Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 1, Episode 12 - Fugitive Alien - full transcript

♫ In the not too distant future

♫ Next Sunday, AD

♫ There was a guy named Joel

♫ Not too different from you or me

♫ He worked at Gizmonic Institute

♫ Just another face in a red jump suit

♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place

♫ But his bosses didn't like him

♫ So they shot him into space

♫ We'll send him cheesy movies

♫ The worst we can find

♫ La la la

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ And we'll monitor his mind

♫ La la la

♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control

♫ When the movies begin or end

♫ La la la

♫ Because he used those special parts

♫ To make his robot friends

♫ Robot roll call

♫ Cambot

♫ Gypsy

♫ Tom Servo

♫ Crow

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ And other science facts

♫ La la la

♫ Then repeat to yourself it's just a show

♫ I should really just relax

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

(doors slamming)

- Hey chicky, chicky,
here chicky chicky chicky

- Hi everybody, welcome
to the satellite of love.

You caught us in the
middle of one of Joel's

life simulation exercises.

Joel's pretending to be a dairy farmer

from southern Wisconsin, help us!

- Oh what happened to you?

Well anyway, hi there folks.

Ya know I've been having
trouble with velvet leaf,

cut worm, and fox tail.

And well that's when the representative

from Monsanto came out to my farm.

He recommended a pre-emergent,

infertile mixture of lorsban with atrozine

in a tank mix.

And I told him to get off my land.

Here chicky chicky chicky.

- [Voiceover] Have you chores done

by commercial cycle,
which is in 15 seconds.

- Yes'm, oop, yup.

- Real life simulation,
call this what you may,

the fact is Joel's dressing
up robots as farm animals.

- Come on it's milkin' time.
- [Gypsy] Moo!

- [Voiceover] Commercial starting in

five, four, three, two,
commercial sign on.

- Yep just as I thought.

These hens just aren't producin'.

I'm gonna have to spray
y'all with insecticide.

(all clucking)

(upbeat music)

(clucking)

See, yeah, yeah, it really works.

You can cut off a chicken's head

and it'll still run all over the place.

Another fun thing to do on the farm

is cow tipping!

- Moo!

- Gee there's a lot of time to
kill on a farm, isn't there?

- Yeah would you mind reuniting my head

with my body, please, Joel Bob?

- Who said that?

- Old Joel Robinson had a farm?

- E I E I don't think so.

- Well never before has the term "booby"

been more appropriate.

Why don't you tell them about
the invention exchange, Frank.

- Well when you're on the go
kind of a guy like myself,

sometimes you need ear drops,

sometimes you need eye drops,

sometimes you need nose drops,

sometimes you need throat drops,

sometimes when you touch,

the honesty's too much,
I want to hold you.

- Oh shut up, Frank!

Look, carrying all
those medications around

granted, is an inconvenience.

That's why I say, combine them.

That's why we invented the orbital,

auto-rhino-laryngilogical dropper.

It very conveniently
combines all the ear, nose

and throat medications you need

into a convenient package.

(gargling and groaning)

What do you think farm boy?

- Well this is perfect

because after your invention
makes people feel better,

they can enjoy their good health

by going to the park and
enjoying this new invention.

It's called the musical chair.

(xylophone music)

Get it?

(xylophone music)

- Snappy.

- Yeah what better way to sit in

with your favorite musicians?

Sit in with the.

Because it's a chair and uh.

- What do you think sirs?

- Eh, I thought it had no texture.

Say what's the ladder for?

- Well Frank, we've got a
very special guest today

to tell Joel and the bots
about today's experiment.

It's someone we all know and love.

I think you're going to be excited.

Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Jack Perkins.

- Jack Perkins wow!

- Hello, today's experiment is called

Fugitive Alien, a
wonderful film from Japan.

Not to be confused with The Fugitive,

the classic television series

which can be seen weekdays
right here on A&E.

This is actually a strung together series

of Japanese shows, which when put together

in this way make for what I think

is some of the best TV has to offer.

- Thanks Jack, now we.

- Then Joyce Carol Oates
will be out to read

from her wondrous new work of fiction.

Her first novel in well over a month.

Then, Peter, Paul and Mary will be out

to give us a wondrous rendition

from one of their songs off their

scintillating new album.

Then Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy

will be out to tell us
some poignant stories

of the joys and sorrows of being

really, really, horribly old.

And then Topel will be out.

(alarm buzzing)
- Oh we got movies sir.

Who's Jack Perkins?

- [Joel] Okay, that's good you guys,

- [Crow] Hey, it's The Name of the Rose.

- [Joel] No, it's the smiling
face gone horribly awry!

- [Crow] Oh, oh.

- [Crow] Sandy Frank presents
her own personal hell!

- [Tom] Indeed!

- [Joel] Who is that guy?

- [Tom] Coy honnus can't see!

Conn, oh, nevermind.

- [Crow] Aw man cool this is just like

episode 38 of Star Trek, the first season

but it doesn't have the same kind of.

- [Tom] No no, it's like the star raider

that the Daleks had in the
fifth generation of the Doctor

in the Doctor Who when they
had the three doctors together

and they had the one that looked like Mo.

- [Crow] No it's
definitely like a Klingon.

- [Joel] Okay.

- [Tom] No.

- [Joel] Staring David Jensen of Mars

searching for the one-armed alien.

- [Tom] The traffic on the
outbound orbital planet

is heavy a little on grange two folks

you might try taking an
alternate grange this morning.

- [Crow] Hey, quit passin' on the right.

That's not fair.

- [Tom] Hmm, neat.

- [Crow] Tateyama and shove it!

(Tom laughs)

- [Joel] Heyyyyy.

- [Tom] Cool so.

(all scream)

- [Tom] Don't do that!

- [Crow] Originally produced for the stage

by the Royal Shakespeare Company.

- [Joel] Watch out for that.

- [All] Treee!

- [Tom] Oh, just park it anywhere boys.

Oh just, ow.

- [Voiceover] Here come the raiders.

Run for your lives.

- [Tom] Oh no, raid!

- [Crow] Oh this is super cool

like that first episode
of Battle Star Galactica

when they have to leave the planet

and Jane Seymour got stabbed in the back.

- [Tom] It's like Invasion Earth

and they'll be like zola babies

when the fast space
ships come in and they.

- [Crow] Nuh-uh.

- [Joel] Madame Butterfly?

- Attack!

- [Tom] Uh, we've started already sir.

- Banana Peel!

- [Voiceover] Come on to the shelters.

Run, run!

- [Tom] Oop, I'll catch up.

- Destroy the Earth and its inhabitants.

- [Joel] It's heck raiser!

(exploding)

- [Crow] Hey it's the
Rolling Stones hotel room.

- [Tom] I think it kind
of looks like Morton Thigh

in the early days.

(Crow laughs)

- [Crow] Why do they need so many writers?

- [Tom] Oh they need
one guy for the verbs,

one guy for the nouns, one
guy for the adjectives,

you know, adverbs and guns.

Woah!

Ooh!

It looks like the
Florida/Tokyo stock exchange

on Black Monday doesn't it?

- [Crow] Ah, they've broken
into Carol Channing's house.

(glass tinkling)

- [Tom] Jin kata!

- [Joel] In color.

Wiggly poo, do the wiggly poo!

- [Crow] Aah, I've been
killed by an action figure!

- [Tom] Run, more credits, run!

- [Crow] Hey, no cuttin' in line!

(grunting)

- [Tom] Jin kata, jin kata.

- [Joel] You're not half bad.

- You're alright Ken.

Honestly, I've never
seen anyone so strong.

- [Crow] Certainly not a red head.

- I'm twice as strong back home

on Valnastar.

- [Tom] Say, if you don't shower.

- Did you hear that Ken?

I'll check it out.

- [Crow] How humiliating, Earth taken over

by Judy Garland impersonators.

- [Joel] Ooh spring
break pool jumping dude.

Kick man you're not gonna make it cool.

- [Crow] Bless you.

Heal or not.

- [Joel] Intriguing mix of
genocide and modern dance.

- [Crow] Hey you're starting

to sound like Jack Perkins, Joel.

- [Joel] Heyyyyy.

- Ken, there's one.

- [Tom] When Josie and
the Pussycats go bad.

- Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

You're dead!

- [Tom] Not yet.

- Bang, bang, bang

- [Joel] Well you have split ends.

- Ken, little boys with guns
grow up to be big enemies.

Better kill him while he's still young.

- Hey do you want to play?

- [Woman] Ken!

- Hey is everybody named Ken?

- Where are you Ken?
- [Joel] What gives?

- Planet of the Kens or what?
- [Woman] Ken!

- Planet where Kens are.

- [Tom] Oh what a perfect
apocalyptic jump suit

she's wearing.

- Darling where are you?

Ken!

- [Tom] Hmm?

- [Joel] Wait a minute.

Pink hearts, blue moons,
green Japanese boys.

- [Tom] What is this Don
Kirshner's rock concert

all of a sudden?

- [Woman] Ken!

- Mama!

Mama!

- Don't kill my son,
please don't hurt him.

- [Joel] These Obsession ads are weird.

- [Tom] Between Ken
and Ken lies Obsession.

- [Soldier] Shoot Ken.

Kill them both.

- Which Ken?

- [Joel] The closer Ken
gets, the better Ken looks.

- [Soldier] Ken, what are you waiting for?

- [Tom] Uh-oh, buck fever.

- [Crow] Yep.

- [Joel] Only Ken's Ken
dresser knows for sure.

- [Crow] Ken two help Ken one.

- [Ken] Mama.

- [Tom] Wow they have
such a glow about them.

- [Joel] Mmm-hmm.

- [Crow] His Mama is a saint.

- [Tom] If I have one life to live

let me live it as a Ken.

- Don't shoot!

- Don't shoot!

- [All] Don't shoot!

- [Tom] Spazz!

- [Soldier] Traitor!

- [Ken] I don't kill women and children.

- [Soldier] Then stand
back and let me do it.

I said move!

- [Crow] You're a disgrace to all Kens.

- [Joel] Was that you?

- Ken, Ken, why?

- [Tom] I love you Ken.

- You betrayed us, traitor.

- [Crow] Ah, the name's Ken, call me Ken.

- [Voiceover] You won't
get away with it Ken.

- [Tom] Run Ken run, Ken kill Ken.

- [Voiceover] Get him, he
killed one of his own men.

- I didn't mean to, it was an accident.

- [Tom] Ken 33 go left.

Ken 16 and 18 flank him.

Ken seven go around the back.

Ken four, I mean, ten four?

Ha ha, I got confused.

- There he goes!

There!

He's a traitor, don't let him get away!

- [Crow] Just like that episode

where it was like Nazi world on Star Trek.

- [Tom] No no no, it was like Doctor Who

when Tom Baker was the Doctor.

He was the fifth Doctor

and he was trying to save
Neela from the Clite Masters.

- No cause I saw it at a math tournament.

- [Tom] No, no cause I saw
it in the Who Festival.

They had 12 hours.

- [Crow] He hurt his little pants.

- [Voiceover] After him, he's been hit.

- [Crow] In the pants.

- [Tom] Little pants.

- You have betrayed us.

You will never set eyes
on Valnastar again.

- [Tom] Oh, I flipped and
I didn't even have to.

I just love to do it, just for fun.

- [Joel] What?

- [Tom] Hmm?

- [Joel] It smells like my wig in here.

- I'll get home somehow.

(engine roaring)

- [Crow] Do you want to go faster?

- You will not reach home.

All traitors die.

- [Tom] Don't smoke.

You gotta get that steering column fixed.

- I'll get there if it's
the last thing I do.

- [Tom] Probably will be.

(upbeat music)

- The rangers.

- [Crow] Ay Boo-boo it's the Rangers.

- So they think they can
blow me out of the sky.

- [Tom] Yep.

- This lever is stuck.

- [Tom] So is the lever.

Lever broke.

- I can't get it under control.

- [Crow] I'm a crappy special effect.

- Oh no.

- [Joel] Oh yes.

- [Tom] Oh yes.

- I don't want to die in
the middle of nowhere.

- [Joel] I want to die
in the thong section

of Victoria Secret.

- [Tom] Good call.

Pull up, pull up.

Oh boy.

He's in more trouble than
Hudson Hawk at the box office.

- That's an alien sound.

- [Tom] Say.

- An enemy signal.

- [Crow] Or a garbage truck backin' up.

- They think they can kill me so easily.

Well they're in for a little surprise.

I'm a ranger too.

I'm a Star Wolf.

- [Joel] Of course you are Ken.

Just keep saying that to yourself.

(chanting)

- [All] Monks in space.

- My only chance, I'm
going to have to bail out.

- [Tom] Wait a minute, is that Ken?

- [Crow] It's not Ken, it's Ken.

- [Tom] Oh you mean Ken?

- [Crow] You're confusing him with Ken.

- [Tom] Oh I was thinkin' a Ken.

- [Crow] No, Ken.

- [Tom] Ken, I thought
it was Ken all along.

(chanting)

- [Crow] Now let's see, triple A road map,

flashlight, Mars bar, I'm set.

- [Tom] You know some
people will do anything

to get to mass on holy Thursday,

I gotta tell ya.

- [Crow] Hey, he shouldn't
have had those baked beans.

- [Tom] Woo!

- [Crow] It's too easy.

- [Tom] Was that him or the?

- [Joel] I told you to
watch the speed bumps.

- What do you suppose that was?

- [Tom] It sounded like Ken.

- [Crow] Ken.

- What's happening here?

- Easy Tammy.

- Uh-huh, that was no meteorite.

- [Crow] That was my wife.

(drum roll)

- Turn on the radiation deflector.

- [Joel] That trick never works.

- Operating sir.

- That explosion sent out
powerful magnetic fields,

- [Tom] And so do I.

- It can destroy the spacecraft
if we're not careful.

So stay on the alert.

- Yes sir!

- [Crow] Bless all the Kens everywhere.

- [Tom] This is a sneeze
magnified 100 times.

(sneezes)

- [Joel] Do you smell aliens?

- Looks like we're out of danger now.

- Uh-huh.

- Captain, what's that out there?

- [Tom] It's a Xenith Chromacolor
and it can be all yours

if you pick what's behind door number one.

- A man floating through space.

- You're right.

- [Crow] It's a man with little pants.

- [Tom] It's Frank Poole.

- He must have bailed out of
that ship before it exploded.

Looks like he's still breathing.

- [Joel] Good eye.

- Rocky?

- [Voiceover] Yes, sir?

- [Man] We're going to rescue 'im.

- I don't think that's a very good idea.

Why don't we just leave well enough alone?

- Don't say that.

- He's isn't even wearing a space suit.

No way he could've survived out there.

- He could've!

Dan, what is our mission
if not to save lives?

- Ya know she's right.

Okay, let's go for it Rocky.

- Yes, sir.
- [Tom] Again?

- [Crow] Take your foot off the clutch.

- [Ken] That's not the wolf attacker.

Who could it be?

- [Tom] Oh I remember this.

This is just like in
Marooned when David Janssen

goes to save Gene Hackman
and James Francisus

in the derelict spaceship
before the Soviet uh.

- [Crow] Yeah that's pretty cool.

- [Tom] Yeah and the Soviet
satellite comes up and.

- [Joel] Space Mimes, in color.

- [Tom] Duh duh duh duh.

- [Crow] He's got the monkey bars.

- [Tom] Um, Doctor Levinson I presume?

- [Crow] Give me a hug you big galoot.

- [Woman] He's alive alright.

- [Joel] I got dibs.

- [Dan] I don't get it,
nobody could have survived

that explosion.

- [Man] You're right.

Any normal human being would
have been blown to bits.

- [Joel] Ooh!

- [Man] He's coming to.

- [Crow] Terms with himself.

(Joel laughs)

- [Joel] Ohhhh.

My God I've been captured by Wayne Newton.

- [Crow] Danke Schoen!

- [Man] Hello friend.

- [Joel] Ow!

- Welcome to the Earth's
oldest space ship Bacchus 3.

- [Tom] Model A.

- My name is Joe.

- [Joel] Hello Joe, what do you know?

- [Tom] Just got back from Kokomo.

- How did you ever survive that crash?

- Watch it Ken this might be a trap.

- You sure took your chances out there

without a spacesuit.

- [Joe] Or did your
spacesuit explode as well?

(all laugh)

- Haha, good one sir.

- I just don't get it.

- [Tom] Can't a guy get a
cup of coffee around here?

- Listen.

- I'll answer that sir.

(buzzing)

- This is Bacchus 3 over.

- [Voiceover] This is Space Control.

The Wolf Raiders from Valnastar

have been attacking the earth.

- [All] Huh, huh, huh, huh?

Awwwww.

- [Tom] Whoa, that's a strong reaction.

Seems a little defensive
to me, doesn't he?

- Cut it out you guys.

Cut it out.

- [Joel] Monkey shine.

- [Ken] Can't afford to lose control.

- [Crow] Yeah well
whatta ya call that then?

(Joel laughs)

- [Joel] Aww, you could see the zipper.

(grunting)

- [Tom] I thought so, my best flat wear.

- I've got a couple of questions.

- [Crow] Do you like Peter Allen?

- Who are you?

- [Tom] And what's the
capital of South Dakota?

- And why did you react that way

when you heard the word wolf, huh?

And where did you get all your strength?

- You'd better tell us the truth, fella.

- [Tom] Come on.

Come on!

- I'm an astronomer.

I was doing scientific work.

- [Joel] Huh?

- You're hurting me, let go.

I heard about the Wolf
Raiders on my radio.

That's why I reacted.

- I think he's telling us the truth sir.

- [Joel] I also believe in fairies.

- I don't wanna get killed.

- Captain, UFOs on our radar screen.

- [Crow] I'm busy can't ya see?

Check it.

- Yes sir.

Let's go.

- Right.

- [Tom] Right!

- Nice cuff links.

- [Joel] Pierre Cardin.

Now we're gonna spank you big time.

- I don't want you to move from this spot.

Unless of course you feel
like leaving this ship

and floating in space.

- [Crow] You can get up now.

- [Joel] My sleeve's
comfortable but jeepers.

Huh?

(beeping)

- [Tom] Hey, look that
truck's headed to Utah.

- You keep your eyes on the screen.

- Yes sir.

- All instruments operational?

- Yes sir.

- [Crow] And how.

- We're approaching route MMS 600, sir.

- [Joel] And my heart is racing.

- Look how fast they're going.

Who can generate that kind of velocity?

- Wolf Raiders
- [Tom] I can.

For sure.

(sniffing)

- [Crow] You smell good.

- Sir I don't think
we're any match for them.

- [Crow] Got my nose.

- Look at that!

(mumbling)

- You can't take them on
in this beat up old crate.

Change course.

- Someone put a gag in his mouth.

- [All] I'll do it, I'll do it.

- He's talking sense for once.

They have greater firing power.

This ship is much too old
to take on superior forces

like Wolf Raiders.
(Tom clucking)

- It's too late to turn around now.

I think they've spotted our position.

- [Crow] They're Batman.

- [Joel] Are they listening to ELO?

- Here they come.

(whooshing)

- [Crow] You can see the drapery hooks.

(beeping)

- [Joel] Are you a good
witch or a bad witch?

- This is it.

- [Tom] Let's go.

Hey a got an idea.

Let's get that box of
hats out of the back.

- [Crow] Oh I know where
that is, I'll get it.

(doors slamming)

- What are you two yard monkeys doin' now?

- Well seein' the stupid
Wolf Raider hair helmets

in the experiment reminded me

of all this stuff from
the last hat party we had.

Hey, put that one on.

- Yeah.

- Oh no I don't wanna.

I'd feel silly.

- I remember that one.

That one was the grandest of all.

- Yeah, yeah, I thought we could take some

of these and have fun with them

and maybe make up even more stupider hats.

Ya know, for the next party.

- Oh say, put that one on me.

I got an idea here.

- Okay.

- [Tom] Now ya see this is a helmet

for astronauts who are losing their hair.

(Crow laughs)

When you see Mr. Balding call him over.

- That's a good idea.

- Okay, all right, I'm into it now.

Look at this one.

This goes back to 1981.

I'm a punk from space, get it?

- Ooh.

♫ I am an anarchist ♫

- Get it?

- This big one over here.

Put this one one me, Joel.

- Okay.

- Now I got, I got it.

This is what Patti Labelle would look like

on the space shuttle.

Wahhhhhhh!

- Wow that's cool.

- Go ahead, try that other one there.

Okay.

- Yeah, where is it?

Oh way down there.

- Oh, oh, watch the hand.

- Sorry yeah.

- Oh wow look it.

It's the Ted Koppel satellite of hair.

- Or you can pull down the curl in front

and it would look just
like Frank's hair helmet.

(Crow laughs)

- Oh I think those things are wonderful.

(all laughing)

- Push the button, Frank.

- Doctor F you better
come have a look at this.

Joel and the bots are
making fun of my hair.

My hair!

- Now Frank, let them
have their little fun.

The experiment's not quite over

and they'll soon live to regret it.

(all laughing)

- Wait hey guys, look at this one, hey.

(grunting)

This one looks like Doctor Forrester

if his head got sucked
into the vacuum of space

through a keyhole.

(all laugh)

- Now you cut that out.

Remember what I said about hat parties.

You get your little hinders back

into that theater and you watch the film.

And I'm not amused by
your antics in the least.

- I thought it was a sheer delight.

I think that's about as
grand as a hat party can get.

(buzzing)

(moaning)

That was about as painful as a cattle prod

to the shoulder could get.

(buzzing)

- Send him commercial, Frank.

- I'll send him commercial sign.

- [Jack] But later on in the program,

Linda Ellerbee will be out.

(buzzing)
(moaning)

(lively music)

- [Joe] I hate to say it but Jack Perkins

had that comin'.

- [Tom] Yep.
- Oh yeah.

Poor guy.

- That party never ended like that before.

(engines roaring)

- [Tom] Ooooh.

(coughing)

- [Crow] I'm exhausted.

- [Joel] I wish someone would turn off

the courageous cat music.

- [Tom] Chili peppers burn my gut.

Doom, doom, doom, doom.

- [Crow] Oop, chin rascal.

- [Tom] More like face rascal.

- [Crow] Space speed.

- [Joel] Edward Munch I presume?

- [Tom] Ho ho, look at that.

- [Joel] Giving him a face massage.

- [Crow] Well we can't
fight 'em but we can confuse

the heck out of 'em.

(dramatic music)

Fries are up.

- [Tom] Yep.

(beeping)

- [Joel] Whoa that was us.

Jeepers.

- [Tom] Somebody hang up the phone.

Now watch out for that, ugh!

Well, never mind.

- [Crow] Oops.

- Cease fire.

Bacchus 3, you haven't
seen the last of me.

- [Crow] Jim Backus?

(beeping)

- [Joel] Uh, cookies are done sir.

- [Tom] Cooh huh?

- [Joel] Yeah.

- Looks like we made it.

- [Tom] Left each other
all the way into a knuckle.

- That's for knockin' out my officer.

Look alive, you guys.

There's work to do.

- [Tom] I'm alive, sir.

- [Crow] I'm sorry honey.

Are you okay?

- [Joe] Rocky, are you okay?

- [Joe] Say something.

- [Tom] Yo Adrian, uh, cut me, cut me.

- We did it, we got away from them.

- [Joel] I did?

Yeah I did, huh huh.

- Who is this guy?

- All I know is he's ten
times as strong as we are.

- [Tom] And I love him.

- [Joe] And he got us
through the Wolf Raiders.

- [Tom] A snappy dresser
and a good friend.

Hey bookmobile, summer reading program.

- [Crow] Third planet from the
sun will be known as Earth.

Pretty much.

- [Tom] Oh no, we'll
have to circle LaGuardia

for an hour I'm bettin'.

- [Joel] Hey I can see the Great Wall.

- [Crow] It's okay.

- [Tom] Do do do, do do do.

- [Crow] They're goin' to the Dells.

(dramatic music)

- [Joel] Uh, Jimmy left his Legos

in the driveway again.

- [Tom] That kid.

Ya know, I tell ya, that
ship is burping out a lot

of chlorofluorocarbons there.

Punchin' a hole in the ozone.

(Crow coughs)

- [Joel] The bank will be
closing in five minutes.

- [Voiceover] Here is the
latest report on the attack

on the Valna Raiders.

Due to heavy damage,
aerospace port number six

has been closed to all
traffic until further notice.

- That's our port.

- [Man] What'll we do?

- I just talked to headquarters.

They said all streets leaving the base

have been destroyed.

- Check that out.

- [Tom] Check her out.

- Heyyyy.

- [Voiceover] Attention please.

- Take charge of the prisoner.

- Yes, sir.

- [Voiceover] Flights are kindly requested

to proceed immediately to
Space Command headquarters

for debriefing.

We repeat, senior officers
of all incoming flights

proceed at once to Space
Command headquarters.

- [Crow] Watch the steno
pool go wild for his vinyl.

- 'Scuse me, how can I
contact space port six?

- Right up there, sir.

- Thank you.

- [Tom] I just wanna check
out my car loan here.

Get out of my way.

(beeping)

- [Crow] Alt function.

- [Tom] Huh?

- [Joel] Noah's Ark?

- Hey and there's Moses' Jeep.

(Tom laughs)

- [Tom] Ewwww.

- Did he tell you how he got that wound?

- [Crow] I gave it to him.

- He refused to answer
any of our questions.

He started shouting and acting crazy.

So I gave him a tranquilizer to quiet him.

- Is he likely to get violent?

- He's highly unpredictable.

Please maintain him
here under heavy guard.

- Thanks for the warning.

- Good-bye.

Come on.

- [Tom] Everybody's doing
their banking in this movie.

- [Joel] Looks like Ken's driving

the Malibu Barbie beach jeep.

- [Tom] I just have to get out
some money for the weekend.

Aww dang, they're closed.

Boy I would love to be a banker.

- [Joel] So uh, dinner Thursday?

Great.

- [Tom] Get out of my way.

Hi say, dinner Friday?

Great, okay.

- [Crow] Oh hi, dinner Sunday?

Can we do it?

Oh you're free.

- [Joel] Ladies and
gentlemen, this is Elvis.

- [Crow] Thank you, thank you very much.

- [Tom] The audience has left the arena.

(Joel laughs)

- [Joel] What the?

Oh huh?

- [Tom] Baby doll, ballet slippers.

Huh?

A geometric nucleus?

And a chew toy.

- [Crow] Well I'll just
rifle the dead's stuff here.

- [Joel] So dinner Sunday?

- [All] D'oh!

- [Tom] What a gaff.

- Maryanne?

- [Tom] Ginger, Skipper, Lovey, Professor.

- [Crow] Thank you, thank you very much.

- Barbara?

- [Joel] Did he say Whopper?

- [Tom] Sounded like Whopper.

- Oh darling!

Where's Maryanne?

- [Crow] Uh dead, uh dusting downstairs.

- [Barbara] Where is she?

- Maryanne's resting.

- [Crow] In peace.

- [Tom] Pieces.

- Oh my goodness, I was
so worried something

had happened to her in
that terrible attack.

- [Tom] Yeah whatever.

- I couldn't find her anywhere.

Then I passed out.

And woke up here.

- [Tom] What'd ya say?

What a view.

You got a great room here.

- [Barbara] Now we're all together again.

(gasps)

(ominous music)

- [Joel] Well, that does
take the pressure off.

- [Tom] Yeah.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Hey, Ken's got a problem.

Ken wasn't careful.

Ken's going to get candy.

- Oh no you don't.

- Please sir, you mustn't.

- [Tom] Oh yes I do.

(laughs)

Physician heal thyself.

(ominous music)

- [Joel] I know just what to do.

I'll sneak out of here
disguised as Chad Everett.

- [Tom] That always works.

- [Crow] Hey, McGarret's up here.

- [Tom] Ooh, Tuckskins in
husky, slim and regular.

- [Joel] Ken's out cross-training.

Just do it.

- [Voiceover] Ken was safe for the moment

but where could he go?

What could he do?

Outcast on his own planet.

A fugitive alien on earth.

He'd have to make a fresh start somewhere.

- [Crow] In the robot holocaust.

- [Voiceover] Where?

And how could he get there?

- [Crow] And what of Bob's love for Chad?

(explosion)

- [Tom] Uh sorry, that was me.

Excuse me.

- [Voiceover] A spacecraft.

- [Joel] Duh.

- I'll have to hijack one.

- [Joel] Ho ho, better.

- [Crow] Not in those slacks.

- [Joel] Now, now, I cue myself, jump back

and ha, jumping, running and spinning.

- [Tom] Follow me.

Oh, I'm over here.

Careful.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
thirteen, fourteen,

fifteen, sixteen, seventeen.

(panting)

- [Joel] This is good for the glutes.

Push, push guys.

- [Tom] The burn, the burn.

(panting)

- [Joel] He's at a ski
lodge now, what gives?

- [Tom] Excuse me, can you tell me where

I could hijack a spaceship anybody?

Okay never mind.

Anybody, uh spaceship?

I need to hijack a spaceship.

Say!

- [Ken] Nobody around.

But how do I get aboard?

- [Tom] Go through the lumber yard.

That's how you get a board.

Get it, I said lumber.

- Hello, stranger.

- [Crow] Hi, sailor.

- Did you just drop by for coffee

or are were you planning to stay on

for the cocktail hour?

(gun cocks)

(gun fires)

- [Crow] I'll have that cocktail now.

- Well friend, not a very gracious guest.

- [Crow] I've brought crackers.

- It isn't very courteous to point a gun.

- [Joel] It's not courteous
to point your finger, Gold.

- You shouldn't have run away

from that nice clean infirmary.

Now how about.
- [Tom] St. James infirmary.

Giving me the gun?

- That's enough.

Turn around and face the wall.

- [Joel] The wall?

- Go on.

(Joe laughs)

Don't you think it'd be a good idea

to check if it's loaded?

- What?

- [All] Huh?

- [Crow] Room 235.

- [Joel] Works every time.

- Stupidest thing I ever
did was to save the life

of a Valna Raider.

You people have no respect for life.

You'd even kill your own families

if it brought you some advantage.

The world will never be safe with people

like you around.

- [Joel] Let's kiss.

- Look, you'd even destroy the universe.

The minute I saw you I knew you were one

of those savage Valna Wolves.

- [Tom] But I love you.

(lively music)

- You know something?

That was my last flight.

I wanted to devote the rest of my life

to my wife and kid.

My wife just died in my arms.

- [Crow] Hey you were
way over by the window.

- [Tom] Yeah.

- Honestly, where's the pride in killing

defenseless women and children?

You call that heroism?

- [Crow] I call it fun.

Don't you have any hobbies?

- When we saved you, a
little swatch of cloth

got torn off your uniform.

- [Tom] Ooh.

- I found one exactly like it.

Next to the body of my little daughter.

- [All] Uh-oh.

- What have you got to say?

- [Tom] Um oops, uh sorry?

- I'm listening.

(all screaming)

- [Crow] No one can beat me at snap zooms.

I was in Time of the Apes.

- There's no point trying to hide it.

I was on a mission.

But I killed one of my
comrades in an accident.

I ran away.

- [Tom] Nice lips.

- Now the other wolves
are hunting the traitor.

- You're lying through your teeth.

You expect me to buy that?

- It's the truth, I swear it.

Now listen to the rest of the story.

- [Tom] Page two.

- We attacked earth.

My buddy ordered me to kill a child.

- [Joel] They never
explain the blonde wigs.

I don't get that.

- I couldn't and it was then
that he turned his rifle

on the child.

Then I saw him raise his gun to fire.

I just wanted to get him
to put the rifle down.

Suddenly, I looked down

and saw that glassy look in his eyes.

- [Tom] That sly, come-hither stare.

- I'd forgotten how strong I was.

- Ken, you did the right thing.

(chanting)

- [Joel] Now turn off the chants.

- The world is mad.

You know I never keep
any bullets in my gun.

- [Crow] Like Barney Fife.

- The thought of killing
anyone is too horrible.

I didn't feel that way when I was

about your age.

I was like you, wild and reckless.

- [Joel] That's me to a T.

- Until today you killed for kicks.

- [Crow] Hey like the wild rebels.

- You were just like I used to be.

A thrill killer.

- I wasn't!

I was a soldier carrying out orders.

There's no dishonor in that.

- What is dishonor then?

Killing for a corrupt power?

- [All] Punky cheeks.

(chanting)

- You betrayed us, you traitor.

- [Crow] See that's why
you're a scummy traitor.

- Cigar.

- [Tom] Why yes it is.

(Joe laughs)

- I've been thinking things over.

No point in retiring now.

With no wife or family to go home to.

- [Joel] You'll do fine.

- Ya know, I'm going to need
some new men in the crew.

- [Crow] Slim-hipped and willowy.

- [Tom] Big lips.

- Young fella who's become a fugitive.

Who's being hunted all over the universe.

- [Tom] Who could that be?

- Could do a lot worse
than throwing in his lot

with the crew of Bacchus 3.

- [Tom] Hmmm.

- We might even get to be friends.

- [Crow] He asked me, he asked me!

- I don't understand.

What have a I done to deserve this?

- We don't deserve half the things we get.

(laughs maniacally)

You're stuck here.

Listen.

- [Tom] Mood swings, boy.

- Do exactly what I tell you

and you have a good chance of turning

into a man, not just a Wolf Raider.

(growling)

And don't you ever forget.

- [Tom] What?

- I know exactly who you
are and where you came from.

- [Tom] Oh.

- One false move and I'll set you adrift

to fend for yourself.

- [Crow] With bread crumbs.

- [Joel] Now let's have some fun.

- Now then, whether you like it or not.

- [Tom] She's yours.

- It looks like you just signed on.

- [Crow] Welcome to Herbal Life.

(dramatic music)

- Captain Joe.

(Ken laughs)

I kinda think I'll like it.

- [Crow] Yeah, whatever idiot.

- [Joel] Let's go skiing gang.

- Everything's fine.

(dramatic music)

- [Joel] In the land of Dairy Queen,

we treat you right.

- [Voiceover] While Ken was being welcomed

aboard Bacchus 3 and starting his life

as an earthling.

Back on Valnastar, Ken's former home,

the Wolf Raiders were returning

from their unsuccessful mission.

Their leader, the notorious Lord Halkun,

who was determined to
punish Ken mercilessly

for his supposed betrayal.

- [Tom] Meanwhile, I went
to more voiceover auditions.

- [Joel] Say, speak of
punishing mercilessly, whoa.

(whistles)

- [Tom] I'm wearing a
bib 'cause I just ate.

Tragedy tomorrow, kabuki tonight.

- I take it you have already heard

that your brother has lost his life.

- Yes.

- He was killed by Ken.

- Ken did it?

- [Tom] Those bastards.

- Why that can't be true.

- I know it must seem impossible.

You loved each other.

And he was your brother's friend.

I trusted him too.

How sad it is to put
your trust in a traitor.

And that's not the worst part.

He killed your brother in an attempt

to defend an earthling.

- [Joel] Oops.

- [Tom] Now we'll never
get my records back.

- Then he escaped into the unknown

in a stolen spaceship.

- [Joel] It'll happen.

- He's a coward and a traitor.

He has disgraced us all.

- [Crow] I forbid you to see him.

- He has forfeited the right to live.

- Must he die?

- [Halkun] Yes and you
must be his executioner.

It is an old Valna law that
murders must be avenged

by the victim's next of kin.

- [Tom] Not that I don't
trust you, oh wise one,

but can I see the book on that rule?

Rat Patrol, in color.

- [Joel] It looks like
they were shooting this

out of the windshield of a
Vista Cruiser station wagon.

- [Tom] Yeah, tinted lav.

- [Halkun] Ken must die by your hand.

You are not to return
here without his head.

Without his head.

- [Joel] Oh I gotta lay off the 'shrooms.

- Ken.

- [Crow] Did someone say Ken?

- Ken, you will pay
dearly for what you did.

- [Joel] I know, mama.

- [All] Huh?

- [Tom] Well that was easy.

I can go home, oh damn,
I was supposed to bring

back his head.

- [Woman] Ken!

- [Tom] Where aren't you?

- [Joel] Is she gonna need a
ride out there or somethin'?

- [Crow] I don't know.

- [Tom] You're supposed
to walk to the revenge.

- I know you've heard of the Star Kararu.

It's in the center of the
seventh constellation.

- Inhabited by a strong
and independent nation.

- [Joel] The Cherokee nation.

- We have been aligned
with Kararu for centuries.

And now they are threatened.

Their mortal enemies have
developed a super weapon.

- Super weapon?

- [Crow] Well a really good one anyway.

- I don't have all the details

but we have an intelligence report.

Apparently this weapon can
destroy a whole continent.

If we do nothing to prevent it

than I'm afraid Kararu
is doomed to extinction.

And that is the reason that
they got in touch with us.

- [Tom] Now we're alone.

- After giving it careful consideration,

I've decided that you
are the only man capable

of doing the job.

- [Tom] So we're going
to get you a new dickey.

- But they've always
handled their own defenses.

- This time they've got
more than one enemy.

- [Tom] Pool table.

- It looks like the Valna
Raiders are going to attack.

In the battle of the stars
one of the strongest forces

of evil in our universe.

- [Crow] See, what'd I tell ya?

(booming)

- [Joel] What the?

- [Tom] Flashback?

I don't know.

- [Crow] It's cool anyway.

- [Joel] Huh, I'm sorry.

I was just playin' a
video game in my head.

- I understand.

There's no way that they
can handle this alone.

- [Man] Yes, the Kararuns
are a valiant people

but they are no match
for the Valna Raiders.

- [Tom] Huh what, you were talkin' to me?

Oh I'm sorry, I was
thinking of the eighth hole

at Torrey Pines.

- [Joel] Let's cut the crap, I love you.

- I accept the mission.

- Good, excellent, I knew
you wouldn't disappoint us.

- [Joel] Yuck.

- [Man] I always look
forward to the crew check,

especially with such a fine crew

as the one on the Bacchus 3.

- [Tom] I love it.

- [Joe] That's Rocky.

- [Tom] The flying squirrel.

- [Joe] The best space
pilot in the business.

- [Joel ] And a good friend.

- [Joe] You remember Dan, my navigator.

- [Man] Indeed I do.

- [Tom] Ho, ho, ho, ho.

- [Man] Oh and this little darling

is your moral officer no doubt.

(laughing and snorting)

- [Joel] Doesn't sound half bad.

- [Man] Young Billy, he's going to make

a fine officer some day.

It's a good crew, Joe.

- [Joe] Not quite finished, sir.

- [Crow] Now I've got some
shots of the picnic here.

- [Tom] Who's the busboy?

- [Man] A new face.

He looks like he could
handle himself in a fight.

- [Joe] Oh he's rough and ready all right.

But that's just what I
need on this mission.

- A real bruiser.

- [Tom] Send him to my room.

- Listen Joe, we're asking you to set out

on a dangerous assignment.

We can't afford any unknown
quantities out there.

Do you know anything about
this man's background?

- I just wanna recruit this guy.

- [Crow] In the worst way.

- I wasn't planning to adopt him.

- Joe, I like you.

- [Crow] But you're weird.

- Okay, if you think he's all right

than he's all yours.

- [Joel] Whoa, I'm in China, I'm in China.

Oh no it's just the.

Red ball jets help ya
run faster, jump higher.

- [Tom] Cool.

Oh, I thought I was in
a Nestea commercial.

- [Crow] Oh I see a bunny
and a cloud and a blonde wig

and a satin tap pant.

- [Tom] Matching camisole.

- [Crow] If you do it right.

(soft music)

- [Tom] Another royalty check
for Herb Alpert coming up.

- [Joel] Some calf muscles there.

I want your wig now.

- [Crow] It's been 26 miles.

It's only fun if I catch you.

Wait up.

♫ It's a tangled storm of love ♫

- [Joel] Come on, it's my
turn to wear the night gown.

- [Tom] We gotta go folks.

- [Crow] Let's run.

- Try to understand.

I did what I had to.

(lively music)

- Okay now Crow, I want you to be Ken.

And Tom I want you to be Ken.

- Joel, I feel ridiculous.

I'm dressed like Evil
Knievel only not so tasteful.

- Yeah Joel, I don't
wanna cast dispersions

on your little play-acting idea.

I don't wanna be the dead squirrel

under the floorboards
of your huntin' shack.

But this is the stupidest thing
you've ever had us do yet.

- Come on.

- Yeah Joe, you been
nippin' at the tester's glue

or what here?

- Come on, I just thought it would be fun

to play the handsome captain
of the spaceship, okay?

It 's a lark, a spoon,
run with me on this one.

I promise I'll never make ya do it again.

- Yeah, right.

Give it a week I'll have a
six-foot foam scorpion stinger

hanging off my butt.

- Come on.

- Look, let's just get
this over with, okay?

- Just come on you guys, it'll be a gas.

Okay, Cambot help me out on this one.

Neutral drive off, engines to full.

- All right, Ken.

- Now, cigar Ken?

- Yuck.

- Ya know, no sense in
me returning back home.

What with my wife and child gone.

- Oh that's right they took
a laser bolt, didn't they?

Too bad.

- Ya know, cigar Ken?

Ya know, a young fellow?

I could use a few of 'em on my ship.

A young fella could do a lot worse

than throw in with the lot of Bacchus 3.

We might even become friends.

- I don't understand.

What did I do to deserve this?

- We don't deserve half the things we get.

(laughs maniacally)

You're stuck here.

- Gee, Joel, don't vapor lock on us.

It's just a little skit
for cryin' out loud.

- Well so I brought
the engines to neutral.

- Yeah, you do exactly as I say

and maybe you'll find out what it means

to be a real man rather
than just a Wolf Raider.

- Yeah right and you've got a good chance

to end up at the Francis Farmer Motel.

(grunting)

- Jeez Joel, get a hold of yourself.

- Nobody hits one of my officers.

(alarms buzzing)

Oh no the movie's starting, ohhhhh.

(doors slamming)

- [Tom] I think ya broke my jaw.

- [Joel] Sorry 'bout that.

- [Tom] Jeez, outta control.

- [Crow] How symbolic.

- Are you on surveillance duty?

- Sorry I scared you.

You looked so angry I was afraid
I was gonna get strangled.

- [Tom] Well there's still time for that.

- Who's Rita?

Your wife or your girlfriend?

- [All] Yes.

- Cat got your tongue?

- [Crow] Meow.

- Shut up.

Sorry, I'm just a little tired.

- You know Ken, I'm beginning to think

you're not an earthling.

You haven't got the slightest idea

how to talk to a girl.

Honestly, I just wanted to say hello.

You didn't have to bite my head off.

- [Joel] Is that what I do?

- I don't feel like talking.

And I don't like people
meddling in my affairs.

- Oh you don't?

Well have it your way.

- [Joel] At Burger King?

- This crew had better
start learning to get along.

It's gonna be a difficult mission.

- [Joe] Our next mission
will take us to the Holy.

- [Tom] Holly Holy.

- However before reaching
our final destination.

- [Joel] We all get hats, big ones.

- [Tom] And scrambled eggs.

- As you may have heard,
Kararu and Baholee

are at war.

And recently the Wolf Raiders

have joined forces with Baholee.

In other words, this'll be no picnic.

- [Tom] More like a small dinner party.

- Well, whatta say, do we accept?

- Sir, I'd rather go and fight

than sit down here bored out of my mind.

- Captain, I think this is one mission

where you're not gonna need
whiskey for excitement.

(all laugh)

- I'll need a stiff belt
when I get back though.

- [Crow] Ha, you'll need a big belt.

- [Tom] I've got baloney for arms.

- We're not gonna take him along.

- [Joe] Cool it, Danny.

- But Captain, who is he?

- I've made my decision.

You can take it or leave it.

- [Tom] Wellllll.

- Captain, I'm sorry.

I'm sure you know what you're doing.

(Tom laughs and snorts)

- Ken, welcome aboard.

- Are you sure you've got
what it takes for the job?

- You bet we have.

- [Tom] Don't press your luck.

- With Captain Joe in charge,
no mission is impossible.

- [Joe] Well, time will tell.

(lively music)

- [Crow] Monty Python's Flying Circus.

- [Joel] Hey the crew got
free tanning sessions.

- [Crow] Pipe down.

- [Tom] Pipe down please.

- [Joel] Pipe down please.

- [Tom] Pipe down please.

- [Tom] Huh oh, all the way down here.

- [Crow] Now bite me please.

- [Joel] Heyyyyy.

(lively music)

- [Joel] What?

(all laugh)

- Let's go fishin'.

- [Tom] What are Ma and Pa Kettle goin'

on this mission or somethin'?

- [Crow] Hey there's Don Knotts.

(Joel laughs)

- [Joe] I've had her
rebuilt from stem to stern.

- [Tom] Neat huh?

- [Joe] To withstand the
extreme velocities out there.

I don't wanna have another encounter

like I had with the Wolf Raiders.

- [Man] I thought I was
gonna explode like a balloon.

- [Crow] Shouldn't have
had those buffalo wings.

- [Man] What are the
specs on this job, sir?

- [Joel] Oh those are
bugs, they'll wash off.

- We've added a power
unit that can take us

up to speeds of mach 56 and over.

- [Crow] Yeah, pretty much.

- Any more speed would tear us apart.

- [Crow] Yeah.

- Ya know.

- [Joel] Security guard?

- I'm really looking
forward to flying this.

- So am I.

- [Man] Joe.

- Hi, Harry.

- [Tom] Hi teen gang.

- You really gonna take on that mission?

- Sure thing.

- You leave the milk runs to us.

You always were a daredevil.

(both chuckle)

By the way, is there
any truth to that rumor?

They say Rocky wants out of this mission.

- [Tom] Come again?

- If he feels like a change,
I could sure use 'im.

- Sounds like someone's
overactive imagination.

Rocky's accounted for, I
wouldn't go anywhere without 'im.

- Right on.

- [Crow] Haha, you salty dog.

- Good luck.

- [Ken] This is a strange development.

- [Tom] Wheels everywhere.

- [Ken] Using my superior
strength to fight my own people.

- [Crow] What is this The Wonder Years?

- [Ken] Sure I'd love
to liberate Valnastar

from the tyrant Halkun.
(hissing)

- [Tom] Lettin' the air out of the tire.

- [Ken] My family's up there and Rita.

Does she know I killed her brother?

- [Joel] Maybe.

- [Ken] Will I ever be able to explain

to her what really happened.

- [Tom] And what about Naomi?

Will she love again?

- [Joel] Trains, neat.

- [Tom] Cool, big ones.

- [Crow] Screamers.

- [Ken] That guy Rocky hates me.

Can Captain Joe control 'im?

- [Tom] Or not?

- [Crow] Will Joe admit
that Sue loves Mary?

(engine growling)

- [Joel] A killdozer with Clint Walker.

Noooooo!

(shouting)

- [Crow] Eat fork, buddy.

- [Tom] He thinks I'm a palette.

- [Crow] Yeah well fortunate for me

I ate some more spinach
before I left the house.

(all laughing)

- [Joel] Hey, come on, dim
your brights, I can't see.

- [Tom] Oh you should know by now pal.

When you push a Wolf
Raider he pushes back.

(laughs)

(grunting)

This must be one of
those Russian forklifts

I've heard so much about lately.

♫ This is the song written
for the train chase

♫ This is chase, Rocky and Ken

♫ He tried to kill me with a forklift

♫ Ole ♫

- [Tom] Joe Mannix!

- Rocky?

- [Crow] Again.

- Well that answers my question.

- [Tom] What was the question?

- I thought you were a Wolf Raider.

They planted you on our flight
to sabotage our mission.

- [Joel] Yeah well you're a wuss raider.

- [Tom] Wooooo!

- [Joel] What are you doing?

Are you high?

I have the strength of 20 men.

♫ This is the song right
after the train chase

♫ This is the fight, Rocky and Ken ♫

- [Crow] Again?

- What's going on?

- [Joel] Um, nothing sir.

- Captain!

- [Crow] Hazing the freshman.

- [Tom] I told you no
grabass in the shower.

- I know who he is now.

- [Crow] He's my mother, he's my sister.

He's my mother and my sister.

♫ He tried to kill me with a forklift ♫

- Rocky, how often do I have to tell you

you should stop reading
those science fiction novels?

- [Crow] They're comic books.

- I know Ken's a lot stronger than we are.

There's a reasonable scientific
explanation for that.

He spent a lot of time
in another constellation.

That increases strength.

- [Joel] You are a liar I
don't believe just like him.

- Don't expect any gratitude from me.

- [Tom] Okay.

- I won't.

Now you listen to this.

- [Crow] Pull my finger.

- What I expect from
you is total obedience.

- [Tom] If that's okay with you.

- Ya know you'll only continue to live

as long as I shut up.

(dramatic music)

- [Ken] Shut up.

- [Crow] Wow.

- [Joel] Oooh, Aaah, Oooh.

- [Crow] Gah it's so great.

It's only a model.

- [Tom] All right, spit
out the sunflower seeds.

- [Voiceover] And so, our
valiant space adventurers

prepared to embark on a
perilous and exciting mission.

- [Joel] Hold the ship, lose the building.

- [Voiceover] Meanwhile, on Valnastar.

- [Tom] Say.

- [Voiceover] Other plans are being made.

- [Halkun] Remember Rita, it is our law.

You may not return until.

- [Joel] Mayan drawings?

- [Tom] Tell me spirit, are these shadows

of things which must be or which might be?

(birds chirping)

(mumbling)

- [Tom] Hey look, 27 8x10
colored glossy pictures

with the circles and
arrows and the paragraph

on the back of each one.

- [Crow] Why am I thinking
of the cast party now?

Oh I like that one.

- [Joel] Uh, that'll be
53 bucks for the photos.

- Barbara.

- [Tom] Whose hand is that?

- [Crow] I can be Barbara.

- My baby, my wife.

- [Crow] Whatever.

- I don't care anymore what happens to me

out beyond the stars.

If I don't survive, then
we can be together again

that much sooner.

- [Joel] Oh would somebody
turn the fryer light off me.

- Rest peacefully until then.

It won't be long now.

- [Tom] What a sap.

(soft music)

- [Joel] Oh I've got the
wrong grave, I'm sorry.

- [Crow] Olga?

- [Tom] Oh it's embarrassing.

- [Joel] Um, I gotta go
paint a house now, sorry.

- [Crow] Hey they're
havin' a jumpsuit party.

His is the grandest of all.

- Thanks, you're a great crew.

- [Joel] Read to levitate the table?

- To the mission.

- [All] Cheers!

- [Tammy] Rocky, aren't
you going to drink with us?

- [Tom] Gonna fly now?

- Sir, I want you.

- [Joel] In the worst way.

- To order me to go on this mission.

- I sure will.

Rocky, I order you to pilot Bacchus 3.

- Yes, sir.

I guess you're stuck
with me at the controls.

Let's go for it then.

- You old space hound.

- [Crow] Haha, you pile of space crap.

- This is yours.

- [Tom] It has your initials on it.

I made it in shop class just for you.

♫ This is the song on the space mod

♫ We'll drink to the brotherhood of ♫

- Hello?

Yes.

Captain, it's for you.

- [Joel] Fisher Price phone, sir.

- Oh hello?

- [Tom] I already like my cheeks you.

- Departure.

- [Crow] Wait, they're having cocktails.

- Nine, eight, seven.

- [Joel] Mouseketeers sign in.

- [Tom] Cubby!

- [Voiceover] Five, four.

- [Crow] Roy!

- [Tom] Jimmy!

Annette!

- [Crow] Chad.

- [Voiceover] Zero.

- [Joel] Looks like it's
anything can happen day, sir.

- [Tom] Remember that the Mouseketeers

and Mickey Mouse are registered trademarks

of Disney Incorporated,
Buena Vista Television

and Touchstone Pictures and
the unlicensed distribution

of any of these images
that are not remotely

resembling any Walt Disney images

is expressly forbidden
by Disney, Buena Vista

Touchstone and Michael Eisner.

- [Crow] Hey watch out for the tower.

- Look out, oh!

- [Voiceover] Bacchus 3 blasted off

for her next encounters with destiny.

This mission would be the
most demanding the ship

and her crew had ever
been asked to endure.

- [Tom] But first this message.

(laughs)

- [Crow] Presser?

Cabin presser?

Like an Arab they write.

- [Voiceover] Captain
Joe immediately tested

the newly installed speed
acceleration equipment.

- [Crow] Duck boy.

(quacks)

- [Voiceover] And he had to know early on

if the crew could take the pressure.

- [Joel] I can't, my
face goes all funny sir.

- [Crow] That's quite a
tic you got there son.

- [Tom] Let's loosen up
with some bunny guttas.

(mumbling)

- [Joel] I can't stop, I
don't know how it works.

Good-bye, folks.

- [Tom] Good-bye, good-bye.

- [Joel] Combat International.

- [Crow] The white zone is for loading

and unloading only.

(coughing)

- [Tom] Ooh!

- [Joe] Engine, off.

- [Tom] Engine off.

- Doesn't it feel great to
be back on the ground again?

(chuckles)

- [Tom] Oh a trouser cam, hi there.

- They sent someone to meet us.

Ken, release the gangway.

- [Tom] Um, call me Ken.

- [Crow] Okay, Ken.

Nice gangway.

- [Tom] Is that the gangway?

- [Crow] How much does a gang weigh?

- [Joel] Meaty beaty
beaty beaty, welcome back.

- [Tom] Oh no, it's the plant of tweakies.

- [Crow] Oh boy.

- [Tom] What a nightmare.

- [Crow] What could be worse?

- [Tom] Huh?

- [Crow] It's a planet of Gallaghers.

- [Tom] That's worse.

- [Crow] Melon crazy.

- [Tom] That's worse.

- Captain Joe.

- [Tom] Movin' kinda slow.

- He seems to know you.

- Captain Joe and one officer, follow me.

- [Joe] Yes, sir.

- The rest wait here 'til
you receive further orders.

- Doesn't sound too friendly.

- [Joe] Can it, Rocky.

- [Joel] Again, canning it, sir.

- I'm going to establish contact.

Meanwhile you wait here.

- [Joel] Good idea.

- [Joe] Let's keep it cool.

We're gonna be involved in
very delicate negotiations.

- [Crow] Uh there's
cold cuts in the fridge

and some Armor-all in the glovebox

and keep out of the liquor cabinet.

- [Tom] Good-bye, see ya later.

- [Joel] Get 'im teen gang.

- [Man] Get back.

- I'm taking in the gangway.

- [Joel] And I'm taking
in my little pants.

- Has anybody here got a deck of cards?

- They're supposed to be our allies.

I was never welcomed
anywhere like this before.

- [Tom] Somewhere in
the Black Mountain Hills

out in the middle of some alien planet.

- [Crow] Think I look stupid?

You should see my boss.

- [Tom] Hey this is nice, comfortable.

Nice ride.

- [Joel] Oh, now they're
big and they're in Mexico.

- [Tom] You guys wait here.

I gotta go cash a check.

Tap a kidney.

Nice digs.

(Crow humming)

- [Crow] Welcome to the
dance of incontinence.

- [Tom] Huh?

- [Crow] I mean seven continents.

- [Tom] Oh.

- [Crow] It's kind of a.

- [Tom] Heh, bathroom.

- [Joel] Why are there
garage doors all of a sudden?

- [Tom] Easy access.

- [All] Say, hello.

- [Ken] What is this
strange feeling inside me?

- [Joel] It's a voiceover called love.

- Yes, sir.

- [Crow] That's my baby.

- I think I'll do a little reconnaissance.

- [Crow] See a man about a horse.

- You can't leave the ship.

Ken!

- [Crow] Ken, go after Ken.

- Hey Billy, let's join 'im out there.

- Right.

- [Tammy] Stop or I'll shoot.

- [Joel] Everybody run.

Tammy's got a gun.

- We have orders to wait
here in this spacecraft.

And that's exactly what we're going to do.

- [Tom] She is management material.

- We have to stick together.

- [Crow] Aww come one guys, now I wanna do

what I wanna do.

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] Imperial Margarine presents.

(dramatic music)

Kenquistador.

♫ Kenquistador

♫ He tried to kill me with a forklift

♫ That's Ken, ole ♫

- [Ken] When I was fighting
with the Wolf Raiders.

- [Crow] Step on a crack,
break your mother's back.

- [Joel] Break your own back.

- [Tom] Your mother
was a saint by the way.

- Ya-hoo!

- [Tom] Top of the world, ma.

(laughs)

- Yippee!

- [Crow] Looks like he got
his prescription filled.

- [Ken] Bang, bang, bang.

- [Crow] And he's revertin' to childhood.

- [Joel] I'm sorry about Ken.

They've had a hard with
him adjusting to school.

They say he's gifted though.

- [Tom] More tea, no
thanks I've had eight cups.

- How much longer now?

- His excellency will be with you shortly.

- I believe you said that two hours ago.

- [Crow] I don't need this crap.

(snoring)

- [Tom] New from Chun King.

- [Crow] Oh great, a floor show.

- [Tom] Oooh, is the
great T.E. Lawrence going

to join us now?

- [Joel] Ah, we don't
know if we should stand

'cause we don't know if
you're a man or a woman yet.

- I'm Captain Joe.

This is Rocky, my first officer.

- Ordainja, Lord of Kararu.

- [Crow] It's Dorff.

He's a guy, we can sit down.

- [Tom] I'm a gaudy son of a gun.

- [Man] We asked you to leave your planet

and come and help us
because of hostilities

with the Star Caesar.

- [All] Romero.

- I don't understand, why
have they declared war on you?

- They want what we have.

We have mineral resources
Caesar is envious of.

Rather than pay for
them like everyone else,

they think they can obtain
them by force and violence.

- We used to laugh at Caesar.

Unfortunately they've grown stronger.

Dangerously stronger.

- [Man] They've acquired a super weapon

which could destroy our planet.

Or possibly our whole constellation.

- [Crow] Hey, sounds like
Jack Benny playing a violin.

- [Tom] Indy, my friend Indy.

- [Joel] Trumpy you're stinky.

- [Tom] Skin mints.

- [Crow] Now Ken honey,
don't touch anything

and stay close to Mom.

- [Tom] I'll just blend
in with the crowd here.

- [Joel] A nun's habit for me?

No thanks but you're sweet.

- [Crow] I love the Ren Fest.

- [Tom] Oh they must have
had a close-out on taffeta.

Look at those guys.

Kids.

I was one once.

Oh, what's this?

Looks like I made a little
somethin' in the deal.

It's so fun.

- [Joel] This give me an idea.

- Hi.

- [Tom] How ya doin?

See ya later.

- [Crow] Must be Mardi Gras.

- Hey a bar.

- [Crow] Hey Chris Walken's
playin' Russian roulette.

- [Joel] Totally new
concept, it's a church bar.

- Hello.

- [Crow] Uh say Brandy,
fetch another round.

- [Tom] She serves them whiskey and wine.

Uh, this Midori is really good.

- Boy, I don't like your face.

- [Joel] Eh, I'm not a big fan either sir.

- Get lost.

- [Crow] Ya gotta nice personality.

- [Man] I guess you're not from here.

Otherwise you'd know it's good manners

to drink with friends.

Here.

- [Tom] I'd rather share a
needle with Keith Richards.

- I told ya to drink.

- [Joel] Aww, Mom's
gonna smell this on me.

- [Ken] Doesn't he know I
can kill him with one blow?

- [Tom] Some ego buddy.

- [Man] Strangers aren't welcome.

- [Crow] Gonna be a fight.

- Bye.

- [Man] Hey, where are ya goin'?

- [Tom] Ooh, to get a Band-Aid, ow.

My nose.

- [Crow] That's the problem
with private school.

- [Tom] Yeah, yeah, ya get this.

- [Joel] Ugh, thank you
sir, may I have another?

- [Tom] I like you guys.

- Here's one more.

- [Joel] Well looks like
we've got three separate views

of Love, American Style.

- [Crow] Gutta, gutta, gutta, crunch.

Bam!

- [Tom] Buck!

- [Joel] Biff!

- [Crow] Bappy!

Eh, no.

♫ Lay down the boogie
and play that funky music

♫ 'Til you die ♫

- [Tom] Next on Taxi.

Or Barney Miller.

One of the two.

- [Joel] What?

Oh he killed 'im with a curling iron.

Goodness.

- You're just.

- [Crow] A gigolo.

- Get 'im!

- [Joel] Yeah get 'im it's his turn

to buy the pitcher.

(upbeat music)

- [Tom] Oop, he stumbled back

into the Renaissance Festival.

Huzzah.

♫ There's a place on Mars

♫ Where the women smoke cigars ♫

- [Joel] He looked in my
bag, I'll have to kill 'im.

- [Tom] Marian.

Oh suddenly it is Ishtar here.

- [Crow] Hey that's a dressing room.

- Where is he?

I saw him go in there.

Come on.

- [Joel] Oh it's a woman's restroom.

Wait you can't go in there.

(snoring)

This is getting ridiculous, ya know?

- [Tom] Sir I think you're losing them

Tell a joke, juggle or something.

- Just a second, I'll be right back.

- [Joel] God, did you say something

to him while I was sleepin'?

What gives?

- [Crow] Hey look it's
the all-Canaan network.

- Look who's in trouble.

What did he do?

- [Tom] Killed a man just
for snorin' too loud.

- [Crow] Who's ready for pudding, huh?

- That man was arrested in a storehouse

for precious stones.

- [Tom] Hhhhhharested?

- What was he doing in there?

- Your excellency, if he left the ship

it was in direct violation of my orders.

- You ordered him to steal the stones.

- [Tom] Oh thanks for spitting on us.

[Joel] This guy's a king?

- I'm afraid he doesn't
take orders seriously.

- I ordered him to stay aboard.

- Then you don't mind
if I cut off his head?

- [Crow] No, that's why we brought 'im.

- Not at all, suit yourself.

- [Joel] I tire of pudding.

Bring me something salty
and crunchy and sweet.

- Where were we?

- [Crow] Goofy land.

- We were discussing the fee.

- That's right.

- [Tom] Ah yes.

- Let me give you your down payment.

- [Tom] My little bag.

- One.

- [Tom] Little.

- Two.

- [Tom] Little.

- Three.

- [Tom] Little Indians.

I love that one.

- Three, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee.

- [Tom] It's Jimmy Cow Black,
the Indian in the group.

- [Joel] Milk from the mother stone.

Snot's block?

- We'll collect the rest on completion.

- [Crow] Of the Brooklyn Bridge?

- [Tom] Hey, Sonny Rollins is out there.

- [Joel] Hey, my helmet's
chafing, Steve, you?

- [Crow] Igor, quit playing that.

- [Tom] Sure is quiet.

Too quiet.

- [Crow] That oboe's
comin' from that room.

- [Tom] It's the Rite of Spring.

Stravinsky?

They let him have a
chamber group in his cell?

- [Crow] Uh no, a chamber pot.

- [Tom] Oh.

Musical pot.

- [Joel] Thanks for the
little prelude guys.

I've got a crazy Star Wolf
idea that just might work.

(grunting)

- [Crow] His Mickey Mouse gloves
give him incredible power.

- [Tom] That's a trademark of whatever.

(metal clangs)

Huh?

Hmmmmm.

- [Joel] Spiderman.

- [Joel] Yeah but not the new Spiderman.

The old Spiderman when he had

the good costume and when.

- [Tom] Shhhhh.

- [Crow] Oh.

- [Tom] Huh?

- [Crow] Oh great, first
day on the job I lose a guy.

Ah?

- Come on, get down.

This is no monkey cage.

- [Joel] This is no disco.

This ain't no fooling around.

(Ken laughs)

- I was just checking out the layout here.

- [Joel] The cool moldings, ya have

a couple cobwebs and stuff.

- If I can't find a way, I'll make one.

- Cut the funny stuff.

You've just been ordered executed.

That oughta take the smile off your face.

- [Crow] Not if you do it right.

- By the way, don't waste your energy.

You can't get outta here.

No earthling can.

- Earthling?

- Not even a Wolf Raider could break

out of this place.

- Is that so?

We'll see about that.

- [Tom] Meanwhile back at the cool ship.

- Captain, anyone can make a mistake.

Just as long as you don't
keep on repeating it.

I think we should get rid of Ken.

- [Tom] Which one?

- I disagree.

Have you already forgotten?

Ken saved our lives.

I think he deserves another chance.

Don't you agree?

- Eh.

- [Tom] Man of firm conviction.

- I guess you're right.

I'll take him back on one condition.

- [Joel] You stop drinking
and start going to meetings.

- There's a Caesar officer in that jail.

- Mmmmmm.

- [Tom] Mmmmm.

- You think Ken can help
him break out of there.

- Let's go to it.

Establish contact with Ken's secret radio.

On the double.

- [Crow] No you guys go ahead.

I'm sick, I'll just stay here and uh,

not go through that.

- [Tom] I wish I had a harmonica.

(beeping)

- Hmmmm?

- [Crow] Cleveland you're on the air.

- [Joe] Ken, can you hear me?

It's me, Joe.

- [Joel] Yeah I really miss you, dude.

We haven't talked since high school.

What's goin' on?

- You never told me about
this cute little gadget.

- [Joe] You don't have to know everything.

- [Tom] What's romance
without a little surprise?

- [Joe] We wanted to wanted to make sure

you wouldn't double-cross us.

- And I guess I passed your
examination, haven't I?

Now whatta you want me to do?

- [Joe] Listen carefully.

- [Tom] Turn your head and cough.

- Ken, there's a Caesar
officer in your jail.

We need 'im as camouflage
when we move onto Caesar.

They won't suspect anything if we show up

with one of their officers.

We want you to contact that officer.

Get him and yourself out of prison.

- Why don't you just ask
the Kararun authorities

to release us?

- [Crow] Well if you're so
smart why are you in jail?

- [Joe] Five minutes
and they got suspicious.

If I say I wanna take him to Caesar,

chances are they'll think I joined forces

with their mortal enemies.

- Are you sure I can find 'im

and get him out of this prison?

- [Joe] Sure Ken, I
have complete confidence

you can bring it off.

- Shhhhh.

- [Joel] 'Course I'm drunk.

- [Tom] And I''m sure the other inmates

haven't heard a word of this.

(snoring)

Hmm, hmm, hmm, we're just sleeping.

- [Joel] Works every time.

- He's gone now.

Listen sir, aren't the Kararuns likely

to suspect you if I break out of here?

- The Kararuns can suspect
anything they want.

As long as I can get off this planet.

- [Crow] And he's got the generous cheeks.

- Only, how am I supposed to
get out of this prison cell?

Those bars are as strong as tree trunks.

- [Tom] Here's how I escape.

- Is Star Wolf suddenly going soft?

- Just give me my orders.

- [Tom] Soft wolf.

- You'll find you've got some
clever little items with you.

- Go on.

- Okay, I want you to listen carefully.

- [Joel] All right, I'm
using a split screen.

Can you see me now?

- [Crow] It's the Patty Duke show.

- Take a good look at your
far right shoulder button.

- [Tom] D'oh, make ya look!

- Equipped it with a
miniature nuclear device.

- [Joel] Shouldn't I have known that?

- Works a little like a grenade.

- [Tom] Neat.

- Whatever you wanna
blow up, attach it to it.

- Are any more of these buttons grenades?

- Check your lapel.

Now you see how much I trust you?

- [Tom] That's genuine
mother of pearl there.

- Now then, what happens if I don't find

this Caesar officer?

- [Crow] Ah we blow your neck off.

- You will because you have to.

- [Crow] Let's blow ours.

- [Tom] Away.

- [Crow] Yayyyy.

- Look, don't you think this
is an awfully tall order?

- Ken, I know you can handle it.

(doors slamming)

- Joel, doggonit, this
film has me bamboozled.

- Yeah think about it.

We've got this guy who used to wear a wig

but doesn't anymore whose joined up

with Captain Gerbil and
the leatherette squad.

And everybody's having more flashbacks

than Bruce Dern in The Trip.

- Yeah and now he's held captive by Don Ho

and a kid who drinks Tranya

and who's fightin' who and why?

- And why are all these
alien transvestites

attacking earth anyway and what

about this Japanese
preoccupation with the name Ken?

- Okay, okay you guys, take it easy.

I knew you were gonna have a problem

with this movie but that's
what I'm here for okay?

The real problem with this
film is it's not really

a movie at all.

It's just a bunch of Japanese TV shows

strung together to look like a movie.

So that's what's going on.

- So it's like Bergman's
Scenes from a Marriage then?

- Exact--huh?

- Ohhhh, or Schwarz's
Very Brady Christmas.

- Just listen up you two, you
just might learn something.

This is the screenplay model developed

by Syd Field in his runaway
bestseller book Screenplay.

Here's how it works.

Cambot help me out here.

The first act establishes setting

and the major characters
we'll get to know.

And then the first plot point comes along

and sends it all zigging everywhere

and then into another direction.

So can anybody give me an example

of what that would be in today's movie?

- Ah oh um, the credits.

- No Crow, come on.

- Oh I know.

It's when the Fistal and
the blonde chick with the.

Oh I'm just grabbing at straws here, Joel.

- No everybody, it's
when Ken joins Star Force

and goes up against his old allies.

- Uh, which Ken?

- Oh the one with the wig, right?

- Right.

- Now in act two, we reveal
the conflict in the film.

Does anybody know what that is?

- Take a leap, Crow.

- Oh let's see, it's either the credits

or, uh, well it's when Ken, in the wig,

fights his own inner
struggle which is punctuated

with his conflict with
the other crew members

and his shaky alliance with Captain Cheeky

who drinks a lot, uh by the way, and oh.

That's the subplot.

- Very good, Crow.

Okay that's act two.

Now given these pieces of the puzzle,

does anybody know how plot
point two will turn out?

- Oh, oh, oh, that's easy.

Scout sees Atticus Finch shoot the dog

in the street which shows
that he has the capacity to.

Oh no, that's To Kill a Mockingbird.

- Oh right.

I'll jump in here okay.

Let's just imagine that the
blonde assassin comes in

and shows her undying love for Ken

and instead of serving two masters

they die in a hari-kari love pact.

- No come on, Joel.

This is Sandy Frank not Kurisawa.

- My guess is that it goes
on like the mess it is

with no resolution and we're all left

feeling empty and
unfulfilled like Fassbinder's

tragic heroine Berlin Alexanderplatz.

- You my friend, get a RAM chip.

- Ha!

- What do you think sirs?

- Well William Gold
Joel, we have a theory.

- Ya know, Toni Morrison best known

for her literary tour de force Beloved,

may well be one of the fastest rising.

(clanging)

- Ugh!

- Tie 'im up, Frank.

(upbeat music)

- [Crow] Poor Jack Perkins, oy.

- Signal us when you're clear.

Over and out.

- [Tom] Shoulder phone off.

When I talk to Ken I touch myself.

- [Ken] What's that?

- [Joel] Neat.

- I heard a noise.

- [Tom] That's you talking.

Someone's coming.

- [Crow] Mmmm, horses, 12, 13 maybe.

- Coast is clear.

- [Joel] But the tide is out.

- [Crow] Open channel D.

- [Tom] Blooming ground flower.

Light then get away with loud report.

Ooh!

- [Joel] Like a hot knife through butter.

- [Crow] Hi diva.

- [Tom] Eat at Joe's, eat
at Joe's, eat at Joe's.

Merry Xmas, eat at Joe's.

- [Joel] Now this is a little something

just for moi.

- [Tom] I think Ken's
makin' a little too much

out of this, they're just Christmas lights

for cryin' out loud.

- [Crow] Somethin' to do.

- [Tom] Eh well.

♫ Holy kelltone rings the
savior, do do doodle ♫

Huh?

Coulda sworn I.

Mwah!

Kissing monster, kissing monster.

- [Tom] Nice dive.

So much for those lights.

- [Crow] Yeah.

- [Joel] These looks like bars, hmmm.

- [Tom] It's a busboy.

- [Crow] Hey can you clear my table?

- [Ken] Hey.

- [Joel] It's Ho not Hey, a
lot of people get confused.

- Are you the Caesar officer?

- [Tom] I've heard so much about you.

- Yes.

- [Tom] Do you like me?

Do you find me pleasing?

- And I gather you're the earthling

who was captured earlier today.

- [Joel] I've heard some
of them talk about lately.

- Just a little good luck.

- You escaped.

- [Crow] No I'm still
here, will you come on?

- Listen.

- [Tom] Do you want to know a secret?

- We've got no time to lose.

- Okay.

- [Joel] Okay do you want some fries

with that then, sir.

- [Tom] He's not a Caesarian officer,

he's an Arby's trainee.

- The Kararuns must have anesthetized me

before they put me in my cell.

I have no idea where I am in here.

Can you guide me if I get you out?

- Yes.

I've been locked up in
this miserable place

for the last two months.

- [Tom] Awwww.

- On my way to the courtyard for exercise,

I've memorized every corridor.

- That's great.

- [Crow] You look great.

- You're not afraid are you?

Can I trust you?

- You can.

Just get me out of here.

- I will.

Move away.

- [Crow] Someplace
nice, like the Hamptons.

- [Joel] See, it's a tiny time pill.

- [Crow] What manner of man are you

who can summon flame
without flint or tinder?

- [Joel] Some call me Ken.

- [Tom] Oh it's neat,
you can buy these things

in North Dakota or Wisconsin.

I buy 'em by the brick, by the gross.

- [Crow] Well some locks
are two bomb locks.

I'll just try it again.

- Not like that, ya
gotta put it on two bars.

- [Joel] Oh yeah, suddenly you're

the explosive button expert right?

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] Ba ba ba ba ba,
Alexander Solkin presents.

- [Crow] Stupid Boy.

- [Tom] In color.

- [Crow] Huzzah.

- [Tom] Alakazam.

- [Joel] Eh, Rubber Maid bars, neat.

- I've never seen anyone
as strong as you are.

- [Tom] Except Sheena Easton.

- Come on, let's get out of here.

Where to.

- [Joel] To the top.

- [Tom] Hurray.

- There's only one way out.

Listen, the door's locked on the outside.

- What's on the other side?

- Two Kararun guards.

- [Tom] Paradise.

- Heavily armed.

- Okay, here's what we do.

- [Crow] Hey, that's dirty!

(screaming)

- [Joel] Ho dee ho, I hurt myself.

- [Man] I've been hurt, open up.

Somebody help me.

- What's going on?

- [Tom] Huh?

- [Joel] Uh-oh.

- [Joel] Oh ah kick punch lunge ha oh.

- [Crow] I hurt myself.

- [Tom] What?

- Good work, let's go.

- [Joel] It's boots forevah.

- [Tom] It's Bootsy Collins.

- [Joel] Ohhhhh.

- [Crow] You die, Joe.

(weapons firing)

- We'll have to fight it out.

- [Tom] Well whatta you think we're doing?

- [Crow] Next time I say
let's go to Borneo, let's go.

Not me, you idiot.

(grunting)
(mumbling)

- [Joel] It's okay friend.

- [Tom] Ha right in the back.

- Come on, give me one of those.

- [Tom] No, not one of those.

- [Crow] Oh thank you.

- You really picked those two off easily.

- Well I'm not a bad shot.

Watch this.

- [Tom] Oh that was a thrill kill.

(alarm beeping)

- [Crow] Duck alarm run.

- [Joel] Oh we got an extra point on that.

- This way.

(upbeat music)

- [Officer] Water!

- Careful, it might be an ambush.

- [Crow] Wait a minute, it tastes salty.

It's gray water.

- Ahhhhhh.

- [Tom] Delicious.

Huh?

- There they are.

(weapons firing)

- [Tom] Oy.

Terrible violence.

- [Joel] Terrible.

- [Tom] Oh they're only shooting flares.

- [Crow] I think they're talcum bombs.

- [Tom] Yeah, could be.

Huh?

- [Joel] Die, Joel.

- [Tom] Huh?

- [All] Button bombs, whoa!

- [Crow] Hey wow, those
things really work.

- [Joel] Ya gotta
remember to take them off

before you take your
clothes to the laundry.

- [Crow] Oh yeah.

- [Tom] Blow up a dry cleaner.

Oh this was a good plan, wasn't it?

Whoops.

All right, come on in.

Bring 'er down.

Uh, little right, little right.

Up there ya go, watch your space cushion.

It's a little driving joke.

Bring it down, keep
going, come on, come on.

- [Crow] No, I'm sorry
you failed your test.

You'll have to come back in two weeks.

Happens to most of the guys.

- This is Joe.

- [Joel] Hello Joe, whatta ya know?

- [Tom] Just got back from Kokomo.

- Ken?

- [Tom] Ken?

- Can ya hear me?

Ken, please come in.

- [Tom] Ready?

♫ I love Ken and a guy named Ken

♫ And I fell in love with a guy named Ken

♫ I'm in love with a guy named Ken

♫ And it hurts me so

♫ And it hurts me so

♫ And it hurts me soooooo ♫

- [Joel] Moses?

- [Ken] Arita.

- [Crow] Meeta maid.

Where would I be without you.

- I'm seeing things.

- [Joel] No, you're seeing me.

Is that what I am to you, a thing?

- This must be a hallucination.

- [Crow] With that hair it must be.

- [Tom] Mmm-hmm.

- Rita!

What are you doing here?

- I've been trying to
track you down for days.

We got a radio message that you'd broken

out of a Kararu jail.

They said you were a traitor.

And here you are in an
Earth Space Command uniform.

- [Tom] Traiting.

- I was forced to wear this uniform.

They said they'd kill me otherwise.

- A likely story.

I don't know what's come over you, Ken.

- [Crow] I want my tapes back.

- You've turned traitor.

Abandoned me and killed my brother.

- It was an accident.

- [Tom] Okay.

- He was getting ready
to shoot a little boy

whose name also happened to be Ken.

I was just trying to stop him.

- [Woman] Ken!

- [Tom] But we'll just run the clip.

- Don't shoot!

- [Crow] Oh come on, we're
intimate with this scene

for crying out loud.

- Traitor.

- That's what really happened, Rita.

I swear I'm telling you the truth.

I'm not a traitor to our country.

You know that, I simply refused

to kill an innocent child.

And I didn't wanna
fight with your brother.

- [Joel] So I killed 'im.

- [Rita] I believe you.

You can't betray a country
you never belonged to.

- [Tom] Huh?

- [Rita] Ken you once told
me your father came to Valna

as a missionary.

- [Tom] Oh that bag,
I thought they cleared

that up in counseling.

- [Rita] You're really an earthling.

- Go on, go on, murder me in cold blood

if you want to.

- You deserve worse.

To die a slow death.

- Then what are you waiting for?

I know Valna law as well as you do.

I caused your brother's death

and now you've been sent out to kill me.

Well I'm all ready to die, Rita.

- Ken.

- You'd be doing me a favor.

I can't live in dishonor.

Go ahead, shoot.

- [Crow] But first,
swallow my lapel button.

As a symbol of our love, hmmm?

- [Tom] Shoot him down, shoot to kill.

- [Joel] Stinker.

- [Tom] Buck fever.

Oh it's made out of electrician's tape.

- [Ken] Come on, get it over with.

What's the point of
living if the girl I love

more than life itself
thinks that I'm a traitor?

- [Joel] Kill him.

- [Tom] Kill him.

- Now, Rita.

- [Crow] Hey ya know this
is just like Richard III.

- [Tom] Sure is.

(Rita sobs)

Won't do it.

- [Joel] It took me seven
days to get this gun

now I can't use it.

- [Tom] Nice to see there
was a damn in the background.

- [Joel] That peasant
blouse is all wrong on her.

- I can't do it.

I can't kill the man I love.

- [Crow] Then kill the one you're with.

- Oh my foot!

Why am I having such a crappy day?

- Rita.

- [All] Meeta Maid.

- [Tom] Glycerin tear again.

- My darling, Ken.

- [Tom] I'm gonna have
to remember that line

for the bars, it works.

- [Crow] Um, you're crying on my bomb.

- [Tom] Ouch.

- Rita.

- [Joel] Oh get off the tilt-a-whirl.

- [Tom] Oh it's over.

- [Crow] That was great.

- What happens to us now?

Are we both just fugitives in space?

No matter what you or I say or do,

they'll never let us go home.

Valna, I'd love to see it again.

- What do we need Valna for?

We've got each other.

We can start a new life somewhere else.

- [Tom] On a slag heap?

- Rita, it won't work.

They'll never leave us
in peace, you know that.

- How can you say that.

If we keep loving each
other, we'll find a way.

- [Joel] Boy you are naive.

- How long can that love last?

You know what you'll see every morning

when you wake up?

You'll be staring straight at the man

who killed your brother.

- [Crow] Will you be there too?

- Ken.

- It won't work, Rita.

Too much has already happened to us.

Soon we'd start hating each other.

- I won't let you talk like that.

- It just won't work.

Why didn't you kill me before?

- What?

- You heard.

Kill me and get it over with.

- [Tom] Come on chicken, you
chicken, come on kill me,

come on chicken (clucking)

- [Joel] I wonder what he's thinking.

- [Crow] Ditch 'er, go run.

- [Tom] You are going to die.

I am going to kill you.

- Ken.

[Tom] Rita.

(soldier screams)

He killed the tree.

(weapons firing)

(Ken groans)

- Rita!

- [All] Meeta maid!

- Rita, are you all right?

- [Crow] I killed your
other brothers by the way.

- Ken, traitor, it was
you who fired that shot.

It was you.

- [Joel] Wait, let me explain.

Oh darn.

- [Ken] The most important
part of me just died too.

- [Crow] Well at least he gets to keep

that swell Star Trek stuff.

- [Tom] Well honey, looks like
I'm gonna have to gut 'ya.

- [Joel And Crow] Ohhhhhh.

- [Joel] That's it, make
it look like a robbery.

- I heard gunfire.

Are you all right?

- [Crow] Where have you been?

- I'm fine, the others are dead.

- Who's she, what happened to her?

- A Kararun girl got
caught in the crossfire.

- [Crow] Huh, bummer.

- It's late, we better get going.

There's nothing we can do here.

- [Tom] But I'm thirsty again.

- [Crow] Will you get going?

- [Ken] Good-bye, Rita, good-bye.

- [Joel] Come back, I'm not dead.

You didn't check for a pulse.

- [Crow] Next time on Twin Peaks.

- Help, Ken.

- I've got you.

- [Tom] Come 'ere you, come on.

- [Joel] Let 'im go.

Drop 'im.

- [Tom] Would you take those
rocks out of your pockets.

- [Crow] Rock climbing, Joel.

- [Tom] Rock climbing.

- [Crow] Casesar Romero?

Edmund Hillary?

- [Joel] Oh they're down there.

Jump for it!

- Hey-ey-ey!

(imitating gunfire)

- [Joel] New from the Franklin Mint.

- [Crow] Oh, he's sendin' 'em a message.

He's saying, hey my emblem came off.

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] Do do do.

♫ Ken and his friend are free

♫ Their free together

♫ Ken and his friend are free

♫ They're free to be you and me ♫

- [Crow] I'm blind, I'm blind, help me.

- Ho-ho-ho!

- [Tom] Take a picture
of us, we're posing.

- [Crow] It'll last longer.

- Ken!

- [Tom] Nice teeth.

- Captain, Ken made it.

- [Joel] Captain Ken made it?

- What about the Caesar officer?

- He's there too.

- I knew he'd pull it off.

- [Crow] Now let's break out the liquor.

Oh I drank it all.

- [Man] Ken you did it.

- [Tammy] Ken!

- [Joe] Good work, son.

- [Man] Welcome back, Ken.

- [Tammy] I was so worried about you.

Oh Ken!

(throat clearing)

- [Officer] Let me introduce myself.

- [Tom] I'm a man of wealth and taste.

- Sir, welcome Colonel.

I'm Captain Joe, welcome aboard.

- [Joel] This is my fleet
of Elvis impersonators.

- [Crow] Join me for
Up All Night, c movies.

- [Tom] Bacchus 3 will be back

in Sweet, Sweet Back's Badass Song.

It's a movie.

Bye!

(soft music)

- [Joel] I'll wet' 'em.

♫ Say good-bye to Rita's Star Trek style

♫ It's out of focus

♫ In my pocket it will stay ♫

- [Tom] No, to be continued?

- [Crow] Ah no!

[Tom] No, get us outta here, Joel.

(groaning)

(doors slamming)

- Well this one over
here dispatches a special

aquatic version of
Greenpeace's Rainbow Warriors

to go out and do battle against the man.

- Heavy, rave on Joel, hype it up buddy.

- Right well this one over
here, well heaven forbid

the robot that may try
to touch this button

or even brush against it for that robot

would become my personal slave.

No robot can venture too far out

of the ship, especially if such a robot

were to disguise his true identity

from me in the form of feather.

Heaven help that poor
robot that may try that.

- Really, uh let me try.

Okay here we go.

- No, no that would be an abomination

of robots everywhere.

- Well what's that other one do?

- This is portion control, next question.

- Okay how 'bout that one?

- This does any number of
fantasmagorical wondrous things

the most benign being that Tommy Jeffries

who lives in Belize and
dad works on an oil derrick

gets a tasty pudding snack.

- [Both] What a rush.

That Joel Robinson is one bad.

- Shut your mouth.

- I was talkin' about Joel.

- That's all right.

Anyway, we've got a letter here

form David A DiCordova.

- Way to go, kid.

- Thanks, Mr. Crow.

- And he writes in to
answer to the question

of what is the cool thing
that we did a while back.

And he writes, let's put
this up on still story.

He writes "Dear Gentlemen
and Gypsy, concerning

"the cool thing, my guess is
that you saw a time portal

"floating in space. Taking
into account that overall

"the crew is against
imperialism, jingoism,

"church state as one,
facism, exploitation, racism

"in short all those 'ideals' held dear

"by our world leaders
here on earth. I'd venture

"to say this time portal showed
mankind living in peace."

Well we're sorry David A DiCordova
from Seattle, Washington.

But this was the cool thing.

Mexican stoplight candy.

- Ohhhhhh, what a burn.

- Whatta ya think sirs?

- Now this to me is good TV.

Being genetically altered
on cable television.

Anne Dillard will be out
to discuss her new book

and then later on, Topel, that robust star

of Fiddler on the Roof will be out.

- [Clayton] Frank, are we off the air?

- [Frank] Uh, I thought it
was time to push the button.

Besides, don't ya wanna get started

genetically altering Jack Perkins?

- [Clayton] Look, we don't
go off until I say we go off.

Now run down to the storeroom
and get that spare head.

I've got a mad posh to give Jack Perkins

the head of Vivian Vance.

- [Frank] Sorry, Sarge.

- [Jack] Ah Vivian Vance (screams)

(soft music)

(laughs maniacally)

- You're stuck here.