Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 6 - Attack of the Giant Leeches - full transcript
Joel and the 'bots feel waterlogged after an episode of the soggy chapter serial, Undersea Kingdom (1936), starring Crash Corrigan. Next, it's more water-on-the-brain fare with Roger Corman's Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959). Meanwhile, Dr. Forrester uses a leech on TV's Frank to cure him of smoking. Joel presents the Instant Adolescent Kit. A thought experiment leads the 'bots to imagine how they'd dress if they were to take over the world. Joel and the 'bots discuss their dreams. The three movie-mockers dress as hillbillies and sing "I'm a Danger to Myself and Others." The threesome ponders the leeches' level of intelligence. Joel reads a letter from a 59-year-old fan.
♫ In the not too distant future
♫ Next Sunday AD
♫ There was a guy named Joel
♫ Not too different from you or me
♫ He worked at Gizmonic Institute
♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuit
♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place
♫ But his bosses didn't like
him so they shot him into space
(engines thrusting)
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst we can find, la la la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ And we'll monitor his mind, la la la
♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end, la la la
♫ Because he used those special parts
♫ To make his robot friends
(mechanical whirring)
♫ If you're wondering
he how eats and breaths
♫ And other science facts, la la la
♫ Then repeat to yourself
it's a just a show
♫ I should really just relax
♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫
- Did I show you guys my magical,
whimsical squirting flower?
- Yes, about a gazillion times!
- Aw, well did I show you my rash?
- No!
(Joel groans)
- Don't do it, please!
- Hi everybody, welcome
to Satellite of Love.
My name's Joel Robinson.
About three weeks ago, I set up
this holo clown sequence
here to cheer up the bots,
but now I can't get it to turn off
and it's getting hard to sleep at night
and I'm tasting metal.
- Help us.
- Hey little girl, would
you like a salted nut roll?
(screams)
- Joel! Joel! Joel!
(screams)
- Why are you yelling?
Shut up, shut up!
You think I like it being
stuck in limbo with you?
No!
Get on your orange and yellow knees
and kiss my clown feet
that I haven't killed you.
- Joel this is getting weird.
You gotta do something!
- I'm working on it.
- [Robotic woman's voice]
Joel, do something.
I hate those clowns,
and I don't even exist.
- That's the one.
- Joel Robinson, don't you do that!
Don't you do that!
- I have to do this!
- Don't you do that!
(all screaming)
- [Robotic woman's voice]
Commercial sign-out.
- Well, let's not do that again.
- No, sir.
- We'll be right back.
(Mystery Seience Theater 3000 theme)
- Clowns are raining down.
Here the scream of the grease paint.
Danger, clown puddles.
- Nice haiku, Tom, very good.
Crow, you're next.
- Oh, the Captain and
Tennille are calling.
- Ah, Robinson, Servo, Mr. T Robot.
Our invention this week is inspired
by today's experiment,
Attack of the Giant Leeches.
In ye olden times, alchemists believed
that leeches served medicinal purposes.
- So do we.
- Yes, we found that the
common fresh water leech
can serve the same purpose
as a nicotine patch,
and being neither food nor drug,
there's no pesky FDA regulation
to impede your progress
and I can experiment at will.
Frank?
- At your service.
- Our subject Frank has been trying
to quit smoking for quite some time.
He's a three pack a day man.
- No I'm not.
- Yes you are, shut up.
Now this leech, we'll call him Patches.
- Gah!
- When applied to the neck and head area,
will suck any desire
to smoke out of Frank.
- No, no, no!
I'm the sum of my vices.
I am my pain, my happiness, my losses,
my love, my struggles,
my hobbies, my Lanta!
I want to live, I want to live!
I want to live and love
and learn and live!
- But this won't hurt a bit.
- Okay.
- There you go.
Now, Patches, I'm
depending on you, you slug.
- Say, this is the most
action I've gotten--
- Frank!
Back to you, Joel.
- Well, sirs, as you
know, puberty is that time
when childhood crosses that
mighty threshold to adulthood.
Kids can't wait for it to start
and grownups can't wait for it to leave.
It's spring time for your body,
and you're about to bloom
into beautiful flora.
But as you know, being an
adolescent is time consuming,
and that's why we came up with this.
The Satellite of Love
Insty Adolescent Kit.
- Yeah, why waste your
teendom in torturous flux
when those funny feelings downstairs
can be taken care of in a jiffy?
Get ready!
You'll have to start showering daily
as sebaceous oil included in the kit
does double duty on your
scalp, face, and under arms.
- And my back too, yuck!
- Yeah, and don't forget
the octaves you'll encompass
when you finally encounter our
minty fresh hormonal spray.
- Hello, Suzy.
Wanna go to the Snow Day's dance with me?
- And that's when your
face turns beet red,
but it's okay 'cause Suzy won't notice
because you'll be covered with pimples.
Yuck!
- You guys just don't understand me.
- That's right, now that you're a teen,
the most innocent remarks
by friends and family
will be construed as personal attacks.
- Oh, what's that supposed to mean?
- Well fortunately, each kit comes
with it's own personal retort cards
with comebacks like,
"You just have no clue."
"Who was in my room?"
and "You guys are so phony."
- Oh, you're not the boss of me.
- Hey but there's more.
Mood pills.
Yes, you'll span the emotional globe
when you experience everything
from mild nausea and persistent dread
to ecstatic feelings of immortality.
- What do you think, I'm
being stupid and stuff?
- All this in one afternoon.
- I don't care any more.
Great but I still don't have my license.
- Listen, Mister, if you don't like it,
you can stay in a hotel down the street.
What do you think, sirs?
- Jerk.
- Very amusing, Joel.
But lets not forget why you're up there.
To watch really bad movies.
And now, a Dr. Clayton
Forester presentation,
Attack of the Giant Leeches.
- Oh, you're doing homework alright.
- Like I'm supposed to care.
- Look at what you did to your mother.
(alarm)
Oh, we got movie sign!
- I don't care!
You're not my father, you know.
- [Joel] Oh yeah?
♫ Behold, submariner.
♫ King of the sea for favor of Atlantis
♫ is a prince of the deep. ♫
- [Tom] Oh look, it's the
Embassy Football All-stars.
They played USC today.
- [All] ♫ Hey, it's the Undersea Kingdom
♫ for you and for me and it's fine. ♫
- [Tom] (sings William Tell overture)
- [Crow] Looks like rush
hour on Spaghetti Junction.
- [Tom] Oh, it's all wirly twirly, ooh!
(dramatic music)
Oh it's Ben Hur, I've seen this before.
- [Joel] Oh.
Hey, hey, you guys!
You know where you're going?
Ah, I thought so.
- [Crow] No, back this way, come on.
- [Tom] Had no clue, did they?
G. Alanman Brewing Company,
La Crosse, Wisconsin.
- [Joel] When in Las
Vegas, visit Excalibur.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Beneath the Ocean Floor.
It's all full of mildew down there.
- [Joel] Let's go gather
around the water cooler.
- [Crow] We are the water cooler.
- [Joel] Oh, I love that one.
- [Tom] Annapolis a day
keeps the doctoris away.
- [Group] ♫ We're walking
really really fast.
♫ We're walking really really fast. ♫
- [Crow] Congratulations,
soldier, go out and kill.
Oh, here, one for you.
Congratulations, go out and kill.
- [Tom] Oh.
- How about it, Doc,
do you think I'll live?
- You look kind of weak and puny,
but I think you'll through.
- [Joel] I'm kidding of course.
You're one of the finest specimens
to ever come through here.
- Thank you sir.
- [Tom] Next.
- Great chap.
I wish we had more like him.
- [Crow] Ah keep your mind on your work.
You're in enough trouble as it is.
- To bad this is his last year.
- He'll make a grand naval officer.
- [Tom] He'll make several of them.
- [Joel] Hey, he's posing
for a Wheaties box.
(screams)
- [Tom] That was close.
(squishing sounds)
- [Crow] I am the God of hellfire!
- [Joel] All these people are dead now.
Isn't that weird?
- [Tom] Think about it.
Oh no. A football game has
broken out, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't know what to make of it.
- [Joel] This makes me lonesome
for my old electric football game.
- [Tom] Aw.
(crowd noises)
- [Crow] It's Good Humor Man Day today.
- [Joel] What are those lab
technicians doing on the field?
- Go to Smith, it's reversed to Morgan...
- [Crow] Oh look.
- Here's the pull back, knocks him down...
- [Tom] Looks like they're
playing in chocolate.
It's the Hershey Bowl.
(squishing sounds)
(crowd cheering)
- [Crow] You know, in the future,
people will pay to see women do this.
- [Tom] Ooh.
- [Joel] Take it back.
My sister does not swim
towards troop ships.
- [Crow] Oh, smooth... (coughs)
Ten hut!
- [Group] ♫ Girl I'd like to
know where you got the notion
♫ Oh I'd like to know
where you got the notion ♫
- [Tom] ♫ I'd like to know
where you got the lotion ♫
Hey!
- I gotta see Lieutenant
Corrigan right away.
- [Soldier] You can't go in
there, it's against orders.
- But I tell ya I gotta see him.
It's important.
- [Joel] I'm his son, he
doesn't know about me yet.
- Even if I let you in, you couldn't talk
with the Lieutenant now, he's busy.
- [Crow] Nice shoes.
- Alright.
- [Crow] (laughs) Little jerk.
- [Joel] Wow, jeepers, hot dog!
- [Crow] And everywhere,
the smell of men enjoying themselves.
(sniffs)
Oh, oh!
(coughs)
- [Joel] Uh-oh.
- [Crow] Oh, I'll show them.
I'm gonna jump off.
- [Tom] No, don't do it!
- [Joel] And now, back
to man with little pants.
(grunts)
- [Joel] ♫ Oh she came in
though the bathroom window. ♫
(grunts)
- [Crow] Uh-oh, he's having an episode.
- Good work, Jimmy!
- [Tom] Jimmy Smits.
- Don't let him throw ya.
- [Joel] Give him a wedgie!
- [Tom] Purple Herman, woo, wet willy!
- [Crow] It was.
(grunts)
Let's go down the slide like this, wee!
- Hold him!
- [Tom] You know there's
something sick about this, guys.
- [Joel] Yeah, I call it history, Tom.
- [Crow] Victory at sea.
- Now you got him, Crash.
Give him the airplane stand.
- [Joel] Good idea, kid!
Why didn't I think of that?
(dramatic music)
- Billy!
- [Tom] Don't be a hero!
- [Crash] Hold tight!
- [Crow] Don't need that.
- [Tom] Hey!
- Hold it!
(monkey sounds)
- [Crow] Ah, just save
the kid, stop showing off.
- [Tom] That's what happens when you spend
a lot around sailors, you know?
- [Joel] Thank God they built
this place like a jungle gym.
- [Tom] Here, Billy, let
me close the window first.
- Let go, Billy, I've got ya.
- [Joel] Give us Baradas!
- [Joel] Here, catch him, you mugs.
- [Crow] Ah, you got acne
all over your back, yuck!
- [Tom] Hey, kid, feel free to take
your heel out of my groin.
- [Joel] Now somebody's gotta save me.
- [Tom] Doh!
(violin music)
- [Joel] Thanks, friend.
- Hold tight, Billy.
- [Crow] Augh, not that tight. (chokes)
- [Tom] Yay, woo.
Tada!
(cheers)
- I thought the kid was a goner.
- What were you doing up there?
- Dad sent me over to get you,
but they wouldn't let me in.
- Has he had another earthquake warning?
- Yeah, he wants you to come right over.
- Wait until I get into my clothes.
I'm going over to Professor
Norton's laboratory.
- [Tom] Oh no, just put on a sarong.
That'll be all you need.
- [Woman] What you say
is very interesting, Professor Norton.
- [Crow] But stupid.
- This little machine
can predict earthquakes.
- Not only predicts, but prevents them.
- [Joel] And it makes toast.
- Ah, there you are, Lieutenant.
The signals are coming in much stronger.
- [Joel] Oh, the earth just moved for me.
- And this is Miss Compton,
staff writer of the Times.
- Everybody knows Crash Corrigan.
- [Tom] Everybody digs Dill Evans. So?
- [Joel] Answer unclear, ask again.
(electronic buzzing)
- [Tom] Popcorn's ready.
- [Crow] And it makes three
different kinds of gelati.
- It's that signal again.
They've been sending
it every five minutes.
- They? Just what do you mean by they?
- [Tom] Comedy central.
- Professor Norton
maintains that these signals
must be the work of some human agency,
apparently coming from
the bottom of the ocean.
- [Joel] Oh, the William Wall sages.
- I hope you're not
spinning that fantastic yarn
about the lost continent of Atlantis.
- Exactly, only now I have
some definite evidence.
- [Crow] Let me get in my
costume and tell you about it.
Now pretend I'm a swarthy pirate.
- This is pure orichalcum.
- [Joel] No I'm not!
- A metal made by fusing gold and copper.
The secret of this process
was lost with the Atlantians.
- What does that prove?
- Well, according to every test,
the idol couldn't be more
than a couple of years old,
something made recently.
I found it during a recent trip I made
in my rocket submarine
in this general location.
- [Crow] You have a rich
inner life, don't you?
- The ancient continent
of Atlantis was reported
to have sunk thousands of years ago.
Contrary to popular belief,
Atlantis did not sink overnight,
but during a period of years.
- [Tom] That's great, Gramps.
Get the medication!
- To construct a roof of orichalcum
over the city and keep out the ocean.
- [Joel] Ah, film's melting!
Oh, it's a better world.
- [Tom] Xanadu, stately underwater home
of Charles Foster Kane.
Cost? No fish can say.
- [Crow] It's a Denver Pyle statue.
- [Guard] I beg of you to
take safety in the citadel.
- Poseidon, guard of Atlantis,
has never forsaken his
people in time of need.
- [Tom] Jiffy Pop's ready.
- I promise you, he will not do so now.
- [Joel] Imperial.
- Surely, we have broken the cover
of this evil usurper,
Unga Khan.
- [Joel] Oh no, the king's
command is gonna make us
pretend we were in The
Rockettes again, run!
(dramatic music)
It's the 1968 Chrysler Mariback.
(siren)
- [Crow] Fondue!
- Our men are outnumbered.
The city is about to fall.
- [Tom] Yeah, Mayor Dinkins
just ain't cutting it, is he?
(dramatic music)
Say...
♫ Me and my shadow
walking down the avenue ♫
- [Joel] Meh, must be Monday.
- [Crow] Hm, traffic lights must be out.
- [Tom] Yup.
You believe this crap?
Unreal.
- [Crow] Hey, look, dung beetles.
(shouting)
I don't want that.
(thunk)
- [Tom] He was my favorite.
(explosion)
- [Crow] Ken just exploded, sir.
(explosion)
- [Joel] They bomb horses, don't they?
(reverse signal)
- [Tom] He's backing up.
- [Crow] There's a bomb
going into the air shaft.
(explosion)
- [Joel] This place looks
like a bomb just hit it... oh.
(spaceship engine sounds)
- [Crow] Jane, I'm home!
- [Joel] David Crosby, no!
(sniff)
- Sharad's army has been driven
within the walls of the sacred city.
- Good, recall the troops.
If those religious
fanatics donate control,
I'll have no more interference
with my plans to destroy the upper world.
- [Crow] Heh, you are
really something, Boss.
I think this is your year.
- [Joel] Your hat's very
creative today, Kyle.
- When you do succeed at selling
to the bottom of the sea,
Atlantis will rise once more
to its former place in the sun,
and you will be ruler of all things.
- Start the Disintegrator!
- [Joel] Duh, okay.
- [Tom] Go finish your
giant Rolaid first, sir.
(gags)
Oh look, here's Daniel in the lion's den,
this clown's making chains,
this is a giant Welch's
grape jelly machine,
and I'm out of here!
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Goodnight now!
- [Crow] It's the camera
crew from Real Life.
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] Set it for stun.
- [Tom] Let's play some metal, woo!
- [Crow] You clinking,
clanking, clattering
collection of caliginous junk!
- [Joel] Oh look, he's
packing a tummy massager.
(crumbling)
- [All] ♫ The night Chicago died
♫ Chicago died
♫ Brother, what a night the people saw ♫
- [Newscaster] Red Cross
is beginning to document
submissions leading to rushing
supplies into the area.
- [Crow] You in there?
- [Tom] Sold American.
- [Newscaster] Martial
law is rushing a militia
to the scenes of the disaster.
- [Tom] Now on the lighter
side of the news...
- Saint Clair?
That's only 300 miles from here.
- Yes, and according to my calculations,
another severe shock
will occur any moment.
- [Joel] Dang.
- Put that contracting machine
in a submarine right away.
- [Tom] Duh, okay.
- You're going down to
try to stop this quake?
What a story this will make for my paper!
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
- [Joel] Troy Tempest,
phones equal Stingray.
- [Crow] Great lady down for cocktail.
- Professor Norton.
- [Tom] Norton, get in here.
Oh, you're getting in here.
- I don't know.
We're on a level keel, but
we're being dragged down
by some mysterious force.
- [Joel] The plot?
(motor running)
- [Crow] We're out of baking soda, sir.
- [Joel] This sub is powered by Fizzies.
(bubble noises)
- [Crow] I want to take
us down to 20,000 leagues.
- [Tom] Meanwhile, in
young Billy's bathtub.
- [Crow] Billy Bathtub,
what a terrible movie.
- [Tom] No, no, Crow.
- [Joel] Check it out,
there are fish out there.
- [Crow] Sea.
- [Tom] They got a Genie automatic
garage door picker-upper.
- [Joel] That's a Swiss Army joke.
- [Tom] Sorry.
- They're in the tunnel.
- Bring them up through the Inland Sea.
- [Crow] Do you think
I'm losing weight, sir?
- [Joel] When in Coral Gables, Florida,
visit Crash Corrigan Cove.
- We're on the surface, I can see land.
- [Tom] Captain Billy.
- Impossible.
According to the depth indicator,
we're still some 10,000 feet down.
- [Tom] I think they give
that kid too much freedom.
- [Crash] That's land, alright.
We're moving into a small inlet.
- [Joel] Yup, that's land, I've
seen it before, definitely.
- [Crow] Wait a minute.
I think we're on the Pirates
of the Caribbean ride.
- [Tom] Big sub.
- Gee, we're on the surface.
- [Tom] I knew Colonel Kurtz was close.
He's real close.
- [Crow] He knows Scotty.
(bumbling noises)
- Call out the imperial guard.
- [Crow] And kill the dorky
guy, I hate comic relief.
(beeping)
- [Tom] That you're beeper?
- [Crow] Nope.
- [Tom] Well it's not me, I don't think.
- Imperial to stable.
- I command that his
supreme majesty Unga Khan,
the detachment of the imperial guard
will proceed at once to the Inland Sea
and capture the stranger
from the upper world.
- [Crow] Put your skirt down.
- Aboard, quickly!
Number one patrol, huh?
- Number one patrol, prepare to move out!
- [Joel] That's us, boys, come on.
It's time for the big Hawaiian number.
Hey, come on, everybody.
- [Crow] Hey, it's the
Ponderosa under the sea.
- [Joel] You know what, I
think that's a Mac page.
- [Tom] We now join Fitzcarraldo,
already in progress.
(war cries)
They running over somebody?
- [Crow] Yee-hah!
- [Joel] This looks like a fine place
to set down my pasty white bottom.
- [Crow] Well, they're certainly
well dressed for adventure.
- Here we are, 10,000
feet below sea level.
- [Tom] And me without my rubbers.
- Apparently in another world.
- [Crow] Hey, he's being
followed by Michael Nesmith.
- [Joel] Hey, did you know
my mom invented liquid paper?
(parrot cawing)
- [Tom] Toki, toki!
- Submerge the submarine while
we investigate this place.
- [Tom] Alright.
(foreboding music)
- [Joel] Hey, did you
remember to close the hatch?
- [Crow] Well, remember
where we parked, everyone.
We're in the giraffe lot.
- We have to hide the control box.
- Now there's a good place.
- Yes, that'll do.
- You think we better
wait for Briny and Salty?
- [Tom] Briny and Salty,
the Pretzel twins.
- Do you want us to catch the parrot?
(galloping)
- [Crow] Hey, everybody!
Here's where the two roads
diverge into a yellow wood.
- [Tom] Take the one less traveled.
- [Joel] That is one sweet chariot.
- [Crow] Shirley Maclaine.
- [Tom] No, we are lost, R2.
(whistles)
- [All] Owie, ouch,
ouch, ouch, stingy, ouch.
- [Tom] Shouldn't they be riding
side-saddle in those skirts?
- [Crow] Some of them are.
(galloping)
(whistles)
- [Crow] No, you go that way.
You'll be breaking down in no time.
(whistles)
- [Joel] Hey, it's the 34
horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ouch, stingy, ouch, that burns, ouch.
Hey, check it out, it says
Bill Shatner was here.
- [Tom] Great, they're letting
Jay North lead the pack here.
(suspenseful music)
- Look, Dad!
- [Crow] How come they all
turned when he said Dad?
- Unless my calculations are wrong,
we've come across the lost
continent of Atlantis.
- [Tom] I'd say your
calculations are wrong.
- [Diane] It must be a mirage.
- [Crow] No, the Mirage is on the Strip.
- What is that?
(galloping)
- [Joel] And around the clubhouse turn
is Apartment House With Plenty of Room
with Bird Droppings on the
Rail coming around the bend.
- [Tom] Oh, look, this is what
starts those chain accidents.
- That's no illusion.
- [Joel] It's a world of illusion.
- Look, soldiers!
(galloping)
- [Crow] Wait there, we're
coming to attack you.
- Keep out of sight.
Until we find out if
they're friends or enemies.
- [Tom] If they kill me,
they're probably enemies.
(suspenseful music)
- [Joel] Uh, taxi, I say, taxi!
(music swells)
- Capture him!
- [Crow] Gah! He's a real diplomat.
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] Get him, girls, he hit Buddy!
(straining)
- [Tom] Hey, get this, I can
see up Trent's skirt from here.
- [Crow] Okay, hand me up that horse.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Uh-oh.
I got a crazy idea,
but it just might work.
- [Joel] No way they're gonna pants me
and make me one of them!
(galloping)
- [Tom] Well I never rid a horsey before.
- He's escaping.
- Head out to check him out.
- [Tom] Enough said, live to surf.
(slow circus music)
(galloping)
- [Crow] Wait, we need that horse.
- You sure fooled them this time, Crash.
- Let's get back to the submarine.
- But the villagers, what about them?
- I'll tell you later,
there's no time to lose.
- Hurry, Diana!
- [All] Hurry, Diana!
- [Joel] Well around about that time,
the Duke boys did a little body
work on the old General Lee.
- [Tom] ♫ Hot blooded, check it and see ♫
- [All] (sing Batman theme)
- Some sort of a war tank.
- [All] Oh, I see...
A war tank?!
- [Joel] Excuse me, have
you seen any Earthlings?
- Steady.
- [Tom] Hold me!
- [Crow] Okay, boys, delouse them.
(gunshot)
- [Tom] Oh, right in the nostril.
(gunshot)
- [Joel] Fissure, fissure.
- They're not human!
- [Tom] Uh, yeah, we noticed.
Stop, wait, come back.
(explosion)
(robotic sounds)
(splat)
- [All] ♫ I'm a little
teapot, short and stout
♫ This is my handle, this is my gun
♫ One is for pouring, one is for fun ♫
- [Tom] (laughing) Pretty good.
(explosion)
- [Joel] Doh!
(explosion)
- [Tom] Moses.
Silly string!
(screaming)
- [Crow] Geez, lady, scream
in someone else's ear.
- [Tom] Really.
- You two get behind that rock.
- [Joel] Count up by ones, everyone.
- [All] One...
- [Tom] Here, Billy, you draw there fire.
- [Joel] Diane!
- The strangers have escaped...
- [Crow] I hate when they
talk during the movie... oh.
(dramatic music)
- Alas, the invisible ray
gun will soon stop them.
(static)
- [Joel] That's not very invisible.
- [Tom] I can see it.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Alright, Billy,
when I throw you off here,
flap your arms like crazy.
- Start the Disintegrator!
- [Joel] GE, we bring
good things to death.
(zapping)
(rumbling)
- [Tom] You know, I like Meg
Ryan in this role better.
(rumbling)
- [Joel] Well, this is it.
Looks like I'm gonna be
forced to push you off, Billy.
- [Tom] Hit them in the mouth?
Oh no, they're shooting hot dogs at them.
- [Crow] (laughs) Hold
the mustard on that one.
- [Joel] Admiral, deploy
the cheddar wurst.
- [Tom] Oh no!
- Boom.
(explosion)
(rumbling)
- Oh, wow, blindsided by another short.
Are you guys okay?
- Ah, don't worry, Joel.
I'm feeling no unusual effects from it.
Isn't that right, Billy?
That's right, Crow.
- That's really nice, Crow.
You know, Joel, for the life of me,
I can't understand the
appeal of these old serials.
- Well that's no big
mystery, my little fire plug.
You see, they actually have
kind of a historic quality.
If it's in the 1930s,
and you're interested in
taking over the world,
you gotta get gussied up to beat the man.
- No kidding, just look at the
elaborately flamboyant costumes
the bad guys were gadding about in.
Togas, electric helmets,
dance belts, fascist underoos.
- Exactly, and I thought it'd be fun,
as a thought experiment, for you guys
to tell me how you would dress up
if you were gonna take over the world.
- Oh, you know, I'd bronze my skin,
put on 40 pounds, and
dress like Bea Arthur.
- I'd wear a Lone Ranger mask
and a swimsuit made of string cheese.
- Good idea, very thoughtful.
Okay, say you've got your costume.
What would your caper be?
I mean, what would you do
to take over the world?
- I'd freeze all the world's oceans.
But then, I guess that means
I'd have to dress like Dick Button.
- I'd send California
tumbling into the ocean.
The Atlantic Ocean.
After showering, tauk, and changing
into my Frito Bandito costume.
- I see, well once you've
taken over the world,
what would you do then?
- Oh! I'd turn all those little Pose Me
into the boy in the plastic
bubble for obvious reasons.
- I'd declare March, Liza Month!
- Woo!
- Well, it's fun to dream, you know.
But you can bet that
anybody seriously interested
in world domination is gonna end up
looking like a real Snickerdoodle.
- What's that supposed to mean?
I'll deal with you later.
Back to the drill, Frank.
You will bow down before
me, Son of Jor-El.
Bow down!
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Looks like an E.
E. Cummings book cover.
(eerie music)
- [Joel] Type setting by Smith Corona.
- [Tom] Hoo!
(Joel laughs)
Neat, huh?
- [Crow] I'll have a Dick
Rubin, hold the sauerkraut.
- [Joel] Ryder Ren Sound Services.
- [Tom] Laszlo also brings
you a fine line of cosmetics
for aging socialites, and social x-rays.
- [All] Hey, Roger Corman! Woo!
- [Joel] Huh, I wonder if they're related.
- [Tom] Oh, no.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Hmm, a title
sequence named Desire.
- [Tom] Stella!
- [Joel] Then folks started paying
for their groceries with old cars.
Nothing you could do about it.
- [Tom] Nope.
- [Crow] This looks like the right side
of the wrong side of the tracks.
(bell ringing)
- [All] Norm!
(laughter)
- Now wait a minute, wait a minute.
- [Tom] That was a Hee
Haw writing session.
- [Crow] So I was thinking Lulu
could pop up behind some corn.
- [Joel] Now that's funny.
- Liz!
- [Joel] Is more.
- You hear me, girl?
- [Tom] Tell old Jerry Lee
to hold it down in there.
(footsteps)
- [Crow] Aye, who's the new girl?
- [Tom] Lolita!
- What do you want now?
- [Crow] Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
- [Tom] Yeah, Crest!
- You gotta play that thing so loud?
What'd you come out like this for?
- [Tom] Oral?
- Don't bother me.
- Liz.
- [Crow] I wonder if they
have back porch on that place.
- Some day, I'm gonna give that she-cat
the whopping she's been asking for.
- [All] Boo!
- Let them know who wears
the pants around here.
- [Joel] Yeah, and who wears
the stupid-looking hat.
- Be back in a minute.
- [Crow] Heh, good one, Ed,
I gotta give you that one.
- Come back there, I'll lend you a jug.
She'll be doing it.
(laughs)
- [Joel] Ha ha, I soiled myself.
- Tell us about that thing you killed
out there at the swamp, will ya?
(indistinguishable)
- [Tom] Maybe we should
have subtitles for this.
- I put five slugs into that
critter before it went under.
- [Crow] Then I had a few slugs myself.
And then I went under.
- Had regular arms on it like a man.
- [Tom] But made for a woman.
- Sorta different looking,
had suckers on them.
- [Joel] Tootsie Pop, I think.
- Like one of them...
Like one of them octopuses.
- [Crow] That's octopi, actually.
- Boy, it was plum awful-looking.
- Man, you sure that critter wasn't pink?
(laughs)
- [Crow] Shut up, Bruce.
- I told you before, it
was sorta gray-looking.
- [Tom] You gotta check
with String Bean to laugh?
- Well, laugh if you want.
- [Joel] Ha.
- But that thing weren't
nothing nature put out there.
No sir, and it weren't
no freak gator, neither.
- [Crow] Maybe it was the rocket
fuel you've been drinking.
- I've been poaching in
this country for 40 years
and I ain't never seen nothing like it.
- [Joel] Uh, that's a double negative.
- Too bad you didn't bring it back.
Steve Benton'd probably
pay a fair bounty for it,
whatever it was.
- Bounty?
I wouldn't touch that critter
for all the money ever made.
- [Tom] 10 bucks?
- And if you'd seen it,
you wouldn't, neither.
- You better take it easy on the stuff.
You looking kinda taken.
- [Joel] Oh, this is an intervention.
- [Tom] Shucks, it's just tobacco juice.
- I'm gonna clean my otter
lines out before morning.
- [Crow] No! Not in front of us, please!
- I think that critter's a
ghost of one of those otters
you've been poaching all these years,
coming back to haunt you.
(laughs)
- [Joel] Our joy, Crow's friend.
- Well if that's so, you fellers
will see it right quick yourselves.
- [Tom] Yeah, that's great.
When you get near a sentence, let us know.
(yawn)
- [Crow] Do you really think
this loitering is good for business?
(grunts)
- [Joel] This sitting
around plum wore me out.
- [Crow] The Hooterville Seven.
- [Tom] I think she knows
how to scratch an itch.
- [Joel] Ordinary pantyhose
are okay under funky clothes,
but gentlemen prefer Hanes.
- [Tom] Pete Fountain.
(distant laughter)
- [Crow] Quit wearing my things.
- [Joel] Boss Hog, after dark.
- Look, it's not like I wanna be mean
or anything like that, Liz, baby.
But I got a reputation around here.
- [Crow] As a big fat insensitive guy?
- No respect for a man who
lets his woman boss him.
Next thing you know,
they'll be laughing at me.
- [Tom] Then I'd have to
go on a shooting spree.
- Won't you please
listen to me, Liz, baby?
Liz?
- [Joel] I'm not hearing you, la la la...
♫ Hot child in the city ♫
- [Tom] Sir, my name's
not Liz, it's Blanch.
(seductive music)
I love it when she puts it on there.
I just like the smell.
- [Crow] Liz, honey, you think
you could lose some weight?
- [Joel] You know, she's gonna sharpen
those calf muscles with those heels.
(seductive music)
- Stop looking at me like that.
- I'll look at you any way
I want, you're my wife.
- [Joel] Man, I do
wonder what it'd be like
to make love to you, though.
- [Crow] No, don't do that, lady!
- [Tom] It's okay.
Oh, Mommy!
- [Joel] Honey West.
- [Crow] Joel, I thought
underwear was supposed to match.
- Who do you think you're talking to?
"Don't touch me." You're my wife.
I'll touch you any time I feel like it.
- [Crow] You must have
a real good personality.
- [Joel] Can I call you sometime?
- Where you going?
(piano music)
- [Tom] A fellow named Humbert
Humbert wants to see me.
- Where you going?
- I'm going out.
- [Joel] To church.
- Maybe I'll be back, maybe I won't.
- Liz, baby.
- [Crow] Do I have to guess?
Do I get a prize if I can guess?
- [Joel] Can I eat your dinner then?
- [Tom] Shoudn't have married her
knowing that she loved me.
(frogs croaking)
- [Crow] How come we're not moving?
(vomiting sounds)
- [Crow] Okay, all done.
(grunt)
- [Joel] Hey, it's Jim from Wild Kingdom.
- Well, there was a young one
in the last trap, I had to kill it.
- Oh, poor thing.
- [Crow] Yeah, boo-hoo.
- Told you, you shouldn't have come along.
- [Tom] Well, let's have some kids.
- [Joel] But I love sitting
in a smelly pickup truck.
- I can understand hunting an animal,
but making it suffer in those traps...
- [Crow] Hey, I suffer
in the trap of love.
- These poachers know the swamps
like the back of their hands.
But I'll catch one in the act some night
and put him away for six months.
- [Crow] My, he's rugged.
- In the meantime, I'll
have to be satisfied
confiscating their trap lines.
- [Tom] That's reward enough.
- Lose enough traps, it won't
pay them to keep trying.
- Be careful, darling.
These people aren't like other folks.
They'll try and get back at you.
- [Joel] They've got
seven toes on each foot.
- Steve, you're a stranger here.
They've lived this way for generations.
One man isn't gonna change them overnight.
- [Crow] Yeah, they gotta wanna change.
- I'm serious, Steve,
they can be dangerous.
- Okay, I'll be careful.
You just stop worrying.
- [Tom] Uh-huh.
- [Crow] Oh, he's the killer leech.
- [Tom] No, lech. It's the
attack of the killer lech.
- (sigh) Oh, Steve, I love you.
I love you so much.
♫ I don't know how to (muffled) ♫
(distant screaming)
- What was that?
- I don't know, you get in
the truck and lock it up.
- [Tom] Sounded like Hee Haw.
- [Crow] Could you leave the Mad Dog here?
- [Joel] She dresses pretty
formally for a leech hunt.
(screaming)
- [Tom] Becky, we were
just playing a little game.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Oh, thanks for
comforting me with a gun.
- [Tom] Ugh.
- [Joel] Uh, he's a mess.
A chocolate mess.
(lip smacking)
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
- [Crow] Mmm, breakfast beans.
- [Joel] Aw, this guy's
the sheriff of everything.
- The coroner ruled that
Sawyer died in a misadventure.
As far as this officer's
concerned, that's the end of it.
- [Tom] That's a common cause of death.
- If Lem was killed by anything human,
I wouldn't need you to tell me my job.
- [Crow] Ah, shut up
and finish your Kaboom.
- ...looking for an overgrown gator.
- [Tom] What do I look like, a cop?
- Sawyer wasn't killed by an alligator.
- Is that so?
Did you hear that, Morton?
Game warden Benton says it
wasn't a gator that killed Lem.
Well then, what was it?
You know so much, go on,
tell me, what killed him?
- [Joel] It was low level stress, Troy.
- The wounds were the kind a squid
or a large octopus might cause.
- [Crow] I love squid!
- Sure, did Greyson explain
how a saltwater creature
happened to be 30 miles
inland living in clear water?
- Stranger things have happened.
- Look here, Benton,
you work for the state.
- [Crow] The state of confusion.
- Why don't you keep your
nose out of county business?
Is that clear enough for you?
- Oh, go soak your fat head.
- [Joel] Okay then, well
I'll go get some soap and...
Hey, wait a minute!
- What was that you said?
- I said go soak your fat head.
- [Tom] Is that exactly
how you phrased it?
Wasn't there more of a lilting quality?
Gah!
- [Joel] Why if I wasn't so
stuffed with beans right now.
- He's sure going to get it.
(burp)
You can bet on that.
- [Crow] I thought it was
funny, Sheriff. (laughs)
- [Tom] Gary Busey, ladies
and gentlemen, Gary Busey.
- [Crow] Look, I sneezed on my dictionary.
- You see, the octopi
uses its suction discs
to hold its prey.
- [Crow] Like I hold a sandwich.
- The disc will not inflict a wound.
Same is true with a squid.
Now both creatures have a parrot-like beak
as their primary offensive
and defensive weapon.
- Maybe the sheriff was right, Dad.
- [Joel] I think I know
where the drapes went.
- Could be a freak or
a malformed alligator.
- [Crow] Thanks for the
coffee, Mrs. Cleavage.
- No, I'm afraid it wasn't.
- Well where does that leave us, Doc?
- [Tom] In the living room.
- Wish I knew.
You know, I'm beginning to think
Lem was telling the
truth in Walker's store.
He did see something that night.
Something that had intelligence enough
to seek him out and destroy him later.
- [Crow] That was smart.
- Sawyer claims to have
killed the thing he saw.
Put a half a dozen rifle bullets into it.
I've seen that old 44-40 he used.
Nothing could live after
being hit with those slugs.
- [Joel] Only half a cup?
Don't I like my coffee?
- Conceding the possibility
of one such creature,
we must also concede the
possibility of others.
- [Tom] Oh, sorry, you lost me.
You know, this coffee's wonderful.
- There's one sure way of finding out.
Go in and search every backwater channel
and wet spot in the swamp.
- [Crow] Any volunteers?
- If it's there, I'll find it.
- [Joel] It all points
to one thing, Drake.
This coffee's grand.
- [Tom] ♫ From the land
of sky blue water ♫
(dramatic music)
Aw, heck, honey.
I got a motor on this thing.
I just remembered.
- [Crow] Do you know any other camp songs?
- [Tom] Let's see, Barnacle Bill?
- [Joel] Yeah, watever you do,
don't help me paddle, Miss Dead Weight.
- [Tom] Well you know, a
visor might've been helpful.
- [Crow] It's a swamp, should
we bring our evil in here?
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Charlie, there's
leeches all over your back.
- It sure is quiet around here.
- [Joel] What is she, on her
lunch break from Wendy's?
- [Crow] ♫ Wreck of
the Edmund Fitzgerald ♫
- [Joel] Here, leechy, leechy, leechy.
Come on, nice leechy, leechy, leechy.
- [Crow] I'll tell you
one thing right now.
I am not going to portage this thing.
- [Tom] You know, maybe
this isn't the right time
to talk about this, but I love muffins.
You know those real fancy
nut and fruit muffins
they got, full of whole grain?
- [Joel] Simon, no!
- [Tom] The heck?
- Did you hear something?
- [Crow] Um, I heard you say,
"Did you hear something?"
- Well, whatever it was,
it's not here anymore.
- [Tom] Probably over
the state line by now.
- [Joel] Be quiet.
Phil Harris and Curt Gowdy
are duck hunting back there.
- Do you want some coffee?
- [Crow] Again with the coffee!
Well, it is very good coffee.
- An Army could hide in
here and never be noticed.
- One did.
- [Nan] What?
The Seminoles under Osceola in the 1830s.
- [Tom] Aw gee, I was just
trying to break the ice.
I don't need a history lesson.
- I remember reading about
Osceola in high school.
- [Crow] Yeah, those Seminoles.
Boy, they drink a lot of coffee.
- I've only been at it two
days and I feel worn out.
- [Joel] Probably 'cause of my stories.
- Might as well keep on looking around.
- [Tom] Okay, well then,
like some more coffee?
I'll get you some more coffee.
Dinner's ready back here.
Do you want Rice-A-Roni?
There's some steak tartare
and some little O'Brien potatoes.
- [Crow] Hey, what's this hole in the...
Augh!
(suspenseful music)
- [Joel] I feel like Lewis and Clark.
- [Crow] Really?
- [Joel] You be Jerry
Lewis, I'll be Petula Clark.
(suspenseful music)
- Well, I guess we may as
well give up for the day.
- You won't get any arguments from me.
- [Crow] Okay, let's go.
- [Tom] But I don't wanna go now.
- [Crow] What?
- [Tom] Will the leech survive?
Will they drink more coffee?
And will the fat guy's
wife ever touch him?
And what about Naomi?
- [Crow] Hi there.
- [Joel] Look, either pick
up a paddle or sit still.
(suspenseful music)
Is it asking too much to pull over
to a station and ask for directions?
- [Tom] No.
Can we do something different
next time we go out,
like go to a restaurant or something?
- [Crow] Hello again.
I'm the leech.
See you later.
Well, let's see, that'll hold me
'til I get to the office anyway.
- [Joel] ♫ Doin' the Big Fig Newton
♫ Here's the tricky part,
the Big Fig Newton ♫
- I'm asking you for the
last time, Dave Walker.
- [Tom] Did you eat the last moon pie?
- Will you answer me, you dirty old man?
- [Crow] Dirty old man?
The ropers get more action than I...
- I ain't dirty, Liz, baby.
- Liz baby, Liz honey.
Can't you think of anything
else to say, stupid?
- Gotta get this order
over to Miss Sholby.
She's one of my better customers.
- [Crow] You know, I think
the bloom's off the rose.
- I love you, Liz, baby.
- [Tom] But I love groceries more.
- Get out.
Get out, you fat pig!
- [Joel] Now wait a minute.
I don't go calling you a
beautiful shapely woman, do I?
- [Tom] Oh, forgot my hat.
(cans clacking)
- [Crow] Cleanup on aisle three, please.
(door slams shut)
- [Joel] Listen, don't even ask, alright?
- You know women, Cal.
Gotta get their hair
down every now and then.
- You sure do know an
awful lot about females.
- [Tom] Well, I was a female once.
- I can't stand here and jaunt, Cal.
- [Crow] Gotta save my jaw for eating.
- [Tom] Here you go, Miss Sholby.
- Well...
ever since Lem got himself killed,
she wants me to sell
out and move into town.
- [Joel] And leave all this?
- Don't you let her bamboozle you, Dave.
You belong right here in the store.
After all, place wouldn't be
the same without you around.
- [Crow] Well, there'd be more
oxygen for the rest of us.
- Thanks, Cal.
I better get going.
See you when I get back.
- Yeah, I'll be around.
- [Tom] Ah, what a rich life, huh?
Flipping a walnut in a sieve all day.
- [Joel] Heh heh, now I got
my pick of the wicker baskets.
(peppy music)
- [Crow] Hey, where are
your outboard motor...
Oh, there they are.
- Liz, baby.
- [Tom] Cora?
(metal banging)
- [Joel] Yeah, I'm here about the affair.
I have an appointment
for 2 o'clock Wednesday.
- [Tom] Say, could you
show me some sundries?
- You want something, Cal?
- [Crow] Uh, do I still have a tab going?
- I sure do, honey.
- [Joel] Well, I'm real partial
to them Hormel dinner meals.
- [Tom] What, I'm not a mind reader.
- [Joel] Wow.
(peppy music)
(footsteps)
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
- Boy, some strong coffee,
I'm getting buzzed.
My neck plate's quivering
and my cute little acrylic
hands are shaking and sweaty.
Fill her up, Joel!
- Okay, I thought so.
Anything you say, little amigo.
- More sugar, please!
- Okay, I'm right on
it, Gypsy, no problem.
- Oy, Joel, today's experiment's got bite.
It's like...
- It's like a fever dream, Crow.
Or like one of those dreams
when you get home at midnight
and you wolf down the
Ukrainian sausage pastry
and a gross beer, then
you go straight to bed?
- Yeah, or when you just got
off a 12-hour shift at Arby's
and you're watching TV at 3am,
and then you fall asleep during Omega Man.
- Do you have any more half-and-half?
- No problem.
You know, I had a really
weird dream last night.
I dreamed that we all got back to Earth
and then you guys got a duplex together.
- You know, just last night,
I dreamed that I had a
really nice girlfriend
with red hair and a blue dress,
then she turned into a gargoyle
and I was really scared,
but then Jesus came and
everything was okay.
- You saw Jesus?
- Yeah. Real nice guy, too.
Thinner than you might think.
- I don't remember my
dreams too often, Joel.
- You know, I never could either,
until I started keeping a journal.
- Hey, I'm curious, what
do you dream about, Gypsy?
- I dream I fly in color.
- Oh, you dreamed you flew.
That means you're intuitive.
- I have one dream about a
little French café in Paris,
right off the route of Florentine.
What was that waiter's name?
- John Woo!
- You had that dream, too?
(alarm buzzing)
- We got movie sign!
- [Tom] Careful, I spilled
a little coffee right there.
- [Crow] I am wired.
(growling)
- I didn't hurt you now, did I?
- It's just, you're so strong.
- [Joel] Smelling, I mean.
- I like a man who's strong.
- [Crow] Smelling, I mean.
- You sure picked a doozy, that man, Dave.
I don't think he's got a muscle in him.
Just a big piece of flab.
- [Tom] You're talking
about the flab I love.
- Come on now, I didn't
mean anything against you.
- [Joel] I mean, you're
a little piece of flab.
- Just that I can't see
a real woman like you
tied up with a tub of lard like that.
- [Tom] Just can't imagine
you making love is all.
- You wouldn't understand, Cal.
You know, I wanted to tell you.
- [Crow] I'm the Ronald
McDonald for this region.
- You just wouldn't understand.
- Try me.
- [Tom] Free trial
sample, try me for a week.
- [Joel] Sister, you got roots.
- Huh?
- [Crow] Did you say something?
I wasn't listening.
- You crazy...
- [Joel] Kinda looks like a
forest up there in your nose.
- You could tell me you killed your pa
and your ma and your whole family.
I'll fight to protect you.
(birds chirping)
- [Crow] Ouch, my keys.
- [Tom] Hey, remember my pa
and my ma and the whole family?
- [Crow] We now return
to Fat Guy Goes Nutsoid,
a Tromo presentation.
- [Joel] He's using an adulterer decoy.
Come on, baby.
(kiss sounds)
- [Tom] Miss Sholby, I
got your groceries here.
Don't want no trouble this time.
- [Joel] Like that guy
could sneak up on somebody.
- [Tom] Honey?
Making out with one of
my friends back here?
- [Crow] Hmm, Swamp Blanket Bingo.
- [Joel] Let's see now,
there's some trees and a car
and my wife making out with... oh?
- First husband was a no-good bum.
- [Crow] Second husband, no-good bum.
Third husband, no-good bum.
- He used to get lushed up,
come home and beat up on me.
- [Crow] Oh, Merle Haggard.
- [Joel] Hey.
- [Crow] George Jones?
- Nothing but a prized pig.
- One night, he tried to
hold up a gas station.
- [Tom] But he wasn't very
strong and it fell on him.
- He was so drunk, he couldn't even run.
They caught him less than a mile away.
He got set up.
I got a divorce.
- [Tom] Then I dated David
Sole for a while and...
same thing.
- After three years with him...
(snoring)
- [Joel] Hey, she's
really opening up to him.
- I wish I could've been there.
I'd know how to take care
of a woman like you, Liz.
- Maybe it is too late, Cal.
- [Crow] Oh, good thing they
brought a make-out tarp.
- [Joel] I believe this is my dance.
- You're wrong, woman.
It's too late for the both of you.
- [Crow] Uh, she dropped
her contact lens in my mouth
and was trying to get
it out with her tongue.
Yeah, that's it.
- Go on, get up.
- Now look, Dave, I know
what you're thinking, but--
- I got double large
shot in this here thing.
You got two seconds
before I pull the trigger.
- [Tom] Okay, so I guess I'll
be seeing you there, huh?
- Don't get riled, Dave.
- [Joel] Just advancing
the plot, nothing personal.
- She's been pestering me
for months to take her out.
- Sure, Cal, I understand.
Get her up so I can get a better look
at the lying little tramp.
- [Joel] Which one of
us is the lying... oh.
- Come on, get up.
- No, he'll kill me, he'll kill me.
- Now your husband wants
to take a look at you.
- [Tom] Uh, is this her?
- You, uh, walk all the way, Dave?
- [Crow] No, there's a
motorcycle in my pants.
What do you think?
- Get over there!
- Now, Dave, it ain't as bad as you think.
- [Joel] It's fantastic.
- Tramp.
- What are you gonna do?
- [Joel] I'm gonna make
you listen to Supertramp.
- Dave, you put down that gun
before I get mad and make you eat it!
- [Tom] Eat it?
Hmm... hey, don't try to distract me.
- Go right ahead and try.
(gunshot)
- [Joel] I know what you're thinking.
Did I fire one shot or only one?
- [Tom] Every weekend, I go through this.
- [Crow] No, just wanted the tarp.
(suspenseful music)
(gunshot)
- [Joel] Now it's The Most Dangerous Game.
- [Tom] I'll say.
(gunshot)
- [Crow] This is more
like Night at the Iguana
than Attack of the Giant Leeches.
(grunting)
- [Tom] Quick, let's go
tell the camp councilor.
He'll help us.
- Come on!
(gunshot)
- I can't go any further!
- [Joel] I got nowhere else to go!
(heavy breathing)
- [Tom] (burp)
- [Crow] You two go on without me!
Oh, wait a minute, that's all wrong.
- [Tom] Thunder Husband.
- [Joel] I'll catch you,
you rascally adulterers.
(dramatic music)
Wait a minute, he's loading
his gun with Tootsie Rolls.
(lip smacking)
- Go on, run! Run 'til you drop!
- [Crow] Like I will!
- [Joel] Uh, let me
guess, she broke a heel?
- [Tom] Yeah, she's the
girl, she's supposed to.
- [Crow] Now what is with the mud?
Did we miss some metaphor?
- [Tom] Soil of the soul or something?
- [Joel] Heh heh, pull!
That one was just for me. Hah!
- I can't go on anymore, I can't.
You gotta let me stop
and rest for a minute.
- Shut up!
(gunshot)
- [Crow] Hey, that was
his heart blowing up.
- I can't go on, Cal.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] There's gotta be a trailer park
around here somewhere.
- [Joel] Man, look at all the weed.
Where are they, Tommy Chong's backyard?
(gunshot)
- [Crow] Suddenly,
they're the defiant ones.
(silence)
- [Tom] (sigh)
- [Joel] Welp, guess you caught up to us.
- Go on, keep going.
- Dave, please, you gotta listen.
It wasn't my fault, honest.
She kept playing up to me every
time you turned your back.
It wasn't my fault.
- [Tom] I can't be held accountable.
She's got bosoms and everything.
- You and your muscles.
(spit)
- [Joel] Ew, she snagged on him.
- If it wasn't for you, I
wouldn't be in this fix.
And my old friend Dave wouldn't
be doing this thing to me.
It's all your fault!
- Oh! (spit)
- [Tom] She did it again.
- Get going.
- But Dave...
We've been friends a long time, Dave.
You wouldn't kill an old friend, Dave.
- If you don't move, I'll
kill you where you stand.
- But Dave!
(gunshot)
- He's crazy, man.
- [Joel] Did he just kill him or what?
(crying)
- [Crow] And as for you,
young lady, you're grounded.
- [Joel] They're melting.
(crying)
- Please, Dave!
- [Tom] I'm sorry, Dave.
Don't make us go to the deep end.
We're not ready for the deep end yet.
- [Crow] Hey, quit laughing,
I'm trying to humiliate you.
- I'm sorry, Dave!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!
- [Tom] Please, Dave, treat
me out to chicken corden bleu.
(crying)
- You think you learned enough
to stay away from my woman, Cal?
- [Tom] I learned plenty!
I got a PhD in staying
away from your wife!
- I'll do anything you
say, Dave, anything!
- [Joel] Would you rob a shop?
- [Tom] ♫ Anything ♫
- Come on out of there.
(dramatic music)
- Dave, give me a hand.
(deep growling)
- [Crow] Ay caramba!
- Look out, behind you!
(screaming)
- Oh, Dave!
- [Tom] Uh, don't help or anything, Dave.
(screaming)
- [Crow] Gee, it was okay to
shoot them, but this... yeck!
- [Tom] Think they know we're here?
(splashing)
- Ain't nothing down here, sir.
- [Joel] Except for these dead folks.
- Well, I'm getting tired of this.
Come on in, boys!
(birds chirping)
Now, if there was any bodies out there,
we'd have found them.
Now I want some straight answers, Walker.
And don't give me anymore
of that crud about monsters, neither.
Where'd you hide them
after you killed them?
- [Tom] (burp) Sorry.
- I told you the truth, Sheriff.
I didn't kill them.
- [Crow] I ate them.
- I just wanted to scare them good.
- [Tom] Don't cry, I hate it when you cry.
- I wouldn't do anything to hurt her.
I loved her.
- [Joel] I loved her more
than twice baked potatoes.
- You loved her.
That's why you chased her
through the swamp with a shotgun.
- [Crow] Well it's tough love, admittedly.
- [Sheriff] Where'd you hide the bodies?
- Won't you believe me?
It was them monsters, they--
- Take him out of here
before I lose my temper.
- [Tom] Gary Cooper in a cameo role.
Gary Cooper, ladies and
gentlemen, Gary Cooper.
(bird chirping)
- [Crow] Hey, it's Bartles and Jaymes.
- County pay a reward if someone
finds the bodies, Sheriff?
- [Tom] Reward.
- $50.
- [Joel] And you get to keep the body.
- Each?
- [Tom] For those extra genes you need.
- Yeah.
(monkey howling)
- [Tom] Sounds like Africa.
- You know, I never
thought that of ol' Dave.
Course, everybody know that Cal and Liz
had a hankering for each other.
- [Crow] I think it went
way beyond hankering.
- [Tom] Mhm.
- Darn fools.
Grappling out there in
the middle of the water.
If the bodies is still in there,
you can bet some old bull gator's got him
stuffed in his cave under the bank,
letting him ripen up for a few days.
- [Joel] Uh, Jeb, you
got a real dark side.
- What we need now is
some long cypress poles
to go in there and pull...
- [Crow] We'll drink
the pond dry, and then--
- [Tom] No, no.
- [Joel] Otis, your Quisp is ready.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] He's stuck to the ceiling.
- [Joel] Great, a swinger.
Always on my shift.
- [Tom] For crying out loud.
(silence)
- [Tom] I just love these Hummels.
- I'm sorry, Doc, I can't do it.
- I'll have to do it myself.
- Wouldn't wanna have to
arrest you, Doc, but I will
if I find you near the
preserve with any explosives.
- Steve!
- Sorry, Nan, that's
the way it's gotta be.
- [Crow] I'm a jerk.
- Steve's right, Nan.
It's his job to protect wildlife.
- What about human life?
Three people have been
killed in that game preserve.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?
- Nan, try to understand.
- [Joel] I'm a jerk.
- If something in the
swamp was responsible
for those deaths, I
wouldn't hesitate a minute.
We've been together the last three days.
We didn't see a trace of anything unusual.
- [Crow] Except for that 10-foot leech.
- Not so much as a suggestion
of any form of life unknown to us.
- Steve!
- [Tom] Woah, Easy Lift needs adjusting.
- Alright, I'll admit Sawyer's death
left a lot of questions unanswered.
But you can bet your bottom dollar
the other two died from
Dave Walker's shotgun.
- Do you really believe that?
- Figure it out, Nan.
Walk admitted chasing his wife and Cal
into the swamps after
he found them together.
- [Joel] Cow?
He shot them and he tried
to place the blame on Sawyer's DTs.
If Sawyer told us seeing purple giraffes
with polka-dot tails walking around...
- [Tom] Woah, woah, back up a bit there.
- There's one argument
against that, Steve.
Dave Walker wasn't the kind
of a man to hang himself.
- [Crow] Nah, he's a blade man.
I talked with Dave less than an hour
before he killed himself.
- [Tom] Maybe that's why.
- I've seen frightened
men before, terrified men,
but I've never seen to
compare with the horror
and the fear in Walker's eyes.
- He realized what he'd done.
He killed two people, one his wife.
- [Joel] One, his Cal.
- Look, Doc, Nan and I
were all over that swamp.
- [Crow] And each other.
- [Steve] Why didn't
these monsters attack us?
- I've been thinking about that.
They're probably night creatures.
They can't stand the light.
They stay down near the
bottom during the day.
- [Tom] Like comedians.
- A small charge would stun them
and bring them to the surface.
- Can't bite, Doc.
- Pig-headed Steve Benton.
- [Joel] No, it's Steve-headed Pig Benton.
- Stubborn and pig-headed.
- You just don't understand, do you?
- [Tom] I'm a jerk!
- [Crow] Oh, I'll go make some coffee.
- [Joel] She doesn't
understand I'm a jerk, sir.
(door shuts)
- [Tom] Whatever.
- Goodnight, Doc.
- [Tom] Goodnight, jerk.
(suspenseful music)
- [Tom] I'm a beaver,
and this is the view from my living room.
Enjoy!
(dramatic music)
(low growling)
- [Crow] Hi, I'm back.
- [Tom] (singing in foreign language)
(water sloshing)
- [Tom] Got any Deep Woods Off there?
- [Crow] Well at least we's paddling
in the same direction now.
- Right over there in them reeds...
- [Joel] Is where my Daddy met my Pappy.
(low growling)
- [Tom] Wish we could see him.
You can't personalize a monster like this.
(suspenseful music)
- [Crow] Hey, look, a lot
of golf balls down in there.
(grunts)
- Just can't figure ol' Dave out.
- [Joel] He's a complex fellow.
- What would you do?
- I hadn't thought of that.
- [Joel] I hadn't thought
of anything, never.
- Right over there in them reeds...
- [Crow] Jerry Reed, Rex
Reed, Willis Reed, Donna Reed,
Lou Reed, Reed Richards, Robert Reed.
- [Tom] These guys are
inqesively incompetent.
(low growling)
- [Crow] Don't look now, I
think they found Jimmy Hoffa.
(silence)
- [Joel] Oh, take me to
the sweet mushroom palace,
my friend booze.
- There is sure a lot left.
- [Crow] That's the suntan lotion! (gags)
- [Joel] You ever feel like
crying and you don't know why?
- Sure is funny.
- Huh?
- [Tom] Gallagher. Said he sure is funny.
- Noticed anything?
- What?
- We've been prodding
around here all morning.
Ain't run across a single gator.
- [Joel] And I don't have no pants on.
- If I'm right, this pool
should be crawling with them.
- [Crow] I'm crawling with something.
- Yeah, that is funny.
- I don't like the looks of things.
- [Crow] And I don't
like the looks of you.
- Well, now wait a minute.
We ain't pulled the gator
holes around the bend yet.
- You do you what you wanna do, boy.
Just get me on dry land, right quick!
- [Joel] Don't ever get off the boat.
- No use getting all heated up. Let's go.
(water sloshing)
- [Joel] Alright, now make that
motor boat noise again, Caleb.
- [Tom] (motor boat noise)
- [Joel] By the way, can
I borrow your fondue set?
Sarah and her mother
are coming over later.
- Out here on a wild goose chase.
(dramatic music)
(leech roaring)
(screaming)
(splash)
- [Crow] This is the most fantastic
undersea odyssey ever filmed!
- [Tom] Oh, I just love
underwater love scenes.
(dramatic music)
(low growling)
Oh great, the leeches have a little fort.
- [Crow] Hello, Bond.
Sorry about the formality.
(low growls)
- [Tom] This one's a keeper.
We eat tonight.
- [Joel] You ever feel like
you're in a Gary Larson cartoon?
- [Tom] Leeches are just
guys in fancy ponchos.
- [Crow] They're not leeches,
they're scientologists.
- [Joel] They're Sears ponchos.
- [Tom] Oh look, Jim
Henson's Cracker Babies.
(screaming)
- [Crow] Hey, keep it down.
We're trying to sleep over here.
- [Joel] You still haven't got it right.
We don't want hillbillies with good taste.
We want hillbillies that taste good.
- [Crow] Hillbilly Red.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Honey, wake up, they're back.
- [Joel] Wow, he is gonna
have one immense hickey.
- [Crow] He's gonna have
to wear a turtleneck.
(screaming)
- [Joel] How am I gonna
explain this to my husband?
Ah, this side.
(low growling)
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
(dogs barking)
- [Tom] Aw, puppies.
- [Joel] ♫ You blown it all sky high ♫
You know, if I didn't know better,
I'd say we're in the dumbest
part of the movie right now.
- [Crow] Probably.
- [Joel] ♫ Without a reason why ♫
- [Crow] There's a madman
'cross the water there.
- [Joel] Buzz bomb reference.
- [Tom] Hey, Bob, you know I'm thinking
about getting me one of
them speedo swimsuits.
What do you think?
- [Joel] You'd look sweet, Pete.
Can we break for a snack?
Dave would've wanted us to.
- [Joel] We're under
here, you can't see us.
- [Tom] Oh, think my pants are shrinking.
(coughs)
(bubbles)
- All clear!
It's clear over here!
- [Crow] I'll be the judge of that.
(low growling)
(dog barking)
Hey, that's not a scent.
That's the other dog you're sniffing.
These dogs have been tracking each other!
- [Tom] Flibbity checkers, no.
- [Joel] Is it hot here or is it just me?
(grunts)
(suspenseful music)
- [Tom] Woah, outta here!
Feets, don't fail me now.
- [Joel] Stay together, cheeks.
(dogs growling)
- [Crow] Well, this scene isn't
panning out like I'd hoped.
- [Joel] Hey, spread out, this is my spot.
(dog howling)
- [Tom] Yeah yeah, we know,
you saw the best minds
of your generation destroyed
by madness, we know.
- Alright, let's keep moving.
- [Crow] To another film?
- [Joel] Champ, Rex, Spot, Otto.
(panting)
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] I claim this land
for the queen of Spain.
- [Joel] ♫ Wouldn't you like to glide
♫ In my beautiful balloon ♫
Man, they're really having
trouble with this scene.
Yeah, it's going nowhere.
- Well, we can't do anymore tonight.
Might as well start back.
- Reckon there ain't no use
hurrying now, Mr. Benton.
Even if Old Sam was alive,
they'd let us know with
a holler or something.
- Yeah, kinda looks that way.
- You fellas notice
anything about this lake?
- [Crow] Uh, it's wet?
- What about them?
- They ain't.
The water this side usually has
maybe 50, 60 big ones around
and a whole lot of little ones.
- [Tom] Well I could go
for a piece of one myself.
- Maybe our torches scared them away.
- Nothing scares gators, nothing.
Animal law humor.
- [Crow] But keep in mind,
I'm intensely stupid.
- Well we might as well get out of here.
- [Joel] It's TGIF, huh, fellas?
- [Tom] Hmong folk art.
- [Crow] We're worried about
your not smoking, Chad.
- You got something in mind, Steve?
- [Joel] Yeah, remember Bub's Daddy gum?
- I'm thinking of what
Evan said about the gators.
- [Tom] Yeah, he said, "Ahh!"
- Something made them leave, maybe a...
- [Joel] Court order?
- Mineral contamination.
- Guess we better run some water samples.
- [Crow] Through myself.
- Come on, you two, drink your coffee.
- [Tom] Well, I was just
talking about coffee.
- And supposing there
is no contamination...
- [Joel] Well we'll add some.
- Then I'll send over to
Eastpoint for a diving rig,
to go down to look for
this monster of yours.
- Now, Steve, don't even joke like that.
- [Crow] You don't know how to tell them.
- I'm not joking, Nan.
I've had some training with an aqualung
while I was in the Navy.
- [Tom] (mimics song
"Aqualung" by Jethro Tull)
Two bodies we know for sure
are down there, maybe four.
They've got to be brought up.
- Wait a minute.
There are no alligators in
that part of the swamp, right?
- [Steve] So?
- No sign of any fish or snakes?
- [Tom] No.
- Well, what are you getting at, Doc?
- [Crow] Uh, would you pass the jelly?
- Well there goes your argument about
setting off a dynamite charge underwater.
It'd bring the bodies to the surface.
- Get it out of your mind, Doc.
I'm not using any explosives
as long as there's another way.
- Why must you be such a...
- [Joel] Stud.
- Stubborn pig-head?
- [Nan] Exactly.
- [Tom] That, too.
- I'll tell you why.
Number one, there's bound
to be some aquarium life
in that section, even if the
bigger forms have abandoned it.
- [Joel] Get it?
- An explosion underwater would
destroy every living thing
and wreck what nature
took years to build up.
- [Tom] Years of inbreeding destroyed.
- Number two, I am paid to prevent
the useless slaughter of wildlife.
- [Crow] Uh, what was one again?
- Number three, I'd have
to get authorization,
and to get that authorization,
I'd have to come up with
a heck of a good reason.
- [Tom] Number four, you're a jerk.
- Satisfied?
- [Joel] No, I could use more coffee.
- Finish up, Dad, I wanna go home.
- [Tom] I thought you were home.
- Steve, how long would it take you
to get this diving
equipment from Eastpoint?
- [Crow] Is this a riddle?
- A couple days, why?
- Oh, nothing.
- [Joel] Then why bring it up?
- [Tom] I was deliberately
wasting your time.
- Take care of yourself, Steve.
- [Crow] Or someone might
stab you in your sleep.
- [Joel] Wait, I don't live here.
What the... oh.
- Well, here's hoping.
- Dad, can't you fill the
dynamite in from here?
- No, I wanna get it out in
the middle, the deepest spot.
- [Crow] 'Cause Pepperidge Farm remembers.
- [Tom] Now it's time for
Trout Blasting in America
with your host, Dick Branigan.
- [Joel] ♫ Oh, I'm a danger
to myself and others ♫
(mimics hillbilly music)
- [Crow] Well, goodbye
forever. I mean, Dad.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Ohh, I'm drained.
- [Joel] Our first sauna, big time.
(groaning)
- [Crow] Looks like the
cave of Dr. Calamari.
(groaning)
- [Joel] I know, I know,
you get used to it.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] ♫ Offing an
alligator, living it up ♫
(wick burning)
- [Crow] Suck on that,
you darn son of a...
- [Joel] I pray I was adopted.
(birds chirping)
- [Tom] Well, honey, I
threw it under the boat
where it would do the most... ah!
- [Crow] Parking at the
swamp sure is convenient.
- [Joel] He's at it again, isn't he?
Sad, really.
- [Tom] Well, let's go get him.
(footsteps)
- [Crow] Come on, dummy.
Back to the home with you.
- [Tom] Now she's wearing
her beauty operator outfit.
- It should go any minute.
- [Joel] Yeah, right.
- [Crow] What a loon.
I'm not a loon.
(explosion)
- [Tom] Next week on MacGyver.
- [Joel] Everybody into the pool!
- [Crow] Well gee, it worked
on the gophers in my yard.
(foreboding music)
- [Joel] Huh?
(music swells)
- [Tom] That was Bob there!
Get it, Bob?
Sorry.
- [Crow] Well, let me tell you,
if I can take one dumb
thing back in my life...
- [Tom] I know what you mean.
- [Joel] Say, are those Bugle Boy jeans?
- [Tom] (yawn) I've seen better.
- Bring it down there, Gypsy.
You know, Silas, it's not
easy being a social misfit
and then getting the added responsibility
of dragging out in the
swamp for missing townsfolk,
and I can't even button my own shirt.
- [Tom] I hear ya, Gunther.
Isn't it amazing how we inferior types
keep getting asked to
do the dangerous work
that should go to men for stable than us?
Really is a miracle, hee hoo!
Hunter?
- Duh, yup, uh huh, wag nuts.
- What'd he say, Silas?
- I think what our bright young
friend's trying to say here
is the reason we three goofuses are asked
to do these hazardous tasks
outside the perimeters
of normal society's rationale is
we're a danger to ourselves and others.
- Aw, kinda reminds me of
Darwin's theory of natural selection.
- Yeah, if you're dumb, you die!
(laughter)
- That's a rich one there, Hunter.
- ♫ Oh, I'm a danger to myself and others
♫ My cousins are as close as brothers
♫ I stay out in the rain all the time
- ♫ He's a danger to himself and others
♫ Kinda likes shows with Sally Struthers
♫ I can't even think of a word that rhymes
♫ How dumb are you, Uncle Dad
♫ Well, pretty dumb, that's for sure
♫ How dumb are you, Uncle Dad
♫ Well this pot's filled with manure
♫ We're a danger to ourselves and others
♫ Save the Earth and steal our mothers
♫ Leave us in the woods
and we're just fine
♫ We're a danger to ourselves and others
♫ Good luck stuck with better lovers
♫ Hunting leech is what
we call a good time ♫
(explosion)
- Boy, oh boy!
I'd like to shake hands with any
giant leech that lived through that!
- What, the dynamite or that crappy song?
(banjo music)
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
(mimicking banjo music)
- [Tom] Good stuff.
- Walker's wife, why didn't
her body come to the surface?
- I don't know.
- [Crow] Maybe her shoes were too heavy.
- I think I better walk over
to the coroner's office.
- What's the matter, Mr. Benton?
Feel awkward about arresting
my father in his own home?
- [Tom] No.
- I warned him I'd arrest
him if he used dynamite.
- That was nice of you.
- [Joel] Geez, I don't get women.
- Well, the autopsy should be over by now.
(door opens)
- [Tom] Oh, hi, you got the
right to remain silent, and...
- I thought you'd be here.
- [Crow] I was wishing you weren't.
- I don't like to have to do this, Doctor.
- Do we have time for
a cup of coffee first?
- Sure.
- Fine, honey?
- No, I'll make some sandwiches.
- [Joel] I'll make some coffee sandwiches.
- [Crow] She's going to his
place to make sandwiches.
- [Tom] Ahh, you know liquor
makes everything right.
- [Joel] From the liquor council.
- [Crow] It's what your
body's thirsty for.
- All the good it'll do now.
- [Crow] Let me show you my appendix scar.
- Dave Walker didn't shoot Cal.
- [Joel] I'll get more coffee.
- Kovis tried to keep my out,
but I told him I'd raise a stink
they'd smell all the way to the capitol.
- [Tom] Don't doubt that, heh.
- What killed them, Doc?
- Not drowning.
Cal wasn't shot, either.
- [Crow] And he wasn't beat up by clowns.
- Every drop of blood was
drained out of their bodies.
- [Joel] Turns out I did it.
Funny, huh?
- And they had wounds on
their throats, suction wounds.
Like a gigantic leech bite.
- [Tom] Or a Hoover.
- And there's something
even more incredible.
- [Crow] I'm Skippy the chimp.
- Cal was supposed to have
been killed several days ago.
Sam and Reed had been
missing a matter of 48 hours.
All three of them, as far as we know,
were in that lake a minimum of two days.
Now I'd stake my reputation as a doctor...
- [Tom] Or what's left of it.
- Cal hadn't been dead more than
two or three hours before we found him.
The other two, less than that.
First stage rigor mortis
started in during the autopsy.
- But how could that be, Doc?
It's impossible.
- The coroner will confirm it.
- [Joel] Cigarette?
- Whatever killed them
is still in that lake,
and it's gonna take more
than dynamite to get it out.
- [Crow] I think we
should use my new A-bomb!
- The concussion from those charges
would've killed a full-grown whale.
- [Tom] That's it, we'll put
a full-grown whale down there.
- That explains how Cal
and and the others lived
after they were supposed to be drowned.
- What do you mean?
- This whole region is
riddled by caves and caverns
cut out by the ocean
thousands of years ago.
- [Joel] I love riddles.
- If there are caves above the water,
then there must be caves under the water.
- Go on.
- [Tom] No, make me.
- Mike and I had a chance to fool around
with some frogman equipment
captured from the Italian Navy.
- [Crow] And then we went
on to showgirl costumes.
- Prowled through a sunken
transport off Salerno.
- [Joel] Butter cookie?
- When the ship went down,
it trapped some air inside the hull.
We'd go down, come up
inside the officer's lounge,
take off our face masks, and sorta sample
some of the bottles floating around.
- [Tom] That's nice, is there
a point to your little story?
- It drove the guys crazy
trying to figure out
how we were getting the stuff.
- You mean you think that
there's an air pocket
or a cave underneath the lake?
- Right, gotta be.
How else could those people
have lived down there?
Not only that, it explains how
whatever it is down there
lived through the concussions.
- [Doc] Steve!
- [Tom] Steve!
Spock!
- Liz Walker.
- [Crow] I stood up too fast. Whoo!
- She might still be down there, alive.
- [Joel] But musty.
- [Crow] What?
(eerie music)
(groaning)
- [Tom] Calgon, take me away.
- [Crow] I think it did.
This must be the swimsuit
edition of Leech Illustrated.
- [Joel] A lick of paint,
some nice curtains,
this place would be okay.
- [Tom] Meanwhile, on Hollywood Boulevard.
- [Crow] We now return to Hawaii Five-0.
- [Joel] Looks like the
cameraman can't find the cast.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Skipper.
Now you bring the swamp to a rolling boil.
- [Joel] Hey, it looks
like the dad from Flipper.
(dolphin noises)
- [Tom] Hey, looks like the whole town
came out to watch them suit up.
- [Crow] Well, they
don't have a movie house.
- [Tom] Yup.
- [Steve] Comfortable?
- Yeah.
- [Joel] Make a nice living.
- You sure you don't want
me to go down for you, Mike?
You haven't had one of these
things on for a long time,
while me, every other day
I've been playing fish.
- [Tom] Remember the first
time we had one of these on?
(silence)
- If you ask me, they ought
to have their heads examined.
Giant leeches.
- [All] (groans)
- I'm willing to bet a month's pay
they don't come up with
nothing more than excuses.
- [Crow] Well I could use 10 bucks.
- Him, the doc, and his brat, too.
Just wait 'til I get on
the phone with the capitol.
I'll guarantee somebody will wish
they'd kept their nose out
of other people's business.
- [Joel] And out of my underwear drawer.
- [All] (groans)
- [Nan] Steve!
- [Tom] I'm going with you.
- Be careful, please.
- Don't worry, Mike will be
ready if anything goes wrong.
- Don't worry about Steve.
Now if he were going after barracuda,
you might have a tiny bit to worry about.
- [All] (mimic the music
of "Barracuda" by Heart)
- [Crow] Sure you don't want some coffee?
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] Goodbye,
Calgon. Goodbye, Skipper.
Sure hope those coconut
air tanks hold out.
- [Tom] They're dead. Goodbye!
They don't have a chance.
I'll see you later, good luck!
We'll drag them out tomorrow.
Good luck out there!
- [Crow] It's the star of Ralph Bellamy,
Ralph Bellamy, Ralph Bellamy.
(suspenseful music)
- [Joel] I see London, I see France,
I see little Steve-O's underpants.
(low growling)
- [Crow] Good news,
we're having fish today.
Heh heh, fish... sorry.
- No, no, please stay away.
- [Joel] No, you suck the life out of me.
I have nothing more to give.
- Please.
- Not exactly inviting, is it?
- Nah, it sure isn't.
- [Tom] Hey, let's just stay in the boat
and just eat sandwiches, okay?
- [Crow] And look, I'll spit
in my own mask this time.
(splash)
- [Joel] Right to the bottom.
Well, let's try the other one.
- [Tom] Geez, that's not deep.
It was filmed in Corman's swimming pool.
- [Joel] Darn fool kids.
- [Tom] Watch that end.
Oh, sorry.
- It'll stop anything up to a tiger shark.
But you gotta hit, misses don't count.
- Anything goes wrong,
just yank on the line
and I'll be down in a hurry.
- [Crow] And yank real hard,
I might have the radio on.
(dramatic music)
- [All] (groan)
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
(bubbles)
- [Tom] ♫ I'd like to be under the sea ♫
- [Joel] Huh, what's this?
It's a little mailbox
that reads, "I am Leech."
This must be his place, huh?
- [Crow] What a jerk.
(dramatic music)
(leech roaring)
(yanking)
- [Joel] Yank, yank, yank!
Hello, is this thing on?
Big thing!
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Uppies! I want uppies! (cries)
Oh, got a big one.
- [Crow] (gasps) Could
you hand me another spear?
- Sure you don't want me to go down
and finish it off for you, Steve?
- No, thanks, Mike.
I think I hurt it pretty bad.
- Careful now.
Anything that hurts is
ten times as dangerous.
- [Joel] Yeah, I'll figure
that out underwater, friend.
- He's wounded it!
He's gonna finish it off!
- [Tom] I'd start the grill if I were you!
- Does he have to go under again?
- He's got to make sure, honey.
- [Crow] This is what therapy's all about.
- Where could it have come from?
- I wish I knew.
We'll have to make some tests.
- [Tom] Like SAT?
- Maybe the proximity of Cape Canaveral's
got something to do with it.
- The rocket station?
- Well, they use atomic energy
in their first stages of launching.
Not all of them have been successful.
- You think innocent
animal life was close by.
Not close enough to be killed,
but close enough to feel the effects
of a radioactive energy that--
- A mutation.
A type of gigantism of some common animal.
- [Joel] (snoring)
- [Crow] Speaking of common animals,
how in the world is Steve getting on?
- I hope he's able to bring it up.
- [Tom] Heh, then I can bring my lunch up.
- [Joel] Let's go see what
Steve the jerk is up to.
- [Crow] Hey, I can't see.
(dramatic music)
(splashing)
- [Joel] I feel like I'm in Hef's grotto.
(groaning)
- [Tom] Whoop, there she goes.
Buh-bye now, heh, buh-bye.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Oh, I've sen this in Dementia 13.
(music swells)
- [Tom] I see London, I see France--
- [Joel] Hey, come on, she's dead.
- [Crow] Huh?
(music swells)
- [Tom] Hey, good job!
They found her.
(water sloshing)
- [Tom] I'll just put her on the stringer.
- That can't be Liz.
- [Joel] I don't remember Liz being dead
with giant hickeys on her cheeks.
- What could've done that?
- [Crow] Steven Tyler?
- Look at her face.
- [Tom] Maybe.
(bubbles)
- [Tom] The abyss.
- [Joel] Owie, I just got
such a big blood blister
and it's so nice and juicy
and I feel so naughty.
Oh, I sure hope a big
leech doesn't come around.
It would be just terrible.
- [Crow] Sucker!
Wait a minute, that's me. (laughs)
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Now it looks like a sea turtle.
(leech roaring)
(music swells)
- [Tom] Uh, think Liz will be
okay in that boat all alone?
- [Crow] Steve was in
trouble, I had to act fast.
I had to get my sons in the series.
(leech roaring)
- [Tom] Hey Ma, I'd like to
borrow your butcher knife, okay?
- [Joel] Wait a minute,
are there two of them now?
I don't get what's going on.
- [Crow] Oh, it's a mess.
- [Tom] It's confusing.
Doesn't matter, huh?
Don't touch him, that's my pal!
- [Crow] He's trying
to stab the camera man.
Did you see that?
(bubbles)
- [Tom] Not me, you idiot.
The leech, the leech!
- [Joel] So there's two of you, huh?
Come on, come on, I've
sucked blood from guys
bigger than the both of you.
- [Tom] Then it was back to the lodge
for a smooth Canadian Club.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Oh, it's a manatee.
- [All] (groans)
- I've been around here for years.
I never saw nothing like that.
- [Crow] I'm a professional skeptic.
- [Joel] Tommy Bartlett invites
you to ride the wild leech.
- [Tom] Come on, let's all ride him!
- [Crow] David Jensen?
- [Tom] Might wanna
measure her and weight her.
I think she's a keeper.
She's a record, alright.
- [Joel] Whoop, there goes Liz.
(water sloshing)
- [Tom] Hey, I'll have
to go diving more often.
I'll carry her.
- [Crow] No, I'll carry her.
- [Tom] I'll carry here.
- [Joel] I'll get her.
- [Tom] And what of Emily
and her love for Chad?
And what of the hair on Chuck's chest?
Stay tuned.
- [Joel] Epilogue.
(birds chirping)
- [Crow] Who's this guy,
a roadie from Sea Hunt?
- [Joel] Wish I would've thought of that.
(whistles)
- [Tom] Anytime now!
- They must be licking their wounds.
(slurping sounds)
- Sure you used enough
stuff to do the job, Mike?
- I used 100 sticks of 40%.
- [Joel] Enough to kill all of us.
- Alright, let her go.
- Oh, no, I've done
enough of your dirty work.
Help yourself.
- [Tom] No, I'm not
falling for that old one.
- [Joel] Let's see, how do
you work this old thing?
Let's see if my memory
serves me correctly.
(explosion)
- [Joel] Blew my blanket clean off!
(foreboding music)
- [All] One.
- [Tom] Well I'll be
hogtied in the backroom
with a big old...
- [Joel] Fish fry tonight.
- [All] Two.
- [Tom] I'd hoped that'd be more exciting.
Well let's go back to town...
Oh wait, there is no town.
- [Joel] Now who's
hungry for blood sausage?
Just kidding! (laughs)
- [Crow] Well I'm gonna miss him.
Now we gotta go hang out
at the grocery store again.
- [Tom] (yawns)
- [Joel] I feel empty.
Kind of a letdown, really.
- [Tom] But for the lowly detonator...
- [Joel] Oh, lost your head.
- [Tom] My head! Grab it!
- [Crow] Gotta figure out
how this is gonna end here.
(low growling)
- There we go.
- Joel, I can't help but feel
that that film was flawed in certain ways.
- What do you mean by that?
- I don't know.
I guess I just felt that Corman failed
to deliver on concepts and ideas promised
as in films like Viking
Women and the Sea Serpent.
- You know, I had problems
with it, too, Joel.
I can't figure out if
those leech creatures
were smart or just big dumb monsters.
- Well, they were smart
enough to take hostages.
- Yeah, that's right.
When that drunk poacher
fingered one of the leeches,
they sent a contract man out to kill him.
- Yeah, so maybe they kept
everybody busy at the swamp
while they went into town and
stole everybody's antiques.
- I don't know if they were that smart.
I mean, let's remember
they did get caught.
I think they just went
on killing and killing
until it was all about killing
and it wasn't about fun anymore.
- Knowing what I know,
I guess that they're
smarter than a sea turtle
but dumber than Danish
physicist Niels Bohr.
- Yeah, like I can see them going
to four of the Police Academy movies
before they stopped shelling out the dough
and waiting for them to
come out on Showtime.
- They're the kind of
leeches that would probably
think of Chili's as their
favorite restaurant,
and it would never really dawn on them
that it was a chain.
- Or they'd be the type
to watch paid programming
and never figure out that it was an ad.
(laughs)
- Well this is a lot of fun, you guys,
but I think it's time to read a letter.
Let's put this up on still store, Cambot.
This one comes from a...
Jean A. Dawn, and she writes,
"Dear Joel, I am positively
crazy about your show.
"When I can find it on TV,
I tape it and play it over
"so I don't miss any of
your sarcastic remarks.
"I keep recommending your
show to everyone I can.
"Everyone who is lucky
to catch it loves it.
"PS: I'm 59 years old, and I've never
"written a fan letter in my life."
Well thank you, Jean A. Dawn.
- Oh, bless you Jean.
- Jean A. Dawn.
- Nice life goal.
- Jeaninging.
What do you think, sirs?
(slurping sounds)
- Oh, sorry, Frank.
I left the leech on too long.
(pop)
Well, Frank...
Frank?
Well, now that you've sucked
all the blood out of Frank,
what are you gonna do now?
- Oh, write, produce,
be as creative as I can.
- Have you thought about
the mad scientist game?
- Ha, don't get me started.
You know, I got some ideas.
Maybe we can do lunch?
- Sure!
- You think you could pick it up?
I'm, uh, flat busted.
- You know, I'd really
love to produce you.
I had this concept of
maybe we could go into...
(power down)
(keyboard music)
♫ Next Sunday AD
♫ There was a guy named Joel
♫ Not too different from you or me
♫ He worked at Gizmonic Institute
♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuit
♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place
♫ But his bosses didn't like
him so they shot him into space
(engines thrusting)
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst we can find, la la la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ And we'll monitor his mind, la la la
♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end, la la la
♫ Because he used those special parts
♫ To make his robot friends
(mechanical whirring)
♫ If you're wondering
he how eats and breaths
♫ And other science facts, la la la
♫ Then repeat to yourself
it's a just a show
♫ I should really just relax
♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫
- Did I show you guys my magical,
whimsical squirting flower?
- Yes, about a gazillion times!
- Aw, well did I show you my rash?
- No!
(Joel groans)
- Don't do it, please!
- Hi everybody, welcome
to Satellite of Love.
My name's Joel Robinson.
About three weeks ago, I set up
this holo clown sequence
here to cheer up the bots,
but now I can't get it to turn off
and it's getting hard to sleep at night
and I'm tasting metal.
- Help us.
- Hey little girl, would
you like a salted nut roll?
(screams)
- Joel! Joel! Joel!
(screams)
- Why are you yelling?
Shut up, shut up!
You think I like it being
stuck in limbo with you?
No!
Get on your orange and yellow knees
and kiss my clown feet
that I haven't killed you.
- Joel this is getting weird.
You gotta do something!
- I'm working on it.
- [Robotic woman's voice]
Joel, do something.
I hate those clowns,
and I don't even exist.
- That's the one.
- Joel Robinson, don't you do that!
Don't you do that!
- I have to do this!
- Don't you do that!
(all screaming)
- [Robotic woman's voice]
Commercial sign-out.
- Well, let's not do that again.
- No, sir.
- We'll be right back.
(Mystery Seience Theater 3000 theme)
- Clowns are raining down.
Here the scream of the grease paint.
Danger, clown puddles.
- Nice haiku, Tom, very good.
Crow, you're next.
- Oh, the Captain and
Tennille are calling.
- Ah, Robinson, Servo, Mr. T Robot.
Our invention this week is inspired
by today's experiment,
Attack of the Giant Leeches.
In ye olden times, alchemists believed
that leeches served medicinal purposes.
- So do we.
- Yes, we found that the
common fresh water leech
can serve the same purpose
as a nicotine patch,
and being neither food nor drug,
there's no pesky FDA regulation
to impede your progress
and I can experiment at will.
Frank?
- At your service.
- Our subject Frank has been trying
to quit smoking for quite some time.
He's a three pack a day man.
- No I'm not.
- Yes you are, shut up.
Now this leech, we'll call him Patches.
- Gah!
- When applied to the neck and head area,
will suck any desire
to smoke out of Frank.
- No, no, no!
I'm the sum of my vices.
I am my pain, my happiness, my losses,
my love, my struggles,
my hobbies, my Lanta!
I want to live, I want to live!
I want to live and love
and learn and live!
- But this won't hurt a bit.
- Okay.
- There you go.
Now, Patches, I'm
depending on you, you slug.
- Say, this is the most
action I've gotten--
- Frank!
Back to you, Joel.
- Well, sirs, as you
know, puberty is that time
when childhood crosses that
mighty threshold to adulthood.
Kids can't wait for it to start
and grownups can't wait for it to leave.
It's spring time for your body,
and you're about to bloom
into beautiful flora.
But as you know, being an
adolescent is time consuming,
and that's why we came up with this.
The Satellite of Love
Insty Adolescent Kit.
- Yeah, why waste your
teendom in torturous flux
when those funny feelings downstairs
can be taken care of in a jiffy?
Get ready!
You'll have to start showering daily
as sebaceous oil included in the kit
does double duty on your
scalp, face, and under arms.
- And my back too, yuck!
- Yeah, and don't forget
the octaves you'll encompass
when you finally encounter our
minty fresh hormonal spray.
- Hello, Suzy.
Wanna go to the Snow Day's dance with me?
- And that's when your
face turns beet red,
but it's okay 'cause Suzy won't notice
because you'll be covered with pimples.
Yuck!
- You guys just don't understand me.
- That's right, now that you're a teen,
the most innocent remarks
by friends and family
will be construed as personal attacks.
- Oh, what's that supposed to mean?
- Well fortunately, each kit comes
with it's own personal retort cards
with comebacks like,
"You just have no clue."
"Who was in my room?"
and "You guys are so phony."
- Oh, you're not the boss of me.
- Hey but there's more.
Mood pills.
Yes, you'll span the emotional globe
when you experience everything
from mild nausea and persistent dread
to ecstatic feelings of immortality.
- What do you think, I'm
being stupid and stuff?
- All this in one afternoon.
- I don't care any more.
Great but I still don't have my license.
- Listen, Mister, if you don't like it,
you can stay in a hotel down the street.
What do you think, sirs?
- Jerk.
- Very amusing, Joel.
But lets not forget why you're up there.
To watch really bad movies.
And now, a Dr. Clayton
Forester presentation,
Attack of the Giant Leeches.
- Oh, you're doing homework alright.
- Like I'm supposed to care.
- Look at what you did to your mother.
(alarm)
Oh, we got movie sign!
- I don't care!
You're not my father, you know.
- [Joel] Oh yeah?
♫ Behold, submariner.
♫ King of the sea for favor of Atlantis
♫ is a prince of the deep. ♫
- [Tom] Oh look, it's the
Embassy Football All-stars.
They played USC today.
- [All] ♫ Hey, it's the Undersea Kingdom
♫ for you and for me and it's fine. ♫
- [Tom] (sings William Tell overture)
- [Crow] Looks like rush
hour on Spaghetti Junction.
- [Tom] Oh, it's all wirly twirly, ooh!
(dramatic music)
Oh it's Ben Hur, I've seen this before.
- [Joel] Oh.
Hey, hey, you guys!
You know where you're going?
Ah, I thought so.
- [Crow] No, back this way, come on.
- [Tom] Had no clue, did they?
G. Alanman Brewing Company,
La Crosse, Wisconsin.
- [Joel] When in Las
Vegas, visit Excalibur.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Beneath the Ocean Floor.
It's all full of mildew down there.
- [Joel] Let's go gather
around the water cooler.
- [Crow] We are the water cooler.
- [Joel] Oh, I love that one.
- [Tom] Annapolis a day
keeps the doctoris away.
- [Group] ♫ We're walking
really really fast.
♫ We're walking really really fast. ♫
- [Crow] Congratulations,
soldier, go out and kill.
Oh, here, one for you.
Congratulations, go out and kill.
- [Tom] Oh.
- How about it, Doc,
do you think I'll live?
- You look kind of weak and puny,
but I think you'll through.
- [Joel] I'm kidding of course.
You're one of the finest specimens
to ever come through here.
- Thank you sir.
- [Tom] Next.
- Great chap.
I wish we had more like him.
- [Crow] Ah keep your mind on your work.
You're in enough trouble as it is.
- To bad this is his last year.
- He'll make a grand naval officer.
- [Tom] He'll make several of them.
- [Joel] Hey, he's posing
for a Wheaties box.
(screams)
- [Tom] That was close.
(squishing sounds)
- [Crow] I am the God of hellfire!
- [Joel] All these people are dead now.
Isn't that weird?
- [Tom] Think about it.
Oh no. A football game has
broken out, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't know what to make of it.
- [Joel] This makes me lonesome
for my old electric football game.
- [Tom] Aw.
(crowd noises)
- [Crow] It's Good Humor Man Day today.
- [Joel] What are those lab
technicians doing on the field?
- Go to Smith, it's reversed to Morgan...
- [Crow] Oh look.
- Here's the pull back, knocks him down...
- [Tom] Looks like they're
playing in chocolate.
It's the Hershey Bowl.
(squishing sounds)
(crowd cheering)
- [Crow] You know, in the future,
people will pay to see women do this.
- [Tom] Ooh.
- [Joel] Take it back.
My sister does not swim
towards troop ships.
- [Crow] Oh, smooth... (coughs)
Ten hut!
- [Group] ♫ Girl I'd like to
know where you got the notion
♫ Oh I'd like to know
where you got the notion ♫
- [Tom] ♫ I'd like to know
where you got the lotion ♫
Hey!
- I gotta see Lieutenant
Corrigan right away.
- [Soldier] You can't go in
there, it's against orders.
- But I tell ya I gotta see him.
It's important.
- [Joel] I'm his son, he
doesn't know about me yet.
- Even if I let you in, you couldn't talk
with the Lieutenant now, he's busy.
- [Crow] Nice shoes.
- Alright.
- [Crow] (laughs) Little jerk.
- [Joel] Wow, jeepers, hot dog!
- [Crow] And everywhere,
the smell of men enjoying themselves.
(sniffs)
Oh, oh!
(coughs)
- [Joel] Uh-oh.
- [Crow] Oh, I'll show them.
I'm gonna jump off.
- [Tom] No, don't do it!
- [Joel] And now, back
to man with little pants.
(grunts)
- [Joel] ♫ Oh she came in
though the bathroom window. ♫
(grunts)
- [Crow] Uh-oh, he's having an episode.
- Good work, Jimmy!
- [Tom] Jimmy Smits.
- Don't let him throw ya.
- [Joel] Give him a wedgie!
- [Tom] Purple Herman, woo, wet willy!
- [Crow] It was.
(grunts)
Let's go down the slide like this, wee!
- Hold him!
- [Tom] You know there's
something sick about this, guys.
- [Joel] Yeah, I call it history, Tom.
- [Crow] Victory at sea.
- Now you got him, Crash.
Give him the airplane stand.
- [Joel] Good idea, kid!
Why didn't I think of that?
(dramatic music)
- Billy!
- [Tom] Don't be a hero!
- [Crash] Hold tight!
- [Crow] Don't need that.
- [Tom] Hey!
- Hold it!
(monkey sounds)
- [Crow] Ah, just save
the kid, stop showing off.
- [Tom] That's what happens when you spend
a lot around sailors, you know?
- [Joel] Thank God they built
this place like a jungle gym.
- [Tom] Here, Billy, let
me close the window first.
- Let go, Billy, I've got ya.
- [Joel] Give us Baradas!
- [Joel] Here, catch him, you mugs.
- [Crow] Ah, you got acne
all over your back, yuck!
- [Tom] Hey, kid, feel free to take
your heel out of my groin.
- [Joel] Now somebody's gotta save me.
- [Tom] Doh!
(violin music)
- [Joel] Thanks, friend.
- Hold tight, Billy.
- [Crow] Augh, not that tight. (chokes)
- [Tom] Yay, woo.
Tada!
(cheers)
- I thought the kid was a goner.
- What were you doing up there?
- Dad sent me over to get you,
but they wouldn't let me in.
- Has he had another earthquake warning?
- Yeah, he wants you to come right over.
- Wait until I get into my clothes.
I'm going over to Professor
Norton's laboratory.
- [Tom] Oh no, just put on a sarong.
That'll be all you need.
- [Woman] What you say
is very interesting, Professor Norton.
- [Crow] But stupid.
- This little machine
can predict earthquakes.
- Not only predicts, but prevents them.
- [Joel] And it makes toast.
- Ah, there you are, Lieutenant.
The signals are coming in much stronger.
- [Joel] Oh, the earth just moved for me.
- And this is Miss Compton,
staff writer of the Times.
- Everybody knows Crash Corrigan.
- [Tom] Everybody digs Dill Evans. So?
- [Joel] Answer unclear, ask again.
(electronic buzzing)
- [Tom] Popcorn's ready.
- [Crow] And it makes three
different kinds of gelati.
- It's that signal again.
They've been sending
it every five minutes.
- They? Just what do you mean by they?
- [Tom] Comedy central.
- Professor Norton
maintains that these signals
must be the work of some human agency,
apparently coming from
the bottom of the ocean.
- [Joel] Oh, the William Wall sages.
- I hope you're not
spinning that fantastic yarn
about the lost continent of Atlantis.
- Exactly, only now I have
some definite evidence.
- [Crow] Let me get in my
costume and tell you about it.
Now pretend I'm a swarthy pirate.
- This is pure orichalcum.
- [Joel] No I'm not!
- A metal made by fusing gold and copper.
The secret of this process
was lost with the Atlantians.
- What does that prove?
- Well, according to every test,
the idol couldn't be more
than a couple of years old,
something made recently.
I found it during a recent trip I made
in my rocket submarine
in this general location.
- [Crow] You have a rich
inner life, don't you?
- The ancient continent
of Atlantis was reported
to have sunk thousands of years ago.
Contrary to popular belief,
Atlantis did not sink overnight,
but during a period of years.
- [Tom] That's great, Gramps.
Get the medication!
- To construct a roof of orichalcum
over the city and keep out the ocean.
- [Joel] Ah, film's melting!
Oh, it's a better world.
- [Tom] Xanadu, stately underwater home
of Charles Foster Kane.
Cost? No fish can say.
- [Crow] It's a Denver Pyle statue.
- [Guard] I beg of you to
take safety in the citadel.
- Poseidon, guard of Atlantis,
has never forsaken his
people in time of need.
- [Tom] Jiffy Pop's ready.
- I promise you, he will not do so now.
- [Joel] Imperial.
- Surely, we have broken the cover
of this evil usurper,
Unga Khan.
- [Joel] Oh no, the king's
command is gonna make us
pretend we were in The
Rockettes again, run!
(dramatic music)
It's the 1968 Chrysler Mariback.
(siren)
- [Crow] Fondue!
- Our men are outnumbered.
The city is about to fall.
- [Tom] Yeah, Mayor Dinkins
just ain't cutting it, is he?
(dramatic music)
Say...
♫ Me and my shadow
walking down the avenue ♫
- [Joel] Meh, must be Monday.
- [Crow] Hm, traffic lights must be out.
- [Tom] Yup.
You believe this crap?
Unreal.
- [Crow] Hey, look, dung beetles.
(shouting)
I don't want that.
(thunk)
- [Tom] He was my favorite.
(explosion)
- [Crow] Ken just exploded, sir.
(explosion)
- [Joel] They bomb horses, don't they?
(reverse signal)
- [Tom] He's backing up.
- [Crow] There's a bomb
going into the air shaft.
(explosion)
- [Joel] This place looks
like a bomb just hit it... oh.
(spaceship engine sounds)
- [Crow] Jane, I'm home!
- [Joel] David Crosby, no!
(sniff)
- Sharad's army has been driven
within the walls of the sacred city.
- Good, recall the troops.
If those religious
fanatics donate control,
I'll have no more interference
with my plans to destroy the upper world.
- [Crow] Heh, you are
really something, Boss.
I think this is your year.
- [Joel] Your hat's very
creative today, Kyle.
- When you do succeed at selling
to the bottom of the sea,
Atlantis will rise once more
to its former place in the sun,
and you will be ruler of all things.
- Start the Disintegrator!
- [Joel] Duh, okay.
- [Tom] Go finish your
giant Rolaid first, sir.
(gags)
Oh look, here's Daniel in the lion's den,
this clown's making chains,
this is a giant Welch's
grape jelly machine,
and I'm out of here!
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Goodnight now!
- [Crow] It's the camera
crew from Real Life.
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] Set it for stun.
- [Tom] Let's play some metal, woo!
- [Crow] You clinking,
clanking, clattering
collection of caliginous junk!
- [Joel] Oh look, he's
packing a tummy massager.
(crumbling)
- [All] ♫ The night Chicago died
♫ Chicago died
♫ Brother, what a night the people saw ♫
- [Newscaster] Red Cross
is beginning to document
submissions leading to rushing
supplies into the area.
- [Crow] You in there?
- [Tom] Sold American.
- [Newscaster] Martial
law is rushing a militia
to the scenes of the disaster.
- [Tom] Now on the lighter
side of the news...
- Saint Clair?
That's only 300 miles from here.
- Yes, and according to my calculations,
another severe shock
will occur any moment.
- [Joel] Dang.
- Put that contracting machine
in a submarine right away.
- [Tom] Duh, okay.
- You're going down to
try to stop this quake?
What a story this will make for my paper!
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
- [Joel] Troy Tempest,
phones equal Stingray.
- [Crow] Great lady down for cocktail.
- Professor Norton.
- [Tom] Norton, get in here.
Oh, you're getting in here.
- I don't know.
We're on a level keel, but
we're being dragged down
by some mysterious force.
- [Joel] The plot?
(motor running)
- [Crow] We're out of baking soda, sir.
- [Joel] This sub is powered by Fizzies.
(bubble noises)
- [Crow] I want to take
us down to 20,000 leagues.
- [Tom] Meanwhile, in
young Billy's bathtub.
- [Crow] Billy Bathtub,
what a terrible movie.
- [Tom] No, no, Crow.
- [Joel] Check it out,
there are fish out there.
- [Crow] Sea.
- [Tom] They got a Genie automatic
garage door picker-upper.
- [Joel] That's a Swiss Army joke.
- [Tom] Sorry.
- They're in the tunnel.
- Bring them up through the Inland Sea.
- [Crow] Do you think
I'm losing weight, sir?
- [Joel] When in Coral Gables, Florida,
visit Crash Corrigan Cove.
- We're on the surface, I can see land.
- [Tom] Captain Billy.
- Impossible.
According to the depth indicator,
we're still some 10,000 feet down.
- [Tom] I think they give
that kid too much freedom.
- [Crash] That's land, alright.
We're moving into a small inlet.
- [Joel] Yup, that's land, I've
seen it before, definitely.
- [Crow] Wait a minute.
I think we're on the Pirates
of the Caribbean ride.
- [Tom] Big sub.
- Gee, we're on the surface.
- [Tom] I knew Colonel Kurtz was close.
He's real close.
- [Crow] He knows Scotty.
(bumbling noises)
- Call out the imperial guard.
- [Crow] And kill the dorky
guy, I hate comic relief.
(beeping)
- [Tom] That you're beeper?
- [Crow] Nope.
- [Tom] Well it's not me, I don't think.
- Imperial to stable.
- I command that his
supreme majesty Unga Khan,
the detachment of the imperial guard
will proceed at once to the Inland Sea
and capture the stranger
from the upper world.
- [Crow] Put your skirt down.
- Aboard, quickly!
Number one patrol, huh?
- Number one patrol, prepare to move out!
- [Joel] That's us, boys, come on.
It's time for the big Hawaiian number.
Hey, come on, everybody.
- [Crow] Hey, it's the
Ponderosa under the sea.
- [Joel] You know what, I
think that's a Mac page.
- [Tom] We now join Fitzcarraldo,
already in progress.
(war cries)
They running over somebody?
- [Crow] Yee-hah!
- [Joel] This looks like a fine place
to set down my pasty white bottom.
- [Crow] Well, they're certainly
well dressed for adventure.
- Here we are, 10,000
feet below sea level.
- [Tom] And me without my rubbers.
- Apparently in another world.
- [Crow] Hey, he's being
followed by Michael Nesmith.
- [Joel] Hey, did you know
my mom invented liquid paper?
(parrot cawing)
- [Tom] Toki, toki!
- Submerge the submarine while
we investigate this place.
- [Tom] Alright.
(foreboding music)
- [Joel] Hey, did you
remember to close the hatch?
- [Crow] Well, remember
where we parked, everyone.
We're in the giraffe lot.
- We have to hide the control box.
- Now there's a good place.
- Yes, that'll do.
- You think we better
wait for Briny and Salty?
- [Tom] Briny and Salty,
the Pretzel twins.
- Do you want us to catch the parrot?
(galloping)
- [Crow] Hey, everybody!
Here's where the two roads
diverge into a yellow wood.
- [Tom] Take the one less traveled.
- [Joel] That is one sweet chariot.
- [Crow] Shirley Maclaine.
- [Tom] No, we are lost, R2.
(whistles)
- [All] Owie, ouch,
ouch, ouch, stingy, ouch.
- [Tom] Shouldn't they be riding
side-saddle in those skirts?
- [Crow] Some of them are.
(galloping)
(whistles)
- [Crow] No, you go that way.
You'll be breaking down in no time.
(whistles)
- [Joel] Hey, it's the 34
horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ouch, stingy, ouch, that burns, ouch.
Hey, check it out, it says
Bill Shatner was here.
- [Tom] Great, they're letting
Jay North lead the pack here.
(suspenseful music)
- Look, Dad!
- [Crow] How come they all
turned when he said Dad?
- Unless my calculations are wrong,
we've come across the lost
continent of Atlantis.
- [Tom] I'd say your
calculations are wrong.
- [Diane] It must be a mirage.
- [Crow] No, the Mirage is on the Strip.
- What is that?
(galloping)
- [Joel] And around the clubhouse turn
is Apartment House With Plenty of Room
with Bird Droppings on the
Rail coming around the bend.
- [Tom] Oh, look, this is what
starts those chain accidents.
- That's no illusion.
- [Joel] It's a world of illusion.
- Look, soldiers!
(galloping)
- [Crow] Wait there, we're
coming to attack you.
- Keep out of sight.
Until we find out if
they're friends or enemies.
- [Tom] If they kill me,
they're probably enemies.
(suspenseful music)
- [Joel] Uh, taxi, I say, taxi!
(music swells)
- Capture him!
- [Crow] Gah! He's a real diplomat.
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] Get him, girls, he hit Buddy!
(straining)
- [Tom] Hey, get this, I can
see up Trent's skirt from here.
- [Crow] Okay, hand me up that horse.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Uh-oh.
I got a crazy idea,
but it just might work.
- [Joel] No way they're gonna pants me
and make me one of them!
(galloping)
- [Tom] Well I never rid a horsey before.
- He's escaping.
- Head out to check him out.
- [Tom] Enough said, live to surf.
(slow circus music)
(galloping)
- [Crow] Wait, we need that horse.
- You sure fooled them this time, Crash.
- Let's get back to the submarine.
- But the villagers, what about them?
- I'll tell you later,
there's no time to lose.
- Hurry, Diana!
- [All] Hurry, Diana!
- [Joel] Well around about that time,
the Duke boys did a little body
work on the old General Lee.
- [Tom] ♫ Hot blooded, check it and see ♫
- [All] (sing Batman theme)
- Some sort of a war tank.
- [All] Oh, I see...
A war tank?!
- [Joel] Excuse me, have
you seen any Earthlings?
- Steady.
- [Tom] Hold me!
- [Crow] Okay, boys, delouse them.
(gunshot)
- [Tom] Oh, right in the nostril.
(gunshot)
- [Joel] Fissure, fissure.
- They're not human!
- [Tom] Uh, yeah, we noticed.
Stop, wait, come back.
(explosion)
(robotic sounds)
(splat)
- [All] ♫ I'm a little
teapot, short and stout
♫ This is my handle, this is my gun
♫ One is for pouring, one is for fun ♫
- [Tom] (laughing) Pretty good.
(explosion)
- [Joel] Doh!
(explosion)
- [Tom] Moses.
Silly string!
(screaming)
- [Crow] Geez, lady, scream
in someone else's ear.
- [Tom] Really.
- You two get behind that rock.
- [Joel] Count up by ones, everyone.
- [All] One...
- [Tom] Here, Billy, you draw there fire.
- [Joel] Diane!
- The strangers have escaped...
- [Crow] I hate when they
talk during the movie... oh.
(dramatic music)
- Alas, the invisible ray
gun will soon stop them.
(static)
- [Joel] That's not very invisible.
- [Tom] I can see it.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Alright, Billy,
when I throw you off here,
flap your arms like crazy.
- Start the Disintegrator!
- [Joel] GE, we bring
good things to death.
(zapping)
(rumbling)
- [Tom] You know, I like Meg
Ryan in this role better.
(rumbling)
- [Joel] Well, this is it.
Looks like I'm gonna be
forced to push you off, Billy.
- [Tom] Hit them in the mouth?
Oh no, they're shooting hot dogs at them.
- [Crow] (laughs) Hold
the mustard on that one.
- [Joel] Admiral, deploy
the cheddar wurst.
- [Tom] Oh no!
- Boom.
(explosion)
(rumbling)
- Oh, wow, blindsided by another short.
Are you guys okay?
- Ah, don't worry, Joel.
I'm feeling no unusual effects from it.
Isn't that right, Billy?
That's right, Crow.
- That's really nice, Crow.
You know, Joel, for the life of me,
I can't understand the
appeal of these old serials.
- Well that's no big
mystery, my little fire plug.
You see, they actually have
kind of a historic quality.
If it's in the 1930s,
and you're interested in
taking over the world,
you gotta get gussied up to beat the man.
- No kidding, just look at the
elaborately flamboyant costumes
the bad guys were gadding about in.
Togas, electric helmets,
dance belts, fascist underoos.
- Exactly, and I thought it'd be fun,
as a thought experiment, for you guys
to tell me how you would dress up
if you were gonna take over the world.
- Oh, you know, I'd bronze my skin,
put on 40 pounds, and
dress like Bea Arthur.
- I'd wear a Lone Ranger mask
and a swimsuit made of string cheese.
- Good idea, very thoughtful.
Okay, say you've got your costume.
What would your caper be?
I mean, what would you do
to take over the world?
- I'd freeze all the world's oceans.
But then, I guess that means
I'd have to dress like Dick Button.
- I'd send California
tumbling into the ocean.
The Atlantic Ocean.
After showering, tauk, and changing
into my Frito Bandito costume.
- I see, well once you've
taken over the world,
what would you do then?
- Oh! I'd turn all those little Pose Me
into the boy in the plastic
bubble for obvious reasons.
- I'd declare March, Liza Month!
- Woo!
- Well, it's fun to dream, you know.
But you can bet that
anybody seriously interested
in world domination is gonna end up
looking like a real Snickerdoodle.
- What's that supposed to mean?
I'll deal with you later.
Back to the drill, Frank.
You will bow down before
me, Son of Jor-El.
Bow down!
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Looks like an E.
E. Cummings book cover.
(eerie music)
- [Joel] Type setting by Smith Corona.
- [Tom] Hoo!
(Joel laughs)
Neat, huh?
- [Crow] I'll have a Dick
Rubin, hold the sauerkraut.
- [Joel] Ryder Ren Sound Services.
- [Tom] Laszlo also brings
you a fine line of cosmetics
for aging socialites, and social x-rays.
- [All] Hey, Roger Corman! Woo!
- [Joel] Huh, I wonder if they're related.
- [Tom] Oh, no.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Hmm, a title
sequence named Desire.
- [Tom] Stella!
- [Joel] Then folks started paying
for their groceries with old cars.
Nothing you could do about it.
- [Tom] Nope.
- [Crow] This looks like the right side
of the wrong side of the tracks.
(bell ringing)
- [All] Norm!
(laughter)
- Now wait a minute, wait a minute.
- [Tom] That was a Hee
Haw writing session.
- [Crow] So I was thinking Lulu
could pop up behind some corn.
- [Joel] Now that's funny.
- Liz!
- [Joel] Is more.
- You hear me, girl?
- [Tom] Tell old Jerry Lee
to hold it down in there.
(footsteps)
- [Crow] Aye, who's the new girl?
- [Tom] Lolita!
- What do you want now?
- [Crow] Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
- [Tom] Yeah, Crest!
- You gotta play that thing so loud?
What'd you come out like this for?
- [Tom] Oral?
- Don't bother me.
- Liz.
- [Crow] I wonder if they
have back porch on that place.
- Some day, I'm gonna give that she-cat
the whopping she's been asking for.
- [All] Boo!
- Let them know who wears
the pants around here.
- [Joel] Yeah, and who wears
the stupid-looking hat.
- Be back in a minute.
- [Crow] Heh, good one, Ed,
I gotta give you that one.
- Come back there, I'll lend you a jug.
She'll be doing it.
(laughs)
- [Joel] Ha ha, I soiled myself.
- Tell us about that thing you killed
out there at the swamp, will ya?
(indistinguishable)
- [Tom] Maybe we should
have subtitles for this.
- I put five slugs into that
critter before it went under.
- [Crow] Then I had a few slugs myself.
And then I went under.
- Had regular arms on it like a man.
- [Tom] But made for a woman.
- Sorta different looking,
had suckers on them.
- [Joel] Tootsie Pop, I think.
- Like one of them...
Like one of them octopuses.
- [Crow] That's octopi, actually.
- Boy, it was plum awful-looking.
- Man, you sure that critter wasn't pink?
(laughs)
- [Crow] Shut up, Bruce.
- I told you before, it
was sorta gray-looking.
- [Tom] You gotta check
with String Bean to laugh?
- Well, laugh if you want.
- [Joel] Ha.
- But that thing weren't
nothing nature put out there.
No sir, and it weren't
no freak gator, neither.
- [Crow] Maybe it was the rocket
fuel you've been drinking.
- I've been poaching in
this country for 40 years
and I ain't never seen nothing like it.
- [Joel] Uh, that's a double negative.
- Too bad you didn't bring it back.
Steve Benton'd probably
pay a fair bounty for it,
whatever it was.
- Bounty?
I wouldn't touch that critter
for all the money ever made.
- [Tom] 10 bucks?
- And if you'd seen it,
you wouldn't, neither.
- You better take it easy on the stuff.
You looking kinda taken.
- [Joel] Oh, this is an intervention.
- [Tom] Shucks, it's just tobacco juice.
- I'm gonna clean my otter
lines out before morning.
- [Crow] No! Not in front of us, please!
- I think that critter's a
ghost of one of those otters
you've been poaching all these years,
coming back to haunt you.
(laughs)
- [Joel] Our joy, Crow's friend.
- Well if that's so, you fellers
will see it right quick yourselves.
- [Tom] Yeah, that's great.
When you get near a sentence, let us know.
(yawn)
- [Crow] Do you really think
this loitering is good for business?
(grunts)
- [Joel] This sitting
around plum wore me out.
- [Crow] The Hooterville Seven.
- [Tom] I think she knows
how to scratch an itch.
- [Joel] Ordinary pantyhose
are okay under funky clothes,
but gentlemen prefer Hanes.
- [Tom] Pete Fountain.
(distant laughter)
- [Crow] Quit wearing my things.
- [Joel] Boss Hog, after dark.
- Look, it's not like I wanna be mean
or anything like that, Liz, baby.
But I got a reputation around here.
- [Crow] As a big fat insensitive guy?
- No respect for a man who
lets his woman boss him.
Next thing you know,
they'll be laughing at me.
- [Tom] Then I'd have to
go on a shooting spree.
- Won't you please
listen to me, Liz, baby?
Liz?
- [Joel] I'm not hearing you, la la la...
♫ Hot child in the city ♫
- [Tom] Sir, my name's
not Liz, it's Blanch.
(seductive music)
I love it when she puts it on there.
I just like the smell.
- [Crow] Liz, honey, you think
you could lose some weight?
- [Joel] You know, she's gonna sharpen
those calf muscles with those heels.
(seductive music)
- Stop looking at me like that.
- I'll look at you any way
I want, you're my wife.
- [Joel] Man, I do
wonder what it'd be like
to make love to you, though.
- [Crow] No, don't do that, lady!
- [Tom] It's okay.
Oh, Mommy!
- [Joel] Honey West.
- [Crow] Joel, I thought
underwear was supposed to match.
- Who do you think you're talking to?
"Don't touch me." You're my wife.
I'll touch you any time I feel like it.
- [Crow] You must have
a real good personality.
- [Joel] Can I call you sometime?
- Where you going?
(piano music)
- [Tom] A fellow named Humbert
Humbert wants to see me.
- Where you going?
- I'm going out.
- [Joel] To church.
- Maybe I'll be back, maybe I won't.
- Liz, baby.
- [Crow] Do I have to guess?
Do I get a prize if I can guess?
- [Joel] Can I eat your dinner then?
- [Tom] Shoudn't have married her
knowing that she loved me.
(frogs croaking)
- [Crow] How come we're not moving?
(vomiting sounds)
- [Crow] Okay, all done.
(grunt)
- [Joel] Hey, it's Jim from Wild Kingdom.
- Well, there was a young one
in the last trap, I had to kill it.
- Oh, poor thing.
- [Crow] Yeah, boo-hoo.
- Told you, you shouldn't have come along.
- [Tom] Well, let's have some kids.
- [Joel] But I love sitting
in a smelly pickup truck.
- I can understand hunting an animal,
but making it suffer in those traps...
- [Crow] Hey, I suffer
in the trap of love.
- These poachers know the swamps
like the back of their hands.
But I'll catch one in the act some night
and put him away for six months.
- [Crow] My, he's rugged.
- In the meantime, I'll
have to be satisfied
confiscating their trap lines.
- [Tom] That's reward enough.
- Lose enough traps, it won't
pay them to keep trying.
- Be careful, darling.
These people aren't like other folks.
They'll try and get back at you.
- [Joel] They've got
seven toes on each foot.
- Steve, you're a stranger here.
They've lived this way for generations.
One man isn't gonna change them overnight.
- [Crow] Yeah, they gotta wanna change.
- I'm serious, Steve,
they can be dangerous.
- Okay, I'll be careful.
You just stop worrying.
- [Tom] Uh-huh.
- [Crow] Oh, he's the killer leech.
- [Tom] No, lech. It's the
attack of the killer lech.
- (sigh) Oh, Steve, I love you.
I love you so much.
♫ I don't know how to (muffled) ♫
(distant screaming)
- What was that?
- I don't know, you get in
the truck and lock it up.
- [Tom] Sounded like Hee Haw.
- [Crow] Could you leave the Mad Dog here?
- [Joel] She dresses pretty
formally for a leech hunt.
(screaming)
- [Tom] Becky, we were
just playing a little game.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Oh, thanks for
comforting me with a gun.
- [Tom] Ugh.
- [Joel] Uh, he's a mess.
A chocolate mess.
(lip smacking)
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
- [Crow] Mmm, breakfast beans.
- [Joel] Aw, this guy's
the sheriff of everything.
- The coroner ruled that
Sawyer died in a misadventure.
As far as this officer's
concerned, that's the end of it.
- [Tom] That's a common cause of death.
- If Lem was killed by anything human,
I wouldn't need you to tell me my job.
- [Crow] Ah, shut up
and finish your Kaboom.
- ...looking for an overgrown gator.
- [Tom] What do I look like, a cop?
- Sawyer wasn't killed by an alligator.
- Is that so?
Did you hear that, Morton?
Game warden Benton says it
wasn't a gator that killed Lem.
Well then, what was it?
You know so much, go on,
tell me, what killed him?
- [Joel] It was low level stress, Troy.
- The wounds were the kind a squid
or a large octopus might cause.
- [Crow] I love squid!
- Sure, did Greyson explain
how a saltwater creature
happened to be 30 miles
inland living in clear water?
- Stranger things have happened.
- Look here, Benton,
you work for the state.
- [Crow] The state of confusion.
- Why don't you keep your
nose out of county business?
Is that clear enough for you?
- Oh, go soak your fat head.
- [Joel] Okay then, well
I'll go get some soap and...
Hey, wait a minute!
- What was that you said?
- I said go soak your fat head.
- [Tom] Is that exactly
how you phrased it?
Wasn't there more of a lilting quality?
Gah!
- [Joel] Why if I wasn't so
stuffed with beans right now.
- He's sure going to get it.
(burp)
You can bet on that.
- [Crow] I thought it was
funny, Sheriff. (laughs)
- [Tom] Gary Busey, ladies
and gentlemen, Gary Busey.
- [Crow] Look, I sneezed on my dictionary.
- You see, the octopi
uses its suction discs
to hold its prey.
- [Crow] Like I hold a sandwich.
- The disc will not inflict a wound.
Same is true with a squid.
Now both creatures have a parrot-like beak
as their primary offensive
and defensive weapon.
- Maybe the sheriff was right, Dad.
- [Joel] I think I know
where the drapes went.
- Could be a freak or
a malformed alligator.
- [Crow] Thanks for the
coffee, Mrs. Cleavage.
- No, I'm afraid it wasn't.
- Well where does that leave us, Doc?
- [Tom] In the living room.
- Wish I knew.
You know, I'm beginning to think
Lem was telling the
truth in Walker's store.
He did see something that night.
Something that had intelligence enough
to seek him out and destroy him later.
- [Crow] That was smart.
- Sawyer claims to have
killed the thing he saw.
Put a half a dozen rifle bullets into it.
I've seen that old 44-40 he used.
Nothing could live after
being hit with those slugs.
- [Joel] Only half a cup?
Don't I like my coffee?
- Conceding the possibility
of one such creature,
we must also concede the
possibility of others.
- [Tom] Oh, sorry, you lost me.
You know, this coffee's wonderful.
- There's one sure way of finding out.
Go in and search every backwater channel
and wet spot in the swamp.
- [Crow] Any volunteers?
- If it's there, I'll find it.
- [Joel] It all points
to one thing, Drake.
This coffee's grand.
- [Tom] ♫ From the land
of sky blue water ♫
(dramatic music)
Aw, heck, honey.
I got a motor on this thing.
I just remembered.
- [Crow] Do you know any other camp songs?
- [Tom] Let's see, Barnacle Bill?
- [Joel] Yeah, watever you do,
don't help me paddle, Miss Dead Weight.
- [Tom] Well you know, a
visor might've been helpful.
- [Crow] It's a swamp, should
we bring our evil in here?
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Charlie, there's
leeches all over your back.
- It sure is quiet around here.
- [Joel] What is she, on her
lunch break from Wendy's?
- [Crow] ♫ Wreck of
the Edmund Fitzgerald ♫
- [Joel] Here, leechy, leechy, leechy.
Come on, nice leechy, leechy, leechy.
- [Crow] I'll tell you
one thing right now.
I am not going to portage this thing.
- [Tom] You know, maybe
this isn't the right time
to talk about this, but I love muffins.
You know those real fancy
nut and fruit muffins
they got, full of whole grain?
- [Joel] Simon, no!
- [Tom] The heck?
- Did you hear something?
- [Crow] Um, I heard you say,
"Did you hear something?"
- Well, whatever it was,
it's not here anymore.
- [Tom] Probably over
the state line by now.
- [Joel] Be quiet.
Phil Harris and Curt Gowdy
are duck hunting back there.
- Do you want some coffee?
- [Crow] Again with the coffee!
Well, it is very good coffee.
- An Army could hide in
here and never be noticed.
- One did.
- [Nan] What?
The Seminoles under Osceola in the 1830s.
- [Tom] Aw gee, I was just
trying to break the ice.
I don't need a history lesson.
- I remember reading about
Osceola in high school.
- [Crow] Yeah, those Seminoles.
Boy, they drink a lot of coffee.
- I've only been at it two
days and I feel worn out.
- [Joel] Probably 'cause of my stories.
- Might as well keep on looking around.
- [Tom] Okay, well then,
like some more coffee?
I'll get you some more coffee.
Dinner's ready back here.
Do you want Rice-A-Roni?
There's some steak tartare
and some little O'Brien potatoes.
- [Crow] Hey, what's this hole in the...
Augh!
(suspenseful music)
- [Joel] I feel like Lewis and Clark.
- [Crow] Really?
- [Joel] You be Jerry
Lewis, I'll be Petula Clark.
(suspenseful music)
- Well, I guess we may as
well give up for the day.
- You won't get any arguments from me.
- [Crow] Okay, let's go.
- [Tom] But I don't wanna go now.
- [Crow] What?
- [Tom] Will the leech survive?
Will they drink more coffee?
And will the fat guy's
wife ever touch him?
And what about Naomi?
- [Crow] Hi there.
- [Joel] Look, either pick
up a paddle or sit still.
(suspenseful music)
Is it asking too much to pull over
to a station and ask for directions?
- [Tom] No.
Can we do something different
next time we go out,
like go to a restaurant or something?
- [Crow] Hello again.
I'm the leech.
See you later.
Well, let's see, that'll hold me
'til I get to the office anyway.
- [Joel] ♫ Doin' the Big Fig Newton
♫ Here's the tricky part,
the Big Fig Newton ♫
- I'm asking you for the
last time, Dave Walker.
- [Tom] Did you eat the last moon pie?
- Will you answer me, you dirty old man?
- [Crow] Dirty old man?
The ropers get more action than I...
- I ain't dirty, Liz, baby.
- Liz baby, Liz honey.
Can't you think of anything
else to say, stupid?
- Gotta get this order
over to Miss Sholby.
She's one of my better customers.
- [Crow] You know, I think
the bloom's off the rose.
- I love you, Liz, baby.
- [Tom] But I love groceries more.
- Get out.
Get out, you fat pig!
- [Joel] Now wait a minute.
I don't go calling you a
beautiful shapely woman, do I?
- [Tom] Oh, forgot my hat.
(cans clacking)
- [Crow] Cleanup on aisle three, please.
(door slams shut)
- [Joel] Listen, don't even ask, alright?
- You know women, Cal.
Gotta get their hair
down every now and then.
- You sure do know an
awful lot about females.
- [Tom] Well, I was a female once.
- I can't stand here and jaunt, Cal.
- [Crow] Gotta save my jaw for eating.
- [Tom] Here you go, Miss Sholby.
- Well...
ever since Lem got himself killed,
she wants me to sell
out and move into town.
- [Joel] And leave all this?
- Don't you let her bamboozle you, Dave.
You belong right here in the store.
After all, place wouldn't be
the same without you around.
- [Crow] Well, there'd be more
oxygen for the rest of us.
- Thanks, Cal.
I better get going.
See you when I get back.
- Yeah, I'll be around.
- [Tom] Ah, what a rich life, huh?
Flipping a walnut in a sieve all day.
- [Joel] Heh heh, now I got
my pick of the wicker baskets.
(peppy music)
- [Crow] Hey, where are
your outboard motor...
Oh, there they are.
- Liz, baby.
- [Tom] Cora?
(metal banging)
- [Joel] Yeah, I'm here about the affair.
I have an appointment
for 2 o'clock Wednesday.
- [Tom] Say, could you
show me some sundries?
- You want something, Cal?
- [Crow] Uh, do I still have a tab going?
- I sure do, honey.
- [Joel] Well, I'm real partial
to them Hormel dinner meals.
- [Tom] What, I'm not a mind reader.
- [Joel] Wow.
(peppy music)
(footsteps)
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
- Boy, some strong coffee,
I'm getting buzzed.
My neck plate's quivering
and my cute little acrylic
hands are shaking and sweaty.
Fill her up, Joel!
- Okay, I thought so.
Anything you say, little amigo.
- More sugar, please!
- Okay, I'm right on
it, Gypsy, no problem.
- Oy, Joel, today's experiment's got bite.
It's like...
- It's like a fever dream, Crow.
Or like one of those dreams
when you get home at midnight
and you wolf down the
Ukrainian sausage pastry
and a gross beer, then
you go straight to bed?
- Yeah, or when you just got
off a 12-hour shift at Arby's
and you're watching TV at 3am,
and then you fall asleep during Omega Man.
- Do you have any more half-and-half?
- No problem.
You know, I had a really
weird dream last night.
I dreamed that we all got back to Earth
and then you guys got a duplex together.
- You know, just last night,
I dreamed that I had a
really nice girlfriend
with red hair and a blue dress,
then she turned into a gargoyle
and I was really scared,
but then Jesus came and
everything was okay.
- You saw Jesus?
- Yeah. Real nice guy, too.
Thinner than you might think.
- I don't remember my
dreams too often, Joel.
- You know, I never could either,
until I started keeping a journal.
- Hey, I'm curious, what
do you dream about, Gypsy?
- I dream I fly in color.
- Oh, you dreamed you flew.
That means you're intuitive.
- I have one dream about a
little French café in Paris,
right off the route of Florentine.
What was that waiter's name?
- John Woo!
- You had that dream, too?
(alarm buzzing)
- We got movie sign!
- [Tom] Careful, I spilled
a little coffee right there.
- [Crow] I am wired.
(growling)
- I didn't hurt you now, did I?
- It's just, you're so strong.
- [Joel] Smelling, I mean.
- I like a man who's strong.
- [Crow] Smelling, I mean.
- You sure picked a doozy, that man, Dave.
I don't think he's got a muscle in him.
Just a big piece of flab.
- [Tom] You're talking
about the flab I love.
- Come on now, I didn't
mean anything against you.
- [Joel] I mean, you're
a little piece of flab.
- Just that I can't see
a real woman like you
tied up with a tub of lard like that.
- [Tom] Just can't imagine
you making love is all.
- You wouldn't understand, Cal.
You know, I wanted to tell you.
- [Crow] I'm the Ronald
McDonald for this region.
- You just wouldn't understand.
- Try me.
- [Tom] Free trial
sample, try me for a week.
- [Joel] Sister, you got roots.
- Huh?
- [Crow] Did you say something?
I wasn't listening.
- You crazy...
- [Joel] Kinda looks like a
forest up there in your nose.
- You could tell me you killed your pa
and your ma and your whole family.
I'll fight to protect you.
(birds chirping)
- [Crow] Ouch, my keys.
- [Tom] Hey, remember my pa
and my ma and the whole family?
- [Crow] We now return
to Fat Guy Goes Nutsoid,
a Tromo presentation.
- [Joel] He's using an adulterer decoy.
Come on, baby.
(kiss sounds)
- [Tom] Miss Sholby, I
got your groceries here.
Don't want no trouble this time.
- [Joel] Like that guy
could sneak up on somebody.
- [Tom] Honey?
Making out with one of
my friends back here?
- [Crow] Hmm, Swamp Blanket Bingo.
- [Joel] Let's see now,
there's some trees and a car
and my wife making out with... oh?
- First husband was a no-good bum.
- [Crow] Second husband, no-good bum.
Third husband, no-good bum.
- He used to get lushed up,
come home and beat up on me.
- [Crow] Oh, Merle Haggard.
- [Joel] Hey.
- [Crow] George Jones?
- Nothing but a prized pig.
- One night, he tried to
hold up a gas station.
- [Tom] But he wasn't very
strong and it fell on him.
- He was so drunk, he couldn't even run.
They caught him less than a mile away.
He got set up.
I got a divorce.
- [Tom] Then I dated David
Sole for a while and...
same thing.
- After three years with him...
(snoring)
- [Joel] Hey, she's
really opening up to him.
- I wish I could've been there.
I'd know how to take care
of a woman like you, Liz.
- Maybe it is too late, Cal.
- [Crow] Oh, good thing they
brought a make-out tarp.
- [Joel] I believe this is my dance.
- You're wrong, woman.
It's too late for the both of you.
- [Crow] Uh, she dropped
her contact lens in my mouth
and was trying to get
it out with her tongue.
Yeah, that's it.
- Go on, get up.
- Now look, Dave, I know
what you're thinking, but--
- I got double large
shot in this here thing.
You got two seconds
before I pull the trigger.
- [Tom] Okay, so I guess I'll
be seeing you there, huh?
- Don't get riled, Dave.
- [Joel] Just advancing
the plot, nothing personal.
- She's been pestering me
for months to take her out.
- Sure, Cal, I understand.
Get her up so I can get a better look
at the lying little tramp.
- [Joel] Which one of
us is the lying... oh.
- Come on, get up.
- No, he'll kill me, he'll kill me.
- Now your husband wants
to take a look at you.
- [Tom] Uh, is this her?
- You, uh, walk all the way, Dave?
- [Crow] No, there's a
motorcycle in my pants.
What do you think?
- Get over there!
- Now, Dave, it ain't as bad as you think.
- [Joel] It's fantastic.
- Tramp.
- What are you gonna do?
- [Joel] I'm gonna make
you listen to Supertramp.
- Dave, you put down that gun
before I get mad and make you eat it!
- [Tom] Eat it?
Hmm... hey, don't try to distract me.
- Go right ahead and try.
(gunshot)
- [Joel] I know what you're thinking.
Did I fire one shot or only one?
- [Tom] Every weekend, I go through this.
- [Crow] No, just wanted the tarp.
(suspenseful music)
(gunshot)
- [Joel] Now it's The Most Dangerous Game.
- [Tom] I'll say.
(gunshot)
- [Crow] This is more
like Night at the Iguana
than Attack of the Giant Leeches.
(grunting)
- [Tom] Quick, let's go
tell the camp councilor.
He'll help us.
- Come on!
(gunshot)
- I can't go any further!
- [Joel] I got nowhere else to go!
(heavy breathing)
- [Tom] (burp)
- [Crow] You two go on without me!
Oh, wait a minute, that's all wrong.
- [Tom] Thunder Husband.
- [Joel] I'll catch you,
you rascally adulterers.
(dramatic music)
Wait a minute, he's loading
his gun with Tootsie Rolls.
(lip smacking)
- Go on, run! Run 'til you drop!
- [Crow] Like I will!
- [Joel] Uh, let me
guess, she broke a heel?
- [Tom] Yeah, she's the
girl, she's supposed to.
- [Crow] Now what is with the mud?
Did we miss some metaphor?
- [Tom] Soil of the soul or something?
- [Joel] Heh heh, pull!
That one was just for me. Hah!
- I can't go on anymore, I can't.
You gotta let me stop
and rest for a minute.
- Shut up!
(gunshot)
- [Crow] Hey, that was
his heart blowing up.
- I can't go on, Cal.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] There's gotta be a trailer park
around here somewhere.
- [Joel] Man, look at all the weed.
Where are they, Tommy Chong's backyard?
(gunshot)
- [Crow] Suddenly,
they're the defiant ones.
(silence)
- [Tom] (sigh)
- [Joel] Welp, guess you caught up to us.
- Go on, keep going.
- Dave, please, you gotta listen.
It wasn't my fault, honest.
She kept playing up to me every
time you turned your back.
It wasn't my fault.
- [Tom] I can't be held accountable.
She's got bosoms and everything.
- You and your muscles.
(spit)
- [Joel] Ew, she snagged on him.
- If it wasn't for you, I
wouldn't be in this fix.
And my old friend Dave wouldn't
be doing this thing to me.
It's all your fault!
- Oh! (spit)
- [Tom] She did it again.
- Get going.
- But Dave...
We've been friends a long time, Dave.
You wouldn't kill an old friend, Dave.
- If you don't move, I'll
kill you where you stand.
- But Dave!
(gunshot)
- He's crazy, man.
- [Joel] Did he just kill him or what?
(crying)
- [Crow] And as for you,
young lady, you're grounded.
- [Joel] They're melting.
(crying)
- Please, Dave!
- [Tom] I'm sorry, Dave.
Don't make us go to the deep end.
We're not ready for the deep end yet.
- [Crow] Hey, quit laughing,
I'm trying to humiliate you.
- I'm sorry, Dave!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!
- [Tom] Please, Dave, treat
me out to chicken corden bleu.
(crying)
- You think you learned enough
to stay away from my woman, Cal?
- [Tom] I learned plenty!
I got a PhD in staying
away from your wife!
- I'll do anything you
say, Dave, anything!
- [Joel] Would you rob a shop?
- [Tom] ♫ Anything ♫
- Come on out of there.
(dramatic music)
- Dave, give me a hand.
(deep growling)
- [Crow] Ay caramba!
- Look out, behind you!
(screaming)
- Oh, Dave!
- [Tom] Uh, don't help or anything, Dave.
(screaming)
- [Crow] Gee, it was okay to
shoot them, but this... yeck!
- [Tom] Think they know we're here?
(splashing)
- Ain't nothing down here, sir.
- [Joel] Except for these dead folks.
- Well, I'm getting tired of this.
Come on in, boys!
(birds chirping)
Now, if there was any bodies out there,
we'd have found them.
Now I want some straight answers, Walker.
And don't give me anymore
of that crud about monsters, neither.
Where'd you hide them
after you killed them?
- [Tom] (burp) Sorry.
- I told you the truth, Sheriff.
I didn't kill them.
- [Crow] I ate them.
- I just wanted to scare them good.
- [Tom] Don't cry, I hate it when you cry.
- I wouldn't do anything to hurt her.
I loved her.
- [Joel] I loved her more
than twice baked potatoes.
- You loved her.
That's why you chased her
through the swamp with a shotgun.
- [Crow] Well it's tough love, admittedly.
- [Sheriff] Where'd you hide the bodies?
- Won't you believe me?
It was them monsters, they--
- Take him out of here
before I lose my temper.
- [Tom] Gary Cooper in a cameo role.
Gary Cooper, ladies and
gentlemen, Gary Cooper.
(bird chirping)
- [Crow] Hey, it's Bartles and Jaymes.
- County pay a reward if someone
finds the bodies, Sheriff?
- [Tom] Reward.
- $50.
- [Joel] And you get to keep the body.
- Each?
- [Tom] For those extra genes you need.
- Yeah.
(monkey howling)
- [Tom] Sounds like Africa.
- You know, I never
thought that of ol' Dave.
Course, everybody know that Cal and Liz
had a hankering for each other.
- [Crow] I think it went
way beyond hankering.
- [Tom] Mhm.
- Darn fools.
Grappling out there in
the middle of the water.
If the bodies is still in there,
you can bet some old bull gator's got him
stuffed in his cave under the bank,
letting him ripen up for a few days.
- [Joel] Uh, Jeb, you
got a real dark side.
- What we need now is
some long cypress poles
to go in there and pull...
- [Crow] We'll drink
the pond dry, and then--
- [Tom] No, no.
- [Joel] Otis, your Quisp is ready.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] He's stuck to the ceiling.
- [Joel] Great, a swinger.
Always on my shift.
- [Tom] For crying out loud.
(silence)
- [Tom] I just love these Hummels.
- I'm sorry, Doc, I can't do it.
- I'll have to do it myself.
- Wouldn't wanna have to
arrest you, Doc, but I will
if I find you near the
preserve with any explosives.
- Steve!
- Sorry, Nan, that's
the way it's gotta be.
- [Crow] I'm a jerk.
- Steve's right, Nan.
It's his job to protect wildlife.
- What about human life?
Three people have been
killed in that game preserve.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?
- Nan, try to understand.
- [Joel] I'm a jerk.
- If something in the
swamp was responsible
for those deaths, I
wouldn't hesitate a minute.
We've been together the last three days.
We didn't see a trace of anything unusual.
- [Crow] Except for that 10-foot leech.
- Not so much as a suggestion
of any form of life unknown to us.
- Steve!
- [Tom] Woah, Easy Lift needs adjusting.
- Alright, I'll admit Sawyer's death
left a lot of questions unanswered.
But you can bet your bottom dollar
the other two died from
Dave Walker's shotgun.
- Do you really believe that?
- Figure it out, Nan.
Walk admitted chasing his wife and Cal
into the swamps after
he found them together.
- [Joel] Cow?
He shot them and he tried
to place the blame on Sawyer's DTs.
If Sawyer told us seeing purple giraffes
with polka-dot tails walking around...
- [Tom] Woah, woah, back up a bit there.
- There's one argument
against that, Steve.
Dave Walker wasn't the kind
of a man to hang himself.
- [Crow] Nah, he's a blade man.
I talked with Dave less than an hour
before he killed himself.
- [Tom] Maybe that's why.
- I've seen frightened
men before, terrified men,
but I've never seen to
compare with the horror
and the fear in Walker's eyes.
- He realized what he'd done.
He killed two people, one his wife.
- [Joel] One, his Cal.
- Look, Doc, Nan and I
were all over that swamp.
- [Crow] And each other.
- [Steve] Why didn't
these monsters attack us?
- I've been thinking about that.
They're probably night creatures.
They can't stand the light.
They stay down near the
bottom during the day.
- [Tom] Like comedians.
- A small charge would stun them
and bring them to the surface.
- Can't bite, Doc.
- Pig-headed Steve Benton.
- [Joel] No, it's Steve-headed Pig Benton.
- Stubborn and pig-headed.
- You just don't understand, do you?
- [Tom] I'm a jerk!
- [Crow] Oh, I'll go make some coffee.
- [Joel] She doesn't
understand I'm a jerk, sir.
(door shuts)
- [Tom] Whatever.
- Goodnight, Doc.
- [Tom] Goodnight, jerk.
(suspenseful music)
- [Tom] I'm a beaver,
and this is the view from my living room.
Enjoy!
(dramatic music)
(low growling)
- [Crow] Hi, I'm back.
- [Tom] (singing in foreign language)
(water sloshing)
- [Tom] Got any Deep Woods Off there?
- [Crow] Well at least we's paddling
in the same direction now.
- Right over there in them reeds...
- [Joel] Is where my Daddy met my Pappy.
(low growling)
- [Tom] Wish we could see him.
You can't personalize a monster like this.
(suspenseful music)
- [Crow] Hey, look, a lot
of golf balls down in there.
(grunts)
- Just can't figure ol' Dave out.
- [Joel] He's a complex fellow.
- What would you do?
- I hadn't thought of that.
- [Joel] I hadn't thought
of anything, never.
- Right over there in them reeds...
- [Crow] Jerry Reed, Rex
Reed, Willis Reed, Donna Reed,
Lou Reed, Reed Richards, Robert Reed.
- [Tom] These guys are
inqesively incompetent.
(low growling)
- [Crow] Don't look now, I
think they found Jimmy Hoffa.
(silence)
- [Joel] Oh, take me to
the sweet mushroom palace,
my friend booze.
- There is sure a lot left.
- [Crow] That's the suntan lotion! (gags)
- [Joel] You ever feel like
crying and you don't know why?
- Sure is funny.
- Huh?
- [Tom] Gallagher. Said he sure is funny.
- Noticed anything?
- What?
- We've been prodding
around here all morning.
Ain't run across a single gator.
- [Joel] And I don't have no pants on.
- If I'm right, this pool
should be crawling with them.
- [Crow] I'm crawling with something.
- Yeah, that is funny.
- I don't like the looks of things.
- [Crow] And I don't
like the looks of you.
- Well, now wait a minute.
We ain't pulled the gator
holes around the bend yet.
- You do you what you wanna do, boy.
Just get me on dry land, right quick!
- [Joel] Don't ever get off the boat.
- No use getting all heated up. Let's go.
(water sloshing)
- [Joel] Alright, now make that
motor boat noise again, Caleb.
- [Tom] (motor boat noise)
- [Joel] By the way, can
I borrow your fondue set?
Sarah and her mother
are coming over later.
- Out here on a wild goose chase.
(dramatic music)
(leech roaring)
(screaming)
(splash)
- [Crow] This is the most fantastic
undersea odyssey ever filmed!
- [Tom] Oh, I just love
underwater love scenes.
(dramatic music)
(low growling)
Oh great, the leeches have a little fort.
- [Crow] Hello, Bond.
Sorry about the formality.
(low growls)
- [Tom] This one's a keeper.
We eat tonight.
- [Joel] You ever feel like
you're in a Gary Larson cartoon?
- [Tom] Leeches are just
guys in fancy ponchos.
- [Crow] They're not leeches,
they're scientologists.
- [Joel] They're Sears ponchos.
- [Tom] Oh look, Jim
Henson's Cracker Babies.
(screaming)
- [Crow] Hey, keep it down.
We're trying to sleep over here.
- [Joel] You still haven't got it right.
We don't want hillbillies with good taste.
We want hillbillies that taste good.
- [Crow] Hillbilly Red.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Honey, wake up, they're back.
- [Joel] Wow, he is gonna
have one immense hickey.
- [Crow] He's gonna have
to wear a turtleneck.
(screaming)
- [Joel] How am I gonna
explain this to my husband?
Ah, this side.
(low growling)
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
(dogs barking)
- [Tom] Aw, puppies.
- [Joel] ♫ You blown it all sky high ♫
You know, if I didn't know better,
I'd say we're in the dumbest
part of the movie right now.
- [Crow] Probably.
- [Joel] ♫ Without a reason why ♫
- [Crow] There's a madman
'cross the water there.
- [Joel] Buzz bomb reference.
- [Tom] Hey, Bob, you know I'm thinking
about getting me one of
them speedo swimsuits.
What do you think?
- [Joel] You'd look sweet, Pete.
Can we break for a snack?
Dave would've wanted us to.
- [Joel] We're under
here, you can't see us.
- [Tom] Oh, think my pants are shrinking.
(coughs)
(bubbles)
- All clear!
It's clear over here!
- [Crow] I'll be the judge of that.
(low growling)
(dog barking)
Hey, that's not a scent.
That's the other dog you're sniffing.
These dogs have been tracking each other!
- [Tom] Flibbity checkers, no.
- [Joel] Is it hot here or is it just me?
(grunts)
(suspenseful music)
- [Tom] Woah, outta here!
Feets, don't fail me now.
- [Joel] Stay together, cheeks.
(dogs growling)
- [Crow] Well, this scene isn't
panning out like I'd hoped.
- [Joel] Hey, spread out, this is my spot.
(dog howling)
- [Tom] Yeah yeah, we know,
you saw the best minds
of your generation destroyed
by madness, we know.
- Alright, let's keep moving.
- [Crow] To another film?
- [Joel] Champ, Rex, Spot, Otto.
(panting)
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] I claim this land
for the queen of Spain.
- [Joel] ♫ Wouldn't you like to glide
♫ In my beautiful balloon ♫
Man, they're really having
trouble with this scene.
Yeah, it's going nowhere.
- Well, we can't do anymore tonight.
Might as well start back.
- Reckon there ain't no use
hurrying now, Mr. Benton.
Even if Old Sam was alive,
they'd let us know with
a holler or something.
- Yeah, kinda looks that way.
- You fellas notice
anything about this lake?
- [Crow] Uh, it's wet?
- What about them?
- They ain't.
The water this side usually has
maybe 50, 60 big ones around
and a whole lot of little ones.
- [Tom] Well I could go
for a piece of one myself.
- Maybe our torches scared them away.
- Nothing scares gators, nothing.
Animal law humor.
- [Crow] But keep in mind,
I'm intensely stupid.
- Well we might as well get out of here.
- [Joel] It's TGIF, huh, fellas?
- [Tom] Hmong folk art.
- [Crow] We're worried about
your not smoking, Chad.
- You got something in mind, Steve?
- [Joel] Yeah, remember Bub's Daddy gum?
- I'm thinking of what
Evan said about the gators.
- [Tom] Yeah, he said, "Ahh!"
- Something made them leave, maybe a...
- [Joel] Court order?
- Mineral contamination.
- Guess we better run some water samples.
- [Crow] Through myself.
- Come on, you two, drink your coffee.
- [Tom] Well, I was just
talking about coffee.
- And supposing there
is no contamination...
- [Joel] Well we'll add some.
- Then I'll send over to
Eastpoint for a diving rig,
to go down to look for
this monster of yours.
- Now, Steve, don't even joke like that.
- [Crow] You don't know how to tell them.
- I'm not joking, Nan.
I've had some training with an aqualung
while I was in the Navy.
- [Tom] (mimics song
"Aqualung" by Jethro Tull)
Two bodies we know for sure
are down there, maybe four.
They've got to be brought up.
- Wait a minute.
There are no alligators in
that part of the swamp, right?
- [Steve] So?
- No sign of any fish or snakes?
- [Tom] No.
- Well, what are you getting at, Doc?
- [Crow] Uh, would you pass the jelly?
- Well there goes your argument about
setting off a dynamite charge underwater.
It'd bring the bodies to the surface.
- Get it out of your mind, Doc.
I'm not using any explosives
as long as there's another way.
- Why must you be such a...
- [Joel] Stud.
- Stubborn pig-head?
- [Nan] Exactly.
- [Tom] That, too.
- I'll tell you why.
Number one, there's bound
to be some aquarium life
in that section, even if the
bigger forms have abandoned it.
- [Joel] Get it?
- An explosion underwater would
destroy every living thing
and wreck what nature
took years to build up.
- [Tom] Years of inbreeding destroyed.
- Number two, I am paid to prevent
the useless slaughter of wildlife.
- [Crow] Uh, what was one again?
- Number three, I'd have
to get authorization,
and to get that authorization,
I'd have to come up with
a heck of a good reason.
- [Tom] Number four, you're a jerk.
- Satisfied?
- [Joel] No, I could use more coffee.
- Finish up, Dad, I wanna go home.
- [Tom] I thought you were home.
- Steve, how long would it take you
to get this diving
equipment from Eastpoint?
- [Crow] Is this a riddle?
- A couple days, why?
- Oh, nothing.
- [Joel] Then why bring it up?
- [Tom] I was deliberately
wasting your time.
- Take care of yourself, Steve.
- [Crow] Or someone might
stab you in your sleep.
- [Joel] Wait, I don't live here.
What the... oh.
- Well, here's hoping.
- Dad, can't you fill the
dynamite in from here?
- No, I wanna get it out in
the middle, the deepest spot.
- [Crow] 'Cause Pepperidge Farm remembers.
- [Tom] Now it's time for
Trout Blasting in America
with your host, Dick Branigan.
- [Joel] ♫ Oh, I'm a danger
to myself and others ♫
(mimics hillbilly music)
- [Crow] Well, goodbye
forever. I mean, Dad.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Ohh, I'm drained.
- [Joel] Our first sauna, big time.
(groaning)
- [Crow] Looks like the
cave of Dr. Calamari.
(groaning)
- [Joel] I know, I know,
you get used to it.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] ♫ Offing an
alligator, living it up ♫
(wick burning)
- [Crow] Suck on that,
you darn son of a...
- [Joel] I pray I was adopted.
(birds chirping)
- [Tom] Well, honey, I
threw it under the boat
where it would do the most... ah!
- [Crow] Parking at the
swamp sure is convenient.
- [Joel] He's at it again, isn't he?
Sad, really.
- [Tom] Well, let's go get him.
(footsteps)
- [Crow] Come on, dummy.
Back to the home with you.
- [Tom] Now she's wearing
her beauty operator outfit.
- It should go any minute.
- [Joel] Yeah, right.
- [Crow] What a loon.
I'm not a loon.
(explosion)
- [Tom] Next week on MacGyver.
- [Joel] Everybody into the pool!
- [Crow] Well gee, it worked
on the gophers in my yard.
(foreboding music)
- [Joel] Huh?
(music swells)
- [Tom] That was Bob there!
Get it, Bob?
Sorry.
- [Crow] Well, let me tell you,
if I can take one dumb
thing back in my life...
- [Tom] I know what you mean.
- [Joel] Say, are those Bugle Boy jeans?
- [Tom] (yawn) I've seen better.
- Bring it down there, Gypsy.
You know, Silas, it's not
easy being a social misfit
and then getting the added responsibility
of dragging out in the
swamp for missing townsfolk,
and I can't even button my own shirt.
- [Tom] I hear ya, Gunther.
Isn't it amazing how we inferior types
keep getting asked to
do the dangerous work
that should go to men for stable than us?
Really is a miracle, hee hoo!
Hunter?
- Duh, yup, uh huh, wag nuts.
- What'd he say, Silas?
- I think what our bright young
friend's trying to say here
is the reason we three goofuses are asked
to do these hazardous tasks
outside the perimeters
of normal society's rationale is
we're a danger to ourselves and others.
- Aw, kinda reminds me of
Darwin's theory of natural selection.
- Yeah, if you're dumb, you die!
(laughter)
- That's a rich one there, Hunter.
- ♫ Oh, I'm a danger to myself and others
♫ My cousins are as close as brothers
♫ I stay out in the rain all the time
- ♫ He's a danger to himself and others
♫ Kinda likes shows with Sally Struthers
♫ I can't even think of a word that rhymes
♫ How dumb are you, Uncle Dad
♫ Well, pretty dumb, that's for sure
♫ How dumb are you, Uncle Dad
♫ Well this pot's filled with manure
♫ We're a danger to ourselves and others
♫ Save the Earth and steal our mothers
♫ Leave us in the woods
and we're just fine
♫ We're a danger to ourselves and others
♫ Good luck stuck with better lovers
♫ Hunting leech is what
we call a good time ♫
(explosion)
- Boy, oh boy!
I'd like to shake hands with any
giant leech that lived through that!
- What, the dynamite or that crappy song?
(banjo music)
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
(mimicking banjo music)
- [Tom] Good stuff.
- Walker's wife, why didn't
her body come to the surface?
- I don't know.
- [Crow] Maybe her shoes were too heavy.
- I think I better walk over
to the coroner's office.
- What's the matter, Mr. Benton?
Feel awkward about arresting
my father in his own home?
- [Tom] No.
- I warned him I'd arrest
him if he used dynamite.
- That was nice of you.
- [Joel] Geez, I don't get women.
- Well, the autopsy should be over by now.
(door opens)
- [Tom] Oh, hi, you got the
right to remain silent, and...
- I thought you'd be here.
- [Crow] I was wishing you weren't.
- I don't like to have to do this, Doctor.
- Do we have time for
a cup of coffee first?
- Sure.
- Fine, honey?
- No, I'll make some sandwiches.
- [Joel] I'll make some coffee sandwiches.
- [Crow] She's going to his
place to make sandwiches.
- [Tom] Ahh, you know liquor
makes everything right.
- [Joel] From the liquor council.
- [Crow] It's what your
body's thirsty for.
- All the good it'll do now.
- [Crow] Let me show you my appendix scar.
- Dave Walker didn't shoot Cal.
- [Joel] I'll get more coffee.
- Kovis tried to keep my out,
but I told him I'd raise a stink
they'd smell all the way to the capitol.
- [Tom] Don't doubt that, heh.
- What killed them, Doc?
- Not drowning.
Cal wasn't shot, either.
- [Crow] And he wasn't beat up by clowns.
- Every drop of blood was
drained out of their bodies.
- [Joel] Turns out I did it.
Funny, huh?
- And they had wounds on
their throats, suction wounds.
Like a gigantic leech bite.
- [Tom] Or a Hoover.
- And there's something
even more incredible.
- [Crow] I'm Skippy the chimp.
- Cal was supposed to have
been killed several days ago.
Sam and Reed had been
missing a matter of 48 hours.
All three of them, as far as we know,
were in that lake a minimum of two days.
Now I'd stake my reputation as a doctor...
- [Tom] Or what's left of it.
- Cal hadn't been dead more than
two or three hours before we found him.
The other two, less than that.
First stage rigor mortis
started in during the autopsy.
- But how could that be, Doc?
It's impossible.
- The coroner will confirm it.
- [Joel] Cigarette?
- Whatever killed them
is still in that lake,
and it's gonna take more
than dynamite to get it out.
- [Crow] I think we
should use my new A-bomb!
- The concussion from those charges
would've killed a full-grown whale.
- [Tom] That's it, we'll put
a full-grown whale down there.
- That explains how Cal
and and the others lived
after they were supposed to be drowned.
- What do you mean?
- This whole region is
riddled by caves and caverns
cut out by the ocean
thousands of years ago.
- [Joel] I love riddles.
- If there are caves above the water,
then there must be caves under the water.
- Go on.
- [Tom] No, make me.
- Mike and I had a chance to fool around
with some frogman equipment
captured from the Italian Navy.
- [Crow] And then we went
on to showgirl costumes.
- Prowled through a sunken
transport off Salerno.
- [Joel] Butter cookie?
- When the ship went down,
it trapped some air inside the hull.
We'd go down, come up
inside the officer's lounge,
take off our face masks, and sorta sample
some of the bottles floating around.
- [Tom] That's nice, is there
a point to your little story?
- It drove the guys crazy
trying to figure out
how we were getting the stuff.
- You mean you think that
there's an air pocket
or a cave underneath the lake?
- Right, gotta be.
How else could those people
have lived down there?
Not only that, it explains how
whatever it is down there
lived through the concussions.
- [Doc] Steve!
- [Tom] Steve!
Spock!
- Liz Walker.
- [Crow] I stood up too fast. Whoo!
- She might still be down there, alive.
- [Joel] But musty.
- [Crow] What?
(eerie music)
(groaning)
- [Tom] Calgon, take me away.
- [Crow] I think it did.
This must be the swimsuit
edition of Leech Illustrated.
- [Joel] A lick of paint,
some nice curtains,
this place would be okay.
- [Tom] Meanwhile, on Hollywood Boulevard.
- [Crow] We now return to Hawaii Five-0.
- [Joel] Looks like the
cameraman can't find the cast.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Skipper.
Now you bring the swamp to a rolling boil.
- [Joel] Hey, it looks
like the dad from Flipper.
(dolphin noises)
- [Tom] Hey, looks like the whole town
came out to watch them suit up.
- [Crow] Well, they
don't have a movie house.
- [Tom] Yup.
- [Steve] Comfortable?
- Yeah.
- [Joel] Make a nice living.
- You sure you don't want
me to go down for you, Mike?
You haven't had one of these
things on for a long time,
while me, every other day
I've been playing fish.
- [Tom] Remember the first
time we had one of these on?
(silence)
- If you ask me, they ought
to have their heads examined.
Giant leeches.
- [All] (groans)
- I'm willing to bet a month's pay
they don't come up with
nothing more than excuses.
- [Crow] Well I could use 10 bucks.
- Him, the doc, and his brat, too.
Just wait 'til I get on
the phone with the capitol.
I'll guarantee somebody will wish
they'd kept their nose out
of other people's business.
- [Joel] And out of my underwear drawer.
- [All] (groans)
- [Nan] Steve!
- [Tom] I'm going with you.
- Be careful, please.
- Don't worry, Mike will be
ready if anything goes wrong.
- Don't worry about Steve.
Now if he were going after barracuda,
you might have a tiny bit to worry about.
- [All] (mimic the music
of "Barracuda" by Heart)
- [Crow] Sure you don't want some coffee?
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] Goodbye,
Calgon. Goodbye, Skipper.
Sure hope those coconut
air tanks hold out.
- [Tom] They're dead. Goodbye!
They don't have a chance.
I'll see you later, good luck!
We'll drag them out tomorrow.
Good luck out there!
- [Crow] It's the star of Ralph Bellamy,
Ralph Bellamy, Ralph Bellamy.
(suspenseful music)
- [Joel] I see London, I see France,
I see little Steve-O's underpants.
(low growling)
- [Crow] Good news,
we're having fish today.
Heh heh, fish... sorry.
- No, no, please stay away.
- [Joel] No, you suck the life out of me.
I have nothing more to give.
- Please.
- Not exactly inviting, is it?
- Nah, it sure isn't.
- [Tom] Hey, let's just stay in the boat
and just eat sandwiches, okay?
- [Crow] And look, I'll spit
in my own mask this time.
(splash)
- [Joel] Right to the bottom.
Well, let's try the other one.
- [Tom] Geez, that's not deep.
It was filmed in Corman's swimming pool.
- [Joel] Darn fool kids.
- [Tom] Watch that end.
Oh, sorry.
- It'll stop anything up to a tiger shark.
But you gotta hit, misses don't count.
- Anything goes wrong,
just yank on the line
and I'll be down in a hurry.
- [Crow] And yank real hard,
I might have the radio on.
(dramatic music)
- [All] (groan)
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)
(bubbles)
- [Tom] ♫ I'd like to be under the sea ♫
- [Joel] Huh, what's this?
It's a little mailbox
that reads, "I am Leech."
This must be his place, huh?
- [Crow] What a jerk.
(dramatic music)
(leech roaring)
(yanking)
- [Joel] Yank, yank, yank!
Hello, is this thing on?
Big thing!
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Uppies! I want uppies! (cries)
Oh, got a big one.
- [Crow] (gasps) Could
you hand me another spear?
- Sure you don't want me to go down
and finish it off for you, Steve?
- No, thanks, Mike.
I think I hurt it pretty bad.
- Careful now.
Anything that hurts is
ten times as dangerous.
- [Joel] Yeah, I'll figure
that out underwater, friend.
- He's wounded it!
He's gonna finish it off!
- [Tom] I'd start the grill if I were you!
- Does he have to go under again?
- He's got to make sure, honey.
- [Crow] This is what therapy's all about.
- Where could it have come from?
- I wish I knew.
We'll have to make some tests.
- [Tom] Like SAT?
- Maybe the proximity of Cape Canaveral's
got something to do with it.
- The rocket station?
- Well, they use atomic energy
in their first stages of launching.
Not all of them have been successful.
- You think innocent
animal life was close by.
Not close enough to be killed,
but close enough to feel the effects
of a radioactive energy that--
- A mutation.
A type of gigantism of some common animal.
- [Joel] (snoring)
- [Crow] Speaking of common animals,
how in the world is Steve getting on?
- I hope he's able to bring it up.
- [Tom] Heh, then I can bring my lunch up.
- [Joel] Let's go see what
Steve the jerk is up to.
- [Crow] Hey, I can't see.
(dramatic music)
(splashing)
- [Joel] I feel like I'm in Hef's grotto.
(groaning)
- [Tom] Whoop, there she goes.
Buh-bye now, heh, buh-bye.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Oh, I've sen this in Dementia 13.
(music swells)
- [Tom] I see London, I see France--
- [Joel] Hey, come on, she's dead.
- [Crow] Huh?
(music swells)
- [Tom] Hey, good job!
They found her.
(water sloshing)
- [Tom] I'll just put her on the stringer.
- That can't be Liz.
- [Joel] I don't remember Liz being dead
with giant hickeys on her cheeks.
- What could've done that?
- [Crow] Steven Tyler?
- Look at her face.
- [Tom] Maybe.
(bubbles)
- [Tom] The abyss.
- [Joel] Owie, I just got
such a big blood blister
and it's so nice and juicy
and I feel so naughty.
Oh, I sure hope a big
leech doesn't come around.
It would be just terrible.
- [Crow] Sucker!
Wait a minute, that's me. (laughs)
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Now it looks like a sea turtle.
(leech roaring)
(music swells)
- [Tom] Uh, think Liz will be
okay in that boat all alone?
- [Crow] Steve was in
trouble, I had to act fast.
I had to get my sons in the series.
(leech roaring)
- [Tom] Hey Ma, I'd like to
borrow your butcher knife, okay?
- [Joel] Wait a minute,
are there two of them now?
I don't get what's going on.
- [Crow] Oh, it's a mess.
- [Tom] It's confusing.
Doesn't matter, huh?
Don't touch him, that's my pal!
- [Crow] He's trying
to stab the camera man.
Did you see that?
(bubbles)
- [Tom] Not me, you idiot.
The leech, the leech!
- [Joel] So there's two of you, huh?
Come on, come on, I've
sucked blood from guys
bigger than the both of you.
- [Tom] Then it was back to the lodge
for a smooth Canadian Club.
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Oh, it's a manatee.
- [All] (groans)
- I've been around here for years.
I never saw nothing like that.
- [Crow] I'm a professional skeptic.
- [Joel] Tommy Bartlett invites
you to ride the wild leech.
- [Tom] Come on, let's all ride him!
- [Crow] David Jensen?
- [Tom] Might wanna
measure her and weight her.
I think she's a keeper.
She's a record, alright.
- [Joel] Whoop, there goes Liz.
(water sloshing)
- [Tom] Hey, I'll have
to go diving more often.
I'll carry her.
- [Crow] No, I'll carry her.
- [Tom] I'll carry here.
- [Joel] I'll get her.
- [Tom] And what of Emily
and her love for Chad?
And what of the hair on Chuck's chest?
Stay tuned.
- [Joel] Epilogue.
(birds chirping)
- [Crow] Who's this guy,
a roadie from Sea Hunt?
- [Joel] Wish I would've thought of that.
(whistles)
- [Tom] Anytime now!
- They must be licking their wounds.
(slurping sounds)
- Sure you used enough
stuff to do the job, Mike?
- I used 100 sticks of 40%.
- [Joel] Enough to kill all of us.
- Alright, let her go.
- Oh, no, I've done
enough of your dirty work.
Help yourself.
- [Tom] No, I'm not
falling for that old one.
- [Joel] Let's see, how do
you work this old thing?
Let's see if my memory
serves me correctly.
(explosion)
- [Joel] Blew my blanket clean off!
(foreboding music)
- [All] One.
- [Tom] Well I'll be
hogtied in the backroom
with a big old...
- [Joel] Fish fry tonight.
- [All] Two.
- [Tom] I'd hoped that'd be more exciting.
Well let's go back to town...
Oh wait, there is no town.
- [Joel] Now who's
hungry for blood sausage?
Just kidding! (laughs)
- [Crow] Well I'm gonna miss him.
Now we gotta go hang out
at the grocery store again.
- [Tom] (yawns)
- [Joel] I feel empty.
Kind of a letdown, really.
- [Tom] But for the lowly detonator...
- [Joel] Oh, lost your head.
- [Tom] My head! Grab it!
- [Crow] Gotta figure out
how this is gonna end here.
(low growling)
- There we go.
- Joel, I can't help but feel
that that film was flawed in certain ways.
- What do you mean by that?
- I don't know.
I guess I just felt that Corman failed
to deliver on concepts and ideas promised
as in films like Viking
Women and the Sea Serpent.
- You know, I had problems
with it, too, Joel.
I can't figure out if
those leech creatures
were smart or just big dumb monsters.
- Well, they were smart
enough to take hostages.
- Yeah, that's right.
When that drunk poacher
fingered one of the leeches,
they sent a contract man out to kill him.
- Yeah, so maybe they kept
everybody busy at the swamp
while they went into town and
stole everybody's antiques.
- I don't know if they were that smart.
I mean, let's remember
they did get caught.
I think they just went
on killing and killing
until it was all about killing
and it wasn't about fun anymore.
- Knowing what I know,
I guess that they're
smarter than a sea turtle
but dumber than Danish
physicist Niels Bohr.
- Yeah, like I can see them going
to four of the Police Academy movies
before they stopped shelling out the dough
and waiting for them to
come out on Showtime.
- They're the kind of
leeches that would probably
think of Chili's as their
favorite restaurant,
and it would never really dawn on them
that it was a chain.
- Or they'd be the type
to watch paid programming
and never figure out that it was an ad.
(laughs)
- Well this is a lot of fun, you guys,
but I think it's time to read a letter.
Let's put this up on still store, Cambot.
This one comes from a...
Jean A. Dawn, and she writes,
"Dear Joel, I am positively
crazy about your show.
"When I can find it on TV,
I tape it and play it over
"so I don't miss any of
your sarcastic remarks.
"I keep recommending your
show to everyone I can.
"Everyone who is lucky
to catch it loves it.
"PS: I'm 59 years old, and I've never
"written a fan letter in my life."
Well thank you, Jean A. Dawn.
- Oh, bless you Jean.
- Jean A. Dawn.
- Nice life goal.
- Jeaninging.
What do you think, sirs?
(slurping sounds)
- Oh, sorry, Frank.
I left the leech on too long.
(pop)
Well, Frank...
Frank?
Well, now that you've sucked
all the blood out of Frank,
what are you gonna do now?
- Oh, write, produce,
be as creative as I can.
- Have you thought about
the mad scientist game?
- Ha, don't get me started.
You know, I got some ideas.
Maybe we can do lunch?
- Sure!
- You think you could pick it up?
I'm, uh, flat busted.
- You know, I'd really
love to produce you.
I had this concept of
maybe we could go into...
(power down)
(keyboard music)