Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 12 - Hercules and the Captive Women - full transcript

♫ In the not too distant future,

next Sunday AD,

there was a guy named Joel,

not too different from you or me.

He worked as his money Institute,

just another face in a red jump suit,

he did a good job cleaning up the place,

but his boss didn't like him,

so they shot him in to space.

We'll send him cheesy movies,

the worst we can find.

La la la.

He'll have to sit and watch them all,

and the monitor is mine.

Now keep in mind Joel can't control

where the movies begin or end,

because he used the special parts

to make his robot friends.

Robot roll call

Cambot,

Gypsy

Tom Servo,

Croooow.

If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes

and other science facts,

repeat to yourself it's just a show,

I should really just relax.

The Mystery Science theater 3000. ♫

- But you circuit circuit
we could watch the movie

with you guys.

- Gypsy come on, you know I
need you to run the higher

functions of this ship,

that's why I created you.

- Yeah, you just had me
so I could do all the work

around here.

- Just a second.

Hi everybody, welcome to
the Satellite of Love,

I'm Joel Robinson.

Gypsy and I were just discussing

the possibility that maybe
she might be included

in this week's experiment.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes

- Okay, now Gypsy, you
know that Joel created you

and has a wonderful plan
for your life, right?

And on the day he created
you he gave you a special

gift that none of the other
robots on this ship share,

right?

And Joel wants you to use that gift.

- He does?

- Richard (mumbles)

- Don't patronize me Joel.

OK.

Have you adjusted the
stabilizers on the ship?

- Done.

- Okay, have you told
the computer to give us

an uninterrupted supply of oxygen?

- Roger Roger.

- Okay, have you taken the heat shields

and point them up to the sun?

- Yep.

Twice.

- Okay, do you think you
can make witty remarks

all the way through this week's movie?

- Yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh,
yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

Sisters are doing it for themselves.

- You're on Gypsy.

- Oh thank you Mr Robinson.

You won't be sorry.

Well, gotta go.

Don't start the movie without me.

- Ixnay on the ipsy Jay.

- Hey, come on you guys.

Take it easy, you know don't be too hard

on Gypsy.

We might have a good time in there.

- Joel, you should have
stopped at two Joel.

- Everyone's going to the movies,

- I don't know Joel.

I still don't think it's
a very good idea to have

Gypsy watch the movie with us.

- I mean, she's a fun gal.

She's got her own groove.

But to be quite frank, I just don't think

she's down with the street.

- Well, I guess we'll find out.

Oops. Looks like the
glimmer twins are calling.

- Ahh good idea Joel,

get Gypsy in on the fun.

Ha ha ha ha ha , ha.

Well, what I wanted to say,

Frank!

Anyway Joel, I've been on retreat,

most of this week.

Three days of silence,
prayer, and simple food.

And I've left the invention exchange up

to Frank.

Yes, learning to relax,

learning to trust.

Let's see what he's come up with, huh?

Frank?

- Well, thank you.

As you all might remember,

Doctor Forester and I
run a pretty hot little

day care business, down here in Deep 13.

Doctor F handles the business side,

so I know all about learning to trust.

He he he ha.

Whereas I handle the actual,

the actual hands on work of

working with the toddlers down here.

And yet, I'm still stuck
doing all the lawn work.

Well, that's why I've invented lawn baby.

Now our lawn can still have
that silken suburban sheen,

at the same time I can take little baby

for a leisurely stroll.

Want to hand me that?

- Here we go Frank.

Frank, you could have hurt baby Melvin.

Well Joel, as you can see,

you can see this one may not fly

without a little more work.

So much for trusting.

Why don't you go on

with your invention exchange, no?

- What a coincidence.

You know we've also been
getting into the nesting

instinct up here on the Satellite of Love.

You know it's becoming
popular for young parents

to begin molding and
shaping their children,

from a very early age.

- Why Joel, you're radiant.

You're more beautiful than ever.

- Thanks you guys.

And we thought it would
be a really neat idea

for pre-natal kids to get in on

some of the really cool music
that's going on right now

and also cash in on some of those

self-motivational tapes.

Enter the womb mate.

You've got these headphones that go over

your stomach like this,

and then you play a tape.

Say you want the Leader
of a future generation,

play the theme music from
2001 a space odyssey,

thus spoke Zartharatu.

- And if you want an infant
who can sell, sell, sell

Just pop in Brian Tracey's
psychology of achievement.

- You know everyone
has abandonment issues,

so play John Bradshaw's
Healing The Child Within

for your child within.

Hey, what's playing now Joel.

I don't know, let me check.

It's Nazarus Hair of the Dog album.

- That's mine, how'd
that get in there anyway.

- I don't know, but I'm
sure glad I'm not pregnant.

- You're not are you?

- No, of course not silly.

- I'm having a little problem hearing.

I'm having a little trouble hearing you,

I

Anyway, your experiment this week is,

sad to say,

the last of the Hercules movies.

I can't even tell you the name of the snip

that plays him this time out.

Anyway, I've got to go help

Frank with his little problem.

Why don't you go on ahead.

- We're going to movie night.

- The movie's starting.

Come on you guys.

Joel, Croooow, Turbo.

- Alright Gypsy.

- Hercules and the Captive Women

This sounds really fun.

- Oh Gypsy you're so naive.

- Read the hieroglyphs, it says that um,

One time this big lobster
came and attacked a lady

but Mr Ed saved her.

- Really?

- I think he's kidding Gypsy.

- Man I knew it, Gypsy can't hang with us,

she just isn't down with the street.

- Oh come on, I think she's doing fine.

- Where's the sarcasm?

Where's the biting, usurping commentary?

Where's the scimitar wit?
- Rapier

- Rapier wit.

- Yeah, whatever, come
on Gypsy, let's have it.

- Ahhh, okay, ahh,

Look at that dog name, that's so stupid.

- Oh brother.

- Hey, General Music
Company, nothing specific.

Slow or fast, that's about all we have.

(all make weird noises
in time to network music)

- Hey look, A chili Pizza.

Who's hungry for chili pizza.

- I am, that sounds delicious.

- Gypsy, I weep for you.

- Are you kidding?

- Bonanza.

- And if that map burns
it'll be a grease fire.

- Ha, ha-good one.

- The King of Thebes was an

- Was what, what happened to him?

- Oh forget it, just enjoy it friends.

- Even the (mumbles)

were loyal to this brave ruler.

- King of Thebes.

- Hey,

hey stop fighting.

Everybody stop fighting.

- It's okay Gyps, it's just a movie.

- The service here is great.

Even during a fight.

- Good natured brawling was a necessity.

- Good natured?

- To keep the young
warriors fit and strong.

The wars were always present.

- Boy it's busier than usual.

- I hope that's not Hercules.

Oh no, it is.

- Have you got a phone I can use?

- Come on.

- Oh they're bathing together,

That's weird.

- Not in Greece it isn't.

- Oh, another fun friend.

- Man, we got a junior buffalo shot.

- Da da da da da da da da.

- You too.

- History tells us of the war

And now I'm going to too.

- Tells us of an era where an unforeseen

Perils of the mystical
unknown were always lurking.

This is one of those legends.

- Hey, get this, they're
steam cleaning the horses.

- Hey, good one.
- [Joel] You got it.

Look there, sun.

- Yeah, what's it doing up there?

- Ah, ahh

- Where are you going?

- All Greece is bleeding.

Pity our poor country,
flee for your lives.

- What are you trying to say?

Where have you come from?

- Who's your daddy?

From the tombs but it's
fallen from the heavens,

With flames and poisonous serpents,

- Sounds pretty bad.

- Ummm.

- The people are fleeing before the

Deadly shadow which is
bringing night without end.

Can't you see the rain of blood and fire

- He's so long winded.

- [Tom] Yeah
- [Joel] Yeah.

- Tell me,

- Pink young lad.

- It's great, really good
audition piece, thank you.

- Very nice, very nice.

Oh, a roller ball.

That must be that Moses character

I've heard people talking
about so much lately.

- He's not heavy, he's my brother.

- Where did he go?

What does it mean?

- I don't know, it must be a sign

From the heavens.

Only the prophet Terresius
can tell us what it means.

- He's in Thebes, come on.

- Today we weren't supposed

to take the brown acid.

- I don't get it.

- Neither do we Gypsy.

- ♫ How do you solve
a problem like Maria ♫

- I think it's a take
back the night march.

- Ah, I think we're being followed.

Just act natural.

- Hope he can make that hill.

- Weeeeellll

- But I couldn't understand them.

- --with thunderbolts, and lightening,

With the winds they have spoken

But not by menacing or punishing,

But through their life-giving powers,

They have spoken.

What have they said?

- Oh wise
- [Croooow] They said

Will the owner of a white Toyota Camry

Please

- --who can say, the peril hangs

Over all our lands.

A peril from afar.

- In fact, apparel is half off this week.

Da doonz..

- Who would dare attack the Greeks?

- Evil is upon us.

Forces of unbelievable horror

- Horror to the people.

- --when you have been through the straits

From which no vessel has returned.

- Ahh, over here.

- Across unknown seas,

- You guys, you know
ah, this movie's really

Not good.

- Yeah

- Right, that's true.

- Ummm,

- Great gramps.

Start the car, I'll be right out.

- Guys, ahh, I just remembered,

I got a million things to do.

- Wait you can't leave now,

You wanted to sit through
the whole experiment.

- But, that was before

I knew and there were these things and now

I have to go do them.

- Well, if you can't stand the heat--

- That's okay Gypsy, run along.

It's really fine.

- So long.

- --manage to reach an accord.

- Thanks to the gods I
alone command of my kingdom.

- Well!

- And Hercules is right--

- She did her best,

So I don't want you guys making--

- [Croooow] Joel
- [Tom] Shhhh.

Watch the movie.

- Yes

- Ha ha, hi hi, ha ha, sick.

(laughs)

- Shut up, it's not funny.

- We need to divide ourselves.

One force attacks, one defends.

- He-ey.

- Dear brothers we
didn't come here to take

- Wolf whistles

- We must unite against
the enemy that menaces us.

Would you perhaps prefer
that we wait here,

Helplessly for the moment,

When the enemy will decide to attack?

To destroy all of our cities?

- He's got Earl Campbell thighs.

- Soldiers are invincible.

And my navy big enough to transport them

- Oh oh oh ha ha oh oh
I'll just um oh well

Return to my seat.

Oh, oh oh, oh, oh.

- The outline of Greece on the map and

Within the confines of my own land

- I swear by all the gods on high that

- Look at that.

- No enemy will ever pass

- [Croooow] Look out he's
- [Joel] Duck!

- Brrrrrrrrung

Don't impress me.

- Hah!

- Brrrrrrrrung

- Ha ha ha ha, did you think I'd make a

- Excuse me, you're on fire.

- (blow blow)

(blow)

- Even the king can court
misfortune if it's too intriguing.

- Hey, Doctor Zirra.

- Money for the last war
still waiting to be paid.

- If you think to fill
your coffers with my gold

Because we're now forced to be allies,

No!

- Okay, yes.

- I changed my mind.

- I must go alone

- They lost me.

Way back there.

- I'm doing my kingdom
to defend all of yours.

- [All] Whoa, look at that guy

- we're going to see to it that nobody

sits upon your throne during your absence.

- [Joel] Whoa, yuck
- [Croooow] Fake cries

Do you mind?

- I think it would go something

like this.

If you don't mind, I kind of

need to do some squats right now.

- Take this out to the garage.

Wonder what his max is.

- Umm

- Your throne shall be
rebuilt the day you return

Androcles.

- Uh thanks, I think.

- What a waste of a fine throne.

It was carved especially for me in Tyron.

- Now it's garbage.

- We shall sculpt one far
more beautiful to celebrate

your home coming.

- But I can't go to homecoming with you.

- It's a kind of a cruise ship.

- (grunts) I'm almost done.

Hey bring me a magazine.

- You know what Tony,
if we all work together,

we can beat Harvard.

- Do you think he'll be very mad?

- Difficult to say before he wakes up.

No matter, we're miles off-shore.

- When papa finds out I put
a sleeping powder in his wine

- Hey, he's coming around.

- You take over, if he
finds out that I'm on board

we're all done for.

- If he finds out you
dressed him in a mini skirt

you'll be in even bigger trouble.

- Wait I'll come with you.

- No, you stay here.

- Oh sure, boss around the little guy.

- Simulates trumpet warning sound.

- Down the hatch.

- I didn't see that.

- Nah uh.

- (groans) ohhh, did I
toss a throne last night?

- Oh I must have overslept Hercules style.

- Anybody know where to get breakfast

around here?

- (chews loudly)

(burps)

- Why you son of a ha ha ha ha

- Lovely day isn't it?

- Yep.

- Ha ha, ha ha.

Don't hurt me.

- It's nice huh?

- Yeah

- How long have we been at sea?

- Since sunup.

- Ah sunup, good, yes.

Yeah, that's nice.

- I want to go home!

I want to go home to the farm!

I want to go home!

- What's the feet.

- On the bottom of my leg.

Ha ha ha.

- And where are your warriors?

- Um, I ate them.

Ah, no.

- It's because of that
I brought you with us.

- Uh huh.

- I understand, I understand.

- I'm a rational man, I'm a rational man.

- And is this your crew?

- No, they're my little brother's friends,

there's really nothing much

- All right.

I love it.

We're gonna have fun.

- Fine company.

- It's the best I could find.

- But, I thought you
were the King of Thebes.

- Duh, I wish.

- It's one against the
soothsayers, the senators,

the Commanders of the Army.

Aren't you always saying that democracy

- Never mind, never mind.

Anyway, I was right to
smash the throne, wasn't I?

- Oh lay that one on me.

- Now how do you intend to beat the enemy?

- Oh, I forgot.

- Hey Hercules, put him down.

- No need for irony.

An enemy we've never seen
is twice as powerful.

We now have to find out who this enemy is.

- All done?

Hmm?

- Yeah sure.

- But where does he intend to attack us?

- Look, wake me up

when you get to the plot point okay?

Goodnight.

- Hercules?

What are you doing?

- I'm sleeping.

- Oh is that so Herc, is that so?

Oh that funny cumbersome clown.

- I'd prefer it if he hit somebody.

- Well whatever tugs at
your (mumbles) little fella.

- Steve Austin.

- Meanwhile, in the very same scene..

(imitates bugle fanfare)

- Hey, come back here with my dinner roll.

- You weren't gonna eat it anyway.

- I is too.

- I seem to remember

my food cup being

(voices blend together)

- I didn't take your brownie.

- You didn't even butter it

- What's the matter wiener?

- Push him over,

push him overboard, he's worth it.

- Get you another dinner
roll some other time man

No I'm afraid it's mine.

- Dinner roll.

- Dinner roll you.

- Hey, who left the rudder on land?

- Oh geez, I got a back
up in table ten, oh

- Good morning Sir

- Frosted lucky charms sir.

- Oh, ah.

I went home with you?

- Oh it's impossible.

I hid down here in this
hole six long days.

I've gotten sea sick in the bargain.

I'm going up.

- No you don't.

- Keep your Buffalo
Shot to yourself there.

- We're lost if Hercules
finds you on board.

The only thing he's been
asking all these days

is whether you're at home, safe and sound.

- Did you tell him I was.

- Don't be (mumbles)

- What else did he say?

- Nothing.

Mostly he sleeps.

When he doesn't sleep, he fishes.

- Fishes?

- You know, line, hook, worm?

- Good night now.

That's our time.

- Join us in the world
of sails and adventure

as we board the golden hind.

- Oh great, a Marmaduke ship.

- [Tom] Ruff
- [Croooow] Howls and barks

- Maybe if they pulled up the anchor

the plot would move a little.

- Oh Harry, taking
pictures of nothing again?

- Oh, dear lord,

the canary exploded.

- (fake sobs) so sad.

- Hercules sleeping

- Oh?

Big news.

- He won't bother us.

- Don't worry.

- That is a juicy cut of beef.

So juicy and oily and good.

- Let's see how Mr Rockford
does without any water.

- Can God himself make
a plot so complicated,

that even he can't comprehend it?

- Daaaaiii, gee Davey, ahhhh yep.

- It's the Blue Lagoon.

- No, no, I thinks it's
James A Mitchener's

"Adventures in Paradise."

- Move along, don't be so slow.

- Okay, now stay with the tour.

Over here's where they
filmed Herc's a poppin

and Hercules 69 and of course, Grease 2.

- ♫ Shake shake, shake shake shake

Shake your booty ♫

Come on everybody.

- Wonder what they wanted.

- Say, now that is a micro mini.

- Um huh.

Seen my pants?

- Hey!

- Thanks for kicking me.

- The water can't be far off.

- It's right behind you.

Right over there.

- We should leave before
the sun goes down.

- You are going to fry
and age prematurely.

- Herc young.

- Hmmm?

- There in that direction
is the mysterious country.

If we can find it with the aid of the gods

we can confront the
danger that's menacing us.

- What makes you so sure
the gods will help us?

- Chew on that.

- Hmmm.

No, I can't believe that
rats gnawed those water bags.

Human rats with swords maybe.

Certainly not the best of men
for an enterprise like this.

- Teenagers.

- Sleep well, don't trouble yourself.

I'll wake you just before we go aboard.

- Go ahead honey.

- Hercules sleeps all the time.

Buffalo shots.

I don't need this.

- Perseus, now there's
a man who gave a toss.

- A planet where apes evolved from man?

- Man dance 92.

- What's club club for a man?

- Round table when?

- Come on everybody, we're beating up

on Stinky.

- Hey, do you guys remember
why we're doing this?

No, I'm in the film and I don't
even know what's going on.

- Let's get out of here or our careers

are done for.

(mumbles)

- At least let me see the sky.

- I know my rights, I know my rights.

Baby Callahan.

- I've had enough, I'm coming up.

- Wait, the (mumbles) are coming back.

- I didn't need those fingers anywhere.

- Joel, do you think
there's such a thing as

good natured brawling.

- Oh, I never really thought about it.

Some times when you see

- (makes aggressive noises)

- Why you--

dirty
- [Croooow] Laughs

- [Joel] Ahhhhh
- [Croooow] I would not do

that if I were you.

- Oh yeah?

- Ho ho ho,

that's it.

Out you pixies go through the door,

or out the window.

- Oh yeah, well I'm going
to mop the supply room floor

with you big boy.

- What in tar nation?

- (fight noises from all three)

- Huh?
- Huh.

(sounds of struggling)

- He's cracking up Frank,

we've finally done it.

- Ha ha ha, that was fun.

Now what was your question again?

I'm kidding, of course.

Yes there is such a thing
as good natured brawling.

- [All] We'll be right back.

- I want Joe Frazier, I want Joe Frazier.

- [Tom] Ha ha
- [Croooow] Oh oh, that's smart

Hey it's a personal pan Hercules.

- Herc on a raft, wreck em.

- Hercules!

- Huh?

- ♫ Little Audrey's day ♫

What, I'm trying to get
a little shut eye here?

- I'm the Herc.

- Victim Owen.

Hercules.

- Yeah

- Nahhh

- Uh.

Oh omnipotent Zeus,

- Hi, Zeus is not in right now

But if you'd like to leave a message

- Hear my plea

- Not guilty by reason of insanity.

If Androcles is still alive,

- ♫ In the year 3535 ♫

- I think we can pan with him here.

- Oh Zeus, my father.

- I'm not your real father.

It was Poseidon.

- Herc, don't swim until
an hour after you've slept.

- Even in the water Murray's
wigs don't come off.

- Oh, I recognize that.

That's from Star Trek.

- Oh yeah.

- He's landed on the
Captain Crunch Island.

- Rock candy baby.

- Doesn't gonna be so bad.

- Say, are you a captive woman?

- Kill me

- With kindness

- Kill me I beg you.

- Do not fear, I will not harm you.

- Please put an end to this torment.

Kill me.

- Love you like a rock.

- Go away stranger, go away.

- Who has imprisoned you?

- He was a man like you.

But he can be everything.

A great serpent, water,

a terrible tempest.

The air that you breathe,
the earth that you walk upon,

go away.

No one knows in what
form he will next appear.

- Who is the monster that threatened you?

- Proteus

- Protein?

He's pure protein?

- Watch out, save yourself, it's him.

Proteus.

- Behind the old man?

- Go away.

- Leon Russell?

- I don't want intruders on my Island.

- But sir, if you just consider

these magazine subscriptions.

- Dead by nightfall.

- Oh no!

- Oh, they're on the far side.

- And they got a dog.

- Watch out for the back draft

'cos it isn't that good.

- Oh now Herc's doing his

Nastassia Kinski impression.

Snakes away!

- Sit booboo, sit.

Stay.

- [Croooow] Kitty
- [Tom] Oh suddenly

it's an MGM film.

- Ho ho ho, why'd you have to hit me for?

- It's lion Boscalia.

- Give me a hug.

- Basic instinct.

- I'll say.

- [Joel] Ahh the--
- [Tom] Whoa

- Ha ha ha

- It's the turkey from room service.

- Now he's Tipi Heddron.

- Watch out for the string Herc.

- It'll cut you.

- Ha, I'm back.

I'll be a tour guide through hell, ha ha.

- (barks like a small yappy dog)

- Dino,

- Steam dragon still steaming mad at Herc.

- Darryl Dragon

- I love it when men and
lizards fight over me.

- Herc's going to get warts.

- ♫ young and beautiful

some day your looks will be gone ♫

It's Gordon Gecko.

- I'm not slimy!

Take it back, take it back.

- Oh, he's a karma chameleon.

They come and go.

- Yeah, they come and go.

- Uh huh.

- Look, I'm just not a touchy person.

Note to myself,

next time turn into
something without a horn.

- Oh, you are one spooky lizard.

- Oh, he's going to need
some Neosporin, definitely.

Yuck.

- I'm sorry I did that.

That's so disgusting.

- Hmmm.

- Say,

- Well now you're free.

- Oops.

- Hello?

- I guess you can get
blood from a stone huh?

- Boy the graffiti's
getting bad around here.

- Uh huh.

- You too, by the dreadlocks.

- I'm saved.

- Yes.

- Proteus is dead.

That is his blood.

This rocky cliff, this whole Island,

is Proteus himself.

- Wow, he's big.

- He nourished himself on the blood of you

and other victims.

But now it is all over.

- You think so?

It was my people who
left me as a sacrifice

to prevent him from destroying them.

- Nice.

- When you killed him,
you went against the will

of the gods.

- It was cool.

- Without the help of the gods,

I would never have succeeded
in slaying that monster.

- Buy me a drink?

- Like this beautiful breeze they sent.

- [Tom] - [Croooow] ♫ The Simpsons ♫

- There's my country.

Atlantis.

- Atlantis?

Oh that's where the
super station comes from.

- Conveniently located too.

- Looks like a race of polyps.

Well I'm glad they hired Sims Security.

- Looks like everyone's
lost their contacts.

- Wait for me, wait for me.

I know I have one credit
left but I'm missing

my graduation.

- Today is dedicated to Uranus.

- Well thank you, I'm flattered.

- We need to attend the temple
for the sacred ceremony.

- Ahh, can I keep my thong on?

- Jeez, for me I'd better beat cheeks.

- Everyone get down and
praise Hecules' an--

- Tom that's not what they meant.

- Well that's what she said.

- I know.

- Hey, Jim Henson's Gandhi babies.

- No, no, my only son no.

They can't take my son.

- I hate hecklers.

- No, no, no

- Conform.

Come on conform.

- Those children are dedicated to Uranus.

They're going to the mountain of the dead.

- Wow, that's cool.

Is that a Six Flags mountain of the dead?

- Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the King family.

- (claps and cheers loudly)

- Look at that guy up there.

(strains) Hey, could somebody
help me with this thing?

- Excellent copper buffalo shot.

- Hey, they worship the
cookoo cocoa puffs guy.

- You kids take those horses

outside right now!

- All right, fill em up

and give me a lube and a wash

and wash the inside too.

- [All] ♫ Here comes the King,

here comes the big number one,

bom bom bom bom. ♫

- Hi, I'm a new character.

- Forgive me if I interrupt this ceremony.

But the mists that protect
our island have vanished

as if by magic.

- Say, who's the new girl?

It's now my fear Atlantis
can be seen by mortal eyes.

- Uranus has abandoned us.

- Speak for yourself.

- Listen, the thunder over
on the great mountain.

We must sacrifice to Proteus.

- Wait.

Proteus does not need
human victims any longer.

- You dare enter here?

Who are you?

- Hercules of Thebes.

My father, the omnipotent
Zeus has guided me here

to your land.

- Hey, you guys are supposed to be nice

to me.

Today is dedicated to my--

- We know.

- Jinkara

- Let him alone.

No mortal has ever dared set
foot on the sacred Island

of Atlantis before.

- Oh, she's got a point guys.

Let's blow.

- What are you doing here?

- Come on bad candy.

- (mumbles) reason has led
you to the ire of our god?

- I do not believe in evil gods.

Such gods I have been taught to hate.

I (mumbles) gods which
demand human sacrifices

and slake their thirst with human blood.

For this reason I've slain Proteus.

And saved the life of a maiden

who was sacrificed to his monstrous fury.

- You lie!

- Joel.

- Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

- All I know is, I'm out of here, bye.

- Christie McNicol?

- Wow.

- I'm here mother.

There was no need to sacrifice
the daughter of a Queen.

You are the daughter of Antinea.

You are my daughter.

If you had to die,

- I wouldn't mind.

- It was for a far more noble
and fatal reason than that.

- "Tis a far far better thing

than I have ever done

- What reason?

- Your destiny is bound to mine Ismene,

just as mine is bound to my kingdom.

- And my kingdom is
bound to Fred's kingdom,

and Fred's kingdom is
bound to Murray's kingdom,

- all have the same meaning for me.

Unfortunately nothing has changed.

On the day that a daughter
of mine shall survive me,

it is written in the sacred books

Atlantis shall be destroyed.

- Mother?

- You must die.

- She's really strict.

- Um hum.

- I don't want to die.

- I want to live.

And laugh and love at life

and live.

- You stop or I'll give
you something to cry about.

- Take her away.

- And if you don't die willingly

I'm going to ground you young lady.

- I really admire what you did back there.

Just wanted to say that.

There's going to be three
extra people for dinner,

should I...

Oh, never mind, I'll come back later.

We're out of here.

Let's go.

- [Tom] Da da
- [Joel] Da da da da.

(all start humming theme from Get Smart)

- John?

- Marcia!

- John!

- Marcia.

- Oh John,

Marcia,

Joh,

Marcia

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, doh.

- Look he bumped into the
invisible synthesizer.

- Ahh, you wouldn't understand.

- Andocles wait!

- Andocles why didn't you,

- Oh, hay fever huh?

- Gosh I'm sorry,

I thought you were someone I used to date.

- No, it's not possible.

- What is not possible?

- We're going faster
than the speed of light.

- That man,

I saw myself it was Andocles.

- Andocles?

I don't understand.

- I'm sure I saw my friend Andocles.

And yet,

- I don't doubt your words.

- Just your intelligence.

- I suppose you think I've lost my mind?

- A planet where apes evolved from--

- Often a desire to see a
loved one creates the illusion

of seeing visions.

- Thank you Dr Joyce Brothers.

- Besides, you are weary
from your long journey.

Seeing nothing but death
and hardship along the way

you might relax and put your mind at peace

with more pleasant things.

- Why does she always have a Catholic

Processional behind her?

- ♫ Standing on a beach
with a gun in my hand ♫

- Wake up, Linda Hunter's here.

- Hylos wake up, there
are horsemen coming.

- Won't you leave me in peace

I've been waiting for this for days,

now I want to sleep.

- Christopher Walken.

- Get up you (mumbles).

One of the men is
herding a girl with them.

It looks like she's a prisoner.

- A girl?

- A girl, I'm a good old warrior.

- How's my do?

- It'll do.

- I tell you,

this would really be exciting if I knew

what was going on.

- Oh look, somebody threw
a cherry bomb over there.

- [Croooow] Awww
- [Croooowe] Cool

- Put her down and tie her to that stake.

- I'm tired of the steak
too, I want chicken.

Sir, did you get your validation sticker?

- Why wait till sunset.

Let's kill her now.

- And beat the rush.

- Orders of Antinea.

When it's time, we'll
throw her from the cliffs

to the rocks below.

Don't you look at me like that.

We're merely obeying your mother.

- I'm only following orders.

I love my god and country.

- What are you doing?

- (mumbles) do you want
to see them kill her?

- No, but I don't want to save her

by getting killed myself.

- I have my rights, I have my rights.

- Pizza, pizza, uhh.

- I've got a headache
this big and it's uhh

- Head injury playhouses,

don't let this happen to you.

- He's dead Jim.

- Hey

- ♫ There's a smile on your face

all the time I want to take your place

backstabbers ♫

- Yawns

- Exit stage left.

Heavens to Mergetroyd.

- I see London, I see France

- A lot more than that.

- ♫ Everybody must get stoned. ♫

- Tonight's episode.

Jack and Jill went up the hill

to fetch a pail of murder.

- Are there any others?

- No, I chase the last

Oooo, dibs.

I call dibs!

- It takes me longer
because my legs are shorter.

- It's no use,

it's no use.

- I can't make a decent cup of coffee.

- No matter where, it's my destiny,

that I die now.

- Don't be foolish,
who'd want to kill you?

What kind of people live here?

- Unfriendly and somewhat nervous.

- Fly for your lives at
once, they'll kill you too.

- They maybe possibly already
killed the great Hercules.

- Hercules?

Is he far away?

- Do you know him?

- He's my

- He was in my physics class.

- Don't worry now, if
he's here we're all safe.

- I'm a little drummer boy.

- Oh wow, fondue?

- Ladies and gentlemen
we are proud to introduce

the June Taylor Dancers.

- Ha, they're dancing to
Uncle Meat by Frank Zappa

- Sounds like dog breath
and ear of the plane.

- Oh Richard Pryor.

They dye for their art, dy

- Grace is an art

of magical apparitions.

- Please sir, keep the table talk

to a minimum.

- -It is not magic, but nature itself.

Here at Atlantis we
try to subjugate nature

to our own scope.

- I am satisfied with nature as it is.

Savage and gentle at the same time.

- Like me.

- Cruel and generous.

- Perhaps that is because your strength

and your courage make it possible for you

not to be afraid of the
mysteries of the universe.

- Why?

Do you fear them?

- I asked you first.

- Perhaps.

- (laughs)

- It's total.

- The smoker's tooth polish?

- No, the hard to work with ad guy.

- Dreezle, drazzle, drazzle, drozzle,

Time for this one to come home.

This is wild, I swear.

- Why are you so anxious to leave?

- Well some of us have to work.

- Have you not enjoyed my company?

- I must find Andocles.

I shall have no peace
until I discover what

has happened to him.

- Perhaps your friend is dead.

Perhaps his body lies at
the bottom of the sea.

- Thanks, that's very, hey.

- -but at least for
now, it is not possible.

- What a pity.

- In the City.

- Oh man, let's split.

- Tomorrow I shall place
at your disposal a ship

so you may continue your search.

There's only one thing that I ask.

You must promise me that you will return.

- Hit me.

- All right, one,

and you sir are on Art and Literature.

Okay,

In Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice,

what was the name of the
title character, Tom?

- Ummm, the Beatles.

- No

I'll give you a hint.

It's not Shylock.

He was the Merchant of Venice.

Anything?

- I'm afraid I'm going to have
to stick with the Beatles.

- You still don't get it do you.

- Hey studs.

Hey, check this out.

I found a listing for Hercules
in the History of the Gods,

isn't that cool?

- Yeah, neat.

Lucille Ball?

Well then perhaps I'm the only
one interested in the fact

that Hercules was also known as Hericles.

Hercules the Great, Hercules the Hero,

Son of Zeus and Alchemine and
he was driven into insanity

by Hera who later restored his sanity.

- That's really neat
Croooow, Jimmy Hoffer.

No.

- Well then perhaps you
philistines will be interested

to know that Hercules quote
was Scrawny and under-developed

as a child.

He became interested in body
building only after an unknown

bu shameful incident in
the boy's locker room.

- It doesn't say that.

Let me see that.

- Ahhh, tut tut.

You're not interested.

- Come on Joel, let
him read a little more.

It goes on to say Hercules was
not known for his intellect.

In fact he was dumber
than a box of sticks.

- Hercules couldn't outwit a staple gun.

In fact both hands and a
flashlight were not enough

for Hercules to find his

- He's making this up, come
on, it doesn't say that.

- It does too, dick-weed.

- Come on Tom, let him finish.

Go ahead Croooow.

- Thanks, well here I'll
skip down to the stuff about

his son Hynos.

Here it is,

- Hynos?

- Hynos never lived up to
the impossible standards

set by his steroid popping father.

Unable to fulfill the role of a demi-god,

Hynos drifted aimlessly
and eventually fell in

with an experimental
Minneapolis theater group

called the Orange Hyena.

Their nude production of Blithe Spirit

set in a Texas prison,

was seen by four people,
in it's two week run.

- Joel, he's making all this up.

- Come on Croooow, is this stuff for real?

- Yeah.

Yeah it says here, after
flunking out of locksmith school

Hynos drifted for four years.

Stopping at his father's home only twice.

And then just long
enough to eat a sandwich

over the kitchen sink, with his girlfriend

Tamara, an exotic dancer.

Every so often Hercules
would see his son's

yellow 72 charger in the driveway,

and would now that Hynos
was home to ask for money.

On one occasion, Hercules
sat him down to talk

over a 12 pack of Mickeys Big Mouths.

Before long it disintegrated
from bitter accusations--

- Okay, Croooow, I think that is enough.

You know folks, history really is fun,

especially when you make it up yourself.

- Oh, we got movie sound.

- Put that book away.

- Ah, it's good stuff though.

- Here, drink this wine.

It will put your spirit--

- Oh, don't do it Herc.

The same old same old.

- No don't, you'll be killed..

- Wait, come back.

- Oh, too late.

- When will he ever learn?

- He didn't swallow.

- You're right, he didn't swallow.

- I hope that tomorrow you will
have decided to remain here

for as long as you wish.

Even for the rest of your life.

- We'll be leaving now.

Come on Gretchen.

- Is it working yet?

- No.

Nothing.

- Um, do you feel any
different. Just wondering, 'cos

Gonna lay down, okay good.

- Ha, looks like bongos.

- It all looks so good, where do I start?

- Hey, hey man, wake up.

You know after my senior
year, my tolerance level was

like so high, it didn't matter any more.

- Spit take.

- Ahh, I'll get it later, what the

- Bronze and pinto.

Leave Greenwood.

- So, only two men managed
to overcome ten of you.

- Antinea, send me back with new men.

I assure you this time
they won't get away.

I beg you.

I swear it.

Such a thing won't happen again.

- Yes, you're right.

It won't happen again.

- Not the commode.

No, no.

- Oh, I knew it.

Death by chocolate.

No, don't kill me.

- No, don't make me take a bath.

- Let me watch creature
feature, come on mom.

- You can't do that, I've
got tubes in my ears.

You're going to get in trouble so bad.

- Oh, it's going to kill
him but it will do wonders

for his arthritis.

- Another Jenny Craig success story.

- But Antinea, I've had to imprison

- Yes, I mind very much if you smoke.

- He could easily be dangerous.

- Dangerous for whom?

- Dangerous for Atlantis.

- I am the Queen of Atlantis.

It is I who decide about life and death.

- Who died and made you god?

- Open it.

- In retrospect, it was
a dumb place to hide.

- Poor Androcles, too
fragile for the weight

he had to support.

Now somebody else will sit on the throne

that was destined for him.

- And it ain't going to be me.

- Hercules.

- Take him to the valley and let him die

like the rest of the weaklings.

- ♫ Everything is
beautiful at the valley. ♫

- And then go find me
Ismene, and kill her.

Kill her.

- Locked, cocked, and ready to rock.

- Hey can I get some service in here?

- Seen it.

- Aww man.

This is his only bit.

- You know, some of these
are just for me folks.

Why does he even bother to bend them back?

He's a show off.

- This used to be easy for me,
I'm getting up there folks.

- Alfred Hitchcock presents,

- Better get back in there,
I picked the wrong window.

- James Brolin in, The Cock.

- Gees, will you look
at that idiot Hercules

up on the ledge?

- Will we stop and help him?

- Nah, he'll just kill himself.

- Taxi, taxi.

- One two three pinned.

- Oh yeah, the horse.

I got a little tied up with the guy.

- That was good Herc, I
was with you all the time.

- Careful, white white white, is the color

of our carpet.

He couldn't have escaped
through the window,

the bars are intact.

- Where is he?

He can't have disappeared.

Find him if you value your life.

- I don't really value my life.

- Guys, it's the Wonder Bread chart.

Check it out, see?

- Oh, this is so nice.

Just you and me, and him.

- Okay, if things get rough,
we eat the little guy, agreed?

- The soldiers.

- This is not a drill people.

- Special delivery Mr Rogers.

- Hey, I used to lift with that guy.

- (harmonizes)

- Hello

- hello

- hello

- Hello.

- They've got Andocles,
let's go after them.

- You're mad.

They'll kill you.

- They got s mores?

- Geez, not going to
get anything done today.

- You've hurt yourself?

- It's Hercules.

Hurry Darganna.

- Hercules, I hope he doesn't fall asleep

- Ah great, the next Hercules
doesn't come til 9.47

- Sergeant?

- Yes sir.

- Halt.

- You bringing us another customer?

- It's James Mason.

- Take him down and
lower him into the pit.

- And feed all the rest of
them while you're there.

- Might as well kill
two bids with one stone,

- Visit scenic Lake Herc.

- Ride the Herc.

- Huh, a fellow could get
to like a place like this.

- You know it's really
amazing there aren't any

tourists here.

- I think I'll go nude.

- Ahh, I think the camera
man's falling asleep.

- You know, it's possible
that this is the stupidest

part of the film.

- Oh, looks like even
Hercules is bored by this.

- Pizza Pizza.

- See guys, in the old days
they didn't even take the cheese

out of the goat before
they served it, see?

- Number 11 your order's up.

Number 11.

- Hey, the dead goons here, whooo.

- It looks like a road runner cartoon.

- Meep meep.

- High perspective and
the way that it comes

- Is that?

- Don't do that.

- Kids come a running for
the good taste of raw goat.

- Goats head soup.

- Ohh,

♫ it's raining goat, hallelujah ♫

- Who wants white meat?

- Who wants grey meat?

(simulates retching)

- Oh, here comes dessert, hmmm.

- Ahhh, there's always room.

- Wait a minute.

- Aww look you can see the
string's hanging, fake,

- Jokey for slaves.

- Oh I see London ha ha ha.

- What are you going to do?

- Owie.

- Hercules, there are too many.

If we had the help of
half the men in the valley

we could (mumbles).

- Can we set them free?

- Down there, there's a barricade.

We gotta break it.

- I want to take a picture, step back.

- Forget it I'll do it.

- Even if you should break
through, the guards would hear.

It's better to run, hide ourselves.

- If my father finds me here with a girl

- He'd be surprised.

- He'll never let me out of the house.

I'd better do something useful
before he gets hold of me.

- I'll mow the lawn.

- It's the tin man brigade.

- Sorry I'm a coward.

No-oo.

- Ho ho, number 2000
pencil works every time!

- Thanks for all the help Sheri.

- Huh?

- You get off him.

- Huh?

- Now, the original
Broadway Cast of God spell.

- They're mad.

- Hey, just let me unlock it alright?

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

It opens the other way.

- Look there, the soldiers are coming.

- Ahhh criminy, I didn't
even have the table set.

- He's got no new material, has he.

- No, he's passing a stone.

- Oh, right in the head.

- Oh.

- School's out man.

- Andocles is down and
Hercules acts quickly

on Emergency 9 11.

- Excuse me, I'm a slave
escaping and I really got to--

- Oh, just set that anywhere.

- Alright, clamp.

Sponge.

Needle

Suture

Needle

Sponge

Clamp

Suture

- Zeus be praised.

- Oh, thank you so bloody much, Zeus.

- The prisoners are escaping.

Kill every one of them.

- Except for Chopper, he's the funny one.

- Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb

- Soldiers Crystals.

- Those sticks and stones
may break our bones,

but, ow, ooo, oww, oww

- All come on.

- Yeah, halfway to Stones

- oooh, bad one, ouch.

- Sad really.

- Hey, see these wounds,

these open sores that cover our bodies?

- They make me happy.

- Antinea has done this
treating us like animals.

And every day we curse the
fates that keep us alive.

And that monstrous Queen
who put us here to starve.

- But why?

- 'Cos she didn't feed us
and we've got these sores and

geez, I covered that already.

- But in the mountain of the
dead is a miraculous rock

that has the power to change all men.

- Change men?

What do you mean?

- I don't know.

I only know that we are doomed.

Every year the guards of
Antinea choose the children

destined to be changed by
the rock and it's powers.

- Murray, the sensitive leper.

- You smell great Carl.

- Those boys, that I saw,

- Yes we were like them

before we were taken to the mountain

many years ago.

Look at us now.

We are the few who resisted
the rock and it's influence.

Those who succumbed have
never been seen since.

- Many say that they now
live in the world of the

super natural.

Creatures of evil.

Invincible.

- Huh, they up there somewhere?

- I will go to the mountain.

- Better to attack Atlantis.

- No, Hercules is right.

We will never be really
free until we destroy

the power of that rock for ever.

I will go with you.

- I don't like you.

- Wait for me here and
take care of Andocles.

When I return we shall decide what to do.

- Yes father.

- Come along.

- ♫ Alexander's ragtime band. ♫

- Ahh, gee Herc, help
yourself to my horse, I guess.

- Come on, come on.

- So, did you hear my dad's out of town?

- Don't be sad.

- We'll go to Greece together.

Life is different there.

And in spring it's unbelievable.

- But I got to go back
to school next semester.

- We'll just think about all our today's,

and no tomorrows.

- Could you run that by me
again, how many tomorrows?

- Stranger come.

- Keep your eyes peeled.

- Ooh, sorry, sorry.

- Stop, you're all mad.

- You bet we're mad, can you blame us?

Look at us.

- The lepers are revolting.

- I'll say.

- Okay, stay here with your father.

We want our revenge.

- Well, I really did a good
job cooling them off I guess.

- How'd it go, what did they say?

- I hope that's pudding.

- Anyone who says winning isn't everything

has never won anything.

Just do it.

- Wow, really cool fort.

- Now let's see, didn't
we park on level four?

- You know Hercules, this
would make an excellent

conceptual night club.

- You know, it could be kind
of a work out night club.

- Yeah.

- Some granite, some steel, glass__

- We'll have concepts all
over, with video monitors

and such.

- Lifecycles and cocktail lifecycles, and

- Hmmm.

Suddenly I'm huge.

- There.

- Bad dog, bad dog.

- Somebody wrecked it.

- There is a fiery rock,

which holds the secret of life or death.

- Look Chad, I think you're
reading too much into this.

- You think I'm mad?

- I believe you believe
what you're saying.

- No, I don't think you're mad, cookoo.

- You can't believe that a
piece of rock can destroy

a man as we know him.

You can't believe that a piece of rock

can change bodies as well as minds.

- Well, I believe that for
every drop of rain that falls

a flower grows.

- But it also brings death.

We're dead men who walk Hercules.

Unbelievable horrors.

- You fruit cake.

- He's a disco inferno.

- Uh huh.

- Burn the mother down.

- Now after much searching,
Antinea's found the

secrets of Uranus and will use them to

make herself omnipotent,
destroying all mankind

and the gods.

- You are a priest (mumbles),
how can you speak so

of death and destruction?

- I was the last High
Priest dedicated to Uranus.

- Gonna wear longer skirts from now on.

- Uranus was a just god.

- Uranus was a good cop.

- If what you say is true Zanit,

this stone must be destroyed.

It has already caused too much evil.

- The blood of Uranus
can never be destroyed.

- Ooh, ohh, hooo, hooo.

- The rock of the gods
will only lose it's power

when touched by a force
above and beyond this earth

and beyond which we live.

- You know the secret of this force Zanit,

tell me

- It's pudding.

I don't know why.

- I can reveal to only one man the secret

mysteries of the gods but
he must show me that he is

stronger than the rock itself.

Take this bar Hercules,

- Keep it as my free gift to you.

- That's it, that's all he has to do?

- Uh huh.

- This Hercules is dumber than I remember.

- So you took shop class, big deal.

- He's dreaming.

- Zeus, father, help me.

- Help me Zeus.

- I do not do this out
of pride, this you know.

It is only to cause the hearts of stone

to swell up with pity.

To let their eyes fill with tears,

the tears of common humanity.

Do not abandon me in this trial.

- Oh nice you know, this would
make another good monologue

for young American actors on the go.

- Hercules is seeking the perfect ten.

- Getting it too.

- You're the one, Hercules of Thebes.

- Only the rays of the sun can
destroy the rock of Uranus.

- I need more fiber.

- The man who can remove that
stone, and a ray of sunlight

shines upon that rock,

then we will see the end
of the reign of Antinea

of Atlantis, and all it's inhabitants.

- Thank you zenit, and have no fear,

I shall succeed in defeating Antinea,

without destroying Atlantis
or her inhabitants.

- Okay.

- With the help of my companions,

I shall put an end to her reign.

- That's us, we're his companions, woooo.

- Oh, companions of Hercules,

- Oh?

- A funny thing happened
on the way to the forum.

- They made a Hercules movie.

- Remember the Alamo.

- Atticus.

- Say you want a revolution huh?

- That's what it's like trying to get into

Let's Make a Deal.

- Well, I see the
neighbors are at it again.

- Uh huh.

- Should I call the cops?

I'll call the cops.

- Looks like a job for the
Alpha Rank organization.

- No more than three items
in the fitting rooms please.

- Is that our cue?

That's our cue.

Come on boys.

- Okay everybody, let's
have fun this time.

Come on.

- ♫ One, singular sensation

every little move ♫

- Had this been an actual
emergency, you would--

- ♫ We love you Conrad oh yes we do, ♫

- Parthenon party.

- I guess so.

- Well, they stopped the
revolution to take a little nap

I see.

- The money's in the, ah

- Ha ha.

- All right then.

Show of hands, who's alive?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- I am not cleaning this up.

- Wow, crowd's dead tonight.

Typical Friday late show.

- Man, this kind of
took a really dark turn.

- Cripes I'm in trouble, I'm
going to get blamed for this.

- Oh, pardon me, excuse me, oh.

Sorry about the head there, sorry.

- Aww, those guys too.

- Well, this could have gone better.

- All right, go ahead,
everything checks out.

- Antinea!

- I'm in the shower.

- Herc is as mad as heck and he's not

gonna take it any more.

- Where's my son?

Where's Andocles?

- Have no fear, your son is alive.

- Underdog is here.

- He is safe.

Why didn't you have him killed?

- That was part of the deal.

- Why did you spare him?

- Because of you Hercules.

Listen to me.

I could have had your son killed.

And with him, your friend.

I could have had you killed too.

- I just didn't feel like it.

- Perhaps I should have.

That is what my people advised me.

But I did not heed their advice.

- You're on my dress.

- I wanted you to live.

I wanted you to live because I love you.

- Long time.

- I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

- If you will join me in
the conquest of the world

all mankind will recognize
me as their Queen.

And adore you as the one and only God.

Love me Hercules.

And together we shall
reign over men and gods.

- Well, it sounds good,

and I'm interested, but can I sleep on it?

- You taste like Alan Steele.

- You taste like Amanda Carlisle.

- Wait a minute, now you can have both.

- And how do you expect
to conquer the world?

- Hmm mass mailings and basically

you just saturate the market.

- Swing American

- Oh, plastiface, that
is the plan, I get it.

- These are my soldiers.

My men.

Against which no force
in the world can combat.

Of a supreme race born
of the blood of Uranus.

- You've crossed the line.

Pick up that table
Hercules and hurl it away

if you are able to.

- Hmmm, no problem,

do it all the time.

- Table for two?

- Alessandro will throw the table now.

- With this new race I
can dominate the world.

- We'll break tables all over the world.

- This is a mad dream Antinea,

but I shall put an end to the madness.

- Uh oh.

- Oh, that was kind of
dumb locking myself in.

I didn't think that through at all.

- It ends.

- No it doesn't.

- I don't think so.

- Send in the reinforcements.

We need reinforcements.

- Oh it's a swing and it's line drive.

- That's it?

- Huh?

- Surprise!

- Uh oh, spaghetti ohs.

- Oh, they're all photo
negatives of Abe Lincoln.

- Just take a little off the sides.

- Hercules.

- There's old yella.

- We've come to your emotional rescue.

- Hey look behind him,
there's the Millennium Falcon.

- It's the Police.

- Do do do,

- So, just be sending out an sos guys.

- Wow, these guys can
stare down the best of em.

- It's funny if you think about it,

you know Quinine.

- We represent the lollipop guild.

- I'll hit you with my giant
swab, I swear, I'll do it.

- Charles Schwab?

- (mumbles) makes those guys so scary.

- I'm super strong you know, because

- You've been following this?

- Oh hi friends, what you doing?

- We made a Hercules action figure.

It does all kinds of really cool stuff.

Yeah, it can pick stuff up over it's head.

Throw it.

Ahhh.

- It does lots of other cool stuff too.

It lies down and sleeps for hours on end.

- Wow, it's really neat.

Isn't it just the way it lies there.

- Well you guys, I hate to be critical,

- Oh no, no, we haven't even told you

the coolest part yet.

- Oh, okay.

- It talks.
- Yeah.

- Oh wow, really, well
that's a Herc of a different

color isn't it?

Come on in, okay.

Let's see, why didn't you tell
me that in the first place.

I bet he says a lot of neat action stuff.

- I'm so sleepy I can
barely keep my eyes open.

- Oh, but I want to hear
the kind of stuff he says

when he's running into battle.

- I'm so sleepy I can
barely keep my eyes open.

- Are you sure you want to
call this an action figure?

- I'm so sleepy I can
barely keep my eyes open.

- (cries) I admit it, I admit it alright?

Hercules action figure is lame.

- Really lame.

We're failures.

- Oh, come on you guys.

Come on, you put your best foot forward.

- I don't even have a foot,

- Okay, okay.

Okay, that's beside the point.

You guys tried your very hardest,

and you did the very best you could

and because of that,
you'll never be failures.

- You're absolutely right Joel Robinson,

we'll be back right after
this commercial from

Jolly Rancher candies.

Good night now.

- You okay?

- Oh.

- Father.

- Interruptus.

- And so once again you have disobeyed me.

- Once again we see there is nothing

you possess that I cannot take away.

- We took back the city,

and there wasn't any time to stop them.

- Where are the others?

- I don't know.

Timotheo got away with Ismene and Andocles

but when I tried to join
them, I was attacked.

- Keep it down in there!

Hey, come on, I work nights.

- And when I came to I found myself here.

- Maybe they used magic.

- It's really sturdy,
I think you should make

an offer on it.

- Dad come on, you never listen to me.

- I really love her and I still got my job

down at the garage and--

- Father look.

- You look, I'm bitter.

- Hmmm, forced aromatherapy huh?

- Now I remember.

- Now I know what this room is.

The mists that rose up,

Andocles invoking my help,

- and all that kind of stuff, and stuff.

- This is the room where
Andocles lost his memory

and consciousness.

And Antinea means to do
the same thing to us.

- Huh, who's Andocles and who are you?

- It's actually kind of soothing though.

- Legs A, before and after.

- So, lunch?

- No, this isn't right,
I haven't even ever known

the love of a woman dad.

- Too bad he has his own stud maker.

- Hey, he is a stud maker.

- Oh I hope this doesn't
mean that Kiss is going to

come in here and play.

- Oh great, throw salt in
our wounds why don't you?

- Ha, that's a real nice feature.

Ceiling comes down for easy maintenance.

- Uh, uh, what do you
think we should do dad?

Think we should push up on
it, is that going to help?

Gee wow dad, you're really strong.

You've done this kind of thing before.

Should I get the flashlight.

What do you want me to do dad.

Can I help you?

- I'm going to change my name to Atlas.

- Do you need help dad?

- Yeah, grab the crescent wrench.

- Which one's that?

Is that the one over there
with the, okay, okay.

Can I help?

- No.

Thanks son, look.

You know what you can do to help?

Go set the table for your mother, okay?

- Okay.

- Joseph, are you coming
to the barn raising?

- Ah, just set the ceiling anywhere son.

- See, that's why these pre-fab
dungeons are a bad idea.

- Yeah, thanks for helping
your old dad up, son.

- Sorry dad.

- Big chains for easy grip action.

- Climbing a swag.

- Son, don't look up right
now for your own good.

- Uh, you know, I really could
have helped back there dad.

I really could have,

hey I'm feeling kind of tingly right now.

Is that wrong?

- It'll pass.

It'll pass.

- Okay, dad, what are you doing,
what are you pushing me for

Ahhhhh!

- When in Chicago, see the coal mine

at the Museum of Science and
Industry on the Lake front.

- I think I just evolved.

- I think this is the same ramp

where Deepthroat met Bob Woodward.

- Who's there.

Halt.

- I mean Halt, who goes there?

- Oh, sorry I asked.

- Now this is what you do son,

you grab the arm and twist.

- But, I (mumbles)

- Good job dad.

- Gee son, this used
to be a ball park here.

- The other ones will lead to the sea.

Go Hylos, and leave this Island.

- And you father?

- I'll join you as soon as I can.

- Father?

- Go Hylos, this time you
must obey me as a favor I ask.

- I hate this part.

- Take care of your mother.

- Which one is she again?

- They have discovered our escape, hurry.

- Keep it down, keep it down.

- He's beautiful.

- Say,

Quick, 42nd and Broadway, pronto!

- Sir please take your
place at the cab stand.

We got a system for, oh.

- Take it out of first.

- Now that's on purpose.

- ♫ Buffalo shot won't
you come out tonight ♫

- Dad would kill me if he
saw me dressed like this.

- Oh look, it's the first muscle car.

Lots of horses under the hood.

- This looks like a lower whacker

drive chase scene doesn't it?

- Oh someone slammed
their cape in the door.

- I hate those little compact car spaces.

- You know, I was just thinking like,

like one horse be a little less cumbersome

than forty?

- Will one horse do?

- Quick all of you, hide.

- Hmm, that's handy.

I'll get it, I have to do
everything around this lousy cave.

- Ah, the first combustion engine.

- Big Daddy Donner looks like

a flaming chariot from hell power.

- I hope his body grease isn't flammable.

- Guys, I think Hercules exploded.

- Get off my back.

- It's a madhouse, a madhouse.

- Come on.

- Quit horsing around.

- Oh look, a dry roasted Spartan.

- Aww my cape it hurts it burns ow.

- Wow, Hercules teaches
them the meaning of loss.

- I'll say.

- Stop drop and roll.

- Follow me.

- I can't follow you, I'm an inferno here.

- Follow me if you're flame retardant.

- You'd think the sprinkler
system would have kicked in

by now, you know?

- Why Hercules, I never knew.

- Watch the wet spot, it's a doozy.

- Oh, never mind, you're on your own.

- Kansas was right, all they
are is dust in the winds.

- (Hums the theme from Indiana Jones)

- Wow.

These mountains really
make you feel small.

- Hey look, wooden ships on the water.

- I threw myself at those soldiers.

I fought like a lion.

- Look at me, just look at me.

- I must have killed at least 50.

- Pull my finger.

- There.

- On that ship.

She and Andocles are to be sacrificed.

They'll set fire to the ship

and let it drift away in the wind.

- And what about me, does
anyone think about me?

- What did you say?

- I said (muffle muffle muffle)

- Have you lost your mind?

Help he's a lunatic, help me please.

- ♫ Gonna see Miss Liza,
going to Mississippi ♫

- Come on you're carrying that
thing like a loaf of bread.

- Help, I'm a sacrifice.

Help me somebody.

Save me.

Please stow all your carryon
in the overhead compartment.

- I brought another prisoner.

- Raise the sail and go ashore.

- We haven't seen the signal.

- I carry the Queen's orders, move.

- Say, who's the new sacrifice.

- Stay quiet stupid

- Help I'm a ruined man.

- Meanwhile, six weeks later.

- Wait a minute.

I knew I had a 12 pack stashed in here.

- Once Herc gets an idea,

he's like a dog with an old sock.

He just won't let go of it.

- That's where he keeps his stash

so his mom won't find it, woo.

- Oh yeah.

- Oh, big deal.

- Good one Herc, you missed
it by about two feet.

- Slowly the sun will move Hercules,

and where shadow has been,
bright sunlight will shine.

- Oh great, where were you

when I was poking this hole in the wall?

- Hey, let me climb down,
it's really hard to hear from

where I'm at.

- Ouch, stingy, the burns and the hurt.

- I just wanted to know
if you want anything,

I'm going out.

- Ahh, I still can't hear you really.

- What?

- Fates have decreed that you shall live.

- Oh crap, I'm outta here, bye bye.

- Oh well, I think he misunderstood.

A bit slow, but a good kid.

- Oh look, he's wearing new balance.

- I'm Jim McKay and this is Great Moments

of the Olympics.

We'll be right back.

- Why are they holding rump roasts?

- It's an honor of Uranus.

- He will protect the
voyage of our warriors.

- There's the signal,
I'll set the ship afire.

- But we're on the ship.

- We haven't worked out all the kinks yet.

- What are you doing?

- Who are you?

- Your worst nightmare.

- I'm late, I'm late, for
a very important date.

Whoa, I didn't think I was
going to fit through there.

I thought I was going to
have to grease my shoulders.

- There he goes.

- Oh, loss of points on style.

He's fused his spine,
that's going to cost him.

- Cut Timothus loose.

- I'll just set myself anywhere.

- It's Jack (mumbles)

and his wife Elaine Lane.

- Look, Hercules.

- How can you tell?

- From his blow-hole.

- And he's leaving an oil slick.

- We're going to get a bigger boat, right?

- Oo, that's a keeper there hey?

- Hey get the gaffe.

Watch it.

Get the net, get the net.

Bring him in.

Doh yeah.

- And he's not wet lady's and gentlemen.

He's perfectly dry.

- He's a duck.

- Queer old duck.

- Woa, that thing's touchy.

- Krakatoa east of Java.

- Quick, get the camera.

- Oh terrific, now it's
a Bell Laboratories film.

- Women, children, spacemen,

and sort of stylized versions
of Renaissance men first.

- Yep, you see,

Good lesson here.

This is what happens when you

shake up a can of Tahitian Treat.

- When it's inside you

- Another Fourth of July gone bad guys.

- Yep.

- For Herc, these are
just acceptable losses.

- Well the Pompeii middle school closed.

Serbian schools juniors
and seniors, closed.

- You must protect us mighty Uranus.

- Bite me, I'm a statue.

- Take a layer of chocolate,

cover it with gooey caramel,

- And this is the closing of Uranus day,

please enjoy the finale,
and be careful driving home.

- Stop making Uranus cracks alright?

- I'm doing it.

I'm doing the best I can.

- We gotta get organized people.

We're not getting anywhere.

- That'll happen.

- ♫ It's the end of the
world as we know it ♫

- ♫ And I feel fine. ♫

- Oh, feet of clay.

- Really cracked up didn't he?

- Gee, I hope she's okay.

- I don't think so.

- Things fall apart.

- Yep.

- It's (mumbles) lack of conviction

while the worst are filled
with a passionate intensity.

Know what I mean?

- Well, if it means the end
of the movie, I'm all for it.

- Well, Michael Crow's film.

- When Atlantis fell, all State was there.

- We're raising our building
and lowering our prices.

- ♫ Hey, Armageddon
married in the morning ♫

- That was wide open.

- Not the out house.

- [All] (Hum Hawaii Five O Theme)

- Man, if this was in
Sensor it would be so cool.

- Now that the mountains have
finally tumbled into the sea

a lot of people have to
stop loving a lot of people.

- Yep.

- We now return to Force 10 From Navarone.

- Well.

- Hmm.

- Oh quit crying, we got problems too.

- Crap, I didn't know
it would be that bad.

- I I I

- Huh?

- Hercules?

What's going on?

What ship is this?

Where have we gone?

- Don't you remember anything?

- There was a shipwreck.

- Pull my finger.

- There was a bright light shining.

I don't remember any more.

- So then you don't know what you did?

- What?

What did I do?

- Ahh forget it, it's really not worth it.

- You saved all of Greece.

- You big dope.

- Oh come on, if you
really love me you will.

- I promise I'll write you.

I'll see you in September.

- Come back to Atlantis.

- Make it Atlantis again Man.

- Now let's listen while
Hercules tells the tale

one more time.

- Hercules will be back in
Welcome Home Roxy Hercules.

Spa.

Spa.

Down boy, down.

- Let's go.

- Wooo.

- Closing credits.

- And now, the time is near.

The time to face the final Hercules movie.

Ever.

For ever and ever.

And if anyone here knows

of any reason why this or
any other Hercules movie

should not be laid to its
eternal resting place,

speak now, or forever hold your peace.

- Ah Joel, um, I'd like
to offer a few words

at this time if I may.

- Friends, I feel as though I
were in intimate acquaintance

of Hercules, in each of his movies,

and I think I speak for
Croooow T Robot, Joel Robinson,

and Gypsy when I say, Herc,
wherever you are out there

in the mythological kingdom,

Bite me.

- Ah well said Servo.

- Right.

- I would just like to
say that although Herc

was dumber than a bag of hammers,

his pecs were really weird looking,

and boy was he greasy.

And as I say goodbye,

I also say, I'm going
to party like it's 1999!

- Wooo hoo!

- We've rested the test.

- We made it through the rain.

- It's a wrap.

(loud cheering from everyone)

- Now let's take a minute
to read a letter from

one of our friends in
the information club.

- Cool.

- Let's put this up on still star cam bot.

Okay, it's from Theresa
Reardon, and she writes

"I'm writing this letter to
tell you guys that I really

enjoy your show. Who am I trying to fool,

I'm so nervous that y'all
might actually read this letter

that I can't think of anything to say.

Of course I know my letter doesn't contain

humorous tidbits or artistic
renderings of the MST3K stars

and this means it won't
be read on the air.

Humbly yours,

Theresa Reardon"

- Well, you're right
Theresa, your letter won't be

read on the air.

- Oh, I'm just kidding of course,

ha ha ha.

- What do you think Sirs?

- Awwwwww.

- Looks like I've got some raking to do.

Closing credits.