Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 15 - The Beatniks - full transcript

THEME SONG: In the not so

there was a guy named Joel, nottoo different from you or me.

He worked at Gizmonic
Institute, just

another face in a red jumpsuit.

He did a good job
cleaning up the place

but his bosses didn't like himso they shot him into space.

We'll send him cheesy movies,the worst we can find.

La-la-la.

He'll have to sit
and watch them all,

and we'll monitor his mind.

La-la-la Now keep in
mind Joel can't control

where the movies begin or end.

La la la.

Because he used
those special parts

to make his robot friends.

Robot roll call.

Cambot.

Pan left.

Gypsy.

Hi girl.

Tom Servo.

Crow.

If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes

and other science facts.

La, la, la.

Then repeat to yourself
it's just a show,

I should really just relax.

For Mystery Science
Theater 3000.

One, two, three.
OK.

Let's see what we got here.

Tom's got paper again.

Scissors cuts paper, I win.

Ow ow ow.

OK Crow my turn.

Come on.
Come on.

-Oh Crow.
-One, two, three OK.

As you can see here,
Crow's got scissors.

Rock crushes scissors and ah!

Oh.
Oh.

Ah ha ha!
OK.

Let's do it again, here.
-No.

-No.
-Hi everybody.

Welcome to the satellite oflove and Joel and the bots here.

And I was just teaching
the boys about a game

we used to play on
Earth when I was a kid

called Rock, Paper, Scissors.OK.

Let's do it again.
OK.

-No.
-Let's go.

One, two,

Commercial sign in 15 seconds.

Joel, I hope you're not playingtoo rough with those two.

No ma'am.

OK.
Here we go.

Ah.

-Ah
-What was that for?

Yeah Joel, play fair!

-you just called do-over, Crow?-What?

-Crow calls do over.
-No.

I didn't say.

OK let's do over, the
three of us this time.

OK.
One, two, three.

Way to go, Crow, my
arm's getting numb.

-Two, three.
-I didn't say anything.

OK, let's see.

Hmm, it looks like
he's got paper again.

I'm always paper.
Don't.

-Rock cost paper.
-Ow.

OK.

Oh, and uh, oh, this
is kind of interesting.

Because look at,
look at this, Crow.

It's like, you got scissorsand I got scissors this time.

Isn't that something?

I guess that makes
us even then, huh?

Well no mine are
really sharp scissors.

Ah!

Oh!

Commercial sign
in three, two one.

Commercial sign now.

You guys want to
play mumbly peg now?

-No.
-Ah!

Gypsy crushes Joel.

Oh, my back, my babies.
-Gypsy.

Thank you, Gypsy.

[music]

Oh my aching noggin.

Yeah well serves youright for taking advantage

of these little charmkins.

Oh yeah, well you ask
these little charmkins

what I found oozing out ofmy pillowcase this morning.

Oh you little baby.

It could've been a lot worse.

Yeah, at least we
killed them before we

stuffed them in there.

Enough you three.

[inaudible] and
bean are calling.

Greetings homunculus.

Let me set up this week'sinvention exchange.

Now--

Let me guess, they'regood luck troll costumes.

These good luck
troll cos-- Hey.

You wrecked my reveal.

Can we just get on
with this, please.

Shut up, Frank or I'lllet the dog play with you.

Face it, Boobykins.

The good luck troll doll
is a real popular item.

And we want to be popular,therefor deductive reasoning

demands these adorable
troll costumes.

Whatever happened
to empiricism?

That's two, Frank.

Imagine the coo's of
young college girls

as they place you intheir purse for good luck.

Or-- or better yet, place
you on the night stand

and rub your belly.

Oh yeah, I mean nothing
makes a coed melt more

than looking like a
combination of Michael

J Pollard, Yahoo
Serious and Buddha.

I mean, I can think
of five reas-- arghh.

Frank.

I'm out of here.

Frank, get back here.

Frank!

Make with your invention
exchange, Wishnic.

Well I'm wearing it.

It's for people who
love the game of pool

or pocket billiards
and want to take

it with them wherever they go.

It's called pocket
pool and it comes

complete with green
felt underwear

and this handy ball dispenser.

All right guys.

Let's rack them up.

Hey, I thought this wasgoing to be pocket lawn darts.

No.

Now I don't want you guys toput any beer glasses on me

or cigarette butts, all right?-Eight ball deluxe.

Stop talking and start chalking.

All right gentleman.

The game is eight ball.

And I break.

-Ooo.
-Op.

I've got stripes.

How do you know?

I just know all right.

OK.

Now this one's 13 off theside off two rails and a kiss

off the six.

Awww, I scratched.

-That means I'm up, right?-Uh, yes.

Hey, you got a
snooker down there.

Hey, get out of there, you.All right.

I'm going to have to
use the bridge for this.

Wait a minute, nothing doing.

What do you think, sir?

I think you need to work onyour English, Willie Mosconi.

No, your experimenttoday is called Beatniks.

Beatniks, great.

I love that stuff.

You have no clue what
you're about to endure.

Beatniks.

Man, I love those guys.

Man, I'm going to grow outmy troll patch and rail

against the establishment, man.

I have seen the best guys of myemanation, deployed by badness.

Cool, cool.

Cool, cool.

Into the theater Ferlinghetti.

Frank, baby.

[shouting]

I can't see anything.

Congratulations, you're
one second into the

film.
[chuckling]

N-- now the
plaster's coming off.

Look at that.

I said no, not--

-Here's your stupid cake.- --to be addicted?

Oh, what a lovely cake, Jessie.

Thank you.

I'm afraid it's store
bought, but the cinnamon

is mine and Phil's.
-Cinnamon?

Yes, it's settled to
the bottom of the cake.

Congratulations.
Oh, how nice.

Yeah, we're going
to light that candle.

What did you put it
on with a hypodermic?

Well, what else?

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

That's beautiful.

Oh, how nice.

Now, since it's yourengagement and your cake,

I think you ought to cut it.

All right, Jessie.

[WHISPERING] Kill, kill, kill.

Except I forgot the knife.Oh.

Why the one candle?

Well, to tell you
the truth, I've

never given an
engagement party before

and I don't know whether
it's appropriate.

--to stab you.

Anyway, I thought it
looked kinda pretty.

One candle, first engagementfor Ken and for Cynthia.

Uh, first and last
engagement for us both.

Right, honey?
-Right, Ken.

-Maybe.-Shall I blow out the candle?

Why not?

Oh, we wish you good things.

We wish you a long life,many children, and happiness.

You shouldn't
say that out loud.

It ma not come true.
[snorting]

What do you mean,
it may not come true?

Oh, uh, Phil was just
quoting, you know,

superstition, Ken, that's all.

Take it back, take it back!

I'm, uh, I'm very
superstitious.

That explains why you havegarlic in your underwear.

You are?

Oh, thank you.

Why, Bill never eats
my plastic cake at home.

Clamp.
Heh.

Sponge.
Heh.

Suture.
Oh, we got a bleeder!

There's butter
squirting all over.

Sponge.

Sponge cake.

Jessie?

Thank you.

Can you, uh, pass
the ketchup, please?

There you go.

Nngh.

-Mm.
-Oh.

Oh, it looks wonderful, Jessie.

It's very good.

There's a layer of
squirrel in here.

You know, really, uh,
your engagement came

as a kind of surprise, and--

- --seeing as we're engaged.-How did it happen?

Oh, come on now.

Do you want her tellingall the clinical details?

Oh, I don't want
any clinical details.

It must have been very romantic.

I just thought it wouldbe nice to hear about it.

Well, I think it's an
embarrassing question.

Oh, no.

That's all right, Phil.

I don't mind.

Well, Jessie, Ken had askedme to marry him before,

so it wasn't really so sudden.

In fact, I've been thinkingabout it for some time.

[sloppy eating noises]

You didn't tell me she
was playing hard to get,

if you want to know
the truth Jessie.

Shut up, shut up!

Excuse me.

Excuse me, I gotta go
toss a cake. [COUGHING]

Well anyway, one
day last week Ken

dropped by the nursing school.

Ugh, damned frosting.
Crap.

Too much flour.

I hate those BBs,
nonpareils, whatever

you call 'em, blech, ptah.

Ugh.

Ah!

Well, that's his secret.

-He's got a really nice skull.-Mm-hmm.

What, a toast?

I don't know any toast.

Anyway, toasts are to be drunkat-- at marriages and weddings.

I think we're getting alittle ahead of ourselves.

All right, I'll
propose a toast.

Here's to the party
getting better.

To my bride-to-be.

Props!
Props?

A glass?

The most girl in the world fromthe luckiest guy in the world.

And here's to the
most depressing

party I've ever been to.

-Thank you.
-Whoa.

Look at that.

He really snaked it in there.

Look at him go.
-Yes.

Oh, Ken.
[chuckling nervously]

Phil, you want to helpme get the coffee, please?

Ah, why don't you two
just do it on the table?

You're spoiling
this whole party.

-I'm what?-Keep your voice down, please.

Hey, can we get
some coffee in here?

We're thirsty in here.
Hey!

Eat the cake.

You got any ice cream?

I can't help it ifKnucklehead doesn't understand.

[coughing]-You are downright insulting.

You could have at least proposeda toast when I asked you.

-Ugh.-Look, this party was your idea.

It wasn't mine.
-Aw, look.

For Pete's sake!
[phone ringing]

Ooh, that's Pete now.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Ah, yes, hello.

This is Pete in Props.

Don't eat the cake.

Yes, he is.

All right, hold on.

Oh, even the phone's
for you, Mr. Wonderful.

-It's for you, Ken.
-Oh.

Must be the phone service.

Excuse me, honey.

Oh, does the great doctorhave a phone service?

You must be a big-shot doctor.

Phone service follows
you around town.

Well, how else are my patientsgoing to get in touch with me

if they have to?

Hey, I was kidding.

Heh.

What a dickweed.

Hello, Doctor Martin here.

Yes, I'm more important
than him, uh-huh.

-Yes.
-Yes, he is a dickweed.

-Oh, yes.
-And rude, too.

Yes, I understand.

Well, uh, how long
ago did she call?

Hm.
-Hm.

-I see.
-Mm-hmm.

Well, yes, I'll get overthere right away, of course.

When's our tea time?

Yes, OK, thank you.

Well, I'm going to go overto the morgue and cheer up.

Trouble, Ken?

Yes.

One of Dr. Doyle's old
patients, Mr. Harvey--

Well, she's a big
rabbit, you see there.

You know, Doctor Doyle hasn'tbeen feeling too well lately.

He's been in bed for a coupledays with a virus-- fever.

So I'm elected to
go see Mr. Harvey.

Oh, I see.

I won't be able to drop youoff at home on the way either,

honey.
-Oh, great.

Nobody's going to
help me clean up.

And I've got to get
there in a hurry.

[kissing noise]

Oh, well, that's all right.

I'll take a cab from here.

I'll get your coat, Ken.

All right.

Don't touch me.

I, uh, don't know
how long I'll be, uh.

I'll come back for you.

Well, Ken, why don't
you call us when

you find out more about it?

-We may not want you back.-Yeah.

Yeah.

Sure.

OK, honey.

Thanks for the laughs,sorry I'm going to miss you

out of the Russian roulette.

Well, there goes the
life of the party.

Ugh.

Sorry to cut out on
like this, Jessie.

It was a swell party
while it lasted.

We all understand, Ken.

See you, honey.

Uh, goodbye, Ken.

So long.

Another alcohol-free
party ends in shame.

This little playlet has beenbrought to you by the Booze

Council, reminding
you to always stock up

on alcoholic beverages forall your social occasions,

because booze really satisfies.

Booze takes a dull party
and makes it better.

Booze makes you popular
and heals all wounds!

ALL: [SINGING]
B-double-O-Z-E, booze!

[hiccups]

-Hey, it's Daddy-O.
-Oh no.

Yo 11.

Dad, are we there yet?

It's diamonds on my windshieldand tears from heaven.

I'm pulling into town
on the interstate.

I got a steel train in the rain.

Ed Wood?

[making trumpet noises]

Dad, I have to go
to the bathroom.

Go ahead on four, please.

Hey, thanks for the milk,wine, beer, and ice cream.

Oh no, they're going
to do kabuki theater!

Let's go.

All right, let's stop.

Let's do some crimes!

We were expecting you.

You've got under-arm odor,but you're being held up.

What do you do?

Well, I thought we could
hide the rest of it.

Same place like last time.

That's good.

Where's the fishing lures?

I want a new Ray Stevens tape.

Where's the jerky?

Not the ashes!

That's my uncle.

Haven't you boys ever
robbed anyone else?

Sure, but we like you.

I thought he liked me.

Hmm.

Heh.

How much do I owe you, pop?

Be my guest.

Aw, what do you think
we are, moochers?

Come on, hand him and let's go.

-They robbed Paul Wellstone.-Oh.

Thanks.

That's the government for you.

Stay away from that phone,Pop, or we'll give you trouble.

You want a double bag?

Oops, wrong car.

[screeching tires]

Hey, did you get me a Zagnut?

[honking and tires screeching]

Glenville, maker offine quality youth films.

The boatniks, OK!

No.

Where's Joe Flynn?

Travis Bickle?

Sometimes I wish the rainwould come down and wash

away all the scum of the city.

Oh, is the great
Martha Wentworth

going to be in this film?

Oh, is the great crow goingto do that joke every movie?

Augh.

[making guitar noises]

I know Grandma lives
around here somewhere.

Dad, Billy keeps hitting me.

All right, you two.

Cut it out or I'll turn
this thing right around.

Ah.

Yeah, no, Grandma
lives on this street.

I recognize it.

Look, could we just pullover and ask for directions?

I know where I'm going!

Daddy, Billy's pulling my arm!

Yeah.

The family car
trip sketch, ladies

and gentlemen. [chuckles]

Well, you just can't
leave her there--

I'm tripping.

--you know it's againstthe law to obstruct traffic.

[laughing]
-What'll I do?

It just pooped out.
-Huh?

Hey, get in.

We'll push you out of the way.

OK, but, uh, take it easy.

Sandra Bernhard.

[crashing]

Aw, thanks a lot.

Can I give me
something for that?

Hey, what's the
matter with you punks?

-We're beatniks.
-Aw, Iris.

Look what you've done.

[laughing]

What's the matter
with you kids?

You want to ruin the car?

Take it easy, Ace.

We didn't mean to bendthat pretty iron of yours,

but Iris is just
learning how to drive.

Isn't that right, Iris?

[chuckles]

That's very funny, isn't it.

Very funny.

[laughing]

Half the time I don'tunderstand your generation--

Come on, ready yet?

Let's move.

[laughing]

Oh, Iris!

Where was ya?

I thought you was
going to help out.

That they're making me--
they're making me mad.

I'm sorry.

I was busy.

-Yeah, we was all shopping.-For danger!

Eh, shopping.
Shopping with what?

The whole bunch
of ya ain't never

seen a quarter in one piece.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

What do you call that?

-Doomp!
-Gee, Woody.

I didn't mean nothing.

Boo shadow, boo shadow.

You hear what I said?

You what I said?

Drink your bottle
of A-1 and shut up!

You want be big wheel?

No, I don't want
to be a leader.

Leaders got too manythings on their minds, man.

I just got time for
one thing, Eddy.

On thing.
[claps and laughs]

We don't get you.

Must be some obscure,
conceptual thing.

How much you
think we got, Eddy?

Well, let's see, uh, threeTwinkies, some [inaudible],

a Mars Bar.

Not bad.

That's about 100 a
piece, split four ways.

-Five ways, punk.
-That's right, iris.

I meant five.
-Oh, yes, sir.

Yes, sir.
What'll you have?

Uh, chicken-fried steak's good.

Could I use your phone?

Well, the chicken-fried
phone is good, too.

Come on, Anita.

Let's get a little
service over here.

You've got a bunch of live ones.

That lady's got an
ice bag on her head.

We've got live ones, live ones.

Bunch of wise ones.

You hear that, Chuck?

The old lady's a gas.

Yeah, a real gas.

I don't know, it could bea loose battery connection,

but I'm not sure.

I think it's my lips aresaggy and my nose is elongated.

Wait a minute.

It's in front of Nadine'sDiner on, uh-- hey,

what street is this?

Four Street!

Thank you.

It's on Four Street!

On Four Street.

Now, how soon-- oh, you
can get over right away.

Well, thank you very much.

Oh, we gotta call Toots Shor.

Say, fellas.

Tell me.

Where'd you get the-- oh,where'd you get all the money?

-She's one of the Snoop sisters.-Oh.

Aw, come on, Iris.
Tell your old mama.

Where'd you get the money?

Well, I bought
short and sold long.

-Mama!
-Yeah.

Dry up, and you go out thereand get us some chow to eat.

Aw, sure, I will.

How would you all like somenice, chicken-fried steaks?

Huh?

May I suggest the
[inaudible] 56?

Operator, this
is Harry Bayliss.

I want to place a call to HarryBayliss Agency in Los Angeles.

That's fine, sir,
but you won't be in.

Iris, leave it alone.

You'll get it later.

Aw, honey, I-- I was justlooking for some change

for the jukebox.

Aw, come on.

OK, OK.

Just one fun-size Snickers?

Go have yourself a ball.

But don't play
Maureen McGovern.

Now, operator.I haven't got any more coins.

Now look, uh, just
reverse the charges.

It's my own office.

OK.

Yes, thank you.

Come on, Eddy.
Let's rock.

ALL: Ew!

Aw, come on, baby.

Just one dance?

These kids look like theylike they have a lot of fun.

Just one.

OK, It's gotta be
a Strauss waltz, OK?

Dish of ice cream,
don't tempt me!

Mm.

Sing to me, baby.

Get off my back, will you?

Hey, that's a punchline
to a dirty joke.

Heh.

-Come on, Eddy.
-OK.

Rock candy, baby!

You're mine.
Ooh.

[SINGING] Leather coat.

[SINGING] Dish of ice cream.

[SINGING] Duck-bill hair.

Hey, keep it down!

I'm eating a bagel over here.

[SINGING] Call me wild.

Oscar Wilde.

[SINGING] I don't care.

Yeah, Helen, I got thequartet all set at the Hilltop.

Oh, and I think
I got gigantism.

Helen, I can't hear on
account of this jukebox.

[SINGING] Playing it cool.

Playing it cool.

[SINGING] Real slick.

Having a ball.

What's he pointing at?

[SINGING] With a crazy chick.

Who, Frances Farmer?

[SINGING] Sideburnsdon't need your sympathy.

Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi.

[SINGING] Slow
down, they tell me.

[SINGING] In fact,
they tell me to shut up.

-[SINGING] How long can it last?-Huah!

[SINGING] But how
can I slow down?

Hey, I'm moving too fast.

Ooh!

[SINGING] Save your tears.

Would you like to make a call?

And who is that singing?

[SINGING] Don't cry for me.

[SINGING] Argentina!

[SINGING] I'll get along.

Just let me be.

I'm resolved.

I will kill him.

[SINGING] Sideburnsdon't need your sympathy.

Ah, opposable thumb.

I'm impressed.

Ooh!

You know, he's
sold more records

than Elvis or The Beatles.-Swear?

Mm-hmm.

[SINGING] --need your sympathy.

Ah.
Wow.

Joel, these are some beatniks.

Whoa, doggy.

Really, really beatniks.

I mean, you want
to see beatniks?

This is the movie that
has beatniks in it.

Yep, hoo boy.

Who are we trying to kid?

These people are
no more beatniks--

uh, they're not even boatniks.-Uh huh.

Beatnik guys don't wearsensible Sears windbreakers,

and beatnik women don't wearcampfire girl neckerchiefs.

If these people are beatniks--

If these people are beatniks,them Pat Boone is a beatnik.

Cardinal Stritch is a beatnik.

Yeah, yeah, if these
people are beatniks,

then my mom's a
beatnik, and she's not.

Carousel had morebeatniks than this movie.

I mean, come on.

A real beatnik would
blast across Route 66

with a bottle of George Dickel--ALL: [beatboxing]

--and a back
seat littered with

empty cans of Iron City beer.

I was hoping to seeweek-long heroin jags and--

-Hey, hey, hey.
-[inaudible].

Ch-ch-ch-ch.

Uh, I think they
get the point, Tom.

OK.

I think that, uh,
it'd be a good time

to take this opportunityto teach the people at home

and in transit some
of the telltale signs

that you're probably
not a beatnik, OK.

Aw, good idea.

Because either you
are, or you aren't.

And these people aren't.

Beatniks.

Uh, right.
Right.

OK, yeah.
-Yeah, right.

For example, if you ownmore than two polo shirts--

You're not a beatnik.

Right.

If you own even one
Night Ranger album--

You're not a beatnik.

If you find yourselfsaying things like, I'll be

right over after I clean up--

Or, Hey, come on.

I really like the gym teacher.

Or, could you please
pass the spring rolls?

ALL: You're probably
not a beatnik.

Or if you own a
monthly bus pass--

Unless it's a pass
to Ken Kesey's bus--

ALL: You're not a beatnik.

-Capiche?
-Done.

Feels good.
ALL: Beatniks!

-Well, that was great.
-Gee, Eddy.

Come on, sing one more.

-Beatniks.
-Ha.

-Yeah.
-Get the message.

Hey, look, uh, get intouch with Morrissey and--

Tell him to stop crying.

--that spot on his TV show.

Hmm.

-Sing you a moon tune.
-Uh.

Pick up on this, now.

Uh-oh.

Yeah.

[sings]

You need some time alone?

[SINGING] Make it happen.

[sings]

[chuckling]

You stink!

You smell like
chicken-fried punk.

[singing]

Yeah, I think I found somebody.

He grinds his hips
into the brick.

It's terrible.

Look, I'll tell you all
about it when I get in.

Bye.
[sloppy eating sounds]

Recipes.

Boy, this is good grub.

I would like to talk to you.

Oh, now, Pop.

You asked us to push her.

Besides, we just scratchedthe paint a little, man.

Oh, the car?
Oh, forget about that.

See, where did you
learn to sing like that?

-Sing Sing.
-Me?

No, not you.

I mean him.

You call that singing?

That was nothing.

I was belching.

Eddy learned himself to
sing, didn't you, Eddy?

Shut up, Iris.

What are you selling?

I'm not selling.
I'm buying.

You see, I'm an
artist representative.

I represent Jackson
Pollock, Jasper Johns--

Well, I'm an agent.

I handle singers andperformers for television.

Can I have 10%
of your sandwich?

You mean, Eddy
could sing the TV?

Well, if he'd like to,
it could be arranged.

But, uh, like a couple ofpeople to hear him first.

We ain't interested,
right, Eddy?

-Yeah, I-- I ain't no singer.-I think you are.

You heard him, Pop.

He ain't interested.
Now beat it.

Cool it, Moon.Hey ain't talking to you.

Look, mister.

He gets paid and
everything, don't he?

Why, of course.

-How much?
-Well, uh--

Oh, tonight I'll
pay $7.50 an hour.

How much?

Well, I'd say to
start about $100.

A hundred bucks?

For a big star.

Man, we make that
in one little haul.

Give me that.

Well, that's only the one--

It's peanuts, mister.

Well, maybe it's
peanuts to you,

but it's actually
one little show.

If you make-- you've got whatI think you have, you may get--

Scabies?

--who knows, $10,000,
$15,000 a week.

$15,000 a week?

Why not?

Gosh, I'm stupid.

Why not?

Say, anybody here
call for a mechanic?

All right, wait a minute,you said I'm great.

I'd like to sign you up.

Now here's my card, son.

If you get in towntomorrow, drop in and see me

and we'll see what we can do.

It's a credit card.

Buy yourself some furniture.

I don't know.

Well, just taking yourtime, son, and think it over.

But let me know by tomorrow.

Because I might die.

And, uh, thanks for the push.

Ooh.

I think he was being sarcastic.

-Hmm.
-Oh.

Gee, you're-- you'regonna see him, aren't you?

I don't know.

Eddy.

If you become a big,
fat star, you're

ain't going to forget yourbuddies always stuck by you,

now are you, Eddy?

Now, of course not.

Ooh. 'Course not.

Meanwhile, at the same timeat the Gotham City Bank--

Hi, I'm here for
my prostate exam,

and I brought some of
my friends with me.

I'm Eddy Crane.
I called before.

Oh, yes.Mr. Bayliss is expecting you.

I, uh-- I'll tell
him you're here.

The smelly hoodlums are here.

Eddy Crane is
here, Mr. Bayliss.

Good.
Send him in.

I'll slip out the back.

You can go in, Mr. Crane.

OK.

Hey, about us?

Well, there are
some people inside.

It-- it might be better ifyou waited out here for him.

How about that, Eddy?

Would it be better?

Ooh.

Hey, Uh-uh.

My friends go where I go.

Now where's the bathroom?

See?

What's your name?
Helen.

Who's your daddy?

Helen Tracey.

That's my name, too.

Hi, Helen.

Hi, Eddy.

Come on, honey.

[howling and barking]
-Down, boy.

Down, boy!

[panting]

[singing]

This is Mr. Morrissey
at the TV station.

And there's George [inaudible].

And George is going
to play for you.

This is the boy I told
you about, Eddy Crane.

Oh, how are you, Eddy?

OK.

Looks like this scene wasshot by an bank camera.

Red, Mooney.

I can sing, man.

Hey, Moon.

[SINGING] Baby, baby.

Oh, he's the
Satch of the group.

Are you the guy who'sgonna put Eddy on the TV?

Well, I don't know, miss.

Uh, we came down
to hear him sing.

If he's anything like--

Oh, come on, Pops.

Eddy can sing raves
around any of them.

He can sing better
than any of them.

-Shut up, Iris.
-Well, i just wanna--

You hear what I said?

Oh, and he's nice
to women, too.

Just sing.

Anything you like.

Josh here can play.

-Do you read music?
-Nope.

Hey, do you know "With a Look?"

Eddy can sing that.

Right, honey?

Yeah, I guess so.

What am I doing here?

I ain't no singer.
-Come on, honey.

Do it for me, huh?

Can I do it for her?

OK.

I'll do it for you.

Well, this is going out toone of you, whoever you are.

Play.

[piano]

I am Iron Man.

[SINGING] With a look,
you can make me laugh--

[laughing]
-[SINGING] --or cry.

[crying]

[SINGING] With a look, Ijust melt and don't know why.

He'll be gone in a minute.

[SINGING] All I know is Iglow with a warm sensation.

ALL: Fem--

[SINGING] For your
eyes hold a wonder--

Wow, he's singing to
me, for crying out loud.

He likes me!

[SINGING] --sensation.

Ooh.

[SINGING] With a look, Ifell victim to your charm.

[SINGING] When I
knock over a grocery

store and pistol-whip a clerk--

[SINGING] --we were
in each other's arms.

Geez, he's gonna singthe whole song, isn't he?

I mean it.
Oh my god-- oh.

[SINGING] Just a look,and what more could I do?

[SINGING] You
could stop singing.

Mm-hmm.

[SINGING] I fellhopelessly in love with you.

Gee, I-- I'm touched.

I didn't know you felt that way.

[SINGING] Oh, so
hopelessly in love--

[SINGING] With myself.

[SINGING] --with you.

[applause]
-Fantastic.

Really fantastic.

That was an adagio, wasn't it?

Gee, that was great, honey.

Well, Harry, you were right.

It's a comfortable chair.

I don't know how you'llhold up on the show, but--

I'll take a chance.

Good.

Well, the show's tomorrow night.

So we better get you
checked into a hotel.

Take care of that,
will you, Helen?

All right.

Wait a minute.

What about my friends?

Where are they gonna stay?

Well I didn't know you werecoming to town with them.

Yeah, what about that?

Either they stay
with me or I go.

Now just a minute, son.

Don't give me that son bit.

Either they stay or I go.

Pull my finger!

All right, Eddy.

Helen, put them all
up in the hotel and--

Kill them.

We gotta get Eddy a
new outfit for the show,

and anything else he may need.

Right.

And be sure he gets back
from rehearsal tonight.

-OK.
-I hate that guy.

Who hates that guy?
-I do.

I do too.

Uh oh.

Smells like a montage.

All right, you're
going into that AMP

and you're going to tell
the lady what you took.

No, no, not if you want
to be taken seriously.

Ha ha ha, what a moron.

All right, I like it.

I'll take 300 of these shirts.

I'm school shopping with Mom.

Boy, you know, I think I needsome drinks for school too,

Mom.-Come on, let's have lunch here.

The food is excellent.

She's a ventriloquist!

And she's fantastic.

[FRENCH ACCENT]
Would you like heavy

smoking or moderate smoking?

Oh great, here comes a big tip.

He'll have the club,
she'll have the cottage

cheese with a peach slice.

Oh, I'm hungry.

Shopping for men's clothes isa lot harder than I thought.

What's pesto?

-You like the ones we picked?-We?

You mean, you picked.

I wouldn't have
known what to get.

Thanks, Helen.

For making us laugh
about love again.

So what should we eat?

Wanna start with a cocktail?

-Yes, ma'am!
-I don't think so.

I feel like I'm loaded already.

You're pretty
excited, aren't you?

[crow sneezes]
-I guess so.

I'm in a show tomorrow, inthose clothes, in this place?

I never thought
I'd be doing this.

What, buying clothes?

I can't even believe
it's happening to me.

Well it is.

And it's you, all right.

And this is only the beginning.

Jeez, I'm stupid.

I forgot how stupid I was.

Yeah, but me?

I've never done
anything to deserve it.

Not a high school
diploma between them.

I was just going
along, taking what

I wanted, because I knew nobodywould ever give me anything.

I'm sensitive.

You get pushed around solong, you start pushing back,

harder and harder.

You get to like it.

Thanks for the
character development!

You feel like somebody.

What, Eddy?

What do you feel?

I feel like-- like--

An onion!

Ah, forget it.

No, please.

Tell me.

I feel I can't keep
my hands off you.

Police!
Police!

I don't mean nothing like that.

I mean like, when
I first saw you.

I felt I'd been awaysomewhere for a long time,

and I was coming home and
you were waiting for me.

I've never seen aninjection molded face before.

And your eyes were saying,Eddy, Eddy, where you been?

Like I'd known you forever.

I wanted to hold
you and tell you

I'm never gonna leave you again.

That's how I felt.

Well, are you two
ready to order?

Now have a good laugh.

[mst3k crew laughs]

-Eddy, I'm not laughing.
-I'm panicking.

You're not, are you?

Boy, I must flipping.

I've never talked
like that to anyone.

No kidding.
-Except my dog.

I never formed acomplete sentence before!

I forgot who I am.

You're my sad clown.

Whoa, stop it!

There's a big 5!

Whoa!

Oh.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,the talent showcase

continues as we
present a young man

who's making his firstappearance as a singer tonight.

We know you'll enjoy
the talents of--

-Arthur Miller!
- --Eddy Crane!

Well--

I said, let's hear
it for Eddy Crane!

Eddy Crane!

Eddy Crane, ladies
and gentlemen.

Oh, nuts.

[SINGING] Oh, a summer place.

[mst3k crew scream]

[SINGING] Anything--

Is better than this crap!

I desire, your slightest
wish is my command.

He's singing into
a refrigerator.

There's nothing I won't do.

I'm so in love with you.

Anything--

[CACKLING] Yes, yes!

--your little heart desires--

Oh, I desire you
to stop singing.

--just say the word
and I'll be on hand

to make your dreams come true.

[mst3k crew scream]

Mm.

Maple syrup is good.

Mm.

Yes, yes!

Oh, yeah!

Good boy, good boy.

[audience cheering]

Here's a singer
for our generation!

--just to prove to
you that you're the only

one I'm dreaming of.

My darling--

Good thing they're shootinghim from the waist up, huh?

Pants.

--desire, I just
can't do enough--

Wait a minute, that's theguy who robbed my store.

--to make your life come true.

He went to Jester B.

If you should want the moon--

You should seriouslyconsider a soul transplant.

--and the sunshine, and
the sun from up above--

Boy, beatnik music
is really square.

I'll tear them from theblue just to prove to you--

He kind of reminds me
of a singing weatherman.

Ha, yeah.

[SINGING] --you're the only oneI'm dreaming of, my darling--

[mst3k crew yell]

Oh, he looks
really bad the-- Oh.

Oh.

Inside Daisy Clover.

I just can't do
enough, my sweet--

This is one from
Ginsberg's ballad years.

--to make your life complete.

Fantastic.
That is fantastic.

Next up, Get Your Guy.

I say, Eddy, nice work.

Thanks very much.

What's the matter
with you, huh?

We're on the air!

[MAKES ELECTRICAL BUZZING NOISE]

[screaming in mock pain]

-Death of a Stage Manager.-Break it up.

What are you doing?

Say, what's the problem here?

I'm out of beer!

Nothing, Mr. Ray, it's justa little misunderstanding.

Eddy, Mr. Morrissey
would like to see

you in his office for a moment.

Can you come in, uh--

Nude?

--alone?

Yeah, sure.

You guys wait out here.

I'll be right back.

Come on.

That's the problem
with long necklaces.

Mm-hmm.

Well here he is, Ray.

You want a shot at him?

Congratulations, Eddy.

Larry Tate!

Thank you sir.

Now why don't you
kids go over there

and sit down, let a couple ofold men talk business, huh?

-So, how's the hernia?
-Oh, Criminey, it's--

Well Harry, as you know, Ijust have a local station here.

But I'd be willing
to talk contract

and build a show around yourboy if you're interested.

Want some bread?

I appreciate that,
Ray, but you know I

don't want to tie Eddy up here.

Now you understand.

Oh, I can't say I blame you.

Oh, I became a switchboard!

Oh, I'm back again.
-Yes?

Mr. Morrissey, we're
getting all kinds

of calls about Eddy Crane.

They think he's terrific.

Well that's wonderful.

Thank you, Grace.

Hear that, Eddy?

Looks like you're on your way.

[phone rings]

They're still calling.

Yes, Mr. President?

Yes.

Who?

Put him on.

It's Walter Letterman ofUniversal Records about Eddy.

[FALSETTO] This
is the President.

-Hello?
-Yes?

Yes, Mr. Letterman.

What are you wearing?

-Yes, he was sensational.-Yeah, yeah.

Go to the window.

My switchboard's been
lit-- what's that?

Go to the window.

No, he's not under
contract to me.

Forget the contract.

What are you wearing?

Oh I see.

Well, his agent is right here.

Oh, what's he wearing?

You better talk to him.

[WHISPERING] Talk to him, Harry.

Hello Mr. Letterman,
this is Harry Bayliss.

Yeah just like "It's aWonderful Life," Harry Bailey.

Yeah, very funny.
-[FALSETTO] Snookums.

Well that's a little
quick, isn't it?

Oh yeah, sure we could
rehearse the whole day.

[ELDERLY VOICE] But we won't.

I'm too old for that.

We'll be there.

Yeah, thank you very much.

Boy, he's a tough negotiator.

Mm-hmm.

Kid, I got you a
$100 lifetime deal.

-Come on kids, break it up.-Huh?

So what do you think, Eddy?

About what?

What's the matter Eddy,
weren't you listening?

Uh huh.

Eddy, looks like you're
an overnight sensation.

But it hasn't even
been overnight!

- --for immediate release.-No kidding?

Me?
-Yeah, Eddy.

You know what that means?

If you hit--

I'll need more socks?

A guest spot on every top show.

And then when you're readyfor it, the "Eddy Crane Show."

Then "Eddy's World."

So quick!

Well that's whathappens in this business.

Sometimes it's
fast or not at all.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

But don't kid yourselves.

You're not that good.

It's gonna mean an
awful lot of hard work.

I hope you're up to it.

Mr. Bayliss, all my life I'vebeen kicked around for nothing.

I ain't afraid ofworking to get someplace.

Thanks, son.

I know you won't
let anybody down.

No, sir.

Oh, my hinder!

How long we supposed tocool our heels out there man?

Mooney, did you hear the news?I'm going to make records.

No kidding?

Ain't I, Mr. Bayliss?

That's right.

Yahoo!

That's crazy.

Hey, this calls
for a celebration!

Come on, let's take
this town up tonight!

Now hold on here,
just a minute.

Now I know you're
all happy about this,

but Eddy's got to get some rest.

He's recording tomorrow
night, you know.

What you talking about?

My Eddy's a big star now.

He don't have to
worry about singing.

He could do it with his eyesclosed, can't you, honey?

Yeah, I

Feel fine.

I think Mr. Bayliss is right.

There will be of time
to celebrate later on.

You could catch
cold or something.

Angelica Huston!

What are you, his mother?

I didn't--

Iris, maybe they're right.

I gotta protect my voice.

Well pick up on that jive.

Or maybe we just ain't goodenough for you now, is that it?

[arguing]

Shut up, all of you!

I ain't walking out on nobody.

It's just--

It's just that I love pancakes.

I don't know.

Come on, let's go
back to the hotel.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Eddy?

Yeah?

-Good luck.
-Yeah, thanks.

Let's go, baby.

Helen?

Hayes?

Gurley Brown?
Keller?

Wheels?

That sofa is actually a
seat of a pickup truck.

Hm.

When in Hollywood, be sure notto stay at the Hollywood Inn.

Whoa, she's having an episode.

Keith Moon, no!

That's a huge transistor radio.

Send us up some ice!

Send up some more Queen soda!

And some chuckles!

Huh?

Yes, water.
And a glass of juice.

Don't you know nothing?

Booze, lots of booze.

Sid and Nancy.

What do you mean?

Sure we're old enough.

You wanna see my
driver's license?

Why, you-- ah.

What's the matter, man?

Ah, that old duck
downstairs cut us off.

Ah, kids.

Well I know where we can getall the lush we want, man.

Where?

It's about two hours'
drive from here.

Oh, Hudson, Wisconsin?

--liquor store?

We can't stick him up.

His two weeks ain't up yet.

Eddy man, why don't
you join the party?

What's the matter?

Afraid you might be
catching a cold, man?

Maybe you just want to bewith that sweet little nothing

you've been making
eyes with, huh?

Get off my back, Iris.
I'm thinking.

Dreaming is more like it.

You're dreaming how you'regoing to a big, fat star,

and how well you and Helenare going to hit it off.

Isn't that it, big shot?

Eh?

-Hey, I'm big boned, OK?
-Stop riding me.

Maybe you'd just like
us to walk out of here,

and you can forget
you ever knew us.

Isn't that it?

I told you to leave me alone.

Next time I'll punch you.

-I get your message.
-I'm sorry.

I guess I just blew my stack.

I'll get it.

The Geeknik.

-Domino's.
-Yeah?

I'm the hotel manager.

What's going on in here?

I've had complaints from
every room in the house.

What's the matter, egghead?

Can't we have a little fun?-Oh my goodness.

What have you done to the room?

This is terrible.

You will pay for this.

[MOCKING] Oh my goodness.

You'll pay for this!

Is that how I sound?

Really?
-You.

Why, you young hoodlums.

I'll call the police.

No magic fingers
for you, young man.

One word to anyone and
I'm going to moon you.

You're going to what?

Moon you!

You know, hang my butt out.

You can rely on me.

I won't tell a soul.

But who's going to pay
for the damage here?

Just put it on
the bill, mister.

I'll see it's taken care of.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Now you get on out of herebefore we change our mind.

You can trust in my discretion.I--

Get!

Sure.

He's the shakiest hotel
manager in the west.

[mocking laughter]

[MOCKING] You can
trust my discretion.

Ah, the next John Byner.

Let's go.

He's so chicken he
could grow feathers.

[crow and tom servo singing]

Oh, I'm so glad
Joel isn't here.

He'd just be ruining
everything right now.

Hey, are there any
more corn kernels?

Crow?

Crow?

Crow T Travis.

No, no.

Mrs. Tony T Travis.

Eh, nah, nah, too Italian.

Mr. and Mrs. Tony and
Crow Robot Travi-- no.

That's too long.

I wonder what Tony'sthinking about right now?

Oh, I don't know.

He's probably driving aroundreal fast in a super cool car

and stuff like that.

Couldn't you just scream?

[screaming]

-Oh, Tom you are so childish.-Oh.

When you become a woman,you'll understand these things.

The Tony I know is
a very serious man,

compassionate and
thoughtful to a fault.

Goes to church every Sunday.

I wonder what denomination?

Oh, please Crow.

Where did you read that?

I just happen to have the lateston Tony in this month's "Tiger

Bot." "Tony, Fun-loving Loner."

And it says, "Tony liveswith his parents in Burbank,

and loves to swap jokes with
Jay Osmond, the comedian

of the Osmond family.

Sometimes you can find himriding around the five acres

behind his house
on his mini-bike,

or making funny faces in themirror to crack himself up."

Ah.

I read in "Dynamite"
that he likes golf.

-Oh.
-Turn around, Gypsy.

Servo, you don't know
nothing about him.

Tony-- and I know
this for a fact,

girlfriend-- is producingand starring and writing

and singing the theme
song for a movie

about his whole life story.

And on weekends he'straining to be a Navy Seal.

Oh, wow.

So guys, I got all
the rest of your stuff.

I think you're all settledin for the evening now.

-[IN UNISON] Yes, Joel.
-You know what?

You guys are really into thisTony Travis guy, you know?

When I was your age, that'swhen the teen idols had faces,

you know.

There was David Soul,
and the Brady girls,

and Jeremy Gelbwaks,
Tony DeFranco

and the DeFranco family.

Don't forget Donny Most.

Spare us!

You know, Tony Travis--
now, wait a minute.

Now that I think
about it, I think

we went to the same
high school together.

What?

In fact, I think
I've got his number

right there on speed dial.-No!

It's marked Tony T.
You should call him.

He's a real nice guy.

Call him, call him.

Oh, I can't do it.
I can't do it.

-I gotta go to the bathroom!-Hold it Gypsy.

Should we?
Dare we?

Oh, yes.
Oh yes.

I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.

Tony T.

Oh my God.
I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.

I can't do this.

I need a shower.

Oh, oh, it's ringing.

It's ringing.

TONY: [ON THE PHONE] Hello?

Oh, Tony!

This is Tony Travis.

Sorry I'm not in right now.

I got called in to cover forRoy over at the Taco Hell.

What?

If everything goes right,the sour cream [inaudible]

should be home around 9:00.-Oh no.

If you'd like to
leave a message for me,

Gary, Rick, Jeff, Raoul,
Terry, Prairie Dog,

or any of the kids--

Kids?

--leave it at the
sound of the tone.

If you're a bill collectoror with the military--

[beep]

Oh, sad.

Can you believe it?

It is better to haveloved and lost than never

to have loved at all.

Tony.

You know, I like that Moon guy.

Yeah.

Moon!

Yeah, Moon!

Movies time!

Moon!

Moon!

[mechanical whirring]

Hey, it's Charlie's Cafe Beer.

Oh!

Hey, that's a handicap spot.

Hey, it says dining and dancing.

You wanna go in here?

Let's go somewhere.

I don't want to drive
around all night.

Especially because it's
2:00 in the afternoon.

This is probably
the best place in LA.

-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, come on.

They serve drinks.

Yeah.

Hey, stop the--

Beatniks, rowdy
party of six, please.

Va va voom.

Hey, scooch over.

Hey!

Bad touch.

Call this meeting to order.

Hey, hey, take it easy.

Don't you see there's
people eating here?

Oh, I'm awfully sorry Charlie.

We didn't know you were
running a graveyard.

Yeah, it says dine and dancing.

So where do we dance, Charlie?

Right here, and
I ain't Charlie.

I'm Gus.
-Well where's Charlie?

We want Charlie.
We want Charlie.

Whoa, bad touch.

We want Charlie!

Well I never.

Oh.

You gonna throw
us out, Charlie?

All by yourself?

Ooh.

All right, all right.

What will you have?

How about a menu?

I'm hungry.

And how would you
like that done?

The kitchen's closed.

Well get with it, man.

Open it.

You heard the lady, Charlie.

Open it.

Maybe I can fix
some ham sandwiches.

OK?

Yeah, all the way around.

Good night, folks.

-Yeah, we'll be back real soon.-What to drink?

Coffee?

How about some booze?

Sorry, no liquor.

No liquor, and no food.

What are you staying
open for, Charlie?

Name's Gus, and no
liquor after 2:00.

It ain't 2:00 yet, Charlie.

Go get the sandwiches.

We're hungry.

Can't believe they'remanhandling for a sandwich.

Ah, they're probably
hypoglycemic.

-Hm.
-Sure, honey.

Hey, my first hit
record's out already.

Play me for me.

[music playing]

Felix Riff's Eagle Snacks.

Well-stocked bar.

They got four bottles.

Kookie.

Eddy Crane, unplugged.

He hit big Jake.

Hey, I was watching
"She's the Sheriff."

You want to watch TV, go home.

This ain't no living room.

Why you--

Great, big, wonderful man.

Wait, I know.

You're a Libra, right?

Penny for your thoughts.

-He's wearing a sports bra.-Hey.

Pasta fondue!

Well, he seemed nice.

[music playing]

Open bar.

Literally.

-Hoo!
-Here.

Worcestershire.

Heinz 57 for me.

Hey, hey.

Where did you get that?

My aunt's house.

Charlie, you a
cop or a bartender?

You're a pretty smart
punk, aren't you?

You took it off of my bar.

I don't see your
name on it, Charlie.

Yeah, my name is Jack
Daniels, all right?

You punk, if you
don't put that bottle

back where you got it fromI'm gonna give it to you too!

And a lot of gratuity.

Oh, I'm scared.

I'm surrounded.

OK, that's it.

Go on, get out of here.

All of you, blow!

Put your lips
together and blow!

Blow, you hear me?

OK, you asked for it.

Oh, you asked for it.

I'm overcooking your fries.

Is that today's liturgy
on the board over there?

Now just sit there.

You too.

I warned you.

Hello, get me the
sheriff's office.

Now you punks will get it.

Hey.

Oh, Charlie.

Today's temperature,
85 degrees.

Don't do that, Charlie.

He's an evil Gilligan!

He's going out of his
way to be lonesome.

Mm-hmm.

Come on, will you?

Charlie, come on.

We were-- We were justhaving a little fun, Charlie.

It's a good audition
piece for him.

Let me talk to
Sergeant McGillis--

Oh come on, Charlie,will you give us a break?

I'll put the phone back andwe'll pay for what we drank.

Well, you put it back
and then we'll see.

Hello, Mike?

Yeah, Gus.

[SHRIEKING] Please!

Please.

Jeez.

Uh, never mind, Mike.

Listen, I-- I'll call you back.

Peter Brack, ladies
and gentlemen.

[cheering]

Peter Brack.

What an eccentric performance.

-We'll never be sorry.
-Ooh.

That was our best wine.

Very good year.

Iris, get the door
and keep a lookout.

Right.

Oh, we're going to
make our own sandwiches!

What did you have
to hit him for?

What did you want me to do?

Kiss him, Big Eddy?

Why you--

The second person
who's called me "you"!

-Let's get him out of sight now.-Is he dead?

Nah, just bent a little.

Come on.

[tires screech]

Someone's coming!

I think it's love.

Quick, you work the fryer.

You host us.

Hand out those menus!

I think we're here, Michael.

All right, cover us.
Iris, come with me.

And play it cool.

Come on, baby.
-Honey.

-Hey you!
-I'm not you!

Get in the car, Iris.

Ahem.May I take your order, sir?

What do you want?

What's going on inside?

-Must marry ketchup bottles!-What do you mean?

You know what I mean, fella.

Any action?
Any women?

Chicks?

Broads?
-Ah, no man.

The joint's dead.
There's nobody there.

They're closing up.

Hey, you scored, huh?

Yeah.
I got two assists.

Yeah, I scored.

OK, boy.

Take it easy now.

Hot dog.

At least somebody scored.

I can go home to bed now.

Oh!

My ankle!

Shoulder!

This thing-- thing.

Order up.

Eddy, I'm-- I'm hit!

I'm hit!

My right side!

My right!
-[inaudible].

I don't care who hit who first.

Come on.

Suddenly it's "The
Last Picture Show."

So I guess happy
hour's over, huh?

Uh, are you hiring?

[humming along with music]

It's a newborn gun.

-"Implication Playhouse."-Come on, Moon.

Let's go.

What's going on?

-Just cleaning up.
-Come on.

Oh, that's considerate.

Oh.
-Come on, Mooney.

Get in the car.
We ain't got forever.

I call the back.

Please, Eddy, get
some help for me.

I don't wanna die.

You crybaby punk.

You afraid to die, man?

Shut up!

Wipe-out!

You went back and killedthat barkeep for no reason,

didn't you?

You went back and
killed him, didn't you?

-Yeah.
-Why?

Why did you have to do it?

Why?

Well, I done it for you, Eddy.

For me?

And I didn't kill you anybody.

Why for me?

I didn't care
nothing about myself.

When I went back into thatbar, that fat barkeep Charlie,

he says---What are you talking about?

He said he was gonnaremember what we all look

like and spill to the cops!
-You're lying.

No I'm not.

You're exaggerating.

I just got to thinking, Eddy.

About you going on television.

And how he might see you.

And how he might recognize you,Eddy, and send you in for life.

Might even burn you, man.

Burn me?

Nobody's gonna burn me.

I ain't never killed nobody.

Sure, I wanted to.

You're in it just
as much as I am.

We're all in it together.

You know that, don't you, Eddy?

Don't you?

You're different.

Yeah.
Take it easy, Red.

Sort of agender-bending "Camille."

He looks like a big
ventriloquist dummy.

Does that hurt bad?

It throbs a little.

Like my heart when I lookinto the pitiless void

and howl, man, howl!

I'm sorry.

How does it look?

Uh, have you ever
had SpaghettiOs?

Ooh.

Iris, get me that bottle.

I'll go boil some towels.

-This might sting, Red.
-Stingray.

Oh, the famous Red
Buttons death scene.

Just in case you want to yell.

[yells]

Ooh.

Give him a beer back.

-He's out.
-Maybe that's good.

What do you think, Eddy?

Will he be all right?

Well, I'm just a nurse's aide.

I don't know.

But you can thank
gun-happy over here.

We're in real trouble now.

[IN UNISON] Thank
you, gun-happy!

There were no witnesses.

I took care of that.

Did you?

What about the guy that
was sitting at the bar?

He got a real good
look at all of us.

-So what?-You always ruining my fun.

Man, he can't prove
nothing he didn't see.

Oh, I see.
What about Red here?

How you gonna explain
the hole in him?

Say a vampire bit him?

Well, that won't
hold up in court.

Helen was right.

How did I ever get mixed upwith a crazy bunch like you?

We answered your ad.

I must be nuts, myself.

What?

How did you get
mixed up with us?

You hear that, Mooney?

How did you-- Just who doyou think you are, big shot?

Yeah?

He's wearing his
truss on the outside.

Oh, he's got his holster on.

He knows he's going
to the Big Valley.

Well it don't
wash off, big Eddy.

You're one of us.

You've always been one of us.

And you are going
to stay one of us.

Are you hip?

Nice to have job security.

Eddy, Eddy, she's givingyou a lot of crazy ideas.

She's getting you all mixed up.

She'll never do for
you like I will!

[IN UNISON] Eww!

Eddy, where you going?

Out.

I got a lot of thinking to do.

Hey, he's following a
makeover in "Glamor."

[FALSETTO] Apply cream to--

Montage.

Oh, the montage.

Montage.

There are a million stupidstories in the naked city.

And this is the stupidest one.

[SINGING] Everybody's
talking at me.

[humming along with the music]

[SINGING] Staying
alive, staying alive,

ah, ah, ah, ah, staying--

[muffled phone voice]
-Oh, sorry ma'am.

[MUTTERING] Let's
see, what was it?

Oh, yeah.

[SINGING] 8675-309.

Hudson 32700.

General Boushelle.

Hey, now we can't hear.

[phone rings]
-Wait a minute.

She's sleeping in a drawer.

[LOW VOICE] Joe's Pool Hall.[FALSETTO] Joe's Pool Hall.

Hello?

Helen?

Hi, this is Eddy Crane.

Eddy?

You know, I sit
behind you in Phy Ed?

I just wanted to talk to you.

I'm glad you
called, but it's so--

I don't know why I called you.

Well I'm glad you did.

Eddy, is something wrong?

What is it?

Eh, I got kind of a tummy ache.

I ain't worried about mycareer or shows or nothing.

Because I ain't
gonna do no shows.

-What are you saying?-I want out is what I'm saying.

-I ain't gonna do no shows.
-I ain't your boy.

You made a mistake.

I can't sing or nothing.

Why, you have a
wonderful talent.

Please don't throw it away now.

I threw it away
a long time ago.

Eddy, please if
I've done anything

to change you-- is that it?

Can't you get it
through your head?

It has nothing to do with you.It's me.

Me!I'm no good, I'm just no good.

Stop trying to co-depend
all over me, Eddy.

I gotta get away
from you, from me.

What's wrong?

Tell Mr. Bayliss, thanks
for believing in me.

Now I gotta hang up.

Eddy are you there?

Eddy answer me.

Yeah, I'm here.

[FALSETTO] Sorry, my
ears stopped working.

That's better.

You asked me this afternoonif I felt what you did.

I love you, Eddy.

Oh, it's all so quick.

But I do, I love you.

Oh, we bought a shirt together.Big deal.

Things are crazy and mixed up.

I feel I'm still asleep.

But I know what I'm saying.

I love you.

You can't just go away
and disappear like that

with a telephone call.

I've got no choice.

I've got to get away.

But why now?

Why right this minute,
when your whole life

is opening up for you, a oncein a lifetime chance of success?

Why, people would give
anything for a chance

like you're getting?

What's in it for you?

-A 10% commission.
-Yeah.

You're making a big pitch.

What's in it for your end?

A lot of quick cash, maybe,if Eddy hits the big time?

Is that it?

You think I told you I
love you because I want

to keep you here for
business reasons,

to make money off of you?

What is this, 1-900-TALK-FAST?

For your information,
there have

been hundreds of newtalents I've been around.

Do you think I told themall I love them just to keep

them signed to a contract?

[inaudible].

I never told anyoneanything like that before.

Does she have coffeefilters on her headboard?

I never loved anyone
until I met you.

Now I'm sorry I told you.

Helen, you don't understand.

I understand.

It's all over before
it got started.

Thanks for telling me now beforeI made a real fool of myself.

Helen wait, please.

Goodbye.

-Soup pie?
-Helen!

Yeah.

I'm coming over.

I'll go over there.

Tell her a thing or two.

Wait a minute,
where does she live?

[SINGING] I've been walkingthese streets so long.

[SINGING] I was
walking in Memphis.

"Kolchak, The Night Stalker."

8:45.

I was outside Frank
Gannon's house.

He didn't know I was
there, looking in.

She lives in a library?

I'd like to check
out a girl, please.

Does Jess Rossi live here?

-[WHISPERING] Hey, Eddy!
-How'd you find me?

[mst3k crew yell in surprise]

You just took a number
out of a phone book.

Figured you'd show up here,all set to spill your guts

out to Momma upstairs
all about how

the big bad boys
made you do things

and how you didn't want
to do those things.

Oh, Scientology.

Is that what you
were gonna do, Eddy?

Number three, step
forward and turn left.

You're flipped.

Why don't you
lay off him, Moon?

Eddy wouldn't do
that, would you, Eddy?

-Hey, he got a line!
-Wow, cool!

Of course not.What you think I am, Eddy?

A crappy actor?

You got him wrong.

Eddy wouldn't run out now,especially with Red so bad off.

How is he?

He's not good, Eddy.

He's real hot and moaningand talking funny.

What are we going
to do with him?

Oh, he's in love.

Oh.

What are you asking me for?

Because you're theleader of the gang, Eddy.

[SINGING] The
leader of the gang!

[mimicking engines revving]

Yeah.

Yeah.

Come on, let's go.

And would you
straighten your spine?

Please.

Eddy, what are we
going to do with him?

I don't know.

We can't leave him like that.

He may croak.

[making croaking noises]
-We have no problems.

Shut up, Moon.

We gotta try to get himto a hospital right away.

General Hospital!

Sure, we'll walk over tothe hospital, up to the desk,

and say, we'd like to make adeposit in the gunshot wound

department.Oh, that's real smart, Iris.

Can't we just drive himover and leave him there?

And have them ask
him how he got shot?

He'd drag us all into it.

Red wouldn't talk,
would he Eddy?

Huh?

Moon's got a point.

We can't go out with
him in daylight.

He has sensitive skin.

OK, we'll wait till tonight.

Then we'll get out ofhere and take him to a doc

in a small town somewhere.

How about a dock on the bay?

Da-doom!

I only hope he
holds out till then.

Hey, he's wearing a
stethoscope over there.

Eddy, you really
quits with them?

I mean, Helen and Bayliss?

Yeah, I'm quits.

I'm glad, honey.

You know, she wasn't
for you anyway.

She ain't our kind.

She's smart and pretty.

No.

She ain't.

She's a mammal.

Kind of sorry you ain't goingto be a big singer, though.

I was kind of looking forwardto getting all dolled up and--

[IN UNISON] Eww!

--and have everybody
looking at us.

The morning papers
ought to be out.

So what?

So they ought to be
full about that fat slob

I knocked over last night.-Mrs. Calabash.

You're so sick!

I'll bet you wish they knowyou did it so you could

get your picture in the paper.-Yeah.

Ah!
How did he do that?

My name and my
picture in the paper.

Everybody look at me and say--

Little Albert!

--that's Bob
Mooney, the big shot.

I'd be a celebrity.

Why do I bother to talk to you?

You know something, you're nuts.

Oh, I'm just whimsical.

Why do you want to
be a singer, Eddy?

Why?

Would you just
eat your candy bar?

Because everybody can
look at you and say,

that's Eddy Crane,
the big celebrity.

I'm the same way, Eddy.

Except I don't know how to sing.

Bitter?

Oh, a tad.

Does that makes sense, man?

Yeah.

To you.

-Fantasy gram.
-Put that thing away!

Why, man?

We might have to blast
our way out of here.

Nobody knows anythingabout it, so put it away!

Iris, go answer the door
and find out who it is.

[FALSETTO] We're
shooting the dishes!

What's going on in there?

See, I told you
it was the cops.

Let's blast them and--
-Shut up!

It's only the house dick.

Let me handle it.

Oh, how accommodating.

Uh, we're not
jumping on the beds.

Yeah, what do you want?

-I have the manager with me.-[WHISPERING FRANTICALLY] What?

No!
No, no!

Put it-- No, you-- don't.

Jeez.

Open up!

[WHISPERING] What should we do?

Talk to him.

OK.

Mystery guest, enter
and sign in please.

Well, you see?

You see what they have done?

What's this about the bill?

We ain't checked out yet?

Besides, Mr. Bayliss
is taking care of.

That's just it.

Mr. Bayliss called and
said that he won't be

responsible after this morning.

[GANGSTER ACCENT]
That's it, see?

Well, we decided to
stay until tonight.

We'll pay you for the extra day.

We don't want you.

That's right, you're
undesirable tenants.

You have to get out.

Besides, there's the
matter of the damage

you've done to the room.
-Well.

You're going to
pay for that, too.

Pretty smooth, huh?

Listen, why don't youlet us stay till tonight?

I promise we'll pay for
everything we broke.

What did you do, bringprotection with you this time,

chickie?

Don't get wise, son.

What's the matter with him?

A bad cold.

Hey, fatso, you a real cop oryou just a chicken inspector?

You don't like cops, do you?

Don't-- stop doing that!

No I don't.

Not real cops, or play
cops like you, man.

Moon, shut up.

Go and take a walk get them coldpills for Red like I asked you.

Go on.

You hear me?

Ah!
Again!

Oh, they gotta hire
a continuity director.

That boy's going to
get in trouble someday.

Yes, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Williams and Ree.

Can we stay if Mr.Bayliss tells you it's OK.

Why, if Mr. Bailey
says it's all right,

then that's good enough for us.

All right, let me
make a phone call.

Gee, if Mr. Bayliss says I cankick you in the groin, can I?

Operator?Get me Majestic 2202, please.

I'm sorry about that mess.

We had a little-- Hello?
Hello?

-Oh.
-Helen?

Hello.
Hello.

-This is Eddy.
-Hello.

Oh.

Is Mr. Bayliss there?

Can I talk to him please?-Hello?

Hello, Mr. Bayliss?
This is Eddy.

-Oh.
-Sorry about the--

Well I think
you're throwing away

the chance of a lifetime, Eddy.

I had some big plans for you.-Hello?

I know, Mr.
Bayliss, that's what

I wanted to talk to you about.

Is it too late to
change my mind?

Oh, you mean you'll gothrough with that recording day

tonight?

Yes sir, I realized like yousaid, this is my big chance.

And I'd like
another crack at it.

All right now, I
haven't had a chance

to call and cancel the
date yet, so everything

will be all right.

What's the matter, son?
Did you get scared?

Yes, sir.
I got scared.

That's it.
-I wet them, sir.

Thank you, Mr. Bayliss.

The hotel manager's here.

Will you tell him it's
OK for us to stay?

Why, sure.

Oh, but listen, Eddy.

You get over to
Universal Recorders--

they're at Highland, Hollywood.

Now get there as
soon as possible

So you can start rehearsingthe recording day tonight.

-Recording day, yep.-I'll meet you right there.

Yes, I'll be there
in about an hour.

Good.
-Now put the manager on.

It's my dad.
Says we can stay.

Yes, Mr. Bayliss?

Please charge everything to me.

And oh yeah, give them
anything they want.

Oh, yes.
I understand.

Mm-hmm.
In the groin, right.

Thank you very much.
Good bye.

Well, I guess
everything is all right.

Eh heh hoo!

Would you please try to keepyour friends under control?

I will.

Thank you, sir.

Well I guess killing is OK whenit's sanctioned by an agent.

Yeah.
Huh.

Looks like you're gonna bea big star after all, huh?

Oh yeah, I decided
to be a star.

I got to get dressed.

I'm going over to
Universal Recorders.

You want me go with you?

Heck no!

I mean-- oh.
-Ouch.

I'll answer that myself.
No.

That it?

That's it.

Why don't you stay
here and straighten up?

Sad.

When in Hollywood, visit
Universal Recorders.

Hi.

You all right?

Yeah.

This your first record?

This is my first anything.

I'd never even sung beforethe TV show last night.

Professional, I mean.
-No kidding?

Well, you'll be all right.

You're moving mighty fast.

This is the hottest
label in town.

If your record clicks,you'll be on top in no time.

I sure hope so.

-Do you read music?
-Afraid not.

No, well that's all right.

None of the new artistes do.

That's why we have this fulldress rehearsal for you,

so you can get used to it.

Want to run through
it a couple times?

-It would help.
-All right.

If you'll um--
-Put the dress on.

Go ahead and use that mic,why, we'll get going here.

Oh, OK, boys.

Let's do the song so Eddycan get the feel of it.

I was like you last week.

I was the big star.

Now I do this.

Charles Whitman!

[music playing]

-Hi, Eddy.
-Cut, cut, cut.

Get her out of there!

[sighs]

Let me explain about--

-Shh, not now.
-Shnot now?

It's all right, you're here.

Would you like some coffee?

-Yeah.
-Cream?

Black.

Where's Mr. Bayliss?
-He's over there.

I'll get your coffee.

Hurry back.

Uh, if you two
are done in there,

we'd like to cut a record.

Eddy, you can take it
easy for a few minutes.

We've got to check
some levels here.

It's, uh, snowing
backstage, Eddy.

Glad you're back, Eddy.

-Thanks, Mr. Bayliss.
-That was terrific.

I sure appreciate--

Ah, forget all about that.

I hope you're not going tochange your mind again, though.

Are you?
-No.

Eddy, I want to talk to you.

Have you seen this rash, Eddy?

Now, Helen seemed to think thatyou're in some sort of trouble.

Are you pregnant, Eddy?

Now, what is it, son?

Why don't you tell me?

I can't.

I can't understand what
you do with a wild bunch

of punks like that.

And that's all
they are, you know.

I know it.

Well then, why don'tyou break away from them?

Tell them to leave you alone?

I can't, don't you
understand I can't?

You mean you don't want to?

Of course I want to.
But I can't.

They won't let me.

You know, I've known youfor well over an hour, Eddy

and I think you're wonderful.

That is, I-- ah,
forget about it.

They really have a hold
on you, haven't they?

[SINGING] They really
have a hold on you.

Here's your coffee.

-Oh, thanks.
-Ow, ow!

It's scalding my hand, hurry!

Ah, ah!

Here's to us.

To us staying in
the spare room.

I forgot to mention it.

It's OK, Eddy.
-Doh!

-Just drink---That's bouillon with cream!

Eww!

Are you ready to try one?

Yeah, I guess so.

Excuse me, I gotta go singmy number one hit single.

We'll hear this in the booth.

I'll hear this
in my nightmares.

I'll wait till it
comes out in stores.

Ooh!

[music playing]

What's a mathematician
doing conducting?

It's beatnik music.

[SINGING] The feet withthe thing and the deal, ah!

[SINGING] You better becareful, or you may be next.

It strikes--

[IN UNISON] Bang!

--when you never expect it to.

Yes, love is a thief thatwill steal the heart of you.

And we're sorry we
popped that fat barkeep!

Love wears a mask--

A tight leather mask.

Beware of that innocent
look in its eyes.

It hits.

Bang!

And there's nothing
that you can do.

[SINGING] When you're backedup by George Benson, wow!

Love is a thief thatyou've got to surrender to.

[sighs wistfully]

He's really somethingspecial, isn't he, Harry?

Yeah.

I hope I didn't bite off
more than I can chew.

[FALSETTO] You bit him, too?

What do you mean?

You know, you were right.

That kid's in a heap of trouble.

What kind?

I don't know, but it's gotsomething to do with that gang

he runs around with.

He's pals with that
Meyer Lanskey character.

-Harry, we've got to help him.-How?

I don't know.

Talk to them, explain
to them, something.

Find out what it is, Harry.

They could dress likebeatniks and go undercover.

-Hm.
-I don't know.

Please?

For me?
-Are they gonna kiss?

If they're gonna kiss,
I'll throw up on Tom.

Hey!

Yuck.

Mushy stuff.

She looks like Donald
Sutherland in drag.

Crazy.

[mechanical whirring]

[SINGING] Da da
dum, leather coat.

Dum da dum dum dum.

Duck-tail hair.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, kid.

Sing that again.

What, you mean--
[SINGING] Leather coat.

Dum ba dom da dom--

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

The other part.-Oh, [SINGING] duck-tail hair.

That's it, kid!

I'm going to make you a star!-Really?

Wow!
-Yep!

[nonsense noises]

Huh.

Gee, I don't know about
this Colonel Robinson.

I'm just a simple bass ackwardscountry boy who loves his mama.

Well, what's so greatabout being a star anywho?

Say, my own
plasty-faced butt lady!

Come here, baby.

I'll show you the
meaning of love.

[nonsense noises]

Five, six, seven, eight, nine.

[SINGING] A leathercoat, dum ba dom dum dum,

oh, duck-tail hair,
dum ba dom dom.

I think that's a cut, Jimmy.Let's go ahead.

[nonsense noises]

Thank you.

Now for the newest singingsensation, Tom Servo!

[ELVIS ACCENT] Thank
you very much. [SINGING]

Leather coat, dom ba domdom-- wait, I'm not finished!

[nonsense noises]

OK.

What's my motivation?
What's my line?

Oh, Daddio, take 25.

Want some?

Um, uh.

Oh, cut, cut.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

This Servo guy is useless.

This is the last time
we hire a leading

man with inoperable arms.

Stop, Servo!
You're fired.

Get me that Cantino kid.

But-- but-- but--
I don't have a--

[nonsense noises]

Ready?

OK.

[DRUNKEN SINGING Leather
bar, slingshot briefs.

[STOPS SINGING] Say, I know you.

Don't-- remember me?

Why are you leaving
me hanging like this?

I'm Tom Servo!

I'm Tom Servo!

[FALSETTO] I never knew him.

[sobbing]

Oh.

Oh.

Tom Servo.

Everything he
touched, he destroyed.

[hiccups]

We'll be right back.

-About Eddy.
-You're OK.

You went through a lot today.

I think our story is
better than theirs.

Sure.

We're standing in
his way, is that it?

Well I don't know,
but I know he's

involved with you in somesort of trouble, isn't he?

He snagged on me.

He didn't tell me anything.

But look, I know you're
in some sort of a jam.

I want you to tell me.

Maybe I could help.

Why should you help us?

Well, if everythinggoes all right with Eddy,

we'll be together a long time.
-OK, yeah.

I'd just like to
know all about--

-I can see that.
- --him and you--

Then why don't you ask Eddy?

Well, he won't
tell me anything.

That's our boy Eddy.

He wouldn't squeal on us.

Tonight on "Crossfire."

What did he tell you?

Nothing, I said.

Nothing, I said.

You're lying through yourbig fat teeth, mister.

Now, take it easy.

You think you can get your boyoff the hook by turning us in,

isn't that it?-Shut up, he don't know nothing!

-That's it, isn't it?
-Hey, keep it down!

Some of us have to rob
a store in the morning.

You've probably got this
place lousy with cops.

I was right!

[sarcastic music sounds]

Down there.

Filthy with fuzz!

We gotta get outta here.

Quick!

Uh oh.

-Come on.
-I'm a pixie!

You ain't going
no place, mister.

You invited yourself up here,and you are going to stay.

Honestly, sir, I don't knowwhat you're talking about.

Let him go, Mooney.

He ain't gonna talk.

No, he ain't gonna talk.

He ain't gonna get
a chance to talk.

Get back.

Back!
-Mooney, stop it!

You're going to get
us all burned, Mooney!

What difference, you killone, two, or a hundred?

-Uh, 98.
-Eddy, too.

I've always wanted to get Eddy.

[SINGING] Johnny Long Crotch.

[WHISTLES]

You're the guys who willmake Eddy a big celebrity,

ain't you?

Like me, a big celebrity.

You read the morning papersthis morning, Daddy, huh?

Just "Kathy."

I'm in the morning papers!

Me!

Come on, read the
super quiz, man!

And they don't know I done it.

But now I'm gonna tell them.

Wow, I didn't
recognize your work.

You-- you don't know
what you're doing.

I killed that fat barkeep!

Boy, isn't that interesting?

He took 10% out of the agent.

Ooh!

You're crazy, Mooney!
You're crazy!

What a nasty slice.

[FALSETTO] What aboutour continental breakfast?

Hey, what's going on in there?

[knocking]

Oh, we're in for it!

Open up!This is the house detective.

Can you hear me?
-What do we do?

I'll take care of him.

Come and get it, fuzz!

Oh, that's crazy!

Technically, would this nowbe considered a killing spree?

Mm-hmm.

No!
No!

No!
-Stop the overacting!

Open up!

[FALSETTO] Take that,
and this and that!

Let's get out of here.

Come on.

I ain't going with you.

Come on, let's get out of here.

I ain't going, Mooney!

No!

They shoot horse
faces, don't they?

I hope so.

[SHRIEKING] You lousy fuzz!

Come and get it!

He's going through
puberty all of a sudden.

This is the scene that got himthe part in "The Big Valley."

Right here.

Oh.

[humming along with the music]

East side, west side.

Stop him, he's got a drum set!

Oh, he's falling
into a board meeting.

Medics.

Oh, he hit Allan Sherman.

You better stay here, sister.

You're not going anywhere.

Not looking like that.

[humming along with the music]

[SINGING] Meet George Jetson!Ha!

Ha ha ha, that was a bad edit.

Hey, the medium is
the message, jerk.

The printed word is dead.

OK, that's it fellas.

Till tonight.

It ain't working.

I'm sorry.

Good going, Eddy.

It went very nice.
-Thanks.

You won't forget about
7 o'clock tonight?

-I'll be here.
-OK, we'll see you then.

My house.
Bring a casserole.

Note to me, fire Eddy.

Well, how do you feel?

I'll make it.

Come here.

Uh, that's far enough.

I want to talk to you aboutthat phone call last night.

I didn't mean it.

I know you didn't.

Neither did I. About
good bye, I mean.

Well, I didn't mean it first.

--about how I feel.

I know.

I wish I could tell you
about myself, but I--

What are you afraid of?

Escalators.

That you won't love me.

Honestly darling, I love youand nothing will change it.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

[phone rings]

Hello there!

When's Mr. Bayliss getting back?

He'll be here for the
session, won't he?

Of course.

Helen Tracy, telephone.

You can take it out there.

Helen Tracy Telephone,brought to you by Ken-L Ration.

Hello?[tom making choking sounds]

Yes, this is she.

Dying.

Hospital?

What happened?

Oh no.

He just signed the
Hudson brothers.

Yes, of course.
I'll be right over.

Oh, poor Harry!
-What about Harry?

What happened?

He's badly hurt.

Hurt how?

Accident?

No.

I sent him over to
your hotel to talk to--

To talk to who?

Mooney and the others?

There was a fight or something.

Mooney stabbed him.

-Who?
-Oh no.

That crazy--

-Mixed up, wonderful hoodlum!-Eddy, please!

I'll get him for this.

I've got to get
to the hospital.

I'm going with you.

There are some things I gottatell you on the way there.

Things you ought to know.

See, I have a hiatus hernia.

Thought you might want to know.

I got a really bad hip point.

Twisted, rotated cuff.

Oh, right, a taxi in LA.

This has gotta be a movie.

Oh, spare us not one momentof their trip to the hospital.

Oh, I wanna see my old
manager, but first I

gotta get a rack of ribs.

You kids go ahead.
Cab ride is on me.

[CANADIAN ACCENT]
OK Myrtle, let's go

back and change the bed pans.

[CANADIAN ACCENT] Oh, youknow, that heart attack

patient is buzzing again.

[NO ACCENT] Danny Aiello.

Oh.

I'm going to bury you.

Oh, help me.

[WHISPERING] Hey, let'sput his hand in warm water.

Hi.

Oh, Harry.

I'm so sorry.

Shot in the face, huh?

I'm all right, Helen.

Mr. Bayliss?

You do have a big face.

I want you to know
how sorry I am.

That crazy--

Just forget it.

I'm OK.

Relatives?

-No, I-- I work for Mr. Bayliss.-Oh.

And my friends stabbed him.

I Lieutenant Mann.

We got most of the gang, butthe guy who cut at Mr. Bayliss

got away.

We'll get him.

Hey, you're Paul Frees!

I hope so.

The ones we have in
custody won't talk.

But the hotel manager gave usa description of the other two.

Two?

There's Mooney, and Eddy Crane.

Mr. Bayliss, you can talk now.

I wonder if you could
help us find them.

Well, they did say somethingabout the La Brea Tar Pits.

I couldn't tell
you where they are.

Miss, you wouldn't--

"Accessory After
the Fact Theater"

will return right after this.

Meanwhile, at the same time.

-What are you thinking about?-You and me.

And pig boy.

But I know about it now.

And it hasn't changed
the way I feel.

And you know how Mr.
Bayliss feels about you.

I know the cops
are looking for me.

You and Mr. Bayliss
lied to protect me.

I'm not going to mess
up your life, Helen.

And I'm not going
to run anymore.

Eddy, please.

It's no use.

[FALSETTO] Mess up my life.

You don't understand.

I finally found
something to live for.

Everything I want is right here.-In "Dianetics."

And I can't I have it this way.

Eddy.

You understand
what I have to do?

Yes.

[kissing noises]

Oh, my shoulder!

Let's create this scene
from "Videodrome."

[vomiting noises]

Now go and make
that phone call.

Tell them they can
find Eddy Crane here.

-[gasps]
-Who?

Oh, don't ask me to do that.

I can't!

Please, for me?

[FALSETTO] I'm no
good on the phone.

I might chicken out
at the last minute.

Bawk bawk.

If you love me, do it for me.

[coughing]

Go on.

OK.

Is that a yes?

OK, let's make it.

The whole band was listening?

Hmm, NATIONAL-2-9000.

Hm.

You have reached a bald man.

Press 1 for--

Lieutenant Mann,
pick up suspect Eddy

Crane at Universal Recorders.

OK.

[siren whining]

Hey, quit whining.

[DEEP DRUNK VOICE]
Well they left

me fumbling with the blues.Oh, baby.

Hey, what's this?

I found a wheat penny.

Hmm, this is Juicy Fruit.

[SINGING] Meet George Jetson.

Ha!

Uh!

[STOPS SINGING] The
Ventures just drove by.

Hi.

OK, that was fine
Eddy, real fine.

I didn't start yet.

You want to hear the playback?

Can you hold it a minute?

I'll be right back.

Yeah, sure, you bet.

Gonna see if there's
any ham sandwiches left.

Well I've been bald
since I was forty.

Yes, that's right.

Thank you.
-Oh, great.

She's checking
your bank balance.

Uh, can I use the phone?

Did you do it?

Good.

I have the gassed meter reader.

[hiccups] This old junk.

-[WHISPERS] Hey, Eddy!
-Oh, hi Moon!

How was your spree?

[hacking] Thanks.

All done, man.

I'll be right back.

I gotta help him
cinch his pants up.

Well what do you know?

It says right here
that soup is good food.

Hey.

Hi, Eddy.

Surprised to see your old buddy?

-Oh, is he here?
-Yeah.

I thought you'd be
out of town by now.

Where you been?
You loaded?

No, no I'm not loaded.

I'm tired, man.

I've had a day.

You know something, Moon?

They're looking for you.

Yeah?

You too, huh?

I like that band.

I'm sure glad to see you, Moon.

No kidding, Eddy?

I thought you'd be mad.
-Boy, that--

Shh!
I'm getting into this!

Boy, I really got
him, didn't I, Eddy?

I got him good.

This is so intense.

I done it for you, Eddy.

For me, huh?

You know something, it's
always for me, isn't it?

When I went back into
that bar, that fat

barkeep Charlie said he was--

What are you talking about?

You're not talking
about the barkeep?

Well that's his name,
it's Fat W. Barkeep.

I'm talking about Bayliss.

Bayliss?
Bayliss?

Barkeep was his best work.

He's never topped himself.

Yes, Bayliss!

He said he was
gonna tell the cops,

and they'd take you
away and burn you.

You know something, Moon?

You are so sick, you don'teven know when you're lying.

Oh, Eddy, what are you saying?

He's too drunk to evenknow he's using a trash can.

I done it for you, man.

So you can be a big shot.

Did you read the
evening papers, Eddy?

Come on, be a man.

Read all about it, man.

You're a punk.

I'm not a punk.

I'm a new romantic.

All right?

And after I've become allthis way so we can go off

together like we always did.

Hey, you-- you remember
that store, Eddy,

we always used to hold up?

I was thinking we
could go down there

and grab us some quickloot, and get out to Mexico

and be banditos!

Yeah, and then we can rideYoshi to the Mushroom Kingdom.

Out of that movie, Eddy, man.

We're going somewhere together.

But it ain't going to be Mexico.

Going up the river, the bighouse, the pen, the hoosegow,

the clink, the lockup.

You would turn me in?

I'll turn you in-- to
a decent human being.

You know, I'm awfulglad you said that, Eddy.

Now I can tell you
why I really came.

I was gonna wait till
I got down to Mexico,

but now's as good
a time as any, man.

Grammar, Moon.

Grammar.

I'm gonna get you.

And man, I'm going
to get you good.

Now I'm going to spread
you all over this alley.

There it is.

You know, this is how
I imagine Dean Moriarty.

Come on, punk.
Get me.

I'm here.

[humming along with the music]

Bernard, oh no!

Swing and a miss.
We're at 3 and 2 now.

My retainer!

Peh!

This one's for Stella Adler.

I'm gonna [inaudible] you, man.

Well, Barretta or Tomashould be here any minute.

For a recording studio,they got a ton of garbage.

[SINGING] Meet George
Jetson, Jane, his skirt.

Ha!

You know they're going to getreally messy playing that way.

Oh, they got their
play clothes on.

Oh, good.

Easy opening hand.

You know, if any
real beatniks come by,

it's really going
to be embarrassing.

-Mm-hmm.
-Please, don't hurt me!

[crying]

Eddy!

Eddy!

Eddy, break time is over.

We're ready for you.

Eddy, look out!

[FALSETTO] Another
break in continuity!

Uh, I hate you, garbage can.

I hate you!

Wait a minute.
Do that in a 5-8.

I think you've got
something there.

[FALSETTO] Eddy, we really needyou to finish your hit record.

Your little friend willstill be in the garbage can

when we're done.

[siren whining]

That's good for
the quads, you know?

Hey, you guys seen any
hoodlums around here?

[IRISH ACCENT] All
right, show's over.

Nothing to see here.

Go home, people.

I'm Eddy Crane.

Let's go.

Hey, gimme a second, will you?

Uh, 1,001.

Hey, I'd uh, like a
little of that action

too, if you don't mind.

Then we got to go.

[IRISH ACCENT] Come
on, plenty of time

for that in the big house.

[humming along with the music]

[IRISH ACCENT] All
right Eddy, scooch over.

I'm riding shotgun.

You two play nice, or I'llturn this thing around.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Crazy.

Morrissey was in this!

No wonder it was so depressing.

I wonder what's going
to happen to him.

Oh, five to ten.

Now he'll hire ahigh-powered beatnik lawyer.

[mechanical whirring]

You know Joel, I have to say,this was the best Tony Travis

film I've ever seen.

Well, for once I'm
going to have to agree

with you, little buddy.

Have you seen Crow around?-Uh, yeah.

I saw him running after
Gypsy with a knife.

Oh, OK.
Well, this is a letter.

I think it's time to read it.

It's from a woman named
C in Pearl City, Hawaii.

Let's put that on
still store camera.

Aloha, C.

OK, and C writes,
"Dear Joel and the bots,

forced into the bleak isolationof my room by an angry mother,

my punishment is to write,I will not call my mom

a dickweed a million times.

Before I begin thisseemingly impossible task,

I must know in the
interest of justice

for all, is dickweed
a swear word?"

-No.
-Yes.

-Yes.
-No.

[IN UNISON] No.

No, it's definitely
not a swear word.

No, it's clean.
You're cool.

You can stop writing, "I willnot call my mom a dickweed."

[gypsy screaming]
-He's a madman!

He's a madman!

Oh!
-Crow!

Where did she go, man?

Where did she go?

Crow, put that
rubber knife away.

You're scaring Gypsy.

-I did it for you, Eddy.
-Oh great.

He's in Mooney mode again.

That's right.

And I'm going to Moon you, man.

I'm going to Moon you!

That's going to be tough,because you really don't

have a hinder to speak of.

That's it.
That's it.

Ah!
-Oh!

Ah!

Oh!

Take care of my turtle.

I will, Tommy.

Stop my milk delivery.

OK I will.
I will do it.

Pick up my mail
cancel subscription

to "National Review."
-OK.

Continue to tape
"Baywatch" for me.

All right.

Take my step aerobics
class every Tuesday.

All right.
Come on.

OK, come on, get up.

Here, come on, you two.

Come on, face forward.

Say the words.
Come on.

[IN UNISON] OK.

What do you think, sirs?

[WHISPERING] Dickweed.

Well, Joel.

There's a lot of
heat around us now.

Several toy companies
are interested in making

dolls in our likeness.

And we're taking a
lot of meetings today.

Who's going to drive,
your plumpiness?

Push the button, Frank.

Push the button.

I'll do it.
Eh.

Ah!
Wait, wait, wait.

Hm.

[whoosh]

[theme music]

Come and get it!