Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 2, Episode 9 - Project Moonbase - full transcript

-* In the not-too-distant
future *

* Next Sunday A.D.

* There was a guy named Joel

* Not too different
from you or me *

* He worked
at Gizmonic Institute *

* Just another face
in a red jumpsuit *

* He did a good job
cleaning up the place *

* But his bosses
didn't like him *

* So they shot him into space

* We'll send him
cheesy movies *

* The worst we can find

-* La la la

-* He'll have to sit
and watch them all *

* And we'll monitor his mind

-* La la la

-* Now, keep in mind
Joel can't control *

* Where the movies
begin or end *

-* La la la

-* Because he used
those special parts *

* To make his robot friends

* Robot Roll Call

-* Cambot
-* Pan left

-* Gypsy
-* Hi, girl

-* Tom Servo
-* What a cool guy

-* Croooow
-* He's a wisecracker

-* If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes *

* And other science facts

-* La la la

-* Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show *

* I should really just relax"

* For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" *

[Doors thud and creak]

[Doors whir]

[Doors thud and clank]

[Door slams]

-30 seconds to commercial sign.

-Hi, everybody.
I'm Joel, as you know,

and I'm on
the Satellite of Love here.

-Ugh.
-We're trapped out

in outer space.

Just got done cleaning up
the robots

for the experiment this week.
-Mm.

-All nice and clean,
there you go.

-Commercial sign in 15 seconds.

-Okay. I guess we got a com, uh,

commercial coming up real soon,
and, uh, we're expecting a call

from the evil scientists
as well,

so you might want
to stick around.

-Commercial sign in 5, 4, 3, 2.

Commercial sign now.

-Stick around.

We'll be right back.

**

-A cow.
-A bowl of Quisp.

-A Gutenberg printing press.

-Uh, oh, the first-level
ROM card

of the Cray-1 supercomputer,
generation C, 1987.

-Right.
-Oh.

-Yes. Yes.
-All right.

Hey, the scientists are calling.

-Come in, Joel,
my little spunk dumpling.

-Hey, sirs. Is it time for
the invention exchange?

-No, it's time for
the AAU swim meet.

Yes, it's time for
the invention exchange!

-Dazzle us, Sparky.

-All right, sirs.

This week, I've got a new way
of juggling water.

Okay. You're gonna
help me, Crow.

You're gonna pitch to me,
so take this turkey baster.

-Uh, uh-huh.
-Carry it over there.

Take it over thataway.
-All right.

-Okay, and I've got these two
ping-pong paddles, okay,

with special surfaces
that repel water.

Okay, and, Crow, on
the count of three,

I want you to shoot a jet
of water here, okay?

-Okeydokey.
-Ready?

1, 2, 3.

-Nice shot.
-Uh...

-Um, arc it up a little bit,
Crow.

On the count of three...
-Sorry.

-...let's go.
1, 2, 3.

Perfect. Good.

Got it. Okay.

See? Look it.

I'm juggling water, you guys.

-Cool.
-See?

Under the leg.
-Wow!

-Over the back.
-Cool.

-Here we go.
-Hey.

-See? Just like that.

See?
Whoops.

-Oh.
-Dropped it.

What do you think, sirs?

-Oh, I've seen more
impressive tricks

on a box of Cracker Jacks.

-Well, there are those little,
uh, tattoo things,

those lick-on...
-Larry, Larry.

Now our invention this week
combines the arty effect

of the old Etch A Sketch
with the educational payoff

of Uncle Milty's Ant Farm.

We call it the Insect A Sketch.

Larry.
-What we've done

is we've taken the normal
directional

capabilities of the ant
and scrambled them

with an ultrasonic directional
device,

a little guidance of
some of our own.

See?
I wrote my name.

[Laughs]

-Yes, and like its predecessor,
it clears with a shake.

Very nice, Larry.

Now make me a picture
of Jokey Smurf.

-Okay. I'd love to.

-Well, what do you think?

-Uh, uh, I think it could really
bruise a child's tender psyche.

-Thank you.

-Well, our movie this week
is called "Project Moonbase,"

and it features a group of
astronauts almost as inept

as you are, Joel.
-[Laughs]

And a plot as weak
as herbal tea.

-Yes, but first,
how about a double dip

of our old friend Commando Cody

and the "Radar Men
From the Moon"?

-[Laughs]

-I'm not listening.
-La, la, la.

No, no, no.

-Interesting reaction.

What do you think, Larry?
-I think I'm almost done.

See, I just got to get the
little curved Smurf hat in.

-Give me this.

Taste the pain, buddy.

-Enjoy.
-Whoa! Oh!

-We got movie sign!
-Whoa!

[Doors whir]

[Doors screech and creak]

**

-[Sighs]

Did you really think
it was better?

-Yeah, I think, uh,
you were much better.

The water juggling is really
pretty, uh, solid.

-Oh.
-Definitely cool.

Hey, a new character.
-Yeah.

-Yeah, right.

-Ooh.

Ah.

-George Wallace in his
pregubernatorial days.

-Clayton Moore before
his "Lone Ranger" days.

-And Dale Van Sickel,
he never made a bad film.

-But Noel Cravat did.

Ronald Davidson, John Davidson's
smarter brother.

**

-And Franklyn Ajaye.
-Hey, come on.

-Hey.
-Close.

**

-Fred C. Bran Muffin.

-"Chapter Seven:
Camouflaged Destruction."

Commando Cody learns that Graber
and Daly are on Clark Mountain.

They go after them through
Zagnut Valley.

-[Laughs]

**

Watch me. Catch me.

Try to catch me.
[Laughs]

I'm a little wabbit.

[Laughs]

**

-Huh?

-When Cody gets here,
give yourself up.

Try not to get too close to him.

-But, look, I...
-Don't argue.

Do what I tell you.
-And wet your lips.

Straighten your tie.

-[Laughs]

-Don't move.
-Oh, I mean,

you can move a little bit.

Uh, you can breathe and stuff.

-Montana looks left.

-Drop your gun.

-He's open.
-Where's Graber?

-Fires away,
and it's incomplete.

Ooh, that could've been
his rotator cuff.

-Plummeting towards earth.

-Wow!
-Really?

-Wow.

**

Meanwhile, back at the Cody
Institute for People

Who Almost Die Every Week...
-I got the flying suit

under control just before I
crashed, but I'd lost my gun.

When I tried to look
for Graber and his pal,

they had disappeared.

They must have taken off
for the hills on foot.

-So where are we now?
-Oh, think about it, lady.

-Well, back where we started...
-You're in the lab.

-...except that we
do know that Graber's

been hanging out at Al's Cafe.

-He'll probably never
show up there again.

-But I might find somebody
around there who knows them.

Anyway, I'm going to
give it a try.

-That's his desk gun.
-I'll call you later.

-It's just a spare,
feels good, though.

-Al's Cafe, serving the
underworld since 1923.

-Sure, I've seen him
around here,

talked to him a few times, but I
don't know anything about him.

-What'd you talk to him about?

-Well, I'm a mechanic,

and the last time they asked me
to do some work

on a truck motor for them,
I couldn't handle the job,

so yesterday it was.

I told them to try Benson's over
on the south side of town,

but I don't know whether they
ever went over there or not.

-Mm-hmm.

I'll check up on it.

Do you know Benson's address?

-It's on Central between
14th and 15th,

south side of the street.

-But I don't know his address.
-Mm-hmm.

Good. Thanks.

-I'll let you know if they ever

turn up here again, Mr. Cody.

-Good. See you later.

-Boy, I hate that guy.

**

-Meanwhile, back at the casino,
the keno game raged on.

-Ever kissed a dog, I mean,
like, right on the mouth?

**

-Krog calling Retik.

-Bill, pick up line one, please.

It's your wife, Mr. Retik.

-Come in, Krog.
-We have the new ray gun ready

to mount in a well-camouflaged
truck, Your Excellency,

and are prepared to
renew our campaign.

-And our contracts.
-Good.

What are your first objectives?

-Since the authorities here
learned of your planned invasion

from the Moon, there have been
heavy troop movements

in this area.

We plan to concentrate on
destroying troop trains.

-Very well.
Work as fast as possible.

We must have Earth's defense
completely disorganized...

-They're cool.
-...before we start

our invasion from the Moon.

-Yes, Your Excellency.
-Yes, Your Excellency.

Get a bomb.
Hire some thugs.

Get new thugs.

I'm beginning not to believe
this world-conquer thing anyway.

-Is everything ready?
-Yes.

We can pick up the truck
and get going.

-Here are the time tables

and a map with the best points
of attack indicated.

Cover as many of them
as you can today.

-Right.
-And then knock off

for a light lunch.
You guys have been working hard.

-No, I don't remember anyone
answering that description,

but of course we run a lot of
jobs through here,

and I don't know
all the drivers.

-How about these trucks
that are in here now?

-Well, this one and this one

are a couple of my regular
customers.

That one's a cross-country job

that came in last night
for an ignition check.

I didn't see who the driver was.

The nightman took care of it.

-Okay if I look it over?
-Sure, go ahead.

-This little honey?

Oh, yeah, it's a smart
little number.

I can see you're a man
who knows his trucks.

This one's got all the candy.

Going after Moon men,
this is perfect.

It's a real honey.

Yep, real crates and everything.

**

Hi.
-Get away from that truck.

-Hey. What's going on?

-Frisk him.

Stay out of this
or you'll get hurt.

-Now, look. I don't want
any trouble in here.

-So I'm just gonna hit you
with this crowbar.

-Hey, Joel. Do mechanics fight
better than scientists do?

-Well, they often have heavy
wrenches in their hand,

so they do a lot better.
-Oh.

**

-Nobody touches
my Snap-on tools.

Cool.

-Hey.
-Just a little thing I made.

I knew we'd use them sometime.

-Cool.

-Pretty neat, huh?

-Hey, that guy
wrenched his back.

-He really socketed that guy.

-[Laughs]

He's hammered!

**

[Clattering]

-Do, ooh, ooh.

Ooh, he bench-pressed him.

[Chuckles]

**

-Ooh.

-Oh, look.
He's getting tired.

-What a retread.

-It's the vice squad.

-It's John Cleese, you bastard.

-Let's roll.

**

**

-Well, at least he's getting
used to being beat up.

-Hey, he's not even hurt.

They must have been using
Nerf tools or something.

[Engine revs]

Not even a scratch.

-* Underoos are fun to wear

-The truckload of radios
was a phony.

-* And I can fly from
here to there *

-The whole back end
was a fake door,

and I'm sure they're planning on
hiding something inside.

-Probably a ray gun.
-That's what I'm afraid of.

They'll probably start blasting
again any time now.

I've sent Ted out to the airport

to stand by on a plane
with some light bombs.

-He hasn't been able to lift
heavy bombs since his hernia.

-I'll fly out
and try to locate that truck,

then radio Ted to bomb it.

[Telephone rings]

Cody Laboratory.
-Uh, Mr. Cody.

I'm so upset.
They just blasted a troop train

on the east end
of Carson Valley.

I'm here all by myself,
and I don't what to do.

Please help.
-They just blasted a troop

train on the east end
of Carson Valley.

Radio Ted to take off
on a plane...

-Uncanny.
-...and watch them fly around

out there. I'll contact him

as soon as I spot the truck.

-Right away.

-Hello, Domino's.
-Calling Ted Richards.

Calling Ted Richards.

-Nipple, nipple, tweak,
tweak, fly!

-Whoa!

**

-Phew!

**

Boy, he's got a nasty tailwind.

-Must have been
something he ate.

-Shouldn't they take off
before they crop dust?

Unless we're doing ginseng.
-Yeah, ginseng.

-Fly the plane, Ted.

Get the girl, Ted.

Oh, I'm gonna
show him something.

**

**

-Calling Ted Richards.

Calling Ted Richards.

-Who is it?
-This is Ted. Come in.

-Who do you think, dolt?
-I spot the truck.

It's going a long a dirt road

just east of the end
of the valley.

-I'll be right with you.
-Okay.

I'll keep them in sight
until you show up.

-Does Cody normally travel
with a full radio pack on?

-It's his radio flyer.

-Flying ham outfit.

-Hey, UPS.

Cody must be tracing a package
or something.

-Now this is the third time
I've done

this "Camouflaged Destruction"
scene, so listen up.

-Cody's after us again!
-We'll stop him.

Use the rifle.

-That should stop him.

Pull.

[Gunshot]

-Whoa.
-Look out.

-Missed him. Drift left.

Pull.

[Gunshot]

**

-Oh, they got homicide doors
on that thing.

-Did you get him?
-No, but I scared him off.

-So he can fly back and tell
the cops where we are?

-So what? By the time they get
out here, we'll be long gone.

**

**

-Ted, Ted.
-This is Ted.

-Who is it?
-It's me.

It's always going to be me.

Whoever calls you, it's me.

-Right!
-Oh.

**

**

**

-Let me get that door for you.

Yeah.

**

-Yeah, just put that stuff
in the back.

I kind of live
in my plane really.

You know, if you want to put
the seat back, go ahead.

You know, just make
yourself comfortable.

-What gives?
-The truck's just ahead.

Fly over that dirt road.

-Okay.
-Where are the bombs?

-Right there.

**

-Oh, could you guys have found
a smaller bomb?

What are the odds of a moving
plane hitting a moving target

with a moving bomb
that looks like a pineapple?

Geez.
-Oh, great, double-oh Cody.

Do you have a license
to kill now, Mr. Cody?

-What was that?

-Oh, just an exploding
dip in the road.

-There's a plane up there.
He must have bombed us.

And it looks like he's coming
back for another try.

-Uh-oh.

-We'll give a blast
with our ray gun.

-That was pretty close,

but drop down a little lower
next time.

-This time, use a water
balloon.

That'll really scare 'em.

**

-Hold it up right there.

Let it out.

-Okay. Let's see.

Bathroom stuff, books,
nicknacks, kids' room.

Hey, where's that
ray gun anyway?

Oh!

**

-Hey, they've stopped!

-Looks like they're aiming
a gun at us.

Dive on them quick!
-But stay in the plane, Ted.

**

-Hurry it up!
He's diving on us again!

-A blast from the Chevy horn.

-You missed!

-Aimed too quick.
Turn the truck around.

I'll get another shot at him.
-Right!

**

-Well, they missed,
but how are we gonna get

a cliff-hanging ending
for this episode?

-You know, my flying helmet's
really hard on my scalp, Ted.

How do you keep yours so smooth

and young-looking besides
using shellac all the time?

**

**

-Well, that's the end.

Next week,
a new character for sure.

There's no way you could
get a guy out of that one.

-Uh-uh.

**

**

**

-* We're watching
"Commando Cody" *

* And that's a new character
from Republic *

* He gets in trouble
every week *

* But he's saved by editing

* Just a tweak of the nipple
sends him on his way *

* A pumpkin head
and a rocket pack *

* He'll save the day

-* His laboratory
is a boxing ring *

* When bad guys come
to mix it up *

* Somebody always
gets kidnapped *

* And Cody has to fix it up

* He drinks his tea
at Al's Cafe *

* And flies along on wires

* He beats up crooks

* And flies with hooks

* And puts out forest fires

-* Bad guys, beware

* Cody is there

* You'll like his hair

* It's under his helmet

* 'Cause we couldn't think
of a good rhyme *

* And that's the end of the
"Commando Cody" theme song *

* So sit right back and with
a will of granite and watch *

* "Chapter Eight:
The Enemy Planet" *

[Laughter]

-Very nice.

On May 17th in the eighth
Superior Court of California,

Los Angeles, Graber
and his goon, Daly,

were sentenced to three
consecutive 5-year sentences

at the Actors' Correctoral
Facility in Chino.

Daly went on to win
the 1989 Chicago...

-You missed!
-Aimed too quick.

Turn the truck around.

I'll get another shot at him.
-Right.

-Why don't they just turn
the gun around?

-Because it'd shoot right
through

the back of the truck, Crow.
-Oh.

-But it's a rented truck.

-Yeah, but it's on,
uh, Graber's card.

-Yeah, but he stole that card.

-But he's a thief.
He's supposed to steal cards.

-Yeah, but the card is
the ace of clubs.

-No, it's
the player's club card.

He rented the truck and got
two free hotel nights

at Resorts International
Atlantic City

and has a complimentary
continental breakfast.

-Atlantic City?
Atlantic City?!

Slowly I turn.
-Oh, stop it!

-Step by step.
-Stop it.

-Let's bail out!
-Okay.

**

-Aw, they blew up the plane.
-That's okay.

It was a rented plane,
and they...

-Okay. Stop it.

**

-Shoot.
-Uh-oh.

-Truck.

**

-Here he comes.
-Whoa!

-Incoming!

-Whoa.
-Whew, that was a close one.

**

-Meanwhile, back at the Cody
Institute for Deceptive Editing.

-...system of defense
against those ray guns.

-It's practically impossible

unless we build
ray guns of our own.

-Would you look at
the skull on that guy?

-He looks like my dead Uncle
Phil now.

-So if it meets with your
approval, I'll make another...

-I wonder how much
he charges to haunt a house.

-You think you can do it?
-I'm not sure,

but it's worth trying.

Anything is better
than sitting here

like tin ducks
in a shooting gallery.

-I heartily agree.

If you're willing to make
the attempt,

you can certainly
have permission.

How soon can you start?
-Right away.

The rocket ship is
all fueled and ready.

Joan...
-Rocket ship?

We're going back to the
Moon it sounds like.

-Terrific.
-I want to get started before

there's any chance
of the news leaking out

so Retik won't be laying for us
when we get there.

-Mm.

Watch the fin, everybody.
Whoops.

-Oh. Ooh.

-Scarecrow, I think I'll miss
you most of all.

-Hope this trip is as easy
as your last one.

-Thanks.
It should be.

-Since we're using
the same footage.

-Bye.
-Goodbye.

-Goodbye, sir.
-Bye.

-The last one wasn't easy
at all. They got shot at.

-You know, they should invest
in a control tower.

-Hiya, folks.
Here we go again.

-Hello, Hank.
All set?

-Any time now.

**

**

Safety belts fastened?
-No, it's not a law yet.

-Fire pilot jets.
-Well, one jet.

-Fire main jets!
-Fire all the jets.

Get the Osmonds
back on contract.

**

-This thing is loaded
with candy.

Watch what I can do with it.

**

You know, I could
get used to this.

-Yes, yes.

-Cruising around in a big jet,
lots of beer.

-We're at full speed, Hank.

Set a course for the Moon.

-Which moon?
-Right.

-Hey, take a left at L2.
You can't miss it.

Dave's van is parked out front.

-Let me show you
what this baby can do.

You guys ever seen
a barrel roll?

[Chuckles]
-Yikes.

**

-Yahtzee.

-If I'd have brought that
straight edge,

we'd make it to the Moon
in half the time.

-Here, use my forehead, Phil.

**

-We're just about here.

We ought to be down
in another 2 hours.

**

-I'm getting really hungry.

Everyone, look
for the Stuckey's.

-I can see the city now.

We don't want to get too close,
so swing west,

Hank, and head
for that same canyon.

-Okay.

**

-I see 1,000 points of light.

It looks like Cleveland.

-Shh.
-Okay. I'll take her down.

**

-We are now
approaching the Moon.

Please place your office chairs
into the upright position.

The temperature on the Moon
is a balmy 70 degrees.

Enjoy your stay.

-All right.
Set 'er down.

-Kind of looks like
the Upper Dells.

-Yeah.

-Wisconsin's a beautiful
place to be.

-You sure you don't want me
to go along?

-No, not this time.

This is just a scouting trip

to try to find
where they keep the Lunarium.

-How do you expect to do that?
-Well, if I'm lucky,

I'll be able to capture
one of the Moon men

and get some information
out of him.

-Well, bundle up, honey.

It's cold out there.

**

-Ugh, radishes.

[Clears throat]

**

-Good morning.
Where's my paper?

Where's our shrubs?
Oh, I'm on the Moon.

How silly of me.

Um, space travel.

-And away!

**

-So sunny on the Moon today.

-Huh?

-Oh, I'm just standing on
this hill, no lookin' around.

Oh, there I am.
-It's Don Knotts.

-Huh?
-Give me that gun.

It's mine.

**

-Oh, it's that old
"Sea Hunt" routine.

**

-Pure helium?

What are you tryin' to do,
kill me?

-Do you want me to cut
off your air again?

-No.

-Uh-uh.
-No.

-Where is the Lunarium stored?
-I will tell you.

-Think I'll pass?
-Sure, you'll pass all right.

-Look. They're forcing him
to eat Joan's cooking.

-He wasn't in any position
to lie very well.

-He's just getting his free
continental breakfast.

-I was just lucky I picked
on one of the men

who guard the Lunarium.
-I can't believe

we're trying
to annihilate you.

This is delicious!

Uh, hey, pass the jam, will you?

**

-It's a little after 9:00.
I'll go right in.

You find a place to hide
and watch for me to come out.

-Okay.
-Geez, he got right through

their rigid security system.

I can't believe that.

**

**

-About time you got here.

-I was delayed.

-I'm a phony, you know.

[Laughs]

**

-Oh, that's right.
The Sonic closes after 10:00.

Well, I'll have to use
my after-hours pass key.

**

**

-All right.
I found my Nintendo.

I'm gonna play "Super Mario
Bros." and everything.

This is gonna be so great.

Oh, it's heavy.

**

**

[Air releasing]

-Oh, I'm not sorry
for that one.

That felt wonderful.

[Coughing]

Oh, I shouldn't do that
in a pressure suit.

[Coughs] Ugh.

**

-You got it.
-Yes, it's so heavy,

it's going to take us a week
to lug it back to the ship.

-[Laughs]

-Get out of sight, quick.

**

-You know, these Moon men
have uses for plywood

we haven't even dreamed of yet.

-You wait in the car.

I'm gonna go see
if Judy's ready.

**

-Come on.

**

-Judy, I'm down in the lobby.
Can you buzz me up?

Got Dad's car.

**

A case of Moosehead, no curfew.

This is gonna be
the best road trip ever.

-Yeah.

-Here's a lesson
for you teens --

Always lock up
and take the keys.

Don't let a good boy go bad.

-Very well.

**

-Oh, Dad's gonna be torqued.

I got to make up a story.

Hmm.
Wandered to the far side...

Yeah, that's it.
-Somebody stole my car.

Send another one quickly.
-Listen.

I'm not gonna bail you
out of trouble

every time you lose a car.

Someday, I'm not gonna
be there for you.

-Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
-How's the fuel pressure?

-Seems okay.

-This is so great.

-What those Duke boys
didn't know is that

Boss Hogg
had stolen the General Lee.

[Vocalizes "Dixie"]

Yee-haw!
Yah yah!

Whoo!

**

-Take all the speed you can.
-There he is.

-Let's try for a near miss.
That might stop him.

-Whoa.

-What was that?
-A ray gun blast.

See what's behind us.

-Uh, I think it's a ray gun.

**

-Oh, it's just some car.

That must mean they want
to pass us.

-Huh?
-Mood signal or something.

-There's another car chasing us!
We'd better use our gun.

-I have to turn around to do it.

There's a bunch of rocks ahead
that will give us some shelter.

We'll wait until we get there.

**

-He's heading for some rocks!
We'll have to stop him.

**

-Oh, it's the "Das Boot"
theme all over again.

-"Das Moon Boot."
-...pressure line.

We're stuck.
-I'll say we are.

-The pressure's down
to nothing.

I could fix this if I have time.

-I took moon mechanics
in high school.

-Okay.

-We're stuck behind a rock,
but I think I can blast it.

**

-By this time, my lungs
were aching for air.

-You hit the helium!

-[High pitched]
Help me! Help me!

-We got to get out of here,
you guys.

-Help me! Oh, no!

**

[Doors thud and creak]

[Doors whir]

[Doors thud and clank]

[Door slams]

-Okay, Ted. Stop here.
I'm gonna hover here

for a moment and survey
the landscape.

-[Imitating rocket engines]

-Okay. Now I think I'm gonna
fly over to that window

and look for those
rotten radar men from the Moon.

-Are you done yet?
-No, I'm not done yet!

Okay. Let's do a fly-by
of that nudist colony.

Swing it into high, Teddy!

I feel the need,
the need for speed!

-Come on, Servo.
-Who?

-I mean, Commando Servo.

I think Crog wants
to talk to us.

-You're a good
little helper, Ted.

Let's go! Come on.

-Hey, you guy --
I mean...[clears throat]

Earth men.

I want you to take
an atomic bomb

the size of a pineapple,
strap it to a piper cob,

and then crash into
Mount Vesuvius.

Then, on your way back,
swing by Al's and pick me up

a, uh, Swiss cheese
on a Kaiser roll.

Oh, I can't get into this.

Joel, I want to be
Commander Cody for a while.

-Ted, who is that squeaky little
worm in the kaftan down there?

-It's Crog, and he wants
to wear your costume.

-Doesn't he have any idea
who he's dealing with?

I could...
-Eh, you're Servo,

and Joel's holdin' you up.

-Pay no attention to the man
holding me up.

Take me down, Ted.
I'm on a roll.

-Oh, come on, Servo.
Don't be such a baby.

-All right, Crog.
The jig is up!

Put down that cheese pistol
and fight me like a man.

-Oh, jam it in your venturi,
bubblehead!

Come on!
-Let's go, moon man!

-Give me that -- Hey!
-Whoa!

-Saved by commercial sign!

-Oh, you're lucky.
My check's here.

**

**

-Fly me in, Ted.
-Nope.

Next time, Crow gets to be,
uh, C-Commando Cody.

-You hear that?
He said I could do it.

-Commando Crow will never work.

You're too much of a pansy.

-That's it. That's it.

**

I don't know what it is,
but it's it.

-Robert Heinlein?

**

-Hey, get me, fellows!
I'm playin' the violin.

-Jerome Pycha Jr.,
cousin of Jerome Elite!

[Laughs]
Uh, kind of a typist joke.

-Miniatures by Jacque.
What are the miniatures for?

-Uh, they used a lot
of Hummel figurines

in the, uh, space sequences.
-Oh.

**

**

-Talmadge Farm remembers!

**

-In 1948, the Secretary
of Defense

proposed that the United States
build a Space Station

as a military guardian
of the sky.

By 1954 atom bombs
and inter-continental rockets

made it a necessity.

In 1963, The Beatles
first appeared on "Ed Sullivan."

In 1966, the first orbital
flight was made

by Colonel Briteis.

By 1970, the Space Station
had been built,

and free men
were reaching the Moon.

1977, hot pants became
the height of fashion.

While this was going on,
the enemies of Freedom

were not idle.

They were working to destroy
the Space Station.

-Sector number 12,
come in, please.

Sector number 12.
-Inspector 12?

He checked my underwear!
-Hey, who hasn't?

-Sector number 13,
come in, please.

-Sector number 13.
-Just doing laundry.

-Sector number 13,
come in, please!

Sector number 13,
come in, please!

-Sector number 13, in.

-We want to
recall your underwear.

-Mr. Roundtree, we're all ready
for you, sir.

-Entree, Roundtree.

Hey, it's Bob Newhart!

-No, it's Bob Hope.

-It's Toody and Muldoon!

Ooh, ooh!

-He's gonna get fired!

-Look at that, the fondue
set of the future.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Look at the little tie.

They must have got
into a tie-cutting gag.

-Roundtree, here.
-Joel, here.

-Servo, here.
-Crow, here.

-Joel, here.
-Servo, here.

-Crow, here.
-I've called you

15 sectional chiefs
to this radio rendezvous

to brief you on the situation
regarding Project "A."

We have tried for 2 years to get
an agent on that space station,

but due to impregnable
security precautions,

we have been unable to do so.

-Sorry I blew up like that.

-I have orders from
the minister himself

that we must not fail
in destroying

this perpetually
menacing eye in the sky,

and it must be done
within 2 months.

-Or I'll be really steamed.

-Therefore, I must have
information

on every person who might be
sent to that space station.

-I have 300 operatives
who are typed to resemble

all leading scientists
in the field.

-And you know
how expensive that is.

-Due to money or family
or some other reason,

these people are under
our absolute control.

Your job will be
to use every man.

-Not us.
-...under absolute surveillance.

And, so far, it's possible

to monitor
everything they say and do.

-Except the stupid stuff.
You know, the knock-knock jokes.

-My assistant will now transmit
you the names and addresses

of those people
we wish followed.

-Anderson, Andy, Adams,
Al, Ann, Adam.

-Make this a 24-hour job.

-But don't kill yourself
getting it done.

It's not worth that.

-Oh, the seat's warm! Ick!

-Calling the San
Francisco sector.

-Yeah?
-Here is a special list

for your attention.

John Adams, Henry Burns...

[Telephone rings]

Stand by.

Yes?

-Wow.
How futuristic!

-Oh, that phone bill's
gonna be enormous!

-We have information on
the next man to make the trip.

-You have?
When did you find this out?

Just a second.
I'll call Mr. Roundtree.

-Roundtree?
Hey, that's Shaft!

-Important call for you, sir.

-Oh, I was just gnawing
on my own knee.

Excuse me.
[Chuckles]

**

Thank you for warming
up the seat.

-Roundtree, here.

-Your man for Project "A"
is Dr. Wernher.

Repeat, Dr. Wernher.

W-E-R-N-H-E-R.

-What's it spell?
-Wernher!

-What's it mean?
-Diddley!

-Check the files.

See if we have a Dr. Wernher.

W-E-R-N-H-E-R.

-What's that spell?
-Wernher!

-What's it mean?
-Diddley!

-Quickly!

-Well, here you are, sir!

-We have a double for him,
all right.

-Mm-hmm.
-He's in San Francisco

under section chief three.

Exact resemblance,
except for the hair.

-It's the Warner Brothers!
-Ah, that's easy to fix.

-Send me some Grecian Formula.

-Now here's your plan of action.

Dr. Wernher is staying at
the Central Hotel in room 524.

I'll have a set of photographs
to you within 15 minutes.

-It's the future.
We can do that.

-Surround the hotel
with a cordon of operatives.

Get a room as close to him as
possible, preferably next door.

-That's as close as possible.
-I will be there within 2 hours

to take charge
of the operation myself.

**

-They'll never notice this bug
the size of an Epilady.

-Ready, here.
Testing.

1, 2, 3, 4.

-All right. It's in.

We'll be able to hear
everything that goes on.

-I can hear you right
through the door.

-You keep your ear glued to that
receiver until your leave.

-Uh, could you send some solvent
at the end of my shift?

-Say!

-Mr. Roundtree, Dr. Wernher
just came in.

[Telephone rings]

-Hello?

-This is General Greene
speaking.

-Well, this is Colonel Mustard.
-Oh, yes, General.

Delighted to hear from you!

I expected that
you would call me.

Yes.

All arrangements
have been completed

for the circumlunar flight.

-In the future, all phones
will be invisible.

-Yes.
-His hand is glued to his ear.

-I have all my preparations
complete.

-He's a hell of a mime, though.
-Yes, sir.

Mm-hmm.
You'll make arrangements

through the local
transportation office.

Good! Fine.

Thank you.
-Super. Great.

-Hope to see you soon, sir.
-Unbelievable.

Couldn't be better.
Loving life,

but, you know,
before I go, I got -- Oh.

-Where is that double?
-He's shooting a Doublemint ad.

-Wernher might be
leaving any moment.

-He'll be here shortly.

His plane arrived at the airport
25 minutes ago.

-Sir, the glue has set.
[Knock on door]

-Land Shark double.

-Finally!
-Sorry. I was detained.

-I was doubling
for someone else.

-Please be seated.
-It was double duty.

-Thank you.

-You know your job?

-I know.

-You must destroy
the space station.

According to all
my available information,

there is only two ways
of doing it.

-Neither are very good.

-One, by getting into
the bomb room of the station

and setting off
one of the bombs.

Two, by taking control
of the moonship,

which is scheduled to take,
and ramming it into the station.

-There's a bonus
if you get killed.

-You understand?
-I understand.

-Sam, take him into
the dressing room

and match his hair
to that photograph.

-Yes.
-Or match the photo to the hair,

either one.

-Well, how does the hair look?
-Like the photograph!

[Telephone rings]
-Shh!

-Yes?
This is Dr. Wernher.

Why, yes, Colonel.
I've been waiting for you!

A car in front of the hotel
in 10 minutes.

Good. I'll be there, sir.
-A big official car.

-An official car!

I'll watch for the insignia.

Thank you, sir.

Goodbye.

-He's gonna leave
in 10 minutes.

-Good.

-Uh, desk?

Uh, Wernher, here.

Uh, send a man up
for my bags, please.

Thank you.

-Sent for a bellhop.
-What luck.

I happen to be
dressed as a bellhop.

**

[Knock on door]

-Uh, gorilla bellboy double.
-Come in.

-Oh, you.

Take these, uh, two bags here,
and I'll take a briefcase.

-Uh-oh.
He forgot to say please!

-How did you get here
to quickly?

-That's how I got here
so quickly.

-Now I'm gonna use his Epilady.

-Wow. Look at all this neat
stuff he's got!

Wow. Great.

Bet he got this
at the Sharper Image.

Hey, I'm keeping that.

-Well, do I look like him?
-If you don't,

we wasted a full year looking
for you for this assignment.

-I know that, in your own way,

that means yes.
-Don't worry.

I know my job.
-Your credentials, Dr. Wernher.

-Just a moment!
-Uh, real bellboy, sir.

**

-Come in!

-You rang, sir?
-Yes.

You take those two bags,
and I'll take this briefcase.

-He forgot to say please.
-You want a cab, sir?

-No. I'm expecting a car,
an official car!

-How did you get here so fast?

-Meanwhile, in Estes Park,
Colorado.

Ooh.

**

-Dr. Wernher?

-I'll be filling in
for your rhesus monkey.

-I see your hair plugs took.

-The general is waiting
for you, sir.

-Thank you.
-And now, Doctor,

we'll rush you
through security.

This way, please.
Sergeant, bags.

**

-SPACOM, wood fill
and meat substitute.

-We built this city of SPACOM!

-Instead of Rock and Roll?
-Yup.

-You see, Bill, according
to my calculus,

36 million miles should be equal

to the ratio
of 67 million miles.

-Cut the crap, Doctor.
I love you.

-Look!
It's Dr. Bellows!

-Yes?
What is it?

-Dr. Wernher has arrived and is
going through security, sir.

-Good! Tell him I'll meet him
for the briefing as soon

as possible,
say, within a half hour.

-"Within a half hour."
-Well, that's a break.

I was afraid we'd have to cancel
just because one,

uh, confounded civilian
was gonna be late!

-If you'd please, sir,

I don't really see why we have
to take him at all.

Macintosh and I can photograph

the back face of the Moon
without help.

-Ah, a lot of politics
in these things, boy.

If we hadn't played the science
angle,

we wouldn't have
gotten the authorization.

-Funny how science, uh,
figures into space travel.

-This round the moon flight
is a necessary step

to the establishment
of a lunar base,

and you know how badly
the country needs that base.

-I do, but could you
go over it again?

-And I'm mighty pleased
that you are to be the pilot.

Oh, I hated to bump you
out of the honor

of making the first orbital
flight, Bill, but, well,

it just had to be Briteis.
You know our reasons.

Well, that's years past
and long done with, sir.

Briteis is a good pilot.

I'd be the first to admit it.

-You used to
like Briteis, eh?

-Frankly, sir, Captain Briteis
was a nice kid,

but, well, Colonel Briteis
is a little hard to swallow.

-Well, Lindberg got promoted
from captain

to colonel for less.

The president simply followed
the established precedent.

-I suppose so, sir.

Anyhow, this makes up for it.

Being the first man to fly
around the Moon

is all any pilot can ask for.

-Uh, your doughnut wrapper, sir.
-Thank you, Private Pyle.

-This is from Bismarck!

-Oh, I hate communiques
in Abu Dhabi.

Let's see it.

Round moon flight period
Briteis reporting

to SPACOM
soonest period this change...

-Sounds like they're
still typing it.

-Notify me immediately
on Colonel Briteis' arrival

and cut the orders accordingly.

-Yes, sir.

-Your doughnut wrapper, sir?

-Oh, no, sir.
Not again!

They can't do this, sir!

-Sit down, Bill,
and take it easy.

You saw where
those others originated?

-Yes, sir, but I --

-I said sit down, Bill,
and take it easy!

-Sitting, sir.
Taking it easy, sir.

-Here, have a smoke.
-Uh, smoking --

Excuse me, sir.
[Intercom buzzes]

-Sir, there are 50 reporters
outside with about

six truckloads of cameras.

They tell me Briteis
is going to --

-Yes, I know, Bob.

Route them through PRO
and security

and set up the briefing room.

-Then turn a hose on them.

-...to get this through
before blastoff.

-Oh, Bill.
-Yes, sir?

-I'm sending you as copilot.
-What?

No, sir!

I mean, well, excuse me, sir,
but if it's all the same to you,

leave Macintosh as copilot.

-He's a good apple.
-Just assumed I'll have honor.

Besides, well, it wouldn't
be fair to Macintosh.

-It's not a matter
of being fair!

This isn't some schoolboy game!

This trip has got
to be successful!

Besides, I have
more confidence in you

than I have
in Macintosh or Briteis.

-But if it were
any other pilot, sir?

-Of course, I could go through
the joint chiefs

to the president, make a score,

but that would mean
postponing the flight.

-That would be groveling, and
you know how I hate to do that.

-I'll do it.
-Good boy.

Thanks, Bill.
-Have a biscuit, Bill.

-No, biscuits make me...

[Intercom buzzes]
Excuse me. I'm sorry.

-Colonel Briteis is here, sir.
-Send the colonel in.

-Polly Prattles is
with the colonel, sir.

-What?!

-Send Polly Prattles
to Pittsburgh!

Pittsburgh is perfect
for the prissy

pressed prima donna with pressed
aluminum party pants.

-Beauty.
-Colonel Briteis,

reporting as ordered, sir.

-And the beast!
-My dear general.

-She enters the scene
like a float.

-Oh, how handsome you look!

You know, I told the president
I was so delighted...

-And I'm not talking root beer.

-...for this opportunity
of seeing you again!

-Does the phrase "drop anchor"
mean anything?

-Well, thank you, Miss Prattles.
-[Imitates foghorn]

-We're have a press conference
in a few minutes.

-Oh, but, General, I hoped
you might give me an exclusive.

-I'm very sorry, Miss Prattles.

It's policy, you know.

-The president told Polly
she could interview us.

-What?

Oh, very well, Miss Prattles.
I've give you 15 minutes here

before the meeting
in the briefing room.

Will that do?
-Oh, just lovely!

But in the meantime, let's --

-We're all set up
for the press conference

and TV broadcast, sir.

-Well, thanks, Charlie.

Oh, will you take Miss Prattles
and Major Moore for a cup

of coffee and bring them back
here in about 20 minutes?

I have a few classified matters
to discuss with the colonel --

highly classified.

-Spankin' time!

-Colonel, I'm sending Major
Moore as your copilot.

-Bill Moore?

Oh, no, General!
You can't.

-And why not?
-The big lug hates me!

He's jealous of me.

No, you'll have to
pick someone else.

-Now you listen to me,
Bright Eyes.

-Briteis, if you please.

-Shut up, Bright Eyes,
and listen to me!

Major Moore is the best pilot
we have, better than you are.

-But I don't understand
why you --

-Pipe down!
-Then be quiet.

-If he'd weighed 90 pounds
instead of 180...

-Then he's be my prom date.
-...he'd be the colonel

and a public hero,
and you'd still be a captain.

But you got the orbital flight!

You got the ticker-tape parades
and all the rest.

And ever since...
-You've gotten your own room,

the prince's phone,
the TV whenever you wanted it!

-One, colonels don't say
"no" to generals.

Two, you're not a superwoman.
You're a spoiled brat.

Three, anymore guff out of you,

and I'll turn you over my knee
and spank you!

-If you do, I'll shout
the whole place down!

-I might add that this room
is soundproof.

-You wouldn't dare!
-You want to try me?

-I spanked your copilot,
didn't I?

-No. No, sir.

-We better get out of here.
-All right.

-Spanking really is protocol
in the upper echelons of NASA.

-Let's talk about this flight,
shall we?

**

-As illustrated in this film --
Thank you, Cambot --

the tie of the future
will be cut short

to eliminate
the age-old morning question --

Is it appropriate to tuck
my tie into my pants?

In the future,
it won't even be an option.

In fact, there'll be no room
in the future

for fashion blunders.

When the short guy, a go-go tie,
swings into high,

but what others roads
will the tie

take in days of future past?

To start things off, Tom Servo,
who we call Cheeky,

is sporting
the Hexfield Body Tie

from the year 4000.
That's right.

Whether you're inside,
outside, or upside down,

the Hexfield Body Tie
fits and fits.

Very nice, Tom. Thank you.
-Don't talk to me.

I'm a high-fashion model
from the future.

-Sorry, Tom.

I'm wearing the Antigravi-tie.

This tie is a brainchild
of the defective

Fashion Jackal's Direct
To You store.

It implies
to the travel-conscious

that you're no stranger
to antigravity space travel.

Pop-up sleeves are optional.

Crow, from the planet
Ulio Kuryakyn...

-[Slurping]
-...rages on into the year 9000

with a tie that acknowledges
men will always dribble.

It senses the soup on your lips,

reaches up, and dabs
the soup away.

-[Smooching] Ahh.

-And now, our own Tom Servo
is back,

just out of the dressing room,

I might add, in the nick of time
with the ultimate tie

designed for our friends from
The Church of the Future

Machismo Irony.

They guarantee this will stay
stylish for millennia to come.

This tie is from the
Warp-Burning Plastic

Collection, again, from those
fashion drones on Maja Five.

This tie automatically lengthens
to ever-changing ties

and trends of fashion.
-[Klaxons blaring]

Oh! We got movie sign!
Let's cheese and let's go!

[Doors whir]

[Doors screech and creak]

-A rocket flight from the Earth
directly to the Moon...

-I thought that tie thing
was funny.

I don't know about you.
-I thought it was great.

-...revolving around the Earth,
a satellite view, I might add,

directly to the heroic
first orbital flight

by Colonel Briteis 4 years ago.

Now that we have
a space station...

-Or a Frisbee.

-...it is, at last,
possible to send a ship...

-Or batteries.

-...all the way
around the Moon.

-Or playground ball.
-On this trip,

Dr. Wernher will photograph
the back face...

-Or double.

-The ship will then return
to the space station.

-Or Frisbee.
-I'm so glad...

-Or a large barge.
-...and so will

all my readers be,

but, General,
what's the purpose of all this?

-Uh, what do you mean,
Miss Prattles?

-Well, my editor...
Oh, an old bear.

Nothing ever suits him.

Well, he says this whole thing
is a bulldoggle,

just another way
of wasting tax money.

Now what am I to tell him?
-Tosh!

Peccable!
-A fair question, Miss Prattles.

-Mummery! Poppycock!

-This round the moon flight
is a necessary step

before establishing
a base on the moon.

It's a survey flight.

Maybe someday the statesmen...
-You're so military.

I bet he gives good spankings.

-But, in the meantime,
if there is going to be a base

on the moon,
and there will be...

-I want it to be first base.
-...see that it's in safe hands.

-I'm not even
supposed to be here.

-Ma'am, the most important thing
in the world to me

is the military security
of the United States.

-And my dog, Floppy.

-And I'm not in the least
bit apologetic for my attitude.

-I wonder, General,
could you tell me

something about this wonderful
space station?

-I'll help you
with the cue cards.

-Yes. That would be
very interesting, General.

-Well, I can give you
a rough idea.

The station is a titanium hull

with steel bracing,
350 feet in diameter.

It rotates completely around
the Earth

in the transpolar orbit
about 10 times a day.

At present, the station
is in a state of free fall.

-Free fall?

Could you explain
that a little more?

-Well, of course.
When we speak of free fall,

we simply mean that the station
and everything in it

are moving around the Earth
at a speed which is great enough

so that it cannot
fall toward the Earth,

but it is also moving at a speed
which is not great enough

in order to enable it
to go out into space.

Therefore, the forces of gravity
and speed are now in balance.

-That was very good.
Yay!

You made it through.
-No weight?

What a wonderful idea!

-Got to be hard
for her to imagine.

-I wouldn't weigh anything?

-Nothing at all.

As a matter of fact, you'd have
to wear magnetic shoes

to keep you on the floor.

-Why, I have a pink pair
of those at home!

-...or the ceiling.

-I wonder, General,
could I arrange

to go there,
to the space station?

-Well, hardly, Miss Prattles.

-There is the little problem
of escape velocity, ma'am.

-...just about $300 a pound
to send anything to the station,

and, consequently,

our personnel must all weigh
less than 160 pounds.

-You're over by a metric ton!

-It would be so lovely
to weigh nothing at all.

[Both laughing]

-I've heard of the H-bomb,
General.

Isn't it dangerous living
and working so near to it?

-I'm very sorry, Doctor,

but that's
a highly classified subject.

-A simple yes or no
would do, dickweed.

**

-[Imitates drumming]

-Isn't she something?
-Yeah!

And the girl ain't bad, either.

-General Greene, your rocket
ship, number three, Canada,

ready for takeoff
to space station.

-No diving or splashing, please,
and no running on the deck!

-Happy landing, sir.

-Colonel Briteis,
your ship is fueled.

Check-off list completed.

-Do you need any help?
-No, thank you, Major.

I'm perfectly capable of getting
into the rocket myself.

-Well, all right,
Miss Gloria Steinem.

-That's Ms. Gloria Steinem.

-Oh, right. Yeah.

-Well, there's only one bunk.
[Laughs]

-May I strap you in, Colonel?
-No, thank you, Major!

Are your ship-to-ship
and ship-to-blockhouse

frequencies operating?

-Shipshape!
-...Colonel.

Orders are to keep
the channels cleared

until the Canada blastoff.

-Canada to Blockhouse.

Request permission
to stop pumps.

-Sorry, uh, but Canada is dry.

-Request permission
to blast off.

-Permission granted.
-Hey, Canada.

Take off, you hosers.

-Our subject today is space
launches, so, uh,

we're gonna have a takeoff.
Hey, you get it?

You know, it's kind of like
a rocket is going to take off,

and then they say
take off on that bit.

-Look at that takeoff.
-Oh, good day to you, then.

**

**

-You may start blastoff
procedure, Captain.

-Thank you, Colonel.
-Yes, Colonel.

-Mexico to Blockhouse.

Request permission
to start pumps.

[Beeping]

-Permission granted.

-Mexico to Blockhouse.
-Make a run for the border!

-...permission to blast off.

-Blockhouse to Mexico.
Clearance granted.

You are minus 10 seconds.

9, 8...
-3.

-...7...
-13.

-...6...
-9.

-...5...
-22.

-...4...
-33.

-...3...
-1,000,005.

-Hut!
-...2, 1.

-Don't blow it!
It's your big chance.

**

Whoa!

Ooh, Buddy Ebsen's happy.

-Aah!

-She's absolutely ballistic!

**

[Beeping]

-Base control to Mexico.
Prepare to receive line.

-Looks like Deep 13, kind of.

-[Vocalizing]

-...to Lock 3.
Bring them in.

-[Vocalizing]

**

-Welcome to Whambo World.

**

-That's right.

**

That ought to do it.

-Lock 3 to Mexico.
You are secured.

You may disembark.

Over.

-Mexico to Lock 3.
Disembarking.

-[Barking]

-[Snarling]
-[Whimpers]

-I must report immediately.
See you before you leave.

-I'll be with you as far
as weight control.

-I don't need any
weight control!

Maybe a tummy tuck or something.

This is all muscle!

**

-Seaman winds up.
-Listen.

-Here's the pitch, and it's
a home run for Brooklyn!

-Back to business, Major.
-Aw.

This is the future
when they sold the Dodgers

back to Brooklyn.

-Hope you enjoy the trip,
Colonel.

Happy landings, Bill.
-Thank you, Captain.

-Oh, you dropped your pen.
Shoe is untied.

[Laughs]
I love this.

-Hey, don't cross
the split screen.

-Art design by M.C. Escher.

-Whoa.
-Whoa.

-Please be seated.
-Thank you, sir.

-Nice to see you again,

Colonel, Major.
-Major.

-Colonel.
-Doctor.

-Please strap yourself
in, Colonel.

-Captain?
-...about these things.

You're in free fall.

The General has asked me
to brief you

on the conditions of this shoot.

As you know, it's to be
a circumlunar flight.

Colonel Briteis will pilot.
Major Moore, copilot.

Dr. Wernher will do the
photographic and scientific work

as you pass around
the back face of the Moon.

-I think we should attempt
a landing, sir.

-Shut up.
-One step at a time, Colonel.

There will be only
a 25-second margin of fuel over

and above calculated
as necessary for the flight,

a resumption of the orbit
with the station.

Therefore, you must proceed
exactly

according to your flight plan.

If you make this one all right,

we may give you a crack
at the first Moon landing.

[Intercom chimes]
-Briteis for 50 points.

-This is Lock 4, sir.
The Magellan is fueled

and ready according to plan.

Check-off list completed.
[Intercom chimes]

-Bill for 20 points.
-You blast off in 37 minutes.

It's yours, Colonel.

Man your ship.
Good luck.

-Or woman your ship,
as it were.

[Chuckles]

-Boy, walking on the walls
must be a big problem.

-Speed bump.

**

-Magellan to Lock 4,
all secured.

Shove off.
-Same to you, toots.

-Lock 4 to Magellan,
shoving off on count of 10.

-The technical term
of shoving off.

**

-Magellan to space control,
check starting coordinates.

Over.
-Your coordinates are Polaris

83 degrees, 62 minutes,
axis A,

Regulus, 180 degrees,
29 minutes, axis B, Vomohol...

-Glutimas maximus, radius,
meaningless dribble.

Over.

-Initiate cheesy
effects sequence.

-Roger that.
Initiating cheesy effects, Bill.

-Look, they're using
View-Master technology.

-Battery pack separating
from Frisbee.

**

-Look, the Grand Tetons.

-Swing slowly right
about 2 degrees,

nose south, 1 degree,
a little more down.

Hold it.

And...
-Perfect.

[Beeping]

**

-Steady.

Hold it.

-They're having the Indian
ceremony at the Grand Canyon.

-Rocketship Magellan
to space control.

We are now correctly aligned.

Over.

-You have 13 seconds
to blastoff.

Mark.

13, 12, 11, 10,

9, 8, 7...

-5.
-...6...

-9
-13.

-8
-...5, 4...

-7.
-...3...

-6.
-...2...

-5.
-...1.

-10.
-Fire.

-Wow.
Free game.

-Duracell away,
the copper-top shuttle.

-Oy!

**

-Bye.

Bon Voyage-y.

-Well, numbers are
really meaningless

in a gravity-o-meter.

-Initiate meaningless lights.

**

-And up it goes.

**

-But what is controlling
the ship now?

-As you can see by the lights
in the tape control,

the autopilot is keeping us
on our computer track

with the ship
in its proper attitude.

-I see.
-Ordinarily, the rocket jets

are controlled by the autopilot,

but the pilot
can always fire by hand.

Now, if I were to throw
this switch,

I would override the automatic
pilot, and the jets would fire.

-So?
But how would you guide it?

-Well, it's broken.
-Huh?

-Well, you can't exactly steer
a rocket

since there's nothing out there
to grab hold of.

You must first turn it
by the fly wheel,

and then it is held steady
by the gyroscopes

while you fire the jets.

-And the whole thing's
held up by string.

-Very interesting,
very interesting indeed.

Thank you very much.

-She always gets to look
in the View-Master.

These people are dressed
like camp counselors.

-Like this?
-That can't work now.

The copilot board is dead.

-Huh?
-I wouldn't touch it.

-I'm sorry.
-Think nothing of it, Doctor.

The Major doesn't like
for someone else

to play with his toys,
but that's enough now.

I'll give you
another lesson tomorrow.

-Oh, get that lady
a saucer of milk.

-Meow.

**

-I think we have the cameras
adjusted now.

They can run by themselves
for an hour or two.

-Doctor, you haven't set
the automatic trip yet.

-The automatic trip, yeah.
-How stupid of me.

-It's hard to take anyone
in a flannel skullcap seriously.

-I'd be glad to fix it.
-Oh, fine.

And while you're back at it,
I think I'll warm up the radio.

We'll be back
inside of Earth soon.

Maybe I can find out
how the World Series came out.

I suppose you're a Dodger
fan, huh?

-Do they play for the Fuhrer?

Oops.

-Oh, I, uh, I thought
you used to teach in Brooklyn.

-Well, that's right.
-Yeah.

I mean, uh, yes.
-I'll go below.

Um, you see
if you can raise Earth.

-If I could raise the Earth,

I wouldn't need to go
into space, you dolt.

-Hey, there's no safety rail
on that access hole.

-He's not real.

He just crawled
into the septic tank.

-Colonel.
Colonel, wake up!

-What is it, Bill?

-That guy, Wernher,
he's a phony.

-What?

Explain yourself.
-Mm.

-He knows too much
about rockets

and not enough
about photography.

I know more about his cameras
than he does.

-I think you're
imagining things.

-No. Wernher's a wiener.
-I am, am I?

He's supposed to be
from Brooklyn,

and he's never even heard
of the Dodgers.

Look, I don't know
what his game is.

Maybe it's sabotage.
-So...

-What's there to sabotage?
-The spy comes out of the hole,

runs around the control panel
and goes back down in.

-Major, I think
you're space-happy.

[Gasps and screams]

-Oh, my God!

-It's Hands Down,
the slap-happiest game ever.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

**

-I am not an animal.

-Got your nose.

**

-While Briteis relaxes
in the chaise lounge,

Jim will attempt to subdue
the angry spy.

**

-This is low-impact aerobics.

-It's low-impact
filmmaking too.

**

Higher and higher they climb
to heights

they've never been to before,
and it was good.

-Got to push button,
got to slow down our orbit now.

-Up, up, up.

-Got to find way to get button.

-Thanks goodness.
-Ugh!

-Nice tag.

**

**

-Honey, come here.

Look, the spy looks so cute
when he's sleeping.

-We've got to get out of here,
come on.

Looks like one of
your prom dates, Joel.

-Thanks a lot.

[Doors thud and creak]

[Doors whir]

[Doors thud and clank]

[Door slams]

-It's new.
-It's improved.

-It's SPACOM, as seen
in the movie

"Project Moon Base."
-Yes, SPACOM.

The miracle home product
you thought you'd never need.

-Part wood,
part industrial resin,

part pasteurized processed
cheese food product.

-That valuable China crack?
No problem.

Just a dab of SPACOM
will do the trick.

-Try SPACOM on an onion roll
for a real lunchtime treat.

-Takes care of rust
on that old jalopy,

and ladies will just love
how SPACOM removes

those nagging liver spots
and plantar's warts.

-Slice thin for a fabulous
roast substitute.

-Kids will just have a ball
with SPACOM.

-Change your mother
into a basketball

and drive our rodents
and other household pets.

-Include SPACOM in your
next oil change

to lubricate
and remove diaper rash

while it whitens your wash
and melts those pounds away.

-Make Polynesian cheese devils
with a little marshmallow cream,

a handful of crunchy fire ants
and lots of velvety SPACOM.

-Eskimos love the way SPACOM

takes the gum
out of diesel generators.

-Mom loves the way
it cleans jewelry.

-Dad loved the way
it takes the paint

off that old table
in the the attic.

-And kids just love it
for a snack any time.

-Massage it into your scalp
for a refreshing change of mind.

-Rub it into your chest

and feel the petroleum vapors
go to work.

-Not an aerosol, not a paste

and not available in any stores.
-It's SPACOM!

And it's available at this
one-time low,

low everyday bargain price.

-And if you order now,
you'll receive at no

extra charge
a year's supply of SPACOM.

-Cuts through this tomato
like it was a tin can.

-Snap those caps off jars,
bottles, and the baby.

-And, boy, does it catch fish.

**

**

-You can tell they're about
to land

'cause the music couldn't
get any lower, you know?

-The lunar explorer model sits
down on the Moon surface model.

-That's ones small step
for special effects,

one giant leap
for our imagination.

-That was great.

There was nothing fake
about that one.

-Oh, these shorts are binding.

-Like his contract.

-Briteis, get your shoes on,
honey.

We're at grandpa's.

He might even have a quarter
for you, honey.

-We made it, didn't we?

-Excuse me, space food,
dehydrated ice cream, you know.

-Are we still air-tight?
-I guess so.

The pressure is still up.

[Beeping]

-Care to tango?
-Bill, I muffed it.

What'll we do?

-Take it easy.

Come on.
-But you don't understand.

There isn't enough fuel left.

We can't take off.

-Whew.

-Sorry to have gone female
on you, Major.

I didn't mean
to take advantage of you.

-That's all right.

I'm feeling kind of
punchy myself.

-What do you think
we should do?

-You're asking my advice,
officially?

-Yes, officially.
-Let's start a life.

You and me and the devil
makes three.

-Well, in that case, I, uh,

I think you'd better
powder your nose.

-Oh, go soak your head.

-And while you're doing that,
I'm going to get rid of him.

-What are you gonna do with him?

-Well, thought
I'd dress him like us.

That's pretty degrading.

-Well, I, uh, I could shove him
through the air lock,

but instead, I think I'll tie
him up in the store room.

I've got an idea about him
for later on.

-Yeah.
-What is it?

-Don't worry.
It'll be rough.

-Ooh, that one set off
the fire alarm.

-Now, we got more important
things to worry about,

how much food there is,
how much water, how much air...

-How much love.

-...and which one
runs out first.

-Oh, Bill.
They'll rescue us.

Certainly, they will.

-How?
How will they find us?

We've been out
of radio communication

ever since we went
around behind the Moon.

-Should've left a trail
of bread crumbs.

-We probably landed
out of sight of Earth.

-Might as well be on Neptune.
-Come on, little fella,

or you're gonna get bed sores.

-Slide, please.

Uh, this is us
at the Grand Canyon.

We got sore on those burros.

This is Glacier National Park

where little Bobby
turned his ankle.

We had to go back down early.

This is Space Mountain
at Disney World.

You know, Bobby lost his
corn dog over on the Matterhorn.

Am I boring you with this stuff?

-No, not at all.
-Oh.

**

Hey, look, a walk-in trash can.

-What a way to go.

**

-Bill, what can we do?

-First, let's find out
where we are.

-All right.
I'll take the Colestat,

and as soon as I have a fix,

you can feed tape
into the computer.

-Okay.
-Mm-hmm.

-Meanwhile, back
at Frisbee four.

-What's a Frisbee for?

-A report from the Magellan,
sir.

She is now exactly 18 minutes,
14 seconds overdue.

-That major must have
done something.

Why, they couldn't be even
40 seconds overdue

if they were in their orbit.

They've been interfered
with in some way or another.

Order a continuous
radar surveillance

of all their area
in their emerging sector

and keep an operator on that
radio until we hear from them.

-I'll stay here
and bark out orders.

**

-Where are we located?

-Well, according
to my calculations,

we're about 125 miles
past the crater Grimaldi...

-We're centrally located
just up the Slauson Cutoff.

-...approximately 11 miles
from the furthest position

in which we could beam a signal
to the satellite station.

-And two doors down from
the Subway sandwich shop.

-Bill, could you possibility
rig a relay for us

on one of those mountain peaks
in that direction?

-I don't know.

Our oxygen tanks
on our space suits

only carry a 4-hour supply.

-We could do a show.
My dad has a barn.

-...so it wouldn't be too
difficult if I can make it.

-Oh, Bill, you must.

You must!

-There's only one way
I can do it.

I'll have to go down and get
Wernher and take him with me.

**

-TV sets.
-Tons of them.

-Wow.
-Wernher, get up.

We've landed on the Moon.

Since we're beyond radio reach
of the Earth,

I have to go out
and set up a relay.

-Have fun.
-And you're coming with me.

Our lives depend upon us
doing this...

-Set up a relay with two guys,
it doesn't make sense.

It's not worth it.

-It's a gamble whether or not
we'll ever make it.

-Bet you a C-note we die.

-All right.
I'm with you.

I wouldn't have done this
if I hadn't been forced into it.

Let's go.
-Now, remember, one false move,

and you get this.
-Wow.

Cool.
Can I keep it?

-Well, your wrists
didn't grow together.

I was wrong.

**

-Uh, uh, this is the way
the first Wallenda died.

**

-Bill is sporting
a light cotton

jumper pleated at the knees

and is carrying a set
of rabbit ears.

-Notice the rich styling
on his rabbit ears.

Very futuristic.

While the turncoat --
while the turncoat, thank you,

enjoys a spandex sport suit

fashionable for either work,
play, or sabotage.

-From Moonflex, $150.

-Hmm.

**

**

-Wish us luck, Colonel.

-Good luck, Bill.
Happy landing.

-Didn't they already land?

-Suckers.

-[Laughs]

**

-Bill, do you read me?

Come in, Bill.
-Wow.

That's where my old school
used to be.

You know, all those hills
weren't there before.

-I'll call you back
in about 2 hours.

-Okay, but Mom
is calling later.

So if it's busy, keep trying.

-They look like salt
and pepper shakers.

-Hey, uh, Bub,
I'll give you a nickel

if you scale that cliff,
and I'll show you my sore toe.

-Cliff diving on the Moon.

-Their heads look
like bell jars.

-Come on. Be a man.
Get up that rock.

You're one-sixth
your own weight.

Come on, you wuss.

Beat cheeks.

I can believe what a spaz
you are, now come on.

If you don't get your butt up on
that rock on the count of three,

I'm going to hurt
your insides, boy.

That's right.

**

-Night of a thousand stars.

**

-Wow.
That ship is only 3 feet away.

It looks like a model from here.

Well, it is.

-Well, now, at least
we'll be able to get HBO.

-Briteis, we have established
the relay station,

and we're returning
to the ship now.

Our oxygen reserve may not
be enough to carry us back.

If, uh, if we don't make it,
good luck and God bless you.

-I'm sorry, uh, what?

I wasn't listening.

**

-Be very careful going down.

Those rocks can be
very, very slippery.

-Oh, come on.
What could happen?

We're one-sixth our own weight.

Nothing could -- Oh!

Ohhh!

Ugh! Right in the butt.

-Hey, quit fooling
around down there.

-Nice half-gainer.

-Oh, rats.
Now, I got to drag him back.

-I'm half traitor now.
-Half traitor?

-Bill!
Come in, Bill!

**

-What?
Sleeping on the job again, huh?

-Looks like we got another
fish tank for the ship.

Oh, I hate when that happens,
poor guy.

**

**

-By this time, my lungs
were aching for air.

-Isn't that a line
from "Sea Hunt"?

-Yeah.
-You must!

-Get back to where you once
belonged, Jojo.

-Well, I didn't mean
to hurt anybody.

We were just playing.

Mom says sometimes
I play too rough.

I'm probably a lot bigger
than the other kids are,

and, well,

I was just goofing off,
and now, I guess he's dead.

I was playing, and it wasn't
really my fault.

I feel like such a jerk.

I never really killed
anybody before.

Geez.
Oh, I don't know.

I just got to learn to be around
with the other kids.

I spend a lot of time
with my books in my room and --

Oh, I don't know.
I'm just no good.

I-I don't even deserve
to eat supper tonight.

-Briteis.

I was just barely able
to make it.

-Hey, this is no time
to make dust angels.

Get up!
-Let --

Let down the hoist bar.

-Hey, pretend your legs
don't work.

That's cool.
Yeah.

That's fun.

-Briteis.
I'm so cold.

I'm so cold.

-Well, you're not that bad
of a guy.

you've got your warm moments.

**

-[Humming]

-[Whistling]

-[Humming circus music]

In the center ring for your
pleasure and excitement,

the only aerial act
on the Moon.

Come one, come all!

-It's a G.I. Joe action set.

Comes with Moon Man, Space Pod,
and detachable retinas.

-Head and legs sold separately.

-By Blamo.
-Magellan to SPACOM.

Magellan to SPACOM.

Come in, please.

-WMOON TV has canceled
its broadcast day.

We will resume programming
at 7:00 a.m.

And now, our national anthem.

-Magellan to SPACOM.

Magellan to SPACOM.

Come in, please.

-Could you make it work?
-I'm afraid not, Bill.

I've been trying for 5 hours,
and nothing's happened.

-Maybe we should've pointed
that antennae towards Earth.

-...switch isn't on?

-Should it be?
-Yes.

I hooked our emergency relay
to tie in

with the poor
television monitor.

Press number three
on your board.

-No, not that channel three.
-That's right.

-SPACOM to Magellan.
We read you.

-I should've came to
consciousness a lot sooner.

It would've saved us
a lot of trouble.

-Good.
SPACOM to Magellan.

-Took you so long to reach him
from the other room.

-Colonel Briteis,
will you please

get Dr. Wernher
out of the cabin?

I have a classified message
for you.

Scramble code Y, couple three.

-He's not in the cabin, sir.

-Are you sure that
he can't hear me?

-Quite sure, sir.
-Colonel, listen carefully.

Make him a prisoner at once.

Take him alive if you can,
but don't take any chances.

-It's a little too late
on that alive thing, sir.

-He isn't Dr. Wernher.
He's a spy.

He plans to take control
of the Magellan and crash

it into the space station.

The FBI have just rescued
the real Dr. Wernher.

-Yes, sir. We know.
-Repeat?

-Dr. Wernher is dead.

You see, he did try to take
over the ship,

and Major Moore stopped him,

but in the struggle,
the jets were fired,

and I found it necessary
to land on the Moon.

-You what?

-Repeat!
You did what?

-We had to land on the Moon.

-D'oh!

-Commodore, get me channeled
to the pentagon immediately.

The Magellan has just landed
on the Moon.

Colonel, report your present
situation in detail.

-Yes, sir.
Landed on Luna approximately

125 miles
back of crater Grimaldi

and approximately 10 miles
beyond the terminator.

-There's a Howard Johnson's
at the interchange,

and we passed a Stuckey's.
-Anybody hurt?

-Only fatality, Dr. Wernher.

He died during
the establishment of the radio

relay 11 miles
from our present position.

This relay is the means to which

we've established
contact with you.

-Are you in any
immediate danger?

-No, sir.

-Well, the boredom is
getting pretty relentless.

-I'll, uh, I'll call you
in exactly 60 minutes.

**

**

-SPACOM to Magellan.
General Greene speaking.

-You know, you're wasting
your life in front of that TV.

-Magellan to SPACOM.

Yes, General?
Moore speaking.

Colonel Briteis
standing by, sir.

-Good.
Now pay attention, Bill.

Now that you two are
on the Moon, stay there.

Do you understand?
-That's easy.

-Yes, sir. But I --

-Pay attention
and don't interrupt.

The joint chiefs have conferred
with the President,

and it has been decided
to change your mission.

You are now Moon
Base Number One.

-Oh, great.
-You will remain where you are

and show the flag at such time

that you can be relieved by
a larger, permanent follow-up.

-Show the flag to who?
-In the meantime,

ration your water, food and air
to last at least 10 days.

That's within safe limits
based on what you have.

We'll undertake to get
more supplies over to you

in that time.

Colonel, you've had
drone pilot experience.

Bill, can you breadboard
your ship's radio equipment

to permit it to jockey
supply rockets down?

-Well, we don't have
anything better to do.

-I guess so, sir.
I better be able to.

-I'll have one of the electron-
pushing boys advise you on it.

I know it can be done.
They've already told me so.

-Oh, ho, la, di, da.
-That will be all now,

Moon Base Number One,
but don't go away, Bill.

Oh, Colonel, I have a classified
message for Major Moore only.

Would you be so kind as
to go aft and close the hatch?

-Huh?

-You heard what he said,
down below.

-Very well, sir, if you say so.
-She can just put her

hands over her ears and go,

"La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la."

[Beeping]

-Oh, Bill, scramble code E,
combo two.

-Yes, sir.

Over and out on clear.

Standing by on scramble.

-Can you read me, Bill?
-Yes, sir.

-Take off your rank, son.

This is man to man.
-Mano a mano.

-Spill it.

-How is it with you
and Briteis?

You still sore on her?

-No, uh...

-Good thing she went below,
you know?

-Seems to me you used
to be pretty

sweet on her way back when.
-Ah, nice kid.

Kind of nosy, though.
-Tell me the truth, Bill.

I've got to know.

Could it be that
you're still sweet on her?

Tell me the truth,
or don't answer at all.

-He's not Dr. Bellow.

He's Dr. Chuck Woolery.

-Matthew, what are
you driving at?

-No, no.
Don't get shirty, son.

I don't like prying
into your affairs

any more than you like it.

But I've just been talking
with the White House.

The president thinks,
and so do I.

-The president thinks?
That's something new.

-You're gonna be shut up
in that tin can

with a pretty young woman
for weeks, maybe months.

Public opinion being what it is,
it'd be a lot better

for everyone, for the country,
for the service,

and for you
if you two were married.

-What are you saying?
I'm no rabbit.

-Just think it over, boy.

I can't give you an order
on this, but, uh, think it over.

-Listen, Papi, she wouldn't
have me on a silver platter.

-How about in a tin can?
-Are you sure?

-How about an air mattress
slathered with butter?

-Maybe you haven't gone
about it right.

-Sorry.
-But you don't understand.

She, uh, she has no use for me.
-Have you tried asking her?

-Man, never thought of that.
-May I come up now?

It's lonely down here.
-Oh, sure.

I was just gonna tell you
that the General was through.

-And so are
my wild bachelor days.

-What did he say?

-Well, uh, oh...
-Say it.

-Ask her.
-Go on.

-Go on.
-...nothing.

-Come on, ask her.
-Don't be a pansy.

-Do it.
-Colonel Briteis?

-Yes, Bill?
-Ask her.

-Ask her.
-Say it.

-Go, go, go, go, go, go.

-I was wondering
if you could, uh...

-Could what, Bill?
-Ask her.

-Well, uh, I mean,
could you...

-Yes, yes?

-Oh, Jiminy.
-Oh, skip it.

-We'll take it up later.
-Ugh!

-No!
Bonehead.

**

**

-Oh, they must have to watch

marital-aid tapes
now or something.

**

-What is that?

-This looks like an early
version of "Pong."

[Beeping]

**

**

Kind of redundant, huh?

-Yeah.

[Beeping]

**

-Oh, that's no fun at all.

Oh, no fun at all.

Look.
It fell right over.

-Crashed, is more like it.
-Bill, it's landed.

-Yeah.

I'll go out and see
what's in it.

-It's the minister.

**

-Sort of like
an interstellar dunk tank.

-Oh, the Wells Fargo racket
is coming down the street.

-He's called for
the breaking fastball.

**

-I got a rocket full of stuff,
and I'm gonna go get it.

Yes, yes, yes.

-Over this way, come here.

Right down in here.
-Now, remember.

Never attempt to remove the bees

from the hive
without proper protective gear.

-Hey, it looks like a V-2.

-Yeah, he could have had
a V -- I'm sorry.

No.
-Thanks.

**

And it's filled with cat food!

This rocket was supposed to go
to the Cat-Women of the Moon!

-Well, let's see
what we got here --

one .45-caliber handgun,

four clips of ammunition,
$100 in gold coins,

two packages of chewing gum,
two issue prophylactic. Shoot.

A guy could have a pretty good
time in Vegas with this stuff.

-No butter?

**

**

-They all say, "Occupant."

-No expense was spared

in spraying
these cardboard boxes gold.

-Bills, bills, bills.

-Bill, did they send
everything we need?

-Briteis, it's Christmas!
-They're all bills.

Oh, wait. That's me.

**

-Lots and lots of SPACOM.
-[Squeaking]

Hey, it's a giant
Rubik's cube.

-I love the smell of SPACOM
in the morning.

It smells like chicory.

-If you can solve this puzzle,
you can get married.

And then try
to solve that puzzle.

-Moon base to SPACOM,
come in, please.

-SPACOM to lunar base.

-I want to talk to General
Greene on a secure channel.

Colonel Briteis speaking.
-Yes, ma'am.

Scramble code F, combo one.

-Adam and Eve on a raft.
-What is it, Briteis?

Any trouble?
-No, not at this moment.

-Only with the invitations,
but we got them out in time.

-But, you know, we promised
to do something.

-Yes, and a good thing, too.

What about it?

-Well, if you expect me
to go through with it,

there's something
you've got to do for me.

-No, I'm not gonna emcee
your wedding.

-Well, at this point,

you can just about write
your own ticket, if I can do it.

What is it, kid?

-Psst, psst, psst, psst.
-Well, it's this.

-Dearly beloved,
we are gathered

together here
in the sight of God...

-He's in rented shorts.
-...to join this man

and this woman
in the holy bonds of matrimony.

-And that's the T-shirt her mom
got married in.

-Do you take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife,

to have and to hold, to love
and to cherish in sickness

and in health,
till death do you part?

-I do.
-Do you take this man to be

your lawfully wedded husband,
to have and to hold,

to love, honor and obey
in sickness and in health,

till death do you part?

-Or until the oxygen
wears out.

-Who giveth this woman?

-I give this woman.

-You have no right
to give that woman.

-Take her left hand.

Place the ring upon her finger.

**

-Where'd he get the ring?
-By the power vested in me,

I pronounce you man and wife.

-Well, you're a notary public.

-Mm, Juicy Fruit!

-Don't go away, kids.

The President of the United
States wants to speak to you.

-Hmm, I wonder
what we'll have to say.

-Huh?
-Huh?

-Major Moore, can you hear me?
-No, no, no.

Put the President on,
not his wife.

-Yes, ma'am.
-I have a wedding present

for you from the people
of the United States.

On my recommendation...
-It's Dr. Ruth.

-Hello, you're on the air.
-Can't see.

-...to the rank
of Brigadier General...

-Now I can.
-...United States Space Force.

You will consider yourself
detached from USS Magellan.

-It's very healthy to be

in a capsule
together with your friends.

-...US Moon Base Number One,
to guard and protect it

for the benefit
of all the free peoples of...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speed it up.

We got some things
we want to get to.

-Yeah, we got lives.
-And a life to lead.

**

-Here, honey. I got you this
poison throwing star.

-You like your wedding
present, dear?

-I didn't get you anything.

-What?!
-Boo!

-That's it?
-Boo!

-Oh, wow.
-That was great.

-The worst!
-Oh, pathetic!

**

**

[Doors thud and creak]

[Doors whir]

[Doors thud and clank]

[Door slams]

-Oh, we finally got
through that one.

Hey, thanks, everybody,
for your cards and letters.

They really help
pull us through.

-Yeah. We thought the Lord
was gonna call Joel home

until we got this card.
-Yeah.

Cambot, could we show
a picture of this one?

Crow, you want to read
that one, buddy?

-Yeah.
It says, "Please send us

information
on the 'MST 3000' fan club.

We enjoy it very much.
Thanks.

Happy holidays
from the both of us."

Whoa!
Look at these Swedes!

Whoa!
-Yeah.

You know how they say
when people get married,

they start looking alike?

These two have been together
a long time.

-My turn, my turn!
-Okay, let her go,

uh, Mr. Tom Servo, there.

-Right you are, Slappy.

This one comes from
a Jeff Conrad

in Bloomington, Minnesota.

"Greetings. I've been
a long-time fan of

'Mystery Science Theater 3000.'
A group of friends

and I watch it
every week on videotape.

Hey, tell me.
Will the new shows be in color

or all in black and white?
Sincerely, Jeff Conrad."

-Well, and we got this last one
here from fabulous Hawaii.

-Ooh!
-Yep, and it says...

-Ahh!
-..."Dear sirs,

I'd like to join your fan club.

Please send me information,
membership cards,

large sums of money."
Very funny.

That's from Sam Litzinger
from Honolulu.

-Aloha.
-Yeah.

Tom Servo, why don't you read

that information
for the people on Earth?

-Put it up there, Cambot.
Give it to me

one time on the CG,
Helvetica bold.

Will ya? All right.

The "Mystery Science Theater
3000" fan club,

PO box 5325,
Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343.

Send your cards
and letters quickly.

-All right. I guess that ends
the experiment, sirs.

Uh, when are we gonna
get some color movies?

-Color? You want color,
talk to Ted Turner.

Here, file this.
-Consider it filed.

-Well, hasta luego for now,
my little spud bunny.

[Beep]

**

**

**

**

**

**

**