Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 20 - The Human Duplicators - full transcript

♪ In the not too distant future

♪ Next Sunday AD

♪ There was a guy named Joel

♪ Not too different
from you or me

♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute

♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit

♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place

♪ But his bosses didn't like
him so they shot him into space

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst we
can find, la, la, la,

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all

♪ And we'll monitor his mind

♪ La, la, la,

♪ Now keep in mind
Joel can't control

♪ When the movies
begin or end, la, la, la,

♪ Because he used
those special parts

♪ To make his robot friends

♪ Robot roll call

♪ Cambot

♪ Gypsy

♪ Hi girl

♪ Tom Servo

♪ What a cool guy

♪ Croooooooow

♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♪ And other science facts

♪ La, la, la,

♪ Then repeat to
yourself it's just a show

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000

[doors creak and whir]

Commercial sign in 30 seconds.

Oh, hi everybody, welcome
to the Satellite of Love.

I'm Joel Robinson, I had a
little free time on my hands

and I thought it'd be time to do

some modifications on the bots.

I thought I'd ask
them what they'd like.

Gypsy?

Um, maybe a cam
forward design.

Okay, cam forward,
anything else?

- Yeah, maybe another eye.
- Eye.

And perhaps a fin.

- Fins are racy.
- Oh, fins, okay.

- These are nice.
- Gotcha.

Okay, Crow?

Oh, I'll just
stay the way I am,

unless you can find a way to
give me more capacity to love.

[laughing] What a grade-A fa--

Hey, Tom.

Crow, I'll check
into that, okay.

Thank you.

Alright.

Okay, Tom, your turn.

Okay, how much time we got?

Oh I dunno, maybe--

Alright, grab my sketches
down there, will ya?

Oh, alright.

[Crow muttering]

Okay folks, these are just
a few line drawings that

should serve as a broad outline
of what I'm looking for.

Okay.

This is a complete redesign
that I call Tank Rambo.

It's an all-terrain assault me,

fitted with titanium
tracks and a laser cannon.

Capable of unheard of
destruction. [laughing]

Uh, could you give
us a sense of scale?

Sure, I'm 600 feet long,
cost is 93 billion dollars.

Oh, I don't think that--

Okay, next.

- Next, come on.
- Sorry.

Okay Ron Cellwall, right.

This one is admittedly complex.

It involves making
a microscopic me

and fusing it to genetic
material, and I'd live

parasitically in the
bloodstream of a mule deer.

I enter through the cell
wall, work like a virus

forcing the deer's own
body to create more of me

until the cell walls burst
[laughing] and hundreds of me

stream out to begin the
process all over again.

I'm equipped with
shifting antigens

so don't even try
to find a cure.

Commercial sign
in five seconds.

Okay, next.

Next please, come on.

Oh, good.

I call this design
"Don Stouffer".

It's me as a full service hotel

with a revolving
restaurant on top.

Set in trendy downtown
Seattle, I would appeal mostly

to Infiniti-driving
music agents.

We'll be right back.

And the service would be top
drawer, but emphasize youth,

leaning slightly towards
the familiar, [trailing off]

["Love Theme from MST3K"]

Now what's this
one supposed to be?

Oh, that's me,
except I'm moist.

Oh, come on you guys,

the Duchess and the
Dirtwater Fox are calling.

Well, Joel, with tongue
planted firmly in cheek,

we give you this week's
invention exchange.

It's from the mixed up files
of one Dr. Clayton Forrester.

And the button-down
mind of TV's Frank.

It's from the breezy,
irreverent viewpoint

of Dr. Clayton Forrester.

And the quirky, offbeat
perspective of TV's Frank.

The twisty skewered,
slightly bent brain

of Dr. Clayton Forrester.

The wacky whimsical
way of TV's Frank.

It's from the--

Would you just get on with it?

[laughing]

Our invention [laughing]

our invention [laughing]
this week is based on

[laughing]

the concept of
[laughing] oh, I'm sorry.

[laughing]

I can't do this.

[laughing]

Here, allow me... [laughing]

How many times has this
happened to you? [laughing]

When your fridge is
stuffed with tasty food

[laughing]

I can't! [laughing]

[laughing]

Oh, I'm [laughing]

oh, I'm sorry.

We've got a bad
case of the sillies.

[laughing]

[sighing]

[laughing]

Huh.

Sometimes I just don't

understand your
generation's humor.

Well, we'll do our
invention exchange first.

Joel?

Well, when I was a
kid, it was all the rage

to wear a Beanycopter
from Bob Clampett's

"Beany and Cecil" show.

Well, times have
changed, I'm a man now

and I like things that
are a lot more powerful

and a lot more cool.

That's why we've come
up with the Beanychopper!

It's got a 400
horsepower Liberty engine

with a supercharger, and a
circular piston configuration

just like the 1931 Bellanca,

the one that Hugh Herndon
and Clyde Pangborn used when

they flew nonstop across the
Pacific for the first time.

Okay, Joel, gas on!

Gas on!

Contact

Contact!

[rotor spinning]

[robots laughing]

Woo!

Oh, huh.

Well, pretty neat
huh? [laughing]

Are you kidding?

I thought you were gonna
go through the roof.

Well, I can't go
through the roof,

we're in space and all, I just,

I just figured you guys
would like it a lot more,

I really, y'know, put a lot of
work into it and everything.

Oh yeah, it's great Joel,

I just thought you were
gonna go through the roof.

Yeah, it's really
um, something.

I kinda agree with Crow.

Shoulda gone through the roof.

I guess I thought you'd
go through the roof is all.

[laughing]

Okay, invention exchange,
invention exchange,

now this time I mean it.

[laughing]

Have you seen those
commercials for First Alert

with William Conrad
for First Alert?

Well our invention
exchange this week

is a similar concept we
call the Fridge Alert.

[laughing]

Come on Frank, come on, come
on, I'm serious, I'm serious.

It's a special alarm
specifically designed

to keep William Conrad away
from your refrigerator.

[laughing]

Okay now, when William Conrad
opens your refrigerator door,

[alarm sounding] an
alarm signals the fact

that it's William Conrad
who is stealing your food.

[laughing]

Now, now I, I set the alarm
off for demonstration purposes

but remember, it
only works [laughing]

when it's William Conrad who's
raiding your refrigerator.

[laughing]

Which is totally absurd!

I mean who's gonna
need this thing?

Maybe Quinn Martin.

[laughing]

And he's dead!

[laughing]

Your movie this
week [laughing]

is "The Human Duplicators."

[alarm sounding]

[laughing]

Richard Kale!

[laughing]

I can't eat!

I'm William Conrad!

[laughing]

[alarm beeping]

Oh, we've got
movie sign, let's go!

[Crow and Tom talking
amongst each other]

Oh, hi.

Hey, it's a Tucks
medicated film.

[laughing]

[Crow talking and sighing]

Very nice, very nice movie.

[light cheering]

Attack of the Christmas
ornament from the '60s.

But I'm a Grimaldi warrior!

[upbeat science fiction music]

Let's all play
the Family Feud!

[singing "Family
Feud" theme song]

Eht Numah Srotlacivopod.

Oh.

Oh, well that's different.

Oh George Nader, he's
untalented at any speed.

Zing.

This just in, cheap set
used for cheesy movie.

Crappy film at 11.

Gotta have faith.

Huge Beaumont.

Yay! [cheering]

[laughing]

[sighing]

I'm Billy Bud
for Meville Buick,

we're having a whale
of a sale down here.

Aleane Bambi Hamilton?

She's a wrestler, I know it.

Consolidated Film Industries,

a subsidiary of Con-Huge-Co.

Hey look, they saved
Liberace's brain.

That's my brother
George's brain.

Uh, somebody please turn off

the watch display in the
middle there, thank you.

Mickey Manners.

[laughing]

This is a '60s game show.

It's from the high
energy comedy team

of Woolner and Wheezy.

[laughing]

Almost Arthur C.
Clarke but not quite.

[laughing]

Any relation to
Mildred Pierce?

No, but thanks for asking.

Oh.

Oh, Hugo Grimaldi,

he went on to do
better things, I think.

Like what?

Next week on
Human Duplicators.

Calling Scott Tracy,
Scott Tracy report.

It's an origami spaceship.

♪ S-A-N-T-A-C-L-A-U-S,
hooray for Santy Claus!

[Crow singing]

I can name that
tune in four notes.

I'll take "Things a Huge,
Untalented Actor Would Say"

for $1,000 please.

It's a Warhol series.

What is your report?

I wish to report to
the intergalactic council

that my carrier has arrived
on station as programmed.

I await further orders.

Clear your throat.

You may now be advised
of your assignment.

The primary objective of
your mission to planet Earth

is to establish a colony within

the advanced society
of the planet.

Okay.

This is necessary in
order that we may expand

our galaxy domination
program in the near future.

I understand the
importance of the mission.

Yeah right.

You will accomplish

this infiltration
of the Earth society

with the aid of Professor
Vaughn Dornheimer,

[audience laughing]

a renowned scientist
of that society.

And a good friend.

I understand, master.

If you are detected,
if you fail in any way

It will go on your
permanent record.

You will be destroyed.

I will not fail.

Much.

Agent Kolos, you may
now take your place

before the teletransporter.

We will contact you
after you've had

sufficient time to
accomplish your mission.

Okay? Buh-bye now.

Buh-bye.

Your celebrity partner
will be Nipsey Russel!

[cheering]

Sprinkle a day makes
Richard Kiel go away.

Did I leave the iron on?

Oh no, he got beamed into
the "Song of the South".

♪ Zip a dee do dah

I'm huge.

We visited Anthony Robbins

in his palatial home in Del Mar.

I begin my tour of
Southern California

with a quick trip to Greystone.

This is "Beverly Hills Cop",

only the slow, white version.

So, uh, what is his mission?

I dunno.

Selling band candy or something.

You rang?

Oh wait, I'm not
Ted Cassidy, sorry.

[audience yelling]

Can I help you, sir?

I wish to see
Professor Dornheimer.

I'm very sorry sir, the
professor's very busy.

You'll have to make
an appointment.

I wish to see the
professor at once.

[dramatic music]

[audience mimicking choking]

He must have read
"Getting to Yes."

Looks like the Ponderosa.

Excuse me, where's
the little giants' room?

[Crow singing
"Bonanza" theme song]

Oh? Hmm.

[gentle piano music]

Kate Mulgrew is Mrs. Chopin.

Uh, dear Penthouse,

I am a child from a small
Midwestern satellite, and, uh...

I'm here for my piano
lesson, Madame Sousatzka.

Oh Silky, have you
been rolling in the carp?

Thor?

Is that you?

Oh, she's blind.

Well that explains
the decorating.

[Tom laughing nervously]

Is that you professor?

Uh no, it's me, Gilligan.

Hey, who knows where
that hand has been!

Sleep!

Oh well.

Who is it?

Who's there?

I'm Dr. Kolos.

A colleague of
Professor Dornheimer.

I have traveled a great
distance to see him.

Geez, somebody
get her a sandwich.

The professor is
in his laboratory.

Was he expecting you, Doctor?

No, he was not
expecting my visit.

Oh, but he'll be
pleasantly surprised.

Well, he doesn't like to be
disturbed while he's working.

Perhaps you could phone in the
morning for an appointment?

Or if you care to wait--

It is imperative
that I see him at once.

It's a stripogram.

I assure you, it
will be alright.

My business with your uncle
is of extreme importance.

Come on, I'm huge, humor me.

You may trust in me, Lisa.

How did you know my name?

I have been informed
of your presence here.

But I had not expected
you to be so beautiful.

Look, I'm from another
planet, the meter's running.

I will show you to the
laboratory, Dr. Kolos.

[audience hooting
and catcalling]

It's quite alright,
Doctor, I can find my way.

You see, I grew up here.

I know every inch of
this house by heart.

Ooh, new inch.

Uh, I guess you know
that you're leading me

into the bathroom, ha ha.

It's the blind
leading the bland.

And this is the kitchen,

here's the new stove we
just ordered from Sears.

[dramatic music]

And, uh, this is my room,
it's done in pinks.

Marilyn's date is
here and he's ugly!

This is my velvet
underground, like it?

Looks like they forgot
to strike the time tunnel set.

Oh great, look who came in,

and without an
appointment, I might add.

It's Grant Tinker!

[dramatic music]

Professor Dornheimer.

I am Dr. Kolos.

The God of Hellfire
and I bring you...

[audience yelling]

Oh my God, you're huge.

I'm sure I do
not know you, sir.

But I think I could like you.

Perhaps you made a mistake.

There is no mistake,
Professor Dornheimer.

I have come to assist
you in your experiment.

Uh, but we're not hiring.

I don't need your assistance.

[laughing] But then again,

I could use a huge
man and a, oh.

But you do, sir.

Your theories are correct.

But your technique is wrong.

Everything you know is wrong!

In this manner,

you will not reach your
goal for many years.

Together, professor,

we shall create an
android in a few days.

Besides, I brought
my own lab coat.

I have important work to do.

I will not be distracted
by a total stranger

with fantastic ideas.

Thanks, I think.

But you will, sir.

[dramatic music]

Pons and Fleischmann,
the early years.

I command it.

Oh, well in that case.

Who are you?

I am Kolos.

And Diet Kolos.

[dramatic music]

Kevin McHale, no!

I am your master.

[sudden trumpeting]

Oh, brother's got
his own horn section.

Cool.

["Love Theme from MST3K"]

Next week on
"Human Duplicators".

Good morning sir.

Ah, sit and spin.

Kind of a high-security
Budgetel here, huh?

Oh he's lucky to get
a parking spot so close.

He's got special clearance

for the hospitality suite.

Well, you know, he
could have walked down

those high security
steps over there.

Yes, well, I worked at NASA

back when we were
next to Cost Cutters!

Dr. Munson, good morning, sir.

Hey, it's the
Maytag repairman.

Came in a little
early, couldn't sleep?

I'm here for the Mr.
Drysdale audition. [laughing]

That's right, couldn't sleep.

Perchance to dream.

Oh, wait, sir,

I'm sorry, Doctor, but you
know our security rules.

Yes, of course.

Hop like a bunny.

Okay, let's see.

Woozle, whose name is
Peanut, there you go.

There, is that better?

Yes sir, thank you.

Wait, sit and spin,
hey wait a minute!

Computer room, eh?

Boing.

There better be a
continental breakfast,

that's all I gotta say.

Why did he have to
sign in to go outside?

It's California.

[dramatic music]

Oh, boy. [laughing]
That makes it good.

It's "The Pawnbroker" meets

"It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad
World," the restored version.

Hmm.

All I have to do is... hey.

Wait a minute.

I only have so many years left,

why am I wasting
my time in this film?

Agh!

[alarm sounding]

Hey, Fred Flinstone's
running somewhere.

[Tom impersonating
Flinstones' car motor]

I wet 'em!

Oh, got to get to bio!

This is what they
get for leaving

national security secrets in
a high school in Pasadena.

It's the office of Daniel
Ellsberg's electrician.

I'll stand still,
he won't see me.

Oh, Dr. Munson!

Where's your AV card?

I thought you were
in the computer room.

What happened here?

Nothing to be
concerned about, Johnson.

- It's Olson.
- Nothing whatever.

Glad everything's alright!

Sounds like a promotion.

Dr. Heimlich, the early years.

Now I can take all
the penny nails I want.

[evil laughing]

[dramatic music]

All classes dismissed,
school's out forever!

Hey, look, there's
a doorknob, buddy!

Jerk.

Dr. Munson!

I think I love you!

[gunfire]

[gunfire]

Greenie's Stick-M-Caps
won't stop him!

Alright, okay, forget it,

I'll sign you out then,
okay, bye.

Stop in the name of
Tom Bodett!

[mimicking police radio]
1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12...

See the man, government secrets
stolen from the Motel 6.

You know, there's one thing
I can't stand, Steve.

- What's that, Wayne?
- Towel thieves.

Need a room, please.

Tenspeed and Brown Shoe!

National Intelligence Agency.

- NIA, this might be a story!
- Wish we were reporters.

You tell me. I only know
what I read in your papers.

Well, what does he mean
by that?

It's simple. Something's up,
so he doesn't wanna talk.

They never do,
those guys from NIA

Might as well forget about it.

Oh, not me! If there's a
story here, I'm gonna get it!

With my accordion!

Sure.

Officer Krupke,
I'm down on my knees...

Thank you, constable.

Oh, he's a quart low.

Why should I hurry?

You're doing my work for me.

Mickey Spillane?

I can't have a
quiet homicide anymore

without you NIA
boys being involved.

You pull that suit
off the Riddler?

We're dealing with
an espionage ring.

It might be just that, Shaw.

Dick Clark!

What'd they take this time?

Same as before,
transistors, dials,

laser crystals,
things like that.

I can't believe I loved him.

And the suspect?

Eh, seemed like a nice guy.

Trusted member of the staff,

character above
suspicion as usual?

Same, Dr. Munson,
head physicist.

Three times in the
past three months.

- That adds up to something...
- Well here he is!

...like espionage in our books.

Uh, you're
kneeling on his head.

Looks like this Dr. Munson
was the strong man type.

Dr. Munson Honeydew.

You're wrong.

I've got news for you,
Glenn boy,

that man's some
kind of a superman.

The guard outside fired four
shots at him, point blank,

never even fazed him.

And to top that,
he busted through

a two inch door out there.

Drinkin' before noon again?

Hate to be the man that
tries to bring him in.

I want to take a
look at his files.

Where's his office?

Across the hall,
I'll show you.

Next to the ice machine.

Lieutenant Shaw?

The highway patrol is
calling in from Stone Canyon.

Eric Estrada is on his way.

[dramatic music]

Hmm. This wheat looks
just about ready to harvest.

Who you gonna call?
[laughs]

Space Research Corporation
and Motor Lodge.

Get me Broderick Crawford.

This is Shaw,
let's have it.

Lieutenant, we found the car,
but your man's vanished.

For the moment, anyway.

We've checked and double-checked
the canyon road, not a trace.

Well, keep checking.
Can't get far, he's wounded.

We won't be able
to search too well

until the morning
fog lifts, sir.

Well, do the best you can.

My wife.

He doesn't have
much of a chance.

Don't take bets on it.

Come on, let's take a look
at those files.

Hey, it's Foreman and Clark!

Who did what to whom,
and why?

You'll have to ask him,
it's his case.

I'm just here to assist.

Here we go again, kid.
The old ball game.

Alright, Mr. Martin,
what's the score?

You want all the facts and
nothing but the facts, right?

[all]
So help us God.

My office will issue a
statement for the press

as soon as we have those facts.

Come on,
give us a break, will ya?

Sorry, that's the way it is.

Say, are those
Bugle Boy jeans?

And so, Hercules entered
the realm of the Minotaur.

I think it's my
battery again.

Uh, hope you brought the buns.

- Any way to get down there?
- Uh, donkeys?

It's quite a hike, though.

Whose place is that?

I think I know, his house
is in the village, though.

There's a funny old guy,
wants complete privacy.

Supposed to be a famous
doctor or something.

Well, takes all kinds.
[laughs]

Let's go.

Can I ride your back?
I wanna ride on your back.

C'mon.

Bobby? Cindy?

To be continued.

Hey, let's ask this
old guy taking a nap.

Ooh, kids come down
here and drink lime vodka.

I guess he sort of lost his way.

In all that fog this morning,

he couldn't see
the edge of the cliff.

We gotta go.

Come on mister,
you can't sleep here.

[dramatic music]

No Munson.

[doors creak and whir]

Okay, everybody ready
with the big craft project?

- Yeah.
- Uh huh.

Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, oh.

- Alright.
- Oh yes, yes.

Okay and that
craft project was?

To make our very own spaceship

that looks just as good as
the one in today's experiment

out of everyday things
you find around the house.

Exactly, and who
wants to go first?

Oh! Oh!

- I'll go first, I'll go.
- Okay, Gypsy.

You go first, alright
this is yours, boy,

looks like you put a lot of
work into it, what'd you use?

I used a Quaker Oats box,

Uh huh.

- Some of my old earrings.
- Mm-hmm.

A sneaker and some
carpet pieces left over

from when I single-handedly
remodeled my room.

Oh, that is great.

You know what? I'm gonna put
that on the refrigerator.

Oh!

And we have Tom's over here.

Looks like he's got a
Clorox bottle, is it?

Yeah, it's a
spaceship but I suppose

you could use it as a rock salt
scoop or whatever, I dunno.

Doesn't sound like
you're too into it, Tom.

Okay, draw two nose holes
on it, it's a piggy bank.

Oh Crow T. Robot,
would you look at this?

Wow.

This is exemplary, Crow.

It's a scale model of
the Satellite of Love

and it is fantastic,
how did you do it, Crow?

String, toothpicks, eggshells
and baking powder paste.

I'm gonna put lighter fluid on
it and burn it in the driveway.

Well, it just goes to
show you that you can make

a spaceship model
out of anything.

Here's mine right here.

[Tom and Crow scoffing]

[laughing] Look at
that piece of crap!

What'd you use here, a
bowling pin, lacrosse helmet,

some Tupperware panels, I--

Wait a minute.

[coughing]

- Commercial sign.
- Oh.

- Commercial sign.
- Oh yeah,

commercial sign.

[robots laughing and talking]

["Love Theme from MST3K"]

[men talking]

[robots whistling]
Whew, that was close.

They all sent in "Northern
Exposure" spec scripts.

That Munson's record is as
clean as mine, maybe cleaner.

All three of them were
excellent security risks.

It's a familiar pattern,

top scientist engaged in
top level research work,

suddenly walks off with
valuable data and materials.

[Tom, Joel, And
Crow] Hugh Beaumont!

But why?

Who's behind all this?

Well, at least we know
it's not the Russians.

They already have the technology

to produce the same material.

An Irving Thalberg award.

- I know it's a long shot,
- Hmm.

But I'm beginning to
suspect red China's our heavy.

The closest these have
ever been to anything Chinese

is the local chop suey house.

[Crow laughing]

Shut up!

Then who?

We've got to come up
with something and quick,

Washington's breathing
down my neck.

The question is,

which one of these
is gonna be next?

Take your pick, they're
all above suspicion.

I've had them under
surveillance for over a month.

Oh, here's one

I wouldn't mind having
under surveillance.

That's my daughter,
you bastard.

Dr. Lynn Young.

- Yum yum.
- Clinical research

division of Pacific
Laboratories.

Oh, she's top drawer.

She's here from Taiwan, as a
special favor to the nationals.

[buzzer ringing]

Yeah, what is it now?

Miss Wilson is here

with the reports
from the crime lab.

- Ann or Nancy?
- Send her in.

Our troubles are over.

Gale Wilson, number one
undercover girl is on the case.

It's Mary Kay Ash.

You have an eye for talent,
Mr. Martin...

- ...but that's about all.
- Jamming our radar.

You're way off
track in this case.

That's what I love
about your dear,

your respect for your superiors.

Alright, Gale, what'd you get?

Adenoids.

It seems Dr.
Munson did not die

from a fall over the cliff.

Are you serious?

With that hairdo?

Here's the coroner's report.

The corn's report?

First he was shot
then he wasn't shot.

[audience groaning]

Only he wasn't killed, I
suppose now we'll discover

he died from an overdose
of sleeping pills.

No, he was electrocuted.

D'oh!

Electrocuted?

Now look here, don't
you play games with me,

I'll have you transferred
back to Washington, Miss Hart?

On the level,
see for yourself.

Dr. Munson was dead
at least 12 hours

before they found
him in the canyon.

Look could we
please just not fight?

- Found my house on here.
- Alright, Glenn

Bite me.

Suppose you tell me how a man

who's been dead
for several hours

can drive a car up a
mountain road, get out,

and jump over a cliff?

He's Jesus?

He was murdered,
driven there by somebody,

and thrown over the cliff.

What a wonderful deduction!

Thank you.

You Mr. Cole or Mr. Martin?

Cole.

You should have
been a detective.

D'oh!

[Tom mimicking rimshot]

Well I suppose we'll
discover the man who was shot

by the guard at the research
lab was Dr. Munson's

non-existent twin brother.

I'm kidding, of course.

See what the
research department has

on the Dornheimer estate.

It's a mansion on
the Palisades here.

Professor Dornheimer?

Who's he?

A famous physicist.

Your Prozac, sir.

He used to be on
the space agency

advisory board until recently.

Now he's retired.

He acts as a
sort of a consultant

to the younger generation.

If a genius has a problem, he
goes to see the old professor.

I'm checking out.

He'd know all the leading
scientists personally.

Probably.
Why, what's on your mind?

Well you just said it,
when a genius has a problem,

he goes to see
the old professor.

Hey, what about
our luncheon date?

It is now a dinner date.

I already have a dinner date.

Break it.

Geez, what a dickweed.

That's what I love about him.

He's so modest, so considerate,

and so sure of himself.

And so sure of you.

Prozac?

Guests of the
Human Duplicators

stay at the Airport
Inn on the BeltLine.

[ominous music]

What's this?

Donald O'Connor?

Driving Miss Daisy?

I want you to follow
Mr. Rockford

and see to it that he has
a serious accident

that will take him off the case.
Permanently.

[Servo and Crow humming
"The Rockford Files" theme]

[Servo mimics brakes squealing]

♪ Mustang moves, Mustang grooves

♪ Oh Mustang, Mustang '68

[Joel and robots singing]

[Tom gasping]

He's driving to
Norma Desmond's house.

[dramatic orchestral music]

Hey, quit trilling out here.

It's kind of stuffy out
here in the garden today, and...

Knew your father, I did.

[ominous music]

Lisa.

You have promised you are
not to enter the laboratory.

But I have to go really bad.

I want to know what's
going on down there.

I have told you.

We are conducting
important experiments.

They are secret in nature.

But why is everyone
so different?

- Thor, the lab assistants,
- A little.

even Uncle seems strange.

You're only
imagining these things.

I am not.

Are too.

Since you came here,
everything has been different.

Even my clothing.

I'm not allowed to
leave the estate,

I can't speak to visitors.

Why, Kolos?

Why does everyone
take orders from you?

Lisa, you must not defy me.

[ominous music]

I bet he doubles as a couch.

[bell chiming]

Oh, it's Efrem
Zimbalist Junior, Junior.

Hi, are you familiar
with Greenpeace?

Can I help you sir?

Were you on
"Mission Impossible?"

Yes, I'd like to see
Professor Dornheimer.

[Tom laughing]

Glenn Martin of View Magazine.

We'd like to do a
feature article on him.

I will give the
professor your message.

Please wait in here, sir.

Thank you.

[ominous music]

Marilyn, you got another date!

Hmm, nice, uh, stuff.

Gosh, looks kinda like
my parents' living room.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Geez, I hate cold calling.

Them.

Little girl?

Little girl, do you
always hide from guests?

When they're as
unappealing as you, I do.

I'm not a little girl.

Oh, I should say
not, excuse me,

I should have said Terpsichore.

I should have said
[garbling words]

- Were you rehearsing?
- Yes.

I'm trying out
for "Ice Castles."

Are you a friend
of my uncle?

If you mean Professor
Dornheimer, no,

[audience laughing]

I'm an admirer.

Of fine silk products.

Oh, I, uh, I believe
that's your scarf.

I'm sick of picking up

- your things, darling.
- Thank you.

Mister?

Martin.

Glenn Martin.

Glen Ross.

Mr. Martin, [Tom
talking over Lisa]

I can't tell you anymore but--

[door opens]

Mr. Martin?

Vince Lombardi!

Forgot my pants!

Hobson's choice. [laughing]

Professor Dornheimer.

This is my hand.

This is an honor for me.

There it is and still, ah.

[robots mimicking buzzer]

There's no need to
be formal, Mr. Martin.

Please, take off your pants.

I am a simple man.

You wish to do some
kind of paper, I believe?

Yes, a feature article.

I'd like to give
the public a view

into the... into the daily life
of a great scientist.

As you have already seen,

[Tom gasping]

my life is not the dull routine

the general public
might imagine.

No, your niece is lovely.

What the hell is
that supposed to mean?

Not perfect.

["Love Theme from MST3K"]

What is it that you wanted to
know about me, Mr. Martin?

Do you like to wear mittens?

I understand that
you often give advice

to some of our
leading scientists.

I try to give help.

But look at me!

Knowledge should be available

to those who know
how to use it.

Are they speaking in code?

Then your experience is not
available to all scientists?

Certainly not.

I deny them my essence.

Knowledge, especially
advanced knowledge,

should be entrusted to a
select few superior minds.

Oh, I see.

Philosophy like that could
make a pretty wide gap

in human understanding, we'd
end up with a civilization

of extremes, the few
who have everything,

the rest who have nothing.

Sounds like the
Reagan-Bush years.

Each of us has his own
philosophy, Mr. Martin,

I like pancakes.

as long as he is able
to think for himself.

Yes, well that's true.

Any more booze over here?

[snoring]

I understand that you knew
Doctors Danziger and LaSatier.

Is that right?

What about Estelle Getty?

Oh. [clears throat]

Yes of course.

Why do you ask?

Were they members of your
so-called select group?

I oughta kick
your so-called butt.

Or would that be called
"confidential informstion"?

Give me my drink back.

It might be considered that.

Ah, my other niece.

Dr. Kolos wishes
to speak to you.

Thank you, Thor.

Will you excuse me for a
few moments, Mr. Martin?

Certainly.

Okay if I play bumper pool?

I guess not, huh?

Alone with the booze, ha ha!

How 'bout a little
harp solo, huh?

Who do you think
decorated here, Miss Kitty?

Somebody's tipping
the light fantastic.

It's Marty Feldman!

Hey, where'd
he, what the heck,

oh, oh there he is.

[dramatic music]

This man, a
tyrannical dictator

is in love with this man
who is love with this man

who is played by Peter Lupus.

Uh oh. [clears
throat and whistles]

Nothing, nothing, lampshade,

oh, do you have any olives?

Looking for olives,
couldn't find any olives.

Professor Dornheimer
sends his apologies.

He suggested you
call at a later date.

Oh, let's belly bump, come on.

Right here.

Thank the professor
for the drink.

Oh, that's a fentoozler, you
get to keep the glass.

Oh, geez, come
here to do a story,

all I get is a cheap draw
scotch, probably Cutty.

It's a very Brady Renaissance.

[dramatic music]

Well, on the other hand,
I did get a free drink.

Ah, I'll come back tomorrow,
see if they remember me.

[Tom singing to self]

Hey, what the hey,

how do you work an
automatic, anyway?

[dramatic music]

What's this?

Dewlap man following our hero?

I gotta coast down the
driveway to get it started.

[mimicking sputtering car]

Ooooh!

Ow!

[phone ringing]

Oh, your dog's ringing.

Oh, it's the phone.

Well it's about time.

Where are you?

I'm on a sound stage.

A cozy little hideaway.
Wish you were here.

Glenn, how'd
the conference go?

I'd say the corporation
is on shaky ground.

What did the research department
turn up on our friend?

Oh, he's considered a
good citizen and all that.

[laughing] You
should hear his ideas

about all men being equal.

Well, he's supposed to
be a little eccentric.

And in scientific circles,
his books are considered--

He's calling from the "I
Dream of Jeannie" credits.

About our dinner date,

Are you asking me?

[robots yelling]
Or are you telling me?

Anything you like,

as long as it's the
Villa at eight.

You devil, you know
how I love that place.

How could I refuse?

I didn't expect you to.

Oh and Gale, on your
way, pass by the library

and get me copies
of Mr. D's books.

See you at eight.

[laughing]

Zinged her.

[sudden dramatic music]

What's this?

- Okay.
- Henry Sil--

Oh, oh, sorry.

[exciting music]

America.
Building cities, drinking booze.

Say.

Say!

Large club?

♪ We serve fun at
Shakey's, also pizza

Another bottle, Mr. Martin?

What are you, nuts?

No thanks, Gino, just
the check, please.

Yes, sir.

Uhh, I gotta go
into the bathroom

and get the gun
out of the toilet.

Remember me?

I'm the girl you took to dinner.

I'm sorry.

You changed your hair.

I was someplace else.

You look like
you've got troubles.

Come on, let's talk about them.

What do you call this?

Gale, there's something
weird going on out there,

but I--
I can't put my finger on it.

Well if you don't
know what it is,

don't put your finger on it!

- Zing.
- Well I could

at the library.

It seems the science students in
this town really dig Mr. D.

Hey, Mr. D.

Best regards, bit part.

There you go, thank you Gino.

Thank you sir.

Come on, let's
do some research.

Tonight?

[Tom laughing]
Tonight.

Oh, I thought we'd--

Heads we do, tails we don't.

It's an Etruscan penny.

Luck be a lady tonight, oh.

Come on, we need the chair.

[upbeat music]

[Crow singing to music]

♪ Please mister,
please, don't play C17

I hate that I know that.

Jim Henson's Jack
Palance Babies.

Ah, Phil Harris
and Bubbles Rothermere

in the background, for
those playing along at home.

You guys think that
Phil Harris drank?

No.

- No?
- Uh, I don't know.

Look, why don't you
just do it in the bus tub,

for crying out loud?

Now, right now.

I crap bigger than them.

Visit Syria?

[robots singing upbeat tune]

Hey Bob, is this
raw bacon for me?

That's a Pedro Almodovar film.

He's doing a translation
of the Kama Sutra.

Glenn?

[Crow mocking Gale's voice]

One thing I don't understand,

If Professor Dornheimer's the
mastermind of these robberies,

what is he doing
with the materials?

You think he's
shipping them abroad?

Why do I sound
like Polly Holiday?

Glenn, I'm talking to you.

Yeah, I thought so.

Well, say something.

Something.

Something.

D'oh!

- D'oh.
- Sometimes I wonder

what I see in you.

Got riff back on that.

[Glenn talking]

Me.

Gale, what do you know
about cybernetics?

Cyber who?

Cybernetics.

It's the study of
calculators and computers,

all kinds of mechanical
devices to control automation.

Mechanical brains.

So, cybernetics?

So, Dornheimer is the
chief exponent in the field.

He's the father of
the thinking machine.

Come on, jump
over the couch now.

That's the trouble today.

It's getting to the
point where people

hardly have a chance
to think for themselves.

Could you not talk?

I don't get the connection.

Please?

You just said it.

I did?

Yeah, listen to
what Dornheimer says.

"And there's every reason
to believe that in time

"man will devise a method
whereby

"a mechanical brain system

"will be linked electronically
with a human nervous system

thereby creating a totally
independent thinking machine."

That'd be me, pretty much.

"Once this phase
has been accomplished,

"it will only be a short
step to the creation

of the ultimate in
mechanical devices,"

Me.

- "The android."
- No, me.

- No, me.
- Me.

- An android?
- Me.

Me.

What's an android?

An android dear, is a robot,

like a mechanical man.

Like my acting.

Except with one
important difference.

An android would look
exactly like a human being.

Except for the huge
bolts in the neck.

An android that looks
like a human being?

Like you or me?

Or Wells, or...
or Dr. Munson.

Oh, that's the wildest
thing I ever heard of.

Let's drink, then love.

Glenn, you don't believe
that's possible, do you?

Excuse me, I'm gonna go
toss myself out the window here.

Glenn?

[Tom mimicking glass breaking]

You don't believe that
Professor Dornheimer

has actually done this, do you?

Gale, all through
history there have been men

with minds like Dornheimer's.

Like Dornheimer died?

Men like that can go as far
as their minds can reach.

Anything they can see

I can see better.

[Tom laughing]

So, why not androids?

["Love Theme from MST3K"]

Oh, this is beautiful.

That's me, and hey, that's me,

and look over there,
there I am! [laughing]

You know, there's a
whole lot of me in here,

truckloads of me
and more on the way.

Hi Tom.
Well, hello there Tom,

you're looking
pretty dapper today.

Oh, he's looking sickly.

Well you're gonna get that,
lose two or three a day,

it's just part of the business,
you can't get too attached.

That's why it's
evil to duplicate,

everyone's an individual and
that's why it's a sacrilege

to think that you have
the right to... oh my God!

Easy fellas, easy, it's okay.

Hi guys, guess what?

Tom, what have you done?

Oh!

Just playing God, it's
going pretty well. [laughing]

Tom, you made dozens
and dozens of yourself,

I don't think that's right.

You know, you brought
up some very serious

psycho-moral
issues here, buster.

Frankly, I don't
see a problem, Joel.

I've just surrounded myself
with an endless horde

of mindless disciples ready
to go forth and do my bidding!

I guess I don't see a downside.

How'd you do it anyway?

Oh, you know, simple prototype,

Japanese management style,
just-in-time stock procedures.

Oh hey, we've got more out
back, where do you want 'em?

Uh, just make sure
they're all signed in.

Roger.

Oh, Tom, listen, this is wrong.

I'm not gonna take care of
'em, I'm not gonna feed 'em,

and keep 'em out of
the kitchen, okay?

[Tom sighing]

Tom, Tom, Tom.

Once again you
really didn't think

this thing through, did ya?

Like you're so cool that
we need more of you.

Oh, cynics, huh?

Alright, Toms, attack!

Tear 'em apart, get 'em!

Rip 'em apart!

Come on, attack, come on,
you're embarrassing me.

[Crow laughing]
Tom.

Joel.

I guess you were right.

It is wrong to play God, I've
certainly learned my lesson.

I know one guy that needs
a time out. [trails off]

[Tom crying]

Well, what a lame thing.

[sighs]

Hey, hi.

You're kind of cute.

Oh, Joel?

[laughing]

Hey, what the, hey cut that out!

[alarm buzzing]

We got movie sign!

[screaming]

[doors creak and whir]

Just don't do it anymore.

I just don't want you--
just stop, okay?

Oh my god, oh it's terrible.

I'm with him.

Well.

Oh great, the
souvenir shop's closed.

Hey, give someone else
a chance at that ball.

Man he's got a real
cute shape on him.

I'm actually kind
of glad it's locked,

I'm pretty tired.

Now I can knock off.

I'm Hans Christian Andersen.

♪ Timothy, Timothy, hungry
as hell no food to eat.

Well here's something

that never happened
in his career.

[mimics drum roll]

Hey, it's got a loft!
Wow!

And torsos? Cool!

- Tony Bennett!
- ♪ I left my head...

Boy, if a fellow happened to be
a human duplicator,

he could have a ball up here!

Now, are these
natural formations?

Sacred miracle cave.

[laughing]

Say, nice gams.

Looks like he broke into
the display at Chess King.

[laughs]

Richard Kiel's got a
butt collection.

Tom Jones!
And Peter Garrett!

What do you know.

Put me down.

Uh, excuse me, do you work here?

Oh, no.

Mark Twain.

No, it's Hal
Holbrook, actually.

Look, no one's going
to tell you you need Clearasil.

Oh, just looking
for the bathroom.

Nothing, nothing. Oh.

Hold me wall, hold me tight.

If you don't move, you're
invisible. Remember that.

Mmm? Hmm.

Just in time, I'm starved.

How come I never get
nurses like that?

Hey, who's playing
that contrabassoon?

Ollie North?

Contra-bassoon.

Where angels go,
trouble follows.

Dom, we'll be back
in an a half an hour,

Mr. Deluise.

Well, back for another load.

You know, for nurses,
they're not very speedy.

That's why they
work in a morgue.

Hey they're hickory
smoking people in here.

Oh, fellow must
have been Jewish,

they buried him in a steam bath.

Zing.

Judy Carne?

I'm up, I'm up.

Too much porcellana.

Too bad, that's
her throwing hand.

[muffled] Hey, I'm in here.

Martin Sheen.

Then he found one
that was just right.

Ew, that guy's ripe.

Ah, I think there's a
pattern developing here.

There's people in these things.

Uh, this one's gone over.

They should label those.

Yeah, you know it's always
the last place you look.

The Doctor will see you now.

Shattered, shattered.

Shadoobie...
Shatter.

Clean up in aisle three.

[laughs]

I'm kidding.

Zing.

Cause...

Well, that was a cool exhibit.
What's next, I wonder.

Tickets please, tickets
please, tickets please.

Well he's a queer duck.

Huh, the Guthrie Lab.

A wall of ginger snap.

It's Malibu Barbie
torture chambers.

Hi I am new Asian Barbie.

That was great pink
lady, we're going

to lay down the
rhythm track now.

Hey, I have no idea
what I'm doing here.

And the phone lines
are going crazy.

Let's take it from the top,
a little more bass this time.

It stinks.

I'm going to take my
lunch break now, excuse me.

Oh, she always takes her break

no matter what--
Doctor.

♪ Oh, dream weaver,
oh, Dennis Weaver.

[laughs]

She's turning
off the gym lights.

Oh, she's cooking up just fine.

It's like Rick Wakeman.

Well, kind of close, I suppose.

Do I really look like that?

Oh come on, Doc, did your
kid make that thing?

I sing the body pathetic.

I think you need more toner.

Hunan duplicator.

Right, cause they're
identical Suzie Wongs.

Yeah cause two
Wongs don't make a--

That's enough.

Oh, don't hit me.

Pardon me, Beth, honk honk.

Well, there's something
you don't see everyday.

What's that Edgar?

Lisa?

It's Glenn Martin.

Mr. Martin, what
are you doing here?

I'm going to be a world
champion blind lady.

These things aren't
for you to see.

It's about time somebody saw
what's going on down there.

No, the Professor
will not permit it.

Listen, Lisa, your uncle's
a murderer, a mad man.

You've got to realize that.

My uncle isn't responsible
for what's happening.

Oh, don't give me that,
I can see what's going on.

Hey, we're trying to
duplicate down here!

The real professor
Dornheimer is locked

up in the lower basement.

How bout the real
Inspector Hound?

That man down there is
only a copy of my uncle.

A twin created by Kolos.

And diet Kolos.

Who is Kolos?

Come on, tell me. Is he in
charge of this operation?

He's team leader or
something like that.

Your touch is
uncomfortable to me.

Please don't, Mr. Martin.

You'll only cause trouble
and my uncle will be killed.

There's going to
be trouble all right

and I don't want you
around when it happens.

Sorry to interrupt, we're
trying to work down here.

My friend, Mr. Martin.

I hadn't expected you
to return so soon.

It's John Shock.

And without calling
for an appointment.

I tried, but I was put on hold

for, like, five minutes, okay?

Alright, you can cut the
histrionics, Dornheimer.

♪ One singular sensation.

That's very interesting.

Am I to believe
that you are here

to stop the show
all by yourself?

You believe whatever you like.

But my opening bit kills.

Now look, Professor,
don't press your luck.

I'll use this if I have to.

Then you better begin.

Now, like now?

Okay, now.

[gunshots]

Oh geez, oh nuts.

Oh, poopy.

He's dressed
like Marilyn McCoo.

Wait, he's mine.

Come on master,
kill, kill, kill.

No, you will not kill.

Enemy, kill, kill.

Faster, pussycat!

Ah, slight design flaw.

There's my watch.

Yes, Mr. Martin. Androids.

Not very good androids, but...

The work force of tomorrow.

You mean slaves and
killers, don't you?

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Or maybe-- maybe warriors
would be a better term.

Great, can I use that?

Whatever best serves
our purpose, Mr. Martin.

We're not arguing
semantics here.

We built them.

If we need an army,
we shall have one.

Uh, probably won't need
one, uh, but you never know.

We simply duplicate
him and program his brain

to serve our cause.

If we should decide that we
can benefit from the services

of a secret agent,
do you know what we would do?

We'd deep fry it.

It's pretty obvious, isn't it?

Yes, Mr. Martin.

We would duplicate him.

And you can be in
on the ground floor.

Well, okay, but don't
duplicate my butt.

This will be
your final mistake.

That is a matter of opinion.

Fortunately, opinions
can be changed.

As you will see.

By reading the op-ed page.

Should we remove
the original Dr. Young

to a refrigeration chamber?

No, we may need another
duplication of Dr. Young.

Yeah, we've really been
tearing through those guys.

We will prepare
a cell for her.

Good, then prepare

the duplication
chamber for Mr. Martin.

Gen sun.

Make sure it's
clean this time, too.

Oh my, you do feel warm.

It is a simple choice
between pain and relief.

Is it safe?

Where's the enigmatic
little smile now, mister?

Oh, it's so natural, people
think I've lost weight.

Audio tubes.

Audio tubes.

If I had half a
brain, I'd-- oh...

Audio tubes.

Tube power must be McIntosh.

Memory cells.

Memory cells.

Bic pen, giant
eraser from Florida,

some Mike and Ikes.

Memory cells.

Regrets, shortcoming,
personality flaws.

Photoelectric stem.

Huh?

Oh, that must have been
her point of view.

No.

- Photoelectric cells.
- Photoelectric cells.

Ho Hos, cupcakes, Ding Dongs.

Speak to me, fudge wall.

Optical transceivers.

Already a nurse standard.

I now pronounce
you Allen & Rossi.

And now, Mr. Martin,
the final phase

of my unique operation.

Your hair.

The duplication of
your mental powers.

Every fragment of
knowledge you possess

will be transmitted to
your twin's mechanical brain

and, in addition, a considerable
amount of information

you do not possess.

Like how to do color analysis.

- Glenn Martin...
- Bill Bixby.

MIA,
now works for us.

Welcome aboard, son.

He has an assignment.

Math?

An important assignment.

[hocks spit]

So there.

You can pay the
receptionist as you leave.

Oh, did you see
Madonna's book?

Oh, I can't believe it.
It was so...

Uh, can I have a magazine
over here?

♪ I just closed my eyes again...

[in robotic voice] If you don't
look good, we don't look good.

Here at DeVry...

Here at DeVry...

There's a big future
in computer perms.

Wherever Doug and Tony are now,
at least they're together.

He's got crazy straws
on his head!

He just took a hit off
his own hair.

But the man who took Dristan
is breathing freely.

♪ Well, what a lucky man
he was

[imitating synthesizer sounds]

Oh, they must be doing
aromatherapy.

Okay, roll over.

[phone ringing]

This is Welles.

The boys did what?

They duplicated Lumpy?

Pacific Laboratories, when?

Yes, June, I'm still at work,

trying to put food on our
table, you ungrateful...

If you get any lead
on it, let me know.

I'll get started down here.

Look, he's got
Desiderata on the wall.

Chemistry lab this time.

Last night, someone drove
off with a truckload

of polyethylene materials.

Well, that's a switch.

Jimmy Smits.

Any suspects?

Yeah, that's a switch too.

Jimmy Smits, too.

It's one of
their top chemists.

She was known to be
there late last night,

known to be in the supply rooms,

and she's vanished
without a trace.

Where is Martin?

He should have checked
in hours ago.

What up?

I'm worried about him,
Austin, maybe he's in trouble.

No you don't need
to worry about Martin,

he can take care of himself.

He's probably on to something
and he just can't get

to the telephone.

Oh, don't tell me
you're not worried.

I know you better than that.

She's been wading in mud?

Alright.

Let's have it out.

We don't hear from
him by noon today,

I'll go out to the
Dornheimer estate myself.

This case is developing
into a nightmare.

Ms. Hart, get me the
file on Dr. Lin Young.

Get it yourself.

Well, Martin, where in
blazes have you been?

Haven't you ever heard
of the telephone?

Yes I have heard
of a telephone.

Now, don't get your
ulcers in an uproar.

I have good news.

For modern man.

I'm sure I know where
the next robbery is going

to take place.

Where?

Pacific Laboratories.

That's already
happened, last night.

I just got the report on it.

The Chinese chemist,
Dr. Lin Young, set it up.

Yes, I know and she's vanished
just like the rest of them.

Glenn, how did you
know about this?

Is Professor
Dornheimer behind it?

Dornheimer, of course not.

He's 100 percent in the clear.

He wants to help us and he did.

He fed all the facts
into his calculators

and came up with Pacific
Laboratories and Dr. Lin Young.

Allow me to gesture
like Michael Dukakis.

Who did he say is
backing the operation?

Did he have any
ideas about that?

Yes, but I'll have to
check out a few leads

before I can be sure.

I'll need a reservation on
the 7:30 plane for Washington.

Washington?

You mean you think this
organization has members

in the Capitol?

It might.

That's what I'm
going to find out.

I'll help you get packed.

No.

Don't touch the head.

Don't you want me to
drive you to the airport?

I'll take a cab, I don't
want to be conspicuous.

I'm being followed, you know.

No, I didn't know.

Your touch is
uncomfortable to me.

Glenn, be careful.

What is careful?

Something plastic
about that guy.

Ms. Hart, get Mr.
Martin a reservation

on the 7:30 flight for
Washington tonight.

Austin.

City Limits.

Did you notice something
strange about Glenn?

Well, his pants where
ill-fitting, but I didn't...

Seemed a little more
serious than usual,

but there's nothing wrong
with a man being serious.

I don't mean that.

Yes, yes would
you like me to...

Yes would you like me to

[mimics buzzer]

Yes, did you want something?

Would you please
if you like...

Yeah, hello?

Some of my best
friends are androids.

Well, now that you mention it.

Yes, I'm right here if you...

[mimics buzzer]

Would you please get
your hand off the...

[mimics buzzer]

Where you off to?

See the wizard.

I think it's about time
I did some undercover work.

Oh wow.

Pepper, you're
going undercover.

An android if I saw one.

What in blazes is an android?

Andy Capp, Andrew Dice
Clay, Andrew Lloyd Webber,

Andy Pant, Andy
Stewart, androgynous...

Android.

Resembling a human.

See David Geffen.

Mechanical man.

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

A robot.

You want to make
something of it?

Robot?

Oh, now I got to
look up "robot".

["Love Theme from MST3K"]

I wish to inform the council

that our Earth colony program
is advancing as planned.

Vicky Fleming.

We now have eight
highly skilled dupes

successfully integrated
into the society.

And Sparky Anderson.

This number will increase
rapidly with the addition

of an important new dupe.

Who is this important
android, Kolos?

He's a member of the society's

National Intelligence
Organization.

He's in a prime position
to procure large quantities

of materials necessary
to our prototypes.

You mean pens?

And what of the original?

Has he been destroyed?

Uh, no.

I request that
he be preserved

until the twin completes
his first assignment.

We may find it advantageous
to produce several

of these agents.

As in the case of
Professor Dornheimer,

this type of android is
extremely sophisticated.

He likes Noeël
Coward and martinis.

The council has
noticed a discrepancy

in your last report.

The records do not indicate that
Professor Dornheimer's ward,

Maybe I can check--

a female, has been duplicated.

I might be able--

What is the status
of this matter?

Well if you let me--

It did not appear necessary
to subject this human being

to duplication.

I think I could...

Look, can I just throw
something in here?

As an android.

But I don't think that...

I chose to keep
her an original.

Agent Kolos,

we do not tolerate such
independent actions.

It is...

Yellow man.

That human beings
can not be trusted.

You will duplicate the
young girl at once.

But to think like the human,

to be the human.

Yeah, I'll do that, all right.

God, what a dork.

I warned you, Kolos, the
galaxy beings are correct.

A human being is a creature
of many complex emotions.

Even a child can bring
about our destruction.

A child.

Lisa can cause us no harm.

We cannot take this risk.

I will bring her here at once.

No, I am the master here.

We will do as I command.

If you interfere, Professor,
I will destroy you.

Oh great, now I have
that to live with.

Oh, just go pout now.

Uh, don't look at my butt.

And- and keep lunch to an hour,
too.

Now this is why I bought
the place.

You know, you don't often

find a full
dungeon in Southern California.

No, you usually get kind of like
a half-dungeon, is all.

It's Mrs. Soffel.
And there's Mel Gibson.

Well, what do you know.

Mr. Martin.

Uh, oh, me. I thought you
were talking to someone else.

- Boom shadow.
- Terpsichore.

Quit calling me that.

Imagine meeting you down here
in Hades.

How's my uncle?

He's still alive, Lisa, but I...

He's starting to look like, uh,
The Skipper.

I think.

He needs medical attention
badly.

No duh!

They're watching every move
I make.

If Kolos knew I was down here,
he'd have us all killed.

I just don't know
what to do.

I do, but I have to get
out of here to do it.

And, unfortunately, I've lost
my good luck charm.

And my will to live.

It'll take more than a charm
to break these bars.

Boy, you ain't a-kidding.

You don't know the magic powers
of my lucky coin.

Coin?

I found a coin

on the stairway landing
in the laboratory.

- Must be yours.
- Honey, I love you!

Oh, I've used it in the dryer
doing my wash.

Do you think that you could
get back down here again

without being seen?

I could for a dollar.

They don't know about
the secret passage.

It's so secret,
even I don't know.

Get that coin for me and
come back as soon as you can.

I don't understand how--

Look, please, just try
and get it, Lisa.

I'll explain to you later.

I'm going out
with the girls tonight.

Can we do it tomorrow?

- Please be careful.
- I will.

Oh, and could I get some
toast or something?

Oh, and a magazine?
Maybe, like, "People"?

It's the "Planet Of The Apes"
room at Fanta Suites.

Man, I'm really grasping
at straws, here.

Terps wowery.

It's Delta.

- He who smelt-a, Delt-a.
- D'oh!

Hey, look, guys.

Now we're gonna find out who
Deep Throat really is!

I bet it's Hal Holbrook.

Yeah, they'll never
spot a red convertible

with a hot blonde.

[hums along with soundtrack]

Koyaanisqatsi.

Next exit, gas, food,
lodging, and murder.

♪ Oh I'm the friendly
stranger in the black sedan.

♪ Won't you hop inside my car?

Oh, get this, it can
drive right in here

but you can't get into
a post office after four

in the afternoon.
[laughs]

This isn't exactly
Bullitt, is it?

Candy-O, I need you so.

He's a great guy, even
though he is our enemy.

Oh geez, I've got my
pajamas on under this.

I was just gonna pick him up

but no, I gotta go
in and get him.

Look, mister, I
own the government,

I pay your salary.

And when I say there was
no cannibalism in the Navy,

I mean there was some.

She seemed alright.

Hey, if it's marked Top
Secret, please don't look at it.

So anyway, that's
when I got into stamps.

Ted, Ted?

Lost him.

[dramatic classical music]

Hey, look, room 22, oh.

Gary?

I know you don't want
to go out with me

but can I at least
have an explanation?

Gary?

Gary.

Gary.

Glenn, what are you doing?

I'm sink washing my Roscoe.

Hey.

She's a great detective.

Look, I was kidding.

[screaming]

Oh, hey, look, I got one.

A keeper.

[she screams]

[tense classical music]

Which one's the duplicator

and which one's the duplicatee?

Oh, for crying, they
can't even afford

to throw a guy through
a window in this movie.

Oh, he had a Chia head.

I didn't break
it, it just fell.

Lets go.

Hey look, fresh from Kent State.

There she is, over there.

You know, for all
the security they have,

it sure was easy getting in.

[doors creak and whir]

Joel, this movie's really great

and it's really good to see
Richard Kiel spread his wings

as an actor but what's the
deal with Hugh Beaumont?

Yeah, I know he
seems kind of crabby.

Yeah, I know you hate to
say it about the sweet ol' guy

but he's really kind of a jerk.

[all shout]

We've been hit, quick Cambot,
give me rocket number nine.

[door bell rings]

Somebody's trying
to make contact.

Give me the hex view viewscreen.

Hugh Beaumont?

Don't Hugh Beaumont me, I
heard what you were saying

about me you backstabbing
little busybodies.

Hey, last time I saw you,
you were pulling that horseman

of the apocalypse gig.

What happened?

It was too many
miles on the spaceship.

I was always eating
at greasy truckstop...

[grunts]

Well, what do you do now?

What are you
writing a book, huh?

Making a documentary, huh?

Sarah, send in some
coffee, lots of it

and give me some aspirin
and some ibuprofen.

Well, you probably have
a nice job in insurance

or something, huh?

Why are you so interested
in my affairs, Mr. T Robot?

I think we better
change the subject.

So, Hugh, how's Beaver,
you see him much anymore?

Beaver, how's Beaver.

How's Hugh? Why don't
you ask that, huh?

Nobody ever asks how Hugh is.

With me, it's always
work, work, work

and everybody takes
it for granted.

When I get home there's
still more questions.

Dad, I got caught in
a giant coffee cup,

will you help me?

Dad, I don't get girls.

You're never going to get girls,
you freckled little dumpling,

don't you get it?

You're always underfoot.

I never get any time
with my wife

and even if I do, does
she greet me at the door

wearing saran wrap
and stiletto heels?

No, she's in a pink frilly
dress with a warm pie

in her hands.

What good does that do me?

Well, look I got to get going.

It's be nice
talking to you kids.

You kids remember to
listen to your parents.

It's just possible
they might know

what they're talking about.

Always knew he was gonna blow.

But still a sweet guy.

Yeah.

[all sigh]

["Love Theme from MST3K"]

Huh, think he needs
a vacation, maybe.

[gunshots]

Used to be a
restaurant they converted

into a warehouse.

[Servo laughs]

I'm getting his Rolex.

[laughs]

Alright, soldier
hit that switch.

Got it.

Hey, it's a really
good ball joint.

They've disarmed him.

I went out on a limb.

Oh yeah, we're supposed
to be chasing him.

Yeah, keep the arm.

Thanks a lot.

Uh, lights.

It's "The World
According to Garp".

Oh, no.

Dickweed!

Well, leave a note,
at least a finger.

Okay, all in?

Seat belts, people, space
cushion, blind spot,

let's move out.

[all scream]

Nice coronet, huh?

I mean the car.

You know, I can't hold
back in a Whitman's sampler.

Pretty.

I could probably
duplicate that.

Probably some money there.

I could duplicate this mirror

but it would be a lot
cheaper just to buy one.

Let's see.

You know, he gets so
introspective

during the holidays.

Yes.

No pretty noise there.

Heads I win.

Is someone in
here duplicating?

Kolos, why are you here
in my room?

It's my room, too.

I wish to talk with you, Lisa.

Alright, it's been a long day.

What is it?

About what, Kolos?

You know, stuff.

My superiors have advised
me that it's a mistake

to allow you your freedom.

They have warned me
you cannot be trusted.

On the Cities, 97.

You believe that?

I do not know.

Would you betray me, Lisa?

I'm so flattered
you would ask.

You must trust in
me as I do in you.

Professor Dornheimer
has also warned me.

Everybody's on my case.

That you be
duplicated immediately.

The twin professor does
only as he is ordered by you.

You're his master.

Yes, that is true.

Look, this is going nowhere.

But I am not my own.

You're real deep, Richard.

Knee him, knee
him in the head.

What I have done here on
your planet is not my choice.

That's not me, I'm up here.

Can you believe it now?

I can if you ask me to.

I must do these things.

That's what Waldheim said.

I am ordered to do them.

I'd rather press flowers.

I will be destroyed.

Okay, your point?

This place you come from, Kolos,

are the people there
like we here on Earth?

No, they are different.

They're tallish.

They are superior in
mind and technology.

But not in face.

They are the
masters of the galaxy.

They are my masters.

I understand.

Is that felt?

It is now.

I love that joke.

Here's you dolly,
pretty dolly.

Dress it up in pretty clothes.

I am so awkward
in these situations.

[mimic gears whirring]

So am I gonna get
duplicated or what?

What's the plan?

I can sense he
has a nice butt.

[Servo singing upbeat tune]

So, does he sleep on the couch,
or in a guest room, or what?

- He is a couch.
- Oh, yeah.

Hello... hello... hello...
[all together] Hello!

Attorney General
William French Smith.

- Then Lisa.
- Pass it on.

That coat hugs him nicely.

- Mmmmm.
- Good fit. Tailored.

[mimicking duck quacking]

A woman walks down the stairs,

past a huge Daredevle lure.

She approaches and passes a
suit of armor.

She pauses,

and then keeps walking.

What is this, a slow-motion
drawing-room comedy?

It's Lisa.

I know it's Lisa. It's
so strange that you'd think

I wouldn't know it was Lisa.

You don't wear
that kind of wardrobe.

You put your wardrobe
in that kind of wardrobe.

It's the Android Sisters!
[laughs]

It's true, it's true!

Hello? Hello?

Well, so much for the
"secret passage".

Oh you can tell
he's in the theater,

he doesn't mind changing
in front of people.

Kolos, do not
contact the superiors.

Okay, I'll rise.

You dare give me
orders, Professor?

It is I who give the orders.

I am your master.

No longer, Kolos.

I am master now.

There is no place for
the weak in our colony.

He's being attacked
by the Jordanaires.

Come on you
guys, don't tickle.

[laughs]

Kids.

Um, can I get anyone anything?

Oh, where'd she go?

It's Barbie and Barbie in a
role that will surprise you.

I think it's Bosom Buddies.

Looks like Tom Hanks.

You know, this is
so cool down here.

And the sailor said
Brandy you're a fine girl,

what a good...
Huh?

Lisa, over here.

Steve, I forget
what you wanted.

Good girl.

Condescension Man.

Look, this may
take a little time

so you better get back up there

before they miss you.

I can't. Something's happened.

The Professor--

And Mary Ann.

The other one and the twin
Thors have attacked Kolos.

Well, thanks for
watching my soap for me.

In our favor.

What will they do to Kolos?

Tiger Balm?

It will be too good for him.

Somebody's coming.

Act natural.

[whistles]

Oh, hi.

Twin powered nurses.

You must come with
us to the lab, Lisa.

Is the water
warm enough, Lisa?

Kolos has ordered us.

He has sent us for you.

I don't believe that.

You will.

[screaming]

Stay alive. Whatever
may occur, I will find you!

Mr. Martin!

Please, it's Steve.

Huh. Takes all kinds, I guess.
Well.

[humming]

He's flossing the bars?

These bars are gonna
have the best check up

they've ever had.

♪ Oh, the yellow rose
of Texas, the only girl

♪ for me.

You and your galaxy masters,

you programmed me with
too much knowledge.

You allowed my mechanical
brain to cross over the barrier

that separates the
android from the human.

The power of
independent thought.

You and your masters have
violated the basic rule.

This is so bogus.

The scientific law.

You must never program
a mechanical device

with more wisdom than
you yourself possess.

You know, there's a lesson
to be learned here guys.

You must never create a
robot that can outsmart you.

Too late, Joel.

In a perfect android
society, there is no room--

Is this a filibuster?

Sounds like it.

We have no feelings.

We're Republicans.

We are superior in every way.

Expect for your ties.

The master race.

We've heard that one before.

Wow, it's Blaze and Lace
of American Gladiators.

Not that I watch it.

No, I'm not gonna dance
in this thing.

["Love Theme from MST3K"]

Three weeks later.

Man, I'm working
up a Rondo thirst.

Just hold on, Professor.

Hey gramps, how
'bout taking your turn

at the bar, huh?

You can't fight them alone.

I must help you.

Please, just try to rest
and save your strength.

Not too weak to talk.

I'm sorry, what
were you saying?

The androids are
composed of a network of...

Ones and zeros.

...electrical equipment.

Some of it extremely delicate.

Oh that makes sense.

Guards, guards!

You must upset that balance

and cause an
electrical breakdown.

The pulse laser
beam is the answer.

Listen, Mr. Martin.

Please, it's Steve.

You must concentrate the
beam on the android's head.

Listen, I don't
have to do anything.

A mental...

Dying is easy.

Comedy is hard.

If you can manage it.

Uh, I-- I missed
everything you said

after "could you
come over here."

You'll outmatch them.

[coughing]

A little phlegmy.

It's croupy here.

I'll manage, Professor.

I got duplicated and I'm
not lying around, geez.

[tense classical music]

[screaming]

No, higher. Back of the throat.

Uh, these stupid chains.

The following June...

Well, still not big enough.

Don't wait up for me, old man.

Uh, two overhead misses.

[mimics spy music]

[mimics spy music]

Uh, this really
bulks up my pecs.

Hey!

Go get him.

Get him!

Man, you guys are getting
into this, aren't ya?

Well, you know.

Stay away from
him, you bitches.

Uh, camera two,
clear the shot please.

[laughs]

Spotlight dance, Richard Kiel.

[all hum]

Doesn't do much but it
sure lights the place, huh?

These guys are little,
but they'll crawl ya.

They're getting board.

Wait, Otto
Preminger's getting away.

Timber!

[dramatic classical music]

Wait a minute, they're
fighting each other

all of a sudden.

I don't get this.

I think it's the
end of the movie.

Oh.

No, stop, you're killing me.

[laughs]

This is weird.

These progressive
dance clubs are getting

out of hand.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, ooh.

Ow!

I am so ashamed.

Oh, lost my head over that one.

Dog pile on me, yay.

Just got to run to the
biffy, be right back.

Not an android, just
walking, calmly walking.

I've been spending
all movie inside

and it's beautiful out here.

Damn, mom's here.

[humming "Axel F"]

I'm Howard Kiel, no
relation to Richard Kiel.

[dramatic classical music]

Finally, we meet
in the living room.

Don't try it,
they're decorative.

Be your last.

Your threats do not alarm me.

Okay they do.

You forget, I know no fear.

Androids have no
emotions, Martin.

Look what happened.

Hey, wipe my feet.

Professor Dornheimer, I
was not correctly programmed.

No duplicate of mine
is going to say that.

I must see the master.

I am the master here.

Do as I command you.

Not as I do.

Destroy this human being.

[dramatic classical music]

That is my twin.

We are not humans.

He is our enemy.

Kill him.

I want this "you"
situation taken care of.

I command you.

I am your master.

No, Kolos is the master.

I obey no other.

You stupid mechanical...

No Dad, not the belt.

Ow, my GI Joe arm. Ow.

The gloves are off, they're
tied up against the boards.

Lou Nanne is running
in to break it up.

Yeah, yeah that's the
spot, right there, yeah.

Hit him in the head,
they've got Hummel heads.

Virginia Grim,
thank God we're saved.

Did we come at a bad time?

Darling.

They died as they lived,
in each others arms.

But for GI Joe and
his fighting force,

there would be another day.

Eww.

Oh no, he's going to take
her to the tower, isn't he?

Did we get everything here?

[mimics thud]

Ow.

Sorry about your
head, I think.

Exit, stage left.

Somebody want to say
something, it's kind

of dragging here.

Someone drop this?

The hell?

Mr. Martin.

Call me Steve.

I was sent here to prepare
you society for conquest

by the masters of the galaxy.

But it didn't really pan out.

I have failed in my mission.

Big time.

I have failed not
because I am weak.

But because you are stronger.

I will leave your planet now.

I must return to a world of cold

and unemotional galaxy beings.

Minnesota?

I will give them my report

and then I will be destroyed

But enough about me.

But it will not matter.
You see, Mr. Martin,

I know now that I,
too, am an android.

Well, I didn't think they
piled human stuff that high.

[somber classical music]

[hocks]

Ah!

Am I Liz Taylor yet?

[humming]

Ew, you snicker-snagged on me.

♪ Oh, sweet mystery of life,
at last I've found you.

Well, I am off to be destroyed.

Transport safely, Dick.

What was that all about?

Well, another
day, another dollar.

You can check out
anytime you like

but you can never leave.

Where'd I park that spaceship?

I was at the airport,
I was in a cab here,

that's all I saw.

I wonder if that tickles?

I bet it does.

Mork calling Olsen,
Mork calling Olsen.

Come in Olsen.

What a weird day.

Ah, ah, ah, ah,

Staying alive, staying alive.

Ah, ah...

Na noo, na noo.

[chuckles]

Finally, finally the end.

[all cheer]

Alright.

[doors creak and whir]

Well I think I liked
her best in the part

of blue shorty with
the matching tights.

Crow, you have
got your taste up--

Alright, enough,
enough you two.

You know, despite all
the really dumb things

in today's movie,

I thought it was really great
that Richard Kiel finally

came out in the
end and confessed

that he was indeed an android.

I mean, it's not like we
didn't know it all along

but just to have to the
moxie to come out and say,

"Hey, this is who I
am, and I'm proud."

It's pretty neat, really.

Yeah, well it was really
just a matter of time

before he had to come out.

Have you seen this week's
issue of Robot Nation?

Aha! You know I always had a
hunch about him.

Yup, look at that,
every one of them.

Tweaky, the girl from Small
Wonder, Robbie the Robot,

Al Gore.

You know, I hear that
having dinner with R2D2

is just like admitting it.

Admitting what?

Joel, Tom and I have
something to tell you.

You two got into my
sewing kit again?

Joel, Joel, Joel, I wish
things were still that simple.

But, well, this is something
I think we've all known

for a long time.

I know we've alluded to it.

A stilted joke here,
a fleeting doubt there,

and yet never have
we actually said,

"Joel, Tom and I..."

Oh for crying out in the beer,

Joel, Crow and I are robots

and we want the world to know.

Well, Tom I knew that.

Now, can we get on
with this letter?

Sure, but Joel, how
did you already know?

Tom, it's more than a
little obvious, alright?

It is?

Let's put this up
on still store there.

This one is from a Kevin Jones

and it's from
Ypsilanti, Michigan.

He says, "Dear Joel, I like
Mystery Science Theater,

I watch your show every
time I get a chance.

I was just watching your show,
it's the one about the ghost

who haunts Tom Stewart,
I just saw him die.

Well, I'll tell you a
little about myself,

I'm 11 years old, my
name is Kevin Jones,

so write back to me, okay?

Sincerely, Kevin Jones.

We certainly will, Kevin

and if you would
like to write to us,

send your letters to the
Mystery Science Theater 3000

information club,
post office box 5325

Hopkins, Minnesota 55343.

You tell him?

He knew.

What up, sirs?

[laughing]

William Conrad is
actually gonna be here.

Like Cannon is
going to show up here.

I'm sure.

[alarm blares]

Frank, it's the big one.

Literally.

After him.

Oh, come on, relax, chief.
He's not gonna get far.

How true, how true.

What say, in honor of the
occasion, I press the button

this week.

It would be an honor.

Thank you, Frank.

[slow instrumental version of
"Love Theme from MST3K"]