Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Giant Gila Monster - full transcript
A 30-foot lizard on the loose terrorizes a town full of rowdy, inept teenagers in The Giant Gila Monster (1959). Joel shows off his sitcom radio while the Mads demonstrate their renaissance festival-themed punching bags in the invention exchange. Later, the Bots ruin Joel's soda shop sketch.
♫ In the not too distant future
♫ Next Sunday A.D.
♫ There was a guy named Joel
♫ Not too different from you or me.
♫ He worked at Gizmonic Institute
♫ Just another face in red jumpsuit
♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place
♫ But his bosses didn't like him
♫ So they shot him into space!
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst we can find
♫ La la la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ Then we'll monitor his mind
♫ La la la
♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end
♫ Because he used those special parts
♫ To make his robot friends
♫ Robot roll call
♫ Cambot ♫
- [Voiceover] Pan left
♫ Gypsy ♫
- [Voiceover] Hi girl
♫ Tom Servo ♫
- [Voiceover] What a cool guy
♫ Crow ♫
- [Voiceover] I'm the wise-cracker
♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes
♫ And other science facts
♫ La la la
♫ Then repeat to yourself
♫ It's just a show
♫ I should really just relax
♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫
(guitar strumming)
(doors shutting)
(whimpering)
- Well, you won't be needing this anymore.
- Hey, hey, wait that's my body,
that's got some of my favorite parts.
- Oh come on.
- I don't want to be part of this
dumb, nightmare Doublemint ad, Joel.
- Oh, bite me, you're
the thing with two heads,
it's fun.
- I call Ray Milland.
- Oh great, that makes me Rosey Grier.
- Oh, come on, a fella
could do a lot worse
than be a star lineman for the L. A. Rams.
- Yeah, but he just happens to be
in touch with his feminine side.
- Let me tell you something, pin beak,
your mouthwash just ain't makin' it.
- Oh yeah, well this body really stinks.
Look at these tiny little arms.
What are they good for,
eatin' corn on the cob?
- Joel, I really, really hate
this thing with two heads idea.
- Yeah, stop us before
we kill again, Joel.
(growling and barking)
- Well, how 'bout this,
you're the Odd Couple 1999.
- Say.
- [Tom] Cool.
Do-do-do-do-do-do
Some time earlier, Crow's
body had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return again.
Can two heads live in the same body
without driving each other crazy?
- Felix.
- No, Oscar, it's not
spaghetti, it's linguine!
- Now it's good.
- [Voiceover] Five, four,
three, two.
- [Mark] Oh, I don't think so.
We'll be right back.
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
- All right, come here
you little, awful stuffer.
- Get him, get him, let him have it.
Hey wait, that's me.
Yeah, that's my body.
- Look at my femital fireplug of a body.
It's humiliating, Joel.
- I know, you look like George Wendt.
- Oh come on.
- [Joel] Hey, you guys,
he's just a little husky, that's all.
- Oh, look at him run, the stupid jerk.
Traitor, you'll get back here,
say, look at the cute bun on me, will ya?
It's not half bad, is it guys, woo!
- Hey, you're gettin' into a
really weird area, now, Servo.
- Yeah, Tom, I don't know
if that's natural, buddy.
- Gentleman, can't a robot
admire his own back porch
without being thought of
as a strange type of--
- Cool it, Marky Mark and
the funky bunch are calling.
- Well, I guess the big news around here
is Dr. Clayton Forrester died, past away
two, three days ago.
As you could imagine,
it's a little hectic,
what with the funeral arrangements
and the business to attend to.
The mole people have been
a great source of strength.
- Wow, what happened?
- He was, dead, I guess
that's what caused it all.
You know, the upshot of all this is,
I'm gonna be in charge
around here from now on.
What a way to get a promotion, huh?
Oh, hi.
- Why don't you forge ahead
with this week's invention exchange, Joel.
I'm gonna be busy with Frank for a second.
- Ooh, you think he'll kill him?
- Hush, child.
Well, sirs, our invention today looks like
an ordinary prop radio,
except that it's tuner
only picks up channels
from old sitcoms and movies,
like for example, this is set
up for the plot point channel.
- [Voiceover] We interrupt this broadcast
to bring you a special bulletin.
The Midveil bank has just been robbed
by two armed hooligans.
- And then there's the incredibly
plot specific news channel.
- [Voiceover] This just in,
apparently the Harlem Globetrotters
are lost at sea and
thought to be washed up
on an uncharted desert isle.
- And of course, the generic
teen dance music station.
This one song has been
playing on this one station
for over fifty years.
- Yeah, this was danced to by the likes of
Chip Douglas and Marsha
Brady, even Jethro Bodine.
What do you think, sirs?
- Here, it's going to start hurting soon.
Take one of these for pain,
and the red ones should
reduce the swelling.
- Thanks Steve.
- Very clever, Holly Hobby.
Now, taste the red hot steel of
Dr. Clayton firebrand Forrester.
The punching bag has always
had a sound principle behind it; Frank.
- Yes, that it's fun
to beat Baffo the clown
savagely and repeatedly 'til
that Baffo is bleeding from the ears.
But then, alas, the thrill is gone.
The fire goes out of your belly.
You need something new to
stimulate your imagination.
- That's right.
That's why we've invented
these hateful punching bags
with images of the characters
from the Renaissance festival.
For instance, there's the rat catcher.
Excuse me, sir, is that your head,
or did your neck throw up?
- Oh, bite me, Frodo.
- And there's the ever
popular leather mug maker.
Please sir, sample my wares.
- Sample my fist you
community theater reject.
- Lovable harlequin.
I am harlequin.
- I am your worst nightmare!
$23 to get in.
Hazzah my butt, you satin-suited,
Tolkien-reading loser.
- That's enough, Frank.
Well, Joel, your experiment this week
is a sweet meat replete
with empty-headed teens,
fast cars, and a cute little lizard.
It's called "The Giant Gila Monster"
and it will make you hurt,
or my name's not Earl Shy.
Enjoy!
(group yelling)
- [Joel] Oh, head snapped
right on real nicely.
- [Crow] It hurts.
I'm stiff.
- [Voiceover] Where no human ever goes.
- [Tom] Macy's?
- [Voiceover] And no light is ever seen.
- [Tom] Only you can prevent forest fires.
- [Voiceover] It is as
though the land had been
roasted by God.
- [Tom] Roasted, it's
God-roasted for great taste.
- [Voiceover] Within these lonely areas
of impenetrable forest and dark shadows.
- [JOel] Barnabas Collins.
- [Voiceover] The Gila
monster still lives.
- [Crow] Shelley Winters?
- [Voiceover] How large the
dreaded Gila monster grows,
no man can say.
(energetic, upbeat music)
- [Tom] Hey!
- [Joel] ♫ Oranges poranges, who cares,
♫ there ain't no rhyme for oranges ♫
- [Crow] I usually don't touch
cheeks on the first date.
(gasping)
- [Joel] Richie, Potsi, no!
(yelling)
- [Tom] Rollin', rollin', rollin'.
(giggling)
- [Joel] Bad movie?
You're soaking in it.
(together singing "Hava Nagila")
- [Tom] You know what
this kinda looks like,
a modified, "I Dream of
Jeannie" intercept font.
- [Crow] No, no, no, no,
it's Bewitched sans serif.
- [Joel] No, I think you're thinking of
Patty Duke Show bold condensed, actually.
- [Tom] You know, if it was italicized,
I'd swear it was Jack Webb.
- [Joel] Good call.
- [Crow] It's Dom Casual, actually.
- [Tom] Tonight, K-E
double-L O double-dead!
(laughing)
- [Joel] And featuring
Jack no nickname Marshall.
- [Crow] Oh Don.
- [Tom] Oh look, Wee Willy Risser,
my favorite John Ford film.
- [Crow] I have to do that.
- [Tom] I don't get it.
- [Joel] Oh great, the
Gila monster's fictitious,
what a downer.
- [Tom] Oh, Ken Curtis,
Festus from Gunsmoke.
Now, Matthew.
- [Voiceover] The best
to you each morning.
- [Voiceover] Not.
- [Voiceover] We now join Gila
monster, already in progress.
(upbeat music)
- [Joel] Oh, it's a
scene from Truth or Dare.
Hey, the kids are
meetin' in a barber shop.
- [Voiceover] Hey, who
put their comb in my Coke?
- [Crow] Hey, it's
Katharine Hepburn's son.
- [Joel] Dear Liza, I'll get that
door and roof fixed real soon.
Thank you, love.
- Hey gang!
(various greetings)
We'll be charging you
with an entertainment.
(laughing)
- [Crow] Hey, hey, one at a time,
we've only got one boom mike.
- Hey, how are the new tires on the bomb?
- [Joel] Hey, here come Sabrina
and the Groovie Goolies.
(coughing)
- [Crow] It's the magnificent
men and their jaunty jalopies!
- [Joel] Aaron, don't touch me,
I'm all made up, please.
- [Tom] Hey gang, we're
past the room limit.
Some of us have to move into the elevator.
- Where's Pat and Liz,
I thought we'd be the last one's here.
- Yeah, they're probably out
spookin' around somewhere.
(laughing)
- [Joel] Poom!
- Not in his beak.
I worked on it myself.
- That wouldn't make any
difference if he moved
the speed shift or something.
- [Crow] Aw, shut up, pee wee.
- [Joel] Yeah.
- What kept you so long, Lisa?
- Mr. Willis smoked two cigars
at the table after dinner.
And I couldn't get up.
- [Tom] Whoa, whoa, whoa,
honey, speak English, will ya?
- Pat did not come home for this.
That's why his father was upset.
- [Crow] Here, drink this,
it'll make you feel American.
- There's old man Harris.
(Tom, Joel, & Crow humming
"The Munsters Theme")
- That fella has a jewel of a car.
- [Tom] Let me think about that.
Okay.
(laughing)
- [Crow] Hoiman, wait here in the car!
- [Tom] Looks like this is
where old jalopies go to die.
- [Joel] It's TV's lovable Stringbean!
(cheering)
- You wanna sell that deuce?
- [Crow] My little deuce coupe?
You don't know what I got!
- Why you fellers always
askin' me to buy my car?
- That 32 is the ideal
stock to convert to a bomb.
- [Joel] Why do you guys
always throw me down
and steal my wallet?
- It's just like gettin' married.
Or going to New York City.
- [Joel, Tom, Crow] New York City!
- [Joel] Get the rope.
(laughing)
Available for parties and barmitzvers.
- I could get you a good price on that.
- [Voiceover] Again with the finger.
- It's $695 for that car 26 years ago.
10 years ago, wasn't worth a dime.
Last month, I turned down 100 for it.
When it gets back up to
695 again, I'll sell it.
(laughing)
Hey Spook,
give me a snort of that there sody pop.
(laughing)
- [Crow] 'Scuse me, that
one just slipped out.
- Hey gang, you know this will be Lisa's
first trip to a drive-in?
- Aw, we have drive-ins in France, too.
- [Voiceover] Wee, they
play Jerry Lewis movies.
- I went with my brother
on his motor scooter.
(laughing)
- [Joel] Looks like
he's filling the bottle.
(groaning)
- [Crow] Who put sody pop in my sody pop?
- [Tom] Hey, let's go do some crimes, man.
- If the road's clear, I'll
drag you to Bartinell's corner.
- [Crow] Drag me, I'll get the tow chain.
- [Voiceover] You still
runnin' on that old rubber?
- [Joel] Old rubber, no, no, no!
- Hey Spook, when Pat and Liz get here,
will you tell them we went to the drive-in
and for them to catch up?
Thank you.
- We sure will.
- And I'll give you 150 bucks.
- [Crow] To take acting lessons.
- You're talking like my butchers.
- [Joel] Okay, 'nuff said, old timer.
- What are you playin' with, kids?
(laughing)
- [Tom] Oh, it's red man juice.
(groaning)
- [Joel] That guy cracks me up.
I don't know, do you?
- [Tom] One-Adam 12, one-Adam 12,
what are you doing in Wisconsin?
- [Crow] Selznick International
Pictures presents.
- [Tom] I'm Sebastian Cabot,
and this is Ghost Story.
- [Tom] Well gel there program.
- Pat didn't come home last night.
- He didn't?
- No, evidently he was
out with Liz Humphries.
She didn't come home either.
- [Joel] When you due, Sheriff?
- I want you to find out why.
And don't leave a stone
unturned in doing so.
Do I make myself clear?
- I understand Mr. Wheeler.
- [Crow] That's a well fitting suit.
- Wrecks reported last night.
Your son, Pat, about 19 isn't he?
- That's right.
- [Joel] As teens go, yes.
- A year older than I
was when I got married.
- You think they eloped?
- [Tom] No, they can't
elope, they're fruit, get it?
- I didn't say that.
But if they were out together all night,
you better hope they have.
- This is a missing person's report
and I want to know what
you're going to do about it.
- Well, I'll send in an APB
on both of them and the car.
I don't think it'll do much good
if they went off to get married,
they'd already be across the state line.
- Why, if he got married,
I'll ring his neck.
- [Crow] That Jerry
Lee, he's done it again!
- If you ask me, it's that Chase Winston.
He's older than the others.
Sets them all wrong.
Why he's got more influence
on Pat than I have.
- [Tom] Hooker's a good cop.
- Chase Winston does more
about keeping them in line
then getting them in trouble and I know.
He's supported his mother and sister
ever since his dad on
one of your drill rings.
Your son could take a page
outta his book Mr. Wheeler.
- [Joel] Ooh, what a burn.
- When I get through with my
son, he won't have a book left.
Now you locate him, or I'll have your job.
- If you want to be the only peace officer
in 10,000 square miles
and 1,000 miles of road,
you're welcome to it.
- [Crow] This is my
world and welcome to it.
- I'll do everything I can
to locate both of them.
- [Voiceover] Go on home,
they're waiting for you.
(barking)
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
- [Voiceover] Hi Sheriff.
- [Crow] Wish I were.
(laughing)
- [Tom] What is this, The
Misfits all of the sudden?
- Yeah, new to me.
That's the biker I am.
I'd be chasin' bicycles a couple of days.
- Aw, come on Sheriff.
Outside of Pat Wheeler,
we haven't had a ticket in
our gang in eight months.
- I was just kidding.
- [Joel] How much for
the macaroni and cheese.
- What's the mileage on it?
- Oh, about 35,000.
Tell him you bought it from the state.
Those lucky stiffs on highway
get a new car every year.
- Let me have it for a couple of days
and I'll tune it up for you.
(laughing)
- You'd joke it off so
I could never catch it.
- You couldn't catch that
deuce of mine right now.
Now let me have that patrol car.
I'll turn it into a slingshot
that'll catch anything.
- [Tom] A Joe Namath netted slingshot.
(grunting)
- [Joel] What do you dream about?
- Just between us, Liz
Humphries and Pat Wheeler
didn't get home last night.
- They were supposed to
meet us at the drive-in
but they didn't show up.
I wondered what happened.
- [Tom] Hec Ramsey!
- Are they in any kind of trouble?
- What do you mean?
- You know.
- [Joel] You know, like Warren
Beatty and Annette Bening?
- No, I don't think so.
- Chase, level with me.
- [Crow] You think I'm pretty?
- I'm almost positive they
weren't in any trouble.
I'd know.
- [Joel] Mechanics intuition.
- You think they might've
run off to get married?
- They've been going
steady for over a year now.
I know they talked about it.
- [Tom] Well sir, person's got urges.
- Not for right now.
- Did Pat have any money saved?
- [Crow] Jeez, what is
he, the Shell Answer Man?
- Yeah, some.
- Like how much?
- Well, he was talkin'
about gettin' a new blower,
and a mill.
About 500 bucks.
- Where did he get that kind of money?
- [Crow] Bake sale.
- Saved it.
His old man gives him a good allowance
when he's not mad at him.
- What bank does he use?
- [Tom] Hooterville Savings and Loan, why?
- Could've saved it to
get married, could he?
- I guess he can do
whatever he wants with it.
- [Joel] Looks like the
garage of Doctor Caligari.
- His old man put him down flat.
- I know.
But Pat's smart enough
to provide for himself
'til his old man cooled off.
- [Joel] Dong, dong, dong.
- [Crow] Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
- Did you check the hospitals?
- Yeah.
Where could I find the rest of the gang?
- [Joel] Gang land?
- I don't know about Bob and Gordi,
but Chuck and Rec went over to Easton.
They wanted to check with the Wheel Cats
about next Saturday night's platter party.
- Next Saturday night?
- Yeah.
- You warn the gang I'll be cruising
that pass that night.
No draggin'.
- [Joel] Aw, and he just
bought those red, satin pumps.
- You get any postcards
from those two, let me know.
- [Crow] Say, nice J. Crew barn jacket.
- [Tom] Meanwhile, at
Grandma's lake cottage
in Frederic, Wisconsin.
- Hi Sheriff!
- [Joel] Hey Mr. Douglas,
I got those bodies buried just in time.
(door knocking)
- [Tom] Were just waiting by the door?
- [Joel] Junior Samples!
- Hello Sheriff.
(Crow yelling)
- She's a good girl, Sheriff.
- [Crow] God, you're ugly.
- How come you drove around
the truck all night, then?
- [Joel] Well, let's just say
I'm acquainted with the night.
- You don't think she might've eloped?
- Could be.
She's pretty closed-mouth
about her affairs.
- Maude likes a Wheeler.
He ain't marrying our kind.
- [Tom] Here's we're just
simple white trash folk.
- Just dropped around to let you know
I'm doing everything I can.
- We know that Sheriff.
We sure do appreciate it.
(spitting)
- Never had any trouble
lookin' after kids.
- Let me know if I can help, Sheriff.
(blaring)
- [Man] Quit worryin' this way.
Got to trust in the Lord.
- [Crow] Crazy Amish folk.
(Tom, Joel, & Crow humming
"The Munsters Theme")
- Morning Sheriff.
- Let me smell your breath.
- [Crow] Nice uvula.
- Okay, go ahead.
- [Joel] Set me free, booze, I need you.
- Hi Chase.
- [Chase] Hi.
- [Crow] Still got your knee up, I see.
- Yeah, she's all set.
- Good.
My boy, that's one trip
I'm glad I don't have to make very often.
- The stuff heavy?
I'll help you unload.
- [Tom] Ready and up!
- Wheeler's takin' that oil well
and he's afraid of fire when he comes in.
- [Crow] What the heck are you saying?
- Wants us to keep it
out back in store hours.
- [Tom] Will Rogers Follies
will continue after this.
- I made $100 for that stuff.
Dad showed me how to use it.
- [Tom] Mom told you not to use it.
- Well, I'm sorry I was late gettin' back.
With that cargo, I was afraid to do
five miles an hour.
- [Crow] Was English your first language?
- It's not dangerous as long
as it's in a nitro case.
- But I took these outta the case.
(gasping)
- You're lucky to be
standing talkin' about it.
- [Voiceover] Hey, don't go away sore,
let's talk it through.
- [Tom] Oh, hi mom.
Hey, don't get up, here's
your chili and your water.
- [Crow] Did we win the war son?
- [Tom] Shut up, mom.
- [Crow] Okay.
- My tax in the safe now?
- [Crow] Get your knee up, boy, c'mon.
There we go.
- Is that nitro safe out there?
- If it decides to blow,
it's not safe anywhere.
- [Crow] Is it safe?
(ringing)
- [Tom] My knee's ringing.
- I'll get it.
- That's not our ring.
- No, it's the Sheriff's.
If there's been a wreck,
I get a tow job out of it.
- [Tom] Oh wow.
- You work all the
angles, don't you, Chase?
- Mr. Compton, I have to.
- [Crow] He's a geometry teacher.
Oh yes (panting).
What are you wearing?
I'm putting my knee up right now.
- [Tom] Sweet erosion.
(heavy breathing)
We've heard enough!
- [Crow] I feel so dirty.
- There's been a wreck,
12 miles out of town.
Where's the wrecker?
- Oh, I used the A frame to
build a doggone rock garden.
Look, you take your car and
keep the city's records off.
I'll get our wreck and follow you.
- [Tom] And we can clear away
the wreckage of our sordid past.
(police siren blaring)
- [Tom] N. Y. P. D.!
We know you're here.
There's no one else in the
county and you use your siren.
(laughing)
- [Crow] They've got this
angled parking thing all wrong.
- [Tom] Is there anything I can
put my knee up on here, boy?
- I wondered who was on
that party line a while ago.
- Cost me to get on that line with you.
I figured since it was on
your call station anyway,
you wouldn't care.
- There's a pretty good one.
- Yeah.
- [Tom] Looks like a cat
climbed up on the grill, woof.
- [Sheriff] This engine's still warm.
- Say, did you see the
skid marks out here?
They go at a direct right angle
than the direction of travel.
- [Crow] Hey, sounds like
Robert Klein's around here.
- No digs in the mechanum either.
- [Tom] Sad, really.
- [Sheriff] Somebody was hurt in here,
there's blood all over the upholstery.
- [Tom] Nothing scapes
you, oldie, does it?
- There's nobody here.
- Real good?
- Yeah, real good.
Well, maybe somebody came
by and picked them up.
Could've been the people that called in.
- No, they'd of said something.
- Then why didn't they wait?
- People who go to the
trouble to report an accident
but they won't stay around,
don't want to fill out the reports.
- [Tom] Yeah, nobody likes a lousy snitch.
- Well, I'll take the license
number and engine number.
Call headquarters.
Maybe they've got
a line on 'em.
- [Tom] You are headquarters.
- [Crow] Hey, what are you looking at?
That's official police property.
- How are you headlights.
- [Joel] I don't have head lice.
- Both of 'em burning?
How many times have I warned you
about gettin' that headlamp fixed?
- [Joel] About a ka-jillion, sir.
- But the first time it
was just a suggestion.
- COB only costs four dollars.
- [Voiceover] The tender headlight theme.
(whimpering)
- Missy?
- The doctor said she'd be able
to start walking again pretty soon,
took all I had to make a part
down payment on her braces.
- [Joel] Gosh, the moonlight
does crazy things to your hair, sir.
- Well, I think this
is a complete wash out.
- [Tom] These folks are dead,
not much else we can do.
- You probably got a screwdriver.
- [Joel] No, but I've
got a Singapore Sling.
- [Tom] Ba-boons.
- I don't think the insurance company
would miss one of those headlamps.
- [Tom] Yeah, that guy's not gonna miss
his credit cards either, you know?
- [Crow & Tom] Hey, one, two, one, two.
- Come on, Crow, Lindy.
Ow, your beak.
- What about my beak?
- Big ol' beak.
- Hey, hey, you guys quiet down.
Hi, do you like to make money?
Sure, we all do.
Well, do you realize,
hey, move aside,
do you realize you might have a goldmine
sitting in that empty pantry
or linen closet at home?
Yeah, sure, just do what I do
and turn that empty closet
space into a gold mine
by turning it into a teen
pavilion slash barber shop,
just like in today's movie
The Giant Gila Monster.
(cheering)
- Silent gone, Jasper.
- Couple of freaks down here.
- Kids, will you step aside.
You guys and their teen lingo.
You know, all you gotta do is clear away
some of the more hazardous cleanser,
stock up on plenty of
health-licious and delicious
snacks and beverages and
then tune in your prop radio
into the appropriate teen dance tune.
(cheering)
- You make me sweat, Tommy.
- Me too, ha.
Let's go get something cool and slippery
from the stupid jerk.
- Oh, good idea.
- [Tom] Stupid jerk here.
- Tom, it's soda jerk,
would you guys straighten up
and fly with me on this one?
Come on, this is my sketch.
- All right, pops.
Shoot us a couple of Blue Floyds.
- What's a Blue Floyd?
- Crammedy this guy.
- Okay, daddy, we'll talk you through.
Just put two scoops of
ice cream in a blender.
- No, three scoops, three scoops.
- Oh yeah, three scoops.
Add some malted milk.
- [Joel] Three scoops
of ice cream.
- Then fill the top with
cool, menthol barber-cide.
- And garnish with a comb.
- Oh, come on you guys, that's it.
The fun time's over.
This is my sketch,
you guys never go along
with me on these things.
I stop, I quit it.
- Come on, Joel.
- [Crow] Come on, baby.
We're just funnin' ya.
- Every time you guys the
robots come up with some
half-baked idea I try to go
along with it and be supportive,
but the minute Joel has an
idea for a presentation,
in run the baby Teddy
Ruxpins and spoil everything.
- Okay, fine, next time
you can get your precious
Gypsy to help you.
- Hey Gypsy, come here.
- [Crow] Gypsy, no, it's too small.
(yelling)
- These two, nothin' but trouble.
Back after this.
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
(whimpering)
- [Joel] Just be quiet,
don't let it happen again.
- [Tom] It's young Jimmy
Morrison as the lizard king.
- [Crow] Here comes Fred Sanford.
- [Tom] I'm feeling mighty peckish.
Snack time.
- [Joel] Good afternoon, sir or madam,
I'd like to show you
Encyclopedia Britannica
if you just take a--
- [Tom] Damn, I thought
selling door to door was hard.
- [Crow] I just love dining al fresco.
- [Joel] And that's the
guy's name, Al Fresco,
can you believe it?
- [Crow] I can't get that tune
outta my head, I don't know.
- [Tom] The road company
of Death of a Salesman
ladies and gentlemen.
- [Crow] I'll eat him
with relish (laughing).
Lizard jokes.
- [Tom] Fava beans.
- [Joel] C. Everett Koop,
I've been meaning to quit.
It's a Montclair Moment!
- [Crow] Hey, can I bum a smoke?
(screaming)
- [Tom] And for killing that salesman,
you win this Samsonite luggage.
Oh, have an accident?
No thanks, just had one.
- Car was going out of state.
- [Crow] Insured by Allstate.
- [Sheriff] So whoever's
stole it is hurt or not
as long as they can navigate.
- [Tom] I'm a poet and I don't know it.
- Is there anything else
I can do here, Sheriff?
If not, I'll get this back to the garage.
- Go ahead.
Chase, you give me a hand?
- [Crow] No, cinch up
your own pants, Sheriff.
- Those skid marks.
You stand by them for scale.
- [Tom] Skid marks, you're
a sick man, Sheriff.
- [Joel] Wait, that's my car!
- [Crow] Let's see, I
got tires, headlights,
now if I could just get a roof.
- [Joel] Man, night
falls fast in Tennessee.
- [Tom] I'm guessing a Northwest
flight passed overhead.
- [Crow] Entrapment, I smell a frame up.
Luggage cake.
- [Tom] Can I see your
claim check, please?
Yeah.
- Trouble Chase?
- Don't know, Sheriff.
Take a look.
- [Tom] That's an easy
one, it's a suitcase.
- Probably fell off a car.
- No scratches on it.
- Well, maybe it landed in a bush.
- [Tom] You know, a smart fella
could put his knee up on such a thing.
- Was it just like that when you found it?
- [Crow] When I angled it two degrees to.
- Probably belonged to some hitchhiker.
- [Tom] That's a leap of faith.
- Might've belonged to that fella
that stole that car and wrecked it.
- [Joel] Go ahead, pick it up one of ya,
you know you wanna.
- [Tom] Go on!
- Gotta say, look at this.
- [Tom] Looks like Edward R.
Murrow's been through here.
- [Joel] I specialize in
previously owned cigarette butts.
- [Sheriff] Half a pack of cigarettes.
One unlit.
- [Tom] I can't decide which one to eat,
they both look so good!
- That suitcase don't
belong to any car thief,
he was around here too long.
I'll take it in.
- I'll put it in the car for you.
- Somebody will be around to claim it.
See you later, son.
- Right, Sheriff.
(eerie music)
- [Crow] Son.
Wait, he called me son!
No wonder Mom cries when
I mention the sheriff.
(eerie music)
- [Joel] You know, when
I look at the human race,
I gotta laugh.
I got a chickpea for a brain
and I'm still smarter
than they are, go figure.
I'll be right back after these words.
(car driving)
- [Crow] 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
- [Tom] I'd say it looks like he's early
for the panty raid on the dorm.
- [Joel] Oh, thank goodness the
IHOP's still open, you know?
- [Tom] Pancakes are up for everybody.
(cheering)
- [Joel] Well, it's just about
time for him to put his knee,
(clapping and laughing)
yup, called it!
- [Tom] How'd you call that?
- [Crow] Ooh-la-la, Rooty
Tooty Fresh 'n Fruity for me!
Were you putting your knee up again?
Aren't I enough for you?
- Hey.
- [Tom] Hey, you're getting
Dippity-Do on my coat.
- I got your phone call.
- When I was serving
dinner to Mr. Wheeler,
he became very angry.
He said if I saw you again
he would have me sent back to France.
- He can't do that.
- Oh yes, he can.
He's my sponsor.
He put up the barn.
- That was to guarantee
that you wouldn't become
a warden of the state.
- [Tom] Burt Ward?
- But we don't have to
worry about any of that.
You know how to speak English well enough
to get a job anywhere.
- [Crow] Yeah, maybe at a seven 11.
- [Tom] Doh!
- What's you worry 'bout?
- Nothing.
- I don't want to go with it.
(smacking)
- You won't have to, honey.
(burping)
- He'll think it's your
fault Pat ran away.
- Well, he can think
whatever he wants to think.
- [Tom] Here, let's go
rent The Errand Boy.
- We hadn't better take any chances.
You go back inside,
and look, don't worry.
Everything's going to be okay.
- [Joel] What the.
French people sure do kiss funny.
(cars driving)
- [Tom] Transportation servitive
provided by catty limousine.
We get you there safe, or we don't pay.
In Hannah's Port and Palm Beach.
- [Joel] It's a speed bump with no tongue!
(car skidding)
- [Crow] He's an excellent driver.
Definitely an excellent driver.
He's not wearing his underwear.
- [Joel] Man, I've been
following you around for days
just hoping you might need a tow job.
- You all right?
- All right?
- [Tom] All right, I'm
great, here, wait a minute.
I'll let you look at me full-size.
- I'm superb.
(Tom hiccuping)
No corners, I'm a round here.
- [Crow] Is there an
interpreter in there with you?
- Smith.
Horatio Alger Smith.
- [Crow] Potato head.
- [Joel] But you can call me sugar lumps.
- How'd you get in the ditch?
You fall asleep?
- Oh, no, no.
There was this big pink and black thing,
drove right in front of me.
- [Crow] Uh huh.
- It had stripes this wide.
- [Crow] Yeah,
alcoholism sure is a hoot.
- I'll get your car out.
- Okay, that sounds like.
- [Tom] Lean on me, baby.
Yup, scene.
Get moody up here, yup.
What's he doin'?
- [Crow] Hey.
- Hey, man, you can't drive this car.
Fender's cutting the wheel.
- Sure I can, the motor works, see.
But that's for everything, dad.
You're a cotton-pickin' prince.
(laughing)
(car revving)
- Okay, just a second.
I'll get out of the way.
- [Crow] We thought it would be funny
to make a hopeless
drunk try to drive a car
while it's hooked to a tow truck.
Let's watch.
(car honking)
- What is it?
- [Tom] It's a State Farm insurance scene.
You like it?
- [Joel] This scene is funny.
(laughing)
- [Crow] Wide track tires
stabilize your ride.
(car honking)
- What is it, now?
- [Tom] Oh, it's the Aamco theme.
That's even better.
- Steering wheel won't work.
(laughing)
- [Joel] This strikes me as humorous.
How can he drive when he's
hooked up to a tow truck?
The whole concept strikes me as absurd.
(laughing)
(Crow sputtering)
- [Crow] I'm driving. (sputtering)
- [Joel] Honk honk!
State Farm insurance.
(hammering)
- ♫ Rock my baby, she rocks ♫
- [Crow] Get these spiders off me.
(Crow whimpering)
- ♫ My baby's a rock and roll lady ♫
- [Tom] Rhythm, huh?
(laughing)
- [Crow] Huh, hold up.
- [Tom] Oh, gee buddy,
I hate a cappella.
- [Chase] ♫ Sing, sing, sing
for a little diamond ring ♫
- [Tom] Oh, so that's who I am.
- [Chase] ♫ Swing and
sing and bells are ringing
♫ Happy playing is
pleasure ringing, baby ♫
- [Tom] Do, do-do, do-do, do-do.
- [Chase] ♫ My baby she
- [Tom] Shut up!
Shut up, shut up! (whimpering)
- [Chase] ♫ Sing, rings
whenever I bring her things ♫
- [Tom] Say.
- [Joel] I think I'll take
after him with that handle.
- [Chase] ♫ Swing and sing
and bells are ringing ♫
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
- [Crow] Shut up, shut up, shut up!
- [Chase] ♫ and baby ♫
Good afternoon, Mr. Smith.
- [Joel] Did I do something last night
I'm not going to be proud of?
- Guys have had their heads
chopped off for less than that.
- For what?
- [Crow] For singing,
a-singing, a-singing.
- So doggone good when I feel so bad.
How did I get here, anyway?
- I towed you in this morning, remember?
- [Tom] I towed you, but I left the car.
- I remember very, very little.
- [Joel] But don't worry,
you were a perfect gentleman.
- I didn't see any other cars.
- How'd you ever get
me in that bed, anyway.
- [Tom] It was your cologne.
- I carried you in there and I sat on you
until you fell asleep.
- [Joel] Oh, wow.
- Quite a chore.
- You wouldn't have gotten
very far in your condition.
- [Crow] It was fun, I didn't mind.
- I appreciate it.
- Chase Winston.
- Chase.
Mind telling how much I owe you?
- Well, I bent the fender
out from the wheel.
Want me to fill it in
and touch it up for you?
- [Joel] Uh, you've touched enough, Chase.
- I'll get that done when
I get back to the city.
- [Tom] Yogurt?
- Coffee.
- Oh, great.
(slurping)
- How 'bout two bucks.
- [Crow] Two bucks, that's outrageous!
I'm not paying.
- This coffee's worth
two bucks all by itself.
How 'bout the tow?
- No, I was coming this way anyway.
Missed out on a little studying time.
Make it three bucks?
- [Tom] Kid, you're dumber
than a bag of hammers.
- Sort of, I take a correspondence
course in engineering.
- [Crow] Line city vo-tech.
- I really feel indebted to you,
and I'd like to do
something to pay you back.
Next time you're in the
town, that's my card,
look me up, will you?
- Will do.
- Okay.
Oh, and by the way.
- [Joel] Here's a Denny's coupon,
good any time after midnight, enjoy.
- Buy yourself a sponge rubber hammer man.
(laughing)
I'll see you, Chase.
- Thank you.
- [Crow] No, thank you!
- [Tom] Oh no, thank you.
- [Crow] No, thank you.
- [Tom] No, please, thank you.
- Steamroller Smith.
The disc jockey!
- [Joel] Hey, I love your morning show,
especially when you make goofy
phone calls to celebrities!
- Two 20's!
- [Tom] That makes $30, wow!
(chuckling)
- [Crow] Well, she
swings whenever she sings
whenever she sings, la da
dee da dee da dum dum dum.
- Sheriff.
- [Joel] I think you're
seeing too much of me.
- Heard anything from Pat and Liz?
- No, nothing.
- Chase, I'm in a jam.
I need your help.
Wheeler swings a big enough
stick in this country
to make it rough.
And he's doing it.
- [Tom] Are you lookin' on
a different script, Sheriff?
- I can understand his concern about Pat,
but I just don't have a big enough force
to comb this area inch by inch.
- Is he demanding that?
- There was a man killed in a wreck
in a small canyon in a big city last year.
And it took them 19 days to find him.
I don't know what they expect of me.
- Yeah, I remember that.
- [Crow] I love your defeatist attitude.
- Look, Sheriff, maybe I
can get tomorrow off and
I'll get the gang and we can
go out and search that pass.
At least you can put that in your report.
- [Joel] And smoke it.
- I was hoping
you'd say that.
I can start at the upper
end and work towards ya.
Can I have your help in another matter?
- Sure, what?
- You remember how those
skid marks just went
at right angles to the
direction the car would travel?
- [Crow] Hey, would you
drop the skid marks.
- [Tom] Really.
- Headquarters think I'm nuts.
- Well then they're nuts.
- [Joel] Headquarters
be right.
- Didn't you send them that picture?
- I'm not the world's
greatest photographer.
Picture didn't come out.
Can't see the skid marks
on the blacktop.
- [Tom] Would you forget
the skid marks!
- Well, that's what happened.
I even wiped up the rubber
dust with my fingers.
- You might have to sign a
statement to that affect for me.
- You got it.
Look, you can even see the
bald spots on the tires
where they went sideways.
- [Crow] Oh, don't say
bald spot, I'm sensitive.
- But there's another
thing that puzzles me.
- [Tom] Howie Mandel.
What's the appeal?
- How those tires got off of that car.
- [Joel] Come on, don't tease us,
put your legs up, you know you wanna.
- And on my rod they
can prevent a blow out.
Maybe even an accident.
- [Tom] Travolta in Blow Out.
- Well, take good care of 'em
in case the owner shows up.
- Right.
- See you tomorrow.
- Right.
(Crow laughing)
- [Crow] What a dink.
(Tom, Joel, & Crow humming)
- [Tom] Hey, what gives,
we were gonna make out here.
- Let's call it a day.
We've covered half the
roads in this county
- [Tom] Hello, I'm Larry
Miller, how are you?
- How 'bout that brook.
That runs along here
for about eight miles.
- [Joel] Gee, we can
really pan out the movie
with that reveal.
- All right.
- [Crow] As long as I
get to be Tige Andrews.
- [Joel] No, we've decided
you're already Larry Miller.
(car driving)
- [Tom] Sing whatever and eat the teens.
A sing (babbling).
I'm your boyfriend now (babbling).
- [Joel] Darling, how does that go,
sing, when you sing with
the whatever the thing.
- [Crow] Oh, never mind, hey,
honey Spalding Gray's performing
Monster in a Box down here.
- [Joel] No, really?
Oh, I'm big, I'm really big.
There's no way to describe
just how enormous,
but thanks for your patronage.
Enjoy this next upcoming
event from out west, enjoy.
Notice they built the fort down here
and everything dear.
- [Crow] Truss puppy,
hey cut that out.
(Tom moaning)
- [Crow] That'll hurt.
(eerie music)
See honey, all this could be yours.
- Sure is beat down around here.
- [Tom] Yup, yup.
- What is that?
- What is it, Chase?
- [Tom] It's a bridge!
- Looks like an animal of some
sort walking around here.
- [Tom] Taylor branch.
- You mean, it was animal here?
- Sure, could be anything,
even a mountain lion.
(Crow meowing)
Oh come on.
- [Joel] Kitty cat.
Now that was a huge log
I was hauling earlier.
I'm very immense and huge, believe me,
thanks a lot, enjoy the rest of the show,
and head out to the lobby and
enjoy a delicious bon-bon.
- [Tom] Bon-bon?
- [Joel] I don't make
this noise myself, folks,
it's called folly.
I'll be back later with another fun fact.
Thanks, and enjoy.
- [Crow] Hey, he put on a
little weight for the role,
just like De Niro.
- [Tom] No, that is De Niro.
- [Joel] He's dedicated.
Very, very dedicated.
- [Crow] He's cute.
(chuckling)
- Thirsty?
- Yes, but, haven't we
gone far enough, Chase?
- [Joel] Uh oh, don't
drink, that's my urine.
I don't even do that.
- Oh that's bitter.
- [Crow] What do you expect?
- It's got an awful lot of mineral in it.
- Come on, let's go.
- Well wait a minute.
Let's take a breather first.
- Chase, I.
- [Tom] He's doing a Gap commercial.
- Let's go back.
- Are you afraid?
Now you come on over here with me,
sit in the shade.
- [Joel] Oh yeah.
(humming)
- [Crow] Whoa, ow.
- [Joel] I like to watch. (babbling)
No, do it like this.
- [Tom] Huh?
(car honking)
- [Joel] Come on, let's go already.
- [Tom] These kids today, I tell ya.
(car honking)
- [Crow] Sh! Come one.
- [Tom] (coughing) Hey
gang, I drank lizard urine.
(grunting)
- It's Pat's car at
the bottom of the wash.
Two or three miles back
by the old reservoir.
- Were they in it?
- No, nothing.
- [Crow] So, you called us up for that?
Geez!
(Tom booing)
- [Tom] Did I ever tell you
about the six levels of drinking.
It's really fascinating.
(car revving)
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
(moaning)
- [Tom] Oh, here comes this guy.
- Hello, Crow.
(laughing)
- Oh, he got it wrong.
- Hiya Tom Servo.
(laughing)
I am Mr. Day here.
- Hey, look at me.
Isn't this something.
- Crazy Guggenheim,
one of the truly funny drunks.
- You know, you just
don't see comical drunks
like the ones in this week's
experiment anymore, do you?
- What happened now?
When did public intoxication
stop being funny?
- Well, I think the '60's
were kind of the golden age
of the funny drunk.
Remember Otis, from Mayberry?
- Oh yeah.
Sandy, I'll just let
myself in to the jail.
(laughing and hiccuping)
- What about Dean Martin?
He was really funny when
he was drunk, wasn't he?
- Yeah, he was also very cool, you know.
I think it would be a good
idea if we each did our
favorite funny drunk.
- Me first, me first.
I got one already.
I'm gonna be the guy who calls you,
who gets really drunk, calls
you at three in the morning,
and tells you what a good friend you are.
Joel, help me out on this.
You can do the guy on the
other end of the phone.
- Okay.
- [Tom] I'll do the ring.
(mimics ringing)
- Hello?
- Hi, you know what man?
You're a really good friend.
No, really, you're a good friend.
(Joel and Tom laughing)
I love you man, I love you,
you're a beautiful person, I admire you.
You made something of yourself man.
You got out of this town.
- [Tom] Joel?
- I think that's great man.
- Bail me out, buddy, will ya?
- I'll never get out.
- Crow, Crow, Crow,
that's very good, very funny.
(Crow whimpering)
Very poignant.
Very bittersweet.
- Thank you.
- [Joel] Tom, you want
to do yours?
- Well, I'm gonna be everyone's
favorite funny drunk.
I'm gonna be the life of
the party on New Year's Eve,
if you know what I mean.
Just imagine now, get this,
I have either a lampshade or a
fez perhaps on my head there.
Okay, here we go.
Hey everybody, it's almost
midnight! (hiccuping)
Guess I'll see you next year!
(Tom and Crow laughing)
(Tom grunting)
- Oh my god, my only
friend is having a stroke.
(Crow whimpering)
Tommy, Tommy (whimpering).
- [Gypsy] Hey Joel.
- What?
- Give your friend Gypsy a
big, sloppy red one, huh?
(kiss smacking)
- You guys, stop it,
this isn't funny anymore.
- Guys, did we just do an
after school special, here?
- Well, I don't think so,
I haven't seen Scott Baio on the premises.
(laughing)
- Well, actually, since
we've moved into that genre,
I think it's time to do
the poignant, thoughtful
ending, don't you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Rarely have we seen a person fail
- [Joel, Tom] who has
thoroughly followed our path.
- [Joel, Tom, , Crow]
Our story is disclosed
in a general way what happened.
- [All] What we were like,
and what we are like now.
(alarm beeping)
We got serenity saddle!
Let's go!
- Turn the motor on.
The wince is already engaged.
Now, if I yell, turn the key off.
- [Lisa] Okay.
- [Crow] Now what's this guy doing?
- [Tom] No, no, no, the steering
wheel's on the other side.
What are you from Europe or something?
- Okay?
Go ahead!
- [Crow] Should I go backwards?
- [Tom] Go ahead!
- [Crow] Um, I thought
you said go backwards.
- [Tom] That's right, go ahead!
- [Crow] Um,
- [Tom] Yes?
- [Crow] But should I go left?
- [Tom] Right!
- [Crow] Tell me, should I go left?
- [Tom] Right!
- [Crow] That's what I'm asking.
- [Tom] Right!
- [Crow] So this?
- [Tom] No left!
Ladies and gentlemen, join us next week
for another edition of Abbott
and Costello Playhouse.
(chuckling)
- [Joel] Folks, I tried to get
them to rewrite this scene.
Next time, I'll assist on final cut.
Enjoy my special spring project.
- That a girl, that a girl.
Keep going.
- [Tom] Crawl it over on us, now.
- Go five!
- [Tom] I really get a sense
of where that monster is,
don't you?
- [Crow] Mmhmm, yeah.
- You did fine, honey.
- [Crow] I'll be using
this condescending tone
'til the mid '70's.
- Yeah, we'll meet you
back at the garage, okay?
- Okay, let's go, Jenny.
- [Crow] Can't that woman use a door?
- [Joel] I sing whenever,
oh no, I'm doing it, oh.
(car revving)
- [Tom] Look, a cheese shredder.
- [Joel] Well, I'm getting really hungry.
I've gotta stop letting
them get away, folks.
Until next time, good night and God bless.
(Tom, Joel, & Crow humming
"The Munsters Theme")
- [Crow] So, the entire town revolves
around the towing business.
- [Tom] Pretty much.
- [Woman] See ya later.
- [Tom] He sings whenever
he sings whenever he sings!
Ah, forget it.
- [Crow] Hi, you guys fixin' cars?
Can I hang around some?
- What did you find?
- By the reservoir and William's wash,
they weren't in it.
No sign of blood or anything.
I think they were thrown clear.
- Search the area?
- [Tom] Isn't that your job?
- Down the ravine for about a mile.
Well, we looked beyond the wreck
for a couple hundred yards.
Wouldn't you say, Gordy?
- At least that far.
- You see any footprints?
- No, none.
- [Joel] Looks like Tige
Andrews in the middle there.
- [Tom] No, it's Larry Miller.
- [Joel] Larry Miller, huh?
- Drives the same as that Sedan.
Like it's been hit with
a 10 ton rubber mouth.
- [Tom] Is that a fantasy
of yours, Sheriff?
- Rough trip down that
cliff, but could've done it.
- Yeah.
I'll have to go over
that area with a rake.
- [Crow] You are a rake. (laughing)
- You know, I've been thinking,
if Liz and Pat had eloped,
they wouldn't have taken his car.
'Cause old man Wheeler would
have it traced right off.
- Well, maybe he stored it, Chase,
and then it was stolen.
- [Tom] Larry Miller, ladies
and gentlemen, Larry Miller.
- Somebody parked it there.
Well, the brakes could have
made it, rolled off the edge.
- It would be a strange coincidence
if they came back to
this part of the county.
Possibility makes some sense.
I'll get my gear and
dust for fingerprints.
- [Crow] Oh, Rochester,
will you dust the truck?
- Gosh, I wish you boys
would have called me
before you drug it out.
I might've found some
clues to help us out.
- [Tom] (laughing) You could find a clue.
- The hard part's telling Mr. Wheeler.
I sure dread that.
- Not like we found them there.
- He's sure gonna raise Ned
'cause I didn't find this wreck sooner.
- [Tom] Ned? Raise Ned?
- Where's Mr. Compton?
- Oh, he we down to the field
with a load of fuel oil.
Back in two or three hours.
I'm gonna close up.
- I'll see you later.
- [Joel] I know, I know,
that's what I'm afraid of.
(laughing)
- [Tom] Real change, folks.
- [Crow] It's the wages of fear.
- [Joel] I sing whenever
I sing whenever she sings.
(hiccuping)
(yelling)
- [Joel] Whoa!
- [Crow] Wow, the first
cool thing in the movie!
- [Joel] I just know I'm
gonna take the blame for this,
and I wasn't even close!
- [Tom] Meanwhile, back
that the Joad house.
- Hi Mom.
Sign a plate.
- Just a minute, not so fast, there.
- What for?
- [Crow] Lean right guard mom?
(Mom laughing)
- Did you ever play football?
- With the Green Bay Packers.
- Hike!
(laughing)
- [Joel] That's not right,
picking up your mom and
playing football with her.
That's wrong!
Crazy people.
- [Tom] Oedipus, you put me down.
You'll poke your eyes out.
(Tom grunting)
- Keep 'em closed.
- This is silly.
- [Tom] Uh oh.
- Look what Lisa got me.
Stay there, Chase.
Watch.
(Crow sniffling)
- [Crow] Tugging at the heartstrings.
This isn't fair.
(whimpering)
- [Joel] I thought you meant
braces on your teeth, honey.
- [Tom] Take 'em back, they don't work.
- I can get up.
(Crow whimpering)
- [Crow] This is so tender.
Oh, it's so cute.
- [Tom] I can't take it.
(whimpering)
- [Crow] Whoa, the braces
shorted out the house.
(whimpering)
- [Chase] That was wonderful,
baby, just wonderful.
- I've been practicing all afternoon.
Ever since Lisa brought the braces over.
And I walked all the way, twice.
I want to do it right for you.
- [Tom] Uh huh, that's neat.
Who's your friend?
- [Crow] Okay, back in the case.
- [Joel] Silly chatterbox,
they're on the wrong feet.
(ukulele strumming)
- [Chase] ♫ There was a mushroom ♫
- [Tom] It's Raffi!
Here he is.
- [Chase] ♫ Sad little
♫ mushroom ♫
- [Joel] He really did come
with a banjo on his knee.
- ♫ Ready to cry
♫ There was a sparrow ♫
- [Crow] I'm gonna go
listen to my cat scream.
- [Chase] ♫ There was an eagle ♫
- [Tom] ♫ Who was a tow truck operator
♫ Who couldn't sing to save his life ♫
- ♫ The Lord said ♫
- [Tom] ♫ Tip toe through the tulips ♫
- ♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh
♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh
♫ The Lord said laugh, laugh, laugh ♫
- [Crow] Ouch, tough room.
- [Joel] She's trying to wish him
into the cornfields right now.
- ♫ And all that is left
to complete the joy ♫
- [Tom] ♫ If it wasn't for the
- [All] ♫ blue tail fly
♫ Jimmy crack corn
♫ and I don't care ♫
- ♫ Yeah
♫ Yeah ♫
- [Joel] I have to smile, he's my brother.
- ♫ And there was a garden ♫
- [Tom] ♫ I got a fast tow truck ♫
- ♫ A beautiful garden ♫
- [Joel] He's improvising now.
- ♫ Of a world without joy ♫
- [Crow] Thanks for cheering us up.
- [Chase] ♫ Then there was laughter ♫
- [Joel] Well, we assume that.
- [Chase] ♫ Wonderful laughter
♫ For he created ♫
- [Tom] Boy, you know, I
just love a Sammy Cahn lyric.
- ♫ And the Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh ♫
- [Joel] This is the Chapin
brother they don't talk about.
- [Crow] I'm gonna kill him.
(Crow mimics child giggling)
- ♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh
♫ The Lord said laugh ♫
- [Tom] Whoa, he's going
into his head voice.
- ♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh ♫
- [Joel] Yup, smells like teen spirit.
- [Tom] Take it home, brother.
- ♫ The Lord said laugh ♫
- [Tom] Please.
- ♫ Laugh ♫
(Crow gasping)
- [Crow] No, not the coda.
- [Crow, Tom, & Joel] No!
- [Joel] That's real nice,
but it doesn't help my legs.
- Laughing's important, isn't it Chase?
- It sure is.
(Tom yelping)
And you know, I never felt
any more like laughing.
- [Crow] Thanks a lot.
- I didn't think you'd be able
to do that good in a week.
- Didn't you really?
- Honest.
But you know, you're gonna
have to work real hard.
You mustn't be disappointed.
Takes a long time, okay?
- [Crow] Now, scram, I got a dame here.
- It's your bedtime.
- Do I have to, Chase?
- You sure do.
- [Tom] Yup.
- [Chase] Show me how you can walk.
- [Crow] Get out before
he starts playing again.
- Good night, Lisa.
- [Tom] Little grand-stander, you.
You gotta love her.
- [Joel] Don't ever sing that song again.
- That was a wonderful
thing for you to do, Lisa.
- I wanted to.
- Now you're broke, aren't you?
- [Joel] No, but my spirit is.
- I was gonna pick 'em up in the morning.
- I know.
When you showed me that money,
I was afraid that you'd get there first.
(phone ringing)
- Well, I'm still
gonna pay you for it.
- No.
(phone ringing)
- Yes.
(phone ringing)
- No.
(phone ringing)
- Yes.
- [Tom] Yes! (laughing)
- Hello.
- [Crow] (laughing) How
are things at headquarters?
- Well he should've been back an hour ago.
- [Joel] He's phoning in his lines.
- Where?
No, it couldn't be Mr. Compton.
- [Crow] You don't say.
- All right.
- [Crow] You don't say.
- At the garage?
All right, I'm leaving now.
- [Crow] You don't say.
- What is it?
- [Crow] He didn't say.
(laughing)
- Honey, I'm awfully
sorry, but I gotta leave.
- Here he comes now, Sheriff.
- [Crow] Hide the flask.
- [Sheriff] Come on.
- Wait a minute, Sheriff,
you got a sore foot.
- [Sheriff] Aw son.
- [Tom] What?
Gotta shoot him.
Oh.
- Take my model ace,
it's all shiny bright.
- No, we'll take my car.
- [Joel] Shut up
cookie pants, get in.
- No, I didn't see it,
but I sure heard about it.
- Can I open this thing up?
- Yeah, go ahead.
- [Tom] No, but I'm flattered.
- [Joel] Check your rims.
- [Crow] Let's get going.
(Tom mimicking car sputtering)
- [Tom] Why don't ya do the
next scene down at the garage.
(car driving)
(car driving)
- [Joel] Hey, on three let's
throw the old guy out, huh?
Ready, one, two, oh, we're here already.
Chinese fire drill, everybody out.
- [Tom] Aw geez, absolutely
no salvage with this one.
Aw, look at the poor guy.
Let's stick some cloves in him.
- [Crow] Tires look good.
- [Voiceover] Be careful, it's pretty hot.
- He's not in it.
- The man get hurt and crawled away.
- [Joel] Sheriff face the fact
the man's dead.
- [Crow] Just look for a burning guy.
- Find anything, Sheriff?
- Let's go over this again.
- [Joel] Uh oh.
- How did you get in?
- [Crow] Here comes
the vaudeville routine.
- Tell me again.
- [Tom] What's on second?
- Well, I was barreling
along in the mud lane,
don't look like much now,
but she was a beauty when I--
- The accident.
(Tom mimicking drumming)
- Get up to sixty.
- The accident.
(Tom mimicking drumming)
- [Joel] Just the facts, man.
- Well, I'll tell you.
- I wish you would.
(Tom mimicking drumming)
- [Crow] What's on second?
- Seen the headlights coming
up the way towards you.
And all of the sudden,
they come at you going--
- [Tom] These two are
just glowing, aren't they.
- Hey! She blew up.
(Tom mimicking drumming)
Well, seeing somebody
is a might of trouble
so he come in the store talkin' about it,
that's when I offered to call you.
- [Crow] Don't ever touch me.
- Did he see anything else?
- Nope.
- [Joel] Can you see me?
- Wanna wait in the car
for us?
- No.
- [Joel] Is there a point
to your little story?
- Sheriff, okay.
(Tom mimicking drumming)
(applauding)
- [Joel] I'm hungry.
- [Tom] Oh, now here comes Zeppo.
- Aw, nothing.
- [Tom] Here comes this guy.
- [Joel] What's he about?
- Compton oughta be around here.
- Maybe he's in the hospital.
- No, I checked there
before I left my place.
Would Compton have any
reason to want to get lost?
- No, none that I can think of.
- You would have no
reason to know about this,
but been a lot of
livestock missing lately.
- [Crow] Another plot, aw man!
- That doesn't make headlines.
But now, it's people.
- You think there's a tie up?
- I don't know.
What we need is a criminal investigator
and headquarters won't send.
- [Tom] Do we maybe have
a Sheriff in the vicinty!
- Maybe they will now.
- Yeah, maybe.
Did you notice those skid marks?
- [Joel, Tom, & Crow] Would
you forget the skid marks!
- If he'd been hit with another vehicle
the paint'd be knocked off.
What batters a car
around like it was a toy.
- [Crow] My wife, good night everybody!
Enjoy the veal.
- How's the barn coming
along for the party?
- All right.
- [Crow] By the way, the stove's on.
- You ain't changed here, got out light.
You took off this morning.
You just been sitting around
here on your can all day long.
That barn was the place to clean.
- You get the hep I set up?
- Yeah.
- [Voiceover] Well, you
steamboats, dreamboats.
- [Voiceover] That's the emoes now.
- [Voiceover] Steamroller here at KILT.
Have any of you wild rocks.
- [Joel] Can't stand that teen slang.
Turn it to Paul Harvey.
- [Voiceover] Night out of
Hardehay's barn on route 43.
Drop in, I'll slap you.
- Hey man, that's us.
We got the Steamroller coming out.
- That's where Chase's has been all day.
Getting the Steamroller.
- [Tom] With James Taylor.
- How 'bout that guy.
- [Joel] Was the Richard Speck
a popular haircut back then?
(Tom mimicking car sputtering)
- [Tom] Other door's jammed.
See, that's why it's got.
- [Crow] I love that door.
Really works well.
- Hey little man, you sure had a busy day.
Gettin' me a paint job.
And Steamroller Smith.
- [Joel] Snuffy Smith?
- Now how'd you guys find
out about Steamroller Smith?
- Well, he just said so on his program.
Said it right out on the network.
- I wanted it to be a surprise.
Well, come on, don't spread it around.
- [Crow] Yeah, wash your hands.
- [Tom] Really.
- How are the preparations coming?
- That'll be finished in about 45 minutes.
The gang won't start arriving from
- [Tom] You know, that's dirty weight.
- Under the wire with time to spare.
- No sweat.
- [Joel] We now return to
Three Jacks and a Jill.
- [Crow] Good, he's gonna get it.
- [Tom] He's drinking turtle wax.
(grunting)
- [Joel] Headed to Au Bar.
- ♫ Oh I ate the ground you walked on ♫
- [Tom] Oh no (shudders).
- ♫ Little darlin'
♫ For all them things
that you have did to me
(Tom mimicking drumming)
♫ Oh you nag me 'til you home ♫
- [Tom] Grandpa Jones,
ladies and gentlemen.
- [Crow] I know you feel bad, Mr. Gower.
- ♫ And I'll forget your memories ♫
- [Tom] Please, kill him, please.
- I feel good!
- [Joel] Things make sense
when you're all liquored up.
It's fun!
(train honking)
- [Joel] Hepper chase.
- Come on, tessy bell.
Let's go.
- [Tom] Tessy bell?
- [Crow] Stupid man,
more powerful than a locomotive.
- [Tom] I've seen this.
This was the last scene from
Crazy Larry and Dirty Mary remember?
(train honking)
- [Joel] Home alone!
- [Joel, Tom, & Crow] Aw!
- [Tom] Look out, everybody,
there's a forked tongue in the road.
(laughing)
(Tom mimicking gulping)
- [Joel] Oops, that's
me, I did that, sorry.
(eerie music)
Billy goat, billy goat, get off my bridge.
- [Tom] It's the Soul Train!
- [Joel] ♫ We're traveling on the engine
- [Joel & Tom] ♫ On the Happy Day express
- [Joel] ♫ The letters on the engine say
- [Joel & Tom] ♫ J-E-S-U-S ♫
- [Joel] I like butter,
look my chins yellow.
That means I like butter.
(eerie music)
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
(eerie music)
- [Crow] Why's he driving in a river bed?
- [Tom] Beats me.
- [Joel] Hey look, a hand up there.
(laughing)
- [Tom] The director, folks.
Ooh.
(woman screaming)
- [Joel] Nope, didn't
see it, never saw it.
Nope, nope.
- [Tom] Not gonna get involved.
I'll act like I'm in New York City.
Turn around, get the heck outta here.
Nope, by ned, nope.
- [Crow] Where's the
dining car? (laughing)
- [Joel] Hey, there's meat on the inside.
Barbecue!
- [Tom] I don't know where to begin,
it all looks so good.
(yelling)
- Something real strange must
have happened down there.
- [Crow] If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up and dial again.
- You'll be him if you want it.
- [Crow] Yup, I'm rubbing
my belly right now.
- Sit down, Harris.
- [Tom] Aw, crammety, pull
up your pants and sit down.
- [Joel] Watch the feet, ah.
- Going down to the wreck, Sheriff?
- No, that's not in my territory.
- [Crow] What is your territory?
- Troopers will take care of that.
Harris, tell me again
about the train wreck.
- [Tom] ♫ Well, we're on
the wake of the ol' '09 ♫
- Just a minute, just a minute.
I asked you what time it is,
and you tell me how to build a clock.
Just the facts about the wreck.
- [Joel] You got me.
- I was driving along, quiet like.
- The wreck.
- Then I turned around and come back here
and told you about it.
- Give me your keys, Harris.
- Keys, my keys?
What for?
- Spinning the yarn like that,
driving while drunk.
- [Joel] Room 310, I'll
be there after nine.
- I demand a soberty test.
- That's nice of you.
Go lock yourself in.
- [Tom] You're under arrest
for being bad comic relief.
- I ain't been drinkin'.
- [Crow] Thank you, Senator,
your statement has been duly noted.
- Belief that I was not heavy.
- [Crow] Out, baby, out, out, out!
- Whatever you think's right.
Which way to the cell?
- [Tom] Don't you see
what you're doing to me?
- Can't win 'em all, can you, Sheriff.
- [Crow] Is this your bottle?
- [Joel] That's the only wife I need.
- [Crow] Well, nothing
wrong with me having a bit.
Little tittle here.
- [Tom] Blue cheese flavored vodka.
- [Crow] What do you mean topsoil's gone?
What do mean the moot?
- [Joel] Well, ma.
Lisa, I'm home!
- ♫ My baby she rocks ♫
- [Joel, Tom, & Crow] No!
(whimpering)
- ♫ My baby she rocks ♫
- [Joel] Somebody took a bite
outta that doily.
I'm joining the circus.
- I'm going to spend the
night with the Blackwells.
Mama said it was all right.
Will you take me over?
- Well, I don't know, Missy.
That's two or three miles out.
- [Crow] Before she couldn't walk,
now she's haulin' furniture.
- Oh, sure I will.
- Chase, what in the world
have you done to that car?
- It's a different fuel mixture,
you like it?
- I just barely touched the gas pedal
and back wheels started to spin.
- [Tom] Oh Mom, watch the pizza.
- Come on, Mom, I'm just trying to make
a hot rodder outta you.
(ringing)
- [Crow] Hey, it's Oedipus on wheels.
- I'll get that.
- [Tom] Is there a phone on every wall?
- Hello.
Yeah, hello Sheriff.
The what?
Book on reptiles?
- [Joel] Sheriff,
you're breathin' all funny.
- Yeah, sure.
- [Crow] Got your leg up?
- I have to take Missy
over by the Blackwells.
I'll stop by on my way to pick up Lisa.
Okay?
- [Crow] He's a queer duck.
- Well, now I'm gonna tell
you something you don't know.
- [Tom] Your mother's a guy.
- And the Gila monster's
size is controlled.
- [Tom] Say, beefcake fellas.
- Thyroid or pituitary gland.
Sometimes a change in diet
can throw the balance all out of whack.
Either the cells breakdown too fast
or build up too slow.
- [Joel] I got the problem, too.
- Makes either runts
or giants out of them.
- Good, but, what's that mean to me?
- [Crow] Trouble.
- Zoologist also told me about a doctor
who just found some huge
animals down in Tanganyika.
The theory was that
they lived in kinda river delta.
- [Crow] You're really deep.
- Certain salts had
washed into the valley,
been absorbed by the plants,
then transferred to the animals
causing them to be giants.
(mimicking blowing noises)
- All right.
- I know.
I probably sound a little bit like Harris,
but let me tell the whole
thing in my own words.
- [Crow] Norman Rockwell, sheriff.
- There was another report
out of Russia or the Ukraine.
- [Joel] And Brazil or something.
- In the paper a couple of months ago,
maybe you saw it.
About a baby that weighed 130 pounds
when it was 10 months old?
Taller than his mother?
- [Crow] What, you think I'm illiterate?
I read the Enquirer.
- Must be a giant.
- Yeah, and that same thing
could happen right here.
Did you see any footprints
around any of those wrecks?
- [Joel] Well, Glen is 50 feet tall.
- Gila monster footprints?
- Yeah, a big one,
about the size of a bus.
- [Tom] Loni Anderson's bust?
- Are you serious?
- [Joel] I'm in Shane.
- Harris saw it,
some of the survivors of
the train wreck saw it.
A giant lizard.
- Train wreck, where?
- [Tom] 10 people in this
town and there's no grapevine?
- Tonight, about an hour ago.
- [Tom] Why?
- Troopers were trying
to pass it off as shock
or optical illusion.
You can't always believe what Harris says.
- [Crow] I'll just let him ramble
before I chop him off at the knees.
- Black stripes.
- [Joel] Could be that peyote I had.
- I towed a guy in the
other day and he said
he'd been forced off the
road by something like that.
I didn't believe him
because he'd been drinking.
- [Crow] We've all been drinking.
- And another thing.
When we were looking for Pat's car,
we saw where something had
been drug down to wash.
You know, if they could
have gotten that big.
- [Joel] Then, I can get that big!
- Could have gotten him.
- [Tom] Oh, my thinker hurts.
- [Joel] Don't look at those,
there, they're not real.
- I shouldn't have told you about this
until after the party.
I just thought you'd wanna know.
- Then, we'd better warn everybody.
- No.
- [Tom] That would be tellin'.
- Troopers have got that staked
out for a couple of miles.
Just keep it to yourself.
It might cause panic.
- Okay, Sheriff, whatever you say.
- [Crow] If I don't tell, I'll just bust!
- Forget it for now, and
have some fun, will you boy?
- [Joel] Sorry about the train wreck.
Go enjoy yourself.
Live the high life, you know.
- [Crow] It's the annual
fire hazard dance.
- [Tom] Aw, heck, and we're
gonna miss the barn raisin'.
Shame, really.
- [Crow] ♫ Doin' the butt
♫ Tow truck driver got a big ol' butt
♫ Doin' the butt ♫
(Tom singing)
- Well, hello.
I'm so glad you could join me.
I'm your host, Thomas Servo,
and this is Servo on Cinema.
This week, Director Ray Kellogg.
Ray Kellogg, of course was a--
- Cut, cut, excuse me Tom.
We've only got the one
camera, Cambot, okay?
- Oh, of course, thank you.
(clearing throat)
Ray Kellogg, much like his
good friend Orson Wells,
Kellogg's career was
short-circuited by his enormous ego
and his difficulties
in holding to a budget.
For example, in today's film,
the Gila monster affect
achieved at the use of a
normal sized Gila monster
and detailed sets filled
with twigs and matchbox cars
and it was enormously expensive
and there was virtually no
money left for blocking.
But Kellogg--
- 'Scuse me, don't you
think you should say a word
to the audience about
what blocking is, maybe?
- Don't mind me, it's only my show.
- Good, I'm glad you said that.
People of Earth,
blocking is a technique used by directors
to tell his actors where to stand
or maybe what to do with their bodies.
- Yeah, like in today's film.
You'll excuse me, Tom.
- Sure, fine.
- Well, the director just had the actors
put their legs up on everything.
- I was getting to that!
You see, it's called the leg up position.
- Maybe the leg up position is cheap,
but for Pete's sake, they're unrelenting.
They put their legs up on pipes,
on benches.
- [Tom] Stop it!
Joel, tell him to stop.
(all talking at once)
- This is his thing, you know.
- Oh, sorry.
- Thank you, Joel.
Beat it, buddy.
Well, I thank you.
Without further adieu,
a short film by Cambot.
A tribute to the blocking techniques
of director Ray Kellogg.
Known for the firmness
of his leg up position.
- Suitcases, on each other.
- Crow!
(upbeat percussion music)
- Have you seen Point Break yet?
- No, but I understand Swayze
does just about all his own stunts.
- Yeah, 100%, pure adrenaline.
- What about next of kin?
- You're ruining it, it's my show.
I want my show!
- [Crow] What's up with him?
- I want my show!
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
- All right, hold it,
hold it all you jumping beans.
- [Tom] That wasn't very fun.
- Now, I got a surprise for you.
We got the king of the deejays.
- [Joel] Aw, man, I hate it
when seniors keep coming back.
- On KILT.
That's right.
(crowd cheering)
- [Crow] Yeah, we're gonna
do a nutty wake-up call
on Marty Ingels.
- [Tom] Sieg heil, everybody,
sieg heil. (laughing)
- Okay, you're old dad here has tall words
and some great records.
I want you to have a ball tonight.
Let's begin with one of
the top KILT survey stars.
What do you say, now,
let's everybody dance.
(upbeat music)
- [Tom] This guy really
earns his salary, doesn't he?
- [Crow] ♫ Shake, shake,
shake your forbidden parts ♫
- [Tom] ♫ Shake those forbidden parts ♫
- [Joel] When the caddy's rockin',
don't bother knockin'.
- [Tom] Conrad Bain!
- Do you mind telling me
what this is all about?
- Have you been down to the train wreck?
- [Crow] I'm the sheriff, what
would I be down there for?
- I talked to the trooper
about my son's car.
- [Tom] What, he's selling
his kid's car already?
- Shouldn't have been
moved until a thorough
investigation has been made
and it had been photographed.
- [Joel] Wait a minute, Conrad,
you wearing pants under that coat?
- I thought not.
That was removed and clues
lost without authority.
You didn't put that in your
report, did you, Sheriff.
- [Joel] Duh, huh?
- Of course, you didn't.
And I'll tell you why.
- [Joel] 'Cause you're
Earl Warren.
- You were protectin' that Chase Winston.
Covering him regardless the speck
it might have on others.
- [Crow] Chase Winston's a real booster.
- He's your son's friend,
probably the best one he's ever had.
Of course it wasn't in the report.
What good would it do.
- [Tom] Nobody reads those things.
- Any kid can make a mistake, Mr. Wheeler.
- Sheriff, it's my son that's missing.
- [Tom] Oh, throw that one up at me.
Twist the knife, why don't ya, ouch.
- [Joel] Are you a real sheriff?
- Have you heard the reports
about a giant lizard?
- [Tom] Yup, outta my jurisdiction.
- You believe 'em?
- I don't know, Mr. Wheeler.
Doesn't seem possible.
- Well why not?
They've been giants before.
- [Joel] There might be giants.
- How could anything that big
go unnoticed in this area?
- Have you ever walked the
length of William's wash?
- No.
- [Crow] Not naked.
- Know anybody that has?
- No.
- That area is so chocked with underbrush,
it isn't even good hunting ground.
And I say it is possible
for a giant lizard
to have lived there for
years without being seen.
- [Tom] Well, you're high, Conrad.
- Now.
- [Crow] This guy, he's like a puppet
made by Sid and Marty Krofft.
He hardly moves.
- [Tom] Yup.
- I can't blame you for
what's happened in the past,
but Compton's death is on your hands.
- How did you come to that conclusion?
- I'll tell you how.
- [Tom] I thought and I thought.
- Two miles beyond Pat's car.
And if you had investigated
that area thoroughly
as you're paid to do,
Compton might not have died.
- [Joel] Oh, quit funnin' me.
- Now, come out here,
I want to show you something else.
- [Tom] Uh oh.
- [Crow] You call this fixed?
- Our subject may have hit this car
but it didn't take the tires off.
And where are those new white sidewalls
on Chase Winston's hot rod come from?
- The lizard runs a chop shop?
- There was a towing charge against--
- He presumed the bill wouldn't be paid,
so he borrowed the tires in the meantime.
- Perhaps.
- That's thievery.
Destroying evidence and
obstructing justice.
Now, your last official act of office
will be to arrest that
boy and bring him in.
I'll go along
to ensure that it's done.
- [Tom] There's that
powerful gesture again.
- [Crow] Got me on that one.
(ominous music)
- [Tom] Sounds like a slow version of
"These Boots Are Made for Walking."
- [Joel] Are you ready to walk, boots?
I hate my life, it's (grunting).
(car revving)
- [Crow] Charo is playing.
- [Tom] Charo in charge? (laughing)
- [Crow] Yeah.
- [Tom] Barnaby Jones, epilogue.
- [Crow] It's a teen grope-fest.
(cheering)
(upbeat sockhop music)
- [Crow] Hey, the wallflower's here.
- [Tom] Now who invited Kim Curtis?
- [Crow] Must be related
to the producer Tim Curtis.
- Hey kids, a fella dropped
in over at KILT the other day.
- [Joel] He offered me
coke to play his record.
- A great new song.
I thought it was just fine.
I wanna play it for you.
We got a little pick-up group together,
and cut a demo disc on it.
I wanna play it for you,
and I'll see what you think about it.
- [Tom] It'll really
make you want a diary.
- The first person who
identifies the singer
on the record gets two free rides
on my elephant in Bangkok, Siam.
(laughing)
But you got to pay your
own over there and back.
- [Joel] Ooh, there's a stinger, ah.
- [Tom] Ouch (laughing).
(upbeat music)
- [Joel] It's Dionne Warwick.
- [Tom] The Dead Kennedys?
- [Crow] No, it's the
1910 Fruitgum Company.
- [Tom] Led Zeppelin?
- [Joel] No, no, nothing like that.
(yipping)
- [Crow] Whoa! Tige
Andrews, dancing up a storm
- [Joel] No, that’s Larry Miller.
- [Tom] Larry Miler.
- [Crow] Hey, there’s Jessica
Tandy in the back there.
- [Tom] She's dandy.
- [Joel] Hey, don't rush the stage.
- Hold your tar and feathers, yet.
I'm gonna play the rest of it.
How do you like?
(cheering)
- [Joel] It's got a good beat
and it's easy to dance to.
- Who's the singer?
- Elvis.
- [Crow] David Soul!
- [Tom] John Travolta!
- [Crow] Johnny Rivers!
- [Tom] Art Garfunkel!
- [Crow] Terence Trent D’Arby!
- [Tom] Johnny Thunders!
- But you lose.
Look, the same guy you
here singing on the record
also wrote the song.
Now, who is it?
(groaning)
- [Joel] Bobby Goldsboro?
- It's gonna come out on
records in a couple of months
and you can find his name on the label.
(crowd yelling)
- [Crow] Aw, we can't read!
- [Tom] Come on!
- I know it is.
- [Crowd] Who?
- [Joel] (foreign language)
Gary Lewis and the Playboys?
- Chase did it.
[Joel, Tom, & Crow] Kill him!
- Why didn't you say somethin'?
- [Voiceover] You didn't tell us.
- Well, I didn't know there was anything
I'd want to admit to.
(crowd talking)
- [Joel] Yeah, well
don't quit your tow job.
(crowd cheering and applauding)
- [Tom] Aw, this is sweet.
Just like when Vicki
Lawrence won the Grammy
on The Carol Burnett Show.
- [Crow] Thank you, thank you very much.
- Chase played me another little song.
It's kind of different from this one.
- [Joel] Different?
- But I imagine, with a little coaxing
by hitting your hands together like this,
he might give you a little preview of it.
What do you say?
(crowd applauding)
- [Joel] You mean like this!
- [Tom] Clapping!
- [Crow] You should have
washed it in cold water.
- [Joel] It’s a personal pan banjo.
(ukulele strumming)
- ♫ And the Lord said ♫
- [Tom] ♫ Tip toe through the tulips ♫
- [Chase] ♫ And the Lord said laugh ♫
- [Crow] Hey, see if you
can get your gun back
from the bouncer.
- ♫ Children laugh
♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh ♫
(Tom whimpering)
- [Joel] And the Lord said
taste my lizard steel.
(Joel babbling as lizard)
- [Crow] Tonight, on Night Gallery
Lillian Hellman, Edward R. Murrow, and I
will sneak a smoke behind the bar.
- [Tom] I’d say music hath
charms to annoy a savage beast.
- [Joel] So, Sheriff's ready to do-si-do?
- [Tom] Matchbox.
Save ‘em. Buy ‘em all.
Collect them all.
- [Joel] No, those are
Hot Wheels.
- [Tom] Corgis, maybe.
- [Joel] Sizzlers.
(Tom, Joel, Crow snoring)
- [Chase] ♫ Children laugh ♫
- [Crow] Boy, you brought
the party to a complete halt.
- [Chase] ♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh ♫
- [Tom] I'm guessing this is
the extended, boredom mix.
- [Chase] ♫ Children laugh
♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Laugh, laugh ♫
- [Crow] Okay, just blend in.
- [Joel] We're from the committee
to keep rock n' roll white.
- [Chase] ♫ The Lord said laugh ♫
- Just a minute.
- [Crow] It gets better.
- ♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh ♫
- [Joel] I just wanna
know if the Lord said it
this many times in a row.
- [Crow] That’s why
Deuteronomy is so long.
- ♫ That I created for you
♫ Riddled with joy from out of the blue ♫
(exploding)
(woman screaming)
- [Crow] It's Jeff Ruby!
(Joel babbling as lizard)
(eerie music)
- No, don't panic.
(grunting)
- [Joel] And the Lord
said die, children, die.
(Joel babbling as lizard)
- [Crow] Hey, you forgot to stamp my hand.
(eerie music)
- [Joel] Ow, quit
pushing back there, ouch!
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
(eerie music)
(gun shooting)
- [Tom] Aw, he couldn't hit
the broadside of a barn dance.
(gun shooting)
- [Joel] Ow. Ow. Ow.
Hey, leave me along, I paid the cover.
I can take a hint.
I don't need a bomb to fall on me.
- [Tom] Margaux Hemingway in Lipstick.
- [Joel] Yeah, I’m going
back to Jurassic Park.
Phooey on you crummy townspeople.
- [Tom] Well, he plumb crawled
out of my jurisdiction.
- What does it take to stop that thing?
- I don't know, but I'm
going down to the trainwreck
to get some troopers.
If we pump enough lead into that thing
we may hit a vulnerable spot.
- [Crow] Doh, whatta you want?
- You're gonna have
to give me a hand.
- But how?
- Keep these kids here.
I don't want anybody roaming around.
(intensified eerie music)
- [Tom, Joel, Crow] ♫ Hey Wild rebels
♫ Crunchy, chewy rebels ♫
(car sputtering)
- [Sheriff] You've been
after this, no you got it.
- [Tom] He pinned me.
- Listen kids.
Wheeler's my deputy, you'll
take your orders from him.
Arrest anybody that tries to get away.
- [Joel] One hour deputizer (shooting).
- [Crow] All right, you're arrested.
- [Wheeler] Sheriff says
this is the place to stay.
- Well, we're not staying here.
- [Voiceover] That's right.
- I'll have to arrest anyone that leaves.
(crowd arguing)
- [Crow] We now return to Bearcats,
with Rod Taylor and Dennis Cole.
(car skidding and revving)
- [Joel] We'll try reasoning with him.
- [Crow] Oh, it's everything
you said it was and more.
- Now you take these keys and
you wait inside the office
until I get back.
- [Tom] You want a sandwich?
A storage sandwich?
Microwave burrito?
Bagel dog?
- [Crow] Mom, how'd you
get the knot untied?
- [Tom] I leave the door open.
Let me see light.
- I told you to wait inside.
Why don't you do what I tell ya?
I haven't got much time.
- You're not going to leave me, Chase.
I'm going to help.
- You know what's in here?
Nitro-glycerin,
enough to blow up half this town.
- It doesn't matter.
I'm still going to help.
- [Tom] But she can speak
English all of the sudden.
- All right, now take these, hold 'em,
and don't let them bump.
And for heaven sakes don't drop them.
- [Joel] Mom, I'll be back
later to monkey out, okay?
- [Tom] Please leave the light on.
Oh, it's the other leading brand of nitro.
- Now hold those.
(car engine starting)
- [Crow] Hey, Joel, now he’s driving
a nitro-burning Funny Car!
(laughing)
- [Tom] Left, no wait, no.
(Tom, Joel, Crow mimicking explosion)
- [Tom] So, how do you like Berkley?
- [Joel] This is Gila country,
you (clapping) beware (clapping).
(dramatic, eerie music)
- [Tom] No, no, it’s The Field.
With Richard Harris!
- He went through here all right.
Now they generally travel
in a straight line.
- [Joel] Unless they're hammered!
- That's where Missy is!
- [Crow] What does the
Lord say about that?
- [Joel] Can Gila come out and play?
(Tom hiccuping and exhaling)
- [Joel] Oh, this is the Escher house,
he thinks he went all the way through.
- Missy!
- [Crow] Mary, don't you know me?
- Hold on to that nitro,
we're cut to cross.
- [Crow] Fasten your seat belts,
it's going to be a bumpy night.
(car revving)
(siren blaring)
- [Joel] N. Y. forget it.
- [Crow] Gotta drain the lizard.
Gonna go drain the lizard.
That's what I'm doing, yup.
(Joel mimicking explosion)
- [Chase] You wanna blow us up?
There they are.
- [Tom] Whoa, it’s The
Evil Dead all of a sudden.
- [Crow] Look out.
- It's all right, Missy.
It's all right.
Lisa, get Missy and hold her down.
Both of you, lie flat.
- [Crow] Get in here with the nitro.
It's safe.
- [Joel] If you're unsure and
it's the ‘50s—duck and cover.
- [Crow] I will prevail,
I'm a survivor, like Cher.
It's go time, let's party (babbling).
- [Tom] Uh oh.
- [Crow] I saw this
coming a long way away.
The horror, the horror.
(explosion)
- [Joel] Oh, they killed off
the only likable character.
Golf shoes for everybody!
- [Tom] I dub this spot Luggage World.
- [Crow] I love the smell
of lizard in the morning.
Smells like chicken.
(sirens blaring)
- [Tom] I'm still here, hepper.
You crap hound.
- [Joel] Oh, here comes Johnny
on the spot, now, great.
Well, these are out of state boys.
They arrested me,
I was out of my
jurisdiction, don't you know.
(Crow squeaking)
- Are you all right?
- [Joel] I'm bitter, mommy.
- That's okay, honey.
- I tore my new dress.
- Oh, we can get you a new dress.
- A hundred dresses.
- [Joel] It's coming out
of your allowance.
- [Sheriff] Everybody all right?
- [Tom] We make a nice warden.
- [Crow] Ow.
- On the way back, we picked up his trail.
Followed him across country.
(fire crackling)
(eerie music)
- [Tom] Oh, good, Adlai Stevenson is here.
- What did you hit him with?
- [Crow] Everything I had.
- My brand new, 100% completed hot rod.
- [Crow] That too.
- I had to start in the next county.
- [Joel] Hi, what did I miss?
- Not with four quarts of nitro glycerin.
- You rode across that
rough field carrying nitro?
- Yes.
- [Crow] Good job, McCloud.
- Do you know what could
have happened to you?
- It did.
I lost my car.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
Railroad will be glad
to buy you a new one.
- [Tom] And the upholstery of course
will be from Gila and
Ila of Beverly Hills.
- Did I run, Chase,
did you see it?
- I sure did, Missy,
you were really traveling.
- [Crow] Like Holly Golightly?
(upbeat music)
- [Joel] Hey, teeners,
we found a new place
to park and party.
- [Sheriff] Keep those
kids up at the barn.
- Well, how do you arrest a bunch of kids
going in all different directions?
- [Tom] Easy, teargas.
- [Crow] Rubber bullets.
- If that thing had turned back.
- Same thing could happen to Pat.
(Tom whimpering)
Sheriff, your job is a much
bigger one than I thought.
- [Crow] So is your gut.
- That's a compliment, John.
I guess Chase is out of a job.
- [Sheriff] That's right.
- Would you make it a
point to make the boy
come 'round and see me in the morning?
- [Sheriff] I'll bring
him around in the morning.
- [Tom] Next time on the
ABC Movie of the Week,
Clint Howard in Killdozer.
- [Joel] The Sheriff
will be back in Gila two,
the revenge, this time it's personal.
- [Crow] Chase, take us out with a song.
(eerie music)
- [Voiceover] Bring it
down, a little more.
- Two, two, two.
Hey, check on the mike.
Hey, Cambot, I need a
little more monitor on here.
Two.
- Two, two.
Check two.
- Hey, just a second, Tom.
We're gonna go through
the song list now, okay?
- Okay, Sure.
Two, two two.
- This is the way I see it,
we're gonna start with the
stuff we know we're gonna do.
That Eric Burdon,
♫ I'm gonna ride the serpent ♫
That's followed by
Cold Blooded.
- [Tom] Cold Blooded.
- And Crow.
- No, it's Newt.
- I'm sorry Newt, but
we're not gonna be able
to do Karma Chameleon for this show.
Okay, so we do the line up as is.
We start with the stuff we know,
followed by the stuff we don't know,
followed by Tom Servo's.
- No, no, I'm the gecko!
- By the gecko's touching,
heartfelt version of
"It's Not Easy Being Green."
Kinda like the way that
Buddy Rich did it on
The Tonight Show.
And then, finally, for the finale, Crow,
I mean the Newt,
will do the Gene Simmons tongue thing.
- Say guys, I had to be the flat tire
in your tour bus,
I don't want you to think
I'm the aspirated dramatist.
- What is your point, Crow?
- Aren't we just doing
the same stuff we did
when we were Spy Door?
You know the glam rock power trio
from Earth Versus the Spider,
it's the same thing.
- No way, man, we're going in a
completely different direction here.
The line up's different,
the instruments are the same.
- These helmets are new.
- And the sign,
and it's pretty lame, isn't it.
We should just go ahead and read a letter.
(exhaling)
- Yeah, you're right.
Okay, well, here we go,
we got the letters.
People always seem to like that.
This is from, get that on still.
This is from Shannon, age four.
It says Shannon likes your show.
And it reads Gypsy, Joel, Tom,
and then Crow is Art.
- [Crow] Art?
(Tom laughing)
- She thinks you're art.
And then we got another one here.
Let's put that on still story.
This one reads,
Dear Joe and bot.
- Bots, that's us, woo!
We're the bots!
- I just love you little guys.
I like that way Tom Serbo sings.
My favorite robot is Crow,
but Joe is funny, too
And it's signed, TV's Frank?
- Yes! Yes! (laughing)
- What a little kiss up.
Push the button TV's Frank.
- Oh little John, have you seen my arrow?
(smacking)
(dramatic, epic music)
(upbeat music)
(laughing)
♫ Next Sunday A.D.
♫ There was a guy named Joel
♫ Not too different from you or me.
♫ He worked at Gizmonic Institute
♫ Just another face in red jumpsuit
♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place
♫ But his bosses didn't like him
♫ So they shot him into space!
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst we can find
♫ La la la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ Then we'll monitor his mind
♫ La la la
♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end
♫ Because he used those special parts
♫ To make his robot friends
♫ Robot roll call
♫ Cambot ♫
- [Voiceover] Pan left
♫ Gypsy ♫
- [Voiceover] Hi girl
♫ Tom Servo ♫
- [Voiceover] What a cool guy
♫ Crow ♫
- [Voiceover] I'm the wise-cracker
♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes
♫ And other science facts
♫ La la la
♫ Then repeat to yourself
♫ It's just a show
♫ I should really just relax
♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫
(guitar strumming)
(doors shutting)
(whimpering)
- Well, you won't be needing this anymore.
- Hey, hey, wait that's my body,
that's got some of my favorite parts.
- Oh come on.
- I don't want to be part of this
dumb, nightmare Doublemint ad, Joel.
- Oh, bite me, you're
the thing with two heads,
it's fun.
- I call Ray Milland.
- Oh great, that makes me Rosey Grier.
- Oh, come on, a fella
could do a lot worse
than be a star lineman for the L. A. Rams.
- Yeah, but he just happens to be
in touch with his feminine side.
- Let me tell you something, pin beak,
your mouthwash just ain't makin' it.
- Oh yeah, well this body really stinks.
Look at these tiny little arms.
What are they good for,
eatin' corn on the cob?
- Joel, I really, really hate
this thing with two heads idea.
- Yeah, stop us before
we kill again, Joel.
(growling and barking)
- Well, how 'bout this,
you're the Odd Couple 1999.
- Say.
- [Tom] Cool.
Do-do-do-do-do-do
Some time earlier, Crow's
body had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return again.
Can two heads live in the same body
without driving each other crazy?
- Felix.
- No, Oscar, it's not
spaghetti, it's linguine!
- Now it's good.
- [Voiceover] Five, four,
three, two.
- [Mark] Oh, I don't think so.
We'll be right back.
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
- All right, come here
you little, awful stuffer.
- Get him, get him, let him have it.
Hey wait, that's me.
Yeah, that's my body.
- Look at my femital fireplug of a body.
It's humiliating, Joel.
- I know, you look like George Wendt.
- Oh come on.
- [Joel] Hey, you guys,
he's just a little husky, that's all.
- Oh, look at him run, the stupid jerk.
Traitor, you'll get back here,
say, look at the cute bun on me, will ya?
It's not half bad, is it guys, woo!
- Hey, you're gettin' into a
really weird area, now, Servo.
- Yeah, Tom, I don't know
if that's natural, buddy.
- Gentleman, can't a robot
admire his own back porch
without being thought of
as a strange type of--
- Cool it, Marky Mark and
the funky bunch are calling.
- Well, I guess the big news around here
is Dr. Clayton Forrester died, past away
two, three days ago.
As you could imagine,
it's a little hectic,
what with the funeral arrangements
and the business to attend to.
The mole people have been
a great source of strength.
- Wow, what happened?
- He was, dead, I guess
that's what caused it all.
You know, the upshot of all this is,
I'm gonna be in charge
around here from now on.
What a way to get a promotion, huh?
Oh, hi.
- Why don't you forge ahead
with this week's invention exchange, Joel.
I'm gonna be busy with Frank for a second.
- Ooh, you think he'll kill him?
- Hush, child.
Well, sirs, our invention today looks like
an ordinary prop radio,
except that it's tuner
only picks up channels
from old sitcoms and movies,
like for example, this is set
up for the plot point channel.
- [Voiceover] We interrupt this broadcast
to bring you a special bulletin.
The Midveil bank has just been robbed
by two armed hooligans.
- And then there's the incredibly
plot specific news channel.
- [Voiceover] This just in,
apparently the Harlem Globetrotters
are lost at sea and
thought to be washed up
on an uncharted desert isle.
- And of course, the generic
teen dance music station.
This one song has been
playing on this one station
for over fifty years.
- Yeah, this was danced to by the likes of
Chip Douglas and Marsha
Brady, even Jethro Bodine.
What do you think, sirs?
- Here, it's going to start hurting soon.
Take one of these for pain,
and the red ones should
reduce the swelling.
- Thanks Steve.
- Very clever, Holly Hobby.
Now, taste the red hot steel of
Dr. Clayton firebrand Forrester.
The punching bag has always
had a sound principle behind it; Frank.
- Yes, that it's fun
to beat Baffo the clown
savagely and repeatedly 'til
that Baffo is bleeding from the ears.
But then, alas, the thrill is gone.
The fire goes out of your belly.
You need something new to
stimulate your imagination.
- That's right.
That's why we've invented
these hateful punching bags
with images of the characters
from the Renaissance festival.
For instance, there's the rat catcher.
Excuse me, sir, is that your head,
or did your neck throw up?
- Oh, bite me, Frodo.
- And there's the ever
popular leather mug maker.
Please sir, sample my wares.
- Sample my fist you
community theater reject.
- Lovable harlequin.
I am harlequin.
- I am your worst nightmare!
$23 to get in.
Hazzah my butt, you satin-suited,
Tolkien-reading loser.
- That's enough, Frank.
Well, Joel, your experiment this week
is a sweet meat replete
with empty-headed teens,
fast cars, and a cute little lizard.
It's called "The Giant Gila Monster"
and it will make you hurt,
or my name's not Earl Shy.
Enjoy!
(group yelling)
- [Joel] Oh, head snapped
right on real nicely.
- [Crow] It hurts.
I'm stiff.
- [Voiceover] Where no human ever goes.
- [Tom] Macy's?
- [Voiceover] And no light is ever seen.
- [Tom] Only you can prevent forest fires.
- [Voiceover] It is as
though the land had been
roasted by God.
- [Tom] Roasted, it's
God-roasted for great taste.
- [Voiceover] Within these lonely areas
of impenetrable forest and dark shadows.
- [JOel] Barnabas Collins.
- [Voiceover] The Gila
monster still lives.
- [Crow] Shelley Winters?
- [Voiceover] How large the
dreaded Gila monster grows,
no man can say.
(energetic, upbeat music)
- [Tom] Hey!
- [Joel] ♫ Oranges poranges, who cares,
♫ there ain't no rhyme for oranges ♫
- [Crow] I usually don't touch
cheeks on the first date.
(gasping)
- [Joel] Richie, Potsi, no!
(yelling)
- [Tom] Rollin', rollin', rollin'.
(giggling)
- [Joel] Bad movie?
You're soaking in it.
(together singing "Hava Nagila")
- [Tom] You know what
this kinda looks like,
a modified, "I Dream of
Jeannie" intercept font.
- [Crow] No, no, no, no,
it's Bewitched sans serif.
- [Joel] No, I think you're thinking of
Patty Duke Show bold condensed, actually.
- [Tom] You know, if it was italicized,
I'd swear it was Jack Webb.
- [Joel] Good call.
- [Crow] It's Dom Casual, actually.
- [Tom] Tonight, K-E
double-L O double-dead!
(laughing)
- [Joel] And featuring
Jack no nickname Marshall.
- [Crow] Oh Don.
- [Tom] Oh look, Wee Willy Risser,
my favorite John Ford film.
- [Crow] I have to do that.
- [Tom] I don't get it.
- [Joel] Oh great, the
Gila monster's fictitious,
what a downer.
- [Tom] Oh, Ken Curtis,
Festus from Gunsmoke.
Now, Matthew.
- [Voiceover] The best
to you each morning.
- [Voiceover] Not.
- [Voiceover] We now join Gila
monster, already in progress.
(upbeat music)
- [Joel] Oh, it's a
scene from Truth or Dare.
Hey, the kids are
meetin' in a barber shop.
- [Voiceover] Hey, who
put their comb in my Coke?
- [Crow] Hey, it's
Katharine Hepburn's son.
- [Joel] Dear Liza, I'll get that
door and roof fixed real soon.
Thank you, love.
- Hey gang!
(various greetings)
We'll be charging you
with an entertainment.
(laughing)
- [Crow] Hey, hey, one at a time,
we've only got one boom mike.
- Hey, how are the new tires on the bomb?
- [Joel] Hey, here come Sabrina
and the Groovie Goolies.
(coughing)
- [Crow] It's the magnificent
men and their jaunty jalopies!
- [Joel] Aaron, don't touch me,
I'm all made up, please.
- [Tom] Hey gang, we're
past the room limit.
Some of us have to move into the elevator.
- Where's Pat and Liz,
I thought we'd be the last one's here.
- Yeah, they're probably out
spookin' around somewhere.
(laughing)
- [Joel] Poom!
- Not in his beak.
I worked on it myself.
- That wouldn't make any
difference if he moved
the speed shift or something.
- [Crow] Aw, shut up, pee wee.
- [Joel] Yeah.
- What kept you so long, Lisa?
- Mr. Willis smoked two cigars
at the table after dinner.
And I couldn't get up.
- [Tom] Whoa, whoa, whoa,
honey, speak English, will ya?
- Pat did not come home for this.
That's why his father was upset.
- [Crow] Here, drink this,
it'll make you feel American.
- There's old man Harris.
(Tom, Joel, & Crow humming
"The Munsters Theme")
- That fella has a jewel of a car.
- [Tom] Let me think about that.
Okay.
(laughing)
- [Crow] Hoiman, wait here in the car!
- [Tom] Looks like this is
where old jalopies go to die.
- [Joel] It's TV's lovable Stringbean!
(cheering)
- You wanna sell that deuce?
- [Crow] My little deuce coupe?
You don't know what I got!
- Why you fellers always
askin' me to buy my car?
- That 32 is the ideal
stock to convert to a bomb.
- [Joel] Why do you guys
always throw me down
and steal my wallet?
- It's just like gettin' married.
Or going to New York City.
- [Joel, Tom, Crow] New York City!
- [Joel] Get the rope.
(laughing)
Available for parties and barmitzvers.
- I could get you a good price on that.
- [Voiceover] Again with the finger.
- It's $695 for that car 26 years ago.
10 years ago, wasn't worth a dime.
Last month, I turned down 100 for it.
When it gets back up to
695 again, I'll sell it.
(laughing)
Hey Spook,
give me a snort of that there sody pop.
(laughing)
- [Crow] 'Scuse me, that
one just slipped out.
- Hey gang, you know this will be Lisa's
first trip to a drive-in?
- Aw, we have drive-ins in France, too.
- [Voiceover] Wee, they
play Jerry Lewis movies.
- I went with my brother
on his motor scooter.
(laughing)
- [Joel] Looks like
he's filling the bottle.
(groaning)
- [Crow] Who put sody pop in my sody pop?
- [Tom] Hey, let's go do some crimes, man.
- If the road's clear, I'll
drag you to Bartinell's corner.
- [Crow] Drag me, I'll get the tow chain.
- [Voiceover] You still
runnin' on that old rubber?
- [Joel] Old rubber, no, no, no!
- Hey Spook, when Pat and Liz get here,
will you tell them we went to the drive-in
and for them to catch up?
Thank you.
- We sure will.
- And I'll give you 150 bucks.
- [Crow] To take acting lessons.
- You're talking like my butchers.
- [Joel] Okay, 'nuff said, old timer.
- What are you playin' with, kids?
(laughing)
- [Tom] Oh, it's red man juice.
(groaning)
- [Joel] That guy cracks me up.
I don't know, do you?
- [Tom] One-Adam 12, one-Adam 12,
what are you doing in Wisconsin?
- [Crow] Selznick International
Pictures presents.
- [Tom] I'm Sebastian Cabot,
and this is Ghost Story.
- [Tom] Well gel there program.
- Pat didn't come home last night.
- He didn't?
- No, evidently he was
out with Liz Humphries.
She didn't come home either.
- [Joel] When you due, Sheriff?
- I want you to find out why.
And don't leave a stone
unturned in doing so.
Do I make myself clear?
- I understand Mr. Wheeler.
- [Crow] That's a well fitting suit.
- Wrecks reported last night.
Your son, Pat, about 19 isn't he?
- That's right.
- [Joel] As teens go, yes.
- A year older than I
was when I got married.
- You think they eloped?
- [Tom] No, they can't
elope, they're fruit, get it?
- I didn't say that.
But if they were out together all night,
you better hope they have.
- This is a missing person's report
and I want to know what
you're going to do about it.
- Well, I'll send in an APB
on both of them and the car.
I don't think it'll do much good
if they went off to get married,
they'd already be across the state line.
- Why, if he got married,
I'll ring his neck.
- [Crow] That Jerry
Lee, he's done it again!
- If you ask me, it's that Chase Winston.
He's older than the others.
Sets them all wrong.
Why he's got more influence
on Pat than I have.
- [Tom] Hooker's a good cop.
- Chase Winston does more
about keeping them in line
then getting them in trouble and I know.
He's supported his mother and sister
ever since his dad on
one of your drill rings.
Your son could take a page
outta his book Mr. Wheeler.
- [Joel] Ooh, what a burn.
- When I get through with my
son, he won't have a book left.
Now you locate him, or I'll have your job.
- If you want to be the only peace officer
in 10,000 square miles
and 1,000 miles of road,
you're welcome to it.
- [Crow] This is my
world and welcome to it.
- I'll do everything I can
to locate both of them.
- [Voiceover] Go on home,
they're waiting for you.
(barking)
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
- [Voiceover] Hi Sheriff.
- [Crow] Wish I were.
(laughing)
- [Tom] What is this, The
Misfits all of the sudden?
- Yeah, new to me.
That's the biker I am.
I'd be chasin' bicycles a couple of days.
- Aw, come on Sheriff.
Outside of Pat Wheeler,
we haven't had a ticket in
our gang in eight months.
- I was just kidding.
- [Joel] How much for
the macaroni and cheese.
- What's the mileage on it?
- Oh, about 35,000.
Tell him you bought it from the state.
Those lucky stiffs on highway
get a new car every year.
- Let me have it for a couple of days
and I'll tune it up for you.
(laughing)
- You'd joke it off so
I could never catch it.
- You couldn't catch that
deuce of mine right now.
Now let me have that patrol car.
I'll turn it into a slingshot
that'll catch anything.
- [Tom] A Joe Namath netted slingshot.
(grunting)
- [Joel] What do you dream about?
- Just between us, Liz
Humphries and Pat Wheeler
didn't get home last night.
- They were supposed to
meet us at the drive-in
but they didn't show up.
I wondered what happened.
- [Tom] Hec Ramsey!
- Are they in any kind of trouble?
- What do you mean?
- You know.
- [Joel] You know, like Warren
Beatty and Annette Bening?
- No, I don't think so.
- Chase, level with me.
- [Crow] You think I'm pretty?
- I'm almost positive they
weren't in any trouble.
I'd know.
- [Joel] Mechanics intuition.
- You think they might've
run off to get married?
- They've been going
steady for over a year now.
I know they talked about it.
- [Tom] Well sir, person's got urges.
- Not for right now.
- Did Pat have any money saved?
- [Crow] Jeez, what is
he, the Shell Answer Man?
- Yeah, some.
- Like how much?
- Well, he was talkin'
about gettin' a new blower,
and a mill.
About 500 bucks.
- Where did he get that kind of money?
- [Crow] Bake sale.
- Saved it.
His old man gives him a good allowance
when he's not mad at him.
- What bank does he use?
- [Tom] Hooterville Savings and Loan, why?
- Could've saved it to
get married, could he?
- I guess he can do
whatever he wants with it.
- [Joel] Looks like the
garage of Doctor Caligari.
- His old man put him down flat.
- I know.
But Pat's smart enough
to provide for himself
'til his old man cooled off.
- [Joel] Dong, dong, dong.
- [Crow] Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
- Did you check the hospitals?
- Yeah.
Where could I find the rest of the gang?
- [Joel] Gang land?
- I don't know about Bob and Gordi,
but Chuck and Rec went over to Easton.
They wanted to check with the Wheel Cats
about next Saturday night's platter party.
- Next Saturday night?
- Yeah.
- You warn the gang I'll be cruising
that pass that night.
No draggin'.
- [Joel] Aw, and he just
bought those red, satin pumps.
- You get any postcards
from those two, let me know.
- [Crow] Say, nice J. Crew barn jacket.
- [Tom] Meanwhile, at
Grandma's lake cottage
in Frederic, Wisconsin.
- Hi Sheriff!
- [Joel] Hey Mr. Douglas,
I got those bodies buried just in time.
(door knocking)
- [Tom] Were just waiting by the door?
- [Joel] Junior Samples!
- Hello Sheriff.
(Crow yelling)
- She's a good girl, Sheriff.
- [Crow] God, you're ugly.
- How come you drove around
the truck all night, then?
- [Joel] Well, let's just say
I'm acquainted with the night.
- You don't think she might've eloped?
- Could be.
She's pretty closed-mouth
about her affairs.
- Maude likes a Wheeler.
He ain't marrying our kind.
- [Tom] Here's we're just
simple white trash folk.
- Just dropped around to let you know
I'm doing everything I can.
- We know that Sheriff.
We sure do appreciate it.
(spitting)
- Never had any trouble
lookin' after kids.
- Let me know if I can help, Sheriff.
(blaring)
- [Man] Quit worryin' this way.
Got to trust in the Lord.
- [Crow] Crazy Amish folk.
(Tom, Joel, & Crow humming
"The Munsters Theme")
- Morning Sheriff.
- Let me smell your breath.
- [Crow] Nice uvula.
- Okay, go ahead.
- [Joel] Set me free, booze, I need you.
- Hi Chase.
- [Chase] Hi.
- [Crow] Still got your knee up, I see.
- Yeah, she's all set.
- Good.
My boy, that's one trip
I'm glad I don't have to make very often.
- The stuff heavy?
I'll help you unload.
- [Tom] Ready and up!
- Wheeler's takin' that oil well
and he's afraid of fire when he comes in.
- [Crow] What the heck are you saying?
- Wants us to keep it
out back in store hours.
- [Tom] Will Rogers Follies
will continue after this.
- I made $100 for that stuff.
Dad showed me how to use it.
- [Tom] Mom told you not to use it.
- Well, I'm sorry I was late gettin' back.
With that cargo, I was afraid to do
five miles an hour.
- [Crow] Was English your first language?
- It's not dangerous as long
as it's in a nitro case.
- But I took these outta the case.
(gasping)
- You're lucky to be
standing talkin' about it.
- [Voiceover] Hey, don't go away sore,
let's talk it through.
- [Tom] Oh, hi mom.
Hey, don't get up, here's
your chili and your water.
- [Crow] Did we win the war son?
- [Tom] Shut up, mom.
- [Crow] Okay.
- My tax in the safe now?
- [Crow] Get your knee up, boy, c'mon.
There we go.
- Is that nitro safe out there?
- If it decides to blow,
it's not safe anywhere.
- [Crow] Is it safe?
(ringing)
- [Tom] My knee's ringing.
- I'll get it.
- That's not our ring.
- No, it's the Sheriff's.
If there's been a wreck,
I get a tow job out of it.
- [Tom] Oh wow.
- You work all the
angles, don't you, Chase?
- Mr. Compton, I have to.
- [Crow] He's a geometry teacher.
Oh yes (panting).
What are you wearing?
I'm putting my knee up right now.
- [Tom] Sweet erosion.
(heavy breathing)
We've heard enough!
- [Crow] I feel so dirty.
- There's been a wreck,
12 miles out of town.
Where's the wrecker?
- Oh, I used the A frame to
build a doggone rock garden.
Look, you take your car and
keep the city's records off.
I'll get our wreck and follow you.
- [Tom] And we can clear away
the wreckage of our sordid past.
(police siren blaring)
- [Tom] N. Y. P. D.!
We know you're here.
There's no one else in the
county and you use your siren.
(laughing)
- [Crow] They've got this
angled parking thing all wrong.
- [Tom] Is there anything I can
put my knee up on here, boy?
- I wondered who was on
that party line a while ago.
- Cost me to get on that line with you.
I figured since it was on
your call station anyway,
you wouldn't care.
- There's a pretty good one.
- Yeah.
- [Tom] Looks like a cat
climbed up on the grill, woof.
- [Sheriff] This engine's still warm.
- Say, did you see the
skid marks out here?
They go at a direct right angle
than the direction of travel.
- [Crow] Hey, sounds like
Robert Klein's around here.
- No digs in the mechanum either.
- [Tom] Sad, really.
- [Sheriff] Somebody was hurt in here,
there's blood all over the upholstery.
- [Tom] Nothing scapes
you, oldie, does it?
- There's nobody here.
- Real good?
- Yeah, real good.
Well, maybe somebody came
by and picked them up.
Could've been the people that called in.
- No, they'd of said something.
- Then why didn't they wait?
- People who go to the
trouble to report an accident
but they won't stay around,
don't want to fill out the reports.
- [Tom] Yeah, nobody likes a lousy snitch.
- Well, I'll take the license
number and engine number.
Call headquarters.
Maybe they've got
a line on 'em.
- [Tom] You are headquarters.
- [Crow] Hey, what are you looking at?
That's official police property.
- How are you headlights.
- [Joel] I don't have head lice.
- Both of 'em burning?
How many times have I warned you
about gettin' that headlamp fixed?
- [Joel] About a ka-jillion, sir.
- But the first time it
was just a suggestion.
- COB only costs four dollars.
- [Voiceover] The tender headlight theme.
(whimpering)
- Missy?
- The doctor said she'd be able
to start walking again pretty soon,
took all I had to make a part
down payment on her braces.
- [Joel] Gosh, the moonlight
does crazy things to your hair, sir.
- Well, I think this
is a complete wash out.
- [Tom] These folks are dead,
not much else we can do.
- You probably got a screwdriver.
- [Joel] No, but I've
got a Singapore Sling.
- [Tom] Ba-boons.
- I don't think the insurance company
would miss one of those headlamps.
- [Tom] Yeah, that guy's not gonna miss
his credit cards either, you know?
- [Crow & Tom] Hey, one, two, one, two.
- Come on, Crow, Lindy.
Ow, your beak.
- What about my beak?
- Big ol' beak.
- Hey, hey, you guys quiet down.
Hi, do you like to make money?
Sure, we all do.
Well, do you realize,
hey, move aside,
do you realize you might have a goldmine
sitting in that empty pantry
or linen closet at home?
Yeah, sure, just do what I do
and turn that empty closet
space into a gold mine
by turning it into a teen
pavilion slash barber shop,
just like in today's movie
The Giant Gila Monster.
(cheering)
- Silent gone, Jasper.
- Couple of freaks down here.
- Kids, will you step aside.
You guys and their teen lingo.
You know, all you gotta do is clear away
some of the more hazardous cleanser,
stock up on plenty of
health-licious and delicious
snacks and beverages and
then tune in your prop radio
into the appropriate teen dance tune.
(cheering)
- You make me sweat, Tommy.
- Me too, ha.
Let's go get something cool and slippery
from the stupid jerk.
- Oh, good idea.
- [Tom] Stupid jerk here.
- Tom, it's soda jerk,
would you guys straighten up
and fly with me on this one?
Come on, this is my sketch.
- All right, pops.
Shoot us a couple of Blue Floyds.
- What's a Blue Floyd?
- Crammedy this guy.
- Okay, daddy, we'll talk you through.
Just put two scoops of
ice cream in a blender.
- No, three scoops, three scoops.
- Oh yeah, three scoops.
Add some malted milk.
- [Joel] Three scoops
of ice cream.
- Then fill the top with
cool, menthol barber-cide.
- And garnish with a comb.
- Oh, come on you guys, that's it.
The fun time's over.
This is my sketch,
you guys never go along
with me on these things.
I stop, I quit it.
- Come on, Joel.
- [Crow] Come on, baby.
We're just funnin' ya.
- Every time you guys the
robots come up with some
half-baked idea I try to go
along with it and be supportive,
but the minute Joel has an
idea for a presentation,
in run the baby Teddy
Ruxpins and spoil everything.
- Okay, fine, next time
you can get your precious
Gypsy to help you.
- Hey Gypsy, come here.
- [Crow] Gypsy, no, it's too small.
(yelling)
- These two, nothin' but trouble.
Back after this.
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
(whimpering)
- [Joel] Just be quiet,
don't let it happen again.
- [Tom] It's young Jimmy
Morrison as the lizard king.
- [Crow] Here comes Fred Sanford.
- [Tom] I'm feeling mighty peckish.
Snack time.
- [Joel] Good afternoon, sir or madam,
I'd like to show you
Encyclopedia Britannica
if you just take a--
- [Tom] Damn, I thought
selling door to door was hard.
- [Crow] I just love dining al fresco.
- [Joel] And that's the
guy's name, Al Fresco,
can you believe it?
- [Crow] I can't get that tune
outta my head, I don't know.
- [Tom] The road company
of Death of a Salesman
ladies and gentlemen.
- [Crow] I'll eat him
with relish (laughing).
Lizard jokes.
- [Tom] Fava beans.
- [Joel] C. Everett Koop,
I've been meaning to quit.
It's a Montclair Moment!
- [Crow] Hey, can I bum a smoke?
(screaming)
- [Tom] And for killing that salesman,
you win this Samsonite luggage.
Oh, have an accident?
No thanks, just had one.
- Car was going out of state.
- [Crow] Insured by Allstate.
- [Sheriff] So whoever's
stole it is hurt or not
as long as they can navigate.
- [Tom] I'm a poet and I don't know it.
- Is there anything else
I can do here, Sheriff?
If not, I'll get this back to the garage.
- Go ahead.
Chase, you give me a hand?
- [Crow] No, cinch up
your own pants, Sheriff.
- Those skid marks.
You stand by them for scale.
- [Tom] Skid marks, you're
a sick man, Sheriff.
- [Joel] Wait, that's my car!
- [Crow] Let's see, I
got tires, headlights,
now if I could just get a roof.
- [Joel] Man, night
falls fast in Tennessee.
- [Tom] I'm guessing a Northwest
flight passed overhead.
- [Crow] Entrapment, I smell a frame up.
Luggage cake.
- [Tom] Can I see your
claim check, please?
Yeah.
- Trouble Chase?
- Don't know, Sheriff.
Take a look.
- [Tom] That's an easy
one, it's a suitcase.
- Probably fell off a car.
- No scratches on it.
- Well, maybe it landed in a bush.
- [Tom] You know, a smart fella
could put his knee up on such a thing.
- Was it just like that when you found it?
- [Crow] When I angled it two degrees to.
- Probably belonged to some hitchhiker.
- [Tom] That's a leap of faith.
- Might've belonged to that fella
that stole that car and wrecked it.
- [Joel] Go ahead, pick it up one of ya,
you know you wanna.
- [Tom] Go on!
- Gotta say, look at this.
- [Tom] Looks like Edward R.
Murrow's been through here.
- [Joel] I specialize in
previously owned cigarette butts.
- [Sheriff] Half a pack of cigarettes.
One unlit.
- [Tom] I can't decide which one to eat,
they both look so good!
- That suitcase don't
belong to any car thief,
he was around here too long.
I'll take it in.
- I'll put it in the car for you.
- Somebody will be around to claim it.
See you later, son.
- Right, Sheriff.
(eerie music)
- [Crow] Son.
Wait, he called me son!
No wonder Mom cries when
I mention the sheriff.
(eerie music)
- [Joel] You know, when
I look at the human race,
I gotta laugh.
I got a chickpea for a brain
and I'm still smarter
than they are, go figure.
I'll be right back after these words.
(car driving)
- [Crow] 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
- [Tom] I'd say it looks like he's early
for the panty raid on the dorm.
- [Joel] Oh, thank goodness the
IHOP's still open, you know?
- [Tom] Pancakes are up for everybody.
(cheering)
- [Joel] Well, it's just about
time for him to put his knee,
(clapping and laughing)
yup, called it!
- [Tom] How'd you call that?
- [Crow] Ooh-la-la, Rooty
Tooty Fresh 'n Fruity for me!
Were you putting your knee up again?
Aren't I enough for you?
- Hey.
- [Tom] Hey, you're getting
Dippity-Do on my coat.
- I got your phone call.
- When I was serving
dinner to Mr. Wheeler,
he became very angry.
He said if I saw you again
he would have me sent back to France.
- He can't do that.
- Oh yes, he can.
He's my sponsor.
He put up the barn.
- That was to guarantee
that you wouldn't become
a warden of the state.
- [Tom] Burt Ward?
- But we don't have to
worry about any of that.
You know how to speak English well enough
to get a job anywhere.
- [Crow] Yeah, maybe at a seven 11.
- [Tom] Doh!
- What's you worry 'bout?
- Nothing.
- I don't want to go with it.
(smacking)
- You won't have to, honey.
(burping)
- He'll think it's your
fault Pat ran away.
- Well, he can think
whatever he wants to think.
- [Tom] Here, let's go
rent The Errand Boy.
- We hadn't better take any chances.
You go back inside,
and look, don't worry.
Everything's going to be okay.
- [Joel] What the.
French people sure do kiss funny.
(cars driving)
- [Tom] Transportation servitive
provided by catty limousine.
We get you there safe, or we don't pay.
In Hannah's Port and Palm Beach.
- [Joel] It's a speed bump with no tongue!
(car skidding)
- [Crow] He's an excellent driver.
Definitely an excellent driver.
He's not wearing his underwear.
- [Joel] Man, I've been
following you around for days
just hoping you might need a tow job.
- You all right?
- All right?
- [Tom] All right, I'm
great, here, wait a minute.
I'll let you look at me full-size.
- I'm superb.
(Tom hiccuping)
No corners, I'm a round here.
- [Crow] Is there an
interpreter in there with you?
- Smith.
Horatio Alger Smith.
- [Crow] Potato head.
- [Joel] But you can call me sugar lumps.
- How'd you get in the ditch?
You fall asleep?
- Oh, no, no.
There was this big pink and black thing,
drove right in front of me.
- [Crow] Uh huh.
- It had stripes this wide.
- [Crow] Yeah,
alcoholism sure is a hoot.
- I'll get your car out.
- Okay, that sounds like.
- [Tom] Lean on me, baby.
Yup, scene.
Get moody up here, yup.
What's he doin'?
- [Crow] Hey.
- Hey, man, you can't drive this car.
Fender's cutting the wheel.
- Sure I can, the motor works, see.
But that's for everything, dad.
You're a cotton-pickin' prince.
(laughing)
(car revving)
- Okay, just a second.
I'll get out of the way.
- [Crow] We thought it would be funny
to make a hopeless
drunk try to drive a car
while it's hooked to a tow truck.
Let's watch.
(car honking)
- What is it?
- [Tom] It's a State Farm insurance scene.
You like it?
- [Joel] This scene is funny.
(laughing)
- [Crow] Wide track tires
stabilize your ride.
(car honking)
- What is it, now?
- [Tom] Oh, it's the Aamco theme.
That's even better.
- Steering wheel won't work.
(laughing)
- [Joel] This strikes me as humorous.
How can he drive when he's
hooked up to a tow truck?
The whole concept strikes me as absurd.
(laughing)
(Crow sputtering)
- [Crow] I'm driving. (sputtering)
- [Joel] Honk honk!
State Farm insurance.
(hammering)
- ♫ Rock my baby, she rocks ♫
- [Crow] Get these spiders off me.
(Crow whimpering)
- ♫ My baby's a rock and roll lady ♫
- [Tom] Rhythm, huh?
(laughing)
- [Crow] Huh, hold up.
- [Tom] Oh, gee buddy,
I hate a cappella.
- [Chase] ♫ Sing, sing, sing
for a little diamond ring ♫
- [Tom] Oh, so that's who I am.
- [Chase] ♫ Swing and
sing and bells are ringing
♫ Happy playing is
pleasure ringing, baby ♫
- [Tom] Do, do-do, do-do, do-do.
- [Chase] ♫ My baby she
- [Tom] Shut up!
Shut up, shut up! (whimpering)
- [Chase] ♫ Sing, rings
whenever I bring her things ♫
- [Tom] Say.
- [Joel] I think I'll take
after him with that handle.
- [Chase] ♫ Swing and sing
and bells are ringing ♫
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
- [Crow] Shut up, shut up, shut up!
- [Chase] ♫ and baby ♫
Good afternoon, Mr. Smith.
- [Joel] Did I do something last night
I'm not going to be proud of?
- Guys have had their heads
chopped off for less than that.
- For what?
- [Crow] For singing,
a-singing, a-singing.
- So doggone good when I feel so bad.
How did I get here, anyway?
- I towed you in this morning, remember?
- [Tom] I towed you, but I left the car.
- I remember very, very little.
- [Joel] But don't worry,
you were a perfect gentleman.
- I didn't see any other cars.
- How'd you ever get
me in that bed, anyway.
- [Tom] It was your cologne.
- I carried you in there and I sat on you
until you fell asleep.
- [Joel] Oh, wow.
- Quite a chore.
- You wouldn't have gotten
very far in your condition.
- [Crow] It was fun, I didn't mind.
- I appreciate it.
- Chase Winston.
- Chase.
Mind telling how much I owe you?
- Well, I bent the fender
out from the wheel.
Want me to fill it in
and touch it up for you?
- [Joel] Uh, you've touched enough, Chase.
- I'll get that done when
I get back to the city.
- [Tom] Yogurt?
- Coffee.
- Oh, great.
(slurping)
- How 'bout two bucks.
- [Crow] Two bucks, that's outrageous!
I'm not paying.
- This coffee's worth
two bucks all by itself.
How 'bout the tow?
- No, I was coming this way anyway.
Missed out on a little studying time.
Make it three bucks?
- [Tom] Kid, you're dumber
than a bag of hammers.
- Sort of, I take a correspondence
course in engineering.
- [Crow] Line city vo-tech.
- I really feel indebted to you,
and I'd like to do
something to pay you back.
Next time you're in the
town, that's my card,
look me up, will you?
- Will do.
- Okay.
Oh, and by the way.
- [Joel] Here's a Denny's coupon,
good any time after midnight, enjoy.
- Buy yourself a sponge rubber hammer man.
(laughing)
I'll see you, Chase.
- Thank you.
- [Crow] No, thank you!
- [Tom] Oh no, thank you.
- [Crow] No, thank you.
- [Tom] No, please, thank you.
- Steamroller Smith.
The disc jockey!
- [Joel] Hey, I love your morning show,
especially when you make goofy
phone calls to celebrities!
- Two 20's!
- [Tom] That makes $30, wow!
(chuckling)
- [Crow] Well, she
swings whenever she sings
whenever she sings, la da
dee da dee da dum dum dum.
- Sheriff.
- [Joel] I think you're
seeing too much of me.
- Heard anything from Pat and Liz?
- No, nothing.
- Chase, I'm in a jam.
I need your help.
Wheeler swings a big enough
stick in this country
to make it rough.
And he's doing it.
- [Tom] Are you lookin' on
a different script, Sheriff?
- I can understand his concern about Pat,
but I just don't have a big enough force
to comb this area inch by inch.
- Is he demanding that?
- There was a man killed in a wreck
in a small canyon in a big city last year.
And it took them 19 days to find him.
I don't know what they expect of me.
- Yeah, I remember that.
- [Crow] I love your defeatist attitude.
- Look, Sheriff, maybe I
can get tomorrow off and
I'll get the gang and we can
go out and search that pass.
At least you can put that in your report.
- [Joel] And smoke it.
- I was hoping
you'd say that.
I can start at the upper
end and work towards ya.
Can I have your help in another matter?
- Sure, what?
- You remember how those
skid marks just went
at right angles to the
direction the car would travel?
- [Crow] Hey, would you
drop the skid marks.
- [Tom] Really.
- Headquarters think I'm nuts.
- Well then they're nuts.
- [Joel] Headquarters
be right.
- Didn't you send them that picture?
- I'm not the world's
greatest photographer.
Picture didn't come out.
Can't see the skid marks
on the blacktop.
- [Tom] Would you forget
the skid marks!
- Well, that's what happened.
I even wiped up the rubber
dust with my fingers.
- You might have to sign a
statement to that affect for me.
- You got it.
Look, you can even see the
bald spots on the tires
where they went sideways.
- [Crow] Oh, don't say
bald spot, I'm sensitive.
- But there's another
thing that puzzles me.
- [Tom] Howie Mandel.
What's the appeal?
- How those tires got off of that car.
- [Joel] Come on, don't tease us,
put your legs up, you know you wanna.
- And on my rod they
can prevent a blow out.
Maybe even an accident.
- [Tom] Travolta in Blow Out.
- Well, take good care of 'em
in case the owner shows up.
- Right.
- See you tomorrow.
- Right.
(Crow laughing)
- [Crow] What a dink.
(Tom, Joel, & Crow humming)
- [Tom] Hey, what gives,
we were gonna make out here.
- Let's call it a day.
We've covered half the
roads in this county
- [Tom] Hello, I'm Larry
Miller, how are you?
- How 'bout that brook.
That runs along here
for about eight miles.
- [Joel] Gee, we can
really pan out the movie
with that reveal.
- All right.
- [Crow] As long as I
get to be Tige Andrews.
- [Joel] No, we've decided
you're already Larry Miller.
(car driving)
- [Tom] Sing whatever and eat the teens.
A sing (babbling).
I'm your boyfriend now (babbling).
- [Joel] Darling, how does that go,
sing, when you sing with
the whatever the thing.
- [Crow] Oh, never mind, hey,
honey Spalding Gray's performing
Monster in a Box down here.
- [Joel] No, really?
Oh, I'm big, I'm really big.
There's no way to describe
just how enormous,
but thanks for your patronage.
Enjoy this next upcoming
event from out west, enjoy.
Notice they built the fort down here
and everything dear.
- [Crow] Truss puppy,
hey cut that out.
(Tom moaning)
- [Crow] That'll hurt.
(eerie music)
See honey, all this could be yours.
- Sure is beat down around here.
- [Tom] Yup, yup.
- What is that?
- What is it, Chase?
- [Tom] It's a bridge!
- Looks like an animal of some
sort walking around here.
- [Tom] Taylor branch.
- You mean, it was animal here?
- Sure, could be anything,
even a mountain lion.
(Crow meowing)
Oh come on.
- [Joel] Kitty cat.
Now that was a huge log
I was hauling earlier.
I'm very immense and huge, believe me,
thanks a lot, enjoy the rest of the show,
and head out to the lobby and
enjoy a delicious bon-bon.
- [Tom] Bon-bon?
- [Joel] I don't make
this noise myself, folks,
it's called folly.
I'll be back later with another fun fact.
Thanks, and enjoy.
- [Crow] Hey, he put on a
little weight for the role,
just like De Niro.
- [Tom] No, that is De Niro.
- [Joel] He's dedicated.
Very, very dedicated.
- [Crow] He's cute.
(chuckling)
- Thirsty?
- Yes, but, haven't we
gone far enough, Chase?
- [Joel] Uh oh, don't
drink, that's my urine.
I don't even do that.
- Oh that's bitter.
- [Crow] What do you expect?
- It's got an awful lot of mineral in it.
- Come on, let's go.
- Well wait a minute.
Let's take a breather first.
- Chase, I.
- [Tom] He's doing a Gap commercial.
- Let's go back.
- Are you afraid?
Now you come on over here with me,
sit in the shade.
- [Joel] Oh yeah.
(humming)
- [Crow] Whoa, ow.
- [Joel] I like to watch. (babbling)
No, do it like this.
- [Tom] Huh?
(car honking)
- [Joel] Come on, let's go already.
- [Tom] These kids today, I tell ya.
(car honking)
- [Crow] Sh! Come one.
- [Tom] (coughing) Hey
gang, I drank lizard urine.
(grunting)
- It's Pat's car at
the bottom of the wash.
Two or three miles back
by the old reservoir.
- Were they in it?
- No, nothing.
- [Crow] So, you called us up for that?
Geez!
(Tom booing)
- [Tom] Did I ever tell you
about the six levels of drinking.
It's really fascinating.
(car revving)
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
(moaning)
- [Tom] Oh, here comes this guy.
- Hello, Crow.
(laughing)
- Oh, he got it wrong.
- Hiya Tom Servo.
(laughing)
I am Mr. Day here.
- Hey, look at me.
Isn't this something.
- Crazy Guggenheim,
one of the truly funny drunks.
- You know, you just
don't see comical drunks
like the ones in this week's
experiment anymore, do you?
- What happened now?
When did public intoxication
stop being funny?
- Well, I think the '60's
were kind of the golden age
of the funny drunk.
Remember Otis, from Mayberry?
- Oh yeah.
Sandy, I'll just let
myself in to the jail.
(laughing and hiccuping)
- What about Dean Martin?
He was really funny when
he was drunk, wasn't he?
- Yeah, he was also very cool, you know.
I think it would be a good
idea if we each did our
favorite funny drunk.
- Me first, me first.
I got one already.
I'm gonna be the guy who calls you,
who gets really drunk, calls
you at three in the morning,
and tells you what a good friend you are.
Joel, help me out on this.
You can do the guy on the
other end of the phone.
- Okay.
- [Tom] I'll do the ring.
(mimics ringing)
- Hello?
- Hi, you know what man?
You're a really good friend.
No, really, you're a good friend.
(Joel and Tom laughing)
I love you man, I love you,
you're a beautiful person, I admire you.
You made something of yourself man.
You got out of this town.
- [Tom] Joel?
- I think that's great man.
- Bail me out, buddy, will ya?
- I'll never get out.
- Crow, Crow, Crow,
that's very good, very funny.
(Crow whimpering)
Very poignant.
Very bittersweet.
- Thank you.
- [Joel] Tom, you want
to do yours?
- Well, I'm gonna be everyone's
favorite funny drunk.
I'm gonna be the life of
the party on New Year's Eve,
if you know what I mean.
Just imagine now, get this,
I have either a lampshade or a
fez perhaps on my head there.
Okay, here we go.
Hey everybody, it's almost
midnight! (hiccuping)
Guess I'll see you next year!
(Tom and Crow laughing)
(Tom grunting)
- Oh my god, my only
friend is having a stroke.
(Crow whimpering)
Tommy, Tommy (whimpering).
- [Gypsy] Hey Joel.
- What?
- Give your friend Gypsy a
big, sloppy red one, huh?
(kiss smacking)
- You guys, stop it,
this isn't funny anymore.
- Guys, did we just do an
after school special, here?
- Well, I don't think so,
I haven't seen Scott Baio on the premises.
(laughing)
- Well, actually, since
we've moved into that genre,
I think it's time to do
the poignant, thoughtful
ending, don't you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Rarely have we seen a person fail
- [Joel, Tom] who has
thoroughly followed our path.
- [Joel, Tom, , Crow]
Our story is disclosed
in a general way what happened.
- [All] What we were like,
and what we are like now.
(alarm beeping)
We got serenity saddle!
Let's go!
- Turn the motor on.
The wince is already engaged.
Now, if I yell, turn the key off.
- [Lisa] Okay.
- [Crow] Now what's this guy doing?
- [Tom] No, no, no, the steering
wheel's on the other side.
What are you from Europe or something?
- Okay?
Go ahead!
- [Crow] Should I go backwards?
- [Tom] Go ahead!
- [Crow] Um, I thought
you said go backwards.
- [Tom] That's right, go ahead!
- [Crow] Um,
- [Tom] Yes?
- [Crow] But should I go left?
- [Tom] Right!
- [Crow] Tell me, should I go left?
- [Tom] Right!
- [Crow] That's what I'm asking.
- [Tom] Right!
- [Crow] So this?
- [Tom] No left!
Ladies and gentlemen, join us next week
for another edition of Abbott
and Costello Playhouse.
(chuckling)
- [Joel] Folks, I tried to get
them to rewrite this scene.
Next time, I'll assist on final cut.
Enjoy my special spring project.
- That a girl, that a girl.
Keep going.
- [Tom] Crawl it over on us, now.
- Go five!
- [Tom] I really get a sense
of where that monster is,
don't you?
- [Crow] Mmhmm, yeah.
- You did fine, honey.
- [Crow] I'll be using
this condescending tone
'til the mid '70's.
- Yeah, we'll meet you
back at the garage, okay?
- Okay, let's go, Jenny.
- [Crow] Can't that woman use a door?
- [Joel] I sing whenever,
oh no, I'm doing it, oh.
(car revving)
- [Tom] Look, a cheese shredder.
- [Joel] Well, I'm getting really hungry.
I've gotta stop letting
them get away, folks.
Until next time, good night and God bless.
(Tom, Joel, & Crow humming
"The Munsters Theme")
- [Crow] So, the entire town revolves
around the towing business.
- [Tom] Pretty much.
- [Woman] See ya later.
- [Tom] He sings whenever
he sings whenever he sings!
Ah, forget it.
- [Crow] Hi, you guys fixin' cars?
Can I hang around some?
- What did you find?
- By the reservoir and William's wash,
they weren't in it.
No sign of blood or anything.
I think they were thrown clear.
- Search the area?
- [Tom] Isn't that your job?
- Down the ravine for about a mile.
Well, we looked beyond the wreck
for a couple hundred yards.
Wouldn't you say, Gordy?
- At least that far.
- You see any footprints?
- No, none.
- [Joel] Looks like Tige
Andrews in the middle there.
- [Tom] No, it's Larry Miller.
- [Joel] Larry Miller, huh?
- Drives the same as that Sedan.
Like it's been hit with
a 10 ton rubber mouth.
- [Tom] Is that a fantasy
of yours, Sheriff?
- Rough trip down that
cliff, but could've done it.
- Yeah.
I'll have to go over
that area with a rake.
- [Crow] You are a rake. (laughing)
- You know, I've been thinking,
if Liz and Pat had eloped,
they wouldn't have taken his car.
'Cause old man Wheeler would
have it traced right off.
- Well, maybe he stored it, Chase,
and then it was stolen.
- [Tom] Larry Miller, ladies
and gentlemen, Larry Miller.
- Somebody parked it there.
Well, the brakes could have
made it, rolled off the edge.
- It would be a strange coincidence
if they came back to
this part of the county.
Possibility makes some sense.
I'll get my gear and
dust for fingerprints.
- [Crow] Oh, Rochester,
will you dust the truck?
- Gosh, I wish you boys
would have called me
before you drug it out.
I might've found some
clues to help us out.
- [Tom] (laughing) You could find a clue.
- The hard part's telling Mr. Wheeler.
I sure dread that.
- Not like we found them there.
- He's sure gonna raise Ned
'cause I didn't find this wreck sooner.
- [Tom] Ned? Raise Ned?
- Where's Mr. Compton?
- Oh, he we down to the field
with a load of fuel oil.
Back in two or three hours.
I'm gonna close up.
- I'll see you later.
- [Joel] I know, I know,
that's what I'm afraid of.
(laughing)
- [Tom] Real change, folks.
- [Crow] It's the wages of fear.
- [Joel] I sing whenever
I sing whenever she sings.
(hiccuping)
(yelling)
- [Joel] Whoa!
- [Crow] Wow, the first
cool thing in the movie!
- [Joel] I just know I'm
gonna take the blame for this,
and I wasn't even close!
- [Tom] Meanwhile, back
that the Joad house.
- Hi Mom.
Sign a plate.
- Just a minute, not so fast, there.
- What for?
- [Crow] Lean right guard mom?
(Mom laughing)
- Did you ever play football?
- With the Green Bay Packers.
- Hike!
(laughing)
- [Joel] That's not right,
picking up your mom and
playing football with her.
That's wrong!
Crazy people.
- [Tom] Oedipus, you put me down.
You'll poke your eyes out.
(Tom grunting)
- Keep 'em closed.
- This is silly.
- [Tom] Uh oh.
- Look what Lisa got me.
Stay there, Chase.
Watch.
(Crow sniffling)
- [Crow] Tugging at the heartstrings.
This isn't fair.
(whimpering)
- [Joel] I thought you meant
braces on your teeth, honey.
- [Tom] Take 'em back, they don't work.
- I can get up.
(Crow whimpering)
- [Crow] This is so tender.
Oh, it's so cute.
- [Tom] I can't take it.
(whimpering)
- [Crow] Whoa, the braces
shorted out the house.
(whimpering)
- [Chase] That was wonderful,
baby, just wonderful.
- I've been practicing all afternoon.
Ever since Lisa brought the braces over.
And I walked all the way, twice.
I want to do it right for you.
- [Tom] Uh huh, that's neat.
Who's your friend?
- [Crow] Okay, back in the case.
- [Joel] Silly chatterbox,
they're on the wrong feet.
(ukulele strumming)
- [Chase] ♫ There was a mushroom ♫
- [Tom] It's Raffi!
Here he is.
- [Chase] ♫ Sad little
♫ mushroom ♫
- [Joel] He really did come
with a banjo on his knee.
- ♫ Ready to cry
♫ There was a sparrow ♫
- [Crow] I'm gonna go
listen to my cat scream.
- [Chase] ♫ There was an eagle ♫
- [Tom] ♫ Who was a tow truck operator
♫ Who couldn't sing to save his life ♫
- ♫ The Lord said ♫
- [Tom] ♫ Tip toe through the tulips ♫
- ♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh
♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh
♫ The Lord said laugh, laugh, laugh ♫
- [Crow] Ouch, tough room.
- [Joel] She's trying to wish him
into the cornfields right now.
- ♫ And all that is left
to complete the joy ♫
- [Tom] ♫ If it wasn't for the
- [All] ♫ blue tail fly
♫ Jimmy crack corn
♫ and I don't care ♫
- ♫ Yeah
♫ Yeah ♫
- [Joel] I have to smile, he's my brother.
- ♫ And there was a garden ♫
- [Tom] ♫ I got a fast tow truck ♫
- ♫ A beautiful garden ♫
- [Joel] He's improvising now.
- ♫ Of a world without joy ♫
- [Crow] Thanks for cheering us up.
- [Chase] ♫ Then there was laughter ♫
- [Joel] Well, we assume that.
- [Chase] ♫ Wonderful laughter
♫ For he created ♫
- [Tom] Boy, you know, I
just love a Sammy Cahn lyric.
- ♫ And the Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh ♫
- [Joel] This is the Chapin
brother they don't talk about.
- [Crow] I'm gonna kill him.
(Crow mimics child giggling)
- ♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh
♫ The Lord said laugh ♫
- [Tom] Whoa, he's going
into his head voice.
- ♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh ♫
- [Joel] Yup, smells like teen spirit.
- [Tom] Take it home, brother.
- ♫ The Lord said laugh ♫
- [Tom] Please.
- ♫ Laugh ♫
(Crow gasping)
- [Crow] No, not the coda.
- [Crow, Tom, & Joel] No!
- [Joel] That's real nice,
but it doesn't help my legs.
- Laughing's important, isn't it Chase?
- It sure is.
(Tom yelping)
And you know, I never felt
any more like laughing.
- [Crow] Thanks a lot.
- I didn't think you'd be able
to do that good in a week.
- Didn't you really?
- Honest.
But you know, you're gonna
have to work real hard.
You mustn't be disappointed.
Takes a long time, okay?
- [Crow] Now, scram, I got a dame here.
- It's your bedtime.
- Do I have to, Chase?
- You sure do.
- [Tom] Yup.
- [Chase] Show me how you can walk.
- [Crow] Get out before
he starts playing again.
- Good night, Lisa.
- [Tom] Little grand-stander, you.
You gotta love her.
- [Joel] Don't ever sing that song again.
- That was a wonderful
thing for you to do, Lisa.
- I wanted to.
- Now you're broke, aren't you?
- [Joel] No, but my spirit is.
- I was gonna pick 'em up in the morning.
- I know.
When you showed me that money,
I was afraid that you'd get there first.
(phone ringing)
- Well, I'm still
gonna pay you for it.
- No.
(phone ringing)
- Yes.
(phone ringing)
- No.
(phone ringing)
- Yes.
- [Tom] Yes! (laughing)
- Hello.
- [Crow] (laughing) How
are things at headquarters?
- Well he should've been back an hour ago.
- [Joel] He's phoning in his lines.
- Where?
No, it couldn't be Mr. Compton.
- [Crow] You don't say.
- All right.
- [Crow] You don't say.
- At the garage?
All right, I'm leaving now.
- [Crow] You don't say.
- What is it?
- [Crow] He didn't say.
(laughing)
- Honey, I'm awfully
sorry, but I gotta leave.
- Here he comes now, Sheriff.
- [Crow] Hide the flask.
- [Sheriff] Come on.
- Wait a minute, Sheriff,
you got a sore foot.
- [Sheriff] Aw son.
- [Tom] What?
Gotta shoot him.
Oh.
- Take my model ace,
it's all shiny bright.
- No, we'll take my car.
- [Joel] Shut up
cookie pants, get in.
- No, I didn't see it,
but I sure heard about it.
- Can I open this thing up?
- Yeah, go ahead.
- [Tom] No, but I'm flattered.
- [Joel] Check your rims.
- [Crow] Let's get going.
(Tom mimicking car sputtering)
- [Tom] Why don't ya do the
next scene down at the garage.
(car driving)
(car driving)
- [Joel] Hey, on three let's
throw the old guy out, huh?
Ready, one, two, oh, we're here already.
Chinese fire drill, everybody out.
- [Tom] Aw geez, absolutely
no salvage with this one.
Aw, look at the poor guy.
Let's stick some cloves in him.
- [Crow] Tires look good.
- [Voiceover] Be careful, it's pretty hot.
- He's not in it.
- The man get hurt and crawled away.
- [Joel] Sheriff face the fact
the man's dead.
- [Crow] Just look for a burning guy.
- Find anything, Sheriff?
- Let's go over this again.
- [Joel] Uh oh.
- How did you get in?
- [Crow] Here comes
the vaudeville routine.
- Tell me again.
- [Tom] What's on second?
- Well, I was barreling
along in the mud lane,
don't look like much now,
but she was a beauty when I--
- The accident.
(Tom mimicking drumming)
- Get up to sixty.
- The accident.
(Tom mimicking drumming)
- [Joel] Just the facts, man.
- Well, I'll tell you.
- I wish you would.
(Tom mimicking drumming)
- [Crow] What's on second?
- Seen the headlights coming
up the way towards you.
And all of the sudden,
they come at you going--
- [Tom] These two are
just glowing, aren't they.
- Hey! She blew up.
(Tom mimicking drumming)
Well, seeing somebody
is a might of trouble
so he come in the store talkin' about it,
that's when I offered to call you.
- [Crow] Don't ever touch me.
- Did he see anything else?
- Nope.
- [Joel] Can you see me?
- Wanna wait in the car
for us?
- No.
- [Joel] Is there a point
to your little story?
- Sheriff, okay.
(Tom mimicking drumming)
(applauding)
- [Joel] I'm hungry.
- [Tom] Oh, now here comes Zeppo.
- Aw, nothing.
- [Tom] Here comes this guy.
- [Joel] What's he about?
- Compton oughta be around here.
- Maybe he's in the hospital.
- No, I checked there
before I left my place.
Would Compton have any
reason to want to get lost?
- No, none that I can think of.
- You would have no
reason to know about this,
but been a lot of
livestock missing lately.
- [Crow] Another plot, aw man!
- That doesn't make headlines.
But now, it's people.
- You think there's a tie up?
- I don't know.
What we need is a criminal investigator
and headquarters won't send.
- [Tom] Do we maybe have
a Sheriff in the vicinty!
- Maybe they will now.
- Yeah, maybe.
Did you notice those skid marks?
- [Joel, Tom, & Crow] Would
you forget the skid marks!
- If he'd been hit with another vehicle
the paint'd be knocked off.
What batters a car
around like it was a toy.
- [Crow] My wife, good night everybody!
Enjoy the veal.
- How's the barn coming
along for the party?
- All right.
- [Crow] By the way, the stove's on.
- You ain't changed here, got out light.
You took off this morning.
You just been sitting around
here on your can all day long.
That barn was the place to clean.
- You get the hep I set up?
- Yeah.
- [Voiceover] Well, you
steamboats, dreamboats.
- [Voiceover] That's the emoes now.
- [Voiceover] Steamroller here at KILT.
Have any of you wild rocks.
- [Joel] Can't stand that teen slang.
Turn it to Paul Harvey.
- [Voiceover] Night out of
Hardehay's barn on route 43.
Drop in, I'll slap you.
- Hey man, that's us.
We got the Steamroller coming out.
- That's where Chase's has been all day.
Getting the Steamroller.
- [Tom] With James Taylor.
- How 'bout that guy.
- [Joel] Was the Richard Speck
a popular haircut back then?
(Tom mimicking car sputtering)
- [Tom] Other door's jammed.
See, that's why it's got.
- [Crow] I love that door.
Really works well.
- Hey little man, you sure had a busy day.
Gettin' me a paint job.
And Steamroller Smith.
- [Joel] Snuffy Smith?
- Now how'd you guys find
out about Steamroller Smith?
- Well, he just said so on his program.
Said it right out on the network.
- I wanted it to be a surprise.
Well, come on, don't spread it around.
- [Crow] Yeah, wash your hands.
- [Tom] Really.
- How are the preparations coming?
- That'll be finished in about 45 minutes.
The gang won't start arriving from
- [Tom] You know, that's dirty weight.
- Under the wire with time to spare.
- No sweat.
- [Joel] We now return to
Three Jacks and a Jill.
- [Crow] Good, he's gonna get it.
- [Tom] He's drinking turtle wax.
(grunting)
- [Joel] Headed to Au Bar.
- ♫ Oh I ate the ground you walked on ♫
- [Tom] Oh no (shudders).
- ♫ Little darlin'
♫ For all them things
that you have did to me
(Tom mimicking drumming)
♫ Oh you nag me 'til you home ♫
- [Tom] Grandpa Jones,
ladies and gentlemen.
- [Crow] I know you feel bad, Mr. Gower.
- ♫ And I'll forget your memories ♫
- [Tom] Please, kill him, please.
- I feel good!
- [Joel] Things make sense
when you're all liquored up.
It's fun!
(train honking)
- [Joel] Hepper chase.
- Come on, tessy bell.
Let's go.
- [Tom] Tessy bell?
- [Crow] Stupid man,
more powerful than a locomotive.
- [Tom] I've seen this.
This was the last scene from
Crazy Larry and Dirty Mary remember?
(train honking)
- [Joel] Home alone!
- [Joel, Tom, & Crow] Aw!
- [Tom] Look out, everybody,
there's a forked tongue in the road.
(laughing)
(Tom mimicking gulping)
- [Joel] Oops, that's
me, I did that, sorry.
(eerie music)
Billy goat, billy goat, get off my bridge.
- [Tom] It's the Soul Train!
- [Joel] ♫ We're traveling on the engine
- [Joel & Tom] ♫ On the Happy Day express
- [Joel] ♫ The letters on the engine say
- [Joel & Tom] ♫ J-E-S-U-S ♫
- [Joel] I like butter,
look my chins yellow.
That means I like butter.
(eerie music)
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
(eerie music)
- [Crow] Why's he driving in a river bed?
- [Tom] Beats me.
- [Joel] Hey look, a hand up there.
(laughing)
- [Tom] The director, folks.
Ooh.
(woman screaming)
- [Joel] Nope, didn't
see it, never saw it.
Nope, nope.
- [Tom] Not gonna get involved.
I'll act like I'm in New York City.
Turn around, get the heck outta here.
Nope, by ned, nope.
- [Crow] Where's the
dining car? (laughing)
- [Joel] Hey, there's meat on the inside.
Barbecue!
- [Tom] I don't know where to begin,
it all looks so good.
(yelling)
- Something real strange must
have happened down there.
- [Crow] If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up and dial again.
- You'll be him if you want it.
- [Crow] Yup, I'm rubbing
my belly right now.
- Sit down, Harris.
- [Tom] Aw, crammety, pull
up your pants and sit down.
- [Joel] Watch the feet, ah.
- Going down to the wreck, Sheriff?
- No, that's not in my territory.
- [Crow] What is your territory?
- Troopers will take care of that.
Harris, tell me again
about the train wreck.
- [Tom] ♫ Well, we're on
the wake of the ol' '09 ♫
- Just a minute, just a minute.
I asked you what time it is,
and you tell me how to build a clock.
Just the facts about the wreck.
- [Joel] You got me.
- I was driving along, quiet like.
- The wreck.
- Then I turned around and come back here
and told you about it.
- Give me your keys, Harris.
- Keys, my keys?
What for?
- Spinning the yarn like that,
driving while drunk.
- [Joel] Room 310, I'll
be there after nine.
- I demand a soberty test.
- That's nice of you.
Go lock yourself in.
- [Tom] You're under arrest
for being bad comic relief.
- I ain't been drinkin'.
- [Crow] Thank you, Senator,
your statement has been duly noted.
- Belief that I was not heavy.
- [Crow] Out, baby, out, out, out!
- Whatever you think's right.
Which way to the cell?
- [Tom] Don't you see
what you're doing to me?
- Can't win 'em all, can you, Sheriff.
- [Crow] Is this your bottle?
- [Joel] That's the only wife I need.
- [Crow] Well, nothing
wrong with me having a bit.
Little tittle here.
- [Tom] Blue cheese flavored vodka.
- [Crow] What do you mean topsoil's gone?
What do mean the moot?
- [Joel] Well, ma.
Lisa, I'm home!
- ♫ My baby she rocks ♫
- [Joel, Tom, & Crow] No!
(whimpering)
- ♫ My baby she rocks ♫
- [Joel] Somebody took a bite
outta that doily.
I'm joining the circus.
- I'm going to spend the
night with the Blackwells.
Mama said it was all right.
Will you take me over?
- Well, I don't know, Missy.
That's two or three miles out.
- [Crow] Before she couldn't walk,
now she's haulin' furniture.
- Oh, sure I will.
- Chase, what in the world
have you done to that car?
- It's a different fuel mixture,
you like it?
- I just barely touched the gas pedal
and back wheels started to spin.
- [Tom] Oh Mom, watch the pizza.
- Come on, Mom, I'm just trying to make
a hot rodder outta you.
(ringing)
- [Crow] Hey, it's Oedipus on wheels.
- I'll get that.
- [Tom] Is there a phone on every wall?
- Hello.
Yeah, hello Sheriff.
The what?
Book on reptiles?
- [Joel] Sheriff,
you're breathin' all funny.
- Yeah, sure.
- [Crow] Got your leg up?
- I have to take Missy
over by the Blackwells.
I'll stop by on my way to pick up Lisa.
Okay?
- [Crow] He's a queer duck.
- Well, now I'm gonna tell
you something you don't know.
- [Tom] Your mother's a guy.
- And the Gila monster's
size is controlled.
- [Tom] Say, beefcake fellas.
- Thyroid or pituitary gland.
Sometimes a change in diet
can throw the balance all out of whack.
Either the cells breakdown too fast
or build up too slow.
- [Joel] I got the problem, too.
- Makes either runts
or giants out of them.
- Good, but, what's that mean to me?
- [Crow] Trouble.
- Zoologist also told me about a doctor
who just found some huge
animals down in Tanganyika.
The theory was that
they lived in kinda river delta.
- [Crow] You're really deep.
- Certain salts had
washed into the valley,
been absorbed by the plants,
then transferred to the animals
causing them to be giants.
(mimicking blowing noises)
- All right.
- I know.
I probably sound a little bit like Harris,
but let me tell the whole
thing in my own words.
- [Crow] Norman Rockwell, sheriff.
- There was another report
out of Russia or the Ukraine.
- [Joel] And Brazil or something.
- In the paper a couple of months ago,
maybe you saw it.
About a baby that weighed 130 pounds
when it was 10 months old?
Taller than his mother?
- [Crow] What, you think I'm illiterate?
I read the Enquirer.
- Must be a giant.
- Yeah, and that same thing
could happen right here.
Did you see any footprints
around any of those wrecks?
- [Joel] Well, Glen is 50 feet tall.
- Gila monster footprints?
- Yeah, a big one,
about the size of a bus.
- [Tom] Loni Anderson's bust?
- Are you serious?
- [Joel] I'm in Shane.
- Harris saw it,
some of the survivors of
the train wreck saw it.
A giant lizard.
- Train wreck, where?
- [Tom] 10 people in this
town and there's no grapevine?
- Tonight, about an hour ago.
- [Tom] Why?
- Troopers were trying
to pass it off as shock
or optical illusion.
You can't always believe what Harris says.
- [Crow] I'll just let him ramble
before I chop him off at the knees.
- Black stripes.
- [Joel] Could be that peyote I had.
- I towed a guy in the
other day and he said
he'd been forced off the
road by something like that.
I didn't believe him
because he'd been drinking.
- [Crow] We've all been drinking.
- And another thing.
When we were looking for Pat's car,
we saw where something had
been drug down to wash.
You know, if they could
have gotten that big.
- [Joel] Then, I can get that big!
- Could have gotten him.
- [Tom] Oh, my thinker hurts.
- [Joel] Don't look at those,
there, they're not real.
- I shouldn't have told you about this
until after the party.
I just thought you'd wanna know.
- Then, we'd better warn everybody.
- No.
- [Tom] That would be tellin'.
- Troopers have got that staked
out for a couple of miles.
Just keep it to yourself.
It might cause panic.
- Okay, Sheriff, whatever you say.
- [Crow] If I don't tell, I'll just bust!
- Forget it for now, and
have some fun, will you boy?
- [Joel] Sorry about the train wreck.
Go enjoy yourself.
Live the high life, you know.
- [Crow] It's the annual
fire hazard dance.
- [Tom] Aw, heck, and we're
gonna miss the barn raisin'.
Shame, really.
- [Crow] ♫ Doin' the butt
♫ Tow truck driver got a big ol' butt
♫ Doin' the butt ♫
(Tom singing)
- Well, hello.
I'm so glad you could join me.
I'm your host, Thomas Servo,
and this is Servo on Cinema.
This week, Director Ray Kellogg.
Ray Kellogg, of course was a--
- Cut, cut, excuse me Tom.
We've only got the one
camera, Cambot, okay?
- Oh, of course, thank you.
(clearing throat)
Ray Kellogg, much like his
good friend Orson Wells,
Kellogg's career was
short-circuited by his enormous ego
and his difficulties
in holding to a budget.
For example, in today's film,
the Gila monster affect
achieved at the use of a
normal sized Gila monster
and detailed sets filled
with twigs and matchbox cars
and it was enormously expensive
and there was virtually no
money left for blocking.
But Kellogg--
- 'Scuse me, don't you
think you should say a word
to the audience about
what blocking is, maybe?
- Don't mind me, it's only my show.
- Good, I'm glad you said that.
People of Earth,
blocking is a technique used by directors
to tell his actors where to stand
or maybe what to do with their bodies.
- Yeah, like in today's film.
You'll excuse me, Tom.
- Sure, fine.
- Well, the director just had the actors
put their legs up on everything.
- I was getting to that!
You see, it's called the leg up position.
- Maybe the leg up position is cheap,
but for Pete's sake, they're unrelenting.
They put their legs up on pipes,
on benches.
- [Tom] Stop it!
Joel, tell him to stop.
(all talking at once)
- This is his thing, you know.
- Oh, sorry.
- Thank you, Joel.
Beat it, buddy.
Well, I thank you.
Without further adieu,
a short film by Cambot.
A tribute to the blocking techniques
of director Ray Kellogg.
Known for the firmness
of his leg up position.
- Suitcases, on each other.
- Crow!
(upbeat percussion music)
- Have you seen Point Break yet?
- No, but I understand Swayze
does just about all his own stunts.
- Yeah, 100%, pure adrenaline.
- What about next of kin?
- You're ruining it, it's my show.
I want my show!
- [Crow] What's up with him?
- I want my show!
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
- All right, hold it,
hold it all you jumping beans.
- [Tom] That wasn't very fun.
- Now, I got a surprise for you.
We got the king of the deejays.
- [Joel] Aw, man, I hate it
when seniors keep coming back.
- On KILT.
That's right.
(crowd cheering)
- [Crow] Yeah, we're gonna
do a nutty wake-up call
on Marty Ingels.
- [Tom] Sieg heil, everybody,
sieg heil. (laughing)
- Okay, you're old dad here has tall words
and some great records.
I want you to have a ball tonight.
Let's begin with one of
the top KILT survey stars.
What do you say, now,
let's everybody dance.
(upbeat music)
- [Tom] This guy really
earns his salary, doesn't he?
- [Crow] ♫ Shake, shake,
shake your forbidden parts ♫
- [Tom] ♫ Shake those forbidden parts ♫
- [Joel] When the caddy's rockin',
don't bother knockin'.
- [Tom] Conrad Bain!
- Do you mind telling me
what this is all about?
- Have you been down to the train wreck?
- [Crow] I'm the sheriff, what
would I be down there for?
- I talked to the trooper
about my son's car.
- [Tom] What, he's selling
his kid's car already?
- Shouldn't have been
moved until a thorough
investigation has been made
and it had been photographed.
- [Joel] Wait a minute, Conrad,
you wearing pants under that coat?
- I thought not.
That was removed and clues
lost without authority.
You didn't put that in your
report, did you, Sheriff.
- [Joel] Duh, huh?
- Of course, you didn't.
And I'll tell you why.
- [Joel] 'Cause you're
Earl Warren.
- You were protectin' that Chase Winston.
Covering him regardless the speck
it might have on others.
- [Crow] Chase Winston's a real booster.
- He's your son's friend,
probably the best one he's ever had.
Of course it wasn't in the report.
What good would it do.
- [Tom] Nobody reads those things.
- Any kid can make a mistake, Mr. Wheeler.
- Sheriff, it's my son that's missing.
- [Tom] Oh, throw that one up at me.
Twist the knife, why don't ya, ouch.
- [Joel] Are you a real sheriff?
- Have you heard the reports
about a giant lizard?
- [Tom] Yup, outta my jurisdiction.
- You believe 'em?
- I don't know, Mr. Wheeler.
Doesn't seem possible.
- Well why not?
They've been giants before.
- [Joel] There might be giants.
- How could anything that big
go unnoticed in this area?
- Have you ever walked the
length of William's wash?
- No.
- [Crow] Not naked.
- Know anybody that has?
- No.
- That area is so chocked with underbrush,
it isn't even good hunting ground.
And I say it is possible
for a giant lizard
to have lived there for
years without being seen.
- [Tom] Well, you're high, Conrad.
- Now.
- [Crow] This guy, he's like a puppet
made by Sid and Marty Krofft.
He hardly moves.
- [Tom] Yup.
- I can't blame you for
what's happened in the past,
but Compton's death is on your hands.
- How did you come to that conclusion?
- I'll tell you how.
- [Tom] I thought and I thought.
- Two miles beyond Pat's car.
And if you had investigated
that area thoroughly
as you're paid to do,
Compton might not have died.
- [Joel] Oh, quit funnin' me.
- Now, come out here,
I want to show you something else.
- [Tom] Uh oh.
- [Crow] You call this fixed?
- Our subject may have hit this car
but it didn't take the tires off.
And where are those new white sidewalls
on Chase Winston's hot rod come from?
- The lizard runs a chop shop?
- There was a towing charge against--
- He presumed the bill wouldn't be paid,
so he borrowed the tires in the meantime.
- Perhaps.
- That's thievery.
Destroying evidence and
obstructing justice.
Now, your last official act of office
will be to arrest that
boy and bring him in.
I'll go along
to ensure that it's done.
- [Tom] There's that
powerful gesture again.
- [Crow] Got me on that one.
(ominous music)
- [Tom] Sounds like a slow version of
"These Boots Are Made for Walking."
- [Joel] Are you ready to walk, boots?
I hate my life, it's (grunting).
(car revving)
- [Crow] Charo is playing.
- [Tom] Charo in charge? (laughing)
- [Crow] Yeah.
- [Tom] Barnaby Jones, epilogue.
- [Crow] It's a teen grope-fest.
(cheering)
(upbeat sockhop music)
- [Crow] Hey, the wallflower's here.
- [Tom] Now who invited Kim Curtis?
- [Crow] Must be related
to the producer Tim Curtis.
- Hey kids, a fella dropped
in over at KILT the other day.
- [Joel] He offered me
coke to play his record.
- A great new song.
I thought it was just fine.
I wanna play it for you.
We got a little pick-up group together,
and cut a demo disc on it.
I wanna play it for you,
and I'll see what you think about it.
- [Tom] It'll really
make you want a diary.
- The first person who
identifies the singer
on the record gets two free rides
on my elephant in Bangkok, Siam.
(laughing)
But you got to pay your
own over there and back.
- [Joel] Ooh, there's a stinger, ah.
- [Tom] Ouch (laughing).
(upbeat music)
- [Joel] It's Dionne Warwick.
- [Tom] The Dead Kennedys?
- [Crow] No, it's the
1910 Fruitgum Company.
- [Tom] Led Zeppelin?
- [Joel] No, no, nothing like that.
(yipping)
- [Crow] Whoa! Tige
Andrews, dancing up a storm
- [Joel] No, that’s Larry Miller.
- [Tom] Larry Miler.
- [Crow] Hey, there’s Jessica
Tandy in the back there.
- [Tom] She's dandy.
- [Joel] Hey, don't rush the stage.
- Hold your tar and feathers, yet.
I'm gonna play the rest of it.
How do you like?
(cheering)
- [Joel] It's got a good beat
and it's easy to dance to.
- Who's the singer?
- Elvis.
- [Crow] David Soul!
- [Tom] John Travolta!
- [Crow] Johnny Rivers!
- [Tom] Art Garfunkel!
- [Crow] Terence Trent D’Arby!
- [Tom] Johnny Thunders!
- But you lose.
Look, the same guy you
here singing on the record
also wrote the song.
Now, who is it?
(groaning)
- [Joel] Bobby Goldsboro?
- It's gonna come out on
records in a couple of months
and you can find his name on the label.
(crowd yelling)
- [Crow] Aw, we can't read!
- [Tom] Come on!
- I know it is.
- [Crowd] Who?
- [Joel] (foreign language)
Gary Lewis and the Playboys?
- Chase did it.
[Joel, Tom, & Crow] Kill him!
- Why didn't you say somethin'?
- [Voiceover] You didn't tell us.
- Well, I didn't know there was anything
I'd want to admit to.
(crowd talking)
- [Joel] Yeah, well
don't quit your tow job.
(crowd cheering and applauding)
- [Tom] Aw, this is sweet.
Just like when Vicki
Lawrence won the Grammy
on The Carol Burnett Show.
- [Crow] Thank you, thank you very much.
- Chase played me another little song.
It's kind of different from this one.
- [Joel] Different?
- But I imagine, with a little coaxing
by hitting your hands together like this,
he might give you a little preview of it.
What do you say?
(crowd applauding)
- [Joel] You mean like this!
- [Tom] Clapping!
- [Crow] You should have
washed it in cold water.
- [Joel] It’s a personal pan banjo.
(ukulele strumming)
- ♫ And the Lord said ♫
- [Tom] ♫ Tip toe through the tulips ♫
- [Chase] ♫ And the Lord said laugh ♫
- [Crow] Hey, see if you
can get your gun back
from the bouncer.
- ♫ Children laugh
♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh ♫
(Tom whimpering)
- [Joel] And the Lord said
taste my lizard steel.
(Joel babbling as lizard)
- [Crow] Tonight, on Night Gallery
Lillian Hellman, Edward R. Murrow, and I
will sneak a smoke behind the bar.
- [Tom] I’d say music hath
charms to annoy a savage beast.
- [Joel] So, Sheriff's ready to do-si-do?
- [Tom] Matchbox.
Save ‘em. Buy ‘em all.
Collect them all.
- [Joel] No, those are
Hot Wheels.
- [Tom] Corgis, maybe.
- [Joel] Sizzlers.
(Tom, Joel, Crow snoring)
- [Chase] ♫ Children laugh ♫
- [Crow] Boy, you brought
the party to a complete halt.
- [Chase] ♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh ♫
- [Tom] I'm guessing this is
the extended, boredom mix.
- [Chase] ♫ Children laugh
♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Laugh, laugh ♫
- [Crow] Okay, just blend in.
- [Joel] We're from the committee
to keep rock n' roll white.
- [Chase] ♫ The Lord said laugh ♫
- Just a minute.
- [Crow] It gets better.
- ♫ The Lord said laugh
♫ Children laugh ♫
- [Joel] I just wanna
know if the Lord said it
this many times in a row.
- [Crow] That’s why
Deuteronomy is so long.
- ♫ That I created for you
♫ Riddled with joy from out of the blue ♫
(exploding)
(woman screaming)
- [Crow] It's Jeff Ruby!
(Joel babbling as lizard)
(eerie music)
- No, don't panic.
(grunting)
- [Joel] And the Lord
said die, children, die.
(Joel babbling as lizard)
- [Crow] Hey, you forgot to stamp my hand.
(eerie music)
- [Joel] Ow, quit
pushing back there, ouch!
("Mystery Science Theater 3000")
(eerie music)
(gun shooting)
- [Tom] Aw, he couldn't hit
the broadside of a barn dance.
(gun shooting)
- [Joel] Ow. Ow. Ow.
Hey, leave me along, I paid the cover.
I can take a hint.
I don't need a bomb to fall on me.
- [Tom] Margaux Hemingway in Lipstick.
- [Joel] Yeah, I’m going
back to Jurassic Park.
Phooey on you crummy townspeople.
- [Tom] Well, he plumb crawled
out of my jurisdiction.
- What does it take to stop that thing?
- I don't know, but I'm
going down to the trainwreck
to get some troopers.
If we pump enough lead into that thing
we may hit a vulnerable spot.
- [Crow] Doh, whatta you want?
- You're gonna have
to give me a hand.
- But how?
- Keep these kids here.
I don't want anybody roaming around.
(intensified eerie music)
- [Tom, Joel, Crow] ♫ Hey Wild rebels
♫ Crunchy, chewy rebels ♫
(car sputtering)
- [Sheriff] You've been
after this, no you got it.
- [Tom] He pinned me.
- Listen kids.
Wheeler's my deputy, you'll
take your orders from him.
Arrest anybody that tries to get away.
- [Joel] One hour deputizer (shooting).
- [Crow] All right, you're arrested.
- [Wheeler] Sheriff says
this is the place to stay.
- Well, we're not staying here.
- [Voiceover] That's right.
- I'll have to arrest anyone that leaves.
(crowd arguing)
- [Crow] We now return to Bearcats,
with Rod Taylor and Dennis Cole.
(car skidding and revving)
- [Joel] We'll try reasoning with him.
- [Crow] Oh, it's everything
you said it was and more.
- Now you take these keys and
you wait inside the office
until I get back.
- [Tom] You want a sandwich?
A storage sandwich?
Microwave burrito?
Bagel dog?
- [Crow] Mom, how'd you
get the knot untied?
- [Tom] I leave the door open.
Let me see light.
- I told you to wait inside.
Why don't you do what I tell ya?
I haven't got much time.
- You're not going to leave me, Chase.
I'm going to help.
- You know what's in here?
Nitro-glycerin,
enough to blow up half this town.
- It doesn't matter.
I'm still going to help.
- [Tom] But she can speak
English all of the sudden.
- All right, now take these, hold 'em,
and don't let them bump.
And for heaven sakes don't drop them.
- [Joel] Mom, I'll be back
later to monkey out, okay?
- [Tom] Please leave the light on.
Oh, it's the other leading brand of nitro.
- Now hold those.
(car engine starting)
- [Crow] Hey, Joel, now he’s driving
a nitro-burning Funny Car!
(laughing)
- [Tom] Left, no wait, no.
(Tom, Joel, Crow mimicking explosion)
- [Tom] So, how do you like Berkley?
- [Joel] This is Gila country,
you (clapping) beware (clapping).
(dramatic, eerie music)
- [Tom] No, no, it’s The Field.
With Richard Harris!
- He went through here all right.
Now they generally travel
in a straight line.
- [Joel] Unless they're hammered!
- That's where Missy is!
- [Crow] What does the
Lord say about that?
- [Joel] Can Gila come out and play?
(Tom hiccuping and exhaling)
- [Joel] Oh, this is the Escher house,
he thinks he went all the way through.
- Missy!
- [Crow] Mary, don't you know me?
- Hold on to that nitro,
we're cut to cross.
- [Crow] Fasten your seat belts,
it's going to be a bumpy night.
(car revving)
(siren blaring)
- [Joel] N. Y. forget it.
- [Crow] Gotta drain the lizard.
Gonna go drain the lizard.
That's what I'm doing, yup.
(Joel mimicking explosion)
- [Chase] You wanna blow us up?
There they are.
- [Tom] Whoa, it’s The
Evil Dead all of a sudden.
- [Crow] Look out.
- It's all right, Missy.
It's all right.
Lisa, get Missy and hold her down.
Both of you, lie flat.
- [Crow] Get in here with the nitro.
It's safe.
- [Joel] If you're unsure and
it's the ‘50s—duck and cover.
- [Crow] I will prevail,
I'm a survivor, like Cher.
It's go time, let's party (babbling).
- [Tom] Uh oh.
- [Crow] I saw this
coming a long way away.
The horror, the horror.
(explosion)
- [Joel] Oh, they killed off
the only likable character.
Golf shoes for everybody!
- [Tom] I dub this spot Luggage World.
- [Crow] I love the smell
of lizard in the morning.
Smells like chicken.
(sirens blaring)
- [Tom] I'm still here, hepper.
You crap hound.
- [Joel] Oh, here comes Johnny
on the spot, now, great.
Well, these are out of state boys.
They arrested me,
I was out of my
jurisdiction, don't you know.
(Crow squeaking)
- Are you all right?
- [Joel] I'm bitter, mommy.
- That's okay, honey.
- I tore my new dress.
- Oh, we can get you a new dress.
- A hundred dresses.
- [Joel] It's coming out
of your allowance.
- [Sheriff] Everybody all right?
- [Tom] We make a nice warden.
- [Crow] Ow.
- On the way back, we picked up his trail.
Followed him across country.
(fire crackling)
(eerie music)
- [Tom] Oh, good, Adlai Stevenson is here.
- What did you hit him with?
- [Crow] Everything I had.
- My brand new, 100% completed hot rod.
- [Crow] That too.
- I had to start in the next county.
- [Joel] Hi, what did I miss?
- Not with four quarts of nitro glycerin.
- You rode across that
rough field carrying nitro?
- Yes.
- [Crow] Good job, McCloud.
- Do you know what could
have happened to you?
- It did.
I lost my car.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
Railroad will be glad
to buy you a new one.
- [Tom] And the upholstery of course
will be from Gila and
Ila of Beverly Hills.
- Did I run, Chase,
did you see it?
- I sure did, Missy,
you were really traveling.
- [Crow] Like Holly Golightly?
(upbeat music)
- [Joel] Hey, teeners,
we found a new place
to park and party.
- [Sheriff] Keep those
kids up at the barn.
- Well, how do you arrest a bunch of kids
going in all different directions?
- [Tom] Easy, teargas.
- [Crow] Rubber bullets.
- If that thing had turned back.
- Same thing could happen to Pat.
(Tom whimpering)
Sheriff, your job is a much
bigger one than I thought.
- [Crow] So is your gut.
- That's a compliment, John.
I guess Chase is out of a job.
- [Sheriff] That's right.
- Would you make it a
point to make the boy
come 'round and see me in the morning?
- [Sheriff] I'll bring
him around in the morning.
- [Tom] Next time on the
ABC Movie of the Week,
Clint Howard in Killdozer.
- [Joel] The Sheriff
will be back in Gila two,
the revenge, this time it's personal.
- [Crow] Chase, take us out with a song.
(eerie music)
- [Voiceover] Bring it
down, a little more.
- Two, two, two.
Hey, check on the mike.
Hey, Cambot, I need a
little more monitor on here.
Two.
- Two, two.
Check two.
- Hey, just a second, Tom.
We're gonna go through
the song list now, okay?
- Okay, Sure.
Two, two two.
- This is the way I see it,
we're gonna start with the
stuff we know we're gonna do.
That Eric Burdon,
♫ I'm gonna ride the serpent ♫
That's followed by
Cold Blooded.
- [Tom] Cold Blooded.
- And Crow.
- No, it's Newt.
- I'm sorry Newt, but
we're not gonna be able
to do Karma Chameleon for this show.
Okay, so we do the line up as is.
We start with the stuff we know,
followed by the stuff we don't know,
followed by Tom Servo's.
- No, no, I'm the gecko!
- By the gecko's touching,
heartfelt version of
"It's Not Easy Being Green."
Kinda like the way that
Buddy Rich did it on
The Tonight Show.
And then, finally, for the finale, Crow,
I mean the Newt,
will do the Gene Simmons tongue thing.
- Say guys, I had to be the flat tire
in your tour bus,
I don't want you to think
I'm the aspirated dramatist.
- What is your point, Crow?
- Aren't we just doing
the same stuff we did
when we were Spy Door?
You know the glam rock power trio
from Earth Versus the Spider,
it's the same thing.
- No way, man, we're going in a
completely different direction here.
The line up's different,
the instruments are the same.
- These helmets are new.
- And the sign,
and it's pretty lame, isn't it.
We should just go ahead and read a letter.
(exhaling)
- Yeah, you're right.
Okay, well, here we go,
we got the letters.
People always seem to like that.
This is from, get that on still.
This is from Shannon, age four.
It says Shannon likes your show.
And it reads Gypsy, Joel, Tom,
and then Crow is Art.
- [Crow] Art?
(Tom laughing)
- She thinks you're art.
And then we got another one here.
Let's put that on still story.
This one reads,
Dear Joe and bot.
- Bots, that's us, woo!
We're the bots!
- I just love you little guys.
I like that way Tom Serbo sings.
My favorite robot is Crow,
but Joe is funny, too
And it's signed, TV's Frank?
- Yes! Yes! (laughing)
- What a little kiss up.
Push the button TV's Frank.
- Oh little John, have you seen my arrow?
(smacking)
(dramatic, epic music)
(upbeat music)
(laughing)