Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 4, Episode 19 - War of the Colossal Beast - full transcript

♪ In the not-too-distant future

♪ Next Sunday A.D.

♪ There was a guy named Joel

♪ Not too different
from you or me

♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute

♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit

♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place

♪ But his bosses didn't like
him so they shot him into space

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst we can
find [la-la-la]

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all

♪ And we'll monitor
his mind [la-la-la]

♪ Now keep in mind
Joel can't control

♪ Where the movies
begin or end [la-la-la]

♪ Because he used
those special parts

♪ To make his robot friends

♪ Robot roll call

♪ Cambot
Pan left.

♪ Gypsy
Hi, girl.

♪ Tom Servo
What a cool guy.

♪ Crow
A wisecracker.

♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♪ And other science
facts [la-la-la]

♪ Then repeat to
yourself it's just a show

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000

[doors closing hydraulically]

Hey, hi everybody. Welcome
to the Satellite of Love.

I'm Joel Robinson and
these are my Bloods,

Tom Servo and Crow.

- Yo.
- Word.

And we decided to
take the prefixes,

root words and suffixes
of Mex-American food,

add some new food
types, mix 'em all up

and do what Madison Avenue
does and find a whole

new way to love
the same old crap.

Yeah, like the pundits say,

invent a new kind
of Mexican junk food

and the world will make
a run for your border.

Right, check
this one out, okay?

Oh look, spicy,
peachy, battered changa.

Oh, that would a spicy,
lightly-battered peach

in a delicious, chewy-changa.

What the hell is a changa?

Hey, come on.
Leave him alone, he's
just getting into it.

Try this one, Crow.

Oh, chicken-y Gatorade-arita.

Crispy dead chicken,
Gatorade marinade,

all wrapped in a tasty,
toasty tacorito pita.

Oh! Okay, what
do we have here?

Oh look, bel grande, cheesy--

Did we use cheesy yet?

Yeah, well not
yet, here it is.

Okay, beefy blue steak taco.

Oh good, we're on a roll.

Bel rocco, poco, loco, roccoco--

Hey, I'm running out of room.

That's okay, keep flowin'
with it. Taco! [laughs]

Ooh, it's cocomoco good!

[all] Olé!

Olé off. Commercial
sign in 15 seconds.

Oh, well here's my favorite
right here. Check this out.

Beefy, peanut
buster, bel grande!

Oh, you get a mister
misdemeanor for that beater.

- Ore-Ida.
- Orita!

Goodnight-a.

[new wave music]

Well, this one's
the Pat Morita fajita.

[robots laugh]
That's cute.

And then there's the
Maria Conchita Alonzarito.

Cute, cute,
that's a good one.

Here's one of my favorites,

the Emperor Hirohito-rito.

And the Curly Joe Dorito.

And not to forget the

Ed Herlihy-ito Dorito.

Made with fine
Kraft Jet-Puffed
miniature marshmallows.

[laughs] Say Joel,
why do Americans

rename Mexican food dishes?

Oh, it's just part
of the American way.

Turning a neighboring
country rich in

culture and beauty
into a goofy appetizer.

Oops, I think the
Mads are calling.

Happy hour is
over, taco beelzebub.

You know, in your
little food talk,

you failed to mention
that breakfast is still

the most important
meal of the day.

Isn't that right, Frank?

Yes sir. As a matter
of fact, I usually try

to have my breakfast first
thing in the morning [laughs].

Which, for me is usually about

2:30 in the afternoon [laughs].

[laughs turn into cries]

Oh God, it hurts.

There, there. Why don't
you run along and play, Frank.

Thanks, Steve.

He's in therapy.

Well anyway, our invention
exchange this week is

for family members who
won't come in for breakfast.

You bring breakfast to them
with the breakfast bazooka.

Oh Frank, come in for breakfast!

I'm playing!

You die Joe!
[bazooka fires]

This delicious meal
has a flat trajectory

and a muzzle velocity of
2,400 feet per second.

It's all part of
this nutritious war.

What do you think?

What a coinkydink.

Our invention is based
on a similar concept.

That's right, it's for
the hurried youth of today,

so busy, they sometimes
forget to stuff their faces

with toxic, chemically-laced,
life-shortening sugar snacks.

Yeah, it's called
a between-meal
mortar, check it out.

Clear! [mortar fires]

[all scream]

It's a live one!

Look out guys, I'll save you!

[loud explosion]

[all coughing and groaning]

They say you never hear the
snack with your name on it.

What do you think, sirs?

Well, Julia Childish,
your experiment this week

is an unwanted, uncalled-for,
unnecessary sequel

to The Amazing Colossal Man,
War of the Colossal Beast.

But first, a little
musical nightmare

from the heart of whiteness.

Bon appe-die.

Oh cripes,
these buffets on my

body are so
reasonable, you know?

You know, Marge
and I came here

one time we brought the men in.

Oh cripes, you gotta try some

of their Rice Krispies
down by the belly button.

[buzzing and screaming]

Oh, we've got
movie sign! [screams]

[doors opening hydraulically]

[all coughing and spitting]

Just get it out of
my valves, will you?

Oh, Mr. Natural. I remember
him from Zap Comix.

[marching band music]

CONN LTD. and the
New Power Generation.

CONN!

And the Republican
High School marching band!

Betty Luster, was she
married to Martin Sheen?

Think so [laughs].

Oh, look at that guy.

Otto Krauschaar!

What does A.S.C. mean?

- A sick cookie.
- Oh.

[all sing] Come on and
buy some crap from us.

You know that you want to.

And the white race
will salute you

as you prance and gad about.

Thank you.
[flute music]

Huh?

Boy, am I glad to see you!

Well, it's not mutual.

What's that? What do
you mean, "Who's talking"?

Yeah.

It's me, that's
who. Mr. B Natural.

Second note from the left.

As natural a B
as you'll ever see.

Joel, I'm scared.

Wait, hold the music!

Oh, thank you.

Maybe we can make things
a little clearer around here.

[flute plays]
[all scream]

- How's that?
- It stinks.

Now, move in a
little closer, friend.

- No, no, don't.
- Let's get acquainted.

No, let's not.

Mr. B Natural,
at your service.

The spirit of
music, that's me.

The spirit of fun in music.

Fun.

And I've been around
an awful long time.

Mm-hmm.

Knew your father, I did.

Hey, leave my
father out of this!

And don't be
too sure I wasn't

in the garden with
Mr. and Mrs. Adam.

[shudders] You
were the snake.

Why, you should know me.

The spirit of music's
inside all of you.

- Mm-hmm.
- No, I bathe.

In you.

In you.

In all of you.

Right there, waiting to be
found, waiting to be expressed.

Waiting to die.

All you've gotta
do is to want music.

[robot laughs]

- To want the fun of it.
- That's great.

And when you
do, just call on me

and I'll pop right
up to help you.

No, that's okay.

Generally, I live
in this music staff.

But when I get a
message for help,

I go off to appear
before people.

Especially young people, when I
think I can do 'em some good.

[robot laughs]
Oh, wonderful.

Oh, I've known an awful
lot of people in my time.

Got a whale of a lot of
swell stories to tell.

I bet.

One of the nicest is about
my good friend Buzz Turner,

little guy I first met
when he was in junior high.

Mr. B, you're hot.

- Wanna see what happened?
- No.

Come on, let's go meet Buzz.

That's okay.
[flute plays]

[all scream]

Don't do that!

[school bell rings]
I got a bad feeling.

Did you ever notice the
excitement in a school corridor

- at the end of the day?
- Oh yeah.

More energy than you
can shake a stick at.

The kind of energy that makes
fun and laughter and music.

Hey, tone it down, lady.

They're all there, with
all their young energy.

The first time I
really met Buzz Turner,

including Jeanie, the
cutest girl in school.

- I'’ll say.
- Including Buzz.

- Nothing much wrong with Buzz.
- Except his hair.

A good 12-year-old kid

with a lot of normal
12-year-old problems.

Buzz was a slacker.

Just a little shy, maybe,

wondering what it
takes to become part

of the group, to really belong.

- Conform. Conform.
- Conform. Conform.

A kid who's searching
for the right answers.

- It hurts a little.
- Hurts, don't it?

How do you like
the new clarinet, Jim?

- Hey.
- Oh, let's see, Fred.

Got it from
the Franklin Mint.

You should hear
the tone, wow.

Hey Peg, wanna see the
step I was telling you about?

- Oh sure.
- It's a goose-step.

- Make some music, huh?
- All right, let's go.

Eins, zwei.

That's not how you play it.

Eins, zwei. Oh,
to be like them.

He's got a gun! Oh, no.

[kids cheering]
Thought he had a gun there.

Hey gang, tell you what.

How about coming to
my house for a while?

I got some great new records.

Not me, Jeanie.

Band practice, I wouldn't
miss it for anything.

I'm buckin' for the
first clarinet chair.

Oh, do you dare?

Come on, Betty. Grab
your horn or we'll be late.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye, so long.

- They're a fun group.
- Yeah.

These records
are the greatest.

- Let's see now, we've got two.
- Wanna come? We can dance.

- Don't hit me!
- No thanks.

I don't know how, well, I
mean, I got some reading to do.

You know, that
big history essay.

But that's not
due for two weeks.

I know Jeanie. Well,
I wanna get started.

I gotta finish my
letter to Jodie Foster.

- Well, come on then.
- What are we waiting for?

That hurt. I'm
all messed up inside.

If only an androgynous man
would come and visit me.

I better wash my gym
clothes, it's been six months.

Meanwhile, the Midvale
Police visit his locker.

Find out why they call him Buzz.

[trumpets sound]
[all] No!

He's coming out of the closet.

Looks like this boy
might be needing me.

Well, that's what I'm here for.

- I feel ill.
- Me too.

Better wait 'til
he calls on me though,

'til he reaches for the spirit.

Calls for Satan [laughs].

All right dear.

Yeah, there's a weirdo
loose in the school.

He was hiding in
Junior's locker.

We've gotta call the police.

Wait, I'm not, really, I
wouldn't want you to hang up.

I'm not feeling--

Nice house.

Do they live in Pee-wee's
Playhouse? [laughs]

- So early, dear?
- Yeah, I got some readin'.

Well, it's such
a beautiful day,

Daddy won't be home 'til six.

I'm feeling very
sebaceous today, Mom.

Better go up to my
room and do the reading.

All right, son. Buzz?

Don't make so much
noise when you read.

Maybe we'll all go for
a nice ride after dinner

- if Daddy's not too tired.
- Okay.

Why does my kid have to
be such a dud? I was popular.

[gasps]
Where'd you come from?

Bellevue [laughs].

Out there somewhere.
Do I look funny?

You look hot.

Well, it's kind
of a surprise.

- I'’ll say.
- Mr. B what?

Natural. Shouldn't
be surprised, boy.

Whether you know it or
not, you sent for me.

When you reached for
that music over there

to make you feel better,
I got your message.

You awakened me.

So I'm attracted to guys now?

You mean you've
been hiding here

in my room all that time
and I never even noticed?

You've seen me do everything?

No boy, I don't mean that.

I mean, you awakened the
spirit of music inside you.

That's me. Your spirit of music.

He played the
devil's tritone.

That's my name,
boy, B Natural.

Oh, mister lady.

Why there's
nothing more natural

than feelings of music
inside of people.

Look here, boy. You sing a
baby a lullaby, and it coos.

The lulla-baby-by.

Expressing your
feelings with music

is just as natural
as you can be.

Gee, I don't know Mr. B,
I guess I like music okay.

With the thing,
just please leave.

But I don't know about
making music myself.

I don't think I'd be any good.

A boy talking
like that, blasphemy.

Spanking time!

I've been visiting with
an 8-year-old friend of mine

- who woke me up recently.
- Oh God, no. No.

Talked him into playing
the French horn, I did.

You should hear him
[mimics French horn].

He sucks, Mr. B Natural.

Took to it like that,
because he wanted to.

He wanted the fun of it.

That's why he can play
that piece so easy.

Wait'll he grows up and finds
out how hard it is. [laughs]

That's very clever. Mom. Mom?

Just because he's
young, he's not afraid.

Wish I could.

Wear tights
and prance around.

Wish I could get in a band
or something and be as...

well, be like Fred is.

Now, none of that. None of
that. I'm here to help you,

not to help you feel
sorry for yourself.

- Ugh.
- Sure, you can be popular.

- Sure, you can be in a band.
- Oh, Mr. B.

And wait'll you see the kicks
you'll get out of it, Buzz.

- Kicks.
- The glamour of the uniform,

the thrill of traveling
for band competitions--

The all-night coke
jags in cheap hotels.

Just like being a
member of a football team,

and most of all
Buzz, fun, fun, fun.

That's nice. Mom!

And I can do it for
you if you want me to,

if you'll keep me
awake inside there.

Bad touch.

Are you a musician, Mr. B?

Do you play any instruments?

No, I'm in marketing.

Me? They're members of my
family, boy. I love 'em all.

Watch. Presto.

- Allegro.
- Mom!

Vivace.
[trumpets sound]

Don't hurt me!

Gosh, Mr. B, you
even talk music.

You be bad.

Anybody can,
Buzz. Be natural.

Talk out what you
feel with music.

Look here. Do you think
this is just a trumpet?

- No.
- It's a bong!

It's the feelings
that you want to feel,

the things you want
to say to the world.

Put a trumpet to your
lips and it becomes pride,

confidence, the mood
of a happy king.

[trumpet music]

Oh my god, please say
this isn't happening.

That's a happy king?

Mr. B, shame on you. Have
you no sense of decency?

A clarinet's not just a
clarinet, it's a happy smile!

[clarinet music]

[robots laugh]
He's so perky. Kill her.

See, Buzz? It's really
fun to be psychotic [laughs].

A trombone can let you

show the world a
big laugh [laughs].

[trombone music]

Oh no.

Why, Joel, why?

When you want to
show dignity, Buzz,
try a French horn.

[horn music]

Mr. B, what would
you know about dignity?

In tights and a hat.

Buzz? When you want
to feel as big as giant,

blow a sousaphone.
[sousaphone music]

Now you're living in
your own fantasy world.

We're into a whole
weird area here.

Put 'em all together, Buzz,

and you have any mood
you want to have fun.

I'll talk, I'll
talk, don't hurt me!

[marching band music]

You know, I think Oscar Wilde

only wished he was
this gay, you know?

Ladies and
gentlemen, please accept

our sincere apology
for all of this.

Please.

Forget music,
I want to dance!

You like music?

Sure sounds like fun,

and I'd like to have some
of it, too, if I can.

Don't touch me!

That's the first big
step, boy, to want it.

[new wave music plays]

My boy was all
wound up, he was.

Your boy?

Told them all the
bandmaster told him

how a boy could learn
discipline and coordination

- and confidence through music.
- Oh.

And make a personality grow.

He said my face was
practically made for trumpet.

I wanna learn, Dad.

I wanna wear leotards and
a Peter Pan hat, Mom, Dad?

Seems like you really
do a dance, son [laughs].

If you don't think
there's a family

- headed for the music store--
- I think it's David Bowie.

then you don't know
parents who understand

what it takes to
make a child happy.

You missed your
last payments, Pops.

A half-dozen new
reeds for your saxophone.

By the way, how are you doing

in the fifth-grade
band in school?

Oh, swell. I got first chair.

Congratulations,
that's fine, young lady.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

Don't patronize me, old man.

Hello--

We want to ask
you some questions.

Yes, I believe so.
The boy here'd like

to start on the trumpet.

Well, you're joining a
mighty happy family, young man.

I could use one.

My son wouldn't like
my bringing this up,

but I imagine a good
trumpet'd put quite a dent

in his dad's checkbook, huh?

Yeah, if he starts
hitting you with it [laughs].

Not necessarily.

All the better music dealers
have a trial purchase plan.

You are simply making
a small investment

in your son's
lifetime personality.

Nah, put away the grease gun
and show me something cheap.

And with this boy's
enthusiasm, he can't miss.

All right, let's
look at some horns.

Hey, this is the
plot from Golden Boy.

Yeah, where's Bill Holden?

This trumpet is made by the
world's largest manufacturer.

Ah, cut to the
chase. How much?

Oh, I don't think the
make is important, is it?

Buzz?

I don't think the
make matters much.

[trumpet chirps]
Doesn't matter much?!

Mom, Dad, tell
me you heard that?

Thought I told you, boy.

The most fun comes from
the most skilled playing.

And the most skill comes
only from an instrument

designed to give you
the best sound possible.

It sure does matter.

Oh, excuse me,
sexless man-woman.

Why you should see
what care goes into

making a really
superior instrument.

You gotta inspect
your horn, boy.

And wash it everyday.

You oughta take
a look at a factory

that makes top-quality
instruments.

Oh, may I?

Let me tell
you what goes into

the making of the
best instruments.

You see? The dealer
has the same idea.

- You listen to him, Buzz.
- Or I'll kill you.

The instrument
with the best sound

comes out of plans that
combine modern equipment

with precision craftsmanship.

Oh cripes. Polish.
That's all I do all day.

Hmm, no noise there.
How does this thing work?

Superior workmanship
like this is possible

because no one man
builds an instrument.

These'll make
lovely noises someday.

And each
operation's performed

- by an expert in that phase.
- Work faster, Grandma.

[tuba music]

This man does things
he's not proud of.

If that craftsman
stops spinning

that sousaphone
bell for a second,

he would completely change
the quality of the instrument.

The faces of those he's
wronged float up at him.

Hey, it's Leo Gorcey.
All grown up.

A manufacturer of
quality instruments

is equipped to produce
the best sound.

He realizes that you play
the inside of an instrument,

- not the outside.
- [laughs] Good point.

So, he takes care to
produce a smooth finish inside

that will not
obstruct sound through

such methods as
hydraulic expansion.

Oh, that feels good.

The best instruments
are uniform.

Every one is exactly like
every other of the same kind.

Just like you and me.

Valves must be ground

with utmost accuracy for
smooth, easy playing.

James Joyce.

Out of this unseemly,
unfinished heap--

Honey West!

with the skill of experience,

[robot gasps]

Will come a row of gleaming,
high-quality saxophones.

Come on now,
watch the red man.

There is the high skill of
craftsmanship, for instance,

that produces a seamless bell.

Further removing
sound resistance,

giving to the finished Coprion
instrument an ease of playing

and a tone quality
that is unmatched.

Extra value is what you
get when you play the coronet.

One manufacturer develops

the highest-quality instruments.

This trumpet is flatlining.

Tone testing ensures
their best performance.

- Testing to analyze the tone--
- In a gas chamber?

to measure the
sound or accuracy

to a tiny fraction
of a semitone.

Oh cripes, we
gotta work faster.

Hurry up Margie.

Oh, we got a long way to go.

He got so many of these
stories, they're just so shiny.

Let's break.

This instrument will make
music fun for you, young fella.

It was handmade
by an old woman.

Good luck and I'll
see you in the band.

Wait a minute, I
didn't say I'd take it.

- Well--
- We bilked 'em.

he's really on his way now.

I had done my part.

The spirit of music was a
natural thing with him now.

For the rest of the story,

I could just sit back
and watch the training.

And rake in the cash.

Watch him open
up as a new person.

Aw, no, Jerry, you blow in
the big end. Yeah, like that.

Good, am I hip yet?

When do the chicks
start coming around?

In the months that
led to graduation,

all the things happened to
Buzz that we knew would happen.

He was ready to
really belong now.

But the rules had changed.

By the time he
finished high school,

he would be ready to
take that big solo.

He'd jam with his
imaginary friend.

[upbeat trumpet music]

Now the poor kid grandstands
at every opportunity.

Hmm, sucks, doesn't he?

If you get near
a song, play it.

Enough. What is this,
Flight of the Bobblehead?

Come on. Stop!

Sorry, sorry. Thought they
were trading fours there.

[slow waltz music]

[all sing]
Really, really white.

We're really, really,
really, really white.

White, white, white. We're
really, really white.

Oh, it's Satchmo!
What do you know?

[trumpet plays]

[robot mimics trumpet]

Say, that guy's got
a way with a ballad.

Let me tell ya.

Well, the old clock on the
wall says that it's that's all

from the Stridex
Medicated Band Hour.

Sounds a little like
Leigh Kamman there.

This was before his
collaboration with Gil Evans.

Thank you, thank you.
[applause]

It stinks! [laughs]

Ah, but in real life,

Johnny is last chair
with the preschool band.

No one expresses more
naturally than a child.

And there is no more natural
expression than music.

Let's get outta here.

Now, is Mr. B Natural
a man or a woman?

- Oh, definitely a man.
- Oh, no, no, no.

No, a man, definitely a man.

- Nuh-uh.
- Mm-hmm.

[marching band music]

[doors closing hydraulically]

It's a woman,
a she, a missus.

No, no, no, turn it off!

It's a Sheila.

Hey, you guys. Take it easy.

You're never gonna
get anywhere that way.

Let's just get organized.

I'll give you both two
minutes to state your case

and then time for a
short rebuttal, okay?

- [both] OK.
- All right.

Now, standard debate rules.
I will act as arbiter.

On my mark, begin. Mr. Crow?

Mr. B Natural was a woman.

Of this, there can be no doubt.

Not a chance, fat-butt.

Hey, hey. That's one
penalty point for Mr. Servo.

Mr. Crow, begin again.

Thank you, commissioner.

We are compelled to look
on the mister moniker

as merely a whimsical
contrived characterization

in the spirit of Peter Pan,

played convincingly by
the late Mary Martin,

and the late Cathy Rigby,

and the late Sandy
Duncan, and the late--

Get to your point, Mr. Robot!

- The point sir, is breasts.
- Huh?

Yes, Mr. B
Natural had breasts.

A decidedly unnatural
thing for a man to have,

don't you think, Mr. Servo?

When one takes into
account the short jacket,

the shiny leotard,
the wide hips,

unless one is wildly confused,
as my colleague seems to be,

one concludes, naturally,
that Mr. B Natural

is indeed a wonderful, spritely,
albeit annoying, woman.

Thank you Mr. T. Robot.
Your response, Mr. Servo?

Oh, thank you Mr. Utley.

Ignoring the hermetic
contumely hurled at me

by my less-than-erudite
conferee,

no doubt placed as a thin veil

before an atrabilious
temperment--

Mr. Servo, I'm warning you,

no William F. Buckley
impersonations

under the threat of
a point reduction.

Okay, sorry.

Mr. B Natural, what a guy.

Yes, Mr. B Natural is
a decidedly modern man.

Ignoring the constrictions
placed upon him

by modern society, Mr. B
Natural dresses as he does,

just as he sees fit.

If this means dressing
in a shimmering leotard

and a powder-blue,
note-spangled jacket,

and climbing through the windows

of young, troubled
middle-schoolers

to play clarinet with
them 'til the wee hours,

waking them the next day to
whisper in their tender ears,

I say more power to him!

Mr. Servo, you're
evading the question!

If, by this sir, you mean
that Mr. B Natural is a man,

I challenge you to
come up with any

condemning evidence
to the contrary.

They named him mister
and I, for one,

have faith that they knew
what they were doing.

You might as well just ask me

to prove that a fish is a fish.

Gentlemen, it just is.

As for these phantom breasts
Mr. Robot claims to have seen,

I say, phooey-kaflooey.

Perhaps he's been
in space too long.

Gentlemen, Mr. B
Natural is just that.

Here's wishing we could all
be a little bit more like him.

I yield the floor.

Mr. T. Robot, you
have 20 minutes to rebut.

Mr. Servo, you have
got to be kidding me!

Let's assume, for the moment,
that Mr. B Natural is a man.

My heavens, what a confusing
message to send to little kids.

Already, there's the painful
feeling of isolation,

the horrible scarring acne,

and Mr. Servo, here, would
have us place a cross-dressing

man with a clarinet
slap-dab in their bedrooms.

Why not men in Little
Bo Peep costumes

with stinky cigars,
explaining the facts of life

to our unsuspecting daughters?

- I, for one, would not--
- Mr. Servo, your rebuttal!

Yes, yes, why not, Mr. Crow?

I don't think we
should stop there.

Let's break down
all the barriers.

Hairy men in spartan
costumes holding bake sales

on shady boulevards,
naked jockstrap wrestling

big, wonderful--

Gentlemen, I have
commercial sign, I'm sorry.

[new wave music]

Okay, I don't want
anymore fighting.

Look, Crow,
remove the breasts

and your whole
argument falls apart.

Colossal breast, see?

Beast. Beast!

To prove how
tough this Ford is,

we're pitting it against
the amazing, Colossal Beast.

Breast, beast.

Becwar?

Yes, Becwar, the
William Shatner novel.

- [laughs] It's TekWar.
- Oh, never mind.

Cute joke though.

[all gasp]
We're watching okay?

There's got Albert
Glasser here, the music.

It's peppy.

In a turgid sort of way.

Hey, it's Ralph Macchio
as the Colossal Kid.

I love Ralph Macchio.

[all gasp]

And he's being
chased by credits.

[applause and cheers]

Yay! But what's the I stand for?

I am so ashamed.

Music composed and
conducted by Albert Glasser.

A Domino guy and
he's under quota!

- Oh no.
- It'll happen.

Oh, poor guy.

Oh, the great George Worthing
Yates wrote the screenplay.

[robot mimics music]

Oh look, Paul Westerberg is
the film editor up there.

Neat little flower. Pretty.

That's gotta be it
for the credits.

- Yeah, that's about it.
- Let's get to the movie.

[all gasp]
My heart.

Should've seen
that one coming.

Hey, look out for
the dip in the road.

Whoo.

Oh, now they
got the truck wet,

they're already over budget.

Oh I see, now
the swimming portion

of the truckers triathlon.

Hey, lighten up. You
just ran out of gas, buddy.

It's not that big of a deal!

Buddy, buddy.

Hey, wait a minute.
This is Touch of Evil.

Quinlan's a
good cop! [laughs]

All citizens must walk
with their heads downcast.

Thank you.

[ominous harp music]

I'm here for the
old gringo auditions.

He does a great Peck.

Anybody home?

Nobody lives here.
It's an office, buddy.

Is this where I
report a stolen car?

Yes, señor.

It's Mayberry, Mexican style.

What is your name?

Swanson. I'm running the
gun club back in the hills.

And I talk hard and fast.

Swanson.

No, actually it's Steinbeck.

I was up in Salinas
pretending I was poor.

What kind of a car?

Dark green stake bed truck.

Ton-and-a-half, California
license, loaded with groceries.

All the candy.

Where was it taken from?

That's a hard
question to answer.

Look, here's what happened.

The season opens next week and

I'm expecting a crowd in town.

So you were expec-- [laughs]

So I was stocking
up on supplies,

bringing this truckload of
groceries down from Calexico.

- What kind of--
- Get the picture?

Uh, yes. But--

Well, I'd left the
club station wagon

in San Felipe, get a
new rear end put in it.

Oh, did you ever think of a--

So when I got there, I had
to stop and pick that up too.

Get the picture?

Now, I couldn't run two cars,

so I hired this kid
to drive the truck.

Started him out a couple,
three hours ahead of me.

Yeah?

Followed him in the station
wagon. Get the picture?

Oh sure I do, but it was--

Well, he was supposed
to meet me here.

He hasn't arrived yet
and that was yesterday.

Well that would
mean he's in--

- Have you looked for him?
- Everywhere.

Then he must have
gone back to the club.

Well, I just came from there.

Then you must
have passed him up

somewhere on the
road from San Felipe.

If I passed him on the road,

don't you think I'd
know my own truck?

Get your greasy
white paws off my desk.

I'm sure you would, señor.

But, what if it
went off the road?

There's no place he
can pull off the road

without getting
stuck in the sand!

And how could
your truck be lost?

If it wasn't lost,
would I be coming to you?

[all] Third base!

That is a good
question señor.

Tell me about this boy that was
driving it. What's his name?

Miguel something or other.

Probably 15, 16 years
old, dark, thin,

about, oh about so high.

Well señor, you
just described me.

Would you know
him if you saw him?

Yes!

Come across the
street with me señor.

We'll buy you a new boy.

Pat Boone's going
through the liquor cabinet.

This is stupid,
there's no F in morphine.

Now let's see here,
little crystal methedrine,

and that's some monoxo--

Oh no, I was just
cleaning, just dusting.

That's him.
Where's my truck?!

- Here, let me.
- Uno momento.

- What's a matter with him?
- Where's his truck?

[speaking in Spanish]

Did you get that?

Miguel is a very sick boy.
He's suffering from shock.

What from?

[speaking in Spanish]

He said something
shocked him.

Nobody seems to know.

What did you
do with my truck?!

Here, let me. What did
you do with his truck?!

[speaking in Spanish]

Quiet, I'm seeing Bernadette.

Yes? Yes, yes? He says,
"Get your elbow off my chest."

Beware the dwarf.

Halitosis.

[speaking in Spanish]

- What'd he say?
- It's no use.

If he gets any better, the
doctor will let us know.

Come with me, I will take you

to the place where he was found.

We could pump his stomach,

but I don't think
we'd find your truck.

Will young Miguel be cured?

And what about the pick-up
truck? Tune in tomorrow.

Yes, you'll drive to the
mutated monster scenes in style

in the new 1953 Desoto.

[ominous orchestra music]

Would you like to have
lunch with me here, señor?

A little pic-a-nic?

He asked me. He asked me.

Well, it looks like
a ton of chili to me.

Was it your truck
made these tracks?

No, it was beauty
killed the beast.

Must have. I had two new
retreads like that on the rear.

Came down the
road and got stuck.

Yeah. Then where'd it go?

Straight up into
the air, it looks like.

Look, that truck had a radio

and a heater, but it
didn't have wings.

What's the Spanish
word for bite me?

Now are you gonna
find it or aren't you?

Look señor. I am just
a country policeman.

I am paid to keep the peace.

If someone steals, I
try to catch the thief

and put 'em in jail,
like it says in the book.

But about this
señor, I don't know.

The book doesn't say anything
about a thing like this.

Well, we're writing
the book right now, pal.

Hey, let's drag Clarence
Thomas' name through there.

Noise pollution.

By 1970, this could be our
nation's number-one problem.

Guests of the
amazing, Colossal Beast

stay at the Beverly Hilton.

And that's the latest report
on the international scene.

Now, on the lighter
side of the news.

There was a young
man from Nantucket.

A dispatch from
Guavas, Mexico,

says that Mr. John Swanson
is having a little trouble

collecting insurance
on his stolen truck.

- What happened to it?
- Oh, she's a social drinker.

Well according
to his claim report,

it disappeared without
leaving any tracks.

Mr. Swanson says something
must've carried off his truck.

Now, what could have
carried off his truck?

Ha-ha, that's whimsical.

And here in Los Angeles,
the city council has decided

to vote upon the referendum

for increasing the
pay of teachers.

With the interest that
has recently been aroused

regarding the importance
of better schools--

Hello, I'm out of tonic.

Operator, I want to place
a person-to-person call.

To Mr. John Swanson
in Guavos, Mexico.

I'll hold the line.

Uh, you are holding the line.

I'm getting me a good lawyer.

And if one ain't
enough, I'm getting two.

And I'm gonna make
the insurance company

pay up and pay up fast.

I'm taking 'em to court by the--

Oh, who am I
kidding? I love you.

I'm sorry, I guess I
shouldn't blow my top like that.

Uh, you don't have a top.

But if somebody
calls me a liar, I--

[doorbell rings]

Sorry, time's up.
Thanks for playing.

Excuse me.

[new wave music]

Joyce Manning?

Yes, you must be Major
Baird. Please Come in.

Thank you.

Who's the stiff?

This is Mr.
Swanson. Major Baird.

- How do you do, sir?
- Howdy.

Hit the road, Pops.

- Please be seated.
- Thank you.

Would you like a drink?

No thanks.

Mr. Swanson was good
enough to come up here

and tell me of his experience.

It was a mere nothing.

I had to be in Los
Angeles anyway today

to see the insurance people.

Have I missed much?

Well, he tells me
that he wasn't there

to see what happened
to his truck.

I guess I got
there just too late.

Oh, I sense the irony.

Besides the truck's
not being there,

did you see anything unusual.

- Like what?
- Tracks in the sand.

Well, there were
car tracks, sure.

But no animal tracks?

Animal tracks?

Human footprints,
Mr. Swanson.

Well what's so
unusual about that?

These would be the tracks
of a big man, a very big man.

We're talkin' big.

There were Miguel's.
I don't get the picture.

- How big do you mean?
- Very big.

Dom DeLuise big?

10 times as big as you.

Are you trying to kid me?

Hey, I'm drunk,
but not that drunk!

Not at all. I'm trying
to find my brother.

He got a bad dose
of radiation poisoning

in the course of testing
a plutonium bomb.

He started growing at the rate
of eight to ten feet a day.

He blew his
mind out in a car.

You may have read about him.

Sure, Colonel Glenn
Manning, the Colossal Man.

I remember.

Glenn had reached a height

of over 60 feet
when he disappeared.

I'll have what she's having.

Didn't he get
shot and fall off

of Boulder Dam and get killed?

That's right. But Miss
Manning seems to have an idea

that he survived both the
artillery fire and the fall.

You see, she lives in denial.

That is what you're
getting at, isn't it?

I'll leave it
up to Mr. Swanson.

Wouldn't that account for the
disappearance of your truck?

Look lady, leave
me out of this.

I didn't see no footprints.
I didn't see no giant.

I didn't see anything.

I've got enough trouble with
the insurance company as it is.

Get the picture?

I've had enough
hurt in my life.

Can you think of anyone
else who might help me?

There's a boy named
Miguel down there,

but he's not doing any talking.

Doctor said he's suffering
from shock or something.

I'm sorry I can't do you
more good Miss Manning.

Thank you for
coming, Mr. Swanson.

Oh say, can I have a
to-go cup for that gin?

Hadn't you better give
him up, Miss Manning?

The Army did some time ago.

You never found his body.

The river below the dam is
a mile deep in some places.

His body's down there somewhere
and it'll show up in time.

You think Glenn made his
way down that river somehow

and reached the Gulf of
California, don't you?

The whole sequel
depends on it!

Believe me, it's impossible.

I was in charge of the
search for him and I know.

The medical
authorities all agree.

No man, no matter
what his size--

Is an island?

could take those
two bazooka charges

and a drop of over 700 feet--

And not want it every night.

and come through it alive.

Well, those are the facts.

Your brother died a
watery death. Well, gotta go.

Take my advice and face them.

I shall, Major.
Thank you for coming.

I'm afraid it wasn't
worth your while.

It could be if you'd have
dinner with me this evening.

Woah, down boy!

I'd like to, but I can't.

I'm leaving for
Mexico right away.

- Goodbye.
- Oh man, I blew it.

- Goodbye.
- Stupid, stupid, stupid.

What a dink.

Life is kind of different
in Grover's Corneros.

[slow Latin music]

It could be worth my while

if you had dinner
with me tonight.

Oh, just snap out of it.

That is the boy, Miguel.

Has he told you anything yet?

No. But you can
question him if you like.

He's supposed to speak
a little English.

At least, that's
what the résumé said.

- Miguel? Miguel?
- His name is Moisha.

You see, señorita?

You better come with me.

I will find a place for
you to spend the night.

I know.

Thanks, but I'm
going to stay here.

All night?

As long as necessary.

Then my wife better
get you something to eat.

Thank you.

Okay Miguel, move
over. I'm hopping in.

He said dark, and then he
said good, and then he died.

[gasping]

Swim, run, huge.
Dean, no, stop.

What is it Miguel?

[grunting]
First word, sounds like...

Hey, he sounds like Eeyore.

Seargant!

Could you shut him
up, I'm trying to sleep?

Get in here,
this is hysterical.

[grunting continues]

What now? Jeez. Can't
leave you two alone?

Oil can? Oil can?

He's crying for his mother.

Her name was Uuugh.

I do not understand what
he's trying to say señorita.

Call me if he speaks again.

[screams loudly]
He spoke again!

Ogro! Ogro!

Oh, I get it. He's
channeling Frances Farmer.

Miguel.

Shouldn't eat chili
peppers, they burned his gut.

Miguel. Miguel.

I had Jell-o today.

All right, you got the part.

What did he mean?

It's hard to say.

It's a guy thing.

Ogro, what is that?

It's a big fellow, like an
ogre in a story, a monster.

A giant.

He must have been dreaming.

Was it a giant, Miguel?

- Was it a giant man?
- Did it make you mad?

- Did it make you mean mad?
- Was it, Miguel?

[classical music]

Might have better
luck when he's awake.

That's our boy, we'll
be back after these words.

I remember this scene.

Hey, it's the guy
that was standing

next to Oswald when he got shot.

I just wanted to let you
know, I got your phone call.

This is Dr. Carmichael.

He's head of our
radiation excursion.

Hello, Dr. Carmichael.

He's very much interested
in your brother's case.

I only hope I can do
something for him, Ms. Manning.

Thank you, Doctor.

Doctor Carmichael,
Major Baird,

this is Sergeant Mario of
the Mexican State Police.

Hi.

Where was it the boy saw
the Colossal Man, the giant?

El Ogro? He has not
been able to tell us.

The sergeant
can show you where

the truck disappeared though.

Si, señor. Won't you
get in my automobile?

Fine.

Fine, but I don't
want to ride in back,

I've always got to ride in back.

[all sing] 100 years of
solitude, 100 years of solitude,

take one down, pass it
around, 99 years of solitude.

These tracks were made
by the truck he was driving.

The truck apparently
skidded into the water,

and never drove out.

Thank you, Mr. Obvious.

What do you think, Mark?

What did happen to Oswald?

Well, it seems like
pretty meager evidence

to conclude because
a truck disappeared,

that the Colossal
Man is still alive.

Oh, my god. Her arms!
Oh, it's her sweater.

But the boy?

I'm sure there's some
logical explanation.

Señores, señores,
come quickly!

Look at these cute tadpoles.

That is a very
big foot print.

Major Baird, is that
enough logic for you?

The foot that made
that print is about

30 times the size
of a normal man.

That would make him
about 60 feet tall.

Glenn was 60 feet tall.

Think there's a connection?

Nah.

He must have gone that
way, to the mountains.

To the prairie, to the
oceans white with foam.

[ominous classical music]

He always summer's
in the mountains.

He stays at the beautiful
Mount Airy Lodge.

You think he could be
up in those mountains?

Yes, it could be. There
are no people up there.

Well, let's drive slowly.

Maybe we could find
some more foot prints.

Hey, think there's some
place to eat around here?

I could really go for a
Jack in the Box right now.

Yeah, that'd be good.

We're gonna get a
four-door next time.

Get one of those
breakfast muffins.

- Just double clutch.
- Really?

Just get it out of there.

Just grind it and find it.

That's right, spare
us nothing Burt.

Let's get out of here.

Three Jacks and a Jill
and three Jills in a Jeep.

On American Classics.

[new wave music]

Who's that guy
with the big head?

Big head.

Big head.

Who's that guy with
the big, big head?

- Big head.
- Big head.

Big head.
[all] Big head! Yeah! Whoo!

OK, that was pretty good,
but let's try it again,

and let's try to
stay in the same key

and begin at the same time, OK?

All right, yeah.

A one, a two, a one two--

[loud banging]

Oh, let's try it again.

OK.

A one, a two, a one two--

[loud banging]

Crow, would you cut that out?

I'm not doin' anything.

[loud banging]

Joel, it's not
us, it sounds like

it's coming from
outside the ship.

Hello?

- Anybody home?
- Oh, my goodness.

Hey Cambot, give me
rocket number nine, quick.

I want to see the
exterior of the ship.

Oh, oh there you
are. I heard music.

You weren't talking
about me, were you?

Ditch the head.

Hi, Glenn, good
to see you again.

How you been, buddy?

Yeah, did you ever find out

about that whole
share-rib thing?

Hey, Crow come
on take it easy.

Mr. Manning doesn't have time
for your little shenanigans.

Hey, you know what?

We were just watching an
experiment about you, Glenn.

[chewing] I'm sorry.

I walked all the way over from
the other side of the planet.

You know, I've been
picking up transmissions

of your experiments since
I saw you last time,

I had a whole head full
of goofy dental work.

You know, I'm a
little torqued off

about this whole
cheesy sequel thing.

Yeah, we're all wondering
why you weren't in this one.

That's what I'm
goin' on about.

You know, I create this role,

do this work in the first film.

Everybody loved my work.

Excuse me.

And then, you know
everything's going great.

Burt and I are good
friends, and then

the studio's gonna do a sequel.

I figure it's a done
deal basically, right?

I'm the perfect man for the job.

But then, the phone
stops ringing.

People I thought were my friends

don't even look me
in the eye anymore.

[mumbles]

They pulled a Roger Moore
on me is what they did.

I thought I was gonna be in
the film, and then nothing.

I'm sorry. Showbusiness.
I could go on for hours.

But I didn't come here
to bore, I'm sorry.

Well, why did you
come here big guy?

Oh, it was because
I had something...

I forgot it. I don't
have any pockets.

Kind of hard to--

Whoa, whoa. I'm gettin' kind
of a weird signal there.

It's probably comin'
off your satellite dish.

It's Golden Girls. Yeah.

I'm gonna hang around outside
here if you don't mind,

I kinda have a thing
for Bea Arthur.

I'll just hang and wait--

[grunts loudly]

[all] Whoa! Ah!
[buzzers]

We got a movie sign. Ah!

[doors open hydraulically]

[all singing] 52 years of
solitude, 52 years of solitude,

Ha-ha, I like that.

Excuse me, I'll
just be a minute.

I'm cramping up here. Excuse me.

Must've been that changa.

What do you see, Louis?

There are no more footprints,

the ground is too hard here.

I see something over there.

Look! It's a big turd
with track marks in it.

Hey, there's a Hard
Rock Cafe over there.

They're everywhere now.

[ominous classical music]

Oh no, Glenn passed
a truck on the highway.

I mean he passed a
truck on the highway.

This must be part of
Swanson's missing truck.

No, this another
truck señorita,

Swanson's truck is
dark green [mumbles].

Yeah, but it's
bound to change color

after it's been
through his system.

Tom, will you stop with
the crap jokes please?

Hey, Wile E. Coyote
must be up there,

to change to subject.

Hey, want a Rolling Rock?

[laughs]
Kidding.

Nothing but a rock slide.

It's getting late.
We better go home.

It's not good to
be here after dark.

That's right, you
cannot trust me after dark.

I was gettin' tired anyway.

Man, it's been a big day huh?

What did you think
of those big rocks?

What were they all about anyway?

Oh let'’s knock off.

And the Grinch peered down
with his little dog, Max.

[slurping and burping]

Pardon me.

New York City.

Just pretend to
eat it and fold it

in your napkin and say, "Mmm".

Oh, no thanks.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm going to get

the Aztec two-step as it is.

Sorry to be so long.

Bragger.

But I just talked
to the Mexican

Military Authorities
on the phone.

Couldn't understand a word.

They have troops and
artillery standing by.

All we have to do is
pinpoint the Colossal Man,

and they'll move in on him.

He might come willingly
if we reasoned with him.

Nuh-uh.

How do you reason
with a 60 foot giant?

It's possible he'd
listen to someone

he knows well,
like Miss Manning.

Ah, eat your
fajita and shut up.

No, I don't want
anybody getting hurt.

Would someone please
pass the sour cream?

Please let me try at least.

No, I'm sorry.

Be reasonable,
if you use force

on him, somebody will get hurt.

Nope, we're closed. Sorry.

Very well then.
I'll go alone.

And I'll force myself on him.

Wait. Miss Manning!

Miss Manning, I
didn't ask for this job,

I was assigned to it.

And if I'm going to get it done,

I'll have to handle
it my own way.

Well it seems to me your way

is going to hurt him
more than help him.

I have to think of the
safety of others as well as him.

That goes for you too.

It's my way or the highway.

I'm to forget he's my brother
and do nothing, I suppose?

It's natural for you
to be concerned about him.

Natural.

Can't you let it go at that?

You don't even know if
he'll recognize you or not.

He won't even
be able to see you.

Let me find out.

We'll see about it tomorrow
when the soldiers arrive.

Today please, before
they get here. Please.

What makes you so sure
you're going to find him?

He's 60 flippin' feet tall!

There's a whole
mountain he has to hide in.

We have something to
go on. Those footprints.

All right. Get in my car.

I guess the great
sister of Glenn knows best.

I'll drive,
scoot over. Scoot.

[ominous classical music]

You sure this is
where William Holden

did that scene in Picnic?

Hey, let's drop this whole
Glenn thing, I love you.

Well, they'’re in the valley
of the Jolly Green Giant.

Maybe they should get
Crazy Horse up on that...

Not enough time.

Why are they playing
The Last Emperor music?!

Beats me.

Classic.

Well look, it's the
Fred Sanford memorial.

A litter box.

"This'll be our home honey.

"We'll put the living room over
here, just like we dreamed."

Looks more like a Wisconsin
farmer's frightening lawn.

[laughs]

Similac. What's
he need that for?

He's been raiding these
trucks for food to live on.

Jerk, didn't even pay.

He's uses this
as a tooth pick!

That's for the gang that
couldn't shoot straight.

[laughs] A little prop humor.

Major. Look at this.

Nope. That's not
Glenn's, the whole

whirl is completely different.

This was Swanson's truck.

Gosh, you're good
my little detective.

[rumbling]

- What's that?
- I don't know.

[all scream]

Hey, that's what the
Mexican kid was sayin'.

[dark classical music]

You've looked better, Glenn.

"Oh, hi sis."

Get back, Joyce!

"Where was I? Now
where's my surprise toy?

"Ah, phooey.

"Ah, nothin.

"This is the last
time I high-jack and
organic food truck."

Sounds like Tim Allen.

[robots humming]

Oh no, I couldn't. I
couldn't eat another bite.

No, not bread.

I like to pick
out the raisins.

They are baking it the
way you want it, señor.

Put some tarragon
and mayo on it.

When will the rest be done?

They say it
would be ready soon.

They already loading the truck.

Good.

Want a cold cut with that?
A slice of cheese maybe?

Pickle?

Try it.

It really is delightful
bread. Mmm, flavor.

Can you taste anything?

Tastes like
bread. What's in it?

Chloral hydrate.

[all] [spitting with disgust]

It makes you go to
sleep for eight hours.

I'll be at the bakery.

With the butcher and
the candlestick maker.

We have to capture him and
this seems to be the best way.

Fill him up on bread?

Dr. Carmichael says it
can't harm him in the least.

How do you
handle a hungry man?

Isn't there any
other way to handle it?

No, we thought
about Saltines--

Let the Mexican
Authorities deal with him.

We have no other alternatives.

Nobody's taken the
time to think of any,

as far as I can see.

There isn't time to take.

If we don't get him before
he decides to move to another

mountain, we may lose
contact with him for weeks.

Yeah, Lord knows
he never writes.

I suppose you're right.

Yup.

His face. I can't
forget how horrible it was.

Where are you from, Joyce?

My home is in San Francisco.

But I live in Brittania.

Don't you think you'd
be better off back there?

Do you know what
it would be like

just sitting around
waiting for news?

You mind if I
suggest a remedy?

Try some bread.

It's an old one
but it usually works.

Find something else
to occupy your mind.

Sports, or somethin'.

Do you have a job?

I write copy for
an advertising agency.

Well, that should help
you forget your troubles.

I can imagine
myself going back

to writing all those
tired, old adjectives.

Tremendous, gigantic, colossal.

You know what'd they mean
to me now, don't you?

Glenn. A colossal freak major.

And he's my brother.

Look lady, we all
have our cross to bear.

We're all set major.

Time to make donuts.

[depressing classical music]

He ain't heavy. He's
my brother [crying].

Yep, that's
where we'll probably

put the butter over there.

Somethin' like that.

Secure the area where
you tracked Swanson's truck.

You ain't the boss of me.

Think he'll eat this stuff?

All depends on his appetite.

There hasn't
been a truck through

this road for two days now.

He should be hungry.

Let me drive. I
know this road best.

All right. There's
still no sign of him.

If we don't make contact,
we'll make the trip again.

A bread truck named Desire.

Tonight on Tennessee
Ernie Williams Theater.

Hey, let go of me!
What are you doing señor?

Hey, I've got a job to do!

Yoo-hoo, just drivin'’
a bread truck.

Fresh bread, mouthwatering
bread. Sliced thin.

Enjoy our bread
and keep the truck.

[sings] Somethin'
new is comin' to town,

and Jose the cop
is bringin' around.

[mysterious classical music]

Whoa.

Because we're
looking for a giant

that doesn't follow that
we don't value our lives.

Besides, we want
him to catch us.

At this speed,
he'll never make it.

I don't drive this way to
make you nervous, señores.

I'm driving this way 'cause
I ate some of that bread.

The further away [mumbles].

Besides, giants run very
fast. They have long legs.

Suddenly, you're the
expert on giants, huh?

The Bonneville Salt Flats,
where the world bread truck

land-speed record
trials are held.

Truckin' like
the Doo-Dah man.

He's right behind us.
You better step on it.

Before he does.

[suspenseful classical music]

Giant gentlemen prefer Hanes.

Nice gams.

You're getting close.

When we get to the
clearing, we'll slow down.

We better jump out.

If we make it.

We will.

Get ready.

Let's do this
again in 10 years.

Ready? Ready? Run!

Looks like an
episode of Cop Rock.

'Cause the rock and the...

[groans]

I know. I'm sorry

Roar. I smell something good.

Find a Chevy
truck, pick it up,

all day long you'll
have good luck.

Pretty truck.

[grunts]

What a pig. I mean he's
big and all but, really.

I think he likes
it. He's goin' for it.

He likes the rye. I told you
we shoulda made more rye.

What's your soup today?

Oh no! We smell like bread!

[all] Nooo!

Waiter, oh waiter?

Oh no, it backfired.
He's grown in 12 ways.

[suspensful classical music]

He ate too fast, it's
gone right to his head.

He's got a yeast-over.

KTLA predicts...

The case of Army
Colonel and Manning,

The Colossal Man who
went berserk in Las
Vegas not long ago,

- is in the news again today.
- Remember that?

He must have a good agent.

Military authorities
last night admitted,

that the earlier
announcement he had been

accidentally destroyed
was an error.

Hey look, nobody's perfect.

He was captured
alive today in Mexico.

And plans are underway
to fly him back

across the border in a
troop carrier transport.

Thing.

Tonight, the Kennedy Center

for the Arts presents Pavarotti.

You may quote me in
saying that the Nation

and its Representatives
and Congress have nothing

but gratitude for our Sister
Republic south of the border.

For their unstinting
cooperation.

And their bread.

And we're proud
of Major Baird,

and the way he handled the
problem of the Colossal Man.

It was a good job all around.

That's all for now.

Well, now that
he's being brought

back to the United States,

what does Congress
plan to do about him?

Do about whom?

I withdraw the question.

The giant man.

Oh, as far as I
know, that matter

doesn't come under
congressional jurisdiction.

I was given to understand the
Department of Medical Research

takes over from this point on.

Pass me that buck.

Fred Murtz?

More like bundts
and honeydew.

Naturally, we'll do what
we can in a scientific way.

But it's impossible
for this department

to assume the responsibility
of his feeding and custody.

So, we're putting
him up at the Watergate.

Why don't you take
this question up with

the Health and
Welfare Department?

Yes, that's my theme music.

The man in case was referred

to us here and
Health and Welfare,

but we found it laid outside the

scope of our original
appropriations.

So we turned him
out in the street.

I have an idea if he's
turned over to Congress

for action during
the present session.

I can't imagine who
told you to call me.

I told you not
to call me here.

The problem is it weren't for

the Legislative
Branch to settle.

Why don't you call the Pentagon?

Bert I. Gordon
sticks it to the man.

Guests of the Pentagon fly
U.S. Military Air Transport.

Recommended by John Sununu.

Tell the pilot to
circle the field once more.

The movie's not quite over.

U.S. 11034, you're to
circle the field again.

Roger.

He has enough fuel left
for five more minutes, Mayor.

Roger.

I can't understand you're
not giving your permission

for him to land under
those circumstances.

I think I've made our
position pretty clear.

We have no facilities
for a giant here.

But the sign said,
"Giants Welcome".

That plane runs out of gas,

it's coming down whether
you like it or not.

It can't stay any
longer, then it's necessary

to refuel and take off again.

Take off for where?

We need time to decide
what to do with him.

Can't you find us a warehouse
to keep him in temporarily?

Our warehouses are
all located in the
heart of the city.

Must be a nice downtown.

This creature's
presence there

would constitute too
great a police problem.

Now that applies to every
other large downtown building

including the Colosseum.

Have you considered
the Hollywood Bowl?

He's not ready for
the Hollywood Bowl.

But I can't have him
exposed to the weather.

He'’ll rust or something.

Well, I can't make
any further suggestions.

Well you're a big help.

Oh.

That hangar doesn't
seem to be in use.

Oh yes, my
coats--Oh that hangar.

That's impossible.

This airport is
one of the major

traffic centers of
the Western World.

That's why we're
so over-staffed.

Do you realize
what it would mean

if an uncontrollable monster
should get loose here?

I give you my word.

We won't keep him here a minute

longer than is
absolutely necessary.

OK.

All right.

Miss Hathaway, tell
them they can land.

Tell the ship to
come in for a landing.

Jethro, you can
come in for a landing.

U.S. 11034, you may
land on runway 1-7-0.

Hope Glenn took
some Dramamine.

That big guy was kickin' the

back of my seat the whole way.

Hey, look, the fly's open.

Look, he's levitating.

Glenn, turn over.

[grunting]
Sounds like a mini-bike.

Has anyone seen Glenn?

Why are you keeping
Glenn here at the airport?

Lady, do you
ever stop griping?

I'm holding him
here 'til Washington

decides what to do with him.

What to do with him?

He ought to be in a
hospital getting treatment.

They don't make
hospitals that big, Joyce.

Touché.

Besides, the
Doctors haven't turned

up anything that can help.

Why don't they treat
him with sulfhydryl?

Isn't that what they
said would cure him?

Well, they found it
stopped his growth but,

I'm afraid it won't reverse it.

I see.

He'll just have to get a
job and try to fit in somehow.

They can't keep
him here as if

he was some kind of cattle.

No, we're keeping him
here 'cause he's a big freak.

It's just for the time being.

I'm afraid the world
doesn't think of a

60 foot man the
way a sister does.

I read that on a
Hallmark card once.

Don't touch anything.

[grunting]

I'm taking down everything
he says, everything.

Sergeant Bilko,
what's he doin' here?

I said I hate futons.

I suppose it's necessary to
keep him tied down like this.

Yeah, it's fun too.

If I could trust him, I
could let him have more freedom.

As it is, I have
to play it safe.

This guy's inner child
is bigger than all of us.

Glenn Manning!

[screaming]

Yo, here! Right here.

As you see, he doesn't
even know his name.

Colonel Manning!
Colonel Manning!

You're just doin'
that to annoy him.

Colonel Manning!

[grunting]

What a dope. We are so
much better than he is.

I gotta scratch my
nose, for Pete's sake.

[new wave music]

[grunting]

Ready? Ah!

Missed. Try it again.

OK.

Harder, now all together!

Come on, like
we rehearsed it.

Like Chorus Line.

Tug-of-war, next is
the three-legged-race.

Pull it up.

It's like, really
hard sir. You try it.

[grunting loudly]

Who's tough?

All he has to do is let go.

Like the Battle
of the Network Stars
with Telly Savalas.

Love ya, baby.

Grrr.

Ow, rope burns, ow.

That cuts it,
we're outta here!

Got anymore bread?

[robot makes baby coos]

They're cute at that age.

Oh, he's walking now.

Yeah, looks like
the amazing white guy.

I'd go in and I'll shave.

We're gonna try
the guns now, sir.

Hold your fire.

Head him away from the
planes with tear gas.

Anesthetic would do
better than tear gas.

Get some here on the double.

Captain, get reinforcements.

Well, we got his sister.

What are they
gonna do to him?

I don't know,
but I can't let him

loose among a million people.

Are you gonna
have to kill him?

If it comes down to it I will.

No, no. Please.

I'm responsible for
the lives of others first.

I'm responsible for the
lives of over 400 people.

See that Miss Manning
gets back to her hotel.

Yes sir. Come on sis.

I know how it is, come on.

What's that?

Is that some
kind of new plane?

Why are there so many
civilians milling around here?

[people screaming]

Where's the blue
Concourse, lady?

[gun shots]

Hey.

I'm workin' a chick
here, get your own.

We seem to be
aggravating him, sir.

Somebody get a slingshot.

[gun shots]

Up, up and away?
I don't think so.

Oh, he's eatin'
a la carte there.

[laughs]

Stay together cheeks,
stay together cheeks.

It's an emergency.

Hello, Ripley's?
Believe it or not.

This is Major Baird here.

Get all the aircraft
into the air at once.

That goes for the
Air Force Jets.

Everything, even the
stuff that doesn't fly.

Even people, everybody,
hop in the air.

OK, we'll meet at the
sports bar after this.

Right. Kill the giant.

[plane engine whirs]

Stock footage away.

More stock footage away.

[grunting]

I think he's hungry again.

Oh good, Mr.
Drysdale is here.

Stay clear in case he falls.

[gun shot]

Win yourself a Kewpie
doll. Two shots for a dollar.

Win somethin' for
the little lady.

Ding.

It's a Salad Shooter.

You get a choice of vegetable
or juice. Here it is.

It's got kind
of a smoky taste.

That's a strong
taste definitely.

Look out, men!

I think he just
saw the check, sir.

Come on, I dare you
to go sit in the ice.

You got a big 'ol head.

A big 'ol head, yeah.

Hi Gretchen,
hi Paul, hi Keeba.

Now, that's over.

City council is up
in arms about this.

Public has a right to
protection, you know.

We understand your
position Mr. Mayor.

I came off of Washington for the

sole purpose of
straightening this thing out.

We're here to decide
what's to be done.

He's safe now, is he?

Well, he's too weak to
break loose at the moment.

Well, let's go play on him.

He's out of touch with
his wild beast inside.

He lost considerable blood
in his attempt to escape.

Besides that, we've taken
extra precautions with him.

Extra special precautions.

Let me show you.

OK, so when can
I take him home Doc?

We keep a watch on
him night and day.

Those manacles were
especially wrought

to stand 10 times
this man of strength.

These are the
chains he forged in...

We have them
anchored in cement

weighing two tons and
some 12 feet in the air.

[sniffing]

Guards have been doubled

and we keep a reserve
force in standby duty.

Smells like a
monkey house in here.

There's not much
chance he'll give us

anymore trouble
for the time being.

Well you certainly
have taken measures.

But you can't expect to
keep him here for life.

Have you any idea what'll
happen to him eventually?

Well, that depends.

On you, the viewer.

Do you see any hope
that he'll ever improve?

Well, I'd rather have
you ask Dr. Carmichael.

Dr. Carmichael.

Yes, this is Carmichael.

Dr. Carmichael, Mayor.

Can I call you Hoagie?

General Mills.

Major Nelson.

What can you tell 'em
about your patient, doctor?

Well he's tall for his age.

Well, the big
question now is his mind.

He may be suffering
from amnesia,

shell-shock, loss of memory,
whatever you want to call it.

In that case, we have techniques

now that'll bring him out of it.

On the other hand, if his brain
tissue has suffered injury,

he'll be a psychopathic case
and a menace until he dies.

Like Jerry Lewis?

Is there any way of telling?

We're starting him
on group on Monday.

An examination can do that.

How soon can you
proceed with it?

Almost immediately.
[phone rings]

After I take this call.

Please do so.

We'll decide what's to
be done with Manning

as soon as we have
the Doctor's findings.

We'll keep you posted, John.

[yawns loudly]

And I'll check
with you before

I return to Washington, Major.

Yes, sir.

Just end the scene
for cripes sake.

Drag it out.

Did I tell you that a man's
life depends on this plasma?

A big man.

I know 10 gallons is a lot,

but Dr. Carmichael explained
the case to you this morning.

And that's just for his hat.

I can't sit here
and argue about it,

it's needed right away.

Just a moment please.

Would you tell
him how big he is?

Dr. Carmichael.

Remember he's
big, keep lookin' up.

Will you talk to the
Red Cross people please?

They refuse to send
anymore plasma for Glenn.

They say we've used
too much already.

No, no. Tell
them I'm not here.

Tell them I paid the bill.

Help me out over here.

Seems like everyone is
afraid of the Red Cross.

Major Baird.

Annette and I will
see that you get

back all the blood we
used for this case.

Now, you'll send over
what we need immediately.

Type. Type O. Type
oh my God, he's huge.

Goodbye.

They'll have it
here in half an hour.

Or it's free.

Major, wait. I
want to thank you.

Forget it.

I'm sorry for what
I said yesterday.

I know you've tried to save
Glenn as much as you could.

You look tired, Joyce.

Sleep.

Isn't it time you went home?

I suppose it is.

There's an army
car waiting outside

if you would like
to go home in that.

With a soldier to
see me to the door?

This time, I'll do it myself.

That was an easy date.
General Smooth makes his move.

[snoring loudly]

Get your paws off my sister.

[suspenseful classical music]

Sure is big huh?
My little brother.

Can you believe it? How ironic.

"Had to leave, in the
circus end again. Ooh."

I just dreamed I was little.

Chains. My baby's got
me locked up in chains.

And they are the kind
that you can see.

Help, there's a normal
size person under my bed.

This is an
electro-encephalograph.

So don't touch it.

It records impulses set off

by different parts of the brain.

And it makes great taffy.

Records him on this paper,
making these wavy lines.

You hit this key,
you get a Samba.

We're gonna try to stimulate

your brother's mind
with various ideas.

If one happens to arouse
a response, it will cause

a tiny electric current
to occur in his brain

and that in turn will be greatly
amplified by this machine.

And greatly appreciated.

That will register
on this paper.

And what will that tell us?

Nothin', it's just for kicks.

If he responds to anything,
it means curable amnesia.

Or something, I forget.

If not...

I understand.

Good, will you
explain it to me?

I can't make heads
or tails out of it.

Will you get this out please?

Oh no. It's being repossessed
by the Military again.

[laughs]

Little Army joke.

Ah, to be young and be able
to push around a big machine.

OK. Surprise. Happy
Birthday to you...

Dr. Richardson, how's
the examination coming?

My nurse fell down [mumbles].

Getting along well,
I'll be down in a minute.

I'll get your
instrument ready.

Will you hook this up please?

Bill, bring the projector.

Get that cat
out of here. Meow.

Set it up over there.

Hey, check out
this blackhead,

it's as big as an anjou pear.

Screen going to be all
right outside, doctor?

His mouthwash
just ain't makin' it.

Yes, that's fine.

Glenn, this is a film about
V.D., watch it carefully.

Well, fellas, take your time
about setting the scene up.

Hey, hey, hey, we're
shootin' a movie here.

Hey, get off the set.

Oh, you belong there.

Will our first
contestant please come down?

We gotta go.

See ya. It's been
nice talkin' to ya.

See ya later, Glenn. Bye.

[doors closing hydraulically]

I am James Ungenteen Ktla,
and I predict your future.

These are the events
that will change

and illuminate your daily life.

Except, you aren't there yet.

Future date: 1998.

Ktla predicts personal
helicopters mean

freedom of travel for everyone.

Future date: 2105.

Ktla predicts richly
fulfilled future famulites

will enjoy a dinner of shrimp
paste underwater in aquadomes.

How? Why?

They'll travel to work and
play in personal two-man subs.

Thanks to the
Miracle Acrylic Dome.

All right. Let's work it now.

Future date: 2213.

Ktla predicts Alan Alda
revealed as anti-Christ,

and you are there.

Plus these extras:

Pope becomes grandmother.

Earl Scheib unable to
paint any car for 1995.

And the average
American will consume

15 times their weight in snow.

Wow. Take me to the bridge.

Future date: 2525.

Ktla predicts if man is still
alive, if women can survive,

they will find a stamp made
in the image of Martha Raye.

Cradle ports put you in
touch with your world.

Refreshing peppermint
soap proves

unsurpassed for 18 million uses.

All mild. All one.

Dilute for baby bath,
beach, body, shampoo,

sauna, and Chinese
essene burial ritual.

Dilute. Dilute. OK. All
One. Miracle of universe.

Impossible below PH3.

Absolute clean: Apply
Vaseline, oil, butter or cream.

Insert teaspoon
juicy lemon pulp.

Gotta go.

Has anybody seen him?

No. Tally Ho.

[barking]

[new wave music]

I was just actin'
screwy you guys.

I'll say.

I was just clownin' around.

Any opinion yet,
Dr. Richardson?

We're not ready to
publish yet. But he's big.

His parents
said he fell down.

He must have hit
his head on the rocks.

Of course the
wounds went untended,

so scar tissue
formed as you see it.

The shock of
such a fall would

indicate the
possibility of amnesia.

Milk of amnesia.

I don't understand it.

I get a normal,
nervous reaction,

that's certainly not
typical of amnesia.

Get a load of Mr.
Stage Business over there.

What's he doin'?

Are you ready for
the association tests?

You ready, Phil?

Oh, I'm in this
movie. I forgot.

Part one: toilet training.

Golden Books presents,
the World of Geography.

Glenn Manning. Look at
the picture in front of you.

I dare ya.

Does it mean anything to you?

It's your tax
dollars at work, Glenn.

You went to college
there, Manning.

[grunting]

We're gonna try another.
We're not getting any response.

Glenn, this is the Lusitania.

It has nothing to
do with your life,

but it was in the
packet in the gift shop.

Look again, Manning.

Look at this ship.

Your mother was on that ship.

It brought you back
to this country

after your service in Korea.

Your mother! Mother!

Does this bug you Glenn?

Try another one.

Glenn!

This is Sy Sperling,
President of Hair Club.

Look at this face.

Do you recognize it?

It's supposed to be you.

[grunting]

Won't spend much time on
this one, next slide please.

Does this man
mean anything to you?

You have five seconds.

Do you understand?

It's your face!

We'll come back to
this one if we have time,

but they're gonna
get harder now.

What do you think Doc?

I like the picture
of his college.

I don't see a
use in continuing.

He doesn't seem to respond.

Let me try, please.

Remember these.

You must
remember, Glenn, try.

Your childhood. Remember
your bicycle, Glenn?

It was red and it
had a light on it.

And you hit me with it.

We had fun when we were
kids, didn't we Glenn?

We had joy, we had fun, we
had seasons in the sun, Glenn.

Your first high school date.

When Dad let you take the
car. You were so proud.

Now you're an
enfeebled freak.

You must remember, Glenn.

You must remember this.

A kiss is still a kiss.

Please, Glenn.
Please try to remember.

[grunting loudly]

Glenn.

Oh my goodness, he's flashing

on the Uncle Dan in
the closet thing.

Glenn.

[screaming loudly]

You were a big help.
The slides were working.

I got nowhere else
to go. I got nothin'.

Giant fails last chance.
Giant fails last chance.

What does that mean?
He's gonna get the chair?

Now, how are they gonna
make a chair that big?

Have any money on him?

Get your orders?

Shipping him out
tomorrow morning.

The Navy has a ship ready
to take him to the island.

It's a small one about
60 miles off the coast.

Nice beach, good view.

It'll take all
night to get him ready.

Sponge bath alone will
take two, three hours.

Told Joyce yet?

No.

You better.
She's at her hotel.

I'll see you back here
in about a half an hour.

Thanks for the cheek marks
on the desk, Eisenhower.

[door closes]

Nah, I still don't get Zippy.

[suspenseful classical music]

Sounds kind of like Lurch.

He's all blocked up.

Think he's got an itch.

Love in the time of colitis.

He'll be well provided for.

An airlift is being
setup and food will

be parachuted down to him.

And he has a trust fund.

He'll be supplied
with everything he needs.

Is that a clock?

Just the same, it's horrible.

No, that's an astro-light.

There's no place
in the civilized

world for a creature that big.

So, we're sending
him to Cleveland.

Have you seen
what's happened to him?

He'll be happier by himself.

I haven't got time for this.

I suppose I should
agree with you,

but I can't help feeling
terribly sorry for him.

Well, look at it
this way, Glenn has

become a total stranger to you.

He's not your brother
anymore, but a monster.

With the instincts
of a wild beast.

But that happens
in families...

There's nothing you and
I, or anyone else can do

that will ever change him
back to what he once was.

Anchors away, Glenn [laughs].

I love teasing him like that.

Private, don't
tease the giant.

[suspenseful music]

Oh heck, stay together
cheeks. Excuse me.

[snoring jokingly]

It's kind of like the
great escape of Glenn's head.

[spooky classical music]

This is bull. I'm
outta here. This bites.

Will he be alone
on this island?

The Navy will
land an inspection.

What is this, 20 questions?

He's goin' to an
island. Come on.

I'd like to go
with him, if I can.

I thought you would. So
it's been arranged for you.

Goodnight Joyce.

Oh, wait.

Really?

I know you've done
everything you can

for him Mark, and for me.

Thank you.

Is that a big jack
with lights on it?

[phone rings]

It's just a lamp.

Hello?

Major Baird? Just a
moment, he's right here.

Hee-haw, it's Sam Wainwright.

Major Baird here.

[dramatic dark music]
When?

Well, he was checked
OK just 10 minutes ago.

Glenn has escaped.

He snuck out.

Let me speak
to Dr. Carmichael.

I can't sir, he's dead.

Therefore, unable
to come to the phone.

Round up the
usual large suspects.

This is an
all-points bulletin.

The Colossal Man is
loose in Los Angeles.

All units report
immediately upon contact.

I repeat: The Colossal Man
is loose in Los Angeles.

All units report
immediately upon contact.

Pep Boys and Dinettes.

[sirens wailing]

There's a giant on the loose
and he's got a big caboose.

Car 54, where are you?

Meanwhile, at
the Daily Planet...

Will they know where you are?

Hope not, wanna drink?

Yes, I told Harris we'll be

here in the office
waiting for news.

I've got a silk kimono,
mind if I slip into it?

Let me have the
police department.

I have't even
tried anything yet.

I'm calling for Major Baird.

Grrr.

Yes, we know he's escaped.
Has he been sighted yet?

Who is he, Mr.
Rogers all of a sudden?

I see.

Like the sporty
look? Is this OK?

No police reports,
he hasn't been seen.

Where could he be?

He signed with the
William Morris Agency,

now we'll never find him.

Quo Vadis, with
Peter Ustinov.

[phone rings]

Hello, shadow-y office? Grrr.

He's been spotted
in Griffith Park.

Do you have a map?

Yes, I've got the map of
Griffith Park right here.

I'm the same guy
in the same office.

Surround the
area and move the

infantry in on him
'til we make contact.

Yes sir.

Don't open fire 'til he's
isolated from all civilians.

Yes sir.

And then only if
absolutely necessary.

Yes sir.

Have the place block
off all access roads.

- Yes sir.
- They're good at that.

Move up our communications.

We'll setup the
headquarters in the hills.

Yes sir.

I'll take command.

Right.

I declare Martial law.

Attention all units.
Attention all units.

The Colossal Man is in
the Griffith Park area.

Get the description right.
Male, Caucasian. 60 feet tall.

Answers to the name
Glenn or Hey Big Guy.

Proceed to the
Ferndale entrance.

Road blocks will
be setup at once.

We interrupt our
regular program to

bring you a special
police bulletin.

The Colossal Man
has broken loose.

And is now known to be in the
vicinity of Griffith Park.

Steps are being taken
to recapture him.

It's Jack Lemmon.

Do not go near
the area. I repeat.

Do not go near the area.

You may endanger your
life by doing so.

Hey, let's go near the area.

You are certain
to impede emergency

services which need all
the space they can get.

This station is dispatching
a mobile unit for

on the spot coverage at
the scene in Griffith Park.

Ktla, over and out.
Keep watching the skies.

Oh, I see.

They let the bus from Duluth
go near the area, but we can't.

It's the cast of
Rebel Without a Cause.

They get to go near the area.

[people chattering]

Car 54, where are you?

One Adam 12. See the man.

Neighbors report giant man
kicking over garbage cans.

Hey bud, pull out.

I'm waiting for
a load of kids.

Where are they?

In the Griffith Observatory,

lookin' for a
sputnik or something.

Hurry them up and get out of

the park as quick as you can.

What's gonna happen?

There's trouble. The giant
man is loose around here.

What, are these
kids in night-school?

No. Day for night-school.
It's Hollywood.

Let's go. Hurry
it up. All aboard.

Come on, I got a bus to move.

Ha. Bust-a-move.

[new wave music]

Can I have a gun? You
said I could have a gun.

Setup a road block here.

He's somewhere between
us and the observatory.

A road block?

Why don't you just draw a line

on the highway and tell
him not to cross it?

Give me my boom box.

[suspenseful music]

Yep. A lot of films
crashed on this curve.

Check it out. It's
the Tonight Show's set.

I didn't know that.

So that's what they're doin'.

Jeez, we're really
up here aren't we?

We're gonna go with
our Haggar slacks now?

Hmm-mmm.

Nice.

This is Major Baird at
the Griffith Park road block.

You're not gonna believe
where I'm calling you from.

I'm outside, on a shoe phone.

Oh, it's a premier.

They're gonna send
out Army Archer next.

It's a used car
sell-a-thon. What a feeling.

Ladies and gentlemen,
you're witnessing a manhunt--

Ktla is everywhere.

For the biggest
man in existence.

We're in Griffith Park. It's
been surrounded by troops.

Big troops.

They're moving out
to try to make contact.

We're hoping he breaks into
song when we lights at him.

That building
your seeing there

is the Griffith Observatory.

It's a nice place. You
should visit sometime.

The giant is tearing
people apart like bread.

No, I just added that.
Journalistic license, and all.

Anyway, back to Rebel
Without a Cause.

Remember, this is brought to you

by True Value Hardware stores.

Put your clothes
on, it's the cops.

I want a jury to cover
the mountain on all sides.

A jury? What kinda jury?

Particularly here and here.

Funny-face tank.

Cuddly funny tank.

This is the tanks I get.

That was a real Jeep joke.

Get the Bat Signal ready.

Flashlight tag. You're it.

Wait, I'm not ready. Two,
three, four. How does it start?

He's parked on an
incline, you're gonna

want to turn those
wheels probably.

Rat patrol, pass it on.
Rat patrol, pass it on.

Arthur? Laurie?
Hurry, we're leaving now.

Sure, I'd go up in a rocket
ship. What's to stop me?

They've got all of
the problems solved.

You wouldn't have
anybody to talk to.

This kid has a rocket
in his pocket I think.

I'm cold. I wish Mom
would've made me bring my coat.

Girls mature faster.

I'd talk to all the people
back on earth by radio.

Maybe I'd even call you, Laurie.

Laurie.

That way, when your
father's objecting to you

talking on the phone too long,

you just tell him it
was someone on the moon.

That wouldn't make any
difference to my father.

What, are we suddenly
in a different movie?

What's going on?

Maybe the
martians have landed.

The teacher's
been calling us.

Let her call.

Boy, look at all
those search lights.

Ktla knows you.

We're going to meet
some of the officers.

We couldn't have
done it without him.

Any trouble with the public

causing congestion
in the disaster area?

Not this time.

They seem to be
keeping the roads

pretty well open for us.

Sounds like the
cop's kinda congested.

I understand you were
able to get everyone out

of the park before anything
could happen to them.

That's right.

We really appreciate you
men at a time like this.

Quit kissing up, Ktla.

Oh, there's Glenn now. That's
the top of the observatory.

[people murmuring]

Oh officer, there was
a tour bus from Westmont

Junior High up at the
planetarium tonight.

Did you see it come down?

All cars were checked out
of the park sometime ago.

Are you sure?

My daughter Laurie was on it.

I've been waiting for
her down at the corner.

You see, we live in Glendale.

And I thought if I
picked her up here

and drove her home, she
could get her sleep.

Yeah, yeah. Make
it short, sister.

I got things to do.

She has to get up so
early on school days.

I brought her coat
in case she's cold.

Wait a minute and I'll check.

Thank you.

- Arthur? Laurie?
- We better go.

Cut it out mom,
I'm makin' time.

There's nothing for
you to worry about.

The bus is still up there
but it seems to be safe.

Can't I go through? Let
me go to Laurie, please.

She ought to have her coat.

I wanted her to take it
when she left the house.

Yeah, you told
me that already.

She'll be all
right without it.

Just you take it easy
and wait right here.

Lost in the valley of
the shadow of the sub-plot.

Laurie Edwardson, Arthur
Lang, where have you been?

Coming of age?

Over there,
watchin' the lights.

They're a lot of
people down there.

Something's the matter.

Well get in the bus,
quickly. We have to go.

Look, look at the giant!

Oh yeah, hi. How are ya?
I get that all the time.

Seen it. I'm a
lineman for the county.

Ktla, no.

He's tremendous.

[people exclaiming]

Wait, I think I see Humphrey
Bogart in Emot Ett Kvitto.

[mysterious music]

A Spielberg film
all of a sudden.

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for being here.

I didn't know it was
gonna be stand up only.

I used to live in a circus tent.

Glenn Manning.
You are surrounded.

By people who love you.

It is impossible
for you to escape.

We wanna show
you more slides.

[grunting]

Is that Ktla down there?

I wanna talk straight to Ktla.

[grunting]

I repeat. Escape
is impossible.

You won't be harmed if you
give yourself up at once.

I've heard that before.

Give yourself up, Glenn.

To a higher power.

Give yourself up.

Surrender yourself or
you will be destroyed.

I'll see they go easy on ya.

[ominous music]

[grunting]

Come on cop-per, you'll
never take me alive.

Grr. Grr.

Spotlight dance,
Glenn Manning.

[screams loudly]

[children screaming]

Oh Willy, I
can see the house.

That's Laurie's bus. Please
let me go. That's Laurie.

Don't you think somebody's
got to do something?

I've seen bigger
guys than that before.

This is a job for Superman.

[sobbing]

[mumbling]
Hey, stop, wait, come back.

Joyce, come back.

You still have to
write Fennegan's Wake.

[ominous music]

Hey, hold the bus.

[children screaming]

- Laurie!
- Stella!

McCloud!

[crying] Laurie.

Glenn W. Manning, you come
right down here this instant.

Put that down right now.

Put it down.

I'm the God, I'm the God!

Listen to me Glenn, please.

I'd call this a good argument

against bussing, wouldn't you?

What if you bus
your kids, they

might get picked up by a giant?

You never know.

Put them down.

[children screaming]

Put them down, Glenn.

This is really getting
embarrassing, Glenn.

Put them down.

Put them down Glenn, please.

"I'll put 'em down."

And don't tilt it
either. On the tires!

Ow. ow.

OK, now pick it up again.
Come on, 10 more reps.

Please Glenn,
listen. Try to think.

You must, Glenn
please. Try to think.

You try to think
but nothin' happens.

Oh my God, I'm
Sinead O'Connor.

Wait here with me, Glenn.

They're coming for us.

They're coming to
take us away, ha-ha.

They're coming to take us
away, ho-ho, he-he, ha-ha.

Sis, pull my finger.

What am I? What am I?
Get it? Sistine Chapel.

Like that? I got another
one too. Watch the bunny.

Joyce.

So Glenn is pro-Joyce.

Aw, forget it.
Nobody loves me.

I gotta get some
air. It's a big country.

I better go see part
of it before I die.

Wait, Glenn, wait.

If you walk away now,
there's gonna be another sequel.

Oh, no.

Glenn? Glenn,
what are you doing?

Glenn?

Don'’t you do-
Don't do that.

Don't you even think
about doing that.

Glenn, don't.
Don't. Don't do it.

Don't do it Glenn.

Oh, stop. Glenn, no!

[screaming loudly]

He became Ted Turner
now. Colorize the movie.

Got shocked all
the way back to Oz.

Hmm-mmm. That's good voltage.

I don't think this method
is a final exit, guys.

Glenn, the Governor
called, oh nevermind.

He's just disappeared.
That happens.

- Let's us disappear.
- Okay.

- Shocking.
- Excuse me.

[doors closing hydraulically]

Oh boy, I gotta admit
guys, a movie that bad...

Yep, that was bad.
Bad City, Arizona.

Bad-o-rama.

I think it made
me kinda drowsy.

Bad to the b-b-bone.
Born to be bad.

Bad, bad, bad.

Born under a bad sign.
Been bad so damn long.

Try a piece. Taste anything?

I think I've tasted
something like that somewhere.

Tastes kinda like
Fritos, or tuna fish.

Yeah, I made it with my
little toe and permanent.

Joel, what?!

[spitting fiercely]

Give me a bite of that.

Yeah, Tom Servo,
you try some.

Hey, that one has
a tunnel of drugs.

Yeah, Phenobarbital.

Enough to knock you out
for about eight hours.

[yawning]

You guys, I'm just kidding.
We gotta read a letter.

It's always funny
until someone gets killed.

Yeah, in particularly.

That one hit hard. Anyway...

This one is a letter. Let's
put that on stillstore Cambot.

And it says: Greetings from
the Colorado State Prison.

A few of us guys
here watch your show.

Keeps us laughing, so please
keep up the good work.

Your show makes doing
time a little bit easier.

Your loyal fans,
Anthony, Dave, and Jack.

All right, that's cool.

Brave on.

Free your mind my brothers.

Anyway, over to you, Glenn.

OK. How does this work?

Put this up on
stillstore, Cambot,

or rocket number nine
I guess it would be.

And this one says: Dear Joel,
Tom Servo, Crow and Gypsy.

I like Crow because
he talks a lot.

I've heard it, he does.

No wonder he has
a big, long mouth.

And I like Gypsy because
she has a purple mouth.

But the guy I like
the most is Joel.

He sleeps during the
movies, who can blame him?

And I think Tom Servo is cute.

And there's a little
picture there.

This is from Deborah M.

That's a cute kid.

You know, I used to have
little fans like this.

Before my career
was cut short.

Hey Glenn,
thanks for the help.

Anytime, friend. I'll be
right here if you need me.

Sure thanks, and good luck.

Just give me a
holler. I won't be far.

You know, mi casa es su casa.

What a sweet guy.

Yeah. What do you think sirs?

Well Tom Thumb, I think
I'll be at the bakery.

And as for you, these
Thorazine waffles

should get your day off to
a heavily medicated start.

I had Jell-O today.

Just start running, Frank.

[explosion]

[slow synthesizer music]