Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 3, Episode 6 - Ring of Terror - full transcript
A college med student's final fraternity initiation goes wrong when he's assigned to retrieve a gold ring from a cadaver he had recently performed an autopsy on.
♫ In the not-too-distant future
♫ Next Sunday, AD
♫ There was a guy named Joel
♫ Not too different than you or me
♫ He worked at Gizmodic Institute
♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuit
♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place
♫ But his bosses didn't like him
♫ So they shot him into space
(engine roars)
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst we can find, la-la-la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ And we'll monitor his mind, la-la-la
♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end, la-la-la
♫ Because he used those special parts
♫ To make his robot friends
(whirring)
♫ Robot roll-call
♫ Cambot
♫ Gypsy
- Hi, girls.
♫ Tom Servo
♫ Crow
♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes
♫ And other science facts, la-la-la
♫ Then repeat to yourself
♫ It's just a show
♫ I should really just relax
♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫
(guitar strums)
(engine chugging)
(door creaks)
(flames crackle)
(door slams)
(engine chugs)
(door thunks)
(door slams)
- Hey everybody.
My name's Joel.
Welcome to the
Satellite of Love.
(alarm beeps)
- [Robots] Woah, movie time, movie time!
(robots chuckle)
- He did it!
He actually did it!
- Hey, good one there, Cambot!
Boy, we really fazed him.
(Crow mumbles)
I didn't think he was that gullible!
- Ah, what a maroon!
(Tom laughs)
- [Voiceover] Control sign in five,
four,
three, two,
(robots laugh)
control sign out.
- Ah, hit the buzzer.
- I can't!
My arms are inoperable.
- And my good ones are in the shop, oh.
(Crow grunts)
("MST3K Theme")
(engine whirs)
- Uh-oh, uh,
it was all in fun, Joel!
(robots chuckle)
- We were just giving you the raz!
- (chuckles) Yeah.
- I'm just glad I programmed
you two knuckle-knobs
to give me some occasional
good-natured ribbing.
(robots chuckle and sigh)
Ah, wait.
It looks like it's time
for the invention exchange.
(gas hissing)
- (gasps) Mommy, mommy!
Don't look at me!
Don't ever look at me! (gasps)
- And don't drool this time!
Well, hello, booby.
This week's invention exchange
is an exciting foray into
the field of self-surgery,
much in keeping with the
theme of today's film.
All you need is a willing subject,
a can of nitrous oxide
and an oversized version of the game
Operation.
(latch clicks)
Operation!
The goofy game for dopey doctors!
Remove wrenched ankle.
- No, no!
Why, why?
(metal thunks)
Thank you.
- And it's all in the
name of science, you know?
But if you touch the sides...
(electricity buzzes)
(Frank screams)
(metal thunks)
- Thank you!
Well, you get the idea, don't you?
Don't you?
- [Tom] And you used to
work with these guys?
- Yeah, that's what I'm
talkin' about, you guys!
Again, me and the scientists
are in direct dichotomy.
They took Milton Bradley
and turned him into Doctor Phibes,
while I took this Day-Glo
x-ray fluoroscope,
chopped it, channeled it,
added some thrush pipes,
and came up with a game
that teaches you about
your body as you play!
- Hey, it's kinda like Twister!
- Yeah!
Everybody knows that food in your throat
is called bolus.
I call this game pin-bolus!
(robots laugh)
Get it?
Okay, as you can see, my
innards are all lit up.
(clears throat) I take this
ordinary, Day-Glo barium
meatball
and eat it. (gulps)
(ball clatters and bells ring)
- Wow!
- Okay, then, as you can see,
I can move my kidneys here,
and it's kinda like playing pinball!
(robots laugh)
- This gives a whole new meaning
to playing with your food,
doesn't it?
(Joel and Crow mutter)
- Hey, if you score enough points,
do you get an extra ball movement?
(Crow cackles)
- [Tom] Aw, good one!
And, uh, does hopping around
make it tilt or something?
- No, but it will make you throw up.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- And, (clears throat)
there's the pin-bolus!
(robots mutter)
Anyway,
what do you think, sirs?
- Oh, I'm feeling much better now.
Say,
could you give me a glass of juice
with one of those little
bendy straws on it?
I love those things.
- Can it, Frank!
- [Frank] Just delightful.
(electricity buzzes and Frank wails)
Well, Joel,
(Frank whimpers)
today's film is a
plotless little peccadillo
called Ring of Terror.
It's about some of the oldest
medical students in history.
Chomp on it, but don't choke!
(alarms blare)
(Joel and robots scream)
(engines chug)
(door clatters)
(door whooshes)
(door thuds)
(door chugs)
(door whirs)
(fire crackles)
(door crashes)
(ominous music)
- [Joel] Oh,
what's that, Tom?
It says--
- [Tom and Joel] "Centerville,
"a real great place to
raise your kids up."
- [Tom] Hm.
- [Joel] Wow.
- [Tom] Neat.
Hey, where do you suppose
those arrows are leading to?
- [Joel] Hm, I guess we'll fi--
(dramatic music)
(Joel and robots scream)
- [Tom] Playstar Productions?
I gotta look this one up.
Just a second, let's see.
Um.
Oh, here's the book.
Uh, (stutters) Ring of Terror,
1962.
Bomb.
Director Clark Paylow,
starring George Mather, Esther Furst,
Austin Green, Joseph Conway.
"A medical student must confront
"a corpse as a fraternity initiation prank
"in this low-budget moo-zer."
Huh.
- [Crow] Hm.
- [Crow] Well, can we go then?
- [Tom] I think this is the beginning
of a long, hard ride here.
- [Joel] Oh, let's go, uh, that way.
- [Tom] No, wait!
- [Joel] Hey!
- [Tom] We're supposed to go that
way.
What gives?
Hm.
- [Joel] Hey,
hi, everybody.
(solemn march music)
Oh, I see.
(robots grumble)
- [Tom] Yeah, it's one of those.
♫ Look for the Union radar
♫ When you are dying and the ♫
- [Crow] Look, Lyndon LaRouche's brother!
They just bought drugs
from the Queen of England!
- [Joel] Shoes by Botany 500,
body by Fischer.
- [Crow] He looks like Count Chocula.
- [Tom] Shouldn't they
have their high beams on?
- [Joel] It must be cold.
- [Tom] Okay, everybody on set
for the big Cossack number!
- [Joel] Oh, the caterers are here.
They must be serving Tombstone pizza.
(Tom laughs)
- [Tom] Aw, look, she's mad
'cause she just lost her
job on Petticoat Junction.
Ah, get that camera outta my face!
- [Joel] Ah, The Funeral, by Henry Gibson.
- [Tom] Bocchia-cha-cha-chio,
that's my favorite Italian wine.
♫ Paylow, Palow
♫ Director's gone and
they want to go home ♫
- [Tom] Yeah, I'm the last guy in line.
And I like being there.
Go ahead and lay a,
never mind.
- [Joel] A graveyard?
What a coincidence?
Then they can bury the
script for this thing.
- [Tom] From the graveyard
of motion pictures,
comes Ring of Terror.
(gentle music)
- [Joel] Funeral group?
- [Crow] Where'd they go?
- [Tom] Funeral guys!
- [Joel] Hey!
- [Tom] Funeral guys!
- [Crow] Where are they hiding?
- [Tom] Where are they?
- [Crow] I told Morris to
bury me in a mausoleum!
- [Joel] Hey!
Funeral guys!
- [Tom] Guys?
- [Tom] Oh, wait a minute.
- [Joel] Hey, guys.
- [Tom] Somebody open that?
- [Joel] That thing's
getting really close.
- [Crow] Ah, it's an automatic gate.
It'll open.
- [Tom] Gonna get crushed.
- [Joel] Hey, no, I don't think so!
- [Crow] Yeah!
- [Tom] I'm gonna climb
- [Joel] Hey, hey!
- From over here.
- [Joel] That's not funny!
- [Tom] Hey open that gate!
- [Joel] Hey, do you mind?
(Tom screams)
We're getting too close!
We're gonna crash!
Just please, oh!
- [All] Oh!
(robots sigh)
- [Crow] Thank you.
(Joel sighs)
- [Joel] Hey, check it out!
Bob Dobson,
from the Church of the SubGenius!
- [Tom] The Almighty Bob!
- [Joel] Hm.
- [Tom] Hi, I'm the life of the party.
- [Voiceover] Good evening, friends.
- [Crow] I'm a lamp!
- Let me invite you for a
stroll down Graveyard Lane.
- [Joel] Oh, it's Joel Franklin.
- Where beauty and love abide.
And in death,
we are born to eternal life.
- [Tom] Mr. Magoo!
What happened to you?
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Gloomy Gus!
- [Joel] Ah, life!
(Tom sighs)
- All monuments, from the
simplest to the most elaborate,
stand erect on the
closed books of the lives
of our beloved departed.
- [Joel and Crow] Huh?
- [Tom] What the?
And each marker would hold many stories.
Some filled with happiness.
Some
filled with sorrow.
- [Joel] Some
filled with a creamy nougat center!
(robots chuckle)
- [Crow] We'll just wait here, then, huh?
Mister?
- [Tom] Uh, hey there?
- [Joel] Behind your head?
- [Crow] Hey!
- [Tom] Here, yeah.
- [Joel] Hi.
- What would they do
if they had the chance
to relive their lives?
- [Tom] Uh, I'd get out of here.
- [Crow] I'd buy Polaroid.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- What would you do?
- [Tom] Oh, we'd hunt you
down to the ends of the earth,
buddy!
Oh, hi!
- [Joel] Um.
- [Crow] We're over here.
(door creaks)
- [Tom] Uh, this way.
- [Joel] Right here.
- [Tom] Right down here!
Down here, guy!
Down here!
(Joel mumbles)
- Puma!
- [Tom] What?
- [Joel] Ah, Humor.
You missed that section on the bookshelf.
Hm?
- [Tom] Uh,
we'll just, uh,
stay here, then.
- [Joel] Yoo-ma, hoo-ma?
- [Tom] What's yoo-ma?
Too-ma?
Tumor!
He dropped a tumor!
- [Crow] Oh!
He got a tumor
(man calling out)
and he can't find it.
- [Man] Puma!
Hm, I think that's what it's--
- [Joel] Let's try the yoo-ma!
- [Man] Puma!
- [Tom] Johnny Yoo-ma. (mumbles)
(man mumbles)
- [Joel] Ray gun?
- [Man] Where are you?
- [Tom] Hm, I don't get it.
- [Man] Puma!
- [Tom] Oh, yo-yo!
Yo Yo Ma!
It's his favorite cellist!
- [Joel] Ah.
- [Crow] Oh!
- [Crow] In a graveyard?
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] Well--
- [Man] Don't be afraid, Puma!
Don't be afraid!
- [Joel] Ray Hay Ketchum's buried there.
- [Tom] No.
(ominous music)
- [Man] Puma!
- [Joel] Plot's around here somewhere.
- [Tom] Huma, I think.
I think, oh--
- [Man] Oh.
- [Man] There you are, Puma!
- [Tom] Look!
- [Crow] Ah, it's a little kitty!
- [Man] Nice kitty.
(robot screeches)
Yes.
(robot purring)
Nice Puma.
- [Crow] Nice kitty.
(robots screech and spit)
(all chuckle)
- Yes, Puma.
- [Tom] Yes.
Now, let's you and I go
through the storm, huh?
- [Tom] Through the kitchen!
- [Joel] We'll make a nice burrito!
(cat screeches)
- [Tom] Oh, that's nice.
I'm calling Betty White.
- [Man] I'm sorry, Puma.
I didn't mean to step on you!
- [Joel] Sure.
- [Tom] Yeah, right!
- [Crow] (screeches) Run, run this way!
(Tom laughs)
- Puma!
- [Tom] Fuma!
Puma!
- [Tom] Isn't this a
little redundant, buddy?
- Puma?
- [Joel] (laughs) The way he's walking!
(robots chuckle)
- [Man] Puma!
- [Crow} (Panting) Think!
Don't tell him where I am!
Hide me!
- [Man] Don't be afraid!
- [Joel] You're okay, little fella.
(cat meows)
- [Tom] Caught.
- There, Puma.
Come to (drowned out by robots screeching)
I didn't mean to step on you!
- [Tom] I meant to kill you!
(cat meows)
- [Tom] Move your head.
- Lewis B. Moffitt.
- [Tom] Sat on a toffit.
- February third, 1933.
November 17, 1955.
- [Tom] If the man is still alive.
- I fear not. (laughs evilly)
- [Tom] I don't think so!
- I remember him.
- [Crow] Mm-hm.
I remember.
- [Joel] Yeah?
Tell us about it!
- [Man] Lewis B. Moffitt.
- [Tom] Uh-huh.
(Crow chatters)
(harp strumming)
- [Crow] Hmm.
Buy hand lotion.
(jazzy dance music)
Hm, magazine.
- [Tom] Hm, cookie!
- [Joel] Try to get along with the others!
(Tom's arm rattles)
- Hey, I'm goin' to the cafeteria!
- [Joel] To go get my forehead lengthened!
- Just waiting for you!
- [Guy] I'm ready!
- Come on, dude!
The girls will be there!
- [Tom] Huh?
- [Crow] Geez, Joel, he looks
old to be a college student!
- To the cafeteria!
- [Joel] Come on!
- Not now.
Maybe later!
- Say, when is your first
lecture in dissection?
- It's any day now.
- They haven't told us what
everybody's wondering.
(student mumbles)
- Professor Rayburn is a terrific cut-up!
(gurgles)
(robots laugh)
- [Crow] I love that joke.
- And Gerald McLew?
- Physically, I'm fine.
But technically--
- [Joel] I'm all messed up inside.
- I gotta keep hitting the books.
- Betty might be at the cafeteria.
- [Tom] Well, I gotta
keep hitting her, too.
- Ah, go on, let's leave him!
Let's go, fellas!
- [Joel] Yeah, okay, I'm
not into chili peppers,
you know?
- [Tom] Yeah, let's all go.
- [Tom] Let's all go.
- [Joel] Hate chili peppers.
Love hamburgers.
- [Tom] (inhales) Oh, see, where was I?
Oh, yeah.
"See Dick.
"See Dick make a lateral incision."
("MST3K Theme")
- [Woman] Quite frankly,
I was never so bored in all my life.
- [Joel] Did you touch it?
- He pulled back on the drive,
and the first thing he did
was turn the car light on.
- On?
(sighs)
- [Joel] That kooks me out!
(robot laughs)
- Then he opened the glove compartment,
took out some papers--
- [Tom] And rolled a big spleef!
- And read me seven chapters
from a book he's writing!
- What's the name of the book?
- [Crow] Tropic of Cancer.
- Oh, I remember.
He called it the Veet Evolution.
- [Tom] The beef evolution?
- Alice, are you sure there
were no callers for me today?
- [Joel] Sorry, Sno-cone.
(women mumble)
- [Tom] Who is she Janice Ian?
- [Joel] She looks like a model
for Resusci-Annie.
- Gee, that's funny.
When Lewis says he'll call,
he's always right on the dot.
- [Tom] Yeah, a purple
micro-dot. (chuckles)
- I wonder if anything's wrong.
- Are you kidding?
Nothing will ever happen to that one!
- Why not?
He's just like any other human being!
- [Joel] Well, he's got a prehensile tail.
- Not from what I hear!
- What do you hear, Alice?
- Well,
Jerry says he's got
nerves that won't quit.
- My boyfriend Seymour says he likes him.
- Alice, you were saying something
I sure wish you'd finish.
- [Tom] It sounds like it was recorded
in somebody's bathroom,
(women chatter)
doesn't it?
- Well, you might not if you understood.
- Do you understand it?
- I think I do!
Well, pretty well, anyway.
I always get the feeling
that there's a fight
going on inside of him.
- [Joel] Between male and female!
- I can't quite sum it to you,
but it's like there were
two people inside there,
two separate personalities
trying to gain control.
- [Tom] Glen and Glenda!
(Tom chuckles)
(women mumble)
- But I know how I feel when I'm with him.
- Betty, I think you're in love with him!
- [Crow] I feel a song coming on!
(Tom sings)
- It could be.
If it weren't for one thing.
- What's that?
- [Joel] I look like Resusci-Annie.
- Nothing seems to shake him!
He's not afraid of anything!
It might hurt him someday.
What do you think?
- [All] You're high!
- I'd go crazy trying to
figure the answer to that one!
- I'm going to call him!
- [Tom] Oh!
Go!
- Well, it's gonna start
getting pretty sticky in here
in a few minutes.
(robots mutter)
- [Joel] Let it lay, you guys!
- [Tom] Okay.
(Alice mumbles)
- See you at the cafeteria!
- [Tom] Bye.
- Come on, let's go to the cafeteria!
- [Joel] Did she say cafeteria?
- [Tom] Cafeteria?
- [Crow] Wow!
(Joel, Crow and Tom chatter)
(telephone rings)
- [Tom] Uh, could you get that, son?
Oh, I forget that I am a college student.
Sorry.
(phone clatters)
- Hello?
This is Lewis Moffitt.
Betty!
I missed you at the cafeteria!
- I was at the hairdresser's.
- [Crow] Getting a punch job.
- Oh?
On account of our date?
(Tom giggle)
- What else?
- (chuckles) Well, you're
gonna be the slickest chick
at that ever-lovin' hop!
- [Tom] 'Cause I'm gonna
What are you doing?
coach you with bear grease.
- Waiting for you to ask me
what I'm doing!
- [Joel] I just did!
- (chuckles) Well, the gang
have gone down to the cafeteria.
Would you like to join 'em?
- [Joel] For some Wilding?
- I'll bring it up.
- Now that's what I call service!
- [Tom] Oo!
Send Mister Moffitt's car
around to the door, James!
- [Tom] Oh, I love it
when he calls me James!
- [Joel] Aw, she's the ginchest!
Life does begin at 40!
- [Tom] And let's see. (grunts)
Oo, that bursitis is
really acting up today!
- [Crow] I'm gonna have to take a sweater!
My legs are old, my teeth are gray.
(traffic whooshes)
- [Tom] Oh, good brakes!
- [Lewis] Gee, you must
have jets on this heap!
- My launching pad is
only three blocks away,
remember?
- [Joel] Oo!
- [Lewis] Yeah!
- [Joel] Yeah don't get me started.
My missile's ready to fire!
- [Crow] The Shadow has cleared the tower!
- (mutters) To the moon!
- [Betty] To the moon!
- [Tom] To the moon,
Alice.
- Can't we spend a quiet evening?
Like, alone?
- [Tom] What do you mean?
Alone alone
(Lewis mumbles)
or metaphorically alone?
- The fellas oughta all be
together in case he does!
You know, the autopsy's being
conducted at City Morgue and
John Does don't grow on slabs every day!
(robots chuckles)
- We wouldn't be gone long.
- [Joel] If I know you!
- Okay, we go for a short drive,
moonlight
and then to the cafeteria!
(Joel and robots purr and screech)
(engine rumbles)
(muffled shouting)
(muffled wailing)
- [Joel] Oh.
The dump again?
- [Tom] It's not a dump!
It's a sanitary landfill!
Obviously, a joke.
(piano music)
- [Joel] Bob has a problem.
(Tom scatting)
Bob wasn't careful, you see,
so he's paying the price.
- [Crow] I just love
these outdoor piano bars!
- [Betty] Aren't they lovely?
(twig snaps)
- [Tom] Uh, ow, eh!
How would you like it
if somebody picked apples off of you?
- [Joel] Have you ever been whipped
with a magnolia frond, dear?
(Tom mumbles)
(crickets chirp)
(robot murmuring)
- [Joel] Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me?
- [Tom] You forgot to
put your teeth in, Jim.
- I wish you were studying
law or architecture
or engineering or
anything except medicine!
- [Tom] My mother wanted me
to marry a street musician!
- Just because your father was a doctor,
doesn't mean you have
to carry on with a life
that was set by someone else!
- Betty, we've been over all that before.
I'm studying medicine not
because Dad was a doctor,
but because--
- [Tom] I'm old!
(Lewis mumbles)
I've got a practice!
I've been a respected doctor for 20 years!
- I'm not afraid of any of it!
I'm not afraid of the blood or the corpses
or the operations!
- [Joel] That's why I love you!
- That's very important for a doctor
to do his duties well!
I'm sorry, Betty,
if you're not interested in all that.
- It's my fault, darling.
I'll never bring up the subject again!
- [Crow] I'm that codependent!
(robots slurping)
(horror music)
- [Joel] Hi, I'm Satan!
This is what happens when
you do the hanky panky
before you're married!
Let's watch the fun!
Really!
(Crow slurps)
- [Tom] Oh Captain Spalding!
- [Joel] Cooking.
Lucky for me,
someone set a bale of hay by the door!
What a hoot!
Don't pollute!
'Scuse me, gotta get in here!
Pardon me!
(Crow laughs)
'Scuse me!
(robots slurping)
Uh, just gettin' in here.
'Scuse me!
Just be a moment. (gulps)
Pull in the tail section.
Yup, that's a lot better.
- [Tom] Oh!
I hit somethin'!
- [Tom] (slurps) Oh, Steve,
put my truss back on!
- [Joel] Slip of the tongue,
that's what I do!
(snake tail rattles)
- [Tom] Huh?
(dramatic music)
Uh-oh.
Is that you?
- [Joel] Come on, old man,
let's mix it up a bit!
What do you say?
- It's a rattler! (muttering)
- [Joel] I'm your worst
nightmare, old timer!
Come on, mix it up!
- [Tom] What's he doin'?
- [Joel] Ah, come on!
- [Tom] Ooh! Stupid old snake!
Ooh!
- [Crow] I'm gonna turn you
into a pair of boots!
- [Joel] Oh, think, yeah,
you're a big man, huh?
Had to use a stick!
Come on!
Man to man, me and you!
Oh, yeah, don't oh!
Thanks a lot!
Ow, owie!
Oh, oh, oh!
- [Crow] Stupid old snake!
You ruined everything!
- [Tom] Welcome to America, snakie!
Tell your friends!
- [Crow] He did the mamba mambo!
(Tom chuckles and sighs)
- [Crow] Now where were we?
I believe I had my tongue
down your throat!
- Are you all right, Betty?
- I'm all right, Lewis!
- [Tom] Oh, get me my
nitro pills, would you?
- You're not afraid of anything!
Not anything!
- [Joel] Except our intimacy.
- [Tom] Hm.
- [Joel] Boy, I hate these 4:00 AMs!
(Tom yawns)
(upbeat music)
- [Tom] Hey!
Campus cafeteria!
Snazzy name for a hot club, huh?
- [Crow] Yeah!
- [Tom] Hey, guys,
it's the Dave Brubeck Quartet,
appearing at the cafeteria tonight!
- [Crow] He looks more
like a Davey Brubeck.
- [Tom] Dave Junior and the Kids.
That's a big sound for 16.
- [Crow] So that's when we frag 'em!
What do you say? (grumbles)
- [Tom] I am Queasy.
I can't stop turning my neck!
See?
Look!
- I'm Wormy!
I have rubbed armpits
and an extra big toe!
- [Crow] Hey, how is that guy
playing a saxophone with his lap?
- [Joel] Hey, music kid?
- [Tom] Use that jaw!
- [Joel] Let's go!
Play!
(robot slurping)
- [Tom] Boy, I love
these toenail clippings!
- [Crow] Ugh.
- [Joel] Hey, six inches, everybody!
Come on!
- [Tom] Sorry, split up!
- [Joel] Hi, Grandpa!
- [Crow] Well, here's your syrup, boys!
Chug-a-lug!
What about our pancakes?
- [Tom] Now these two have a problem.
- Now, which one of the three
sodas did you like the best?
- [Crow] Oh, the next one!
- I enjoyed 'em all!
(Tom laughs)
I'd like to try a raspberry!
- [Joel] Hm!
- You'll have another
one with me? (laughs)
(Crow moans)
(man mumbles)
- Well, all right.
Hey, Howard!
Give me another one, will ya?
- What is it, Tiny?
- [Tom] Pick me up.
He's trying to hold--
- [Crow] Can I walk?
(robots mumble)
- Make us the raspberry,
will ya?
Hey, make it two!
- Two raspberry sodas!
For the last of the big time spender!
(doors clatter)
(flames crackle)
(doors thud)
(engine chugs)
(door slams)
(door thuds)
(door slams)
(door clatters)
- Hey, Cambot,
could you run that music from the movie?
Let's do that thing we worked out.
I got the drawings here.
- Okay.
(upbeat music)
Is your college meeting your needs?
Do you find you've plopped
down into the library's
cushy chairs and then
just can't get back up?
- Do you often refer to the
head of the English department
as "Young Man"?
- Do you wish those
frat parties would ditch
all that annoying fun
and serve you a nice hot
cup of chamomile tea?
Then you should join us at the Old School.
- Yes, it's the Old School.
As seen on Playstar
Productions' hit movie,
Ring of Terror.
Now let's acquaint you
with some of the features
at this fine university.
Joel?
- Why, thank you, Thomas!
This campus sprawls
beautifully, but safely,
over one tenth of a square mile,
nestled between the Irene Rye Hip Clinic
and the Royal Gear Institute
for Truss Research.
Mister Crow?
- Thank you,
Sir.
You just finished with
one of Doctor Rayburn's
fine lectures on blue rinses,
and you and your walker
are spoilin' for fun!
Hey, why not head down,
slowly,
to the athletic facility located just off
War Story Park?
The school team, the Larks,
look forward to another terrific season!
- Cheer them on from your
backa lounger in the bleachers,
as you do the nod!
Or belt out the school song,
"It's a good day for a BM!"
- You know,
these kids really know
how to have a good time!
It's not uncommon at all
for the more excited winners
to dump a whole cooler
of Gera on their unwitting coach's head!
(robots chuckle)
But, you know, it's not all fun and games
for these oldsters!
The curriculum's tough, tough, tough!
- That's right!
There's Napping 111
with the fearsome Doctor Prowler,
a man so mean, he once
expelled an entire class
just for snoring too loud!
- [Tom] There is
upper-level soup slurping!
And advanced Check-paying
and Tip-shorting!
- [Joel] Corn Sanding
and Bunion Counseling
right on campus!
- [Crow] And when your
grandkids come to visit,
you'll receive a fully-researched
dossier on each of 'em
so you can tell them apart!
- But that's not all!
Last year, the lecture council brought in
some amazing speakers!
Among them is Estelle
Getty, Lawrence Welk,
Laird Brooks Schmidt, Art Linkletter,
and, inexpicably, Garrett Morris.
- [Crow] Huh?
- So, send for your free
catalog today!
Join us
at the Old School!
Our motto:
(speaking Latin),
which means,
"Let's get rid of those
annoying liver spots!"
And remember, if you're over 50,
you cannot be turned down!
("MST3K Theme")
(upbeat music)
Hey, let's say we bust loose
and get some nice hot basket!
(robots giggle)
- [Crow] Hey, let's look at the girls!
(Joel and robots cat-calling)
- [Tom] You'll stand up,
not me, though.
(students chatter)
- [Crow] Hey, quit moving
those chairs around!
- [Student] I'd tell that Moffitt.
He rarely messes with anybody or anything.
- [Tom] Hm.
Strange.
(students mumble)
- You're forgetting Betty Crocker!
- [Tom] Betty Crocker?
What she sees in him,
I'll never know.
She's beautiful.
And smart, too.
- [Crow] And boy can she cook!
- Yes, she's very devoted to him!
Doesn't play the field!
Like some girls I know!
- [Joel] What a burn!
- Is the coming to the
house tomorrow night?
- Yeah, with Lewis.
- He won't be there!
Not if the autopsy's for tomorrow night.
(Tom smacks kiss)
- Him and 15 other guys!
All of you will be dancing
with tears in your eyes,
'cause the boy in your arms is a girl!
- [Tom] Sounds good to me!
- You doctors-to-be always
spoil our social life
with your all-night studying routines!
- All part of a doctor's training!
Getting used to the irregular
hours of a doctor's life!
- [Tom] And just getting
used to being irregular!
- Oh, here they come now!
- [Tom] Hm!
- [Tom] Look, gang.
- Gee, it looks like
she's just seen a ghost!
- [Crow] Or a snake!
- [Tom] Hey, we just finished making out
our wills! (chuckles)
- Hey, gang, what's new?
- [Crow] Not us!
(students chatter)
- [Alice] We thought you
took her to the morgue
to look at all the dad bodies!
(Lewis chuckles)
- I've just had a rendez-vous
with a rattlesnake!
- [Crow] Didja touch it?
- It crawled into the car
while we were parked!
(robot grumbles)
But Lewis killed it!
- Gee, no wonder she's pale!
- I'd have fainted!
- [Robots] What?
- Lou, I saw Professor
Rayburn on the way down.
He said the coroner might
have a stiff ready for us--
- [Crow] Say, we took
care of that already!
- That's great!
- Yeah, soon as the City
Coroner confirms it!
He'll let us know the exact time!
- [Joel] The guy's not dead yet.
He's just really old.
(students mutter)
- [Tom] It's getting better!
- Hey, and maybe it won't
happen tomorrow night.
- [Crow] Let's eat!
- [Joel] Mm-mm!
(students laugh and chatter)
- [Tom] These are baked hams!
And this Karen Fiddly sent them over!
- Check?
Hey, is this the price,
or is that your telephone number? (laughs)
(robots laugh and groan)
- It wasn't that, Tiny!
I wrote that one about five years ago!
- [Joel] (mumbles) Chinese!
(student chatters)
- Come on, let's eat.
- [Crow] Hey, where's my diet cola?
(dishes clatter)
- [Joel] Mm-mm.
- This is great!
- [Joel] Yeah.
- Cy-form tablets.
Help to keep the weight down!
I gotta make that fraternity!
- [Tom] We've secretly
switched Tiny's coffee
with chicken-fried Brookline gravy!
Let's watch and see what happens!
(robot gags and all laugh)
- [Joel] Let a whole
bunch of fat puns loose
and it's still acceptable to laugh at it.
(robots chuckle)
- [Tom] Hey!
- You know what?
I hear that music is a real
fine form of exercise!
- [Crow] Let's eat some!
Especially dancing to it, too!
You wanna?
- Sure!
(Joel slurps)
- [Tom] Finish it off, Joel.
(Joel slurps)
- [Joel] Looks like a precursor
to the monster truck rallies!
- [Tom] Yee-hoo!
Oh that's real chubby!
♫ Rattle, rattle, thunder clatter,
♫ boom, boom, boom ♫
- [Tom] Oh, no, that's me.
Whoo!
What's goin' on here?
- [Crow] Praying mantis!
- [Joel] Oh, even I've
gotta laugh! (chuckles)
- [Tom] An interpretive dance showing
how plate tectonics works.
- [Joel] Chortle.
Chortle.
(Tom rattles)
- [Crow] We really are cool cats!
- [Tom] Yeah, they are.
- [Joel] Even the truck
driver and his chicks
gotta laugh!
- [Crow] Okay, now who's
makin' a trumpet noise?
I don't see no trumpet.
- [Joel] They're laughing
through their instruments!
- [Tom] I can tell.
Ugh, look out.
Thump.
Yep, yep, yep. (chuckles)
At least they're having
a good time, you know?
- [Joel] That's a good stroke candidate.
(students laughing)
Oh, you were enjoyed!
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
- [Tom] Meanwhile in the Edith
Evans College for Grown-Ups.
- The frosh look like
they're gonna provide
a lot of kicks these year, Howard!
- [Tom] These year?
He said these year.
- [Man] What are you gonna
cook up for them this year?
- Well, the radiology
class has some new routines
worked out for the budding medics!
- [Crow] We're thinkin'
of takin' advantage
of the freshmen's osteoporosis!
- I even got a hold of some stunts
tried out at Yale and Cornell!
Not to mention
jolly old Oxford!
(Joel and robots groan)
- They even have one from
the University of Naples,
which dates way, way back!
- Bella Napoli!
So whatta ya gotta Faizani
- [Tom] Shut up!
- To tell you the truth,
it's pretty gruesome.
I'd hate to be one of the fellas
on the receiving end!
- [Tom] Isn't that Don DeFor
from TV's Hazel?
- Wow, that's terrific!
Hey, what (mumbles)?
- Nuh-uh, buddy.
Not with meeting!
'Sides, we can't give the pledges
out their routines
until after I sit down and make out
their first autopsy!
- [Joel] Probably hates them too!
- [Crow] You mean autopsy!
- We'll meet tonight!
(upperclassman muttering loudly)
- [Joel] Kill that guy!
- [Tom] Kill him!
- [Crow and Tom] Kill him!
- [Joel] Hey, come on, you guys!
There's a fire at the mort sci building!
- [Tom] Hm.
- [Crow] Get the marshmallows!
- [Lewis] Professor Rayburn!
- Hello, Moffitt!
- [Tom] How's the toffit?
- Professor Rayburn, may
I ask a favor of you?
- Why certainly, what is it?
- [Joel] Uh, is it okay
if I kiss up to you?
- (mutters) to use a student
to assist you at your autopsies.
- Yes, but that shouldn't concern you.
I usually pick seniors!
- [Tom] I never want
anyone that's older than me.
- If I might help you.
- That's odd!
Most of the fellas try to dodge it!
- [Crow] Why, you
couldn't be a day over 40!
- They give me all kinds
of lame-duck excuses!
From a heart condition to athlete's foot!
- [Joel] Alzheimers to broken hips!
- Well, may I, sir?
- All right!
I'll tell you what you do.
You, uh, you go by the
morgue, just before class,
and slip into a surgical gown.
- [Crow] And that's all.
(Lewis and professor mutter)
Then take a cold shower
and hop up on a slab!
- Well, thank you very much.
I appreciate it, sir.
- [Tom] What a jerk.
- [Crow] Oh, to be 40 again!
- [Crow] Idiot!
(siren wails)
- [Joel] Hey,
check it out you guys!
Here comes the school activity bus!
The prom queen probably
had a stroke or something!
- [Tom] Yeah, the school
song is called "Code Blue"!
Yeah, that's Randolph Manters
behind the wheel there,
and hope he's gettin' the mood
in the Heimlich here.
- [Joel] You gotta get that
in every movie, don't you?
- [Tom] Yeah, I'm sorry.
- [Crow] Emergency 911.
- [Joel] Hey, look!
Everything's made
by the Japanese!
- [Tom] Japanese!
Man.
(Tom shouts in mock Japanese)
- [Tom] Got Godzilla in
the back of the truck!
Anna-Tommy,
that must be where they do A-topsies.
- [Joel] They make toys there.
- [Crow] Hm, let's see.
The hip bone is connected to the, um.
Ah.
(telephone rings)
Yes?
- [Joel] Hello?
I'm calling from the other line!
- This is Doctor Rayburn.
- [Joel] Mm-hm.
- Oh, oh, yes, Carl!
- [Joel] Uh, hi, yeah, my name's Carl!
- You have one ready?
- [Joel] Yeah, I have one ready.
Definitely.
- No, no!
No, it's not too late!
- [Joel] No, it's not
too late, good hours,
but I was wondering if you'd--
I would rather have it tonight!
- [Joel] Oh, good, it's
not gonna be too late?
- You see, tomorrow is Saturday, and--
- [Joel] Tomorrow's Saturday, sir.
- There's no class
until Monday!
- [Joel] So, you would tell
we need it soon.
- Oh, that'll be fine!
- [Joel] Mm-hm, I'll get it to you
right now.
- Yes.
- [Joel] Right away.
- Yes, yes, I'll notify
the class immediately!
- [Joel] Hm.
- [Joel] Good, would you tell the class?
- Thank you!
- [Tom] That'd be great.
- [Joel] Hey, where, uh!
(phone clicks in receiver)
Oh!
Anyway, I wasn't done talking!
I really would like to
finish up my conversation--
- [Tom] Oh, let's see here,
one, nine, seven, six, corpse. (chuckles)
Hello! (grunts)
(telephone rings)
(television show rumbles)
- [Crow] Right in the middle of Bonanza!
- [Tom] Better get that.
It could be the phone.
(gunshots blasting)
- Hello?
- Uh, this is Professor Rayburn speaking.
- [Tom] Gene Rayburn!
- [Tom] When Stanley grabs
- Oh, Doctor Rayburn!
his tools, he blanks. (chuckles)
- Ah, will you notify the boys
to be at the city morgue,
315 Broadway,
at 8:45 tonight?
- [Crow] Wear loose-fitting clothes
and have a two-minute song prepared.
- The city morgue?
315 Broadway.
(gunshots blasting)
- [Joel] Now I know
that's a lot of numbers
for you to remember.
- [Rayburn] Thank you!
- Right!
(telephone thuds)
- [Joel] Hey.
- This is it fellas!
- [Joel] We're goin' to Broadway!
(Joel and robots cheer)
- [Tom] All right, yeah!
- I'll go over to Morrison Hall--
- [Tom] Broadway!
- And, Jim, you go to the North Dormitory
and spread the word around!
- [Crow] Tom, you go long.
You, put on that band uniform!
You, grab those things!
- [Tom] And you!
- [Tom] And you!
And you!
You know what to do!
Hey,
Morrison Hall.
Break on through, dudes.
- [Joel] Mm, there's the door
of perception over there.
- [Student] Hurry up!
- [Tom] That's right.
We have to be over
at the morgue in 15 minutes!
Howard, can we use your station wagon?
- [Joel] It's one of the biggest
in the world!
(Howard mumbles)
- And Jerry,
you can take six, can't you?
- [Joel] I always do!
- Yeah I can take six with me!
- Good!
We'll see ya there.
And remember,
315 Broadway!
Come on, let's go!
(robot cheers)
♫ Oh, we're going to see the dead guy
♫ We're going to see the dead guy
♫ Hoo ♫
- [Crow] So all 55 students
crammed like clowns,
their aging, brittle bones
carefully placed in the station wagon,
with not one head rising above the seat!
And they kept their blinker on
(car rumbles)
the whole way.
- [Tom] Phew!
(Joel and robots blubber and sing)
("MST3K Theme")
(traffic whooshes)
- [Joel] Okay, look sharp, teen gang!
I want everyone to be
on their best behavior!
- [Tom] And so the
students from clown college
arrive, pile out of the
car and enter the mortuary.
- [Student] Run upstairs, upstairs!
- [Crow] Hurry!
- [Joel] It's like the
dead guy can't wait.
- [Tom] City Morgue, we deliver!
- [Rayburn] Gentlemen,
this is your first
gastrovascular dissection!
- [Crow] Or, at least, the
first one sanctioned by us.
- It is the threshold of
your future medical career!
- [All] Uh-huh, yeah, go on.
Yeah, sure.
- Some of us may succeed,
and some of us may falter.
- [Tom] But words will never hurt us!
- [Rayburn] However strong we may feel--
- [Joel] Our bones are very brittle!
- [Rayburn] Some of us cannot overcome
certain inner emotions.
- [Joel] Like love.
- When we view an autopsy of this kind,
let me say to you to feel free
to leave the class.
- [Tom] To do the technicolor yawn.
- [Joel] To blow chow!
- [Crow] To chuck the chow on
the white porcelain throne!
- [Tom] To summon the earl.
- Accustom ourselves
to the callousness
- [Crow] Of the script.
of what is to follow.
(Tom chuckles)
Mister Moffitt!
- [Tom] Show the boys your toffit!
- [Rayburn] Will you roll
in Mister John Doe, please?
- [Joel] Oh, with pleasure, sir.
I'd be happy to do it!
- [Tom] Kiss up.
- [Crow] I'm queasy!
- [Tom] I'm Nauseous!
- [Joel] I'm Sickin'!
- [Crow] I'm hungry, too!
- [Tom] Bump-bump, bump-bump, bump-bump.
Oh, I forgot he's dead.
Hm.
- [Joel] Okay, okay, let's go!
Let's go!
- [Tom] It all looks so good!
- [Joel] Hm!
(dramatic music)
(robots gasp)
- Mister John Doe
left this world with one possession,
one.
- [Crow] Dibs, dibs!
A gold ring.
- [Joel] Hey, check out that guy!
He's got a really cute wrist!
- [Tom] Ah, not as cute as his down there!
- [Crow] I know they're
lookin' at my wrist.
- We shall begin
- [Tom] The begane!
with a pectoral incision!
- [Tom] Bum, bum, bum!
(ominous music)
Bum, bum!
- [Joel] Ooh, I'm so ashamed!
- [Tom] I've been living a lie!
- [Crow] Oh, I want a
potato sandwich, too!
- [Joel] Teacher's pet!
Now, earlier today,
I baked a corpse at 425 degrees.
- [Tom] Dum, dum, dum.
- [Rayburn] Then we follow
with an abdominal incision!
- [Tom] And a light lemon-chiffon sauce!
With shallots.
(Joel moans)
- We have now exposed
the gastrovascular cavity.
- [Crow] Which should be
stuffed with a sage dressing.
- We have cut through the epidermis.
And you see this yellow mass.
That's the fatty tissue.
- [Tom] Which should be
whipped into stiff peaks!
- [Joel] Oh, the fatty, oh!
Hm.
- [Rayburn] We then proceed to the right!
And locate the dew-wattle.
- [Joel] Oh, the da-wah, oh!
- Now, gentlemen,
please pay close attention!
- [Crow] The show is down here, gentlemen!
- [Rayburn] I'm about to show you.
- [Joel] Uh, say, huh, doctor guy?
Uh, could we have some
of those tools up here?
We got another one up here!
- [Rayburn] By the muscles.
- [Rayburn] Now this is most
important in the human body.
- [Joel] My boss.
He always goes on like this!
Now, on with the show!
- [Tom] Uh, mic up, please?
Microphone!
- [Joel] Audio!
- [Crow] You come in here with
a corpse filled with mush,
and you leave vomiting profusely!
- [Joel] Remind me to never
eat those Spaghetti-Os.
- [Crow] One day, that'll be me.
- [Joel] I just said remind me not to eat
any more Spaghetti-Os!
Now what do you need?
I'm talkin' to you!
I don't need--
- [Tom] (scoff) How's it goin'
so far?
I gotta eat soon.
I got a Grateful Dead concert to go to.
Hey, wait a minute!
(Rayburn mumbles under soft audio)
- [Crow] You do the hokey-pokey,
turn yourself around.
That's really what it's all about!
- It's really very simple!
Now that we've, uh, made
the pectoral incision,
I want you to notice
all the fleshy tissue--
- [Joel] Around my waist!
(Tom chuckles)
- This man must have led a
very full and active life.
- [Crow] 'Cause there's a
squirrel in his stomach!
(Rayburn mutters)
- [Rayburn] But his muscle
structure up in his chest--
- [Tom] Oh, cancel that
trip to the White Castle!
- [Joel] Look, I said I'll
never eat Spaghetti-Os!
- Now, another indication!
Another indication, gentlemen.
- [Tom and Joel] Another indication.
- [Tom] Another indication.
- When you look at the--
- [Tom] It's another
- [Tom] indication.
- down here on the right,
you find, oh, all kinds of little things.
- [Crow] Little things like
little cars and trucks,
little plastic army men.
Lots of fur.
(Rayburn drones)
- [Joel] (grunts) Check please!
- It's a kind of a dark,
bloody mass.
- [Tom] Oh, this is my stop! (gags)
- Well, (chuckles) it's not
very pleasant to look at,
I must admit.
- [Crow] But with rice
and the correct seasoning,
you've got a wonderful meal!
(Tom laughs)
- [Joel] They don't have nice wrists.
- As we look in the upper chest cavity--
- [Tom] Oh, go, please!
(stammers and gags)
I'm into this.
It's just the way I am.
- [Rayburn] The aorta--
- [Crow] The aorta
makes an excellent sock puppet,
and will, from hereon,
be represented by the timpani.
- [Joel] It's 11:00 on the big FM.
Time for another fade.
- [Tom] We now find
(Rayburn mumbles)
Mister Heart.
It's just a serving (stutters) suggestion.
- [Rayburn] Has rendered posthumously
a great service to medical science.
- [Tom] What a showman,
ladies and gentlemen!
- [Tom] He gave his all!
- Now he will be transferred
to the general mausoleum of
the Raven Hills Cemetery.
- [Crow] Where we'll
meet for bars and punch.
- Where he will be stored
for about a week
in the receiving vault.
- [Tom] These are the battered faces
of men in their 40s.
- [Rayburn] He will
probably be buried there
in Potter's Field.
- [Joel] You've been a wonderful audience!
Enjoy the buffet!
- [Rayburn] Mister Dumont!
- You may escort Mister
John Doe to his drawer.
- [Joel] The junk drawer?
- [Crow] But first,
the saw-the-lady-in-half gag!
(Tom sings)
(thrilling music)
- [Joel] Oh, no!
(robots scream)
- [Crow] It's horrible!
(Tom moans)
Look at those nails!
(ominous music)
- [Joel] You were enjoyed, friend!
- [Tom] Meanwhile, at
the Amityville House.
- [Crow] (moans) Not the clown suit, Dad!
No!
I'll take out the trash!
(student mutters)
Go, Bob, get off of me!
Oh!
Oh.
(Tom chortles)
(Tom growls)
No.
Curly.
- [Joel] Oh, what's this?
The Psychology of Fear, huh?
- [Tom] Hm.
(all scream)
- [Tom] Got me. (sighs)
Huh.
- [Crow] Hm.
- What is it?
What's the matter?
- You were talkin' in your sleep.
What's wrong?
You havin' a nightmare?
- Oh, (mutters).
- [Joel] Did I say
anything about a clown suit
and my uncle?
- What are you doin' with my book?
- The Psychology of Fear.
What are you scared of?
- [Tom] Give me that!
And go tell your mother to come to bed!
- [Crow] Does that mean I gotta go?
- [Joel] All right.
Get in.
- What's the matter with you?
- I was just thinking.
- Do you have to do it staring at me?
- [Tom] It helps.
- You know, every time
you have a nightmare,
you always say the same words.
"Don't turn off the light."
- What are you doing now?
Taking notes?
- What does it mean, anyway?
- Ask a psychiatrist!
- Well, don't get touchy!
- Well, how do you think it feels
to wake up and find
some guy staring at you?
- [Crow] Makes my heart pound.
- I don't mean to bug you about it.
- It's the same nightmare I've been having
ever since I was a kid.
It's got some meaning, I guess,
but I don't know what it is.
- [Joel] I just like it.
- I may have been around
too many dead bodies.
Look, if it annoys you,
I can move to another room.
- Oh, no, I didn't mean that!
I just, well, you know.
I just wondered.
- [Joel] Yeah.
- [Tom] He's like totally down.
- [Tom] Isn't he?
- Don't you get nightmares?
- After that autopsy, I'll
probably have plenty of 'em.
(robots murmur)
- Look,
it's 10 minutes after 4:00.
- [Tom] And I'm not even wearing a watch.
- [Joel] Hm.
- [Crow] Well, good
night, Sergeant Carter!
- [Joel] Hey, he's turning
the lights off with his mind!
- [Tom] Wow.
(students chatter)
It's the Old School,
where old values are nurtured.
- [Crow] I don't know about you,
but that Irene Ryan is fine!
- [Tom] Oo!
- [Joel] So, we're waitin'
for the CDs to turn over,
you know?
Then we're gonna cash 'em.
- [Tom] Hey, how's the hip, bud?
You got that cataract
operation comin' up, don't ya?
- [Crow] Yep.
- [Joel] Hey, speak up.
Come on.
That's better.
- Well, not exactly.
You know, I can't say
I blame them, though.
We did leave them stranded at the dance.
- Alice won't even look at me!
- [Crow] Can you blame her, pug boy?
(Tom sighs)
- I don't know how they have the nerve
to wanna speak to us
even, after last night!
- I'm tired of playing
second fiddle to a skeleton!
- Yeah, they'd rather be with
those dead bodies over there
than with these live ones right here!
- [Tom] Tell 'em, Brunhilde!
- Excuse me.
- [Joel] (clicks tongue] Uh-oh.
The monkey boy's coming.
Excuse me.
- [Crow] Ditch 'em.
- Betty?
Betty!
Wait!
- [Crow] Oh.
She knows I can't make those stairs!
Gotta use the ramp.
- I was hoping they'd get over it,
before we do it again
to them Friday night.
- That's right!
The barbecue!
- [Tom] What, they're gonna eat the body?
- When are we gonna get
our initiation assignments?
- The orders will be handed
to us in sealed envelopes
at 11:00 PM, after the barbecue.
- [Joel] Zowie!
- That oughta be a ball!
- (scoffs) For whom?
I hear some pretty gruesome stories!
- After that autopsy,
what could be so tough?
- [Joel] Watching the
fat people eat again?
- [Crow] Yeah.
- Hey, you were the only guy
that didn't seem to mind it!
- Mister Moffit, you may
escort Mister John Doe in.
Hey, I know what your
initiation assignment should be!
- Joe.
- Say it!
You're thinking what I'm thinking!
- [Tom] That makes me psychic!
- Don't say it!
We'll suggest it to the senior committee!
- Well, I'm game.
- [Joel] Enough said.
- Just so long as I make the fraternity.
- [Tom] Yeah.
Let's go, buddy.
- [Joel] Yeah, we gotta
get to class, too.
- [Crow] We're gonna be late.
- [Student] Let's go!
See you later!
(Joel mutters)
- [Tom] Gotta get to class.
- [Joel] Kill that guy.
- Boy, if they only knew
what they're in for.
(senior cackles)
- Comes the dawn!
- Brother!
("MST3K Theme")
- All right, gentlemen and miss!
This is your first exposure
to the world of robotic anatomy. (claps)
Beneath this sheet
is a one, we will call Mister Hoover,
who, through no fault of his own,
is dead.
- [Gypsy] Oh.
He left this world with one possession,
an upholstery attachment.
(robots gasping)
All right, now.
Keep in mind, this today's lesson
will lay the groundwork for your
future careers in
medicine,
or should I say mechanics?
Some of you will succeed gloriously,
while others will fail miserably.
Now remember, today's
lesson is in anatomy.
There will be times when
you wish to leave the room.
- [Crow and Tom] Okay, okay.
- But don't.
- [Crow] All right.
- All right, now by
examining Mister Hoover,
we can say he led a very rich
and rewarding existence.
He inhaled deeply from the
fibers of the carpet of life
and left the world a little cleaner.
Now, I carry on a bit,
(abstract pulsing crescendos)
maybe if you let me go.
And you can see that...
It goes like this.
And it goes like this.
And leads us up to (crunches apple).
The abdominal bag.
(robots gag)
An incision, okay?
When you ascend to the epel-dermal layer.
(robots gasping)
Using the zipper, so as not to
damage the soft inner
(bag zipping)
bladder!
(robots groaning)
(Gypsy screams and mutters)
All right.
Finally.
(robots grunt)
(Joel mumbles)
With a flip of the switch,
you're in business.
The pelvis.
(Joel mutters)
(clock clicks)
- Oopsie!
- From which we drink lustfully.
From next we must probe Mister Hoover's
vacuu-lar gastro cavity!
(Crow groans)
- Oh, that stinks!
- As we can see,
he probably cleaned a very
dirty,
dirty
carpet.
As we can see, (crunches apple)
(bag squeaking)
we have some pieces of hair,
(robots groan)
um, some plastic things,
a few pennies here,
(bag blubbering)
(Gypsy wails)
some Trix cereal,
some, uh, audio tape,
and something, (sniffs)
uh, looks like a piece of wax
with some dog food attached.
(Gypsy screams)
(Gypsy thuds and moans)
- Oh, look out!
Oh, yuck!
- Oh!
Gypsy's chunking!
- She's pooting all over the place!
- Right now, gentlemen,
(robots groan)
please pay attention.
This is for your benefit. (claps)
Now we probe deeper into the
(bag squeaks)
vacuu-lar gastro cavity.
(bag slurping)
(robots moan and thud)
Finding movie sinus majorus,
which we must expel!
(alarms beeping)
Meaning movie starting.
(taps light)
(door clatters)
(door thuds)
(door whooshes)
(fire crackles)
(door clangs)
(students chattering)
- [Joel] There, all done.
(Tom sighs)
- [Tom] That was pretty disgusting, Joel.
- Hello, Bob.
- Oh, hi!
- [Crow] I'm a bush!
- Say, you handled
yourself like an old pro
at the dissection last night!
- [Joel] Well, I practice a lot
when I'm alone.
- How much does it take
to push a cart around?
- One with a dead body on it?
- [All] Brother!
- It's not really a big deal.
- Hey, what's the story
on you anyway, Moffitt?
- [Joel] I'm a serial killer.
- I mean, what are you trying to prove?
- [Crow] Energy equals matter!
- What makes you think I'm
trying to prove anything?
- Eh, you're playing it bold and
fearless these days.
- [Crow] And tan and beautiful!
- Why?
To impress the fraternity committee?
- [John] Hey, look!
I've been lookin' all over for ya!
- You found me!
- You know Wayne Arnold?
- Yeah.
- He was killed last night.
- [Tom] Oh, that's--
- You're kidding!
- [Joel] That's great!
- [Tom] Yeah, congratulations!
- Slammed right into a truck!
(Crow whistles)
They said he was
goin' over 100 miles an
hour when it happened.
- [Joel] On his lark?
I'm goin' over to the
funeral parlor tonight.
Wondered if you want to come along.
- Gee, I'd like to, but
I'd better hit the books.
- [Crow] Yeah, I'm all torn up inside.
- Why, you scared, Moffitt?
- You know, as a matter
of fact, I can make it.
- [Tom] (chuckles) He's a tower of jello!
- Well, I gotta cut out.
I'll see ya then.
So long, Bob, so long.
- [Tom] What a nut.
- [Joel] We'll be right ba, hey!
(traffic whooshes)
- [Crow] Grover's Corners after dark!
- [Joel] Wow, Meyer's Funeral Home.
We cater!
- [Crow] Ick.
- [Tom] Oh, I shouldn'ta eaten
so much spaghetti. (grunts)
- [Joel] I'm Dickens.
He's Fenster.
We're cops.
- [Tom] Hm.
- [Crow] He's in mourning.
He's wearing his underwear at half mast.
- [Tom] Yeah.
Definitely.
Half mast.
(door latch clicks)
- [Tom] I really like that
Larry Storch ensemble!
- [Joel] Do you really think
we should have gone
through Walter's closet?
- [Tom] Hello!
- [Joel] Anybody home?
(ominous music)
- [Tom] Hey!
- [Crow and Joel] Dead guy!
- [Tom] Dead buddy?
(Joel whistles)
Hello!
- [Crow] Echo!
- [Tom] Echo!
- [Crow] Abra-cadaver!
(Joel shouts)
(Tom shrieks)
(Crow groans)
- [Tom] Got him, Joel.
Hm.
Fanta suite.
(door latch clicks)
Hey.
- [Crow] Ah, the buffet!
That spinach dip looks great!
- [Tom] No, that's his head!
(robots gagging)
- [Joel] Can't believe he's even wearing
his brat-house t-shirt!
I'm gonna go throw up!
- [Crow] I love open caskets
when they've gone through the windshield.
- [Tom] Yeah.
(Joel blows)
(robots mutter)
- [Tom] Mommy, Mommy!
- [Joel] The clown suit?
- [Tom] Mommy?
(Lewis mumbles and calls out)
Uncle Bob?
- [Lewis] Help!
- [John] Don't panic, Lou!
I'll light the candle.
- [Tom] It all goes to darkness!
(Crow meows)
- [Joel] Wow.
- [John] What's wrong?
- I gotta get out of here.
- [Tom] Ooh.
Come on.
- What happened?
- It got dark.
- Yeah, the candle went out.
- [Crow] I'm here, Bob.
- Do you remember that nightmare I had?
- [Crow] About the clown suit?
- I said I didn't know what it meant.
- Yeah.
- Well, I didn't.
But I do now.
- [Tom] Mm-hm?
When I was eight years old,
my grandfather died.
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
The coffin was in the living room.
- [Joel] Let it out, buddy, let it out.
- The night before the funeral,
I begged my mother to leave the light on
in my room.
- [Tom] That's it, let go.
She wouldn't do it.
- [Crow] So I killed her.
And I cried.
And she told me if I didn't stop,
my grandfather would get
up and give me a licking.
- [Crow] And then she
kept putting up posters
of Bruno Hauptmann.
- And she turned off the
light and she left me.
I lay there all night
- [Tom] This was...
in the dark,
listening to all the sounds and
scared to death that body'd get up and
come into my room.
- [Joel] And this was last year!
- Wow.
Well, now that you know
what the reason is,
it won't bother you anymore!
- I sure hope so!
- [Crow] Me, too.
It's like you're not fun to be with.
- Look, do me a favor will ya?
- Sure?
- Don't tell anybody what happened.
(Tom snorts)
- Don't worry.
I won't tell anybody.
- You know how it is, you,
you just don't want people
to think you're chicken.
- Well, nobody thinks that anyway!
(robots clucking)
- I sure hope not!
I don't want 'em to start.
Come on, let's get out of here.
- [Tom] Let's go get a pizza.
- [Crow] Meanwhile at the Colosseum,
the vomitoriums are cleaned
and readied for the day's activities.
- [Joel] Hey, look!
(students chatter)
It's Sammy Davis Junior!
- We have 18 assignments ready,
each in a separate sealed envelope.
- [Tom] In a mayonnaise jar
under Funkle Randall's front porch.
- Gary, Tom Neely and Lewis Moffitt.
- Hey, I got a great idea.
Take this down.
- Okay.
- Why not have Jerry as Bacchus,
King of Wine?
- [Tom] How old is that guy?
- Now, tomorrow we forbid
him to touch any liquids
all day long.
Not a drop.
- [Crow] Mm-hm?
And at the barbecue,
- [Tom] Uh-huh, yeah?
we let him have all the liquid he wants!
- You mean give him the works
at Silver Lake Fire Fest?
(robots chuckling)
- [Tom] Cool!
- Tom Neely!
- Oh, yah!
The homely boy
in the chemistry glasses!
- [Tom] Oh, nice guy.
- [Tom and Crow] Kill him!
- I've got another great idea!
You got it?
- [Joel] Yeah.
- [Tom] Yup.
- You all know how
- [Tom] He's so cool.
these things come out, don't you?
Sooner or later, every boy and girl
disappears in the shrubs.
(guys mumble and chuckle)
- [Joel] Right. (chuckles)
Why not have Neely now.
- [Joel] Uh-huh, okay?
- And have Neely dressed as Cupid.
(Joel and robots murmur)
Flashlight, bow and arrow, the whole--
- [Tom] Wait a minute,
Cupid didn't have a flashlight!
- [Crow] Maybe he was a movie usher.
= Right in front of her date!
(guys laugh)
(robots laugh)
- (mutters) self-protection!
- [Tom] Huh?
- Okay now, Lewis Moffitt.
- Lewis Moffitt.
Hey, Clark, where have you been?
All of the assignments
are made except one!
- Exactly!
- [Joel] Hate this guy.
- [Tom] Yeah.
Lewis Moffitt.
We've got a great idea.
And it fits him to a T!
- Terrific!
Come on, tell 'em!
Listen to this, fellas.
It's good.
(robots mutter)
- Well, at the autopsy,
Moffitt acted as if he'd been
playing around with corpses
all of his life.
- [Tom] We're the young ones.
The entire procedure
didn't bother him a bit!
- A galvanized stomach, huh?
- [Joel] Shut up!
- Professor Rayburn said
- [Tom] Thank you.
that John Doe's body
would be transferred to
the Raven Hill General Mausoleum
after the autopsy.
Now,
tomorrow night,
after the barbecue,
- [Tom] It's when they're
really swingin' the,
hey, wait a minute!
(students chattering)
Back at the institute.
- [Crow] Oh, sans-a-belt jeans.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Joel] Hey.
Hey, buddy.
I'm in the bushes!
Help me!
- [Tom] Psst, psst!
- Betty.
- If you'll excuse me.
- No I won't excuse you.
- [Tom] No excuse for you.
- I'm gonna talk to you,
and you're gonna listen.
- [Crow] I'm turning off my hearing aid!
- I don't care about anything
- [Crow] Blah, blah, blah!
you have to say!
- [Crow] I'm not listening!
(car door creaks)
- [Joel] Was that your hip, honey?
- [Betty] Will you please get out?
- Not until you listen to me!
- [Betty] Okay, but
make it short, will you?
- First of all, why are you sore?
(Joel and robots clear
throats and whistle)
- You don't know?
- Well, I imagine it's about leaving you
at the dance, isn't it?
- You know perfectly well what it is.
- [Joel] That retirement
dance meant a lot to me!
- I think that's a mighty poor reason.
You know we had to make that lecture
or flunk out automatically!
We had no say in it!
- I know that!
- Then why are you mad?
- I guess you really don't know.
- Well, I'd certainly
- [Tom] Nope.
Like to find out,
if you don't mind telling me.
- [Tom] And you could tell us, too.
- It isn't just the dance, Lewis.
It's the way you've been acting.
- [Crow] Woodenly.
(Tom chuckles)
- You've been acting like
some sort of superman!
- [Joel] Oh, thanks for noticing!
- And it is like what they say.
- They?
- They say you've been
showing how fearless you are
by wheeling dead bodies into classrooms.
- [Tom] And eating them!
And they said
that you've been acting like an oddball!
They say you won't even let them like you!
- They, again.
- [Joel] Yeah.
- [Tom] That's right.
- [Tom] Yup, say it.
- You know what I think
about "they" every time I hear that word?
- [Joel] They?
- I think of some big,
gray, shapeless monster
- [Tom] Like them!
with many faces
and a million voices!
- [Tom] It!
And when you at us,
- [Tom] The "the"!
nothing at all.
If you listen to they, Betty,
you'll be running around
in circles all your life.
(Joel and robots applaud)
It's you that I care about,
(robots whistle)
not they, what they say, what they think.
How do you feel?
- [Joel] I feel like they.
- I don't know.
- How would you feel if you
heard strange things about me?
- [Joel] I have!
- I wouldn't stop talking
to ya until I found out
whether it was true or not.
- [Tom] Well, is it true?
- I wouldn't let they
make any decisions for me.
- [Crow] Hey, it's they!
- [Tom] There they are!
- [Crow] Oh, they have
fun at the bedsore dance?
- [Joel] And now Emma,
(jazzy music)
wearing the Model 3000 plastic hip
with its slim tubular construction.
- [Tom] And here's Opal,
(crowd applauds)
voted most like Barbara Bell Geddes.
- [Joel] Miss Cataracts.
(crowd applauds and whistles)
- [Crow] It's Divine in the early days!
(crowd applauds)
- [Tom] Hey, it's the Warren Commission!
- [Joel] Miss Hot Flash,
(crowd applauds)
gliding through that
change of life gracefully.
- Popcorn, Professor Rayburn?
- [Tom] Yes it is, actually.
- No, no.
- [Joel] Which way to the voms?
(people chatter)
- [Crow] Don't bury me!
I'm not dead yet!
(man mutters)
- [Tom] Now, this is my project.
Now let's go get some chow.
(Tiny and girlfriend exclaim and chatter)
- [Crow] Wow.
Did you find the Carlo?
- [Joel] Ah, look, you made your point
about 'em being fat.
Just stop it.
(soft music)
- [Tom] Very humiliating.
- [Crow] Come on, folks.
Give 'em here.
Come on, show's over, let's go.
- [Tom] I knew our prehensile
tails would come in handy!
(robots gurgle and giggle)
- Bacchus, the King of Wine!
- [Crow] Bud, the King of Beer!
- Hail, thee, Bacchus!
Oh no, oh no,
you have two more minutes to go
and then you can have all you want!
- [Crow] What is this?
A S meeting?
- I'm so thirsty,
it seems like I've been without water
for a month
- [Robots] Kill, kill him!
instead of just a day!
- [Crow] Kill him!
- [Crow] Kill him.
- [Joel] Kill you.
- [Joel] I'll kill you!
- His highness craves
to suckle yon nectar!
Are you ready?
- [Tom] Kill him!
- [Fraternity] Yeah!
- (chuckles) A tall, refreshing goblet
of coke nectar!
- [Joel] And a bucket of battery acid!
(Joel and robots screaming and laughing)
(fraternity brothers laughing)
- [Robots] Just dumped
the big steamy bucket!
(robots cheer)
(Joel and robots sigh)
- [Tom] It's even funnier than the trees!
- [Crow] Funny, funny, funny.
- [Joel] Oh, I deserved that!
The look on your face!
- [Crow] Hey, look who's
wearing corrective pants!
- [Tom] Yeah, it's
George S. Kaufman, guys!
- Didst thou get thy fill?
- It's coming out of his seams!
(Tom yuks)
Well, did you spot any lovers?
- Yeah.
- [Tom] Any what?
- Yeah, I'm afraid I did.
Oh!
(fraternity brothers laugh)
- [Tom] Joel, what is this?
- [Joel] It's a hazing.
- [Tom] What about the ring of terror?
What about the plot, Joel?
Am I the only one who cares?
- [Joel] I really don't wanna tell 'em.
- [Crow] I think the only plot
(fraternity brothers laugh)
was back in the cemetery, Tom.
- [Tom] Yeah, you're right, Crow.
(soft romantic music)
(Joel shushes)
- [Crow] Be vewwy quiet!
I'm humiwiowating mysewf!
I'm shaming my famiwy fow years to come!
- [Voiceover] Honey, you're for me!
- [Joel] Look, I'm a guy!
It's not that dark!
- [Tom] This guy later went on
to head an SNL.
- [Joel] Stupid idiot.
- [Crow] Lonely?
- [Tom] Yeah.
Saturday night live.
- [Joel] Uh, fantasy gram.
Bush division.
- [Crow] Candy gram for Mongo!
- [Joel] Oh, mama!
(laughing and chattering)
(Joel and robots moan)
- [Joel] Oh, come on!
- [Crow] That's it!
- [Tom] Look, you made your point
- [Tom] Look,
you made your point
- [Crow] Yeah.
about the fatties,
- [Crow] You made your point!
please!
- [Crow] Geez!
(jazzy piano music)
- [Tom] That's really sad.
- [Crow] Do we have to watch this?
- [All] She's got a gun!
(Tom shouts)
- [Joel] Oh, it's a sandwich.
(Tom exhales)
- [Tom] Could be loaded, though.
- Well, doll, let me ask you a question.
- What is it, Tiny?
- [Tom] Is this foreplay?
- Did you add any mustard?
(crunching sandwich)
- [Crow] Oh, I'm physically ill.
- [Joel] This is like
nine and a half weeks!
- [Crow] It's worse than the autopsy!
- [Tom] (chuckles) This
movie should be called
Onion Ring of Terror.
Hey, nice package there, huh!
- [Voiceover] What a cute little chick!
(Crow whistles and gags)
- [Joel] There's a million bushes
in this naked city,
and a million naked people behind 'em.
In the naked city.
(robots slurping)
- [Crow] Uh,
oh, you've got my partial.
- [Joel] You taste just like they!
- [Tom] Okay now,
tilt my head back and
clear my air passage.
Now blow in my mouth 15 times
and then push on my chest 15 times.
That's it.
Okay, I should be
breathing on my own, now.
- Oh, come on, Tommy!
- [Joel] So maybe they just
pants him at the end,
(Betty chatters)
is that it?
- [Betty] Tommy, come on!
Come on!
- [Crow] Tommy.
Can you hear me?
(bow clatters)
Oh, plenty to go around!
(Lewis laughs)
Now tongue me, tongue me!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, you bad boy!
- [Tom] My turn!
(group laughing)
Come here, my little Puck!
My little man-woman!
- [Joel] Ah, for fun!
(Tom chortles)
- Well, I almost made 36 inches.
See?
- [Tom] Good, now about your waistline.
- Pretty well, Tiny, considering!
- You mean I'm in?
I'm a brother?
- Well, not quite.
- What do you mean?
- Uh, here's your assignment.
- Let's see.
(paper crinkles)
(Joel and Tom) Hm.
- [Crow] Become Jack Weston?
No problem!
(Tiny mutters)
- "For the next seven days,
"you will forgo all food whatever,
(Joel murmurs)
"with the exception of bread and water
"at three regular intervals a day!"
Oh, no, that's too much!
I quit!
Here, you can have my saccharin bottle
and take back your assignment
for I don't wanna be
anybody's brother that bad!
- [Joel] Oh, that's rich! (chuckling)
- I already got me a brother.
And I got a sister, too!
- [Tom] And they're both inside me!
- I'm gonna go find Rag Doll,
'cause she likes me just the way I am!
- Now wait a minute, Tiny.
Wait a minute!
- What do you want?
- You passed!
- Yeah?
- I was just kidding ya.
You passed your initiation!
You're one of us!
- Yeah?
- [Tom] Well thank ya, Kensie!
- [Joel] Keep your feet on the ground
and keep reaching for the stars!
- Oh, boy!
Wait until I tell Rag Doll!
- It's almost 11:30.
My assignment.
- [Crow] Should I decide to accept.
- May I read it?
(Crow cackles)
- Sorry, darling.
Against the rules.
- [Joel] And we're too old
to be takin' any chances, love.
- [Tom] (sighs) Let's see, uh,
"Dear Sir,
"This is our third attempt
to reach you by mail.
"If you do not pay your bill
by Thursday, April 20--"
- [Bob] You shall go
to Raven Hill Cemetery.
Enter the general mausoleum.
- [Tom] Honey, you sound funny.
All modulated and reverbed.
- [Joel] Should you or
any of your IM force
be caught or killed,
the Secretary will disavow any knowledge
of your action.
- [Bob] To the president of the
senior initiation committee
upon your return to the campus.
The senior committee will
later make proper restitution
through the caretaker of Raven Hill.
- [Joel] Mm-hm, mm-hm.
- [Tom] Love.
- What's wrong, Lewis?
- [Crow] It's taken 53 minutes
You're not scared, are you?
to get back to the plot!
- You are!
- [Tom] I'm just a tower of jello, dear.
- For the first time in your life,
you're really scared!
- Don't be silly.
There's nothing to it!
I've gotta go.
- Please be careful, darling.
- [Tom] Really bad.
- I'll see you when I get back.
- [Crow] Billy, don't be a hero.
Gee, I like the cut of his trousers.
Oh, I love that manly man o' mine.
Well, off to find someone else.
- [Joel] Hey, it's the cars
from Six Flags over Texas.
- [Tom] Huh!
- [Crow] Those go really slow.
- [Tom] The good old days ride, right?
(car door slams)
(engine revving)
- [Crow] It's a pedal car!
- [Tom] Yeah.
(motor putters)
(Tom wheezes)
(car engine roars)
- [Tom] No, hey, look!
It's radio controlled!
- [Crow] Huh!
(people laugh and chatter)
- [Joel] Back off, everybody.
- Bob, you seen Lou around?
- Yeah, he should be back any minute.
- Where'd he go?
- On his assignment.
- [Tom] Hm.
Hey, what about you?
Did you finish yours?
- Yes, I asked everyone
who lives on Howard Street
for penny.
- And?
- [Tom] Mm-hm?
- I got 23 cents!
- [Tom] Uh?
- 23 cents?
You were gone four and a half hours,
and all you got is 23 cents?
- [Tom] Doh!
- It must be the recession.
♫ Wah, wah, wha, wah ♫
- What kind of assignment did Lou get?
- He'll tell you.
If he's able to tell you,
when he gets back.
- You know, I heard you
guys gave an assignment
that dates back to the 15th Century.
- About that--
- [Tom] Discover America?
- [Crow] The Spanish Inquisition?
- [Tom] Break off from
the Catholic Church?
- Now why the curiosity?
- Well, I just wondered
if Lou's assignment
was as weird as mine.
- Weird?
- [Crow and Tom] Weird?
- Yeah, I guess that is the word for it.
- [Tom] Weird.
- Weird.
- [Tom] Weird.
Really weird.
(traffic whooshes)
- [Joel] Can we get out of here?
No? Stay?
Mm-hm.
- [Tom] You stay here.
("MST3K Theme")
- [Joel] Hey, that's where
Fred Mertz dropped dead!
- [Tom] Mm-hm, a bus stop,
a wet day,
she's there.
I say, "Please share my umbrella."
Bus stop.
Bus goes.
Let's dance.
- [Joel] Man, that thing
looks like a bumper car!
- [Crow] When cars ruled the world!
Page 22.
- [Tom] Uh, your headlights, guy.
Boy, I'm dying to get in there. (laughs)
Get me!
I'm scared and I'm
still making jokes, woo!
- [Joel] Man, a mortuary locked at night?
What's the deal?
(melancholy music)
- [Tom] Look!
Many a quaint and curious
vial of forgotten lore!
Pleep.
- [Joel] That's it, I'm steamed.
That cuts it.
No fraternity's worth this!
- [Crow] Oh, I know.
He's gonna go around
to the drive-in window.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Joel] Bring it in.
Yeah, right over there.
Oh, there's no way he
coulda walked that far.
- [Tom] Mm-mm.
- [Crow] Got a car that cool,
you gotta use it.
- [Tom] That's right.
- [Tom] Huh?
Oh!
Juliet!
Juliet?
I cometh hither, Juliet!
- [Crow] Ow, owie, ow, ow, ow!
- [Joel] Oh, this hurts!
(group gasps and groans)
- [Crow] Well that really hurt.
- [Tom] It'll be okay now!
(car rumbles)
Ah, wow.
- [Crow] The nurse is coming.
- [Tom] Damn Jerries almost got me!
- [Joel] Kinch, LeBeau.
- [Crow] Oh, I'm feelin'
the sting on that one!
Not a young man, anymore!
- [Tom] Hm.
I got a few of those in me.
- [Tom] I made it.
I'm in Switzerland!
Hey, look!
It's the Von Trapp Family!
(Joel whistles)
Huh!
- [Joel] Wow, everybody's buried here.
Jim Morrison.
The Unknown Soldier.
The Dead.
- [Tom] Wow.
- [Crow] Rock and roll heaven.
- [Tom] Jimi Hendrix,
with a little bit of, uh.
(all shriek)
- [Crow] Oh I hate
those darn maple leaves!
(Tom gasping)
- [Joel] (sighs) Hey, get off my grave!
(muffled shouting)
- [Tom] Hey, you tryna wake the dead?
Ow, that's gotta, hey!
Puma!
Puma!
Come here, Puma!
- [Joel] Oh, come on.
We're riffing on the
same movie we're doing.
That's not--
- [Crow] I'm going to
kill you all, oh.
- [Tom] You're already dead.
- [Crow] The whole Gambino crime family.
- [Joel] Stone-hedge, and I
can't even tell what time it is.
How do you like that?
- [Crow] So they just come here and die.
Neat! (chuckles)
- [Tom] They die and then they come here.
- [Joel] It's a biggun'
- [Crow] Oh, that's better!
- [Tom] Neat.
- [Joel] Hm.
- [Tom] Let's see here.
Uh, fiction.
Uh, literature.
Non-fiction.
Oh!
Sports.
(Lewis thuds)
(robots groan)
- [Crow] That's it!
I finally did it!
I finally broke my damn dirty hip!
(Tom shouts)
- [Tom] Nice way to land, Joel.
- [Joel] Thanks.
- [Tom] No problem.
- [Crow] Wow, just one time,
I'd like to bogey this hole.
I mean, I really shanked that last one
and now I can't find the ball!
- [Tom] Ah, you're in the bunker, I think.
- [Crow] Yeah, I'm playing a Slazenger 9.
- [Joel] Mauso-lo-leum?
- [Tom] Mauso-leum.
That's for making dead
people fresh and light.
- [Crow] The hills are, ali,
oh, well, maybe they're not.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Tom] The hills are--
- [Joel] No one will be admitted
during the breathtaking walking scene
from Playstar Productions'
Ring of Terror.
- [Tom] Jimmy crack corn,
(gulps) and I don't care.
Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care!
Jimmy (gasps) crack corn (gasps)
and I don't care!
The miss has gone away! (whimpers)
- [Crow] Thump!
- [Tom] (gasps) Maybe
Mister Lincoln can help us!
Let's ask him.
Hm.
- [Joel] Nice.
Swell pad.
- [Crow] Hm.
Cool.
- [Crow] Oh, really nice workmanship
on this gate!
- [Tom] Mm-hm!
(gate creaks)
- [Joel] Oh, this must be a prison.
Says, "The Come and Bury 'Em."
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
- [Crow] Please slip corpses
under the door after 10.
- [Tom] Kind of a Louis Sullivan design.
(haunting organ music)
Hey, listen guys!
All right!
It's Procol Harum doing a sound check!
- [Joel] Cool.
- [Tom] Skip the light fandango!
- [Joel] Hm, they got a
Buddy Squirrel's Nut Shack.
One potato, two.
Hot Sam's, Radio Shack?
This mall's got everything!
- [Crow] Wow, I wonder what
it costs to heat this barn!
- [Tom] Verily, I shall sprint
through the valley of the
shadow of death. (whooshes)
- [Joel] It actually says, "You stab 'em,
"We slab em!"
That's pretty funny!
(robots laugh)
At least they got a sense of humor!
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Crow] Goin' to the chapel.
Gonna get buried. (chuckles)
- [Tom] Buried.
- [Tom] (sighs) So the way I hear it,
if I smoke one of these things,
then I'll be able to
join these people, huh?
- [Joel] Wow, looks
like the EC Escher room!
- [Tom] MC Escher.
- [Joel] MC Escher.
- [Crow] Hey, get me!
I'm Edward R. Murrow already!
- [Tom] It's the power station.
- [Joel] Looks like a locker room.
- [Crow] Ah, looks like HAL's brain.
- [Joel] Oh, no, I think
it's George Romero's automat.
- [Tom] Yup, look there.
There's Hot Hoagie of the Living Dead.
- [Joel] Buck and quarter.
(Crow chuckles)
- [Tom] Cato?
Where are you, my little yellow friend?
Cato?
- [Joel] Cato!
Cato.
Oh, good, the kitchen.
Boy, I'm hungry.
(robots sniffing)
- [Joel] Smells like...
- [Crow] Ah, corpse scat.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Crow] It's around here somewhere!
- [Joel] Hm.
- [Tom] Nice hush puppies.
- [Joel] Well, Reece's Pieces.
ET must be on the premises!
Cato?
- [Tom] Cato?
- [Crow] Man, this has gotta be
the biggest place in the world!
(paper rustles)
- [Tom] Let's see.
Bread, carrots,
toilet paper, shaving,
hey, wait a minute!
(ominous music)
- [Crow] Hm.
Aisle Three.
Spices, flour, rice,
corpses, rings of terror.
(group shouts)
- [Crow] Merv Griffin!
What are you doin' here?
- [Tom] Whoa! (sighs)
Who died in there?
- [Joel] Clean up in Aisle Three!
- [Tom] (chuckles) Let me tell ya!
Let's see, salted.
Blanched.
Ah, honey mustard, here we go.
- [Lewis] A to M.
Uh.
- [Tom] 18.
- [Crow] I hate the Dewey Decimal system!
- [Tom] Oh, yeah, like
that's a big surprise!
- [Joel] All right?
- [Tom] S'okay.
- [Joel] It's all right.
(coffin clatters)
- [Tom] Keeps 'em fresh, though.
- [Joel] Fisher!
(scary music)
(robots gagging)
- [Joel] Oh, God, it reeks!
(Tom gasping)
- [Crow] Oh, oh, my God, oh, oh!
Oh, his finger came off!
(Joel and Tom groan)
Oh, no that's mine!
- [Tom] Gross!
(cat meows)
- [Tom] Get that cat outta here!
(Tom grunts)
- [Joel] What gives?
- [Crow] Oh.
- [Joel] What is it, girl?
Dad?
He's trapped?
Down in Dead Rock Canyon?
(door rattles)
- [Crow] Hey, you kids, get outta here!
- [Tom] Let's see, uh, where was I?
Oh, yeah, I was about to, uh,
oh, yeah.
Oh, oh, God, it's awful!
Oh, I got my finger! (grunts)
- [Crow] He's melting!
- [Joel] Never let 'em see you sweat.
- [Tom] Nope.
(cat screeches)
- [Tom] Whoa!
- [Crow] Hello Kitty!
- [Tom and Joel] Oh!
(Lewis screams)
- [Tom] Oh, remember him?
(Lewis gasping)
Uh-oh!
Uh, well,
I guess he won't try that again.
- [Crow] Cat got your tongue?
- [Joel] I'm Satan.
I did it and I'm proud!
(cat meows)
- [Tom] And they said
those cat guards wouldn't work.
- [Crow] Please don't haze.
I'm dead now.
Don't haze.
- [Joel] He's 22.
Yeah, about that.
- [Tom] Did you enjoy my little tale?
Good.
Kill him!
- Lewis B. Moffitt.
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
- I feared not. (chuckles)
- [Robots] Not!
- [Tom] (scoffs) That's rich!
- Yet fear dwells within all of us,
young and old alike.
- [Crow] But mostly old.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- Has terrifying fear
ever gripped your heart?
- [Joel] That's,
- [Joel] the Kraft tomb.
That's probably where Ed Herlihy's buried.
- [Tom] Uh-oh, geez.
We've been down this road.
- [Joel] It's that one thing.
Could somebody please open the gates?
- [Crow] Put the brake on.
- [Joel] I'll try to stop 'em!
(all shouting)
(Tom sighs)
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Ninja!
- [Tom] Well, it looks
like callback time, guys!
Oh, yeah,
there he is.
Bob Dobson.
- [Joel] Oh and
drive safely!
Good night!
- [Crow] Sneaky.
(Crow burbles)
(robots shriek)
- [Crow] Let's get outta here!
It's freaky, man!
- [Tom] No, it's stupid, man!
(music crescendos)
(door creaks)
(fire crackles)
(door thuds)
(door whooshes)
(doors thud)
(door slams)
(door thuds)
- Okay guys.
It's the end of another movie.
All you gotta do
is tell me a good thing
and get a juicy RAM chip.
All right?
(Crow sighs)
- Oh, hold it, Joel!
This is unfair!
This film's a dog!
There isn't an uplifting
or good thing about it!
- He' right, Joel.
Now, for example,
did you see how degrading they were
to overweight people?
Now it's bad enough they
showed the two fatties
pounding malts in some desperate
shark-feeding frenzy,
and eating mountains.
But then they kept cutting
away to the skinny kids
laughing as the two tugboats
tried to tango on the dance floor!
RAM chip, please.
- Yeah, and, uh, while the other kids
made out in the bushes,
our hefty heroes were forced
to vacuum in a sandwich with RAM chips.
And in the very next scene they showed
them diving into a wheelbarrow
full of hot dogs!
And RAM chips.
- And it wasn't just
people, either, RAM chip!
The spooky guy from the beginning
purposely stepped on Puma the cat's tail.
I'd like my RAM chip now, please.
A crispy one.
- Yeah, and they weren't
using any stunt snake
when they, guy did the tap dance
on the rattler's head!
Uh, RAM chip now?
- And what about that car crash victim?
Onion RAM chip!
The only two people,
only two people show up at his wake.
And then the only point of the scene
was to show how our hero was really
a 'fraidy cat, RAM chip now!
- Yeah!
So they killed a character
just to advance the plot
and, oh, geez, Joel.
What was the deal?
Are all med students
so mean and frustrated
'cause they haven't gotten RAM chips?
Or just the ones that have
been in school 40 years
without RAM chips?
- [Joel] Well.
Cherry RAM chips.
- Listen you have to lighten up
because,
- [Crow] Cherry, cherry.
hey, cut it out!
Because I can think of
an obviously good thing.
Even though people made
fun of the heavy people,
they still loved each
other for who they were.
Now I need something positive
for you to get a RAM chip.
- There was tons of food for them to eat!
Like chocolate-y RAM chips!
- Yeah, and this movie provided work
for a bunch of senile old
codgers who eat RAM chips!
- Yeah, none of the
girls had to study late
or watch dead bodies getting cut up
or get a degree, RAM chip, please.
- And all the freshmen
were publicly humiliated
for everyone's enjoyment
by not getting RAM chips!
- You're still not giving me
the positive things I need.
- [Tom and Crow] Oh, hm.
- Well, at least that guy
didn't have to marry Resusci-Annie.
- Yeah, and thank goodness
the fat people were so stupid,
they didn't even realized they were
the brunt of everybody's RAM chip jokes.
- Yeah.
Well, it was a good thing
that those mean parents
locked up our hero
next to his dead grandad,
or there wouldn't be a movie,
or RAM chips.
- [Tom] That's right.
For anyone.
- Well, listen.
- [Tom] RAM chips.
- There's only one who gets the RAM chip.
And that's me.
- [Crow] What?
And I give it to Gypsy.
(robots shouting)
There you go, girl.
All right.
- Oh, now why, why?
- Well, because I'll tell you what.
The only good thing about the movie
was that it was really short!
- Hey!
- [Crow] Yeah.
- And we're done for the day!
- Yeah, we should get a letter.
(robots cheer)
Get one of those letters
to read might be--
- Hold it!
Don't touch that letter!
It just so happens
we've cooked up another cinematic RAM chip
for you to digest! (cackles)
The Phantom Creeps!
Part Three!
(all groan)
- But first,
a commercial.
(all wail)
("MST3K Theme")
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] Gee, it looks like an eye chart.
Doesn't it?
- [Tom] Yeah.
I don't think I'm ready for this.
Huh.
- [Crow] Hey, Willis Cooper!
That's Alice's dad, man!
- [Tom] No, he was killed in Vietnam.
- [Joel] No, he was Eddie Haskell.
- [Crow] Oh.
- [Joel] Hey, what kind of a Ford
do you think we'll have, you guys?
- [Tom] I think we'll have a Ford
- [All] Beebe!
- [Crow] Ford Beebe!
- [Joel] Beebe!
(Crow and Tom chant)
- [Joel] What kind of Saul do we have?
- [Tom] Oh, the good
kind of Saul. (chortles)
- [Crow] To be or not to be!
Blah, blah, blah!
That's the question!
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
- [Joel] Would you get
my agent on the phone?
I wanna direct!
- [Tom] And Madonna has a new look!
Come on, Vogue.
There's nothing to it!
Strike a pose!
- [Joel] Steven, did you think
Grandpa seemed funny this trip?
- [Crow] Punch it, Hale.
I wanna die with you!
- [Tom] Dumpy and frumpy!
(chuckles) A good one!
- [Joel] And, of course,
the boys in the back room.
- [Crow] Vandegrift Generator!
(Tom mumbles)
- [Joel] Dora Clementine!
- [Crow] Hugh Chet Huntley!
- [Tom] Anthony Averill Harriman.
- [Joel] Frank Mayo Brothers.
- [Crow] James Gnarly Farley.
- [Tom] Rosebud.
Rosebud, rosebud.
(grunts)
- [Joel] Trying to keep the credits down!
- [Crow] Well, foreword is forwarned.
Doctor Zorka, not a real doctor,
but believed to be dead,
attempts to prevent the authorities
from discovering
his scientific secrets,
the Helsinki formula,
by using a device which
makes him invisible,
a contract to appear on the
Comedy Channel. (laughs)
I guess I'm outta here.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Joel] Now, Doctor Mallory
will be represented by the oboe.
And when you hear the scary oboe sound,
stomp your feet and go, "Boo!"
(Tom moans)
- [Tom] Nancy's sister, Jean,
will look around.
- [Joel] Hey, what's this?
- [Crow] Get that frog outta here!
- [Joel] Hey!
Huh, somebody left a mint.
- [Tom] A welcome to the Embassy sweet.
- [Joel] Heh, let's see.
- [Tom] Take that.
(Tom mutters)
- [Crow] Checkin' the bush, boss!
- [Joel] A coin.
A car.
- [Crow] Joyride time!
- [Tom] Yeah!
(robots hoot and sing)
- [Crow] Eat my dust!
- [Joel] Hey,
it looks like an ear of corn!
(robots grunt)
Why, I think I heard
a floating ear of corn!
(stick thuds)
- [Tom] Oof.
- [Joel] Yup.
- [Tom] Ooh, that had to hurt.
Yeah, you know.
They're always repeating these things
on America's Funniest
Home Videos, aren't they?
- [Crow] Yeah.
- [Joel] Well.
(truck rumbles)
- [Robots] Goodbye!
- [Tom ] So long!
Feeder-zane!
Don't forget to write!
- [Joel] Don't forget
to throw the kitchen sinks!
- [Tom] Bye!
See you next fall!
- [Crow] Does that mean the date's over?
(Tom chuckles)
- [Tom] Well, that must be the part
they didn't show us there.
(explosion blasts)
- [All] Oh!
- [Tom] Nice tag!
- [Joel] I'm gonna try that, too!
I'm going to join him
in death!
- [Crow] Okay.
- [Crow] You just go really fast and--
- [Tom] Go for it!
Oh!
Oh, yeah, he's okay.
- [Joel] Always clownin' around.
- [Tom] Come on.
Get in, dummy!
(woman calls out)
(sighs) I'm sorry, Mom.
I'll take out the garbage next week!
I'm sorry!
(frogs croak)
- There's something over in those bushes!
- [Tom] It's a frog.
- [Man] Keep down.
- [Joel] Invisible frog.
- Did you see the driver of that car?
(gunshot blasts)
- [Tom] Oh, good, Bob.
You killed a Sequoia.
- Whatever it is.
- [Joel] I bet he misses you, too!
- Let's get to your car!
- [Tom] Yeah, it's better than mine.
- That's one, shoot it!
- [Tom] The itsy bitsy, whoa?
- Shoes don't lie.
That's one of Zorka's mechanical devices!
- [Joel] Say!
- But it's poisonous!
- What are you going to do?
- Try and catch it
to take it to Mallory for analysis.
(explosion blasts)
- [Crow] Oh, he used a smoking jacket!
- It's not like our hard-boiled
chief for a girl to faint!
- I'm not a girl.
- [Joel] No I'm soft-boiled.
- [Crow] She's poached.
- [Joel] I thought I'd
never get out of this field.
'Scuse me!
(whistling)
That's Uncle Joe.
He's moving kinda slow.
- [Tom] He has stylee-tick-thus!
(Joel singing)
(engine revs)
- [Crow] Please!
At least let me get the tie rod in!
(motor roars and wind whips)
- [Tom] Next week, I go
to the ladies' locker room
at the YWCA!
(ominous music)
- [Joel] They say I make a better door
than a window!
(Tom laughs)
Now I kill something for no reason.
- Don't worry, I will.
I have a hunch one of those
got to Jim Daly.
- [Tom] Oh, that's why
he's doing show tunes
all the time.
(dramatic music)
- It's gone!
- [Crow] Make sure you get
a dry cleaning receipt!
- Where'd it go?
- I don't know.
I wish I knew where it came from.
- [Tom] You folks know?
- That may be Mallory now!
- [Joel] No, it's the copper top.
(Tom sings)
- It is Mallory!
Two of my men!
- [Crow] Two of my good strong men!
- [Tom] Yes!
- You all right, Bob?
- [Tom] Yeah, but my coat's wrecked.
- They arrived just in time!
Parker, check that car for ownership.
If there's enough left of it.
- [Joel] Yeah, it's registered
under the name Beelzebub.
- Miss Drew would like to go, too.
She'll take you back in her car,
won't you?
- But!
- A lot of this case has
to be kept off the record.
- [Crow] Yeah, but it'll fit on the CD
on the extra bonus track.
- It's like we've left
something behind us,
even worse than dynamite!
- [Joel] This film?
- Someone evidently got hold of it.
The wrong kind of publicity will hurt him.
- All right.
I'll be careful what I phone the paper.
- That's swell.
I knew I could count on you.
Check with me and Mallory tomorrow.
- [Jean] Thanks, I will.
- What's the matter with your coat?
- One of the Doctor's mechanical spiders
disappeared under it.
I don't dare put it on.
- Why, how'd it get out here?
- I wish you'd tell me.
I chased that car from Zorka
and the driver got away.
- [Crow] Try not to talk so fast!
- I'll look around for him--
- [Tom] A bunch of auctioneers.
- No, it's too late.
He's probably miles away from here by now.
Let's get back to Zorka's!
- There's an extra mac in the car here!
- [Joel] Oh, great, I'm famished!
(car rumbles)
- [Tom] Hey, hey, where'd
you learn how to drive?
Those shocks are terrible!
(doors slam)
- It's Monk!
- [Joel] One of the jazz murders!
- This is a break!
The chief wants him!
Let's see if we can bring him, too.
(energetic music)
Listen, Monk,
with Zorka dead, you're in a tough spot!
Now why don't you join up with our crowd
and tell us what's become
of Zorka's farmhouse!
(Tom mutters)
- What makes you think I
know anything about it?
- [Tom] Well, I oughta pop you!
- [Joel] How would you
like a knuckle sandwich,
Mister Frank Mayo?
(men mumble)
- [Bob] Quit stalling!
You know what we're talking about!
- I can't even guess!
(Tom chuckles)
- All right.
We'll take him along and work him over.
- [Joel] Great!
I've been wanting to drop some pounds!
- [Tom] Oh!
Liston is down, Liston is down!
Cassius Clay is the new world champion!
(dramatic music)
- Get in the car quick!
Come on, you guys!
- [Crow] Ghost car to the rescue!
- [Tom] Yay!
- [Crow] Oh, look, no jackrabbit starts!
Oh! (grunts)
- [Tom] Right.
Drive along this river junction!
Take a left at the cyclorama!
- They've taken their prisoner with them!
- Where do you suppose they are?
- Well, we're gonna find out!
- [Crow] That's not what I asked!
(car whooshes)
Whoa!
♫ The Getaway Chase Game
♫ Getaway ♫
- [Crow] Gotta getaway, gotta getaway!
- [Tom] We don't know who it is.
Let's just shoot all the tires
and let God sort it out.
- [Joel] Let God patch it.
- [Crow] What!
Oh, guy!
You gotta know how to ease down!
This is a big car!
Come on!
- [Joel] I woulda put on my belt,
but they hadn't been invented yet, boss!
(car whooshes)
- [Tom] Coast Guard to the rescue.
Oh, let's have a picnic!
Come on!
Ooh!
Come here, you!
I love you, you're mine! (giggles)
Quit tickling.
- [Joel] Hey!
Cut it out! (giggles)
- [Crow] Yeah, eat it, boy, eat it!
Die, boy, die!
Eat it, swallow it!
- [Joel] No don't drool on me!
(hocks spit)
- [Tom] He's gonna snag on ya.
He's gonna snag on you!
(muffled shouting)
- Now, who are ya?
What were you doing at Zorka's house?
- [Joel] Um, uh.
Come on, talk up!
- Well, I--
- [Joel] I, uh, uh...
(gunshot blasts)
- [Tom] Oh!
I guess they didn't want
him to spill the beans, huh?
- [Joel] He's always stunned.
- [Crow] How come they,
- [Crow] Joel, how come
they kill all these people,
but the credits don't get any shorter?
(gunshots blasting)
- [Tom] Have you noticed all
these guys look the same?
How do they know who they're shooting at?
- [Crow] Okay, you proved your point.
- [Tom] Yup.
- Shall I go get 'em?
- No, it's too late.
We got one of 'em anyway.
You've been very good!
- [Joel] No, he's our guy.
- They fixed this one so he won't talk.
- Sure is good shootin'
for this kinda light.
- [Tom] Yeah, I gotta admire him.
- Are you men all right?
- Sure thing!
- [Joel] We got him!
- We're trying to print
some measurements--
- [Crow] It's kinda light.
- [Joel] I'd like to shake his hand!
- I'll get the equipment out of the car.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- We gotta find out all about this gang.
Who they are
and what they're doing in this business.
- [Tom] Why do they shoot
each other all the time?
- Those men are who Zorka
is selling his formula to.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
- [Joel] That guy's right!
He really does have a flat butt, boss!
- [Tom] Hm, nice watch.
(buttons beep)
(Tom grunts)
- So, you were going to sell me out
to (mumbles), were you?
- [Tom] No, boss!
I love you!
I swear!
Oh, you're kidding!
That's a... (chuckles).
(Monk mutters)
- Of course.
You wouldn't dare to betray me.
The police still want you, Monk!
They don't want me!
- [Joel] Mong?
- They think I'm dead!
- [Joel] You are.
- Now the government and the spy
are both determined to steal my secret!
It is necessary to share a very vital
secret knowledge with you!
- [Crow] I like to wear the mittens!
- The hiding place of the
source of all my power.
- [Monk] The source!
- [Tom] Cool, let me at it!
- [Crow] Wow.
Hey, is that where you make
those great baked beans?
- [Tom] Whistleberries you
must never taste! (chuckles)
Uh, boss, I'm fine, really.
Uh,
I checked myself at home in the shower.
You don't have to, uh, oh. (sighs)
- [Crow] That was close.
- [Tom] Yeah.
It's called the Rubics cube!
Don't screw it up!
There is power enough to seize
or destroy the world!
And only I,
I know how to release
and control it!
- [Joel] No brag,
just fact.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Hey!
Shooters!
All right!
The source of all your power.
It's Cuervo!
Woo!
- [Crow] (clicks tongue)
I'm gonna need a lime, boss.
My gag reflexes is right at the surface.
(Zorka mutters)
- Which would be fatal to open it!
- [Joel] And you could keep drink.
Make it ahead of time!
Keep it in the freezer!
Makes bump-ups, too!
- [Tom] It's a nice bouquet!
Good legs!
It's a real smoky single malt! (slurps)
Slunge!
- [Joel] Finish it!
("MST3K Theme")
- Bring her closer!
(upbeat music)
Reacts to her, definitely!
Or to something she's carrying!
- [Tom] Squeeze her gently.
- Oh, so it's just a hold-up!
- [Crow] I'll give you five dollars
if you have a hard-boiled
egg in your purse!
- One of Zorka's disks!
Where'd you get it?
- At Doctor Zorka's house.
Under a withered plant.
- [Crow] His wife?
- Yes, I remember.
(Tom chuckles)
I meant to take it.
- That's the thing it reacts to!
- And that's the clue for our antidote!
- [Joel] And that's the thing that we,
hey wait!
- [Tom] Oh,
hey, you gettin' a good draw
off of that thing? (sucking)
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] He's ours!
We're gonna have to brand him!
You hold him down, Hoss!
Little Joe,
keep those thing, get,
make it hot!
(men chatting)
- Getting stronger with every beat!
(speaking French and Italian)
- We're lucky last night
that we got one of you!
It's unfortunate the G-Men are on this!
- Well, they are in on it, Chief.
We gotta act quick
if we expect to beat
them to Zorka's secret!
Wherever it is.
- Do you think Monk's go it?
- [Tom] Oh, sure.
He wrote around midnight, didn't he?
- Strange.
Almost as if he was
under a hypnotic spell.
- [Crow] You now,
I like this hypnotic spell bit!
- Perhaps he is!
Has it ever occurred to you
that Zorka might be alive?
- No, what do you mean?
- [Tom] I mean, Zorka might be alive!
- He has done some remarkable things.
He's never quite right to me either.
That he should die in
an ordinary accident.
- [Joel] I'd always imagined him
doing something real splashy!
- Bring him to me!
Perhaps the sight of money
will loosen his tongue!
- [Tom] Hey!
- I know some other ways, too!
- [Crow] Like beating him over the head
with hedge shears!
- Our leader is expecting us
to get control of this great secret!
With it, we can conquer the world!
- [Tom] Then we start thinking big.
(urgent music)
- [Joel] Mayberry!
My favorite town!
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
Here he goes!
(Joel squeaks)
String in the door.
I saw it.
Cheap.
- You passed out 'cause you had the disks
we'd planted on Ann Zorka.
- Who'd wanna destroy her?
- [Tom] Oh, I would!
- [Crow] Me too!
- Can I take this along
to Zorka's laboratory?
It might lead to something.
- Certainly!
I'll assemble and analysis
of what is on that disk.
It might lead directly to Zorka's secret!
- [Crow] Oh, don't get up!
- Come on.
- [Tom] Lazy.
- [Crow] There he doesn' go.
- [Tom] Oh-ho, fun!
- (mumbles) the Zorka disks.
- I hope you get get
enough other information
so that we can crack this case wide open!
- Yeah, before it cracks us!
(Joel and robots laughing)
- [Tom] So, with grenadine,
or without, my dear?
(mixture bubbling)
- Now if I can just get this formula
properly recorded--
- [Tom] I can get a
contract with Dave Getham!
Oh, wait a minute.
He casts a shadow?
(mixture bubbling)
- [Joel] Now, would you prefer
a Long Island Iced Tea?
- [Tom] Did he have a hairnet on?
With casting.
(container clatters and explodes)
- [Tom] Ooh!
- [Crow] Clumsy oaf!
(doctor coughing)
- [Perkins] What's the
matter Doctor Mallory?
(Mallory coughs and mumbles)
- [Crow] I'm having chest pains!
(chattering)
- [Joel] First word
sounds like--
- [Tom] His doin' his Joe Cocker there!
(dramatic music)
Oh, he's wearing a hairnet.
- [Crow] Hey, that's the closet!
- [Tom] Dummy!
- [Crow] That's his Annie.
- [Joel] Hey, has he been hitting you?
- [Tom] Nice watch.
(machine beeps)
Hey, whoa!
This is neat!
Huh, what are you doin' Saturday?
Uh, I'm movin' into a new place.
Okay, now drop and give me 20! (chuckles)
- [Crow] Cool, a robot.
Mm-hm.
Uh, right face!
- [Joel] Don't smoke.
Please don't smoke.
I'm dead now.
- [Tom] Don't smoke.
- [Joel] Now I'll try to remember
to get out real slow.
We're trying to pad the film here.
- Hey,
why do we always have to get here
just as the sun is setting?
- [Tom] Oh.
- Those long shadows
get on your nerves, hey, Jim?
- I hope to tell you, around this place.
- Uh, let's see what this can find for us.
- [Tom] It's a Boy Scout compass.
- [Bob] The chopper's fired.
- [Crow] A Boy Scout?
- [Joel] I'm going to take the little nip!
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
(Joel slurps)
- [Crow] Yeah, not even chauffers
can resist the rich
taste of ultimate power!
- [Tom] Dear John,
I have to tell you,
what I have to tell you is--
- [Joel] Oh, never mind.
(papers rustle)
- He's almost jumped out the dial here.
Must be another disk around close.
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] I'm gonna take this cube
and I'm gonna sell it myself.
I've seen its power,
and you know it's not that good.
- [Tom] Yeah, that's right.
- [Crow] And I'll see you later!
- [Joel] Oil can!
- [Tom] Don't smoke!
Please.
Eh, these Game Boys are great.
I got Centipede!
- Yeah, it's strong here.
(door creaks)
- [Crow] I love that old thing! (chuckles)
- [Tom] Oh.
- Now it's stronger.
This way, Jim.
- [Joel] Oh, terrific,
I got the source of ultimate power,
and I'm trapped like a rat!
- [Tom] Uh, landlord!
- [Joel] I'm doing the dishes!
- [Tom] I just wanna show the apartment.
Is that okay?
- [Crow] Hello?
- [Joel] Hello, pest control.
- [Tom] Hello!
- [Joel] We're spraying today!
Hello?
- Not so strong here.
(music crescendos)
- [Crow] Hm, plot gets weaker over here.
- Now it's stronger!
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Joel] Funny.
- [Tom] Maybe I'll just sneak by here,
if you don't mind.
- [Both] Hey!
- [Crow] Hey!
- [Tom] What do you mean hey?
- Who is this mutt?
- [Crow] He came with you.
What are you askin' me for?
(detective mutters)
- He may be one of the spies!
(explosion blasts)
- [Tom] Oh!
- What's the matter?
What was that?
- [Crow] What, what?
- [Tom] I didn't do that.
- [Crow] He who smelt it dealt it.
- It slipped right from my hand.
And when it touched that box,
it went right up in smoke!
- [Joel] Sure.
- There's something pretty hot in there!
- Don't open that!
- Aw, we need Doctor Mallory to open it!
- [Tom] Yeah, I oughta.
- Well, we'll take him
to headquarters, first.
- [Tom] Yeah, Paul Nunca!
Big old, uh.
(car whooshes)
That's what you get
for wanting to rule the world, buddy!
- I can't open this thing!
- [Joel] Oh, crap, he's
gonna open that thing!
I gotta get a plan!
- [Jim] What's the matter, Bob?
Can't you make it?
(Bob mutters)
Maybe it's just as well,
after what happened with at meometer.
- [Tom] Yeah, you're probably right.
Hey, let's climb around
on something we can't possibly understand!
- Hey, Bob!
What's the matter with this car?
The engine stopped running!
- [Joel] Well, let's hope the
rear projection holds out!
(Tom murmurs)
(electricity buzzes)
- [Tom] Whoa!
- [Crow] Shocking, wow!
- [Tom] Yup.
- [Joel] Hey, neat!
(men shout)
It's blowin' up power lines!
Open up another one, Bob!
- [Crow] Cool!
- Hey, keep it rolling!
(dramatic music)
(explosion blasts)
- [Tom] Whoa-oh.
- [Crow] Zorka must be
a power line protester.
- [Tom] So, I'll just get out here, okay?
Yeah, don't bother stop
and account for me.
(all shouting)
(electricity buzzes)
(towers crash)
And guess what time it is?
- [Joel] Oh, we better get out of here.
- [Tom] It's time to split.
Come on, let's go!
- [Crow] Well, thanks for comin'!
Good night!
You've been a wonderful audience!
The Phantom Creep audiences
are the greatest audiences in the whoa!
(dramatic music crescendos)
(door thuds)
(door creaks)
(fire crackles)
(door whooshes)
(door whirs)
(doors thud)
(door slams)
(door thuds)
- Man, that was such an ordeal!
What a cool trick,
making us watch a whole other movie again!
- Yeah, with each episode,
that Phantom Creeps
gets more and more ridiculous!
- Yeah, I know!
Who did that chauffeur think he was?
Thinking he could rule the world!
- Yeah.
- Hey, it wasn't my fault
that we showed The
Phantom Creep at the end!
It's Doctor Forrester who calls
all the shots around here!
If you ask me, that
chauffeur had the right idea.
As a matter of fact,
I've prepared a little number!
(piano music)
♫ If chauffeurs ruled the world
♫ It's what I'd like to see
♫ 'Cause everyone in the world
♫ Would take a back seat to me
♫ I wouldn't have to drive
♫ I wouldn't have to steer
♫ 'Cause all would bow down before me
♫ In total abject fear ♫
- All the gorgeous dames
would worship at my feet!
Why, I could have any one of them I want!
Even Meryl Streep!
♫ I'd have complete respect
♫ Of everyone on the planet
♫ Including intellectuals
♫ Even David Mamet
(soft percussive music)
♫ Tell me, why do I have to take
♫ Orders from this guy
♫ I'd like to drop him in
a bucket of boiling grease
♫ And watch him slowly die ♫
- That's enough, Frank!
♫ If chauffeurs ruled the world ♫
- That's enough, Frank!
Frank!
♫ It's what I
(screams)
♫ To see
♫ 'Cause everyone in the world. ♫
- That's enough!
♫ Would take a back seat to me, mommy ♫
- That's enough, Frank!
(paper rustles)
- [All] We think your song is fabulous!
♫ If shelvers ruled the world (sniffles)
♫ It's what I'd like to see (sobs)
♫ But I guess some other
palooka will rule the world
(snorts)
♫ No, not me ♫
- Push the button Judy Garland!
(Frank sobs)
Push the button, Frank!
- You think the Ace Awards
people are watching right now?
- Oh, for crying out loud!
(button clicks)
(soft piano music)
("Mighty Science Theater")
♫ Next Sunday, AD
♫ There was a guy named Joel
♫ Not too different than you or me
♫ He worked at Gizmodic Institute
♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuit
♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place
♫ But his bosses didn't like him
♫ So they shot him into space
(engine roars)
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst we can find, la-la-la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ And we'll monitor his mind, la-la-la
♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end, la-la-la
♫ Because he used those special parts
♫ To make his robot friends
(whirring)
♫ Robot roll-call
♫ Cambot
♫ Gypsy
- Hi, girls.
♫ Tom Servo
♫ Crow
♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes
♫ And other science facts, la-la-la
♫ Then repeat to yourself
♫ It's just a show
♫ I should really just relax
♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫
(guitar strums)
(engine chugging)
(door creaks)
(flames crackle)
(door slams)
(engine chugs)
(door thunks)
(door slams)
- Hey everybody.
My name's Joel.
Welcome to the
Satellite of Love.
(alarm beeps)
- [Robots] Woah, movie time, movie time!
(robots chuckle)
- He did it!
He actually did it!
- Hey, good one there, Cambot!
Boy, we really fazed him.
(Crow mumbles)
I didn't think he was that gullible!
- Ah, what a maroon!
(Tom laughs)
- [Voiceover] Control sign in five,
four,
three, two,
(robots laugh)
control sign out.
- Ah, hit the buzzer.
- I can't!
My arms are inoperable.
- And my good ones are in the shop, oh.
(Crow grunts)
("MST3K Theme")
(engine whirs)
- Uh-oh, uh,
it was all in fun, Joel!
(robots chuckle)
- We were just giving you the raz!
- (chuckles) Yeah.
- I'm just glad I programmed
you two knuckle-knobs
to give me some occasional
good-natured ribbing.
(robots chuckle and sigh)
Ah, wait.
It looks like it's time
for the invention exchange.
(gas hissing)
- (gasps) Mommy, mommy!
Don't look at me!
Don't ever look at me! (gasps)
- And don't drool this time!
Well, hello, booby.
This week's invention exchange
is an exciting foray into
the field of self-surgery,
much in keeping with the
theme of today's film.
All you need is a willing subject,
a can of nitrous oxide
and an oversized version of the game
Operation.
(latch clicks)
Operation!
The goofy game for dopey doctors!
Remove wrenched ankle.
- No, no!
Why, why?
(metal thunks)
Thank you.
- And it's all in the
name of science, you know?
But if you touch the sides...
(electricity buzzes)
(Frank screams)
(metal thunks)
- Thank you!
Well, you get the idea, don't you?
Don't you?
- [Tom] And you used to
work with these guys?
- Yeah, that's what I'm
talkin' about, you guys!
Again, me and the scientists
are in direct dichotomy.
They took Milton Bradley
and turned him into Doctor Phibes,
while I took this Day-Glo
x-ray fluoroscope,
chopped it, channeled it,
added some thrush pipes,
and came up with a game
that teaches you about
your body as you play!
- Hey, it's kinda like Twister!
- Yeah!
Everybody knows that food in your throat
is called bolus.
I call this game pin-bolus!
(robots laugh)
Get it?
Okay, as you can see, my
innards are all lit up.
(clears throat) I take this
ordinary, Day-Glo barium
meatball
and eat it. (gulps)
(ball clatters and bells ring)
- Wow!
- Okay, then, as you can see,
I can move my kidneys here,
and it's kinda like playing pinball!
(robots laugh)
- This gives a whole new meaning
to playing with your food,
doesn't it?
(Joel and Crow mutter)
- Hey, if you score enough points,
do you get an extra ball movement?
(Crow cackles)
- [Tom] Aw, good one!
And, uh, does hopping around
make it tilt or something?
- No, but it will make you throw up.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- And, (clears throat)
there's the pin-bolus!
(robots mutter)
Anyway,
what do you think, sirs?
- Oh, I'm feeling much better now.
Say,
could you give me a glass of juice
with one of those little
bendy straws on it?
I love those things.
- Can it, Frank!
- [Frank] Just delightful.
(electricity buzzes and Frank wails)
Well, Joel,
(Frank whimpers)
today's film is a
plotless little peccadillo
called Ring of Terror.
It's about some of the oldest
medical students in history.
Chomp on it, but don't choke!
(alarms blare)
(Joel and robots scream)
(engines chug)
(door clatters)
(door whooshes)
(door thuds)
(door chugs)
(door whirs)
(fire crackles)
(door crashes)
(ominous music)
- [Joel] Oh,
what's that, Tom?
It says--
- [Tom and Joel] "Centerville,
"a real great place to
raise your kids up."
- [Tom] Hm.
- [Joel] Wow.
- [Tom] Neat.
Hey, where do you suppose
those arrows are leading to?
- [Joel] Hm, I guess we'll fi--
(dramatic music)
(Joel and robots scream)
- [Tom] Playstar Productions?
I gotta look this one up.
Just a second, let's see.
Um.
Oh, here's the book.
Uh, (stutters) Ring of Terror,
1962.
Bomb.
Director Clark Paylow,
starring George Mather, Esther Furst,
Austin Green, Joseph Conway.
"A medical student must confront
"a corpse as a fraternity initiation prank
"in this low-budget moo-zer."
Huh.
- [Crow] Hm.
- [Crow] Well, can we go then?
- [Tom] I think this is the beginning
of a long, hard ride here.
- [Joel] Oh, let's go, uh, that way.
- [Tom] No, wait!
- [Joel] Hey!
- [Tom] We're supposed to go that
way.
What gives?
Hm.
- [Joel] Hey,
hi, everybody.
(solemn march music)
Oh, I see.
(robots grumble)
- [Tom] Yeah, it's one of those.
♫ Look for the Union radar
♫ When you are dying and the ♫
- [Crow] Look, Lyndon LaRouche's brother!
They just bought drugs
from the Queen of England!
- [Joel] Shoes by Botany 500,
body by Fischer.
- [Crow] He looks like Count Chocula.
- [Tom] Shouldn't they
have their high beams on?
- [Joel] It must be cold.
- [Tom] Okay, everybody on set
for the big Cossack number!
- [Joel] Oh, the caterers are here.
They must be serving Tombstone pizza.
(Tom laughs)
- [Tom] Aw, look, she's mad
'cause she just lost her
job on Petticoat Junction.
Ah, get that camera outta my face!
- [Joel] Ah, The Funeral, by Henry Gibson.
- [Tom] Bocchia-cha-cha-chio,
that's my favorite Italian wine.
♫ Paylow, Palow
♫ Director's gone and
they want to go home ♫
- [Tom] Yeah, I'm the last guy in line.
And I like being there.
Go ahead and lay a,
never mind.
- [Joel] A graveyard?
What a coincidence?
Then they can bury the
script for this thing.
- [Tom] From the graveyard
of motion pictures,
comes Ring of Terror.
(gentle music)
- [Joel] Funeral group?
- [Crow] Where'd they go?
- [Tom] Funeral guys!
- [Joel] Hey!
- [Tom] Funeral guys!
- [Crow] Where are they hiding?
- [Tom] Where are they?
- [Crow] I told Morris to
bury me in a mausoleum!
- [Joel] Hey!
Funeral guys!
- [Tom] Guys?
- [Tom] Oh, wait a minute.
- [Joel] Hey, guys.
- [Tom] Somebody open that?
- [Joel] That thing's
getting really close.
- [Crow] Ah, it's an automatic gate.
It'll open.
- [Tom] Gonna get crushed.
- [Joel] Hey, no, I don't think so!
- [Crow] Yeah!
- [Tom] I'm gonna climb
- [Joel] Hey, hey!
- From over here.
- [Joel] That's not funny!
- [Tom] Hey open that gate!
- [Joel] Hey, do you mind?
(Tom screams)
We're getting too close!
We're gonna crash!
Just please, oh!
- [All] Oh!
(robots sigh)
- [Crow] Thank you.
(Joel sighs)
- [Joel] Hey, check it out!
Bob Dobson,
from the Church of the SubGenius!
- [Tom] The Almighty Bob!
- [Joel] Hm.
- [Tom] Hi, I'm the life of the party.
- [Voiceover] Good evening, friends.
- [Crow] I'm a lamp!
- Let me invite you for a
stroll down Graveyard Lane.
- [Joel] Oh, it's Joel Franklin.
- Where beauty and love abide.
And in death,
we are born to eternal life.
- [Tom] Mr. Magoo!
What happened to you?
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Gloomy Gus!
- [Joel] Ah, life!
(Tom sighs)
- All monuments, from the
simplest to the most elaborate,
stand erect on the
closed books of the lives
of our beloved departed.
- [Joel and Crow] Huh?
- [Tom] What the?
And each marker would hold many stories.
Some filled with happiness.
Some
filled with sorrow.
- [Joel] Some
filled with a creamy nougat center!
(robots chuckle)
- [Crow] We'll just wait here, then, huh?
Mister?
- [Tom] Uh, hey there?
- [Joel] Behind your head?
- [Crow] Hey!
- [Tom] Here, yeah.
- [Joel] Hi.
- What would they do
if they had the chance
to relive their lives?
- [Tom] Uh, I'd get out of here.
- [Crow] I'd buy Polaroid.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- What would you do?
- [Tom] Oh, we'd hunt you
down to the ends of the earth,
buddy!
Oh, hi!
- [Joel] Um.
- [Crow] We're over here.
(door creaks)
- [Tom] Uh, this way.
- [Joel] Right here.
- [Tom] Right down here!
Down here, guy!
Down here!
(Joel mumbles)
- Puma!
- [Tom] What?
- [Joel] Ah, Humor.
You missed that section on the bookshelf.
Hm?
- [Tom] Uh,
we'll just, uh,
stay here, then.
- [Joel] Yoo-ma, hoo-ma?
- [Tom] What's yoo-ma?
Too-ma?
Tumor!
He dropped a tumor!
- [Crow] Oh!
He got a tumor
(man calling out)
and he can't find it.
- [Man] Puma!
Hm, I think that's what it's--
- [Joel] Let's try the yoo-ma!
- [Man] Puma!
- [Tom] Johnny Yoo-ma. (mumbles)
(man mumbles)
- [Joel] Ray gun?
- [Man] Where are you?
- [Tom] Hm, I don't get it.
- [Man] Puma!
- [Tom] Oh, yo-yo!
Yo Yo Ma!
It's his favorite cellist!
- [Joel] Ah.
- [Crow] Oh!
- [Crow] In a graveyard?
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] Well--
- [Man] Don't be afraid, Puma!
Don't be afraid!
- [Joel] Ray Hay Ketchum's buried there.
- [Tom] No.
(ominous music)
- [Man] Puma!
- [Joel] Plot's around here somewhere.
- [Tom] Huma, I think.
I think, oh--
- [Man] Oh.
- [Man] There you are, Puma!
- [Tom] Look!
- [Crow] Ah, it's a little kitty!
- [Man] Nice kitty.
(robot screeches)
Yes.
(robot purring)
Nice Puma.
- [Crow] Nice kitty.
(robots screech and spit)
(all chuckle)
- Yes, Puma.
- [Tom] Yes.
Now, let's you and I go
through the storm, huh?
- [Tom] Through the kitchen!
- [Joel] We'll make a nice burrito!
(cat screeches)
- [Tom] Oh, that's nice.
I'm calling Betty White.
- [Man] I'm sorry, Puma.
I didn't mean to step on you!
- [Joel] Sure.
- [Tom] Yeah, right!
- [Crow] (screeches) Run, run this way!
(Tom laughs)
- Puma!
- [Tom] Fuma!
Puma!
- [Tom] Isn't this a
little redundant, buddy?
- Puma?
- [Joel] (laughs) The way he's walking!
(robots chuckle)
- [Man] Puma!
- [Crow} (Panting) Think!
Don't tell him where I am!
Hide me!
- [Man] Don't be afraid!
- [Joel] You're okay, little fella.
(cat meows)
- [Tom] Caught.
- There, Puma.
Come to (drowned out by robots screeching)
I didn't mean to step on you!
- [Tom] I meant to kill you!
(cat meows)
- [Tom] Move your head.
- Lewis B. Moffitt.
- [Tom] Sat on a toffit.
- February third, 1933.
November 17, 1955.
- [Tom] If the man is still alive.
- I fear not. (laughs evilly)
- [Tom] I don't think so!
- I remember him.
- [Crow] Mm-hm.
I remember.
- [Joel] Yeah?
Tell us about it!
- [Man] Lewis B. Moffitt.
- [Tom] Uh-huh.
(Crow chatters)
(harp strumming)
- [Crow] Hmm.
Buy hand lotion.
(jazzy dance music)
Hm, magazine.
- [Tom] Hm, cookie!
- [Joel] Try to get along with the others!
(Tom's arm rattles)
- Hey, I'm goin' to the cafeteria!
- [Joel] To go get my forehead lengthened!
- Just waiting for you!
- [Guy] I'm ready!
- Come on, dude!
The girls will be there!
- [Tom] Huh?
- [Crow] Geez, Joel, he looks
old to be a college student!
- To the cafeteria!
- [Joel] Come on!
- Not now.
Maybe later!
- Say, when is your first
lecture in dissection?
- It's any day now.
- They haven't told us what
everybody's wondering.
(student mumbles)
- Professor Rayburn is a terrific cut-up!
(gurgles)
(robots laugh)
- [Crow] I love that joke.
- And Gerald McLew?
- Physically, I'm fine.
But technically--
- [Joel] I'm all messed up inside.
- I gotta keep hitting the books.
- Betty might be at the cafeteria.
- [Tom] Well, I gotta
keep hitting her, too.
- Ah, go on, let's leave him!
Let's go, fellas!
- [Joel] Yeah, okay, I'm
not into chili peppers,
you know?
- [Tom] Yeah, let's all go.
- [Tom] Let's all go.
- [Joel] Hate chili peppers.
Love hamburgers.
- [Tom] (inhales) Oh, see, where was I?
Oh, yeah.
"See Dick.
"See Dick make a lateral incision."
("MST3K Theme")
- [Woman] Quite frankly,
I was never so bored in all my life.
- [Joel] Did you touch it?
- He pulled back on the drive,
and the first thing he did
was turn the car light on.
- On?
(sighs)
- [Joel] That kooks me out!
(robot laughs)
- Then he opened the glove compartment,
took out some papers--
- [Tom] And rolled a big spleef!
- And read me seven chapters
from a book he's writing!
- What's the name of the book?
- [Crow] Tropic of Cancer.
- Oh, I remember.
He called it the Veet Evolution.
- [Tom] The beef evolution?
- Alice, are you sure there
were no callers for me today?
- [Joel] Sorry, Sno-cone.
(women mumble)
- [Tom] Who is she Janice Ian?
- [Joel] She looks like a model
for Resusci-Annie.
- Gee, that's funny.
When Lewis says he'll call,
he's always right on the dot.
- [Tom] Yeah, a purple
micro-dot. (chuckles)
- I wonder if anything's wrong.
- Are you kidding?
Nothing will ever happen to that one!
- Why not?
He's just like any other human being!
- [Joel] Well, he's got a prehensile tail.
- Not from what I hear!
- What do you hear, Alice?
- Well,
Jerry says he's got
nerves that won't quit.
- My boyfriend Seymour says he likes him.
- Alice, you were saying something
I sure wish you'd finish.
- [Tom] It sounds like it was recorded
in somebody's bathroom,
(women chatter)
doesn't it?
- Well, you might not if you understood.
- Do you understand it?
- I think I do!
Well, pretty well, anyway.
I always get the feeling
that there's a fight
going on inside of him.
- [Joel] Between male and female!
- I can't quite sum it to you,
but it's like there were
two people inside there,
two separate personalities
trying to gain control.
- [Tom] Glen and Glenda!
(Tom chuckles)
(women mumble)
- But I know how I feel when I'm with him.
- Betty, I think you're in love with him!
- [Crow] I feel a song coming on!
(Tom sings)
- It could be.
If it weren't for one thing.
- What's that?
- [Joel] I look like Resusci-Annie.
- Nothing seems to shake him!
He's not afraid of anything!
It might hurt him someday.
What do you think?
- [All] You're high!
- I'd go crazy trying to
figure the answer to that one!
- I'm going to call him!
- [Tom] Oh!
Go!
- Well, it's gonna start
getting pretty sticky in here
in a few minutes.
(robots mutter)
- [Joel] Let it lay, you guys!
- [Tom] Okay.
(Alice mumbles)
- See you at the cafeteria!
- [Tom] Bye.
- Come on, let's go to the cafeteria!
- [Joel] Did she say cafeteria?
- [Tom] Cafeteria?
- [Crow] Wow!
(Joel, Crow and Tom chatter)
(telephone rings)
- [Tom] Uh, could you get that, son?
Oh, I forget that I am a college student.
Sorry.
(phone clatters)
- Hello?
This is Lewis Moffitt.
Betty!
I missed you at the cafeteria!
- I was at the hairdresser's.
- [Crow] Getting a punch job.
- Oh?
On account of our date?
(Tom giggle)
- What else?
- (chuckles) Well, you're
gonna be the slickest chick
at that ever-lovin' hop!
- [Tom] 'Cause I'm gonna
What are you doing?
coach you with bear grease.
- Waiting for you to ask me
what I'm doing!
- [Joel] I just did!
- (chuckles) Well, the gang
have gone down to the cafeteria.
Would you like to join 'em?
- [Joel] For some Wilding?
- I'll bring it up.
- Now that's what I call service!
- [Tom] Oo!
Send Mister Moffitt's car
around to the door, James!
- [Tom] Oh, I love it
when he calls me James!
- [Joel] Aw, she's the ginchest!
Life does begin at 40!
- [Tom] And let's see. (grunts)
Oo, that bursitis is
really acting up today!
- [Crow] I'm gonna have to take a sweater!
My legs are old, my teeth are gray.
(traffic whooshes)
- [Tom] Oh, good brakes!
- [Lewis] Gee, you must
have jets on this heap!
- My launching pad is
only three blocks away,
remember?
- [Joel] Oo!
- [Lewis] Yeah!
- [Joel] Yeah don't get me started.
My missile's ready to fire!
- [Crow] The Shadow has cleared the tower!
- (mutters) To the moon!
- [Betty] To the moon!
- [Tom] To the moon,
Alice.
- Can't we spend a quiet evening?
Like, alone?
- [Tom] What do you mean?
Alone alone
(Lewis mumbles)
or metaphorically alone?
- The fellas oughta all be
together in case he does!
You know, the autopsy's being
conducted at City Morgue and
John Does don't grow on slabs every day!
(robots chuckles)
- We wouldn't be gone long.
- [Joel] If I know you!
- Okay, we go for a short drive,
moonlight
and then to the cafeteria!
(Joel and robots purr and screech)
(engine rumbles)
(muffled shouting)
(muffled wailing)
- [Joel] Oh.
The dump again?
- [Tom] It's not a dump!
It's a sanitary landfill!
Obviously, a joke.
(piano music)
- [Joel] Bob has a problem.
(Tom scatting)
Bob wasn't careful, you see,
so he's paying the price.
- [Crow] I just love
these outdoor piano bars!
- [Betty] Aren't they lovely?
(twig snaps)
- [Tom] Uh, ow, eh!
How would you like it
if somebody picked apples off of you?
- [Joel] Have you ever been whipped
with a magnolia frond, dear?
(Tom mumbles)
(crickets chirp)
(robot murmuring)
- [Joel] Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me?
- [Tom] You forgot to
put your teeth in, Jim.
- I wish you were studying
law or architecture
or engineering or
anything except medicine!
- [Tom] My mother wanted me
to marry a street musician!
- Just because your father was a doctor,
doesn't mean you have
to carry on with a life
that was set by someone else!
- Betty, we've been over all that before.
I'm studying medicine not
because Dad was a doctor,
but because--
- [Tom] I'm old!
(Lewis mumbles)
I've got a practice!
I've been a respected doctor for 20 years!
- I'm not afraid of any of it!
I'm not afraid of the blood or the corpses
or the operations!
- [Joel] That's why I love you!
- That's very important for a doctor
to do his duties well!
I'm sorry, Betty,
if you're not interested in all that.
- It's my fault, darling.
I'll never bring up the subject again!
- [Crow] I'm that codependent!
(robots slurping)
(horror music)
- [Joel] Hi, I'm Satan!
This is what happens when
you do the hanky panky
before you're married!
Let's watch the fun!
Really!
(Crow slurps)
- [Tom] Oh Captain Spalding!
- [Joel] Cooking.
Lucky for me,
someone set a bale of hay by the door!
What a hoot!
Don't pollute!
'Scuse me, gotta get in here!
Pardon me!
(Crow laughs)
'Scuse me!
(robots slurping)
Uh, just gettin' in here.
'Scuse me!
Just be a moment. (gulps)
Pull in the tail section.
Yup, that's a lot better.
- [Tom] Oh!
I hit somethin'!
- [Tom] (slurps) Oh, Steve,
put my truss back on!
- [Joel] Slip of the tongue,
that's what I do!
(snake tail rattles)
- [Tom] Huh?
(dramatic music)
Uh-oh.
Is that you?
- [Joel] Come on, old man,
let's mix it up a bit!
What do you say?
- It's a rattler! (muttering)
- [Joel] I'm your worst
nightmare, old timer!
Come on, mix it up!
- [Tom] What's he doin'?
- [Joel] Ah, come on!
- [Tom] Ooh! Stupid old snake!
Ooh!
- [Crow] I'm gonna turn you
into a pair of boots!
- [Joel] Oh, think, yeah,
you're a big man, huh?
Had to use a stick!
Come on!
Man to man, me and you!
Oh, yeah, don't oh!
Thanks a lot!
Ow, owie!
Oh, oh, oh!
- [Crow] Stupid old snake!
You ruined everything!
- [Tom] Welcome to America, snakie!
Tell your friends!
- [Crow] He did the mamba mambo!
(Tom chuckles and sighs)
- [Crow] Now where were we?
I believe I had my tongue
down your throat!
- Are you all right, Betty?
- I'm all right, Lewis!
- [Tom] Oh, get me my
nitro pills, would you?
- You're not afraid of anything!
Not anything!
- [Joel] Except our intimacy.
- [Tom] Hm.
- [Joel] Boy, I hate these 4:00 AMs!
(Tom yawns)
(upbeat music)
- [Tom] Hey!
Campus cafeteria!
Snazzy name for a hot club, huh?
- [Crow] Yeah!
- [Tom] Hey, guys,
it's the Dave Brubeck Quartet,
appearing at the cafeteria tonight!
- [Crow] He looks more
like a Davey Brubeck.
- [Tom] Dave Junior and the Kids.
That's a big sound for 16.
- [Crow] So that's when we frag 'em!
What do you say? (grumbles)
- [Tom] I am Queasy.
I can't stop turning my neck!
See?
Look!
- I'm Wormy!
I have rubbed armpits
and an extra big toe!
- [Crow] Hey, how is that guy
playing a saxophone with his lap?
- [Joel] Hey, music kid?
- [Tom] Use that jaw!
- [Joel] Let's go!
Play!
(robot slurping)
- [Tom] Boy, I love
these toenail clippings!
- [Crow] Ugh.
- [Joel] Hey, six inches, everybody!
Come on!
- [Tom] Sorry, split up!
- [Joel] Hi, Grandpa!
- [Crow] Well, here's your syrup, boys!
Chug-a-lug!
What about our pancakes?
- [Tom] Now these two have a problem.
- Now, which one of the three
sodas did you like the best?
- [Crow] Oh, the next one!
- I enjoyed 'em all!
(Tom laughs)
I'd like to try a raspberry!
- [Joel] Hm!
- You'll have another
one with me? (laughs)
(Crow moans)
(man mumbles)
- Well, all right.
Hey, Howard!
Give me another one, will ya?
- What is it, Tiny?
- [Tom] Pick me up.
He's trying to hold--
- [Crow] Can I walk?
(robots mumble)
- Make us the raspberry,
will ya?
Hey, make it two!
- Two raspberry sodas!
For the last of the big time spender!
(doors clatter)
(flames crackle)
(doors thud)
(engine chugs)
(door slams)
(door thuds)
(door slams)
(door clatters)
- Hey, Cambot,
could you run that music from the movie?
Let's do that thing we worked out.
I got the drawings here.
- Okay.
(upbeat music)
Is your college meeting your needs?
Do you find you've plopped
down into the library's
cushy chairs and then
just can't get back up?
- Do you often refer to the
head of the English department
as "Young Man"?
- Do you wish those
frat parties would ditch
all that annoying fun
and serve you a nice hot
cup of chamomile tea?
Then you should join us at the Old School.
- Yes, it's the Old School.
As seen on Playstar
Productions' hit movie,
Ring of Terror.
Now let's acquaint you
with some of the features
at this fine university.
Joel?
- Why, thank you, Thomas!
This campus sprawls
beautifully, but safely,
over one tenth of a square mile,
nestled between the Irene Rye Hip Clinic
and the Royal Gear Institute
for Truss Research.
Mister Crow?
- Thank you,
Sir.
You just finished with
one of Doctor Rayburn's
fine lectures on blue rinses,
and you and your walker
are spoilin' for fun!
Hey, why not head down,
slowly,
to the athletic facility located just off
War Story Park?
The school team, the Larks,
look forward to another terrific season!
- Cheer them on from your
backa lounger in the bleachers,
as you do the nod!
Or belt out the school song,
"It's a good day for a BM!"
- You know,
these kids really know
how to have a good time!
It's not uncommon at all
for the more excited winners
to dump a whole cooler
of Gera on their unwitting coach's head!
(robots chuckle)
But, you know, it's not all fun and games
for these oldsters!
The curriculum's tough, tough, tough!
- That's right!
There's Napping 111
with the fearsome Doctor Prowler,
a man so mean, he once
expelled an entire class
just for snoring too loud!
- [Tom] There is
upper-level soup slurping!
And advanced Check-paying
and Tip-shorting!
- [Joel] Corn Sanding
and Bunion Counseling
right on campus!
- [Crow] And when your
grandkids come to visit,
you'll receive a fully-researched
dossier on each of 'em
so you can tell them apart!
- But that's not all!
Last year, the lecture council brought in
some amazing speakers!
Among them is Estelle
Getty, Lawrence Welk,
Laird Brooks Schmidt, Art Linkletter,
and, inexpicably, Garrett Morris.
- [Crow] Huh?
- So, send for your free
catalog today!
Join us
at the Old School!
Our motto:
(speaking Latin),
which means,
"Let's get rid of those
annoying liver spots!"
And remember, if you're over 50,
you cannot be turned down!
("MST3K Theme")
(upbeat music)
Hey, let's say we bust loose
and get some nice hot basket!
(robots giggle)
- [Crow] Hey, let's look at the girls!
(Joel and robots cat-calling)
- [Tom] You'll stand up,
not me, though.
(students chatter)
- [Crow] Hey, quit moving
those chairs around!
- [Student] I'd tell that Moffitt.
He rarely messes with anybody or anything.
- [Tom] Hm.
Strange.
(students mumble)
- You're forgetting Betty Crocker!
- [Tom] Betty Crocker?
What she sees in him,
I'll never know.
She's beautiful.
And smart, too.
- [Crow] And boy can she cook!
- Yes, she's very devoted to him!
Doesn't play the field!
Like some girls I know!
- [Joel] What a burn!
- Is the coming to the
house tomorrow night?
- Yeah, with Lewis.
- He won't be there!
Not if the autopsy's for tomorrow night.
(Tom smacks kiss)
- Him and 15 other guys!
All of you will be dancing
with tears in your eyes,
'cause the boy in your arms is a girl!
- [Tom] Sounds good to me!
- You doctors-to-be always
spoil our social life
with your all-night studying routines!
- All part of a doctor's training!
Getting used to the irregular
hours of a doctor's life!
- [Tom] And just getting
used to being irregular!
- Oh, here they come now!
- [Tom] Hm!
- [Tom] Look, gang.
- Gee, it looks like
she's just seen a ghost!
- [Crow] Or a snake!
- [Tom] Hey, we just finished making out
our wills! (chuckles)
- Hey, gang, what's new?
- [Crow] Not us!
(students chatter)
- [Alice] We thought you
took her to the morgue
to look at all the dad bodies!
(Lewis chuckles)
- I've just had a rendez-vous
with a rattlesnake!
- [Crow] Didja touch it?
- It crawled into the car
while we were parked!
(robot grumbles)
But Lewis killed it!
- Gee, no wonder she's pale!
- I'd have fainted!
- [Robots] What?
- Lou, I saw Professor
Rayburn on the way down.
He said the coroner might
have a stiff ready for us--
- [Crow] Say, we took
care of that already!
- That's great!
- Yeah, soon as the City
Coroner confirms it!
He'll let us know the exact time!
- [Joel] The guy's not dead yet.
He's just really old.
(students mutter)
- [Tom] It's getting better!
- Hey, and maybe it won't
happen tomorrow night.
- [Crow] Let's eat!
- [Joel] Mm-mm!
(students laugh and chatter)
- [Tom] These are baked hams!
And this Karen Fiddly sent them over!
- Check?
Hey, is this the price,
or is that your telephone number? (laughs)
(robots laugh and groan)
- It wasn't that, Tiny!
I wrote that one about five years ago!
- [Joel] (mumbles) Chinese!
(student chatters)
- Come on, let's eat.
- [Crow] Hey, where's my diet cola?
(dishes clatter)
- [Joel] Mm-mm.
- This is great!
- [Joel] Yeah.
- Cy-form tablets.
Help to keep the weight down!
I gotta make that fraternity!
- [Tom] We've secretly
switched Tiny's coffee
with chicken-fried Brookline gravy!
Let's watch and see what happens!
(robot gags and all laugh)
- [Joel] Let a whole
bunch of fat puns loose
and it's still acceptable to laugh at it.
(robots chuckle)
- [Tom] Hey!
- You know what?
I hear that music is a real
fine form of exercise!
- [Crow] Let's eat some!
Especially dancing to it, too!
You wanna?
- Sure!
(Joel slurps)
- [Tom] Finish it off, Joel.
(Joel slurps)
- [Joel] Looks like a precursor
to the monster truck rallies!
- [Tom] Yee-hoo!
Oh that's real chubby!
♫ Rattle, rattle, thunder clatter,
♫ boom, boom, boom ♫
- [Tom] Oh, no, that's me.
Whoo!
What's goin' on here?
- [Crow] Praying mantis!
- [Joel] Oh, even I've
gotta laugh! (chuckles)
- [Tom] An interpretive dance showing
how plate tectonics works.
- [Joel] Chortle.
Chortle.
(Tom rattles)
- [Crow] We really are cool cats!
- [Tom] Yeah, they are.
- [Joel] Even the truck
driver and his chicks
gotta laugh!
- [Crow] Okay, now who's
makin' a trumpet noise?
I don't see no trumpet.
- [Joel] They're laughing
through their instruments!
- [Tom] I can tell.
Ugh, look out.
Thump.
Yep, yep, yep. (chuckles)
At least they're having
a good time, you know?
- [Joel] That's a good stroke candidate.
(students laughing)
Oh, you were enjoyed!
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
- [Tom] Meanwhile in the Edith
Evans College for Grown-Ups.
- The frosh look like
they're gonna provide
a lot of kicks these year, Howard!
- [Tom] These year?
He said these year.
- [Man] What are you gonna
cook up for them this year?
- Well, the radiology
class has some new routines
worked out for the budding medics!
- [Crow] We're thinkin'
of takin' advantage
of the freshmen's osteoporosis!
- I even got a hold of some stunts
tried out at Yale and Cornell!
Not to mention
jolly old Oxford!
(Joel and robots groan)
- They even have one from
the University of Naples,
which dates way, way back!
- Bella Napoli!
So whatta ya gotta Faizani
- [Tom] Shut up!
- To tell you the truth,
it's pretty gruesome.
I'd hate to be one of the fellas
on the receiving end!
- [Tom] Isn't that Don DeFor
from TV's Hazel?
- Wow, that's terrific!
Hey, what (mumbles)?
- Nuh-uh, buddy.
Not with meeting!
'Sides, we can't give the pledges
out their routines
until after I sit down and make out
their first autopsy!
- [Joel] Probably hates them too!
- [Crow] You mean autopsy!
- We'll meet tonight!
(upperclassman muttering loudly)
- [Joel] Kill that guy!
- [Tom] Kill him!
- [Crow and Tom] Kill him!
- [Joel] Hey, come on, you guys!
There's a fire at the mort sci building!
- [Tom] Hm.
- [Crow] Get the marshmallows!
- [Lewis] Professor Rayburn!
- Hello, Moffitt!
- [Tom] How's the toffit?
- Professor Rayburn, may
I ask a favor of you?
- Why certainly, what is it?
- [Joel] Uh, is it okay
if I kiss up to you?
- (mutters) to use a student
to assist you at your autopsies.
- Yes, but that shouldn't concern you.
I usually pick seniors!
- [Tom] I never want
anyone that's older than me.
- If I might help you.
- That's odd!
Most of the fellas try to dodge it!
- [Crow] Why, you
couldn't be a day over 40!
- They give me all kinds
of lame-duck excuses!
From a heart condition to athlete's foot!
- [Joel] Alzheimers to broken hips!
- Well, may I, sir?
- All right!
I'll tell you what you do.
You, uh, you go by the
morgue, just before class,
and slip into a surgical gown.
- [Crow] And that's all.
(Lewis and professor mutter)
Then take a cold shower
and hop up on a slab!
- Well, thank you very much.
I appreciate it, sir.
- [Tom] What a jerk.
- [Crow] Oh, to be 40 again!
- [Crow] Idiot!
(siren wails)
- [Joel] Hey,
check it out you guys!
Here comes the school activity bus!
The prom queen probably
had a stroke or something!
- [Tom] Yeah, the school
song is called "Code Blue"!
Yeah, that's Randolph Manters
behind the wheel there,
and hope he's gettin' the mood
in the Heimlich here.
- [Joel] You gotta get that
in every movie, don't you?
- [Tom] Yeah, I'm sorry.
- [Crow] Emergency 911.
- [Joel] Hey, look!
Everything's made
by the Japanese!
- [Tom] Japanese!
Man.
(Tom shouts in mock Japanese)
- [Tom] Got Godzilla in
the back of the truck!
Anna-Tommy,
that must be where they do A-topsies.
- [Joel] They make toys there.
- [Crow] Hm, let's see.
The hip bone is connected to the, um.
Ah.
(telephone rings)
Yes?
- [Joel] Hello?
I'm calling from the other line!
- This is Doctor Rayburn.
- [Joel] Mm-hm.
- Oh, oh, yes, Carl!
- [Joel] Uh, hi, yeah, my name's Carl!
- You have one ready?
- [Joel] Yeah, I have one ready.
Definitely.
- No, no!
No, it's not too late!
- [Joel] No, it's not
too late, good hours,
but I was wondering if you'd--
I would rather have it tonight!
- [Joel] Oh, good, it's
not gonna be too late?
- You see, tomorrow is Saturday, and--
- [Joel] Tomorrow's Saturday, sir.
- There's no class
until Monday!
- [Joel] So, you would tell
we need it soon.
- Oh, that'll be fine!
- [Joel] Mm-hm, I'll get it to you
right now.
- Yes.
- [Joel] Right away.
- Yes, yes, I'll notify
the class immediately!
- [Joel] Hm.
- [Joel] Good, would you tell the class?
- Thank you!
- [Tom] That'd be great.
- [Joel] Hey, where, uh!
(phone clicks in receiver)
Oh!
Anyway, I wasn't done talking!
I really would like to
finish up my conversation--
- [Tom] Oh, let's see here,
one, nine, seven, six, corpse. (chuckles)
Hello! (grunts)
(telephone rings)
(television show rumbles)
- [Crow] Right in the middle of Bonanza!
- [Tom] Better get that.
It could be the phone.
(gunshots blasting)
- Hello?
- Uh, this is Professor Rayburn speaking.
- [Tom] Gene Rayburn!
- [Tom] When Stanley grabs
- Oh, Doctor Rayburn!
his tools, he blanks. (chuckles)
- Ah, will you notify the boys
to be at the city morgue,
315 Broadway,
at 8:45 tonight?
- [Crow] Wear loose-fitting clothes
and have a two-minute song prepared.
- The city morgue?
315 Broadway.
(gunshots blasting)
- [Joel] Now I know
that's a lot of numbers
for you to remember.
- [Rayburn] Thank you!
- Right!
(telephone thuds)
- [Joel] Hey.
- This is it fellas!
- [Joel] We're goin' to Broadway!
(Joel and robots cheer)
- [Tom] All right, yeah!
- I'll go over to Morrison Hall--
- [Tom] Broadway!
- And, Jim, you go to the North Dormitory
and spread the word around!
- [Crow] Tom, you go long.
You, put on that band uniform!
You, grab those things!
- [Tom] And you!
- [Tom] And you!
And you!
You know what to do!
Hey,
Morrison Hall.
Break on through, dudes.
- [Joel] Mm, there's the door
of perception over there.
- [Student] Hurry up!
- [Tom] That's right.
We have to be over
at the morgue in 15 minutes!
Howard, can we use your station wagon?
- [Joel] It's one of the biggest
in the world!
(Howard mumbles)
- And Jerry,
you can take six, can't you?
- [Joel] I always do!
- Yeah I can take six with me!
- Good!
We'll see ya there.
And remember,
315 Broadway!
Come on, let's go!
(robot cheers)
♫ Oh, we're going to see the dead guy
♫ We're going to see the dead guy
♫ Hoo ♫
- [Crow] So all 55 students
crammed like clowns,
their aging, brittle bones
carefully placed in the station wagon,
with not one head rising above the seat!
And they kept their blinker on
(car rumbles)
the whole way.
- [Tom] Phew!
(Joel and robots blubber and sing)
("MST3K Theme")
(traffic whooshes)
- [Joel] Okay, look sharp, teen gang!
I want everyone to be
on their best behavior!
- [Tom] And so the
students from clown college
arrive, pile out of the
car and enter the mortuary.
- [Student] Run upstairs, upstairs!
- [Crow] Hurry!
- [Joel] It's like the
dead guy can't wait.
- [Tom] City Morgue, we deliver!
- [Rayburn] Gentlemen,
this is your first
gastrovascular dissection!
- [Crow] Or, at least, the
first one sanctioned by us.
- It is the threshold of
your future medical career!
- [All] Uh-huh, yeah, go on.
Yeah, sure.
- Some of us may succeed,
and some of us may falter.
- [Tom] But words will never hurt us!
- [Rayburn] However strong we may feel--
- [Joel] Our bones are very brittle!
- [Rayburn] Some of us cannot overcome
certain inner emotions.
- [Joel] Like love.
- When we view an autopsy of this kind,
let me say to you to feel free
to leave the class.
- [Tom] To do the technicolor yawn.
- [Joel] To blow chow!
- [Crow] To chuck the chow on
the white porcelain throne!
- [Tom] To summon the earl.
- Accustom ourselves
to the callousness
- [Crow] Of the script.
of what is to follow.
(Tom chuckles)
Mister Moffitt!
- [Tom] Show the boys your toffit!
- [Rayburn] Will you roll
in Mister John Doe, please?
- [Joel] Oh, with pleasure, sir.
I'd be happy to do it!
- [Tom] Kiss up.
- [Crow] I'm queasy!
- [Tom] I'm Nauseous!
- [Joel] I'm Sickin'!
- [Crow] I'm hungry, too!
- [Tom] Bump-bump, bump-bump, bump-bump.
Oh, I forgot he's dead.
Hm.
- [Joel] Okay, okay, let's go!
Let's go!
- [Tom] It all looks so good!
- [Joel] Hm!
(dramatic music)
(robots gasp)
- Mister John Doe
left this world with one possession,
one.
- [Crow] Dibs, dibs!
A gold ring.
- [Joel] Hey, check out that guy!
He's got a really cute wrist!
- [Tom] Ah, not as cute as his down there!
- [Crow] I know they're
lookin' at my wrist.
- We shall begin
- [Tom] The begane!
with a pectoral incision!
- [Tom] Bum, bum, bum!
(ominous music)
Bum, bum!
- [Joel] Ooh, I'm so ashamed!
- [Tom] I've been living a lie!
- [Crow] Oh, I want a
potato sandwich, too!
- [Joel] Teacher's pet!
Now, earlier today,
I baked a corpse at 425 degrees.
- [Tom] Dum, dum, dum.
- [Rayburn] Then we follow
with an abdominal incision!
- [Tom] And a light lemon-chiffon sauce!
With shallots.
(Joel moans)
- We have now exposed
the gastrovascular cavity.
- [Crow] Which should be
stuffed with a sage dressing.
- We have cut through the epidermis.
And you see this yellow mass.
That's the fatty tissue.
- [Tom] Which should be
whipped into stiff peaks!
- [Joel] Oh, the fatty, oh!
Hm.
- [Rayburn] We then proceed to the right!
And locate the dew-wattle.
- [Joel] Oh, the da-wah, oh!
- Now, gentlemen,
please pay close attention!
- [Crow] The show is down here, gentlemen!
- [Rayburn] I'm about to show you.
- [Joel] Uh, say, huh, doctor guy?
Uh, could we have some
of those tools up here?
We got another one up here!
- [Rayburn] By the muscles.
- [Rayburn] Now this is most
important in the human body.
- [Joel] My boss.
He always goes on like this!
Now, on with the show!
- [Tom] Uh, mic up, please?
Microphone!
- [Joel] Audio!
- [Crow] You come in here with
a corpse filled with mush,
and you leave vomiting profusely!
- [Joel] Remind me to never
eat those Spaghetti-Os.
- [Crow] One day, that'll be me.
- [Joel] I just said remind me not to eat
any more Spaghetti-Os!
Now what do you need?
I'm talkin' to you!
I don't need--
- [Tom] (scoff) How's it goin'
so far?
I gotta eat soon.
I got a Grateful Dead concert to go to.
Hey, wait a minute!
(Rayburn mumbles under soft audio)
- [Crow] You do the hokey-pokey,
turn yourself around.
That's really what it's all about!
- It's really very simple!
Now that we've, uh, made
the pectoral incision,
I want you to notice
all the fleshy tissue--
- [Joel] Around my waist!
(Tom chuckles)
- This man must have led a
very full and active life.
- [Crow] 'Cause there's a
squirrel in his stomach!
(Rayburn mutters)
- [Rayburn] But his muscle
structure up in his chest--
- [Tom] Oh, cancel that
trip to the White Castle!
- [Joel] Look, I said I'll
never eat Spaghetti-Os!
- Now, another indication!
Another indication, gentlemen.
- [Tom and Joel] Another indication.
- [Tom] Another indication.
- When you look at the--
- [Tom] It's another
- [Tom] indication.
- down here on the right,
you find, oh, all kinds of little things.
- [Crow] Little things like
little cars and trucks,
little plastic army men.
Lots of fur.
(Rayburn drones)
- [Joel] (grunts) Check please!
- It's a kind of a dark,
bloody mass.
- [Tom] Oh, this is my stop! (gags)
- Well, (chuckles) it's not
very pleasant to look at,
I must admit.
- [Crow] But with rice
and the correct seasoning,
you've got a wonderful meal!
(Tom laughs)
- [Joel] They don't have nice wrists.
- As we look in the upper chest cavity--
- [Tom] Oh, go, please!
(stammers and gags)
I'm into this.
It's just the way I am.
- [Rayburn] The aorta--
- [Crow] The aorta
makes an excellent sock puppet,
and will, from hereon,
be represented by the timpani.
- [Joel] It's 11:00 on the big FM.
Time for another fade.
- [Tom] We now find
(Rayburn mumbles)
Mister Heart.
It's just a serving (stutters) suggestion.
- [Rayburn] Has rendered posthumously
a great service to medical science.
- [Tom] What a showman,
ladies and gentlemen!
- [Tom] He gave his all!
- Now he will be transferred
to the general mausoleum of
the Raven Hills Cemetery.
- [Crow] Where we'll
meet for bars and punch.
- Where he will be stored
for about a week
in the receiving vault.
- [Tom] These are the battered faces
of men in their 40s.
- [Rayburn] He will
probably be buried there
in Potter's Field.
- [Joel] You've been a wonderful audience!
Enjoy the buffet!
- [Rayburn] Mister Dumont!
- You may escort Mister
John Doe to his drawer.
- [Joel] The junk drawer?
- [Crow] But first,
the saw-the-lady-in-half gag!
(Tom sings)
(thrilling music)
- [Joel] Oh, no!
(robots scream)
- [Crow] It's horrible!
(Tom moans)
Look at those nails!
(ominous music)
- [Joel] You were enjoyed, friend!
- [Tom] Meanwhile, at
the Amityville House.
- [Crow] (moans) Not the clown suit, Dad!
No!
I'll take out the trash!
(student mutters)
Go, Bob, get off of me!
Oh!
Oh.
(Tom chortles)
(Tom growls)
No.
Curly.
- [Joel] Oh, what's this?
The Psychology of Fear, huh?
- [Tom] Hm.
(all scream)
- [Tom] Got me. (sighs)
Huh.
- [Crow] Hm.
- What is it?
What's the matter?
- You were talkin' in your sleep.
What's wrong?
You havin' a nightmare?
- Oh, (mutters).
- [Joel] Did I say
anything about a clown suit
and my uncle?
- What are you doin' with my book?
- The Psychology of Fear.
What are you scared of?
- [Tom] Give me that!
And go tell your mother to come to bed!
- [Crow] Does that mean I gotta go?
- [Joel] All right.
Get in.
- What's the matter with you?
- I was just thinking.
- Do you have to do it staring at me?
- [Tom] It helps.
- You know, every time
you have a nightmare,
you always say the same words.
"Don't turn off the light."
- What are you doing now?
Taking notes?
- What does it mean, anyway?
- Ask a psychiatrist!
- Well, don't get touchy!
- Well, how do you think it feels
to wake up and find
some guy staring at you?
- [Crow] Makes my heart pound.
- I don't mean to bug you about it.
- It's the same nightmare I've been having
ever since I was a kid.
It's got some meaning, I guess,
but I don't know what it is.
- [Joel] I just like it.
- I may have been around
too many dead bodies.
Look, if it annoys you,
I can move to another room.
- Oh, no, I didn't mean that!
I just, well, you know.
I just wondered.
- [Joel] Yeah.
- [Tom] He's like totally down.
- [Tom] Isn't he?
- Don't you get nightmares?
- After that autopsy, I'll
probably have plenty of 'em.
(robots murmur)
- Look,
it's 10 minutes after 4:00.
- [Tom] And I'm not even wearing a watch.
- [Joel] Hm.
- [Crow] Well, good
night, Sergeant Carter!
- [Joel] Hey, he's turning
the lights off with his mind!
- [Tom] Wow.
(students chatter)
It's the Old School,
where old values are nurtured.
- [Crow] I don't know about you,
but that Irene Ryan is fine!
- [Tom] Oo!
- [Joel] So, we're waitin'
for the CDs to turn over,
you know?
Then we're gonna cash 'em.
- [Tom] Hey, how's the hip, bud?
You got that cataract
operation comin' up, don't ya?
- [Crow] Yep.
- [Joel] Hey, speak up.
Come on.
That's better.
- Well, not exactly.
You know, I can't say
I blame them, though.
We did leave them stranded at the dance.
- Alice won't even look at me!
- [Crow] Can you blame her, pug boy?
(Tom sighs)
- I don't know how they have the nerve
to wanna speak to us
even, after last night!
- I'm tired of playing
second fiddle to a skeleton!
- Yeah, they'd rather be with
those dead bodies over there
than with these live ones right here!
- [Tom] Tell 'em, Brunhilde!
- Excuse me.
- [Joel] (clicks tongue] Uh-oh.
The monkey boy's coming.
Excuse me.
- [Crow] Ditch 'em.
- Betty?
Betty!
Wait!
- [Crow] Oh.
She knows I can't make those stairs!
Gotta use the ramp.
- I was hoping they'd get over it,
before we do it again
to them Friday night.
- That's right!
The barbecue!
- [Tom] What, they're gonna eat the body?
- When are we gonna get
our initiation assignments?
- The orders will be handed
to us in sealed envelopes
at 11:00 PM, after the barbecue.
- [Joel] Zowie!
- That oughta be a ball!
- (scoffs) For whom?
I hear some pretty gruesome stories!
- After that autopsy,
what could be so tough?
- [Joel] Watching the
fat people eat again?
- [Crow] Yeah.
- Hey, you were the only guy
that didn't seem to mind it!
- Mister Moffit, you may
escort Mister John Doe in.
Hey, I know what your
initiation assignment should be!
- Joe.
- Say it!
You're thinking what I'm thinking!
- [Tom] That makes me psychic!
- Don't say it!
We'll suggest it to the senior committee!
- Well, I'm game.
- [Joel] Enough said.
- Just so long as I make the fraternity.
- [Tom] Yeah.
Let's go, buddy.
- [Joel] Yeah, we gotta
get to class, too.
- [Crow] We're gonna be late.
- [Student] Let's go!
See you later!
(Joel mutters)
- [Tom] Gotta get to class.
- [Joel] Kill that guy.
- Boy, if they only knew
what they're in for.
(senior cackles)
- Comes the dawn!
- Brother!
("MST3K Theme")
- All right, gentlemen and miss!
This is your first exposure
to the world of robotic anatomy. (claps)
Beneath this sheet
is a one, we will call Mister Hoover,
who, through no fault of his own,
is dead.
- [Gypsy] Oh.
He left this world with one possession,
an upholstery attachment.
(robots gasping)
All right, now.
Keep in mind, this today's lesson
will lay the groundwork for your
future careers in
medicine,
or should I say mechanics?
Some of you will succeed gloriously,
while others will fail miserably.
Now remember, today's
lesson is in anatomy.
There will be times when
you wish to leave the room.
- [Crow and Tom] Okay, okay.
- But don't.
- [Crow] All right.
- All right, now by
examining Mister Hoover,
we can say he led a very rich
and rewarding existence.
He inhaled deeply from the
fibers of the carpet of life
and left the world a little cleaner.
Now, I carry on a bit,
(abstract pulsing crescendos)
maybe if you let me go.
And you can see that...
It goes like this.
And it goes like this.
And leads us up to (crunches apple).
The abdominal bag.
(robots gag)
An incision, okay?
When you ascend to the epel-dermal layer.
(robots gasping)
Using the zipper, so as not to
damage the soft inner
(bag zipping)
bladder!
(robots groaning)
(Gypsy screams and mutters)
All right.
Finally.
(robots grunt)
(Joel mumbles)
With a flip of the switch,
you're in business.
The pelvis.
(Joel mutters)
(clock clicks)
- Oopsie!
- From which we drink lustfully.
From next we must probe Mister Hoover's
vacuu-lar gastro cavity!
(Crow groans)
- Oh, that stinks!
- As we can see,
he probably cleaned a very
dirty,
dirty
carpet.
As we can see, (crunches apple)
(bag squeaking)
we have some pieces of hair,
(robots groan)
um, some plastic things,
a few pennies here,
(bag blubbering)
(Gypsy wails)
some Trix cereal,
some, uh, audio tape,
and something, (sniffs)
uh, looks like a piece of wax
with some dog food attached.
(Gypsy screams)
(Gypsy thuds and moans)
- Oh, look out!
Oh, yuck!
- Oh!
Gypsy's chunking!
- She's pooting all over the place!
- Right now, gentlemen,
(robots groan)
please pay attention.
This is for your benefit. (claps)
Now we probe deeper into the
(bag squeaks)
vacuu-lar gastro cavity.
(bag slurping)
(robots moan and thud)
Finding movie sinus majorus,
which we must expel!
(alarms beeping)
Meaning movie starting.
(taps light)
(door clatters)
(door thuds)
(door whooshes)
(fire crackles)
(door clangs)
(students chattering)
- [Joel] There, all done.
(Tom sighs)
- [Tom] That was pretty disgusting, Joel.
- Hello, Bob.
- Oh, hi!
- [Crow] I'm a bush!
- Say, you handled
yourself like an old pro
at the dissection last night!
- [Joel] Well, I practice a lot
when I'm alone.
- How much does it take
to push a cart around?
- One with a dead body on it?
- [All] Brother!
- It's not really a big deal.
- Hey, what's the story
on you anyway, Moffitt?
- [Joel] I'm a serial killer.
- I mean, what are you trying to prove?
- [Crow] Energy equals matter!
- What makes you think I'm
trying to prove anything?
- Eh, you're playing it bold and
fearless these days.
- [Crow] And tan and beautiful!
- Why?
To impress the fraternity committee?
- [John] Hey, look!
I've been lookin' all over for ya!
- You found me!
- You know Wayne Arnold?
- Yeah.
- He was killed last night.
- [Tom] Oh, that's--
- You're kidding!
- [Joel] That's great!
- [Tom] Yeah, congratulations!
- Slammed right into a truck!
(Crow whistles)
They said he was
goin' over 100 miles an
hour when it happened.
- [Joel] On his lark?
I'm goin' over to the
funeral parlor tonight.
Wondered if you want to come along.
- Gee, I'd like to, but
I'd better hit the books.
- [Crow] Yeah, I'm all torn up inside.
- Why, you scared, Moffitt?
- You know, as a matter
of fact, I can make it.
- [Tom] (chuckles) He's a tower of jello!
- Well, I gotta cut out.
I'll see ya then.
So long, Bob, so long.
- [Tom] What a nut.
- [Joel] We'll be right ba, hey!
(traffic whooshes)
- [Crow] Grover's Corners after dark!
- [Joel] Wow, Meyer's Funeral Home.
We cater!
- [Crow] Ick.
- [Tom] Oh, I shouldn'ta eaten
so much spaghetti. (grunts)
- [Joel] I'm Dickens.
He's Fenster.
We're cops.
- [Tom] Hm.
- [Crow] He's in mourning.
He's wearing his underwear at half mast.
- [Tom] Yeah.
Definitely.
Half mast.
(door latch clicks)
- [Tom] I really like that
Larry Storch ensemble!
- [Joel] Do you really think
we should have gone
through Walter's closet?
- [Tom] Hello!
- [Joel] Anybody home?
(ominous music)
- [Tom] Hey!
- [Crow and Joel] Dead guy!
- [Tom] Dead buddy?
(Joel whistles)
Hello!
- [Crow] Echo!
- [Tom] Echo!
- [Crow] Abra-cadaver!
(Joel shouts)
(Tom shrieks)
(Crow groans)
- [Tom] Got him, Joel.
Hm.
Fanta suite.
(door latch clicks)
Hey.
- [Crow] Ah, the buffet!
That spinach dip looks great!
- [Tom] No, that's his head!
(robots gagging)
- [Joel] Can't believe he's even wearing
his brat-house t-shirt!
I'm gonna go throw up!
- [Crow] I love open caskets
when they've gone through the windshield.
- [Tom] Yeah.
(Joel blows)
(robots mutter)
- [Tom] Mommy, Mommy!
- [Joel] The clown suit?
- [Tom] Mommy?
(Lewis mumbles and calls out)
Uncle Bob?
- [Lewis] Help!
- [John] Don't panic, Lou!
I'll light the candle.
- [Tom] It all goes to darkness!
(Crow meows)
- [Joel] Wow.
- [John] What's wrong?
- I gotta get out of here.
- [Tom] Ooh.
Come on.
- What happened?
- It got dark.
- Yeah, the candle went out.
- [Crow] I'm here, Bob.
- Do you remember that nightmare I had?
- [Crow] About the clown suit?
- I said I didn't know what it meant.
- Yeah.
- Well, I didn't.
But I do now.
- [Tom] Mm-hm?
When I was eight years old,
my grandfather died.
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
The coffin was in the living room.
- [Joel] Let it out, buddy, let it out.
- The night before the funeral,
I begged my mother to leave the light on
in my room.
- [Tom] That's it, let go.
She wouldn't do it.
- [Crow] So I killed her.
And I cried.
And she told me if I didn't stop,
my grandfather would get
up and give me a licking.
- [Crow] And then she
kept putting up posters
of Bruno Hauptmann.
- And she turned off the
light and she left me.
I lay there all night
- [Tom] This was...
in the dark,
listening to all the sounds and
scared to death that body'd get up and
come into my room.
- [Joel] And this was last year!
- Wow.
Well, now that you know
what the reason is,
it won't bother you anymore!
- I sure hope so!
- [Crow] Me, too.
It's like you're not fun to be with.
- Look, do me a favor will ya?
- Sure?
- Don't tell anybody what happened.
(Tom snorts)
- Don't worry.
I won't tell anybody.
- You know how it is, you,
you just don't want people
to think you're chicken.
- Well, nobody thinks that anyway!
(robots clucking)
- I sure hope not!
I don't want 'em to start.
Come on, let's get out of here.
- [Tom] Let's go get a pizza.
- [Crow] Meanwhile at the Colosseum,
the vomitoriums are cleaned
and readied for the day's activities.
- [Joel] Hey, look!
(students chatter)
It's Sammy Davis Junior!
- We have 18 assignments ready,
each in a separate sealed envelope.
- [Tom] In a mayonnaise jar
under Funkle Randall's front porch.
- Gary, Tom Neely and Lewis Moffitt.
- Hey, I got a great idea.
Take this down.
- Okay.
- Why not have Jerry as Bacchus,
King of Wine?
- [Tom] How old is that guy?
- Now, tomorrow we forbid
him to touch any liquids
all day long.
Not a drop.
- [Crow] Mm-hm?
And at the barbecue,
- [Tom] Uh-huh, yeah?
we let him have all the liquid he wants!
- You mean give him the works
at Silver Lake Fire Fest?
(robots chuckling)
- [Tom] Cool!
- Tom Neely!
- Oh, yah!
The homely boy
in the chemistry glasses!
- [Tom] Oh, nice guy.
- [Tom and Crow] Kill him!
- I've got another great idea!
You got it?
- [Joel] Yeah.
- [Tom] Yup.
- You all know how
- [Tom] He's so cool.
these things come out, don't you?
Sooner or later, every boy and girl
disappears in the shrubs.
(guys mumble and chuckle)
- [Joel] Right. (chuckles)
Why not have Neely now.
- [Joel] Uh-huh, okay?
- And have Neely dressed as Cupid.
(Joel and robots murmur)
Flashlight, bow and arrow, the whole--
- [Tom] Wait a minute,
Cupid didn't have a flashlight!
- [Crow] Maybe he was a movie usher.
= Right in front of her date!
(guys laugh)
(robots laugh)
- (mutters) self-protection!
- [Tom] Huh?
- Okay now, Lewis Moffitt.
- Lewis Moffitt.
Hey, Clark, where have you been?
All of the assignments
are made except one!
- Exactly!
- [Joel] Hate this guy.
- [Tom] Yeah.
Lewis Moffitt.
We've got a great idea.
And it fits him to a T!
- Terrific!
Come on, tell 'em!
Listen to this, fellas.
It's good.
(robots mutter)
- Well, at the autopsy,
Moffitt acted as if he'd been
playing around with corpses
all of his life.
- [Tom] We're the young ones.
The entire procedure
didn't bother him a bit!
- A galvanized stomach, huh?
- [Joel] Shut up!
- Professor Rayburn said
- [Tom] Thank you.
that John Doe's body
would be transferred to
the Raven Hill General Mausoleum
after the autopsy.
Now,
tomorrow night,
after the barbecue,
- [Tom] It's when they're
really swingin' the,
hey, wait a minute!
(students chattering)
Back at the institute.
- [Crow] Oh, sans-a-belt jeans.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Joel] Hey.
Hey, buddy.
I'm in the bushes!
Help me!
- [Tom] Psst, psst!
- Betty.
- If you'll excuse me.
- No I won't excuse you.
- [Tom] No excuse for you.
- I'm gonna talk to you,
and you're gonna listen.
- [Crow] I'm turning off my hearing aid!
- I don't care about anything
- [Crow] Blah, blah, blah!
you have to say!
- [Crow] I'm not listening!
(car door creaks)
- [Joel] Was that your hip, honey?
- [Betty] Will you please get out?
- Not until you listen to me!
- [Betty] Okay, but
make it short, will you?
- First of all, why are you sore?
(Joel and robots clear
throats and whistle)
- You don't know?
- Well, I imagine it's about leaving you
at the dance, isn't it?
- You know perfectly well what it is.
- [Joel] That retirement
dance meant a lot to me!
- I think that's a mighty poor reason.
You know we had to make that lecture
or flunk out automatically!
We had no say in it!
- I know that!
- Then why are you mad?
- I guess you really don't know.
- Well, I'd certainly
- [Tom] Nope.
Like to find out,
if you don't mind telling me.
- [Tom] And you could tell us, too.
- It isn't just the dance, Lewis.
It's the way you've been acting.
- [Crow] Woodenly.
(Tom chuckles)
- You've been acting like
some sort of superman!
- [Joel] Oh, thanks for noticing!
- And it is like what they say.
- They?
- They say you've been
showing how fearless you are
by wheeling dead bodies into classrooms.
- [Tom] And eating them!
And they said
that you've been acting like an oddball!
They say you won't even let them like you!
- They, again.
- [Joel] Yeah.
- [Tom] That's right.
- [Tom] Yup, say it.
- You know what I think
about "they" every time I hear that word?
- [Joel] They?
- I think of some big,
gray, shapeless monster
- [Tom] Like them!
with many faces
and a million voices!
- [Tom] It!
And when you at us,
- [Tom] The "the"!
nothing at all.
If you listen to they, Betty,
you'll be running around
in circles all your life.
(Joel and robots applaud)
It's you that I care about,
(robots whistle)
not they, what they say, what they think.
How do you feel?
- [Joel] I feel like they.
- I don't know.
- How would you feel if you
heard strange things about me?
- [Joel] I have!
- I wouldn't stop talking
to ya until I found out
whether it was true or not.
- [Tom] Well, is it true?
- I wouldn't let they
make any decisions for me.
- [Crow] Hey, it's they!
- [Tom] There they are!
- [Crow] Oh, they have
fun at the bedsore dance?
- [Joel] And now Emma,
(jazzy music)
wearing the Model 3000 plastic hip
with its slim tubular construction.
- [Tom] And here's Opal,
(crowd applauds)
voted most like Barbara Bell Geddes.
- [Joel] Miss Cataracts.
(crowd applauds and whistles)
- [Crow] It's Divine in the early days!
(crowd applauds)
- [Tom] Hey, it's the Warren Commission!
- [Joel] Miss Hot Flash,
(crowd applauds)
gliding through that
change of life gracefully.
- Popcorn, Professor Rayburn?
- [Tom] Yes it is, actually.
- No, no.
- [Joel] Which way to the voms?
(people chatter)
- [Crow] Don't bury me!
I'm not dead yet!
(man mutters)
- [Tom] Now, this is my project.
Now let's go get some chow.
(Tiny and girlfriend exclaim and chatter)
- [Crow] Wow.
Did you find the Carlo?
- [Joel] Ah, look, you made your point
about 'em being fat.
Just stop it.
(soft music)
- [Tom] Very humiliating.
- [Crow] Come on, folks.
Give 'em here.
Come on, show's over, let's go.
- [Tom] I knew our prehensile
tails would come in handy!
(robots gurgle and giggle)
- Bacchus, the King of Wine!
- [Crow] Bud, the King of Beer!
- Hail, thee, Bacchus!
Oh no, oh no,
you have two more minutes to go
and then you can have all you want!
- [Crow] What is this?
A S meeting?
- I'm so thirsty,
it seems like I've been without water
for a month
- [Robots] Kill, kill him!
instead of just a day!
- [Crow] Kill him!
- [Crow] Kill him.
- [Joel] Kill you.
- [Joel] I'll kill you!
- His highness craves
to suckle yon nectar!
Are you ready?
- [Tom] Kill him!
- [Fraternity] Yeah!
- (chuckles) A tall, refreshing goblet
of coke nectar!
- [Joel] And a bucket of battery acid!
(Joel and robots screaming and laughing)
(fraternity brothers laughing)
- [Robots] Just dumped
the big steamy bucket!
(robots cheer)
(Joel and robots sigh)
- [Tom] It's even funnier than the trees!
- [Crow] Funny, funny, funny.
- [Joel] Oh, I deserved that!
The look on your face!
- [Crow] Hey, look who's
wearing corrective pants!
- [Tom] Yeah, it's
George S. Kaufman, guys!
- Didst thou get thy fill?
- It's coming out of his seams!
(Tom yuks)
Well, did you spot any lovers?
- Yeah.
- [Tom] Any what?
- Yeah, I'm afraid I did.
Oh!
(fraternity brothers laugh)
- [Tom] Joel, what is this?
- [Joel] It's a hazing.
- [Tom] What about the ring of terror?
What about the plot, Joel?
Am I the only one who cares?
- [Joel] I really don't wanna tell 'em.
- [Crow] I think the only plot
(fraternity brothers laugh)
was back in the cemetery, Tom.
- [Tom] Yeah, you're right, Crow.
(soft romantic music)
(Joel shushes)
- [Crow] Be vewwy quiet!
I'm humiwiowating mysewf!
I'm shaming my famiwy fow years to come!
- [Voiceover] Honey, you're for me!
- [Joel] Look, I'm a guy!
It's not that dark!
- [Tom] This guy later went on
to head an SNL.
- [Joel] Stupid idiot.
- [Crow] Lonely?
- [Tom] Yeah.
Saturday night live.
- [Joel] Uh, fantasy gram.
Bush division.
- [Crow] Candy gram for Mongo!
- [Joel] Oh, mama!
(laughing and chattering)
(Joel and robots moan)
- [Joel] Oh, come on!
- [Crow] That's it!
- [Tom] Look, you made your point
- [Tom] Look,
you made your point
- [Crow] Yeah.
about the fatties,
- [Crow] You made your point!
please!
- [Crow] Geez!
(jazzy piano music)
- [Tom] That's really sad.
- [Crow] Do we have to watch this?
- [All] She's got a gun!
(Tom shouts)
- [Joel] Oh, it's a sandwich.
(Tom exhales)
- [Tom] Could be loaded, though.
- Well, doll, let me ask you a question.
- What is it, Tiny?
- [Tom] Is this foreplay?
- Did you add any mustard?
(crunching sandwich)
- [Crow] Oh, I'm physically ill.
- [Joel] This is like
nine and a half weeks!
- [Crow] It's worse than the autopsy!
- [Tom] (chuckles) This
movie should be called
Onion Ring of Terror.
Hey, nice package there, huh!
- [Voiceover] What a cute little chick!
(Crow whistles and gags)
- [Joel] There's a million bushes
in this naked city,
and a million naked people behind 'em.
In the naked city.
(robots slurping)
- [Crow] Uh,
oh, you've got my partial.
- [Joel] You taste just like they!
- [Tom] Okay now,
tilt my head back and
clear my air passage.
Now blow in my mouth 15 times
and then push on my chest 15 times.
That's it.
Okay, I should be
breathing on my own, now.
- Oh, come on, Tommy!
- [Joel] So maybe they just
pants him at the end,
(Betty chatters)
is that it?
- [Betty] Tommy, come on!
Come on!
- [Crow] Tommy.
Can you hear me?
(bow clatters)
Oh, plenty to go around!
(Lewis laughs)
Now tongue me, tongue me!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, you bad boy!
- [Tom] My turn!
(group laughing)
Come here, my little Puck!
My little man-woman!
- [Joel] Ah, for fun!
(Tom chortles)
- Well, I almost made 36 inches.
See?
- [Tom] Good, now about your waistline.
- Pretty well, Tiny, considering!
- You mean I'm in?
I'm a brother?
- Well, not quite.
- What do you mean?
- Uh, here's your assignment.
- Let's see.
(paper crinkles)
(Joel and Tom) Hm.
- [Crow] Become Jack Weston?
No problem!
(Tiny mutters)
- "For the next seven days,
"you will forgo all food whatever,
(Joel murmurs)
"with the exception of bread and water
"at three regular intervals a day!"
Oh, no, that's too much!
I quit!
Here, you can have my saccharin bottle
and take back your assignment
for I don't wanna be
anybody's brother that bad!
- [Joel] Oh, that's rich! (chuckling)
- I already got me a brother.
And I got a sister, too!
- [Tom] And they're both inside me!
- I'm gonna go find Rag Doll,
'cause she likes me just the way I am!
- Now wait a minute, Tiny.
Wait a minute!
- What do you want?
- You passed!
- Yeah?
- I was just kidding ya.
You passed your initiation!
You're one of us!
- Yeah?
- [Tom] Well thank ya, Kensie!
- [Joel] Keep your feet on the ground
and keep reaching for the stars!
- Oh, boy!
Wait until I tell Rag Doll!
- It's almost 11:30.
My assignment.
- [Crow] Should I decide to accept.
- May I read it?
(Crow cackles)
- Sorry, darling.
Against the rules.
- [Joel] And we're too old
to be takin' any chances, love.
- [Tom] (sighs) Let's see, uh,
"Dear Sir,
"This is our third attempt
to reach you by mail.
"If you do not pay your bill
by Thursday, April 20--"
- [Bob] You shall go
to Raven Hill Cemetery.
Enter the general mausoleum.
- [Tom] Honey, you sound funny.
All modulated and reverbed.
- [Joel] Should you or
any of your IM force
be caught or killed,
the Secretary will disavow any knowledge
of your action.
- [Bob] To the president of the
senior initiation committee
upon your return to the campus.
The senior committee will
later make proper restitution
through the caretaker of Raven Hill.
- [Joel] Mm-hm, mm-hm.
- [Tom] Love.
- What's wrong, Lewis?
- [Crow] It's taken 53 minutes
You're not scared, are you?
to get back to the plot!
- You are!
- [Tom] I'm just a tower of jello, dear.
- For the first time in your life,
you're really scared!
- Don't be silly.
There's nothing to it!
I've gotta go.
- Please be careful, darling.
- [Tom] Really bad.
- I'll see you when I get back.
- [Crow] Billy, don't be a hero.
Gee, I like the cut of his trousers.
Oh, I love that manly man o' mine.
Well, off to find someone else.
- [Joel] Hey, it's the cars
from Six Flags over Texas.
- [Tom] Huh!
- [Crow] Those go really slow.
- [Tom] The good old days ride, right?
(car door slams)
(engine revving)
- [Crow] It's a pedal car!
- [Tom] Yeah.
(motor putters)
(Tom wheezes)
(car engine roars)
- [Tom] No, hey, look!
It's radio controlled!
- [Crow] Huh!
(people laugh and chatter)
- [Joel] Back off, everybody.
- Bob, you seen Lou around?
- Yeah, he should be back any minute.
- Where'd he go?
- On his assignment.
- [Tom] Hm.
Hey, what about you?
Did you finish yours?
- Yes, I asked everyone
who lives on Howard Street
for penny.
- And?
- [Tom] Mm-hm?
- I got 23 cents!
- [Tom] Uh?
- 23 cents?
You were gone four and a half hours,
and all you got is 23 cents?
- [Tom] Doh!
- It must be the recession.
♫ Wah, wah, wha, wah ♫
- What kind of assignment did Lou get?
- He'll tell you.
If he's able to tell you,
when he gets back.
- You know, I heard you
guys gave an assignment
that dates back to the 15th Century.
- About that--
- [Tom] Discover America?
- [Crow] The Spanish Inquisition?
- [Tom] Break off from
the Catholic Church?
- Now why the curiosity?
- Well, I just wondered
if Lou's assignment
was as weird as mine.
- Weird?
- [Crow and Tom] Weird?
- Yeah, I guess that is the word for it.
- [Tom] Weird.
- Weird.
- [Tom] Weird.
Really weird.
(traffic whooshes)
- [Joel] Can we get out of here?
No? Stay?
Mm-hm.
- [Tom] You stay here.
("MST3K Theme")
- [Joel] Hey, that's where
Fred Mertz dropped dead!
- [Tom] Mm-hm, a bus stop,
a wet day,
she's there.
I say, "Please share my umbrella."
Bus stop.
Bus goes.
Let's dance.
- [Joel] Man, that thing
looks like a bumper car!
- [Crow] When cars ruled the world!
Page 22.
- [Tom] Uh, your headlights, guy.
Boy, I'm dying to get in there. (laughs)
Get me!
I'm scared and I'm
still making jokes, woo!
- [Joel] Man, a mortuary locked at night?
What's the deal?
(melancholy music)
- [Tom] Look!
Many a quaint and curious
vial of forgotten lore!
Pleep.
- [Joel] That's it, I'm steamed.
That cuts it.
No fraternity's worth this!
- [Crow] Oh, I know.
He's gonna go around
to the drive-in window.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Joel] Bring it in.
Yeah, right over there.
Oh, there's no way he
coulda walked that far.
- [Tom] Mm-mm.
- [Crow] Got a car that cool,
you gotta use it.
- [Tom] That's right.
- [Tom] Huh?
Oh!
Juliet!
Juliet?
I cometh hither, Juliet!
- [Crow] Ow, owie, ow, ow, ow!
- [Joel] Oh, this hurts!
(group gasps and groans)
- [Crow] Well that really hurt.
- [Tom] It'll be okay now!
(car rumbles)
Ah, wow.
- [Crow] The nurse is coming.
- [Tom] Damn Jerries almost got me!
- [Joel] Kinch, LeBeau.
- [Crow] Oh, I'm feelin'
the sting on that one!
Not a young man, anymore!
- [Tom] Hm.
I got a few of those in me.
- [Tom] I made it.
I'm in Switzerland!
Hey, look!
It's the Von Trapp Family!
(Joel whistles)
Huh!
- [Joel] Wow, everybody's buried here.
Jim Morrison.
The Unknown Soldier.
The Dead.
- [Tom] Wow.
- [Crow] Rock and roll heaven.
- [Tom] Jimi Hendrix,
with a little bit of, uh.
(all shriek)
- [Crow] Oh I hate
those darn maple leaves!
(Tom gasping)
- [Joel] (sighs) Hey, get off my grave!
(muffled shouting)
- [Tom] Hey, you tryna wake the dead?
Ow, that's gotta, hey!
Puma!
Puma!
Come here, Puma!
- [Joel] Oh, come on.
We're riffing on the
same movie we're doing.
That's not--
- [Crow] I'm going to
kill you all, oh.
- [Tom] You're already dead.
- [Crow] The whole Gambino crime family.
- [Joel] Stone-hedge, and I
can't even tell what time it is.
How do you like that?
- [Crow] So they just come here and die.
Neat! (chuckles)
- [Tom] They die and then they come here.
- [Joel] It's a biggun'
- [Crow] Oh, that's better!
- [Tom] Neat.
- [Joel] Hm.
- [Tom] Let's see here.
Uh, fiction.
Uh, literature.
Non-fiction.
Oh!
Sports.
(Lewis thuds)
(robots groan)
- [Crow] That's it!
I finally did it!
I finally broke my damn dirty hip!
(Tom shouts)
- [Tom] Nice way to land, Joel.
- [Joel] Thanks.
- [Tom] No problem.
- [Crow] Wow, just one time,
I'd like to bogey this hole.
I mean, I really shanked that last one
and now I can't find the ball!
- [Tom] Ah, you're in the bunker, I think.
- [Crow] Yeah, I'm playing a Slazenger 9.
- [Joel] Mauso-lo-leum?
- [Tom] Mauso-leum.
That's for making dead
people fresh and light.
- [Crow] The hills are, ali,
oh, well, maybe they're not.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Tom] The hills are--
- [Joel] No one will be admitted
during the breathtaking walking scene
from Playstar Productions'
Ring of Terror.
- [Tom] Jimmy crack corn,
(gulps) and I don't care.
Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care!
Jimmy (gasps) crack corn (gasps)
and I don't care!
The miss has gone away! (whimpers)
- [Crow] Thump!
- [Tom] (gasps) Maybe
Mister Lincoln can help us!
Let's ask him.
Hm.
- [Joel] Nice.
Swell pad.
- [Crow] Hm.
Cool.
- [Crow] Oh, really nice workmanship
on this gate!
- [Tom] Mm-hm!
(gate creaks)
- [Joel] Oh, this must be a prison.
Says, "The Come and Bury 'Em."
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
- [Crow] Please slip corpses
under the door after 10.
- [Tom] Kind of a Louis Sullivan design.
(haunting organ music)
Hey, listen guys!
All right!
It's Procol Harum doing a sound check!
- [Joel] Cool.
- [Tom] Skip the light fandango!
- [Joel] Hm, they got a
Buddy Squirrel's Nut Shack.
One potato, two.
Hot Sam's, Radio Shack?
This mall's got everything!
- [Crow] Wow, I wonder what
it costs to heat this barn!
- [Tom] Verily, I shall sprint
through the valley of the
shadow of death. (whooshes)
- [Joel] It actually says, "You stab 'em,
"We slab em!"
That's pretty funny!
(robots laugh)
At least they got a sense of humor!
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Crow] Goin' to the chapel.
Gonna get buried. (chuckles)
- [Tom] Buried.
- [Tom] (sighs) So the way I hear it,
if I smoke one of these things,
then I'll be able to
join these people, huh?
- [Joel] Wow, looks
like the EC Escher room!
- [Tom] MC Escher.
- [Joel] MC Escher.
- [Crow] Hey, get me!
I'm Edward R. Murrow already!
- [Tom] It's the power station.
- [Joel] Looks like a locker room.
- [Crow] Ah, looks like HAL's brain.
- [Joel] Oh, no, I think
it's George Romero's automat.
- [Tom] Yup, look there.
There's Hot Hoagie of the Living Dead.
- [Joel] Buck and quarter.
(Crow chuckles)
- [Tom] Cato?
Where are you, my little yellow friend?
Cato?
- [Joel] Cato!
Cato.
Oh, good, the kitchen.
Boy, I'm hungry.
(robots sniffing)
- [Joel] Smells like...
- [Crow] Ah, corpse scat.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Crow] It's around here somewhere!
- [Joel] Hm.
- [Tom] Nice hush puppies.
- [Joel] Well, Reece's Pieces.
ET must be on the premises!
Cato?
- [Tom] Cato?
- [Crow] Man, this has gotta be
the biggest place in the world!
(paper rustles)
- [Tom] Let's see.
Bread, carrots,
toilet paper, shaving,
hey, wait a minute!
(ominous music)
- [Crow] Hm.
Aisle Three.
Spices, flour, rice,
corpses, rings of terror.
(group shouts)
- [Crow] Merv Griffin!
What are you doin' here?
- [Tom] Whoa! (sighs)
Who died in there?
- [Joel] Clean up in Aisle Three!
- [Tom] (chuckles) Let me tell ya!
Let's see, salted.
Blanched.
Ah, honey mustard, here we go.
- [Lewis] A to M.
Uh.
- [Tom] 18.
- [Crow] I hate the Dewey Decimal system!
- [Tom] Oh, yeah, like
that's a big surprise!
- [Joel] All right?
- [Tom] S'okay.
- [Joel] It's all right.
(coffin clatters)
- [Tom] Keeps 'em fresh, though.
- [Joel] Fisher!
(scary music)
(robots gagging)
- [Joel] Oh, God, it reeks!
(Tom gasping)
- [Crow] Oh, oh, my God, oh, oh!
Oh, his finger came off!
(Joel and Tom groan)
Oh, no that's mine!
- [Tom] Gross!
(cat meows)
- [Tom] Get that cat outta here!
(Tom grunts)
- [Joel] What gives?
- [Crow] Oh.
- [Joel] What is it, girl?
Dad?
He's trapped?
Down in Dead Rock Canyon?
(door rattles)
- [Crow] Hey, you kids, get outta here!
- [Tom] Let's see, uh, where was I?
Oh, yeah, I was about to, uh,
oh, yeah.
Oh, oh, God, it's awful!
Oh, I got my finger! (grunts)
- [Crow] He's melting!
- [Joel] Never let 'em see you sweat.
- [Tom] Nope.
(cat screeches)
- [Tom] Whoa!
- [Crow] Hello Kitty!
- [Tom and Joel] Oh!
(Lewis screams)
- [Tom] Oh, remember him?
(Lewis gasping)
Uh-oh!
Uh, well,
I guess he won't try that again.
- [Crow] Cat got your tongue?
- [Joel] I'm Satan.
I did it and I'm proud!
(cat meows)
- [Tom] And they said
those cat guards wouldn't work.
- [Crow] Please don't haze.
I'm dead now.
Don't haze.
- [Joel] He's 22.
Yeah, about that.
- [Tom] Did you enjoy my little tale?
Good.
Kill him!
- Lewis B. Moffitt.
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
- I feared not. (chuckles)
- [Robots] Not!
- [Tom] (scoffs) That's rich!
- Yet fear dwells within all of us,
young and old alike.
- [Crow] But mostly old.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- Has terrifying fear
ever gripped your heart?
- [Joel] That's,
- [Joel] the Kraft tomb.
That's probably where Ed Herlihy's buried.
- [Tom] Uh-oh, geez.
We've been down this road.
- [Joel] It's that one thing.
Could somebody please open the gates?
- [Crow] Put the brake on.
- [Joel] I'll try to stop 'em!
(all shouting)
(Tom sighs)
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] Ninja!
- [Tom] Well, it looks
like callback time, guys!
Oh, yeah,
there he is.
Bob Dobson.
- [Joel] Oh and
drive safely!
Good night!
- [Crow] Sneaky.
(Crow burbles)
(robots shriek)
- [Crow] Let's get outta here!
It's freaky, man!
- [Tom] No, it's stupid, man!
(music crescendos)
(door creaks)
(fire crackles)
(door thuds)
(door whooshes)
(doors thud)
(door slams)
(door thuds)
- Okay guys.
It's the end of another movie.
All you gotta do
is tell me a good thing
and get a juicy RAM chip.
All right?
(Crow sighs)
- Oh, hold it, Joel!
This is unfair!
This film's a dog!
There isn't an uplifting
or good thing about it!
- He' right, Joel.
Now, for example,
did you see how degrading they were
to overweight people?
Now it's bad enough they
showed the two fatties
pounding malts in some desperate
shark-feeding frenzy,
and eating mountains.
But then they kept cutting
away to the skinny kids
laughing as the two tugboats
tried to tango on the dance floor!
RAM chip, please.
- Yeah, and, uh, while the other kids
made out in the bushes,
our hefty heroes were forced
to vacuum in a sandwich with RAM chips.
And in the very next scene they showed
them diving into a wheelbarrow
full of hot dogs!
And RAM chips.
- And it wasn't just
people, either, RAM chip!
The spooky guy from the beginning
purposely stepped on Puma the cat's tail.
I'd like my RAM chip now, please.
A crispy one.
- Yeah, and they weren't
using any stunt snake
when they, guy did the tap dance
on the rattler's head!
Uh, RAM chip now?
- And what about that car crash victim?
Onion RAM chip!
The only two people,
only two people show up at his wake.
And then the only point of the scene
was to show how our hero was really
a 'fraidy cat, RAM chip now!
- Yeah!
So they killed a character
just to advance the plot
and, oh, geez, Joel.
What was the deal?
Are all med students
so mean and frustrated
'cause they haven't gotten RAM chips?
Or just the ones that have
been in school 40 years
without RAM chips?
- [Joel] Well.
Cherry RAM chips.
- Listen you have to lighten up
because,
- [Crow] Cherry, cherry.
hey, cut it out!
Because I can think of
an obviously good thing.
Even though people made
fun of the heavy people,
they still loved each
other for who they were.
Now I need something positive
for you to get a RAM chip.
- There was tons of food for them to eat!
Like chocolate-y RAM chips!
- Yeah, and this movie provided work
for a bunch of senile old
codgers who eat RAM chips!
- Yeah, none of the
girls had to study late
or watch dead bodies getting cut up
or get a degree, RAM chip, please.
- And all the freshmen
were publicly humiliated
for everyone's enjoyment
by not getting RAM chips!
- You're still not giving me
the positive things I need.
- [Tom and Crow] Oh, hm.
- Well, at least that guy
didn't have to marry Resusci-Annie.
- Yeah, and thank goodness
the fat people were so stupid,
they didn't even realized they were
the brunt of everybody's RAM chip jokes.
- Yeah.
Well, it was a good thing
that those mean parents
locked up our hero
next to his dead grandad,
or there wouldn't be a movie,
or RAM chips.
- [Tom] That's right.
For anyone.
- Well, listen.
- [Tom] RAM chips.
- There's only one who gets the RAM chip.
And that's me.
- [Crow] What?
And I give it to Gypsy.
(robots shouting)
There you go, girl.
All right.
- Oh, now why, why?
- Well, because I'll tell you what.
The only good thing about the movie
was that it was really short!
- Hey!
- [Crow] Yeah.
- And we're done for the day!
- Yeah, we should get a letter.
(robots cheer)
Get one of those letters
to read might be--
- Hold it!
Don't touch that letter!
It just so happens
we've cooked up another cinematic RAM chip
for you to digest! (cackles)
The Phantom Creeps!
Part Three!
(all groan)
- But first,
a commercial.
(all wail)
("MST3K Theme")
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] Gee, it looks like an eye chart.
Doesn't it?
- [Tom] Yeah.
I don't think I'm ready for this.
Huh.
- [Crow] Hey, Willis Cooper!
That's Alice's dad, man!
- [Tom] No, he was killed in Vietnam.
- [Joel] No, he was Eddie Haskell.
- [Crow] Oh.
- [Joel] Hey, what kind of a Ford
do you think we'll have, you guys?
- [Tom] I think we'll have a Ford
- [All] Beebe!
- [Crow] Ford Beebe!
- [Joel] Beebe!
(Crow and Tom chant)
- [Joel] What kind of Saul do we have?
- [Tom] Oh, the good
kind of Saul. (chortles)
- [Crow] To be or not to be!
Blah, blah, blah!
That's the question!
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
- [Joel] Would you get
my agent on the phone?
I wanna direct!
- [Tom] And Madonna has a new look!
Come on, Vogue.
There's nothing to it!
Strike a pose!
- [Joel] Steven, did you think
Grandpa seemed funny this trip?
- [Crow] Punch it, Hale.
I wanna die with you!
- [Tom] Dumpy and frumpy!
(chuckles) A good one!
- [Joel] And, of course,
the boys in the back room.
- [Crow] Vandegrift Generator!
(Tom mumbles)
- [Joel] Dora Clementine!
- [Crow] Hugh Chet Huntley!
- [Tom] Anthony Averill Harriman.
- [Joel] Frank Mayo Brothers.
- [Crow] James Gnarly Farley.
- [Tom] Rosebud.
Rosebud, rosebud.
(grunts)
- [Joel] Trying to keep the credits down!
- [Crow] Well, foreword is forwarned.
Doctor Zorka, not a real doctor,
but believed to be dead,
attempts to prevent the authorities
from discovering
his scientific secrets,
the Helsinki formula,
by using a device which
makes him invisible,
a contract to appear on the
Comedy Channel. (laughs)
I guess I'm outta here.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Joel] Now, Doctor Mallory
will be represented by the oboe.
And when you hear the scary oboe sound,
stomp your feet and go, "Boo!"
(Tom moans)
- [Tom] Nancy's sister, Jean,
will look around.
- [Joel] Hey, what's this?
- [Crow] Get that frog outta here!
- [Joel] Hey!
Huh, somebody left a mint.
- [Tom] A welcome to the Embassy sweet.
- [Joel] Heh, let's see.
- [Tom] Take that.
(Tom mutters)
- [Crow] Checkin' the bush, boss!
- [Joel] A coin.
A car.
- [Crow] Joyride time!
- [Tom] Yeah!
(robots hoot and sing)
- [Crow] Eat my dust!
- [Joel] Hey,
it looks like an ear of corn!
(robots grunt)
Why, I think I heard
a floating ear of corn!
(stick thuds)
- [Tom] Oof.
- [Joel] Yup.
- [Tom] Ooh, that had to hurt.
Yeah, you know.
They're always repeating these things
on America's Funniest
Home Videos, aren't they?
- [Crow] Yeah.
- [Joel] Well.
(truck rumbles)
- [Robots] Goodbye!
- [Tom ] So long!
Feeder-zane!
Don't forget to write!
- [Joel] Don't forget
to throw the kitchen sinks!
- [Tom] Bye!
See you next fall!
- [Crow] Does that mean the date's over?
(Tom chuckles)
- [Tom] Well, that must be the part
they didn't show us there.
(explosion blasts)
- [All] Oh!
- [Tom] Nice tag!
- [Joel] I'm gonna try that, too!
I'm going to join him
in death!
- [Crow] Okay.
- [Crow] You just go really fast and--
- [Tom] Go for it!
Oh!
Oh, yeah, he's okay.
- [Joel] Always clownin' around.
- [Tom] Come on.
Get in, dummy!
(woman calls out)
(sighs) I'm sorry, Mom.
I'll take out the garbage next week!
I'm sorry!
(frogs croak)
- There's something over in those bushes!
- [Tom] It's a frog.
- [Man] Keep down.
- [Joel] Invisible frog.
- Did you see the driver of that car?
(gunshot blasts)
- [Tom] Oh, good, Bob.
You killed a Sequoia.
- Whatever it is.
- [Joel] I bet he misses you, too!
- Let's get to your car!
- [Tom] Yeah, it's better than mine.
- That's one, shoot it!
- [Tom] The itsy bitsy, whoa?
- Shoes don't lie.
That's one of Zorka's mechanical devices!
- [Joel] Say!
- But it's poisonous!
- What are you going to do?
- Try and catch it
to take it to Mallory for analysis.
(explosion blasts)
- [Crow] Oh, he used a smoking jacket!
- It's not like our hard-boiled
chief for a girl to faint!
- I'm not a girl.
- [Joel] No I'm soft-boiled.
- [Crow] She's poached.
- [Joel] I thought I'd
never get out of this field.
'Scuse me!
(whistling)
That's Uncle Joe.
He's moving kinda slow.
- [Tom] He has stylee-tick-thus!
(Joel singing)
(engine revs)
- [Crow] Please!
At least let me get the tie rod in!
(motor roars and wind whips)
- [Tom] Next week, I go
to the ladies' locker room
at the YWCA!
(ominous music)
- [Joel] They say I make a better door
than a window!
(Tom laughs)
Now I kill something for no reason.
- Don't worry, I will.
I have a hunch one of those
got to Jim Daly.
- [Tom] Oh, that's why
he's doing show tunes
all the time.
(dramatic music)
- It's gone!
- [Crow] Make sure you get
a dry cleaning receipt!
- Where'd it go?
- I don't know.
I wish I knew where it came from.
- [Tom] You folks know?
- That may be Mallory now!
- [Joel] No, it's the copper top.
(Tom sings)
- It is Mallory!
Two of my men!
- [Crow] Two of my good strong men!
- [Tom] Yes!
- You all right, Bob?
- [Tom] Yeah, but my coat's wrecked.
- They arrived just in time!
Parker, check that car for ownership.
If there's enough left of it.
- [Joel] Yeah, it's registered
under the name Beelzebub.
- Miss Drew would like to go, too.
She'll take you back in her car,
won't you?
- But!
- A lot of this case has
to be kept off the record.
- [Crow] Yeah, but it'll fit on the CD
on the extra bonus track.
- It's like we've left
something behind us,
even worse than dynamite!
- [Joel] This film?
- Someone evidently got hold of it.
The wrong kind of publicity will hurt him.
- All right.
I'll be careful what I phone the paper.
- That's swell.
I knew I could count on you.
Check with me and Mallory tomorrow.
- [Jean] Thanks, I will.
- What's the matter with your coat?
- One of the Doctor's mechanical spiders
disappeared under it.
I don't dare put it on.
- Why, how'd it get out here?
- I wish you'd tell me.
I chased that car from Zorka
and the driver got away.
- [Crow] Try not to talk so fast!
- I'll look around for him--
- [Tom] A bunch of auctioneers.
- No, it's too late.
He's probably miles away from here by now.
Let's get back to Zorka's!
- There's an extra mac in the car here!
- [Joel] Oh, great, I'm famished!
(car rumbles)
- [Tom] Hey, hey, where'd
you learn how to drive?
Those shocks are terrible!
(doors slam)
- It's Monk!
- [Joel] One of the jazz murders!
- This is a break!
The chief wants him!
Let's see if we can bring him, too.
(energetic music)
Listen, Monk,
with Zorka dead, you're in a tough spot!
Now why don't you join up with our crowd
and tell us what's become
of Zorka's farmhouse!
(Tom mutters)
- What makes you think I
know anything about it?
- [Tom] Well, I oughta pop you!
- [Joel] How would you
like a knuckle sandwich,
Mister Frank Mayo?
(men mumble)
- [Bob] Quit stalling!
You know what we're talking about!
- I can't even guess!
(Tom chuckles)
- All right.
We'll take him along and work him over.
- [Joel] Great!
I've been wanting to drop some pounds!
- [Tom] Oh!
Liston is down, Liston is down!
Cassius Clay is the new world champion!
(dramatic music)
- Get in the car quick!
Come on, you guys!
- [Crow] Ghost car to the rescue!
- [Tom] Yay!
- [Crow] Oh, look, no jackrabbit starts!
Oh! (grunts)
- [Tom] Right.
Drive along this river junction!
Take a left at the cyclorama!
- They've taken their prisoner with them!
- Where do you suppose they are?
- Well, we're gonna find out!
- [Crow] That's not what I asked!
(car whooshes)
Whoa!
♫ The Getaway Chase Game
♫ Getaway ♫
- [Crow] Gotta getaway, gotta getaway!
- [Tom] We don't know who it is.
Let's just shoot all the tires
and let God sort it out.
- [Joel] Let God patch it.
- [Crow] What!
Oh, guy!
You gotta know how to ease down!
This is a big car!
Come on!
- [Joel] I woulda put on my belt,
but they hadn't been invented yet, boss!
(car whooshes)
- [Tom] Coast Guard to the rescue.
Oh, let's have a picnic!
Come on!
Ooh!
Come here, you!
I love you, you're mine! (giggles)
Quit tickling.
- [Joel] Hey!
Cut it out! (giggles)
- [Crow] Yeah, eat it, boy, eat it!
Die, boy, die!
Eat it, swallow it!
- [Joel] No don't drool on me!
(hocks spit)
- [Tom] He's gonna snag on ya.
He's gonna snag on you!
(muffled shouting)
- Now, who are ya?
What were you doing at Zorka's house?
- [Joel] Um, uh.
Come on, talk up!
- Well, I--
- [Joel] I, uh, uh...
(gunshot blasts)
- [Tom] Oh!
I guess they didn't want
him to spill the beans, huh?
- [Joel] He's always stunned.
- [Crow] How come they,
- [Crow] Joel, how come
they kill all these people,
but the credits don't get any shorter?
(gunshots blasting)
- [Tom] Have you noticed all
these guys look the same?
How do they know who they're shooting at?
- [Crow] Okay, you proved your point.
- [Tom] Yup.
- Shall I go get 'em?
- No, it's too late.
We got one of 'em anyway.
You've been very good!
- [Joel] No, he's our guy.
- They fixed this one so he won't talk.
- Sure is good shootin'
for this kinda light.
- [Tom] Yeah, I gotta admire him.
- Are you men all right?
- Sure thing!
- [Joel] We got him!
- We're trying to print
some measurements--
- [Crow] It's kinda light.
- [Joel] I'd like to shake his hand!
- I'll get the equipment out of the car.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- We gotta find out all about this gang.
Who they are
and what they're doing in this business.
- [Tom] Why do they shoot
each other all the time?
- Those men are who Zorka
is selling his formula to.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
- [Joel] That guy's right!
He really does have a flat butt, boss!
- [Tom] Hm, nice watch.
(buttons beep)
(Tom grunts)
- So, you were going to sell me out
to (mumbles), were you?
- [Tom] No, boss!
I love you!
I swear!
Oh, you're kidding!
That's a... (chuckles).
(Monk mutters)
- Of course.
You wouldn't dare to betray me.
The police still want you, Monk!
They don't want me!
- [Joel] Mong?
- They think I'm dead!
- [Joel] You are.
- Now the government and the spy
are both determined to steal my secret!
It is necessary to share a very vital
secret knowledge with you!
- [Crow] I like to wear the mittens!
- The hiding place of the
source of all my power.
- [Monk] The source!
- [Tom] Cool, let me at it!
- [Crow] Wow.
Hey, is that where you make
those great baked beans?
- [Tom] Whistleberries you
must never taste! (chuckles)
Uh, boss, I'm fine, really.
Uh,
I checked myself at home in the shower.
You don't have to, uh, oh. (sighs)
- [Crow] That was close.
- [Tom] Yeah.
It's called the Rubics cube!
Don't screw it up!
There is power enough to seize
or destroy the world!
And only I,
I know how to release
and control it!
- [Joel] No brag,
just fact.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Hey!
Shooters!
All right!
The source of all your power.
It's Cuervo!
Woo!
- [Crow] (clicks tongue)
I'm gonna need a lime, boss.
My gag reflexes is right at the surface.
(Zorka mutters)
- Which would be fatal to open it!
- [Joel] And you could keep drink.
Make it ahead of time!
Keep it in the freezer!
Makes bump-ups, too!
- [Tom] It's a nice bouquet!
Good legs!
It's a real smoky single malt! (slurps)
Slunge!
- [Joel] Finish it!
("MST3K Theme")
- Bring her closer!
(upbeat music)
Reacts to her, definitely!
Or to something she's carrying!
- [Tom] Squeeze her gently.
- Oh, so it's just a hold-up!
- [Crow] I'll give you five dollars
if you have a hard-boiled
egg in your purse!
- One of Zorka's disks!
Where'd you get it?
- At Doctor Zorka's house.
Under a withered plant.
- [Crow] His wife?
- Yes, I remember.
(Tom chuckles)
I meant to take it.
- That's the thing it reacts to!
- And that's the clue for our antidote!
- [Joel] And that's the thing that we,
hey wait!
- [Tom] Oh,
hey, you gettin' a good draw
off of that thing? (sucking)
(dramatic music)
- [Crow] He's ours!
We're gonna have to brand him!
You hold him down, Hoss!
Little Joe,
keep those thing, get,
make it hot!
(men chatting)
- Getting stronger with every beat!
(speaking French and Italian)
- We're lucky last night
that we got one of you!
It's unfortunate the G-Men are on this!
- Well, they are in on it, Chief.
We gotta act quick
if we expect to beat
them to Zorka's secret!
Wherever it is.
- Do you think Monk's go it?
- [Tom] Oh, sure.
He wrote around midnight, didn't he?
- Strange.
Almost as if he was
under a hypnotic spell.
- [Crow] You now,
I like this hypnotic spell bit!
- Perhaps he is!
Has it ever occurred to you
that Zorka might be alive?
- No, what do you mean?
- [Tom] I mean, Zorka might be alive!
- He has done some remarkable things.
He's never quite right to me either.
That he should die in
an ordinary accident.
- [Joel] I'd always imagined him
doing something real splashy!
- Bring him to me!
Perhaps the sight of money
will loosen his tongue!
- [Tom] Hey!
- I know some other ways, too!
- [Crow] Like beating him over the head
with hedge shears!
- Our leader is expecting us
to get control of this great secret!
With it, we can conquer the world!
- [Tom] Then we start thinking big.
(urgent music)
- [Joel] Mayberry!
My favorite town!
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
Here he goes!
(Joel squeaks)
String in the door.
I saw it.
Cheap.
- You passed out 'cause you had the disks
we'd planted on Ann Zorka.
- Who'd wanna destroy her?
- [Tom] Oh, I would!
- [Crow] Me too!
- Can I take this along
to Zorka's laboratory?
It might lead to something.
- Certainly!
I'll assemble and analysis
of what is on that disk.
It might lead directly to Zorka's secret!
- [Crow] Oh, don't get up!
- Come on.
- [Tom] Lazy.
- [Crow] There he doesn' go.
- [Tom] Oh-ho, fun!
- (mumbles) the Zorka disks.
- I hope you get get
enough other information
so that we can crack this case wide open!
- Yeah, before it cracks us!
(Joel and robots laughing)
- [Tom] So, with grenadine,
or without, my dear?
(mixture bubbling)
- Now if I can just get this formula
properly recorded--
- [Tom] I can get a
contract with Dave Getham!
Oh, wait a minute.
He casts a shadow?
(mixture bubbling)
- [Joel] Now, would you prefer
a Long Island Iced Tea?
- [Tom] Did he have a hairnet on?
With casting.
(container clatters and explodes)
- [Tom] Ooh!
- [Crow] Clumsy oaf!
(doctor coughing)
- [Perkins] What's the
matter Doctor Mallory?
(Mallory coughs and mumbles)
- [Crow] I'm having chest pains!
(chattering)
- [Joel] First word
sounds like--
- [Tom] His doin' his Joe Cocker there!
(dramatic music)
Oh, he's wearing a hairnet.
- [Crow] Hey, that's the closet!
- [Tom] Dummy!
- [Crow] That's his Annie.
- [Joel] Hey, has he been hitting you?
- [Tom] Nice watch.
(machine beeps)
Hey, whoa!
This is neat!
Huh, what are you doin' Saturday?
Uh, I'm movin' into a new place.
Okay, now drop and give me 20! (chuckles)
- [Crow] Cool, a robot.
Mm-hm.
Uh, right face!
- [Joel] Don't smoke.
Please don't smoke.
I'm dead now.
- [Tom] Don't smoke.
- [Joel] Now I'll try to remember
to get out real slow.
We're trying to pad the film here.
- Hey,
why do we always have to get here
just as the sun is setting?
- [Tom] Oh.
- Those long shadows
get on your nerves, hey, Jim?
- I hope to tell you, around this place.
- Uh, let's see what this can find for us.
- [Tom] It's a Boy Scout compass.
- [Bob] The chopper's fired.
- [Crow] A Boy Scout?
- [Joel] I'm going to take the little nip!
- [Tom] Mm-hm.
(Joel slurps)
- [Crow] Yeah, not even chauffers
can resist the rich
taste of ultimate power!
- [Tom] Dear John,
I have to tell you,
what I have to tell you is--
- [Joel] Oh, never mind.
(papers rustle)
- He's almost jumped out the dial here.
Must be another disk around close.
(dramatic music)
- [Joel] I'm gonna take this cube
and I'm gonna sell it myself.
I've seen its power,
and you know it's not that good.
- [Tom] Yeah, that's right.
- [Crow] And I'll see you later!
- [Joel] Oil can!
- [Tom] Don't smoke!
Please.
Eh, these Game Boys are great.
I got Centipede!
- Yeah, it's strong here.
(door creaks)
- [Crow] I love that old thing! (chuckles)
- [Tom] Oh.
- Now it's stronger.
This way, Jim.
- [Joel] Oh, terrific,
I got the source of ultimate power,
and I'm trapped like a rat!
- [Tom] Uh, landlord!
- [Joel] I'm doing the dishes!
- [Tom] I just wanna show the apartment.
Is that okay?
- [Crow] Hello?
- [Joel] Hello, pest control.
- [Tom] Hello!
- [Joel] We're spraying today!
Hello?
- Not so strong here.
(music crescendos)
- [Crow] Hm, plot gets weaker over here.
- Now it's stronger!
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Joel] Funny.
- [Tom] Maybe I'll just sneak by here,
if you don't mind.
- [Both] Hey!
- [Crow] Hey!
- [Tom] What do you mean hey?
- Who is this mutt?
- [Crow] He came with you.
What are you askin' me for?
(detective mutters)
- He may be one of the spies!
(explosion blasts)
- [Tom] Oh!
- What's the matter?
What was that?
- [Crow] What, what?
- [Tom] I didn't do that.
- [Crow] He who smelt it dealt it.
- It slipped right from my hand.
And when it touched that box,
it went right up in smoke!
- [Joel] Sure.
- There's something pretty hot in there!
- Don't open that!
- Aw, we need Doctor Mallory to open it!
- [Tom] Yeah, I oughta.
- Well, we'll take him
to headquarters, first.
- [Tom] Yeah, Paul Nunca!
Big old, uh.
(car whooshes)
That's what you get
for wanting to rule the world, buddy!
- I can't open this thing!
- [Joel] Oh, crap, he's
gonna open that thing!
I gotta get a plan!
- [Jim] What's the matter, Bob?
Can't you make it?
(Bob mutters)
Maybe it's just as well,
after what happened with at meometer.
- [Tom] Yeah, you're probably right.
Hey, let's climb around
on something we can't possibly understand!
- Hey, Bob!
What's the matter with this car?
The engine stopped running!
- [Joel] Well, let's hope the
rear projection holds out!
(Tom murmurs)
(electricity buzzes)
- [Tom] Whoa!
- [Crow] Shocking, wow!
- [Tom] Yup.
- [Joel] Hey, neat!
(men shout)
It's blowin' up power lines!
Open up another one, Bob!
- [Crow] Cool!
- Hey, keep it rolling!
(dramatic music)
(explosion blasts)
- [Tom] Whoa-oh.
- [Crow] Zorka must be
a power line protester.
- [Tom] So, I'll just get out here, okay?
Yeah, don't bother stop
and account for me.
(all shouting)
(electricity buzzes)
(towers crash)
And guess what time it is?
- [Joel] Oh, we better get out of here.
- [Tom] It's time to split.
Come on, let's go!
- [Crow] Well, thanks for comin'!
Good night!
You've been a wonderful audience!
The Phantom Creep audiences
are the greatest audiences in the whoa!
(dramatic music crescendos)
(door thuds)
(door creaks)
(fire crackles)
(door whooshes)
(door whirs)
(doors thud)
(door slams)
(door thuds)
- Man, that was such an ordeal!
What a cool trick,
making us watch a whole other movie again!
- Yeah, with each episode,
that Phantom Creeps
gets more and more ridiculous!
- Yeah, I know!
Who did that chauffeur think he was?
Thinking he could rule the world!
- Yeah.
- Hey, it wasn't my fault
that we showed The
Phantom Creep at the end!
It's Doctor Forrester who calls
all the shots around here!
If you ask me, that
chauffeur had the right idea.
As a matter of fact,
I've prepared a little number!
(piano music)
♫ If chauffeurs ruled the world
♫ It's what I'd like to see
♫ 'Cause everyone in the world
♫ Would take a back seat to me
♫ I wouldn't have to drive
♫ I wouldn't have to steer
♫ 'Cause all would bow down before me
♫ In total abject fear ♫
- All the gorgeous dames
would worship at my feet!
Why, I could have any one of them I want!
Even Meryl Streep!
♫ I'd have complete respect
♫ Of everyone on the planet
♫ Including intellectuals
♫ Even David Mamet
(soft percussive music)
♫ Tell me, why do I have to take
♫ Orders from this guy
♫ I'd like to drop him in
a bucket of boiling grease
♫ And watch him slowly die ♫
- That's enough, Frank!
♫ If chauffeurs ruled the world ♫
- That's enough, Frank!
Frank!
♫ It's what I
(screams)
♫ To see
♫ 'Cause everyone in the world. ♫
- That's enough!
♫ Would take a back seat to me, mommy ♫
- That's enough, Frank!
(paper rustles)
- [All] We think your song is fabulous!
♫ If shelvers ruled the world (sniffles)
♫ It's what I'd like to see (sobs)
♫ But I guess some other
palooka will rule the world
(snorts)
♫ No, not me ♫
- Push the button Judy Garland!
(Frank sobs)
Push the button, Frank!
- You think the Ace Awards
people are watching right now?
- Oh, for crying out loud!
(button clicks)
(soft piano music)
("Mighty Science Theater")