Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Magic Sword - full transcript

♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ next Sunday, a.D.

♪ There was a guy named Joel

♪ not too different
from you or me ♪

♪ he worked
at gizmonic institute ♪

♪ just another face
in a red jumpsuit ♪

♪ he did a good job
cleaning up the place ♪

♪ but his bosses
didn't like him
so they shot him into space ♪

♪ we'll send him
cheesy movies ♪

- ♪ the worst we can find
- ♪ la la la

♪ he'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

- ♪ and we'll monitor his mind
- ♪ la la la

♪ now keep in mind
Joel can't control ♪

- ♪ where the movies
begin or end ♪
- ♪ la la la

♪ because he used
those special parts ♪

♪ to make his robot friends

let's go.

- Cambot.
- Pan left.

Hi, girl.

What a cool guy.

A wisecracker.

♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪

- ♪ and other science facts
- ♪ la la la

♪ then repeat to yourself
"it's just a show ♪

♪ "I should really
just relax ♪

♪ for mystery
science theater 3000" ♪

Okay. Gypsy, is it?
Okay.

- Yeah.
- Where are you from?

- Uh, right here
at the satellite--
- mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

And what do you do
for a living?

- Well, you programmed me
to do some of...
- Uh-huh.

- ...the higher functions
on the ship.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And who does your hair, gypsy?
I think that's great.

- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- Bite me.

[Chuckles]
You live around here much?

I'm kidding.
Of course I'll get back to this.

[Quietly]
Hi, everybody. Welcome to
the satellite of love.

A lot of you are probably
asking yourselves right now,

"what kind of a weird
tripped-out scene
is Joel into this week?"

Well, it's--
ow, ow, ow.

Sorry. Get this.

This week Joel fancies himself
a caricaturist.

Right now he's doing gypsy.

For those of you who don't know,
a caricaturist is an artist

who makes anyone he draws
look like Jack soo.

[Both groan]

- Geez. Ow.
- The only problem
is gypsy's nude.

Hey, you guys are nude,
too, you know.

- What?
- Hey, he's right.

Oh, my god!

Whoa!

What do you think?

Well... ohhh!

[Crash]

Well, at least
I can draw you, cambot,

in the way
I've always wanted to--

without a stitch on.

Well, what do you think?

It's really
not that good.

I look like Derek utley
with a cream pitcher

wedged in his skull.

Well, yours is pretty good,
isn't it, Tom?

[Scoffs]
Yeah, right.

Wouldn't pick up
my worst enemy's dog droppings

with this piece of crap.

- [Snickers]
- Oh, but I'm sure
you'll get better.

Dah-- dah--
dum-dum and stinky pants
are calling there.

[Chuckles]
"Dum-dum" and "stinky pants"?

Where do they come up
with this stuff?
[Chuckles]

Oh, I love
that little red guy.

"Oh, look at me.
I'm a little red robot,

and I can't move my arms."
[Chuckles]

- Frank?
- Huh?

Why don't you ask them to do
their invention exchange, okay?

Look, I love to laugh,
and we're having fun,

but, please, can we get
to the invention exchange?

[Chuckling]
"Stinky pants."

Well, sirs,
our invention exchange this week

is based on
those beer can caddy hats

that shirtless obnoxious guys
wear at baseball games.

Yeah. Only ours
our built for whisper-thin

musky bohemian types.

Yeah. They're called
big-gulp berets.

Uh, as you can see,
they've got caddies on the side

to hold your favorite ice-cold
evian or volvic

or any other criminally priced
spring water.

Now when you go see
the bloody unicorn

puppet theater's production
of marat/sade,

you can still have
your hands free

to scribble poetry
or dab on patchouli oil.

And at the dank uptown
cast party afterwards,

when the check comes,
it frees up your hands
to discover...

Uh...
[Chuckles]

I must've left my money
in my other pants.

Could you spot me tonight?
What do you think, sirs?

Very amusing, Joel.

But I don't cotton
to those long-haired
artsy types.

Now, uh, you little scamps,

beg me to do
the invention exchange, hmm?

[Chuckles]
Okay, sirs.

Please do
the invention exchange.

No.

Well, okay.

As a scientist,

I'm constantly working
with materials

that threaten life
on a global scale,

and sometimes they spill.
[Chuckles]

Enter these poly-sorbent
biohazard cleanup pillows.

Once used only for industry,

well, we've brought them
into the home

with our new designer

biohazard throw pillows.

Now, frank has prepared
a little one-act play

to explain their efficacy.

[Flat affect]
Well, enough Charles in charge.

I'd better get to work
on that hearty new strain

of dysentery
I've been mutating.

Oh, no! Not again!

Well, Dr. Forrester's

decorator biohazard
cleanup pillows.

I'm saved.

Dr. Clayton forrester,
I love you.

[Clapping]

Well, Jimmy smits,
your movie today

is roasted fresh
from the kitchens
of Bert I. Gordon.

It's a fetid
little piece of tripe

featuring sword and sorcery

and Gary lockwood

and an embarrassed
basil rathbone.

It's called the magic sword.

Doctor...

I think I sucked up
some of that...

Hazardous... stuff.

Oh, don't be a baby.
I've taken gallons
of that stuff,

and it's only made me
stronger and taller.

But I don't feel good.

Oh, what are you
gonna do now, cry, huh?

- [Crying]
- You gonna cry, baby, huh?

Gonna cry?
One, two, three, cry.

- [Alarm blaring]
- Oh, we got movies!

[All yell]

♪♪ [Orchestra]

[Slurping]

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

[Tom] Say, Bert I. Gordon's
gone color.

[Crow]
Ooh.

Can slice a tomato so thin
you can see through it.

We better take these off.

[Tom]
Hey!

I'll have basil rathbone
with Pesto, please.

- [Laughter]
- It's, uh...

- [Clears throat]
- [Joel] Give her a higher love.

Even then
she was really old.

[Joel]
Mm-hmm.

[Tom] Oh, I love Dean Martin
and those old Anne helm movies.

- Levon helm.
- Oh, le--

[Joel]
Oh, it's Matt. Matt helm.

- ♪♪ [Tom humming along
to orchestra tune]
- Oh, merritt stone.

- That's my birthstone.
- Oh.

[Tom, altered voice]
Callahan.

It was Callahan. Callahan.

Yes, she was the one.
[Chuckles]

Nick, Paul
and John bon tempi!

Is a woman who hangs out
with hags a hag hag?

[Joel]
No.

[Tom]
Makes you think, doesn't it?

Uh-oh. We're in
big trouble, guys.

[Joel]
Mm-hmm.

[Tom]
Story by...

We are in
really big trouble.

- Yep, yep, yep.
- Yep.

♪♪ [Tom humming along
with orchestra tune]

Music made under strict
rabbinical supervision.

[Tom] "Dragon trainer"?
They're kidding US, right?

[Chuckles]

This isn't the movie.
It's an employment program.

[Tom] Isn't that what
they call you, girl?

What do they call you there
up in wardrobe?

[Joel]
They call me Esther krebs.

Oh, we are in deep,
deep trouble, guys.

[Joel]
Mm-hmm.

[Tom]
And, yes, you can be too thin.
[Chuckling]

[Joel]
Say!

- [Exclaiming]
- He's gone again.

[Tom]
Well...

He left home hours ago.

[Joel] Oh, that's so creative.
She has a little
café down there.

What good is my sorcery
if I can't help my own boy?

- Answer me, someone.
- Roddy mcdowall! No!

He's not fooling me.

I know where he is.

He's at the magic pool again.

[All]
♪ a double pleasure
is waiting for you.

- [Together] He is in love.
- You think I don't know it?

I've tried to cure him of it.

Am I losing my skill
as a sorceress?

- [Tom] Among other things.
- [Joel] Ooh.

[Tom]
Sorry.

No. No, Sybil.

That's calling
the kettle black.

That was my witchcraft
cured snake bites,

chilblains, carbuncles,
pinkeye,

- ...hangnail
and unhappy memories.
- Hello, "muddah."

Yes. Yes, Sybil.

Then why can't I rid the boy
of this-- this fever?

George is a man...

- She hired two brown-noses
to hang around.
- ...And human.

Human, yes,
but hardly a man.

He's a mere boy of 20.

In love.

You guys really bug me.

George... already a man...

In love.

He ought to be at home
learning a good trade.

- [Joel] Like computer science,
refrigeration, gun repair.
- Like mine.

[Tom]
Wah-wah-wah.

Now, is that b.J. Or the bear?

[Joel]
I don't know.

[Retches]

- Pool of magic...
- What?

...obey my wish.

Bring her vision into my sight.

That's right.
That's right.

[Joel, slowly]
Answer unclear. Ask again later.

[George]
She's at the palace.

♪♪ [Tom humming]

[All]
♪ it's the undersea kingdom
for you and for me ♪

- Perhaps the throne room.
- [Tom] Yeah, maybe.

[Joel]
Calgon, take me away.

[Imitating bubbles bubbling]

[Raspy voice]
It's king Grady!

- ♪♪
- [Joel] Oh, not another
Jane Fonda video.

Imogene Coca, no!

[Tom]
Imogene Coca, yes!

Talk about your show
of shows. Whoo!

[Raspy voice]
I hate it when they hire these
strip-o-grams for my birthday.

[George]
No. No, try the--

try the sunken garden.

In the palace,
by the oriental pool.

[Joel]
Have breakfast with me...
[Imitating bubbles bubbling]

[Tom]
Oops. Somebody flushed.

[George] That's right.
There she is.

Oh, yeah.

[Tom]
Oh, I get it. He's got cable.

There she is.

It's fanne fox.

[Tom] No, it's
a maxfield Parrish painting.

[Joel]
You're both right.
It's fanne fox

in a maxfield Parrish painting.

Both jokes can work together.
Let's watch on.

[Tom]
Okay.

Hey, mom! Hey, mom, watch me!
Watch this!

[Imitating bubbles bubbling]

Gidget goes
to the renaissance festival.

- I hope the cold water has
soothed your temper, my lady.
- That's precise editing, huh?

- No, I'm just as furious
as ever.
- I am furious yellow.

Oh, it's easy enough
for you to talk.

You can do
whatever you please.

Fall in love,
fall out of it again.

A squire one day,
a stable boy the next.

I get the point.
All right. Geez.

I might as well be
a prisoner in a tower.

I can't even speak to a man
let alone have him look at me.

It's the penalty
of being a Princess.

But even a Princess
should be allowed romance.

[Tom]
Even cowgirls get the blues.

- How will I ever meet him?
- [Woman] Who, my lady?

- The one I could love.
- Think that's
her natural color?

You'll have
your chance someday.

- She has been hitting
the dye pods.
- You run along.

- But your gown.
- I'll dress myself.

Well, then, what will you do?

Oh, what I always do--
sit here and dream.

[Joel]
"Sit there and drink"?

- [Tom] No. "Dream."
- Oh.

[Sybil]
Princess helene.

[Tom]
Your lights are on.

Who are you?

[Joel] Just came
to freak you out, baby.

What do you want?

[Joel]
This doesn't do anything
for you?

- Come on. I'm a ghost.
- Stay away.

- Marcia Wallace?
- Oh!

Don't you come any closer.

No, Princess.
I'm going to take care of you.

She's stuck.
Bang her on the side
of the head there.

2,000 flushes.

- Helene. Helene!
- [Tom] "Fillet"?

- [Joel] Gary lockwood.
- It is.

[Joel] Check this out.
"Open the pod bay doors, hal."

- [Tom] Good one.
- [Laughs] 'Cause it's... yeah.

[Tom] Mommy, mommy, mommy,
there's a scary
flushing thing, and it...

- Sybil, where are you?
- You needn't shout, George.

- [Joel] Endora!
- I can hear you.

I must leave here.
She's in danger.

Who in the netherworld
are you talking about?

Princess helene.
I loved her from
the first moment I saw her.

[Laughs]
A reflection in the water,
and you fall in love.

- You silly child.
- Last week,
it was a deck of cards.

Something terrible
has happened to her.

Let me see what
you're talking about.

Magic mirror,
show me what has upset my boy.

Adolescence, puberty,
raging hormones.

The Princess is gone,
your majesty.

She's not in her quarters,
not in the garden,
not by the pool.

Yet no one saw her
leave the palace.

[Tom] Well, she works late
on Tuesdays, you know.

Then turn out the guards,
sir branton.

We have done that.
Until she is found,

no one will be permitted
in or out of the palace.

- Well, he's wearing fighting...
- ♪♪ [trumpet fanfare]

Can't you just walk into
the room without a big to-do?

[Tom]
♪ to-do

[whispering]
He played Sherlock Holmes,
that one.

Who is this?

We found him skulking
within the eastern postern.

- I wasn't skulking.
I was hanging around.
- He won't speak.

There are means
to make him speak.

[Thunderclap]

Oh, no. Not a solo.

- Sir branton.
- [Tom] Neat.

Your most serene majesty,

you can call off the search.

The Princess, your daughter,
is in my castle,

under lock and key.

- Well, as long as
she's sa-- hey!
- Who are you?

- Lodac.
- The sorcerer?

- [Joel] No!
Of course it's the sorcerer!
- [Lodac, indistinct]

Lodac, you say my daughter
is at your castle?

- [Tom] Mm-hmm.
- But why?

How have I hurt you?
Why have you done this thing?

The answer is very simple.

Your father executed my sister
for witchcraft

when she was only
18 years old.

- [Joel] Painful.
- [Lodac] I have waited

until your daughter
reached that age

so that my dragon

could relish the flesh
of the Princess.

- [Joel] Oh, wow.
- I beseech you--

- beseech nothing.
- [Tom] Yeah, beseech this.

[Branton]
You have this worm-eaten
sorcerer frighten US?

- [King] Be careful, branton.
- [Branton] Not I.

- Lodac...
- [Joel] You're a jerk.

I shall find your castle,

free the Princess
and see you destroyed.

All while balancing
an egg on a spoon.

Finding my castle
is no great task.

- [Tom] Hey, mc lyte
wants her necklace back.
- It's a short journey.

You simply follow
the yellow star of north.

The trick is...

How to get there... alive.

- I shall.
- I'm afraid not.

[Thunderclap]

[Tom, as if over radio]
Uh, Houston, we have liftoff.
Over.

[Echoing]
...That lies between
this castle and mine.

[Thunderclap]

- He's got a reverb pedal.
- [Joel] Mm-hmm.

- Let no man live
who dares the dark journey.
- [Thunderclap]

Let no man face
my seven curses
and reach the dragon's lair.

[Joel]
You ain't woman enough
to take my man.

- Your curses won't stop me
from reaching your castle.
- Fem for all seasons here.

The Princess helene
will make a delicate dish
for my dragon--

I'm serving her over rice
with fava beans.

- [Slurping]
- ...In exactly
seven days' time.

And now,
if you'll excuse me.

- Uh, wait. Was that
seven days starting now?
- [Thunderclap]

- Or is it seven days st--
- [Joel] Take me. I'm yours.

- [Caws]
- Ooh.

[Screechy voice]
Nevermore! Nevermore!

[Tom] Oh, suppose that
could've gone better.

Sir branton,
my daughter will die.

No, sire,
for I will rescue her.

You'll risk the seven curses?

- [Laughs]
I love that carlin bit.
- For helene, I'd risk 70.

The man who saves helene

will have her hand in marriage
and half my kingdom.

- Check it out.
She looks like Ronald McDonald.
- Trust me, sire.

[Whispers]
No one's supposed to know.

Oh, no! It is I
who must save the Princess,
not sir branton!

- [Mocking gibberish]
- I love her.

Do you think I'd let you
face lodac's sorcery?

- [Joel] You don't have
your lerner's permit.
- I'm not afraid.

300 years ago,
my father and brother

were devoured
by lodac's dragon.

- Oh, not this story again.
- And my family were great
sorcerers in their own right.

- I remember it like
it was 200 years ago.
- They were no match for lodac.

I am no match for lodac.
I confess it.

- Okay, okay!
- I fear him almost as much
as I hate him.

- But, Sybil, i--
- please, I gesticulate you!

[Sybil] You will stay
right here at home
where you are safe.

- [Joel] You're grounded.
- You can have
anything you want,

but you're staying here.

All I want is my freedom
so I can save the girl I love!

[Tom] All I want
is what's coming to me!

But you wouldn't
understand that,
not being mortal!

Oh, that hurt.

I tried to do my best.

Oh, I know you have, Sybil.

[Sybil]
Can't you call me mother?

[Joel]
Oh, is it "mother" today?

I'm sorry, mother.

You were only a week old

when your royal parents
died from the plague.

- Those were happier times.
- I found you,

reared you as my own son.

Must have the answers
written on his hand.

You've been kind and loving.

- I'd do anything for you.
- [Tom] Flaking.

But I can't stay here
with you anymore.

[Joel]
It's weird!

I'm not a child.
I'm 20, and I love helene.

Talk to me of love
when you're 420.

When you're human,
20 is old enough
to feel love and misery.

- Give me my freedom.
- [Joel] Okay,
but it's not wrapped.

I must say you're being
very difficult tonight.

- Oh, well. Boys will be boys.
- In the hood.

[Sybil]
We'll have to cheer you up.

Watch mother now.

[Imitates squelching sound]

[Joel] I'm gonna have
a big bowl of kwisp.

- [Tom] Mmm. Food.
- Get that lady
a saucer and milk.

- [Purrs]
- Not that trick again.

- [Tom] Again?
- [Laughing]

Does he have a cotton panel
in those briefs?

- George!
- [Tom] Don't ya know me?

I've never seen you
like this before.

Look, if you'll cheer up,

forget about
that girl and lodac,

I'll let you see
the presents

I've chosen for you
when you're 21.

- [Joel] A new codpiece?
- [Tom] Mm.

What sort of presents, mother?

Come along.

♪ To Alexander's ragtime band

I'll show you.

Packed with peanuts,
estelle really satisfies.

Oh, yes.

♪♪ [Humming]

♪♪ [Humming continues]

♪♪ [Whistling]

[Clears throat]

[Tom]
Hey.

[Joel] "Why do you seek
the living among the dead"?

Carol merrill,
what's behind that curtain?

- Like leno.
- [Tom] It's a new horse!

[Imitating audience cheering]

Do you like him?

[Joel] Geez, any kid would.
He's swell!

He's magnificent.

[Sybil]
He's yours when you're 21.

His name is beyhar.

He's no ordinary animal.

- He's your father.
- [Sybil] Possesses magic.

This is the fastest horse
in all the world.

- [Joel]
♪ I am Mr. Edgar winter
- no other steed can beat him.

[Tom] And it can all be yours
if the price is right.

- Take the door.
- No, go for the curtain!

- Take the curtain!
- Ohh!

[Chuckles]

- A candy striper's outfit?
Thanks, mom!
- Wow!

See this?

You'll wear it
when you ride the stallion.

Used to be your sister's.

Does this armor
possess magic too?

No weapon can Pierce it.

[Tom]
Except a butter knife.

And this is ascalon,

the blade.

None like it
since the world began.

- It defies all swords
in metal.
- [Joel] It's a ginsu 2000!

Black magic is overcome
by a touch of the blade.

So there.
All yours when you are 21.

- If the price is right.
- And I'll let you
go after lodac

for my revenge
as well as your own.

With the help of their magic,
I could save the Princess now.

No. You're not old enough.

You wouldn't know
how to use them.

- No, don't touch it.
Don't even look at it.
- Just let me hold it.

Just to get the feel of it.

Please? Just for awhile.

[Chuckles]
Very well.

[Tom]
Hmm.

It feels like a part
of my own body.

- So it's like your arm?
- I feel stronger.

- Of course.
- More confident, dry, secure.

Now come along.

It pleases me to show you
something else tonight.

[Joel]
Boss, it's a Hank Aaron model.

- Who are they?
- The village people.

[Sybil]
The six most Valiant knights
in the world.

[Joel] That's him, officer.
Third from the left.

[George]
It's real black magic, mother.

- [Sybil] I wish
I could take the credit.
- ♪ that old black magic

I've never been as good as that.
No, it was my brother.

- Do you like ascalon?
- Geez, mom, all this stuff
was in my room,

- ...and I never
noticed it before.
- It's just great.

- Now I can be the prep cook
I always wanted to be.
- [Clang]

[Rumbling]

- [Gasps]
- Ooh.

[Tom] Oh, now I've done it.
Sorry, mom.

- Did the sword do that?
- Sure did, Jethro.

One touch of the blade,
and it opens and shuts

floors, doors, walls
and portcullises.

- And it snaps caps off jugs,
bottles and jars.
- Shuts things, too, you say.

[Tom]
What the hell. Hmm.

- What's down there?
- [Tom] China.

I haven't been down there
in centuries.

Used to be my brother's
safe-deposit box

for spells, enchantments,

magic ritual and the like.

- Want to see?
- [Joel] Old magazines
and my high school yearbook.

Is there any other way out
if the crack were closed again?

- There's the kitchen door.
- Depends how hard
you work at it.

- A cousin of mine
took 80 years...
- Oh, boy.

...to whomp up a spell
that blew the roof off.

- But don't be afraid.
- She's got more stories about
her relatives than Gabe kaplan.

Oh, I'm not afraid.

Uh, you go first, mother.

[Sybil]
Hmm.

[Tom]
"Hmm."

Age before beauty, I guess.

- Hey.
- Whoa-ho!

- I didn't wanna see that.
- ♪ one singular sensation

- coming, dear?
- [George] Yes.

[Tom]
Hey...

- [Clang]
- [Joel] Psyche!

- [Sybil] George!
- [Tom] My toe!

[Sybil]
George, what have you done?
George, let me out!

Good-bye, mother.

[Sybil]
George, son,
let me out this instant!

You can't leave me here.
I told you about my cousin.

I'll come back and let you out
after I've rescued
the Princess helene.

- [Sybil shouting]
- [Tom] I'll go hungry by then.

With the magic armor,
magic sword,

- ...magic steed--
- and my refrigeration
certificate--

-...what can stop me now?
- ...From pine city vo-tech.

[Sybil]
You don't know, George!

George, let me out!

- [Tom mimicking sobs]
- [Joel scoffs]

- Taffeta!
- [Tom] Let's go.

[Joel] Hey. Basil rathbone--
that gives me an idea.

- Remember those doggie
costumes you had?
- Oh, yeah.

- [Barking]
- You know, you get outta
your dog what you put into it.

[Female voice]
Top trainer, Joel Robinson.

And I only put in the best--
basil rathbones.

Okay, crow. Okay.

- [Whining]
- Okay, boy, wait for it.
Wait for it.

Good!
[Laughs]

You know, a top-trained dog
like this one

is a lot like any of US people,
you know?

We all need affection,
occasional grooming,

and lots and lots of snacks.

And dogs just go nuts
for the rich taste
of basil rathbone.

One rathbone a day
will clean doggy's teeth
and freshen doggy breath.

- And they're packed with bits
of Nigel Bruce.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, these are too good
to be good for you.

- Okay, Tom servo, you sit.
- [Whining]

Sit. Oh, good doggy.

[Laughs]
Basil rathbones.

And Pesto-flavored
basil rathbones
for the pretentious dog.

Now in grass and stick flavor.

It's alimentary,
my dear Robinson,

to love basil rathbones!

Oh-ho-ho!
Have my doggies been good?

- [Growling]
- Oh, they are such
good doggies.

Do the doggies want to go out?

♪♪

- We bring you tennis balls,
your majesty.
- Woof.

Your majesty,
these knights and I

have come to serve you
in your hour of need.

- That's very kind.
- [Tom] But we're not hungry
right now.

I am sir George,

a knight by virtue
of 400 years of nobel lineage.

- And a degree from
cardinal strict college.
- [King, indistinct]

These are my comrades in arms.

- Sir Dennis of France.
- [Joel mutters]

[Speaks in French]

- He's gonna have
really bad hat hair.
- Oh, yeah.

[George]
Sir ulrich of Germany.

Meinkaiser, we come to serve.

- [Joel]
The voice of Paul frees!
- [George] Sir Anthony of Italy.

- [Tom] Yo, Tony!
- [Speaks in Italian]

- [Joel] Harry shearer!
- [George] Sir Pedro of Spain.

- He's got an observatory
on his head.
- [Speaks in Spanish]

[George]
Sir James of Scotland.

Our hearts grieve for you
and your sorrow, your majesty.

- [Tom] Hmm?
- [George] And last--

[Joel]
Terry, the sensitive knight.

[George]
...Sir Patrick of Ireland.

We pledge our lives
to your service

and to the Princess helene
until she's safe.

What, is he the knight
from the Bronx?

Gentlemen,
speaking for the king,
we are grateful for your offer.

I am sure that you can be
of immeasurable service
to his majesty while I'm away.

-We'll keep your resumés
on file.
-That's not what Patrick meant,

- ...sir branton.
- Oh, you know who I am.
Have we met?

- Oh, I've often seen you.
- That's an old line.

- In the field?
- Not in the field.

And they also know you wish
to marry the Princess helene.

Oh, quite true.
You're all welcome to stay
and dance at my wedding.

- Yeah, me and what army?
- Many thanks.

- [Tom] Oh.
- But I prefer to dance
at my own.

- We're getting into
a weird area here.
- [Indistinct]

Don't try to solve them
till we've rescued
the Princess helene.

"We"?
[Chuckles]

- [Joel] What do you mean "we,"
kemo sabe?
- I shall rescue helene.

Monsieur, try to understand.

We are all sworn to save
sir George's beautiful lady.

- Sir George's lady?
- [Tom] I think what our bright

young French friend
is trying to say is...

What does the frenchman mean?

Only that I love her,
and I intend to marry her.

- Oh, okay. What-- hey!
- You arrogant boy.

Do you know the perils
of the dark journey?

We do, sir branton.

If you don't share
our enthusiasm,

we shall be happy
to go on without you.

- [Joel laughs]
- Okay.

Oh!

Your majesty,
have I your permission

to give this stripling
a lesson in the use of arms?

- Permission to cut him
in half, sir.
- I shall not draw.

- [Tom] I shall paint.
- Except in behalf
of Princess helene.

A coward. Draw!

- [People gasping]
- [Joel] You jerk!
You broke my sword!

[Murmuring]

Enough. That's enough.

Sir branton,
I like these knights.

- Surely there's safety
in numbers.
- You violated ape law.

You and seven good swords.

Seven swords?

[Tom]
For seven brothers.

And seven curses.

[Tom]
For seven brothers.

When do we start, sir branton?

- Now.
- Mark, get set, go!

[Joel]
Haikeeba!

Aahhh.

[Tom]
And a double haikeeba.

[Mutters]

- ♪ Knights in white satin
- ♪♪ [Joel humming along]

♪ Never reaching the...

[Tom] Come on, you ragtag
bunch of misfits.

Whoo! I'm glad I don't
have to mow that lawn.

- [Joel] Mm-hmm.
- It's like a golf course.

Hmm?

[Joel]
Tonight on mime court...

Yeah, if you're really bad,
they throw you
in the imaginary box.

[Joel]
Petticoat dungeon.

I'm helene.

We know.

We heard you were brought in
this morning.

I'm Princess Laura,
and this is my sister grace.

This is our seventh day.

- Let's form a girl group.
- Seventh day?

Our last day, unless...

- [Tom] Aw.
- Surely you don't believe that
about the dragon.

There were others here
when we arrived,
but they're gone now.

Georgette, everybody.

Then your father will do
something to save you.

His army is probably
approaching the castle
this very minute.

- Do you really think so?
- Don't kid yourself, sister.

- We've been here
for seven years.
- Of course.

You'll be on your way home
by morning.

[Dragon growling]

Oh, that's my dad.

[Growling continues]

[Keys jingling]

[Footsteps]

Hmm?

The two sisters.

[Tom] ♪ there were never
such devoted sisters ♪

- Eraserhead.
- [Joel] Literally.

We're free to go home now?
Father arranged
for our release?

You're not going home.

- You're going to Disneyland.
- Surely you must have
spoken to him.

I've had three long,
dull sessions with him,

but nothing could persuade him
to give up what I asked for.

I don't believe you.
He'd pay you anything.

[Lodac]
Nothing.

Instead, he sent
an entire company

of his bravest knights
on the dark journey.

[Clicks tongue]

The poor lads never even
reached the third curse.

- Take them away.
- [Joel] They bore me.

No! No!

Can I take their
snoopy poster down now?

- [Princess] No! Help! No!
- You can't do this.

- [Princesses yelling]
- It just can't be happening.

There just couldn't be anybody
as cruel and evil as you.

- [Chuckling]
- No, I won't hear it.
There's a man in--

this isn't the first time
that a Princess has been
fed to a dragon.

And at least around here,
it happens only once a week.

Unless you get what you want.

What ransom
are you asking for me?

I'm sorry,
but you happen to be
a particular case.

I'm not asking any ransom
for you at all.

Then why did you
bring me here?

- My little pet will be hungry
again in six days' time.
- [Dragon roars]

- Uh, five days' time.
- Come and watch.

No. No, please, don't.
Please.

- [Princesses screaming]
- [Joel] Is she soup yet?

- Listen.
- Mm, mm, dud.

- The wind carries well.
- [Dragon growling]

Don't turn your head away.
You'll miss all the fun.

[Joel sniffs]
Ahh.

- See?
- Ah, he does light cues.

- It all happens very quickly.
- [Tom slurping, smacking lips]

- Now my little pet can sleep.
- [Belches]

- Oh, it's horrible!
- [Joel] Oh, bite me. It's fun.

But it won't happen to me.

Their father sent a company,
but mine will send an army.

- [Tom]
My Wesley will come for me.
- I hate to disillusion you.

Actually, for awhile,
your father seemed content

to let just one knight
undertake your rescue.

Oh, don't blame your father.

The knight talked him into it.

And who is this very brave man?

- I'm sure you know him.
- [Joel] Murray?

- Sir branton.
- [Joel] Sir frampton?

- Sir branton?
- [Tom] Oh, he's a freshman.

[Lodoc]
You don't like sir branton?
Oh, come now.

A damsel in distress
can't afford to pick and choose.

Anyway, don't worry.

Neither he nor his companions
will ever get here.

"Companions"? I thought you said
sir branton was alone.

He would've been,

but some, uh, foolhearted
young man named George

insisted on coming with him.

- George?
- [Lodac] Of course.
You don't know him.

[Joel] You don't know him.
He's new.

- Where is he?
- Would you care to see him?

- Feel him, touch him?
- See him?

- Oh.
- Certainly.

I'll show you the young fool.

Uh, it's pay-per-view.

We can only watch
for two minutes
before they charge.

Tell me,
which one is George?

The youngest.

He's in the lead,
riding with sir branton.

[Joel] Boy, that place
could use some yard work.

[Tom] Looks like
cypress gardens, Florida.

Those who are wise
will turn back now.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Bye. Thanks.
- Gone now.

- Gone.
- Uh...

They're riding carousel horses
like Mary poppins.

♪♪ [Tom humming]

- Oh, look, that guy hit a bug.
- Oh.

Ah, we're back.
Nothing there.

[Thud]

Huh? Hmm?

It's a k.O.A.

[Tom] You guys cower over here.
I'll look.

[Imitating mister ed]
Let me see this thing.

Hmm.

- [Growling]
- Huh?

Huh?

Teddy ruxpin, no!

[Tom]
No!

[Growling continues]

[Tom] Kind of looks
like gino vannelli.

[Tom imitates growling]

Ouch.

- [Groans]
- [Chuckles]

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

[Tom] Sanctuary much.
[Chuckles]

Think that hurts?
Look at his perm.

- [Joel] It's Ron perlman.
- Oh.

Aw, shoot. This is real fur.

You know how hard it is
to get blood out?

It's a salted nut log.

- Captain's log. [Chuckling]
- Ooh.

[Joel] That's his only move,
essentially.

- Yeah.
- Pretty much.

All right.
Anyone know what that is?

He's mine!

[Tom] He's yours? Then tell him
to stop throwing stuff at US.

[Joel] We talked about it,
and we'd really appreciate

if you'd stop throwing things!

[Tom] Yeah, it's over
by the 7-Eleven.

You take a left, okay?
By the freeway.

[Laughs]
It's a troll in the hay.

- Doh! [Laughs]
- [Laughs] It's a...

- Right. Oh.
- Literally.

[Tom] He looks like Barry gibb,
doesn't he?

Huh?

[Joel] Have some
pumpernickel bread
with me, friend. Here.

Stop! That's no way
to kill roaches.

[Tom] Now he's throwing
beefsteak rye.

Sure is hearty.

I gotta learn to lead
that little guy.
[Growls]

- ♪ Round, round, get around
- ♪ get around

- ♪ I get around, yeah
- ♪ yeah, yeah, whoo

- goofy, isn't it?
- That horse is swift.

- It's the pilot,
so it's an hour long.
- It could be, but--

- what?
- No, no, no, no.

Just a stupid thought
that crossed my mind.

- I thought maybe you and i--
oh, never mind.
- So the horse is swift.

- My ogre will kill them both.
- His odor?

Are you quite sure?

[Tom] Needs odor-eaters.
[Laughs]

- Ooh.
- Ah.

- Spicy.
- Aah.

[Joel]
I am not an animal.

- Look out! He's gonna wash!
- Aah!

- Kind of got Conway twitty
hair, doesn't he?
- Mm-hmm.

[Chuckles]
Watch this. Kind of pathetic.

Yeah.

- [Joel] Ganish!
- [Ogre groans]

"Ganish"?

You got me! Oh!

- [Tom] Chest hair club for men.
- [Knights cheering]

[Joel] Yeah! I'm gonna make him
into a fort!

[Robots cheering]

He won! He beat you
at your own game.

- So he did.
- [Tom] Now where's
my ten bucks?

He'll save me.
I know he will.

Not a chance.

No one has ever survived
the seven curses of lodac.

- That was only the first.
- [Joel] Now it's six curses.

Shut up, shut up!

- He may be evil,
but he should...
- [Joel mutters]

- Hmm?
- [Joel] They buried 'em?

And still not a sign
of our gallant commander,
sir branton.

[French accent]
You make me sick,
you stupid pig.

...not to pay respects
when poor ulrich and Pedro
are laid to rest?

But is the man a coward,

not to have lifted his sword
up against that monster?

Branton's no coward.
I'm sure of that.

They're praying
over the monster's butt.

[Knight]
Talk of the devil himself.

We missed you at the burial,
sir branton.

- [Joel] Don't say hi.
- My regrets, gentlemen,
are as deep as your own.

But since every minute counts,

I thought it wiser for me
to ride ahead and reconnoiter.

- [Clucking]
- What did you find?

- Mount your horses, gentlemen.
- We're not that lonely.

- Come see for yourselves.
- [Joel] Yeah,
let's get outta here.

- Mists of avalon.
- [Coughing]

♪ Avalon
ooh-hoo-hoo.

[Tom] This is a hair follicle
magnified over a million times.

[Joel] I was just thinking
this is really pretty good
for a Bert I.

[Robots]
What?

[Tom] Oh, yeah.
For Bert I. Gordon.

- Well...
- [Tom] ♪ I get misty

♪ smoke gets in your eyes

[chuckles]
♪ smoke on the wa--

- oh, for crying out loud!
- [Joel mutters]

[Tom]
♪ on top of old smoky

okay.

[Joel]
Hollywood hot tubs ii.

[Tom] Really makes you think,
don't it?

- [Joel] No.
- Hmm?

[Tom mutters]

I was trying to think
of something to say.

We're supposed to be on a quest.

We're supposed to be
best friends, and we
haven't even talked yet.

- [Joel] We've talked.
- No, I mean really talked.

All I know about you
is that you're French.

I mean, France
is a big country and all--

- [Joel] Not really.
- Well--

are we in the renaissance?

[Joel] No, no. We're in
the early middle ages.

- How do you know?
- Well, take the distinction

between the slave
and the free man.

- What about it?
- Well, it's weakening.

Oh.

[Tom] Even if we were
in the renaissance,

how would we know
we were in the renaissance?

- [Knight]
Will you look at that, George?
- Wow.

- It's a virtual bloodbath.
- [Joel] Literally.

Hoo!

[Tom] This may be a quest,
but it's also kind of fun,
isn't it?

Seems to be an unsavory region,
sir branton.

"So fair and foul
a day I have not seen."

Could you be sure now
that we have taken
the right road?

Or is it a road
we're on at all?

Fog's getting thicker.
Where's Dennis?

- [Joel] At Mr. Wilson's?
- Where's James and Anthony?

James!
[Shouts]

- [Tom] What?
- Anthony!

[Dennis shouts in French]

- [Tom] I say, it's a bit foggy!
- [Knight shouts]

Well, then, keep with US!
Keep close!

And keep reaching
for the stars.

- [Knight] Where's Anthony?
- [George] Anthony!

[Joel]
It's prince spaghetti day!

[George]
Anthony! Anthony!

[Tom] Nothing!
I'm just playing over here!

[Joel]
This is a hair follicle
after being blow-dried.

[Knight]
Anthony!

Look, Anthony's gone, okay?

[All imitating bird,
animal calls]

- [George] Anthony!
- [Joel] Zerbe!

[Anthony]
I'm over here!
Which way are you?

Here!

I'm over here
in the hydrangea bush!

[Tom shouts]

- [Joel] It's Dean Jones
in the love knight.
- [Horse whinnies]

[Laughs]

Aahh!

Hmm?

Find him!

Uh-oh.
[Imitates bubbling water]

Anthony, where are you?

Now I am over here drowning!

- Where are you?
- [Anthony] I'm here! Here!

- I need specifics! Exactly
what does "here" mean?
- Help me!

- [Imitating bubbling water]
- I'm being pulled under!

- Give me a hand!
- [Joel] Yay!

- Give me a hand.
- Okay!

You just ate!
Get outta there!
Quit clowning!

My beard's coming off.

How you two doing over here?
Everything okay?

Ah, carry on.

Hmm?

His torso's gone.

- He's been eaten by piranha!
- [Robots gasp]

[Tom laughs]
Have a nice trip.
See you next fall.

[Imitating mister ed]
I don't go
for that kind of stuff. Hey!

[Foreign accent]
Poor bastard
never knew what hit him.

Uh, huzzah, everybody.

I am noble and happy king Joel,

and we're about to present

our whimsical
and charming pageant

based on life
in the middle ages.

- Crow.
- That's "sir crow."

Right.
Uh, sir crow of robot.

Why, yes.
Sir crow of robot,

defender of the realm,
guardian of the flame,

purveyor of fine toiletries
to her majesty's courts
in 1753.

A noble, wandering,
virtuous knight, yep.

In days of old,
when knights were bold
and toilets needed--

- that's really good, crow.
- But I'm not finished.

- Oh, I think you are.
- And... oh.

Ah, but soft.

Behold the fair maiden.

Aye, but she's
a toothsome wench.

Speak, thee gypsy.

"What love could press thee
from mine side?"

B-- speak, fair gypsy.

"What love could press thee
from mine side?"

Uh-- oh.

"My only love
sprung from my," uh...

- "Only hate."
- "Only hate."

"Too early seen unknown

"and known too late.

"Prodigious birth of love"...

- "It is to me."
- "It is to me,

that I must love mine enemy."

Bummer. Well, the great thing
about gypsy's hat here

is this comes out,
and she can double
as a unicorn like that.

- It's kind of neat.
- Ooh! Oh!

Anyway, okay, places, everybody.
It's time for my big coronation.

Where's Tom?

Good, my lord.
At your feet, sire.

But, Tom, you'd better
get your costume on.

We're ready for
the big pageant.

Uh, this is my costume.

Oh, you have got
to be kidding me, servo.

No. Really. I'm a serf.

- A what?
- You know, an agrarian serf.

Indentured servant,
sort of a low-level prole.

- Oh, like a poor person?
- Well, you know, poverty

was a relative state
to me and my kind
in the middle ages, gypsy.

You see, having no chance
to acquire property except
through indentured servitude,

and due to the plague,
the overburdened farmland
of the German countryside,

before the habsburg,
and, uh...

- You know--
- hey, uh, listen, Tom,

you're taking this
way too seriously, okay?

- What?
- Listen, crow is just a knight,

gypsy is just a lady in waiting
who doubles as a unicorn,

and I am a noble,
good-hearted
and happy king, okay?

Sure, mad Ludwig.
I can count
the good-hearted kings

of even the high middle ages
on my inarticulate
little finger.

You know how many despotic,
trumped-up monarchs there were

born into madness
due to massive inbreeding

to the point that schizophrenia
was a sign of nobility?

- What about ladies in waiting?
- You're gonna have to wait
a long time, girl.

Courtly love was
a veritable spawning ground
for social diseases.

You're better off as a unicorn,
and they don't even exist!

Oh, is the great serfo
going to give US
a morality lesson?

- Yeah. Stick around,
sir cheddar clowns-a-lot.
- [Muttering]

You may learn something.
Besides, you know, most knights

were illiterate, belching,
maniacal, landed gentry

- [belches]
- ...Who vainly attempted
to assert their masculinity

by going on errant raids
of undefended villages

and by impaling each other
in brutal tournaments.

- You wanna kill him,
or should I?
- Ooh, tough. Ooh.

Give him the bare bodkin,
my buddy.

"Avaunt and quit my sight,"
dickweed!

Ohh!

Hey, king Joel, serf's up!

- Whoo!
- All right!

- [Alarm blaring]
- The movie's on!

- We got movies on! Let's go!
- [Exclaiming]

[Tom] I was just trying
to make a point.

You didn't have to impale me.

- Sorry.
- Oh, it's the rinse cycle.

Get to your sword,
or you'll die too!

- Alcala!
- [Tom mutters]

- [George shouting]
- Hey.

[Joel] They deep-fried
his sword.

- It's got a crispy coating.
- [Tom] Mmm.

- A crunchy, crispy coating.
- No!

[Tom]
Tender on the inside.

Down for the third time.

Oh, it really cleared up
his skin. Yeah.

[Tom] Hey, wanna listen
to some dead? [Laughs]

[Joel]
Deep... heating.

[Strained] Must get to crappy
special effect.

[Grunts]

[Joel] I'm tired
of the whole sordid affair.

- "Sordid"? [Chuckles]
- Yeah. Kind of a spin.

Going up, sir George?

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Have you seen mes amis?

- Where is Anthony?
- Where is George?

- [Tom] Where's Waldo?
- Where's papa?

They are lost for good.
Both of them.

[Knight]
Not both! Look!

[Joel]
I found a horse. Can I keep him?

Anthony has joined
Pedro and ulrich.

Forward, gentlemen.

Try to stay on the path.

♪♪ [Tom humming]

We are well into the third game
of the tournament.

Ah, I see snaggles the chimp
has opted for
the French defense.

And telly savalas
and telly savalas
are pandering their move.

Ah, the persian.
Of course.

[Rumbling]

[Thunderclap]

[Joel]
Mom's home!

[Tom]
Oh?

Tonight on
tales from Lucy's crypt...

Ahh, Ricky,
welcome to the crypt.

I've been lurking for you.

♪♪ [Tom humming]

[Joel groans]
What did I do last night?

Glad she's back.

Tonight on a very special
my weird body...

[Tom]
A Henry Moore sculpture.

[Sybil groaning]

[Joel] We'll be back
to my wacky witch...

- [Coughing]
- [Tom] Oh, dear.

- Oh.
- Ohh.

- [Groans]
- [Tom] Come bring mommy a beer.

- Come on.
- [Joel] Mommy needs
her medicine.

Ah, the strange loves
of Martha ivers.

- [Tom exclaims]
- [Joel chuckles]

[Tom] A delicious shake
for breakfast, another for lunch

and a strange elixir
for dinner.

- [Joel] Ah, dry ice
does it every time.
- [Coughing]

My, what a job
getting out of there.

What a drag it is getting old.

Wait till I get
my hands on him.

George?

[Sybil]
After all I've done
for that boy.

To trick me,
put me in his power!

Me, his own foster mother!

Dual overhead sinéad o'Connors.

Lodac!

[Tom]
Geez, I hired these guys?

His life is in danger.

- You're tired.
- [Joel] Jinx.

- Tired.
- Jinx.

- Rest. Rest.
- Jinx. J-Jinx.

I'll never rest again
until I know he's safe.

Oh, my boy,
what have you done?

Mirror of magic,
bring me a vision of my boy.

[Tom]
Everybody's got one of those.
I thought they were special.

Why must you insist
my companions turn back,
sir branton?

You and I have a good reason
to continue the dark journey.

Both of US in love
with the same girl
each of US hopes to rescue.

[Joel] Oh, curses!
A Bert I. Gordon film.

What reasons have the others
to face lodac's curses?

As your commander,
I honestly advise you

- ...to turn back now
while there is still time.
- [Blowing]

Uh, you're in the fire.
[Blows]

You hear that, George?
We should turn, heel,

and ride back to safety,
leaving you and sir branton.

[Tom]
Well said. Take a breath.

- That makes good sense.
- Are your wits addled?

Lodac's curses
have already claimed ulrich,
Pedro and Anthony.

As long as there's
one of US left alive,

there's hope that the Princess
can be saved.

You know, he almost got
that Irish accent.

- I couldn't blame you
for leaving.
- Between the curses of lodac

and branton's treachery,
you'll be needing US.

You Irish dog, what do you mean
by such insolence?

Dog, am I,
you two-faced hypocrite?

- Stop that!
- And the benches clear!

- I demand an explanation!
- And you shall have one.

- [Tom] You're out of order!
- My knights believe

you'd prefer to continue
the journey alone

so you can get rid of me.

What nonsense!

You can't deny
that from the first,
you refused our help?

- [Joel] You got me.
- Well, of course

I didn't want you
coming along.

After all, what man
wants to join forces
with his rival?

But once we had begun
the dark journey,

I accepted you completely.

- I love you unconditionally.
- I like and even admire you.

Yet you would have US
leave sir George.

- What suspicious minds.
- [Tom]
♪ we can't go on together

only because of
the dangers involved.

Lodac's curses
are killing US off
one by one, curse by curse.

Be that as it may,
I stay with George.

- [Joel] Bailey.
- We'd still be statues

staring at that blasted wall
if George hadn't turned US
into men again.

- [Tom] Darryl speaks up.
- And what good is it
being a man again

if you can't help win
the fair Colleen?

- [Tom] "Colleen"?
- Thank you, pat.

- But I'll take it from here.
- All of you.

There's your answer.

[Tom]
What was the question?

I have to admire your courage.

- [Joel] Though not your smock.
- Good night, gentlemen.

I gotta go left.

His tongue is like the honey
from a clover patch.

[Sir James of Scotland]
I do not believe a word
the man says.

[Tom mocking
poor Scottish accent]

If his game proves
to be treachery,

it will be sir branton
who does not return
from this journey.

This I swear.

[Joel]
The mighty birch,
king of all trees.

Ask for it by name.

Best not to do your treachery
at noon.

- [Joel] Mmm.
- [Tom] Huh.

[Yawning, smacks lips]

Oh, I dreamed I saw a buffalo.

[Crow]
Hmm?

[Imitating mister ed]
Wait. Where are you taking me?

I don't wanna go.
I object. Get off me.

[Joel groans]
Somebody opened
the garage door.

[Tom]
Aw, geez. What time is it?

I gotta go hit my shift
at the happy chef.

[Joel]
♪ at the copa, copaca--

oh, here it is.

[Tom imitating
horse sputtering]

Hey, it's Willa cather's
birthplace.

[Crow]
Hmm.

[Tom]
What do you know.

Where'd that door g--
oh, there it is.

Come out, come out,
wherever you are!

- [Lodoc] Hello, branton.
- Where are you?

- [Joel] Are you decent?
- Right here.

Well, I see
you're in a good mood.

- [Joel] Rowr!
- On the contrary.

- I'm in a savage mood.
- Rroowrr!

I can't stand incompetence.

- You were to come here alone
on this phony rescue.
- [Joel] Funky rescue!

- Instead, I must waste
my curses...
- ♪♪ [humming funk tune]

To destroy George
and his knights.

Talk about incompetence.

In three days,
you've only managed

to destroy three
of these interfering fools

with all your magic powers.

- [Tom] One a day.
- Not all my magic powers,
branton.

- [Joel] Uh, most of them.
- Give me my ring,

and I'll dispose of these men
in quick order.

Not till I get
my bicycle back.

What use is the ring to you?

No mortal can command its magic.

You'll get your ring back
when I get the Princess.
That was our bargain.

- Don't you trust me?
- [Joel mimicking]
"Don't you trust me?"

- Not an inch.
- You're insolent! What if I
cast a spell over you--

- no one in my organization
has ever talked to me that way.
- ...And turn you into a dog

or a rat or a cat
and take the ring?

- Go ahead.
- [Tom] Make me.

- Give me my ring, now.
- [Tom] No.

- Now!
- You gonna cry, crybaby?

- Cry! Who's gonna cry?
- You can't hurt me
while I wear your ring.

But once you have it back,
what's to save me
from your curses?

[Tom]
You're wonderful.

[Joel] Well, I've prepared
a small demonstration.

Why would I want to hurt you?

'Cause you're a jerk.

Why wouldn't you?

You're only helping me now
because you want

to get back this ring
which you so stupidly lost.

[Joel] Sounds like
a noöel coward play.

I'll keep my word.

I'll give it back
in five days' time,

when these curses are behind me
and I've claimed the Princess.

[Tom] But, please,
keep the smock as our gift.

- You're a tough trader,
branton.
- We both know what we want,

and we're both going to get it
so long as you dispose
of these knights.

Especially sir George.

[Joel]
You can negotiate anything,
by basil rathbone.

George. Yes.

Twice he's squirmed
out of your trap,
and he could do it again.

Oh, stop worrying, branton.
You're worse than an old woman.

- Yeah. He should know.
- If George and his knights

are not dead by week's end...

- They'll die long before that--
- hey, look. You can see
the string that works his mouth.

...and in circumstances
worse than anything
I've conjured up yet.

One of them's coming here now...

To his death.

Stop following me!

- Well.
- Hello. Hoorah.

A gallant frenchman.

[Joel] You don't see
many of those.

[Tom] ♪ alouette,
gentille alouette ♪

- ♪ alou--
- [branton mutters]

- He's on my horse.
- All right.

And he is a frenchman.

Don't lose your head.

Let him come in here.

We'll be ready for him.

So, why does the most evil man
in the world
live in a stuckey's?

[Joel] He likes
the pecan pralines?

- It's the broasted chicken.
- [Tom] Nut logs.

♪♪ [Woman singing in French]

♪♪ [Tom joins in]

♪♪ [Joel, crow join in]

[Dennis speaks in French]

[Responds in French]

[Dennis speaks in French]

Mignonette, monsieur.

[Tom]
What would you do, folks?

Mignonette.

[Joel groans]

Sleeping in armor
is hard on a body.

Hmm?

Aw, just let it ring.

[Tom grunts]

Huh. Armor with memory.

- Oh, yeah.
- [Joel]
You taste like Charles boyer.

So, is this French kissing?

- [Laughter]
- [Speaks in French]

- Well...
- Mignonette...
[Continues in French]

[Poor French accent]
Yes, and those Americans-- they
can't appreciate a good meal.

[Speaking in French]

[Joel]
Oh, tish, you spoke French!

- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
- [Tom] Come, come.

We've been dating
for almost two minutes.

He's pepé le pew.

- Rowr!
- [Joel] Cat people.

[Tom] Boy, he really had
the beer goggles on, didn't he?

- [Joel] Mm-hmm.
- Whoo!

Hey, all right, everybody!
Frenchy's getting some!

Whoo!

[Joel] Oh, man,
I know he's French, but her?

Spock!

[Whistles]

Ah, Barbra Streisand nails.

[Tom]
What is your secret, man?

- That was close.
- [Joel] Hey, come on.
She was just a rebound.

You saved my life, mon ami.

We frenchmen--
we have a weakness
for a pretty woman.

- Is that relevant?
- Lordac bewitched you?

Yes. I should have known
that such a pretty creature

would not be out
this early hour.

But I was robbed of all thought.

- Except one.
- [Crow exclaiming]

Lordac knows
how we parisians feel.

- Why did you come here?
- [Tom] Well, I am French,
you know.

Don't remember?

Wait.
[Speaks French]

- What is it?
- Branton!

- What about him?
- He's in that mill.

- I'm sure of it.
I saw his horse.
- [Tom exclaims in French]

- He's still there.
- Did I mention
that I am French?

[Joel]
Do we need a key?

- No, just walk right in.
- Hmm.

[Tom]
Hello. I am French.

Let's look at the menu
before we order.

Sir branton!

Señor branton!

- Oh.
- Well, good morning, gentlemen.

[Tom]
Two for smoking, then?

I'm French, you know.
Very French.

- Is it good?
- [Joel] Sure, but is it safe?

May we ask
what you're doing here?

Well, someone has to do
the thinking for you.

- What?
- As your commander,
I thought it wise

to spy out the countryside.

The upper floor of this mill
was the only vantage point.

The last time
you spied out land,
sir Anthony died.

- Can you tell it in French?
- You can always turn back,
sir Dennis.

You want to hear my answer
to that?

As you will.

Shall we wake the others
and ride on?

[Joel]
Can't argue with this guy.
He's real smart.

- Gentlemen.
- Ladies.

[Tom] Age before beauty,
pearls before swine.

I know.
Don't get me started.

- Okay, pan right. Pan right.
- Pan. Keep panning.

Pan, pan, pan.

- Pan pizza.
- Keep panning.

Personal pan.

- [Lodac shouts]
- [Joel, robots gasp]

I almost killed him.
I tried.

I couldn't kill them both.

- That shield. I couldn't...
- Ehh!

- You look like worf.
- Shield?

Yes. That shield.

- Mark shields, Brooke shields,
shields and yarnell.
- Magic.

- Of course the boy has magic.
- [Hag] Sir George?

How else could he have
escaped three curses?

- Magic.
- [Tom] Courage!

I didn't even see it.

That foster mother, Sybil,
is working against me.

Her magic is strong, lodac.
I know it.

How will you counter it?

- Won't you need your ring?
- Not for Sybil's magic.

- [Joel] I can't look at you.
- But once I get my ring--

- I can do most anything.
- ...That's the end...

And the Princess will be fed
to my dragon.

- All I have to do now
is to redouble my magic.
- No spring?

- Bobblehead.
- And all you had to do
was destroy that frenchman.

You were too slow.

- You need to be taught
a lesson.
- No. No!

- Crawl, hag! Crawl!
- No! No!

For five, six, ten hours!

- Crawl until I need you again!
- [Hag] Lodac!

- Ooh.
- [High-pitched voice]
Help me! Help me!

[Joel]
She's finally the size two
she always wanted to be.

[Tom]
I guess so.

- Greetings, Sybil.
- [Gasps]

Lodac.

- [Lodac] You're looking older.
- Thank you, Charley's aunt.

We haven't met in what,
uh, 100 years?

I don't want to talk to you.

- But I want to talk to you.
- [Tom] About amway.

You've caused me
quite a lot of trouble.

Lodac, if you touch a hair

of my boy's head,
I'll fight you.

- [Joel] Weird sexual tension.
- Not a chance.

You've never had any real talent
for witchcraft.

- You're a hack!
- You were always tenth-rate.

"Tenth-rate"?

You're quite helpless, Sybil.

In four days,
the Princess helene will be fed
to my dragon,

and your George will die
even sooner than that.

There's nothing you can do

except look in your
stupid mirror or magic pool.

And now I'll
take care of that.

[Static]

Lodac, come back!
Come back!

Oh, now she'll have
to hang around all day Tuesday
waiting for the cable guy.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mirror of magic,
bring me a vision of lodac.

No!

[Tom]
Hmm.

Well, um,

guess I'll just have to
read a good book then.

Let's see.
Jurassic park, the firm...

- [Joel] Red room, red room.
- [Tom laughs]

Tenth-rate, am I?

Helpless, am I?

[Tom] It's estelle winwood's
one-woman show.

- [Joel] Give 'em hell, estelle.
- [Tom laughs]

I'd go see that.

- [Coughing]
- No, I can't do anything
to help George.

[Joel]
I'm going to get loaded.

- Hey, knock it off.
- Oh, lodac, lodac.
You'll be sorry for this.

[Joel]
Oh, there's an early
krupps machine right there.

Dear me.

It's a long time
since I've tried this one.

- ♪ Been a long time
since I rock and rolled ♪
- [indistinct]... or two.

One I'm sure.
Where is the unicorn powder?

Ahhh!

[All mimicking]
Ahhhhh!

- She should not be left alone.
- [Joel] Mm-mm.

[Tom] The type who writes
to dear Abby, you know.

Hey, keep it down in there!
People work in the morning!

I wonder what Sybil's
cooking up.

[Joel]
A lot of trouble.
[Laughs]

- She done it again!
- [Laughter]

♪♪ [All humming, whistling]

[Tom] Lucy, have you
been scheming again?

What have you done, Sybil?

Ahhh!

I've finished poor George.
That's what I've done.

I've taken his magic
away from him completely.

Ooh.

George has no more magic.

[Tom]
Wah, wah, wah.

[Joel]
We'll be back
with two separate views

of love, American style.

[Chuckles]

[Mutters]

Butch and Sundance:
The really early years.

Dennis! James!

James! Dennis!

Where are ya now?

There are the tracks
of their horses.

- There are the tracks
of my tears.
- I can't believe

- ...they're ahead of US.
- I can't believe
it's not butter.

I can't take this heat.
It's getting hotter
by the moment.

Why don't you take off
six or seven layers?

There's no way to let them
go on without US.

What could I do?
They were up before daylight

and belligerent, at that.

Sir Dennis said
that he couldn't trust me
to spy out the land any longer.

- You could've wakened US.
- [Tom] "Woken."

They swore they'd be back
before daylight.

- Dennis!
- James!

- Stella!
- By the looks up ahead,

they'll be burnt to a crisp
by this time.

By this time,
my lungs were burnt to a crisp.

Drizzil, drazzil,
drozzil, drone,

time for these two
to come home.

[Tom] Help, Mr. Willard!
Help!

[Joel] Hey, it's Peter Garrett
from midnight oil

and his double.

- Don't come! Go back!
- Ohh!

- Looks like their
jelly donuts blew up.
- Yeah.

- Go back! It's death up here!
- Ehh.

Go back!

[Tom]
To the five and dime,
Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean!

- [Joel] The hills have eyes.
- [Knights shouting]

[Joel]
Kind of.

[Knight]
Stay back!

- Huh.
- Uh--

huh?

- Dennis!
- James!

- [Tom] Elaine!
- [Shouting]

George, will you be looking
at that, man?

- I'm Irish, you know.
- It's not even hot,
and we're burning. Why?

- Aye, I'm Irish.
- Yes. Why, branton?

That, gentlemen,
is my secret.

Strong enough for a man
but made for a woman.

Huh?

[Clicks tongue]

- [Tom]
Wait! What's your secret?
- [Joel] Hey.

[Tom]
Come on! Tell me! Wait!

I can't hear you!
I'm not listening!

- Come on! You gotta tell US!
- Hey.

What's your secret?
Come on! Hey!

- I can't hear you!
[Gibberish]
- Hey!

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Imitating alarm ringing]

[Imitating train horn blaring]

[Imitating
train engine chugging]

[Horse whinnies]

[Imitating mister ed]
We're not going
in there, buddy.

[Whinnying]

The horses won't go
in the cave.

[Imitating mister ed]
Oh, I'm not going there.

It's not part
of the union contract.

[Sputters]

[Tom]
Park it here.

Lock it up.
There we go. Okay.

[All]
Surprise!

- ♪ Happy birthday to you
- branton!

Branton!

[Joel]
Echo.

- [Tom] Echo.
- [Joel] Guys, this isn't funny.

[Tom]
Funny, funny, funny.

- Where the "divil" is he?
- "Divil"?

- [Joel] He's Irish.
- Must be in here somewhere.

- [Lodoc]
You mean I was in here, George.
- Ooh.

- Branton.
- Huh?

I'm sorry
I have to leave you now.

A longstanding appointment
with the Princess helene

and also with my partner,
lodac.

- [Shouts]
- [Tom mutters]

Yes, his castle
is just over the hill.

Any, uh, last words
for either of them?

- [All] Help!
- You won't escape US, branton!

I already have escaped you,
George.

- [Explosion]
- [Joel] Ladies and gentlemen,
the magic of David Copperfield.

- Wow.
- [Tom] It's a brick.

[All]
♪ house

♪ ow ow

okay, where's Allen funt?

- [Joel] We thought
it would be funny.
- What do we do now?

We break out.
With ascalon's help.

- "Ascalon"?
- You ascalon. I'm bitter.

- My sword is magic.
- [Joel] ♪ ascalon

- ♪♪ [humming]
- It opens floors,
walls, gates, anything.

[Tom chuckles]

[Tom, indistinct]

- Lithium.
- It was magic.

Like your horse.

Perhaps lodac's magic
is a bit stronger.

[Joel]
Please wear safety goggles
if you're going to do that.

Aw, it's no use.
You'll only be dulling
the blade.

[Tom]
The movie's duller
than that blade.

Must be some other way
out, Patrick.

Well, I can only conclude
one thing:

- We're gonna die!
- [Tom, Joel exclaiming]

[Joel] You know,
I was just thinking.

A little wallpaper,
some carpeting--

this place could be fixed up
real nice.

Hmm.

[Tom]
I dub you sir moron.
Come on, dummy.

[Joel]
You know, how come all movies
end in a cave?

- To kill a mockingbirddidn't.
- Oh, you're right about that.

- At long last lovedidn't.
- Oh, that's two.

To have and have not,
Anna christie.

[Joel]
Three-- you're right.
Just about all of them.

None of them ended in a cave.

This place is filled
with bread sticks!

Mmm.

[Tom] Hey, are we in
someone's epiglottis?

Oh, just a cheap Bert I. Gordon
special effect.

[Tom]
Yep. Yep.

No, nothing happening
with the plot over here.

[Tom, Joel]
Mmm.

[Tom]
Nothing over here either.

All clear.

It's...

Hmm?

[Joel]
It's ho chi minh.

Patrick!

It's the new monkeys!

[Joel, robots,
in ghostly voices]
Guilty. Guilty.

Guilty. Guilty.

[Joel] You know what? I just
realized we're in the ghost
and Mr. Chicken!

[Tom]
Let's get outta here!

Run!

- [Ghostly voices screaming]
- Oh, they're not dead.

They're just
metaphysically challenged.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

♪♪ [Tom humming eerily]

The faces of those he's wronged
are floating up at him!

[Screaming continues]

[Tom]
Jimmy smits.

[Joel]
Halls vapor action! Yeah!

[Tom]
So?

I am the god of hellfire,

and I brim you!

Ah, he's battling
his own demons here.

[Joel]
Oh, boy. He's becoming
the green ghost game.

[Tom]
Neat.

There's something
you don't see every day.

- Pretty much.
Guy writhing in hell.
- Help me! Help me!

Soul torn out
from underneath him.

- [Patrick] Through the wall!
- [Tom] Ugh!

So, uh,
I'll just leave, then,

I guess.

Ah, great.
Now we're stuck in here.

[Tom]
That was an interesting scene,
but one question:

What the heck
just happened here?

[Joel]
Trippy.

[Strained]
I'll be here if you need me,
George.

[Tom]
He's dead, Jim.

[Joel]
See? You get to pick out
your own steak.

Watch this.
I'll have that one.

Huh. Neat stuff,
but is it art?

He's escaped again!

- Sir Patrick too?
- And Toto too.

No. Patrick is finished.

But sir George
is riding this way.

There was no way
out of that cave, lodac.

- Was it magic?
- [Tom] Or was it memorex?

- You decide.
- Not magic.

Then how did George escape?

- I think-- yes.
- [Crow sighs]

- Something stronger than magic.
- [Joel] Double secret magic.

A power of Patrick's faith.

Fellas, I've got
something to say, and there's
only one way to do it,

so give me center stage!

- Hey, be my guest.
It's all yours.
- Thank you.

- [Clears throat]
- ♪♪ [piano]

♪ As you guys
I'm sure remember ♪

♪ I think it was maybe
last December ♪

♪ I fell pell-mell

♪ for Kim cattrall

[scoffs]
Yeah, we remember.
Please don't remind US.

- Ooh!
- Ah.

♪ But now I'm over that

well, that's good.

♪ We had a little spat

[scoffs]
In your dreams, buddy.

♪ I'm older, wiser

♪ and I know
that my true love ♪

♪ is really named

♪ estelle

- [Tom] Winwood?
- [Crow] She's swell!

[Tom laughs]

♪ She's cute

♪ she's rooty-toot-toot

♪ I bet she smells
like juicy fruit ♪

- Ehh!
- ♪ she can really
play a witch ♪

- Ridiculous.
- ♪ she was even on bewitched ♪

♪ and I'm bewildered
and bothered ♪

Oh, but, crow,
hold on a second.
Hold on.

Thank you.
[Scoffs]

♪♪ [Piano]

♪ Crow, you are my buddy

♪ and maybe I'm a fuddy-duddy

♪ but step back, please

♪ and think about some stuff

like what?

♪ I'm sure that she seems nice

- oh, yes.
- ♪ but I bet

♪ she's more
than twice your age ♪

- Well...
- ♪ and with your love
it might not matter ♪

♪ but can she
control her bladder ♪

- Shut up! Shut up! Gee!
- [Laughing]

- Come on.
- Okay, okay.

But, Joel, there's a whole
other set of issues here.

If I may, crow,
as a friend,

as a trusted advisor?

- Well...
- Okay.

♪ Here's a quick list
of people ♪

♪ much better-looking
than estelle ♪

- You're so shallow.
- ♪ Fred biletnikoff,
Brandon tartikoff ♪

- ♪ sid and Marty krofft
- very funny.

♪ Fred gwynne and Anthony Quinn
and rin tin tin ♪

♪ and Pearl Bailey
and moms mabley
and mayor daley ♪

- ♪ and Hank and Phoebe snow
- I'm not listening.

♪ Ethel merman
and pee wee Herman
and strom thurmond ♪

♪ and Vince lombardi
and George and Jesus Jones ♪

I don't care!
I don't care!

♪ Edith head and mister ed

♪ and nostradamus
and Danny Thomas
and sherman hemsley ♪

- Joel, make him stop!
Come on!
- Hey, come on.

- [Crying]
- Tom, you're not helping
things at all.

Now, can you go and please
clip those coupons
like you promised?

- Yeah.
- Uh, okay.

♪ Oh, Willy deville
and Agnes de Mille
and Cruella de vil ♪

- ♪ and Roscoe Tanner and...
- [Groans]

Crow, listen.
Don't worry about it, friend.

Why don't you explain more
about how you're feeling?

- Thank you.
- ♪♪ [piano]

♪ She's a vision

♪ I got a new mission

♪ somehow I got to meet her

♪ so she's older

two, three, four.

♪ She's got a great motor

two, three.

♪ There's nothing
that can beat her ♪

- ♪ crow, you have my blessing
- ♪ cute,
she's rooty-toot-toot ♪

- ♪ and I feel like confessing
- ♪ I bet she smells
like juicy fruit ♪

- ♪ she can really
play a witch ♪
- ♪ you're my little pal

- ♪ go on and give it a try
- ♪ she was even
on bewitched ♪

- ♪ 'cause you're bewildered
- ♪ I'm bewildered

[together]
♪ and bothered

♪♪ [piano stops]

♪♪ [Piano resumes]

- Hey!
- Hey, everybody.

- ♪ She's rooty-toot-toot
- we'll be back with more stuff
here on mst3k.

- Mwah! Mwah!
- ♪ she can really
play a witch ♪

[Crow sighing]

[Joel]
Welcome to white castle.
Can I take your order?

Yeah, I'll have some
onion chips, some fr--

- hey!
- I'm just kidding.

- Move forward, friend.
- I love that.

He's coming.

Would you stop looking
into the fire,
for crying out loud?

[Lodac]
Nearer.

He's arriving
at the castle gate.

[Joel]
Hello!

We'll be open in a minute, sir.

[Tom]
Castle has an open air

which gently and sweetly
recommends itself

on the senses.

Aah. I can't believe
I paid eight bucks,

and they don't even
have a tour guide.

[Joel]
Oh, look.
He's a Swiss army soldier.

- Huh.
- He is.

[Tom]
So is that a toothpick I see?
Oh, never mind.

Knute rockne, all American.

[Joel]
Hooty-hoo, hooty-hoo, hooty-hoo!

The wizard's not in!

[Joel]
Trick-or-treat for unicef.

[Tom]
Uh, hi, Mrs. Jones.

I'm here to pick up
your daughter

and, uh, see if
I can take her to...

Hey.

- ♪ Walk right in
- ♪♪ [humming]

♪ Sit right down

♪ daddy, let your mind roll on

[Joel]
Mmm, uh,

one, two, duh,

three, uh, four, duh--

three, four, five, six.

- Uh...
- [Men laughing]

[Tom laughs]
And then Johnny said,
"if you move your cat, lady."

But, you know,
I kid all crows.
[Chuckling]

Hey, crows--
hey, brothers, come back.

Mimes.
I hate these guys.

[Joel]
Huzzah.

- Where's he going?
- Shh.

- [Joel] Scarborough fair.
- Helene.

- No, lodac. I won't allow that.
- Don't worry.

It'll all work out
most satisfactory, I promise.

He doesn't know the way
to her cell anyway.

He doesn't have to.
The spell of the sixth curse

is already leading him on.

[Tom]
Here. Pull my finger.

[Joel]
You know, I bet people
are always saying to that guy,

"watch your head,
watch your head."

[Laughter]

[Tom]
Poor guy.

Lawrence, would you put
that shield down, please?

[Tom, strained]
Oh, it's gotta have a bathroom
around here somewhere.

I really gotta go.

Wow! A virgin!

- [Joel] No, like a virgin.
- Helene!

Virgin 2.0.

- Helene!
- Hmm?

George!

- I've been waiting all my life
for a guy named George.
- Oh, I must be dreaming.

[Quivering breaths]

But you are George.

♪♪ [Hums]

Or is this more
of lodac's magic?

I'm as real as you are.

[Tom]
Unfortunately.

[Chuckles]

[Joel]
Well, you'll do.

How did you know me?

Oh, I think I would've
known you anywhere.

Lodac kept showing me
visions of you
just to torture me.

Coming nearer and nearer.

- Uh, dat girl pretty.
- He swore you would never live
to get in.

But I'm here,
and we'll leave together.

Oh, I'm too happy to even think.

[Tom]
No stretch for her.

Just let me hold you.

[Joel]
Hey, you guys just met.

We must go while we can.
What happened to sir branton?

Rather ask what will happen
when I get him
within my sword's length.

- Hey, that's dirty.
- He's somewhere here
in the castle.

Let him go.

What does anything matter
except US
and our freedom together?

[Joel]
You know, she's got a real
Barbara Eden quality.

[Tom]
Yeah.

I'll see if the way is clear.

Later. Later!
[Quivering breaths]

Oh, yeah.
[Chuckles]

[Joel]
You know, this is a lot
like Romeo and Juliet.

- Except not good.
- [Whispers]

[Joel]
Mm.

[Tom]
Pretty much.

Hmm.

Personally, I think it's, uh,
more like a ritz brothers movie.

- Yeah, except it's good.
- [Chuckles]

Okay. Act natural.
We're vacationers from Japan.

♪♪ [Humming]

[Joel]
Twelve angry mimes.

[Tom]
Huh?

It's the serendipity singers!

- Welcome, sir George.
- To the renaissance festival!

I was beginning to think
you'd never get here.

- Aye.
- Branton!

- Looking for this?
- [Tom] You just found it.

My lady, it's time
for US to leave.

- Hey.
- Helene, no!

- But I want to, George.
- [Joel] He's a senior.

Aren't you forgetting
something, branton?

- Oh. My purse.
- Oh, the ring.

[Tom]
Oh, yeah.

- Here you go.
With this ring I thee wed.
- Keep my word.

Can I go now?

All right. Take her.

- Here? In front of
the circus people?
- If you still want her.

Oh, I want her, all right,
and she wants me.

Always and forever.

- Uh-huh.
- Helene.

- What is this?
- [Joel] Chopped liver?

- Yes, exactly.
- Helen!

Did you really think
I'd keep my word

once I had the ring?

- But I don't understand!
Where is helene?
- Ew.

- Over here.
- She belongs to me.
We made a bargain.

I don't bargain with mortals.
I destroy them!

- Hey.
- Monster!

All right, branton.
It's time to take care of you.

[Tom]
Boom!

- Oh, he's been framed.
- Oh!

- Yeah.
- [Crow chuckling]

Prepare her for the dragon.

- [Grunting]
- No.

- Take sir George
to the dungeon.
- No.

- Helene! Helene!
- George!

[Tom]
Meanwhile, on the set
of golden girls...

Mustn't give up,
or it's the end of him,
the end of them both.

What will you do, Sybil?

I must think.

Think. Try to remember
the right recipe.

- [Crow imitating chittering]
- [Twins] You're gonna practice
magic, Sybil?

[Sybil]
Of course. I have to.

Where did I go wrong?

[Joel]
Well, dying your hair orange
was a start.

Witches of hecate
blacker than black,
demons of shame--

- [Tom]
I want my baby back.
- ...Flesh on the rack--

it's the next line.
That's the one I got wrong.

And it rhymes with "rack."

"Swack"? "Smack"? "Snack"?

No, no. None of those.

No. I'll go to lodac's castle.

That's what I'll do.
I'll give it some thought
on the way.

Save him, Sybil.

[Joel]
It's a living.

I'll try.

Well, here goes.

[Imitating Darrin Stephens]
Sam, are you conjuring again?

[Joel, German accent]
Come back, you dummkopf!

[Tom]
Wind geeks.

- !¡ay caramba!
- Mm.

Hmm.

[Joel]
Why, it's equipped with hot
and cold running Gary lockwood.

George, this is the real helene,
I swear it.

[Tom]
And I'm the real
inspector hound.

All right now.
Go ahead.

Show me how a pair
of young mortals in love

bid farewell before they die.

♪♪ [All humming in style
of 1970's porn music]

Oh, very tender.

But a little late,
wouldn't you say?

[Tom]
I'm gonna have to hose you two
off like a couple of dogs.

- Knock it off.
- Always remember that.

I love you, helene.

[Tom]
♪ I honestly love you

come, helene. Come!

- Come on.
- Yech! She rubbed
his bronzer off.

You have a good view
from the window, sir George.

[Joel]
Um, and call room service
if you need anything. Bye-bye.

A feast! A feast!
Lodac wants a feast!

- Hurry. You...
- She's doing stand-up.

You'll pick the wine.
The rest of you know
what you have to do.

- Aah!
- Can't get used to that.

- [Men shouting]
- [Tom] ♪ little dudes

♪ in a golden cage

[Joel]
I...

Um...

[Continues, indistinct]

Darby o'Gill
and the little people

- ...will be back after this.
- ♪♪ [orchestral]

♪♪ [Tom imitates music]

♪♪ [Joel imitates music]

[Tom]
I just realized

I'm Gary lockwood.

Helene!

Benjamin, I told you
not to go out with her.

[Joel]
Hey, your column's a lot more
ornate than mine.

I wonder if I get
a continental breakfast.

[Creaking]

[Imitating creaking sound]

[Whispering]
Hey. Hey, Mr. Lockwood.

- Down here.
- Mr. Lockwood.

We're here to help you.

[Joel whispering]
♪ let's go surfin' now,
everybody's learnin' how ♪

- ♪♪ [Tom hums along]
- ♪ come scissor surfin'
with me ♪

- I love those little guys.
- I thought they cut this scene.

- Like they can't find them.
- [Joel chuckles]

[Tom]
Oh, look. It's snap,
crackle, pop, Tony and...

[Joel]
Hi, Gary. We're part
of this complete breakfast.

- They must've gotten laid off
from keebler.
- Mm-hmm.

Hurry. Please.
Quick. Hurry!

[Tom]
Shave my armpits!

- [Joel]
Keep your shirt on, big guy.
- Hurry!

Nothing's good enough for you.

[Tom grunting]

Looks like a batmanscene,
doesn't it?

Quick, cut the ropes!
My wrists!

♪♪ [Whistling
"whistle while you work"]

- ♪♪ [Singing, gibberish]
- Quick.

[Tom whispering]
Don't whistle. It's too loud.

Come on. Knock off the elf crap
and let me loose!

- Oh! Oh, my hands!
- Ouch! You sting!

- Pain...
- Thank you.

My sword has lost its magic,
but it's still a sword.

[Tom]
Yeah, right. Whatever.

Hey, could you help US out?
We're a little short.

- ♪♪ [Dramatic]
- A little elf humor.

♪♪ [Tom hums along with music]

[High-pitched voice]
Hi. When does the show start?

[Joel imitating lodac]
You are the show.

Oh, neat.

[Dragon growling]

[Joel]
Is she doing her fay wray
or Jessica lange--

- [Tom] Take your pick.
- Yes.

[Growling continues]

Enter the dragon!

[Chuckles]

[Joel]
Go on. Let it out.

You're hurting inside,
aren't you?

We can talk about this.

- Please?
- [Whinnies]

Bad zippy! Down!

Zippy, no! Down!

[Tom]
Are we having fun yet? Oh!

- [Joel] Hey, self-serf.
- Ha!

- [Tom mock laughs]
- [Crow mutters]

Ooh.

[Dragon roaring]

[Tom]
Tonight's episode:

"A double murder
is waiting for you."

Spot, no.

- [Whinnies]
- Hmm.

Destroy him!
It is my will!

Will-schmill!
We got a job to do here.

[Whinnies]

I just had a little Italian.
I got heartburn.

I'm kidding, of course.
[Laughs]

[Joel]
The burning, the itching.

- Try cruex.
- Ooh.

[High-pitched voice]
Um, you won't like me.

I'm mock virgin.
I'm gamey, stringy and tough.

[Tom]
I don't care.

I didn't know estelle winwood
qualified as a superhero.

Oh, yeah.

[Tom]
These really are good seats,

but I don't usually like
the balcony.

Hey, let's do that thing
where you put the marshmallow
on your spear. It's fun.

[Tom, foreign accent]
Roast and tenderize them.
Down ya go.

[Coughs, clears throat]

- Ah! Don't do that.
- Sybil.

Come to see the end of George?

- The ring?
- Yes.

- The ring.
- [Tom] Oh, it's carnac and ed.

No sorcerer can cross me now.

Watch your boy die!

If only I could give him back
his magic.

Witches of hecate
blacker than black,
demons of shame--

- uh-- no, no. No.
- Flesh on the rack--
next line.

- Eenie meenie chili beanie--
- if only I could remember
the next line.

No. Hernie heinie--
no-- no-- damn!

[Joel] Lighten up.
They're just puppets.

Hey.

- [Joel] Sorry.
- Fire breathing's good, though.

This is better
than a tanning bed.

[Roaring]

- Oop.
- Ouch.

- [Screaming]
- Not very nice.

[Imitating mister ed]
Oh, George.

I gotta get going.
I'll see ya.

[Tom]
I'm okay! Ugh!

[Dragon growling]

- What a fool!
- Ouch.

He's even lost the power
to attack.

That's the verse.

Witches of hecate
blacker than black--

- [Joel] I want my baby back.
- ...Demons of shame,
flesh on the rack,

give to my boy
the power to attack!

[Shrill ringing]

[Tom] Uh, thanks, mom,
but I was already doing it.

- [Roars]
- Ooh.

- Daryl dragon.
- [Screeching]

Hey, you're gonna poke
an eye out with that thing!

[Tom] Sounds like Godzilla
all of a sudden.

No!

[Joel] Next week on
American gladiators...

[Screeching continues]

You know, if this were
a Japanese film,

the whole movie
would revolve around
this dragon here.

- Sure.
- No!

[Joel] The secret compartment
of the ring I fill

- ...with a proton
super-energy pill!
- My ring!

No. My ring now.

[Tom, raspy voice]
She's right. It's her ring now.
[Growls]

- [Low, guttural growling]
- [Mock snoring]

Oh, no. He snores.

[Tom]
Ooh.

I'm so sleepy
I can barely keep awake.

Clunk.

[Joel]
Oh, my braces. Owie.

Uh! He's roadkill now.

[Tom]
Yep.

Yeah.

Oh, the other head died too.
How about that?

[Joel] Looks like the George
monster's gonna score tonight,
that's for sure.

Yeah, it's a magic sword,
but it's also good
for simple jobs.

Mm-hmm.

They will still die!

[Tom] Well, eventually,
I suppose, but...

Here. Give me your gown.
I gotta wipe this blood up.

Now I curse you
with all the damnation of hell!

- [Joel] Oh, we're scared.
- Curse upon curse!

Mortal, you dare
to challenge me?

Six curses
could not destroy you.

But now you must face
the seventh--

- me, the invincible!
- [Thunderclap]

- [Tom] Figures.
- [Joel] Oh, go to bed, old man.

[Shouting, indistinct,
echoing]

All you vile creatures of hell,

listen to me!

I cast the seventh curse!

- [Tom] Uh-huh.
- Oh, big deal.
You got an echo box.

So you went to radio shack.
I'm quaking.

[Explosion]

[Joel]
♪ the year of the cat

- ♪♪ [Tom humming]
- ♪ in the morning
of a bogart movie ♪

- ♪ in the--
- aahhh!

- Aah!
- [Tom] Dino! No, boy!

[Imitating dino
from the flintstonesbarking]

Dino! No! Stop!

Oh, goodness, gracious,
I'm dead!

Oh-ho!

- ♪♪ [Fanfare]
- [Joel] Maynard Ferguson live

at the ashwaubenon high school
auditorium.

[Tom]
"Mawaige." "twue wove."

- Now I'll kiss you.
- [Tom] No, that's okay, dad.

Please.

[Joel]
In a private ceremony,
they were married by Grady

- ...from sanford and son.
- ♪♪ [trumpet fanfare]

Hey, everyone!
It's scooter and skunk
and chopper!

[Cheering, muttering]

[Tom] Can't we do anything
without your friends?

[All]
Haikeeba!

[Mock laugh]

Ah. I owe them money.

[Chuckles]

Oh, estelle!

[Tom] Hey, my own mom
just flipped me off.
How about that?

[Joel, raspy voice]
Grady, quit watching them
and get your butt over here!

♪♪ [All humming theme
from Grady]

- Uh, you know, Joel--
- yes, Tom?

I just gotta say
that Bert I. Gordon

did quite a pretty good job
on that film.

But one thing I'm confused about
is the whole concept
of the seven curses.

I didn't know
you could say curses on t.V.

Well, it's not
that kind of curse.

To give you an example,
it's more like the curse, uh,

for people when they performed
on Rick dees'
into the nightshow.

- It's that kind of a curse.
- Oh. Got it.

Uh, you know,
speaking of seven curses,

despite what George carlin says,

there are seven naughty words
you can't say on t.V.

Oh, sure. I know one.
Like "hinder."

- "Booger."
- "nimbus."

- "Poopie."
- uh, "dink."

- "Caca."
- "booby."

- Yeah.
- I think that's seven
right there--

wait a minute.
There's more than that.

There's "underpants,"
"ding-a-ling"--

- [gypsy, indistinct]
- "Stinky butt," "dickweed"--

- [gypsy, indistinct]
- Okay, okay, okay.
That's plenty.

- Okay. That's--
- Joel, how about, uh...

[Whispering]

Oh, I don't think
you should really--

- just thought I'd check.
- Yeah. Thanks for asking.

- Anyway, I think it's time
to do a letter.
- "Porpoise."

- This is from bill
and Toni laurenson.
- "Nimrod."

- Okay? And they said,
"eighteen months ago"--
- "big Wally."

Oh, let's put that up, cambot.

"Eighteen months ago,
we moved from Ohio,

"leaving our two children
in college there.

"Having conversations
with our daughter,

- sue, was never a problem."
- [Tom] "Pimento loaf"?

"She's always had
lots to talk about."

Isn't that like a teenage girl?

"Anyway, however,
our son, bill"--

bill has a problem.

- ♪♪ [Robots humming]
- "Bill is a sophomore
at Ohio state

and really never believed
that your letters were true."

I'm kidding, of course.
"And having conversations
with him

"that produced more than
one or two-word responses
proved more difficult.

"That has all changed
since we discovered mst3k

"on a cable channel
here in Virginia

"that is not available
in Columbus.

"Knowing his bizarre
sense of humor's
probably genetic in origin

"and knowing how addicted
he has become

- ..."to our mst3k
biweekly fixes,
- ♪♪ [humming continues]

"We began
taping your shows regularly
and sending them to bill.

"The amazing results
are long, detailed chats
about the latest tapes

"and comparing the parts
we found most hilarious.

"So kudos to guys and gypsy,

"for finding a way for parents
and kids to connect.

"When people ask US
how we manage to stay
in such close touch

"with bill and his generation
because they, too, wanna enjoy

"that kind of meaningful
relationship with their kids,

we simply tell them,
'keep circulating the tapes.'"

thanks.
What do you think, sirs?

Oh, is the great Joel Robinson

bridging
the generation gap again?

Ahh, push the button, frank.

Doctor, I don't feel too good.

I think that biohazard
whatever stuff

is having an affect on me.

Really?
[Nervous chuckle]
You look great.

- I do?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Let's, uh--
let's go get a pizza.

I'll, uh, bring
the mad scientist mobile around.

Oh, I don't think
I could hold a pizza down.

Ugh. Well, maybe
we'll get you some soup.

- Ughh!
- [Whispers] Help me.