Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 3, Episode 7 - Wild Rebels - full transcript
The crew takes on The Wild Rebels (1967), a movie about a stock-car racer who is recruited as a getaway driver for a biker gang. The guys get into the spirit of the film by making a commercial for "Wild Rebels" cereal and Joel explains how to appreciate a bad movie.
-♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪
♪ Next Sunday A.D.
♪ There was a guy
named Joel ♪
♪ Not too different
from you or me ♪
♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute ♪
♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit ♪
♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place ♪
♪ But his bosses
didn't like him ♪
♪ So they shot him
into space ♪
♪ We'll send him
cheesy movies ♪
♪ The worst we can find
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪
♪ And we'll monitor his mind
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Now keep in mind
Joel can't control ♪
♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Because he used
those special parts ♪
♪ To make his
robot friends ♪
-Robot roll call
Cambot
-Pan left.
-Gypsy.
-Hi, girl.
-Tom Servo.
-What a cool guy.
Crow.
-What a wisecracker.
-♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪
♪ And other science facts
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Then repeat to yourself
"It's just a show" ♪
♪ "I should really
just relax" ♪
♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪
-Gypsy, I know. I know.
Hi, everybody. Welcome to
the Satellite of Love.
Gypsy's feeling kind
of depressed today, you know?
A lot of people
don't realize this,
but she has a lotof responsibilities on the ship.
-Yeah, like we don't have any.
-Yeah.
-Hey, now, listen, you guys.
You know, she's the one
who keeps a lot
of the higher-system functions
running on the ship so you guys
can galavant around, alright?
That's why sometimes she's kind
of hard to understand.
-Yeah, that's why she sounds
like Moms Mabley.
-Good one.
-Oh, that's great.
Now, listen, you guys.
I'm gonna have to ask Gypsy
to shut down
some of the higher functions
she's been slaving
so she can free up her mind
and tell me
what's bugging her, alright?
Now, I need --
Now, I need you --
Now, would you guys look at me
when I'm talking to you?
-Oh, sorry.
-Alright, now, I'm gonna needyou guys to finally do some work
around here
for a change, capiche?
Alright.
-Commercial sign in 15 seconds.
Now, Tom Servo, I want you to godown to the maneuvering room
and keep those heat shields
pointed towards the sun.
-Roger.
-Crow...
-Yeah?
-...I need you to do
everything else, alright?
And stay frosty, you two.
-Cool.
-Check, stud.
-Commercial sign in 5, 4, 3, 2.
Commercial sign now.
-[Raspy voice]
We'll be right back.
♪♪
-And so I guess I'm just feelingthe old ennui, you know?
It's nothing.
I'm just a little depressed.
Look, you're busy.
We'll talk about this later.
I'll re-initiate the estradicand phototic systems on my mark.
Re-initiate.
-[Coughs]
Oh, thanks, Gypsy.
I'm really glad we could have
this little talk.
-Richard Basehart!
-Right. Richard Basehart.
That's right.
-Howdy, Captain.
-Hey, stud.
-You know, I had the nicest
talk with Gypsy.
She's a really warm
and wonderful person.
-Uh, Joel,
the scientists are calling.
-Yes. I just feel like
she's my new best friend.
I can't even describe it.
-Well, don't try 'cause
the scientists are calling.
-Yeah.
-Oh, okay.
-Uh, no.
Joel, the button's over there.
-I'll get it.
-Huh?
-For crying out loud.
-Oh, hello, Joel-arini-weenie.
[Engines revving]
Is that funny, Frank?
Have we used that one before?
-Uh, no.
-Well, Joel, it's time
for the invention exchange.
You may wonder why
we're dressed this way.
-I wonder.
-Shut up.
We're dressed this way because
I've lost my train of thought,
and don't you ever interrupt me
when I'm on a roll again.
We're dressed this way
because of the movie.
-We're dressed this way
because of the --
-Anyway, Joel, as you know,
children have long
looked up to cowboys
as role models and vice versa.
That's where we get
the hobbyhorse from.
But today kids are looking for
more sophisticated role models.
Uh, what's that thing, Frank?
-Cuckoo kids looking
for cuckoo kicks.
Uh-yuck, goiii!
-Uh...yeah. Anyway.
-So, what we've done --
And since today's movie
is kind of a biker movie,
what we've done is we've taken
the whole hobbyhorse concept.
We've pared it down a bit,
shot some paint on it,
and what we have here is the --
the hobby hog.
Whoo!
-That's right.
It's for kids who want to get
into concert security.
But we haven't forgot the child.
The saddlebags are filled
with zwieback,
and the tank's filled
with Bosco.
Kick it down, mama jama.
-Hey, I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
Uh, Cambot, could you bring it
out a little bit?
Alright, there's nothing
the fellas and me enjoy more
than a big, juicy, sloppy pizza
before we head on in
for an experiment
in the Mystery Science Theater.
Anyway, this is a thing
I invented.
It kind of puts a high-tech spinon an old standard.
It's the 3D pizza.
I based it on the premise
of the 3D chess
from the old "Star Trek" show.
-It's even better
with the 3D glasses on.
I feel like I'm really here.
-Let's see.
Uh, pepperoni
to anchovy level 4.
Check.
-Wow.
-I've got you now, Mr. Bond.
[Chuckles]
-If you've got extra,
you can take...
-Ahh!
-...and use this neat
pizza lunchbox I invented
and carry it right into
the Mystery Science Theater,
where we're going --
-Joel, that's a trash can lid.
-Oh. Well, you can use it
for that, too.
What do you think, sirs?
[Engines revving]
-I'm sorry, Joel.
We couldn't hear you.
[Engines shut off]
Your experiment today
is called "Wild Rebels."
-It's a cool, swingin',
heavy trip.
Uh-yuck, goiii!
-What is that noise?
-It's just a -- It's just
a sound. That's all.
-I know, but you do it all the
time.
-Goiii! It's nothing, really.
-What does it mean?
-It doesn't mean anything.
-It's about me, isn't it?
-No.
-Ahh! Movie sign!
-Movie sign!
Aah!
-Nice and spicy!
♪♪
-♪ Wild rebels
-Oh, boy.
-♪ We're reckless -I wish I could eat pizza, Joel.
That looks good.
-Yeah.
-Hey, Steve "Lame-o."
Geez.
-[Chuckles] Ooh.
-Hey, Pastrano --
my favorite sammich.
-♪ We're restless rebels
-And the Glaucoma Players.
Boy, I can hardly read this.
How about you?
-Nah.
Nah. Uh...
-♪ We travel in a gang
-There's no way
we can read them all.
-Ahh!
-And here's the people
with the really bad agents.
-Uh-huh.
-♪ Either way,
who gives a care? ♪
-That's impossible.
-♪ No one
-Eh. Catchy tune.
-Okay, is that better or worse?
-Oh, that's a little better.
-Good one.
-♪ Wild rebels
-That's got to be better.
-Yeah.
-How about this?
-Ah, that's worse, yeah.
-Better one, better two?
-Yeah.
Better one.
-Okay. Good.
-Comet Pictures --
a real flash in the pan.
-What's the extra "E" for?
-Well, it's for ex--
-[Coughs] Ixnay.
-I'll tell you later.
[Siren wailing]
-Hmm. Trouble with the car?
-I'm here, Steve.
-Tough break, Rod.
-Oh.
-Man, there's nothing left.
-Uh, I don't think the scene's
over yet, Rod.
Um, yeah.
-There goes two years of saving.
-Well, you shouldn't carry cash
in the glove compartment, Rod.
-Nothing. Nothing.
-Come on, Rod.
You can build another super.
-What, with chewing gum
and spit?
-Uh, no, thanks. I just ate.
-By the way, who are you anyway?-I want to call it quits.
-Hey, Rod, it's all in the game.-And who are you?
-Some game.
-Hmm.
-Okay.
-Paint your house.
-How's my sandwich coming?
-Geez, what a lousy day.
What? What?!
What do you want from me?
-Down the trail of shame
he goes.
-Yep.
-Mm-hmm.
More like draggity-drag.
Poor guy.
Uh-oh.
Here comes the Sermon
on the Gran Torino.
-Alright, come on over here
quick, everybody.
-Uh, blessed are the grease
monkeys, for they will lube...
-Hmm. What does he want?
I wonder what he wants
over here.
Let's go over and see.
Let's all wrap around here.
Get in the shot, everybody.
-Got to stay on camera.
-You might get
something you want.
-Hi. My name's Rod,
and I'm a gasaholic.
-Hi, Rod!
-Hi, Rod!
-This here's an official
auction.
I got a new trailer
over there...
-Hey, nice guitar.
-Yeah.
-...late brand-new tires
and rims.
What am I bid for it?
-Hmm.
-Well, I'll take the gui-- Huh?!-Huh?!
-Well, come on.
Don't be bashful.
What am I bid?
They're brand-new.
-Come on down from there, Rod.
You don't want to sell out.
-I made this movie, didn't I?
-Don't get it.
Alright, now...
-How about these Robert Culp
"I Spy" pants?
-$1,000 rig, brand-new.
$100.
-[Scoffs]
-Ohh.
-You sure you can afford it,
man?
-Okay, I can't, dickweed.
-Ohh.
-That's alright, man. I get it.
-How about if I throw in dinner
and a movie with me?
-200 bucks.
-$20.
-Now, that's more like it.
-$250.
-Alright, $250.
Do I hear $300?
-$400.
-You don't have to go
that high, Walt.
-Bid $400. Bid $450.
-It's worth more. $400.
-Because I love you.
-$425.
-[Scoffs] Bless your stingy
little heart.
-$450.
-What does he mean by that?
-Alright, uh, $475?
-Well, that taps me.
You sold it to yourself, Rod.
-What an idiot.
-Uh, do I hear $500?
$450. Do I hear $500?
-Mnh. [Smacking]
-Oh, now you're
embarrassing them, Rod.
-Hey, "Alien Nation."
-$475?
Alright, $450 once.
-Uh-huh.
-That's it, huh?
-Yeah.
-Poor, stupid dope.
-$450 once.
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yeah. Yeah. Keep going.
-$450 twice.
-$450, three times a lady?
-Alright, sold to my good friendWalt Simpson
for 450 United States dollars.
-Hmm.
-Oh, uh, hey, did I tell you
I was bidding in pesos?
Here's your dollar.
-Get off that Batmobile, creep.
-Look at that dent.
-Look at the bodywork
they have to do on that now.
-You bought it fair and square
for $450,
and that's all I'm gonna take.
-That's all I'm gonna give you.
-$450. Count it. Go ahead.
-I trust you, man.
-Sucker!
-Sucker!
-Sucker!
-What are your plans?
-Get off this film.
-Well, I haven't got any, man.
I just shove off, man...
-Shove off? Wh--
Oh, I know what you're saying.
-Well, maybe.
-Oh, there's my guitar,
at least.
-Huh?
-Hmm.
-Oh, there it is.
-Yeah.
-Well, old buddy,
take care of yourself.
-[High-pitched]
Hey, let me out of here.
I'm a ventriloquist dummy
in this bag.
Please help me! Aah!
[Normal voice]
Darn fool. Hey!
-Alright!
-Hey!
Yeah!
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Looks like some local color
there.
-Yeah. White trash.
-Hey, those guys are marked
clearly as poison.
Don't eat them.
-Huh.
-"If you take these bikers
internally,
do not induce vomiting."
-No, the movie'll
do that for you.
It's like an ipecac.
-An ipe--
Oh, that Genesis album?
-Hey, Tommy Lasorda.
Uh, thanks for the ride,
Mr. Lasorda.
-Now, remember,
just one delicious shake
in the morning and lunch
and a sensible meal after.
-Yeah, whatever.
Thanks for the ride.
Hey, good luck with the footballteam or whatever it is you do.
-Thanks for the ride, man.
-Yeah. Now scram.
-Thank you.
-Huh.
-Hmm.
-Nice place.
-Yeah.
-Hmm. Open --
kind of an open-concept place.
Oh, what are these? Uh...
Kind of funny.
-They're bikes.
-Oh, this one looks like
it's made out of rubber.
-What do you know?
-Go figure.
What's this over here?
-Oh, it looks like it says, uh,
"Kiss me, I'm Irish."
-Yeah.
-Who'd know?
-Oh, would you just get
in the door, please?
-It's kind of like the backyard
of the "Brady Bunch" house.
-Mm-hmm.
Whoa!
-Hey,
good thing we got a wide screen.-Yeah.
Ronald McDonald
shaking his McBooty.
Whoo-hoo!
-Whoo!
-Oh, yeah, I wonder what
they're making butts
out of this year.
-One, two, cha-cha-cha.
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
-Hmm. Well, I'm not too sure,
but it's possible
I just might be
a little too hip for this room.
Let's just see.
♪♪
-"Wild Rebels Cha-Cha."
-Hey, look, they turned
the flying sub
from the "Voyage to the Bottom
of the Sea" show into a bar!
-Richard Basehart?!
-Ah, no, Gypsy.
Unh-unh. Sorry.
-I'm sorry.
-Ohh!
-Mnh. Poor girl.
-Alright.
-Just come to town?
-Just passing through.
-Beautiful guitar you got.
Can you play blues?
-Oh, just 'cause I'm white,
you think I can play the blues?
-Nice.
-What'll you have?
-Hmm.
-Let me have a beer.
-Okay. What kind?
-Cold.
-Now,
remind me to hit you later.
-Hmm.
-What are those three guys
doing, anyway?
-Oh, that's kind of...
-Weird.
-Whoa! Look!
-Whoa!
-Geez.
-Where'd she come from?
-Ahh.
-Sorry. It got warm
as I brought it over.
-Okay?
-Jerk.
-Jeeter.
-Hmm?
-Jeeter, dig the cat at the bar.-Mm-hmm.
-The one with the guit-fiddle.
-Hmm.
Ring around the collar.
-Hmm.
-I really like you,
but we could never wash
our clothes in the same load.
-Hi, handsome.
-Say.
-Does he got leprosy
or something?
-He looks familiar,
real familiar.
-Yeah, he was in the first part
of the film.
-Okay.
-Hey, Fats.
Would you believe
Banjo's in love?
-Okay. Would you believe
mildly infatuated?
How about a schoolboy crush?
-Let's try dancing first.
-Mmm.
Hey, keep my beer cold, huh?
-♪ Bridges I must burn
♪ Can I do it?
♪ My heart says "drive"
-This'll be good.
-Would you like a little pants
with your belt?
-[Chuckles]
-Ladies and gentlemen,
from England, the Femtones.
-Nice haircut.
-Nice vests.
♪ I'll more than try
-♪ My lunch goes...
-♪ My lunch goes "blahhh"!
-Oh, brother. Joel, is this"Catalina Caper" all over again?
-I don't think so, but it's
the same spirit, yeah.
-♪ I know I'll do
-♪ I know I'll do
-[Burping]
-[Burping]
[Coughs, burping]
-♪ Come on, let me in
♪ Love I have to win
♪ Can I do it?
-♪ My lunch goes...
-♪ My lunch goes...
-Blaaaaah!
-Blaaaaah!
♪ Do I love her? Yes, I do
♪ But before she'll love me,
too ♪
♪ There are rules I have to
learn ♪
♪ Bridges I must burn
♪ Can I do it?
♪ My heart says "drive"
-Blah!
-Blech!
-Hey, ladies and gentlemen,
please,
for your viewing enjoyment,
concentrate on the woman.
-Yeah, try not to listen
to the music.
-♪ Girls I must forget
♪ Can I do it?
-Don't look at him,
whatever you do.
-♪ I'll more than try
-Yee-hoo.
-Okay, I can get you Bob Denver.
-As a romantic lead?
I just don't see it.
-No, really.
I know the "Gilligan's Island"
thing typecast him,
but you should see him dance.
-Oh, you're always trying
to pawn off
your has-been TV talent on me.
Hold it.
I got Bill Bixby on line one.
The press agent sketch,
ladies and gentlemen.
-Pretty good.
-We're working on it.
-Nice job, guys.
-♪ Can I do it?
♪ I know I can
-Say.
Oh.
-♪ And I will
-I will.
-♪ And I will
-I will! I willkill you!
I willkill you!
-♪ And I will
-Hey, how did
those guys do that?
How did they fade like that?
-Amazing.
-Hey, are you guys
wearing Toughskins?
[Indistinct conversations]
♪♪
[Indistinct conversations]
-Something for the lady?
-Uh, yes. Just a beer.
That's all.
-Cold.
-I got it.
You know who that cat is?
-Rawr!
-I'm breathless.
Pray tell, who?
-That's Rod Tillman, man.
The hottest of
the Detroit iron boys.
-Oh, a Teamster.
-A real pusher
behind that wheel.
-A stockcar driver, huh?
-Hmm.
-Mm-hmm.
-How interesting.
-But stupid.
[Indistinct conversations]
-Go hit on him.
-Aren't these places phony?
I don't usually come here,
but...
-Sweetheart, go powder
your nose.
-Can I borrow a mirror?
-I beg your pardon!
-You heard the man, baby. Blow!
-Alright, you want me to blow,
or do you want me
to powder my nose?
-You gonna let these creeps
talk to me this way?
-Uh, yeah.
-Look, I don't know what's
going on, but I don't like it.
-Hmm.
-Sweetheart,
crawl back into the woodwork
where the rest of you are.
I don't want to have to mess up
that pretty little face.
-Oh, okay. Oh.
Oh, you're still talking to her.
[Indistinct conversations]
-Oh, this must be taking
on the new crotch cam.
-Mr. Tillman, I presume?
-Yes, Dr. Stanley?
-That's the name.
-Well, uh, we are avid
fans of yours.
-We like your early funny stuff.
-Thanks.
It was fun while it lasted.
-Oh? Do I, uh, detect
a note of resentment
in that statement?
-[Mockingly] Do I detect a noteof resentment in that statement?
-You were hot, baby.
What happened?
-Chicken begin to cackle?
-Leave my chicken out of this.
-No, man.
The bread ran out.
-Oh.So I couldn't bread the chicken.
-Mr. Tillman,
Banjo meant no offense.
-Didn't sound that way to me.
-Didn't smell that way, either.
-The name is Rod.
-Of course, of course.
Rod.
-Grr.
-I'm "Jeeter." [Jee-tah]
-The fast land animal.
-Your friend over here is Banjo.
-He came from Alabama
on my knee.
-And my gregarious follower
over here is Fats.
-That's self-explanatory.
-And this is...
-Hello, Betty.
-Or I should say that is Linda.
-Cool it. Cool it, man.
Cool it.
-He's not worth it.
-Now, where was I?
-I think you were
stinking up the joint.
-What are you,
uh, doing around here?
-Why does it concern -- Ahh.
-Alright, take two.
-Well, where you staying?
-Nowhere as of now.
-Motel 6?
-Well, then, uh,
may I give you an invitation
to share our humble chateau?
-Your hat?
-It's not very much,
but it's, uh, what we call home.
-What you call home,
Rambo calls hell.
-My invitation was by no means
extended without reason.
-Mm-hmm.
-You see, I have a business
proposition to offer you...
-Hmm.
-...which could mean
a lot of bread
and, uh, an unlimited
expense account could be yours.
-That means security for you
and your loved ones.
-Go ahead. I'm listening.
-No, no.
This is not the place,
nor the time.
Please accept my invitation
to share our humble pad.
-Uh, look, now, is it your pad
or your hat?
-Okay.
-Uh, will I have to sleep
with the stinky guy?
-Fine.
Linda, baby, come here.
-[Deep voice] You rang?
[Burps]
-Baby, I want you
to meet Rod Tillman.
Rod, say hello to Linda.
-You'll be playing the first
round together.
Your category
is World Geography.
-Listen, baby, take my bikeand ride Rod out to our chateau.
-[Normal voice]
Now it's a chateau again.
-He's going to be spending
a little time with us.
-Sure, Jeeter.
-Hmm.
-Hey, what gives?-Well, aren't you going with us?
-We have, uh,
a little unfinished business
to attend to.
-Yeah, they got to go past
the LaBianca place.
-We'll be out shortly.
-[Chuckles]
[Guitar plays discordantly]
-Ooh, hey, you play that
as well as he does.
-Nice guitar. Not!
[Indistinct conversations]
-Uh-huh.
-[High-pitched] Hey, Rod,
let me out of this suitcase!
Please!
For God's sake, let me out!
[Normal voice]
Oh, I love meeting new people.
-Hey.
It's Jason on the action cam.
♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun,
dun-dun-dun-dun ♪
-Yeah, hop on, baby.
-Okay.
-We're gonna go.
-Alright.
-Wango!
-Ze-Tango!
-Hoo-hoo-hoo!
-You know, we got to find a way
to sew up the copyright
on those Hells Angels logos.
These are going nowhere.
-I think we ought to teach
those college creeps a lesson.
-Physics or trig?
-Oh.
♪♪
-[Sighs, chuckles]
-Oh, metal shop.
-[Chuckling] Yeah.
[All chuckling]
[Laughter]
-Hey, hey, don't let 'em know
we got beer, okay?
Be cool.
-No! Kill the band!
-Yeah.
-Hey, creep.
-Uh, it's "Brandon."
-You talking to me?
-You and your friends are
the only creeps in this joint.
-[Slurring] "In this joint."
-What's going on?
-Enjoy your dance
with our little mama?
-That was your mom?!
-Look, I just danced with her.
There was no harm done.
-Hey, you don't dig.
Our little mama's
like a virgin goddess.
-Well, sorta.
-And no creeps --
no creeps are allowed
to touch her.
-Only union members
and their families.
-Mm-hmm.
-Hey, these cats are really
way out, aren't they?
-They're totally bonkers!
-Let's just forget it and blow.
-Like I said,
there's no harm done.
-No, baby, there's no harm done,none physically...
until now.
-Whoa!
-Ohh!
-Check, please!
-Ohh!
-Ooh!
-There's never a waitress
around when you need one.
-Oh, definitely not
gonna tip them now.
-[Chuckles] Ohh, shiny object.
-Pshoo!
-I like it. Heh.
[Indistinct conversations]
-Ahh. Let's savor the moment.
-Are you gentlemen ready
for the road?
-[Sniffs]
-Deh-heh-heh.
-Yeah, baby, yeah,
anything you say.
-Uh, do we tip 15%
or 20% on a rumble?
[Chuckles]
-Yeah.
-Oh, my goodness.
Oh, somebody help him.
-Lead the way.
-Not yet.
-Uh, uh, look, look.
-Look, he's got a red hat.
-Ahh.
-Oh, that's a shame.
-Tickle, tickle.
Does that bug you?
Does that bug you?
[Chuckles]
-Somebody go get him.
-I want my mama.
-You're nice.
-We're here all week.
Enjoy the buffet.
-Man, did you see how...
-Ohh, boy.
-I like my job too much.
-I know.
That's the thing
about a job like this.
I never think I have to go
to work tomorrow.
I just love it that much.
-Uh, did we remember
to punch out?
I -- I can't remember.
-Ah, life.
-Yeah.
-Whoo!
-Mm-hmm.
-Ahh!
-Artsy-craftsy.
-Wow, look at all
those books up there.
-Yeah, "Leaves of Grass."
-"Trump: The Art of the Deal."
-"Mein Kampf."
-"The Essays of Pat Buchanan."
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
-Bright lights bug me.
-Yeah.
-This makes everything
much more cozy.
-So, how long you been working
on the David Dukes
campaign, honey?
[Engines revving]
-Whoa! Those trees are loud!
-Yikes!
-Oh.
-Yeah!
-Whoo!
-Wow.
[Revving continues]
-Wow, it sure
is dark out, isn't it?
-Two roads diverged
into a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not take
my hog down both,
and be one traveler,
long I stood.
-You've beat the stuffing out
of three preppies
and given away the girl,
but before the day is through,
you'll take enough drugs
to kill a horse.
Now it's Miller Time.
-♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-bum
-Guys, it doesn't get
any stupider than this.
Yow.
-Boy, you know,
it's really dark.
-Really dark. Boy, is it dark.
-Very dark.
-Pitch black out here.
Can't see a thing.
-They got their sunglasses on.
-Must be a new moon.
I don't know.
It's so dark.
-Very bright for darkness.
-Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
-[Slurping]
-Oh, boy, you taste
like Joseph Goebbels.
-If those three bosom buddies ofyours are due here any minute,
I want this place
lit up like Broadway.
-They say the neon lights
are brighter on Broadway.
-Fantastic.
-Mm-hmm.
-Three on one is not much fun.
-Says you.
-A poet yet.
-[Squeaking]
-Orange Cappuccino?
Suisse Mocha?
-[Imitating
The Penguin laughing]
[Engines revving in distance]
-Ahh.
Celebrate the moments
of your life
with General Foods
International Ripple.
-[Laughs]-Alright, we better split, guys.
-Oh, yeah.
-Okay.
-[Chuckles]
-Oh, for fun.
-[Laughs]
-Gosh, Joel, that biker guy
sure is sleazy,
but, boy, what a vocabulary.
-Yeah, he's quite eloquent
for a piece of low-life scum.
-Oh, well, you guys might be
surprised to find out
that a lot of the great thinkersof this century
actually rode
in motorcycle gangs.
In fact,
I've got a few drawings --
-Oh, don't tell me.
You've prepared a presentation
using artist's renderings.
-Right.
You know,
you read me like a book.
And anybody who reads
a lot of books will know
who the Algonquin Round Table
was.
-Of course.
Uh, Alexander Woollcott,
George S. Kaufman,Robert Benchley, Dorothy Parker.
-Right. Well, I've got
this drawing here.
Bring it in a little bit,
Cambot.
-Yeah.
-Here's the group.
Here's their gang.
It's called Satan's Sardonics.
Now, these guys terrorized
the whole East Coast
until one day they were
unexpectedly wiped out
in a rumble with the cast
of "What's My Line?"
-Wow, I guess that Bennett Cerf
is tougher than people thought.
-Yeah.
Now, when you think of a tough,
macho writer
who writes in a tense,
hard-boiled style,
who do you think of?
-Uh, Truman Capote?
-Exactly.
-Wow.
-See?
His gang, Oscar's Wild Ones --
they were leather boys --
were all the rage until
Norman Mailer's gang,
Hells Egos, mixed it up
with Gore Vidal's gang,
the Vidal Sassoons.
-Boy, sounds pretty messy.
[British accent] If they don't
look good, we don't look good.
-Yeah, there was gel and mousse
for miles around.
The carnage didn't end
until they all joined forces
and finally beat up...
Dick Cavett.
-[Normal voice] Alright.
-Well, at least we know all
that's in the past now.
-Oh, no. Are you kidding?
The intelligentsia's
duking it out
on Harleys more even now.
-No.
-Yeah, sure. Check it out.
Here's Ted Koppel's gang
right there.
They're called the Bloods.
Yeah, he's finally the toughest
of them all
'cause they're riding
with Stephen Hawking now.
-Wow.
-They beat Bill Moyers' gang,
Moyers' Marauders, even though
Bill rode with Joseph Campbell.
Everyone thought Joseph Campbellwas tough,
but that was just a myth.
-Joel, I hope you always
let us ride in yourgang.
-Yeah.
-Sure, no problem,
just so long as you don't mess
with my old lady.
-Oh, fight us off
with a stick, Joel.
-[Sobbing]
-Aww.
-Oh, that's just great.
Crow, you know she's --
-Way to go, Crow.
-Crow, you know she's
especially sensitive right now.
-I'm sorry.
-Geez, what a dickweed.
-Dickweed.
♪♪
[Laughter]
-Oh, wow. So --
So, you see, there really
are a lot of brilliant bikers.
-Yeah.
-That's amazing.
-Like these guys.
-[Slurping] Bleh.
-[Burps]
-You know, I feel a little bit
uncomfortable,
but I need to network.
-Mm-hmm.
-Nothing like a little vino
to soothe the palate
after a dusty road.
-And the wine is good, too, sir.
-Who's got to use the helmet?
-[Chuckles]
-Hey, baby.
-Hey, baby.
-You remember that little
college banana
you were dancing with?
-Yeah, well, now he's
a banana split
with nuts on top. [Chuckles]
Whoo!
-He's missing his face.
[Chuckles]
He's missing his face.
-Now, Banjo, such talk
might upset our guest.
-Ahh, room temperature.
-We want nothing
but pleasantries.
-Who the hell are you, Falstaff?
-Look, Jeeter, let's cut out
all these formalities
and lay the chips on the table.
What's happening?
-I love you!
-[Laughs]
-[Chuckles] -Huh?
-I like this guy.
I really like him.
-He's too square, baby,
a real square.
-Look, you just keep trying
to put that square peg
in a round hole,
and everything will be fine.
-Gentlemen, peace.
-What did he mean by that?
-Peace.
If we're to be
one big happy family,
we must live in tranquility.
-I love it when
he talks this way.
-Okay, Jeeter.
What do you want from me?
-Sit down, Rod. Relax.
-[Southern accent] Sit a spell.
Take your shoes off.
-You too, Banjo.
-Pbbbbbbbbbbbbt!
-[Normal voice] Pbbt!
As you might have surmised,
my happy little group here
is from California.
-Uh, Stanford, right?
-We're strangers
to this Southern countryside.
We need a guide, a chauffeur,
if you will,
to drive us around this
countryside every so swiftly.
-It smells.
-Uh, you're the
stinky guy, right?
-Let Jeeter finish his epilogue.
-Well, it's more of a monologue,really.
-You're right, Rod.
We're bad.
Bad, bad people.
-Does he mean bad-bad,
or good-bad?
-Sinbad.-We do all sorts of evil things.
-We're opening our own S&L.
-Real kicks.
-Yeah. Lucky Charms.
-And Honeycomb.
-They're very lucrative.
-Thanks, but, uh, no thanks.
-Hey, let the man finish.
-There's a whole number
he does at the end.
-We need you, man.
-[Whispers] Join us.
-We need you real bad.
Oh, we're --
we're good on bikes,
but, uh, cars
are a different tale.
-Apparently they have
more wheels on them
or something like that.
-Look, man, the newspapers
told a story how you
got wiped out.
-It's not out yet,
but I'm heavily connected.
-Driving stocks for someone
else, you get peanuts.
-Yeah, but junk bonds,
now, they're a different story.
-Bang.
One flame-out, and that's it.
But with us, a couple of drives,
and it's Moneysville
for a lifetime.
-Plus good benefits, medical,
dental, 401[k].
-Hmm.
-Yeah, I could see you
in the future
with at least four chains
on your right shoulder alone.
-Wow.
-Hey, there's no smoking
in here.
-Okay, what do you got in mind?
-An armored car...-An "armored dillo." [armadillo]
-...bank.
Just like the Roaring Twenties.
-Only, uh, many years later.
-None of that fancy James Bond
stuff, no secret-agent jazz.
Just plain old-fashioned guts.
You know, like Dillinger,
"Pretty Boy" Floyd.
-Michael Milken,
Leona Helmsley, you know.
-Now, what if I refuse?
-Well, you get to keep the girl
as our gift to you.
-I'll have kicks, baby, morekicks than I've ever dreamed of.
-So, that would be about four?
-[Sighs]
One question --
what's with that boy?
-Oh, he's got
a thyroid condition.
He can't help his weight.
-He used to be the Big Kahuna
of the surfing pack,
and then one day
he got wiped out.
The board caught him
in back of the head.
He ain't never talked since.
-Ah, the brains
of the operation.
-We love him just the same.
-But, uh, he can't love us back.
Don't we, Fats?
-Oh, shouldn't have had
that Cobb salad.
Ohh.
-You gonna join us?
-[Whispers] We're a fun group.
-[Whispers] Join us.
-Sorry, friends.
But I like these clothes,
and I'm not about to exchange
them for a suit of stripes.
-Oh, but at Foreman & Clark,
you can get a second suit
for just a dollar.
-Easy, Banjo. Easy, baby.
-Banjo, de-tune
your G-string, baby.
-Look, Rod...
-He hasn't been the same
since The Nitty Gritty Dirt Bandbroke up.
-...why all the picking
of the brains?
-Well, I'm starting
my own company.
-Let's just say I wanted
to find out
if your offer was legit or not.
-You gonna let him
get away with this?
-Uh, you sure it wasn't Banjo
that got the board
in the back of the head?
-No. He was caught for six hoursin a transverse axle.
-I'm a very patient man.
-But I hate bank lines.
They bug me.
-Well, if, uh, that's all,
I guess I'll be going.
-Ahem! Well, I had a great time.
You'll have to come
to my shotgun shack sometime.
Take care of your head
injuries, guys.
-Let's exchange cards.
Contact my people.
-Banjo, baby!
Where's your manners?
If the man wants to go,
let him.
-Please, baby...
-I'll cut your guitar, man.
I will.
I'll cut you a new
sound hole, man.
-He can go.
♪♪
-Uh, well, uh, thank you, then.
It's, uh, been a pleasure.
[Chuckles nervously]
♪♪
-Well, let me just say I wish
your business the best,
and thanks for all the wine
and the use of your chick
and everything.
♪♪
-That's, uh --
That's the closet.
-I hate these curtains, man!
-Why'd you let this guy
get away?
-You let him in our plan!
-[Muttering]
-[Muttering]
-I said quiet!
-What is this,
"The McLaughlin Group"?
-Our intentions, not our plans.
-Yeah.
-But why'd you let him go?!
-Because he'll be back.
-We got his keys.
-Just give him a month.
No. Two weeks.
When he gets hungry,
he'll be back.
-Hungry in two weeks?
-Artsy-craftsy.
-Ooh.
-Damn. What was I thinking?
I'll never get
a second interview.
I should send them
a thank-you letter, though.
Note to myself --
never negotiate with bikers
hopped up on goofballs.
-Hot damn.
[Insects chirping]
-[Humming]
[Dramatic music plays]
-It's showtime!
-Just hold it right there.
-We've got Moog synthesizers.
We could kill you from here.
-Put it down real slow.
Now raise your hands.
-Now play a G augmented.
Pat him down.
He's probably packing a capo.
-What's going on here?
-He's clean, Lieutenant.
-We're booking you
for impersonating Trini Lopez.
-What's your name, kid?
-They call me Mister Tibbs!
-Tillman. Rod Tillman.
-What are you doing up
in that cabin?
-Oh, networking, you know.
-I met some characters
at a dance,
and they asked me to come up,
so I went.
-Why'd you leave?
-Lousy benefits.
-We didn't see eye to eye
on a few things.
-And if they jumped off
a bridge, would you?
-What'd they want?
-Do you mind
if I put my hands down?
-No. That's fine. Put them down.
-Now put them back up again.
[Chuckles]
Didn't say "Simon says."
Whoo!
-Hey, nice caboose.
-Mm-hmm!
-So, what do you want to hear?
"Melancholy Baby"?
"Canadian Sunset"?
-How about some coffee?
-Yeah, that sounds good.
-Bavarian Mint?
You can keep the mug.
-So, I'll continue.
What did they want you for?
-You got any of those
little finger sandwiches?
I'm starved.
-I should say
an ex-stockcar driver.
And it seems that they needed
a wheel man.
-[Chuckles]
-Hmm.
-They're smart, real smart.
-Yep.
-Smart.
-They know we can spot those
motorcycles before a robbery,
so now they're gonna
switch to a car.
-Yeah, cars are harder to see.
-Well, if you know
they're stealing,
why don't you arrest them?
-Oh, we have.
-Hmm.
-No witnesses, no evidence.-No jail, no handcuffs, nothing.
-How come?
-Well, as I say, uh,
they're smart.
They get rid of their guns
after each job.
-Oh, look, they're just
really smart, okay?
-They certainly don't live big.
It's almost as though they're...-Smart.
-...robbing just for
the thrill of it.
-Kicks.
-Hmm?
-Only for kicks.
-What'd you say?
-It's a cereal, man.
Really good.
-They're only in it for kicks.
-Do you think you could
gain their confidence?
-Look, you're not
a real cop, are you?
-Let's say that we didn't leave
the best of friends.
-Did they seem, uh...
-Smart?
-...disappointed when you
wouldn't drive for them?
-Oh, they're really close
to the breast.
-Yeah, I think they
needed me real bad.
-They cried.
-Mnh.
-Look, Rod, I got a plan.
Now, if it works out,
would you be willing to work
for us, work for the police?
-[Gasps] If you'd have me.
-[Gulps]
-It's called
Operation Weasel Snitch.
-Maybe.
Tell me more.
♪♪
-Lieutenant,
you have lovely feet.
-It's Joe Namath!
Uh -- Oh, no.
-Aw, no.
It's Marcia Brady, all grown up
and back from college.
-Rrrr!
-And she's wearing
her man's Van Heusen.
-Mm-hmm.
-And he's wearing a beer.
-[Snoring]
-Mnh. Oh, yikes.
It looks like Banjo exploded.
There's biker shrapnel
everywhere.
-[Sniffing]
-Ew.
-Whoa.
-Uh, five minutes, Mr. Manson.
-No.
No, Mommy, not the clown suit.
♪♪
Well, I'm glad to see someone's
getting a jump on the day.
-Ah, let's take a look here.
Uh...
hmm.
Anaconda's up three and a half,
American Can down a point.
Oh, look at this.
Zack Norman as Sammy
in "Chief Zabu"?
-Sssst!
-Hmm.
♪♪
-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
-Ahh.
-That's better.
[Engine starts, revving]
-Boss hog.
-Mm-hmm.
-That's right, fatty.
Seize the day.
-Carpe diem.
-Buddy!
Everybody "bup"!
-Everybody get up!
-Get up!
Beat the day!
Rise and shine!
-The milkman's here.
-Duh-buh-buh!
Early bird gets the worm.
-I'm taking dump.
-Whee!
-Everybody up!
Rise and shine!
-[Panting]
-What is it, boy, huh?
What do you see?
-[British accent] "Legs Diamond"got an excellent review.
-Wow.
-Um...
-Oh.
-[Speaks gibberish]
-"The Lockhorns'" wife
burns the dinner?
Husband gets drunk?
I've seen it.
-How interesting.
-Let me see here.
It's -- Oh, I forgot.
I can't read.
-Finally get to tear
these chickens out.
-You just lost 10.
-Are we going to the races?
-Ohh.
-No. We're going to Disneyland.
-Going to the races.
I wouldn't miss
that for anything.
-Unless I die.
[Tires squealing]
-But first let's look
at some footage
from some of the great races
of yesteryear.
This 1951 race ---...triggered a series of spins.
The cars attempt to weave
their way through the pack.
Oh, one car lost a wheel
in what appears to be
a survival of the fittest.
-But is really not.
Whoa!
-Hey, the wheel's winning!
Get back on the track!
-Where are they going?
-Car number 1 is over the wall.
That's Buck Shevrinton
over the east wall.
-But it's far too expensive
to show us.
-Mm-hmm.
-Uh-huh.
-Looks like Buck is pinned
in his car.
It appears it will take a torch
to free Buck Shevrinton.
-Or a really good, uh,
pair of scissors
or maybe one of those hog-head
droppers
they use in the, uh,
meat-packing industry.
-Boy, that announcer's
really smart.
-Ugh. A few nose doughnuts.
[Chuckles]
-Hey, what are you looking at,
jerk? Huh?
Kids are just too damn smart
these days.
Meh.
-Hi, Rod!
Remember, you're undercover!
Don't talk to anybody!
-Shh.
-Everything okay?-Everything's great, Lieutenant.
-Don't call me that.
-Good. Rod's been briefed.
-And we pantsed him.
-Make it look good, Dutch.
-Will do, Lieutenant.
-Good luck.
-Forget I ever met you.
-[Whispers] I love you.
-Nice caboose there, huh?
Oh, he's smart, too.
-I don't like this place.
Gives me the willies.
Hey, look, it's Mount Rushmore.
-Hmm. Mount Trashmore.
[Engines revving]
[Humming]
-After a brief retirement,
Rod Tillman returns here to the
speedway in a new number 57.
-"Old Blue Eyes" is back.
-...regain that old form.
Any racing fans will remember
how Rod narrowly escaped
death...
-Gimme that.
-Oh, that's not nice.
-...crashed and burned just
a few months ago.
-Hey, don't say hi. Geez.
-Well, the driver is missing,
or he's gone.
♪♪
-Bubblehead.
-Hey, two Nobel Prize winners
and a Pulitzer.
What do you think?
-The cars are now ready
for the start of this
100-mile main event.
-Hey, wait until he says, "Go"!
-Boy.
[Engines revving]
-Pbbt!
-Vrrr!
-Well, the starter is ready,
and off they go now
on that warm-up lap,
getting into place.
-[Mimics engine revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
-And off they go!
All speed records should
be shattered today.
-Along with a couple of knees,
some femurs,
and some skulls, too.
-Mm-hmm.
[Engines revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
[Tires screech]
-Whoa!
-Hey, you got a little thing
on your...
-Right there. Yeah.
-Well, that's about it, yeah.
-Whoa! What happened?
-Kind of looks like they're
shooting tungsten out there.
-Uh-huh.
-It's the green cam.
[Engines revving]
-For those of you
watching at home,
we have no idea
what the hell is going on!
[Engines revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
Ah, it's an average day
out here on the A1A,
going up the coast
to Cocoa Beach.
[Tires screech]
[Engines revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
-Grazing in the grass
is a gas, baby.
Can you dig it?
-So, whose girl is she today?
Ah, looks like Banjo's.
-Hm.
-Car number 57, Rod Tillman,
is still having a rough time
out there on the track.
-[Mimics engine revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
-Oh!
-Whoa!
-Hey!
-...off to the side!
57 seems to be out!
No, he's alright!
-Yowza!
-Yes, he's back on the track.
-Unfortunately, he's alright!
-...appears to be alright!
-Hey, did anybody see that
Tom Cruise film this summer?
-Uh, no.
-No.
-Eat it, boy! Eat it!
-[Chuckles]
-Well...
-Ahh.
-Oh!
-Ohh.
-Mnh.
-Oh, oh.
-I have the worst luck.
-Boy.
Get out of there! Come on!
It's gonna blow!
-Quick! Quick! Go!
-Come on!
-Take my hand!
-...out of the car.
He appears to be okay.
-Whoa.
-[As Dr. Zorka] How fortunate!
This will simplify everything!
-[Chuckles]
[Siren wailing]
-Hot car in the old Rod tonight.-[Chuckles]
-That was fun.
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, what a day.
-I love it.
-Oh, yeah, crown me fool.
Crown me fool.
Everybody line up
and take a big, steam--
-[Clearing throat]
Uh, thank you, sir.
Merry Christmas.
[Engine revving]
So...
-Gee, Wally.
-[Clicking tongue]
-Mm-hmm.
-Tough luck, baby.
-It's Dondi!
-Yeah.
-Yeah. Tough luck.
[Sniffs]
What are you guys doing here,
anyway?
-We thought maybe you'd like to,uh, reconsider.
-Unh-unh. No way I'm gonna be
in a dumb biker film.
-[Coughs]
-Look, I've had
racing up to here.
I'm sick and tired
of every grease monkey
who can climb behind a wheel
running me over.
Is your, uh, offer still open?
-I think something
can be worked out.
-Fatty, get the surfboard.
-We'll get you on medical
and dental right away.
-Let's split, man.
-Okay, I'm with you.
-Think they're talking
about his head?
-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah, let's go.
-We got to scram now.
-Yeah. Give a hoot.
Don't pollute.
-Can't watch that.
-Boy, they're smart.
-Looks like they fell for it.
-For Rod's sake, I hope so.
♪♪
-We'll be right back after
this important message.
Let's go.
-Get the box. You ready? Cue.
-Hey, kids!
-Yee-hoo.
-Whoo.
-Two, one, two, three.
-♪ We're wild rebels
♪ Crunchy, fruity rebels
♪ Pouring milk on them
is like shooting off a gun ♪
-It's Wild Rebels cereal,
the nutritious cereal
that's like getting hit
in the back of the head
with a surfboard of flavor!
-Look, Marshmallow Fatties!
-Sugary Lindas!
-I got tangy, twangy Banjos!
-Crunchy Oat Rods!
-And Jeeters, too.
Die, Jeeter, die!
-Kids?
What are you doing in there?
-Having a good breakfast, Mom!
-Pour on the milk!
One, two, one, two, three, four.
-♪ Wild Rebels
♪ Punchy, crunchy rebels
♪ Don't bust your teeth
on something sweet and hard ♪
-Wild Rebels cereal,part of this complete breakfast.
-Hey, there's a cheap surprise
inside!
-I got a gun!
-I got a sawed-off pool cue
with a leather strap!
-I got a chunk of hose
filled with lead shot!
-Alright, let's take it home!
-♪ They won't get soft
or squishy ♪
♪ Better eat 'em,
or you're a sissy ♪
♪ Just pound 'em down,
you stupid clown ♪
♪ They're wild
-Wild Rebels cereal --
Just eat 'em.
-Oh! We got a movie sign!
♪♪
-Wild, fruity, kooky pebbles.
-Mm-hmm, nutty.
-Here.
-Huh.
Hey, they're going
to the turd museum.
-Wow.
World's largest.
-World's largest.
-Yep.
-Ride 'em.
[Engine shuts off]
-Remember, baby, don't signal usuntil he's beddie-bye.
We don't --
-Don't sweat it.
I know what to do.
-What, does she have
a babysitting job?
They gonna knock
over a preschool?
-[Laughs]
-Geez.
-He's so strong.
I love him.
-Ooh.
-Whoa. Hey, hey. Oh.
Hi.
Welcome to the 12th century.
-Is this Bruce Wayne's house?
-I don't know.
-Say, he's not bad.
Mmm. Oh.
Oh. That's me.
Oh, excuse me.
-Are they robbing a bait shop?
-Hmm.
Winchester 408,
200-grain bullet
with 2,400-feet-per-second
muzzle velocity
and an incredibly
flat trajectory.
Hmm. High-powered rifle.
Like. Hmm. Neat. Good.
-Hey, this must be where
the South bought all the
stuff for the Civil War.
-And the Spanish-American War
and the War of 1812 and...
-Oh, Paul, have you ever
robbed a bait shop?
-Ah, I don't think so, Dave.
-[Laughs]
-Good morning. May I help you?
-Oh, why, yes, you may.
We've been bothered
by prowlers lately.
-Mm.
-And with my husband
out of town,
I feel I should have a gun.
-[Chuckles]
Nothing like the wily charms
of an attractive woman
to get an old man off his guard.
-With all the unsavory people
in the world today,
you need protection.
-Yes. Yes. Yes!
-Alright!
-What kind of a gun
did you have in mind?
-Oh, I'm going to leave that
100% up to you.
-Wow, check out the Ray Kroc
death mask up there.
-Cool.
-Here's one.
-Ah, now, this is the one
that Ruby used to shoot Oswald.
-This is a very popular model
with the ladies.
-Oh, if you recommend it,
I'm sure it will
suit my purpose.
-Mm.
-Can you show me how it works?
-Surely.
-Okay. Stand against that wall.
-First you insert
the clip like this.
-Thrusting it manfully
into the chamber.
-Then you pull back
the slide, like this.
-Yes.
-See, this puts a bullet
up in the chamber.
Then all you have to do is
pull the trigger.
[Gun clicks]
Here. You try it.
-Try it on me.
-And remember --
this is the safety.
-Oh. Well, let's see, now.
Uh...
-Uh-huh.
-You put on the safety...-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
-...then pull the trigger.
-Wrong.
-No.
First you put in the clip.
-Oh. First the clip.
-Ooh. I see.
-Well, you're putting it in
backwards. Let me help you.
-Uh-huh, uh-huh.
-Oh, I see.
-There you go.
-Oh, wow.
-What is this,
a Shedd's Spread commercial?
-I'll take it.
-That'll be $79.95, plus tax.
-I'll need some bullets.
-Oh, this is my rifle.
This is my gun.
One is for retail.
The other's for fun.
-Yes. Yes. Yes! She likes me.
She likes me.
She's buying it.
Oh, don't screw it up.
Okay, calm, calm.
She's buying it.
Ooh! Ooh!
-Here we are.
-[Clears throat]
I'll throw these in
as a gift from the house.
-And you get
the sneaker phone, too!
-Oh, how nice of you!
Would you mind
loading the gun for me?
-Ooh.
-How stupid of me.
-Ah.
-He's loading it.
Ahh.
-Very interesting.
-Hogan!
-Relax.
-Schultz!
-She's a born actress.
-She's no Streep.
-She's performing.
-There we are.
Always remember
to keep the safety on.
-And if you can't remember,
name it after me.
[Laughs]
A little gun shop joke.
-Let me get you a nice box
to wrap that in.
-[Clears throat] Crow.
-Uh, I'd like to return thesebullets to their original owner.
-Ha ha!
First rule of gun safety --
You never point a gun at anyone.
-Not even if you're going
to rob them?
-No, not even if you're gon--
Huh?!
-I beg your pardon?
-Just do what I tell you,
and you'll live to tell your
wife this shocking experience.
-Now, just a minute!
[Gunshot]
-Sounds like she shot him
with a staple gun.
-Hmm.
-Banjo, quite playing yourself.
Come on.
-Man, I wish these clowns
would learn to wash.
They always play the radio
too loud, too.
-I'll, uh --
I'll just wait here then, huh?
-My mother told me to...
-Yee-hoo!
-Hey, he looks like
Michael Caine in "Zulu Dawn."
-Mm-hmm.
-This is gonna make us
righteous, man.
Look at it!
-Yeah, baby.
[Cash register dings]
-[Chuckling] Oh!
Wait till you see what I've got!
-Uh, cleanup on aisle three,
please.
-Ohh. Ouch.
Oh, you got to be careful
doing that.
-Oh!
-Whoo!
-Uh, we're gonna
need a cart here.
-Oh, look at this.
[Laughter]
-Now, let's watch
as Benny Hill buys a gun.
-I love you.
I really love you.
Yep.
-[Imitates gunfire]
-Uh, they do have bullets there.-[Laughs] Banjo!
[Gun clicks]
Hey, what do you got, Banjo?
-Uh, it's called a gun, dear.
-Unh!
-You know, I think he's funnier
than Benny Hill.
-Yep.
-Definitely.
-Blue Light Special
on chromosomes --
extra ones.
-Come on! Let's go!
-Yeah.
-Okay, come on.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
We can't play in here all day.
-Not the hat.
It makes you look stupid.
-Ohh.
-Come on. Let's go.
-[Imitates gunfire]
-Move it. Come on. Let's go.
Come on, baby.
-Come on. 10 items or less.
Let's go.
-Well, at least
they're not concealed weapons.
-Yeah.-They'd get in trouble for that.
♪♪
A modest assortment.
-Banjo, Fats,
get some ammunition.
-How they gonna remember
what kind of guns they got?
-This is the movies, Crow.
Bullets are bullets.
-Oh.
-Just relax, baby.
It'll only be a minute.
-We need bullets.
We need bul--
How we gonna kill anybody
without them, huh?
-Uh-huh.
-Kind of a pre-shooting
shopping spree.
-Looks like...lunch.
-Wow!
-Mmm.
-Dynamite, dynamite.
-[Giggling]
-[Chuckles]
Red ones and red ones
and, uh, red ones and...
-Shake a leg, baby.
Two, four...
-[Clears throat]
[As Elvis] ♪ Love me
Thank you very much.
Uh, now I'm gonna have a peanut
butter and 'nana sandwich.
[Guitar plays]
-I wonder if he knows"London Bridge Is Falling Down."
-Yeah.
And "The Girl from Ipanema."
-Okay...
-Thank you.I call that the devil's tritone.
People go crazy for it.
-Is this bugging you guys?
I mean, just let me know
if it's bugging you.
It tends to annoy some people
sometimes, and I find that I --
I don't know.
Is that bugging you?
-I said quiet!
-Ah.
I don't know that one, but thisone's called "Put a Sock In It."
-I think it's best
if you both cooled it.
-He's making me nervous
with that guit-fiddle.
-Sit down.
-I mean, it's pretty and all,
but quit it.
-Sit down.
-Hey, get that shotgun
to sing a song.
-Rod, can the music.
-Canned music?
No way. I'm an artist.
I have values.
-[Strums guitar]
-Mm-hmm.
-Thank you.
Look, cats, now that
we got our arsenal...
...it's gonna be kicksville
from here on out.
-I'm being
transferred to Kicksville?
-Linda, baby,
go get me those layouts
you drew up.
-On the laser printer.
-[Grunts] Ouch. Owie. Stingy.
-Ohh.
-That's got to hurt.
-Ouch. Too tight.
-Ee, ee, ee, ee. Ee, ee, ee.
-Ohh, ow, ohh, ohh. Oh, oh.
-Hmm.
-[Sneezes] Oh, excuse me.
-Gesundheit.
-Gesundheit.
-Oh, there's Don Ho's jacket
up there.
-Let's see.
"We hold these truths to --"
Wait a minute.
This isn't right.
-...taking in all that
psych time in the afternoon...
-I've been taking
a correspondence course.
-...I've had our little actress
here out performing.
-Mm-hmm.
-She cased some pads
that are filled with more bread
than you ever dreamed existed.
-Whoa, that's a lot of slang
for one sentence.
-You're out of sight, baby.
-Yeah, well, you better
put your bifocals in.
-Real, real righteous.
-[Smooching]
-Ugh!
-Ahh.
-Banjo, I believe you're next.
Fatty, wait your turn.
-Now, if my little flock
will gather 'round...
-[Bleating]
-...I'll show you the scene
for tomorrow.
-Will I ever be as smart
as that guy?
I just don't think so.
I don't think I'll do it.
-Uh, boss. Um, I --
I made some bars,
but I can't get the oven
to preheat.
Can you help me?
-He's out of sight, baby.
He's okay.
-Why take a chance?
-He's in plain sight, I think.
-You can brief him
on the way tomorrow.
He's only the driver.
-Rod...
-Uh, Rod, uh,
we need a few more people
nibbling on me here.
Come on over.
-Go out and serenade the moon.
-Wear a necktie
so I know it's you.
-What's the matter?
Don't you trust me?
-Let's just say...
-No!
-No!
-...security precautions.
-Okay.
Security precautions.
Give us another one.
That's fun.
-[Sighs] Okay, it's your race.
-Mm-hmm.
-Mm-hmm.
-White Nazi race.
-But if I'm gonna be the driver,
you're gonna have to tell me
what's happening.
-Well, there's a steering wheel
and a pedal --
Oh, would you just
get out of here?
Crazy kooky-head.
-[Slams table]
-Ooh.
-That scram bugs me.
He really bugs me!
-We're here, man. Let it out.
-Don't let him bug you, baby.
-Yeah.
-See this shoulder?
It's here for you.
-We need him...for a while.
-Eat. Eat, fatty.
-Fats,
go outside
and keep your eye on him.
-Which one? [Laughs]
-Oh, Fats.
On second thought...
-"On second thought."
-...Linda,
you go out and watch him.
-It won't be so obvious, baby.
-Just let me comb my hair,
and I'll be on him
like a bloodhound.
-[Barking, howling]
-Hmm.
-"Aqualung"!
-"Free Bird"!
-Whoo! "Free Bird"!
-Whoo!
-"Whipping Post"!
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Hey, that's a pretty good G.
Gordon Liddy impression there.
-Mm-hmm.
-Meanwhile, in Africa...
-Oh, yeah.
Oh, let's see.
"If you are not wearing
any underwear, smile."
-Yeah.
-Underwear?!
What...?
-"Note to myself --
get new agent."
"Thank you."
-What's he gonna do?
-I don't know.
-Fold it so no one can read it.
-Yep.
-Mm-hmm.
-And then, uh -- Huh?
-Oh, he's sending it
by carrier vole.
-Uh-huh.
♪♪
-"I've hidden the note."
-We'll be back with
Peekaboo Siding Showcase,
but first [chuckles]
a little of her.
[Chuckles]
-Hmm?
-Huh?
-Uh-oh.
-Uh, quick.
Think fast.
Oh, this'll fool her.
-Yeah.
-There's the signal now.
Run up and get the message,
will you, Bob?
-Ooh, it might be dangerous.
-Ouch. Ohh. Ohh.
-Stingy.
-She must go through
a lot of pants.
-Ouch.
-Hey.
-Ee. Ee. Ee. Ee. Ee.
-Ouch. Owie.
-Hold it.
Hold it, Bob.
-Hold what?
-Now, hold it up to the light.
-Looks like Rod's got company.
-Uh-oh. Uh...
♪ Love me tender,
love me sweet ♪
Thank you very much.
Uh, Elvis has left the theater.
-He's sending
another message now.
-It's a musical message of love.
-Ahh.
-You're quite the troubadour,
aren't you?
-Yeah, and I play guitar, too.
-Just the roving minstrel
at your service, m'lady.
-Well, play on.
-Macduff.
-What would you like to hear?
-Whatever strikes your fancy.
-Personally, I like guys
in clown suits.
-Let me see here.
[Strums guitar]
-Ah, the Wango ze Tango, huh?
-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, nothing like
a moonlit afternoon.
[Guitar playing]
[Indistinct singing]
-♪ What I know
♪ 'Cause I like what I know
♪ About you
-What a jerk.
-Looks like
Frank Sinatra's junior.
-♪ I know
-Thank you, brother squirrel,
for the horn.
-♪ All the ways
♪ And your ways
-Special music by
the Ant Farm Family Singers.
-♪ Please me so
-Ah, good thing
the Nelson Riddle gang
is in the next cottage.
-Maybe I can kill him
with a cigarette.
-♪ About you
-Do some backup.
-♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum
♪ Bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum
♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,
bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum
-♪ But I
♪ Still know nothing
-♪ Bum, bum
-Take it, Chipmunks!
-♪ Bum, bum
-♪ Ooh
-♪ About your secret charm
-Ah, I hope
this isn't a long song.
-Yeah.
-♪ Because I've never
kissed you ♪
-This is a cover of
an old Christy Weasel song.
-New Christy Weasels?
-Yep.
-I thought it was
Up with Weasels.
-I don't know.
-♪ Do, do-do-do
-♪ But
-You talkin' to me?
-♪ One night I will
-Oh.
Oh, got carried away.
-My God, are you okay?!
-Ooh.
-Ohh.
A little B.J. Thomas there.
-♪ Then I'll love
♪ What I know
-Oh, a little flat there,
squirrels.
-♪ About you
-♪ Ooooh
-This must be the B-side
of the 45.
-Ha.
-Next. Thank you.
We'll call you.
-You're out of sight, baby.
Real righteous.
-What does that mean?
-I don't know.
-Thank you. I'm flattered.
-I think.
-Tell me something, Linda.
-Sure.
What do you want to know?
-Does light stand still
on the edge of a black hole?
-What's your game?
Why do you hang around with guyslike Jeeter and Banjo for?
-Hmm?
-They're the greatest.
With them, everything's cool.
Never a dull moment.
-Yeah, just like
the Algonquin Round Table.
-What do you expect to get
out of this game except
maybe 20 years?
What are you looking for,
the high living,
the sports car, the --
-You're not a very good judge
of character, are you?
-Nope.
-You're square, baby,
so square you look like a box.
-Yeah, but there's
a prize inside.
Oh!
-Oh!
-Well, then why?
-The kicks, baby, the kicks.
-The cereal?
-Yeah, kids like Kix
for what Kix has got.
Moms like Kix
for what Kix is not.
-Oh!
-You're flirting with death.
-Speech! Speech!
-You feel alive.
You feel like --
like it's great to be young,
to be free, no ring on
your finger, no home...
-No bell on your toe.
-...no snotty-nosed brats.
-You make it sound so good.
-Just you, alive.
-A bike and a robbery
aren't the same thing.
-Oh, shut up!
Shut up!
-You get your kicks
from that guitar, from singing.
-Yeah. Why?
-You used to get them
from having 400 horses
in front of you and death
staring you in the face.
-Yeah, but that's when he was
in "Ben-Hur."
-It's still not the same thing.
-Oh, yes, it is.
It's the same.
When you look death in the face,whether it's
from behind the wheel or lookingat a policeman's gun...
-Or in the mirror.
-...it's all the same.
-I don't dig you.
-Do you dig this?
-Well, I don't --
[Mumbling]
-[Smooching]
-Are you looking for trouble?
-Well, you won't find it
in my dental work.
-Just for kicks.
-Silly rabbi,
kicks are for Trids.
-[Smooching]
-Is that the signal?
-Well, at least her three
boyfriends aren't homicidal
and looking
for something like this.
-You taste like wet leaves.
-Their love can be dry-cleaned.
-Now, what do you mean by "Mm"?
-I'd like to ask her out,
but I'm afraid of rejection.
-They're neat.
-Mm, mm, mm.
-Ooh.
-What does "Ooh" mean?
-Huh?
-Banjo!
-No -- stiletto.
-Man, you're messing
with private stock.
-Okay, now,
what the hell did he say?
I never -- I haven't understood
a word this guy has said.
-No!
-Uh-oh.
-You dirty...
-Ooh!
-Ohh, that had to hurt.
-Banjo...
-Banjo!-...you're just too high-strung.
-Banjo and guitar together,
and they're dueling.
-I'll bust your face!
-Ohh!
-No, the guitar's gonna beat
the banjo every time, I think.
-You got to stop him.
He's gonna kill him.
-Maybe that's a good thing.
-Mm-hmm.
♪♪
[Laughter]
-Ohh!
-Ohh. Owie.
-Ohh.
-Ohh.
-They're rough.
-Looks like Banjo's
a little out of tune there.
-Ugh!
-Ohh.
-Yeah, tell your friends.
Oh, they're here.
-Yep.
-Eat it, boy! Eat it!
-I oughta cut your throat.
-Go ahead!
Cut it!
There's pain in my blood.
-Kill him, baby.
Kill him.
Kill him, Rod.
He's a loser, baby.
-Ah, he's not worth killing.
-Not worth killing?
Now, don't you ever say that.
-I assume we're getting up, uh,
early tomorrow.
Think I'll call it a night.
-Or an afternoon or whatever.
I can't tell by the light.
-[Chuckles]
Here's your guitar.
-Here's your guitar, yeah.
-[As Elvis] Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I think I'm gonna go
write a song about this.
-What was that all about?
-Uh, he kicked my butt.
Weren't you there?
-Well, baby, did you enjoy it?
-So you want me to vomit every
time another man comes around?
-Well, you do
when I come around.
-Don't mix business
with pleasure.
-Ooh!
-Ow.
-I thought you were supposed
to be tough.
Next time, act it.
-Oh, I hate getting notes
right after the performance.
Ohh!
-Okay, children,
we got a busy day tomorrow.
Let's get some sleep.
-Yeah, come on.
We got early mass.
-[Chuckles]
-♪ Do-do, do-do
-Oh the shame, the shame.
Oh, the pain and shame.
-I'm wigging!
-Whoa!
-Whoa.
Meanwhile, Napoleon Solo
is in Hungary.
-Open channel B.
-Oh, I got to shake the dew
off the old helmet there.
There.
-Hmm.
-Thank you,
magic night-vision binoculars.
-Oh, I got to tinky.
-I got to -- Oh, I got to
go see a man about a horse.
-Ah, what a day.
-Beautiful.
-Ah, it's great.
Look at that --
Ah, you better lock up.
There's a lot of creeps
around here.
[Chuckles]
-Thanks for the groovy charts,
Mr. Squirrel, wherever you are.
-Heavy, guys.
I love this station wagon.
-Okay, now. Everybody in?
Buckle up.
-Crunch.
-Hey! How would you like someoneputting a cigarette out on you?!
-Killer spleef, man.
♪ Figurines, the diet crunch
-Hey, there's something about
that guy that just screams,
"I'm not really a cop."
-Let's see what it says.
It says, "Put me back,
you idiot."
-Hmm.
-Hey, hey, I got
to go tell a tree.
♪♪
-312 to 507.
-312 to 507.
-Ohh.
-312 to 507.
-We were in the car
the whole time.
We weren't doing anything.
-I read you.
Go ahead, okay?
-Suspects just drove off
from house in gray wagon.
-Thanks, Ben.
We'll take it from here.
-Yeah.
-Okay, Charlie, let's go.
-Bye-bye.
-Hey, but we're on break.
-Not anymore.
-Darn.
-Now, Rod, baby,
here's the scene.
As you can see,
we're surrounded...
-Scene 35.
-...by orange groves
to the right
and grapefruit groves
to the left.
Now, what does that spell?
-Fruit salad.
-You're the riddler. What?
-Money, baby, lots of bread.
-So, what are we gonna do --
stop and pick an orange?
-That's crazy.
-Cracks me up.
-You're really righteous, baby,
really righteous.
-Yeah.
-I really dig him.
-So I cracked a funny.
-And you've got a funny crack.
-Hey.
-Well, Citrusville is...
-Hmm.
-...about 20 miles
down the road.
It has this little old bank
that's just loaded with bread.
-Uh, I don't know, but I think
you're talking about a bakery.
-And it's just waiting for
the five of us to slice it up.
-Good job.
-[Humming]
-Sounds easy.
How do we work it?
-Well, Linda baby being the bestlittle actress I know...
-Except for Streep.
-...will make everything
easy for us.
You wait in the car.
Be ready to move.
-The car?
-We'll just go in
and help ourselves
to all of that wonderful...
-There's something coming up
behind us, baby.
-That's the sun, you idiot.
It happens every day
at this time.
-Oh.
-Better play it cool, Rod,
and slow down and see
if they pass us.
-It's Spiro Agnew and Spiro
Agnew in "The Parent Trap."
-Go ahead and pass them.
-Good one.
-Yes, sir.
-507 to all units,
507 to all units.
-Lobe.
-Big lobe.
-...Is now in effect.
-Tikkita, tikkita, tikkita,
tikkita, tikkita,
tikkita, tikkita, tikkita.
-That's "R" for rump.
We're gonna moon them.
Okay, drop trou there, Bob.
-Those guys mooned us.
-Smell like fuzz to me.
-Oh, that's just me.
Excuse me.
-For the first time
in your life, Banjo,
I think you're right.
-Looks like
they're in a car wash.
-Jeeter, if it is the man,
what do we do?
-Just play it cool, baby.
Just play it cool.
-Yeah.
Hit the A.C.
Play it cool.
-...And see what happens.
-What do we do now, Lieutenant?
-We can enter
a biggest ear contest.
-...Into position.
-He wins.
-Go ahead and turn off
into that side road.
-We'll pick up some jams,
jellies, some compotes.
They look like they got
some nice corn on the cob
out this end of the woods.
-Scones, cucumbers...
Crenshaws.
-Okay. Now what?
-Uh, my guess is that the fuzz
is staked out
all along the main highway
between here and Citrusville.
-All -- both of them.
-They reported our position
as we passed them.
-Look, aren't you
jumping to conclusions?
-Yeah.
-Uh-huh.
-Just because two men
passed us in a car...
-Whoa! Whoa! Brake!
-Brake!
Whoa!
-...that doesn't mean
we're being followed.
-Hmm.
Oh, it's just a camera move.
-You'd like for us to walk
into a trap, wouldn't you?
For all we know, you may
be working with the fuzz.
-Mnh.
-Cool it, Banjo. Cool it.
Look, Rod's been with us
every minute of the time.
How could he contact the cops --by carrier pigeon?
-Uh, no.
By carrier vole.
-What now, Daddy?
-This is a map of London.
-Hmm?
-We can't go cross-country.
-And we can't go straight up.
Remember when we tried that?
-If we use the secondary roads,
we could only get to about
maybe two miles of Citrusville.
Then we'd be spotted.
-Hey, why don't you
forget the bank?
-Yeah.
-Forget everything, man.
-Yeah.
-Just go home.
-You forgot the name
of the game, Rod.
-What's that?
-It's kicks.
-Oh, come on.
-Oh, would you shut up
about the kicks?
-Please!
-You didn't learn a thing
last night, did you?
-Well, I did, but I don't think
we can use it rob a bank.
-The first time we went
this way, he was chicken,
through and through.
-No physical violence, please.
-Mental violence.
-Let's just be one big
happy family, okay?
-Yeah, the Mansons.
-Whoo-whoo!
-Huh?
What is it, little fella?
You workin' on your doctorate
over there?
What, a train?
In Deadrock Canyon?
Huh?
-Whoo!
-Fats, baby, I love you!
-You finally figured out
positive ion bonding!
-Simply brilliant!
-Amazing.
-Look, what's he saying?
-The railroad tracks.
-Ooh.
-Cross the railroad tracks.
-Yeah. The railroad tracks.
-We just simply follow
the railroad tracks
into Citrusville.
-Ahh.
The railroad tracks.
-Rod, baby, move it!
-Hey, there's a highway right
next to the railroad tracks.
They'll never find them there.
-Hey, I hear a big,
stupid ending coming, you guys.
-[Humming]
-Citrusville, city of progress,
where everyone is juiced.
-Citrusville -- a great place
to get some orange juice.
Boy, you know,
I bet they could score
80 to 100 bucks in this town.
-Yeah.
At least they haven't, uh,
broken any traffic laws,
either, you know?
-That's good.
If they're able to pull off
the rob-- robbery
and -- and kill somebody,
I hope they at least
get gas money.
-♪ Let's go to juice land
-♪ Let's go to juice land
♪ We're going to juice land
-Hey, look, you kids be quiet,
or I'm gonna turn
this car around.
-Okay, baby.
Pull once around the block.
That'll be your time
to look things over.
-I've just seen the whole town.
-You know, these guys
just plain smell.
B.O., big time.
Icky.
-Cute.
-Mm-hmm.
-4, 5...dollars.
You've broken the bank.
-Thank you.
-Okay. See you tomorrow.
-It's always a pleasure
to do service
with our largest depositor.
-Uh, Miss Hathaway,
Mr. Drysdale's
been looking for you.
-486.
-$486 -- that's what
they've got in the vault.
-That's what they're insured to.
-Good morning.
-Good morning. May I help you?
-Why, yes.
I'd like, uh, $500 in
traveler's checks, please.
-Oh, dream on, lady!
-How would you like them?
-$10s, $20s, or $50s?
-Oh, $50s would be fine.
-With your blood on them.
-Shh. [Chuckles]
-Hey, I found a $5
under this drawer.
We can stay open.
-[Laughs] Let's split, guys.
-Oh, yeah.
-Including your name
and address...
-We're gonna have to mail
the money to you in six weeks.
-Okay. Thank you.
-Thank you.
♪♪
-[Humming]
-I had no idea Gypsy had
such a powerful brain...
-Mm-hmm.
-...running all
the working functions
of the Satellite of Love
and everything.
I even found out
she re-analogued my brain
when I had that computer virus.
-Yep.
Joel must have not told us
for a reason.
-Yeah.
-You know, it's funny
how working outdoors
makes you feel comfortable
pondering such questions.
-Yeah.
I was gonna say how nice it was
not always having to talk
when we're together.
-Yeah, that's neat.
-Oh, here they come.
Uh, Servo, do that cricket noiseyou do so well,
and I'll run lights, okay?
-Oh, for fun, yeah.
Ah, I know exactly how it is.
You know, we're pretty much
the same that way.
You just got to let out steam
sometimes, you know?
This looks like a nice place
to rest, doesn't it?
-It sure does, Joel.
-Yeah.
-You know, Joel?
-What?
-I feel so special.
-Uh-huh. Good. Okay.
Hey, uh, Cambot, I hope
you're getting this.
We'll want to use this
in Gypsy's scrapbook later.
-Ohh.
-Anyway,
I'm just a wandering minstrel
at your service, m'lady.
-Ah, play on, my liege.
-♪ I know what like
-Ohh.
-♪ And I like what I know
-Ooh.
-♪ 'Cause I know what I like
♪ About you
-About me.
-You know, I feel kind of like
Mac Davis on "The Muppet Show."
♪ I know all your ways
-My ways.
-♪ And your ways please me so
-So, so.
-♪ 'Cause I like what I know
♪ About you
-Aww, Joel, hold me.
-Man, you messing
with private stock.
-Let's get him!
-Get him!
Aah!
-I'm in it for the kicks.
♪♪
-I'm glad we cheered her up,
anyway.
-Mm-hmm.
-Yep.
-Sorry about beating you up
and all.
-Yeah, it's okay.
You guys look cute
in those outfits.
-Thank you.
-[Slurping]
Ahh.
-Oh.
Wait. What?
She's gonna hold the place up
with a syringe?
-Anybody move, I get high.
-Mm.
-[Humming]
-Oh, look, it's Scruffy,
the lovable cop clown.
-Yeah.
-Thank you very much.
-You're welcome.
-Jimmy hat.
-Unh!
-Whuh!
-Ohh!
-Okay, babies, everything's set.
Let's move it.
-He must be psychic.
-The guard's out of the way.
-What do you mean?He's in the middle of the floor.
-Move!
I said move!
Get in there fast!
Move it fast!
You, blondie, over here.
-What, is he speaking
in Sanskrit?
Slow down!
-Fats, you better
go get the money.
-It's code.
-I want firm tummies and a nice,straight dance line.
Come on.
-You get this.
-Oh, great. There's stamps
and some paper clips
and a Garfield sticker and --
Hey, grab that statue that says
"World's Greatest Grandma."
-Hey, look -- $10!
Hey, we're set
for the rest of our lives,
unless we want to buy
a 12-pack or something.
-Hey, they play The Ventures
at this bank.
-Wow, they got everything --
stadium blanket, calendar,
Lincoln coin bank.
-Mm. Oh.
-Look at the bank sign.
It's printed with electrician's
tape on ceiling tile.
-I'm thinking of
growing a Van Dyke.
What do you think, huh?
Yeah.
-Did you see "Cop Rock"
last night?
It sucked.
-Hmm.
Now, if I could just remember
my Aldis code from the Navy.
-Hey, what's with the lights?
-What about them?
-Hmm.
Whoa. Your brights.
-Hey, man,
he's doing Aldis code.
-Help. Help.
-Hey, hey, help us.
-Help.
-Looks like he's trying
to signal us.
-Oh, no, he's just
testing his lights.
Let's go dunk a couple
of spudnuts, eh, Phil?
-Hey, is that their car?
Sounds like they got
a tappet loose.
-Yeah.
-That's better.
-Eh, what's all this, then?
I mean, what's going on here,
boy?
-Well, son,
what's the lights for?
-Uh, illuminating the road
after dark, sir.
-There's three men and a girl
robbing that bank.
-And a baby.
-And a baby.
-Jeeter, it's the gestapo,
and they're talking to Rod.
Let's split!
-No. You'rethe gestapo.
-Linda, Fats, stand up!
Let's go!
-This better not be a joke.
-Well, it is a joke,
but it's still true.
-You stay put, kid.
-Here we go.
Hmm.
-Whoa, that's a nice
wide spread.
He must have had
a modified choke on that.
Hmm.
-Fats, we just hit
a couple of the fuzz.
-Huh?
-What?
-Oh.
-Hold it, creep,
or I'll blow your brains out.
-Yeah.
-Come on. Move!
Linda, hurry up!
-Linda!
-In these heels? Are you crazy?
-Fats, move it!
-Ohh!
-Okay, coming boss.
-Nice tag.
[Alarm rings]
-Oh, school's out.
Recess, everybody.
[Ringing continues]
-Okay, now, we all saw
the Zapruder film.
You be Kennedy.
-He signaled the men.
-[Speaks indistinctly]
-Hmm?
-What?
-What?
-Man, that wasn't
a very nice thing to do.
-If Banjo's telling the truth,
why don't we just dump him now?
-'Cause this creep is gonnaget us away from the little men.
-Mm.
-He's gonna drive the race
of his life.
Put your foot to the floorboard,man. Move it.
I said move it!
-But remember your seat belt.
Check your blind spot.
Three-point check.
That's better. Thank you.
-No, not this way, man.
My mom will see me. Ohh!
-Come on, man! Earn your money.
Faster. Faster.
[Ringing continues]
-Ohh.
-Oh, you poor officer.
Oh.
Can I get you a doughnut?
-Ugh.
You're kneeling on my chest.
-Help me to my car.
-I'm sorry, but you're dead.
No doughnuts.
-Hmm. Poor guy.
-Yep.
-Mayday! Mayday!
-He used to be a pilot.
-I used too much rouge!
-Four men and a girl just robbedthe Citrusville bank.
-507 to all units,
507 to all units.
Whatever your location,
proceed to roadblock stations
around Citrusville.
-Uh, we are all the units, sir.
-Proceed to roadblock stations
around Citrusville.
-Heh. They're gonna put the
squeeze on them in Citrusville.
-Nelson Riddle
and his Orchestra!
-"Squeeze on them." See?
-Yeah. We got it, bro.
-What's, uh, Citrusville
famous for, you suppose?
-Uh, probably dairy products.
-I wa-- Huh?
-Yeah?
-Police cars
courtesy of Grandma.
-You're doing great, baby.
-Don't call me that at work.
-Hey, that looks like the car.
-Naw!
Couldn't be. They're miles away.-Get ready. Here they come.
-Oh, no.
[Gunfire]
-Ayyy-ahhhhh!
-Ugh!
-Ohh!
-Ooh.
-That'll teach 'em. Whoa.
[Tires screeching]
-Ooh!
-Oh, Calgon, take me away!
-I got one in my hair!
Crawlers!
-Yeah, man.
-Stupid old bun.
-I love it.
Another one for me.
-You know, this really is
kind of fun.
-Whoo-hoo.
-I'm having a really good time.
-Yeah.
-I'll get a Kleenex, Bob.
Stay there.
-Officer down, officer down.
I need bear claws --
I mean, uh, backup.
Send a jelly doughnut.
Uh, I mean send help.
-Gang headed East
on Old Citrus Road.
Just killed my partner.
-And I'm all busted up inside.
Over.
-I'm in pursuit.
[Siren wailing]
-Here comes the fuzz!
-Here comes the fuzz!
Here comes the fuzz!
-Da fuzz is comin'.
-Yeah.
-Yeah. Hey,
he's doing really well.
-Yeah, this is the longest
he's driven
without rolling and burning.
-[Laughs]
-Another roadblock!
Drive through it, man.
Drive through it.
-Yeah. Whoa.
-Oh, you know,
we really should have
blocked the other road, too.
What were we thinking?
-Roadblock detour.
-Down the Yellow Brick Road,
man.
-Guess we're not in Kansas
anymore, dude.
Go kill Dorothy.
-Well, that's kind of like
closing the barn door
after the cows are out.
Come on, dummy.
-Uh, signal your turn, please.
Uh -- Oh, well.
[Tires screech, engine revs]
-What's he gonna do --
shoot at oranges?
-Looks like it.
[Sirens wailing, tires screech]
Oh, now, that's a fire siren.
Come on.
[Gunshot]
[Tires screeching]
I'm huge. I'm immense.
-Hey, look -- Erik Estrada!
[Gunshot]
-Slow 'em down, Banjo.
[Gunshot]
-Two barrels from Banjo
coming up!
-Did he say
"two bowels for Banjo?"
-"Bedtime for Banjo"?
-Would you get your arms and
legs inside this car, please?
-How am doing it?
I don't know.
-Whee, man, we were rolling.
-Gonna get some...
and some rolls and some....
Hey, hey, hey.
Every day, all my love away.
-I'm huge.
By this time,
the old Duke boys
had killed just about
every cop in town.
-Yee-hoo.
-And Daisy had slipped into
something more comfortable.
-Oh, it's a squealing swamp.
Oh, there's the exploding bush.
-Hmm.
-Earn your money.
Drive, baby, drive!
-What do you think I'm doing?!
Oh, look, I'm cranky and hungry.I'm sorry.
-Back into the squealing swamp.
-So, this is the point
where the director said,
"Use everything we shot."
-What's wrong with the car?
-Who's talking?
-Oh, they must have hit
the gas tank.
-Who's talking?
-I don't know.
-You see the lighthouse?
Stop there.
-Lighthouse?
They're in the woods.
-We're going down.
We've lost an engine.
-Lighthouse?
[Siren wailing]
-Oh, it's for Winnebagos.
-Mm.
-Yeah. Lighthouse.
-Well, it's up to the Navy now.
It's out of our jurisdiction.
-Whoa.
-Come on, baby. Move it!
-Whoa! That's too close.
-Mm.
-Stop calling me "baby."
[Gunshots]
-Oh, great hideout.
If they have to spend
any time there,
they can eat the bricks,
I guess.
-Oh, look, they're in
a nautilus, you guys.
-It's like "The Time Tunnel."
[Gunfire]
[Siren wailing]
-Don't shoot the car!
We need that!
-Ooh! Sorry.
I accidentally shot a cop.
Sorry.
-Load it up, Linda.
-It's just like shooting ducks
in an alley.
-I think it's
"fish in a barrel,"
but I know what you mean,
and you'll know what we mean
after this.
[Gunshots, siren wailing]
♪♪
[Gunshots]
-For the glory
of the SLA, Tania!
-I just got a thing
about girls with guns.
I don't know.
-Yeah.
-Hi.
-Here you go, Hoss.
Nice shootin', Little Joe.
-Oh.
Oh, my hair's stuck.
Ohh, ohh.
-I'm old enough to drive
and drink but not be in a war.
What do you think?
-Hey, it's Diana Rigg.
-Join us.
-Getting enough kicks now, baby?
Yeah.
[Gunfire]
If you've got something to say,
say it.
-You killed a tree, Banjo.
[Gunfire]
-Oh! Oh, oh! Oh, oh!
Excuse me.
-I got me one.
I got me a man.
-I'm happy for you.
Now go shoot cops.
-Quite a dance move there.
-Oh!
My head's trying to blow up!
-[Muttering]
-You idiot!
-He's wigging!
-Yep.
-Banjo, don't be a hero!
-Banjo, come back, you idiot!
-Come back, Banjo.
-Ohh!
-Whoa! Ouch!
-Stupid old gun.
-Cover him, Fats!
Cover him!
-Now, wait a minute. Banjo's
about two feet away from --
Look at that --
two feet away from the cops.
Criminy.
[Gunfire]
Uh-huh.
-He's over there. Yeah.
-Whoa. Ooh.
Uh-oh.
-That's pretty good with
a shotgun at that distance.
-Must be using a full choke.
[Gunshots]
-The lousy men got him.
They got Banjo.
-They torched his bike, too.
-Fats, grab the rifle.
Go upstairs as fast as you can,
see if you can pick any of them
off from upstairs.
-Okay.
-Hurry up, Fats! Move!
-I'll be running upstairs now.
[Panting]
[Panting stops]
[Panting]
[Panting stops]
[Panting]
[Panting stops]
[Panting]
-Long way up.
-[Panting]
[Gulps]
-Ohh! They got my foot, Charlie.They got my foot.
-Hey, it's a double helix.
-[Chuckles]
Thank you for
the Crick and Watson joke.
-You know, he's kind of
an easy target --
fat, drunk, and stupid.
I wonder...
-Ehh.
He could never hit him, though.
-No.
-One if by land,
two if by stupid.
Ohh.
-Well...
Hey, I've always wanted
that cool lid.
-Philip Glass music.
Cool.
-Wow, I always thought
only the good died young.
-Live fast, die young, and leavea fat, bloated, ugly corpse.
Heh, heh.
[Gunshots]
Oh, here we go again with him.
-Uh-oh.
-Fats!
Fats, he's coming your way!
Kill him! Kill him!
Hand me the shotgun.
Hand me the shotgun!
-Quick.
-[Panting]
-Yep.
-Oh, I got to quit smoking.
-[Panting]
-[Humming]
[Scatting]
[Humming]
-N-Now -- Now, wait a minute.
Just -- Just wait a minute here.
-I will kill you!
-[Humming]
-[Panting]
Ohh.
-I'm getting dizzy.
-Yeah, me too.
Whoa!
-Hey, that's not
completely fair.
-Nuh-unh.
-Hey, mister, can you help me?
I -- I need some --
-You know,
in a more expensive movie,they would have tossed him over.
-Or at least used him
as a shield or something.
-[Laughs]
-It's filled with Pez.
-Mmm.
♪♪
-He's upstairs.
-Thanks, Fats.
You know, you're smarter dead.
-It's like Johnny Cash music.
-Kill, kill, kill,
die, die, die!
When will it end?!
-I don't know.
-Oh, man, you got
my windbreaker.
This is a Members Only, too.
It's not cheap.
Oh, I'm no good at anything.
I'm terrible.
I can't drive, can't shoot.
What the hell am I good at?
Oh, jeepers, I'll never
get in another movie.
-Poor guy.
-Huh?
-At least the music's gone.
-Ow.
-Well, if it isn't Rod.
-What?
-Uh-oh.
-Yeah, he's getting serious.
He took his sunglasses off.
-Whoa!
-Servo, save yourself!
Get out of the way!
-He's pointing it right --
-[Laughing]
-Whoa!
-See ya later.
-Alligator.
Not!
[Gunshot]
-Huh?
-Huh?
-What gives?
-Aah!
-Oh, he's all bendy
and floppy and stuff.
-Ooh!
Well, that was kind of neat.
-[Laughs]
-Sorry.
-Heavy.
-Yeah, kind of looks like
the beginning of a Bond film,
doesn't it?
-Yeah.
-Hey, there's the girl
with the golden gun!
-Yep.
-[Laughs]
-[Sighs]
-Mm.
It's been a big day.
-I'm just not having
a good week.
-Here.
A gift for you.
-I didn't get you anything.
-Thanks, baby.
-Kicks, baby.
-They're not for Trids.
-Kicks.
It w-was the wildest.
-Kicks just keep getting
harder to find.
-Ugh.
-Ohh.
-Ew.
-You still taste like fatty.
Don't you brush?
-Oh, she's crying.
-Oh.
-Charlie, go on up
and check Fats.
Take her away, Bob.
-Are there kicks
in prison, honey?
-My.
-I'm here, Bob.
-♪ I know
-Here we go again.
-♪ All your ways
-You know, I love that song.
And I like
your Ralston Purina suit, too.
-Mm-hmm.
-♪ Please me so
-Check.
Hey, it's God cam.
-Hmm.
-♪ Oh, I like
♪ What I know
-Hmm.
-♪ About you
-I see.
-Oh.
-Hmm.
-You know, I'm gonna miss her
and all her murderous ways.
-Mm-hmm.
-She was neat.
-Yeah.
In a sick sort of way.
-Mm-hmm.
-Well, Rod, 13 dead cops,
6 dead innocent bystanders,
a couple of dead bikers.
Good work.
I'd like to have you on my team
again sometime.
What do you think?
-♪ I held you in my arms
-Uh, signal the God cam.
-♪ 'Cause I get a kick
out of -- ♪
Oh, wrong song. Sorry.
[Chuckles]
-Louis, this could be the start
of a beautiful friendship.
-Man, when you were tryingto signal me, that was so funny.
I thought you were
kissing the girl.
I thought that was the sign.
Oh, boy.
Well, we can laugh
about it now, but...
-Yeah.
-Whatcha doing, now?
Hmm.
-Do you live alone?
-♪ About
-Would you like to?
-♪ You
-I've had enough.
Let's get out of here.
-Yeah, we should really go.
-Yeah.
-Come on.
-Oh, it's the end.
-You're getting heavy.
You know that? Whoa.
♪♪
♪♪
You know, guys, I feel great.
I'm flying high.
-Huh?
-Joel, how can you feel good
after that kidney stone
of a movie?
Ughhh.
-Huh?
-Yeah, I'm downright depressed.
If I had wrists, I'd contemplateslitting them right now.
-What? Huh?
-This movie was like
spending the weekend
with your dentist!
Ugh!
-Oh, you guys.
Listen, you got
to take it easier.
It's just a movie.
Yes, it was like being pulled
through a dark, tarry abyss.
But it's only a movie.You got to use your intelligence
to abstract yourself
from the pain, you know?
Like, yeah, the writer
was only interested
in shallow stereotypes
of mid-'60s sociopaths.
You just got to deal with it.
-Oh, I see.
The villains were so clichéd,
they were laughable. [Laughs]
-Right. That's it exactly.
-Oh.
And the hero was such a wimp,
his only heroic act
was to flash his headlights.
That's funny.
-Yeah!
-Yeah, you guys.
Keep in mind this is during
the Otto Preminger,
you know, time of film,
you know, like antihero, uh,
plots that didn't go anywhere,
that kind of thing.
-Oh!
So, the hero was supposed to be
unattractive and spineless.
-Exactly.
Now you're surfing on my wave.
-I get it.
-Take it, Tom Servo.
-Oh, um, well,
even though
this was one of the ugliest
extended families
in movie history,
they drove one of the finest
station wagons on the market.
-Hey, that was hysterical!
-Whoo! You know,
you're right, Joel.
Looking at the movie your way
makes me feel great!
-Yeah! I really like
this "Wild Rebel" thing!
-Yee-hoo!
-Yee-hoo!
-What the hell is
going on up there?!
-Really. I thought this film
was supposed to be
an emotional knee-capping
for you guys.
-Heh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Yee-hee-hee!
-Oh, I don't believe it, Frank.
This film had absolutely nothinggoing for it.
-An ugly cast and an ugly scriptdoing really stupid, uh...
[Laughs] I mean, wait a minute.
Think about it, though.
The Citrusville National Bank,
the hypodermic needle
putting the guard out.
I mean, it was so stupid,
it was kind of funny.
It had wit. It had charm.
It was quirky. It was off-beat.
I'm gonna give this one my
highest rating -- five skulls.
Whoo!
-I really thought we had you
this time, "Joely."
Don't you have a letter
to read or something?
-Yee-hoo!
-Whoo-hoo!
[Cheering, laughter]
-iArriba, arriba!
-Alright, alright, okay.
Back it off, you guys.
Cut it out.
Cut the music. Alright.
Alright, it's ti--
We got to read a letter,
you guys, here.
-Oh, letters! Great! Whoo-hoo!
-Okay.
Yeah.
This is an interesting one.
Um, it says, "Dear Joel, I am,
in fact, a scientist --"
[Balloon pops]
-Whoa!
-Whoa. Excuse me.
"I am an PhD immunologist.
I work at
the Pittsburgh Cancer Institute
and study natural killer cells."
What a great term that would be
in a science-fiction movie.
-Yeah. Cool.
-"Perhaps my background
gives me
a particular framework,
but I am a devoted
'MST 3000' fan."
-Aww. That's nice.
-"The letters you read each weekare still from children.
I guess a letter
from a 30-year-old scientist
without any drawings
doesn't have a prayer
in making it on the air,
so perhaps I should
come up with a drawing that's
from a Rebecca P. Shell, PhD."
-Oh.
-Hey, neat!
-And here's the drawing
right there.
-Cool.
-Let's get that on still store
there, Cambot.
-Not bad for a 30-year-old, huh?-Yeah.
-It says, "Who will win --
the natural killer cell
or Tom Servo?"
-Oh, no contest.
-Hey, give us some more music
there, Cambot.
-Alright!
-Yee-hoo!
-Hey!
-Whoo-hoo!
-Whee-hee-hee-hee!
-Okay, we'll see you later.
We're having a great time.
Wish you were here, scientist.
-Hey!
-No, no, no, no.
You win this time.
As for me, I've got to put
Frank down for the night.
Until next time.
-Yahhhhhhhh!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
future ♪
♪ Next Sunday A.D.
♪ There was a guy
named Joel ♪
♪ Not too different
from you or me ♪
♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute ♪
♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit ♪
♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place ♪
♪ But his bosses
didn't like him ♪
♪ So they shot him
into space ♪
♪ We'll send him
cheesy movies ♪
♪ The worst we can find
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪
♪ And we'll monitor his mind
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Now keep in mind
Joel can't control ♪
♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Because he used
those special parts ♪
♪ To make his
robot friends ♪
-Robot roll call
Cambot
-Pan left.
-Gypsy.
-Hi, girl.
-Tom Servo.
-What a cool guy.
Crow.
-What a wisecracker.
-♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪
♪ And other science facts
-♪ La, la, la
-♪ Then repeat to yourself
"It's just a show" ♪
♪ "I should really
just relax" ♪
♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪
-Gypsy, I know. I know.
Hi, everybody. Welcome to
the Satellite of Love.
Gypsy's feeling kind
of depressed today, you know?
A lot of people
don't realize this,
but she has a lotof responsibilities on the ship.
-Yeah, like we don't have any.
-Yeah.
-Hey, now, listen, you guys.
You know, she's the one
who keeps a lot
of the higher-system functions
running on the ship so you guys
can galavant around, alright?
That's why sometimes she's kind
of hard to understand.
-Yeah, that's why she sounds
like Moms Mabley.
-Good one.
-Oh, that's great.
Now, listen, you guys.
I'm gonna have to ask Gypsy
to shut down
some of the higher functions
she's been slaving
so she can free up her mind
and tell me
what's bugging her, alright?
Now, I need --
Now, I need you --
Now, would you guys look at me
when I'm talking to you?
-Oh, sorry.
-Alright, now, I'm gonna needyou guys to finally do some work
around here
for a change, capiche?
Alright.
-Commercial sign in 15 seconds.
Now, Tom Servo, I want you to godown to the maneuvering room
and keep those heat shields
pointed towards the sun.
-Roger.
-Crow...
-Yeah?
-...I need you to do
everything else, alright?
And stay frosty, you two.
-Cool.
-Check, stud.
-Commercial sign in 5, 4, 3, 2.
Commercial sign now.
-[Raspy voice]
We'll be right back.
♪♪
-And so I guess I'm just feelingthe old ennui, you know?
It's nothing.
I'm just a little depressed.
Look, you're busy.
We'll talk about this later.
I'll re-initiate the estradicand phototic systems on my mark.
Re-initiate.
-[Coughs]
Oh, thanks, Gypsy.
I'm really glad we could have
this little talk.
-Richard Basehart!
-Right. Richard Basehart.
That's right.
-Howdy, Captain.
-Hey, stud.
-You know, I had the nicest
talk with Gypsy.
She's a really warm
and wonderful person.
-Uh, Joel,
the scientists are calling.
-Yes. I just feel like
she's my new best friend.
I can't even describe it.
-Well, don't try 'cause
the scientists are calling.
-Yeah.
-Oh, okay.
-Uh, no.
Joel, the button's over there.
-I'll get it.
-Huh?
-For crying out loud.
-Oh, hello, Joel-arini-weenie.
[Engines revving]
Is that funny, Frank?
Have we used that one before?
-Uh, no.
-Well, Joel, it's time
for the invention exchange.
You may wonder why
we're dressed this way.
-I wonder.
-Shut up.
We're dressed this way because
I've lost my train of thought,
and don't you ever interrupt me
when I'm on a roll again.
We're dressed this way
because of the movie.
-We're dressed this way
because of the --
-Anyway, Joel, as you know,
children have long
looked up to cowboys
as role models and vice versa.
That's where we get
the hobbyhorse from.
But today kids are looking for
more sophisticated role models.
Uh, what's that thing, Frank?
-Cuckoo kids looking
for cuckoo kicks.
Uh-yuck, goiii!
-Uh...yeah. Anyway.
-So, what we've done --
And since today's movie
is kind of a biker movie,
what we've done is we've taken
the whole hobbyhorse concept.
We've pared it down a bit,
shot some paint on it,
and what we have here is the --
the hobby hog.
Whoo!
-That's right.
It's for kids who want to get
into concert security.
But we haven't forgot the child.
The saddlebags are filled
with zwieback,
and the tank's filled
with Bosco.
Kick it down, mama jama.
-Hey, I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
Uh, Cambot, could you bring it
out a little bit?
Alright, there's nothing
the fellas and me enjoy more
than a big, juicy, sloppy pizza
before we head on in
for an experiment
in the Mystery Science Theater.
Anyway, this is a thing
I invented.
It kind of puts a high-tech spinon an old standard.
It's the 3D pizza.
I based it on the premise
of the 3D chess
from the old "Star Trek" show.
-It's even better
with the 3D glasses on.
I feel like I'm really here.
-Let's see.
Uh, pepperoni
to anchovy level 4.
Check.
-Wow.
-I've got you now, Mr. Bond.
[Chuckles]
-If you've got extra,
you can take...
-Ahh!
-...and use this neat
pizza lunchbox I invented
and carry it right into
the Mystery Science Theater,
where we're going --
-Joel, that's a trash can lid.
-Oh. Well, you can use it
for that, too.
What do you think, sirs?
[Engines revving]
-I'm sorry, Joel.
We couldn't hear you.
[Engines shut off]
Your experiment today
is called "Wild Rebels."
-It's a cool, swingin',
heavy trip.
Uh-yuck, goiii!
-What is that noise?
-It's just a -- It's just
a sound. That's all.
-I know, but you do it all the
time.
-Goiii! It's nothing, really.
-What does it mean?
-It doesn't mean anything.
-It's about me, isn't it?
-No.
-Ahh! Movie sign!
-Movie sign!
Aah!
-Nice and spicy!
♪♪
-♪ Wild rebels
-Oh, boy.
-♪ We're reckless -I wish I could eat pizza, Joel.
That looks good.
-Yeah.
-Hey, Steve "Lame-o."
Geez.
-[Chuckles] Ooh.
-Hey, Pastrano --
my favorite sammich.
-♪ We're restless rebels
-And the Glaucoma Players.
Boy, I can hardly read this.
How about you?
-Nah.
Nah. Uh...
-♪ We travel in a gang
-There's no way
we can read them all.
-Ahh!
-And here's the people
with the really bad agents.
-Uh-huh.
-♪ Either way,
who gives a care? ♪
-That's impossible.
-♪ No one
-Eh. Catchy tune.
-Okay, is that better or worse?
-Oh, that's a little better.
-Good one.
-♪ Wild rebels
-That's got to be better.
-Yeah.
-How about this?
-Ah, that's worse, yeah.
-Better one, better two?
-Yeah.
Better one.
-Okay. Good.
-Comet Pictures --
a real flash in the pan.
-What's the extra "E" for?
-Well, it's for ex--
-[Coughs] Ixnay.
-I'll tell you later.
[Siren wailing]
-Hmm. Trouble with the car?
-I'm here, Steve.
-Tough break, Rod.
-Oh.
-Man, there's nothing left.
-Uh, I don't think the scene's
over yet, Rod.
Um, yeah.
-There goes two years of saving.
-Well, you shouldn't carry cash
in the glove compartment, Rod.
-Nothing. Nothing.
-Come on, Rod.
You can build another super.
-What, with chewing gum
and spit?
-Uh, no, thanks. I just ate.
-By the way, who are you anyway?-I want to call it quits.
-Hey, Rod, it's all in the game.-And who are you?
-Some game.
-Hmm.
-Okay.
-Paint your house.
-How's my sandwich coming?
-Geez, what a lousy day.
What? What?!
What do you want from me?
-Down the trail of shame
he goes.
-Yep.
-Mm-hmm.
More like draggity-drag.
Poor guy.
Uh-oh.
Here comes the Sermon
on the Gran Torino.
-Alright, come on over here
quick, everybody.
-Uh, blessed are the grease
monkeys, for they will lube...
-Hmm. What does he want?
I wonder what he wants
over here.
Let's go over and see.
Let's all wrap around here.
Get in the shot, everybody.
-Got to stay on camera.
-You might get
something you want.
-Hi. My name's Rod,
and I'm a gasaholic.
-Hi, Rod!
-Hi, Rod!
-This here's an official
auction.
I got a new trailer
over there...
-Hey, nice guitar.
-Yeah.
-...late brand-new tires
and rims.
What am I bid for it?
-Hmm.
-Well, I'll take the gui-- Huh?!-Huh?!
-Well, come on.
Don't be bashful.
What am I bid?
They're brand-new.
-Come on down from there, Rod.
You don't want to sell out.
-I made this movie, didn't I?
-Don't get it.
Alright, now...
-How about these Robert Culp
"I Spy" pants?
-$1,000 rig, brand-new.
$100.
-[Scoffs]
-Ohh.
-You sure you can afford it,
man?
-Okay, I can't, dickweed.
-Ohh.
-That's alright, man. I get it.
-How about if I throw in dinner
and a movie with me?
-200 bucks.
-$20.
-Now, that's more like it.
-$250.
-Alright, $250.
Do I hear $300?
-$400.
-You don't have to go
that high, Walt.
-Bid $400. Bid $450.
-It's worth more. $400.
-Because I love you.
-$425.
-[Scoffs] Bless your stingy
little heart.
-$450.
-What does he mean by that?
-Alright, uh, $475?
-Well, that taps me.
You sold it to yourself, Rod.
-What an idiot.
-Uh, do I hear $500?
$450. Do I hear $500?
-Mnh. [Smacking]
-Oh, now you're
embarrassing them, Rod.
-Hey, "Alien Nation."
-$475?
Alright, $450 once.
-Uh-huh.
-That's it, huh?
-Yeah.
-Poor, stupid dope.
-$450 once.
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yeah. Yeah. Keep going.
-$450 twice.
-$450, three times a lady?
-Alright, sold to my good friendWalt Simpson
for 450 United States dollars.
-Hmm.
-Oh, uh, hey, did I tell you
I was bidding in pesos?
Here's your dollar.
-Get off that Batmobile, creep.
-Look at that dent.
-Look at the bodywork
they have to do on that now.
-You bought it fair and square
for $450,
and that's all I'm gonna take.
-That's all I'm gonna give you.
-$450. Count it. Go ahead.
-I trust you, man.
-Sucker!
-Sucker!
-Sucker!
-What are your plans?
-Get off this film.
-Well, I haven't got any, man.
I just shove off, man...
-Shove off? Wh--
Oh, I know what you're saying.
-Well, maybe.
-Oh, there's my guitar,
at least.
-Huh?
-Hmm.
-Oh, there it is.
-Yeah.
-Well, old buddy,
take care of yourself.
-[High-pitched]
Hey, let me out of here.
I'm a ventriloquist dummy
in this bag.
Please help me! Aah!
[Normal voice]
Darn fool. Hey!
-Alright!
-Hey!
Yeah!
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Looks like some local color
there.
-Yeah. White trash.
-Hey, those guys are marked
clearly as poison.
Don't eat them.
-Huh.
-"If you take these bikers
internally,
do not induce vomiting."
-No, the movie'll
do that for you.
It's like an ipecac.
-An ipe--
Oh, that Genesis album?
-Hey, Tommy Lasorda.
Uh, thanks for the ride,
Mr. Lasorda.
-Now, remember,
just one delicious shake
in the morning and lunch
and a sensible meal after.
-Yeah, whatever.
Thanks for the ride.
Hey, good luck with the footballteam or whatever it is you do.
-Thanks for the ride, man.
-Yeah. Now scram.
-Thank you.
-Huh.
-Hmm.
-Nice place.
-Yeah.
-Hmm. Open --
kind of an open-concept place.
Oh, what are these? Uh...
Kind of funny.
-They're bikes.
-Oh, this one looks like
it's made out of rubber.
-What do you know?
-Go figure.
What's this over here?
-Oh, it looks like it says, uh,
"Kiss me, I'm Irish."
-Yeah.
-Who'd know?
-Oh, would you just get
in the door, please?
-It's kind of like the backyard
of the "Brady Bunch" house.
-Mm-hmm.
Whoa!
-Hey,
good thing we got a wide screen.-Yeah.
Ronald McDonald
shaking his McBooty.
Whoo-hoo!
-Whoo!
-Oh, yeah, I wonder what
they're making butts
out of this year.
-One, two, cha-cha-cha.
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
-Hmm. Well, I'm not too sure,
but it's possible
I just might be
a little too hip for this room.
Let's just see.
♪♪
-"Wild Rebels Cha-Cha."
-Hey, look, they turned
the flying sub
from the "Voyage to the Bottom
of the Sea" show into a bar!
-Richard Basehart?!
-Ah, no, Gypsy.
Unh-unh. Sorry.
-I'm sorry.
-Ohh!
-Mnh. Poor girl.
-Alright.
-Just come to town?
-Just passing through.
-Beautiful guitar you got.
Can you play blues?
-Oh, just 'cause I'm white,
you think I can play the blues?
-Nice.
-What'll you have?
-Hmm.
-Let me have a beer.
-Okay. What kind?
-Cold.
-Now,
remind me to hit you later.
-Hmm.
-What are those three guys
doing, anyway?
-Oh, that's kind of...
-Weird.
-Whoa! Look!
-Whoa!
-Geez.
-Where'd she come from?
-Ahh.
-Sorry. It got warm
as I brought it over.
-Okay?
-Jerk.
-Jeeter.
-Hmm?
-Jeeter, dig the cat at the bar.-Mm-hmm.
-The one with the guit-fiddle.
-Hmm.
Ring around the collar.
-Hmm.
-I really like you,
but we could never wash
our clothes in the same load.
-Hi, handsome.
-Say.
-Does he got leprosy
or something?
-He looks familiar,
real familiar.
-Yeah, he was in the first part
of the film.
-Okay.
-Hey, Fats.
Would you believe
Banjo's in love?
-Okay. Would you believe
mildly infatuated?
How about a schoolboy crush?
-Let's try dancing first.
-Mmm.
Hey, keep my beer cold, huh?
-♪ Bridges I must burn
♪ Can I do it?
♪ My heart says "drive"
-This'll be good.
-Would you like a little pants
with your belt?
-[Chuckles]
-Ladies and gentlemen,
from England, the Femtones.
-Nice haircut.
-Nice vests.
♪ I'll more than try
-♪ My lunch goes...
-♪ My lunch goes "blahhh"!
-Oh, brother. Joel, is this"Catalina Caper" all over again?
-I don't think so, but it's
the same spirit, yeah.
-♪ I know I'll do
-♪ I know I'll do
-[Burping]
-[Burping]
[Coughs, burping]
-♪ Come on, let me in
♪ Love I have to win
♪ Can I do it?
-♪ My lunch goes...
-♪ My lunch goes...
-Blaaaaah!
-Blaaaaah!
♪ Do I love her? Yes, I do
♪ But before she'll love me,
too ♪
♪ There are rules I have to
learn ♪
♪ Bridges I must burn
♪ Can I do it?
♪ My heart says "drive"
-Blah!
-Blech!
-Hey, ladies and gentlemen,
please,
for your viewing enjoyment,
concentrate on the woman.
-Yeah, try not to listen
to the music.
-♪ Girls I must forget
♪ Can I do it?
-Don't look at him,
whatever you do.
-♪ I'll more than try
-Yee-hoo.
-Okay, I can get you Bob Denver.
-As a romantic lead?
I just don't see it.
-No, really.
I know the "Gilligan's Island"
thing typecast him,
but you should see him dance.
-Oh, you're always trying
to pawn off
your has-been TV talent on me.
Hold it.
I got Bill Bixby on line one.
The press agent sketch,
ladies and gentlemen.
-Pretty good.
-We're working on it.
-Nice job, guys.
-♪ Can I do it?
♪ I know I can
-Say.
Oh.
-♪ And I will
-I will.
-♪ And I will
-I will! I willkill you!
I willkill you!
-♪ And I will
-Hey, how did
those guys do that?
How did they fade like that?
-Amazing.
-Hey, are you guys
wearing Toughskins?
[Indistinct conversations]
♪♪
[Indistinct conversations]
-Something for the lady?
-Uh, yes. Just a beer.
That's all.
-Cold.
-I got it.
You know who that cat is?
-Rawr!
-I'm breathless.
Pray tell, who?
-That's Rod Tillman, man.
The hottest of
the Detroit iron boys.
-Oh, a Teamster.
-A real pusher
behind that wheel.
-A stockcar driver, huh?
-Hmm.
-Mm-hmm.
-How interesting.
-But stupid.
[Indistinct conversations]
-Go hit on him.
-Aren't these places phony?
I don't usually come here,
but...
-Sweetheart, go powder
your nose.
-Can I borrow a mirror?
-I beg your pardon!
-You heard the man, baby. Blow!
-Alright, you want me to blow,
or do you want me
to powder my nose?
-You gonna let these creeps
talk to me this way?
-Uh, yeah.
-Look, I don't know what's
going on, but I don't like it.
-Hmm.
-Sweetheart,
crawl back into the woodwork
where the rest of you are.
I don't want to have to mess up
that pretty little face.
-Oh, okay. Oh.
Oh, you're still talking to her.
[Indistinct conversations]
-Oh, this must be taking
on the new crotch cam.
-Mr. Tillman, I presume?
-Yes, Dr. Stanley?
-That's the name.
-Well, uh, we are avid
fans of yours.
-We like your early funny stuff.
-Thanks.
It was fun while it lasted.
-Oh? Do I, uh, detect
a note of resentment
in that statement?
-[Mockingly] Do I detect a noteof resentment in that statement?
-You were hot, baby.
What happened?
-Chicken begin to cackle?
-Leave my chicken out of this.
-No, man.
The bread ran out.
-Oh.So I couldn't bread the chicken.
-Mr. Tillman,
Banjo meant no offense.
-Didn't sound that way to me.
-Didn't smell that way, either.
-The name is Rod.
-Of course, of course.
Rod.
-Grr.
-I'm "Jeeter." [Jee-tah]
-The fast land animal.
-Your friend over here is Banjo.
-He came from Alabama
on my knee.
-And my gregarious follower
over here is Fats.
-That's self-explanatory.
-And this is...
-Hello, Betty.
-Or I should say that is Linda.
-Cool it. Cool it, man.
Cool it.
-He's not worth it.
-Now, where was I?
-I think you were
stinking up the joint.
-What are you,
uh, doing around here?
-Why does it concern -- Ahh.
-Alright, take two.
-Well, where you staying?
-Nowhere as of now.
-Motel 6?
-Well, then, uh,
may I give you an invitation
to share our humble chateau?
-Your hat?
-It's not very much,
but it's, uh, what we call home.
-What you call home,
Rambo calls hell.
-My invitation was by no means
extended without reason.
-Mm-hmm.
-You see, I have a business
proposition to offer you...
-Hmm.
-...which could mean
a lot of bread
and, uh, an unlimited
expense account could be yours.
-That means security for you
and your loved ones.
-Go ahead. I'm listening.
-No, no.
This is not the place,
nor the time.
Please accept my invitation
to share our humble pad.
-Uh, look, now, is it your pad
or your hat?
-Okay.
-Uh, will I have to sleep
with the stinky guy?
-Fine.
Linda, baby, come here.
-[Deep voice] You rang?
[Burps]
-Baby, I want you
to meet Rod Tillman.
Rod, say hello to Linda.
-You'll be playing the first
round together.
Your category
is World Geography.
-Listen, baby, take my bikeand ride Rod out to our chateau.
-[Normal voice]
Now it's a chateau again.
-He's going to be spending
a little time with us.
-Sure, Jeeter.
-Hmm.
-Hey, what gives?-Well, aren't you going with us?
-We have, uh,
a little unfinished business
to attend to.
-Yeah, they got to go past
the LaBianca place.
-We'll be out shortly.
-[Chuckles]
[Guitar plays discordantly]
-Ooh, hey, you play that
as well as he does.
-Nice guitar. Not!
[Indistinct conversations]
-Uh-huh.
-[High-pitched] Hey, Rod,
let me out of this suitcase!
Please!
For God's sake, let me out!
[Normal voice]
Oh, I love meeting new people.
-Hey.
It's Jason on the action cam.
♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun,
dun-dun-dun-dun ♪
-Yeah, hop on, baby.
-Okay.
-We're gonna go.
-Alright.
-Wango!
-Ze-Tango!
-Hoo-hoo-hoo!
-You know, we got to find a way
to sew up the copyright
on those Hells Angels logos.
These are going nowhere.
-I think we ought to teach
those college creeps a lesson.
-Physics or trig?
-Oh.
♪♪
-[Sighs, chuckles]
-Oh, metal shop.
-[Chuckling] Yeah.
[All chuckling]
[Laughter]
-Hey, hey, don't let 'em know
we got beer, okay?
Be cool.
-No! Kill the band!
-Yeah.
-Hey, creep.
-Uh, it's "Brandon."
-You talking to me?
-You and your friends are
the only creeps in this joint.
-[Slurring] "In this joint."
-What's going on?
-Enjoy your dance
with our little mama?
-That was your mom?!
-Look, I just danced with her.
There was no harm done.
-Hey, you don't dig.
Our little mama's
like a virgin goddess.
-Well, sorta.
-And no creeps --
no creeps are allowed
to touch her.
-Only union members
and their families.
-Mm-hmm.
-Hey, these cats are really
way out, aren't they?
-They're totally bonkers!
-Let's just forget it and blow.
-Like I said,
there's no harm done.
-No, baby, there's no harm done,none physically...
until now.
-Whoa!
-Ohh!
-Check, please!
-Ohh!
-Ooh!
-There's never a waitress
around when you need one.
-Oh, definitely not
gonna tip them now.
-[Chuckles] Ohh, shiny object.
-Pshoo!
-I like it. Heh.
[Indistinct conversations]
-Ahh. Let's savor the moment.
-Are you gentlemen ready
for the road?
-[Sniffs]
-Deh-heh-heh.
-Yeah, baby, yeah,
anything you say.
-Uh, do we tip 15%
or 20% on a rumble?
[Chuckles]
-Yeah.
-Oh, my goodness.
Oh, somebody help him.
-Lead the way.
-Not yet.
-Uh, uh, look, look.
-Look, he's got a red hat.
-Ahh.
-Oh, that's a shame.
-Tickle, tickle.
Does that bug you?
Does that bug you?
[Chuckles]
-Somebody go get him.
-I want my mama.
-You're nice.
-We're here all week.
Enjoy the buffet.
-Man, did you see how...
-Ohh, boy.
-I like my job too much.
-I know.
That's the thing
about a job like this.
I never think I have to go
to work tomorrow.
I just love it that much.
-Uh, did we remember
to punch out?
I -- I can't remember.
-Ah, life.
-Yeah.
-Whoo!
-Mm-hmm.
-Ahh!
-Artsy-craftsy.
-Wow, look at all
those books up there.
-Yeah, "Leaves of Grass."
-"Trump: The Art of the Deal."
-"Mein Kampf."
-"The Essays of Pat Buchanan."
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
-Bright lights bug me.
-Yeah.
-This makes everything
much more cozy.
-So, how long you been working
on the David Dukes
campaign, honey?
[Engines revving]
-Whoa! Those trees are loud!
-Yikes!
-Oh.
-Yeah!
-Whoo!
-Wow.
[Revving continues]
-Wow, it sure
is dark out, isn't it?
-Two roads diverged
into a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not take
my hog down both,
and be one traveler,
long I stood.
-You've beat the stuffing out
of three preppies
and given away the girl,
but before the day is through,
you'll take enough drugs
to kill a horse.
Now it's Miller Time.
-♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-bum
-Guys, it doesn't get
any stupider than this.
Yow.
-Boy, you know,
it's really dark.
-Really dark. Boy, is it dark.
-Very dark.
-Pitch black out here.
Can't see a thing.
-They got their sunglasses on.
-Must be a new moon.
I don't know.
It's so dark.
-Very bright for darkness.
-Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
-[Slurping]
-Oh, boy, you taste
like Joseph Goebbels.
-If those three bosom buddies ofyours are due here any minute,
I want this place
lit up like Broadway.
-They say the neon lights
are brighter on Broadway.
-Fantastic.
-Mm-hmm.
-Three on one is not much fun.
-Says you.
-A poet yet.
-[Squeaking]
-Orange Cappuccino?
Suisse Mocha?
-[Imitating
The Penguin laughing]
[Engines revving in distance]
-Ahh.
Celebrate the moments
of your life
with General Foods
International Ripple.
-[Laughs]-Alright, we better split, guys.
-Oh, yeah.
-Okay.
-[Chuckles]
-Oh, for fun.
-[Laughs]
-Gosh, Joel, that biker guy
sure is sleazy,
but, boy, what a vocabulary.
-Yeah, he's quite eloquent
for a piece of low-life scum.
-Oh, well, you guys might be
surprised to find out
that a lot of the great thinkersof this century
actually rode
in motorcycle gangs.
In fact,
I've got a few drawings --
-Oh, don't tell me.
You've prepared a presentation
using artist's renderings.
-Right.
You know,
you read me like a book.
And anybody who reads
a lot of books will know
who the Algonquin Round Table
was.
-Of course.
Uh, Alexander Woollcott,
George S. Kaufman,Robert Benchley, Dorothy Parker.
-Right. Well, I've got
this drawing here.
Bring it in a little bit,
Cambot.
-Yeah.
-Here's the group.
Here's their gang.
It's called Satan's Sardonics.
Now, these guys terrorized
the whole East Coast
until one day they were
unexpectedly wiped out
in a rumble with the cast
of "What's My Line?"
-Wow, I guess that Bennett Cerf
is tougher than people thought.
-Yeah.
Now, when you think of a tough,
macho writer
who writes in a tense,
hard-boiled style,
who do you think of?
-Uh, Truman Capote?
-Exactly.
-Wow.
-See?
His gang, Oscar's Wild Ones --
they were leather boys --
were all the rage until
Norman Mailer's gang,
Hells Egos, mixed it up
with Gore Vidal's gang,
the Vidal Sassoons.
-Boy, sounds pretty messy.
[British accent] If they don't
look good, we don't look good.
-Yeah, there was gel and mousse
for miles around.
The carnage didn't end
until they all joined forces
and finally beat up...
Dick Cavett.
-[Normal voice] Alright.
-Well, at least we know all
that's in the past now.
-Oh, no. Are you kidding?
The intelligentsia's
duking it out
on Harleys more even now.
-No.
-Yeah, sure. Check it out.
Here's Ted Koppel's gang
right there.
They're called the Bloods.
Yeah, he's finally the toughest
of them all
'cause they're riding
with Stephen Hawking now.
-Wow.
-They beat Bill Moyers' gang,
Moyers' Marauders, even though
Bill rode with Joseph Campbell.
Everyone thought Joseph Campbellwas tough,
but that was just a myth.
-Joel, I hope you always
let us ride in yourgang.
-Yeah.
-Sure, no problem,
just so long as you don't mess
with my old lady.
-Oh, fight us off
with a stick, Joel.
-[Sobbing]
-Aww.
-Oh, that's just great.
Crow, you know she's --
-Way to go, Crow.
-Crow, you know she's
especially sensitive right now.
-I'm sorry.
-Geez, what a dickweed.
-Dickweed.
♪♪
[Laughter]
-Oh, wow. So --
So, you see, there really
are a lot of brilliant bikers.
-Yeah.
-That's amazing.
-Like these guys.
-[Slurping] Bleh.
-[Burps]
-You know, I feel a little bit
uncomfortable,
but I need to network.
-Mm-hmm.
-Nothing like a little vino
to soothe the palate
after a dusty road.
-And the wine is good, too, sir.
-Who's got to use the helmet?
-[Chuckles]
-Hey, baby.
-Hey, baby.
-You remember that little
college banana
you were dancing with?
-Yeah, well, now he's
a banana split
with nuts on top. [Chuckles]
Whoo!
-He's missing his face.
[Chuckles]
He's missing his face.
-Now, Banjo, such talk
might upset our guest.
-Ahh, room temperature.
-We want nothing
but pleasantries.
-Who the hell are you, Falstaff?
-Look, Jeeter, let's cut out
all these formalities
and lay the chips on the table.
What's happening?
-I love you!
-[Laughs]
-[Chuckles] -Huh?
-I like this guy.
I really like him.
-He's too square, baby,
a real square.
-Look, you just keep trying
to put that square peg
in a round hole,
and everything will be fine.
-Gentlemen, peace.
-What did he mean by that?
-Peace.
If we're to be
one big happy family,
we must live in tranquility.
-I love it when
he talks this way.
-Okay, Jeeter.
What do you want from me?
-Sit down, Rod. Relax.
-[Southern accent] Sit a spell.
Take your shoes off.
-You too, Banjo.
-Pbbbbbbbbbbbbt!
-[Normal voice] Pbbt!
As you might have surmised,
my happy little group here
is from California.
-Uh, Stanford, right?
-We're strangers
to this Southern countryside.
We need a guide, a chauffeur,
if you will,
to drive us around this
countryside every so swiftly.
-It smells.
-Uh, you're the
stinky guy, right?
-Let Jeeter finish his epilogue.
-Well, it's more of a monologue,really.
-You're right, Rod.
We're bad.
Bad, bad people.
-Does he mean bad-bad,
or good-bad?
-Sinbad.-We do all sorts of evil things.
-We're opening our own S&L.
-Real kicks.
-Yeah. Lucky Charms.
-And Honeycomb.
-They're very lucrative.
-Thanks, but, uh, no thanks.
-Hey, let the man finish.
-There's a whole number
he does at the end.
-We need you, man.
-[Whispers] Join us.
-We need you real bad.
Oh, we're --
we're good on bikes,
but, uh, cars
are a different tale.
-Apparently they have
more wheels on them
or something like that.
-Look, man, the newspapers
told a story how you
got wiped out.
-It's not out yet,
but I'm heavily connected.
-Driving stocks for someone
else, you get peanuts.
-Yeah, but junk bonds,
now, they're a different story.
-Bang.
One flame-out, and that's it.
But with us, a couple of drives,
and it's Moneysville
for a lifetime.
-Plus good benefits, medical,
dental, 401[k].
-Hmm.
-Yeah, I could see you
in the future
with at least four chains
on your right shoulder alone.
-Wow.
-Hey, there's no smoking
in here.
-Okay, what do you got in mind?
-An armored car...-An "armored dillo." [armadillo]
-...bank.
Just like the Roaring Twenties.
-Only, uh, many years later.
-None of that fancy James Bond
stuff, no secret-agent jazz.
Just plain old-fashioned guts.
You know, like Dillinger,
"Pretty Boy" Floyd.
-Michael Milken,
Leona Helmsley, you know.
-Now, what if I refuse?
-Well, you get to keep the girl
as our gift to you.
-I'll have kicks, baby, morekicks than I've ever dreamed of.
-So, that would be about four?
-[Sighs]
One question --
what's with that boy?
-Oh, he's got
a thyroid condition.
He can't help his weight.
-He used to be the Big Kahuna
of the surfing pack,
and then one day
he got wiped out.
The board caught him
in back of the head.
He ain't never talked since.
-Ah, the brains
of the operation.
-We love him just the same.
-But, uh, he can't love us back.
Don't we, Fats?
-Oh, shouldn't have had
that Cobb salad.
Ohh.
-You gonna join us?
-[Whispers] We're a fun group.
-[Whispers] Join us.
-Sorry, friends.
But I like these clothes,
and I'm not about to exchange
them for a suit of stripes.
-Oh, but at Foreman & Clark,
you can get a second suit
for just a dollar.
-Easy, Banjo. Easy, baby.
-Banjo, de-tune
your G-string, baby.
-Look, Rod...
-He hasn't been the same
since The Nitty Gritty Dirt Bandbroke up.
-...why all the picking
of the brains?
-Well, I'm starting
my own company.
-Let's just say I wanted
to find out
if your offer was legit or not.
-You gonna let him
get away with this?
-Uh, you sure it wasn't Banjo
that got the board
in the back of the head?
-No. He was caught for six hoursin a transverse axle.
-I'm a very patient man.
-But I hate bank lines.
They bug me.
-Well, if, uh, that's all,
I guess I'll be going.
-Ahem! Well, I had a great time.
You'll have to come
to my shotgun shack sometime.
Take care of your head
injuries, guys.
-Let's exchange cards.
Contact my people.
-Banjo, baby!
Where's your manners?
If the man wants to go,
let him.
-Please, baby...
-I'll cut your guitar, man.
I will.
I'll cut you a new
sound hole, man.
-He can go.
♪♪
-Uh, well, uh, thank you, then.
It's, uh, been a pleasure.
[Chuckles nervously]
♪♪
-Well, let me just say I wish
your business the best,
and thanks for all the wine
and the use of your chick
and everything.
♪♪
-That's, uh --
That's the closet.
-I hate these curtains, man!
-Why'd you let this guy
get away?
-You let him in our plan!
-[Muttering]
-[Muttering]
-I said quiet!
-What is this,
"The McLaughlin Group"?
-Our intentions, not our plans.
-Yeah.
-But why'd you let him go?!
-Because he'll be back.
-We got his keys.
-Just give him a month.
No. Two weeks.
When he gets hungry,
he'll be back.
-Hungry in two weeks?
-Artsy-craftsy.
-Ooh.
-Damn. What was I thinking?
I'll never get
a second interview.
I should send them
a thank-you letter, though.
Note to myself --
never negotiate with bikers
hopped up on goofballs.
-Hot damn.
[Insects chirping]
-[Humming]
[Dramatic music plays]
-It's showtime!
-Just hold it right there.
-We've got Moog synthesizers.
We could kill you from here.
-Put it down real slow.
Now raise your hands.
-Now play a G augmented.
Pat him down.
He's probably packing a capo.
-What's going on here?
-He's clean, Lieutenant.
-We're booking you
for impersonating Trini Lopez.
-What's your name, kid?
-They call me Mister Tibbs!
-Tillman. Rod Tillman.
-What are you doing up
in that cabin?
-Oh, networking, you know.
-I met some characters
at a dance,
and they asked me to come up,
so I went.
-Why'd you leave?
-Lousy benefits.
-We didn't see eye to eye
on a few things.
-And if they jumped off
a bridge, would you?
-What'd they want?
-Do you mind
if I put my hands down?
-No. That's fine. Put them down.
-Now put them back up again.
[Chuckles]
Didn't say "Simon says."
Whoo!
-Hey, nice caboose.
-Mm-hmm!
-So, what do you want to hear?
"Melancholy Baby"?
"Canadian Sunset"?
-How about some coffee?
-Yeah, that sounds good.
-Bavarian Mint?
You can keep the mug.
-So, I'll continue.
What did they want you for?
-You got any of those
little finger sandwiches?
I'm starved.
-I should say
an ex-stockcar driver.
And it seems that they needed
a wheel man.
-[Chuckles]
-Hmm.
-They're smart, real smart.
-Yep.
-Smart.
-They know we can spot those
motorcycles before a robbery,
so now they're gonna
switch to a car.
-Yeah, cars are harder to see.
-Well, if you know
they're stealing,
why don't you arrest them?
-Oh, we have.
-Hmm.
-No witnesses, no evidence.-No jail, no handcuffs, nothing.
-How come?
-Well, as I say, uh,
they're smart.
They get rid of their guns
after each job.
-Oh, look, they're just
really smart, okay?
-They certainly don't live big.
It's almost as though they're...-Smart.
-...robbing just for
the thrill of it.
-Kicks.
-Hmm?
-Only for kicks.
-What'd you say?
-It's a cereal, man.
Really good.
-They're only in it for kicks.
-Do you think you could
gain their confidence?
-Look, you're not
a real cop, are you?
-Let's say that we didn't leave
the best of friends.
-Did they seem, uh...
-Smart?
-...disappointed when you
wouldn't drive for them?
-Oh, they're really close
to the breast.
-Yeah, I think they
needed me real bad.
-They cried.
-Mnh.
-Look, Rod, I got a plan.
Now, if it works out,
would you be willing to work
for us, work for the police?
-[Gasps] If you'd have me.
-[Gulps]
-It's called
Operation Weasel Snitch.
-Maybe.
Tell me more.
♪♪
-Lieutenant,
you have lovely feet.
-It's Joe Namath!
Uh -- Oh, no.
-Aw, no.
It's Marcia Brady, all grown up
and back from college.
-Rrrr!
-And she's wearing
her man's Van Heusen.
-Mm-hmm.
-And he's wearing a beer.
-[Snoring]
-Mnh. Oh, yikes.
It looks like Banjo exploded.
There's biker shrapnel
everywhere.
-[Sniffing]
-Ew.
-Whoa.
-Uh, five minutes, Mr. Manson.
-No.
No, Mommy, not the clown suit.
♪♪
Well, I'm glad to see someone's
getting a jump on the day.
-Ah, let's take a look here.
Uh...
hmm.
Anaconda's up three and a half,
American Can down a point.
Oh, look at this.
Zack Norman as Sammy
in "Chief Zabu"?
-Sssst!
-Hmm.
♪♪
-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
-Ahh.
-That's better.
[Engine starts, revving]
-Boss hog.
-Mm-hmm.
-That's right, fatty.
Seize the day.
-Carpe diem.
-Buddy!
Everybody "bup"!
-Everybody get up!
-Get up!
Beat the day!
Rise and shine!
-The milkman's here.
-Duh-buh-buh!
Early bird gets the worm.
-I'm taking dump.
-Whee!
-Everybody up!
Rise and shine!
-[Panting]
-What is it, boy, huh?
What do you see?
-[British accent] "Legs Diamond"got an excellent review.
-Wow.
-Um...
-Oh.
-[Speaks gibberish]
-"The Lockhorns'" wife
burns the dinner?
Husband gets drunk?
I've seen it.
-How interesting.
-Let me see here.
It's -- Oh, I forgot.
I can't read.
-Finally get to tear
these chickens out.
-You just lost 10.
-Are we going to the races?
-Ohh.
-No. We're going to Disneyland.
-Going to the races.
I wouldn't miss
that for anything.
-Unless I die.
[Tires squealing]
-But first let's look
at some footage
from some of the great races
of yesteryear.
This 1951 race ---...triggered a series of spins.
The cars attempt to weave
their way through the pack.
Oh, one car lost a wheel
in what appears to be
a survival of the fittest.
-But is really not.
Whoa!
-Hey, the wheel's winning!
Get back on the track!
-Where are they going?
-Car number 1 is over the wall.
That's Buck Shevrinton
over the east wall.
-But it's far too expensive
to show us.
-Mm-hmm.
-Uh-huh.
-Looks like Buck is pinned
in his car.
It appears it will take a torch
to free Buck Shevrinton.
-Or a really good, uh,
pair of scissors
or maybe one of those hog-head
droppers
they use in the, uh,
meat-packing industry.
-Boy, that announcer's
really smart.
-Ugh. A few nose doughnuts.
[Chuckles]
-Hey, what are you looking at,
jerk? Huh?
Kids are just too damn smart
these days.
Meh.
-Hi, Rod!
Remember, you're undercover!
Don't talk to anybody!
-Shh.
-Everything okay?-Everything's great, Lieutenant.
-Don't call me that.
-Good. Rod's been briefed.
-And we pantsed him.
-Make it look good, Dutch.
-Will do, Lieutenant.
-Good luck.
-Forget I ever met you.
-[Whispers] I love you.
-Nice caboose there, huh?
Oh, he's smart, too.
-I don't like this place.
Gives me the willies.
Hey, look, it's Mount Rushmore.
-Hmm. Mount Trashmore.
[Engines revving]
[Humming]
-After a brief retirement,
Rod Tillman returns here to the
speedway in a new number 57.
-"Old Blue Eyes" is back.
-...regain that old form.
Any racing fans will remember
how Rod narrowly escaped
death...
-Gimme that.
-Oh, that's not nice.
-...crashed and burned just
a few months ago.
-Hey, don't say hi. Geez.
-Well, the driver is missing,
or he's gone.
♪♪
-Bubblehead.
-Hey, two Nobel Prize winners
and a Pulitzer.
What do you think?
-The cars are now ready
for the start of this
100-mile main event.
-Hey, wait until he says, "Go"!
-Boy.
[Engines revving]
-Pbbt!
-Vrrr!
-Well, the starter is ready,
and off they go now
on that warm-up lap,
getting into place.
-[Mimics engine revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
-And off they go!
All speed records should
be shattered today.
-Along with a couple of knees,
some femurs,
and some skulls, too.
-Mm-hmm.
[Engines revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
[Tires screech]
-Whoa!
-Hey, you got a little thing
on your...
-Right there. Yeah.
-Well, that's about it, yeah.
-Whoa! What happened?
-Kind of looks like they're
shooting tungsten out there.
-Uh-huh.
-It's the green cam.
[Engines revving]
-For those of you
watching at home,
we have no idea
what the hell is going on!
[Engines revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
Ah, it's an average day
out here on the A1A,
going up the coast
to Cocoa Beach.
[Tires screech]
[Engines revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
-Grazing in the grass
is a gas, baby.
Can you dig it?
-So, whose girl is she today?
Ah, looks like Banjo's.
-Hm.
-Car number 57, Rod Tillman,
is still having a rough time
out there on the track.
-[Mimics engine revving]
-[Mimics engine revving]
-Oh!
-Whoa!
-Hey!
-...off to the side!
57 seems to be out!
No, he's alright!
-Yowza!
-Yes, he's back on the track.
-Unfortunately, he's alright!
-...appears to be alright!
-Hey, did anybody see that
Tom Cruise film this summer?
-Uh, no.
-No.
-Eat it, boy! Eat it!
-[Chuckles]
-Well...
-Ahh.
-Oh!
-Ohh.
-Mnh.
-Oh, oh.
-I have the worst luck.
-Boy.
Get out of there! Come on!
It's gonna blow!
-Quick! Quick! Go!
-Come on!
-Take my hand!
-...out of the car.
He appears to be okay.
-Whoa.
-[As Dr. Zorka] How fortunate!
This will simplify everything!
-[Chuckles]
[Siren wailing]
-Hot car in the old Rod tonight.-[Chuckles]
-That was fun.
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, what a day.
-I love it.
-Oh, yeah, crown me fool.
Crown me fool.
Everybody line up
and take a big, steam--
-[Clearing throat]
Uh, thank you, sir.
Merry Christmas.
[Engine revving]
So...
-Gee, Wally.
-[Clicking tongue]
-Mm-hmm.
-Tough luck, baby.
-It's Dondi!
-Yeah.
-Yeah. Tough luck.
[Sniffs]
What are you guys doing here,
anyway?
-We thought maybe you'd like to,uh, reconsider.
-Unh-unh. No way I'm gonna be
in a dumb biker film.
-[Coughs]
-Look, I've had
racing up to here.
I'm sick and tired
of every grease monkey
who can climb behind a wheel
running me over.
Is your, uh, offer still open?
-I think something
can be worked out.
-Fatty, get the surfboard.
-We'll get you on medical
and dental right away.
-Let's split, man.
-Okay, I'm with you.
-Think they're talking
about his head?
-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah, let's go.
-We got to scram now.
-Yeah. Give a hoot.
Don't pollute.
-Can't watch that.
-Boy, they're smart.
-Looks like they fell for it.
-For Rod's sake, I hope so.
♪♪
-We'll be right back after
this important message.
Let's go.
-Get the box. You ready? Cue.
-Hey, kids!
-Yee-hoo.
-Whoo.
-Two, one, two, three.
-♪ We're wild rebels
♪ Crunchy, fruity rebels
♪ Pouring milk on them
is like shooting off a gun ♪
-It's Wild Rebels cereal,
the nutritious cereal
that's like getting hit
in the back of the head
with a surfboard of flavor!
-Look, Marshmallow Fatties!
-Sugary Lindas!
-I got tangy, twangy Banjos!
-Crunchy Oat Rods!
-And Jeeters, too.
Die, Jeeter, die!
-Kids?
What are you doing in there?
-Having a good breakfast, Mom!
-Pour on the milk!
One, two, one, two, three, four.
-♪ Wild Rebels
♪ Punchy, crunchy rebels
♪ Don't bust your teeth
on something sweet and hard ♪
-Wild Rebels cereal,part of this complete breakfast.
-Hey, there's a cheap surprise
inside!
-I got a gun!
-I got a sawed-off pool cue
with a leather strap!
-I got a chunk of hose
filled with lead shot!
-Alright, let's take it home!
-♪ They won't get soft
or squishy ♪
♪ Better eat 'em,
or you're a sissy ♪
♪ Just pound 'em down,
you stupid clown ♪
♪ They're wild
-Wild Rebels cereal --
Just eat 'em.
-Oh! We got a movie sign!
♪♪
-Wild, fruity, kooky pebbles.
-Mm-hmm, nutty.
-Here.
-Huh.
Hey, they're going
to the turd museum.
-Wow.
World's largest.
-World's largest.
-Yep.
-Ride 'em.
[Engine shuts off]
-Remember, baby, don't signal usuntil he's beddie-bye.
We don't --
-Don't sweat it.
I know what to do.
-What, does she have
a babysitting job?
They gonna knock
over a preschool?
-[Laughs]
-Geez.
-He's so strong.
I love him.
-Ooh.
-Whoa. Hey, hey. Oh.
Hi.
Welcome to the 12th century.
-Is this Bruce Wayne's house?
-I don't know.
-Say, he's not bad.
Mmm. Oh.
Oh. That's me.
Oh, excuse me.
-Are they robbing a bait shop?
-Hmm.
Winchester 408,
200-grain bullet
with 2,400-feet-per-second
muzzle velocity
and an incredibly
flat trajectory.
Hmm. High-powered rifle.
Like. Hmm. Neat. Good.
-Hey, this must be where
the South bought all the
stuff for the Civil War.
-And the Spanish-American War
and the War of 1812 and...
-Oh, Paul, have you ever
robbed a bait shop?
-Ah, I don't think so, Dave.
-[Laughs]
-Good morning. May I help you?
-Oh, why, yes, you may.
We've been bothered
by prowlers lately.
-Mm.
-And with my husband
out of town,
I feel I should have a gun.
-[Chuckles]
Nothing like the wily charms
of an attractive woman
to get an old man off his guard.
-With all the unsavory people
in the world today,
you need protection.
-Yes. Yes. Yes!
-Alright!
-What kind of a gun
did you have in mind?
-Oh, I'm going to leave that
100% up to you.
-Wow, check out the Ray Kroc
death mask up there.
-Cool.
-Here's one.
-Ah, now, this is the one
that Ruby used to shoot Oswald.
-This is a very popular model
with the ladies.
-Oh, if you recommend it,
I'm sure it will
suit my purpose.
-Mm.
-Can you show me how it works?
-Surely.
-Okay. Stand against that wall.
-First you insert
the clip like this.
-Thrusting it manfully
into the chamber.
-Then you pull back
the slide, like this.
-Yes.
-See, this puts a bullet
up in the chamber.
Then all you have to do is
pull the trigger.
[Gun clicks]
Here. You try it.
-Try it on me.
-And remember --
this is the safety.
-Oh. Well, let's see, now.
Uh...
-Uh-huh.
-You put on the safety...-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
-...then pull the trigger.
-Wrong.
-No.
First you put in the clip.
-Oh. First the clip.
-Ooh. I see.
-Well, you're putting it in
backwards. Let me help you.
-Uh-huh, uh-huh.
-Oh, I see.
-There you go.
-Oh, wow.
-What is this,
a Shedd's Spread commercial?
-I'll take it.
-That'll be $79.95, plus tax.
-I'll need some bullets.
-Oh, this is my rifle.
This is my gun.
One is for retail.
The other's for fun.
-Yes. Yes. Yes! She likes me.
She likes me.
She's buying it.
Oh, don't screw it up.
Okay, calm, calm.
She's buying it.
Ooh! Ooh!
-Here we are.
-[Clears throat]
I'll throw these in
as a gift from the house.
-And you get
the sneaker phone, too!
-Oh, how nice of you!
Would you mind
loading the gun for me?
-Ooh.
-How stupid of me.
-Ah.
-He's loading it.
Ahh.
-Very interesting.
-Hogan!
-Relax.
-Schultz!
-She's a born actress.
-She's no Streep.
-She's performing.
-There we are.
Always remember
to keep the safety on.
-And if you can't remember,
name it after me.
[Laughs]
A little gun shop joke.
-Let me get you a nice box
to wrap that in.
-[Clears throat] Crow.
-Uh, I'd like to return thesebullets to their original owner.
-Ha ha!
First rule of gun safety --
You never point a gun at anyone.
-Not even if you're going
to rob them?
-No, not even if you're gon--
Huh?!
-I beg your pardon?
-Just do what I tell you,
and you'll live to tell your
wife this shocking experience.
-Now, just a minute!
[Gunshot]
-Sounds like she shot him
with a staple gun.
-Hmm.
-Banjo, quite playing yourself.
Come on.
-Man, I wish these clowns
would learn to wash.
They always play the radio
too loud, too.
-I'll, uh --
I'll just wait here then, huh?
-My mother told me to...
-Yee-hoo!
-Hey, he looks like
Michael Caine in "Zulu Dawn."
-Mm-hmm.
-This is gonna make us
righteous, man.
Look at it!
-Yeah, baby.
[Cash register dings]
-[Chuckling] Oh!
Wait till you see what I've got!
-Uh, cleanup on aisle three,
please.
-Ohh. Ouch.
Oh, you got to be careful
doing that.
-Oh!
-Whoo!
-Uh, we're gonna
need a cart here.
-Oh, look at this.
[Laughter]
-Now, let's watch
as Benny Hill buys a gun.
-I love you.
I really love you.
Yep.
-[Imitates gunfire]
-Uh, they do have bullets there.-[Laughs] Banjo!
[Gun clicks]
Hey, what do you got, Banjo?
-Uh, it's called a gun, dear.
-Unh!
-You know, I think he's funnier
than Benny Hill.
-Yep.
-Definitely.
-Blue Light Special
on chromosomes --
extra ones.
-Come on! Let's go!
-Yeah.
-Okay, come on.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
We can't play in here all day.
-Not the hat.
It makes you look stupid.
-Ohh.
-Come on. Let's go.
-[Imitates gunfire]
-Move it. Come on. Let's go.
Come on, baby.
-Come on. 10 items or less.
Let's go.
-Well, at least
they're not concealed weapons.
-Yeah.-They'd get in trouble for that.
♪♪
A modest assortment.
-Banjo, Fats,
get some ammunition.
-How they gonna remember
what kind of guns they got?
-This is the movies, Crow.
Bullets are bullets.
-Oh.
-Just relax, baby.
It'll only be a minute.
-We need bullets.
We need bul--
How we gonna kill anybody
without them, huh?
-Uh-huh.
-Kind of a pre-shooting
shopping spree.
-Looks like...lunch.
-Wow!
-Mmm.
-Dynamite, dynamite.
-[Giggling]
-[Chuckles]
Red ones and red ones
and, uh, red ones and...
-Shake a leg, baby.
Two, four...
-[Clears throat]
[As Elvis] ♪ Love me
Thank you very much.
Uh, now I'm gonna have a peanut
butter and 'nana sandwich.
[Guitar plays]
-I wonder if he knows"London Bridge Is Falling Down."
-Yeah.
And "The Girl from Ipanema."
-Okay...
-Thank you.I call that the devil's tritone.
People go crazy for it.
-Is this bugging you guys?
I mean, just let me know
if it's bugging you.
It tends to annoy some people
sometimes, and I find that I --
I don't know.
Is that bugging you?
-I said quiet!
-Ah.
I don't know that one, but thisone's called "Put a Sock In It."
-I think it's best
if you both cooled it.
-He's making me nervous
with that guit-fiddle.
-Sit down.
-I mean, it's pretty and all,
but quit it.
-Sit down.
-Hey, get that shotgun
to sing a song.
-Rod, can the music.
-Canned music?
No way. I'm an artist.
I have values.
-[Strums guitar]
-Mm-hmm.
-Thank you.
Look, cats, now that
we got our arsenal...
...it's gonna be kicksville
from here on out.
-I'm being
transferred to Kicksville?
-Linda, baby,
go get me those layouts
you drew up.
-On the laser printer.
-[Grunts] Ouch. Owie. Stingy.
-Ohh.
-That's got to hurt.
-Ouch. Too tight.
-Ee, ee, ee, ee. Ee, ee, ee.
-Ohh, ow, ohh, ohh. Oh, oh.
-Hmm.
-[Sneezes] Oh, excuse me.
-Gesundheit.
-Gesundheit.
-Oh, there's Don Ho's jacket
up there.
-Let's see.
"We hold these truths to --"
Wait a minute.
This isn't right.
-...taking in all that
psych time in the afternoon...
-I've been taking
a correspondence course.
-...I've had our little actress
here out performing.
-Mm-hmm.
-She cased some pads
that are filled with more bread
than you ever dreamed existed.
-Whoa, that's a lot of slang
for one sentence.
-You're out of sight, baby.
-Yeah, well, you better
put your bifocals in.
-Real, real righteous.
-[Smooching]
-Ugh!
-Ahh.
-Banjo, I believe you're next.
Fatty, wait your turn.
-Now, if my little flock
will gather 'round...
-[Bleating]
-...I'll show you the scene
for tomorrow.
-Will I ever be as smart
as that guy?
I just don't think so.
I don't think I'll do it.
-Uh, boss. Um, I --
I made some bars,
but I can't get the oven
to preheat.
Can you help me?
-He's out of sight, baby.
He's okay.
-Why take a chance?
-He's in plain sight, I think.
-You can brief him
on the way tomorrow.
He's only the driver.
-Rod...
-Uh, Rod, uh,
we need a few more people
nibbling on me here.
Come on over.
-Go out and serenade the moon.
-Wear a necktie
so I know it's you.
-What's the matter?
Don't you trust me?
-Let's just say...
-No!
-No!
-...security precautions.
-Okay.
Security precautions.
Give us another one.
That's fun.
-[Sighs] Okay, it's your race.
-Mm-hmm.
-Mm-hmm.
-White Nazi race.
-But if I'm gonna be the driver,
you're gonna have to tell me
what's happening.
-Well, there's a steering wheel
and a pedal --
Oh, would you just
get out of here?
Crazy kooky-head.
-[Slams table]
-Ooh.
-That scram bugs me.
He really bugs me!
-We're here, man. Let it out.
-Don't let him bug you, baby.
-Yeah.
-See this shoulder?
It's here for you.
-We need him...for a while.
-Eat. Eat, fatty.
-Fats,
go outside
and keep your eye on him.
-Which one? [Laughs]
-Oh, Fats.
On second thought...
-"On second thought."
-...Linda,
you go out and watch him.
-It won't be so obvious, baby.
-Just let me comb my hair,
and I'll be on him
like a bloodhound.
-[Barking, howling]
-Hmm.
-"Aqualung"!
-"Free Bird"!
-Whoo! "Free Bird"!
-Whoo!
-"Whipping Post"!
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Hey, that's a pretty good G.
Gordon Liddy impression there.
-Mm-hmm.
-Meanwhile, in Africa...
-Oh, yeah.
Oh, let's see.
"If you are not wearing
any underwear, smile."
-Yeah.
-Underwear?!
What...?
-"Note to myself --
get new agent."
"Thank you."
-What's he gonna do?
-I don't know.
-Fold it so no one can read it.
-Yep.
-Mm-hmm.
-And then, uh -- Huh?
-Oh, he's sending it
by carrier vole.
-Uh-huh.
♪♪
-"I've hidden the note."
-We'll be back with
Peekaboo Siding Showcase,
but first [chuckles]
a little of her.
[Chuckles]
-Hmm?
-Huh?
-Uh-oh.
-Uh, quick.
Think fast.
Oh, this'll fool her.
-Yeah.
-There's the signal now.
Run up and get the message,
will you, Bob?
-Ooh, it might be dangerous.
-Ouch. Ohh. Ohh.
-Stingy.
-She must go through
a lot of pants.
-Ouch.
-Hey.
-Ee. Ee. Ee. Ee. Ee.
-Ouch. Owie.
-Hold it.
Hold it, Bob.
-Hold what?
-Now, hold it up to the light.
-Looks like Rod's got company.
-Uh-oh. Uh...
♪ Love me tender,
love me sweet ♪
Thank you very much.
Uh, Elvis has left the theater.
-He's sending
another message now.
-It's a musical message of love.
-Ahh.
-You're quite the troubadour,
aren't you?
-Yeah, and I play guitar, too.
-Just the roving minstrel
at your service, m'lady.
-Well, play on.
-Macduff.
-What would you like to hear?
-Whatever strikes your fancy.
-Personally, I like guys
in clown suits.
-Let me see here.
[Strums guitar]
-Ah, the Wango ze Tango, huh?
-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, nothing like
a moonlit afternoon.
[Guitar playing]
[Indistinct singing]
-♪ What I know
♪ 'Cause I like what I know
♪ About you
-What a jerk.
-Looks like
Frank Sinatra's junior.
-♪ I know
-Thank you, brother squirrel,
for the horn.
-♪ All the ways
♪ And your ways
-Special music by
the Ant Farm Family Singers.
-♪ Please me so
-Ah, good thing
the Nelson Riddle gang
is in the next cottage.
-Maybe I can kill him
with a cigarette.
-♪ About you
-Do some backup.
-♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum
♪ Bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum
♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,
bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum
-♪ But I
♪ Still know nothing
-♪ Bum, bum
-Take it, Chipmunks!
-♪ Bum, bum
-♪ Ooh
-♪ About your secret charm
-Ah, I hope
this isn't a long song.
-Yeah.
-♪ Because I've never
kissed you ♪
-This is a cover of
an old Christy Weasel song.
-New Christy Weasels?
-Yep.
-I thought it was
Up with Weasels.
-I don't know.
-♪ Do, do-do-do
-♪ But
-You talkin' to me?
-♪ One night I will
-Oh.
Oh, got carried away.
-My God, are you okay?!
-Ooh.
-Ohh.
A little B.J. Thomas there.
-♪ Then I'll love
♪ What I know
-Oh, a little flat there,
squirrels.
-♪ About you
-♪ Ooooh
-This must be the B-side
of the 45.
-Ha.
-Next. Thank you.
We'll call you.
-You're out of sight, baby.
Real righteous.
-What does that mean?
-I don't know.
-Thank you. I'm flattered.
-I think.
-Tell me something, Linda.
-Sure.
What do you want to know?
-Does light stand still
on the edge of a black hole?
-What's your game?
Why do you hang around with guyslike Jeeter and Banjo for?
-Hmm?
-They're the greatest.
With them, everything's cool.
Never a dull moment.
-Yeah, just like
the Algonquin Round Table.
-What do you expect to get
out of this game except
maybe 20 years?
What are you looking for,
the high living,
the sports car, the --
-You're not a very good judge
of character, are you?
-Nope.
-You're square, baby,
so square you look like a box.
-Yeah, but there's
a prize inside.
Oh!
-Oh!
-Well, then why?
-The kicks, baby, the kicks.
-The cereal?
-Yeah, kids like Kix
for what Kix has got.
Moms like Kix
for what Kix is not.
-Oh!
-You're flirting with death.
-Speech! Speech!
-You feel alive.
You feel like --
like it's great to be young,
to be free, no ring on
your finger, no home...
-No bell on your toe.
-...no snotty-nosed brats.
-You make it sound so good.
-Just you, alive.
-A bike and a robbery
aren't the same thing.
-Oh, shut up!
Shut up!
-You get your kicks
from that guitar, from singing.
-Yeah. Why?
-You used to get them
from having 400 horses
in front of you and death
staring you in the face.
-Yeah, but that's when he was
in "Ben-Hur."
-It's still not the same thing.
-Oh, yes, it is.
It's the same.
When you look death in the face,whether it's
from behind the wheel or lookingat a policeman's gun...
-Or in the mirror.
-...it's all the same.
-I don't dig you.
-Do you dig this?
-Well, I don't --
[Mumbling]
-[Smooching]
-Are you looking for trouble?
-Well, you won't find it
in my dental work.
-Just for kicks.
-Silly rabbi,
kicks are for Trids.
-[Smooching]
-Is that the signal?
-Well, at least her three
boyfriends aren't homicidal
and looking
for something like this.
-You taste like wet leaves.
-Their love can be dry-cleaned.
-Now, what do you mean by "Mm"?
-I'd like to ask her out,
but I'm afraid of rejection.
-They're neat.
-Mm, mm, mm.
-Ooh.
-What does "Ooh" mean?
-Huh?
-Banjo!
-No -- stiletto.
-Man, you're messing
with private stock.
-Okay, now,
what the hell did he say?
I never -- I haven't understood
a word this guy has said.
-No!
-Uh-oh.
-You dirty...
-Ooh!
-Ohh, that had to hurt.
-Banjo...
-Banjo!-...you're just too high-strung.
-Banjo and guitar together,
and they're dueling.
-I'll bust your face!
-Ohh!
-No, the guitar's gonna beat
the banjo every time, I think.
-You got to stop him.
He's gonna kill him.
-Maybe that's a good thing.
-Mm-hmm.
♪♪
[Laughter]
-Ohh!
-Ohh. Owie.
-Ohh.
-Ohh.
-They're rough.
-Looks like Banjo's
a little out of tune there.
-Ugh!
-Ohh.
-Yeah, tell your friends.
Oh, they're here.
-Yep.
-Eat it, boy! Eat it!
-I oughta cut your throat.
-Go ahead!
Cut it!
There's pain in my blood.
-Kill him, baby.
Kill him.
Kill him, Rod.
He's a loser, baby.
-Ah, he's not worth killing.
-Not worth killing?
Now, don't you ever say that.
-I assume we're getting up, uh,
early tomorrow.
Think I'll call it a night.
-Or an afternoon or whatever.
I can't tell by the light.
-[Chuckles]
Here's your guitar.
-Here's your guitar, yeah.
-[As Elvis] Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I think I'm gonna go
write a song about this.
-What was that all about?
-Uh, he kicked my butt.
Weren't you there?
-Well, baby, did you enjoy it?
-So you want me to vomit every
time another man comes around?
-Well, you do
when I come around.
-Don't mix business
with pleasure.
-Ooh!
-Ow.
-I thought you were supposed
to be tough.
Next time, act it.
-Oh, I hate getting notes
right after the performance.
Ohh!
-Okay, children,
we got a busy day tomorrow.
Let's get some sleep.
-Yeah, come on.
We got early mass.
-[Chuckles]
-♪ Do-do, do-do
-Oh the shame, the shame.
Oh, the pain and shame.
-I'm wigging!
-Whoa!
-Whoa.
Meanwhile, Napoleon Solo
is in Hungary.
-Open channel B.
-Oh, I got to shake the dew
off the old helmet there.
There.
-Hmm.
-Thank you,
magic night-vision binoculars.
-Oh, I got to tinky.
-I got to -- Oh, I got to
go see a man about a horse.
-Ah, what a day.
-Beautiful.
-Ah, it's great.
Look at that --
Ah, you better lock up.
There's a lot of creeps
around here.
[Chuckles]
-Thanks for the groovy charts,
Mr. Squirrel, wherever you are.
-Heavy, guys.
I love this station wagon.
-Okay, now. Everybody in?
Buckle up.
-Crunch.
-Hey! How would you like someoneputting a cigarette out on you?!
-Killer spleef, man.
♪ Figurines, the diet crunch
-Hey, there's something about
that guy that just screams,
"I'm not really a cop."
-Let's see what it says.
It says, "Put me back,
you idiot."
-Hmm.
-Hey, hey, I got
to go tell a tree.
♪♪
-312 to 507.
-312 to 507.
-Ohh.
-312 to 507.
-We were in the car
the whole time.
We weren't doing anything.
-I read you.
Go ahead, okay?
-Suspects just drove off
from house in gray wagon.
-Thanks, Ben.
We'll take it from here.
-Yeah.
-Okay, Charlie, let's go.
-Bye-bye.
-Hey, but we're on break.
-Not anymore.
-Darn.
-Now, Rod, baby,
here's the scene.
As you can see,
we're surrounded...
-Scene 35.
-...by orange groves
to the right
and grapefruit groves
to the left.
Now, what does that spell?
-Fruit salad.
-You're the riddler. What?
-Money, baby, lots of bread.
-So, what are we gonna do --
stop and pick an orange?
-That's crazy.
-Cracks me up.
-You're really righteous, baby,
really righteous.
-Yeah.
-I really dig him.
-So I cracked a funny.
-And you've got a funny crack.
-Hey.
-Well, Citrusville is...
-Hmm.
-...about 20 miles
down the road.
It has this little old bank
that's just loaded with bread.
-Uh, I don't know, but I think
you're talking about a bakery.
-And it's just waiting for
the five of us to slice it up.
-Good job.
-[Humming]
-Sounds easy.
How do we work it?
-Well, Linda baby being the bestlittle actress I know...
-Except for Streep.
-...will make everything
easy for us.
You wait in the car.
Be ready to move.
-The car?
-We'll just go in
and help ourselves
to all of that wonderful...
-There's something coming up
behind us, baby.
-That's the sun, you idiot.
It happens every day
at this time.
-Oh.
-Better play it cool, Rod,
and slow down and see
if they pass us.
-It's Spiro Agnew and Spiro
Agnew in "The Parent Trap."
-Go ahead and pass them.
-Good one.
-Yes, sir.
-507 to all units,
507 to all units.
-Lobe.
-Big lobe.
-...Is now in effect.
-Tikkita, tikkita, tikkita,
tikkita, tikkita,
tikkita, tikkita, tikkita.
-That's "R" for rump.
We're gonna moon them.
Okay, drop trou there, Bob.
-Those guys mooned us.
-Smell like fuzz to me.
-Oh, that's just me.
Excuse me.
-For the first time
in your life, Banjo,
I think you're right.
-Looks like
they're in a car wash.
-Jeeter, if it is the man,
what do we do?
-Just play it cool, baby.
Just play it cool.
-Yeah.
Hit the A.C.
Play it cool.
-...And see what happens.
-What do we do now, Lieutenant?
-We can enter
a biggest ear contest.
-...Into position.
-He wins.
-Go ahead and turn off
into that side road.
-We'll pick up some jams,
jellies, some compotes.
They look like they got
some nice corn on the cob
out this end of the woods.
-Scones, cucumbers...
Crenshaws.
-Okay. Now what?
-Uh, my guess is that the fuzz
is staked out
all along the main highway
between here and Citrusville.
-All -- both of them.
-They reported our position
as we passed them.
-Look, aren't you
jumping to conclusions?
-Yeah.
-Uh-huh.
-Just because two men
passed us in a car...
-Whoa! Whoa! Brake!
-Brake!
Whoa!
-...that doesn't mean
we're being followed.
-Hmm.
Oh, it's just a camera move.
-You'd like for us to walk
into a trap, wouldn't you?
For all we know, you may
be working with the fuzz.
-Mnh.
-Cool it, Banjo. Cool it.
Look, Rod's been with us
every minute of the time.
How could he contact the cops --by carrier pigeon?
-Uh, no.
By carrier vole.
-What now, Daddy?
-This is a map of London.
-Hmm?
-We can't go cross-country.
-And we can't go straight up.
Remember when we tried that?
-If we use the secondary roads,
we could only get to about
maybe two miles of Citrusville.
Then we'd be spotted.
-Hey, why don't you
forget the bank?
-Yeah.
-Forget everything, man.
-Yeah.
-Just go home.
-You forgot the name
of the game, Rod.
-What's that?
-It's kicks.
-Oh, come on.
-Oh, would you shut up
about the kicks?
-Please!
-You didn't learn a thing
last night, did you?
-Well, I did, but I don't think
we can use it rob a bank.
-The first time we went
this way, he was chicken,
through and through.
-No physical violence, please.
-Mental violence.
-Let's just be one big
happy family, okay?
-Yeah, the Mansons.
-Whoo-whoo!
-Huh?
What is it, little fella?
You workin' on your doctorate
over there?
What, a train?
In Deadrock Canyon?
Huh?
-Whoo!
-Fats, baby, I love you!
-You finally figured out
positive ion bonding!
-Simply brilliant!
-Amazing.
-Look, what's he saying?
-The railroad tracks.
-Ooh.
-Cross the railroad tracks.
-Yeah. The railroad tracks.
-We just simply follow
the railroad tracks
into Citrusville.
-Ahh.
The railroad tracks.
-Rod, baby, move it!
-Hey, there's a highway right
next to the railroad tracks.
They'll never find them there.
-Hey, I hear a big,
stupid ending coming, you guys.
-[Humming]
-Citrusville, city of progress,
where everyone is juiced.
-Citrusville -- a great place
to get some orange juice.
Boy, you know,
I bet they could score
80 to 100 bucks in this town.
-Yeah.
At least they haven't, uh,
broken any traffic laws,
either, you know?
-That's good.
If they're able to pull off
the rob-- robbery
and -- and kill somebody,
I hope they at least
get gas money.
-♪ Let's go to juice land
-♪ Let's go to juice land
♪ We're going to juice land
-Hey, look, you kids be quiet,
or I'm gonna turn
this car around.
-Okay, baby.
Pull once around the block.
That'll be your time
to look things over.
-I've just seen the whole town.
-You know, these guys
just plain smell.
B.O., big time.
Icky.
-Cute.
-Mm-hmm.
-4, 5...dollars.
You've broken the bank.
-Thank you.
-Okay. See you tomorrow.
-It's always a pleasure
to do service
with our largest depositor.
-Uh, Miss Hathaway,
Mr. Drysdale's
been looking for you.
-486.
-$486 -- that's what
they've got in the vault.
-That's what they're insured to.
-Good morning.
-Good morning. May I help you?
-Why, yes.
I'd like, uh, $500 in
traveler's checks, please.
-Oh, dream on, lady!
-How would you like them?
-$10s, $20s, or $50s?
-Oh, $50s would be fine.
-With your blood on them.
-Shh. [Chuckles]
-Hey, I found a $5
under this drawer.
We can stay open.
-[Laughs] Let's split, guys.
-Oh, yeah.
-Including your name
and address...
-We're gonna have to mail
the money to you in six weeks.
-Okay. Thank you.
-Thank you.
♪♪
-[Humming]
-I had no idea Gypsy had
such a powerful brain...
-Mm-hmm.
-...running all
the working functions
of the Satellite of Love
and everything.
I even found out
she re-analogued my brain
when I had that computer virus.
-Yep.
Joel must have not told us
for a reason.
-Yeah.
-You know, it's funny
how working outdoors
makes you feel comfortable
pondering such questions.
-Yeah.
I was gonna say how nice it was
not always having to talk
when we're together.
-Yeah, that's neat.
-Oh, here they come.
Uh, Servo, do that cricket noiseyou do so well,
and I'll run lights, okay?
-Oh, for fun, yeah.
Ah, I know exactly how it is.
You know, we're pretty much
the same that way.
You just got to let out steam
sometimes, you know?
This looks like a nice place
to rest, doesn't it?
-It sure does, Joel.
-Yeah.
-You know, Joel?
-What?
-I feel so special.
-Uh-huh. Good. Okay.
Hey, uh, Cambot, I hope
you're getting this.
We'll want to use this
in Gypsy's scrapbook later.
-Ohh.
-Anyway,
I'm just a wandering minstrel
at your service, m'lady.
-Ah, play on, my liege.
-♪ I know what like
-Ohh.
-♪ And I like what I know
-Ooh.
-♪ 'Cause I know what I like
♪ About you
-About me.
-You know, I feel kind of like
Mac Davis on "The Muppet Show."
♪ I know all your ways
-My ways.
-♪ And your ways please me so
-So, so.
-♪ 'Cause I like what I know
♪ About you
-Aww, Joel, hold me.
-Man, you messing
with private stock.
-Let's get him!
-Get him!
Aah!
-I'm in it for the kicks.
♪♪
-I'm glad we cheered her up,
anyway.
-Mm-hmm.
-Yep.
-Sorry about beating you up
and all.
-Yeah, it's okay.
You guys look cute
in those outfits.
-Thank you.
-[Slurping]
Ahh.
-Oh.
Wait. What?
She's gonna hold the place up
with a syringe?
-Anybody move, I get high.
-Mm.
-[Humming]
-Oh, look, it's Scruffy,
the lovable cop clown.
-Yeah.
-Thank you very much.
-You're welcome.
-Jimmy hat.
-Unh!
-Whuh!
-Ohh!
-Okay, babies, everything's set.
Let's move it.
-He must be psychic.
-The guard's out of the way.
-What do you mean?He's in the middle of the floor.
-Move!
I said move!
Get in there fast!
Move it fast!
You, blondie, over here.
-What, is he speaking
in Sanskrit?
Slow down!
-Fats, you better
go get the money.
-It's code.
-I want firm tummies and a nice,straight dance line.
Come on.
-You get this.
-Oh, great. There's stamps
and some paper clips
and a Garfield sticker and --
Hey, grab that statue that says
"World's Greatest Grandma."
-Hey, look -- $10!
Hey, we're set
for the rest of our lives,
unless we want to buy
a 12-pack or something.
-Hey, they play The Ventures
at this bank.
-Wow, they got everything --
stadium blanket, calendar,
Lincoln coin bank.
-Mm. Oh.
-Look at the bank sign.
It's printed with electrician's
tape on ceiling tile.
-I'm thinking of
growing a Van Dyke.
What do you think, huh?
Yeah.
-Did you see "Cop Rock"
last night?
It sucked.
-Hmm.
Now, if I could just remember
my Aldis code from the Navy.
-Hey, what's with the lights?
-What about them?
-Hmm.
Whoa. Your brights.
-Hey, man,
he's doing Aldis code.
-Help. Help.
-Hey, hey, help us.
-Help.
-Looks like he's trying
to signal us.
-Oh, no, he's just
testing his lights.
Let's go dunk a couple
of spudnuts, eh, Phil?
-Hey, is that their car?
Sounds like they got
a tappet loose.
-Yeah.
-That's better.
-Eh, what's all this, then?
I mean, what's going on here,
boy?
-Well, son,
what's the lights for?
-Uh, illuminating the road
after dark, sir.
-There's three men and a girl
robbing that bank.
-And a baby.
-And a baby.
-Jeeter, it's the gestapo,
and they're talking to Rod.
Let's split!
-No. You'rethe gestapo.
-Linda, Fats, stand up!
Let's go!
-This better not be a joke.
-Well, it is a joke,
but it's still true.
-You stay put, kid.
-Here we go.
Hmm.
-Whoa, that's a nice
wide spread.
He must have had
a modified choke on that.
Hmm.
-Fats, we just hit
a couple of the fuzz.
-Huh?
-What?
-Oh.
-Hold it, creep,
or I'll blow your brains out.
-Yeah.
-Come on. Move!
Linda, hurry up!
-Linda!
-In these heels? Are you crazy?
-Fats, move it!
-Ohh!
-Okay, coming boss.
-Nice tag.
[Alarm rings]
-Oh, school's out.
Recess, everybody.
[Ringing continues]
-Okay, now, we all saw
the Zapruder film.
You be Kennedy.
-He signaled the men.
-[Speaks indistinctly]
-Hmm?
-What?
-What?
-Man, that wasn't
a very nice thing to do.
-If Banjo's telling the truth,
why don't we just dump him now?
-'Cause this creep is gonnaget us away from the little men.
-Mm.
-He's gonna drive the race
of his life.
Put your foot to the floorboard,man. Move it.
I said move it!
-But remember your seat belt.
Check your blind spot.
Three-point check.
That's better. Thank you.
-No, not this way, man.
My mom will see me. Ohh!
-Come on, man! Earn your money.
Faster. Faster.
[Ringing continues]
-Ohh.
-Oh, you poor officer.
Oh.
Can I get you a doughnut?
-Ugh.
You're kneeling on my chest.
-Help me to my car.
-I'm sorry, but you're dead.
No doughnuts.
-Hmm. Poor guy.
-Yep.
-Mayday! Mayday!
-He used to be a pilot.
-I used too much rouge!
-Four men and a girl just robbedthe Citrusville bank.
-507 to all units,
507 to all units.
Whatever your location,
proceed to roadblock stations
around Citrusville.
-Uh, we are all the units, sir.
-Proceed to roadblock stations
around Citrusville.
-Heh. They're gonna put the
squeeze on them in Citrusville.
-Nelson Riddle
and his Orchestra!
-"Squeeze on them." See?
-Yeah. We got it, bro.
-What's, uh, Citrusville
famous for, you suppose?
-Uh, probably dairy products.
-I wa-- Huh?
-Yeah?
-Police cars
courtesy of Grandma.
-You're doing great, baby.
-Don't call me that at work.
-Hey, that looks like the car.
-Naw!
Couldn't be. They're miles away.-Get ready. Here they come.
-Oh, no.
[Gunfire]
-Ayyy-ahhhhh!
-Ugh!
-Ohh!
-Ooh.
-That'll teach 'em. Whoa.
[Tires screeching]
-Ooh!
-Oh, Calgon, take me away!
-I got one in my hair!
Crawlers!
-Yeah, man.
-Stupid old bun.
-I love it.
Another one for me.
-You know, this really is
kind of fun.
-Whoo-hoo.
-I'm having a really good time.
-Yeah.
-I'll get a Kleenex, Bob.
Stay there.
-Officer down, officer down.
I need bear claws --
I mean, uh, backup.
Send a jelly doughnut.
Uh, I mean send help.
-Gang headed East
on Old Citrus Road.
Just killed my partner.
-And I'm all busted up inside.
Over.
-I'm in pursuit.
[Siren wailing]
-Here comes the fuzz!
-Here comes the fuzz!
Here comes the fuzz!
-Da fuzz is comin'.
-Yeah.
-Yeah. Hey,
he's doing really well.
-Yeah, this is the longest
he's driven
without rolling and burning.
-[Laughs]
-Another roadblock!
Drive through it, man.
Drive through it.
-Yeah. Whoa.
-Oh, you know,
we really should have
blocked the other road, too.
What were we thinking?
-Roadblock detour.
-Down the Yellow Brick Road,
man.
-Guess we're not in Kansas
anymore, dude.
Go kill Dorothy.
-Well, that's kind of like
closing the barn door
after the cows are out.
Come on, dummy.
-Uh, signal your turn, please.
Uh -- Oh, well.
[Tires screech, engine revs]
-What's he gonna do --
shoot at oranges?
-Looks like it.
[Sirens wailing, tires screech]
Oh, now, that's a fire siren.
Come on.
[Gunshot]
[Tires screeching]
I'm huge. I'm immense.
-Hey, look -- Erik Estrada!
[Gunshot]
-Slow 'em down, Banjo.
[Gunshot]
-Two barrels from Banjo
coming up!
-Did he say
"two bowels for Banjo?"
-"Bedtime for Banjo"?
-Would you get your arms and
legs inside this car, please?
-How am doing it?
I don't know.
-Whee, man, we were rolling.
-Gonna get some...
and some rolls and some....
Hey, hey, hey.
Every day, all my love away.
-I'm huge.
By this time,
the old Duke boys
had killed just about
every cop in town.
-Yee-hoo.
-And Daisy had slipped into
something more comfortable.
-Oh, it's a squealing swamp.
Oh, there's the exploding bush.
-Hmm.
-Earn your money.
Drive, baby, drive!
-What do you think I'm doing?!
Oh, look, I'm cranky and hungry.I'm sorry.
-Back into the squealing swamp.
-So, this is the point
where the director said,
"Use everything we shot."
-What's wrong with the car?
-Who's talking?
-Oh, they must have hit
the gas tank.
-Who's talking?
-I don't know.
-You see the lighthouse?
Stop there.
-Lighthouse?
They're in the woods.
-We're going down.
We've lost an engine.
-Lighthouse?
[Siren wailing]
-Oh, it's for Winnebagos.
-Mm.
-Yeah. Lighthouse.
-Well, it's up to the Navy now.
It's out of our jurisdiction.
-Whoa.
-Come on, baby. Move it!
-Whoa! That's too close.
-Mm.
-Stop calling me "baby."
[Gunshots]
-Oh, great hideout.
If they have to spend
any time there,
they can eat the bricks,
I guess.
-Oh, look, they're in
a nautilus, you guys.
-It's like "The Time Tunnel."
[Gunfire]
[Siren wailing]
-Don't shoot the car!
We need that!
-Ooh! Sorry.
I accidentally shot a cop.
Sorry.
-Load it up, Linda.
-It's just like shooting ducks
in an alley.
-I think it's
"fish in a barrel,"
but I know what you mean,
and you'll know what we mean
after this.
[Gunshots, siren wailing]
♪♪
[Gunshots]
-For the glory
of the SLA, Tania!
-I just got a thing
about girls with guns.
I don't know.
-Yeah.
-Hi.
-Here you go, Hoss.
Nice shootin', Little Joe.
-Oh.
Oh, my hair's stuck.
Ohh, ohh.
-I'm old enough to drive
and drink but not be in a war.
What do you think?
-Hey, it's Diana Rigg.
-Join us.
-Getting enough kicks now, baby?
Yeah.
[Gunfire]
If you've got something to say,
say it.
-You killed a tree, Banjo.
[Gunfire]
-Oh! Oh, oh! Oh, oh!
Excuse me.
-I got me one.
I got me a man.
-I'm happy for you.
Now go shoot cops.
-Quite a dance move there.
-Oh!
My head's trying to blow up!
-[Muttering]
-You idiot!
-He's wigging!
-Yep.
-Banjo, don't be a hero!
-Banjo, come back, you idiot!
-Come back, Banjo.
-Ohh!
-Whoa! Ouch!
-Stupid old gun.
-Cover him, Fats!
Cover him!
-Now, wait a minute. Banjo's
about two feet away from --
Look at that --
two feet away from the cops.
Criminy.
[Gunfire]
Uh-huh.
-He's over there. Yeah.
-Whoa. Ooh.
Uh-oh.
-That's pretty good with
a shotgun at that distance.
-Must be using a full choke.
[Gunshots]
-The lousy men got him.
They got Banjo.
-They torched his bike, too.
-Fats, grab the rifle.
Go upstairs as fast as you can,
see if you can pick any of them
off from upstairs.
-Okay.
-Hurry up, Fats! Move!
-I'll be running upstairs now.
[Panting]
[Panting stops]
[Panting]
[Panting stops]
[Panting]
[Panting stops]
[Panting]
-Long way up.
-[Panting]
[Gulps]
-Ohh! They got my foot, Charlie.They got my foot.
-Hey, it's a double helix.
-[Chuckles]
Thank you for
the Crick and Watson joke.
-You know, he's kind of
an easy target --
fat, drunk, and stupid.
I wonder...
-Ehh.
He could never hit him, though.
-No.
-One if by land,
two if by stupid.
Ohh.
-Well...
Hey, I've always wanted
that cool lid.
-Philip Glass music.
Cool.
-Wow, I always thought
only the good died young.
-Live fast, die young, and leavea fat, bloated, ugly corpse.
Heh, heh.
[Gunshots]
Oh, here we go again with him.
-Uh-oh.
-Fats!
Fats, he's coming your way!
Kill him! Kill him!
Hand me the shotgun.
Hand me the shotgun!
-Quick.
-[Panting]
-Yep.
-Oh, I got to quit smoking.
-[Panting]
-[Humming]
[Scatting]
[Humming]
-N-Now -- Now, wait a minute.
Just -- Just wait a minute here.
-I will kill you!
-[Humming]
-[Panting]
Ohh.
-I'm getting dizzy.
-Yeah, me too.
Whoa!
-Hey, that's not
completely fair.
-Nuh-unh.
-Hey, mister, can you help me?
I -- I need some --
-You know,
in a more expensive movie,they would have tossed him over.
-Or at least used him
as a shield or something.
-[Laughs]
-It's filled with Pez.
-Mmm.
♪♪
-He's upstairs.
-Thanks, Fats.
You know, you're smarter dead.
-It's like Johnny Cash music.
-Kill, kill, kill,
die, die, die!
When will it end?!
-I don't know.
-Oh, man, you got
my windbreaker.
This is a Members Only, too.
It's not cheap.
Oh, I'm no good at anything.
I'm terrible.
I can't drive, can't shoot.
What the hell am I good at?
Oh, jeepers, I'll never
get in another movie.
-Poor guy.
-Huh?
-At least the music's gone.
-Ow.
-Well, if it isn't Rod.
-What?
-Uh-oh.
-Yeah, he's getting serious.
He took his sunglasses off.
-Whoa!
-Servo, save yourself!
Get out of the way!
-He's pointing it right --
-[Laughing]
-Whoa!
-See ya later.
-Alligator.
Not!
[Gunshot]
-Huh?
-Huh?
-What gives?
-Aah!
-Oh, he's all bendy
and floppy and stuff.
-Ooh!
Well, that was kind of neat.
-[Laughs]
-Sorry.
-Heavy.
-Yeah, kind of looks like
the beginning of a Bond film,
doesn't it?
-Yeah.
-Hey, there's the girl
with the golden gun!
-Yep.
-[Laughs]
-[Sighs]
-Mm.
It's been a big day.
-I'm just not having
a good week.
-Here.
A gift for you.
-I didn't get you anything.
-Thanks, baby.
-Kicks, baby.
-They're not for Trids.
-Kicks.
It w-was the wildest.
-Kicks just keep getting
harder to find.
-Ugh.
-Ohh.
-Ew.
-You still taste like fatty.
Don't you brush?
-Oh, she's crying.
-Oh.
-Charlie, go on up
and check Fats.
Take her away, Bob.
-Are there kicks
in prison, honey?
-My.
-I'm here, Bob.
-♪ I know
-Here we go again.
-♪ All your ways
-You know, I love that song.
And I like
your Ralston Purina suit, too.
-Mm-hmm.
-♪ Please me so
-Check.
Hey, it's God cam.
-Hmm.
-♪ Oh, I like
♪ What I know
-Hmm.
-♪ About you
-I see.
-Oh.
-Hmm.
-You know, I'm gonna miss her
and all her murderous ways.
-Mm-hmm.
-She was neat.
-Yeah.
In a sick sort of way.
-Mm-hmm.
-Well, Rod, 13 dead cops,
6 dead innocent bystanders,
a couple of dead bikers.
Good work.
I'd like to have you on my team
again sometime.
What do you think?
-♪ I held you in my arms
-Uh, signal the God cam.
-♪ 'Cause I get a kick
out of -- ♪
Oh, wrong song. Sorry.
[Chuckles]
-Louis, this could be the start
of a beautiful friendship.
-Man, when you were tryingto signal me, that was so funny.
I thought you were
kissing the girl.
I thought that was the sign.
Oh, boy.
Well, we can laugh
about it now, but...
-Yeah.
-Whatcha doing, now?
Hmm.
-Do you live alone?
-♪ About
-Would you like to?
-♪ You
-I've had enough.
Let's get out of here.
-Yeah, we should really go.
-Yeah.
-Come on.
-Oh, it's the end.
-You're getting heavy.
You know that? Whoa.
♪♪
♪♪
You know, guys, I feel great.
I'm flying high.
-Huh?
-Joel, how can you feel good
after that kidney stone
of a movie?
Ughhh.
-Huh?
-Yeah, I'm downright depressed.
If I had wrists, I'd contemplateslitting them right now.
-What? Huh?
-This movie was like
spending the weekend
with your dentist!
Ugh!
-Oh, you guys.
Listen, you got
to take it easier.
It's just a movie.
Yes, it was like being pulled
through a dark, tarry abyss.
But it's only a movie.You got to use your intelligence
to abstract yourself
from the pain, you know?
Like, yeah, the writer
was only interested
in shallow stereotypes
of mid-'60s sociopaths.
You just got to deal with it.
-Oh, I see.
The villains were so clichéd,
they were laughable. [Laughs]
-Right. That's it exactly.
-Oh.
And the hero was such a wimp,
his only heroic act
was to flash his headlights.
That's funny.
-Yeah!
-Yeah, you guys.
Keep in mind this is during
the Otto Preminger,
you know, time of film,
you know, like antihero, uh,
plots that didn't go anywhere,
that kind of thing.
-Oh!
So, the hero was supposed to be
unattractive and spineless.
-Exactly.
Now you're surfing on my wave.
-I get it.
-Take it, Tom Servo.
-Oh, um, well,
even though
this was one of the ugliest
extended families
in movie history,
they drove one of the finest
station wagons on the market.
-Hey, that was hysterical!
-Whoo! You know,
you're right, Joel.
Looking at the movie your way
makes me feel great!
-Yeah! I really like
this "Wild Rebel" thing!
-Yee-hoo!
-Yee-hoo!
-What the hell is
going on up there?!
-Really. I thought this film
was supposed to be
an emotional knee-capping
for you guys.
-Heh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Yee-hee-hee!
-Oh, I don't believe it, Frank.
This film had absolutely nothinggoing for it.
-An ugly cast and an ugly scriptdoing really stupid, uh...
[Laughs] I mean, wait a minute.
Think about it, though.
The Citrusville National Bank,
the hypodermic needle
putting the guard out.
I mean, it was so stupid,
it was kind of funny.
It had wit. It had charm.
It was quirky. It was off-beat.
I'm gonna give this one my
highest rating -- five skulls.
Whoo!
-I really thought we had you
this time, "Joely."
Don't you have a letter
to read or something?
-Yee-hoo!
-Whoo-hoo!
[Cheering, laughter]
-iArriba, arriba!
-Alright, alright, okay.
Back it off, you guys.
Cut it out.
Cut the music. Alright.
Alright, it's ti--
We got to read a letter,
you guys, here.
-Oh, letters! Great! Whoo-hoo!
-Okay.
Yeah.
This is an interesting one.
Um, it says, "Dear Joel, I am,
in fact, a scientist --"
[Balloon pops]
-Whoa!
-Whoa. Excuse me.
"I am an PhD immunologist.
I work at
the Pittsburgh Cancer Institute
and study natural killer cells."
What a great term that would be
in a science-fiction movie.
-Yeah. Cool.
-"Perhaps my background
gives me
a particular framework,
but I am a devoted
'MST 3000' fan."
-Aww. That's nice.
-"The letters you read each weekare still from children.
I guess a letter
from a 30-year-old scientist
without any drawings
doesn't have a prayer
in making it on the air,
so perhaps I should
come up with a drawing that's
from a Rebecca P. Shell, PhD."
-Oh.
-Hey, neat!
-And here's the drawing
right there.
-Cool.
-Let's get that on still store
there, Cambot.
-Not bad for a 30-year-old, huh?-Yeah.
-It says, "Who will win --
the natural killer cell
or Tom Servo?"
-Oh, no contest.
-Hey, give us some more music
there, Cambot.
-Alright!
-Yee-hoo!
-Hey!
-Whoo-hoo!
-Whee-hee-hee-hee!
-Okay, we'll see you later.
We're having a great time.
Wish you were here, scientist.
-Hey!
-No, no, no, no.
You win this time.
As for me, I've got to put
Frank down for the night.
Until next time.
-Yahhhhhhhh!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪