Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 4, Episode 13 - Earth vs. the Spider - full transcript

♪ In the not too distant future ♪

♪ Next Sunday A.D. ♪

♪ There was a guy named Joel ♪

♪ Not too different from you or me ♪

♪ He worked at Gizmonic Institute ♪

♪ Just another face in a red jumpsuit ♪

♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place ♪

♪ But his bosses didn't like him
so they shot him into space ♪

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst we can find, la la la ♪

♪ He'll have to sit and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor his mind, la la la ♪

♪ Now keep in mind Joel can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end, la la la ♪

♪ Because he used those special parts ♪

♪ To make his robot friends ♪

♪ Robot roll call ♪

♪ Cambot ♪

♪ Gypsy ♪

♪ Tom Servo ♪

♪ Croooow ♪

♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts, la la la ♪

♪ Then repeat to yourself
it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax ♪

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3,000 ♪

(doors slamming)

(humming)

- Hello and welcome to
Inside the Robot Mind.

My guest today is the very wonderful,

the very lovely, the very luscious,

Tom Servo from Mystery
Science Theater 3,000.

Hello, Tom.

- Hello everybody.

Hello, Crow, and thank you
for having me on the show.

- Oh, not at all.

Thank you for being here.

- It's my pleasure.

Thank you.

- Oh, no, thank you.

- Oh, thank you.

- No, thank you.

- [Both] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

- [Computer] Commercial
starting in 15 seconds.

- Oh, thank you.

- No, thank you.

- [Computer] Would you
please get on with it.

- My guest today is Tom Servo.

Tom, tell me about that
time that you and Morty-

- [Computer] Commercial starting now.

- Oopsie.

- Oh, brother.

We'll be right back.

- I think that went
rather well, don't you?

- Doh!

(upbeat music)

Aligator bit him.

Crocagator bit him.

That's why he's so mean!

(laughing)

- We are back.

- Whew.

- Oh, I wish you could have
been here during the break.

Tom told one of his
famous showbiz stories.

- Now get this.

Now this certain nun walks into a bar-

- Oh, Tom, you cut that out.

- Hey, what are you guys up to?

- Nothing, nothing.

- Nothing, nothing.

- Light's been flashing from
the mast for a long time.

You, I have to do everything.

- Good morning, Deep 13.

How may I direct your call?

Please hold.

Good morning, Deep 13.

Oh, Jerry and Sue are not
at their desk right now.

May I route your call?

Thank you.

Good morning, Deep 13.

Please hold.

Good morning, Deep 13.

Oh, call on line one,
Your Super-Duper Evilness.

I've got Joel in the
box holding on line two.

It's long distance.

- Ah, give me Joel.

I'm sending through that call on line two.

- Frank, I'm right here.

Put it on the speaker phone.

- Doing it, Your Trumpness.

- Oh, hello, Boobly-oobly.

Our invention exchange this week

is going to revolutionize
the telephone industry.

- Right, we've taken an ordinary telephone

and combined it with the great taste

and wholesomeness of cheese.

See?

We're talking on it right now.

The sound is clear and static free,

and it's a great source of protein.

- Yes, and we're also working
on the curd-less phone.

(chuckling)

Well what do you think,
hockey puck to the face?

- Oh great.

That's great. Not only have
you stolen one of my ideas,

and I know because I'm looking
at my computer right now

and it says cheese phone dated March 78,

but you have reached an all
new high of stupidity and evil.

- [Both] Thank you.

- Well, sirs, my invention this week is

this handy dandy CD player blow dryer.

It combines the high
powered fashionability

of this blow dryer

with the stereophonic
sound of the CD player.

You never again will you have to bother

with the old in-salon eight
track model like this,

or that old portable
cassette model like this.

See? Check it out.

I'm blowing my hair while
I'm blowing my mind,

listening to new age artist
and hair specialist, John Tesh.

- What?
- Huh?

- What do you think, sirs?

- Oh, I think it is a good idea.

- Frank, this is the stupidest experiment

you've ever come up with.

- Me? You come up with it.

- I told,

anyway, Joely, your experiment this week

is another Bert I. Gordon classic.

- It's called Earth Vs. the Spider,

but first,

excuse me,

we have a special short feature,

which you will enjoy.

And thank you for using
Deep 13 telephone network.

- Just send them the movie, Frank.

- I think I ate the whole thing.

- I'll do it.

(alarm blaring, yelling)

(doors slamming open)

- Cheese phone, who would have thought?

- So stupid.

- Oh, ow.
- Excuse me.

- Oh, E. C. Buehler.

Must be his day off.

(laughing)

(light music)

- Now if you take out
this self-comprehensive

semi-deductible policy,

you're completely insured will have

adequate income for life,

that is provided if you don't
expire before the policy does.

- Now, would you mind?

- Is this the Cajun Chef?

- I don't quite understand.

- Well, certainly, you
see very, very simple.

- They're talking HerbalLife.

- Once a month for 20 years,

during which time you're
completely covered for life now.

- Is it that simple?

- Well, it sounds reasonable.

It's a deal.

- Knucklehead Smith makes a sale.

- Well no, the proposition
sounds interesting,

- But it's you I don't like.

- I think I'll think
it over for a few days.

Thanks for coming over.

- Well, I'll call in a couple days.

- All right.

- Thanks a lot.

- Sure.

- And stay away from my daughter!

- Hmm, that's funny.

I thought I had him.

I wonder what I did wrong.

- Guess I shouldn't have spit on his rug.

- Hey!

- I'm sorry.

- Seemed like a nice guy.

- [All] At first.

- Wonder what he talking about?

- Hey, It's old Lincoln.

- That every day someone loses a sale,

- Or an arm.

- or creates a misunderstanding

just because he does
not speak intelligently.

(all mumbling)

Over the next few minutes,

- That's Andy Rooney's godfather.

- Examples of good and bad speech,

and show you the main
faults of those speakers.

We'll show you some things to do,

and some things not to do.

- Oh, you're over there now.

- The first thing every speaker should do

is to learn the three basic
aims of public speaking.

- Lie, lie, and lie.

- And check your zipper.

- One, you must be heard.

- John Heard?

- Two, you must be understood.

- Huh? What? What'd you say?

- Three, you must be pleasing.

- Do I please you?

Do you find me pleasing?

- Now remember these three points.

You must be heard,

you must be understood,

and you must be pleasing.

- Oh, and you must have a wire rack.

- Now most of us fall shot in at least one

of these three points,

for instance.

- Well, the fact is we
spent many nights in the-

- Panties, guilty.

- Looking for headhunters.

One night, just as they-

- Tap pants.

- Sun was going down,

we heard a noise in the bushes.

Something was

- Dance belt, oh, no, no.

- All of a sudden it, eh, it attacked us.

- Yeah, that's it.

It attacked us.
- Cadded about.

- An ostrich.

- What a pathetic loser.

- Many of us clutter up our
speech with uhs and urs.

- Yeah.

- And in this way we create vocal static.

- Yeah, uh.

- We can be heard, yes,

and we can be understood,

- [All] Yes.

- but we're dull and boring.

Now here's another typical example.

- This man's wearing a push-up bra.

Now he's pleasing.

- Student government is
something we've all worked for.

Now that we have it,

we must make it work for us.

We have all given our time and our ideas

- Oh, please don't hit me, please!

- And cherish it and
nourish it and make it live.

- Poor child.

- Most of her audience can't
make out what she is saying,

- And what a wire rack.

- So she's not heard.

She's not understood.

And she's not very pleasing.

Now let's look once more.

- Funny thing happened
to van registration.

See, I was sitting there
waiting for the fellows.

We were good.

- I was under the
bleachers at the ball game,

and that's when the cop
chased me and asked me

what I was doing, pretty much.

- I said this isn't your seat.

You see I've been sitting
here a whole lot longer

than you seem to think I have.

- Oh, Garrison Keillor.

- He's got it all wrong.

He's the dummy and the ventriloquist.

- It's not hard to find
fault in that speech.

- Don't worry, we've had him put down.

- Many of his listeners won't
be able to understand him.

And those that do-

- Will wish he were dead.

- His sloppy speech.

Do you know-

- That I have little
bunnies painted on my knees?

I do.

- Most of the speakers we have heard

can be traced to one thing.

- Tight under things.

- Practically all of us
would be better speakers

if it were not for this one big fault.

- Red car-lessness?

- Huh?

- Yes, carelessness.

- Oh, it just didn't look right.

- Poor speech.

If this speaker would concentrate

upon overcoming his speech
fault of saying uh and ur,

he could be an interesting
and effective speaker.

Does carelessness make
you this type of speaker?

- Think about it, won't you?

Thank you.

- [Professor] Now, this girl
is marked by carelessness-

- And the devil.

- [Professor] Because
she speeds over the words

of her speech just to get them said,

and she drops her voice
at the end of sentences.

- And she drops to the floor

and rolls her eyes into
the back of her head.

- [Professor] Is carelessness making you

this type of speaker?

- Think about it, won't you?

Thank you.

- [Professor] Or is your
carelessness the same as that

of the man who runs his words together?

Mumbles, drops his Gs.

- Drops his pants and
robs convenience stores.

- Have you found yourself yet?

Do you know what your
careless speech habits are?

The important thing is
to recognize the trouble

and then take steps to correct it.

- And then crush it like a cockroach.

- Now let's see if we can help you.

- Don't open beer bottles with your teeth.

- Should practice opening the mouth

wider than usual as he or she speaks.

- And fresh breath, please.

- [Professor] In this way,

the words can flow out,

and the audience can easily hear you.

Speak with life and animation,

yet speak deliberately.

Use plenty of lip and tongue actions.

(laughing)

- [Professor] So you
can annunciate clearly,

so you will be understood.

- And don't forget the wire rack.

- [Professor] Speak in low full tones,

so that what you say will be pleasing

and appealing to the ear.

- And potent.

- [Professor] Don't let
your voice be high, shrill,

and unpleasant just because
you're a little excited.

Keep it low and pleasing.

- I like it that way.

- Well, here's young George Patton,

a patriot and into high grade weed.

- [Professor] So that each
sentence doesn't sound

just like the other.

- When David Duke is elected,

we will take over the country.

- [Professor] Manner of speaking must

be pleasant and interesting.

- Do I please you?

- And finally, let your voice

and speaking manner reflect
your own personality.

Let it be sincere and typical of you,

rather than stilted and stagey.

- Like me.

(chuckling)

- Ladies, I'm so glad to see you all here,

and see you looking so well.

- It's an Aunt Bea convention.

- Our subject this afternoon is flowers.

Don't you just adore flowers?

- She is one hot mama.

- Do you see what I mean?

Now what she really meant to say was this.

- My life is a hollow lie.

- That you've come out today, ladies.

Glad to see you looking so well.

The subject of our discussion is flowers,

one of which I'm particularly fond.

- Poppies.
- I know that many of you too

share my great enthusiasm
for this subject.

- The idea is to be interesting.

Interesting, but real.

- Firm yet yielding to the touch.

- Now are there any questions?
- Professor Buehler?

- [Professor] Yes?

- Won't people think I'm peculiar

if I start speaking differently
than I ever have before?

- People think that already.

- Now that's a good point,

but I don't think you need worry about it.

You see, your speaking voice
will become more adequate.

- Sounds like Brenda Vacarro.

- Just the rules of good speaking.

And your friends won't
think that you're peculiar.

On the other hand,

they're more likely to admire you.

- For having the courage
to come out in public.

- having improved your manner of speaking.

Speak audibly so you may be heard.

- John Heard.

- Speak distinctly so
you may be understood.

- [All] Huh?

- And speak with life and enthusiasm,

so you may be pleasing.

- And get yourself a good wire rack.

- And remember that good speech will be

a great asset to you always.

It is the mark of a cultured person

and a well-developed personality.

- And a good friend.

- Take pride in your voice
and your speaking manner.

Take pride in the way you sound.

- Put out some chips or something.

Didn't your mother teach you anything?

- Be careful how you use it.

(patriotic music)

- Look, there's a hammer and
a sickle in that eye, beware!

- Yay, speech, speech!

Speech, woo, speech!
(whistling)

- Speech?

- Speech, lip and tongue action, woo!

Woo, author!

(laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Say, impressive.

This film's a capitol idea.

The seal of approval.

Well, good night, everybody, got to go,

- Oh.

- Made you look.

- Hey Charlotte, it spells out a word.

- Earth Versus by Walt Whitman.

- No, no, no, no.

- I'm putting my money on the spider.

- Hey, this film's
slipping us a Mickey, what?

- Rather be slipped a Finn.

- No.

- Hey, do you bet that
Jack Webb's in this?

- Oh, that's cute.

- This spider keeps seeing the credits.

- Shirley Falls and it's not my fault.

It's Earl Pelbert's.

- Hey, a rolling stone
gathers no Marty Moss.

- I suppose not.

- It's just a credit line.

- Hey, Paul Michael's father.

- That's Glaser, Glaser.

- Oh.

- Oh, assistant technical effects?

Oh, honey, hand me that Tonka truck.

- What a burn.

- Gorog write screenplay.

(primeval grunting)

- No spiders were squished,
stepped on, flushed,

or made to suffer any emotional distress

during the making of this film.

One spider did die of old age.

We have two letters from
doctors confirming this.

- Scared yet?

- I'm shaking.

I'm shaking, people.

They're not very proud of these people.

- No one would be.

- Our spider seems to
be shorting out, sir.

- It's blocking the union seal there.

- It's getting too close.

- Come into my parlor said
the spider to the titles.

- Spider by Spencer's Gifts.

- Anytown, U.S.A.

- Good place.

- Hey, you're driving on the sidewalk.

Hey, hey, hey!

- I'm liquid metal.

- Let me tell you a
little bit about myself.

I drive a truck,

I'm butt ugly,

and I hate spiders.

My lips are big.

- That dad of mine.

He's so thoughtful,

and a nightgown too.

(screaming)

- Hey, he filled the light with.

- I'm guessing the film is not about him.

- We're sorry that had to happen,

now let's get back to our
story in Cleantown, USA.

- Why don't I feel fresh?
- Carol?

- Hey Carol, wait.

- Hi, Goonie.
- Hi, Michael.

- Did you hear about your dad?

- Hey, wake up.

This is Mike, remember?

The boy with the golden heart
and the memory of an elephant.

- And the teeth of a chipmunk.

- Look, I remembered, see?

- Something to remember your dad by.

- Happy birthday, Carol.

- Thanks.

- Aren't you going to open it?

- I'll have to return it first.

- What's wrong?

- It's Dad.

He didn't come home last night.

- So what?

You know it doesn't mean a thing.

- If it ain't got that swing.
- You know how he is.

- Yeah, he's a boozy drunkard.

- Oh!

- What do you mean I know how he is?

- Slap him.

- Nothing.

(horn honking)

- Ah, just annoying my girlfriend.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

- Oh, you're right.

My dad's gutter swill.

- Well he went to Springdale
yesterday to buy me a present.

He said he'd be back
before dinner last night,

but he still hadn't come back yet.

- That doesn't mean a thing, Carol.

I mean, it isn't the first time.

- Doh!

- You're mean, Mike.

- That's why I love you.

- I don't want your silly present either.

Here!

♪ Dobey, Dobey ♪

- That Dobey.

- No, teacher, no, I'm
sorry I talked in class!

(imitating electricity zapping)

- Okay, who's next?

- Electrons jump from one
electrode to the other

because of the difference
in the electrical potential

between the two poles.
(snoring)

Now this one is the negative pole,

on which electricity flows
to the positive pole.

We call the positive pole what?

- Les qualensza.

- Correct.

The negative pole?

- [All] The axle.

- Now what don't I know my butt from?

- [Both] A hole in the ground.

- [Kingman] These electrodes is increased

to a greater amplitude,

- I'm submissive in a '50s kind of way.

- [Kingman] The larger the arc becomes,

the more dangerous it is

to anything that may
be placed in its path.

One thing to remember is
that the flow of electrons

is always from the
negative to the positive.

The reason for this is
that the positive pole

has higher electrical potential.

On a simple voltaic cell,

the positive electrode is made of copper.

The negative.

- Don't write this down.

I'm just making it up.

- A similar experiment to
the one we've conducted here

was recently carried
out at Wisconsin Tech,

using a voltage many
thousands of times greater,

which produced the spark
closely simulating actual-

- Oh man, bite me, hey!

- [Kingman] It isn't the
voltage that creates the hazard.

It's the amount of current flow.

If a man were to come in
contact with a high voltage

without a direct path to ground,

it's probable that he wouldn't be harmed.

However, if the circuit-

- Okay, you can borrow my car.

The pain, the pain.

- [Kingman] Now for our next experiment,

if Mike, Carol, and Joe have
finished their business.

- Oh, it's Shame High School.
- Burn!

What a burn.

(motor rumbling)

- Hey, looks like Jones, the
kooky old monster's, car.

- Yeah, it looks like a hearse.

- I can't blame people
for what they think.

- They're driving in the hot tub, oh no!

- Must have run into
some of his old cronies

and stayed in town.

He had his paycheck with him.

I know it isn't true.

Not this time.

- You're talking to me?

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

- I know something's happened to him.

- Sure, it did.

Maybe he ran out of gas.

He'd never meet anybody on this road.

Hold everything.

What do you call that?
- Oh, that's just a dead fat,

a dead father!

Oh no!
- Oh my god!

(tense music)

Hmm, your dad's a tree?

- Well, if he's stuck, I don't get it.

- Weird.

- Stuck to the tree up there,

and stretched across the highway,

and just between two trees.

- Who would do a thing like that?

I don't know.

I don't even know what this stuff is.

- I don't know, big spider maybe?

- Both hands on the bat rope, kids.

- Around here or something.

- It's a giant dread lock.

Bob Marley must be here.

- It's just being stretched
across the highway,

and cracks it up.
- Who knows?

- It cracks me up.

- Kooks me out.

- That's dad's glass!

- Wouldn't be too good
for Joe's tires, would it?

- Yuck!

Do you have any moist towelettes?

- Maybe that's what
happened to your old man?

- Oh, ouch.

Be nice.

- Where is he now?

- I wouldn't worry about that, Carol.

He's probably hanging around some garage,

waiting for a busted fender to get fixed.

- Or else he's on the side of the road,

his head caved in like a ripe melon,

face down in a pool of,

hey, what did I say?

- It's black joke soap.

I love it!

- To Carol with love, Dad.

- Dear Carol, I'm dead.

Enjoy!

- Dropped it when the
accident happened, what of it?

- If he was all right, he
wouldn't leave it laying here.

If he was in a garage, he'd
call mother and let her know.

- Who said he was all right?

- What's that down there.

- [Mike] Just an old pickup truck.

- That's what Dad was driving.

- Okay, you're right.

He's dead.

Why can't I ever win an argument?

- Okay, so let's get down there and see.

Okay, okay, so maybe,

maybe your dad just parked
the truck down there

and the like Vandal squirrels came in

and ripped the door off

and broke the windshield and stuff.

- Could've happened.

- Maybe that's what it is.

- Dad?

- Dad?

- Dad?

- Oh, look.

The spider's stripped the truck for parts.

Smart spider.
- Dad!

- Good thing he got out of it in time.

- Yeah, good thing he was
thrown through the windshield.

- Dad!

Dad!
- What good will that do?

Well, if he's hurt,

he could still be around somewhere.

- That's right, he could be.

- Oh, hey neat.

I just put my foot into a pile of goo

that was once your dad's face.

Now I know what to do.

- Unless he went in the cave.

- Oh, he wouldn't go in there.

I never believed ghost
stories about the cave.

Maybe he doesn't either.

You know, it got pretty cold last night.

Suppose he couldn't walk far

and wanted to keep warm until help came?

- Yeah, maybe he got in there

and found a bag of
groceries and a mattress,

and maybe there's a lamp
and phone and stuff.

And maybe he probably met
some really nice old couple

who cooked him breakfast
and made sure that-

(yelling)

(doors slamming)

- Wait a minute, go through this again.

I'm not getting this.

- Ah, well, okay.

Well the deal,

the deal is when we get back to Earth,

I want to make a bazillion
dollars writing screenplays.

You know, like Roadhouse
and Next of Kin and stuff,

so if you two wouldn't
mind helping me out,

we could do sort of a
reader's theater, you know?

And we'd read my latest screenplay

and then do a kind of
note session afterwards.

Is that okay?

- You know, Crow, we're
friends and everything,

but whenever I perform,

I got to get some kind of compensation.

You understand, don't you?

- Oh, sure.

How about eight bucks?

- Great, super, it's all I need.

- Okay, you can invoice me.
I'll shoot you out a check.

- Fine.

- Can we get going on this, you guys?

- Oh, sure, okay.

It's called Earth Versus Soup.

Okay.

- Why soup?

- What?

- Soup?

- Oh yeah, I'm capturing
that Cold War flavor.

You know, giant ants,
giant spiders, giant soup.

I was going to call it

Earth Versus the Giant Wendy O. Williams,

or Earth Versus a Muffin,

or Earth Versus Peter Himmelman.

- Crow, Crow, why soup?

- Well, read it and see.

Okay? Let's go.

Okay, here we go.

Earth Versus Soup by Crow T. Robot.

- Cute.

- Okay, scene opens at
the local greasy spoon

called Bennigan T. Puffy Ranchers.

Ben Sweetland, the town goat washer,

orders his breakfast from sweet Marie.

- You're Ben.

- Oh, I'm Ben Sweetland.

I see, okay.

Oh, you know Marie,

Southern accent okay?

- Ah yeah, it's great.
- I got a big day coming up.

Why don't you give me

the Wyatt Earp Six Gun
Wagon Wheels Skillet

scrambled galhondra with
the side of Dooky Links,

and, well say, what's the soup today,

Sweet Marie, my little sock puppet you?

- Why, Ben, you watch yourself,

you little cider press you.

I don't think you want the soup today.

You see, Scabby was mixing
up a batch of uranium-235

in the same pot as today's soup,

which by the way is our

California Canada Pope
Cornucopia Vegetable Jubilee.

- Well, that don't make
no nevermind to me.

Bring me a bowl of that,

my little corn fritter.

(laughing)

- Okay, but it's your funeral.

(imitating ominous music)

- What?

- Nothing, nothing.

Just go on.

- Okay.
- Oh, this is a good part.

This is a good part.

Okay.

- Okay.

Hey Scabby, I need a
Willy Wonka on a Skull Cap

with a side of Rat Tails.

Oh, and give me a bucket of Slop.

Scabby? Scabby?

Oh no, no!

Dear Lord, no.

And then it just goes on like that.

- Yeah, come on.

Read them all.

- Oh, okay.

Oh no, no, no.

Oh my heavens no, no.

Oh, God, oh Porgy,

oh my dear heavens, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Come on, come on, read them all.

- There's six pages of nos here, Crow.

- Well, you think that's
enough to convey the raw terror

she must feel as a giant ball

of California Cornucopia Vegetable Jubilee

slithers towards her on all fours?

Its hellish maw-

- Wait, all fours?

- Soup on all fours?

- Of course, what do you
think, soup is a biped?

- Well look, Crow,

you know, although I
thought that Sweet Marie

was your most richly drawn
female character yet,

I felt there were flaws in her motivation

as she moved through the plot.

- Oh, you think so?

- Yeah, and what day was this anyway?

- Well, my backstory says Monday.

- Well, you never.
- These two.

- They can have more fun alone
than anybody else I know.

Enjoy.

(upbeat music)

(tense music)

- I'm sorry. I thought it had no texture.

- Well, I planned that.

- Oh you, oh, well then nice.

- It says, "Danger: weak plot ahead.

"This means you."

- Hey, we found the Bat Cave.

Be careful, I'm right there.

- No, it's the dead dad cave.

Next to our four o'clock.

- Oh yeah.

- Buddy Epson's been here!

- Find anything Mike?

- No, no, I didn't find your dad's hat.

- Do you really think
he could be in there?

- I don't know.

Wait a minute.

Maybe I better go in.

You wait here, will you?

- Oh, be careful.

Mike?

- What?

- You won't go very far will you?

People have gone in there
and never come out again.

- No, no, that was Injun Joe's cave, dear.

Remember?

- Ah, Mr. Carol's Dad?

Mr. Carol's Dad?

- Mike?

Mike?

- I'm doing it.

- I thought I told you to stay outside.

Now what's the idea of following me?

- I forgot.

- Mike, I'm scared of being alone.

- Oh, aren't we all.

- Do you see any sign of him?

- It wouldn't be right
here near the opening

if he wanted to keep warm.

I'm going to go a little further in.

- I'm going with you.

- Okay.

- Oh, I broke a heel. Carry me.

- It's Carol's dad's cavern.

- Nice, they walked to Arizona.

Cool.

- This looks like the
hideout of Mr. Freeze.

- It's no use.

He doesn't seem to be in here either.

- Oh, let's not give up yet please, Mike.

- Who said anything about giving up?

We're just getting started.

- Yeah, we'll give up in a minute.

- This cave is supposed to go way back

under that mountain forever.

- Dad!

Dad!

- Batman loves Robin.

Penguin bites.

I can't read the rest of it.

- Dad! Dad!

- Boy, your dad sure picked
a great cave to die in.

- Dad!

Dad!

- Hm, I didn't know
they piled it that high.

- Ooh, echo!

(imitating wind whistling)

- How will we ever find
him in a place this big?

- Get a map?

- They're in somebody's tonsils.

- Mike, let's go this way.

- Oh, suddenly you're Magellan?

- Dad!

Dad!

- Beautiful.

- For my next number I'll sing Mom, Mom.

- Uh- oh.

- Dad!

- There you go.

- It looks like Dad had it in for her.

It's a Popsicle, kind of.

Get it?

- Did your dad look like this, Carol?

- Yep, it's a big pork link sausage.

Jimmy Dean tried to kill you.

- How do they make that pure pork sausage?

- Well, they take some pork-
- Don't ask.

- Oh, go ahead, I'll be back here.

Oh, you might want to stop
shrieking for your dad.

- Nice back up.

- This is a really neat date.

We're having an adventure
just like the Goonies.

- Dad?

- What? Oh, sorry.

Just kidding, Carol.

(screaming)

- Hi, Carol.

Did you get my present?

- They're in Michael Jackson's basement.

- We've got to go back.

- I think you're right.

- But I can't go without-

- Checking to see if there's
any meat left on them.

- You might as well look
a little further, I guess.

- Hey, do you guys got
a sandwich or something?

I'm famished.

- You remember what I always say?

You can never be too rich or too thin.

(laughing)

That's one of my favorites.

- Don't look now.

- The anxious edge.

- Mike, I can't see.

(screaming)

- How come we can see and you can't?

- Oh, this is the cave
of the Flying Wallendas.

- Are you okay, Carol?

- I think so.

- It's a Sealy Posturepedic.

I just ripped off the tag though.

- I don't know.

Awfully sticky though.

How do we get loose?

- Have a little wine, maybe?

- It's just like glue.

- Oh great, I can finish my
color Ranchero car model.

Cool, oh, wow, with slicks-

- Ropey stuff we found up on the road.

(eerie screeching)

- What's that noise?

- I don't know.

Maybe something unspeakably horrible.

Oh, that's just a theremin.

No worry.

- It's a regular net
we're on, you know that?

- As compared to what?

- An irregular net?

- I suppose.

- Wholesale?

(eerie screeching)

- There it is again.

- Sounds like someone
or something has asthma.

- Yeah, get them a Primatene Mist.

(screaming)

- Oh, come on, it's only
a process shot, honey.

Don't worry, it's nowhere near us.

(screaming)

Oh, well see you, Carol.

I got to go.

- Hey, hey, hey, there's
a time and place for that.

- Now is not the time.

- Okay, wait a second,

wait a second. I gotta,
Mike and Carol were here.

Okay, let's go.

- Hey, come back.

I'm actually beneficial.

I eat harmful household pests.

Jim Morrison drank my venom.

- Household pets?

- Great effect.

He's climbing on a postcard.

- Oh.

- Did your dad like bran?

- I can't say for sure
without having it analyzed,

but it does look like a
large piece of natural silk.

- What did we tell you?

- But that doesn't necessarily
prove there's a giant spider.

That part's pretty hard to swallow.

- But we saw it!

- I know a lady who swallowed a spider.

- Maybe my son is not in the
habit of lying, Mrs. Kingman.

- That isn't what Helen meant.

- Not much.

- Whether we believe their story or not,

a man to see about it is the sheriff.

- But we didn't see the deputy.

- Yeah, sure, see the sheriff.

We did.

- He didn't believe them.

- Okay.

- That's it, I'm calling Pants World now.

(telephone ringing)

- Hey, it's Alan Hale and Stuart Pankin.

(laughing)

- Hello, rock-stupid cops.

- Oh yes, Mr. Kingman.

What can I do for you?

Don't go yet, it's only
a high school teacher.

- One more game.

- Well, you know these
teenagers as well as I do,

Mr. Kingman.

Yeah, what will they think of next?

- They're goofballs, you know?

(laughing)

- Spiders?

I told them to bring me one,

and I'd believe it.

- Well, I can't say I blame you, Sheriff.

Naturally, I didn't call you
up to get you to investigate

abnormal insect life,

but Flynn is still missing.
- I love him.

The officers found
traces of him out there.

- What are they?

- You may be doing yourself a
favor if you looked into that.

- Well, you took the words
right out of my mouth,

Mr. Kingman.

- And he took a doughnut
out of my mouth. (laughing)

It's just one more.

- I love those.

- We're rounding up a
search party right now.

Get half a dozen men.

Spencer, Haskell, maybe old Jake.

Anyone else that isn't busy.

- Biscuits, coleslaw,
just get the Meal Maker.

- See?

- Well, I'll need those two kids with us

to point things out,

and if you want to come
along too, that's fine.

- You know, I think
that's Gary Busey's dad.

- Don't you worry,

we'll bring rifles-

- Maybe because Gary Busey.

- Run into that spider.

(laughing)

Anything else on your mind?

- Well, speaking of spiders,

are you sure rifles are just the thing?

Insects have a pretty simple
nervous system, Sheriff.

You could plug holes in one all day

and never hit a vital spot.

- Oh, it's fun.

- You want to be on the safe side,

call the pest control
people in Springdale.

Have them send out all
the DDT they can find.

- Good.

(laughing)

Giant spider, what next?

- So I was sitting by
myself and I said, "Spider."

(laughing)

I crack me up.

- You smell like chicken.

- What the hell is that?

- Now bring your bug juice and let's go.

- What are we using it at?

- Does it make any difference?

- Well, I've got to mix the DDT according

to what you want killed.

- What will I tell him, Professor?

Spiders?

(laughing)

- Is the usual dose.

- Make it 50.

- I'll have to charge you extra.

- Hey, they were a double
golden slasher time, guys.

He said 50.

Let's do it.

(upbeat music)

- Ah, yeah.

Oops, I slipped on a
little of your dad there.

I'll have to throw my shoe in the grave.

(laughing)

- Oh, that's cute.

- I suppose you're going to tell me

this is your dad's truck,

and the spider did this?

(laughing)

- The spider grabbed the truck.

- Okay, bunny hop, everybody.

Let's make this fun.

- I got to squeeze through here.

Watch our for your dad's head.

(laughing)

- Everybody venerate the truck as you go.

It's a hoot.

(laughing)

- Come on, Pokey.

- Now I suppose you're going
to tell me this is a cave.

(laughing)

- Oh, I broke my heel.

Carry me.

(laughing)

- Which way, kids?

- Straight ahead.

- Now why did they invite the milkman?

- Oh, something new was coming to town.

- You can't tell the
difference with their hats off.

- It looks like you had this room done

in early paleolithic here.

(chuckling)

- Hey, this music wasn't here before.

- Elk Master on the scene.

- Someplace, make a nice Elks hall,

you know that?

- Where would the Brewmeister
and the pull tabs go?

- You think we'll find that
girl's pa in here alive?

- Hell no.

Oh sorry.

- The spiders have a habit of
stunning their prey with venom

and storing them in a silk bag

til they're ready to feed on them.

- Like an Anne Klein?

- I suppose.

- Not quite.

They drain the liquid from the bodies,

leaving only the skin and bones.

- So we're looking for a drunk spider?

- Mind you've got.

Alright, let's look for Flynn,

and don't lose sight
of the man next to you.

No sense in anyone getting lost.

- Well, look for a dry guy in a silk bag.

Pass it down.

- Buddy up and enjoy the scenery.

No sense in wasting that.

- Oh wait a minute.

That says Arne Saknussemm on this wall.

- This is a waste of time.

You know something?

I haven't seen a spider yet,

and I don't think we will.

- You will if he's still there.

- It'd be just dialogue if he
moved into the next county.

(laughing)

- I don't think you'll be disappointed.

There's something in here all right.

You'd naturally expect
to find a certain amount

of wildlife in a cave.

Rats, mice, bats, and so on.

- The occasional Japanese soldier.

- You don't.

They've been frightened out.

- Ah.

- I'm Batman.

(rifle shooting)

- Oh, now we have to pay Jack Nicholson.

- No wildlife, eh Kingman?

- Not anymore.

- That's about as big
as they come, I'd say.

- I wouldn't handle it if I
were you. It might have rabies.

- Or girl germs.

(eerie music)

- I know that theremin
is around here somewhere.

- Are you happy now?

I buried it.

- There, it's buried.

Want to say a few words over it, Sheriff?

- Oh sure.

Dear Lord-
(Carol screaming)

(crying)

- Oh, the snap's in the front, you dummy.

- It's her father.

(music intensifying)

- Doh, it's Rose Kennedy.

Looking good.

- Hey, is that Statler or Waldorf?

- When you get back to town,

make out a coroner's report.

Just put down Jack Flynn as the name.

- Dry's the game.

- Cause of death?

- It was a spider.

It drained all the liquid out of his body.

- Just put down cause unknown,

and let the coroner worry about the rest.

- And put some lotion on him or something.

He looks like hell.

- That's the trouble with you egg-heads.

You jump to conclusions.

I know what I see,

and I see a dead man,

but I don't see any spider.
- Do we pretend to know why,

but I know what I like.

- Where was the web?

- Right through there.

Wait a minute, you don't
know what you're doing.

You can't just walk in there.

- Why not?

- You think I'm going
to die a horrible death

like her old man?

I'm kidding.

- Were are you close to him?

- Nah, nonsense.

Some circus act from out of town did that.

- Hmm, yeah, oh, oh,
big, oh, no, ooh, ooh.

- Find any giant spiders, Sheriff?

- Ah, shut up.

- Get that DDT in here quick.

- PDQ ASAP, you SOB.

(tense music)

- Here, you'd better put these on.

- I suggest you spray that whole cavern

so it'll get it when it comes back.

- Hey, who ordered the Hunan beef?

- They all look like Spy Vs. Spy now.

- All right, get in the clock now.

All right, you jump in there.

You die first.

- You know, this is great.

It's really quite comfortable.

It's nice.

- Get down here.

You have got to be kidding me, Pyle.

- You know, those guys
are pretty much toast,

or, you know, a light snack at least.

(mumbling)

(spraying)

(screeching)

- Sounds like Jim Morrison.

(chuckling)

- I love it when my food's delivered.

(imitating spider screeching)

- Uh-oh.

- Help me, help me!

- No, Dr. Earhart, no!

- So that's what happened to him.

- Wow.

- Enjoy.

(screaming)

- Oh, I'll get a giant
paper towel and smush it.

- Ugh.
- Not him, the spider.

- He died as he lived,

with jelly all over his face.

- Oh, everybody would have left him.

(intense music)

Oh, it's been a big day.

I'm tired.
- Mm-hmm.

- Carol?
- Hey, hey, I've got her.

She's mine.

- You think it'd be better if
I talked to your mother first?

- No, thanks.

I can do it.

- I'm ready to believe you can.

- The box with the bracelet.

- Are you sure you had it?

- Better go back.

- It was in this pocket.

Maybe I dropped it in there.
- You can't go back there now.

The place is full of gas.

- That was me.

I'm sorry.

- We'll come back some
other time together.

- Nice shooting, Mr. Carson.

- Hey, Haskell, when you get back to town,

tell old Warren to get right out here

and board this entrance up.

- Right, sir.

- Well, if you do,

I suggest you put a big wide door in it.

The whole world is going
to want to come here

and take a look at that thing down there.

- What's your idea that
- Water slide maybe?

the town should charge admission?

- That isn't what I was thinking of.

You know what we egg-heads
are like, Sheriff.

We want to know why this,

how come that,

what about the other?

- Can't finish a sentence.

- It's a matter of scientific interest

to find out what made that creature.

- Hey, you got some deputy on your face.

- It's too late now.

It'd dead.

- The spider is,

but not the principle
that caused it to grow.

That's still for us to discover.

- Well why bother?

- We have to put an end to it.

Otherwise there may be more giant spiders

coming into the world.

- They may even be
hatching from their eggs

in some remote spot right now.

Do you realize how easy it would be

for them to overcome us humans?

And instead of being the hunters,

we'd become the hunted.

- Heavy.

- They'd be our masters.

They'd live on us.

- What would you suggest
the Sheriff's Office

of River Falls do about it, Mr. Kingman?

- Close the beaches.

- Bring that spider up into the daylight.

- Time to go, guys.
- Have him studied properly.

- Now, if you want to do it,
go ahead and leave me out.

It's not my job,

and I don't want any part of it.

- Okay, Sheriff.

(upbeat music)

- We are Spidoor!

- This is going to be really cool.

- On the count of four.

Let's wail, one, two, three, four!

- Let's rock this mother!

- Hold, hold on, Gypsy.

This isn't some frivolous,
stupid bubblegum music

we're trying to play.

This is an ambitious rock opera.

- Yeah, kind of like what
Kiss would play, you know?

- Joel, Joel, Joel, I got news for you.

Kiss were never cool.

- Well, everybody back at
Ashwaubenon High School

used to love Kiss.

- Great, you spent your adolescence

with a bunch of geeky losers,

and now it's our cross to bear?

- Nobody calls Ashwaubenon Jaguars

a bunch of geeky losers.

- Come on, Joel.

We were thinking our
rock opera would be more

along the lines of '70s
progressive rock bands,

like Yes, Gentle Giant, King Crimson,

Emerson Lake and Palmer.

(sobbing)

- What's with her?

- Take it easy.

That's okay, honey.

Don't ever mention Emerson
Lake and Palmer around Gypsy.

Take it easy.

That's okay.

Okay, let's wail you guys.

- Spidoor!

- We are Spidoor!

One, two, three, four!

(screaming)

Quick, Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine.

- What the Hector Alonzo's going on?

What's all that bracket down there?

- Well it's just us.

We're getting ready to
play our rock opera.

- You don't have a permit
for electronic instruments.

I'm sorry.

Nobody said anything about that.

- Hey, who are you anyway, Pops?

- I'm from the planet Xephelodian.

We provide maintenance
and janitorial services

for the universe.

I'm the custodian of the Seventh Galaxy.

- Wow, a custodian from the Seventh Galaxy

is from the planet Xephelodian.

He's perfect for our rock opera!

- You have got to be kidding me.

A rock opera?

Is it femme like Kiss,

or is it boring and pretentious

like Emerson Lake and Palmer?

(groaning, sobbing)

- Oh no, Gypsy.

Brain salad surgery.

- Hey, don't blame me.

I didn't do it.

- Don't worry, I'll beam
some sawdust over to you.

Just let me get it out of my locker.

Check my keys here.

Oh, I got to go.

There's a pep rally on Trielphamagore.

I got to get a good seat.

Beat it.

Quiet for God's sake.

Keep it down.

- Great, now we've got
to clean up Gypsy's mess.

Geez, those high school janitors

are always so weird and creepy.

- We should chip in and buy
him something for Christmas,

you know?

- Yeah, actually that
stuff would go really good

with our new Spidoor stage set.

Let's wail!

Spidoors are go!

One, two, three, four!

(alarm blaring, screaming)

(doors slamming open)

I'd like to know what that
janitor has to do with anything.

- We were just about wail.

- Oh, thanks.

- Ooh, those things chafe.

- Usually if nature produces a freak,

it dies immediately,

because it can't adapt itself to life.

- Kind of like Hudson Hawk.

- It's what we ordinarily
call a bird spider.

- Yeah, this one's called
a big flipping bird spider.

- Perfect phrases.

Perfect in every detail.

- What's the matter with spiders.

- On the floor, four eyes.

- Fraser, are you hurt?

- Come on, Joe, are you
going to take that from him?

He's just a big dumb spider.

Come on.

- I'm sure it's dead.

- How come it kicked me?

- It's just a muscular contraction.

Davanni's reaction it's called.

It often happens.

- Not to me, it doesn't.

If it can do that when it's dead,

I'd sure hate to meet it somewhere alive.

- You know, you are funny, Friend.

- I don't think he's funny.

Daddy's dead and everyone's making jokes.

- This music's making me retch, Mom.

Turn it off.

- Oh, still upset about Dad?

That gutter snipe would have traded you

for a case of German beer any old day.

- I can't help it, Mother.

- I know.

I loved him too.

- Sometimes, like the day he was sober.

- I keep thinking it was my fault.

- Well, granted.

- How could it be?

- It never would have happened

if he hadn't gone to get me that present.

- Good point.

- I've lost him.

- You mustn't think of it that way, Carol.

- Well, that's all broken up.

- Drop it in that cave.

I wanted so much to keep it, Mother.

- Forget about it now, dear.

You have your homework to
get ready for tomorrow.

- I don't want you getting bad grades

just 'cause Dad's worm food.

- Oh, and I forgot.

Mike called you twice before
you got home from school,

and said he would be at
his father's theater.

- His father!

(mock sobbing)

(gentle music)

- Dial 1-900-Boring-Boyfriend.

He'd love to talk to you about
his uncle from Milwaukee.

- Right now.

- Hello, Mr. Simpson.

Can I talk to Mike?

- Hey, what kind of sin must a man commit

in a single night.

- Mike?

You're wanted on the phone.

- And I get my shirts from the laundry.

(chuckling)

- Oh boy, I get to walk past
that poster again, cool.

- Everywhere.

- Hi, Mike.

This is Carol.

You said you'd take me out to
the cave to find the bracelet.

- I lied.

- You don't mean right now, do you?

- If you can get away.

Please, Mike?

- Carol, not today.

My dad just got in a new picture

and I haven't even seen it yet.

Something about puppet people.

It sounds pretty wild.

- Please?

- Shame on you, Bert I. Gordon.

- Okay, Carol.

I think I can borrow Joe's car again.

- Only don't come by the house for me.

I don't want Mother to
know I'm going out there.

- All right, I'll be,

I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes.

- I'll be waiting.

- I'll see ya, Dad.

I got a date now.

- Where will you be?

I said, where would you be if I want you?

- Wait, aren't you going to watch

that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie?

- It looks like an ad for Dockers.

- Old high school.

- Hey, Joe!

- Hey, where are you going
with that gun in your hand?

- Hi.

- Hey, you remember that
five bucks I loaned you?

- Sure, it was last Christmas

and I paid it back.

- All I mean is I'm your friend.

You know that, don't you?

- You want to borrow five bucks is all?

- No, no.

Could Carol and I use your
wagon for a couple of hours?

- Again?

What's the big deal?

- What do I have sucker stamped my head?

- Look, we're friends, Joe.

Just remember that.

- Why don't you come to the rehearsal?

- Look, my mouth is getting tired.

Are we friends or aren't we?

- Okay, okay.

The car's in the driveway.

You'll find the keys in-

- The glove compartment.

Where else?

- Why do I have so many friends?

- Thanks, Joe.

- Hey, that's Harvey Keitel.

- Oh, the pain.

- Come on, Joe.

We've got problems.

No show today, it's off limits.

- Maybe it's a frat party?

- But we've got to get in.

The dance is tomorrow night.

Other cats will have a blast
if we don't swing solid.

- Yeah, what he said.

- Hey, let's get the janitor.

- Janitor.

- Janitor.

- That's how it fits in.

- They can't hang us for trying, can they?

Hugo?

Hey, Hugo!

- Hugo!

- Looking for his car?

- Who's calling Hugo?

- There he is.

- Well now, what's the matter here?

- Someone threw up.

Got some sawdust?
- We want in.

- We've got to develop our talents.

- You'll have to use the
auditorium til further notice.

Principal's orders.

- No can do.

The drama class is there.

- I can't help that.

Thing here is tricking up.

Told me particular not to let nobody in.

- Particular.

- Well, he didn't mean us.

He met squares.

We're the coolest zoologists in town.

- No sirree.

The moving people are coming here tonight

to move that thing to the university.

- Help me find my chin.

- Want to do afterwards.

- In the dead of night?

Hugo, we're only little kids.
- What are you talking about?

You're 42.

- Well, all right.

Your mom's first.

- Rubbish.

- Now I want you to behave yourself.

Don't monkey with that thing.

- Dig that?

Now the first guy who
steps on daddy long legs

is going to hear from Hugo!

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I got to go play
with my pig, Arnold.

(tense music)

- Say.

- Imagine if they had the
budget to show it all.

(whistling)

- Look, spider, all of us got
together and voted you out.

- It's big, all right.

- Hey, maybe the drama class
is through with the auditorium.

Let's blow this place.

It gives me the creeps.

- What is it, Superman?

Chickening out?

- Well, certainly not.

- Well then, stop goofing off, huh?

- That's a nice process shot.

(playing piano)

Okay, we'll open with Rite of Spring

and then kick into Blue Suede Shoes.

- All right, let's start
with the opening number.

And don't go to sleep on it.

Play with everything you've got.

- Especially the instruments.

- Sorry.

- Play good and loud.

- More rock bands could use conductors.

- Okay!

(screaming)

- It's the New Christy Minstrels.

- Hey, what goes on here?

- It's the drama class, what else?

- All right, either come in or get out.

Don't stand there and scream.

We're rehearsing.

- Theater freaks.

- One, two, three, four.

- Four and a half.

(rock and roll music)

- Missed the downbeat.

- Well, okay, let's go.

(yelling in surprise)

- Oh, they walked right through us.

That's weird.

- Now he's doing his Charlie Callas.

I think this guy peaked in high school.

- Come on, boogie.

Everybody, come on.

- Oh, now they're Voguing.

- Yep, strike a pose.

- Geez, I hate this music.

Don't you know any "Spider" John Koerner?

Come on.

- Hey, swing it, cats.

Ooh, you know, you should
really get that guy on a stool.

- Hike up your pants now.

Hike, hike, hike up.

Hey, you almost see her knees.

- I got eight legs.

I want to dance.

(chuckling)

- Whoa, girl catching.

- Look at me.

- Miss Miller on drums.

- I'm some Buddy Rich cha-cha.

- Come on everybody,

do the Dorky Old White Guy!

- Gotta dance.

- Legs Diamond.
(screaming)

- Oh, Louis, come on.

- Wanna play Melancholy Baby quick.

- Oh, someone must have puked big time.

I'll get extra sawdust.

- Whoa! I'm gonna lock them kids in there.

(tense music)

Not the wrestling trophies!

(telephone ringing)

Wait for the beep.

- [All] Wait for the beep.

♪ Nobody's home ♪

♪ Nobody's home ♪

♪ Nobody's home ♪

- The count is up five, $325.

- Hello, Frank Sinatra Junior residence.

Can I help you?

- What? Oh, no,

not a crane shot.

No, no, not the crane shot! No!

- Mommy, Mommy, oh, I love you.

- Mr. Oh my God Crunch, crunch.

- Hello?

- Look, spit out whatever
you're chewing and start over.

Hmm.
- If anyone comes for me,

I'll be at Sander's funeral.

(car horn honking, telephone ringing)

I'll get it.

- Phone talking.

- What Sanders was,

you've got plenty to live up to.

- Nice smock, Gramps.

- Sheriff's Office, Cagle speaking.

- Alan Hale Jr,

I said you looked like Alan Hale Jr.

- All right, Mr. Kingman,

I'll meet you at the school.

You stay here and answer the phone.

- Helen?

- What is it, Art?
- Hey, where'd that come from?

- It'd be a good idea

if you stayed inside the house for awhile.

- Oh, and I was just
going to take the baby

for his checkup and do
some shopping for dinner.

- Stay in the house, Helen.

No matter what.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

- Oh, and I'll need the baby for bait.

- Dad seems pretty mad.

He's not my real father, is he?

- Hey man, stop driving so fast.

- Miller!

- Wow, it's a soapbox derby racer.

- Bet they had their dad help build it.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- Well, that was a
pivotal scene in the film.

- Plot point.

- Hey, Bucko, nice car.

- That baby really gets good mileage.

- Yeah, it does.

- Some fins.

(screaming, feet pounding)

- Some kids.

Supposed to be scared or something.

- Eh, recess.

(rifle shooting)

- Say, does anyone know
where the plant is?

Or the mattress company?

(screaming)

- This is a good place to hide.

I hide here a lot.

- I'll just be going then.

I got to get the groceries.

Start, come on, baby.

(screeching)

Sorry, I can't give you a ride,

but I got a thing to,

with my doing,

and oh man.

- For crying out loud.

Come on, get in, dummy.

Get in.

- Ah, don't worry.

You won't get past the tree.

That's where the shots stops.

See?
(siren wailing)

- It's the special effects siren!

Everybody run!

- No, one long wail means
giant spider warning,

or is it a watch?

I keep forgetting.

- Conditions are right for a giant spider.

- You know, life is simple
here at Grover's Corner.

(metal smashing)

- Joe Doakes, he wasn't
a very good driver.

He's nursing a sick friend.

(screaming)

- Hey, hey, hey, it's Crazy
Days in downtown Buffalo.

Everything must go!

Everything is marked down!

(screaming)

- The door handle, honey.

Open the door handle.

- Everybody's afraid of these crane shots.

- Oh, just a spider.

- Get inside!

- Come on, you'll catch
your death of cold.

I mean it!

- This is Sheriff Cagle speaking.

How's that call to the Capitol coming?

Well, hurry it up.

We want action here.

- Get off the streets!

- I mean it.

You're going to get it.

- Hello?

Sheriff Cagle here.

- Here's that case of beer, sir.

- Hello.

- Get off the streets!

- There, there!

Saved the town pretty much all by myself.

- Hello.

Hello?

- It's a liquor store.

- Operator, I've been cut off.

- By the bartender more
times than you can count.

(laughing)

- Okay, sister.

- That was Mother Teresa.

- Well, that's that.

The long distance lines are down.

- I got my motorcycle out back.

- He needs a longer tie.

- How long will it take
you to get to Springdale?

- Maybe an hour, maybe less.
- Longer if I die.

- Then get the governor on the phone.

Tell him we've got to have
troops from Fort Brown.

Also flame throwers and artillery.

Tell him we need DDT?

- No good.

The stuff just stunned it.

- All right, Dave, on your way.

- Dave's a good friend.

(eerie screeching)

- Hey, the spider's going to get his mail.

It's all he wanted.

- Well, you know.

- You know that spider's really neat,

but there's something really interesting

on that wall over there.

- Yeah, what are they looking at?

- Okay, go ahead.

- You guys want anything?

Okay, I'll just go then.

- Now he's a deputy-sicle.

- Ooh, that spider did take the mail.

Oh, now they'll never
get the swimsuit issues.

- Oh man, they could have waited

until I got to the hotel.

- Tonight's episode,

we are gathered here today to die.

(baby crying)

- Oh, we don't need to see this.

Come on.

- Damian, Damian?

- You just hear a kid crying?

- Who's the other guy?

- It's too soon for the troops to be in.

- I know,

I thought they might fly a
few men in with whirly birds.

- Oh, give them time.

- Whirly birds?

- Hey, isn't that Jake?

- Aren't you the Fat Man?

- Wait a minute, Jake!

- Hey Jake.

- Where to, Jake?

- I'm evacuating.

That darn monster run me
out of house and home.

- Which way was it heading?

- Toward Maple Street.

I've had it!

- You know if Jake's had it,

it really is bad.

- And how.

- Makes you think.
- Yep.

(upbeat music)

- Well now, here on Grover's Corner,

we just love the folks on Maple Street.

- It's just right now.

- No, the clams casino
was overcooked again.

(suspenseful music)

- You know, he's stressed out a bit.

Look how gray he's gotten.

- He's getting old.

(chuckling)

- I love this.

Ding dong, Avon calling!

(chuckling)

(baby crying)

(screaming)

- She anticipated that a little.

(plates crashing, crying)

(screaming)

- Can I come in?

(chuckling)

Hey, get off my lawn!

I just laid sod there.

- Well I guess I'm a bachelor again.

Well, that's not very smart.

Well, I guess I can play the field again.

I wonder if Betty's home.

- It's the spider march.

(humming along with tense music)

Boy, it's tough getting
around town without a car.

- The spider's made of liquid metal.

♪ Spider, spider ♪

♪ Spider, spider ♪

- Industrial Light and Magic,

you've done it again.

- Hey, I think I lost him.

♪ Spider, spider, spider, spider ♪

♪ I'm just hunting a spider ♪

♪ Spider ♪

- He's pulling on a Rockford on him.

♪ The spider isn't dumb ♪

♪ The spider's coming to town ♪

- That's good thinking.

Get out of your car and crouch.

- Wait for the marching band.

It's on its way.

♪ Spider, spider ♪

- I'll have to remember
this spot for camping.

It's really nice water,

good drainage.

- Hey look, it's the Munsters' house,

1313 Mockingbird Lane.

(whistling)

- Jeepers, what time is it?

Oh, no, I got to hurry.

I'm going to miss She's the Sheriff!

- Oh, for crying out. When
I come home from work,

I like a clean house.

Is that too much to ask?

- They've got bugs!

- You're all right, Helen.

It's gone away.

Help should be here soon,

now take it easy.

(baby crying)

- I can't take it.

Squalling baby, squalling women.

It's Cannery Row.

(telephone dialing)

- Hello, Charles Schwab?

Put everything in DDT.

- Sheriff?

Any news from Springdale yet?

- Not a word.

- Well, sun's up over the yard arm.

I've started drinking.

- Kingman says the spider's headed south

along the old Higgins Road.

- Hey, they brought in
Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

- Spider's either missing or he's dead.

- Well you gotta admire
his workmanship, you know?

- Mike, will you help me look for it?

- Yeah, okay.

- Come on, Mike.

- Hey Mike, nice legs.

- That's Carol.

- Oh.

- This isn't getting us anywhere.

Why don't I buy you another bracelet?

- Yeah, why don't I buy you a new dad?

- Besides, I'm broke.

- Yeah, what's up with
that if you're broke.

- When was the last time
you remember having it?

- Well, it was just
before I fell in the web.

I was up there and then I stumbled.

If I dropped it then,

it should be around here somewhere.

- You see it's all part
of the second plot point

that should be coming up any minute now.

What page of the script are we on?

- Mike?

- [Mike] Find it?

- No, but there's an opening down here.

- Oh cool, we'll fill out an application.

- Do you think it could
have fallen through?

- You're asking him to think?

- Hey, it looks like there's
another cave down there.

Maybe we can get into it
through this opening over here.

Come on.

- It's all part of the
super keen adventure

we're having just like the Goonies.

- Wow, there must be hundreds
of these caves down here.

- Just like the Carlsbad Caverns.

You can buy this shot in the gift shop.

- Hey, here's an idea.

Let's break our legs
and get hopelessly lost.

- Hello!
- Oh yeah.

- Look for my bracelet.

- Oh, I am looking.

- Maybe the bracelet's been
taken by the scary thing.

- So how long am I supposed to stand here?

- Here it is.

- No!

- I guess you're happy now.

- Oh, I am, no kidding.

- Good, then I guess we can go home.

Let's see, which way?

- That way.

- Okay, this time let me
keep this thing for you

till we get out, okay?

- You know, every couple should go

through this before marriage.

- Kind of like marriage encounters.

(tense music)

- On the sidewalk again.

30 minutes or less, huh?

I don't think so.

- Hey buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy.

- This guy isn't too subtle.

Most people put their
mattress in the van, you know?

(eerie screeching)

- So I left for Frisco with my bug

and a pound high-grade weed.

- Talk, all right, talk, come on!

Tell us where it is!

Does this hurt?

This is what your friend did to my friend.

- Wait, wait. I made a deal with the DA!

- Die, you creepy spider.

I called in Delawrence.

- Got to nip it in the bud.

- He sure does.

- Well, help oughta be here soon now.

- Snap, Crackle, check on it.

- We need more hats.

- Sheriff Cagle again, sister.

How soon before those long
distance lines to Springdale

are going to get fixed?

Another two hours maybe.

- That's surprising with a
bunch of nuns working on it.

- Okay, sister, keep working on it.

- And the nuns are working
on the phone lines?

Go figure.

- Open the door, will you, Simpson?

- Or whoever you are.

- Who is he?

- Hi, I want the deposit on this old guy.

(tense music)

- What is it?

- Mortimer Snerd, oh no!

- He's looked better.

- Where did you find him?

- Corner of Maple and Horton.

- He never got to Springdale for help.

- That puts us right
back where we started.

- All we've got to do is sit right here

and wait for that thing to come back

and finish us all off.

- Nice read, buddy.

- I was all in favor of sealing
off that cave sometime ago

while the monster was still in it.

Wasn't I, Kingman?

- You can do it right now.

- Here's someone who can help you.

- It went back to the cave.

- It's Walter Brennan.

- I've seen it.

- The thing to do is
to get lumber out there

and board that entrance up tight.

- Hey, who are you?

- Any better ideas?

- You're the road foreman,
aren't you, Mr. Haskell?

- I am.

- Do you have enough dynamite
to blow up the cave entrance?

- I can blow up half that
hill, if you want me to.

- That's so cute.

He's going to pitch his thoughts into it.

- Get the stuff.

We'll meet you at your place.

- Right.

- Simpson, you have been sworn in.

Take care of the office
for me until I get back,

and call the coroner.

The rest of you boys come with us.

- Snap, Crackle, we're
going to El's happy hour.

- I love a parade.

(telephone ringing)

- Who do I say I am?

- Sheriff's office, Simpson speaking.

- Oh, I thought that was his name.

- This is Joe, Mike's friend.

Remember me?

Oh yes, Joe.

What's the trouble?

- Well, I'm reading Red Book, and-

- I better tell the sheriff.

- Oh, he's not here now.

Maybe you'd better tell me.

What is it, Joe?

- Well, it's about my heap.

Somebody mooched it off of
me today to go for a ride.

- Somebody stole your mom?

- And it isn't back yet.

- What?

- After what that spider
did this afternoon,

well, I was just wondering if-

- It's a good idea to check.

What's the boy's name?

- [Joe] Well, it was Mike and Carol Flynn.

Did they get back yet?

- That's a strange name for a boy.

- No, at least I haven't seen them.

Did he say where they might be heading?

- No, sir.

- Thank you, Joe.

I'll look into it.

- Thank you.

You have provided us with
the second plot point

and the third act.

- Better get Bert I. Gordon on the phone,

and get those crappy
special effects ready.

- [Woman] Hello?

- Oh, this is Ben.

This is Mike Simpson's father.

(doors slamming shut)

- See, the big trick is to
not get any on the edges.

- Hey, Joel, what are Creeple People?

- Oh, Creeple People
are these really wacky

creepy people that use pencils and stuff

to make their bodies,

and then you bring it to school.

It's pretty neat.

Oh, hi everybody.

I was just teaching the bots
how to make Creepy Crawlers.

I found my old set,

and this batch is just
about ready to smell.

Crow, check it out.

(sniffing)

- Mm, that's good goop.

- Here, I'll be the
judge of that. Let's see.

Move over.

(sniffing)

Oh, it kind of smells like hot plastisol

with traces of calcium zinc,

the FDA approved stabilizer.

Now how's this different
than, say, Incredible Edibles?

- Well, Incredible Edibles
were the ones you could eat,

so I would probably say
they were both nontoxic-

- Nontoxic?

- Yeah, nontoxic was what they call things

when they're toys but you can
eat them in a won't hurt you.

There was Crayola crayons,
and plastic goop and Play-Doh,

and just about all of
the breakfast cereals,

now that I think about it.

But anyway, the real
thing that was dangerous

about this toy was the aluminum plates

that would heat up into
excess of 300 degrees.

- Well, didn't you little
kids back on Earth get burned?

- Yeah, I'll say we got burnt.

We got burned all the time.

It was just part of what
went with the territory

when you got to make your
own cool plastic toys.

We had a saying when I grew up:

Learn with a Creepy Crawler Maker,

burn with a Creepy Crawler Maker.

- Well what happened?

I mean, why can't kids today
play with the Thingmaker,

or all the neat accessories here?

Like the Creepy Crawlers,

or the Fun Flowers, or the Fright Factory,

or the Picadoos, or the Fright Men,

or the Mini-Dragons, or the Eeeeks?

- I'll tell you why.

Because some little kids
wrecked it for everybody.

They get burnt and go screaming
upstairs to their mammies.

The moms would call the FDA.

The FDA would call the manufacturer.

And before you could say,

"It's Mattel, it's swell,"

the great goop factories of Taiwan

were shut down forever.

- I was just reading something
about that the other day.

There were lots of really fun toys

hauled off the market in the '60s,

because kids were careless.

- I'll say.

The Suzy Homemaker Oven,

and the Wham-O Air Blaster,

- Lawn Darts.

- Lawn Darts, and Creepy
Crawlers, and the Vertibird.

It goes on and on like that.

- Poor dumb kids.

They never even knew.

- Well, I don't know if we can
really blame the kids, Crow.

You see, I really think that this society

is basically just still
crawling out of the slime,

or goop as we should say.

I think the real responsibility lies with

the toy designer of tomorrow.

- How's that Joel?

- Well, the toy designer of
tomorrow's responsibility

is to design action-packed,
intensely interesting,

and affordable toys

that are safe, soft, and colorful.

Goodnight.

- And may God bless.

(upbeat music)

- Mike, look!

- Oh, we're coming out
of the game thing then.

- That was neat.

- Certainly was a neat game thing we did.

Oh boy.

- I tell you there have
been people through here.

- Jack Weston!

Or George.

- George Weston, lost?

- Hello?

I'm George Weston.

- 1902.

- Mike!

- Ugh, grody.

- He must have starved to death.

I'm getting awfully worried, Mike.

- Me too, Carol.

- Why did I ever have
to bring you down here?

Go, Mike.

- All you do is bring me down, babe.

- Don't let her bring you down.
It's only castles burning.

- What do you suppose
your mother's thinking?

- Well, they wouldn't tell her.

She's in the hospital having a baby.

- And what about your dad?

- Dad? We're still trying
to find out who he is.

- I think he can take it.

- My mother can't.

Not after what happened to my father.

- Don't make yourself feel bad, Carol.

- I can do that for you.

- Don't you worry about it then.

- All of a sudden I feel hungry.

- Me too.
- Not for spider.

- I just remembered I've
got a candy bar with me.

- What are you going to have?

- It's a Clark Bar.

- Ugh, must have gotten
warm in your pocket.

It is good food, however.
(eerie screeching)

- Hey, did you just make a yummy noise?

- No, this always happens at dinner.

Have your little friend
go home now, will you?

- Convoy with Kris
Kristofferson and Ali MacGraw.

Up next is Kenny Rogers in Six Pack.

- Good movie.

♪ We are the men of Texico ♪

♪ The star ♪

- All right, you men, make it snappy.

Let's get that gear off that truck.

- Break out the little cocktail weenies.

- I'll just stay out here

and bark out belligerent fat-assed orders.

- Good, good, keep it coming.

Come on, come on.

Come on, oh, come on, Pops.

Is that all you can carry?

Take two next time.

- Yeah, case of Shabbos.

Good boy, good boy.

- Carol always lets me know
when she isn't coming home.

Always, but today.

I don't know.

She just wasn't herself.

She attached too much
importance to that bracelet.

Oh, I hope she and Mike haven't
gone back into that cave.

- Shut up, shut up!

- Carol, do you see?

This is the place where we got lost.

Oh, I know the way is through there.

- But the spider, Mike.

- We stay here, it will find us.

Come on, let's run for it.

- Let's find this place where we're safe

from these processed shots.

- There's the hole we fell through.

We haven't got far to go now.

I'll climb through the web.

- Hey, I saw this in Beastmaster
about 60 times on cable.

- Right after Roadhouse.

- Good movies.

- I'm stuck!

- Give me your hand.

Give me your hand.

- Hey, Moe, I'm stuck.

(eerie screeching)

- It's coming!

- It sounds like my
grandma in the morning.

- Let's get that extra
dynamite out of here.

- Ex-try?

- Well, that'll be the
end of our spider's night,

eh Kingman?

(chuckling)

- Maybe, but you said last time.

- Now this time it's for sure.

It's got to die.

No living organism can survive for long

once its food supply is cut off.

- We'll be ready to blow her
up in a couple of seconds.

- Let her blow when you're ready.

- Well, surely they'll see
our car at the entrance.

- I don't think so.

- Get back, all you men.

I don't want anyone hurt.

- Except for the kids in the cave.

(chuckling)

I can't see.

- Can't you carry more than a hammer?

(tense music)

- Then when Carol was three-

- Shut up, would you shut up?

- Isn't that Joe's car over there?

- Yes, it is.

- Why, yes.

- It's my car now!

(cackling)

(screaming)

(explosion rumbling)

- Oops, sorry kids.
- It's a trampoline.

- You know, just dawns on me.

I wonder if anyone is in that cave?

Maybe we should have checked.

- You sealed them up.

You're going to have to open
that cave and get them out.

- Now don't get excited.

We're going to do
everything for them we can.

How do we go about it, Haskell?

- Open up the cave again?

- Hmm.
- That's easy to say, Sheriff,

but it's going to take some doing.

Well we blew up tons of earth
and rock over that opening.

Brought half a hillside down.

- This guy must be Bert
Gordon's nephew or something.

- We better start clearing it away.

- It'll take days or maybe a week.

- There isn't that much time.

If the spider doesn't get them,

the bad air will.

- Well then we better get going,

the sooner, the better.

You've got a car.

Go into town and get them
to send out a bulldozer.

- And some sandwiches, whoever you are.

- See that flat shelf,

a little higher up the mountain?

Suppose we dug straight down from there?

- How about it, Haskell?

- Looks good to me.

Let's get those ropes, picks,
and shovels out of that truck.

Here's where we going to work.

- Who is that guy?

He's stinks like mummy meat.

- First they want us to close the cave,

then they want us to open the cave.

- What's your problem?

- You don't want to look at
it like that, Mrs. Flynn.

You've got to remember
that cave is a big place

and those kids have a lot of sense.

They'll find places where
the spider can't get at them.

- If we can dig our way in,

what's to keep it from getting at us?

- I don't know.

What do you say, Kingman?

- We got to have some kind
of an effective weapon.

I guess that that's obvious.

That power line across the hills.

- Which one?

Oh, that one?

- We could bring a cable over from there.

- What for?

- Get better reception.
- Electrocute the beast.

(tense music)

- Big, sweaty men working long hours

to get the job done,

desperately in need of Aqua Velva.

- Quarter mile of insulated copper cable

this side of Springdale.

- Check in my trunk.

- Seems to me I saw a lot
of that stuff in there.

- Do you want to go for
it in the truck, Simpson?

- Yeah.
- Kinky.

- Go for it in the truck.
- What?

- How's it coming?

- Not bad, but we have plenty to go.

- Stay off the moon.

(imitating wind whistling)

- Oh, hey, what the?

- Hey, did the earth move for you, honey?

That was great.

- Feeling a little rocky this morning.

- I really got stoned last night.

- Carol!

Carol!

Carol!

- Oh, I feel so dirty.

- Where is it?

- Looks like the Wall
concert got out of hand.

- Let's go.

Can you make it?

- I'll be all right.

- Wait, you got your bracelet?

- Would you forget that darn bracelet.

- But I need my bracelet.

- Oh, fine.
- Wait!

(upbeat music)

- Yeah, I got this
dynamite from the coyote.

Hope it doesn't roll back up on me.

(whistling)

- Now watch the old walrus move now.

(laughing)

- Is this the place we came in?

- I'm sure it was!

- Not anymore.

- They blew up the opening.

- What do we do?

- Panic?

(rumbling)

- What was that?

- Oh, some blasted thing.

- It sounds like blasting. I
bet they know we're in here.

I bet they're trying to get us out!

Help!

- [Both] Help!

- Help!

- Help!

- Help!

- They can't hear us.

Maybe if we get closer
to where they're working.

- Smart.

- Gee, we got one deer leg.

We're going to use it everywhere.

- [Both] Help! Help!

- [Mike] We're down here!

- You have to be heard,
understood, and pleasing.

Use plenty of lip and tongue action.

- Help.

- Louder.

- Help, we're down here.

(calling for help in distance)

- Chad, I hear someone.

- Calvin Klein Jeans.

- Mike, Carol, we hear you!

- But we don't care!

- It's Kingman.

They heard us!

(screeching)
- I hear you too.

(screaming, chuckling)
- If it's not one thing,

it's another in this crazy cave.

Whew.

- Oh look, I got a walleye,

a couple of northerns.

No big lunkers here.

- And this is the power
line foreman, Kingman.

He's going to help us
when the cable gets here.

I thought you'd be the
one to brief him on-

- I'll pants him,

but I won't brief him.

- My idea's to tie into that power line,

take a couple of electrodes into the cave,

get the spider between them,

and turn on the juice.

We want to create an
electric arc, you see?

So it jumps through its body,

like a bolt of lightning.
- You think it will work?

- It could.

How about electrodes?

- Simpson's bringing them.

Have you got tools and rubber gloves?

- In my Jeep.

All we need is the cable
and we're ready to go.

- That could be Simpson now.

(screeching)

(panting)

- I think the restrooms
are over here, honey.

- Yeah.

- It's a wonderland of
enchantment and bemusement.

- Ledge. If we can get
out far enough on it,

the spider can't follow us.

- Oh, come on.

It's his house.

I'm sure he knows his way around.

- Don't be scared.

Just hold onto me.

- Seems like kind of a
tenuous place to walk.

- Don't trip.

Don't trip.

- Noon in, noon in.
- Noon in, don't trip.

- Noon in, noon in, noon in.

- Tickle, tickle tickle.

- Kaboom.

- Don't drop.

- Don't trip.
- Fall.

Don't fall.

- Hmm, they're way up there.

- It's either an ice cream castle,

or the biggest pipe organ ever.

- Scenic Pipe Organ Rock.

(cracking, screaming)

- Oops.

- We did that.

- Way to, whoa!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, save it.

- Not the time.

- Where are they?

- Oh, well he's going to need
a new language club jacket.

- Mike?

- Yeah, what?

- There's nothing to walk on over here.

- I knew that.

- We can't get back.

(pounding)

- Give me that thing.

- Now go do that Don Henley video

and get outta here.

- Does that sound hollow or am I crazy?

- Yes, and yes.

(pounding)

- We broke through.

Do you hear me?

We broke through!

- Send down the old man!

(pounding)

- All night long plaque
works on your teeth,

eroding the cavity.

Crest, Crest.

- Thank you, Yukon Cornelius.

- How are they doing down
there? Is Carol all right?

- We're going down after
them now, Mrs. Flynn.

- It may take a little
while before we find them,

but we'll send up news as fast as we can.

- So shut up.

- As soon as I get down there,

pass along the cable and electrodes.

Keep it coming. See that
I have plenty of slack.

No telling how much I'll
need once I'm below.

- Everyone needs slack.

- Wait for the equipment.
- You wait for the equipment.

I'll see you below.

- It's bio teacher on the go,

wearing his Farah action slacks.

- Rest of you men,

follow that equipment.

- Come on Em.

- Okay. Mr. Douglas.

(chuckling)

- Carol!

Mike!

- You didn't clean up your rooms

like your mothers asked
you to, you to, you to.

- Carol!

Mike!

Carol!

- Hey Carol, it's them!

- Not them!

Not the big ants!

- They're coming for us.

What did I tell you?

Hey, we're in here!

- Help!

- Kelp?

They're asking for seaweed?

- I don't understand.

- Why don't we split up?

All right, you men stay here.

- Sheriff, better go armed.

- Yeah, let's have my rifle.

- I'll take Lucille.

Come on, honey, we got some dancing to do.

- I'm Neptune, god of the ocean.

- Mike, Mike!

- Carol, look!

(screeching)

- Ah, mind if I hang out?

(chuckling)

Little spider joke.

- Ooh, very real.

- Sheriff, this way.

(screeching)

- What's he got?

A candelabra there?

(screeching)

- Thank god for long extension cords.

- Somebody shaved his butt.

- Like a monkey.

- You're existentialist,

I'm the precipice, man.

- Catch, Mike!

- I got it!

Now what?

- There's a rubber glove.

Put it on.

- We're going to make you do dishes.

(screeching)

- Here we go.

- Tell them to hook us up.

- Okay!

- Okay!

- Okay!

- [Both] Okay!

- Whoa!

Hey, Professor, does this count as a lab?

- Early tanning beds.

- This will cure his depression, you see?

- Tell them to turn off the juice.

- Hold it!

- Hold it!

- Give it all you got!
- Hold it!

More juice!

- Got a cigarette, Carol?

- Let's get the kids off the ledge.

- I left Dave up there
to seal the entrance.

Oh no!

- Oh, Sheriff, where's Carol?

Where is she?

- She's all right, Mrs. Flynn.

We had a little trouble getting

the kids off a narrow
ledge they were trapped on.

- And use hooks.

- Excuse me.

- Melvin, send down a body bag,

and make sure there's room for a bracelet.

- Oh, Mother.
- Oh, Carol.

I'm awfully sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you this way.

Honestly, I couldn't help it.

- Mike, you're all right?

- I'm okay.

I guess I was a lot of
trouble to you, wasn't I, Dad?

- Come on son.

- I've enlisted you in the army.

- Oh, he's his dad.

- It's like Moliere.

- Go on up.

It's all right.

Everything's out of the cavern.

I checked.

- Oh yeah, you checked
last time too, Dick weed.

Don't you remember?

- Thanks, Jake.

- And the Fat Man.

- Good night, Haskell.

Thanks for everything.

Sure took you long enough down there.

- I was checking up.

- And anything left behind?

- Nothing but a dead spider.

- Eh, this time he's going to stay dead.

Dead and buried.

- Let's say at least until
some egg-head comes along

and digs it up again.

- Wait, we're waiting for Carol's mom!

She's still down there!

Oh, what are you doing?

- Oh no!

- Oops, too late for her.

(dramatic music)

(coughing)

- When in New Mexico visit Carlsbad Caves:

No bombs, we promise.

(laughing)

- Oh, that's rich.

What a fun show.

- I love stuff like that.

- Or is it?

- Okay, my little clackety-clack pals.

You ready to do your homework?

- What's this?

Can I go first?

Please, please?

Oh, Joel, please, please!

Please can I go first?

- I hear you, buddy.

Any, any objections, Crow?

- No, no, nothing, nothing.

Go, oh sure, Servo.

By all means, take your time.

- Yeah, give it a shot, Tom.

- Okay, thank you.

My assignment was to trace
the major themes apparent

in the films of helmer Bert I. Gordon.

Gordon's films have a
number of dominant themes.

First, he tends to glue dinosaur spines

on poor unsuspecting
iguanas and chameleons,

as demonstrated here by
the pert and plucky Gypsy.

Gypsy?

- Say, nice.

(roaring)

All right.

- Good job.

- Nice job.

Thank you, Gypsy.

- Nice idea using the visual aid.

- Are you listening to me?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you. Another theme
in Mr. Gordon's films

is the scientist who create something,

let's get out of control,

and then won't have anything to do

with this hideous perversion
until it's too late.

Gordon also enjoyed using
veteran character actor,

Russ Spender,

and the lilting music of Albert Glasser.

The end.

- Very good job,

and you get a delicious fleshy RAM chip,

and Gypsy for being his assistant.

- RAM chip, oh!

- Okay, Crow, are you ready?

- Yeah. I, yes.

- You want to give it a shot?
- This should be good.

You're on the floor.

- Okay, my topic was the autobiography

of Bert I. Goran.

- Gordon, Gordon.

- What?

- Bert I. Gordon, with a D.

- Goran.

- I said that.

Okay, hey, shut up, Servo.

Okay, Bert I. Gord Don was
born September 24, 1922

in Kenosha, Wisconsin.

Not surprisingly, Orson
Welles was born in Kenosha

only eight years before,

which explains the stark similarities

between their films.

- Huh?

- Take, for example,

the Magnificent Ambersons,

and its stylistic carbon copy,

The Attack of the Puppet People.

And of course,

it's no secret that
there was a giant spider

in the first reel of
Attack of the Citizen Kane,

the original title of the film,

which was shamelessly cut

by the studio while Welles vacationed

in Malta with his friend.

Guess who?

Bert I. Gordon.

Compare Touch of Evil
with Empire of the Ants.

Compare The Trial to our
Kafkaesque Peter Graves

in Beginning of the End.

- Hey-

- Compare-

- Compare Tom Servo,

who did his lesson,

to Crow who gets a black
spot on his forehead

for not doing his homework
and deconstructing

the Director's Guide
and making the rest up.

(snickering)

Now we got to read a letter here, okay?

- Can I, can I, can I, can I?

- No, no, Tom's going to read it.

Okay, put this up on Still Store.

Okay.
- Put it down here.

Let's give it a shot.

- [Tom] This is cool.

Dear MST-3000, my brother and I think

your show is very funny.

Thank you.

We wish your show would last longer.

Thank you, it's long enough.

Oh, look at these pictures here!

It says Crow,

sorry I drew you like Big Bird.

(laughing)

Tom, sorry.

I drew you like Frosty the Snowman.

(laughing)

Joel, I'm sorry I drew you like Ernie.

- Oh, that's okay.

- That's from Nicki and Alexei.

And there's a PS.

Don't you wish you had some women?

- Don't you wish we had some women?

- Huh, what are those?

- Well, yeah, sure.

- Don't we all?

- Yeah, anyway, now it's
time to read the address.

- I can do that.

I'll read that.

I can do that.

- And you know who's going
to do it is Gypsy today.

(cheering)

- All right, Gypsy.

- You have got to be kidding me!

- Put it on the screen.
- Tough luck, Crow.

- Send your letter to

- Mystery, mystery.

- Send your letter to-
- Mystery.

- Mystery Science-
- Yay!

- Good job, Gypsy.

Good job, man.

- You did good.
- That was very good.

- That's good.
- Very good, girl.

- What do you think, sirs?
- What a bunch of kiss-ups.

- Oh, sorry, clam dog,

you'll have to excuse me.

Frank's eaten all the
buttons off the cheese phone,

including some of the
parts that weren't edible.

He's got enough salt and
enzymes in him right now

to kill a mule deer.

Gary Mule Deer.

Frank, do you think you
can hit the console?

I've prepared a little injection for you.

Frank, no, no, not on the console!

Oh my God.
(groaning)

Oh, geez.

I guess I'm going to
need some sawdust now.

(majestic music)

- I said, "Mister, this isn't your seat.

"You see, I've been sitting
here a whole lot longer

"than you seem to think I
have, and I think that."