Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 3, Episode 10 - King Dinosaur - full transcript
Joel and the Bots watch X Marks the Spot (1942), a short in which a reckless driver finds himself on trial in heaven for his carelessness behind the wheel. In King Dinosaur (1955), the crew pokes fun as scientists are terrorized by snakes, bugs, and dinosaurs on a newly discovered planet.
THEME SONG: In a not too
distant future, next Sunday, AD,
there was a guy named Joel, not
too different from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic
Institute, just another face
in a red jump suit.
He did a good job
cleaning up the place,
but his bosses didn't like him,
so they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst we can find.
La, la, la.
He'll have to sit
and watch them all,
and we'll monitor his mind.
Now, keep in mind,
Joel can't control
where the movies begin
or end, because he
used those special parts
to make his robot friends.
Robot roll call.
Cambot.
Pan Left.
Gypsy.
Hi, girl.
Tom Servo.
What a cool guy.
Crow!
He's a wisecracker.
If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes
and other science
facts-- la, la, la-- then
repeat to yourself,
it's just a show.
I should really just relax.
For Mystery Science
Theater 3000.
-No.
No, to me, you guys, it's more
like a moment of pure epiphany,
you know?
Outside.
Oh, hi.
Welcome to the
Satellite of Love.
We'll be right with you, OK?
-Rave on, Joel Robinson.
-Rave on, my holy fool.
-All right, dig this.
[ROBOTS SCATTING]
-Once there were big
billows of pure spirit.
I-- we'd run through
it like a sprinkler.
I'd try to send it
down baffles and tubes.
Through accident and
experiment, I worked the smoke,
keeping it at my bedside like
a humidifier, a steady stream.
Some nights, like a
dream, I'd see it sputter.
The thing is just a curl now.
Time to get on my shoes and
find that billow of pure spirit.
I traded away my smoke
tools months ago.
Who needs them when you've
got that steady stream?
VOICE (ON LOUDSPEAKER):
Commercial sign in 15 seconds.
-All right, we're
almost done here.
The little stream by
my bed is at its end.
I may not even recognize
the big bale in the cold.
But what good's life
without some pure spirit.
VOICE (ON LOUDSPEAKER):
Commercial sign
in five, four, three, two.
Commercial sign off.
-Yes, yes.
Psycho-cali-funka-delic-expiala-dexy!
-No, I'm pretty sure, you guys,
I-- it's not supposed to rhyme.
It doesn't have to.
-Oh.
-Oh, kind of like a haiku.
Mm-hmm.
Go ahead.
You want to do your thing now?
-Yeah.
My name is Crow.
I'm a Pisces.
And I like a girl who's quiet.
Float, floata.
-I want to-- uh,
do you mind if I--
-Oh.
Yeah, that's fine.
That's-- I'm done.
-Well, hello, Sir
Goofus Von Drake-snot.
How's the poetry enclave going?
Still trying to teach those
little bots about emotions,
huh?
Well, you caught
us at a bad time.
I'm right in the middle
of finishing the elevator,
and Frank's getting
ready for his hat party.
-Mine's going to be
the grandest of all.
-Yep.
Hey, it there's one thing I've
told you about those bots,
only hate and snap
judgment are going
to guide them
through the future.
-Uh, Dr. Forrester, you want
to come over here a second
and-- oh, what's this for?
-No!
-Oh.
-Oh, man.
They crushed you, didn't they?
It's probably all hot
and it hurts and stuff.
Does this mean we get to do
the invention exchange first?
-No, you don't get to do the
invention exchange first.
Frank, go and get that
unicycle with the monster truck
tire on it.
-Oh, you mean the one
used for crushing mimes,
your naughtiness?
-Yes, the one used
for crushing mimes.
Frank, Frank!
Don't let me fall.
You make me fall,
I'm going to shove
bees in your nose and
bugs down your shirt.
-Would it help to
say, I'm sorry?
-Frank, look at me.
OK, I'm the invention
exchange this week.
Are you happy now?
All right, everybody gather
around and take a big long gawk
at the pocket scientist.
[LAUGHING]
-Wow.
[INAUDIBLE], man.
Oh.
Hey, nice improvisation
on a standard theme.
Joel?
-Thanks, Carl.
Well, this week's
invention exchange for me
today is of really
an organic nature.
I kind of created it
accidentally, really.
But when you've been marooned
in space as long as I have,
some of your personal effects
can get to be a bit randy.
So I came up with this, the
incredibly stinky sweat socks.
[GROANING]
-Works every time.
-Oh, you got it.
That's it.
All right, OK.
Put me down.
Get off of me.
Jerry, Jerry, lose
the apron, all right?
And as for you, you
barnacle built for two,
you're somehow responsible
for my spine getting snapped.
I'm all right, Frank.
And so you're going to
have to pay in pain.
All right, Frank.
And your first film, rather
fittingly, is a safety film.
And then we're going
to follow that up
with another
Lippert masterpiece.
OK, Frank.
I'm fine, all right?
And you, mow it, you taco-head.
Come on, get out of here.
Come on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[ALARM]
-Oh, we got movie sign.
-Hey, you don't have those
stinky socks with you?
-Now I know who
the stinky guy is.
-Hey.
-Ha, "Marks the Spot."
Is that, like, "Max, the Knife?"
-No, I think it's about a
dog who changed his name.
-Look, down there,
Raymond Carver.
This must be a short.
-And Webber the grill magnate.
-Little bit of a
stretch there, I'd say.
-Me?
-Yeah.
-And George Matthews
as The Beaver.
-You do that every movie.
-It's-- well, you know.
-Yeah, it's neat.
-It's in the contract.
-It's credits.
You gotta do that.
-And who's the commissioner?
-Arthur W. Magee.
-Arthur Magee and Molly.
-He-he-he.
--and these fabled
traffic accidents--
-Mm-hmm.
--involving key workers
in New Jersey war plants--
-When did you start
having these feelings
that you were a commissioner?
--makes it imperative that
we open a second front.
-God, I love you.
I want to shout it
from my oxygen tent.
-Is this for immediately
release, Commissioner?
-No, sit on it for a while.
-The loss of life or
any disabling injury
to a war worker means a definite
setback to our war program.
-If you kill yourselves here,
we can't kill them over there.
-We kill, we maimed--
-Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
--our fellow countrymen
without malice,
without hatred,
without thinking.
-Without energy.
Would you wake up?
Come on.
--to conserve the
lives of the people.
-Mm-hmm.
-And to improve
traffic conditions.
-Im-pwove twaffic conditions.
-Imagine, if you
will, a New Jersey
city with a population
of over 20,000.
-I can almost see it.
COMMISSIONER (OFFSCREEN): Enough
people to fill a large stadium.
[CHEERING]
-Free bird!
COMMISSIONER (OFFSCREEN): --are
to suddenly removed by death
or injury--
-Wow, looks like a
Gino Vannelli concert.
-Who?
--some idea of the
annual traffic toll
in the state of
New Jersey alone.
-Wow.
You can't see it from
here, but my torso
was fused to a block of granite.
-But most of the drivers and
pedestrians who were involved
didn't break all the rules.
-Just some.
-Just once in a while, they
were careless or inconsiderate--
-Or they didn't want to
live in New Jersey anymore.
-Which is-- oh?
NARRATOR: Yes, driving and
walking in modern traffic
is often careless,
inconsiderate,
and from the automobile
point of view--
-But I get a kick out of it.
NARRATOR: --sometimes fantastic.
-It's fabulous!
NARRATOR: --traffic is
a bit fantastic too.
It's about a car.
-Bing!
-It's called parallel
universe parking.
NARRATOR: --the kind you need
these days to get home in.
And it must be a safe car.
One that--
-This one checks out.
NARRATOR: And then there's a
driver, a guy named Joe Doakes.
-Hi, how you doing.
I'm Joe.
See ya.
NARRATOR: Yeah, he
does look familiar.
Sure, he lives on your street.
-In fact, he's under
your bed right now.
-Oh!
-Oh!
NARRATOR: Sorry.
Don't get sore, Joe.
Just absentminded--
left his car in gear.
-Let it go.
-Oh!
NARRATOR: Well,
what do you know?
-He uses the Braille system.
NARRATOR: That a boy, Joe.
Count 10.
Maybe Joe will be
different this time.
-Oh!
-Oh, this is scary.
NARRATOR: There he goes again,
pulling away from the curb--
-Thank you.
Have a nice day.
NARRATOR: Well,
as we were saying,
Joe didn't have much
patience in traffic.
Joe used to say--
-If you're going to bury
a body in a shallow grave,
make sure you use Quickline.
Heh, heh!
Well, he used to say that.
NARRATOR: Now take a
situation like this.
If Joe were in a
hurry, it seemed
there was always somebody in
his way, some inconsiderate guy.
-Yep.
NARRATOR: Well, if he can
get around him and beat
that light at the next corner.
-Hey, buddy.
What are you doing?
-Hot dog!
I got a date with death.
NARRATOR: There goes the light.
-Whoa!
NARRATOR: You see how it is?
As Joe often said--
-Oh, I've enjoyed this
good-natured ribbing.
-Thank you!
Thank you very much.
Thanks for almost killing me.
-Yeah, you--
-That's it.
Take me to 3rd Street.
NARRATOR: Ah, look at that.
As Joe says,
traffic these days--
-Thank you.
NARRATOR: --would
drive a guy nuts.
[GROANING]
NARRATOR: How do you like that?
Didn't even close the door.
[HONKING]
-Hey, it's crazy Guggenheim!
NARRATOR: Well, let's leave
Joe to straighten this one out
while we get on with the story.
Now, there was a street
intersection not far
from where Joe lived.
-We call it Blood Alley.
NARRATOR: You pass it every day.
No signals or stop signs, not
much traffic, one of those
places where nobody
bothered to slow down--
a good place for an accident.
-Makes you feel happy.
NARRATOR: Here comes a car
now from one direction.
-What?
NARRATOR: Uh-oh.
Here comes Joe from the other.
-Let's watch the fun.
We think the joke
will be on Joe!
[TIRES SQUEALING]
-I guess he can't be a witness.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
--tragic accident--
--there's a sliver over there--
-(IRISH ACCENT)
All right, folks,
there's a two drink minimum now.
NARRATOR: He's Joe Doakes,
a neighbor of mine.
He's got a lovely wife and
two beautiful children.
-Now I make my move.
NARRATOR: Seemed like
a swell guy, Joe did.
-Well, except when he ate.
-Shows over-- or maybe not.
-Joe?
Crypto-Joe.
-It wasn't my fault.
I had the right of way.
-Ah, tell it to the corpse, pal.
-I was only doing
15 miles an hour.
Hey, where is that guy?
-Uh, he's with your wife, Joe.
-I've been a careful
driver all my life.
-Yeah.
-Ask my wife.
She'll tell you.
I've been driving for
15 years, and I never--
-Hey.
Is that Patrick Swayze's father?
-Mm-hmm.
-Are you George Bailey?
Oh, sorry.
Wrong film.
-No use wasting time
with these mortals.
They can't help you anymore.
-Hey, it's Elton John in hell.
--my neighbors, my friends.
They'll understand.
I know them.
-Yeah, you used to know them.
-Yeah, they're your
pallbearers now.
-Come on.
-Take my hand.
-Upsy-daisy.
You've got some tall
explaining to do.
-Do you think they're going
to talk about how Ugly
that guy is?
-Hm.
-Come on, let's go
talk to Hamlet's dad.
-There's Mr. Jordan.
Hey, now over there,
that's Mick Jagger's cloud.
Stay off of it.
-Now, this isn't one of those
high school dreams where
they're going to have him
walk around naked, or--
-I don't think so.
-Got a class he forgot
about until now.
Huh.
What is this, an ice
rink all of a sudden?
Whoa.
-I'll be with you in a moment.
I'm just sealing some fates.
-Today, in dead people's court.
-Uh-- ahem-- uh, excuse me?
Uh, pardon your--
-Mr. God?
-Sir?
-Dear diary, it's
hard being God.
Huh?
Oh, later.
-Oh, where are
your skates, boys?
-Oh, my line.
Sorry-- and my hat.
Excuse me, your hon-- your sir.
-Good morning, sir.
-There are no good
mornings here.
-I'll decide if it's
a good morning or not.
-What was your name?
-What was my name?
-Huh?
-You mean, sir, I'm finished?
All washed up?
-86'ed?
-Well, that depends
on the evidence.
-Hasta luego, Buckwheat?
-86 holiday?
-Your name?
JOE (OFFSCREEN):
Joseph Doakes, sir.
-Joseph Doakes.
-Funny name, huh.
-Doakes--
-Doakes, let's see.
There's dickweed, dog,
dumb sh-- ah, here it is.
-Joe Doakes.
-Hm.
-Ah, you were born
in New Jersey, eh?
-I thought I smelled something.
-Your age?
-I'm going to be 36
on my next birthday.
[CHUCKLING]
-Yeah, right.
-Next birthday?
-Boy, God sure has a
crummy office, doesn't he?
-Why, he wasn't due here--
-That's because all the
decorators are in hell.
--for another 20 years.
Fine guardian you
turned out to be.
-Why, if it wasn't
for me, your honor,
he'd have been here years ago.
The worst driver in
New Jersey, and you
expect me to keep
him out of trouble.
-My records show no
convictions against this man--
-Oh, he might go free.
-Yeah, he did a favor
for Sinatra once.
-I've been driving
for 15 years--
-Oh, silence.
This court isn't
interested in your opinion.
-Oh!
-Proceed.
-Don't you see, your honor, that
record of no convictions only
proves how well I've guided him.
-You see, I stopped a
car with my face once.
My forehead's all [INAUDIBLE].
-Well, he wasn't a bad fella.
-No.
-Good natured egg.
-Egg?
-Kind to his family.
-Hard boiled.
-Very considerate of everyone.
-Poached?
Often.
-You see, judge?
I'm not such a bad guy.
Please let me go
back, just this once?
Besides--
-Hey, he's got a gun?
-I got almost a full book
of eight coupons left.
-Well, you should have
presented those immediately
upon ordering.
-Let's get on with the charges.
-Visa or Mastercard?
Ha, ha!
Little--
-How is he on remembering
to give signals?
-[INAUDIBLE] the body
of the letter, huh?
-On signals?
Well, only fair.
Quite a few black
marks against him.
But when it came to sounding
his horn, he was pretty bad.
He was always sneaking
up and scaring
the wits out of pedestrians.
-Don't get me wrong.
I enjoyed that.
--about night driving?
-Hm.
-I brought a clip.
I don't think it
needs any set up.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
--called for more caution
in driving in the daytime.
But I couldn't get to
first base with him.
-It was our first date.
What a night.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
--the glare
of his headlights
did to other drivers.
Hm.
Well, there's a lot of little
things here, your honor, but--
-Well, then what the hell
are you wasting my time for?
--show much consideration
for the other guy.
-Hm, a perfect description
of the average driver.
-Joe was all right until
he got out on the highway.
Then he was an entirely
different person.
-He became alarmed by my
modeled face and bumpy skull.
--careless,
impatient, irritable.
I can't say that Joe was out
looking for trouble, but--
-But I did find him
down by the waterfront,
dressed in a Spartan costume.
-Kitty, kitty.
-Don.
-You know, I'm thinking
of growing a goatee.
-That description fitted
someone else I know.
If you know who I mean.
-Hitler?
Uh, no.
He drove a stick.
-Yes, your honor.
I had to learn the hard way too.
-Shut up.
-The toughest job I had
with Joe was his speeding.
-Yeah, he was worse than
Corey Feldman or Corey Haim.
-Even if he did keep
within legal speed limits,
he might still be
going too fast for--
-Oh!
Whoa--
-Rockford turn.
Backwards Starsky--
-Oh, that was great!
-Momentum was just another
name in the physics book,
as far as Joe was concerned.
-Hey, that was a low blow.
-Judge, if I weren't
a ghost, there
were times when I would
have been scared to death.
Joe's specialty was a right turn
from the center of the street.
He used to wow
them with that one.
-He was great.
What an artist!
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
--concerned
about the drivers he'd cut off.
-Wow.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
Or the pedestrians
who had the right
of way at the--
--Whoa!
-Wow.
-And then when we'd
approach a stop sign,
he'd never stop dead.
Oh, no.
He'd come down to a slow roll.
-Hey, he feels bad enough.
-Sneak through, and
then give it the gas.
-And then give them the bird.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
However, he
did learn one thing
that seemed to stick.
-Gum.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
One day, when
he was driving in a
residential section,
approaching the playground of
a school, without any warning,
a ball bounced out, directly
in front of the car.
-I'm huge.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN): And
right behind it came a kid.
The little fella disappeared
behind the hood of a car.
-What?
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
Joe jammed on the brakes,
started to jump out of the car.
Then the little boy ran out with
the ball clutched in his hands.
-With his skull
clutched in his hands.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
--unaware of the close call.
Joe slumped back into
the driver's seat.
-He said a silent prayer, to
Bongo, the god of gravity.
-After that, I never
had any trouble with Joe
around schools.
He'd crawl by at a snail's pace.
-Nursing homes, though.
Whoa!
-You see, Joe had two kids
of his own at that school.
-And if his wife
ever found out--
-They're all that way when
it gets close to home.
A pity they don't
always drive as
though their own
families were in danger.
-You make me sick.
-There was another
bad habit Joe had.
[CRASHING]
-Oh wait, you'll
want to hear this.
This is good.
-I love Fibber Magee and Molly.
-And at the halftime,
well, injuries
are ahead of fatalities
here in New Jersey.
-I'm so ashamed.
-Gulp.
-Uh-huh.
-Wow, looks like, uh,
Nixon's enemy list.
-Scratch another one.
-Hurts, doesn't it?
-So, go on with
your little story.
Go ahead, puny man.
-As I was saying,
sir, one of Joe's
worst habits with hogging
the center of the road.
If some driver behind
Joe honked his horn,
well, Joe would lose his temper
and start to put on speed.
But if Joe was behind
some other driver, well,
that was different.
He'd cut out with
a burst of speed,
not knowing what was
behind or in front of him.
Then one day, we were
behind another car,
climbing a steep hill.
-See?
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
Joe became impatient.
And then came the truck.
Joe saw the danger.
Oh, he was always quick to
see the danger to himself.
The truck was bearing down.
-Uh-- whoa!
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
Joe cut backside.
-Whoa.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
He made it.
But the poor guy behind him--
-The poor guy was James Dean.
The end.
-Sir, even a ghost has feelings.
Why, I was so disgusted
with his selfishness--
-Why, I booed him,
right in his front seat.
-If I hadn't given
you my solemn promise
to stick it out with
him, I would have.
-Just relax, now.
Take it easy.
-Sorry I blew up like
that, your-- um--
-By the way--
-What are you
doing Friday night?
--does he ever drive
when he's been drinking?
-Oh, boy.
I need my other scroll for that.
That's a doozy.
-Well, sir, he--
-Guardian, I want
the whole truth.
-So help me me.
-Well, sir, Joe did
take a nip occasionally.
He wasn't really what
you'd call a drinker.
Just a cocktail now and then.
-Just a half gallon
now and then.
-You know how the
boys are, your honor.
-Yes, I know how the boys are.
-And I know where the boys are.
-I have a book full of those
"just a cocktail or two"
drinkers.
-Jerks wouldn't let
me in their club.
-Drivers and pedestrians too.
Dead ones.
-Big ones.
-Just a cocktail or two.
-Phooey!
-Any abnormal physical or
mental condition due to drinking
liquor--
-Is monotonous.
--is intoxication in this state.
The careless driver or
pedestrian is usually careless
regarding the other
fellow's rights and safety.
But as to his own
safety and well being--
-Mm-hmm.
--he's downright selfish.
-Pah!
-Now, dilute that
dangerous frame of mind
with just a cocktail or two--
-Oh, OK.
Thanks.
I'll take scotch.
--then he even forgets
about his own safety.
That is one of the
reasons why that clock--
-Is this going to
be on the final?
--ticked off a traffic
accident in this state--
-Hey, if we're talking mob
murders, we'd be digital.
[HUMMING A FIGHT SONG]
-Incidentally, was there any
traffic rule he didn't violate?
-Yes, sir.
I never hit and run.
-Oh, well, that
changes everything.
-If you had, you would
have been booked in--
-Ahem.
-In phlegm?
-In a lower court.
So you never hit and run.
Why, that's so
despicable an act--
-Des-peck-a-pick?
--that I wouldn't even
accuse you of doing it.
-Never hit and run?
Why, I ought to throw the--
-Was his car
regularly inspected?
-Yes, sir.
-Hey, I'm no Commie.
-Oh, yeah.
At the last minute.
But you'll never know how I
had to nag at his conscience
to get him over
for an inspection.
Why, I had to throw all the
statistics in the book at him.
Over 256,000 cars rejected
for punked steering gears.
-Oh, Joe.
-And over 800,000 cars
rejected for dangerous brakes.
And over 1,400,000--
-OK, thank you, Mr. Spock.
-And those figures
always got him.
-Uh-huh.
-Why, here's proof
that I got him
to keep his car in
good running condition.
He can't blame his
accident on his car.
-Well, we'll mark
that exhibit B.
-And I'll slit my wrist
with it, because I'm
bored by this whole thing.
-He is exhibit A. I've
heard about enough of him
as a driver.
-Now, how is he as
a cocktail waitress?
-Well, sir, as a pedestrian,
he was different.
As a driver, he thought
he owned the highway,
but as a pedestrian,
he knew he owned it.
-Oh.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN): He'd weave
through traffic like a mouse
through a maze--
-Squeaking and calling
himself Algernon.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
--behind a wheel.
And heaven help the
driver who might
come close enough
to frighten Joe.
-And bless the beasts
and the children.
Oh.
-One day we were at
a busy intersection.
My mind was on other
things for a minute.
As the red light flashed
on, Joe got away from me
and started diagonally
across the intersection.
-Doh.
-Now, instead of walking
over to this corner
and then over to this corner,
Joe decides to take a shortcut.
He had, uh, just about
reached this point--
-That's when he
stepped into a wormhole
and was transported
to the 16th century.
-I see.
You tried to get
here earlier, eh?
-Yes, sir.
He almost made it too.
He found out the hypotenuse
of a triangle in traffic
is the shortest road
to the hospital.
-Oh, that was a good one.
You looked like a
hamburger that time.
-Two long, happy months.
My only rest in
the 15 long years
that I had to spend with
that guy's conscience.
-Aw.
-(SIGHING) Ah, what happy days.
There I was with not
a care in the world.
-Get on with it.
-Just as long as he kept out
of traffic, it was wonderful.
But of course, all good
things come to an end.
-Including the Wildwood weed.
-Well, for the
next few weeks, Joe
was the perfect
pedestrian and driver.
Then one night, he-- he, uh,
stayed up with a sick friend.
-What's that?
-Well, uh--
-Well, he got ploughed, OK?
--he had a cocktail or two.
-Jiminy.
-But maybe it was like he said,
it was the hamburgers he ate.
Anyways, the next morning,
his head throbbed so hard,
I almost felt it.
-He was higher
than Judy Garland.
-And in that condition, he got
behind the wheel of his car.
And that had to be his
last day, your honor.
Ooh, what a pity.
He really went to
town or somewhere.
-He landed right on the
X. That takes direction.
-From sheer exhaustion,
I closed my eyes
for just a fraction of a second.
I failed you, sir.
-Who's on trial here?
-I was so weary, nothing
seemed to matter.
-Oh.
-15 years--
-On a dead man's chest.
--as Joe Doakes'
driving conscience.
-Sorry.
-Is Punishment enough,
even for a ghost.
You have completely
paid the penalty
for your own
carelessness in traffic.
You are now a free ghost.
-See the clerk,
and leave the gown.
-Go?
I can go?
-Free ghost!
-Oh!
-"Stairway to Heaven."
-Woo!
-What a relief.
What a relief.
-The hell with Joe.
I'm out of here.
-He was a-- with the--
-It's high noon.
[CRASHING]
-Oh, that's the angel leaving.
He's dead now.
-Oh, I think that's James Dean
or Isadora Duncan or maybe
Jayne Mansfield.
-Hm.
[HUMMING A FIGHT SONG]
-Can I watch some
TV now, grandpa?
-Stop it.
Stop it.
-What?
What am I doing?
What?
-Stop it?
Oh, I wish I could stop it.
-Oh, I wish I were dead.
Oh, I am.
-Joseph Doakes, as to
passing sentence upon you,
I must leave that to this jury
of drivers and pedestrians.
-Oh, guilty.
Hang him.
String him up.
And get the director too.
-Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury--
-Jury?
-Huh?
-Before you retire
to pass judgement--
-Oh, that's great.
We're stranded in space, and we
still have to pull jury duty.
-Not me.
-Hey, this is important.
Pay attention.
-He was kind and
considerate to everyone.
-Except his grandmother
and the kitty.
-OK, all right.
Come on.
-Let's get out of here, come on.
-Come on.
-We're blowing out of here.
You can just hang around.
You can stay, Crow.
-He was inconsiderate on
dimming his headlights.
He wasn't too
careful about speed.
-Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
-He seldom came to a full stop.
-I remember that.
-At stop signs.
-Yep.
-He frequently hogged the road--
-Hogging the road.
Right.
I remember.
--and sometimes passed on hills.
I must say, in
his favor, that he
did have regular
car inspections.
-Yeah.
-And now--
-Ah!
--most importantly, before you
hand in your verdict, think.
Consider carefully
your own qualifications
as a driver and a pedestrian.
-My qualifications?
-Are you qualified--
-Am I qualified?
--to pass judgment on Joe?
-Yeah, I don't know.
I'm not qualified.
-Hm, qualified.
Qualified.
Wow, what a question.
Me, Crow T. Robot.
What do I think?
Am I qualified?
Wow, that's a heavy burden.
How can I make a difference?
Can I make a difference?
Surely I'm but a
single bot, alone
as it were in the
vast universe thing.
Maybe I can't change the world.
Perhaps I've looked at
life from upside down.
Hm.
Hey Cambot, move it in a little,
and cue that moody music.
Well, what would Joel do
in a situation like this?
No.
No.
No, no-- I've got to learn
to think for myself, to stand
on my own two
foot-like appendages.
Seize the day, yeah.
Think globally, act locally.
Yes, by God, I can do it.
Why, I could start a
letter-writing campaign.
Yeah, that would help.
And uh, I could
organize a bake sale.
Or hey, we could all help.
Come on, friends.
Run to your window and
shout, I'm really cheesed,
and I'm not going to hang around
till this thing gets better.
Why, organize an improv group
and do guerrilla theater
at the food court in your mall.
Dress a little differently.
Make it more exciting
for you and your spouse.
Or here's an idea-- toss
a little Cajun spice
into the party mix
and watch the fun.
Put on a one-man show and talk
about your true inner feelings
in an emotionally-charged,
gut-wrenching, autobiographical
account of your
warped adolescence,
and then watch the
grant money come in.
Woo!
But don't snap judge me.
And then watch that-- I
know, put a drop of vanilla
behind each ear, and you'll
smell like a cookie all day.
Or, uh, eat an apple,
nature's toothbrush.
Ask Mr. Owl how
many licks it takes
to get to the Tootsie center.
Have you met everyone
on your block?
Now would be a nice time
to start, don't you think?
Hm?
In the classroom, slide
your desks together
and create an ecology symbol.
Um, police the lives
of those around you,
and get your sensibilities
way the heck out of whack.
Parade up and down the
street in your underwear.
Impose your ideals on others.
It's easy.
Crush someone with an emotional
word or an enigmatic look.
You decide.
You do it.
I'm sick of this.
I can't make a decision.
I'm no good at
this sort of thing.
It's up to you.
I'm passing the buck to you,
and I've got commercial sign.
Oh, the pain, the pain.
[SIGH]
-Oh no, Robert Lippert?
Oh, yikes.
-[INAUDIBLE] is
extending us a welcome.
-Bedside potatoes.
-"King Dinosaur."
-Breakfast with the king or--
-I can't do that.
Excuse me.
-You OK, Crow?
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
What-- what is this?
-Bryant Curtis?
-"King Dinosaur."
-Oh.
-It's a Lippert film.
[SCREAMING]
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We know.
Pretty sad, huh?
-Oh my gosh.
-Marvin Miller?
This must be his crossing.
With the movie and--
-Yeah.
-Joel and Ethan Coen.
There's a-- it's a
Zimbalists in this film.
I think there was some nepotism.
There's Ralph Helfer.
I hear he's a big cow.
Again, with the
heifer and-- sorry.
-Ah, based on an original
story by August Strindberg.
"Beast From Outer
Space," his first wife.
-Tom Gries, and the whole
world Gries with him.
-That's as bad as mine.
-It's Al Bert I.,
and Zimbalist Gordon.
-They're credits.
-Oh, I'm filled with wonder.
These titles have whisked
me away to a magic land.
-Oh, don't go away, titles.
NARRATOR: On April 23, the word
to start comes from Washington.
-Start.
NARRATOR: Immediately, our
finest research laboratories
change over to this
all-important project,
the building of a passenger
carrying rocket ship.
Every security measure is taken.
-What you see, what you hear,
what you leave-- Burma-Shave,
huh.
NARRATOR: Test upon
test must be made
to develop, improve, create--
-The ultimate morning
zoo radio show.
NARRATOR: A jet
engine must be built
with a thrust great
enough to launch
the spaceship through the many
miles of Earth's atmosphere.
-If you lean to the side, this
looks like a burning building.
NARRATOR: --withstand the
pressures found in outer space.
-Then the world's largest
roll-on deodorant was invented.
NARRATOR: --unusally favorable
atmospheric conditions,
Professor Albert Garnett is
able with the world's largest
telescope to
photograph an extremely
clear view of a new planet.
-But he had his
thumb over the lens.
NARRATOR: It is now certain
that plant life of some kind
definitely exists there.
-Tony Danza, for instance.
NARRATOR: The
professor, incidentally,
is also credited with
naming the new planet.
-Planet Alan.
NARRATOR: Planet Nova.
-Oh.
-Close.
NARRATOR: New metals
must be developed,
with tensile strength
capable of withstanding
great atmospheric pressures.
-Lumps.
NARRATOR: Switch on for
jet engine test number 87.
-Oh, so the announcer is
calling the shots now?
-Ooh.
-I think their
dryer is off-kilter.
NARRATOR: Structural weaknesses
are studied, tested--
-Oh, here the effects of 13
rum and Diet Cokes are tested.
NARRATOR: Every conceivable
test for man and machine alike
has run the gauntlet.
There is no margin for error.
-There is a margin
for shame, however.
NARRATOR: Special
equipment is developed.
-Then discarded.
NARRATOR: This
nuclear power plant
will serve as an auxiliary
source of electricity
while our people
are on the planet.
Actually, because it is
activated by atomic power--
-Oh, he was just
kidding earlier.
NARRATOR: --for many years
if something were to go wrong
and their return to
earth were delayed.
-Come on, it looks
like a dashboard.
Oh, port mole.
NARRATOR: Naturally,
the people must
be careful in using
such equipment,
because if the atomic power
were allowed to go unharnessed,
an atomic fission
reaction would take place.
-Ooh.
-Ooh.
-Better one?
Better four?
-I better reset the watch here.
-Ah, way off.
NARRATOR: They, of course,
will understand its use
and therefore
minimize any danger.
-The Brady house,
built tall and strong.
NARRATOR: Pressure
vaults are constructed
to simulate the
pressures found in space.
-And the pressures of my
desolate lonely life, sitting
for hours alone
in a sound booth.
NARRATOR: Record
every vibrating pulse.
-Oh, yes!
-Oh.
Yes.
NARRATOR: Turbo jet
engines used in assisting
takeoffs or our giant
bombers are studied.
But there lies the
greatest problem.
Blasting the ship--
-Uh, looks like he's burning
some oil, doesn't it?
-Yeah.
-Then German air
shows are performed.
Hundreds are killed.
Hi!
NARRATOR: The first
test rocket is ready.
-Switch on for launching.
-Hey, they flew it out
of the Eiffel Tower.
NARRATOR: Rocket
test number two.
-That was number two!
NARRATOR: This rocket
carries animals, white mice--
-Hi, my name is Benji, and
I'm a 10-dimensional being.
NARRATOR: --gravity is still
present to hold the mice
and little ball
downward toward Earth.
-Whoa!
NARRATOR: Now the mice
are floating in air,
since they are now beyond
Earth's gravity pull.
-Hey, why do we have
to do all the work?
I'm not feeling too good.
NARRATOR: The test proves out.
Animals can live in space.
It's man--
-What are you, man or mouse?
-Well, put some cheese down
there, and you'll find out.
NARRATOR: The
spaceship is ready.
Now for its passengers.
-Hey, Keith Richards.
NARRATOR: If animal life is
found on the new planet Nova,
an expert on zoogeography would
be a most important member
of the space expedition.
-Calcified and--
NARRATOR: On August
10, Dr. Richard Gordon
was chosen to fill
that position.
He became famous
with his discovery
of the giant prehistoric tar
pits near Salt Lake City,
just two years ago.
-I'd say this patient is dead.
I'm no expert, but
dead's the word.
NARRATOR: The study of rock
formations and its minerals
is like reading the
personal diary of a planet.
-Yes, it's not very polite.
NARRATOR: Dr. Nora Pearce
joined the space expedition
on August 27.
Her doctorate in
mineralogy was awarded
for her mineralogical research
in the Himalayan Mountains.
-And she's cute too.
NARRATOR: That's the day
the giant spaceship was
being wheeled into the--
-Fire.
NARRATOR: --for
its space flight,
which was now a
matter of weeks--
-Painted up by hand.
-Nice color.
-Yeah.
Lovely.
Great fins.
NARRATOR: Medicine must be
represented on this expedition.
-Because they'll need drugs.
NARRATOR: --people
and the people
that will venture into
space in the future
is of primary importance.
-OK, you may spit now.
NARRATOR: Dr. Ralph Martin's
war service fortified him
with the experience of
treating most diseases
and fatalities
that overtake men.
-Hey, he's cute too, isn't he?
-Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
-Real cute.
NARRATOR: The chemistry
of the new planet
was to be studied by Dr.
Patricia Bennett, who
completed the group
of scientists.
-Drink it.
Drink it.
NARRATOR: She was
noted for her thesis
on the use or
radiochemistry in medicine.
-And, uh, she's cute too.
NARRATOR: --on September 12.
-Hm, dirty.
NARRATOR: On October
1, it was observed
that the position of Nova was in
the most advantageous location
for our purpose.
The ship must blast
off within 24 hours.
-Or someone's going to pay.
Oh, brother.
-Uh-oh.
Is Kooky the Clown on
the premises again?
NARRATOR: Attention--
-It's me, the announcer.
This time I'm coming
from a different speaker.
NARRATOR: --the expedition
will please report to the ship.
Blast off is in X
minus 20 minutes.
-Will the artist please
come to the stage, please?
-I wonder what
this button's for.
NARRATOR: Attention, blast
off in X minus 5 minutes.
-Hey, look.
It's Woodstock-- three days of
peace, love, and stock footage.
-Stay away from the towers.
-You look neat.
-10 seconds tick away.
The stock footage is rolled.
NARRATOR: Blast off in X minus--
-All right, all right.
I know.
-A new pope is selected.
It's Kooky.
-Neat.
NARRATOR: Five,
four, three, two--
-Ho, ho, whoa!
-That's a fast count.
-Huh.
Well, maybe you should take
your foot off the clutch.
There you go.
-It's hard to get
it out of first.
-Yeah.
-Whoa.
-It's a German rocket, you know.
-Whoa!
-That's farfegnugen.
-Whoa!
Oh, no!
-I believe by the
end of this decade,
we will land a piece of stock
footage on another planet.
Ask not what a process
shot can do for you.
-Very good.
-Uh-oh.
It's a handicap spot.
Hey, and it's not close
enough to the mall.
-Guys, I think they
landed in Wisconsin.
-Yeah.
Uh, they just discovered
Grizzly Adams.
-Pff, uh, that's one
small step for a man,
uh, one giant step
into a cowpie.
-Ew.
-Over.
Pff.
-Cute, huh?
-They're going all this way
just to make out in a field?
-Uh, well--
-At least their face
shields are interlocking.
-Hey, Joel, is she a
bubble-headed blonde?
-Uh, yeah.
-We're first.
-And foremost.
-Thank god we made it.
-Mm.
-Is it as lovely as it seems?
-Well--
-No.
-Uh, yeah.
-No.
-An active volcano.
This planet is quite young, Pat.
-I mean, uh, Dr. Pat.
-They're getting
kind of informal.
-Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.
-Cash.
-We're going to
start out test, Dick,
to see if it's safe
to remove our suits.
-What did he call him?
-What did he just say?
-Your instruments are
on their way down.
Hurry up with the
test, so Nora and I
can get out and join you, huh?
-Yeah, we want to
frolic in the raw too.
-Oh, thank goodness the
time constant is safe.
-Whoops.
-Why is he blow drying
the grass, guys?
-Because he can.
-Oh.
-Hey look, honey.
There's change everywhere.
This is better
than Coney Island.
-(ECHOING THE SOUNDTRACK)
Do-do-do-do, Do-do-do.
-Why, uh, this is smoke-able.
Hm.
High grade hydro.
-Chunky black.
Hm.
-Hey, I can see my brain.
-(ECHOING THE
SOUNDTRACK) Do-do-do.
-Oh, let's see what this one
is-- "Origin of a Planet?"
Oh, I've got that on CD.
-(ECHOING THE
SOUNDTRACK) Do-do-do.
-Is Pete Fountain around here?
-A preliminary biological
study made of the air on Nova--
-Who's talking?
--show the indications
of microscopic life
not too different from
that found on Earth.
However, approximately 40% of--
-Did I bring this with me?
--the bacteria--
-Was superimposed.
--was completely unfamiliar.
-Test for radiation gave a
reading of approximately 10%
above normal background count.
-Joel, I'm tripping.
-No, it's just a photo process.
-A Coppola film.
-Yeah.
-Temperature--
-Expletive deleted.
18 minutes was deleted
from this tape.
I am not a crook.
-Although our preliminary tests
are in no way conclusive--
-Or any good at all.
--it does substantiate, however,
that human and animal life
as we know it on Earth can
exist in the atmosphere
and environment of Planet Nova.
-The end.
-Oh, they taped over the
Beatles Berlin tapes.
[GROANING]
-Now, lets get out
of these suits.
-And into a dry martini.
-Nora, the atmosphere
checks out all right.
It's safe to come out.
-Hm.
He means, uh-- high five.
Oh, that's Patty-cake.
That's the international symbol
for "off with your clothes."
-Oh, what a day.
Patty, I'll cover your rear.
-The air's a bit
richer in oxygen.
Notice?
-Yep, I'm high as a kite.
-Anyway, it'll speed
up our reaction.
-Oh, you take care of
your own reaction, doctor.
-Ho-ho.
-What do you think Nora?
-This is just great.
[LAUGHTER]
-There's animal life here.
-Yeah.
White caribou.
-Cute.
-Listen, I saw a lake
over in that direction
before we landed.
Let's go over and take a look.
-OK.
-I think you mean you
saw a clip of a lake.
-Everyone got a date?
Let's have that progressive
dinner we were talking about,
huh?
Let's just throw all the
research out the window.
-Look, birds.
-They look like vultures.
-Ah, death loving vultures.
Hm, neat.
-Look at that three.
-Ha, wish I could do that.
-Isn't he cute?
-Bam, bam!
-Well, there it is, just
like I saw on the scope.
As pretty a lake as anyone would
want, and it's all private.
-Restricted.
-What about that island?
-Oh.
-That's a strange-looking place.
-Wow, it must be scary.
-No sun over there.
-No son of mine.
-I'd like to have a look
at that when we have time.
-I don't see why, Nora.
All they want in Washington
are tests and samples
from wherever we land.
-Well, if you need souvenirs.
-They didn't say anything
about extensive exploration.
-You conservative doctors.
-Hey, we're
neoconservative doctors.
-I don't care.
All I can see is that water,
and that means a bath, Nora.
And let's get some clean
clothes and have one, huh?
[GIGGLING]
-Oh, for fun.
-Ah-ah!
Ladies first, please.
[GIGGLING]
-OK.
You've got to love them.
Let's go.
-Who brought the sandwiches?
-Sandwiches?
-Ooh.
Quite a package he's got there.
-Mm-hmm.
-Much further?
-I want some samples from
that rock straight up there.
-I'm Chirpy, the
mutant hell beast,
and I don't like this film.
Get away.
-Oh, 15 minute break, everybody.
Lippert rules apply here.
-I love these-- birds.
-Ah, thank you, Captain Cutaway.
-What time would you say it is?
-Oh, it's time to
kill something.
-I'd say it's about 3
o'clock Earth time here.
-Judging by those birds.
-Except we don't know
how many hours there
are in the daily cycle here.
Yo know, this place could move
around faster than our Earth.
-Well, let's figure
for 3 o'clock anyway.
That gives us three or
four hours before dark.
-Besides, I decided I'm
the new god of this planet.
[MOCK SHOCK]
-Dick, that outcropping's
further than we thought.
-Ah, a couple more miles
should bring us there.
-A couple more miles
as the crow flies,
but five miles up
and down those hills.
-I symbolically represent
the pace of this film.
-Hm, we're making
pretty good time,
considering this
is a Lippert film.
[ANIMAL NOISES]
-Lions and tigers
and bears-- oh, my!
-And there on the handle was
some stock footage of a hook.
-What do you think, Nora?
-About the age of this place?
I'm afraid your guess was right.
It's pretty young as planets
go, much younger than our Earth.
-Uh, could you be a
little more vague, Nora?
-Prehistoric.
-Are you serious, Nora?
Look, let's get out of here
and get back to the ship.
I'm scared to death, and
I don't mind admitting it.
-Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Dedicated Scientist.
-Yes, for the kind of
preliminary survey they want.
I can get more information while
the rest of you are working.
-While the cat's away,
the mouse will play.
-Doh.
-That island--
-I hate it.
It's taunting me.
-Vegetation certainly
looks different from that
around here.
-Maybe we can pay it a
quick visit before we leave.
-Mm-hmm.
May be fun.
-Let the next people
pay it a visit.
Let's get back to the
ship, get out of here,
before something awful happens--
-Let's all get out of here.
-Yeah.
Wouldn't want them to find an
important scientific discovery.
-If it doesn't get dark
too soon, we're all right.
-Hey, you guys.
I got this puppet.
Let's do that little song
and sketch about the lemur.
-All right.
-Cue it.
-(SINGING) It's Joey the
lemur, the friend to mankind.
Our furry sort of monkey
friend, he really does shine.
Hey.
-Joey, the lemur is
really fun to have around.
He'll huggle and dart
you, fun, fun, fun.
-Joey, the lemur.
He'll run everywhere.
Joey the lemur, what kind of
heck of animal is he, anyway?
Um, Joey, the lemur,
the kind of animal
that would go to the
bathroom anywhere.
-Hold it.
Just hold it.
-But there's more.
-That's OK.
This is the lemur, native to
Philippines and Madagascar.
Uh-- uh, and fictional
planets like Nova.
Um, he is a clean,
gregarious, and good pet.
You said it, pal.
Old boy, pal of mine,
you're the one for me.
-Uh-oh, Joel's swinging
into his puppet routine.
-Hey, can it, fire plug.
-Hey.
-I've had enough out of you.
-Joey, the lemur--
-I got a story to tell.
--he'll say what he thinks.
-Oh, boy.
Will I ever?
I'll carry on like
a Gilbert Gottfried
from the animal world, I
don't mind telling you.
You know, I'm the clown prince
of the primate world, who's
often-- who's often mistaken
for our friend, the chimpanzee.
But don't make any mistake.
I'm not saying anything wrong
about our chimpanzee brethren,
only that I wish--
here's wishing
they'd throw a little more
work our way, all right?
-Lemur, the lemur--
L-E-M-U-R. Hey.
-Hey, who's this bird-dog thing?
I don't like him.
-L is for lemur--
-L is for lemur.
Enough said.
-E is for eat.
-E is for eat.
I eat four times my own
weight in nuts and berries,
which has its consequences,
but go figure.
-M is for monkey.
-Monkey.
I'm often mistaken for a monkey.
It goes with the turf.
Let's go.
-U is for unusual.
-And unpredictable.
-Unpredictable is right.
I once took a whiz on
Johnny Carson's sport coat.
I don't panel well.
OK, on with the show.
-R is for radical.
-And rambunctious.
-Randy as a jackrabbit,
that's me, all right.
Woo.
-I guess it's the
splendiferous lemur.
-Friend to all mankind.
-Please consider me as a
possible corporate symbol
or mascot, suitable and
fine for any professional
or semi-professional sport team.
-It's the splendiferous--
--magnificent--
--lemur!
-I, the lemur, beg
you to consider me.
I will-- I'm willing
to travel and would
make an excellent companion
to any elderly or unelderly
person.
Gentlemen, please consider me.
Thank you.
Won't you--
[BUZZING]
-Movie sign!
-Whoa.
-Get off-- get him
off of me, Joel.
-Hey, Servo.
Fight back.
-I can't.
Get that little thing--
-Hey, get that
monkey away from me.
-What is that anyway?
-It's a lemur.
They said in the
film guide that he's
going to be in-- we're gonna
meet him later in the film.
-Get rid of him.
Thank you.
-Oh, I'm dead.
-Hold that thought.
-Hi, remember me?
I'm Satan.
This is the first part of my
three picture development deal.
We'll be right back.
Now here I go down her back.
Watch this.
It's a hoot.
[GIBBERISH]
[SCREAMING]
[GUNFIRE]
-Shoot the snake, not the girl.
[SOBBING]
-On second thought.
-Oh, well, that does it.
-Oh, let's get out
of this scary planet.
-What do you say we
fix ourselves a place
and sleep here?
It'll be a lot easier to
find our way in the daylight.
-Isn't it daylight now?
-Hm.
-They all have cataracts.
-Oh, I understand.
-Maybe it's the planet
of the midnight sun.
-And so they chop
and slice and dice.
And of course, they install
beautiful Anderson windows.
America-- know-how at its best.
-And the women. helped
in gathering up things
and put it against the lean to.
-Saggy roots and
nuts and diapers.
-Uh, why didn't use
the tent that they
had in their backpacks?
-Uh, they're artists.
-Oh.
-Yeah.
-Hey, how about that?
Home sweet home.
-It's beautiful.
-What a sweet job.
-Let's go to the front
desk and register.
[HOOTING]
-Oh, a horny old owl.
-That's an owl.
-The own footage is
not what it seems.
-It's going to be
real comfortable.
-Well, it's not the
Waldorf, but I like it.
-It is the Waldorf
salad, though.
-Well, let's get the packs.
Now, Ralph and I
are going to split
the watches, three hours apiece.
That should take us
up until daylight.
You girls get some sleep.
-No reason why we
can't take a watch too.
-Yes, there is.
-How dare you?
-No arguments.
-You're girls.
-Now get some sleep.
Ralph, I'll take the first one.
-OK.
Wake me up a little
earlier, will you?
-Dames.
-Well.
-Boy, you burn a human body,
there's not much left of him.
Oh, there's his ring.
-A couple of molars.
They don't burn.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Huh, bookends.
-And he's the librarian.
Yo.
-Come on, you bastards.
I'm ready for you.
-Hi, God.
-Hey.
I thought you were
going to call me.
-I'm OK.
-You're OK.
-Thought as long as
I felt all right,
I'd stay with it a while longer.
-Hey, your microphone
cord is showing.
-Good night, old man.
-I'm 35.
I'm not old.
Get out of here.
I could still take you, buddy.
-Come on, you bastards.
Come at me.
-Hm, nothing.
Just little animals.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Oh.
Oh.
Oh, where's my man?
Well, you're not--
you're not my man.
My man must be outside.
I know you're not him.
-Ooh, is that my stomach.
I better--
-Penny for your thoughts.
-I love the culottes.
-Can't you sleep?
-I need a glass of water.
-I don't know.
It's-- . it's just that--
-I don't know.
--that I feel so much--
[MUFFLED]
-You got my tongue.
-They both awake with the
worst breath of the morning.
-Tell me, doctor, do you
still want to marry me?
-Ha.
I wouldn't marry
you if you were one
of three people on this planet.
-Clink.
-Should we wake the others?
-I don't think so.
-OK.
-Do you like long
walks in the rain?
Chinese food?
Mushing up your ice cream?
Those little Necco wafers that
they used to-- oh, never mind.
Love me.
-I'm watching over you now.
Procreate.
-Hi, I couldn't help noticing
your suitcase and your shoes.
-Hum de do, do do-- ho!
[SCREAMING]
-Hurts, don't it?
-Good scream.
-Sounds like an
alligator mauling Bob.
-Yeah, that hurt.
-He's got him now.
I can't believe it, Wally.
There's a foreign
object in the ring.
he's gonna do--
oh, a pile driver.
Oh no.
-Oh, no.
If you rub my belly-- my nerve
endings are all down there.
-Oh, gotcha.
-It looks like Dr. Moto's
got a strangle hold on him.
-Oh.
-That's not fair.
-Oh, he used a foreign
object all right.
-I was wondering if we could
finish our walk la-- later.
-He's down.
-Oh, Ralph.
Ralph, Ralph.
-Get out of the way.
You had your chance.
-Let's get him back to camp.
-Ralph is ralphing.
Look at that.
Oh, yuck.
Good job, Blondie.
-Everyone, Ralph's dead.
-They are everyone.
-Oh.
Here just set him
here on this body bag.
-I can't find a kit.
-And smiling.
-Get the kit.
Get me the canteen.
Get the canteen.
-Oh, Harrisman on the job.
-I swear to god.
Gotta do everything
my sorry self.
-Nora.
-No, you idiot.
That's my saxophone.
-Get that rag wet.
[SOBBING]
-Aw, looks like he
lost a pie contest.
-Oh, it's all my fault.
-Bingo!
-It's nobody's fault.
-He's a chocolate mess.
-You know you're not
supposed to leave camp.
-Hey, you're spending a lot of
time on that one nipple there.
You want that around?
-We've got to keep a
sharp lookout from now on.
[PAINFUL SCREAMING]
-Boy, I feel like I wrestled
an alligator last night.
-Hey, what do you know?
I'm all right, and
now she's dead.
-Uh-oh, breakfast time.
Honey Nut Cheerios, guys.
-Hahaha.
A heaping bowl.
-I'm going to need
a bigger shoe.
We're going to get a
bigger shoe, right?
-Yeah, yeah.
I'm dealing with it.
I got it.
I-- I got it, honey.
[GUNFIRE]
-It sounds like it
swallowed a dolphin.
-No.
Oh Ralph, no!
-Oh.
Need a bigger gun.
Whoa.
-He solarized him.
-I haven't seen a wasp that
big since the Nixon years.
-Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
That would be a [INAUDIBLE].
-Mm-hmm.
-Help me!
Help me!
-Where is everybody?
-Oh, they've gone.
They've gone back to the ship
for supplies and equipment.
You've been unconscious
for a day and a half.
-Oh, I don't remember
what happened.
-You were hurt, but
you're all right now.
-Help me, help me.
-You've been here all alone?
-80-foot bugs give
me the creeps.
-Somebody had to stay with you.
You couldn't be left alone.
-Well, I'm all right now.
-Is he OK?
-Nah.
-I've got a headache
this big, and it's
got stock footage
written all over it.
-You've got to relax and rest.
-Relax?
There's a bee the size
of a moose over there,
and you want him to relax?
-Come here.
I need some medicine.
-Daddy needs his love medicine.
We shouldn't be watching this.
-When will they be back?
-Real soon.
Try to rest.
-Tell the bee I love him.
-Oh, now he's dead again.
-Oh, son of a rotten--
--stupid alligator
pushing [MUTTERING]
Hey, let's carry
all this crap around the rock.
-Kill it! kill it!
-Is that your
little friend, Joel?
-Yeah.
I guess that's the lemur, yeah.
-Hey, where'd you
pick this one up?
-He jumped right
out of Paul's chest.
-That's Joe.
-Hello, Joe.
What do you know?
-Hey, Joe.
Go investigate the lady.
Wake her up, boy.
-Hey.
-He's hungry.
-Oh, hi.
Boy am i glad you're back.
Did you have a good trip?
-Lovely if you like walking.
-Anything usual, Dick?
[LAUGHTER]
-What's unusual anymore?
I saw something that
looked like a Sherman tank,
but it didn't bother us.
-Hey, who's the cook
in the outfit tonight?
-I'll do it.
-Yeah.
How do you like your lemur?
-This one's been
eating all day long.
-Hm, this one.
-Good.
He'll get his strength
back faster that way.
-So we'll just, uh, let
this scene trail off, then.
-Hm, I don't know
about this lemur.
It tastes kind of gamy.
-And a little stringy.
-Yeah.
-They ate the lemur.
-Did you find
anything today, Dick?
Besides Joe, I mean.
-We got a whole bag
full of specimens.
-Ugh.
-Oh!
--this place will
support a lot of people.
If we had to stay here
for any length of time,
we should be able to live off
the land without much help.
-Ew, she's eating shoe polish.
-Thanks, but I'll
take you to USA.
-Me too.
-Hey, what are the
plans for tomorrow?
-Oh, I thought I'd
go to the mall.
Well, I thought Laura
and I'd finish our tests
and samplings, and then I--
-And then I want to take
a look at that island.
-All right, all right, we'll
go to your damn, dirty island.
-I seem to remember
some instructions
about not separating.
-We haven't run into anything
we can't handle, Ralph.
-You know, I think they all
read too much science fiction.
You know, they
probably thought we'd
meet some kind of super
race up here or something.
-And all we've met are
large, mutated animals.
-Why don't we all go together?
-That bee was pretty super-race.
-Doctor, you know better
than the rest of us
that you're in no
shape to travel.
-That's right.
-Where is he?
-So Nora and I will take one
of the rubber rafts tomorrow
and spend the day on the island.
Pat, you-- you do whatever
work you can around here.
-Yeah, why don't you stay
here and practice screaming.
[ROARING]
-Good, but back of the throat.
A little higher.
-Hi, remember me?
I'm Satan.
You never know where
I'm going to pop up.
But first, a recipe
from my pal, Ed Herlihy.
-[INAUDIBLE].
-What are we going to do
about watches tonight?
-I'll take the first one.
I'll get some sleep
when it gets light.
-Hey, I heard that
business about the watches.
I may be a little weak, but
I can still handle a gun.
-Oh, don't be silly, Ralph.
You need your rest.
Look, maybe we
don't need a watch.
Joe seems to be pretty
good at shouting alarms.
-Count on Joe for extras.
-Oh, we can't afford
extras in this film.
So, we'll just, uh, drizzle
out of this scene too, huh?
[HOOTING]
-Who-- who-- who could believe
that this film was made?
-A normal sized owl.
Who would have thought it?
-Yeah, crummy little--
I have to sit up here.
Where the hell'd
the bee go anyway?
-It "bee" gone.
-I have to sit here,
don't even have my roid
cushion and anything.
-Heh, cute old lemur.
Hey, he's eating his pen.
-Ha, ha.
Kooky.
-Here, suck on a
little JD, buddy.
-Hi, I'm back.
Let's watch the fun, huh?
Yeah, dig it.
Come on, finish it.
Finish it.
-Chug it.
Chug.
Chug.
-Cannon ball.
-Whoa.
-Hey, save some for daddy.
No, Daddy needs his medicine.
Uh-huh.
-Hey, give me some of that.
I invented JD.
-Cute little guy there.
Yeah, get away from
me, you little rat.
-Uh, why don't you, uh, wake up
the girls, so they can scream?
-Good idea.
-Ah-- ah-- it's a--
sna-- sna-- a sna-- kuh.
-I'm filled with shame.
-Hey, no sudden moves, pal.
While I'm making
these guys sweat,
here's Ed Herlihy
with another recipe.
Ed.
-Thank you, Satan.
Yes, it's Polynesian
cheese devils.
Fill your mouth up with
half a Kraft hot dog,
put ketchup all over your
face, and then spit it back
out, saying, my
tongue, my tongue.
We'll be right back.
-Hey, is that a snake, or is
Steve just glad to see me.
-Hey, don't get any
funny ideas, pal.
I'm Satan.
I rule.
Ah, I've seen better.
I wouldn't waste
my venom on you.
Join us next week
on Kraft Music Hall.
Our guests will be Liza
Minnelli and Desi Arnaz, Jr.
You might be interested in
some of our other wide variety
of cheese products we at Kraft
take pleasure in bringing you.
Good night, and God bless.
Not.
I gotta run.
[ROARING]
-Ooh.
Yikes.
-I just had this crazy dream.
It was erotic.
-What a weird planet.
Lemurs?
Ooh.
-Now, where is that tall tower?
-Are you sure you're
all right, Ralph?
-In the pink.
There's nothing like a
good quiet night's sleep.
-Jeez, I'm sorry.
More shame on me.
---to get back to the
ship for any reason,
the best way is along the
shoreline of the lake.
It's too easy to get lost
going through the jungle.
Nora, we better travel light.
-Going through the jungle.
-We've got to pick up
that raft on the way.
By the way, there's a flare gun
in each of those rubber rafts.
If you're not back by dark,
you better fire a couple.
If you're OK, make it white.
-Uh, Bobby, got a little lemur?
-Better yet, just
stay out of trouble.
And take good care of Joe.
I'm getting very fond of him.
-Hey, I saw him first.
-See ya later, fellas.
-See you later, alligator.
[CHUCKLING]
-I love their culottes.
-Now for you, little
lady, my lady love--
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-(SINGING) This is my box.
This is my radio.
This is the case that I
use to store my stuff.
This is my microscope.
I'll look through it.
These are the things--
-Do you remember any
of your chemistry?
-Enough to know about
the chemistry between us.
-Whoa, Tom Gries, dialogue
writer extraordinaire.
-Let's get this thing over
with so we can get home.
-That time can't
come too soon for me.
-Hey, she's too
ashamed to look at him.
-Ah, brought this
big egg roll along.
It turns into a futon.
-You know, honey, you
haven't lived until you've
been up to the chain of
lakes up by Lake Millacks
and nailed one of the
big jacks, you know?
You're going to love
fishing up here, you know?
We're going to
get a wall hanger.
I'm positive of it.
I'm sure.
Did you bring uncle
Josh's pork rinds?
Or some poppers, maybe
to get some croppies.
Then we'll head into
rhinelander and maybe get
some pizza and beer.
I'll take you dancing.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Hm.
-Oh, cut.
Cut.
-I've gone blind.
-Oh.
-Oh.
Somebody's having a blackout.
Well, we'll just put in
here by the turd pond.
-Well, the label said this
was an inflatable bridge.
Oh, nuts.
It's a raft.
-Well, time to drown the lemur.
-Boy, that guy really
is into safe boating.
-Hey, good thing he
brought his jimmy boat.
-Yep.
-Whoa.
-Come on, boy.
Joe, come on.
-Hey, shut up.
I'm eating over here.
-Joe, come on.
-Goodbye, Joe.
Me gotta go.
-Ouch.
Hey, that hurts.
Come on.
-Let's shove off.
-Shove off yourself, pal.
Oh, you guys are
just plain rude.
There's no excuse for it.
Ooh.
Ow, watch the merchandise, lady.
Push me.
Whee!
-Hey, they're almost there.
That's a short trip.
-It looks pretty barren.
-This was your idea.
-Look at the flock of birds.
-Where?
-Where?
-Birds, where?
--So that's where those
vultures have been coming from.
There must be something on
the island that attracts them.
-Like death?
-It looks a little forbidding.
-Hm, a lot forbidding
if you ask me.
-That shore doesn't
look too bad.
Let's paddle over that way.
-A little scummy, but--
through the filth.
-Arr, Jim, boy.
Arr.
-We stepped out of the boat
into knee-deep scum-- the rest
of film.
-Her socks love that, I'm sure.
So what happened to the lemur?
-I don't know.
-It doesn't travel well.
-Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Owie.
-Listen.
-Just thunder.
-Oh, actually that's jet noise.
-Oh, I'll fix it in post.
-Nice pan.
Thank you very much.
-It's much colder here.
-Ow.
Hey, I thought you
were my friends.
-Whoa.
-I'll put the raft over there.
-On that sharp rock.
[HISSING]
-Oh, viewmaster.
-Ah, sharp rocks.
I'll have to tell
Richard about that.
-Here, take Joe.
-Here, give me him.
I'll show you how to
handle that thing.
I learned this from LBJ.
Come on.
-Hey, hey!
Come on.
I got hands.
Take it easy.
-Time for a nice long
walking sequence.
[HUMMING]
[ROARING]
-Dick, there's a
pair of those birds.
-Huh-- two seagulls,
Gertrude and Heathcliff.
-Are those normal
size or real size?
-Ah, they don't tell us that.
-Nope.
-Bye.
That was exciting.
-I can see them walking,
and they saw two vultures.
This is great.
-Learn anything?
-Yeah, you're the father.
-Lots of things.
-Like what, for instance?
-Like for instance, you
may be a wonderful doctor,
but you're an awful patient.
-That's a privilege that
only a doctor can afford.
-Hm?
-Seriously, what have you
gotten from all these tests?
-What that a joke?
-I don't know.
-There's lots of bacteria that
exist here that don't on Earth.
-And it's all attracted to you.
-Which means stay healthy
because there might not
be a cure for them, right?
-Right.
-And then?
-What a desolate,
forsaken place.
-What a stilted,
pretentious line.
-Almost an animal roar.
-It still sounds
like thunder to me.
-Um, that lemur did a little
number on your shit, pal.
-I'd really like to go back now.
I think you'll find
only evil here.
I bring a message from Gorgile.
He tells you not to come here.
Please, I implore you.
Please, listen to the
sacred writings I bring.
-Well, we're getting a lot of
mileage out of that lemur bit.
-Well, thanks.
-Looks like a cave
up on that ledge.
-Let me work the gun, please?
-OK.
-Almost got an Ivan
Tors series going here.
-Intoxicating.
-Whoa, a trombone.
There must be 76 of them.
I think there's 110
cornets right behind.
[SCREAMING]
-Look at that guy.
He's beautiful.
-(WHISTLING) Here, boy.
Come here.
Come on.
Isn't he cute?
Come on over here.
You want to meet Joey?
-No, no.
I told you this would happen.
Please.
I implore you.
Get out of here.
He's evil.
-Lizards don't stand erect.
-Hey, watch it.
I'm a herbivore.
-Do you think he's getting
paid "scale," you guys?
[GROANING]
-Well, that's it.
Take it out of the woman again.
-My gun's jammed.
-Hey, throw me the lemur.
That's all I want.
-Hey, please don't
I'm your friend.
-Come back.
Come back.
-Well, throw me the girl.
-Whee!
-There you go.
-Where are we going?
-There's an opening down there.
Get in it.
-An opening?
-There's a "help
wanted" sign down there.
-Oh.
[GUNFIRE]
-Hey, I may look slimy, but
I'm pleasing to the touch.
I'm friendly and
docile, and I like
long, romantic walks
along the beach.
Ah, that's my rec room.
Excuse the mess.
Just throw that skin anywhere.
And before you take me into
your heart, I should mention,
I eat my young.
Did I say that before?
-Joe?
Where's Joe?
-Ah, just minding
my own business,
unaware of the events that
are about to happen to me.
-I'll get him.
-Dick, don't go.
-Go back for the lemur.
-Unloaded.
-We may have to shoot
with that camera.
-Dick!
-Darn fool kid.
[SCREAMING]
-Dick!
-Damn lemur did this to me.
-I can see you.
Don't get me mad.
-Have a little fire, scarecrow.
-This is no time
for love, Steve.
[WHISTLING]
-Hey, nice chest, pal.
-Not half bad.
-Oh.
-And can you believe it?
I pay 1800 a week
for that place.
-Oh, dropping rocks.
[CLEARING THROAT]
-Oh, we've got to split.
-Oh, yeah?
-OK.
Come on.
-Swing it up.
It says yet.
Take the shot.
Count it down.
NARRATOR: And now it's time
for another exciting episode
of emotional scientist,
starring Joel
Robinson as Albert Einstein.
-Oh, let's see here, I've almost
got the Theory of Relativity.
Oh, that just makes me so sad
when I-- (DROPPING ACCENT)
I can't do this, you guys.
I don't--
NARRATOR: Joel,
what's the matter?
-I can't-- for one thing, I
can't do an Albert Einstein.
I sound like an East Indian.
And I don't see
why I always have
to be the one dressing
up in the dumb costumes.
I don't get it.
-What's the matter with you?
Don't you know what it is
to put on that greasepaint,
don that theatrical mask,
get up on that stage,
and-- and sing and dance
your dear little heart out?
[SOBBING]
-Crow, you are becoming so camp,
you make me want to throw up.
Now listen, if you
guys want to go on
with your little
irrelevant sketches
and keep donning your
little costumes and makeup,
go right ahead.
But just count me
out of it, all right?
NARRATOR: Now wait,
at least you can
hold up the title card for us.
Geez.
OK, come on.
Clear it, people.
We've got a sketch to do.
And now it's time for another
exciting episode of Emotional
Scientist, starring
Crow as Madame Curie.
-Well, I should be discovering
the theory of radium
pretty soon, I think.
And then I'm going to go to
that Jerry Lewis Film Festival.
Oh, what's the use?
I'm having a bad day.
Nobody understands my needs.
It's that time of--
(DROPPING ACCENT) oh, geez.
You know, Joel's right.
I can't even do a good
accent on this thing either.
Get this thing off me.
I quit.
-He's right.
You're right.
We've been fools to think
that robots can be actors.
We're trapped in outer space.
We couldn't even go to New
York and study with Uta Hagen
if we wanted to.
[SOBBING]
-Oh.
Come on, you guys.
Please, don't be like that.
I can't stand to see
you so upset like this.
I'm sorry.
I know-- OK, I realize
that these sketches
are important to you.
I'm sorry, OK?
NARRATOR: Geez, Joel.
You know, it never
ceases to amaze me
how you continue to
take personal inventory,
and then when you're wrong,
you promptly admit it.
-Oh, thanks a lot.
I like you guys a lot too.
And I know two robots and a
human that have a sketch to do.
-Oh, boy.
NARRATOR: And Now it's time
for another exciting episode
of Emotional Scientist, starring
Joel Robinson as Jerry Lewis,
Crow as Steve Martin, and
Tom Servo as Enrico Fermi.
[IMITATING ITALIAN]
[IMITATING ITALIAN]
-Thanks for playing along, Joel.
-That was fun.
-Yeah.
-What's going on?
You think he's going to
get him for flushing him
down the toilet?
-Yep, I think so.
-Here he goes.
-Hey, can't you see I'm working
this side of the street?
Get out of here.
-Are they going to fight over
who tastes more like chicken?
-Hey, yeah.
I'd like a piece of that.
-Please.
[PURRING]
-Come on, you knuckle-nob.
Come on, I got you.
-Hey, those aren't real tears.
I've heard about you.
-Yeah, you're right.
-Nobody's going to believe this.
-You mean this movie?
-Hey, Nastacia, kids-- oh, no.
No.
Fingers are right, though.
-Now, we'll be playing by
Marquis of Queensbury rules.
-Oh-ho!
Leaping lizards.
-Hey, thanks for the jump cut.
-I'll just watch from up here.
-Who's that?
-The ref.
That's the ref.
-Oh.
-Whoa.
-It's Saturday night at
ringside, ladies and gentlemen,
featuring gecco-Roman wrestling.
-I'm gonna make a handbag
out of you, gator.
-Ouch.
-Yes, folks.
Thrill to the exciting,
the most exciting fight
of the Precambrian era.
-Hey, I want in on
some of that action.
-Ah!
-Oh.
-Hey.
-Hey, Mr. Lippert, I'm appalled.
Get Betty White on
the phone, Joel.
-Oh, really.
-I feel sick.
-Hand me that very pistol.
-What good will that do?
-Are you thinking
of Ralph and Pam?
-I hate to bring them into this.
-Better than them us.
-It's the only way out of here.
-I'm gonna load up
the Steeley Dan.
-Stay right here.
Don't move.
-You try to keep-- blacking out?
-This scene opens with
Macbeth pacing the stage.
Suddenly, he walks upstage
and addresses the audience.
-Tomorrow and
tomorrow and tomorrow.
Get away.
Creeps--
-I hear it.
I hear it.
[SCREAMING]
-Lizards?
That's terrible.
Must get to the-- top--
-They insisted on
doing their own stunts.
-Yeah, it's painful.
--the hill and fire
my little magic gun.
-Ooh.
Ahh.
-Oh, beautiful.
[WHISTLING]
-Grand finale.
-I love those flower baskets.
-Mm-hmm.
-Look, the flare.
-Hm, a red flare, Pat.
-That means lizard wrestling.
Red flare at night,
lizards fight.
Red flare in the morning,
lizards take warning.
Wow.
-Uh, Mr. Goodwrench, you
forgot your car battery.
-Oh, sorry.
Almost forgot.
-You know, have you guys
considered counseling?
-No, this is-- this is
American Tourister Gladiators.
Suitcases.
-This is what happens to
your luggage at the airport.
-Oh, you twisted my
wrist, you beast!
-Ow, ow, ow, ow.
-You know, you do
taste like chicken.
-Uh, Joel.
We did that one already.
-Oh, we did?
Well, it was a callback.
-Whatever you say.
-How about this one?
They're gonna chew
the fat for a while.
-I think, uh, you better
do another callback.
-Will you guys knock
it off? i can't
concentrate on my
own lame wisecracks.
-Good.
-Got a little, uh, sprucy syrup.
-I might be dead, but
uh, I won on points.
-I feel like I'm
watching "Mondo Cane."
-Yes, twas beast
killed the beast.
-I'm out of here.
-Oh!
-Don't think I forgot about you.
Give you half an hour to
escape, and what do you do?
You stay here.
Goodbye.
-Well, anyway, you've never
really fished until you've been
up to the chain of lake-- one
of these big jacks-- you know,
and then we-- break
out the hula pop--
-Meanwhile, at the
superimposed rocket.
-Well, anyway, we thought
we'd go to the chain of lakes,
maybe go to Lake
Millacks, or something.
Get some of Uncle
Josh's pork rinds,
and then we could head up to
rhinelander, do some dancing,
have some beers, eat
some pizza, maybe go
to the big snowmobile show.
-Thank you.
You know how high
that flare would
have to have gone
for them to see it?
Can you believe this?
-Throw it into the-- [HISSING].
-You know, Tom, if you're
looking for plausibility
in this film, you won't
find it here, friend.
-You're right.
-Hey, they made it already.
[ROARING]
-It resembles the Tyrannosaurus
Rex of Earth's prehistoric age.
-No, it doesn't.
-Sorry, no way.
King Dinosaur.
-Have breakfast with the king.
-Sorry, that's a
lizard from Pet World.
--just as similar ones dominated
Earth 125 million years ago.
It's like living in the past.
-It's an iguana.
-Come on.
-Good likeness, isn't it?
-Well, who cares?
No one's ever going to believe
us anyway, if we ever--
[LAUGHTER]
-That's a scientist for you.
-Hey, help me.
I don't like it when you fight.
-Meanwhile, three days later.
-And anyway, there's some
real big jacks on this lake,
and I'm sure that
if we just get some
time to drown a few slugs--
-Hey, look.
Lemur scat.
We must be getting close.
-Looks like Bob's.
-Listen to this music.
-What of Paul's love for Lena?
Will the lizards find
peace in the valley?
And what of little
Joey, the lemur?
You'll find out this and more--
-What's he gonna do,
gull him to death?
-Ah, let me in there.
-If you come out
of the woods today,
you're in for a big surprise.
If you're-- come
on, keep up with me.
You go into the woods today,
you won't believe your eyes.
[HUMMING].
Teddy bears having a picnic.
-You know, they're
gonna be there tomorrow
afternoon at this pace.
-La, la, la.
-La, la, la.
-Who's this guy?
I don't know.
-And that's the day the teddy
bears have their picnic.
-Take my hand.
I'm a stranger with parasites.
-Why do you have to bring
your shoes everywhere?
-Give me that photo.
It's not a good likeness.
It looks like my passport photo.
-Mm.
-That's the day the
teddy bears-- huh?
-We're closer.
-Yeah, the thing's lighter.
-In that canyon.
-Snack canyon.
-If you go out into
the woods today,
you're in for a big surprise.
-Oh come on, shut up.
I need that song.
-Well, you're the one
who started singing it.
-No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did.
-Hey, come on, you guys.
Stop fighting.
-Sorry.
I was doing a callback.
[CHUCKLING]
-Nyah, nyah.
-Sorry.
-Huh?
-What?
What's going-- oh.
-Oh Ralph, what is it?
-It's an iguana.
Now, shut up.
-I don't know.
Something prehistoric.
-Oh, it's horrible.
-Oh, why do you have
to be so negative.
-Shoot it with something.
-What with?
That won't do any good.
-Whoa.
[YAWNING]
-Hey, let go of my tail.
I want to get down there
and mix it up a bit.
-Well, do something.
-Anything.
-We've got to get to them.
-No, they've got to get to us.
-OK, Joel.
I got $5 on the lizard.
-Get your money out.
-OK, I'll take your money.
OK, no problem.
Hey Crow, you're
witness to that, OK?
-Hey, I want in on this action.
-OK.
-I'll bet 10 that they're are
killed at the end of the film.
-OK.
I'm holding the money.
-Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What about our bet?
That's not fair.
-Hey, you don't understand.
I'm playing the part of
the expensive middleman.
This way, we all win.
-Oh.
-Huh?
-Buddy, if you pick at
it, it'll never heal.
Whoa.
-Oh.
-Ooh, Jesus.
-Ah, come on, lizard.
Come on.
Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.
Come on, i got money on this.
-Luck, be a lizard tonight.
Come on.
-Help.
I'm hooked in your braces.
[MUFFLED]
-I saw this on
"Midnight Express" once.
-Ouch.
-Oh, that'd be a lot
more fun on a toboggan.
-That sounds like
lizards dropping.
-Sorry I tore your picture.
-Sorry I ripped your dress.
-Sorry I smashed your lunchbox.
-Sorry I broke your heart.
-Giant mutated lizards-- wish
we had some pictures of it.
-Doh!
-They're running through
dino-scat over there.
-Faster.
-Up yours.
I mean, we'll be right there.
[GROANING]
-I don't care if you are a
lizard, that has to hurt.
-Oh, man.
That's got to really sting.
-Get up there, you
stupid culotted little--
-Oh, Ralph.
Will they make it?
-Sure, they're going to make it.
-Or they're going to die trying.
-Come on.
-Come on, you buttheads.
-You know, guys,
lizards were hurt
in the making of this film.
-Ah!
-That's almost a reversal.
That would have been two points.
-Oh, I'm filled with shame.
Oh, Rob.
-All right, now that that's
done, where's Lipper.t
I'm coming for you.
Payback time.
-Yeah.
-Looks like a
Cajun cooking show.
-Oh, honey.
-I brought the atom bomb.
I think it's a good
time to use it.
-Oh, that's your
answer to everything.
just use the atom bomb.
-Hey, what's going
on, peace friends?
-It's set for 8 o'clock.
-And right now, it's
30 seconds to 8:00.
-Whoa!
-Oh, it's a joke.
-(LAUGHING) I win.
Ha, ha, ha!
And I know where you live.
-Whoa-ho, wrong turn, friends.
-Ah, big and-- ah, yes.
-Hey, what did he ever do?
-He was on the
cover of "Tarkus."
-Oh, OK.
Shoot him.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Na, na, na-- this music
sounds like it was written
by Lori Strong,
you know the girl
who teased me in third grade.
-Even the musicians
are mocking this film.
-Nyah, nyah, nyah--
-Oh, it sounded
like an airplane.
-Oh, I just want to be friends.
Please come back.
My friends.
-You know, sometimes
my own species
makes me feel ashamed, what
they're doing to this dinosaur.
-Come on, let's go.
-Whoa.
-I'm your new boyfriend now.
Ha, ha.
-Everybody panic.
[SCREAMING]
-When in danger or in doubt, run
in circles, scream and shout.
Whoa!
Help me.
-There they go.
-Calm and reassured.
-Nyah, nyah, nyah--
-Oh, welcome to Pamplona.
-This week on
"Living Dangerously,"
hand-delivered atomic bombs.
-Green alligators,
long-necked geese, and--
-Monkey-back camel, and I
saw chimpanzees up there.
-I'm coming, beaty boy, ooh-hoo.
-Wow.
-Get a load of this.
How did they get him
to shake like that?
-They covered him
with shag carpeting.
-Poor elephant.
-I'm not an animal.
-It's a good shot.
[SHOUT]
-If you go out in
the woods today,
you're in for a big surprise.
Heh.
-Save yourselves, man.
There's a bomb back there.
-Nyah, nyah, nyah--
-Ugh.
-This is an exciting run.
-Whoa.
-Hey, it's the MGM lion.
-No, it's the Lippert lizard.
-OK, you beat me.
Get out of here, you bums.
Take--
-Why can't they stop
hurting each other?
Come on, man.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Jeepers, friends.
Wait for me.
-I was wondering about him.
-To the beach!
Kind of like Dunkirk,
isn't it, guys?
-I'm just a poor turtle.
Help, Mr. Wizard.
Help.
-Hey!
-Hey!
-Hey!
-They're leaving
the other boats.
-Uh, I think that's
for the lemur.
-Oh.
-Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke.
-Hey, get me.
I'm a Hasidic rabbi.
Shalom.
-Kind of like you're
on "Hawaii 5-0!"
-Ah, phooey.
No one got the joke.
-I think he's just scooping
water into the boat there.
-Hm.
-Hey, anybody have the time?
There's a little matter
of an atomic bomb.
-Oh, yeah.
-(SINGING) Your careers
are finally almost over.
You'll never be in another film.
You may end up in the
"Psychotronic Film Guide."
-Huh?
-Hey, isn't that
where Bob upchucked?
It looks like the
Valdez has been here.
And there's something-- I can
taste carrots in the water.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Huh?
Uh-oh.
You know, I think
the film on this lake
is better than the
film we're watching.
-Look, he's pushing her
down again for no reason.
Look at him.
That's terrible.
-Just tear out of there.
-Let's go.
-Hurry up.
-Cheese it, everyone.
-Don't forget me.
Please.
-Oh, they tripped
over a burial mound.
How fitting.
-You should just
pull her by her hair.
-Oops.
-Damn.
-Ahh!
-That's the biggest
firework of all.
-Looks like the beginning
of "Petticoat Junction."
Petticoat Armageddon.
-Shouldn't they be covering
their faces or something?
Or shields or--
-Uh, why?
-I don't know.
It just--
-Nuclear blast fallout?
-Yeah.
-Uh, we did the right
thing, didn't we?
They'd never surrender.
It was right for
us to blow them up.
-Thanks for annihilating
everything I know.
-You know, they're only
two miles from the blast.
Aren't they going
to get vaporized?
-I hope so.
Well, it's an atom
bomb light, actually.
1/3 as destructive
as our other bomb.
-Oh.
-Well, score one for Earth.
-Well, we've done it.
-Not a word of this gets out to
the people on Earth, all right?
-We sure have done it.
We brought civilization
to Planet Nova.
-Ha, was that irony?
-Come on.
-This late in the film?
-Let's go home.
-Yeah, let's go home and
grow some three-headed kids.
-Hey, there's a certain
glow about June.
Heh-- it's a-- never mind.
-And so with peace
in their hearts
and fiery death in the
sky, they went home.
-Kinda pretty in an ugly way.
-I like it.
Bah.
-Hey--
-You guys, that's the
fourth Robert Lippert
film we've seen
in as many months.
Remember "Rocketship
XM," "Jungle Goddess,"
"Lost Continent," and now
this one, "King Dinosaur."
I've never even seen
a Kurosawa film.
Works of Francois Truffaut?
Uh-uh.
Not familiar with them.
Sorry.
Odessa steps sequence?
I don't think I know that one.
No.
And yet I'm intimately familiar,
with a frame-by-frame basis,
with a major part of one
Robert L. Lippert's output.
Why?
Why?
Why?
I don't understand it.
I--
-Crow.
Crow.
Hey, take it easy.
There's no need to--
-Hey, Crow's right, Joel.
You know, there's only so
much that we can take, really.
-Well, the fact
is, you guys might
be surprised to know that Robert
Lippert was quite an innovator
in his time.
-Oh, really?
-In fact, I've prepared a
special presentation using
our--
-No, no, no, no.
No you don't.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-Oh, You don't want to see that?
Well, fortunately Cambot
and I have worked up
a little sound and light show.
Cambot, cue that up, please.
-No.
Stop the music.
Cue that light, Cambot,
or I'll kill you.
-That's better.
-Well, I don't see
why it would bug you
that I would try
to do such a thing.
-Because those artist's
renderings, musical tributes,
I don't think so, Joel.
Come on.
-I'm just trying
to show you that--
-Joel, Lippert is not worth it.
No, no.
-Well, there's just
one thing that he
did that I would
like to show you,
because I spent a lot of time
in the shop working on it.
Here it is.
-Show us your little toy.
-Robert Lippert was
the first filmmaker
to ever use a thing
called a theremin.
And a theremin creates
a body of particles.
And when you interrupt
the particles,
it changes the sound.
You may have heard it in
other space movies before.
-Sure.
-Here, let's turn it on here.
Let's try it.
-Oh, that's rather
pleasing, isn't it?
-Yeah.
-Neat.
-Whoa.
That's interesting
the way it changes--
-Sounds like--
-Well, thank you
very much for sharing
your little toy with us, Joel.
You can turn it
off any time, now.
-Thank you.
-It starts to get a little--
-Thank you, Robert Klein.
Thank you.
-Thanks a lot.
OK, so why don't you take that
down to your cabin, there Joel?
Joel?
I guess it's up to us to
take care of business.
-Guess so.
[CRASHING]
-Oh, just set that
anywhere, Joel.
Hope he didn't break it.
Well, so let's read this
letter that's down here.
-Yep, go ahead.
-Uh, after he leaves.
Joel, could you please--
so it says here--
[CRASHING]
-Joel, if it bends it's funny.
If it breaks, it's not funny.
-Yikes.
OK, it says, dear
sirs, it's us again,
the Mistys from Milwaukee,
with our weekly approbations
of doom.
As usual, we-- uh,
thank you, Joel-- we
had a great time
with the latest show.
We wanted to point out a
few things regarding the--
[CRASHING]
-Thank you again, Joel.
Enclosed-- hey, they
enclosed some scorecards.
Hey Cambot, put these up.
These are really interesting.
Now look, they actually rate
us on a scale of 1 to 10
on the movie, on sarcasm,
on the invention exchange,
and these host segments.
What are host segments?
-Uh, I don't know.
-Got me on that one.
OK, now what are we
supposed to do now?
-Uh, say something
to the scientists.
-Oh.
Hey guys, are you watching?
How did it go?
What do you think?
-I think we should go
to the Kurosawa Festival
at the Geripera Cinema.
What do you think, Frank?
-Oh, forget that.
What about the theremin?
Woo--
-I have another idea.
Until next time, Joel-y.
-Rest.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
distant future, next Sunday, AD,
there was a guy named Joel, not
too different from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic
Institute, just another face
in a red jump suit.
He did a good job
cleaning up the place,
but his bosses didn't like him,
so they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst we can find.
La, la, la.
He'll have to sit
and watch them all,
and we'll monitor his mind.
Now, keep in mind,
Joel can't control
where the movies begin
or end, because he
used those special parts
to make his robot friends.
Robot roll call.
Cambot.
Pan Left.
Gypsy.
Hi, girl.
Tom Servo.
What a cool guy.
Crow!
He's a wisecracker.
If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes
and other science
facts-- la, la, la-- then
repeat to yourself,
it's just a show.
I should really just relax.
For Mystery Science
Theater 3000.
-No.
No, to me, you guys, it's more
like a moment of pure epiphany,
you know?
Outside.
Oh, hi.
Welcome to the
Satellite of Love.
We'll be right with you, OK?
-Rave on, Joel Robinson.
-Rave on, my holy fool.
-All right, dig this.
[ROBOTS SCATTING]
-Once there were big
billows of pure spirit.
I-- we'd run through
it like a sprinkler.
I'd try to send it
down baffles and tubes.
Through accident and
experiment, I worked the smoke,
keeping it at my bedside like
a humidifier, a steady stream.
Some nights, like a
dream, I'd see it sputter.
The thing is just a curl now.
Time to get on my shoes and
find that billow of pure spirit.
I traded away my smoke
tools months ago.
Who needs them when you've
got that steady stream?
VOICE (ON LOUDSPEAKER):
Commercial sign in 15 seconds.
-All right, we're
almost done here.
The little stream by
my bed is at its end.
I may not even recognize
the big bale in the cold.
But what good's life
without some pure spirit.
VOICE (ON LOUDSPEAKER):
Commercial sign
in five, four, three, two.
Commercial sign off.
-Yes, yes.
Psycho-cali-funka-delic-expiala-dexy!
-No, I'm pretty sure, you guys,
I-- it's not supposed to rhyme.
It doesn't have to.
-Oh.
-Oh, kind of like a haiku.
Mm-hmm.
Go ahead.
You want to do your thing now?
-Yeah.
My name is Crow.
I'm a Pisces.
And I like a girl who's quiet.
Float, floata.
-I want to-- uh,
do you mind if I--
-Oh.
Yeah, that's fine.
That's-- I'm done.
-Well, hello, Sir
Goofus Von Drake-snot.
How's the poetry enclave going?
Still trying to teach those
little bots about emotions,
huh?
Well, you caught
us at a bad time.
I'm right in the middle
of finishing the elevator,
and Frank's getting
ready for his hat party.
-Mine's going to be
the grandest of all.
-Yep.
Hey, it there's one thing I've
told you about those bots,
only hate and snap
judgment are going
to guide them
through the future.
-Uh, Dr. Forrester, you want
to come over here a second
and-- oh, what's this for?
-No!
-Oh.
-Oh, man.
They crushed you, didn't they?
It's probably all hot
and it hurts and stuff.
Does this mean we get to do
the invention exchange first?
-No, you don't get to do the
invention exchange first.
Frank, go and get that
unicycle with the monster truck
tire on it.
-Oh, you mean the one
used for crushing mimes,
your naughtiness?
-Yes, the one used
for crushing mimes.
Frank, Frank!
Don't let me fall.
You make me fall,
I'm going to shove
bees in your nose and
bugs down your shirt.
-Would it help to
say, I'm sorry?
-Frank, look at me.
OK, I'm the invention
exchange this week.
Are you happy now?
All right, everybody gather
around and take a big long gawk
at the pocket scientist.
[LAUGHING]
-Wow.
[INAUDIBLE], man.
Oh.
Hey, nice improvisation
on a standard theme.
Joel?
-Thanks, Carl.
Well, this week's
invention exchange for me
today is of really
an organic nature.
I kind of created it
accidentally, really.
But when you've been marooned
in space as long as I have,
some of your personal effects
can get to be a bit randy.
So I came up with this, the
incredibly stinky sweat socks.
[GROANING]
-Works every time.
-Oh, you got it.
That's it.
All right, OK.
Put me down.
Get off of me.
Jerry, Jerry, lose
the apron, all right?
And as for you, you
barnacle built for two,
you're somehow responsible
for my spine getting snapped.
I'm all right, Frank.
And so you're going to
have to pay in pain.
All right, Frank.
And your first film, rather
fittingly, is a safety film.
And then we're going
to follow that up
with another
Lippert masterpiece.
OK, Frank.
I'm fine, all right?
And you, mow it, you taco-head.
Come on, get out of here.
Come on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[ALARM]
-Oh, we got movie sign.
-Hey, you don't have those
stinky socks with you?
-Now I know who
the stinky guy is.
-Hey.
-Ha, "Marks the Spot."
Is that, like, "Max, the Knife?"
-No, I think it's about a
dog who changed his name.
-Look, down there,
Raymond Carver.
This must be a short.
-And Webber the grill magnate.
-Little bit of a
stretch there, I'd say.
-Me?
-Yeah.
-And George Matthews
as The Beaver.
-You do that every movie.
-It's-- well, you know.
-Yeah, it's neat.
-It's in the contract.
-It's credits.
You gotta do that.
-And who's the commissioner?
-Arthur W. Magee.
-Arthur Magee and Molly.
-He-he-he.
--and these fabled
traffic accidents--
-Mm-hmm.
--involving key workers
in New Jersey war plants--
-When did you start
having these feelings
that you were a commissioner?
--makes it imperative that
we open a second front.
-God, I love you.
I want to shout it
from my oxygen tent.
-Is this for immediately
release, Commissioner?
-No, sit on it for a while.
-The loss of life or
any disabling injury
to a war worker means a definite
setback to our war program.
-If you kill yourselves here,
we can't kill them over there.
-We kill, we maimed--
-Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
--our fellow countrymen
without malice,
without hatred,
without thinking.
-Without energy.
Would you wake up?
Come on.
--to conserve the
lives of the people.
-Mm-hmm.
-And to improve
traffic conditions.
-Im-pwove twaffic conditions.
-Imagine, if you
will, a New Jersey
city with a population
of over 20,000.
-I can almost see it.
COMMISSIONER (OFFSCREEN): Enough
people to fill a large stadium.
[CHEERING]
-Free bird!
COMMISSIONER (OFFSCREEN): --are
to suddenly removed by death
or injury--
-Wow, looks like a
Gino Vannelli concert.
-Who?
--some idea of the
annual traffic toll
in the state of
New Jersey alone.
-Wow.
You can't see it from
here, but my torso
was fused to a block of granite.
-But most of the drivers and
pedestrians who were involved
didn't break all the rules.
-Just some.
-Just once in a while, they
were careless or inconsiderate--
-Or they didn't want to
live in New Jersey anymore.
-Which is-- oh?
NARRATOR: Yes, driving and
walking in modern traffic
is often careless,
inconsiderate,
and from the automobile
point of view--
-But I get a kick out of it.
NARRATOR: --sometimes fantastic.
-It's fabulous!
NARRATOR: --traffic is
a bit fantastic too.
It's about a car.
-Bing!
-It's called parallel
universe parking.
NARRATOR: --the kind you need
these days to get home in.
And it must be a safe car.
One that--
-This one checks out.
NARRATOR: And then there's a
driver, a guy named Joe Doakes.
-Hi, how you doing.
I'm Joe.
See ya.
NARRATOR: Yeah, he
does look familiar.
Sure, he lives on your street.
-In fact, he's under
your bed right now.
-Oh!
-Oh!
NARRATOR: Sorry.
Don't get sore, Joe.
Just absentminded--
left his car in gear.
-Let it go.
-Oh!
NARRATOR: Well,
what do you know?
-He uses the Braille system.
NARRATOR: That a boy, Joe.
Count 10.
Maybe Joe will be
different this time.
-Oh!
-Oh, this is scary.
NARRATOR: There he goes again,
pulling away from the curb--
-Thank you.
Have a nice day.
NARRATOR: Well,
as we were saying,
Joe didn't have much
patience in traffic.
Joe used to say--
-If you're going to bury
a body in a shallow grave,
make sure you use Quickline.
Heh, heh!
Well, he used to say that.
NARRATOR: Now take a
situation like this.
If Joe were in a
hurry, it seemed
there was always somebody in
his way, some inconsiderate guy.
-Yep.
NARRATOR: Well, if he can
get around him and beat
that light at the next corner.
-Hey, buddy.
What are you doing?
-Hot dog!
I got a date with death.
NARRATOR: There goes the light.
-Whoa!
NARRATOR: You see how it is?
As Joe often said--
-Oh, I've enjoyed this
good-natured ribbing.
-Thank you!
Thank you very much.
Thanks for almost killing me.
-Yeah, you--
-That's it.
Take me to 3rd Street.
NARRATOR: Ah, look at that.
As Joe says,
traffic these days--
-Thank you.
NARRATOR: --would
drive a guy nuts.
[GROANING]
NARRATOR: How do you like that?
Didn't even close the door.
[HONKING]
-Hey, it's crazy Guggenheim!
NARRATOR: Well, let's leave
Joe to straighten this one out
while we get on with the story.
Now, there was a street
intersection not far
from where Joe lived.
-We call it Blood Alley.
NARRATOR: You pass it every day.
No signals or stop signs, not
much traffic, one of those
places where nobody
bothered to slow down--
a good place for an accident.
-Makes you feel happy.
NARRATOR: Here comes a car
now from one direction.
-What?
NARRATOR: Uh-oh.
Here comes Joe from the other.
-Let's watch the fun.
We think the joke
will be on Joe!
[TIRES SQUEALING]
-I guess he can't be a witness.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
--tragic accident--
--there's a sliver over there--
-(IRISH ACCENT)
All right, folks,
there's a two drink minimum now.
NARRATOR: He's Joe Doakes,
a neighbor of mine.
He's got a lovely wife and
two beautiful children.
-Now I make my move.
NARRATOR: Seemed like
a swell guy, Joe did.
-Well, except when he ate.
-Shows over-- or maybe not.
-Joe?
Crypto-Joe.
-It wasn't my fault.
I had the right of way.
-Ah, tell it to the corpse, pal.
-I was only doing
15 miles an hour.
Hey, where is that guy?
-Uh, he's with your wife, Joe.
-I've been a careful
driver all my life.
-Yeah.
-Ask my wife.
She'll tell you.
I've been driving for
15 years, and I never--
-Hey.
Is that Patrick Swayze's father?
-Mm-hmm.
-Are you George Bailey?
Oh, sorry.
Wrong film.
-No use wasting time
with these mortals.
They can't help you anymore.
-Hey, it's Elton John in hell.
--my neighbors, my friends.
They'll understand.
I know them.
-Yeah, you used to know them.
-Yeah, they're your
pallbearers now.
-Come on.
-Take my hand.
-Upsy-daisy.
You've got some tall
explaining to do.
-Do you think they're going
to talk about how Ugly
that guy is?
-Hm.
-Come on, let's go
talk to Hamlet's dad.
-There's Mr. Jordan.
Hey, now over there,
that's Mick Jagger's cloud.
Stay off of it.
-Now, this isn't one of those
high school dreams where
they're going to have him
walk around naked, or--
-I don't think so.
-Got a class he forgot
about until now.
Huh.
What is this, an ice
rink all of a sudden?
Whoa.
-I'll be with you in a moment.
I'm just sealing some fates.
-Today, in dead people's court.
-Uh-- ahem-- uh, excuse me?
Uh, pardon your--
-Mr. God?
-Sir?
-Dear diary, it's
hard being God.
Huh?
Oh, later.
-Oh, where are
your skates, boys?
-Oh, my line.
Sorry-- and my hat.
Excuse me, your hon-- your sir.
-Good morning, sir.
-There are no good
mornings here.
-I'll decide if it's
a good morning or not.
-What was your name?
-What was my name?
-Huh?
-You mean, sir, I'm finished?
All washed up?
-86'ed?
-Well, that depends
on the evidence.
-Hasta luego, Buckwheat?
-86 holiday?
-Your name?
JOE (OFFSCREEN):
Joseph Doakes, sir.
-Joseph Doakes.
-Funny name, huh.
-Doakes--
-Doakes, let's see.
There's dickweed, dog,
dumb sh-- ah, here it is.
-Joe Doakes.
-Hm.
-Ah, you were born
in New Jersey, eh?
-I thought I smelled something.
-Your age?
-I'm going to be 36
on my next birthday.
[CHUCKLING]
-Yeah, right.
-Next birthday?
-Boy, God sure has a
crummy office, doesn't he?
-Why, he wasn't due here--
-That's because all the
decorators are in hell.
--for another 20 years.
Fine guardian you
turned out to be.
-Why, if it wasn't
for me, your honor,
he'd have been here years ago.
The worst driver in
New Jersey, and you
expect me to keep
him out of trouble.
-My records show no
convictions against this man--
-Oh, he might go free.
-Yeah, he did a favor
for Sinatra once.
-I've been driving
for 15 years--
-Oh, silence.
This court isn't
interested in your opinion.
-Oh!
-Proceed.
-Don't you see, your honor, that
record of no convictions only
proves how well I've guided him.
-You see, I stopped a
car with my face once.
My forehead's all [INAUDIBLE].
-Well, he wasn't a bad fella.
-No.
-Good natured egg.
-Egg?
-Kind to his family.
-Hard boiled.
-Very considerate of everyone.
-Poached?
Often.
-You see, judge?
I'm not such a bad guy.
Please let me go
back, just this once?
Besides--
-Hey, he's got a gun?
-I got almost a full book
of eight coupons left.
-Well, you should have
presented those immediately
upon ordering.
-Let's get on with the charges.
-Visa or Mastercard?
Ha, ha!
Little--
-How is he on remembering
to give signals?
-[INAUDIBLE] the body
of the letter, huh?
-On signals?
Well, only fair.
Quite a few black
marks against him.
But when it came to sounding
his horn, he was pretty bad.
He was always sneaking
up and scaring
the wits out of pedestrians.
-Don't get me wrong.
I enjoyed that.
--about night driving?
-Hm.
-I brought a clip.
I don't think it
needs any set up.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
--called for more caution
in driving in the daytime.
But I couldn't get to
first base with him.
-It was our first date.
What a night.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
--the glare
of his headlights
did to other drivers.
Hm.
Well, there's a lot of little
things here, your honor, but--
-Well, then what the hell
are you wasting my time for?
--show much consideration
for the other guy.
-Hm, a perfect description
of the average driver.
-Joe was all right until
he got out on the highway.
Then he was an entirely
different person.
-He became alarmed by my
modeled face and bumpy skull.
--careless,
impatient, irritable.
I can't say that Joe was out
looking for trouble, but--
-But I did find him
down by the waterfront,
dressed in a Spartan costume.
-Kitty, kitty.
-Don.
-You know, I'm thinking
of growing a goatee.
-That description fitted
someone else I know.
If you know who I mean.
-Hitler?
Uh, no.
He drove a stick.
-Yes, your honor.
I had to learn the hard way too.
-Shut up.
-The toughest job I had
with Joe was his speeding.
-Yeah, he was worse than
Corey Feldman or Corey Haim.
-Even if he did keep
within legal speed limits,
he might still be
going too fast for--
-Oh!
Whoa--
-Rockford turn.
Backwards Starsky--
-Oh, that was great!
-Momentum was just another
name in the physics book,
as far as Joe was concerned.
-Hey, that was a low blow.
-Judge, if I weren't
a ghost, there
were times when I would
have been scared to death.
Joe's specialty was a right turn
from the center of the street.
He used to wow
them with that one.
-He was great.
What an artist!
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
--concerned
about the drivers he'd cut off.
-Wow.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
Or the pedestrians
who had the right
of way at the--
--Whoa!
-Wow.
-And then when we'd
approach a stop sign,
he'd never stop dead.
Oh, no.
He'd come down to a slow roll.
-Hey, he feels bad enough.
-Sneak through, and
then give it the gas.
-And then give them the bird.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
However, he
did learn one thing
that seemed to stick.
-Gum.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
One day, when
he was driving in a
residential section,
approaching the playground of
a school, without any warning,
a ball bounced out, directly
in front of the car.
-I'm huge.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN): And
right behind it came a kid.
The little fella disappeared
behind the hood of a car.
-What?
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
Joe jammed on the brakes,
started to jump out of the car.
Then the little boy ran out with
the ball clutched in his hands.
-With his skull
clutched in his hands.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
--unaware of the close call.
Joe slumped back into
the driver's seat.
-He said a silent prayer, to
Bongo, the god of gravity.
-After that, I never
had any trouble with Joe
around schools.
He'd crawl by at a snail's pace.
-Nursing homes, though.
Whoa!
-You see, Joe had two kids
of his own at that school.
-And if his wife
ever found out--
-They're all that way when
it gets close to home.
A pity they don't
always drive as
though their own
families were in danger.
-You make me sick.
-There was another
bad habit Joe had.
[CRASHING]
-Oh wait, you'll
want to hear this.
This is good.
-I love Fibber Magee and Molly.
-And at the halftime,
well, injuries
are ahead of fatalities
here in New Jersey.
-I'm so ashamed.
-Gulp.
-Uh-huh.
-Wow, looks like, uh,
Nixon's enemy list.
-Scratch another one.
-Hurts, doesn't it?
-So, go on with
your little story.
Go ahead, puny man.
-As I was saying,
sir, one of Joe's
worst habits with hogging
the center of the road.
If some driver behind
Joe honked his horn,
well, Joe would lose his temper
and start to put on speed.
But if Joe was behind
some other driver, well,
that was different.
He'd cut out with
a burst of speed,
not knowing what was
behind or in front of him.
Then one day, we were
behind another car,
climbing a steep hill.
-See?
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
Joe became impatient.
And then came the truck.
Joe saw the danger.
Oh, he was always quick to
see the danger to himself.
The truck was bearing down.
-Uh-- whoa!
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
Joe cut backside.
-Whoa.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
He made it.
But the poor guy behind him--
-The poor guy was James Dean.
The end.
-Sir, even a ghost has feelings.
Why, I was so disgusted
with his selfishness--
-Why, I booed him,
right in his front seat.
-If I hadn't given
you my solemn promise
to stick it out with
him, I would have.
-Just relax, now.
Take it easy.
-Sorry I blew up like
that, your-- um--
-By the way--
-What are you
doing Friday night?
--does he ever drive
when he's been drinking?
-Oh, boy.
I need my other scroll for that.
That's a doozy.
-Well, sir, he--
-Guardian, I want
the whole truth.
-So help me me.
-Well, sir, Joe did
take a nip occasionally.
He wasn't really what
you'd call a drinker.
Just a cocktail now and then.
-Just a half gallon
now and then.
-You know how the
boys are, your honor.
-Yes, I know how the boys are.
-And I know where the boys are.
-I have a book full of those
"just a cocktail or two"
drinkers.
-Jerks wouldn't let
me in their club.
-Drivers and pedestrians too.
Dead ones.
-Big ones.
-Just a cocktail or two.
-Phooey!
-Any abnormal physical or
mental condition due to drinking
liquor--
-Is monotonous.
--is intoxication in this state.
The careless driver or
pedestrian is usually careless
regarding the other
fellow's rights and safety.
But as to his own
safety and well being--
-Mm-hmm.
--he's downright selfish.
-Pah!
-Now, dilute that
dangerous frame of mind
with just a cocktail or two--
-Oh, OK.
Thanks.
I'll take scotch.
--then he even forgets
about his own safety.
That is one of the
reasons why that clock--
-Is this going to
be on the final?
--ticked off a traffic
accident in this state--
-Hey, if we're talking mob
murders, we'd be digital.
[HUMMING A FIGHT SONG]
-Incidentally, was there any
traffic rule he didn't violate?
-Yes, sir.
I never hit and run.
-Oh, well, that
changes everything.
-If you had, you would
have been booked in--
-Ahem.
-In phlegm?
-In a lower court.
So you never hit and run.
Why, that's so
despicable an act--
-Des-peck-a-pick?
--that I wouldn't even
accuse you of doing it.
-Never hit and run?
Why, I ought to throw the--
-Was his car
regularly inspected?
-Yes, sir.
-Hey, I'm no Commie.
-Oh, yeah.
At the last minute.
But you'll never know how I
had to nag at his conscience
to get him over
for an inspection.
Why, I had to throw all the
statistics in the book at him.
Over 256,000 cars rejected
for punked steering gears.
-Oh, Joe.
-And over 800,000 cars
rejected for dangerous brakes.
And over 1,400,000--
-OK, thank you, Mr. Spock.
-And those figures
always got him.
-Uh-huh.
-Why, here's proof
that I got him
to keep his car in
good running condition.
He can't blame his
accident on his car.
-Well, we'll mark
that exhibit B.
-And I'll slit my wrist
with it, because I'm
bored by this whole thing.
-He is exhibit A. I've
heard about enough of him
as a driver.
-Now, how is he as
a cocktail waitress?
-Well, sir, as a pedestrian,
he was different.
As a driver, he thought
he owned the highway,
but as a pedestrian,
he knew he owned it.
-Oh.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN): He'd weave
through traffic like a mouse
through a maze--
-Squeaking and calling
himself Algernon.
GUARDIAN (OFFSCREEN):
--behind a wheel.
And heaven help the
driver who might
come close enough
to frighten Joe.
-And bless the beasts
and the children.
Oh.
-One day we were at
a busy intersection.
My mind was on other
things for a minute.
As the red light flashed
on, Joe got away from me
and started diagonally
across the intersection.
-Doh.
-Now, instead of walking
over to this corner
and then over to this corner,
Joe decides to take a shortcut.
He had, uh, just about
reached this point--
-That's when he
stepped into a wormhole
and was transported
to the 16th century.
-I see.
You tried to get
here earlier, eh?
-Yes, sir.
He almost made it too.
He found out the hypotenuse
of a triangle in traffic
is the shortest road
to the hospital.
-Oh, that was a good one.
You looked like a
hamburger that time.
-Two long, happy months.
My only rest in
the 15 long years
that I had to spend with
that guy's conscience.
-Aw.
-(SIGHING) Ah, what happy days.
There I was with not
a care in the world.
-Get on with it.
-Just as long as he kept out
of traffic, it was wonderful.
But of course, all good
things come to an end.
-Including the Wildwood weed.
-Well, for the
next few weeks, Joe
was the perfect
pedestrian and driver.
Then one night, he-- he, uh,
stayed up with a sick friend.
-What's that?
-Well, uh--
-Well, he got ploughed, OK?
--he had a cocktail or two.
-Jiminy.
-But maybe it was like he said,
it was the hamburgers he ate.
Anyways, the next morning,
his head throbbed so hard,
I almost felt it.
-He was higher
than Judy Garland.
-And in that condition, he got
behind the wheel of his car.
And that had to be his
last day, your honor.
Ooh, what a pity.
He really went to
town or somewhere.
-He landed right on the
X. That takes direction.
-From sheer exhaustion,
I closed my eyes
for just a fraction of a second.
I failed you, sir.
-Who's on trial here?
-I was so weary, nothing
seemed to matter.
-Oh.
-15 years--
-On a dead man's chest.
--as Joe Doakes'
driving conscience.
-Sorry.
-Is Punishment enough,
even for a ghost.
You have completely
paid the penalty
for your own
carelessness in traffic.
You are now a free ghost.
-See the clerk,
and leave the gown.
-Go?
I can go?
-Free ghost!
-Oh!
-"Stairway to Heaven."
-Woo!
-What a relief.
What a relief.
-The hell with Joe.
I'm out of here.
-He was a-- with the--
-It's high noon.
[CRASHING]
-Oh, that's the angel leaving.
He's dead now.
-Oh, I think that's James Dean
or Isadora Duncan or maybe
Jayne Mansfield.
-Hm.
[HUMMING A FIGHT SONG]
-Can I watch some
TV now, grandpa?
-Stop it.
Stop it.
-What?
What am I doing?
What?
-Stop it?
Oh, I wish I could stop it.
-Oh, I wish I were dead.
Oh, I am.
-Joseph Doakes, as to
passing sentence upon you,
I must leave that to this jury
of drivers and pedestrians.
-Oh, guilty.
Hang him.
String him up.
And get the director too.
-Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury--
-Jury?
-Huh?
-Before you retire
to pass judgement--
-Oh, that's great.
We're stranded in space, and we
still have to pull jury duty.
-Not me.
-Hey, this is important.
Pay attention.
-He was kind and
considerate to everyone.
-Except his grandmother
and the kitty.
-OK, all right.
Come on.
-Let's get out of here, come on.
-Come on.
-We're blowing out of here.
You can just hang around.
You can stay, Crow.
-He was inconsiderate on
dimming his headlights.
He wasn't too
careful about speed.
-Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
-He seldom came to a full stop.
-I remember that.
-At stop signs.
-Yep.
-He frequently hogged the road--
-Hogging the road.
Right.
I remember.
--and sometimes passed on hills.
I must say, in
his favor, that he
did have regular
car inspections.
-Yeah.
-And now--
-Ah!
--most importantly, before you
hand in your verdict, think.
Consider carefully
your own qualifications
as a driver and a pedestrian.
-My qualifications?
-Are you qualified--
-Am I qualified?
--to pass judgment on Joe?
-Yeah, I don't know.
I'm not qualified.
-Hm, qualified.
Qualified.
Wow, what a question.
Me, Crow T. Robot.
What do I think?
Am I qualified?
Wow, that's a heavy burden.
How can I make a difference?
Can I make a difference?
Surely I'm but a
single bot, alone
as it were in the
vast universe thing.
Maybe I can't change the world.
Perhaps I've looked at
life from upside down.
Hm.
Hey Cambot, move it in a little,
and cue that moody music.
Well, what would Joel do
in a situation like this?
No.
No.
No, no-- I've got to learn
to think for myself, to stand
on my own two
foot-like appendages.
Seize the day, yeah.
Think globally, act locally.
Yes, by God, I can do it.
Why, I could start a
letter-writing campaign.
Yeah, that would help.
And uh, I could
organize a bake sale.
Or hey, we could all help.
Come on, friends.
Run to your window and
shout, I'm really cheesed,
and I'm not going to hang around
till this thing gets better.
Why, organize an improv group
and do guerrilla theater
at the food court in your mall.
Dress a little differently.
Make it more exciting
for you and your spouse.
Or here's an idea-- toss
a little Cajun spice
into the party mix
and watch the fun.
Put on a one-man show and talk
about your true inner feelings
in an emotionally-charged,
gut-wrenching, autobiographical
account of your
warped adolescence,
and then watch the
grant money come in.
Woo!
But don't snap judge me.
And then watch that-- I
know, put a drop of vanilla
behind each ear, and you'll
smell like a cookie all day.
Or, uh, eat an apple,
nature's toothbrush.
Ask Mr. Owl how
many licks it takes
to get to the Tootsie center.
Have you met everyone
on your block?
Now would be a nice time
to start, don't you think?
Hm?
In the classroom, slide
your desks together
and create an ecology symbol.
Um, police the lives
of those around you,
and get your sensibilities
way the heck out of whack.
Parade up and down the
street in your underwear.
Impose your ideals on others.
It's easy.
Crush someone with an emotional
word or an enigmatic look.
You decide.
You do it.
I'm sick of this.
I can't make a decision.
I'm no good at
this sort of thing.
It's up to you.
I'm passing the buck to you,
and I've got commercial sign.
Oh, the pain, the pain.
[SIGH]
-Oh no, Robert Lippert?
Oh, yikes.
-[INAUDIBLE] is
extending us a welcome.
-Bedside potatoes.
-"King Dinosaur."
-Breakfast with the king or--
-I can't do that.
Excuse me.
-You OK, Crow?
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
What-- what is this?
-Bryant Curtis?
-"King Dinosaur."
-Oh.
-It's a Lippert film.
[SCREAMING]
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We know.
Pretty sad, huh?
-Oh my gosh.
-Marvin Miller?
This must be his crossing.
With the movie and--
-Yeah.
-Joel and Ethan Coen.
There's a-- it's a
Zimbalists in this film.
I think there was some nepotism.
There's Ralph Helfer.
I hear he's a big cow.
Again, with the
heifer and-- sorry.
-Ah, based on an original
story by August Strindberg.
"Beast From Outer
Space," his first wife.
-Tom Gries, and the whole
world Gries with him.
-That's as bad as mine.
-It's Al Bert I.,
and Zimbalist Gordon.
-They're credits.
-Oh, I'm filled with wonder.
These titles have whisked
me away to a magic land.
-Oh, don't go away, titles.
NARRATOR: On April 23, the word
to start comes from Washington.
-Start.
NARRATOR: Immediately, our
finest research laboratories
change over to this
all-important project,
the building of a passenger
carrying rocket ship.
Every security measure is taken.
-What you see, what you hear,
what you leave-- Burma-Shave,
huh.
NARRATOR: Test upon
test must be made
to develop, improve, create--
-The ultimate morning
zoo radio show.
NARRATOR: A jet
engine must be built
with a thrust great
enough to launch
the spaceship through the many
miles of Earth's atmosphere.
-If you lean to the side, this
looks like a burning building.
NARRATOR: --withstand the
pressures found in outer space.
-Then the world's largest
roll-on deodorant was invented.
NARRATOR: --unusally favorable
atmospheric conditions,
Professor Albert Garnett is
able with the world's largest
telescope to
photograph an extremely
clear view of a new planet.
-But he had his
thumb over the lens.
NARRATOR: It is now certain
that plant life of some kind
definitely exists there.
-Tony Danza, for instance.
NARRATOR: The
professor, incidentally,
is also credited with
naming the new planet.
-Planet Alan.
NARRATOR: Planet Nova.
-Oh.
-Close.
NARRATOR: New metals
must be developed,
with tensile strength
capable of withstanding
great atmospheric pressures.
-Lumps.
NARRATOR: Switch on for
jet engine test number 87.
-Oh, so the announcer is
calling the shots now?
-Ooh.
-I think their
dryer is off-kilter.
NARRATOR: Structural weaknesses
are studied, tested--
-Oh, here the effects of 13
rum and Diet Cokes are tested.
NARRATOR: Every conceivable
test for man and machine alike
has run the gauntlet.
There is no margin for error.
-There is a margin
for shame, however.
NARRATOR: Special
equipment is developed.
-Then discarded.
NARRATOR: This
nuclear power plant
will serve as an auxiliary
source of electricity
while our people
are on the planet.
Actually, because it is
activated by atomic power--
-Oh, he was just
kidding earlier.
NARRATOR: --for many years
if something were to go wrong
and their return to
earth were delayed.
-Come on, it looks
like a dashboard.
Oh, port mole.
NARRATOR: Naturally,
the people must
be careful in using
such equipment,
because if the atomic power
were allowed to go unharnessed,
an atomic fission
reaction would take place.
-Ooh.
-Ooh.
-Better one?
Better four?
-I better reset the watch here.
-Ah, way off.
NARRATOR: They, of course,
will understand its use
and therefore
minimize any danger.
-The Brady house,
built tall and strong.
NARRATOR: Pressure
vaults are constructed
to simulate the
pressures found in space.
-And the pressures of my
desolate lonely life, sitting
for hours alone
in a sound booth.
NARRATOR: Record
every vibrating pulse.
-Oh, yes!
-Oh.
Yes.
NARRATOR: Turbo jet
engines used in assisting
takeoffs or our giant
bombers are studied.
But there lies the
greatest problem.
Blasting the ship--
-Uh, looks like he's burning
some oil, doesn't it?
-Yeah.
-Then German air
shows are performed.
Hundreds are killed.
Hi!
NARRATOR: The first
test rocket is ready.
-Switch on for launching.
-Hey, they flew it out
of the Eiffel Tower.
NARRATOR: Rocket
test number two.
-That was number two!
NARRATOR: This rocket
carries animals, white mice--
-Hi, my name is Benji, and
I'm a 10-dimensional being.
NARRATOR: --gravity is still
present to hold the mice
and little ball
downward toward Earth.
-Whoa!
NARRATOR: Now the mice
are floating in air,
since they are now beyond
Earth's gravity pull.
-Hey, why do we have
to do all the work?
I'm not feeling too good.
NARRATOR: The test proves out.
Animals can live in space.
It's man--
-What are you, man or mouse?
-Well, put some cheese down
there, and you'll find out.
NARRATOR: The
spaceship is ready.
Now for its passengers.
-Hey, Keith Richards.
NARRATOR: If animal life is
found on the new planet Nova,
an expert on zoogeography would
be a most important member
of the space expedition.
-Calcified and--
NARRATOR: On August
10, Dr. Richard Gordon
was chosen to fill
that position.
He became famous
with his discovery
of the giant prehistoric tar
pits near Salt Lake City,
just two years ago.
-I'd say this patient is dead.
I'm no expert, but
dead's the word.
NARRATOR: The study of rock
formations and its minerals
is like reading the
personal diary of a planet.
-Yes, it's not very polite.
NARRATOR: Dr. Nora Pearce
joined the space expedition
on August 27.
Her doctorate in
mineralogy was awarded
for her mineralogical research
in the Himalayan Mountains.
-And she's cute too.
NARRATOR: That's the day
the giant spaceship was
being wheeled into the--
-Fire.
NARRATOR: --for
its space flight,
which was now a
matter of weeks--
-Painted up by hand.
-Nice color.
-Yeah.
Lovely.
Great fins.
NARRATOR: Medicine must be
represented on this expedition.
-Because they'll need drugs.
NARRATOR: --people
and the people
that will venture into
space in the future
is of primary importance.
-OK, you may spit now.
NARRATOR: Dr. Ralph Martin's
war service fortified him
with the experience of
treating most diseases
and fatalities
that overtake men.
-Hey, he's cute too, isn't he?
-Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
-Real cute.
NARRATOR: The chemistry
of the new planet
was to be studied by Dr.
Patricia Bennett, who
completed the group
of scientists.
-Drink it.
Drink it.
NARRATOR: She was
noted for her thesis
on the use or
radiochemistry in medicine.
-And, uh, she's cute too.
NARRATOR: --on September 12.
-Hm, dirty.
NARRATOR: On October
1, it was observed
that the position of Nova was in
the most advantageous location
for our purpose.
The ship must blast
off within 24 hours.
-Or someone's going to pay.
Oh, brother.
-Uh-oh.
Is Kooky the Clown on
the premises again?
NARRATOR: Attention--
-It's me, the announcer.
This time I'm coming
from a different speaker.
NARRATOR: --the expedition
will please report to the ship.
Blast off is in X
minus 20 minutes.
-Will the artist please
come to the stage, please?
-I wonder what
this button's for.
NARRATOR: Attention, blast
off in X minus 5 minutes.
-Hey, look.
It's Woodstock-- three days of
peace, love, and stock footage.
-Stay away from the towers.
-You look neat.
-10 seconds tick away.
The stock footage is rolled.
NARRATOR: Blast off in X minus--
-All right, all right.
I know.
-A new pope is selected.
It's Kooky.
-Neat.
NARRATOR: Five,
four, three, two--
-Ho, ho, whoa!
-That's a fast count.
-Huh.
Well, maybe you should take
your foot off the clutch.
There you go.
-It's hard to get
it out of first.
-Yeah.
-Whoa.
-It's a German rocket, you know.
-Whoa!
-That's farfegnugen.
-Whoa!
Oh, no!
-I believe by the
end of this decade,
we will land a piece of stock
footage on another planet.
Ask not what a process
shot can do for you.
-Very good.
-Uh-oh.
It's a handicap spot.
Hey, and it's not close
enough to the mall.
-Guys, I think they
landed in Wisconsin.
-Yeah.
Uh, they just discovered
Grizzly Adams.
-Pff, uh, that's one
small step for a man,
uh, one giant step
into a cowpie.
-Ew.
-Over.
Pff.
-Cute, huh?
-They're going all this way
just to make out in a field?
-Uh, well--
-At least their face
shields are interlocking.
-Hey, Joel, is she a
bubble-headed blonde?
-Uh, yeah.
-We're first.
-And foremost.
-Thank god we made it.
-Mm.
-Is it as lovely as it seems?
-Well--
-No.
-Uh, yeah.
-No.
-An active volcano.
This planet is quite young, Pat.
-I mean, uh, Dr. Pat.
-They're getting
kind of informal.
-Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.
-Cash.
-We're going to
start out test, Dick,
to see if it's safe
to remove our suits.
-What did he call him?
-What did he just say?
-Your instruments are
on their way down.
Hurry up with the
test, so Nora and I
can get out and join you, huh?
-Yeah, we want to
frolic in the raw too.
-Oh, thank goodness the
time constant is safe.
-Whoops.
-Why is he blow drying
the grass, guys?
-Because he can.
-Oh.
-Hey look, honey.
There's change everywhere.
This is better
than Coney Island.
-(ECHOING THE SOUNDTRACK)
Do-do-do-do, Do-do-do.
-Why, uh, this is smoke-able.
Hm.
High grade hydro.
-Chunky black.
Hm.
-Hey, I can see my brain.
-(ECHOING THE
SOUNDTRACK) Do-do-do.
-Oh, let's see what this one
is-- "Origin of a Planet?"
Oh, I've got that on CD.
-(ECHOING THE
SOUNDTRACK) Do-do-do.
-Is Pete Fountain around here?
-A preliminary biological
study made of the air on Nova--
-Who's talking?
--show the indications
of microscopic life
not too different from
that found on Earth.
However, approximately 40% of--
-Did I bring this with me?
--the bacteria--
-Was superimposed.
--was completely unfamiliar.
-Test for radiation gave a
reading of approximately 10%
above normal background count.
-Joel, I'm tripping.
-No, it's just a photo process.
-A Coppola film.
-Yeah.
-Temperature--
-Expletive deleted.
18 minutes was deleted
from this tape.
I am not a crook.
-Although our preliminary tests
are in no way conclusive--
-Or any good at all.
--it does substantiate, however,
that human and animal life
as we know it on Earth can
exist in the atmosphere
and environment of Planet Nova.
-The end.
-Oh, they taped over the
Beatles Berlin tapes.
[GROANING]
-Now, lets get out
of these suits.
-And into a dry martini.
-Nora, the atmosphere
checks out all right.
It's safe to come out.
-Hm.
He means, uh-- high five.
Oh, that's Patty-cake.
That's the international symbol
for "off with your clothes."
-Oh, what a day.
Patty, I'll cover your rear.
-The air's a bit
richer in oxygen.
Notice?
-Yep, I'm high as a kite.
-Anyway, it'll speed
up our reaction.
-Oh, you take care of
your own reaction, doctor.
-Ho-ho.
-What do you think Nora?
-This is just great.
[LAUGHTER]
-There's animal life here.
-Yeah.
White caribou.
-Cute.
-Listen, I saw a lake
over in that direction
before we landed.
Let's go over and take a look.
-OK.
-I think you mean you
saw a clip of a lake.
-Everyone got a date?
Let's have that progressive
dinner we were talking about,
huh?
Let's just throw all the
research out the window.
-Look, birds.
-They look like vultures.
-Ah, death loving vultures.
Hm, neat.
-Look at that three.
-Ha, wish I could do that.
-Isn't he cute?
-Bam, bam!
-Well, there it is, just
like I saw on the scope.
As pretty a lake as anyone would
want, and it's all private.
-Restricted.
-What about that island?
-Oh.
-That's a strange-looking place.
-Wow, it must be scary.
-No sun over there.
-No son of mine.
-I'd like to have a look
at that when we have time.
-I don't see why, Nora.
All they want in Washington
are tests and samples
from wherever we land.
-Well, if you need souvenirs.
-They didn't say anything
about extensive exploration.
-You conservative doctors.
-Hey, we're
neoconservative doctors.
-I don't care.
All I can see is that water,
and that means a bath, Nora.
And let's get some clean
clothes and have one, huh?
[GIGGLING]
-Oh, for fun.
-Ah-ah!
Ladies first, please.
[GIGGLING]
-OK.
You've got to love them.
Let's go.
-Who brought the sandwiches?
-Sandwiches?
-Ooh.
Quite a package he's got there.
-Mm-hmm.
-Much further?
-I want some samples from
that rock straight up there.
-I'm Chirpy, the
mutant hell beast,
and I don't like this film.
Get away.
-Oh, 15 minute break, everybody.
Lippert rules apply here.
-I love these-- birds.
-Ah, thank you, Captain Cutaway.
-What time would you say it is?
-Oh, it's time to
kill something.
-I'd say it's about 3
o'clock Earth time here.
-Judging by those birds.
-Except we don't know
how many hours there
are in the daily cycle here.
Yo know, this place could move
around faster than our Earth.
-Well, let's figure
for 3 o'clock anyway.
That gives us three or
four hours before dark.
-Besides, I decided I'm
the new god of this planet.
[MOCK SHOCK]
-Dick, that outcropping's
further than we thought.
-Ah, a couple more miles
should bring us there.
-A couple more miles
as the crow flies,
but five miles up
and down those hills.
-I symbolically represent
the pace of this film.
-Hm, we're making
pretty good time,
considering this
is a Lippert film.
[ANIMAL NOISES]
-Lions and tigers
and bears-- oh, my!
-And there on the handle was
some stock footage of a hook.
-What do you think, Nora?
-About the age of this place?
I'm afraid your guess was right.
It's pretty young as planets
go, much younger than our Earth.
-Uh, could you be a
little more vague, Nora?
-Prehistoric.
-Are you serious, Nora?
Look, let's get out of here
and get back to the ship.
I'm scared to death, and
I don't mind admitting it.
-Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Dedicated Scientist.
-Yes, for the kind of
preliminary survey they want.
I can get more information while
the rest of you are working.
-While the cat's away,
the mouse will play.
-Doh.
-That island--
-I hate it.
It's taunting me.
-Vegetation certainly
looks different from that
around here.
-Maybe we can pay it a
quick visit before we leave.
-Mm-hmm.
May be fun.
-Let the next people
pay it a visit.
Let's get back to the
ship, get out of here,
before something awful happens--
-Let's all get out of here.
-Yeah.
Wouldn't want them to find an
important scientific discovery.
-If it doesn't get dark
too soon, we're all right.
-Hey, you guys.
I got this puppet.
Let's do that little song
and sketch about the lemur.
-All right.
-Cue it.
-(SINGING) It's Joey the
lemur, the friend to mankind.
Our furry sort of monkey
friend, he really does shine.
Hey.
-Joey, the lemur is
really fun to have around.
He'll huggle and dart
you, fun, fun, fun.
-Joey, the lemur.
He'll run everywhere.
Joey the lemur, what kind of
heck of animal is he, anyway?
Um, Joey, the lemur,
the kind of animal
that would go to the
bathroom anywhere.
-Hold it.
Just hold it.
-But there's more.
-That's OK.
This is the lemur, native to
Philippines and Madagascar.
Uh-- uh, and fictional
planets like Nova.
Um, he is a clean,
gregarious, and good pet.
You said it, pal.
Old boy, pal of mine,
you're the one for me.
-Uh-oh, Joel's swinging
into his puppet routine.
-Hey, can it, fire plug.
-Hey.
-I've had enough out of you.
-Joey, the lemur--
-I got a story to tell.
--he'll say what he thinks.
-Oh, boy.
Will I ever?
I'll carry on like
a Gilbert Gottfried
from the animal world, I
don't mind telling you.
You know, I'm the clown prince
of the primate world, who's
often-- who's often mistaken
for our friend, the chimpanzee.
But don't make any mistake.
I'm not saying anything wrong
about our chimpanzee brethren,
only that I wish--
here's wishing
they'd throw a little more
work our way, all right?
-Lemur, the lemur--
L-E-M-U-R. Hey.
-Hey, who's this bird-dog thing?
I don't like him.
-L is for lemur--
-L is for lemur.
Enough said.
-E is for eat.
-E is for eat.
I eat four times my own
weight in nuts and berries,
which has its consequences,
but go figure.
-M is for monkey.
-Monkey.
I'm often mistaken for a monkey.
It goes with the turf.
Let's go.
-U is for unusual.
-And unpredictable.
-Unpredictable is right.
I once took a whiz on
Johnny Carson's sport coat.
I don't panel well.
OK, on with the show.
-R is for radical.
-And rambunctious.
-Randy as a jackrabbit,
that's me, all right.
Woo.
-I guess it's the
splendiferous lemur.
-Friend to all mankind.
-Please consider me as a
possible corporate symbol
or mascot, suitable and
fine for any professional
or semi-professional sport team.
-It's the splendiferous--
--magnificent--
--lemur!
-I, the lemur, beg
you to consider me.
I will-- I'm willing
to travel and would
make an excellent companion
to any elderly or unelderly
person.
Gentlemen, please consider me.
Thank you.
Won't you--
[BUZZING]
-Movie sign!
-Whoa.
-Get off-- get him
off of me, Joel.
-Hey, Servo.
Fight back.
-I can't.
Get that little thing--
-Hey, get that
monkey away from me.
-What is that anyway?
-It's a lemur.
They said in the
film guide that he's
going to be in-- we're gonna
meet him later in the film.
-Get rid of him.
Thank you.
-Oh, I'm dead.
-Hold that thought.
-Hi, remember me?
I'm Satan.
This is the first part of my
three picture development deal.
We'll be right back.
Now here I go down her back.
Watch this.
It's a hoot.
[GIBBERISH]
[SCREAMING]
[GUNFIRE]
-Shoot the snake, not the girl.
[SOBBING]
-On second thought.
-Oh, well, that does it.
-Oh, let's get out
of this scary planet.
-What do you say we
fix ourselves a place
and sleep here?
It'll be a lot easier to
find our way in the daylight.
-Isn't it daylight now?
-Hm.
-They all have cataracts.
-Oh, I understand.
-Maybe it's the planet
of the midnight sun.
-And so they chop
and slice and dice.
And of course, they install
beautiful Anderson windows.
America-- know-how at its best.
-And the women. helped
in gathering up things
and put it against the lean to.
-Saggy roots and
nuts and diapers.
-Uh, why didn't use
the tent that they
had in their backpacks?
-Uh, they're artists.
-Oh.
-Yeah.
-Hey, how about that?
Home sweet home.
-It's beautiful.
-What a sweet job.
-Let's go to the front
desk and register.
[HOOTING]
-Oh, a horny old owl.
-That's an owl.
-The own footage is
not what it seems.
-It's going to be
real comfortable.
-Well, it's not the
Waldorf, but I like it.
-It is the Waldorf
salad, though.
-Well, let's get the packs.
Now, Ralph and I
are going to split
the watches, three hours apiece.
That should take us
up until daylight.
You girls get some sleep.
-No reason why we
can't take a watch too.
-Yes, there is.
-How dare you?
-No arguments.
-You're girls.
-Now get some sleep.
Ralph, I'll take the first one.
-OK.
Wake me up a little
earlier, will you?
-Dames.
-Well.
-Boy, you burn a human body,
there's not much left of him.
Oh, there's his ring.
-A couple of molars.
They don't burn.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Huh, bookends.
-And he's the librarian.
Yo.
-Come on, you bastards.
I'm ready for you.
-Hi, God.
-Hey.
I thought you were
going to call me.
-I'm OK.
-You're OK.
-Thought as long as
I felt all right,
I'd stay with it a while longer.
-Hey, your microphone
cord is showing.
-Good night, old man.
-I'm 35.
I'm not old.
Get out of here.
I could still take you, buddy.
-Come on, you bastards.
Come at me.
-Hm, nothing.
Just little animals.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Oh.
Oh.
Oh, where's my man?
Well, you're not--
you're not my man.
My man must be outside.
I know you're not him.
-Ooh, is that my stomach.
I better--
-Penny for your thoughts.
-I love the culottes.
-Can't you sleep?
-I need a glass of water.
-I don't know.
It's-- . it's just that--
-I don't know.
--that I feel so much--
[MUFFLED]
-You got my tongue.
-They both awake with the
worst breath of the morning.
-Tell me, doctor, do you
still want to marry me?
-Ha.
I wouldn't marry
you if you were one
of three people on this planet.
-Clink.
-Should we wake the others?
-I don't think so.
-OK.
-Do you like long
walks in the rain?
Chinese food?
Mushing up your ice cream?
Those little Necco wafers that
they used to-- oh, never mind.
Love me.
-I'm watching over you now.
Procreate.
-Hi, I couldn't help noticing
your suitcase and your shoes.
-Hum de do, do do-- ho!
[SCREAMING]
-Hurts, don't it?
-Good scream.
-Sounds like an
alligator mauling Bob.
-Yeah, that hurt.
-He's got him now.
I can't believe it, Wally.
There's a foreign
object in the ring.
he's gonna do--
oh, a pile driver.
Oh no.
-Oh, no.
If you rub my belly-- my nerve
endings are all down there.
-Oh, gotcha.
-It looks like Dr. Moto's
got a strangle hold on him.
-Oh.
-That's not fair.
-Oh, he used a foreign
object all right.
-I was wondering if we could
finish our walk la-- later.
-He's down.
-Oh, Ralph.
Ralph, Ralph.
-Get out of the way.
You had your chance.
-Let's get him back to camp.
-Ralph is ralphing.
Look at that.
Oh, yuck.
Good job, Blondie.
-Everyone, Ralph's dead.
-They are everyone.
-Oh.
Here just set him
here on this body bag.
-I can't find a kit.
-And smiling.
-Get the kit.
Get me the canteen.
Get the canteen.
-Oh, Harrisman on the job.
-I swear to god.
Gotta do everything
my sorry self.
-Nora.
-No, you idiot.
That's my saxophone.
-Get that rag wet.
[SOBBING]
-Aw, looks like he
lost a pie contest.
-Oh, it's all my fault.
-Bingo!
-It's nobody's fault.
-He's a chocolate mess.
-You know you're not
supposed to leave camp.
-Hey, you're spending a lot of
time on that one nipple there.
You want that around?
-We've got to keep a
sharp lookout from now on.
[PAINFUL SCREAMING]
-Boy, I feel like I wrestled
an alligator last night.
-Hey, what do you know?
I'm all right, and
now she's dead.
-Uh-oh, breakfast time.
Honey Nut Cheerios, guys.
-Hahaha.
A heaping bowl.
-I'm going to need
a bigger shoe.
We're going to get a
bigger shoe, right?
-Yeah, yeah.
I'm dealing with it.
I got it.
I-- I got it, honey.
[GUNFIRE]
-It sounds like it
swallowed a dolphin.
-No.
Oh Ralph, no!
-Oh.
Need a bigger gun.
Whoa.
-He solarized him.
-I haven't seen a wasp that
big since the Nixon years.
-Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
That would be a [INAUDIBLE].
-Mm-hmm.
-Help me!
Help me!
-Where is everybody?
-Oh, they've gone.
They've gone back to the ship
for supplies and equipment.
You've been unconscious
for a day and a half.
-Oh, I don't remember
what happened.
-You were hurt, but
you're all right now.
-Help me, help me.
-You've been here all alone?
-80-foot bugs give
me the creeps.
-Somebody had to stay with you.
You couldn't be left alone.
-Well, I'm all right now.
-Is he OK?
-Nah.
-I've got a headache
this big, and it's
got stock footage
written all over it.
-You've got to relax and rest.
-Relax?
There's a bee the size
of a moose over there,
and you want him to relax?
-Come here.
I need some medicine.
-Daddy needs his love medicine.
We shouldn't be watching this.
-When will they be back?
-Real soon.
Try to rest.
-Tell the bee I love him.
-Oh, now he's dead again.
-Oh, son of a rotten--
--stupid alligator
pushing [MUTTERING]
Hey, let's carry
all this crap around the rock.
-Kill it! kill it!
-Is that your
little friend, Joel?
-Yeah.
I guess that's the lemur, yeah.
-Hey, where'd you
pick this one up?
-He jumped right
out of Paul's chest.
-That's Joe.
-Hello, Joe.
What do you know?
-Hey, Joe.
Go investigate the lady.
Wake her up, boy.
-Hey.
-He's hungry.
-Oh, hi.
Boy am i glad you're back.
Did you have a good trip?
-Lovely if you like walking.
-Anything usual, Dick?
[LAUGHTER]
-What's unusual anymore?
I saw something that
looked like a Sherman tank,
but it didn't bother us.
-Hey, who's the cook
in the outfit tonight?
-I'll do it.
-Yeah.
How do you like your lemur?
-This one's been
eating all day long.
-Hm, this one.
-Good.
He'll get his strength
back faster that way.
-So we'll just, uh, let
this scene trail off, then.
-Hm, I don't know
about this lemur.
It tastes kind of gamy.
-And a little stringy.
-Yeah.
-They ate the lemur.
-Did you find
anything today, Dick?
Besides Joe, I mean.
-We got a whole bag
full of specimens.
-Ugh.
-Oh!
--this place will
support a lot of people.
If we had to stay here
for any length of time,
we should be able to live off
the land without much help.
-Ew, she's eating shoe polish.
-Thanks, but I'll
take you to USA.
-Me too.
-Hey, what are the
plans for tomorrow?
-Oh, I thought I'd
go to the mall.
Well, I thought Laura
and I'd finish our tests
and samplings, and then I--
-And then I want to take
a look at that island.
-All right, all right, we'll
go to your damn, dirty island.
-I seem to remember
some instructions
about not separating.
-We haven't run into anything
we can't handle, Ralph.
-You know, I think they all
read too much science fiction.
You know, they
probably thought we'd
meet some kind of super
race up here or something.
-And all we've met are
large, mutated animals.
-Why don't we all go together?
-That bee was pretty super-race.
-Doctor, you know better
than the rest of us
that you're in no
shape to travel.
-That's right.
-Where is he?
-So Nora and I will take one
of the rubber rafts tomorrow
and spend the day on the island.
Pat, you-- you do whatever
work you can around here.
-Yeah, why don't you stay
here and practice screaming.
[ROARING]
-Good, but back of the throat.
A little higher.
-Hi, remember me?
I'm Satan.
You never know where
I'm going to pop up.
But first, a recipe
from my pal, Ed Herlihy.
-[INAUDIBLE].
-What are we going to do
about watches tonight?
-I'll take the first one.
I'll get some sleep
when it gets light.
-Hey, I heard that
business about the watches.
I may be a little weak, but
I can still handle a gun.
-Oh, don't be silly, Ralph.
You need your rest.
Look, maybe we
don't need a watch.
Joe seems to be pretty
good at shouting alarms.
-Count on Joe for extras.
-Oh, we can't afford
extras in this film.
So, we'll just, uh, drizzle
out of this scene too, huh?
[HOOTING]
-Who-- who-- who could believe
that this film was made?
-A normal sized owl.
Who would have thought it?
-Yeah, crummy little--
I have to sit up here.
Where the hell'd
the bee go anyway?
-It "bee" gone.
-I have to sit here,
don't even have my roid
cushion and anything.
-Heh, cute old lemur.
Hey, he's eating his pen.
-Ha, ha.
Kooky.
-Here, suck on a
little JD, buddy.
-Hi, I'm back.
Let's watch the fun, huh?
Yeah, dig it.
Come on, finish it.
Finish it.
-Chug it.
Chug.
Chug.
-Cannon ball.
-Whoa.
-Hey, save some for daddy.
No, Daddy needs his medicine.
Uh-huh.
-Hey, give me some of that.
I invented JD.
-Cute little guy there.
Yeah, get away from
me, you little rat.
-Uh, why don't you, uh, wake up
the girls, so they can scream?
-Good idea.
-Ah-- ah-- it's a--
sna-- sna-- a sna-- kuh.
-I'm filled with shame.
-Hey, no sudden moves, pal.
While I'm making
these guys sweat,
here's Ed Herlihy
with another recipe.
Ed.
-Thank you, Satan.
Yes, it's Polynesian
cheese devils.
Fill your mouth up with
half a Kraft hot dog,
put ketchup all over your
face, and then spit it back
out, saying, my
tongue, my tongue.
We'll be right back.
-Hey, is that a snake, or is
Steve just glad to see me.
-Hey, don't get any
funny ideas, pal.
I'm Satan.
I rule.
Ah, I've seen better.
I wouldn't waste
my venom on you.
Join us next week
on Kraft Music Hall.
Our guests will be Liza
Minnelli and Desi Arnaz, Jr.
You might be interested in
some of our other wide variety
of cheese products we at Kraft
take pleasure in bringing you.
Good night, and God bless.
Not.
I gotta run.
[ROARING]
-Ooh.
Yikes.
-I just had this crazy dream.
It was erotic.
-What a weird planet.
Lemurs?
Ooh.
-Now, where is that tall tower?
-Are you sure you're
all right, Ralph?
-In the pink.
There's nothing like a
good quiet night's sleep.
-Jeez, I'm sorry.
More shame on me.
---to get back to the
ship for any reason,
the best way is along the
shoreline of the lake.
It's too easy to get lost
going through the jungle.
Nora, we better travel light.
-Going through the jungle.
-We've got to pick up
that raft on the way.
By the way, there's a flare gun
in each of those rubber rafts.
If you're not back by dark,
you better fire a couple.
If you're OK, make it white.
-Uh, Bobby, got a little lemur?
-Better yet, just
stay out of trouble.
And take good care of Joe.
I'm getting very fond of him.
-Hey, I saw him first.
-See ya later, fellas.
-See you later, alligator.
[CHUCKLING]
-I love their culottes.
-Now for you, little
lady, my lady love--
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-(SINGING) This is my box.
This is my radio.
This is the case that I
use to store my stuff.
This is my microscope.
I'll look through it.
These are the things--
-Do you remember any
of your chemistry?
-Enough to know about
the chemistry between us.
-Whoa, Tom Gries, dialogue
writer extraordinaire.
-Let's get this thing over
with so we can get home.
-That time can't
come too soon for me.
-Hey, she's too
ashamed to look at him.
-Ah, brought this
big egg roll along.
It turns into a futon.
-You know, honey, you
haven't lived until you've
been up to the chain of
lakes up by Lake Millacks
and nailed one of the
big jacks, you know?
You're going to love
fishing up here, you know?
We're going to
get a wall hanger.
I'm positive of it.
I'm sure.
Did you bring uncle
Josh's pork rinds?
Or some poppers, maybe
to get some croppies.
Then we'll head into
rhinelander and maybe get
some pizza and beer.
I'll take you dancing.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Hm.
-Oh, cut.
Cut.
-I've gone blind.
-Oh.
-Oh.
Somebody's having a blackout.
Well, we'll just put in
here by the turd pond.
-Well, the label said this
was an inflatable bridge.
Oh, nuts.
It's a raft.
-Well, time to drown the lemur.
-Boy, that guy really
is into safe boating.
-Hey, good thing he
brought his jimmy boat.
-Yep.
-Whoa.
-Come on, boy.
Joe, come on.
-Hey, shut up.
I'm eating over here.
-Joe, come on.
-Goodbye, Joe.
Me gotta go.
-Ouch.
Hey, that hurts.
Come on.
-Let's shove off.
-Shove off yourself, pal.
Oh, you guys are
just plain rude.
There's no excuse for it.
Ooh.
Ow, watch the merchandise, lady.
Push me.
Whee!
-Hey, they're almost there.
That's a short trip.
-It looks pretty barren.
-This was your idea.
-Look at the flock of birds.
-Where?
-Where?
-Birds, where?
--So that's where those
vultures have been coming from.
There must be something on
the island that attracts them.
-Like death?
-It looks a little forbidding.
-Hm, a lot forbidding
if you ask me.
-That shore doesn't
look too bad.
Let's paddle over that way.
-A little scummy, but--
through the filth.
-Arr, Jim, boy.
Arr.
-We stepped out of the boat
into knee-deep scum-- the rest
of film.
-Her socks love that, I'm sure.
So what happened to the lemur?
-I don't know.
-It doesn't travel well.
-Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Owie.
-Listen.
-Just thunder.
-Oh, actually that's jet noise.
-Oh, I'll fix it in post.
-Nice pan.
Thank you very much.
-It's much colder here.
-Ow.
Hey, I thought you
were my friends.
-Whoa.
-I'll put the raft over there.
-On that sharp rock.
[HISSING]
-Oh, viewmaster.
-Ah, sharp rocks.
I'll have to tell
Richard about that.
-Here, take Joe.
-Here, give me him.
I'll show you how to
handle that thing.
I learned this from LBJ.
Come on.
-Hey, hey!
Come on.
I got hands.
Take it easy.
-Time for a nice long
walking sequence.
[HUMMING]
[ROARING]
-Dick, there's a
pair of those birds.
-Huh-- two seagulls,
Gertrude and Heathcliff.
-Are those normal
size or real size?
-Ah, they don't tell us that.
-Nope.
-Bye.
That was exciting.
-I can see them walking,
and they saw two vultures.
This is great.
-Learn anything?
-Yeah, you're the father.
-Lots of things.
-Like what, for instance?
-Like for instance, you
may be a wonderful doctor,
but you're an awful patient.
-That's a privilege that
only a doctor can afford.
-Hm?
-Seriously, what have you
gotten from all these tests?
-What that a joke?
-I don't know.
-There's lots of bacteria that
exist here that don't on Earth.
-And it's all attracted to you.
-Which means stay healthy
because there might not
be a cure for them, right?
-Right.
-And then?
-What a desolate,
forsaken place.
-What a stilted,
pretentious line.
-Almost an animal roar.
-It still sounds
like thunder to me.
-Um, that lemur did a little
number on your shit, pal.
-I'd really like to go back now.
I think you'll find
only evil here.
I bring a message from Gorgile.
He tells you not to come here.
Please, I implore you.
Please, listen to the
sacred writings I bring.
-Well, we're getting a lot of
mileage out of that lemur bit.
-Well, thanks.
-Looks like a cave
up on that ledge.
-Let me work the gun, please?
-OK.
-Almost got an Ivan
Tors series going here.
-Intoxicating.
-Whoa, a trombone.
There must be 76 of them.
I think there's 110
cornets right behind.
[SCREAMING]
-Look at that guy.
He's beautiful.
-(WHISTLING) Here, boy.
Come here.
Come on.
Isn't he cute?
Come on over here.
You want to meet Joey?
-No, no.
I told you this would happen.
Please.
I implore you.
Get out of here.
He's evil.
-Lizards don't stand erect.
-Hey, watch it.
I'm a herbivore.
-Do you think he's getting
paid "scale," you guys?
[GROANING]
-Well, that's it.
Take it out of the woman again.
-My gun's jammed.
-Hey, throw me the lemur.
That's all I want.
-Hey, please don't
I'm your friend.
-Come back.
Come back.
-Well, throw me the girl.
-Whee!
-There you go.
-Where are we going?
-There's an opening down there.
Get in it.
-An opening?
-There's a "help
wanted" sign down there.
-Oh.
[GUNFIRE]
-Hey, I may look slimy, but
I'm pleasing to the touch.
I'm friendly and
docile, and I like
long, romantic walks
along the beach.
Ah, that's my rec room.
Excuse the mess.
Just throw that skin anywhere.
And before you take me into
your heart, I should mention,
I eat my young.
Did I say that before?
-Joe?
Where's Joe?
-Ah, just minding
my own business,
unaware of the events that
are about to happen to me.
-I'll get him.
-Dick, don't go.
-Go back for the lemur.
-Unloaded.
-We may have to shoot
with that camera.
-Dick!
-Darn fool kid.
[SCREAMING]
-Dick!
-Damn lemur did this to me.
-I can see you.
Don't get me mad.
-Have a little fire, scarecrow.
-This is no time
for love, Steve.
[WHISTLING]
-Hey, nice chest, pal.
-Not half bad.
-Oh.
-And can you believe it?
I pay 1800 a week
for that place.
-Oh, dropping rocks.
[CLEARING THROAT]
-Oh, we've got to split.
-Oh, yeah?
-OK.
Come on.
-Swing it up.
It says yet.
Take the shot.
Count it down.
NARRATOR: And now it's time
for another exciting episode
of emotional scientist,
starring Joel
Robinson as Albert Einstein.
-Oh, let's see here, I've almost
got the Theory of Relativity.
Oh, that just makes me so sad
when I-- (DROPPING ACCENT)
I can't do this, you guys.
I don't--
NARRATOR: Joel,
what's the matter?
-I can't-- for one thing, I
can't do an Albert Einstein.
I sound like an East Indian.
And I don't see
why I always have
to be the one dressing
up in the dumb costumes.
I don't get it.
-What's the matter with you?
Don't you know what it is
to put on that greasepaint,
don that theatrical mask,
get up on that stage,
and-- and sing and dance
your dear little heart out?
[SOBBING]
-Crow, you are becoming so camp,
you make me want to throw up.
Now listen, if you
guys want to go on
with your little
irrelevant sketches
and keep donning your
little costumes and makeup,
go right ahead.
But just count me
out of it, all right?
NARRATOR: Now wait,
at least you can
hold up the title card for us.
Geez.
OK, come on.
Clear it, people.
We've got a sketch to do.
And now it's time for another
exciting episode of Emotional
Scientist, starring
Crow as Madame Curie.
-Well, I should be discovering
the theory of radium
pretty soon, I think.
And then I'm going to go to
that Jerry Lewis Film Festival.
Oh, what's the use?
I'm having a bad day.
Nobody understands my needs.
It's that time of--
(DROPPING ACCENT) oh, geez.
You know, Joel's right.
I can't even do a good
accent on this thing either.
Get this thing off me.
I quit.
-He's right.
You're right.
We've been fools to think
that robots can be actors.
We're trapped in outer space.
We couldn't even go to New
York and study with Uta Hagen
if we wanted to.
[SOBBING]
-Oh.
Come on, you guys.
Please, don't be like that.
I can't stand to see
you so upset like this.
I'm sorry.
I know-- OK, I realize
that these sketches
are important to you.
I'm sorry, OK?
NARRATOR: Geez, Joel.
You know, it never
ceases to amaze me
how you continue to
take personal inventory,
and then when you're wrong,
you promptly admit it.
-Oh, thanks a lot.
I like you guys a lot too.
And I know two robots and a
human that have a sketch to do.
-Oh, boy.
NARRATOR: And Now it's time
for another exciting episode
of Emotional Scientist, starring
Joel Robinson as Jerry Lewis,
Crow as Steve Martin, and
Tom Servo as Enrico Fermi.
[IMITATING ITALIAN]
[IMITATING ITALIAN]
-Thanks for playing along, Joel.
-That was fun.
-Yeah.
-What's going on?
You think he's going to
get him for flushing him
down the toilet?
-Yep, I think so.
-Here he goes.
-Hey, can't you see I'm working
this side of the street?
Get out of here.
-Are they going to fight over
who tastes more like chicken?
-Hey, yeah.
I'd like a piece of that.
-Please.
[PURRING]
-Come on, you knuckle-nob.
Come on, I got you.
-Hey, those aren't real tears.
I've heard about you.
-Yeah, you're right.
-Nobody's going to believe this.
-You mean this movie?
-Hey, Nastacia, kids-- oh, no.
No.
Fingers are right, though.
-Now, we'll be playing by
Marquis of Queensbury rules.
-Oh-ho!
Leaping lizards.
-Hey, thanks for the jump cut.
-I'll just watch from up here.
-Who's that?
-The ref.
That's the ref.
-Oh.
-Whoa.
-It's Saturday night at
ringside, ladies and gentlemen,
featuring gecco-Roman wrestling.
-I'm gonna make a handbag
out of you, gator.
-Ouch.
-Yes, folks.
Thrill to the exciting,
the most exciting fight
of the Precambrian era.
-Hey, I want in on
some of that action.
-Ah!
-Oh.
-Hey.
-Hey, Mr. Lippert, I'm appalled.
Get Betty White on
the phone, Joel.
-Oh, really.
-I feel sick.
-Hand me that very pistol.
-What good will that do?
-Are you thinking
of Ralph and Pam?
-I hate to bring them into this.
-Better than them us.
-It's the only way out of here.
-I'm gonna load up
the Steeley Dan.
-Stay right here.
Don't move.
-You try to keep-- blacking out?
-This scene opens with
Macbeth pacing the stage.
Suddenly, he walks upstage
and addresses the audience.
-Tomorrow and
tomorrow and tomorrow.
Get away.
Creeps--
-I hear it.
I hear it.
[SCREAMING]
-Lizards?
That's terrible.
Must get to the-- top--
-They insisted on
doing their own stunts.
-Yeah, it's painful.
--the hill and fire
my little magic gun.
-Ooh.
Ahh.
-Oh, beautiful.
[WHISTLING]
-Grand finale.
-I love those flower baskets.
-Mm-hmm.
-Look, the flare.
-Hm, a red flare, Pat.
-That means lizard wrestling.
Red flare at night,
lizards fight.
Red flare in the morning,
lizards take warning.
Wow.
-Uh, Mr. Goodwrench, you
forgot your car battery.
-Oh, sorry.
Almost forgot.
-You know, have you guys
considered counseling?
-No, this is-- this is
American Tourister Gladiators.
Suitcases.
-This is what happens to
your luggage at the airport.
-Oh, you twisted my
wrist, you beast!
-Ow, ow, ow, ow.
-You know, you do
taste like chicken.
-Uh, Joel.
We did that one already.
-Oh, we did?
Well, it was a callback.
-Whatever you say.
-How about this one?
They're gonna chew
the fat for a while.
-I think, uh, you better
do another callback.
-Will you guys knock
it off? i can't
concentrate on my
own lame wisecracks.
-Good.
-Got a little, uh, sprucy syrup.
-I might be dead, but
uh, I won on points.
-I feel like I'm
watching "Mondo Cane."
-Yes, twas beast
killed the beast.
-I'm out of here.
-Oh!
-Don't think I forgot about you.
Give you half an hour to
escape, and what do you do?
You stay here.
Goodbye.
-Well, anyway, you've never
really fished until you've been
up to the chain of lake-- one
of these big jacks-- you know,
and then we-- break
out the hula pop--
-Meanwhile, at the
superimposed rocket.
-Well, anyway, we thought
we'd go to the chain of lakes,
maybe go to Lake
Millacks, or something.
Get some of Uncle
Josh's pork rinds,
and then we could head up to
rhinelander, do some dancing,
have some beers, eat
some pizza, maybe go
to the big snowmobile show.
-Thank you.
You know how high
that flare would
have to have gone
for them to see it?
Can you believe this?
-Throw it into the-- [HISSING].
-You know, Tom, if you're
looking for plausibility
in this film, you won't
find it here, friend.
-You're right.
-Hey, they made it already.
[ROARING]
-It resembles the Tyrannosaurus
Rex of Earth's prehistoric age.
-No, it doesn't.
-Sorry, no way.
King Dinosaur.
-Have breakfast with the king.
-Sorry, that's a
lizard from Pet World.
--just as similar ones dominated
Earth 125 million years ago.
It's like living in the past.
-It's an iguana.
-Come on.
-Good likeness, isn't it?
-Well, who cares?
No one's ever going to believe
us anyway, if we ever--
[LAUGHTER]
-That's a scientist for you.
-Hey, help me.
I don't like it when you fight.
-Meanwhile, three days later.
-And anyway, there's some
real big jacks on this lake,
and I'm sure that
if we just get some
time to drown a few slugs--
-Hey, look.
Lemur scat.
We must be getting close.
-Looks like Bob's.
-Listen to this music.
-What of Paul's love for Lena?
Will the lizards find
peace in the valley?
And what of little
Joey, the lemur?
You'll find out this and more--
-What's he gonna do,
gull him to death?
-Ah, let me in there.
-If you come out
of the woods today,
you're in for a big surprise.
If you're-- come
on, keep up with me.
You go into the woods today,
you won't believe your eyes.
[HUMMING].
Teddy bears having a picnic.
-You know, they're
gonna be there tomorrow
afternoon at this pace.
-La, la, la.
-La, la, la.
-Who's this guy?
I don't know.
-And that's the day the teddy
bears have their picnic.
-Take my hand.
I'm a stranger with parasites.
-Why do you have to bring
your shoes everywhere?
-Give me that photo.
It's not a good likeness.
It looks like my passport photo.
-Mm.
-That's the day the
teddy bears-- huh?
-We're closer.
-Yeah, the thing's lighter.
-In that canyon.
-Snack canyon.
-If you go out into
the woods today,
you're in for a big surprise.
-Oh come on, shut up.
I need that song.
-Well, you're the one
who started singing it.
-No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did.
-Hey, come on, you guys.
Stop fighting.
-Sorry.
I was doing a callback.
[CHUCKLING]
-Nyah, nyah.
-Sorry.
-Huh?
-What?
What's going-- oh.
-Oh Ralph, what is it?
-It's an iguana.
Now, shut up.
-I don't know.
Something prehistoric.
-Oh, it's horrible.
-Oh, why do you have
to be so negative.
-Shoot it with something.
-What with?
That won't do any good.
-Whoa.
[YAWNING]
-Hey, let go of my tail.
I want to get down there
and mix it up a bit.
-Well, do something.
-Anything.
-We've got to get to them.
-No, they've got to get to us.
-OK, Joel.
I got $5 on the lizard.
-Get your money out.
-OK, I'll take your money.
OK, no problem.
Hey Crow, you're
witness to that, OK?
-Hey, I want in on this action.
-OK.
-I'll bet 10 that they're are
killed at the end of the film.
-OK.
I'm holding the money.
-Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What about our bet?
That's not fair.
-Hey, you don't understand.
I'm playing the part of
the expensive middleman.
This way, we all win.
-Oh.
-Huh?
-Buddy, if you pick at
it, it'll never heal.
Whoa.
-Oh.
-Ooh, Jesus.
-Ah, come on, lizard.
Come on.
Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.
Come on, i got money on this.
-Luck, be a lizard tonight.
Come on.
-Help.
I'm hooked in your braces.
[MUFFLED]
-I saw this on
"Midnight Express" once.
-Ouch.
-Oh, that'd be a lot
more fun on a toboggan.
-That sounds like
lizards dropping.
-Sorry I tore your picture.
-Sorry I ripped your dress.
-Sorry I smashed your lunchbox.
-Sorry I broke your heart.
-Giant mutated lizards-- wish
we had some pictures of it.
-Doh!
-They're running through
dino-scat over there.
-Faster.
-Up yours.
I mean, we'll be right there.
[GROANING]
-I don't care if you are a
lizard, that has to hurt.
-Oh, man.
That's got to really sting.
-Get up there, you
stupid culotted little--
-Oh, Ralph.
Will they make it?
-Sure, they're going to make it.
-Or they're going to die trying.
-Come on.
-Come on, you buttheads.
-You know, guys,
lizards were hurt
in the making of this film.
-Ah!
-That's almost a reversal.
That would have been two points.
-Oh, I'm filled with shame.
Oh, Rob.
-All right, now that that's
done, where's Lipper.t
I'm coming for you.
Payback time.
-Yeah.
-Looks like a
Cajun cooking show.
-Oh, honey.
-I brought the atom bomb.
I think it's a good
time to use it.
-Oh, that's your
answer to everything.
just use the atom bomb.
-Hey, what's going
on, peace friends?
-It's set for 8 o'clock.
-And right now, it's
30 seconds to 8:00.
-Whoa!
-Oh, it's a joke.
-(LAUGHING) I win.
Ha, ha, ha!
And I know where you live.
-Whoa-ho, wrong turn, friends.
-Ah, big and-- ah, yes.
-Hey, what did he ever do?
-He was on the
cover of "Tarkus."
-Oh, OK.
Shoot him.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Na, na, na-- this music
sounds like it was written
by Lori Strong,
you know the girl
who teased me in third grade.
-Even the musicians
are mocking this film.
-Nyah, nyah, nyah--
-Oh, it sounded
like an airplane.
-Oh, I just want to be friends.
Please come back.
My friends.
-You know, sometimes
my own species
makes me feel ashamed, what
they're doing to this dinosaur.
-Come on, let's go.
-Whoa.
-I'm your new boyfriend now.
Ha, ha.
-Everybody panic.
[SCREAMING]
-When in danger or in doubt, run
in circles, scream and shout.
Whoa!
Help me.
-There they go.
-Calm and reassured.
-Nyah, nyah, nyah--
-Oh, welcome to Pamplona.
-This week on
"Living Dangerously,"
hand-delivered atomic bombs.
-Green alligators,
long-necked geese, and--
-Monkey-back camel, and I
saw chimpanzees up there.
-I'm coming, beaty boy, ooh-hoo.
-Wow.
-Get a load of this.
How did they get him
to shake like that?
-They covered him
with shag carpeting.
-Poor elephant.
-I'm not an animal.
-It's a good shot.
[SHOUT]
-If you go out in
the woods today,
you're in for a big surprise.
Heh.
-Save yourselves, man.
There's a bomb back there.
-Nyah, nyah, nyah--
-Ugh.
-This is an exciting run.
-Whoa.
-Hey, it's the MGM lion.
-No, it's the Lippert lizard.
-OK, you beat me.
Get out of here, you bums.
Take--
-Why can't they stop
hurting each other?
Come on, man.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Jeepers, friends.
Wait for me.
-I was wondering about him.
-To the beach!
Kind of like Dunkirk,
isn't it, guys?
-I'm just a poor turtle.
Help, Mr. Wizard.
Help.
-Hey!
-Hey!
-Hey!
-They're leaving
the other boats.
-Uh, I think that's
for the lemur.
-Oh.
-Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke.
-Hey, get me.
I'm a Hasidic rabbi.
Shalom.
-Kind of like you're
on "Hawaii 5-0!"
-Ah, phooey.
No one got the joke.
-I think he's just scooping
water into the boat there.
-Hm.
-Hey, anybody have the time?
There's a little matter
of an atomic bomb.
-Oh, yeah.
-(SINGING) Your careers
are finally almost over.
You'll never be in another film.
You may end up in the
"Psychotronic Film Guide."
-Huh?
-Hey, isn't that
where Bob upchucked?
It looks like the
Valdez has been here.
And there's something-- I can
taste carrots in the water.
[IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]
-Huh?
Uh-oh.
You know, I think
the film on this lake
is better than the
film we're watching.
-Look, he's pushing her
down again for no reason.
Look at him.
That's terrible.
-Just tear out of there.
-Let's go.
-Hurry up.
-Cheese it, everyone.
-Don't forget me.
Please.
-Oh, they tripped
over a burial mound.
How fitting.
-You should just
pull her by her hair.
-Oops.
-Damn.
-Ahh!
-That's the biggest
firework of all.
-Looks like the beginning
of "Petticoat Junction."
Petticoat Armageddon.
-Shouldn't they be covering
their faces or something?
Or shields or--
-Uh, why?
-I don't know.
It just--
-Nuclear blast fallout?
-Yeah.
-Uh, we did the right
thing, didn't we?
They'd never surrender.
It was right for
us to blow them up.
-Thanks for annihilating
everything I know.
-You know, they're only
two miles from the blast.
Aren't they going
to get vaporized?
-I hope so.
Well, it's an atom
bomb light, actually.
1/3 as destructive
as our other bomb.
-Oh.
-Well, score one for Earth.
-Well, we've done it.
-Not a word of this gets out to
the people on Earth, all right?
-We sure have done it.
We brought civilization
to Planet Nova.
-Ha, was that irony?
-Come on.
-This late in the film?
-Let's go home.
-Yeah, let's go home and
grow some three-headed kids.
-Hey, there's a certain
glow about June.
Heh-- it's a-- never mind.
-And so with peace
in their hearts
and fiery death in the
sky, they went home.
-Kinda pretty in an ugly way.
-I like it.
Bah.
-Hey--
-You guys, that's the
fourth Robert Lippert
film we've seen
in as many months.
Remember "Rocketship
XM," "Jungle Goddess,"
"Lost Continent," and now
this one, "King Dinosaur."
I've never even seen
a Kurosawa film.
Works of Francois Truffaut?
Uh-uh.
Not familiar with them.
Sorry.
Odessa steps sequence?
I don't think I know that one.
No.
And yet I'm intimately familiar,
with a frame-by-frame basis,
with a major part of one
Robert L. Lippert's output.
Why?
Why?
Why?
I don't understand it.
I--
-Crow.
Crow.
Hey, take it easy.
There's no need to--
-Hey, Crow's right, Joel.
You know, there's only so
much that we can take, really.
-Well, the fact
is, you guys might
be surprised to know that Robert
Lippert was quite an innovator
in his time.
-Oh, really?
-In fact, I've prepared a
special presentation using
our--
-No, no, no, no.
No you don't.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-Oh, You don't want to see that?
Well, fortunately Cambot
and I have worked up
a little sound and light show.
Cambot, cue that up, please.
-No.
Stop the music.
Cue that light, Cambot,
or I'll kill you.
-That's better.
-Well, I don't see
why it would bug you
that I would try
to do such a thing.
-Because those artist's
renderings, musical tributes,
I don't think so, Joel.
Come on.
-I'm just trying
to show you that--
-Joel, Lippert is not worth it.
No, no.
-Well, there's just
one thing that he
did that I would
like to show you,
because I spent a lot of time
in the shop working on it.
Here it is.
-Show us your little toy.
-Robert Lippert was
the first filmmaker
to ever use a thing
called a theremin.
And a theremin creates
a body of particles.
And when you interrupt
the particles,
it changes the sound.
You may have heard it in
other space movies before.
-Sure.
-Here, let's turn it on here.
Let's try it.
-Oh, that's rather
pleasing, isn't it?
-Yeah.
-Neat.
-Whoa.
That's interesting
the way it changes--
-Sounds like--
-Well, thank you
very much for sharing
your little toy with us, Joel.
You can turn it
off any time, now.
-Thank you.
-It starts to get a little--
-Thank you, Robert Klein.
Thank you.
-Thanks a lot.
OK, so why don't you take that
down to your cabin, there Joel?
Joel?
I guess it's up to us to
take care of business.
-Guess so.
[CRASHING]
-Oh, just set that
anywhere, Joel.
Hope he didn't break it.
Well, so let's read this
letter that's down here.
-Yep, go ahead.
-Uh, after he leaves.
Joel, could you please--
so it says here--
[CRASHING]
-Joel, if it bends it's funny.
If it breaks, it's not funny.
-Yikes.
OK, it says, dear
sirs, it's us again,
the Mistys from Milwaukee,
with our weekly approbations
of doom.
As usual, we-- uh,
thank you, Joel-- we
had a great time
with the latest show.
We wanted to point out a
few things regarding the--
[CRASHING]
-Thank you again, Joel.
Enclosed-- hey, they
enclosed some scorecards.
Hey Cambot, put these up.
These are really interesting.
Now look, they actually rate
us on a scale of 1 to 10
on the movie, on sarcasm,
on the invention exchange,
and these host segments.
What are host segments?
-Uh, I don't know.
-Got me on that one.
OK, now what are we
supposed to do now?
-Uh, say something
to the scientists.
-Oh.
Hey guys, are you watching?
How did it go?
What do you think?
-I think we should go
to the Kurosawa Festival
at the Geripera Cinema.
What do you think, Frank?
-Oh, forget that.
What about the theremin?
Woo--
-I have another idea.
Until next time, Joel-y.
-Rest.
[MUSIC PLAYING]