Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 4, Episode 7 - Daddy-O - full transcript

♪ In the not too
distant future ♪

♪ Next Sunday A D

♪ There was a guy named Joel

♪ Not too different
from you or me ♪

♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute ♪

♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit ♪

♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place ♪

♪ But his bosses
didn't like him ♪

♪ So they shot him into space

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst we can
find la la la ♪

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor
his mind la la la ♪

♪ Now keep in mind
Joel can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end la la la ♪

♪ Because he used
those special parts ♪

♪ To make his robot friends

[whirs]

- [Robot Voice] Robot
Roll Call, let's go.

Cambot!
- Pan left.

- Gypsy.
- Hi, girl.

- Tom Servo!
- Ooga ooga.

- Crow, he's a wise cracker.

♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science
facts la la la ♪

♪ Then repeat to yourself
it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000 ♪

- So, I heard that the
guys down at Aqua Brace

are planning a cut and run on
ConGlomCo's central division.

- That's what she said.

[laughter]

- Oh fun.
- Oh, that's great.

- Hi, everybody.

Welcome to Saddo
Love Industries.

My name is Joel Robinson.

I think you know my associates,
Tom Servo and the Crowster.

- Hello.
- We're doing what

any good marketing mad
dog should first thing

in the morning, hangin'
around the water cooler

and tellin' tales outta school.

Hey, here comes the new girl.

- Oh, hi fellas.

- [Robots] Who was that?

- That's Gypsy.

She works in financial.
[wolf whistles]

- Well, I'm in love
again. [laughs]

I love, love, love it.

- Oh, darn it, Tom, you fall
in love every Monday morning.

- Get a grip on yourself, man.

- Yeah, get a grip.
- And you're not much better.

- Don't I know, but it's the
smell of copy machine toner

and Whiteout that
makes my soul soar.

I'm a man in love.

- [Female Robot] Commercial
sign in five, four, three, two,

commercial sign now.

- [All] Say!

[upbeat music]

- And then the other guy says
that was my brother-in-law

and the whole family is
sick about it. [laughs]

It's sick.

- Well, what do you think, J R?

- I like it.

It's not funny in the
least, but I like it.

You know, there's not a
single man in my organization

that'll tell that
kind of lousy joke.

Oh, the mads are comin'.

- Here comes the steam shovel.

Mmm, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug.

Open, there you
go, there you go.

Who's a good boy, yes you are.

Yes, you are, yes, yes, yes.

Ooh, big steam
shovel, here it comes.

Oh yes, oh yes.

Little on there.

There you go, there you go.

There you go, a little bit more.

What is it, what do you see?

What are you-

Oh, Joel, it's you.

Why don't you go ahead with
your invention exchange.

I've got to put the
little Dickens down.

- Okay, well, since you have
a new addition to the family,

I thought this would
come in useful.

It's an air freshener mobile.

You see, it's got bright
colored air freshers

that hang from strings.

They stimulate
baby's tiny brain.

While the movement of the mobile
activates charcoal filters,

covering up the foul odor of
baby's chetcher, kaka, popo,

nimbus, BM, and poopies.

- Nimbus?
- Chetcher?

- Nimbus.

- Uh huh.
Ah, neat.

[hums]

- The hell is chetcher?

- Shh, shh, shh.

- Who's a sleepy boo?

Frank, come in here
and look at the guy.

He's so cute when he sleeps.

- What is this hideous
thing you've put on my baby?

What have you done,
what have you done?

- Frank, relax.

It's my invention
this week, Joel.

It's the alien teething nook.

To baby, it's a
satisfying nipple.

To onlookers, it's a
terrifying alien face hugger.

Why don't you tell Joel

about the experiment
this week, Frank?

- I like it.

Well, Joel, Daddy-O is
the movie you'll see,

but first here's one for
baby and me. [laughs]

- I'll get it.

[buzzes]
[yells]

- [Crow] Hey, it's a White
Castle hamburgers film.

- [Joel] Wow, does this
mean where it's too cold

to go out for recess?

♪ Alphabet antics, alphabet
antics, alphabet antics ♪

♪ Alphabet antics,
alphabet antics ♪

- [Narrator] Let's have
fun with alphabet blocks

and do some tricks.

- [Crow] I never had any
toys when I was a kid.

- [Narrator] A is for airplane.

- [Tom] Oh great, I just
know I'm gonna sit next

to one of those people.

- [Narrator] And
cows that say moo.

- [Joel] Must be coach class.

- [Narrator] And sometimes
a cute little piggy or two.

- [Tom] But now you have to
call 'em flight attendants.

- [Narrator] I would like to
fly in a plane, wouldn't you?

- [Joel] Yes, the
modern aircraft,

unsurpassed in its
service to lifestyle.

- [Narrator] B is for boat,
a boat that can float.

- [Tom] A boat full of
guys dressed up like goats.

- [Narrator] And to show that
they know what a pleasure

it is just to be in a boat.

- [Joel] Looks like more
like B is for back problem.

- [Tom] Bootsy Collins.

- [Crow] That looks like
the Harvard sculling team.

- [Narrator] C is for cat.

Cute little cat.

- [Tom] Tortured cats.

- [Narrator] Cutest
little kittens ever seen.

- Kitty.
- A cat can wear a funny hat.

A cat can dress up
like a little queen.

- [Joel] If you're into
that sort of thing.

- [Narrator] And Tom cats
and Sally cats, pussy cats

and alley cats with silky
tails and nice, soft paws.

- [Tom] It's evil.

- [Narrator] Like Santa Claus.

- [Crow] Oh, do go on.

- [Narrator] D is for dancing.

See the children dancing?
- [Tom] Get off my toe.

- [Narrator] That's the way
they dance way up in Iceland.

- [Crow] D is for
damned, as in village of.

- [Narrator] Iceland looks
like such a nice land.

- [Joel] Hey, Marsha, wanna go
get a Bosco after the dance?

- [Tom] You will
dance with me, Eva.

- [Crow] Cassie!

- [Joel] You know, I
don't get to do as much

Icelandic dancing as I'd like.

- [Narrator] E is for
elephants all in a row.

Bigger than anything
else that can grow.

- [Crow] E is for
electrodes to prod them on.

- [Narrator] His trunk is
like a great, long nose

that's bigger than a fire hose.

- [Joel] It's the Republican
National Convention.

- [Narrator] Elephants
have babies too,

but even the babies
are bigger than you.

- [Tom] Okay now, cough.

[Tom yells]

- [Narrator] F is for fun.

Fun in the sun.

Fun in the school yard
when classes are done.

- [Joel] Fun on the hot slide
when you burn your buns.

- [Narrator] It's fun when
the sun makes pleasant weather

so all the children
can play together.

Can he ride the pony,
prisoners base, hopscotch,

sliding, paper chase, tag
you're it, and run, Chief, run.

- [Crow] And unsafe
toys for everyone.

- [Joel] You know, I never
had that much fun as a kid.

- [Tom] Nobody did.

It's a child farm.

- [Crow] Oh my goodness.

- [Narrator] G is
for the big giraffe.

Gee what a giant it is.

- [Crow] I want a Clark Bar.

- [Narrator] When the big
giraffe gets a pain in the neck,

what a pain that pain must be.

- [Tom] And how
happy that makes me.

- [Narrator] H is for Holland.

Sweet little Holland.

Home of the windmills
and tulips and such.

- [Joel] And no
child labor laws.

- [Narrator] Known
as the Netherlands.

No wonder the Dutch
love their home so much.

They say the Dutch wear
shoes that are made of wood,

and it's true.

They say the Dutch make
cheese that is very good,

and it's true.

- [Crow] It'll plug you
up for an hour or two.

- [Narrator] Holland is a
happy place with a happy race.

- [Tom] Watch out, there's
a huge, shapely woman

lounging next to the boat.

- [Narrator] I is for in.

A little word that
means an awful lot.

- [Joel] I is for Ike.

He hides inside.

- [Narrator] When
he's in, he's in.

He's out when he's not.

- [Crow] Ooh, deep.

- [Tom] So is he in there too?

- [Narrator] J is
for jumping a fence.

J is for jumping a wall.

J is for the jump, but
B's for the bump you get

when you jump and you fall.

- [Crow] And you break your
back, neck, pelvis, and all.

- [Narrator] K is for
kite that sails so high.

- [Tom] With big scary
faces and scrawny kids.

- [Narrator] They're
kites like birds

and kites like sails.

There are kites with faces
and kites with tails.

- Whoa!
- Oh, whoa, whoa!

- [Narrator] K is for
kids who love to fly them.

And here is a papa
who loves to buy them.

- [Crow] That kid is huge.

- [Narrator] L is for large.

The large balloon-

- [Crow] Elvis has
ordered an ice cream cone.

- [Narrator]
They're nice to see,

especially when you don't
have to blow them up.

- [Joel] And there's Elvis now.

- [Tom] It looks
like Charles Durning.

- [Crow] And here
comes Louie Anderson.

- [Narrator] M is for
the marching men in
uniform and braid.

- [Crow] M is for
the military machine.

- [Narrator] M is
for the many kids

who cheer them on parade.

- [Tom] When you put your
hand in a bunch of goo

that a month before was
your best friend's face,

you'll know what to do.

- [Narrator] N is
for nursery stories.

- [Crow] N is for float.

- [Narrator] Told
to the children and
it's sleepyhead time.

You hear them at night when
you're drowsy and yawning.

And then-

- [Tom] Hey, there's a warthog
and his name is Peanut.

- [Crow] Hey, Peanut.

- [Narrator] It's morning.

- [Joel] Hey, it's David
Dukes atop that goose.

- [Narrator] O is for once.

- [Crow] Once, O is for once?

What, was there a
writer's strike?

- [Narrator] To pull
the farmer's plow.

- [Crow] So he was whipped
and beaten and battered about.

- [Tom] I am beat.

I can't put up a fight anymore.

- [Narrator] The
elephant showed him how.

- [Crow] O is for the
obscene treatment of animals.

- [Narrator] The
camel showed him how.

- [Crow] That's a
normal plow animal.

- [Joel] P is for PETA,
who's boycotting this,

and this, and this.

- [Narrator] See how the
farmer is chasing him now.

P is for the pool
that makes you cool

when you're a hot hippopotamus.

- [Crow] It's Tom and Roseanne.

- [Narrator] You know it's a
rule on the top of the pool,

but he also can
rest on the bottom.

- [Tom] Hey buddy, hey buddy.

I'm gonna go get a beer.

- [Narrator] Q is for
the queer, queer pelican

whose beak can hold more
than it had been belly-can.

- [Joel] P is for
plagiarism from Ogden Nash.

- [Narrator] If this is true,

he probably thinks
the same of you.

- [Crow] But he's got a
brain like a chickpea.

- [Narrator] R is for ribbons.

Ribbons that deck the May
poles, riddling, floating,

- Hey!
- Free and clear.

- These are all boys.
- May's so nice

it should come twice
- Wait a minute

- Instead of once in every year.

- [Joel] Hey, there's Jack
Klugman and Tony Randall.

- [Narrator] S is for
squirrels drinking milk.

- [Crow] And biting
the heads off shrews.

- [Narrator] Fur like silk.

- [Tom] Diseases like rabies.

- [Crow] Ooh hoo,
that's good stuff.

- [Narrator] T is for
trying terribly hard

to drink from the
clothesline in the yard.

- [Crow] T is for tormented,
tortured, and teased.

- [Tom] Hey, what do you
have to do to get a drink

around here, dress like a bear
and stand on your hind legs?

- [Narrator] U is for up.

Balloons go up, planes
go up, and so do kites.

- [Crow] U is for upchuck
that comes from balloons.

- [Narrator] Do I dare go up?

- [Joel] Boy is she ever high.

- [Narrator] V is for
vegetables, corn and squash,

peppers and beans and
succotash, carrots,

celery and tomatoes.

Also, naturally,
mashed potatoes.

- [Crow] Hey, feel rabbity.

- I have to pee.
- Hey.

- [Tom] Well, he is.

- [Narrator] In your
garden, plant a seed.

Carefully hunt out every weed.

- [Crow] It's the Georgia
juvenile correction system.

- [Narrator] You will
find a vegetable plate.

- [Crow] Get outta
here, I'm working.

- [Narrator] W is for
walking two by two.

Trees can't walk and
stones can't walk,

but little children do.

And every day to school you go

to learn the things
you ought to know,

but please, dear children,
don't forget you already know.

- [Tom] I hate my
job, I hate my job.

- [Narrator] Then after
walking, you advance to learning

how to do a dance.

- [Robots] Help us, help us!

- [Narrator] X is for X-mas.

Merry Christmas.
- X is for

existential dilemma.

- [Narrator] When Santa Claus
comes in his big red sleigh,

bringing lots of games and
toys to good little girls

and good little boys.
- Come on everybody,

enjoy the buffet.

- [Narrator] Y is for
young, and Y is for you.

At a wonderful age
when the world is new

and every sky is clear and blue

and the summer days
are never through.

Y is for young.

So Y is for you.

- [Tom] Get it?

- [Crow] Yeah well, Y is for
Yani, as far as I'm concerned.

- [Joel] Y is the chemical
symbol for heavy metals

that the fish is full of.

Check it out.

- [Narrator] Z is for
zebra, remarkable site,

has white stripes on black,

or is it black stripes on white?

The zebra makes a youthful pet

and he finished up the alphabet.

- [Tom] I hope we've touched
you with a little bit

of our evilness.

[upbeat music]

Daddy-O.

- Must be Harry-O's father.

- [Joel] Or Wendy-O's dad maybe.

- [Crow] Hey, Contino for
fine Italian food at its best.

- [Tom] Central High's
marching band plays

beat movie favorites.

- [Joel] Do you know if
the stars in this show

are so unimportant, just
think how these people feel.

- I bet.
- That'd be awful.

- [Tom] Oh, I bet Firestone
Tires financed this.

- [Joel] Oh no, John Williams
before he heard Stravinsky.

My kid's Stravinsky.

- [Tom] Hey, you're goin'
over the center line.

- [Joel] And introducing Martin
Tuber as Mr. Potato Head.

- [Tom] He's fried.

- [Crow] Elmer C Rhoden, Jr.

I think we've all enjoyed Elmer
and his fine glue products.

- [Tom] Hey, do you want
to go over to Lou's place?

- [Joel] You're 11. [laughs]

- [Tom] I know one
thing, I live my life.

- [Crow] I think this is
Dual Two, the truckers story.

- [Tom] Turn it up.

Oh, wow, in a love
scene already?

- [Crow] It hurts,
it really hurts.

- [Tom] That felt good.

[horn honks]
Oh, well,

maybe this is the
Jane Mansfield story.

- [Joel] Look out
for the playground.

It's Dean Jones and Buddy
Hackett in the Love Bug.

- [Crow] Aw fun, come on Muffin.

[Joel] All right,
Broderick, out of the car.

- You touch me and I'll
split your head open.

- You crazy little idiot.

- [Tom] Hey, Mr. Douglas.

- What's the matter, lady?

- She shouldn't be on
the highway, that's
what's the matter.

- I asked her, pal.

- He ran me off.

- Yeah, and if you
were a man, baby,

I'd knock your teeth out.

- He's been following
me for the last hour.

Trying to pick me up, I guess.
- [Crow] Is that a rake?

- Are you kiddin'?

She almost caused a
three-car pile-up back there

passing me on a blind hill.

- That's a lie.

The first time I saw
him, he drove alongside,

blowing his horn and smiling.

- Man, you oughta be ashamed.

- He's been bothering me-

- [Crow] I'm losing, aren't I?
- For the last half hour.

- Big operator.

Come on, you guys, she
coulda pulled away from me

in two seconds with that car.

- [Joel] Yeah, but
she was delirious

from the smell of bleach.

- Sure, little lady.

- [Tom] Hey, check
out my electric hat.

- He ain't gonna bother ya none.

[speaks in foreign language]

- What did he say?

- [Crow] He said he doesn't
need np stinkin' badge.

- Thanks.

- Listen, doll.

You're gonna kill somebody
drivin' like that.

- [Tom] Thanks.

- [Crow] So long now.

Happy boarder.

- You're a big help.

- Go back to your
Rolls Royce, Romeo.

- [Crow] Say, are
those Chic jeans?

- Next time, try and get
someone you can handle.

[dog barks]
- Come on, Mac.

- [Crow] I'm comin', I'm
comin'. This time I drive.

- [Tom] Ooh, a water slide.

- [Joel] No, I don't think so.

- [Crow] Today's youth, hopped
up on crack, crystal meth,

formaldehyde processed
opium, tar heroin and pomade.

- [Tom] It's a
middle-aged teenager.

- [Crow] Hi, gang.

Here's a gesture for ya, hi.

- [Tom] Hey, count all
the midriff bulges.

- What do ya say?
- Hey man, how's it goin'?

- What's happening people?

- Things are movin'.

- That's what I like to hear.

Hey Barney, give
me a beer, will ya?

- Only one?
- Yeah, one.

Things really
swingin' tonight, huh?

- [Joel] Yeah, if ya
stay here long enough,

you might see somebody's knees.

- Hey, you're not
with it tonight, man.

- [Man] He hasn't
said a word all night.

- [Tom] All I can think
of is death, death, man.

- Hey, is your mom okay?

- She's okay.

- I thought maybe she was-
- She's fine.

- [Crow] Jeez, dad.

- Well then what's the
matter with you, buddy?

- [Crow] My mother's a Saint.

- Just don't feel good.

- Sick?
- No.

- [Crow] Got a stummy ache?

- I know what's the
matter with him,

he just needs a little
medicine, that's all.

Hey Barney, give us
another, will ya?

- [Crow] Hey, Barney,
give me a 30 count

of 200 milligram Tagamet.

- [Tom] Excuse me, pardon me,
coming through, pregnant lady.

Oh, look I'm spilling
up, spilling.

Look out, oh.
- [Joel] Hey, check it out.

It's Los Lobos with
Steve Allen on bass.

- [Tom] Stick around, we
got karaoke comin' up next.

- How's it goin', man?

- Oh, fair.

- Hey, maestro.

That music's pretty bad.

- Man, you wouldn't know
a beat if you heard one.

- [Crow] Back off, man.

- Thanks, Barney.

- [Crow] For nothin'.

- Wow.

- [Tom] Stretch pants, say!

- I know that chick.

I know that chick.

- [Tom] It's your
sister, ya dolt.

- You keep your mind on momma.

- [Crow] Oh, momma.

- Over this way.

- [Crow] She could go home
and cinch her waist more.

- Want you to meet an old
pal of mine, Jana Ryan.

Played at a party her
place last, when was it?

- May.

- Yeah, last May.

Jan, this is a Peg Lawrence.

- Hi.

- Ugly guy next to
her is Duke Mann.

- Thanks, thanks a lot.

- Hi, Duke.

- This is Sonny DeMarco.

- [Joel] He's kinda
screwy inside.

- And last and
least, Phil Sandifer.

- I've already met Phil.

- [Guy] You have?

- [Tom] Phil, wake
up, camera's on.

- My underpaid,
underprivileged musicians

- Underpants.
- stagger up here.

- [Crow] Stand alone.

- Now on behalf of Mr. Barney
Waters, our friendly, smiling-

- [Crow] No!

- Whoa, kitties.

- [Tom] Meow, meow.

- He's a sensitive
man, easily hurt.

I see Phil Sandifer is
honoring us with his presence.

How 'bout a song from
old Daddy-O himself.

- Go on, your singing can't be
any worse than your driving.

Daddy-O.

- [Crow] You haven't heard
my singing yet, honey-O.

[audience applauds]

- [Joel] Hey, it's
Captain Kangaroo

and Mr. Green
Jeans out clubbing.

♪ Sweeter than
cherry, boysenberry ♪

♪ Sweeter than coffee,
English coffee ♪

♪ Sweeter than jam, candy jam

- [Tom] He's singin' the
left side of the menu.

- [Crow] You know
you'd look great

in a dancing bear costume,
I don't mind telling you.

♪ So rock candy baby

♪ That's what I call my chick

♪ Oh rock candy baby, sweeter
than a licorice stick ♪

- [Tom] She's having
second thoughts.

♪ Like a lollipop, when
can I get one taste ♪

♪ I don't wanna stop

♪ Oh rock candy baby

♪ That's what I call my dream

♪ Oh rock candy baby

- [Crow] Why not a
neck tie to be seen?

Where's our country going?

♪ Rock rock rock candy baby

♪ Rock rock rock candy baby

♪ Rock rock rock candy baby

♪ Rock candy baby you're mine

- [Tom] Well, 9:30, everybody.

That's curfew, let's go.

- [Joel] What is that, grease
up there on the ceiling?

- [Tom] Grease is the word.

♪ Oh rock candy baby

♪ I really love her so

- [Crow] Oh, he's really
generous, isn't he?

♪ Oh rock candy baby

♪ Sweetest little gal I know

[yells]

- [Tom] They're taping
roller coaster here.

- [Joel] That kid's crazy,
he's blowin' nuts, man.

- [Crow] What, you mean
out of the saxophone?

- Yeah.
- Blowin' nuts?

♪ Rock rock rock candy baby

♪ Rock rock rock candy baby

♪ Rock rock rock candy baby

♪ Rock candy baby you're mine

- [Crow] Am I rock candy?

♪ Sweeter than
cherry, boysenberry ♪

♪ Sweeter than coffee

♪ English coffee
- I'm getting hungry.

- Yeah, well now he's singing

about the continental breakfast.

♪ Rock candy baby you're mine

♪ Rock rock rock candy baby

♪ Rock rock rock candy baby

- [Joel] You know, I
don't think this song

is endorsed by the ADA.

- No.
- I don't think so.

- [Crow] Here's
the lyric I wrote.

♪ Rock rock rock candy baby

- Not now.

We'll have him for a time later.

- [Crow] Now let's have
some of that rock candy.

♪ Rock rock rock candy baby

♪ Please please please
end the song now ♪

♪ Please please please
end the song now ♪

♪ Rock candy baby you're mine

♪ Rock candy baby
- You know this

♪ You're mine
is inspirational, guys.

Let's get outta here.

♪ Rock candy baby you're mine

- [Joel] You know, I
think we talked over

the only Dick Contino
song in the whole movie.

- [Tom] Hey, fix
your belt, Dick.

- Hey, everybody, do
the pants up song.

♪ Dad 'n Lad, Farrahs,
Levis, Bugle Boys ♪

♪ Sans-a-Belt, Chinos,
Haggar, Ban-Rol, ♪

♪ Arnold Palmer, Wrangler,
Johnny Carson, Huskies ♪

♪ No pants are
higher than mine ♪

- Ha, ho, look out,
here, touch this.

♪ Hike up your britches
super high now ♪

♪ Cut off the circulation
to your thighs now ♪

♪ Yank your trousers higher
than Corey Haim's oh wow ♪

♪ 'Cause it ain't hip 'til
you're in total pain ♪

♪ Hike up your pants
'til you see your shins ♪

♪ Wear an Izod shirt
like a second skin ♪

♪ Make sure you wear your
belt buckle to the side ♪

♪ Hike up your pants take
your butt cheeks for a ride ♪

♪ Hike hike hike
up your Chinos ♪

♪ Hike hike hike
up your Farrahs ♪

♪ Hike hike hike
up your Haggars ♪

♪ Hike up your
britches like mine ♪

- Take it, Frank.

♪ Hike hike hike
hike your pants up ♪

♪ Hike hike hike with
the thing in the ♪

♪ Hike hike hike
with the football ♪

♪ Hike hike

- Take it, doctor.

- I'm not taking
anything, Frank.

Here, I can take these.

And you, pants weasel,
get on with it.

♪ Hike hike hike your pants up

Zip it, Frank.

♪ Hike hike hike hike
up your Ban-Rols ♪

♪ Hike hike hike
up your Roebucks ♪

♪ Hike hike hike up
your Toughskins ♪

♪ Hike up your
britches like mine ha ♪

♪ Hike up your
britches like mine ha ♪

♪ Hike up your
britches like mine ha ♪

Oh yeah, look out.

♪ Hike up my
britches like mine ♪

Jump back, kiss myself!

♪ Hike up your
britches like mine ♪

- I can't come
back, I don't know.

Joe, Joe, commercial time.

Snap out of it, buddy.
- Oh no, he's paper locked.

Hit the button, Crow.

Hit the button.
- I'll get it.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, very nice, Phil.

- [Tom] You okay now, Joel?

- [Joel] Yeah, that was fun.

- Of course, I
think you bored her.

- Amused was more like it.

- [Crow] [growls]
Lurch like girl.

- Let's get a little exercise.

- [Tom] [laughs] Crazy kids.

- I don't think she likes me.

- Why should she?

You insulted her.

- I did?

- That's right, by insulting me.

- [Joel] And by insulting me,
you insult all men everywhere.

- I think you have talent.

It's just that I
think it'll be a while

before you catch up to Frankie.

- The singer,
where does he work?

- He's a truck driver.

How do I know?

- [Crow] It's supposed
to be good for ya.

- Sure, why not?

- [Tom] Die, death.

Hold the Coke.

- [Crow] Some enchanted evening.

- [Joel] What, what,
you comin' on to me?

- I don't like the way
you're holdin' me, Phil.

- I bet you don't, baby.

- Look, the high school
crush won't work with me.

- [Joel] Oh then how
'bout a half Nelson?

- Camera lock.

- I'm not kidding.

- Oh, sophisticated type, huh?

Really been around.

- Enough to know what
you've got on your mind.

- [Joel] Yeah, like
six handfuls of Pomade.

- Come on, and then throw
it right back in their face.

- [Joel] Oh, like
a monkey I will.

- You kill me, baby.

- [Crow] Not yet, honey.

- I'm glad.

Look, I think
we'll sit this one.

- [Crow] Better cowl down.

- [Joel] Yeah, I'm
gonna do some lap pulls.

- Now wait a minute, doll,
let me straighten you out.

You read like an open book.

I knew what you were
when I laid eyes on you.

- Really?

- So when you go around
flirtin' with truck drivers.

and come into a joint like this.

- [Crow] Okay now, whose
breasts are bigger here?

- [Joel] Hey.

- Finished?

- Yeah.

- [Crow] I can get
this kind of abuse

at the Kennedy mansion.

- I go where I want
and I do what I want,

and it's none of
your damn business.

- [Tom] You got me.

- Dance, doll?

- I'd love to.

- [Crow] Maybe he should've
shaved his arms before tonight.

- [Tom] Like my hair?

I just mowed it.

- It was a swanky part of town.

What a pad.

Then her old man's got
more dough than Jack Benny.

- [Joel] They must sitting
in the slang section.

- Yeah, a real square affair,
you know, soft drinks,

sandwiches, that jazz.

- [Crow] That's a deli.

- Thanks, Johnny.

- Let me know if you
change your mind.

- [Tom] No, I don't
want a flat top.

- Be careful of
that one, sweetie.

He's too eager.

- Don't worry, I
got the message.

- What's the matter with
you, Phil, letting her dance

with a character like that?

- He's mad at me.

- How come?

- Beats me.

- Oh, he does?

I'm the one that should be
mad after the way he shoved me

off the highway today.

He must've learned from
a correspondence school.

- Are you serious?

Phil's got a drawer full
of drag race trophies.

He was a stunt driver in
a carnival when he was 15.

- Well I'm just a
girl and I'll race him

any time, any place.

- Careful, sweetie,
you're on thin ice.

- Well how 'bout it?

- Go on, Phil,
she's asking for it.

- Well, how about
it Barney Oldfield?

Right now, tonight.

- You can race to the park and
the finish line'll be Nick's.

And the loser has
to buy the pizza.

- Woo.
- Holy cow.

- You can have all those nice
hairpin turns to yourself.

- Suits me.
- Phil?

- Go ahead, teach her a lesson.

- I don't think there's
anything he could teach me.

- [Tom] Oh yeah?

What about trig or calculus
fire trainer cobalt?

- Let's make it.

- [Joel] You mean they
have to build their cars,

like a soapbox derby?

- Look, I'll be along later.

- How come?

- I gotta make a call,
see if my mom's all right.

- [Crow] At the mortuary.

- Go ahead, we'll wait for you.

- No, I'm gonna have
to go home for awhile.

- Okay.

See ya at Nick's, huh?

- Phil.

- [Tom] We're all gonna
die alone and afraid.

- Yeah.
- Hold on to this for me.

- [Joel] You know,
I'm kind of screwed up

and anything can happen to me.

- [Crow] I'd like a good smoke.

- Where's Sonny?

- [Crow] It's Cher.

- Sonny comin' man?

- Yeah, he'll be along later.

- Let's cut out.

- Yeah, crazy.

- Now is that Brian
Dennehy or Charles Durning?

- JJ This is a job
for Super Teen.

I think I know where
I can find him.

- [Crow] Teen-Mobile on.

I've gotta get into
the Teen-Mobile.

Zit guns set for high.

- [Joel] Hey, it's Cannon.

- [Tom] You can't walk out on
me, I'm Charles Foster Kane.

[tires screech]

- [Crow] Now we see Tom McHale
test a '53 Ford Victoria

and it really performs.

- [Tom] It's a big, bulky car.

You see, it doesn't matter
how slow I go, I'll cut ya.

My son's the editor.

- [Crow] Hey, it's a Sunday
night NBC mystery movie.

- What is going on?
- Who is that?

- [Joel] Wait a minute.

- [Crow] Whoa, the
cut-away caught fire.

Now on the border of
Czechoslovakia and East Germany.

- [Tom] Ha, cute little
clown car. [laughs]

Cute.

- I'll get the gate.

- [Tom] Vandals.

- [Crow] Let's go vandals.

Whoa.

- They're young.

- Do you know your
way through, Jana?

- Blindfolded.
- [Crow] Well, so be it.

- You can still cancel out.
- Ask him.

- Okay, just don't forget
this run isn't banked.

- It takes more
skill than speed.

- When you get to the fork,
go either left or right.

Both of them wind up-

- I've been through
here 1,000 times.

How 'bout the other gate?

- We'll take the highway around,

have it open before
you get there.

- Anything goes, Daddy-O.

- Ooh, that hurt.

- [Crow] You sound like Marlena
Dietrich all of a sudden.

- You ready, Jana?

Phil?

- [Tom] John Frankenheimer
directs Race for the Pizza.

- [Joel] Paul Newman
and Tom cruise

in The Color of Days of Thunder.

The car, Christine or Herbie.

- [Tom] I like mine
with thin crust.

- [Joel] Just like Ben Hur.

- [Crow] I like
mine Chicago style.

- I ain't buyin' no pizza.

- [Joel] Ooh, wait a minute.

How'd he get on that side of
her, Tyco change-up track?

- [Tom] Huh?

- Hey, hold it, you.

Hey, come back here.

- [Crow] Here, have some gum.

- Where you goin', kid?
- [Tom] Kid, I'm an adult.

Like I'm only 43 and everything.

[adventure music]

- [Crow] Gotham city, 14 miles.

- [Joel] Cutaway.

- [Crow] Cutaway.

- [Tom] Cutaway.

♪ Cutaway chase game cutaway

- [Joel] Ah, stuffed
pizza and crazy bread.

- [Tom] Pizza, pizza.

[brakes screech]

- He should be here
any second now.

- [Crow] Our pert little racer's
wearing a wool, gabardine,

slack and kicky modified trench.

She's a real Deuce Coupe.

- Hi.

- [Joel] Danny Thomas.

- I just don't believe it.

- [Tom] The things I can
do with my Spirograph.

- Where'd you pass him?

- Just after the start.

- No one's ever beaten
him through there before.

- [Crow] Well, no
one else has these.

- He had engine trouble.

- He had trouble all right.

- [Tom] Me.

There!

- [Crow] Piece of British crap.

[mumbles]

And a chili pepper to burn my
gut, and order cheese bread.

She's gonna do it.

- [Tom] Pizza's here. [laughs]

- I'm telling ya, baby.

If you were a man, I'd
knock your head off.

- You said that once before.

- Ran me off.

- What do you mean?
- The road?

- [Tom] No, just ran me off.

- This maniac here forced
me onto a dirt road.

- Like I said, anything goes.

- Cole Porter.
- You didn't wreck your car?

- No, but I almost
hit a night watchman.

- [Man] You mean the old
guy with the station wagon?

- That's right.

He was comin' up that dirt road.

I bet he jumped right out
of his winter underwear.

- Very funny.

If he got my license
number, I've had it.

- Aw, relax pal.

He's probably so scared,

he doesn't even
remember his own name.

- [Crow] Carl, my name's Carl.

- But I got his license number.

[upbeat music]

- [Crow] A pancake,
no, we ordered pizza.

- Later, baby?

- Okay.

- [Tom] I'll get the syrup.

- I don't know about the
rest of you gourmets,

but I could go for another one.

- I'm buying.

Come on, don't be a bad sport.

- Can't you leave him
alone, he's upset.

- It's tough enough
losing the race.

I don't want him to
go home hungry too.

- [Joel] Yeah, and besides that.

- [Crow] Cops, it's filmed
on location 20 years ago.

- [Tom] Hey, you're facing
the wrong way for the driving.

- Give me your attention please.

- [Crow] My name's Phil
and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Phil.
- Hi, Phil.

- Who owns the blue sports
job out there, HGN227?

- Right here.
- Step out here, will ya.

- [Tom] Oh, this Walkman
works really well.

- [Joel] Well, we usually
beat you up right here,

but there's a camera on so
you'll have to get in back.

- [Tom] I'll ride in
the back with him, Andy.

I want, want a donut?

Just kidding, a
little cop humor.

- What?
- Oh, no, no, no.

- [Crow] 7:15, Gannon and
I headed back downtown.

De bunco.

- Okay, what's the charge?

- [Tom] Al Bundy?

- Destruction of property,
trespassing, reckless driving,

hit and run, and manslaughter.

- Hit and run and manslaughter?

- [Crow] Oh, that was
just me getting nuts,

I'll change that.

- Wait a minute, what
are you talkin' about,

hit and run and manslaughter?

- The accident you
had in the park.

Remember?

- What accident?

Where?

- The car you sideswiped
on Canyon Road.

A kid died in that wreck?

- Sideswiped?

What car?

What are you talking about?

- '49 For blue coupe.

Kid's name was-

- [Crow] James Dean?

- Leonard DeMarco.

- [Tom] Hey, I got a
felt pen by that name.

- [Crow] DeMarco?

- Sonny?

- [Joel] Dad!
- Dead?

- [Cop] Police examination
having found your vehicle free

from scratches, dents,
or damage of any kind,

upholds your plea of not guilty
to charges four and five:

hit and run and manslaughter.

- [Crow] Is he talkin'
to the narrator?

- As for charge
one, two, and three:

destruction of city
property, trespassing,

and reckless driving.
- Look, I know all that.

The judge read it to me, okay?

- [Tom] Do I get the job or not?

- Just wanted to make
sure you understood.

- [Radio] Cancel your prowler
call, 12 and 15 have handled.

- [Joel] So you enjoy Adam 12?

- [Radio] 379 M.

- Put a guy on probation,

take away his driver's
license, understood.

- He could've made it a
lot worse on you, Phil.

I'd say you were pretty lucky.

- Lucky?
- Look at his shirt.

You call this lucky?

- Look, Mr. Wooster, my best
friend was buried this morning.

Yesterday I lost my job.

I can't drive a car for
a whole stinkin' year.

- [Crow] Uh huh, and?

- I'm sorry about
the DeMarco kid.

Close, huh?

- Some guys have got brothers.

I had Sonny.

- Where are your folks, Phil?

- I ran away when I was 14.

The old man and old lady didn't
even bother to look for me.

- Well, I'll let
you in on something.

I ran away when I was 15.

- [Crow] Does that
tell you anything?

- So what?

- I understand you
work for a carnival?

- Yeah.

- [Tom] Yeah, I bit
the heads off chickens.

- Daredevil driving act.

I didn't have much
sense in those days.

- Is that why you
drive like an idiot?

- What are you talking about?

I know what I can do and I
know what that car can do.

I've never been in an accident.

I've never caused one.

- Yeah, I know Phil.

You're a real fine driver,
but what about a job?

- [Crow] Does that tickle?

- I don't know.

I don't have a driver's license.

The law fixed that.

- Well see what you can find.

You can't get anything by next
week, I'll give you a hand.

- [Crow] Not a job, just a hand.

I have your friend's
hand in the drawer.

- Can I go now?

- Unless you want some coffee.

- [Tom] I'll get the cream.

- Phil?

- Yeah.

- Anytime you need me.

- [Crow] I'll be this big.

- I'm here.

- [Tom] You know, Phil,
I know a wiener man.

He owns a hot dog stand.

You know, he gives me
everything from wieners on down.

- What are you
gonna do now, man?

- [Crow] Oh, smoke.

- I dunno, I haven't even
given it much thought.

- Why don't you try Barney? He
might give you a job singin'.

- Yeah.

Hey, Duke.

Where does that
crazy chick live?

- Francis Farmer?
- Who, Jana?

- Yeah, Jana.

- I didn't think you'd be
so anxious to see her again.

- [Crow] Well, I need
my ice pick back.

- Remember when I told
you I took the right fork

during the race?

- Yeah.

- [Joel] Well I actually
used a salad fork.

It's kinda dumb.
- In the mountain there's

a place on top, a
place where you can see

almost all the way down.

- Aw, man, every
lover knows that.

- Yeah, but when I was
up there and looked down,

I didn't see
anybody ahead of me.

That means that Jana took
the left fork, right?

- [Tom] Left, right.

- Third base.
- Third base.

- Sonny was killed
on the left fork.

- [Crow] Let's go there now.

[melancholy music]

- That's it.

Nice little chicken coup, huh?

- Thanks, Duke.
[Crow squawks]

- [Joel] Isn't that where
Darren and Samantha live?

- Hey, Sherlock.

She's a better girl
than you think she is.

- Sure.
- Thank you, Watson.

- [Crow] Hey, wait,
that's his ride.

Means I have to walk.

[suspenseful music]

- [Joel] Yeah, sure, make
yourself at home, boy.

- [Tom] Nah, just gonna
do a little tinkering.

Gonna putz around
a little, you know.

- [Crow] I hate all of
you, you inanimate objects.

You mock me by your silence.

- [Joel] Come on, I can take ya.

- [Tom] It's a George
Barris custom car kit.

- [Crow] You're my best
friend in the world.

No one understands me.

[door bangs]

- [Tom] Oh, you've
lost, oh that's the mom.

- Trying to find out what
makes it run so fast?

- [Joel] Yeah, what does that?

- You ran Sonny DeMarco
off the road, didn't ya?

Ran him off just
like you did me.

- Want some?

[thuds]

- I hate Granny Smith's.
- I want an answer.

- He was still at the
gardens when we left.

- There's a shortcut
to Canyon Road.

He must have gotten
there ahead of you.

- If your friend had too much
to drink, don't blame me.

- That's a new headlight,
and that's touch up paint.

Now admit it.

- Leave me alone or
I'll call the police.

- [Crow] No, my
head's not an apple.

- You admit you killed Sonny.

- I almost ran off myself,
smashed my headlight.

- You liar!

- If I forced him off,

my right fender
would've been smashed.

- You're right.

- Now kiss me.
- I'm sorry.

- [Tom] I'll have
that apple now.

- All I want's coffee.

- Two coffees,
black, huh, honey.

- [Tom] Thanks, mom.

Nice caboose.

What am I saying?

- I gotta check somethin'.

- What?

- My check.
- This.

- What is it?

- I don't know.

Sonny gave it to me
just before the race.

- [Crow] I think it was
the key to his heart.

- Looks ordinary enough.

- [Tom] Ah, here's Peggy
Lee with the coffee.

- [Joel] She's a tramp.

- Yeah, that's the trouble.

- With Tribbles?

- Do you really think
somebody did it on purpose?

- You saw the skid marks.

- [Crow] On my underwear.

- That's it, come on.

- He didn't say one word the
whole time I was at the table.

- Sonny wasn't meek, baby.

He was scared.
- Real scared.

- Plenty scared.

- What kind of scared?
- I went to his house

that day and I found that, oh,
oh, this isn't a flashback.

Sorry.

- [Tom] What is it?

- Where were you? Did
you leave the iron on?

- Did you see Sonny's mother?

- Yeah, the nurse only
let me see her for

about five minutes.

- What about the key?

- Says it belongs
to his gym locker.

Jana, I think we're
onto something.

- [Tom] Well would you
let the audience in on it?

- She asked me if I knew about
a bank account Sonny opened

in her name.

A bank account for 5,000 skins.

- [Crow] Oh, he was a trapper.

- [Joel] Check it out.

Bruce's gym and church.

- [Tom] Oh, I see, it's
a secretarial school.

- Can I help you, bud?

- Yeah, I gotta get
somethin' out of a locker.

- Nobody but members
is allowed back there.

- [Joel] Hey, it's Joe Cocker.

- Well look, a buddy of mine
died and his mother asked me

to clean out his locker.

- Yeah?

What's his name?

- [Crow] Or why can't
he do it himself?

- DeMarco, Leonard DeMarco.

- [Tom] I can see
through your clothes now.

- I never heard
nothin' about it.

- Well, anyway, he
had an auto accident.

Now can I get his stuff?

- I'll take care of it.

- I got his key right here.

- Couldn't help you
if I wanted to, fella.

Gym policy.

- Oh, come on, mac,
only take five minutes.

- Look, fella, I'm busy.

Now hand over the key,
I'll take care of it later.

- I'll just keep it
until you do, Jack.

- [Joel] Jack, fella?

- [Crow] Say those pants
are kinda high, aren't they?

- Let's have it, fella.

- Sure.

- [Crow] Thanks, come again.

[upbeat music]

- Come on, Joel, hurry up.

- Okay, do you know
your way through, Jana?

- Blindfolded.

- You can cancel.

- Ask him.

- All right, Cambot,
roll that race footage.

On your marks, get set, go!

[car motors roar]

[yells]

Darn fool kids.

[yells]

- Comin' up to the car.

- Okay, and now you both
win a delicious pizza.

- Wait, where's Joel?

Oh no, we've killed him.

- Joel Robinson dead at 31.

- I was just kiddin', you guys.

[alarm buzzes]
[everyone yells]

- [Crow] Boy, good thing
we were thrown clear

of those cars, huh?

- Don't you think
we better wait.

There may be someone there.

- Look, we might
even be too late now.

- How you gonna get
in without a key?

- With this?

That's what this is for.

Now give me the flashlight
and get back in the car.

- I'm going with you.

- I said get back in the car.

- You leave me here and I won't
be here when you get back.

- [Tom] Hey, remember
what he did to the apple.

- All right, come on, bull head.

- [Crow] Dickweed.

- [Joel] I don't think
we're ever gonna find

any night crawlers.

- [Crow] Keep it on my ankle.

- [Joel] Would you please.
[metal clangs]

[suspenseful music]

♪ Dum dum dum dum
dum dum dum dum ♪

- [Tom] This place must have
a wood-burning Nautilus.

- [Crow] All that
lumber back there.

- [Joel] Got to think.

Must try to think,
but too stupid.

- [Tom] Well, back to
cat burglar school.

- [Crow] All right, Sonny's
mom asked me to clean out

his locker and that's
just what I intend to do.

Come on.

- [Joel] Yeah, I like to watch.

- [Tom] It helps if you hop.

- This must be it.

- [Crow] Yep, just as I
thought, nitrogen-filled,

double-glazed, triple-pane
Andersen Windows.

This should be easy.

- [Joel] I think we can
squeeze through there.

You go first.

- Give me some light.

- [Tom] Ow, that's
my nose, ow, oh.

Hey, it's the Sunday
mystery movie out there.

- [Crow] That's it.

In you Pixies come
through the window.

- [Joel] Bruce's Gym,
now with three full

pieces of equipment.

- [Tom] On my
ankle, like I said.

- [Crow] Hey, nice
rattle collection.

[Bell rings]
- Oh, don't ring

the bike bell.

- [Bruce] Bruce's Gym.

- [Tom] Hey it's the
reporter from Citizen Cane.

- [Bruce] We're closed now.

Drop by tomorrow morning.

I said tomorrow morning.

- [Crow] Come in
through the window.

I'll leave it open.

- [Joel] Let's make
shadow puppets together.

- [Tom] They came in through

the bathroom
window, didn't they?

- [Crow] Protected
by a silver spoon.

- [Tom] Quick under the barbell.

- [Crow] Quick, get
into the coin slot.

- It's too obvious.

The boy wasn't intelligent
enough to choose the obvious.

- Maybe.

- I don't know why you
couldn't have done it

by yourself.
- Give me that.

- The shower.

- [Joel] Oh,
Daddy-O, you're such-

- 209, instead of
waiting for me.

- I wanted you here
when I opened it.

- [Crow] You think you're funny.

- Who's going to take it?

It's not possible you
think I don't trust you.

- [Bruce] Just wanted
you here, that's all.

- I assure you, if I
didn't trust you 100%.

- I'd trust you 60%.
- I wouldn't even

have considered you
for this operation.

- [Tom] I need an operation.

- Hey, you know the rules
about smoking in here.

Smoke of the cigar, it's
like exotic perfume compared

with the air in here.

- [Crow] Hey, I'm in there.

Oh no, that's me here.

- [Tom] Let's see,
jockstrap, another jockstrap.

- Nothin' yet.
This guy really

liked jockstraps.

- Wait a minute.

- [Crow] It's my brain.

Found it.

- [Chillis] Well, the
joke's on me, isn't it?

- You think nobody
has a brain, but you.

- Quite to the contrary, Bruce.

I'm the first to bow
to superior intellect.

It's just that I very rarely
encounter it. [laughs]

- [Tom] Well, you Schneidered
me on that one boss.

You shaved ol' Bruce.

[Bruce] Hold it, I
wanna get that shower.

- [Chillis] Make it fast.

I can't stand the odor
in here much longer.

Want the lights?
- Yeah.

- [Tom] Would you
scratch my ear.

- [Bruce] Nevermind, I got it.
- [Chillis] I guess with you,

it doesn't make any difference.

You can probably see
just as well in the dark.

- [Crow] Yep, got
me again, boss.

Yep, you did.

- [Joel] Hey, let's shower in
our clothes just for a Lark.

[Crow] Geez, it smells
like a locker room.

Oh, it is.

[dramatic music]

- [Tom] A teddy, a
jock, a side of beef,

Annette Funicello poster?

Edgar Allen Poe poetry.

- [Crow] Oh no, he
died of jock itch.

- Whatever it was, we missed it.

- [Tom] Return to Papyon.

- [Crow] A surgeon
general warning.

- [Tom] Hey that's
from Catalina Caper.

- [Joel] This is great.

We're having an adventure,
just like the Goonies.

- I wish we knew what they
took out of that locker.

- Maybe if we knew that,
we'd know why Sonny's dead.

- You think they're the ones?

- I don't know.

I don't know.

But ever since he joined this
gym, he seemed to change.

- Yeah, he got bulkier.
- Changed how?

- Well, he had
something on his mind.

- Water.
- Somethin' that was

really buggin' him.

Whenever I'd ask him
about it, he'd clam up.

- Maybe it was
because of his mother.

- [Tom] Hey, his
mother was a Saint.

- That's what I figured too.

But now.

- [Tom] Yeah?

- [Phil] I wonder.

- What, what?

- [Crow] Hey, put on
Dude Looks Like a Lady.

I love that.

All right, I'll have the pork
rind ball to lie down with

and a diet Coke, please.

- Did you ask him?

- Ask who what?

- Ask Barney about
a job, what else?

- No.

- Well, let's try now.

Hey, Barney.
- Google.

- Barney, how'd you like
to double your business?

- No thanks.
- What's the joke?

- No joke.

All you have to do
is hire Phil here,

and I'll personally guarantee
that within a month's time,

your business'll be doubled.

- Hire him as what?

- Well, as a singer, what else?

- He's lucky I let
him in here to sing.

- Don't worry, laughin'
boy, it won't happen again.

- Take it easy, Phil.

- Forget it.

- Excuse me.

I'm Sydney Chillis.

I'd like to talk with you.

May I buy you a drink?

- I'm in a hurry, Mac.

- It might be worth your while.

- [Crow] A clue, a clue, a clue.

That's a clue.
- Yeah.

- [Crow] Wow, I'm my own
Saturday night thing.

- [Tom] It's a
drive-up stud service.

- You Phil Sandifer?

- [Crow] You Lou Reed?

- Yeah, that's right.

- Marsha Hay, Mr.
Chillis' manicurist.

- [Tom] It's real.

I've seen these, they're nice.

You're a lucky woman.

- I guess he must
pay pretty well.

- It's not mine.

Belongs to Mr. Chillis.

He lets me use it for errands.

Get in.

- [Joel] Wanted, manicurist
for an evil slob.

- All righty.
- Photo a must.

- [Tom] Ooh, these
seats are hot.

- So you're the new singer.

- [Crow] Yep, Isaac
Basher, the singer.

- I didn't say I'd take it yet.

- I hope you do.

- [Joel] Because I want
you to go on and on.

- [Crow] They make
love on the highways.

Love on the byways.

Love in the streets. [laughs]

[swanky music]

- [Crow] Boy, they went all
out for this grand opening.

- [Joel] See, you put one
foot in front of the other

and then you're
walking in the door.

- I call 'em stairs.
- Yeah.

- [Tom] Now I know
this is bad luck,

but you're already in the movie.

- This'll all be finished
by tomorrow night.

Wait here a second.

- Beetle Bailey,
what's he up to now?

- Bring the singer?

- Yeah, where's Sydney.

- Where do you think?

- All right to go in?

- You modest?

- [Crow] What do you think?

- Sydney, singer's here.

- [Crow] What, are they
in a double-wide trailer?

- [Tom] Hi, still here.

- Get him outta here.

- Toga, toga.
- Get him outta here.

- Toga, toga.
- Calm down.

He's having one of his fits.
What on earth is wrong?

- That kid out there,
he's the one who come in

about DeMarco's locker.

- So?
- But he had the key.

Maybe he knew-

- Come over here and
start on my back.

- [Tom] And get me my
Filipino house boy.

- Now, Bruce, you don't
think for a minute

I'd blunder
haphazardly into this.

I've done some
checking on this boy.

He was a friend of Leonard's,
a very close friend.

So you see, it's only natural
he'd want to clean out

the boy's locker.

- Yeah, but suppose
he sees me here.

- He's going to see you.

- But he'll get wise to every-
- Keep working.

You've over-stimulated
your heart.

- And grossed us all out.
- I don't want you

standing around.

You're my personal masseur.

Who's a more logical
candidate for that position,

but a gym manager.

And suppose, just
suppose he is suspicious.

What a better place to
have him than right here

under our noses.

Easy, Bruce, your little
tantrum was all for nothing.

- [Tom] He's basting in butter.

- [Bruce] It's okay,
he's your responsibility.

- Of course he's
my responsibility.

- [Joel] I promise to
feed him twice a day

and take him for walks.

- Unless we have someone
to make the deliveries,

we're out of business.

Unfortunately I don't have
the stomach for that sort of

thing, and you
don't have the eyes.

- [Crow] You got me.

- Bruce, let's be honest.

- This movie sucks.
- Neither of us

can carry a tune. [laughs]

- [Tom] Oh yeah, that too.

- Okay, handsome.

- Okay.

- You smell like
Captain Kangaroo.

- [Joel] Come in, Jedidiah,
pour yourself some Paul Masson.

- Sorry to keep you
waiting, Philip.

I was in the middle
of a steam bath.

- That's all right.

- No it's not, it's
downright rude.

I hope you will forgive me.

Now let's see.

You know Marsha.

The gentlemen on the chair
is Mr. Green, my masseur.

- We've met.

- Oh, you have?

- You're the one who came in
about the DeMarco kid's locker.

- [Tom] Yeah, and you're
the one who can't see beyond

his nose.
- That's right, I'm the one.

- Friend of his was
enrolled in the gym.

Doin' real fine too.

Had an auto accident.

- I certainly hope it
wasn't anything serious.

- He died.

- My condolences.

What can you say in a
situation like this?

Words are so meaningless.

- [Crow] I'd like to
say a really bad joke.

- Well, what do you
think of my club?

- [Crow] Foot.

- I think it's very nice.

- I put in a great
deal of thought into
making the High Note

an inducement for our
young people to gather

for wholesome fun and music.

- And evil.
- Now look, Mr. Chillis.

You know my problem.

I'm on probation,
no driver's license.

I explained that last night.

- Indeed, you did.

Just, as I promised, I've
come up with a solution.

- [Joel] And we'll inject
it straight into your head.

- I've got something
interesting to show you.

- [Tom] Something festive.

- [Chillis] Come along.

- [Tom] Yeah, we're meeting
Peter Lawford for dinner.

- The bartender at
the Rainbow Gardens,

he told me you've earned all
kinds of honors racing cars.

- Well yeah, I won a few drags.

- That's why I think you'll
appreciate what I have

to show you.

Well, what do you think of it?

- [Joel] It's a tiny
statue of Saint Francis.

- You're kiddin'?

- Wait, my boy, never
jump at conclusions.

Open the hood.

Go ahead.

- Oh my God!
- Oh that's terrible!

- An espresso machine?
- That's fantastic!

- Well, a house like this
needs expert driving.

- Wanna bet I could handle her?

- I'm sure you could.

- [Tom] Have you ever
thought about being evil?

I mean really evil?

- Oh, what's the
use Mr. Chillis?

Why are we even talkin'
about a job out here?

- Come along to my office.

- [Crow] Let's eat.

You like butter?

- I think this is
private enough.

- [Crow] Let's eat some butter,

gobs of butter, big handfuls.

- What's this?

- It's made of butter.
- Imitation, of course,

But a very good one.

- I don't understand.

- Phillip, I find your
talent exceptional.

- [Tom] And attractive.

- Instinct tells me
you're just what I need

to make this club a success.

- [Crow] You and drink specials.

- You serious?

- Quite serious.

In this business, success and
failure are often measured

by such details
as who's singing.

- [Joel] And whose
trust you're wearing.

- I've been in it
long enough to know.

- You really think
I'm that good?

- Good enough to offer,
in addition to the salary

I quoted last night, that car
I showed you and this license.

- [Tom] And big heaping
handfuls of butter.

- Suppose if somebody recognizes
me, you'd be taking a risk.

- Any business
venture involves risk.

- [Crow] Learned that at Harvard
Business School, you know.

It's true.

- I'll take it on one condition.

- Name it.

You hire The Combo from
Rainbow Gardens to back me up.

- Agreed, my friend.

- [Tom] The driver is
either missing or he's-

Remember that one?

- [Joel] Oh, that's a callback.

- Hi.
- [Crow] No, I wish I was.

- Where'd you get the car?

- I won it, in a Turkey raffle.

- [Joel] Wow, you
must be really smart.

- I thought you weren't
supposed to be driving?

- I'm not, I'm walkin'.

- [Joel] Oh, how you do that?

- Where you going?
- [Crow] What are you doing?

Why?

- Home.

- [Tom] Do you live around here?

Do you like cheese
or pancakes, bacon?

Well, what's your favorite?

Do you like the names
of lots of fish?

- [Joel] Hey, it's the
Honeymooners' apartment.

- [Crow] I think it's
the Pigeon sisters.

- Hi.
- Is this your room?

- Go away, will ya?

- Are you good at sports?
- I wanna talk to you.

- Oh no you don't.

- You wouldn't want the police
to know you were out driving.

- Naked.
- Woo.

- [Joel] Well, you little minx.

This is my room,
pretty much, come on.

- Hey, you do have trophies.

- [Tom] Hey, my Epilady.

- Yeah, I do have trophies.

Now what do you want?

I'm tired.

- Well, maybe I
wanted to apologize.

Okay, you're free to go.
- Is that all?

- Well, I was out
driving tonight and

I wanted to be here

with you.

- [Tom] You big slab of man you

- [Joel] One more
trophy, I guess, fellas.

- So remember, baby, no
one can know who I am

or where I went.

- Oh yes, Superman.
- Even Duke and Peg.

- Or Potsie.
- Can't you say

you were just working out there?

You wouldn't have
to explain why.

- Oh no, the more people know
about it, the more chance

it has to getting back
to my probation officer.

Man, if that happens,
the game's over.

- Game over, man.
- What about Ken?

- Well, I saw him tonight.

He says he'll help.

Said the boys'll keep
their mouths shut.

They even thought of
a new name for me.

- Name?

- Well, yeah, I can't take
a chance with my real name.

- Well, clue me.

Who are you now?

- [Crow] Otto von
Cheese Biscuit.

- Daddy-O.

- Daddy-O?
- That'd make

a neat movie title.

- You know what?

I'm beginning to like that name.

[upbeat music]

[dance music]
- Wow.

These are the rowdiest group
of youth since Altamont.

- [Joel] Hey, is that a
Claes Oldenburg amoeba

up there on the wall?

[applause]

- Gracias, gracias.

Glad to have you all aboard.
- Gracias?

- Isn't this is
a swingin' place?

- No.
- No.

Can we put our play
clothes on now?

- I think is the most.

Here he is, Daddy-O.

[crowd applauds]
- Hey Daddy-O,

can I have the keys
to the car, yo?

- [Joel] Man, this
club's electric.

- [Crow] This is goin'
out to both of you

out there in the audience.

♪ Angela why do you put on

♪ Angela I could tell everyone

♪ It's a fact
♪ It's a big ol' surprise

♪ You got the devil
in your eyes ♪

- [Joel] And that hurts.

- Smokin'!
- She does look like

Lou Reed from the Transformer.

Now I get it.

♪ You're Angela

- [Crow] Oh, there's that
Dudley Do-Right smile again.

♪ Don't break my heart

- [Joel] I'm breaking
my own heart.

♪ You're just the devil

- [Crow] I will have him.

♪ It's the devil in your eyes

♪ Your new love will find
out like all the others ♪

♪ How quick you are

- [Crow] Vic Damone
is on the phone.

He'd like his sound back.

♪ I want to be around
when he discovers ♪

♪ America ooooh

♪ What broke my heart

♪ Breakin' my heart
by the ventricles ♪

- [Tom] Why couldn't this
guy be on the plane instead

of Buddy Holly?

- [Joel] That guy's got a
patent leather head, I think.

- [Crow] Over there, that guy?

- [Tom] He's singin'
this to his dead friend.

Some people have brothers.

He had Sonny.

- [Crow] It looks
like he has TMJ too.

- [Tom] Or PB Max.

- [Joel] I will
devour him, I will.

♪ Angela
♪ Like a sock on his face

♪ While no one in
the garden stands ♪

♪ And so is she

- [Joel] Hey look, it's
Buster Keaton on guitar.

- [Crow] Drunk Cat Theater.

♪ Angela

Mr. Buddy Love.

[audience applauds]

- [Joel] Thank you, I'm
doing an oil and lube service

in the parking lot afterwards.

Feel free to bring
your drinks outside.

- I don't know if you know this,

but that's Lori from
Velvet Underground.

- Went out for a smoke.

Spied it on the lot.

- You sure it's hers.

- See for yourself?

- Hold it, honey.

- [Crow] No, I'm
really gonna kill her

even if she isn't a man.

- [Tom] Hey, a lamp.

- Hey, what do you
think you're doin'?

- I'll kill ya.

[guys hoot]
- You saw what he did.

- Yes, I saw.

Now relax.

You're welcome in here
at any time, my boy,

but I'm a little disappointed
you didn't knock.

- [Tom] Or bring any butter.

- Get your clothes
and get outta here.

- But these are my clothes.
- You know each other?

- Go on, get out, Jana.

- Would someone
please enlighten me?

Do you two know each other?

- Just the kid who's
been bothering me.

- [Joel] She's the barmaid
in the Honky Tonk downstairs.

- I shoulda known.

- Why is he agitation, Phillip?

There's nothing horrible
about being a cigarette girl.

- [Tom] Yeah, my brother's one.

- You comin'?

- Get lost, Daddy-O.

- [Joel] Wow, she
musta just read

Codependent No More, I guess.

- [Tom] Well there, I'm lost.

- [Crow] Hey, it's
the Kronos Quartet.

♪ Smile you got a
Blatz brew comin' ♪

♪ The heartiest heartiest
flavor in the land ♪

- [Joel] Sheldon Leonard.

- [Tom] They suck?

[audience applauds]

For you, for you.

- [Joel] Time to
prove my manhood.

Check this out.

- [Crow] Here, hold this.

- [Tom] No, that's
the candle, look out!

[gulps]
Oh, paraffin.

- [Joel] Oh, he's an
alcoholic and I love him.

♪ I'll kiss you at the movies

♪ I'll kiss you in the thigh

♪ I won't kiss you
on the kneecaps ♪

♪ Kiss you at the bar

- [Crow] Oh, look at that set.

It looks like he's going
to beam up any minute.

- [Tom] I wish he would.

Here comes the cancer girl.

♪ Like a bee in a honeycomb

[buzzes]

- [Joel] I think
she's vogue-ing, yeah.

♪ I'll hug you at the market

♪ I wanna hug you
in the street ♪

♪ I won't hug you
any place at all ♪

♪ Where people butcher meat

♪ Just wait'll I
get you home, baby ♪

♪ Wait'll I get you home
- I hope he doesn't

live with his folks.

♪ I'll hold you tight

♪ Gonna buzz all night
like a bee in a honeycomb ♪

- [Joel] That sounds grisly.

- [Crow] That doesn't sound
like any fun. I don't get it.

[yells]

- [Joel] Look at
her nostrils, whoa.

Batter one.

Better two.

- [Crow] Hey bird lives, man.

[dance music]

- [Tom] It looks like
he's holdin' a bottle

of Tabasco sauce, doesn't he?

- He does.
- He is hot.

♪ Where folks can get a glance

♪ I won't kiss you
at the movies ♪

- [Crow] Good hand change there.

♪ I won't kiss you in the car

♪ I won't kiss you
any place at all ♪

♪ Where other people are

♪ Wait'll I get you home, baby

♪ Wait'll I get you home

- [Joel] Wow, he's all
wild and sassy lookin'.

♪ All night like a
bee in a honeycomb ♪

- [Crow] In three
seconds, she's gonna have

to get really drunk.

♪ Wait'll I get you home

♪ Wait'll I get you home

♪ Wait 'til I get you home
- Can't wait.

- [Tom] Oh, my back!

[audience applauds]

- [Crow] Oh boy, she's
gonna need a cigarette now.

- [Tom] So you just
kissed her like that, huh?

- Still like your job?

- Sure.

- I've had the feeling, well,

that you've been
trying to avoid me.

You're not angry because
that girl is working here?

- That dame can
do what she wants.

Doesn't make any
difference to me.

- You're still my friend.
- Splendid.

Now I have some
good news for you.

- John 3:16.
- I've been given

custody of a package.

What's in it, I don't know,
and furthermore, I don't care.

This much I can tell you.

It came from Mexico
and I doubt very much

if they were trying
to save on postage

by not sending it
through the mail.

- What's that got to do with-

- I'm coming to that.

I've just received word on
how to deliver the package.

- Federal express.
- I need someone

with the ability to drive
fast and skillfully.

I do neither.

- What about your boy, Green?

- [laughs] Poor Bruce can't
see beyond the windshield.

- [Crow] Funny.

- Sounds risky.

- Didn't I tell you once,

any business venture
involves risk.

- [Phil] Business venture?

- Come here.
- Come here, come closer.

Sit on my lap, schnookums.

That is your name, isn't it?

Here, I want you to take
this butter with you.

- This envelope
contains $750 in cash.

- [Crow] And a
Snoopy birthday card.

- If I am any
judge of character,

- And I am.
- That young lady out there

would look upon you quite
differently if she knew you had

that much money in your pocket.

- She's got nothin'
to do with it.

- [Tom] What time do you
get your pants lowered?

- We close in 25 minutes.

- [Crow] Last call.

- You have until then
to make up your mind

whether you like it here or not.

- You're sure
there's no question?

- When I cross the bridge,
I pull over and throw it

out the right window.

- Make sure that it
clears the embankment.

- Right.

- Here.
- It's butter, unsalted.

- You'll notice that
it's sealed with wax.

I was told if the
seal was broken,

I'd be in for a good
deal of trouble.

Need I say more?

- [Tom] No.

Then I'll see you in an hour.

- Good enough.

- Wash that hand.
- Remember the car

will turn into a pumpkin.

- [Tom] When is that
butter going to get here?

- [Crow] Relax, have
some margarine, boss.

- Where's the car?

- I coasted in.

Didn't want to wake
up the chickens.

- [laughs] I think I've
underestimated you.

- [Crow] Oh, I could kiss you.

- How 'bout some champagne?

- [Tom] It's a buttery
little champagne.

- [Crow] He never gives
me champagne, duh.

Uh, one, two.
- Save the coupons.

Well sure, how do you think
I got these great hams?

- Creep's been
after her all night.

- He doesn't even smoke.
- Looks to me

like it's the other way around.

- [Crow] Good point.

- Just in case anybody wants
to know, my name is Pete Plum.

- Fruity.
- Customers like Daddy-O.

- Save it for the bandstand.

Too many people are startin'
to ask my real name.

- Why Pete Plum?

- 'Cause that's what it
says on my driver's license.

- Look, Phil, you got to
quit this whole thing.

- [Crow] Get outta here.

- Soon enough.

- No, right now, tonight.

- [Joel] That's a loss.

- Look buddy, I'm
onto somethin' big.

Somethin' too big to let go.

- Okay, okay, now this
next one is the classic

Chinese fan, okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- All I do is now I wanna
take a sip and I want

one of you guys to say something
surprising to me, okay?

- Joel, I'm pregnant
with your child.

[spits drink]
[laughs]

- Okay, this next one
is called old faithful

or Wyler's Geyser of mirth.

Now what's gonna happen, it's
guaranteed to get a laugh.

Just like clockwork, every
20 minutes in a crowded room.

Check it out.

- Okay, you're covered.

I got this one.
- Do it.

- Hey, there's a ship
coming into range.

[spits drink]
[laughs]

- That was good,
that was a dandy.

- No, no, there is a
ship coming into range.

- Just let me get
a glass of water

before you do it again, okay?

[booms]
[spits drink]

There is a ship
coming into range.

Quick Cambot, get me
rocket number nine, pronto.

What in the heck?

We better bring this up on
the hexfield view screen.

Oh no, it's that guy.

- Sorry about the fender bender

and now give me that key, fella.

- [Crow] What are
you talkin' about?

- [Tom] Why are you here?

- [Joel] Just go away, really.

- For cryin' out loud.
- Anyway, what a pain.

Let's get back to
the dribble action.

- Oh boy.
- All right.

That's really cool.

- Look, fella.

Gym policy.

I gotta have that locker.

- Yeah, whatever.
- Whatever.

- Okay, so Joel, why is
the dribble take funny?

[spits drink]

- Why is it?

It's only the pinnacle
of the craft, man.

I mean, sometimes I care-

- Look guys, I'm gonna
take off, all right.

- Just get it out of here.
- Get out of here.

- Jee-many, boy, Joel, you
gotta get a lock for that thing.

- I'm gonna need your gym key.

[laughs]

Anyway, this one's
called the juicy Lucy.

It goes way back, it's origin.

- This should be good.

- Ah, Ricky.

[upbeat music]

- All set?

- Sure.

Same as last time?

- Same as last time.

- [Tom] When you spit that.

- [Crow] There he is, goon.

- [Tom] Oh, my foot.

- [Joel] Ooh muffler.

Top of the world, Ma.

- [Crow] Yesterday pizza, today
butter, tomorrow the world.

- Huh?
- Huh?

- [Joel] You there,
drop that butter.

- [Tom] Cheese it,
it's the dairy police.

[sirens blare]
- Uh oh, busted.

And I think this is the
same plot as Mortal Thugs.

- [Tom] Or Killdozer.

Hey Daddy-O's soon
gonna be Deady-O.

Ya know?

- [Joel] All right, pull
it over, Flintstone,

with the courtesy
of your two feet.

- [Tom] Comin' up
on dead flat curve.

That burns my butter.

- [Crow] Hey, wait a minute.

This is how Liz Taylor bought
it in Butterfield Dave.

I'm comin', Liz.

- Watch out for that tree.
[yells]

♪ Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum

- [Tom] He changed his shirt.

- Looks like we've
been double crossed

by this kid, Pete Plum.

- Oh, Oscar, Oscar.
- Send a couple boys

over to the club to pick him up.

- Siegfried and Roy?
- We'll have a little

talk with Pete.

If he can't get the stuff, he
better still have our dough.

- [Crow] 'Cause we
gotta make that pizza.

- Yeah, we're gonna get
that junk we paid for

or our dough back.

But either way, I
think this punk needs

a little personal attention.

- Are you Pete Plum?

- He's bein' munched

by a Mennonite.
- Yeah, that's right.

- I wanna talk to you, Pete.

- [Tom] Those guys are crazy.

- What's your story, Jack?

- Get in the car, buddy, or
I'll blow your brains out.

- [Tom] Snappy title.

[suspenseful music]

Phil has a problem, down there.

- [Crow] Man, dig that crazy
John Williams groove, baby.

- [Tom] We're gonna kill
ya, but we gotta stop

at a cash machine first.

- [Crow] Third floor, hardware.

- [Tom] Hey, can you
lay off the music?

I'm kinda nervous.

Tell Gen one to keep it down.

- [Joel] Fourth floor, menswear.

- [Crow] Hill Street Blues?

- [Joel] Fifth floor, notions,

ready to wear, Charles Mangus.

- [Crow] Goodbye pork pie hat.

- Okay, Pete, where is it?

- Where is what?

- [Tom] Your solar plexus.

- Where is it, Pete?

- I don't know what your

talkin' about.
- He said your dad's a dwarf.

- [Joel] Hey, he
called you a fem.

- [Crow] Yeah, he did.

He said your mother
wears leather underwear.

- Just give us back the dope.

- You're a softy, Kern.

- [Tom] I invested it in an IRA.

- [Crow] Wait'll I
break your jaw, yeah.

- Wait'll I break your jaw.

- [Joel] John Lowry.

- [Tom] I don't dance.

Don't ask me.

- What's the matter with you?
- You missed a spot.

- Take it easy.

On your feet.

- [Joel] Hi, how is
everything going?

- [Tom] Patty cake,
patty cake, bakers man,

breakin' your jaw
as fast as we can.

- Anything new to tell me?

- [Crow] Rosebud was a slut.

- I'm not Pete Plum.

- Kern, what are idiots doin'?

That isn't Pete Plum.

- [Joel] That's Eve Plumb.

- [Crow] Hey look, it's
Marilyn Monroe in The Misfits.

- I have to think.
- I don't like it.

They weren't due
for another week.

- [Joel] My head is too heavy.

- [Tom] Hey, she caught her
back fat in the doorway.

She's trapped.
- Oh no.

- [Tom] Thanks guys,
had a good time.

Can I call you?

- [Joel] Honey, you're home?

101, 102, Oh hi, honey,
just workin' out.

- [Tom] Cigarette?

Just kidding.

- [Crow] Bad gig.

- Oh, Phil.

- Come on, get me out of sight.

- Outta mind.
- Oil can.

Oil can.

- I think I know
who killed Sonny.

- Well, let's call the police.

- Not yet.

- [Crow] We need a
third act in this movie.

- Can't let Chillis
see me like this.

- [Tom] Too ashamed.

- Come on, let's get outta here.

- [Crow] Wait'll I
get you home, girl.

- [Joel] Hey, one of them
shouldn't be in there.

- Are you all right?

- Just hurts a little
when I breathe.

- Well, don't breathe.
- I'll get you to the doctor.

- No, we gotta call the cops.

I got the answer.

- Hey.
- What?

- I've never been
so sure of anything.

Never.

- Got this thing
figured out, Jana.

- [Tom] Yeah, you turn
these little knobs

and the water comes out.

- Sonny met Chillis
and Green at the gym.

- [Crow] Will Chillis?

- I know he needed money.

They offered him a
chance to make some fast.

- How?
- Amway.

- Deliverin' dope.

- So that's what
they've been doing.

- [Joel] What do you think's
in those cigarettes you sell?

- Even gave him a hopped up
car, phony driver's license.

Anyway, some other
dealer musta got to him.

Offered him 5,000 bucks
to double cross Chillis.

Sonny banked the money
in his mom's name.

- [Tom] And?

Go on.
- Then instead

of delivering Chillis'
next shipment,

he hid it in his locker.

- Chillis found out and
forced him off the road.

- [Crow] Hey, hey, hey, hey.

My pants got
- Or they couldn't

- a little low, okay?
- Find the stuff.

- Couldn't find it, but I
tipped Green off when I went

to the gym with Sonny's key.

- Well, who did this?

- The guy who paid his money

wanted to see
- Is he Napoleon

all of a sudden?
- why he didn't get anything.

They thought I was Sonny.

- What did they do to you?

- Come on, we gotta
get to a phone.

Chillis is probably out
lookin' for me right now.

- He's in some kind of trouble.

- What?

- Green brought him a message.

He said something about
Captain Perez getting here.

Green says a boat
was on its way.

- A boat?

- [Joel] You got any Aqua Velva?

- That's how they get
the stuff from Mexico.

Where's your car?

- Outside.

- There's a gas
station down the road.

- [Joel] Hate those.

- Come on.

- Chillis just came out.

- [Tom] And the
lighting's even worse.

- [Crow] Just heading
out down to the freezer

to get some fudgesicles.

- Headed for the beach.

- [Tom] Hey, just throw
her anywhere, Phil.

- I'm gonna tail him.

You get to that phone.

- I'm going with you.

[whistles]

- [Crow] Oh dear God,
I'm fat this time.

- [Tom] It's Orson Wells.

- [Crow] We will sell
no dope before its time.

- [Tom] Hey, we're getting
good at this, aren't we?

- [Crow] In the fourth
Quatrain, Nostradamus predicted

the end of this movie
would result in bloodshed.

The destruction of England.

Cigar for me and a couple
of magic tricks on Carson.

- [Tom] Hey, do the bunny hop.

- Trust your trip was a
pleasant one, Captain.

- Had a good time.
- It was fair enough.

[talks over each other]

- Surprise to an intelligent
man like you, Sydney?

- You weren't due
for another week.

- [Crow] Come off it, you
know we have newspapers

in Mexico too.

- I'll make it up.

You'll get every cent.

- Of course we will.

- It won't happen again,
you have my assurance.

- The point is, your insurance
is something in which

we no longer can depend.

- You're wrong.

- When you turn over the
money, our business association

will be terminated.

- [Tom] That's right.

- I haven't collected yet.

- Then I'll wait offshore
'til dawn, no longer.

- Under water skis.
- Suppose I can't

get it that fast?

- You know the organization
better than to ask that.

- [Crow] If obsession is a
crime, then declare me guilty.

- I've known you for 10 years.

- Don't touch me there.
- We've worked together.

We've vacationed together.
- We've been through

lamaze together.
- If you were my own son

it wouldn't make any difference.

- All right, you two,
I've got a gun on ya.

[upbeat music]

- It's all set.

Now listen carefully,
our lives depend on this.

You, my suspicious friend,

are going to pick up
some money for me.

Bruce will accompany you

- On the piano.
- To make sure of

a successful and hasty return.

You, my dear, you'll
remain here with me.

That should be a little
added incentive for Phillip.

It's now 11"30.

The entire trip won't
take more than 45 minutes.

But if for some reason you're
not back within an hour,

- [Crow] The first runner
up will take your place.

- An unfortunate
accident will happen

to the young lady here.

- She'll go brunette.
- Stop talkin' then.

- One more thing.

I don't like it, but
I've killed before.

I am sure you'll
return with the money,

you'll both be released.

- This bites.
- Slow down.

Pull up by them mailboxes.

- [Crow] I gotta send
a Mother's Day card.

- [Tom] Earned this
on my paper route.

Savin' for a bike.

- Turn right.

- I know it's left.

- I said right, bright boy.

- Look, if we're not back
to that club in 20 minutes,

that girl's gonna die.

- What's the difference?

He'll kill ya both anyway.

- Well, left it is then.
- Pull up over here.

Then open your door and get out.

- You can't drive without me.

- I don't have far to go.

- Look, I'll take ya.
- He can't look.

- Anything you wanna
do, just let me get back

to that girl, huh?

- Outside.

- [Joel] He'll probably get
those back in about an hour.

- [Tom] Oh yeah.

[gunshot]

- [Crow] Ooh, shootin' at rocks.

- [Tom] Beaker, no.

- [Joel] Whoa, he's
workin' the heavy bag.

Check it out.

[thuds]
[grunts]

- [Crow] Connected
that time, fella.

[dramatic music]

- [Tom] This is what
Zsa Zsa did to that cop.

[thuds]

- Now just gonna
check your eyes.

Batter one, batter two.

Now the left eye.

Now it's dangling by a cord.

That should be good.

- [Joel] I can see, I can see.

It's amazing.

- [Crow] That guy's
a good tipper.

Meanwhile, back at the Copa,

Chillis is in a lot of trouble.

- He'll make it.

- [Crow] Meanwhile, our
hero stopped at a Stuckey's

to get a salted nut roll.

- [Tom] I love those.

Hey, havin' a microwave
is very convenient.

- [Crow] Oh, hot, danger, ouch.

Stupid guy.

Call my agent.

Get me outta this film.

- [Tom] Hello
Broadway, Danny Rose?

- Hello operator.

Give me the police
right away please.

- [Tom] No, the real police.

[tires screech]

- [Joel] Okay, I'm
gonna get, wait.

Oh, should I put my
tape player in my trunk?

I don't know if, oh, forget it.

- You're late.

- Where's Jana?
- Where's the money?

- [Tom] Where have
all the flowers gone?

- Green tried to pull a double
cross, was gonna kill me.

The money musta dropped
out when we fought.

- You don't expect
me to believe that.

- Help.

- [Crow] She's browning.

- She's in there, isn't she?

- Philip.

I want that money.

- You rotten slob.

- [Joel] He shot the king.

- Money or I'll kill you.

- [Crow] [laughs]
Oh, that's weak.

- [Tom] Oh my head.

- [Joel] Where did I park?

- [Crow] There must be
a Minotaur somewhere

in this labyrinth.

- [Tom] That helps.

Hey, it's Charles Durning.

- [Joel] Now I want
everyone to jump out

and yell surprise when
he comes down here.

- Okay.
- Here he comes.

[gunshots]
[glass shatters]

- [Crow] Ooh, he
shot old Forester.

- [Joel] Wait, how'd he
get back here so fast?

- [Tom] Oh, he's got a spare.

Pearl Vision had a
two-for-one sale.

- [Crow] Barbie at the spa.

- Help!
- She's crisping.

- [Joel] Boss.

- [Tom] Debbie Harry, tough gig.

- Where's Chillis?

- I don't know,
after Phil, I think.

- Did he get the money?
- I could hardly hear.

I think he lost it
fighting with you.

- He lost it fighting-

Come on, I need you.

- [Joel] Oh please, don't
complicate my life right now.

- [Crow] Hey, Midasize.

What are you runnin', an
evan root under that hood?

- [Tom] I would like a snack,
something light and chocolaty.

- Step on it.

This buggy can take
anything on the road.

- [Tom] Except Jack Kerouac.

[siren blares]

- That's the car we missed
in that narcotic trap.

- [Joel] Oh, it's the milkman.

Reed Fleming, world's toughest.

- Can't catch it.
- Can't touch this.

- Suggest roadblock south
of Wilson Avenue turnoff.

- I think it's one
of the dead milkmen.

- Repeat, suggest roadblock
- Hey, who's talking?

- south of Wilson
Avenue turnoff.

- [Tom] Other turnoff, guys
who spit, fat butts in sweats.

- [Crow] Here in the
wine cellars of Ernest
and Julio Gallo.

- [Joel] This is just
like when you're shopping

and you see somebody
you don't like.

- [Tom] Oh, right, right.

[suspenseful music]

- [Tom] Hi.
[gunshot]

Oh, right in the chablis.

- [Crow] I think they're
in an Etruscan tomb.

- [Tom] Did you dust down here?

[suspenseful music]

- [Crow] Now, you've
beaten the first challenge.

Time to move to level two.

- This is no time to
practice juggling.

[gunshot]
- [Crow] Ooh.

Boy, that wasn't wine,
that was a caliber.

Red wine does not
go with my lips.

- [Tom] Right in the schnozz.

- [Joel] Clown parade
all of a sudden.

[gunshot]

I christen this scene bad.
[gunshot]

This is my secret fort.

Nobody can find me up here.

I can head up here and read
my magazines and everything.

- Oh, come on.
- Oh, brother.

- You can't see him up there?
- Wow, so obvious.

Give me a break.

- [Crow] Wait a minute.

[thuds]
[crashes]

This is all coming
out of your paycheck.

- [Joel] Oh, he
did his own stunts.

Hey, Sinatra.

- Roadblock.

- [Joel] Hi Mr. Roadblock.

- Drive through or I'll
blow your brains out.

- Look out, he's coming through.

- [Crow] I don't care.

[brakes screech]

That was the incredible
action sequence for Daddy-O.

- [Tom] Well, time
for your EPA test.

- [Crow] I love
ridin' in the DeSoto.

All right, everybody
inside for the wrap-up.

- [Tom] Sid Field
and the plot police.

- Where's Phil?

- I don't know,
Chillis was after him.

- [Phil] Somebody
lookin' for me?

- [Tom] Oh, give me a warm,
fuzzy, you big galoot.

- Where's Chillis?

- He's in the basement.

I'm afraid he's had
too much to drink.

[laughs]

What about Perez?

- [Crow] He's giggin'
with Lady Day.

- I suppose you realize you
violated your probation.

- Now look, I'm sorry, Mr.
Wooster, there was no other way.

- I oughta put you in solitary.

- You do, and she goes with me.

- [Joel] Well then
it's not solitary.

- She's been talkin' my ear
off. You're welcome to her.

According to her, you
should be Chief of Police.

- Now whoever heard
of a Chief of Police

without a driver's license?

- Oh no you don't.

[laughs]

- Are you gonna sing
a song, Daddy-O?

- He doesn't feel like singin'.

- Are you kidding?

I've never felt more
like singin' in my life.

- [Tom] And we've never
felt less like hearing you.

- Let's go.
- Get outta here.

- Want some?

- I want an answer.

- Want some?

- I want an answer.

- Want some?

- I want an answer.

Oh, wow, you know, no
matter how many times

I see that thing, I always
learn something new.

Okay, I'm ready,
Crow, let's try it.

- Hey Joel, want some?

- I want an answer.

That worked pretty good, okay.

Tom, ready?

Let's try it.

- Well, you know, I can't use
my hands to hold an apple,

so I rigged up this
Carmen Miranda get-up.

What do you think?

- You can't hold an apple, but-

Oh, forget it, okay.

All right, some guys had
brothers, I had Sonny.

You killed Sonny, admit it.

Okay.

Get your clothes on,
you're coming with me.

- Your name is Peter Plum.
- My name is Peter Plum.

- If you were a guy, I'd
bust you in the chops.

- Okay, if you weren't a guy,
I'd bust ya in the chops.

- Okay, okay, okay, Joel,
Joel, Joel, Kamistanislavski.

- This is fresh paint.

- Kamistanislavski, okay?

Let's read some letters
for cryin' out loud.

- I'm sorry. I got
kind of crazy there.

Okay, let's do that.

Let's see, let's put this
up on still store Cambot.

Okay, this one is
from Christina's and
this is kind of a,

I am seven years old.

I am in the first grade, sister.

- Oh, she's a
first grade sister?

- Food is powerful.

Okay, it says shut up, you guys.

And Tom Servo says,
I hate you too.

And Crow says, I hate you.

- That's really sweet.
- We love each other.

- Now this one
comes from the Xerox

Full Integration Test Engineers.

Let's put that on still store.

And that says, dear Joel,
Cambot, Tom Servo, Crow, and

gypsy, we, the Xerox full
integration test engineers

do solemnly swear to be faithful
MST3K viewers until death,

unreasonably high taxes or
show cancellation do us part.

I think that's full
integration test humor.

- I think so.

- We have a fun, large
group of people here

at Xerox that are addicted to
your incredibly funny show.

We have a ritual now
that Friday lunches

are reserved strictly
for MST3K viewing.

Life here at Xerox has
been enhanced by MST3K,

and frankly, we feel that it
would be virtually impossible

to live without the
satellite of love.

Keep up the good
work, people and bots.

Okay, this is the last one.

This one is, we'll put
that on still store there.

And this says, dear guys, I
have always liked your show

since the begin.

I writing to you guys
to ask a few questions.

One, how long did it take
to build Tom Servo, Crow,

and Gypsy after
you had the design?

- Built?

- How do guys do
before and after

the experiments every week?

- That's an
intelligent question.

- And what do guys do to relax?

Questions, questions, questions.

I need answers, answers,
answers, answers.

- Don't, honey, don't move.

- Wait'll I get you home, baby.

- What do you think, sirs?

- Push the button, Frank.

- Want some?

- Push the button, Frank.

- No, really, I insist.

- Push the button.

- Have one.

- Push the button, Frank.

- You're not getting
enough to eat.

- Push the button, Frank.

- No, have some.

- Push the button.

Want some?

- Yeah.

Ah, hug.

- Push the button, Frank.

[sci-fi music]

What the Sam scratch
is going on here?

- He's playing with the button.

Isn't that cute?

- Here, here, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Push the button, Frank.

That's a good boy.

Come on, there you go.

- Oh, he's walkin'.

[sci-fi music]

I think it's on.

- I think so.

Push the button, Frank.

[sci-fi music]

- Dr. Forester.

It's not working.

Not working.

- Well, no wonder.

The baby's got strained
carrots all over the keyboard.

You're just gonna have to
hold the key down, Frank.

I've gotta go change him.

- But he's gotta wanna change.

- Just hold the
button down, Frank.

[sci-fi music]

Frank!
[spits water]

[sci-fi music]

- No, you've got the problem.

I'm only paying you
half price for that

'cause it too you over
30 days to burrow here

with that pizza.

- [Doctor] Frank.

[sci-fi music]

Frank, what are you doing?

- [Frank] I was just
getting a piece of water.

- [Doctor] A piece of water?

- [Frank] I mean
a glass of cake.

- [Doctor] Come here.

- I mean
- Come here.

Come here, come here.
- Having

- Come here, let me
tell you something.

Try this.

[sci-fi music]

Well, that's it,
Frank, we're late.

- Dr. Forester?

I've known you to be
many things before,

but I've never known
you to be a quitter.

Are you gonna give up now?

Don't quit, live dammit, live.

- Oh, I remember.

Alt function seven.

[sci-fi music]

- Couldn't help you
if I wanted to, fella.

Gym policy.