Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 5, Episode 14 - Tormented - full transcript

♫ In the not too distant future

♫ Lives in the AD

♫ There was a guy named Joel

♫ Not too different from you or me

♫ He worked at Gizmonic Institute

♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuit

♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place

♫ But his bosses didn't like him so they

♫ Shot him into space

♫ We'll send him cheesy movies

♫ The worst we can find

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ And we'll monitor his mind

♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control

♫ Where the movies begin or end

♫ Because he used the special parts

♫ To make his robot friends

♫ Robot Roll Call

♫ Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo, Croooow!

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ And other science facts

♫ Then repeat to yourself it's just a show

♫ I should really just relax

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

- Hey, all right you two.

I've had just about enough.

It's time to come down.

- [Voiceover] No, we're
going to stay up here

where you can't bother us.

- [Voiceover] Yeah.

- Well hi everybody.

Welcome to the satellite,
I'm Joel Robinson.

It looks like Tom Servo and Crow T Robot

have set up housekeeping in
that ventilation duct up there.

- [Voiceover] Sorry Joel, we love you,

we just can't live with you.

What Servo?

Use your words Servo, use your words.

- [Servo] I have to go.

- [Voiceover] Why didn't
you think about that

before we got up here?

- [Servo] I got to go.

I'm really scared, it's
making me feel real funny

and I got to go really bad.

(yelling)

- Here, come on up here.

Hey, Crow.

- [Crow] Hell no, I won't go.

- Hey Crow, Tom and I are going to go over

to Burger King, get us a Shamrock Shake.

- [Crow] It's better at McDonald's.

- [Voiceover] Hey you
guys, really neat floors.

- Oh no.

Gypsy no, you're too
quick, climbing around.

- [Voiceover] Uh-oh, whoops.

- Again, again, again, that was fun.

- Aw Gypsy you shouldn't fall on us.

You're getting too big for that.

- Yeah, my mom says you
can't come over anymore

because you play too rough.

- Uh-oh, Crook and Chaser calling.

- Hello, Joel, Crow,
Tom Servo, the big one.

I'm in a decidedly good mood today.

The Mariner's won, I
received a gift certificate

for having my drapes clean,
and Frank took a nasty fall

down the stairs today.

Why don't you show me what you've got?

- Hey check this out.

Okay, okay, get going.

- Aw Gypsy.

- Oh the events have changed.

Well this is based on the
popular See and Say toy

that helps teach kids
about the animal kingdom.

- Right, only ours helps
kids to sort through

the maze of family reunions
by matching their relatives

faces, names, and voices on
this colorful and amusing toy.

- Yeah, it's called the
Aunt Catherine Wheel.

Why don't you show them how it works Joel?

Which one's Uncle Carl again?

- Oh okay, I just line
it up on Uncle Carl here,

Pull the lever...

- [Voiceover] Uncle Carl
says, hey, won't you grab

your uncle another beer huh?

- (laughing) Hey Joel,
is Grammy Fisher the one

who smells weird?

- No, oh no, here's Grammy
Fisher right there, okay.

- [Voiceover] Grammy Fisher
says, well this will probably

be my last Christmas with you kids.

- Well, what do you think sirs?

- [Voiceover] Aunt Ethel
says, you're on the goofballs

aren't you?

- Well?

- Not bad, I bet Frank would
really like one of those

and here's Frank now
wearing my invention for

this week's exchange.

Everyone has a smoking
jacket and now for the lush

there's my new drinking jacket.

Large pockets really hide the booze

and it comes with the DT's of course.

- (yelling) Oh my god,
help me, help me, help me.

Nurse, nurse, nurse.

- Perfect for a naked
lunch over any lost weekend

or take it under the
volcano for those days

of wine and roses.

Who's afraid of Virginia
war, not my little barfly

with his new drinking jacket
from Old English Botney 500,

will remind you that booze really heals.

- That is the sickest thing
you guys have ever done.

- Two words, get over it.

- And speaking of sick,
this weeks experiment

is from the mixed up files
of from one Burt I Gordon.

I give you, tormented, and
watch for me in the Blay

Community Theater production
of Butterflies are Free.

(alarms blaring)

(yelling)

- [Voiceover] Well, neat huh.

Tormented, I have a feeling
this is aptly named.

- [Voiceover] The Secret Store.

- [Voiceover] It sounds like
the horn section is stuttering.

- [Voiceover] Forever in Lugenes.

- [Voiceover] As six?

Oh.

- [Voiceover] Boy, boy, crazy boy.

(groaning)

- [Voiceover] Gordon and Steinberg

wherever fine films are sold.

- [Voiceover] Mr. Laszlo,
your papers of transit.

Scognamillo, I think
that's a triple word score

in Scrabble.

- [Voiceover] Always the
great George Worthing Yates

writing the screenplay.

(yelling)

- [Voiceover] Ah geez.

- [Voiceover] Additional
modern jazz sequences

by Calvin Jackson, genius.

- [Voiceover] Oh, special visual effects,

Burt have you seen The Travelling Mat?

- [Voiceover] Not Bill
Forsyth, no not the...

- [Voiceover] I have a sinking feeling.

(whistling)

- [Voiceover] Honey West,
directed by Bert I. Gordon, yeah.

Tormented by Topper.

- [Voiceover] Peace, quiet.

The peace of waves were
ever breaking on the shore.

The quiet of tranquil
moonlight on the sea.

- [Voiceover] Hawaiian eye.

- [Voiceover] Then
fingers of bog steal in.

They say you can hear voices.

They say it's the dead growing restless

and calling to the living.

- [Voiceover] What are you
Graham Ex from the Moody Blues?

- [Voiceover] Until that
evening, Vi came looking for me.

- [Voiceover] Boy, crappy house.

- [Voiceover] I never lied to you.

- [Voiceover] But I always thought that.

- [Voiceover] Look Vi,
whatever you thought

is your business, but it's all over,

it's finished.

You should never have come
here and you'll be doing

yourself a favor if you
take the first boat back.

- [Voiceover] It's over Ivonna.

- I can't go back without you.

Please, come back with me Tom.

Just tell her you changed your mind.

Nobody even knows I'm on the island.

I chartered a private boat over.

I won't even go back to the
club, I'll quit right now.

- [Voiceover] Geez, did
you have garlic earlier?

- Realize when a good thing is over.

- [Voiceover] They're the
only ones on the island,

why are they whispering?

- A singer like Rita, fit
in the picture anymore.

I hear she's quite
young and has money too.

- Please understand.

- [Voiceover] I'm a magic man, doom doom.

- I need you Tom.

No one will ever love you more than I do.

- [Voiceover] There's
something about an act with

all the men.

- I'm sorry for everything.

- [Voiceover] Especially
putting worms in your bed.

- Good night Vi.

- I still have your letters.

- [Voiceover] Whoa, someone
gave her a bra snuggie.

- [Voiceover] No honey, no.

- [Voiceover] Hold on.

- I've never been in a lighthouse before.

Show me the light darling.

- [Voiceover] Got to think.

- [Voiceover] Now this
could be the nursery,

you got the bassinet
over by the fernelands.

- What about the letters Vi?

- Oh I never throw
anything like that away.

You never know when they
might come in handy.

I wonder how she'd feel
if I read them to her.

Putting in pertinent foot notes of course.

- [Voiceover] Like Mad Libs.

- And maybe I have to
show them to a lawyer.

I'm sure he'd know what to do with them.

How would a lawsuit fit in
with your music career, Tom?

How would the piano
genius of jazz feel about

that kind of publicity?

- [Voiceover] Oh, like there's
never been a sex scandal

in jazz before.

- Darling, you look as if
you're ready to kill me.

- [Voiceover] Bingo.

- Now you get this
straight, I'm marrying Meg.

- And you get this straight Tom Stewart,

no one will ever have you but me.

- [Voiceover] Scared straight.

(screaming)

- Help me, please Tom, help me.

- [Voiceover] What huh?

Brring, brring, oh honey,
telephone's ringing.

I got to go.

- Save me Tom, please.

- [Voiceover] Well that's
what she gets for railing

against him, ouch.

(screaming)

- [Voiceover] Hold on,
I've decided to save you.

Oh, shoot.

- [Voiceover] Note to myself,
never date in a lighthouse.

- [Voiceover] Ms. Johnson,
send in another fiancee.

- [Voiceover] Next week on Tormented.

Tonight's episode,
Jonathan Livingston murder.

- [Voiceover] I'm Bill Beruit
for World of Adventure.

- [Voiceover] Whoa, geez
she really came apart

on the rocks.

- [Voiceover] Ew.

- [Voiceover] No, that's not her.

- [Voiceover] Sporting old man.

- [Voiceover] Hey it looks
like the dad from Flippers.

- [Voiceover] Yeah.

- [Voiceover] Oh, oh ow, owie, oh.

- [Voiceover] Well now he's
body surfing literally.

- [Voiceover] Oh, nothing
like an invigorating swim

with a corpse in the morning.

I got to make this my daily ritual here.

- [Voiceover] (singing) Catch
a wave and you're sitting

on top of a girl.

- [Voiceover] Tonight on
a very special Baywatch.

- [Voiceover] Look, I'm
really sorry about last night,

can I make it up to you?

- [Voiceover] Here folks, you take her.

- [Voiceover] Here you be Deborah Kerr,

I'll be Burt Lancaster.

- [Voiceover] She's turning
into a ceasar salad.

- [Voiceover] It's sort of
an herbal wrap isn't it?

- [Voiceover] What no croutons?

Somebody kelp me, (laughing),
even in death I'm funny.

- Who is it?

- It's me Sandy.

- [Voiceover] You're little conscience.

- Sandy.

- What are you doing?

- Sandy look, do me a favor will you

and run out and play somewhere, I'm busy.

- [Voiceover] Oh, I see another
corpse turned into seaweed.

(singing)

- Don't you like me anymore?

- [Voiceover] Well you're
assuming I liked you in

the first place.

- Sure I like you, I love you.

I just want to be by myself.

- Where were you last night?

- [Voiceover] Oh, killing someone...

- We had a beach barbeque
and everyone on the island

was there.

- [Voiceover] Except half.

- Ned was looking all over for you.

- Sandy, please run along.

- Okay, sorry to disturb you.

I almost forgot, the
wedding announcements came

and mommy wants you to look at one before

we send them out.

There's only a week til the big day.

- Okay, okay.

- What's that?

Look what I found?

- [Voiceover] I think
it's a piece of brain.

- [Voiceover] Gilligan, give me that.

- [Voiceover] And it's still
ticking, I'm John Cameron

Swayzee for Timex.

- No, I'll take care of it.

- [Voiceover] Oh, geez, Haley
Mills gets the Parent Trap,

I get stuck in the lousy...

(upbeat music)

- I'd better take it easy.

I didn't find any dead
woman, only seaweed.

I know what's the matter
with me, I'm seeing things.

I'm letting my imagination run wild.

- [Voiceover] You're also doing voiceovers

for crappy movies.

- Why should it bother me?

I didn't do anything to
Vi, I didn't kill her.

It's her own fault she's dead.

- [Voiceover] It's her own
fault I didn't save her.

- [Voiceover] I love
myself unconditionally,

I love myself
unconditionally, I love myself

unconditionally.

(groaning)

- [Voiceover] I need a
vacation, something urban,

the Quad Cities or Davenport.

- [Voiceover] Think I'll
return to the scene of

the crime to cheer myself up.

It worked.

- [Voiceover] Honey, I'm
home, oh yeah, you're dead.

- [Voiceover] (singing) The
long and winding stairs.

- [Voiceover] Boy you
know, a pair of pants

would feel real good right about now.

- [Voiceover] I'm going
to pad out the film

starting now.

- [Voiceover] Oh geez, her
butt must have weighed a ton.

- [Voiceover] Locks in place,
ready for my next victim.

- [Voiceover] Like Colombo's
not going to figure this out.

- [Voiceover] Now cut that out.

- She came out here of her own accord.

- [Voiceover] No, it was a camera.

- It wasn't my doing she fell.

Wasn't my fault if it gave way.

Why should I be blamed, I
have nothing to do with it.

Anyway, nobody ever needs to know.

Nobody will even connect me with her.

Why should they?

Except for this watch of hers.

- [Voiceover] Three skips.

- That's the end of you.

- [Voiceover] You're
going to die you evil man.

- [Voiceover] I know it, I'm living it.

- [Voiceover] Oh, I hate Mondays.

- [Voiceover] Oh, the bridge
club will be here any minute

and I'm not ready.

- [Voiceover] Oh geez,
days like this I just feel

like having a shower, a
sandwich, and straight to bed.

- [Voiceover] Is that you Bert I. Gordon?

- [Voiceover] Ah, my 10
o'clock, I'll be right with you.

- [Voiceover] She's wearing today's paper.

- [Voiceover] Meg, I
will come back to you.

- Meg, it's you.

- [Voiceover] This is
the greatest chick trap

ever invented.

- Oh no, no, it's just that
I wasn't expecting anyone.

- [Voiceover] Anyone alive anyway.

- What are you doing up here?

- Looking for you.

What are you doing up here
in this old lighthouse?

- Well I...

- [Voiceover] I live here.

- I like its quiet.

I wanted to think.

I guess I'm worried about
that Carnegie Hall thing

next month.

I wonder if I'm good enough.

- [Voiceover] Yeah, being an
usher's a big responsibility.

- You're the best jazz
pianist in the world.

- [Voiceover] Oh yeah,
much better than Art Tatum,

Bud Powell, Bill Evans.

- I never loved anyone before in my life.

- [Voiceover] Not that survived anyway.

- Nor did I.

- [Voiceover] Eclipse, it's here.

- Do you smell perfume?

- [Voiceover] I like to
wear Chanel Number Five.

- [Voiceover] I wanted
to smell pretty for you.

- It's sort of cold and gloomy in here.

I'm getting the creeps
having that big lamp

staring at us.

- [Voiceover] I hate the
prying eyes of furniture.

- Locked it up here since
the light stopped working.

Glad they're going to tear it down.

Come on, let's go outside
til the sun's warmer.

- [Voiceover] What a morning.

- [Voiceover] Aye, yay, yay.

- [Meg] Coming?

- [Voiceover] I didn't kill her, oh, oh.

- [Voiceover] Her swimsuit
looks like it's made out

of SNH green stamps.

- [Voiceover] Thanks a lot Vi.

- [Voiceover] Tonight from the crypt,

I want to bury a lighthouse
keeper (evil laugh).

- [Voiceover] Sessions
presents soft rock classics,

Leo Sare.

And Marie, and many more.

- I'm sending the gown tomorrow.

Oh, you're going to love it Tom.

Oh, I was supposed to
see about a tie for dad

and I forgot.

I'll be so glad when this
whole thing's over with,

won't you?

- [Voiceover] Honey, shut up.

- It'll only be a week more.

We can wait that long can't we?

- [Voiceover] No, I want to kill you now.

- [Voiceover] Wait a minute
didn't Vi die in pumps

and she's barefoot again.

- [Voiceover] Honey are you
carrying a pock of Theramin?

- I love you so much Tom.

You love me don't you?

- [Voiceover] My braces.

- [Voiceover] Wait a minute,
were you just walking

on all fours?

- Did you see anything?

- What there's nothing to see?

- Right there.

- [Voiceover] Water, source of all life.

It's wet, why?

- There's nothing there.

What's been there?

- Why you fib?

- Babe, I've got to get out of here.

Right away.

- [Voiceover] I need air.

- Let's elope, we can catch
a boat to the mainland

and be married this afternoon.

- What about the wedding?

- I was never for a big deal anyway.

I only agreed to it because you wanted it.

- Does it matter that I still want it?

- Please Meg, please, do this for me.

Just go away with me right now.

- I told you that's impossible.

I want my mother and father
to think well of you.

- I'll have to go by myself.

- [Voiceover] Elope by yourself?

- What about the wedding?

- What about it babe?

- If you go there won't be one though?

- [Voiceover] Elope by himself.

What's he going to do?

Carry himself over the threshold?

Men.

- [Voiceover] Sand.

- [Voiceover] Sessions
presents David Sole.

- [Voiceover] (singing)
Don't give up on us babe.

- Now I will perform the
greatest of all magic

accomplishments ever
performed on this island.

The secret cabinet.

- [Voiceover] Don't you
have your own family kid?

- The cabinet is empty.

Tom, Tom, you're not paying any attention.

- [Voiceover] Oh, I'm
waiting for the waitress.

- Don't you want to
see the secret cabinet?

- Oh sure I do, I wouldn't
miss it, go ahead.

- If I close the doors
to this magic cabinet

and say the magic word and
tap it with my magic wand.

- [Voiceover] I saw her do this in Vegas,

where's my drink?

- It is now filled with jellybeans.

Tom Stewart.

- [Voiceover] Firm, huh?

- Fine one you are.

- Sandy.

Sandy, if you hate me
for the rest of your life

I deserve it.

- I couldn't hate you
no matter what you did.

- [Voiceover] I killed someone.

- No matter what I did?

- No matter what.

- Even like fighting with your sister?

Meg's mad at me you know.

- She'll get over it,
besides if she doesn't,

you'll be free to marry me.

- Okay, from now on, you're
the other woman in my life.

- [Voiceover] Put her down Jerry Lee.

Oh we got to go.

- Run along now, I've got
some practicing to do.

I'll clean up your magic stuff.

Bye.

- Bye Tom.

- Kennedy would have
won even without Texas.

He didn't need Johnson.

- True, true, but still
it must have been nice

to win Texas.

It probably made him feel real good.

Now what's going on up there?

- [Joel] It's me Joel, I'm cleaning up.

You guys left crunch
berries everywhere up here.

- Ah, that's great, try
to keep quiet will ya?

We're talking here.

- [Joel] Oh great, you
guys just relax while

I clean up your mess.

- Okay great, let us know if we can help.

Anyway Servo, Johnson
Smonson, you can't save it...

Oh, oh, hey, Joel, what are you doing?

Do you have any self control at all?

- [Joel] I fell, I'm
hanging here by one arm.

You guys have to help me.

- Oh Tom, did you hear that?

We have to help Joel.

- Yeah, as a general rule
I don't like being told

what I have to do.

Something about it just gets to me.

- Yeah, well I guess the cat's
on the other foot now huh?

(laughing)

Maybe we should at least
consider helping him though,

he does owe me two space credits.

- Oh I'm willing to consider it.

- [Joel] Come on you guys.

- There may be a few changes
around here though Joel.

For instance, how late
can we stay up tonight?

- [Joel] 8:30, same as always.

- Oh, okay.

Joel, your arm getting tire?

- [Joel] Okay nine.

(laughing)

Hey come on.

- You know Joel, I think I'd
like to be taller than you

and more popular.

- Look at that, what a
pathetic figure (laughing).

- Oh Joel, I'm very sorry it's just that

you've put us in a
rather unusual situation.

Hey, okay let's have a nice smoked duck

and goat cheese pizza tonight.

Huh, what do you think?

- [Joel] Come on you guys
really expect me to make that?

- No, no Mr. Robinson, I
expect you to die (laughing).

- [Joel] Come on you have to help me.

- There he goes again,
boy that makes me angry,

and hungry.

Hey, let's dig into those
Super Mario fruit chunks okay?

- Great idea, we have a
date with Mrs. Butterworth.

- Sounds delicious.

- [Voiceover] Oh man I've
got an Indian jumpsuit.

- [Voiceover] You have nice calves.

- [Voiceover] Let's see,
do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

(piano playing)

- [Voiceover] Oh I feel so bad.

(singing) I'm going to
kill me a girlfriend

and marry the girl I need.

- [Voiceover] Testify.

- [Voiceover] (singing) Going
to kill me a girlfriend,

she'll turn into seaweed.

It's a blue shimmy whale
cause of my dirty deed.

That faulty lighthouse railing baby, oh.

- [Voiceover] What is this a Better Home

and Gardens video?

- [Voiceover] Oh baby.

- [Voiceover] Suddenly he's
writing a Charles Ives piece.

- [Voiceover] It's a pencil
sharpener on the end there.

- [Voiceover] By sessions.

Milton Bradley presents
Tormented, You're the Killer,

woman not included.

- [Voiceover] Hey.

- [Voiceover] Wonder if this is on CD?

- [Voiceover] Tormented,
now it's a coaster.

Where was I?

- [Voiceover] Hey, now
I do have the blues.

- [Voiceover] Now cut that out.

(upbeat music)

- [Voiceover] All right
Allen Funt, where are you?

- [Voiceover] Oops.

- [Voiceover] Aw cripes, I
just remembered I borrowed this

from the library.

- Who's there?

- [Voiceover] Tom.

- [Voiceover] Hi ya Mr. B.

- [Voiceover] Hey it's
a blind lemon pledge.

- I brought you some flowers.

- [Voiceover] Ah yeah, just
put that in the goldfish bowl.

- Something the matter, Tom?

- What makes you say that?

- You sound upset.

- Perhaps I better check you another time.

- Oh no, no Mrs. Ellis.

No come here and sit down.

Thank you for the flowers, they're lovely.

- [Voiceover] Watch out Mr. Buckle.

Watch out honey, look out.

- Mrs Ellis, I want to ask you something.

- [Voiceover] How many
fingers am I holding up?

- [Voiceover] Stop it.

- Sounds kind of silly
but would you believe

the spirits of the dead can come back

to haunt the living?

Do you believe in ghosts?

- [Voiceover] Do you
believe in peanut butter?

- What makes you ask a thing like that?

- You haven't answered Mrs. Ellis.

- Nobody believes in ghosts nowadays.

- Do you?

- If anybody was to ask me seriously

I would have to say no.

- [Voiceover] What if I
asked you in a clown suit?

- Of course, a real estate
agent runs into many

strange things in an
empty house sometimes.

- What kind of things?

- Well, there was a family named Samuels.

They lived in that last
house down the beach.

- [Voiceover] On the left?

- One day their little boy took his dog

and went fishing.

They never came back and
nobody knows what happened

to them.

- [Voiceover] Coincidence, read the book.

- After the Samuel's moved away

I signed three tenants
during that first month,

but not one of them would
stay more than a few days.

- [Voiceover] Believe it or not.

- That doesn't prove anything.

- They complained about an unseen dog

whining and scratching at the door,

but that wasn't what made
them break their lease.

- [Voiceover] The dog puddled the carpet

and I evicted them.

It was the cold up in the boys' rooms

You could feel it in your
bones, a deathly cold.

The walls were always damp
and stained with sea water.

Whatever caused it, the
thing came back every night.

- Did you ever see it Mrs. Ellis?

- It's been many years
since I've seen anything.

- [Voiceover] Oh he deserves that.

- Sorry I keep forgetting.

Did anybody see it?

- [Voiceover] You keep forgetting?

- People say they found wet
seaweed on the boy's bed.

- You can't call wet
seaweed a ghost can you?

- Tom, what's wrong?

- [Voiceover] Well I pushed
this wo, I mean nothing.

- You're running away from something.

- [Voiceover] You read
me like a cheap novel.

- [Voiceover] Well Tom?

- [Voiceover] Well the
truth is I'm a crappy

jazz musician all right?

- Something I can't believe exists myself.

- If it does exist you can't
solve anything by running.

- [Voiceover] Well how
about speed walking?

- Then on the other hand,
if it doesn't exist,

there's nothing to run from.

- [Voiceover] Did you read
that in a fortune cookie?

- You're a very wise women Mrs. Ellis.

- [Voiceover] Yeah, it's
just too bad you've got

green and pink on.

- Oh and thanks for the
flowers, they're beautiful.

Thanks honey.

- [Voiceover] Look out.

- [Voiceover] Sessions
presents April Days.

- [Voiceover] (singing)
Tonight Chicago died.

- No go away.

- [Voiceover] I pledge
allegiance to the flag,

hallowed it be thy name.

- No, leave me alone.

- [Voiceover] Typical
lazy musician, get up.

- [Voiceover] Suddenly it's
a song of Bernadette here.

- [Voiceover] Where's my watch?

- [Voiceover] Help me Obi
Wan, you're my last hope.

- [Voiceover] Seems refreshed.

- [Voiceover] Help me Tom, help me.

- [Voiceover] I thought I'd
change for the dream sequence.

- [Voiceover] What do you know?

- [Voiceover] Now I'm
in the Seven Year Itch.

- [Voiceover] Con dios.

- [Voiceover] Oh man, I've
got a headache this big

and its got Birdeye Gordon
written all over it.

- [Voiceover] Oh, I
got to get back to bed.

Wait a minute, I'm in bed.

- [Voiceover] She's so transparent.

- No, go away, you're dead leave me alone.

- I'll never, I'll always be.

Always, always.

- [Voiceover] Oh terrific, I
killed the Lander's sisters.

I can't decide which one
of you scares me more, bye.

- [Voiceover] Said left
there, is everywhere.

- Save me darling, save me.

- [Voiceover] Get a life, oh sorry.

- [Voiceover] It's Haley
Mills and Haley Mills

in The Death Trap.

(ghost noises)

- [Voiceover] Damn, I'm
still a crappy musician.

- [Voiceover] Oh great,
60 Minutes is after me.

- [Voiceover] This
belonged to V-I Warshowski.

- [Voiceover] All right Louis,
come out with your hands up.

- [Voiceover] Oh great, I
left the house on again.

(upbeat music)

- [Voiceover] Sessions
presents Hamilton, Joe Frank,

and Reynolds.

- [Voiceover] (singing) Don't
pull your love out on me

honey.

- [Voiceover] Commadores.

- [Voiceover] (singing)
You're once, twice,

three times a lady.

- [Voiceover] Sandy Johns.

- [Voiceover] (singing)
Made love in my Chevy van

and that's all right with me.

- [Voiceover] Hey there's a
big band up in the lighthouse.

Cukoo.

- [Voiceover] Hey, could you turn it down?

Some of us have to work in the morning.

- [Voiceover] You know, he's
going to have huge calves

by the end of this movie.

- [Voiceover] Stair master.

- [Voiceover] Nelson Riddle, keep it down.

- [Voiceover] Look, it can
make huge shadows on the ocean.

- Vi?

- [Voiceover] Vi ask Vi?

- You can't hear me can
you, because you don't

even exist.

- [Voiceover] Chuck Norris in Octagon.

- Grey shadow perhaps, light perhaps.

- [Voiceover] A bit of beef, 100% potato.

- [Voiceover] Perhaps.

- But Vi, just in case you can hear me,

I've come to tell you this.

- [Voiceover] You smell bad
and you broke my railing.

- I'm not going to pay any
attention to you anymore.

- [Voiceover] And where'd
you put my dress shoes?

- I'm going to live my life right here.

- [Voiceover] Okay.

- I'm going to stop running
and I'm going to marry,

Meg, Vi.

I'm going to marry Meg.

- [Voiceover] Vi.

- That's all I came to say.

- [Voiceover] Vi, come on, pick up.

I know you're there Vi come on.

- You never existed.

I'm going to marry Meg.

- [Voiceover] Really I am.

- [Voiceover] Ever notice
there's no bugs around

that light?

- [Voiceover] It's yellow.

- Just in case you can
hear me Vi, good night

and good bye.

- [Voiceover] I'll be making
your life a living hell,

good night.

- [Voiceover] No one will
ever have you but me.

- [Voiceover] Can't hear
you, I left the lighthouse,

can't hear you.

- [Voiceover] Of all the
lighthouses in all the world,

she had to fall off of mine.

- [Voiceover] Yeah, that's a good idea.

The music will drive her away.

- [Voiceover] It's driving me away.

(clapping)

- Oh hi, there's Coke in the
refrigerator, help yourself.

- Okay.

- [Voiceover] And there's
a mirror on the table,

razor blade.

(playing piano)

- [Voiceover] (singing)
I'd like to teach the world

to sing, hey.

- [Voiceover] Hey, that's
the same Paulie girl,

put that down.

- Mrs. Ellis said you wanted
to see me, what about?

- I, sit down.

- [Voiceover] I need some
help with autumn leaves.

- I wondered if you'd talk
to your sister Meg for me,

tell her how sorry I am?

- Okay.

- You tell her I behaved like a little boy

and I'm ashamed of myself.

- I'll tell her.

She didn't call anything off.

- She didn't?

- Uh-uh, guess she's ready to make up.

- [Voiceover] Buy her something
from Victoria's Secret.

- Are you ready?

- Yeah I'm all ready.

- You've got the ring and everything?

- Uh-huh.

- Let me see it.

- [Voiceover] How come
you're not wearing any pants?

- [Voiceover] Did she
write that, it's fantastic?

- Tom, it's gorgeous.

- [Voiceover] But things
are moving too fast.

- Meg's sure lucky.

Can I try it on?

- [Voiceover] On what, you're wrist?

- What I really want is one of my own.

- Well you might be
just a little bit young.

- I know, dear little
Sandy, she's just a child.

Well do you know how old I am?

I'm practically nine.

In China, in Borneo, and
India in places like that,

girls already have husbands at my age.

I'd get married tomorrow if I could find

someone like you.

- [Voiceover] Well let me call Bill Wyman.

- Can't I please try on the ring?

- I just put it on your finger.

- What on my finger?

- The ring.

- I don't have the ring.

- [Voiceover] That's what I said.

- [Voiceover] Third base.

- [Voiceover] Oh thank you thing.

- [Voiceover] Give me five, give me five.

- [Voiceover] It's the
ghost of Senior Winsess.

- What's the matter, did you drop it?

It couldn't fall far.

It's got to be here somewhere.

- [Voiceover] Jazz hands, jazz hands.

- Sandy, Sandy don't touch it.

- What Tom?

- That right there.

- [Voiceover] Sit thing, sit.

- There's nothing there.

- [Voiceover] Could I have
another St. Paulie Girl?

- [Voiceover] On my
summer vacation I babysat

for paranoid psychotic.

- Sandy, tell me the truth,
didn't you see anything

right there?

- There wasn't anything to see.

I'm so hurt.

- [Voiceover] You need
some downtime Uncle Tom.

- I'll find the ring later.

You run along now Sandy, I've
got to finish my practicing.

- [Voiceover] Gilligan.

- Bye Sandy, I'll see you later.

- [Voiceover] You'll
be all right Uncle Tom.

- [Voiceover] That hand
was a nice touch Vi.

- I know now you've come back.

- [Voiceover] Guy.

- But it won't do you any
good, because I'm going

to marry Meg.

What'd you do with the ring Vi?

Vi, what did you do with that ring?

- [Voiceover] Sessions presents,
Summer Hits, Terry Jacks.

- [Voiceover] (singing)
We had joy we had fun.

- [Voiceover] Mark Whimsy.

- [Voiceover] (singing)
In the end, wants me.

- [Voiceover] Paul Inca.

- [Voiceover] (singing) Having my baby.

- [Voiceover] Barry Manilow.

- [Voiceover] (singing) No
I can't smile without you.

- [Voiceover] Vicki Lawrence.

- [Voiceover] (singing)
The night that the lights

went out in Georgia.

- [Voiceover] Rupert Homes,
(singing) if you like

pina colada.

Donovan.

- [Voiceover] (singing)
Way down upon the ocean.

- [Voiceover] Olivia Newton John.

- [Voiceover] (singing)
I honestly love you.

- [Voiceover] Bobby Goldsburrow.

- [Voiceover] (singing)
And honey I miss you.

- [Voiceover] And many more.

- [Voiceover] They want us to move closer.

- [Voiceover] What?

- [Voiceover] Let's go somewhere
quiet like the bus station.

- I don't understand
what you're going to...

- [Voiceover] Going to say
because it's really loud here.

- No more questions.

You know what's wrong with you?

- What?

- You've been working
too hard getting ready

for your concert.

- [Voiceover] You've
been murdering too hard.

- Only light here on the
island away from all your

musician friends.

I'm getting you down.

But I'll think of all
that once we're married.

- Maybe you better tell your mother

that the wedding's on again.

- [Voiceover] He's marrying her mother?

- You're pretty sure
of yourself aren't you?

- You know the first
thing you're going to do

is have a long vacation.

- [Voiceover] In hell.

- A whole month's honeymoon in Europe.

- Uh-uh, you know how
many hit records I'd have

to sell to pay for that?

- [Voiceover] More than
Elvis or the Beatles.

- Dad's splitting the bill.

His wedding present to us,
he wanted to tell you himself

but he won't be here til
right before the wedding

and when we get back I'm
going to have a big party

so I can get to know all your friends.

- [Voiceover] Before you kill them all.

- A party, we'll be living
in a three room apartment.

- Mother and daddy won't
mind if we use their house

in Bel Air.

They say now that I'm getting married

it's too big for them
anyway, so they'll be turning

it over to us for good one of these days.

- Are you trying to spoil me?

- [Voiceover] Kind of like
Vi's body is spoiling?

- Come on up to the house a minute,

I want you to see something.

- [Voiceover] Yes.

- My wedding gown.

- You're not supposed to be that light.

- You're not superstitious
about things like that

are you?

- [Voiceover] No, no course
not, account for that hand

though, whatever you do.

(upbeat music)

- (singing) The snow bird
sings a song he always sings.

- Hey Joe, what's going on?

- Oh well Crow, in today's
experiment, the main character

allowed a singer to plummet to her death

and I thought it'd be
interesting if we were to take

some of today's singers and...

- And make them plummet to their death?

What a great idea.

- Joel Robinson, I could kiss you.

- Whoa wait a minute, nobody
is going to plummet to

their death here.

You know we'll put a
trampoline down there,

attach a bungee cord.

- To their necks (laughing).

- No, nobody's going to get killed,

we just want to put the
fear of God into them

for a little bit okay?

So which of today's pop
singers would you like

to see drop from a tall lighthouse?

- Oh, well my first choice
would be Kenny Rogers.

I'd like to watch him hang
by his beard for a while

til he pleaded for mercy
and finally admitted that he

was the coward of the county.

(laughing).

- You know I'd like to
see the Manhattan Transfer

all plunge to their doom.

Instead of singing scat
they'd just be scat.

- Do, do, dah, dah, die, die, die.

- Oh, fun.

- Hey, don't forget Kenny Loggins.

- Oh no, he's too skinny, he'd just float.

- Oh, well then Jim Macina.

- Okay, think I'm going to have a Sunday.

Let's try Kenny Loggins anyway.

Ah, falling into the danger zone.

He fell good.

You know, now remember,
we're not killing anybody.

- Oh yes we are.

What about Dr. Hook?

Physician, heal thyself.

- Johnathan Edwards.

- Donovan.

The Lionel Ritchie.

Michael Bolton.

- Ben Cidrin.

- Michael Franks.

- Ah popsicle toes.

- New Kids on the Block.

Star Land Vocal Band, afternoon to die.

- Ah carnage.

- Okay, that's pretty fun,
you guys mind if I try one?

- Sure.

- Okay, how about Peter Himmelmen.

That felt good.

Okay, time's running out, you
each get one more choice okay?

- Ann Murray.

- Here's a tiny way.

Classic choice Crow.

- Okay, okay Kenny Rogers.

- Oh well you picked him already.

- I know but I'm still mad about Six Pack.

- Good point, down you go.

- No man, don't take your love to die.

(laughing)

- You know guys, this
whole exercise was really

kind of juvenile.

- Yeah, pretty destructive and negative.

- Yeah I thought it'd
be kind of cathartic,

but it really wasn't, was it?

- Darn right it was.

(yelling)

- [Voiceover] Hey, hey, all right.

- Hello strangers, where have
you been keeping yourself

lately?

Some beautiful gifts have arrived

and you haven't seen any of them.

- Hey look at this.

- But you're here any way.

- [Voiceover] Hey look at
me, I won the Stanley Cup.

- [Voiceover] Aw geez, she's
into the excelsior again.

- Look, another one.

- Oh there's my girl.

- [Voiceover] Just who is he marrying?

- Hi pal.

- Hi.

- [Voiceover] Lolita.

- Is everything made up with you and Meg?

- I'm working on it.

- [Voiceover] Don't tell
anybody about my tripping out.

- [Voiceover] Nice girl.

- Hi Ms. Ellis.

- Tom.

- Another pair.

- [Voiceover] I know.

- People must think
newlyweds live on riddles

by candlelight.

This makes nine pairs of
candlesticks and 12 salad bowls

and more coming every
time the mail boy arrives.

Meg got her wedding gown today and Tom...

- [Voiceover] Ah, that voice, ugh.

- What a bride goes through
to make herself attractive

for you men.

- [Voiceover] Ladies back me up on this.

- Three fittings to get the bodice right

and three layers of mesh
to make the skirt going up.

- [Tom] Well, it might be
worth it, after all I'm only...

- [Voiceover] Don't look now
but Arthur Murray's here.

- Sandy, see if there's a window open.

There's a cold draft all of a sudden.

- [Voiceover] Aw gee, I could
go for a cold draft right now.

Sandy check the door,
Sandy do this, I have

to do everything.

Change the oil on a car,
maybe I should chill

the champagne huh, how about that?

- [Voiceover] You know booze
is your best drug value.

- That sweet smell?

- [Voiceover] Jagermeister honey.

- It must be the fresh roses.

- My roses never smell like that.

- [Voiceover] Than it must be you.

- It's a women's perfume.

- Help me make room for these dear.

In my day it wasn't
candlesticks it was teaspoons.

- [Voiceover] Shut up.

- I received no less than 78 of them

when we were married.

- [Voiceover] Let's ditch her.

- When he went back to the main one

he said he was going to
go right to the office

and stay there until our wedding.

I'm sure you'll never
treat your wife like that,

will you Tom?

- [Voiceover] You
cleared the room grandma.

- He isn't here mother.

- Where is he?

- I think Meg took him
to look at her dress.

(screaming)

- [Voiceover] Next.

Guess she didn't like it.

- My wedding dress.

- [Voiceover] Now it's garbage.

- What is it?

What did she find?

- [Tom] Seaweed.

- [Voiceover] Well she did
ask for the mermaid cut.

- [Voiceover] Well we'll
change the bridesmaid

dresses to green.

- Tom?

- Yes, Mrs. Ellis.

- [Voiceover] No, I wasn't
pretending I was a playmate.

- I brought you some honey.

- [Voiceover] Or it might be motor oil.

- Don't get up, I'll just
put it on the bar here.

- [Voiceover] Let's wrestle now.

- I really brought the
honey only as an excuse

because I knew you were upset.

Tom, there's nothing
supernatural about what happened

to Meg's dress?

There must be a logical explanation.

- I know, I know.

- [Voiceover] Maybe she
was rolling sushi on it.

- Seaweed, it's just
like that Samuel's boy.

- There have been no recent deaths Tom.

- [Voiceover] Ha ha, define recent.

- Any way, I'm sure of one thing.

- [Voiceover] I'm a turtle.

- I've had enough of her.

- Who are you talking about?

- Oh a friend I used to
have, a girl named Vi.

- [Voiceover] That I don't have any more.

- She came over here to the islands.

- [Voiceover] Fell down off the island.

- Off the lighthouse.

- [Voiceover] She died.

- Well at any rate, she
went back to the mainland.

- [Voiceover] It's a girl thing.

- Are you sure that's what happened?

- What do you mean am I sure?

- Well maybe she didn't
go back to the mainland.

Maybe this girl Vi is
still here and is playing

tricks to get even.

- [Voiceover] Hey check out Pierre Lupas.

- [Mrs. Ellis] Now where do
you suppose a woman could hide

on this island?

- [Sandy] Who's hiding?

- Never mind Sandy.

- [Voiceover] Aye, aye sir.

- Things will work out, you'll see.

(evil laughter)

- [Voiceover] Turn, turn, right, good.

- [Voiceover] Hello,
hey a kitty (barking).

- [Voiceover] And Bee
Davis as Mrs. Longstreet.

- [Sandy] Mrs. Ellis, Mrs. Ellis.

- [Voiceover] It sure isn't you.

- Why are people always saying never mind?

- Because there are some
things that grown ups

don't want children to know about, Sandy.

- Those are always the
most interesting things.

- [Voiceover] And because
you're a bad person Sandy.

- Why is Tom upset?

- Never mind.

- [Voiceover] What is she, Liz Smith?

- Daddy's looking for
it at the lighthouse.

He's always hanging around there.

- The lighthouse is a very
dangerous place, Sandy.

- [Voiceover] Go play there Sandy.

- It'll soon be torn down.

- That doesn't keep
people from going there.

- But you mustn't go
there Sandy, not ever.

Run along home now.

- [Voiceover] Gee you're
a spooky old dame.

- [Voiceover] Left,
left, oh honey look out.

- [Voiceover] Clunk.

- [Voiceover] The dark's
playing a cruel joke on her.

(barking)

- [Voiceover] I guess what
I'm saying is I don't want

to go in there.

- I'm surprised at you.

You're being as silly as Tom.

- [Voiceover] Don't ever say that.

(barking)

- All right, I'll go alone.

- Young lady, young lady?

- [Voiceover] Young hello
Lady, Mrs. Lady Thing.

- [Voiceover] Why it's Mrs. Butterworth.

- I love the perfume you're wearing.

It's no use, I know
you're in here somewhere.

I can hear you too.

Don't you think it's ridiculous to hide?

- [Voiceover] Just a
second, I'm in the bathroom.

- There's something I want to say to you.

- [Voiceover] Grab
something out of the fridge,

I'll be right down.

- If you won't, then
I'll go up and find you.

- [Voiceover] Well better
unpack another body bag.

- [Voiceover] Is she
wearing a life jacket under

that sweater?

- [Voiceover] No she's Mrs. Michelon Man.

- Listen to me please.

- [Voiceover] Listen to me please.

- I don't usually give people advice,

but Tom is a dear friend
and I want to ask you

to leave him alone.

Are you listening to me?

You might at least have
the politeness to answer.

(laughing)

Why that's a nasty laugh you have.

- [Voiceover] You see I'm dead then.

- What tricks are you up to now?

Wait, listen to me.

- [Voiceover] An aging
Kin Novak re-creates

this scene from Vertigo.

- [Voiceover] This place sounds real nice,

I love what I think you've done with it.

- You've been frightening
Tom half to death.

- [Voiceover] What's the
point of being a ghost?

- I know Meg doesn't concern you,

but you wouldn't want to
make an innocent person

suffer, would you?

- [Voiceover] Well sure,
that's the most fun.

- I wish you'd speak more clearly.

- [Voiceover] What do you want, I'm dead?

My larynx is rotten.

- You're trying to make
me sorry for you I suppose

but I can't help thinking
how foolish you are,

playing this absurd game.

- [Voiceover] I can't
help thinking how foolish

she is climbing up that ladder.

- You have to let me talk to you please.

- [Voiceover] Hey, I can't
see my house from up here.

- People all the unhappiness you need to.

It's time you stopped.

- [Voiceover] I mean it's fun, but...

- You don't belong here you know.

Why don't you leave Tom and Meg alone

and go back?

What are you saying?

- [Voiceover] She's saying
watch that first step.

- I can't hear you.

- [Voiceover] On the 50 meter board.

- [Voiceover] Yeah, the
dog's downstairs checking

the Want Ads right now.

- What a fiend you are.

- [Voiceover] I hate
these one woman shows.

- You're not fooling me.

I know exactly what you are.

- [Voiceover] You're a
superstar, that's what you are.

(playing piano)

- [Voiceover] (singing)
Tormented, tormented, tormented,

tormented, tor-men-ted.

- [Voiceover] Oh, John Cage.

- Not fair.

You're getting the party,
presents, the husband.

I get nothing.

- Be nice to me peanut,
in two more days I'll be

a married woman and you'll miss me.

- I'll miss Tom more.

- Sandy.

- [Voiceover] Oh, what a
beautiful crystal chamber pod.

- How's my family?

- [Voiceover] Wrong family.

- Daddy.

- Am I too early or too late?

- I'm so happy you made it in time.

- You don't think I'd
let my daughter marry

without her favorite father
being around now do you?

- Well roll up your sleeves and pitch in,

the party's right after
tomorrow's rehearsal.

- Hi honey.

- [Voiceover] Do I live here?

- Where's the groom?

- [Voiceover] Where's my scotch?

- He's not feeling well.

- What's the matter with him?

- [Meg] He's been over working.

- [Voiceover] Are you a human?

- At the piano I suppose.

- Please don't start that again.

- It's bad enough to accept a musician

into this family, but a jazz musician

is asking too damn much.

- Why don't you go to bed dear?

You must be tired.

- [Voiceover] Yeah stay
there for 10 years.

- What's the matter with a jazz musician?

- Be still brat.

- Poor Tom.

- [Voiceover] I think
there's enough napkins there,

thank you.

- [Voiceover] Out for more napkins,

ran out of napkins, need lots of napkins.

- [Voiceover] Aw, this is where they make

Cape Cod potato chips, I
think I'll check it out.

- [Voiceover] Trick-or-Treat for Unicef.

- Hi.

- [Voiceover] She sounds like a seal.

- [Voiceover] Well she's like
the Gordon's Fishermen babies.

(banging)

- [Voiceover] Okay, I'll come back later.

Stupid hat tricks.

Hey, two years sobriety.

My name is Vi, I'm a schnauzer,
I belong to Tom Stewart.

- [Voiceover] What do you know, Vi's fixed

the windows and the railings.

- [Voiceover] You call a cab?

- You live here kid?

- [Voiceover] Just move away.

Don't make me use this thing.

- Can't you hear or something,
I asked if you lived here?

- In the lighthouse?

- No, on the island?

On the island?

- [Voiceover] Hey I'm just a little kid.

- Look kid I really don't care.

- [Voiceover] I'm a New York method actor,

give me a break.

- I'm looking for a
guy called Tom Stewart.

You know him?

- What do you want him for?

- [Voiceover] It's Lou Reed.

- He won 200 thou in a sweepstakes ticket

and I'm here to give him the money.

- I don't believe you.

- [Voiceover] Okay I'm from
a land of leprechauns dig?

- Do you know where he lives?

- [Voiceover] I seem to be
having a memory problem.

Grease my palm with a saw buck.

- [Voiceover] Fight or
flight, fight or flight.

- [Voiceover] I should have whacked him.

Speak to me oh magic pendent.

- [Voiceover] Aw gee, the
kid's singing like a bird.

- [Voiceover] Sessions
presents looking glass.

Brenda, you're a fine girl.

- What you looking for dad?

- [Voiceover] And the
colored girls go do, do, do.

- Oh wow, crazy pad.

- Aren't you lost buddy?

- Man this sure is.

- [Voiceover] Really, come on in.

Can I get you anything?

- Now wait a minute.

What is this?

- Look I don't want nothing from you dad,

I really don't.

She owes me a fin that's
all, and I thought it'd

be nice to have.

- [Voiceover] And the
colored girls go do, do, do.

- Don't sweat dad, I don't
want nothing from you.

She owes me a fin that's all.

- [Voiceover] In English
please, I don't dig with you

freaky lactose man.

- Wow, you sure have a nice pad, dad.

- Now look, I don't mean to be rude

but you either have to tell
me what you're talking about

or get out of here.

- The blonde, the one with the...

- [Voiceover] Buick?

- She owed me some bread that's all.

It's nothing to get bugged about.

What she does here is your business.

I can see you dig me dad.

Look, I motored this chick
Vi Mason over to the island,

I got a boat.

- [Voiceover] A gravy boat.

- Now when she asked me if I'd take her

well I say okay, but she
said she doesn't have

the change, this is what she said.

Okay, so we make a deal, five bucks over,

and five bucks back.

- [Voiceover] So you placed
the woman in your automobile?

- I haven't the faintest idea who or what

you're talking about.

- Look dad, all I want is the bread.

When she didn't show by morning I figured

I'd been had and I know she didn't go back

on the regular run because
I asked the putt putt chuck.

- [Voiceover] Look, no
hablo bead neck okay?

- Now I'm a real square dad.

I didn't remember the
name of the guy she said.

- [Voiceover] Did not.

- Today I remember, how do you like that?

Tom Stewart.

- [Voiceover] Murderer.

- That's the name of the guy she said

when we made the run.

So enough of this jazz dad.

Come on.

- I have to leave, get out.

- Well maybe I better wait
around til the chick shows.

- [Tom] You'll do nothing of the...

- [Voiceover] Kind, type, sort.

- All right.

Maybe it's worth the $5
just to get rid of you.

Here.

- There you go.

- [Voiceover] Five
bucks, I'm set for life.

- What you do is your business dad.

All I want is what's coming to me.

- [Voiceover] Well it was
nice meeting you Mr. Hep Cat

was it?

- [Voiceover] I'm coming
down the road wild man,

keep on trucking I think.

- [Voiceover] I think
the dog wants to eat.

- [Voiceover] Yeah I want an omelette,

they make a great one here.

- [Voiceover] Hey, you're Merit Stone,

that's Merit Stone.

- [Voiceover] Merit Stone?

- [Voiceover] Merit Stone.

- [Voiceover] Please, two
boiler makers and a gravy train

with a beer back bartender.

- [Voiceover] Ah, some light beach fair.

- There you are?

- Plenty of pickles?

- Yes, siree, plenty of pickle.

- [Voiceover] Hey we're dressed alike.

- [Voiceover] So how's
life in the merchant marine

little girl?

- [Voiceover] Here we
are, tumbler of scotch

and a menu.

Anything else?

- How are you Mrs. Ellis?

- Hello Mr. Nelson.

It's a very warm day.

I think I'll have something light.

- [Voiceover] Like pork ribs.

- Egg salad sandwich and a
glass of ice tea with lemon.

Don't like sugar in my
tea but plenty of lemon.

- Well how about a nice hamburger

or tuna fish salad?

- What's the matter with your eggs?

- Oh, there's nothing
the matter with them,

I just don't have any.

I've been out of eggs
for almost a week now.

Framer's hens just stopped laying.

It's a funny thing.

Nothing like this ever
happened before, except once.

About the time the Samuel's boy died.

- [Voiceover] Eh, eh, eh.

- Can I buy you a tuna fish salad?

- Just the ice tea.

- [Voiceover] Do you charge
extra for the plot point?

- [Voiceover] Aw, this
is real gone daddio.

- Hey dad, can I have a Coke?

- [Voiceover] Hey pops,
catch you on the ching chang.

- The harborers had to send
over to the mainland special

to get some eggs for their party.

Can't bake a cake without eggs.

- Speaking of the wedding
are you still there Sandy?

- Yes ma'am.

- Shouldn't you be at the rehearsal?

- Holy cow, change it Mr. Nelson.

- No Mr. Nelson, I wish I
could have my sight back,

long enough to see Tom and Meg marry.

They must be a lovely couple.

- [Voiceover] Lady, you're
scaring my customers.

- I'd give anything to see them.

- They're a handsome couple all right.

Tom Stewart's marrying a beautiful gal.

Nice as the family.

- [Voiceover] Tom Stewart.

- Hey dad, what did you
see the hand of the guy

getting spliced was?

- Tom Stewart.

Girl's name is Meg Hubbard.

- [Voiceover] This cat's
onto my hip lingo too quick.

I am out of here.

- And little Sandy will be standing here

to my right next to the bride.

- [Voiceover] It's not fair.

- And of course to her right
you'll be standing here.

The parent's will be in their pews...

- [Voiceover] And then
the milkman will enter

from the back.

- May I help you?

- Yeah, I want to speak to Tom Stewart.

- [Voiceover] Oh, ah,
ah, something about some

half and half for the wedding.

What, what do you want?

- [Voiceover] Hey really
gone wedding Papio.

Forgive me Tom for I have slanged.

- You're interrupting a
wedding rehearsal in there.

- Like I said dad, what
you do is your business.

I mean it's crazy with
me if you want to marry

one chick and keep another
one on the side for kicks,

wow, but I feel sort of a responsibility

seeing as how I brought
your broad over on my tug.

See what I mean?

- What are you driving at?

- Come on dad, don't you know?

- I gave you the money
you're after, what more

do you want?

- [Voiceover] Three more bucks.

- It seems that our deal is in
line for some renegotiation.

- [Meg] Tom, hurry, we're waiting for you.

- Yeah, go ahead back.

We'll pick it up later.

Time, I've got plenty of.

- [Voiceover] - [Voiceover]
Okay then, sorry I was

the wrong Tom Stewart.

Hope you find the right Tom Stewart.

- [Voiceover] Mistake.

- [Voiceover] Seems
like a really nice guy,

just wish he wasn't blackmailing me.

(upbeat music)

- [Voiceover] Not these
four to five Normandy

and waited in their beach houses.

(piano music)

- [Voiceover] Wait a
minute, he's pulling a shift

a his own party.

- Tomorrow night I'll be Mrs. Stewart.

Isn't that right Mr. Stewart?

I'll be right back.

- [Voiceover] Deviled eggs, no.

- [Voiceover] All right,
come on, you aren't paid

to mingle.

- I wanted to get a drink.

- Here, I'll get it for you.

Just one more number,
I want to show you off.

- [Voiceover] You played it for
her, you can play it for me.

(piano playing)

- [Voiceover] Hey, quit talking about me.

- [Voiceover] Oh, nice of
Edward Teller to drop by.

- [Voiceover] Well you know,
shouldn't wear buffalo checks,

no one should.

- [Voiceover] It's a jazz musician's party

and there's not one black person here.

- [Voiceover] I need booze, now.

- [Voiceover] Drink it, drink it all.

- Sorry I startled you Tom,
but candids are the best kind.

- I had my mouth open and my eyes closed.

- [Voiceover] What else is new?

- If you don't like it I can take another.

- No.

- [Voiceover] Photographs
do add 10 pounds.

- No this is fine.

- Are you sure?

- I'm sure.

- How do I look?

- [Voiceover] No darling,
you're really kind of

ugly in it.

- Get a drink.

- [Voiceover] I hate photo collage.

- [Voiceover] Just have
a bottle of ketchup here.

- Tom what's the matter with you?

- Nothing.

- It's only a picture,
why are you so upset?

- I'm not upset.

- Something's bothering you.

- [Voiceover] It's not as
if you've killed someone.

- [Voiceover] Shut up, shut up.

- It's another girl?

You can tell me, I'll
try not to be jealous.

- [Voiceover] Well okay,
there's a huge disembodied head

floating around your living room.

- It's just Vi.

She's dead, she doesn't
exist, she's a perfume,

she's a footprint, she's a hand,

she's a face in a picture.

Who could be jealous of Vi?

- You're talking crazy Tom.

Let me see the picture?

- No.

- You're not making any sense.

- [Voiceover] Look I'm a
musician, what do you want?

- It's her face between the two of us.

- [Voiceover] That's great Tom.

- I don't see anything.

- [Voiceover] Except for
a huge disembodied head.

- Except you and me.

- [Voiceover] And a dog named Eyo.

- [Voiceover] So who's Vi?

- [Voiceover] Uh-oh.

- [Voiceover] So a girl
named Vi, he didn't want

to tell me about her.

- Did you put out the lights?

- [Voiceover] Did you make tinkle?

- What's the matter?

- You don't look too happy.

You ought to be, you're
getting married tomorrow.

- [Voiceover] Ding dong the
bells are going to chime.

- I sometimes wonder the way
Tom's been acting lately.

- Anything Tom does is all right.

- He's perfect in your
eyes anyhow isn't he?

Don't worry Sandy, I love him.

- [Voiceover] But his touch repulses me.

- Every girl has a few last minute doubts.

- Because he's always
around the lighthouse.

- Because he imagines
things that aren't so.

- [Voiceover] Oh, like Macbeth.

- Everything will be all right.

It's late.

- [Voiceover] I'm going to
stay up and watch Arsenio.

- I'll get the window.

- [Voiceover] Oh hi Tom.

- There's a light up there.

I wonder who it could be.

- [Meg] A boy and a girl probably,

you wouldn't understand.

- [Voiceover] Try me.

- They used to go there to neck.

Not anymore, everybody says it's too cold

and damp and smelly.

- [Voiceover] How did
you know that about Tom?

- Does Tom go there with anybody

or does anybody meet him there?

- Now who's imagining things?

- [Voiceover] Now who's asking questions?

- Why that's probably only a
reflection of the moonlight

on a loose pane of glass.

- [Voiceover] Or the devil.

- [Voiceover] Sessions presents.

(singing) I write the songs
that make the something,

something.

- [Vi] Tom, Tom.

- [Voiceover] Vi, listen,
if you're going to haunt me

you haunt me on my terms.

(piano playing)

- [Vi] Tom?

- [Voiceover] Tom, play Freebird.

- Where are you?

- [Vi] I'm over here.

- [Voiceover] Okay, put
your hands behind you.

Now slowly put your wallet on the piano.

- Vi, where...

- [Voiceover] Vi, you've
lost a lot of weight.

- [Voiceover] Here let me
put a coaster under you.

- What do you want?

- [Voiceover] My body.

- I want you Tom.

I want to save you from your own mistake.

- My only mistake was in knowing you.

- And the only way you could correct it

was for me to die, wasn't it?

- It's not my fault you're dead.

- [Voiceover] You're in charge
of your own destiny sister.

- I couldn't have saved you.

- Couldn't you?

Maybe you can make yourself
believe that, but not me.

I was there, remember?

You had to shut me up
so you could marry, Meg.

You got away with it all right,

but now what are you going to do?

- [Voiceover] Ghostbusters.

- I'll never let you marry Meg.

You belong to me Tom.

You belong to a girl.

- [Voiceover] Can I get
you a beer or anything?

- You have to go from bad
to worse to keep it quiet.

- [Voiceover] They have
a nice hair stylist

in the after life.

- What would you do if
Meg gets wise to you?

Stop her the same way you stopped me?

- I didn't kill you Vi.

I never killed anybody and I never will

and once I'm married I'm going to live

a very happy, very normal life with Meg

and with our friends.

- [Voiceover] And your head.

- And there's really
nothing you can do about it.

- Isn't there?

You may have noticed I found my voice now.

I pick things up fast.

I'm going to use it to
tell the world about you.

I told you Tom, no one
will ever have you but me.

- Stop it Vi.

- Try and make me.

Tom Stewart killed me.

- [Voiceover] Tom Stewart killed me.

Everybody, Tom Stewart killed me.

Now just the ladies.

- Tom Stewart killed me.

- [Voiceover] Come on join in.

- Tom Stewart killed me.

- [Voiceover] Come on,
we're going bowling.

- [Vi] Tom Stewart killed
me, Tom Stewart killed me.

- [Voiceover] It's just
like Burton Fink now.

- [Voiceover] To-m,
Stewart, kil-led, me-e.

- [Voiceover] Hey nice
head, I'd say that's about

a four, five pound head.

- Don't be in such a
hurry dad, you're always

in a hurry, you shouldn't be like that.

- Give me that.

- I just want to talk to you chum,

a nice, friendly talk, that's all.

- Give me that.

- [Voiceover] And shazam,
well there's another trick

I can't do.

- [Voiceover] I got these for you.

- You look sick dad.

Something's wrong.

Look are you going to talk to me or not?

- [Voiceover] Quit picking your nose.

- Let's get this thing over with.

- [Voiceover] Okay I need
two quarts of two percent.

- [Voiceover] Milk extortion.

- What is it you want?

- Like I said dad, all I
want is what's coming to me.

You know, the way it
looks to me, we should be

sort of partners.

I help you and you help me.

- Hey Tom, Crow, do you
guys want to...(screaming).

- It works, hey Gypsy.

- Told you, we're downright terrifying.

Okay how about this,
Joel Robinson killed us,

Joel Robinson killed us.

- Joel Robinson killed us.

- Hey you guys?

What in the world happened over there?

I saw Gypsy running away like she'd seen

a ghost or something.

- That's probably because she did.

Joel Robinson killed us.

Joel Robinson killed us.

- Hey, hey, I did not.

- You did too.

- I did not.

- Then why are we dead?

- Well you're not dead and
you're certainly not ghosts

and even if you were
ghosts I wouldn't be afraid

of you because I've seen you this way

about a million times before.

- This time it's different Joel.

This time we really died
and now must spend eternity

tormenting the very man who gave us life.

- Tormented.

- To escape this heinous living hell,

you have only one option,
you must offer Gypsy to us

in a pagan earth ceremony which we hold

every Tuesday at eight.

- It's the only thing that
makes any sense any more.

- Yeah, well listen, you
guys aren't funny any more,

you deserve each other.

I'm going to take your
bodies and get going okay.

- Hey, Joel, we're sorry,
we're just having a little fun.

Joel, hey, don't turn the lights off.

It's the only thing that
makes sense any more.

That's what really made him mad you know.

- Oh, like he was going
along with the sacrifice idea

until then.

Face it Crow, we used poor
judgement, scared Gypsy,

irked Joel, and now we're
stuck here in the dark

with no bodies.

I'm not scared though.

- Me neither.

- I mean not one little bit.

- I know, Servo.

Servo?

Servo?

- I'm right here.

(yelling)

(upbeat music)

- I bring your play girl
over to the island...

- [Voiceover] Thanks for
our heads back, Joel.

- [Voiceover] Yeah, sorry.

- [Voiceover] It's okay.

- The word you're
reaching for is blackmail.

- That's not it at all dad,
we should be sort of pals.

I've done you a favor,
now you can do me one.

- In other words if I
don't pay you blackmail

you go to my fiancee and
expose my life of sin,

is that it?

- [Voiceover] Gee I was
just going to have you buy

me lunch.

- Nothing to prove dad,
but you gave me the idea.

- But it won't do you any good.

I'm not going to pay you one lousy cent.

In the first place I
don't know a girl named Vi

and even if I did, it
wouldn't do you any good

because unfortunately I'm
not sharing my cottage

with any one.

If it would make you
feel better, you can look

for yourself.

- That's not necessary dad, not at all.

You see I already have.

- Well then you know she's not here.

- Well yes and no.

You see when you were so eager to come up

with that five spot I
figured you were well,

anxious to keep everything so quiet like.

- [Voiceover] Welcome to
dialogue dumping ground.

- Well the story's getting
even better to read.

Now here comes the part I like the best.

- [Voiceover] Okay.

- I do a little snooping
when you're not around,

and what do you think?

- [Voiceover] I just
thought of a new jazz tune.

- [Voiceover] You still with me dad?

- Go on.

- You see that's the punch line.

- [Voiceover] There's your punch.

- That's the gimmick.

This doll Vi isn't hiding in your cottage

and she isn't any place else on the island

and she never left the island.

Now what do you suppose could have

happened to her, huh?

- You tell me.

- [Voiceover] I asked you first.

- Ah a comedian.

Uh-uh, you're the one that
has the rest of the answers.

- You know something,
everything you just said

is all bluff.

You don't know a damn thing.

- That's not friendly dad.

Not friendly at all in fact
I thought you'd take up

a wrong about me so I
sort of filed something.

- [Voiceover] Oh that's
the key to my heart.

- A friend of yours.

- [Voiceover] Gypsy's is trapping please.

- Let's get out of here.

- I can see that you finally dig me dad.

- [Voiceover] Hey wait
a minute, isn't that

Tom Stewart, Tom Stewart.

I forgot why I was coming this way.

- [Voiceover] What's my boyfriend's name?

- [Voiceover] Yeah, Gorm
Zegluster, we make fish sticks

the old fashioned way, we freeze them.

- What'd we come up here for?

- [Voiceover] So I can kill you Mr. Vonde.

- So that you and I can have a little talk

in peace and quiet.

- [Voiceover] I suggest you order the cod.

- Just what do you want?

- Five thou.

- [Voiceover] Sand dollars.

- Five thou?

- [Voiceover] Sand dollars.

- Don't tell me you don't
got, your future father-in-law

is loaded.

- [Vi] Tom, Tom.

- [Voiceover] Offer him 3,500.

- [Voiceover] Who are you talking to?

- [Voiceover] Sam.

- You didn't hear anything?

- I didn't hear anything,
I'm waiting to hear something

from you.

- [Voiceover] Okay I'll
sing Nights in White Satin.

- They're closing in on you Tom.

You better take care of him right now.

- No.

- That's your final answer?

- [Voiceover] How much did you wager?

All of it, oh I'm sorry.

- He's so easy, Tom.

Just as easy as I was.

- [Voiceover] I do believe in spooks,

I do believe in spooks, I do,
I do, I do believe in spooks.

- One good blow is all it takes.

- [Voiceover] So do I.

- You got rid of me but
you'll never get rid of him.

He'll bleed you of every penny Tom.

- [Voiceover] She's pretty
long-winded for a ghost.

- Will find out.

What if Meg finds out?

You can't let him do it
Tom, you'll lose everything.

- [Voiceover] The condo,
the car, and the vacation

to Puerta Vallarta.

- Look you've had enough time.

- [Voiceover] Put your
pencils down please.

- Do I get the money or don't I?

- Yeah Tom does he get paid?

- [Voiceover] To take Visa?

- No.

- All right, you know what's best.

See what your chick has to say about this.

- [Voiceover] No more yogurt.

- Now Tom.

- Wait.

- Change your mind?

- [Vi] Get him Tom.

- No.

- [Voiceover] Yes, no, yes, no, no.

Yes, the original dead milkman.

- [Voiceover] He'd dead Jim.

- [Voiceover] Either this
man is dead or my watch

has stopped.

- [Voiceover] At least he's tidy.

- [Voiceover] Tonight's episode
I've seen the best minds

of my generation murdered.

- [Voiceover] (singing) I
saw Tommy killing Bee Mare.

- [Voiceover] See that
the Rockford problem

was taken care of permanently.

- [Voiceover] Jim Hensen's witness babies.

Racket squad.

- [Voiceover] Oh, that's
where she left her shoes.

- [Voiceover] She's really
kind of flat, oh, oh.

- [Voiceover] Tom told me the
meaning of lost last night.

[Voiceover] Sandy come here.

- [Voiceover] Sandy, did you
hear your mother call you?

- What is it?

- [Voiceover] Stop whatever
you're doing and come here

at once.

- [Voiceover] I'm
harboring a horrible secret

which I'm supplementing
into my own conscious.

Mom?

Have you found my Kill Waldo books?

- Oh Sandy, we have to be
at the church in 20 minutes

and you're not even dressed yet.

- Never mind that now,
Meg snagged her hem.

Come and hold it while I take it up.

- You'll make a lovely wife Meg.

- [Voiceover] Paul Freeze.

- Thanks.

- Meg, do you really love him a whole lot?

- Why whatever makes you
ask a thing like that?

- [Voiceover] He's a
killer, he's a killer.

- Last night you said you weren't sure.

- Well I'm sure now.

You'll remember to take
the bouquet when I hand it

to you won't you?

- I'll remember.

- [Voiceover] If we're not all dead.

- Suppose he's done something awful bad.

- The way I feel now I'd
marry him no matter what.

- [Voiceover] Can you say denial?

- Don't forget, you stand close behind me,

but not too close.

There, that's done and
you young lady get into

your gown this instant.

- [Voiceover] I'm going
to wear my black dress.

People don't fear the reaper.

- Souther loaned us her ring in place of

the one you lost, so that's okay.

I've got the minister's
fee here in my pocket

and everything's under
control, so snap out of it.

- Okay, okay I'll be all right.

- And get that funeral look off your face.

This is a wedding man.

- [Voiceover] Come on let's swing.

- Cheer him up honey.

- [Voiceover] Kind of
like having Silvia Plath

cheer you up.

- [Voiceover] You can buy my silence Tom.

- That's a real pretty dress Sandy.

- You're really going to
marry my sister, aren't you?

- [Voiceover] Yep.

- Aw don't feel like that.

- I can't help it.

Suppose you love somebody,
somebody who did something bad

and only you knew, would
you keep it secret?

- [Voiceover] Why yes I would,
I would tuck it deep into

my sub-conscious.

- Good friends generally
try to stand by one another.

- But what if it were
something real, real bad?

- [Voiceover] Then keep
it real, real secret.

- Real bad like what?

- Murder.

(upbeat music)

- [Voiceover] (singing)
In a god de vita baby.

- [Voiceover] Comments roll,
tug boat coming through.

- [Voiceover] And once
again there is no smoking

in your metro dome.

- Dearly beloved.

- [Voiceover] And the rest of you.

- We have gathered together here.

- [Voiceover] And tucked there.

- In sake of God and in
the peace of his company

to join together this man...

- [Voiceover] And this victim.

- [Voiceover] They're
getting married in a nursing

home chapel.

- Which is an honorable
estate, instituted of God,

signifying unto us the mystical union

that is between Christ and his church.

Which holy estate finds
to dawn and beautified...

- [Voiceover] Quit
padding your part Pardre.

- First miracle that he
wrought and came out galloping.

- [Voiceover] Now suffering.

- And is commended to St.
Paul, to the honorable

among all men and therefore
is not by any to be entered

into unadvisedly.

- [Voiceover] They did
it, I do, I do, I do.

- [Voiceover] Discreetly,
advisedly, soberly, and in

the fear of God.

- [Voiceover] Hi murderer.

- Into this holy estate,
these two person's present

come now to be joined.

- [Voiceover] Hey a twister dress.

- [Voiceover] Right hand red.

- Not be joined together,
let him now speak

or else hereafter, forever.

- [Voiceover] Five thou
or I sing like a canary.

- [Voiceover] Elaine.

- [Voiceover] Are you on the bride's side

or the groom's side?

- [Voiceover] (singing)
Well I'll be damned,

here comes your ghost again.

- [Voiceover] Ew, BO.

- [Voiceover] BO.

- [Voiceover] Phew I'd
hate to have to sit next

to that ghost.

(screaming)

- [Voiceover] You paid 50 for that?

- [Voiceover] The masses
and let us go in peace.

Let's get out of here.

- [Voiceover] Reception to
follow at the lighthouse.

- [Voiceover] RSV, RIP.

- [Voiceover] Aw, he's
got to get the match books

and the napkins now.

- [Voiceover] There we go.

I'm getting married in the
morning, dum, dum, dum.

- [Voiceover] Thank you Vi,
just because you couldn't find

anything to wear to
the wedding didn't mean

you had to ruin it for everybody.

- [Voiceover] Open the
door for your mystery date.

- Vi?

I've come to tell you you've won.

- [Voiceover] And here's what you've won,

tell him Johnny.

- I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that.

I'm going away Vi and I'm not coming back.

- [Voiceover] I got a wife
and kids in Baltimore Jack.

- [Voiceover] Mom and
dad are going to send you

to military school.

- Vi, I'm running out on Meg.

I'm not coming back.

- [Voiceover] Sandy's
back and she's pissed.

- Sandy?

What are you doing here?

- [Voiceover] Favorite time.

- Why did you have to kill him?

- [Voiceover] Thomas Dewey.

- I knew something would
happen, I was against

the marriage from the beginning.

- [Voiceover] I'm leaving
for another 10 years.

- Let me help you with your gown dear.

- Don't bother mother, Sandy will help.

- Sandy, help your sister.

- [Voiceover] She's out interrogating Tom.

- [Meg] Where is Sandy?

- I thought she came home ahead of us.

- Well if she did, she's not here now.

- Wish you hadn't seen it Sandy.

Now I'm afraid you would tell everybody

and I don't know what to do.

- [Voiceover] I'm wearing a wire Tom.

- How can I be sure of that?

- Good friends protect each other.

- Yes, but sometimes they
can't help themselves,

things leak out.

Police hear about it, do
you know what would happen

if the police heard about this?

- [Voiceover] You're going to fry Stewart.

I'm not going to be there
when they flip the switch.

- Sandy.

- [Voiceover] You're going to
have to take the fall Sandy.

- Sandy, why did you have to see it?

- [Voiceover] Oh blame me.

- No, nobody could help
any of it except me.

I could have saved Vi,
I could have put my hand

out to her.

- [Voiceover] But the sun was in my eyes.

- Instead I killed her.

- [Voiceover] Sandy, how'd
you like to bungee jump

without the bungee?

- Sandy, you know I love
you very much, don't you?

- [Voiceover] Look Tom, I've got a friend

at the DA's office.

If I don't show up they open my lunch box.

- Thank you Reverend, she isn't there.

I can't imagine where she could have gone.

- [Voiceover] I checked every bar in town.

- Where's Tom?

The least he could do is
be here when Meg needs him.

- [Voiceover] Can't you leave him alone?

- [Voiceover] Just because
he ruined our lives.

- There's a light in the lighthouse.

- Sandy could be there.

She talks about the place all the time.

- [Voiceover] Hey how many
dalmations died for that dress?

- [Voiceover] 101.

- We'd better make sure.

- [Voiceover] After I knock
back a Rob Roy or three.

- Why are we going up there?

- That's where we can look at the sea?

You're not afraid of me are you?

- I never used to be.

- Come on then.

- [Voiceover] Alfred
Hithcock's Vertigo Babies.

- [Voiceover] This is one dark
mama jamma of a movie guys.

- [Voiceover] He better hurry up.

He's got to return that tux.

- When the moon shines, you
can see the whole island

from up here.

- [Voiceover] Look if I disappear
there's a crayon drawing

that will go to my lawyer.

- [Voiceover] Diahrrea is like
a storm raging inside you.

- You didn't tell anyone
we were coming up here,

did you?

- [Voiceover] Yes I did, I
papered the city with fliers.

- Good, good.

- Let's go back.

- You afraid?

- Yes.

- Sandy, Sandy, why
did you have to see it?

- [Voiceover] Because the
critics gave it a good review?

- [Vi] Tom.

- [Voiceover] Vi, this isn't a good time.

(yelling)

(screaming)

- [Voiceover] Sandy has
grown up a lot this week.

- [Voiceover] Thanks for
coming into our lives Tom.

- [Voiceover] So does
this make Meg a widow?

- [Voiceover] Yep, widow maker.

- [Voiceover] Yeah, it's technical.

- [Voiceover] Suddenly people live here.

- [Voiceover] Sessions
presents faces of death.

- [Voiceover] Oh stop it.

- [Voiceover] It's a keeper.

- [Voiceover] It's not Tom, its a woman.

- Where did you find her?

- Planted in the rocks.

She's been down there a week I say.

- [Voiceover] Rob, make him stop.

- [Voiceover] Sammy Khan is the doctor.

- Oh (crying).

- [Voiceover] He's cheating
on me even in death.

- [Voiceover] If you
could see what I hear.

- [Voiceover] I have been
equated with the night.

- Tom (crying).

- [Voiceover] I now
pronounce you man and death.

- [Voiceover] Charles Moffett.

- [Voiceover] Or is it, whoa?

- It's only a movie, it's only a movie.

- It's only a movie, it's
only a movie (crying).

- It's only a crappy
movie by Bert I Gordon

that he made to massage the market place.

- Simply nurturing ones basis instinct

in trying way too hard to be film.

- Geez Joel, I'm riding
such a major bummer,

I feel like I just spent a couple of hours

at Liquor Lyle's talking to Neil Young.

- Hey wait, I know what let's do.

Wait a minute guys.

We could think happy thoughts
and about good things

and those happy thoughts
and good things will shoo

away all those dark, smelly images

that are canerping for moisture.

- Oh, like the way sunshine
chases away clouds.

- Yeah.

- Like the way Lysol spray
erases bathroom odors

without heavy perfume.

- Yeah.

- And kills household germs
in empty garbage cans.

- Empty hampers, toilet
areas, under sinks,

pet areas, diaper pails, sick room.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Exactly, come on you guys.

(singing) Oh there's a marshmallow rainbow

waiting for you with
kitties and doggies too.

- (singing) And a Super Soaker 202.

And I just got $10 from grandma

and I don't have to share it with no one.

- (singing) And we all get
to go to the Valley High

Drive in our pajamas
and watch the Star Wars

triple feature dusk to dawn.

- (singing) And my dad just
became really good friends

with Mike Connors of Man and
he's got the triple decker

tree house and I'll swing down on my vine

to my own zoo.

- (singing) I'm having Linnie
Land dinners for breakfast

and King Vitamin for dinner.

And the Good Humor truck
rolled over in front of

my house too.

- (singing) And I'm left in the world of

Super Mario Brothers
and we captured Rummel

and gave him to the president
and he gave me my own

half hour sitcom following Cheers.

- (singing) And there's
no such things as girls.

- Oh wait I think you
want to think about that.

What do you think sirs?

- (singing) And Mr. Doctor
Clayton Forester will switch

trains at the train yard
and there will be a horrible

accident for which Dr.
Forester will be blamed,

posthumously of course.

And then the robots and I will become

really good friends and
we'll be roommates with

triple bunk beds and we
will stay up all night

talking about really cool
stuff and they'll think

I'm really neat.

And then I'll invite them over to my house

and we'll camp out and poopie.

(peaceful music)

- Tom Stewart killed me,
Tom Stewart killed me.

- [Voiceover] This has
been a presentation from

Comedy Central.