Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy - full transcript

-♪ In the not too
distant future ♪

♪ Next Sunday AD

♪ There was a guy named Joel

♪ Not too different
from you or me ♪

♪ He worked
at Gizmonic Institute ♪

♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit ♪

♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place ♪

♪ But his bosses
didn't like him ♪

♪ So they shot him into space

♪ We'll send him
cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst we can find

♪ La la la

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor his mind

♪ La la la

♪ Now, keep in mind
Joel can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪

♪ La la la

♪ Because he used
those special parts ♪

♪ To make his robot friends

♪ Robot Roll Call

-♪ Cambot
-♪ Pan left

-♪ Gypsy
-♪ Hi, girl

-♪ Tom Servo
-♪ What a cool guy!

-♪ Croooow!
-♪ He's a wisecracker

-♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts

♪ La la la

♪ Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax"

♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪

♪♪

-I really think this
is going to be it.

This is my year.

-You say that every year we goto the Mad Scientist convention.

-Ah, but this year is different.

They laughed when I made
the more painful mousetrap,

but my entrance into
the Mad Scientist competition

is going to make me
famous.

-Infamous.

-Ah, that too, that too.

-Dude, promise me if you
lose the contest this year

you're not gonna blow up the
whole convention center again.

-I only did that once.
-Oh. Huh.

-Okay. Twice.

Twice, it was --
-Three times.

-The third time
I use the incendiaries

and it didn't actually make
the building blow up.

It just made it
burn really quickly.

God, that was beautiful,
wasn't it?

-Okay, I'll give you that.

Oh, i-it's time
to call Joel now.

The experiment has to start.

-Right. Right. I know that.

Come in, Jolene, you
free-floating space ferret.

-While, sirs, I'm ready for
this week's invention exchange.

You know how they have airbags
for cars but they haven't

invented anything yet
for us motorcyclists.

So I came up with this --
the airbag helmet.

What do you think?
-Oh, great.

Get Ralph Nader on the phone
and then call Gary Busey.

-Is it our turn now?
-Yes.

-Okay. This is our invention
for this week.

It's called The Chalk Man.

-Yes. We're entering this
in the mad scientist

competition this year.

-We have other choices.

But this is the one
we're going with.

-This is very strong.
-All right.

Okay. You're throwing a party.

It's 3:00 a.m. and none of
the guests are leaving.

That's when you bring out
the Chalk Man.

-Yes, as every self respecting
scientists knows,

the sound of human fingernails
on a chalkboard

is most annoying.

It initiates
the primal fear response

in all mammals,
much like a chimpanzee

scurrying across the plains
of the Serengeti in fear.

Simply put your Chalk Man
on the platten.

Now, this is a real chalkboard.

-Put it on side "B".
-Side "B". Excellent.

And just you'll notice
the tone arm

has real human fingernails
embedded in the hand.

Now place it on the platten.

[Screeching]

Ugh. Open it.

-They'll stay.

-Close it.
-They leave.

[Screeching continues]

-Open it.
-They'll stay.

-Close it.
-They'll leave.

-Open it.
-Stay.

-And so on and so on
and so on.

Well, what do you think
of that Joel-meister?

-Wow, it's really annoying.

-Thank you.

-All right. So, uh, what's
this week's experiment?

-It's called "The Robot
vs. The Aztec Mummy"

and it's almost as annoying
as this Chalk Man here.

[Laughing]
-Yes, but first

we're going
to scour your palate

with a little cinematic
science fiction sorbet.

It's an old serial called

"Commando Cody and the Rocket
Men From the Moon."

Uh, be careful, Larry, I've
installed a new security system

here in Deep 13,
so, uh, be careful

which buttons you push
on the panel. All right?

-Oh, neato.
Okay, how does it work?

-Oh, well, uh, stand over there
on that mark

and, uh, pretend you're
from accounting.

-Okay.

You mean this mark here?
-Yes.

-Oh!

-Hmm, interesting.

-[Groans]

H-Here's your movie, Joel.

[Alarms blaring]
-Movie Sign!

[Metallic clanking]

[Screeching]

♪♪

Aw, you're getting too heavy.

-"A Republic Serial."

-Yeah, you ever heard
of serials before?

-Yeah. "Lights Out."
Oh, look it's pumpkin boy.

-No, it's not that kind of
serial, so it means a, uh --

-Oh, so it's a wheat thing?

-No, a movie that's in series.

-What?

-Oh, you'll catch on.
It's not a whole movie.

-Why would someone go
and see part of a movie?

-Uh...
I don't know.

-There's always a boring short.
-Yeah.

-My shorts are never boring.
-Thank you, Tom.

♪♪

-Is the music always
this poor in serials?

-[Laughs] Yes.

-I think I may get it, then.

-He's the heavy.

Can tell when the music
swells up.

-All right.

♪♪

I guess that's the end
of Chapter One.

Oklahoma. 1934.
The oil fields are ablaze.

♪♪

Holy.

-Hey, look, there's a sale
at Penney's.

-Big step, blowing up
everywhere.

-Maybe it's a fire sale.

-[Laughs]

♪♪

-New petition against tax law.

-"A continued wave of
death-dealing explosions

struck yesterday
at Area Defense Headquarters

as in previous occasions,
the authorities are unable

to detect the cause
of these blasts

which have done untold damage."-Who's that guy mixing drinks?

-Uh, Professor Tom Collins.

-There are several theories,
Joan,

but so far no one is even sure
what kind of explosives

are being used or how
they're set off.

Maybe Mr. Henderson will have
some information for us

when he gets in
from Washington.

-That guy Henderson wouldn't
tell you what time it is.

Just what is his job anyway?
-Maybe he doesn't have a watch.

-He really doesn't have any
idea but it's a big one.

He only answers to a few people in this country of ours.

I think that --
[Knock on door]

-And they're all named Sue.

-Hello, Mr. Henderson.
-Hello, Commando Cody.

-What time is it?
-Ted, Miss Gilbert.

How are you getting along
with the rocket ship?

-As well as can be expected,
sir.

Our test with the model
is satisfactory.

If the government will let us
make a few test flights

with the rocket --
-It's out of the question.

This whole project's
strictly top secret.

Since you people develop
the rocket ship for us

and we'll be the ones
operating it,

it has been decided that you
should know more of our plans.

-Gee, nice head,
-I'm authorized to to tell you

this much --
Its primary use

will be to combat this wave
of sabotage and destruction

of our defense system.
-Duh.

-You mean the government knows
what's causing it?

-Yeah, they read
the papers, too.

-Tests of the wreckage show

that the explosions
are of atomic origin.

-You mean someone's dropping
atomic bombs on us?

-Not bombs, no planes
have been observed

and the explosions
aren't severe enough.

-No. From what I've learned
of the nature of the blast

they seem more like
an atomic ray of some kind.

Of course, that's just a guess.

-It's the same guess
that we've made.

Because it's the only
possible answer.

-But no one has ever been able
to make an atomic ray machine.

-You mean no one on Earth
ever has.

-Ooh?
-Say, this rocket

we're building will be able
to fly to the Moon.

Maybe someone up there
has built one

that could get down here.
-We believe that possible.

And for some time our
astronomers have been noticing

an unusual amount of atomic activity on the Moon.

-Isn't any amount of atomic
activity on the Moon unusual?

-Atomic activity on the Moon.
Atomic blasts on the Earth.

The two known facts
fit together.

-Yes, it adds up.
-Like a grocery bill.

-So that's why you want us
to fly to the Moon.

-Yes. And when you
get to the Moon,

find out if these attacks are actually coming from there.

-And bring back some cheese.
-We'll try to devise some

plan for stopping them.

In the meantime, we'll do all we can with these attacks here.

-Is your flying suit
still working?

-No, it needs to be let out.
-Yes.

-We may ask you to use it.

If a ray gun is being
used to cause these blasts

it's probably being operated
from the ground.

And if you could get
to the scene of the attack

soon enough, you might
be able to find

some clue to the attackers.

-I'll be glad to try.
-Good.

-Or if we find out
what time it is.

-I'll call you as soon as we
get any information

about another attack.
-All right, sir.

-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

♪♪

[Train whistle blows]

♪♪

-There she is. Right on time.

-It's a train all right.

♪♪

-Whoa.

♪♪

Feels good, don't it?
-That did it.

-Nice shooting, Lionel.

-That train will be along soon.-Thanks, Tyco.

-All right.
I'll get out there right away.

Give me a hand with
the flying suit, Ted.

-Sure.
-You're gonna wear that tie

to flying?
-...just blasted out

in the west end of the valley.

A ranch reported they saw
a truck parked on a hill,

overlooking the tracks,
there's two men in it.

Working some kind of a gun.

They pulled out
right after the wreck

and headed toward Kern Hills.

Henderson's office gave me
a description of the truck

so I'm going off
to look for it.

-I suppose
you'll be wanting this.

-Yes, I'll take the gun too.
-I may need it.

♪♪

-Good luck, pumpkin boy.
Take your protein pills

and put your helmet on.

-Window!
-Window!

-Hello! Window!

-Boy, that was close.

♪♪

-I'm outta here.

-Oh. Oh, Mommy! Ooh!

-Good afternoon, ladies
and gentlemen,

we are cruising at approximately50 feet.

The captain has turned off
the "no screaming" sign.

And we just emptied
the washroom.

♪♪

-Looks like an atomic
nose-hair clipper.

-Supposed to come along
any time now.

♪♪

-Why do they hate trains
so much?

-Ah, it's not so much
that they hate trains,

they hate what they stand for.

-Oh, that clears everything up.
-Wait, what's that?

[Train whistle blows]

-Whoa.

♪♪

-Going down.

♪♪

-Jane, stop this crazy thing!

Oof.

-I think he's got
to take a leak.

♪♪

-Oh.

♪♪

-Luckily they won't see him.

-Now.

-He was cleverly disguised
as a Hershey's Kiss.

-I think he's just
drawing attention to himself.

[Chuckles]

-Why don't they shoot him
with the ray gun?

-Well, because even back then
in the movies, uh,

even the crooks had a sense
of fair play, Tom Servo.

-Okay. Uh, it's a serial,
Joel, not a movie.

-Right.
-A serial.

-Let's get out of here.
-Stupid.

-And leave the ray gun?
-What else can we do?

[Gunshots]-Well, you could take the truck.

-Nah.

-Much better to run in
the desert on foot

with no provisions or anything.

Can eat your gun.
-[Chuckles]

-Hey, it matches my helmet
and everything.

All I need is a Spark Master
Playset and I'm done.

-The loss of the ray gun
is not too serious.

I brought sufficient equipment
from the Moon

to build several of them,

but I do not care
to have the Earth people

learn the secrets
of our weapons.

From the description you gave
me of your attacker's costume,

it must have been Commando Cody

and his flying suit.
-Or Trash Can Head.

-He will probably
take our ray gun

to his laboratory
for examination.

So you must go there at once

and recover the atomic chamber
from the ray gun.

-That's a large order, Krog.

We were hired out to work
your ray gun.

This business of your --
-You were hired to do anything

that I may consider necessary
to pave the way

for our invasion from the Moon.

You're being well paid
for your work,

so do as you're ordered.

-Yeah, well, paid,
but in Moon rocks.

Maybe we can afford
one of your suits.

♪♪

-And this looks like
the right door.

-Is working on this gun
gonna hold up

finishing the rocket ship?
-Maybe.

-No. I'll just give it
a quick examination

and then turn it over
to the authorities.

We'll still be able to take off for the Moon next Wednesday.

♪♪

-Oh, I hate to shoot
a butt like that.

-Take it easy
and you won't get hurt.

Move back.

-That's exactly what
my aerobics instructor said.

-Grab it.

[Glass shatters]

-Yee-haw!

-Good thing scientists
are such good fighters.

-Yeah.
Scientist versus hired thugs.

Geeks and thugs.
You gotta love it.

♪♪

-Boy, they're using
a lot of breakaway chairs.

-Oh, I thought
that was a loose stool.

♪♪

-This is for Louis Pasteur.

♪♪

-They always fall.

-Excuse me, may I cut in?

-Another blow for science.

♪♪

1...

2...

3 strikes, you're out of there.

-Routine 27.

-And don't try to follow us.

-Tell your friends.

-Hey, they left the ray gun.

-Yeah, but they took
the batteries.

♪♪

-I didn't know Jackie Gleason
was in this.

♪♪

-They're in the middle
of a giant chess game.

-Hm. Fresh ground pepper?
-Calling Retik.

-Looked like a pepper mill.
You see?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, get it?

-Mm-hmm.
-I'm laughing hard inside.

-Come in, Krog.

-A rocket ship is leaving here
in five days

to investigate our Moon.

-I did not believe the Earth
men possessed a ship

capable of making the journey.

-I just learned
about it myself,

but I'm sure
my information is correct.

-Stop talking into
a shoe buffer.

-We will be prepared to take...

-He looks like Willard Scott.

-And don't forget the cheese.

And speaking of cheese.

♪♪

Oh, how I love him.

♪♪

-They're gonna launch
from a miniature golf course?

-It'll be fine if they clear
the windmill.

♪♪

-I still think this is
no trip for a woman.

-Now don't start that again.
You'll be very glad

to have someone along
who can cook your meals.

-I'll say we will.
Don't give her any...

-Yeah, and pretty soon
I'll be able to vote.

-I like to eat too.

-Nice ensemble anyway.

-Are the dicks coming with us?
-Uh, no.

W-We call them
police officers now, dear.

-Oh, I didn't know.
I can't even vote.

-Well, the best of luck
to all of you, sir.

Hope this thing works
all right.

-So do we.

Goodbye.
-Goodbye, sir.

-We'll just wait back here whereit's safe by the thrusters.

-Hiya, folks.
-Hello, Hank.

All set?

-All warmed up.
We can take off right now.

That is if the ship will stand
up the test we made

with the model.
-I think it will.

Now let's go.

♪♪

♪♪

Safety belts fastened?

-They're sitting
in office chairs.

-Fire power jets.

-Make sure you have
your staples.

-Lean back to simulate G-forces.

-Fire main jets.
-Everyone.

♪♪

Good.

♪♪

In case of an emergency,

your office chair becomes
a flotation device.

♪♪

♪♪

-Why, you'd hardly know
we were moving.

-Well, believe it or not, we are, a lot of miles per minute.

-She's living up
to the test we made.

Set a course for the Moon.

-Right.

-A lot of miles per minute.

-Here, file this, I'm going
to the washroom.

-Here sit in my seat.
I want to play with your stuff.

-Hey, triple word score.

Hey, is this a contraction?
You can't hyphenate.

-You know, I can make it
in half the time

if I had a straight edge.

-Sure is sunny in space.

-Just about here.

-Halfway on the compass.

-Looks like we're
on the right track.

-We ought to be down
to another two hours.

-Hope they have a HoJo's.

♪♪

-There's a city just ahead.

♪♪

-Where do we set down?

-Let's take her back
in those hills

where we can find a place
to hide the ship.

And I'll fly over the city
in the rocket suit.

-Okay.

-Yeah, a guy in a leather jacket

with his butt on fire,
they'll never notice that.

-[Chuckles]

♪♪

-Set her down in that canyon.

-Sir, can we land
the ship first?

-Okay.

-Man, the Moon looks
just like Arizona, you guys.

-Does it really?

-No.

-You should know.

♪♪

[Metallic scraping]

♪♪

-Here, let me help
you down there.

-Cut. Edit.

-One small step for man,
one giant leap for --

aiiiiieee!

-Must go through a lot of pants.

♪♪

-Hey, it's either ancient
Greece or Vegas.

Caesar's world.

-Hup.

-Well, this looks to be a wall.
I'll go this way.

-You are going in the right direction, Earth man.

-How'd they know my name?
-Enter the first door

you come to.

Turn that control.
-It's Bob Barker.

-The door will open.

♪♪

-Hm. Hot, cold. Open.

-I think on the Moon,
they get --

-[Whispering] Go on inside,
it's okay. Go on.

♪♪

[Rumbling]

-Excuse me.

-First floor, lingerie,
ready to wear, notions,

toupees,
-Moon Man.

-Three pays.

-[Chuckles]

♪♪

-I am Orkon.

This is my brother Xenon
and my other brother Xenon.

-Welcome, Commando Cody.

♪♪

♪♪

-I am Retik, ruler of the Moon.

-Apparently you were
expecting me.

-Of course, for many years
our radio

has kept us informed
of events on Earth.

And my men there have advised
me of your every move.

-I've loved you from afar.
-I see you have detected

our language.
-Yes, all our people

are required to speak English

so we can operate
more efficiently

in your country

-And wear underwear
on our heads.

-Mind telling me why your men
are carrying out

that campaign
of destruction on Earth?

-It's an election year.
-They are merely softening up

your defenses
for our impending invasion.

-Why do you want
to invade the Earth?

-Because the atmosphere
on the Moon has become so thin

and dry it is impossible
for us to raise food,

except in pressurized
greenhouses.

-Get a humidifier.
-None of us can move outside

without helmets.

So we are planning a mass migration to your world.

-You'll find that conquering
the Earth isn't so simple.

-Unless you bring treats.
-Ah, but it will be,

because of our atomic weapons.

On the Moon
we have an element, lunarium,

which is far superior
to uranium

as a base for atomic reactions.

And we can completely control
the force of these reactions,

enabling us to build
atomic weapons

ranging from huge canon

to these small ray pistols.

-Wish we had one of them
doomsday machines.

♪♪

-It's very considerate of you

to give me all this
information.

-You deserve some reward
for your long journey.

But unfortunately
I cannot permit you

to return to Earth with it.
-What lovely parting gifts.

-Maybe I have something
to say about that.

-Eat lead, space pansy.

-Oh, I thought
that was a smoke detector.

-So much for the effectiveness
of your weapons.

Now I will demonstrate
one of ours.

-Boredom?

♪♪

Not the pepper mill!

♪♪

-Seize him!

♪♪

-You can see they're a more
advanced civilization,

their furniture doesn't break.

-Huh.
-Oh, okay.

-Well, it tips over
but it doesn't break.

-Wait. Hold still.

Wait, I-- Ugh.

-No, not him. I love him.

♪♪

-No. Which one?

-No, not him.

-No, that would be wrong.

-I've got to shoot someone.

♪♪

-Oh. No.

He was one of my favorites.

♪♪

♪♪

-That was my aunt's vase.

-Well, we'd better
get out of here.

-Joel, carry me.
-I can't stand it.

Whew! I can't stand it.

-You're getting too
heavy for this.

♪♪

[Creaking]

[Whooshing]

[Dogs barking]

-What is that noise?

-What is it, Joel?

-Oh, I think I know
what's wrong.

Cambot,
follow me over here.

Look at 'em.
They're a bunch of --

seem like a bunch of demon dogs
or something.

-What are demon dogs?

-Well, they're like Chihuahuas
but without any flesh,

and it looks like
they're covering the ship.

Follow me back.-We got a couple problems, Joel.

-What are they, Crow?
-Well, first, uh,

they're covering the ship,
they're gonna weigh us down.

Our orbit's gonna start to decay

and we'll enter
Earth's atmosphere.

-We're gonna burn up.
-Crispy critter time.

-What -- What's number two?
-Well, as puppies go,

with no flesh, they got like
zero cuddle factor.

-Right. We got to get them
off the ship.

That's all there is to it.

I need a man, a volunteer,

somebody to go out there
and shoo 'em off.

-Oh, I think the choice
is obvious.

Who's got the mighty voice
a dog can't say no to?

-Uh, Lauren Green?
-Yeah, I was thinking

about that.
-I said who's got

the mighty voice
who dogs can't --

-You do, Tom Servo.
-Right. Okay.

Who's wicked awesome?
-Uh, The Clash?

-Devo.
-Who's the human

who can't breathe in space
to get dogs off the ship?

-Right. I can't, Tom Servo.

-All right. Okay. Who's bad?

-Tom Servo!
-Tom Servo.

-Who's bad?
-Tom Servo.

-That's right, I'm bad.

Now give me a rolled up
newspaper.

Don't bother to shut the door.
I'll be right back.

Keep my dinner warm.

-Boy, I'm glad
he's goin' out there, Joel.

I can't even look at a place --
a plate of spare ribs

without getting woozy.-Ah, don't worry about it, Crow.

Let's just watch the monitor
and see what happens.

-Okay. Puppy party's over.
Everybody off.

This is Tom Servo,
your worst doggie nightmare.

Don't get me mad. I don't think
you'd like me when I'm mad.

Oh, wait, stop it.
Put your legs down.

Oh, icky caca. Oh, let me in.
Oh, geez.

Next time
I'll rub your faces in it.

-Oh, Tom Servo,
what happened?

-Well, Joel, there's only
one way to put it.

They disgraced themselves
on me.

I feel so dirty.

-Hasn't affected your looks any.

-Aw.
-Yuck!

Gives me the willies.
Oh, why would anyone

want to do that to lovable
ol' me, Tom Servo?

[Sobs]
-Well, Tom, listen,

there's been something
I've been dreading

telling you since the day
of your creation.

When you were still
on the drawing board

I based your plans
on a fire hydrant.

-Oh, man.
You can look me in the bubble

and tell me that
I'm a public utility?

It's over.
I'm gonna go hose off.

♪♪

♪♪

-Okay.

-How do we get rid of
those demon dogs?

-I don't know. This is
the feature presentation.

-Castañeda?

I didn't know this
was gonna be a musical.

-Jorge Mondragon, he must be
playing the monster.

-No. I-It's the mummy.

-Robot?
-Yay!

-Versus the Aztec Mummy?
-Boo!

♪♪

-Alfred Salazar.

He's a boxer, isn't he?

♪♪

Garcia De Leon.

Fountain of youth guy?

-No.
-Oh.

-I do think Jose Li-ho
is the inventor

of that, uh, cream sandwich
though.

-Oh, okay.
-The Li-ho.

♪♪

-When in Mexico,
visit C.L.A.S.A. Studios.

-But don't drink the water.

-This movie is the producer'sanswer to "Montezuma's Revenge."

-When in Coral Gables, Florida,
visit Soundlab Inc.

and visit our glass-bottom
boats.

-When in San Fernando,
visit Manuel.

-And tickle his belly.
-Tickle his belly.

He'll shake his leg for you.

♪♪

-Nice title card painting,
don't you think?

-Yeah.
What is that? Kind of a mummy?

Mom Mummy.

-Must have taken minutes.
-Mr. Mummy.

-How far can the human mind
penetrate the mysteries

of the Great Beyond?

-13 feet, 4 inches,
1920 Olympics.

-This picture is based upon
an extraordinary experiment

carried out by Drs. Hughs
and Tooney

of the University
of Los Angeles.

-Ooh, ooh, Francis, ooh.

-There is no doubt
as to its authenticity...

-Except for our own doubts.

-...testimony of people
participating

in the experiment sworn to
by a notary public

preclude the possibility
of any fraud.

This picture is a combination
of factual data

mixed with fiction.

-Sort of like
the Iran-Contra affair.

-Mexico.
-This is the city,

my name is Friday.
I carry a badge.

I don't need no stinking badge.

-This is a real car.

The people, however,
are fictional.

-Their acting, however, is bad.

Real bad
-Real bad.

-Real slow too.

-These are two guys
with hats.

[Doorbell buzzes]
-I'm coming.

Just a minute.
-Hold onto your shorts.

-I'm coming.
-My legs are old,

my teeth are gray.
-Don't leave.

I'm coming.

-Good evening.
-Good evening

-Good evening.
-Good evening.

-Good evening.
-Good evening, sir.

-Good evening.
-Good evening.

-Good evening.
-Dr. Diaz, Dr. Esther,

what a pleasure to have you.

-Dr. Kildare.
Dr. Scholl. Dr Pepper.

-I hope you're feeling well.
-Very well, thank you.

And you?
-The same old laborers.

Always working.
-Trying to find new ways

to help patients die
painlessly.

-Funny.
-Please don't joke,

but won't you come in?

My husband is in there
waiting for you.

-I'm home this evening.

-It's no trouble, Doctor.
-We're delighted.

Who'd complain at having the
opportunity of visiting

with such a beautiful
young lady

as your wife, Flora?
-Flatterer.

-Isn't that Floyd the Barber?

-Fine, Doctor.
-Please sit down, gentlemen.

-Thank you.

-Hey, not everybody
sit with her.

Spread out. Come on.
-Floyd gets the comfy chair.

-Dr. Esther, I've taken the
liberty of calling you here

because I think it's time

I revealed something
very serious.

-Let's hear it, then.

-My underwear
is 100 years old.

-It's about the Aztec
breastplate

and the bracelet, gentlemen.
-How's that?

-I put them on at night
and dance.

-The whole thing
was forgotten long ago.

-It's a closed book, Doctor.

-That's exactly what
I thought too.

But things have happened lately

that I think you two
should know about.

My friends, be patient and
allow me to tell you a story.

-We can't.
-All of you already know

part of the history,
there are some things

that you ignore.
-Like you?

-I think the best thing to do
is to begin at the beginning.

-I think that's begin
at the begin.

-You both recall, do you not,

that occasion years ago,
five to be exact,

when we held a convention
on psychiatry in the city.

I attended and gave a talk
on the results of my studies

related to the regression
of a patient to a past life

through the use of hypnosis.

My theory was greeted with amazement and incredulity.

-You should have opened
with a joke.

-Among others attending that
day were you, Dr. Esther.

-Floyd the Barber.
-And you, Dr. Diaz.

-Of course,
Tennessee Ernie Ford.

-Dr. Krupp...
-And the evil

Judge Robert Bork.

-...was the subject
of ridicule.

And I left the convention
bitter and defeated.

-Same as always.

-I got to the house
feeling unsure of these ideas.

I'd been squelched,
but I just couldn't accept

the other opinions
of my theory.

-Have you ever been
squelched, Joel?

-I was sure they could
be proven.

That night Flora offered to
undergo a hypnotic test.

-She became Fauna,
my little house plant.

-Hey, it's Betsy Ross, you guys.

-Assisted by her father...
-In a cameo.

-...I hypnotized her.

During her past life,

Flora had lived among
the great people of the Aztec.

She told us such strange
things, amazing things.

-Naughty things.
-Far back in those

ancient years,
her name had been Xochitl.

She was deeply in love
with a brave and high born

warrior called for Popoca.

-They had a mad posh for hats.

-So they decided to run away

even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood

and be sacrificed
to the god Tezcatlipoca.

-The god of decaffeinated
coffee.

-But they were discovered
by the tribal priests.

-They prepared hearty soups
and broth

and forced them on their guests.

For they truly knew how to
handle a hungry man.

-This is, uh,
chicken noodle soup

that I let steep all day
in the sun,

it's like, uh, sun tea.

-Better than borscht.

-Yep.
-For your good health.

-See, Mommy's drinking it. Mmm.
Nom nom nom nom.

Open up, here's
the steam shovel.

Hot, hot.

-Nothing like a hot
steam shovel.

-Gets you goin' in
the mornin'.

-As punishment,
the warrior was buried alive

and an eternal curse
was placed upon him.

-Then things got bad.

-And then Zamfir, master
of the pan flute played.

But that didn't last long.

-As part of her punishment,
she was submitted

to the dreaded binocular joke.

-[Vocalizing]
-Then Ethel Merman

opened with a song.

-Oh, this is horrible.

-[Singing in native language]

-[Humming]

-Kinda like fingers
on a chalkboard.

-[Singing in native language]

♪♪

-Well, uh, that's better.

-Peeling the chrome off my body.

-[Vocalizing]

[Drumming]

-♪ That's a whole lot
of corn goodness ♪

[Drumming continues]

-Hey!

-Hey, it's a Peruvian All State
representative.

-He's stoned.
-[Laughs]

-The ceremony lasted
well into the night.

[Drumming]

-What a party.

-I've got rhythm in my diodes.

-Let's see, now, what can
we do with her hair.

Well, we could give her
a swingin' bob

or -- oh, she's
scheduled to die.

Just give her a blow
dry and a rinse.

-It doesn't seem fair
that they tease her hair

right before she's killed.

-Teasing's always bad.

-This has got to be one of themost boring rides at Disneyland.

You realize that, you guys?

-Aztecs of the Caribbean?

-How low will she go?

-Then she was bent at the waist.

-Hey, watch your hand, buddy.

-Kind of looks like "Dirty
Dancing," doesn't it?

-♪ I've reached the end
of my life ♪

♪ And I'm waiting for
the knife to fall ♪

-Man, look, it's the Jets.

-[Speaking native language]

-What's he saying?

-He's saying live fast,
die young,

and leave a good-looking corpse.

-That was years before
James Dean even existed.

-Xochitl was adorned
with the bracelet

and the breastplate, which were engraved with hieroglyphics

indicating where
the Aztec treasure was hidden.

Then they cut out her heart,

but as she began
to regain consciousness,

in the exact moment
I came to the end

of my little experiment.

She struggled
and began to shout.

-Aah! Aah!

-Flora had a terrible attack
of some kind

and her blood pressure
dropped to such an extent

that we were afraid
she might die.

But a couple of weeks later
we discovered that Dr. Krupp,

a man who had suddenly become
a dangerous criminal

in the underworld
had been there spying

during my experiment.

♪♪

The experiment had been
a complete success,

but since we realized
that no one would believe us

unless we could come up
with absolute proof...

-We decided to search
in the basement.

-...we decided to search
for the breastplate.

-I couldn't wait to show them
my bumper pool table.

-Flora acted as our guide.
-And my fine selection

of jams and jellies and compotesthat I had laid up.

-We discovered a passage in
the pyramid of Tlazolteotl.

♪♪

-Flora, our guide,
was tied to my waist

so we wouldn't be separated.

-Why Floyd brought the Beaver,
I don't know.

♪♪

-Oh, my, there's a light.

-We're thinking of expanding
this whole thing.

-Making a rumpus room.

-For our rumpus.

-And speaking of rumpuses,
there's Flora.

-Right foot, left foot, right,
left, right.

-Ah.

-We'll have this
blocking down in no time.

-Suddenly, there it was,
my six-sided bumper pool table.

♪♪

♪♪

-I think a swag lamp here
and a beaded curtain

would really brighten
the place up.

-♪ Once a jolly swag lamp
waited by the billabong ♪

♪♪

-Go that way.

♪♪

-There was no denying it.

We were walking in a circle.

♪♪

♪♪

-Professor. I think we're up
against a dead end.

-Can't be possible.

The Aztecs wouldn't build
a secret passageway

just to have an end up
with no rhyme or reason.

-Not the kind of Aztecs
you're used to dealing with.

-It's a cul-de-sac.

[Thumping]

-Professor,
it sounds hollow.

-Well, stop knocking
on my head.

-But it's so thick
that it's senseless

to try to break through.

-My head? Or the wall?

-I'll push.

♪♪

-Pinacate, lend me a hand,
please.

♪♪

-Not that hand,
your clean hand.

Oh, that wasyour clean hand.
-[Grunting]

-Helps if you grunt.

-Flora, come on.

-We jarred it open.

♪♪

-Go ahead, Beav.

-It's the same set
we were on before.

♪♪

♪♪

-It's the Phantom
of the opera.

[Thuds]
-Ouch!

-This must be a little
room beneath the pyramid.

-Good.

-But I know it
isn't the temple.

-Look what I found! Come here!

-A laundry chute.

-What is it?
-It looks like a well.

-Well, I think it's an air
shaft, but undoubtedly

it will lead us somewhere.
-Probably to the temple.

-Maybe the air.

-Well, then, what
are we waiting for?

-No doubt
it will advance the plot.

-Come on.
-Thin as it is.

-Women and children first.

I'll stand here
and hold the flashlight.

-Remarkable.
It was the neighbor's basement.

Once again, I could use their
VHS without them knowing.

We shoved everybody
through the little hole.

-After descending
several flights of stairs,

we suddenly encountered
the hair-raising face

of the god, Tezcatlipoca.

We had reached the lower temple and the Aztec tomb

that Flora had mentioned.

-And the lighting was good.

You could shoot a scene here.

♪♪

Lights, please.

-There we came across
the skeleton

of what had once been Xochitl.
-Buffalo chicken wings.

-On her chest,
the solid gold breastplate.

-Xochitl.

This is horrible
to think I was she.

-But you're you now.

♪♪

-You know, we're the first
persons to break in here.

-The other people use the door.

-It's a world that slumbered
all these years

and begins to awaken now.

We've found what
we wanted so badly.

-The sump pump.
-No, Edward. Don't do it.

-Do it, Edward, do it.

♪♪

-There's a Tootsie Pop
still in his mouth.

-That's Kojak.
-They really last a long time.

-The head should really
screw right off.

-This'll look swell
in my office.

♪♪

-Now, at last, I'll be able
to demonstrate this

to my colleagues
and prove my theory.

- It's simply amazing.
-Simply.

-Just a few days
after I got the breastplate

I asked you all here, including Dr. Krupp, as you'll recall.

-Certainly.

I'd say that it was
the greatest experience

of my life.
-And mine too.

-Me too.
-You must also recall

that I said that I'd study
the breastplate

and that I'd try to decipher
the hieroglyphics

and see what they meant.

Since I knew that the message

would tell how to find
that hidden treasure.

-Yes, but I remember
your telling

that you also needed
the bracelet.

-Exactly, Doctor.

One object complemented
the other.

-Her ensemble.
-Without the bracelet,

it was simply impossible to
decipher the code,

so I decided to go back for it.

In spite of the Aztec curse
that surrounded it.

-He who defiles
the tomb of the Aztecs

and finds the sacred plate
will run the risk of death

and his family as well until
the breastplate is replaced.

-And get big buckteeth.

-What is he, Rod McEwan?

-Lights.
-My good friend Dr. Pinacate.

So once again the three of us
got together

and returned to the tomb.

-This time loaded out
of our minds.

-When we reached there
and I was just about

to pick up the bracelet,

my father-in-law
stumbled on something

and called my attention to it.
-Ow!

-Look here!
-I stumbled on something.

-It's my foot. It's attached
to the bottom of my ankle.

Boy, were we drunk.

-It's an Aztec IUD.

-Look here. Doesn't that grave
belong to Popoca?

-Yes, according to
the legend, it does.

-In that case, where is he now?

[Shuffling footsteps]

-It was Scatman Crothers.

[Crinkling]

[Shuffling footsteps]

[Crinkling]

-Hey, this one says "flush twice

the cafeteria's a long way off."

-W-What's that?

Guys.

-I thought you said we were
the first ones here.

-Hey, zip 'em up, man.

Someone's coming.

[Zipper]

[Shuffling footsteps]

-We heard a strange
shuffling noise.

-♪ Me and my shadow

-And then out of the darkness
appeared a ghastly

and terrifying Popoca,

the Aztec warrior
had come back to life.

Come back to life
to retrieve the objects

that had been left
in his care for eternity.

♪♪

-[Squeals like a pig]

-Parrot boy.

-Guys, I'm not an animal.
[Slurps]

I'm a Aztec mummy. [Slurps]

-[Shouting indistinctly]

-Turn them off again.

Lights again.

-Aaah!
-It's a floor show.

-We better run off.
-It's a lovely singing voice.

-This guy's got a big career
in showbiz.

-Aaah!

Aah!

-That really hurt.

-No, juggling's not
in his routine.

-Aah.

-Aaaah.
-Pinacate.

-Guys, help me,
he's giving me a snuggie.

-Professor, h-help me.

-Pull!
-P-Pull me faster!

-[Grunting]

-[Groaning]

-A triple wedgie
from a mummy.

-[Grunting]

-Lights.
-To be perfectly frank,

I thought my time had come.

If it hadn't been
for my friends

I'd have been torn to pieces.

-It's incredible.

A mummy comes back to life

after hundreds of years
in a sepulcher.

-Dr. Diaz, you have my word of honor that the story

I have been telling
is the truth.

-Okay,
mixed with a little fiction.

Okay, I'm lying my butt off.

-Popoca was punished because
he loved young Xochitl.

His curse was to guard
the priceless bracelet

as well as the golden
breastplate, to do so

for all eternity.
-Or a hundred thousand miles.

Whatever came first.

-His poor soul would never
find repose.

-Continue, Edward.

-Well, The Bat, on many
occasions tried...

[All muttering indistinctly]
-...to steal these objects

that I'd found.
-You need to mop in here.

-Right?
-I thought the whole business

had been forgotten.

But I found that the Aztec
curse still followed us.

One night, the mummy
came to this house

to get his treasure pieces,
and he kidnapped Flora.

♪♪

-Oh, man, I don't think I can
handle the sound of those dogs

barking anymore, at least
the theater's soundproof.

-Too bad, they might
drown out the sound

of that big dog on a film.
[Knocking]

-What is it, Tom Servo?

-I think, yeah, Joel, I think
one of those, uh, demon dogs

is doing the "shave and ahaircut" knock at the back door.

-What?
-What is it, fella?

-[Barks]
-I think he's trying

to tell us something.
-[Barks]

-Dad?
-[Barks]

-He's trapped?
-[Barks]

-Under a rock?
-[Barks]

-Down in Dead Rock Canyon?

-Stop patronizing me, you,
and open this door.

-Don't let him in.
-Hey, come on in here.

Hop up. Come on up. Come on up.

Oh, oh, not on the furniture.
That's not good.

-I am Enoch, king and
charismatic leader

of the dog people. Bark, bark.

-Cute.
-We have traveled many parsecs

to pray to the Giant Bone
and just maybe get a taste.

-Giant dog bone?

-Yes, but we did not know
the bone would be inhabited.

-Hm, Joel,

I think the bone they're talkingabout is our ship.

Hey, Cambot, put
the schematic drawing

of the Satellite of Love,
the 2525, up on screen.

I think it's under "2525"
in your files.

-Wow. It looks exactly
like a giant dog bone.

-Not just any bone,
but the sacred nylon chew toy

written of by the Holy RuddWeatherwet -- Rudd Weatherman --

Joan Embery.

Our intention
was to bury you

on the far side of the Moon.

But now we'll have to
change our plans.

-Wow. Well, listen,

you've got to get
your followers off our ship.

There's so many of them
and they're multiplying

at such an alarming rate
that we're gonna go

into the Earth's atmosphere
and explode.

-Yeah, and then
you'll be hot dogs.

-[Growls]
-Hey, come on, Crow.

-Hey, watch it, watch it.
-Come on, he's --

-Not to be a problem,
at my signal,

the dogs will leave.

But they will obey me
and only me.

First,
let us exchange pleasantries.

Then, we will drink tranya.

-From a dish on the floor, boy?

-Crow, no, stop it, listen.
-Hey, hey, hey.

-He hasn't even met everybody.
You probably al--

Well, except for Tom Servo,
right?

-Ah, the attractive one.

-Hey, watch it, pal, you're
looking at 100% prime cut

American robotic male
and I don't party with puppies.

I'm out of here.
-Oh.

Well, my name is Joel
and I'm from the planet Earth.

Where I come from,
dogs are man's best friend.

-You're kidding.
-Yeah, it's true.

And, uh, you met, uh,
Crow over here.

-Shake, boy, shake.

-I don't like this bird one.
-Hey.

-But now I'll explain how to
rid your ship of the dogs.

-Oh, y-- wait a minute,
you haven't met Gypsy yet.

This is Gypsy.
-Ow, ow, ow.

-Hey!
-Gypsy, no.

Gypsy, no.

Come on. Oh.
-Hey.

-Oh, no, we're kibble.
-Way to go, girl.

-Movie Sign!
-It's back on?

[Whooshes]

[Whooshing]

[Screeching and creaking]

-He tied her to the
sacrificial stone...

-Come on, let's go.

-...where the skeleton
of Xochitl

had lain for centuries.
-Here.

-♪ Tied up, sleeping Flora
around the altar stone ♪

Hey.
-Obviously the mummy intended

to make history repeat itself.

He was going to cut out
Flora's heart

and offer it to the God
Tezcatlipoca.

The three of us rushed to the pyramid to try to rescue Flora.

And we stood transfixed for
a moment at the scene we saw.

The mummy was standing
next to the stone,

he was holding a knife high
in his right hand.

I jumped to the floor
and luckily

he was able to hit the knife
with a bullet.

-Cool.

-It lunged at me and its
enormous hands

got ahold of my throat.

Life was leaving me rapidly
when Flora's father

suddenly held a cross up in
front of its face.

-Which was odd because
he was Jewish.

-He was able to hold the mummy
at bay while we freed Flora.

In a frenzy, we untied her

and got her away
from the stone.

Then the professor ordered us
to get her out of the pyramid.

-Get out of the pyramid.
-His tone was so adamant

and I was so concerned
for Flora's safety

that we obeyed him blindly.

But when we got out I realized

that he hadn't followed us.

-Floyd's out, thank God.

Oh, what about Opie?

-In that very instant
a tremendous explosion

shook the pyramid.

-Oh, explosion. Yes.

♪♪

-The professor had given up
his life in order

to save ours.
-And his career.

-The mummy had stayed
under tons of boulders

and The Bat
had been sent to prison.

-The Bat?
-Of course, we thought

the whole business
had come to an end,

but it didn't happen that way.

-Who's The Bat?
-The Bat,

who is really
the infamous Dr. Krupp.

-Oh.
-Dr. Krupp?

-He broke out of jail.

In his mad determination
to get my treasure,

he kidnapped my daughter
and Flora

and then hypnotized her.

-Do tell us the rest,
my friend.

Then what happened?
-In this state,

she took the doctor
to the Aztec tomb.

He immediately
located the mummy

taking the breastplate
and the bracelet.

Well, Krupp called me on the
phone not too much later.

I was ordered to go there
and decipher the hieroglyphics

to enable the demon
to locate the treasure.

-And you agreed?

-Can't you see that I had
to obey?

To save my wife who had been
kidnapped by the doctor,

and my little girl.
-But there's another thing

that you should know.
-He needed the Aztec treasure

for a spot on his wall
in the rec room.

-He needed that Aztec treasure
to work on an experiment.

He also said that
the experiment,

of course, was costly.

-Now you know
how I was forced to do it.

I went to Krupp's laboratory

and began to decipher
the hieroglyphics.

Tens of those criminals.
Lives were in grave danger.

Our only hope was
that the mummy,

guided by unknown forces

would be able to find
Dr. Krupp's hideout

just the way he'd found my
house on a previous occasion.

-He could call information.

-I dragged the thing out
as much as possible,

but the moment arrived
when I could stall no longer.

I finished it.

-That's fine.

-Let's see here.
"We the people of..."

Hey, this'll work.

-Oh, yes.
You know what to do now.

Don't you, Bruno?
-Start a victory garden?

-Have a bake sale?
-Support Radio Free Europe?

-Collect shiny things?

-Buy bonds where
you work a bank?

-Get a gun?

Get a gun,
that's a good thing.

-He always resorts
to violence.

-Just what are you
going to do?

Murder us?
-What do you think?

-No, I'm going to kill you.

-You unscrupulous pig!

-Mummy's home.
Now you're gonna get it.

-Bullets bounce right off.

-Or go right through.

-Doesn't really matter.

Yeah, keep shooting, Bruno.
It's gonna work, really.

-Aah!

Ah!

-Beautiful.
-[Screams]

-Oops.

-Right where it hurts.

-On the floor.

-Aah!

-He's wearing a smoking jacket,
you guys.

[Gunshots]

-I'm out.
-Whoa!

-There's some furniture
he missed.

-Aah!

-Ooh.

-I saved the Beaver.

I saved Flora.

♪♪

♪♪

-Look out.
-Come on, Beav,

let's go check this out.

♪♪

-They seem stunned.
-No!

Doctor, help me!

Can't you hear?!

No!
Help me!

-Yeah, you're first on our list
of people to help.

-Please help me!
Help me!

-Then we realized
who the criminals were

and settled accounts with them.

Then when he saw the doctor
trying to escape,

he picked him up
like a rag doll

and threw him into
a pit full of rattlers

-Every good laboratory
has a pit full of rattlers.

-[Screaming]

-Or would that be a bad touch?
-Yeah, I think so.

-We were tired, but it was
a good kind of tired.

-Mummy's done cleaning.

-Afterwards with
the breastplate

and the bracelet in his hand,

he slowly shuffled away
into the darkness

and soon was lost from sight.

I'll never forget
the strong affection

I had for Flora's father.

Such a kind man
who's intelligent advice

brought about our salvation.

-And the mummy?
Went back to the pyramid?

-No, he had two nights
at the Copa.

-The explosion destroyed
his temple.

He had no reason to go there.

-In that case, can't you tell
us where he is?

-Permit me to continue.
-Hey, it's your movie.

-All these tragic happenings
couldn't go unattended.

So I went to the police and they heard the whole story.

Then I returned to Krupp's
hideout accompanied

by the chief of police
and a couple of his men.

You can imagine our surprise
when we discovered

the place was completely empty.-Except for all this garbage.

♪♪

-The laboratory had been
dismantled

and the bodies of the criminals that at the mummy had killed

had also disappeared.
-They were dismantled as well.

Continuing our search,
we hurried to the snake pit.

I was awestruck when I realized that the body of Dr. Krupp

was no longer down there.

-Aww.

-Then to our horror,
we discovered

that there was a small door

in the back wall of the pit

through which the doctor could
have escaped.

-He was such a large man.
How could he?

-Obviously, the doctor
had escaped,

and strangely I don't think he'd been bitten.

-The man's running loose.
-So that would mean

that the doctor kept trying
to combine those articles

so that he could locate
the treasure.

-You're right, my friend,
he did just that.

He began to bother us
a couple of weeks later.

It happened quite suddenly,
you see.

One dark night.

-This is the house.

-Do you really think this
plan of yours

is gonna work, Doc?

-You'll see.
Now, I want you to be quiet.

Keep still and don't make
the slightest noise.

-Peas and carrots, peas and
carrots, peas and carrots.

[All grumbling]

-I wish that you
come to my side.

Flora, I command you
to come to me.

-I think he's using teleflora.

-Flora, I command you
to come to me.

-Use the door bell.
-Doorknob.

-Flora, are you listening?
Come here to me.

-Is he speaking into his glove?

-Must be a party line.

♪♪

-976 Flora?

♪♪

-Stand up.
-Wear something sheer.

-Put on a housecoat. -Flora, do not try to fight it.

Come here.

-Notice you never
actually see her get dressed.

Open the door this time,
don't walk through it.

-Good girl.
-Well done.

-That'll save some repair work.

-Hey, close it all the way.
Were you born in a barn?

-Flora, do not try to fight it. Come here.

-Step, step, step.

Kick, step, kick.

-Right, left, right, left.

Okay, it's all flat
from here, Flora.

Oh.

She's not falling for it.
-No.

-She's no pushover.

Loud clock.

And kettle drum.

-Flora, are you listening?

I command you to come to me.
-I'm comin', I'm comin'.

-Flora, you ought to do
as I command. Come here.

-Digging for gold,
Bruno?

♪♪

-Okay, Bruno, when she passes
in front of the car,

honk really loud.
-[Imitates car horn]

-Love me
and my deformed friend.

-You can hear the waves
that are being

sent out by that mummy,
can you not?

-And the guy in the car.
-I know well that you are able

to lead us to him.
-Yes, I can.

-Then tell us,
where is Popoca?

-The "Beer Barrel Popoca?"

-In the ancient cemetery.
-Come with me.

♪♪

-Is the ancient cemetery
denominational?

♪♪

-Meanwhile, in the
ancient cemetery,

they were looking for the mummy.

But first, let's kick over
some gravestones.

-You know, that would
make another

excellent miniature
golf course.

Like the other movie.

-Each hole would be deadly.

-[Chuckles]

That last step is a doozy.

-Low overhead.

-But grave consequences.

-Yikes.
-Sorry.

-I'll shut you off.
-Don't do it.

-Come on, Bruno. Keep up.

And stop picking your nose.

Look, Peter Graves.

[Laughs]

-Who's buried in Peter's grave.

-James Arness.

♪♪

-What are you doing here?

Answer me.
What are you doing here?

-We're hitting people.
Come now, Flora.

-Must have been a disposable
character, I think.

♪♪

-Shuffle, shuffle.

Step, step, step.

-No need to hurry.

The plot will support all
of this sort of slowness.

-Lions and tigers and bears,
oh my.

Lions and tigers
and bears, oh my.

Lions and tigers and bears,
oh my.

-Lions and t--

♪♪

♪♪

-You see, this
will be our new home.

You'll see,
there'll be you and me,

and Bruno makes three.

-And my little deformed friend.

♪♪

-Is this the place?
-Yes.

-Knock twice.
Tell 'em Sam sent ya.

-Shh! You trying to
wake the dead?

-It's open.

At least carry her
across the threshold.

-Sure am glad Flora wore
her phosphorescent dress.

-Don't you know that's the curseof the money, Cr--

mummy, Crow?
-Curse of the mummy?

-Yeah, it's being --
not being able to dress

when you rob a grave.
-I hate that.

I've had this dream before,
I'm in my pajamas,

I'm in a crypt, I'm being chasedby a big banana.

-Oh, man, his face looks
like cottage cheese.

It looks like a diet plate.

-You devil. You stinking devil.

Oh, I'd like to chop your
rotten flesh to pieces.

-Bruno, stop letting hate
run your life.

-Who's he's hiding
his face from?

-Uh, his agent, I think.

-I'm going to make
my experiment.

So we must wait.

-Wait? Wait!

When I got so much hate eaten
down deep inside of my guts,

you ain't got no idea
what it is to live like this.

-Oh, man, look, they taped
plastic puke to his face.

-Just because of that
stinking monster.

-Your face could hold a
three-day rain, Bruno.

-I promise you
that he'll be destroyed.

-[Whimpers and sobs]

-But give me time.
Just a little time.

It won't be too long before
you can have your revenge.

Let me get
the breastplate first.

And the bracelet.

-It looks like it scabbed
over nicely.

-And yet so far because
I can't touch them.

It's too dangerous to do it.

He'll wake up in an instant
and destroy us.

-Sounds okay to me.

-But I get them back.

I swear it.

No matter how long it takes me, you devilish mummy.

-He looks like Mr. French.

-Line?

♪♪

-Come on, we'd better go now.

We'll be needing
a lot of time

if the plan I have
is going to work out.

-Anything you say.

-Can and will be used
against you.

-Come, Flora.

♪♪

-Wow. Lot of good
acting in that scene.

Joel, what was the point of
this little, uh,

little scene here?
-I don't know.

I think they're just staking
out a location to come

and shoot here later when theyhave something meaningful to do.

-Oh.-You know, I really dig ya, hon.

Can I call you again?

-You think he'll kiss her now

or wait till he gets
to the door?

-Always a better policy
to kiss on the steps.

-Ah.
-Or by the car.

-Or under the car.
-Or on the mouth.

-Ew.
-Go up to your room

and you'll go to sleep,

and when you awaken, you'll act quite normally.

-You'll be refreshed
and invigorated.

-Do you understand?

You won't recall a thing.

Now walk.

-Like an Egyptian.
-Go on.

-Bruno, do that thing
with the car horn again.

I love that bit.

-[Imitates car horn]

-[Chuckles]
She falls for it every time.

♪♪

♪♪

-Done this scene before,
only at night.

-♪ I feel pretty
-Well, good morning.

-♪ Oh, so pretty
-Good morning, sweetheart.

You must have been very tired.

We were waiting down here
to have breakfast with you.

We could both eat a horse
-Bacon and eggs like always?

-Nothing for me, Maria. I have
a terrible headache, dear.

-What's that you've got
on your gown?

-It's all dirty.

-Looks like dead, dried flesh.

-You've been down in the cellar.

-No, sweetheart. I don't know.

-But look at your slippers.
They're all muddy.

-And you pitted out your gown.

-Hold on.
What have you been up to?

-Just cavorting with mummies
all night.

-It's funny.
These are new slippers.

I just bought them,

and now they're dirty.
-And so are you!

-I think you went out
last night.

-No. After I took my bath,

I went to bed
because I was tired.

-Yes, but you got up later on,
didn't you?

-I did?
-Who's the kid?

-No.
-Yes.

Because I woke up a couple of
times and you were not in bed.

-No, you're mistaken, darling.
I assure you.

-Get that kid out of there.

-You went out last night.
Honest, Mom.

-Come on. Let's forget the wholething for now, all right?

-Floyd looks confused.
-Remember,

she has a great imagination.

Tell me,
has your headache passed?

-No. I'm going to lie down
for a while.

Excuse me, please.

-And I don't like the smell
of this conversation.

-You children go on
and have your breakfast.

-Yes, Daddy.

-Come on, Pinacate.
I want to talk to you.

-Oh, boy.
What a liar you are!

-You shut your big mouth!
You're the liar!

-You can't even act yourself
out of a paper bag.

You'll never work
in Coral Gables again.

-I'm very worried.

This attitude
that we've observed

in Flora is not normal.

What's more, I'm afraid that
The Bat"

has something to do with this.

-Maybe she should choke up
on it a little bit.

-You really think that child
was telling the truth about it

and that her mother got up
and went out?

-Yes, it's quite probable.

But Flora insisted she didn't
leave her bed for a second.

-Because she can't recall
anything.

When she got up last night,
she was sleeping.

-I don't understand it.
It seems impossible.

-I'll tell you what I think --
she was hypnotized

and could be under
post-hypnotic suggestion.

So it seems to me
that The Bat controls her

from a distance.
-With sonar.

-It's logical.
-What a sleuth.

-This strange attitude in Flora

indicated that unscrupulous
villain Krupp

made her leave the house
during the night.

-But where did they go to?

-Can't you guess
what he's trying to do?

-No.

-You certainly know
what he's after --

The breastplate.

-And besides that, the bracelet.

-And the snappy Coco Chanel
pantsuit.

-And you think that she
was made to go along with Krupp

and he wanted her
to guide him to find the mummy?

-Exactly.
And you and I must go there.

I'm going to find out if that
scoundrel stole those objects.

-But that will be difficult.

You can't investigate
without any clues.

-Floyd's a great barber,

but not a very good detective.
-Yes.

-Neither of them
are very good actors.

-Well, that goes without saying.

-He smokes very well, though.

-If loving you is wrong,
I don't want to be right.

-Suppose we took her slippers
to the laboratory

to have that mud analyzed?

That could help us,
don't you think?

-I can tell you
what kind of slippers there.

-Yes, that might just be
the solution.

We'll take them, but I don't
think she should find out.

We'd better do it all in secret.-Yeah. Secret.

-We'll get in disguise.
We'll be women.

-Yes. No I'm quite sure
it's embedded in the dirt.

-They're slippers.
-Of course,

it's a small quantity, doctor,but your suspicions are correct.

-They're pieces of marble.

-You're sure it's marble?

-Marble?
-Can you identify its source?

-Cat's eye.
-No, it isn't.

But it's a fine quality.
-Classy.

-It might be a Carrara marble.
I can say that.

-Maybe a puri.
-It's used in the construction

of mausoleums, as far as I know.

-♪ Ohh
-Thank you.

-She went out late at night
and played marbles.

What could it mean?

♪♪

-Meanwhile,
back at the other set.

-Fortunately, it was still lit.

♪♪

-This is the last cemetery.
We've seen all the others.

If we don't find anything here,
we'd better forget about it.

-Hello, there!
-Good evening.

Tell me, are you
the watchman here?

-Yes, sir.
Anything I can do for you?

-Why, yes. We'd like to ask you
a few questions.

-We'd like to know if you've
seen anything strange

the last few weeks,
or more recently --

Anything very suspicious
in or around the cemetery

pertaining to one of the graves.-Just the film crew.

-Are you from the police?
-Yes, that's right, my friend.

And we're after
a very dangerous criminal

whom we suspect has been hiding

in one of the cemeteries
around the city.

-Well, the fact is that issomething pretty doggone curious

did happen just two nights ago.

I was surprised to run into
a young woman here

wearing a kind of white robe.

She seemed to be asleep,

and two men entered the grounds
with her.

-He's not gonna flashback,
is he?

One of the guys slugged me,
and they left me out cold.

-How do you think I got
this swell head?

-Then we'll be taking a look
around the grounds.

-You can do anything you want.
Anything you want.

-You're the police.
-Don't touch him. He's filthy.

-You see? I was right.
At last we're on the trail.

Now the tough part
is yet to come.

Because we've got to walk aroundtill we find the mummy.

-Look, we'd better separate now.

Go that way, Pinacate.
I'll go over there.

-Separate?
-But I love you.

-Go on.

-[As Jerry Lewis] Ow! Dean!

Don't li-- Ow! Ow!

Hey.

Oh, scared and mummy and whoa!

[Dramatic music plays]

-[As Jerry Lewis]
Oh, very bad. Ow!

Oh, Dean-o! Ah-ah-ow!

-Lions and tigers and whoa!
-Ohh, tree, wow!

-[As Jerry Lewis]
Oh, ooooooooh!

-Scared and tree and whoa.

-Ohh!
-Ohh!

-Dean-o!
-[Normal voice] Hey.

-Oh. Ohh.

Beware all who enter, whoa!

-Am. Ooh.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Whoa, Dean.

-Dean-o!
-Dean-o!

-Where are you? Wow!

-[As Dean Martin]
Jerry. Jerry. Where are ya?

I can't find you.
Come on, Jerry. Where are ya?

Come on.
Say something to me, boy.

♪♪

-Dean, over here!

-Oh, there you are.
Quit horsing around.

We've got a mummy to find.
-Come here.

♪♪

-What happened?

-[Normal voice]
I'm going to get out of here.

-[Normal voice]
I'm getting out of here.

-Whoa! Joel!
-Hope those dogs ain't around.

♪♪

♪♪

-Come on.

♪♪

[Static]

[Dogs barking]

-I just don't see it at all,
guys.

-Come on, Crow.
I think it'll work.

You're the only one of us
who even looks a little bit

like Enoch, dude.

-No. My brow's all different.
I'm just -- No.

-[Normal voice]
Oh, it's there. I see it.

[Quietly] Joel, be sure
to wipe down his nose, huh?

Boy, if I were a demon dog,

I'd just, uh, bow down and kneeland bow to you.

-I'm already starting to miss
that old Enoch.

You know, I almost cried
when he left.

Just like when Old Yeller
got shot.

-Oh, Crow, come on.
It'll be easy.

You go out there,
you say to the demon dogs,

"Come on, everybody! Let's go!
I'll be right behind you!"

You duck back in. It's easy.

-Great advice coming from
Mr. Fireplug.

-Hey. Take it easy, you two.
-Hey.

Listen, if worse comes to worse,

just tell them
The Satellite of Love

is a giant chicken bone, okay?

You look great.
Now just go do the job.

Be regal.
-All right.

I like Charlie McCarthy.
-Let's watch on the monitor.

-All right. Quiet down.
Quiet down.

Ahem! I am Enoch.

I am your lord and charismatic
leader, remember?

And, uh...Hey, what's the leash law here?!

[Urine spraying]
Hey! Oh! Hey! Hey!

-Oh, he's getting it. Ooh!

-Hey, curb your buddy
over there. Aw!

[Groans]

[All groaning]

-[Chuckles] Kind of a warm
feeling, eh, Crow?

-Well, I think it went
kind of well, you know?

They were eating out of
the palm of my hand --

till I ran out of treats.

-And speaking of treats,
we'll be right back.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-They're in the crypt.
Demon dogs everywhere.

♪♪

-What to do? It's scaring me.

-You get all that stuff
off you, Crow?

-Yes, I did.

Great idea.

-Look, the breastplate
and the bracelet.

-They didn't take it.

-All this I've just told you
occurred almost five years ago.

we visited the crypt from time
to time

to take a look at the mummy

with its breastplate
and its bracelet, too.

-And the snappy
Coco Chanel pantsuit.

-The Bat, is he still around?

-You know,
he disappeared from sight.

Then just a couple of days ago,

we read an article
that is very interesting.

We were profoundly
surprised by it.

According to the article,
a couple of nights before,

a cadaver had been robbed
from the amphitheater.

-Abracadabra?
-And the individual who did it

was The Bat, of course.
-Yes.

In the beginning,
we had some doubts.

The man who had been attacked
couldn't offer us

a description of his assailants,

but later on, our suspicions
were conferred.

-Don't play with that.

-Yesterday, there was a burglaryin the radiology Institute.

The thieves took a machine
that uses radium.

They also stole a brain
out of a laboratory.

-Ick.
-Excellent.

-This time, the police were
able to identify the crooks

as The Bat and all his band.

-We're covering a plot hole withasphalt here.

-Are there any good clues,
doctor?

-Lead is the only metal capable
of resisting radiation.

Lead material in the city
is handled by many wholesalers.

After visiting the first
three or four...

-They got to the right one.

-Good morning, sir.
-Good morning.

What can I do for you,
gentlemen?

-We're sorry to be a bother
to you,

but is it just possible
that lately you set out

a large shipment of lead?

Could you give me that
information?

-In the last two days?

-Or it could be a week,
more or less.

-Let me check.
-Five years, maybe.

-We keep a record of
our shipments in this book.

-Why, yes, we sent
a lead balloon

to the writers of this film.

-Yes. Here it is.

Exactly five days ago, we made
delivery of twenty plates

of lead shielding four inches
in width

to number 22 Shade Street.
-To a man called "The Bat."

-Many thanks.
-You're welcome.

-I can't believe he told us.

-After investigating for days,
at last, we got the address.

I think The Bat
had made his hideout there

or his laboratory.
-Or his nest.

-I don't see why this
thieving Doctor Krupp would go

to the habit of stealing radium,a complete human brain,

and also the body of some man.
-He's nuts.

-Do you recall that The Bat oncetold Flora that he was working

on a new experiment?
-Mm-hmm.

-I think that
is the explanation.

-Ahh.
-It's possible,

but there's no doubt that
Dr. Krupp and his criminals

are planning to cause trouble.
-That's what criminals do best.

-Now I'll tell you why I called
you here tonight, gentlemen --

because you both are scientists.-And we like boring stuff.

-You should be able to combat
the situation

just in case we...end up
being murdered.

-You mean to say you two
are thinking of going there

without taking the police along?

-Yes, because you see,
we're still not sure

that that's The Bat's
laboratory,

and the police still don't
have much faith in us

because of what happened before.

-We just need to check
for bat droppings.

-Flora?
-Guano.

-In case we're not back here
at the house

by 3:00 in the morning,

I'm leaving it up to you
to call the police.

-Sell everything.
-Edward!

-Let's kiss.
-Hey, watch it! Watch it!

-[Slurping]

-Lights.
-Looks painful.

-Betty Crocker test kitchens.

-Let's see. One, two, three.

Okay, it forms
three creamy layers.

No wait. Three layers --

a creamy layer,
a gelatinous layer,

and -- Damn it!
I must find that formula!

♪♪

♪♪

-Pop Rocks seem to be
moving along nicely.

♪♪

And those, uh,
M&M'S are almost done.

-Oh, my God. He's torn apart
the Michelin man.

Bib, buddy, it's us!
Pull yourself together!

Oh, how horrible.
He even slashed his spare.

♪♪

-Freeze, you two.

-This looks like it was shot
with a security camera.

♪♪

-Dr. Almada...

what a pleasant surprise.

-Bruno?

-No. Kitty Carlisle.
Who do you think it is?

-A souvenir of the mummy.

The boss is gonna be very happy
to say hello to you two again.

Come along.

-This is the kind of film
you won't put on pause

when you leave the room.

-It encourages you
to go to get a sandwich.

[Thunder rumbling]

-Boss.
-Kind of like TV repellent.

-Look what I found
out in front.

-Dr. Almada and his shadow.

This is a pleasant surprise,
gentlemen.

-I'm not his shadow.

-I come face to face
with such good friends.

Exactly where did you find them?

-Out in the shop there
looking around.

-I offer you
my congratulations,

because you are magnificent
detectives.

Did anyone else come with them?

-Nobody else.

I saw them when they drew up
in the automobile alone.

-Bruno. Aren't you going
to attend our guests

the way they deserve?

Go fetch chairs
for the gentleman.

Sure. Right away.
-The electric chairs.

♪♪

Tell me, how's your
beautiful and charming wife,

Dr. Almada?

I learned about your marriage,

and I admit it's a bit late
to say it,

but receive my congratulations.

-And take this toaster
and fondue set as a gift.

-How are you these days?

Are you still
the champion of right?

There's no doubt about it.
And I'm glad.

-No, I'm just a shadow.

-Come over here.

♪♪

-Start the music.-They're playing musical chairs.

-How horrible.

Next they'll be pinning
the tail on something.

-Who would have thought?
-Who would have thought

that you'd be here at the momentto witness this.

Because you're about
to see something

that will astonish you,
truly unbelievable.

[Chuckles]

When you feast your eyes
on this,

I don't doubt that you'll be
amazed, doctor.

And you'll be the first
to congratulate me.

-That it's a robot.
-Frankly, I'm happy that you

came here to visit us,
Dr. Almada.

-Quiet. He's building.
-Oh. I'm sorry.

You're a man who is basically
an intellectual,

and that's why
you will be able to understand.

-That you hurt inside.

-You're basically an overeater.

-I think you remember
that time we met.

Since then, I've worked
day and night

without resting for a minute.

And during all that hectic time,

I explored powers
that no one else knows --

All those great mysteries,
the very basis of creation.

-Then that means that you defy
all the limits

that were put down by God.
-Hmm. Maybe.

-There are certain secrets
that we could explore

and discover rapidly.
-Just toying with God law's.

-And that's why it's such a
shame that fear impedes us so,

Dr. Almada.

-You're completely mad
and ignorant, also!

-Thank you!
-Thank you!

-Every mad scientist
has one of these speeches.

-Don't you respect research
at all?

Don't you want to learn to know
why your body functions?!

I do!
And at last, I found the cause!

-Take a look at this heart
that's beating!

It lives! It lives and pulsates
because I gave it life.

And if I can give life...

-Doesn't have very good rhythm,
though.

-Why can't I give it
to the bodies

that are damned to death
and decay?

-Then why can't you give it
to the script?

-No one can possibly imagine
how I worked

when I dug in the mud
with these hands

and entered tombs.

I tortured many animals,
with pleasure,

to find the answers.

-Remember the unfortunate,
"Push me, pull you."

-You're insane. You know?
-Yes!

-I decided to create a man --
a breathing body, a real man!

And I have made
that dream come true.

There, you have the greatest...
-Yay!

-Yay!
-Yay!

-...a human robot, doctor!
-Cool.

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

-Tonight, I'm going to find out.

Tonight, I'm going to put it
to the supreme test!

-The Cosmosex quiz?

-I will activate the creature.
-But this is monstrous, doctor!

-If it lives, then my triumph
will be complete, Dr. Almada!

Because I'll get the treasure,
and I'll be rich!

-Shut up.

-This thing I created has
enormous power,

and you'll watch it!

-Now then, life for the robot!

-The only thing diabolical
about this guy is his acting.

-Doctor! Watch this!

[Thunder crashing]

♪♪

-That would make a reallyexcellent miniature golf course.

-Do I detect a theme?

-I just, I don't know why I'm ---Robot! Yay!

-I'm just seeing miniature
golf courses.

-Cool.

-Who's got the line?
Line please.

-Don't you think it would be
better?

-Robot. Scarface.

Light bulb. Floyd.

Robot. Doctor.

Good shot of me.

-Do you have any jumper cables
in your car?

Something is not working.

♪♪

-2:30 already.

-Don't you think it would be
better to call the police now?

-I don't know what to do.
-No.

Let us all wait till 3:00 a.m.
-You just pick up the phone

and dial.-And respect the doctors wishes.

-Suppose they're in danger!

♪♪

-Another good shot of me.

-Good shot of the robot.

-Nobody's moving.

♪♪

-I...
[Sighs]

I think that's a different
emotion, though.

-Bad shot of him.

-The table's moving.

The table's a better actor
than anyone.

-They're all made out
of the same material -- wood.

♪♪

Somebody move.

♪♪

-Laugh or something.
Squeeze it out.

-Come on, Floyd.

-Bruno?

Robot?
-Robot?

♪♪

-♪ Chain, chain, chain

♪♪

-He's so powerful.

-[Laughing]

-You think that's funny?
-Oh, this is great, Doctor!

The greatest invention.
[Laughing]

-It's a coffee maker.

-Bruno got attitude.

-It's not so great.
It doesn't have knees.

-You can see it standing there.

You can see it standing there.

-You can see it standing there.

A marvelous machine,

a tribute to the great
intelligence of man.

A human robot.

With this shiny creature,

no human being on this earth
can oppose me.

-Wait, a human robot?

There's a flaw right there.

-Do you know what could have
happened to you right now...

-Only bits of it are human.

-...had I not diminished
the electric force,

the current that makes him move

and that is contained
in this apparatus?

With the slightest...
-Floyd is stunned.

-You two would have been
converted into atomic dust

instantaneously.

Because the robot
utilizes radium

and has sufficient power

to disintegrate anything
in the world.

Tonight it meets the mummy.

Bruno, prepare
the special plates.

The lead will shoot my truck.

-Bring the good china.
-Hurry. Time is flying.

Tonight my robot
has to make a visit, you know,

in a certain cemetery.

-Rapid oil change.
-What time is it?

10 minutes to 3:00.

I told you there's no time
to lose, Bruno.

-We have a commercial. Bruno.
-Hurry! Get going!

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Rotary telephone dialing]

-I want the police.
It's urgent.

-[Babbles]

-Headquarters, I want to talk
to the chief of police.

-[Babbles]
[Clock tolling]

-3:00, and all's hell.
-I want you to stop

and think about this,
a new kind of world.

An army of robots obey me.

-Hey, look, we got the point,
but this is great.

We got to go, okay?

-Sheep obeying my orders,

a new theory that man
has not dared imagine.

-That would make you a shepherd.

-I'll make some more.

Maybe a thousand.

Now that I know how,
the rest is easy.

-Oh, you're -- you're too low.
Go a million.

-The treasure of the Aztecs.

That's why tonight the mummy
will give me what I want.

-Corn?

-This guy's snapped a twig.

-Fine.

-I think the whole branch
came down.

-...and guard our
distinguished friends.

They mustn't get away.

They're an extremely
important cog in my plan.

-Great, first I'm a shadow.
Now I'm a cog.

-I'm sorry that I can't
take you along.

But you'd only get underfoot.
But I'll return.

-Floyd's got to take medicine
every two hours.

Can he go?

-...that I could destroy
the mummy.

And with the gold breastplate
and bracelet in my hands,

you'll begin once more
to translate the hieroglyphics.

-Geez, is he long-winded.

-[Laughs]

This time you're helpless

because no one knows
you're here.

-Shut up.

-Dr. Almada.

[Laughs]

-Time for Bruno's electrolysis.
-Oh, brother.

-What's he gonna do?

Uh...
-He's gonna pad his part.

-Coochie-coochie-coo.

Dick York as the mummy.

-No, that's the robot.

-Oh, the robot.
Sorry.

I think it might be
Dick Sargent anyway.

-"I'm Milton,
your brand-new son."

♪♪

♪ Put your right foot in

♪ You put your right foot out

-♪ You do the robey-pokey
and you turn yourself about ♪

-♪ Your head is filled
with electrodes ♪

-♪ It makes you want to shout

-♪ And that's what
it's all about ♪

-Hey!

-Right foot in.

-I don't have any feet, Joel.
-Oh.

-The fun's over.
-Oh, we're to the new place.

-Oh.

-Let's hurry.
I'm afraid for their lives.

-You're afraid for your lives.

-I'm afraid for your career.

-You call that a career?

-You know, I can't help
but think that that robot

would be excellent
on a miniature golf course.

-Stop it.

-It looks like a coffee maker.

-Krupp's coffee maker.

See?
-Oh, no.

-Sorry.
-[Grunts]

-Come on, get him.
-Hey, go.

-[Grunting]

-This is for Andy.

-Can you do your Floyd voice?

-Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.

Oh, the robot's very --
-All right, Floyd. Floyd.

Hey, cut it out.

-That's for Aunt Bee.
That's for Opie.

That's for Goober.

-Oh, where are my glasses?
Where are my glasses?

-Where are my glasses?
-They're on your face.

-There -- There they are.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

-Great comic actor.

-Poor Bib, the Michelin man.
-Edward!

-Flora.
-What happened here?

-Chief, you can arrest thosetwo men there in the other room.

-Come on.

-Dr. The Bat has gone
to the tomb where the mummy is.

Let's hurry.
There's no time to lose.

[Beeping]

-What's that?

-A man made out of tin.

-Oh, yes.

♪♪

-Hey, guys, guess who's history
in this scene.

-Juan Valdez?

-Bingo.

♪♪

-Yeah.

Use the robot.

-I'll murdalize him.

♪♪

-Let's see.
I'll put this on broil.

-It's a decoy.
-Aah!

-Must have been
a smoking jacket.

-Well, immolation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

I read that in a book.

[Beeping]

♪♪

-Hurry, Bruno.

Take the breastplate
and bracelet off of him.

-Yes.

♪♪

-Well, I think we're about to
see the namesake of this movie.

-At last I'm gonna
have my revenge.

-The robot versus the mummy.

♪♪

-I'm in for $20 on the robot.

♪♪

-I didn't know. That mummy's
got real nice speed.

Amazing snake-like
accuracy, too.

-Does a hell
of a soft shoe, too.

-He's the Aztec of 1,001 holds.

♪♪

-This scene is closed captioned
for the speed-impaired.

-He moves like George Burns.

-He'll put you
in the sleeper hold.

He just breathes on you.

-This whole movie's
a sleeper hold.

♪♪

-Take two of these
and a glass of water,

and you'll sleep like a baby.

-I couldn't take two of these.

-This one feels
like a suppository.

-Let's kiss.

-It's like professional
wrestling in slow motion.

♪♪

It's like professional acting
in slow motion, too.

-You know, what if that --
The Bat was trying to --

to fool everybody and he's just
got a guy in that suit,

it's not really a robot at all?

-That couldn't happen.

-Makes you think, though.

-I don't know.
Once that robot gets into gear,

you're really going to see him
kick some Aztec.

-Hoo-hoo. Ho-ho.

-[Growling]

-Oh, that's something
he hadn't counted on.

♪♪

All mummies carry pliers.

-He didn't put up much
of a fight at all.

-"Oh, mummy, hold me."

-I think it's really the human
part of him that's failing.

-Well, the human side
likes the rich taste,

but the robot in him
loves the frosty goodness.

♪♪

-Whoa.

This isn't a cereal, is it?

-Oh, yeah.
The other one was a cereal.

[Robot growling]

-Oh, hold me.

-Joel?
-Right in the Adam's apple.

♪♪

♪♪

-I looked up anticlimax
in the dictionary

and it said "See Aztec Mummy."

-Oh, that looks real.

Yeah. I think that's real.

-I don't know Billy Barty
was in this.

-Aaaah!
-Aaaah!

-He's got a small part.

-Waaaah!

-Those two had to die.

-Thank God Flora's here.

-Popoca, in memory
of the great love

that once existed between us,

stop all this death
and destruction.

-Before your skin went bad.

-Take these objects
that are yours to guard

and go back to the grave
of our ancestors.

-Hi.
-Where we should never have

interrupted your eternal peace.
-Never darken this film again.

-Joel? Isn't that
a d-d-d-demon dog?

-Demon dog?!
-Aah!

-No! I don't have any feet!
-[Chattering]

-Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh!

-[Chattering]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Dogs barking]

-Oh, man! This isn't working!

-This is great!
What do we do now?!

-I don't know.
I can see clearly that

trying to figure out these
things just isn't gonna work.

-No way.
-Maybe we should just

try to review the movie.

-Ouch! Incoming! Ugh!

-Well, I thought that robot
with the human head

was really offensive.

-Ugh! Yeah.
It was mixing medias.

I could see that plot
coming a mile away.

It's crushed.

-I can see now that
this completely isn't working.

We gotta get rid
of these things.

Quick, check your files.

-We're almost out
of cheeseburgers.

-Yeah. Newspapers, too. Ouch!

-What gets a dog going on earth?

-Well, uh, chasing rabbits,
sticks, cars,

licking, scratching, uh,
tennis balls, uh...

-That's it! Tennis balls!

Listen, go down
to the service pod.

Find the thrusters up at 33-A.

Attach 'em to that
big disposal ball

that's shaped like a giant ball.

We'll push it out
the bay port door.

Get down there. Keep your
fingers crossed if you got 'em.

Okay.
Cambot, put me on exterior.

Put in fetch mode
on my mark -- Now!

[Barking continues]

♪♪

♪♪

-All right! They're gone!

-Oh, uh, Joel,

I don't want to be a killjoy,
but doesn't fetch mean...

go get and bring back?

-Oh!
-Doh!

-Ohh!
-[Sighs]

-That's the end
of our experiment.

I hope you're happy.

-Oh, I'm happy.
-Are you happy?

-I'm happy.
-Good. File this.

-Well, until next time,
my little square pudding.

[ "Mighty Science Theater"
plays]

♪♪

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