Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 5 - Being from Another Planet - full transcript

♪ In the not-too-distant future

♪ Next Sunday A.D.

♪ There was a guy named Joel

♪ Not too different
from you or me

♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute

♪ Just another face in
a red jumpsuit

♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place

♪ But his bosses didn't like him

♪ So they shot him into space

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst we can find,
la la la

♪ He'll have to sit and
watch them all

♪ And we'll monitor his mind,
la la la

♪ Now keep in mind Joel
can't control

♪ Where the movies begin or end,
la la la

♪ Because he used those
special parts

♪ To make his robot friends

- ♪ Robot Roll Call - Alright,
let's go.

- ♪ Cambot - Pan left.

- ♪ Gypsy - Hi girl.

- ♪ Tom Servo - What a cool guy.

- ♪ Crow - He's a wisecracker.

♪ If you're wondering how he
eats and breathes

♪ And other science facts,
la la la

♪ Then repeat to yourself,
it's just a show

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000

[creaking]

[whooshing]

[thunks]

Oh, is it fueled by imagination?

Should we be afraid,
be very afraid?

No, and no.

Hi everybody and welcome to the
Satellite of Love.

I'm Joel Robinson and
the bots and I

are in a spirited game
of 20 questions.

It's a sassy, brassy,
musical humdinger.

Oh oh oh, is it a new
highland adventure

where they go
thrill-deep in danger?

No, wrong and wrong.

It is not the most exciting
undersea odyssey ever filmed

and it is not 100%
pure adrenaline.

Aha, then it's a bikini-clad
romp through summer's fun.

No no, was it a shocking expose

- of souls in bondage, maybe?
- Commercial sign,

in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1--

Is it not only his
nose that grows?

- Commercial sign. - Is it
personal this time?

No, we'll be right back.

Do we watch Dudley Moore juggle

two women in battle to
save his sanity?

- You made that up. - No, no,
no!

[MST3K theme music]

Ok, here's a good one.

Uh, stop or guess who'll shoot
my mama's babysitter

and throw her from the train.

[scoffing]

Whoa, hard hat and
legs are calling.

Oh, let me!

Hello, is Dave home?

No, there's no one
named Dave here.

I think you have the wrong-- Oh,
knock it off, you nitwits!

Frank, ah! [laughing]

I can't believe you
fell for that.

What, have you been under a rock
for the last 10 years?

Hello, is this thing on?

Paging Dr. F,

hello!

Frank!

Let's pretend I hurt you and
move on, shall we?

Done.

Well Joel, as the
brilliant essayist

and secret bigot H.L.
Mencken once said,

"No one ever went broke
underestimating the rumors

of my death have been
greatly exaggerated."

Or something like that!

The point is--

The point is, is that
someone is making a mint

off those damn Precious
Moments bisque figurines

and Dr. Clayton Stonewall
Forester wants a
piece of the pie!

You dig?

I dig, that's why we've come up
with these brand new

optional gifts for Grandma
that we like to call

Tragic Moments figurines.

Sure, Grandma will cry when she
sees her lovely gift,

but for very different reasons.

This first one is entitled,
Sparky's Last Romp.

And these beautiful,
handcrafted figurines

depict little Billy's first
hard lesson in life.

Plus what happens when a
dog teases a cow

way past the breaking point.

Thank you, Frank.

This striking hand-painted
lamp is titled,

By the Fire's Glow and it
depicts the tragic occurrence

when you light off a
roman candle

in the rumpus room.

This little beauty here
is the flagship

of our collection;
it's entitled,

I'll Get It.

And it depicts what should've
been a really fun

game of kickball, gone
tragically wrong.

Others in the
collection include,

He Raises a Hand in Anger,

World's Deadest Grandma,

and Dad's Liquid Breakfast.

And Joel, no one can predict the
market on these things,

but a 1987 copy of
Who's that with Mom

recently sold for $400.

Your turn.

[indistinct protesting]

That's the sickest thing you
guys have ever done!

Oh, lighten up and get on
with your invention.

Well, sirs, as you know,

charismatic actor Jack Palance
can make anything

he says sound horrifying,

or at the very least,
really interesting.

So we've come up with this Jack
Palance Impersonator Kit.

It makes anything you say

worth listening to,
isn't that right?

I just purchased a new
shovel today.

It cost $15.

Believe it.

Or not.

See? Or else you could

go ahead and try to
scare your friends.

Excuse me, is that Jack Palance

or Jack Pa-lance?

That would be a decision
for you to make.

Choose wisely.

Well, ah, what do you think?

Sirs?

Ahhh! Don't do that!

Your film today, Joel,

is a cinematic
tranquilizer starring

Ben Murphy called Being
from Another Planet.

And I hope you haven't made
plans for dinner,

my little corn muffin.

[laughing]

- Oh, shut up! - Okay.

We've got movie sign!

[yelling]

[rumbling]

[whooshing]

[creaking]

[heavy breathing]

Yes, oh fun, huh.

Jack... Palance.

Dimitri Villard.

In association with Wescom.

Oh, you know being from
another planet

I didn't have a lot to do
with this film.

Ehh.

[laughing]

As Isis, the god of love.

These characters are so flat.

Oh brophy, that's when your
brother wins a trophy.

- Zingle-wingle. - Zing.

Aw, they picked him
out of nowhere.

James, Karen?

Boy, he has an identity problem.

- Sam Chew--- - Gesundheit.

- Thank you. - [laughs]

Oh boy, wrong.

I predict her career
will go nowhere.

Good one.

Boy, we get the credits

and a tour through
the art museum.

This is just like the
beginning of Mannequin,

one of my favorite films!

So could you introduce me

to Shari Belafonte-Harper?

You know guys, I just don't
understand this modern art.

[clicking]

Sounds like somebody's
getting a haircut.

[muffled speech]

Sounds like the foley
guy opened a mic.

Aw, little Robbie Greenberg.

Number nine, number nine,

we are standing still.

You know guys, this sounds
exactly like Jerry

- What is that? -
Garcia's first film.

- Huh? - Yeah.

It's the Shroud of Turin.

[ominous music]

North wall?

They must be at a trailer home
during a tornado!

Tom Kennedy!

By the end of this decade,

you will host a game show.

[Man]: Okay, alright.

I'm ok, you're ok.

We're all ok.

Oh, this is his summer tomb

that nobody talks
about too much.

Last tomb on the left.

Fog?

Indy, throw me the whip,
throw me the Idol.

Norton, you in here?

[whispering]

Please be careful, brothers.

Is this a Hardy Boys
Nancy Drew mystery?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Mirage Hotel

proudly presents
Siegfried and Roy!

[beatboxing]

Smells like mummy meat in here.

Scooby?

It's alias Smith and Jones.

Whoops, stepped in a Tut pile.

Oh there's Pete Duel.

[groaning]

Ugh, has somebody been cooking

veal in here? Yeuch.

I'm Leonard Nimoy,

in search of my career.

[ominous music]

Watermelons?

No, it's the Wade
Newton insignia.

Did ancient astronauts
leave this rock?

Read the book.

So far this movie looks
like a dramatization

of a movie.

[laughing]

This is incredible!

Lovejoy, on A&E!

Early hopscotch.

Bless, this, mess?

Wait a minute, what's this?

I heart my dog, God?

[scared hooting]

Are you alright?

Hey Sams, could we go now?

Ah, shut up you mug.

Hi, I'm Martha Raye,
the bigmouth!

[gargling]

[airplane revving]

My boss, Mr. Hart.

♪ A file tape of a jet plane

Brecken's world.

Guests of King Tut's stay
at the California

Institute of the Sciences.

I'm going to need at least three
of you on each side.

Hey, it's Ellie May up there.

Carefully.

Oh look, it's Harry Belafonte.

Shari Belafonte.

Linda, this is fairly heavy.

Must we pose right now?

Rossmore wants a bunch of
publicity stills

for the press
conference tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Yeah, seems we have no choice.

Professor, could you move over
here and smile at the mummy?

Hey, Scott Baio.

Baa-ee-oo.

Casa de Bella,

[beatboxing]

A 3,000 year old
child proof cap?

[sniffs] Leave it alone,
damn you.

I just got out of the shower.

Looks like Abba in college.

That's the name of the game.

These are clearly the
original seals.

Ditch the coffin, we've
got what we need.

Which means the fella inside
hasn't seen the light

of day in approximately
2,000 years--

So he's gonna be crabby.

I'll say.

Lift it carefully.

You are about to enter the field

of forensic medicine.

Easy.

Ah, just toss it over there
against the wall.

♪ Operation--

From Tutankhamun.

Not that great, kind
of a let down.

Perfect condition.

It's cherry.

Can anyone translate the name?

Ankh, ven, haris--

No, Joan van Arc.

Literally, a noble traveler.

Meaning?

Look, what do you want from me?

Why would they bury a
foreigner in the tomb

of King Tut? That's a
good question.

They were wacky.

Maybe we'll find the answer in
the scroll of dedication.

Let's go for the inner lid now,
carefully.

Oh? Why it's Shirley Long
and Henry Winkler-

In Getting Goofy,
coming this summer.

Ready for the X-ray, sir.

Huh, my son the idiot.

[hissing]

Ooh, light a match!

[exaggerated coughing]

[dramatic music]

I don't peel any, ooh.

The Alan Parsons Project,

Tales of Mystery and
Imagination.

Hasty burial, minimum
preparation.

'Cause it's a gazillion
years old maybe, god.

What is that green stuff, mold?

Not really sure.

Michael, why don't you
collect some samples.

I'm collecting samples,
for the teacher.

Professor, why would he have
been given a hasty burial?

Like I was there.

Hey, check it out,
Wayne Gretzky.

But my guess is,
Ankh-Venharis died from some

kind of disease, such as
plague or smallpox.

Or whatever it was
that disfigured

and killed his attendants.

Well that's great doc,

could you sign my drop sheet?

An air-tight container, I want
to seal this up--

[mumbles] Rubbermaid
or Tupperware?

[dramatic music]

Oh, not my color, I'm
definitely a Fall.

Oh great, the plague!

And I got a date.

Michael?

Just about done.

Row your boat ashore.

All right, now mix me
up a pitcher

of Gin Gibsons.

Don't forget the onion.

Here, this is yours, you
can keep that.

All right, I think we're
ready for the X-ray.

[MST3K theme music]

[ominous music]

Uhh, I don't think so.

Chance of fire high today,
uh-oh.

What are you doing, you moron?

Doug, look at that.

My god, Sharpe!

One of those damn kids must of
knocked it off the setting.

You've been X-raying this mummy

with 10 times the normal dose.

He could die!

So we'll start again.

- Let's not-- - And say we did!

He's had enough radiation
for one night.

Just deliver those
plates to my office.

Why'd they send a mummy to
Pine City Lo-Tech?

Medical subsidary.

I don't know.

Looks kinda like a van mural.

And now, Trapper John, M.D.

Boy, Trapper John M.D.
lives right next door

to a medical center.

This guy's so negative.

[all laughing]

That's cute.

Let's see, you haven't flossed
and you don't brush.

These are terrible!

Who took these-- Oh, I did.

Well look at this,
steelies and eggies.

What could those be...

How the heck would we know?

Dear Aunt Nefertiti,

thanks for the... socks?

Uh, want me to turn on a light?

Ladies and gentlemen, the lab
and hotel proudly

presents Kirby Van Burch, the
crown prince of magic.

Huh, this Z.Z. Top poster's
gonna look boss in here.

And now Mr. Mummy, we
have some things

to discuss; I hope your business
affairs are in order.

Do you have insurance?

I'm watching you! [snorts]

Tut Tut Tut!

Man, I hate it when they paint
over the outlets.

Victor Buono.

Finally, the Warren
Commission files.

Ooo. Wonderful, neat.

Oh no, my mom found my stash!

That is so lame,

he's riffling the
mummy for change.

An Ace award?

What's that doing in there?

Huh, travel Yahtzee.

Now we're gonna look in the
underwear drawer.

Oh, you...

Done and done.

Hey, it's my money [mumbles]

Hey, wrap that thing up,
it'll spoil!

Oh, can I interest you in
our mocha mud pie?

It is decadent.

You can relax, I'm just gonna
check for cavities.

Just gotta match the dose.

Don't worry dear, this isn't
going to hurt a bit.

He's taunting a mummy!

Ow!

A perfect match.

It's Tim Matheson and he
loves the ladies.

How do you tell someone
they've been dead

- for 1,000 years? - I dunno.

Ok, here's my headshots,

now all I need is some talent.

What has it got in its
pocketses, gollum gollum.

Time for a razzle, candy or gum?

[ominous music]

♪ Gold doubloons and
pieces of eight

♪ Pieces of eight

Oh, he's doing his paint
by number clown.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jam Productions

is proud to present the
Black Moses of Soul!

[beatboxing]

[snoring]

Hall monitor.

♪ I'm walking, yes indeed

♪ I'm talking

[rhythmic humming]

[suspenseful music]

Wow, thin locker.

Man, everybody wears
cleats in this film.

Blue Diamond Phillips in
the Fifth Power.

New Entry

Jimmy Smith.

Uh, sorry Mr. Mummy,
we were unable

to reach your X-rays.

[dramatic music]

Well if I can't get it--

That'll be bad.

Dark Movie, a QM Production.

X-rays.

Man, it looks like a ground
round in his office.

Just put them over there.

I just want to finish
cleaning this scroll.

Just want to finish the eyes.

Ooh, teacher petting,
extra credit!

Please honey, not while
I'm decoupaging.

Trumpy, you can do magic things!

Aww. [humming]

- I don't know, Ken-- -
I'm impotent.

It's some kind of dormant mold.

Hey that's one of your students

you're talking about.

And thanks, Ken.

[loud clunking]

My T.A.

Ken in minerals and pathology

can start analyzing
it right away.

Can you bring it over to him,
do you mind?

Of course not.

Maybe he'll show me his new
electron microscope.

[laughing and catcalling]

What have I got to
compete with that.

Nothing, believe me.

Before you go, what do
you think of this?

What, are you playing hang-man?

Magic symbols,
astrological diagram?

Look at the material, I've never
seen anything like it.

It's not papyrus, it's not
leather, cloth.

Maybe you've found the first
civilization to use--

Get out, get out.

What a dismal thought.

Don't be like that.

[deep rumbling]

Ooo, heartburn, bad.

Rex is chasing rabbits again.

This bites.

Hey look, an ancient swing
line and a rolodex!

[slow dramatic music]

[humming]

Now was I a Smith or Jones?

I can't remember, it's
been so long.

Oedipus, no!

[slurping] Out, vile jelly.

[ominous music]

Man, if we could see that I bet
it would be real scary.

I don't wanna.

Ah! ABC movie of the week!

I'm sorry, did I startle you?

No, that's why I wet myself.

Aw, oh.

Aw, Susie, what time is it?

You're gonna look worse
than Ankh-Venharis

at the press conference.

And you smell like cheetos.

Susan, look at this.

Notice the cranial structure.

Line of the spinal column.

He's gonna need a retainer.

Maybe there's something wrong
with the X-ray machine.

No, no.

Here, the coffin came
out perfectly.

Hm, nice likeness.

Usually the internal
organs are removed

and prepared separately,
but here---

Ew, gross!

Now, get me a sandwich.

This mummy hasn't been prepared
in the standard manner.

What's this?

No idea, I'm a complete phony.

Probably a hidden compartment
for personal jewelry,

that's not unheard of.

Yeah, it's only hidden
unless you look.

Wow, they had 8-track.

[ominous music]

Blegh.

What is this stuff?

Guauco-mummy, heheheh.

Don't touch it!

Get Ken Melrose and
tell him something

has happened to the mold.

Get him quick. Come on!

Go get Melrose, he'll
touch anything!

[ominous music]

[creaking]

[whooshing]

[clunking]

[laughing]

Oh, what a royally lame
mummy in this movie.

Yeah, what a royally lame crummy
mummy in this movie.

Daw, what a royally lame
crusty crunchy crummy

dummy mummy in this movie.

Oh, watch this one, Tom.

What a royally lame Billy
mummy in this movie.

Oh man, Billy Mummy from
Lost in Space.

That is rich, what a hoot,
hoohoo.

It's Bill Mumy

and I happen to be a fan.

Oh, well I'm sorry, Joel.

You know the whole concept
strikes me as absurd.

I mean, what has master Mumy
done for us since his portrayal

of young Will Robinson on Irwin
Allen's production

of Lost in Space.

Well, lots of stuff.

Oh, like what?

Well, it might surprise you to
find out that he was even

a younger child actor than
when in Lost in Space.

Remember the film Dear Brigitte
where he played the little

boy who wrote to
Brigitte Bardot.

- - Ring a bell? Uh nuh.

And there was that
classic Twilight Zone

where he was the little boy
who could wish people

- into the corn field - Oh yeah,
yeah.

And then there was that one
really great movie that I

can't really remember the name
of where he played

that super genius
mathematician kid.

That one really great movie
that I can't remember

where he played-- well, let
me rephrase that;

Bill Mumy hasn't done anything
since he was 11, there.

Ooo, solid riff, Crow.

Thank you.

- Au contraire, Crow. - Oh,
drat.

Don't you remember?

He played Stirling North in the
heartwarming tale Rascal.

Stirling?

Yeah, and let's see what else--

Oh yeah, he was that young
rebel in that film

Bless the Beast and
the Children.

Oh, now I remember!

You know, that's about the time
he started showing up

on the Merv Griffin Show with
his electric guitar.

And the next thing you know
he's a special guest

bachelor on Jim Lange's
The Dating Game.

Dare we forget the now classic
Lost in Space reunion,

shown on Family Feud.

I was especially fond of his
work in the European

mime troupe, Mumy Shines.

Out. Out.

Fine.

- Beat it. - Beat it.

- No taste, you know. - I know.

You know I understand that
lately he's been spotted

performing space plays
live on stage.

As well as his work in
introducing a comic
book of course.

You mean, Lost in Space
graphic novel.

Let's not forget his work in the
band, Barnes & Barnes.

Remember Fish Heads,
need I say more?

Ooo, eat them up, yum.

Didn't he play the part of
Weaver in Sunshine Christmas?

Let's not forget his
cameo appearance

in the remake of the
Twilight Zone movie.

Uh, uh, did I say Billy Mumy?

I meant to say Butch Patrick.

Ah, changes everything.

Well why didn't you say so?

I felt like the Phantom
Tollbooth was

so totally overrated, you know?

Oh, excuse me, hello.

Hello, Lidsville, don't get
me started now.

Bah!

[MST3K theme music]

I thought his widow's
peak was real.

You okay bro?

Yes.

Worthless.

- Worthless? - Your
career that is.

What do you mean worthless?

I mean they're not precious.

You're precious.

They're 3,000 years old.
They're ancient, man.

Well who told you that,
some hustler--

I don't read Hustler.

Forget it.

I'm gonna find those
strawberries.

- Clown. - Take that back

or I'll squirt you
with my flower.

- It is the same
fungus-- - Among us.

But it's definitely no
longer dormant.

Norman.

- You have no idea what it is?
- Wizz.

Until we find out, don't
let anyone near it.

That's not going to be easy,

Rossmore scheduled a press
conference for today.

He wants to introduce
Ankh-Venharis to the public.

Ok Doug, I'll call Rossmore

and tell him he
simply must cancel.

Thanks Ken, appreciate that.

Ok, thanks, solid bro, word out!

Evening News--

Evening to you.

Michael see if you can find
something to rope

the coffin off with please.

Uh, like rope?

Huhuh, a chair.

Be sure everyone stays
clear of the coffin.

- Including you. - Gotcha.

Didn't we have 10 pound balls?

He wants to talk to you.

[muttering]

No we don't know for sure
that it's dangerous.

Well what are the savings?

Hey hey hey, lens cap!

Look, I'll get back to
work on this,

and if I learn anything
I'll call you.

Thanks Ken, thanks.

♪ Sky rockets in
flight afternoon

Huh?

Oh yuck, his pen blew up!

[ominous music]

Oooo.

Bad finger.

If you want it come and get it.

Get him to the campus hospital,
to the emergency room!

Call Melrose as soon as
you get there!

And don't touch his hand!

And get me two hardboiled eggs!

Make that three hardboiled eggs.

Settle down ladies
and gentlemen,

all part of the act,
settle down.

George Plimpton?

What's that jerk doing here?

What is the meaning of all
this commotion?

One of my students was just
burned by this fungus.

It's among us.

Come on, you know damn well what
I'm talking about--

I've seen your shower.

McCadden, I really resent being
blamed for the clumsiness

of one of your students.

Now if you're unwilling to
accept the responsibility

for this project,
perhaps we'd ought

to find someone who will.

Like Fuddleroy here.

Hi, I'm the soundtrack
for this film.

You know, music is a series
of ones and zeros.

No, this looks spermazoa
vacation pictures.

And ah, here's my zygote in
Fort Lauderdale.

Cheetah, get away from that!

Super sauve loveman,
Ken Melrose.

Ladies and gentlemen,
good morning.

My name is Wendell J. Rossmore.

[All]: Good morning, Mr.
Wendell J. Rossmore.

Today we are formally announcing
the permanent acquisition

of a major artifact
from the tomb

and the treasure of Tutankhamen.

And we got his hot tub, hurrah.

[dramatic music]

Hey, Jim Fixx!

[labored breathing]

Oh, no, there's a steady-cam
of the boiler room!

[groaning]

When I uncover the mummy,
you're going to notice

that the wrappings are
very deteriorated

and covered with a
green substance.

This may make him seem
rather unattractive,

but please, remember, he's been
in there for 3,000 years.

I can't believe he gets a
laugh with that.

Gentlemen, you may remove
the inner lid.

Where's Geraldo?

All rise.

Aw, it's full of chip dip!

[crowd murmuring]

[smacking lips] Looks good.

Hey look, I wasn't the only one
in the lab that night.

Don't you belong to a
fraternity, Sharpe?

Yes, so what?

Hey, Pete, I was a frat man, I
know what it's like.

Slow night, nothing to do.

Have a couple of beers.

Steal a mummy.

Quart of everclear in
a beer bong.

Try to prove it.

Why you little--

You little minx.

Why don't you ask Parker where
he was that night, I
saw him there.

I was at Hairclip for Men.

Dr Rossmore, Jack Parker
is not a suspect.

The most important thing is
we've got to find the mummy.

And we've got to counteract the
bad press generated

by that disaster this morning.

- Sharpe. - Yes, sir.

I want you to spread
the word through

the fraternity houses, I am
offering a 24 hour amnesty

to get the mummy back.

Now if he is not returned, I
am going to close

every frat house and search
every room on this campus.

And I'll search every underwear

drawer in sorority row.

All right, Sharpe and Parker,
you may go.

[suspenseful music]

My throat's closing Joel.

I don't like this, it's scary.

It's ok.

I can't take it!

This is a sinus headache.

Hey you guys, I think it's

Coppolla's espresso machine!

Uhh, uhhn.

I have no idea where I am,

but am I trying to do, I'm a
mummy for crying out loud!

I can't watch this anymore Joel.

I can't take it, it's
too terrifying!

Police should be
brought in on this.

Absolutely not, now come on,

this is an internal affair.

We don't need 'em.

You're over-reacting, Doug.

That mummy could be dangerous!

There is something on
the wrappings--

We need to close the beaches.

There's already a boy in
the hospital--

And I gotta hit a
home run for him!

Could end up the same way.

If that's so, whoever's
taken the mummy

is going to end up in the
hospital sooner or later.

And then I'll nab 'em.

And nobody has to know about it,
not the police,

not the press.

And certainly not the audience.

Fine.

I'd better find that mummy
before someone else gets hurt.

I'm going to find more leather
to put on my jacket.

[whimpering] No, I
can't take anymore.

- Come on. - It's scary!

It's not that bad, look, sit up,
stand up--

Phil, it's been, uwah!

Boiler room system abort!

Oh, huh.

Wally Shawn?

I pity the dirt that
gets in my way.

[ominous music]

[whimpering]

Kinda spooky.

Huh, look at this guy.

I'd better get my biker
magazines outta here.

I'm having dinner
with Andre later.

Huh, he has been working up a
sweat, hasn't he?

Yeah, umph.

[metallic clattering]

Darn clumsy mummy.

[suspenseful music]

[humming]

Sounds kind of like John
Cage is back there.

Hey, what's going on back here?

Just eating a nutritious
breakfast, mom!

Well, there's no
emotional attachment

to me, I can die! [yells]

Ooo, there he goes.

I want you to search
the campus--

And find me a decent tie!

Find that mummy!

Sounds like an Abbott and
Castelo movie.

Hey, scrubbing bubbles!

[chortling]

The nucleus is unstable.

The chromosomal pattern
is mystifying--

And I'm totally bonkers.

...at a rate so fast I can
hardly measure it.

And I still haven't
found out how many

licks it takes to get to
the tootsie center.

[phone ringing]

Yes?

Ah, do you have Prince
Albert in a can?

We'll be right there.

Yes, whatever it is, it's
highly dermotropic.

It breaks down tissues--

That's quite a reunion.

[beatboxing]

Pete, Link, Julie.

- Provided it has enough food.
- I'll take it.

Any organic tissue.

In this case, human flesh.

Oh, not that old trick!

[laughing]

Bad movie, you're soaking in it.

Am I dying?

I'm sorry I screwed
up your show.

It's okay--

I get paid anyway.

You were upstaged by the
disappearing act anyway.

When you find that guy--

Kill him!

I want to be the first
one that knows.

- You got it. -
Unless you're dead.

Mind if I take a look
at that hand?

Sure, doc.

Why don't you slip
outta that robe.

Sure I'd, wait, it's my
hand that hurts!

[dramatic music]

It's a honey-glazed hand!

[MST3K theme music]

[ominous music]

Hey, it's Murray the cop.

Which one. Herb Edelman
or Al Molinaro?

Jeez, I gotta pick up in here.

Darn kids.

We'll phone this in.

Hello, Winchell's?

Send a policeman over, pronto.

Dr. Serrano, this is
Captain Willoughby.

Yeah, look, I'm in the
electrical supply room--

And I'm naked.

President Rossmor told
me to call you

if I saw anything suspicious.

Well, I haven't, so goodbye!

[Woman]: ...taking your
requests tonight.

So give me a call at 662-8200.

And now, to Brian from Sheila

and to Kristy from all the
guys at Delta Psi.

Here's the Banana Boat song,

by a guy I like to call dad.

Hey she's got a close and play.

[slow crooning music]

So this is where you hide out

when you're not taking
my picture, huh?

Cheapest run on campus, right
next to the reactor.

And she's funny too.

[laughing]

- Hi, I'm Jamie
Renolyds-- - And so am I.

[groaning]

This is Twins edition
of Two on One--

Is not much fun.

Today at the California
Institute of the Sciences they

held a press conference to show
off their new mummy.

But when they opened the coffin,
guess what?

It wasn't a mummy, it
was a daddy?

[groans] Boos, freebie.

It wasn't anything, the
coffin was empty.

Told ya Heraldo.

[groans] I gotta get cable.

Whatever it was, it
was too much.

Jamie, I think the Institute
is in grave trouble.

[laughing]

Kill him.

It all started this morning when
Wendell J. Rossmore

of the Institute called a
press conference

to show the world their find.

It's worth over a 100 bucks.

I could let you have it for say,
50.

Where am I gonna get 50 bucks?

Come one Greg, I know you
got paid today.

Just imagine what
Ellen's gonna think

when you walk in with a
present like that.

Yeah, she's gonna think
you're a dork, Greg.

Huh, huh, shiny, who's Ellen?

[upbeat music]

Well all right, I've
got Hard Bodies

and Mannequin Two.

Starsky and Hutch, the
lost episodes

on USA Network.

[beatboxing]

Name your restaurant, baby.

Sizzler! [giggles]

So, tell me seriously,
what do you think

of the critique of Pure Reason,
doll face?

Huh, they're eating at Aunt B's.

Yeah hah, and now
eat your bread.

Excuse me, Sherri, I'll
be right back.

I gotta go shake hands
with a millionaire.

Brother Sharpe--

Robert Shaw?

Yes, especially in this
outrageously
expensive restaurant

with nine different
kinds of forks.

Yeah, huh, Teddies, it's a big
thing around here.

Hard to figure, brother Volgel--

They're monks?

Since he owes us 25
bucks apiece.

Hey look, come on, I need that!

I just ordered the food.

It's okay, we'll pay for it.

We'll eat it too.

Look, I'm here with Sherri--

Belafonte-Harper!

She's in this movie, too.

Listen, I know we can
share the food,

but listen, we have to
flip for the lady.

Tails who's prob--

Boo! [hisses]

How would you guys like to
double your money?

[dramatic music]

Quasar!

By Motorola.

Hm? What?

This yam is trying to
tell me something.

Um, I never had to use a knife
and a fork before.

Mork calling Orson, Mork
calling Orson.

[whimpering]

Come on, sit down.

[crying]

Come on back here, get over here
come on, both of ya.

Come on, get over here,
sit down.

Come here, you.

Yeah, you give that to a girl,
she'll never forget you.

Yeah, wow.

Okay, it's a deal.

- Ah! - No, it's scary!

[whimpering]

Hey baby.

'Sup.

Shh, don't wake the baby--

I thought you were the baby.

We have to be really quiet,
come on.

She has a certain Susan
Saint James quality.

Here kid, here's a belly
chain for you, enjoy.

[slow pop music]

Hey, I didn't know you
liked BJ Thomas.

Not until midnight.

Ah, so we've got five minutes.

It's the hand that rocks the
cradle down there.

Spotlight on make-out.

[ominous music]

Neat radio, ball and
chain by Panasonic.

Now a special message for those
naughty boys and girls

who took the Institute's mummy,
here's my in-studio guest,

our own Professor
Douglas McCadden.

Wow, hot show.

Thank you very much, Linda.

To who it may concern--

Give it back! Give it back!

You sons of...

The mummy's wrappings is
extremely dangerous.

If you have come into
contact with it,

please, seek medical
attention at once.

We've come into contact.

Wow, this is really getting

them in the mood, you know, wow.

Call the police, or
the Institute,

or even this radio station.

Horton Hears a Who.

[baby chattering]

Ricky Shroeder, no!

He sure can play young.

Jim Henson's baby babies.

Ooo, it's like an escape act,
that's what it's sorta--

They're telling secrets.

Meanwhile, in Friday the 13th.

Now listen, I'm gonna break
outta here, see.

Nobody's gonna stop me.

[suspenseful music]

Be scared, be very a-scared.

Want to know what happens?

Well, first you put the
record on and then...

[whirring]

Are you my daddy?

[buzzing]

I thought I lost it
there for a minute,

guess it must've fallen out of
my pocket into the baby's crib.

He sure liked it.

I hope you do too.

Greg, it's beautiful.

It wasn't glowing like that
when I bought it.

Oh, it's so warm.

Like me.

[dramatic music]

[whirring]

[baby crying]

Oh, I love baby talk.

That was fast.

Damn.

Can't you let the kid cry?

He wants his doll.

Such a baby!

What do I look like,
the babysitter?

Oh, I am.

[suspenseful music]

Don't tell mom, the
babysitter's hot.

Ah! An asparagus monster!

That necklace didn't have a
very good clasp.

Now she's a wallflower!

[snorting laugh]

[whimpering] At least
it's outdoors.

[electronic beeping]

A fish finder in a hospital?

Can you treat her?

Like a lady.

Lieutenant Plummer, I
believe you know

our pathologist, Ken Melrose.

He'll touch anything.

And this is Professor
Douglas McCadden--

Oh hi!

I brought Lieutenant Plummer up
to date on everything.

Doctor, what about Ellen?

Well I'm consulting by phone
with Dr. Cunningham--

Richard Cunningham, I'm
sure I know him.

Oh? You expecting an epidemic?

No, but if anyone knows
anything about unusual

disorders it's Atlanta.

Ouch. Let's get outta here.

You ready to go?

Sure. Carry me.

I understand there was a
witness to this accident

involving the girl.

Yeah, her boyfriend,
Greg Hauser,

he's here in the hospital now.

[MST3K theme music]

[nonsensical singing]

Joel, you're terribly alone.

You're in your high
school boiler room.

[whooshing]

Really? What am I doing here?

It's a haunted boiler room with
a real scary janitor.

A lot of kids have just
disappeared down there.

What am I doing here?

Oh you're just a real dumb kid,
remember?

Oh, okay, gotcha.

Uh, that will be 25 cents, Joel!

25 cents, what for?

A quarter, or were you going to
go somewhere else tonight?

Oh no, okay, all right, okay.

[clinking]

Joel, are you ready for terror?

Yeah, ready.

But remember I don't
scare very easily.

[whooshing]

[yelling]

[laughing]

Just ignore those bats brushing
against your face.

What, ah!

There aren't any bats brushing.

No, believe me, they're
coming very close.

First, feel the eyeballs of
all the weird kids

from Mrs. Reemie's Spanish club.

[moaning]

Awuh, ick, this is disgusting.

Ah, it's so icky.

We know, we know, now try
the next bowl!

The next bowl.

[moaning]

Ah! A lil lil lil little...

It's the guts of Mr. Sodrbeck
from third hour driver's ed.

But what follows is even
more horrifying!

Do you dare to go on?

Sure.

Another quarter please.

Yup, 25 cents.

Okay, okay.

[moaning]

Ugh, what is that?

It's gruesome worms of hate.

It feels like spaghetti.

Oh, but it's gruesome
spaghetti of hate cooked

in blood and entrails in a nice
pesto cream sauce!

Ah! Ugh.

It's very nice
[slurping] num num num.

Well I have to admit you
guys have done

a really excellent job so far.

Feel free to give.

Community chest and all, just a
few dozen quarters.

Please move along. [clattering]

Now for scariness beyond
comprehension.

All right.

Don't be caught off guard.

The brain of a big ninth grader,
Greg Snyder!

Wow, that is really authentic.

You guys have really
done a great job,

I can't say enough about it.

Wow, for that one I guess so,
that is pretty good.

What did you use anyway?

Oh we couldn't find
anything very good

so we used a real brain.

Ah! A real brain!

Yup, a brain, a real brain.

Human brain. Pretty
simple really.

Well you know what?

I forgot to mention that I,

love real brain!

[yelling]

[blaring buzzer]

[shouting]

[rumbling]

[whooshing]

[creaking]

Did I scare you?

Yeah, I wasn't scared.

Whose face, Greg?

Whose face was it?

[mumbling]

I had jello today.

I just saw Blansky's beauties.

I think I'd better take him
under observation

for a few hours. Greg,
come with me.

I had jello--

Yup, we know, we know you
had jello today.

But it had fruit in it.

Yeah, that's great, let's go
get your medicine.

That's Michael Goldstein--

♪ Michael Goldstein,
Michael Goldstein,

what a beautiful name ♪

Yeah, it looks like Richie
Cunningham's bedroom.

[dramatic music]

Guess he can't read.

Wow! VCRs, lap-- oh.

Ooo, donuts, mmm.

No, it's that thing again!

That thing that's been driving
the plot to nowhere.

[electronic beeping]

It's Intellivision,
intelligent television.

Ooo, it's the
Michelangelo virus.

Looks like the computer
generated plaid.

You know only dogs can see that,
it's true.

Stalagmites, stalactites,
stalagmites.

I get that right?

I have no idea what's going on.

[whimpering]

No more green spikes and things!

Just stay here, close your eyes.

If you had 'em you
could close 'em.

Look at me now, here
is [mumbling]

Ah! It's moving, it's moving!

No please, this is scary!

You guys, there's nothing
to be afraid of,

it's just this old house, okay?

Oh.

[ominous music]

No, no!

Hm? Nothing.

[mechanical whirling]

That's a Curly alarm,
whoop whoop whoop.

Oh he's playing one of
those travel games.

Moto-rummy?

Yeah, daylight comes and you
want to go home,

right, you get it?

Yeah. He needs a haircut.

[phones ringing]

What the heck is going on,
where is this?

Face it people, the
mall is closed.

[electronic whirling]

All right, for today's crazy
call, we're gonna call

Ben Murphy and tell him we've
got a good part for him.

[laughing]

In Heaven there is no beer,

that's why we drink... Huh,
what the?

Hello, Mr. Simpson, you've got
two weeks to live.

Dr. Hayworth wants to try a
surgical laser--

Just for fun.

Just as soon as they make sure

there aren't any broken bones.

I took a look at these
X-rays you sent me.

They're real sexy.

You were right, its chemical
structure is abnormal.

Extended clavicle,
oversized sternum,

displaced mastoid--

Speaking of oversized sternum.

Oh stop!

Ken, I want you to
listen to this,

I think I'm on to something.

Okay, Rotary Hills Hair
Clippers, what do you think?

The scroll.

It basically tells a story of
King Tutankhamen's soldiers

discovering a stranger
in the desert.

Uhuh, uhuh.

Because of his
unusual appearance--

He's totally off script.

Except to advise their
own god-king.

Okay, now dig this one.

King Tut goes forth to
greet this deity,

whom he calls Ankh-Venharis.

Oh, this is one of those
bot fairytales.

Well this is a lot more
interesting than the movie.

All-knowing Tutankhamen
reached out to touch

the weary traveller and
was sorely burned

and afflicted with a disease
that consumed his flesh.

Page two.

Likewise for all servants who
laid soothing hands--

Hey hey hey, I'm reading here!

This is my pitch.

All died, save only the strange
traveller himself,

who lay near death and
without strength--

[loud snoring]

So they simply sealed him alive
according to that stone.

Along with all the
afflicted servants.

And? The moral of the story is?

Are you suggesting
that our fungus--

Is among us?

Is the same disease that killed
Tut and his servants?

And it's been dormant
for 3,000 years,

and now it's not?

No, haven't you been listening?

Just suppose--

Moses supposes his
toes were roses.

We'd have to figure out how it
was stimulated out

of dormancy, then we might
know how to stop it.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I hadn't thought of that.

It's an unbelievable concept--

But it just might work!

[loud thud]

Dammit--

I hate Evans and Novak!

We look ridiculous, we were
seen on every channel.

You shouldn't have
worn that dress.

Look at this, where is my mummy?

A fraternity party
Saturday night.

Please wear costumes,
that's all we need.

Laurant, will you put
that down please.

Caution, snow angels
in progress.

Ooo, look at his hand!

Needs Porcelana.

Let's see, the total is 3.50,
go ahead.

Your onion chips will be up in
just a minute, thank you.

[dramatic music]

[electronic beeping]

Oh, that proved a lot.

Yeah.

You know there's some
cool stuff in here,

I gotta get down
here more often.

Now, it's lunchtime.

Ugh, liver.

Stuffing instead of potatoes?

[quiet clicking]

Eh, two scoops of
raisins my ass.

They're moving.

Ugh. Chocolatey cocao wheats.

I hate those.

We just invented
shake-a-pudding.

[suspenseful music]

She's pasting up nicely.

Give me Dr. Hayworth.

It's an emergency, get
ahold of her!

♪ Do do do do, Dr. Hayworth, Dr.
Hayworth

Do not X-ray Ellen Winters!

Doodle-ly doodle-ly
doodle-ly doo.

Time to X-ray Ellen Winters.

[screaming]

She's not very calm for a nurse.

Nah, nice scream though.

No, she can't stand the
sight of pudding.

Huh, oh get that.

You gotta get used to that.

Ew, Carrie isn't very.

Would you hem those things?

Hi Susie! Hi Stanley.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Not right now, okay, I'm
really in a rush.

Well, what is it?

Are you still going out with
Professor McCadden?

I don't think that's any of your
business, Stanley.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've
got a very busy schedule.

I've got a date with
Professor McCadden.

This conversation hasn't gone
as I hoped it would.

Here, take this.

I can't take this.

Take this, think of me, maybe
I'll see you sometime.

Stanley!

You wanna help me do
things right?

[slow music]

We now leave medical
center to join

Trapper John, already
in progress.

Nice he lives so close by.

Gee, it gets dark fast.

Oh it's a CBS mystery movie!

There wasn't a CBS
mystery movie.

I know, but you won't let us
say NBC [mumbles]

Let's get outta here.

[shuffling footsteps]

Let's get donuts.

Oh come on Joel, I don't
want to be the dead

bird in your guest bed, but
that's really a hackneyed joke.

No, I just mean that cops
eat donuts a lot.

No, it's just hack, Joel.

Well it's just
something I noticed,

kinda observational.

It's cheap. Stop it.

Donuts.

Maybe if they turned on a light.

[suspenseful music]

Hey Steve, there's a string
section down here.

And George Winston's with them.

Yeuch.

Nothing but a damn door.

Willard, no!

Tear 'em up!

[squeaking muttering]

It's the fungus.

Among us.

[laughing]

[rumbling]

We almost saw it.

Haha haha, the mummy walks!

Stop it Peter!

Ew, gross.

Mummy needs love,
mummy been in box.

Well that's why they hate him,

the mummy's a jerk.

Yeah.

Hey, look, man, I, I, I, I
was only kidding.

Uh huh. So. Well.

Hi Jack, how do I look?

Cheap, why?

Come on.

As Cleopatra would say,

See ya later guys.

No, I think she'd say,

why don't you cover
those things, gee?

So, dinner?

Why can't you dress like that,
honey?

Did he hurt you?

Did he make you mean-mad?

No I'm all right.

Thanks for being there.

Uh-oh.

Seems it's stuck in the
braces again, tsk tsk.

[mumbling]

Hah ha! Ha ha!

[laughing]

Conehead!

What a dope.

Peter, grow up, just grow up!

I swear you are such a
dork sometimes.

Gross.

Stiller and Meara, ladies
and gentlemen!

Oh, he's at the airport.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

Hey, it's Adnan Khashoggi.

I'm Cleopatra!

Queen of da Nile.

Great stuff, huh?

Wayne Gretzky, what are
you doing here?

Hey did you guys hear about
the girl who got lost

in King Tut's tomb?

Nine months later she
was a mummy!

Stick to hockey, Wayne!

Tough crowd, yeah, yeah.

[spooky music]

Look out for that tree.

Whoa, duck!

Yeah, I feel like I'm in a
beer commercial.

Hey Peter, I thought you were
going to wear a costume.

That's funny, 'cause you see,

he is wearing a costume,

that's the humor. [snorting]

[mumbles] on those things?

[laughing]

Excuse us, Tom.

Wow, still on first base.

Not this crap!

Now listen, you pervert!

If you don't disappear I'm gonna
kick your bandaged butt.

Ooo, I'm shaking, I'm shaking,
ooo.

Some chicken frat rat.

Looks like that
sculpture by Rodeo.

Oh, the monster?

No, the sculptor who married
Camille Claudel.

The sculptor?

No, the monster.

Oh.

[upbeat music]

Uh oh. Tsk tsk.

They T.P.'d her.

Meanwhile, at the
Kennedy compound.

This music is by the
producer's brother-in-law.

[beatboxing]

♪ Hey hey, we're the mummies

♪ People say we mummy around

Hey come on, use a beer bong!

- Come on. - Ugh.

They're spending $8,000 a
year for this?

Yep, but to them it's
not tuition,

it's a cover charge.

Oh boy.

No, not the dog!

No, no, no!

This woman sprained
her whole body.

I guess so. Yeuck.

Hey, nice snake.

Thank you, I just threw it on.

Have you seen Sarah?

I've got a present for her.

No, I think she's outside.

Puking her guts out.

Is that a contoured sheet?

It is now.

Sarah?

This is Abraham, hath
thou seen Isaac?

Sarah!

They haven't progressed
in the least.

Sarah, is that you?

No, she's not Sarah!

And I sure as hell ain't!

You just want to get lost?

Who dresses you, John Fogerty?

Eat at Joe's.

Eat at Joe's.

[crickets chirping]

- Sarah. - Jockman.

- Bill! - Keen!

- Jeff! - Altman!

Ready, Sarah?

Hey Sarah, what is going on?

Sorry buddy, this is
only a two-seater.

Hey Sarah, what happened?

Well figure it out, you
look like B. Arthur.

[mumbles] that's it, I'm
through with women.

I'm going to be a priest.

Oh a priest, we love priests.

Forgive me Father for
I have sinned.

Or I'm about to, haha.

Be right back.

Yeah I need a new gown.

And this will
complete my ensemble.

[heavy breathing]

Uh oh.

Hey!

Hey, the flying nun.

Ripped it, flied one off
center field wall,

that'll be extra bases.

It's yours, you can keep it.

[soft whirring]

Buy 'em, trade 'em,
collect 'em all.

And the winner is Gucci guy,
huh.

[radio static]

Aw, it's an orange-out.

I've got to go over to my office
and check this out.

Can I come along?

No, no, I'll be right back,
really.

I just wanna see if there was
some sort of power drain.

And I gotta find the
buttons for my shirt.

Be careful.

Lock the door, keep it locked.

Don't let a good boy go bad.

[electronic beeping]

Looks like Tron.

[nonsensical singing]

Here at DeVry you can
work on computers

from 1978.

[blaring alarm]

Would you like to play a game?

Well, you see, the last
time we had a power

drain like this it was back in
this really dark corner,

back here...

Nice Mack Davis outfit.

Yeah, he's going to stop and
smell the boilers.

[laughing]

Baby, Imma want you.

- That was Brad. - Oh, sorry.

Uh, 1-Adam-12, see the curler.

Uh, corner of Fifth and Maple.

Was on the wall, right there.

So whoever stole the mummy
must've stashed 'em in here.

Ah, look who's here.

Coming to change a lightbulb,
partner?

No, actually, I came to
blow up the reactor.

Huh, sarcasm, huh?

[crickets chirping]

[party raging]

What?

Ah, it's the original
Broadway cast of Pippin.

♪ Let the sunshine

Let the da da-- ♪

Yeah, give me a head with hair.

Nobody respects a man
who dresses nice.

[crickets chirping]

Hey, you need any help?

Yeah, teach me how to get girls.

Ah, geez, this is the
third pop star

I've found to date.

[hooting yells]

[loud laughing]

Bill?

♪ I've got the
wedding bell blues

Do-doot do do ♪

He's dead.

[MST3K theme music]

[crowd muttering]

- Ah, Professor. - Yes, Nanny?

Thought you might be
interested in this.

No, not really.

What happened?

Well, you were in Alien
Smith and Jones,

then you were outta
work for awhile.

And now you're here, go figure.

It's definitely from the
mummy's wrappings.

Looks like somebody's
playing a very sick--

Stay away from the green stuff

if there's any on it, it's
very dangerous.

And stay away from the red acid.

I don't think the
fungus killed him.

All right, what did?

Twas beauty killed the geek.

Impossible.

What?

It looks like every bone in that
boy's body is broken.

There's not a mark on him.

We figure he hit that wall
with incredible force.

Well Jack Parker's
pretty strong.

Nobody's that strong.

Oh yeah? My dad is.

Tonight on the USA Network,

Swamp Thing versus the
Honeymooners.

[humming]

Oh you're not bringing that
evil in here, oh!

To the moon.

I know you, Rossmore, and this
isn't the first time

you've tried to cover
something up

because you don't wanna smell
bad in the press.

I beg your pardon, Lieutenant,
you're addressing

the president of an
accredited university.

Don't interfere with this
investigation.

Don't withhold information.

And don't wash a red towel
in a white load!

What about the mummy?

Well, you look for your mummy,
Doctor.

And I'll look for mine.

I'm looking for a murderer.

Susie and I have been
researching--

Dolly's last supper.

First of all I want to warn you,

it's going to sound
very unbelievable,

but please, just bear with me.

I know it can't be proved--

But I'm Patty Paige.

But this fungus, I
think we all agree,

it's like nothing else we've
ever encountered.

I'd have to agree with that.

It's like tofutti, only better.

That was because it didn't
come from Earth.

Where else would it
have come from?

Oh, water, fire, air.

You said he wasn't a
normal human being.

Suppose he wasn't a human being.

Ah, Doug--

I said it would sound crazy.

Remember the squirrel?

Yeah, Rocky the Flying Squirrel?

Ah damn.

Became afflicted and died,
except Ankh-Venharis.

Because he was immune.

Because he wasn't human.

We all agree that we're dealing
with something unknown,

but I can't, myself, take
a quantum leap

into the supernatural.

Not in these clothes anyway.

I'm sorry Professor, but
with all due respect,

we have to have some
basis in fact.

I've got the best available
equipment at my disposal

and I've come up with
absolutely nothing.

I mean, it simply
does not exist.

Look, Doug, the bottom
line is this:

Whatever it is--

I'm against it.

Who took it and where it is now,

otherwise more people are
going to get hurt.

Thanks to McCadden we are
in deep trouble.

Two of our donors have
withdrawn their bequest.

- $500,000 out the window.
- Doh!

Maybe there's a way of turning
this whole thing around.

How, Bruce, how?

What if he stole the mummy?

- Huh? - Huh?

He wasn't ready to unveil that
mummy so he had it stolen

and hidden where he could work
on it in private.

And then, when he's ready to
find it and unveil it,

he'll find it and come
out a big hero.

No, I don't think that
scenario's going

to hold water, Bruce.

I hold water.

I do and I think I can prove it.

You don't think it's walking
around on its own, do you?

Nooo! Save me!

That's a sump pump!

Oh, geez, look over there,
it's terrible!

Oh, there's copper tubing
everywhere, oh the--

It's not easy seeing green, ooh!

Cover thine eyes.

There's something out there!

What?

It's in the hall!

It's a poorly lit point of
view shot, save me!

[screams]

Ladies and gentlemen, the
Black Moses of Soul!

Huh?

Come on Doug, wake up.

Uh, oh, wha...

Did I make you dress up like
Lucy Arnez last night?

What time is it?

You've been sleeping all day.

You must've been really tired.

Oh, you're brilliant.

Doug, look.

[ethereal music]

Oh, yeah that.

I got drunk and wood
burned my cabinet.

Where's it coming from?

My bracelet.

Hey, that's my bracelet!

Joshua light show.

That looks exactly
like the diagram

that I found inside the scroll.

It can't be a coincidence.

Susie, where'd you get
this bracelet?

Crackerjacks.

Well, it was a present from this
guy named Stanley.

We're uh, friends, heh heh.

No.

Susie, can you call him?

Now?

Yeah, honey, it's important.

That diagram and this crystal
had the same pattern,

they've gotta be related.

Gee, Ben! Put some pants on!

That's better.

I know I have or something
like it anyway.

Kinda, sorta.

Remotely vaguely.

I couldn't remember, but--

'Cause I was dizzy with lust.

I know, my brother used
to build radios

and I think he had
diagrams lying around

that looked like that.

Your brother, Marconi?

Radios.

So what you're saying is
that this film

is going directly to
radio cassette.

You know, maybe
Parker will know.

Parker Lewis can't lose.

This was in the coffin?

Yeah.

It's amazing, it looks like...

some kind of wiring schematic.

I love the velour tunic
she's wearing.

Right, but what
would it be doing

in a 3,000 year old coffin?

Did ancient astronauts carry
radios to Egypt?

- ...something to do with it?
- Your thumb?

Maybe crystals could be used
as transmitters.

Jack.

Look at this.

[ethereal music]

♪ It's Candor's shawl protector

What's going on, Doug?

There must be a connection.

If this did belong to
Ankh-Venharis,

what would he have used it for?

Oh, uh, parties?

It couldn't have been for
radios in ancient Egypt.

- Susie-- - Shut up.

I want you to go to the
astronomy center,

see what else you can find on
ancient phenomena.

But also, check out those NASA
information bulletins

on ultra-long range
communication.

And get me a pound of
goat cheese.

If you don't find anything
come right back.

But if you do find something,
stay there.

What's it printed on?

This doesn't feel like paper.

It's ancient toilet paper.

Brent Summers?

It matches no other material.

Either natural or synthetic.

Like nothing else, huh?

Like that jacket.

- Like the fungus-- - Among us.

And on Venharis.

[warped breathing]

Oh boy, here comes that
evil asthmatic.

Hey, someone painted the
Kennedy Center green.

Ooh.

[funky breathing]

♪ Make some noise you

♪ Ska--ways with some other guy

Where is everybody?

Field trip, they all went to
the Observatory.

Gee, pops, do some [mumbles]

[warped breathing]

Thank you.

[creaking]

[whooshing]

[clunking]

Oh, you guys, that was
really really good.

Yeah, thanks, Gypsy.

You were really funny out there.

Yeah, whatever.

I think I know what
these two need, hm?

Way ahead of ya.

Geez, we even bored Gypsy.

Ah, you must remember, Tom,

she has a life.

Come on, I think I know a
couple of gloomy Guses

that could use a
little cheering up.

Oh, just leave us alone.

Gypsy, ready, girl?

Roger!

All right, okay, Cambot, quick!

Queue up the sequencer for
Joel's Rainy Day funsketch.

And the Hexfield Viewscreen,

funtime Holoclowns, yay!

You can start the music, Gypsy,
come on!

[quirky circus music]

[laughing]

You won't be needing
this anymore!

It's fun [mumbles] bots!

He really is magic!

[laughing]

It's fun!

Oh, well,

that's all for fun.

You know when you take all the
really fun stuff in the world

and put it in one room, it
leaves you feeling kinda empty.

Yeah, really.

What are you looking at!?

Well, we got commercial sign.

[MST3K theme music]

[spooky music]

Hey it's the Ludlum Library,
look!

There's The Horshack Conspiracy.

There's The Forbin Conundrum.

The Slingshack Congealment.

The Migraine Containment.

The Crankshaft McNogginbee.

The Polping Po-poopoo.

The Klingla Kogluglu.

The Shreenshrack Regeengyne.

The Momaw Ma-moomoo.

The Greengreen Gagrinegagrinega.

The Lala Kalingalingaling.

The Kriskrack Krakrakra.

The Clavister Oysterette.

The Finkin Finkin.

Sheesh, look at the time,
I'm late.

[heavy breathing]

♪ Get on your heart light

Ooo, big, oh mummy, ooo ooo,
big, huge.

Bright lights, big mummy.

I'll say.

[dramatic music]

Hey, lady, I just want
my thing back.

[imitating airplane]

[beatboxing]

The Mod Squad, in lime green.

Oh come on, he's just
the hall monitor.

He wants to see your pass.

Yeah.

Susie Creamcheese,
what's got into you?

Susie, you can run
away all you like

but you'll never run away
from yourself.

Hey, the mummy's lapping you,
Susie!

Better hurry! Shake a leg!

Quick, down a completely
different hallway.

Handle. Doorknob.

Sportswear please!

[labored breathing]

[beatboxing]

Shaft, elevator shaft.

[screaming]

Ah! Don't do that!

[muffled screaming]

[bell ringing]

School's out!

Forever.

Jan Brady like you've never
seen her before

Calvin Coolidge jeans.

Oh, cool, you guys!

She's gonna do elevator surfing.

[cheering]

This is like the Dick
Van Dyke episode

where Laura got stuck in the
elevator with Dick.

So, the mummy would be the
Don Rickles part.

Oh yeah.

Help! Let me out!

Oh, don't worry, Susie.

There's not enough money in the
budget to have ya killed.

You know, if you
bang on the door

enough times, it usually opens.

Well, there goes.

Oh no, I forgot my book.
I've gotta go back.

This is the worst
library I've been in.

Really strict on fines.

Wait, so the library's on
the top floor?

I don't get it.

[labored breathing]

[dramatic music]

Look, all I want is Ben
Murphy's autograph,

I already got Peter Newell's.

- 'Cause he's... - Ouch.

Did you check out Ludlum's
Mingmang Patingtang?

Uh, Susie, dear, put the
bracelet down.

It's like a two-way mood ring.

Oh, here's your dumb bracelet.

[crying]

Ah, for crying out loud,
wait a minute,

I'll do it, come on.

Hey, are we really small
all the sudden?

♪ You can tell by the way
we use our walk

♪ We're a woman's man,
no time to talk

Um, ah. Look.

Maybe we should have
coffee somewhere?

Really old coffee.

Doh, it's...!

Look, I think you're
just getting

sort of wrapped up in yourself.

She's going back into the
library again, excellent.

♪ Boring, boring

♪ Really really really boring

♪ Boring really
really boring music

Not the deep end, Susie!

[dramatic music]

Uh oh.

[screaming]

Well, here's Susie Louganis
off the 10 meter.

Whelp, looks like a gainer.

Oh, she missed the pool

and that will affect her score.

Ouch.

And thus, the classic library
chase scene comes to a close.

And the next thing I remember
is waking up here.

You are one lucky mama-jama.

Okay, I appreciate you answering

these questions, Miss Fuller--

But you still get to see my ass.

Anything else, give me a call,
okay?

Lieutenant Plummer,
you don't really

still believe this is a
fraternity joke, do you?

Ah, you got a little
jelly on ya.

No, I think this is a very
sick individual.

But Lieutenant, it's--

Try to get some sleep now, okay?

[ominous music]

You know, why doesn't he
save himself a trip

and get like two at a time?

Oh, a triple word score.

THX.

Oh, she's back.

Eh. Her.

[alarm blaring]

Poot man.

[car alarms honking]

Honk if you hate this film.

Cars across America.

Well, at least she gets a
lot of visitors.

Yeah, nice folks.

I'm not the hysterical type,
but it was him.

It was Ankh-Venharis.

Aw, that's great honey.

Could we get her a sedative?

He's alive, he didn't
want to hurt me,

he just wanted my bracelet.

So I guess all that running
was kinda dumb.

It was glowing and he
had a crystal

just like it in his chest.

Nice, that's great.

Nurse! Nurse!

Jewelry, some kind of necklace?

Yeah, so was Bill Vogler,
according to the coroner.

Susie, do you know if there's
any more of those crystals?

Yeah, at Sherlam Cleat's house.

I'm going back to my office

and check out that
schematic again.

Go ahead, it's okay.

You can check out the
schematic thing,

I don't care.

[dramatic music]

Bzzt, bzzt, that was a
high-voltage kit.

Well let's see, while
you were out,

the schematic thing called.

[rumbling]

[alarm blaring]

[cord sparking]

Oh for cry-- How many times

is that computer
going to do that?

It's really annoying.

Do do do, shut up.

He was here.

Mummy scat.

[paper rustling]

It's my headshot.

Hey, nice skull.

How did these get here?

One, two, three, four, five--

Six seven eight nine ten.

Crystals?

Sharpe.

[electronic buzzing]

He's an AV geek all right.

[door clattering]

Hey!

Where'd you get those crystals?

What crystals?

Flavor crystals!

I got them at the swap meet.

Sharpe, don't lie to me.

What about these?

Nice skull, but--

Ellen Winters and Bill
Vogler are dead.

Because of those crystals.

And Susie Fuller's in
the hospital.

'Cause of those crystals.

Could I go back to my game?

I was up to the third
level of Metroid.

I didn't mean for
anyone to get hurt.

I just don't want to look

like Jackson Brown anymore.

Where are the rest of 'em?

There's one in my top
drawer there.

But don't touch my underwear.

I gave the other one to
my girlfriend.

Sherri?

Yeah.

Oh my god, she's
Jenny's roommate.

[MST3K theme music]

[ominous music]

Hot child in the city, mmm.

[hinges creaking]

[water running]

Could you please turn on a fan,

I can't be exposed to moisture.

♪ Oh the shower's not clogged
by water 'cause--

Huh?

Hey, I'm in here!

No, not the Mr. Bubble.

Oh. Um, help.

Please not the shower massage,
oohh.

[mumbled singing]

Hey, dye gel, you can't
get that anymore!

He flushed.

This is Professor McCadden.

Get your camera and come over to
the reactor buildings.

Then go down to the shower

and take a picture of
my girlfriend.

- Jane? - His wife.

Jane!

[trickling water]

Did he touch you?

No.

Hey, hey, the leather,
the leather!

[labored breathing]

[mechanical humming]

You know I've got the
weirdest feeling

someone's touching a
girl right now.

Fella sure could get used
to this, you know.

Big country here.

Nice and-- huh? [harp pinging]

Hey, there's a harp back there!

I am the great and powerful Oz!

Pay no attention to the man
behind the boiler!

Let's see, it's Friday, have a
look at the menu.

I'll have a fish sandwich, and,
um...

[dramatic music]

♪ Boring incidental music

[whistling] ♪ Incidental

♪ Boring incidental music

♪ Boring boring incidental music

♪ Incidental

Thank you, Douglas.

[gasping]

What are you guys doing here?

We're staging a hat party and
everybody's invited.

Proving my theory. I knew all
along that you'd taken

that mummy and now I know
where you've hidden it.

What?

Oh, come off it, Professor.

Don't you realize what has
been going on here?

Yes, as a matter of fact,

you've been getting
away with murder.

Well, the game is over.

And as soon as I call
Lieutenant Plummer,

you'll be on your way to jail

and I'll have what I deserve.

Welcome to the
enunciation seminar.

[frightening music]

Uh-oh, him.

He's making a left hand turn.

Uh, you'll have to sign in
at the front desk,

it's around the other side
of the building.

Um, sir, sir!

They can't run?

This guy walks slower than
Miss Jane Pittman.

The crime of Miss Jane Pittman.

Hey man, you don't wanna be
doing that, man.

The man wants ya to do that,
man.

Uh, I'll just be
going over here.

Say...

It's just Dave Lennox, you know,

he's there to change the filter.

Oh, well then.

My move, that one goes there,
idiot.

[ethereal humming]

Ladies and gentlemen, Shari
Belafonte-Harper!

[beatboxing]

Ford, beam up.

Someone's got their finger
in a DX-7 here.

Smile! Say mummy meat!

[muffled muttering]

Who is humming!?

'Kay, we're all gonna
join hands now,

and try to contact the script.

Ooh....

[fuzzy whooshing]

[muffled muttering]

It's a Fremen.

He's got an electric
dance belt on, ew.

Wasn't Robert Redford in that?

Electric dance belt?

Those are some styling trousers.

Uh-huh.

[buzzing]

Well, gotta go now, huh huh,
buh-bye.

My god, I'm never going to do a
feature film again!

You know, I recall reading
a Video Watchdog,

that this sequence set the
film $50 over budget.

Ta-da!

Yeah? And?

Turns out the mummy's a lame

styrofoam headed alien.

Who'd a thunk?

[dying warping whoosh]

Shoot it!

Shoot it down, shoot to kill.

No!

What the hell are you
shooting over there for?

He's across the room.

Oopsie.

Folks, I apologize, I
had no contro.

over the content of this film.

[peaceful music]

Communion with Lee Streeburg.

Did ancient astronauts wear
Lee press-on nails?

See, we just gotta
work together!

[mumbles] power, yay!

[static buzzing]

Hey, that's a shame. He
had tenure too.

Sad, really.

Nope, midterm tomorrow.

[dramatic music]

The crystal!

Crystal Gail!

[dramatic music]

Big mistake.

[yelling]

You're not supposed to
melt your hand.

Can't look at him when
he's like that.

Hate that.

The craw.

[synthesizer music] ♪
This movie sucks

♪ This movie sucks

♪ This movie sucks

Well, I dunno.

You know, I think this is

the worst movie we've
ever seen here.

What about Robot vs.
the Aztec Mummy?

Worse, worse.

What about Side Hackers?

Worse.

- Cave Dwellers? - Worse.

- Catalina Caper? - Worse.

- Pod People? - Worse.

- Hellcats? - Worse.

- Daddy-O? - Worse!

- Rocket Attack USA? - Worse.

Earth vs. the Spider?

Definitely worse!

- Ring of Terror? - Worse.

It Conquered the World?

Uh, yeah, worse!

- Lost Continent? - Worse.

- Moon Zero Two? - Oh, worse!

Women of the Prehistoric Planet?

Worse, worse.

- Time of the Apes? - Worse.

- Wild Rebels? - Worse.

- Stranded in Space? - Worse.

- King Dinosaur? - Worse.

- Mighty Jack? - Worse.

- Rocketship X-M? - Worse.

Santa Claus Conquers
the Martians?

Worse!

- The Unearthly? - Worse!

- Teenage Caveman? - Oh, worse!

First Spaceship on Venus?

Oh, worse, worse!

- Space Travelers? - Much worse!

Giant Gila Monster?

Oh, a lot worse!

The Manchingo Coniglium?

Oh, huh?

Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space

was much, much better!

It's a ton worse.

- City Limits? - Worse.

War of the Colossal Beast?

Worse.

- Amazing Colossal Man? - Worse.

Fugitive Alien? Worse.

- Fugitive Alien 2? - Worse.

- Uhh, Master Ninja? - Worse.

Oh, really? Gamera?

Worse, worse, worse, worse.

Mmmm, Godzilla vs. Sea Monster?

Worse, worse, worse, worse,
worse.

- Gamera vs. Zigra? - Worse,
worse.

vs. Baragon?

Worse, worse, worse, worse,
worse.

Gamera vs. Guiron?

Worse, worse, worse.

How about The Castle
of Fu Manchu!

Okay, I'll grant you
Castle of Fu Manchu

was just as bad,

but we've never done
a worse film!

Okay, we gotta go, come on.

Sorry to leave.

[synthesizer music]

[creaking]

[whooshing]

[clunking]

Hey, welcome back to TVSFSN,

the TV's Frank Shopping Network.

Dedicated to only stuff Frank,

TV's Frank would really love.

That's right, Joel, and hey,
for the next hour

we've got a special value based
on that toxic waste

dump of a movie we were just
forced to watch, haha.

Crow, tell 'em all about it.

Heh, sure thing, Tom!

It's a V-shaped
diamond encrusted

mummy communicator type thing

that we like to call the uh,
the--

V-Shaped Diamond Encrusted

Mummy Communicator Type Thing.

Right and I know it's
the type of thing

that TV's Frank would
absolutely love.

There's a million and one uses.

You could use it as a
conversation starter,

put it on a knick-knack shelf,

you could use these little gems
to button your coat,

you could freeze 'em and
put 'em in drinks

to keep them cold and reuse
'em a lot or, um...

Put them on a high powered saw

and cut through a lot of
layers of Earth.

There's just really a lot of
uses, for this thing.

I'd say there's a million
and one uses, Joel.

- Yeah. - Hey, let's
see who we've got

on the line here at TV's Frank
Shopping Network.

Hello there?

[Frank]: Hi everyone. It's me,
TV's Frank!

Hey Frank!

I know you're going to want this
item as soon as possible.

And the most convenient way to
get it is by pushing

the button that says bring down
the Satellite of Love.

Oh, you know I told you
guys time and again

that Dr. Forrester won't let
me push that button.

Hey, but think of the
convenience,

haven't you enjoyed the other
items you've ordered from us?

Oh my, yes.

You know, ever since I got that
Craftmatic adjustable bed,

I spend all my time kissing!

Kissing?

Yes, kissing my lower
back pains goodbye!

[laughing]

Kill him.

I've gotten so much enjoyment

outta all the products I've
bought from you.

Ever since I got that yogurt
maker and the deal-a-meal

cards and all the other
wonderful fine products

you nice people sold me,

I've received many compliments
on how slim I look.

You know I get kinda
lonely sometimes

and the hours I spend
watching and chatting

with you guys are some of my
most cherished memories--

Uh, that's great Frank.

Look, if you order
this item now,

and you order it using your
handy convenient

bring down the Satellite
of Love button,

we'll throw in, at no
extra charge,

this wonderful letter
from a viewer.

Oh, what great fun!

Let's put that up on stillstore,
Cambot.

And there's a Polaroid picture.

So this is from a guy
named Josh King.

And it's set up in the format
of a Doer's profile.

Like father, like son.

Think about it, won't you?

Age probably 13 by the
time you get this.

Birthday April 25th.

Member number for the
information club, 10375.

Date when I watched first
MST3K episode,

August 24th, 1991.

Name of the first episode, It
Conquered the World.

Very good.

Number of episodes seen by me,

- 38. - Wow.

Holy cow, how about that.

- That is heavy. - Very good.

Thanks Josh! Thanks a lot, Josh.

And say, Frank,

tell ya what we're gonna do.

Because you've been such
a good customer,

hey, we're going to let you have
the V-Shaped Diamond

Encrusted Mummy
Communicator Type Thing,

the letter from the viewer
complete with handsome Polaroid,

a frozen vegetarian potato
and chim entree,

and the snake mask, Mrs. Presky.

But you've gotta push
the bring down

the Satellite of Love button.

Oh, this is great, where is it.

Bring down Satellite
of Love button.

Frank!

I can't find my Visa
card anywhere.

Did you buy this thigh mas--

You are not bringing down the
Satellite of Love!

Abort, command, seven.

Well, at least we tried.

We tried to return to Earth

and pass the savings
onto TV's Frank.

Thigh master is now die master.

I may not have been born
with a lobotomy,

but now I can look like I was.

[loud thunk]

[MST3K ending theme song]

[horrified yelling]