Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 2, Episode 11 - Moon Zero Two - full transcript

♫ In the not-too-distant future

♫ Next Sunday A.D.

♫ There was a guy named Joel

♫ Not too different from you or me

♫ He worked at Gizmonic Institute

♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuit

♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place

♫ But his bosses didn't like
him so they shot him into space

♫ We'll send him cheesy movies

♫ The worst we can find, la la la

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ We'll monitor his mind, la la la

♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control

♫ Where the movies begin or end, la la la

♫ Because he used those special parts

♫ To make his robot friends

♫ Robot Roll Call

♫ Cambot, pan left

♫ Gypsy, hi girl

♫ Tom Servo, what a cool guy

♫ Crow, oh, wisecracker

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ And other science facts, la la la

♫ Then repeat to
yourself, it's just a show

♫ I should really just relax

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

(thumps)

- [Voiceover] 30 seconds to.--

- Hi, everybody, welcome
to the Satellite of Love.

My name's Joel.

I'm still marooned out in space,

and if you just tuned
in, I guess so are you.

We're expecting a call from the nasties

who shot us up here any second now.

By the way, if you're going
to go during the commercial

and make a snack, while you're
digging in the refrigerator,

think of me.

Get something delicious and nutritious,

because I'll be eating
vicariously through you.

- [Voiceover] Commercial sign
in five, four, three, two,

commercial sign now.

(bangs)

- Be right back, okay.

("MST3K theme music")

- [Tom] Put it through the hoop, Joel.

- [Cambot] Yeah, cool.

- Oop, try not look so happy, you guys.

Here comes the Mad
Scientists, they're calling.

- Come in, Joel, my little
free-floating vacuum monkey.

- Hey sirs, what's up?

- Well, not my hair.

It's limp and lifeless.

I don't know what to do.

Just get on with the invention exchange.

Stop looking at me.

- Yes, what have you
got for us, Joelarini?

- Well, sirs, the things
that I've been working on

is this new way of teleporting food.

In the future, they're
not gonna have drive-thru

windows anymore, they'll
have drive-by windows.

You just drive your car by
and they teleport the food

right in your stomach
using something like this.

Okay, I put this on, look
at an ordinary cookie, and

(crunching)

oh, delicious, mm mm.

Now, here we'll try it
with a glass of milk.

This is the big Slurpee
size, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

- [Crow] Hey.

(slurping)

- It went down.

- Mm mm, teleportation.

What do you think, sirs?

- Oh, very nice, Joely-cakes.

Larry, make a note to call James Doohan.

- Oh, here's our new development.

An entirely new concept in oral hygiene.

- Yes, we've employed some
of Hollywood's top stars

to help us with our new
mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpaste.

- Feel the cleaning power of
the stars' internal juices

as they go to work on plaque

and tartar buildup in your mouth.

Here's Jack Nicholson from
"Witches of Eastwick."

Blaa.

- Mr. Creosote from Monty
Python's "The Meaning of Life".

Somebody get a bucket, I'm gonna throw up.

- And Linda Blair with real
real head-cranking action.

Your mother flosses in hell, aah.

- Well, what do you think Joelery.

- Well, I think four out of five dentists

are gonna recommend
psychotherapy for you two.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Well, Joel, your film today
is called "Moon Zero Two".

It's a late 60's romp
through the then lunar-crazed

consciousness of America.

- And believe me, it doesn't
stand up to the test of time.

(laughs)

- Stew on the broth of
this one, lumpy boy.

- Enjoy.

(buzzing)

- Oh, we in movie set, ho.

(whirring)

("Moon Zero Two" by Julie Driscoll)

- [Joel] Hey, it's in color.

- [Tom] Yeah.

- [Joel] Really bad music, already.

This is great.

- [Crow] Hey hey, the cartoon has landed.

- [Tom] Is this a Pink Panther movie?

- [Joel] No, I think it's
like NASA simulation,

kind of like.

- [Tom] Why would they use cartoons?

- [Joel] So, astronauts
could understand them.

♫ Go find the world you're seekin'

♫ Where stars are new in the makin'

♫ It's time to fly, deep
space is calling you ♫

- [Crow] Hey, I didn't know
the Russians had cartoons.

♫ Go far, go wild, go lonely

♫ New worlds are there for the takin'

♫ I'm set to go, let's travel♫

- [Joel] Is this Petula Clark singing?

♫ Just we two ♫

- [Crow] Peculiar Clark?

- [Joel] Petula.

♫ This day will be all right ♫

- [Tom] Petals by Mrs.
Reedy's third grade.

♫ I know we'll see our light

♫ To be where we

♫ can be free at last ♫

- [Joel] Watch this, you guys,I got moves.

♫ You can take me soon♫

- [Tom] Hey, he's on the other side.

- [Crow] He's where you were.

- [Tom] Circle the Moon.

- [Tom] Exactly, good.

- [Crow] Rock it, Joel.

- [Tom] You look like
Goldie Hawn on "Laugh-In".

- [Crow] Except for the hair.

- [Tom] And the body.

♫ Every place looks 'bout the same ♫

- [Crow] Hey, it's 60's Glass Nose.

♫ Cold is breaking up

♫ I'm hard as stone again

♫ Emptiness is all I'm feeling ♫

- [Tom] Let's Old Glory this. (groans)

- [Crow] Aw.

♫ Clocks are slow

♫ On the Moon where I'm livin'

♫ Need some help to make me go ♫

- [Joel] What'd ya think, guys.

- [Crow] We'll let you know.

♫ I could use a kind of lovin'

♫ Could give someone loving room ♫

- [Tom] Oh, look at that.

He's beating the titles out of them.

♫ Stand aside of me

♫ In orbit, hold on
tight and we shall ride

♫ Moon Zero Two

♫ Oh, take me soon ♫

- [Tom] You sat on your
teleporter thing, Joel

- [Joel] Yeah, I'm gonna do
a thing where I put this on

and eat popcorn that's in the galley.

♫ We'll love the world we land on

♫ And love is what we're makin' ♫

- [Crow] Hey, great cloud.

No atmosphere.

- [Tom] I don't believe there's
a cover charge on the Moon.

♫ Love the dry life ♫

- [Joel] They're rioting the Moon.

No atmosphere, no atmosphere.

Is the whole movie like this, you guys?

- [Crow] Oh, I hope not.

I don't think I can take
two hours of this song.

- [Tom] They're trashed.

- [Crow] Cartoon's cool, though.

- [Tom] Are those the Blue Beaties?

No, that'd be wrong, Paul.

A little hole in me pocket.

Hey, it's Donald Trump.

He's chasing the good guys away.

Doesn't make sense.

- [Crow] It makes perfect sense.

("Moon Zero Two" by Julie Driscoll)

- [Crow] Hey look, it's the film.

♫ Moon Zero Two

♫ Moon Zero Two ♫

- [Tom] Whoa.

- [Joel] Houston, I just
spotted an animated cartoon

on the surface of the Moon, come in.

(eerie orchestral music)

- [Tom] Looks like
they're shooting this out

of the back of a van.

- [Joel] That's a renegade
air conditioning unit.

- [Crow] It's an orbiting garden weasel.

And an orbiting space ferret. (laughs)

Space ferret, get it?

- [Joel] He's going out
to his space gazebo.

- [Tom] It must be cold.

(eerie orchestral music)

- [Joel] This thing is huge.

- [Crow] Huh?

- [Tom] It looks like a
little orbiting ice machine.

- [Crow] Houston, our central air is here,

but they didn't send the duct work, over.

- [Joel] Boy, I hope it's under warranty.

There's a pretty big hole in that thing.

- [Tom] He's got the
Nintendo power glove there.

- [Crow] Oh, they put
the danger warning light

right on the middle of his back.

- [Tom] Space is a gamble.

- [Joel] Darn those space coons,

they got into the garbage again.

Honey, we're getting
those Rubbermaid cans.

This isn't gonna happen again.

I'm not goin' in for this.

- [Joel] Boy, it's really
quiet in space, isn't it?

- [Crow] Yeah.

- [Tom] Except for the
distant sounds of trumpets.

- [Joel] Maynard Ferguson's
out there somewhere.

- [Crow] So, was it the raccoons, honey?

(relaxed conga music)

- [Crow] Sorta seems like
a waste of cargo space

to bring along a conga band.

- [Joel] Darn coons in my
rickin' frackin'. (mumbles)

(relaxed conga music)

- [Tom] Oh, he's got VPL in a bad way.

- [Crow] Why don't we ever talk any more?

- [Joel] Hey, were you
messin' with my stereo?

The treble's all thrown off here.

(relaxed conga music)

- [Tom] Silence.

- [Crow] Let's go back
and look at the Moon.

Maybe they're showing the feature now.

- [Bill] Moon Zero Two
calling Moon Control.

- [Voiceover] Moon Zero
Two, this is Moon Control.

- [Bill] Zero Two to Moon Control.

- [Tom] Moon control to Major Tom.

- [Bill] Two minutes from outer approach,

request landing instructions.

- [Tom] He's got Playtex
living elbows, look at that.

- [Voiceover] We are one, five, seven.

Decelerate at 1.8G.

- [Bill] Zero Two,
understand one, five, seven

and 1.8G, over.

- [Voiceover] Snap it up, Zero Two.

This is PanAm Moon Express
and we're just 10 minutes out.

- That is your hard luck, Moon Express.

First come, first down.

And you are an hour behind schedule.

- [Crow] Hey, he flipped him off.

- [Tom] We're gonna have
to jettison your mustache,

you realize.

- He we go then.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

- [Tom] Hey look, there
is a man in the Moon.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

- SpaceWay announces
the arrival of flight.--

- [Crow] There's a
space blue-light special

on quadrant B9.

- If you're Moon Zero Two,
I wish you'd sell that thing

along with all the other
space rubbish you collect.

- [Tom] Don't say hi.

- I don't think I caught the name.

- I'm the second officer
of the Moon Express.

You delayed us for nearly two minutes.

- If you took off on time,
you might land on time.

- I don't see that my.

- I though you were seeing our
passengers through customs.

- I was just telling this man.

- You can't tell this man
anything about anything.

- [Crow] But feel free
to tell him something

about nothing or a little about a lot.

- [Joel] You'll have to excuse my friend.

He's kind of a weenie.

- Thank God not all of them make it.

Dan, get this over to the scrapyard.

Oh, with your permission.

And don't take anything less

than 12,000 Moon dollars for it.

- I'll try.

- I've just got time for a shower.

- I wanna talk to you, though.

- Go ahead.

- My name is Taplin.

- Please, turn and face
immigration identification

computer, please.

- [Crow] I'm here for the Gumby wedding.

- [Tom] Test your love.

Flaming, great.

- Is there a message for me.

- Message desk's over there.

- Thank you.

- Good evening, Mr. Hubbard.

- [Crow] Wow, it's Castro.

- I'm sorry Mr. Hubbard.

I hope you enjoyed your trip, sir.

- No more or less than 100
other trips I've taken.

- [Crow] Where's the Armor All?

- [Bill] That's a nifty little charmer.

- J.J. Hubbard?

- So, that's 100% Hubbard.

Is he always like that?

- Yes, sir, to the likes of us.

- [Tom] Sometimes he's 50%.

- What does he want up here?

- Oh, I don't know.

- [Tim] Are you getting shorter, Bill?

- If it was mine he could have it.

Cheap.

- Listen, I was talking to
personnel back at Earth Base.

(whooshing)

And he'd like you back
in the corporation, Bill.

- Are they starting
exploration flights again?

- No.

- [Crow] No, sorting boxes.

- When they outfit the
first flight to Mercury,

tell them to call me.

- Come on Bill, you know
the answer to that one.

- [Tom] They don't have your number.

It's not listed.

- To line the rocket ships
for journeys like that.

We've got regular flights
to Mars and Venus.

What more do you want?

- I'm not going back into the corporation.

- [Joel] Did he get that shirt
at a Molly Hatchet concert?

- Not a mechanically minded wet nurse.

- Thank you very much.

(coughing)

someone has to be a passenger pilot.

- What's that you say?

- I said, "Someone has
to be a passenger pilot."

- Can't hear ya.

- Forget it.

- [Crow] I'll go get the
rest of your shower door.

- [Tom] Hey, Thumblina.

- Sorry miss, this area's
out-of-bounds to passengers.

- I'm looking for Mr.

- [Tom] Goodbar?

- Captain Kemp.

- Oh, well, he's in there.

He's doing something just at the moment.

But he won't be long.

- [Crow] Hey, your calculator's on.

- [Joel] Oh boy, is she ever gonna.

- [Tom] Hey, what are you looking at?

Whoops.

- What are you doing here?

- I was looking for Captain Kemp.

- This place is reserved
for space personnel only.

- I'm sorry.

Are you Captain Kemp?

- Will you go away?

- [Crow] Look at my stripes.

Of course, I'm Captain Kemp.

- No!

- [Voiceover] Monorail
to Moon City will depart

in seven minutes.

(whistling)

- [Tom] Oh, hi Gumby.

- Otto, Otto was killed?

- A couple of days ago.

- [Tom] Yeah, we're dedicating
the locker room to him.

- Retro engines failed on
landing, that's what I heard.

Went straight in, crunch.

- [Bill] They ought to
put that thing outside

where people could read it.

- Passengers wouldn't like it.

It would worry them.

- [Crow] Yeah, but to make
it splash guard for a urinal.

- Did you get the 12,000?

- [Joel] Here, I don't need it.

I already have Pete Rose.

- Hey, he flew the same sort
of space ferry you've got,

didn't he?

- Mm hmm, his was a little
bit older, that's all.

- [Tom] A little bit wiser,
something to think about.

(gun fires)

- [Crow] They dressed their
stewardesses like Nazis.

- We're leaving right away Mr. Hubbard.

Magazine?

- [Tom] Yes, it is.

- Cocktail?

Beer, sir?

- He doesn't drink and he can't read.

- [Joel] But he still has feelings, geez.

They're so rich, they go to movies

and they don't even watch 'em.

- Janie.

- Hello, Bill.

- You look great.

- [Crow] When'd you join the guard?

Right after I turned in
the Von Trapp family.

- They know me on the inside though.

- Got a seat?

- One up front for the Captain.

This is Captain Kemp, Miss Taplin.

- [Clem] You said.

- I'm always at a disadvantage

when I haven't got any clothes on.

- I never noticed it.

- Well, why did you wanna see me?

- [Tom] You think I look like a zucchini?

- [Crow] She looks like Darth Vader.

- Told me you'd fly over
to Far Side, occasionally.

- Mm hmm.

- I wondered if you know my brother.

- [Tom] Gary Larson.

- Wally Taplin, he's a miner.

- No, no I don't think I know him.

- He was supposed to meet
me at the space port.

- He's probably waiting at Moon City.

- That's what the man said.

- [Joel] Don't you listen
to what the man says.

- Your first time up here?

- Yes.

- [Tom] That would explain the stupid hat.

- I suggest you look up front.

- [Tom] While I check out the rear.

- [Clem] My God, it's so bleak.

- [Bill] No air, no
vegetation, 1/6 gravity.

- [Crow] Yeah, but on the good side,

there's no Howie Mandell.

- 14 days and nights.

I suppose bleak is as good
a way as any to describe it.

- [Joel] Yeah, and everybody
gets their own movie.

- We always will be.

- [Crow] Some are more foreign
than others, Velvet-head.

- Perhaps, we should never have come.

- [Tom] In the future,
bras will grow on the Moon.

Cross my heart.

- [Crow] Hey, it's the
original Space Mountain.

What'd ya know?

And look, the line's still long.

- The monument there is
where Neil Armstrong landed

by in 1969.

- [Joel] Of course, that's just a model.

The real thing's a lot bigger.

- And the ice mines.

- The what?

- Ice mines.

There are layers of ice a mile down,

melt it into water and you drink it.

Break it into oxygen, we breathe it.

- [Crow] Crush it and flavor
it, you got a Slurpee.

- [Tom] And D-cups as
far as the eye can see.

- And when they die we eat them.

There is nothing like it anywhere else.

- It's funny to think that
we've no air out there.

Nobody can just open up a window.

- [Joel] Oh, we've done that,

but you just have to be really fast.

- Captain Kemp, I'm afraid
that we have no reservation

in the name of Mr. Wallace Taplin,

nor have we any messages for
a Miss Clementine Taplin.

- [Crow] Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Don't you have to go
make some Elfin cookies?

(laughs)

- [Tom] She looks like an Oompa Loompa.

- Oh, it could be he's just late.

The monorail doesn't go
any farther than Moon City,

so he'd be coming by Bug.

- Bug.

- It's a way to get around up here.

They run convoys of them over to Far Side.

- [Tom] It's like a Moon base.

- [Crow] Vroom, vroom.

- Where's his claim.

- Spectacle Crater.

- [Crow] Well, the water's
turned off on the fountain,

so I can show you where
he is here, right there.

- The nearest base is Far Side 5.

Now, that's at least
2,000 miles to Moon City.

Six days by convoy.

- That means it takes longer

to get from one side of
the Moon to the other.

- [Joel] Ah no, but thanks for playing.

- That's right.

- What about your spaceship?

- Ferry, it's only a Moon ferry.

- [Tom] At least he's open about it.

- We'll have to do it in 20 minutes.

- [Crow] That's because
this is the future.

- But I can send a radio message, can't I?

To see if he's left.

- Oh, and no.

Well, you could've last week.

You see, we use a ring of
communication satellites

for relaying waves around the curve,

but one was hit by a meteorite.

So, we're out of touch
with Far Side, right now.

- The 21st century.

- It'll still be the same in the 25th.

- I suppose so.

- [Joel] We're almost walking off the set.

Would you mind going the other way?

- Splurge out, buy yourself a new outfit.

You'll feel better.

- [Joel] Oh, we better
get out of here, too.

We're walking off the set.

- Can I help you?

(thumps)

- On July 22, 1969, a man first set foot

on the surface of the Moon.

His name, Vince Lombardi. (laughs)

It's Neil Armstrong.

This is our tribute to
astronaut Armstrong,

and the men who brought him to the Moon.

Crow will play the part of Neil Armstrong.

- That's one small step for man,

- Save it!

- What? Oh.

Sorry.

- Joel will play the part of
the second man on the Moon,

Edwin Buzz Aldrin and
President John F. Kennedy.

I'll play the part of Mission Control

and astronaut, Michael
Collins orbiting the Moon.

- [Joel] Okay.

- Ready? Okay, cue Joel.

- [Joel] Ask not what your
country can do for you,

rather what you can do for your country.

- It was 1962, and a young
President, John F. Kennedy

makes a bold promise.

- By the end of this decade,
we will send a man safely

to the Moon and return him safely home.

- [Crow] Not bad, Joel, but
you know you sound a little bit

like Cliff from Cheers.

This is my big scene.

- Not quite 10 years later.

- [Joel] 40 feet, down 2
1/2, picking up some dust.

30 seconds, contact light
okay, engine stopped.

- [Tom] We copy you down, Eagle.

- [Joel] Houston, Tranquility Base here.

The Eagle has landed.

- [Tom] Roger, Tranquility,
we copy you on the ground.

You got a bunch of guys down
here about to turn blue.

We're breathing again, thanks a lot.

- [Joel] Thank you.

- Now, now, okay.

I'm on the pad now.

I'm jumping off.

That's one small step for man,
one giant leap for mankind.

- [Joel] Okay, here I come.

I'm coming down out of the Lunar Module.

- Hey Joel, how come your
costume's not very good.

- Well, I had to be the
President and Buzz Aldrin.

Okay.
- Okay.

- Oh man, did it.

Do you have your keys?

I just locked ourselves out of the LEM.

- You what?

Oh wow, that's one small screw-up for you,

one giant screw-up for you.

- I'm gonna have to find,--

- Thus, ends our pageant.

- that thing.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

- [Tom] What's that?

- [Joel] I don't know.

- [Tom] Whoa.

(carefree dance music)

- [Joel] Yowsa.

- [Crow] There wearing Otello
game pieces on their head.

- [Joel] Othello.

You know, I kinda miss the morning, guys.

- [Tom] I can see why.

- [Joel] Hey, Crow, you can't wear that.

- [Crow] Ow, ow, ow, thank you.

Hey, it looks like Liza Minnelli

and Lola Falana had a garage sale.

- I miss him, too.

He was a very good
customer and a good man.

- And a good pilot.

As pilots go, he went.

- [Bill] Moon Flower, double.

- [Tom] Ah, the name's
Bob if you don't mind.

- It's an old fashioned Pampas Punch.

- [Crow] Pamper's Punch? Ick.

(carefree dance music)

- First one's on the house.

- [Tom] He didn't buy me a drink.

- [Joel] Nice bar, really
crummy atmosphere, though.

(laughs)

- [Tom] That one will live forever.

- [Crow] Lot of mileage there.

- It still tastes like
distilled rocket fuel.

- It is distilled rocket fuel.

- [Crow] That's easy for you to say.

- How much is cost this week?

- $35 a shot.

You see, we're a long way.--

- A long way from Scotland, I know.

- [Joel] Hey pal, I've got a small part.

Let me finish my own
lines, if you don't mind.

- But I haven't got 35 bucks a shot.

- Isn't it about time you got hungry.

- A good point, my Captain.

And so, the grand space engineer passes

into the great unknown
of Joe's old time.--

- [Crow] Pizza Time Theater.

- Perhaps, never to return.

- He was Otto Von Beck's
engineer for a couple of years

before he came to me.

- Maybe he's just glad to be alive.

- Sure, all engineers are crazy.

- [Joel] Hey, that's a
pretty broad statement, pal.

- What did you call this, Pampas Punch?

- [Crow] No, it's bile. Why?

- It tastes more like
Tijuana Brass Polish.

- [Crow] Good one, ha ha ha!

(carefree dance music)

- [Joel] It's Moon Zero Mostel.

You know what their answer is.

- [Crow] Hairpieces by Alexander Calder.

- [Joel] They're doin' the No Dance.

No, no, no, no, no.

(beeping)

- [Tom] Hey, he could've just said hello.

(fast-paced drum music)

- [Crow] Hey, how are they
making that noise, Joel?

- That's no way to treat a phone, friend.

- I bought it a drink.

What more can a man do?

- [Joel] Well, maybe get it some dinner.

- A gentleman wants a word with you.

- You can tell him to go to hell instead.

- Mr. Hubbard wants to see you.

- Old 100% Hubbard?

- [Crow] L. Ron Hubbard,
old Mother Hubbard?

- He can go 100% to hell.

- Let's just go and see Mr. Hubbard.

- Convince me.

- [Crow] I'm convinced.

Oh, it's a gun.

- I'm convinced.

(carefree dance music)

- Well, throw.

- [Joel] Ooh, stupid.

- [Tom] Let's Moon 'em, come on.

- [Joel] Honey, fix your dress.

- Community chest.

- [Crow] Yeah.

- Go to jail.

Move directly to jail.

Do not pass Go, do not collect $500.

(sucking)

- Will you stop sucking your thumb.

- [Crow] Oops.

- What are you going to do?

- I'll go to jail.

- Now, while you are in jail,

I foreclose on the mortgage
and I bankrupt you.

- [Joel] Neat, well, then I'm not going

to be Community Chest any more.

- It leaves you 19,000 short.

You owe me 17 cents.

- [Joel] Nice pocket calculator.

- [Crow] Yeah, if you're a kangaroo.

- And don't forget the interest.

- [Tom] I'm not interested in interest.

(ringing)

- That will be Harry with our guest.

- [Joel] Do you bathe?

- [Tom] Fourth floor,
tyrannical tycoons, loose women.

Works every time.

Don't anyone talk.

- Ah, it's Scotch.

Now, why didn't you say so?

- [Joel] Oh, I was
concentrating on my lines.

- [Bill] Play with guns
on the surface floor.

One shot and we'd all been
breathing empty space.

- So, that's why you didn't
try to take it off me up there.

- Well, there had to be
a reason, didn't there?

- [Crow] Not necessarily.

Sometimes, people take it for no reason.

- Your reputation didn't
exaggerate Mr Kemp.

Perhaps I should apologize
for sending a man

like Harry to fetch the pilot.

- [Joel] No, I'm just wild about Harry.

- [Hubbard] Of the first man on Mars.

- [Joel] Is that who I am?

- Say when.

- A long time ago.

- [Hubbard] And now,
you're flying a 10-year-old

space ferry and salvaging dead satellites

to sell to the junkyards.

- [Joel] Don't talk about Sarah that way.

(mooing)

- Will you stop fiddling with that thing?

- But I've never been to Switzerland.

- The only thing worth
seein' are the banks.

- [Crow] Grr.

- I think you knew Otto Von Beck.

- [Crow] An auto on the
surface of the Moon.

It'll never work.

- And I believe you are
the only other pilot

on the Moon with a ship for charter.

Otto was going to do a little job for me.

Now.

- Now?

- [Tom] Now?

- Do you know asteroids, Mr. Kemp?

- [Tom] Sure, I have Atari.

- The remains of a planet which exploded

but was never formed.

Some of them, grains of dust.

Some the size of small Moons
and everything in between.

- [Tom] You're making a
spectacle out of yourself.

(laughs)

- [Joel] Doesn't he look
like the head of KAOS?

- [Crow] Yeah, I was just thinking that.

- [Joel] Bernie Kopell?

- The orphans of the
solar system, Mr. Kemp.

- [Joel] The guy from That Girl.

- And you wanna become a father.

- [Tom] Is that how it works?

- [Bill] You can't set
up a mine on an asteroid.

The cost of flying the
equipment up, the supplies,

bringing the ore back, it never pays.

- Not mine it, Mr. Kemp.

Land it, on the Moon.

- Land it?

You mean crash it, and that's
against the law in a big way.

- [Crow] He's right, just ask John Landis.

- A young pilot might
drop it on Moon City.

Well, we don't do things that way.

You would have the results

of two years research to help you.

- [Joel] Good Lord, he's ugly.

He's so immense.

- So, what's so special
about one asteroid?

- [Joel] It's worth bonus points.

You go into the next screen.

- You'll find out yourself
when you get there,

so I may as well tell you now.

Whitsun.

- [Crow] I don't even know my name.

- Too small to have
either a name or a number,

the asteroid was first
photographed in 1998,

when it happened to
pass close to the Earth.

But it was never investigated or plotted.

- Until two years ago.

- This film was taken

by Mr. Hubbard's astronomical division.

- [Joel] I'm sorry, that's my gallstone.

- Barely 60 feet by 30 by 30,

estimated mass approximately 6,000 tons.

- [Tom] Heavy.

- [Crow] This is me playing Breakout.

- Do you read spectral grams, Mr. Kemp?

- Some of the easy ones.

This part looks like aluminum.

- That's very good.

It's quite similar to aluminum.

- [Joel] Is that Richard
Seals' stupider brother?

- In the heart of an exploding planet

hundreds of millions of years ago.

What is the name again, Whitsun?

- A ceramic crystalline form
of corundum aluminum oxide.

- [Tom] Or something like that.

- Sapphire, Mr. Kemp.

- [Tom] I love Sapphire.

- Sapphire.

- [Tom] She's great.

- 6,000 tons of gemstone sapphire.

- [Crow] Okay.

- That's what's so special
about this asteroid.

- [Crow] Well, that's my
birthstone, I'll do it.

- Well?

- Sounds like a nice profitable idea,

but it's still against the law.

- [Joel] So's your forehead, though.

- [Whitsun] We understand
that you're already

in trouble with the law,
on safety regulations.

- [Tom] Hm?
- [Crow] Hm?

- The bureau wants to ground you.

- [Hubbard] Oh, come now, Whitsun.

That's no way to treat our guest.

- [Crow] Yeah, he's too old for grounding.

- Mr. Kemp must be entirely
free to make up his own mind.

- [Joel] Which is great for him.

- And just suppose I freely
make up my mind to come in.

What do I get out of it?

- [Tom] Don Pardo, show 'em what they win.

- A brand new space ferry.

- [Joel] Hello?

- It could come in handy.

- We'll have you one tomorrow.

- But at that price, you
could get your own ship,

get your own crew.

- But not secretly.

You see, someone like myself
starts to outfit an expedition

into space, well, it
attracts questions, snoopers.

- [Tom] Snoopers and blabbers.

- Investigations from the Bureau.

But you, well, you just pop off into space

on one of your scavenging--

- [Tom] Hey!

- Flights, no questions asked.

And a few days later,
an asteroid just happens

to land on the Far Side of the Moon.

- [Whitsun] And since
nobody's bothered to plot it,

nobody can say.--

- [Crow] Oh, thank you, Vidal Sassoon.

I don't look good and you don't look good.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

- [Voiceover] PanAm Spaceway,
Bug Express flight 83

will lift off.--

- [Crow] Hey, her boots are eatin' her.

- [Tom] That's a tribute
to Bronco Nagurski.

- [Joel] She was in
Yards of Leather I think.

- Us unsalaried workers
have to keep working.

- [Crow] Ouch!

- Looks like quite a
heavy load you have there.

What is it?

- Oh, some experimental
propulsion equipment

I wanna protest in space.

- [Tom] Sure, did you get
it from a honeyMoon catalog?

- Section 47C, paragraph one.

No information about commercial
or industrial secrets

need be disclosed without authority

of the Moon Code Warrant.

- [Joel] But I'm paraphrasing, of course.

- There's more than one way to skin a cat.

- [Tom] Everyone says that,

but no one ever tells me the other way.

- Good luck, Bill.

- You'll have to marry that girl, Bill

- What do you mean, have to?

- It might be better than
have her throw you in jail.

- [Crow] Looks like
these guys got suited up

for a Foosball game.

- You'd better marry her anyway.

- [Joel] You gotta marry her, Bill.

She's got the wedding bell blues.

- [Crow] Up, up, and away.

- [Joel] I'll just throw this back here.

- [Tom] Ah, I'm intrinsically evil,

and I've got a new jogging
suit I'm showing off.

- Lift off of Earth Express.

We understand it's a side
no tourist should miss.

When will you be ready to lift off?

- Yes, this time, we
can pay the bill, okay?

- [All] Okay, Mr. Fawlty.

- The pump valve on number 2.

We are ready now.

Passengers?

- He's got a computer in that briefcase.

- [Joel] And he's not afraid to use it.

- [Crow] Duck!

- He can help with the heavy work.

- I'll get order.

- That's Mr. Karminski, isn't it?

Your engineer.

What nationality is he?

- [Crow] He's from Barcelona.

- It wasn't quite what I asked.

- We're all foreigners up here.

- [Joel] Some more than others.

- Ready to go?

Without the pistol, please.

- You don't take this off me twice.

- Then the trips off.

If that thing goes off in the ship,

we'd never get back to explain why.

- Give it to me, Harry.

- [Crow] But I feel
totally naked without it.

It's my only accessory.

- [Joel] Give him the
pearl earrings too, Harry.

- Let's hope we all
have a profitable trip.

- Let you know in about four days.

- [Joel] Pow, Sluggo.

- [Voiceover] Please
report to immigration.

Passenger flight 320 Mars,
report to immigration.

- [Joel] Shut up.

- [Tom] That's the coffee.

That should be ready in a minute or two.

- Okay, we're pressurized.

You can take your helmets off.

- [Joel] Just kidding.

- Whitsun, I want the main course

exactly 90 seconds after blastoff.

- [Crow] You are a hungry little guy.

- Are we letting him navigate?

- He's got a better computer than we have.

- Can he use it?

- [Bill] He figures
counting miles per hour

isn't so different from
dollars per second.

- As long as he remembers he can't get

miles per hour on credit.

- [Joel] Ha ha, I love your wry naive wit,

my European friend.

- Request takeoff clearance.

Round trip, no landing away as usual.

- [Crow] First class or
coach, smoking or non?

- [Voiceover] Zero Two, you're clear.

Mars Express due in 20 minutes.

- [Tom] But are we clear?

- Zero Two, I'll try to miss him, out.

- [Crow] They really did a great
job of antiquing that ship.

- [Joel] Slap in the road tape, dude.

And get the JD from under the seat.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

- [Crow] Kate Melonhead, get off my foot.

- [Joel] He travels with Roller
Derby queens, it's great.

- [Tom] Ah, it's Esther Williams.

She's in a fish bowl.

- [Voiceover] Got that
course yet, Whitsun?

- Relative to the
electric, I wanna a course

of alpha three, five, one,
Peter one, seven, nine,

speed 17,500.

- [Crow] Then a sherry, medium dry.

- It sounds as if he knows.

- [Bill] It does, doesn't it?

- Do you think he means.--

- [Crow] Woop, woop, woop, woop.

- Oh, more or less, I suppose.

- I hope it's not too difficult for you.

- Not at all, Mr. Whitsun.

- Well, if you have it on bitograph,

I hope I can make the
situation clear to you.

- It's over there.

Well, it's not new, but I think it works.

- [Joel] Are we talking
about the same thing here?

- [Tom] Would you turn off
Peter and the Wolf, please?

- The Earth, the Moon revolving around it.

Now this year, this week,
the asteroid is making

it's closest approach to the
Moon since 1998 on this course.

- [Crow] It's the closest approach

since I grew my bushy-wushy sideburns.

- Just here, 45 hours from now.

- [Joel] The Importance of Being Earnest,

that's where I saw him.

- [Crow] A Gentleman Caller, actually.

But these rockets, as I was saying.

- The asteroid will change to this orbit.

You will observe that its speed relative

to the Moon is quite slow

and that it is only visible from Far Side.

The radar stations on
Near Side cannot see it.

You appreciate the importance of this?

- If they could, we'd be in
jail the moment we got back.

- Exactly.

- [Joel] Have you ever been in jail?

You'd like it quite a lot.

- The asteroid will have
come within 10,000 miles

of the Moon, we should return to it,

take new measurements, reset the engines,

and fire them again.

- [Joel] Am I boring you?

- The asteroid lands on the Moon.

- Crunch, I get the picture.

- The convoy's in from Fire Flight five.

- [Tom] Huh?

- [Crow] Well, I'm glad
they know what she said.

- [Tom] Hey, there's a sale of panties.

- [Joel] Hide the garnishes, quick.

All the knickknacks gotta be moved.

(lively country music)

- [Crow] They sure are a shiny bunch.

- [Joel] Hey, it's Randolph Mantooth.

- I'm sorry, I thought you were my.

- Wrong number.

- [Joel] Is that rayon they're wearing?

- [Crow] Naugahyde.

- [Joel] Hey, it's Hee Haw 1999.

- [Crow] Pretty soon,
they'll get those big,

foam weird number one hands.

(lively country music)

- [Crow] Hey, anybody know where a guy

can get some Armor All around here?

- [Joel] Hey, it's the same
dance with different hats,

but it's a completely
different experience.

- [Crow] Excuse me, ma'am.

Someone didn't finish your haircut.

Oh my, I'm in love.

- Excuse me again, but do
you know Mr. Wallace Taplin?

- Wally, yes, I know Wally.

- [Tom] Sounds like the Benny Hill Show.

- Not well enough, apparently.

- You a friend of his?

- No, I'm his sister.

- [Man in Gray] That's a great relief.

- Was he on this convoy?

- Well, if he was, I didn't see him.

- [Crow] Well, what was his handle?

- [Man in Plaid] Would you
like to sit down, take a drink?

- Yes, yes, join us.

- Three more rocket fuels, please.

- [Crow] And an air freshener.

You know their rocket
fuel contains no ethanol.

- I haven't seen Wally
in maybe four months.

- [Joel] Hand check.

- He sent me a cable to meet him here.

- [Man in Gray] You're just up from Earth?

- [Clem] Yeah.

- You try radioing him?

You can't, that satellite's out, isn't it?

You'd think they'd have
decent communications

here on the Moon.

- No government ever spent one dollar

until they've lost five.

- Yeah, five for us.

- [Joel] Hey, it's Buffalo Bob.

- We're out of contact the way we are

around the back there.

- [Crow] Why are they all English?

- [Tom] Geezit, it's a Gator Babe.

- [Joel] 'Cause they're
the only ones pale enough

to simulate being out
of the direct sunlight.

- [Liz] Any news, Miss Taplin?

- Something must have happened to him.

Nobody's seen him in months.

- Well, he may have
just missed the convoy.

- [Joel] I love that woman.

- Is Pretty Rock compared
to Far Side five.

- [Joel] Oh, we better get out of here.

- [Crow] I love that one.

Come on, you guys, let's go.

- [Crow] I wanna stay and watch my babe.

- If you have any news or
want any help, let me know.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

- You know, you guys, I was just thinking

about that kinda dumb Moonopoly
joke they've got in there.

It's just a stupid pun, but you know,

in the future the games
we play now are going

to be a lot different with
the future element involved.

You know, like Twister will probably

be played on your tongue.

- Yeah, and Nintendo would be Moontendo

with the Super Lunar Mario Brothers.

- Or Risk is Riskier.

- Right, and Sorry will
seem to be the hardest game.

- And say you're playing
Clue and that the answer

might be Colonel Mustard
in the Command Module

with laser bolos, 'cause it's spacial.

- Parchisi will be Greenchisi.

- Right, Skittle Ball will be the same

but it will take even longer to set up

'cause of no gravity.

- Shoots and Ladders is
replaced by vacuum tubes.

You know, like on the Jetson's,

because that's the only
way they can get around

from place to place.

- Candyland's the same,

but you should see the
new flavors they've got.

- Right.

- Kaboom is called
Don't Smoke in the Ship,

because it's an oxygen-rich atmosphere

and you could blow up
and that would be bad.

- Right, and they won't have mice

because they'll need to
use them for research.

- No Mouse Trap.
- You can't play Mouse Trap.

- Right, okay.

Etch-A-Sketch will finally be able

to draw curvy lines, I bet.

- And Scruples aren't around anymore

because people won't have any.

- Trivial Pursuit will
be Trivial Moonsuit.

- Now, it's Win, Lose, or Draw is called

Win, Lose, and Draw Oxygen.

- Password has been replaced
by games higher in fiber.

- Well, I got a game from
my past that's in my present

and I think will keep
going into the future.

You know how it works, guys.

It's Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots.

(grunting)

All right, I knocked his block off.

(buzzing)

- Whoa, movie's starting,
get me outta here.

Let's go.

(whirring)

- [Karminski] Three, two,
give her the works, cut.

- [Tom] Don't Rock 'em
Sock 'em us anymore.

Stop it.

- [Crow] Hey, let me
at him, let me at him.

- [Joel] Come on, you guys.

- [Crow] I'll murder him.

- [Joel] You need to break it up.

- [Bill] A 6,000 ton jewel.

How would you like to meet the broad

who could hang that around her neck?

- [Crow] Aw, she's
probably got a boyfriend.

(eerie orchestral music)

- [Joel] What do you
think of being in space?

- [Crow] Hey, it's Major Kong.

- [Tom] Is that what they
call a crotch rocket?

- [Joel] Oh, I never knew
outer space was so well lit.

(eerie orchestral music)

- [Crow] In space, no
one can hear you yawn.

- Where exactly do you want this attached?

- On the cradle.

Treat it gently.

This is number three.

This is likely to go off early as late.

Fasten your safety line, Harry.

- I'll go down and get the
leads from the other engines.

- [Crow] Hey, get some
tape while you're at it

and bring me back a soda.

Anything but Mr. Pibb.

(eerie orchestral music)

- [Tom] Oh, isn't it the
same shot done upside-down?

- [Joel] Well, kinda.

What they do is turn
the camera over twice,

and they shoot it backwards
at high speed into a mirror.

- [Tom] Oh, seems like it would be easier

to just shoot it upside-down.

- [Joel] Yeah, probably.

(eerie orchestral music)

- Now, if each end isn't set

for exactly 100,000 pounds thrust, then.

- [Joel] Hey, it's a meat scale.

Maybe he's trying to price that boulder.

Looks pretty well marbled.

- [Tom] Quarter inch trimmed.

- [Whitsun] One hour and 18 minutes.

- If number three goes off right on time.

- If it doesn't, it'll
ruin the whole operation.

- [Crow] Yeah, but if it does, it'll work.

If it doesn't, just do it.

- So do all the rest.

- It must fire exactly on time.

- [Tom] Shouldn't they
have figured all this out

on the ship?

- I'll stay here and give it a thump,

when you give me the countdown.

- [Hubbard] When they
do fire, she won't make

like a space ship.

As much as we're building
up thrust, will you be okay?

- Provided I get off in
the first 10 seconds, yes.

- All right.

- Are you sure you'll
be all right, Mr. Kemp?

- You take care of your calculations,

I'll take care of myself.

- [Joel] But let's just
try to work together, okay?

- Thank you for asking anyway.

- [Tom] Grr.

- [Crow] My pleasure, glad to do it.

Let's do lunch.

- [Tom] Don't lose your happy thoughts.

- [Joel] Can't tell if
they're just dangling

from wires there.

They look like bait.

- [Tom] It's not easy being green.

- [Joel] I'm curious, but yellow.

- [Tom] Ah, frog and a
bird, together again.

Wocka, wocka, wocka.

- [Crow] What?

(eerie orchestral music)

- [Crow] Here's the
meat scale you ordered.

- [Joel] Yeah, where's my Mr. Pibb though?

- [Crow] Oops.

(eerie orchestral music)

- [Tom] See that.

It mean's absolutely nothing.

- 15 seconds, Mr. Kemp.

- [Crow] Not by my watch.

10.--

- [Joel] 13.

- [Crow] Eight.

- [Whitsun] Eight.

- [Joel] 2,000,000.

- [Crow] 49.

- [Tom] One, three, five.

- [Crow] Hut, hut, hut.

- [Tom] Seven, eight, six,
seven, five, three, o, nine.

- [Whitsun] Two.

- [Joel] One.

- [Whitsun] One.

- [Crow] Thump.

- [Tom] Thump.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- [Joel] Space sounds by Chuck Mangione.

- [Crow] Yahoo.

A real yahoo.

- He has five seconds to get free.

- [Tom] Five, four, three, shew.

- [Crow] Hey, it looks
like his stone passed him.

- What would have happened if he'd failed?

- He'd have ended up in his socks.

- [Joel] At least he would have died

with his birthstone, though.

- Are you okay, Bill?

- [Crow] No, I've been better.

- Only it's a little lonely out here.

- Are you walking home
or would you like a lift?

- I think I'll take a lift.

- [Whitsun] And you'll make it
out there before you know it.

- [Bill] Try to make it
before the bar shuts.

- [Joel] Wow, they're so versatile.

It's kinda like Swan Lake-a-Go-Go.

- When does wonder boy reckon
we should go out again?

- Three days, according
to his box of tricks.

Wanna drink?

- Later, I am going to eat.

- [Crow] They made some extra cash

by selling this set to Donny and Marie.

- A double Moon Flower, please Glen.

- [Joel] In a dirty space tumbler.

- Buffalo Stampede.

(jazzy dance music)

- [Joel] That Norm Crosby?

- [Crow] Or Corm Nosby.

- There's a lady been asking for you

for the past couple of days.

- [Joel] Space getup works every time.

- [Bill] What's she drinking?

- Green Mary.

- What?

- Rocket fuel and cabbage juice.

- [Crow] And a shot of bile.

- Which takes the taste away from which?

- I don't know, I only serve them.

- [Joel] And take your money.

- [Tom] You think he
tips himself outta that?

- [Joel] I don't know.

He's gonna have to file a chapter 13

with all those Moon drinks.

- [Crow] Well, you're
paying for the garnishes.

- [Joel] Yeah.

- [Tom] Hey, how's the egg coming?

- Found your brother yet?

- No.

- Not on the convoy?

- Not on two convoys.

And nobody seems to have seen
him in nearly four months.

- Well, Far Side is a big place.

You just don't go visiting someone

when it's 100 miles of rough country,

and in a Moon Bug which.

- [Crow] Hey, Florence Henderson hairdo.

Looks like she did it with Wesson oil.

- Mr. Kemp, do you know
anything about Moon mining laws?

- A little.

- Can you explain the two-year rule?

- [Bill] Well, you gotta
claim for two years

and if you haven't found
anything at the end of that time,

you get thrown out.

Somebody else gets it.

There's quite a waiting list.

- Seems a bit unfair.

- Maybe, but the Moon costs a
lot of money to get started.

And they can't have
people just digging holes

and not finding anything.

- [Tom] Well, unless
they call them craters.

- How long has your brother had his claim?

- Two years and three days time.

- [Joel] Who's got the
deed on that forehead?

That's what I'd like to know.

- In his cable, that's why I'm up here.

- Well, you better tell
him to get over here

and prove it before he loses his claim.

- [Clem] By radio?

- [Bill] Oh no.

- [Crow] He's talking to a lady.

- But the convoys, no they
wouldn't be quick enough.

- Mr. Kemp, will you fly me over there?

- [Joel] I don't know, how fast do you go?

- I know I haven't got $10,000 on me now,

but if Wally's found something,

we'll pay you back as
soon as we're selling it.

- I couldn't land on your brother's claim.

- [Tom] That would hurt.

It's much too rough country.

But we could go to Far Side 5.

It's a 24 hour ride in a Bug from there.

You can owe it to me.

Hey, what the hell,
I'm nearly rich anyway.

Let's have another drink.

- [Joel] Well, can I
finish the one I've got?

- Glen, I'd like two more
of whatever they are.

- [Tom] Sewage bilge.

- You weren't thinking
of taking the young lady

for a ride, were you Mr. Kemp?

- I'm a pilot for hire.

- You're already hired, drop her.

- It'll only be a three day trip.

I'll be back in time.

- [Crow] That's what the skipper said.

- Drop her.

- [Joel] That would hurt her.

- You seem to have your hand on me.

- [Joel] I'm not a guy here,

but I'm pretty sure you've
got your hand on me.

(grunts)

(lively band music)

- [Tom] Hey, watch the
Slush Puppie machine.

- If we're gonna play, we're
gonna play by my rules.

- [Crow] Yeah, but nobody
knows what your rules are.

- [Tom] Always have your
hair cut by a machine.

- [Joel] And always
look like Dennis Hopper.

- [Tom] Ooh, he gave him a snuggie.

- [Crow] In space, no
one can hear a wedgie.

(discordant orchestral music)

Look out Big Bird.

Oh, magic screen.

- [Joel] Oh, he should've
seen that comin'.

- [Tom] Picked up the spare.

(discordant orchestral music)

- Touch down in 17 minutes.

- Be careful, we've just gone weightless.

- I know, just like the Moon Express.

Though, your ship is
different in other ways.

- [Joel] You mean, no toilet paper?

Yeah, sorry about that.

- You are in for a nice, slow
night drive in a Moon Bug.

Just beautiful, too.

I'll stay with the ship
and give her a sprinkling.

- And get some sleep.

- [Crow] And give her a sprinkling.

- Approaching re-entry point.

- [Tom] That's our cue, doll face.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

- [Crow] Cool.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

- [Tom] Hey, could you
turn down that stereo?

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

- [Crow] The old west.

In space, no one can art direct.

- [Voiceover] I haven't
seen Wally here in oh,

must be nearly four months by now.

I've tried to radio him a couple of times,

but it's always chancy
in the mountain country.

- How about relaying him?

- Well, I could ask Nick
Hunter to ask Louie Grenia

to ask Tad Cottle to
pass on a message, but.

- [Joel] But they're
all dead, it'd be silly.

- Kidney trouble the last fortnight.

And I know that Nick went over

to Moon City on the last convoy.

On the other hand.

- [Tom] Do I need to know this?

- Might be able to contact Bill Worther.

Oh no, he's off radio for
the next couple of days.

Sorry, there doesn't seem to be any way.

- Well, when you didn't hear from him,

didn't you think of
declaring an emergency?

- [Joel] Do you think this permanent wave

is a good idea for my hair?

- [Crow] Looks like Big Boy.

- The satellite's only
been dead for 12 days.

- I know that, but nobody
dies slowly on the Moon.

You know that.

- Well, can I take a Bug, then?

- One's out.

- [Tom] I said bug light.

- And the other, I'd need
a thousand dollars deposit.

- [Crow] Oh, I have that in my shoe.

- [Tom] Your Odor Eater,
thank you very much.

- [Joel] I'm afraid you're
over your credit limit.

Do you have a Dr. Scholl's pad on you?

- Is it ready?

- Ready as she'll ever be.

I guess she'll get you there.

- And back?

- Sure do hope so.

- Climb aboard.

- [Joel] Oh man, she's cherry, man.

Sam put on some thrush glass packs, man.

He's got some twin headers
with a 44 barrel, it screams.

- [Crow] The van's pretty nice, too.

- Move over, unless you wanna drive.

- [Crow] Hey, how many girls
have you had in your Moon Bug?

- [Tom] Well, if you've gotta
go, you'd better do it now.

- [Joel] How do you like
my new Moon sounds tape.

I feel a blast.

- [Crow] Hey, I know.

Let's sing car songs.

You know, like the Wiener Man song, yeah.

♫ I know a weiner man,
he owns a hot dog stand ♫

sorry, how about another one?

- [Joel] And so, they
set out in the wiener car

in search of the giant kielbasa.

- [Tom] Oops, we're outta gas. (laughs)

- [Crow] Hey, there's Jacques Cousteau.

- Sorry, but this is a part of the Moon

that tourists don't usually see.

If we pull the wrong lever out here,

there's no guarantee we'll even be found.

- I'm sorry.

But I'm not a tourist, Mr. Kemp.

I'm here to stay and work with my brother.

- [Joel] I know it's a
little bit rough now,

but it'll be better when we fall in love

later in the picture.

- I understand.

How long does it stay dark?

- [Joel] All night.

- Sunup in 40 hours.

- [Crow] So, that's like 100 hours.

- [Bill] 200 degrees below zero,

and up above boiling
point when the suns out.

Don't worry, these Bugs
have efficient heating

and cooling systems.

We've always got the Moon suits.

- [Joel] Yeah, I guess
if I had to do it over,

I'd probably buy a foreign.

- I see what you mean about

we'll always be foreigners.

- [Joel] No, I said I'd buy foreign.

- Why'd your brother pick
this end of the Moon.

- He didn't, it was the only claim left

when he got here.

- [Bill] That figures.

What was he mining on Earth?

- Gold, some silver.

Last thing he found was
copper up in Montana.

Sold out cheap to a big company.

He always thinks there'll be a bigger

and better strike over the next hill.

- He came over a big hill this time.

- [Joel] Funny.

- Your father?

- He blew himself up five years ago,

dynamiting for emeralds in the Andes.

- [Tom] And your mom?

- I hardly knew him.

He was always off somewhere,

digging a new hole over a new hill.

You're the Bill Kemp who
was the first man on Mars.

- That's right.

- It's funny, meeting you like this.

- Driving a hired Moon Bug?

- No, I can remember when we got the news

that you'd landed on Mars.

I was just a school girl then,

and I wasn't very
interested in space travel.

- [Crow] Okay, okay, rub it in, I'm old.

- Then the astronomy teacher
showed us Mars one night,

and told us how far it was.

- It still is.

- I remember your name from then.

The man who'd flown his
spaceship for 40,000,000 miles.

- [Crow] Okay, you're 12, I'm 100.

I get it already.

- Oh, I can still recite
you the names of the crew.

- That's more than I could.

- [Joel] Do you ever think about renting

out your forehead for advertising.

- Why'd you give it up, exploring?

- [Bill] It gave me up.

After Mars, and Jack Harvey
got on Venus, the corporation

decided that passengers
was where the money was.

Sure, it would've taken some money

and some new inventions
too, to get to Mercury,

and Jupiter's Moons,

but somebody's gotta do it.

- [Joel] Jupiter, that's
a planet, isn't it?

- Anyway, I wasn't a
passenger pilot, so I quit.

- [Crow] Okay, I lied.

They got me on a morals charge.

- I understand.

- You do?

- [Tom] Chinese good for you?

- [Crow] Hey, it's a souvenir bank.

- There's always something
over the next hill.

I know.

- And always on borrowed money.

But there is something over the hill.

- That's the trouble for women.

All space travel is just a big way

of getting out of the house
on a Saturday evening.

- Well, if you don't have
anything better to do.

- [Joel] And we sure don't.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

♫ I wanna be his wiener wife

♫ I wanna join his wiener life ♫

- [Crow] Hey, nice steps.

Looks like they should have
boxing gloves at the end of 'em.

- [Tom] Looks like they're kinda crawling

out of the Tupperware orange.

- [Joel] Now, those suits
are different colors,

so you can tell who's who.

If she gets confused,

she should just remember that she's her.

- [Crow] Huh?

- [Tom] Well, they left
their dome light on,

so someone's gonna have
to get a jump start.

AAA's even gonna charge them for that run.

- [Joel] Oh, brother.

Her brother lived in a port-a-potty.

- [Crow] Wow, look at it in there.

Your brother was really a slob.

Hey, is there air coming out of your suit,

or are you playing a trumpet?

- [Joel] Skin sample.

Looks valuable.

- [Tom] Wish I had me one of them plows.

- [Clem] I found something.

- [Tom] Their driveways.

- Where are you?

- Around the corner.

- Don't wander off.

You've gotta stay in sight.

- I'm sorry.

- [Tom] A setup like that is bound

to scare off trick-or-treaters.

- [Clem] Do you know what this is?

- A piece of rock.

- [Crow] Looks like
your brother's kneecap.

- There's a vein of nickel
in it, and a very rich one.

Wally did find something.

- Are you sure?

- I know a little about geology.

- [Tom] Oh, we all know a little bit.

- Where could he have gone?

- Not far, or he would
have taken his Bug Dozer.

- [Joel] Now, just how
disappointed would you be

if you never saw your brother alive again?

- Look, there's someone there.

- [Crow] Oh him, he's always there.

It's a space lawn jockey.

Everyone's got 'em at the
end of their driveway.

- [Joel] Now remember,
there'll be three of us now

and you're the one that's
you in the blue, okay.

(screeching)

- [Tom] Oh, he's lost weight.

He looked much better heavy.

(screams)

- [Clem] I thought he just made a mistake.

- [Bill] He managed for two
years without making one,

and he didn't puncture his suit.

He had to have oxygen to
look like, to go as he did.

One full, one empty.

- [Crow] Which one do you think he used?

- Just a stupid mistake.

- [Tom] Well, I bet
he'll never do it again.

- [Joel] Let's use our
precious oxygen and bury him.

- [Crow] See this, it's his Nintendo.

He would've wanted me to have it.

Well, if he'd have known me.

I'm keeping it.

- [Tom] Honey, cookies are done.

- Hold it.

- [Joel] Oops, looks like we got company.

It's the unwelcome wagon.

- You out there, identify yourselves.

- [Crow] Okay, will this help?

They call me Shooter.

(laughs)

- [Tom] Damn Moon goons.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- [Crow] Hey, they come
in great flavors, too.

There's raspberry red, burnt umber,

and of course, chartreuse.

- [Joel] Oh man, and I
bet that Moon Buggy was

on his car, too.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- [Tom] Excuse me, I'm nervous.

I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- We're on telephone now.

They can't hear us.

But don't say anything on radio.

They're picking it all up.

- [Crow] Is there a seven second delay?

Can I swear?

- Come on out, both of you.

Or we'll drill you like a sieve.

- [Joel] What kinda sieve?

That oughta keep them busy.

- Don't shoot.

The girl's hurt, you've gotta help me.

- [Crow] Does this help?

(explosions)

- [Tom] Timpani guns.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- [Joel] Works every time.

- [Crow] Well, you got lime
green, just raspberry red

and lemon yellow to go.

But remember, Trix are for kids.

(suspenseful guitar music)

- [Joel] Now, just remember,
they're the guys in color.

(suspenseful guitar music)

- There's another way out.

- [Crow] Hey, there's a barracuda in here.

- [Joel] If we don't die,

you wanna catch a movie or something?

I mean, if you're not
alive, I totally understand.

It won't hurt my feelings or anything.

- Back in the cave.

(suspenseful guitar music)

- [Crow] Hey, plow your driveway, mister?

Geez.

(screeching)

- [Tom] Aw, he killed a blow-up doll.

Soups on, he said flatly.

(suspenseful guitar music)

- [Joel] I think he's
going after a crack house.

- [Crow] Wow, lawn and garden attachments,

that guy's got all the candy.

- [Joel] Ah, just take a
little off the torso, please.

(suspenseful guitar music)

- [Joel] Seems like a bad music festival.

- [Crow] Hey, shut the door.

What are you born in a vacuum?

- [Tom] Hey, slippery
guy, he's playing possum.

(gun fires)

Told ya.

(gasping)

- [Crow] Oops.

- [Tom] Hey, hurt little fella?

- Quickly, give me your brother's pack.

- [Joel] How do I know it's you?

- [Crow] I'm wearing white, you idiot.

- [Joel] What good is it
if they're on the Moon,

if they just re-enact the
atrocities from Earth.

(gasping)

- [Tom] That's a good seal impression.

(eerie orchestral music)

- [Joel] This one's
going back to the store.

- [Tom] I think I may have just
put on the waste container.

- Whatever's in here, it isn't air.

- How do we get out of here?

Our Bug's written off.

- Let's try this one.

- [Crow] Yeah, it's got lawn attachments

and a Blaupunkt stereo,
factory air, the works.

- [Joel] Oh man, it smells like
a mushroom factory in here.

Those guys were really evil.

- Leave your suit on.

It's 200 degrees below zero in here.

- [Tom] What's the wind chill, though?

- Can't we turn the heating on?

- Oh, it's all shot to hell.

- [Crow] What, the plot?

- And we've only got
power for about 150 miles,

but not for heating and cooling, as well.

- We'll have to stay in
our suits all the way.

- We can't do that, either.

The charges won't last
more than a few hours.

- [Clem] 150 miles.

- [Crow] Let's beat it.

- But it's over 200
miles back to Far Side 5.

- [Crow] My charge is wearing out, too.

- By track, but this thing's
build to go over mountains.

- [Joel] Oh, he always
says that when he gets

in trouble and gets lost.

(thumping)

- Boy Servo, what a great movie.

Great actresses, too.

I like the babe with the great haircut.

- The one with Eddie Munster pageboy look?

Nah, I like the gator-headed chick.

- The one with the eel skin skull cap?

No way, ugh.

- Hey, watch it!

You're talking about
the woman I love here.

She's got style, she's got looks,

she's got a 45 strapped to each thigh

and she knows how to use them.

She's a darn sight better

than that twiggy little stick
woman you have your eyes on.

- Hey, what are ya sayin'?

- All I'm saying is that
you little thin-limbed,

scrawny, empty-headed types
seem to stick together so well.

- Oh, you want a piece of me?

I'm standing right here.

When this is over, you and
me going round and round,

botto-a-botto.

- Hey, come on you guys.

What's goin' on?

Break it up here.

What's the problem?

- Stay out of this, Joel.

This is between me and the fire plug.

- That's it, that's it.

Stand back, Joel, you're using my oxygen.

Come on, let's go.

- Listen you guys, if
there's gonna be a fight,

we're gonna do it my way.

- Not the.

(discordant orchestral music)

I'll get you.

I want your head on a plate.

(discordant orchestral music)

Stay out of this, Joel.

Turn it off.

(discordant orchestral music)

(shouts)

- Kids, when you got a
beef, don't take the law

into your own hands, take it to zero G.

Anti-gravity, it's not
just for breakfast anymore.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

- We're gonna make it.

- [Tom] What, are the
driving through snack canyon?

- [Crow] Hah, on you.

(jazz music)

- This is where it starts.

It'll take a little time yet.

- [Crow] Automatic pilot.

- [Tom] Boy, I must have the zactlies,

my suit's pretty steamy.

- Well, you better turn
your insulation off

to save the last of the charge.

We might need it later on.

- [Joel] Ow, there's hair back there.

- How far now.

- About 80 miles.

It looks as though the worst is over.

It seems pretty flat from here.

- Just when we need the shade.

Take off your Moon suit.

- [Crow] He asked her, he asked her.

Boy, I wish I was him.

- What are you gonna do now?

Now, that your not gonna
work with your brother.

- [Tom] I'm goin' to Disney World.

- [Crow] Who said she's not
working with her brother?

- Any jobs going for a good
space shipping clerk up here?

- Could be.

- [Crow] Oh, that's a bad thing.

- Thanks.

- [Joel] Oh, that feels good, thanks.

- I'm sorry I dragged you into all this.

- I'm not.

- It'd be a bit silly for Bill Kemp

to die just here, on the Moon.

After all the places you've been, I mean.

- It would be a bit silly
for Bill Kemp to die

any place, as far as I'm concerned.

So, sit down and start telling me

how much farther we have to go.

- [Crow] Gotta get past
his attitude first.

- [Tom] Well Joel, give me a hand.

I'm shorting out here.

What is this?

- [Joel] Oh, it's just the film.

Don't worry Servo.

- [Crow] Focus.

- [Joel] Oh honey, could
you put some more water

on those rocks?

- [Tom] Whoo, nothin' better than this.

This is the life.

- Is there any water left?

- [Crow] Just the gallons
you're putting out.

Chinese again.

- [Tom] That's my specimen.

- It's damn near boiling.

- Well, what's the matter?

- [Joel] Yowsa.

- [Crow] Nothin' from where I'm standing.

(whistles)

- Not a thing.

- [Tom] I knew there had to
be a good part of this movie.

- If it gets any hotter,

I'll very likely take the rest of it off.

- [Joel] Yeah, pray for heat, huh?

- [Crow] Yeah.
- [Tom] Yeah.

(buzzing)

- How much farther?

- [Joel] Well, the script
says a few more miles.

- Only a few miles.

- [Bill] How many?

- I don't know, seven, ten.

- Which is it, seven or ten?

(trumpet blares)

I'm sorry, but seven
means we might make it

but ten means we won't.

- [Crow] What's the trumpet mean?

- [Bill] Look, we've got power

for another couple of miles, then we walk.

We've only got an hours insulation
charge left in the suits.

(trumpet blares)

(clicking)

- [Joel] Shut up that jazz combo,

I'm nervous enough as it is.

- The overheating has
melted the pressure button.

I only hope.

(beeping)

Quick, get into your suit!

- [Tom] Oh damn, I thought we
were taking those suits off.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- [Joel] Suicide door.

- [Tom] Those exploder
bolts come in handy.

- [Joel] Of course it's gonna explode.

They parked over a campfire.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- [Crow] Quick, in the crack.

(explosions)

Wait, oh, the jazz
combo is still in there.

- [Tom] The day the music died.

- [Crow] Guess they won't try that again.

- [Joel] Who decided free
form jazz was the right thing

for the soundtrack?

- Look.

- [Bill] It's Far Side 5, come on.

- [Tom] They make a great
burger, let's beat cheeks.

- [Liz] All right, Bill,
you're under arrest.

- [Tom] Beat the rush.

- Fine, now has anybody
got a nice, cool drink?

- [Tom] Don't say hi.

- [Crow] Hope he likes rocket fuel.

- [Joel] She just flopped
down on that Formica.

- Just suddenly appeared.

She's always gets her man, B.

- Well, you've really been
running up an account, this time.

- [Crow] And you're the
one with the funny skull.

- [Liz] Liable to breach the
pressure of an outside room.

Malicious damage to hotel property.

- Miss Taplin's brother has
been murdered out there.

- Come on, you can do better than that.

- Yes, well, three other
characters got killed.

But I did that myself.

- [Liz] When you get into trouble,

you really jump off the
top board, don't you?

- [Tom] She's really got
sort of a Julie Andrews

quality, doesn't she?

- [Joel] Yeah, I think
she got that skull cap

from Thoroughly Modern Millie.

- One thing we can check right now.

Wally Taplin was killed with one of these.

Tell me what you think it smells like?

- [Crow] Cheese balls.

- [Tom] Pine forest.

- [Joel] Watermelon?

- [Crow] Wet canvas.

- Just one sniff.

- It could be cyanide.

- [Tom] Cyanide, that's my favorite.

- Funny, I just took it off my own suit.

- [Joel] Smells like me, and I didn't like

that wet canvas crack either.

- [Bill] But you thought it was cyanide.

Now, you sold him this air bottle.

You sell all the air bottles around here.

- [Crow] Yeah, but I distinctly remember

not selling that air bottle.

- You'd better answer him.

- They made me.

They wanted Taplin's claim.

It was due to expire.

It seems they'd found something,
and they had to have it.

- What for?

- [Tom] Tell 'em.

- To land an asteroid on it.

- [Joel] Pizza's ready.

- [Tom] It's a brand new car.

- Mr. Hubbard, they found out about it.

You've got to get me off the Moon.

- [Crow] Hogan, I wouldn't
say anymore about that

if I were you.

- So, you've reached the confession stage.

And in front of the
Bureau of Investigation.

- [Tom] Is that wrong,
should I have not done that?

- I'm glad we got here on time, Mr. Kemp.

I was afraid some of my associates might.

- [Joel] Never trust a man with a collar

made of shinyl vinyl.

- [Hubbard] To this project,
and would have disposed of you.

- [Bill] They tried.

- [Hubbard] Really, all three of them?

- All three.

- [Crow] Even raspberry red?

(laughs)

- I really did
underestimate you, Mr. Kemp.

So, we're three men short then.

Whitsun, make a note to engage.

- [Liz] Mr. Hubbard, you're under arrest.

- I don't think so.

Do you, Harry?

- [Crow] Uh, I'm sorry, I
was dreaming about rabbits.

- Let me get this straight.

You got that louse to murder my brother,

just so that you could have
a place to land an asteroid.

- [Joel] Or in a nutshell, yeah.

- Oh, stuff it.

- [Joel] Speaking of nutshells.

(gun fires)

(gun fires)

- [Tom] Oop, well I'll get that.

That's okay, no problem.

- [Hubbard] Mr. Kemp, please,

don't get yourself killed unnecessarily.

- [Crow] Oh, okay.

Hey, are those French cuffs?

- [Joel] I suppose I look
rather silly to you, Bill.

- I don't think I'm gonna be able

to get you out of this
one this time, Bill.

- Don't talk, Liz.

- [Liz] I'm gonna miss you, Bill.

Even the rows were good.

- [Joel] Bury my turtle
head at Wounded Knee.

- We're quite safe, sir.

None of the shots pierced the Devin.

- Yes, well, I believe we need to take off

for the asteroid in just under one hour.

- If you think I'm gonna land that thing

for you now.

- But I do.

Whitsun, when was the last
time we abandoned a project

without any profit?

- Antarctica, sir.

- [Tom] Stonehenge.

- Oh yes, I remember.

There was no oil there, was there?

No, but there is sapphire in
this asteroid, Mr. Kemp, so.

- [Crow] If she's dead,
I could scoop her out

and make a terrarium out of her.

- [Joel] Somebody say something.

- Harry, shoot the young lady.

- [Crow] Uh, which one?

- [Joel] Ah, the one
that's not dead, you idiot.

- [Crow] Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, right, right.

Huh? All right, okay, don't move.

- That's better.

- [Tom] Much.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)

- $200,000 in the gem market.

- [Joel] You kids be careful down there.

- We can arrange that by
firing two engines early.

- One of them will have
to be number three.

Just remember that.

- [Crow] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew that.

- I anticipated that.

- [Tom] Got my gum back.

- [Whitsun] Number three controls
the firing of the others.

- Come out here where the
boyfriend can see you, love.

Sort of encourage him in his work.

- [Joel] That's it, Bill.

Keep it up, buddy.

You're looking great.

- At four and seven minutes,
it'll still land on the claim.

- [Crow] Now, could someone
get me a medium sherry.

A very nice one, thank you.

- If I'm gonna stay down here
and thump number three again,

- [Crow] I'll need a magazine.

I'll need a long line.

- [Tom] Like a soliloquy or a monologue?

- Miss Taplin.

- [Bill] There up in the passenger deck.

- [Tom] Should I make
coffee too, Mr. Hefner?

- [Crow] This is one of my
best escape tricks ever.

I chain myself to this
ladder, see, and oh, hi.

- What can I do?

- Enter the control deck, use chair.

- [Joel] Deck, you mean.

- I think that's everything, sir.

It will land 16 minutes after firing.

- [Crow] Give or take a
millionth of a second.

- Excellent timing, Whitsun.

Mr. Taplin's claim
expired half an hour ago.

No legal problems.

- [Karminski] Are you there?

- Yes.

- [Karminski] On your
right, two rows of switches.

Bottom row.

- [Crow] Has that guy ever
spoken a complete sentence?

- [Karminski] All right?

- What now?

- [Karminski] On your
left, the big front level,

pull it all the way back.

- [Joel] But before you do that,

- Now.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- [Tom] Oh, no smoking
in your pressure suit.

First rule in the book.

- [Crow] Hot head.

- [Joel] I bet he won't try that again.

- Cut the thrust.

- the engineer must have got free.

- [Tom] Yes. (snorts)

- But he can't have.

- Of course, you think the
girl is flying that thing.

- In the maintenance locker
there, there is a buzz saw.

- Mr. Kemp, can your engineer
land that thing on his own?

- [Joel] Well, he's not
good at parallel parking,

but if it's a diagonal spot, he can do it.

- No, I don't think so.

- Then, he needs you as
much as we need the ship.

- [Crow] And vice versa.

- [Hubbard] Mr. Kaminski, if you hear me,

we are ready to go home now.

- [Tom] He could have just grabbed that.

- Go get him, Harry.

- That's right, Harry, come and get me.

- He's got a gun, Mr. Hubbard.

- I know that, it's your gun.

Just start earning your pay, for once.

- [Crow] Uh, I can't spend it
if I got a hole through me.

- [Harry] Be reasonable, Mr. Kemp.

We just wanna get back to
the Moon, the same as you do.

So, let's have no more trouble, please.

- Watch your head, Harry.

- [Crow] How can a person
watch their own head?

(gun fires)

- [Crow] Arghhh.

She must have hit my head.

- [Tom] Music to shoot thugs by.

- Now, let's be reasonable, Mr. Kemp.

Come here.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(explosions)

- [Crow] Light bulbs.

- [Joel] They're surfin'.

- [Tom] I can fly, I can fly.

I'm the luckiest boy in the world.

- [Hubbard] Well, stop it.

- [Tom] Clink, you idiot.

- [Crow] I won, I won, I'm
the best, I'm the best.

- [Tom] Works every time.

High five?

No just a hand is fine, thanks.

(jazz music)

- [Karminski] Well, they'll
be on the Moon before we are.

- Seal her up.

We'll follow as far as we can.

- [Joel] And take lots of pictures.

(jazz music)

- [Crow] So long, suckers.

- Pressure normal, no leaks.

- [Crow] A few lentils, though. (laughs)

- [Joel] Bad line.

- [Crow] Soup lovers will get it.

- [Karminsi] United
Nations Spacer Charter.

- [Joel] She missed his forehead.

That's pretty tough to do.

- Section 99B, no sex
is permitted in space.

- [Tom] Probably because
of the fiberglass suit.

- Nobody else is ready, either.

(beeping)

- [Crow] Wow, apparently, I'm dead.

- They'll reach the Moon
in exactly one minute.

- On target?

- [Karminski] On target.

- And whoever takes over from Hubbard

gets 6,000 tons of sapphire.

- That makes you a very attractive woman.

- [Crow] I'm already attractive.

- When we prove that your
brother was murdered,

and that he'd found nickel.

- [Tom] Yeah, go on.

- The law doesn't allow profit by murder.

- Five seconds,

four,

three.

- [Joel] Yeah! Yehaw, yehaw.

- [Crow] Woo hoo hoo.

- [Tom] Moon Zero Two.

- Well, he made his mark
on the Moon, all right.

- [Crow] Funny.

- Course for Moon City.

Oh, by the way, what's your
room at the hotel like?

- Why don't you find out?

- [Crow] I don't get it, what'd ya mean?

- [Joel] Right.

- [Crow] She want him
to paint or something?

- [Tom] Yeah.

- [Joel] They also have a
paint contracting outfit.

I hope this turns back into a cartoon.

Kinda to seal the whole thing up.

- [Crow] Yeah.

- [Tom] Bookend it.

- [Joel] What?

- [Tom] Kinda bookend it.

- [Joel] Yeah, yeah.

- [Joel] What was that one song?

- [Crow] Oh, the Wiener Man song?

- [Joel] Yeah, how does that go?

We have to get outta here.

♫ I wanna be a wiener man

♫ I will be a wiener fan ♫

(thumps)

- All right, it's the end of the movie.

Hey Gypsy, how ya doin'?

- Oh, I'm fine.

Okay, it's good to have
you back and it's time.

Thank you, Gypsy, you're good, okay.

Now, you know what we're gonna do next.

It's the movie review
game, and that means,

tell me a good thing and a
bad thing about the movie

and you get RAM chips.

(cheering)

- okay, Tom Servo, you go first.

- Well, this movie made my gorge rise.

- Okay, and a bad thing.

- Okay, seriously.

I thought the movie
provided an opportunity

for us to examine the various inaccuracies

often portrayed in air sot
space movies such as this one.

- I see, you're really
bucking for that RAM chip,

aren't you pal?

- Yep.

- Well, I like that you're
a good self-starter,

and I like the cut of your jib.

Here's your RAM chip, pallie, all right.

All right, Crow, how you doin'?

- Ah, fine.

- Do you wanna tell me one good

and a bad thing about the movie?

- Ah, it was groovy, and
I mean that in a good way.

- Okay, and the bad thing.

- It was groovy.

- Right, and you mean
that in a bad way, right.

- Yeah, exactly.

- All right, exactly okay.

Ready, you ready, girl?

Okay, tell me a good thing and
a bad thing about the movie.

- Richard Basehart.

- Richard Basehart, okay
well, you get a RAM chip.

Okay, good.

All right, okay, well, we
got another letter to read

and thanks for everybody
who's written in so far.

You really help us keep
goin' up here in space.

Cambot, could we have
that up on the screen?

This one comes from a
guy named Ryan Ricebrock

from Illinois.

Dear Joel, Tom Sirbol, and Crow.

- [Tom] Huh?

Tom Sirbol.

I'm 14 years old, I love your show.

I start laughing so hard
when you make comments

during the movie, tears come to my eyes.

Tom Sirbol is the best,
because his voice is so deep.--

- [Tom] Thank you.

- When he makes a joke, it sounds funny.

Like when he said, "oh, I hate
to shoot a butt like that."

- Oh, I hate to shoot a butt like that.

- All right, anyway, he later
asks about being Sirbol,

it's Tom Servo, but
it's an honest mistake.

Anyway, there's a picture here, too.

Show that Cambot.

He's really a good artist, actually.

So anyway, that ends the
experiment for today.

What do you think, sirs?

- What about the address?

- I got it, I got it, okay.

Send it to the Mystery
Science Theater 3000 Fan Club,

P. O. Box 5325, Hopkins, Minnesota 55343.

Send 'em quick.

- Not bad, not bad.

- Hey, how's my hair now?

- Go like this.

You look like Big Boy.

File that.

Until next time, Flabby Cakes.

("Moon Zero Two" theme music)