Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 1, Episode 14 - Mighty Jack - full transcript

♫ In the not-too-distant future

♫ Next Sunday A.D.

♫ There was a guy named Joel

♫ Not too different from you or me

♫ He worked at Gizmonic Institute

♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuit

♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place

♫ But his bosses didn't like him

♫ So they shot him into space

♫ We'll send him cheesy movies

♫ The worst we can find

♫ La la la

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ And we'll monitor his mind

♫ La la la

♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control

♫ When the movies begin or end

♫ La la la

♫ Because he used those special parts

♫ To make his robot friends

♫ Robot Roll Call

♫ Cambot

♫ Gypsy

♫ Tom Servo

♫ Crow

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ And other science facts

♫ La la la

♫ Then repeat to yourself it's just a show

♫ I should really just relax

♫ For Mystery Science

♫ Theater 3000 ♫

(doors slamming)

- Oh!

Got five seconds to live!

Must get personal finances in order.

- [Crow] Joel, Joel!

Thank heavens you made it!

What the heck was that thing?

We lost Tom, buddy!

I hate to think of him in there with that,

that, wait a minute, I'm blind!

I'm blind, that thing cut me!

- [Tom] Crow, something
is wrong on Saturn Three.

Crow buddy, Crow!

- [Crow] It looks like I got it man,

at least I found Joel!

The little Pantyweight passed
out in all the excitement!

- [Tom] Keep telling yourself that, Crow!

(sobbing)

- [Crow] What do you
mean, Tom, you're crying!

What?

We're all together again!
- [Tom] Crow!

(crosstalk)

Joel Robinson is dead!

- [Crow] Oh god, he's dead!

- [All] Face.

- Just kiddin'.

- [Crow] Hey, you look great.

(upbeat music)

(laughing)

- Oh, we do have fun, don't we?

- Yes.

- What was that line again, Crow?

- Oh, you mean, "I'm
blind, that thing cut me!"

- No no no, that other one, "Don't you--"

- Oh yeah, oh yeah, "Don't you do it!"

(laughing)

Just a second, the Mads are calling.

- Don't you ever let me catch you

fooling around like that up there.

Well if I was up there right now,

I'd spank your hinder.

- Well let's just rage on with

the invention exchange, Frank.

Tall and proud.

- Okay.

My name is Bond,

Frank Bond.

- Right and I'm Ursula Andress.

- I know.

- Do I have to do everything
around here, Frank?

- Oh sorry boss, it's
just that when you're

a top secret agent with a license to kill,

like myself, you always
find yourself in SCUBA gear.

But not only that, there's
that endless series of

formal parties, dances and
dinners that you have to attend.

I mean, it's really easy to
fit a tuxedo under a wetsuit,

but what about footwear?

- Show the product, Frank.

Smile.

Introducing the formal flippers,

step out of the ocean and into

high society with the formal flipper.

- By Bass.

And what about the Ladies?

- The ladies?

Pan down Jerry.

- [Frank] Hello, Federov.

- Oh, could we just get on
with your invention exchange,

you blinking pinkie ring?

- I want children.

- You know Joel, every day, in every way,

those guys are gettin'
weirder and weirder.

- I know, I couldn't
agree more with you more.

Anyway, my invention exchange today

is based on the premise

that kids just don't like to
wear hats in the winter time.

You know, I mean hats mat your hair down.

Headbands make your hair all static-y

and earmuffs just plain look dorky.

- You know I remember winter,

sleddin' down the back
hill, over the creek,

under the old bridge, past the
Sullivan's big dog, Trouser.

Wavin' to Lois and Sabrina--

- Yeah yeah, whatever!

- Anyway, anyway you two.

This is a new invention that will

allow kids to look cool and stay warm

and avoid all that peer
mockery that we all know

can harm us well into adulthood.

Check it out!

They're earmuffs that look like ears!

See what I mean?

Okay, put them on,
let's see how they look.

Okay.

- Hey, I feel like Prince Charles.

- Yeah, and they'll come
in a rainbow of colors,

eventually, to match
everybody's countenance.

Okay, look.

- Oh, so suddenly I look
like Jimmie JJ Walker.

- Right, and they'll also come

in a lot of novelty styles too.

Like for next year's big sci-fi levia-thon

in Anchorage, Alaska, I've invented

these Vulcan earmuffs.

See?

- Fascinating.

Live long and prosper.

Not!

(laughing)

- Also, Joel, we don't see you wearing

any of these dopey earmuffs.

- Yeah, what's the deal?

- Oh, well you guys,

looks are deceiving.

You see, not only am I
president of Ear Club For Men,

I'm also a customer.

What do you think, sirs?

- Very nice Sy Sperling.

Tell 'em about the
experiment this week, Frank.

- This week's experiment is called Jack,

Mighty Jack.

It's produced by Frank,

Sandy Frank.

- Push the button, send
'em the movie, Frank,

I gotta get outta these size nines.

(buzzing)
- [All] What, huh?

What?

- We've got movies on!

(doors opening)

- [Joel] Those guys are...
- [Tom] Great legs though.

Hey, Mighty Jack!

The story of a brave pancake.

Starring Aunt Jemima
and Flap the wonder dog!

- [Joel] Mighty Jack, the
dog, isn't that a dog food?

- [Tom] Could be.

Featuring our all-vegetarian dishes!

Hitaki Teriyaki and Nakayo Koko.

- [Crow] They should really
waterproof this basement.

- [Tom] George!

Marcia!

Corn job!
- [Crow] Huh?

- [Tom] Kinda soap opera music here.

♫ I am a lineman for the Starfleet

♫ Yee hoo ♫

- [Crow] Lovebird 2000,

starring Admiral Gavin McCloud.

- [Tom] Say.

(tongue clicking)

- [Joel] Writers, oh brother.

Tell me about it.

- [Tom] There's Jessie "The Body" Vogel.

(laughing)

- [Crow] Mayor.

- [Tom] That's right.

♫ Yee hoo ♫

- [Crow] I'm not too proud of this,

just print my name small.

- [Tom] I don't blame 'em.

Ooh, dramatic.

- [Joel] Sex Cameraman?

- [Tom] No no no, SFX, Joel.

- [Crow] Hey, twin Evinrudes, yeah.

But you know I got a bass
boat flier on the front there.

- [Tom] You got one of them
big bass chairs up front?

- [Crow] Oh you betcha.

- [Joel] You gotta keep your tips up

when you're getting pulled
behind one of them big....

- [All] Mighty Jack!

(yells)

- [Joel] Come on, dummy!

- [Tom] We don't need to see this!

No no no.

- [Voiceover] Declaring that
if they continued to fight

among themselves, they
face an even greater danger

from an unexpected source.
- [Crow] Dr. Seuss.

- [Tom] Peggy Lee.
- [Voiceover] The organization

known as Q, equipped--
(yelling)

- [Crow] Oh, we're falling
off, don't do that!

- [Voiceover] More than
ever to pursue its goal

of complete conquest of the Earth.

(groaning)

- [Crow] That funkin' book is heavy!

- [Voiceover] Among friendly,
peace-loving countries.

- [Tom] CP...

- [Crow] Kitty!

- [Tom] Japanese Calvin and Hobbes.

- [Voiceover] Therefore,
the president proposes

to form a team of
specially-trained men and women

to combat the organization known as Q.

- [Tom] He's looking for the narrator.

- [Joel] Oh.

- [Voiceover] This team will
be code named Mighty Jack.

Using the latest technology,
Mighty Jack will have

as its mission the annihilation of

the organization known as Q.

(snoring)

- Start!

- [Crow] Cue that up!

(laughing)

- [Tom] Live, from the
Q Note Cafe, the Q-Tips.

(jazzy music)

- [Voiceover] Tokyo, 10 AM.

- [Crow] Do you know
where your children are?

- [Voiceover] Saigon, 7:30 AM.

- [Joel] Hey, he's eating Q rations.

- [Voiceover] Moscow, 7:00 AM.

And Paris, 2:00 AM.

- [Joel] Ah, Paris, city of lamps.

- [Crow] Hey look, Richard
Carpenter's gettin' drunk!

- [Joel] Unbelievable, and Karen.

Come on, finish it!

- [Crow] Finish it, woo!

- [Tom] Hey, Geraldine Ferraro!

- [Joel] Who's the guy?
- [Crow] Girl.

- [Joel] Hey, it's JFK!

- [Crow] Wow.

- [Tom] Bobby!

- [Crow] Okay, let's see now,

why do bees suddenly reappear?

Oh, screw it, forget it.

- Monsieur.

Won't you stay with me a few more minutes?

- [Crow] While I spackle my teeth.

- [Tom] Hey, Django Reinhardt.

- [Crow] Nah, too many fingers.

- [Tom] Ah, you're right.

- [Crow] A Japanese in Paris!

(mock Japanese singing)

- [Joel] Is that kinda racist?

- [Tom] No, no, I don't think so.

- [Crow] Door is ajar.
- [Tom] Ding dong.

- [Crow] Ignite cigarette.
- [Tom] Ding dong.

- [Crow] Have second
thoughts about girl in bar.

- [Tom] Ding dong.

Oh lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?

My friends all drive Porsches.

- [Crow] Ah, we're coming
to the fork in the plot!

- [Tom] Don't take a wrong turn.

- [Joel] What?

- [Tom] It's kind of a
Keith Haring painting.

- [Joel] That looks like the...

- [Traffic guard] Halt!

(Crow speaking German)

- [Tom] Shh, Ixnay, French!

- [Crow] Oh, hello monsieur.
- [Tom] Bonjour.

- [Crow] Oh, big one.

- [Joel] Shield your eyes from the net!

- [Tom] Oh, big, big!

- [Joel] It's the helicopter from Daktari!

- [Crow] Oh, they're gonna return

that Japanese car to the wild!

- [Joel] They gotta tag it.

- Bon voyage!

- [Tom] You will always have Paris!

- [Crow] Oh boy.
(car honking)

- [Tom] You know you can always tell

it's a Japanese net, it's
filled with dolphins!

(groaning)

- [Joel] What a burn.

- [Voiceover] Just relax Mr.
Atari and enjoy the ride,

it's a beautiful night--

- [Joel] For a moon dance.

- Look, what do you think you're doing?

- [Voiceover] Your altitude is 2,000 feet.

I'm sure you'll enjoy
the view, good night.

- [Tom] To your left you'll
see the (speaking French).

- [Crow] This is no
place for a convertible!

John Wayne is Branigan!

- [Tom] Medical Center, in color.

- [Joel] Ooh, that's good weed!

(laughing)

- [Crow] Hey, it's J. Edgar Hoover.

I will crush the Kennedys.

- Come in.

- It's regarding Mr. Atari.
(slurping)

I made several calls to Paris to try

to get more detailed information.

On the day he disappeared,
Mr. Atari left the cabaret

at two in the morning.

Drove past the--
(sighing)

And then he suddenly disappeared

along the highway somewhere.

- And the airports?

- Nothing as yet.

(sniffing loudly)

(spitting)

- All right, that'll be all, thank you.

- [Joel] Oh god.

I am so high!

- [Voiceover] Not a case of robbery.

I better contact Mighty Jack.

- [Tom] Why is my internal voice

different from my external voice?

Inside, I'm tan and handsome.

Outside, I'm the Grinch
who stole Christmas.

(kisses)

- [Crow] Hello?
- [Joel] Hey.

- Hello, is that you Katherine?

- [Crow] Hey, what are
they opening a boutique?

- [Tom] She'll not have my apple.

It's mine.

- Here's the message from Colonel Yabuki.

- [Joel] My Bookie?

- [Colonel] I want you
to rescue a certain man.

He disappeared suddenly near Paris.

He's very important to Mighty Jack,

it could be a dangerous mission.

So be careful.

- [Joel] Oh, and Sabrina,
you pose as a scientist

and wear that string bikini we got you.

- [Katherine] That's the man.

- [Tom] Say.
- [Crow] That's a man?

- How interesting.

- You know a lot of
girls who look like that?

- This one I do.

She's a well-known dancer.

- She's not missing, it's
the man we're looking for.

- [Crow] Oh, too bad.

- [Jerry] So he's our next assignment.

- [Joel] Measure it.

- [Katherine] His name is Harold Atari.

He's a professional mountaineer.

(upbeat music)

- What about that transmitter?

- [Tom] It kinda looks like
the $10,000 Pyramid here.

- What's being done to find it?

- Captain Tenda and Lieutenant Jerry

are out searching with the electroscout.

- [Joel] Things you see in a Dali shot.

- Well the maximum range is 700 miles.

- [Crow] Things you'd say to Marconi.

- If it's within that radius--

- [Tom] Things you keep in your purse!

- There's one slight problem though--

- [Joel] Things you say when you're dead!

- Mr. Atari doesn't know he
has the transmitter on him.

- Then he won't know that we...

- You see Katherine, I had it
issued merely as a precaution.

- [Tom] Things you say in a T top.

- Mr. Atari was called away very suddenly,

before he was instructed in its uses.

- If he doesn't find it then...

- Sooner or later--

- [Tom] Love is going to get you.

- Bless us, our Buddha,

wait, I'm not a Buddhist.

- [Tom] He's a Shinto.

Wait a minute!

Button, button, I've got the button!

I'm gonna use it too.

- [Joel] Hmm, it's kinda dull.

- [Tom] Like this movie?

(laughing)

(explosion)
- [Crow] Huzzah, alakazam!

And I'm gone!

Oh, I gotta work on that.

Got the patter down though.

- [Joel] If I'm not mistaken,

I should have a rabbit
over there, at least.

Huh?

(gasping)

Oh, I was just daydreaming, Dr.

- Very well, and when are you coming back?

- I'm not sure.

- Don't stay away too long.

- [Crow] If you know what I mean.

(laughing)

- You've always been one of our best men.

- Thank you sir.
- [Crow] I think.

- Oh, do you see that box there?

That suit, it's my parting gift to you.

- [Tom] From Spiegal,
Chicago, Illinois, 60609.

- [Joel] Wait a minute,
is this a flashback?

- [Crow] I'm lost.

Hmm, good workmanship,
Morty must've made this.

- [Tom] Nice Hanky poof too.

- [Joel] Hmm, what a weird guy,

gives lovely parting gifts
after a meeting, but I...

- Hear anything?

- [Crow] No, I've got
wood clamps on my ears!

- It's no use, I'm not getting a signal.

- I'm gonna try further west.

- [Tom] Crest, Crest...

(farting noise)

- [Tom] Ha ha, I love that one.

- [Crow] Hi boys and girls,
I'm gonna take my shoes off

and put my little sneakers on.

(sniffs)
(groaning)

- [Joel] Oh man, you need Dr. Scholls!

It either smells like
bad meat or good cheese!

- [Tom] If I'm not
mistaken there's a phone...

Oh no, that's just my insole.

- [Joel] Oh I see, there's a he...

A really good he...

What?

- [Tom] Cherry cordials?

What a thoughtful old man!

- [Crow] Playin' house is
fun, table for two sir?

Oui,

oui.

I'm havin' a tea party
for my little friends.

Coat's a real rip off!

Wouldn't ya say...

- [Tom] Let's see, paperclip,

an old stick of gum, see
what else I got in here.

Oh, a bunch of peanut shells from that

karaoke bar stuck in there.

For cryin' out loud.

- [Joel] Well, he's building a meal.

You see he's got the
four button groups there.

- [Tom] Oh, of course.

(humming)

- [Crow] I did it one piece at a time

and it didn't cost me a dime!

Ah great, the instructions
are in Japanese.

(tom humming)

(chuckling)
- [Joel] It's a one-hitter.

(laughing)

- [Tom] What's he doing there?

That really held his
tie in place, didn't it?

- [Crow] Maybe he can get into the

craft fair next year with that.

(electronic buzzing)

- [All] Hmm?

- [Atari] They might be monitoring it.

- [Joel] They might be giants.

(electronic buzzing)
- [Tom] There it is again.

- [Joel] This is only a test.

Had this been an actual movie...

- It's gone again.

- There's one thing pretty sure though,

that was on the 20 meter band.

- [Joel] Bootsy's 20 meter band?

- It's much too far to figure out sir.

- Try to get the general direction.

- [Tom] Uh, that way?
- Pacific Ocean!

- [Crow] A specific ocean?

Yeah, but which one, be more Pacific!

(laughing)

- Jerry, look!
- [Tom] Jerry?

- [Crow] Dean, we're flying
in the thing with the hole!

- [Tom] Crest.

Oh look.

It must be a wedding,
they're throwing rice.

Really big rice.

- [Joel] They're holding
hands and skimming stones.

- [Tom] Toy boat.
- [All] Toy boat, toy boat.

- [Tom] Oh, it's the
captain of the Valdez there.

- [Crow] Stately plump Buck Mulligan

came down from the stairwell...

This book is awful.

Hmm, no pictures.

- Doctor.

I've got this awful headache.

- [Tom] Okay, climb in.

- Looks like you're homesick again.

- Oh no, it's not that at all.

It's those crazy radio signals,

they get louder and softer
and softer and louder.

They're driving me out of my mind!

But I'm getting a lot of interference.

They're transmitting
about every 10 minutes.

(sniffs)
- [Joel] Butyl nitrate?

- Something suspicious though,

there's no station on the 20 meter band.

- [Crow] It's a calamity!

- You say it's on the 20 meter band?

- [Crow] Yes.

- Maybe that's Atari.

Try to get the exact
direction of those signals.

Do it immediately!

- Couldn't you give me some
medicine first, Doctor?

- [Tom] I'd prescribe
me, Dr. Chad Feelgood.

Meanwhile, back on the Greasy Bastard...

- When did you start hearing them?

- [Crow] When I was 10.

- I picked up the first
signals a few days ago.

I was trying to get headquarters,
but reception was bad,

so I changed wavebands and noticed it.

- [Tom] Now I'm getting
the Rush Limbaugh Show.

- Oh, Doctor, that's it!

- See if you can get the exact location.

- Yes sir.

(static)

- [Tom] Enough of these damn
bureaucrats in Washington

spending our hard-earned
dollars on lazy welfare slugs!

Back in a moment.

- [Atari] I must risk it!

(beeping)

- [Crow] This is Lay Cannon
with the Jazz Image, tonight.

(vocalizing)
- That's the signal.

It's very close.

It's him all right!

- [Crow] Him?
- It's Atari!

- [Crow] Oh.

- Stop him transmitting those signals!

- [Crow] Isn't that right, Flopsy?

(gasping)

- [Tom] Oh no!

Oh no, it's a shower massage by Waterpik!

- Are the signals gone?

- Yes sir.

Only they lasted over
five minutes this time!

- [Tom] Wow.

- Good!

Did you get the location?

- Yes, 7070.

- [All] Sunset Strip!
(snapping)

- [Tom] I can't do that.
- [Crow] You get an A!

(laughing)

- Doctor Hyde heard signals
on our emergency band.

- [Joel] He's either Keith
Richards or he's dead.

I can't quite tell.

- [Crow] Does anyone know what's going on?

Anyone?

- [Mary] But we still
haven't found the location.

- [Cigarette Man] There's
no island in that area.

It could be a ship.

- [Agent] They say the
transmitter was stationary.

- [Tom] Well, they say that
falling in love is wonderful.

- [Cigarette Man] Then
it must be an island.

Well then, we better send out Mighty Jack.

- [Joel] He lives in a drawer?

Oh.
(rumbling)

- [Crow] Unzip me, would ya?

- We'll link up with Mighty Jack soon.

- Yes sir.

- [Tom] What a wild sensation that'll be.

- [Crow] Ah, this must be the
symbolic cinematic love scene.

- [Tom] Ooh.

(humming)

- [Tenda] All right, full speed ahead!

- [Joel] Elvis Costello!
- [Crow] Wow, cool.

- Course, southwest.

- [Tom] Decorate in pink and blue.

- That man's still their hostage.

- [Tom] Hmm.

Nice.

(groaning)

- [Crow] Now he's gotta watch Hazel,

strapped in this elaborate sex chair!

- What do you want?

- [Villain] I want you to
tell us about your mission.

- Never!

- [Tom] Then tell us
about the rabbits, George.

- [Villain] As long as you cooperate,

no harm will come to you.

- [Tom] Well I'd call that harm.

- [Villain] Those lights
are capable of blinding you.

- [Atari] I'm not afraid,
I'll keep my eyes closed.

But I won't answer any questions!

- [Crow] Wow, is he smart!

- [Villain] You're being very foolish,

soon you'll open your eyes and then

you'll be blinded for life.

(Tom laughing)
Tell us one thing.

- [Joel] Where is Comedy Central?

- Where's Mighty Jack's secret base?

- [Crow] Hey, he's getting
tan and handsome in there!

- Atari, you mustn't
underestimate the strength of Q.

Our agents are everywhere.

Paris, Berlin, London, Madrid.

- [Tom] Fresno.

- Why did they send you to Paris?

- [Joel] 'Cause I loves Paris
in the springtime, that's why!

- I went there to meet a
business colleague of mine.

- [Tom] We sell Amway!

- And then I did a little sightseeing.

- It is no use stalling.

I promise we'll let you go.

But first you have to tell us
everything we want to know.

- [Crow] But no slides.

- [Villain] You can't
hold out much longer.

I'll ask you once again,

where is Mighty Jack's base?

- [Tom] It's next to the
drums and the guitar!

(laughing)

- I've never heard of Mighty Jack.

- [Crow] I never hope to be one.

- [Tom] Time to go.

- [Villain] Now for the last time,

where is Mighty Jack's base?

- [Joel] It's not easy being green.

- I'll tell you what you want to know

just turn off the lights, please.

(doors closing)

- Okay, everybody you know what to do?

Servo?
- [Tom] Roger!

- Gypsy?
- [Gypsy] Richard!

- Uh yeah, whatever.

Okay, places everybody, he's comin'!

- Hey, hi you guys, what ya up to?

- Well, you know, we've been talking about

how humans have a need for pets.

Like in this film, the
evil guy has a pet cat.

- Yeah and humans have
a lot of programming

in commercials directed
specifically at pets, so--

- So we've come up with a little

ad campaign based on this movie!

- Yeah, and we'd like you
to be our test market.

- We'd like your feedback,
you being human and all.

- [Gypsy] Come on you
guys, I've got stuff to do.

- Okay, well I'd love to
see what you guys got going.

- Okay, give me a second.
- [Tom] Okay, here we go.

- Cambot, hit that music!

- New, from the makers of
Mighty Dog and Hungry Jack

comes a taste combination
that can't be beat!

Introducing, Mighty Jack!

- [Crow] Hi, I'm mighty Jack!

I make my own gravy!

Hey Joel, give me a hand,
pour that water on me.

There ya go!

Wowee, woo hoo!

- Mighty Jack dog food is high in protein,

low in sodium, pure beef,
partially hydrogenated,

great-tasting feed made
with the mature member

of your family in mind.

- [Gypsy] That's some
mature dog, I mean...

- Mighty Jack has the taste dogs love

and is completely free of
perfumes or stabilizers.

Strong enough for a manx
but made for a rottweiler.

Store in a cool, dry place and do not

expose to living tissue or temperatures

over 72 degrees fahrenheit.

Now available in three delicious flavors.

Regular, mailman and cat.

- I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.

- [Crow] I have just one
message for all dogs.

Bite me!

(yelling)

I'm being eaten by a dog, help me!

- Remember, Mighty Jack dog food

and the Mighty Jack corporate symbol

are in no way representational or meant to

infer relationship to any similarity

of any other corporate symbols,
logos or trademarks, dog

foods, dog treats, dog snacks
or persons, living or dead.

The end, what do you think?
- [Crow] What do you think?

- I think we have very
different views of advertising.

Let's see how the pros do it.

(upbeat music)

- I will, master.

I'll take care of Colonel--

- [Tom] My sweet lipstick.

(gasps)
- [Crow] Hey!

- [Joel] Secret agent Estee Lauder.

- [Tom] In Easy Spirit pumps.

(crosstalk)

And you'll be hot, hot,
hot with the latest

talking lipstick fashions from Paris.

- [Tom] Breath of fresh air, hah!

I'll fix her real good,
you can bet on that.

- Don't forget I'm counting on you

to accompany me to the meeting tonight.

- [Crow] What about my needs?

- I'll send the car for you.

- [Crow] Oh, okay.
- [Colonel] Come in?

- [Tom] She's a lousy traitor, sir!

- [Crow] Hey, it's the Doublemint geishas.

- If that's all, I'll go home now

and prepare for tonight's meeting.

- [Tom] And for being a traitor.

- [Joel] Here's the
receipt for your Depends.

- [Crow] Hmm, let's see, "Bite me."

What's this mean?

(sniffing)

- [Tom] Do you...

Wait, this mirror makes me
look like I'm a Modigliani!

- This is really a wonderful painting.

She's has such mysterious eyes.

- [Crow] Actually, it's my father.

- [Tom] Ooh.

- [Joel] They're contacts!
- [Crow] Wow.

- I've always enjoyed modern art.

- [Crow] Not!

- I know it sounds strange.

- [Tom] But I think I'm a zebra!

- All they told us was
that the kidnapped man

was very important to Mighty Jack.

- [Crow] Ash, please.

- There's one thing we do know, though.

- [Crow] Ash.

- The kidnappers must
be clever and ruthless.

- We can't just sit here like this!

- [Tom] We're getting hemorrhoids!

- Mary, have they found the site yet?

- Mm-mm, I'm waiting for
their next message though.

- [Tom] Nice flip.

Oh no, time for band practice!

- [Joel] Well I used to get--
- [Crow] Oh, hi Elvis!

- But he's sure giving
us a lot of trouble.

- No trouble at all!

This is a joyride.

When he finds out that Mighty Jack's

on the way to rescue him,

he'll jump for joy!

(laughing)

(beeping)
- The signal!

- [All] Western Union!
(beeping)

- [Voiceover] Calling Mighty Jack.

Calling Mighty Jack, come in Mighty Jack.

Respond immediately!

- This is Mighty Jack.

- [Voiceover] We have a nuclear missile

aimed directly at you!

But we have no attention of attacking you.

We only demand that you
turn over Mighty Jack to us

in exchange for Mr. Harold Atari's life.

- The anti-missiles are loaded sir.

- [Crow] Shh, not here!

- [Voiceover] We have
already delivered this demand

to Colonel Yabuki, do
you read me, Mighty Jack?

- How do we know that
Mr. Atari is still alive?

- [Voiceover] Wait a moment.

- [Crow] Are you alive?

- Exchanging him for Mighty Jack,

who is this Atari anyway?

Captain Tenda?

- [Joel] He invented pong.

- [Tenda] Someone very special.

- [Atari] Hello Mighty Jack.

It's me, Harold Atari!

- Mr. Atari.

Mighty Jack will rescue you.

- [Atari] You better rescue me,

I don't feel like being
left out here to rot.

- Why, of all the...

Say, who does he think he is?

- [Atari] And be quick about it!

Unless you're all frightened pigeons!

- Boy, that's the last straw!

Pigeon yourself!

- [Crow] Hey, watch your mouth!

- [Atari] If you don't think
you can handle the job,

you might as well turn around and go home.

- [Tom] Ooh, what a burn!

- Well I've had enough!

All right, let's go home!

Why should we save him?

- [Joel] Look, heckling
is part of the business.

- I admire his courage.

- [Crow] You would, kiss up.

- [Voiceover] Do you read me, Mighty Jack?

Well, what have you decided?

- We read you all right.

We need a little time.

- [Voiceover] Very well.

We'll take this up with Colonel Yabuki.

- [All] Yabuki, Yabuki, Yabuki!

- Is everything ready for the conference?

- [Tom] Helen of Troy.
- What's the matter?

- [Crow] I'm through making coffee!

- [Yabuki] So you've finally
revealed your true colors.

You're the one who betrayed us.

I'm disappointed in you.

- Accept the proposal they've offered you.

Atari's life in exchange for Mighty Jack.

- [Tom] It's pure beef!

- Unless, Colonel, you
would rather exchange

your life for Mighty Jack?

(laughing)

- [Tom] Woah Gramps, get some Pearl Drops!

(gasps)
- [Crow] Huh?

Oh.

- All right, drop the gun.

- [Crow] I'll just place it very carefully

on the counter and--
(yelling)

- [Tom] She won't get very
far in those cheap pumps.

Feel like a sneaker though.

- [Crow] Sam Spade's office!

Spacious.

- [Tom] Look out, get her!

Manics, stop her!

- [Tom] Hooker's a good cop!

I gotta say it.

Well then, ooh!
(explosion)

- [Crow] Sorry I blew up like that.

- [Joel] Hmm, so?

- She's dead, sir.

I believe she had swallowed
some sort of lethal capsule.

And then it--

- [Tom] Wiggled and Wriggled
and triggered inside her!

- As if it had been triggered
off by remote control.

- [All] The crappy game show?

- [Joel] Okay kids, come on,

it's in or out, close
the screen door, come on!

- [Tom] Ooh.

- [Joel] Woah, looks like it's gettin'

kinda low on baking soda.
- [Crow] Yeah, it happens.

- Come back as soon as
you've scouted the island.

- [Tom] Gotta get this
suit back to Ivan Tors.

- Roger.
- [Tom] Whittaker.

(laughing)

(waves crashing)
(mysterious music)

Wow.

It's the island of Miles Davis!

- [Joel] You know, I
bet he has a perfectly

dry tuxedo under that.

- [Tom] Or a perfectly dry martini.

- [Crow] Glen Corbett,
what are you doin' here?

- [Tom] Oh, it's Aaron Spelling's house.

Akiba!

(mock-Asian vocalizations)

You know, I've always wanted to see

the inside of Bebe Rebozo's house.

(murmuring)

Dick?

- [Joel] Powder blue,

spies ask for it by name.

(whispering)

- [Tom] Somethin' tells
me that Wynton Marsalis

is around the next corner.

- [Crow] Oh Akio, Akio,
wherefore art thou, Akio?

(mysterious music)

Woah, big dog, rottweiler!
- [Tom] Ooh, look out!

- [Joel] It's Teo Macero.

(upbeat music)

- [Jerry] Calling Mighty Jack, it's Jerry.

- Mighty Jack, I see you finally made it.

Where's the installation?

- [Jerry] On the south side of the island.

- How's Atari?
- [Crow] Kind of a jerk,

but he grows on ya.
(Tom chuckles)

- [Tom] And so the male zygote
swims out to meet the egg.

- [Joel] Hey Aqualung.

- [Crow] Navy Seals,
starring Charlie Sheen.

- Hello Mighty Jack,
I'm on the island now.

I'm gonna try and rescue them.

- Yes sir.

- [Joel] I'll just cover my scat here.

- [Tom] Now let's see what we have here.

Chicken leg.

Oh, Kraft singles and
a note from my mother!

"I'm so proud of you."

- [Crow] What is that, a
pool cue or a silencer?

Just put that part on,
that makes it loud again.

Oh, and that attachment for the

hard-to-reach assassinations.

How many silencers does he need?

- [Tom] I don't know.

Well, you know, these fern prisons

were really popular in
the 70s, weren't they?

- [Joel] Natch.

- [Crow] Puma?

- [Tom] Dad?

- [Joel] Watch out for that

palm leaf!
(vocalizing)

- [Tom] I will succeed where he failed.

- Jerry?

Where are you?

- [Crow] Oh hello Mr.
Rescue Person I'm in...

- [Jerry] It's the door on the right.

- Okay.

- [Joel] It's by the ice machine.

- [Crow] I have a feeling that

kooky chaos is about to ensue.

- [Tom] It's the M. C. Escher house!

Escher house!
(vocalizing)

(knocking)
- [Joel] Room service!

- [Jerry] That you, Captain?

The door's locked!

- [Crow] Oh, thanks for knocking, Dean!

- They're trying to
kill us with poison gas!

- [Tom] Who, Exxon?

- [Crow] Aw, that'll help a lot.

- Hold still, it's
better if you don't move!

- We've got to get out, I'm choking.

- [Joel] I saved my handkerchief.

(gagging)

It's here in my espadrilles.

(snaps)
(explosion)

- [Tom] It's a snap!

- Come on!

(gasping)

- [Atari] Wait!

Before we go, we ought
to blow the place up.

- [Crow] That's great, why
didn't you tell us that before?

- Okay, let's do it.
- [Tom] Let's fall in love!

- Jerry.

Return to Mighty Jack.

- What about you?

- I've got the buggy here.
- [Jerry] But Captain!

- That's an order!

- Yes sir.

- [Joel] He never lets me drive the buggy.

- [Atari] Don't move!

- [Crow] You moved!

Hey, give me a turn at that!

Woo, it's fun!
(laughing)

- Right, let's go.
- [Tenda] Right.

(explosions)

- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Joel] Unreal.

- [Crow] Ooh.

- [Tom] Ooh, pretty.

- [Joel] They sound
like horses, don't they?

- [Tom] What do we got, a Volkswagen?

- [Crow] Oh great, good thing there

happened to be a chopper around!

(Tom chuckles)
(helicopter blades whirring)

- [Tom] Traffic over the
Pacific Ocean is light today,

expect no delays between
Mindanao and Hawaii.

- [Joel] Looks like the
Tidy Bowl man traded up.

The water's blue.

(helicopter whirring)

- [Tom] Were informal at
Mighty Jack here, Steve.

- [Crow] Shirtsleeves.

- [Tom] Well then, down the hatch!

Orrin Hatch!
(laughing)

Little joke for our
friends in Utah, Senator.

Fine, distinguished colleague from...

- All right, engines on!
- [Jerry] Yes sir!

- [Tenda] Combat stations!

- [Crow] Boy, just think
if this movie had a plot.

Might really be neat.
- [Tom] Yeah.

- [Joel] Neat decals.

Excellent detailing.

- [Tom] Wait a minute!

- [Crow] Sherwood Schwarz
presents, Gilligan's Island 2000!

With Gilligan, the Admiral too.

The billionaire.

- [Tom] Weenie launch.

Weenie launch.

(explosions)

- [Joel] Wow!

No!

- [Crow] Oh no, they hit the Howells' hut!

Lovey, I'm on fire!

- [Tom] Flash.
- [All] Ahh!

- [Tom] Gets tiring after a while though.

Apocalypse Now?

Apocalypse Not!

- [Joel] December 7th, 2041,

a film that will live in infamy!

- [Tom] Oh look, the mosquito.

Minnesota's state bird.
(Tom chuckles)

For our friends in Minnesota.

Weenie launch.

- [Joel] Crest.

- [All] Ooh, ooh!

Ahh!
(clapping)

- [Tom] Oh, beautiful.

- [Crow] It's a Memphis Belle!

Another dumb movie.
- [All] Ooh, ahh!

- [Joel] Wow.
- [Tom] Beautiful.

- [Crow] They're using
every toy in the box!

- [Joel] Here comes the grand finale.

- Full thrust!
- [Crow] Really?

Gamera!

Oh, sorry.

- [Tom] From the fun and
sun capital of the world,

Miami Beach, comes...

- [Crow] You know, the
Tommy Bartlett Show's

really getting expensive.

- [Tom] Now we see here where the

patriot missiles intercept the Scuds.

And...

Woah!

- [Crow] God bless the patriot missiles!

- [Tom] And we'd like to welcome you

to Collateral Damage Playhouse.

(explosions)

- [Joel] Wow.

- [Crow] Did you do that?
- [Jerry] Let's go after them!

- It's no use.

Their speed is much faster than ours.

- I can't believe it!

Faster than Mighty Jack?

- Never underrate your enemy.

- [Joel] I think that's
how it goes, isn't it?

- Anyway, we saved Mr. Atari
and that's all that matters.

- Captain.

I think we ought to destroy
the island completely.

- [Crow] Okay, Mr. Manifest Destiny.

- Tommy, let's go back to the island.

- [Tommy] Yes sir.

- [Tom] Bank turn.

(humming)

♫ Accidents will-- ♫

Huh?

- I don't like that guy.

Who does he think he is?

- Careful, he might hear ya, he's a VIP.

- Yeah, ya don't say.

We risk our necks to save his life

and now he's giving orders.

- [Tom] Hey, nice hat!

- We'll be over the target very soon.

- Say, Captain.

Should we drop a few bombs?

It'll keep them quiet for a while.

- Good idea.

- [Tom] That's what Kissinger would do.

(explosions)

Oops.

- [Joel] Hey, that's a
baby formula factory!

- [Tom] Ah, Tet, my
favorite holiday, you know?

- [Joel] There goes the
Ken and Barbie dream home!

- [Tom] Ooh!

(explosions)

Oh no, not the AM radio towers!

(mumbling)

- [Crow] God, I love the
smell of burning flesh

and the sound of breaking glass!

- [Joel] Ooh!

- [Tom] Well then.
- Mission accomplished.

Now let's go home.

- [Tom] The Wimbledon judges agree.

(laughing)

- [Crow] Dickweed.

Tag.

- [Joel] Oh boy, here comes another--

- [All] Bank turn.

- [Joel] How many more you gotta look at?

- [Voiceover] You have not
destroyed us, Mighty Jack!

We will retaliate for this!

Our organization is powerful!

Q will return and annihilate you forever!

- [Joel] But first, these
messages from Crest.

- [Crow] Yeah yeah, we all live

in a yellow submarine, we know.

♫ Super slow

♫ Moving car

♫ Super slow ♫

- [Tom] Meanwhile, at the
movie's biggest phallic symbol...

- [Joel] Hey, pull my finger.

- [Crow] Aw, Jeannie's really done it

this time, Major Healey.

- [Tom] I'm going out,
anybody need anything?

- Finally made it back to base,

and we're not allowed to get off.

- Those were the orders from headquarters.

- [Tom] Poor guy.
(vocalizing)

- [Joel] Woah, the chicks are here!

(laughing)

- Welcome back, Jerry!

The mission was successful, wasn't it?

- Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it.

- [Crow] Oh, and that's all that matters.

- Well, ya see, there was this guy.

I just couldn't stand him.

- [Tom] Ooh.

Doh!

- [Crow] Ask not what your
country can do for you...

(gasping)

- Allow me to introduce...

Major Harold Atari.

- [All] Whomp whomp whomp..

- [Crow] Open mouth, insert foot.

(Tom chuckles)

- [Tom] Akiba.

- Welcome aboard.

Commander.

- The captain is your Executive Officer.

- [Tom] He'll be kissing
up to you right away.

- Captain.

- It's an honor, sir.

- [Crow] You've got a cute smile.

- Lieutenant Jerry.

- [Crow] Oh with the thing, I'm sorry.

- It's good to see ya.

I'd like to thank you for rescuing me.

- Oh, it was nothing.
(Tom stammering)

- If you hadn't come...

- [Joel] Oh, we're off.

- [Tom] Oh, we should get going.

- [Crow] I'll miss the plot!
- [Joel] I don't know...

- [Voiceover] With its new Commander,

the Mighty Jack team is complete.

(upbeat music)

- Guys, hey guys!

Hey, I knew you were gonna do this to me!

Would you get this thing off my head?

- Silence!
- [Crow] Meow!

- Thank you, there there, Flopsy.

You had better tell me
what I want to know.

The lights in there are
capable of blinding you!

- [Joel] Oh that doesn't bother me,

I'll just keep my eyes shut.

- Doh, foiled again!
- [Crow] Boy, is he smart!

- [Tom] Hey you can say
that, would you knock it off?

You're supposed to be a cat!
- [Crow] Ah, meow!

- Thank you.
- [Crow] Sure.

- [Joel] Hey, would you guys
hurry up, it's hot in here!

- Joel, aren't you just the tiniest bit

curious about those blinding lights?

Don't you want to peek, just a little bit?

- [Joel] No!

- Hey, like I said, he's smart!

- Oh boy, guess all of
those swimsuit posters

on the wall are going to go

completely to waste, aren't they?

- And I guess you wouldn't
even be interested

in that rare Paul Clay
painting on the wall either?

- [Joel] Oh, you guys don't
have a Paul Clay painting.

- Boy, is he smart.

- Yeah, the guy is smart.

- Aren't you supposed to be my cat?

- Um, meow.
- [Tom] Thank you!

- Sure.

- Oh, I've got an idea!

Joel, I seem to have
misplaced the Hope Diamond.

Would you look around in there for me?

- [Joel] Oh, it's not in here.

- Well, did you even look?

- [Joel] No, I'm not going to!

- Boy is he smart.
- [Crow] Smart is the word.

(chanting)

Joel, I hate to get tough,

but inside that box with
you is a poison sandwich!

- [Joel] I just won't eat it.

- Oh, foiled again!

- You've completely lost
that cat thing, haven't you?

- I admit it, I'm way off script,

I've got no idea what I'm doing.

- [Joel] Oh guys, come on!

- What are you...

- It's so uncomfortable in there.

- Oh, has the great Joel Robinson

decided fun time is over now?

- Man, what's the matter--

- Oh, so Joel, don't say hi!
- [Crow] Meow.

- You have got to be kidding me Crow!

- Hey Crow, you wanna go
get some frozen yogurt--

(buzzing)
(yelling)

(doors opening)

- [Joel] Oh, my cigarettes are ringing.

- [Tom] Think you're so smart.

- [Crow] Meow?
- [Tom] Shut up.

- Atari here.

- [Yabuki] We have problems.

- What?

- [Yabuki] They've
destroyed the installation.

- [Tom] We'll have to
re-carpet everything.

- The official island's gone?

- [Yabuki] Yes.

I'm afraid so.

- It's Q again.

- [Crow] Nothing compares to Q.

- We urgently need titanium alloy

for a top-priority
military research project.

- [Joel] Got any in your junk drawer?

- How soon can you be
ready for redeployment?

- Well, let's see.

I have to shave and then I'll want

to eat a decent breakfast of toast,

scrambled eggs and black coffee.

- [Crow] That's
fascinating, get over here!

- If that's the case, take your time.

(laughing)

- [Atari] And don't forget I want--

- [Joel] Ooh!
- [Tom] Really gets me off.

- [All] Whomp whomp whomp.

- [Atari] I'll have some orange juice.

- [Voiceover] Yes sir.
(tom laughing)

- [Tom] Oh that razzie son of a gun.

- [Atari] Engines on?
- Engines on!

- [Joel] And strap your
hands across my engines!

- [Crow] Toast is ready, sir.

- Ready for submerging.

- Submerge!
- [Crew Member] Submerge.

- [Joel] I said dry toast.

- [Tom] How are we on
the about this big meter?

- [Crew Member] Water level, 50 feet.

- Unlock gates.

- Unlock gates!

- [Joel] Daryl Gates,
David Gates and Brett...

There's the toast thing again.

- [Tom] What's with the toast?

- [Crow] Why'd they
fly through the window?

- [Tom] We've replaced the Pacific Ocean

with Folgers' crystals, let's watch.

- We'll first search the
area in the Arctic zone.

- [All] Yes sir!

- [Joel] Open the Venetian blinds!

- [Mary] On course, sir.

- What's our present speed?

- Mach two.

- [Tom] I've got a Mac Classic.

- [Atari] Maintain speed and proceed

in the direction north, northwest.

- [Crow] See if James Mason is there.

- [Tom] North By Northwest.

- [Crow] It's kind of a stretch.

- [Joel] Enough with the bank turns!

- [Tom] Really!

(folksy music)

♫ You ain't woman enough
to take my Mighty Jack

♫ Yeehoo ♫

- [Crow] Wow, it's the cover of Dianetics!

- [Joel] And another bank
turn, thank you very much.

They're chasing that bright,
elusive butterfly of love.

- [Joel] Kyle MacLachlan!

- [Tom] You know, it's
really good today, isn't it?

They're all enjoying it.

- Sir, what's that?

- [Crow] Ha, made ya look!

- [Tom] Oh, that's just the set of Orca.

- [Jerry] Oh, it's just an iceberg.

- We'll be at the North
Pole in five minutes.

(Tom chuckles)

- [Tom] Santa Claus gonna be there?

- [Crow] Hey, it's Ice Station Zebra!

And look, Howard Hughes is
in his drawstring shorts

and he's got a mason jar filled--

(ominous music)

(evil laughter)

- [Tom] Neat.

Evil Good Humor men!

- [Villain] Enemy approaching.

Prepare to launch missiles, pronto!

- [Joel] Oh, he's an Italian.

- [Tom] What about allegro?

- The enemy had now gone!

Close missile sites.
(Crow meows)

- [Crow] Freezer door won't close.

They really should defrost.

- That was Q all right.

A clever hiding place.
- [Tom] Until spring hits.

- We'll just wait until
we're ready to attack.

- [Joel] What a blowhard.

- Our first duty is to go
inspect the frozen island.

- [Joel] And then figure out why

the Howell's had so much luggage.

- [Crow] I'm Batman.

- [Tom] You see, that boat
must have very low fat content.

- [Joel] Now why do you say that?

- [Tom] Goin' right to the bottom.

- There's no trace of the
station at the bottom of the sea,

maybe they succeeded in floating it.

- [Joel] How's the goatee coming?

- The could've removed
it in separate sections.

- Yes, though I don't think
they had time to dismantle it.

- [Crow] Hey, how ya doin'?

- Eddie, Yuri?
- [Eddie And Yuri] Yes sir?

- Put on your diving suits
and scout the whole area.

- [Both] Yes sir!

- [Crow] You, put on your diving suit

and meet me in my cabin.

- [Atari] Keep radio contact.
- [Mary] Yes sir!

- [Tom] Somebody else say yes sir!

- [Joel] Yes sir!
- [Tom] Thank you.

- [All] Toy diver, toy diver.

- [Tom] It's Toy Donahue!
(Tom chuckles)

It's a toy...

Sorry.

- [Crow] Flipper is made of liquid metal.

(ominous music)

- [Tom] Oh wow man,
they're swimming right to

Robert Schuller's Crystal Cathedral!

- Oh, look sir!

- Load the rockets!

(pinging)

- [Joel] Woah, jet-propelled bluegills,

I read about 'em in Field and Stream!

- Fire!

- Yes sir!

- [Tom] Uh-oh.
- [Crow] Look out!

(explosions)

- A direct hit!
- [Tom] With a bullet!

Goin' right to the top of the charts!

- Larry, reload rockets!
- [Larry] Yes sir!

- Mary, keep tracking them.
- [Mary] Yes sir!

- [Joel] Barry, you grab Mary!
- [Tom] Yes sir!

- I think one of them's hurt!

- [Joel] When models goose
themselves, next on Geraldo!

- Laser gun!
- [Jerry] Laser gun!

- [Crow] Laser Gun, starring Pat Carroll.

(explosions)

- [Tom] Uh, could someone explain to me

what's going on here, please?

- [Joel] It makes no sense.

- [Tom] Absurd.

- Eddie, Yuri, are you all right?

Answer!

- [Joel] Please phrase it in
the form of a question, sir!

- We're going after them, get ready.

- Yes sir!

- Mary, radio headquarters.
- [Mary] Yes sir!

- Doctor Hyde, you take over.
- [Doctor] Yes sir.

- [Tom] It's Mr. Hyde, sir.
(Tom chuckles)

(blubbering)

- [Crow] Oh wow, look, it's a way cool

kinda scary jello thing...

- What was the research
agency's conclusion?

- I don't know, they haven't announced it.

- [Joel] It's Imelda Marcos!

- But there's one thing
that bothers me, sir.

- [Tom] My Sgt. Pepper outfit.

- There was a strange
cargo ship in the harbor.

I had the feeling that it was
spying on our installations.

I tried to get its nationality,

but then it vanished suddenly.

- Would you recognize it again?

- Yes.

- [Crow] Could you pick
it out of a lineup?

- Well then, I think you ought
to do a little sightseeing

along the docks.
- [Katherine] Yes sir.

- [Tom] Say!
- [Joel] Yes sir!

- Here is that report from
the Technical Research Agency.

- [Tom] Oh hey look, it's
the old druggy guy again!

- They believe the island had no density.

It was only H2O.

That means, no mass of land,
merely solidified water.

- [All] You mean ice?

- Then it should be
floating on the surface,

because of the specific gravity.

- [Crow] Could you be more specific?

- I can't believe it
could sink to the bottom

of the ocean without
melting in the warm water.

It's against all the laws of physics.

- [Tom] Yeah, but can we make it stick?

Can the DA make a case?

- One thing is certain, to melt the ice,

they required intense heat.

Or there's another possibility.

Q has found a way to
convert molecular energy.

- [Joel] Those stinkers!

- [Yabuki] Various scientists
have been working on it,

but Q may have found a solution.

- [Tom] Q's on first.

- [Crow] That's what I'm asking!

- [Tom] Third base!

- If such an important
scientific discovery

were used only to serve evil purposes.

Q is powerful, they may
have been able to infiltrate

our own research center.
- [Joel] Duck.

- Or maybe they have been able to--

- [All] Duck.

- [Joel] Goose!
- [Tom] Run!

- [Crow] Nice counter blocking, Dad.

- [Yabuki] Well, principally,
Dr. Takibana of Japan.

- [Joel] I think the
cameraman's kinda lost interest

in what's going on in there.

- [Tom] Wallpaper theater
will be back right after this.

- [Crow] Nice pattern.

- [Katherine] Could they
have some connection with Q?

Could they be agents for the organization?

- [Crow] Hey, they're talking about us.

I love when they talk about us!

- [Yabuki] To investigate
the matter for us, but they--

- [Tom] Hey.

Now that is a swell blaupunkt.

- [Crow] In-dash reel-to-reel.

- Have you got their photographs?

- [Joel] Got any wallets?

- [Yabuki] Here you are.
- Thank you.

- [Tom] It's Charles
Durning and Walt Disney!

(Crow clears throat)
- [Crow] What, what?

- [Joel] Oh, cherry car man.

Glass packs and thrush pipes.

(car vocalizations)

- [Crow] This is CNN!
(ominous music)

- [Tom] Planned Parenthood?

- [Joel] Stop the kettle drum!

(Crow meows)

- [Villain] Come in, gentlemen, come in.

- [Joel] Kitty!

- [Villain] We are now entering

the final phase of our operation!

The time has come for us to use

all the means at our disposal.

- [Crow] Even you, the Ritz brothers!

- [Villain] And especially Mighty Jack!

They have annoyed us too long.

I wish you every success
in this, our last combat.

(Tom chuckles)
Good luck gentlemen.

- [Crow] Manny, moe, Jack.

- [Villain] Now, you may go.

- [Three men] Yes master.

(laughing)

- [Crow] Hmm, why didn't
they call me master?

- [Tom] Ooh.

On the waterfront.

Oh wow, she's got no toes!

Foot binding!

- [Crow] What, is she a merchant
marine all of the sudden?

Aquamarine, that's the color.

- [Joel] Oh, my aching imperialist dogs.

(humming)
(gasps)

- [Crow] All right lady,
which detergent do you prefer?

- [Tom] Akiba!

Woah!

She is a lean, mean, lime-green
fightin' machine here!

Good job.

Oh wait wait wait, two on one?

- [All] Hey!

- [Joel] Come on!

- [Tom] Oh.

Uncalled for.

- [Man] Hold it right there!

- [Joel] Ricky Ricardo?

- [Crow] Ah Ricky, they're beating me up

for messing up in the chocolate factory!

(grunting)

- [Man] Come with me.

(gentle music)

- [Crow] Hey, she's been
kidnapped by the Partridge Family!

- [Joel] And they're
playing Echo Valley 6080209.

(singing in Spanish)

- Oh, you're back with us again.

- [Katherine] Where am I?

- A bus I requisitioned.

- [Tom] My name is Bobby Zimmerman.

- Cozy isn't it?

Have you any idea what they wanted?

- No, I have no idea at all.

Maybe they were after my money?

Thank you for rescuing me.

- Nothing, don't even mention it.

- [Tom] Okay.
- [Katherine] Oh!

- Something annoying you?
- [Tom] Yeah, your capo.

- You're Manuel Perez!
- [Crow] No, I'm Sancho Panza.

- I recognize you,
aren't you Manuel Perez?

- [Crow] Oui, I am that person.

- You've always been a hero figure to me.

I've read your books and know all about

your early struggles.
- [Tom] Say.

- [Katherine] You did such
good work in the third world.

- [Joel] Oh, are you speaking to me?

Oh, I see.

- [Katharine] Are you
still involved in politics?

- [Tom] Woah, the politics of motion.

(wolf whistle)

- [Joel] The politics of feeling good.

Ah, we'll order off the menu.

- [Crow] Oh man, look
at the appendix scar,

who's the body double, Jack Klugman?

- [Tom] Yow!

- [Joel] Ah, we're
trying to eat over here!

- [Crow] I love going to Fridays.

- Salud.

- [Joel] I was in Anna
Christie at the Provencetown--

- [Tom] Thank you!

(jazzy music)

- Excuse me a second.

Look after him.
- [Woman] Sure.

- [Tom] She's going to throw up.

- What took you so long?

I was beginning to get worried.

Was that the ship?
- [Katherine] No.

But something else happened.

Q tried to kidnap me.

Only I was saved, by this man, Perez.

- [Tom] Did he give you those jammies?

- [Crow] Hey, a View-Master!

And it's Mount Rushmore!

- [Joel] It's Mel Torme!
- [Tom] It's Don Adams!

- [Joel] Noel Coward?
- [Crow] Tommy Sledge?

- Oh, can I help you?

Are you looking for anything special?

- Oh no, I'm just browsing around.

You see, I have to do a lot of travelling,

so I'm always buying travel guides.

- [Tom] That's a picture of you naked!

You are sick!

- Special correspondent
for World Magazine,

Roberto Okamura.

Well!

You're the famous writer, aren't you?

- [Joel] Well, could be, your
guess is as good as mine.

- I read one of your
articles a short while ago.

- [Crow] It sucked!

- And I thought you did a
wonderful job describing

Q's increasing power in
the various countries.

- [Tom] Oui, I did do that.

- You have a rather
special interest in it.

Mighty Jack interests you too, I guess?

(crosstalk)
(whistling)

- Oh, I don't know what you mean.

I'm only a salesgirl in this store here.

- [Crow] I'm not an
operative for Mighty Jack.

- Why don't we step out and
have a little cup of coffee?

Just the two of us.

- [Joel] Building castles in the sand.

- About Mighty Jack.

It's got a lot of friends in this store.

- Roberto.

I don't think that your readers

would be interested in
what goes on around here.

Do you?

- Ah, you're the person in
charge here, Mr. Atari, right?

- [Tom] Still trying to launch Pong, eh?

- Yes, the famous Mr. Atari.

(laughing)

You know what puzzles me?

The newspapers often
talk about Mighty Jack.

- [Crow] But nobody
does anything about it!

- They never mention the crew.

Not once.

Only the mechanical details.

The design and all its latest equipment.

I have a responsibility to our readers.

I'd like to write about who the crew is.

All human interest stuff, you know.

- Well, then write what you have to.

- [Crow] Uh-oh.
(screaming)

- [Tom] Oh, I forgot it's Tuesday!

- Are you all right, Roberto?

- [Crow] No, my elbow
exploded, what do you think?

(ominous music)

Oswald.
- [Tom] No, no, no.

Hey, don't point, that's not polite.

- [Crow] Wait, Mr. Ice Cream man!

- Up there, the roof!

- [Joel] Up yours, you goof!

- [Crow] Kato, look out!

- Blasted!

- [Tom] Targermagarget!

- Jerry!
- [Crow] Dean!

- Where is he?
- [Jerry] He got away!

- Oh, what have you got there?

- [Tom] Wait, he's talking to himself.

What's goin' on?

- [Joel] Your wind song stays on my mind.

- Strange-looking
bullet, it's transparent.

- [Crow] Like this plot.

- [Jerry] I've never seen
anything like this before.

- [Tom] Hello.
- [Yabuki] How did it go?

- [Atari] Same results as before.

- Is that so?

- We raised the heat to 800
degrees without melting it.

Or even altering its molecular structure.

It's definite proof that--
- [Tom] Shh!

The man might be listening.

Ah!

- [Crow] Oh.

(grunting)

Rolling papers.

I'll roll us a doob, you
put on some Allman Brothers.

That Eat a Peach album.
(chuckling)

(blubbering)

- [Joel] It's a wonderful
afternoon to be doing--

- You knew about that?

- Sometimes its necessary to
keep the enemy well informed.

- I thought that we ought to tell them

we knew about the high-temperature ice.

Now we'll wait and see how they react.

- Oh.

You mean Roberto?
- [Tom] Duran?

- Yes, he's an agent of Q.

- And Perez?

- [Crow] Well, we'll always have Paris.

- There's no proof yet.

Katherine's investigating that now.

- I understand Dr. Takibana
will be returning tomorrow.

- [Atari] Good, we'll go question him.

- [Jerry] Is the doctor a Q agent?

- [Joel] Is the doctor a Q agent?

(mocking vocalizations)

- [Yabuki] A job for you, Atari.

- Yes.

- [Tom] On a very special
Trapper John, MD...

- [Crow] Oh, it's thirsty
Thursday, two bucks for a mug,

and then raspberry comets
are a buck after that.

- [Tom] Wow.
- [Crow] Yeah.

- Interesting lecture.

- Yes, I enjoyed it.

(murmuring)

- [Tom] So he's liquid metal, eh?

- Excuse me doctors, we'd
like to speak to you.

- Not now, I'm very busy.
- [Atari] It's about hot ice.

(gasping)

- [Tom] Wow, my favorite band!

- Here.

It's not made of glass, but only of water.

- [Crow] But it's the best I can do.

- [Atari] I believe you were
working on this experiment.

(sniffing)

- [Tom] Did you clean that off real good?

Ice, ice, baby?

- Would you gentlemen excuse me?

(crosstalk)

Thank you.

Oh, Fritz, I'll take that.

- [Tom] Sure thing, stach.

- This is Fritz, he's my assistant.

- Atari
- [Fritz] How do you do?

- Jerry.
- [Fritz] How do you do?

Well, I must go now.

- Goodbye.
- [Tom] Okay, goodbye.

- Shall we go to my office?

(upbeat music)

- Someone broke in and
stole all my records.

[Crosstalk]

10 years of research.
- [Tom] Bummer.

- I'd nearly completed all my experiments.

And then, one day all my papers were gone.

- [Tom] So I quit my route.

- [Takibana] What a tragedy.
- [Tom] Liberty, egality.

- And now I see that someone has

carried my work to its final stage.

Ice that won't melt, even
under very high temperatures.

- [All] So what?

- Atari, have you any idea
who could've stolen them?

- Could it be Dr. Funmueller
from West Germany?

- [Tom] Wrong, go fish!

- He's engaged in similar research,

though our methods are quite different.

If you analyze this substance,

you will see that it could not

have been made without using my process.

- [Crow] With liquid metal.

- Fritz, your assistant?

- [Takibana] No, definitely not.

- Why not?

- You see, Fritz is my son.
(Crow gasps)

- [Tom] You named your son Fritz?

- [Takibana] My wife died many
years ago, she was German.

- [Tom] So you're available?
- [Takibana] Fritz is my son.

He grew up in Berlin.

- I understand.

- Atari.

I told you a little while ago

all that work of 10 years had been stolen.

- [Crow] I lied.

- It was a great loss.

But now I realize I was
wrong to speak about

my work prematurely.
- [Joel] Oops.

- It was out of vanity.
- [Joel] And Apollonia.

- I opened the door for the thief.

(ominous music)

- What do you think?

- [Crow] Let's go Italian today.

- It's hard to say if
he's telling the truth.

But he sounded very sincere.

- There's still one suspect.
- [Jerry] Who?

- Dr. Funmueller.

- [Tom] Oh, the Chinese guy!

- Let's go then.

- [Crow] Mystery guest, sign in please!

Well here we are at Doctor
Klutzy Von Doorknob's place.

- Well, Atari, it's good you're here.

I'd like to introduce
this gentleman to you.

This is Dr. Funmueller.

- [Tom] We've been smoking Lebanese Blonde

and we're flying right now.

- How do you do?
- [Atari] Doctor.

(buzzing)
- [Crow] Joy buzzer.

Oh, love that gag.

- Atari.
- [Atari] Sir?

- [Tom] Where do you get your seat waxed?

- Claims that all his research
documents have been stolen.

- [Crow] Oh Andy, oh my
research documents, oh.

- Ja.

- Then you're half Japanese, half French,

with some Vietnamese
mixed in, is that right?

- [Joel] Yeah, the call me mongrel boy.

- During the war, I was
sent to school in Italy.

- [Tom] 3/16ths speed,
that's all I ever heard.

- I never saw either of them again.

They both died in Vietnam.

- [Crow] Oh, that war.

Shh, don't talk about that war.

- [Joel] No.

- I'm sure you suffered a great deal then.

- [Crow] Suffered, oh yes, yes.

- But today, the world's
a different place.

There's so much to live for!

- [Joel] Oh, you don't
know the half of it.

- They say that the happiest
people are the ones with faith.

- [Tom] What are ya, Barbra
Streisand all of the sudden?

- Oh.

I'm afraid that I left
my cigarette lighter

in your store the other day.

(Tom chuckles)

- The one who stole those
papers must be working for Q.

We have to try and set some kind of trap

to discover the traitor, right?

Harry, Eddy?
- [Both] Yes sir?

- Find out who else had
access to those files.

- [Crow] Hey, what's William
Faulkner doing in there?

- Did you see a lighter?

- [Joel] Hey, that scene just hooked up

with the other scene...
- [Tom] Wow!

- [Joel] Oh, now they're back.

- Thank you.

And here's something for you.

- Oh.

- Well, it's been real nice.

- [Tom] See ya later kid.

♫ Dooby dooby doo ♫

(vocalizing)

- [Crow] Ah, Rupert Murdoch.

(all whistling)

- [Joel] Enough.

- [Crow] Now we have to
pay the French government.

- [Joel] Oh, this is
just like the chase scene

from the French Connection.

- [Tom] I thought that was French.

The whole French thing.

It's very French.

Oh, they're just going to spend some time

in the discipline box there.

- [Jerry] Mighty Jack.

- Perez.

Avanti!

- Si.

- [Tom] Si?

- Been waiting long?
- [Crow] All my life.

- Oh!

- [Tom] That long huh?

- I'm going out to eat now.

I just came into a little money,

you free for dinner tonight?

- Yes, I am.
- [Tom] Arby's okay?

- Is this your car?

- No, I borrowed it from a friend.

- [Katherine] Oh, I see.

- I know a terrific new place.

Come on, get in, okay?

- [Tom] You understand him?

- [Joel] Mm-mm.

- Um, take me to the nearest plot point.

- [Tom] Nice helmet there.

(ominous music)
Say, you're kinky!

- [Crow] So anyway, that's
why I use Old Spice.

- Enter.
- [Crow] Enter?

Whatever happened to come in?

- [Tom] Sorry dear I'm afraid we

have to put you in steerage.

- Please.

- [Crow] Tight pack, Captain.

(Tom chuckles)

- Pronto, pronto.

- [Joel] Pups, mini donuts, cotton candy,

that sort of thing.

(speaking Italian)

- A, B...

- [Tom] Ooh, ee, ooh ah ah, ting tang,

walla walla bing bang.

- [Joel] What, Gaddafi's
hosting silent theater?

- Operation two completed!

(chuckling)

- [Tom] Get on with this.

- Bene, pronto.

- [Crow] Buddha, I'm off script now.

(Tom chuckles)

- What did you say?

- [Joel] I don't know, it was Italian!

I think I ordered wine.

- They're now constructing a new island

for their experiments.

To replace the old one.

I just gave orders to have it destroyed.

With our iceberg method.

- [Tom] Iceberg lettuce?

- [Roberto] Of course.

Once it is destroyed, you
will no longer be able

to develop the weapons to defeat us.

- [Crow] You die Joan.

- [Roberto] The whole
of the United Nations

will have to submit to our will.

- You filthy traitor!

- [Joel] Thank you, say that again.

- You're not going to
get away with it though.

Mighty Jack will stop you!

- [Tom] Yeah, whatever.

- So you admit there's
a connection between

Mighty Jack and you?

- [Crow] She sang like a bird!

- [Roberto] No matter what they try,

Mighty Jack is now powerless.

- No, nothing will help them.

- Why do you say that?
- [Joel] 'Cause it's my line!

(Perez laughing)
- [Tom] You're stuck here!

- Perez, contact our agent right away.

- [Crow] Get us out of this film.

- [Tom] It's Woody Guthrie.

- [Joel] Hey, my mood
ring's going all kooky!

(beeping)

- [Crow] Adam West?

Pete Dupont?

- [Tom] Yeah, he looks like Pete.

- [Fritz] Hello father.

- [Crow] Hello Mother.

- [Tom] Here I am in Okinawa.

- So you're the one who--
- [Fritz] Yes.

You should have realized it long ago.

I opened your safe and
gave all your records to Q.

- [Takibana] How could you?

All my life's work.

- [Tom] The Archies.

- [Takibana] You, of
all people, my own son.

- Yes, I knew you'd say that.

All my life, you could
only think of me Japanese,

but inside I'm German.

- [Joel] Kinda like sushi stroganoff.

- How much did they give you to betray me

and work with those monsters?

- You've never acknowledged--

- [Crow] Now he looks like Roddy McDowall.

- [Tom] I don't get it.

- All those years, you took the credit.

Only now, things will be different.

I'll have my own laboratory.

With Q I have a great future.

- [Tom] My own room and my own phone too!

- Stealing another man's ideas?

- [Tom] Ooh!
- Betraying your father?

By dealing with murderers?

- Yes.
- [Tom] Yes!

- Your ideas and ethics are too antiquated

for you to understand
what we are creating.

- [Joel] Look at my
warts, I had to be evil!

- Conquer the whole world.
(laughing)

- [Joel] Well, it's good to have goals.

- Fritz!

- [Crow] The Wicker Man?

Now they're in Ireland!

- Why have we come here?

- I have proof that Dr.
Takibana was working for Q.

(Mary and Tom gasp)

I'm going to check out his apartment.

You stay as lookout.

- [Tom] Oh, we can't stay, we gotta go.

- You stay here!

(crosstalk)

- [Joel] We go, you stay here.

(doors closing)

- Help, help!

Watered the ship!

We're all gonna die!

A fireball!

- Joel, come on, you're
not fooling anybody.

That's an aquarium you
put in front of Cambot

that's causing this effect here.

- I know, I know, I was just getting ready

to do a big pitch to Hollywood.

You know, we got tons of offers from

interested executives
after Crow read his piece

in Reader's Theater
called Earth Versus Soup.

- Yep, now I've got a development deal

with Anson Williams'
Enchantment Productions,

and plus, I'm doing a
rewrite on Next of Kin II.

- Yeah, so I thought we could
do the pitch underwater.

You know, like cash in
on some of the excitement

that's been generated
from movies like The Deep

and The Abyss and others.

- Wow, that's a great idea Joel.

As a matter of fact, I was
just watching Mighty Jack,

and I couldn't help but think,

this would make a great movie!

- Right, yeah, okay.

I was thinking like started
off with a submarine.

(vocalizing)

Grey Lady down Grey Lady down!

I can't seem him, they got
a caterpillar here, sir!

- [Tom] Nice Joel, that's nice.

- [Crow] Ha ha, great Joel.

The man should be in a straight jacket.

- [Joel] Here come the
animals, two by two.

- [Tom] Woah woah, what does Noah

have to do with anything here Joel?

- [Joel] It's the ark of
the of the star eater!

- [Crow] That's it, that's
it, get me around here.

- [Tom] Go tear his arm off!
- [Joel] Hey wait a minute!

What are you tryin' to do?

- [Crow] I was gonna tear your arm off.

- [Joel] Oh, come on.

Anyway, the really good thing is that

Steven Spielberg is now doing a bunch of

movies based on cartoon characters.

You know, like the
Flintstones and Bloom County.

And, it just goes on like that.

- [Tom] Yeah, what's he gonna do next,

Casper the Friendly Ghost?
(laughing)

- [Joel] Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I was thinking it'd be a great time

to bring even more cartoon
characters to the big screen.

You know, like Deputy Dog.
- [Tom] That's Droopy.

- [Joel] And Otie Calony.

And Josie and the Pussycats.

- [Tom] I can't stand to
see him like this Crow.

- [Crow] No, I can't either.

- Hey, you guys, come back.

I can be nutty, just like the rest of you

and do dumb puns and stuff like that.

There's no reason why I can't.

You know, I'm weird and
that results in creativity.

Well, speaking of the nutty.

Here's a word from our
friends at Shake-A-Pudding.

(upbeat music)

- [Crow] That was a pretty
good idea, actually.

- [Joel] Oh, and Sinatra's
going right for the scotch.

- [Tom] Yeah, wouldn't ya know it.

Hey, she's got Judy Carne hair there.

Aah.
(gulps)

- Mary!
- [Crow] Tyler!

- [Joel] Moore?

- [Crow] Put it in the box.

- [Tom] It's okay.

Oh, it's a rock tumbler, this should

pad out the film a little.
- [Joel] Oh no.

- A nice little toy.

Portable syncraton unit.

- [Joel] Oh, you made that up!

- Dr. Takibana changes
water to ice instantly.

By accelerating their molecules.

- [Tom] You accelerate
my molecules, Doctor.

- Anyone has the power to alter

molecular structure anywhere.

- [Crow] And they usually do.
- [Mary] I see.

Then you can even make ice bullets?

- Yes!

(chuckling)

- [Joel] You think that's funny?

- [Crow] It's Fritz!

You can tell by his blinking pinkie ring.

(grunting)

- [Tom] Ooh, take down, two points!

Oh, reversal, another two points.

- [Crow] You two want some gum?

- [Tom] It's a lady Sunbeam.

(beeping)

- [Atari] That's Mary's signal.

Just what I've been waiting for.

- [Jerry] What do you mean?

- I assumed Q was clever enough

to detect if anyone was acting.

- [Joel] Oh, no danger of that.

- Mary doesn't know who their agent is.

- You like living dangerously.

- Let's go, Doctor.
- [Tom] Let's play doctor!

(Tom chuckles)

- [Joel] Anytime, Daddy-o.

- [Crow] See if you can get Rush Limbaugh.

Yeah, that's him.
(jazzy music)

- [Tom] Can't get rid of it.

Get rid of it!

Dear god, it's on every station!

Get rid of it.

Woah.

- [Joel] We're on the
wrong side of the street!

- [Tom] Oh, it's Japan.

- [Atari] Where'd they go?

- I'm not sure about Dr. Takibana.

Roberto tried to stop
Fritz, but he got away.

He made off with the portable syncraton.

- Syncraton?
- [Mary] Yes!

- [Tom] Sounds like a soap opera.

(phone ringing)

- [Crow] Folks, it's just a phone.

Pick it up.

- [Joel] Hey, come on,
it's my dad from Florida,

shut up Sven, come on!

Be cool.

- [Voiceover] Dr. Fritz?
- Ja.

- [Voiceover] We'll go ahead as planned.

The ship is waiting at
the Shibaura Maru dock.

- [Tom] The sheep?

There's a sheep waiting for them?

- [Crow] Jawohl, Mein
Kampf, all that stuff.

- Q must be trying to help Dr. Takibana

and his son escape!

- [Joel] Is that part of the plot?

- [Tom] Who knows.

(humming)

- The man we were waiting for.

- [Crow] We're just waiting for a table.

- Well.

- [Tom] So, just plum ran out
of things to say here, huh?

- [Perez] Senorita, you're coming with us.

- [Joel] He asked me, he asked me!

Today my dreams come true!

- And make sure that Dr.
Takibana doesn't commit suicide.

- [Crow] Yeah, he's always pullin' that.

- Papa.

- [Tom] Oh good, a familiar face.

Adam West is back.

- Don't go away, I'll come right back.

Please don't you try anything.

- [Tom] Don't touch that dial.

(ominous music)

- [Tom] It's like What's
Up Doc all of the sudden.

- [Joel] Come on, punch it
Hal, I wanna die with you!

- [Crow] Oh, Chinese fire drill.

- [Joel] You mean Japanese.
- [Crow] Right, right.

- [Tom] Oh, they're gonna make balloons.

- The ship's down there,
you cover the other side!

- [Tom] I'll cover the waterfront.

(humming)

Who's whooping?

- Just another few minutes!

I'm sure Fritz will show up!

- Yes!

- Roberto.
- [All] Clemente.

- It's strange you only mentioned Fritz.

(gasps)

You should've said Dr. Takibana and Fritz!

- [Crow] Doh!

- It's not true!

- All right, Mr. Q.
(Crow stammering)

I think you better start talking.

- [Tom] I was born in the
house my father built.

- So if Dr. Takibana isn't a Q agent,

why did you lead us out here like this?

- Look!

- [Joel] I don't believe he fell for that.

- [Tom] Unbelievable.

- He was only stalling us to
give them time to get away.

- They'll kill Katherine!

(gunshots)
- [Crow] They hate these cans!

- [Tom] Oh, these Ludlum novels are, huh?

- All right, get inside come on.

Mighty Jack.

Mighty Jack!

- [Man] The door will only open

for 11 pre-registered voices.
- [Tom] Oceans 11.

- I'm not one of them.

- Bring her here.

(gasps)

- [Crow] Try swordfish.

- [Tom] Well then.

I'm going to change your sparkplugs.

Ha ha, that will make her talk.

- I don't think shooting
me is going to help.

- You're right.

But now we'll get a chance to
see how good this gadget is!

- [Joel] We're going to
make monster bubbles!

(buzzing)

- [Crow] Jeannie, no!

Major Nelson snowed on her.

- [Tom] There, you see, it
flocks evenly with no mess.

Have a Christmas tree?

This'll do the trick.

Dum dum dum.

- [Crow] Robert Ludlum will
be back in the Uvula Scenario!

- Don't shoot her!

It's no use.

We're lost.

Q is too strong, there is
nothing we can do to stop them.

(laughing)

Go on!

- [Joel] Fitting room
number four's open, sir.

- [Crow] Hey, there's a rule,
one person per fitting room.

- [Fritz] This is quite
an installation here.

- [Tom] Yes Rick, it is.
(laughing)

- [Joel] Ah, get me a sandwich, would ya?

- Can you get to the pier?
- [Tenda] Yes sir!

- No, I'll go instead.
- [Atari] Hurry!

- [Joel] Yeah, ham on rye
and take off the anise seed,

I hate those, okay?

Thanks.
(splashing)

- [Tom] Ooh, she's going to the aqua deli.

(ominous music)

Scarf Theater will be
back, right after this.

- Okay.

- [Crow] It's the Righteous Brothers!

- [Joel] You've lost that...

- [Crow] Syncrocylatron.

- [Joel] Ooh, got a bad clam, huh?

(muffled groaning)

Oh not that old gag!

- [Tom] Dad!
- [Atari] Come on.

- Move!

- Go on, no tricks.

(grunting)

- [Tom] Ooh, Samsonite luggage.

- Let's get out of here!

- Wait.

Okay.

- [Crow] Ah, the plot was moving

a little too fast for his liking.

(Tom chuckles)

(suspenseful music)

- [Tom] Well then.

- [Joel] It's a pineapple roaster,

watch us roast your
pineapples slice, you pick it!

- [Tom] Pineapple roaster?

- [Crow] I love it.
(laughing)

- [Joel] That's funny, you gotta admit,

roasted pineapple slices, it's neat.

- Okay, come.

- Hold it!

- [Tom] Now hold it up to the light.

Oh that's better, we're in a
completely different film now.

(humming)

- [Crow] And we call it the postage meter.

- We'll surprise them.
- [Perez] Come on!

Having fun?
- [Crow] Surprise!

(laughing)
- [Jerry] Down!

- [Joel] Ah, we shouldn't
have taken the time to laugh!

(gunshots)

- [Tom] This thing is great.

Ooh, a bigger one.

William Faulkner grabs the package.

Darn!

- [Crow] You, stunt left.

You, slant deep, you,
right sound in the fury.

Let's go!

- [Joel] Well, you got holes in your gun!

- [Crow] Yeah, well you got
peanut butter in my chocolate.

- [Tom] Hmm?

- [Crow] Pew Pew.
- [Jerry] Drop it!

- [Tom] Tadow, tadow!

- Don't shoot!

- [Joel] Come on, come on.

Ooh!
- [Tom] Ooh.

- [Crow] All right, now you slow dance,

don't try to lead, I got a gun!

(Tom chuckles)

- [Joel] It's the Yancy Street Gang!

- [Tom] Hasta la vista, baby.
- [Joel] I may be German,

but I'm fast!
(laughing)

- [Jerry] Don't move!

- [Tom] Oh, no way out!

- [Joel] Hey!
- [Tom] Fritz!

- [Joel] Come on!
- [Crow] No, don't!

(explosion)

- [Tom] Oh, boy.

- [Crow] He died as he
lived, lovin' his work.

(Tom chuckles)

(upbeat music)

- [Tom] It's Disneyland Tokyo.

- [Crow] Ah, here we are at plot recovery.

- All right.
(heavy breathing)

- [Joel] Everybody get in the shot!

Come on, stay on camera.
- [Atari] How are you?

- A little weak.

Q is going to...
- [Atari] What about Q?

- They're going to destroy the island.

In Amori Bay.

- With the freezing process?
- [Katherine] Yes.

I overheard Roberto give the order.

It was for today.

You must hurry.
- [Tom] Don't touch me.

Let go of me!
- [Katherine] You must hurry!

- [Tom] You must sink the Bismark.

- Get back to Mighty
Jack, full-scale alert.

- [Mary] Yes sir!
- Combat stations!

- [All] Yes sir!

(adventurous music)

- [Joel] Again with the bank turn!

- [Tom] Cryin' out loud.
- Increase speed.

- [Crow] But I'll get carsick!

- Increase speed.

- [Atari] Nuclear rockets.

- Ready to fire.

- Engine room.

- Gauge indicates temperatures rising.

- [Crow] Pineapples up.

Frost 'em.

- [Tom] Make 'em icy.

- Master, ready to engage Mighty Jack!

- [Tom] Am I still in this film?

(Crow meows)
- At last.

- Coolant not reacting?

Temperature rising.
- [Tom] Mojo rising.

- Increase speed.

The iceberg, Q's headquarters.

- Major, let's hit them right now.

We'll never have a
better chance than this.

- [Tom] Yeah.

- Get ready to fire.
- [Jerry] Right.

(alarm blaring)
- [Tom] Uh-oh.

- [Crow] Fries are up.
- What is it?

What's wrong?

- [Tom] The A's are much too high, sir!

- 200, sir, the temperature's
continually rising.

Another 100 degrees and the
engine room will explode.

- What are we gonna do?

- [Joel] Well, don't
go in the engine room.

- We've got to find a way
to reduce the temperature.

Jerry!
- [Tom] What, oh, why bother.

- See if Dr. Takibana can help us, go on!

- Yes sir!

- Jerry.

They better hurry or Q will
blast us right out of here!

- [Jerry] They're working
on the syncraton now.

- [Tom] They bought that syncraton thing.

High school shop classes
are quickly taken.

- Can't you hurry?

They're helpless out there!

- I'm doing all I can.

Try that switch.
- [Crow] You try it.

I'm bitter.

- I'll take over, try the backup system.

- [Joel] You guys had all
semester to work on this.

- Yuri, Yuri, how's it going?

- The temperature's still rising,

I can't seem to control it.

- Hurry Doctor, you've
gotta get it working!

- [Crow] Um, um.

- Sir, the temperature's still rising.

We'll explode any second,
what should we do?

- [Crow] I can't change the
laws of physics, Captain!

I've got to have 30 minutes!

- I've got it, it's working now!

- [Crow] He just plugged it in.

- It's working, it's working!

- Direct it onto the engines.

- [Joel] And get a little
on the plot, if you can.

- Right.

- [Crow] You die, Bazooka Joe!

- All right, now fire.

(moaning)

- [Tom] It's good for me, how 'bout you?

- The ice is melting!

The temperature's dropping,
the temperature's dropping!

- Great!

- [Crow] The A's are down, but
you can never count 'em out.

- [Tom] Yeah you know what those...

- [Yuri] All systems functioning.

- Start up.
- [Joel] Shut up!

- All right, let's get them.

- [Crow] Continuous bank
turn continuing sir.

(laughing)

- [Tom] All right, enough
with that shot too.

- [Crow] It's balsa wood.
- [Tom] Yeah, I think so.

(bombs whistling)

They always whistle underwater,

they are underwater, aren't they?

- [Crow] I don't know,
but it's really dark.

Ah, they bent the ship.

Hey, go down to Ben Franklin and

pick up another one, would ya?

- [All] Here comes Super Car!

Super Car!

- [Tom] Look, new underwear,
fruit of the loom.

(airplane vocalizations)

- [Joel] It's Gamera!

- [All] Oh.

- [Crow] It's the bubblin' flubber vision!

(laughing)

- Laser gun.
- [Jerry] Laser gun.

- Launch rockets!
- [Joel] End movie!

(explosions)

- [Crow] You know, this really
isn't a very good movie.

- [Joel] No, it's not.

- Fire second battery!

- [Tom] Fire screenwriter!

♫ We have to sink the Bismark

♫ We have to do the job ♫

- [Joel] Hey, Johnny,
quit splashing in the tub!

- [Tom] Ooh.
- Third battery!

- [Tom] What?

Did he say turd battery?

- Attack.

- [Joel] What do you
think they've been doing?

Come on!

- [Crow] Defrost!

- [Joel] Oh, they hit the cherry center.

- [Tom] That about does it, doesn't it?

Yes!
- [Jerry] They stopped firing!

We got them, we got them!

- [Joel] And the fries are up,

it's a glorious moment for all.

- [Tom] Bask.

They beat us, Flopsy!
(crow meows)

It's generic kitty litter from now on.

- [Joel] The Guns of Navarone.

(explosions)

- [Tom] See you on the other side, Flopsy.

- [Crow] No way, I got
eight more lives, dick weed!

Meow!

(alarm blaring)
- [Tom] Now what?

Ooh!

(yelling)
- [Joel] Oh, bad rhubarb!

Exploding rhubarb!

(yelling)

- [Tom] In the land of
Dairy Queen, we blow you up.

(yelling)

- [Joel] We're blowing up, rhubarb.

(crosstalk)

- [Tom] Overbaked Alaska.
(Tom chuckles)

(explosions)

It's beautiful, in its own sick way.

Uh-oh.

- [Crow] Who am I?

Ernest Hemingway, get it?

- [Joel] Hey, that's the coward's way out!

♫ And now it's over

♫ The man who shot himself ♫

We now return to Ice Station
Zebra, already in progress.

- Well, that's the end of Q.

- Good work men.

It was a difficult mission, but we did it.

I hope it wasn't too tough on you.

- It's been an honor
working with you, sir.

- [Tom] I love you sir.

- All right, let's go home!
- [All] Yes, sir!

- [Tom] It will take us
about a half hour to get home

and I'm gonna film every minute of it.

(groaning)

♫ This is the end of the movie ♫

Mighty Jack will be
back, in Robert Ludlum's

the Crimson (sputtering) Conspiracy.

- [Tom] Oh wait wait, we gotta
see the Sandy Frank sign.

That's my favorite part.

- [Crow] You've seen it a million times.

- [Joel] What a bother.

♫ Sandy Frank, Sandy Frank ♫

(doors closing)

Well, me grimy buckos,

the movie's over, the pain has passed,

and I's feel like singing a plot shanty.

Be lively now, me bonny wraiths.

♫ Oh slow the plot down, Laddy

♫ Slow the plot down

♫ Way way,

♫ Slow the plot down

♫ We'll scuttle the story

♫ And run 'er aground

♫ We'll try so hard to
slow the plot down ♫

- Okay, now who can tell
me their favorite scene

from the movie so far.

(crosstalk)

- There was the...

♫ Oh, slow the plot down, Laddy

♫ Slow the plot down

♫ Way, Way

♫ Slow the plot down

♫ With German, Italian and Japanese clowns

♫ We'll try so hard to
slow the plot down ♫

- Okay, well how about you, Crow?

You must be full to bursting with some

fond memories of today's
movie, come on, think hard.

- Oh, uh.

Jeez Joel, I'm drawin' a blank.

- Yeah, me too.

- Oh, I remember, vaguely.

A guy locked in a room with another guy

and someone running...

♫ Oh, we'll make you a movie

♫ That's long and immense

♫ Way, way

♫ Slow the plot down

♫ Just give us a script
that makes no friggin' sense

♫ We'll try so hard to
slow the plot down ♫

Well, come on you guys.

I can remember, I for one, in vivid detail

a frogman who...

Who's Mighty Jack anyway?

- Oh, wow, it just hit me!

I remember!

The scene where Queequeg
sits motionless on the deck

meditating, foretelling
the death of the crew!

- Oh yeah, yeah, Scout sees Atticus shoot

the mad dog in the street...

- Right, I remember, and
then Patrick Swayze walks in

and says, "It's my way or the highway."

(laughing)

- Oh, my brain hurts.

- Oh Joel, I'm so confused!

- It's really not that bad, you guys.

I for one actually feel
like I just got done

listening to two hours of Lou
Reed's Metal Machine Music.

You know, my brain feels
clean as a whistle.

- And that's pretty good!

- Yeah!

- Let's take it home, boys!

♫ Slow the plot down, Laddy

♫ Slow the plot down

♫ Way, way

♫ Slow the plot down

♫ Just scuttle the story

♫ And run 'er aground

♫ We'll try so hard

♫ To slow the plot down ♫

(laughing)

- Mighty Overlords, what do ya think?

- Well, I think I'm going to have to

adjust your air mixture again, Pirate dog.

Looks like it's getting
a little thin up there.

Push the button Frank.

- Arg, me thoughts so cold, so vast.

With mortal tense and overcast

exalting still thy take each breath

adrift, dissolving.

Bound for death, isn't
that right, Blind Jim?

- Oh great, you've got Frank locked up,

he's quoting Melville.

Go away!

- [Frank] For still the slimy
slug that sprawls along.

- [Forrester] Oh shut up, Frank.

(slow instrumental music)