Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Hellcats - full transcript

-♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ Next Sunday, AD

♪ There was a guy
named Joel ♪

♪ Not too different
from you or me ♪

♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute ♪

♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit ♪

♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place ♪

♪ But his bosses
didn't like him ♪

♪ So they shot him
into space ♪

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst we can find
-♪ La la la

-♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor his mind
-♪ La la la

-♪ Now, keep in mind,
Joel can't control ♪

♪ When the movies
begin or end ♪

♪ Because he used
those special parts ♪

♪ To make his
robot friends ♪

-Robot roll call.

Cambot.

Gypsy.

Tom Servo.

Crow.

-♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts
-♪ La la la

-♪ Then repeat to yourself

♪ "It's just a show.
I should really just relax." ♪

♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪

-Hi, everybody.

Welcome to
the satellite of love.

Uh, we'll be right back.

-No, no, no, Joel, no.

We're not starting again.

[Sneezes]

-Bless you.
-Commercial side in 15 seconds.

-[Sneezes]

-Oh, Crow.

-Oh, Crow, here, you got a
little --Here, blow.

-Hey, Aqualung.

-Okay. A little more.
Blow harder.

-Commercial side
in five, four, three, two --

Commercial side now.

-[Sneezes]

-We'll be right back.

-Oh.

♪♪

-Oh, much better.

Whoa.
-Wow.

It really works.
-I feel great.

Hey, what did you put in
that vapor stuff, anyway?

-This says "tetrahydrozoline,sodium t. lauryl sulfate, UB-40,

FD&C red 40, Simply Red, flavor,
magnesium silicate,

a flowing agent, BHT, to
preserve flavor, and Spackle."

-Oh.

-It says, "May cause drowsiness.Do not operate heavy machinery."

-Uh, Joel, we are heavy
machinery, buddy.

-Cool, huh?
-Good one.

And it says it may
cause flashbacks.

-Hmm.

-Hey, Joel, the mad scientists
are calling.

-Uh-oh.

-And he says,
"That was number five."

-[Laughs]

-Oh, hello, Joel.

Ardy, here, suggested you gofirst on the invention exchange.

Have at it, space guy.

Deet.

-Ouch. Jeepers.

Well, my invention this week
is for sign language.

I don't know sign language,
so I invented this device.

It's a translator.

You speak into one end,

and it does International Sign
Language on the other.

Let me show you
what I mean.

Okay, uh,
let's do something simple.

"I..."

see?

"...love...

...you."

See how that works?
-Aww. That's really sweet.

-Yeah, and I also can do a --
I'd like to do a little --

do a little joke for our friendswho use sign language

who watch this show.

That's the number five.

You can do a lot of other thingswith it, too.

Like, it's a hearing aid.

Hearing aid.

Like that.

Voice amplifier.

Voice amplify.

And, uh, visor.

-Huh. Neat.
-See? Pretty neat, huh?

What do you think, sirs?

Straighten up.

-What?

Your movie today,
Joel, is...

-A biker film?

-Biker film.

Hey, how did
you know that?

-Well, you're on bikes.
I just sort of guessed.

-No!

-No!

-No!

-No!

-No!

-What are we
saying "no" for?

-I thought you knew.

-I was following your lead,
mama jama.

-Oh. Well, send them the movie,
then, Frank.

-I don't think I'm sold,
brother.

[Indistinct talking]

-I wonder why they didn't
bury him in a sidecar.

You know, they're bikers.

-Hey, look,
there's Yasser Arafat

in his teen days.

-Walk like an Egyptian, man.

-Yeah.

-Hair color
by Bozo the Clown.

-Jackets from
the Sonny Bono collection.

-Hey, here is a good space.

-Looks neat.

Let me help with that.

-I think this is the day
the music died, guys.

Kind of late with that coat,
aren't you?

-Oh, where was they
when they needed it,

when they needed
the coat?

-"Now, how much would you pay
for this Ginsu switchblade?

Wait, there's more!

You get the bread knife,
the Uzi automatic,

the love beads, a pair of
gloves, some guy's keys.

You know, professional lowlife
scum would pay $9.99

for this stuff.
But wait, there's more!

You also get this foxy biker
chick's Ginsu bra snappler."

-That thing is huge.

What's going on?
-Where's she going?

-I don't know.

-Hmm?
-Are you ready for that?

-Yeah.

-I wonder if those slobs would
be as gentle with that box

if they knew that their
dearly departed leader inside

was about to Rat Fink
on them?

-Yeah, it's too bad
Adrian got wise

just as we were
getting close to him.

-What is this,
Sergeant Exposition

and Detective Plot Point?

-...smelled like a rose.
-Well, no worry.

One of these days,
he's gonna stretch things

just a little too wide,
and then...

-I open my eyes.
-...we'll nail him.

-Well, we've been after him
for about 6 months, now.

Nothing.

-We'll get him.
-He's dead.

-You know what?
-Isn't he?

-We'll get them, too.

-Hey, Ted Bessell has got
nothing on that guy.

-Mr. Adrian?

Notice, uh, who came
to join the party?

-Chapman.
-Tracy Chapman?

-How can I miss him?

For the past 6 months,
he's been like my shadow.

-But not as chunky.

-But I think the next funeral
we attend might be his.

-Hey, the film guide said that
that guy is the director.

-Have Dean tell Sheila the nextpickup is tomorrow at Scorpio's.

-Tell Scorpio
to use his codename.

-Biking gang.

-Man, what are we gonna do
now that Big Daddy is snuffed?

-"Oh, use slang
as much as we can."

-Don't worry about it, Six Pack,we got us a new leader.

-Oh?
-Yeah, man?

-Lee Iacocca?

-Me, baby.

Me.

-"Sorry I brought it up.

Jeepers."

-Alright.
-Oh?

-Meanwhile,
in outer space.

-Movie Cops presents...

-Gemini.

-Anthony Cardoza,

featuring rich
Corinthian leather.

Backgrounds illustrated
with a Technicolor yawn.

-♪ Parading down the street

-Wow, they're really mean, but
they've got a great theme song.

-Oh, no. Ross Hagen.

♪♪

-♪ Don't mess around

-Six Pack.
That must be a biker, huh?

-Nah.
That's his Christian name.

♪♪

-Hey, Bro Beck.

Hope he plays Take Five.

-Candy Cave and her Romanian
cousin Sucrose Spelunker.

♪♪

-It's a Rorschach test,
isn't it?

-What do you see?

-Uh, I see a dismal film
ahead of us.

-Yeah, yep, yep.

-You know, it kind of looks like
Jackson Pollock

did the background
paintings.

-Yeah --
after the car accident.

-Hey, Gus Trikonis is in charge
of undercooked pork.

-Huh?

-Scab? How do you suppose
they picked him?

♪♪

-Hey, Davy Jones
before The Monkees.

-Oh, no it's not.
-Yes, it is.

It was before The Monkees.
-He would've been about 14.

He spelled his name
completely different.

-No way, fem bot.
-Uh, yes way, space swish.

-Hey. I'm gonna
shut you down.

-Shut down this.
-Shut it up, you two.

Come on.

-Hey, look, "children"
is spelled wrong, too.

That proves my point.
-No, it doesn't.

-Yes, it does.
-No, it doesn't.

-Does too.

-Oh, look,
there's Tony Houston.

You know what he was?
He wrote "Sidehackers," too.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

♪♪

-Houston, Hubbs,
Prince, and Hong.

Which one of these
doesn't belong?

-They're cops.

-Hey, Eric Lidberg,
he flew from New York to Paris.

-Would you shut up?

♪♪

-Motorcycles by Ford Puckett,
Kirby Puckett's brother.

-Hey, Bill,
your rear is done.

-Oh, geez.
That's cruel.

♪♪

Even if disagree,
it's all in good making fun.

-Yeah, it sure is.

-Cemetery furnishings
by Jiffy Tomb.

-Negative cutter. He says,
"Oh, I hate my job.

Everything about it
is bad."

♪♪

-Fine Corinthian leather.
-Cardoza.

-Oh, if this is a Slatzer film,
it might get really bloody.

-That's "slasher."

-Scenic love canal.

-Wow.

-Hey, they're playing the girl
from Ipanema, here.

-Long and cool
and tan and lovely,

the boy from Ipanema
goes biking.

And when he bikes, all the guys
on their motor trikes go, "Ah."

-Hmm. Hellcats, terrorizing
the desolate wastelands

for over half a century.

Man welded to machine.

-"Hey, fancy meeting you here."

-"Hmm, still a bike."

-Yep.

-"Here is your
modeling clay.

Made a bunny."

-Oh, smart.

They're in the middle
of nowhere,

but they make their drug deal
out in the open

by the side of the road
while a car passes by.

-Why do you think
they call it "dope"?

-Yeah, you're right.

-"Remember, we got bridge club
at 4:00."

-Yeah.

"Yeah, this thing will, uh -- I
get on this and the wheels..."

-[Singing]
"I know this wiener dude.

He sells this wiener food.

He gives me everything
from tire irons on down, hey.

I'd like to split his head open
with a tire iron."

[Speaking] I made
that up myself.

-Wow.
-That's great.

Hey, his two-cycle
has got some real

knocking and
pinging problems.

-Yep.

"Now, I just turn right
at the slag heap."

-Yeah, must be
on the way home.

Yeah, looks like
nice digs.

You know, it's not much,
but it's centrally located.

No kids cutting across the lawn,or anything.

"Hey, old lady, I'm home."

-You been on a tour
or something?

I've been waiting here
for over 2 hours,

and Adrian's gonna be
madder than hell.

-Ooh.
-Easy, mama.

-"Here is the money I made."

-Snake was late
running in from Mexico,

and I couldn't afford
to get caught

with that powder
in my pocket.

-"Ha-ha, nice read,
Richards."

-"I'm a stranger
to my own soul."

-"Oh, listen, there's a dance
next Friday,

and I was thinking maybe --
Oh, forget it."

-Wonder if she got
her bra back.

-Hey, I remember her now.

She was the star of
"Then Came Bronson."

-That was a guy.
-No, it wasn't.

-It was too.
-Was not.

-Was not was.
There.

I made a meaningless
pop culture reference.

Now, knock if off.

-Well, where is she going,
anyway?

-I don't know.
Nowhere in particular.

-Man, I sure envy her.

-Yeah, well, take it easy.

-For those of you
playing along at home,

Joel and Crow just re-enacted
the opening scene

of "Then Came Bronson."
We'll be right back.

-Hmm.

[Laughter]

-You're late.
-"Don Fido is mad. "

-I don't like waiting.

What did you hear from
the good detective Chapman?

-He's got us up tight.

-In that case,
we'll have to loosen things up.

-"I'm the director.

I make the music louder
when it's on me."

-"All done?

Shep, someday this will
all be yours."

-What a neat bunch.

-"Meanwhile, on Route 66,
James Dean takes a lazy spin."

-What's in store for these two
lame brains, here?

-"I said, 'I'm pregnant.'"

-"Oh, I just love
this Charles Ives music.

Got any
Ralph Vaughan Williams?"

-"It's me,
the director, again.

I use Vitalis."

-"Jimmy Huston,
co-writer and AD.

I got the dry look."

-"Let's park the Barbie Mobile
right here."

-"Let's park the Gangster Mobileright here."

-Do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

-"I need it now."

-"No. No."

-"Hmm?

Hey, Bob,
that's me up there."

-"Hmm."

-[Singing] "Take my hand.
I'm a stranger in paradise."

-She's wearing a Sunkist
promotional pantsuit.

Must be one of
the gold diggers.

-"Oh, boy,
what a tough lie.

Glad I brought
my light bag.

Thought I was playing
the Wilson four."

-"Steve has a problem.

His problem is down there.

Now, he must tell Eliza."

-Tell me.

-"Well, I was in Guam, and they
stuck bamboo under my nails.

Alright?"
-You broke your promise.

Quote, "Let's take a long drive
in the country."

-Unquote.

-"Maybe the fresh air
will clear my head."

I'm beginning to feel more like
a junkie than a narco cop.

-You're not supposed to take
them, just confiscate them.

-I hope one day I won't be your
yellow jacket, red, Benny H.

-Look, let's start over.

-Why do you think they call it
"exposition"?

-Huh?
-With a cigarette?

-They're in the car.
-So?

-Hey, he's the guy from the
beginning of the film --

Detective Plot Point.

-What I go through.

-Oh.

-"And get me a slug from
a .30-06 when you're up."

-Hey. Hey, I remember this from
"the Day of the Jackal," guys.

♪♪

-"And now, Red in
'The Silent Spot.'

Red plays a guy
about to get gunned down.

Let's watch."

-"Found this in a warehouse
in Dallas.

I hope it works."
-"You getting this, Zapruder?

Good."

And...

"Huh?"

-"Why, that sounds like Steve
taking a slug from a .30-06."

-"Steve's dead now.

From here on in,
Steve's death will be

represented
by the oboe."

-"Oh, what a time to dress wrongfor a slaying."

-"It's not like Steve
to run off and die."

-[Screams]

No!
-"My seat covers."

-Good scream.

-"Meanwhile,
in Gordon Gekko's jet."

-"Ah, so that's
how it works.

Alright."

-Ross Hagen. Oh, no.
-Oh, man.

-"Captain Ross Hagen
to you, pal."

-Thanks for the ride,
Turner.

-We owe you much more
than a ride, Sergeant.

-"You're a way of life,
and a piece of work."

-"Uh, hey, Steve, mind if we getin on some of that action?"

-Senator Carter,
Senator Lindfield,

this is my brother's fiance,
Linda Martin.

-My pleasure, Ms. Martin.
-"Ah, so she's available."

-Sergeant Chapman
told us what happened.

You have the deepest empathy
of both myself and...

-"The entire human race,
including Red China."

-Thanks again, sir.

-"Thanks for the jet."

-"You know,
these are great lyrics.

You've got real talent."
-That's it.

All Dave had
was the notebook.

-No names, no face,
you never saw anyone?

-"Just elbows. It was dark."

-"Hellcats."

-Do, do, do, do.

-I wonder.
-What?

-"Who wrote
'The Book of Love?'"

-If you hunt them
like you hunt people?

-Yeah, you kind of do.
Dig a 2-foot hole.

Put Crisco in it.
Oh, that's bears, um, yeah.

-Uh, that's the closet.

-What are you
planning to do?

-"Catch a show at the Copa.

Whenever a brother dies,
they fly me in for free.

I like to take advantage."

-Uh, Ross, you're, uh, you're
wearing her purse on your head.

-"I dare you to knock this
battery off my shoulder.

Go ahead. I dare you."

-"Utah.

I can't believe
I'm still in Utah."

"I'm filled with shame,
I am."

[Engine revs]

-Then came moron.

-Eek, eek, eek, eek.

♪♪

-Great song, huh?

-♪ I think I'll tag along

-"Hi. I'm Shelley.
Rub my belly.

-♪ I think I'll tag along

♪♪

-"Today's tough
but tender youth

driving the big steamers
across this great land."

-Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, oh.

Filmed in
Zapruder vision, guys.

-♪ Don't bother me
about my hair ♪

♪♪

-Innuendo Freeway.

-Yeah, you don't have to be
Fellini to figure that out.

♪♪

What's the point?

-Yeah, I bet if the scientists
sent us "Citizen Kane,"

it'd have a 20-minute
sled sequence in it.

-Yeah.

-Hey, Joel, what are these filmstrying to teach us about life?

-Well, I guess they're
trying to say that

we're born,
and then we die,

and there's lots of padding
in between.

-Hmm.
-Yeah.

-Interesting.

Ooh, focus.

-Oh, couldn't they just
have ordered out?

That's a long way to go
for a taco.

-"Oh, wrong place.

We better start
cruising again."

-Buh, bum, buh,
buh, buh, dum.

-Go for the throat.

-Uh, maybe you should clear
your throat first.

-Hmm.

Moonfire Inn, huh?

Looks like a nice
country inn.

Maybe we'll see
Bob Newhart.

-Whoa. What happened
to his head?

-Oh, Linda Blair.

-Making a ship
in a bottle?

-Ah, men,
enjoying their manliness.

[Imitating grunting]

-Excuse me,
that's illegal.

-Well, hi, ho.

-"Hi, ho."
Is he a dwarf?

-Come to Little Daddy, do.

-Back off, Six Pack.

It's too early,
and I'm too sober.

-"And my voice
is dubbed incorrectly."

-I'm drunk enough
for both of us.

You know I always like to start
things off with a bang.

-Yeah, you do.
-Back away, Pack.

-Get her, Pack.

-Yeah.

-Geek.

-Hey, baby.

-I don't mind
telling you

he looks a lot like
Gilbert Gottfried.

-I'll blast you.

-Oh, wah, wah,
wah, wah, wah.

-"That better be beer."
-Hey, man.

I didn't see you, man.

Let me buy you a beer.
-Uh, you just did.

-"Oh, let me get out
of some of these wet clothes,

and into a dry martini, huh."

-I'll be right back.

-Who does your decorating,
Paul Revere and the Raiders?

-"I'm bemused but charmed
by this plucky stranger."

-"I resent him."

-Hmm. It's a book-signing party
for "150 Sex."

-Well, it looks like
Jim Gardner

poked out Mariette Hartley's
eye, there.

-"Hey, what's my motivation
in this scene?

Okay, got it."

-Hey, yo, where you from?

-"Sidehackers."

-A ways north.

-That's cute, man,
real cute.

He asked you
where you're from.

-And I said "north."
-Flying colors?

-Man, we've been busted
so many times,

the only colors I fly
are exhaust black.

-Ooh.-I never could run with a loser.

-Oh?
-Oh?

-What are we
talking about?

-This is the main mama.

-You hot?

-"Oh, it's just the humidity."

-But I say, take your old lady,
and that hog, and you move.

-Huh?
-I tell her "blue."

-What the heck
are they saying?

It's like he's speaking
in an ancient tongue.

-And they say,
"Not here, you don't."

And they smack me five times
on the wrist.

-Oh, he went to a
Catholic school, probably.

Yeah.

-You sound like
a preacher.

-Yeah, all mouth.

-Oh, he's a pushover.

-He's no fun.
He fell right over.

-"Hey, you almost spilled
my shamrock shake."

-You hit Daddy.
-He hit Big Jake.

-Nicely done.

-Hmm.

-"I've got my eye
on you."

-Back off.

-Let's get out of here,
and back off ourselves.

Let's go, you guys.

-What are these
people saying?

-Well, how about a couple
more beers, man?

Huh?

-Let's see here,

"Dear diary.
Call me Ishmael."

[Laughs]
Just kidding,

Let's try that again.
"Dear diary, June 10th.

This day started strangewhen Crow and I got into a fight

in the load pan bay.
Period.

It all started when, unprovoked,Crow called me a, quote,

'sweat-beetle dick-weed.'
end quote. Period.

Then, all of the sudden,
he jumped me,

and the next thing I know,
I was winning.

When Joel discovered us,
he had to steam hose us off.

It was a real mess. Period.

Uh, paragraph there.

Um -- damn electric
typewriters.

Oh. Okay.
Here we go.

Joel says when Crow and I
get into fights,

even if isn't my fault,

we should remember
the good times we had together.

"Like the other day" --
or maybe it was last year,

uh, before
my voice changed.

Uh, Cambot, would you serve thatup for us, please?

Uh, perhaps it was
2 weeks ago, on my...

-Must get back
to Galileo Seven.

Lives of 400 crew members
hang in balance.

-Vision fading.

Must...

Must cut transponder
from wrist,

fashion crude phaser device
with bed slat and leg bone.

-Must control myself.

Must find pastel-colored
native female.

Execute prime directive.

-Hands so young-looking.

Mrs. Berg,
I thought you were dead.

-Throat scratchy. Ugh.

Hand so dry,
can scratch name into it.

-Embarrassing cuticles
on fingernails.

Must utilize emotional memory,
and get to the...

-Stop it. Stop it.

-Stop?
-No. Unh-unh.

-That was my big scene, Joel.

--Hey, yeah,
we were just getting into it.

-This just isn't working.

I don't know how Shatner does itweek after week.

-I don't know why he does it,
or who lets him do it.

-I think we should just
be glad he does it.

-"...3 months."

We'll be right back.

Okay. I got it.

"It was a fortnight ago,
and it was a..." --

Hey --
"...a dark and stormy night."

-Hey, what were you doing
in there, anyway?

-Oh, not much.
Just typing.

Cambot gave me
an e-flashback.

-Oh.

-Let me see if you've got
whooping cough. Sit.

-I doubt it.
-Take a look at it.

-Yeah.
-Appreciate it.

-"You want me to go
right now?

I will."

"Nice guy.
Kind of funny."

-You know, those glasses
just don't disguise

the receding hairline,
there, do they?

-If he drew eyes up on top.

-"Looks like an unsavory
character.

I can't have any of that.

I better call
Plot Stoppers."

-"Hello, Angels."

-Good boy.

Information
never hurts, Jack.

Keep them open.

-Hilde?
Hilde?

-"Mom?"

-How's panini sound?

-Mmm.

-I thought
you'd like it.

-Her back looks like
a Klingon's forehead.

-Time to move on?

-What do you call that?

-Illegal.

-"Oh, lunch coming up."

[Indistinct talking]

-It looks like every selection
there is "Louie Louie,"

except for this one.

[Speaks indistinctly]

-♪ I go out when
the mood is right ♪

-Oh, did you knowthis cameraman got his first job

on "Midnight Special?"
-Hey, Louise Lasser.

♪ And then,
I take my baby's hand ♪

♪ And tell her I'll always
be her man ♪

-Susan, dead at 21.

-♪ 'Cause I can't
take a chance ♪

-"Kipper, sells lightly salted
meat products."

-"Six Pack, currently working
for 'Roseanne Barr Show.'"

-"Little Sally, Girl Friday
to Susan St. James."

-"Slugger, found dead with CoorsParty Ball lodged in throat."

-"Spaz-y, broken neck shortly
after filming at this movie."

-"Puck, co-founder of the
Avant-Garde Dance Group."

-"Iggy Pop,
we don't know why."

-"And Patches."

-"Squatter, took a baseball on
the head in the third inning

at an Angels game."

♪♪

-I hope that's beer.
-Yikes.

♪♪

-Oh, hey, Shields and Yarnell,
working the crowd

with their famous
sidewalk grope-out routine.

-"I can't stop doing this.
You think I like doing this?

I can't stop."
-"That was number nine."

-Somebody put a wallet under
the guy's tongue, or something.

-"Bad. Bad girl. Naughty."

-"Timothy Hutton
before the boat trip."

-"Shagster. Camouflage expert,
can hide anywhere."

-And there's more.

There's Jingo,
and Baby Burlap,

and Fleegle, and Beagle,
and Jooper, and Snork, and --

Uh-oh,
it's the stinky guy.

-Drew Barrymore. Hmm.

♪ Send her letters
almost every day ♪

♪ So she'll never
go astray ♪

-Ooh.

-"And a man so mean
he once shot himself

just for snoring
too loud."

-Hey, Sally Kellerman.

Whoa. Looking hot.

-♪ I'm losing my baby

-Well, I got to admit it.

It does look like
a fun party.

-Mm-hmm.

♪ I can't take a chance
on losing my baby ♪

♪♪

-Hey.

-Oh.
-Ew.

-"Ooh, Mama,
Santa is home. Ooh."

-"More. More of the old guy.
Whoo!"

-♪ I don't want to give her
a chance to leave me behind ♪

-"There's Trembler
and Weezer."

-♪ I go out when
the moon is right ♪

-That's sweet.
-Isn't it?

-That's so tender.
Young love.

-Hey, look. Flo & Eddie.
-Wow.

-♪ And tell her that I'll
always be her man ♪

-Hi and Lois.

-[Singing]
"Because I can't take a chance.

I'm losing my dignity."

-Yeah.
-[Speaking] Everybody.

Oh, 3-D.

[Singing]
I'm losing my dignity.

-I'm hitting my head.
-I'm getting carsick.

-Look at them.

-♪ On losing my baby

♪ Ooh, can't take a chance

-She's got really nice skin
for a junkie.

[Indistinct talking]

-Hey, it's Buck Henry.

-Or Father Mulcahy.

-Hiney.
-Hiney.

-Hiney.

-Hiney.
-Hiney, Hiney.

-Oh, hey, guys,
don't eat him.

-Hiney!
-Oh, morning, Hiney!

-Hiney.

-"Hey, let's cut him in half,
and count the rings."

[Indistinct talking]

-Yeah, these are
the Manson Family home videos.

Here, Tex, Squeaky, and the ganglightheartedly tease Charlie.

-Ow!

-"Ow. My keys were in
my back pocket."

-Humpty Dumpty
Horny Hiney.

-"Hiney, gondy,
kingy, pongy."

-Sit back.

-Ooh.

-"Beware of the dwarf."

-"Our minds are melded.
We are becoming one."

-...in this storm.

I...fell overboard.

-Because Pepperidge Farm
remembers!

-You ready?
-"Get off my chest."

-You had a bad cube, man.

-Man, you've been out
for 2 days.

-"No, I been on for 2 days."

-Yeah, man, yeah.

-"Heavy."
-Bad trip, man.

-I don't feel so good.

-"You don't smell so good,
my compadre."

-better go get him
some cocaine, or something.

-"Mommy?"

-Oh, good thing Cher is there towalk the guy around, you know?

-"Everything's grainy."

-"That's the inside
of your eyeballs."

-"Everything's Archie."
-You'll be alright, baby.

-"Get your hair off of my..."

-Man, what a drag.

-"Yeah, great way
to ruin a party.

I hate it
when people OD."

-"I'll just blend in
with the crowd, here.

Fortunately,
I'm wild on the inside.

I don't need
these hippie threads."

-"Uh, so this isn't a meeting
of the Young Republicans?"

-"Now to pick my girl."

-"So, you guys are
the Hellcats?

I'm a corporate raider."

-Hi.

Got a card?

-"That square bugs me.

He really bugs me."

-Like a room, please.

-"Hip or unhip?"

"I brought you here
so no one would notice."

-Tomorrow night,
you're bringing in 2 pounds.

-"I want it very lean.

The boss is making
Yankee pot roast."

-So, it's got to be like...

-Like...Well, you know.

-I know.

-Pick up at Scorpio's, 12:30.

-"The drive-up window."

-Take three bites.

-"And call me
in the morning."

-I've got the action.

-Hold it, Tiger.

-[Rolls Rs]

When we getting together?

-Never.
-"Great. I'm free then."

-That's no way to be.

-That is the only
way to be.

-I can give you more
than these crazy bums.

-Can you give me
body lice?

-You know what you are?

A hang-up.

-"That hurt."
-Whoa.

-"Hey, pretty boy
like to fondle?"

-"Hey, I'm working on
the girl right now.

I'll be right with you."

-Nice cuffs.
-"Better take a number."

-"Uh, I'll just
let myself out then.

Uh-huh."

-Whoosh.
Ping!

-Sex appeal.

-Real nice hair
on that guy.

-This must be the stunt cast
from "Room 222."

-This a love letter?

-"Uh, fan mail
from some founder."

-I don't need your help.

-"Well, you misspelled
'skelter.'"

-"Bridget Loves Bernie."

-"Bridget loves burnout."

-There's just something about
a girl in a flight helmet.

I don't know.

-"Hmm, 'Tiptoe Through the
Tulips,' 'Fought the Hard Way.'

Is there anything by
Hoyt Axton on this?"

-I'm not sure I can take this
much longer.

-"Oh, I hate that song."
-Just hang in there.

-"Hey, do you like pina coladas,getting caught in the rain?"

-What's a cyclops?

-You ask me that?

The silver cyclops
of the sunny Alps --

the most beautiful animal
in ancient Cartis,

second only to a unicorn.
-Really?

-Ross, you got to stop
doing drugs.

-I thought maybe you could help
us out with our little problem.

-Well, I can get
some Mary Jane.

-"Well, how about some pot?"

-[Speaks indistinctly]

-Okay, group.

We're gonna run.

-"Time for notes, everyone.
Gather round."

-Ah! It's off!

[Cheering]

-"New vests for everybody!
Hiney, change with Bongo.

Bongo, change with Cyclops.
Cyclops, well, just change."

-"Scene's over.
That's a wrap, everybody.

Thanks. Lunchtime."

-"We're going to
Dairy Queen!"

-Whoo!
-He was in "Pippin."

♪♪

-Scarecrow, check it out.
-Uh, no, Joel,

somebody's surrendering.

-Oh.
-I think it's, uh...

Oh.
Huh?

-Oh.
-Oh, I hate to shoot

a butt like that.

-I'll do it.

-Hmm.

Some surrealist form -- Oh.

-Steve Allen music, here.
-That's probably Hummel.

-Yeah.

-"Uh, Lady,
could you please move?

You're blocking
my landscape."

-He's probably gonna paint her,
like, her laughing,

or something like that.
-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

See, that's better.
-Gee.

-Hey. Hey!

-That's not very funny.
-That's uncool.

-"Think, think, think,
think, think, think."

-Oh, it's a
King painting.

I thought the eyes
were supposed to be big.

-"Think, think, think,
think, think, think, think."

-Uh, I think her skin's
a number two.

-Love this
Steve Allen movie.

-Oh?
-Uh-oh.

-Yep.
That's Jesse Helms' Angels.

-Art police.

♪♪

-"Give me that.I'll show you how to use color."

-"Are you guys working
for David Hockney?"

♪♪

-He's no fun.
-"Hey.

Can we borrow your towel?

Our bikes hit
a water buffalo."

♪♪

-"What do you think
of pointillism, Creek?"

♪♪

-Ah.

-"Be on the lookout
for art gangs."

-It's a "Benny Hill" sketch.

-"Neorealists."

-"Get away from
the poster."

-Geez, they're too cheap
to show a location shot.

They just show a poster.

-"It's the high-times corporate
picnic at Kitschy-Koo Park."

-I'm so tired.

I don't think I'll ever
be the same.

-Well, don't worry.
The '60s will be over soon.

-Beautiful, huh?
-Yeah, just like...

-"It's all too beautiful."
-Ooh.

-What's the chance of a badge
running in here?

-A badger?
Oh.

Are they indigenous
to the area?

-Here comes
the gut wagoner!

[Cheering]

-The gut wagon?
-Oh.

-It looks like
the Bad Humor Truck.

-"I want a Bomb Pop."

-"I scream. You scream.
We all scream for ice cream."

[Indistinct talking]

-Oh, must be
out of Fentoozlers.

-Oh.

"Burn the Good Humor man!
He's out of Creamsicles!"

-Woody Woodpecker.

-Oh.

-[Shrieks indistinctly]

-What did he say?
-I think he said --

[shouts indistinctly]

-Wait a minute.
Is this what I think it is?

-I think it may be.

-You're right. It's...

-The bike song!

♪♪

-[Singing] This one has got
an orange gas tank

-[Singing] This one has got
shiny chrome

-[Singing] This one has got
all you need

-This one has got
-♪ I watch construction men

-[Speaking] Oh, this must be
the heroin song.

-Well, it still works.
-Okay.

-[Singing] This one is filled
with speed balls

-[Singing] Keep the spoon above
the candle and shoot

-♪ I've seen a traffic jam

-[Speaking] Hey, make sure
you've got plenty of Kodak film

to catch the antics
of those plucky teens.

-How low will she go?
-Pretty low.

-♪ Mass confusion

♪ Mass confusion

-Mass confusion. they're talkingabout the plot, Joel.

-♪ No, no, no, no, no

-Yes.

-Wow. I guess face injuries
are popular with these women.

-They're all piano tuners.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

♪♪

-♪ I observed
a busy street ♪

-Oh, he's clearing
his spit valve.

Who's drinking what, there?

-♪ Smoky buses,
evening rushes ♪

-That guy's trashed.

-Oh, he's looking
for the script.

-Oh.
-Hey, he's a coaster.

-♪ Mass confusion

♪ Mass confusion
-Hey, it's Raffi.

Thanks for the drugs.
-♪ Mass confusion

♪ I can't take
no more of this ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no

-Yes.

-Oh, there's a CPR class,
right there.

-"Tongue wrestling --
We'll turn the metronome

into a giant mud pit."

-Yikes.
-Looks like a tongue war.

♪ Oh, restriction,
some confliction ♪

♪ Contradiction

♪ Big elections

-"Lots of things
with I-O-N at the end."

-Eh, at least they bathe,
you know?

-Look, it's
Beer Blanket Bongo.

-♪ No, no, no, no, no
-Yes.

-Hey, Six Pack, two.

-Yeah.
Right away, Daddy.

-"Oh, I love what you've done
with the place.

It looks so great."

-Thanks a lot.
-These are my specimens.

-Ooh.

-"Where do you want
to be in 3 years?"

-"Side Actors 2"?

-"Oh, here is a pencil
in your -- uh, I mean, mud."

-"Joy to the world.

Good reigneth everywhere.

Let Earth receive"...

-This is the best
Christmas ever.

-Three.

♪♪

-One more girl,
he's gonna have to juggle.

-Don't get swacked.
You've got to work tonight.

-Sure, Sheila, sure.

Anything you say, baby.

-Hey, it's Donny Osmond.

Well, no wonder
he has so many women.

He's a Mormon, you see.

-Ah.

-Church is changing.

-[Barking]

-Arf, arf, arf!
-Oh, let it lie. Come on.

Hey, he's getting better.

-Yeah. Doing scales.

-"Hi, funny face."

"What is it, boy?"

-Nowhere, man.

Everything is
a big zero.

-He must be
their accountant.

-Half nelson.
-Sleeper hold.

-Oh, this has been fun,
but let's move the plot along.

-Peace.
-What do you mean by that?

-Like, no war.

-See you later, Monte.

-Well, she won't actually
be seeing depth.

-Wow.
She's an eyeful.

Is she Moshe and
Diane's daughter?

-Tell me about it, lover.
-Hmm?

-I just might.

So far,
she's our best contact.

-Roses are green.

Violets are red.

-"I like to shoot heroin
straight into my head."

-And I'm the big-nosed boar,
big-nosed boar.

-Wow, it's Hipsy Dipsy
Nipsey Russell.

-Big-nosed boar.
-Hiney cubed it again.

-Hmm.

-Strange place
for a living room.

-But what a view, huh?

Uh-oh.

[Indistinct talking]

-Hmm.

-Hmm?

-Oh, no.

-Comanches!

-And they're
riding Indians.

-Wow.

-"Quick, everybody put
the living-room furniture
in a circle."

It's the neighbors. They've cometo borrow a cup of smack."

-"Uh, hi.
We're the day shift.

Dolphin Temps
sent us down."

-"I'm here for
the staring contest."

-Oh, no fair.
He's wearing glasses.

-Snakey boy,
you having a picnic?

-Ease off, man.

-Why, Daddy?

I just want to join
a fun game.

-Daddy?
-Mm-hmm.

-Isn't that old Sheila, baby?
-Kiss off, [Indistinct].

-Ooh.
-"I'm huge."

-"I'm not supposed
to be in this film.

They lose me
after the bunker sequence."

-Hey, Snake.

She run as good
as this little pink skate?

-Would you like to find out

how this little pink skate runs,man?

-Okay, what does this
have to do with anything?

♪♪

-"Are you sure you want
to go through with this?"

-"There's no turning back.
The music already started."

-"Oh, wait.I can't get mine started. Wait."

♪♪

-"Well, I won."

♪♪

-"Bye."

♪♪

So...

-Uh-huh.

-Well, then, uh,
we'll just wait here then.

-Friends don't let friends
drive pink motorcycles.

-Right.
-Yeah.

-I'm completely mesmerized
by this exciting race.

-"Yeah.
We'll just, uh, wait.

We're still here, boss,

just enjoying the race
that's over the hill.

Can't see."

-Ugh.
-Splat.

Ew.

-Well, you know,
they all look like rejects

from a Renaissance festival,
don't they?

Good race.

-Hey, it's the
Doublemint Twins.

-One has already
been chewed.

-Whoa.
That came right out of his eye.

He must be a magician.

[Engines revving]

-Must be a really good race,

all that zooming around,
and stuff.

-I bet it is.

-Monte, how much longer?
-Who knows?

-Split, guys.
-Oh, we better get going.

-Couldn't we go back, and...
-"How much longer" is right.

-Linda, Dave was my brother...

-Linda.
-...and your fiancé,

and we're gonna
see it through.

-Let's see.How does this stupid thing work?

Record, and play.
there we go.

Well, dear Kitty,
you won't believe

what a jerk
Servo was today.

-♪ La, la, la, la
-Huh?

-♪ Hellcats
-Oh, no.

-♪ Na, na, na, na,
Got some -- ♪

-Off. No.

[Tape playing rapidly]

There.
-♪ Hellcats, oh, yeah

-Ugh.

I'm not good
with this stuff.

Let's see.
"Hold down record and play."

Oh, I get it.
Okay.

Ah.
There we go.

Ah.
Well, like I was saying,

you won't believe what
a jerk Servo was today.

Okay. Get this.

I'm down in the load-pan bay,
minding my own business,

when, out of nowhere,
Servo jettisons a stream

of purge fluid right at
my spasmodic croffisator.

So, in self-defense -- and only
after every avenue of diplomacy

has been exhausted -- I jump in,but only in self-defense.

Of course, uh, this is
the only thing Joel sees,

and I get all
the blame again.

I can't blame Joel,
because finding out the truth

sometimes requires a spirited
question-and-answer question.

Although this sounds like
a lame segue into a flashback,

I remember
with particular gusto...

-Now, I'm going to be floating
some objects, here.

-Uh, with wire?
-With wire.

and you're going to tell me
if they're funny or not.

Alright? First, we start off
with a coat.

Funny or not funny?

-Funny?
-Right. Funny. Next.

Cambot, bring it over to
the right, here, a little bit.

A wrench.
Funny or not funny?

-Uh, I'd say "funny."
-Right. Funny.

Finally, a harmonica.
-Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!
-Funny or not funny?

-Oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh!

-Okay, Crow. Crow.

-Uh, um,
I forgot the question.

-Funny or not funny?

-Uh, funny.
-Are you sure?

-Uh, not funny.
-It was funny.

Stick to your guns, Crow.

Now, I'm going to be showing yousome flash cards.

You'll be awarded 20 points
for every correct flash card.

-Ooh.
-These are objects

that are funny or not funny
when they're floating.

Alright?
Start things off -- sand.

-Oh, not funny.
-Right.

Okay. Orange juice.
Funny or not funny?

-Uh, funny.
-Right.

Next, a baseball.

-Uh, funny.
-Wrong. Not funny.

Alright.
Woodchuck.

Funny or not funny floating?

-Funny?
-Extremely funny.

Next, funny or not funny
floating -- Sally Field?

-Uh, not funny.
-Right.

Next, funny or not funny
floating -- Sebastian Cabot.

-Funny.

-Right. Extremely funny,
but impossible.

Finally -- the rules get
a little blurry here, guys --

Christopher Reeves
in "Superman."

Funny or not funny floating?

-Uh, not funny.
-Right.

Christopher Reeves
in "Monsignor"?

-Funny?
-Right.

Now, Christopher Reeves kissing
Michael Caine in "Deathtrap"?

-Oh, funny!
-Right.

Finally, Gallagher.
Funny or not funny floating?

-Not funny.
-Extremely unfunny.

Now, we go into
the lightning round.

Cambot, put it up
on the screen.

And, Magic Voice,
let's have the password.

-The secret password is "things
which are funny floating."

-Uh, you take your
shoe off with this.

-Uh, a piece of cheese, uh,
a come-along, uh, a shoehorn!

-Um, right.

Uh, you, uh,
keep meat in this.

-Uh, your mouth?
-Uh, right.

Um, uh, a juggler.

-Uh, boring things?
-A juggler.

-Uh...
-Hackney.

-Things at a Renaissance
festival.

-Uh, bad actor.

-Uh, things you say
to a bishop.

-Uh, pass. Pass.

-Thanks for the flashback,
Cambot.

Well, anyway, uh, that flashbackhad nothing to do with anything

I was talking about.

Hey, did I ever tell you
about the time

Joel dressed me up
as Judy Garland,

and forced me
to sing show tunes?

I got a lot of pain.

Oh, and I got a movie sign
all by myself!

Ah!

-Oh.
-Hey, where's my tape deck?

-Huh?
-I said "deck."

-Oh.

-That's it, then.

-Oh, so it's not really
a skate, then, is it?

-No.
-Hmm.

-Hey!
-Oh, I get it.

It's a triathlon -- bike race,knife fight, then beer guzzling.

[Imitating monkeys chattering]

-Whoa.

-This fight was choreographed
by Jerome Robbins.

-A chain beats anYves Saint Laurent belt anytime.

-Mm-hmm.

-Pants him.
He must be pantsed.

-"I'm going to send you
a chain letter, monkey boy."

-"It's Bob Fosse
versus Tommy Tune."

-"Both of these
competitors really

came here to dance, folks."

-Whoa!
-Ooh.

-They are not men.

-"These are the chains
I forged in life."

-No.
-Hey.

This looks, to me, like
the battle of the network scum.

-Yep.

-[Mumbles]

"Biker rhubarb,
biker rhubarb."

-"Oh, red cam,
oh, red cam,

bottle, bottle of beer,
bottle of beer."

-"Chain, chain,
chain of fools."

-"Subhuman, I'm not human,
subhuman."

-Subgenius.

-He's fighting
the cameraman.

Kill him!
Kill everybody!

-The crew, the cast,
everybody.

Oh.

-Peace, brothers.
No more war.

-Who is he?

[Shouting]

-It's Ross Hagen,
the prince of peace!

-By the time the cock crows
three times,

chili peppers
will burn his gut.

[Indistinct talking]

Hey, your butt is dirty.

-"I love you guys.
Don't get no better than this.

I don't know what
I was thinking."

-Like love, baby.

-"My work is done here."
-Over my body, baby.

-I think that's "dead body."
-Ain't wanting to fight.

-Ross.
-You losing guts, man?

-He doesn't have any.
-Fight him, man.

-Come on, Ross.
This is just peer pressure.

Just say "no," please.

-Yeah!
-"Okay.

That sounds good.
My day is open."

-I'm not with this dirt scene,
you know?

-Hey, man,
it doesn't matter.

When we say "drag,"
we don't mean drag.

We mean, like, scrape.

-Why don't you just
say "scrape," then?

-That's a word for "dumb."

[Indistinct shouting]

-Looks like a training center
for carnies, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

[Indistinct talking]

-Oh, great,
they're gonna go oat-skiing.

♪♪

-They're gonna plow.

You know, they might just
all be Amish.

-No. No.

-Amish bikers?
-No.

-Oh, I get it.

You take a rototiller, and you
hook a guy between the two,

and therefore,
avoid any plot.

-Yep.

-"I'd love to call you later,
if I'm still alive."

-"I know you loved my brother,
but if you ever get lonely..."

-15 seconds, man.

If you make it,
you got no worries.

Otherwise...

-"Uh, you know,
yeah, you just...

No.
You know what I mean?

Yeah.
It's just like..."

-"I'll go put your coat
back on the bathroom floor,

where it came from."

So...

-"Well, we've taken
a pretty long lunch.

Uh, better get it back
to the office."

Uh, oh.

-Maybe not.

-Mm-hmm.

Getting the idea.

-Alright, fellows.
Make a wish.

-Go.

-You know, he used
to be a dwarf.

-"Body by John Deere."

-Obviously,
kids shouldn't

try this at home
if they have rototillers.

-No, kids shouldn't
try this at home --

shouldn't be watching
this movie at home.

We're seasoned
professionals.

-7, 8, 9, 10,
11, 12, 13...

-They're counting how long
he's getting in feet.

-Ah!

-"Oh, what a drag.

But we do have some
lovely parting gifts."

-"Forward my mail!"

-I've seen dogs do that
on driveways.

-"Calgon, take me away!"

♪♪

-Well, I don't know what I was
supposed to learn by that.

-What a day to forget
my metal boxer shorts.

-Hmm.

-"It's the Ross Hagen
actor pull

with Go Go the Gorilla dragged
behind a motorcycle."

-Oh, no. He's backing up.
How horrible!

Oh, the humanity!

-Oh, my lord.
It's just his legs!

Oh, no.

He's gone!

Oh, no!
Doesn't anybody care?

What's the matter
with you?

The only one concerned
is the music!

Listen.

♪♪

-Ah, great, Ross.
Don't -- Yeah.

Take your jacket off.You wouldn't want anything thick

and leathery between you
and the road.

-He's bright.
-Except maybe his head.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You know, guys,
this didn't have much success

as an Olympic event,but it is in the Goodwill Games.

-Oh.
-It made it.

-Think his medical
covers this?

-Uh, that one is loose.
You want to tighten that?

-Yeah.

-"Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Dirt Row.

Please direct your eyes
to center stage,

where daredevil stuntman
actor Ross Hagen

is about to attempt
a most dangerous stunt.

To imagine what he's going
through, picture yourself

attached to over 500 wild horsesbeing stretched."

-"If you think
this is easy,

try holding your breathfor the duration of this stunt."

-"Oh, I seen a man
pulled clean in half

last week's state
fair in Florida."

-Oh, this is to stretch
his arms,

so he looks
more Neanderthal.

Oh, for fun.

-"Yep, 15 feet, 4 inches."

[Indistinct talking]

"The sun
was in my eyes.

They stretched my legs out,
and they snagged on me.

It's all hot,
and hurts, and stuff."

-"Well, same thing tomorrow?"
-Yeah.

-"Now, Ross can put the star
on the tree."

-Yeah.

We're gonna have to let
your sleeves out, Ross.

[Indistinct talking]

-"I'm just gonna stretch out,
here, on the couch."

-"Home again, home again,
jiggity-jig."

-"I love him.
He's so dumb."

-"I'm going to get him
a beer, a longneck."

-Yeah. Now he's really
a long arm of the law.

Congratulations. You are now
officially white trash.

-Now you're talking, baby.
That's the right word.

Come on. Hey, again!
Hey, come on!

[Cheering]

-They're jumping on
the furniture.

Come on.
Don't mess up the living room.

-Can't do it here.

-Yeah, not in front
of all these hoodlums.

-Oh, wait a second!

♪♪

-"That's my man's brother!"

♪♪

-Oh, the love, and the fun,

you know, it's just like
that scene

from "It's a Wonderful Life."

"Hey.
Hurry up with that blanket.

George Bailey
don't want to be looking at

no busted bedsprings."

-We all got to go sometime.
Will it hurt?

-Not if you do it right.

-Hey, check it out.
that guy's number 13!

-There just wasn't
anything left.

-Go get it, then.

-"You kids
go off to bed.

Your mother and I
are busy."

-You know, this is how
my Mom and Dad met.

I'm just kidding.

-"Nummy, nummy, nummy.
I'm eating you up.

Nummy, nummy, nummy.
Num, num."

-"Time to go undercover."

-Does this mean that you
have to do something

really stupid
to get the girl?

-Yep.

-"I'm a widdle wabbit!"

"Tickle, tickle, tickle."

-Little mama...

you're too yummy
to be alone here.

-Yeah, she comes
in six flavors.

-What do you say we make tracks
with the motors?

-Tractor mortars?

-No need to act
like that.

-Yak like what?

-Dean's gonna
have a problem.

-Pablum?
-[Indistinct].

-Pottery wheel?
-I can help you.

-[Indistinct].
-Pottery wig?

-[Indistinct].
-Uh...

-Yeah.
-Huh?

-Hmm.

Oh, young love.

-Oh. There's his pottery wheel,
and there's his tractor motor.

-Oh, and he was
actually saying that.

-Yeah.
-And his hablem.

"Oh, a human tooth.
Huh. Neat."

-"And the nerves
are attached, still."

-Uh, never give a woman
a human molar on a first date.

-Yeah.
Nice dance, huh?

-Creepy girl.

-Whoa!
Diana Rigg taught her that.

Thank you, Emma Peel.

-Oh, good, the paramedics.

And they took CPR
from Anheuser-Busch!

-Hold up.

-"Mm.
Love is good.

You taste like
chili peppers."

-Who was that dude
bugging you last night?

-That was you.

-Oh, yeah.

-Thought you went
with Snake.

-Off and on.

-Mostly on,
or mostly off?

-You're mostly curious.
-It's mostly magic.

-A lot to be curious about,
like that map of Mexico.

-Matty, baby, I love you,
but you ask too many questions.

-He watches a lot
of "Jeopardy!"

-Can't help it.
My mind is like a sponge.

-"You can play in the sink
with it."

-If you don't want to
bother your match.

-Mmm.

-Hope that's beer.
-Need a water cooler.

-"Hey, Adolph's found a girl.
I think her name is 'Eva.'"

-Oh, it's Annie Lennox.

-"All the Hellcats in Whoville,
they spank their denfanklers.

They blew their fintuzlers,and cranked their grabflankers."

-"They whizzed
their gizfunklers,

and shanked
their wiz banklers.

They tizzled, and wuzzled,
and peanut-ed kurtanklers."

-"Even little
Wendy Lou Hellcat..."

-"Went through..."

-"My -- my jaw hurts."

-"Don't ask."
-I hope you had fun.

-Duty, kid, duty.
-Double duty.

-Well, while you were locked
in combat with the enemy,

I got the scab for this.

-You got a scab in here?
-Gross.

-Oh, what'd you say that for?
That's so disgusting.

-Yuck.
-Ew.

You know the guy
in the suit?

-"Oh, uh, so, as I was saying,
chili peppers burn my gut."

-Tell me you've
cooled Scab.

-So?
-So, that's good.

You ride.
You swing with it.

I want you to come
with me tonight.

-"She asked me.
She asked me."

-Rita is bombed out,
and I need a rider.

-I'm ready.

I'm not too fond of the company
around here, anyway.

-Wait, what are you --
Oh, yeah, you don't...

-"Pardon my
boarding-house reach."

-"We're not friends."

-[Mock laughter]
"Bozo is so funny.

No clothes on.
I could look at it forever."

-"Hmm, I see.

Using the king's Indian defense
against my classical variation.

I see."

-"Lee Meriwether in her
first starring role."

-I think that's her
first camisole, too.

-"Please stop
the guitar playing.

I hate flamenco."

-"Football practice, I..."

-Please.
-"All done."

-Please, Peter.

Please.

-I wonder what she wants.
-Please.

-Why castle when you could
get a queen's pawn?

-Zeke?

-Could please play Yahtzee
for a change?

-Pete?
-"Can I please
use the bathroom?"

-"No, come on. You know this is
only the sixth day."

Please.

-"Now, look, there's a chicken
potpie in the fridge,

but I'm not gonna get you
a Libby Lane dinner."

-Nothing in life is free.

-Only the best things.

-Hey, how come these loser guys
always get these

really great lake homes?

"Yeah, you're pretty
good, Karpov."

-"Yeah, you too, Kasparov."

♪♪

"Charo, knock it off."

-You know, I can see
why she loves him.

-"You know, mixing dice
with chess

really speeds up
the game, Karpov."

-Maybe she just wants
a glass of water.

-"Ah, that must be Grandma.
I'll get it."

-Get me a Dove bar,
and some smack.

-Looks like they're being
visited by a constellation.

-It's Orion.

-Or-Ida?

-"You're late.
I burned supper."

-"Uh, hola, el trasho."

-Make it fast.
We're late.

-"I know a wiener man.He owns a hot dog stand. There."

-Uh, I haven't met you.

-"I haven't met you, either.
That would leave me one up."

-I like blondes.

-Look, don't touch.

-[Laughs]
"I'll get a cart."

-A fireball, eh?

Hey, Pete,
look what we got here.

-"It looks like a fireball."

-Nice.

-Back off, slob,
this isn't a game.

-Whoa.
-We're here to make a pickup,

not act as entertainment
for you crumbs.

♪♪

-"Now, here's the
entertainment."

-Come closer.

Help me out, will you?

-"I just don't get
algebra, man."

-I need some stuff.

-"I need some bread, and an egg,and a wheat penny."

-No, please.

-Inside, okay?
-No, no, don't make her watch

"Cop Rock" again.
-Oh, come on.

It's actually gotten
some good reviews.

-I got to have it.

Please,
I got to have it, please.

-"She's been sick."

"Here, divinity.
I made it myself."

-Please, you got to help.

-Get your hand stamped
in this gang,

so you leave,
you can get back in.

♪♪

-Great music.

-If I don't
see you again,

you can be sure
I won't forget you.

-"Your wind song
stays on my mind."

-The smell
won't wash off.

-"Uh, so, I guess a second date
is out of the question."

-"I wish I had said that.

Stella!"

-"Now, let's see about getting
that young lady some heroin."

-"I said,
'I know a wiener man.'

Oh, forget it."

-"He owns a hot dog stand?"

-"He gives me everything."

-Oh, my God.

Wait until Andy
hears about this.

We're gonna have to
nip it in the bud.

-[Imitates police radio chatter]

-What, are we watching this
from the Flubber-cam,

all of a sudden?
I don't get this.

-I don't know.

[Sirens wailing]

-Whoa. Uh-oh.

-And that's why kids
should not have minibikes.

-Mm-hmm.

-"Newsflash,
biker wipes out.

Film at 11."

-"It was an
eyewitness newsbreak."

♪♪

Oh, she smeared
her makeup.

What a mess.

-"Oh, not the clown-suit
reference again --

not for four times
in a row."

-"Honey, I'm dead."

-Where's Betty?
-I don't know.

Did you have
any trouble?

-What?
-No.

-Was this film recorded
on 78 rpms?

-Just heard it
on the car radio.

-"Wayland Flowers is dead."

-Betty, she got backed up
outside of Whole Sphere.

-Oh, we've got problems.

-"Yeah, I can see
you're all busted up inside."

-"Hello. I'd like to send
a Candy Cave-gram."

-They've dialed into
"What's My Line?"

"Is he known for his work
in the theater?"

-"No. I don't want to buy
any light bulbs."

-I don't care how.
-"You must sink the Bismarck."

-He must live in
a target sales area.

-Yeah, he's a
"Flintstone" kid, too,

and he's taking vitamins.

♪♪

-We've got to
get our stash.

-She's got a mustache?

They're going to have to use
hot wax to get that, I think.

-Ouch.

♪♪

-Hmm.
-Hmm.

-"Sad times befall
the scum of the Earth

when bad things happen
to bad people."

-Why is he so sad?
Come on.

There's got to be
more potbellied

sac-breasted
scum of the Earth

with butts like leather pancakesfor him to love.

-No. No. No.

-[Singing]
No, no, no, no No, no.

-Take it easy, Hiney.
Easy, man.

-"She had my stash."

-We've got to go into
Whole Stone, and get our load.

-What?

-The cops
probably have it.

-Find out.

Now, make it happen.
-Make it happen.

Be a self-starter.
Come on.

Your bike is.

-Whoa.

-Well, if she's
back there, then...

-Ah, she's on the bike.

-Uh-oh, she's riding
a black-tire BMW.

-Hi.
-"Eh, put his head back on.

I got to go."

-"Well, at least
we have each other."

-They look as confused
by the film as we are.

-Yep.

-"Well, the old clock
on the wall

says it's time for jokes,
riddles, and more,

with Kooky
the motorcycling clown."

♪♪

-"The oboe represents
this slag heap."

-"Let's watch as
that disaster-prone

do-it-yourselfer gets into
his usual batch of mischief."

-Whoa.

♪♪

-"Hmm, what gives?"
says Kooky.

"Ah. Kooky has got a plan,
and this is part of it."

-The old junkyard.

Hmm.

Oh, I get it,
and so does Kooky.

♪♪

Kooky is in the clear.

Or is he?

-We think the joke
will be on Kooky.

-Uh-huh.

-There it is.

And there they are.

-D'oh.
-Hats off to Kooky.

-What took you so long?

-Oh, Kooky,
you've done it again.

-Those mothers.

Such a simple thing,
and they blow it.

-"Now, read that back to me."
-Better wrap this up.

-Please do --
right now.

Let's get some paint,
and paint "The End" real big.

-Don't tell your mother
where we're going, idiot.

-I didn't mean
to tell my mother.

-"Union debts are due."

-I didn't mean to do
anything wrong, honest.

-Uh-oh, Kooky is
in trouble, as usual.

-The guys just asked me to get
something out of the headlight.

-"Kooky, your mother and I
are very disappointed in you."

-"Meanwhile, in a
Barbara Feldon movie..."

-Would you believe
Barbara Eden?

-Nope.
-How about Barbara Bel Geddes?

-In the "Nude Barn."

-Sounds kind of like music
from "Playboy After Dark,"

that old show.

-A Mingus quality to it.

-Okay, okay,
you're riding your bike.

We get the point.

-Oh, great, and there's
another guy riding a bike.

We get the point.

-Oh, is she still
riding her bike?

Good. For a minute, I was afraidthe director wasn't gonna

make that clear enough!

-And still
riding her bike.

Hey, a drive-through.

♪♪

-Ah!

-Hey, look over here.
Hi, sexy.

-Hey, come on.
Leave her alone.

-It's a fireplug.
-Yeah, sorry.

♪♪

-"Thought you might need
help padding out

the last 10 minutes
of the film."

-I just want to make sure
I get my share.

-What's the matter?
Don't you trust me?

-As a matter of fact, no.

-As a matter of fact,
who cares what happens

in this stupid movie?

♪♪

-Kind of like
courageous cat music.

♪♪

[All vocalizing]

♪♪

-Ooh.
-Right on in.

-Oh.
-Nice trip.

-Nice office.

-She followed me.

I'm gonna carve you.

-Hey, we shake hands
in this country, pal.

-Tie her up
in the shop.

-Force her to watch "Cop Rock."
-No. "Cop Rock"?

Wow, that guy is mean.

-"Well, send in
the next applicant."

-Go pack.
Now.

-Is that her name,
"Go Pack"?

-She's Chinese.
-"Ooh, that was close.

Last time, he was like this,

he made me watch
'Doogie Howser.'"

♪♪

-"So, uh, what qualifications

do you feel you can
bring to our company?"

-Just curious.

-Again?
-[Screaming]

-Oh, she's
a good ventriloquist.

-"This week at
Sir Laughs A Lot,

it's Undercover Biker Chick
and Buddy."

-"The hair is protein.

Using Protein 21 religiously
helps put back

some of the protein
shampoo takes out."

-"Oh, he -- he likes me.
He really..."

-"I move among
the shadows.

In the daytime,
I'm Ross Hagen."

We'll be right back.

-Thrill as Rommel tries,
in vain, to find the entrance.

♪♪

-"Poorly designed buildings
burn my gut."

"Is there
a receptionist here?

Do I need an appointment?"

-Looks like a sound stage
with paneling.

-Yeah, there's no ceiling
to speak of.

-Oh, focus.

-Focus.
Focus.

-"Oh, I'm tripping."

[Knocking]

-Come in.

-"While dad is not looking,
Kooky tokes up."

-"That Kooky,
what a character."

-Uh, this is your
court-appointed lawyer,
Mr. Garber.

-Have you been informed
of your rights?

-Hey, don't give into
the man, Kooky.

-Have you,
or haven't you?

-"Only Kooky's hairdresser
knows for sure."

-Dick?

-Did you call me, Sheriff?
-"No. I called you 'Dick.'"

-Escort Mr. Jay Dalton Collins
III to his quarters,

so he can consult
with counsel.

-"Kooky, have you been
putting on airs again?

Well, that's our Kooky."

-"It's King Richard,

inviting you to
the Renaissance Festival.

Huzzah."

-"Hang down your head,
Tom Dooley."

-You know, he's really
multi-layered for a villain.

-Hmm.

-[Singing] Bum, bum, ba,
bum, bum, bum

Your chick was killed.
Your chick was killed.

-"Somber. Somber."

-Man, like,
somebody is gonna pay.

-"Yeah, I'm not going to pay
for the whole keg myself.

I swear I'd never --"
-You with me, Pack?

-Oh.
-I don't know, Hiney.

-Oh.

-It can happen, man,
to anybody.

-But it didn't.

It happened to Betty.

And some little scum
is gonna pay.

-Okay.

"Dearest Sandy.

Well, those bots
are at it again.

I just finished cleaning up
their mess in the commissary.

Then, I find out
that those knuckle-knobs

had trashed the load pan.
Exclamation point.

Sometimes, I wish I had
programmed more maturity

into their little ROMs,

but, you know, Sandy,
they can be

the cutest little dickenses
in spite of themselves.

Smiley face.
Okay.

Well, like the time
we all got together,

and learned
a little bit more about --

Well, you'll see.

Cambot, let's have that.

-Okay, so, we'll just sit here,
and act as the brunt

of your little visual joke?
-Yeah. That's right.

-Okay.
-Something like that.

Okay, this one is called
the binocular scope.

-Hey, get us.
We're a piece of stock footage.

-Alright.

And this one is
the keyhole scope.

-You know,
you're the only man

for me, Servo.
-Oh, Crow.

-Alright.
This is the...

-...high-powered scope
scope.

-And so,
the French Prime Minister

shall receive the quad --
Look out! Look out!

-Okay. This is
the periscope scope.

-I don't care
how you do it.

You must sink
the Bismarck.

-And also, the
"Driving Miss Daisy" scope.

-We might as well
be walking

if driving this slow,
Miss Daisy.

-Just watch
where you're going.

-Okay. This, here,
is the micro-scope.

-Uh, go ahead, Crow.

You can imitate a one-celled
animal better than I can.

-It's starting to look more likethe Sammy Davis Jr. scope.

Okay.
This is the Lucy scope.

-Ah, Ricky, turns out
I was never funny.

-Okay.
The small-intestine scope.

-Ugh. I feel so funky.

I need soothing
and coating.

-That's what
we feel like.

-This is the Jose Feliciano
scope, there.

-Huh?
-Chico, don't get discouraged.

-Alright.

This is the
"Family Circus" scope.

-Okay, who broke my vase?
-Not me.

-Okay. Followed by
the jack-o'-lantern scope.

-Huh?

-The glaucoma scope.

-What?

-And if you want to get
really fancy,

you add the "Family Circus"
scope with the glaucoma scope,

and get the Hubble scope.
Okay?

There's that.
Alright.

Followed by
the Pope scope.

-What?
-Huh?

-The Scopes Monkey Trial scope,

otherwise known as
Inherit the Wind-o-rama.

-Oh.
-Ah.

-The ever-popular nope scope.
-Oh, brother.

-Come on.

-"Oh, for fun.

Turn around,
and they are young.

Turn around,
and they've grown.

Turn around,
and they're old bots

with young bots
of their own.

Your friend in space,
Joel Robinson.

Commercial sign."

-Oh, man.

-Guess this means Ross
doesn't get the job, huh?

-Oh.
-Ouch.

-"Next time, I can act."

-You can't expect
us to believe

you just happened by here,
now, can you?

-"Because if you tell us that,
we'll believe you."

-I think I'm going to
have to question

your young lady
privately.

-You slob.
-Good read.

-"That's Mr. Slob to you."

-"Now, as I was saying,

it's a caring, nurturing
relationship I'm looking for."

-Well, he's got a thing or two
to learn

about tying people
to furniture.

-"We've heard about
your kneecaps, Ross,

and we don't want you
to get away."

-"Hey.

Hey, it's me,
the guy from --

the girl from the mattress,
remember?"

-"You, uh, talking to me?"

-You didn't tell me
how much fun we'd have.

-"I'm surprised."

-Monte, are you alright?

-Yeah.

-Why did you follow?

-"I'm falling in love
with your bike."

-...horrible stupidity.

-Let's get this place
cleaned up.

-"That means you leave.

Here. Eat these."

-I'll have the boat ready
at 4:00.

Here's the apartment key.

-"Tell Jack Lemmon
and Shirley MacLaine

I want them out."

-We have to
take care of them.

-There's plenty of room
in the harbor.

-"They're big people."

-Call Jack, and tell him to keepan eye on Sheila's bunch.

-Who's Jack and Sheila?
-I don't know.

-How would like
to go to Tahiti?

-"That'd be great!"

-My client has decided to sign
a full statement.

-His podiatrist?
-No pressure? No coercion?

-No, sir.

Just time to
pay back the takers.

-Boy, not even Kooky
knows what that means.

-These cuts are making
my pulse race.

-Could I talk to you?

-"Now, this is an
ordinary wooden box."

-Are you sure?
-Out.

-"Are you sure?"
-"Out."

-Thank you.

-I can't hack
this dungeon,

so why don't you untie me,
and talk this over?

-Talk first.

-I don't like
being roughed up...

-"Or overexposed."
-You want action?

That's okay by me.

You pay.
I play.

-Oh, a pool player, huh?

-"Will you take a check?"

-Oh, my God.
His head's gone.

-"If only I could get to
my utility belt, Batgirl."

♪♪

-Oh, thank goodness.

They found a Dremel tool
with a cutting blade.

-Amazing.
What a coincidence.

♪♪

-Oh, but it's three-prong,
and they've got no adapter.

-What are they gonna do?

-Oh, I see.

-If I could just reach...

♪♪

-Thank goodness
she grounded it.

-"Now, this is --

I'm gonna have to cut your
hand off, so it might hurt.

Which one do
you write with?"

-"Oh! Oh!
That was my tendon.

That's okay.
Thanks."

-Ha! Take that, and this,
and a little of that.

♪♪

Huh?

-One of those, huh?
No bullets, though.

-"Still think I'm fat?"

♪♪

-"Oh, I got to
get out of here.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I wish I had
that bra now.

Ow."

-So, she ran, and she ran,
and she ran, and she ran.

They got it
all on film.

-Hip stuff.

♪♪

-Quick, call Gap Teen.

[Phone rings]

-"Huh? Give me that.

Hello, this is Gap Teen."

-"Uh, speak up.
I can't hear you."

-Hang in there, mama.
We're on our way.

-"We're on our way."

-Okay, troops.

You got your wish, Hiney.
Let's rumble.

-"Let's go, team, go.

Grab the Team-mobile."

-Huh?
-Uh-oh.

-Hey, what's the action?
Drop the steel.

-Pack, the action is,
old lump here is a corn spy.

-A corn spy?

-I've been called a lot
of things in my life,

but never a corn spy.

-If she could only
get to her --

Ah, the Batwhip.

♪♪

-Welp, I'd say this movie is
starting not to make any sense.

-Yeah.
-I got sucked right into it,

and now, I don't know
what's going on.

-Yeah.

-"Hey, have some potassium
in your diet -- not."

-"Recess, everybody."

-Ah, sting.

-Hey, Joel, did you ride
your bike to school?

-Yeah. I did.

-They're excited,
aren't they?

Bye.

-Hello.

It's Don Ho's sister, Heidi.

Later, we'll meet
his brother, Heave.

Could get injured
that way.

-What's going on?
-I don't know.

I'm lost.

-And so is she.

Not a thought
in her tiny little brain.

-Hey.

-It looks like
she's into safe walking.

-Mm-hmm.

-"How do these work?"

-Putting on her
Jimmy shoes.

-Yeah.
-This is a -- Jimmy stockings.

-"Uh, ma'am, I believe
this is my hotel room."

♪♪

Sounds like
travelogue music.

♪♪

-"This is how we say
'hello' in Tahiti."

-Whoa.

-"There's a beer
in the fridge for you."

-Focus, please.

-Hmm.

-"Cut and print it.

Beautiful, people.
That's good.

Let's break for drugs --
lunch."

-"Here's your, uh,
Gideon bible.

Don't forget it."

♪♪

-"300 CCs
of high-test padding."

-More Mingus music.

-We're loaded.
-Let's move.

-"Like you've never moved
before -- even slower."

-I love the attention to detail
on the sets in this movie.

Oh, brother.

You know, a new musical style
is introduced

every 5 minutes
in this film.

♪♪

-"Uh, sorry the car
is such a mess.

I kind of live out of it.

Just throw that stuff
in the back,

and then move
that sweater."

-"Now, then,
for Ross' next trick,

he'll be
tied up securely,

and he'll be immersed
in the chilly Atlantic waters."

Let's watch.

Ooh.
-Ouch.

-"And he'll be knocked out."

♪♪

-"If you think
this is easy,

try holding your breath
for the amount of time

Ross and his pal
are underwater."

♪♪

-Packed in their
own juices.

-"Now, 12 pounds of rope
are used to secure them."

-You know, I never get tired of
seeing bikers on the highway.

-No, neither do I.
-Nope.

-This is what this movie
is all about.

-Eddie? Eddie?

-Henney?

-Buckle up this gal.
Let's get out of here.

-Yeah.
-I'm working on the injection.

-"Hitch your pony
to a star."

-Wait a minute.
-Wow.

-What is he?
Oh, my God.

It's Aunt Bee.

♪♪

-"Hey, Aunt Bee
is looking fine."

-Well, it, oh, it's not.
-Oh, darn.

-Expected him to hurl pickles
at him or something, you know?

-How much longer, Eddie?

-Five minutes, Mr. Adrian.
-Well, that's kind of personal.

-Where'd he come from?
-You sure took your sweet time.

-Thank you.
-Come on.

-Hey, they're in
a different city now.

-What's going on?

-Oh.

[Engine sputtering]

-"Hey, Aunt Bee's here.
There's gonna be a rumble."

-Look out.

-Okay, now, why are they here?
To get revenge for the girl?

-No. She died
in an accident.

-They're here to save their
friends, is what's going on.

-Oh. Altruism.
Interesting.

Did he have to park
that there?

I mean, I doubt it.

-"Hey, throw that extension cordin the water."

-"Excuse us.
Got to do a rumble."

-"Yeah, we'll be out of the way
in a minute."

-"Excused us."
-"Oh, watch out."

-"Coming through."
-"Sorry to shake your camera.

Oh. Sorry.
Hope we're not in the shot.

Oh. Sorry."

♪♪

-"Come on, teen gang!
Monkey pile!"

-"Monkey pile
on the fat guy!"

-"Hey, please, kids,
take it easy.

I'm reading for aJack Weston-type role tomorrow."

♪♪

-Oh. Oh.
Whoo-hoo!

-Nice.
-I'm still fast.

-Woo-hoo!

-"Aw, come on, kids.
Dad has got to go to work."

♪♪

-Yee-hoo!
Looks like fun.

-"Okay, you hit me.
You made your point.

There's no sense in --
Ow. Thank you."

-"So, they woozled
their funklers,

and wonked
on their kooklers."

-"The brugifizers, wanklers,
and moof, and kinkanklers.

They beat on his kidneys,
and turned them to mush.

They pounded his brain,
and it started to dark."

-"Hey, get my head out of there.It's in there somewhere."

-And Ross is free!
-Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

-He's broken a new world record
for boredom!

-"Hey, kill that guy.
He's a director."

-"Get him!"

-You know, guys,
this kind of reminds me.

I've been on
a seafood diet lately.

-Really?
-Oh, yeah.

I'm eating a lot of fish, and
shrimp, and stuff like that.

-That's great.
Feel good?

-He's probably trying to direct
this as he's running, you know?

-Yep. Yep.
-"Alright.

Track along with me.
Now, pan up.

Okay, get me in the car.
We'll do a cutaway."

♪♪

-"Put it in Park, pal.
You're coming with me."

♪♪

-Oh, hey.
He really hit him.

He's never gonna
hire Ross again.

-"I'll give you
an emotional memory.

Oh! Ugh!"

-"And that's for putting me
in the movie."

-"Ah, for fun.
I'm tired.

But it's a good
kind of tired."

[Sirens wail]

-Finally, the cops.

♪♪

-Cops?

-Aha. So it was
the disposal barge all along.

-I get it.
-I know what you mean.

Sure, I'll come in.

No, I've got to get back.

-"I've got a war to fight."

-Okay.
Thanks for calling.

-"No, thank you."

-What was it?

-"Uh, it's my brother.
Turns out he never died."

-I'm sorry.

-Old Moongoose came out
with the whole story.

-Moongoose?
-So, things might not

get too bad with him.

-I hope so.
-Me, too.

-"Yeah, we've had
a lot of laughs."

♪♪

Well, it's been fun.

♪♪

-Hey, I like
the new Barbie-mobile.

♪♪

-"Well, I guess that's it.

Let me know
if you're gonna marry

another one
of my brothers."

-Give my love
to your folks.

-"They're dead.
They were killed by bikers."

-Yeah.
-When do you leave?

-Tomorrow.

I have to sign some depositions
and things in the morning.

-"And they're going to film
every minute of it."

-Mama, be good.

-"Be very good."

-You, too, Papa.

-Huh?

-I don't get it.

-Hey, what are you gonna do
with that thing?

-"Thought I'd make a lamp
out of it."

-Keep it.
-The bike.

-I like it.
-"I like this bike thing."

-Come back, Monte.

♪♪

-Hey, hear that?

It's the bike song.

[Whistling]

-Huh? Oh.

It was the bike song.

-♪ Here is to an outcast
way of life they lead ♪

♪♪

-I wish I had
a tambourine.

♪♪

Everybody, now.

-[All singing]
Hellcats, and little
frilly strings.

Hellcats, and little
frilly things.

-[Singing] Upside down

When they get in
a dressing gown

Hellcats.

-[Singing]
Wearing Halston ensembles

-Hellcats.
-Losing all their marbles.

-Hellcats
-That was fun.

-Wasn't that neat?
-Yeah.

-Okay, next.
-Oh, no.

They're gonna
start it over again?

-Ah!
-Nah, we're not gonna

sit through this twice.
I'm sorry.

-♪ Hellcats
-Let's go.

-Let's blow them.
I don't care.

-Come with me.
-Where's Jeff?

Oh. Oh.
-Okay. Here you go.

-Thank you.

Groovy music, though.

-"Dear Richard,
how are you?

I am fine.

Everyone is sad but me.

Dear Richard,
how are you?

-Hey, what you working on,
Pumpkin?

-Diary.
-Ow.

-Oh, she's working on
a diary, you guys.

-Diary.
-Hey, honey.

You've got to type into
the thing for the words

to come out
on the paper.

-Paper.
-Yeah.

-Diary.

Hey, what do you want to keep
a diary for, you big femme?

-Yeah.
-Oh.

-Hey, hey.-Hey, only ninnies keep diaries.

[Indistinct talking]

-Ninny.
-Guys, that's not fair.

You know,
I keep a diary.

-Really?
-Diary.

-Yeah. I do.

It's a good way to keep from
making mistakes in the future.

You know, see what
you lived through,

kind of like what
Nietzsche says,

eternal recurrence,
that kind of thing.

-[Indistinct] and stuff.

-Well, I admit it.
I keep a diary, too.

-Yeah!

-But only of the cool stuff
that happened to me.

-Yeah, me, too.
-What?

-Me, too, okay!
I keep a diary, too!

-I see. Alright.
Come here, you guys.

-Aww.
-See?

-Hey, Joel, what are you all of
a sudden, Dick Van Patten?

-Let's can this corn,and read a letter, you big mutt.

-Letters.
-Alright.

This one is to everyone
on the Satellite of Love.

Let's put that up on
[indistinct], Cambot.

"Thought you might like
to know

that you have fans
in Italy."

-Cool.
-Pretty cool.

-"Through the insight and effortof our friend, Chad, in Dallas,

we receive recordings
of MST3K.

It is a brilliant switch
from Italian TV,

some of whose programsmight one day be forced upon you

in an experiment."

-Oh, yikes.
-Ooh.

-"If you are ever
in the neighborhood, drop in.

Arrivederci,
Jacquelyn Micnolti."

-Linguine.
-Hiroshima, mon amour.

Ah.
-Come on, you guys.

We got a pretty good thing.

-Oh, I love you guys.
-Feel the love.

Come here, Crow.
-Hey, let go.

[Indistinct talking]

-What do you think, Forrest?

-I think I am
going to vomit.

That is the most disgusting
display of emotion

I have ever seen.

Get us out of this nightmare,
Frank.

-[Cries]

Oh, the pathos,
the joy.

Why can't we know love
the way they know love?

-Would you push
the button, please?

-Come on.
Give me a hug, you big galoot.

-Would you get away from me?
-Come on.

Work the steps, Doctor.
Give me a big hug.

-You know, Frank,
now you've got me doing it.

-Well, what's so bad
about feeling good?

-Frank, oh.

Let's push
the button together.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Shrieks indistinctly]