Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 3, Episode 5 - Rocket Attack U.S.A. - full transcript

* In the not-too-distant
future--next Sunday, A.D.-- *

* There was a guy named Joel

* Not too different
from you or me *

* He worked
at Gizmonic Institute *

* Just another face
in a red jumpsuit *

* He did a good job cleaning up
the place *

* But his bosses
didn't like him *

* So they shot him into space

* We'll send him cheesy movies

* The worst we can find

* La-la-la

* He'll have to sit
and watch them all *

* Then we'll monitor his mind

* Now keep in mind
Joel can't control *

* When the movies begin or end

* Because he used
those special parts *

* To make his robot friends

* Robot roll-call--

* Cambot

* Gypsy

* Tom Servo

* Crow

* If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes *

* And other science facts

- * La-la-la
- * Then repeat to yourself

* "It's just a show,
I should really just relax *

* For Mystery Science
Theater 3000." *

- Ow. Ow.
- There. All done, okay.

Hi, everybody.
I'm just giving Tom Servo

the equivalent
of a robot haircut.

You're next. Have a seat.
Just kidding.

- 30 seconds to commercial sign.

- What do you think, Tom?

- Hey, very sporty!

- Hey, you kind of look like
that guy from House Party.

I think that's kind of neat.

- Joel.
- There you are, Crow.

- Great. Now to keep it
looking good,

you're going to need some
of these accoutrements.

There's the styling gel.

There's the styling gel
activator rub.

That comes
after the styling gel.

There's the vapor mist hood.

That comes after the styling
mist activator gel.

- Or before I need styling.
- Right. And then there's

the pre-shampoo--
No, this is the shampoo.

- Commercial sign in five,
four, three, two--

- Commercial sign now.
- We'll be right back.

- You know, teasing plastic
takes protein out.

Using polycarbon 21 religiously.
We'll be right back.

- Oh, you're back. Boy.

Step down, grab a lollipop.
Good job there.

I guess it's time
for the invention exchange,

if I'm not mistaken.

- Look, I'll say when it is
and when it is not time

for the invention exchange.

And I say that it is time
for the invention exchange.

Isn't that right, Frank?

- Duck was playing like that.

- Look, our invention is rather
complex this week, Joel.

So why don't you go first.

- Well, I was going to show you

the Mexican Jumping
Bean Bag Chair this week.

It was really great
for rearranging the house.

Excellent for the elderly
circulation.

And if the vinyl ripped,
it would cover itself

in a tangy cheese sauce.
But again, Gypsy ate it.

- She's got Montezuma's revenge
like you wouldn't believe.

- It's too bad.
So I had to pull this one out.

It's not really done.

But I think the concept's
kinda neat.

You know,
preparing taxes on Earth

is a really stressful time
for everybody involved,

especially the person
who has to prepare your taxes.

So I invented
this adding machine

that actually
when it prints out,

it prints out in these kind of
candies that are on paper.

See, that way you can eat
your losses if things go bad.

My favorite flavor is--
In the Red.

- Yeah, turns a bean counter
into a jellybean counter,

you might say.

- Well, those are great.
I love them.

You know what I really liked,
were those wax whistles

that you'd get at Halloween

and those little yellow
candy corn things.

Sometimes I'd just
stick them up my nose.

- Look, no one is interested
in your little trip

down memory lane.

- Well, Joel Franklin would be.

- And no one is interested in
some candy adding machine.

- Well, actually the ribbon
was the candy part.

- Would you please tell
Joel and the bots

about our new invention?

- Okay. Well, Joel,
if you're like me,

when I think of the '70s,
I think of one thing.

Foosball! Whoo!

So what we've done is we've
taken the whole foosball concept

and we've caulked this,
added water.

And we've turned it into
water polo. Whoo!

- That's right. To provide hours
of aquatic terror.

Get that, Frank.

With shark attacks,
boat accidents--

- I am going to kill you.

- Just like the kind of terror
you're going to see

in this film this week, Joel.

The Phantom Creeps
with Bela Lugosi.

- And then after that,
our main feature is called

Rocket Attack U.S.A.

It's the feel good film
of the Cold War era.

A triumph of the human spirit.
But now I'm going to kill you.

- I have you now!
- Die. Die!

- I just scored on you!

- Aah!

- Endure the film, Joel.
- I will kill you!

[Alarm sounding, screaming]

- Whoa. Did you see
that foosball thing they did?

- Cool.

- Now is creeps a verb
or a noun in this?

- I think it's a French pancake.

Spotlight dance
on the phantom creep.

Hey, Basel Dick
and Mildred Barish.

I've had that before.

Shopper always leaves you
laughing, ha ha ha ha ha.

- Ford Beebe!
- Ford Beebe!

- What kind of guy?
Oh, it's the good kind. Okay.

- It's a view out of the window
of an HO train there.

- [Imitates Lugosi]
This is my skull.

Stick around an found out
how that could've happen.

I was going to use this skull,
but I welded a phone to it.

Wasn't that puckish of me?

- [Imitates Lugosi]
Nothing's wrong with her skull

that $100 wouldn't fix.

These two, don't get me started.

I just fused their pelvises
together. Oh, boy.

- [Imitates Lugosi] This was
my most fiendish experiment.

I connected these two
by the frame. Very expensive.

- [Imitates Lugosi]
This is my mailing list.

If you're interested,
I'm selling it.

Notice the perfect demographic.

Now back to my HO train--
the Transylvania Choo-Choo.

Pardon me, boy.

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
a stately pleasure dome decree.

- Forward, I get that's
how you're supposed to read it.

- Mallory?
- Yes, Alex?

- You guys still sure that Lucas
was the first one to do this?

- And so Peter saw the wolf
coming through the woods

followed by an oboe.

- Wait. Who's Jim Daly?
Back that up, will you?

- Gene Gene the dancing machine?

- Art Art--
well, you know the rest--

- This wasn't in my bag
when I left the house.

- Oh, a klepto, eh?

- That's the same kind of disc
that was found under the plant.

- The one the slider went to.

- Eh, shut up, Grandma,
and eat your peanuts.

- Will you, Jim? I want to turn
it back to the department.

- Are you sure
you didn't find it and take--

- I hope God is his co-pilot.
- Why of course I didn't.

- From where the car was found,

have you any idea of where
Dr. Zorka was going?

- None whatever. Aah!
- Oh!

Now how do you feel about
spontaneous human combustion?

- Sorry I blew up like that.

- That can't be healthy.
- Uh-uh.

- The controls are out of order.
- Plot's out of order?

- Bail out?
I'm not dressed for it.

- What are you doing here?

- I didn't think you'd mind
if I took the last parachute.

You're a dear, thanks.

- Oh, shoots!
- Oh, Professor Firefly,

- it's not my size.
- Stop, drop, and roll.

- Yee-hoo.

Yee-hoo.

- Whoa. Whoa.

- And that's why I'll never fly.
- I got you.

- I can see my house from here.

- Flaming Goose down.

- Mr. Zorka.
- Sucker?

She got on the plane,
didn't she? Man.

- Hey, try and move her spine
around as much as possible.

- Weird idea of foreplay,
but when in Rome.

- Wow, I'm gonna get my another
one. This is my lucky day.

- [Imitating barking]

- [Imitates Lugosi]
How fortunate,

this will simplify everything.

- Cathy Rigby is Peter Pan.

- Anything you say, Boss.
- Oh, I can see the strings.

Look at that.

- Hmm. Fresh, delish,
tree-ripened girls.

- [Imitates Lugosi]
She's wearing easy spirit

shoes for jumping.

- Just think of her as a pinata.

- Hey, watch the hands.
Come on, hey! Ouch.

That does hurt. Ooh.

- Who was in it?
- Was a government plane.

Two men and another woman.
- And a baby.

- I'm a reporter.
I have to get to that wreck.

- Come on.

- I'm a doctor.
I will take you there.

- We sure do have
a lot of adventures, Boss.

Luckily, the policemen's picnic
was just over the hill.

- Hey, did you guys hear the one
about the traveling salesman.

- Okay, buddy, there's
an ambulance on the way.

- But I feel fine.

- Thanks for buying
those raffle tickets.

Let's slack off for some donuts.

- I want to get my pen
out of this guy's throat.

I need it back.

- Wait a minute.
- I'm a physician.

- Yeah, Klaus Von Bulo.

- [Imitates Lugosi] Oh,
this simplifies everything.

And to think I was going
to identify her. What a hoot.

She is dead. How unfortunate.
Oh, the irony.

Wait. Wait a minute.
I'm kissing my own hand.

- Hey, I got dibs, fella.

- Well, that's that.

- [Imitates Lugosi]
He's got gum. How fortunate.

- Capt. West,
my people would like

an official statement from you.

- Get bent. Is that official
enough for you?

- ...following you
to get a story.

- What do you make of him,
Doctor?

- [Imitates Lugosi] Well,
I could make a crown roast

with ribs all right.

- The man seemed to be
in a coma.

- He watched the first reel
of the film.

- The ambulance is coming.
Take this girl away.

- Come on, lady.

- Capt. West,
I want another connection

between this plane crash
and Dr. Zorka's death.

- And unless you tell me.
- All right, arrest her.

- Leave go of me.
- You mean "let go."

- You can't arrest me
without a charge.

- She was stowing away
in a government plane.

- And bad syntax.

- And I'll tell you another
thing too--Hey, wait a minute.

And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver.
Heh heh.

- A thorough examination
of your file...

- And your colon.

- ...convinces me that he is in
a state of suspended animation.

However, I've made arrangements
to have him brought here

- for further observation.
- Of his colon.

- I've been wondering, Doctor...

- Looks like the coffee's done.

- His spine was in perfect shape
when I examined him.

- ...plane has disappeared.

- But you saw no spiders.
And Dr. Zorka is dead.

- Yes,
but his secrets aren't dead.

- But his colon is.
- ...sold his formula

to those foreign agents
who were after him.

- That still wouldn't explain
the presence

of the element on the plane.

- Or my presence in this film.

- ...and Mrs. Zorka
and yourself aboard.

- As it happens,
there was someone else aboard.

- Or just a colon.
Mystery guest, sign in please.

- Kitty Carlisle.

- Dr. Mallory.
- How do you do?

- The doctor and I
are old friends.

- Oh, so that's how it is.
- Did you check my credentials?

- Yes.
- Satisfied?

- No. We have reason to believe

that something was smuggled
aboard that plane.

- We'll have to do
a cavity search of the plane.

- ...you can't print anything
except what I tell you.

Is that clear?

- Oh, a police state.
- You win. Sure.

- The airplane crash
was a sequel

to the violent death
of Dr. Zorka.

- Staring George Kennedy.

- Paris this year sets news
print, news print, news print.

Yards of it.

- Hmm. Zack Norman is Sammy
in Chief Zaboo.

What do you make of that?

- Extra, extra. Fire hydrant
attacked by newspaper.

- It's rare that a human
interest story makes it

on the front page like this.

- Coincidence? Read the book.
- Okay, we read this.

- Extra! Extra!
- Extra?

Hey, Boss,
says here you're dead.

- [As Lugosi] Rumors of my death
are greatly exaggerated.

Oh, jumbo. Oh, I love it. Heh.

You did the crosswords,
you fool.

And look, Tom and Roseanne beat
me out in the press again.

- She's really dead.

- You knew that, Doctor.
You saw her.

- Mallory.

And all the so-called scientists
who drove me into hiding,

they are responsible
for her death.

They shall pay.

- That's my boss. Always going
on about his life of danger.

But look who does
all the driving.

We'll be right back.

- Meanwhile, in Frank Lloyd
Wright building nearby.

- Send this message in code

to all out allied foreign
operators.

- Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!

- As disguise
for our spying operations...

- Bungee jumping--
sport of fools.

- Hey, whoa! Ah.

- Whoa. Wait a minute.

- Oh, they got a little montage!
Go!

- Aah!

- Well, did you get
Zorka's formula?

- Yes, it was juice, toast,
milk, and Trix.

- You've got to get in
or find Zorka's assistant monk.

I'm about to broadcast
a recording

to our friends in Europe,
informing them of Zorka's death.

All right, I'll go myself.
I'll assemble the men tonight.

We may be able to slip past
the guards.

- Think I could have
some lunch money?

- Get back to your letter,
you wiener.

I'll be in my office.
Oh, I don't have one.

See you later, not.

- Kill him.

- I'm about to broadcast
exercise 47

with code interruptions.

- All right, begin.

- Well, the old clock
on the wall

says it's time
for the Longene Symphonette.

[Telegraph taps]

- ...was...killed...in...
automobile accident.

- Yes, it's Flipper McGee
and Molly

and international Morse code.

- Don't open that closet.

- Inform his majesty at once.

- That for Jim?
- It's for me.

- No.
But it may well revive him.

- It'll sure hurt him.

- This is an antidote
that I prepared in anticipation

of such an event as this.

- It's an amusing little
anecdote.

- This is the first opportunity
I've had to test the antidote.

- Usually I just get
the puppy drunk.

- I will never love again.

- No, something is missing.
Some essential ingredient

that I've failed to hit upon.

- How do you suppose to find it?

- Make another search
of Zorka's laboratory.

- And this time wear clothing.

- ...someone else
beats us to it.

- Oh, like everybody else
in the world is gonna be there.

- Meanwhile
at the Addams' house.

- Is that Raul Julia?

- Did you hear anything yet,
Mack?

- No.
- Nah!

- The place is guarded.

I can't reach
the secret entrance.

[Animal noises]

- It's Wheeler and Woolsey.
- What's that?

- We have a guest.

- Would you put your hands down?

- What about the bullets?

- That's my boss, always getting
us into kooky situations.

But I'll be back later.

- You think you got problems?
My bladder's the size of a--

Oh, I'll take a picture of you.
And then I'll...

I quit developing.

- Still shaking the bushes,
Boss.

- Halt!

- [Imitates Elmer Fudd]
Be very quiet.

I'm hunting sidekwicks.

- All right, come on.
Back to the house.

Ugh.

- Does this mean we're not going
back to the house?

- You had me worried, Boss.
That was too close for comfort.

- Would you please turn off
The Little Rascals music?

[Whistle blows]

- What's wrong?

- I stopped a guy that
was prowling around here.

And then something hit me
from behind, and he got away.

- I love that story.
Now let's get moving.

- Better not tell Capt. West
that kind of a yarn.

- I told you there's something
queer about this place.

- It's Oscar Wilde's birthplace,
so what?

- Draw the curtains.
- What color?

- Set the sound detector.

- Hey, it looks like
a Heathkit electric chair.

You don't see those very often.

- Move all the spiders
and discs.

- [Imitates Lugosi]
Disc is disc.

- ...Mallory searches
this place again

Mallory came into possession
of those discs.

- Be careful with my magic show.

- [Imitates Lugosi]
And turn on the thermostat.

It's freezing looking at
my bug collection.

- And antidote from this?

He must be pretty good.

- In science he was second
only to myself.

- Why not put one
of your spiders after him?

- Oh, that's it.
I've had it with you, fat boy.

- His time has not yet come.

- Creepy crawlers.
Creepy crawlers.

Creepy crawlers.
Creepy crawlers.

- Tails.
- How can you tell?

- Look out!

- Oh, man!
- Whoops. Excuse me.

Uh, that's
Mr. Idiot to you, Boss.

- One of my little pets
mistake you?

- Gee, next time take
the rest of my head off.

- I'm ready for my mystery date.

- I'm all ready.

Get the rope
and go for the door.

- [Imitates Lugosi]
Okay, wait a minute.

I give the orders around here.

- Hello, Daddy.

I was really scared.

I dreamed there was a little kid
in my closet with ookie.

- I'm no horticulturalist.
But I think these need water.

- Huh?

- What's this?
A dark communion wafer?

- Lame.

- Well...

- [Imitates Lugosi]
He's no good for light dusting.

But on heavy jobs,
he's just wonderful.

- There's someone in the house.

- Ooh, babe alert.
Hot Madonna babe alert.

- Uh, there. That's just
to show you I can do it.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's my line.

I'm still working on my block.
Excuse me.

Want to see my Cagney?

- [Mumbles]

- What?
- Huh?

- Uh, check your coat, sir?

- He's a robot.

- [Mumbles]

- Hmm. 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Doesn't look scary to me.

- Any trouble, Mack?
- Yes, sir.

- Mr. Paller, sir,
we drove him off.

- I must not show my power
until I'm ready to strike.

- [Imitates Lugosi]
We'll take it on the road--

New Haven. Boston. Springfield.

- You know, for a robot
he's got a really flat butt.

- See what's out there.

- All right, Captain,
as long as we didn't get inside.

- Well, I got to third
if that counts for anything.

- The secret entrance. Let's go.

- Did you forget the gun?

- Oh, yeah.

Uh, phone company.
Pizza delivery.

Gas company.

- Secret entrance. That looks
like a front door to me.

Landlord, Mr. Zorka.

- Ew.

- Aah!

- Sounds like Bill.
- Aah!

- Bill, we're coming, boy!

- Shoot the spider.

- Oh, be proud.
He shot a spider.

Thank you, John Goodman.

- I'll not be taken.
I'll shoot my way out the front.

- You fool!
- Ah, that'd be me, Mr. Fool.

- Hold it!
- Oh, a Milwaukee cop, huh?

- Aah!
- * Roller coaster of love

- Aah!

- Boy.

- I wonder if being invisible
stops bullets.

- [Imitates Lugosi]
Now that I'm invisible,

I'll secretly switch their
coffee with Folger's crystals.

- Stay en guarde.

[Gunfire]
- Run, run, run!

- Stagger!

- My boss always rigging things

so I'm the clown
that takes the bullets.

- Is he dead?
- No, just stunned.

- Stunned? He took six bullets.

[Engine roars]

- It's Christine.
- Christine!

- Here it goes.

- My car's back there
in the trees.

- How'd it get in the trees?

- He's going to get a DWI--
driving while invisible. Ha ha.

- 1928 Porter.
That's my mother dear.

- Doesn't she help us
through everything.

- I'm so glad she's here.
- Please.

- Hey, guys.
I think that's James Dean there.

Over the side. Over the side.

- [Imitates Lugosi]
Ha ha. Can't touch this.

[Chuckles]

- Meanwhile in another
part of the world

thousands of miles away.

- There it is!

- Not.

- Get it.

- [Imitates Lugosi]
Casper, the friendly ghost.

This is great. I can pick
my nose and sing to the radio,

and nobody will see me.

- Now we thought it would be
funny to place a rock

under the tire of the car.

Now here comes Fannie Flagg
to help us.

- Still shaking the bushes,
Boss.

- [Sounds like Reagan]
The driver is gone

or he's hiding. You stay here.

- [Imitates Reagan]
Welcome to Death Valley Days.

- He's almost as visible
as I was when I was president.

- Oh, mommy.

- No shaking the bushes.

- And get that frog out of here.

- He left a good tip.

- I know it's a wooden nickel,

and you're not supposed
to take 'em.

But he's going to disprove
that myth.

- Oh, what the heck.
Yeah, I'm keeping it.

And I'm taking
this juicy car too.

- Yeah. Still shaking
the bushes, Boss.

- Ha ha. We got to send this
in to Bob Saget.

- It's just priceless.
- Like the old saying goes--

walk invisibly
and carry a big stick.

- Ugh.
- Owie!

- This will win me
the grand prize for sure.

- Ho ho. I kill me.
And others too.

- Hey,
you've got my overnight bag!

- Let's get out of here, Scooby.

- Crashing Timbers? Isn't that
a place in the Bulkhouse?

- All right,
all of you out of here.

I got to clean up.

Now unless you're going to give
to the Will Rogers Fund--aah!

- Boy, that phantom sure
did creep...at a slow pace.

Well Rocket Attack USA
should be exciting.

The overlords
said it was a war film.

- Actually,
I think it's a Cold War film.

- Now what the heck was
the Cold War anyway?

- Well, the Cold War was a rich,
fertile time of paranoia,

virulent conservativism,
rampant jingoism.

- Ah, the Reagan era.

- Actually,
I think it was the McCarthy era.

- Oh the Charlie McCarthy era.

- Well, you're right. Exactly.
It was the McCarthy era.

These are some
artist renderings.

You want to bring it in,
Cambot, just a little bit?

You see, I have here
these artist renderings.

You see one day Charlie McCarthy
looked at Howdy Doody's hair

and saw red. After that, Charlie
formed the McCarthy hearings

on un-American activities.

Howdy turned informant
and named names.

Gumby, Pokey, Kukla, and Ollie
were all implicated

on Howdy's damning testimony.

Turns out Gumby and Pokey
were in bed with the Chinese.

Their arrests started the whole
Free Art Clokey movement.

Kukla, Ollie had worked on
a left-leaning

Clifford Odets'
Playhouse 90 scrift.

But they were cleared
of all charges.

One of the era's
biggest informants--

- Oh, no. Not the duck
from You Bet Your Life.

- He was a good friend of
arch-conservative

Marx brother writer
Moory Riskin.

And as far as he was concerned,
the secret word was subversive.

After that duck's devastating
testimony,

neither Jerry Mahoney,
Knucklehead Smith,

or Farfel worked for years.

Arthur Miller took it upon
himself to write

an emotionally gut wrenching
commentary on the Cold War era

called Topo Gigio
Goes to the Circus.

Topo, by the way,

used his earning
from the Ed Sullivan Show

to fund the attempted
assassination of Fidel Castro.

- Joel, after this,
nothing will ever show me again.

- Oh, yeah? Brace yourself.

'Cause the most sinister
friendly witness

brought up in front
of the committee

was none other than...Lamb Chop.

- Oh, wow. Big surprise.

- I always hated her anyway.

- She was the one who put
the finger on Davey and Goliath.

- Oh, not Davey and Goliath!
- Say it ain't so, Joel.

Say it ain't so!

- Davey,
being a God-fearing American

was more than happy
to cooperate.

Goliath named names too.

- Uh, let's see,
there was Dolt and Trumble,

Ringlaud Jr., Albert Maltz.

and Berthold Brecht.

- Unfortunately, all the
committee heard was arf! Arf!

Arf! Arf! Arf!

Goliath was convicted of
contempt of Congress

and sent to the pound.

- Well, at least we know
an error like that

will never happen again.

- That's right,
my little friends.

- Yeah, I'm sure glad
I'm not a puppet.

- Me too.
- Me neither.

Who pulls your strings?

Bubbises politicians?

Sounds like
a Sid and Marty Krofft sitcom.

- ...in the month of October
1957 was successfully placing

an Earth satellite into orbit.

In so doing, they changed

the entire concept
of modern warfare.

- And that hurts.
- Yeah.

- The story you are about
to see would be inevitable,

should the wrong people gain
control of that government.

- Like the new monkeys.
- Or the filmmakers.

- Remember guys,
this is filmed in color.

It's just that everything
is gray in Russia.

- Ah.

- Rocket Attack U.S.A.

But it starts in Russia.

Edward Czerniuk
as the Commie rat.

Daniel Kern did the letters.

- Hey, it's Art Metrano.

- [All singing]

- Oh.

- And the Godless Communists.

- [Imitates Russian accent]
Vladovia Lazareff

as the Commie scum.

- Alan Smiler as a sad guy.

Dietic photography by Mike Tab.

- Short and one-named people
listed here.

- Ceco, don't be a hero.

- Rick Carrier pigeon.

Big Steve Brody.
Baron Al Baron.

- Ha ha. Next in Star Search

opening credit competitions,
Sinbad.

- And the people who made
this collection

of stock footage possible.

- Hey, check it out.
It's a water tower, you guys.

- No, it's a flying tick.

- It's a land-loving mother
pigeon of all phantom creeps.

- Whoa.

- No, I think it's a supersonic,
metal-covered spitball.

- Meanwhile, I Love Lucy Shows

are transmitted throughout
the world.

- Hey look, that guy won a Tony.
- [Beacon-like noise]

- Cool.

- Crickets.
I think I'll name my band that.

- Hey, Morgan, come here
a minute and listen to this.

- I can't. I'm busy right now.

- Hey, he yelled all the way
from Washington.

- That looks like Madison.
I'm on State Street.

- ...eventually ended up
in the office

of the Central Intelligence
group.

- Heh, if you can believe that.

- We believe it was fired from
a base in the Caspian Sea area.

- We also believe that for every
drop of rain that falls,

a flower grows.

- ...we plotted each circuit
of the globe.

- When this guy
quits passing gas,

let's knock off for lunch. Shh.

- ...96 minutes.
That's about all we know.

Except that it is broadcasting
on two common frequencies.

And the signal is not encoded.

- And aliens are speaking
on my dental work.

- ...is whether it is sending
out code while over Russia.

And if it is, what information
it may be giving.

- Line.

- We think at the moment,
it may be nothing more

than a device for propaganda.

- How dare they!

- But they may have
a big jump on us.

- I'll let Dr. Hemlick explain.
- He makes more than me.

- He's a good maneuverer

- The intercontinental missile
program has been held up

awaiting some way to get
a report on three vital points

to do with outer space.

- Geez, don't open with a joke
or anything.

- One is the exact density
of the air at the altitude

the missile will travel.

- That's Doogie Howser
all grown up.

- Second, the effect of
radioactivity on such a rocket.

- I'm so ashamed.
- Third, do the other planets

exert enough gravitational pull

to cause deviation
in the navigation equipment?

- Pause.

- The whole purpose
of a world satellite

is to find the answers
to these questions.

- At the back of the book.

- The first country
to obtain this information,

will be able to fire
a successful missile

- within six months.
- Well thanks, Bob,

I think we all have
our cyanide tablets ready.

- Pencil's down, people.

- You may as well answer it,
General.

That's all I have to say.

- Oh, may I?
- Watkins here.

- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
- Three bags full.

- Yes, sir. Pencil please.
- Give me a freakin' pencil.

- Yes, sir.

- Go to Germany
and pick up my laundry.

The political pressures

regarding this matter
were terrific.

- They were fabulous.
- Consequently, it wasn't long

before a top secret
coded message

reached the desk
of George White,

chief of the European bureau...

- It said,
"Drink more Ovaltine."

- Get the laundry for you.
Blah, blah, blah.

Hugs and kisses,
you know how it goes.

Sign my name.

- It's an ad for Dolphin temps.

- Oh, let's check the daytimer.
Now, let's see.

Massage at 2:30.
Manicure at 4:00.

Bum rush at 5:00.

- Oh, yes, will you send him in.
I've been waiting for him.

- Tell him I have his pencil.

- How you doing, John?
- Hi, how are you, George?

- Good to see you. Sit down.

- You can have
the chair of shame.

- Well, what's up?
- Your number, pink boy.

- John, I sent for you because
you're the best agent we have.

- What kind of collateral
can you give me?

- What's the job? When you start
passing out compliments,

I figure there's usually
something pretty big up.

- Something big is up.
- Little man.

- He looks like Sam Waterston.

They want to find out
if the Reds are really

on the right track
with these satellites.

- Well, aren't these satellites

just a good propaganda move
on their part?

- We hope so. But they may be
getting data that would put them

way ahead of us.

Well, what do you want me to do?

- You're gonna be flown
into Russia.

Then make your way to Moscow.

There you'll contact
one of our agents.

- Then coat yourself with bear
grease and cluck like a chicken.

- Incidentally, destroy
that after you've read it.

- I'll throw it away.
- The agent is a girl.

But we think that she's
the right one for the job.

- Now I'll be the judge of that.
- That sounds interesting.

- Remember, John,
we want information,

not a repetition of that affair
in Vienna.

- My lederhosen just came back
from the cleaners.

- Seriously, George,
when do I go?

- Right now. I'll drive you to

a little airport
outside of town.

One of our best pilots
will take you

in a special civilian plane.

- And then push you
out the back screaming.

I have no need to tell you,
if you're caught,

we'll have to say that we never
heard of you.

It'll be as if you were
on Thick of the Night Show.

Is it okay if I stop
by my apartment

- and pick up a toothbrush?
- Sure. Let's go.

- And take a bath
while you're at it.

- Hey.

- ...here they met the pilot...

- An amiable chap with soft skin
and liquid brown eyes.

- They were using a civilian
plane with civilian markings.

- No ventilation.

- ...and with the slim hope
that if caught,

they could pretend to be
two innocent civilians...

- Waking up
in each other's arms.

- White himself was not happy

as the little plane lifted
into the air.

It is never pleasant
to send a personal friend

into such danger.

- But he can live with it.

- ...and the best man
had to do it.

- The groom or the bridesmaids
just wouldn't do.

- During the flight,

all papers were first memorized
then destroyed

except for the false ones

that identified the two men
as tourists.

- He said except
for the false ones.

- It was not possible to proceed
all the way to Moscow,

the ultimate destination.

The range of the little plane
was not sufficient.

- But it was the little plane
that could.

- ...the Russian capital was too
heavily guarded for a landing.

Therefore it was necessary
to put down

soon after crossing the border
of the Soviet Union.

- So they landed here in New
New Poughkeepsie.

- ...which the pilot
had used before.

- But not for landing.

- Whoa!

- Whew. That was close.

- The white zone is for loading
and unloading of spies only.

- How about the red zone?
Really?

- After leaving the plane,
Winston could expect

no further help until
he reached his contact.

This meant traveling by the most
inconspicuous ways possible,

walking when necessary.

- Otherwise a light,
ginger trot.

- At this rate, Moscow...

- Hmm, there's a commercial
behind this bush.

- The capital was apparently
peaceful and prosperous

under its present regime.

- Well, that wouldn't last.
- Tension was growing.

And rumors were being to spread
about the possibility...

- Hey, hi!

- The people were not
in favor of this.

But military minds
do not often consider

the desires of the laymen
when making their plans.

- It's only a penny.

- Once Winston got to the
metropolitan area of Moscow,

he found it easier to get about,
as there were many tourists

from the Western European
countries in and around...

- Remember, when you're taking
snaps on holiday,

don't cut off
the subject's head.

- Excuse me. Looking for
a spy section, please.

You a spy? You a spy?

Spy? Oh.

This looks like the spy seat.

He's a spy.

They only have red wine here.
It's weird.

- She's reading
for the part of Genie.

Oh, wow. Free drinks and a show.

- I wonder if she's going
to finish her...

- Oh, big drink.
- Kenny G. in Russia here.

- This is the real Russia
after hours

when all the lights are red.

- On the surface,
the man still was calm.

- But underneath it was just
like a bus ride

in the 10th grade
if you know what I mean.

- ...he would be unable
to complete his mission.

- You can't really tell
from this shot.

But that's exactly
what he was thinking.

- As the girl appeared,
his immediate concern

was to establish contact
without being observed.

On this action hinged the
success of his entire mission.

- Hey. Hey, are you my waitress?

Uh, could I just get some bread
or something?

- I can't see.

- Hey, could somebody please get
this guy some service over here?

Please, huh?

- Ahem. I'd like to order,
please.

- Not coming back here again.

- Boogie guys, swing.

- ROCKing in the USA!
ROCKing in the USA!

- I would like to order, please.

- I'm beginning to enjoy this.

Mind if I mooch off
your fintusler?

- Now this is my interpretation
of the special for the evening.

The flagellation from my arms

will tell you to enjoy
the roast pork...

or the shiskabob.

- Can we see the desert tray?

- Enjoy the falafel.
I'll be here all week.

Excuse me. Thanks a lot.
I'll be here all week.

Oh, great. This must be
the wine list players here.

And now funnyman Yakov Smirnoff.

Oh, great. It's Riptellarksy.

[Men singing]

[Imitating singing]

Uh, here's a secret message.

Can I run a tab? No, no.

It's a secret message,
and there's no charge.

I should leave a tip.
No, it's okay.

Are you sure?

- Uh, could you get me
some crackers or something.

Just anything. I...

- Geez.

Try something special
from the bar.

This week's special,
Polynesian delight.

And flaming black Russians.

And finally the fintusler.

- Hey,
who's that guy over there?

- It's a pope on banjo.

- This is an add
for medicated Tucks.

- You know, if you're going
to keep playing that music,

just torch us right now, okay?

Just set fire to everything.

- I can't believe this guy made
it on Letterman.

- Amazing.
- I bet he didn't panel.

- That couple came in after that
guy and they've already eaten.

No, guys. A hack is a hack, no
matter what country you're in.

Thank you. Enjoy the blitzes.
I'll be here all week.

And don't smoke.
Please don't smoke. Goodbye.

- Ahh.

How many nights
must I wait for my man?

- Goodnight my someone.

In my own little corner
in my own little house.

- I think I'll check
the rat trap.

- Oh, no dinner tonight.
- [Knocking at door]

- Hmm?

- I wonder who that could be

in the middle of Russia
and everything.

- Well, the place looks okay.
I guess I could open it.

- Hi, look.
I'm really, really hungry.

Do you have any cereal
or anything? I'm just starved.

- Hello.
- Did anyone see you?

- No, just the guy in the club,
the belly dancer,

the fire eater, the cab driver,

everyone on the street,
and the guy filming this.

Besides that, no one.

- May I verify your papers?

- Say, you're all business,
aren't you? I like that.

- Hmm. A letter from Ed McMahon.
You may already be a winner.

- This doesn't look like you.

- Oh, it had just been raining.
I'd been really sick too.

Lost some weight.

- Well, I guess you'd do.
Do you do windows?

- She's burning...

They can't even afford
to burn paper in this film.

Just throw it out.

- What are you plans?

- Oh, you just burned my plans.

- First I must find out
if you feel the same way now

as you did two years ago

when you contacted our ligation
in Turkey.

- Yes, I do.

- Put some commas in there.
- Really!

- My family was killed resisting
the Germans.

I escaped to Turkey and later
married one of your airmen.

He was killed in an accident.

And that's when I made
my decision.

I was told to return here
and I would be contacted.

But why have they waited
so long?

- You were being saved
for the big one.

- Me.
- And this is the big one.

- Through your contacts
we have to find out

if the Reds have gained
any advantage.

- Would you like a cigarette?

- ...and if so, how much?

- Well,
I can tell you this much now.

They have all the information
they want.

- How do you know that?

- Dig this.

- In a way even your Mr. George
White in Germany hasn't learned.

Last month,
I became the mistress

of the minister of defense.

When the pig gets drunk,
he talks.

- Sui!

- What a set up.
- They are nice, aren't they?

I don't know exactly what data
they're received

from the satellite.

But I heard him say it was
enough for the engineers

to complete their missile design

They all seemed very elated.

- I wouldn't wonder.
- Looking at you.

- Look, I'm going to have
to get this back to headquarters

as quickly as possible.

It'll take them a couple
of weeks to contact me

with further instructions.

- Do you have a fax machine
or something?

- I think it would be best
if I stayed here.

- That is, if you don't mind.
- Heh heh.

- I don't mind.
But in this case, well,

I want to help all I can.

But when Joseph gets drunk,
he comes here.

- Mm-hmm.

- And for your own sake,
I don't think you want

to overhear some
of the things that happen.

- Ohh.
- Hey, listen. I'll only watch

'til I run out of quarters,
okay?

I have to do a lot of things,
I don't like to do.

- Like this scene.
- ...so can I.

Okay, roommates?

- Okay.
- You talked me into it.

- We know they've received

at least some of the data
they need.

- Well, I don't know about that.

- I'm sure now
they're ahead of us.

- Maybe not that far ahead.

You should really think
about it. I don't know--

- I know the budget cuts
slowed you down.

- Of course.
It would slow anybody down.

Wouldn't it slow you down?

- Good Lord, man.
I'm not blaming the aircraft.

I'm only asking you all
to redouble your efforts.

- Redouble my efforts?
How could I redouble my efforts?

- All right, as soon as
our satellite it up,

you'll get the data you need.

- Would you quit talking--
- But in the meantime, Arthur,

- just guess.
- Let's get out of here.

- And for all our sakes,
guess right.

- Well, I'm guessing you're
number four, you're number five.

[Applause]

- Welcome back
to civil defense quiz bowl.

Brought to you by the grace of
God and chocolaty coco bombs.

Let's meet today's challengers.
From Los Alamos, New Mexico,

representing the military's
grudging acceptance

of the growing trend
away from nuclear proliferation

as we plummet toward peace,
please welcome Mr. Crow.

[Applause]

- And from Oak Ridge, Tennessee,

representing the aerospace
and weapons industries,

and their glib and almost
Machiavellian attitude

toward the threat of imminent
destruction of the human race,

it's Tom Servo.

Finally, she's a housewife
from Great Neck, Long Island.

- Meet Gypsy.
- [Applause]

- All right, let's get things
started with a toss-up question.

What three-word slogan was
coined during the Cold War

as a schoolchild's best defense
against a A-bomb attack?

- [Buzzer]
- Tom Servo of Oak Ridge.

- Duck and cover?
- Could you state that

in the form of a desperate
cry to God

to save you
from an unholy death, please?

- Duck and cover!
- He's right for five points.

- Thank you. I'll take
propaganda for 15, please.

- Category is propaganda.
Complete the following sentence.

Had this been
an actual emergency...

- [Buzzer]
- Oh! Crow from Los Alamos.

- Uh, you would have been
advised to tune in to

the emergency broadcast station
in your area

for further information.

- Is right. And there's
a bonus burst of strontium 90

if you can complete
the rest of the message.

- Uh, don't tell me.
I know this.

And this concludes the test

of the emergency broadcast
system?

- Right. So Crow from Los Alamos
is off to an early lead

with 30 rems of radiation.
Time for another toss up.

Which early '60s
CIA covert operation

was considered their greatest
failure of the decade?

- [Buzzer]
- Crow, Los Alamos.

- The Kennedy assassination.

- No, I'm afraid that one was
a success. Tom Servo, Oak Ridge.

- The Bay of Pigs.
- Is right for 20 rems.

- Thank you.

I'll take civil defense myths
and legends for 50, please.

- Ooh. Taking a gamble
for 50 curies of polonium. Wow.

Here we go with civil defense
myths and legends.

- How do you protect yourself
from fallout?

A) Hide in the basement
until it goes away.

B) Wear protective
rubber underwear

and simply brush yourself off
at the end of the day.

Or C) Run naked through
a field of sorghum.

- A and B.
- Is right.

- Thank you. I'd like to stake
five curies and bottle.

- Oh, we're living dangerously.
Tom Servo of Oak Ridge.

- Name the two most famous myths
of civil defense.

- We can win a nuclear war.
- Number one.

- And survivors
are the lucky ones.

- Right. And Tom Servo from
Oak Ridge rockets into the lead

with 15 curies and 20 rems.

[Air raid alarms sounding]

- Uh oh, It's time for
the fallout elimination round.

The winner will receive

a complete thermolactic nuclear
fallout shelter,

complete with a 17-year supply
of canned food

and 500,000 cloritin
water purification tablets.

There are two questions.
Number one--

The category
is Hollywood Legends.

Name the movie with the most
radioactive and deadly set.

- [Buzzer]
- Gypsy.

- Moby Dick
with Richard Baseheart.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
You're out of the game.

Crow from Los Alamos.

- Uh, The Conqueror.
- Is correct.

Just ask John Wayne
or Agnes Morehead.

Now on to our final question.

What is the most practical thing
you can do

in the event of a total
thermonuclear war?

- [Buzzer]
- Tom Servo of Oak Ridge.

- Duck and cover!
- Wrong.

- Crow, Los Alamos.
- Stick your head--

- We got movie. Aah!

- Hey, it's been 13 years.

You can come out of
that closet now.

- Joel, who won
the quiz bowl anyway?

- I think we all won.
We live in a democracy.

- [Retches]

- We missed the best part.

- That was really horrible
as usual.

The second time was worse.

And the third time
was really tough.

- Don't worry about me.
I'm okay.

Looks like you got
the worst of it.

- Thanks, I think.

- All right, tell me.
Did you find out anything?

- Well, he's got bad skin.

He's got a mole shaped
like Nixon.

- There has been a split
in the presidium.

Tomorrow, the military are going
to push for a showdown.

The want to strike as soon as
the missile is finished

And while your country is still
unable to retaliate.

- Funny. All I heard was.
Uh, you got my leg.

- I don't know. A lot depends
on the vote tomorrow.

- Voting in Russia?

- Hard to believe
that a group of civilized men

could sit around
and calmly discuss

how to murder five
or six million others.

- That's why
we've got to crush them!

- ...ahead of the world.
Such a power can do

unbelievable things.

- Yeah, I heard. Go ahead.
Rub it in.

- You maybe picked
the wrong side.

- Don't touch me there.

- I'm happy it was my choice.

- Huh?

[Cheering]

- * Look for the Union Label

[Humming]

- [Speaking Russian]
- Spit it out, man.

- ...to consider the use of
Sputnik for military purposes.

He now turns to the minister of
economy and asks his opinion.

The minister replies
that the economy can stand

a war at this time.

- Suddenly,
Ivan tells a salty joke

involving an elephant
and a ladder.

- I can't repeat it.
But the punch line is what?

To give up show business?

- Marshall now asks his staff
and defense minister

if they concur with him in this.

- George Johnson Jr. says da.

- However, the other ministers
do not agree.

The marshall is very annoyed.

- And he loses a pen.

- ...why they feel they can't go
along with him in this action.

He emphasizes
that he has the punch,

the advantage of surprise,
and the first rockets.

- Boris picks up a sand wedge
and moves to the map.

- ...would give full
and absolute control of America

to them.

- Looks like Boy George.
- Yeah. Same costume.

- Our agent from Moscow has
gotten this information through.

- But I didn't think Moscow
believed in tears.

- ...Kremlin, the militarists.

And they're considering
launching a missile

as soon as they can

- Now when can you start work?

- I'll lay my cards
on the table.

- Go fish.

- If we can't come up
with something better,

within in a reasonable time,
this country is going to witness

the most frightful disaster
it has ever seen.

- You mean an actor
becoming president?

- William Shatner will direct.

- Hmm. No.

- With the problem of the
skin friction on the warhead,

- Are we talking about
the same thing here, buddy?

- We can modify
the navigational equipment.

- And we're working on a device

to protect the rocket from
meteorites and radioactivity.

Give us time.
We will give you your missile.

- Time? We have no time.
- For sergeants. Heh.

- Had we half the money
that was appropriated

for such worthy projects
as cheese price support,

we would've had our ICBM
long ago.

- Hmm.
Someone's a little bitter.

- ...peacetime general
is up against.

But actually at any rate,

you now have all the resources
of the country behind you.

- And me.

- And God grant
that we may not be too late.

- Whoa.
Beach bluff makes Tar woozy.

- [Muttering in Russian]

- The fat, drunken Russian pig
asks for a Long Island Ice Tea.

- Oh, my lack of God.
I feel sick.

- Come,
let me tell you something.

[Retches]

- Dear Penthouse, I never
thought I'd be writing you.

But I met this college girl
from Minsk.

- Watch it.
- Hey, that's not scotch
guarded.

Please!

- All right, all done in there?

- He's asleep. When he's like
this, nothing can awake him.

- Really? Well, let me try.

- We're going to have
to get him his own room.

He's just getting too big.

- I wish I knew what was going
on inside that brain of his.

- Well, let's crack it open
and take a look.

- He's going on an inspection
trip to the missile site.

And he wants me to go with him.

- Could you say that
a little more woodenly?

- He leaves on the train
in the morning.

That's why the celebration
tonight.

- Yeah,
looks like he's having a ball.

- The saddest excuse, he drinks.
When he's drunk, he wants me.

Not for a nice party or dinner.
But only here.

- What's wrong with that?

- Why can't he go home
to his wife?

- Because she's
fat and bald too.

Sometimes when I'm in that
closet and he's out here,

I'd like to come out here and--

- Put you in the closet.
- It has to be.

I really don't mind.

- But I do.

- What? What?

- Something--oh. Okay.

Oh, you taste like a fat,
drunk Russian.

Neat.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Far to the north lay this
fully operational missile base.

- Or telephone pole.

- ...an intercontinental missile
capable of completely destroying

a city thousands of miles
distant.

- Yeah, sure.
- Neat, huh?

- [Speaking Russian]

- You doorman or waiter?

Monkey boy. Me Monkey Boy.

Doh, the missile good.
Bring me potato sandwich

with mush on top.
Out of here.

- [Humming]

- Oops.
- Aim, fire.

[Imitating gunfire]

- Would you like to kiss
the missile?

- The captain compliments
the colonel

on his well pressed suit
and asks him where he got it.

- Just when we need
the voiceover,

it's nowhere to be seen.

- Of course, I'm going
to steam off the wallpaper

and repaint the whole thing
all around.

Some nice molding to warm it up
a little, but that's it.

- It must be a stealth missile.
There's no shadow.

- How's the missile?

- Well, I've seen plenty.
- Seen enough.

- Placebo.
- Yep.

- Eh. Let's got get some chow.
- Hey, good idea.

- I'm just going
to get a whole pie.

[Crosstalk]

- Sundown in the union. Whoo.

- Hope I can sell this
"Doctor, Doctor" spec script.

[Phone rings]

- Watkins.

- Oh, hi, dear.
- It's the president.

- No, why don't you go ahead
and eat without me.

We're testing tomorrow.

- The MMPI.
- I'll be here all night

finishing this paperwork.

- Oh, really? No, can't do that.

- Well, why don't you and Helen
take in a movie?

- 'Cause Helen's my imaginary
friend. She's not real.

You keep doing this to me.

- Honey, I just have to get
these reports out tonight.

- What kind of reports? What are
you, seeing other women?

- We've been through
all this before.

- Well, I got to get going.
- Okay, goodnight.

- Idiot.

- So we were just switching
to aid our controls.

And everything went boom.

- Could you put that
into laymen's terms, please?

- That does not mean we do not
have a successful missile

that can pinpoint
a target 6,000 miles away.

It was just bad luck.

- Bad luck?
That's putting it mildly.

- I was counting very heavily
on this.

- I nearly expressed
an emotion back there.

- One more test will prove it.

- In two weeks,
we'll be ready to try again.

- Two weeks?
We don't have two weeks.

- I'm going on vacation
next week.

- If this test
had been successful,

I really think we had a chance
to go ahead of the Reds.

But now the fate of this country

is hanging on a very thin
thread.

- And suddenly I'm the jerk.

- ...our chance at sabotage.

[Inhales, knocking at door]

- Come out.

- All done? Honey?

- Hmm.

- Hey, Kiba!
I asked for extra cheese.

- I want $3.00 off.
- Who are you? What do you want?

- Bill Bixby,
what are you doing here?

- Look at the note.
- Like that'll prove anything.

- Nice shoes. Hush puppies huh?
I like you.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Hmm.

- Let me see here. There was
an old hermit named Dave

who lived by himself in cave.
This doesn't prove anything.

What's this supposed to mean?

- Where is she?
- It's me honey.

Nice disguise, huh?

- How?
- By train.

We can make the journey
in several short trips.

- That way there'll be
no fatigue.

- There's a train that leaves
at 8:30.

- Be under it.
- I've got the tickets.

Will you come?

- Well, I like your key.
Yes, I'll come.

- I guess I have to trust you.
- Sure, why not.

- Name's Johnny Manston.

- Lawrence Steele,
British intelligence.

- Isn't that an oxymoron?

- How did you get mixed up
in this?

- We like to keep our hand
in everything.

- Ahem.
- Actually, we've been trying

to make contact with Tanya
ever since she took up with--

- Tanya? Surely you mean
Patti Hurst.

- I had my chance on the train.

She says that it's imperative
that you join her.

- Join her.
- That's what the note's for.

- Don't tell me what the note's
about, you squinty-eyed--

- Well, I'm glad you made it.
She says they're about ready

to fire the missile.

- We'd better go then.

- We'd better.
- Okay.

I guess I haven't got time

to wait for any further orders
from Germany.

- Limey, this could be the start
of a beautiful friendship.

- This is the U.S. cushion,
inferior to ours in many ways.

- Newspapers are informing
the world

that the American attempts
to launch their rocket--

- Ivan attempts
to sell Amway products

to his unwitting guests.

- ...and finalize their new
military position

of the Russian rockets.

- And now he's bragging about
his night with the girl.

- We turn you over now
to Mike Wallace in the field.

- I'm standing
in a shotgun shack

in another part of the world.

But this is not
my beautiful wife. Huh?

- This used to be a comedy club.

- But then Kipa Dad let loose
and the audience went way down.

- All done in there?
- Careful.

- He's over there.

This is as far as I go.

- I wanted to go farther.

But I'm not a fat, drunk,
bald Russian pig.

- He's right. You see these
woods are so filled with guards,

alone he'll stand
a better chance.

- I'd love to hang around
for all the danger,

but I got an early 8:00.
I got to go.

- Give him this.
- It's raw pork.

- He'll know what it means.
- Thank you.

Will you be contacting us again?

- From the grave?
I don't think so.

Tell him to be careful.

You know,
I sort of like the guy.

- A lot.

- Tell Lara I love her. Bye.

- Oh, God. I hate him.

- Hey, you have fun
with your friend?

- Hi.
- Johnny.

- Hello.

- You're safe. I was worried.

The police are thick
in this area.

- Oh, we had
a few rough moments.

- But we couldn't afford
to show them in the film.

- About 50 bucks
for all the raw pork.

- Why did you send him back?
- Because it's a one-man job.

- It'd be tough enough for one
let alone two.

- Don't let this building
be a metaphor for our love.

- ...New York tonight.

- New York? Hmm. That doesn't
fit into my schedule.

- Aren't they afraid of
retaliation?

- The test missile crashed
on take off.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
enjoy the only arty shot

in the entire film.

- We don't need rockets.

Our Air Force can still
drop bombs.

- The Kremlin is positive

that none of your aircraft
can get through.

Our anti-aircraft rockets
have proven 100% effective.

- Did Lawrence give you the TNT?

- He gave me the T and the N,
but not the other T.

And I had the A.

- That's okay. You didn't have
to get me anything.

Sandwiches?

- Now pork.

- Where's the site from here?
- I'll show you.

- I told you
I must do it by myself.

- Okay, find it yourself,
you big spy dink.

- I've got to go with you
no matter what happens.

Do you understand?

- But you'll get
the worst of it.

- I think I do.

- Look, you're getting
on that plane.

And we'll always have Paris.

But, uh,
I've always wanted to say that.

- Thank you, Woody.
- All right.

- Now after you.
- No, after you.

- No, you go first.
- I insist.

- Age before beauty.
- Ladies first.

So this music sure implies

something exciting going
to happen.

- The end?

- Ah, couldn't be that one.

Very exciting.

You know,
I kind of like that Sting guy.

He did that song about us
and our children.

He didn't have to do that.

- They can't wait.

Say, do I look like
Ronnie McDowell?

- Oy.
- What do you mean by oy?

- [Speaking Russian]

- Really, old boy.
I don't know what you mean.

Nobody said I couldn't
walk out here.

- [Speaking Russian]

- Begin? All right.
Thank you very much.

- They have Cole Porter there.

Is he supposed to be British?

- The power stations
and the controls are over there.

But they're heavily guarded.

I think
we'd have a better chance

of getting in the compound
from the other side.

- Be quiet. Shh.
You're a spy. Shh.

- Next.

- I was in Fantasticks
and Oklahoma.

I have a two-minute slide.

- Thank you, next.

- I was in The Odd Couple
and The Good Doctor.

I had a small part in
Leg's Diamond.

But then who didn't?

- Hold the rest.
I think we found our Gigi.

- Let me see your papers
authorizing you

to be in the area.

Well, actually all--

- Give me those.

- SAG After Equity.
Very impressive. You sing?

Hmm. Drive standard, automatic.
That's good.

- Mr. Steele, might I ask you
why you're in this district

when your papers clear you
only to Leningrad?

- May I ask you why you don't
have an accent?

- Actually,
I'm afraid I lost my way.

- I am not amused.
Do you realize the seriousness

of being found
on this military reservation?

- About as serious
as this guy's forehead.

- I'm sorry. In fact, if you
give me one of your chaps

to show me the way
back to the main road,

why, I'll be on my way
to Leningrad

and attend to my business.

- Perhaps you were spying on us.

- And you're smoking.

- Sabotage maybe.
Were you alone?

- Of course I was alone.

Look, nobody told me
at the embassy

that I couldn't go out and take
a bit of a walk in the woods.

I simply lost my way.

- You are lying. You will tell
me who was with you.

- I've told you before.
I was alone.

What else can I say to you?

- No who in their right minds
would go out with me?

- Good. Now let's do
some improv structure.

- I'll deal with you later.

- He's mad, don't you think?
You think he's mad?

I think--you know him.
Do you think he's mad?

- Rochester.

- I think he's mad.

[Imitating music]

- [Speaking Russian]

- The general is asking
for hamburgers

instead of chili peppers.
They burn his gut.

He'd really like a hamburger
and some French fried potatoes.

- [Imitates Russian general]

- The general
now calls us Spinach chins.

And they pause,
and they say nyet, nyet, nyet.

- The general scratches
his belly

and thinks his shirts are clean
but his officer stinks.

Gorilla girl hot and sweet.

A military matter.

No shaking the bush.

What's that story
about the bear again?

- Ha ha ha. Fun!

- You go first. After all,
you've taken the worst of it.

- [Sniffing]

- Hey.

See, that's what
I was talking about.

Right here. Commie scat.

- Piles of it everywhere.

- This is one
hell of a sand trap.

It's only a par three
on this thing too.

- Okay, careful.
Careful through here.

There you go.
Oh, that's a good girl.

There you go. Jump. Oh, you're
a good jumper, aren't you?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

That's so good. Very good.
Yes, yes, yes. Yes!

- Now limbo! How low can you go?

- Well, we already know
how low she can go.

- Ahem.

- Hmm. What's this?

Commie scat?

Hey, a woman was
humiliated here.

And then she was condescended to
and then someone used sarcasm.

- Somebody played right through
the sand trap

and didn't rake it.

That's the pits there,
isn't it?

- A lot of Ansel Adams-esque
scenery in this, isn't there?

Find your light.
Find your light.

- Hold it. Could somebody
get into the shot, please?

- Hey, anybody?

- Somebody on the screen,
please?

- Is somebody around
that could get--

- Oh, here he comes. Okay.
There you go.

- [Man yells in Russian,
gunfire]

- That must mean pull
in Russian.

- Oh, come on. Shake it off.
Suck it up. Get up and run.

Come on, you wuss. Get up.
Get up.

- She got the worst of it again.

- I'm all right.
- [Gunfire]

- Okay, I'm going. Hey ho.

Let me know which gulag
you're in.

- [Man yelling in Russian]

- If you lie very still

the Red bear will not step
on you.

- Now take my heat, Commie.

- Oh, my! I'd hate to shoot
a butt like that.

- Heh heh.

[Imitates music]

[Stops]

- [Imitating music]
- [Speaking Russian]

- Oh, what a day.

- Building a playground, huh?

- Just shaking the bosses, sir.

Bushes, I mean, Boss. Heh.

- There. They're building
a playground.

- It's really hardly guarded.
There's only one guy there.

He must be incredible
dependable.

I think I'll risk it.

- The grass is greener
on the Red side of the fence.

Trim Jeans Theater presents--

- Kitsch LeBeau,
can you hear me?

- If this follow spot
keeps up with me,

I'm gonna have to do a number.

Oh, let's see. One of my
Judy Garland favorites.

* By the light of--

I'm not doing two shows.
Definitely not doing two shows.

- Hmm. Look at this--
Fresh borscht.

We're going to have
to throw some of it out.

It's delicious. Nice sour cream
and beets. Mm-hmm.

- Come on. Come on. Ugh.

- Take my sister, will ya?
Tell your friend.

- That's it. One guard.

Most heavily guarded military
installation in all of Russia.

I'm in. Am I good or what?

- What's he going to do?
Ride it?

- This is going to get me
into Theta Chi for sure, dude.

- Hey, this is no time
for a snack. Come on.

- Can't vote, huh, Boris?

Well, this is how we vote
in the U.S. of A.

Take this you damn dirty
rat apes.

I'm taking a vote
for democracy and freedom.

- [Man speaking Russian]

- I'll just set this on brown.

- Yeah, three minutes
and leave it in the shell.

- That should do it.

And that's for making fun
of Nixon in the kitchen.

Here's a little present
for Mr. Stalin,

courtesy of Uncle Sam.

- That's for shaking your shoe
in the U.N.

- [Gunfire]

Now I escape
under the cover of darkness.

- [Man speaking Russian]

- How much are you
getting paid anyway?

- [Man speaking Russian]

- Clean, get over here,
you idiot.

- It's on here with Velcro.

Give me a hand.

- Uh, no, no, no.
Let me help you.

It's a child-proof bomb.
You have to push down and turn.

Go, this will look good
on your resume.

- Bye.

- Meep meep.

- Did I forget to tell you
to throw it?

- I'm all right. I'm okay.

- Hey, Tanya. Tanya, we did it!

Where are you, Tanya?

- Oh, there you are.

- What a dope

- Then Tanya and Bob
took up residence

with a man named Topper.

Hey, this doesn't
look like Russia.

Doesn't look like New York,
either.

Hazlet?
Must be a Twilight Zone episode.

- [Imitates Serling]
Submitted for your approval.

- Life was simple
in Grover's Corners.

- It's the new
1953 Buick Special.

And just like a dream,

you'll arrive
at the apocalypse in style.

- Special agents are called in
to slow the film down

and grind it
to a screeching halt.

- No one will be admitted
during the breathtaking

car parking sequence.

- What do we have to do
with this film, dear?

- Bill, I'm fighting.
Please don't go in today.

- Lots of men are staying home
until these air raids are over.

- I can't work over the phone
like they can. You know that.

Besides, I have to go.

- Just like you had
to go to Korea.

And before that, Formosa.

- And before that,
the Spanish-American War

and the Battle of 1812.

- You have to face
your responsibilities.

- That's what I'm doing.
Pat, in case of a raid,

there's nothing I can do
for you and Bill.

- You're going to have
to die on your own, dear.

- I can't take you by the hand
for everything.

- I can be of help on the air.
Pat, in a real emergency,

people will have to depend
on radio completely.

Besides, you can't believe all
those phony stories and rumors

the papers pick up and print.

- Maybe I'm silly.
- You are.

If anything should happen to
you, I don't know what I'd do.

- Don't worry.
Nothing's going to happen to me.

- You on the other hand,
you're meat.

Please, Pat, don't worry.

- Let's split, guys.

- See you later.

- Not.

- You know, I think you should
take it easy, Tom.

It looks cool. You kind of look
like Bart Simpson or something.

- Great.
- Uh oh, cool it you guys.

There's a foreign object
in our air space.

Cambot, give me give me rocket
number nine.

Let's have a look at it.

- We've got company, comrade.

- Greetings my new glasnost
comrade, I am Sori Adropoli--

most famous Soviet cosmonaut.

And these are my robot
help mates--Lucia and Vitalic.

I greet you in the name of all
working people of whole planet.

- What happened
to that guy's robots, Joel?

They look like they got
shot out of a canon.

- Be quiet. Hello.
I am Joel Robinson

of the satellite of love.

I greet you in the name
of all people of Earth

who are lounging around.
These are my robot companions--

Crow and Tom Servo.

- And we want to challenge
your robots to a game of hockey.

- Good one.

- It's very humorous.
It's most unusual for robot

to have sense of humor.

Let me show you one of
my good-natured mirth-getters.

I think this will
really get you. Hold on.

You know,
Sori not feeling so well.

He in unhappy mood.

Whoo! Bugga, bugga, bugga!
Sori, oh!

Oh, boy, I kill me. Ah.
Robots like it too.

Sorry. This is a minor
Soviet bypath malfunction.

Like in your country
is most important

to maintain mammoth
sense of humor,

and new wave American slapstick.

- I know why they call him Sori.
Geez.

- Um, hey, Sori, wait a minute.
Maybe we could do a link up.

I could fix your robot,
and then we could get together.

It's been so long since
I've seen another human being.

You know, we could connect
the access ports

and get together
and drink Tronya

or whatever it is
you guys do.

- Mr. Joel, I regret to inform
your misinformation.

But Soyet 18 is AC port.
And your ship is DC.

As we say in Soviet Union,
we are not compatible.

I'm so sorry. But I have to go.

- Hey, wait, wait.
Come back. Come back. Hold it.

- Yes?

- Is there anything
we could pass on

to our American brethren
on Earth?

- Yes, you could tell

your American glory vocalist
Billy Joel

that he did nothing
for glasnost.

And also we will trade you

a Billy Crystal
for a Yakov Smirnoff anytime.

So I got to go. Remember--

good health, self control,

and most important good mood.

- Do svidaniya.

- We have to remember
to pray for him.

- Well, looks like Italy.

- Hey, it's Metrano.

- [Humming]

- They're the chunkiest couple
on the block.

- Have a good day
at the log factory, dear.

- Honey, the steering wheel's
on the other side.

- If you want me to go out
with you tonight,

you've got to wear a tie.

I'm tired of everyone thinking
my husband's a bum.

- I am a bum
except for one thing.

- What's that?
- I'm a rich bum.

I had 20 bucks, and I'll blow it
all on you tonight.

- 20 bucks or not,
you're gonna wear a tie.

- Okay, I'll get a special one
just for you

with a new dame painted on it.

- Heh heh.
- Very funny.

- Very funny.
- See ya, sis.

- Well, let's swing it over
to New York

and see what's going on
in the saucy city. Heh.

Like it matters. Ugh.

- Uh, Mr. Sanford. Mr. San--

- Oh. Whew.
Almost a lawsuit there.

I'm Mr. Dirt. I come here
every day and watch the filth.

I'm a collector
of the world's refuse.

- Oh, man, this is definitely--

We've tapped
into a different movie here.

I could almost believe that last
scene with Art Metrano.

Oh, I don't understand this.
We've lost all common thread.

What is going on here?

- Hey, Crow,
something will happen soon.

- Good morning, my boy.

- Good morning, Mr. President.

- Well, I wanted to get
as far away from that plot

as I could get.

- Who's driving me bonkers?

- How's the market?
- Oh, Just fine.

With the war scare on,

you really should make
a killing.

- If there is a war, there will
be lots of killing, you guys.

- I'll just wait here.

- Good morning out there.
- Good morning in there.

- Bill Deal again with the news
and views of today.

And I must say for the first
time in a long time,

the outlook is brighter.

The Middle East and the Far East
are quiet.

At least temporarily.

And the Kremlin through
their foreign office

has made it known that
they're open for discussion

on matters that have long been
in disagreement.

Perhaps the large advances
we have recently made

in our missile program
has caused this new thinking

- on their part.
- Exclamation point.

- The successful launchings of
our mini satellites

apparently has closed the gap

in that missile race
that has existed

since they first launched
their Sputnik 1 many months ago.

Seem apparent that the new
powers in the Soviet Union

are far more interested in peace

and an ending to the Cold War
than their predecessors were.

It is reported that
a very important meeting

will take place in the Kremlin
at 8:30 pm Moscow time today.

That will be about three hours
from now.

So we'll try and have something
for you in the afternoon news.

Now for some local happenings...

The general is calling
a local tobacconist

to see if they have
Prince Albert in a can.

They say yes.
And the general says,

"Well you better let him out
before he suffocates."

And switches lines
to a local bowling alley.

And asks
if they have 10-pound balls.

They of course reply yes.
And he says,

"How did you get to the phone
so quickly?"

I thought that was funny,
didn't you?

- Very funny.

- Ha ha. What a joker, huh?

- 10 pound balls.
I can't believe it.

What a carrot boy.

- Somebody turned in
their shoes.

- Ahh.
Turn on lane number three here.

Ready on lane three.

- [Man speaking Russian]

[Beeping]

- Who's this artist?

- John Cage, I think.
- John Cage. Yeah, I got this.

- Wow. I finally get
my stereo tuned up

and it's this new wave crap.

If something better comes on
I can tape over this.

I can do it.

- [Man speaking Russian]

- Philip Glass.

- I think it's quadraphonic too.

- He's gassing up the rocket.

- We're filling the van
and heading to Steve's party.

- Go ahead number four.

Clean the windshield on that,
will ya.

- Wow. This is really dull.

- Hmm. Let's see if I can
tune in some light FM here.

Hmm. Back out to the playground.
Same songs.

- It just keeps doing that.

I never thought the end of
the world would be so annoying.

- Do not try to adjust
your sets.

We will control what is boring.

- This guy must be
at a self-service silo.

- Number four.
Gas is leaking at the 9:00 pm

- Four rubles back on a gas it
yourself with cash.

- [Man speaking Russian]

- Sure hope it doesn't go off
before the commercial.

[Beeping continues]

- Oh, great. More of this?

I think this stereo's
out of whack.

If he doesn't do the tape
monitor, he can--there we go.

- Oh, that rocket's run by
reel to reel.

It wasn't 'til '70s that
they were run by 8-track.

- Boy, that's annoying.

- Ah, cool!

- Really great
special effects here.

One .45 handgun.
Two packages of chewing gum.

One extra prophylactic.
One hundred--

- Okay, guys, at this point
we have to ask the question

what the hell did that
fat couple in the truck

have to do with anything here.

Hey, they're got more
of an annoying beep than us.

- And they got 80 geeks
at the controls.

- Hey, the invented asteroids.
Check it out.

- Oh, wow.

- Well, geez, look.
It's above my ears

and it's flat on top
and stuff.

And my scalp is bleeding
as it is.

- Look, I haven't got time
for the pain.

One moment please.

- Oh, it's one of your friends.
So called friends.

And he's really mean too.
I don't mind telling him.

- Watkins here. Yes.

Yes.

Are you sure it's not
an aircraft?

- Is it bigger than a bread box?

- Is it known for its work
in the theater?

- Have you got a plot
on its direction?

- So it's our eminent doom now.
Okay.

- Okay. Keep me informed.

Well, that's not good.

Defense man please.

Hello. Hello.
This is Gen. Watkins.

- No, it's not like the beer.

- Now, listen.

I want a red alert
for every area

east of the Mississippi River.

No further phone service
except for civil defense

and the military.

Put this on all teletypes--

At 14:00 hours Easter Standard
Time, the Reds fired a missile

aimed at the eastern seaboard
of the United States.

The missile will hit its target
in about 10 minutes.

No other facts are known.

But we'll try to keep you
informed.

- One more thing.
- Lunch next Wednesday? Okay.

- ...We're going to need them.

- I'm never going to finish
my novel now.

- Hey guys, look.
It's the beginning of Bonanza.

- Now we watch a the map burn
a whole in the middle,

and there come the Cartwrights.

- It went digital.

- [Air raid siren]

- Lunch time.
- Lunch!

- Hey, Queens. Queens, lunch.
- Break for lunch.

- Yonkers.

- Boy, this is no time to die.
I just bought a single slice.

- Attention, the remaining pizza
will go on sale for 15 cents.

- Hey, the cheese is cold.

Think you could nuke this
for me?

- That's not another
of those things.

- I think they're stupid.

- Darn old apocalypse.
I just ignore them.

- She says I'm a bum
because I don't wear a tie.

I went out and bought it. Man
alive. She's gonna love this.

- Come on, you guys.
- Quit horsing around.

Give me that.

This one here's too much.

Yeah, you're high.

- Wow.
- Hear the pretty music.

-Hey, it's Klitch Cago.

- Attention everyone,
this is a red alert.

- It's Harry Connick Jr.
Red Alert.

Benny Goodman in Moscow. Groovy.

- ...switch to civil defense.

- Remember that good stuff
I told you about earlier,

well forget it.
And now simply red.

- Repeat, switch to 640 or 1240
on your dial

and get your instructions
from civilian defense.

This is a raid. Take shelter.

- Remember to pick up a few
KQ bumper stickers.

- Please keep the lines free
for military calls only.

- You'll electrocute me
if you pick up the phone.

No really,
I'm working on the line.

- Listen on 640 or 1240 on your
dial for further instructions.

- Oh, and honey, could you turn
the pilot light off?

- Attention,
this is a real raid.

- Hey, it's Toody and Muldoon.

And they got Glenn Super
in the car.

- How would you like
to use this in a supermarket?

- Supermarket.
- Attention, attention.

- Even little children must die
so the lesson must be learned.

- Snap.
- Oh, my neck.

- Even sister Sue must die
in a grisly death.

Even Rod Steiger must die.

- Careful there.

- Oh, my head. Ouch.

- Hey,
where'd you get your pants?

Oh, that's right,
same place as me.

I object to this, you know.

- To those of you still
listening,

follow this instructions
if you can't get underground.

- Try not to let
your hair catch on fire.

- ...lie still
until the blast has subsided.

Don't touch or eat anything.
And above all,

keep calm and follow
instructions.

- For a hundred years.
- Drink lots of juice.

It's good for you.
Or have an orange.

- ...and 1240 on your dial.

- Now back to Klitch Cargo.

- Okay, let me have it.
- Okay, you dress bad

- and your suit's ugly.
- That's what I thought, yes.

- You want me to hold
the chicken?

Do you just want wheat toast?
Oh, that's a number 13. Sure.

- Bob, Jerry's waiting for you
in his office.

- ...This thing is coming
straight down.

There's a slim chance.

- One delicious shake
in the morning

and my hair falls out
in the evening.

- Mack at controls please.

This is Gen. Watkins here.
Yes. Yes.

- Yeah, like the beer.

- When this missile shows
on your scopes,

I want you to fire
every Nike you have.

- Yeah, and Adidas too.
Tretorns, Keds, Red Ball Jets.

The whole shebang.

- But try.

- Please try.
- Okay.

- If only we had and operational
anti-missile device.

- Say, my uncle Louie
has one in the basement.

- Maybe the Nike will hit.

- Maybe the Nike will hit.
Nyeh. Nyeh.

It's just something to do.

- ...18,000 miles and hour.

Nothing can stop it.

- [Alarm buzzes repeatedly]

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me

- Chili.

- Kids, remember,
don't lay in refrigerators.

They don't open
from the other side.

[Buzzer continues]

- Good morning.
- Hit the snooze.

- Somebody please slap
the snooze.

- Morning everyone.

You get like this
in the morning.

- Oh, yeah.
- Me, too.

- Hey, look, a trident.

- Sugar free?

That's a Nike and a Ked.

That's a Tretorn.

- Calling all kids.

- Air Jordan. There it does.

- That one was an oxford.

- Shaped like
a saber tooth tiger.

- Taxi.
- Those are missiles not taxis.

- Hey, it's Harry Truman.

- Got to get out of here.

- I got to go.

- Got to go.

- Getting out of the city.

- Hey, it's a special post-
apocalyptic collector's edition.

- Attention Zack Norman is dead.
- Stop the presses.

Heh. It worked.

Heh, lucky one.
Didn't have to see any of this.

- Help me.
- What?

- I know which shelter
I'm going to. Yeah.

- [Imitates Dr. Strangelove]
Of course women must be chosen

for their sexual prowess.

Und animals will be
bred and slaughtered.

- ...have to discuss retaliation
for this unwarranted attack.

- Oh, yeah. Like that's
really going to help.

- ...move to its emergency
headquarters,

and all military personnel
are asked to report

to their bases as soon as
they safely can.

- Like in about 5,000 years.

- But in the meantime, enjoy
Jerry Lewis and Tony Curtis

in Boeing, Boeing!

Boy, that is one long runway.

That plane just can't seem
to get off the ground.

- Mm-hmm.

- Starting in airport 79.
Damn you all to hell!

- George Kennedy pops the clutch
and tells the world eat my dust.

- Clutch.

[Air raid siren blares]

- There's a severe storm warning
for Wright and Jackson county

and parts of Carver county.

All New York
is in this warning area.

- Damn!
- The teletypes are dead.

- The only people that
are left are Harry Belafonte,

Anger Stevens
and that other guy.

This is Bill Deal signing off.

- And remember Bill Deal's
Oldsmobile at at the beltway.

- Dear, if you can hear me,

it just dawned on me
that I probably won't see you

or little Bill again.

This is because I've been
stubborn. I'm sorry.

'Cause I really love you.

- What a wuss.
- [Phone rings]

- Nice pirouette.

- Gen. Watkins.

- So I call and I get Fiji.

And I say AT&T
would've given me credit.

They say you're not dealing
with AT&T.

Say I am now.

- Well, at least I don't have
a lot of hair to burn.

- Darn.

- Give me the White House.
- I quit.

- Clutch!

- Turned the Big Apple
into apple sauce.

- The suburbs were spared?

- ...New York City was almost
completely destroyed

with a death toll of well over
three million.

- Just a regular day
in the Big Apple.

- Regardless of possible
disagreements--

- Really a fun film guys.

- Let's beat it.

- We cannot let this be the end.

- Oh, yes we can.

[Crosstalk]

- Now, now, now.
You're all speaking at once.

And I can't understand you.
You're upset.

Please, one at a time.

- Okay, okay, guys,
let's jus take it easy.

[Crosstalk]

- Hold it. Hold it.

Listen, maybe we should just
take this one at a time

and try to explain
how we're feeling, okay?

Okay, go ahead, Tom.
You start.

- Well, first of all,
Sam Waterson sends a spy guy

in the Piper Cub over to Russia

to a restaurant
with bad service.

And then he meets the girl
who dates a pig.

And he lives in her closet
for 10 year

while they develop the
United States rocket program.

- Yeah, yeah.
And the relationship

between the spy girl
and the fat, stinky,

balding Russian pig guy only
gets better, that's disgusting.

- Enter Leonard Nimoy,
Bill Bixby type.

He hands 'em a megaton of TNT,
leads them into the woods,

and suddenly they're having
a teary departure

like we're supposed to care.

I mean, we didn't even know the
guy was supposed to be a Brit.

All he did was say things like
cheerio and good boy.

- Then sui the pig girl
gets shot

in one of the least dramatic
scenes since Date with an Angel.

Spy guy muffs the bombing
on the missile

guarded by the photo met.

And then he gets shot in the
same place as sui the pig girl!

- Oh, cut to New York,
where Art Metrano

and Harry Connick eat pizza
and buy ties

for their stupid girlfriends.

And Harry Truman gets off
a plane by the sewage dump.

And then a blind guy goes by
and says, "Help me."

What the hell was that
supposed to be?

- Yeah. And then there's
the glorious ending

where the entire center
of New York City explodes.

Except for the perimeters.
And all we learn

is that we're supposed to live
in the suburbs not in the city.

I got to read some letters.

Okay. Put this one up
on the screen there, Cambot.

Still store it for me.

"The main reason for this letter
is to call to your attention

"a matter of grave importance.
I was visiting a friend's house

"when I noticed his childhood
stuffed bunny rabbit.

"What I found was horrible.

See the enclosed,
un-retouched photograph."

Okay, put that up there, Cambot.

Okay, there's the bunny
right there.

"This poor bunny
had been designed

"to look like Isaac Asimov.

"What kind of cruel, sadistic
world do we live in

where injustices such as these
are allowed to happen?"

- Bet he was a scientist.

- Yeah, could've had something
to do with that.

Well, what do you think of this
week's experiment, you guys?

As if I care.

- You're upset. I like that.
Push the button, Frank.

- It was kind of harsh.

I mean, why don't you give him
a break next time.

Like show him Scott Valentine's
My Demon Lover

or Betsy's Wedding
or better yet--

- Push the button.

- Madame Sousatzka.

- Push the button, Frank.
- Madame Sousatzka.

- Have you seen that?
It's actually very good.

- Is it?
- With Shirley MacLaine.

She does a wonderful job.

- Let's go catch it. Okay.

Help me.