Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 4 - Teenagers from Outer Space - full transcript
Joel and the Bots discover the difference between real and "reel" life, how to dispose of snacks in space, a real 'boss' visitor, and how JFK can wreck a fashion show in this episode featuring the classic "Teenagers From Outer Space".
♫ In the not too distant future
♫ Next Sunday A.D
♫ There was a guy named Joel
♫ Not too different from you or me
♫ He worked at Gizmonic
♫ Institute
♫ Just another face
♫ In a red jump suit
♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place
♫ But his bosses didn't like
him so they shot him into space
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst we can find
♫ La la la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ And we'll monitor his mind
♫ La la la
♫ Now keep in mind
♫ Joel can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end
♫ La la la
♫ Because he used those special parts
♫ To make his robot friends
♫ Robot roll call
♫ Cambot
♫ Gypsy
♫ Tom Servo
♫ Crow
♫ You're wondering how he eats and breaths
♫ And other science facts
♫ La la la
♫ Then repeat to yourself
♫ It's just a show
♫ I should really just relax
♫ Oh Mystery Science Theater
♫ 3000 ♫
(doors sliding and squeaking)
- Okay what is it?
- It's the NBC Mystery Movie.
- Uh huh.
(both moaning and vibrating)
(gasping in relief)
- Thank you sir, may I have another?
- Oh sure.
- [Tom] Wait no he...
(groaning and buzzing)
- All right, oh hi everybody welcome to
the Satellite of Love I'm Joel
Robinson these are my bots
and we're doing a little
behavior modification up here
on the old Satellite of Love.
You see every experiment we do,
if you've been watching,
these two little robots always say
- [Both] NBC The Mystery Movie.
- When they see a flashlight in the film
and every time they say...
- [Both] NBC The Mystery Movie.
- They get a mild but memorable shock.
(groaning and vibrating)
(gasping in relief)
(groaning and vibrating)
(gasping in relief)
- Hey what was that last one for?
- Oh the last one was for, you know,
you did it the first time
and then you did it again the second time.
- Oh, right, go ahead.
- Wait wait wait; did what, did what?
- Said NBC Mystery Movie.
- D'oh!
(Crow laughs hard)
- Okay all right.
- [Crow] Take a taste
- of your own medicine, Doctor.
- Come on Dr. Skinner.
(evil laugh)
- [Crow] Dark it up.
(Tom screaming and vibrating)
- I taste copper.
Well we'll be right back.
- [Gypsy] Commercial staring
- [Gypsy] in five four three
- Okay let's get working on
- [Gypsy] two and check.
- the Stoop Sisters.
- No fair I got an extra jolt.
(bouncy music)
- Hi everybody, well it
looks like Mutt and Jeff
are in charge of the
invention exchange this week
- [Both] And...
- Joel as everybody knows
except maybe you, (laugh)
that the olfactory or sense of smell
is our greatest memory enhancer.
- Yes as opposed to accent seasoning
which is a flavor enhancer.
- Quite.
So now we have created the
worlds first scratch and sniff
report card.
- Exactly so one scratch and one smell
and parents are transported
back to those painful days
of junior high.
The scratch and sniff
report card kind of helps
take the edge off of getting a bad grade.
- Too true.
On account of the smells
kind of make them remember
what school was like then, there.
(laughing)
- Well put okay, let me see. (sniffing)
Say it's true.
It smells like a habitrail,
pungent.
- Exactly.
You're in biology class, silly.
Try the next one.
- Oh, okay.
- This is my favorite.
- Ewe!
It smells like, ugh,
burning acetate in old dutch cheese curls.
- It's extracurricular activities Joel
and you're an AV geek mister. (laughing)
Oh I joined that groovy gang let's watch
a documentary on something.
- [Joel] Oh okay,
- well this next one seems simple enough,
what could really happen? (sniffing)
Ah! Smells like that stuff
they put on throw-up!
- Oh ho, very observant Joel.
Turns out Leava Smithback is allergic
to pink coconut frosting.
Hence the vomit.
- Oh, but whatever,
you know this one you're holding down here
smells really good.
- Oh well, I'm glad you found it,
this is a special report card
my partner Tom and I developed
for expensive private
academies because, Joel,
privilege has its own odor.
What do you think sirs?
- Hey I wa--
- Joel.
Grades aren't important.
It's the SAT's that count.
Well now the good doctor
and I would like to make
a prediction about the next
big trend in entertainment.
Move over comedy clubs,
move over trendy discussion salons,
move over karaoke bars,
here comes ventriloquism.
Big broad sassy and brassy.
And now
deep 13 in association with
George Slaughter Productions
would like to present the
ventriloquistic stylings
of Dr. Clayton Forester
and his lovable sidekick
Resusci-Anni. (claps)
- Hello, this is Resusci-Anni.
We've secured over 2,000
of these previously owned
CPR demonstration dolls
and retrofitted them with
ventriloquist animations
in anticipation of the ventriloquist boom
of the 90's.
And without further ado,
it's time to sit back and laugh and learn
with Resusci-Anni. (laughing)
Well say hello to the nice folks Resusci.
- Hello nice folks.
- Oh uh, Resusci I implore you to be kind
and courteous to these
well meaning and clean
people here today.
- I wanna go find some chicks.
- But Resusci, you is a chick.
I-I-I said Resusci, you is a chick.
Oop, Frank,
something's wrong.
It, this looks like the big one.
I'll revive Resusci and
tell Joel about the movie,
you, you dial 911 while drinking water.
Your film today Joel is a uh,
a little film which stars no one,
it features a giant lame lobster
and uh, oh...
Breath two three four.
It's called Teenagers From Outer Space
and it is a spunky load of noodles.
- Boy is it ever out there.
- That's an odd taste.
Send them the movie, Frank.
- [All Three] Health class?
(yelling and alarm buzzing)
- We got movie signs!
(doors sliding and squeaking)
(muttering)
- [Joel] I can't get the stink out.
Oh is he any relation to Christie Love?
- [Tom] Get David Love.
- [Crow] Ah!
- [Tom] Argh!
- [Crow] According to
Erma Bombeck all teenagers
are from outer space.
- [Tom] Enough said.
(laughing)
- [Joel] That spaceship
looks like a sun hat.
- [Tom] I think it's a
photographer's umbrella.
- [Crow] It's a giant metal falsy.
- [Joel] No it's a divo hat.
- [Tom] Oh no it's a silo tower.
- [Crow] It's Audrey Hepburn's hat
from Breakfast at Tiffany's.
- [Joel] Guys it can be
all those things and more.
- [Tom] You're right, I like Joel's plan.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- [Tom] Let's work with Joel this time.
- [Joel] And?
- [Crow] Oh the great C.R Kaltenthaler.
(all three muttering religiously)
- [Joel] Oh I'm a writer,
produce, and director
but I really want to grip.
- [Tom] Uh, hmm?
- [Crow] Run Toto run!
(humming the Witch's
Theme by Herbert Stothart)
Oh it's Won Ton Ton the
dog that saved Hollywood.
Almost.
- [Crow] Pac Man.
(imitating Pac Man noises)
- [Joel] I am the egg man, oo-koo-ka-choo.
(dog barking)
(high pitched humming)
- [Tom] Ooh, no Michael Jackson alarm.
- [Crow] Sit.
- [Joel] Looks like the elephant
man in the 25th century.
- [Crow] Ray Liotta?
- [Tom] Ever since I was a kid
I always wanted to be a spaceman.
(sung) I know I'd go from rags to riches.
- [Joel] They came all
this way to go bowling?
- [Crow] Wow really old
teenagers from outer space.
- [Joel] Boy I could sure
go for a hamburger sandwich
and some french fried potatoes.
I'm a teenager after all.
- [Crow] Welcome to Death Valley Days,
the driver is either me or...
- [Tom] But they're all wearing V-Necks,
it must be student
council from outer space.
- [Joel] You know a fella
could get used to this,
yeah.
- [Tom] Cool, they got Marshall amps.
Custom heads.
- [Crow] I travel light just a makeup bag.
When TV repairmen walked the Earth.
(humming)
- [Joel] Hey it's Harry Connick Jr.
- [Crow] You know you won't
see costuming like this
until Marc Singer does V.
- [Tom] Or Thomas Pynchon does V.
- [Joel] I will pet him and
keep him and call him George.
- [Crow] Sad really.
- [Tom] Hungry?
Stay.
(rapid beeping)
Okay whose beeper is that?
- [Crow] Now I've got every
shade for every complexion.
- [Tom] Oh I see you have
a machine that goes ping.
- [Joel] Huh?
- [Tom And Joel] What?
Oh.
- [Crow] It's a multi-channel mixer!
- [Tom] It says so.
- Report preliminary findings.
- [Joel] I've taken my pills sir.
- 42 saturation degrees and 96 volumes.
- [Crow] A beer on the wall.
- Derek reporting.
- [All] Hi Derek.
- Ratio exceeding 71.4.
- Mora reporting,
diagonal adjustment reading
resisting structural forms
by 2.8.0 vernums.
- [Voiceover] Saul reporting.
- [Tom] Dog gone. (laughing)
- [Crow] Plays dead well.
♫ Shannon is gone they say
♫ She drifted out to ♫
- [Crow] Dry as a bone huh? (chuckles)
- [Joel] Hey I think I found
the top of your thermos.
- Surface register above
minimum requirements.
(Tom makes mocking noises)
- Go below and bring up
the oh-garg-on specimen.
Now the decision depends on its reactions.
- Wait Captain.
I have found evidence of
intelligent beings on this planet.
- Of what concern are foreign beings?
(Tom makes mocking noises)
- [Derek] Of none to you,
- Thor.
- [Crow] Cat fight. (laughs)
- Just as you were so
unconcerned when you destroyed
this small creature.
So bravely.
- It was no more than an insect.
- But it had life.
And that life you had to take
to satisfy your endless
hunger for killing!
- Silence, both of you.
- [Joel] He started it.
- Proceed, bring the Gargon.
- That will not be necessary Captain.
- [Crow] Mrs. Carmichael
put that laser down.
- Conditions here will be
reported as unsatisfactory.
- [Tom] Even disappointing.
- As they were on the other
- planets we have charted.
- By what authority--
- [Derek] You will prepare
- for take off.
The ship will leave
this planet immediately.
- According to our code of operating--
- [Crow] Men don't leave.
- You may forget the code
- of operations, Captain.
- [Joel] I'm the code of operations now.
- Beings could have made the
inscription on this metal piece
we shall not have the thousands
of Gargon's brought here
to destroy them.
- You have concern for foreign
beings over our mission
to locate grazing land
for our Gargon herds!
- [Tom] Thank you Captain Exposition.
- It is necessary as a reserve food supply
for our people.
- Our people.
- [Tom] Bah!
- We don't know our fathers
or mothers we're raised
in cubicles, the sick and
the old are put to death.
- It is the one and only way
to maintain the supreme race.
Have you forgotten--
- Our people have forgotten.
- [Tom] Um, maybe you should
have brought this up in group.
- For centuries,
but I have learned how it once was.
Families,
brothers and sisters,
there was happiness.
There was love.
- [Joel] Oh bite me, there was not.
- From where have you learned such things?
- I have read.
I have read from this book.
- [Tom] Oh, A Separate Peace.
- I discovered it and kept it hidden.
- [Derek] Somehow it survived
- [Crow] He's got the book.
- [Derek] the flames of the annihilators,
when our people were turned
into mechanized slaves.
Centuries ago.
- When we return to our
planet the High Court may well
sentence you to torture!
- [All] Torture!
- The High Court may judge
me after we have accomplished
our mission.
- [Crow] But the court of art
- and beauty will back me all the way!
- We will find an uninhabited
planet to which the herds
of Gargons may be shipped.
Without endangering civilized beings.
- Let me see that book.
- [Tom] I think what
our bright young friend
is trying to tell us is...
- You may have it.
- [Tom] It's called Iron John.
(all three humming in
mock suspenseful music)
- Bring up the Gargon.
- [Tom] I'll need an ipecac.
You were a fool Derek.
- [Crow] A mad wonderful fool.
- This book has poisoned
- your mind and you shall suffer for it.
- Captain.
If the Gargons are shipped here,
the inhabitants may destroy them.
That possibility alone makes it worthwhile
to locate an uninhabited planet.
- [Joel] He certainly is a
whisper-thin lad isn't he.
- Made you forget many things.
We are the supreme race.
We have the supreme weapons.
- [Tom] We have the supreme pizzas.
- Keep in under guard, Thor.
I will study the reactions
of the young Gargon.
- [Crow] I hate him I hate him I hat him!
- [Joel] Now I like you, Trevor,
but you're screwy you
got it, I'm the fellow
wearing the rosco see I like
games but they don't like me.
- Before the High Court has you executed,
you should be made to watch what happens
when we return here with the Gargons.
By the elements alone
they will grow to millions
of times their original size,
in less time than it takes
for the sun to rise and fall.
- [Crow] You mean a day?
- [Mora] It thrives Captain.
- [All] Thrive Captain, thrive.
- We shall return to our base
and leave the transport ships here.
Soon this planet will be
covered with full grown Gargons.
- [Crow] And I will rule the world!
- A safe distance from our planet,
yet their meat will be available
to us for the harvesting.
- [Joel] It's numscious.
- Repack the instruments.
- I shall radio back
the news of our success.
- [Tom] Derek, the sensitive space man.
- [Joel] You'll pay for this!
- Captain something has gone wrong.
- [Tom] Oh crimany what now?
- What, what has happened?
- [Mora] I do not know.
It suddenly fell limp
and now does not move.
- [Tom] Pull my finger.
- Assemble the instruments.
- Be quick!
- [Tom] Quiquag?
- [Joel] Hey maybe you
shouldn't have put him
in a snare drum.
- [Crow] Oh they're gonna get him cable.
- [Tom] Peter Annette had one of those.
- The atmosphere here
tested above minimum...
- [Tom] Wage.
- But the Gargon species
cannot live due to excessive
nitrogenic gas compounds
omitted in our preliminary
diagnoses.
- [Crow] Try saying that
- three times fast.
- Then this planet will
be reported as unsuitable?
- [Joel] Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Repack the instruments
and prepare for takeoff.
- [Crow] This bites.
- We will continue our search
in another solar system.
- [Joel] Yes, yes, yes.
- You will be presented to the
High Court with the evidence
against you.
- [All] For torture!
- Mort, Saul.
- [Tom] Mort Saul?
- Bind the prisoner
- and prepare him for
the isolation chamber.
- [Joel] What's the question?
- I will make contact with base.
- [Tom] Okay.
(bouncy music)
- He is escaping!
- [Tom] Whoop, gotta go, be back.
- No Thor. (laser hum)
- [Tom] Moses, Moses...
- How did he get free?
- He escaped from Saul.
I could have stopped him.
- Derek is to be brought back alive.
He is the son of our leader.
- Derek?
- I reported his actions
and was connected with
the leader himself.
- [Crow] Real nice guy.
- He told me this.
- He said Derek does not know.
- As the son of our leader the High Court
will pardon him.
- [Crow] Oh yeah he's a Kennedy.
- When the sky is light we
will begin to search for him.
- [Tom] It is light, what...
- [Mora] The Gargon, it is not dead.
- [Tom] I'm not dead, I'm getting better.
- It has revived.
- It flourishes!
The excessive nitrogenic gas
compounds shocked its system.
Now it thrives on the very same compounds.
- Then this planet is suitable.
- Completely.
I must resume radio-vision contact.
- [Tom] Pull my finger, pull my finger.
- Secure the Gargon by
expandable leg bands.
- [Joel] Expandable leg bands, yes sir!
- The size it obtains
by the time we return
will give us
- [Crow] Again with
an exact growth rate
- [Crow] the finger.
- to expect of the herds.
- [Joel] How much you getting
paid, Phil, why am I asking?
- At the rate the Gargon
is expected to grow,
what will prevent it from
tearing loose the leg bands?
And escaping from the caves?
- [Crow] Shut up Gomer.
- We shall be back before
- that happens.
Unless it should receive food in excess of
the atmospheric elements.
We will leave nothing
else for it to consume.
- [Tom] Well you've really
relieved me, thanks loads.
- [Saul] Thousands of beasts like that.
- [Crow] Keep me moist I
should be in water. (coughs)
- They will be harvested from the air,
so that there will be no danger to us.
- Let us be quick.
I do not like to look upon it.
- [Tom] Let us implement contractions.
- [Joel] Boo!
- Now that you report
the planet is suitable
for our purposes you are
to return here immediately
and prepare to leave the
transport ships there.
- [Joel] But sir, you're a hand puppet.
- Difficulty in our operations
should he communicate in any
way with the inhabitants.
Inferior though they may be.
- If we are to return now;
how can he be stopped?
- [Tom] Over.
- Leave your best man to
find Derek and inform him
he is my son.
I will join you on the return
trip to meet him there.
- He may be stubborn.
He has already threatened our lives.
- If that becomes the case he
he must be destroyed.
- [All] What about torture!
- They must be destroyed.
- [Captain] Your orders are complete.
- [Crow] Oh wow.
- [Captain] I shall send
- [Captain] my best man.
- [Tom] (whistling) Nothing, nothing.
- I heard the orders, Captain.
Let me--
- [Crow] Entertain you.
- find Derek.
- You will wait until
the sky is light enough
to begin the search.
- [Joel] It is light!
- We will leave now.
- And return here to meet you
when we bring the Gargons.
(birds cawing)
- [Crow] Go back to
your planet space teens.
- Do not fail, Thor.
- I shall not fail.
- [Crow] You'll fail, you cannot beat us.
We're the people we'll poop on you.
- [Joel] Run your fastest.
Jump your highest.
- [Crow] Huh, look at
that stupid jump suit
belted at the waist.
- [Joel] Hey.
- [Crow] Oops, yours is nice.
- [Tom] The loneliness
of the alien runner.
- [Crow] Life is simple
here in Grover's Corner.
(Tom humming joyfully)
- [Crow] Gee Davy.
(Tom humming joyfully)
(all three scream)
- [Crow] Don't do that.
- [Joel] Are you my daddy?
- [Tom] Jim Henson's Beretta Babies.
- [Joel] Let's watch as
an alien visits one of our
friendly Texaco stations.
- Can I help you sir?
- Yes, I...
- [Crow] Fill her up, please.
- Would,
would you tell me the meaning
of the inscription on this
metal piece?
- [Tom] What do I look like
- the Shell Answer Man,
oh, oh that's right, I am.
- Sparky, 1243 Willowcrest Drive.
That's just three blocks down
there and a few doors up,
you can't miss it.
- [Crow] Damn, illegal aliens.
- Hey.
Watch what you're doing there.
- [Joel] Ah, sorry Senator, sorry.
- Just trying to make
out what kind of clothes
that guy was wearing.
Looks like some kind of military uniform.
Wonder where he's from.
- Could be from Mars for all I care,
hurry up with that boy, will ya,
I haven't got all day.
- [Tom] Light a cigar, buddy.
Oh no he forgot to ask the
old person what a block was.
- [Crow] Excuse me, is
that a sansabelt jumpsuit?
- Hop in I'll give you a lift.
- Lift?
- Well it's a long way into town.
- [Tom] Town?
- Okay, it's all right with me if--
- Wait!
- [Tom] It's Vince
Carter, Sergeant Carter.
- [Crow] I'm looking for Sarah Connor.
- [Joel] Hey scootched
right next to the guy..
- Never saw a uniform like that before.
What brings you here?
- [Crow] Sugar-beet festival, you?
- [Derek] I am searching for someone.
- Maybe I can help you.
Know a lot of folks around these parts.
- [Derek] I am searching for
someone you could not know.
- [Tom] Oh a riddle huh.
What of them funny word
puzzles jokes, I like them.
- [Crow] Rubber Town,
community of the future.
- [Tom] This looks like a nice
place to bring your kids up.
- [Joel] Room for rent.
- [Girl] I put Sparky's
breakfast out 20 minutes ago,
Grandpa, and it's still here.
- [Grandpa] He's probably
still out chasing gophers.
- [Joel] Greet Winona. (whistles)
- You've come to see our room for rent?
- [Grandpa] What's that?
- [Girl] A fellow to see
the room for rent, Grandpa.
You show it to him won't you?
Joe will be by for me in a minute.
We're going swimming at Alices
and I haven't even changed yet.
- [Crow] Wait, I just came
to say I killed your dog.
- [Joel] You're Harry Connick aren't you?
- I'm Betty Morgan,
and this is my Grandpa.
- How do you do son?
- [Tom] Pull my finger. (laughs)
Your can't I'm kidding.
- [Grandpa] Just arrive
- in town?
Don't believe I've seen you around before.
- I just arrived.
- And
your name?
- Derek.
- Derek.
The empty room belonged
to my brother, Bud.
He's married now and lives upstate.
- Your brother?
You knew your brother?
- Did I know my brother?
That's a strange question to ask.
Grandpa raised us both since
kids after mom and dad died.
- I'm sorry, I...
it's just that I never knew
any brothers or sisters.
- Your mother and father
decided to play it smart
and avoid a lot of
squabbles around the house.
- Oh Grandpa. (laughing)
- I've
never knew my mother or father.
- [Crow] Oh boo hoo, look
I have got problems too!
- We'll take a look at the room,
and if you like it you're welcome to stay.
- It's this way, I'll show it to you.
- Hey I thought you were
getting ready to go swimming.
- Well that can wait.
- [Joel] Now that teen dream's here.
(laughing)
- [Tom] Ha ha, kill them.
(ominous music)
- What's the matter?
You act like you've never seen the inside
of an automobile before.
- What is this?
- The gear shift.
Where have you been all your life?
- [Crow] Where have you been all my life?
- Tell me what it is for?
- Now look mister,
I didn't offer you a ride
to give no driving lessons.
- Tell me!
- [Tom] Why do you look like Web Aston!
- I didn't mean anything.
Here's the clutch, when I
push it in I change gears,
low second and high.
- And to halt the vehicle.
- When I want to stop I
press the brake, right here.
- And this?
- The starter and ignition switch.
- And the fuel what does it use?
- Are you kidding?
Gasoline of course.
- [Joel] Of course, you
know for all its pitfalls
this movie educates as well as entertains.
Ever think about that?
- [Crow] Hmm, neat.
(doors thudding into place)
- You know Joel,
that old grandpa guy was way too nice
when he rented that room to
the teenager from outer space.
Real life landlord would
never be like that.
- Why yes things that happen
in the movies are different
from the way they happen in real life.
- Right Tom, so here from our
Look at the Lighter Side
Department we'd like to introduce
a new segment called,
Reel to Real. (laughing)
Let's check it out, move aside you guys.
You see.
See in reel life...
- Why you're offered a free
room and board until you can
get a job and pay back your rent.
- [Joel] In real life.
- If you're late with your
rent your room is padlocked
and you end up living
in a refrigerator box.
- [Joel] In reel life.
- Your roommate is a beautiful young woman
who fills your life with afternoon swims,
moonlit drives
and the promise of romance.
- [Joel] In real life.
- Your roommate is a
stinky high school drop out
who fills your life with head lice,
crusty laundry and furry
cans of spaghetti-O's.
- [Joel] In reel life.
- Your landlord is a rosy
cheeked cheerful old man.
- [Joel] In real life.
- Your landlord's a butane
addict who sneaks into your
apartment and looks through
your underwear drawer.
- [Joel] In reel life.
- There's a big fat drunk
guy sleeping on your couch.
- [Joel] And in real life.
- There's a big fat drunk
guy sleeping on your couch.
(laughing)
- These are just a few of the differences
in reel life and real life.
Stay with us on our
Look on the Lighter Side
department for some of those
every day befuddlements that come at us
in such a humorous way.
Like dieting.
I just look at a piece of
bread and I gain five pounds,
look at Crow here he
can eat 10 banana splits
and not gain an ounce, I hate him.
And Mondays what are you gonna do,
don't even talk to me till
I've had my coffee in the morning.
- I can't stand him
- [Joel] What about starting
when he's like this.
- [Joel] the car?
- Have you thought about it?
My hip hurts, why?
(bouncy music)
- [Tom] It's not right, it's not--
- [Crow] Oh shh!
- [Joel] What's he reading?
Prostrate World News?
- [Tom] Well that would be prostate.
- I asked him where he was from, Grandpa.
He just said he was from very far away.
- [Tom] Greenwich Village maybe.
- Well maybe he doesn't like
to talk about where he's from.
By the looks of his outfit,
I'd say he was raised in a
private school of some sort.
- [Crow] He must go to the
parochial school down the road.
- If he just got in to
town and can't pay the rent
until he gets a job or something, would...
- Well what do you say, young man?
What do you think of the room?
- [Tom] Tough room, huh?
- You will let me
live here with you?
- Well, sure.
That's why we have the sign up.
That's why you came here wasn't it?
- Not exactly.
- [Joel] Jeepers this
- [Joel] dog tag's a gold mine.
- I was just talking to Grandpa,
well if you don't have
the rent money right away
that could wait until he gets a job,
couldn't it Grandpa?
- Why sure, that's all
right with me Betty.
- [Tom] Sucker.
- But then if he doesn't like the room...
- I like it here.
Very much.
- [Tom] Yes thank you.
- I would like to stay.
- Fine.
I'll go out and take down the sign.
You can use the phone to
have your bags brought over.
- [Tom] You have a bell boy too?
- My bags?
I have nothing else.
- No other clothes or anything?
- We were not allowed to...
I mean.
- [Crow] I wet them.
- My uniform is all I have.
- Gosh you've got to have more than that.
Bud left some of his clothes
in the closet Grandpa.
Couldn't Derek use some of them?
- [Grandpa] Of course my dear.
Bud wouldn't mind a bit, I'm sure.
(car horn honking)
- Golly that's Joe.
- [Joel] He's from Venus.
- Put on whatever you like
- from the closet, Derek.
I'll be right back, make yourself at home.
- [Tom] Just stay out of my clothes.
- Hi there Joe.
- [Joe] Hi Gramps.
Betty I'm afraid I can't
make the swimming date,
not until later anyway.
Got a sudden assignment for the paper.
- Oh, gosh what now, Joe.
- [Tom] Riveting.
- I have a list of folks to interview,
say they saw a new
flying saucer last night.
- That sounds like it
might take you all day.
- I hope not, I'll call you
as soon as I get through okay?
- [Betty] Okay Joe.
- [Tom] Why don't you ask the
alien who's staying with you
about those...?
- I guess the reporters
life can be pretty hectic.
You never know when a
news story will break.
- I was just thinking.
- [Crow] No say it, don't spray it dear.
- I bet he would at that.
If you don't think Alice would mind.
- [Betty] You don't know Alice.
I won't be able to keep them apart.
- [Tom] (knocking) Help let
me out! (muffled screams)
- [Crow] Stay calm.
Act natural, can I interest you
in a Texaco Christmas Album?
(nervous laugh)
- Hey what's going on
in town anyway mister?
Convention or something?
- What?
- [Crow] I'm a treky.
- Well those clothes you're wearing.
I talked to a guy this morning
who was wearing the same
kind of outfit.
- Maybe the guy you're looking for, huh?
- You spoke to him?
What did he tell you, where did he go?
- Hey what's the matter with
you, hey take your hands
off me!
- [Crow] I work for Texaco!
- Who do you think you are anyway?
- Answer me before I destroy you!
- He came here with a dog tag.
Wanted to know about the
address and I told him
how to find it.
- Where, where did you send him?
- There was an address
on Willowcrest Drive.
- [Tom] It's prepay now mister.
- Show me how to get there.
- Just drive down there
about three blocks.
That's Willowcrest.
1243 it's only a few doors up.
- [Crow] Uh oh. (laser hum and gasps)
- [Joel] Oh, looks like a Jenny Craig ray.
- [Attendant] Somebody help! (laser hum)
- [Tom] Oh guess it's
a self serve now, huh?
- [Crow] Come on baby, no I'll drive now.
- [Joel] Rattle them bones.
- You don't have to put the
break on so hard, Derek.
That is unless you want us
to go through the windshield
every time.
- I've never piloted a
vehicle like this before.
I will try again.
- This time pull in there,
that's Alice's house.
- [Tom] Zanadoo, stately
home of Charles Fostercame.
Cost, no one can say.
- Oh, much better.
- Wait Betty.
- [Joel] You have toilet
paper on your shoe.
- When I came to your place,
it was because of...
- Yes?
- [Tom] I'm all
- [Tom] mixed up inside.
- I just arrived here,
I did not know where else to go but
everything was so strange to me I...
- [Crow] Well that's great
can we jut go in the house.
- I'm glad you came.
So is Grandpa.
- [Joel] S-grandpa?
- Without any family or friends
you wouldn't like it in a
hotel or any place like that.
Come on, I hope Alice can dig
up some swim trunks for you.
- [Tom] I have never
piloted swim trunks before.
(gaps)
- [Crow] Operator there's
a naked girl in my pool
and she's nude. (goofy laugh)
- Hi there.
- [Joel] Likewise I'm sure.
- Joe couldn't make it, Alice.
I talked Derek into coming along.
Derek, this is Alice.
- Derek.
Hey I like that.
Come on in the water's fine.
- [Joel] And so am I.
- He needs a pair
- of swim trunks I couldn't
find any at my house.
- No problem at all, he can
wear a pair of my fathers.
- [Joel] They got the support panel.
- We have the whole place to ourselves.
(all three making cat calls)
- Where are the trunks Alice?
- Hanging up right over there.
- [Crow] Earth girls are easy.
- Maybe you better put them
on with some clothes pins too.
Just in case.
- [Joel] Ooh, she makes
- [Joel] everything sound so dirty.
- Over there is the bath house.
What was that?
- Don't worry, I'll get it.
- [Tom] Probably just
a silly old plot point.
- It is what I wanted to tell you about.
The reason I came to your place.
When I did not know where else to go.
- Heck I thought it was
a 50 cent piece at least.
- [All] Derek killed your
dog, Derek killed your dog.
- It is.
That's Sparky's.
Sparky's dog tag.
Where on Earth did you find it?
- [Tom] Well, after caving
in his head with a shovel
I uh...
- One of them destroyed a small creature.
Later I found that.
Among the remains.
- You mean somebody killed Sparky?
Oh no Derek it can't be true.
Why would anyone want to kill Sparky.
- [Crow] 'Cause he was a schnauzer.
I hate those things.
- Tell me who did it Derek.
- They are gone now.
Only I remained.
- But I don't understand.
Where is Spar...
- [Tom] Key.
Sparky.
- Will you take me to where it happened?
- [Alice] I'll get
dressed and come with you.
- No Alice, please.
- [Crow] Don't get dressed.
- We'll see you later.
- [Joel] It's the News Review,
coming right at you.
(muffled screaming)
- Well well so Derek didn't
come into town alone.
If you're looking for
him he isn't here now.
He and Betty, that's my granddaughter,
they went over to the Woodwards.
Why don't you go on over there.
- [Joel] He's spritzing all over him.
- Yes.
How do I go there.
- [Tom] Let me count the ways.
- Straight on down the
street about three miles.
Just before you get to the park.
Got the biggest house
on the block down there.
You can't miss it.
- [Joel] Just like you can't miss me.
- Where you fellows from, anyway?
Don't believe I've seen
uniforms like yours before.
- [Crow] I like you Gramps,
that's why I kill you last.
- Well it doesn't matter, Derek
didn't say where he's from
either.
- [Joel] Have you met my granddaughter?
- You're probably anxious to see him.
- [Crow] Don't leave your
dog in the car on a hot day.
(humming)
- [Tom] (sniffing) Woof.
Sparky (whistles) here Sparky.
Sparks, Sparks, (whistles)
here boy, here boy.
- [Crow] Owy, ouch, ooh, sting
ah ooh ee ah burn.
- Where is he, Derek?
You don't mean those old bones?
You can see they've been
here for a very long time.
- What are you Louis
Leakey all of a sudden?
- It was among these remains
that I found the metal inscription.
- But this,
couldn't be Sparky.
- [Crow] Sparky had skin.
- I know he must have been here
and his collar tag fell off,
that's all.
- [Tom] Hey wake up and smell the collie.
- You are not familiar with
the focusing disintegrater ray?
- [Joel] Yeah, my aunt has one.
- It projects an isolated
beam which separates
the molecules of living
material in chain reaction.
- [Crows] It slices, it dices.
- All but the solids.
- The skeletal braces.
- Horrible.
- [Tom] Yet effective.
- And
you mean
Sparky,
but...
- Over there is what
happened when the same beam
was aimed at me.
It missed and...
- [Crow] Became a tree.
- [Derek] That is what is left.
- Good heavens, Derek.
You've got to explain it to me.
Why were they doing this?
Where were they from, how did you...?
- [Crow] Who took the
frames out of the film?
(bouncy music)
(panting)
- [Crow] Hello Uhura.
- Well hello.
- [Joel] At ease soldier.
- You are alone?
- Could be.
- Where are the others?
The ones who were with you.
- Why do you want to know that?
- Tell me where they are.
- [Joel] Ms. Hathaway the early years.
- Just tell me.
- They left here.
They're gone.
- Where did they go?
- I think you better get out of here
before I call the police.
- You will call no one,
you will do as I say.
- [Tom] Uh oh.
- That's what you think, Mr.
- [Tom] Who put Pat
Boons to stand in here?
- [Crow] This is bogus,
I'm going to the deep end.
- [Thor] I said you will call no one.
(laser humming)
- [Joel] Too much chlorine.
- [Tom] Yes folks proof
you can be too rich
and too thin.
- [Crow] Hey she just
changed into the same dress.
- [Joel] You decorated this
house whale and flowers?
- [Tom] Darn corns, oh, oh.
- [Crow] Hmm, Gramps started early today.
- [Joel] Oh Grandpa I
bought that Nyquil for colds
not for you to make Nyquil-ada's.
- [Joel] Dear Gramps, I cannot
continue to live this way.
- [Crow] And the post-it note was born.
- [Tom] Grandpa I left a
note for you by the phone
for when you wake up.
Grandpa, Grandpa.
- [Crow] Spiders,
spiders all over me oh...
- [Joel] It's Gramps,
he's got the flu again.
- Grandpa was asleep so
I left a note so he knows
where we went.
If I know Grandpa we'll be
back before he even wakes up.
- [Tom] If he ever wakes up.
(muffled screams)
(phone rings)
- [Crow] Oh, still getting (mumbling).
- [Tom] Hmm it's the New Jew Review
coming back at you,
it's quite an amazing
thing when the animals...
- Hello?
- Hello, Gramps, this is Joe.
Betty there?
- No, she and Derek went on
over to the Woodwards pool.
You can probably reach her over there.
- Derek, who's Derek?
- Oh you haven't met him yet have you?
- [Crow] He's Betty's new
regular Saturday night thing.
- Seemed like a nice fellow.
- [Tom] At first.
- The reason I called,
I wanted to tell Betty I
stumbled on to a double murder
story that may keep me longer, but,
well after I get the
story into the paper I'll
I'll go on over to
Alices and see her there.
- Double murder, Joe.
When was it, where?
- We're not sure yet Gramps,
there's only a couple
of skeletons.
- [Crow] And they're not
- [Crow] talking. (imitates rim shot)
- [Tom] Oh oh we don't
need to see that, no.
- Joe, Joe, I just found a note, Joe!
- [Tom] What do you know?
Hello Joe, what do you know?
Just got back from Cocomo.
(muffled scream)
- [Crow] I got it!
- [Crow] He looks like Ethal Waters.
(muffled screams)
- My golly, you missed them at the pool.
- [Joel] On a killing spree huh?
- Betty left me a note.
Now they've gone over
to the college to see
Professor Simpson.
- [Tom] Give me that.
- [Joel] Hey room 222.
(whistling)
You know school always smells
the same when you go back.
- [Tom] Yep, smells like shame, guilt,
and humiliation.
Hey Silvia Plath.
- Where can we find Professor Simpson?
- This is his office but
he hasn't come in yet.
- [Crow] It's Barbie's Malibu Dream Desk.
- It's just around the building.
- You may wait here if you like.
- No thank you,
we'll wait outside.
- [Crow] Your desk embarrasses us.
- [Tom] Tiny.
- [Joel] Now I'll show you my old locker.
I wonder if I still
remember the combination.
(humming)
- [Tom] Come on it's a nice day
for a white wedding.
(humming)
- [Crow] Ms. Hathaway Jethro
wants to be a rock star.
- Good morning Professor Simpson.
- [Tom] Uh call the burn ward pronto.
It's like a crispy George Gullible.
- I'll go down and see if they're ready.
- [Tom] Poor guy.
(Crow sings indistinctly)
- [Janitor] That's
Professor Simpson's office.
The third door down.
He's head of the science department.
- [Joel] Yeah if you throw
up or need some saw dust
just call me.
(muffled screams)
- He must be somewhere else on campus,
we better go back to his office and wait.
- Hello.
This is Simpson, science department.
- [Tom] What are you wearing?
- Put that down.
- What is the meaning of this?
- Do as I say.
- Who are you?
- Where is he?
The one who came with information for you?
- Who?
You are making some mistake.
- I am making no mistake.
- [Tom] Make no mistake.
Make no bones about it.
- [Simpson] I don't know what
- you're talking about.
- You will speak to no one else.
(laser hum)
- [Crow] Well that ray gun
works well but you can't
get the stink out.
- [Tom] Phew, I never toasted
somebody that old before.
(loud sigh of relief)
- [Joel] Smells like the
primate house in here, jeepers.
(grunting and straining)
- [Crow] Oh, wait a little ugh.
- [Tom] She was a fast machine,
she kept her motor clean.
- Yes I know he came in
right after you left.
- [Joel] Hold my calls will you, ha ha.
(scream)
- [Tom] I'll be taking lunch
here, Dot. (wicked laugh)
- Oh it's some kind of foolish joke.
I'm not gonna keep a job
where this sort of thing
goes on.
- [Joel] Is that the straw
that broke the camel's back?
- I want to believe what I'm
thinking isn't true, but...
- It was a focusing disintegrater.
- Then, whoever killed Sparky...
- [Crow] Used a focusing disintegrater.
- But you said they'd gone.
- For some reason they want to stop me.
Somehow we were traced here.
I want you to get in your
vehicle and go to a place
where you will be safe.
- But how could they...
Grandpa.
- [Tom] What?
- I left a note for
grandpa. (all three gasp)
They must have...
- [Joel] Oh, Grandpa squealed.
- I will go to your place.
- [Betty] No they may be
waiting for you there.
I can call Grandpa.
- [Crow] Here Grandpa. (whistles)
Here boy, here Grandpa.
Hey room for one buddy.
(snoring)
(phone rings)
- [Joel] Oh goody, somebody
needs a room. (yawns)
- Hello?
- Oh Grandpa, thank heavens.
Derek he's all right.
- Betty what is it
child, what's the matter?
- Grandpa, was somebody
there, somebody you told
we were at the college?
- [Tom] Yes.
- Did he find you okay?
- He's a murderer he killed
Professor Simpson, Grandpa.
He's after Derek and he's
probably on the way back
to the house right now.
- [Crow] Well does he need a room?
- But are the police--?
- Don't argue, Grandpa just
- [Crow] This call is coming
- get out of there.
- [Crow] from inside the house.
- We're going to the City
Hall police station right now.
Meet us there.
- Don't worry about me
Betty, I'll leave right away.
- [Joel] I'll pack a bag of
trusses and be out in; ah!
(muffled screams)
- I better call the police.
- [Joel] Nickels,
- [Joel] check for nickels.
- [Derek] With what
weapons are they equipped?
- Guns, why?
- [Derek] Guns that emit what?
- [Joel] Love, why?
- What do you mean?
- Bullets.
Centuries old invention against--
- Hello operator,
give me the police department, hurry.
- [Crow] Nobody expects
a Spanish inquisition.
Unique style weaponry, oh fierce surprise.
- [Joel] Wow this is pretty
nice I don't think I want
to destroy this house after all.
- [Tom] Boy sure is a nice place,
guy could really get a room here.
(hums) Sure would like to
rent one of these rooms.
(humming nonchalantly)
- Yes, we'll be there
right away, thank you.
- [Crow] Good I got a hair
appointment with Jose.
- I want you to go somewhere
else where you will be safe.
- Where's safer than the City Hall?
The police said they're going
to have armed guards waiting
for us on the front steps.
- [Tom] Neat.
I told them we'd be right there,
let's hurry.
- [Tom] Let's us hurry.
- [Joel] I'm scurrying.
- [Crow] I'm thinking
it's the New Jew View
coming (singing indistinctly).
(bouncy music)
- All right you guys the
waste receptacle's in position
are you ready?
- Roger, roger.
- [Joel] Okay I'm about
- to jettison the snacks into
space. (machinery rumbling)
- [Tom] Here they go.
(imitates machine sounds)
(all humming jolly music)
- There is no smoking in this auditorium.
And now we invite you to enjoy
(Tom and Joel humming)
our feature presentation.
(alarm sounding all three screaming)
- [Joel] We got movie signs!
(doors squeaking and thudding open)
(Tom humming)
- [Joel] Alien crossing.
- [Crow] Wow he's gonna
turn City Hall into
the Museum of Natural History.
- [Joel] (gun shots) Well I guess you can
fight City Hall, there you go.
- [Tom] (gunfire) Snap, crackle, pop.
Rico, Lee.
(laser hums)
- [Crow] Watch out he'll
turn you into a dead head.
- [Joel] Only a flesh wound.
- [Tom] Too late.
(gun shots)
(laser hum)
- [Crow] Ah, I'm hit Charlie, I'm hit.
- [Tom] What's that thing in his head?
- Derek no!
(grunts)
- [Crow] Oh! They're using
real bullets those bastards.
Cover me. (Tom laughs)
- [Tom] Oh, well, that
was fun now where were we?
Shall we chase him or
knock off for coffee,
what do you think?
- [Cop] He must have slipped
- off that way come on.
- [Joel] Go hang Bob
- [Joel] in my office.
- Stay under cover.
- [Crow] Under cover angel.
- [Joel] Hey, scoop.
Ha ha they went that way.
- [Tom] Jimmy Olsen here.
- Betty, thank the lord you're safe.
I just came from Alice's, there
was a skeleton in the pool.
- Alice? (all three gasp)
Oh no!
We came to meet Grandpa.
The murder came in the car with him.
- What?
But how did you...
get mixed up in this?
- Since he killed Sparky
out by the old mine...
- [Crow] She sounds like
Betty Boop all of a sudden.
- And he forced Gramps to drive here?
- [Joel] He is insane.
- Is he okay?
- [Betty] Yes.
- Oh there he is trying
to get across the street.
- [Joel] Stay Grandpa, stay.
- I'll go over and help him across.
- [Tom] That's the last boy scout.
- [Joel] I have often walked
down this street before
but I've never done it
packing heat before.
- [Tom] Hey.
- [Derek] What are you doing down here?
Go into the building
that is the safest place.
- [Crow] Hmm, what, what?
- [Betty] Look.
- [Tom] Pick a pepper sauce.
- [Betty] Here on the sidewalk.
Drops of blood.
- Betty, go into the building.
- [Crow] Warning sign,
- [Crow] ding ding ding.
- Derek.
- [All Three] Surprise!
- Give me the weapon you have Derek.
- [Joel] Hey it's a
tube of crest he must be
a cavity fighter.
- [Thor] One sudden move
- and I slay you both.
- [Crow] I'll tartar control
- [Crow] you!
- Derek do as he says.
- [Tom] What?
Nice luger.
- Get in!
- [Crow] Okay okay I'm getting in.
Jeez what a grouch.
- [Thor] You will take
me to a man of surgery
to remove the metal pellets from my flesh.
- [Joel] Well it's 2:30
they're probably all golfing.
- We must do as he says.
I know a doctors office,
we'll take him there.
- She is very wise.
- [Crow] What you like her?
- Now go!
- [Joel] And I want a
jolly rancher fire stick
when I'm done, too.
- [Crow] Watch your
space cushion, slow slow.
- [Grandpa] And that's
the way it happened.
- [Joel] I'm Walter Cronkite.
- [Grandpa] Next thing I knew
- he was trying to fire out
the window at Betty and Derek.
- [Crow] He's talking to Clifford Irving.
- Say where is Betty?
- [All Three] Where is Betty?
- That's funny.
She must be around someplace.
- But the car is gone.
They must have left without me.
- [Tom] Get the hint, Gramps?
- Well don't worry Gramps.
You'll get an escort home.
I'm going to phone the
story into the paper
and then drive out to the
old mine Betty mentioned.
- The old mine, what's out there?
- I don't know, that's where
she said Sparky was killed
by the guy.
- [Crow] How come I always
- [Crow] have to do the expositions?
- She didn't tell me about that.
- Hey Mac, over here.
Blood spots on the sidewalk.
- [Tom] Car's been bleeding here.
- That's it.
That's how the killer got away.
- In our car?
Then Betty and Derek...
- [Crow] Oh you guys aren't FBI
you're from Foreman and Clark.
- You've got to do something.
You've got to find them.
- [Tom] Nope.
- [Joel] A child in the city.
- This is it Derek,
that's Dr. Brandt there,
he looks like he's leaving.
- Stop him.
Block his path.
(muffled screams)
- [Joel] Looking good and feeling pretty.
- [Crow] Hey, you blocked my path.
- Is there some emergency?
I have a house call to make.
Office hours don't begin for another hour.
- [Thor] Go inside all of you!
- I say what is this?
- [Joel] And you say it rather woodenly.
- He's holding a gun on us, Dr. Brandt.
- [Tom] Where, oh I see it now.
- He wants bullets removed.
- I see.
- [Crow] Well I don't see but...
- You will need hospital
facilities for anything else.
- [Thor] Be silent and get inside!
You will remove the pellets here, now!
- Leave these people alone Thor.
- [Joel] He's so gentle.
- Where is our ship?
I will take you there.
- [Thor] No it is gone.
Do as I say!
- Derek please.
Doctor you must try.
- [Tom] Ah criminy, come on dummy.
I was going to a hat party.
Mine was the grandest of all too.
Big feather boa in the bag too.
- [Crow] Now you'll have to wait an hour,
it's standard procedure.
- [Joel] Oh sorry about the mess,
this kind of doubles as my
room, I just gotta clean
a few things up here.
- You'll have to lie down here.
I will prepare an anesthetic.
The pain will be great.
- I will not be drugged.
You will simply remove the pellets.
- [Joel] Well I won't be using this then.
- Both of you, sit there.
I shall keep you covered.
- [Crow] I did not say simon says.
- One treacherous move and
they pay with their lives.
Now proceed.
- [Crow] In iambic pentameter.
- [Tom] Shall I compare
thee to a fleshy wound?
- [Crow] Hey what's a
turkey roasting pan doing
in the office?
- [Tom] He dies he can make soup.
Hey you're put together all differently.
You're a willowy young thing aren't you.
- [Crow] He likes that.
- [Joel] Oh looks like
your popper's come up,
oh that's your nipple.
- Thor.
- [Tom] Yeth it isth very thor.
- Tell me why you have
been searching for me.
Must have been important for you to have--
- The Gargon are to be raised here.
- [Tom] Oh yeah the lobsters, I forgot.
- You could not be allowed to run free.
- But the specimen reaction was negative.
- It was verified positive
after you escaped.
The captain should have let me kill you
when I had the chance.
- And why didn't he?
- I saw him stop you when you fired at me.
- Because...
- [Joel] He likes the cut
- [Joel] Of your jib.
- He just learned that
- you are the son of our leader.
- [Crow] I'm David
Eisenhower that makes you
Julie Nixon!
- [Tom] Huh, a cigarette butt,
the hell's that doing in there?
- [Crow] Suddenly it's carnival of souls.
- [Tom] (gasps) Look, oh ah.
- [Joel] Yep come on.
- [Joel And Tom] Yes yes yes.
- [Crow] Come on baby come on.
(all three sigh disappointedly)
- Then if I am not to be killed,
why did you fire at me in the city?
- Your life or death was put in my hands.
A traitor doesn't deserve
to be our next leader!
- The only reason you do not fire now
is to force attention to your wounds.
When that is done...
- Proceed!
- [Crow] Oh okay, let's see here.
Remove funny bone, ha ha ha.
- [Joel] Well here's the
little bugger that was
causing all the trouble.
Okay hop down put your clothes on.
- You will need bandages.
- [Crow] I recommend
Sea Breeze astringent.
- [Joel] Hmm, no insurance, sad really.
Hot blooded check it and see.
- [Tom] Aunt Em, Uncle Henry,
you were there, and you and you and you.
- [Joel] Yeah all right all
right all right all right.
- [Crow] Yes yes yes.
Where was I on the night of the 14th?
- Come back!
I'll find you.
- [Joel] It's Brian Ferry
love is the drug for him.
- You're in here, I know you are.
- [Crow] But what am I?
- I'll find you.
- [Crow] And then you'll be it.
- [Tom] All right this
is your stop Grandpa,
out baby, out out out.
- My nurse, Ms. Moss,
she'll be arriving for office hours.
- [Joel] Boy the old guy
moves when he wants to.
- [Tom] Yeah good truss on him.
- [Crow] I've got to solve the jumble.
- I can hear you.
- [Joel] Tommy I can hear
you I can feel you near me.
- You cannot escape me.
- [Tom] I'm Charles Foster Cane!
- I will find you I'll
find you I'll find you!
- [Crow] There you are, you're
in a sailboat all of a; oh...
- [Joel] Oh here comes the S.S Nurse.
(Tom hums)
- [Tom] Here we go folks.
'Cause I'm a suck shooter shooting love
in your direction. (hums)
- [Crow] What?
Oh that doctor left
another young one bleeding
on the stoop again. (sighs)
- [Joel] Have you been waiting long?
- Dr. Brandt.
Dr. Brandt!
- [Crow] There's a dead
- [Crow] spaceman to see you sir.
(hums)
Snot is running down her nose.
- [Doctor] She's already left?
- [Tom] Okay goodbye then, oh...
Not very courteous.
- [Joel] Hmm, Wesson oil on a wound?
- [Tom] Yeah she's not
Florence Nightingale,
she's Florence Henderson.
(phone rings)
- [Crow] Oh, every time I'm about to swab.
(phone rings)
♫ Picture yourself on a train
♫ In the station
♫ And marsh smells ♫ (humming)
- [Joel] Don't ask me (phone
rings) I don't give a damn
next step is Vietnam.
(phone rings)
- [Crow] It must be that
nice Adam Rich boy calling
for his prescription again.
- Dr. Brandt's office.
- [Tom] I'm Dr. Franz!
- This is Dr. Brandt.
- Where are you Doctor?
There's an emergency patient here.
I've done all I can for him--
- Listen Ms. Moss.
He's a murderer.
- [Crow] Cause Pepperidge Farm
- [Crow] Remembers.
- [Doctor] We were fortunate in escaping.
You must get out of there.
- A murderer.
- [Tom] No I said murderer.
- Yes doctor, I'll leave immediately.
- You will come with me.
Put that down!
- [Doctor] Ms. Moss, Ms. Moss, what is it?
- [Joel] He doesn't have any insurance.
- [Crow] And don't lift a finger.
- What do you want?
- You will help me to escape.
Go out.
- [Joel] Wait a minute Ms. Moss,
just leave your bones by the door.
Ms. Moss, Ms. Moss.
- [Crow] Nobody asked for a ray
gun you put that right away.
- That vehicle.
Is that how you arrived?
- Yes, that's my car.
- [Tom] In style.
- Get in, you will take me where I say.
If you disobey you will be killed.
- [Tom] I hope your
bandages stick to your scabs
you little son of a...
- [Betty] The police are on
the way Dr. Brandt, they...
- It's no use.
I was too late.
They're gone.
- [Joel] I wasn't the fifth
- [Joel] caller.
- But how could he?
- You said he would be helpless that--
- Without aide.
But my nurse she didn't know.
She bandaged him, gave him an injection.
He revived.
- [Crow] Then they played Jimmy Hendrix.
- [Tom] Bad day at black rack eh?
- They might be able to do something.
- [Tom] No no, that would be telling.
- [Joel] Ladies and
gentlemen Charles Schultz
creator of Peanuts.
(applause and whistles)
- [Crow] Who are you again?
Oh my girlfriend, okay.
- [Joel] Oh have I got a nervous tummy.
- [Crow] The thinker.
- Don't worry Derek.
Thor will be caught.
They're sure to find him eventually.
- It is what I know is coming here.
- [Joel] Lend me a tenor?
- The Gargon, they are small when young.
- [Crow] But they'll crawl you.
- The size of this building
in no more than a day.
- But
can't you stop them?
- [Crow] Only if they're
willing to stop themselves.
- The only chance is to
duplicate the operation
of the disintegrater.
- [Crow] We'll need a shoestring
and a picture of Eve Arden.
- The men of science here
might be able to do it
if they could get Thor's as a model.
If only there was enough time.
- [Joel] You know those little dogs become
quite a tourist attraction round here.
- [Crow] Arf.
- You know I don't get
- this guy.
- [Tom] It's not a guy
- [Tom] it's a dog.
- He just seems to like killing.
- There's more to it than that, Joe.
There's something behind this.
Something we don't understand.
- [Crow] Like the new math.
- The weapon he uses it's unheard of.
Blasting flesh right off the bone.
- [Tom] Really a waste.
- Look at that tree over there.
Used it for target practice
by the looks of it.
- [Joel] That's pretty far fetched Bob.
- Let's take a look in the old cave.
- [Tom] Row row row, come on sing!
Row row row your boat.
- [Nurse] Where are we going?
- You've got to tell me.
- [Crow] So I know where
- [Crow] to turn.
- It is not far now.
- You can't escape, the
police will find you.
- Possibly they will.
- [Tom] It kind of looks like
- [Tom] a mountain now.
- It's barricaded in
- the mouth of a cave with you
as hostage and me with this--
- How long do you think
- [Crow] Sounds like heaven.
- you'll hold out that way?
- Long enough.
There will not be too long to wait.
- [Crow] Vertigo, Suspicion,
North by; ah you know.
- [Tom] Why do you seek
the living among the dead?
- Bring your flashbulbs up here.
This tunnel is black as pitch.
- Okay I'll be right up.
- [Joel] And it's filled with chili
it's a tunnel of chili like a
hormel hot dog. (man screams)
- [Tom] Gulfy's in there.
- [Crow] Should I bring more flashbulbs?
- [Joe] Mac!
- An intruder all ready.
- [Nurse] No!
I won't let you kill anyone!
- [Tom] You'll kill
someone over my dead body.
- I see you do not value your life.
- [Tom] Much.
- He's getting away, follow him!
- No.
- You dare refuse?
- [Tom] Hey hey that's
where I draw the line.
Pistol whipping.
- [Crow] Damn the tree, I hate that.
- [Joel] After him Scoob.
- [Tom] The reporter's
running away from the story.
- [Crow] Kind of like the
year of living sensibly.
- [Tom] You know you don't
see this shot in movies
very often do you?
- [Crow] No, uh, hmm?
- [Joel] This is just like misery.
- [Crow] What do you mean, this is misery.
- [Joel] Well said.
San Diego freeway, the early years.
- [Tom] Menopause can feel
like a speeding car chase.
- [Joel] I've got a headache this big
and it's got this movie
written all over it.
- [Crow] Woe he shouldn't be driving
without corrective lenses.
(screams)
- [Tom] It's May the Super Nurse Osborne.
Ooh.
(humming dramatic music)
- [Crow] Huh, what do
you know, valley parking.
- [Joel] How'd I do that?
- [Tom] Those easy spirit
pumps saved her hash.
- [Joel] Well she's fine but these stains
will never come out.
- Are you hurt badly?
- I
I don't think so.
- [Crow] Well then down the hill with you.
- Bruised, oh thank heavens it's over.
It was like nightmare.
- [Tom] Only it wasn't
- [Tom] aboard a pirate
ship with my; oh...
- What do you mean?
- Back in the cave,
where he shot at me.
Some kind of man-eating monster.
Poor Mac, the guy I was with.
I could hear the thing tearing him apart.
- [Tom] Sounded delicious.
- [Crow] Like Captain Crunh.
- Oh how horrible.
- What could it have been?
- [Tom] Sounded like soda crackers.
- Whatever it is, I'm afraid
the nightmare's just begun.
(bouncy music)
- Thor crashed just below here.
If that disintegrater is down
there I'm going to find it.
- Derek, I just thought.
- [Tom] Well stop that.
- The monster that escaped from the cave.
- [Joel] He could rent my brother's room.
- What I can't figure out is,
why did it escape when
it did, why not sooner?
- [Crow] Why do I love it like I do?
- But the man it consumed
increased its growth rate.
- [Tom] Stupid old man.
- How big will it be now?
- There is no telling.
- [Joel] Have you seen List-A-Mania?
- You stay here, keep the door closed.
- [Tom] Oh and if a strange
looking lobster comes knocking
ignore it.
- [Joel] Oh, there's the Rockford car
and there's the Starsky
and Hutch car and, wow.
- [Crow] Clothes by Charlie McCarthy.
- [Tom] Yeah no easter eggs here.
This hills have crabs.
- [Crow] I'm getting hot why
didn't he crack a window?
- [Tom] Derek,
Derek can I have the keys
so I can listen to the radio
at least?
- [Crow] Ah, queen ann's lace,
morning glory, buttercups.
- [Joel] It's Andrew Wyeth valley.
- No Betty go back, it's
too dangerous for you.
- We can find that thing
twice as fast if we both look.
(gasping)
- [Tom] Well as long as we're down here.
- You make me angry.
But I like you very much.
- In a moment the moon will
come from behind a cloud.
- [Crow] What is this a
Bergman film all of a sudden.
(Tom mockingly speaking foreign language)
- The light from your moon it will help.
- My moon?
Where are you from, Derek?
- [Joel] A place called studs-ville.
- [Crow] Population me.
- I think I know.
- I think I've known for some time.
- [Tom] You are one weird mama-jama.
- You're not from this world, are you?
- [Joel] You're from
the valley aren't you?
- I did not know how to tell you.
- [Crow] I'm from Jersey.
- Seems
impossible to believe.
- [Tom] Believe it, or not.
- You're so much like us.
- [Crow] Wait until you see my tongues.
- Grandpa when he was young.
- [Joel] Had a liver.
- And to think...
- We were made the same.
- [Tom] How inconvenient.
- The only difference is
that we were put on places
far far apart.
- [Crow] Oh now he's gonna sing
Ebony and Ivory.
- [Betty] What's it like,
- where you're from?
- Babies are raised
- [Crow] Like Disney Land
- like livestock.
- [Crow] without the rides.
- Parented by the most
perfect specimens of our race.
- [Tom] Sounds nice.
- If you become ill you are put to death.
- [Crow] Hmm, Massachusetts, Rhode Island.
- [Joel] So they're strict,
is that what you're saying?
- You won't be going back ever,
will you?
- I shall make the Earth my home.
And I shall never, never leave it.
- [Crow] And he'll realize
there are cuter girls at school.
- [Tom] Ever taste Gargon flesh?
- [Joel] Ever taste
Dr. Pepper lip smacker?
- [Crow] Love is cooling
in the sage brush.
- [Tom] Bluck-uh wow.
Oh.
Thought the nurse had grass stains, ooh.
- The moon has come from behind the cloud.
- [Joel] Done.
- [Crow] Hmm...
Cold, getting warmer.
- Derek.
The crickets.
- [Joel] We'll name the band the crickets!
- It's so quiet. (Crow
making cricket chirps)
- [Crow] Too quiet. (screams)
- [Tom] Oh here comes my mom!
- There it is Derek,
it was under a rock.
- [Crow] How fortunate,
- [Crow] this will simplify everything.
- [Joel] Uh, shrimp in the game.
- [Tom] Ah see if you can get that out.
- Run go start the motor,
hurry! (Gargon howling)
- [Tom] For the seafood killer in you.
- [Crow] It's a rocked lobster.
- [Tom] Woe woe turn
down the firebird sweets.
- [Joel] Bye Derek.
- [Tom] Woop, wrong way, there we go.
See ya kids.
- It's the most terrifying
thing I've ever seen.
- [Tom] And the lobster was bad too.
- Must have been damaged somehow,
when Thor was throne in the crash.
- [Crow] Thwone in the cwash?
- That thing would keep growing.
- [Joel] And the lobster too.
- What can stop it from wrecking the city?
- I may be able to repair the damaged part
of the disintegrater.
If I can we will stop the
Gargon and give the Earth
a weapon against invasion as well.
If only I can get it to work.
- [Tom] Will Derek get it to work?
Tune in next time.
- [Crow] Hey what's a
snipe look like anyway?
- [Tom] I'm Kirk Gowdy join
me and Phil Harris as we
go after big Texas Lobster.
- [Joel] Shoot first seek to
understand later my friend.
- (howl) What was that?
- [Crow] Snail diver, shoot it!
- Only a coyote.
- [Crow] Slamming in Sam Sneed.
- [Voiceover] There it is!
(screaming and Gargon howls)
(gunshots)
- [Joel] Oh that'll happen
you're bound to loose
a few of your hunting party right away.
- [Tom] Oh no and he reads
too. (yells in frustration)
- [Crow] Wow a lot of seeds
in this stuff.
- [Betty] Grandpa was so
- exhausted he fell asleep
with all his clothes on.
- [Joel] And then he soiled himself.
- Do you think you can fix it Derek?
- I have found the damaged part.
- [Crow] It's gonna cost you.
- Such a little thing.
- [Crow] It's a copper seven.
- And yet it has the power
to destroy as it does.
- It is worthless.
- [Tom] Oh it is a
- Unless I can figure out
- [Tom] copper seven.
- an energy substitute.
- Maybe it won't come
into the city, Derek.
- It will come to the city.
- [Tom] Yeah it needs to cash a check.
- For more food if nothing else.
- [Joel] Well then I
should set out some snacks.
- [Crow] Meanwhile at
the outhouse on the hill.
- [Tom] It's Mel Brooks in Life Stinks.
- [Joel] Know when to say
when, that's my motto.
- This Johnson at station 86.
- [Tom] My house just disappeared.
- There's some kind of a monster,
it suddenly popped up and
seemed to touch the sky.
- [Tom] Again.
- I have not been drinking.
(Crow burps)
- [Tom] Much.
- No I can't see it now.
- It must be behind the hills
but I'm getting out of here.
- [Crow] Gag.
- [Tom] Oh, come on old friend.
- The few remaining survivors
of the search party that was
attacked report that the
beast that they encountered
was many times the size
that they expected.
Indicating that the monster
has some strange power
of rapid growth.
An exact description was...
- [Crow] Take this come on
- [Crow] take it.
- [Crow] There's a piece of
green something between your...
Oh.
- A beast of seemingly gigantic
proportions has been sighted
lurking in the hills
due north east of town.
- [Tom] I don't have any pants on.
- Have called for military help.
Planes and troops are
expected to arrive within
the next two hours.
- [Joel] We got to roll.
- [Crow] And on the lighter
side. (dorky laughing)
- Cellars, bomb shelters as
directed by civil defense
administrators, I repeat...
(doors sliding and thudding)
- Is this your card?
Hey crow what's up?
- Oh just thinking, watching
the snack food drift by.
Nothing much ever happens around here.
Makes me realize how alone we are.
No what I mean?
Hanging in space like
a giant speck of food
floating in the ocean.
Sooner or later to be swallowed up
by some creature floating by.
Another day in paradise, yep.
Yep, yep.
- [Tom] There's a lot of deck isn't it.
- Come on what if there
is no supreme being.
Wouldn't that be a fine how do you do.
- Oh there's a supreme being all right.
- Well okay.
- Hey Tom what are you been up to lately?
- Red, oh well you know
me I try to ward off
my bell schwartz with my hobbies.
Red.
- Wrong.
- Well I finally finished off
that tri-star pegasus logo
we're gonna use in our next movie pageant.
- Oh really, that's great.
- [Tom] Yeah boy trying to
- get those little wings
to stick...(laughs)
- Well I'd really like to
see that sometime you know.
- Well sure you know I've
got it right down here.
- Hey guys there's a
ship coming into view!
- Ah Crow, you're plum loco
it's probably just some
big gummy bear from before.
- No no no.
It's a skull cruiser, it's
black and demonic and it spreads
darkness and death, cool.
- Crow you're so high; red.
Gummy bears are,
gummy bears don't spread
darkness and death.
Do they?
- And it's piloted by a ghostly figure
with a fowl continence and
deadly intent, (Tom laughs)
you guys got to see this.
- Oh for crying out loud.
- [Joel] No I think you're
- just seeing one of those
packs of Jordan Almonds
we shot out. (screaming)
(car horn honks)
- Hell's come a rockin' and I quit!
(rock music)
- [All] Boss.
Hooker headers and thresh pipes,
loafers and tweeters and bears.
- Oh my.
Hey guys check out the
hex field view screen.
Wow.
- [Crow] Oh cool.
(gasping)
- [Joel] What, I think he's
trying to tell us something.
- Oh man was that lame, boo!
Do over.
- [Joel] Seems like kind of
- a jip, man.
- That wasn't cool that was
the dumbest visitor ever.
- Well that janitor was pretty dumb.
- Well that's true, and the
guy with the thick glasses
he was.
- [Crow] Oh yeah yeah yeah.
- Hey uh Tom you know that
pegasus you were working on.
This horse is a cow.
- Does it really make a
difference. (cow moos)
- I don't think so.
We'll be right back. (cow moos)
(bouncy music)
- I can help, Derek, I'm going with you.
- Hey what's going on?
- [Crow] Skeleton was
three feet tall.
- [Grandpa] What's all
- the commotion about?
- Grandpa, Derek and I are
going out to the edge of town
wait for us here.
- First I must put the disintegrater
back together.
- [Tom] There's a lobster
- And then find
- [Tom] At the edge of town.
the proper tools.
- I can load the car with every
tool we have in the garage.
- [Joel] I can load my pants.
- Let us go.
- [Crow] Good, good good.
- [Tom] The Streets of San Francisco,
a Quin Martin production.
Epilogue.
- [Crow] What the heck,
before it was a little town
now it's the Hollywood hills.
I'm not going in the tunnel.
- [Tom] It's Sunday morning in Hollywood,
come on down to Bargain Clown.
- [Crow] She's cute. (Tom humming)
Hey where'd she go?
- [Joel] Too late to go swimming?
- [Joe] Why aren't you
in the cellar, Gramps,
with Betty?
- What makes you think
Betty's in the cellar,
she's out somewhere
- [Crow] She's not buried
- with Derek again.
- [Crow] down there with
- Everybody's supposed to
- [Crow] her mother.
- take shelter.
The monster from the cave,
it's approaching the town.
- Huh?
Then that's where they must have gone.
Those crazy kids.
Joe we've got to try and find them.
- You mean they...
- [All] Yes.
- Come on then, let's go.
- [Tom] Come on Joe, we've
got to go, me oh my oh.
- [Tom] What is parking, teach me
of parking.
- [Betty] Derek look.
- [Tom] What behind the flying lobster?
- Keep out of the way.
- [Betty] You can't cut live wires.
- [Crow] Derek, my door, Der; I'll do it.
(gasping)
- [Joel] Hmm what's this
button, ahh! (Tom buzzes)
- Operator, this is an emergency.
You must connect me with
- [Joel] Hello Spiegal?
- the city electrical
generating plant, hurry!
- [Joel] I think she's the
Wichita lineman, quick.
(phone rings)
- Generating plant.
- [Tom] Simpson here.
- Hello, please listen to
me, you must do as I say.
The monster is coming towards the town.
- [Crow] If you'd like to
speak to an operator press one.
- We have a weapon here that
might be able to stop it,
if we can connect it to the power line.
- Who is this?
- [Tom] Wait is this Bob?
- You have to believe me there's no time
to check with anybody.
- [Tom] Woe, time for my break.
- Up there, that looks like them.
Derek is climbing down a pole.
- And look what's coming,
we're not going to make it in time.
(howling)
- [Crow] (laughing) You
have got to be kidding me.
- Restore the power, it is ready.
- Hello, turn the power back on.
- Okay.
- [Tom] Jeez can I get you anything else,
how you fixed for socks and underwear?
It is not enough, it is not enough power.
- Can you boost the power
any, please it's not enough?
- I'll try to speed up the generator.
- [Crow] I'm doing everything
I can, Captain.
- [Grandpa] Derek seems to
- have some kind of weapon.
But it's not doing anything.
(howling)
(laughing and mock howling)
- [Crow] Oops.
Vapor action.
- [Derek] If only there were
- more power, Betty.
- Is there any way to generate more power?
We've got to have more.
- I can join in more circuits but it may
blow out the line.
- [Crow] Wait a...
- [Crow] She sounds like Derek.
- Try anything it's our only chance!
- [Joel] Well I could pull
this other power handle.
Oh yeah.
- [Crow] That'll do it.
- Oh! (howling)
(Tom makes mocking zap noises)
(laser humming)
- [Tom] There we go.
Rosebud, chh...
- [Crow] Goodnight sweet crustacean.
- [Joel] Gee, your hair smells terrific.
- [Betty] You can turn the weapon over
to the scientists now.
- [Crow] (high pitched humming)
There's someone who can
help you.
- [Derek] It is too late.
- You mean they're coming?
- [Joel] To take me away
ha ha.
- [Betty] Already.
- Your people are here for you.
I must leave.
- [Crow] My people will
go your people.
- But Derek you promised
you said--
- [Derek] I know what I
must do.
- [Joel] I have to take
- [Joel] a meeting.
- [Derek] You must not
- [Derek] Interfere.
- [Crow] Bye.
- Betty.
Than heavens you're all right.
- [Joel] And thank goodness
for the new generous cut
of my depends.
(muffled screaming)
- [Voiceover] That book has indeed
made you forget many things.
We are the supreme race.
We have the supreme weapons.
- [Crow] Ah turn Rush Limbaugh
- [Crow] Off.
- [Betty] Somehow I feel
that I've always known you.
That we've never been apart.
- [Joel] Boy this guy can
do a lot of great voices.
- [Tom] Pay no attention to
the man behind the curtain.
- [Joel] Whenever there's
a cop beating up a guy,
I'll be there.
- [Crow] Tomorrow is another day.
- [Tom] Ask not what your
country can do for you...
- How'd he get a weapon like that?
Makes me think of what the killer used.
- [Joel] Grandpa couldn't you sit in back?
- It is.
The same thing.
- But who is he?
Where did he come from anyway?
- Someplace none of us has
ever heard of before, Joe.
- What do you mean?
- [Joel] Choo-gee Chah-ee cong-foo.
- Clear from another planet.
- [Tom] Oh she came from planet Clare.
- Hey wait a minute.
- Betty this is no time to be joking.
- I'm not joking.
- [Joel] I'm doing improv.
- Where do you think
the monster came from?
And the man who was doing all the killing
and the unheard of weapon he used.
- [Crow] Big crab, sure,
but a man from space, ha!
- Whatever those people told
you they saw last night.
- The flying saucer?
And I thought those
people were seeing things.
- [Tom] Yeah a good reporter
really listens to people.
- Derek looked into the sky
just before he left here.
- [Tom] Look to the sky.
- Somehow he could tell
that more are on the way.
- [Crow] What a fruitcake.
(high pitched humming)
(whistling and snapping)
- [Tom] Woe looks like it took
them all night to get home.
- [Crow] Ah cripes, I need
a nap, I haven't had one
in 45 minutes.
- [Grandpa] He must be
- in the house, there's our car.
(gasps)
- Derek!
- [Joel] He turned into Bobby Goldsboro.
- [Tom] You know everything
works but the shoes.
Maybe those gloves.
- Goodbye Betty.
- No Derek, no!
- You are Joe?
- [Crow] I am not.
- I want you to take me
somewhere in your vehicle.
- [Tom] Disney Land.
- What makes you think I will?
- You refuse to take me?
- That's right, I'm staying right here.
- You will do as I say.
- Oh no, Derek, this isn't you.
- Do not interfere Betty, I beg you.
Get in.
- [Crow] No we can't have
- [Crow] a plot twist
this late in the movie.
- [Joel] Now listen if
I don't get in that car
I'm going to regret it, maybe
not today maybe not tomorrow.
But soon.
- [Derek] Take me to where
- they are keeping the prisoner.
- The killer?
- [Crow] No, the prisoner.
- He's at General Hospital but...
- Then take me there.
- [Tom] And I want to meet
Luke and Laura while I'm there.
- Joe don't the disintegrater it won't--
- Betty.
- [Tom] No run-on sentences.
- Trust me, Betty.
Trust me. (bouncy music)
- [Joel] Oh I like that,
they raced to the scene
but they park carefully.
- Looks like they haven't
transferred him to city jail yet.
What are you planning to do?
- Never mind.
- [Crow] I'm gonna try to
- [Crow] catch Oswald in
the parking ramp but...
- Just get out of the car
and walk in front of me.
- [Tom] Okay now wet your
lips and work that booty.
- [Joel] I have good posture, I know I do.
- [Crow] Hey do you mind!
- Do not move.
I will take the prisoner.
(Crow laughs) Get their guns.
- [Crow] This is the most
incompetent prisoner transfer
since Dallas, '63.
- Hand them to me.
Now get in.
- [Crow] Now dance, dance!
Do the two step! (whistling)
- [Tom] Jack Elaine everybody,
Jack Elaine. (applause)
- [Joel] Was it Wayne?
- [Tom] Elaine.
- [Joel] Elaine, Elaine.
- [Crow] Scootch over, I'll ride ray gun.
- You face the wall, keep
your hands above your heads.
- [Tom] Okay now shake 'em.
- I was stupid, Thor.
Very stupid, but that is over.
We are returning to meet the ships.
Together.
- Why do you let them live, kill them!
- There is no need.
They will be dead soon enough.
Along with everything else on this planet.
Go.
- [Tom] Like you've never go-ed before.
- [Joel] What's your dream Gramps?
(air raid siren)
- [Crow] Ah, first Wednesday of the month.
- Ships of an alien source
are approaching from the sky.
Radio contact has been
- [Joel] Man, this guy never
- attempted but cannot be
- [Joel] Sleeps.
- established.
Instructions are to prepare for an attack
by an unknown enemy.
- [Tom] Children lose the ability to walk.
- [Crow] Oh cripes look at that.
I'll never get my bulbs in.
- [Joel] Hold me.
- [Crow] Sure is pretty up here, eh.
- What made you think he was coming here?
(all three yawn loudly)
- They're coming.
- [Joel] To take me away
- [Joel] ha ha.
- He told me they'd be coming.
- Told me he wouldn't go back with them.
- [Crow] Looks like Grandpa's
got an elaborate network
of trusses under that sweater.
- Betty, let me take you back home.
- No Grandpa, look here comes Joe's car.
- [Joel] And as always
there's plenty of free parking
at the quarry.
- [Tom] The movie really
picks up from here doesn't it?
- [Crow] Everybody gets to
be a hostage in this movie.
- Betty, Gramps what are you doing here?
- Why do you concern yourself with them?
Destroy them!
- Why, Thor?
They cannot change what
is going to happen.
- What is going to happen Derek?
- [Crow] Subdivisions, inevitable,
Walmarts, mega-mall,
lots of them.
- [Derek] You must understand.
- [Joel] I'm a magic man.
- That death
- must come to all.
Sooner for some.
Later to others.
- [Tom] Scarecrow I'll
miss you least of all.
(high pitched humming)
- The guide ship is about to land.
We must go to meet it.
- You promised Derek, don't
you remember your promise?
- [Crow] Here's your stupid ring back.
- I have not forgotten it.
- [Tom] I had my feelers crossed.
- [Joel] But the, I, wha...
Oh poo!
- He called that the guide ship.
- [Crow] And they call the wind Moriah.
- It looks like there
are still a hundred more
still in the sky.
- What are they going to do?
- Derek told me.
- [Tom] I wish we could pan
- The other ships are loaded
- [Tom] over there but uh...
- with thousands of
those horrible creatures.
Like the one Derek killed today.
- Why are they bringing them here?
- [Joel] For Mr. Steak summer
time bake and clam bake.
- They're a safe distance
from their own people.
- And they don't care what happens to us?
- Derek cared.
- [Tom] Nope.
- He wanted to make the earth his home.
Promised he would never leave.
- [Crow] Oh your problems
are the most important
aren't they?
- [Betty] Oh Joe. (sobbing)
- [Tom] Hey Joe.
- I would have used the
disintegrater on them.
But it will not function
without energy supply.
- [Tom] You could-uh, didn't wanna.
- It was damaged when you crashed.
I had to bluff with it.
- It is just as well.
- [Crow] I sound like
Gilbert Gottfried.
- [Thor] They will be the
- first victims of the Gargon herds.
- [Joel] Ah your hair's
done Mrs. Anderson.
- [Crow] Oh great it's Mr. Torture again.
- So you were able to
bring him back, Thor.
- [All] Torture!
- He, brought me.
- I am sorry I
acted the way I did.
I am ready to take my punishment.
- There will be no punishment my son.
- [Joel] Well there's got
to be at least two more
Russian aviators in
that thing.
- [Derek] You are my father?
- I am.
I have watched your progress
since you were born.
You have excelled in all things.
I was most disappointed
- [Crow] Give me that beard.
- to learn that you were deserted.
I came this trip
hoping I would find you had returned.
- Any cough drops, Dad.
- [Derek] Has what I have done
- not disqualified me?
Am I still too--
- You are back, that is all that matters.
Your mistakes were made
- [Tom] We will kill
- because of that book.
- [Crow] the fattest calf now.
- It blurred your mind.
But only temporarily.
- [Joel] What?
Oh.
- [Derek] How is it you are
- able to leave the planet?
- [Crow] It's a spaceship
- will not the government
- [Crow] and you just sort of
- structure collapse
- [Crow] voom with the thing.
in your absence?
- We will return immediately.
As soon as the Gargon's are
unloaded from the fleet of ships
the people are unaware that I am gone.
- Yes we must leave quickly.
If your absence were discovered,
it would likely spark the
beginning of a revolution.
I am not the only one who
had that book, Father.
- Yes I know.
- [Tom] Well if you go carrying
- [Tom] Pictures of Chairman
Mao you ain't gonna make it
with anyone anyhow.
- [Leader] You will help us in
- hunting down others
who may have such books.
- Yes I see the fleet is approaching.
- [Joel] Made you look.
- They are flying from radio
signals from the guide ship.
Are they not?
- [Crow] Just a little torture!
- Let me be the one to
direct them in for landing.
- Captain are the ships
close enough to receive
their landing signals?
- Momentarily but you--
- Then go below, Derek.
You will bring them in.
- [Crow] I'm convinced he's turned bad.
- [Tom] Hey, wha, but what about torture!
- [Crow] Safely, so I'll
just be guiding them in,
no crashing. (nervous laugh)
- [Tom] Suckers, so long,
screw ya in St. Lew-ya.
- Derek, what are you doing?
Unbolt the hatch. (beeping)
- [Crow] Mom is that
you making that noise?
- Looked like Derek went in first.
- and closed the entrance way.
- [Tom] Are we still in this
- [Tom] movie?
- Whatever's in the sky
they're getting mighty close.
- Derek has some plan.
He's not doing what they
want him to, I'm sure.
- [Crow] Ah Karaoke, I'd like to sing
Rhinestone Cowboy.
- [Derek] Master Control
- to fleet, Master Control to fleet.
Increase speed.
Set flight pattern to
- [Tom] The papers want to know
- minus .08 increase speed.
- who's shirt you're wearing.
- [Crow] I impede you.
- [Leader] Open this door.
- The ships seem to be converging
and increasing their speed.
They cannot land.
- It is their plan to
have them land but crash!
They're coming right at us!
- Derek's doing it.
That's what he planned!
- [Tom] Moot.
- But he's inside there!
He'll be killed too.
- Get down inside the cave!
- [Joel] Oh lord, let it be quick.
- [Leader] Derek, think
about what you are doing.
Turn the ships around
before it is too late.
- Hold course steady.
- [Crow] Oh bite me dad you're
- [Crow] so embarrassing.
(high pitched hum and explosion)
- [Tom] Okay.
Oh look, Old Faithful.
- [Crow] They turned it into Mt. Vesuvius.
- [Joel] Kingsford tonight.
- [Tom] That is lake Whitley.
- [Crow] Ah the foley man
is frying up a burger.
- [Tom] Oh crimeny there's little chunks
of Derek everywhere.
- [Joel] Eh, toss Sparky into a bag
and let's get out of here.
- [Crow] It's beautiful up here, isn't it.
Joe do you want to get back together?
♫ Somewhere
♫ Over the ♫
- [Joel] It's his graduation photo.
- [Tom] Killed in Vietnam.
- [Joel] You know he first
had one taken with his
hockey uniform.
But he opted for that one.
- [Crow] Sing us out of
here Derek. (Tom hums)
- [Tom] Many of the mercury
players have never been
in films before, here are some of them.
- [Crow] Well let's go home,
I got a room to rent out.
- [Joel] Look to this day young graduate.
As you move on into your new life.
(inspirational music)
(doors sliding and thudding)
In today's experiment our
alien teenagers slenderizing
attractive space garb is
obviously a clever combination
of 30 dollar off the rack
fleet farm coveralls and just
the right amount of duct tape.
- Well our fall line is
out and weren't we just
the tinsiest bit inspired
by today's experiment.
- You bet! (laughs smugly)
So Cambot, our first medal please.
Inspired by the practical
frivolity of a Donna Karen,
here's Joel cavorting in a peppy jumper,
accented by red duct tape
piping for the right amount
of come hither sensuality.
I've taken a daring approach
for our fetching lad,
eh Mr. Crow?
- Oui oui monsieur.
But wait, isn't that gad
about gadfly Tom Servo
in my calf length tunic with
opaque legging striped with
bright but serious permacel gaffer tape.
(laughing)
- [Joel] Well now I wanted
to see Crow in something
a little coed that
absolutely screams fall.
And by golly didn't I
get a coverall meets polo
in this rugged tape
striped ruggard jersey.
With a khaki pant and a
touch of merry old England.
A what?
- [Tom] What, oh oh!
My turn.
And just in time for the cruise season.
And our little cruiser sports
my sassy nautical theme
in a navy coverall with
white gaffer piping.
It's cosseted for an easy feel.
And guess what bell
bottoms are back (laughs)
just in time.
Well you can swab my deck anytime sailor.
By the by you were a
dream at the shoot session
I'll work with you any old time.
- [Crow] Well from ship to shore, Tommy.
Now how many times has
this happened to you;
dinner, Mr. President,
tonight, why sure!
Now what do you do?
My versatile cotton broadcloth
with shiny gloss duct tape
lapels and accents comes to the rescue
with our little ingenue.
From chaos to Katy Bunkport in minutes.
- [Joel] And just in
time, evening may be Toms,
but the night belongs to Crow.
Wow.
My eyes can't help but
turn at the sight of this
- [Crow] Uh...
- [Joel] magnificent little nothing.
Yes it's classic
- [Crow] Uh uh Joel.
- [Joel] Netted slingshot--
- [Crow] Joel Joel Joel!
- [Crow] Okay Cambot!
That's enough that's enough!
Joel come on.
- [Joel] What?
- I thought we agreed
not to show that one.
Things got a little carried
away at the photo session.
We were discussing JFK the
film and one thing lead
to another and ha ha well..
- Honey if you've got
it, flaunt it, you know.
Well let's do a letter okay.
- Yes let's read a letter shall we.
- I thought you looked very well...
- Well this one says Dear Joe.
Let's put this up on still store Cambot.
It says, "My who family likes your shows,
"except my mom she hates the jokes
"you make.
"We all are fans except for her
"what should we do?
"The Ahmadi's San Jose, California."
And it shows an unhappy mom.
- Just tell mom to wait for
Laurence Welk to come back.
- Oh what a burn, that's
somebody's mother.
This next one comes from,
I'll put it up on the still store,
the Gamera Team University of
Kentucky College and Medicine.
"Dear Joel, Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy,
"a number of us here on
Earth at the University
"of Kentucky College and Med," stop it.
"Were greatly inspired
by the Gamera movie shown
"last year on MST, so inspired in fact
"that we named our pediatrics
ward team after Gamera
"himself and became
"the Gamera Team."
And let's show a picture of them.
And that's some of the young...
- [Crow] Not very good.
- [Joel] They'll be doctors
someday.
- [Tom] No it's fine.
- I feel secure and safe
knowing that they're going to be
practicing medicine on human beings.
- What do you think sirs?
- (laughs) And then the clam says,
"I thought I was a bi-valve." (laughs)
I see you've heard that one.
Oh, excuse me dear.
Joel I was just entertaining.
Until next time.
Uh, pour the wine and then
push the button Louie.
- Oui oui, monsieur.
(chuckling)
Help me.
- So have I told you I
have a man up in space?
No, literally I have a man up in space.
(regal synthesized music)
- When we return to our
planet the High Court
may well sentence you to torture!
♫ Next Sunday A.D
♫ There was a guy named Joel
♫ Not too different from you or me
♫ He worked at Gizmonic
♫ Institute
♫ Just another face
♫ In a red jump suit
♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place
♫ But his bosses didn't like
him so they shot him into space
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst we can find
♫ La la la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ And we'll monitor his mind
♫ La la la
♫ Now keep in mind
♫ Joel can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end
♫ La la la
♫ Because he used those special parts
♫ To make his robot friends
♫ Robot roll call
♫ Cambot
♫ Gypsy
♫ Tom Servo
♫ Crow
♫ You're wondering how he eats and breaths
♫ And other science facts
♫ La la la
♫ Then repeat to yourself
♫ It's just a show
♫ I should really just relax
♫ Oh Mystery Science Theater
♫ 3000 ♫
(doors sliding and squeaking)
- Okay what is it?
- It's the NBC Mystery Movie.
- Uh huh.
(both moaning and vibrating)
(gasping in relief)
- Thank you sir, may I have another?
- Oh sure.
- [Tom] Wait no he...
(groaning and buzzing)
- All right, oh hi everybody welcome to
the Satellite of Love I'm Joel
Robinson these are my bots
and we're doing a little
behavior modification up here
on the old Satellite of Love.
You see every experiment we do,
if you've been watching,
these two little robots always say
- [Both] NBC The Mystery Movie.
- When they see a flashlight in the film
and every time they say...
- [Both] NBC The Mystery Movie.
- They get a mild but memorable shock.
(groaning and vibrating)
(gasping in relief)
(groaning and vibrating)
(gasping in relief)
- Hey what was that last one for?
- Oh the last one was for, you know,
you did it the first time
and then you did it again the second time.
- Oh, right, go ahead.
- Wait wait wait; did what, did what?
- Said NBC Mystery Movie.
- D'oh!
(Crow laughs hard)
- Okay all right.
- [Crow] Take a taste
- of your own medicine, Doctor.
- Come on Dr. Skinner.
(evil laugh)
- [Crow] Dark it up.
(Tom screaming and vibrating)
- I taste copper.
Well we'll be right back.
- [Gypsy] Commercial staring
- [Gypsy] in five four three
- Okay let's get working on
- [Gypsy] two and check.
- the Stoop Sisters.
- No fair I got an extra jolt.
(bouncy music)
- Hi everybody, well it
looks like Mutt and Jeff
are in charge of the
invention exchange this week
- [Both] And...
- Joel as everybody knows
except maybe you, (laugh)
that the olfactory or sense of smell
is our greatest memory enhancer.
- Yes as opposed to accent seasoning
which is a flavor enhancer.
- Quite.
So now we have created the
worlds first scratch and sniff
report card.
- Exactly so one scratch and one smell
and parents are transported
back to those painful days
of junior high.
The scratch and sniff
report card kind of helps
take the edge off of getting a bad grade.
- Too true.
On account of the smells
kind of make them remember
what school was like then, there.
(laughing)
- Well put okay, let me see. (sniffing)
Say it's true.
It smells like a habitrail,
pungent.
- Exactly.
You're in biology class, silly.
Try the next one.
- Oh, okay.
- This is my favorite.
- Ewe!
It smells like, ugh,
burning acetate in old dutch cheese curls.
- It's extracurricular activities Joel
and you're an AV geek mister. (laughing)
Oh I joined that groovy gang let's watch
a documentary on something.
- [Joel] Oh okay,
- well this next one seems simple enough,
what could really happen? (sniffing)
Ah! Smells like that stuff
they put on throw-up!
- Oh ho, very observant Joel.
Turns out Leava Smithback is allergic
to pink coconut frosting.
Hence the vomit.
- Oh, but whatever,
you know this one you're holding down here
smells really good.
- Oh well, I'm glad you found it,
this is a special report card
my partner Tom and I developed
for expensive private
academies because, Joel,
privilege has its own odor.
What do you think sirs?
- Hey I wa--
- Joel.
Grades aren't important.
It's the SAT's that count.
Well now the good doctor
and I would like to make
a prediction about the next
big trend in entertainment.
Move over comedy clubs,
move over trendy discussion salons,
move over karaoke bars,
here comes ventriloquism.
Big broad sassy and brassy.
And now
deep 13 in association with
George Slaughter Productions
would like to present the
ventriloquistic stylings
of Dr. Clayton Forester
and his lovable sidekick
Resusci-Anni. (claps)
- Hello, this is Resusci-Anni.
We've secured over 2,000
of these previously owned
CPR demonstration dolls
and retrofitted them with
ventriloquist animations
in anticipation of the ventriloquist boom
of the 90's.
And without further ado,
it's time to sit back and laugh and learn
with Resusci-Anni. (laughing)
Well say hello to the nice folks Resusci.
- Hello nice folks.
- Oh uh, Resusci I implore you to be kind
and courteous to these
well meaning and clean
people here today.
- I wanna go find some chicks.
- But Resusci, you is a chick.
I-I-I said Resusci, you is a chick.
Oop, Frank,
something's wrong.
It, this looks like the big one.
I'll revive Resusci and
tell Joel about the movie,
you, you dial 911 while drinking water.
Your film today Joel is a uh,
a little film which stars no one,
it features a giant lame lobster
and uh, oh...
Breath two three four.
It's called Teenagers From Outer Space
and it is a spunky load of noodles.
- Boy is it ever out there.
- That's an odd taste.
Send them the movie, Frank.
- [All Three] Health class?
(yelling and alarm buzzing)
- We got movie signs!
(doors sliding and squeaking)
(muttering)
- [Joel] I can't get the stink out.
Oh is he any relation to Christie Love?
- [Tom] Get David Love.
- [Crow] Ah!
- [Tom] Argh!
- [Crow] According to
Erma Bombeck all teenagers
are from outer space.
- [Tom] Enough said.
(laughing)
- [Joel] That spaceship
looks like a sun hat.
- [Tom] I think it's a
photographer's umbrella.
- [Crow] It's a giant metal falsy.
- [Joel] No it's a divo hat.
- [Tom] Oh no it's a silo tower.
- [Crow] It's Audrey Hepburn's hat
from Breakfast at Tiffany's.
- [Joel] Guys it can be
all those things and more.
- [Tom] You're right, I like Joel's plan.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- [Tom] Let's work with Joel this time.
- [Joel] And?
- [Crow] Oh the great C.R Kaltenthaler.
(all three muttering religiously)
- [Joel] Oh I'm a writer,
produce, and director
but I really want to grip.
- [Tom] Uh, hmm?
- [Crow] Run Toto run!
(humming the Witch's
Theme by Herbert Stothart)
Oh it's Won Ton Ton the
dog that saved Hollywood.
Almost.
- [Crow] Pac Man.
(imitating Pac Man noises)
- [Joel] I am the egg man, oo-koo-ka-choo.
(dog barking)
(high pitched humming)
- [Tom] Ooh, no Michael Jackson alarm.
- [Crow] Sit.
- [Joel] Looks like the elephant
man in the 25th century.
- [Crow] Ray Liotta?
- [Tom] Ever since I was a kid
I always wanted to be a spaceman.
(sung) I know I'd go from rags to riches.
- [Joel] They came all
this way to go bowling?
- [Crow] Wow really old
teenagers from outer space.
- [Joel] Boy I could sure
go for a hamburger sandwich
and some french fried potatoes.
I'm a teenager after all.
- [Crow] Welcome to Death Valley Days,
the driver is either me or...
- [Tom] But they're all wearing V-Necks,
it must be student
council from outer space.
- [Joel] You know a fella
could get used to this,
yeah.
- [Tom] Cool, they got Marshall amps.
Custom heads.
- [Crow] I travel light just a makeup bag.
When TV repairmen walked the Earth.
(humming)
- [Joel] Hey it's Harry Connick Jr.
- [Crow] You know you won't
see costuming like this
until Marc Singer does V.
- [Tom] Or Thomas Pynchon does V.
- [Joel] I will pet him and
keep him and call him George.
- [Crow] Sad really.
- [Tom] Hungry?
Stay.
(rapid beeping)
Okay whose beeper is that?
- [Crow] Now I've got every
shade for every complexion.
- [Tom] Oh I see you have
a machine that goes ping.
- [Joel] Huh?
- [Tom And Joel] What?
Oh.
- [Crow] It's a multi-channel mixer!
- [Tom] It says so.
- Report preliminary findings.
- [Joel] I've taken my pills sir.
- 42 saturation degrees and 96 volumes.
- [Crow] A beer on the wall.
- Derek reporting.
- [All] Hi Derek.
- Ratio exceeding 71.4.
- Mora reporting,
diagonal adjustment reading
resisting structural forms
by 2.8.0 vernums.
- [Voiceover] Saul reporting.
- [Tom] Dog gone. (laughing)
- [Crow] Plays dead well.
♫ Shannon is gone they say
♫ She drifted out to ♫
- [Crow] Dry as a bone huh? (chuckles)
- [Joel] Hey I think I found
the top of your thermos.
- Surface register above
minimum requirements.
(Tom makes mocking noises)
- Go below and bring up
the oh-garg-on specimen.
Now the decision depends on its reactions.
- Wait Captain.
I have found evidence of
intelligent beings on this planet.
- Of what concern are foreign beings?
(Tom makes mocking noises)
- [Derek] Of none to you,
- Thor.
- [Crow] Cat fight. (laughs)
- Just as you were so
unconcerned when you destroyed
this small creature.
So bravely.
- It was no more than an insect.
- But it had life.
And that life you had to take
to satisfy your endless
hunger for killing!
- Silence, both of you.
- [Joel] He started it.
- Proceed, bring the Gargon.
- That will not be necessary Captain.
- [Crow] Mrs. Carmichael
put that laser down.
- Conditions here will be
reported as unsatisfactory.
- [Tom] Even disappointing.
- As they were on the other
- planets we have charted.
- By what authority--
- [Derek] You will prepare
- for take off.
The ship will leave
this planet immediately.
- According to our code of operating--
- [Crow] Men don't leave.
- You may forget the code
- of operations, Captain.
- [Joel] I'm the code of operations now.
- Beings could have made the
inscription on this metal piece
we shall not have the thousands
of Gargon's brought here
to destroy them.
- You have concern for foreign
beings over our mission
to locate grazing land
for our Gargon herds!
- [Tom] Thank you Captain Exposition.
- It is necessary as a reserve food supply
for our people.
- Our people.
- [Tom] Bah!
- We don't know our fathers
or mothers we're raised
in cubicles, the sick and
the old are put to death.
- It is the one and only way
to maintain the supreme race.
Have you forgotten--
- Our people have forgotten.
- [Tom] Um, maybe you should
have brought this up in group.
- For centuries,
but I have learned how it once was.
Families,
brothers and sisters,
there was happiness.
There was love.
- [Joel] Oh bite me, there was not.
- From where have you learned such things?
- I have read.
I have read from this book.
- [Tom] Oh, A Separate Peace.
- I discovered it and kept it hidden.
- [Derek] Somehow it survived
- [Crow] He's got the book.
- [Derek] the flames of the annihilators,
when our people were turned
into mechanized slaves.
Centuries ago.
- When we return to our
planet the High Court may well
sentence you to torture!
- [All] Torture!
- The High Court may judge
me after we have accomplished
our mission.
- [Crow] But the court of art
- and beauty will back me all the way!
- We will find an uninhabited
planet to which the herds
of Gargons may be shipped.
Without endangering civilized beings.
- Let me see that book.
- [Tom] I think what
our bright young friend
is trying to tell us is...
- You may have it.
- [Tom] It's called Iron John.
(all three humming in
mock suspenseful music)
- Bring up the Gargon.
- [Tom] I'll need an ipecac.
You were a fool Derek.
- [Crow] A mad wonderful fool.
- This book has poisoned
- your mind and you shall suffer for it.
- Captain.
If the Gargons are shipped here,
the inhabitants may destroy them.
That possibility alone makes it worthwhile
to locate an uninhabited planet.
- [Joel] He certainly is a
whisper-thin lad isn't he.
- Made you forget many things.
We are the supreme race.
We have the supreme weapons.
- [Tom] We have the supreme pizzas.
- Keep in under guard, Thor.
I will study the reactions
of the young Gargon.
- [Crow] I hate him I hate him I hat him!
- [Joel] Now I like you, Trevor,
but you're screwy you
got it, I'm the fellow
wearing the rosco see I like
games but they don't like me.
- Before the High Court has you executed,
you should be made to watch what happens
when we return here with the Gargons.
By the elements alone
they will grow to millions
of times their original size,
in less time than it takes
for the sun to rise and fall.
- [Crow] You mean a day?
- [Mora] It thrives Captain.
- [All] Thrive Captain, thrive.
- We shall return to our base
and leave the transport ships here.
Soon this planet will be
covered with full grown Gargons.
- [Crow] And I will rule the world!
- A safe distance from our planet,
yet their meat will be available
to us for the harvesting.
- [Joel] It's numscious.
- Repack the instruments.
- I shall radio back
the news of our success.
- [Tom] Derek, the sensitive space man.
- [Joel] You'll pay for this!
- Captain something has gone wrong.
- [Tom] Oh crimany what now?
- What, what has happened?
- [Mora] I do not know.
It suddenly fell limp
and now does not move.
- [Tom] Pull my finger.
- Assemble the instruments.
- Be quick!
- [Tom] Quiquag?
- [Joel] Hey maybe you
shouldn't have put him
in a snare drum.
- [Crow] Oh they're gonna get him cable.
- [Tom] Peter Annette had one of those.
- The atmosphere here
tested above minimum...
- [Tom] Wage.
- But the Gargon species
cannot live due to excessive
nitrogenic gas compounds
omitted in our preliminary
diagnoses.
- [Crow] Try saying that
- three times fast.
- Then this planet will
be reported as unsuitable?
- [Joel] Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Repack the instruments
and prepare for takeoff.
- [Crow] This bites.
- We will continue our search
in another solar system.
- [Joel] Yes, yes, yes.
- You will be presented to the
High Court with the evidence
against you.
- [All] For torture!
- Mort, Saul.
- [Tom] Mort Saul?
- Bind the prisoner
- and prepare him for
the isolation chamber.
- [Joel] What's the question?
- I will make contact with base.
- [Tom] Okay.
(bouncy music)
- He is escaping!
- [Tom] Whoop, gotta go, be back.
- No Thor. (laser hum)
- [Tom] Moses, Moses...
- How did he get free?
- He escaped from Saul.
I could have stopped him.
- Derek is to be brought back alive.
He is the son of our leader.
- Derek?
- I reported his actions
and was connected with
the leader himself.
- [Crow] Real nice guy.
- He told me this.
- He said Derek does not know.
- As the son of our leader the High Court
will pardon him.
- [Crow] Oh yeah he's a Kennedy.
- When the sky is light we
will begin to search for him.
- [Tom] It is light, what...
- [Mora] The Gargon, it is not dead.
- [Tom] I'm not dead, I'm getting better.
- It has revived.
- It flourishes!
The excessive nitrogenic gas
compounds shocked its system.
Now it thrives on the very same compounds.
- Then this planet is suitable.
- Completely.
I must resume radio-vision contact.
- [Tom] Pull my finger, pull my finger.
- Secure the Gargon by
expandable leg bands.
- [Joel] Expandable leg bands, yes sir!
- The size it obtains
by the time we return
will give us
- [Crow] Again with
an exact growth rate
- [Crow] the finger.
- to expect of the herds.
- [Joel] How much you getting
paid, Phil, why am I asking?
- At the rate the Gargon
is expected to grow,
what will prevent it from
tearing loose the leg bands?
And escaping from the caves?
- [Crow] Shut up Gomer.
- We shall be back before
- that happens.
Unless it should receive food in excess of
the atmospheric elements.
We will leave nothing
else for it to consume.
- [Tom] Well you've really
relieved me, thanks loads.
- [Saul] Thousands of beasts like that.
- [Crow] Keep me moist I
should be in water. (coughs)
- They will be harvested from the air,
so that there will be no danger to us.
- Let us be quick.
I do not like to look upon it.
- [Tom] Let us implement contractions.
- [Joel] Boo!
- Now that you report
the planet is suitable
for our purposes you are
to return here immediately
and prepare to leave the
transport ships there.
- [Joel] But sir, you're a hand puppet.
- Difficulty in our operations
should he communicate in any
way with the inhabitants.
Inferior though they may be.
- If we are to return now;
how can he be stopped?
- [Tom] Over.
- Leave your best man to
find Derek and inform him
he is my son.
I will join you on the return
trip to meet him there.
- He may be stubborn.
He has already threatened our lives.
- If that becomes the case he
he must be destroyed.
- [All] What about torture!
- They must be destroyed.
- [Captain] Your orders are complete.
- [Crow] Oh wow.
- [Captain] I shall send
- [Captain] my best man.
- [Tom] (whistling) Nothing, nothing.
- I heard the orders, Captain.
Let me--
- [Crow] Entertain you.
- find Derek.
- You will wait until
the sky is light enough
to begin the search.
- [Joel] It is light!
- We will leave now.
- And return here to meet you
when we bring the Gargons.
(birds cawing)
- [Crow] Go back to
your planet space teens.
- Do not fail, Thor.
- I shall not fail.
- [Crow] You'll fail, you cannot beat us.
We're the people we'll poop on you.
- [Joel] Run your fastest.
Jump your highest.
- [Crow] Huh, look at
that stupid jump suit
belted at the waist.
- [Joel] Hey.
- [Crow] Oops, yours is nice.
- [Tom] The loneliness
of the alien runner.
- [Crow] Life is simple
here in Grover's Corner.
(Tom humming joyfully)
- [Crow] Gee Davy.
(Tom humming joyfully)
(all three scream)
- [Crow] Don't do that.
- [Joel] Are you my daddy?
- [Tom] Jim Henson's Beretta Babies.
- [Joel] Let's watch as
an alien visits one of our
friendly Texaco stations.
- Can I help you sir?
- Yes, I...
- [Crow] Fill her up, please.
- Would,
would you tell me the meaning
of the inscription on this
metal piece?
- [Tom] What do I look like
- the Shell Answer Man,
oh, oh that's right, I am.
- Sparky, 1243 Willowcrest Drive.
That's just three blocks down
there and a few doors up,
you can't miss it.
- [Crow] Damn, illegal aliens.
- Hey.
Watch what you're doing there.
- [Joel] Ah, sorry Senator, sorry.
- Just trying to make
out what kind of clothes
that guy was wearing.
Looks like some kind of military uniform.
Wonder where he's from.
- Could be from Mars for all I care,
hurry up with that boy, will ya,
I haven't got all day.
- [Tom] Light a cigar, buddy.
Oh no he forgot to ask the
old person what a block was.
- [Crow] Excuse me, is
that a sansabelt jumpsuit?
- Hop in I'll give you a lift.
- Lift?
- Well it's a long way into town.
- [Tom] Town?
- Okay, it's all right with me if--
- Wait!
- [Tom] It's Vince
Carter, Sergeant Carter.
- [Crow] I'm looking for Sarah Connor.
- [Joel] Hey scootched
right next to the guy..
- Never saw a uniform like that before.
What brings you here?
- [Crow] Sugar-beet festival, you?
- [Derek] I am searching for someone.
- Maybe I can help you.
Know a lot of folks around these parts.
- [Derek] I am searching for
someone you could not know.
- [Tom] Oh a riddle huh.
What of them funny word
puzzles jokes, I like them.
- [Crow] Rubber Town,
community of the future.
- [Tom] This looks like a nice
place to bring your kids up.
- [Joel] Room for rent.
- [Girl] I put Sparky's
breakfast out 20 minutes ago,
Grandpa, and it's still here.
- [Grandpa] He's probably
still out chasing gophers.
- [Joel] Greet Winona. (whistles)
- You've come to see our room for rent?
- [Grandpa] What's that?
- [Girl] A fellow to see
the room for rent, Grandpa.
You show it to him won't you?
Joe will be by for me in a minute.
We're going swimming at Alices
and I haven't even changed yet.
- [Crow] Wait, I just came
to say I killed your dog.
- [Joel] You're Harry Connick aren't you?
- I'm Betty Morgan,
and this is my Grandpa.
- How do you do son?
- [Tom] Pull my finger. (laughs)
Your can't I'm kidding.
- [Grandpa] Just arrive
- in town?
Don't believe I've seen you around before.
- I just arrived.
- And
your name?
- Derek.
- Derek.
The empty room belonged
to my brother, Bud.
He's married now and lives upstate.
- Your brother?
You knew your brother?
- Did I know my brother?
That's a strange question to ask.
Grandpa raised us both since
kids after mom and dad died.
- I'm sorry, I...
it's just that I never knew
any brothers or sisters.
- Your mother and father
decided to play it smart
and avoid a lot of
squabbles around the house.
- Oh Grandpa. (laughing)
- I've
never knew my mother or father.
- [Crow] Oh boo hoo, look
I have got problems too!
- We'll take a look at the room,
and if you like it you're welcome to stay.
- It's this way, I'll show it to you.
- Hey I thought you were
getting ready to go swimming.
- Well that can wait.
- [Joel] Now that teen dream's here.
(laughing)
- [Tom] Ha ha, kill them.
(ominous music)
- What's the matter?
You act like you've never seen the inside
of an automobile before.
- What is this?
- The gear shift.
Where have you been all your life?
- [Crow] Where have you been all my life?
- Tell me what it is for?
- Now look mister,
I didn't offer you a ride
to give no driving lessons.
- Tell me!
- [Tom] Why do you look like Web Aston!
- I didn't mean anything.
Here's the clutch, when I
push it in I change gears,
low second and high.
- And to halt the vehicle.
- When I want to stop I
press the brake, right here.
- And this?
- The starter and ignition switch.
- And the fuel what does it use?
- Are you kidding?
Gasoline of course.
- [Joel] Of course, you
know for all its pitfalls
this movie educates as well as entertains.
Ever think about that?
- [Crow] Hmm, neat.
(doors thudding into place)
- You know Joel,
that old grandpa guy was way too nice
when he rented that room to
the teenager from outer space.
Real life landlord would
never be like that.
- Why yes things that happen
in the movies are different
from the way they happen in real life.
- Right Tom, so here from our
Look at the Lighter Side
Department we'd like to introduce
a new segment called,
Reel to Real. (laughing)
Let's check it out, move aside you guys.
You see.
See in reel life...
- Why you're offered a free
room and board until you can
get a job and pay back your rent.
- [Joel] In real life.
- If you're late with your
rent your room is padlocked
and you end up living
in a refrigerator box.
- [Joel] In reel life.
- Your roommate is a beautiful young woman
who fills your life with afternoon swims,
moonlit drives
and the promise of romance.
- [Joel] In real life.
- Your roommate is a
stinky high school drop out
who fills your life with head lice,
crusty laundry and furry
cans of spaghetti-O's.
- [Joel] In reel life.
- Your landlord is a rosy
cheeked cheerful old man.
- [Joel] In real life.
- Your landlord's a butane
addict who sneaks into your
apartment and looks through
your underwear drawer.
- [Joel] In reel life.
- There's a big fat drunk
guy sleeping on your couch.
- [Joel] And in real life.
- There's a big fat drunk
guy sleeping on your couch.
(laughing)
- These are just a few of the differences
in reel life and real life.
Stay with us on our
Look on the Lighter Side
department for some of those
every day befuddlements that come at us
in such a humorous way.
Like dieting.
I just look at a piece of
bread and I gain five pounds,
look at Crow here he
can eat 10 banana splits
and not gain an ounce, I hate him.
And Mondays what are you gonna do,
don't even talk to me till
I've had my coffee in the morning.
- I can't stand him
- [Joel] What about starting
when he's like this.
- [Joel] the car?
- Have you thought about it?
My hip hurts, why?
(bouncy music)
- [Tom] It's not right, it's not--
- [Crow] Oh shh!
- [Joel] What's he reading?
Prostrate World News?
- [Tom] Well that would be prostate.
- I asked him where he was from, Grandpa.
He just said he was from very far away.
- [Tom] Greenwich Village maybe.
- Well maybe he doesn't like
to talk about where he's from.
By the looks of his outfit,
I'd say he was raised in a
private school of some sort.
- [Crow] He must go to the
parochial school down the road.
- If he just got in to
town and can't pay the rent
until he gets a job or something, would...
- Well what do you say, young man?
What do you think of the room?
- [Tom] Tough room, huh?
- You will let me
live here with you?
- Well, sure.
That's why we have the sign up.
That's why you came here wasn't it?
- Not exactly.
- [Joel] Jeepers this
- [Joel] dog tag's a gold mine.
- I was just talking to Grandpa,
well if you don't have
the rent money right away
that could wait until he gets a job,
couldn't it Grandpa?
- Why sure, that's all
right with me Betty.
- [Tom] Sucker.
- But then if he doesn't like the room...
- I like it here.
Very much.
- [Tom] Yes thank you.
- I would like to stay.
- Fine.
I'll go out and take down the sign.
You can use the phone to
have your bags brought over.
- [Tom] You have a bell boy too?
- My bags?
I have nothing else.
- No other clothes or anything?
- We were not allowed to...
I mean.
- [Crow] I wet them.
- My uniform is all I have.
- Gosh you've got to have more than that.
Bud left some of his clothes
in the closet Grandpa.
Couldn't Derek use some of them?
- [Grandpa] Of course my dear.
Bud wouldn't mind a bit, I'm sure.
(car horn honking)
- Golly that's Joe.
- [Joel] He's from Venus.
- Put on whatever you like
- from the closet, Derek.
I'll be right back, make yourself at home.
- [Tom] Just stay out of my clothes.
- Hi there Joe.
- [Joe] Hi Gramps.
Betty I'm afraid I can't
make the swimming date,
not until later anyway.
Got a sudden assignment for the paper.
- Oh, gosh what now, Joe.
- [Tom] Riveting.
- I have a list of folks to interview,
say they saw a new
flying saucer last night.
- That sounds like it
might take you all day.
- I hope not, I'll call you
as soon as I get through okay?
- [Betty] Okay Joe.
- [Tom] Why don't you ask the
alien who's staying with you
about those...?
- I guess the reporters
life can be pretty hectic.
You never know when a
news story will break.
- I was just thinking.
- [Crow] No say it, don't spray it dear.
- I bet he would at that.
If you don't think Alice would mind.
- [Betty] You don't know Alice.
I won't be able to keep them apart.
- [Tom] (knocking) Help let
me out! (muffled screams)
- [Crow] Stay calm.
Act natural, can I interest you
in a Texaco Christmas Album?
(nervous laugh)
- Hey what's going on
in town anyway mister?
Convention or something?
- What?
- [Crow] I'm a treky.
- Well those clothes you're wearing.
I talked to a guy this morning
who was wearing the same
kind of outfit.
- Maybe the guy you're looking for, huh?
- You spoke to him?
What did he tell you, where did he go?
- Hey what's the matter with
you, hey take your hands
off me!
- [Crow] I work for Texaco!
- Who do you think you are anyway?
- Answer me before I destroy you!
- He came here with a dog tag.
Wanted to know about the
address and I told him
how to find it.
- Where, where did you send him?
- There was an address
on Willowcrest Drive.
- [Tom] It's prepay now mister.
- Show me how to get there.
- Just drive down there
about three blocks.
That's Willowcrest.
1243 it's only a few doors up.
- [Crow] Uh oh. (laser hum and gasps)
- [Joel] Oh, looks like a Jenny Craig ray.
- [Attendant] Somebody help! (laser hum)
- [Tom] Oh guess it's
a self serve now, huh?
- [Crow] Come on baby, no I'll drive now.
- [Joel] Rattle them bones.
- You don't have to put the
break on so hard, Derek.
That is unless you want us
to go through the windshield
every time.
- I've never piloted a
vehicle like this before.
I will try again.
- This time pull in there,
that's Alice's house.
- [Tom] Zanadoo, stately
home of Charles Fostercame.
Cost, no one can say.
- Oh, much better.
- Wait Betty.
- [Joel] You have toilet
paper on your shoe.
- When I came to your place,
it was because of...
- Yes?
- [Tom] I'm all
- [Tom] mixed up inside.
- I just arrived here,
I did not know where else to go but
everything was so strange to me I...
- [Crow] Well that's great
can we jut go in the house.
- I'm glad you came.
So is Grandpa.
- [Joel] S-grandpa?
- Without any family or friends
you wouldn't like it in a
hotel or any place like that.
Come on, I hope Alice can dig
up some swim trunks for you.
- [Tom] I have never
piloted swim trunks before.
(gaps)
- [Crow] Operator there's
a naked girl in my pool
and she's nude. (goofy laugh)
- Hi there.
- [Joel] Likewise I'm sure.
- Joe couldn't make it, Alice.
I talked Derek into coming along.
Derek, this is Alice.
- Derek.
Hey I like that.
Come on in the water's fine.
- [Joel] And so am I.
- He needs a pair
- of swim trunks I couldn't
find any at my house.
- No problem at all, he can
wear a pair of my fathers.
- [Joel] They got the support panel.
- We have the whole place to ourselves.
(all three making cat calls)
- Where are the trunks Alice?
- Hanging up right over there.
- [Crow] Earth girls are easy.
- Maybe you better put them
on with some clothes pins too.
Just in case.
- [Joel] Ooh, she makes
- [Joel] everything sound so dirty.
- Over there is the bath house.
What was that?
- Don't worry, I'll get it.
- [Tom] Probably just
a silly old plot point.
- It is what I wanted to tell you about.
The reason I came to your place.
When I did not know where else to go.
- Heck I thought it was
a 50 cent piece at least.
- [All] Derek killed your
dog, Derek killed your dog.
- It is.
That's Sparky's.
Sparky's dog tag.
Where on Earth did you find it?
- [Tom] Well, after caving
in his head with a shovel
I uh...
- One of them destroyed a small creature.
Later I found that.
Among the remains.
- You mean somebody killed Sparky?
Oh no Derek it can't be true.
Why would anyone want to kill Sparky.
- [Crow] 'Cause he was a schnauzer.
I hate those things.
- Tell me who did it Derek.
- They are gone now.
Only I remained.
- But I don't understand.
Where is Spar...
- [Tom] Key.
Sparky.
- Will you take me to where it happened?
- [Alice] I'll get
dressed and come with you.
- No Alice, please.
- [Crow] Don't get dressed.
- We'll see you later.
- [Joel] It's the News Review,
coming right at you.
(muffled screaming)
- Well well so Derek didn't
come into town alone.
If you're looking for
him he isn't here now.
He and Betty, that's my granddaughter,
they went over to the Woodwards.
Why don't you go on over there.
- [Joel] He's spritzing all over him.
- Yes.
How do I go there.
- [Tom] Let me count the ways.
- Straight on down the
street about three miles.
Just before you get to the park.
Got the biggest house
on the block down there.
You can't miss it.
- [Joel] Just like you can't miss me.
- Where you fellows from, anyway?
Don't believe I've seen
uniforms like yours before.
- [Crow] I like you Gramps,
that's why I kill you last.
- Well it doesn't matter, Derek
didn't say where he's from
either.
- [Joel] Have you met my granddaughter?
- You're probably anxious to see him.
- [Crow] Don't leave your
dog in the car on a hot day.
(humming)
- [Tom] (sniffing) Woof.
Sparky (whistles) here Sparky.
Sparks, Sparks, (whistles)
here boy, here boy.
- [Crow] Owy, ouch, ooh, sting
ah ooh ee ah burn.
- Where is he, Derek?
You don't mean those old bones?
You can see they've been
here for a very long time.
- What are you Louis
Leakey all of a sudden?
- It was among these remains
that I found the metal inscription.
- But this,
couldn't be Sparky.
- [Crow] Sparky had skin.
- I know he must have been here
and his collar tag fell off,
that's all.
- [Tom] Hey wake up and smell the collie.
- You are not familiar with
the focusing disintegrater ray?
- [Joel] Yeah, my aunt has one.
- It projects an isolated
beam which separates
the molecules of living
material in chain reaction.
- [Crows] It slices, it dices.
- All but the solids.
- The skeletal braces.
- Horrible.
- [Tom] Yet effective.
- And
you mean
Sparky,
but...
- Over there is what
happened when the same beam
was aimed at me.
It missed and...
- [Crow] Became a tree.
- [Derek] That is what is left.
- Good heavens, Derek.
You've got to explain it to me.
Why were they doing this?
Where were they from, how did you...?
- [Crow] Who took the
frames out of the film?
(bouncy music)
(panting)
- [Crow] Hello Uhura.
- Well hello.
- [Joel] At ease soldier.
- You are alone?
- Could be.
- Where are the others?
The ones who were with you.
- Why do you want to know that?
- Tell me where they are.
- [Joel] Ms. Hathaway the early years.
- Just tell me.
- They left here.
They're gone.
- Where did they go?
- I think you better get out of here
before I call the police.
- You will call no one,
you will do as I say.
- [Tom] Uh oh.
- That's what you think, Mr.
- [Tom] Who put Pat
Boons to stand in here?
- [Crow] This is bogus,
I'm going to the deep end.
- [Thor] I said you will call no one.
(laser humming)
- [Joel] Too much chlorine.
- [Tom] Yes folks proof
you can be too rich
and too thin.
- [Crow] Hey she just
changed into the same dress.
- [Joel] You decorated this
house whale and flowers?
- [Tom] Darn corns, oh, oh.
- [Crow] Hmm, Gramps started early today.
- [Joel] Oh Grandpa I
bought that Nyquil for colds
not for you to make Nyquil-ada's.
- [Joel] Dear Gramps, I cannot
continue to live this way.
- [Crow] And the post-it note was born.
- [Tom] Grandpa I left a
note for you by the phone
for when you wake up.
Grandpa, Grandpa.
- [Crow] Spiders,
spiders all over me oh...
- [Joel] It's Gramps,
he's got the flu again.
- Grandpa was asleep so
I left a note so he knows
where we went.
If I know Grandpa we'll be
back before he even wakes up.
- [Tom] If he ever wakes up.
(muffled screams)
(phone rings)
- [Crow] Oh, still getting (mumbling).
- [Tom] Hmm it's the New Jew Review
coming back at you,
it's quite an amazing
thing when the animals...
- Hello?
- Hello, Gramps, this is Joe.
Betty there?
- No, she and Derek went on
over to the Woodwards pool.
You can probably reach her over there.
- Derek, who's Derek?
- Oh you haven't met him yet have you?
- [Crow] He's Betty's new
regular Saturday night thing.
- Seemed like a nice fellow.
- [Tom] At first.
- The reason I called,
I wanted to tell Betty I
stumbled on to a double murder
story that may keep me longer, but,
well after I get the
story into the paper I'll
I'll go on over to
Alices and see her there.
- Double murder, Joe.
When was it, where?
- We're not sure yet Gramps,
there's only a couple
of skeletons.
- [Crow] And they're not
- [Crow] talking. (imitates rim shot)
- [Tom] Oh oh we don't
need to see that, no.
- Joe, Joe, I just found a note, Joe!
- [Tom] What do you know?
Hello Joe, what do you know?
Just got back from Cocomo.
(muffled scream)
- [Crow] I got it!
- [Crow] He looks like Ethal Waters.
(muffled screams)
- My golly, you missed them at the pool.
- [Joel] On a killing spree huh?
- Betty left me a note.
Now they've gone over
to the college to see
Professor Simpson.
- [Tom] Give me that.
- [Joel] Hey room 222.
(whistling)
You know school always smells
the same when you go back.
- [Tom] Yep, smells like shame, guilt,
and humiliation.
Hey Silvia Plath.
- Where can we find Professor Simpson?
- This is his office but
he hasn't come in yet.
- [Crow] It's Barbie's Malibu Dream Desk.
- It's just around the building.
- You may wait here if you like.
- No thank you,
we'll wait outside.
- [Crow] Your desk embarrasses us.
- [Tom] Tiny.
- [Joel] Now I'll show you my old locker.
I wonder if I still
remember the combination.
(humming)
- [Tom] Come on it's a nice day
for a white wedding.
(humming)
- [Crow] Ms. Hathaway Jethro
wants to be a rock star.
- Good morning Professor Simpson.
- [Tom] Uh call the burn ward pronto.
It's like a crispy George Gullible.
- I'll go down and see if they're ready.
- [Tom] Poor guy.
(Crow sings indistinctly)
- [Janitor] That's
Professor Simpson's office.
The third door down.
He's head of the science department.
- [Joel] Yeah if you throw
up or need some saw dust
just call me.
(muffled screams)
- He must be somewhere else on campus,
we better go back to his office and wait.
- Hello.
This is Simpson, science department.
- [Tom] What are you wearing?
- Put that down.
- What is the meaning of this?
- Do as I say.
- Who are you?
- Where is he?
The one who came with information for you?
- Who?
You are making some mistake.
- I am making no mistake.
- [Tom] Make no mistake.
Make no bones about it.
- [Simpson] I don't know what
- you're talking about.
- You will speak to no one else.
(laser hum)
- [Crow] Well that ray gun
works well but you can't
get the stink out.
- [Tom] Phew, I never toasted
somebody that old before.
(loud sigh of relief)
- [Joel] Smells like the
primate house in here, jeepers.
(grunting and straining)
- [Crow] Oh, wait a little ugh.
- [Tom] She was a fast machine,
she kept her motor clean.
- Yes I know he came in
right after you left.
- [Joel] Hold my calls will you, ha ha.
(scream)
- [Tom] I'll be taking lunch
here, Dot. (wicked laugh)
- Oh it's some kind of foolish joke.
I'm not gonna keep a job
where this sort of thing
goes on.
- [Joel] Is that the straw
that broke the camel's back?
- I want to believe what I'm
thinking isn't true, but...
- It was a focusing disintegrater.
- Then, whoever killed Sparky...
- [Crow] Used a focusing disintegrater.
- But you said they'd gone.
- For some reason they want to stop me.
Somehow we were traced here.
I want you to get in your
vehicle and go to a place
where you will be safe.
- But how could they...
Grandpa.
- [Tom] What?
- I left a note for
grandpa. (all three gasp)
They must have...
- [Joel] Oh, Grandpa squealed.
- I will go to your place.
- [Betty] No they may be
waiting for you there.
I can call Grandpa.
- [Crow] Here Grandpa. (whistles)
Here boy, here Grandpa.
Hey room for one buddy.
(snoring)
(phone rings)
- [Joel] Oh goody, somebody
needs a room. (yawns)
- Hello?
- Oh Grandpa, thank heavens.
Derek he's all right.
- Betty what is it
child, what's the matter?
- Grandpa, was somebody
there, somebody you told
we were at the college?
- [Tom] Yes.
- Did he find you okay?
- He's a murderer he killed
Professor Simpson, Grandpa.
He's after Derek and he's
probably on the way back
to the house right now.
- [Crow] Well does he need a room?
- But are the police--?
- Don't argue, Grandpa just
- [Crow] This call is coming
- get out of there.
- [Crow] from inside the house.
- We're going to the City
Hall police station right now.
Meet us there.
- Don't worry about me
Betty, I'll leave right away.
- [Joel] I'll pack a bag of
trusses and be out in; ah!
(muffled screams)
- I better call the police.
- [Joel] Nickels,
- [Joel] check for nickels.
- [Derek] With what
weapons are they equipped?
- Guns, why?
- [Derek] Guns that emit what?
- [Joel] Love, why?
- What do you mean?
- Bullets.
Centuries old invention against--
- Hello operator,
give me the police department, hurry.
- [Crow] Nobody expects
a Spanish inquisition.
Unique style weaponry, oh fierce surprise.
- [Joel] Wow this is pretty
nice I don't think I want
to destroy this house after all.
- [Tom] Boy sure is a nice place,
guy could really get a room here.
(hums) Sure would like to
rent one of these rooms.
(humming nonchalantly)
- Yes, we'll be there
right away, thank you.
- [Crow] Good I got a hair
appointment with Jose.
- I want you to go somewhere
else where you will be safe.
- Where's safer than the City Hall?
The police said they're going
to have armed guards waiting
for us on the front steps.
- [Tom] Neat.
I told them we'd be right there,
let's hurry.
- [Tom] Let's us hurry.
- [Joel] I'm scurrying.
- [Crow] I'm thinking
it's the New Jew View
coming (singing indistinctly).
(bouncy music)
- All right you guys the
waste receptacle's in position
are you ready?
- Roger, roger.
- [Joel] Okay I'm about
- to jettison the snacks into
space. (machinery rumbling)
- [Tom] Here they go.
(imitates machine sounds)
(all humming jolly music)
- There is no smoking in this auditorium.
And now we invite you to enjoy
(Tom and Joel humming)
our feature presentation.
(alarm sounding all three screaming)
- [Joel] We got movie signs!
(doors squeaking and thudding open)
(Tom humming)
- [Joel] Alien crossing.
- [Crow] Wow he's gonna
turn City Hall into
the Museum of Natural History.
- [Joel] (gun shots) Well I guess you can
fight City Hall, there you go.
- [Tom] (gunfire) Snap, crackle, pop.
Rico, Lee.
(laser hums)
- [Crow] Watch out he'll
turn you into a dead head.
- [Joel] Only a flesh wound.
- [Tom] Too late.
(gun shots)
(laser hum)
- [Crow] Ah, I'm hit Charlie, I'm hit.
- [Tom] What's that thing in his head?
- Derek no!
(grunts)
- [Crow] Oh! They're using
real bullets those bastards.
Cover me. (Tom laughs)
- [Tom] Oh, well, that
was fun now where were we?
Shall we chase him or
knock off for coffee,
what do you think?
- [Cop] He must have slipped
- off that way come on.
- [Joel] Go hang Bob
- [Joel] in my office.
- Stay under cover.
- [Crow] Under cover angel.
- [Joel] Hey, scoop.
Ha ha they went that way.
- [Tom] Jimmy Olsen here.
- Betty, thank the lord you're safe.
I just came from Alice's, there
was a skeleton in the pool.
- Alice? (all three gasp)
Oh no!
We came to meet Grandpa.
The murder came in the car with him.
- What?
But how did you...
get mixed up in this?
- Since he killed Sparky
out by the old mine...
- [Crow] She sounds like
Betty Boop all of a sudden.
- And he forced Gramps to drive here?
- [Joel] He is insane.
- Is he okay?
- [Betty] Yes.
- Oh there he is trying
to get across the street.
- [Joel] Stay Grandpa, stay.
- I'll go over and help him across.
- [Tom] That's the last boy scout.
- [Joel] I have often walked
down this street before
but I've never done it
packing heat before.
- [Tom] Hey.
- [Derek] What are you doing down here?
Go into the building
that is the safest place.
- [Crow] Hmm, what, what?
- [Betty] Look.
- [Tom] Pick a pepper sauce.
- [Betty] Here on the sidewalk.
Drops of blood.
- Betty, go into the building.
- [Crow] Warning sign,
- [Crow] ding ding ding.
- Derek.
- [All Three] Surprise!
- Give me the weapon you have Derek.
- [Joel] Hey it's a
tube of crest he must be
a cavity fighter.
- [Thor] One sudden move
- and I slay you both.
- [Crow] I'll tartar control
- [Crow] you!
- Derek do as he says.
- [Tom] What?
Nice luger.
- Get in!
- [Crow] Okay okay I'm getting in.
Jeez what a grouch.
- [Thor] You will take
me to a man of surgery
to remove the metal pellets from my flesh.
- [Joel] Well it's 2:30
they're probably all golfing.
- We must do as he says.
I know a doctors office,
we'll take him there.
- She is very wise.
- [Crow] What you like her?
- Now go!
- [Joel] And I want a
jolly rancher fire stick
when I'm done, too.
- [Crow] Watch your
space cushion, slow slow.
- [Grandpa] And that's
the way it happened.
- [Joel] I'm Walter Cronkite.
- [Grandpa] Next thing I knew
- he was trying to fire out
the window at Betty and Derek.
- [Crow] He's talking to Clifford Irving.
- Say where is Betty?
- [All Three] Where is Betty?
- That's funny.
She must be around someplace.
- But the car is gone.
They must have left without me.
- [Tom] Get the hint, Gramps?
- Well don't worry Gramps.
You'll get an escort home.
I'm going to phone the
story into the paper
and then drive out to the
old mine Betty mentioned.
- The old mine, what's out there?
- I don't know, that's where
she said Sparky was killed
by the guy.
- [Crow] How come I always
- [Crow] have to do the expositions?
- She didn't tell me about that.
- Hey Mac, over here.
Blood spots on the sidewalk.
- [Tom] Car's been bleeding here.
- That's it.
That's how the killer got away.
- In our car?
Then Betty and Derek...
- [Crow] Oh you guys aren't FBI
you're from Foreman and Clark.
- You've got to do something.
You've got to find them.
- [Tom] Nope.
- [Joel] A child in the city.
- This is it Derek,
that's Dr. Brandt there,
he looks like he's leaving.
- Stop him.
Block his path.
(muffled screams)
- [Joel] Looking good and feeling pretty.
- [Crow] Hey, you blocked my path.
- Is there some emergency?
I have a house call to make.
Office hours don't begin for another hour.
- [Thor] Go inside all of you!
- I say what is this?
- [Joel] And you say it rather woodenly.
- He's holding a gun on us, Dr. Brandt.
- [Tom] Where, oh I see it now.
- He wants bullets removed.
- I see.
- [Crow] Well I don't see but...
- You will need hospital
facilities for anything else.
- [Thor] Be silent and get inside!
You will remove the pellets here, now!
- Leave these people alone Thor.
- [Joel] He's so gentle.
- Where is our ship?
I will take you there.
- [Thor] No it is gone.
Do as I say!
- Derek please.
Doctor you must try.
- [Tom] Ah criminy, come on dummy.
I was going to a hat party.
Mine was the grandest of all too.
Big feather boa in the bag too.
- [Crow] Now you'll have to wait an hour,
it's standard procedure.
- [Joel] Oh sorry about the mess,
this kind of doubles as my
room, I just gotta clean
a few things up here.
- You'll have to lie down here.
I will prepare an anesthetic.
The pain will be great.
- I will not be drugged.
You will simply remove the pellets.
- [Joel] Well I won't be using this then.
- Both of you, sit there.
I shall keep you covered.
- [Crow] I did not say simon says.
- One treacherous move and
they pay with their lives.
Now proceed.
- [Crow] In iambic pentameter.
- [Tom] Shall I compare
thee to a fleshy wound?
- [Crow] Hey what's a
turkey roasting pan doing
in the office?
- [Tom] He dies he can make soup.
Hey you're put together all differently.
You're a willowy young thing aren't you.
- [Crow] He likes that.
- [Joel] Oh looks like
your popper's come up,
oh that's your nipple.
- Thor.
- [Tom] Yeth it isth very thor.
- Tell me why you have
been searching for me.
Must have been important for you to have--
- The Gargon are to be raised here.
- [Tom] Oh yeah the lobsters, I forgot.
- You could not be allowed to run free.
- But the specimen reaction was negative.
- It was verified positive
after you escaped.
The captain should have let me kill you
when I had the chance.
- And why didn't he?
- I saw him stop you when you fired at me.
- Because...
- [Joel] He likes the cut
- [Joel] Of your jib.
- He just learned that
- you are the son of our leader.
- [Crow] I'm David
Eisenhower that makes you
Julie Nixon!
- [Tom] Huh, a cigarette butt,
the hell's that doing in there?
- [Crow] Suddenly it's carnival of souls.
- [Tom] (gasps) Look, oh ah.
- [Joel] Yep come on.
- [Joel And Tom] Yes yes yes.
- [Crow] Come on baby come on.
(all three sigh disappointedly)
- Then if I am not to be killed,
why did you fire at me in the city?
- Your life or death was put in my hands.
A traitor doesn't deserve
to be our next leader!
- The only reason you do not fire now
is to force attention to your wounds.
When that is done...
- Proceed!
- [Crow] Oh okay, let's see here.
Remove funny bone, ha ha ha.
- [Joel] Well here's the
little bugger that was
causing all the trouble.
Okay hop down put your clothes on.
- You will need bandages.
- [Crow] I recommend
Sea Breeze astringent.
- [Joel] Hmm, no insurance, sad really.
Hot blooded check it and see.
- [Tom] Aunt Em, Uncle Henry,
you were there, and you and you and you.
- [Joel] Yeah all right all
right all right all right.
- [Crow] Yes yes yes.
Where was I on the night of the 14th?
- Come back!
I'll find you.
- [Joel] It's Brian Ferry
love is the drug for him.
- You're in here, I know you are.
- [Crow] But what am I?
- I'll find you.
- [Crow] And then you'll be it.
- [Tom] All right this
is your stop Grandpa,
out baby, out out out.
- My nurse, Ms. Moss,
she'll be arriving for office hours.
- [Joel] Boy the old guy
moves when he wants to.
- [Tom] Yeah good truss on him.
- [Crow] I've got to solve the jumble.
- I can hear you.
- [Joel] Tommy I can hear
you I can feel you near me.
- You cannot escape me.
- [Tom] I'm Charles Foster Cane!
- I will find you I'll
find you I'll find you!
- [Crow] There you are, you're
in a sailboat all of a; oh...
- [Joel] Oh here comes the S.S Nurse.
(Tom hums)
- [Tom] Here we go folks.
'Cause I'm a suck shooter shooting love
in your direction. (hums)
- [Crow] What?
Oh that doctor left
another young one bleeding
on the stoop again. (sighs)
- [Joel] Have you been waiting long?
- Dr. Brandt.
Dr. Brandt!
- [Crow] There's a dead
- [Crow] spaceman to see you sir.
(hums)
Snot is running down her nose.
- [Doctor] She's already left?
- [Tom] Okay goodbye then, oh...
Not very courteous.
- [Joel] Hmm, Wesson oil on a wound?
- [Tom] Yeah she's not
Florence Nightingale,
she's Florence Henderson.
(phone rings)
- [Crow] Oh, every time I'm about to swab.
(phone rings)
♫ Picture yourself on a train
♫ In the station
♫ And marsh smells ♫ (humming)
- [Joel] Don't ask me (phone
rings) I don't give a damn
next step is Vietnam.
(phone rings)
- [Crow] It must be that
nice Adam Rich boy calling
for his prescription again.
- Dr. Brandt's office.
- [Tom] I'm Dr. Franz!
- This is Dr. Brandt.
- Where are you Doctor?
There's an emergency patient here.
I've done all I can for him--
- Listen Ms. Moss.
He's a murderer.
- [Crow] Cause Pepperidge Farm
- [Crow] Remembers.
- [Doctor] We were fortunate in escaping.
You must get out of there.
- A murderer.
- [Tom] No I said murderer.
- Yes doctor, I'll leave immediately.
- You will come with me.
Put that down!
- [Doctor] Ms. Moss, Ms. Moss, what is it?
- [Joel] He doesn't have any insurance.
- [Crow] And don't lift a finger.
- What do you want?
- You will help me to escape.
Go out.
- [Joel] Wait a minute Ms. Moss,
just leave your bones by the door.
Ms. Moss, Ms. Moss.
- [Crow] Nobody asked for a ray
gun you put that right away.
- That vehicle.
Is that how you arrived?
- Yes, that's my car.
- [Tom] In style.
- Get in, you will take me where I say.
If you disobey you will be killed.
- [Tom] I hope your
bandages stick to your scabs
you little son of a...
- [Betty] The police are on
the way Dr. Brandt, they...
- It's no use.
I was too late.
They're gone.
- [Joel] I wasn't the fifth
- [Joel] caller.
- But how could he?
- You said he would be helpless that--
- Without aide.
But my nurse she didn't know.
She bandaged him, gave him an injection.
He revived.
- [Crow] Then they played Jimmy Hendrix.
- [Tom] Bad day at black rack eh?
- They might be able to do something.
- [Tom] No no, that would be telling.
- [Joel] Ladies and
gentlemen Charles Schultz
creator of Peanuts.
(applause and whistles)
- [Crow] Who are you again?
Oh my girlfriend, okay.
- [Joel] Oh have I got a nervous tummy.
- [Crow] The thinker.
- Don't worry Derek.
Thor will be caught.
They're sure to find him eventually.
- It is what I know is coming here.
- [Joel] Lend me a tenor?
- The Gargon, they are small when young.
- [Crow] But they'll crawl you.
- The size of this building
in no more than a day.
- But
can't you stop them?
- [Crow] Only if they're
willing to stop themselves.
- The only chance is to
duplicate the operation
of the disintegrater.
- [Crow] We'll need a shoestring
and a picture of Eve Arden.
- The men of science here
might be able to do it
if they could get Thor's as a model.
If only there was enough time.
- [Joel] You know those little dogs become
quite a tourist attraction round here.
- [Crow] Arf.
- You know I don't get
- this guy.
- [Tom] It's not a guy
- [Tom] it's a dog.
- He just seems to like killing.
- There's more to it than that, Joe.
There's something behind this.
Something we don't understand.
- [Crow] Like the new math.
- The weapon he uses it's unheard of.
Blasting flesh right off the bone.
- [Tom] Really a waste.
- Look at that tree over there.
Used it for target practice
by the looks of it.
- [Joel] That's pretty far fetched Bob.
- Let's take a look in the old cave.
- [Tom] Row row row, come on sing!
Row row row your boat.
- [Nurse] Where are we going?
- You've got to tell me.
- [Crow] So I know where
- [Crow] to turn.
- It is not far now.
- You can't escape, the
police will find you.
- Possibly they will.
- [Tom] It kind of looks like
- [Tom] a mountain now.
- It's barricaded in
- the mouth of a cave with you
as hostage and me with this--
- How long do you think
- [Crow] Sounds like heaven.
- you'll hold out that way?
- Long enough.
There will not be too long to wait.
- [Crow] Vertigo, Suspicion,
North by; ah you know.
- [Tom] Why do you seek
the living among the dead?
- Bring your flashbulbs up here.
This tunnel is black as pitch.
- Okay I'll be right up.
- [Joel] And it's filled with chili
it's a tunnel of chili like a
hormel hot dog. (man screams)
- [Tom] Gulfy's in there.
- [Crow] Should I bring more flashbulbs?
- [Joe] Mac!
- An intruder all ready.
- [Nurse] No!
I won't let you kill anyone!
- [Tom] You'll kill
someone over my dead body.
- I see you do not value your life.
- [Tom] Much.
- He's getting away, follow him!
- No.
- You dare refuse?
- [Tom] Hey hey that's
where I draw the line.
Pistol whipping.
- [Crow] Damn the tree, I hate that.
- [Joel] After him Scoob.
- [Tom] The reporter's
running away from the story.
- [Crow] Kind of like the
year of living sensibly.
- [Tom] You know you don't
see this shot in movies
very often do you?
- [Crow] No, uh, hmm?
- [Joel] This is just like misery.
- [Crow] What do you mean, this is misery.
- [Joel] Well said.
San Diego freeway, the early years.
- [Tom] Menopause can feel
like a speeding car chase.
- [Joel] I've got a headache this big
and it's got this movie
written all over it.
- [Crow] Woe he shouldn't be driving
without corrective lenses.
(screams)
- [Tom] It's May the Super Nurse Osborne.
Ooh.
(humming dramatic music)
- [Crow] Huh, what do
you know, valley parking.
- [Joel] How'd I do that?
- [Tom] Those easy spirit
pumps saved her hash.
- [Joel] Well she's fine but these stains
will never come out.
- Are you hurt badly?
- I
I don't think so.
- [Crow] Well then down the hill with you.
- Bruised, oh thank heavens it's over.
It was like nightmare.
- [Tom] Only it wasn't
- [Tom] aboard a pirate
ship with my; oh...
- What do you mean?
- Back in the cave,
where he shot at me.
Some kind of man-eating monster.
Poor Mac, the guy I was with.
I could hear the thing tearing him apart.
- [Tom] Sounded delicious.
- [Crow] Like Captain Crunh.
- Oh how horrible.
- What could it have been?
- [Tom] Sounded like soda crackers.
- Whatever it is, I'm afraid
the nightmare's just begun.
(bouncy music)
- Thor crashed just below here.
If that disintegrater is down
there I'm going to find it.
- Derek, I just thought.
- [Tom] Well stop that.
- The monster that escaped from the cave.
- [Joel] He could rent my brother's room.
- What I can't figure out is,
why did it escape when
it did, why not sooner?
- [Crow] Why do I love it like I do?
- But the man it consumed
increased its growth rate.
- [Tom] Stupid old man.
- How big will it be now?
- There is no telling.
- [Joel] Have you seen List-A-Mania?
- You stay here, keep the door closed.
- [Tom] Oh and if a strange
looking lobster comes knocking
ignore it.
- [Joel] Oh, there's the Rockford car
and there's the Starsky
and Hutch car and, wow.
- [Crow] Clothes by Charlie McCarthy.
- [Tom] Yeah no easter eggs here.
This hills have crabs.
- [Crow] I'm getting hot why
didn't he crack a window?
- [Tom] Derek,
Derek can I have the keys
so I can listen to the radio
at least?
- [Crow] Ah, queen ann's lace,
morning glory, buttercups.
- [Joel] It's Andrew Wyeth valley.
- No Betty go back, it's
too dangerous for you.
- We can find that thing
twice as fast if we both look.
(gasping)
- [Tom] Well as long as we're down here.
- You make me angry.
But I like you very much.
- In a moment the moon will
come from behind a cloud.
- [Crow] What is this a
Bergman film all of a sudden.
(Tom mockingly speaking foreign language)
- The light from your moon it will help.
- My moon?
Where are you from, Derek?
- [Joel] A place called studs-ville.
- [Crow] Population me.
- I think I know.
- I think I've known for some time.
- [Tom] You are one weird mama-jama.
- You're not from this world, are you?
- [Joel] You're from
the valley aren't you?
- I did not know how to tell you.
- [Crow] I'm from Jersey.
- Seems
impossible to believe.
- [Tom] Believe it, or not.
- You're so much like us.
- [Crow] Wait until you see my tongues.
- Grandpa when he was young.
- [Joel] Had a liver.
- And to think...
- We were made the same.
- [Tom] How inconvenient.
- The only difference is
that we were put on places
far far apart.
- [Crow] Oh now he's gonna sing
Ebony and Ivory.
- [Betty] What's it like,
- where you're from?
- Babies are raised
- [Crow] Like Disney Land
- like livestock.
- [Crow] without the rides.
- Parented by the most
perfect specimens of our race.
- [Tom] Sounds nice.
- If you become ill you are put to death.
- [Crow] Hmm, Massachusetts, Rhode Island.
- [Joel] So they're strict,
is that what you're saying?
- You won't be going back ever,
will you?
- I shall make the Earth my home.
And I shall never, never leave it.
- [Crow] And he'll realize
there are cuter girls at school.
- [Tom] Ever taste Gargon flesh?
- [Joel] Ever taste
Dr. Pepper lip smacker?
- [Crow] Love is cooling
in the sage brush.
- [Tom] Bluck-uh wow.
Oh.
Thought the nurse had grass stains, ooh.
- The moon has come from behind the cloud.
- [Joel] Done.
- [Crow] Hmm...
Cold, getting warmer.
- Derek.
The crickets.
- [Joel] We'll name the band the crickets!
- It's so quiet. (Crow
making cricket chirps)
- [Crow] Too quiet. (screams)
- [Tom] Oh here comes my mom!
- There it is Derek,
it was under a rock.
- [Crow] How fortunate,
- [Crow] this will simplify everything.
- [Joel] Uh, shrimp in the game.
- [Tom] Ah see if you can get that out.
- Run go start the motor,
hurry! (Gargon howling)
- [Tom] For the seafood killer in you.
- [Crow] It's a rocked lobster.
- [Tom] Woe woe turn
down the firebird sweets.
- [Joel] Bye Derek.
- [Tom] Woop, wrong way, there we go.
See ya kids.
- It's the most terrifying
thing I've ever seen.
- [Tom] And the lobster was bad too.
- Must have been damaged somehow,
when Thor was throne in the crash.
- [Crow] Thwone in the cwash?
- That thing would keep growing.
- [Joel] And the lobster too.
- What can stop it from wrecking the city?
- I may be able to repair the damaged part
of the disintegrater.
If I can we will stop the
Gargon and give the Earth
a weapon against invasion as well.
If only I can get it to work.
- [Tom] Will Derek get it to work?
Tune in next time.
- [Crow] Hey what's a
snipe look like anyway?
- [Tom] I'm Kirk Gowdy join
me and Phil Harris as we
go after big Texas Lobster.
- [Joel] Shoot first seek to
understand later my friend.
- (howl) What was that?
- [Crow] Snail diver, shoot it!
- Only a coyote.
- [Crow] Slamming in Sam Sneed.
- [Voiceover] There it is!
(screaming and Gargon howls)
(gunshots)
- [Joel] Oh that'll happen
you're bound to loose
a few of your hunting party right away.
- [Tom] Oh no and he reads
too. (yells in frustration)
- [Crow] Wow a lot of seeds
in this stuff.
- [Betty] Grandpa was so
- exhausted he fell asleep
with all his clothes on.
- [Joel] And then he soiled himself.
- Do you think you can fix it Derek?
- I have found the damaged part.
- [Crow] It's gonna cost you.
- Such a little thing.
- [Crow] It's a copper seven.
- And yet it has the power
to destroy as it does.
- It is worthless.
- [Tom] Oh it is a
- Unless I can figure out
- [Tom] copper seven.
- an energy substitute.
- Maybe it won't come
into the city, Derek.
- It will come to the city.
- [Tom] Yeah it needs to cash a check.
- For more food if nothing else.
- [Joel] Well then I
should set out some snacks.
- [Crow] Meanwhile at
the outhouse on the hill.
- [Tom] It's Mel Brooks in Life Stinks.
- [Joel] Know when to say
when, that's my motto.
- This Johnson at station 86.
- [Tom] My house just disappeared.
- There's some kind of a monster,
it suddenly popped up and
seemed to touch the sky.
- [Tom] Again.
- I have not been drinking.
(Crow burps)
- [Tom] Much.
- No I can't see it now.
- It must be behind the hills
but I'm getting out of here.
- [Crow] Gag.
- [Tom] Oh, come on old friend.
- The few remaining survivors
of the search party that was
attacked report that the
beast that they encountered
was many times the size
that they expected.
Indicating that the monster
has some strange power
of rapid growth.
An exact description was...
- [Crow] Take this come on
- [Crow] take it.
- [Crow] There's a piece of
green something between your...
Oh.
- A beast of seemingly gigantic
proportions has been sighted
lurking in the hills
due north east of town.
- [Tom] I don't have any pants on.
- Have called for military help.
Planes and troops are
expected to arrive within
the next two hours.
- [Joel] We got to roll.
- [Crow] And on the lighter
side. (dorky laughing)
- Cellars, bomb shelters as
directed by civil defense
administrators, I repeat...
(doors sliding and thudding)
- Is this your card?
Hey crow what's up?
- Oh just thinking, watching
the snack food drift by.
Nothing much ever happens around here.
Makes me realize how alone we are.
No what I mean?
Hanging in space like
a giant speck of food
floating in the ocean.
Sooner or later to be swallowed up
by some creature floating by.
Another day in paradise, yep.
Yep, yep.
- [Tom] There's a lot of deck isn't it.
- Come on what if there
is no supreme being.
Wouldn't that be a fine how do you do.
- Oh there's a supreme being all right.
- Well okay.
- Hey Tom what are you been up to lately?
- Red, oh well you know
me I try to ward off
my bell schwartz with my hobbies.
Red.
- Wrong.
- Well I finally finished off
that tri-star pegasus logo
we're gonna use in our next movie pageant.
- Oh really, that's great.
- [Tom] Yeah boy trying to
- get those little wings
to stick...(laughs)
- Well I'd really like to
see that sometime you know.
- Well sure you know I've
got it right down here.
- Hey guys there's a
ship coming into view!
- Ah Crow, you're plum loco
it's probably just some
big gummy bear from before.
- No no no.
It's a skull cruiser, it's
black and demonic and it spreads
darkness and death, cool.
- Crow you're so high; red.
Gummy bears are,
gummy bears don't spread
darkness and death.
Do they?
- And it's piloted by a ghostly figure
with a fowl continence and
deadly intent, (Tom laughs)
you guys got to see this.
- Oh for crying out loud.
- [Joel] No I think you're
- just seeing one of those
packs of Jordan Almonds
we shot out. (screaming)
(car horn honks)
- Hell's come a rockin' and I quit!
(rock music)
- [All] Boss.
Hooker headers and thresh pipes,
loafers and tweeters and bears.
- Oh my.
Hey guys check out the
hex field view screen.
Wow.
- [Crow] Oh cool.
(gasping)
- [Joel] What, I think he's
trying to tell us something.
- Oh man was that lame, boo!
Do over.
- [Joel] Seems like kind of
- a jip, man.
- That wasn't cool that was
the dumbest visitor ever.
- Well that janitor was pretty dumb.
- Well that's true, and the
guy with the thick glasses
he was.
- [Crow] Oh yeah yeah yeah.
- Hey uh Tom you know that
pegasus you were working on.
This horse is a cow.
- Does it really make a
difference. (cow moos)
- I don't think so.
We'll be right back. (cow moos)
(bouncy music)
- I can help, Derek, I'm going with you.
- Hey what's going on?
- [Crow] Skeleton was
three feet tall.
- [Grandpa] What's all
- the commotion about?
- Grandpa, Derek and I are
going out to the edge of town
wait for us here.
- First I must put the disintegrater
back together.
- [Tom] There's a lobster
- And then find
- [Tom] At the edge of town.
the proper tools.
- I can load the car with every
tool we have in the garage.
- [Joel] I can load my pants.
- Let us go.
- [Crow] Good, good good.
- [Tom] The Streets of San Francisco,
a Quin Martin production.
Epilogue.
- [Crow] What the heck,
before it was a little town
now it's the Hollywood hills.
I'm not going in the tunnel.
- [Tom] It's Sunday morning in Hollywood,
come on down to Bargain Clown.
- [Crow] She's cute. (Tom humming)
Hey where'd she go?
- [Joel] Too late to go swimming?
- [Joe] Why aren't you
in the cellar, Gramps,
with Betty?
- What makes you think
Betty's in the cellar,
she's out somewhere
- [Crow] She's not buried
- with Derek again.
- [Crow] down there with
- Everybody's supposed to
- [Crow] her mother.
- take shelter.
The monster from the cave,
it's approaching the town.
- Huh?
Then that's where they must have gone.
Those crazy kids.
Joe we've got to try and find them.
- You mean they...
- [All] Yes.
- Come on then, let's go.
- [Tom] Come on Joe, we've
got to go, me oh my oh.
- [Tom] What is parking, teach me
of parking.
- [Betty] Derek look.
- [Tom] What behind the flying lobster?
- Keep out of the way.
- [Betty] You can't cut live wires.
- [Crow] Derek, my door, Der; I'll do it.
(gasping)
- [Joel] Hmm what's this
button, ahh! (Tom buzzes)
- Operator, this is an emergency.
You must connect me with
- [Joel] Hello Spiegal?
- the city electrical
generating plant, hurry!
- [Joel] I think she's the
Wichita lineman, quick.
(phone rings)
- Generating plant.
- [Tom] Simpson here.
- Hello, please listen to
me, you must do as I say.
The monster is coming towards the town.
- [Crow] If you'd like to
speak to an operator press one.
- We have a weapon here that
might be able to stop it,
if we can connect it to the power line.
- Who is this?
- [Tom] Wait is this Bob?
- You have to believe me there's no time
to check with anybody.
- [Tom] Woe, time for my break.
- Up there, that looks like them.
Derek is climbing down a pole.
- And look what's coming,
we're not going to make it in time.
(howling)
- [Crow] (laughing) You
have got to be kidding me.
- Restore the power, it is ready.
- Hello, turn the power back on.
- Okay.
- [Tom] Jeez can I get you anything else,
how you fixed for socks and underwear?
It is not enough, it is not enough power.
- Can you boost the power
any, please it's not enough?
- I'll try to speed up the generator.
- [Crow] I'm doing everything
I can, Captain.
- [Grandpa] Derek seems to
- have some kind of weapon.
But it's not doing anything.
(howling)
(laughing and mock howling)
- [Crow] Oops.
Vapor action.
- [Derek] If only there were
- more power, Betty.
- Is there any way to generate more power?
We've got to have more.
- I can join in more circuits but it may
blow out the line.
- [Crow] Wait a...
- [Crow] She sounds like Derek.
- Try anything it's our only chance!
- [Joel] Well I could pull
this other power handle.
Oh yeah.
- [Crow] That'll do it.
- Oh! (howling)
(Tom makes mocking zap noises)
(laser humming)
- [Tom] There we go.
Rosebud, chh...
- [Crow] Goodnight sweet crustacean.
- [Joel] Gee, your hair smells terrific.
- [Betty] You can turn the weapon over
to the scientists now.
- [Crow] (high pitched humming)
There's someone who can
help you.
- [Derek] It is too late.
- You mean they're coming?
- [Joel] To take me away
ha ha.
- [Betty] Already.
- Your people are here for you.
I must leave.
- [Crow] My people will
go your people.
- But Derek you promised
you said--
- [Derek] I know what I
must do.
- [Joel] I have to take
- [Joel] a meeting.
- [Derek] You must not
- [Derek] Interfere.
- [Crow] Bye.
- Betty.
Than heavens you're all right.
- [Joel] And thank goodness
for the new generous cut
of my depends.
(muffled screaming)
- [Voiceover] That book has indeed
made you forget many things.
We are the supreme race.
We have the supreme weapons.
- [Crow] Ah turn Rush Limbaugh
- [Crow] Off.
- [Betty] Somehow I feel
that I've always known you.
That we've never been apart.
- [Joel] Boy this guy can
do a lot of great voices.
- [Tom] Pay no attention to
the man behind the curtain.
- [Joel] Whenever there's
a cop beating up a guy,
I'll be there.
- [Crow] Tomorrow is another day.
- [Tom] Ask not what your
country can do for you...
- How'd he get a weapon like that?
Makes me think of what the killer used.
- [Joel] Grandpa couldn't you sit in back?
- It is.
The same thing.
- But who is he?
Where did he come from anyway?
- Someplace none of us has
ever heard of before, Joe.
- What do you mean?
- [Joel] Choo-gee Chah-ee cong-foo.
- Clear from another planet.
- [Tom] Oh she came from planet Clare.
- Hey wait a minute.
- Betty this is no time to be joking.
- I'm not joking.
- [Joel] I'm doing improv.
- Where do you think
the monster came from?
And the man who was doing all the killing
and the unheard of weapon he used.
- [Crow] Big crab, sure,
but a man from space, ha!
- Whatever those people told
you they saw last night.
- The flying saucer?
And I thought those
people were seeing things.
- [Tom] Yeah a good reporter
really listens to people.
- Derek looked into the sky
just before he left here.
- [Tom] Look to the sky.
- Somehow he could tell
that more are on the way.
- [Crow] What a fruitcake.
(high pitched humming)
(whistling and snapping)
- [Tom] Woe looks like it took
them all night to get home.
- [Crow] Ah cripes, I need
a nap, I haven't had one
in 45 minutes.
- [Grandpa] He must be
- in the house, there's our car.
(gasps)
- Derek!
- [Joel] He turned into Bobby Goldsboro.
- [Tom] You know everything
works but the shoes.
Maybe those gloves.
- Goodbye Betty.
- No Derek, no!
- You are Joe?
- [Crow] I am not.
- I want you to take me
somewhere in your vehicle.
- [Tom] Disney Land.
- What makes you think I will?
- You refuse to take me?
- That's right, I'm staying right here.
- You will do as I say.
- Oh no, Derek, this isn't you.
- Do not interfere Betty, I beg you.
Get in.
- [Crow] No we can't have
- [Crow] a plot twist
this late in the movie.
- [Joel] Now listen if
I don't get in that car
I'm going to regret it, maybe
not today maybe not tomorrow.
But soon.
- [Derek] Take me to where
- they are keeping the prisoner.
- The killer?
- [Crow] No, the prisoner.
- He's at General Hospital but...
- Then take me there.
- [Tom] And I want to meet
Luke and Laura while I'm there.
- Joe don't the disintegrater it won't--
- Betty.
- [Tom] No run-on sentences.
- Trust me, Betty.
Trust me. (bouncy music)
- [Joel] Oh I like that,
they raced to the scene
but they park carefully.
- Looks like they haven't
transferred him to city jail yet.
What are you planning to do?
- Never mind.
- [Crow] I'm gonna try to
- [Crow] catch Oswald in
the parking ramp but...
- Just get out of the car
and walk in front of me.
- [Tom] Okay now wet your
lips and work that booty.
- [Joel] I have good posture, I know I do.
- [Crow] Hey do you mind!
- Do not move.
I will take the prisoner.
(Crow laughs) Get their guns.
- [Crow] This is the most
incompetent prisoner transfer
since Dallas, '63.
- Hand them to me.
Now get in.
- [Crow] Now dance, dance!
Do the two step! (whistling)
- [Tom] Jack Elaine everybody,
Jack Elaine. (applause)
- [Joel] Was it Wayne?
- [Tom] Elaine.
- [Joel] Elaine, Elaine.
- [Crow] Scootch over, I'll ride ray gun.
- You face the wall, keep
your hands above your heads.
- [Tom] Okay now shake 'em.
- I was stupid, Thor.
Very stupid, but that is over.
We are returning to meet the ships.
Together.
- Why do you let them live, kill them!
- There is no need.
They will be dead soon enough.
Along with everything else on this planet.
Go.
- [Tom] Like you've never go-ed before.
- [Joel] What's your dream Gramps?
(air raid siren)
- [Crow] Ah, first Wednesday of the month.
- Ships of an alien source
are approaching from the sky.
Radio contact has been
- [Joel] Man, this guy never
- attempted but cannot be
- [Joel] Sleeps.
- established.
Instructions are to prepare for an attack
by an unknown enemy.
- [Tom] Children lose the ability to walk.
- [Crow] Oh cripes look at that.
I'll never get my bulbs in.
- [Joel] Hold me.
- [Crow] Sure is pretty up here, eh.
- What made you think he was coming here?
(all three yawn loudly)
- They're coming.
- [Joel] To take me away
- [Joel] ha ha.
- He told me they'd be coming.
- Told me he wouldn't go back with them.
- [Crow] Looks like Grandpa's
got an elaborate network
of trusses under that sweater.
- Betty, let me take you back home.
- No Grandpa, look here comes Joe's car.
- [Joel] And as always
there's plenty of free parking
at the quarry.
- [Tom] The movie really
picks up from here doesn't it?
- [Crow] Everybody gets to
be a hostage in this movie.
- Betty, Gramps what are you doing here?
- Why do you concern yourself with them?
Destroy them!
- Why, Thor?
They cannot change what
is going to happen.
- What is going to happen Derek?
- [Crow] Subdivisions, inevitable,
Walmarts, mega-mall,
lots of them.
- [Derek] You must understand.
- [Joel] I'm a magic man.
- That death
- must come to all.
Sooner for some.
Later to others.
- [Tom] Scarecrow I'll
miss you least of all.
(high pitched humming)
- The guide ship is about to land.
We must go to meet it.
- You promised Derek, don't
you remember your promise?
- [Crow] Here's your stupid ring back.
- I have not forgotten it.
- [Tom] I had my feelers crossed.
- [Joel] But the, I, wha...
Oh poo!
- He called that the guide ship.
- [Crow] And they call the wind Moriah.
- It looks like there
are still a hundred more
still in the sky.
- What are they going to do?
- Derek told me.
- [Tom] I wish we could pan
- The other ships are loaded
- [Tom] over there but uh...
- with thousands of
those horrible creatures.
Like the one Derek killed today.
- Why are they bringing them here?
- [Joel] For Mr. Steak summer
time bake and clam bake.
- They're a safe distance
from their own people.
- And they don't care what happens to us?
- Derek cared.
- [Tom] Nope.
- He wanted to make the earth his home.
Promised he would never leave.
- [Crow] Oh your problems
are the most important
aren't they?
- [Betty] Oh Joe. (sobbing)
- [Tom] Hey Joe.
- I would have used the
disintegrater on them.
But it will not function
without energy supply.
- [Tom] You could-uh, didn't wanna.
- It was damaged when you crashed.
I had to bluff with it.
- It is just as well.
- [Crow] I sound like
Gilbert Gottfried.
- [Thor] They will be the
- first victims of the Gargon herds.
- [Joel] Ah your hair's
done Mrs. Anderson.
- [Crow] Oh great it's Mr. Torture again.
- So you were able to
bring him back, Thor.
- [All] Torture!
- He, brought me.
- I am sorry I
acted the way I did.
I am ready to take my punishment.
- There will be no punishment my son.
- [Joel] Well there's got
to be at least two more
Russian aviators in
that thing.
- [Derek] You are my father?
- I am.
I have watched your progress
since you were born.
You have excelled in all things.
I was most disappointed
- [Crow] Give me that beard.
- to learn that you were deserted.
I came this trip
hoping I would find you had returned.
- Any cough drops, Dad.
- [Derek] Has what I have done
- not disqualified me?
Am I still too--
- You are back, that is all that matters.
Your mistakes were made
- [Tom] We will kill
- because of that book.
- [Crow] the fattest calf now.
- It blurred your mind.
But only temporarily.
- [Joel] What?
Oh.
- [Derek] How is it you are
- able to leave the planet?
- [Crow] It's a spaceship
- will not the government
- [Crow] and you just sort of
- structure collapse
- [Crow] voom with the thing.
in your absence?
- We will return immediately.
As soon as the Gargon's are
unloaded from the fleet of ships
the people are unaware that I am gone.
- Yes we must leave quickly.
If your absence were discovered,
it would likely spark the
beginning of a revolution.
I am not the only one who
had that book, Father.
- Yes I know.
- [Tom] Well if you go carrying
- [Tom] Pictures of Chairman
Mao you ain't gonna make it
with anyone anyhow.
- [Leader] You will help us in
- hunting down others
who may have such books.
- Yes I see the fleet is approaching.
- [Joel] Made you look.
- They are flying from radio
signals from the guide ship.
Are they not?
- [Crow] Just a little torture!
- Let me be the one to
direct them in for landing.
- Captain are the ships
close enough to receive
their landing signals?
- Momentarily but you--
- Then go below, Derek.
You will bring them in.
- [Crow] I'm convinced he's turned bad.
- [Tom] Hey, wha, but what about torture!
- [Crow] Safely, so I'll
just be guiding them in,
no crashing. (nervous laugh)
- [Tom] Suckers, so long,
screw ya in St. Lew-ya.
- Derek, what are you doing?
Unbolt the hatch. (beeping)
- [Crow] Mom is that
you making that noise?
- Looked like Derek went in first.
- and closed the entrance way.
- [Tom] Are we still in this
- [Tom] movie?
- Whatever's in the sky
they're getting mighty close.
- Derek has some plan.
He's not doing what they
want him to, I'm sure.
- [Crow] Ah Karaoke, I'd like to sing
Rhinestone Cowboy.
- [Derek] Master Control
- to fleet, Master Control to fleet.
Increase speed.
Set flight pattern to
- [Tom] The papers want to know
- minus .08 increase speed.
- who's shirt you're wearing.
- [Crow] I impede you.
- [Leader] Open this door.
- The ships seem to be converging
and increasing their speed.
They cannot land.
- It is their plan to
have them land but crash!
They're coming right at us!
- Derek's doing it.
That's what he planned!
- [Tom] Moot.
- But he's inside there!
He'll be killed too.
- Get down inside the cave!
- [Joel] Oh lord, let it be quick.
- [Leader] Derek, think
about what you are doing.
Turn the ships around
before it is too late.
- Hold course steady.
- [Crow] Oh bite me dad you're
- [Crow] so embarrassing.
(high pitched hum and explosion)
- [Tom] Okay.
Oh look, Old Faithful.
- [Crow] They turned it into Mt. Vesuvius.
- [Joel] Kingsford tonight.
- [Tom] That is lake Whitley.
- [Crow] Ah the foley man
is frying up a burger.
- [Tom] Oh crimeny there's little chunks
of Derek everywhere.
- [Joel] Eh, toss Sparky into a bag
and let's get out of here.
- [Crow] It's beautiful up here, isn't it.
Joe do you want to get back together?
♫ Somewhere
♫ Over the ♫
- [Joel] It's his graduation photo.
- [Tom] Killed in Vietnam.
- [Joel] You know he first
had one taken with his
hockey uniform.
But he opted for that one.
- [Crow] Sing us out of
here Derek. (Tom hums)
- [Tom] Many of the mercury
players have never been
in films before, here are some of them.
- [Crow] Well let's go home,
I got a room to rent out.
- [Joel] Look to this day young graduate.
As you move on into your new life.
(inspirational music)
(doors sliding and thudding)
In today's experiment our
alien teenagers slenderizing
attractive space garb is
obviously a clever combination
of 30 dollar off the rack
fleet farm coveralls and just
the right amount of duct tape.
- Well our fall line is
out and weren't we just
the tinsiest bit inspired
by today's experiment.
- You bet! (laughs smugly)
So Cambot, our first medal please.
Inspired by the practical
frivolity of a Donna Karen,
here's Joel cavorting in a peppy jumper,
accented by red duct tape
piping for the right amount
of come hither sensuality.
I've taken a daring approach
for our fetching lad,
eh Mr. Crow?
- Oui oui monsieur.
But wait, isn't that gad
about gadfly Tom Servo
in my calf length tunic with
opaque legging striped with
bright but serious permacel gaffer tape.
(laughing)
- [Joel] Well now I wanted
to see Crow in something
a little coed that
absolutely screams fall.
And by golly didn't I
get a coverall meets polo
in this rugged tape
striped ruggard jersey.
With a khaki pant and a
touch of merry old England.
A what?
- [Tom] What, oh oh!
My turn.
And just in time for the cruise season.
And our little cruiser sports
my sassy nautical theme
in a navy coverall with
white gaffer piping.
It's cosseted for an easy feel.
And guess what bell
bottoms are back (laughs)
just in time.
Well you can swab my deck anytime sailor.
By the by you were a
dream at the shoot session
I'll work with you any old time.
- [Crow] Well from ship to shore, Tommy.
Now how many times has
this happened to you;
dinner, Mr. President,
tonight, why sure!
Now what do you do?
My versatile cotton broadcloth
with shiny gloss duct tape
lapels and accents comes to the rescue
with our little ingenue.
From chaos to Katy Bunkport in minutes.
- [Joel] And just in
time, evening may be Toms,
but the night belongs to Crow.
Wow.
My eyes can't help but
turn at the sight of this
- [Crow] Uh...
- [Joel] magnificent little nothing.
Yes it's classic
- [Crow] Uh uh Joel.
- [Joel] Netted slingshot--
- [Crow] Joel Joel Joel!
- [Crow] Okay Cambot!
That's enough that's enough!
Joel come on.
- [Joel] What?
- I thought we agreed
not to show that one.
Things got a little carried
away at the photo session.
We were discussing JFK the
film and one thing lead
to another and ha ha well..
- Honey if you've got
it, flaunt it, you know.
Well let's do a letter okay.
- Yes let's read a letter shall we.
- I thought you looked very well...
- Well this one says Dear Joe.
Let's put this up on still store Cambot.
It says, "My who family likes your shows,
"except my mom she hates the jokes
"you make.
"We all are fans except for her
"what should we do?
"The Ahmadi's San Jose, California."
And it shows an unhappy mom.
- Just tell mom to wait for
Laurence Welk to come back.
- Oh what a burn, that's
somebody's mother.
This next one comes from,
I'll put it up on the still store,
the Gamera Team University of
Kentucky College and Medicine.
"Dear Joel, Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy,
"a number of us here on
Earth at the University
"of Kentucky College and Med," stop it.
"Were greatly inspired
by the Gamera movie shown
"last year on MST, so inspired in fact
"that we named our pediatrics
ward team after Gamera
"himself and became
"the Gamera Team."
And let's show a picture of them.
And that's some of the young...
- [Crow] Not very good.
- [Joel] They'll be doctors
someday.
- [Tom] No it's fine.
- I feel secure and safe
knowing that they're going to be
practicing medicine on human beings.
- What do you think sirs?
- (laughs) And then the clam says,
"I thought I was a bi-valve." (laughs)
I see you've heard that one.
Oh, excuse me dear.
Joel I was just entertaining.
Until next time.
Uh, pour the wine and then
push the button Louie.
- Oui oui, monsieur.
(chuckling)
Help me.
- So have I told you I
have a man up in space?
No, literally I have a man up in space.
(regal synthesized music)
- When we return to our
planet the High Court
may well sentence you to torture!