlksjdf;lj the
sight of the oldest democracy

in the world.

Hmm.

-Well, what do you know?

-What do you know?

Banachek is the
capital of Iceland.

-No, it's Reykjavik.

-Reklavik.

-Reyk--
-Reyk.

-Ja--

-Ja--
-Vik.

-Vik.
-Reyklavik.

-Reykjavik.
-Reyk--

-Rikkles.

-Reklek.

-Lobo.

Lobo.

-I'm a dead man.

[THEME MUSIC]