Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 3 - City Limits - full transcript

♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ Next Sunday, AD

♪ There was a guy
named Joel ♪

♪ Not too different
from you or me ♪

♪ He worked
at Gizmonic Institute ♪

♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit ♪

♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place ♪

♪ But his bosses
didn't like him ♪

♪ So they shot him
into space ♪

♪ We'll send him
cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst we can find
-♪ La-la-la

-♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor
his mind ♪

-♪ La-la-la

-♪ Now, keep in mind,
Joel can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪

-♪ La-la-la

-♪ Because he used
those special parts ♪

♪ To make his
robot friends ♪

-♪ Robot roll call

Cambot!
-Pan left!

-Gypsy!
-Hi, girl!

-Tom Servo!
-What a cool guy!

-Cro-o-o-ow!
-What a wisecracker.

-♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts
-♪ La-la-la

♪ Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show ♪

♪ I should really
just relax" ♪

♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪

[Indistinct conversation]

-Hi, everybody.

Welcome to the Satellite
of Love.

My name is Joel Robinson.

These are my robots,
Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo.

What you guys doing?

-Well, we were just trying
to remember

what it was
that Bunny Rabbit used

to always try to get
Captain Kangaroo to say.

-Oh, ping-pong ball.
That's what he always --

-Whoo, yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

-Yeah! Whoo!
-Good one!

-Whoo!
-All right!

[Laughing]

-Wow, those have been up
there for months.

-Whoo-hoo-hoo.

♪ Every time it rains,
it rains ♪

[Laughing]

-Commercial sign-in in five,
four, three, two.

Commercial sign-in.
-Ah.

♪♪

-Help me.
-I got Crow T. Robot eyes.

Oh, say, hi, Crow.

What you doing?
-Can't find my eyes.

-Well, have you
looked over there?

-Oh, thanks, I didn't think...

Would you --
I don't have any eyes!

Jeez!

-Jeepers creepers, Tom,
you've got Crow's peepers.

Now give them back.
-Tom, give me those.

Can't you see
what I'm going through?

-Why, yes, I can see,
as a matter of fact.

I can see better than ever!

-Oh! Grr!
-Quiet, you guys.

Sonny Terry and Brownie McGhee
are calling.

-♪ You sing, I sing,
you sing whenever I sing ♪

♪ I sing whenever I sing
whenever I sing ♪

-Quit clowning around up there

and get on with the invention
exchange, Crocodile Kangaroo.

[Sniffs]

-Well, sirs, our invention
exchange this week

is based on the premise
that more

and more people
are becoming vegetarians.

This means warehouses full of
gamey forced beef products.

What are you going to do
with all that steak?

Make a fun friend.

-Like this little guy,
Mr. Meat-And-Potato Head.

-Yeah, that's right.
-That's rare, isn't it?

-We've taken
the Mr. Potato Head

concept and fleshed
it out literally.

For example, here's beef

spokesman James Garner
as Mr. Brisket Head,

and he comes with his
own little Rockford Camaro.

-And of course, there's
the suave and continental

Sir Beef Wellington Head.

-Oh, is the great
Sir Beef Wellington Head

going to grace us
with his presence?

-Yeah, and for all those
smart shoppers

that have already
been vegetarians,

there's Mr. Stuffing
Instead of Potato Head.

What do you think, sirs?

-Stuffing instead of potatoes?

Honey, I love you.
-Meat is murder, Frank.

Speaking of conserving waste,

just because your British
pop sensation's career

has gone stale
doesn't mean that he has to.

That's why we've invented
the Tupperware container

to lock in pop star freshness.

Who's our stale singing
sensation, Frank?

-Well, it's none other than
British pop star Morrissey.

He's a little depressed.

So Morrissey, uh, how you doing?

-He hurt me with that remark.

Did I mention that I cried?

-Well, I mean, come on,
Morrissey,

I mean, we're basically evil,
granted, but a lot

of what we say around here
is just good-natured ribbing.

-Well, it hurt me.

Did I mention that I cried?

Is it wrong
not to always be glad?

-Well, we seem to have got you
at a bad time.

Like Morrissey, Joel,
your experiment this week

comes from that shameful decade
known as the '80s.

It's a film called
"City Limits,"

and it stars James Earl Jones
at the low point in his career

and Kim Cattrall
at a high point.

It also has Robby Benson
and Rae Dawn Chong

doing things
they're not happy with either,

and now, to prove that
our Tupperware coffin

really locks
in pop star freshness,

Morrissey is going to honor us
with a song.

Aren't you, Morrissey?

-This is a song
I wrote at a time in my life

when I was very, very, very sad,breakfast actually.

It's called
"Hairdresser in a Coma."

♪ I cried last night

♪ I died a million deaths

♪ Thinking of your sweet face

♪ And the way you sing

♪ I cried inside

♪ We lied and died

♪ And then I cried again

♪ I must have wept for hours

♪ 'Cause I couldn't
cry no more ♪

♪ But I lied inside

♪ We cried and died and...

[Alarm blaring]

[All screaming]

♪♪

-"City Limits" sounds like
a clothing store

for high school girls.

-15 years from now,

Dick Clark
will still look the same.

-Wow, this film moves fast.

A minute ago we were
in the credits.

Now we're 15 years
in the future.

-Wow.

-You know, 15 years from now
is really depressing.

-Well, they still have
SuperAmericas.

-Yeah.

-Okay, we're at grandma's,
wake up, come on.

-That's a lot of fabric to wear
on a cycle.

-Someone has been digging
in the remnant pile big time.

[Gunshot]

-Oh, "Austin City Limits."

-I said, "It's prepay after 10."

-Leeland!

-This is CNN,

"Get Off My Land."

-Okay.

It's okay.

-Okay.

-Oh, it's
the Doc Severinsen gang.

-Hey, I found Ed Begley Jr.
Can I keep him?

-Where are we?

-We're home.

-♪ Oh, there's no place like
home for the Holocaust ♪

[Laughs]

-Oh, Mr. Potato Head.

-I know, it's CNN, right?
Uh-huh.

-Damn, boy, I told you
to find adventure.

I didn't say drag it home.
-Ugh.

-These are the Clippers.

-Neat.

-No, don't hit me, Mr. Jones!

-If I knew what
he was getting into,

I never would have let him go.
-He's throwing his voice.

He's a ventriloquist!

-I knew you were not the kind
to run without a fight...

-Or fight --
-...and by the looks of it,

he and his friends
had taken a beating.

-Jill Kinmont in "The Other
Side of the Movie."

-I raised Leeland since
the plague took his parents.

-Hey, turn the bass down.
Oh, that's his voice.

-Most of the adults were killed
by the plague

and left a world of orphans
to die off from lack of care.

-They were known
as "the bitter ones."

-You know, just when you get
good at skiing, it's spring.

Isn't that the way?

Yeah.
-He had me to help him along.

Together we came
through it okay.

-Hey, it's becoming
a "Windham Hill" album cover.

-We lived by ourselves away
from the troubles for years,

but finally it was time for him
to make his own life...

-[Imitates motorcycle]
-What, here?

-...so I cut him loose
to find adventure.

-Hi there!

-That's not Rae Dawn Chong.

-I don't think so.

-Stop or the horse gets it,
I mean it!

-Hi, I'm Max.

-Kim Cattrall.

-Oh.

I can't get there,
they keep freeze framing me.

-I know what you say,
a nice skull.

-Don't be afraid.
I'm just big boned.

-Ugh.

-I like the skull better.

-Could say he's out
of his skull now.

-Ohh.
-Thank you.

♪♪

-I'm going to get me
a piece of bottom land.

♪♪

-Ah!
Va-voom.

-Someday this will
all our be our--

Oh, it is ours.
-Ohh.

♪♪

-"Petticoat Junction."

-Yeah, this movie is moving
slower than Uncle Joe.

-Would you guys mind
if I open my umbrella here?

I just thought --
-Well, actually, we kind of do.

-Hey.

-You never know when
something...

You know, you're always curious.

-Hey!
-Oh, for crying out loud.

-Is this impolite
to keep it --

to keep the umbrella open
while we're...

Hmm.
That's kind of weird.

-Hey, we've got to drink
out of that water.

-It's like Hot Tubs 2.
-Where are you going?

-I'm going to the city.

-Going to get you some clothes.
-What for?

-I'm going to be a Clipper.

-[Chuckles]

-There's no such thing,
the Clippers.

-He got dressed awful fast.
-Yeah, there is.

-Well, I'm nude, so never mind.

-Hey, wear your other skull.

We need to rinse that one out.

He's going to leave all of this?

-Hey, my clothes!

-I guess you could call
this cheesy rider.

-Yeah. Hmm.

They must have
a mandatory skull law.

-Yeah, I think so.

-Robby Benson.
-Oh.

-[Vocalizing]

-♪ Goldfinger

♪ Warren Goldberg

-Hey, we found the title.

-He was heading for the city.
He had the idea in his head...

-In his skull.

-...that there was
new life there,

that kids had banded together
and survived by scavenging

and foraging
in the deserted streets.

-After the robot holocaust.

-These kids
were called the Clippers,

and Leeland was out
to find them.

-And they're a real sharp
gang, real boosters.

-Ooh.

They used to be called
the Cost Cutters.

-[Vocalizing]

♪ Pull my finger

♪ Butterfinger

-Aah!
-Aah!

-Whoa! Shazam.

-Looks like the sets were
designed by Edward Hopper.

-Or Frank Gehry.

-Look, apparently,
they're trying to pass this off

as being written.
[Chuckles]

-There's got to be a cash
machine around here somewhere.

-Filmed on location
in Mazomanie, Wisconsin,

over by the new high school.

-Sounds like "Love Me Do."

♪♪

-[Humming]

-He's giving himself a ticket.

-I can't get this
through my thick skull.

-[Chuckles]

-Whoa.

-Hey, you're really stupid
if you get hit

by a car afterthe apocalypse.

-[Imitates motorcycle]

-Oh, I get it,
soundtrack by Gerry Rafferty.

-Oh, darn.

It's copyrighted.
-Oh, shoot.

-Look, it's Louis XIV's
warehouse, the Sun King unit.

-Oh.

♪♪

-But Leland had no idea

that there was a new sickness
in the city...

-It's called apathy, man.

-...outsiders sent in
to take control.

-Kim Cattrall.
-Hey, take it easy.

-Hey, I'm not really
a skull, lady.

-I'm not really an actress.

-May we help you?
-Yeah, I would like her.

-Move away from your vehicle.

-Uh-oh.

-It's the Orkin army.

-Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!

And there will be lots more
exciting scenes like this.

Anybody got a clue
what this is about?

-Mnh-mnh.

The cheese phone.

-I wonder what
the red one means.

-1-900-Talk-to-Robby.

This is Robby Benson.

What are you wearing?
-Uh, yeah, your girlfriend,

just threw
something off a bridge.

-I'm sure it's nothing.
-Make sure it's taken care of.

-Okay, yes, sir.

-Ooh.

-Boy, I like my after-school
paper route.

Sell "Grit"
and get this cool helmet.

It's great.

-The three bikers
of the apocalypse!

-Are you guys the Clippers?

-No, we're color consultants.

-Oh, there must be
a chain gang.

-Aah!

-Was that a yes?

-[Blows whistle]

-Hey, Red Skeleton.

-Yeah.

-[Sighs]

♪♪

-[Vocalizing]

-Ooh, action.

-Courageous cat
and motor mouse.

-They're trying to kill me.

I guess I'll park.

-You thought that was scary?

What about this? Ha ha ha ha!

-Hey, bald head, come here!

-Go there.

[Thud]

-How are you?

-Oh, I make a nice living.
You?

-Hi, I'm --
-Out of line.

-Hey, Ernie.

-Yeah, Bert?
-Send him back.

-Fish it, Bert.
-It is Bert and Ernie.

-He's ours now.
-I've got to go, got to go.

Got to go.

-Jeez, he's being terrorized
by the cast of "Fame."

-Something wrong?

-Is this your engine?

[Car horn playing tune]

-The queen!

-Roach coach.

-Bring out your dead.

-Uh-oh, it's the Leno gang.

♪♪

-Oh, damn, we overshot him.

It's so fricking dark,
I couldn't see him.

-Clippers.
-Leathers by Bob Mackie.

-How you doing?

-He's the one?
This is Superman?

-Shaken, not stirred.
-It's little Bobby Hepburn.

-He is.
-Whitey, Whitey, Whitey.

-You'll want to wash that hand.
-He's wearing a sheep.

How come you wear a sheep?

-Sheep didn't need it no more.

-[Bleats]

-[Laughs]
-[Speaks French]

-Sheep didn't need it no more.
-Mapplethorpe?

-Ooh.
-What do you want?

-I don't want nothing.
-Hey, that's my...

-I've got something
for you guys.

-What?
-What's that?

-Me.
-[Laughs]

-We already have one of you.
-Where are you from?

-I'm from the desert.
-On a horse with no name?

-Go back.

-What?
-Hmm?

-What?
-Whoa, whoa, okay.

-Hey, I come a lot of miles.
-Yeah, I know.

-For a lot of camels.
-Riding down

a couple prey pigs
don't make you Clipper.

-Hey, those were my parents.
-We ain't looking for nobody.

-Yeah, the position is filled.
You would be bored.

It's mostly dead entry.

-Even if we was,
these kids was born here.

-Oh, that's Michelle Shocked.
-What did you expect, balloons?

-You need a concept wardrobe
like me.

-Come on, Frankie,
off the bike.

-Well, so what was
that whole hitting me

with chains thing all about?

-That's a super charger
on there.

-Super super charger.

-Cool.

-Go on home, cowboy.

-Oh, so you think, like,

your dad could sign
my "Big Bambu" album?

-Wow, look at what
he's missing out on.

-All this.

-It's the guys from "Kansas."

-There's a big pile of Bob
right there.

-Yup, he's looked better.

-Okay, 5 minutes, everyone.

-Oh, it's heavy.
Oh, oh, oh, it's heavy, oh.

-[Speaks indistinctly]

-Who?
-The cowboy.

-Whitey, do ever see a rod
twisted like that?

-Guy is a big "Who" fan.

-Looks like
a "Bay City Roller" guy.

-Hey, England wants
its flag back.

-What mook?

-Hey.

Hey, you got a name?
-Yeah, I've got a name.

-Harley Davidson
and The Marlboro Man.

-I want it.
I want it.

I want it. I want it. I want --
-I want it.

-Don't try anything.

-Uh-oh, mandatory bussing.
-Ohh.

-Looks like you're
over the line, Bert.

-Are we?
-One toke.

-That mook killed Bob.
-What?

-Shut up.
-Is he Clipper?

-What about Bob?

-Ohh.
-Aah.

-Ow!

-Oh, now he's
a Vienna Boys' Clipper.

-Ouch.

-You okay?
-I can walk.

♪♪

-It's the Candy Striper Gang.
-Physician, heal thyself.

-Let's go! Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!

-I can't get down.
I'm stuck up here, help me.

♪♪

-You meet the nicest people
on a Honda.

-"CHiPs" 15 years from now.

-Boxes! Hoo-hoo-hoo.

♪♪

-Sounds like
every Kenny Loggins song.

-I'm tired of the running
and the hiding.

♪♪

-Footloose.

-Cool.

-Oh, jeez, I told you to floss.

-Okay, you can puke now.

-Ohh.

-Look at that.

-Gee, I'll lose an arm,
you'll really crack up.

-What's so funny?
-You're bleeding on my...

-This guy is just funny.
He can't explain it.

He can't explain it.
He's just funny.

-Jeez, he'll pass a stone
in a minute.

That will make you howl.

-What?
-My name, Yogi.

-You know, picnic basket,
Boo-Boo, all that stuff.

-I'm Lee.
-Say.

-Where are we going?

-Oh, going to hell
in a handbasket.

-You know, if they were
to drive in better-lit areas,

they wouldn't run
into such hoodlums.

-Right.
-You're right.

This is neat.

♪♪

-♪ Purple rain, purple rain

-Oh, a prop shop.

-Hey, Mick, these fit you?

We found a whole bunch down
by the tunnel.

-The clown shoes are in.
-Wow.

-All you got to do
is cut the toe part off.

-Hey, uh, talk to Scooter.
He's got big feet.

-Scooter, he's funny.
-I don't need it.

It's no good.

-Horshack,they're your Girl Scout cookies.

-Get out of here.
-No!

-Yes!
-No means no!

-Yes!
-No!

-Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What's this?

-This is food.

-It's pussy nibbles.

-It's good.
-Oh, come on.

This is so offensive
on so many levels.

-We don't eat cat food.
-Why not?

-Because we ain't cats!
-Doh!

-Womp womp womp waah.

-See, the first thing is cats
have four feet,

and they've got fur.

-I thought I would give you
guys another chance.

-What happened?
-We had a turn with the DA.

-Yeah?

-Oh, you should have
been there.

-Where'd she get this
Liz Claiborne pantsuit

in the apocalypse?
-He killed Dirty Bob.

-What?
-He killed him.

-Wait a minute.
That's not the way it happened.

-Hold it, hold it.
-Let's go.

-Let's take this out.

-I miss Kim.

-These guys were chasing me.

-Mook, after you.

-Hey!

-Hello, good day.
Happy to see you.

I, Crow T. Robot,
have penned a little diddy

in honor of the star of today's
experiment, Kim Cattrall.

It's called "Oh, Kim Cattrall"
by Crow T. Robot,

sung by Crow T. Robot.

It's marked allegro con brio,
Kochel listing 643.

[Clears throat]

♪ Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall

♪ Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,
Kim Cattrall ♪

♪ You were in "Mannequin," and
that was a really good movie ♪

♪ Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall,
Kim Cattrall ♪

♪ Kim Cattrall

♪ Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall,
Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall ♪

♪ Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall,
Kim, Kim, Kim Cattrall ♪

♪ You've never made a bad film

♪ Oh, what the hell?

♪ Ring my bell,
let's go to the Dells ♪

♪ Our relationship will gel

♪ I like your smell,
you're really swell ♪

♪ I'm Charlton Heston
for ConTel ♪

♪ I love you, Kim

♪ I liked your dress
at the Ace Awards ♪

♪ Cattrall

And now a short scene from
"Mannequin" by Crow T. Robot.

Well, I didn't really write it.

I wish I had.

Anyway, okay.
You guys ready, huh?

-Ready.
-Okay. All right. Hit it.

-Switcher.
-Oh, Joel.

-Switcher.
-Do the voice.

You're ruining it for me.
-Okay.

Uh, Switcher,
you are one sick puppy.

After him, Rambo.

-Woof!
Woof! Grr!

-Okay, now quick, go get intoyour James Spader costume, yeah.

-Switcher, I am going
to clean your clock.

I kind of like that.

It's pretty good, isn't it?
-Come on, play right.

-I'll never leave you.
-Oh, Gypsy, not yet.

-Switcher, you are
one sick puppy.

Switcher!

♪♪

Switcher!

-You guys just
don't understand.

-Switcher.
-Those are the boundaries.

Now, the truce has got rules.

-Rules in a knife fight?
-No guns.

We don't use them.
They don't use them.

Yeah.
-Hey, look in the back.

It's the audience
interest curve.

-No more killing.

-Hey, that guy was chasing me.

-Yeah, but you were over
in his territory.

-Ray is going to want him back.

-What?
-Ray is the head of the DAs.

-The Shaggy DAs?
-Well, I don't care who he is.

You can tell him
he can't have me.

-You just can't do that.

You're not even a Clipper.
You're just a mook.

-You're nothing.
-Oh, yeah?

Well, you're a dumb head.

-Back where you came from, you
may be something, but here...

-No, not really,
pretty much squat there, too.

-I don't see any other way
but to give you up to him.

-Hey, Mick, you ever read
"Insect Man Number 47"?

-Oh, yeah, it's a really good,
great graphic novel.

-An eye for an eye?
-A tooth for a tooth.

-Look, make money
selling "Grit."

-Oh, maybe.

-What?

-Go get Ray.

Tell him we got
the Cowboy for him.

-Oh, the movie is going
to get confusing now.

-Yeah.

-Going to have to
make this look good.

-It's Huggy Bear
and the Kabuki Kids.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Hello, I'm Antonio Fargas.

I'll be your foppish foil
for the next hour.

-Ray.
-Mick.

-What did you call me?

-Here he is.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
David Copperfield.

-He don't look like much.
-He ain't.

-We wrapped him up for you
and everything, Ray.

-That's nice.

-Why don't you have
a seat, Ray?

-No, we've got to go.
-We've got --

We've got a wedding to go to.

-Ray, you ever read
"Insect Man"?

-Whitey, you don't take
your arm off of us,

we're going to break it.
-Us?

We feeling a
little cranky, Sybil?

-Did you?
-Of course.

We read them all.

We've got the biggest collectionin the city.

-How about 47?
-That's the one with Boomerang.

-No, that's 42.
-Yeah, right.

-Oh, no, that's where Jughead
eats a lot of hamburgers.

-Uh, 47 is the one where
this alien guy goes to the city

and by accident
kills a guy, right?

And they don't know
what to do with him,

so they set up this, uh...

-Contest.
-...contest.

-Contest.

-Your best guy against the mook.-Forget your line?

Here's the script.
-I can't read.

I just like all
the bright colors.

-Dirty Bob was a personal
friend of ours.

-Hey,
it will be like the old days.

-Yeah, back when
movies had plots.

-All right.

He wins, you keep him.

He loses...
-You keep him.

-...we do what
we want with him.

-Starting with the nasty.

-But we get to keep this.
-No.

-Mine is getting kind of old.
-Sorry to hear that.

-Now that I'm removed
from this,

it all seems so absurd.

-Days Inn, where all our rooms
are do not disturb.

-Hey, your Jheri curl's arrived.

-Okay, people.
Places, everyone.

Here we go.

-Okay, let's see.
Your grammar stinks.

Your punctuation is atrocious.
B-minus.

-Have you been waiting
for a long time?

-Where's Carver?

-Mr. Carver is a very
busy man, Ray.

-So am I.

-It's a little late
for script revisions.

-I know.
-Oh, no.

-How are you doing
with the Clippers?

-Great, no more nose hairs.

-That's what I wanted to talk
to Carver about.

-I'm handling that now.

-See?
-Just tell Carver the Clippers

are going to be
in our territory tomorrow.

We're having a game.
-Husker Du in Norwegian means,

"Do you remember?"
-Good.

I'll have, uh, Wickings
talk to them.

-I'm so angry,
I could just spit.

-Uh, Ray?
-Uh, did you get your lollipop?

There's a free one
for you right here.

-How much does he know
about us?

-I've been very discrete.

-Mm-hmm.
-Nothing.

-From what you say about him,
I didn't expect Wickings

to have much success.

-Mick will come around.

He's not stupid.
-Stupid.

-So you say and I hope
you're right.

Our relationship depends on it.
-That and mutual content.

-We're not interested
in half a city.

Do you understand?
-Ah, okay.

-They'll come around.
-Good.

I'll see you tomorrow, then.

-It's a date.

♪♪

[All humming]

♪♪

-Oh, now that's
downright disrespectful.

-Well, at least they're going
to the library.

-Big polar bear
and the raiders.

♪♪

-[Whistles]

-So the future is ruled
by vicious fops.

Is that what we're supposed
to believe here?

-Yep, pretty much.
-Hello.

I am Inigo Montoya.
-He is dreamy.

-[Imitates gulping, burps]

-Don't pollute.

-Mick.
-Ray.

-How's the hat party going?
-How's it going?

-I got a surprise
for you, Mick.

-Gee, thanks.
And I didn't get you anything!

-This is Wickings.
She's from --

-Is this a pull?
-This is Mick.

-Mick.
-Go ahead, pull her finger.

It's fun.

-I, uh, understand that
you're going to have

some kind of
a contest here, so, um...

-Yep, did you bring
your T-shirt?

-...I won't take up
too much of your time.

I represent
the Sunya corporation.

-The who?

-And we're hired by
the federal government...

-Oh, this is a pull.

-...to restore essential
services in your area.

-Mm-hmm.
-Now, what this means --

-Lady, we ain't stupid.

-Nobody is calling anybody
stupid, Mick.

-Not on screen, anyway.
-Let's get out of here.

-Now, wait -- wait a second.
-Tell him about the lights.

-I --
Look, after you're done here,

why don't you ride over and see
what we're doing on Ray's site?

There's going to be
medicine and food.

-And party favors.
-Can you remember what

the city used to be like?

We're going to
light it up again.

-Like Broadway!
-Shh.

Let her speak.
-I don't remember no lights.

It was before my time,
before yours too, maybe.

-You're being stupid, Mick.

-"Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Goons"?

-Lady, nobody gives
nothing for nothing.

-Except Billy Preston.

-Mm-hmm.
-What about the game?

-Are we going to have
a game or not?

-Yeah, we'll play.
-Scattergories!

-What's the matter, Ray,
none of your guys want to play?

-They're scared.
-Come on, where's

your school spirit?
-Can I say something?

-No.
-Everybody shut up!

Kim is going to say something.
Okay, go ahead, Kim.

-Ray?
-Kim?

-Ray.

-Salieri.

-No, it's one of those
Flowbee haircutters.

-Wow.

-For me?
All right!

-This ain't fair.

-You're right, it ain't.

-She's wearing a set of LEGOs
on her head.

-Hey, it's Beefeater.

-I'll buy you a gin
tonic after this.

-Looks kind of like Goofy.

♪♪

-Bonehead.
-Bonehead! Good one.

Jeez, they should take better
care of their pets.

-Mm.
Hey, that's not a museum.

That's the cover
of "The Far Side Gallery"!

-Wow.

-You know, this sport is a lot
better when played outside.

-I think.

-I claim this planet
in the name of Mars.

-You know, I should
take up modeling.

I got great cheekbones.

-I'm still here,
Happer, you crap hound.

-Luke, I am your father.

-Surely, you joust!
-Ooh!

-Oh, and he picked up
a spare...rib!

-Da-dum, tss.

-That's coming out of your
allowance until you pay back

Michael Jackson every last cent!

-"Cycles with Wolves."

-Oh, she'll never look
for me under here.

♪♪

-Comedy chattering teeth.

-Mr. Henning's illusions
are accomplished

without the aid
of camera trickery.

-Wow.
-What's he doing?

-You don't want to know.
-Grooming.

-Ooh!

-Yep, have a nice trip.
See you next fall.

-I have no lines here.

Hey, those jazz dance classes
are really paying off!

-[ Laughs ]

-Ooh, it's a pizza cutter.

-Should I cut it Chicago-style?

♪♪

-Yeah.

-Hail Dorothy,
the Wicked Witch is dead!

-Hail Dorothy.

♪♪

-Here at Studio 14,
"The Munsters Today" is filmed.

-Come back later.
The wizard is busy.

♪♪

-I feel like a happy king!

-Thomas Hewitt Edward Cat.

-These people are not animals.

-They're not actors.
-What would you call them?

-Well, I admit what we've seen
here is a certain element of...

-What, barbarism?

-Okay, barbarism, fine.

-Fine?
It's great!

-Mr. Carver, talk is useless
with these people.

-These people were born here.

[Knock on door]

-Sorry, um, Sizzler for lunch
again, everybody?

-Thank you.
-Sizzler okay with you guys?

-Ooh, great, only the fourth
time this week.

-Disappointed, Ray.

-Why must he always torture me?

-We delivered gasoline,
you asked for spare parts.

We delivered spare parts.

-It's the
Bil Baird marionettes!

-Wow!

-Um, I can sympathize
with your feelings.

-But you're contractually
obligated to finish this film.

-Progress...
-That's what my career lacks.

-...is a train.

You can climb aboard.

You can get out of the way,
or you can be crushed.

-What's it like being
a has-been?

-This train isn't stopping.

I also personally...
-What?

Oh, these mischievous DAs

ordered 1,000 pizzas
to their address.

-...Clippers.

-We want it.

-Things take time.

-Things change.
-We're out of time, Ray.

-Ah, not the foot!
Oh, foot!

Ow, ow, ow!
-Hey, that's not Old Milwaukee.

It's Colt 45.

-The beer that made Detroit
famous.

-[Humming]

-Hey, I can't find the snow
for the next scene!

Ah!

Hmm? Oh.

♪♪

-Aah!

-Huh?
-Go bring him down.

-Wait.

-[Grunting]

-[Beatboxing]

-Can you guys give me a hand?
Wow.

-♪ Western Union

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo ♪

-Oh, that's the thanks I get!

-[Chuckles]

It's Hayley Mills in

"Where Cannon Workers Go,
Trouble Follows."

-[Laughs]

-Whoa!
-Ooh.

♪♪

-"Robin Hood:
Prince of Feebs."

-Oof!
-Ohh!

[Laughs]
Oh, that Super Dave Osborne

really cracks me up.

♪♪

-Come on, Mr. Welland,
get back up there.

♪♪

-You're over the line, Whitey.

-Guns are for scrolls, Ray.

Besides, it's a waste
of good beer.

-Are you alone?
-Well, I'm seeing someone

if that...
Ugh.

-Be careful, these guys
are trained cable installers.

-Yeah, Ray, I'm alone.

I'm alone.
[Burps]

-No wonder you're alone.
What a pig.

-It's crude but funny.

-I want to show you
something, Ray.

[Gunshot]

We're done playing around.

-Uh-oh,
the principal heard that.

-What, what?
I was kidding!

I was kidding!
I'll clean it up.

What were you saying
about the train?

I forget now.

-Day one, day two,
day three.

Day one.

-Carver left his bike.

Heh, bike.

-Et tu, Brute?

-Hey, they're taking his
training wheels off!

-Oh, that proves the romance
of David Bowie and Mick Jagger.

-Ooh.
-No!

♪♪

-Hey, it's Jay Schroeder.

-Hmm.
-Jack be nimble.

-All of a sudden,
De Niro shows up.

Oh, I saw this in "JFK."
Oop.

-Ooh.

♪♪

♪ And dance by the light
of the moon ♪

♪ What'd you wish for
when you threw that rock? ♪

[Crickets chirping]

-Crickets?

-He looks like Ed Begley Jr.,
all right.

-Hmm.
-Huh?

-You got ideas, Lee?

-No, my puzzler hurts.
-Sure, I --

I got lots of ideas.

-I thought of fish sticks once.
-Good...

-Keep them to yourself.
-...because I'm all out.

-Want to get some ice creams?

Hey, great dialogue!

-Hey.

-LensCrafters, "Kim Cattrall
in about 1 hour."

-Would you quit being evil
over my shoulder?

It's really slow,
must be System 7.

-Hey, watch it.
-Come on.

-Oh, and there's your punch.
-Bingo.

-We got to get Windows
for this thing.

-Yeah.

-Oh, get temps, it's easy.
-Yeah.

-Hmm.

-Satisfied?
-Ah!

Hmm?

-I've always had a great deal
of respect for you.

-But now I have to kill you.

-You do a hell of a job,
but, uh...

-You look like a guy.
-...now you let me do mine.

You understand?
-No.

No, I don't understand.

-You know, she just has
those glasses so she can

pull them off dramatically.

-I like it.

-Let me put it
to you this way...

[All growl]

-...you go to your room,
and you stay there.

-Okay, let's go.
-Do you understand that?

-But all I got is an alcove.

-Then you go to your alcove,
and you stay there.

-By tomorrow morning,
this will be history.

♪♪

-Okay, "Superman"?
-Uh, DC.

-Of course, uh, "Mighty Thor"?
-Marvel!

-Oh, yeah.
-"Little Audrey."

-Oh, burn it.

-Oh.
Uh, hey, say, shouldn't we be

carefully placing these
comic books in plastic bags?

-Mm, no. We have lives.
-Hey. What you doing?

-Don't touch our comic books!
Just stay away.

-Jeepers, sorry.

Oh, I get it.

Based on today's, uh, rampant
comic book culture

and today's experiment,

you two have gone back
through your comic collection

to find the meaning of life.

I get it.
-Oh, no.

We found that.
That's that pile.

It's the "Desert Erotic" comic,
Dell version.

-Yeah, and it's packed
with action sequences!

-Oh, yeah.

-We want a child
of the universe.

Now die!

-Go placidly amid
the noise and haste?

I don't think so!

-Oh, I see.

Since you can make a comic book
about just --

-Uh, uh, graphic novel, Joel.
-Oh, I see.

Since you can make a graphicnovel about just about anything,

why don't we come up
with our own superheroes?

-Oh!
Uh, I got one.

Uh, uh, it's, uh,
called Man-Man.

He's bestowed
with all the powers of a man,

but he's a man.

-I got an idea. How about --
-Oh, w-wait, wait, wait, wait.

Maybe Man-Man draws his
strength from Robert Bly.

-Oh, yeah.
-Well, that could be good.

How about Lumberman?

He controls the forces
of lumber.

-Oh!
-Able to route lumber supplies

to different parts
of the country

with his sidekick, Woody.

-Yeah.
-He defends the rain forests.

Yet even he finds Sting
annoying.

-That's good.
Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we come up witha supergroup of all superheroes?

-Oh, like the Fantastic Four?
-Bigger.

-Uh, 12?

-No, no, no.
-More!

-I know, I know,
the Fantastic 85.

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

-Starting with Elbowman!
-Yeah, how about Mr. Paper Cut?

47 different angles
of paper jut from his body.

-Oh, the Punisher!
-There is a Punisher.

-Y-Yeah.

-Oh, well,
this is a new sort of Punisher.

He's not overly strict.

He just sends people
to their rooms.

-I see.
-The Lint Attachment Man.

-Jazz Trio Man, able to trade
fours with himself, yeah.

-The Human Dog!

-Professor Hitler
and His Invisible Knee Machine!

-Really Deep Man --
he's really deep, man.

-Ooh, or The Pheasant Plucker
and The Pheasant Plucker's Son.

-Uh, the Black Nun, all black,
none of the white bits.

-Wow.
-Always Smells Like Maple Man.

-The awesome power
of Absorbing Senior!

[Alarm blaring]

-Movie Sign Man!
-Yeah, Movie Sign Man!

[All shouting]

-Servo Croatian Boy.
-Moon Man!

-Calamari Man.
-Or Butter Caps.

-Mm, Foam Face.
-Mrs. Martian.

-...the chance to get in line.
They didn't take it.

-You can't just
cut them down this!

-The school needs the band!

-Listen to me one more time.
I can get you want you want.

I know it!
-Backstage passes?

-Let me at least try.
-All right. Okay.

-If not, you can take it back
and get what you want.

-...this Mick,

that they either cooperate,
or they're dead.

-Ooh!
-Nice nicotine patch.

-Got that?
-Thanks, I needed that.

♪♪

-[Whistles]

Hi-ho!

-Hi-ho!

-The Macy's Parade
15 years from now.

-That's next year.

Get it?
-Oh, yeah, hey, current.

-Shriner's Pass and Review.

-Hey, it's the big municipal
bike roundup and safety check!

-It's all wrong.

-Yes, it needs some mauves
and some teals.

-How come Kim gets such
a boring wardrobe?

-Because Kim is so boring.
-No!

-Hey, wait a minute.
Something is amiss.

Where's my Robby Benson poster?

♪♪

-There's got to be a way
out of this film.

-The seven Mercury astronauts!

-It's Conrad Birdie!

-[Hums]

Hi, black guys.
-Hi, yellow guys.

-You know that roll bar

is not going to be
much help in an accident.

-Ah, those are all the guys
who missed out

on the "Master Ninja."

-Trust the Gorton's fishermen.

-I am curious yellow.

-That's quite a bobby
pin there, Kim.

-Norton, out of there!

-Oh, so it
all comes together now!

-Yes.
-SW548.

-It's so hard
getting around London.

-Yep.
Oh, I get it.

She's in the Chunnel.
-The Chunnel of Chile?

-Chunnel of Tilly.

-I'm not eating
the Tunnel of Chili.

-Together: ♪ Born to be wild

-"The Mild Ones." [Laughs]

-Madea? M-Madea.
-Madeaman, that's it.

-Oh, yeah.
-I resent that.

-Still carrying that torch.

You're fired, Scarecrow!

-Super Scarecrow.

Hey, you're supposed to emulate
someone, not immolate them.

-Johnny Kingsford,
edges light quickly.

-I am the god of hellfire,
and I bring you...

-[Vocalizing]

-Hogan.
-You know, the kid will eat

the middle
of a sewer cover first.

-And leave Kim Cattrall
for Crow?

-Kim's having my fantasy
about her.

-Ooh!

♪♪

-Oh, wow.

-Hey, it's an NBC
mystery movie!

-Would you stop that?

You guys, there --Every time you see a flashlight,

it's
not "The NBC Mystery Movie."

-You programmed us, wiener.
-Yeah.

Kim Cattrall for First Alert.

-Mr. Goodbar?
Mr. Goodbar!

-Come on, Kim. Come on!
You got to want it!

Come on, push!

-Super Kim.
-You bet.

-Fletch, no!

-Listen to me.

-I'm the Sunday night
mystery movie!

-Stop.
-I've just come from Sunya.

-Penny?

-You picked a bad time
to come here.

-Lucille.
-They're going to kill Mick.

-"The Rat Patrol," in color.

♪♪

Uh-oh, Sonny Rollins
is at it again.

Kill him.

-The night belongs
to Old Milwaukee.

-I think that guy has got
a Napoleon complex.

-Hmm.
-Super Bonaparte.

-We got to get more
themed costumes.

These guys are
kicking our butts.

[Humming Prologue
to "West Side Story"]

-[Whistling]

[Snapping fingers]

-Crossfire.
-You got to come with us, Mick.

-"Greensleeves," dudes.
-There's no pull.

These scrolls are serious.

I'm talking to you, Mick!

-Sleep!

-I know I'm foppish.

-I got him to wait.
-Underweight?

Try a sports shake.

They have a whole stick
of butter in every can.

-Mick, I couldn't do
nothing about Whitey.

-Hey, that's a double negative!

Get him.

-Looks like Belushi.
-Ooh!

[Explosion, woman screams]

[Gunshots]

-Shoot him down.
Shoot to kill. [Cackles]

-Ah, a little like
a turkey shoot. Whee-hoo!

-Rae Dawn, no!
-No!

-Rae Dawn, I can't believe it!

-Bay City Roller Man.

-Ooh.
-It's Henry V.

-Ooh!

-Oh, no!
No!

♪♪

-You got my little pants dirty!
-Oh, no!

Barb Lindsay has been hit!

-Start seeing motorcycles.
-Ooh.

-Hmm.
Saved by a jawbreaker helmet.

♪♪

-Ooh, I wish I had worn
my bulletproof codpiece!

♪♪

-Hey, Theresa Russell!

-Now, ride, David, ride!

♪♪

-Ooh.

-Fonzie, no!

♪♪

-You know, the carnage
is beautiful from up here.

-I tire.
I'm going home.

-Next week on "City Limits"...

-You know, that
could've gone better.

Mm.

-Hey, our gondola
driver is dead.

-Ooh.

-Who's this?
-Bobby quit.

-Whoa, Rogaine out of control.
-I don't see Mick.

-He's a Q-tip.
-Mm.

-Get away from him.
-He's lost a lot of blood.

-Shut up!
-[Smooches]

-I can stop the bleeding.
-Hey, cut that out.

-Yogi.
-Yeah, Boo-Boo?

[Siren wailing]

-[Smooches, chuckles]

[Giggling]

-Your -- Your Popsicle melted.

-Who'd have thought the old man
to have so much blood?

-It's going to be okay.
-Lady Macbeth.

-It's going to be okay, Mick.

-Somewhere, there's a clown
missing a sleeve.

-Listen, Mick...

[Siren wailing]

-Tourniquet,
I could've done that.

-I wish I were a fish.

-[Humming]

Carry on, folks.

-Hmm?

-Jim Henson's
Rae Dawn Chong Babies.

-Oh, ohh,
wait, is this happening now,

or 15 years ago,
which would be now?

-The same thing happened
to me out there, funny.

-Ah.

-Should I reweave my hair?

-I should pick up the place,
but I'm tired.

-Oh.

-Hi.

What you doing?

-Give me a hand.

-What we're doing here, Bob,
is taking out the old plumbing.

-Hey, it looks like someone
found

a Ronco rhinestone
and stud setter.

-Ooh.
-What are you doing?

-We need wheels.
-We got wheels.

-We got two bikes, smart.
There's three of us.

-Four.
-I'm in.

-Yogi, I want you to go Pike's.
-Peak?

-Mick --
-Don't!

Just listen for a change.

I'll meet you later
at the station.

-At the Shining Time Station?

-Get over here.

Pull that wire out of there.

♪♪

-Aah!

-Works every time.

-He can really deliver a line.

-Ooh.

-Oh.
-Like old times, huh, Sitch?

-Boom! Well, you didn't used
to hit me like that.

-Hey, can I do one?

-Ow.

♪♪

-Hey, what did I miss?

-Come on!
Get their clothes.

-Hey, look, I'm really happy
with what I'm wearing now.

-No acting beyond this point,
not allowed.

-Ah, the illegal smugglingof mimes, nobody talks about it.

[Clicks tongue]

-Our "Soylent Green"
tour begins here.

♪♪

-That's it.
-Hey, don't hassle me!

Oh, you.
-You got all the Clippers?

-Not all of them.
-Come on.

Let's go.
-Now what are you, Gallagher?

-Mm-hmm.
-It looks like cough syrup.

[Clicks tongue]

-Whoo!

-Oh, it looks like
a Vicks Formula 44 wipeout.

-Ick.
-They're going to spank him!

Oh, look!

-Oh, it's
"American Gladiators."

-Hmm.
-Sam.

Sammy!

-Wait, wait, it's me!
-Mick!

-"Annie Hall"?
-You was dead.

-Whose idea was this?
-I learned it from you, Mick.

-Where did I learn it?
-Ride with me.

-I got my own bike.
-Ooh.

♪♪

-Uh, I'm guessing it's closed.
-Mm-hmm.

Uh, we're not open yet!

♪♪

-Kids, no bikes in the house.
-Mick,

there's something
I got to tell you.

-I said butter, not guns!
-Mick, there ain't no bullets!

-Aren't any, Rae, aren't any.
-See? Still works.

-Mick.
-Get out of my way.

-He is a master
of the universe,

no less than the trees.

-Mick, what is it?
-It's taffeta.

What do you think?
-Clippers is done.

-Hey!
-Clippers are done.

-Ernie.
-Hey, Bert.

-When is Robby Benson
coming back?

-Tell --
Tell Ray I want to see him.

-Well, you can call him Ray,
or you can call him Jerry,

or you can call him
Sonny, but you...

♪♪

-What are you looking at?

-If I'm not back in an hour,
you're on your own.

-Order without me.

♪♪

-Hey, you're Kim Cattrall.

-Minneapolis after
the Super Bowl.

-Mick,
Mick, you've got to quit.

-It's a dirty habit, man.
-Look, you leave.

You go somewhere.
-No deal, huh?

-We're doing good, Mick?
-Well, doing well.

-They need us.

They would've used you, too.
-Used is right.

-Oh, get off it, Mick.

Open your eyes.
Look at you.

-Yeah, junior achievement works!

-This is a Sunya town now.

-Yeah.

-Hey, it's the BART system.
-Mm.

-Go!
Mick, go!

-It's a Days Inn courtesy van.

-Hi, I'm your Monsanto
representative.

-Ray, did you say that Ernie
did something to you?

-And I'm the sailor
with a difference.

♪♪

-Okay.
-Okay.

-Boy, that helmet
has been everywhere.

-I'm filled with secrets.
Ohh!

-Uh, okay, thanks.

Uh, what do I owe you
for the ride?

-What a dope.
-Bitter.

-I'm dead now.
-I'm Dead Boy.

-Ooh, Dead Boy.
-Dead Boy.

-Ooh, that chair has got
a bad spring, huh?

-Let's not drag this out
any longer.

Ernie told us all about
the gas station,

but they aren't there anymore.

They left you, Mick.

-Bingo!

-All right.
All right.

-Wasn't a greeny.

-Aw.
-Okay.

-Let's go in and catch the end
of the Cubs game.

-Let's go get your friends.

-This is a nice location
for a beating, isn't it?

-Mm-hmm, scenic.

-Where is she?
Come on, Mick.

She killed Whitey.
-Yeah, what about Lumpy?

-You didn't know that.
-Where's Wickings?

-I'm right here.
-Huh?

How about a little fire,
Scarecrow?

-Super Dave, no!
-Super Dave!

Oh, it's dumb.

-Oh, no.

Look, can we all just stop
and look at our scripts?

Oh, I guess it does say
that Boy George drives

in lobbing
Molotov cocktails, huh?

♪♪

-He's a lasso rep.
-What a drag.

♪♪

-[Whistling]

-Switcher!
-Switcher!

-Now you do it, Ray.
-You are one sick puppy.

-♪ I don't care what you do

♪ Just take me with you

♪ Doo doo

♪♪

-Hey, it's the Sunday night
mystery movie gang!

There's "Columbo,"
"The Snoop Sisters," "McCloud."

-Would you cut that out?
Alvin!

-Sorry, Dave.
-Aw, heck, Ramsey.

Start seeing motorcycle movies.

Ah.

-Great, they lapped the plot.
-Doh!

-They're back at the beginning!

-Oh, man.
We just went in a big circle.

Wake up.
We're at Grandma's.

-Fashions by Maude.

-God will get you
for that, Joel.

Take a shot at him.

[Gunshot]
-Oh, my kneecap exploded!

-Well, you think
he'd see that coming.

It happened already.

-Leeland!

-It was just a love shot,
my man.

-From the love gun?
-Mm-hmm.

-All right?
-Yeah, it's okay.

♪♪

-This is C-- Oh, you know.

-[Groans]

Where are we?

-Back at the beginning
of the movie.

-Leeland.
-Solar.

-How many dogs do you think
he killed to get that coat?

-Plenty.
-You okay?

-Hi. Come on in.
-Damn, boy.

I told you to find adventure.
I didn't say drag it home.

-Well, you implied it.
-These are the Clippers.

-Hey, you're Kim Cattrall.

-Hey, who invited
the stinky guy?

Smells like pussy nibbles.

♪♪

-Looks like
"Raising Arizona" now.

-Morning on Yasgur's farm.

-[Whistles]

-What is this,
pantsless motorcycle repair?

-[Whistling]

-Strip motorcycle...
-Grape-Nuts, anybody?

-Oh, it's still too hot,
got to take off more clothes.

-Playing center,
Chong, Rae Dawn Chong.

-Do you want to take off
your pants and join me?

-Was that you?
Did you just caw?

-Next week on
"Gabriel's Fire"...

-There is no next week
on "Gabriel's Fire," Jim.

-I haven't even
thought about it.

-Well, you ought to.

The longer you wait...

-The better she looks.
-...the easier it gets.

[All coughing]

-This thing comes
in real clear.

-Man, she's got no pants,
and he's got no shirt.

They barely have one outfit
between them.

-Oh, it's a kick-start.
-Mm-hmm.

-I'll never finish this.

-Want to do something
about her?

Ah, where was I?

-Hi.
I'm Martha Raye, the bigmouth.

Hi.
-Let a smile be your umbrella.

-There's a...
-Supertramp?

-...hole in this casing.
-I know that.

-Dear Liza?
-Boy, it was windy last night.

The cows stuck right
to the barn.

-So? So what?

So I'm stuck here.
-Well, I was just going to say,

"Tina Turner wants
her dress back."

-You been in the barn?
-No.

-Well, come on.
-Oh.

-God, like, I'm so sure
it stinks in there...

-Come on.
-.. and stuff.

Super Rae Dawn Chong.

[All making animal noises]

-Is there anything
living in here?

-That is just like "Witness."

-Well, there's probably
microorganisms

living in here and stuff
if you want to get technical.

-Come on.

-Oh.
-Oh.

-Gary Busey sold it to me.
-It's nice, huh?

It's a 1948
Indian Bonneville Chief.

-That's my mother dear.
-Yeah.

-Can I?
-Yeah, go ahead.

See, it's got the, um,
got the left-hand throttle.

-Oh.
-Oh, I've got the best sweater

to go with this.

-But I think you'll be
more interested

in something like this!

-Aah!
-Gah!

-Aah!
-Sammy!

-What are you...

-Uh, uh, I...
-No, no, no.

-Sing it.
It works for Mel Tillis.

-Do you like this one?

-Would you like this bike?
Sure, we all would.

-Yeah, go ahead.
-Eat it.

-Roll it out.
-Eat it, boy. Eat it.

Bacon.

-Ooh.

-It's the adventures
of Ultrageek.

-It's the wackiest motorcycle
in the Army!

[Goofy laughter]

-[Humming]

[Crash]
Doh!

-♪ Wah, wah, wah, wah

-Ding.

-[Laughs]
-Ha ha.

-That's the stupidest thing
I've done in a movie.

Yeah.

-Oh, we have so much fun

laughing
at the misfortune of others.

-[Sighs]
-Huh?

-Mick, you ain't in no shape
to be going anyplace.

-Manage.
-Where we going?

-Crazy.
Want to come?

-Just me.

-Well, me and my swarthy
friend here.

-Was thinking about
heading north.

I got a right, don't I?
-I have my rights!

I have my rights!
I was Callahan!

-There is no us.

-What?
-Not anymore.

-Hey.
-Oh, that's kind of unfair!

-Hey.
-You're wrong.

-I'm going to go get a shirt.

-Oh, look.

It's Little Man Tate, how cute.

♪♪

-Dad, can we eat in the car?

♪♪

-Uh, can I get you another rootbeer, anything else, more rings?

-Um, uh, we're out
of toilet paper.

I'm going to go into town.

-Hey, anybody for Gnip Gnop,
Sorry!

Or something like that?
-Hey, uh, come on.

Let's go into Twin Lake
putt-putt.

-Anybody seem my
Sergeant Spike, uh, comics?

Uh, somebody want to watch
"Mannequin" with me again?

-"Super Mannequin."

Hey, don't play with
the remote-control dog.

-You want something?
-I can pick you off from here.

-No.

-Could you do a little scene
from Shakespeare for us?

It's getting kind of boring.

-Ooh, Sergeant Spike
and Leather Woman.

Whoa, Harry Connick's
girlfriend.

-Yeah.
-Ooh!

Super Harry Connick's
girlfriend.

-Yeah.

-I, um...

-Ran out of checkered shirts.

-...thought I'd try and hitch
a ride back east.

♪♪

-Um, like, I was wondering,
could --

could I play some
of your Bread records?

-Look, I, uh, really want
to get through

this Richie Rich comic book
so, uh...

-There's probably some traffic
on the road.

-Traffic?
It's after the apocalypse.

♪♪

-All right.

Get in, but don't mess up
the comic books.

-I could find work.
-It's after the apocalypse.

Nobody's hiring.

-[Sighs]

-Did I come at a bad time?

♪♪

-Hold me closer, tiny dancer.

-I'll have a company.

I'll have a town.

-Roar of the grease paint,
smell of the crowd.

♪♪

-Well, we can all see
he's toned, tan, and terrific.

-This is boring.
Let's get out of here.

Hey, how about I got a good one?

Super Dana Andrews
and Velvet Woman.

-Oh, that's not half bad.
-Super Sim Cattrall Woman.

-Super Sim Cattrall?

-Easy does it with 12-step Man!
-Yeah!

-The Middle-Aged Boy.

-And the incredible adventures
of Bobby Van Luke

and his radioactive
sweater-vest.

-Madame Bovary Man.

-Uh, are up to 85 yet?
-Oh, did I say, "Fantastic 85"?

-Yeah.
-I meant Fantastic 185!

-Yes!
-Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Perfect Paul and his magnetic
spleen, he has only one flaw.

-The Girl Who Smells
Like Soda Crackers.

-Uncle Roger,
the Airline Steward Man.

-Porter Wagner!

-Don't you mean
Super Porter Wagner?

-No!
-Wow.

-Super Fanny Brice.
-The Clam.

-Steak Face and Weasel Woman.
-Dr. Doorknob

and his incredible
electromagnetic thing.

-Yeah!
-Uh, we have commercial sign.

-Skinny Arbuckle.

-But you should run on ahead.
We'll be there. Ah.

-Burger Chef,
he's incrediburgible.

-Ah.
-Larry King.

-Just like Larry King?
-He'd need a really good guest.

♪♪

-What are you doing?

-How about
Johnny Action Finger?

-Ooh, that's...
-That's a good one.

-Oh.
-I'm going back.

-He says he's going back.

Are you going to go alone?

-Maybe.
-If I have to.

-I'll go.
-From now on,

call me Loren Green.

-Richie?
-Come again?

-You got ideas, Lee?
-Nope.

-Yeah, I got lots
of ideas, Mick.

-He's got his goggles on.

-Hey, uh, let me, uh,
let me in on it.

What's going on?
-Well, let's do it.

♪♪

[All humming "Eye of the Tiger"]

♪♪

-Neat, huh?
-"Eye of the Tiger,"

ladies and gentlemen.

-Oh, suddenly
it's "Flashdance."

-Oh, no, no, it's more like
"Animal House,"

and it's going to say, "Eat me,"on the side of that thing,

on a cake.

-Oh, behave.
-Sorry.

-I'm putting streamers
on my handlebars.

Cool.

-I'm putting cards
in my spokes.

♪♪

-Action figures sold
separately.

[Gunshots]

♪ When I grew up and went
to school ♪

♪ There were certain teachers
who would shoot the children ♪

-Hurt the children.
-Oh, sorry,

I was gone too long.

-Got that nitrous for you,Mr. Earl Jones, coming right up.

-And this is me
with Anthony Zerbe.

It's a film.

-[Vocalizing]

Oh, it's like "MacGyver,"
isn't it? Hmm?

[Humming]

-Oh, I was just stalking her.
It's okay, really.

-Hey, look,
Archie Bunker's chair.

-Huh.

-Say, Lee...

-Yeah?
-I got to ask you a question.

-What's sand for?
-That car, is it yours?

-No, it's -- it's Albert's.

-Uh, Lee, uh,
Billy was wondering...

-Why'd you take this role?

-...how the hell
did he get it in here?

-♪ Well, it's a 1961, '62, '63,
'64, '65, '66 ♪

-The car was here first.
-Cadillac.

-Get it?
-Hmm?

-Doh!

-Hmm, hmm
-Oh, Rosey Grier.

-Oh, not every man who sews
is Rosey Grier.

-Oh, needlepoint.

-It's crazy.

-The New Power Generation!
-Whoo!

-Whoo!
-Hello, Cheryl!

And introducing
Gunther Gebel-Williams.

♪♪

-It's "Jem"!
Ooh!

-Now, has everyone gone potty?

We're not stopping.

♪♪

-Let's go!
-Come on!

Malcolm Forbes
is waiting for us!

Let's go!
-Whoo!

You know, if you've got kids
that ride hogs,

you're going to have stains.

-[Vocalizing]

-Hey, don't laugh.
It's paid for.

-Bulletproof Vespas...

-Yes.
-...in color.

Moo. Get me down.

[All mooing]

-Whoa!

-Hey, Suzanne Somers
was in that!

-♪ Cadillac going about 95

[Vocalizing]

-Hey, they brought
a biffy with them.

-Smart.

-Yeah.
-Bruce Jenner!

-He's got a Picasso
boob platter on.

-Huh?
-Kind of does, doesn't he?

-These comic books
are getting kind of silly.

-Hey, do you hear something?

-Something
wacky this way comes.

-Oh.

-Hey, it's the...
-Shut up!

-...Sunday night mystery --
-[Whistles]

-Stop it.
-Oh, look.

It's Sonny Corleone's
last destination.

♪♪

-They broke my booth.

-That's the same scene
as before, rip-off!

-Yep.

-It's like he wants to order
a pizza but doesn't dare.

-♪ 99 bottles of beer
on the wall ♪

Oh, you never want to have fun.

-This is great.

This is my James Earl Jones
books on tape.

-♪ Well, it's Saturday night
and I just got paid ♪

♪ Fool about my money,
don't try to save ♪

♪ My heart says...

-Hey, there's a dumpster
following them.

-Hmm.
-Ooh.

♪♪

-Hey, it's Steve Guttenberg
in "Don't Tell Her It's Me."

♪♪

-Sounds like U2 is playing
on the roof.

-Still haven't found
what they're looking for.

-Mnh-mnh.

♪♪

-Oh, you're coming up
for this scene, Norton.

♪♪

-Oh, yikes. It smells like
a sewer down there.

-Then came boredom.
-Michael Parks.

♪♪

-Oh, he should've thought
of that earlier.

-Still got that rash?

♪♪

-[Vocalizing]

♪♪

-Hey, they broke another gate!
-No.

-Steven Seagal is
"Out for Justice."

-Switcher!

-[Gasps]
-Uh, sorry.

I was looking for Soc 101.
-Taking over.

-You ain't doing nothing.

-Ooh.
-Ah, what a strict teacher.

-Yeah.

-Huh.

-Thank you, Albert.

-So sorry, Uncle Albert.

[All shouting]

-Ha ha. Works every time.
-Ah, ah.

-I hope you enjoyed
the Don Galloway

exhibit here
at Universal Tour.

On your left is the studio
for the new "Adam-12."

[Whooping, glass shattering]

-♪ School's out forever

-♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm

-Let's go!
Get in the truck!

-Oh, no!
It's terrible!

They're picking off
Gorton's fisherman!

-Come on!

[Gunshots]

-Between classes
at inner-city schools.

-Let's go!
Got things to do!

-Uh, we've decided to move
the scene back inside.

Thanks. Your cooperation will
be appreciated.

-The cheese phone is back,
and it's red and angry.

-Ooh, looks like they had
to move the desk

to shampoo the rug.
-Hmm.

-Hello?
-Hello?

Why won't anyone do a scene
with me?

♪♪

-♪ In for the night

-Oh, now it's
"American Hot Wax."

-Boy, Days Inn really has
tight security these days.

-Hmm.

-Pardon me. Excuse me.
-Excuse me.

-Oh, got to go.
-Station five.

-Excuse me.
-I'll be right with you.

-Uh, hi there, black guy.
Hi, white. Hmm? Yellow.

-12.
-Uh-oh, sneaky.

-Hey, they're having
an adventure like the Goonies.

-Well, looks like the milktruck doesn't stop here anymore.

♪♪

-It's all right!
-Well, it says here

we can earn $2 a day
picking apricots and peaches!

-Let me see that handbill.

-[Imitates motorcycle]
-Yeah!

-This way,
out of the movie, this way!

-Yeah! Whoo!
-Go! Go!

-You know, I just can't
take them seriously anymore.

-No, not dressed like that.

♪♪

-If God is in heaven,
he's driving a red Cadillac.

-Yeehee.

-Whoa, James Earl Jones
brought the cooler, everybody!

-Whoo! Whoo!
-Whoo! Whoo!

-Look, I --
I look stupid.

I'm admitting that now.
-Take care of her.

-He looks like Santa Bear.

-James Earl Jones,
ladies and gentlemen,

let's give him a big hand.
-[Whistles]

-Darn prop comics got to bring
their stuff everywhere.

He's opening for Carrot Top.

-I think Michelangelo designed
this scaffolding here.

♪♪

-It's "Stalag 90210."
-[Chuckles]

-Oh, I've seen this.

This is the end of "Planes,
Trains, and Automobiles."

-Oh.
-Hmm.

♪♪

-Thank you for calling Days Inn.

-Look, Smithers.
I'm Davy Crockett.

-Hoo hoo hoo.

-Mr. Goodwrench, no!

-That's a bad wrench
right there.

-What's in the box?

-You needed that huge
trunk for that?

-Well, one good thing
about the apocalypse --

always plenty of parking.

♪♪

-I still look great.

I do.

-Huh?

Hey, you want to let us in
on your little personal joke?

♪♪

-Oh, they get to play
in the cistern.

-Hey, now everybody remember
where we parked.

♪♪

-The geometric nucleus.

-Okay.

Everybody who's going
to ride with me, hop in.

♪♪

-Okay.
We're at the last rest stop

before the end of our careers.

♪♪

-Oh, that's dirty pool!
-Yeah.

-If I knew what was going on,
I'd really be indignant.

♪♪

-Oh, we'll just
let ourselves in.

-Ow!
-Thank you!

[Tires squeal]

-What's going on?

-Aah!
-Get the guns, get the guns!

-Whoo!
-Look out!

-Oh, I'm being beat up
by the cast

of "Pirates of Penzance"!
-Rex Smith.

-Ugh!

-Once, I shot an elephant
in my pajamas.

♪♪

-Ohh.

-Oh, now we're in "The Man from
U.N.C.L.E." all of a sudden.

-Open channel D.

♪♪

-Ooh.

-Heimlich maneuver?
What good is that?

-And that's for not keeping
me up on script changes!

♪♪

-[Imitating seal]

Sorry.
-Can it.

♪♪

-Hello, Helen.
-Oh, hi.

I was just launching
1,000 ships.

♪♪

-♪ We're out of the dark,
we're out of the woods ♪

♪ We're out of the night

-♪ We're going into
the flames and -- ♪ Oh.

-It's the villain
from "Jonny Quest"!

-Nice.

Bandit in you.

Right, Hadji.

[Gunfire]

-I'm sure.
That's so mean.

-Patew, patew, patew!

Badado!

Scott Baio, no, no!

-Kim, no!
That's it. [Growls]

-Kilroy and Killjoy.

♪♪

-Huh?
Incoming model.

-Ooh.
-Ooh.

♪♪

Jim Henson's Flying
Leatherneck Babies.

-[Whistling "Yankee Doodle"]

-Hey, he's whistling
the Roger Ramjet song.

♪ Roger Ramjet, he's a man,
hero of our nation ♪

Shazam!

-Hmm.
-[Imitates airplane engine]

♪♪

-Hey, sounds like John Mayall
just arrived.

[Beatboxing]

-Doh!
-Gilligan!

[All coughing]

-[Chuckling]
-This is CNN. [Giggles]

♪♪

-There goes another one.
-Come on, you sons of bitches.

I'll shoot you down myself.

♪♪

-Tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, 182!

♪♪

-[Imitating airplane]

-♪ Let Hertz put you
in the driver's seat today ♪

-Aah!
-Huh, death with dignity, huh?

Ugh, pieces of him.

-This is F-U-N.
-[Chuckling]

-I'm a prince!
I'm a Grimault warrior!

-Uh...

♪♪

See you next summer.

-Carver.

-Raymond Carver, if we don't
save him, minimalism is doomed!

-Don't I get a girl?
Geez.

♪♪

They just shot one
of the movement-shots guys!

-No!

-Point break, 100 percent
pure adrenaline.

[Alarm blaring]

-Oh, look, great.

Now they're being attacked
by The Wooster Group.

♪♪

-All right, Benson.

What the heck have you been
doing in this movie?

-If you eliminate me,

somebody just like me
or even worse will follow.

-One of the Carradine boys?
-Okay.

I was in "Ice Castles."
I admit it.

-I'm inevitable.

-Ugh.
-Oh! Oh, yes!

I'm going to want
that every night.

-No.

-Ooh, this desk jobs
will just kill you.

-Smucker's jelly.

If you could taste
Robby Benson...

-Mm, on toast.

-So the kids threw Sunya out

and took over the running
of things themselves.

-Our T-bills are okay! Yay!
-Yay!

-The Clippers and DAs
were joined,

and the city was
in the hands of its own,

and the kids born there
and grown up there...

-[Smooches]

-...would make it work
for themselves.

-Hey, I hope your leather mug
stand works out for you.

Huzzah.

-♪ Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, oh
-Huh?

-♪ Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, oh

-Hey, even the band
is vomiting.

-Bleh, bleh.
-♪ Bleh, bleh, bleh

-"Darrell Larson is Mick."

Does that mean the movie isgoing to go on since he is Mick?

-I don't know.

John Stockwell is Lee.
-No, is Lame.

-Lame. Mm.

-Kim Cattrall is
all right with me.

[All growling]

-Rae Dawn Chong is wasted.
-Yeah.

-John Diehl is dangerous
to himself and others.

-♪ Start to shout

♪ What you must remember
is to lay it on the line ♪

-Yeah, that's my name.
That's my name.

You see?
-Put it right there.

Put it right there.

-Don Opper is ashamed of
himself for writing the script.

-♪ Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh

-And Norbert Weisser pleaded
bolo contendere

for having participated
in this film.

-Frankie, my dear,
I don't give a damn.

-♪ Break it down

-What you call hell
Ramos calls home.

-♪ Do it, bleh

-Dean Devlin is --
was Michelle Shocked.

-Mm-hmm.
-♪ Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, ow

-Oh, I don't know
how special this was.

-I don't think so.
No, no, no.

-I know I've done better.

Look, you can't pay the rent
doing August Wilson plays.

-♪ Bleh, oh, bring it

-[Sighs] So can we leave now,
Joel, please?

-Uh, no, I think you realize
we have

to stay through the closing --
-Is that a law or something?

-Well, it kind of is.
It's a mad-scientist thing.

-Oh.-Oh, no argument there, I guess.

Can't do much about that.

-Yeah, pretty much
just got to cope.

-Yep.
What are you going to do?

-No problem with that?
-Oh, I guess it's okay.

I guess we'll just kind of stickaround here.

Do we have to sit through these?-Oh, can we just please leave?!

♪♪

-Oh, I hate this.

♪ - Just in the nick of time ♪
-Well...

-Word up, blood.
Hey, homie.

-♪ The thing you must remember
is to lay it on the line ♪

-See, I was right.
-♪ This movie is lousy

♪ You really could tell

♪ The only thing I liked
was Kim Cattrall ♪

♪ K-K-K-Kim,
K-K-K-Kim ♪

♪ K-K-K-Kim,
K-K-Kim, K-Kim, Kim Cattrall ♪

-♪ It was really stupid,
it was too long ♪

♪ It starred Robby Benson
and Rae Dawn Chong ♪

♪ Ch-Ch-Ch-- Rae
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch Chong, Ch-Chong ♪

♪ R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-Rae

-♪ I thought that "Sidehacking"
really was bad ♪

♪ I thought that "Mighty Jack"
really made me mad ♪

♪ I thought "Pod People"
really was the pits ♪

♪ But the stupidest movie was
the biggest piece of -- ♪

-Hey, shut your mouth!

-I'm just talking about
"City Limits," Crow.

-Well, we can --Well, we can't dig it, actually.

♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh

♪ I wish I could see
"Citizen Kane" ♪

♪ I wish I could see
"The Rules of the Game" ♪

♪ I wish I could view
"Seven Samurai" ♪

♪ But every film
I see makes me want to die ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh

♪ P-P-P-P-Puke on it

♪ Uh, uh, huh, uh

-♪ Something going down
in this town ♪

♪ Something in the air that
you can feel on the ground ♪

♪ You know it's supposed
to really excite me ♪

♪ But all I can say is,
"No, bite me" ♪

♪ Bite me,
B-B-B-B-B-Bite me, bite ♪

-♪ Bleh, bleh, oh!

♪♪

-Ah. Okay.
-Luck, be a lady.

-Two.
-Uh, okay.

Um, uh...

-This way?
-Yeah, no, that way.

-Oh, okay.
-Uh, no, that way! Yeah.

-Oh, okay.
-No, the other way!

-Roll again. Roll again.
Okay.

-Daddy needs a new pair
of hydraulic talons.

-Okay. All right.
-Joel, is there a point to this

little "City Limits"
trivia game here?

-Well, uh, the "City Limits"
trivia game

was actually one of
the many promotional items

when the film
came out in theaters,

and, uh, they had lots of stuff.

They had this trivia game.

They had "City Limits"
beefy-Ts.

They had "City Limits" eyewear.

They even had a "City Limits"
32-ounce

promotional glass at Subway.
It was the whole everything.

-Come on, Joel!
Roll them bones!

-Okay!
All right.

-Well, you see, the problem
with a trivia game here

is that I don't remember
anything from this experiment,

I mean, nothing, uh,
just didn't stick with me.

I -- I mean, I even forget
what, uh,

we're talking about right now.
-Oh, come on!

Come on! Yes! roll again!
Roll again!

-Okay! Sure.
-Luck, be a lady tonight.

-You are in Clipper territory,
Crow,

and I draw
a James Earl Jones card.

-Uh...
-In the movie "City Limits,"

Crow, Rae Dawn Chong's
character's name was A, Yogi,

B, Yoda, C, Yo-yo?

-Uh...who?
-Huh?

-Rae Dawn Chong,
she was in the movie.

-Rae Dawn -- Rae...hmm?
-No, no.

-No. Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, it's not ringing a bell.

Was she the black guy
with a beard?

-Yeah.
-Oh, come on, Tom.

You do the next one.
Okay. Here is one.

Okay.
It's your turn, Tom.

-All right.
-In the movie "City Limits"...

-Huh? Huh?
-...Tom...

-Yeah.

-...what was the name
of the movie?

-Oh.
-Aw, gee, seems like

I ought to know this one.

Um, uh, "Swiss Family Robinson"?

-Mnh-mnh.
-"The Robe"?

-Uh, "Helter Skelter"?
"Switch"?

Jimmy Smits?

-No, no, no, no.
-Let's read a letter.

How about it, okay?
-That sounds...

-Let's put this up
on still store.

You got that there?
Okay.

This is from Joseph Jurich
of Chicago, Illinois.

He writes, "'MST 3000,'

I would like to join your
Information Club. Thank you."

-Uh-huh, terse, concise,
we like that.

-Okay. We got another one here.
-Keep it up.

-Sure.
-Put that up on still store.

And this one is from
Billy Jensen.

"Dear 'MTS'"...

-Wrong!
-Unh-unh.

-..."I like your show
because I like to laugh and --

at lots of jokes.

I'm sort of a comedian
and a cartoonist."

-A raconteur.
-"Here's a joke."

-Say...
-"Point to your head"...

-That'd be you, Joel.
-Yeah.

-..."and say the abbreviation
of mountain."

-Uh, MT.

-Yeah.
-Oh.

-Get it?
-That's very logical, Billy.

That's really cute.
-Okay.

"Here's another joke.

What would you say
to a two-headed monster?"

Crow?

-Um, puh, got me.

-Hi, hi.
-Uh-huh.

-Okay. That's cute, Billy.
-Good, Billy.

Keep it up.

-Polish the end
of the act there.

-All right.
-Yes.

-Oh, do you want to say
the M --

-Oh, I'll say the address now.

It's, uh, send your lettersto the "MST3K" Information Club,

Post Office Box 5325,
Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343,

but be careful
when you send jokes, okay?

-Oh, I got it.
-What do you think, sirs?

-Well, Siegfried & Roy, uh...

What?!
-Did I mention that I cried?

-Yes, you've mentioned
that you --

Frank, take him out!

-Come here, suedehead.
-[Sobbing]

-Until next time, Joel.

♪♪

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♪♪

-Aah!