Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 3, Episode 8 - Lost Continent - full transcript
A military team sent to search for a lost rocket ends up trapped on a mountain inhabited by dinosaurs in Lost Continent (1951). Joel refuses to enter the theater during movie sign but the Mads have ways of forcing him into the theater.
-♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪
♪ Next Sunday A.D.
♪ There was a guy
named Joel ♪
♪ Not too different
from you or me ♪
♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute ♪
♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit ♪
♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place ♪
♪ But his bosses
didn't like him ♪
♪ So they shot him
into space ♪
♪ We'll send him
cheesy movies ♪
♪ The worst we can find
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪
♪ And we'll monitor his mind
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Now keep in mind
Joel can't control ♪
♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Because he used
those special parts ♪
♪ To make his
robot friends ♪
-Robot roll call
Cambot
-Pan left.
-Gypsy.
-Hi, girl.
-Tom Servo.
-What a cool guy.
Crow.
-What a wisecracker.
-♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪
♪ And other science facts
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Then repeat to yourself
"It's just a show." ♪
"I should really
just relax."
♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪
-Hey. Hey. Tiny, look at me whenI'm talking to you, alright?
-Now, like I was saying,
I think we can scout out
what the uberlords
have planned
for this week's movie
thanks to the, uh,
game film supplied courtesy of
Cambot over there.
[Indistinct talking]
-Hey, Superdestroyer, hey.
-Beat them.
-Buddy.
-Huh?
-I'll wait --
Wait for it, okay?
I'll say, "Beat them,"
and then you say, "Beat them,
beat them, beat them." Okay?
-Uh, okay, Coach.
-Alright.
Now, like I was saying,
we can have a pretty good idea
what their psychological offenseis gonna be.
-Uh-huh.
-Remember, last week,
they sent us that cheese-eater
of a biker film,
"Wild Rebels" --a definite win for our team, eh?
[Indistinct talking]
But hey, hey, hey.
But the week before that,
at our homecoming,
they sent us
"Rocket Attack U.S.A."
-Aw.
-Commercial sign in 15 seconds.
-Oh.
-"Oh" is right.
It was a standard-issue
bloodletting of our pop
and folk sensibilities.
We almost lost our star setter,
Gypsy.
[Indistinct talking]
-Oh, I love you guys.
-Commercial sign in five,
four, three, two...
-Beat them, beat them,
beat them,
beat them, beat them,
beat them.
[Chanting,
cheering indistinctly]
-No, Crow, you can't use
a man-to-man defense
on these type
of films.
It's strictly
got to be zone.
How are you gonna pick up the
extra man on the give and go,
and not end up
in the trophy case?
-Hey, Coach, if I really sky
under the boards tonight,
can I have some arms
that actually work?
-Listen, I --
I don't have time.
the mad scientists
are calling.
Why don't you talk to
the trainer or something?
-But, Joel, you're our trainer.
-Yeah.
-Just get out there,
you bunch of pantywaists!
Beat them!
Come on!
[Chanting "Beat them!"]
-Ah, good afternoon,
Bumpus.
It's a nice day for a
bloodletting, wouldn't you say?
Well, in regards
to today's movie,
I'm just going to say
"rock climbing."
-Rock climbing?
-Yes. Rock climbing.
But before our "sweet but not
too spicy delve into terror,"
spotlight invention
exchange on young Frank.
Oh, Frank?
-Thanks, boss.
You know, people love to use
stationary exercise treadmills,
uh, for their daily
exercise routine.
But when it gets nice outside,
what do we do? Dr. Forrester?
-Uh, we go to the lake, Frank?
-Exactly.
Oh, nice camera work, there,
Gerry and Sylvia.
We go to the lake.
We -- Back me up on this one,
people.
We go to the lake.
So, now,
when it's nice out,
and you want to go
outside and exercise,
you can take your stationary
exercise treadmill
with you,
like this.
What do you think, boss?
-Oh, couldn't you just walk,
Frank?
-I've also, uh, taken this, uh,
prototype for a stairs machine.
Now, this is really good.
You go from one landing
to the next
as you exercise
on the stairs.
It's really
quite unbelievable.
It's really something.
-Uh, nice -- nice work,
you two.
As for you, you big dumb kid,you just invented the staircase.
-Thank you. And hear me out
on this one.
What I've done is,
I've invented a rowing machine.
And what I've done is, I've put
a rowboat underneath it,
so you can actually go out
into the lake
as you exercise.
I mean, because we do that.
-Would you give me those?
-We do that.
We go to the lake.
-Lazy fool.
-Rock climbing. Rock climbing.
Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing, Gerry.
-Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing, Sylvia.
-In all the excitement,
I forgot.
Rocking climbing, yes.
-Rock climbing.
Well, before we get
to our film,
which is a steamy experiment
into the -- the bowels of...
-Clay, may I?
-You may.
-Thank you very much.
It's called
"Lost Continent,"
and I'm very excited about it
because it has
Cesar Romero,
Hugh Beaumont,
a giant lizard, the guy
from the "Danny Thomas Show,"
and, oh,
did I mention rock climbing?
-Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing, guys,
rock climbing.
-As for you, Joel,
I'm sorry we don't have time
for your invention this week.
Hate to spoil your soup.
Paste them, frank.
-You are all
going to die.
[Laughs]
-I absolutely refuse to go into
the theater against my will!
That's absolutely it!
Ow!
Ow!
I got movie sign
against my will!
[Chanting "Beat them!"]
-Those guys didn't let me do
my invention exchange.
-Look, the incredible
Mr. Lippert.
-Hey, Ladyface.
-Lippert the Lion,
hardy har har.
-"Lost Continent"?
I lost my keys once,
but that's ridiculous.
[Laughter]
-Hey, he must have had
a good agent.
His stones are
10 feet tall.
-Hillary. Chick.
Chick, John.
Hey, look, Acquanetta.
Snot is running down
her nose.
-Hugh Beaumont and Murray Alper
as the Beaver!
-Martin Landau's brother.
Hmm.
Forever Young's brother.
Oh, look, Dunlap,
the tire magnate.
-Oh, Jack Greenhalgh,
phlegm guy.
-He's in charge
of phlegm, yeah.
-Lee press on wood.
-And all the insignificant.
-Do not remove this tag
under penalty of law!
-Tom Productions?
Produced by Sigmund Neufeld
and directed by his brother,
Samuel Newfield.
They were in separate lines
on Ellis Island, you see.
-Hey, there's Carlos Castaneda,
looking for Don Juan.
Oh, no!
-No!
-Haven't we seen
this before?
-Yep.
-Oh, White Sands.
Isn't that where they get
all that stuff
for the hotel ashtrays?
-Yeah.
-Oh, look, it's a V-2.
-Aw, I could've had a V-8.
-Oh, seen it.
-Quit looking over
his shoulder.
He can't work that way.
-We're on our way!
-He's playing
Pong Solitaire.
-So, that's what Ward does
at the office.
-They're really into it.
-I'm into it, too.
I don't mind telling you.
-Huh.
-Don't forget me.
-What it's rate of climb,
Sergeant?
-2,000 feet, mein Fuhrer!
-1,000 feet a minute, sir.
-Phillips, give me a reading
on altitude and distance.
-Phillips, give me
a screwdriver.
-I'll have a rum and Tab.
-Sloe gin fizz for me.
-1,000 miles an hour.
It's 900 miles
since time of launching.
We'll be losing it
in a couple of minutes.
-I know that.
-She's right on course.
-Hello, Nobel.
-Jane, stop this
crazy thing! Jane!
-Dr. Rostov, it's as if this
atomic-powered engine of yours
is going to outmow
jet propulsions.
-Oh, quit kissing up.
-We'll see, General.
-It's out of range, sir.
-Desert Station calling
Top of the World.
-Top of the World, Ma!
-Jane, stop this crazy thing!
-It all started at a little
500-watt radio station
in Fresno, California.
-Look.
That could change the game
of lacrosse forever.
Large-scale Pong.
-Hello, Desert Station.
Pip moving in on
Top of the World.
-Ma!
-Altitude -- 23 miles.
Speed -- 1,800 miles an hour.
-Attitude -- not too good.
-Heading due west on course
as charted.
She's practically over our headsright now, heading out to sea.
-Hey, it's the wackiest ship
in the army.
-There's no hope of an escape
from Stalag XIII, Hogan.
-Now this is a visual
representation of a theremin.
-Hmm.
-Contact Desert Station.
-Neptune to Desert Station.
Neptune to Desert Station.
Come in, Desert Station.
-Hold me.
-Over.
-Hey, it's Droopy.
-Hello, Neptune.
Come in.
-Rocket looking very good.
-We're 1,000 miles
out to sea.
-I wonder what the boys
are up to.
-Altitude -- 38 miles.
-I just discovered
I look like Robert Ryan.
-Speed -- 2,000 miles an hour.
Rocket approaching
point return back.
-Hey, it's Dino.
What a ding-a-ling.
♪♪
-Hey, Jerry,
there's something wrong with
the stock-footage
simulator.
-Hello, Neptune.
We are waiting. Come in.
-This is Neptune,
God of the Sea.
-Do you get me, Neptune?
Do you get me?
This is Desert Station.
We are waiting.
Anything wrong?
-No, just everything.
Just dump on me.
-Well, what's the matter?
♪♪
-Uh, Jerry, were you
messing with this?
-Oh, that cuts it, Dean.
-Desert Station,
we can't reverse the rocket.
It's out of control.
It won't turn back.
The rocket
isn't turning back.
-Goodbye, Nobel.
-It's 100 miles past us.
120, 50, 75...
-Uh-oh.
-...200.
-No, not 200!
-Get them back.
-Desert Station
calling Neptune.
-Yes, Desert Station?
-Give me that.
-This is
Dr. Michael Rostov.
Are you sure your reading
is correct?
Are you sure
you haven't miscalculated?
-Oh, yeah, I'm the jerk.
It couldn't be
your crappy rocket.
-It came in right on schedule
on its exact course.
-Where is it now?
-It's getting below
the horizon.
-Hmm.
-It's gone.
-Hurts, doesn't it?
-Ouch.
-Neptune still standing by,
Desert Station, on orders.
-Have them keep
a clear channel.
-Yes, sir.
-Well, I'd better tell June
to hold supper.
-I don't like this.
-Stand by. Keep channel clear.
-Roger. Neptune
standing by. Over.
-Hold me.
-Dr. Briggs, traveling for 3
more hours at its present rate
of speed,
same fixed cost,
where would you say
it would crash?
-Well, here is us.
-Somewhere within this radius.
-Not good, is it?
-Not good?
-No, it's not good.
-...a total failure.
If we can ever recover it, we'llfind why it didn't come back.
-Oh, he's just grasping
at straws, now.
-Captain, you represent
the armed forces.
You know what
this test means.
-Does this mean
we can kill stuff?
-Right now, it's a failure.
-Oh, so we're the jerks now.
-We've always managed
to be first in a long race
against time.
We proved that
with the atom bomb.
-My head is a plaster cast
of Robert Mitchum.
-...or if someone else should
recover it before we do...
-Why is he looking at me?
I didn't do anything.
-...well, you know
the consequences.
It isn't the money
we've spent.
-Shame, shame, shame.
-It's the time out of the lives
of men like Rostov
and Phillips and Briggs...
-Wally, Lumpy, Whitey,
the Beav, Eddie.
-...men working under them.
-Those hours represent
a large portion
of our nation's security.
-And I'm talking to you, Bob.
-If we don't get
that rocket back,
we may never survive to know
just how much security we lost.
-Look, we feel
bad enough, okay?
-I'll get an okay
for a search party.
-And I don't want to hear,
"I don't know." Jerk.
-Who died,
and made him Droopy?
-I don't know.
-Yeah.
-Line to the White House,
please.
-Oh, the White House,
we're all impressed.
-Scramble it.
-Adam and Eve on a raft --
Huh?
-Ah, toasty fire.
-Another demo test?
-No thanks.
Coffee is bad
for my sense of humor.
-Makes me slur my words.
-And with you, I have to stay
on my good behavior.
-Mrs. Roosevelt
is looking fine.
-Mm-hmm.
-Not at all.
That's what it's there for,
Major Nolan.
-Joe is the name, remember?
-Tail Gunner Joe.
-Don't let the rank fool you.
-Habit, I guess.
-I guess.
You don't seem to be running
out of inhibitions, either.
-Drink your drink, Joe.
-Yes, Mommy.
-Marla, I, uh --
-Tell me more about
your being a flight instructor.
-Mm.
-The boys you train to fly,
what are they like today?
-Oh, they're dead.
Sorry.
♪♪
-Well, they're...
-Great. No more hot-rod
jockey pilots, no more flying
by the seat of their pants.
These boys think.
The day of the prop
on planes is over.
These boys flying today have
to know their engineering...
-Just keep talking,
dickweed.
-We're after the same kind
of brainpower that MIT is,
or Carnegie Tech or...
-Hey!
-Wait a minute.
You had me doing this same show
the other night.
-Hmm.
-I just wanted to see
if you had
any new material.
-Let me see.
You were taking me up
to the door to say goodnight.
-You tried to use me as a key.
-Oh, I remember.
You wanted to come inside,
and show me how you simulated
landings at 10,000 feet.
-Oh, I was drunk, wasn't I?
-Oh, sure.
What's the matter
with me?
That was Tuesday night
I saw you.
-Hmm, no.
-Wednesday.
-Hmm. Oh, then your name's
not Betty, is it?
-Yeah, sure, of course,
Wednesday, uh, crash landings.
-Nope.
-Parachute jumps?
-Nope.
-Clown suits?
-Yeah.
-I was tired that night, Joe.
You left me at the front door.
-Oh.
-Oh.
-Oh, please don't get up.
I'll change the record.
-Oh, geez, I really
dropped the ball.
Got to stay in control.
I'm still a champ.
I can do it!
-Hmm, hey, look,
the Dead, Mel Tormé.
Hey, here is one of mine.
-He is neat.
Really nice caboose.
-Ah, Marcel Marceau's album.
-Dinner was magnificent.
-We did eat dinner,
didn't we?
-Let's give the music
a break, shall we?
-Oh, would you give us
a break?
-...worry about my figure.
A woman appreciates
such thoughtfulness.
-I'll soon have you down
to fighting weight, honey.
-What a shame.
-I lead.
Give to Cesar
what is Cesar's.
-Fly a plane as well
as you dance?
-I manage.
-Those simulated
landings, I --
-Ooh, you taste like
Bud Abbott.
-Get the clown suit.
-...certainly took a long time
getting around to that, Major?
-It'll never happen again.
[Buzzer sounds]
-Ooh, it's like
an Operation game.
Touch her there,
and she buzzes.
-Remove tongue from tonsils.
-The door.
-I don't hear anything.
-Maybe you better answer it.
-It's my electric truss.
-Ooh.
-Great to see
she's got a nice back.
-Excuse me, Major.
You wearing your Jimmy hat?
-Pardon me, ma'am,
but is, uh, Major Nolan here?
-Oh, is that who I am?
-Hi.
-What is it, Sergeant?
-My neck, sir,
it's fused to my spine.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
-Orders for you to report
back to the base at once, sir.
They'll have a plane warming up
for you at the flight line.
-Oh, I was just
warming up myself.
-At once, sir.
-Alright, Sergeant.
-Oh, well.
-Come back soon, Joe.
-And, uh, bring
your Jimmy hat.
-I'd like to
finish our...
discussion about
simulated landings.
[Innocent whistling]
-What time is it, Sergeant?
-2:30, sir.
-Oh, back on the stick.
-...a whole lot
better to me at 3:00.
-Mwah!
-She's not bad, sir,
if you don't mind me saying it.
-I don't mean to sound
personal, Sergeant,
but how did you --
-Just following orders, Major.
If I hadn't have come across
this at your quarters,
I, uh, might not have found you
for another 30 minutes.
-Eh, he's pretty old
for a sergeant.
He must have punched
an officer.
-Very careless of you, sir.
-Give me that.
-These are all guys.
-If you don't mind my saying
so, sir,
you're an awfully
tough man to follow.
-She's hot.
-Why, I ought to...
-Oh.
-Knucklehead.
-I'll be right back.
-What was that
guy's name again?
I remember him.
-Uh, the guy who was on
"The Danny Thomas Show."
-Yeah, that's his name.
-I don't want any more
complaints out of you,
sweetheart.
I only gave you
all new parts.
Now use them.
-Uh-huh.
-And, you, my blood you got --
half the night
I spent over you.
What happens?
Wrong size.
Now you got a new one
that fits.
Use it.
Be relaxed and satisfied.
-Sergeant Tatlow.
-Hey, it does talk!
-The CO wants you.
-Oh, it's him.
-What, and leave us sitting
here practically naked?
-Well, put your pants on,
and get going.
-If you want to wind up
getting hot and cold baths
in a straitjacket,
that's your business.
Mine is to take you
to the CO.
You coming?
-Orders,
that's all they know.
They get them.
They give them.
You get them, you're stuck.
And does your draft board care?
-Mm-hmm.
-Eh.
-Eh.
-Come on.
-Ah!
-Mwah! I love
this old suit.
-For the next 30 days,
stay lost.
-Everybody talks to inanimate
objects in this movie.
Pretty strange.
-Now don't misunderstand me.
I don't want to make you
feel terrible,
but I always said
I'd never die in a plane.
-But I've changed my mind.
-Let's see.
Oh.
-Mother.
-Well, she got
married last month.
-That makes me
legitimate now.
-And my brother, Russell.
He made the pep squad.
-I'll keep the flying jacket
while on my leave.
I'll tell you all about it
when I get back.
-Here we go.
-Huh?
-Oh.
-Lieutenant Wilson?
-Where?
-One L or two?
-Uh, five.
-Lieutenant Daniel Wilson.
-Yeah.
-Got your library card, sir.
-CO wants you right away.
-Uh-oh.
-Dame said she voted
last year.
-What?
-Maybe she lied.
I can't understand.
-I think that's over our heads.
-As I was telling
that other guy,
I never wanted
to die in a plane,
but now I'm very
excited about it.
-Alright.
Give me another rum and diet.
Then, we auger it in, Phil.
-...all kinds of contentment
and peace, and what happens?
-Dad, Dad, can we stop?
I got to go to the bathroom.
-Hey, come on.
-We're going to get there.
Are we there yet?
Can we stop?
-I lost out on a little
contentment and peace myself.
-What?
-So why pick on me?
-Because I missed
your ugly face, Danny boy.
I got lonesome
because it was so pleasant
and uncomplaining
those two delightful years
we spent living in that romanticSouth Pacific jungle together.
-Geez, everything is a speech
with these guys.
-We ought to crash
on an island
that's loaded
with guerrilla resistance.
-You made it sound so good.
I'm taking us in.
-And in 2 seconds, you're
the South Pacific Commando.
What a picnic.
-You got liberated.
-Yeah, I got liberated.
-So did she.
-Look where it got me.
-Liberation,
it's a wonderful thing.
Let's drink to it.
-Oh, must be
a Northwestern flight. Huh?
-Huh?
-Sergeant?
How about some coffee?
-No thanks.
I already had mine.
I love that.
-If it's not one thing,
it's another.
-Coming right up, sir.
-Hmm, I got to...
Oh.
Forget that rest stop.
I'm fine now.
-Meanwhile,
over Ames, Iowa...
-That guy is kind of
a chunky steward, isn't he?
-Hmm.
-Eh, pardon me, Doc.
I brought you some coffee.
-Oh, uh, uh, uh,
I wasn't doing anything.
-Whoa, thanks, Sergeant.
Smells good.
-It's just me.
-Ah, let me tell you, Doc,
everything about this doll
smells good.
Just look at the fuselage --
really stacked, huh?
-Uh, you've been alonetoo long, haven't you, Sergeant?
-Listen to her sing.
I tell you, she's a dream,
Doc, my baby.
-If she could only cook.
-Hey, you're talking about
the woman he loves!
-Oh, Doc, uh,
I can see you haven't had
much experience with dames.
You know, the first thing
you got to know is n--
never spoil their makeup.
-Uh, uh-huh, you're reallybucking for that Section 8, pal.
-Tell me, what's that point
we just passed over?
-I'm the wrong guy
to ask, Doc.
You know, looking out from high
places makes little black spots
do a ballet
in front of my eyes.
-I can prove these guys
don't exist.
-Thank you, man.
-Remind me to kill you later.
-Uh, got some coffee
for you, Doc.
-Coffee?
-Yeah, it's a beverage.
-Oh, yes, thanks.
-Oh, it's just what I need
about this time.
-But definitely.
-Uh, and suicide has
a U in it, sir.
-Would you get out of here?
D'oh.
-Do, do, do, do, oh.
Oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh.
-Uh, genocide has a C
in it, sir.
-Would you get out of here?
-Yes, Sergeant?
-Oh.
I --
I don't know
about you, Doc,
but these long trips
always get me a little sleepy.
Figured a little coffee
might keep us all awake, yeah?
-I don't sleep. Get away from
me, little monkey boy.
-...that you know.
-Man, don't say "hi." Jeepers.
-I will hollow you out,
and use you as a sleeping bag.
-Ever fly
one of these before?
-Nope.
-Neither have I.
-Okay.
-Okay. Let's see here.
Who had the Manhattan, and who
had the 15 rum and Diet Cokes?
Good thing we stocked up
at Fargo.
-Oh, what characters,
you're as bad as flying
a bunch of congressmen
to visit the war front.
-Why, Willie, how you talk.
This is a posh assignment.
-What a femme.
-We're hauling VIPs --
distinguished scientists.
Sergeant, you should'vebrewed them some liquid hydrogen
served with smashed atoms
on crackers.
-Somebody's hurting.
-Yeah.
Yeah, I'll serve them.
One joker is taking pictures
through a window.
Another one looks like he's
writing a letter to Einstein.
That Rostov guy is playing gameswith a map.
And what do we do?
Go chasing after a rocket.
-That's a naughty word,
Sergeant -- top secret.
-Hey, take over.
-Me?
I'm just a sergeant.
-I'm gonna play Boy Scout
back there,
let you two
aggravate each other.
-Let's get out of here.
-Eh.
-Keep your ulcers happy.
-Hey, did you ever fly
one of these things?
-Ulcers, he says.
My ulcers never had it so good
flying with me this trip.
-Turns off the hose,
climbs down from the ladder,
turns to the clown, and says,
"What, and quit show business?"
[Laughs]
-Tom, I'd really love
to laugh at that,
but I'm the one
who told it to you.
Essentially, I programmed it
into your memory, remember?
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, here is one you'll like.
You'll want to get this.
You'll like this.
Okay.
There's these four monks,
an albino squirrel
in a shoe factory, okay?
-Hey, there's a ship
coming into range.
-Okay. You can tell your joke
when I'm done.
-No, it's --
it's no joke.
-Or your anecdote,
or whatever you got.
But anyway,
there's these four monks,
and they work on
a construction crew.
This is neat.
They work at a construction crewat the monastery, okay,
And they just get done
working on some of
the stations at the cross.
-Joel, Joel, Joel...
-And they see this albino
squirrel who carries it
really well, and...
-Joel.
-Oh, would you
cut that out?
-Well, hey, geez,
what a grouch.
It's the only way
I could get your attention.
-Hey, there's a ship
coming into range.
-Whillikers,
he's right!
Cambot, get me rocket
number nine pronto!
[Doorbell rings]
-Hello, boys.
-Hugh Beaumont?
-Oh, come on.
Call me "Dad."
-Geez, sir -- I mean, Dad.
What are you doing here?
-Well, you see, boys, uh,
I'm one of the four horsemen
of the apocalypse,
and, uh, I come bearing
a message of unholy death.
-Huh?
-That's right.
I'm really going to give you
the business -- destroy you,
your world,
and all that you know.
But first,
a stern talking-to.
You know, you boys shouldn't be
so hard on that movie.
A lot of people worked quitehard to bring that movie to you.
-Gee, I guess we shouldn't be
so quick
to judge others, then, huh?
-That's right, Crow.
-[Whispers] He bought it.
What a jerk.
-Well, I'm glad we learned
a little lesson then.
Well, it's time to die.
-Gee, sir -- I mean, Dad,
why must you kill
all life and matter?
-Yeah, can't you give us
another chance?
-Oh, please, Dad,
don't kill us,
and take our souls
to the afterworld, and stuff.
-Boys, I --
I think I owe you an apology.
I guess your mother and I
got so wrapped up
in this apocalypse thing,
I didn't have time
to think how you felt.
-Well, then you're not
going to destroy us?
-Oh, I don't see
how I could.
Well, I've got
to get going.
I've got to catch up
to Fred MacMurray and the boys.
They're about
to destroy Earth.
Drink your milk.
-What a sweet guy.
-And so,
we invade Poland.
-Hey, I can see
my house from here.
-Ever fly
one of these things?
-No.
-Me neither.
-Looks like this is it.
-What?
-Oh, Stucky's.
-We're now approaching
rocket's point of departure,
where Neptune radar unit
lost contact.
-Put your shoes on, kids.
We're circling Grandma's.
-I wish my life
had meaning.
-I can't believe they charge
$3.50 for those things.
-From now on,
keep your eyes peeled.
-If the rocket
hit the ocean,
you'll see a dye marker
covering the spot.
I'm going upstairs,
so we can get a good look.
-Uh, Bob, this is a plane.
There is no upstairs.
-Meanwhile, over Bowling Green,
Tennessee...
-Hey, you ever fly
one of these things?
-Nope.
-Neither have I.
-Hey, I can see
my house from here.
-We're now in the zone
where rocket ran out of fuel.
-This is the pilot.
Anybody back there
ever flown one of these?
-I know.
It's my fault.
-I miss the Beaver.
-Hey, I can see
my house from here.
-Have you...
-Oh, don't even ask.
-You sure?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
-Hmm.
-Dead end.
Dead end.
-[Singing]
♪ Dead end, dead end
♪ Dead end, dead end
-Sorry.
-Huh?
-What?
-Island to your left,
I'm swinging over it,
so you can take a look.
-Hmm.
-His left.
-I can see his scalp from here.
-Cool.
-Huh?
-Hey, my --
my watch has never
done that before.
It's trilling.
-Hmm.
This place is crawling
with Goldak.
♪♪
Uh-oh.
-Rostov, Briggs...
-Rico! Youngblood!
-The dagger is jumping
all over the place.
-Meanwhile, over
Three Mile Island...
-Whoa!
-I can see our careers
from here.
-Right hand red.
-You ever crash
one of these?
-I'll get coffee.
-I was kidding about
that death pact, Hal.
Come on.
-Hey, what happened?
-We're losing altitude fast.
Something's gone crazy.
-Hey, don't get
technical with me.
-All the magnetic controls
are conked out,
electrical systems shut.-The whole panel is dead, Joe --
as dead as we'll be if we don't
ditch this baby, and bail out.
-No, we'll be deader.
-Sergeant, get back
and take care of the others.
We're going to try
and make that island.
-I'll go get coffee.
-The captain has put on
the no-smoking sign.
Your seat back doubles
as a flotation device.
-And, you, Adolf,
you look fabulous.
-Okay, Doc.
The major is heading
for the island!
-Help me!
-Ever dive one
of these things?
-We blew it, Phil.
♪♪
-Damn fly.
♪♪
-I'm only lending this doll
to you, Major.
Bring her back to me
in one piece.
-Punch it, Hal.
I want to die with you.
-Be kind to her.
Be gentle with her.
She won't double-cross you.
Easy, Major.
-Oh, that looks like
a good place.
-Whoa.
-Where's George Kennedy
when you need him?
-You ever crash one
of these things?
♪♪
-Thank you
for flying Northwest.
-Hey, we landed
on a witch.
Maybe the film will be in color
from this point.
-Alright, you kids.
Quit horsing around back there.
-Last time we let you
play in-flight Twister.
-Whew! It smells like
a wrestling match.
-Yo.
-Get the first-aid kit.
Briggs is bleeding.
-You did a beautiful job,
Major.
I didn't think
we had a chance.
-Let's form a soccer team,
and eat each other.
-I like living, too.
This will hurt
for a minute.
-Yeah. That's what I always
tell my kids.
-What went wrong?
-I don't know.
-Maybe there was hand soap
in the hydraulic fluid.
-Magnetic instruments,
the radio, everything --
they just stopped cold.
-That's strange.
-I usually have a line here.
-Just before we crashed,
the Geiger registered
intense radio activity.
-Huh?
-What do you make of that?
-We're over
something hot.
-Other than that, your guess
is as good as mine.
-Hey, I hope the Geiger...
-No! Whoa!
-Get the Geiger!
Whoa!
-A lot of Goldak
reading here.
Oh, thank goodness.
-Sounds like an old
Duran Duran tape.
-Oh, "Hungry Like the Wolf"?
-Yeah.
-Oh, great.
-This is an old movie.
Oh, no Goldak here.
-I can see you're really upset
about this, Dave.
-But there's nothing.
-Hey!
My watch is going.
It stopped before,
but now it's going.
-Great, I'll alert the media.
-Come on, let's go out,
and take a look at this
South Sea paradise.
-You'll be alright, Briggs.
-Yeah, what a joker.
-Uh, just put that anywhere.
-Ugh, what a day.
-Hey, they left
the morning paper here.
-Beautiful.
-Good morning.
-Morning.
-Morning!
-Seems rather peaceful.
-Talk to some of our guys
who crashed
in New Guinea
during the war...
-Whoa. I'm sorry
I brought it up.
-...headhunters, taboos.
-Down there may be a park,
but I'm not gonna
depend on it.
-Maybe we ought to try to
get the radio working, huh,
let somebody know
where we are?
-Hey, maybe it's time
to take that parachute off.
-...radio silence
until we find the rocket.
-Oh, that's just fine --
headhunters, cannibals...
-Break out the guns
and ammunitions, Sergeant.
-It's time for a celebration.
-Round up what food we have.
Better check
all your equipment.
Take only
the essential things.
-Like Vitalis.
-Looks like we might be
camping out for a while.
-Night falls quickly
in the jungle,
but morning comes
just as soon.
-Guys, this kind of reminds me
of a movie I once saw
about two guys
who crashed in a jungle, and...
-Wish we could havea charbroiled hamburger sandwich
and some French-fried
potatoes.
-Oh, that's what
I'm talking about.
-Yeah.
-Oops, there goes another
rubber tree plant.
-Thanks, Frank.
-Are they walking
in a circle?
♪♪
-Man, I hope there's
a gift shop.
-What do you think?
-Who knows?
Maybe we're being set up
for pigeons.
-And you're the mother-loving
pigeon of them all.
-Well, just remember the rule,
everybody --
if you don't understand it,
shoot it.
-Look for a woman
named "Wanama."
Gilligan!
Mary Ann!
-Let's torch the village.Let's do the whole village, man!
Let's do it!
♪♪
-It's a Gauguin still life!
Shoot it!
-Hey.
Beaver?
June?
What are you
doing here?
-This ain't gonna be
such a bad leave.
-He's perfect.
-Uh, excuse me.
You know how to get back to
the interstate from here?
-Hi.
-Jim, Mack, Joe, Fred.
-Too bad we don't know
their language.
-Yes, she might be able
to help us.
-I know a couple
of Melanesian dialects.
I'll try them out on her.
-Who are you?
-Whoa!
-Don't -- don't do that!
-You know English?
-From missionary school --
island over there,
where my people go.
-It's called Harvard.
-Your people left? Why?
-Firebird fly over village,
send out flame and smoke.
-The rocket.
It must be the rocket.
-We're in luck.
-Earth tremble.
People frightened,
leave in boats.
-Oh, big day for you, huh?
-Uh, this firebird, uh --
where did it land?
-On sacred mountain,
home of gods.
Chief say spirit angry
at bird...
-Run out of pronouns.
-...make earth tremble.
-Why didn't you leave
with the rest of them?
-Rocks fall down.
-Rock stupid.
-My father hurt.
-Aw.
-Brother and I stay
until he die.
-Aw.
-But who are you?
-I'm Cesar Romero,
international Latin star.
-We came after the firebird,
to take away its evil.
-They can do that?
-Whoa, Sabu speaks!
-If you could take us
to where it landed.
-No, no.
-No, no.
-No, no, no.
-No, no, no, no.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-No, no.
-If you show us where
this firebird came down,
we can break its spell.
It'll never fly again.
-And then, we'll give you
some glass beads and stuff.
-And your people can come home,
and live in peace again.
-I show way to sacred mountain,
but it is taboo.
You will not come back.
-Follow me, boys.
Ooh, ooh!
-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
-Ooh, swing to the right.
-There's sacred mountain,
home of gods.
-Did she make that out
of mashed potatoes?
-Couldn't land
on a nice, soft beach,
had to pick the top
of a mountain.
-Well, there's nothing yet,
but any radioactivity
would be shielded from us
by the mountain.
-Yeah, it's FM.
-Aren't you coming with us?
-No.
-Me no got lead sarong.
-Sacred mountain taboo.
No one ever come back
from home of gods.
-Besides, you guys not
see woman in long time.
-That's the first dameI ever seen run out on you, Joe.
Must be losing
your touch.
-Huh, funny. Jerk.
-I like these guys.
-We'll be right back.
-Uh, what happened
to their torsos?
-Well, fellas,
looks like we came upon
a sacred burial ground.
What say we defile it?
-Looks like
a dumping ground.
-Have you ever walked through
one of these before?
-Will you let that
die, please?
-Sorry.
-Hmm, hey, rocks.
-Well, looks like
we'll start climbing.
-It seems we have
no alternative.
-Well, one thing,
nobody can say
we're not getting plenty
of exercise on this trip.
-Who needs it?
-Uh, did everybody
get a line now?
-Hey, you can't even
see the top!
-You get busy up there,
Sergeant.
You want to bail out, you've
always got your parachute.
-Yeah, what happens
if it's dark?
-You won't get lost.
You light matches
on the way down.
-Uh, is everybody done
heaping shame on me?
-Phew, I got to follow that?
Ugh!
-Hey, get me.
I'm almost out of the frame.
-Look at that.
They've got their wing-tipped
climbing Oxfords on, there.
-Climb every mountain
till you find your dream?
I don't think so.
-You ever see
"Eiger Sanction"?
-Help me.
♪♪
-Hey, Joel.
What's that on his belt?
-Oh, that's his, uh,
femur bone.
-Oh, he carries a spare.
-Mm-hmm.
-Boo!
-Ah!
-You got me.
-Whew.
♪♪
-Ah!
Just kidding.
♪♪
-Take my hand.
♪♪
-Love on the rocks.
♪♪
-Uh, hey,
could you turn down
your Aaron Copland
watch, please?
-Joel, why are we watching thisdull mountain-climbing sequence?
-Well, because it's there.
♪♪
-Rock climbing, Joel.
-Boo!
-Oh!
-Well, here is a little trick
I learned either
from Will Rogers
or Bob Mapplethorpe.
I can't remember who.
-Wow, roping a wild rock
isn't easy to do.
-How fortunate.
This will simplify everything.
-I'm gonna climb up,
and into Lincoln's nose.
-Remember, Robin, both hands
on the bat-rope.
♪♪
-Don't look up
my pant leg.
♪♪
-Uh, some of these maneuvers
are just for me, folks.
♪♪
-Let him go.
-I'm here, Steve.
I got you.
♪♪
-No one will be admitted duringthe breathtaking climbing scene.
-Rock climbing, Crow.
-Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing, Joel, Crow.
-It's secure up here.
-Oh, yuck!
There's Vitalis
all over this rope, Cesar.
-Well, looks like
I'm the first man --
Oh.
♪♪
-Ooh, almost caught him.
-Ooh, let me tell you, working
the Catskills is tough!
Ooh!
-Dope on a rope.
-For God's sake, hang on.
-Little buddy.
Don't let go.
♪♪
-What?
-Hey, what's Henry Fonda
doing there?
-Wherever there's a guy
climbing a mountain,
he'll be there.
-Anybody want some coffee?
-Hey, strap more crap
to your belt.
-Hey, I'll be alright.
-What's that?
-Phillips!
-Uh-oh.
-Do not worry.
-Ah, grab the butt,
makes a better handle.
-Hey, they're pantsing him!
-It's like bowling.
[Indistinct talking]
-Oh, this guy is a goner.
-Yep.
-I can smell it.
-He's dead.
-Dead for sure.
-Hey, watch out!
They're grabbing kids'
butts up there!
♪♪
-Look, I'll thank you
not to touch my butt.
-Just -- Just my hand, please.
Thank you.
-Uh-oh.
Why do the violins always trill
when he's climbing?
♪♪
-Don't do it!
Don't you do it!
I got nowhere else to go!
-Come on, Doc.
-Oh, please don't
grab my butt.
I just had an operation,
if you don't mind.
-Just take my hand.
♪♪
-Well, who wants a drink?
♪♪
-Give me a cigarette,
will you?
-The thinner the air,
the richer the smoke.
-Seems like we've been climbing
for days.
-Tell us about it.
-There's no top
to this rock pile.
-You got an
appointment somewhere?
-Uh, as a matter
of fact...
-What's the matter, Doc?
Anything wrong?
-Nah. I'm just making a check
with the Geiger.
-Is that check current?
-Getting anything?
-Slight reading --
very slight.
-From the rocket?
-No, from our hats, dickweed.
-Hey, Doc,
is your head clear?
-No. It's opaque.
-Sure.
-I wish I could say mine was.
-Mine's Lucite.
-Well, let's go.
-Well, it is.
-So soon?
-Come on. Get your packs on.
-You got an appointment
someplace?
-Yeah, with a rocket.
-Call the rocket's secretary.
We'll have to reschedule.
-Here we go again.
From the director who brought
you that earlier stuff,
more of the same.
♪♪
-Doesn't the action let up
for a moment?
-This is better than that
"Indiana Jones" truck sequence.
-Yeah.
-Remember?
Yeah.
-Oh, that was the exciting
Odessa trip sequence.
-Not since Andy Warhol's
"Empire State"
has a camera stayed
in one place for so long.
♪♪
-Ugh. Ew.
That can't be healthy.
Did somebody have a Cobb salad,
or something? Whoa.
[Coughing]
♪♪
-I'm here, Steve.
-Warned you about smoking
that cigarette.
-Get up, you lazy...
-Come on. Get up there.
Use your femur.
-What happened?
-He loved too much.
-It's poison gas.
-He who smelt it
dealt it.
[All laugh mockingly]
-Let it go.
We're here for you.
-Now I know what she meant
about not coming back.
-Some kind of corrosive gas
generated from the earth.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Well, great, me
with only a parachute.
I should have brought
a gas mask.
-Good one.
-Probably caused by
internal pressures.
-No, it was the Cobb salad.
I'm sure of it.
-There seems to be
considerable volcanic activity.
-Come on, can
the balloon juice, Prof.
-You alright to go on?
-Yeah. Sure.
What's a little poison gas?
-Between friends.
-Got to find another way.
-You feeling strong enough,
Briggs?
Perhaps you
shouldn't continue.
-Oh, plot point,
plot point!
-Sid Fields
would put that earlier.
-Yep.
-Hey, what gives?
I don't know about that.
-Well, don't everybody
talk at once.
-They turned around,
and the hitchhiker was gone!
-Hey, this is
a no-smoking cave.
-Anything to keep a guy
from sleeping.
-Since when did a little noise
keep you awake?
-Shut up, or I'll short-sheet
your rock.
-Since a rocket came
into my life.
-Yeah, but look at all
the trouble it kept you out of.
-I love this
good-natured ribbing.
-Bob, uh, I'm on fire.
-Ah, this doesn't scare me.
I ate a rat once.
-Hmm, I wonder if this plot
will ever get moving.
-Eh.
-Now, this is only
for conversation,
but if you were gonna eat
a human body,
where would you start?
-Hmm.
-Can I snuggle
with you guys?
-Your family?
-Came with the wallet.
-Yeah.
The girl is 12.
The boy is 16.
-We're your family now.
-Fine-looking kids.
-Name them after me, will you?
-You'll have quite a story totell them when we get back, yes?
-I hope I will.
-Hmm.
-Hey, Hugh,
where's the back
of your skull?
-Well, that's what I get forsitting on my big fat blueprints
and helping to build
guided missiles.
-Fat blueprints?
-That's actually pretty funny.
-I should have listened
to my wife.
She's been after me for years
to get in condition.
-And God.
-Guess the natives would say
that the gods
were angry tonight.
-I'd say they're bowling.
-And they're crazy.
-Ever been married, Major?
-Are you asking?
-I come close to it a couple
of times, one way or another.
-How come you never
got pinned down?
-All done?
-Yeah, some wife telling him
what dames he should
or shouldn't go out with?
-Now stay it without
the stick in your mouth.
I don't like
the others.
I'll use their bones
to butter my bread.
Kitty!
-Up there,
on the rock!
-You mean by
that gargantuan lizard?
♪♪
-Art is art,
but I just don't see it.
-I'd say Doc has been sniffing
his polychlorinates again.
-Yeah, looks like Doc has been
writing his own positions.
-Oh, enough of this
for you.
-Music.
Okay, you got
the cards, Cambot?
-You ready, everybody?
Shh!
-"The Explorers,"
a Quinn Martin production,
starring Joel Robinson.
Also starring Crow,
and Tom Servo,
with special guest
star Michael Sarrazin.
Tonight's episode,"Drop Personal Pronouns or Die,"
Act I.
-Oh, what I wouldn't give fora charbroiled hamburger sandwich
and some
french-fried potatoes.
-Oh, you said it.
-Mm-hmm.
-Greetings,
naive native types.
I am Joel Robinson,
explorer.
I come on great white
jet bird in sky.
-Oh, you mean
that DC-9 Stretch
that arrived
at 0:14 hours this morning?
-I come to teach you white way,
teach you white man's tongue.
-Geez, what is it
with this guy?
-I show you great white
culture -- Shakespeare,
"Be, not be?"
that question.
Sinatra, "Get no kick champagne,me fire watcher,
no thrill, get kick you."
Kingstons, "Louie, Louie,
ooh, baby, we got go,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
-You're high, aren't you?
-Act II.
-I come to teach you...
-You primitive,
backward people.
-...people.
You know not about Bible.
You know not about, uh...
-School, school.
-...schools.
You know not about
Home Shopping Network.
-Servo, look at his eyes.
He's all tripped up
on goofballs.
-I...
-Act III.
-I here to show you
ways of West,
show you
Judeo-Christian way of life.
-Oh, that's all very
well and good,
but why are you talking
like an idiot?
Act IV.
-I need you guys
to talk this way
because, uh,
it's the only way
you can help support
the white male reality.
-Oh, well, how
do you figure that?
-Well, as a white man
ravages his world
with his imperialistic
corporate sensibilities,
you see, you help
support his smug,
superioristic attitude
by talking real dumb.
-Geez, this sketch
is getting preachy.
-Okay.
We make white devil feel good.
We talk like jerk.
-Great.
I know I could count on you
simple, backwards natives
to help me out.
-Glad we be of help.
Crow, kill him.
Kill him!
Kill him!
Epilogue. Kill him!
-I knew it!
I knew it!
-What?
-So, thought you could make
Crow the fall guy,
didn't you, Tom Servo?
Pretty tricky, but the truth is,is you killed Michael Sarrazin!
You did it!
-Hey, what kind of
psychedelic voyage
are you on now?
-He had it all figured out.
He knew the perfect crime.
I even had Betty and Jebediah
check for prints,
but they came up short.
but you forgot the one thing
that every murder forgets!
-Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel,
you're way off script.
What the hell
are you talking about?
-Uh, well, I --
I'm just trying to find a way
to justify all this Quinn Martinstuff with the Explorer stuff.
-He never produced anything
with Explorer in it.
-Okay, okay.
I did it!
I killed him.
And you know what?
I'm glad I did it --
glad, I tell you. Glad!
-We have closure,
and movie time!
-What did you see
up there?
-A monster I've never
seen before.
-And then what?
-I think he's getting
rocket-happy.
-Shut up.
-You sure it wasn't just
your imagination?
-Uh, he has no imagination.
-No, it can't be.
-He's a scientist.
-Well, all I see is spots.
-We're gonna need
a bigger cave.
We're gonna get
a bigger cave, right?
-Oh, Felipe, you're getting
a good draw off that thing.
-It's very foggy.
-Mm-hmm.
-Hey, the land of
Dairy Queen.
-Ah, a whole new day
of rock climbing.
-Finally at the top,
and then I can get -- oh?
Uh-oh.
♪♪
-I don't think
this is even close.
♪♪
Careful -- oh.
Hey, it's Edmund Hillary.
♪♪
-Whew.
-Hey, you kids
get down from there.
-Break your neck.
-Or I'll break it for you.
-Well, looks like what they're
going to do is keep the camera
on each actor like a slow,
painful montage.
Pain.
-Rock climbing, Servo.
-Rock climbing, Joel.
-Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing, Crow.
Cambot, rock climbing.
I hate when they put him
in the smoking section.
-Hey, save the fog.
We could use it
in a Ridley Scott film.
-They just climbed
through the ionosphere.
Is that legal?
-Oh. Why don't you
go on a diet?
♪♪
-Ow.
Oh, that's okay.
I didn't need
that arm anyway.
Thank you.
-Well, we're finally
at the t-- oh, no.
-Come on, men,
just a few more feet,
and we'll be a few
more feet along.
-Oh, we're in hell.
Neat.
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
-Neat.
-Hmm.
-Oh, my God,
they've done it!
They've done it!
They've reached the side.
-Huh?
-You know what I'm really
hungry for right now?
Rock lobster.
-Yeah.
-For some reason, I...
-Anything by the B-52s,
really.
-Robert Lippert presents
"A Mountain Out of a Molehill."
-Oh, come on!
What is this?
-What is it
they're looking for?
-They forgot.
They don't even know.
-Could at least get some music,
or something.
Step on his hand.
Come on.
-Come on, God!
-This is a madhouse!
A madhouse!
-I never knew Mountain Time
was so slow.
-Stay with me, baby.
-Come on,
"Stay with me, baby."
Is that all
you can say?
-Kill them all!
Kill them, please!
-Come on, Hey, you guys.
Calm down. Hey.
it's only a movie.
We can handle it, okay?
-Okay. I guess you're right.
-Who are you?
Where are we?
Can we get a frame of reference,or something?
Please!
-Joel, chill.
Chill, Joel, come on.
-Oh.
-It's okay.
It's only
rock climbing.
-Would someone please
tell the director
about compressing time
through editing?
-[Singing]
♪ Dun da dun da
Oh, sorry.
♪♪
-Oh, finally.
-Tense music.
♪♪
Come on, baby.
-Hmm, should I play out
this plot point?
Oh, what the hell.
Forget Sid Field.
-Yeah.
-Got to try and keep
padding out the film.
Got to pad the film.
♪♪
-Yes!
Oh, yes, my spirit is snoring!
♪♪
-That's a
new sensation.
-Yeah, that looks different,
new set.
♪♪
-Got a match?
-Yeah, mud-butt,
your face.
[All laughing mockingly]
♪♪
-Oh, geez, this guy's gonna
bring the film
to a screeching halt now.
-Rostov!
Rostov!
-Nolan, it's Briggs!
Nolan, it's Briggs!
-Why would they do that,
do that?
That's really mean, mean,.
-This film sucks, sucks.
-You must die, my friend, to
make the film more interesting.
-I'll never go of you.
I will never,
ever let you fall or...
Oh, well.
-I'm alright.
I'm okay.
-I've plummeted to my death,
and I can't get up!
Dang, he has my keys.
-Hmm.
-Hey, what happened, Gramps?
You lose something?
-Yes, but the light is so much
better over here.
-So, what are they
waiting for?
-The impact.
-Oh.
-How did it happen?
-I'm not sure.
I think it was his heart.
-He died of a broken heart?
-Why didn't you yell?
-There wasn't time.
-I'm not a
demonstrative person.
-It was unexpected.
I tried to hold him,
but I didn't have the strength.
-I've got no more
love to give.
-Another one of
your unpredictables?
-Oh, I see.
I'm the jerk.
Everyone dump on me.
-Ja.
-Can't you see I'm hurting?
Fade to black. I hurt.
-Well, that's over.
Let's go.
-No!
-No more rock climbing!
-Get your paws off that
mountain, you damn dirty ape!
-Why?
-Can we go out, and get
a pizza or something?
-Just live with the hurt,
you guys.
Tough it out.
Get stronger.
-Seashells?
How in the world...
-Used to be a lake.
-Oh.
-It's a dead end.
-Alright.
Let's go back, everybody.
-No, no, no!
-Hey, a whole other mountain --
and twice as big as this one!
-Oh, no, no, no!
-No!
-That's the only way up.
Think you can make that?
-Oh, I don't know.
I'd have to heat my core
to 13,000 degrees,
get involved in plate
tectonics, and --
-Not the mountain, you idiot.
-Oh. We could jump.
-You better.
It's a long way down.
-Eh, it'd be quicker
than the way up.
-Throw it over to me.
-Noonan.
-Noonan.
-Noonan, Noonan.
-Miss, miss!
-Noonan, Noonan!
-Geez, you're like a gazelle,
Cesar.
♪♪
-Now, throw me the whip!
Throw me the idol.
-Who is this,
Robert Mapplethorpe again?
♪♪
Whoa!
-Look, if you want to bein the club, you got to jump it.
-Don't trip.
Oh!
-Oh!
-Hold me.
Dear God, hold me.
♪♪
-Olly in free!
-Hey, you guys!
Hey, you guys!
There's a dead end over there!
-Olly in free!
-You got to make this jump!
-Or you're not in the club!
-Not in the club.
♪♪
-Well, this should thin
the cast a bit,
and leave more lines
for us.
-Yep.
-We're swinging into
high now, Bill.
♪♪
-They're on top
of Old Smokey.
-You know,
this secondhand smoke is --
is just as unhealthy.
♪♪
-Hey, guys.
Watch this.
I saw this on
"Mannix" once.
-Don't trip!
-[Vocalizes]
-Thank you.
-Don't trip!
-Oh!
-Whoa.
-The Russian judge
gives him a 3.5.
♪♪
-Throw me the whip.
-Hey, guys.
Watch this.
I saw it on
"Mannix" once.
-[Vocalizes]
-Noonan.
-Noonan.
-Noonan!
-Noonan!
-Noonan!
Ah, ooh, we got -- Oh.
-Don't grab him
by the butt again.
-Oh, there he goes.
♪♪
You know,
even rock climbing movies
don't have this much
rock climbing.
♪♪
-Oh, Joel.
Kick his hand.
Step on him.
-I saw this on
"Mannix" once.
We produce
the best athletes.
-We'll hit the top!
-Broadway!
-You mean the very top?
Where? Where?
-Oh, we got time to kill.
Let's take a break.
-Hmm, Doug McClure.
What?
-Oh, this is great.
This is typically great.
There's an elevator
right here!
We could have rode up!
-Hey, guys!
There's another
mountain up here!
-No!
-Oh, just kidding.
Just kidding.
-Hey, this isn't so great.20 minutes of climbing for this?
-Can we see
what it is, please?
-Wow.
Would you guys look at all
this really cool stuff?
-Ooh.
-Now how high is up.
-They really got
something going, here.
It's too bad
they won't show us.
-Look at that.
-What's the matter?
-Oh!
-Look.
-Oh, wow, cool stuff.
Well, let's get back
down the mountain.
-It's the
"Jungle Goddess" sets.
-Trees. Wow.
-I go colorblind.
-Well, if this movie were color,that would mean something.
-I'm gonna slice off
a piece of that action.
-Ooh, yeah.
♪♪
-Look, it's that girl
and the little kid again.
Oh, no, we just went back
down the other side!
D'oh!
-We're back at reel two!
Get word to
the projectionist!
Get on reel four, and get us
the hell out of here!
-Laundry everywhere.
-Wow.
-Notions, assorted sundry
toiletries everywhere.
-Well, men, let's bungle
in the jungle.
-I don't know.
I...
-I could make a full-length
movie out of it.
-...I'm almost
afraid to say.
-Not like any jungle
I've been in.
-Hmm.
-Or ever will be, Major.
You're looking at
a kind of world
that hasn't existed
for millions of years.
-Who are you, Camus?
-Sort of like a --
like a lost continent.
-Oh, you could call it
that, I guess.
-Hey, good name.
-Hmm.
-Here, out of a mountain
in the middle of the sky?
-Volcanic dust.
-Came out of my pant leg.
-It's almost as if time
forgot this place.
-Everything indicates a
throwback to prehistoric times.
Look at that foliage.
-You look at it. I'm bitter.
-It would take tremendous
internal pressures
causing such
steaming pools --
-I told you
it was the Cobb salad.
-...to have continuous
activity at such altitude.
-Must be terrific,
as powerful
as a stockpile
of hydrogen bombs.
-Or a stockpile
of stock footage.
-Yeah, but it
doesn't make sense.
The air is thin, sure,
but you can breathe
without your lungs
screaming for help.
-We're screaming for help.
-We're miles above sea level.
-It's all the plants, Major --
practically pure oxygen.
-But look at this haze.
-"Purple Haze."
-Somebody got lonesome
for some soft light,
and put a green bulb
in the sun.
-Yeah, like in a nightclub --
only they forgot to bring
in the dames, huh?
-Thank you, Morty Gunty.
-You know what the atom bomb
did to the atmosphere, Major?
Those same forces
could exist here.
-I think his accent has
gotten thinner with the air.
-If we find that rocket,
it may have us someday
all living back
in a world like this one.
-I'll worry about that
when the time comes.
-God knows we've got tons
of that lying around.
-Hey, Phillips,
take a fix.
See if you pick up a reading
on the rocket somewhere.
-Oh, the rocket.
Thank you.
I forgot what
we were doing.
-Yeah.
-Yes, sir.
-And that was
when I was 14.
Now, later that summer, I...
-...something, Joe.
What's eating you?
-Chili peppers.
They burn my gut.
-You're wide awake.
What is it?
Trouble in this little
dream world?
-Maybe.
-Maybe not.
-Stan, what do you think
of Rostov?
-I like him.
He's neat.
-Rostov?
-I can light his cigarette
maybe if I had a...
-He's a cold fish.
You know those
big brains.
-No, can't say as I do.
-Oh, I see.
You think that he --
-I don't think
anything yet.
-Well, we know that.
-I never did buy that guy,
even before we took off.
-Well, the producer did.
-Why?
-Do we know anything
about the rocket, really?
No.
Only three guys know
what makes it work...
-And none of them
are in this film.
-...Rostov, Phillips,
and Briggs.
-What about Hungerdunger?
-Oh, you left him out.
And he's the most
important one, too.
-Anything happens to Phillips,
that just leaves Rostov.
He could sell us
any bill of goods.
Maybe he didn't want
that rocket to turn back.
-Hmm.
Rough.
-See what you make of this?
-Oh. Earmuffs, I guess.
-Hey, Major.
We picked something up.
-Well, let's hope it's a virus,
and it kills them all.
-That's it, Phillips.
-What's the rundown?
-Definite signs
of radioactivity.
-Hmm.
-It's much too powerful to be
coming from the unit
in the rocket.
-It's from there
somewhere.
-We may have hit something
important, Major...
-Like the plot?
-...uranium.
-Please say it's the plot.
I hope it's the plot.
-Why the plane
went out of control
when we flew
toward the island.
-Why domestic comedies
are so successful.
-We must have entered
a field of radiation,
and when we dropped
below the mountain,
we passed out of it.
It lost its effect.
-Why couldn't you have told us
this 20 minutes ago, you?
-My watch stopped again.
Does that stuff act
like a magnet?
-That stuff is the most
mysterious element in nature...
-Love?
-...the most dangerous...
-It's potent.
-...the most unstable,
the most valuable.
-Yeah, babies cry for it.
-Huh?
-Huh?
-Our job concerns finding
the rocket, not...
-I think he lost you, Cesar.
-...prospecting for uranium.
-Keep my uranium
out of this.
-...it was inevitably drawn
to these fields.
-If it ran out of fuel.
-Don't ever say that.
-Simmer down, Joe.
-So?
I'll apologize
if I'm wrong.
Alright.
It's the only lead we have.
Let's follow it.
-That square bugs me!
He really bugs me!
-Rules of the road, boys --
See anything, shoot to kill.
I mean, don't shoot it
if it's gonna
advance the plot, though.
-Saigon.
I can't believe
I'm in Saigon.
-Did you get him, Sergeant?
-Oh, please let him
get malaria, please.
-...for 4 hours
like I was something sent up
from room service.
-Ba-dum, tiss.
-This movie makes "Shoah"
look like a two-reeler.
-Easily.
-Pick up any late news flashes
from the home front, Doc?
-Huh?
-How is everybody
at the Pentagon? Happy?
-What'd you say?
-Oh, nothing.
I just wondered if...
-I just thought I'd sneak
a few lines in.
Forget it.
-Tatlow still had the jitters.
-Oh, well, from its activity,we're moving into a hotter zone.
-Well, at least
we won't freeze tonight.
-You coming on to me?
-And there on the handle
was a --
-If that rocket is near
the uranium fields,
we're getting
pretty close.
I show a concentration
of almost 20,000 MRs.
-MRs, is that like
a handful of yours?
-MRs? How about
a short translation
for the common man, Doc?
-Go scratch,
is that short enough?
-Milli who?
-It's like taking
your temperature, Sergeant.
-Yeah, now bend over.
-Only this shows how hot a zone
is with radioactivity.
-How dangerous is the area?
-Don't worry, Major.
We're safe enough.
But if the uranium
in those fields were refined,
we'd have been dead
hours ago.
-The Japanese would've owned
all this anyway.
-Raise your flaps.
That rocket won't find us.
-You've been sarcastic
this whole film.
Is something wrong?
-I joined the Air Force.
-Oh, fun.
-Yeah.
-Ah, let's take
a 15 minute break.
-Oh, but keep
the camera running.
-Take 15.
-Ah, ah, ah.
-Take out the rations,
Sergeant.
-Yes, sir.
-How ungrateful, these guys.
-Ah, tortellini
with pesto sauce.
-I've got radicchio.
-I've got haggis.
-This sauce is delicious.
It's so light.
Something tastes like cilantro,
only milder.
My compliments
to Dinty Moore.
-Mm-hmm.
-This is so good.
I've got to go tell someone.
♪♪
Hey!
Who booted over here?
-We've got company.
-Alright.
Clean this place up.
We've got company.
-Yuck.
Ew.
Carrots and stuff.
-These tracks are fresh.
-Mountain cows,
nothing scarier.
-It's fine that they're fresh,
but do they fit?
-Nothing human
I ever saw.
Not even my top sergeant
had feet that big.
-I've seen tracks
like these before.
-Yeah? Where?
-Larry Mondello.
-In a museum.
-Turd Museum in Citrusville.
-They're Brontosaurus tracks.
-Rode one. Almost bucked me off,but I dug in.
-Good for you.
-Hard to believe,
isn't it, Major?
-My calendar says 20th century
AD, not 100 million BC.
-Yeah, but you've got
a Chippendale calendar.
-I appreciate your feelings,
Major,
but you can't change
what we've just seen.
-I know. I know.
-Tell the others
to get our patch.
We've got to move.
-Can I finish my yogurt?
It's really delicious.
-Now, now, this is where
they shot "Mad Monster,"
and a little ways
down here,
you'll see where they did
"Jungle Goddess."
There's "Rocketship X-M,"
filmed right here, too.
-I'll make another check,
if you'd like.
-Oh, that'll take
10 minutes!
-Oh!
-Would you put that thing
down, please?
-Alright, on course.
-Good.
-Yeah.
You sure that thing
really works, Hugh?
-Hey, Doc.
More bronto --
Hey, more tracks.
[Indistinct talking]
-Hey, Doc, think there's
some other way to get
to those uranium fields, eh?
-There may be.
-Well, yeah, we could
of have an edit
about 25 minutes ago.
-I'm going to follow
the needle.
-Okay.
-Ye, lady, whoa.
-So I'll just stay here, right,
with the thing and the car?
-Hey, Doc.
-Huh?
-I think I'll stick with
the needle, too, huh?
-Oh, Sid and Nancy
are coming.
-Hey, I saw a werewolf drinking
a piña colada at Trader Vic's,
and his hair was perfect.
-Here, plot.
[All whistling]
Plot!
Here, plot.
Story line!
Anywhere.
-Hey, Brontosaurus!
-Where?
-Heh-hey!
-Alright!
Whoo!
-Brontosaurus.
-I have been waiting
for the last 50 minutes,
but I've got to go.
They tell me I cost
over $1,000 a minute.
I'll have to
see you later.
Now, a word from
Hunt-Wesson.
-He brought Stravinsky
with him.
-It's magnificent!
-I ditched a hot babe for this?
-Turns out I'm a herbivore.
These guys got nothing
to worry about.
I'm really just
a red herring.
Please enjoy the film.
And now,
a word from Jays Potato Chips.
You'll enjoy it.
-Get into camera.
-Camera?
Ah, canaps, hors divors.
Don't mind if I do.
-Run away!
-Brontosaurus in Africa?
-Shh!
-I win.
-Oh, get up, you.
-Climb up the tree!
-Yeah, climb up
to mouth level real quick.
Shoot, Hugh.
-Ah, my favorite --
scientist on a stick.
I like it when there's a salad
bar with a little meat on it.
♪♪
-Oh!
Oh, that stings.
Knock it off, will you?
-Trying to knock it off.
♪♪
-I see a dinosaur,
but I hear an elephant.
Hmm.
-Shoot me, will you,
smart boy?
I'm not gonna forget this.
You can bet.
-Get him out of here!
-He's gonna look good
over the fireplace.
-Big one.
-Let's get out of here!
-One more.
There you go.
-Now, throw the gun.
-Oh. 15 minute --
No, that was pretty intense.
Let's go for 20 minutes.
-Let's go up on that rock.
-More rocks?
-Oh, no.
-No!
-Not more rocks.
-Oh.
There they are, too.
-Oh!
-Even the small ones are gonna
take a lot of time, guys.
-Ah.
-Oh.
-Sorry I had to
tie you guys up,
but you were letting
the film get away.
-Just keep your knob on
all in one piece, baby.
I may be needing you yet.
-Still talking to crap,
huh, monkey boy?
-Hmm.
-Too bad I couldn't
have gotten...
-Throw that thing over
the side, please.
-Pictures?
-Pictures?
-You're lucky
you weren't killed.
-That's the thing --
I was killed.
We're all in hell now.
-How do you account
for all this, Doc?
-Ah, it's just the way
Lippert works.
He's kind of a kook.
-You can't explain it.
It's an impossibility.
Yet, here we are,
right in the middle of it.
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
-That's where
I always wind up.
-Stuck in the middle
with you.
-That animal we saw this
afternoon hasn't existed
for millions
and millions of years.
-But it almost chomped
your butt, Hugh.
-It disappeared before man
was ever heard of.
-What's the matter with it?
-Shut up, you two,
and don't spill
the beans.
We've got a good 20 minutes
left to fill.
-You know what a miracle is,
Lieutenant?
-The words "The End"?
-Amen.
-Can you explain it?
-No.
-I can't explain what happened
this afternoon, either.
-Candy.
-Well, thanks for straightening
the whole thing out, Doc.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
And what a relief.
Ah, goodnight.
-Geez, just close me out.
-I'll call you
when it's your watch.
-A watch, for 50 years
of movie service?
[Unidentified noise]
-Oh, very impressive.
-Sorry.
-Strange and rather
frightening out there.
-And strange.
-Take any of those rocks...
-Please.
-...harness
its stored-up energy...
-Mm-hmm.
-...convert it into
power plants...
-Mm-hmm.
-...we could build
a whole new world.
-Oh, somebody's
got a secret agenda.
-It'll destroy the
one we've got.
-Ironic, but here we are,
sleeping on top of
the richest uranium field
known to man.
-Yeah, it's not like
your futon back home.
-It's not a real cozy feeling.
-One day,
I'll be able to tell this to my
three-headed grandchildren.
-You are a cynical,
suspicious man,
aren't you, Nolan?
-No. I'm not.
Who told you that?
-Maybe.
-Maybe not, dickweed.
-No.
-Oh, baby.
-No, Danny, Danny,
not the clown suit, Danny. No!
-...dream you.
And your shape...
perfect.
-I don't feel like
I should be watching this.
-Everything about you.
-Me, neither.
-Hey, where is that copy
of "Aviation Weekly"?
-Turn to the Cessna.
Whoo!
-There's just one thing
about you, baby.
-Well, what's that?
-Baby, if you just --
if you could just have
propellers
instead of jets.
-Wah-wah-wah-wah.
-I feel so dirty
after that. Eesh!
-Football practice!
-Now, I'm on a mountain
with a dinosaur.
Hey, does this movie have
a continental breakfast?
-Ah, n -- no, they lost
the continental breakfast.
Oh, this was also called
"Cesar Romero's
Night of the Living Dead."
-Danny, Rostov and Phillips,
they're gone.
-Huh?
-Ah, they went to Perkins
without us.
-Hey, you were on guard.
Why didn't you watch them?
-You know how unstable I am.
-Rostov and Phillips,
they're gone.
-I did. I never closed
my eyes all night.
-Maybe your hunch is right.
-I knew it.
-Everyone, Ronnie, Biff,
get all the Teen Titans.
Let's move like
we've never moved before!
-When stools
ruled the world.
-Got to find where that music
is coming from!
♪♪
-Huh. I wonder,
if we go around here,
we'll end up on the other side
of the same thing.
It's kind of funny
over here.
-Ooh, what he stepped in.
-It came out of a dinosaur,
I'm sure.
-Who brought the string bass?
-It's a contrabassoon, sir.
-Shut up, maggot!
-Hey, look,
the cast of "Star Trek."
Help me, Kirk.
Help me, Spock.
-Hey, cool it.
I see something interesting.
-Shoot them.
-They're loving.
-I'm repulsed.
♪♪
-Some rouge here,
add a little foundation.
You look just -- Huh?
-What are you doing?
-Oh, I'm just applying
some makeup.
-His foot became lodged
in the rocks.
I wasn't able to free him
by myself.
-So, I chewed his leg off.
-Keep your voices down.
Look.
-Hi. I'm Skippy.
Don't be afraid of me,
or anything.
-Hanging around for hours, eversince I discovered Dr. Phillips.
-He's only reading
the magazines.
I don't think he's gonna
buy anything.
-Mmm, nummy, nummy,
nummy, nummy, nummy.
-Come on.
I just want to talk.
Come back.
-Well, it's not good.
Noise will only attract them.
We'll have to
sweat it out.
-Get up, Steve.
Come on.
Get to work,
you pansy.
-He must be dreaming
about a plane.
-No, June!
Not the clown suit.
-Go ahead and yell.
It'll do you good.
You got us
trapped into this.
Now, go ahead,
and yell loud.
-No!
-He was being sarcastic.
-What's a few more lives,you crazy, stupid uranium happy?
-Hey, don't talk to
my friends that way.
-Shoot for the eyes.
♪♪
-Where have you been?
I've been looking
for you all day.
♪♪
-It's the mother-loving
rubber dinosaur of them all!
-You go around back.
I'll take the front.
Yeah.
-I am not an animal!
I am a rubber model!
-I wonder how he keeps his hair
back like that.
He kind of looks like
Patti LaBelle.
-You and me going around
and around, model a model.
-Hurts, don't it?
Here is your mail.
Oops.
Forgot to stamp it.
-Sergeant, keep your eye
on him.
-Start plotting
those spitballs.
-Yeah.
-Gee, Dad,
why'd you have to go out
and get a
greenstick fracture?
-I'm eating you up now.
How's the farm?
Here's a couple
more acres.
-Got him.
-Just as dinosaurs
must protect their young,
so must you invest
in Mutual of Omaha.
-Look, Danny.
Get them out.
-Yes, sir.
♪♪
-Eat it, boy.
Eat it.
-Oh. Ow.
You got my braces.
Ow, owie.
♪♪
-They're gone.
We can quit now.
Let's go.
-Say, "Uncle."
-Dinah Shore.
-Aw, but this is
the coolest part.
♪♪
-Help me!
I'm about to fall.
You've got to help me.
I'm pulling my arm
out of the socket.
Don't grab my butt.
Ah!
-Hey, Joel, come over here,
and look at this.
-Yeah, this is really cool.
-Hey, Cambot.
Follow me over there.
Wow.
That thing's super neat.
-Oh, just a wait a minute.
Wait.
It's coming around.
There!
-Whoa!
-Yeah!
-Oh, boy. Oh, boy.I think that's the coolest part.
-Well, the other side
was really cool, too.
Yeah. It sure was. Ooh.
-Wow, those little
dangly things at the top
are the coolest.
-I don't know.
I don't know. I think...
Come on.
Look at the top half, there.
-Hmm?
-Top half, near the sides.
That's the coolest part.
-I don't see it.
-Well, maybe. I don't know.
Hey, wouldn't two of them
be even cooler?
-No way. Unh-uh.
-But 18 of them -- whoa, wow.
-That would be
really cool.
-That would be great.
-Boy, oh boy, yeah.
Hey, guys, look at that!
-What?
-Wait for it
to come around.
Now!
-Oh, man.
That's so cool.
Unbelievable.
Oh, that one knows it's cool.
It's not that cool anymore.
Let's get out of here.
-Yeah, I'm coming down now.
It was pretty cool while
it lasted, though, wasn't it?
-I still think
it's pretty cool.
You know, it's not as cool
as before, but...
Hey, guys. Hey!
Hey, guys, look!
-What? What? What?
What? What?
-Oh, wow!
-Oh, cool.
-Baby, that's the coolest.
-Yeah.
-Hey, Joel. It's cool and all,
but what is it?
-Uh, it's a...
-Well, at least
we know it's cool.
-Hey, do you know
what it is?
-If you think you do,
send your description,
drawing,
orthographic projection,
or expensive working model
to "Cool Thing,"
care of MST3000
Information Club,
post office box 5325,
Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343.
-What do you think, sirs?
Pretty cool, huh?
-I don't think it's cool.
I think it's subterfuge.
I think you're just
trying to hide the fact
that we're winning,
and you're losing.
Put the movie back in, Frank.
-It's so simple.
It's so beautiful, in a way.
There's a kind of arcane beauty,you know?
-We need to talk.
Go away.
-Meanwhile, in a less
interesting part of the film.
-Man, was that
ever action-packed.
We'd better take
a 15-minute break.
♪♪
-Do all you scientists loseyour marbles every now and then?
-I never lose my marbles.
I'm a scientist.
-I'm sorry to have caused you
so much trouble, Lieutenant.
I woke up a little earlier than
the rest of you this morning.
It seemed a swell chance
to grab some pictures.
-I'm a morning person.
What can I say?
-I'm lucky Mike
followed me.
-You think I would let you
get yourself killed
in a prehistoric jungle?
We've been friends
too long.
-I love you, damn it.
-Well, the, uh...
The leg is feeling better.
Come on.
Let's keep walking, huh?
-My God, he's cheerful.
It's hard to
get mad at him.
-Mm-hmm.
-Bonk!
Oh, my head.
Bonk!
Oh, my head.
Bonk!
Oh, my head.
-Oh, check it out, graffiti
from the Donner Party.
-Candy cigarette?
They are toasted.
-Thanks.
-I think.
-Not disturbed because
it's still BC instead of AD?
-No, because I'm AC,
and you're DC.
-CD?
-Sí.
-ASAP.
-It's smoother.
I'm energized.
-I also said if I was wrong,
I'd apologize.
-That's not necessary.
-Okay. Enough of that, then.
-Don't ask me why,
but at the beginning
I had you figured
for playing on the wrong team.
-Hmm.
-I know.
I'm a Russian.
-I thought you were German.
-Almost my whole life
has been a witch hunt,
one way or another.
-Did you ever get a wedgie
in grade school?
-First, it was Hitler and one
of his concentration camps.
-Hitler, what a jerk.
-Then, my wife and unborn child
died in another
with Russian-made
barbed wire.
It doesn't change
that much.
-A lot of guys are finding
that out every day.
-All respect for my country
lies dead in those camps.
-I guess I should
like you now.
-I hope to go back
and resurrect it someday.
-Mm-hmm.
-Hmm.
-No country can survive
when it loses the respect
of its own people,
or of the world.
-Oh, hasn't stopped
the old US of A.
-You'll go back, Mike,
the way you want to go back.
-My God,
your hat smells good.
-...fighting for same thing,
even if...
-Oh. Line!
-...heaven forbid it meanspushing buttons on more rockets,
like the one
out there somewhere.
-Blowing up the world.
-Heaven forbid, Joe.
-What did you call me?
-Let's go home.
-Hugh, take that Walkman off.
You're closing out the world.
-...coming up the mountain,
being forced through the Earth
at tremendous pressures.
-I know what that is.
-Too much pressure
with no safety valve...
-That's colitis, alright.
-...if they should ever react
with the uranium fields.
-Like the 4th of July.
-Or the end of the world.
-Well, that's it.
-That's what?
-All out of batteries.
-It's the end of the road.
The geiger can't
take us any further.
-He means that we are
right in the middle
of the uranium deposits,
and they seem to...
-I know what it means.
Shut up!
-Then, how do we
find the rocket?
-I wish I knew.
It could be anyplace.
-You mean we could wander
around up here for weeks?
Come on.Let's get out of this graveyard.
-Yeah.
-Let's blow.
I hate this place.
-Yeah, I agree.
-Oh, and here
we are again.
Look, even Cesar
is sick of it by now.
-I don't know how long
these guys will hold out.
They've got pleats
in their pants.
-What's eating you?
-Making this movie is probably
the worst 3 days of my life,
that's what.
-You know what chances we have.
We're beating our brains outfor something we may never find.
We don't even know
where to look now.
If the rocket is up here,
it'll rot
before anybody
can get to it.
-You bored?
-Yes, I'm bored.
Let's do something.
-Yeah, I'm bored.
We're down to our last
few rounds of ammo.
Worried? No.
-Scared? A little.
-Aroused?
You bet.
-If you see any more of those
fugitives from the zoo,
I'll just walk up to them,
and kill them with spit.
-Oh, it just might work.
You haven't brushed
since we got here.
-Hey, this is fun, huh?
I'm having fun.
How about you guys?
Yeah.
-You speaking for yourself,
Danny, or for them?
-Maybe I'm saying what
they don't want to say.
-What are you saying?
I don't understand any of this.
-The lieutenant
seems to think
you've got something
on your minds.
-Water on the brain.
-I'll give you a chance
to unburden yourselves.
-Well, I was forced to wear
a clown suit
as a youngster and, uh...
-You have nothing to say?
Well, I have.
We're low on food.
We're low on water.
And we're low on ammunition.
-All we got are those little
silver balls
that go on tops of cakes.
-But I got news for you.
I walk around with my guts
twisted up same as you.
-Well, take some Maalox.
-I want to clear out of here
the same as you.
I didn't ask to be trapped
in this rat race,
but as long as I'm here,
I'll try and finish.
-Same as you.
-Mm-hmm.
-Anybody who wants to
can knock it off now.
[Applause]
-I'm better, Major.
-Creep.
-Well, don't just
stand there, Major.
We got a rocket to find.
-Jerk.
-Baby, you ain't
getting any lighter.
-Wiener.
-So, I'll spit
in their eyes.
-Just a little spittle,
idiot.
-Everybody's got a line
but me.
-Uh, line anybody? Anybody?
-So, here we are again.
-Oh, no.
-Yep.
Ah, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
-Yep.
-Aye, aye, aye.
-Well, uh, this is where
we slept last night.
I remember this.
♪♪
[Trumpeting]
-Hey, it's a
trumpeter swan.
No. I'm Batman.
-Winged freak, huh?Wait till they get a load of me.
-Hey! I want to have a piece
of that big buzzard.
It would make
good eating.
-Hey, shouldn't he be
on the "Pee-wee" set?
-Hey!
-Hey, somebody shot Pterri!
-Nice shot!
Oh!
-I think it fell
right around here.
-Where is it, boy?
Soft mouth it.
-Hmm, we'll get some sage
stuffing and some cranberries.
-Hey, look!
-Huh?
-Hey, there it is.
-Oh, with a mad passion,
I love you.
-Let's get to it.
-He likes all those things.
-Mm-hmm.
-Uh, you won't be happy
when you find out
what you're leaning in.
-Take it easy, why don't you,
you big slob?
-Hey.
-Get away from that.
-Hey, who are you talking --
Oh, you're talking
to the dinosaur.
-Hmm, brain the size
of a walnut.
-Dinosaurs?
-No, the director.
-Ah.
-They should drop dead.
-They should've
a few million years ago.
-Well, we can't wait for them
to become extinct.
-Hey, Rostov.
How much time will you needto get the unit out of the rock?
-Well, that's kind
of personal.
-Depends on how much damage
we find.
Ordinarily, 10,
maybe 15 minutes might do it.
-Another 5 to get the data off
the lab recording instruments.
-Can you knock off the whole
works in half an hour?
-Should give us
plenty of time.
-Okay, 15-minute break,
everybody.
-I think I've hit an angle
to get rid of him.
It's gonna be rough,
but it might work.
Danny, you and Willy
circle the animals.
Get in back of the rocks and
boulders, and start shooting.
It might bait them
away from the rocket
long enough for Rostov
and Phillips to move in.
-Now, get this.
-We're gonna shoot
the works on this.
If we don't do it
the first time,
we've had it.
-Right.
-Hope you've got
plenty of spit.
-Yeah.
-If I run out...
[All hocking spit]
-So, I'll meet you guys
at the rocket.
What the hell
is he doing?
-I'll make a sling
with my underwear.
-Hey, what did
he call me?
-Now.
[Gunfire]
-Hit a lot of pheasants
that way.
-Let's get out
of here, Scooby!
-Here, take this.
It's chafing me like a bear.
-Take it in a little.
Quick, get the can opener.
Oh, yeah.
♪♪
-Psh, Fisher!
-Hey, kegger at the rocket.
-Whoo!
-Alright.
We'll party down.
-Hey.
-Oh.
-It's really deep!
-Watch out for
that last step.
It's a doozy!
-I'll just stand here, tall and
proud, keeping America --
well, South America, LatinAmerica, uh, safe for democracy.
-Looking good, boss.
You're really looking
tall and proud.
-Wow, there's tons of
cool stuff down there.
-Hey.
-Hey, we found
a party ball.
-Whoo!
-Alright!
-Ah, finally, my light brown
pumps from Bloomingdale's.
-Hmm, let me take
a look at this.
-Strap those on, and parade
around singing show tunes.
-They're fabulous!
-Mm-hmm.
-Do them.
Just do them.
-"You will die at the hands
of a Triceratops," huh?
-Maximum thrust
registered 9.5.
-And I designed the controls
for 2.5.
A team of those animals
out there
couldn't have turned it back.
-What does that mean?
-It means a team of
those animals out there...
-Imminently, Major.
Now that we have these, we know
how to design the next one.
No more unpredictables.
-Hey, remember when you tookthat pot shot at me, monkey boy?
Payback time.
-Well, everything
is going good.
-Willy!
-I feel like
a little Italian.
-Joe!
-My little pizza roll.
♪♪
-Tell the plane
I love her!
-Hey, cut it out.
I'm eating.
-Hey, come on.
Ow. Bunch of jerks.
-Take it slow and easy
on the way down.
-That was a short
mourning period.
-Yeah.
-I don't want to leave anymore.
-What about their friend?
-Oh, no, guys.
Now it's the trip down.
-No!
-No!
-I can't take it.
I can't take it.
Oh, oh, oh.
-I remember when
I pulled monkey boy
up onto the cliff, here.
-You know, this is going
a lot faster, though.
-On the way down?
It usually does.
Okay, carefully.
-Mm-hmm.
-Now, watch your
step, there.
Now, want to be real careful
on the way down.
Don't want to break an ankle,
or cause some kind of -- Ow!
Oh, that hurt.
♪♪
-Please don't
spare us anything.
Let's watch Hugh
go through it, too --
-Whoa!
-...slow as possible.
-That wasn't very smart.
-Give him a hand.
-Hung up, there.-
-I'll help you down, there.
I'm not always
gonna be here.
-Don't grab his butt, Joel.
-You know, guys,
if you ask me,
I think they just reversed
the film, here.
Yep, going backwards, here.
Hm.
-Twinkie wrappers.
We were here before.
-Yep.
-I'm gonna ask this
once again,
and it's only for the sake
of conversation,
but what do you think is thetastiest part of the human body?
Hands?
-How's the leg
holding on?
-Nose?
-I'll make it.
-You, Mike?
-Let's see, one, two --
hey, there's a lot less
of us.
No wonder it's going so well.
-Yeah, he'd probably say...
-Ah!
-Hey, it's gonna rain.
It'll be cold
without an umbrella.
How do you like that?
-Oh, thank you, Joey Bishop.
-Uh-oh.
-We'll have to
move fast.
The whole mountain
is blowing up under us.
-Yep. The model doesn't look
too good, either.
-Where are they, again?
-They're on top of that pile
of mashed potatoes.
-The souffle is falling.
Well, grab a rock,
and just ride it down!
-Whoa!
Oh! Oh!
This is
getting serious!
It's so real!
Oh, that's bad.
-Well, I'd say the dinosaurs
are rocking down.
-Whoa-ho!
Whoo!
-Sorry, what?
-Uh, the --the --
the dinosaurs
are rocking down.
Yep.
Oh, watch out.
-Oh!
Whoa!
That was close.
-Ooh!
-Ah!
-That was his ear.
Oh!
-Owie.
-That had to sting.
-Whoa, sorry.
-Hey, careful there.
-Whoa!
-Carefully.
-Oh!
-Hey, you kids,
stop jumping around
up there!
Eddie, Lumpy,
knock it off!
-Come on!
-It's nice when
there's no stones.
-Yeah, I liked it better --
-Whoa!
-They've come to bury Cesar,
not to praise him.
-Oh, boy.
-Ah!
"Rock the Casbah."
-Uh-huh.
Doesn't bug me anymore.
-No.
-I'm unaffected.
-That wasn't so bad.
Let's get the hell
out of here!
-Ah, ah, ah!
-You know, fellas, it doesn't
get any better than this.
We've got to do this
again sometime.
-Guys. Guys, you're okay.
It's only the camera
that's shaking.
Come on.
-I got to get the girls
together, and do this sometime.
-Yep.
-Yeah.
Well, let's take
a 15-minute break.
Uh, just kidding.
-How is that those rocks
keep missing them?
It's, like, incredible.
-I don't know.
-It's like the Book
of Revelations, but nothing --
nothing touches.
-Must have been filmed in
Katharine Hepburn vision.
-[Laughs]
-Uh-oh.
Mm-hmm.
-Think you can
jump that, Cesar?
-This is the wrong time of year
to visit San Francisco.
-Looks like
Shake-A-Pudding.
-Just shaking
the bushes, Boss.
[Wind howls]
-Whoa. Whoa!
-Oh, how fortunate.
This will simplify everything.
-Throw me the whip.
I'll throw you the idol.
Come on.
-I can't throw you the whip.
It's -- Uh, never mind.
-No, I can't be there for you
every time, dummy.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
This is the last time.
Now, quit horsing around.
-Get over here,
you lovable old dork.
-Gilligan!
-Little Buddy!
-Well, they all must be
out in the lagoon.
Whoa!
Look at that.
-Whoo!
-Whoa.
-Oh, I bet the Professor
rigged that, huh?
-Yep.
Oh.
-Maybe we can hide
in that shelter, there.
-Well, it's kind of like
helter shelter right now.
-Oh, yeah.
-Hey, didn't they come
by plane?
-Yep.
-Frame is steel boat, huh?
-I'm telling you, guys,
property values are great here.
It's a buyer's market.
-Yep.
-You're right.
Look at this duplex
you could get.
Well, it's going fast.
-Hey, their lean-to
just leaned fro.
-Mm-hmm.
It's the end of the world
as they know it,
and I feel fine.
[Indistinct singing]
-Certainly not Fentonville.
-Get away! The stock footage
is erupting!
-Midway, in Sensurround.
-Senseless.
-December 7th, 1941,
a day that will live in infamy.
♪♪
-There it goes.
It looks like Bikini Atoll.
-Ah, safe, out of danger.
-The world is coming to an end.
-Shark!
-Whoa!
-Shark!
-Rather this way than having
gone living with us.
-Well, smoke them
if you got them, boys.
-Let's go, guys.
-Let's go back.
-Let's take a movie break.
-What do you think they'll
call the sequel, guys?
-Uh, "Padding and Paddling"?
That was the 1951 classic
"Lost Continent."
Interestingly enough,
EP Robert Lippert
found that he could extend
the length of his film
by adding meaningless,
poorly contrived and blocked
walking sequences --or, in the case of today's film,
mind-numbingly excessive
mountain-climbing scenes.
He called the device
"padding."
And as you know,
padding has become
a staple of movies
ever since.
Now, this.
-Cesar Romero,
who many of you will recognize
from the "Batman" TV series
of the late '60s,
and who was thought to be a spy,was originally to play the role
that eventually went
to Hugh Beaumont.
Director Sam Newfield said,"Cesar just isn't bland enough."
We'll be right back.
-Uh, director Newfield,
a known Nazi spy,
cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac,
used to amuse the cast and crew
by doing terrible things
to his dog with a fork.
A -- Uh,
we'll be right back.
-Anyway, I think we got
a letter to read.
I'd like to thank the Mads for
faxing these color letters up.
Uh, let's put this
on the, uh --
On the still store there,
Cambot.
I'll read it.
This is from Robbie Harmon.
-Hi, Robbie.
-He says, "Dear Mr. Joel,
Crow, and Tom,
I am 10 years old.
I try to watch your show
all the time."
-Great.
-"Your show is the best.
I like the sound effects
and the jokes you say.
They make me laugh
so hard."
-Oh, good.
-"Sincerely, Robbie.
I drew your pictures."
That one kind of looks
like you're getting
kind of heavy, there, Crow.
-That's a chunky Crow there.
-Yeah, that's, uh,
me before SlimFast.
-Oh, right.
Anyway, uh, what do you think
of the experiment, sir?
-I think you guys should get
a special treat
just for making it
through that film.
-"I think you guys should get
a special little treat."
Frank, this is science,
not "Romper Room."
-Oh, okay.
In that case,
you are going to die.
-Frank, listen to me.
I think...
-I think...
-...we won.
-...we won.
-Push the button.
-Push the button.
-God opens a door.
He closes a window.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
-Well, thanks for straightening
the whole thing out, Doc.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
What a relief.
Well, goodnight.
future ♪
♪ Next Sunday A.D.
♪ There was a guy
named Joel ♪
♪ Not too different
from you or me ♪
♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute ♪
♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit ♪
♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place ♪
♪ But his bosses
didn't like him ♪
♪ So they shot him
into space ♪
♪ We'll send him
cheesy movies ♪
♪ The worst we can find
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪
♪ And we'll monitor his mind
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Now keep in mind
Joel can't control ♪
♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Because he used
those special parts ♪
♪ To make his
robot friends ♪
-Robot roll call
Cambot
-Pan left.
-Gypsy.
-Hi, girl.
-Tom Servo.
-What a cool guy.
Crow.
-What a wisecracker.
-♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪
♪ And other science facts
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Then repeat to yourself
"It's just a show." ♪
"I should really
just relax."
♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪
-Hey. Hey. Tiny, look at me whenI'm talking to you, alright?
-Now, like I was saying,
I think we can scout out
what the uberlords
have planned
for this week's movie
thanks to the, uh,
game film supplied courtesy of
Cambot over there.
[Indistinct talking]
-Hey, Superdestroyer, hey.
-Beat them.
-Buddy.
-Huh?
-I'll wait --
Wait for it, okay?
I'll say, "Beat them,"
and then you say, "Beat them,
beat them, beat them." Okay?
-Uh, okay, Coach.
-Alright.
Now, like I was saying,
we can have a pretty good idea
what their psychological offenseis gonna be.
-Uh-huh.
-Remember, last week,
they sent us that cheese-eater
of a biker film,
"Wild Rebels" --a definite win for our team, eh?
[Indistinct talking]
But hey, hey, hey.
But the week before that,
at our homecoming,
they sent us
"Rocket Attack U.S.A."
-Aw.
-Commercial sign in 15 seconds.
-Oh.
-"Oh" is right.
It was a standard-issue
bloodletting of our pop
and folk sensibilities.
We almost lost our star setter,
Gypsy.
[Indistinct talking]
-Oh, I love you guys.
-Commercial sign in five,
four, three, two...
-Beat them, beat them,
beat them,
beat them, beat them,
beat them.
[Chanting,
cheering indistinctly]
-No, Crow, you can't use
a man-to-man defense
on these type
of films.
It's strictly
got to be zone.
How are you gonna pick up the
extra man on the give and go,
and not end up
in the trophy case?
-Hey, Coach, if I really sky
under the boards tonight,
can I have some arms
that actually work?
-Listen, I --
I don't have time.
the mad scientists
are calling.
Why don't you talk to
the trainer or something?
-But, Joel, you're our trainer.
-Yeah.
-Just get out there,
you bunch of pantywaists!
Beat them!
Come on!
[Chanting "Beat them!"]
-Ah, good afternoon,
Bumpus.
It's a nice day for a
bloodletting, wouldn't you say?
Well, in regards
to today's movie,
I'm just going to say
"rock climbing."
-Rock climbing?
-Yes. Rock climbing.
But before our "sweet but not
too spicy delve into terror,"
spotlight invention
exchange on young Frank.
Oh, Frank?
-Thanks, boss.
You know, people love to use
stationary exercise treadmills,
uh, for their daily
exercise routine.
But when it gets nice outside,
what do we do? Dr. Forrester?
-Uh, we go to the lake, Frank?
-Exactly.
Oh, nice camera work, there,
Gerry and Sylvia.
We go to the lake.
We -- Back me up on this one,
people.
We go to the lake.
So, now,
when it's nice out,
and you want to go
outside and exercise,
you can take your stationary
exercise treadmill
with you,
like this.
What do you think, boss?
-Oh, couldn't you just walk,
Frank?
-I've also, uh, taken this, uh,
prototype for a stairs machine.
Now, this is really good.
You go from one landing
to the next
as you exercise
on the stairs.
It's really
quite unbelievable.
It's really something.
-Uh, nice -- nice work,
you two.
As for you, you big dumb kid,you just invented the staircase.
-Thank you. And hear me out
on this one.
What I've done is,
I've invented a rowing machine.
And what I've done is, I've put
a rowboat underneath it,
so you can actually go out
into the lake
as you exercise.
I mean, because we do that.
-Would you give me those?
-We do that.
We go to the lake.
-Lazy fool.
-Rock climbing. Rock climbing.
Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing, Gerry.
-Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing, Sylvia.
-In all the excitement,
I forgot.
Rocking climbing, yes.
-Rock climbing.
Well, before we get
to our film,
which is a steamy experiment
into the -- the bowels of...
-Clay, may I?
-You may.
-Thank you very much.
It's called
"Lost Continent,"
and I'm very excited about it
because it has
Cesar Romero,
Hugh Beaumont,
a giant lizard, the guy
from the "Danny Thomas Show,"
and, oh,
did I mention rock climbing?
-Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing, guys,
rock climbing.
-As for you, Joel,
I'm sorry we don't have time
for your invention this week.
Hate to spoil your soup.
Paste them, frank.
-You are all
going to die.
[Laughs]
-I absolutely refuse to go into
the theater against my will!
That's absolutely it!
Ow!
Ow!
I got movie sign
against my will!
[Chanting "Beat them!"]
-Those guys didn't let me do
my invention exchange.
-Look, the incredible
Mr. Lippert.
-Hey, Ladyface.
-Lippert the Lion,
hardy har har.
-"Lost Continent"?
I lost my keys once,
but that's ridiculous.
[Laughter]
-Hey, he must have had
a good agent.
His stones are
10 feet tall.
-Hillary. Chick.
Chick, John.
Hey, look, Acquanetta.
Snot is running down
her nose.
-Hugh Beaumont and Murray Alper
as the Beaver!
-Martin Landau's brother.
Hmm.
Forever Young's brother.
Oh, look, Dunlap,
the tire magnate.
-Oh, Jack Greenhalgh,
phlegm guy.
-He's in charge
of phlegm, yeah.
-Lee press on wood.
-And all the insignificant.
-Do not remove this tag
under penalty of law!
-Tom Productions?
Produced by Sigmund Neufeld
and directed by his brother,
Samuel Newfield.
They were in separate lines
on Ellis Island, you see.
-Hey, there's Carlos Castaneda,
looking for Don Juan.
Oh, no!
-No!
-Haven't we seen
this before?
-Yep.
-Oh, White Sands.
Isn't that where they get
all that stuff
for the hotel ashtrays?
-Yeah.
-Oh, look, it's a V-2.
-Aw, I could've had a V-8.
-Oh, seen it.
-Quit looking over
his shoulder.
He can't work that way.
-We're on our way!
-He's playing
Pong Solitaire.
-So, that's what Ward does
at the office.
-They're really into it.
-I'm into it, too.
I don't mind telling you.
-Huh.
-Don't forget me.
-What it's rate of climb,
Sergeant?
-2,000 feet, mein Fuhrer!
-1,000 feet a minute, sir.
-Phillips, give me a reading
on altitude and distance.
-Phillips, give me
a screwdriver.
-I'll have a rum and Tab.
-Sloe gin fizz for me.
-1,000 miles an hour.
It's 900 miles
since time of launching.
We'll be losing it
in a couple of minutes.
-I know that.
-She's right on course.
-Hello, Nobel.
-Jane, stop this
crazy thing! Jane!
-Dr. Rostov, it's as if this
atomic-powered engine of yours
is going to outmow
jet propulsions.
-Oh, quit kissing up.
-We'll see, General.
-It's out of range, sir.
-Desert Station calling
Top of the World.
-Top of the World, Ma!
-Jane, stop this crazy thing!
-It all started at a little
500-watt radio station
in Fresno, California.
-Look.
That could change the game
of lacrosse forever.
Large-scale Pong.
-Hello, Desert Station.
Pip moving in on
Top of the World.
-Ma!
-Altitude -- 23 miles.
Speed -- 1,800 miles an hour.
-Attitude -- not too good.
-Heading due west on course
as charted.
She's practically over our headsright now, heading out to sea.
-Hey, it's the wackiest ship
in the army.
-There's no hope of an escape
from Stalag XIII, Hogan.
-Now this is a visual
representation of a theremin.
-Hmm.
-Contact Desert Station.
-Neptune to Desert Station.
Neptune to Desert Station.
Come in, Desert Station.
-Hold me.
-Over.
-Hey, it's Droopy.
-Hello, Neptune.
Come in.
-Rocket looking very good.
-We're 1,000 miles
out to sea.
-I wonder what the boys
are up to.
-Altitude -- 38 miles.
-I just discovered
I look like Robert Ryan.
-Speed -- 2,000 miles an hour.
Rocket approaching
point return back.
-Hey, it's Dino.
What a ding-a-ling.
♪♪
-Hey, Jerry,
there's something wrong with
the stock-footage
simulator.
-Hello, Neptune.
We are waiting. Come in.
-This is Neptune,
God of the Sea.
-Do you get me, Neptune?
Do you get me?
This is Desert Station.
We are waiting.
Anything wrong?
-No, just everything.
Just dump on me.
-Well, what's the matter?
♪♪
-Uh, Jerry, were you
messing with this?
-Oh, that cuts it, Dean.
-Desert Station,
we can't reverse the rocket.
It's out of control.
It won't turn back.
The rocket
isn't turning back.
-Goodbye, Nobel.
-It's 100 miles past us.
120, 50, 75...
-Uh-oh.
-...200.
-No, not 200!
-Get them back.
-Desert Station
calling Neptune.
-Yes, Desert Station?
-Give me that.
-This is
Dr. Michael Rostov.
Are you sure your reading
is correct?
Are you sure
you haven't miscalculated?
-Oh, yeah, I'm the jerk.
It couldn't be
your crappy rocket.
-It came in right on schedule
on its exact course.
-Where is it now?
-It's getting below
the horizon.
-Hmm.
-It's gone.
-Hurts, doesn't it?
-Ouch.
-Neptune still standing by,
Desert Station, on orders.
-Have them keep
a clear channel.
-Yes, sir.
-Well, I'd better tell June
to hold supper.
-I don't like this.
-Stand by. Keep channel clear.
-Roger. Neptune
standing by. Over.
-Hold me.
-Dr. Briggs, traveling for 3
more hours at its present rate
of speed,
same fixed cost,
where would you say
it would crash?
-Well, here is us.
-Somewhere within this radius.
-Not good, is it?
-Not good?
-No, it's not good.
-...a total failure.
If we can ever recover it, we'llfind why it didn't come back.
-Oh, he's just grasping
at straws, now.
-Captain, you represent
the armed forces.
You know what
this test means.
-Does this mean
we can kill stuff?
-Right now, it's a failure.
-Oh, so we're the jerks now.
-We've always managed
to be first in a long race
against time.
We proved that
with the atom bomb.
-My head is a plaster cast
of Robert Mitchum.
-...or if someone else should
recover it before we do...
-Why is he looking at me?
I didn't do anything.
-...well, you know
the consequences.
It isn't the money
we've spent.
-Shame, shame, shame.
-It's the time out of the lives
of men like Rostov
and Phillips and Briggs...
-Wally, Lumpy, Whitey,
the Beav, Eddie.
-...men working under them.
-Those hours represent
a large portion
of our nation's security.
-And I'm talking to you, Bob.
-If we don't get
that rocket back,
we may never survive to know
just how much security we lost.
-Look, we feel
bad enough, okay?
-I'll get an okay
for a search party.
-And I don't want to hear,
"I don't know." Jerk.
-Who died,
and made him Droopy?
-I don't know.
-Yeah.
-Line to the White House,
please.
-Oh, the White House,
we're all impressed.
-Scramble it.
-Adam and Eve on a raft --
Huh?
-Ah, toasty fire.
-Another demo test?
-No thanks.
Coffee is bad
for my sense of humor.
-Makes me slur my words.
-And with you, I have to stay
on my good behavior.
-Mrs. Roosevelt
is looking fine.
-Mm-hmm.
-Not at all.
That's what it's there for,
Major Nolan.
-Joe is the name, remember?
-Tail Gunner Joe.
-Don't let the rank fool you.
-Habit, I guess.
-I guess.
You don't seem to be running
out of inhibitions, either.
-Drink your drink, Joe.
-Yes, Mommy.
-Marla, I, uh --
-Tell me more about
your being a flight instructor.
-Mm.
-The boys you train to fly,
what are they like today?
-Oh, they're dead.
Sorry.
♪♪
-Well, they're...
-Great. No more hot-rod
jockey pilots, no more flying
by the seat of their pants.
These boys think.
The day of the prop
on planes is over.
These boys flying today have
to know their engineering...
-Just keep talking,
dickweed.
-We're after the same kind
of brainpower that MIT is,
or Carnegie Tech or...
-Hey!
-Wait a minute.
You had me doing this same show
the other night.
-Hmm.
-I just wanted to see
if you had
any new material.
-Let me see.
You were taking me up
to the door to say goodnight.
-You tried to use me as a key.
-Oh, I remember.
You wanted to come inside,
and show me how you simulated
landings at 10,000 feet.
-Oh, I was drunk, wasn't I?
-Oh, sure.
What's the matter
with me?
That was Tuesday night
I saw you.
-Hmm, no.
-Wednesday.
-Hmm. Oh, then your name's
not Betty, is it?
-Yeah, sure, of course,
Wednesday, uh, crash landings.
-Nope.
-Parachute jumps?
-Nope.
-Clown suits?
-Yeah.
-I was tired that night, Joe.
You left me at the front door.
-Oh.
-Oh.
-Oh, please don't get up.
I'll change the record.
-Oh, geez, I really
dropped the ball.
Got to stay in control.
I'm still a champ.
I can do it!
-Hmm, hey, look,
the Dead, Mel Tormé.
Hey, here is one of mine.
-He is neat.
Really nice caboose.
-Ah, Marcel Marceau's album.
-Dinner was magnificent.
-We did eat dinner,
didn't we?
-Let's give the music
a break, shall we?
-Oh, would you give us
a break?
-...worry about my figure.
A woman appreciates
such thoughtfulness.
-I'll soon have you down
to fighting weight, honey.
-What a shame.
-I lead.
Give to Cesar
what is Cesar's.
-Fly a plane as well
as you dance?
-I manage.
-Those simulated
landings, I --
-Ooh, you taste like
Bud Abbott.
-Get the clown suit.
-...certainly took a long time
getting around to that, Major?
-It'll never happen again.
[Buzzer sounds]
-Ooh, it's like
an Operation game.
Touch her there,
and she buzzes.
-Remove tongue from tonsils.
-The door.
-I don't hear anything.
-Maybe you better answer it.
-It's my electric truss.
-Ooh.
-Great to see
she's got a nice back.
-Excuse me, Major.
You wearing your Jimmy hat?
-Pardon me, ma'am,
but is, uh, Major Nolan here?
-Oh, is that who I am?
-Hi.
-What is it, Sergeant?
-My neck, sir,
it's fused to my spine.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
-Orders for you to report
back to the base at once, sir.
They'll have a plane warming up
for you at the flight line.
-Oh, I was just
warming up myself.
-At once, sir.
-Alright, Sergeant.
-Oh, well.
-Come back soon, Joe.
-And, uh, bring
your Jimmy hat.
-I'd like to
finish our...
discussion about
simulated landings.
[Innocent whistling]
-What time is it, Sergeant?
-2:30, sir.
-Oh, back on the stick.
-...a whole lot
better to me at 3:00.
-Mwah!
-She's not bad, sir,
if you don't mind me saying it.
-I don't mean to sound
personal, Sergeant,
but how did you --
-Just following orders, Major.
If I hadn't have come across
this at your quarters,
I, uh, might not have found you
for another 30 minutes.
-Eh, he's pretty old
for a sergeant.
He must have punched
an officer.
-Very careless of you, sir.
-Give me that.
-These are all guys.
-If you don't mind my saying
so, sir,
you're an awfully
tough man to follow.
-She's hot.
-Why, I ought to...
-Oh.
-Knucklehead.
-I'll be right back.
-What was that
guy's name again?
I remember him.
-Uh, the guy who was on
"The Danny Thomas Show."
-Yeah, that's his name.
-I don't want any more
complaints out of you,
sweetheart.
I only gave you
all new parts.
Now use them.
-Uh-huh.
-And, you, my blood you got --
half the night
I spent over you.
What happens?
Wrong size.
Now you got a new one
that fits.
Use it.
Be relaxed and satisfied.
-Sergeant Tatlow.
-Hey, it does talk!
-The CO wants you.
-Oh, it's him.
-What, and leave us sitting
here practically naked?
-Well, put your pants on,
and get going.
-If you want to wind up
getting hot and cold baths
in a straitjacket,
that's your business.
Mine is to take you
to the CO.
You coming?
-Orders,
that's all they know.
They get them.
They give them.
You get them, you're stuck.
And does your draft board care?
-Mm-hmm.
-Eh.
-Eh.
-Come on.
-Ah!
-Mwah! I love
this old suit.
-For the next 30 days,
stay lost.
-Everybody talks to inanimate
objects in this movie.
Pretty strange.
-Now don't misunderstand me.
I don't want to make you
feel terrible,
but I always said
I'd never die in a plane.
-But I've changed my mind.
-Let's see.
Oh.
-Mother.
-Well, she got
married last month.
-That makes me
legitimate now.
-And my brother, Russell.
He made the pep squad.
-I'll keep the flying jacket
while on my leave.
I'll tell you all about it
when I get back.
-Here we go.
-Huh?
-Oh.
-Lieutenant Wilson?
-Where?
-One L or two?
-Uh, five.
-Lieutenant Daniel Wilson.
-Yeah.
-Got your library card, sir.
-CO wants you right away.
-Uh-oh.
-Dame said she voted
last year.
-What?
-Maybe she lied.
I can't understand.
-I think that's over our heads.
-As I was telling
that other guy,
I never wanted
to die in a plane,
but now I'm very
excited about it.
-Alright.
Give me another rum and diet.
Then, we auger it in, Phil.
-...all kinds of contentment
and peace, and what happens?
-Dad, Dad, can we stop?
I got to go to the bathroom.
-Hey, come on.
-We're going to get there.
Are we there yet?
Can we stop?
-I lost out on a little
contentment and peace myself.
-What?
-So why pick on me?
-Because I missed
your ugly face, Danny boy.
I got lonesome
because it was so pleasant
and uncomplaining
those two delightful years
we spent living in that romanticSouth Pacific jungle together.
-Geez, everything is a speech
with these guys.
-We ought to crash
on an island
that's loaded
with guerrilla resistance.
-You made it sound so good.
I'm taking us in.
-And in 2 seconds, you're
the South Pacific Commando.
What a picnic.
-You got liberated.
-Yeah, I got liberated.
-So did she.
-Look where it got me.
-Liberation,
it's a wonderful thing.
Let's drink to it.
-Oh, must be
a Northwestern flight. Huh?
-Huh?
-Sergeant?
How about some coffee?
-No thanks.
I already had mine.
I love that.
-If it's not one thing,
it's another.
-Coming right up, sir.
-Hmm, I got to...
Oh.
Forget that rest stop.
I'm fine now.
-Meanwhile,
over Ames, Iowa...
-That guy is kind of
a chunky steward, isn't he?
-Hmm.
-Eh, pardon me, Doc.
I brought you some coffee.
-Oh, uh, uh, uh,
I wasn't doing anything.
-Whoa, thanks, Sergeant.
Smells good.
-It's just me.
-Ah, let me tell you, Doc,
everything about this doll
smells good.
Just look at the fuselage --
really stacked, huh?
-Uh, you've been alonetoo long, haven't you, Sergeant?
-Listen to her sing.
I tell you, she's a dream,
Doc, my baby.
-If she could only cook.
-Hey, you're talking about
the woman he loves!
-Oh, Doc, uh,
I can see you haven't had
much experience with dames.
You know, the first thing
you got to know is n--
never spoil their makeup.
-Uh, uh-huh, you're reallybucking for that Section 8, pal.
-Tell me, what's that point
we just passed over?
-I'm the wrong guy
to ask, Doc.
You know, looking out from high
places makes little black spots
do a ballet
in front of my eyes.
-I can prove these guys
don't exist.
-Thank you, man.
-Remind me to kill you later.
-Uh, got some coffee
for you, Doc.
-Coffee?
-Yeah, it's a beverage.
-Oh, yes, thanks.
-Oh, it's just what I need
about this time.
-But definitely.
-Uh, and suicide has
a U in it, sir.
-Would you get out of here?
D'oh.
-Do, do, do, do, oh.
Oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh.
-Uh, genocide has a C
in it, sir.
-Would you get out of here?
-Yes, Sergeant?
-Oh.
I --
I don't know
about you, Doc,
but these long trips
always get me a little sleepy.
Figured a little coffee
might keep us all awake, yeah?
-I don't sleep. Get away from
me, little monkey boy.
-...that you know.
-Man, don't say "hi." Jeepers.
-I will hollow you out,
and use you as a sleeping bag.
-Ever fly
one of these before?
-Nope.
-Neither have I.
-Okay.
-Okay. Let's see here.
Who had the Manhattan, and who
had the 15 rum and Diet Cokes?
Good thing we stocked up
at Fargo.
-Oh, what characters,
you're as bad as flying
a bunch of congressmen
to visit the war front.
-Why, Willie, how you talk.
This is a posh assignment.
-What a femme.
-We're hauling VIPs --
distinguished scientists.
Sergeant, you should'vebrewed them some liquid hydrogen
served with smashed atoms
on crackers.
-Somebody's hurting.
-Yeah.
Yeah, I'll serve them.
One joker is taking pictures
through a window.
Another one looks like he's
writing a letter to Einstein.
That Rostov guy is playing gameswith a map.
And what do we do?
Go chasing after a rocket.
-That's a naughty word,
Sergeant -- top secret.
-Hey, take over.
-Me?
I'm just a sergeant.
-I'm gonna play Boy Scout
back there,
let you two
aggravate each other.
-Let's get out of here.
-Eh.
-Keep your ulcers happy.
-Hey, did you ever fly
one of these things?
-Ulcers, he says.
My ulcers never had it so good
flying with me this trip.
-Turns off the hose,
climbs down from the ladder,
turns to the clown, and says,
"What, and quit show business?"
[Laughs]
-Tom, I'd really love
to laugh at that,
but I'm the one
who told it to you.
Essentially, I programmed it
into your memory, remember?
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, here is one you'll like.
You'll want to get this.
You'll like this.
Okay.
There's these four monks,
an albino squirrel
in a shoe factory, okay?
-Hey, there's a ship
coming into range.
-Okay. You can tell your joke
when I'm done.
-No, it's --
it's no joke.
-Or your anecdote,
or whatever you got.
But anyway,
there's these four monks,
and they work on
a construction crew.
This is neat.
They work at a construction crewat the monastery, okay,
And they just get done
working on some of
the stations at the cross.
-Joel, Joel, Joel...
-And they see this albino
squirrel who carries it
really well, and...
-Joel.
-Oh, would you
cut that out?
-Well, hey, geez,
what a grouch.
It's the only way
I could get your attention.
-Hey, there's a ship
coming into range.
-Whillikers,
he's right!
Cambot, get me rocket
number nine pronto!
[Doorbell rings]
-Hello, boys.
-Hugh Beaumont?
-Oh, come on.
Call me "Dad."
-Geez, sir -- I mean, Dad.
What are you doing here?
-Well, you see, boys, uh,
I'm one of the four horsemen
of the apocalypse,
and, uh, I come bearing
a message of unholy death.
-Huh?
-That's right.
I'm really going to give you
the business -- destroy you,
your world,
and all that you know.
But first,
a stern talking-to.
You know, you boys shouldn't be
so hard on that movie.
A lot of people worked quitehard to bring that movie to you.
-Gee, I guess we shouldn't be
so quick
to judge others, then, huh?
-That's right, Crow.
-[Whispers] He bought it.
What a jerk.
-Well, I'm glad we learned
a little lesson then.
Well, it's time to die.
-Gee, sir -- I mean, Dad,
why must you kill
all life and matter?
-Yeah, can't you give us
another chance?
-Oh, please, Dad,
don't kill us,
and take our souls
to the afterworld, and stuff.
-Boys, I --
I think I owe you an apology.
I guess your mother and I
got so wrapped up
in this apocalypse thing,
I didn't have time
to think how you felt.
-Well, then you're not
going to destroy us?
-Oh, I don't see
how I could.
Well, I've got
to get going.
I've got to catch up
to Fred MacMurray and the boys.
They're about
to destroy Earth.
Drink your milk.
-What a sweet guy.
-And so,
we invade Poland.
-Hey, I can see
my house from here.
-Ever fly
one of these things?
-No.
-Me neither.
-Looks like this is it.
-What?
-Oh, Stucky's.
-We're now approaching
rocket's point of departure,
where Neptune radar unit
lost contact.
-Put your shoes on, kids.
We're circling Grandma's.
-I wish my life
had meaning.
-I can't believe they charge
$3.50 for those things.
-From now on,
keep your eyes peeled.
-If the rocket
hit the ocean,
you'll see a dye marker
covering the spot.
I'm going upstairs,
so we can get a good look.
-Uh, Bob, this is a plane.
There is no upstairs.
-Meanwhile, over Bowling Green,
Tennessee...
-Hey, you ever fly
one of these things?
-Nope.
-Neither have I.
-Hey, I can see
my house from here.
-We're now in the zone
where rocket ran out of fuel.
-This is the pilot.
Anybody back there
ever flown one of these?
-I know.
It's my fault.
-I miss the Beaver.
-Hey, I can see
my house from here.
-Have you...
-Oh, don't even ask.
-You sure?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
-Hmm.
-Dead end.
Dead end.
-[Singing]
♪ Dead end, dead end
♪ Dead end, dead end
-Sorry.
-Huh?
-What?
-Island to your left,
I'm swinging over it,
so you can take a look.
-Hmm.
-His left.
-I can see his scalp from here.
-Cool.
-Huh?
-Hey, my --
my watch has never
done that before.
It's trilling.
-Hmm.
This place is crawling
with Goldak.
♪♪
Uh-oh.
-Rostov, Briggs...
-Rico! Youngblood!
-The dagger is jumping
all over the place.
-Meanwhile, over
Three Mile Island...
-Whoa!
-I can see our careers
from here.
-Right hand red.
-You ever crash
one of these?
-I'll get coffee.
-I was kidding about
that death pact, Hal.
Come on.
-Hey, what happened?
-We're losing altitude fast.
Something's gone crazy.
-Hey, don't get
technical with me.
-All the magnetic controls
are conked out,
electrical systems shut.-The whole panel is dead, Joe --
as dead as we'll be if we don't
ditch this baby, and bail out.
-No, we'll be deader.
-Sergeant, get back
and take care of the others.
We're going to try
and make that island.
-I'll go get coffee.
-The captain has put on
the no-smoking sign.
Your seat back doubles
as a flotation device.
-And, you, Adolf,
you look fabulous.
-Okay, Doc.
The major is heading
for the island!
-Help me!
-Ever dive one
of these things?
-We blew it, Phil.
♪♪
-Damn fly.
♪♪
-I'm only lending this doll
to you, Major.
Bring her back to me
in one piece.
-Punch it, Hal.
I want to die with you.
-Be kind to her.
Be gentle with her.
She won't double-cross you.
Easy, Major.
-Oh, that looks like
a good place.
-Whoa.
-Where's George Kennedy
when you need him?
-You ever crash one
of these things?
♪♪
-Thank you
for flying Northwest.
-Hey, we landed
on a witch.
Maybe the film will be in color
from this point.
-Alright, you kids.
Quit horsing around back there.
-Last time we let you
play in-flight Twister.
-Whew! It smells like
a wrestling match.
-Yo.
-Get the first-aid kit.
Briggs is bleeding.
-You did a beautiful job,
Major.
I didn't think
we had a chance.
-Let's form a soccer team,
and eat each other.
-I like living, too.
This will hurt
for a minute.
-Yeah. That's what I always
tell my kids.
-What went wrong?
-I don't know.
-Maybe there was hand soap
in the hydraulic fluid.
-Magnetic instruments,
the radio, everything --
they just stopped cold.
-That's strange.
-I usually have a line here.
-Just before we crashed,
the Geiger registered
intense radio activity.
-Huh?
-What do you make of that?
-We're over
something hot.
-Other than that, your guess
is as good as mine.
-Hey, I hope the Geiger...
-No! Whoa!
-Get the Geiger!
Whoa!
-A lot of Goldak
reading here.
Oh, thank goodness.
-Sounds like an old
Duran Duran tape.
-Oh, "Hungry Like the Wolf"?
-Yeah.
-Oh, great.
-This is an old movie.
Oh, no Goldak here.
-I can see you're really upset
about this, Dave.
-But there's nothing.
-Hey!
My watch is going.
It stopped before,
but now it's going.
-Great, I'll alert the media.
-Come on, let's go out,
and take a look at this
South Sea paradise.
-You'll be alright, Briggs.
-Yeah, what a joker.
-Uh, just put that anywhere.
-Ugh, what a day.
-Hey, they left
the morning paper here.
-Beautiful.
-Good morning.
-Morning.
-Morning!
-Seems rather peaceful.
-Talk to some of our guys
who crashed
in New Guinea
during the war...
-Whoa. I'm sorry
I brought it up.
-...headhunters, taboos.
-Down there may be a park,
but I'm not gonna
depend on it.
-Maybe we ought to try to
get the radio working, huh,
let somebody know
where we are?
-Hey, maybe it's time
to take that parachute off.
-...radio silence
until we find the rocket.
-Oh, that's just fine --
headhunters, cannibals...
-Break out the guns
and ammunitions, Sergeant.
-It's time for a celebration.
-Round up what food we have.
Better check
all your equipment.
Take only
the essential things.
-Like Vitalis.
-Looks like we might be
camping out for a while.
-Night falls quickly
in the jungle,
but morning comes
just as soon.
-Guys, this kind of reminds me
of a movie I once saw
about two guys
who crashed in a jungle, and...
-Wish we could havea charbroiled hamburger sandwich
and some French-fried
potatoes.
-Oh, that's what
I'm talking about.
-Yeah.
-Oops, there goes another
rubber tree plant.
-Thanks, Frank.
-Are they walking
in a circle?
♪♪
-Man, I hope there's
a gift shop.
-What do you think?
-Who knows?
Maybe we're being set up
for pigeons.
-And you're the mother-loving
pigeon of them all.
-Well, just remember the rule,
everybody --
if you don't understand it,
shoot it.
-Look for a woman
named "Wanama."
Gilligan!
Mary Ann!
-Let's torch the village.Let's do the whole village, man!
Let's do it!
♪♪
-It's a Gauguin still life!
Shoot it!
-Hey.
Beaver?
June?
What are you
doing here?
-This ain't gonna be
such a bad leave.
-He's perfect.
-Uh, excuse me.
You know how to get back to
the interstate from here?
-Hi.
-Jim, Mack, Joe, Fred.
-Too bad we don't know
their language.
-Yes, she might be able
to help us.
-I know a couple
of Melanesian dialects.
I'll try them out on her.
-Who are you?
-Whoa!
-Don't -- don't do that!
-You know English?
-From missionary school --
island over there,
where my people go.
-It's called Harvard.
-Your people left? Why?
-Firebird fly over village,
send out flame and smoke.
-The rocket.
It must be the rocket.
-We're in luck.
-Earth tremble.
People frightened,
leave in boats.
-Oh, big day for you, huh?
-Uh, this firebird, uh --
where did it land?
-On sacred mountain,
home of gods.
Chief say spirit angry
at bird...
-Run out of pronouns.
-...make earth tremble.
-Why didn't you leave
with the rest of them?
-Rocks fall down.
-Rock stupid.
-My father hurt.
-Aw.
-Brother and I stay
until he die.
-Aw.
-But who are you?
-I'm Cesar Romero,
international Latin star.
-We came after the firebird,
to take away its evil.
-They can do that?
-Whoa, Sabu speaks!
-If you could take us
to where it landed.
-No, no.
-No, no.
-No, no, no.
-No, no, no, no.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-No, no.
-If you show us where
this firebird came down,
we can break its spell.
It'll never fly again.
-And then, we'll give you
some glass beads and stuff.
-And your people can come home,
and live in peace again.
-I show way to sacred mountain,
but it is taboo.
You will not come back.
-Follow me, boys.
Ooh, ooh!
-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
-Ooh, swing to the right.
-There's sacred mountain,
home of gods.
-Did she make that out
of mashed potatoes?
-Couldn't land
on a nice, soft beach,
had to pick the top
of a mountain.
-Well, there's nothing yet,
but any radioactivity
would be shielded from us
by the mountain.
-Yeah, it's FM.
-Aren't you coming with us?
-No.
-Me no got lead sarong.
-Sacred mountain taboo.
No one ever come back
from home of gods.
-Besides, you guys not
see woman in long time.
-That's the first dameI ever seen run out on you, Joe.
Must be losing
your touch.
-Huh, funny. Jerk.
-I like these guys.
-We'll be right back.
-Uh, what happened
to their torsos?
-Well, fellas,
looks like we came upon
a sacred burial ground.
What say we defile it?
-Looks like
a dumping ground.
-Have you ever walked through
one of these before?
-Will you let that
die, please?
-Sorry.
-Hmm, hey, rocks.
-Well, looks like
we'll start climbing.
-It seems we have
no alternative.
-Well, one thing,
nobody can say
we're not getting plenty
of exercise on this trip.
-Who needs it?
-Uh, did everybody
get a line now?
-Hey, you can't even
see the top!
-You get busy up there,
Sergeant.
You want to bail out, you've
always got your parachute.
-Yeah, what happens
if it's dark?
-You won't get lost.
You light matches
on the way down.
-Uh, is everybody done
heaping shame on me?
-Phew, I got to follow that?
Ugh!
-Hey, get me.
I'm almost out of the frame.
-Look at that.
They've got their wing-tipped
climbing Oxfords on, there.
-Climb every mountain
till you find your dream?
I don't think so.
-You ever see
"Eiger Sanction"?
-Help me.
♪♪
-Hey, Joel.
What's that on his belt?
-Oh, that's his, uh,
femur bone.
-Oh, he carries a spare.
-Mm-hmm.
-Boo!
-Ah!
-You got me.
-Whew.
♪♪
-Ah!
Just kidding.
♪♪
-Take my hand.
♪♪
-Love on the rocks.
♪♪
-Uh, hey,
could you turn down
your Aaron Copland
watch, please?
-Joel, why are we watching thisdull mountain-climbing sequence?
-Well, because it's there.
♪♪
-Rock climbing, Joel.
-Boo!
-Oh!
-Well, here is a little trick
I learned either
from Will Rogers
or Bob Mapplethorpe.
I can't remember who.
-Wow, roping a wild rock
isn't easy to do.
-How fortunate.
This will simplify everything.
-I'm gonna climb up,
and into Lincoln's nose.
-Remember, Robin, both hands
on the bat-rope.
♪♪
-Don't look up
my pant leg.
♪♪
-Uh, some of these maneuvers
are just for me, folks.
♪♪
-Let him go.
-I'm here, Steve.
I got you.
♪♪
-No one will be admitted duringthe breathtaking climbing scene.
-Rock climbing, Crow.
-Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing, Joel, Crow.
-It's secure up here.
-Oh, yuck!
There's Vitalis
all over this rope, Cesar.
-Well, looks like
I'm the first man --
Oh.
♪♪
-Ooh, almost caught him.
-Ooh, let me tell you, working
the Catskills is tough!
Ooh!
-Dope on a rope.
-For God's sake, hang on.
-Little buddy.
Don't let go.
♪♪
-What?
-Hey, what's Henry Fonda
doing there?
-Wherever there's a guy
climbing a mountain,
he'll be there.
-Anybody want some coffee?
-Hey, strap more crap
to your belt.
-Hey, I'll be alright.
-What's that?
-Phillips!
-Uh-oh.
-Do not worry.
-Ah, grab the butt,
makes a better handle.
-Hey, they're pantsing him!
-It's like bowling.
[Indistinct talking]
-Oh, this guy is a goner.
-Yep.
-I can smell it.
-He's dead.
-Dead for sure.
-Hey, watch out!
They're grabbing kids'
butts up there!
♪♪
-Look, I'll thank you
not to touch my butt.
-Just -- Just my hand, please.
Thank you.
-Uh-oh.
Why do the violins always trill
when he's climbing?
♪♪
-Don't do it!
Don't you do it!
I got nowhere else to go!
-Come on, Doc.
-Oh, please don't
grab my butt.
I just had an operation,
if you don't mind.
-Just take my hand.
♪♪
-Well, who wants a drink?
♪♪
-Give me a cigarette,
will you?
-The thinner the air,
the richer the smoke.
-Seems like we've been climbing
for days.
-Tell us about it.
-There's no top
to this rock pile.
-You got an
appointment somewhere?
-Uh, as a matter
of fact...
-What's the matter, Doc?
Anything wrong?
-Nah. I'm just making a check
with the Geiger.
-Is that check current?
-Getting anything?
-Slight reading --
very slight.
-From the rocket?
-No, from our hats, dickweed.
-Hey, Doc,
is your head clear?
-No. It's opaque.
-Sure.
-I wish I could say mine was.
-Mine's Lucite.
-Well, let's go.
-Well, it is.
-So soon?
-Come on. Get your packs on.
-You got an appointment
someplace?
-Yeah, with a rocket.
-Call the rocket's secretary.
We'll have to reschedule.
-Here we go again.
From the director who brought
you that earlier stuff,
more of the same.
♪♪
-Doesn't the action let up
for a moment?
-This is better than that
"Indiana Jones" truck sequence.
-Yeah.
-Remember?
Yeah.
-Oh, that was the exciting
Odessa trip sequence.
-Not since Andy Warhol's
"Empire State"
has a camera stayed
in one place for so long.
♪♪
-Ugh. Ew.
That can't be healthy.
Did somebody have a Cobb salad,
or something? Whoa.
[Coughing]
♪♪
-I'm here, Steve.
-Warned you about smoking
that cigarette.
-Get up, you lazy...
-Come on. Get up there.
Use your femur.
-What happened?
-He loved too much.
-It's poison gas.
-He who smelt it
dealt it.
[All laugh mockingly]
-Let it go.
We're here for you.
-Now I know what she meant
about not coming back.
-Some kind of corrosive gas
generated from the earth.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Well, great, me
with only a parachute.
I should have brought
a gas mask.
-Good one.
-Probably caused by
internal pressures.
-No, it was the Cobb salad.
I'm sure of it.
-There seems to be
considerable volcanic activity.
-Come on, can
the balloon juice, Prof.
-You alright to go on?
-Yeah. Sure.
What's a little poison gas?
-Between friends.
-Got to find another way.
-You feeling strong enough,
Briggs?
Perhaps you
shouldn't continue.
-Oh, plot point,
plot point!
-Sid Fields
would put that earlier.
-Yep.
-Hey, what gives?
I don't know about that.
-Well, don't everybody
talk at once.
-They turned around,
and the hitchhiker was gone!
-Hey, this is
a no-smoking cave.
-Anything to keep a guy
from sleeping.
-Since when did a little noise
keep you awake?
-Shut up, or I'll short-sheet
your rock.
-Since a rocket came
into my life.
-Yeah, but look at all
the trouble it kept you out of.
-I love this
good-natured ribbing.
-Bob, uh, I'm on fire.
-Ah, this doesn't scare me.
I ate a rat once.
-Hmm, I wonder if this plot
will ever get moving.
-Eh.
-Now, this is only
for conversation,
but if you were gonna eat
a human body,
where would you start?
-Hmm.
-Can I snuggle
with you guys?
-Your family?
-Came with the wallet.
-Yeah.
The girl is 12.
The boy is 16.
-We're your family now.
-Fine-looking kids.
-Name them after me, will you?
-You'll have quite a story totell them when we get back, yes?
-I hope I will.
-Hmm.
-Hey, Hugh,
where's the back
of your skull?
-Well, that's what I get forsitting on my big fat blueprints
and helping to build
guided missiles.
-Fat blueprints?
-That's actually pretty funny.
-I should have listened
to my wife.
She's been after me for years
to get in condition.
-And God.
-Guess the natives would say
that the gods
were angry tonight.
-I'd say they're bowling.
-And they're crazy.
-Ever been married, Major?
-Are you asking?
-I come close to it a couple
of times, one way or another.
-How come you never
got pinned down?
-All done?
-Yeah, some wife telling him
what dames he should
or shouldn't go out with?
-Now stay it without
the stick in your mouth.
I don't like
the others.
I'll use their bones
to butter my bread.
Kitty!
-Up there,
on the rock!
-You mean by
that gargantuan lizard?
♪♪
-Art is art,
but I just don't see it.
-I'd say Doc has been sniffing
his polychlorinates again.
-Yeah, looks like Doc has been
writing his own positions.
-Oh, enough of this
for you.
-Music.
Okay, you got
the cards, Cambot?
-You ready, everybody?
Shh!
-"The Explorers,"
a Quinn Martin production,
starring Joel Robinson.
Also starring Crow,
and Tom Servo,
with special guest
star Michael Sarrazin.
Tonight's episode,"Drop Personal Pronouns or Die,"
Act I.
-Oh, what I wouldn't give fora charbroiled hamburger sandwich
and some
french-fried potatoes.
-Oh, you said it.
-Mm-hmm.
-Greetings,
naive native types.
I am Joel Robinson,
explorer.
I come on great white
jet bird in sky.
-Oh, you mean
that DC-9 Stretch
that arrived
at 0:14 hours this morning?
-I come to teach you white way,
teach you white man's tongue.
-Geez, what is it
with this guy?
-I show you great white
culture -- Shakespeare,
"Be, not be?"
that question.
Sinatra, "Get no kick champagne,me fire watcher,
no thrill, get kick you."
Kingstons, "Louie, Louie,
ooh, baby, we got go,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
-You're high, aren't you?
-Act II.
-I come to teach you...
-You primitive,
backward people.
-...people.
You know not about Bible.
You know not about, uh...
-School, school.
-...schools.
You know not about
Home Shopping Network.
-Servo, look at his eyes.
He's all tripped up
on goofballs.
-I...
-Act III.
-I here to show you
ways of West,
show you
Judeo-Christian way of life.
-Oh, that's all very
well and good,
but why are you talking
like an idiot?
Act IV.
-I need you guys
to talk this way
because, uh,
it's the only way
you can help support
the white male reality.
-Oh, well, how
do you figure that?
-Well, as a white man
ravages his world
with his imperialistic
corporate sensibilities,
you see, you help
support his smug,
superioristic attitude
by talking real dumb.
-Geez, this sketch
is getting preachy.
-Okay.
We make white devil feel good.
We talk like jerk.
-Great.
I know I could count on you
simple, backwards natives
to help me out.
-Glad we be of help.
Crow, kill him.
Kill him!
Kill him!
Epilogue. Kill him!
-I knew it!
I knew it!
-What?
-So, thought you could make
Crow the fall guy,
didn't you, Tom Servo?
Pretty tricky, but the truth is,is you killed Michael Sarrazin!
You did it!
-Hey, what kind of
psychedelic voyage
are you on now?
-He had it all figured out.
He knew the perfect crime.
I even had Betty and Jebediah
check for prints,
but they came up short.
but you forgot the one thing
that every murder forgets!
-Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel,
you're way off script.
What the hell
are you talking about?
-Uh, well, I --
I'm just trying to find a way
to justify all this Quinn Martinstuff with the Explorer stuff.
-He never produced anything
with Explorer in it.
-Okay, okay.
I did it!
I killed him.
And you know what?
I'm glad I did it --
glad, I tell you. Glad!
-We have closure,
and movie time!
-What did you see
up there?
-A monster I've never
seen before.
-And then what?
-I think he's getting
rocket-happy.
-Shut up.
-You sure it wasn't just
your imagination?
-Uh, he has no imagination.
-No, it can't be.
-He's a scientist.
-Well, all I see is spots.
-We're gonna need
a bigger cave.
We're gonna get
a bigger cave, right?
-Oh, Felipe, you're getting
a good draw off that thing.
-It's very foggy.
-Mm-hmm.
-Hey, the land of
Dairy Queen.
-Ah, a whole new day
of rock climbing.
-Finally at the top,
and then I can get -- oh?
Uh-oh.
♪♪
-I don't think
this is even close.
♪♪
Careful -- oh.
Hey, it's Edmund Hillary.
♪♪
-Whew.
-Hey, you kids
get down from there.
-Break your neck.
-Or I'll break it for you.
-Well, looks like what they're
going to do is keep the camera
on each actor like a slow,
painful montage.
Pain.
-Rock climbing, Servo.
-Rock climbing, Joel.
-Rock climbing.
-Rock climbing, Crow.
Cambot, rock climbing.
I hate when they put him
in the smoking section.
-Hey, save the fog.
We could use it
in a Ridley Scott film.
-They just climbed
through the ionosphere.
Is that legal?
-Oh. Why don't you
go on a diet?
♪♪
-Ow.
Oh, that's okay.
I didn't need
that arm anyway.
Thank you.
-Well, we're finally
at the t-- oh, no.
-Come on, men,
just a few more feet,
and we'll be a few
more feet along.
-Oh, we're in hell.
Neat.
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
-Neat.
-Hmm.
-Oh, my God,
they've done it!
They've done it!
They've reached the side.
-Huh?
-You know what I'm really
hungry for right now?
Rock lobster.
-Yeah.
-For some reason, I...
-Anything by the B-52s,
really.
-Robert Lippert presents
"A Mountain Out of a Molehill."
-Oh, come on!
What is this?
-What is it
they're looking for?
-They forgot.
They don't even know.
-Could at least get some music,
or something.
Step on his hand.
Come on.
-Come on, God!
-This is a madhouse!
A madhouse!
-I never knew Mountain Time
was so slow.
-Stay with me, baby.
-Come on,
"Stay with me, baby."
Is that all
you can say?
-Kill them all!
Kill them, please!
-Come on, Hey, you guys.
Calm down. Hey.
it's only a movie.
We can handle it, okay?
-Okay. I guess you're right.
-Who are you?
Where are we?
Can we get a frame of reference,or something?
Please!
-Joel, chill.
Chill, Joel, come on.
-Oh.
-It's okay.
It's only
rock climbing.
-Would someone please
tell the director
about compressing time
through editing?
-[Singing]
♪ Dun da dun da
Oh, sorry.
♪♪
-Oh, finally.
-Tense music.
♪♪
Come on, baby.
-Hmm, should I play out
this plot point?
Oh, what the hell.
Forget Sid Field.
-Yeah.
-Got to try and keep
padding out the film.
Got to pad the film.
♪♪
-Yes!
Oh, yes, my spirit is snoring!
♪♪
-That's a
new sensation.
-Yeah, that looks different,
new set.
♪♪
-Got a match?
-Yeah, mud-butt,
your face.
[All laughing mockingly]
♪♪
-Oh, geez, this guy's gonna
bring the film
to a screeching halt now.
-Rostov!
Rostov!
-Nolan, it's Briggs!
Nolan, it's Briggs!
-Why would they do that,
do that?
That's really mean, mean,.
-This film sucks, sucks.
-You must die, my friend, to
make the film more interesting.
-I'll never go of you.
I will never,
ever let you fall or...
Oh, well.
-I'm alright.
I'm okay.
-I've plummeted to my death,
and I can't get up!
Dang, he has my keys.
-Hmm.
-Hey, what happened, Gramps?
You lose something?
-Yes, but the light is so much
better over here.
-So, what are they
waiting for?
-The impact.
-Oh.
-How did it happen?
-I'm not sure.
I think it was his heart.
-He died of a broken heart?
-Why didn't you yell?
-There wasn't time.
-I'm not a
demonstrative person.
-It was unexpected.
I tried to hold him,
but I didn't have the strength.
-I've got no more
love to give.
-Another one of
your unpredictables?
-Oh, I see.
I'm the jerk.
Everyone dump on me.
-Ja.
-Can't you see I'm hurting?
Fade to black. I hurt.
-Well, that's over.
Let's go.
-No!
-No more rock climbing!
-Get your paws off that
mountain, you damn dirty ape!
-Why?
-Can we go out, and get
a pizza or something?
-Just live with the hurt,
you guys.
Tough it out.
Get stronger.
-Seashells?
How in the world...
-Used to be a lake.
-Oh.
-It's a dead end.
-Alright.
Let's go back, everybody.
-No, no, no!
-Hey, a whole other mountain --
and twice as big as this one!
-Oh, no, no, no!
-No!
-That's the only way up.
Think you can make that?
-Oh, I don't know.
I'd have to heat my core
to 13,000 degrees,
get involved in plate
tectonics, and --
-Not the mountain, you idiot.
-Oh. We could jump.
-You better.
It's a long way down.
-Eh, it'd be quicker
than the way up.
-Throw it over to me.
-Noonan.
-Noonan.
-Noonan, Noonan.
-Miss, miss!
-Noonan, Noonan!
-Geez, you're like a gazelle,
Cesar.
♪♪
-Now, throw me the whip!
Throw me the idol.
-Who is this,
Robert Mapplethorpe again?
♪♪
Whoa!
-Look, if you want to bein the club, you got to jump it.
-Don't trip.
Oh!
-Oh!
-Hold me.
Dear God, hold me.
♪♪
-Olly in free!
-Hey, you guys!
Hey, you guys!
There's a dead end over there!
-Olly in free!
-You got to make this jump!
-Or you're not in the club!
-Not in the club.
♪♪
-Well, this should thin
the cast a bit,
and leave more lines
for us.
-Yep.
-We're swinging into
high now, Bill.
♪♪
-They're on top
of Old Smokey.
-You know,
this secondhand smoke is --
is just as unhealthy.
♪♪
-Hey, guys.
Watch this.
I saw this on
"Mannix" once.
-Don't trip!
-[Vocalizes]
-Thank you.
-Don't trip!
-Oh!
-Whoa.
-The Russian judge
gives him a 3.5.
♪♪
-Throw me the whip.
-Hey, guys.
Watch this.
I saw it on
"Mannix" once.
-[Vocalizes]
-Noonan.
-Noonan.
-Noonan!
-Noonan!
-Noonan!
Ah, ooh, we got -- Oh.
-Don't grab him
by the butt again.
-Oh, there he goes.
♪♪
You know,
even rock climbing movies
don't have this much
rock climbing.
♪♪
-Oh, Joel.
Kick his hand.
Step on him.
-I saw this on
"Mannix" once.
We produce
the best athletes.
-We'll hit the top!
-Broadway!
-You mean the very top?
Where? Where?
-Oh, we got time to kill.
Let's take a break.
-Hmm, Doug McClure.
What?
-Oh, this is great.
This is typically great.
There's an elevator
right here!
We could have rode up!
-Hey, guys!
There's another
mountain up here!
-No!
-Oh, just kidding.
Just kidding.
-Hey, this isn't so great.20 minutes of climbing for this?
-Can we see
what it is, please?
-Wow.
Would you guys look at all
this really cool stuff?
-Ooh.
-Now how high is up.
-They really got
something going, here.
It's too bad
they won't show us.
-Look at that.
-What's the matter?
-Oh!
-Look.
-Oh, wow, cool stuff.
Well, let's get back
down the mountain.
-It's the
"Jungle Goddess" sets.
-Trees. Wow.
-I go colorblind.
-Well, if this movie were color,that would mean something.
-I'm gonna slice off
a piece of that action.
-Ooh, yeah.
♪♪
-Look, it's that girl
and the little kid again.
Oh, no, we just went back
down the other side!
D'oh!
-We're back at reel two!
Get word to
the projectionist!
Get on reel four, and get us
the hell out of here!
-Laundry everywhere.
-Wow.
-Notions, assorted sundry
toiletries everywhere.
-Well, men, let's bungle
in the jungle.
-I don't know.
I...
-I could make a full-length
movie out of it.
-...I'm almost
afraid to say.
-Not like any jungle
I've been in.
-Hmm.
-Or ever will be, Major.
You're looking at
a kind of world
that hasn't existed
for millions of years.
-Who are you, Camus?
-Sort of like a --
like a lost continent.
-Oh, you could call it
that, I guess.
-Hey, good name.
-Hmm.
-Here, out of a mountain
in the middle of the sky?
-Volcanic dust.
-Came out of my pant leg.
-It's almost as if time
forgot this place.
-Everything indicates a
throwback to prehistoric times.
Look at that foliage.
-You look at it. I'm bitter.
-It would take tremendous
internal pressures
causing such
steaming pools --
-I told you
it was the Cobb salad.
-...to have continuous
activity at such altitude.
-Must be terrific,
as powerful
as a stockpile
of hydrogen bombs.
-Or a stockpile
of stock footage.
-Yeah, but it
doesn't make sense.
The air is thin, sure,
but you can breathe
without your lungs
screaming for help.
-We're screaming for help.
-We're miles above sea level.
-It's all the plants, Major --
practically pure oxygen.
-But look at this haze.
-"Purple Haze."
-Somebody got lonesome
for some soft light,
and put a green bulb
in the sun.
-Yeah, like in a nightclub --
only they forgot to bring
in the dames, huh?
-Thank you, Morty Gunty.
-You know what the atom bomb
did to the atmosphere, Major?
Those same forces
could exist here.
-I think his accent has
gotten thinner with the air.
-If we find that rocket,
it may have us someday
all living back
in a world like this one.
-I'll worry about that
when the time comes.
-God knows we've got tons
of that lying around.
-Hey, Phillips,
take a fix.
See if you pick up a reading
on the rocket somewhere.
-Oh, the rocket.
Thank you.
I forgot what
we were doing.
-Yeah.
-Yes, sir.
-And that was
when I was 14.
Now, later that summer, I...
-...something, Joe.
What's eating you?
-Chili peppers.
They burn my gut.
-You're wide awake.
What is it?
Trouble in this little
dream world?
-Maybe.
-Maybe not.
-Stan, what do you think
of Rostov?
-I like him.
He's neat.
-Rostov?
-I can light his cigarette
maybe if I had a...
-He's a cold fish.
You know those
big brains.
-No, can't say as I do.
-Oh, I see.
You think that he --
-I don't think
anything yet.
-Well, we know that.
-I never did buy that guy,
even before we took off.
-Well, the producer did.
-Why?
-Do we know anything
about the rocket, really?
No.
Only three guys know
what makes it work...
-And none of them
are in this film.
-...Rostov, Phillips,
and Briggs.
-What about Hungerdunger?
-Oh, you left him out.
And he's the most
important one, too.
-Anything happens to Phillips,
that just leaves Rostov.
He could sell us
any bill of goods.
Maybe he didn't want
that rocket to turn back.
-Hmm.
Rough.
-See what you make of this?
-Oh. Earmuffs, I guess.
-Hey, Major.
We picked something up.
-Well, let's hope it's a virus,
and it kills them all.
-That's it, Phillips.
-What's the rundown?
-Definite signs
of radioactivity.
-Hmm.
-It's much too powerful to be
coming from the unit
in the rocket.
-It's from there
somewhere.
-We may have hit something
important, Major...
-Like the plot?
-...uranium.
-Please say it's the plot.
I hope it's the plot.
-Why the plane
went out of control
when we flew
toward the island.
-Why domestic comedies
are so successful.
-We must have entered
a field of radiation,
and when we dropped
below the mountain,
we passed out of it.
It lost its effect.
-Why couldn't you have told us
this 20 minutes ago, you?
-My watch stopped again.
Does that stuff act
like a magnet?
-That stuff is the most
mysterious element in nature...
-Love?
-...the most dangerous...
-It's potent.
-...the most unstable,
the most valuable.
-Yeah, babies cry for it.
-Huh?
-Huh?
-Our job concerns finding
the rocket, not...
-I think he lost you, Cesar.
-...prospecting for uranium.
-Keep my uranium
out of this.
-...it was inevitably drawn
to these fields.
-If it ran out of fuel.
-Don't ever say that.
-Simmer down, Joe.
-So?
I'll apologize
if I'm wrong.
Alright.
It's the only lead we have.
Let's follow it.
-That square bugs me!
He really bugs me!
-Rules of the road, boys --
See anything, shoot to kill.
I mean, don't shoot it
if it's gonna
advance the plot, though.
-Saigon.
I can't believe
I'm in Saigon.
-Did you get him, Sergeant?
-Oh, please let him
get malaria, please.
-...for 4 hours
like I was something sent up
from room service.
-Ba-dum, tiss.
-This movie makes "Shoah"
look like a two-reeler.
-Easily.
-Pick up any late news flashes
from the home front, Doc?
-Huh?
-How is everybody
at the Pentagon? Happy?
-What'd you say?
-Oh, nothing.
I just wondered if...
-I just thought I'd sneak
a few lines in.
Forget it.
-Tatlow still had the jitters.
-Oh, well, from its activity,we're moving into a hotter zone.
-Well, at least
we won't freeze tonight.
-You coming on to me?
-And there on the handle
was a --
-If that rocket is near
the uranium fields,
we're getting
pretty close.
I show a concentration
of almost 20,000 MRs.
-MRs, is that like
a handful of yours?
-MRs? How about
a short translation
for the common man, Doc?
-Go scratch,
is that short enough?
-Milli who?
-It's like taking
your temperature, Sergeant.
-Yeah, now bend over.
-Only this shows how hot a zone
is with radioactivity.
-How dangerous is the area?
-Don't worry, Major.
We're safe enough.
But if the uranium
in those fields were refined,
we'd have been dead
hours ago.
-The Japanese would've owned
all this anyway.
-Raise your flaps.
That rocket won't find us.
-You've been sarcastic
this whole film.
Is something wrong?
-I joined the Air Force.
-Oh, fun.
-Yeah.
-Ah, let's take
a 15 minute break.
-Oh, but keep
the camera running.
-Take 15.
-Ah, ah, ah.
-Take out the rations,
Sergeant.
-Yes, sir.
-How ungrateful, these guys.
-Ah, tortellini
with pesto sauce.
-I've got radicchio.
-I've got haggis.
-This sauce is delicious.
It's so light.
Something tastes like cilantro,
only milder.
My compliments
to Dinty Moore.
-Mm-hmm.
-This is so good.
I've got to go tell someone.
♪♪
Hey!
Who booted over here?
-We've got company.
-Alright.
Clean this place up.
We've got company.
-Yuck.
Ew.
Carrots and stuff.
-These tracks are fresh.
-Mountain cows,
nothing scarier.
-It's fine that they're fresh,
but do they fit?
-Nothing human
I ever saw.
Not even my top sergeant
had feet that big.
-I've seen tracks
like these before.
-Yeah? Where?
-Larry Mondello.
-In a museum.
-Turd Museum in Citrusville.
-They're Brontosaurus tracks.
-Rode one. Almost bucked me off,but I dug in.
-Good for you.
-Hard to believe,
isn't it, Major?
-My calendar says 20th century
AD, not 100 million BC.
-Yeah, but you've got
a Chippendale calendar.
-I appreciate your feelings,
Major,
but you can't change
what we've just seen.
-I know. I know.
-Tell the others
to get our patch.
We've got to move.
-Can I finish my yogurt?
It's really delicious.
-Now, now, this is where
they shot "Mad Monster,"
and a little ways
down here,
you'll see where they did
"Jungle Goddess."
There's "Rocketship X-M,"
filmed right here, too.
-I'll make another check,
if you'd like.
-Oh, that'll take
10 minutes!
-Oh!
-Would you put that thing
down, please?
-Alright, on course.
-Good.
-Yeah.
You sure that thing
really works, Hugh?
-Hey, Doc.
More bronto --
Hey, more tracks.
[Indistinct talking]
-Hey, Doc, think there's
some other way to get
to those uranium fields, eh?
-There may be.
-Well, yeah, we could
of have an edit
about 25 minutes ago.
-I'm going to follow
the needle.
-Okay.
-Ye, lady, whoa.
-So I'll just stay here, right,
with the thing and the car?
-Hey, Doc.
-Huh?
-I think I'll stick with
the needle, too, huh?
-Oh, Sid and Nancy
are coming.
-Hey, I saw a werewolf drinking
a piña colada at Trader Vic's,
and his hair was perfect.
-Here, plot.
[All whistling]
Plot!
Here, plot.
Story line!
Anywhere.
-Hey, Brontosaurus!
-Where?
-Heh-hey!
-Alright!
Whoo!
-Brontosaurus.
-I have been waiting
for the last 50 minutes,
but I've got to go.
They tell me I cost
over $1,000 a minute.
I'll have to
see you later.
Now, a word from
Hunt-Wesson.
-He brought Stravinsky
with him.
-It's magnificent!
-I ditched a hot babe for this?
-Turns out I'm a herbivore.
These guys got nothing
to worry about.
I'm really just
a red herring.
Please enjoy the film.
And now,
a word from Jays Potato Chips.
You'll enjoy it.
-Get into camera.
-Camera?
Ah, canaps, hors divors.
Don't mind if I do.
-Run away!
-Brontosaurus in Africa?
-Shh!
-I win.
-Oh, get up, you.
-Climb up the tree!
-Yeah, climb up
to mouth level real quick.
Shoot, Hugh.
-Ah, my favorite --
scientist on a stick.
I like it when there's a salad
bar with a little meat on it.
♪♪
-Oh!
Oh, that stings.
Knock it off, will you?
-Trying to knock it off.
♪♪
-I see a dinosaur,
but I hear an elephant.
Hmm.
-Shoot me, will you,
smart boy?
I'm not gonna forget this.
You can bet.
-Get him out of here!
-He's gonna look good
over the fireplace.
-Big one.
-Let's get out of here!
-One more.
There you go.
-Now, throw the gun.
-Oh. 15 minute --
No, that was pretty intense.
Let's go for 20 minutes.
-Let's go up on that rock.
-More rocks?
-Oh, no.
-No!
-Not more rocks.
-Oh.
There they are, too.
-Oh!
-Even the small ones are gonna
take a lot of time, guys.
-Ah.
-Oh.
-Sorry I had to
tie you guys up,
but you were letting
the film get away.
-Just keep your knob on
all in one piece, baby.
I may be needing you yet.
-Still talking to crap,
huh, monkey boy?
-Hmm.
-Too bad I couldn't
have gotten...
-Throw that thing over
the side, please.
-Pictures?
-Pictures?
-You're lucky
you weren't killed.
-That's the thing --
I was killed.
We're all in hell now.
-How do you account
for all this, Doc?
-Ah, it's just the way
Lippert works.
He's kind of a kook.
-You can't explain it.
It's an impossibility.
Yet, here we are,
right in the middle of it.
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
-That's where
I always wind up.
-Stuck in the middle
with you.
-That animal we saw this
afternoon hasn't existed
for millions
and millions of years.
-But it almost chomped
your butt, Hugh.
-It disappeared before man
was ever heard of.
-What's the matter with it?
-Shut up, you two,
and don't spill
the beans.
We've got a good 20 minutes
left to fill.
-You know what a miracle is,
Lieutenant?
-The words "The End"?
-Amen.
-Can you explain it?
-No.
-I can't explain what happened
this afternoon, either.
-Candy.
-Well, thanks for straightening
the whole thing out, Doc.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
And what a relief.
Ah, goodnight.
-Geez, just close me out.
-I'll call you
when it's your watch.
-A watch, for 50 years
of movie service?
[Unidentified noise]
-Oh, very impressive.
-Sorry.
-Strange and rather
frightening out there.
-And strange.
-Take any of those rocks...
-Please.
-...harness
its stored-up energy...
-Mm-hmm.
-...convert it into
power plants...
-Mm-hmm.
-...we could build
a whole new world.
-Oh, somebody's
got a secret agenda.
-It'll destroy the
one we've got.
-Ironic, but here we are,
sleeping on top of
the richest uranium field
known to man.
-Yeah, it's not like
your futon back home.
-It's not a real cozy feeling.
-One day,
I'll be able to tell this to my
three-headed grandchildren.
-You are a cynical,
suspicious man,
aren't you, Nolan?
-No. I'm not.
Who told you that?
-Maybe.
-Maybe not, dickweed.
-No.
-Oh, baby.
-No, Danny, Danny,
not the clown suit, Danny. No!
-...dream you.
And your shape...
perfect.
-I don't feel like
I should be watching this.
-Everything about you.
-Me, neither.
-Hey, where is that copy
of "Aviation Weekly"?
-Turn to the Cessna.
Whoo!
-There's just one thing
about you, baby.
-Well, what's that?
-Baby, if you just --
if you could just have
propellers
instead of jets.
-Wah-wah-wah-wah.
-I feel so dirty
after that. Eesh!
-Football practice!
-Now, I'm on a mountain
with a dinosaur.
Hey, does this movie have
a continental breakfast?
-Ah, n -- no, they lost
the continental breakfast.
Oh, this was also called
"Cesar Romero's
Night of the Living Dead."
-Danny, Rostov and Phillips,
they're gone.
-Huh?
-Ah, they went to Perkins
without us.
-Hey, you were on guard.
Why didn't you watch them?
-You know how unstable I am.
-Rostov and Phillips,
they're gone.
-I did. I never closed
my eyes all night.
-Maybe your hunch is right.
-I knew it.
-Everyone, Ronnie, Biff,
get all the Teen Titans.
Let's move like
we've never moved before!
-When stools
ruled the world.
-Got to find where that music
is coming from!
♪♪
-Huh. I wonder,
if we go around here,
we'll end up on the other side
of the same thing.
It's kind of funny
over here.
-Ooh, what he stepped in.
-It came out of a dinosaur,
I'm sure.
-Who brought the string bass?
-It's a contrabassoon, sir.
-Shut up, maggot!
-Hey, look,
the cast of "Star Trek."
Help me, Kirk.
Help me, Spock.
-Hey, cool it.
I see something interesting.
-Shoot them.
-They're loving.
-I'm repulsed.
♪♪
-Some rouge here,
add a little foundation.
You look just -- Huh?
-What are you doing?
-Oh, I'm just applying
some makeup.
-His foot became lodged
in the rocks.
I wasn't able to free him
by myself.
-So, I chewed his leg off.
-Keep your voices down.
Look.
-Hi. I'm Skippy.
Don't be afraid of me,
or anything.
-Hanging around for hours, eversince I discovered Dr. Phillips.
-He's only reading
the magazines.
I don't think he's gonna
buy anything.
-Mmm, nummy, nummy,
nummy, nummy, nummy.
-Come on.
I just want to talk.
Come back.
-Well, it's not good.
Noise will only attract them.
We'll have to
sweat it out.
-Get up, Steve.
Come on.
Get to work,
you pansy.
-He must be dreaming
about a plane.
-No, June!
Not the clown suit.
-Go ahead and yell.
It'll do you good.
You got us
trapped into this.
Now, go ahead,
and yell loud.
-No!
-He was being sarcastic.
-What's a few more lives,you crazy, stupid uranium happy?
-Hey, don't talk to
my friends that way.
-Shoot for the eyes.
♪♪
-Where have you been?
I've been looking
for you all day.
♪♪
-It's the mother-loving
rubber dinosaur of them all!
-You go around back.
I'll take the front.
Yeah.
-I am not an animal!
I am a rubber model!
-I wonder how he keeps his hair
back like that.
He kind of looks like
Patti LaBelle.
-You and me going around
and around, model a model.
-Hurts, don't it?
Here is your mail.
Oops.
Forgot to stamp it.
-Sergeant, keep your eye
on him.
-Start plotting
those spitballs.
-Yeah.
-Gee, Dad,
why'd you have to go out
and get a
greenstick fracture?
-I'm eating you up now.
How's the farm?
Here's a couple
more acres.
-Got him.
-Just as dinosaurs
must protect their young,
so must you invest
in Mutual of Omaha.
-Look, Danny.
Get them out.
-Yes, sir.
♪♪
-Eat it, boy.
Eat it.
-Oh. Ow.
You got my braces.
Ow, owie.
♪♪
-They're gone.
We can quit now.
Let's go.
-Say, "Uncle."
-Dinah Shore.
-Aw, but this is
the coolest part.
♪♪
-Help me!
I'm about to fall.
You've got to help me.
I'm pulling my arm
out of the socket.
Don't grab my butt.
Ah!
-Hey, Joel, come over here,
and look at this.
-Yeah, this is really cool.
-Hey, Cambot.
Follow me over there.
Wow.
That thing's super neat.
-Oh, just a wait a minute.
Wait.
It's coming around.
There!
-Whoa!
-Yeah!
-Oh, boy. Oh, boy.I think that's the coolest part.
-Well, the other side
was really cool, too.
Yeah. It sure was. Ooh.
-Wow, those little
dangly things at the top
are the coolest.
-I don't know.
I don't know. I think...
Come on.
Look at the top half, there.
-Hmm?
-Top half, near the sides.
That's the coolest part.
-I don't see it.
-Well, maybe. I don't know.
Hey, wouldn't two of them
be even cooler?
-No way. Unh-uh.
-But 18 of them -- whoa, wow.
-That would be
really cool.
-That would be great.
-Boy, oh boy, yeah.
Hey, guys, look at that!
-What?
-Wait for it
to come around.
Now!
-Oh, man.
That's so cool.
Unbelievable.
Oh, that one knows it's cool.
It's not that cool anymore.
Let's get out of here.
-Yeah, I'm coming down now.
It was pretty cool while
it lasted, though, wasn't it?
-I still think
it's pretty cool.
You know, it's not as cool
as before, but...
Hey, guys. Hey!
Hey, guys, look!
-What? What? What?
What? What?
-Oh, wow!
-Oh, cool.
-Baby, that's the coolest.
-Yeah.
-Hey, Joel. It's cool and all,
but what is it?
-Uh, it's a...
-Well, at least
we know it's cool.
-Hey, do you know
what it is?
-If you think you do,
send your description,
drawing,
orthographic projection,
or expensive working model
to "Cool Thing,"
care of MST3000
Information Club,
post office box 5325,
Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343.
-What do you think, sirs?
Pretty cool, huh?
-I don't think it's cool.
I think it's subterfuge.
I think you're just
trying to hide the fact
that we're winning,
and you're losing.
Put the movie back in, Frank.
-It's so simple.
It's so beautiful, in a way.
There's a kind of arcane beauty,you know?
-We need to talk.
Go away.
-Meanwhile, in a less
interesting part of the film.
-Man, was that
ever action-packed.
We'd better take
a 15-minute break.
♪♪
-Do all you scientists loseyour marbles every now and then?
-I never lose my marbles.
I'm a scientist.
-I'm sorry to have caused you
so much trouble, Lieutenant.
I woke up a little earlier than
the rest of you this morning.
It seemed a swell chance
to grab some pictures.
-I'm a morning person.
What can I say?
-I'm lucky Mike
followed me.
-You think I would let you
get yourself killed
in a prehistoric jungle?
We've been friends
too long.
-I love you, damn it.
-Well, the, uh...
The leg is feeling better.
Come on.
Let's keep walking, huh?
-My God, he's cheerful.
It's hard to
get mad at him.
-Mm-hmm.
-Bonk!
Oh, my head.
Bonk!
Oh, my head.
Bonk!
Oh, my head.
-Oh, check it out, graffiti
from the Donner Party.
-Candy cigarette?
They are toasted.
-Thanks.
-I think.
-Not disturbed because
it's still BC instead of AD?
-No, because I'm AC,
and you're DC.
-CD?
-Sí.
-ASAP.
-It's smoother.
I'm energized.
-I also said if I was wrong,
I'd apologize.
-That's not necessary.
-Okay. Enough of that, then.
-Don't ask me why,
but at the beginning
I had you figured
for playing on the wrong team.
-Hmm.
-I know.
I'm a Russian.
-I thought you were German.
-Almost my whole life
has been a witch hunt,
one way or another.
-Did you ever get a wedgie
in grade school?
-First, it was Hitler and one
of his concentration camps.
-Hitler, what a jerk.
-Then, my wife and unborn child
died in another
with Russian-made
barbed wire.
It doesn't change
that much.
-A lot of guys are finding
that out every day.
-All respect for my country
lies dead in those camps.
-I guess I should
like you now.
-I hope to go back
and resurrect it someday.
-Mm-hmm.
-Hmm.
-No country can survive
when it loses the respect
of its own people,
or of the world.
-Oh, hasn't stopped
the old US of A.
-You'll go back, Mike,
the way you want to go back.
-My God,
your hat smells good.
-...fighting for same thing,
even if...
-Oh. Line!
-...heaven forbid it meanspushing buttons on more rockets,
like the one
out there somewhere.
-Blowing up the world.
-Heaven forbid, Joe.
-What did you call me?
-Let's go home.
-Hugh, take that Walkman off.
You're closing out the world.
-...coming up the mountain,
being forced through the Earth
at tremendous pressures.
-I know what that is.
-Too much pressure
with no safety valve...
-That's colitis, alright.
-...if they should ever react
with the uranium fields.
-Like the 4th of July.
-Or the end of the world.
-Well, that's it.
-That's what?
-All out of batteries.
-It's the end of the road.
The geiger can't
take us any further.
-He means that we are
right in the middle
of the uranium deposits,
and they seem to...
-I know what it means.
Shut up!
-Then, how do we
find the rocket?
-I wish I knew.
It could be anyplace.
-You mean we could wander
around up here for weeks?
Come on.Let's get out of this graveyard.
-Yeah.
-Let's blow.
I hate this place.
-Yeah, I agree.
-Oh, and here
we are again.
Look, even Cesar
is sick of it by now.
-I don't know how long
these guys will hold out.
They've got pleats
in their pants.
-What's eating you?
-Making this movie is probably
the worst 3 days of my life,
that's what.
-You know what chances we have.
We're beating our brains outfor something we may never find.
We don't even know
where to look now.
If the rocket is up here,
it'll rot
before anybody
can get to it.
-You bored?
-Yes, I'm bored.
Let's do something.
-Yeah, I'm bored.
We're down to our last
few rounds of ammo.
Worried? No.
-Scared? A little.
-Aroused?
You bet.
-If you see any more of those
fugitives from the zoo,
I'll just walk up to them,
and kill them with spit.
-Oh, it just might work.
You haven't brushed
since we got here.
-Hey, this is fun, huh?
I'm having fun.
How about you guys?
Yeah.
-You speaking for yourself,
Danny, or for them?
-Maybe I'm saying what
they don't want to say.
-What are you saying?
I don't understand any of this.
-The lieutenant
seems to think
you've got something
on your minds.
-Water on the brain.
-I'll give you a chance
to unburden yourselves.
-Well, I was forced to wear
a clown suit
as a youngster and, uh...
-You have nothing to say?
Well, I have.
We're low on food.
We're low on water.
And we're low on ammunition.
-All we got are those little
silver balls
that go on tops of cakes.
-But I got news for you.
I walk around with my guts
twisted up same as you.
-Well, take some Maalox.
-I want to clear out of here
the same as you.
I didn't ask to be trapped
in this rat race,
but as long as I'm here,
I'll try and finish.
-Same as you.
-Mm-hmm.
-Anybody who wants to
can knock it off now.
[Applause]
-I'm better, Major.
-Creep.
-Well, don't just
stand there, Major.
We got a rocket to find.
-Jerk.
-Baby, you ain't
getting any lighter.
-Wiener.
-So, I'll spit
in their eyes.
-Just a little spittle,
idiot.
-Everybody's got a line
but me.
-Uh, line anybody? Anybody?
-So, here we are again.
-Oh, no.
-Yep.
Ah, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
-Yep.
-Aye, aye, aye.
-Well, uh, this is where
we slept last night.
I remember this.
♪♪
[Trumpeting]
-Hey, it's a
trumpeter swan.
No. I'm Batman.
-Winged freak, huh?Wait till they get a load of me.
-Hey! I want to have a piece
of that big buzzard.
It would make
good eating.
-Hey, shouldn't he be
on the "Pee-wee" set?
-Hey!
-Hey, somebody shot Pterri!
-Nice shot!
Oh!
-I think it fell
right around here.
-Where is it, boy?
Soft mouth it.
-Hmm, we'll get some sage
stuffing and some cranberries.
-Hey, look!
-Huh?
-Hey, there it is.
-Oh, with a mad passion,
I love you.
-Let's get to it.
-He likes all those things.
-Mm-hmm.
-Uh, you won't be happy
when you find out
what you're leaning in.
-Take it easy, why don't you,
you big slob?
-Hey.
-Get away from that.
-Hey, who are you talking --
Oh, you're talking
to the dinosaur.
-Hmm, brain the size
of a walnut.
-Dinosaurs?
-No, the director.
-Ah.
-They should drop dead.
-They should've
a few million years ago.
-Well, we can't wait for them
to become extinct.
-Hey, Rostov.
How much time will you needto get the unit out of the rock?
-Well, that's kind
of personal.
-Depends on how much damage
we find.
Ordinarily, 10,
maybe 15 minutes might do it.
-Another 5 to get the data off
the lab recording instruments.
-Can you knock off the whole
works in half an hour?
-Should give us
plenty of time.
-Okay, 15-minute break,
everybody.
-I think I've hit an angle
to get rid of him.
It's gonna be rough,
but it might work.
Danny, you and Willy
circle the animals.
Get in back of the rocks and
boulders, and start shooting.
It might bait them
away from the rocket
long enough for Rostov
and Phillips to move in.
-Now, get this.
-We're gonna shoot
the works on this.
If we don't do it
the first time,
we've had it.
-Right.
-Hope you've got
plenty of spit.
-Yeah.
-If I run out...
[All hocking spit]
-So, I'll meet you guys
at the rocket.
What the hell
is he doing?
-I'll make a sling
with my underwear.
-Hey, what did
he call me?
-Now.
[Gunfire]
-Hit a lot of pheasants
that way.
-Let's get out
of here, Scooby!
-Here, take this.
It's chafing me like a bear.
-Take it in a little.
Quick, get the can opener.
Oh, yeah.
♪♪
-Psh, Fisher!
-Hey, kegger at the rocket.
-Whoo!
-Alright.
We'll party down.
-Hey.
-Oh.
-It's really deep!
-Watch out for
that last step.
It's a doozy!
-I'll just stand here, tall and
proud, keeping America --
well, South America, LatinAmerica, uh, safe for democracy.
-Looking good, boss.
You're really looking
tall and proud.
-Wow, there's tons of
cool stuff down there.
-Hey.
-Hey, we found
a party ball.
-Whoo!
-Alright!
-Ah, finally, my light brown
pumps from Bloomingdale's.
-Hmm, let me take
a look at this.
-Strap those on, and parade
around singing show tunes.
-They're fabulous!
-Mm-hmm.
-Do them.
Just do them.
-"You will die at the hands
of a Triceratops," huh?
-Maximum thrust
registered 9.5.
-And I designed the controls
for 2.5.
A team of those animals
out there
couldn't have turned it back.
-What does that mean?
-It means a team of
those animals out there...
-Imminently, Major.
Now that we have these, we know
how to design the next one.
No more unpredictables.
-Hey, remember when you tookthat pot shot at me, monkey boy?
Payback time.
-Well, everything
is going good.
-Willy!
-I feel like
a little Italian.
-Joe!
-My little pizza roll.
♪♪
-Tell the plane
I love her!
-Hey, cut it out.
I'm eating.
-Hey, come on.
Ow. Bunch of jerks.
-Take it slow and easy
on the way down.
-That was a short
mourning period.
-Yeah.
-I don't want to leave anymore.
-What about their friend?
-Oh, no, guys.
Now it's the trip down.
-No!
-No!
-I can't take it.
I can't take it.
Oh, oh, oh.
-I remember when
I pulled monkey boy
up onto the cliff, here.
-You know, this is going
a lot faster, though.
-On the way down?
It usually does.
Okay, carefully.
-Mm-hmm.
-Now, watch your
step, there.
Now, want to be real careful
on the way down.
Don't want to break an ankle,
or cause some kind of -- Ow!
Oh, that hurt.
♪♪
-Please don't
spare us anything.
Let's watch Hugh
go through it, too --
-Whoa!
-...slow as possible.
-That wasn't very smart.
-Give him a hand.
-Hung up, there.-
-I'll help you down, there.
I'm not always
gonna be here.
-Don't grab his butt, Joel.
-You know, guys,
if you ask me,
I think they just reversed
the film, here.
Yep, going backwards, here.
Hm.
-Twinkie wrappers.
We were here before.
-Yep.
-I'm gonna ask this
once again,
and it's only for the sake
of conversation,
but what do you think is thetastiest part of the human body?
Hands?
-How's the leg
holding on?
-Nose?
-I'll make it.
-You, Mike?
-Let's see, one, two --
hey, there's a lot less
of us.
No wonder it's going so well.
-Yeah, he'd probably say...
-Ah!
-Hey, it's gonna rain.
It'll be cold
without an umbrella.
How do you like that?
-Oh, thank you, Joey Bishop.
-Uh-oh.
-We'll have to
move fast.
The whole mountain
is blowing up under us.
-Yep. The model doesn't look
too good, either.
-Where are they, again?
-They're on top of that pile
of mashed potatoes.
-The souffle is falling.
Well, grab a rock,
and just ride it down!
-Whoa!
Oh! Oh!
This is
getting serious!
It's so real!
Oh, that's bad.
-Well, I'd say the dinosaurs
are rocking down.
-Whoa-ho!
Whoo!
-Sorry, what?
-Uh, the --the --
the dinosaurs
are rocking down.
Yep.
Oh, watch out.
-Oh!
Whoa!
That was close.
-Ooh!
-Ah!
-That was his ear.
Oh!
-Owie.
-That had to sting.
-Whoa, sorry.
-Hey, careful there.
-Whoa!
-Carefully.
-Oh!
-Hey, you kids,
stop jumping around
up there!
Eddie, Lumpy,
knock it off!
-Come on!
-It's nice when
there's no stones.
-Yeah, I liked it better --
-Whoa!
-They've come to bury Cesar,
not to praise him.
-Oh, boy.
-Ah!
"Rock the Casbah."
-Uh-huh.
Doesn't bug me anymore.
-No.
-I'm unaffected.
-That wasn't so bad.
Let's get the hell
out of here!
-Ah, ah, ah!
-You know, fellas, it doesn't
get any better than this.
We've got to do this
again sometime.
-Guys. Guys, you're okay.
It's only the camera
that's shaking.
Come on.
-I got to get the girls
together, and do this sometime.
-Yep.
-Yeah.
Well, let's take
a 15-minute break.
Uh, just kidding.
-How is that those rocks
keep missing them?
It's, like, incredible.
-I don't know.
-It's like the Book
of Revelations, but nothing --
nothing touches.
-Must have been filmed in
Katharine Hepburn vision.
-[Laughs]
-Uh-oh.
Mm-hmm.
-Think you can
jump that, Cesar?
-This is the wrong time of year
to visit San Francisco.
-Looks like
Shake-A-Pudding.
-Just shaking
the bushes, Boss.
[Wind howls]
-Whoa. Whoa!
-Oh, how fortunate.
This will simplify everything.
-Throw me the whip.
I'll throw you the idol.
Come on.
-I can't throw you the whip.
It's -- Uh, never mind.
-No, I can't be there for you
every time, dummy.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
This is the last time.
Now, quit horsing around.
-Get over here,
you lovable old dork.
-Gilligan!
-Little Buddy!
-Well, they all must be
out in the lagoon.
Whoa!
Look at that.
-Whoo!
-Whoa.
-Oh, I bet the Professor
rigged that, huh?
-Yep.
Oh.
-Maybe we can hide
in that shelter, there.
-Well, it's kind of like
helter shelter right now.
-Oh, yeah.
-Hey, didn't they come
by plane?
-Yep.
-Frame is steel boat, huh?
-I'm telling you, guys,
property values are great here.
It's a buyer's market.
-Yep.
-You're right.
Look at this duplex
you could get.
Well, it's going fast.
-Hey, their lean-to
just leaned fro.
-Mm-hmm.
It's the end of the world
as they know it,
and I feel fine.
[Indistinct singing]
-Certainly not Fentonville.
-Get away! The stock footage
is erupting!
-Midway, in Sensurround.
-Senseless.
-December 7th, 1941,
a day that will live in infamy.
♪♪
-There it goes.
It looks like Bikini Atoll.
-Ah, safe, out of danger.
-The world is coming to an end.
-Shark!
-Whoa!
-Shark!
-Rather this way than having
gone living with us.
-Well, smoke them
if you got them, boys.
-Let's go, guys.
-Let's go back.
-Let's take a movie break.
-What do you think they'll
call the sequel, guys?
-Uh, "Padding and Paddling"?
That was the 1951 classic
"Lost Continent."
Interestingly enough,
EP Robert Lippert
found that he could extend
the length of his film
by adding meaningless,
poorly contrived and blocked
walking sequences --or, in the case of today's film,
mind-numbingly excessive
mountain-climbing scenes.
He called the device
"padding."
And as you know,
padding has become
a staple of movies
ever since.
Now, this.
-Cesar Romero,
who many of you will recognize
from the "Batman" TV series
of the late '60s,
and who was thought to be a spy,was originally to play the role
that eventually went
to Hugh Beaumont.
Director Sam Newfield said,"Cesar just isn't bland enough."
We'll be right back.
-Uh, director Newfield,
a known Nazi spy,
cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac,
used to amuse the cast and crew
by doing terrible things
to his dog with a fork.
A -- Uh,
we'll be right back.
-Anyway, I think we got
a letter to read.
I'd like to thank the Mads for
faxing these color letters up.
Uh, let's put this
on the, uh --
On the still store there,
Cambot.
I'll read it.
This is from Robbie Harmon.
-Hi, Robbie.
-He says, "Dear Mr. Joel,
Crow, and Tom,
I am 10 years old.
I try to watch your show
all the time."
-Great.
-"Your show is the best.
I like the sound effects
and the jokes you say.
They make me laugh
so hard."
-Oh, good.
-"Sincerely, Robbie.
I drew your pictures."
That one kind of looks
like you're getting
kind of heavy, there, Crow.
-That's a chunky Crow there.
-Yeah, that's, uh,
me before SlimFast.
-Oh, right.
Anyway, uh, what do you think
of the experiment, sir?
-I think you guys should get
a special treat
just for making it
through that film.
-"I think you guys should get
a special little treat."
Frank, this is science,
not "Romper Room."
-Oh, okay.
In that case,
you are going to die.
-Frank, listen to me.
I think...
-I think...
-...we won.
-...we won.
-Push the button.
-Push the button.
-God opens a door.
He closes a window.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
-Well, thanks for straightening
the whole thing out, Doc.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
What a relief.
Well, goodnight.