Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 3, Episode 11 - First Spaceship on Venus - full transcript

THEME SONG: In the not too
distant future, next Sunday AD,

there was a guy named Joel, not
too different from you or me.

He worked as Gizmonic
Institute just

another face in a red jumpsuit.

He did a good job
cleaning up the place,

but his boss didn't like him,
so they shot him into space.

We'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst we can find.

He'll have to sit
and watch them all,

then we'll monitor his mind.

Now keep in mind Joel can't
control where the movies begin

or end because he used
those special parts

to make his robot friends.

Robot roll call.

Cambot!

Pan left.

Gypsy, Hi, girl.

Tom Servo!

What a cool guy.

Croooow!

He's a wisecracker.

You're wondering how
he eats and breathes

and other science facts.

La, la, la.

Then repeat to yourself,
it's just a show.

I should really just relax for
Mystery Science Theater 3000.

-Hi, everybody.

Welcome to the
satellite of love.

I've asked Joel if he'd
raise the level of my sarcasm

sequencer.

-Oh, do it.

Right there.

-Oh, yes.

Oh, while you're at it,
why don't you keep digging

into my back, a warm, relaxing
massage with a screwdriver,

ooh, sign me up for that.

-I think it's working.

-The great Croooow speaks.

Ooh.

Let me anoint your beak
with scent and oils.

Membership in the
Croooow fan club,

oh, it's a dream
come true for me.

Oh.

-Commercial sign in 15 seconds.

-Commercials.

Oh, boy.

I can't wait.

30 seconds materialistic
sound bites

that insult our intelligence.

Ooh, give me more of those.

-Ah, I'm going to have to
adjust Tom's sarcasm sequencer.

We'll be back after that.

-Commercial sign in
five, four, three,

-Oh, is the great
Joel Robinson going

to honor me with his attention?
---two.

Commercial sign now.

- --a blessing in disguise?

I don't think so.

Oh, dig a little harder, Joel.

I can't feel the pain yet.

-I think you got him set on
ah, constant ah, sarcasm.

You're gonna want to have him
on random pretty much, I think.

-Ah, no kidding.

-Yeah.

I put him on a random
sarcasm so he'll only

be sarcastic at the appropriate
time like ah, when someone

mentions ah, like
ah, Pia Zadora.

-Oh, actually I think making
fun of her has become a cliche.

Everybody does it.

An you know, in her favor,
she was in a John Waters film,

you guys.
-Whew.

Shucks.
-OK.

Well, what about um, Dan Quayle?

-Well look, Dan Quayle scares
me as much as the next guy,

but everybody and their
sister has come up

on the sarcastic
Dan Quayle quip.

It's just too easy.

-I'm not even going to
mention a-- Gallagher then.

-Ooh.

He is my absolute,
all-time favorite.

Ooh, paying money to
have watermelon sprayed

all over you, ooh,
give me more of that.

Oversized props mixed
with undersized talent,

ooh, put me in the front row.

Excuse me, Mr.
Shopkeeper, can I trade

in my volume of
annotated Shakespeare

for a tape of Melon Crazy?

Oh, please, may I?

Ooh.

-Ah take it easy the ah elusive
Uberlords are calling here.

-Look, I run the
operation around here,

and I say you do the
invention exchange first.

-Jeez, I don't mind as long
as you guys aren't planning

on steeling another
one of my ideas.

-That's good.

Get everything he
says down, and then

make a sketch of
what he's just done.

What?

What?

Didn't I tell you to do the
invention exchange first?

-Well, all right.

My invention this week
is about a junk drawer.

Every home should have a junk
drawer, and a lot of people

don't know how you
get them started.

So I invented this, which
is junk drawer helper.

It comes in a
little bag, and it's

got a few of those
items that are

great for starting
a junk drawer.

Pretty soon you'll accumulate
a whole drawer full of stuff.

Anyway, there's stuff
like a CO2 cartridge

in there, a plastic golf ball,
a-- a card to a Harley Davidson

dealership, silly putty,
and a little flower.

OK?

And before you know it,
it's full with junk.

See?

That's how you get started.

What do you think?

-Well actually, we've got
a really cool invention

this week.

I just hope we can
find it through all

of this junk in here.

Jeez.

-Yeah.

You're not the only one with
a junk drawer, you know?

-Yeah.

Wow.

Look at all this.

Oh, you remember this?

Remember this, the
plastic butt from when

we were selling the Thruster
Buster? [SLURPING NOISE]

-Very important for
your training, Frank.

-Oh, and look.

World's greatest grandmother.

-Aw.

-Norman Bates gave me that.

-Ah.

That is so sweet.

Oh, by the way, doctor.

I forgot to tell you the product
placement people called me

today.

-M-hm.

-I told them in
no uncertain terms

we never, ever, ever
do product placements.

We' just never do that.

-It's good to remember, Frank.

You're learning.

-OK.

Thanks a lot.

Yeah.

I'm trying to learn.

-Oh, and Frank, when you put
the ah tray back in the drawer,

please refill it with water.

-Oh.

OK.

I'm sorry.

I'll try to remember that's.

Oh, wait.

I'm going to do quick-- some
quick impressions for you.

And for you guys up there,
Sally Field on a bowling team.

My league likes me.

They really, really like me.

Thank you very much.

Oh, another quick
impression for you,

the drummer from Def Leppard,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, very much.

Oh, another quick one,
real quick one for you.

Ah, Charles Lindbergh,
ladies and gentlemen.

Charles Lindbergh.

-Frank, we don't have time
for that kind of nonsense.

Now we've got to find
the invention in here.

-OK.

What's this stuck to
the bottom of the--

-Hey

-Wow.

-It's Abe Vigoda
from Barney Miller.

-TV's Fish.

-Bernice, I'm telling you I
haven't had a good BM in weeks.

Joel, your experiment
this week is

called First Spaceship to Venus.

It stars an
international cast that

will leave you
bilingually tortured.

Well, Bon appetit, Bon Ami.

-Ooh.

Movie Time.

Ooh.

Like I'm supposed
to be impressed.

-Ooh.

A good move this time?

I don't think so.

Oh, look.

It's a total
annihilation vision.

-You know it's total vision.

It used to be in 80% vision.

-Ah.

NASA's third birthday.

-It's Estes Park,
Colorado, and that's

the Mars Snooper up there.

-Well.

let's go home.

Nope.

-I've looked at clouds
from both sides now.

-Ooh.

A Sneeze.

Billions and billions
of snot particles.

-(TOGETHER) First
Spaceship on Venus.

-Oh, that's nice.

Hey, where are you going?

-Hey come back here.

-Aw.

-Well, at least
this will be here.

-Hey, Yoko come back!

-Grab this one.

-Grab it.

See if it-- oh, no.

Why?
Why?

-Got nothing.

Oh, he'll stay, Gordon.

-Hey, come on.

Joseph, come on.

-What a tease, a title tease.

Hugo.

There is Hugo.

-I'm going to miss those titles.

-Yeah.

-In 1985, during the course
of the work undertaken

to irrigate the Gobi Dessert,

-The Goofy Dessert?

- --there was a strange
fragment of rock was discovered.

Several remarkable
features of this rock

attracted the attention
of the scientists

engaged on the project.

-Ew.

Stinky cheese.

-They've said to
obtained a spool.

-A spool sample, if you will.

-Further analysis
showed the material

to be extraterrestrial
in origin,

and not of human manufacture.

-And it had never been
loved by it's mother.

-Where did it come from?

-Well, that's how they
make wonder roast chicken.

-Yeah.

-Then somebody remembered
that in June 1908 in Siberia,

an explosion occurred
equivalent in force

to hydrogen bomb, an explosion
visible within a radius of 350

miles.

At the time, it
was thought to have

been caused by a giant meteor.

77 years later, an
international expedition

tried to determine the
trajectory of impact--

-Ah, go figure.

- --and to find
some debris of what

was called the Toungoo Meteor.

-The Toungoo Meteor sandwich.

-Shortly afterwards, under
the auspices of the World

Federation for Space Research,
scientists meet to celebrate--

-Can I borrow a pencil?

- --the anniversary of
establishment of the first--

-I can't miss.

- --space station on the moon.

-I can't read the
board from here.

-Professor Harringway
from the United States

make a public statement
about the famous meteor.

-Ah, cut it.

-I hate it.

It's famous.

it's a meteor.

Thank you.

-Our calculations indicate,
confirmed also by the results

recently transmitted to us by
our colleagues on Luna 3 that

the mysterious Toungoo meteor
was really a spaceship--

-Looks like a Gerry
Anderson puppet.

- --from another planet, which
exploded in the air before

landing.

-So I was wondering
if you wanted

to go have dinner maybe
a little bit later on.

You know?

We could really get
to know each other.

I'm impressed with
your red dress.

-This hypothesis stimulated
scientific thought

throughout the world.

Reporters of every
nation are waiting

to hear what the nuclear
physicist Professor

Orloff has to say.

-Bug off, pal.

Orloff's here.

He's a real man.

-Professor Orloff,
is this another hoax

of the flying saucer variety.

And what about
this spool that was

found in the desert some
350 miles from the crater

of the explosion?

-What do you think about Roseann
singing the National Anthem?

-Well, I believe it
was a grave emergency.

When the rockets normally
used for deceleration

refused to function, the
captain of the spaceship

decided to save
what he considered

what was most valuable.

I'm referring to actually
to the spool, which

may contain a document
of prime importance

in an unknown language,
recorded apparently

by a magnetic process.

-Naturally.

-Hey, it's Vanilla
Ice's grandfather.

-An international committee
of expert linguists

was offered access to the
world's largest computer

to try to decipher
this strange language.

-Dear diary, today
I became a diary.

-This is Dr. Tchen Yu.

-Gesundheit.

-Not only is he one the
world's leading authorities

on languages, but also
his biological work

is of immense importance.

Humanity is in debt to
him for the technique

of transforming inorganic
substances into--

Look.

He's got his trainee hat on.

-He directs the committee with
world famous mathematician

Professor Sikarna whose work
rivals even that of Einstein.

-Morty Einstein.

-In the astrophysical domain,
we've made rapid progress.

And although we
haven't deciphered

the mysterious message, we have
determined the ship's launching

base.

-Ooh.

At the moment, there
can be no doubt.

-Ah-ha.

-This spaceship--

- --is goofy.

- --was launched within
our solar system.

I can even say that
it was definitely

launched from within
the path of our planet.

-Then why don't you?

-Since there can be
no life on Mercury,

there is only one other planet
that it could have come from.

-Uranus.

-I am referring to
Earth's sister planet

Venus, the Morningstar.

-Look.

It's the most advanced
Slurpee machine ever built.

There's the Cook Master.

Would you like some curly
fries with your gyro?

-Listen.

-Isn't that grand?

Ah, beautiful.

-I love this part.

-I can't understand it.

Could you turn the bass
down a little bit, please?

[COMPUTER NOISES]

-Do that again.

-The element is
existing on Earth.

-That's right.

It certainly is, a
chemical physical analysis

of the atmosphere and crust of--

-Sir?

-Don't interrupt me.

-I thought this thing had Dolby.

-Ah, this is what the teenagers
are listening to today.

-It's neat.

-That proves we were dressed
to casually for this.

-What we have just heard
are the first words

of the inhabitants of another
planet, a cosmic document.

-You're high.

Oh, that's just swell.

Lunch everybody?

-Yes, but it's unfortunate
that the magnetic spool was

damaged--

-Aw.

- --through the effect
of the high temperature,

which prevailed above
the cosmic vessel

at the time of the crash.

That's the reason.

We've only heard a
part of the text.

We must try to find a
method to renovate the rest.

-It's Nehru.

-First, we'll immerse the
spool in a chemical catalytical

medium and after that
subject it to radiation.

Tchen Yu?

-Gesundheit.

-Yes.

That's a very good idea.

All that we have learned
indicates that on Venus, there

is a highly-developed
life form, yet I'm

wondering why
Venus stays silent.

It's very surprising.

-They have trailer parks there.

-Now, we know a little
of this language,

we must, at every cost,
communicate with her.

-I agree with you.

It's high time we--

Ah, quit kissing up.

-Well then, I'd like to see
the throws of cause of action.

And I think the
most logical thing

to do would be to request
that our governments

consent to train all
the radio and radar

stations of the world on Venus.

-M-hm.

Well, good morning.

It's 8:15 and time
for our crazy call.

We're going to call Venus
and pretend we're Pluto.

-Ah, So that's a
cheese tortellini

and a couple of shrimp paesano.

-This is apartment 12B.

Could you send up some heat?

-Luna station calling
moon space station.

Attention please.

Luna 3.

Attention, please, Luna 3.

-A quit playing, Pong.

There's a message coming in.

-Thank you.

-This is station Luna 3.

-Welcome Matt Mason here.

We're bendy and flexible.

-Luna 3 calling Earth.

No replies yet from Venus.

Our signals are
reaching the planet,

but so far, there's no reply.

We'll keep you informed.

-Hugs and kisses by me.

-Look out for the box spring.

Oh.

-(TOGETHER) We are scientists.

Get out of our way.

-Good morning, my friends.

-May I please have an interview.

-This afternoon, I have news
of the utmost importance.

-Watch it.
Watch it.

It's coming around again.
-Whoa.

-As you probably know already,
our most modern spaceship

the "Cosmostrator"
is now completed

and ready to set forth on
our explorations of space.

-Here it comes again.
Look out.

Guys, excuse me.
-Watch it.

Look.
Here it comes

-Look out.

-The World Federation
of Space Research

has decided to change
the destination

of the "Cosmostrator."

Instead of sending
her to Mars, she

will be directed toward
the planet Venus.

-Venus.

V-E-N- --

-Is there any idea of
the date of the takeoff?

-One more question if you
don't mind, professor.

-Do you think there's
anybody living on Venus?

-Did you manage to make
contact with Venus?

-Right jump cut to the--

-No, my friends.

Venus is silent, but
we'll soon discover why.

-And who is going with you?

-Watch your backs.

Watch your backs.

I'd like to present some
of the other scientists who

will take part in
this expedition.

They're all first-class
specialists--

- --and snappy dressers.

- --among the most qualified
in their particular fields.

-Well over 4 feet tall.

-They with others
who are coming will

form the crew of
"Cosmostrator" I.

Ew. [COUGHING]

Well, all the
units of propulsion

are in perfect working order.

-Thanks, Len.

-The crew can now attend
to their personal affairs.

We'll start late
tomorrow night and fly

following a
hyperbolic trajectory.

-Good.

I'll make a last check.

-See ya later, Durand.

He's wearing a T shirt.

-Talua, will you please make a
thorough re-check of the radar?

-Right away, professor.

-This is Intevision
calling the world.

-Hi.

This is the world.

I'm not in right now,
but it-- never mind.

-We have come to you to
view the preliminary takeoff

of the "Cosmostrator's" rocket.

-Arriving now is Brinkmann,
the first American spaceman

to land on the moon.

-Oh, I don't think so.

-Run.

-Ladies and gentlemen, I have an
important announcement to make.

-I'll bet.

-Intervention is going
to present to you

minute by minute the
historic launching

of the "Cosmostrator."

We know very well how much
you'd like to be here with us.

-Oh, yeah.

-Unfortunately
that's impossible.

The only ones admitted
are those directly

concerned with the countdown and
final blast off of the rocket.

So I will try to
describe in detail

everything that's taking place.

-Or use a camera.

-Intervision will bring
to you the wonderful story

of this great event.

Ah, but here come the
first members of the crew.

-2 Live Crew.

-Among them is Professor Durand.

The chief engineer.

He's a French scientist well
known for his work on robots.

-I'll send it lots
of love, Dr. Durand.

-We'll load the crawler copter
later on in the evening.

That's, of course, if
it's all right with you.

-Yes.
Of course.

-I've checked out your
electronic equipment.

-Good.

-Thanks, Ed.

-Listen, you're all
to report to Station

A. Your celestial
charts are ready.

-Thank you.

-Lot number 4 is ready.

Go ahead number 50.

-Hello, Durand.

-Oh, Durand.

I'm glad to see you again.

-Don't lie.

-Still working as hard?

-How about showing me your
latest creation in robots?

I hear--

-How about shutting
up and letting

me get in word a edgewise.

Omega?

Come here, Omega.

-What's he saying?

-Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty.

Yes, Miss Betty.

-Oh, cute.

-Hey, you've missed a spot.

-Hm.

So whimsical.

-Omega, what's the weather
report for the next 10 hours?

-Well, it's going to be
50 degrees and cloudy.

-The monitor will
rise for milli bar.

-What?

-For milli bar.

-For Billy bar?

-Oh, that's fantastic.

-It's babble.

-Your latest invention?

-Well, nothing special.

-You can say that again.

-Such a small gadget.

-You're a lot too
modest, Gerald.

What else did you do?

-Oh, I don't think so.

-He reacts to stimuli
in his environment

and evaluates them with
his electronic brain.

-That means you can kick him.

-That means I've given
Omega an elementary memory.

-What a stupid robot.

-Perhaps he might consent
to play chess with me.

-Why of course.

Why shouldn't he?

-Oh, Harringway.

-How much is a Harringway.

-Best you think true,
the "Cosmostrator"

have reached Eurania,
Eight of them,

scientists, mathematicians,
and astrophysicists.

Seven men and-- and a woman.

-And a little lady.

-She's the physician
of the expedition

and has already spent
two years on Luna 3.

-Sumiko.

-I will as soon as
my lawyer gets here.

-Rick.

Have I change that much?

-Yeah.

You used to be a Swedish man.

-I don't know.

I got it.

Your hair used to hang
down to your waste.

-Mr. Brinkmann?

-Yes.

-You forgot this.

Oh, thank you.

-Your M, sir.

-You think that's funny?

-Robert Brinkmann, the man who
is always forgetting something.

-I have a reputation for that.

You're right, but there are
things I will never forget.

-Like Sarah, I mean Jan.

What was your name again?

-No, Brinkmann.

On a voyage of
this kind, there'll

be no room for excess baggage.

-Emotional baggage.

-Dr. Sumiko Ogimura.

-30 hours left.

30 hours and the
"Cosmostrator" will

blast off into the unknown.

-Kind of grabs you by
the po-po, don't it?

-Now, we will leave the air.

In the next two hours,
the crew of eight

picked for the
"Cosmostrator" will

be unable to communicate
with the world.

They're going into a state
of artificially-induced sleep

until the time comes
for them to take off.

This is to make
sure that they will

be in good physical condition
for the effort to count.

This is Intervision.

-Sure is.

-Good afternoon.

-Just try to forget me.

-Mommy, can I have
a glass of water?

-Brinkmann, in two
minutes, you'll

be asleep like all your kind
whether you want to or not.

-Oh, I want to, I want to.

-Now, I'm going to have you
watch this movie called Manic,

and it stars Andrew McCarthy.

-You'll be able to see
and hear your heart.

-Psychedelic.

-I'm very glad you're
coming with us, Sumiko.

-What did you call me?

-That way, I'll be near you.

-Your heart beat is normal.

-Oh, tell her you love
her you big galoot.

-My heart isn't.

-No, Brinkmann.

No.

No, please.

We mustn't speak of that ever.

-Let's talk about your pancreas.

-OK. [SNORING]

-Good night, Robert.

-Good night.

Oh, sorry.

-It's time for you to
sleep too, Dr. Sumiko.

-Yes, you're right.

-Horny.

Hiney, Homey.

Eeny.

-Cupid again.

-Oh, she's going to
be watching My Demon

Lover to put her to sleep.

I see. [SNORING]

-This is Intervision.

Intervision calling the world.

-Call your cable
company for Intervision.

-It won't be long now
until the blast off.

Tension is mounting among the
scientists and technicians

on the base, and
zero hour approaches.

-It's always zero hour
with these goons around.

-Everything is ready.

All we're waiting for is
the crew, and here the are.

-Hey.

-Motley Crew.

-Yeah.

-Members of the crew
are now finished.

They are now
boarding the vehicles

which will take them
to the "Cosmostrator."

-The whole alphabet is there.

We're going to spell out
the words good-bye, suckers.

-(TOGETHER) M-I-C,

-See ya real soon.

-(TOGETHER) K-E-Y.

-Why?

Because we're an
international task force.

-Good-bye.

Never get work.

Bring your duct tape
back for our outfits.

-You're all invited
back next week

to this locality to
have a heaping helping

of our hospitality.

-51.

52.

53.

-Hey.

It's the honeycomb hide out.

54.

55.

-Kind of.

-56.

57.

-This is the day the
teddy bears fly to Venus.

-59.

60.

-I can count to 60.

-OK.

-Rockets primed.

Ready for blastoff.

-Yeah.

-Breathe calmly.

Relax.

-Set a spell.

Take your shoes off.

-Don't tense up.

-Ignition system ready.

-10 seconds.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.
-He said six twice.

-Yeah.

I've done this.

-Stand by.

-3.

-Hey, It's hell.

-2.

-I'm sorry, Dave.

-1.

Zero.

-Wow!

-Wow!

-Hey, it's a Jack
Nicholson party.

-Light blooming ground
flower, then get away.

-Oh, we've got a split, guys.

We've got something
neat to show you, Joel.

-OK.

Cool.

-OK.

I think it's all done.

-Yeah.

It's great.

-I'm going to go get Joel.

-All right.

I'll wait here.

This is getting--
ah, it's so cool.

Wow.

-It's the neatest
thing in the world.

That's it.

Keep your eyes closed.
Keep them closed.

OK.
Don't look.

Don't look.

You promise?

-Yes.

All right.

-It's a super surprise
with cream on top.

You ready?
-A hat.

-Open your eyes.

Ta-da.

-Oh, a surprise.

Do you want me to open it?

-It's open already,
you silly Willy.

-Oh.

Well, What it-- what is it?

-Servo?

-It's the XD5000 RAM
Jet Super-Configured,

Limited Edition
Lightning Interface.

-Model L.

-Wow.

The-- well, does it talk?

-Oh, Joel, it's only the
coolest robot in the world.

It's our entry into
the land of robotics.

-Oh, yeah.

It is really cool.

It's got ah, well
this thingamajig here

and this ah, kind of head thing.

-Yeah.

That's the powered light
XL440 adapter plate.

I made that.

-I soldered it.

-Wow.

So I could-- could
I ask it a question?

-Well, sure--

-Sure.

- --if it would make
you feel better.

-Yeah.

Well, it's probably
so powerful, I

could probably ask it just
about anything pretty much.

-Yeah.

Pretty much.

-OK.

Ah, I actually got a
question here that I got.

OK.

XT4000.

-5000.

-I mean, XT5000.

What integer can be the
sum of itself and a number

less than the positive
square root of 30?

Here we go.

-M-hm.

Yeah.

Here comes the answer.

-Cool, huh?

-Wow.

Is it supposed to do that.

-Yeah.

That's the way the
XT communicates.

He talks in foam.

-Oh.

Well, that's kind of
an interesting way

to interface, kind of
a bubble memory, huh?

-Yeah.

Thank you.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-Oh, here comes the answer.

-And let me check it out here.

-What's it say, Croooow.

-Ah, I haven't quite
figured out to read it yet.

-Guys, it's kind of messy.

-Oh.

Well, I guess all computers
are butt proof, huh?

I'd like to be on the mailing
list for one of those.

Sign me up.

-Oh.

Yuck.

-Well, it's starting
to pile up here.

-Yeah.

Well.

-I think so.

-We thought you'd
be happy for us.

-Ooh.

No.

-Can we see if it's
commercial time yet?

-I think we got
commercial sign, you guys.

Yeah.

It's really neat.

-Sorry about the
mess there, Joel.

-Well, that's OK.

-We'll clean it up later.

-All right.

-Ooh.

-Luna 3 calling Urania.

Have cosmos data on our radar.

It appears normal.

-Well, feeling all right?

-Not feeling too good ourselves.

-Heh.

Riding the clouds.

-Heh.

I'll be fine as soon as I
scrape my butt off the ceiling.

-I'm going to loosen this
belt, it's uncomfortable.

-Ooh.

Ooh.

Ow.

Ah.

-Hey.

Be careful.

Don't forget there's no gravity.

We're in free fall now.

-No gravity?

-[LAUGHTER]

-I love to laugh,
long, loud, and clear.

[LAUGHTER]

-Oh, even I gotta laugh at that.

-Hey.

Nice dress, buddy. [LAUGHTER]

-Well, I'll be Uncle John.

We can fly.

-Switch on the official
anti gravity field.

Will you?

-[LAUGHTER] Oh, that's rich.

-Careful I'm pushing the button.

-Hey.

You're pushing 50.

You better get down
here. [LAUGHTER]

-Oh, let him go.

-Oh.

That meter's high.

-[LAUGHTER]

-Ah, funny.

Oh, Steve.

Your shin bone is sticking out.

-That with a dirty trick.

[LAUGHTER]

-"Cosmostrator" calling Luna 3.

Come in Luna 3.

-Well, our fuschia
point says there's

lots of good-natured
mending going on out there.

-This is Luna 3.

We are receiving you well.

Over and out.

Hello, Luna 3.

We hear you loud and clear.

-How are we coming in?

Over.

-Minus 2.

Plus 5.

Course normal.

Course normal.

-Our course is
exactly hyperbolic.

No deviations.

-We are passing within
1,200 miles of you.

-This is Luna 3.

We have established
visual contact with you.

-That's the Sinus Rorus crater.

-Hope there's a
good place to park.

-On the top of it is Luna 3.

-Mm.

-There's the solar reflector.

That signal is.

-Oh, blue moon.

You saw me standing alone.

- --without a
dream in her heart.

- --without a love of her own.

-That's where her husband fell.

I brought him back to the
camp, but he was already dead.

-He was all busted up outside.

-We were friends.

-You know, Sumiko is
a wonderful woman.

-This is Luna 3.

-Quick clowning around
and get back to work.

-I've picked up unexpected
swarms of meteor lights

in our radar.

Their present trajectory shows
that they may cross your path

and be very dangerous.

-We are receiving you.

Over.

-But we can only hear your chin.

-Here is a trajectory
coordinates and orbital

velocity.

Alpha x, 7 degrees 2 minutes.

Beta epsilon, 48
degrees 42 minutes.

-Now, here's Gordy
with the weather.

-Listen, I've had an extremely
urgent message from Luna 3.

A meteorite watch.

-Says you.

-Professor Sikarna, here's
the latest meteorite report.

Alpha x, 7 degrees 2 minutes.

Beta epsilon, 48
degrees 42 minutes.

-The meteorite swarm
should reach us

in 48 hours at the latest.

-Hey--

-That is if there are
no orbital situations.

- --wasn't he in Mork and Mindy?

-Keep close radio
contacts with Luna 3.

-And the seventh caller
will get a free album.

-"Cosmostrator" to Luna 3,
we've received your meteorite

warning.

We'll be sending the regular
coordinates of our course.

-Eh.

Whoa.

-This is the beginning
of my personal log book.

-Mr. Toothbrush, you're--

-There is no one
in nerve center--

- --the only one who
really understands me.

- --of the "Cosmostrator."

The computer is keeping
us on our course.

In case of unforeseen
circumstances,

it can take immediate
decisions to alter

our speed or direction.

This electronic brain will be
our pilot for the next 30 days.

-And our friend.

-Because no human being could
handle the immensely complex

machines of the
spaceship by himself.

-Except Steve Allen.

-Up to now, we have covered a
distance of 2,600,000 miles.

-Your mileage may vary.

-Dr. Ogimura is noting
our reactions carefully

and keeping close check on
our health and well being.

A special liquid
food which can easily

be absorbed in the
state of no gravity

is proving very
successful with all of us.

-And she's got a lot of fun
stuff to keep us busy too.

-Mm.

French dressing.

I love it.

-Our chief engineer spends most
of his time in his machine shop

testing his automats
over and over again.

-Oh, come on.

That's a rock tumbler.

-It is thanks to
them and to the fact

that they are in
perfect running order

that we are relieved
of many tiresome tasks.

-Like acting.

-Our expert in
cybernetics has to be

everywhere. [SIREN
SOUNDS] He's one

of the key men in
the expedition.

-All right.

All right.

I'll get it.

I'm coming.

-Professor Sikarna
devotes all his time

to the message from Venus.

He and Tchen Yu are trying to
decipher the damaged spool,

which means they spend
long hours at marrax.

-In little yellow boots.

-The electronic brain is
working night and day,

but no one can be sure
what the result will be.

-Ah, phooey.

Ah.

-Harringway, our commander,
is keeping a constant check

on our course.

-Well, this is the last
of the bathroom tissue.

-Our computer was
active last night.

It switched the rockets
on for nearly 17 seconds.

-Ooh.

I'm impressed.

-Perhaps to avoid
the media swarm.

-We won't be running
into it until tomorrow.

It looks like your
automats don't

have the same idea that you do.

-They make sandwiches.

-Dear Toothbrush--

-Professor Orloff is an
enthusiastic chess player.

-Oh.

-He has beaten all
of us, but I think

he's found his master in Omega.

-Heh.

Heh.

King me.

-King g8.

-Line?

Line, please.

Line!

-King e6.

-Ah, ha, ha.

Take that, pink boy.

-It's amazing.

He plays his end
game wonderfully.

-Boy, do I stink.

-I thought that I had
got him, but you see,

he's put his king on e6.

-Wow.

-I'm forced into
the corner at h8.

-Good evening.

Welcome to Alfred
Hitchcock Presents.

Just a-- just a dead joke.

-Good one.

-Yeah.

-King e7.

Check mate next move.

-Ooh.

I'll alert the media.

-He's a cokester.

-Hee, hee, hee.

-That is the 10th
match that I've lost.

I should give up, I guess.

-That's the spirit.

-I would suggest that you
make an improvement in Omega.

-Oh, really?

-If he only had a heart--

-A brain.

-A home.

-Da nerve.

- --he would let Orloff
win ever once in a while.

Don't you think you
can be able to do that?

Hm?

-Hm?

-Just a little bit
of heart, Durand?

-Yes.

I think I can do that.

-Ah.

He'll do anything to win.

-Oh.

The jar is off kilter.

Whew.

Oh.

-Roni's done.

-Fries are up.

-Irwin Allen presents--

-Chock Full 'o Nuts.

-Guess somebody forgot
to set the parking break.

-Oops.

-Big one.

-Big one.

Switch on the emergency gyral.

-Pop-O-Matic pops the dice.

Pop the six and you move twice.

Race your men around
the track, and try

to send the others back.

That's Pop-O-Matic Trouble.

-Somebody get that.

-I'm here, Steve.

-Oh.

-Hold me, Steve, again.

-Is that your leg?

Ooh.

-Well, brownies are done.

-Whew.

-Yuck.

Excuse me.

-Brinkmann, see if Tchen Yu
and Sikarna are all right.

-What about us?

Oh.

-How could this happen?

-There.

-I thought that
the "Cosmostrator"

was able to avoid meteor
swarms automatically.

-Now you can play
flag football anytime.

-She didn't react
quickly enough.

She was regulated to a
shower of under mass 8.

That was why we had to switch
on the emergency charges.

-Yeah.

Whatever.

-Orloff, how much
course deviation?

-What personally?

-Let's see $304.

$307.

We're in debt up
to our eyeballs.

-12 degrees 17 minutes.

-Our speed?

-Constant.

8.2 miles per second.

-My hair, fully quaffed, sir.

-I estimate the principle
swarm will be on us soon.

If we continue at maximum
speed, it will mean disaster.

-Stop that nutty horn section.

-We have to decelerate.

-Well, I can't think of a better
bunch of people to die with.

-Speeding motors aren't working.

What's the matter, Durand?

-Ah, they're not working, sir.

-Come on.

Just put a penny in
the fuse box, baldy.

Come on.

-The meteor fragment has
damaged the deceleration unit.

We'd have to go outside and
try and repair it right away.

-Outside?

In this weather?

-Southward swarms.

How long before the
main swarm hits us?

-I can't say.

It may be on us any second now.

-Brinkmann, will you help me?

-Professor Sikarna Tchen
Yu, are you all right?

-No bones broken.

-You know, I hurt my head.

-Please give me our
present deviation direction

coordinates and
corrected course.

-In that order.

-Hey.

A human and a salt
shaker fused into one.

That will put some
spice in his life.

Ha.

-Good one.

-Ah, sorry.

-Um, hey.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

-Just go in the suit.

-Oh.

-And now it's time
to $64,000 question.

-Bye.

-Oh, what a time to
get the whooping cough.

Mm.

[WHISTLING]

-Whoa.

-Hey, he's transparent now.

-Ow.

You know, ah, Bob doesn't
mad very well, does he?

-M-m.

-Gently.

-Watch out.

Everybody fasten your belts.

-Why don't you stop
breathing down my neck.

-Now.

-Un-uh.

-Ah-oh.

-Wrong.

M-m.

-Stand by.

-Hey, look at them
squirm out there.

Ha, ha, ha.

That's our Bob.

-Is it safe to start
the motors yet?

-Somebody shoot that turkey.

-Repair is completed.

You're all set. [BLEEP NOISES]

-Ooh, what a ride.

-"Cosmostrator" calling Luna 3.
"Cosmostrator" calling Luna 3.

The meteor swarm has passed.

-That outta hold them.

-Everything OK onboard.

-Space, the final fron-- huh?

-No.

No.

-Oops.

-Three weeks have g by
since we've left the Earth.

We should reach Venus
in about 10 days.

In spite of our enormous speed,
the stars seem to hang motions.

-On black construction paper.

- --due to disturbances
caused by the planet,

radio contact with Earth
is no longer possible.

-Hey, my boo-boo is all better.

-Too much interference.

I can't hear a thing.

-Keep trying.

-He's right, you know.

-Ah, alpha x, 32
degrees 8 minutes.

Beta y, 7 degrees.

-You sunk my battleship.

-You know, they're
backstage all of a sudden.

-What are you doing?

It's a booger.

-I'm making a heart for Omega.

10 consecutive defeats are
driving our friend crazy.

I want him to enjoy
his favorite game.

-Hm.

Thoughtful.

-I would like you to do
something also for me.

It would be nice to see
you eat occasionally.

It's Western French.

I made it myself.

-I swear I won't forget anymore.

-Sikarna said exactly
the same thing.

-Mm.

-Professor?

-Well, I poisoned the doctor.

-What do you want?

Please, not now.

-Your health is
my responsibility,

and you haven't eaten for days.

-I haven't a second to spare.

-Not even for creamy
dill and chive?

-Look at my new synthesizer.

-Wow.

Steve always drinks
my dressing at home.

Well, it's time to cut my
hair and get into a pantsuit.

-Sumiko.

You mustn't insist.

He's nervous.

He's having a very hard
time with that spool.

You understand.

Oh, that's great.

Who are you anyway?

-Knight e6.

Check.

-Does this guy have a job?

-I don't think so.

-It doesn't like that.

-It hurts him.

-King e8.

-Dink e dink?

-Mate.

-Congratulations.

You won at last.

-Funny.

-I used the classical end play.

-I think you deserved to win.

-Oh, quit kissing up.

-He plays a good game.

He's not very easy to beat.

-But I did it at last.

Man has defeated the machine.

-Hm.

Too much heart.

-That's right.

Maybe I care too much.

-Want to try?

Why not?

-Will you all come
to the marrax please.

-That's how it starts.

Hm.

-Hey, it's a cosmic document.

-All right.

-Hope there's no postage due.

-Lite-Brite, making
things look light.

Out of site, making
things with Lite-Brite.

-Hey.

It's a John Tesh song.

-You know, the final design
of the last part of the spool

gives complete meaning
to the cosmic document.

It says [GARBAGE SOUNDS].

-Well, it ah, it gets better.

Well, that's neat, but we need
to get back to the lunch room.

-I will translate.

-[GARBAGE_SOUNDS]

-We will initially
subject the planet

to a very intense
bombardment of radiation.

Conquest and
occupation of the Earth

will then present no difficulty.

When the ionization--
-Oh, he's reading Dyanetics.

- --we tested has
fallen by one half,

the final extermination
phase can start.

-This can only mean an attack.

Death to our planet.

-With Tiffany's.

-An invasion by the
inhabitants of Venus.

-The cosmic document was
not intended for us to read.

It's a cold-blooded
blueprint of destruction.

-Maybe it could a--

-We must inform the Earth.

I'll try to make contact.

-But I--
-Brinkmann.

-No.

Let him try.

-Will it due the Earth any
good to know what we know?

-The Earth is in danger.

We must warn them.

-Well, at least we
should try to go--

-Our planet was in peril before
they discovered the spool,

and nothing happened.

-He's right it's--

-There's no argument,
as we haven't

any idea how the
Venusians calculate time.

-Well, at least with the--

-If the Earth know of the
terrible danger threatening

her unrest and even hysteria
would spread like wildfire.

From pole to pole, the whole
world would be in a panic.

-That's two poles.

-No.

No, Orloff.

I'm convinced you're wrong.

-Oh, just shut
him out like that.

-For years and years, the
whole of the human race

faced the danger of atomic war.

-Yes.

-And they survived.

-Yes.

-Not through ignorance,
but through knowledge,

because they knew
what the danger was.

-Hm?

-Hm.

-Hm.

-No.

There won't be a panic.

-(TOGETHER) Ahhhhh!

-Tchen Yu, don't
you agree with me?

-I am sure that if we meet
the inhabitants of Venus,

we'll be able to
convince them it

would be folly to
start that war.

-Yeah.

Right.

-Talua, try to
contact the Earth.

-Ah, they're not home.

I left a message.

-I can't get through.

Too much disturbance from Venus.

Our signals are distorted.

-The Earth won't hear us.

-I said the Earth won't hear us.

-I'm filled with shame.

-Well, what do you say?

Shall we turn back to Earth?

-Oh, and end this
dream vacation?

-No.

-Nah.

-Return.

-Ooh.

I don't think so.

-Ever.

-Cowardly retreat?

Oh, please.

Sign me up for that.

-Ah, nah.

-All right, then.

We've got a war to fight.

-Durand, high speed.

-Steady 1,000 miles per hour.

In three days, we reach Venus.

-Good.

Talua, check our course.

-Yes.

It's good isn't it?

-Orloff--

-Yes.

That would be good.

- --the latest reading.

-Let's roll, guys.

-Our level of radiation
decreasing steadily.

-Are we going to
get out of here?

-I'll re-check
the neutral valve.

-Mr. Kruschev, take
us out of wharf.

-Hello, and welcome to
the satellite of love.

I'm Crooow.

-And I'm Tom servo,
and we are the hosts

of the all new Match Game 78.

So let's meet our
guest Brad Summers.

-Whew!

-Yay!

-Whoa.

-Ooh, yipes.

It looks like a foreign ship
coming into our airspace.

Cambot, give me
rocket number 9 quick.

Ah-oh, looks like
we got company.

-Well I'm going to go get Joel.

-Hell yeah.

-Oh.

Oh, holy cra-holy.

I'm hurt.

-Gypsy.

Hang on.

Gypsy.

Gypsy girl, whatever you
do don't turn around,

just don't turn around.

-OK.
-No.

No.

No.

Don't.

-Oh, no.

-That's just great.

We've lost Gypsy.

Where is Joel?

He'd know what to do.

-Help me you gregarious,
galvanized garbage can.

Oh, the pain.

The pain.

The pain.

-Danger.

Danger, Croooow T robot.

Danger.
No.

No.

Come on.

You've got me doing it now.

Get a grip, boy.

-I'm sorry.

-We have to remain rational.

This is just one of the many
sordid alien visitors that

fly by, exchange dialogue
with us for roughly ah,

two and a half minutes,
and then leaves.

It's no big deal.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I do believe in spooks.

I do believe in spooks.

Oh, mommy.

Mommy.

-Just stop, Tom.

Come on.

Get ahold of yourself.

It's a common
guerrilla, probably

one of those horrible
animal experiments

they used to shoot
into space, just

a big, old, dumb guerrilla.

The key with these creatures
is to talk nice to them.

Animals can sense fear and
rip your arms out your socks

and show them to you
in a moment's notice.

Watch this.

-OK.

-Hey, boy.

Here, kitty, ktty.

Hey Cocoa.

How's it going, boy.

Hey, he's going for it, Croooow.

-Yeah.

-Wow.

-That's it.

Just relax, you big, dumb dole.

Still bummed out that humans
evolved to be a higher species.

Yeah, you idiot.

That's right.

Still dumber than a bag
full of hammers, aren't you?

Yeah.

Now, listen Tom.

I know you're scared
out of your wits,

but I need you to sing
that guerrilla a song.

What's that song you saying
ah, last Wednesday at vespers?

-"Oh, Sweet Mother
of Mine," but I

don't understand
how that's got--

-Yeah.

But no buts, Tom.

Just start singing, boy.

-Nice guerrilla.

Oh, nice boy.

You crummy monkey
with matted awful--

-Hey, Tom Watch it.

(SINGING) Oh, sweet mother of
mine, 'tis only for you I pine.

And I'll try to get bail
and I'll drive up to jail

and I'll spring that
sweet mother of mine.

-You sang that at vespers?

-Well, why not.

-Hi, Joel.

There was a guerrilla
in the screen.

He was looking in the incubator.

-Just take easy.

Take it easy.

Take it easy, you
guys Take a breath.

Come on.

Take a breath.

-Ooh, we got movies.

Ah!

-The guerrilla in space hiding.

-Really.

Yeah.

It was really there.

-Sikarna looked like
that Gino Vannelli.

-All our efforts to communicate
with the Earth by Luna 3

have been unsuccessful.

-I love you, goofy toothbrush.

-We started to decelerate
by means of our rock motors.

Professor Harringway
is guiding the ship

into an elliptical
orbit around Venus.

We are now a satellite
of this silent planet.

-Well, tell me
something we don't know.

-We are still trying
but in vain to establish

radio contact with
her inhabitants.

A thick-walled cloud
surrounds the planet.

-Morning.

-3,500 miles.

-Thank you, Sulu.

-First analysis.

Venus atmosphere, 27% carbon
dioxide, 14% formaldehyde.

-The air, the air is everywhere.

-The Venusian
atmosphere is poisonous.

-Now we're faced with
a difficult decision.

As you know, we can only
land and takeoff once.

-Ah-huh.

-No point in taking any
unnecessary chances.

Now, one of us has got
to go ahead as scout.

-2,000 miles--

-We're close enough.

Now I'll go in the
crawler copter.

-Oh, the crawler copter.

That's your answer
for everything.

-You've got to try and find
a landing place for us.

We'll stay in orbit
at 150 miles altitude.

All right?

-The crawler copter is ready.

-Oh, everything is better
in the crawler copter.

-1,500 miles.

-What?

What?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey cut it out.

You're make me cry.

-Well?

-Orloff, it's don't before.

-Oh, not you too.

-Action stations.

Action stations, everyone.

-Action stations.

Figures sold separately by Miko.

Ah, don't do that,

-750 miles.

-Stand by.

We are now entering the
atmosphere of Venus.

Attention.

-Ooh, a hostile planet.

Ooh, put me on the guest list?

-I'm in the Willy
Wonka mobile, sir.

-I made this from a
soft-serve yogurt machine.

I call it the Fentoosler.

-Well, if that don't beat all.

I'll tell you.

-Looks like we're at
300 miles altitude.

The speed is 4.3 miles a second.

Are you ready, Brinkmann?

-Heh, heh, heh.

Ah, the guy is lunch meat.

Hi, Bill.

He's got no idea what
I'm saying to him.

You look good.

He's dead.

Good luck.

He'll never see
his family again.

Way to go, sport.

He'll be vaporized
within the hour.

We're with you.

Sucker.

-Hm, this baby is really comfy.

I wonder if the radio works.

-Brinkmann, hello.

Hello, Brinkmann?

-Hello?

What's the matter
with his receiver?

-I'm not getting you.

-I'm getting the Hot channel.

-There's something wrong
with your receiver.

Can you hear me now?

-I can't understand you.

Something wrong with
your transmitter.

-My transmitter?

Look, dick weed.

-What's the matter
with our transmitter?

They'll be electrical
disturbance.

We're completely blocked out.

-Hello.

Brinkmann?

What is it, Brinkmann?

-I knew I shouldn't have
switched from AT and T?

-Hey, I'm flying
through some confetti.

Ah, apparently they're
throwing me a surprise party.

Hoo-hoo!

-Radar in the cape's disturbance
is extremely mountainous.

I can't see anything.

I'm completely surrounded
by think clouds.

-Mostly produced by my own body.

-Wait a minute.

Yes.

I can see land, boys.

I can see land.

-Ah, traffic is heavy
over I-94 outbound.

-Hello.

Hello.

Clouds interference.

I can't hear you.

I'm landing.

-And I can't get up.

-Here she goes.

-Brinkmann is not receiving us.

I can't make contact.

-So that's a bad thing?

-Well, at least we have our
Ewok suits to cheer us up.

-24,000 feet.

-The paper is running
on whose suits you wear.

-Hey, he landed on a witch.

-Oh.

We've secretly switched their
planet with Folgers crystals.

-Omega, you take the lead.

Go on.

-This planet is a
cookie, a crunchy cookie.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Queen to Queen's pawn 4.

-We know.

-I'm right behind you.

I don't understand.

I'm puzzled by these
strange flashes of light

which we keep seeing.

-I'm also bemused and charmed
by this plucky planet.

-Bursting all around us.

What do you make
of them, Orloff?

-Flavor buns.

-My opinion, the atmosphere
in this area is ionized.

-Well, what's the cause?

-Atomic radiation.

-Then that means that they're
attacking us and Brink.

-We must fly lower.

We must get below
this bank of clouds

if we want to establish
contact with Brinkmann.

-And you should
all call each other

before the next costume party.

-Brinkmann calling
"Cosmostrator."

Please answer me.

Over.

-This isn't funny anymore, sirs.

Omega?

-I'm bolting.

This is bogus.

-I'm listening.

Be careful.

Danger.

-Oh, poison gas
for an atmosphere,

give me more of that.

-Intense radiation.

Eight.

-How long can we stay here?

-About three minutes ago.

-Eight minutes maximum.

-Turn back, Omega.

-Beedy, beedy.

Thanks for the promotion.

Jerk.

-"Cosmostrator!" "Cosmostrator!"

I don't hear you.

-Come on, guys.

Stop it.

Stop mocking me.

-Hello.

Hello.

Do you hear me?

This blasted radioactive forest
pool let radio waves through.

Go on, Omega.

Go on.

-Beedy, beedy,
beedy, beet cheeks.

-Keep going.

Keep on.

-Keep going.

That's it.

Keep going.

-Whoa.

Keep coming.

-Oh, crap.

-Whew.

-Hold it, Omega.

They're attacking us.

-It turns out he was
flying a pinto copter.

-"Cosmostrator," "Cosmostrator."

Do you hear me?

The crawler copter's exploded.

-A flash.

-Oh, I think that was
probably Bob cashing it in.

-Did you see that?

-What was it?

-I don't know.

The computer shows a pressure
wave, apparently an explosion.

Distance, 120 miles.

-Brinkmann.

-Oh, I think it could be a
signal from the Venusians.

-Or of Bob's fiery death.

-We'd better land at
once as best we can.

Talua, make a careful
check on our position.

And try to contact
Brinkmann again.

-Yeah.
Yeah.

When I get to it.

When I get to it.

-Omega, back here.

Quickly

-Hey, the carpet broke.

-Oh, boy.

He's fallen into a
Superbowl test chamber.

Schaper always
leaves you laughing.

Ah-ha, ha, ha, ha.

-Yeah.

It looks like we've
got visitors, boys.

Come on, smart boy.

Try your hand.

Come on.

Go ahead.

I sit on the right
hand of the devil.

I am evil incarnate.

Go ahead.

Hey, I'm tougher than you.

-Yeah.
I can get about a $1 for this.

I'm keeping it.

-I wonder if
they're good eating.

We can boil them in beer.

-Come back.

We have yet to taunt you.

We are the planet
of novelty items.

-Stand by.

Deceleration rockets.

-Thrust.

18.

21.

24.
-42.

Hut.
Hut.

-27.

30.

-Hike.

-Come on.

-It's Roger Ramjet and
his American Eagles.

He took proton pills.

-Hey.

Hey.

I'm down here. [COUGHING] Hey.

-I'm glad you're back.

We make excellent
stocking stuffers.

You will come to
know that in time.

-I know how to cheer him up.

Tickle machine Tickle machine.

Whoa, ho, ho.

Whew, hoo.

-Get him.

-Lock it.

Looks like a bad neighborhood.

-Plastic doggie doo.

Rubber vomit.

What is this?

-The planet of Johnson Smith.

-M-hm.

Hey.

These prices are
quite reasonable.

-His crawler copter exploded.

-Aw.

-Poor 'ole Brinkmann.

There's the cause.

There's a high tension
line underground.

Durand, get the crawlers out
of the way or the next time

the voltage mounts, exactly the
same thing will happen to us.

-Come on.

It just looks like a big fish.

-Mommy.

Daddy.

I am home.

-Oh, you wonderful,
funderful spunky little

robot. [KISSING SOUND]

-Omega.

-Oh, my god?

Did he say, oh, my god?

-Brinkmann, we
thought you were dead.

-I am filled with life.

Get to know me, friends.
-I am alive.

-You couldn't have chose
a better place to land.

-Why?

What do you mean?

-There's a high-tension
line over there.

-Ah.

What do you know?

-Your machine blew up just
because you landed right

on top of that
surface power line.

-Ah-ho.

That's rich.

-All we have to do
is to follow it,

and it will probably lead us
to the inhabitants of Venus.

-Or not.

-Oh, you're kidding me.

-There's no point in
trying to do that.

I've already found the
inhabitants of Venus,

and I've brought one
of the back for you.

-Ooh.

Ah, they're on sale.

Really reasonable too.

-What is it?

-It's art.

You bring your
preconceptions to it.

-I wonder if it
is a form of life.

-Great.

He put another life
form in his pocket.

-I'll investigate this.

-All right, Tchen Yu.

-Why are you still here?
Beat it.

-And while you're
doing that, let's

go and try to follow that line.

-OK.

-Still feel stupid?

[RACE CAR MOTOR NOISE]

-Way to go.

-Omega, come on.

-Omega?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Here I come.

Beedy, beedy, beet-so.

That's the way these
clowns order me around.

Huh.

-Crawler, please come in.

Crawler, please come in.

-Rib-it.

-Would you like fries with that?

-We're following the power line.

-Something very strange here.

A white sphere that looks
like a-- an immense golf ball.

-Ah, I think he meant goof ball.

-And it's teed up.

Looks like a Schlesinger 9.

What a hell of a line.

-It's incredible.

You think it's a
machine, Orloff?

-Well, I can't say, yet.

I don't know.

Everything here is so strange.

-Why do they have a bent
coat hanger on their mirror?

Is that for shaving?

-It's like trying to decipher
a bulk in an unknown language.

Let's hope that soon
we'll able to read it.

-Then perhaps we'll understand.

-You know we've
become fast friends.

-Let me know when you've
got your instruments ready.

Now, I'll need all
the figures I can get.

-Buggles.

Trombones.

-OK, Sikarna.

-Good.

-I knew he'd say that.

-Talua, stay in close
contact with us.

-Very well, Professor.

-I am looking at Venus
on the observation

screen at the "Cosmostrator."

Everything is strangely quiet.

Is this the calm
before the storm?

Why don't the Venusians answer?

-Why do I talk
into my toothbrush?

-Are these metallic
insects really

the masters of this planet?

-Ah, who cares?

-Tchen Yu is working
day and night

to solve the mystery of
these strange creatures.

-Tonight, big sale at
Bill Fiber Olds Town.

We've got hot dogs for
the kids and suckers.

Speaking of suckers,
look at this sucker

over here, a 1928 porter.

Hey.

Come on down.

-What a day, huh?

-Hey, how are the
sea monkeys coming?

-Hey, give me a
crack at that, huh?

Huh.

-We have investigated
your strange inhabitants.

They're completely harmless.

They're not a form of life.

-When I think how scared
I was in that hole.

-Your discovery is more
significant than you think.

I put one of the micro
crystals in marrax.

Listen.

-Oh, yeah.

That's really significant.

-Can't you get the
station in clearer?

Don't you have a converter
box or some tin foil

to put on the antennae?

-Rabbit ears might do it.

Hm.

-Oh, that's sad.

-Yeah.

-So--

-Yes.

-Those were the voices
of the Venusians.

I would say that these
strange, metallic insects had

a way of storing sound in
their crystalline nuclei.

-Heavy.

-Are you trying to tell
us that the Venusians used

these insects to record
both speech and sound?

-That's right.

-Well, that's fantastic.

-Well, thanks, but you know.

-Yes, that's true.

-Well, that would mean that
the hole which Brinkmann fell

into is a chamber of archives--

-All right.

They were all librarians.

- --of this planet.

-But then where could
the inhabitants be?

They certainly saw
our spaceship land.

They couldn't have missed
it, yet nothing happened.

-Well, maybe there's
a ball game on.

-Nothing at all.

-And my machine blowing
up, you call that nothing?

-Yeah.

-I need more figures.

-We had figures,
strange figures.

-More data, and especially
more of those metallic insects.

-Forceps.

-The research program is
going according to plan.

We are all fascinated
by the petrified forest.

-And it likes us too.

-But our space suits are
so heavy that working

outside the ship is difficult.

The investigation
of the power lines

leading to the white sphere and
measurement of tension changes

is done by a silograph.

The storms which
whip across Venus

only make the work harder.

-[SNORING] You know these winds
only make the work harder.

-That's where the lines
lead to all right.

There's no doubt.

-Yep.

I know.

I was a meter man once.

-That's it.

-Yep.

-That's the ticket.

Ooh.

-Tchen Yu is collecting samples
of sand carried by the storm.

-At least he
thought it was sand.

-Sometimes they are radioactive.

Sometimes they are not.

-Sometimes they are
soft and squishy.

-He is searching
for traces of life.

The long Venusian
night is always

preceded by a violent storm.

-Santa Anica with that.

-Tea time.

Star date 5239.5.

-Then the outside
work must stop,

and we spend our time
studying what we have found.

So far.

-Then we go inside to see
what the carpenters are

doing with that
Italian quarry tile.

-Ah.

-Do you think this
petrified forest

is a biological formation?

-You've got to tighten that
wing nut down on that camera.

-It could come from
a dried up sea bed.

-You're wrong.

-This is our secret formula.

We're going to
keep Tchen Yu out.

OK?

-Are the natural formation.

-Professor Sikarna has been
feeding figures and data

into the electronic brain.

He now has some conclusions.

He says that the
petrified forest

is an enormous
energy projector--

-Oh, he does, does he?

- --capable of destroying
all life within

a radius of millions miles.
-Believe this guy?

Jeez.

-Then it was bought by
the inhabitants of Venus.

-Yes.

This petrified forest was made
to be a weapon of aggression.

-Wish we had one of them
weapons of aggression.

-But then something
went unexpectedly wrong.

-Bush was elected.

-Perhaps they decided to disarm.

-Oh, you think that's funny?

-I'm afraid it was
more serious than that.

The metal insects
from farm forest,

show something very significant.

-That's very interesting.

-(TOGETHER) But stupid.

-Tell us more,
Professor Sikarna.

-Oh, don't patronize me.

-I do not yet have
all the facts,

but I think that a terrible
catastrophe took place

on Venus.

-Yeah.

You guys arrived.

-At each a certain stage,
I can't get any cleverer.

It's chaotic.

It's like-- it's like
everything was broke--

-Someone get me some
juice or something.

- --like there really
was a catastrophe.

Would it change the face
of the whole planet?

Then it was so
huge a catastrophe

as to be absolutely beyond
our powers of comprehension.

-So you're saying
it was really big.

-We can only solve
this problem by means

of further systematic research.

Take this great white sphere
to which all these power

lines lead and whose
function we don't understand.

-(TOGETHER) Please.

-It appears to be a
giant transformer unit,

or else it is a-- a
force field generator.

-You really have
no clue, do you?

-Another strange
thing is that there

is periodic tension in
the main power line.

-I-- I feel it.

-I would even suggest
that there might still

be Venusians inside the sphere.

-Oh, you would, would you?

- --who survived the
colossal catastrophe

that befell their planet.

They could still be trying to
send an SOS to another station.

-What should we do?

-I'm going to fix my hair.

-We must go out and explore.

We'll follow the main power
line to the other end.

-Oh, that-- huh?

-Hey, not that quickly.

-It's a planet of caviar.

-It's super ball world.

Brrr.

Brrr.

-Motorific Freeway and
Super City sold separately.

-GI Joe action cars.

GI Joe sold separately.

-We have been driving for
nearly seven hours now.

We are following
the energy line,

and so far, we haven't
found a trace of life.

-Says you.

-Zero runway.

-This power line has
got to end somewhere.

-What a dope.

Brrrm.

Brrrm.

-Dr. Harringway,
shall we keep going?

-Yeah.

Why not.

-Joel, what's a Harringway?

-About a pound.

Ha.

-It looks like they're driving
through polyunsaturates.

-Looks like the town of Bedrock.

-Oh, it's still the Folgers
flavor crystals I think.

-It's a place right
out of history.

-Hey.

It's an interstellar Stuckey's.

-We're still going forward.

Keep on following
us, and watch out.

-What's that?

-Hey.

It's Trump Casino.

-I don't know that.

Not natural forms.

It most have been
buildings of some sort.

-Ooh.

They lived in real
comfortable buildings.

Get me a lease.

-Oh, they look like
big, frozen loogies.

-Ew.

-Oh.

Huh.

Half a man high.

That's not supposed to happen.

-Hey, doesn't
Superman live here?

-Well, if he does
he's got freezer burn.

-There most have been as high a
temperature here as on the sun.

-Or Universal Studio's back lot.

-Every living
thing was destroyed

by an incredible catastrophe.

-It was one the humdinger
of a doozy, it was.

-Or not.

-Oh, come on.

Why can't I have a line?

-What are you thinking, Sumiko?

-The color red.

No.

-After the damage.

-M-hm.

She ought to stay
on her lithium.

Brrrrm.

Brrrm.

Brrm.

Brrm.

-Hey, look.

They got outer space
dance belts on.

-Come The power
line goes in here.

This must be the entrance.

-Oh, what was your
first clue, butt head?

-I agree with you.

-Come on, Omega.

We're going in.

-Omega?

-Come on.

We've got a job to do.

-Maybe I care a little too much.

-Beedy, beedy, beedy.

What's in it for me-dy?

[EERY OOH SOUND]

-Neat entry way.

Oh, Alexander Calder was here.

-Look.

Venus and the Earth, and
they're orbiting around the sun.

So what are we seeing?

-It's that model
from the beginning.

-Someone with a very different
vision made this movie, guys.

-Yeah.

It's from a book
by Lewis Carroll.

-Ah-oh.

It's a giant baby's crib mobile.

Let's get out of here.

-Kinda cute.

-Well, at least we know
they like to disco.

-Over here.

There's a shaft.

-John Shaft?

-That John Shaft's one bad--

-Hey, shut your mouth.

-I was talking about Shaft.

-You did.

Now shut up.

-It's busted Teddy
Time Pill down there.

-Huge control room.

-But who was servicing it?

-Say.

-Said that it's a pair to
this whole installation

is still under tension.

-Sexual tension.

-Whew.

-Oh, my god.

-Oh my god?

Oh, my god.

He's saying oh, my god.

-Ooh.

Somebody really cut
the mag one down there.

-That's strange.

What could it be?

-Might be the
missing power source.

-I don't think so.

-Look at those bubbles.

-You look at them.

I'm bitter.

-It's a kind of organic life.

-Oh, really?

-Yeesh.

It bounced back out.

-Oh.

A note to myself.

Don't throw rocks at magma.

-Um.

Ah that was me.

I'm sorry you may want
to start running now.

-Oh, a planet you step on
and it starts to crumble?

Ooh.

I want to go.

-Nice mat job.

-Omega, stop.

-Omega?

-I'm going to fight this thing.

Huh?

-Uh-oh.

-Ah, this planet's got a
saggy diaper that leaks.

-Ooh.

I want to swim in that
oozy, blue smokey stuff.

Ooh.
-It's coming out here.

Look.
-Ooh.

-Up the ramp, Sumiko.

Quick.
-Hey.

Where's Steve McQueen
when you need him?

-Whew.

Looks like the Maypo wants them.

-Beedy, beedy, beedy.

This is getting weird.

Buck.

-Looks like they're up the
creek without a paddle.

-Or a plunger.

-Washing machine.

-Give them a break.

They just stepped on a rock.

-Click a Karen
Fenley film. in here.

-They're coming.

-Oh, looks like it had
a hell of a grip on her.

-Heh, heh, heh.

-Well, that's what they
say, melts in your mouth

not on your planet.

-Huh?

-The Mars bar.

-Oh.

-You know, I'm not
hungry anymore either.

Now that I think about it.

-Hold on to me Sumiko.

-Ew.

-Brown 25.

Building block of the future.

-I'd say Mrs.
Butterworth is going

to have a lot of
explaining to do.

-You bet.

-With a name like Smuckers, who
really get the feeling for real

preserves.

-You wipe your feet before
you come in here, young man.

-Know what the need?

Some Kaopectate.

-Yep.

-Ah.

Now it's leaking baked beans.

-Oh, nobody told us
there'd be burnt newspaper

at the end of this road.

-No.

-Eh.

-Oh, you got a little
older and sleepier.

-We've got to find a way out.

-Ann-Margret must be
around here somewhere.

-Don't shoot, Durand.

Don't shoot.

-Ah, go ahead.

-See?

It pays to experiment.

-Yeah.

It's a quicker picker upper.

-That's a huge piece.

-Cleans up in a jiffy.

-Looks like someone
stands corrected on that

don't shoot line.

-What was that?

-About a million pounds
of dooty is what it was.

-Where are the others?

I can't see them.

-Beedy, beedy, beedy.

-Spunky.

Come back.

Come back, Spunky.

-Well, that scene
was a lot of crap.

-Ah, heh, heh.

-Beware the turd of RTF 7.

-Spotlight dance.

-I see what Durand meant now.

It's a model they used to
work out their plans of attack

on the Earth.

-A good thing the
Venusians could never

get far away from the bathroom.

-It said that they
would subject the planet

to a highly-intense
radiation bombardment.

Thanks to this device,
they calculated holatomic

beams to be directed
to our planet.

-I think you're quite right.

And directly beneath us is
their operational headquarters.

-Yeah.
Neat.

There it is.

-Oh, there's joy in Cookville.

Hoo-hoo.

Speaking of joy, let's blow.

-The magic toothbrush
will save them.

Go, Tuffy.

Go.

-And we'll be right
back after this message.

-Hi.

Ed Herlihy here hoping you're
enjoying tonight's KLACK

festival theatre presentation
of First Spaceship to Venus.

You know holiday season
is the perfect time

to enjoy KLACK's industrial
salad dose-based snacks

and snippets any time
of the day or year.

Start the morning with
a techni color yarn

by serving up piles up
flabby KLACK mother pancakes

dotted with dicey cocoa stumps.

Kids can't resist the texture
of KLACK's creamy clotted palm

spread squeezed out on
horse seed buscuits.

And don't forget the
cheddar snack-a-lots,

and top them with jimmy
hats for a Western round

up and safe snacking.

And moms, don't forget
to serve the clabber club

platters of salamander finger,
which is creamy crust puppies,

and hey, try a load of tackle
mincemeat relish parfaits

served up in a tulip glass
for that touch of elegance.

Uncle Bob's just out
of the institution.

Celebrate with skin
mittens brightened up

with gamy force meat
stuffing, and don't

forget those Polynesian
cheese devils.

Then pinch off some KLACK
hanger crafted cobber coils

to compliment to
Bastille Day buffet.

And lube up those
cooter cakes with

that incredibly-edible,
spreadable phlegm.

Watch Kitty's
galvanic skin response

shoot through the ceiling by
wrapping him in KLACK wrap

and making her the
festive centerpiece.

At lunchtime, light
your hand on fire

and plunge it into the
traditional gut loaf whistle

pie just like grandpa used to
do before they took him away.

And finally, dress
your holiday table

in style with a gold-roasted
mutant hell beast,

stuffed with
flesh-button dressing,

made fresh with KLACK salad
do's, cooter croutons,

and grandmother's ear
lobes always the best.

Accent with creamy crust
puppies, velvety chilled balls,

and of course, a mug
of holiday swill.

Remember, if you're
incapable of showing emotion

but know how to cook, KLACK
has a snack idea for you.

-Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

And we'll be right back
after these messages.

-To correct the call, please
hang up and call again.

To correct your call, please
hang up and call again.

-Sikarna the glass forest
is radiating energy.

Come quickly.

-Oh.

That's just what
I was afraid of.

-Oh, why didn't you tell
us, Mr. Know-it-all.

-Look at that.

-Ah, Makes me sick.

-The sphere has turned red.

-Maybe it's embarrassed.

-I am not surprised.

-(TOGETHER) Shut up.

-No.

Now everything is clear.

-I'm sure.

-The sphere creates an
artificial force field.

-Yeah.

-It strengthens the
gravitation of beast.

-Strengthens?

-Diminishes it.

Now, at this very moment,
the power is emitting.

When the energy is inverted, the
Universve will reverse itself.

We'll be held in space

-That's interesting, but
does it belong in the script?

-Dr. there's still time.

-Yeah.

Yeah Yeah.

If you build it, they will come.

-Quickly.

-Hello.

Harringway.

Come in please.

-Joel, what a Harringway?

-About a pound.

-Oh.

Three's a charm.

-Well, this is where
I want to live.

The weather is so great.

-Jeez.

I hope this baby starts.

I think I left
the dome light on.

-Ah, just throw
that stuff anywhere.

I kind of live out of my car.

Brrrrm.

Brrrm.

-Get into these
metal cars, you'll

be safe from the lightning here.

-Due to they drive AMC Pacers.

-Ha, ha, ha.

-I'm Getting carsick.

-OK. who knows this song?

Come on?

Let's have fun.

-I know.

-They're shadows.

-Thrown on the
wall when they were

hit by an atomic explosion.

-So they all look like
Tina Turner, I guess.

-Incredible.

-Those crummy vandals.

Can't leave anything alone.

-And now, the only thing that
is left are their shadows.

-[SNORING] Oh.

I thought you were going
to say something else.

-Good night.

May god bless.

-Well, the Maddox is
picking up commands

from the underground
nerve center.

-I knew that.
-Look.

The key.

It's using them to decode them.

-Why it's-- it's
incredible, Sikarna.

-Thank you.

-E equals Mc squared.

-I stole that.

-That's Albert
Einstein's old formula

-Yes.

But their integration factor
is a curve closed upon its own.

-Wow.

Really neat.

-Hey.
Hey.

Come here.

You gotta check this out.

Look at this.

-Hm?

-Take a look.

It's interesting.

-Well, that's a first.

-Oh, that's disgusting.

Ew.

-Well, that's wonderful.

Those are seeds.

-I know.

They're mine.

-They're plant seeds.

Yep.

-Where did you find them?

-I found them on the surface
near the nerve center.

-Spilled them.

-They were certainly
carried there

by one of those big storms.

If these seeds
are still fertile,

it proves there is
life on this planet.

[SIREN RINGS]

-Professor Sikarna wants
everybody in the Marrax,

please.

-Oh, that's just great.

We're busted.

-I knew you were
going to cut to me.

-Now, researches found on the
metal insects found in the cave

told us so little of
this planet's history.

As to the message, we heard
there's no doubt about it.

-They said.

Raid!

-The evidence of Venus
were contemplating

launching an atomic
attack on our planet,

but the attack
wasn't carried out.

-Good for us.

-An accident, they didn't
expect upset that plan.

-Great teeth.

-That atomic weapons go
out of their control.

-As did their balls.

-The chain reaction
was unleashed,

and they all perished.

-Only their shadows remained.

-I knew that.

-And their energy projectors,
although partially destroyed,

are capable of working again
if their energy reactions are

set in motion by some
accident or even by one of us.

-Why what do you mean, that
we've started the reaction?

-No.

Baldy did.

-When that rock fell into
the black mud, what happened?

-Oh, the rock.

Would you let that die?

-Almost as if the slime
was a living thing.

-Then something
terrible happened.

The slime began to grow rapidly.

-Then it got its own series.

-First it dilated.

Now, tell us, what
happened next?

The black slime started to move.

-Yes.

It began to follow us.

We were cornered.

-What did you do?

-I used the Deuteron ray
gun, and I shot into it.

-Then we frightened it
away with a coat hanger.

-You should never
have done that.

You started an atomic reaction.

-There was nothing else to do.

-They're always dump it on me.

-We had no other
way of getting out.

-Yes.

You started a
chain reaction over

the whole atomic installation.

-Happy?

-Now, we're really
in a nice mess.

Yeah.

Now, it's really
going to hit the fan.

-What can we do?

-What time was it?

-17 hours 10.

-I remember.

-I knew that.

-Yes.

Yes.

It was at that moment
the sphere turned red.

-It looks as if mass change
into energy by process

rather like that
of the atom bomb.

-I've written a poem about it.

-The people of this planet knew
how to reversed the process.

They changed mass into
energy, but also, they

could change energy
back into mass.

-Fantastic.

-The inhabitants of Venus
are, or rather were,

are in the advance of us in
the applications of physics.

That's one thing we
have to acknowledge.

-Beedy, beedy, beedy.

I got to go walkies.

Beedy.

-What the sand scratch.

-Hey, you kids.

Stop running up there.

-Omega, stop.

Omega.

-Get you.

You and your mother
and I are very-- oh.

-Bingo.

-Beedy, beedy, beedy.

Taste my steel.

-Brinkmann, switch
out all the automats.

-Talua, come and help me.

-He pops the clutch and tells
the doctor eat his rust.

-The glass fire is off.

-What?

-The sphere is turning red.

-Wouldn't yours?

-Orloff.

-What you call me?

-The radiation from
that glass forest

has upset Omega's
electronic brain.

The Barrax computer has
gone out of action as well.

-Look.

-Oh.
Yes.

Neat.

Now, can I get back to work?

-If the radiation keeps
on increasing like this,

we won't have a chance.

-Yay!

-Even with the
"Cosmostrator's" like Sheeling

will not be enough
to protect it.

-Duh.

-I think he has
internal injuries.

-Internal injuries?

Even in the afterlife?

-M-hm.

-Start up the rockets, Talua.

We must take off at once
before it's too late.

-I'm a little bit
mad at your robot.

-The marrax won't work.

The gravity peel is
increasing more and more.

The radiation's
paralyzed everything.

Nothing is working.

-Oh, tell us some good news.

-The operator is nothing
but a whole inert metal.

-It used to be cool.

-Dah, you rang?

-There's only one chance.

-Oh, your fly is open.

-We must try to do
what the Venusians did,

make the energy of the glass
force in the sphere change

back into mass once more.

-Wrong, but thanks for playing.

-Yes, but how?

-When the matter attacked
you on the tower--

-Ah, I'll be right up.

- --and you decided to use the
ray gun which changed the mass

into energy, I think I saw
something was happening

at the Venusian nerve center.

I think I know how to
stop the reverse process.

-But I'm going to
need a big granite.

-Can I use the rocket plane?

-And take it with you.

-Well, you're forgetting
the gravity field.

It won't fly.

-It's a crazy idea,
but it just might work.

-But the crawler would work.

-Now, get out of his way.

He's got a copter to fly.

- --Orloff.

-I'll come with you.

-You won't even know I'm there.

I'm just going to sit
in the corner and read.

-Hey, look.

Venusian blinds. [LAUGHTER]
That's it with the--

-Hey, it's Eric
Roberts' sex table.

-OK.
Up there.

Feet in the straps.

Oh.
Oh, no.

It's for him.

Oh, I see.

-That planet is covered
with creamy nugget.

-Ooh.

-We're entering
the Venusian city.

I reckon it's
getting much worse.

How is Harringway?

-About a pound.

-Oh, we did that.

-I was just thinking I didn't--

-Sumiko will manage.

-Hm?

Oh, great.

Admit me into this
hospital right away.

This guy thinks
he's Isaac Asimov.

-The big bone connect
to the femur bone.

I don't remember.

-Ow.

Oh.

At least you could
have put me under.

-He's breathing
out of a football.

-How are you coming
along, Durand?

-I think I found my class ring.

-I've managed to
fix the computer.

-Can you-- can you hear me?

Where are you?

Yeah.

Right under the table.

-We're starting to climb down
into the Venusian nerve center.

-Ew.

-Uuh.

-Come in.

Oh, sprained my knee.

Oh.

-Ow.

Oh.

Slack.

Slack.

Give me some slack there.

-You know, any interest I
had for them getting safely

off the planet has
been completely erased

by an miasma of boring
technical stuff.

-Oh, you said it.

Whoa.

-Come on, you guys.

Just try to stay awake.

If you would like to be the
number please call back.

If you would like to leave--

-Ho.

Ouch.

Hit by a phone.

-Ah, Tchen Yu,
I'm dangling here.

-Ah, it's-- it's
only my shoulder.

I-- I've got another one.

That's OK.

-Huh?

-My space suit.

It's punctured.

-And it's rented.

-I'm coming to help you.

-I'll tell you what, go on now.

You must save the others.

-OK.

-Harringway, I can't
hold out for long.

-Harringway?

-My air is escaping.

-Hey, can you give
me some slack?

Ah, never mind.

Hm.

Hm.

-The sphere is white again.

Look, Sikarna.

-Ready to pop.

-Talua has succeeded
in reversing the field.

My space suit is punctured.

My oxygen is escaping, and
the safety device has failed.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Shake it off ya whiner.

-Apparently, there's
a list of all people

who die in this film.

Ooh, sign me up.

-The gravity is back to normal.

I'll set off at once
in the rocket plane.

I'll get you out of it Tchen Yu.

Hold on.

I'm coming with oxygen.

-And bells on.

-Tchen Yu?

-Gesundheit.
-Bless you.

-Hello.
Tchen Yu?

-Gesundheit.

-Bless you.

Hold on.

Brinkmann Is coming.

-Bye-bye

-(TOGETHER) Wee!

-Tchen Yu?

-(TOGETHER) Bless you.

-Tchen Yu?

-(TOGETHER) Bless you.

-I must talk to him.

Tchen Yu, listen to me.

Those seeds that you
found, they're growing.

They're growing, Tchen Yu.

-Tall and proud.

-You've proved that
there's life on the planet.

Yes, Tchen Yu.

There's still life on Venus.

-I'm dying an agonizing death
and yet my seeds are growing.

I'm the happiest
boy on the planet.

-If you would like
to make a call,

please hang up and dial again.

If you'd like to make a--

-Hm.

-The breaking motor's dropped.

The breaking motors--

-Are off.

-Talua.

Tchen Yu.

Brinkmann.

-Quick.

-Come back at once.

-I knew they might die.

-We're being pushed
off the planet.

So the first process
is an action.

The energy field is
acting like a catapult

The negative gravity
is increasing.

-There see?

Look.

-Happy birthday.

-Ah, sure.

They're all going to
die, but it looks cool.

-Brinkmann, can you hear me?

We're being held into space.

Talua, Tchen Yu, Brinkmann,
are you receiving me?

Sumiko.

Sumiko

-Oh, no.

We must try and go back.

Please.
Please.

-Don't bother me.

I'm driving.

Go away.

Hey, guys.

Help me.

"Cosmostrator," where are you?

Are you receiving me?

-I can't get back.

I'm being held up for--

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Too bad.

Rocketing off the chart
with that immortal hit,

it's Bob's death.

Next.

Coming up.

Rocket man.

-Boy.

Estes has nothing on those guys.

-My dear friend
would never leave me.

Hey.

Come back.

-Wait a minute.

-You're taking off.

You're leaving me?

-M-hm.

-Harringway, Orloff,
don't leave me.

Don't leave me.

"Cosmostrator," "Cosmostrator."

-Oh, at least he's
taking it like a man.

-Now, you really find
out who your friends are.

-Oh, well.

-Luna 3 calling the Earth.

The "Cosmostrator" is returning.

The "Cosmostrator" is returning.

We have called and at the
moment, there is no reply.

-There's an angry black
gentleman on line one.

-He could be out back.

-Would you please
just turn that off.

Wow.

-Attention Mr. and
Mrs. North America

and all the ships at
sea, gutless astronauts

left friends on planet.

Returning today.

-Heh, hey.

She's nude.

-Whew.

Dome, dome, dunka
dome, dunka dome.

This is the triumph
of the end of movie.

They're coming back, and
we're here to greet them.

-Godzilla!

Oh, wrong movie.

Sorry.

-This is the music for
the landing of the rocket.

-The white zone is for landing.

For all astronauts making
connecting flights,

please consult your flight--

-Ay.

-It's the A team.

-Sorry.

-Must be the varsities.

-There's an M car
filled with A people.

MA.

MA.

-See it's a way to make words.

-Ma.

Neat.

-Looks like I got rhythm.

-I'm OK.

I'm all right.

-Hey, it's Devo.

-A. A.

-This is the song that we sing
when you come home from Venus.

Here's where we meet
the dancing A guys.

-Hey.

Maybe those guys read
Nathaniel Hawthorne.

-Could be.

-We're more popular
than The Beatles.

-Yay.

-Who are these people?

-Tender love scene.

-I greet the Earth.

I great you all.

-But not right now.

-So what were the guys like?

-We have learned much, but
we have sacrificed a lot.

Too much.

-Mommy.

[CRYING NOISES]

-Huh?

What the--

-Hey.

She looks kind of familiar.

It's my Aunt Betty.

-What's she doing there?

-Let us honor the memory
of three great men.

-They're standing right here.

-Talua saved the
expedition from disaster.

-And then became compost.

-Tchen Yu--

-(TOGETHER) Bless you.

- --discovered life on Venus.

And Brinkmann--

-Screamed like a baby when
we flew off and left him.

- --first human ever to
set foot on the planet.

-Tisk.
Tisk.

Tisk.

-May they never be forgotten.

-So lunch everybody?

-We found traces of a
great civilization that

had advance beyond
our comprehension.

The Venusian science had
gone beyond their power

to control it.

The dreadful catastrophe
fell upon them.

-My one piece of advice, do
not have the Venusian Poo Poo

platter.

-We still have a
grave task before us.

-Covering the whole thing up.

-We must choose
our other planets.

We'll fly further and further.

It's mankind's destiny.

-Ooh, Junk bed
it's important too.

-Hey.

Who's this?

Who are you?

Hey, get her off me.

-Let's scoot guys.

-Yep.

-Better go.

-Yay.

-Oh, man.

At least we're not going to
have to go through that again.

-Oh, what a shame.

I'd like to go through some
of that again real soon.

-Actually, I kind of liked it.

-Oh, ho, ho.

It was all too beautiful
like watching the old New

Adventures of Perry Mason or
any Monte Markham television

project.

Ooh.

-Yeah.

Kind of reminded
me of like mornings

I'd eat way too
much Sugar Crisps

and then watch
the Three Stooges,

and you could kind of smell
mothballs in the other room.

-That sounds like
cozy fun, Joel.

-Ooh.

It made me feel like
I did after I learned

that Neil Diamond
wrote "Red, Red Wine."

Ooh.

Two giant scoops of that for me.

-Well, I-- I thought
it was pretty good.

Ah-- ah, I mean, it had some
spots that were kind of slow,

but I like the
international flavor,

and well I had a lot of action.

-Kind of reminds me of
watching Stallone explain

his theory of life
on the Donahue Show,

and you can kind
of taste copper.

-Oh.
No.

No.
No.

No.

If watching that
movie was like nodding

through the entire
Jerry Lewis Labor Day

telethon complete with a
tearful Dean Martin Jerry Lewis

reunion, Mr. Bojangles,
and Joey Bishop,

and only waking up during
the parts of the show that

come from the lame-o local
network affiliates, ooh,

sign me up for
hours of that kind

of rip our collective hearts
out and show them to us

on national television.

That's what I wanted.

More of it.

I don't think so.

-Hey.

-Wow.

Well, I guess we
should ah, I guess

we should read a
letter now, huh?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Well anyway.

I've got some letters
here from some.

Thanks for writing in everybody.

Really appreciate it.

This first one comes from Amy
Bochard of Boys Ranch, Florida.

She writes, Dear Crooow,
let's put that up on still

there sir ah, Tom Dear Cambot.

Dear Crow, Tom Servo, Joel, and
Gypsy, you guys are real funny.

I want you guys to write back.

My whole family likes
to watch your movie.

We watched seven of your movies.

We like the Beach
Movie the best.

Amy Bochard seven years old.

And there's a drawing,
and it's got me

saying, puma, puma, puma, or the
guys saying puma, puma, puma.

And then it says
Louis Moff in 1955.

And then it's got Tom Servo
saying puma, puma, puma.

And then I'm going
meow, meow, meow.

And you're going
whew, whew, whew.

-Very cute.

-Yeah.

And then there is this one.

This is from Jennifer
Michelle Kaylis from Lebanon.

Wow.

Put that on stillster there,
and that says, Scarecrow,

I like you.

-Hey, I like you too.

-Me and my daddy
died die laughing.

Question.

OK.

Hey, I like that movie with
the girl singing a song

and you started dancing.

How are you so funny?

Question mark.

Talent?

Question mark.

-Read the book.

-Yeah.

-Question mark.

-Me.

-Anytime you want to read the--

-He's kind of out of it.

-Yeah.

Do you want to read it, Tom?

Ah, Crow?

-Oh, read the address so that
a bunch of pathetic urchins

can write to us?

Sounds like super fun.

-Oh, come on.

-Ah just kidding.

Just kidding.

-Oh, you. little-- I'm
going to give you a chin.

Rascal.

You little dickens.

Yeah.

-I'm not dead.

Oh.

I'm getting better.

Hey, he's OK.

-Oh, good.

-I'm so happy, happy, happy.

-Oh, good.

He's all right.

You too rascal.

Well, it looks like we're
a family again, huh?

-Oh, yeah.

What do you think Servs?

-Oh, you guys are too much.

Oh, I'm giving
myself a chin rascal.

Oh.

-Frank!

-Oh.

Looks like I'm going to have to
do this all by my little self.

Oh.

Chin rascal.

Chin rascal.

Chin rascal.

Chin rascal Aw.

[COUGHING AND STRANGLING SOUNDS]