Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 10 - Hercules Against the Moon Men - full transcript

THEME SONG: In the not too
distant future, next Sunday

A.D., there was
a guy named Joel,

not too different
from you or me.

He worked at Gizmonic
Institute, just another face

in a red jumpsuit.

He did a good job
cleaning up the place,

but his bosses didn't like him,
so they shot him into space.

We're sending him cheesy movies.

The worst we can find.

La la la.

He'll have to sit
and watch them all.

And we'll monitor his mind.

La la la.

Now keep in mind,
Joel can't control

when the movies begin or end.

La la la.

Because he used
those special parts

to make his robot friends.

Robot roll call-- Cambot!

Pan left!

Gypsy!

Hi girl!

Tom Servo!

What a cool guy!

Croooow!

He's a wisecracker.

If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes

and other science facts, La la
la, then repeat to yourself--

it's just a show.

I should really just relax.

For Mystery Science
Theater 3000.

- Huh?

Listen, are sure
you guys want to go?

The experiments
just about to start.

-Ah, The experiment's bite.

It's all so dull
and so-- uh-- banal.

-Yeah, Joel This place is
for losers and squares.

Stick around here and
you're headed for nowhere

in a rocket sled, baby.

Uh, no offense, of course.

-Oh no.

Oh, hi everybody.

Welcome to the
satellite of love.

I'm Joel Robinson-- still
stuck up here in space.

And-- Uh-- this Gypsy.

-Hi.

-And-- Uh-- my other two
robots-- Tom Servo, and Crow--

have decided to run away from
home and go live on the other

side of the ship.

-All right-- Uh-- we're
gonna get going then Joel.

Uh-- and please, don't embarrass
yourself by following us, OK?

-Oh, no, I won't.

This is your deal.

I could see you got everything.

Uh-- what's this right
here, Tom, in your hand?

-Oh.

Made a boomerang to
hunt wild animals.

-Oh.

Smart.

Uh -- Well, see you later.

-OK.

Buh-bye.

-(SINGING) I was
born under a warm--

-They'll be back.

-Yeah.

Hey, uh, Magic Voice,
you wanna give us

a status report on
how they're doing?

-They are 50 yards away.

They have stopped.

They appear to be arguing.

Crow has set down
his pack and is

hitting Tom Servo
on the shoulder.

Tom is crying.

They're headed back.

Commercial sigh now.

-You were right, Gypsy.

We'll be right back.

[THEME MUSIC]

-We're back.

We forgive you.

-Yeah, what's for lunch?

-I thought you guys were
gonna runaway and live

on the other side of the ship.
-Yeah.

-Oh, we did.

We-- we're done.

It got way too
built up over there.

-Yeah.

So what's the movie today?

-I don't know.

Oh, Shari Lewis and
Lamb Chop are calling.

-Well, Joel, we're introducing
a new feature here today.

Here's a hint--
remember Lost Continent?

Remember Rock Climbing?

[CHUCKLES]

-Oh, who could ever forget
Rock Climbing, huh, Clay?

Well now, along
the same lines, we

have come up with
something new, something

we like to call Sandstorm.

Sandstorm.

-It's all part of a new
program we like to call

-(IN UNISON) Deep
Hurting, Deep Hurting.

-But that's for later.

You run along and do your
invention exchange, Joel.

-Sandstorm.

-Our invention
exchange is Freak Out.

-Freak Out, huh?

Cute.

But it hardly qualifies
as an invention.

-Oh, did I forget to mention
it's all part of the kit

and with refill
sets you can make--

-(IN UNISON) Super Freak Out!

[CHEERING]

-Well, we're not much
for freaking out.

Are we Frank?

-Trails.

Beautiful trails.

[CHEERING]

-No man is outside looking in.

He'll take you up,
he'll take you down.

-Freak Out and Super Freak
Out by 4 Dead and Ohio Arts.

-Tin soldiers, Nixon,
coming sold separately.

-What do you think, sirs?

-I'm a scientist.

I don't think-- I observe.

-See me.

Feel me.

Touch me!

-Oh, great.

You've triggered a
Freak Out in, Frank.

Anyway, Rock Climbing was
a cool groove compared to--

-Sand Storm.

Sand Storm.

-That's right, Joel.

What Wishbone Ash
here is trying to tell

you is that our invention
exchange this week--

-(IN UNISON) Deep Hurting.

-It's so beautiful.

So insidious.

So

-That's right.

That it's actually
woven into the tapestry

of today's experiment.

-Hercules Against the Moon Men.

-And it all culminates in--

-(IN UNISON) Deep Hurting.

-But we don't want to
give too much away.

You run along, Joel.

Push the button, Frank.

-I am the button.

[WARNING KLAXON]

-Big Alan Steel brings it home.

[CHUCKLES]

-Alan Steel is Steve
Allen's pen name.

-You know, Herc is just
flat against any Moon men.

-Herc's going up against the
Unification Church I think.

-The boon men.

-Filmed against
the heart muscle.

-Well, hold the pastels.

-Man, all these
people are foreigners.

-Hey.

-Oh.

-Carlo's been stealing
tone posts from Stravinsky.

-Sounds like it, doesn't it?

-(RAPPING) NC
Stu-- Stu-- Studio.

NC Stu-- Stu-- Studio.

Uh.

-Nike, just film it.

-That's Larry Mondello's
uncle by the way.

-Free Luigi Mondello.

-Centilomo, I abhor you.

Please, don't make this film.

-That fateful night, a fiery
mass dropped from the sky

onto earth, causing
the mountain of Samar

to erupt and burn
everything around it,

leaving nothing but a wasteland.

-Really made a mess.

-Sad really.

-Within the bowels
of the mountain,

a new and monstrous
life was formed.

-Oh, gross.

-From that day on, the people
of Samar, in order to survive,

were forced to offer their
children as a sacrifice

to the hungry mountain of death.

-Hey, you got change
for an eight-year-old?

-I'm kidding, ouch.

Ow.

-War comes to the
land of Dairy Queen.

-(IN UNISON) Hi-ho Hi-ho,
it's off to death we go.

-Thank you, sir.

May I have another?

-Eh, We don't wanna
get sacrificed, today.

-You kids quit whining or
I'll turn this thing around.

-Ah, early Disney employees.

-Oh, not through the puddles.

That's not nice.

-Not that way R2.

You'll be breaking
down in no time.

[WHISTLING]

-Jim Henson's exodus babies.

[CHUCKLING]

-I am the mighty Pavog.

[SCREAMING]

-Please enter your pin number.

-Oh, they're taking
their slaves for a drag.

-No, we don't wanna
see Siegfried and Roy.

No, No!.

-Behind the green door.

-Boy, those kids are
really bad at tug-of-war.

-I'll say.

-Ended all screwed up.

-Shouldn't they have a
better loading system.

I mean, you know.

-You'd think so.

-OK, people, come on.

Two, three and step
and struggle and step.

All change and struggle.

Two, three, four and death
hands, people, death hands!

Come on!

Step, struggle, step and change.

[CHUCKLING]

-Go into the light!

-Hey, If you think this is
bad, this is only Purgatory.

-Ooh.

-No, you know, personally, I
think they're in the limbo.

-Rush Limbo?

-Doh, no.

-That would be more like hell.
-Come on.

Move ahead.

You pay at the second window.

Come on.

-Uh, uh oh, mom's here.

Run.

-Aaah.

-There they go.

-Queen Samara your poor
people can no longer

endure the endless human
sacrifice you impose on them.

-Man, she has huge legs.

-You know that I am your
most faithful subject.

-I see

-And that before you I
served your later father

with the same devotion.

-Check it out.

It's a life-size
achievement award.

-Listen to the desperate
cries of the mothers

of some of Samar.

The screams of the
innocent victims.

-But don't listen
to Neil Diamond.

-Queen Samara, you
cannot-- you must

not allow this wanton slaughter.

-OK, next!

-You are old, Gladio.

Old enough to
remember what happened

during my father's reign.

Long before I was born.

-Hey it's Jody from Family
Affair all grown up.

-I remember.

-Hi, Keepa.

-The fate that overtake
those who dared to rebel

is even worse than
the destiny we face.

But this just changed.

-Changed.

-Yes.

There exists a man.

One who's so marvelous--
whose courage

and whose strength and
allowed him to overcome

any danger that threatens.

-And do you think he'll
be able to conquer those

who reign on the
mountain of death?

-Yes.

If he were to lead
us, your people

could succeed in annihilating--

-Silence, you old fool.

You'll only destroy yourself.

[GOBBLE-GOBBLE]

-Samara, my queen,
I beseech you.

-I explore you.

-He is the only hope we have.

So don't take it away.

-I command you to stop.

-Send for this man.

He lives in Charen.

Send for him before
it's too late.

-OK, what's his number?

-Your people are tired.

-You dare to make threats.

-Uh-oh.

-Get out or for you
it'll be too late.

-He's a chest of drawers.

-OK.

-Is that my puddle?

-Oh.

-Fine, jerk-face.

-What was that?

-Nothing.

-OK, you're shapely.

-Hi, I'm a chocolate bar.

Break off bits of me
and enjoy me all day.

-Wow, she looks
like she was carved

to go on the bow of a ship.

-Gladio has lied to you.

The man from Charen
is about to arrive.

They must be meeting secretly.

-What's his name?

-Hercules.

-Yup, that's my cue.

Big Alan Steel.

Splash me on in the morning.

Wear the great smell
of me all day long.

-He's riding on
the horse's neck.

That's gotta hurt.

-(SINGING) I'll be coming
round the mountain when I come.

[MUMBLING]

-Huh, it's a living.

Huh.

-His body makes me feel funny.

-I know, I know.

-In the big country,
dreams stay with you.

-Now this next part's
here's a little tricky.

Gotta go between
some trees here.

-Hey, He took the
good tablecloth.

-(SINGING) Oh, who's the guy and
he's got big pecs and they call

him Herc-- Ho!

-What?

I musta missed the exit.

Huh?
What?

No?

I don't see the highway.

-(IN UNISON) Hercu-lee,
Hercu-laa, Hercu-lee,

Hercu-laa-ha-ha-ha,
Hercu-lee, Hercu-laa,

my backpack's filled
with pecs. [LAUGHTER]

-You know the best
scenic overlooks

are the scenic
overlooks that aren't

marked as scenic overlooks.

-It's true.

-You know, it all starts
looking the same after a while.

-Pretty much.

-I hate Mondays.

Hah.

-Ohh, sorry, Herc.

I tripped.

-I meant to do that.

Hah.

-Hey, he's got his
thong on upside-down.

-No, no.

-Not the twins.

-Oh, Rob Reiner, no.

-There he goes.

-It's a scrum.

-Oh, he's wearing
his swim trunks, eh?

-Seize him

-Father Murphy, no.

-When you agree to
a Greek all the way

from your last cigarette.

-Gymkata.

-Ha ha.

Meet semi-spear
in his orchestra.

Hahaha.

-I enjoy being a guy.

Yeah!

-Clean-up on aisle five.

Ha ha.

I love that one.

-Well, time for my Snickers.

[NEIGH] What took you so long?

I'm only kidding, Herc.

-It's not nice to
fool Mother Nature.

Hm.

Oh no.

The smoke alarm again.

Every time I heat a glazed
donut in the microwave--

-Huh?

Oh.

-It's Hamlet's dad.

Wrong film.

-Oh, that's right it's Thursday.

-It's a vision of
a Mexican wrestler.

-El Santo, I'm glad you're here.

-The ghost of Christmas Cuckoo.

-Samara, you have failed.

Hercules is alive.

He escaped from the
trap you set for him.

-He chewed his leg off.

-Alive?

But how could he avoid death at
the hands of my best soldiers?

-You underestimated that man.

-As long as he stays
alive he remains a threat

to that destiny
written in the stars.

We will not be able
to leave the mountain.

-We will not be undersold.

-And you will not become the
most powerful woman on earth.

-I promise you.

He will die.

[THEME MUSIC]

-Billis.

-My love.

-Say--

-Hey, who told him
that was a good look?

-When are we going to meet
openly in front of everyone?

I'm going to speak
to your sister.

-Not in that, you're not.

-No, don't go.

-Why are you so frightened?

After your own, my family
is the most noble on Samar.

-I've tried many times.

-Oh, cross your legs, please.

-To speak to her of my
future and of our love.

But I've always found
Samara strangely hostile.

-Yeah, but what a bod.

-Your sister brings only
sadness to everyone.

That's not fair to her.

-Face the facts.

The people are suffering.

They want to free
themselves from fear.

They want to destroy the
monsters of the mouth, mountain

and now they might
be able to do it.

-Is he a drum major?

-We could wipe them out.

But the queen is
still opposed to it.

-To fight against the mysterious
power of the monsters--

No one has ever
dared to do that.

I'm frightened Darix.

-Don't worry.

-I'm frightened, Darix, two too.

-I don't intend to lose you.

I love you and I
intend to marry you.

As soon as possible.

-After I finish school.

-I'll speak to Samara.

[COUGHING]

-She'll hear me out to the end.

I swear it.

-And if she doesn't
give her consent?

-Oh, Darix.

-This is my little
friend, Gorgon.

Say hello to the folks, Gorgon.

-Hello, folks.

-Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow.

-Are you Hercules?

-I could be.

-Yes, who are you?

What do you want?

-I'm to lead you to the
man who sent for you.

-She's a smurf.

-All right, up with you.

-I think I'm sitting
on the saddle horn.

-As a boy, you weren't
very convincing.

-I'm Agar, daughter of Gladio.

-What makes your father
send a girl to meet me.

And a child at that.

-I've no brothers and
my father trusts in me.

-Stop talking so fast.

-For the cause of
liberty and justice

I'm ready to do anything.

-Even to fight?

-That too.

If it's necessary.

-Would you fight me?

-Let's go.

I'll take you into Samar by
a route that only I know.

-By the way, do you ever bathe?

-Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow.

-Pizza, pizza.

-It is bassoon.

-Hey, this is my nice.

-It's the queen.

We must hide.

-Duhhh-- OK.

-This is wild.

I swear.

[CHUCKLING] Hey, how long
do I have to hide back here?

Oo--
-Shh.

Shut up.

-I saw you leaving the
city at daybreak, Agar.

-I'm greatly honored
that my queen should

take the trouble
to watch over me.

-If I do so it's
for your own good.

[GROWLING]

-And you were young.

So young.

You should be more prudent.

[SNIFFING] Wow, smells
like Gold's Gym in here.

-Witch rhymes with--

-What was that?

-Nothing, nothing, nothing.

-Look, It's a Mike
Douglas show set.

-Hercules, she's gone.

You can come out now.

-I knew that.

-I'm writing a spec
script for Aristophanes.

-Let me thank you, Hercules--
For answering my prayer.

-It was my father's friendship
for you that brought me here.

-Did anyone see you?

-Gotta go, gotta go,
gotta go, gotta go.

Sorry.
Bye.

-But a few weeks in Samar, I was
ambushed by a band of ruffians.

They must have mistaken
me for a rich merchant

with sacks of gold.

I changed their minds for them.

-Bandits.

-Hajji, Johnny, Race.

-That's strange.

All the roads that lead to Samar
are always carefully guarded.

Did you get a chance to
see who their leader was?

-Was it a guy with a big hat?

-He had a thick
black beard and there

was a long ugly scar
running down his cheek.

-Ah, Aphtali?

-Who is he?

-One of Mogol's soldiers.

And the right arm of the queen.

-The queen?

-Is she against you?

-Yes.

I'm afraid so.

[BUZZER] Uh-- Sarah, could
you get us some coffee?

-When her father, the
late king was dying,

the last thing he
said to me was--

[DEATH RATTLE]

-Watch over Samara.

Guide her-- Council her.

At the time I thought my
task would be an easy one.

However, full of arrogance,
and limitless pride.

I hate that woman.

But even with
unrestrained ambition,

I tried to induce her
to rebel against the--

-Oh, sure, but--

-That for years
has hung over us.

-You lost me.

-Everything third
new moon, our youth

is decimated by a sacrifice
that's barbaric and inhuman.

The next sacrifice
takes place tomorrow.

Hercules--

-Let's have cookies outside.

-That's why I sent for you.

You've always been
a great fighter

in the cause of justice.

And you've always
been the victor.

Will you lead the
people of Samar?

-No!

Oh, sorry.

I mean, yes.

Of course.

-That's what I'm
here for Gladius.

-That and I want to
get a kick-ass tan.

-But you won't be alone.

You will have every
courageous man in the city,

beginning with the young
prince Darix with you.

The cousin of the queen.

-Wow, she cleaned up real nice.

-Your daughter's as courageous
as she is beautiful.

-Will Leona win the
heart of Hercules?

-Let go, Daddy.

That's enough, please.

-I would have chosen a
more tranquil life for her.

Without fear.

-Have no regrets, Father.

Think of all the innocent lives
we'll save if we win our fight.

Oh-- Uh-- Yes, Hercules.

Still here?

-In leaving the palace
it wouldn't be wise

for you to take the same
route by which you entered.

-Oh, out the back door
for the Herc, huh?

-I'll show you the way.

Through the secret tunnel.

Follow me.

-Could you put some
lotion on my back.

-There we go.

Like it?

I just had it put in.

Don't know how I got
along without it.

-Bear care is a grill
in the open fireplace.

-Hm, I miss him.

Well, maybe not.

[GASP]

-A film crew!

-Porky's 2.

-This is the moment.

-Shave your head and
work your way north.

Oh, what's that code again?

Ohhh.

-Looks like they're
on a Doctor Who set.

-So it just goes on
and on like this, huh?

-My things are
really rubbing today.

[RUBBING]

-I hate this mall.

You can't find anything.

-And then I put in the shed.

I got bumper pool in the back.

Of course, Vernon's put up
some jam jellies and compotes.

[HUMMING]

-You ever get silver
fish down here?

-We're almost there.

-Good.

Where?

-They should have put the
restrooms closer to the dining

room.

-Hey, well it's not hard to find
once you know your way around

and of course it's-- Oh,
I forgot I put that there.

Dagnabbit.

-That too.

Watch the fall-- oh, shoot.

Sorry.

-Darn, kids!

-Well, let's go.

-Oh, no.

Archie just flushed.

-Kinda looks like they're
in a Starburst ad.

-It's not July yet.

-And now, ladies and
gentlemen, the most mystifying

and mysterious
booby trap illusion.

-The Malaysian
booby-trap illusion.

-The most mystifying
booby-trap of all.

-The biggest
booby-trap ever made.

-That's right.

It's the biggest,
bouncingest, booby-trap

that ever bounced a booby.

-Booby!

-Booby oobly!

[LAUGHTER]
-OK, you two .

Hey.

I need your attention.

Two lovely assistants.

Please, let's try
to keep it together

and present this
major stage illusion.

-Please forgive us.

We're behaving like
a couple of-- boobs.

-Oh, come on.

Be mature.

Come on.

Let's go.

-Come on It's just
the name of a bird.

-OK, OK.

We will now perform
the amazing illusion

whose name we're
not allowed to say.

OK, OK.

As you can see these are
real steel walls with, uh,

razor sharp, uh, knives
set in and poised

and ready to pierce
Joel's tender skin.

Let her rip.

-Booby-trap illusion.

The amazing booby.

Ta-dah!

Now we lift back the walls.

-OK.

-Ta-dah.

Pretty good.

Yeah, I actually
feel not too bad.

You know, from my experience
what with those steel

knives penetrating
my flesh and all.

You know, it could get--
it could be a lot worse.

-Joke has passed
the yellow marker

and is cleared for
landing on runway 32.

-Yeah, you know
when a person goes

through an experience
like that, you

imagine something to go wrong.

I mean, you know,
I'm only human.

But with those knives
coming in and all,

not really even
hurting me in least,

you'd think something
would wrong but it didn't.

Funny really.

-Gears locked and joke should be
touching down in just a moment.

-Are you sure about that, Joel?

Is there anything you need?

-Not really.

I mean I went through
the experience

with the knives and all.

And well, maybe a glass of water

-Joke is now landing.

-By all means.

[LAUGHTER]

-The joke has landed.

Please remain seated with your
seat in the upright position

until the seat-belt
light is turned off.

This has been the
satellite of love inviting

you to laugh at
least once a day.

It's fun.

We'll be back after this
word from Louise Headypowder.

-I gotta take a leak.

[LAUGHTER] Deep Hurting.

Deep Hurting.

[THEME MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER]

-Yes.

-OK.

I get the hint.

I'll bathe more.

-Trog, with Joan Crawford.

-Nice.

There she is.

-Irish spring.
Manly?

Yes.

But demi-gods love it too.

-Hey, fur kills, I guess.

-Dino, no!

-Ohh, Hercules, he likes you.

Who's just a good
monkey monster?

Who's a goodie monster?

-Oh.

-Huh?

-Big tooth.

[GRUNTING]

-Get your paws off me,
you damn dirty ape!

Or whatever you are.

-Young monster, you're
going to the orthodontist

whether you like it or not.

-Chompy, you're angry.

-Oh, brother.

This guy smells worse than I do.

-Take it back.

Take it back.

[GRUNTING]

-Ow.

-Oh, now what?

Look at this.

Pfah.

If it's not one
thing it's another.

-Will Hercules be
able to bend the bars?

Will the ape regain
consciousness?

Tune in again next week.

-You know, if he wasn't
so into that frontal shot

he probably could slip through
sideways-- if he just turned.

-Yeah, you're right.

-Ah, must be those new
hardened steel bars.

-Heard a lot about them.

-You know, I think this
exercise is working.

I can feel it here and here.

-Well, he's strong-- bar-none.

Get it?

Bar-none?

Sorry.

-Boy, it's a lot
easier this way.

-Super Bob Vila.

Whoa.

It's my manager.

Better hide.

-Damn.

Sounds kinda like Eraserhead.

Man-made chickens.

But they're new!

Agar.

-Hi, wanna go to snow days?

Just wondering if-- Uh-- Oh.

-It's not like he was
your dad or anythi-- Oops.

Oh.

Awkward.

-I couldn't do
anything to save him.

I'll never forgive
myself for it.

-You think it's easy to
find skin bronzer in here?

-There was nothing you could do.

We were being spied
on by Queen Samara.

I ran after you to warn
you, but we were too late.

-I think you got
a deer tick there.

-I only got hear in time to hear
the last words of my father.

-Now dad's a kebab!

-He ordered me to lead
you to the rendezvous

where he'd intended to take you.

You must join the
others so that they'll

know you're still alive
and won't abandon us.

-You know better than that.

I could never abandon Agar.

-Thank you, Hercules.

On your shoulders rest the
future of the people of Samar.

-I know.

-I have great
admiration for you.

-I will show you a way
out of the palace that

will lead us into open
country beyond the city walls.

We must be very
careful not to be seen.

As soon as night falls we
can come back to the city.

-He looks like a loaf of
split-top bread, doesn't he?

-Yuck.

-Uh-- Uh-- Can I
tell my story now?

I was in a big, wet
hole and I battled a--

-That's OK, Herc.

-Just traveling along,
singing a song, side by side.

Come on, sing.

-It looks like she's in Deep 13.

-It's a Heart video.

-Doo-do-do-doo.

-Well, around about
this time the old skunk

had gotten into the pepper pot.

-Uh-- Don't light the lantern
on fire-- Uh-- Conrad Janis.

-Yuck.
Boys.

-He broke his way
out of that chamber

as if it was made of clay.

The monster's been killed and
the iron bars are torn apart.

But there isn't any
trace of Hercules.

-But no one has ever gotten
out of these caverns alive.

-That man is superhuman.

With such strength we'll
never overpower him.

-I quit.

-Of course we will.

But it's necessary
to get him alone.

With none of his friends around.

-What friends?

-I know who they are.

-Dilly Fausis.

-Tomorrow I'll arrange to
send away Prince Darix.

-There's quite a spark
between those two, huh?

-Do you have men you can trust
to follow orders implicitly?

-Yes.

-Fine.

-Can I borrow a couple?

-They'll accompany you.

-Where?

-What does it matter.

-Only one thing I-- Ow!

-The essential thing is to
keep him from coming back.

And as for Hercules, I
want him taken alive.

He'll pay dearly for all
the trouble he's caused me.

-Good night now.

-The queen wouldn't deny
her sister anything.

-I know.

And I'm here to ask her for
the greatest favor of my life.

-Everyone at court knows the
only favor that will satisfy

the princess Billis--

-Guys, I am so
homesick right now.

-Uh-huh.

-What is it?

-Or what?

-I must talk to you, Samara.

-Get out.

-OK, I'll come back later.

-Hey, it's a Flintstone phone.

-I want you to promise
that you'll hear me out.

-I'll hear you out that
door is what I'll do.

-Haven't I always done so?

-Marlow Thomas is that queen.

-Don't you really
believe I'm fond of you?

-Don't say that, Samara.

Even if we didn't
have the same mother,

you've always been
a good sister to me.

And I'm grateful.

-I want it to be perfectly clear
that my attitude is dictated

solely by my affection for you.

-Of course.

And because of
that affection you

could make me the happiest
woman in the world.

Samara, Prince Darix loves me.

And if you'll only
give your consent,

we'll be married immediately.

-Looks like this movie's
equipped with airbags.

-Booo.

-Sorry, sorry.

-Ow.

-You can't refuse.

-Of course not.

How could I refuse you?

-No, no, no, no, no!

-In fact, I want you to marry.

But not as soon
as you would like.

-Oh, Samara, why are
you making us wait?

-It's been my intention
for a long time now

to send Prince Darix
to the court of Corrum

to conduct secret negotiations.

-Back in the frame, please.

-On a matter of the
greatest delicacy.

-Toilet paper.

-But he'll be back soon.

And you'll live
happily ever after.

-The end

-Oh, thank you.

Thank you, dear sister.

-Um-- Leave the ring, please.

-He'll be leaving first
thing tomorrow morning.

Though he'll be away from you,
it won't be for very long.

-Do-si-do with an evil queen!

-Are you satisfied?

-Oh, I'm so happy.

-Not for long.

-Gladius is dead.

Hercules has disappeared.

-And I'm outta here.

-The two of them were
the only hope we had.

There's nothing left to do.

-You can talk that way because
you don't have children.

But if you had a
daughter like my child

you'd understand the
anguish that a mother feels

then the moon is
full and you know

they're coming to take
her away to the sacrifice.

I know what it is.
-It's Lee Merriweather.

[WHISTLING]

-My wife is right.

We can't bear living this way.

-Mickey-- Mickey Rourke
[APPLAUSE]

-Anthrias, you're
the only one who's

been to the top of
the mountain of death.

Tell them what
happened to you there.

Speak out.

Tell us whether ordinary men
can overcome the monsters.

-I saw the mountain
open up miraculously

and I was bathed in a
blinding green light.

-It was great

-Then huge, deformed
rock-like creatures appeared.

And at the same
time I was deafened

by a weird sound
that seemed to come

from the depths of the earth.

After that I don't
remember anything.

I was so terrified I
was robbed of my senses.

I came to after a while.

And I found I was alone.

-You experience only
confirms the fact

that it will not be
easy for us to win.

-I think it's useless.

-Harvey Korman. [APPLAUSE]

Only Hercules can
fight the monsters

with any chance of surviving.

-All I can say is this.

I'm the cousin of the queen--

-Roddy McDowall, Hey!

-Whose attitude
seems to indicate

she's in love with our enemy.

I swear to you that
I'm not influenced

by any personal ambition.

The only thing I want
is to liberate Samar

from the nightmare
that's oppressing us.

-And to direct.

-Then my wife and
I will go away--

asking nothing--
expecting nothing.

-Lee Majors, ladies
and gentlemen!

-My name is Timor.

And it's on the
list of those who've

been selected as victims
for the sacrifice.

-Yeah, boohoo.

-But I'd prefer to die in
combat with the monsters,

if my death will help
to liberate Samar.

-Robert Stack! [WHISTLING]

-Quiet.

Don't let them hear you.

-Ex-nay.

Uh-- we were doing nothing.

It's Clevious.

He's doing it all.

-Paul Sorvino!

[APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING]

-Who is it?

-It's I, Agar-- with a friend.

-Agarn?

-Hm?

-Marlow Thomas,
ladies and gentlemen!

Marlow Thomas!

[APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING]
-It's Hercules.

We're saved!

-Welcome Hercules!

-Oh, it's Herc and
he's got the keg.

-I'm glad you're with
us safe and sound.

Our worries are over.

With you leading us we will win.

-Let me present Prince Darix.

-Prince.

[CLAPPING]

--Gladius thought very
highly of you, prince.

We'll get along well together.

[SQUEAKING]

-Uh-- Herc, you got hat hair.

-I know of the tragic
destiny that hangs over you.

But what would happen if
one day the people of Samar

were to refuse to send
the sacrificial victims

to the monsters in the mountain?

-I think it would go
something like this.

[THEME MUSIC]

-I never thought
the time would come

when I would greet
you with such joy

and in the same breath
have to say goodbye.

-Watch and you will
see that my horse

will fly on the
wind like Pegasus.

-Take care of yourself
and come back soon.

When can I hope
to see you again?

-In a few days.

-Soon.

-Have you spoken of
us to Queen Samara?

-Yes, when she was giving
me the instructions

for the mission I'm to
carry out for her in Corrum

she made several references
to our marriage plans.

-Pssst.

Hey, Chuck you getting this?

-But the way your sister spoke
it seems she has no objections.

They're sending me
off as her ambassador

with such good faith.

-Well now you're the
most important relative

of the queen.

-Hah, you really think so?

-You're right.

It's late and I must go.

-Kiss her!

Kiss her!

Kiss her-- Come on.

Why doncha kiss her instead
of talking her to death.

-Can we have a platonic
relationship before Plato?

-Not a minute longer.

-She's all gassed up, sir.

I vacuumed the inside too.

-Oooh!

-Ooh!

-I have regular saddles with
blankets sewn over them.

-Have fun storming the castle.

-Is it true that Darix
has been sent away

on orders from the queen?

-Yes.

-I might have known she'd
do something like that.

-What are you trying to say?

-He's toast.

-I don't wish to
alarm you, Billis.

But I think it's
necessary you be told.

The queen's aware that Darix is
taking part in the conspiracy.

-But you think he's in danger?

-Yes, I think he's
walking into a trap.

-Oh, Agar.

-Don't give up hope, princess.

Come with me.

I know a man who's powerful
enough to help us both.

And I'm sure he
won't refuse you.

-He's really reasonable and
won't charge for the extras.

-Oh, Rick's playing
cartoon tag over there.

-They're devolving.

-Oooh.

-Isn't he worried
dirt's gonna skip

to all that oil he's got on?

-Along that road they take
the victims to the sacrifice.

Beyond those woods and
rivers, the mountain of death.

-Let's buy a pass so we
can go on all the rides.

-Hercules!

-I thought you were out
of town this weekend.

Zeus is on line three.

You wanna take him?

-They told me at the
tavern you'd be here.

The Princess Billis
needs your help.

-At your service.

-The queen has sent Darix
away on a mission to Corrum..

-It's only a pretext.

She found out that Darix
is one of the conspirators.

-TImor, get my horse-- fast.

-Get my fast horse.

-Darix is already on the
on the road to Corrum?

-Yes, he left about an hour ago.

-Well, oh hi.

-You had better go back
to the palace, princess.

Don't be afraid.

Even if it costs me my
life, Darix will be saved.

-Hercules.

-Please don't go to
any trouble for us.

-I give him three months.

-Herc, would you help us move?

-Even if it costs my life.

-I trust you to get them
safely back to the city.

-Even if it costs you my
life-- oh, never mind.

-Yeah, now Herc'll go
to a bar for a few hours

and say he couldn't find them.

[CHUCKLING]

-(SINGING) She was
calling wild fire.

Wild--

-Ow-- Ow-- Owie Owie-- Ow-- Ow--
Ouch-- Ow-- Ouch-- Ow-- Owie--

Ouch--

-Ahh, then Corcorpium showed up.

-Hey-- Whoa.

-Sergei, keep it down, will you?

Jiminy.

-Hey, there's a lot of them
little guys down there.

-Thundering hoof-beats
and a mighty Hi-Ho Silver.

-Nooo, it's a cliff.

[TRUMPET]

-(IN UNISON) Hey,
it's the undersea

kingdom for young and it's fun.

[SIGH]

-Whoa, an apple tree!

-Oh, hi.

-Lawrence, of Arabia.

-Lawrence.

-So-- Um-- would you
call this a light trot.

-No it's really more of a
canter, but not quite a gallop.

-It's trottish though, I think.

And kind of light.

-Who-- Whoa.

Should get four-wheel
drive next time, Tom.

-What're you doing?

[THRUMM]

-Oh, I see.

Got it.

-It's an arrow
shirt he's wearing.

-Just a flesh wound.

-Bet that horse has no name.

-Hey, come back with my arrow.

-(SINGING IN UNISON) Marvelous
days, almost for you.

Sons of Hercules--
Sons of Hercules.

-Just drop me anywhere.

-Ouch.

-I'm a Grimwald warrior.

-Pizza, pizza,
pizza, pizza, pizza.

-Stop hurting him.

He's my friend.

-Ow.

-Crazy bread, crazy bread.

-Doh-hohoho.

Doh-hoho.

-I arrived just in time, prince.

-That's a matter of opinion.

-Don't worry about that.

We've got to think
about your wound.

-I can't think of anything else.

-That arrow was really in deep.

-You think so?

-At nightfall I'll get
you safely into the city.

[GROANING] Please.

-Was that a traveling mat?

-No, it's a crappy
special effect.

-I'm a traveling mat.

I've made a lot of stops.

-Forgive me, Father.

For all I think
about is sinning.

-We're ready to fight.

-Abe Vigoda, ladies
and gentleman.

[WHISTLING]

-And my sister?

-Sleeping like a baby after that
draft you had prepared for her.

The horses are already.

No one will see us.

-Let us go.

-Billis.

-Schlafly.

-Billis is in danger.

-This man is missing a nipple.

-Don't drip on the carpet.

-Save her.

-Now this stain's
not gonna come out.

We're gonna have to
go to the dry cleaner.

-The night of the
sacrifice-- the--

-Am I gonna make it, doc?

Will I still be
able to play piano?

-The queen-- watch out for her.

-The dwarf.

-He's delirious.

Leave him to me, Hercules.

I know certain herbs that can
cure even a wound like this is.

-Herb Edelman?

Herb can.

-Are you absolutely
sure that he was

attacked on orders
from the queen?

-Yes, I am.

They were her soldiers.

-What is it that's
turned her against even

her most faithful subjects.

-I think she's been
reading the op-ed pages.

-And explain why she's
so anxious to get me.

The queen didn't even know me.

She didn't know I
was coming here.

-But then she saw
your press pack, Herc.

But still she tried to have
me murdered on the highway.

And then she nearly caught me.

-Wait-- he's putting
Crisco on the wound.

Yuck.

-How could she always
guess where I'd be.

-The people say she has
powers that are supernatural.

She possesses a
magic powder, which

causes any man who
takes it to look

at her through the eyes of love.

They say she's never without it.

She carries it in a gold
locket around her neck.

-Well.

-That's useful to know.

When I eventually come face
to face with Queen Samara.

[LAUGHTER]

[THEME MUSIC]

-OK, you're all done.

Now, listen-- don't
take any food or water

for the next three
hours, all right?

-Wow.

Rico E. Suave over there.

-Why thank you, my
good fellow, say

you're looking rather Jean
Claude van Damme yourself.

-Oh?

You really think so?

You know, inside
every servo is an Alan

Steel waiting to get out.

OK, OK, Joel.

Ask me which way to the beach.

-Just hold it a
second, my beefy bots.

You need one more accessory to
really augment your ensemble.

-Huh?
What?

Say what?

-Yeah, you need
a new name that's

as big and brawny as your
new upper body implants.

-Oh right.

Well, what good is a tough
guy without a tough guy name?

-Yeah exactly.

You know, the
general rule of thumb

is that you take a-- have a real
virile first name, like Alan,

and then a second
name that sounds

like some kind of hard
surface like steel--

Alan Steel-- you get it?

-Oh, I get it.

OK, my new name is
the Drake Tungsten.

-Good.

-And you have call me that too.

-OK.

-OK, OK.

I dub me, Russ Tile Floor.

-Well, you know, I don't
know if that really

works because that makes
your middle name Tile

and you'd have to put
in quotation marks are

parentheses or something.

-Oh.

-Yeah, and then that would make
your last name Floor, which

really is not all that great.

-OK, OK.

How about this?

Ric, R-I-C, Drywall.

Ric Drywall.

-Well, Drywall
really isn't that-- I

mean it's not like
concrete or something hard.

-Yeah, Crow's right.

-Uh, Drake.

-Uh, Drake's right.

-OK, Fine, fine.

-Uh, hey, Tom how
about Adam Plexiglas.

-Yeah, or Vic Kevlar.

-Nick Pig-iron.

-Look, just forget it, OK?

-Jim J. Bullock.

-Now that's not funny.

Just drop the whole thing
Just drop it now, OK?

-Well, listen, maybe you could
be one of those tough guys

without a tough guy
name like Sylvester

Stallone or something.

-Oh, don't patronize me, Joel.

-Oh, ah, Tom, I hate to
tell you but you just

rejected your donor limbs.

-I know that.

Don't you think I know that?

I'm living it.

I know it.

I'm here I'm living it.

-Hey, Servo, I just thought
of a good name for you.

-Really? what?

-Danny No Arms.

-Lemme at him!

[WARNING KLAXON]

-Freddy Fireplex.

-Shut up, bro.

-Tommy Torso.

-I ain't seen my
arms back, Joel.

-Hercules, they're here.

-You in there.

Can you hear me?

Open up, I said!

-I'll move the dead guy.

You get the door.

-Open.

-Sesame.

-My daughter.

-Your daughter what?

-Stay calm.

Go on.

Go on.

-Bako?

-Who is it?

I'm doing the dishes

-Caesar, Caesar.

-Don't attempt to resist.

We're here to take
your daughter.

Where is she?

-No!

-I think she's over
there somewhere.

-Seize the girl.

-All right, help yourself.

-OK, but you have to
have her home by 11.

[SCREAMING]

-Let go of that girl!

-Watch me rock.

-Ooh.

Good thing they made everything
out of balsa wood back then,

huh?

-Ohh, right in the store.

-Oh-- owie.

-It's a barrel of fun.

-Barrel of Hun.

-Gilligan, no!

-Gilligan, yes.

-Behold, the only thing
greater than yourself.

-Now there's two guys in there.

-Aikiba!

-Uh-- batter up.

Gymkata.

Boss Martin.

-Gymkata.

-Oh, neat.

-Ah, a flamer.

-I love my job.

-Pizza, pizza this.

-Hercules.

-Here.

-There's no time to be wasted.

They'll be returning
with reinforcements.

You must find a safe
place but Darix.

-I know a place
where he can hide.

-That one was just for me.

-Hm.

Someday that's gonna be a mall.

-Yup, nice one.

-Hercules.

-Oh, that's me.

Here, hold this guy, will you?

I'll be right back.

-Listen, I know I said
I'd call but I was

attacked by guards and then oh--

-Billis has been taken.

I saw her in chains with
the other prisoners.

-Go on ahead.

They're on the march?

-Yes, but don't go now.

You can't do anything alone.

I beg you, wait for the others.

-No.

That might be too late.

-What would become of me, if
anything should happen to you?

-Don't worry.

-There are other
demi-gods out there.

-Hello, Laverne.

-Hi, Shirl.

bum-- bum-- bu-- bum-- bum--
bum-- bum-- bum-- bum-- bu--

bum-- bum.

-On your left.

-Oh, Looks like they bagged
their limit today, huh?

I guess what they say
about lemmings isn't true.

Really forced busing.

-(SINGING) Chain-- Chain--
Chain-- Chain of fool.

You know it's never as fun
as it looks in the brochures.

-I hate these cattle calls.

-Ooh-- yeah.

It looks like somebody
got beer on the film.

-Ooh.

-So I said, why don't
you try pushing the rope?

OK, I'll be the slave.

I'm sorry.

-Isn't this a drag, folks?

-A little pun there
for the chain gang.

-Hey, I'm not enjoying this.

It's my job.

-Dun-- dun-- dun--
dun-- do-doo-- do-doo--

-Tri-star-- Oh,
I'll try it again.

Tri-star Pictures.

There good one.

-OK, sit.

Stay.

That's a good horse.

Oh, such a good horse.

Oh yes.

-Ooh.

-I coulda gone my whole
life without seeing that.

-(SINGING) Little genie.

Dun-- dun-- dun-- Wanna
dance with somebody.

I feel--

-Ah, Herc, they're all dead.

-Ohh.

-Oh, come on.

You've been resisting for
300 miles-- now, come on.

-We're planning to
move the sacrifice

area closer to the city.

-Those toroks are rather
harsh, aren't they?

-I'm-- Uh-- starting to
feel like Bob Mantell.

-Boing-- Boing--
Boing-- Boing-- Boing--

-Man, I'm stuck jelly
tight in this thing.

-Here they come.

-(IN UNISON) Surprise!

-Happy birthday.

[COUGHING]

-So they're dragging
them along, eh?

-Ah, yes

-Geez, these guys are
getting harder to pull.

-The bad news Is the
chief wants to water ski.

-Ooooh.

-Oh-- Oh-- my spine.

-Come here.

-Leave him alone
you big bullies.

-Come, princess.

-But you're not Billis.

-Well you're not Steve Reeves.

-Oh no it's a giant
netted slingshot.

[GRUNTING]

-Now wait.

He-- He can bend steel but
he can't break through a net?

-We've got you at last.

-Ah, Hercules.

-Next week on Hercules
versus the Moon Men.

-Please do not
touch the exhibit.

-It's Kim Cattrall.

-No.

-Where?

-There is nothing wrong
with your television set.

-Hm.

-And there's Marcia Brady.

-I'm next to the mud bath.

-You see?

-Oh, not this guy again.

I was having a moment.

-They're absolutely, identical.

-That is why I ordered you
to bring the princess here.

-Looks like the great
rootbearer, doesn't it?

-Our queen, Selena, will
awaken from her long sleep

and will live again through
the blood of Billis.

--(IN UNISON) Ewww.

-You're my own sister-- you
brought me here to kill me.

How could you be such a monster?

-Oh, come on.

We've never been that close.

-But it isn't true.

Samara!

-Look into your heart.

-Samara-- Samara.

-(SINGING) I love you, Samara.

-No!

-Hakiba.

-Hm.

Whoa.

-No!

-The monsters of rock tour.

[SCREAMING]

-Wanna get stoned?

[CHUCKLING]

-(SINGING) Everybody
must get stoned.

[CHUCKLING]

-Stud?

-It's the inhumanoids.

-Sorry you had to
see that there.

-The sacrifice will take
place tomorrow night.

Behold.

-Bring a dish to pass.

-When the planet Saturn comes
into conjunction with Mars,

and under the evil
influence of Uranus--

-Oh, he means Tuesday.

-Then will occur
unimaginable disasters.

The oceans will rise.

The mountains crumble.

And inexorably, our moon
will draw near the earth.

-Oh, they woulda
done that anyway.

-Yeah.

-Through this cataclysm, only
our form of life can survive.

-Huh.

-After the long night

-I can see his lips move.

-Yeah.

-We shall become the
masters of the earth.

-Does that make me Mrs.
Master of the earth?

-But how shall I live then?

-Yeah, I'll check the manual.

-You will have the
reward you have earned.

-It's a new car!

-Your beauty will never fade.

And your power will
be equal to ours.

You will possess all
the riches of the world.

-Hm, cool.

-But remember,
that there is still

one task you must carry
out-- kill Hercules.

-Oh.

-Have no fear.

-Underdog is here.

-Hercules is
already in my hands.

He will die.

-Hm.

Hi.

Oh.

-I do this all the time.

It doesn't hurt at all.

[GRUNTING] Hi, Hercules.

Aren't you gonna wave to me?

-Oh, hi-- uhh!

-Don't wave.

-Good thing they left
space for his hands.

-Come on.

Uh-- Ah-- There you go.

That's the way.

-Not to the face.

-It-- It's still falling.

I'm still smiling.

Hah.

You see?

--(SINGING) Dang me.

Dang me.

I'm about to take
a rope and hang me.

-Come on.

Sing.

-Break time.

-Gregory Pecks.

Oooh.

-Oh.

So the spikes are gonna stab him
if he let's go-- I just got it.

Oh.

-Hm.

-Ah, nipple cam.

-Ooh.

-Bonnie Raitt.

She's a survivor, you know.

-So he's really strong?

-Mhm.

-Huh.

-A piercing problem.

Will Hercules escape?

Tune in next week.

Same Herc time.

Same Herc channel.

-Uh.

Could somebody scratch my nose?

-Trailers for sale or rent.

Rooms to let. [GRUNTING]

-Bet those things
are hard to clean.

-Well actually no.

They fold down.

There's a nice,
convenient brush.

-Oh really?

-Well, you know the machine
doesn't see Hercules the way

you or I do.

The machines sees Hercules as
a series of ones and zeros.

-I was wondering.

-Mhm.

-Boy, it's getting close.

Woo.

-It's indicating his pecs.

-Bronzer.

Check it out.

-Hm.

-Oh, yes.

Oh.

Yes.

Yes.

-Pl- Please, God.

I'm-- If you get me out of this
I promise I'll do anything you

want.
I promise.

-Tickle, tickle.

-Tie me kangaroo.

-You know if you
squint real hard it

looks like he's being stuck with
several Transamerica moments.

-Headache tension.

[GROANING]

-I'm sending you
good vibes, Herc.

I am.

-Yes.

-Hey.

I'm gaining on them.

Hah.

[THRUM]

-(IN UNISON) Whee.

-Stop.

-In the name of love.

-So lunch?

-Conduct him to my quarters.

[ACAPELLA SAXOPHONE]

-Oh, look.

A smokey.

-Very funny guys.

-All of you go.

-But why are you
laying like tha-- Oh.

-Mhm.

-Oh.

-Huh.

-Cheap cuffs.

Here let me just-- [GRUNTING]

-A hundred lances
pointed at your heart.

Just one little
gesture from me and you

would have been lying
at my feet-- a dead man.

-Well, I could still lie at
your feet if you want me too.

-But I prefer the
challenge you offer alive.

[DOG PANTING AND
WARNING KLAXONS]

-I know that you're
strong enough to crush me.

-I'm Hans Christian Anderson.

-But it's worth the risk.

Why all you'd have to
do is reach out a hand--

[CHOKING] Ow, just kidding.

-And break my neck the way you'd
break the stem of a flower.

-You are one spooky chick.

-Why don't you do it.

-You have nothing
to fear from me.

-But fear itself.

-Now that I've seen you, I can
no longer rebel against you.

-Sorry?

-I want to stay with you.

It's Hercules who asks this.

No slave is as
faithful as I would be.

-Hm.

-It's daddy.

Come on, me-- Herc.

-Let me close the drapes, sir.

Put on the stereo.

-I am always getting
into these situations,

Call it Life of Riley.

-Hm?

[WARNING BUZZER]

-Plot point-- plot point--
plot point-- plot point.

[WHISTLING]

-Come, Hercules.

Come and drink to
our friendship.

-Hm, now you would
assume that I would

think that the poison
was in this cup.

-We'll toast our union-- the
strongest force in the world.

-I want the Garfield cup.

-We don't know what the
future has in store for us.

But you'll never be
sorry that you've

taken your place at my side.

-Hm, his lips are strong too.

-My queen.

-Get out.

-I'm sorry, majesty
but it's urgent.

-Wait outside.

[CRIES OF DISGUST]

-Aren't we gonna find
her irresistible now?

-Ohh, Herc's been
working with Uta Hagen.

I guess.

-Good, Herc.

Good.

-Hm, Herc very sleepy.

Must get shut-eye.

-I'm so sleepy I can
barely keep awake.

-Hm, now I think I'll
dress him up a bit.

Hm.

-Well, who's next on my list?

-Darix Is alive.

-And well and living in Vegas.

-He was rescued by Hercules
who who fell upon us

and massacred the entire escort.

-Where's Darix now?

-I don't know, my queen.

I was badly wounded.

But I managed to
drag myself here.

-To tell her you
failed in your mission?

Execute him.

-No-- No-- No!

-Harsh.

-Darix free means
trouble for us.

We must capture him.

-That's not difficult.

All we have to do
is follow Agar.

-And follow our bliss.

-Hm.

[ACAPELLA SAXOPHONE]

-Oh yeah, it's a buffet.

-You thought you could trick
Samara, but I'm too clever.

[SNORING]

-When at last you wake up you'll
be my most faithful slave.

-You know, all these movies
revolve around Herc sleeping.

-Mhm.

It's because he can
remember how to do it.

-Why's he laying on a
big cupcake wrapper?

-He's cream-filled.

-Ohh.

-Herc, you scamp.

-Doh-ho-ho.

-You know, I've
been to paradise,

but I've never been to me.

Hm, nice-- nice digs.

-Fluff these up-- sit back.

Just wait for the
chicks to roll in.

-Life of Riley--
yup, Life of Riley.

It's good.

[THEME MUSIC]

-He's there to
conspire against me.

You've helped our
enemies and you've

fallen in love with Hercules.

-Good job, McLeod.

-I ought to punish you
with death for this.

But too much blood
has already been shed.

And now that Hercules
is in my power,

you no longer represent
any danger to us.

[GOBBLING]

-Get out.

I banish you from Samar.

Leave my kingdom forever.

-You're fired.

Clean out your dress.

[SOBBING]

-Now, way to banish her.

Huh.

You're great.

-(SINGING) It's the
shiny little hiney

with the fringe on the top.

[CHUCKLING]

-I must dress.

-No, you mustn't.

Your wound hasn't healed.

And where would you go?

The minute you go outside
they'll catch you.

-Timor, you've already
taken great risks.

And I'm very grateful.

-Iron my pants, will you?

-But I cannot wait any longer.

-Oh, please, here
put your top on.

You'll feel better.

-Billis has completely
disappeared,

Hercules is in the dungeons
and there's no news from Agar.

-There-- Doesn't
that make it nice?

-Perhaps she's also in
the hands of the queen.

-Well, who hasn't been in
the hands of the queen.

-Soon it will be night and
I must talk to our friend.

-Now cough.

-See how weak you are?

I'll go myself.

Just tell me what to say.

[KNOCKING]

-Timor, it's Agar.

Open up.

-Ah, lousy Jehovah's witnesses.

Hey, For wait a minute.

I'll get rid of them.

-Yeah.

-Uh-- Hi, look.

We just sat down
to breakfast-- Oh.

-Agar.

We thought you were--

-Yes.

But I was sent into exile.

We must try to save Hercules.

-And Billis?

-She wasn't among
the other victims.

-Where is she?

-I don't know.

Hercules was trying
to find her. [SCREAM]

-Don't run.

LAPD.

[ACAPELLA DRUMMING]

-Ooh.

Is this 926 Maple?

Aw, geez.

We got the wrong address.

Sorry.

-Meanwhile, in Heff's grotto.

-(SINGING) Come
here, young children

and bring me your wine.

Ohhh, bitter dregs.

-Send them away.

-Now to bring them back.

I love it when you do that.

-Fine.

-Is that a polar bear rug?

Oh, no.

It's his horse.

-Why did you ride
here to do that?

-Because I wanted to
be alone with you.

-Because I want to know what
makes you, Queen Samara, tick.

[KISSING] Hey, you
taste like Steve Reeves.

Yeah.

Mhm.

-Samara.

You told me many
marvelous things.

-You told me a fabricated story
that wouldn't convince a child.

-You said that at
your side I would

become the most powerful
man in the world.

Yet, you never explained
how these things

would come to pass.

-Hey, Herc.

James Brolin wants
his beard back.

-After tonight, you'll
know the answer.

-I don't understand how in
the space of a few hours

you can change our destiny.

What can happen of
such great importance?

-You must have faith in me.

Tonight you'll be at my
side and you'll know.

You'll be able to see
with your own eyes

that I've told you the truth.

-I saw it with my own eyes.

What a dumb expression.

-The important thing now is
that you tell me you love me.

-On our first date?

Ouch.

-I love you, Samara.

-And you've never loved
anyone else as much?

-Well, I had a dog once, but--

-Do you think I wear
too much makeup?

[SLURPING]

-Oh, JP Morgan gonged her.

-Ooh.

-My blankie.

-You know them?

-Yes.

-They were the ones who
tried to set me against you.

-And she?

Wasn't she your friend?

-Friend?

She's just a girl who took
me in, like the others.

-How can you betray us?

-I told you that you were
completely in my power,

didn't I?

And I also ordered you
to get out of my kingdom.

-And Isaac Hayes
wants his vest back.

-What sentence shall
I decree for them.

-Hmm.

Something crunchy.

-The death penalty.

-All around.

On the house.

-A slow death.

Let them die of starvation.

Give them plenty
of time to regret

having taken up
arms against you.

-This isn't you.

It's not possible.

-He's right.

Take them away.

And see that the
orders are carried out.

-Right.

Two slow deaths coming up.

-Hey, Bob, We need
two slow deaths.

Rack them.

-Snaggletoothy.

-Listen to me.

I understand your doubts
because I share them.

Did you think I was
naturally a war-like spirit?

-Well, yes.

-I am only a tavern-keeper.

But also I know that this is
the moment for us to stand up

like men or we'll
never know what

it is to be free men again.

[GROANING]

-And just what do
you expect us to do?

They know who we
are and soon they'll

be coming here to arrest us.

-Timor's been killed.

Darix is in the
hands of the queen

and we don't even know
whether Hercules is alive.

-Hercules isn't a
man to let himself

be put out of the
way that easily.

-I agree with Thersius.

I have a son.

I don't know whether
he's dead or alive.

But that doesn't
change anything.

-Let me in, I say.

-Orders are orders.

-Soldiers.

-You can let him in, Reinon.

-Chong.

-An officer of the royal guards.

-Can we get some service here?

-Rubio.

What are you doing here?

-I know just what you and your
companions are plotting to do

and it would have been very
easy for me to have taken you

by surprise and had
you put to death.

-It's John DeLorean!

-Instead I'm asking
to let me join you.

The Army is with me.

We must fight together against
Mogol and the household guard.

-Are you serious?

You who have sworn
a military oath?

-No man of honor can
be tied by an oath that

requires that he cover
himself with shame.

-Certainly not.

Certainly not.

-What's more, my soldiers are
men of the people like you.

-We're men of the people.

[MURMURING]

-And they also have women
and children to defend.

-He's right.

Come on, men.

Let's storm the palace.

-Killing's OK.

Yeah!

-Come here, Hercules.

Look at that.

-A ceiling fan?

-Oh, come on.

Let's love.

-It's from the moon
that my power will come.

-From the moon?

What do you mean?

-Now that I'm really
sure of your loyalty.

[SQUEAKING]

-I'm able to tell you

-You're greasy.

-For many years,
my ancestors were

sorcerers to monsters
of the mountain.

But I've gone even further.

I'm their ally.

-Geez, and I made love to you?

-You?

Allied with them?

-Yes.

They are powerful, Hercules.

But despite their power,
without me they're helpless.

-What help could you give them?

-401K, health plan, the usual.

-I gave them Billis.

-Yikes.

-What?

-I can just imagine
what you've given me.

-In the hands of the stone men.

Her sacrifice will revive
Selena, their queen.

-Where is Billis?

-In the mountain of death.

-Perfect.

That's exactly what
I wanted to find out.

-What are you saying?

-You thought you had
me under your spell.

But your magic's filter
didn't work on me.

I knew what I was
doing all the time.

And now I must liberate
Darix and Agar.

-Yes.

Oh, she got one of those, huh?

I hate that.

-Aw, crap I sang like a bird.

-Grab the gusto of
life Herc's way.

-Now back to what I love.

This is what I was built for.

Not figuring out
secret passages.

Good old-fashioned
violence, yup.

[LAUGHTER] back in town.

-Me next, me next.

Twirl me, twirl me.

-Pizza, Pizza my
ass. [CHUCKLING]

-You've been gonged.

-Now this-- this is
something I'm good at.

Let's face it, this
is my strong suit.

I'm no Rhodes scholar
but I have a real knack

for this sort of thing.

I'm glad I chose kicking butt
as a career. [CHUCKLING] Now

back to some fun, huh?

Come on, join me.

Ah, there we go.

Let's dance, hah.

-He's doing the hay-maker.

Doh.

[SCREAMING]

-Well, I guess you
won't be needing that.

-He's going into the dungeons.

-Hm?

-Do-doo-- do-doo-- do-doo.

Ouch.

-There he is,

-Sorry, you can't get in
without a backstage pass, haha.

-Uh, do you have a bobby pin?

I can't-- Uh.

-Wilma!

-I knew you weren't a traitor.

-Let's roll.

-Hurry.

-He mustn't get out
of the palace alive.

Kill him.

-Joel, I hate movies
where the men wear shorter

skirts than the women.

-Boy, don't you know it?

I can just imagine
a common scene

from the days of
ancient Greece--

Oh, hi, Hercules have a seat.

No!

No, no, no.

-You are so right little lady.

But hey Cambot,
Queue up the music.

That's why we put together a
little musical presentation

honoring one of our
favorite garments.

It's a little thing
we like to call pants.

-(SINGING) Pants.

Pants.

Sing the praises of pants.

Nothing better shows
my taste than what

I wear below my waist.

Say, pants.

Pants.

Sing the praises of pants.

They help me suck in my gut.

They always cover up my butt.

Pants.

Pants.

Sing the praises of pants.

Wear them and you're a cool guy
as long as you zip up your fly.

Zip pants.

Pants.

Saving upgrades in the pants.

That's right, ladies
and gentleman.

Consider the pants.

You know, the Pants
Association urges

you to wear your pants at
least three times a day.

-The great men of
our time have all

worn pants-- Roosevelt,
Churchill, DeGaulle, Gandhi.

-Well, almost all of them.

-Dolphins, one of the
smartest mammals on earth.

Do they wear pants?

No.

But they wish they did.

That's how smart they are.

-What keeps our legs
all warm and hot?

-Pants.

-What prevents a buffalo shot?

-Pants.

-What have they got
that I ain't got?

-Pants.

-Ha, you can say that again.

-Huh?

-Pants, mm, pants.

Pants.

Deep Hurting.

Deep Hurting.

-Go ahead and sing, panty waist.

In a moment, you're going
to be knee-deep in sand.

And then it'll be
Joe Robinson, R.I.P.

-Rest in pants?

[SNEEZING]

[THEME MUSIC]

-You're locking
it from your side.

Wait.

I'll open it in a minute.

Gee.

-Call in Stanley, the
garage door opener.

Ho.

-How about a little
fire, Scarecrow?

[MAKES TRUMPET NOISE]

-Oh, come on.

You're only making it
worse for yourself.

I'm Hercules.

-Owie.

-My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father.

Prepare to die.

-You die, Joe.

Ha ha.

-Ah geez, that was really dumb.

What was I thinking?

- Good one, Hercu-loser.

-Hey.

This is wild.

I've never killed a
guy like this before.

Neat.

-Oh, they want an encore.

[WHISTLING]

-Oh, it's the open auditions
for Torch Song Trilogy.

-Hercules is already on the way.

Let's go.

-Well, guys, you know,
this movie is pretty bad

but it's nothing
we can't handle.

-Yeah.

I don't know what that whole
"Deep Hurting" stuff was about.

-Yeah.

-Oh no.

-Oh.

-It's a sandstorm scene.

Oh, help me.

-It's OK.

Be cool.

It's just now there's a scene.

Let's just riff like normal.

Nothing to worry about.

I'll lead.

-Dorothy.

Dorothy.

-What was that?

-It was after the apocalypse.

They had to get to
the power station.

They weren't prepared for that.

Robot holocaust.

-How about this?

-Dune.

Desert planets.

-Mhm, mhm.

-We're doing it, OK.

-Oh boy, she could
really use a DustBuster.

Oh ho.

-And it looks like downtown
St. Paul after 5 o'clock

in the afternoon.

-Oh, she's wearing hair
epoxy because it's wind

tunnel tested.

-(SINGING) Everyone
knows it windy.

Bum bum bum.

-You know, this is kind of like
seeing bad performance art.

-Oh, like seeing performance
art, in other words.

-Oooh.

-Ouch.

-Stingy.

-Oh, so what's the
Pope doing here?

-Redolphis.

Redolphis.

-Red rover, red rover,
let moonmen come over.

-Redolphis, save me.

In a moment, Hercules
will be here.

-You betrayed us.

-You be forty, you be blake.

-It's clobbering time.

-No.

No.

No, don't kill me.

I didn't betray you.

I'm the one who's betrayed.

No.

No.

-(SINGING) We will,
we will rock you.

-No, Redolphis, stop them.

Help.

Save me.

No.

No.

-It's Stonehenge on ice.

-No.

Help.

Save me, Redolphis, stop them.

No.

No.

-Oh no, not the Rock
'Em Sock 'Em Robots.

They're gonna
knock my block off.

-How humiliating-- she's
being killed by a patio.

-Oh.

Well, those things
are great because you

can hose them right off.

-Oh no.

-Joel, I'm getting nervous
about this sandstorm thing.

-Don't worry, little buddy.

Just keep the quips coming.

We'll be OK.

-OK.

-Oh, this is like a
bad Antonioni movie.

-Like an Antonioni
movie, in other words.

-Ba-boom.

-Boy, geez, I wish I
had my shirt on now.

My nips are burning.

-Jingle bells, jingle
bells-- oh, pardon me.

-Selene, Selene.

-Wanna get up?

We're going to grandma's now.

-At last, your hour has come.

-I've got to go lend my
outfit to Amon or David Bowie.

-Oh, he's cutting her
with a pizza knife.

-Pizza, pizza.

-Alvin.

-Chicago style.

-Ouch.

-Ew, I hate that part of my job.

-What?

Aw, cripes, I should really
get that leak fixed up there.

-Well, the chibi pop's done.

-And I don't care.

-Ew.

-Yuck.

-Oh wow.

-Drop, by drop, this
blood will bring you back

to life, my Queen.

-Oh, she's packing excelsior.

-Follow me.

-[MOANS]

-Oh, Joel, it's a sandstorm.

-Sandstorm, guys.

-Sandstorm.

-Yep, sandstorm.

-Couldn't just one person
have gone and reported back?

-This is what they get
for going to Kansas

during tornado season, huh?

-Right.

-And do the locomotion with me.

-But the Berenstain Bears could
find nowhere to picnic, so--

-Back with the others.

-Quick, before the
film starts again.

-Move.

-Come on, keep moving.

-Hurry, we're losing
all the top soil.

-They're goes Nebraska.

-I tell you, when Herc breaks
wind, everybody suffers.

-Oh.

-Sorry.

-We should've checked
the weather channel.

-Well, you know, this
is really killing time.

I could figure we
can do three or four

more minutes, what do you think?

Huh?

Maybe?

-I hope so.

-I'm an axe-wielding maniac.

-(SINGING) And he's dancing
like he never danced before.

-Right, moon over parador there.

-So this is Chicago, huh?

-Uh, oh shoot.

I lost my contact.

Everybody stop where you are.

Don't step.

[CRACK]

-Somebody's having their
blood pressure checked.

-Ew.

-Vroom.

-It's icky.

-Oh, Louise Brooks.

Manolovich.

-I think there's a
short in the fan.

-Welcome to the crypt.

I've got a bone
to pick with you.

Ha ha ha

-Shut up.

-Kind of like a freaked
out View-Master.

-Yes.

-We now return to
endless summer.

-I think I'm gonna break
this for the heck of it.

There we go.

-Yes, ma'am.

-Oh, I lost my retainer.

-This is like an Outward Bound
weekend gone horribly wrong,

isn't it?

-Well, this is what they
get for trying a shortcut.

-Ah, these are the outtakes
From Here to Eternity I think.

-No, Joel.

This is just eternity.

-You're right.

-It's like True Grit.

Boy, imagine what
it would be like

if something were happening.

It'd be--

-Look, all the hair's been
blasted off Herc's chest there.

-Mm hm.

-What do you know?

-OK, that's enough.

We've had it with the
sandstorm sequence.

-Easy, Joel, easy.

-Oh, for crying-- they're up
there on the same set again.

[SIGH]

-You know, the Mads said
this was going to be bad,

and you know what?

-Hm?

-They're right.

This sucks.

Damn you.

Come on.

Get-- This is-- [SOBBING]

-Come on, buck up.

-Hey.

None of us can go
on any further.

-We'll meet you there.

We'll get a table.

We'll order you a sandwich.

[LAUGHING]

[TURNS TO SOBBING]

-Please end this scene.

Oh please, oh please.

-It's OK.

Let it out.

Let it out.

That's good.

-We got problems, too, lady.

-Help the bombardier.

-I am the bombardier.

-Well then, help him.

-Guys, I think I'm giving
in to Deep Hurting.

-No, no, no, Joel.

No.

I got an idea.

Let's sing songs, OK?

-OK, uh huh.

-(SINGING A ROUND) Row,
row, row your boat,

gently down the stream.

Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily, life

is but a-- come on, sing.

-I don't want to.

-Oh come on, sing.

-(SINGING) Life is but a dream.

[THEME MUSIC]

-I said sing, damn it, sing.

-(SINGING AND CRYING)
Row, row, row your boat,

gently down the stream.

-Come on, you
guys, knock it off.

Come on.

We can make it if we
can resume, come on.

-OK.

I never should have
gone to the Sands Hotel.

-Good, good.

Keep it coming.

-There's gonna be rock climbing.

No.

No.

-Please, don't.

Don't.

Don't.

Herc, don't bend
over, don't bend over.

Please, don't.

-Phew.

-Thanks for turning around.

Herc you're a real gentleman.

Appreciate it.

-We're gonna make it, guys.

-Oh yeah.

Yeah.

That's the spot.

That feels good.

-This is taking kind of a
Herculean effort, isn't it?

[LAUGHTER] [SIGH]

-Boy, I shouldn't
have ever taken

that week off from the gym.

-It's getting hotter.

-Please.

-The burning, the itching.

Try Cruex.

-Ooh.

It's a Dali painting.

-I could watch that all day.

-Here comes someone
who can help you.

-Why is he wearing oven mitts?

-See you on the dull
side of the moon.

-Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.

Doo-do-- doo-do.

-(SINGING) Mr. Yuck is green.

-I'd say a little more blush and
a little less brownser for her.

Kind of a fall look.

-Meanwhile two hours later.

[FART_NOISES] [CHUCKLING]

-No!

No!

No!

No!

Not more sand.

No.

[SOBBING]

-This is like the planet
of 98 pound weaklings.

Everyone gets sand
kicked in their face.

-Mhm.

-Perhaps we'll find her
on the mountain of death.

Come on.

-Come on, even
though he's gone we

can still make this movie dull.

Come on.

He would've wanted it that way.

Who're they talking about?

-I think they should just
call the school picnic off,

don't you?

-This your brain on drugs.

Any questions?

-As a matter of fact--

-(SINGING) Let's go surfing now.

Everybody's learning how.

-Yeah, I was looking
for the ultimate wave

and I found it on Death
Mountain-- Perfect wave.

[GHOST CRIES]

-Oh, Steven mad at this movie.

-It's a gas.

-Yeah.

-(SINGING) The weather
started getting rough.

The tiny ship was--

-Least we don't have
sandstorm anymore.

-I've seen dogs do
that on the driveway.

-Ewww.

-Oh, I should have
brought my totes.

-Oh my goodness.

It's the great urinal cake.

[SNIFFING]

-Nein.

-Dianetics, by L. Ron Hubbard.

-Why do I hurt inside?

Page 54.

-When will this
stupid movie end?

Page 38.

-How much money can we
get out of Tom Cruise?

Page 25.

[SCREAMING]

-Neat.

-Ah, I told you you'd come
crawling back to the Herc.

[CHUCKLING]

-Eww.

-The world is having
a Maalox moment.

-I guess so.

-Well I gotta hand it
to those mad scientists.

This was one of worst
sequences and one

of the worst movies
we've ever seen.

[SIGH]

-Just set myself anywhere.

Hm.

-Oh you know, this is
like the scene in Dune.

You know when the imperial
copter comes crashing down

and Paul and
Jessica are stranded

and Jessica says Yueh, Yueh
and are not enough for Yueh

and then they gotta
get the drums in

and the fact that-- never mind.

-It's a woman in the dunes.

-It's a cowgirl in the sand.

-Oh, I'm gonna make a castle.

That's what I'll do.

-Hoo.

Really long, pointless
scene back there.

Whoa.

Staggering.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

-Finally.

-All right.

-Get a piece of this rock.

[CHUCKLING] Sorry.

-Sticks and stones.

Hahahah.

-Right in the stones.

I like that.

Hahah.

-Kinda like he's trapped in a
giant foosball table, isn't it?

[GRUNTING]

-Gumby, no!

-Yeah.

Hah.

How about a martini
and Rossi on the rocks.

Yeah, I'm funny.

-(SINGING) Here we come,
walking down the street--

-Eww.

-Is that his butt?

-Hey, I'm thinking.

I'm actually thinking.

-Well.

[WHISTLING]

-Hey, she's lying
in Gains-Burger.

-Stop him.

Kill him.

-In that order?

-You guys are rock stupid.

I slay me.

-Whatever you do, don't let
him pick you up over his head.

-It all looks so good.

I don't know where to start.

-Gymkata!

-Don't make me
laugh, Woodsy Owl.

Get outta here.

-My name is Hercules
and I'm a rock-a-holic.

-Hi, Herc.

-Crunchy.

-There we go.

-Help me great rootbear.

-It's like they're being
attacked by Mount St. Michel.

-Could you hold
up a minute, guys?

I'll be with you in a second.

-I'm still awake.

-Yeah, I am too.

Whatcha thinking about?

-Hey, that's obscene.

-Oh, why?

Mm.

-Ladies and
gentlemen, Stonehenge.

-This film has aged me.

-I know she feels,

-Billis!

-It sure isn't you.

-Backdraft.

-Epilogue.

-Hm.

[CHIRPING]

-Springtime In Washington
DC means cherry blossoms.

[SIGH]

-Glad that's over.

-Do you really have
to leave us, Hercules?

-Mhm.

-Yes, Prince.

I may be needed in some
other part of the world.

-You know how it is
being the Herc and all.

-Billis and I hope that Agar
can persuade you to stay.

-Can I persuade Agar
to share the risks

I will surely encounter.

-Touche.

-Oh, yes.

For the rest of my life.

-But they're not married-- Oh.

-Gee, her dress is filthy.

-Yeah.

It's gonna get
uncomfortable up there.

-Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

-Hercules be back in
Herc goes bananas.

-Oh, I hope not.

-Hm.

Hm.

Nice.

-You know, Joel, it bothers me
when they switch actors on us.

Hercules Unchained
had Steve Reeves

and now Hercules Against
The Moon Men has Alan Steel.

What happened?

-I know.

You kind of have to squint
and tilt your head a little

to make Alan Steel
look like Steve Reeves.

-Steve's more shiny.

-Right.

That's exactly right.

-Well, actually it
happens quite often.

You know, the movie industry
is so bloated and sluggish,

it takes years for a sequel
to even a popular movie

to get made.

-Ouch.

-Yeah and what happened
was Steve Reeves did

so well in Hercules
Unchained, he probably

came back to the studio
asking for a lot more money.

They couldn't meet his
price-- enter Alan Steel.

-Yeah, we call that the
Wayne Rogers Syndrome.

-The Wayne Rogers huh?

-Yeah, exactly.

It's an old adage in Hollywood.

When you're doing a remake
of a movie for television

and you can't get the film actor
to do it you call Wayne Rogers.

-Oh.

You mean like when
he replaced Elliot

Gould for the TV
version of MASH.

-Exactly.

-Right.

Or when he replaced Donna
Reed in the TV version of It's

a Wonderful Life.

-Oh, yes.

Of-- Huh?

-Uh-- It's complicated.

When you're older.

-Don't forget him
trying to erase

the memory of Walter Matthau in
the TV remake of House Calls.

-Oh yeah.

-And then he grew up and
became Purnell Roberts.

[SNORTING]

-Ok.

That's it.

Gypsy, did you realize
that Walter Pigeon

was the original Admiral Nelson
in the film version of Voyage

to the Bottom of the Sea--
not Richard Basehart?

-No!

No!

-Crow, you are so cruel.

-So, letters?

-Terrible, huh?

-All right, all right.

Listen, this one is from Leslie.

And it doesn't really
have a return address

but it's a really
nice picture of Uh--

me and Crow and Tom Servo.

-Not really very good.

-Doh.
-That's it.

Come on.

You're coming with me.

Come-- ah!

-Ooh.

So, I'll just read this
other letter here, OK.

Hi, Cambot, put that up
on still store would ya?

Yeah, well, sorry about this.

Didja know I can't
hold up the picture.

Can't really hold up anything.

Hah.

Arms don't work, you see.

They just kind of hang there.

Hah.

Sad really.

So, this is from Mike
Liggett of Beaverton, Oregon

and it says-- I have reason
to believe that you are not

really in space broadcasting,
but really broadcasting

from Minnesota or
somewhere in the US.

Hm.

And your robots are
nothing but puppets.

Huh.

Real nice.

Takes all kinds to
make a world, huh?

I'm Tom Servo reporting.

-Mommy Ow!

-Ooh.

I didn't know he
could bend that far.

What do you think, sirs?

-I don't understand it, Frank.

This movie should have
broken their will.

It should have reduced
Joel's braincase to a peapod.

Encouraged the bots to
rip their own heads off

and yet they thrive on it.

They're growing
larger-- more confident.

-You know, sometimes I wish I
was one of those little guys

up there.

Quipping away,
gadding about-- hm.

I wonder how you go to
the bathroom up in space.

-Frank, hand me my microphone.

Deep Hurting.

-Poopy.

-Deep Hurting.

-(SCREAMING) No.

[THEME MUSIC]

-Ah.