Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 4, Episode 24 - Master Ninja II - full transcript
Lee Van Cleef and Timoty Van Patten are back in this "sequel" to their last "movie" about a ninja and his apprentice battling evil wherever they go. During the breaks, Joel and the Bots dabble in improv with hard suggestions from Gypsy, though their act beats the Mads' improv by a mile. To cope with the improv fiasco, the Mads introduce the Buffet Conveyor Belt to help bring the buffet right to the table while Joel and the Bots introduce the Gerbilsphere 2, though the results doesn't quite justify the labor. Later, the Bots introduce their ideas for custom vans based off of Van Patten's from the "movie" and Crow is General Timothy Van Patten. Tom then provides ideas for animal sidekicks for all the fictional TV detectives out there. In the end, Joel introduces the Lee Van Cleef dress up doll (complete with love handles) and Frank insists that ABC bring back "The Second Hundred Years" before Dr. Forrester bashes in his head.
THEME SONG: In the
not-too-distant future,
next Sunday, AD.
There was a guy named Joel, Not
too different from you or me,
He worked at Gizmonic
Institute, just another face
in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job
cleaning up the face.
But his bosses didn't like him
so they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies.
The worst we can find.
La la la.
He'll have to sit
and watch them all.
And we'll monitor his mind.
La la la.
Now keep in mind,
Joel can't control
where the movies begin or end.
La la la.
Because he used
those special parts
to make his robot friends.
Robot roll call.
Cambot.
Pan left.
Gypsy.
Hi, girl.
Tom Servo.
What a cool guy.
Crow.
He's a wisecracker.
It you're wondering how
he eats and breathes,
and other science
facts, La la la.
Then repeat to yourself,
it's just a show.
I should really just relax.
For Mystery Science
Theater 3000.
-Hey, hi, everybody.
Welcome to the
Satellite of Love.
I'm Joel Robinson.
And this is my improv group,
"Anyone For More Fruitcake."
We're from Chicago.
And we do improv, which is
known as instant theatre.
We make-- we make up our own
play, right before your living,
breathing eyes.
OK, now I need a volunteer
suggestion from the audience.
You're-- you're
alone, aren't you?
What, some kind of Love
Connection screw-up over there?
-Good one.
-Anyway, I'm just kidding.
Now, could you just give
a suggestion for a place
where Tom and Crow could meet?
-Cream of Wheat.
-Cream of Wheat.
OK.
I can see that.
-We get that so many times.
-Now I need a
suggestion for something
that Tom and Crow
could do together,
that would be appropriate
to do in front
of the Pope or your mother.
OK?
So please keep-- yeah.
-Peter Gabriel.
-Peter Gabriel.
OK, you're at Cream
of Wheat, and you're
about to do Peter Gabriel.
CROW AND TOM SERVO: [WHISPERING]
-OK, now one last thing.
I need the name of a celebrity.
OK?
-Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
-Yeah.
-Anger.
-Yeah.
-Anger.
-Anger.
-Anger.
-Anger.
-Anger.
OK.
You're at Cream of Wheat
with Peter Gabriel,
and anger walks in.
OK, go.
-[HUMMING]
-Hi, Peter Gabriel.
-Hello.
Want some Cream of Wheat?
-No, I don't want
Cream of Wheat!
-Freeze!
GYPSY: [LAUGHTER]
-Thank you.
Thank you.
-Thank you.
Thank you.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial
Sign in five seconds.
I think that was the worst
improv I've seen.ever seen.
-You should've gone
to your "Where."
-You negated me.
-No I didn't,
-D'oh!
-What I was trying to do was
become a potato on stage.
And you didn't let
me be that potato.
-Now, you see, I
didn't get that.
I thought you were a hedgehod.
-No, you didn't "Yes,
And" each other.
And you forgot to
go back to your
Where when you were doing
that hedgehod thing.
-Exactly.
-I wasn't a hedgehod.
I was clearly a potato.
I was asking to be
fried in hot oil.
What kind of a hedgehog
would be fried in hot oil?
-Just cool it.
The bad boys of the
basement are calling.
-Now we're going to
do a structure called
"Man in the Street."
Certainly is warm today, Frank.
-It's cold!
-You know what they
say about Chicago.
-Hey, is that Milli Vanilli?
-Frank!
-I am not Spock.
-Frank, go get strapped into
this week's invention exchange.
-OK, Dudley.
-Well, Joel, I'm going to
come right out and say it.
I really like buffet dinig.
Although it can be
a dream come true,
sometimes it's quite tiring.
That's why we've invented
the new conveyor belt buffet.
Swiss steak, Frank?
-Oui, oui, monsieur.
-How about some
Southern baked ham?
-I've always depended on
the kindness of caterers.
-Juice?
-Mhm.
-What about mashed potatoes?
-Mashed enchantment.
-And for those of you who
like to eat fast food,
you've never seen
food this fast before.
-I'll just have some-- and
then I'll take a little--
and then I'll-- with
the-- and ahhhh.
-Well, Joel, not only have we
invented the world's fastest
buffet, we've invented
a Lucy sketch.
Back to you, DesiLu.
-Yes, your grouchinesses, sir.
This week, we've got
a green experiment
that's based on those
New Age pioneer friends
over in Biosphere II.
And it uses a power source
that's available in just
about any home in the USA.
And that is the gerbil.
-Or a smallish hamster.
Either one.
-Right, exactly.
And what this is, is a
totally self-contained,
self-perpetuating
biosphere environment
for the gerbil of the
not-so-distant future,
I like to call the
GerbilSphere II.
OK, you want to take
it partway there, Tom?
-Sure thing, Joel.
Now the central element in
our holistic environment
is the common running wheel.
As our furry, pioneering friend
turns the wheel, the log, here,
is propelled through
the wood lather,
resulting in, of
course, the wood chips
down below that you see.
JOEL: Right.
-Which encourages the
gerbil, or hamster, to poop.
JOEL: Right, and that
fertilizes the, uh--
-The field of alfafa,
which we see here,
the sprouts growing at
just the proper rate
to keep the gerbil
nourished, but not obese.
Dr. Crow?
CROW: Ah, yes.
Uh, now, every three years, we
will rotate in some soy beans.
We didn't do that. originally,
and accidentally destroyed
all the topsoil.
-Oops.
-And of course, another minor
problem with our perfect system
is that the CO2
released by the alfalfa
can at times combine with
certain undesignated elements,
causing an uncontrolled
thunderstorm
in the upper reaches
of the perfect system.
-But, but we have installed
the air cleaner up here,
which we believe will rectify
the CO2 conditions, which
we must remind you
is only sporadic,
and which we do not
believe interferes
in any significant way
whith the wholeness
or perfection of
our system here.
CROW: No.
-You know what, there's so
much torque involved with this,
uh, this little running wheel.
I-- I have a feeling we're
going to need a gerbil that's
at least 20 pounds, though.
-23
-Our people are working on it.
Uh, we have a--
thinking maybe a motor.
-Seems like kind of a gyp.
-Well, we're going to do a
structure called "Yes, And."
Oh, Frank.
I'm going to jab this
icepick into your eye.
-Yes.
And that will cause pain
and may make a comment
on the contemporary mores.
-Good.
Good, Be in the moment.
-OK.
-Well, Joely, uh, your
experiment this week
is kind of like a
spastic road picture.
It stars Lee Van Cleef
and Timothy Van Patten.
And it's called Master Ninja II.
Yes.
And.
It's really bad.
Heh heh.
Hit the button, Frank.
-Wow, you improved that
whole thing, didn't you?
That was really instant theatre.
I love it.
-Oh no.
He's dead.
-Oh, we've got Movie Sign!
-Spotlight on the
Black Moses of Soul.
-I feel like a Band on the Run.
-N-n-n-n-n-Ninja.
Oh, it's ladies lingerie night.
-Ooh.
-M-m-m-m-master Ninja.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-hi keeba.
Ha-ha-ha-hi Keeba.
Ha-ha-ha-hi Keeba.
-Oh, it's a Lee Van Cliffhanger.
Ha!
-L-l-l-Lee Van Cleef.
L-l-l-l-l-Lee Van Cleef.
-Walk like an
Egyptian, conka-chonk.
-Ah, Timothy Van Patten,
the great Dutch ninja.
-Is this a karate movie?
-Mm, I think it's
Blue Man Group.
Oh no, look, it's Catfish
Hunter warming up.
-There's no Kosugi like Sho
Kosugi, like no Kosugi I know.
-Yeah.
Might say that.
MAX (VOICEOVER): Hi.
I'm Max Keller.
-I have fallen arches.
MAX (VOICEOVER): I used to spend
my mornings tightrope walking.
Now I'm a marathon runner.
-Huh.
Go figure.
Dodge trucks.
Ram tough.
MAX (VOICEOVER): You
know, I sometimes
wonder if being a
ninja is going to--
-Crystal Bernard Persuasion.
-Cool.
-What a dope.
Keep running!
-Oh, Joe Boston.
He only puts out one
movie every ten years.
Then it's really bad.
-Thank you, Michael Sloan.
-For what?
-I can't believe you.
-I can't understand you.
-I started ten
minutes before you.
And you're not even winded.
-I'm winded.
-From driving.
-You hide it well.
I'm having a heart attack.
-Lower the heart rate.
Drop the respiration.
Slow everything down.
-Make good money at home.
---steps.
-I thought I was in
shape, till I met you.
-It'll come.
-A heart attack?
Any second.
-When you have to run the
four-minute mile, you'll do it.
-You'll be a Henson
rat, like me.
-I don't think
running's my long suit.
I'll stick to wheels.
At least you don't ride bikes.
-Doodly doodly doodly.
I can't believe
I'm riding a bike!
-It's been a long time.
-Since I rock and rolled?
-Get ready to watch
the A's, old fella?
-Huh?
-What?
-I love buddy films.
This is just like
The Last Boy Scout.
-Really?
-It sounds like Chicago
Tansit Authority.
-[HORN NOISES]
ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
-Do not take the green acid.
-Whoo.
ANNOUNCER: --Clearwater
motocross championship race.
Hey look, it's
Francis Ford Coppola.
ANNOUNCER: Beautiful sunny
afternoon here at Clearwater.
We'll have a great
day for racing.
-So I come around the
last turn like I'm flying.
Bam, right across
the finish line--
-Wait a minute.
Where did he get that thing?
-Look, I admire your confidence.
But it for some reason or
another, you should lose.
-Easy money.
Hang on to Henry
for me, will you?
He loves the straightaways,
but he hates the turns.
-Anybody catch what he said?
-Nope.
Not a word.
ANNOUNCER: We've got entrants
from all over the country.
-All over the world!
ANNOUNCER: Max
Keller will be here,
winner of last year's race.
-Boo.
ANNOUNCER: Our own Chad Webster,
Bill Howard, and Carrie Brown,
representing the cannery.
-Uh oh.
Here come the no-goodniks.
-Yep.
-Why me?
Why me all the time?
-Hey look, it's Malcolm X.
-Oh, I don't think so.
-Got a problem, pal?
-Yeah, man.
I don't like your face.
-Yeah, well you're a jerk.
-Good one.
-Wanna keep all those teeth?
-Check out, Jack.
-Max.
-Stay out of this.
I can handle it.
-It's Meat Loaf.
-Rearranging that mug of
yours might be a challenge.
-D'oh.
-Damn.
I just injected him
with blowfish poison.
-Old Max Keller.
-Still seeing that gerbil?
-How you doing?
Thought you retired.
-I couldn't do that, brother.
Besides, busting up
towns ain't cool anymore.
-They must have gone to
speech, class together.
-I would find you here.
You any better with
that bike of yours now?
-I always beat you, didn't I?
Hey, Hog, this the
Ma-- uh, McAllister.
-Uh, this is my elderly
gentleman friend.
-Best biker around.
-My.
So why do they call you Hog?
-You better just watch.
MCALLISTER: That's good advice.
-Ebony at ivory.
-Hm.
-Hey, I got walnuts in there.
[ENGINE NOISE]
-He's starting up
the guy's hand.
-That thing hasn't
worked in years.
Thank you.
-Good night.
-Yeah, thanks.
See you later, Hog.
-Uh, nice meeting
you, Mr. Pig, was it?
Oh, Hog.
That's it.
-Brrrrrrrm
-Well, nice company you keep.
-Ah, he's a pussycat.
What'd you do to him anyway?
-Oh, just being friendly.
-Hope he can still
hold the handlebar.
-Well, see you for the
champagne at the finish line.
-Um, pick up some
cedar chips for Muffy.
-Hey, easy on the gerbil, Lee.
Hey, whoa.
-Things are not
what they seem, Lee.
ANNOUNCER: Big crowd today.
We appreciate that, folks.
Always great to see you.
-Uh, believe me, it's
really a big crowd.
ANNOUNCER: Going to be a
lot of fun out here today.
You're going to see
some great bike racing.
-Hi.
-Looks like the camera
lost interest in Timothy.
-I can see that.
-What do you want?
-Isn't that the kid
who won last year?
-I don't remember.
-I know him
-Well, tell him.
I'm not interested.
-You are so tough.
-Familiar.
-You know, one of these
days, that mouth of yours
is going to get you
in a lot of trouble.
I--
-And you what?
Take a walk, Webster.
-Listen,--
-It's on the tip of my tongue.
-This race track is one place
in this town you don't own.
-It's Scott Hamilton!
That's who it is!
-Out here, you've got to
beat me fair and square.
-Ooh, she's a little spitfire.
-Grr.
-Unless, of course,
you're too gutless
to try without your daddy's
money to back you up.
-D'oh!
-Pearl drops.
Mmm.
-It's a Ren Fest.
-Mmm.
ANNOUNCER: Just a
few more seconds
before the gun goes off.
All jockeying for position.
-[ENGINE NOISES WITH MOUTH]
-They all look so good.
[ENGINE NOISE]
-[ENGINE NOISES WITH MOUTH]
ANNOUNCER: There's the gun.
And they're off.
-Go Charlie Brown, Go!
ANNOUNCER: But Max Keller
is right behind him.
And I can see Big Jim Stevenson.
-Big Jim Seaborn?
ANNOUNCER: With friends.
And enemies.
Number 11.
And there's Carrie Brown,
coming up fast on the inside.
-And there's Linda Ronstadt
behind him on roller skates!
ANNOUNCER: Uh oh.
Uh oh, there's a pile-up.
Doesn't look as
if anybody's hurt.
-Well, we can dream, can't we?
ANNOUNCER: Racing
can be pretty rough.
-Nice PA.
-William Katt, Freddy Mercury.
-Oh.
ANNOUNCER: Nine to ten
racers have pulled away now.
They leave the pack
behind in a cloud of dust.
It's going to be a close finish.
-Here's my favorite.
ANNOUNCER: Carrie
Brown, still the leader.
-Nothing like enjoying nature
on a screaming crotch rocket.
-Mhm.
-Oof.
-Looks like Tony Scott directed.
-This week on "Then
Came Bronson."
ANNOUNCER: Here they are!
-Hey, he's breaking
into somebody's van.
ANNOUNCER: Max Keller and
Carrie Brown all the way.
They cross the finish line.
-Here they come.
-Oof.
-Oof.
-Oh!
Human speedbump.
-Ooh.
-Hey.
You all right?
What's the matter with that guy?
-I'm alive.
-She lives!
She lives!
Hoo-hoo!
-Yay.
-Max, I lost the hamster.
-Is she OK?
-OK?
Yeah, she's OK.
She won the race.
-Even Ali lost a few.
-Yeah, but never to a
girl with a shag haircut.
Well, OK, once.
-Thanks!
-Nice race.
Never lost it before.
-Can I carry your bike home?
-Well, I have.
-Shame about your bike.
Guys play rough around here.
-Yeah, I know.
-Ooh.
-You're pretty good.
You almost beat me.
-D'oh!
-That was the idea.
-So, uh, how about a
little victory party?
-I got a gerbil.
-At least dinner.
-Well, um, I have to work
the early shift tomorrow.
And I don't even know you.
-So OK.
-You don't have
to buy me dinner.
-I was thinking you might buy.
-Oh.
-Ooh.
-I mean, you won
all my prize money.
-I'll think it over.
-Uh, gee, that could
have gone better.
Well, I didn't want her anyway,
-I'm not used to seeing
them walk away from you.
-Usually they run, screaming.
-Lose one, you lose another.
-D'oh.
-Good looking girl,
though, isn't she?
Or does your ninja discipline
make you immune to such things?
-There are certain yearnings
one does not want to overcome.
-Besides, I took a shuriken
wheel in the whipper, once.
-Ow.
-Come on, Boss.
-Oh, is there going
to be a boat race?
-It's a secret meeting
of all those people
who want this show canceled.
-Oh, grab a leaflet, please.
-"F.I.S.T." with
Sylvester Stallone.
-Grab a leaflet, please.
Union meeting tomorrow.
Don't forget.
-Oh, uh, it's a
Clifford Odets play.
-No, a Tom Bodett play.
-Oh.
-Huh?
-Huh?
-Hey.
-Still at it, huh, Carrie?
-I don't quit, Harold.
-Ossie Davis?
-Here, have a leaflet.
-Hey, Pippi Longstocking.
-Another meeting?
You bet.
-Tomorrow afternoon.
And the-- we're
counting on you, Amy.
We just need a few
more signatures.
-Sure, sure.
-When are you going to let
me take you dancing, Carrie?
-When "Welcome Back
Kotter" is canceled.
-Heh.
-You sign this petition,
we'll talk about it.
-All right.
-Come on, Max.
I know she rejected you,
but we've got to try again.
-Well, this is it.
Clearwater cannery.
-Sure is dirty.
-Nerve center of the
city, such as it is.
WORKER: Bring it over here.
-Hey don't you ever say please?
-You know, if I hadn't lost
that race, we wouldn't be broke.
-Max.
-So I figured I could pick
up a couple of days work here
and put us back on schedule.
-Max.
-Don't we know that box?
WORKER: Bring it down.
-Hmm.
-That does it, Flintstone!
-Uh oh.
-Right on my head, that's it.
-No!
-I think they may just be
too dumb to organize a union.
-Yeah.
-Who killed my sister?
Hee hee hee.
-Sorry, it's my first day.
-Let's see.
Won this in the claw
machine at the carnival.
That'll work.
-The right tool for
the right job, Lee.
-Stan Lee.
Heh.
-Oh, my rheumatism.
-Whoa.
-Oh, excellent, Master Dipstick.
That's $50,000 worth
of merchandise, Lee.
-Listen, thanks a
lot for your help.
I appreciate it.
-Oh, forget it.
When'd they issue this
equipment they're using?
During the Depression?
-Ha ha.
It's great we can joke about it
now that his hips are crushed.
-It's not in their interests.
-Ugh.
Agh!
Ahh!
Don't move me off!
[SCREAMING]
-Hey, it's Chico Marx.
-Oh.
-Hey, there's Lucy.
-Ah, Ricky, I got ptomaine.
Ahh.
-Everybody works here.
-Does the President work here?
-Dinner tonight?
-OK.
Um, why don't you meet me
at the Seaside Shanty--
-What are these,
tongue-twisters?
Are you making fun of me?
-Do you think you can find it?
-Heh heh.
-I'll see you later.
-Wilford Brimley, safecracker.
-Did they tell you what
happened out there?
-Hm?
-You nearly got Joe
Henderson killed.
-You!
-Rotting equipment.
-Now, Carrie--
-Yeah, now's right.
Now we're going to do something.
-I am the Walrus.
Uh, I think.
Yeah.
-He's too old.
There are plenty of
other jobs he can do.
Not that one.
-Look, his chin's acting.
-What has to happen
around here before someone
takes an interest.
When we get a union--
-I told you.
You'd better drop
that union talk.
It's just going to get you
more trouble than you want.
-Like it did my brother?
-Oh, sorry.
My heart blew up again.
- --about your brother being
done in by the cannery.
Grow up, Carrie.
-Dad?
Uh, oh.
-He split.
-Another guy.
-No more.
No less.
What'd you expect?
The doctor get working
on the line here?
Well, I remember when you
were working on the line.
So don't play that with me.
You're not that smart.
But I am.
-Who?
-And most of them's
going on around here.
And when I found
out what it is, I
bet it's going to lead me
right back here to you.
-She's got a Landers
Sister quality.
-Mhm.
-Don't even think about it.
-Guess she won't get
her Christmas ham.
-We are not putting
up with this.
This is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard.
-Ralph, I told you before,
I want that girl fired.
-You think I don't want
her out of my hair?
You listen to me, Chad Webster.
You've got a couple
of things to learn
about running this cannery.
-[BURP]
-And since your dad ain't
around to tell you, I will.
We fire Kerry Brown, and
you won't get anybody
in this town to work here.
Nobody!
They love that girl.
-I'm telling you, the next
time she causes trouble.
The very next time.
-Bet I could eat that guy.
Yep.
I know it.
Positive.
-All right.
No-Tell Motel.
-Good looking, too.
-Hey, look.
He's shaving his one hair.
-You sure took care
of that accident down
by the wharf today, didn't you?
-I think he cut through his
vocal cords or something.
-Sounds like it.
-Just flip that little
gadget, and Bam!
The whole thing
goes into the drink.
-Boy, that Gideon
writes a good novel.
-Huh.
-I'm the floor in an
adult movie theater.
-An older guy like
that shouldn't
have to work that hard labor.
-What, did Lee snap a
cyanide capsule in his mouth?
- --centuries, right?
So, say, what time is it?
-Can I wear some
of your clothes?
-I am so fine.
-What's the matter?
The bed too comfortable for you?
You all right?
Dear God, don't do this.
-Hey, sounds like
a Resusci-Annie.
-Looks like a Resu--
-Whatever happened to--
-Baby Jane?
-"It's time to get up"?
-What happened to you?
I thought you had
a heart attack.
-I was still.
-You stopped breathing.
You have to breathe.
-The heartbeat, like everything
else, can be controlled.
I just slowed it down.
-Slowed it down?
You stopped it.
-Go all the way, next time.
-Only in appearance.
The same technique that allows
a Zulu warrior to change
a running gazelle for 50 miles--
-On a pogo stick.
-And still have the
strength for the kill.
-Swell.
I believe you can do it, OK?
Just don't do it again.
You scared the hell out of me.
-It's OK.
-Ah, that was nice.
-We've got to go.
-I see you're ready to go.
-This one stings.
-I think I am.
-Oh.
-Well, since today's
movie features
Timothy Van Patten's rocking
custom van predominantly
in the movie, we thought it
would be fun for the robots
to get some pens
and pencils and make
their versions of their
favorite '70s machines OK?
[CHEERING]
-So this one's Gypsy.
You want to tell
everybody about it?
-Do it, Gyps.
-This is mine.
It has a mural of "Voyage
to the Bottom of the Sea."
-Hey Joel, looks like a
lunchbox you used to have.
TOM SERVO: Yeah.
JOEL: OK, you want to
show the inside, too?
GYPSY: And on the inside are 150
Richard Basehart ventriloquist
dummies, stacked like cordwood.
TOM SERVO: Shades of Jame Gumb.
JOEL: Jeepers.
OK, well, this one
looks like yours, Tom.
-Yeah, yeah, that's mine.
My-- mines next.
Well, the exterior
of my van would
be based on the work of fantasy
illustrator Frank Frazetta,
custom-painted at Vantastic
Studios in Lake Geneva,
Wisconsin, and insured
for over $1,200.
Then the interior--
show them the interior--
it's really cool.
It would be painted just like
the Sistine Chapel inside,
only it'd be real
dirty, you know.
Plus it'd have a waterbed
and a fireplace slash bar.
And an in-dash lotion dispenser.
And if I dented it up, I'd spend
six weeks in the shop class,
or at Harv's Speed
Shop, that's what
we used to call it
when I was there.
And we'd just sand it
and put Bondo on it.
And I wouldn't go to
any of the classes,
and at lunch, Clem an I would
get in the-- get in the van,
leave campus, go downtown,
and have a beer at the Shire.
Yeah.
It would be really cool.
Heh.
Whoo.
-OK.
And this next one's, uh, Crow's.
CROW: Well, my van would
have an ergonomically design
desk and chair, plus a shelf
for all my reference material.
And my computer.
And a good reliable
reading lamp.
And I'd pack an extra
pair of glasses,
and some sensible
shoes, and a cooler
full of ice cold Coke, Diet
Coke, and ice cold mineral
water.
JOEL: Uh huh.
And what about the
exterior there?
CROW: Uh, I'd have
Ed "Big Daddy"
Don Roth do a mural of me
with my eyes popping out
with my tongue dragging.
And big old gnarled
hand on the giant stick
shift putting in six.
And the side of machine would
read like it was in blood,
"The Van Die."
-Yeah!
Whoo, yeah.
-Oh, I don't think so.
We've got Commercial Sign.
-Aw.
-Aw.
MAX (VOICEOVER): So I found
MAX (VOICEOVER): So I found
-It's Ed "Big Daddy" Roth, Crow.
-Oh.
MAX (VOICEOVER): I've
learned my lesson.
-Mine was very good.
-Wisconsin?
MAX (VOICEOVER): Not leaving
this bar through the window.
-That is one good
looking union organizer.
-Hi, Sandy.
-Hi.
-Hey.
Sandy.
I don't want you serving Carrie.
-Why not?
-Because I said so.
I don't want you serving her.
-Chad, what's the problem?
-Want to lose your job?
Do what I told you.
-OK.
-Evening, everybody.
-Norm!
-I thought you didn't drink.
-I don't break up dates, either.
Unless she gets to
be too much for you.
-That's brave talk from a man
whose heart almost stopped.
-It didn't stop.
It slowed down.
-Hey, look on the wall.
It's Milton Berle's
netted slingshot briefs.
-Oh.
-I'm here.
-Is this your card?
-Yeah, I'm here.
Oh, Max, a long day.
-I hear ya.
-You're a wry wit.
-Aren't these people phony?
-You guys passing through?
-You talking to me?
-What's it look like?
-Well, you do have
that funny eye.
-You and the hotshot
kid over there.
Now that he's lost the race, I
guess you'll be leaving town.
-What's it to you?
-Drives the plot.
-Well, this is a
tight community.
We take care of our town.
-I don't think the lady wants
you to take care of her.
-That's why the lady is a tramp.
-You got a hearing problem?
-My hearing is excellent.
-Because I have
the Whisper 2000.
-Move it or lose it.
-I haven't heard that
since grade school.
-You just be sure lover boy
is on his way out of town.
-I love that band.
-Yeah!
-I'll deliver the message.
-You do that.
-Can I have a quarter?
-You got a light?
-Yeah, my butt and your fa-- oh.
Oh, that's not great.
-Flame on!
-Oh.
Must've had it
turned up too high.
-What is that?
A cigarette lighter
or a flamethrower?
-It's a cigarette lighter
and a flamethrower.
-Be seeing you.
-Yeah, right.
In all the old familiar places.
-Uh, let's order.
Is this still on you?
-You bet.
-See some menus, please?
Sure.
-Do what you-- can we have some
more lighting over here, too?
-Excuse me.
You didn't get the lady a menu.
-I can't her.
-Sandy.
-What do you mean,
you can't serve her?
-She's off the menu.
-Don't start any trouble.
-Well, how about if I do?
-Ooh.
-I just decided
dinner's on me tonight.
-Say!
-And I'm really hungry.
-Hm.
Come from a long
line of big eaters.
-Heh heh.
-Uh, you like seafood?
-You bet.
-Halibut?
-Yeah.
-Me too.
-Yeah.
-Me too.
-Me too.
-Seafood.
-Me too.
-Seafood.
-Two halibuts.
I'm really hungry.
Two baked potatoes.
-Wow.
MAX: Sour cream and chives?
Only on one.
-Yeah, Tim.
Go, man.
Order, buddy.
Rave on.
-And, um to finish it off, I'll
have a couple of apple pies
with ice cream on the top.
-Yeah!
-And a pot of coffee.
That should just about do me--
-And, uh, two hard-boiled eggs.
[HONK]
-Make that three
hard-boiled eggs.
-Oh.
Now you can't serve me either.
-Look, Carrie, it's not me.
I--
-Uh oh.
It's Dave Lennox.
-It looks like Annie Lennox.
Heh.
-Heh.
Heh.
-Heh.
-Heh.
-Nah.
-Heh.
-Nah.
-Maybe you ought to
order someplace else.
-Then I won't be
eating all of this.
-Uh, we have busboys for that.
-We're famous for our chops.
-Give me a breadbasket.
-Yeah?
Well, how's your punch?
-Hee!
-Tim, this is for the
seafood lover in you.
Ha!
-Ooh.
-What a loser.
-Hm.
What a loser.
-I've got to break
myself of this habit.
-That's our Max!
-This is just like "Hooper."
-Yeah.
Or, uh, Kenny Rogers
in "Six Pack."
-Or "E. T."
Oh, wait.
-Hold on.
-Hey, I'm on the phone
to the coast here.
-OK, half pepperoni,
half mushroom.
-Go get her.
-Hi, you come here often?
Uh, wait.
-Whoo.
-Oh, it must have
hit a springboard.
-Grandpa Ninja saves the day.
-Oh, what is he, Obi
fricking Wan Kenobi?
-Ooh.
CARRIE: Well, my brother worked
at the cannery for four years.
-My brother lives in Florida.
- --a lot of trouble.
And then he just disappeared.
But see, that's not
in character at all.
-Gerbil check.
Not for someone who--
who cared enough to raise
me alone all those years.
-[SNORING]
-My parents were
killed in an accident.
-That's nice
-My brother was just
that close to putting
a union in that cannery.
-Then he became the
president of Poland.
-I know that this must
sound real crazy to y'all--
-But I eat light bulbs.
-If y'all know what a hold that
Chad Webster has on this town.
-You're saying Webster
killed your brother?
-Emmanuel Lewis
killed her brother?
-Take a left right here.
-Did you go to the police?
-Yeah.
But just-- there's
just no proof.
-Hm.
-Just a lot of things that
don't add up to anything else.
-Oh, trigonometry, of course.
- --persons report.
-And I filed my nails.
- --that.
-How many others?
-Four.
They'd all been working
at the cannery for years,
all friends of my brothers,
all troublemakers.
-And they're all here
tonight on "Tattletales"!
-One day, gone.
Greener pastures.
-Uh, what'd you say?
I was thinking about my tongue.
- --that they didn't just leave.
-You know you're boring when
you're boring a Van Patten.
Yeah.
-Not yet, anyway.
-Uh, you want to pop in a tape?
-This is-- the house
is on the left.
-Just keep saying to
yourself, it's only a movie.
-Last house on the left.
-Oh, just, uh, just park in
the middle of the street,
and, uh, leave the lights on.
No problem.
-We deliver union
organizers overnight.
-I'm free!
-Thank you.
-Are you sure there's
nothing we could do to help?
-No, there's nothing you can do.
But thank you.
Good night.
-Night.
-Tim, you're an idiot.
-Now that's some lady, huh?
-No, that's my wife.
-Too bad we can't help her.
-Listen, pal, if you think I'm
walking away from her, Webster,
the cannery, or
this town, you're--
-You're absolutely right.
Let's get out of here.
-Guess you figured
that out already, huh?
-We've been told
to get out of town.
-By who?
-Try a guess.
-Webster?
-Good guess.
-Noah Webster?
-We're not leaving.
Nobody's running me out of town.
-[MOCKING NOISES]
-We're not leaving.
Figure something out.
-That's what I was afraid of.
-[TIMPANI NOISE]
-Good morning, how are you?
Denise, Carol.
-Thank you for flying Northwest.
Enjoy your stay in Fargo.
-Dan, how's that baby?
-Haven't had it yet.
-Annie, what's going on here?
Nobody's talking to me.
-Susan Sarandon.
Hmm.
-Boss says you're
trouble, Carrie.
No one wants to be
caught speaking to you.
-Oh,are they going to
sing "Matchmaker" now?
-Looks like it.
-I'm really sorry.
-Looks like it.
-I'm really sorry.
-But you're going to the
meeting this afternoon.
-But you're going to the
meeting this afternoon.
-Oh, you're going
to that meeting.
-Not with us.
-Hi, Frodo.
Hi, Axl.
Hi, Divine.
-It's really good today.
-Mhm.
-Nummy.
-What's weird is that
this is a Chrysler plant.
I don't know what all
this meat is doing--
-Hey, Huey Lewis.
-And a whole pie.
Uh, uh, want anything?
-I don't need to tell you what
happened last night, do I?
Carrie Brown is more
trouble than her brother.
And I can't afford to
waste any more time on her.
-The lights are on,
but Fatty's not home.
- --about this town.
-I know she's a problem.
But I think--
-Don't start
thinking, Bill Carter.
-I wouldn't worry about that.
-I'm telling you,
there's something
weird about this old man
she's been talking to.
He makes me nervous.
And the kid is troublemaker.
But if Carrie
Brown isn't around,
then there's no trail
for them to follow.
-Is this a limerick?
-And they just drift
on to the next town.
-Like the [INAUDIBLE]
-Jake, you can't
start something like--
-I'm not starting--
-Hooker's a good cop!
-I'm just finishing
what has to be done.
-Give me a kiss.
-There's nothing for
you to think about.
-Well, uh, what about lunch?
You going to hang
around for that pizza?
-Just make sure you're
available tonight.
-He asked me!
I'll wear that
strapless Ed Asner.
-He's going to blow!
Look out!
-Grantsburg, Wisconsin.
Workers chafing under the
spiked heel of capitalism.
-Carrie.
Carrie.
-I had the seafood plate.
-Spinning your wheels.
My wheels.
Let me spin them.
-Hm?
-There's got to be
some way to help you.
-Max, these people
won't even talk to me.
They say I'm trouble.
-Maxi Priest?
-There's supposed to be
a meeting this afternoon.
But I'll be sitting alone.
-Oh yeah?
What kind of meeting?
-A union meeting.
-Oh, they going to have cookies?
-Meeting.
Or any union.
Get out of my cannery.
-So you're canning her.
-D'oh!
-How ironic.
-You want to take a
vote on that, Webster?
-Uh, Max, this is a cannery.
-You've got a lot of
people working here.
I'd say they outvote you 100--
-(SINGING) "Look for
the union label."
Come on, everybody.
Come on, Pete Seeger, come on.
Weavers, join in.
Come on, Woody.
-Can't stop people from
meeting and talking.
-I told you to get out.
-Throw me out.
-Ooh.
-Loud talk doesn't scare anyone.
-Old Black Eyes is back.
-You should attend.
It's your future, too.
-My hero.
-Mine too.
-Now I know that none of what
I've said this afternoon is--
-Oh, she's an Alpha Omega.
We hate them.
-Goodness, most of y'all have
been working here much longer
than I have.
Your mothers and your
fathers worked here.
-Dominus vobiscum, everyone.
-But now we have
to make a change.
To make a life for us.
For your kids.
Now I've got a petition
here for the union.
And I need 40 more signatures.
So let's see a show of hands.
-I lost my hand
in a fish chopper.
-Hm.
-Heh heh heh.
-Studs Terkel, not working.
-All this?
Huh, Carrie?
-Charlie.
-Um.
-I have heard the stories
of the Thugee cult.
-I can't afford to
give up one day's pay.
Let alone, paycheck.
None of us can.
-Howard Johnson's right!
-[MURMURING]
-You know where my
family's at, Carrie.
-At the trailer park
at the edge of town.
-Till Bill gets his health back.
-Delta Burke?
-I tried applying for a
job at your cannery today.
Couldn't get in.
-I had no marketable skills.
-I'm not surprised, though.
Working conditions
there are so great.
-Anybody "umberstand" him?
-How much? $300?
-Hey, he's doing stand-up.
He's working the crowd.
-Looking forward to your
children going to college?
Because it's not going
to be easy on the salary
you're making.
But when the cost-of-living
increases come in every year,
that'll make things
a whole lot easier.
I don't know why
Carrie's bothering
to rock the boat for you people.
You're doing just fine.
-He's speaking in tongues.
-You get paid what
they want to give you.
You work the hours
they tell you.
You clock in and punch
out right on time.
Their time!
-Hey, time is truly a
subjective phenomenon, Tim.
-Carrie's waiting
for a show of hands.
She isn't going to get one.
-Should we have a silent vote?
-Big Brother isn't watching you.
He's got you right
in his hip pocket.
-Huh.
-Well, I don't have
a problem with that.
-If you ask me,
you're all getting
exactly what you deserve.
-We didn't ask.
-Now everyone, take
out your hymnal.
[APPLAUSE]
-I'll sign.
-You're fired.
-I'll sign.
-You're fired.
-You're fired.
-You're fired, too.
-We feel confident, Secure.
-Attica!
Attica!
Attica!
Attica!
-Mmm, Tahitian Treat.
Hope the meeting
didn't start yet.
Boy, it's cold.
[BURP]
-Oh, yahtzee.
Oh, hi.
What's up, gang?
-You took the last
Tahitian Treat, old man.
-Jimmy Carl Black.
-No, it's Shawn Phillips.
And Tim Robbins.
CHAD: Just been to church.
Your young friend
missed his vocation.
Should've been an evangelist.
-Too much like acting.
-He does have a way with words.
-Uh, not in the
right order, but--
CHAD: Or you.
You're leaving Clearwater.
-You're very nosy, kitty cat.
You know what we
do to nosy people?
-You're not going to get
out of this one, pal.
-Ho!
-Thank you,
crotch-rocketed friend.
-Don't forget to say [INAUDIBLE]
-OK, we'll just follow
you to the party, then.
-How long since you've
been on one of these?
-Long time.
Feels good.
-Must be the new seat covers.
They hit Mr. Bubble!
-Oh no.
-I don't know if
you're going to enjoy
the experience all that much.
-Lean into it.
-Hold on!
-Sunday, at Great Lakes Dragaway
in Union Grove, Wisconsin!
-Mighty Mikes, with
action traction.
-Lean into it.
-A garden weasel!
-Ooh.
Where did he have that?
-Hi-Keeba.
Huzzah.
-He's off the ramp.
-What ramp?
-Hair blowing in the wind.
My colon.
-Oh, I saw that in
a Mapplethorpe film.
-D'oh!
-Um, why don't they
just turn right?
-Oh, I'll harm you.
-Hey.
Hey, I just wanted to tell
you you got a tail light out.
Gee,
-He's got a licorice whip.
-Mmm.
-Yippee-yi-ay, tie-ay, cowboy!
-Tay.
-Where'd you learn that one?
-Motorcycle school.
-You're cute.
-That'll happen.
-Yeah.
-Where's Carrie?
-At a union meeting.
We'd better get to her tonight.
-It's potluck.
We've got to bring a dish.
-Lee?
Oh, Lee.
-Lee.
-Here, boy.
-Oh, couldn't you
stay in the van?
MAX (VOICEOVER): We were right.
-Carrie?
Carrie, it's Max.
-It's a medieval house.
Ooh.
-They varnished my house.
-You all right?
What's happened?
-I found it like this
when I came home.
-They disconnected cable and
hooked up my stereo all wrong.
-They've torn the place apart.
-Nice flat.
Apartment, I mean.
-It's going to be OK.
We won't let them get you.
-Hey look, Ignatz was here.
-Huh.
-Oh, Bil Keane
ransacked the apartment.
-Oh.
-Or Billy did it.
-Billy did it.
-I know they killed my brother.
And now they're after me.
-How about a little
sugar for grandpa?
-Nobody can harm you.
Leave it to us.
-Oh.
-Well, that's--
what do we do now?
-Big, brave girl.
-Well, brave, anyway.
-I stir everything up
and I can't handle it.
-They've warned you, OK?
Now it's up to us.
We're going to nail
Webster for good.
You just sit tight.
They won't be back.
But we will.
-We won't let the seniors
beat up on you anymore, Honey.
-Ooh.
-Ecch.
-You kiss better
than the union boss.
-Oh!
-Oh.
Dr. Pepper lip gloss.
Mm.
-Um.
-He's not getting back in.
-"Then Came Bronson,"
the van years.
MAX: We could go to the police.
-And tell them what?
-That Webster tried to
-[MOCKING NOISES]
-Hm?
-Then where's the proof?
Webster and all
those cannery workers
will have an alibi
for this afternoon.
-Gotta find something on him.
-If what Carrie says is true,
if they did kill her brother,
most people don't
cover their tracks
as well as they think they do.
-They should wear
long-sleeved shirts.
-Yeah.
-When?
-Tonight.
-Tonight?
Aw, I was going to
watch my dad's show.
-Glaucoma theater.
-Ooh.
Oh.
There.
-Yeah.
Looks like the set
for Graffiti Bridge.
-Oh.
Oh, I think it's a
Janet Jackson video.
Yeah, uh, "Rhythm Nation."
Mhm.
-[BEATBOXING]
-Uh, Lee, I-- I don't think
you're invisible, you know?
-Oh, swell.
-Huh?
Wait, he just climbed
into the basement.
What's going on.
-Hey.
-Ow! $4 an hour for this crap.
-Yeah.
-Too easy.
-Uh oh.
You would have to climb into
a security guard warehouse.
-Well, thanks for the help, Lee.
-I stopped for a Heath bar.
Want a bite?
-Hmm.
Let's see.
Where are we in the
script now, Tim?
-They're selling
fake term papers!
-D'oh!
-Found something.
Look at this.
Names.
Lists of names.
-Let's see here.
Bag of quicklime, three-foot
grave, red marker.
Murdered at Old Point!
-And that's the date
that he disappeared.
-Hm.
-Old Point.
Whatever that is.
-It's a beer, isn't it?
Or something?
-Coroner's involved, too.
-Time to go.
-Decided to protect himself.
-By hiding his emotions.
-You know, I'll bet
Webster doesn't even
know about these files.
-Let's get them over to
the Sheriff's office.
-Hey hold it steady there, Gyps.
Come on.
-Atten-hut!
General Van Patten!
-Be seated.
Now I want you to remember
that no "babbisterb" ever
"wub" a war by "dibbing"
for his "cubbity."
He won it by making the other
poor dumb "babbisterb" "dib"
"por" "ibs" "cubbity."
-Oh, we got Movie Sign!
-You whacked me with
your riding crop, Crow.
-Ah, you love it.
You know you do.
-Mister Webster?
Zalid Kerry.
We've had a break-in.
-Uh, they were
dressed as plumbers.
Nah, the young kid.
The one that's been
hanging around here.
-Van Patten something or other.
-Hey.
-Oh no, not this again.
I thought that Jeep blew up.
-Hi.
You guys going to Rob's party?
Follow us.
-Hey, this looks like the end
of "Easy Rider," doesn't it?
-Good.
-Why don't you get a haircut?
-Uh oh.
-McCloud, you've
wrecked three vans.
Good job.
-Hey, he didn't even
go through the window.
-Huh.
-I'm the guy with
a snake on my face.
-What's this?
The end of "Master Ninja"?
Tune in tomorrow, same ninja
time, same ninja station.
-Huh huh.
Let's dress him funny.
Oh, he already is.
Hey, Tim's making a dirt angel.
-I'm Max Keller.
I used to be able to walk.
-Is it curtains for Van Patten?
-He's dead.
-You've killed him.
Hail Dorothy.
-I could speak clearly
now, my brain is gone.
-Mendoza!
-Hey, Tim, don't
boot on the hood.
It'll take the wax off.
-Yes, it's the sporty Cutlass
Supreme, wide tracking Pontiac.
[COUGHING]
-My dad's going to kill me.
-Pull!
-Let him go.
Let him go.
-Yeah, nothing worse than
a cornered Van Patten.
-Mhm.
-They'll climb you.
-Pick him up later.
No place in this county he can
go that I won't hear about.
-Yeah, what about
Carrie's place?
-Maybe.
-Well, he'll come up empty.
Because the little
lady won't be there.
-Big hand for the little lady.
-First, put the body in the car.
-Sorry, boss.
My first caper.
-Take him to the Old Point.
Meet us there.
After you pick up the girl.
-Before you put your
coats on the top peg.
-Wait a minute.
-You said we'd
have dinner first.
-[BURP]
-Bad enough one man is dead.
You can't hurt that girl.
They'll find--
-They'll find nothing.
Ain't no bodies.
Two transients moved on.
-You're starting to
look delicious, boss.
-Headstrong girl that
couldn't take any longer.
She left town.
-No.
I won't be part of this.
-Carter, you've been a
part of it since the day
you decided that
comfortable job of yours
was more important that
telling the police what
happened to Carrie's brother.
-I'm sorry.
I was thinking about pork chops.
-Understand?
-I'm so hungry. [CRIES]
-Yes.
-Jeep.
-The Wizard's not in.
-And that's one.
-Come on, Max.
Four-minute mile.
Could stay the
course or beat them.
-[MOCKING NOISES]
-Could strain a course of bacon?
-No pain.
Outside yourself.
-What?
-When fighting go?
-What she said.
-My peach is dipped in sawd--
what-- what is he saying?
-The mediocrity of the
long-distance runner.
-Oh no, it's Jim Fixx!
Oh.
Sorry.
Bad joke.
-You know, his brother
was the bionic boy.
-Oh yeah.
That was cool.
-Carrie.
-Trick or treat for UNICEF.
-Max.
-Oh, you're sweaty.
A sweaty Van Patten.
-We've got to get out
of here right now.
Webster's on his way
over here with his pals.
I'm going to the police.
-Well, where's--
-Dead.
Come on!
-Wait.
Wait.
I need my lip gloss.
-Uh oh.
-Uh, you know how to
whistle, don't you?
-Get in the car.
-Oh, they pick up and deliver.
-Get in the car.
-Gee, thanks There's
some guys following us,
and it'd really be great if--oh.
Wait.
-Chic jeans
-OK, everybody in?
Good.
-The Steven King book club.
-How do you like
our little film?
Something seems a little fishy.
[CACKLES]
-Kill him.
-Are those Skylon Air Max?
I thought so.
-Charles Moffett feared not.
Puma?
-Alas, poor Yorick.
I knew him.
-Hey, you plant your
ninjas in the late fall.
-Huh.
-I don't know.
Three, 3 1/2 feet.
Throw him in.
-Oh, they're doing
"Blood Simple."
-Webster, you--
-Thesaurus!
-Patience, pal.
Your moment's coming.
And hers.
-Hm.
-Yeah.
Like you did for my brother?
-Mhm.
Pretty much.
-Two more, just like this one.
Unmarked.
[COUGHING]
-Hey, careful with that.
-They don't use it anymore.
No caretaker, no maintenance.
-No tears and no
hearts breaking.
No remorse.
-Now I got it, Webster.
It's been really bothering me.
-It was you behind
the dictionary capers.
-Ah!
-It's not just that you run
the cannery the way you want.
No flak, no union.
No.
-No tears, no--
-That's not enough
kill people for.
There's another reason.
-What would that be?
-You get off on it.
It's a thrill, a kick.
-Hm.
-Kicks!
-The power you have.
Life and death.
[COUGHING]
-It's a tough act to top.
-What I feel and
what I think isn't
going to matter to you
much longer, Keller.
Any more than it does--
-Hey, hey!
More dirt in the hole,
less on my shoes.
-Or you, Carter,
-Me?
-Didn't I tell you, Carter?
After 35 years of
keeping your nose clean
and looking the other
way, this is what you get.
-I'm not dead yet.
-Uh oh.
-Dirt man.
In color.
-I hope he doesn't
soil his ninja robes.
[CACKLING]
-Terrible.
Ooh.
Have you learned
the plot? [CACKLING]
-Stop it.
-Enjoy.
-Stop it.
-I feel so dirty.
-I'll just be by the
tree, looking cute.
-Oof.
Oof.
-That's the sound
of cardboard boxes.
-Oh no, that's
the Rosetta stone.
Don't, it's-- Oh!
-Rock, paper, scissor.
-Thanks.
-Uh, I was just reaching
for the Snickers bar
in the glove box, boss.
-Hey, Butterball,
that's for Dom DeLuise.
-He's got trouble in spades.
-Yeah.
-Ho ho!
-Don't forget to have
your ninja spayed.
-Hey, he's Little John.
-Well, are you digging
this theme? [CACKLING]
-Stop him.
Stop him.
-Thank you.
-Ooh, right in the keister.
-Kunta Kinte.
-Hit him It's dark.
-No one will know.
-I know.
Lowered heartbeat
to barely a pulse.
Close your door to the senses
like you did in the motel room.
-No, I was really dead, Tim.
I'm the Reanimator.
-On the edge of death.
It can only be
effective once or twice.
More than that--
-It loses its impact.
-Could prove fatal.
-Do it again.
I dare you.
-I'm glad you're alive.
-I prefer it.
-We are good friends, Tim.
-Epilogue, where you always
get to see Lee's gut.
Yep.
And there it is.
You see what I mean?
-When does it happen.
-Oh, about in a week.
But listen.
I want to thank
y'all for proving
something that I believed in.
-You cannot act.
-Sorry about your
brother, Carrie.
-Well, at least I
know for sure, now.
I needed to.
-Sob, sob.
Remorse, remorse.
Well!
-If you still need a job, I
can get you one with the union.
-I'll be in the van with Henry.
-Reading "Of Mice and Men."
-A classy guy.
-He's an idiot.
-I still don't know how you made
those people think he was dead.
-It's a long story, going back--
-Oh, an hour.
-Listen, about that job.
-You're fired.
-Heh heh heh heh.
-I've got to go, Carrie.
-No.
-Oh.
-There's someone we have
to find for the Master.
-The Master?
-My friend.
It's kind of a nickname.
Hey, I'll be back this
way for next year's race.
-You better be.
-Because I'll be
of legal age then.
-Hey.
-Sorry.
-Oh, she tastes like salmon.
-Ooh.
-Hey.
-What are we in the middle of?
-What's this?
-Take my hand.
-I'm a stranger in paradise.
-But there's nothing
wrong with my car!
-Now!
Pull up.
ALICIA: I can't do it.
-Grab hold of the wire.
-We missed something.
-Who's that?
-[MOCKING NOISES]
-OK.
See if you can shake
her loose now, Tim.
Hoo.
-Next week, on "Mannix."
-Hey look, Bud Cort's up
at the top of the cliff,
playing a banjo.
Heh.
-Matt Houston.
In color.
-(SINGING) Those magnificent
men in their flying machines.
-All right.
See that guy down there?
-Jump on him.
-I'm going to drop
you off right by him.
-No, I--
-Ew.
Ew.
I hate him.
Ew.
I hate him.
Ew.
Ew.
-It's going to be OK.
When I tell you
to drop, you drop.
-What in the Sam H-- oh.
MAX (ON RADIO): Look,
going to drop her right by you.
So be ready.
-Timothy Van Patten
is "Sky King."
-Brought to you by Nabisco.
-Coming in.
Drop!
-Well, she is kind of
a blonde bombshell.
It's kind of a stretch.
-Ouch.
-And in an unrelated incident,
a car pulled over today.
More later.
-More better.
-Enjoy Red Wing shoes.
-I like to watch.
-Hey, we lost the sound.
-No, no.
It's--
-Oh, I--
It's--
-Oh, I--
-Oh, I--
-Yeah.
-Oh, I--
-Yeah.
-Hmm.
-You OK?
-I'm fine.
I'm fine.
-Yeah.
-I knew those brakes were gone.
I should have had them fixed.
There's just no time.
I mean, everything's
always too fast.
My whole life's always been--
-I should have dropped you.
-I mean, that last
bend back there,
I didn't even-- I didn't even
think I was going to make it.
-Slow down.
Take a breath.
You're going faster
than the car.
-I will.
I always talk too
fast, especially when
I'm scared half to death.
Who are you?
-Max Keller.
John McAllister.
-Oh, I'm Alicia Clayton,
native of California, freckles,
surfboards, and, uh, fast cars.
-What is this,
"The Dating Game"?
-[HUMS "SPANISH FLEA"]
-We'll take you home.
-Uh, wait a minute.
You saved my life.
And what am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed
to give you for that?
-Oh, just--
-A dollar?
-A dollar.
Good.
A big dollar.
-I have an idea.
-Oh, yes.
-There's a big garden party
this afternoon for family
and friends of the
European Summit.
Will you come?
-I don't think we'd
be on the guest list.
-Uh, we hate Europe.
-My father's Senator Clayton.
He's organizing the party.
-Senator Claghorn?
-Um, uh, do me a favor.
Don't say anything about
the sports car, OK?
I mean, he's had to put
up with added security,
bomb threats, secret
service agents.
All he needs now
is to hear about
a reckless-driving daughter.
4 o'clock.
Oh, and, uh, black tie.
OK?
-OK.
-OK.
-Get in.
-Well, bye.
-D'oh.
-Hey, shoot some of
this action my way.
-Maybe I should have kissed her.
-Would have been a good move.
-Garden party?
-We'll take it.
-Right.
-Do you think Rick
Nelson will be there?
-It's possible.
-Maybe.
Reminiscing.
-Eastern thugs go with flow.
-Ah, what a cliche.
A Japanese guy in a GM car.
-Xanadu, stately home
of Charles Foster Kane.
Cost?
No one can say.
-Looks like a Paul
Klee painting.
-Yeah.
CASTILE: We'll come from
the west, out of the sun.
-He's got a crown on.
CASTILE: Here.
SERENA: Senator Clayton
won't know what hit him.
We'll be ready.
Every man knows what
he's supposed to do.
How many people do
you want killed?
-How many you up for?
-No one.
We'll take what we
came for and out.
-Oh, the military's
wearing Zubaz now.
-Mm.
Neat.
I like.
-Not Sybil Danning, but
an incredible simulation.
-I'll say.
-Your loyalties must
be with the sect.
-Say "Uncle."
-David McCallum.
-My loyalties are to myself.
You know that.
-I can remember--
-Don't remember.
Memories are dangerous
in the wrong hands.
-Remember when you used
to get good work, Dave?
-Castile.
-Serena.
You want liberation for
your people, to free them,
What makes you think
this is the right way?
-Liberate this, David.
-If they don't heed
us, we'll kill them.
-Yeah.
Yeah, you'll kill anyone
who standing in your way,
for the cause.
That's the burden you carry.
I stopped believing in causes.
-Now I just believe in effects.
-For which we pay you
a great deal of money.
-Plus Dental and a 401(k).
-I'll get you what you need.
-Peroxide.
Lots of it.
-It might even work, If you
do exactly as you're told.
-She's Skeletor's sister.
-Look at her.
-Shelly-tor.
-What memories will
hold you back then?
-Well,we could sell
their plasma, maybe.
-- --won't cooperate,
you can kill them.
-Get Noel Harrison to do it.
-Ba-boom.
-Yeah.
MAX (VOICEOVER): It was a
And I figured the worst
that could happen to us
was eating a bad hors
d'oeuvres or drinking
too much champagne, right?
-Right.
MAX (VOICEOVER): Not when
you're with the Master.
-So, more "horse dee ovaries"?
There you go.
-David Eisenhower.
-Hi there.
Hi.
How's it going.
Hi.
-Hello, there.
-Hello.
-Who's winning the Dodger game?
Oh.
-Hi, Amy.
-Alicia, I need to ask you--
-Let me talk to you
in a little bit, OK?
-Kinda looks like Stevie
Nicks in that outfit.
-Yeah, I wouldn't
have recognized her
without a big bottle
of Wild Turkey, though.
-D'oh!
-Oh, left at the altar, huh?
-Ah.
-Good crowd, huh?
-Thank you.
-Told the Senator there'd
be a large attendance.
We could have our
own summit meeting.
-Move your hand or
lose it at the wrist.
-Ooh.
Such a smart mouth for
such a lovely lady.
-Get lost, Palin.
- --tologist.
-When are you going to
give me a break, huh?
-Greasy kid stuff.
-Oily.
Even in a tux.
How do you do it?
SENATOR CLAYTON: Johnny.
-Be good.
-Did you double the security?
-Everything's taken care of--
-Everybody's got two guns, sir.
-Nothing to worry about.
-I like worrying, Senator.
Humor me.
-Get an ulcer.
-Darling, you look stunning.
-Well, thank you, daddy.
-I was just telling
her the same thing.
-Yeah, but in a
sleazy, sexist way.
-Somehow. it just
didn't sound the same.
Excuse me.
-She's digging me big time.
I know it.
-I feel like I'm back
at my high school prom.
-I hope your date was
better looking than me.
-That's a sure bet.
-The longest legs and
the greatest eyes.
-But that's it.
-How about you?
didn't you have a
girl on your arm,
the last time you were
decked out like this?
-V-J Day.
-Nuff said.
-Party on the base, in Honolulu.
We'd never met before.
-Saw her across a
crowded room, huh?
-Something like that.
-Who was she?
-Someone very special.
-She threw on a dashiki
and blew my ninja mind.
-It's your turn.
-I don't think this is
my kind of scene here.
-Well, if she's going
to be too much for you,
why don't you let
experience take over?
-I think there are laws
against that sort of thing.
-She'll talk you to death.
-I'll risk it.
-I need a game plan.
-On the tenth
sentence, kiss her.
-Oh, sure, take advice from
long-time bachelor Lee Van
Cleef.
-Uh, take that "Kick
Me" sign off your butt.
-That's your paper moon, buddy.
-Now you're ready.
-Thanks.
Hey, Alicia.
-I used to be Bond.
James Bond.
Now I'm in movies.
Bad movies.
-Lord Bond.
Not bad.
-Looks like there's a
guy as dull as I am.
-Hm.
-Isn't everyone
in here so phony?
-No thank you.
Could you get me
some fruit juice?
-Yes, sir.
-Thank you.
-Creatures?
-John Peter McAllister.
Well, well.
-That's my name, too.
-Is that still the
name you're using?
-It's as good as any.
-I wouldn't have thought a
Southern California garden
party was quite your style.
-And what style would that be?
-What?
-Austerity.
The dedication.
The discipline.
Of a ninja master.
-Uh, I'm also an Amway salesman.
Go on.
-Of a killer.
-You'll never get rid of that
thought, will you, Mallory?
-Why should I?
-Killer.
Killer.
Killer.
Killer.
-Political assassination.
-Killer.
Paid killers.
-Killer.
-A young man named Okasa.
-O-killer.
-He is no longer my pupil.
-Who's playing him now?
-Now you've taught
him how to kill.
-Killer.
-He doesn't need you anymore.
-Kill.
-Okasa's a good cop.
-Or does he?
-Killer.
-I left that way
of life behind me.
-What are you doing here?
-Networking.
-Killer.
-We were invited, pal.
-Who's the geek?
-A new pupil?
-The name's Max Keller.
-Killer?
- --you were killed in Japan.
-Killer.
-News of my death was
somewhat exaggerated.
-Ooh, Lee Van Cleef
and Mark Twain tonight.
-On the eve of a
European Summit.
-Killer killer killer.
-Just passing through.
-Like I said, pal, we
were invited to a party.
That's all.
-You were the worst James Bond.
-Enjoy it.
-Killer.
-I'll have one of those.
One of those.
He looks good.
A little of that.
-Jeepers, what a femmy ninja.
-Oh.
-This is new.
-Get back in the food line.
-The man in the crowd with
on his hobnail boots!
-Yeah!
-Whee!
-Very interesting.
But cuckoo.
-Hey, look.
Brian Jones is in that pool.
-I was just going to the buffet.
-Move, Miss Clayton.
You're going with us.
-Man, that looks like the
Brady house, doesn't it?
-Come on, Senator.
Let's go.
-Yeah, come on, Senator.
You'll know which
bars are open late.
Heh-hoo!
-Hey, it's an armed
Progressive dinner.
-Those are great.
-Hiya!
-Damn.
Guess I'm not the
only ninja here.
-Whoa.
Two on a star.
-Not good.
-Good night, everyone.
You were enjoyed.
There's more rice in the
fridge if you need it.
Bye.
-Boy, you know,
Malcolm Forbes really
knew how to throw a party.
-Let me tell ya.
-Lighten up.
He was just going to
give you a to-go cup.
Come on!
-Hey, Larry Bird's dad.
-Not with hostages aboard!
-Sandwiches?
-The finger dance, Sir.
-The bullet grazed my hand.
-Oh, he shot a Wacky WallWalker
on the side of that helicopter.
-Oh, how about it?
-OK.
OK.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
-All right.
-Wow.
He's driving an Aston Martin.
No, it's-- it's a--
Martin and Lewis.
A John Astin and Martin Lewis.
-Cool.
-Tetris for Game Boy.
-Yes.
Yes.
MAX (VOICEOVER): Getting
was bad enough.
Then we got arrested.
-Max, you've got to
stop punishing yourself.
There was nothing you could do.
-Now Tim can't get arrested.
-They took her.
Right out of my hands.
Some ninja pupil.
First moment of real danger, and
he folds like a house of cards.
-I was there, too.
All I could do was--
-I can't believe
they actually think
we had something to
do with that raid.
-I can't believe I
ate the whole thing.
-Go with him.
-Edward James Olmos.
Almost.
-Your father, your brother
Vince, and your aunt Joyce
are here to bail you out.
Get out of here.
-McCloud.
-All right, McAllister.
-Alastair?
-I want some answers.
-Mine?
Or the ones you want to hear?
-I can't believe you're
still doing that in your act.
-And here's your watch.
-Nice hot rod.
-Michael, this is KITT.
I need to be on the set
of St. Elsewhere by four.
[CHEERING]
-We love mime.
- --how they got through,
and I want to know quick.
-Is it OK that we're
dressed all the same?
-They saw a person driving--
-You can write that
in your report.
How many hostages were taken?
-10.
All the wives and relatives
of the European delegates.
And Senator Clayton's--
-Ahh.
-Bob, where were you?
-What do you mean, where was I?
Look.
We were surprised.
Now we tried the best we could.
All my men tried.
None of us could get
a clean shot at him.
-Did we overdress
for this briefing?
- --from the kidnappers?
-There's nothing yet, Senator.
-You've blanketed the area?
-In about four minutes.
-Bob.
-I didn't want Ted
Turner to hear this,
but he wants to colorize
"The Second Hundred
Years," What do you think?
-You know, in a couple of
years, this whole thing's
going to be replaced
by a desktop.
-I don't think it was Carlos.
And it's not Keljin.
-But it started with a K.
-In and out.
Varied personnel.
-Know what I mean?
-And nobody killed.
Now who does that sound like?
-Gordon Liddy?
-A professional.
-Specifically.
-Castile?
-Yup.
He entered Miami two days ago.
We lost him in the Rockies.
-How dangerous is he?
-Oh, I'd put him
in the top three.
-What are you guys
talking about?
-No clue.
-Gee.
-He's long since
given up caring.
-Well, what do you
think he wants?
-It's not what he wants.
It's what they want.
-It's like a tennis match.
-Who?
-That's what I'm asking.
-Third base!
-But he has had a
particular association
with one group of
terrorists over the years.
They call themselves
Freedom Fighters.
-Hm.
-Contras?
-Led by a girl named Serena.
-Oh, it's the Groovie Goolies.
-That was a long time ago.
-Ah, with Castile--
-Love his soap.
-Old loyalties die hard.
-You know Castile.
Oh yeah, I know him.
-Oh, I love their soap.
-I've tried to
nail him for years.
Say!
So has
-Mallory.
They've crossed each other's
paths a number of times.
-Yes, and both of
them still alive.
-So far.
Mallory was at the garden party.
-Everyone was there.
Yoko brought a walrus.
There was magic in the air.
-So where the hell is he now?
-He's driving around in his
fabulous new Aston Martin!
-Could these have come
from ancient astronauts?
Shut up.
-Phew, well.
Even a secret agent has
to go wring out a sock.
-Ooh.
-Shaken, not stirred.
-For lease?
Oh boy.
I've got to call my realtor.
Oh.
-Oh, he must be president
of the Audobon Society.
And look.
Oh.
And look.
Oh.
Oh.
-He's driving on the Autobahn.
Oh.
-He's driving on the Autobahn.
Careful.
Those are sharp.
-Ah!
My ankle bendy-wendy ooh.
-Xanadu, stately home
of-- oh, forget it.
-We'd like to thank you for
coming to today's open house.
You'll be dying here.
-This is the dying room.
-Uh, this'll be your room.
-Fits right in.
-OK, let's go.
-Are you OK?
Yes.
-Bars.
-And punch.
That's what I'm hungry for.
-We're too high, anyway.
-I Know.
-There's another
way out of here?
-Wait a minute.
Hey.
It's Brian Ferry,
taking pictures.
-Yes, yes.
Work with me.
Come on.
Throw your gutters back.
Wet your roof.
Throw your gutters back.
Wet your roof.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
-She's reading
-She's reading
-Oh.
-Look.
-Where?
Oh.
-Oh, I've seen this show.
It's "The Master" with the
James Bond no one remembers.
-Yeah.
-You know this man.
-Yeah, I know him.
-Brian Ferry.
-Do you want him killed?
-Natch!
-If it becomes necessary.
Time to make contact.
-Thanks.
Uh, you'll these back
at the end of your trip.
Thank you.
-Forbes here.
-Microsoft Service.
Could you hold for an hour?
-Right.
Thank you.
-Wait, wait.
The--
-Control.
-What do they want?
-Political prisoners released.
Jails in Lebanon, France.
Irish terrorists in England.
Subversive elements in Berlin.
About 200--
-And a bucket of chicken.
-Castile.
-All right, Castile.
We've opened negotiations.
But you have to understand--
-No, you understand.
Finalize negotiations
by 6:00 in the morning,
or we execute the hostages.
-Now you do that, Castile.
And you're marked for life.
There'll be nowhere in
the world you can hide.
-You can always
hide in the shadows.
-Ooh, he got me on that.
-You walked right into it.
-I will contact you
at precisely 0550.
-That's it, huh?
-Forbes, continue negotiations
with the governments.
Let them think we're
going through with it.
-Again?
-What is our plan?
Oh, shut up, Mr. Bond.
-Helicopter assault at dawn.
-That's crazy.
You know Castile.
He's killed hostages before.
Stockholm, Frankfort.
-We don't bargain
with terrorists.
Munich, '72, taught us that.
-Uh, we had numbers then.
That was at the Olympics.
-Everyone'll be dead.
-Let's roll.
-We should get going.
-Hey.
Photo insert.
-Yeah.
-Cool.
-One or two men over that wall
and inside, before we hit them.
-That's a sheer, 70-foot wall.
No human being could climb that.
-True.
Unless he were a ninja.
TOM SERVO: No, no, no, no no.
It's all wrong Timothy
Van Patten is not
the type for a gerbil.
-It's a hamster.
-Well, whatever.
He shouldn't be going
around with a Cricetid,
or any small Slavic
origin rodent.
It doesn't fit the profile.
-Ah, you're loony.
-Well, for your
information, Boris,
there are plenty
of perfect examples
of detectives, and other
crime fighting types,
whose pets were
perfectly suited to them.
Baretta's cockatoo.
Sonny Crockett had a crocodile.
Columbo's basset hound.
BJ had The Bear.
-Turner had Hooch.
-Right.
Good.
McCloud had his horse.
They all make sense.
-Oh, come on.
Who went and made
you the expert?
-Well--
-Uh, well, actually, I did.
I wrote a subroutine
into his database,
allowing him to pair fictional
detectives with pets.
-Oh, gee, what a useful
bit of programming.
-Hey.
-Well, it's something to do.
I mean, uh, why
don't you, uh, do it
for us with today's
mumbling hero, you know?
-Well, I'd suggest a
mandrill for Timothy.
-A mandrill?
-What about Magnum, PI?
-Oh, let's see.
Something tropical.
A sea turtle.
-How about Jim Rockford?
-Praying mantis.
-TJ Hooker?
-Oh, he'd have a creature
with the head of Adrian Zmed
and the body of a spider monkey.
-Uh, the Avengers!
-For Emma Peel, a newt.
For John Steed, let's see,
a spitting cobra or a duck.
-Toma?
-Cockatoo, same as Baretta.
Next?
-Uh, Bat Masterson.
-Penguin.
All of your 19th century Western
detectives would have penguins.
But there may be a
couple puffins thrown in.
So be sure to ask
me about each one.
-OK.
-What about, uh,
Starsky and Hutch
-Paul Michael Glaser, a vicuna.
David Soul, a bat.
-Uh, Matlock.
-He raises mealworms for money.
-The Saint.
-Sea cow.
-Miss Marple.
-Wasel.
-Mod Squad?
-Puppy, lizard, bird.
-Uh, Charles Darwin.
-Oh, now, he wasn't a detective.
-Well, so?
He tracked stuff
down, didn't he?
-It's OK, Joel, it's OK.
Crow, Profesor Darwin
would have a howler monkey
that would eventually into his
wisecracking partner, Blake.
-Oh, now, you're
just showing off.
-Hey, wait a minute.
Charles Darwin wasn't fictional.
-Just hush you two.
We've got commercials,
so let's go.
-What kind of pet
would Space Ghost have?
-Oh, that's a monkey.
-Yeah.
-Oh yeah.
-It's a trick question.
-You don't release Max
Keller until tomorrow.
-I thought he was your friend.
-He is.
But he'd insist
on going with us.
And I'm not getting him killed.
-God, he bugs me.
-You got it.
-You got me!
-Smug brothers right there.
-Couple of dorks.
-Oh,he brought his sample case.
-Yup.
-Well, no room
for underwear in--
-Sorry, Max.
-Yeah.
All this stuff.
-This turns out to
be an ending, wish
we'd have been together more.
-Look at all the things he
can do with his Spirograph.
-Come along, my little friend.
Even you, Longfellow.
-You know, his act is
kind of prop-heavy.
-Yeah.
-Yep.
-Uh, You forgot your six finger.
-Man alive.
-The gerbil!
-Oh no!
-Wait, I thought he
turned that light off.
-Sockies.
-Oh no, it's Queen
Latifah again.
-You think he just walked
though the lobby like that?
-I don't know.
Music by Zamfir.
-Gotcha, you little Dickens.
[SHOUTING]
-It is well choreographed.
-Very nice.
-Everybody's going out for it.
-Ooh!
[KNOCKING]
-(MUFFLED) Hey, keep
it down in there.
Hey, I'm trying to sleep.
Shut up in there.
-I don't think Lee can
take much more of this.
-Uh-uh.
-You know, I don't
think that's Lee.
-I know.
-OK.
-You betrayed us, Master.
-I get the bed by the window.
-Not without a weapon.
-Oh,they do this every
episode, for crying out loud.
-Ah!
That always happens.
-That's got to sting.
-This guy's got a knife
in his didgeridoo.
[DIDGERIDOO NOISE]
-Hey!
-Wilkinson sword.
-I bet Holiday Inn has a
policy on this kind of stuff.
-Oh, I see you're using
the Danish counter.
I thought it was wise
considering the terrain.
I thought it was wise
considering the terrain.
-Uh-oh.
-Uh-oh.
-Garden weasel!
-Bruce Lee Press-On Nails.
-Ah.
-Ooh.
-That's a punch.
-Oh, man.
And "Designing Women"
is on in half an hour.
-Damn,
-Oh, I've heard about
this kind of behavior.
-D'oh.
-Jump back.
Erase myself.
-Oh, weak,
[BOOING]
-Weak, weak.
-I'm starting to not
believe this ninja stuff.
-Where has my little dog gone?
-Arf.
-You know?
-They had to release me.
No evidence.
Now I had to get to the Master.
-I'm innocent.
He soldered me in here.
Help.
-I know why he did it.
But he's not getting
away with it.
-With what?
So, cow flop?
-Do you think they'll find us?
-Nice caftan.
-Mhm.
-Really?
-Yes.
They will.
-Have a cow flop.
-Believe me.
-Let Hostage House
cater your next caper.
-Please. it's Shake 'n Bake.
And we helped.
-Come on.
Its original recipe.
Eat.
I'm missing "All My Children."
-Come on, everybody.
Sing.
"Get a bucket of chicken."
Come on.
"Finger lick--"
-Boy ,this chicken's
just no going over.
-Aw, hell, I'm not shy.
Can I have your dessert, too?
Hm?
-It's the Colonel!
-John Palin?
-Sit down.
-Now why didn't
you eat my chicken?
-John.
-Marsha.
-You're one of them.
-Poor little rich girl.
-The Gloria Vanderbilt story.
-You're not so beautiful
and defiant now.
-Well, she's still defiant.
Hmm.
-I could kill you right now.
-You're going to kill
us anyway, and don't you
think we all know it
-Zing.
-No one's coming
for you, Alicia.
-There.
I've said it.
And I'm proud.
-Ken Berry.
Huh.
-Boy, rotten senior
trip, eh, honey?
-Max.
-It hurts.
-Going to need me.
But thanks for the sentiment.
-You ever see "Food
of the Gods," buddy?
-This is it.
-Well, you're in it
now, up to your neck.
-I don't like trusting you.
-I don't think you
have much choice.
-Zinged him.
-You climb as I
do, or you'll fall.
-Hi-keeba.
-Huh.
So he's climbing a silo.
MAX (VOICEOVER): Found
out about the fortress
in the federal building.
-And the digger, and the
dealer, and the dog as well.
MAX (VOICEOVER):
And getting in there
were two different things.
-Hey, sounds like Chicago's
in the back of the van.
-Hey, crack a window.
-Great night for flying.
-Uh, Flying on the
ground is wrong.
-You get up that rope, Seeger.
-Oh, the great Master
Ninja needs a spotter.
-Uh-oh.
-Reaction.
-Cripes, I wet them.
Look out down there.
-Stay together, cheeks.
Stay-- stay together, cheeks.
Ooh.
-Where does he get
this stuff from?
-You know.
-Reaction.
-Oh brother.
-Uh, off belay, sort of.
Uh, there.
-Ah.
-Watch, now as they
go up the roof,
a celebrity will
stick his head out.
-Yeah.
-Batman.
-Prime it.
Where did he get this thing?
What is he, Hudson Hawk?
-First-pull all start.
Starts every time.
-Huh.
-Lean back, Tim.
Well, if old fatty up there
can do it, I guess I can.
-Looks like he's climbing
a rosary, doesn't it?
-I get a weird feeling
when I shimmy up this rope.
-Oh.
-Ator?
No!
-Quiet, Tim.
Shh.
-Picture yourself over
the Sea of Japan, Max.
-Auguring in.
-Did he bring his hamster
on the ultralight?
-No, he's talking to himself.
Oh.
-Follow me.
Keep your balance.
-I know how to balance.
-Duh, I'm sure.
-Then keep your voice down.
-(LOUDLY) What?
Oh.
Voice down.
Shh.
Right.
Shh.
Right.
Right.
-Come on.
Right.
-Come on.
Hurry.
I've got to get this
tux back to Gingiss.
-Come on.
-What's the plan?
-Plan?
Oh.
Oh.
-Split up.
Back at this wall in 20 minutes.
-You got it.
-Two of them, huh?
-Shoot them down.
Shoot to kill.
-Too late, Mr. Mallory.
This time, you're too late.
-Whoa, wait.
We missed something again.
-Wow, he landed in a cistern.
-We now join Timothy Van
Patten, already in progress.
-Careful, Tim.
That could hurt.
-Who is this man, Mallory?
-An old enemy.
I'll take care of him.
-It's army class.
-OK, thanks, Forbes.
Uh, thanks for the information.
I'll inform Senator Clayton.
-Roger.
Thanks for your order.
-They're going to launch
a full-scale helicopter
assault at 6 o'clock.
-Could they be mistaken?
-They have no
reason to lie to me.
-The helicopters are standing
at the foot of the mountain,
waiting to go.
We haven't got any time, unless
you intend to stand and fight.
-That's something else--
-Woof.
- --he gave up a long time ago.
-I know when to fight.
-When our back's
against the wall.
We can be out of here
in under an hour.
Get everything ready.
-Debbie Do-Right.
-The hostages?
-We'll execute them
just before we leave.
-Oh, you always put everything
off till the last minute.
-Your cause can
be served, Serena.
Next time, they'll listen.
-Oh, uh, Dave, Shaggy
wants his beard back.
-I think someone could
stand to sober up.
Take a shave and a shower.
-Hi, Chet.
-How's it going, Doris?
-Oh, fine.
-Hmm, not bad.
-Ooh.
-Owie ow ow ow.
-Spock.
-Spock.
-Where?
-Over there.
Restin tower.
-Okey-doke.
Thanks a lot
-Lee's the butt of that joke.
-Hey. "A Shot in the Dark."
-Your government cares
nothing for your lives.
They're the ones executing you.
-I wouldn't pay my taxes either.
-Poor little rich girl
is getting first--
-Oh no.
-Boy, her dress is taking
a beating, isn't it?
-No one follows us.
I know what you said about
my skull and I blew up.
Well, I'm just leaving.
-Gee, they seemed nice.
-Everything's going
to be all right.
-Hey, look, a furnace filter.
-[HUMMING JAMES BOND THEME]
-It's not funny, you know.
It's a furnace filter.
-Freeze!
-Tag!
Not it.
-Don't even think about it.
-Senator.
-You-- you said
something about a backup.
It's a longshot, Senator.
-It's a tape backup.
You're leaning on it.
-The assault force is ready.
-You heard from Mallory?
-No.
-No, no word. no.
-No.
-What about McAllister?
They could have got separated.
-Monitoring both frequencies.
Nothing.
-Nothing, huh?
Nothing.
-Nothing, huh?
-Nothing, huh?
Gee.
-Nothing, huh?
Gee.
Too bad.
-Send them in.
-Sorry.
-Lose the tux, will you?
It's starting to
smell like Fritos.
-I got a headache this big.
-Oh, my aching neck.
Second under [INAUDIBLE]-- what
are-- what are you looking at?
-We've seen it.
It's a nice piece
of real estate.
We know!
-We put him in here.
He was wearing some kind
of black ninja outfit.
-Real dopey looking.
-He's gone.
-Huh?
-And this time, it's personal.
-Ow, right. on my keys.
Ow.
-Oh.
My mask.
-Time Tunnel.
In color.
-Hey, the Average
White Band's up there.
-Sit down, Alicia.
-So I guess I'll
sit here then, OK?
Guy.
-How long have I had split ends?
-Hey.
-Hey!
-Let's see how
brave you are now.
-"Gip" your "hang" off of her.
-A stunt double all of a sudden.
-My.
You really slide
on that linoleum.
-Oof.
-Alicia.
Are you OK?
-Oh, yes.
-It's your breath.
-Oh.
-Max!
-Ah!
-Ah!
Oh.
-Oh.
-The end.
-Are you all right?
-I'm OK.
-I don't even want
to how you got here.
-Sea of Japan.
Glided in.
You know how that is.
What's happened to Mallory?
Little tete-a-tete
with Castile--
-Tater tots?
-Mm.
-Should buy us enough time.
-If it's any help, there's
an arsenal in the garage.
and, uh--
-Ocelot?
-Not going anywhere.
Not until I put this back.
-Hey, an RF cable.
Thanks, Tim.
-There's a guard on the door
at the top of the stairs.
Is that where the rest
of the hostages are?
-Yeah.
-Don't feed them chicken.
-Get your truck ready.
Make sure the gates are open.
I need your help.
-To do what?
-Scream.
-Pull my finger.
-What?
-Scream.
-Scream.
-Scream.
ALICIA: [SCREAMS]
-Good.
-That's cue.
-Alley-oop.
Give and go.
-Appreciate the help.
-Any time.
-Listen, pal.
-Pull my finger.
-You're starting to look
more like me every day.
I must be rubbing off on you.
-Ew.
Ick.
-I said pull my finger.
Ah, he's not going to do it.
Come on.
-Suddenly she's a ninja groupie.
Don't hang around with them.
-This is a ninja cookie.
-Hm.
-Stand straight like a soldier.
-Oh.
I'm, like, blind.
[SCREAMING]
-Quiet!
-Whoa.
Somebody let a
crow loose in here?
Shut up!
-Everybody.
Don't be afraid.
Get out.
Come on.
You're on your way.
-Come on.
-You're on your way.
-Come on.
-You're on your way.
-You're on your way.
-Hurry up.
-You're on your way.
-Hurry up.
My parents will be
home in 10 minutes.
-Sure hope somebody
grabbed that chicken.
-Move it.
Come on.
-Mom said, never
trust a guy in satin.
-You cad!
-Grrr.
-Start the executions.
-Without me.
-Load the helicopters.
Mr. Mallory and I have a few
quiet words to say together.
In private.
-Say.
-Don't
-No, don't move.
I want to remember you
just as you are right now.
-Getting rattled?
A little
uncharacteristic emotion.
-I'm hammered.
-You've killed a
lot of my friends.
-So?
-Got in the way.
I don't kill innocent people.
-What about your control,
sending in his assault force?
You think he cares about
the lives of the hostages?
-All he cares about
is stopping terrorism.
-It's all terrorism.
Different names,
different causes.
-Ooh, deep.
-Save the world.
For what?
What do you care about, Mallory?
-David's got a little
pain to work through.
-Yeah, I think so.
-Oh, I see.
You're being professional.
Using whatever time's
left to reflect
on the cost of your
professionalism.
-I'm Max Keller.
Cripes.
Where'd I park my van?
-Hey what happened to him?
-Took a bullet in
the flipper, I think.
-Guess so.
-This place is really swell.
-Uh-oh.
-Oh, wrong door.
Oh man, oh man, oh
man, oh man, oh man.
-Blondes have more guns.
-My Thom McCans!
-Now, the willie.
You're going to be last.
-Huh?
-Huzzah!
-Oh, now he's into that.
-Yeah.
So why doesn't the
gas affect him?
-He can't breathe
through his nose.
-What goes up.
Must--
[GUNFIRE]
-That was me.
Sorry.
-I'd say the marines
have just landed.
-Too late to help you, Mallory.
-Ha ha!
Silly String!
Whoo hoo!
Huzzah!
-Who are you?
-You'll never know.
-Just how much I--
-Gymkata.
-Good move.
-Well, thanks.
That was nice work.
-If you can get it.
-Max is loading the
hostages onto a truck.
Now let's get out of here.
-Ryder rents, loser transports.
[GRUNTING]
-Hey, you got our stuff.
-Oh, yes.
I love these shots.
Slow it down more.
Please.
-(SLOWLY) Hi-Keeba
-Now it looks like they're
climbing down a rosary.
-Yup.
-Yup.
-Ow.
-Ow.
It's the knots
that-- ouch. ouch.
Oh, rope burns.
Oh.
-Now, let's go home, friend.
-Ow.
Be careful.
I'm wealthy.
-I don't think U-Haul
recommends that.
-The migrant socialites,
bound for Malibu.
-Uh, will you guys be my friend?
-Whoa there, just a little bit.
Huh.
-Yeah, he's a ninja, all right.
Look at the cat-like moves.
-So you came back for me.
-You'd've come back for me.
-I would now.
-Ah, you big lug, come here.
Ah.
-His tux sure held up well, huh?
-Didn't expect to see you again.
-I had the same feeling
about you last night.
I should have known better.
-With a girl like you.
-What can I do?
-Take a few less chances.
-I'll stop when you stop.
-One two three stop!
-Oh, guests of "Master
Ninja" fly Air America.
-Glad they weren't early.
-One Adam-12, stop the movie.
-Please.
-Once you're safe.
There'll be a bus to pick
you up here in a moment.
-And they'll take you on a
tour of the stars' homes.
-But Max, you're not
leaving, are you?
-Uh, so I am in love
with a union organizer.
-Everything'll be
back to normal again.
I mean, it's like, if I can
figure out what's normal again,
but-- Listen, we could
spend time together.
I mean, without
bullets flying around
and helicopters
landing in my backyard.
-Alicia?
-Shut up!
Is that 10 sentences, yet?
-What?
-Mmm.
-Oh, you taste just
like Monte Markham.
-You taste like ninja.
-Don't you be a stranger, OK?
-I'll remember that.
-This guy's breaking
hearts all over the map.
-Bye.
-Bye, Max.
-Bye.
-All right.
First base, huh?
-You were right.
When in doubt--
-You kiss them.
-Yeah, hot, I'm a bad
Van Patten, aren't I?
-Well, we will, as soon
as Okasa's stopped.
-Well, at least he
wasn't around this time.
Count our blessings, right?
-Geez, you need the
universal translator
to understand that guy.
-Colonel Pressings?
-Before we go on searching
for your daughter,
we're going to swing by
Vegas for a little R and R.
-Go stand by Vegas?
-I thought we just
had a good time.
-D'oh!
-Oh, Master Ninja,
will you ever learn?
Well, let's get going.
-I'm going to stay.
-I liked that one.
-Sing the theme song here.
-(SINGING) He's a
man with a plan.
He's a ninja.
You've got to go where
the hamster goes.
You're a ninja.
Uh, Joel.
Joel.
Joel!
Carry me.
-OK.
What, are you sick of this?
-(SINGING) He's got
thighs like a hamster.
Hoo.
Ha.
Get down.
Jump back.
Kiss myself.
-You know, today's
experiment was
packed with more Timothy
Van Patten scenes than ever.
And yet, I feel so empty.
-Yeah.
Usually, when I watch
two back-to-back episodes
of a failed mif-'80s
action show,
repackaged and presented
as a feature-length movie,
I expect more.
-Well, you've got to
admit, the experiments
have been pretty rugged lately.
But let's let bygones be bygones
and has-beens be has-beens,
and have some fun with this neat
Lee Van Cleef foamcore dress-up
doll.
You see?
doll.
You see?
You see?
Lookit.
You see?
Lookit.
-Lee's already dressed for
action in his Joe Namath
netted slingshot briefs there.
-Oh my God, Joel.
For Heaven's sake, put
some clothes on him.
-You know, with that gut,
wouldn't the Charles Durning
underoos be far
more appropriate?
-Well, no.
Check it out.
See what happens when you
put the ninja costume on?
How, uh, what a slimming
effect it has on the guy?
-Wow.
-See, isn't that neat?
-Hey, could you put a
pirate costume on him?
-Wha?
-Lee Van Cleef didn't
wear a pirate outfit
in this or any other film.
-I know.
It's just a fantasy
I've always had.
-[SIGH]
-Anyway, it's, uh,
time to read a letter.
-Oh!
-Let's put that up on
still store there, Cambot.
This one comes
from Sue Schroeder
of Rochester, New York.
-Hi, Sue.
-And Sue writes,
"I can certainly
sympathize with being
forced to watch bad movies,
because I am a Film
Studies grad student.
Most of the movies
that I have to watch,
though, are 10 hours
long, and have subtitles.
Actually, when I was
still taking classes,
I didn't even get to see movies.
All I did was read Freud
and dumb French people
like," uh, what's that word?
-Derrida.
-"Derrida."
-Foucault!
-"I hated it.
Well, I almost have my degree,
so it will all be over soon.
PS, I want to draw a
picture for you all,
but I have to get back
to writing my thesis.
Also, will you three say
what your favorite movies
of all time are?"
That's a good one.
-Well, for me it's easy.
"Big Fauss and Little Halsey."
-Crow?
-Kafka's "The Castle"
-I thought it was Zardoz.
-I'd have to say "Colossus:
the Forbin Project."
-Huh.
-What do you think, sirs?
-Ah, "The Forbin Project."
One of my favorite films.
The thing I like most about it--
-Doctor, can I
just say something?
Can I just get serious?
I have something
very important, which
I really feel has to be said.
-Well, Frank, you
do look serious.
Um, by all means,
the floor is yours.
-Thank you, doctor.
You know, one thing
in today's experiment
caused great pain to
yours truly, TVs Frank.
It was the appearance of Monte
Markham in the second episode--
I mean the later half--
of today's movie.
Monty Markham was the star of
my favorite television series
when I was just a young man,
living in my mother's basement.
I'm talking, of course, of "The
Second Hundred Years," which,
as you all remember, was the
crazy, wild show about him,
being trapped in suspended
animation for 100 years,
coming back trying to fit
into contemporary society.
I liked it.
"The Second Hundred Years"
was truly vintage Markham.
And I want everyone out there
right now to write to ABC,
and say, please, please,
Mr. ABC Executive,
bring back "The Second Hundred
Years," starring Monte Markham.
Please do it for the laughter.
For the love.
For the boys.
-Well, Frank that
was very touching.
I'm sure the "Second
Hundred Year"
issue was on everyone's mind.
Shall I crush your skull,
or do you want to do it?
-Oh, I think you ought to.
-Very well.
[CLANG] Well, in the immortal
words of Monte Markham,
"Here come de judge."
FRANK: Uh, that was Pigmeat
Markham. [CLANG] Ahh!
not-too-distant future,
next Sunday, AD.
There was a guy named Joel, Not
too different from you or me,
He worked at Gizmonic
Institute, just another face
in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job
cleaning up the face.
But his bosses didn't like him
so they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies.
The worst we can find.
La la la.
He'll have to sit
and watch them all.
And we'll monitor his mind.
La la la.
Now keep in mind,
Joel can't control
where the movies begin or end.
La la la.
Because he used
those special parts
to make his robot friends.
Robot roll call.
Cambot.
Pan left.
Gypsy.
Hi, girl.
Tom Servo.
What a cool guy.
Crow.
He's a wisecracker.
It you're wondering how
he eats and breathes,
and other science
facts, La la la.
Then repeat to yourself,
it's just a show.
I should really just relax.
For Mystery Science
Theater 3000.
-Hey, hi, everybody.
Welcome to the
Satellite of Love.
I'm Joel Robinson.
And this is my improv group,
"Anyone For More Fruitcake."
We're from Chicago.
And we do improv, which is
known as instant theatre.
We make-- we make up our own
play, right before your living,
breathing eyes.
OK, now I need a volunteer
suggestion from the audience.
You're-- you're
alone, aren't you?
What, some kind of Love
Connection screw-up over there?
-Good one.
-Anyway, I'm just kidding.
Now, could you just give
a suggestion for a place
where Tom and Crow could meet?
-Cream of Wheat.
-Cream of Wheat.
OK.
I can see that.
-We get that so many times.
-Now I need a
suggestion for something
that Tom and Crow
could do together,
that would be appropriate
to do in front
of the Pope or your mother.
OK?
So please keep-- yeah.
-Peter Gabriel.
-Peter Gabriel.
OK, you're at Cream
of Wheat, and you're
about to do Peter Gabriel.
CROW AND TOM SERVO: [WHISPERING]
-OK, now one last thing.
I need the name of a celebrity.
OK?
-Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
-Yeah.
-Anger.
-Yeah.
-Anger.
-Anger.
-Anger.
-Anger.
-Anger.
OK.
You're at Cream of Wheat
with Peter Gabriel,
and anger walks in.
OK, go.
-[HUMMING]
-Hi, Peter Gabriel.
-Hello.
Want some Cream of Wheat?
-No, I don't want
Cream of Wheat!
-Freeze!
GYPSY: [LAUGHTER]
-Thank you.
Thank you.
-Thank you.
Thank you.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial
Sign in five seconds.
I think that was the worst
improv I've seen.ever seen.
-You should've gone
to your "Where."
-You negated me.
-No I didn't,
-D'oh!
-What I was trying to do was
become a potato on stage.
And you didn't let
me be that potato.
-Now, you see, I
didn't get that.
I thought you were a hedgehod.
-No, you didn't "Yes,
And" each other.
And you forgot to
go back to your
Where when you were doing
that hedgehod thing.
-Exactly.
-I wasn't a hedgehod.
I was clearly a potato.
I was asking to be
fried in hot oil.
What kind of a hedgehog
would be fried in hot oil?
-Just cool it.
The bad boys of the
basement are calling.
-Now we're going to
do a structure called
"Man in the Street."
Certainly is warm today, Frank.
-It's cold!
-You know what they
say about Chicago.
-Hey, is that Milli Vanilli?
-Frank!
-I am not Spock.
-Frank, go get strapped into
this week's invention exchange.
-OK, Dudley.
-Well, Joel, I'm going to
come right out and say it.
I really like buffet dinig.
Although it can be
a dream come true,
sometimes it's quite tiring.
That's why we've invented
the new conveyor belt buffet.
Swiss steak, Frank?
-Oui, oui, monsieur.
-How about some
Southern baked ham?
-I've always depended on
the kindness of caterers.
-Juice?
-Mhm.
-What about mashed potatoes?
-Mashed enchantment.
-And for those of you who
like to eat fast food,
you've never seen
food this fast before.
-I'll just have some-- and
then I'll take a little--
and then I'll-- with
the-- and ahhhh.
-Well, Joel, not only have we
invented the world's fastest
buffet, we've invented
a Lucy sketch.
Back to you, DesiLu.
-Yes, your grouchinesses, sir.
This week, we've got
a green experiment
that's based on those
New Age pioneer friends
over in Biosphere II.
And it uses a power source
that's available in just
about any home in the USA.
And that is the gerbil.
-Or a smallish hamster.
Either one.
-Right, exactly.
And what this is, is a
totally self-contained,
self-perpetuating
biosphere environment
for the gerbil of the
not-so-distant future,
I like to call the
GerbilSphere II.
OK, you want to take
it partway there, Tom?
-Sure thing, Joel.
Now the central element in
our holistic environment
is the common running wheel.
As our furry, pioneering friend
turns the wheel, the log, here,
is propelled through
the wood lather,
resulting in, of
course, the wood chips
down below that you see.
JOEL: Right.
-Which encourages the
gerbil, or hamster, to poop.
JOEL: Right, and that
fertilizes the, uh--
-The field of alfafa,
which we see here,
the sprouts growing at
just the proper rate
to keep the gerbil
nourished, but not obese.
Dr. Crow?
CROW: Ah, yes.
Uh, now, every three years, we
will rotate in some soy beans.
We didn't do that. originally,
and accidentally destroyed
all the topsoil.
-Oops.
-And of course, another minor
problem with our perfect system
is that the CO2
released by the alfalfa
can at times combine with
certain undesignated elements,
causing an uncontrolled
thunderstorm
in the upper reaches
of the perfect system.
-But, but we have installed
the air cleaner up here,
which we believe will rectify
the CO2 conditions, which
we must remind you
is only sporadic,
and which we do not
believe interferes
in any significant way
whith the wholeness
or perfection of
our system here.
CROW: No.
-You know what, there's so
much torque involved with this,
uh, this little running wheel.
I-- I have a feeling we're
going to need a gerbil that's
at least 20 pounds, though.
-23
-Our people are working on it.
Uh, we have a--
thinking maybe a motor.
-Seems like kind of a gyp.
-Well, we're going to do a
structure called "Yes, And."
Oh, Frank.
I'm going to jab this
icepick into your eye.
-Yes.
And that will cause pain
and may make a comment
on the contemporary mores.
-Good.
Good, Be in the moment.
-OK.
-Well, Joely, uh, your
experiment this week
is kind of like a
spastic road picture.
It stars Lee Van Cleef
and Timothy Van Patten.
And it's called Master Ninja II.
Yes.
And.
It's really bad.
Heh heh.
Hit the button, Frank.
-Wow, you improved that
whole thing, didn't you?
That was really instant theatre.
I love it.
-Oh no.
He's dead.
-Oh, we've got Movie Sign!
-Spotlight on the
Black Moses of Soul.
-I feel like a Band on the Run.
-N-n-n-n-n-Ninja.
Oh, it's ladies lingerie night.
-Ooh.
-M-m-m-m-master Ninja.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-hi keeba.
Ha-ha-ha-hi Keeba.
Ha-ha-ha-hi Keeba.
-Oh, it's a Lee Van Cliffhanger.
Ha!
-L-l-l-Lee Van Cleef.
L-l-l-l-l-Lee Van Cleef.
-Walk like an
Egyptian, conka-chonk.
-Ah, Timothy Van Patten,
the great Dutch ninja.
-Is this a karate movie?
-Mm, I think it's
Blue Man Group.
Oh no, look, it's Catfish
Hunter warming up.
-There's no Kosugi like Sho
Kosugi, like no Kosugi I know.
-Yeah.
Might say that.
MAX (VOICEOVER): Hi.
I'm Max Keller.
-I have fallen arches.
MAX (VOICEOVER): I used to spend
my mornings tightrope walking.
Now I'm a marathon runner.
-Huh.
Go figure.
Dodge trucks.
Ram tough.
MAX (VOICEOVER): You
know, I sometimes
wonder if being a
ninja is going to--
-Crystal Bernard Persuasion.
-Cool.
-What a dope.
Keep running!
-Oh, Joe Boston.
He only puts out one
movie every ten years.
Then it's really bad.
-Thank you, Michael Sloan.
-For what?
-I can't believe you.
-I can't understand you.
-I started ten
minutes before you.
And you're not even winded.
-I'm winded.
-From driving.
-You hide it well.
I'm having a heart attack.
-Lower the heart rate.
Drop the respiration.
Slow everything down.
-Make good money at home.
---steps.
-I thought I was in
shape, till I met you.
-It'll come.
-A heart attack?
Any second.
-When you have to run the
four-minute mile, you'll do it.
-You'll be a Henson
rat, like me.
-I don't think
running's my long suit.
I'll stick to wheels.
At least you don't ride bikes.
-Doodly doodly doodly.
I can't believe
I'm riding a bike!
-It's been a long time.
-Since I rock and rolled?
-Get ready to watch
the A's, old fella?
-Huh?
-What?
-I love buddy films.
This is just like
The Last Boy Scout.
-Really?
-It sounds like Chicago
Tansit Authority.
-[HORN NOISES]
ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
-Do not take the green acid.
-Whoo.
ANNOUNCER: --Clearwater
motocross championship race.
Hey look, it's
Francis Ford Coppola.
ANNOUNCER: Beautiful sunny
afternoon here at Clearwater.
We'll have a great
day for racing.
-So I come around the
last turn like I'm flying.
Bam, right across
the finish line--
-Wait a minute.
Where did he get that thing?
-Look, I admire your confidence.
But it for some reason or
another, you should lose.
-Easy money.
Hang on to Henry
for me, will you?
He loves the straightaways,
but he hates the turns.
-Anybody catch what he said?
-Nope.
Not a word.
ANNOUNCER: We've got entrants
from all over the country.
-All over the world!
ANNOUNCER: Max
Keller will be here,
winner of last year's race.
-Boo.
ANNOUNCER: Our own Chad Webster,
Bill Howard, and Carrie Brown,
representing the cannery.
-Uh oh.
Here come the no-goodniks.
-Yep.
-Why me?
Why me all the time?
-Hey look, it's Malcolm X.
-Oh, I don't think so.
-Got a problem, pal?
-Yeah, man.
I don't like your face.
-Yeah, well you're a jerk.
-Good one.
-Wanna keep all those teeth?
-Check out, Jack.
-Max.
-Stay out of this.
I can handle it.
-It's Meat Loaf.
-Rearranging that mug of
yours might be a challenge.
-D'oh.
-Damn.
I just injected him
with blowfish poison.
-Old Max Keller.
-Still seeing that gerbil?
-How you doing?
Thought you retired.
-I couldn't do that, brother.
Besides, busting up
towns ain't cool anymore.
-They must have gone to
speech, class together.
-I would find you here.
You any better with
that bike of yours now?
-I always beat you, didn't I?
Hey, Hog, this the
Ma-- uh, McAllister.
-Uh, this is my elderly
gentleman friend.
-Best biker around.
-My.
So why do they call you Hog?
-You better just watch.
MCALLISTER: That's good advice.
-Ebony at ivory.
-Hm.
-Hey, I got walnuts in there.
[ENGINE NOISE]
-He's starting up
the guy's hand.
-That thing hasn't
worked in years.
Thank you.
-Good night.
-Yeah, thanks.
See you later, Hog.
-Uh, nice meeting
you, Mr. Pig, was it?
Oh, Hog.
That's it.
-Brrrrrrrm
-Well, nice company you keep.
-Ah, he's a pussycat.
What'd you do to him anyway?
-Oh, just being friendly.
-Hope he can still
hold the handlebar.
-Well, see you for the
champagne at the finish line.
-Um, pick up some
cedar chips for Muffy.
-Hey, easy on the gerbil, Lee.
Hey, whoa.
-Things are not
what they seem, Lee.
ANNOUNCER: Big crowd today.
We appreciate that, folks.
Always great to see you.
-Uh, believe me, it's
really a big crowd.
ANNOUNCER: Going to be a
lot of fun out here today.
You're going to see
some great bike racing.
-Hi.
-Looks like the camera
lost interest in Timothy.
-I can see that.
-What do you want?
-Isn't that the kid
who won last year?
-I don't remember.
-I know him
-Well, tell him.
I'm not interested.
-You are so tough.
-Familiar.
-You know, one of these
days, that mouth of yours
is going to get you
in a lot of trouble.
I--
-And you what?
Take a walk, Webster.
-Listen,--
-It's on the tip of my tongue.
-This race track is one place
in this town you don't own.
-It's Scott Hamilton!
That's who it is!
-Out here, you've got to
beat me fair and square.
-Ooh, she's a little spitfire.
-Grr.
-Unless, of course,
you're too gutless
to try without your daddy's
money to back you up.
-D'oh!
-Pearl drops.
Mmm.
-It's a Ren Fest.
-Mmm.
ANNOUNCER: Just a
few more seconds
before the gun goes off.
All jockeying for position.
-[ENGINE NOISES WITH MOUTH]
-They all look so good.
[ENGINE NOISE]
-[ENGINE NOISES WITH MOUTH]
ANNOUNCER: There's the gun.
And they're off.
-Go Charlie Brown, Go!
ANNOUNCER: But Max Keller
is right behind him.
And I can see Big Jim Stevenson.
-Big Jim Seaborn?
ANNOUNCER: With friends.
And enemies.
Number 11.
And there's Carrie Brown,
coming up fast on the inside.
-And there's Linda Ronstadt
behind him on roller skates!
ANNOUNCER: Uh oh.
Uh oh, there's a pile-up.
Doesn't look as
if anybody's hurt.
-Well, we can dream, can't we?
ANNOUNCER: Racing
can be pretty rough.
-Nice PA.
-William Katt, Freddy Mercury.
-Oh.
ANNOUNCER: Nine to ten
racers have pulled away now.
They leave the pack
behind in a cloud of dust.
It's going to be a close finish.
-Here's my favorite.
ANNOUNCER: Carrie
Brown, still the leader.
-Nothing like enjoying nature
on a screaming crotch rocket.
-Mhm.
-Oof.
-Looks like Tony Scott directed.
-This week on "Then
Came Bronson."
ANNOUNCER: Here they are!
-Hey, he's breaking
into somebody's van.
ANNOUNCER: Max Keller and
Carrie Brown all the way.
They cross the finish line.
-Here they come.
-Oof.
-Oof.
-Oh!
Human speedbump.
-Ooh.
-Hey.
You all right?
What's the matter with that guy?
-I'm alive.
-She lives!
She lives!
Hoo-hoo!
-Yay.
-Max, I lost the hamster.
-Is she OK?
-OK?
Yeah, she's OK.
She won the race.
-Even Ali lost a few.
-Yeah, but never to a
girl with a shag haircut.
Well, OK, once.
-Thanks!
-Nice race.
Never lost it before.
-Can I carry your bike home?
-Well, I have.
-Shame about your bike.
Guys play rough around here.
-Yeah, I know.
-Ooh.
-You're pretty good.
You almost beat me.
-D'oh!
-That was the idea.
-So, uh, how about a
little victory party?
-I got a gerbil.
-At least dinner.
-Well, um, I have to work
the early shift tomorrow.
And I don't even know you.
-So OK.
-You don't have
to buy me dinner.
-I was thinking you might buy.
-Oh.
-Ooh.
-I mean, you won
all my prize money.
-I'll think it over.
-Uh, gee, that could
have gone better.
Well, I didn't want her anyway,
-I'm not used to seeing
them walk away from you.
-Usually they run, screaming.
-Lose one, you lose another.
-D'oh.
-Good looking girl,
though, isn't she?
Or does your ninja discipline
make you immune to such things?
-There are certain yearnings
one does not want to overcome.
-Besides, I took a shuriken
wheel in the whipper, once.
-Ow.
-Come on, Boss.
-Oh, is there going
to be a boat race?
-It's a secret meeting
of all those people
who want this show canceled.
-Oh, grab a leaflet, please.
-"F.I.S.T." with
Sylvester Stallone.
-Grab a leaflet, please.
Union meeting tomorrow.
Don't forget.
-Oh, uh, it's a
Clifford Odets play.
-No, a Tom Bodett play.
-Oh.
-Huh?
-Huh?
-Hey.
-Still at it, huh, Carrie?
-I don't quit, Harold.
-Ossie Davis?
-Here, have a leaflet.
-Hey, Pippi Longstocking.
-Another meeting?
You bet.
-Tomorrow afternoon.
And the-- we're
counting on you, Amy.
We just need a few
more signatures.
-Sure, sure.
-When are you going to let
me take you dancing, Carrie?
-When "Welcome Back
Kotter" is canceled.
-Heh.
-You sign this petition,
we'll talk about it.
-All right.
-Come on, Max.
I know she rejected you,
but we've got to try again.
-Well, this is it.
Clearwater cannery.
-Sure is dirty.
-Nerve center of the
city, such as it is.
WORKER: Bring it over here.
-Hey don't you ever say please?
-You know, if I hadn't lost
that race, we wouldn't be broke.
-Max.
-So I figured I could pick
up a couple of days work here
and put us back on schedule.
-Max.
-Don't we know that box?
WORKER: Bring it down.
-Hmm.
-That does it, Flintstone!
-Uh oh.
-Right on my head, that's it.
-No!
-I think they may just be
too dumb to organize a union.
-Yeah.
-Who killed my sister?
Hee hee hee.
-Sorry, it's my first day.
-Let's see.
Won this in the claw
machine at the carnival.
That'll work.
-The right tool for
the right job, Lee.
-Stan Lee.
Heh.
-Oh, my rheumatism.
-Whoa.
-Oh, excellent, Master Dipstick.
That's $50,000 worth
of merchandise, Lee.
-Listen, thanks a
lot for your help.
I appreciate it.
-Oh, forget it.
When'd they issue this
equipment they're using?
During the Depression?
-Ha ha.
It's great we can joke about it
now that his hips are crushed.
-It's not in their interests.
-Ugh.
Agh!
Ahh!
Don't move me off!
[SCREAMING]
-Hey, it's Chico Marx.
-Oh.
-Hey, there's Lucy.
-Ah, Ricky, I got ptomaine.
Ahh.
-Everybody works here.
-Does the President work here?
-Dinner tonight?
-OK.
Um, why don't you meet me
at the Seaside Shanty--
-What are these,
tongue-twisters?
Are you making fun of me?
-Do you think you can find it?
-Heh heh.
-I'll see you later.
-Wilford Brimley, safecracker.
-Did they tell you what
happened out there?
-Hm?
-You nearly got Joe
Henderson killed.
-You!
-Rotting equipment.
-Now, Carrie--
-Yeah, now's right.
Now we're going to do something.
-I am the Walrus.
Uh, I think.
Yeah.
-He's too old.
There are plenty of
other jobs he can do.
Not that one.
-Look, his chin's acting.
-What has to happen
around here before someone
takes an interest.
When we get a union--
-I told you.
You'd better drop
that union talk.
It's just going to get you
more trouble than you want.
-Like it did my brother?
-Oh, sorry.
My heart blew up again.
- --about your brother being
done in by the cannery.
Grow up, Carrie.
-Dad?
Uh, oh.
-He split.
-Another guy.
-No more.
No less.
What'd you expect?
The doctor get working
on the line here?
Well, I remember when you
were working on the line.
So don't play that with me.
You're not that smart.
But I am.
-Who?
-And most of them's
going on around here.
And when I found
out what it is, I
bet it's going to lead me
right back here to you.
-She's got a Landers
Sister quality.
-Mhm.
-Don't even think about it.
-Guess she won't get
her Christmas ham.
-We are not putting
up with this.
This is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard.
-Ralph, I told you before,
I want that girl fired.
-You think I don't want
her out of my hair?
You listen to me, Chad Webster.
You've got a couple
of things to learn
about running this cannery.
-[BURP]
-And since your dad ain't
around to tell you, I will.
We fire Kerry Brown, and
you won't get anybody
in this town to work here.
Nobody!
They love that girl.
-I'm telling you, the next
time she causes trouble.
The very next time.
-Bet I could eat that guy.
Yep.
I know it.
Positive.
-All right.
No-Tell Motel.
-Good looking, too.
-Hey, look.
He's shaving his one hair.
-You sure took care
of that accident down
by the wharf today, didn't you?
-I think he cut through his
vocal cords or something.
-Sounds like it.
-Just flip that little
gadget, and Bam!
The whole thing
goes into the drink.
-Boy, that Gideon
writes a good novel.
-Huh.
-I'm the floor in an
adult movie theater.
-An older guy like
that shouldn't
have to work that hard labor.
-What, did Lee snap a
cyanide capsule in his mouth?
- --centuries, right?
So, say, what time is it?
-Can I wear some
of your clothes?
-I am so fine.
-What's the matter?
The bed too comfortable for you?
You all right?
Dear God, don't do this.
-Hey, sounds like
a Resusci-Annie.
-Looks like a Resu--
-Whatever happened to--
-Baby Jane?
-"It's time to get up"?
-What happened to you?
I thought you had
a heart attack.
-I was still.
-You stopped breathing.
You have to breathe.
-The heartbeat, like everything
else, can be controlled.
I just slowed it down.
-Slowed it down?
You stopped it.
-Go all the way, next time.
-Only in appearance.
The same technique that allows
a Zulu warrior to change
a running gazelle for 50 miles--
-On a pogo stick.
-And still have the
strength for the kill.
-Swell.
I believe you can do it, OK?
Just don't do it again.
You scared the hell out of me.
-It's OK.
-Ah, that was nice.
-We've got to go.
-I see you're ready to go.
-This one stings.
-I think I am.
-Oh.
-Well, since today's
movie features
Timothy Van Patten's rocking
custom van predominantly
in the movie, we thought it
would be fun for the robots
to get some pens
and pencils and make
their versions of their
favorite '70s machines OK?
[CHEERING]
-So this one's Gypsy.
You want to tell
everybody about it?
-Do it, Gyps.
-This is mine.
It has a mural of "Voyage
to the Bottom of the Sea."
-Hey Joel, looks like a
lunchbox you used to have.
TOM SERVO: Yeah.
JOEL: OK, you want to
show the inside, too?
GYPSY: And on the inside are 150
Richard Basehart ventriloquist
dummies, stacked like cordwood.
TOM SERVO: Shades of Jame Gumb.
JOEL: Jeepers.
OK, well, this one
looks like yours, Tom.
-Yeah, yeah, that's mine.
My-- mines next.
Well, the exterior
of my van would
be based on the work of fantasy
illustrator Frank Frazetta,
custom-painted at Vantastic
Studios in Lake Geneva,
Wisconsin, and insured
for over $1,200.
Then the interior--
show them the interior--
it's really cool.
It would be painted just like
the Sistine Chapel inside,
only it'd be real
dirty, you know.
Plus it'd have a waterbed
and a fireplace slash bar.
And an in-dash lotion dispenser.
And if I dented it up, I'd spend
six weeks in the shop class,
or at Harv's Speed
Shop, that's what
we used to call it
when I was there.
And we'd just sand it
and put Bondo on it.
And I wouldn't go to
any of the classes,
and at lunch, Clem an I would
get in the-- get in the van,
leave campus, go downtown,
and have a beer at the Shire.
Yeah.
It would be really cool.
Heh.
Whoo.
-OK.
And this next one's, uh, Crow's.
CROW: Well, my van would
have an ergonomically design
desk and chair, plus a shelf
for all my reference material.
And my computer.
And a good reliable
reading lamp.
And I'd pack an extra
pair of glasses,
and some sensible
shoes, and a cooler
full of ice cold Coke, Diet
Coke, and ice cold mineral
water.
JOEL: Uh huh.
And what about the
exterior there?
CROW: Uh, I'd have
Ed "Big Daddy"
Don Roth do a mural of me
with my eyes popping out
with my tongue dragging.
And big old gnarled
hand on the giant stick
shift putting in six.
And the side of machine would
read like it was in blood,
"The Van Die."
-Yeah!
Whoo, yeah.
-Oh, I don't think so.
We've got Commercial Sign.
-Aw.
-Aw.
MAX (VOICEOVER): So I found
MAX (VOICEOVER): So I found
-It's Ed "Big Daddy" Roth, Crow.
-Oh.
MAX (VOICEOVER): I've
learned my lesson.
-Mine was very good.
-Wisconsin?
MAX (VOICEOVER): Not leaving
this bar through the window.
-That is one good
looking union organizer.
-Hi, Sandy.
-Hi.
-Hey.
Sandy.
I don't want you serving Carrie.
-Why not?
-Because I said so.
I don't want you serving her.
-Chad, what's the problem?
-Want to lose your job?
Do what I told you.
-OK.
-Evening, everybody.
-Norm!
-I thought you didn't drink.
-I don't break up dates, either.
Unless she gets to
be too much for you.
-That's brave talk from a man
whose heart almost stopped.
-It didn't stop.
It slowed down.
-Hey, look on the wall.
It's Milton Berle's
netted slingshot briefs.
-Oh.
-I'm here.
-Is this your card?
-Yeah, I'm here.
Oh, Max, a long day.
-I hear ya.
-You're a wry wit.
-Aren't these people phony?
-You guys passing through?
-You talking to me?
-What's it look like?
-Well, you do have
that funny eye.
-You and the hotshot
kid over there.
Now that he's lost the race, I
guess you'll be leaving town.
-What's it to you?
-Drives the plot.
-Well, this is a
tight community.
We take care of our town.
-I don't think the lady wants
you to take care of her.
-That's why the lady is a tramp.
-You got a hearing problem?
-My hearing is excellent.
-Because I have
the Whisper 2000.
-Move it or lose it.
-I haven't heard that
since grade school.
-You just be sure lover boy
is on his way out of town.
-I love that band.
-Yeah!
-I'll deliver the message.
-You do that.
-Can I have a quarter?
-You got a light?
-Yeah, my butt and your fa-- oh.
Oh, that's not great.
-Flame on!
-Oh.
Must've had it
turned up too high.
-What is that?
A cigarette lighter
or a flamethrower?
-It's a cigarette lighter
and a flamethrower.
-Be seeing you.
-Yeah, right.
In all the old familiar places.
-Uh, let's order.
Is this still on you?
-You bet.
-See some menus, please?
Sure.
-Do what you-- can we have some
more lighting over here, too?
-Excuse me.
You didn't get the lady a menu.
-I can't her.
-Sandy.
-What do you mean,
you can't serve her?
-She's off the menu.
-Don't start any trouble.
-Well, how about if I do?
-Ooh.
-I just decided
dinner's on me tonight.
-Say!
-And I'm really hungry.
-Hm.
Come from a long
line of big eaters.
-Heh heh.
-Uh, you like seafood?
-You bet.
-Halibut?
-Yeah.
-Me too.
-Yeah.
-Me too.
-Me too.
-Seafood.
-Me too.
-Seafood.
-Two halibuts.
I'm really hungry.
Two baked potatoes.
-Wow.
MAX: Sour cream and chives?
Only on one.
-Yeah, Tim.
Go, man.
Order, buddy.
Rave on.
-And, um to finish it off, I'll
have a couple of apple pies
with ice cream on the top.
-Yeah!
-And a pot of coffee.
That should just about do me--
-And, uh, two hard-boiled eggs.
[HONK]
-Make that three
hard-boiled eggs.
-Oh.
Now you can't serve me either.
-Look, Carrie, it's not me.
I--
-Uh oh.
It's Dave Lennox.
-It looks like Annie Lennox.
Heh.
-Heh.
Heh.
-Heh.
-Heh.
-Nah.
-Heh.
-Nah.
-Maybe you ought to
order someplace else.
-Then I won't be
eating all of this.
-Uh, we have busboys for that.
-We're famous for our chops.
-Give me a breadbasket.
-Yeah?
Well, how's your punch?
-Hee!
-Tim, this is for the
seafood lover in you.
Ha!
-Ooh.
-What a loser.
-Hm.
What a loser.
-I've got to break
myself of this habit.
-That's our Max!
-This is just like "Hooper."
-Yeah.
Or, uh, Kenny Rogers
in "Six Pack."
-Or "E. T."
Oh, wait.
-Hold on.
-Hey, I'm on the phone
to the coast here.
-OK, half pepperoni,
half mushroom.
-Go get her.
-Hi, you come here often?
Uh, wait.
-Whoo.
-Oh, it must have
hit a springboard.
-Grandpa Ninja saves the day.
-Oh, what is he, Obi
fricking Wan Kenobi?
-Ooh.
CARRIE: Well, my brother worked
at the cannery for four years.
-My brother lives in Florida.
- --a lot of trouble.
And then he just disappeared.
But see, that's not
in character at all.
-Gerbil check.
Not for someone who--
who cared enough to raise
me alone all those years.
-[SNORING]
-My parents were
killed in an accident.
-That's nice
-My brother was just
that close to putting
a union in that cannery.
-Then he became the
president of Poland.
-I know that this must
sound real crazy to y'all--
-But I eat light bulbs.
-If y'all know what a hold that
Chad Webster has on this town.
-You're saying Webster
killed your brother?
-Emmanuel Lewis
killed her brother?
-Take a left right here.
-Did you go to the police?
-Yeah.
But just-- there's
just no proof.
-Hm.
-Just a lot of things that
don't add up to anything else.
-Oh, trigonometry, of course.
- --persons report.
-And I filed my nails.
- --that.
-How many others?
-Four.
They'd all been working
at the cannery for years,
all friends of my brothers,
all troublemakers.
-And they're all here
tonight on "Tattletales"!
-One day, gone.
Greener pastures.
-Uh, what'd you say?
I was thinking about my tongue.
- --that they didn't just leave.
-You know you're boring when
you're boring a Van Patten.
Yeah.
-Not yet, anyway.
-Uh, you want to pop in a tape?
-This is-- the house
is on the left.
-Just keep saying to
yourself, it's only a movie.
-Last house on the left.
-Oh, just, uh, just park in
the middle of the street,
and, uh, leave the lights on.
No problem.
-We deliver union
organizers overnight.
-I'm free!
-Thank you.
-Are you sure there's
nothing we could do to help?
-No, there's nothing you can do.
But thank you.
Good night.
-Night.
-Tim, you're an idiot.
-Now that's some lady, huh?
-No, that's my wife.
-Too bad we can't help her.
-Listen, pal, if you think I'm
walking away from her, Webster,
the cannery, or
this town, you're--
-You're absolutely right.
Let's get out of here.
-Guess you figured
that out already, huh?
-We've been told
to get out of town.
-By who?
-Try a guess.
-Webster?
-Good guess.
-Noah Webster?
-We're not leaving.
Nobody's running me out of town.
-[MOCKING NOISES]
-We're not leaving.
Figure something out.
-That's what I was afraid of.
-[TIMPANI NOISE]
-Good morning, how are you?
Denise, Carol.
-Thank you for flying Northwest.
Enjoy your stay in Fargo.
-Dan, how's that baby?
-Haven't had it yet.
-Annie, what's going on here?
Nobody's talking to me.
-Susan Sarandon.
Hmm.
-Boss says you're
trouble, Carrie.
No one wants to be
caught speaking to you.
-Oh,are they going to
sing "Matchmaker" now?
-Looks like it.
-I'm really sorry.
-Looks like it.
-I'm really sorry.
-But you're going to the
meeting this afternoon.
-But you're going to the
meeting this afternoon.
-Oh, you're going
to that meeting.
-Not with us.
-Hi, Frodo.
Hi, Axl.
Hi, Divine.
-It's really good today.
-Mhm.
-Nummy.
-What's weird is that
this is a Chrysler plant.
I don't know what all
this meat is doing--
-Hey, Huey Lewis.
-And a whole pie.
Uh, uh, want anything?
-I don't need to tell you what
happened last night, do I?
Carrie Brown is more
trouble than her brother.
And I can't afford to
waste any more time on her.
-The lights are on,
but Fatty's not home.
- --about this town.
-I know she's a problem.
But I think--
-Don't start
thinking, Bill Carter.
-I wouldn't worry about that.
-I'm telling you,
there's something
weird about this old man
she's been talking to.
He makes me nervous.
And the kid is troublemaker.
But if Carrie
Brown isn't around,
then there's no trail
for them to follow.
-Is this a limerick?
-And they just drift
on to the next town.
-Like the [INAUDIBLE]
-Jake, you can't
start something like--
-I'm not starting--
-Hooker's a good cop!
-I'm just finishing
what has to be done.
-Give me a kiss.
-There's nothing for
you to think about.
-Well, uh, what about lunch?
You going to hang
around for that pizza?
-Just make sure you're
available tonight.
-He asked me!
I'll wear that
strapless Ed Asner.
-He's going to blow!
Look out!
-Grantsburg, Wisconsin.
Workers chafing under the
spiked heel of capitalism.
-Carrie.
Carrie.
-I had the seafood plate.
-Spinning your wheels.
My wheels.
Let me spin them.
-Hm?
-There's got to be
some way to help you.
-Max, these people
won't even talk to me.
They say I'm trouble.
-Maxi Priest?
-There's supposed to be
a meeting this afternoon.
But I'll be sitting alone.
-Oh yeah?
What kind of meeting?
-A union meeting.
-Oh, they going to have cookies?
-Meeting.
Or any union.
Get out of my cannery.
-So you're canning her.
-D'oh!
-How ironic.
-You want to take a
vote on that, Webster?
-Uh, Max, this is a cannery.
-You've got a lot of
people working here.
I'd say they outvote you 100--
-(SINGING) "Look for
the union label."
Come on, everybody.
Come on, Pete Seeger, come on.
Weavers, join in.
Come on, Woody.
-Can't stop people from
meeting and talking.
-I told you to get out.
-Throw me out.
-Ooh.
-Loud talk doesn't scare anyone.
-Old Black Eyes is back.
-You should attend.
It's your future, too.
-My hero.
-Mine too.
-Now I know that none of what
I've said this afternoon is--
-Oh, she's an Alpha Omega.
We hate them.
-Goodness, most of y'all have
been working here much longer
than I have.
Your mothers and your
fathers worked here.
-Dominus vobiscum, everyone.
-But now we have
to make a change.
To make a life for us.
For your kids.
Now I've got a petition
here for the union.
And I need 40 more signatures.
So let's see a show of hands.
-I lost my hand
in a fish chopper.
-Hm.
-Heh heh heh.
-Studs Terkel, not working.
-All this?
Huh, Carrie?
-Charlie.
-Um.
-I have heard the stories
of the Thugee cult.
-I can't afford to
give up one day's pay.
Let alone, paycheck.
None of us can.
-Howard Johnson's right!
-[MURMURING]
-You know where my
family's at, Carrie.
-At the trailer park
at the edge of town.
-Till Bill gets his health back.
-Delta Burke?
-I tried applying for a
job at your cannery today.
Couldn't get in.
-I had no marketable skills.
-I'm not surprised, though.
Working conditions
there are so great.
-Anybody "umberstand" him?
-How much? $300?
-Hey, he's doing stand-up.
He's working the crowd.
-Looking forward to your
children going to college?
Because it's not going
to be easy on the salary
you're making.
But when the cost-of-living
increases come in every year,
that'll make things
a whole lot easier.
I don't know why
Carrie's bothering
to rock the boat for you people.
You're doing just fine.
-He's speaking in tongues.
-You get paid what
they want to give you.
You work the hours
they tell you.
You clock in and punch
out right on time.
Their time!
-Hey, time is truly a
subjective phenomenon, Tim.
-Carrie's waiting
for a show of hands.
She isn't going to get one.
-Should we have a silent vote?
-Big Brother isn't watching you.
He's got you right
in his hip pocket.
-Huh.
-Well, I don't have
a problem with that.
-If you ask me,
you're all getting
exactly what you deserve.
-We didn't ask.
-Now everyone, take
out your hymnal.
[APPLAUSE]
-I'll sign.
-You're fired.
-I'll sign.
-You're fired.
-You're fired.
-You're fired, too.
-We feel confident, Secure.
-Attica!
Attica!
Attica!
Attica!
-Mmm, Tahitian Treat.
Hope the meeting
didn't start yet.
Boy, it's cold.
[BURP]
-Oh, yahtzee.
Oh, hi.
What's up, gang?
-You took the last
Tahitian Treat, old man.
-Jimmy Carl Black.
-No, it's Shawn Phillips.
And Tim Robbins.
CHAD: Just been to church.
Your young friend
missed his vocation.
Should've been an evangelist.
-Too much like acting.
-He does have a way with words.
-Uh, not in the
right order, but--
CHAD: Or you.
You're leaving Clearwater.
-You're very nosy, kitty cat.
You know what we
do to nosy people?
-You're not going to get
out of this one, pal.
-Ho!
-Thank you,
crotch-rocketed friend.
-Don't forget to say [INAUDIBLE]
-OK, we'll just follow
you to the party, then.
-How long since you've
been on one of these?
-Long time.
Feels good.
-Must be the new seat covers.
They hit Mr. Bubble!
-Oh no.
-I don't know if
you're going to enjoy
the experience all that much.
-Lean into it.
-Hold on!
-Sunday, at Great Lakes Dragaway
in Union Grove, Wisconsin!
-Mighty Mikes, with
action traction.
-Lean into it.
-A garden weasel!
-Ooh.
Where did he have that?
-Hi-Keeba.
Huzzah.
-He's off the ramp.
-What ramp?
-Hair blowing in the wind.
My colon.
-Oh, I saw that in
a Mapplethorpe film.
-D'oh!
-Um, why don't they
just turn right?
-Oh, I'll harm you.
-Hey.
Hey, I just wanted to tell
you you got a tail light out.
Gee,
-He's got a licorice whip.
-Mmm.
-Yippee-yi-ay, tie-ay, cowboy!
-Tay.
-Where'd you learn that one?
-Motorcycle school.
-You're cute.
-That'll happen.
-Yeah.
-Where's Carrie?
-At a union meeting.
We'd better get to her tonight.
-It's potluck.
We've got to bring a dish.
-Lee?
Oh, Lee.
-Lee.
-Here, boy.
-Oh, couldn't you
stay in the van?
MAX (VOICEOVER): We were right.
-Carrie?
Carrie, it's Max.
-It's a medieval house.
Ooh.
-They varnished my house.
-You all right?
What's happened?
-I found it like this
when I came home.
-They disconnected cable and
hooked up my stereo all wrong.
-They've torn the place apart.
-Nice flat.
Apartment, I mean.
-It's going to be OK.
We won't let them get you.
-Hey look, Ignatz was here.
-Huh.
-Oh, Bil Keane
ransacked the apartment.
-Oh.
-Or Billy did it.
-Billy did it.
-I know they killed my brother.
And now they're after me.
-How about a little
sugar for grandpa?
-Nobody can harm you.
Leave it to us.
-Oh.
-Well, that's--
what do we do now?
-Big, brave girl.
-Well, brave, anyway.
-I stir everything up
and I can't handle it.
-They've warned you, OK?
Now it's up to us.
We're going to nail
Webster for good.
You just sit tight.
They won't be back.
But we will.
-We won't let the seniors
beat up on you anymore, Honey.
-Ooh.
-Ecch.
-You kiss better
than the union boss.
-Oh!
-Oh.
Dr. Pepper lip gloss.
Mm.
-Um.
-He's not getting back in.
-"Then Came Bronson,"
the van years.
MAX: We could go to the police.
-And tell them what?
-That Webster tried to
-[MOCKING NOISES]
-Hm?
-Then where's the proof?
Webster and all
those cannery workers
will have an alibi
for this afternoon.
-Gotta find something on him.
-If what Carrie says is true,
if they did kill her brother,
most people don't
cover their tracks
as well as they think they do.
-They should wear
long-sleeved shirts.
-Yeah.
-When?
-Tonight.
-Tonight?
Aw, I was going to
watch my dad's show.
-Glaucoma theater.
-Ooh.
Oh.
There.
-Yeah.
Looks like the set
for Graffiti Bridge.
-Oh.
Oh, I think it's a
Janet Jackson video.
Yeah, uh, "Rhythm Nation."
Mhm.
-[BEATBOXING]
-Uh, Lee, I-- I don't think
you're invisible, you know?
-Oh, swell.
-Huh?
Wait, he just climbed
into the basement.
What's going on.
-Hey.
-Ow! $4 an hour for this crap.
-Yeah.
-Too easy.
-Uh oh.
You would have to climb into
a security guard warehouse.
-Well, thanks for the help, Lee.
-I stopped for a Heath bar.
Want a bite?
-Hmm.
Let's see.
Where are we in the
script now, Tim?
-They're selling
fake term papers!
-D'oh!
-Found something.
Look at this.
Names.
Lists of names.
-Let's see here.
Bag of quicklime, three-foot
grave, red marker.
Murdered at Old Point!
-And that's the date
that he disappeared.
-Hm.
-Old Point.
Whatever that is.
-It's a beer, isn't it?
Or something?
-Coroner's involved, too.
-Time to go.
-Decided to protect himself.
-By hiding his emotions.
-You know, I'll bet
Webster doesn't even
know about these files.
-Let's get them over to
the Sheriff's office.
-Hey hold it steady there, Gyps.
Come on.
-Atten-hut!
General Van Patten!
-Be seated.
Now I want you to remember
that no "babbisterb" ever
"wub" a war by "dibbing"
for his "cubbity."
He won it by making the other
poor dumb "babbisterb" "dib"
"por" "ibs" "cubbity."
-Oh, we got Movie Sign!
-You whacked me with
your riding crop, Crow.
-Ah, you love it.
You know you do.
-Mister Webster?
Zalid Kerry.
We've had a break-in.
-Uh, they were
dressed as plumbers.
Nah, the young kid.
The one that's been
hanging around here.
-Van Patten something or other.
-Hey.
-Oh no, not this again.
I thought that Jeep blew up.
-Hi.
You guys going to Rob's party?
Follow us.
-Hey, this looks like the end
of "Easy Rider," doesn't it?
-Good.
-Why don't you get a haircut?
-Uh oh.
-McCloud, you've
wrecked three vans.
Good job.
-Hey, he didn't even
go through the window.
-Huh.
-I'm the guy with
a snake on my face.
-What's this?
The end of "Master Ninja"?
Tune in tomorrow, same ninja
time, same ninja station.
-Huh huh.
Let's dress him funny.
Oh, he already is.
Hey, Tim's making a dirt angel.
-I'm Max Keller.
I used to be able to walk.
-Is it curtains for Van Patten?
-He's dead.
-You've killed him.
Hail Dorothy.
-I could speak clearly
now, my brain is gone.
-Mendoza!
-Hey, Tim, don't
boot on the hood.
It'll take the wax off.
-Yes, it's the sporty Cutlass
Supreme, wide tracking Pontiac.
[COUGHING]
-My dad's going to kill me.
-Pull!
-Let him go.
Let him go.
-Yeah, nothing worse than
a cornered Van Patten.
-Mhm.
-They'll climb you.
-Pick him up later.
No place in this county he can
go that I won't hear about.
-Yeah, what about
Carrie's place?
-Maybe.
-Well, he'll come up empty.
Because the little
lady won't be there.
-Big hand for the little lady.
-First, put the body in the car.
-Sorry, boss.
My first caper.
-Take him to the Old Point.
Meet us there.
After you pick up the girl.
-Before you put your
coats on the top peg.
-Wait a minute.
-You said we'd
have dinner first.
-[BURP]
-Bad enough one man is dead.
You can't hurt that girl.
They'll find--
-They'll find nothing.
Ain't no bodies.
Two transients moved on.
-You're starting to
look delicious, boss.
-Headstrong girl that
couldn't take any longer.
She left town.
-No.
I won't be part of this.
-Carter, you've been a
part of it since the day
you decided that
comfortable job of yours
was more important that
telling the police what
happened to Carrie's brother.
-I'm sorry.
I was thinking about pork chops.
-Understand?
-I'm so hungry. [CRIES]
-Yes.
-Jeep.
-The Wizard's not in.
-And that's one.
-Come on, Max.
Four-minute mile.
Could stay the
course or beat them.
-[MOCKING NOISES]
-Could strain a course of bacon?
-No pain.
Outside yourself.
-What?
-When fighting go?
-What she said.
-My peach is dipped in sawd--
what-- what is he saying?
-The mediocrity of the
long-distance runner.
-Oh no, it's Jim Fixx!
Oh.
Sorry.
Bad joke.
-You know, his brother
was the bionic boy.
-Oh yeah.
That was cool.
-Carrie.
-Trick or treat for UNICEF.
-Max.
-Oh, you're sweaty.
A sweaty Van Patten.
-We've got to get out
of here right now.
Webster's on his way
over here with his pals.
I'm going to the police.
-Well, where's--
-Dead.
Come on!
-Wait.
Wait.
I need my lip gloss.
-Uh oh.
-Uh, you know how to
whistle, don't you?
-Get in the car.
-Oh, they pick up and deliver.
-Get in the car.
-Gee, thanks There's
some guys following us,
and it'd really be great if--oh.
Wait.
-Chic jeans
-OK, everybody in?
Good.
-The Steven King book club.
-How do you like
our little film?
Something seems a little fishy.
[CACKLES]
-Kill him.
-Are those Skylon Air Max?
I thought so.
-Charles Moffett feared not.
Puma?
-Alas, poor Yorick.
I knew him.
-Hey, you plant your
ninjas in the late fall.
-Huh.
-I don't know.
Three, 3 1/2 feet.
Throw him in.
-Oh, they're doing
"Blood Simple."
-Webster, you--
-Thesaurus!
-Patience, pal.
Your moment's coming.
And hers.
-Hm.
-Yeah.
Like you did for my brother?
-Mhm.
Pretty much.
-Two more, just like this one.
Unmarked.
[COUGHING]
-Hey, careful with that.
-They don't use it anymore.
No caretaker, no maintenance.
-No tears and no
hearts breaking.
No remorse.
-Now I got it, Webster.
It's been really bothering me.
-It was you behind
the dictionary capers.
-Ah!
-It's not just that you run
the cannery the way you want.
No flak, no union.
No.
-No tears, no--
-That's not enough
kill people for.
There's another reason.
-What would that be?
-You get off on it.
It's a thrill, a kick.
-Hm.
-Kicks!
-The power you have.
Life and death.
[COUGHING]
-It's a tough act to top.
-What I feel and
what I think isn't
going to matter to you
much longer, Keller.
Any more than it does--
-Hey, hey!
More dirt in the hole,
less on my shoes.
-Or you, Carter,
-Me?
-Didn't I tell you, Carter?
After 35 years of
keeping your nose clean
and looking the other
way, this is what you get.
-I'm not dead yet.
-Uh oh.
-Dirt man.
In color.
-I hope he doesn't
soil his ninja robes.
[CACKLING]
-Terrible.
Ooh.
Have you learned
the plot? [CACKLING]
-Stop it.
-Enjoy.
-Stop it.
-I feel so dirty.
-I'll just be by the
tree, looking cute.
-Oof.
Oof.
-That's the sound
of cardboard boxes.
-Oh no, that's
the Rosetta stone.
Don't, it's-- Oh!
-Rock, paper, scissor.
-Thanks.
-Uh, I was just reaching
for the Snickers bar
in the glove box, boss.
-Hey, Butterball,
that's for Dom DeLuise.
-He's got trouble in spades.
-Yeah.
-Ho ho!
-Don't forget to have
your ninja spayed.
-Hey, he's Little John.
-Well, are you digging
this theme? [CACKLING]
-Stop him.
Stop him.
-Thank you.
-Ooh, right in the keister.
-Kunta Kinte.
-Hit him It's dark.
-No one will know.
-I know.
Lowered heartbeat
to barely a pulse.
Close your door to the senses
like you did in the motel room.
-No, I was really dead, Tim.
I'm the Reanimator.
-On the edge of death.
It can only be
effective once or twice.
More than that--
-It loses its impact.
-Could prove fatal.
-Do it again.
I dare you.
-I'm glad you're alive.
-I prefer it.
-We are good friends, Tim.
-Epilogue, where you always
get to see Lee's gut.
Yep.
And there it is.
You see what I mean?
-When does it happen.
-Oh, about in a week.
But listen.
I want to thank
y'all for proving
something that I believed in.
-You cannot act.
-Sorry about your
brother, Carrie.
-Well, at least I
know for sure, now.
I needed to.
-Sob, sob.
Remorse, remorse.
Well!
-If you still need a job, I
can get you one with the union.
-I'll be in the van with Henry.
-Reading "Of Mice and Men."
-A classy guy.
-He's an idiot.
-I still don't know how you made
those people think he was dead.
-It's a long story, going back--
-Oh, an hour.
-Listen, about that job.
-You're fired.
-Heh heh heh heh.
-I've got to go, Carrie.
-No.
-Oh.
-There's someone we have
to find for the Master.
-The Master?
-My friend.
It's kind of a nickname.
Hey, I'll be back this
way for next year's race.
-You better be.
-Because I'll be
of legal age then.
-Hey.
-Sorry.
-Oh, she tastes like salmon.
-Ooh.
-Hey.
-What are we in the middle of?
-What's this?
-Take my hand.
-I'm a stranger in paradise.
-But there's nothing
wrong with my car!
-Now!
Pull up.
ALICIA: I can't do it.
-Grab hold of the wire.
-We missed something.
-Who's that?
-[MOCKING NOISES]
-OK.
See if you can shake
her loose now, Tim.
Hoo.
-Next week, on "Mannix."
-Hey look, Bud Cort's up
at the top of the cliff,
playing a banjo.
Heh.
-Matt Houston.
In color.
-(SINGING) Those magnificent
men in their flying machines.
-All right.
See that guy down there?
-Jump on him.
-I'm going to drop
you off right by him.
-No, I--
-Ew.
Ew.
I hate him.
Ew.
I hate him.
Ew.
Ew.
-It's going to be OK.
When I tell you
to drop, you drop.
-What in the Sam H-- oh.
MAX (ON RADIO): Look,
going to drop her right by you.
So be ready.
-Timothy Van Patten
is "Sky King."
-Brought to you by Nabisco.
-Coming in.
Drop!
-Well, she is kind of
a blonde bombshell.
It's kind of a stretch.
-Ouch.
-And in an unrelated incident,
a car pulled over today.
More later.
-More better.
-Enjoy Red Wing shoes.
-I like to watch.
-Hey, we lost the sound.
-No, no.
It's--
-Oh, I--
It's--
-Oh, I--
-Oh, I--
-Yeah.
-Oh, I--
-Yeah.
-Hmm.
-You OK?
-I'm fine.
I'm fine.
-Yeah.
-I knew those brakes were gone.
I should have had them fixed.
There's just no time.
I mean, everything's
always too fast.
My whole life's always been--
-I should have dropped you.
-I mean, that last
bend back there,
I didn't even-- I didn't even
think I was going to make it.
-Slow down.
Take a breath.
You're going faster
than the car.
-I will.
I always talk too
fast, especially when
I'm scared half to death.
Who are you?
-Max Keller.
John McAllister.
-Oh, I'm Alicia Clayton,
native of California, freckles,
surfboards, and, uh, fast cars.
-What is this,
"The Dating Game"?
-[HUMS "SPANISH FLEA"]
-We'll take you home.
-Uh, wait a minute.
You saved my life.
And what am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed
to give you for that?
-Oh, just--
-A dollar?
-A dollar.
Good.
A big dollar.
-I have an idea.
-Oh, yes.
-There's a big garden party
this afternoon for family
and friends of the
European Summit.
Will you come?
-I don't think we'd
be on the guest list.
-Uh, we hate Europe.
-My father's Senator Clayton.
He's organizing the party.
-Senator Claghorn?
-Um, uh, do me a favor.
Don't say anything about
the sports car, OK?
I mean, he's had to put
up with added security,
bomb threats, secret
service agents.
All he needs now
is to hear about
a reckless-driving daughter.
4 o'clock.
Oh, and, uh, black tie.
OK?
-OK.
-OK.
-Get in.
-Well, bye.
-D'oh.
-Hey, shoot some of
this action my way.
-Maybe I should have kissed her.
-Would have been a good move.
-Garden party?
-We'll take it.
-Right.
-Do you think Rick
Nelson will be there?
-It's possible.
-Maybe.
Reminiscing.
-Eastern thugs go with flow.
-Ah, what a cliche.
A Japanese guy in a GM car.
-Xanadu, stately home
of Charles Foster Kane.
Cost?
No one can say.
-Looks like a Paul
Klee painting.
-Yeah.
CASTILE: We'll come from
the west, out of the sun.
-He's got a crown on.
CASTILE: Here.
SERENA: Senator Clayton
won't know what hit him.
We'll be ready.
Every man knows what
he's supposed to do.
How many people do
you want killed?
-How many you up for?
-No one.
We'll take what we
came for and out.
-Oh, the military's
wearing Zubaz now.
-Mm.
Neat.
I like.
-Not Sybil Danning, but
an incredible simulation.
-I'll say.
-Your loyalties must
be with the sect.
-Say "Uncle."
-David McCallum.
-My loyalties are to myself.
You know that.
-I can remember--
-Don't remember.
Memories are dangerous
in the wrong hands.
-Remember when you used
to get good work, Dave?
-Castile.
-Serena.
You want liberation for
your people, to free them,
What makes you think
this is the right way?
-Liberate this, David.
-If they don't heed
us, we'll kill them.
-Yeah.
Yeah, you'll kill anyone
who standing in your way,
for the cause.
That's the burden you carry.
I stopped believing in causes.
-Now I just believe in effects.
-For which we pay you
a great deal of money.
-Plus Dental and a 401(k).
-I'll get you what you need.
-Peroxide.
Lots of it.
-It might even work, If you
do exactly as you're told.
-She's Skeletor's sister.
-Look at her.
-Shelly-tor.
-What memories will
hold you back then?
-Well,we could sell
their plasma, maybe.
-- --won't cooperate,
you can kill them.
-Get Noel Harrison to do it.
-Ba-boom.
-Yeah.
MAX (VOICEOVER): It was a
And I figured the worst
that could happen to us
was eating a bad hors
d'oeuvres or drinking
too much champagne, right?
-Right.
MAX (VOICEOVER): Not when
you're with the Master.
-So, more "horse dee ovaries"?
There you go.
-David Eisenhower.
-Hi there.
Hi.
How's it going.
Hi.
-Hello, there.
-Hello.
-Who's winning the Dodger game?
Oh.
-Hi, Amy.
-Alicia, I need to ask you--
-Let me talk to you
in a little bit, OK?
-Kinda looks like Stevie
Nicks in that outfit.
-Yeah, I wouldn't
have recognized her
without a big bottle
of Wild Turkey, though.
-D'oh!
-Oh, left at the altar, huh?
-Ah.
-Good crowd, huh?
-Thank you.
-Told the Senator there'd
be a large attendance.
We could have our
own summit meeting.
-Move your hand or
lose it at the wrist.
-Ooh.
Such a smart mouth for
such a lovely lady.
-Get lost, Palin.
- --tologist.
-When are you going to
give me a break, huh?
-Greasy kid stuff.
-Oily.
Even in a tux.
How do you do it?
SENATOR CLAYTON: Johnny.
-Be good.
-Did you double the security?
-Everything's taken care of--
-Everybody's got two guns, sir.
-Nothing to worry about.
-I like worrying, Senator.
Humor me.
-Get an ulcer.
-Darling, you look stunning.
-Well, thank you, daddy.
-I was just telling
her the same thing.
-Yeah, but in a
sleazy, sexist way.
-Somehow. it just
didn't sound the same.
Excuse me.
-She's digging me big time.
I know it.
-I feel like I'm back
at my high school prom.
-I hope your date was
better looking than me.
-That's a sure bet.
-The longest legs and
the greatest eyes.
-But that's it.
-How about you?
didn't you have a
girl on your arm,
the last time you were
decked out like this?
-V-J Day.
-Nuff said.
-Party on the base, in Honolulu.
We'd never met before.
-Saw her across a
crowded room, huh?
-Something like that.
-Who was she?
-Someone very special.
-She threw on a dashiki
and blew my ninja mind.
-It's your turn.
-I don't think this is
my kind of scene here.
-Well, if she's going
to be too much for you,
why don't you let
experience take over?
-I think there are laws
against that sort of thing.
-She'll talk you to death.
-I'll risk it.
-I need a game plan.
-On the tenth
sentence, kiss her.
-Oh, sure, take advice from
long-time bachelor Lee Van
Cleef.
-Uh, take that "Kick
Me" sign off your butt.
-That's your paper moon, buddy.
-Now you're ready.
-Thanks.
Hey, Alicia.
-I used to be Bond.
James Bond.
Now I'm in movies.
Bad movies.
-Lord Bond.
Not bad.
-Looks like there's a
guy as dull as I am.
-Hm.
-Isn't everyone
in here so phony?
-No thank you.
Could you get me
some fruit juice?
-Yes, sir.
-Thank you.
-Creatures?
-John Peter McAllister.
Well, well.
-That's my name, too.
-Is that still the
name you're using?
-It's as good as any.
-I wouldn't have thought a
Southern California garden
party was quite your style.
-And what style would that be?
-What?
-Austerity.
The dedication.
The discipline.
Of a ninja master.
-Uh, I'm also an Amway salesman.
Go on.
-Of a killer.
-You'll never get rid of that
thought, will you, Mallory?
-Why should I?
-Killer.
Killer.
Killer.
Killer.
-Political assassination.
-Killer.
Paid killers.
-Killer.
-A young man named Okasa.
-O-killer.
-He is no longer my pupil.
-Who's playing him now?
-Now you've taught
him how to kill.
-Killer.
-He doesn't need you anymore.
-Kill.
-Okasa's a good cop.
-Or does he?
-Killer.
-I left that way
of life behind me.
-What are you doing here?
-Networking.
-Killer.
-We were invited, pal.
-Who's the geek?
-A new pupil?
-The name's Max Keller.
-Killer?
- --you were killed in Japan.
-Killer.
-News of my death was
somewhat exaggerated.
-Ooh, Lee Van Cleef
and Mark Twain tonight.
-On the eve of a
European Summit.
-Killer killer killer.
-Just passing through.
-Like I said, pal, we
were invited to a party.
That's all.
-You were the worst James Bond.
-Enjoy it.
-Killer.
-I'll have one of those.
One of those.
He looks good.
A little of that.
-Jeepers, what a femmy ninja.
-Oh.
-This is new.
-Get back in the food line.
-The man in the crowd with
on his hobnail boots!
-Yeah!
-Whee!
-Very interesting.
But cuckoo.
-Hey, look.
Brian Jones is in that pool.
-I was just going to the buffet.
-Move, Miss Clayton.
You're going with us.
-Man, that looks like the
Brady house, doesn't it?
-Come on, Senator.
Let's go.
-Yeah, come on, Senator.
You'll know which
bars are open late.
Heh-hoo!
-Hey, it's an armed
Progressive dinner.
-Those are great.
-Hiya!
-Damn.
Guess I'm not the
only ninja here.
-Whoa.
Two on a star.
-Not good.
-Good night, everyone.
You were enjoyed.
There's more rice in the
fridge if you need it.
Bye.
-Boy, you know,
Malcolm Forbes really
knew how to throw a party.
-Let me tell ya.
-Lighten up.
He was just going to
give you a to-go cup.
Come on!
-Hey, Larry Bird's dad.
-Not with hostages aboard!
-Sandwiches?
-The finger dance, Sir.
-The bullet grazed my hand.
-Oh, he shot a Wacky WallWalker
on the side of that helicopter.
-Oh, how about it?
-OK.
OK.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
-All right.
-Wow.
He's driving an Aston Martin.
No, it's-- it's a--
Martin and Lewis.
A John Astin and Martin Lewis.
-Cool.
-Tetris for Game Boy.
-Yes.
Yes.
MAX (VOICEOVER): Getting
was bad enough.
Then we got arrested.
-Max, you've got to
stop punishing yourself.
There was nothing you could do.
-Now Tim can't get arrested.
-They took her.
Right out of my hands.
Some ninja pupil.
First moment of real danger, and
he folds like a house of cards.
-I was there, too.
All I could do was--
-I can't believe
they actually think
we had something to
do with that raid.
-I can't believe I
ate the whole thing.
-Go with him.
-Edward James Olmos.
Almost.
-Your father, your brother
Vince, and your aunt Joyce
are here to bail you out.
Get out of here.
-McCloud.
-All right, McAllister.
-Alastair?
-I want some answers.
-Mine?
Or the ones you want to hear?
-I can't believe you're
still doing that in your act.
-And here's your watch.
-Nice hot rod.
-Michael, this is KITT.
I need to be on the set
of St. Elsewhere by four.
[CHEERING]
-We love mime.
- --how they got through,
and I want to know quick.
-Is it OK that we're
dressed all the same?
-They saw a person driving--
-You can write that
in your report.
How many hostages were taken?
-10.
All the wives and relatives
of the European delegates.
And Senator Clayton's--
-Ahh.
-Bob, where were you?
-What do you mean, where was I?
Look.
We were surprised.
Now we tried the best we could.
All my men tried.
None of us could get
a clean shot at him.
-Did we overdress
for this briefing?
- --from the kidnappers?
-There's nothing yet, Senator.
-You've blanketed the area?
-In about four minutes.
-Bob.
-I didn't want Ted
Turner to hear this,
but he wants to colorize
"The Second Hundred
Years," What do you think?
-You know, in a couple of
years, this whole thing's
going to be replaced
by a desktop.
-I don't think it was Carlos.
And it's not Keljin.
-But it started with a K.
-In and out.
Varied personnel.
-Know what I mean?
-And nobody killed.
Now who does that sound like?
-Gordon Liddy?
-A professional.
-Specifically.
-Castile?
-Yup.
He entered Miami two days ago.
We lost him in the Rockies.
-How dangerous is he?
-Oh, I'd put him
in the top three.
-What are you guys
talking about?
-No clue.
-Gee.
-He's long since
given up caring.
-Well, what do you
think he wants?
-It's not what he wants.
It's what they want.
-It's like a tennis match.
-Who?
-That's what I'm asking.
-Third base!
-But he has had a
particular association
with one group of
terrorists over the years.
They call themselves
Freedom Fighters.
-Hm.
-Contras?
-Led by a girl named Serena.
-Oh, it's the Groovie Goolies.
-That was a long time ago.
-Ah, with Castile--
-Love his soap.
-Old loyalties die hard.
-You know Castile.
Oh yeah, I know him.
-Oh, I love their soap.
-I've tried to
nail him for years.
Say!
So has
-Mallory.
They've crossed each other's
paths a number of times.
-Yes, and both of
them still alive.
-So far.
Mallory was at the garden party.
-Everyone was there.
Yoko brought a walrus.
There was magic in the air.
-So where the hell is he now?
-He's driving around in his
fabulous new Aston Martin!
-Could these have come
from ancient astronauts?
Shut up.
-Phew, well.
Even a secret agent has
to go wring out a sock.
-Ooh.
-Shaken, not stirred.
-For lease?
Oh boy.
I've got to call my realtor.
Oh.
-Oh, he must be president
of the Audobon Society.
And look.
Oh.
And look.
Oh.
Oh.
-He's driving on the Autobahn.
Oh.
-He's driving on the Autobahn.
Careful.
Those are sharp.
-Ah!
My ankle bendy-wendy ooh.
-Xanadu, stately home
of-- oh, forget it.
-We'd like to thank you for
coming to today's open house.
You'll be dying here.
-This is the dying room.
-Uh, this'll be your room.
-Fits right in.
-OK, let's go.
-Are you OK?
Yes.
-Bars.
-And punch.
That's what I'm hungry for.
-We're too high, anyway.
-I Know.
-There's another
way out of here?
-Wait a minute.
Hey.
It's Brian Ferry,
taking pictures.
-Yes, yes.
Work with me.
Come on.
Throw your gutters back.
Wet your roof.
Throw your gutters back.
Wet your roof.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
-She's reading
-She's reading
-Oh.
-Look.
-Where?
Oh.
-Oh, I've seen this show.
It's "The Master" with the
James Bond no one remembers.
-Yeah.
-You know this man.
-Yeah, I know him.
-Brian Ferry.
-Do you want him killed?
-Natch!
-If it becomes necessary.
Time to make contact.
-Thanks.
Uh, you'll these back
at the end of your trip.
Thank you.
-Forbes here.
-Microsoft Service.
Could you hold for an hour?
-Right.
Thank you.
-Wait, wait.
The--
-Control.
-What do they want?
-Political prisoners released.
Jails in Lebanon, France.
Irish terrorists in England.
Subversive elements in Berlin.
About 200--
-And a bucket of chicken.
-Castile.
-All right, Castile.
We've opened negotiations.
But you have to understand--
-No, you understand.
Finalize negotiations
by 6:00 in the morning,
or we execute the hostages.
-Now you do that, Castile.
And you're marked for life.
There'll be nowhere in
the world you can hide.
-You can always
hide in the shadows.
-Ooh, he got me on that.
-You walked right into it.
-I will contact you
at precisely 0550.
-That's it, huh?
-Forbes, continue negotiations
with the governments.
Let them think we're
going through with it.
-Again?
-What is our plan?
Oh, shut up, Mr. Bond.
-Helicopter assault at dawn.
-That's crazy.
You know Castile.
He's killed hostages before.
Stockholm, Frankfort.
-We don't bargain
with terrorists.
Munich, '72, taught us that.
-Uh, we had numbers then.
That was at the Olympics.
-Everyone'll be dead.
-Let's roll.
-We should get going.
-Hey.
Photo insert.
-Yeah.
-Cool.
-One or two men over that wall
and inside, before we hit them.
-That's a sheer, 70-foot wall.
No human being could climb that.
-True.
Unless he were a ninja.
TOM SERVO: No, no, no, no no.
It's all wrong Timothy
Van Patten is not
the type for a gerbil.
-It's a hamster.
-Well, whatever.
He shouldn't be going
around with a Cricetid,
or any small Slavic
origin rodent.
It doesn't fit the profile.
-Ah, you're loony.
-Well, for your
information, Boris,
there are plenty
of perfect examples
of detectives, and other
crime fighting types,
whose pets were
perfectly suited to them.
Baretta's cockatoo.
Sonny Crockett had a crocodile.
Columbo's basset hound.
BJ had The Bear.
-Turner had Hooch.
-Right.
Good.
McCloud had his horse.
They all make sense.
-Oh, come on.
Who went and made
you the expert?
-Well--
-Uh, well, actually, I did.
I wrote a subroutine
into his database,
allowing him to pair fictional
detectives with pets.
-Oh, gee, what a useful
bit of programming.
-Hey.
-Well, it's something to do.
I mean, uh, why
don't you, uh, do it
for us with today's
mumbling hero, you know?
-Well, I'd suggest a
mandrill for Timothy.
-A mandrill?
-What about Magnum, PI?
-Oh, let's see.
Something tropical.
A sea turtle.
-How about Jim Rockford?
-Praying mantis.
-TJ Hooker?
-Oh, he'd have a creature
with the head of Adrian Zmed
and the body of a spider monkey.
-Uh, the Avengers!
-For Emma Peel, a newt.
For John Steed, let's see,
a spitting cobra or a duck.
-Toma?
-Cockatoo, same as Baretta.
Next?
-Uh, Bat Masterson.
-Penguin.
All of your 19th century Western
detectives would have penguins.
But there may be a
couple puffins thrown in.
So be sure to ask
me about each one.
-OK.
-What about, uh,
Starsky and Hutch
-Paul Michael Glaser, a vicuna.
David Soul, a bat.
-Uh, Matlock.
-He raises mealworms for money.
-The Saint.
-Sea cow.
-Miss Marple.
-Wasel.
-Mod Squad?
-Puppy, lizard, bird.
-Uh, Charles Darwin.
-Oh, now, he wasn't a detective.
-Well, so?
He tracked stuff
down, didn't he?
-It's OK, Joel, it's OK.
Crow, Profesor Darwin
would have a howler monkey
that would eventually into his
wisecracking partner, Blake.
-Oh, now, you're
just showing off.
-Hey, wait a minute.
Charles Darwin wasn't fictional.
-Just hush you two.
We've got commercials,
so let's go.
-What kind of pet
would Space Ghost have?
-Oh, that's a monkey.
-Yeah.
-Oh yeah.
-It's a trick question.
-You don't release Max
Keller until tomorrow.
-I thought he was your friend.
-He is.
But he'd insist
on going with us.
And I'm not getting him killed.
-God, he bugs me.
-You got it.
-You got me!
-Smug brothers right there.
-Couple of dorks.
-Oh,he brought his sample case.
-Yup.
-Well, no room
for underwear in--
-Sorry, Max.
-Yeah.
All this stuff.
-This turns out to
be an ending, wish
we'd have been together more.
-Look at all the things he
can do with his Spirograph.
-Come along, my little friend.
Even you, Longfellow.
-You know, his act is
kind of prop-heavy.
-Yeah.
-Yep.
-Uh, You forgot your six finger.
-Man alive.
-The gerbil!
-Oh no!
-Wait, I thought he
turned that light off.
-Sockies.
-Oh no, it's Queen
Latifah again.
-You think he just walked
though the lobby like that?
-I don't know.
Music by Zamfir.
-Gotcha, you little Dickens.
[SHOUTING]
-It is well choreographed.
-Very nice.
-Everybody's going out for it.
-Ooh!
[KNOCKING]
-(MUFFLED) Hey, keep
it down in there.
Hey, I'm trying to sleep.
Shut up in there.
-I don't think Lee can
take much more of this.
-Uh-uh.
-You know, I don't
think that's Lee.
-I know.
-OK.
-You betrayed us, Master.
-I get the bed by the window.
-Not without a weapon.
-Oh,they do this every
episode, for crying out loud.
-Ah!
That always happens.
-That's got to sting.
-This guy's got a knife
in his didgeridoo.
[DIDGERIDOO NOISE]
-Hey!
-Wilkinson sword.
-I bet Holiday Inn has a
policy on this kind of stuff.
-Oh, I see you're using
the Danish counter.
I thought it was wise
considering the terrain.
I thought it was wise
considering the terrain.
-Uh-oh.
-Uh-oh.
-Garden weasel!
-Bruce Lee Press-On Nails.
-Ah.
-Ooh.
-That's a punch.
-Oh, man.
And "Designing Women"
is on in half an hour.
-Damn,
-Oh, I've heard about
this kind of behavior.
-D'oh.
-Jump back.
Erase myself.
-Oh, weak,
[BOOING]
-Weak, weak.
-I'm starting to not
believe this ninja stuff.
-Where has my little dog gone?
-Arf.
-You know?
-They had to release me.
No evidence.
Now I had to get to the Master.
-I'm innocent.
He soldered me in here.
Help.
-I know why he did it.
But he's not getting
away with it.
-With what?
So, cow flop?
-Do you think they'll find us?
-Nice caftan.
-Mhm.
-Really?
-Yes.
They will.
-Have a cow flop.
-Believe me.
-Let Hostage House
cater your next caper.
-Please. it's Shake 'n Bake.
And we helped.
-Come on.
Its original recipe.
Eat.
I'm missing "All My Children."
-Come on, everybody.
Sing.
"Get a bucket of chicken."
Come on.
"Finger lick--"
-Boy ,this chicken's
just no going over.
-Aw, hell, I'm not shy.
Can I have your dessert, too?
Hm?
-It's the Colonel!
-John Palin?
-Sit down.
-Now why didn't
you eat my chicken?
-John.
-Marsha.
-You're one of them.
-Poor little rich girl.
-The Gloria Vanderbilt story.
-You're not so beautiful
and defiant now.
-Well, she's still defiant.
Hmm.
-I could kill you right now.
-You're going to kill
us anyway, and don't you
think we all know it
-Zing.
-No one's coming
for you, Alicia.
-There.
I've said it.
And I'm proud.
-Ken Berry.
Huh.
-Boy, rotten senior
trip, eh, honey?
-Max.
-It hurts.
-Going to need me.
But thanks for the sentiment.
-You ever see "Food
of the Gods," buddy?
-This is it.
-Well, you're in it
now, up to your neck.
-I don't like trusting you.
-I don't think you
have much choice.
-Zinged him.
-You climb as I
do, or you'll fall.
-Hi-keeba.
-Huh.
So he's climbing a silo.
MAX (VOICEOVER): Found
out about the fortress
in the federal building.
-And the digger, and the
dealer, and the dog as well.
MAX (VOICEOVER):
And getting in there
were two different things.
-Hey, sounds like Chicago's
in the back of the van.
-Hey, crack a window.
-Great night for flying.
-Uh, Flying on the
ground is wrong.
-You get up that rope, Seeger.
-Oh, the great Master
Ninja needs a spotter.
-Uh-oh.
-Reaction.
-Cripes, I wet them.
Look out down there.
-Stay together, cheeks.
Stay-- stay together, cheeks.
Ooh.
-Where does he get
this stuff from?
-You know.
-Reaction.
-Oh brother.
-Uh, off belay, sort of.
Uh, there.
-Ah.
-Watch, now as they
go up the roof,
a celebrity will
stick his head out.
-Yeah.
-Batman.
-Prime it.
Where did he get this thing?
What is he, Hudson Hawk?
-First-pull all start.
Starts every time.
-Huh.
-Lean back, Tim.
Well, if old fatty up there
can do it, I guess I can.
-Looks like he's climbing
a rosary, doesn't it?
-I get a weird feeling
when I shimmy up this rope.
-Oh.
-Ator?
No!
-Quiet, Tim.
Shh.
-Picture yourself over
the Sea of Japan, Max.
-Auguring in.
-Did he bring his hamster
on the ultralight?
-No, he's talking to himself.
Oh.
-Follow me.
Keep your balance.
-I know how to balance.
-Duh, I'm sure.
-Then keep your voice down.
-(LOUDLY) What?
Oh.
Voice down.
Shh.
Right.
Shh.
Right.
Right.
-Come on.
Right.
-Come on.
Hurry.
I've got to get this
tux back to Gingiss.
-Come on.
-What's the plan?
-Plan?
Oh.
Oh.
-Split up.
Back at this wall in 20 minutes.
-You got it.
-Two of them, huh?
-Shoot them down.
Shoot to kill.
-Too late, Mr. Mallory.
This time, you're too late.
-Whoa, wait.
We missed something again.
-Wow, he landed in a cistern.
-We now join Timothy Van
Patten, already in progress.
-Careful, Tim.
That could hurt.
-Who is this man, Mallory?
-An old enemy.
I'll take care of him.
-It's army class.
-OK, thanks, Forbes.
Uh, thanks for the information.
I'll inform Senator Clayton.
-Roger.
Thanks for your order.
-They're going to launch
a full-scale helicopter
assault at 6 o'clock.
-Could they be mistaken?
-They have no
reason to lie to me.
-The helicopters are standing
at the foot of the mountain,
waiting to go.
We haven't got any time, unless
you intend to stand and fight.
-That's something else--
-Woof.
- --he gave up a long time ago.
-I know when to fight.
-When our back's
against the wall.
We can be out of here
in under an hour.
Get everything ready.
-Debbie Do-Right.
-The hostages?
-We'll execute them
just before we leave.
-Oh, you always put everything
off till the last minute.
-Your cause can
be served, Serena.
Next time, they'll listen.
-Oh, uh, Dave, Shaggy
wants his beard back.
-I think someone could
stand to sober up.
Take a shave and a shower.
-Hi, Chet.
-How's it going, Doris?
-Oh, fine.
-Hmm, not bad.
-Ooh.
-Owie ow ow ow.
-Spock.
-Spock.
-Where?
-Over there.
Restin tower.
-Okey-doke.
Thanks a lot
-Lee's the butt of that joke.
-Hey. "A Shot in the Dark."
-Your government cares
nothing for your lives.
They're the ones executing you.
-I wouldn't pay my taxes either.
-Poor little rich girl
is getting first--
-Oh no.
-Boy, her dress is taking
a beating, isn't it?
-No one follows us.
I know what you said about
my skull and I blew up.
Well, I'm just leaving.
-Gee, they seemed nice.
-Everything's going
to be all right.
-Hey, look, a furnace filter.
-[HUMMING JAMES BOND THEME]
-It's not funny, you know.
It's a furnace filter.
-Freeze!
-Tag!
Not it.
-Don't even think about it.
-Senator.
-You-- you said
something about a backup.
It's a longshot, Senator.
-It's a tape backup.
You're leaning on it.
-The assault force is ready.
-You heard from Mallory?
-No.
-No, no word. no.
-No.
-What about McAllister?
They could have got separated.
-Monitoring both frequencies.
Nothing.
-Nothing, huh?
Nothing.
-Nothing, huh?
-Nothing, huh?
Gee.
-Nothing, huh?
Gee.
Too bad.
-Send them in.
-Sorry.
-Lose the tux, will you?
It's starting to
smell like Fritos.
-I got a headache this big.
-Oh, my aching neck.
Second under [INAUDIBLE]-- what
are-- what are you looking at?
-We've seen it.
It's a nice piece
of real estate.
We know!
-We put him in here.
He was wearing some kind
of black ninja outfit.
-Real dopey looking.
-He's gone.
-Huh?
-And this time, it's personal.
-Ow, right. on my keys.
Ow.
-Oh.
My mask.
-Time Tunnel.
In color.
-Hey, the Average
White Band's up there.
-Sit down, Alicia.
-So I guess I'll
sit here then, OK?
Guy.
-How long have I had split ends?
-Hey.
-Hey!
-Let's see how
brave you are now.
-"Gip" your "hang" off of her.
-A stunt double all of a sudden.
-My.
You really slide
on that linoleum.
-Oof.
-Alicia.
Are you OK?
-Oh, yes.
-It's your breath.
-Oh.
-Max!
-Ah!
-Ah!
Oh.
-Oh.
-The end.
-Are you all right?
-I'm OK.
-I don't even want
to how you got here.
-Sea of Japan.
Glided in.
You know how that is.
What's happened to Mallory?
Little tete-a-tete
with Castile--
-Tater tots?
-Mm.
-Should buy us enough time.
-If it's any help, there's
an arsenal in the garage.
and, uh--
-Ocelot?
-Not going anywhere.
Not until I put this back.
-Hey, an RF cable.
Thanks, Tim.
-There's a guard on the door
at the top of the stairs.
Is that where the rest
of the hostages are?
-Yeah.
-Don't feed them chicken.
-Get your truck ready.
Make sure the gates are open.
I need your help.
-To do what?
-Scream.
-Pull my finger.
-What?
-Scream.
-Scream.
-Scream.
ALICIA: [SCREAMS]
-Good.
-That's cue.
-Alley-oop.
Give and go.
-Appreciate the help.
-Any time.
-Listen, pal.
-Pull my finger.
-You're starting to look
more like me every day.
I must be rubbing off on you.
-Ew.
Ick.
-I said pull my finger.
Ah, he's not going to do it.
Come on.
-Suddenly she's a ninja groupie.
Don't hang around with them.
-This is a ninja cookie.
-Hm.
-Stand straight like a soldier.
-Oh.
I'm, like, blind.
[SCREAMING]
-Quiet!
-Whoa.
Somebody let a
crow loose in here?
Shut up!
-Everybody.
Don't be afraid.
Get out.
Come on.
You're on your way.
-Come on.
-You're on your way.
-Come on.
-You're on your way.
-You're on your way.
-Hurry up.
-You're on your way.
-Hurry up.
My parents will be
home in 10 minutes.
-Sure hope somebody
grabbed that chicken.
-Move it.
Come on.
-Mom said, never
trust a guy in satin.
-You cad!
-Grrr.
-Start the executions.
-Without me.
-Load the helicopters.
Mr. Mallory and I have a few
quiet words to say together.
In private.
-Say.
-Don't
-No, don't move.
I want to remember you
just as you are right now.
-Getting rattled?
A little
uncharacteristic emotion.
-I'm hammered.
-You've killed a
lot of my friends.
-So?
-Got in the way.
I don't kill innocent people.
-What about your control,
sending in his assault force?
You think he cares about
the lives of the hostages?
-All he cares about
is stopping terrorism.
-It's all terrorism.
Different names,
different causes.
-Ooh, deep.
-Save the world.
For what?
What do you care about, Mallory?
-David's got a little
pain to work through.
-Yeah, I think so.
-Oh, I see.
You're being professional.
Using whatever time's
left to reflect
on the cost of your
professionalism.
-I'm Max Keller.
Cripes.
Where'd I park my van?
-Hey what happened to him?
-Took a bullet in
the flipper, I think.
-Guess so.
-This place is really swell.
-Uh-oh.
-Oh, wrong door.
Oh man, oh man, oh
man, oh man, oh man.
-Blondes have more guns.
-My Thom McCans!
-Now, the willie.
You're going to be last.
-Huh?
-Huzzah!
-Oh, now he's into that.
-Yeah.
So why doesn't the
gas affect him?
-He can't breathe
through his nose.
-What goes up.
Must--
[GUNFIRE]
-That was me.
Sorry.
-I'd say the marines
have just landed.
-Too late to help you, Mallory.
-Ha ha!
Silly String!
Whoo hoo!
Huzzah!
-Who are you?
-You'll never know.
-Just how much I--
-Gymkata.
-Good move.
-Well, thanks.
That was nice work.
-If you can get it.
-Max is loading the
hostages onto a truck.
Now let's get out of here.
-Ryder rents, loser transports.
[GRUNTING]
-Hey, you got our stuff.
-Oh, yes.
I love these shots.
Slow it down more.
Please.
-(SLOWLY) Hi-Keeba
-Now it looks like they're
climbing down a rosary.
-Yup.
-Yup.
-Ow.
-Ow.
It's the knots
that-- ouch. ouch.
Oh, rope burns.
Oh.
-Now, let's go home, friend.
-Ow.
Be careful.
I'm wealthy.
-I don't think U-Haul
recommends that.
-The migrant socialites,
bound for Malibu.
-Uh, will you guys be my friend?
-Whoa there, just a little bit.
Huh.
-Yeah, he's a ninja, all right.
Look at the cat-like moves.
-So you came back for me.
-You'd've come back for me.
-I would now.
-Ah, you big lug, come here.
Ah.
-His tux sure held up well, huh?
-Didn't expect to see you again.
-I had the same feeling
about you last night.
I should have known better.
-With a girl like you.
-What can I do?
-Take a few less chances.
-I'll stop when you stop.
-One two three stop!
-Oh, guests of "Master
Ninja" fly Air America.
-Glad they weren't early.
-One Adam-12, stop the movie.
-Please.
-Once you're safe.
There'll be a bus to pick
you up here in a moment.
-And they'll take you on a
tour of the stars' homes.
-But Max, you're not
leaving, are you?
-Uh, so I am in love
with a union organizer.
-Everything'll be
back to normal again.
I mean, it's like, if I can
figure out what's normal again,
but-- Listen, we could
spend time together.
I mean, without
bullets flying around
and helicopters
landing in my backyard.
-Alicia?
-Shut up!
Is that 10 sentences, yet?
-What?
-Mmm.
-Oh, you taste just
like Monte Markham.
-You taste like ninja.
-Don't you be a stranger, OK?
-I'll remember that.
-This guy's breaking
hearts all over the map.
-Bye.
-Bye, Max.
-Bye.
-All right.
First base, huh?
-You were right.
When in doubt--
-You kiss them.
-Yeah, hot, I'm a bad
Van Patten, aren't I?
-Well, we will, as soon
as Okasa's stopped.
-Well, at least he
wasn't around this time.
Count our blessings, right?
-Geez, you need the
universal translator
to understand that guy.
-Colonel Pressings?
-Before we go on searching
for your daughter,
we're going to swing by
Vegas for a little R and R.
-Go stand by Vegas?
-I thought we just
had a good time.
-D'oh!
-Oh, Master Ninja,
will you ever learn?
Well, let's get going.
-I'm going to stay.
-I liked that one.
-Sing the theme song here.
-(SINGING) He's a
man with a plan.
He's a ninja.
You've got to go where
the hamster goes.
You're a ninja.
Uh, Joel.
Joel.
Joel!
Carry me.
-OK.
What, are you sick of this?
-(SINGING) He's got
thighs like a hamster.
Hoo.
Ha.
Get down.
Jump back.
Kiss myself.
-You know, today's
experiment was
packed with more Timothy
Van Patten scenes than ever.
And yet, I feel so empty.
-Yeah.
Usually, when I watch
two back-to-back episodes
of a failed mif-'80s
action show,
repackaged and presented
as a feature-length movie,
I expect more.
-Well, you've got to
admit, the experiments
have been pretty rugged lately.
But let's let bygones be bygones
and has-beens be has-beens,
and have some fun with this neat
Lee Van Cleef foamcore dress-up
doll.
You see?
doll.
You see?
You see?
Lookit.
You see?
Lookit.
-Lee's already dressed for
action in his Joe Namath
netted slingshot briefs there.
-Oh my God, Joel.
For Heaven's sake, put
some clothes on him.
-You know, with that gut,
wouldn't the Charles Durning
underoos be far
more appropriate?
-Well, no.
Check it out.
See what happens when you
put the ninja costume on?
How, uh, what a slimming
effect it has on the guy?
-Wow.
-See, isn't that neat?
-Hey, could you put a
pirate costume on him?
-Wha?
-Lee Van Cleef didn't
wear a pirate outfit
in this or any other film.
-I know.
It's just a fantasy
I've always had.
-[SIGH]
-Anyway, it's, uh,
time to read a letter.
-Oh!
-Let's put that up on
still store there, Cambot.
This one comes
from Sue Schroeder
of Rochester, New York.
-Hi, Sue.
-And Sue writes,
"I can certainly
sympathize with being
forced to watch bad movies,
because I am a Film
Studies grad student.
Most of the movies
that I have to watch,
though, are 10 hours
long, and have subtitles.
Actually, when I was
still taking classes,
I didn't even get to see movies.
All I did was read Freud
and dumb French people
like," uh, what's that word?
-Derrida.
-"Derrida."
-Foucault!
-"I hated it.
Well, I almost have my degree,
so it will all be over soon.
PS, I want to draw a
picture for you all,
but I have to get back
to writing my thesis.
Also, will you three say
what your favorite movies
of all time are?"
That's a good one.
-Well, for me it's easy.
"Big Fauss and Little Halsey."
-Crow?
-Kafka's "The Castle"
-I thought it was Zardoz.
-I'd have to say "Colossus:
the Forbin Project."
-Huh.
-What do you think, sirs?
-Ah, "The Forbin Project."
One of my favorite films.
The thing I like most about it--
-Doctor, can I
just say something?
Can I just get serious?
I have something
very important, which
I really feel has to be said.
-Well, Frank, you
do look serious.
Um, by all means,
the floor is yours.
-Thank you, doctor.
You know, one thing
in today's experiment
caused great pain to
yours truly, TVs Frank.
It was the appearance of Monte
Markham in the second episode--
I mean the later half--
of today's movie.
Monty Markham was the star of
my favorite television series
when I was just a young man,
living in my mother's basement.
I'm talking, of course, of "The
Second Hundred Years," which,
as you all remember, was the
crazy, wild show about him,
being trapped in suspended
animation for 100 years,
coming back trying to fit
into contemporary society.
I liked it.
"The Second Hundred Years"
was truly vintage Markham.
And I want everyone out there
right now to write to ABC,
and say, please, please,
Mr. ABC Executive,
bring back "The Second Hundred
Years," starring Monte Markham.
Please do it for the laughter.
For the love.
For the boys.
-Well, Frank that
was very touching.
I'm sure the "Second
Hundred Year"
issue was on everyone's mind.
Shall I crush your skull,
or do you want to do it?
-Oh, I think you ought to.
-Very well.
[CLANG] Well, in the immortal
words of Monte Markham,
"Here come de judge."
FRANK: Uh, that was Pigmeat
Markham. [CLANG] Ahh!