Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 3, Episode 1 - Rocketship X-M - full transcript

-♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ Next Sunday, AD

♪ There was a guy named Joel

♪ Not too different
from you or me ♪

♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute ♪

♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit ♪

♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place ♪

♪ But his bosses
didn't like him ♪

♪ So they shot him into space

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst we can find

♪ La-la-la

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor his mind

♪ La-la-la

♪ Now, keep in mind,
Joel can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪

♪ La-la-la

♪ Because he used
those special parts ♪

♪ To make his robot friends

♪ Robot roll call

-Cambot!
-Pan left!

-Gypsy!
-Hi, girl!

-Tom Servo!
-What a cool guy!

-Cro-o-o-ow!
-What a wisecracker.

-♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts

♪ La-la-la

♪ Then repeat to yourself,
it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪

[Creaking]

[Doors whooshing]

-Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh.
-See, this is a Dutch Navy rub,

the kind they give you
in the service.

-Ow, ow, ow.
-Baby. Baby.

-Oh, geez. Hi.

Boy, it's really a hairy day.

I got a load of laundry and I
just got done

givin' the robots a bath
and I'm about to put them down.

-Ahh! No!
-Then I got to clean up

the load pan bay.

-Aw, Servo messed it up.
-No, no, it was both of us.

We were having sword fights.

[Both laugh]
-20 seconds to commercial sign.

-Oh, stop it.

-You guys just got
to take it ea--

-Joel, tell him to stop.
-Would you take it easy?

You're just over-tired.

-Commercial sign in 10 seconds.

-I don't want to hear another
peep out of you two, alright?

-Commercial sign in 5,

4, 3, 2, 1.

-Peep.
-Peep.

-Alright, that's it!
-[Laughs] Hey!

-Good one, Crow.
-Good one.

-Nice stuff.

♪♪

I know you are, but what am I?
-Ah, you're another one.

-I know you are, but what am I?
-You're dumb.

-Baby. Baby.
-Listen. Listen!

You guys better stop it,
or I'm gonna give you

both a time-out, okay?
How's that make you feel?

-Joel, you -- you said we could
stay up for the movie.

-Yeah!
That's what we're designed for.

-Yeah.-Listen, okay, if you're really,

really good, you can stay up
for the movie, okay?

-Okay. We'll be really good.
-Yeah. We promise.

-Okay. Now look sharp.

The mad scientists are calling,
alright?

-Hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay.

Now, do you have that --
that prism-lens effect,

that fly-eye thing
we talked about?

Uh, you know,
like at the beginning

of "Family Affair,"
that -- that kind of thing.

We'll do that here, alright?

Well, Joel, we're just
tidying up down here a bit.

Let's get right to the inventionexchange this week.

What do you say?
Have at it.

♪ We're gonna the movie

♪ We get to watch the movie
-Hey, come on.

Cut it out, you guys.
-Yay!

-I want you to go turn off
the lights, you spinach chins.

I want to show them
Gretchen the Slinky, okay?

That's better.

Well, I -- some exciting things

have been going on here
in the Satellite of Love.

I realized that if you gave the
right chemical bath to a slinky

and then exposed it
to some ultraviolet light,

some interesting things
would happen.

I want to show you
Gretchen the Slinky.

Hey, Gretchen, wake up.
Come on.

There you go.
See?

She's doing really good.
Yeah, that's right.

She likes to be around people.
Come on.

Hey, come on.
You want something to eat?

Here, I got some carpet for you.

You like carpet, don't --
You don't like -- Oh, come on.

Have some carpet.
Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, she loves carpet.
You want some more?

Come on. There's some more
there. Finish it up.

Okay. Now let's show them
what slinkies do

when they sleep, okay?

I'm gonna put you --
show you how you sleep, okay?

Just hang you up like this.

See? They -- They rock
themselves like that, okay?

Alright, and do one last thing
for them,

Gretchen, okay?
Alright?

I want you to do one last thing.

I want you to do your impressionof the '60s, okay?

On the count of three, alright?

One, two, three.

Do your impression of the '60s.

That's good.
Alright.

Cool.

-That is adorable.
I wish I had one of those.

It must be kind of hard
to take care of.

I bet. [Chuckles]

I remember when I was
a kid once I had this slinky.

I put it on the escalator.
[Chuckles]

-Frank!
-Oh, here comes Dr. Forrester

now with his invention.

[Wheels squeaking]

-Well, Joel, this inventionis based on the old Slinky Train

toy I had as a kid.

It allows me to be in two placesat once,

connected by
the special bio-tube.

Well, it's --
it's much too complicated.

It would take a scientist
to explain it,

and I'm simply too mad.

Well, what do you think, Joel?

-Hey, you guys are always
stealing my ideas.

-We're monitoring
your mind, Joel.

Besides, in space,
no one can hear you sue.

-[Chuckles]
-Tell him, Frank.

-That's right.
We're evil.

Evil!

Those are just the most
delightfully cute creatures.

I want one like that.

I want a little critter
just like that.

I'm gonna go to the Hasbro
humane society --

-Frank!
-Huh?

-Your movie this week, Joel,
is not a science-fiction film,

but it's perfect
for our experiments.

-[Chuckles]
-It's just bad.

Tell him, Frank.
-That's right.

It's a diabolical cinematic --
It's just bad.

-Yes.
Remember that bad thing we saw?

This is even worse than that.
-Yes.

That's right.
-It's bad.

-It's bad.

-But it's our kind of bad.

-It's a --
-It's a good bad.

-It's bad.
-It's good for us.

-Yeah.
-Bad for you, Joel.

[Alarm blaring]
-Oh!

The movie sign!
-The movie sign!

-Ahh!

[Doors whooshing]

[Screeching]

[Buzzing]

-Man, those scientistsare always trying to rip me off.

-Ah. Cheers.

-Oh, thank you.

[Engine revving]

-Uh... this -- this is gonna
be hard to watch.

[Revving continues]

-Postage Stamp
Theater presents...

-Hey, they shot this
with a 3-millimeter camera.

[Chuckles]
-I'd like to shoot them

with a 3-millimeter howitzer.

-"The Sidehackers"?
-Bigger. It's got to be bigger.

-Is that what happens
when a guy spits

out of the side of his mouth?

-I think it's computer freaks.

It's a side sale on parts.
-[Chuckles]

-Oh, great.
I love orange soda.

-I liked it when they used
to shoot movies

in Orange Julius-Scope.

[Engines revving]

-Well, they can't be that good.
Look.

They need training wheels.

-Hey, the scientists
must be showing us ESPN.

Maybe they'll show kickboxing
from the Philippines.

-Oy.

[Up-tempo music playing]

Tonight's episode --
"Bicycle Built for Death."

-"Baby, Can You Drive
My Murder?"

-"These Boots Were Made
for Arson."

-"Two Wheeler, Four Wheeler,
Dead Wheeler."

-"Easy Rider, Easy Dead."

-Tonight, Act I, with very
special guest Ross Hagen.

-And J.C. Hoffenpoffer.

Try the fintoozler.
-[Chuckles]

♪♪

-Hey, pretty snazzy track.

-Shouldn't you do that
in the Caribbean?

♪♪

Filmed in Long Torso Vision.

-Whoa.
-Hey, Diane Tessier, Joey --

Hey, the whole Tessier clan
got in on this.

-Yep.
-You know,

now that sidehacking's so big,

it's really interesting
to see its humble origins.

-♪ Five the hard way

♪ No easy time

♪ Five the hard way

-Based on the award-winning
stage play by Lillian Hellman.

[Laughs]

-Director of blurriness,
Jon Hall...

and Daryl Oates.
[Chuckles]

-Hey, check the map, will ya?

Why me?
Why me all the time?

-Hmm, Pat Somerset...
Maugham.

That's what Noel Coward
used to do. [Chuckles]

-♪ Five the hard way -And the Mike Curb Congregation.

-Hey.

-And the rest.
-Art director, Lee Fossil.

-Assistant cameraman,
Vince Dyslexic.

-Assistant script supervisor,
Eddie Glaucoma.

-Music editor --
uh, can't read it.

[Indistinct singing]

-Hey, let me up there.

-That's no way
to kill hemorrhoids.

-My dog used to do that
on the driveway.

-Oh! Oh! Oh!
-Get it! Get it! Get it!

-Oh! Oh! Oh!
-He was in "Porgy and Bess."

-No one's legs were ground off
in the making of this film.

♪♪

-I lost my contact.
Help me.

-Help! I'm sidehacking
and I can't get up!

-I'm having butt pains.

-Well, we'll be right there,
Mr. Stumpy.

[Cheering]

-There's our Jon Hall again.

[Indistinct singing]

-She's happy.

-So that's how Ross Hagen
got in the film.

He slept with the producer.
[Chuckles]

-♪ Five the hard way

-Hey, it's Hunter
S. Thompson.

I didn't know sidehacking
was so gonzo.

-Yeah.

[Cheers and applause]

Real winner's circle,
full of burning tires.

-Ah, used to be
a Renaissance festival

as far as the eye can see.

-Undercooked pork
by Gus Trichinosis.

-Come on. Let's go.

[Soft music playing]

-Meanwhile, in another movie...

Hey, they're film--
filming a Kotex ad --

I'm a -- [Chuckles]
I can't say "Kotex."

I'm a robot.
[Laughs]

-Let's check in and see
what the Gatsbys are doing.

-Last one to the montage
is a rotten egg.

-Let's walk ankle deep in filth.

-So, what's so bad
about feeling good?

-Hey, woman.
-Haircut by Chad Everett.

-Come here.
-No.

No. [Laughs]

-You little tigress.
[Chuckles]

-They look like they're filming
a "Star Trek" episode.

-Help me, Kirk!
Help me!

I am Kirok!

-[Breathing heavily]

-Ah, life is good, isn't it?

Our love is clean love.

-After we're married,
I still want this.

-What? This tree?
-What do you mean?

-Being out here where no one
can bug us, just you and me.

-Oh, yeah.
I love that idea, too.

-Yeah.
-Hey, we think alike, don't we?

-We both share a brain.

-Uh-huh.

Mwah!
-Hey, come here!

-I'm gonna break your shin,
you little tigress.

[Chuckles]

-Hey, Joel, where do you suppose

these guys are working now
that cigarette ads are illegal?

-I don't know.

Maybe they're, uh,
working on "PM Magazine."

-Oh.
-Rommel...

-Remember when we were making
a film called "Sidehackers"?

-Let's see.
You forgot your socks?

-No, silly.
My underwear. [Chuckles]

-Whoa.
-You blew your nose.

-[Chuckles] No.
Come on.

-Okay.
What is it?

-Uh, David McCallum's
coming over for dinner.

-Yep.
-I'm thinking that you're

the most beautiful man
in the whole world.

-I'm thinking you're right.
-Come on. Men aren't beautiful.

-Well, you are.
-Yeah?

I can see why, honey.

-And you taste good, too,
but your lips are drugged!

Ah!

Whoa.

-Hey, I'm tripping.

No, I'm really tripping.
-Ouch. Ouch.

There's a protractor
in my pocket.

-[Imitating Jerry Lewis]
And then we got the bloom

in the pa--
I'm sorry about my hand, Lady.

Lady! Oh!

-[Imitating Dean Martin]
Oh, come on, Jerry.

-[Imitating Jerry Lewis]
Mrs. Morgan.

[Speaking gibberish]

-[Imitating Dean Martin] Now cutthat out, Jerry, and get off me.

-[Imitating Jerry Lewis]
I'm sorry about the cards

and the keys.
Ow!

-[Imitating Dean Martin]
Get your knee out of my groin.

-Best roll in the hay
I ever had.

[Chuckles]

-[Imitating Jerry Lewis] Oh, oh!Whoa! Ohh!

Oh, lady!
Ohh, you're -- Ahh, ahh.

-Even this grass is -- is --
It's drugged!

[Mid-tempo music playing]

-Had enough to eat?
-Yeah, I grazed enough.

Thank you.

I guess we should talk now.

[Birds chirping]

-But not of you.
-Huh.

-Mm-rrm.
-Hmm.

Now do that tiger noise again.
Growl.

-Uh, oh, that's good.
-Yeah, it sure is.

-Grr.
-Mm.

Grog think love good.

-Want to guess what it is?
-Uh, Nintendo?

Money?
-Fuel injection?

-Okay, let's see.
Um, a new car?

-Next one.
-Nope.

You got two more guesses.
-Pass!

-Uh, sweater, pants...
-Pass.

-...shirt, socks, underwear.
-Come on.

That's more than two.
-Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.

-Oh. Okay.
What is it?

-It's a lock.

[Groaning]

-What?
-You heard me -- a lock.

-A lock.
You know, little fish.

You eat them on bagels.

-Now, what am I
gonna do with that?

-It's what I'm gonna do with it.

-Hmm?
[Chuckles] I see.

What's that?

-I want you to wear it, okay?
-In your septum.

-Okay.
-[Chuckles]

[Engine revving]
-Hey, Luke.

So, she gave me this lock,
like an engagement ring.

-[Grunts, growls]
-So, you had a good time

yesterday, huh?
-Yeah.

Sorry that you and Lois
couldn't make it.

-Hey, why don't you shut off
that motorcycle so we can talk?

-Besides, you and Rita should
have some time to yourselves.

You'll see what I mean
when the kids start coming.

-Yeah, it's funny.
We talked about that yesterday.

-Yeah.
You sound like me

when I was about to
take the big step.

-Yeah?
What do you mean?

-Asking yourself 101 questions.
-Can you open the garage door?

-Remember when we used
to be smart?

-When you're finally doing it,
it won't seem so big!

-Yeah, maybe.

[Revving continues]

[Revving stops]

-Look, you ever seen me
look so happy?

-Yeah, but you didn't know
I was watching you.

-I've never seen you
looking so fat.

-Fat?
-Look.

-Yeah, I got to
start watching that.

-[Chuckles]
-Well, family life's too easy.

It makes a man soft.

-You know what you got
to do, Luke?

Get out more.
Exercise.

-Exercise?
-Yeah.

-Well, I may be soft,
but I'm still...

-Stupid.
-...fast!

-Whoa!
-Hiya!

[All shouting indistinctly]

-Hello!
-Hello!

-Hello!
-Time for the main event?

-What can we do for you?
-Hey, it's Dick Shawn.

-I got a bike that needs
some repairing.

-Well, if you're not in
a big hurry...

-Hey, boss,
that's airplane glue.

-...we got a couple
ahead of you.

-Well, I got an exhibition
in Frisco in two weeks.

-Then you won't be
needing those clothes.

-You think you could have it
ready by then?

-Let's have a look.
-Outside, in the truck.

-Wait.
You coming on to me?

Hmm?

[Door opens]

-So, this must be
what they call a garage.

Kooky.

-It's a nice job
you've got here.

-It's neat.
-Well, uh, thanks.

-The way J.C. rides, he could
keep you in steady business.

-Oh? What do you mean?

-Exhibition riding --
fairs, rodeos.

-Weddings, bar mitzvahs,
you know.

-He can make a bike do anything.-In fact, I'm a bike.

-I didn't get your name.
-Rommel.

-Oh, you magnificent son
of a bitch.

I read your book!

-Nope.

[Sultry music playing]

-You got a cigarette?

-Got a dopey hat?
-Nope.

-[Chuckles]
-You think that's funny?

-You sure don't have much
to say, do you?

-Nope.
-Nope.

-You trying to say something?
-Nope.

-Nope.
-Nope.

-[Chuckles]
-Nope.

-Paisley!
-Guessed it.

He looks like Budd Friedman.

I hope he doesn't try
to hug everybody.

-What's with the, uh,
training wheels?

-[Chuckles]
It's called a sidehack.

-We built a whole movie
around it.

We had to pad out that first
scene with the meadow, though.

-What's it for?
-We use it for racing.

You have a pilot
and a passenger.

It's up to the passenger tobalance out the bike on corners.

Teamwork.
-I see.

The guy rides,
hanging onto this bar here.

-D'oh!
-D'oh!

-Where do you ride 'em?

-Well, uh, we're having
some trials this weekend.

-Hey, this whole movie
is a trial, alright?

-[Chuckles]
-[Laughs] Sidehack, huh?

-I like it.

-We can have it ready for you
by the middle of next week.

-Middle of the week, huh?

You told me two weeks, Nero.

What are you,
an idiot or something?

-Hey.
-Uh, you want to give me

some time to think about that?

Uh, I don't know.
Maybe.

Uh... uh, no.

-We'll see you next weekend.

This sidehack thing I will see.

-I will see it!
-Me too.

-Me three.
-Mm-hmm.

-Ah, weird little guy,
wasn't he?

-Maybe he'll let me call him
"little buddy."

-You invite him out?
-Yep.

-Sure, I swing.
-Both ways?

-I thought you left that allbehind when you bought the shop.

-Oh, sometimes you talk
like an old man.

Left all what behind?
-Trouble.

-Right here in River City.
-Now, what do you mean by that?

-Capital "T," rhymes with "C,"
stands for "chick."

-So what?

-So, that's no situation
to get yourself into.

He's bad news.

And that's his old lady.
They're all nuts.

-That little guy
in the mirror there.

-...following fairs and rodeos
and the other half

blowing their minds.
-Wow.

-Oh, now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

The little lady comes in here

and starts
throwing her butt around.

Now, what am I supposed to do --run in the corner

and hide or something?-Get out of the way of the butt.

-Now, don't tell me
you weren't looking at it.

-Alright, forget
I said anything.

-Alright, I will.

They come in here, and they wantto give us some business, right?

-Fine, but she's gonna want
some business, too.

-Okay, but it's not
too bad, is it?

-So-so.

-That's what I'm asking.
-I don't know.

-Third base!
-Third base!

-So-so?
-Ohh.

-[Chuckles]
-Yes, sir.

You may be married, Luke,
but your eyes aren't.

[Door opens]
-Guess who.

-Uh, are you known for your workin the theatre?

Tammy Grimes.
[Chuckles]

-Honey, do you have some money?
The kids need new shoes.

-Oh, man, if it's not one thing,it's another around here.

-Next you'll be throwing money
at food and clothing.

-Rommel, you got 10 bucks?
-Yeah.

-Yeah, pick me up a dime bag
of those [coughs] shoes.

-Kiss bye.
-Colombian shoes.

-Hey, Lois.
-[Chuckles]

-Ugh. [Grunts]

Yuck.
-Thanks.

-[Sighs] Kiss bye
and lunch every day.

-Well, it was a tongue sandwich.-You got it made, Luke.

-It's okay.
Your turn's coming.

-Huh?
-Yeah.

You want a cookie?
-Hey, that's my lunch.

[Engine revving]

-Interesting.
Very interesting.

-[German accent] But stupid.
-[Chuckles]

-How much racing have you done?
-A little.

-That's what I like about you.

Just give them enough
to make them wonder.

-That's right.
Hey, J.C., uh,

where's your
next move after Frisco?

-Who knows?
East maybe.

-Thanks for littering.
God, what a pig.

-Welcome to the Southern
California

hack race competition,

a new and exciting sport
filled with thrills

and spills such as
you've never seen before.

-And you won't see now.
-The hackers are lining up now.

-Come on. Come on.
Hurry up.

The film is slow enough.
-...on hack number 14,

pilot Stan Shara --

"Sharal," that is --
and passenger Dennis Wooly.

And on number 5, Steve Camp
and his passenger...

-Jerry Mahoney.
-...Jerry Webber.

-How does she make herself
look like Buffy?

-...are pilot Woody Splitter

and passenger Vince Rommel,

who is, I might add, no newcomerto this thrilling new sport.

-No newcomer to this new sport?

Isn't that an oxymoron?

-...number 22,
that's Doug Bingham...

-Known as "Der Bingle."
-Hey. Jim Hutton.

-...a couple of very goodhackers, Wayne Castamonte and...

-Your shin mold's a muffler.

-...number 31, we have
Jim Moffat and Whitey Holtz.

-...Nellie Foxx, Whitey Ford,
Sandy Koufax.

-And on hack number 7,
"Crash" Roach

and his passenger, Jim McNeil.

-"Goofy" Grape.
-"Lefty" Lemon.

-"Injun" Orange.
-"Jolly Olly" Orange.

-"Loud Mouth" Lime.
-"Choo Choo" Cherry.

-"Buffy" and "Sissy."

[Engines revving]

-Flag is up!
The flag is down!

-And they have no lives!
-Heyyy!

-They're snaking into
the first turn...

-[Imitating Jerry Lewis]
Hold me.

Please, hold me, Dean!

-Keep your eye on 15.
Rommel is...

-[Imitating Dean Martin]
Oh, come on, Jerry.

-...back after
last week's spill.

31 doing a two-wheeler!

Whitey's showing his lack
of experience!

Oh, when you have three wheels,
baby, use all three wheels!

-Hey, that announcer is way
too excited for his own good.

-Mm-hmm.
-Or ours.

-But 7 is showing a...

-[Imitating Jerry Lewis]
Pace yourself.

Oh, ham.

-...getting a nice lead.

Over the second jump...

-And the perma-crowd
is in position.

-There's a good spread over
the jumps, which the boys dig.

It makes the jump safe.
I should say, barely safe.

And here they come through
the first jump...

[Speaking indistinctly]

-Jane, stop this crazy thing!

-I'm gonna throw up!

[Imitates vomiting]
-Uh-oh.

Look out.
Behind...

-Indy, throw me the whip!

-Throw me the idol!
-The whip!

-The idol!
-...getting stuck in...

-Alright, something else
is happening now.

Remember that other thing
I told you about?

It's happening again.
Oh, no.

Now something --
some kind of stuff

that's different,
kind of different,

but it's the same kind
of similar stuff

that's been happening in a way.
But look at that.

Some more stuff's happening
involving motorcycles

and a whole lot of dust.

This sport is so new, we don't
even have the terminology yet.

Ohh.
-...22!

-Around the clubhouse turn,

there's Apartment House
with plenty of room.

Girdle holds on in the stretch.

And pulling up the rear
is Beetlebaum.

-...seems to be
smoothed out now.

These dirt trackers eat
so much corruption...

[Speaking indistinctly]

-I like my man best.
-Come on!

-Mine's better.
-Come on!

-There's the team
from Foot Locker.

-[Chuckles]
-With one more left to go,

15 has moved up
to the second place.

-Just lean!

-Got to be wearing
steel drawers...

-Come on.
Get back in the frame.

You over there,
back in the frame.

Come on. Get in here.
Get in here.

[Chimes play]

-Good one, Cambot.
Nice effect.

-Whoa!
-[Speaking indistinctly]

Okay, 22, love that...

-For you folks at home,

this might be a good time
to go get a sandwich.

-15's taking 7 on the inside.

-Well, this is exciting,
isn't it?

-That is the ultimate...
-Hey!

You should have gone
before we left.

-[Chuckles]

-Here they come.

-They're not backing off at all.

Through the little edges,
22's pulling up...

-Come on! We only live through
your achievements!

Please!
-15!

Alright, 22!

Oh, that's good news
for Rommel fans.

-Well, we better get out
of here, you guys.

-Thank Bob Crane for being
the flag man there.

-That's the name of the game
in the old sidehack race.

[Door thuds]

[Creaking]

[Doors whooshing]

-Alright, well,

we've got a really
neat treat for you guys.

We worked on some heavy charts
about sidehackin'.

Cambot, I want you to run
that race footage in there

on the chroma key.

Okay, you guys, vamp.

[Mid-tempo music plays]
Yeah,

I'm trapped up in outer space.

Sometimes my life feels
like a big pile of nothing.

So what?
Word.

I live with it.
Dig it.

But anyway, me and my bloods
would like to wail out a song

about our friends
the sidehackers.

It goes like this.

♪♪

One, two, three.

♪ Sidehacking
is the thing to do ♪

♪ And it doesn't hurt
to have a low IQ ♪

♪ Take your life you like
and a little luck ♪

♪ The big grand prize
is twenty-five bucks ♪

♪ Sidehack will quench
your danger thirst ♪

♪ The stupid ones always seem
to come in first, yeah ♪

♪ Sidehacking is one big bash

♪ The favorite sport
of cheap white trash ♪

♪ When you're on your sidehack,
make sure you don't slip ♪

♪ You'll end up with five
metal pins in your hip ♪

♪ Lean way back
till you scrape your butt ♪

♪ Make it look like a
quarter-pound of ground chuck ♪

♪ Yeah

Oh, sidehack it, Crow!

[Instrumental break]

Whoo!
-Oh, go, Crow!

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ It's a sport that attracts
a lot of racing fools ♪

♪ A lot of people get hurt
'cause there are no rules ♪

♪ All you need is
a toxic landfill ♪

♪ A cycle and a sidecar
and an urge to kill ♪

♪ Better get with the sport
'cause it won't last long ♪

♪ The founders of this sport
are laid at Forest Lawn ♪

-♪ Ooh, hoo

♪♪

[Engines revving]

-You guys were great!

The way you took them
on that corner --

I guess that'll bend them
out of shape for a while.

I like this sidehack bit.

You join me on the circuit.

I got some idea how to put this
into my act.

But ya -- you got to build
the drama, see?

That's what you got to do.
You got to make it look harder.

-Alright, I'll wear
a porcupine costume.

-Hey, you want to try it?

-You're on.
-Whoa.

-Whoo-hoo!
-Whoo-hoo!

-Whoo-hoo!
-Whoo-hoo!

-Yee-hoo!
-Whoo-hoo!

-Whoo-hoo!

-[Southern accent] Well,
it was about this time

the old Duke boys
decided to show old Boss Hogg

what sidehackin' was all about.
-Whoo-hoo.

Say, hurl 'em on the ground
and do-si-do

and make 'em
sing like a soprano.

Sidehacks.
[Chuckling] Yeah.

-Wipeout.
-Alright.

[Indistinct shouting]
-Yee-hoo.

-Man, you're bringing me down.

-Ohh.
-And you fall off the bike

flat on your ass,
and you fill your butt

full of prairie grass.You stick your can up in the air

and show us you can like
you don't care.

Sidehack, everybody.
-Yeah! Yeah! Come on!

-Yeah!
-Swing your sidehack.

-Let's go, Batman.

[Indistinct shouting]

-Yee-hoo.

Well, you grab J.C.,
and you swing him around.

You put him on the sidehack,
throw him down.

Sidehack.
Come on, now.

[All cheering]

Let's hear it for
Mr. Humility there.

Whoa!
Yee-hoo.

Looks like a great place
to sidehack, doesn't it?

This is where cows sidehack,
I think.

[Indistinct shouting]

[Engine revving]

-Whoa.
Yee-hoo.

Yee-- Thanks, folks.

I'll be here all week.

Tip the waitress.
Enjoy the buffet.

Yee-hoo.

More of the same.

-Whoa.
-[Sighs]

-And this is my country estate.

I also keep a trailer home
in the city.

[Laughter]
-Hey!

-[Chuckles]
-And then there goes...

-We did it!

-We really are having some fun,
aren't we?

It's time for some
International Coffee.

-What a trip!
-Orange cappuccino?

-Hey, did you hire
an after-dinner speaker?

-This is a groovy place.

How'd you get it?
-Luke and I bought it.

-We're gonna live here
after we're married.

-[Imitates grumbling]
-A little love nest.

-Yeah.
[Laughter]

-It's a beautiful place.

-Let's not patronize him
or anything.

-Isn't it a beautiful
place, honey?

-Yeah, it is.
-She's so articulate.

-You're joining
the establishment.

-And the establishment
is plastic, man.

-Yep.
-Come on, Rommel.

Why don't you and your old lady
ride with us, huh?

-J.C. --
-Oh, man.

-We could make a lot of money
on the circuit.

-Hey, let me get you
another beer, huh?

-Take those...

-Yeah, it looks like
they're drinking motor oil.

Well, you should never drink
10W-30 in the summer.

-No one's alone
when they're with J.C.!

-J.C.,
I need to ask you something.

-What are you bugging me for?!

-Whoa.
-Say!

-He didn't mean no harm.
-Switch to decaf.

-Get your hands off me.
-Oh, real nice

-Shut up!
-Shut up!

-...touching me like that.

[Dramatic music playing]

-Whew. Well, uh, he really
sucked the air

out of that room, didn't he?

Well, bean dip, anyone?

-[Chuckles]
-Let's kiss.

By hurting others,
our love grows stronger.

-Whew.
[Chuckles]

-Phew.

That was fun.
-What do you say?

-He just doesn't want to, J.C..

-Hmm?

-Huh?
-Huh.

-What do you mean,
doesn't want to?

-Let's see.
"Does not want to."

Which word didn't
you understand?

-Hmm?
-[Chuckles]

-[Imitates chuckling]
Cookie face.

-[Chuckles]
-Blb-blb-blb-blb-blb!

-Blb-blb-blb-blb-blb!
-I'm not gonna beg you, man.

It's your choice.
-Yep.

-Yeah, it is my choice,
and I don't want to.

Sorry.
Bye, now.

Capital day.
-Come on.

Let's go.

-Hey, but I haven't had
any seven-layer salad.

-Would you get out of here?

[Door creaks]

Well, thanks for coming.

Now stay out.
-Geez.

What does Martha Stewart say
about times like this?

-Wait.
That's for the drug test.

No!
Oh, darn.

-[Gulps]
-Ahh.

-He's a weird one, huh?

-Really didn't go too good,
did it?

Hmm.
-Is there any intelligence

in that head of yours?
-Uh, no. Wait. Wait. Wait.

You asked me that once before.
I know.

-Whoopee.

-Goldberg.
-[Chuckles]

-One minute accomplishment
in a day's dealing with idiots.

Now, if you can answer me
this one...

-Uh-huh?
Riddle me this.

-...simple question...
-Yeah.

-...school will be out
for the day.

-Mm.
Is this gonna be on the final?

-Attention!

If you came with me...
-Mm-hmm.

-Mm-hmm.
-...why shouldn't Rommel

come with me?
-Ah.

-Uh, 'cause he's not
your girlfriend?

-Hey, baby, you weremy meal ticket out of that town.

-What's with this
"meal ticket" bit?

-Chicago?

-I saved you from
a life of nothing.

-I bet you'd like
to believe that.

I don't know what I saw in you
in the first place.

It would have been a lot
more exciting to take the bus.

-Yeah, but then you'd have to
sit next to the stinky guy.

-Oh, man, you should haveseen yourself being drug around.

Rommel had you looking like
an overstuffed Polish sausage.

-But I am -- a Thuringer.

-Ah, you're nothing
but a little boy, J.C.

You disappoint me
all the way around.

-[Clears throat, coughs]

-I never disappointed
you in bed.

-[Coughing]
-Uh...

-[Whistling]
-Really?

-Yee.

-Don't walk away when I'm
talking to you, "Paise."

-Get your hands
off me, or I'll --

-You damn dirty ape!
-Or you'll what?

Scream for lover boy?
Go ahead.

Scream.
I want to hear you scream.

Scream!
-Please, J.C.

-Do we have to watch this?
-...until you scream.

Now scream!

-What a creep.
-Help.

-Oh, hey.
-Ohh.

-Oh, that's it.

That's it!
-Boo!

Hiss! Boo!

-Boo!
-Oh, boy.

-You're mine, Paise.

You hear me, baby?

Mine.

Every mother-loving inch of you.

-[Gasps]
-But I can't breathe.

-Anybody touched you,
I'd kill them, Paise.

That's how much
I love you, baby.

-Ew.I guess he really does love her.

-Kind of kisses like a dog.
-I'm sorry, baby.

We're a team, sweetheart.

-Yeah.
I'm Punch, and you're Judy.

-We're a team.

-[Gasps, cries]
-I'll prove it to you, baby.

[Dramatic music playing]

-Try some of my forbidden fruit.-Come on.

-An apple a day.

-Ohh.
-He said 3:00.

-Good thing he's using that maskto protect his scalp.

-I can't get this sparkler
to light, Hal.

It'll really go when
he gets to the gas tank.

-Hey, Rommel, you like those
chili peppers that Lois gets?

-Yeah, yeah,
but they burn my gut.

-Yeah, like this movie.
-Well, I think that's what

Rita and Lois
are making for dinner tonight.

-[Chuckles]
-How come every time

we go to the ranch, Luke,
we got to have chili peppers?

Why not hamburgers?
You know I love hamburgers.

-Less talk, more movement.

-Hey, what's the director
doing here?

[Engine starts]
-It's ready!

-Good.

-Now open the garage door!
-It's showtime.

-How much?
-32 bucks!

-Boy, this is a cheap movie.

-Hey, Luke, did you pick up
those parts for the Harley yet?

-I'll get them now.
You want a sandwich?

-Yeah.
One with everything on it.

-Mm-hmm.
-Mmm.

-That refrigerator's
been everywhere.

-And so has she.
-Mmm.

-Hi.
-Ah, why, yes, I am.

I'm on a ladder.
[Chuckles]

-How you doing?
-Good.

-Better than you.
-Where's your buddy?

-Kind of personal, isn't it?
-Oh, he went for some parts.

-Oh?
-What's up?

-I just thought I'd stop by andsee if you've changed your mind.

-Running errands
for the old man, huh?

-You might call it that.

-I call it codependency.

-It's just that he doesn't
like being turned down.

-Yeah, well, uh, life's full
of little rejections.

-Oh, like my rejection
from Simon & Schuster.

My book, you know.
-I know what you mean.

-I read your book,
you magnificent -- [Coughs]

-Can you
use some help over there?

-Uh, yeah,
you could button me up.

-Hand me that box there.
-Now quack like a duck.

[Sultry music playing]

-Oh.
-Here.

Let me get it.
-I had fun yesterday.

You were great.
-Thanks.

You know, J.C.'s not bad.

A little funny, but not bad.

-He's no Gallagher or anything.
-Rommel...

-You magnificent son of a...
-Yeah?

-Oh.
-Do you like me?

-Well, sure, I like everybody.

-I even like Gallagher,
for crying out loud.

-Then why do you back off when
I try to get close to you?

-There's a ladder in the way.

-What are you talking about,
"back off"?

-You know.
I can't get to you.

-There's a ladder in the way.
-Why not?

-Now, look, Paisley,
you got a man, right?

-Maybe I'd like a change.

-Maybe she's got
a saggy diaper that leaks.

-Yeah, so, uh, what do you
want me to do about it?

-I thought maybe
you knew someone.

-You and me.

-Look, Paisley, you go on home
and grow up.

You know, that's the nice thing
about little girls.

If they're lucky, they can
grow up to be women.

-Ooh.
-You bastard.

I'm more of a woman than you'll
ever know, you son of a bitch.

-Uh, that's, uh,
"magnificent son of a bitch."

-What's she uptight about?
-I don't know.

I just don't get girls.
-Hey.

I asked for a bagel
and a schmear.

What's this?-Don't give me no polotzky, huh?

-Okay.
-Hey, there's this bike

I want you to take a look at.

-Hey, I got to take the fridge
to the airport.

You need anything?
-It's right outside here.

Hey, Nero?
You got problems?

-Yeah. Rome's burning.
Why?

-I was on my way out of town
when misfortune struck me.

I think I've blown the internal
combustion off my engine.

-Huh? What did he say?
Huh?

-Yes, sir, indeed, it is.
-I, uh...

got to thinking about that work
we discussed.

If the offer's still open.

-Yeah, I, uh, think we can,
uh, work it out for you.

-Sure.
-[Crying]

-[Imitating crying]
Turns out they really wanted

Nancy Sinatra for this role.

Maybe my boots were made for
walking -- right off this set.

But then I go and spoiled it all

by saying something stupid like
"I love you."

[Imitating crying]

-I feel like I'm time-tripping.

That Buffy girl got to stand
next to Jim Hutton look-alike.

[Imitates gasping]
-I remember it all.

I remember the way he used
to snap his jacket off.

[Dramatic music playing]

[Imitates whimpering]

-And I remember that, too,
whatever it is.

-You go on home and grow up.

That's the nice thing
about little girls.

-Remember the way Rommel
insulted me?

-...grow up to be women.

-And the way J.C. made me
cough up blood.

They can't take those
precious memories away from me.

-I'd kill them, Paise.
-[Imitating crying]

-Take that, Nancy Sinatra.

[Imitating crying]

-[Slurps]
-Hey, uh, Luke.

-What?
-You all done in there?

-I was wondering if, uh, you
and Lois and the kids

were gonna stay at the ranch
tonight after we ate dinner.

-Well, we were
thinking about it.

Why?
-Oh, nothing.

I was just wondering.
-Aha.

So -- oop.
-[Sighs]

-What were you wondering?
-Oh, just wondering.

-Nothing.
-Yeah. Nothing.

-Mm.
-Mm.

-You and Rita want to stay out
by yourselves tonight?

-Bingo!
-[Chuckles]

-Yep.
-[Chuckles]

-Well, that's, uh --
that's a good idea, Luke.

-Kinda read my mind.
[Chuckles]

-You, uh, sure you don't mind?

-No problem.

-Thanks.
-Nope. Don't mind at all.

-You just gonna sit out there
and relax tonight, huh?

-This is kind of looking
like "Thirtysomething."

-Yeah, except for the dirty
pictures in the background.

-Fire.
-Yep. Uh-huh.

-Then?

-I'm gonna put my arm
around her.

-[Laughs]
-Yup.

-Yeah.
-[Laughs]

-Well, like I said,

you and Rita should have
some time to yourselves.

-[Chuckles]
-Yeah, time.

-Hey, you know,
you're right, Luke.

-[Chuckles]
I need some more time.

-Yeah. Time. Time.

-Then what?
-Oh, you know.

I'm gonna give her a kiss.

[Goofy laughter]

-[Speaking indistinctly]
-[Chuckles]

-[Chuckles]

[Soft music playing]

-Mmm.
-Ah.

-Uh...
-[Murmuring]

-Mmm.
-Yeah.

-Mmm. So soft.

Mmm.
-Are you sure you want 100?

-That's a lovely dress
she's wearing.

-[Chuckles]

-How do you plan
to have 100 kids?

-Huh?
-Huh?

-Well, it's like this, see.
-What?

-You know, there's really a ton
of change in this mattress.

-How do you plan
to take care of them all?

-Huh?

-I'll go find myself
some rich old woman.

-[Speaking indistinctly]
-Nice vaccination scar.

-Rich old widow woman, huh?
-Another woman?

-Think she can take care
of you like I can?

-[Murmuring]
-[Sniffs]

-...some old widow woman...

-Ooh.
-Yeah.

-...especially the ones...

-It's Rod Stewart and Kim Carnesin Laryngitis Theater.

♪♪

-[Imitating Lucille Ball]
Ah, Ricky,

the ceiling needs painting.
Ahhhh.

-Rommel?
-Yeah?

-[Grunts]
-Will you still love me when...

-[Grumbling] I love you.

-[Murmuring]

-This guy's really
got a hairy back.

-Yikes.

Look, he's kissing himself now.

-Why?
-I just imagined you at 90,

and I don't think
I can do this anymore.

-[Grunts]
-[Blows]

[Laughter]
-[Grunts]

-[Grunts, laughs]
Good.

Take a big drink out of life.

-It's good.
-Oh, that is good.

-Sounds like the start
of a sci-tech film.

-Sounds like they're sharing
the same larynx.

-Mmm.
[Speaking indistinctly]

-Grr.
-Mnh-mnh.

-Mnh-mnh.
-Throw cold water on bad men.

[Both laugh]

-It's like she's laying
on a lampshade.

-Yeah.

[Up-tempo music playing]

-Hello, Shirl.
-Hello, Shirl.

-Hi, Shirl.
-Hello.

-What happened?
-Rommel.

-And I know where he is.
-Algeria.

-I heard him tell his buddy
he was going to the cabin

where we had the party.

-Cooch, stay with her.
You guys come with me.

-Isn't it Gooch?

-You know, Rommel,
I really love this place.

-Ah.
Nice place, uh-huh.

-Mm.

-After we get married...

-Married, yeah.
-...I'm going to fix it up.

-Mm.
-Mm-hmm.

-Mm-hmm.
-What it really needs

is a woman's touch.

-Yeah, like I care.
Yeah.

[Chuckles]
-I want to stain the walls.

-Oh, yeah.

-Maybe give it a fresh,
clean look.

-Ah.
-Yeah, with stain.

-And get blue draperies
to match my...

-Uh, yeah.
You know what?

I could do without it.
Cost a fortune.

-And throw rugs, throw rugs
al over the place.

-Yeah, I'd throw up
on those throw rugs, yeah.

-Maybe a couple of new
lamps, huh?

-Yeah, like the ones
you were laying on before.

Why don't you
just take my wallet?

-[Imitating snoring]
-And flowers.

I'll pick fresh flowers
every day.

-Lilies.
-Yeah...

-That's a good idea.

-There's so many other women
in my life.

I'm gonna...

-They're gonna smell.
-[Imitating snoring]

-You think I'm being silly?
-[Snorting]

-[Snorting]
-Rom?

-Mwah!
-The atmosphere.

The atmosphere, honey.

Wake up, you desert fox, you.

[Imitates smooching]

-I love you, Rommel.
-Mnh.

-Yeah, right.
-Sure, whatever.

-I love you.
-Unh.

-Yeah.
-[Imitates snoring]

-Let's go.
-We better get out of here.

-I'm tired here.

-Whatever.
-Time's up, lover boy.

-Huh?
-Get him.

♪♪

-Joel, what happened?
Where'd the sidehacking go?

-Yeah, where'd it go?
We liked it.

-Well, you guys got
to understand --

it's really hard
to get a new sport going.

It's hard to get the recognitionthat other sports enjoy.

Can you name a few?

-Uh, kickboxing
from the Philippines.

Uh, tape-measure racing.

-And, uh, computations
and Australian-rules football.

-Right.
And what do all these sports

have in common
that sidehacking does not?

-Uh, rudimentary
interest factor.

-A sense of fair play.

-A small measure of self-esteem?-Yeah.

-Right. These are all really
good answers,

but the thing I was looking for
was terminology.

It's impossible to have
play-by-play

or color commentary without it.

So let's put our heads together

and come up
with some terminology

that showcases
some of the really exciting

moves in our sport,
sidehacking.

Cambot, roll that footage.

-It looks like the Wesley
brothers out of John Harding

starting things briskly
with the Fuller Brush Man

and a Rumpelstiltskins
followed through

with a Teenage Coed Prison.

-Out of Wausau, representing
Wisconsin, Mitch and Pitch

performing the now-famous
Yank Me, Crank Me.

-That bright young team,
the Allentown Poodles,

with their rendition
of the Swirlie.

Oh, no. Could that have
been the Gunkout?

Crow?
-Thanks, Joel.

I think that was more of
a Spinning Love Funnel

from those fresh-faced kids
of Kankakee Community College.

-Oh, my goodness, it's a
Lineback, a Slow Burn,

and a Hop, Skip, and a Go Lame
with a Fintoozler

and an Itchy Gorilla.

An Itchy Gorilla!
-Uh-oh.

Here comes the Big Blue Flamer,

followed by Teatime
Richard Scarry,

the Full-Tilt Bozo Crazy,
and Just Plain Stupid.

-It's an exciting day
indeed here

at Japanese War Atrocity Park

and Pavilion on the Park,
but what's this?

Is -- Is that the antiquated oldpuff-out Baba O'Riley

attempting the Teenage
Wasteland on the Hadey

Hidey-Ho side of the track?

-From the darker side
of the street

come the Cap Snaffler,
Maynard & Eleanor,

Casey's Rolling Pizza,
and Just Imagine!

-Meet you on the dark side
of the moon.

It's the Ghostly Trio,
followed by

No-Tell Motel, Aspercreme,
and Death by Chocolate!

-Oh, oh, hold
onto your epidermis.

It's Deputy Dawg
and the Hard-Drinking Soldiers

of Fortune attempting
the oft-copied Leaky Cheese.

-Shake me, don't wake me, Crow.

Looks like Bad Man and the
Costumed Critters of Death

are going Crinkle-Cut,
and somebody's got to pay.

But -- uh-oh -- Funny Ha-Ha,
Funny Strange at the Bad Man

until screaming,
"Hey, world, check me out."

-Hand me a Hoover.
It's Raspberry Commie,

the Fruitful Snootful,
and Hickory Dickory Die

attempting a Butterscotch Push
with a Frunky Frunky Frunky.

-Ho ho ho!
Is that Go-Go the Gorilla

with Bloopers, Blunders,
and Practical Jokes

with Starchy Cock-of-the-Walk
in their Fintoozler?

There's Electra-Woman
and Dyna-Girl

in the George Barris custom
show rod,

bravely attempting the Big Guidewith a Tommy Tune on the side.

-I gotta correct you
on that, Crow.

I think he's attemptinga Stinky Guy with a Peter Allen.

Uh-oh, that means he'll be
disqualified and slapped

with a Day
in the Life of Ivan Denisovich!

That could be a problem for our
Quentin Crisp,

who is expected to deliver
a Fighting Aranovich Brother

or a God
Your Helmet Smells Good.

-Uh-oh. Here comes Nutsy,
the Sidehacking Clown,

performing his famous
Tension Envelope routine.

[Chuckling] Don't get too close
'cause, remember, kids --

he who smelt it, dealt it.

Let's give him a round
of applause

as we all pardon his blooper.

-Well, it's been a big day,

with plenty of Sheer
Gut Blow-Outs,

Juicy Lucies, and a Woozle-Who
whose name was Peanut.

This is Crow and Joel
and Tom Servo in the pit.

We'll be at the 19th quadrant
attempting a Grass Grinder

and ground grass is a mulchand mulch is good for your lawn.

-Huh?
-That oughta' hold 'em.

[Alarm blaring]
-Oh! Movie sign!

-Well, we got movie sign!
Let's go!

-Ahhhh!

[Doors whooshing]

[Screeching]

[Creaking]

[Birds chirping]

-Say, the excitement,
the action.

[Grunts]
Thank you.

-It's Willem Def-- Oh.

-Got a little, uh...

-You got a little
on your cheek there.

-Ah, that jelly doughnut
kind of got away from him.

-I got a feeling...
-Oh!

-Huh?
-Huh?

-Oh, no.

-At least my car's okay.

-Oh, no, they stole his radio.

♪♪

-Ah, they stole his kneecaps.

[Dramatic music playing]

-Is it safe? It's not safe.
It's very safe.

-Got to call my agent and try
to get out of this thing.

It's got to...

-They stoled his dimes.

-Oh, and they stole
the camera dolly.

It isn't safe.
It isn't safe.

-They stole the shoulder
of the road.

-Must find a dry cleaner's.

Got to...
[Grunting]

♪♪

-Hey.
Hey, stop!

Stop!
I need a new girlfriend!

[Horn honking]
-[Panting] Ah, thanks anyway.

There's probably a another car
over the hill.

I'm gonna...
[Whimpering]

-[Imitating crying]

Mom, Dad, I don't want to be
a grown-up sidehacker anymore.

[Knock on door]
-Who's at the door, Luke?

-Rommel?
What the hell happened to you?

-It was Patton!
He read my book!

-Rommel.

-Oh, hate to bleed
and run, but...

-Rommel, come back!
-You magnificent --

Oh, let him go.

-Ohh.

I can talk to you,
Mr. Tree.

[Birds chirping]
Ohh.

-Oh, magic lock,
take me to the freeway.

-Hmm.

-♪ When men...

-[Sighing]
-[Sighing]

-♪ And wishes were young
-Poor guy.

-We used to like coming
to the highway.

[Imitates crying]

-I need another Band-Aid
for my broken heart.

[Imitates crying]

-We used to come here
and club seals together.

[Imitates crying]
-♪ And songs to be sung

-Boy, even --
even these oil fields

seem to remind me of it.

Can't put my finger on it.

-♪ Oh, but nothing
lasts forever ♪

-[Humming]

-♪ Only love

[All singing indistinctly]

-[Imitates crying]
-I think I look like

Robert Conrad, don't you?

-♪ All the dreams
-[Singing indistinctly]

♪ Only love

♪ That's the...

-For those of you playing along
at home, Rita is dead.

-♪ The plans that you make

♪ With two hearts as one
-[Whimpering]

Oh, who am I trying to kid?

It's no fun without a girl.

-♪ You give all you take
-[Humming]

-[Humming]
-♪ I've missed you in the sun

♪ But even the sun
was the same ♪

♪ But nothing last forever
-♪ But nothing last forever

-They used to sit there.

-♪ Only love
-[Singing indistinctly]

-♪ Of all the dreams -Oh, I-I looked at this already.

I forgot.
[Chuckles] Cookie.

-♪ You treasure

-Hey, I'm getting
over it already.

-[Chuckles]
-Just 'cause she was murdered.

-♪ Only love

[All gasping, imitating crying]

♪♪

-Been cramped up in this
lousy motel for two weeks.

I got to get out.
I can't breathe, Cooch.

-Hey, look, I'm a mirror.
I can't talk.

-If I stay here any longer,
the cops are bound to find me.

Look for a place I can hide.

-Mm, mm.
-The mountains maybe.

-Make a reservation
at Grossinger's.

-Just get me out!

-Whoa.
-No one will find me here.

I'll climb in a corner pocket.

-What are you planning to do?
-8 ball, corner pocket.

What would you do?
-No! I'm in there!

-Kill him.

-Ohh.
-I will kill him!

-We talked to the police,

and they're out looking
for J.C. now.

-Some call them "pig."
-It's their job, Rommel.

Let them handle it.

-It may be their job,
but what have they done so far?

Nothing.
-Well, there's the roads,

highways.
-And the aqueduct.

-You've got to snap out of it.

-You've been playing
9-ball all day.

Play air hockey.-Why don't you come back to work

so you can
get your mind off of it?

-♪ If your love should...
-You ever read the Bible, Luke?

-No, but I saw the movie.

-There's an old passage
about an eye for an eye.

[Billiard balls clacking]
-I'm not much for the classics.

I've only read your book,
you magnificent bastard.

-You ever read that one?
-Hmm.

-They're gonna
bust you wide open.

-Funny thing about that book --
-Like a piñata.

-It contradicts itself.
[Billiard balls clacking]

One minute it tells you
to turn the other cheek.

Then it tells you
to take an eye.

-Well, that's when
you run out of cheeks.

-I guess it depends on
which end you read.

-Well, if you start
from the back,

it's even more confusing.

-Rommel...
-You didn't have your feet

on the floor.
-...there's nothing you could

do about it.

-Eh.
-Like I said,

depends on
which end you read.

-♪ Oh, it drives my heart...
-Eh.

-[Imitates squeaking]

-[Sighs] I guess pool
is the answer.

I don't worry about
my girlfriend's murder.

8 ball, corner pocket.

[Up-tempo music playing]
-♪ Hey

[Indistinct singing]

-Hey, you know, I'm playing
my way through my grief.

Every shot,
I get better and better.

-Well, since this film
isn't going anywhere,

why don't we all play pool?

-♪ Every time I hear
you coming... ♪

-Hmm?
-♪ Alright

-Huh?
-Say.

-I found a couple of boys.

They're willing to ride with us.

But there's one little problem.

-One of them's 6 years old,
and other's 11.

-They're short on funds.

They don't care what they do,as long as they get paid for it.

-I need some money.
-What for?

-Finish these monkey bars.

-I'm buying myself
a little help.

-You thought about Kelly girls?

-You're still gonna go
after J.C., huh?

-PDQ. ASAP.
-Yeah, that's about it.

-Well, if you think I'm gonna
finance your war, you're nuts.

-It just may work.
-Hey, Luke, come on.

I want to talk to you.
-Come on over here.

The director wants
to do another setup.

Come on.
-Now, I'm not asking you

to be involved.
-See what I mean?

-I'll give you a note to my part

of the shop so that
if anything happens to me,

you can still get
your money back.

-I don't give a damn about
your part of the shop.

If anything happened to you,

your part of the shop
wouldn't mean a thing to me.

-Now, look, you can go fussing
and hollering...

-How come they get louder as
they get closer to the camera?

-Now, either you help me, or
I'll be looking someplace else.

-Well, I'm afraid you're gonna
have to look

someplace else then!
-Alright, I will then!

[Mid-tempo music playing]

-Taxi! Tax-- Oh.
[Chuckles] I drove.

I forgot.

♪♪

[Horns honks]

-Okay, that's --
I got to the bank.

I go to the dry cleaner's,
get some lunch.

I kill J.C.'s gang.

-Salvage the film here.

-Why doesn't he
just sell his car?

-This is the vengeance music.

-What can I do for you?

-I ran a little short
this month.

Give you a good deal
on some tools.

-Don't need 'em.
-They're not for eating.

-They're worth 50 bucks.

I'll let you have them for $35.
-I just don't need 'em.

-He said you're not supposed
to eat 'em.

-$25.

And I'll throw in my spare tire.

-Why didn't you say tires?
We love tires!

-Now, I'll give you $5
if you have a hard-boiled egg

in your purse.
-Okay.

You got a $10?
-Yeah, I got a $10.

-You got a pretty nice $10
yourself, brother of mine.

-Been in the trunk awhile.
-For what you're paying,

I wouldn't sweat it.
-Little warm.

-All I've got's two $10s.

-Gimme those!
-Thanks.

-Not!
-Not!

-[Exhales sharply]
-Now, Jake,

that's all the man's got,
and I gave him my word.

-[Exhales sharply]
For $200, I wouldn't even move.

-Ah, he couldn't.
-[Squeals]

-Now, Jake,
the man didn't mean it.

-I don't even know what he said.

[Weights clatter]

-Why, thank you.
-Hey, smart mouth...

did you ever see Big Jake
break a man's back?

-No, but once I saw
a bear drinking a soda.

Uh-oh.
-I don't believe it.

You hit me.
-Yep. Sure did.

-Mm-hmm.
-Did you see what he did?

-Yep.
-Yeah, he hit you.

-I saw the whole thing,
what happened.

-Yup.
-You hit Big Jake.

-Yeah, he hit him.
-I hit you.

-If you're Big Jake, he hit you.

-I ought to break your back.
-Oh!

Oh, you crushed my sternum.

You made me sit on a hard thing.

It's hard on there and stuff.
Ow!

-When do we start?

-Is this your way of haggling?
-Two, three days, at the most.

Look, I said
I'll give you $200.

-What is she?
Oh.

-Always work these brushes
into a fine point.

-You could kill a man with them.

-Helps bring out detail
in my work.

-He's gonna hire a painter?

-Now, listen,
will that bring Rita back?

Paint a picture of her.

-It'll last longer.

-That's as close as you're ever
gonna get to her again.

-Rita?

Oh, yeah, dead girlfriend.
Right, right.

-She's gone.
-Oh, I --

Oh, I -- I'd pay
the devil to replace her.

-Into another time,
another place.

-Dead, bloated worm food,
you know.

-She don't have to worryabout our hang-ups here anymore.

-Okay, okay.
Note to myself --

don't talk to an artist.

-All they got time to know
and understand is themselves.

-Uh, so is that a yes?
-What else you got?

-You don't want to hear, do you?

People find their own bag
and get in it.

-Is my bag under here?
-Oh!

-Whoa!
-Yep.

-Hey, how did the "Laugh-In"
audition go?

-You're saying he's coming
after me by himself?

-Yeah.

And the word is out.

He's buying himself some help.

He doesn't think the law
is doing its job.

-Who?

Who is he buying?
-Nero.

Two, three others.

-A puppet, a pauper, a pawn,
and a king.

Each time, he finds himself flaton his face.

Oh, you know the rest.

-That Rommel.

He just don't learn too easy,
does he?

I gave him the light, man.

-And he just kept doing time!
-I tried to show him the way.

I was like a brother to him.

-Not a good brother.

-Now, Cooch.

Cooch, tell me.

-It's Gooch!
-Did I love Rommel, hmm?

Did I love him?

My own flesh,
I don't love better!

-Ooh!
-He gets this way

if he doesn't kill every day.

-But I'm not good enough
for him.

How many times
I ask him to ride with me?

-You got a little, uh...

-He says "No."

-Oh, mama.

-Could be he's trying
to bring me out in the open.

We'll see what kind of game
he's playing.

-Othello?
Hungry, Hungry Hippo?

Chutes and Ladders?
Candy Land, maybe.

Melbourne?
Uno?

Monopoly, RISK?
Trivial Pursuit?

-No.
-Oh, you're so tense.

-We get rid of him.

Then there's no witnesses.

-J.C., we've had enough trouble.

Please, let's just
get out of here.

-You dare mock me?

-You think I was looking
for trouble?

He tries to put the make on you,so I paid him back!

How'd I know she was gonna die?

-Uh, 'cause you killed her.
-Ain't that right, honey?

Tell me!
Ain't it right?

-Could you repeat the question,
please, Peter?

-Damn you all to hell.

[Smooching]

-Uh, yeah,
everything's better now.

Hurt is gone.
-Dirty John, I want you

to get ahold of the other boys.

Tell them to meet me here,
to bring guns.

Whatever they can
get their hands on.

-Wear loose-fitting clothes,
dressed to move.

Have a two-minute song prepared.

-Cooch.

Cooch, come here.

-That's Gooch, sir.
-Sit down.

-Take your shoes off,
sit a spell.

-I trust you, my friend.

I trust you.

We've had a lot
of runs together.

-Yeah, remember
that dinner in Tijuana?

-Boy, I made a run
for the border that night,

my little compadre.

-You always stick by me.
Now I need you, Cooch.

I want him.
-Yeah.

-You need me, but you want him?

-Yeah, I'll get him.
-No.

You got to get in,
and you bring Rommel to me.

-Yeah, I will.
-I will do it.

-But it's got to look right.
-I will.

-I will.
-Let him know where I'm hiding.

-I will.
-I will do it.

-Make him think...
-I am -- Okay.

I will.
-But, baby,

it's got to look right.

-You know I'd do anything
for you, J.C.

-Would you kill a guy?
-Anything.

-I know. I know.

-I'll do it.

-And so they drove
to the power station.

There was nothing left of theworld after the robot holocaust.

-♪ I know a wiener man

♪ He owns a hot dog stand

♪ He sells most everything
from wieners on down ♪

-Key change!
-Where'd you say he was?

I forget where
I'm going after him.

-PCH.
-Look at the moon!

It's pretty dark out.
-Oh, my.

-Oh, look how dark
it is tonight.

-See, it's really something.
-And the crickets.

-Dark night.
-Yeah.

-I hear some crickets.
-If it was dark, you could.

-They don't even know.

-Hey, I said left
at the Dairy Queen!

Guess it was too dark.

-They don't even have
their lights on.

-It's so dark out, they don't
need their lights, I guess.

-They're breaking the law.
-See, once I kill a guy,

then this will become
a sidehack track.

-Huh.
-What do you think?

-That's nice.
-Hey, Cooch.

What's the deal?

-We better wait here
till morning.

-Yeah, it's too dark now.
I can't see a thing.

-I'll show you
where he's hiding.

-That's why I'm squinting.
-Why not tonight?

-I'm too tired.-You know, J.C. likes his booze.

-Loves to have his fun.-It will hit him in the morning.

He won't know what happens.

-Oh, that means he'll be
really drunk right now, right?

-What do you say?

-[ Sighs ] What can I say?

-How about "I'm sorry?"

-Well, I still think we should
go under the cloak of darkness,

but we'll do it your way.

-So dark out tonight, I mean...
-Yeah.

Glad it's dark.

I can't tell my hat
looks like Jiffy Pop.

-Trust him?
-I don't trust anyone.

-His hat looks like Jiffy Pop,
too.

Buttered and unbuttered.

-Please, Luke, don't do it.
-Honey, I --

Lois, go back in the house.

-Look, call the police
from here.

-Honey, I owe Rommel
more than a call to the police.

-What?
-What?

-What about me and the kids?

-The kids can come, too.
-Bring their jammies.

Put them on the top of the car.

-Please, it's too dangerous!
Don't go!

-Billy, don't be a hero.

-Hey, look,
he's sporting a woodie!

-Yeah, classic styling.

-Well, bye, honey!
Don't wait up!

I'll be dead!

-Write if you get work!

-Hey, turn your lights on!

-It's dark out, remember?

It's dark!

-Idiot.
-This old boy got busted, see?

And he gets tossed
into Sing Sing.

Now, the first night he's there,his cell mate walks over

to the bars
and he yells out, "Number 9!"

-I'm suspicious.
-Oh, not this intro.

-Oh, no, yeah, we know.
Some people can't tell a joke.

-Yeah.

-And the whole place
breaks up again.

So this new boy turns
to his cell mate and he says,

"Hey, man,
what is with this number bit?"

So the old con tells him.

He says, "That's the way
we tell jokes around here!"

-Uh-oh.
-Now, everybody here knows

every joke,
so we just give them a number.

-Yeah, yeah.
We know, we know.

-And when we feel like
telling the joke,

we just yell out
the number, see?

-Yeah, I heard Kip Addotta
used to a number one.

-This new boy decides he's gonnatell himself a joke, see?

-Yawn.
-So he walks up to the bars

and he yells out "Number 8!"
[Laughter]

-Oh, I get it.
-Oh, wait, that's not it.

What's the punchline?

-And there's not a peep out
of the whole cell block.

-There's more.
-I mean, don't nobody laugh.

Well, he turns to the old con
and he says...

-Just kill this guy
for practice.

-"How come nobody laughed?"

-Maybe because it wasn't funny.
-Oh, how I loathe him.

-So the old con looks at him
and he says --

-Oh, just keep listening.

-Ugh, I'll try to make
the most of it.

-He says --
He says, "Let's face it, boy."

-Nice beauty mark.
-[Laughs]

-Keep him talking, I'll hit him
over the head with a rock.

-"Let's face it, boy.

Some people can tell a joke,
and some can't."

-And you can't.

-Hey, say, did you ever hear theone about the fag and gay dog?

-Hey, what?
-Huh?

-Gay dog?
-Yeah.

-Man, you're putting me on, man.-No, no.

This guy comes to the bar
with his dog, see?

-Is that the one where the dog
pins the bartender to the floor

and he says, "Bowsy wowsy?"

-Yeah, you heard that one.
-Yeah, I did!

-No, he says, "Who shot my paw?"-That was number 5!

-Good one.-Hey, ever hear about the stupid

hillbilly that got killed ina desert by a bunch of bad guys?

-The one with the
big stick, right?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Yeah, Nero here rides with me,

I'm gonna hold this pole
out like this, see?

-I prefer observational humor.
-Yeah.

-I say the best way is
hand-to-hand.

Hit him hard and fast.
-In the mouth.

-If you was built like me,
you wouldn't say that.

-Like a tree frog?

-I still like your idea
about the machine gun.

-Remember what Rommel said --
-Oh.

-No guns.
-Yeah.

Wasn't a good policy
for the German army.

-What's the matter, Cooch?
Afraid to die?

-A little.
-Who needs them?

-Me, that's who.

Suppose that J.C.'s

sitting down there
with a little army.

-A little plastic army?
Those plastic army men?

-There's no way for him
to move, no way!

-Yes way!
-He does, and the law gets him.

-Maybe you got
a better way, huh?

-Well, yes, I do.I happen to have a lot of ideas.

I've catered many of these
events before,

and, uh, you'd be surprised
at the provocative

and useful ideas
you could come up with.

-Hey, old Rommel, boy!-Yes, rock-stupid hillbilly boy?

-What if this J.C.'s

sitting down there
with a little army?

-Go kill him.
-Ugh.

Promise no more jokes, and I'll
tell you what you want to know.

-Cooch, how many boys
does he have?

-It's Gooch! Gooch!
-The same.

Nothing to worry about.
-Nothing to worry about, huh?

What about
the Middle East crisis?

That's got to bother you
a little bit.

-Yeah.
-I figure J.C.'s, uh,

gonna be sitting down
there waiting for us.

I think he knows when
we're coming, too.

All we got to do
is sneak in and grab him.

Once I got J.C., there's noreason for his boys to fight us.

-Unless they want him back.

-Jake and me will go down first.-You, you'll die later.

-What are gonna do when
you get your hands on him?

-I'm still thinking about it.
-What if you don't?

-Yeah, now --Now, suppose he grabs you first.

-Then you lead.
-Well, then you boys

are gonna earn your money.

Crapout, you and Cooch
take this ahead.

-Crapper?
-Hey, Rom, I had this idea

about using this pole
as a battering ram.

-Good one.

-And I want Nero
to ride with me.

-We were thinking of using it
as a suppository on you.

-Okay.
You come in from the back side,

cause as much confusion
as you can.

-So what else is new?
-Do that stupid joke of yours.

That ought to hold them.
-Cooch.

You play it by ear.

Stay in between us.
-Then betray us.

-Just wait a minute, Rommel,
boy.

What the hell are we gonna do
if they got guns?

-Die, I guess.
-Yeah, sure.

-Get your butt out of there.
-That's a good idea.

-Yeah, that's a good idea!

Heck, I was weaned
on paint thinner.

That's why
I didn't think of that.

[Guffawing]

-Hey, you guys, how about
this sniffing

for the little odd man,
what do you say?

-Nobody want that.
-Forget your odd man.

-How about a little die?
Shoot a little die?

-And so the Apostle Peter
awoke with the sun

and verily he heard a voice.

A cock will cry three times
before you betray Rommel.

-Yeah, I just remembered
it's like 12:00 noon,

and they still make us
sleep around here.

This is a really dumb camp.

-[Imitating snoring]

-Right foot, left foot,
biggest damn thing in the case.

-Christians, Greeks,
fire, fiddling, Rome.

-We're rocks, and we're smarter
than this cast.

-Let's get out of here.
-Come on, we better go.

-I'm getting really
tired of this.

-Come on, you guys.

♪♪

[Doors whooshing]

[Creaking]

[Whooshing]

Boy, that Rommel guy
is really cool.

I wish we could be
more like him.

-Yeah, well,
we can never be him.

All we can do is try to emulate
him and tell others

the good news about Rommel.

I read his book, you know.
He is a magnificent bastard.

-Hmm.
-And, in it, they had

the patterns on how to make
these super-cool hats.

Check 'em out, you guys.
-Wow!

-Gimme, gimme, gimme.
-They're really cool.

Yeah!
-Ahh!

-And there's a lot
of neat things yet.

-Love is good.
-Yeah.

-Anyway, there's a lot of neat
things you can do as Rommel,

like obviously go sidehacking,
you know?

-Or you can take your
refrigerator around the world.

-Right, that's a good idea.

Or you can entertain guests
at your summer home.

-Yeah, and, uh, then there's
running through the woods

and rolling down hills
with your best girl, Rita.

Aaah! Rita! [Sobbing]
-Oh, man.

Come on, Crow.

In every life,
a little rain must fall.

Let's try to concentrate
on some of

the more positive things here
about Rommel.

-Oh, don't forget the fun
he had playing

with his mechanic pal,
playing pool,

to forget aboutwhat happened to his girl, Rita!

[Sobbing]
-Oh, man.

Oh, you got to take it easy.
Come on, there's still a lot

of really neat stuff
that Rommel did.

Like, remember that time
he got really crazy

and he went into town
to raise money

to get those crazed killers
to go

and avenge the death
of his girlfriend, Rita.

[Sobbing]
-Oh.

-Come on, Joel!
-Snap out of it!

Go, quick! Think of something
to cheer him up.

Think of a joke.
-Yeah!

Yeah, right.
Uh, hey, Joel.

Number 8.

[Laughter]

Yeah.
-Oh, I've been too tense, man.

Yeah, that's a good one.
That's funny, all right.

-Ah, something coming in
on the view screen.

-[Laughing]

-No, that's not a joke,
actually.

-No, really, there's a ship
coming into range.

-Oh, no, you just can't
tell them the way Crow can.

-No, he's right, Joel.

There's a ship
coming into range.

-[Laughs] He did it again.
-Enjoy the buffet, yeah.

-That just kills me.
He's so funny.

Wait a minute, there is
a ship out there,

and it's got a sidehack on it.

Hey, who are you?
-Oh, come on, Rommel.

You know who I am.
I'm J.C.

from the planet
Five the Hard Way.

Now, look, baby, our sensors
have indicated

that you've been watching
the sidehack movie --

hey, which is cool, man.

You know, we were even gonna
bring you cats

back down to Earth,

but then you had to go
and be like Rommel.

-Oh, no, we don't want to be
like Rommel.

-We don't want to be like him.

-Then why are you wearing
those stupid hats, baby?

-I don't know. What do you have
against Rommel, anyway?

-I tried to show him the way.

I tried to show him the light.

I was like a brother to him.

Now, Cooch...

Cooch, tell me --
Did I love Rommel?

Did I, huh?
-That's Gooch!

-Right, right.
Gooch, look.

Man, I loved him.

My own flesh,
I don't love better!

But I wasn't good enough
for him.

How many times I asked him
to ride with me.

He just said no.

I want you to do something
for me, Cooch

I want you to do something.I want you to get Rommel for me.

Get him.
Get him, man.

Get him.
-I will.

-All right, good.
-I will get him.

-Cool, baby.
-I will get him.

-Just get him.
-I will get him.

-Would you get him?
Go get Rommel!

-I will get him.
-Go! Get Rommel.

-I will. I will get him.
-Wonder what they wanted.

-Yeah.
-I wonder -- Exactly.

What's going on?
-Man, I hate to say it,

but for being marooned
on a satellite,

it's sure getting
busy around here.

-Yeah.
-That's true.

-You know, that Rommel guy
has a lot on his mind.

We're just not the types
to be carrying around

that kind of psychological pain
and emotional baggage.

-Yeah.
You're right.

Let's go watch the rest
of the movie.

-Yeah.
-There's more movie?

-No!
-No!

♪♪

-[Laughing]

-[Laughs]

-Cooch!

I knew you'd come through.

What does he think is,
a general or something?

[Laughs]

We got him.

You know that old rock quarry
where I was gonna hide?

The one with the tin shack?

You tell Rommel
that's where I'm hiding.

You bring him there
in the morning.

The rest of us will be waiting.

-What for?

I had a hard time
getting out of there.

-Cooch.
-Coochie, coochie, cooch.

-Cooch.
You're my back.

-Uh, he's insane.

Not everything he says
has to make sense, you know?

-Oh.
-You hold up yours.

♪♪

-And we'll be right back
after this message.

-[Laughs] We got him, honey.

-Eeh!
-I got him.

-Great.

-Uh, egh.

Um, I --
You kiss like a dog.

Honey, you're -- Your mere touchmakes me physically ill.

-Don't talk
with your mouth full.

I feel my lunch is coming up.

-I've got to get away from you.

-All of a sudden,
you got to get away, hon?

Where do you think
you're gonna go?

-I met a nice guy
called Ike Turner.

-You don't know what
you're talking about.

-I know exactly
what I'm talking about.

-[Laughs]

You know. You know.

You were dying for me to take
you out of that one-horse town.

-She's from Chicago.

-You know, sometimes
I think you're crazy.

What would you do
without me, huh?

-I guess she'd heal.
-I don't know, but at least

I wouldn't have to be doing
anything I didn't feel.

-Uh-oh.
-Uh...

-Oh, that hurt.
-That was a romantic "don't."

♪♪

-[Coughs]

Maybe you better explain
more about those feelings.

-And, uh, be specific.
Use specific examples.

-You weren't too damned innocentwhen I met you.

In fact, you seemed
to like the whole scene.

Are you trying to tell me

we were playing
some kind of game in bed?

-Yeah, Parcheesi, and I lost
a lot of my game pieces.

-Not at first, J.C.,
but now I want out.

I don't know who I despise more,you or myself.

-Or the devil or Chuck Woolery.

-More hate than love
we're making.

-[Yells]
-Ooh!

-Is that a bad touch?
-Ooh, not a -- Geez.

-Suppose you liked it with Rom!

Tore you apart, huh?
Huh?

Or maybe it was
the other way around, huh?

-They don't have
a healthy relationship.

-Get out. Get out!
-Not at all.

-Or was it the other way around?

-Um...

-Hmm, could you let
go of my windpipe?

I'm supposed to leave.
-J.C.!

-Routine 37.

-I can't believe it!

Warren Campbell,
that's an illegal hold.

That's an automatic
three-day suspension!

-I'm really glad it's just
a movie, they're just actors.

-The money's in the...
agh!

-"COPS" is filmed on location.

-You're telling me you can't
do things you can't feel.

What'd you say that for?
-J.C. is wanted by the FBI.

He should be considered
armed and stupid.

-Hmm? Hmm?
What'd you say that for?

-Tell me about
the rabbits, George.

-I don't like it when you say
things like that.

-They're communicating
a lot better now.

-You didn't mean it.

Did you?
-Agh.

-I know you're sorry, baby.

I'm not mad.

-I'm just drawn that way.
-Come on, baby.

Talk to me.
Talk to me, baby!

-Now that you're dead,
I can tell you about

1,000 wonderful hours with my ---Talk to me!

-Say hello to the folks, baby!
-Hello, folks.

-I will kill you -- Oh!

Oh, I guess I did.

-Slow, slow plot.
-Plot.

-Slow, slow, slow, slow plot.
-Hey, nice sweater.

-Slow plot
-Slow plot

-Slow
-Huh.

He really is bad.
-Oh, no.

-He's biting his nails.
That's really disgusting.

♪♪

-Slow
-Slow

-You're no better than J.C.
if you go through with this.

-Luke, I'm gonna tell you
something.

It's easy for youto come out here preaching to me

about what I should
or shouldn't do.

-And what you shouldn't wear.
-It wasn't Lois.

-Uh, Toni Tennille
wants her hat back.

-Maybe you're right,
I don't know.

But give yourself some time
and think it out!

-McCloud!
-There's only one thing

I can think about --
-My next line?

-J.C.

-Hey, Rommel.

-You magnificent son-of-a--
-Cooch is back!

-And there's gonna be trouble.

-♪ Hey, la, lee, la

-Is it still dark?
-Yeah.

And, Cooch, you're gonna go hidelike a little rabbit,

and I'm gonna cover myself up,

leave my little butt
hanging out.

Yeah.
-[Imitates snoring]

-Well, let's go kill him.

♪♪

-Good morning, dummy.

Wake up and die.

-Huh?
-Oh, hi.

-Huh.
-Do you trust him?

-What?
-What?

-What did I do?
-I don't trust anyone.

-I didn't do anything.
-What do you want?

-What's the deal?
I didn't do nothing.

-I go to the brush, and you guysmake a big deal out of it.

-Yeah, he went to the brush.
-For two hours.

-Boy, we've been sitting here
for over an hour

waiting for you.

-Huh.
-You moonlightin' on us, boy?

-In a magazine.
-Geez, you know...

-I say he's a spy.
-I think he's a sailor.

-Is that true, boy?

Huh?

You settin' us up?

-Come on, man, it's a bad joke!
-Yeah, you know, number 12!

-Hey, what are you guys
trying to do?

-Wear this hat.
-You tell us.

-Here, I'll find out.

-This ought to jog his memory.

-Agh!
-You got something to say?

-Agh!

Put me down, you son of a bitch!

-Uh, no, that's the wrong
answer, but thanks for playing.

-Easy, Cooch.
-Agh!

-Here, Crapout.
Catch!

-You guys are crazy!

Ugh!
-Truth, boy.

Truth.
-Agh!

Rommel!

-You magnificent son of a...

Agh!
-Wait, you guys!

-Now you gonna tell me
where he is?

-There's nothing to tell.
I went to the brush!

-Now, listen...
-Agh!

-I'm gonna ask you
one more time.

Where is he?
-I don't know where he is!

There's nothing to tell,
I swear!

Agh!

-I got nowhere else to go!
-I don't know!

-I got no --
-Agh!

-I'm a lot smarter now, thanks.
-Rock quarry.

Rock quarry.

He told me to bring you there
in the morning.

-You got a little on your nose.

-What's he gonna do after
we get there?

-Uh, have a late breakfast?
-I don't know.

All he told me
was to bring you there.

That's all.

-Did he, uh, say anything
about what time?

I like to be prompt.

-Crapout, tie him up.

-And don't be afraid
to use a granny knot.

-I'm sure you glad
you came back, old buddy.

-You ever met a spy before?

-Just tie him up,
and make it snappy.

-Luke, I --
I'd like you to do me a favor.

-We really are good friends,
aren't we?

-What?
-Stand a little closer.

-Go into town and bring
the police out here.

-You mean I finally
got through to you?

-Yep, you finally
got through to me.

-Well, it's about time.
Let's get the hell out of here.

-Now I know where he's at,
I'm not letting him get away.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Okay, but don't you
start nothing.

I'll be back in an hour or so.

-Okay, I won't start nothing,
I promise, Luke.

We'll meet you
at the rock quarry, okay?

-Okay.
-All right.

-Man, then things
got really weird.

-Acid Canyon.

-Ooh!

♪♪

-Now this is how
you do a monkey,

and you crouch a little lower
to do an Orangutan.

-Wow.
-Just as I suspected.

This is where they shot
the "Love Shack" video.

-Oh!

♪♪

-Pitiful.

♪♪

-[Clears throat]

-Ah, ah.

[Smacking lips]

[Sniffing]

-Got a little on the...

-I got a bike that's as big
as a whale.

-Get with the 10-foot pole.

That'll work really well.
Yeah.

-Mm, moose track.
Two, three day old.

♪♪

-You think you've got problems?

I'm not even supposed
to be in this film.

-Gary Collins, today at 4:00
on "Hour Magazine."

-Hey, it's Cheech Marin!

-Huh.
-Poison still fresh.

♪♪

-[Vocalizing]

-I'm a little rabbit,
sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.

-Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

♪♪

-It's the Cap Snaffler.

-It really, really works.

Oh, don't grab his gun.

No guns.
Unh-unh.

No bongos!
Uh...

Is it hot out here,
or is it just me?

-No sweaters!
-Not allowed.

♪♪

-I'll just walk under the cover
of this air here.

♪♪

-Hmm.

-I set my own trap,
then I go after him.

-Oh! Agh!

-How about a little fire,
scarecrow?

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Shot with a tomato gun.

-Ooh!
-No drumming!

-Not allowed.

-Hey, they're playing
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

-Mm, mm, mm.
-How annoying.

-J.C.!

J.C.!

-Whee!
-Go!

J.C.!

-Hmm?
-J.C.!

-Soylent Green is made
from people!

-Go! J.C.!

-Ooh!
-Yeah, I'm quick on the draw.

Nice, huh?
-Yikes.

-Hmm.

-You know, boy, I never did
think this thing would work.

-Ouch.
-Come on, now, let's go!

Let's move it! Hyah!
-Yeah!

-Get me a gun.
-Hey, they're riding number 15!

That reminds me of a joke --
number 16.

Heh, heh, heh.

♪♪

-Kind of wish that
was the director there.

-Yeah.

-Hmm.
-Oh! Okay.

I just changed my policy.

Everybody use guns.

-Number 16, heh.

-If the bullets don't kill him,
the music will.

-Yeah.

♪♪

[Engine revving]

[Gunshots]

-Uh! More dead people.
Funny, huh?

-Yeah. Neat.

♪♪

-Whoo!
-Got him again.

-Amazing.-Came out of his tuck too early.

-Yeah.

-Too bad about having
to die like that.

-Get out of here!
-Yeah!

Our contractual obligation
in this movie is over!

-No guns?
What the heck was I thinking?

-Yeah. I'll just hide behind
these blades of grass here.

Yeah. That's gonna help.

-Okay, okay. I got to remember
that I'm crazy.

Note to myself -- load guns
before killing spree.

Yeah.
-Hmm.

-Okay.
-Hmm.

♪♪

-That's right,
pretend you're hurt.

-Ouch.

♪♪

-Honey lips?

-What are we gonna
do now, lover?

-Oh, what's that supposed
to mean?

You comin' onto me?

-It's the end of the line!

-Hmm.

-I never met a general before!

Why don't you come on over?

We can get acquainted.
[Chuckles]

-Yeah.

-You're not talkin'!
-And that hurts me.

We never talk anymore!

You're so distant!
Where's the love?

-Got nothing to say?
-I'm sorry!

Wait, what am I apologizing for?

-Well...

This isn't gonna take a licking.

Keep on ticking.
Only you understand me.

-All right!
All right!

-You said that.
-I'm coming out!

-I'm coming out, and I don'thave any jewelry or accessories!

-I am Kirok!
-Just you and me!

-And a dog named Boo!

-Join me, and all this
can be yours!

-So, it's been a while.
-Yeah.

-Good to see you again, and all.

-Hey, what's been going ever
since, uh, you and I --

-Oh!
-Oh, why didn't I get

out of his way?

Ugh!

-[Laughing]

-Oof!

-Routine 37.

I should have known.
-Ugh!

-Ooh!
-There he goes.

-Oh, there's a foreign object
in that ring.

[Siren wailing]
-Uh-oh.

-Meanwhile, 12,000 miles away,

Akron's best speed toward

the hills of Southern
California.

Oh, Andy, faster...

-[Grunting]

-Ow, that's my sore arm!
Ow, ow, ow!

That's no fair!
Ow, my -- Ow!

-Whoa!

-Oh, it hurts and stuff.
-Hikeba!

-Hikeba!
Huh!

-Oh, that'll teach you to fall

under a conveniently
placed cable.

-[Choking]

-Uh, so you think I need

bridge work, huh?
Oh, okay.

Huh.

-[Groans]

[Groaning]
-[Panting]

-I love you.
-Now, are you gonna sit down

and work this thing out or what?

-Ugh!

-Oh, with a karate chopto the head, the neck, the body!

-[Speaking gibberish]

[Men panting and grunting]

-Oh!
-A lot of grunting going on.

-I always did love you.

-[Grunts]

-And he missed.

-They're in a rut.
-Oh!

Ah.

-Ugh!

Agh. Agh!

Hey!
-[Grunting]

-I-I'm sorry, what'd you say?

-Yeah. Come.

Come over to this other rut.

That's better, isn't it?

-Oh, you took my thumb, Charlie.

You took my thumb, Charlie!

-Hey, Charlie.
-Meanwhile,

on the plains of Nebraska,
the car speeds forward.

-Oh!
-Ooh!

That had to sting.

-Ooh!
-Ooh, that one really hurt.

-Ow!
-You crushed it!

You crushed it!
It hurts and stuff.

-Ow!

-Throw him to the ground,
Centurion!

-You're lucky my chick's
not here, you know that?

[Siren wailing in distance]

-Well, okay, you bum.

But if you do it again,
you get more of the same.

[Wailing continues]

-You didn't figure this
into the formula.

-Oh!

-Okay, pull!

-Oh.

-Oh, brother.
-What?

-Oh.

-I hope this doesn't happen
when you die.

That would really be upsetting.

-It's all supposed to be
a dream here.

Is that what's going on?

-So, I guess there's not gonna
be any more sidehacking, huh?

-I don't think.-Sidehacking on a coffin, maybe.

-♪ A story
-Side-coffin.

-Side-coffin.

-It's possible.
-Oh, that's clever.

-Didn't the Munsters' car
used to have a side-coffin?

-Well, uh,
Grandpa drove a coffin.

-Yeah.
That was the dragster one,

and there was the big
Town Car one.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Are you trying
to change the subject?

-No. No.

-♪ Forever

♪ Only love
-I can't do it.

-♪ That's the film

-This film was also released
as "Million Dollar Legs."

-I thought so.

-Wasn't Ginger Rogers there?
-♪ Only love

-Most of her scenes were cut.
-Yeah.

-♪ That's the film

-There's those Tessier
sisters again.

-Well, we better
get out of here.

-Yeah.
-Our job is done.

-The Tessier girls.
[Laughs] Get it?

[Creaking]

[Doors whooshing]

-Oh, brother!
That was so crappy.

-Boy!
What a depressing film!

-Yeah!
Talk about nihilism.

That's the second film in a row

that had the hero
die in the end.

-Boy, we're never gonna snap outof this existential dilemma.

-Oh, I was afraid
this would happen,

so I brought this thing along.

-Joel, why was the movie so bad?-Yeah!

It was cool in the beginning
with the sidehacking,

then it went
right down the drain,

and they had to pad out

the rest of the film
with all that killing.

-Oh, no, Crow.

It wasn't killing that
padded out the film.

-No?
-Only love pads the film.

♪ When stories were young

♪ And dreams were not done

♪ And sorrow was so far away

♪♪

♪ A storybook scene

♪ With songs to be sung

♪ And life

♪ Life was just for today

-Oh, Joel!

-♪ But nothing lasts forever

♪ Only love pads the film

♪ Of all the dreams
you treasure ♪

♪ Only love

♪ Love pads the film

-Joel, may I?
-Please.

-♪ The love that you made

♪ Were two hearts in one

♪ Our flowers still blow
in the wind, Crow ♪

-♪ You give all you take

♪ A day in the sun

♪ But even the sun
must descend ♪

-Everybody, now. Come on.
-Ta-da!

-♪ But nothing lasts forever

-♪ Forever
-Ugh.

-♪ Only love
-♪ Only love

-♪ Pads the film
-♪ Pads the film

-♪ Of all the dreams
you treasure ♪

-♪ Treasure

-♪ Only love,
love pads the film ♪

-♪ Pads the film

-Oh, Gyps.

-♪ The mad scientists
are calling ♪

♪ And now we'd better
get going ♪

-[Sobbing]

Listen to them up there!

Singin' and dancin' their
dear little hearts out.

Those poor --
I'm gonna bring them down.

-Oh, why don't we invite
the entire King family in here?

-Oh, and the cow
showing up with people.

-Oh, never mind.

Don't you have some letters
to read, pink boy?

-Yeah, of course.
I got them right here.

Um, let's see.

Cambot, put this one up
on the screen.

Oh, it's just print,
but they should see it anyway.

"For Joel, Tom Servo,
and Crow..."

-Hey!
-"I'm 13 years old,

and my family
loves your show a lot.

Every time we watch it,
we can't stop laughing."

-Aww!
-"The best I like

is the nice tag or nice dive
and the bots sitcom."

"Well, you might need
a calculator," he says.

You remember that?
-Oh, yeah, sure.

-The twins.
-The calculator.

-"And when Tom Servo, Crow,
sometimes Gypsy play

when they have to tell
something good and play bad

about the movie,
for gram chips."

-Oh!

-He thinks they're called
gram chips.

-No, no, no.
Not yet.

-But, anyway, uh...

Anyway, that's from "With
laughs, from Chris Tacket."

Maybe we could do a good thing

and a bad thing
about that letter.

You got a good thing to say?
-Good thing is --

Well, oh, I'm --
-Gram chips.

-Oh, I'm just so full of love
right now,

I can't say a bad thing.
-What about you,

you got a bad thing to
say about that letter?

-Uh...

The printing's nice.
-Okay.

That's a bad thing?
-Uh, yeah.

-If you've seen Joel write...
-Anyway, let's put that --

Cambot, let's put the address
up on the screen,

and, Tom Servo,do the mighty voiceover, please.

-Okay! Send your letters
to the Mystery Science Theater

3000 Information Club.

That's Post Office Box 5325.

Hopkins, Minnesota.

Zip is 55343.
And we love you.

-Okay, and the next one --

Cambot, put this one up
on the still store.

-Oh, nice.
-This one says...

"Dear Go," which is Joel,
"Serbo, and Crow."

-Hey!
-"I really like SF and I

don't mean San Francisco."

-[Laughs] A little joke there.
-"And I like Tom Serbo best."

It's Tom Servo, by the way.

-Thank you very much.
-"Because he's cute."

-Aww!
-"I like Crow because

he always
makes me laugh."

-Aww.
-"I would really like for

another robot to be on the show,but not a boy or a girl.

I would like her to look like --P.S. -- I drew a picture

on the back,
but I want one girl for Crow."

-Yeah! Me, too!
-"And for you, Joe."

-Aww.

-But it's kind of just Gypsy,
a redesign of Gypsy.

We've already got a girl here,
silly.

-We love Gypsy.

-Anyway, guess that ought
to do it.

What do you think, sirs?

-I think I liked it.

Well, until next time,
Joel Hackerson.

Go ahead, Frank.
Push the button.

-I will.
-Push it.

-I will push the button.
-Push the button, Frank.

-I will push the button.
-Just push the button.

-I will.
-Push --

-I will.
-Make one of these.

-I will push the button.
-And do this.

-I will push the button.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Beeping]