Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 4, Episode 22 - Master Ninja I - full transcript

THEME SONG: In the not too
distant future-- next Sunday,

AD-- there was a guy named
Joel, not too different from you

or me.

He worked at Gizmonic
Institute, just another face

in a red jumpsuit.

He did a good job
cleaning up the place,

but his bosses didn't like him
so they shot him into space.

We'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst we can find.

He'll have to sit
and watch them all,

and we'll monitor his mind.

Now keep in mind
Joel can't control

where the movies begin or end.

Because he used
those special parts

to make his robot friends.

Robot Roll Call:

Cambot!
Gypsy!

Hi, girl.
Tom Servo.

What a cool guy.
Crow!

He's a wisecracker.

You're wondering how
he eats and breathes

and other science facts,
then repeat to yourself

it's just a show, I
should really just

relax for Mystery
Science Theater 3000.

-I like the way you melted
the bumpers from [INAUDIBLE].

-Oh.

Well, what's that there then?

-Well, that's a 440 with twin
four-barrels and cherrybombs

hopped up with hooker headers,
thresh pipes, glasspacks,

delivering 600
horsepower with 3100 foot

pounds of torque in the axle.

-Lays rubber in every gear.

-I glued it!
-Yeah.

-Oh.
Well, that's great, Gypsy.

That's really great.

COMPUTER: Commercial
sign in 15 seconds,

and I mean it this time.
-Oh.

Well, don't say hi, Gyp.

-Gyp.

-Well, it's great that
you guys have a hobby.

-Yeah, we were sort of
tracing the development

of the American muscle car
and its symbiotic relationship

to the feelings of isolation
and disillusionment

of postwar adolescents.

You know, the almost
mythic leather-clad loner

in the hot rod with the secret
and the soul in torment.

You know, his spirit
lives on, Joel,

finding its deepest meaning in
the songs of Morrisey and Bruce

Springsteen, the Turtles.
-Yeah.

I mean, if not for the
limitations of space,

we ourselves might be riding
through the mansions of glory

in our suicide machines
jammed together

on the highway
with broken heroes

on a last chance power drag.

-Yay.
Woo.

-Well, I guess we would then.

-Let your hands
cross my velvet rims,

and strap your hands
across my engines.

-All right.
Who taught her that?

Which one of you?

COMPUTER: Commercials
in five, four,

three, two-- commercials now.

-Now, look, Gypsy.

You don't have velvet
rims, all right?

And I don't want anybody
strapping anyone's hands

across anyone's engines, OK?
Capish?

-OK.

-Evil hell-spawn are
calling, so behave.

-Come in, Joel, my little
space guy, my little man who's

trapped up there,
my little person

who we control in a
funny kind of way.

-Why don't you hit
the sack, Frank?

I'll take over from here, OK?

-Thanks, dad.

-Well, Joel, we're
going to swing right

into this week's
invention exchange.

Frank?

-You know, when you've been
hospitalized as frequently as I

have, the same old hospital
food gets to be a real drag,

particularly the
flavorless swill

that they pump
intravenously into your arms

as you drift in and
out of consciousness.

-That's why I've invented
these new, tasty, boil in a bag

intravenous dinners.

-Who says a coma
can't be delicious?

-That's right.

No more glycopyrrolate
administered drably

at 0.8 milligrams per
liter of Ringer's Lactate.

This is hardy Irish
stew with cubed lamb.

-Mmm.

-And this is a delightful poulet
au vin rouge that we have here.

-Mm.

Is that thyme I'm tasting?

-60 parts per million, Frank.

Here's cauliflower,
and would you

like to see our dessert carte?

-Should I?

-Well, we have Calimyrna figs in
a port sauce that's very tasty,

or almond cake with
apricot coulis.

It's really decadent.

-OK.

You talked me into it.

But please, small portions.

-What do you think, Joel?

-I don't.
-Whoa.

Good one.
-Deep.

Yeah.

-Anyway, thanks.

Our invention
exchange this week,

sirs, are based on
the old classic pop-up

books we had when we were kids.

But now that I've grown
up, my tastes have changed,

and I like a more
sophisticated fare.

So we all got
together and came up

with some pop-up books for
some adult titles like Charles

Dickens' Great Expectations.

-Oh, look at that.

Isn't that sweet?

-Birthday cake with rice on it.
-Oh.

There's the pop-up version of
Tolstoy's Anna Karenininina.

-Oh, this is one
of my favorites.

-Woo-woo!

-Toot-toot!

-That's the end of the book.

-And for that touch
of despair, there's

always Albert Camus'
classic, the Plague.

-Ahh.

-That's how that goes.

-And I made a special
one, a pop-up version

of William Burrough's
Naked Lunch.

-No.
Why?

-No.
Why?
Why?
-Don't do it.

Why?
-Don't do it.

Don't do it.

-I don't think we should.

That wouldn't be right, sirs.

-Joel, I was just
fluffing Frank's pillow.

Well, your-- your movie
today is-- is really bad.

Uh-- it's called Master
Ninja 1, I think.

Enjoy!

Push the button, Frank.

-I had Jell-O today.

-Oh, right.

I'll get it.
-Whoa!

We got movies coming!

No,

-They were just
having a pillow fight.

-Gee, those guys are mean.

-Master Ninja I?

-A wandering ninja eye.

-All right, Lee.

-Hey, look it.

He's black and blue
from all that fighting.

-Bluer than I remember.

-You see, he learned too late
that man is a feeling creature.

-OK, Elvis, we know
you're in there.

-What?

Did Lee Harvey Oswald
shoot this footage?

-Hey, Sho Kosugi.

-Is that the kind
of thing you have

with rice and-- uh--
little nori wrappers?

It's a food, Chinese food.

Yup.

-Hi.

I'm Max Keller.

-I'm a seagull.

-This is how I
usually leave a bar.

-Ooh!

-Mm-Axe.

Max.

-A bunch of bikers were
harassing a young couple.

Naturally, I had
to try to stop 'em.

I don't they liked me.

-Demi Moore.

-Without a Clu Gulager.

-I like him.

-Stick around.

This should be fun.

-Not with Claude Akins in it.

-Oh, look.

Now he's the great
Carl Michael Demer.

Ooh.

-Thank you, Robert Clouse
for I don't know what.

-Hey-- uh-- you want to check

there?

And while you're at
it, check your career.

-Get him out of there.
-No, no.

Please don't hurt us.

-No, no.

Leave her alone.

-Thank you.

It was a lovely wedding.

-Stop that.

-Hey, that's Max Keller!

-Huh?

How did you know him?

-Oh, we're in
Deadwood, South Dakota?

-No-- Oh-- ugh!

-Side Harley.

Woo.

-Ow.

-Oh, the carnage.

Back to you, Ed.

It kills me.

-Halfway across the world was
a man who was going to change

my life, John Peter McAllister,
the only occidental American

ever to become--

-Ms. Japan.
-A ninja.

-I free you to go, little fella.

-I dawt I daw a dwade B actor.
I did, I did.

It's Wee Cweef.

-It's eight at night.

You can take off your jammies.

-He dresses like Sheila E.

-I do like the John
Cage soundtrack though.

-There's the John
Cage right there.

[CHUCKLING]

-Aw, cripes.

It's those turtles.
They moved next door.

And now I'll never
get any sleep.

-Boy, is this ever Japan.

You know, you can really
tell this is Japan.

-Mhm.
-Ow.

That stings.

Ouch.

-Benihana, no!

-Hey, batter.

Hey, batter, batter.

Hey, batter.

-OK.

The couch will be first base,
and invisible guy on third.

-Oh, my knee.

Oh, my elbow.

Oh, oh, my thigh.

Oh, oh, my back.
Oh, my throat.

Oh, oh, oh, my shin.

Oh, my shoulder.

Ugh.

-Tonight on Bravo, Martha
Graham's new dance company.

-Up, they're gonna need
a new roll of tissue.

-Mhm.

-So, I called
Allstate immediately.

-Lee Van Cleef is Master Ninja.

-Oof!

-Meanwhile, in the movie 1941--

-He's on his way to
the United States

to find the daughter
he never knew he had.

-Yes.

Ellerston.

-Ellerston?

Weird name for a daughter.

-Once you got out alive.

-Look.

I'm getting on that
plane, and where I'm going

I can't be with me.

-Wait, sir.

You forgot your credit card.

-Oh.

-Those IUDs are dangerous.

-Boy, aren't they?

-No way to miss.

Is it-- is it me, or
did I just lose face?

-Meanwhile, in Illinois, USA--

[CHUCKLING]

-Gave a girl a ride in my wagon.

I love that song.

-Someone in the Twilight Zone.

-Look.

He's talking to the sound
man lying on the floor.

-Wait!
Wait!

-Demi Moore?!

I've dreamed of her running out
of the woods into my Chevy van.

-Whoa!
-Whoa.

That's Demi Moore.

Whoa.

-Help me, please.

Don't wait, please.

-I wasn't even gonna stop.

-Whoa.
You're a mess.

Were you at Prince's house?

-Special guest appearance
by the car from Stranded

in Space, the Fury III.

-And what a Fury it is.

-Don't do that.

I like classical music.
-Good.

Henry likes Mozart.

He saw Amadeus in my
pocket three times.

-Henry?

-That little guy there with
the brown fur and Fonda eyes.

-Henry, Portrait
of a Serial Gerbil.

-Who's this behind us?

-Must have got separated
from the wedding party.

-Just get me out of here, OK?

-Hey, Where do you get those
dash-mounted gerbil cages?

-Will you do it?

What does it look like?

Please, just take
me to the airport.

-You really must wanna
get away from this guy.

-No, no.

My father's airport,
Trumbull's Airfield.

It's right on the other
side of the trees.

You've gotta know where that is.

-Just passing through.

-Geez, doesn't your
dad have an airport?

-Do you know that guy behind us?
-Yeah, I know him.

-Husband or boyfriend?
-Ugh.

He's a horn salesman.
-I don't have either.

Look, mister?
-Max Keller.

-Holly Trumbull.

You're great, and
I'm really scared.

And all I ask is just
please take me to my home.

-OK, OK.

I'll take you, I'll take you.

-Do you need a
lozenge or something?

-Filmed in Mendecino
County, Illinois.

-Sorry you got into this fight.

-Six more of those little
suckers going like hell.

-You bastard!

-Ain't got no rear view mirror.

-You know, you're kind of

you know that?

-I'm assuming you left out of
this damsel in distress story.

Like, that's a cop behind us.

-Just don't stop.

-Oh wow.

-Listen, lady.

Cops and I don't
quite snuggle up.

-Sheriff Kyle has
a personal vendetta

against myself and my father.

-Vendetta?

-Take a better look, OK?

Do I need to spell
it out for you?

The man tried to rape me.

-The cop?

-Now he's trying to shoot me.

S-H-O-O-T.

-How do I get myself
into these things?

-Pull over.

This is the sheriff's office.
-Office?

That's a car.

-Brace yourself
against the dash,

and don't let Henry fall out.

It's crazy when he's mad.

-Here comes a TV cop chase.

It's the TV car chase
theme and your TV car

chase-- your TV car chase theme.

Hah!

Boogie!

TV car chase.

Whoa.

Woo!

-I love that.

-I hope Steven J
Canal was in that car.

-Don't pass go, Max.

Go directly to jail, Max.

-Do not collect $200.

-Only you can prevent
car explosions.

-I thought you died on me.

You haven't moved for an hour.

-A warrior in 16th century Japan
sat under an icy waterfall.

-He looks like one
of Henson's rats.

-His arms were over
his head like this

without moving for 86 hours.

-Why'd he do it?

-I can't imagine.
-Look.

I'm going for the tree if
you keep talking old man.

-So heartbeat.

-Seems I've been drinking a lot.

-Open the door of the senses.

Listen to the silence.

-Mind if we don't talk
for the rest of the trip?

-You must be a lot
of laughs at a party.

-Do you think you--
um-- could stick around?

I might need you.

-I'm going off-duty for the day.

-Oh, sure.

A loner.

I got the sign.

Sit reading the classified
ads in a local motel

until Dick Pal comes running
down the television alley

at midnight with
a gun in your ear.

-Ah, let Dennis Miller
do Dennis Miller, Demi.

-There's mic on me body.

-Hey, how's Bruce these days?

-Um-- he had his hands on me.

Sorry.

-That makes three of us.

And he was just
getting to like you.

So where's a good place
to stay around here?

-Shallow grave.

Train tracks are nice.

-Clover Leaf Motel is back down
the road a couple of miles.

-Clover Leaf?

If that'll change my luck.

So long.

-Max-- um-- I believe you can
order chilled champagne even

after midnight, in case Dick
Pal's company isn't enough.

-Won't be.

-What are they talking about?

-I have no idea.

-Don't worry.

I'm not gonna leave this
bar through the window, pal.

After wrecking
the sheriff's car,

I thought I'd take a break.

I didn't know McAllister
was right behind me.

-Allister McAllister?

-You ever meet a ninja in a bar?

It's a lot of fun.

-He looks about as much
like an ninja as Irene Ryan.

-In fact, it is Irene Ryan.

-You know,
everybody's gonna know

he's a ninja if they play
that theme every time he

comes in somewhere.

-Oh, everybody's got
their own theme music.

-Hey, what's a guy gotta do
to get beat up in this place?

-Hey, Max.

Max.
Over here.

-Hm.

That's funny.

They've quit playing
my theme music.

-Isn't that the guy
from Blazing Saddles?

-I wanted to buy you

for bringing Holly
back in one piece.

-Hm.

-Last time he blacked her eye.

Someday, someone's gonna
settle it with the sheriff.

-By the way, who are you?

-I'd like to do it myself.

-What'll it be?

-At one time, a Singapore Sling
would've been the only answer.

-Now I want peanut
buster parfait.

-I'm looking for this.

-I sell drinks.
-Do you take happenings coupons?

-Do you want information?
There's the sheriff right there.

-It's over the top.

-Hi-- uh-- could I talk
to you for a second?

-Now!
-That's enough boys.

-Now!
-That's enough boys.
-That's enough boys.
-Oh, well.

-That's enough boys.
-Oh, well.

Look at him.

-Yes, size 8 petite.

A little airport negligee, eh?

-You know how to strap this
down the stair, old man?

Hm?

-I'll just die if they
find my tiger balm.

-Tres bonita, darling.

-You may not touch that.

-Just keeps getting
better, don't it?

-I've been hearing about
him down at the truck stop.

-It's a ninja truck stop.

-That old man can
take care of himself.

-Yeah, well, the sheriff
and I have a prior.

-Go for it, kid.

Hard and fast.

-Woo!

-Out you pixies go!
-Liar!

You liar, you!

-That's enough!

That's enough!

Let's get that loud mouth.

-OK!
-Which one?

-OK!
-Which one?
-Which one?
-Hm?

-Which one?
-Hm?

-Whoa!

-Tilt.

-Hey, look it.

If you lost your quarter,
just fill out a form and-- oh.

-What do we do with
these here tokens?

-Good thing I'm not
a cigarette machine.

This guy woulda kicked my butt.

[CHUCKLING]

-8 ball, corner-- well,
you know the rest.

-Hey-- uh-- it unscrews.
-Aw.

-This rules.

-Oh.

It started falling
before he kicked it.

-Hey, was that necessary?

-Look, lady.

We made some mistakes.

You made some mistakes.

-I need your help.

-Hey, I got some
tools in my truck.

-Ever think of hiring
out as a tornado?

-Just get me outta here.

-Man, is he hammy.

-Hey, it smells like urine
and cedar chips in here.

-Must be teach.

-Crazy.

-Dun-dun-dun dun-dun dun.

-Do you always carry an arsenal
with you everywhere you go?

-You always carry a hamster?
-All my possessions are with me.

Some are more
lethal than others.

-I was in a bar
one time in Saigon.

-Yeah, right.
When you were a baby.

-This young dude comes
and tears the place

to pieces, like it was
made outta nothing.

-Ah, I'll get out right here.

-Said he was a ninja.

-A ninja?

-Yeah, he carried a variety
of different little weapons

in a leather pouch.

-Oh, that's a chiropodist.

-Hm?

-Hey, what else you got
in that suitcase of yours?

-My toothbrush.

-Which could rip
a man's teeth out.

-How could you be hurt?

I mean, no one
even came near you?

-Shuriken wound.

It's a small spiked wheel
in the small of my back.

Keeps reopening.

-We better stay out
of the emergency room

till the sheriff gets
tired of watching 'em.

-Yeah, and you'd better take
the wheel out of your back.

-Find some place else.

-You little dickens.

-Your home?

-You're traveling in it, Jack.
-You're jacking in it, traveler.

-Mr. Trumbull, any one
of my client's proposals

would make you a
very wealthy man.

-It's Claude Akins, and
he's got his 8 mask-- oh no.

It's just Claude.

-Buy yourself LaGuardia.

-Eh.

Couch would be cheaper.

-In my office there's a picture
of a field with a [INAUDIBLE].

-That's that Wyeth painting.

-A man with a-- man
in a leather flying

jacket wearing a red scarf.

He's got his arm around the
shoulder of another man.

-Oh, Tom Selleck.

-You know where that
field is, Mr. Havland?

-You've caused my client
to lose a lot of money.

-A William Daniels wannabe.

-Unnecessary grief.

-That field's right here,
and the man in the leather

flying jacket wearing a red
scarf, that's my father.

-Oh, it was a trick question.

-The older man with the
biplane was a fellow

named Wilbur Wright who'd gone
to have lunch with my father

because he'd invented a little
thing called a turn and bank

indicator.

Now, Mr. Wright
thought that this

should be a good place
to build an airport.

-Bad place to film a movie.
-And my father thought so too.

-I can assure you that--

-I have no clue what
you're talking about.

-If Mr. Christensen would
like to come by here

and take a plane ride,
it's on the house.

-Oh, he's gonna stab him in
the throat like Godfather III.

-Maybe he'd have a
better perspective

of the world from 5000 feet.

-Those lenses cost
me a lot of money.

Please, be very careful--

-Oh.

I thought he was gonna
rip off his moustache.

-Every time I fly
into this airport

I look down through the clouds.

-And I spit.

-And I see some good memories.

They wouldn't look that
good any place else.

And you tell Mr.
Christensen that.

-Mr. Christensen,
hoist the main sail!

-Very well.
-Oh!

With the-- oh , thank you
very much, Mr. Dowell.

-Claude Akins, ladies and
gentlemen, Claude Akins.

Let's give him a big hand.

He'll be back later in the show.

-You know, say what you
want, but Claude Akins

has a nice rump.

-Right dowdy though.

-You guys talking about my butt?

-D'oh!

-Yeah, you crack me up.

I've seen the show.

[CHUCKLING]

-Thought you might
need some help.

There's a run on old guys
getting tough tonight.

-What're you doing back here?
-Christensen.

-Property owner.

Owns as much of this town
as the law will allow.

-Ah, the character
meeting place.

-Shopping center.

-Just stay out of this, Holly.

-Got into some more trouble,
and brought it back.

Some old guy the
sheriff was hassling.

-All the way from town, huh?

[SIREN]

-Someone's broken a law.

-My dad.

-Take him to the PQ.

-Get him a deli bar.

-Mr. Akins' deputy.

Wanna see your butt.

-Start searching over there.

-You got a warrant, sheriff?

-Yeah, got a made for
TV warrant right here.

-Because you better have one
before you take one more step

onto my tarmac, and a
stretcher to take you off.

-Threatening an officer of
the law is a serious offense.

-You're not listening to me!

Now you get off my property!

-Man's gotta know his
limitations, Clint.

-All I'm gonna need is
one more [INAUDIBLE],

and I'll be back
to shut you down.

Chew on that.

-What happened?

Kyle?

-Who's Kyle?

-Yeah.

He's hurt.

-Who is he?

-I'd like to know the
answer to that one myself.

-He's the ugly.

-No, he's the bad.

-See you later?

-Ooh.

Lotta electricity in
that, I'll tell you.

-Wow.

He got paid to kiss Demi Moore.

-Most people. have.

-Ooh.

-Did she kiss you?

-This guy.

-Seemed like the right moment.

-D'oh!

-Guess they're just
not making ninjas

the way they used to, huh.

-Guess not.
-What a burn.

-You know the ninja?

-Well, my uncle in Milawukee's
best friend knows a ninja.

-You know, I'm surprised your
fellow ninjas let you go.

-There was a send-off.

-Yeah, pinwheel in the back.

Nice.

Max Keller.

Do I get to call you master?

-It's got a ring to it.

-Yeah, so does a bathtub.

-John Peter McAllister is
the name on the discharge.

-From where?

They don't teach what you
did in any army I know of.

-Army Air Corps.

At the end of the war I
found myself in Japan,

a ticket home nowhere to go.

-Why didn't you go home?

-Something about
the tranquility.

-The tranquility
of postwar Japan?

[CHUCKLING]

-What brought you home?

Or were you just running?

-You know, this scene is
really faithful to the book.

-It shows.

-My daughter.

One I didn't even know I
had wrote to me a month ago

from Ellerston.

-This picture's taken outside
of one of Trumbull's hangars.

-Yeah, why's she
handcuffed to a biplane?

-And that's why you've traveled
halfway around the world

after 30 years?

Just to find her?

What other reason
could there be?

-World perks card,
frequent flyer miles.

-You're looking over your
shoulder for someone.

Secrets locked inside
your head that no one

else can know about?

-Lots of secrets.

-I'll take the
ones you can give.

-Sounds like his
stitches were ripping.

Oof.

-I don't understand.

-I'm making a deal with you.

I'll help you find
your daughter if you'll

teach me what you
did in that bar.

And the way you moved,
the way you felt--

-The way you sang off key!

-There's all kinds of tricks
in that suitcase of yours.

-You would not endure
the discipline.

-Try me!

-Or the emotional commitment.

-What?

You don't think I got emotions?

-Too many of them.

-You're practically
Leo Buscaglia

-Take on six attackers at once.

That's not where it is, Max.

-I can hack it.

-You've got nice qualities.

-Strong cheekbones.

-But not for a ninja.

Anyway I'm a
cantankerous old man,

who's lived alone
a lot of years.

-And I'm gonna learn the
true meaning of Christmas.

-I can see why.

I've been alone too.

Just thought I'd
try another route.

-Another paper route.

-Yeah.

-Anyway, hang in
there, old fella.

-I'll hang in.

-Good luck finding
your daughter.

-Go to bed, old man!

-This dialogue was lifted
from Then Came Bronson.

-Say hi to Dick.

-Good luck finding yourself.

-What?
Did you say something?

-When Mummenschanz goes bad.

-Uh-- no.

It goes in-- in the tank.

No.

-That's enough.

Get to the hangar.

-Cold called.

You're nowhere near the tank.

Warmer.

-Here's Katherine Hepburn
gassing up her plane.

-Guess nobody wants us, Henry.

-This is dark
night of our souls.

-Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

-Bye, Max.

-Ooh.

Flames.

-Is that Mrs. O'Leary's barn?

-Looks like Edy Sedgwick
fell asleep again.

-Oh, speaking of flaming,
it's about time to go.

-I've got things to do.

-Where's Crow going?

-You know, actresses always
run into a flaming building.

Hey, Crow, come back.

Hey.

Hey, little circuit guy.
What are you working on?

You kind of left the theater
in a hurry, you know.

-Yeah, what's the
hoodoo, skitter?

-Hey--uh-- dim the lights, guys.
I got something to show you.

Uh-- Cambot, play some of that
appropriately tension-filled

incidental music.

-What's this all about?

-We can't talk here?

-Aren't you being just
a bit overdramatic?

-Well, sure.

But I've stumbled upon
a plot that once exposed

will blow the lid off the
entertainment industry.

Did neither of you to stop
to consider for a moment

why Timothy Van Patten
is in this stupid film?

-Uh-- Patrick Swayze was busy?

-Good guess, but
I thought of that.

No, we're dealing with
something even more terrifying

than the Swayze conundrum.

I'm talking about a
plot more insidious.

Gentlemen, I present
for your consideration--

assist-- the Van Patten Project!

Sitting stop the Van Patten
corporate structure, Dick Van

Patten, or should I say, Don
Dick Van Bito Patten Corleone!

His evil plan-- to place
an annoyingly bad actor,

preferably one of his own
hellish drop, in every B grade,

made for TV and budget
film in Hollywood.

-Uh-- that would be all of them.

-His plan is quite simple.

He begins his career with
a lot of gadding about

in legitimate theater.

Then he snatches a plum role
in the television sitcom Mama.

The popular show runs until '56,
then, mysteriously, no Dick.

Fade to the '70s,
decade of shame,

Dick explodes across the
television screen with shows

like The New Dick Van Dyke
show and The Partners,

When Things Were Rotten,
and Eight Is Enough,

a show that launched
the criminal career

of many a young hack talent.

-Uh-huh.

-Now, Timothy Van
Patten comes forth

to do his evil in the
White Shadow, the Master.

Then James Van Patten
gets a small role

in the short-lived
western, The Chisholms.

And then what happens to him?

I don't know!

And then there's
Vincent, Vincent

who is truly abysmal in Apple's
Way and Three for the Road then

became the Bionic Boy.

At least he could
smell the bacon frying

and had the good sense to
become a tennis player!

The parallels with the
Godfather are inescapable.

-Sad when it happens to
somebody you know, isn't it?

-Yeah, I know.

-Anne or Joyce Van Patten.

Yes, Joyce, sister of
Dick, the real power

behind the Van Patten empire.

Joyce, like colleague
of theirs, grandmother,

plotting and planning
in the background,

a string of failures
in her wake!

The Don Rickles Show, The
Mary Tyler Moore Hour,

The Good Guys, Herb With Haybar,
Herb Elman, and Bob Denver,

a show I actually kind of liked
except for the third season

when Rufus got rid of
the taxi, and helped out

more in the diner.

You know, because then
it really kind of--

-Crow, Crow would you
please, get to your point?

-Uh-- I don't have one.

-That's great.

OK.
C'mon.

You're coming with me.

-Whoa!
Whoa!

-We'll be right back after this.

-Then we'll be building
from Willow Range

right across the airport.

-Congratulations, Johnny.

It's gonna be a beauty.

[SLURPING]

[GULPING]

[BURPING]

-Wonderful party,
Mr. Christensen.

-TV's Tony Danza.

-So what do you think?

-I think your shopping
center is premature,

considering you don't
own the ground yet.

-Yeah, well, so are you.

-And how did it go down?

-It didn't go down,
Mr. Christensen.

-How did you hear that?

-Like a big fireball.

-I'm sorry, I'm afraid I-- I
don't understand your remark.

-Maybe you can understand this--
you're dealing with real people

here.

-With Skiff Stevenston?

-The kind that builds
things and cares about them.

And can't be bought like
your Harvard flunky here.

-D'oh!
-Go ahead.

Blow up another airplane.

Set fire to the
whole damn airport.

Because you're not gonna
move Trumbull or his daughter

four feet off that
patch of earth!

Not if I can help it.
-Way to stick it to the man!

[APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING]

-That's not a
familiar name to me.

-Here's a name to get
familiar with-- Max Keller.

It's mine, and I want you to
get used to it because you're

gonna be hearing it a lot.
I'll be down at the DA's office.

-Because all the DAs are
named Max Keller now.

-Something tells me you're not
on the guest list, Mr. Keller.

-Long line of party crashers.

-Mr. Keller walked
into the wrong party.

See him out, will you?

-Enjoy the moment, pal.

Because it's just gonna be
a sweet memory in your 8

x 6 box with no shadows.
-You're in the next room.

Uh-- kegger's next
door, I believe.

-It's OK.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Just a little misunderstanding.

-Don't worry.

Just a Van Patten,
ladies and gentlemen.

All apart of the act.

[CHUCKLING]

-It's OK.

-Kyle, I want that
young man in jail.

-Then kill him.

-Cheers, Mr. Keller.

-Ooh, right on the gerbil.

-Oh, indoor or outdoor,
this is the best carpet

I've ever been thrown out on.

-I got thrown out.
-I figured.

-Uh-- I shop here
for my disco shirts.

-Even Rocky had to take a couple
lessons before he went back

in the ring with Clubber Lang.

-Club-- Clubber Lang?

These are fictional characters
you're talking about.

-Now, if I can't control your
passions, the least I can do

is teach you enough
to stay in one piece.

-I thought you'd never offer.

How do you know about Rocky?

You've been out of the
country for over 30 years.

-I saw him on the airplane.
-Yeah, I tried to walk out.

-Hell of a guy, isn't he?

-Ba-boom.

Ah.

-You're kidding with
this outfit, right?

-It's traditional.

We'll ease you into it.
Come at me.

No holds barred.

I'm going to kill you.

-We're getting into a
whole weird area now.

-You have got to be kidding me.

-Uncle.

-Hm?

-Hone your reflexes until you
react swifter than thought.

-Oh, now you tell me.

-Here, right?

-The center of your
being, inner strength.

-What about getting the outer
strength smacked out of you?

-That's something you should
also be concerned about.

Let's see how you kick.

-You know, black is so
slimming you can't even

see his gut anymore.

-Good.

-That was really-- uh-- ow!
Sonnuva.

-It was still good.

-What?

Now he's a-- he's a Wallenda?

Yup, yup, he sure is.

-A ninja must have
perfect balance.

-Sure.

That's Van Cleef, right?

He can hardly hoist
himself into the van.

-No, this is Lee Van Petit.

[CHUCKLING]

-I don't think so.

-Uh-- we really don't need
to see that-- want to.

David Carradine.

-And the judges give him a 9.7.

Nice dismount.

-Keep your eyes on the attack

-Keep your eye on the square.

-Kaboom.

-From in here, extend.

-And rake these leaves.

-Expect attack
from any direction.

Concentrate!

-What else you got
in that suitcase?

-When you're ready.
-That's a woozel.

His name is peanut.

-Oh, it's Queen
Latifah, of course.

-I can't hack it.

-Max.

-Yeah, but don't think I'm
walked away from Christensen.

I told him I was gonna
nail him, and I meant it.

The lesson.

-That's $45.50 cash.

-You have more tenacity than I
expected and speed and courage.

-And an agent who couldn't
guarantee a stunt double.

-Thanks.

It didn't do me a
damn bit of good.

-It showed you can
do more than fight,

and that you're
gonna have to do.

-Now you're beginning
to understand me.

-You have no choice.

You saw Kyle set the
fire at the airport,

you let Christensen
know who you are.

Unless you split town,

-All of a sudden it's a
Barnaby Jones wrap up now.

-In that chance, we'll
have to deal with this.

-We?

-I didn't like what
happened last night.

I didn't like that at all.

-It had no texture.

-Maybe the sheriff would like a
visit from a real, live ninja.

-That could be arranged.

Soon as I get my breath back.

-And some breath mints,
if you don't mind.

-What is it?

-Got my breath back.

Feels great.

-A presence.

Let's make that visit.

-He is one spooky mamajama.

-Than man in the
chainmail face-- next.

-I was working the day
watch out of Illinois, USA.

-You can throw your star at
the man who drives the car.

Woo-hoo, woo.

-Can I have a ride?

-Does that bug you?

Does that bug you?

-I hate magic acts.

-Cripes, and I'm
all out of cars!

[BEATBOXING]

-Wonder Woman!

While Wagner!

-Dummkopfs.

-Who was with you last night
when you torched the airport?

-I dunno what you're--
-Name 'em.

Name 'em.

-Phrase in the
form of a question.

-Rosetti, Palmer,
Johnson, Donahue.

-Who are they?

-The new Monkees.

-Police reserve.

-Oh.

-Every word passes
through the DA's office.

They'll be by directly.

Now where's Christensen?
-Kid--

-I can get mean and nasty.

My friend behind you,
you know, the one

dressed in black with
the samurai sword?

-Louise Nevilleson?

-You know how those
ninjas are, always

going around
beheading each other.

Barbaric, I know.

To them it's some
kind of ritual.

-Mhm.

-Know what I mean?

Now where's Christensen?

-Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll talk now.

Oh, I'm scared.
-Hey, Phil.

How are you?

-I like a man who
keeps his head?

Don't you?
-Haha.

Again you got me.

That is rich.

-Next-- on a very
special Trapper John.

-Grab the Mercedes
for good luck.

-There's a guard in the

A lot of monitors and security
guards at every floor.

-Well, shut up then.

-Boss is on the top floor.

How do we get up there?

-I would suggest you
use the elevator.

-How are you gonna get up there?
-I'll walk up.

-How are you gonna get up there?
-I'll walk up.
-I'll walk up.
-Ew.

-I'll walk up.
-Ew.

What did you eat?
-Stairs?

-The building.

-Sorry I asked.

-Hi, I'm here to
kill Mr. Christensen.

-Oh, go right up,
Mr. Van Patten.

-Max Keller to see
Mr. Christensen.

-Look it.

Oh, sorry.

You got a little mustard
down there from lunch.

-You shoulda gone down
like a sack of flour.

Sometimes an old-fashioned
right hand cross comes in handy.

-It's a paperweight
and it's a gun.

[BEATBOXING]

-Clu Gulager is that
character I can't think of.

-Master Ninja?
I hate that show.

-Hey, what're you doing there?

-Well, like I say,
always keeps a supply

of paintboard hooks
in your pocket.

You never know when
they'll come in handy.

-Jacks master.

-In color.

[BEATBOXING]

-Master Ninja.
-Aw, nuts.

That's my car.

-M-m-m-m-master Ninja.

-Cover your shame.

Ronsei, ninja doctor.

-Harris.

-That old man can
take care of himself.

-Huh?

-Hey, you don't suppose that
guy was supposed to be that guy?

And Queen Latifah!

-No way.

-Well, whoever he is,
his nose is whistling.

-And he was that guy?

Unbelievable!

He was in scene in the movie.

He was Demi Moore.

He was that gerbil.
He was--

-Crow, Crow, easy, easy, buddy.

And just grab the 7-iron.

-Clarence the cross-eyed ninja.

-He who removeth the
sword from its sheath

shall be the rightwise
born king of England.

-Compuge Co welcomes you.

-Hey, Lee.

You wanna check those
bags at the door?

-Woo.

-Woo.
-I think I'll check my

-I think I'll check my

[WHISTLING]

-Hi, I'm Bonnie, your
Compuge Co operator.

Oh, back to work.

-The ninja creeps in
on little cat feet.

-Am I in the right movie?

Hey, Lee, come over here a sec.
-Wait.

Whose theme music is that?

-Can he sneeze
through that thing?

He's wearing a Joe Namath netted
slingshot brief on his face.

-Yeah, meanwhile Timothy's
having a Nam flashback.

-Ooh.

-And over here of the 30th floor
Ernest and Julio Gallo wine

cellar.

-Christensen.
-Who is it!?

-Helicopter's a late, huh?

Too bad.

Your lawyer, Mr.
Havland and Sheriff Kyle

are both under arrest.
-Oh, they are?

I-- I have no idea
what's going on

-But of course you know that.

That's why you're
leaving in such a hurry.

-His office looks
like a Chi Chi's.

-Hey, bring me those nachos!

-Sometimes things just don't
work out the way you planned.

-Oh, and on top of it
all, he's a ventriloquist.

-I'm glad we had this chance
to meet again, Mr. Keller.

Otherwise your grandstand
play last night

wouldn't mean a thing, would it?

-'Cause it ain't got no swing.

-And your friends have had
a [INAUDIBLE] in this place.

-It's better late than never.

-Just one question.

-Could I use your fax machine?

-And what would that be?

-How do you plan on
getting up on the roof?

-Mm.

-You really think you
can stop me, Keller?

-Just keep talking, pal.

Keep talking.

[GUNSHOT]

-Oh, it's a
ventriloquist pistol.

[CHUCKLING]

-Say hello to folks, Remington.

-I got a bad feeling about
that knickknack shelf.

-I got a bad feeling about
that knickknack shelf.

-Uh-huh.
I see it.

-Hm.

-Kids, what was that?

-Nothing, mom.

-Good thing he studied with
that ninja for those 10 minutes.

-Check out, Jack.

-Wow, this movie is clueless.

Woohoo!

-Yeah, 'cause there's-- he died.

-Meanwhile in the other
incomprehensible plot,

Queen Latifah takes a--

-I've been expecting you.

-A ninja does not
betray his destiny.

You will die.

-OK, fine.
Just wait a second.

Let me park the tapedrop here.

-You didn't pay for
your leather mug!

-Why didn't he

he was watching
him from the tree?

-Those things are $4.50 a piece.

-OK.

One more, and then
to bed for you.

-I'll take him.

-Ooh.

-OK, you take him now.

-Huzzah.

-Oof.

-OK, OK, knock it off.

You're getting
obnoxious about it now.

-You know, Doris
is gonna be irked

if she sees this
mess in the morning.

-Yup.

-Up, there go the
financials for December.

-I-- I'll take him.

Ugh.

-Make 'em laugh!

Make 'em laugh!

-The nunchuks, Luke.

Use the nunchuks.

-Trust your feelings.

-Oh, a leather punch.

-Ooh.

-That thing's got everything.

-Oh, now you've ruined the
whole ambience of the room.

-I'll take it from here.
I'll clean up.

-You are a ninja.

Kill your enemy like
you've always done, kyojin.

-What?
A Kirin?

Ah, yeah.
I could go for a Kirin.

-Never again.

-No more raspberry gummies.

-There will be another time.

They will be coming for you.

-If you could just
take this off my chest,

and move it to the
side, it would be most--

-I'll be waiting.

-In all the old familiar places.

-Ow.

I always do that.

-Don't turn your
back on that guy.

-You see what he
did to me last time?

-He won't fight again tonight.

I'm certain.

Artery was severed.

-Boy , and he's
not even bleeding.

Who is he?

Okasa, now a ninja master.

Was one of my students.

-Sent to kill you.

What ancient little
gadget did you

use to sever Okasa's artery?

-My fingers.

-Sticky fingers.

-Sorry I asked.

-Not designed as a
real sword, only a toy.

Darn!

-Mendoza!

-Epilogue.

-Holly knows your daughter.

She's in Atlanta.

-Is she all right?

-Find that out
when you get there.

I can take you that far.

-Hm.

I hope she's into
big-ass medallions.

-Pretty.

-Symbol of my household.

It's what Okasa wanted.

-I don't get it.

-For another man to
possess it, would mean I

was no longer alive.

-You guys got your
own set of rules.

No one else can play, huh?

-Yeah, and I'm always
the banker, punk.

-I was taught the secrets
of the ninjas for a purpose.

So that I might
pass them on the way

my master passed them on to me.

-And I end up with a
has-been from White Shadow.

-Anyway, what good is a ninja
teacher without a student.

-Well, those who
can't ninja, teach.

-Hey, here comes Betty Jo.

Hi!

-Hi, Betty Jo.

-I've met people
way cooler than you!

-Let's roll, folks.

-Say hi to the brat pack!

-You're getting scary again.

-Yes, yes.

Found myself in
Japan after the war.

Boy, talk about tranquil Woo.

Ha, let me tell you.

But anyway I got to
know some ninjas.

Hey, they're great
guys, and I they're

thick as flies over there.

Well, one thing led to
another, and I found myself--

-Yaa!

You're impressed at
Occidental Roser.

Me and my scary theme music will
follow you and your [INAUDIBLE]

swill to the ends of the Earth.
-Saki.

-And then I will--

[LAUGHTER]

-Come here!

You and your cheap,
cheap, Japanese--

-You can tell-- you can
tell by my theme music

that I'm a typical American.

You wanna see the
way we leave a bar?

Whoa!

-The power of my music is
the weakness of my music!

You with your crummy
oriental accent!

Grr.

-There's nothing like a good
old-fashioned left hook!

-Ow!

-Hey, cool it, you guys.

-Hey, hey, Gypsy, what
are you supposed to be?

-Gee, Gee.

-Don't you wanna be Demi Moore?

-It's show--

-Don't even think
about it, Frank.

Send him the movie.
-Time.

[SHOUTING]

-We got movie sirens coming!

-Uh-- could we see
a menu, please?

-That's Kelly Pattersen.

She was the girl standing
next to your door.

-Sleep!

-Her old man runs this place.

I'll try and catch
her after this dance.

We don't wanna integrate you too
fast into modern day society.

-Good point.
-All right.

You go talk the pretty girl.

I'll talk to her father.

-What a pal.

-Any time.

-I love the way they banter.

Such chemistry!

-Uh-- Miss, could we please
get some bread or something?

-She owes me $5.

[SNIFF]

-Staying a guy, staying a guy.

-Jack Perkins?

-No!

Oh, yeah.

-Jack, no!

-Oh my.

-Hey, what happened
to Demi Moore?

This is getting weird.
-Oh yeah.

-Oh, swing it, Lee.

Woo.

Look at him go.

Oh my god.

What happened to her other leg?

Oh.
There it is.

-Woo.

Woo.

-Mrs. Ironside in color.

[WHISTLING]

-She's something isn't she?

-A true spirit
permeated with joy.

-And she moves great.

-You betcha.

-We're bald and we're bonding.

-A question-- where's Jill?

-She's watching old
movies, Mr. Pattersen.

-Mr. Pattersen?

-I'll be right with you.

-He's a queer duck, eh?

-Woo.

Woo.
Woo.

-I-- uh-- hate to burst
your bubble, but she stinks.

-No one's allowed backstage.

-It's Alan Thicke!

-Oh.

-Oh-- uh-- Kim.

-Just enjoy the show.

-Hi, we're here
to buy everything.

-Fusion jazz is
for all cultures.

-Now that's one way to
get service I suppose.

-Perhaps you can help us.

-Candy-coated popcorn
peanuts and a prize.

-We've come to
see Mr. Pattersen.

-In the office over there.

-Thank you so much.
-Oh no.

Thank you.

-Looks like Clarence
Thomas's wife.

-It does.

-Oh, Lee.

Don't worry.

She's used to it.

The Kennedys come here a lot.

-You'd think with
all the roughnecks

we get in this place
I'd be used to it.

-You were right to be afraid.

-Be very afraid.

-My, but you are
a sensitive male.

See you.

-Oh, it's the other
side of the mountain.

-What are you doing, Jill?

-I'm watching you and
mother dance the waltz

from Lady Be Good.

-Down in front, old man!

-Ah, you know, Fred
Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

Love them.
-Look at that lift.

Look at the way you moved.

You were so graceful.

-Yet so effeminate.

-I'll just bet you had
Mr. Astaire shaking

in his dancing pumps.
-I was his dresser actually.

-I don't think he
was shaking too hard.

-You think it's kind of sicko
for the leader of a wheelchair

brigade to get such a charge out
of watching other people dance?

-Yes, actually.

-I don't mean the
way my sister dances.

That's not dancing.

-It's typing.

-That's aerobics.

Now what you did was dancing.

Bet you could still do it, too.
If you really wanted to.

-Maybe if I had a hip.

-You're right, dad.

With some hot towels on my
legs at half hourly intervals,

couple of FDR canes.
-Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah.

-I might be able to
manage a couple of steps.

-A cane didn't hurt
Mr. Astaire's career.

-Oh, bite me.

-Don't you just hate
dealing with it?

An ex-hoofer with two
daughters, one wheels,

the other cartwheels.

-One is shy and retiring, and--
uh-- one has a smart mouth.

-Ooh, touche.

-My sister, shy and retiring?

The decade's answer
to Isadora Duncan?

-What?

She wears scarves?

-That's angry Jill.

-Sorry.
I'm bitter.

-I wonder what she calls me.

-Gimped?

-Oh, that's mean.

-Isn't that what
you call yourself?

-Hey, now.
Wait a minute.

I took two steps yesterday.
-Time to go, honey.

-I know.

-Oh.

This is my favorite part.

This is your audition
for the dancing pirate.

This-- this is a blast.

-You were really gadding it up.

-We'd like to buy

-Mr. Pattersen, how
good to meet you

in person after all
those phone calls.

I'm Jonathan Chan,
and this is Mr. Lika.

-Uh-- are you related
to Mr. Phlegm.

-Would you excuse
us, young lady?

Your father and I have some
important business to discuss.

-In a pig's eye.

-Jill, come on.

-One pigs, one sweats.
-Watch your feet, gentlemen.

I'm lethal with this thing.
You mind?

-Ooh, my foot.

Oof.

-So let's talk business.

-There's a little
trouble up front.

-Big China.

-While Attila the
Hun was distracted,

I saw my chance
to get backstage.

This was gonna be easy.

-At first.
-Oops.

[CHATTERING]

-Hey, can I get
my pencil in here?

OK, give me the number.

OK.

-Thank god I lost my
peripheral vision in the war.

-Hey, what is this? "Dream
On" all of a sudden?

-Hey.

Don't take your
hand from your eyes

you're gonna walk into the wall.

-You got a D cup
or it's a-- decaf.

Decaf.

-You really shouldn't
be back here.

Our bouncer has a small
personality problem.

-Who?

Attila the Hun?

We're pals.

-Kelly Pattersen,
I'm Max Keller.

Looking for a girl.

-New or used.

-If the stars are in the
right places it'd be you.

The name's Terry.

You know her?

-Uh-- no dancer
here named Carrie.

Look.

We're on a break now, and
I've gotta go meet someone.

Sorry.
-Yeah, but I--

-Sorry.

-Just take a look at
this picture and see if--

-Is it my breath?

-Wasn't as easy as I thought.

-And it's time for
the bouncer to get

into his spandex leotard.

-Mwah!

-Kelly did mention a small
personality problem of yours.

-Yeah, you hate Van Pattens.

-It's the Battle of
the Network Has-beens!

-Woo.

-Yeah, that's for all of that
Patten getting kicked out

of bars.
-How do you like this, pal?

Here's a little warning.
-Uh-oh.

Seven years bad acting.

-Need more practice.

-I told you eight is enough!

-So seven years bad luck.

Meanwhile, the
master was getting us

into even more trouble.

-Snapping off car antennas
in the parking lot.

-You ninja masters
blend in so well.

-Hm.

Especially in discos.

-Like the roots of a great
oak, we take hold where we can.

-The only protection I need
is from people like you.

Now get out.

-Isn't everyone
here really phony?

-I cannot move.

-That's an unusual
insignia on your ring.

-An ancient household
going back for centuries.

-Knights of Columbus?
-Yes, I know.

-You and I and Butterflyman?

-We've been told to leave.

Let's go.

-Come on, man.

That Jack Perkins
guy really scares me.

-I may leave when he lets me go.

-Tonight on Ninja Master,
Lee Van Cleef and Sho Koshugi

in a deadly game
of cat and mouse.

-The old man hired you.

-I am not for hire.

-We are all for
hire in dark times.

-The dark times have gone.

-Are you guys speaking
in haiku all of a sudden?

Whoa.

-Night is always
with us, master.

-Could we get to the point?
Geez, what a drip.

-What? she's giving
herself her autograph?

-Taking her own order.

-Here's her last address.

-Oh.

Oh, he's so adorable.

-Spooky chick.

-One glimpse of those blue eyes,
and every girl falls for him.

I've gotta learn his technique.

So when's the last
time you saw Terry?

-Terry Thomas?

-About a week ago.
Look.

I hope your friend isn't
it expecting to find--

-No!

-She's really messed up.

Drugs.

-Yeah, she ran out.

-So how'd you get
past good old Attila?

-He carries some cute little
tricks around with him.

Like this.

-Oh, that's the
blade from my mixer.

-He's just leaving.
-Here's your gerbil.

-Daylight already.

I didn't realize we
were in there so long.

-Hey-- hey, that's Nancy Kulp
Nancy Kulp just walked by!

-What the hell was
that all about?

-This is not a toy.

You only throw a shuriken
against another human being

in self-defense.

You ever again take another
weapon out of my case,

you be prepared to use
it against your enemy,

even if it's me.

-And stop using my toothbrush.

-I'd rather not.

-Not yet anyway.

-I guess you don't respect
what you don't understand.

-I don't respect why
this movie was made.

-Amen.

-Kelly's address
and phone number.

-All right.

-I managed to get
that much before you

hauled me out of there.

The other address
is your daughter's.

-Kelly knows her?

-She knows a girl
named Terry, who

used to be a dancer and a pilot.

-Terry & the Pilots!

-It doesn't necessarily
mean she's your daughter.

-Let's find out.

-I'll do the driving.

You fill the [INAUDIBLE]
with shurikens.

-What?

You wanna translate
that for us, Tim?

-Get a windsock for the
microphone next time

you do an outdoor scene.

Come on!
-I don't understand.

-They're leaving now.
-I know.

I'm sitting next to you.

-Now comes the fun part--
riding with a ninja.

-We'll be the judge of that.

-Chevy van, a good,
modern production.

-We're being followed.

-Of course, we are.

We're in an action-packed
made for TV movie.

-Quick.

Take a turn here on
Steven J Canal Boulevard!

-Well, here's a surprise.

You're already canceled!

-Flubber!

-Woohoo!

-Flubber!

-Woohoohoohoohoo!

-Remember Bullitt?

Think of me as Paul Newman.

-Steve McQueen.

-Oh, right.

-Ha.

Yup.

Paul Newman, Steve McQueen,
Timothy Van Patten--

the legends.

Ha.

The legends.

-We turn here at David
Hasselhoff Boulevard.

-You know what they're doing?

They're just trying to keep away
from the set of What's Up Doc?

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]
-That's-- we're

-That's-- we're

or, is that a star street?

-Who are those guys?

-Assassins.

-Sent by Okasa?
-Bob Costas?

-No.

A man like Okasa.

A ninja.

-You just naturally run into
these fellow ninjas everywhere

you go?

I mean, can't you
just shake hands?

Do you have to show you
can outkill each other?

-He must believe I was in the
club to help Charlie Pattersen.

-Well, what's his problem?

[GUNSHOT]

-Tell me later.

-Yeah, but within that
last half-hour, please.

-Hey, this is a school zone.
Please!

[GUNSHOT]
-He's got a silencer, huh?

-Oh no.

They're being chased
by David Sandborn.

[GUNSHOT]

-Oh, Routine 27.
They fall for it every time.

-Pull over when you can?

-Pull over?

-Ah, I gotta to the
little ninja's room.

-Throw a star.
-Hold it.

Hold it.

-Yep, yep.

Once again, the pursuing vehicle
is driven by stupid people.

-I didn't know what
he was gonna do.

-So I did a voiceover.

-But don't think
I wanted to know.

-Hey, if the van's a-rocking.

Haha.

-I feel like snorkeling.

Pick me up in an hour.

-Well, it is a good way
to blend in San Francisco.

Dress like a mime.

-Calvin Klein jeans.

-Where's Demi Moore?

This movie's gone off in a
whole different direction.

-Where'd he go?

-I hear his theme music.
He's around here somewhere.

-Oh. he went to Outward Bound.

-I'll back up.

-He's s lineman for the county.

-Oh, he's going to
make prank phone calls.

-You know, this has all the
continuity of a fever dream.

-Hey, look.

The stunt guy's
got a facemask on.

What's going on?

-I wouldn't touch this
movie with a 12 foot pole.

-A 50 foot pole.

-Like Bolenza?

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Lee Van Cleef.

-Yeah right.

[CHUCKLING]

-Thomas, Seward, Edward, cat.

-Hey, you think that guy up on
the wire's a little looking?

-Nah.

-Bring it in.

That's right.

Bring it in, Just like that.

-That hurts.

Put you in the--

-Go, Ninja Master,
on top of the car.

-Hi, could you give me a
lift to the gas station?

-Now this is somewhat similar

I mean the first
part of the movie.

-Silly String Ninja, in color.

[LAUGHTER]

-That's really rich.

-This is starting to get
a little unbelievable.

-This is no place
for a convertible!

-TV movie!

TV movie, TV movie.

-Oh no, I'm on tarot.
-All right.

Drop the steering
wheel, and come with us.

-You'll find me pleasing.

-I squint, therefore I am.

-Sho Koshugi pops
the clutch and tells

Van Cleef to eat his dust!

-Oh, ninjas never had those.

-Damn. he knows Doug Henning.

-You all right?

-Yeah, but I'm out $20.

Let's head back to
the magic store.

-Stealing gag was a classic.

-[MUMBLES] classic.

-The diving school.

-You call the cops?

And tell them you
were the driver that

forced another car off the pier.

-D'oh.

-Maybe we should pass.

-A stone.

-Now you're gonna tell
me who these guys are?

-It's a family affair.

They're moving out of Chinatown
into a new neighborhood, only

Charlie Pattersen's
a stubborn old man.

And he won't pay protection.

-No wonder you liked him.
-Hey, hey.

Zing me again.

-Well, our ex-hoofer
doesn't understand

who he's dealing with.

He's gonna have to be convinced.

Let's go.

Meanwhile, in Las Vegas.

-Oh, I had the Buddha Delight.

It was real reasonable
here at Golden Pagoda.

-Dear Mr. Pattersen appeared
to have a more powerful friend

than I imagined.

-We need a little
more to bargain with.

-We'll send them
Pink Lady and Jeff.

Like his daughter.

Pick up the dancer.

Well, that shouldn't
be too hard.

To

-DJ Truffleberries,
try the Phantoozler.

-We're in this love together.

-I got a love that-- time.

-If I hear anymore John
Demer, I'll kill myself.

-What is this?
Ice castles?

-Tonight on rendezvous theater.

-Oh.

Oh, baby.

Baby, I love you so much, baby.

You can dance with me, baby.

I'll still love you.

I love you, baby.

-Are you padding out the film?

Cut it out!

-Hey, check out my AA medallion.

Spent the morning 12-stepping
the van Patten kid.

-OK, honey.

Now you're just
being self-indulgent.

-Thanks a lot.

I'll be back out at 11.

-She is one spooky chick.
-Mhm.

-Look at what she's wearing.

She looks like she
works at Arby's.

-May I take your order, please?

-Get up!

Get up, walk!

You've never given up on
anything in your-- well,

actually I haven't
know you that long.

-Walk 'cause you're
filled with love.

walk 'cause you have
to believe in yourself.

-A very special
Hallmark Hall of Fame.

-Walk, because you want
to walk and see it.

-Whoa, she's been shot!

-Lee, you can jump
in anytime here.

-C'mon!

Give me 20.
C'mon.

One, that's one half of one.

-Here goes.

You're alone.

-Boy, that parquet
floor must really sting.

-Butter.

-I can't do this.
-No kidding.

-Yes, you can.
I t comes from the heart.

-Who's there?

He's right in front of
you for crying out again.

-Sometimes we can do
things for strangers.

-I've always depend on
the kindness of strangers.

-Will somebody speak up!?

-You can do it.

I make up my own steps.
-What?

Huh?
Louder!

-Imagine a silken cord being
split out from here, your ki.

One more step.
-Oh, I see that helps.

One more step.
-Oh, I see that helps.
-Oh, I see that helps.
Thank you.

-Oh, I see that helps.
Thank you.

I missed most of what
you said, but I'm

sure it was supposed
to be encouraging.

-You can do it.

-She's transfixed by his dewlap.

-Ah, you drooled all
over my turtleneck.

-You were fantastic, Lee.

-I'd appreciate it if you'd
take me back to my chair now.

-I've been in this
restaurant for 10 minutes,

and I've yet to be seated.

-Doesn't anybody
sleep in this movie?

It's like 10 in the morning
there for crying out loud.

-Uh-- mind if I
ask you a question?

Just what the heck do you have
to do with the plot anyhow?

-It's a plot.

-Look.

You-- uh-- did your
good deed for the day.

Sorry it didn't work out
for either one of us.

Nah, he's gone for
his ninja merit badge.

-If you're here to see the
dancing, you're a little late.

My sister Kelly's departed.

-Uh-- keep talking.

I can't remember my lines.

-Must be tough.
-What?

Having a big sister that
moves like an angel.

It's a trip.

And watch her every night.

-Hey, that's your business.

-Gimps get-- uh--
very vicarious.

-The correct term is
physically So challenged.

-Why are you here?
-I came to see your father.

-About a horse.

-Who are you?

-John Peter McAllister.

-John Jacob
Jingelheimer Schmidt.

And you?

-I'm Jill Pattersen, the--

-Gimp.
-Geez.

Ouch.

-Handles are dangerous things,

-I know, love handles.

-And once you start
walking, you won't

be called a gimp any longer.

-Well, you shouldn't be calling
her a gimp now, dickweed.

-Well, those steps
did feel pretty good.

I kept weight on 'em
like I was putting

one foot right in
front of the other.

-That's pretty much the concept.

-Like I was walking, you know.

-Looked that way.

-Jill.

-Ah, there's Jack Perkins.

-Ah, pops.
There's someone here to see you.

-The battle of the turtlenecks,
and Lee's not wearing one.

-You are very good with her.

-She walked up here first.

When she does that, she'll do.

-You seem to have taken quite
an interest in my family.

-You can handle that
protection by yourself, not

against those boys.

-What kinda skull
wax do you use?

-They're more than
just gangsters.

They're even the Tong Sect.

They're ninja.

I'll explain.

Where's Kelly?

-Uh-- at her day job.

-That master had sent
me to protect Kelly.

But I wasn't fast enough.
-Gym socks!

No!

-Hey, I was gonna do that.

-Timothy Van Patten
is Hard To Kill.

-Excellent.

I see that your master
has found himself a pupil.

I will attempt to be
a worthy adversary.

-Hagar Action Slacks.

-Got the whole
action suit there.

-That's for the White Shadow.

I hated that show.

-And that's for Eight is Enough.

Tell your dad.

-Now where's that sock?

[WHISTLING]

-Nothing going on.

Nothing at all.

-Let's hide people
under the stairs.

-What a pity your lessons
had to end so abruptly.

-Now maybe he can take
his ninja equivalency exam

and get a certificate.

[MUMBLING]

-DJ Truffleberies.

Try the [INAUDIBLE].

Four fractured ribs.

-Check out the
chromedomes in this scene.

-Too fast.

Couldn't move.

-No way you coulda stopped them.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Hello, 1900-DANCE-BELT.

-Mr. Pattersen.

-New Jersey?

-I regret the measures
you forced us to take.

However, I'm certain that after
our initial misunderstanding,

the business between
us will be gentlemanly.

You'll withdraw $20,000
from the bank today.

-I haven't got that kind
of money to withdraw.

-Oh, some bonds cashed in,
some-- some shares sold.

-Yeah, some shares sold.

Yeah.

-A little austerity's good
for the soul, Mr. Pattersen.

Speak to your daughter,
who's in good health,

if a little scared.

But that's only natural.
-Here.

It's for you.
It's your dad.

-Daddy, there's a boy outside.

His name is Wang.

-I'm fine.

Don't give him anything.

Don't--
-No.

At least wait until they
cut a chunk of my ear off.

-No harm will come to her,
because both you and I

understand that you're
going to cooperate.

-Yeah, cooperate.
Yeah, pretty much.

-And the man we
saw in your club,

he will leave San Francisco.

You have until 3
o'clock this afternoon.

-But that's when my soap's on.
-I'll get the money.

-I know you will.

We will call your
office at 3 o'clock.

And please, don't
disappoint me Mr. Pattersen.

I so hate to be disappointed.

Bye, sir.

-Hey, don't pad your part, Desi.

C'mon.

-Man, she cries at
the opening of a bank.

-We'll find her.

She's gotta be somewhere
Chinatown, right?

-Many doors will be closed.

Few will hear you.

All you'll see in
there eyes is fear.

-Cause they know your father.

-Then we'll search from
one end to the other.

-Not by 3 o'clock.

Can you withdraw
that kind of money?

-I'll have to put
a lien on the club.

Oh, what they hey, tip it over.
-But I can do it.

-I don't believe
what I'm hearing.

-I do.

-You were just going
to give in to them?

Pay the ransom?

Sell out?

Is that what a real
ninja would do?

-I'm not a real ninja,
but I play one on TV.

-Illusion.

Give them what they expect
and they'll believe it.

-What do we really do?

-The unexpected.

-I don't like this.

-They'll see us coming.

-Not if we send
the right person.

Jill, I need your help.

-All right, ready, guys?
-Yo.

-Hai, wakarimashita.

-I'm Joel Robinson.

-And I'm Tom Servo.

-And I'm Titi's
wisecracking Crow.

-And who can forget
this lovable guy?

It's my classic
self-defense device

for farmers-- nun-clucks.

Get it?

-Now that's a
special memory, eh?

-Now, in the spirit
of today's movie,

"Master Ninja," we've come
up with a whole gaggle

of lovable chuck ideas.

-You see, we've taken the
classic Japanese nunchaku--

or the bastardized American
nunchuck-- and spoon!

-Right, exactly.
-Yeah.

After all, what is a nunchuck
but two things on a chain.

-Yeah.
-Right.

So for instance, a clumsy ninja
would use these-- thumb-chucks.

-Yeah, also known
as dumb-chucks.

-Good one.

-Oh, and for
Dominican ninja's who

are dressed in black
anyway, we offer nunchuks,

-Woo hoo.

Benedict's got all the dominoes.

Sorry, ladies.

But you know, for
meat-lovers, they're

going to flip over these
classic ground-chucks.

Yeah.
Woo hoo.

-All right, heat them up, eat
them up, and summon the earl up

with these up-chucks.
-Oh.

-Ew.

Hey, drinking man?

-It's all in fun.

-Junior at St. Cloud State?

Hey, knock your friends
on they sorry butts

with a trendy Captain
Morgan Spiced rum-chuck.

-Aikiba.
-Oh, blow the man down.

Say, Crow, and
speaking of butts,

there's no better segue
into my own butt-chucks.

-Oh, come on.

-That's-- that's
a little bit rich.

-Now that is a little too far.
-Oh, lighten up, you guys.

It's just a couple
of rubber gag butts.

Jeez.

-Well, you know what?

It's so easy, why don't you
write some chuck ideas at home?

As long as it's done
tongue-in-cheek.

-Yeah, in fact, why don't you?

Hey, mail your chuck
ideas to Chucks,

care of Mystery Science Theater
3000, Information Club, PO Box

5325, Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343.

You'll be glad you did.

Maybe we'll read
them on the air.

-Yeah.

We're even going to help
you get started here.

For instance, you might call
these lamby soft weapons

of vengeance chuck-worries.

We'll be back in
two minutes of two.

-Hey, it's Mrs. Ironside.

Tonight's episode, Tea
House of the August Murder.

-Oh.
Ah, so?

-Well, it's a good thing
Chinatown's wheelchair

accessible, yeah?

-Yeah, here's hoping.

There we go.

-(FEMALE VOICE) Oh, uh, hi.

I'm selling candy bars, mister,
for my school marching band.

-Let me see the money.

-Will this ransom
be cash or charge?

-$20,000-- that's almost enough
for a month's rent in San

Francisco.

-Where's my sister?

-Safe.

-This is supposed to be an
exchange-- the money for Kelly.

-Your sister will
be returned to you.

-Oh, we sent her regular mail.

Might take about a day.

-Oof, oh.

-He hit the assistant director.

-Ouch.

Oh.

-If I could only get
out of this chair.

-Hey, if we could only
get out of this movie.

-Be glad that you can't.

-Hm?

[WHISTLING]

-Hop in.

You'll have to throw that
baby seat in the back.

My wife's got the Cadillac.

-Hm, nice car.

Oh, wait.

Looks like trouble
with the transmission.

-You're next.

-Ninja Auto Mechanic, in color.

Da da da.

Hey, what's that fool
doing near that car?

Goodevening.

Choom choom.

-See that?

What a dick weed.

-Let's hope they fall
for the unexpected.

-Ow, ow, ow.
Bad idea.

Ow.

-Hey, mister, your
ninja's dragging.

-Flubber!

-Now, how much would you pay
for these patented Ginzu Ninja

Grippers?
Wait, there's more.

-What happened to his bad back?

-Oh, no, no.

That was in the last
episode-- oh, I mean,

the last half of the movie.

-You know, I get the feeling
everybody in this movie

had a bad childhood.

I don't know, but--

-Yep.

-Ugh, water.

Ugh, water.

-Anwar Sadat, in color.

-Stop that.

-It's fun.

-Yep, they're really
inconspicuous.

Yep, can't just-- blending in.

-Wait a minute.

I had one of those
in a goldfish bowl.

-Maybe that's the way in.

-It's a crazy idea, but it
just might wok-- I mean, work.

-Back in the [INAUDIBLE].

-So like a jerk, he hangs
under the truck and gets all--

-Something's happened
to your friend.

-Not to him.

-I didn't even see him.

-That doesn't mean
he wasn't there.

[PHONE RING]
-Beep.

Hi, I'm Jim Rutherford, and
I'm not in right now, but--

-Yeah, it's a phone.

I'm almost certain.

-Charlie Pattersen.

-Charlie Pattersen.

Charlie Pattersen.

-Starring Pat Curl.

-$20,000 as promised.

You didn't disappoint
me after all.

-When will my
daughter be returned?

-Hey, you said we could
have her 'til Wednesday.

-I understand from
the bank you had

to take out a lien on your club.

Too much of a financial
strain in these hard times.

-Hey, blame it on Ronald Reagan.

-You will sign the
lien over to me.

I will pay it.

the club will then
be mine, of course.

Oh, but you must stay on.

-Oh.

-The customers would
be so disappointed.

-If that's what it'll take
to bring my daughter back.

-This sounds like extortion.

-Have it arranged
by tomorrow morning.

She'll be with you for lunch.

-It would be fun
to run a nightclub.

I think it would be
fun to run a nightclub.

-You stay here at
the club, and we'll

both be back tonight with Kelly.

He's not doing this alone.

-Mm mm.

No way.

-Oh-- letter opener.

-[MUMBLES]

-I thought this
was a partnership.

-Too dangerous.
-What?

That little chase in the
streets this morning--

you don't suppose that had
just a small element of danger

in it?
-What?

-What am I?

The chauffeur?

-I told you, when you're ready.

-I'll tell you what
I'm not ready for.

I'm not ready to
see Kelly killed.

I'm not ready to see you
go off into the sunset

against that pack of wolves.

I'm not ready to
be shot at, driven

at, or kicked in the face.

-And I'm not ready to
take acting lessons.

-But you are ready
to get killed?

-Well, yeah.

-With you around, how
could you let that happen?

-I suppose you'd only follow me.

-Believe it.

-I believe it.
You ready for your ninja robes?

-Are they as goofy as yours?

-I'm still working up to that.

Though I do have a black outfit.

Jeans and a turtleneck.

How about a weapon?

-Hold it.

-No, not by the edge.

No.

-It'll make you feel better.

-If you put it in
the right place.

-I wouldn't think of it.

-Meanwhile, in downtown Fargo.

-Let's see.

Oh, Beverly's Hills.

[BEATBOXING]

-You know, I've got the
money, the club, and the girl,

yet I feel empty.

Why?
Why?

-Bring the girl to me.

-I desire to discuss
philosophy with her.

-Ninja bow and arrow
sold separately.

-Shh.

-I knew he'd find a way
to get me on a tightrope.

-Timothy Van Patten, master of
the non-sequitur voice-over.

[CRASHING]

-Hey, what's going on out there?

-Hey, some of us
work for a living.

-Shut up.
Quiet.

-Shut up.
Quiet.
Quiet.
Shut up.

Quiet.
Shut up.

Shh.

-It's getting back
that worries me.

-You hear anything?

-Hm?
No.

-All right, Cool
Train live in Japan.

-Someone, please help.

Help!

-Smart hostages,
foolish choices.

Today on Oprah.

-I hear you're
quite a performer.

Dance for me.

-All right.
-I really want to direct.

You're a dancer.
Dance!

-Well, you're an actor.

Act!
[MUSIC PLAYS]

-Did you say dance?

[BEATBOXING]

-You don't mean it.

Put your heart into it.
[CRYING]

-I want to get
physical, physical--

[CRYING]

-Uh, uh, never mind.

-Do you write short
stories maybe?

-This is wild, I swear.

-I can't.

I can't.

-We know.

We know.

-Hey, who's the Arab woman?

-It's Lee.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Good night, Mr. Chan.

-Wherever you are.

-Oh.
Roll 'em away.

-He must be using selective gas.
-Yeah.

-I guess so.
It's all right.

Kelly, we're your only
chance out of here.

-There's only one way.

-My way or the highway.

-How?

-The highwire between
the buildings.

-I couldn't.

-You'll have to.

-Hey, you dance for strangers.

You can walk on a
tightrope for me.

-Max, get the money.

-Sure thing, Mr. H.

-Hey, they spent $20
of it for a pizza.

-Is that a stuntman?

-Are you kidding?

While they were
filming this, Lee

was in his trailer
sipping a pina colada.

-No, I can't do this.

-Yes, you can.

I'll help you.

-No, I can't.

I can't do it.

-Take my hand.
-No.

-'m a stranger in paradise.

-Come on, take it.

I won't let you fall.

-Come on, take my hand!

-I'm not going to
take your hand!

-Take the-- take my hand!

-I'm not going to
take your hand!

-Take my hand!
-Come on, take it easy.

Hey, hey, hey.

Shh.
-Witness, ladies and gentlemen.

-The witness sketch.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
please direct your attention

to the highwire above.

-That's right.

It's the circus of
the second-rate stars.

-OK.

-Listen to my voice.

-Sleep!
-There's nothing below you.

There's nothing around you.

-Water above you.

-You've got no talent,
and you can't dance.

-As I step back,
you step forward.

-We come together 'cause
opposites attract.

-That's it.
-No, no.

-That's it.

-No, no.

And you won't fall unless I do.

-Jinx it.

-And I won't fall.

-Jinx it.

-They're up on the wire,
half is flame, half is fire.

-Boo!

-Tension.
-Don't look down.

-I didn't.

I was so relaxed, I nodded off.

-Oh.

-Almost there.

-That's Melissa Sue Anderson,
ladies and gentlemen.

Give her a hand.
[CHEERING]

-Let's give her a warm
round of applause.

She's doing a great job.

Yay!

-Now it was my turn.

-To do another
unnecessary voice-over.

-Night said the chances
of tightrope walking

in San Francisco were slim.

With the Master around, you
could do it every night.

-What are the
chances of falling?

-Yeah, just fall.
-Yeah.

-Come on.

-Bounce it.

Don't need the rope.
Don't need the rope.

-Noonan.
Noonan.

-Come on, Max.

You can do it.

-If not, can I have your van?

-Don't look down.

-You don't have a
wire cutter on you?

-Banana peel.

-If he falls, are
we going to have

to watch his life
pass before his eyes?

I don't think I can take it.

Dad's first, "Eight is Enough."

Call back.

Brother Vincent's
first tennis lesson.

Visits from Aunt
Joyce the day he

realized he was
untalented enough

to star on a
primetime action show.

Oh myst--

-Ah.
-Sorry.

-Take it easy.

-Really.

-Don't hang this rope.

-Almost there.

Don't lose it.

-Oh.

-Boo.

[GROAN]

-Now they do what they should
have done in the first place

and walk downstairs and
go out the front door.

-Master.

-Osaka, hi.

I haven't seen you since
the first episo-- I mean,

that first part of the movie.

-They are of no concern to me.

-Or us.

-They can go.

-But not without these
lovely parting gifts.

-Tell them about it, Johnny.

-You just think I'm
going to leave--

-Get her out of here.

-Uh, getting her
out of here, sir.

-Go on.

-Go on, for crying out loud.

You're free.

You got 20 grand.

Take her out for dinner.

-Hey, you got enough sticks
in your drawers there?

-Hu hu.

Woof.

-Can you tell that I'm
sticking my tongue out at you?

Na na na.

-Uh oh, I just passed
wind in my suit.

I ask you as a point of
honor, give me a second.

-With a bum, and
a chup and a chop,

and a kick and a big hiya.

-A grand slice.

-Boy, Jackie Chan, he's not.

He's not even Charlie Chan.

-He's not even Charlie Callas.

-No, he's not even Maria Callas.

He's not even Maria
Conchita Alonso.

-Will you guys stop it, please?

-Chiquita Banana with a
bung, and a boom, and a whoo!

-Stop it.
Just stop it.

-Well, one thing's
for sure, they

both have more inner rage
than they're willing to admit.

-(SINGING) Tumble out of bed,
and stumble in the kitchen.

Pour myself a cup of ambition.

-Hey, what are
they fighting over?

The fryer exhaust at Arby's?

-Yeah, I think so.

-Looks like.

You know, these
Robert Bly weekends

are getting more
and more intense.

-You know, last week,
I made a big mistake--

I went to a Carol Bly weekend?
Oh, really?

How?

-I lost my liver
in San Francisco.

-So these are Morris
dancers gone horribly wrong.

-That's what I'd say.

Niagra Falls.

Slowly, I turned.

Inch by inch.

Step by step.

Just a little bit closer.

-And now, commence fighting!

-Yeah?

Well, you fight
like a Van Patten.

-Oh, that's not fair in a fight.

-I just got done
fighting Shazam.

-Where are you?

-Jeepers.

-Hey, Shamir, don't you
have a kid's party to go to

or something?

-My friend, time for you to die.

-Well, that's gre-- huh?

-Scarecrow and Mrs.
King, in color.

-Stop that.
-Sorry.

-(SINGING) Scarecrow.

-Scare me.

-Lee, you know, even for
you, that's pretty lame.

-Saved by the bell.

-D'oh.

-TJ Trufflehoofers,
try the Phanthoosler.

-I'm a ninja warrior.

-Oscar's back, and
he's wild as ever.

That's right.

-You know, I love a
nice foppish dance.

-Yeah, me too.
-Yeah.

-Uh huh.

-Yes, this is from my 1935
film, The Prancing Ninny.

-Hey, Lee.

Tuck in the shirt,
and suck in your gut.

Or suck in your gut
and tuck in your shirt.

-You know, Prince stole
everything from him.

-Why?
-Oh yeah.

-Yeah, you know,
they used to call me

$3 Bill Bojangles
Robinson, Mr. Mayor.

[GASP]

-Hey look.

Pam Dawber's impressed.

-Oh, a couple of
power of authority.

-You think he moved great back
then, ladies and gentlemen.

We're going to show you the
Charlie Pattersen of the '80s.

-Hey, who died and made him MC?

-Charlie, do a
little step for us.

-No, not the goose step.

No!

-Almost gave it away.

-OK, thank you.

Thank you very much.
Great.

Great.

Could you take your seat, dad?

Thank you.

[CHEERING]

-And Charlie, I've got a
birthday surprise for you.

-Well, a box of Depends.

Why thank you.

I didn't-- no, wait.

-Next, on a very
special Mrs. Ironside.

-Aw.

-(SINGING) Time to start walking
towards your bald father.

-Hey, I bought that chair
and you're going to use it.

-(SINGING) Walking tenderly
towards dad and falling in his

arms.
-It's OK, pop.

I can stand on my
own two feet now.

-Actually, dear,
you're on my two feet.

Oh, ow.

-Do you want to dance?

-You betcha.

[GROAN]

-Get me a new agent.

-D'oh.

-This is a warm and
tender made-for-TV moment.

-And there it goes.

-Let's not get carried away.

-No.

-You're the hoofer.

I'm new at this game.

-Yeah, he was also in the Happy
Hoofer Goes to Washington.

-Oh.

-Oh, did a noser.

-Come on, everybody.

Up and dance in front of her.

Puncture her balloon.

Come on.

Spoil her dreams.

-(SINGING) You know darn
well, you can cast your spell.

There.

-Hey, Jill.

Come on over here.

-No more onion rings for Lee.

Look at that gut on him.

-I talked to my
friend Carrie today.

-Lee can throw his voice?

-She's not your daughter.

Yep.
Pretty good.

-Well, I kind of figured a
60 year old man with glasses

wasn't my daughter.

-I'm sorry.

-If you kiss me, Van
Patten, I'll kill you.

-We'll find her.

-Yeah.

-Oh, he's dancing
with Ziggy Stardust.

-Michael Sloan, shame on you.
-Indeed.

-That's for sure.

-Well.

Well, at least we can
enjoy another Film Ventures

International credit
sequence, huh?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's
what Film Ventures

International is famous for.

Like the Pink Panther and the
James Bond credit sequence.

-Yeah, you know, that
was kind of weird movie.

First Demi Moore and
Claude Akins were there,

then halfway through, they
disappeared from the story.

-Joel, when are you going
to stop living a lie?

This was not a movie.

It was a bunch of
episodes strung together.

-Really?

-Huh?

-You guys are cynical.

-Oh yeah?

You're cynical.

Yeah.

-Oh, we should get
out of here, really.

-OK.

Well, that was fun
though, wasn't it?

-Yeah.
-At first.

-And we're going
to miss that part.

-You know, Joel, going
into this experiment,

several things were a given.

One, it had a Van Patten
in a prominent role.

Two, it was made for TV.

Three, it had a Van Patten
in a prominent role.

But I had no idea it
would be this bad.

-Yeah, really.

I mean, if you look at some
of the other 13 episode action

shows from that era, Manimal,
Misfits of Science, Supertrain.

-Oh, I like that one.

-It was pretty good.

Tales of the Gold Monkey.

They were all insipid,
yet clearly superior

to this piece of junk.

-Well, guys, take it easy.

The best way to beat
those made-for-TV blues

is to start your own funk
fusion TV action band, OK?

So, Crow, I want you to
start out on the drums.

Come on.

-Oh, OK.

[DRUM BEATS]

-Hey, get me.

I'm a LA studio musician.
-Come on.

-Want me doing a little wah-wah.

-Gypsy.

OK.

Jed sounds good.

OK.

"Master Ninja" theme song!

OK now.

Put that up on
[INAUDIBLE], will you?

"Master Ninja" theme song.

OK.

We, the officers of the
Battleship Missouri,

wish to congratulate you on
the quality programming you

are injecting in the-- "Master
Ninja theme song-- fiber

optic veins of our nation.

While in the Persian Gulf
during Operation Desert Storm,

we often felt as you
must-- "Master Ninja"

theme song-- trapped in
a steel box with little

or no contact with
the outside world,

yet engaged in important
and dangerous work.

"Master Ninja" theme song.

Ow.

As comrades, we salute you.

We spent many off-hour-- duty
hours enjoying your show.

To help repay you
for the pleasure

you've given us-- "Master
Ninja" theme song--

we would like to do
something for you.

Some of us are engineering
by profession and [INAUDIBLE]

for our assistance in
designing, manufacturing,

service on-- "Master Ninja"
theme song-- your [INAUDIBLE].

Let us know if you want any
special features such as death

lasers or detachable
radio-controlled fingers.

We eagerly await your reply.

"Master Ninja" theme song.

What do you-- what
do you think, sir?

-Oh.

Very nice, Joel.

Downright funky, isn't
that right, doctor?

-I had Jell-O today.

-I'll push the button.

[MASTER NINJA THEME SONG]

"Master Ninja" theme song.

"Master Ninja" theme song.

"Master Ninja" theme song.

Rely upon the "Master
Ninja" theme song.

'Cause those Van Patten
brothers are so headstrong.

"Master Ninja" theme song.

Amen.

"Master Ninja" theme song.

-Today was some kind of ritual.