Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 1, Episode 3 - Star Force: Fugitive Alien II - full transcript
Today's experiment features real humans from Japan and a budget that must've been tens of dollars.
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 Theme Song)
♫ In the not-too-distant future,
♫ Next Sunday A.D.
♫ There was a guy named Joel,
♫ Not too different from you or me,
♫ He worked at Gizmonic Institute,
♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuit,
♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place,
♫ But his bosses didn't like him
♫ So they shot him into space,
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies,
♫ The worst we can find (la-la-la)
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all,
♫ And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la)
♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control
♫ Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)
♫ Because he used those special parts
♫ To make his robot friends
♫ Robot Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
♫ Cambot! (Pan left!)
♫ Gypsy! (Hi, girl!)
♫ Tom Servo! (What a cool guy!)
♫ Croooow! (He's a wisecracker.)
♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes
♫ and other science facts (la la la),
♫ Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show,
♫ I should really just relax
♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000!"
(doors close)
- Exactly what I mean.
- Okay, I'm up to speed so far,
you're point is that Big Bird
cannot be considered a puppet
because of his or her, it's size.
- Right, right.
And the size, and don't forget the feet.
Once a puppet has feet,
it ceases being a puppet
and starts being a costume.
- Ah, well what about Topo Gigio?
He was a puppet with feet.
- Oh, give me a break!
If you wanna get technical,
Lamb Chop had feet, too.
Topo Gigio was an Italian
black art rod puppet,
come on Crow, that's a subcategory.
- Oh, look who's arguing semantics now!
- Hi everybody, welcome
to the Satellite of Love,
I'm Joel Robinson.
Looks like we've stumbled upon
the robots' weekly oncological discussion
on the nature of puppets.
- And the symbiotic relationship to man!
- Right, and their symbiotic
relationship to man,
let's watch the fireworks.
- See?
- Alright, if you're so smart,
what would you call H.R. Pufnstuf?
- Well that's a costume,
remember the puppet paradigm?
Feet plus inarticulate
mouth means costume!
- What about Yoda?
- Well Yoda was a humanly articulated
floating armature creature
used in combination
with radio-contorted
cervals and (mumbles).
- What about puppet or costume, Tom?
Come on.
- Alright, you got me, I don't know!
- See?
I rest my case.
Okay, here's one for you.
- Okay.
- What would you call Senor Wences?
The ventriloquist who built his career
outta talking to his hand?
- I'd call that a cry for help.
- Interesting.
(upbeat tech music)
- Okay, if you two are ready,
let's begin, here's a quick pop quiz
on the many varied celebrity puppets
in show business past and present,
and I want you to define the genius
of each of these characters I list.
We'll begin with some characters
from television, Cambot keep score.
And watch the clock.
Ready?
Let's begin.
Rolf the dog.
Crow?
- Puppet?
(buzzer)
- Puppet, yeah.
Could you be more specific?
Tom Servo?
- Muppet.
- Right, exactly.
Okay, next.
Meow Meow Kitty.
Crow?
- Uh, puppet.
- What kind of puppet?
- Hand?
- Yes, and?
- Lame hand puppet.
- Yes, yes, very good.
Okay, next.
Kukla.
- Oh.
- Boy, this is tough.
- Kukla.
Kukla or Ollie, I'll take either one.
- Oh oh oh, I know.
- Crow?
- Hard shell head, soft cloth body.
Hand puppet with sock sleeve coverlet!
- Very good.
(bell dings)
I thought you were out of
the running for that one.
Now these next are going
to get a little bit harder.
Okay, let's continue.
Spitting Image.
- Oh, oh, wickedly funny
foam and latex puppets.
(dings)
- Okay, correct.
P.C. Follies.
- Uh, shameless Sid Marty Krofft rip-off.
(rings)
- Very good.
Ooh, the MADs are calling.
- Ooh.
- Hello, Button.
Let's slam straight away into
this week's invention exchange.
- Big noses!
- That's right, the super schnoz.
- El grande bos otros.
- What?
- Big noses!
- Oh, right, right.
Durante, eat your heart out.
Big honkers.
- Comin' at ya.
- In 3-D!
(sniffs)
Do I smell pie in the oven?
- Uh, not in this building.
Say, doctor, sports in tonight?
- Well, what's the point
of the big noses anyway?
- Well, they're just really big, you know?
Just think of the stuff
you can do with 'em.
Very useful.
Now I can brown nose myself.
- Wow, you and I are kind
of on the same wavelength.
I thought of my invention
exchange as being
this big head.
(singsong)
♫ Who's that guy with the big head? ♫
- Hey Joel, can you
help me with my algebra?
- Sure, no problem, it's a snap
with my new big head.
- Well say Joel, do
people make fun of you now
that you have a big head?
- Oh sure, people are naturally curious.
But then I explain to them that I've got
a really big head.
- There's no denying that.
- Joel, are you in any pain?
- No, just a really big head.
- Oh.
- [Doctor] So I guess
we can say that you got
a big head there, huh?
- Yeah, you can.
(whistles)
- Big as all outdoors.
- It's real big, sirs.
What do you think?
- I knew a man in Chicago once
that had a big hea--
Oh no, it was no way near that big.
- Well doctor, I don't
mean to stick my nose
into your business--
(laughs)
but shouldn't we really
be getting to the movie?
- Right you are, my long-nosed companion.
Joel, your experiment
this week is going to be
like biting down on a
double-edged razor blade.
- It's called Fugitive Alien Two
and it's every bit as stanky as part one.
- Send him the movie, Frank.
(buzzing)
(exclaims together)
(cell doors opening)
(singsong together)
♫ Is that the fella with the big head?
♫ Big head, big head, talking big ♫
(exclaims)
- Hey, this is Sandy Frank.
This is Sandy Frank on drugs.
Any questions?
(chuckles)
- Uh-oh.
Fugitive Alien II, Electric Boogaloo.
- By heretic.
- Nerds in paradise.
On the move.
Citizens on patrol.
- Star Force, times two.
Two times the action,
two times the confusion.
(exclaims)
(chuckles)
- I love this music.
- Please remain seated until the building
has come to a complete stop.
(trumpeting sounds)
- Nick Malixvi, he's the Scottish guy
in charge of copyright.
- Yeah, copyright, yup, that's right.
- Hey, this music is perky.
I'm feeling really good.
- Yeah.
Hey, this is gonna be fun, guys.
I'm feeling really--
Oh, who are we kidding?
This is a fugitive alien sequel,
we're in for the two most
painful hours of our lives.
(sobbing)
- Come on, you guys.
You gotta be strong,
try not to fall apart.
Come on, we've been to
too many Sandy Frank films
together to let 'em defeat us now.
- [Voiceover] A thousand light years away
from our solar system lies Valna Star.
- We know.
- [Voiceover] A mysterious planet
with an enriched atmosphere which imparts
superhuman strength--
- Seen it.
- Taped it. (sobbing)
- [Voiceover] To all who dwell upon it.
Valna Star is ruled by Lord Halkon,
an evil genius who has
created a race of warriors,
the Star Wolves.
- Neat.
- [Voiceover] On a mission
of destruction to Earth,
Star Wolf Ken is ordered to kill a child.
His refusal starts a fight which results
in the death of his best friend.
As punishment, Ken is set
adrift in outer space.
- And forced to watch this film.
- [Voiceover] But Ken is found and rescued
by the crew of the Earth
spaceship, Bacchus-3.
(growls)
And soon he become a member of Hagu.
Ken's girlfriend Rita
has been sent to find
and destroy him, but it is she
who is subsequently killed.
- In goofy scenes like this.
- You fired that shot.
It was you.
- Yeah, so?
(exhales)
- [Ken] Rita!
- Meter maid!
(triumphant music)
- Hey, hey!
(cheers)
- My chick's dead!
Hey!
- Woo!
- [Voiceover] Only one
memory of Rita remained.
Her golden Valna medallion.
- Which Ken hocked for
a pack of cigarettes.
- [Voiceover] Ken will never forget her.
- Or the VISA bill she ran up, huh?
- Oh it's over, then.
- Amen.
- Is it ay-men or ah-men?
- [Voiceover] Now Ken
and his Earth comrades
are off in quest of new adventure.
Their mission to fly to Saysar,
find a secret weapon and destroy it.
- And hopefully do a little shopping.
- Let's take a look at that wound, Ken.
Oh good, it's healing beautifully.
Okay?
I'm finished.
- I remember this.
(sings)
♫ I love Ken, he is my friend,
♫ I love Ken, he is my sweet friend ♫
- Well, I must say, you're
a real angel of mercy.
You never fuss like this when I get hurt,
you always tell me, "Bear it like a man."
- Oh come on Dan, your
problem is you're jealous.
(laughs)
- Quit teasing.
- Okay.
- Terrific.
- Dan, just keep your eye on the course.
I don't trust (mumbles)
There's something peculiar about him.
- Mmm hmm!
That's good blow, mmm hmm!
- [Voiceover] I've heard
you're one of Saysar's
top experts in advanced
defense technology.
- You heard right.
- [Voiceover] Then you
probably know all about
that secret weapon Saysar
is said to have imported
from another planet.
- Pretty much.
- Are there any truth to those rumors?
Colonel?
- They say it could blow up the universe.
- Or worse!
- Where did you hear that?
(chuckles)
- You know, occasionally I tune into
the intergalactic grapevine.
(chuckles)
- Joe, shut up.
I take it you're trying
to enlist my cooperation
for a mission you're about to undertake.
(groans)
Before I say yes or no, I'll need to know
a bit more about your intentions.
- I'll love you all the days of my life.
- I don't know what ever gave you the idea
we're planning a mission,
we're just out for a ride.
A little excursion to discover more facts
about our universe.
(laughs)
- You don't say?
And how do I know I can trust you?
This Ken fellow seems
mighty suspicious to me.
- Ken's just a bit of a loner.
If you want I'll call him in
and you can talk to him yourself.
- Ken's a loaner?
How long before your Ken is fixed?
- Ken? Tammy?
I wanna see you.
- Oh great.
He found out about the keg!
(dramatic sound)
- Plot point, right there.
- Hmm?
- This is a girl officer's insignia.
How did you get it?
- A lotta hard work and
a lotta pancake makeup.
- When you were sleeping,
I heard you call out
a girl's name out loud.
- But when I put your hand in warm water--
- Rita, I think.
I believe that was it.
Does the name Rita mean anything to you?
- Uh, it's a Beatles song.
- Ken!
- [Voiceover] This is
our present position.
Pegasus R-2, bias four, right here.
- Here's the Spencer gifts.
- Distance to Saysar is a roller time.
- A rolla-huh?
- A Roladex.
- Two one, three, sir.
- Course three seven is perfectly safe.
It's when we switch to course T
that we're likely to run into trouble.
There's a huge black
hole near R-5 by nine.
I don't know any way we
can navigate around it.
- A vicious dog leg to the left.
- Black hole, huh?
It swallows up anything
that comes near it.
(scratching sound)
I don't think we can risk it.
(dramatic music)
- Artwork and other
paintings by Judy Chicago,
now back to our movie.
- This puts a new light on
the conditions of our mission.
- A black light.
- Our odds against success
are extremely high.
- Well then, I'm extremely high.
- On the other hand, if you gotta go,
I can't think of a better way.
- That's not funny, sir.
- I'll say it isn't.
I don't wanna vanish in thin air.
When my time comes, I
wanna go out in glory.
- I wanna be torn apart by animals!
- Spoken like a true woman.
And a naive one.
- Naive yourself!
- Me so silly.
(laughs)
- Captain Joe, you don't
necessarily have to
get swallowed up in a black hole.
- But it helps.
- If you chart your course carefully.
You can go through a tunnel out
to a white hole and safety.
It's a tricky maneuver.
- Where did you hear that?
- Where did I hear it?
I'm afraid I don't remember.
I guess it was at one of
those scientific briefings
I attended.
- Yeah, at my aunt's house or something.
- Yeah.
- Ken, wait!
You're walking down someone's throat!
(chuckles)
- Wait a second, I didn't
tell you the punchline.
- Slip of the tongue and you
gave your whole game away,
didn't you?
- I don't understand.
- Do you find me pleasing?
- I know for a fact that only a handful
of Wolf attackers have
ever made it through
a black hole and still
lived to tell the tale.
I only have to put two and
two together to realize
you're a Star Wolf.
(grunting)
- Who are you to judge?
- Don't be a fool Ken, I'm the only friend
you've got here!
(grunts)
(coughs)
- What's up?
What's going on?
- It's all my fault.
- He was just showing
him where his larynx was.
- I foolishly made a sarcastic
remark about earthlings.
Ken was right to act as he did.
Ill-chosen words have
been known to start wars.
- Yeah, like the sarcasm wars of 1999.
(chuckles)
What a dipstick.
- I don't like that guy.
And I don't like you, either.
- The feeling is mutual, Rocky.
- Oh Rocky, who do you like?
- [Man] Captain!
Come up here, quick!
- Surprise!
Happy Birthday to you!
- Look at that, sir.
What do you make of it?
- Ah, it's one of those nut clusters!
- Looks like a meteorite.
Quite a big one.
- Yeah, just one thing's wrong,
I don't see it on any chart.
- Well the time they get it on the chart
it'll probably have broken up.
- Like most rock bands.
- Oh that's a good one.
(laughs)
- Do I speak the truth?
- You bet.
- Amen.
- Looks like we're getting
into hostile territory.
We have to be on our guard.
Rocky, take the controls.
- Again?
- Kelly, back to your station.
- Yes sir.
- Rocky, you hate Ken.
Ken, you make goofy faces.
- Tammy, you love Rocky.
Or Ken.
- Colonel, you're ruling.
- That's your seat there.
- But Captain--
- He said, sit down.
- But he didn't say Simon Says!
- He said, "Captain says."
- Oh wait a minute.
Which is moving, the stars or the ship?
- Mmm, stars?
- Pink Floyd on the headphones,
set the controls for Heart of the Sun.
- It's broccoli!
I hate broccoli.
- You know, he's got
Kristy McNichol cheeks.
- I don't like this at all.
Ken!
- Yes sir?
- Destroy the meteorite
with the folic laser.
- Okay, yes sir.
(shoots)
(sings together)
♫ Love, love, love ♫
(techy music)
- Captain Joe, we're still alive.
That's the only thing that counts.
- No it isn't.
- No, cleanliness is the
only thing that counts.
- I wouldn't feel safe while he's alive.
- Kill him!
- [Voiceover] What do
you think you're doing?
- We've got a mission to accomplish.
I'm just gonna remove an obstacle.
- Your eyebrow.
- Ken, stop him!
If he kills me, you're next!
- Easy, Rocky.
This isn't the right moment.
- Outta my way.
- Rocky, hold your fire.
- Again?
- I'm sorry to say, we still need him.
- Need him for what?
- We rescued him to guide us
to Saysar, and he'll do it.
Lock him up.
- Rocko!
- Whatever you say.
I just hope you know what you're doing.
- I just wanna say your makeup sucks.
(suspenseful music)
- As long as this guy
is traveling with us,
our mission is threatened.
- We'll never make it to Woodstock!
- Huh? Huh? Huh?
Huh? Who? Wha--?
(continuous uttering)
(growls)
- Well here you are, this
isn't the royal suite,
but it'll just have to do.
- You want room service, dial nine.
There's a mint on the pillow.
- I need some towels!
- Listen to me!
You wanna make it to Saysar in one piece,
you need me to guide you.
Any minute now we'll be
going by Demetor Star.
It'll set us on fire!
Let me out!
Let me out!
- I'm gonna hold my
breath until I turn blue!
Oh, I'm already.
Oh, I did it again.
I'm already blue!
- Zinged yourself, there.
(hums)
(exclaims, groans)
- Diarrhea is like a
storm raging inside you.
- I'm coming, Elizabeth!
- He's hallucinating split ends.
- Oh, who am I trying to kid?
I'm not sick.
(whooshing sounds)
- Ooh, hmm, that's good emil, oh ho!
- What's the cabin temperature?
- It's hotter than my
great aunt's apartment.
- 26--
- Ten-perature?
(laughs)
- That seems a bit high.
- Sunny side?
Of the street?
- It's even hotter outside.
(grunts)
- That calls for a drink.
- Yeah.
- I'll go check it out.
- Ken, wait a minute.
Look at that star.
- You look at it.
I'm bitter.
- I don't get it.
That star, why that's Demetor Star.
- Oh, it should be bigger than a meter.
- How did we get here?
It isn't on our course.
Look at this.
We're just drifting, sir!
- Mmm.
Saysar isn't even anywhere near here!
- We'll have to correct our course.
Switch over to 7-3-0.
- What is that?
Is that traffic information?
(chuckles)
- It won't move!
There's something wrong!
- Yeah, it's this movie.
It sucks!
- We must be caught in
Demetor's magnetic field!
All the controls are blocked!
(grunts)
- Man, if it's not one thing, it's anoth--
Honey?
I'm gonna be very late.
- I gotta see you right away.
It's an emergency.
- Again?
(groans)
- He shouldn't spend too much time away
from the bathroom.
(groans)
- Ooh!
(groans)
- Could you armor-all my suit?
- Rocky? Rocky!
- Again?
(chuckles)
(beeping)
- Captain!
- I scored another game!
- We're back to normal!
- All engines at full thrust.
- Engines, full thrust!
(engines start)
- That's full thrust?
(groans)
Lame!
- Good luck, huh?
Looks like an aerosol can.
- I don't feel right about this at all.
- You and me both, pal.
You and me both.
- This is suspicious.
We'd better get out of here.
Or be roasted alive.
(whooshing sound)
(grunts)
- Oh Rocky, no.
I'm a paper boy.
Come on!
- It was the salmon mousse.
- Rocky, what's wrong?
- Oh, Rocky cubed it.
(grunts)
- Pants, too tight!
I'm--
turning Japanese!
- I've got this pain in my back.
- I don't really think so.
(groans)
- Rocky?
- I'm feeling dizzy!
- Ken, take over.
- Yes, sir.
- Captain!
- Ew!
(gasps)
She's looked better, hasn't she?
- Tammy!
It's all right.
- Kevin, help me!
(pants)
- Oh come on you kids,
you're just overtired,
your fighting sleep!
Now I want you to go to bed, come on!
(coughs)
- Those are just the after-effects
of the ultra high speed
we needed to get through the black hole.
You'll just have to sleep it off.
I'll get you some medication.
- For me too, sir.
- All right.
- For me too, sir.
- It'll relieve the pain, take it.
- Sir?
- Yeah?
- Are you sure you'll be alright?
You went through the black hole, too.
- I'll be okay.
- I'll be fine, I got my
friend Jack to help me.
(chuckles)
- What is he, in a automat?
- Looks like it.
- I could check it out.
- Oh.
- Chicken salad.
Grab me a chicken salad.
- What's the matter?
Can't anyone hear me?
- Sure.
- It's so hot, where's
all this heat coming from?
- No you see, it's not the heat,
it's the humidity.
You see, the comfort index--
- Listen to me!
I've got something important to tell you!
- I'm the unsinkable Molly Brown!
- Think they could make bigger doors.
(chuckles)
- Well sir?
How are they doing?
- Okay, I gave him
something to calm them down.
They're just going to
have to sleep it off.
- I do that a lot.
(groans)
- It's still awfully hot in here.
- Yeah, turn up the AC.
- Captain, we really ought to move away
as quickly as we can.
I think we ought to boost the engines.
(muttering)
(exploding and whooshing sounds)
(beeps)
- Curly fries are up, sir!
(dramatic music)
- Oh, at least they spelled "speed" right.
(chuckles)
- Engine trouble?
- I told you to check the oil,
didn't we fill it up in Eau Claire?
- Okay, I'll take her up.
- Those daring young men
and their junkie jalopies!
- What is with you, sir?
Did you eat those radishes again?
- Captain!
What's the matter?
- Dan! Wake up!
- Wake up, you're late for crab school!
- Rocky. Rocky!
- Again?
- You gotta wake up!
You gotta wake up!
Rocky!
- Ah geez, he's been
reading Bukowski again.
- Let me out of here!
Let me out of here!
- Oh, phooey!
(vocalizes)
- We have no time for you, now.
- You just stay in here
and stop all that yelling.
- Yeah, you'll just have to hold it.
- Haven't you noticed this heat?
What's causing it?
I want to know exactly where we are.
- Enough of your questions!
Be quiet.
I'll just have to get back to you later.
- Bye!
- Listen to me!
Pay attention.
We mustn't get near the Demetor Star!
- Why not?
This heat's coming from the engines.
- You little fool!
- You little minx!
- Don't you realize that the Demetor Star
is about to explode?
- What's that?
- Really?
They never said anything about--
- Ooh, looks like Captain
Joe is drunk again.
For those of you playing along at home,
in Fugitive Alien I, Captain Joe
is portrayed as quite the drinkin' man.
(chuckles)
Now this.
- Kind of feel like him, also.
(groans)
- I'll be okay.
- I'm fine.
(coughs)
- Something I ate, I think.
(dramatic music)
- Captain!
- Focus!
- Help me get him off the floor!
(pants)
- Would you help me wipe my brow?
- You don't look very good, you know?
- My left eye is a little
numb, I don't know--
- Must've been--
(exhales)
- I'm fine, so.
(coughs)
- High speed.
- What's going on here?
- Yurulin.
Who let you out?
- Captain, listen to me!
You don't realize what's going on.
This sort of heat is only generated
by a star that's about to die,
and that's what's happening to Demetor
and we've got to get out of here!
- Oh, okay.
- What's that?
That it'll explode?
Listen, Ken.
Colonel Yurulin is the
only one who knows his way
around here, and we're gonna
have to enlist his help.
(grunts)
- Okay, sir.
- Captain!
First we must find out what's
wrong with the engines.
- I'm woozy, guys.
I'm feeling really bad.
- Let's go!
- I feel like I'm just
shaking off (mumbles) drunk--
(crash)
(exclaims)
- It's all over the seat!
- Gotta get him outta here!
Come on, Crow!
(doors shut)
Tom Servo!
Oh my god!
Tom Servo's dead!
He's dying!
It must've been that movie!
Oh man, we're losing him!
- A robot watches a bad film.
It renders him unconscious.
Next on Emergency 911.
- Crow!
You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me!
It means the life of
our friend, Tom Servo!
(wails)
- But I must finish TekWars of Inusia,
must direct Star Trek Nine,
The Search for Spock's Intelligence,
Hooker's a good cop.
Oh! He's a good--
Oh!
- Crow, you listen to
me and you listen good,
I need you to snap out of Shatner,
I need you hear now, our friend's
life hangs in the balance!
(sobs)
- I'm sorry, I don't even--
(sobs)
- I know man, I know.
But we gotta get our little buddy
out of the bone orchard, okay?
Listen, I need you to run along
and get the defibrillator
and I'm gonna try
to get our brother Tommy
out of the Badlands.
- [Crow] Alright, alright.
- Come on, man.
Come on back, we're all
pulling for you, buddy.
(sobs)
- [Crow] Hey Joel, is the
defibrillator the thing
that looks like a vacuum cleaner
or a thing that looks
like a battery charger?
- It's the thing that looks like
a battery charger, now would
you get it together man
and get out here?
I mean it's Tom Servo's life!
Hang on, buddy!
(grunts)
Okay, hold on buddy, it's coming!
Come on Tom!
Come on back, buddy!
Clear!
(buzzing sound)
Nothing!
Clear!
(buzzing)
He's coming back!
He's coming back!
- Come on, Tommy!
(coughs)
(grunts)
- Oh, oh, oh!
So I'm dancing up to the plate now,
and, beautiful day here at Wrigley Field,
boy, let me tell ya, perfect
for a nice cold Budweiser.
You know, Lincoln carpeting--
(coughs)
Joel, Crow.
What the heck happened to me?
- It's okay buddy, you're
among the living now.
(sighs)
- That was weird.
I was walking down a long hallway,
and at the end of it was a bright light.
And a kind man with a
beard reaching his hand
out to me, beckoning me.
And he looked at me so I got closer,
and he said, "Hey buddy,
can you spare some change?"
"I wanna cup of coffee!"
(laughs)
- Everything's a joke to you.
That's great.
We got commercials.
- We should have let you die.
- Ah, life.
(techy music)
You guys just have no sense of humor.
Spoil sports.
(muttering)
- You have to check the Z system.
Over here.
- Alright.
- Say!
Oh.
- Peeky-boo!
- Okay, let's see here.
There it is, apartment 3B.
(beeping)
- What is this, The Super?
(dramatic music)
- Cheap Japanese crap!
Look at that!
- For crying out loud.
- You know you wanna turn the power off
before you work with something like that.
- But he's in a rubber suit--
(ringing sounds)
- What?
(groans)
- Captain Joe?
Ken here.
- Ken.
I can't hold out much longer.
Hurry up.
(groans)
- Woah, Linda Blair all of a sudden.
- Are you alright?
Captain?
- Trying to kill me with a forklift.
Ah, cheap Japanese crap. (mutters)
What?
- Yurulin here.
What is it?
- Colonel Yurulin.
I'm worried about the Captain.
Please check on him.
- Alright.
Right away.
- I'm doing it, geez.
(exhales)
(pants)
- You know apparently,
it's one of those things
where if the tail light
goes out the whole thing
shuts down?
- Pretty much.
- Oh, genie wants to
get outta there, look.
(chuckles)
Drink me, drink me.
Come on and drink me.
- Dr. Joe, is anything the matter?
- Oh, I'm fine, just
reflecting on the Upanishads,
young man--
- What's wrong, Captain?
Captain!
(groans)
I'd better take over the controls,
you sit back there.
- Yeah, you sleep, I'll
drive to Cleveland.
- If it's not one thing it's
another in this crazy ship.
For crying out loud.
(eerie music)
- Hey, turn off your brights.
Dim it, dim the high beam!
The high beams!
- Ken, we're getting closer.
Get that engine fixed right away!
- [Voiceover] Now it's up to Ken.
The fate of the entire
crew is in his hands.
He will have to locate the short circuit.
(vocalizes)
Somewhere in the system
before the spacecraft
gets closer to the exploding star.
Otherwise, all is lost.
- I knew vo-tech would pay off,
I'm a graduate of DeVry!
(pants)
(beeping)
- Alright, we can get free HBO now.
(cheers)
- Colonel, I fixed it.
Start the engines, let's get going.
- All right.
- That was Ken.
He's working late, he'll
be out for a while.
We might was well go ahead and eat.
- This is a really important
part of the film here.
- Now, where are my keys?
I left--
(groans)
- It isn't working.
I can't make it start.
That wasn't it.
You'd better check it again.
- [Ken] But Colonel!
- Don't argue!
- Pump it a few times!
- I don't understand.
It's gotta work.
- Doggone it.
(whistles)
(sings)
♫ Oh Sally Frank, oh Sally Frank,
♫ Eats a lot of poisoned corn ♫
(chuckles)
- Just wrapped a gum
wrapper around a fuse.
- Colonel, try it again.
I'm sure it will work now.
Are you there?
Colonel!
- Now hang up on your end.
Hang up!
I'm hanging up.
(intrepid music)
- I love this song.
- What a way to die, listening
to the Tijuana Brass.
(chuckles)
(sings)
♫ This is the song about
the Bacchus Three crew,
♫ They're gonna die from all the heat,
♫ he tried to kill them with a forklift,
♫ Away! ♫
(groans)
- That looks like a real
uncomfortable Halloween costume.
(pants)
- I got to keep going!
- Got to get it with girl in hot pants--
(groans)
- I know what it is, they're
flying through Developer Four.
(zap)
- Oh man, no more Jello shots, I mean it.
This is it.
Now, I quit today.
(zapping)
- There's a drum major
flying the ship now.
- Captain!
We've got the engines working.
Now if we can just get
away from that star!
- Let me have my coffee first, okay?
I'm not good without it.
(sings along with background music)
♫ This is the song, about
the crew's condition ♫
- Just a few seconds, and we'll be safe.
♫ They'll all be alive,
they're gonna puke,
♫ He tried to kill me with a forklift ♫
- What's going on?
(vocalizing)
- This is going to be great,
speakers on the porch,
oh well.
- That ought to keep the
cooling system going.
Just one more connection.
(beeps)
Okay, good!
- Looks good, tastes good, is good!
- Good for me.
- Colonel, I got the cooling system fixed.
Can you get her on course?
- It's no use, we're too late now.
- It's very hot.
- We've gotta go on!
Try again!
- I can't make it.
- It didn't--
- What?
- Colonel!
Can you hear me?
Colonel?
(gasps)
- It's very hot!
Hot in here.
Hey.
(muttering)
(grunts)
- Oh no, we're getting
closer to that star!
Looks like I'd better take over!
(grunts)
- Fine, but towel off first or something.
(grunts)
Not a kid anymore.
- They're having the film
steam cleaned right now.
- Well, they need it.
(grunts)
- Captain!
I got it fixed, it's all working again!
- Great, just in time to see us die.
- I got it working, get going!
- Oh wait, who's turn is it to pass out?
- I think the audience is
ready to pass out about now.
(yells)
(clicking)
- What is he, starting
the Wild Mouse Ride?
(blasting)
- Ignition!
- Yes.
- We're gonna make it!
- Colonel?
Faster, full thrust.
- You want to go faster?
(clicking)
- Full thrust?
No, no.
Not you, the engines!
(chuckles)
(blasting)
- Kid power!
Red, yellow, black, white!
- We did it!
We're going!
- We did it!
We killed 20 minutes of movie!
(cheers)
- I'll take the controls.
- I guess you don't need
ol' Captain Joe anymore.
- Graduates, 'til you begin the journey
of the rest of your life, we
may never pass this way again,
and--
(groans)
- I'm missing graduation.
The music started, oh no!
(sniffs)
- Oh, it looks like the
ten-perature is coming down.
(snickers)
- See?
I'm not even stinky.
(chuckles)
- Thank you.
- Ken?
- Get outta my seat!
- You know, you both did a terrific job.
I won't forget it.
- This old creep pulled
us through one more time.
- You're cute, both of you.
- Thanks again, Bacchus Three.
Bacchus!
- Good job.
- Now you've done it again.
(laughs)
(altogether)
- Mighty Jack.
Yeah.
- Mighty Jack?
- I'm quite a guy, really.
You know?
- So?
- Hey Dan?
Come on, we're goin' fishin'!
You promised.
- How you doing?
- Still a little groggy.
- Is everybody alright?
- Not too bad.
- I feel great.
Ready for a workout.
- Yeah, you got spunk.
I hate spunk.
- What is it?
- [Man On Phone] This is
your morning call, sir.
We'll be expecting you all downstairs
in an hour for some tennis.
- Is this the morning ZOO guys?
(laughs)
- Yeah, I'll go string my racket.
Say, what happened to room service?
- [Man On Phone] Sorry, sir.
I'm afraid our guests have
to cook their own breakfasts.
- Enough of the good-natured ribbing, bye!
- You bet.
- I love it.
(upbeat techy music)
- Please hold your present
position for the moment,
we will be giving you your
landing instructions shortly.
- Shortly?
What's the delay?
- They might have to clear
a landing space for us,
that's all.
Message received, we're
holding our position,
waiting to hear from you.
- All our best to Joan and the kids.
(blasting stops)
- So, looks like I'll park there, then.
Park on the street.
- I think I could speed things
up if I had a word with them.
- Oh, Mr. Connections.
Oh, Mr. Sarcasm.
- Colonel Yurulin calling
Saysar headquarters.
- [Man On Phone] Yurulin?
- Yep, we're number one!
- Your space command was
nice enough to rescue me
from a Carraru Prison.
I can vouch for every one of the crew.
We'd like to land on Saysar right away.
- Bite me?
Is that official?
(dark music)
- Say, what's the matter down there?
I'm used to having my official request
dealt with immediately!
- Oh, do you?
- Did you hear that?
- [Man On Phone] We
read you loud and clear.
- We just don't like you.
- [Man On Phone] We
have no Colonel Yurulin
listed on our officers roster.
- Don't talk nonsense!
Check that roster again!
I've been a senior officer
in the Saysar command
for the last 20 years!
- Captain, I think there's
some sort of mistake!
- Starting with the script.
- Colonel Yurulin, it sounds
like you're pretending
to be someone you aren't!
- Nobody asked you.
This insubordination is unheard of!
- Three weeks' detention for Ken!
- Well you did reveal a
few vital military secrets
to the Karans, didn't you?
- Wait a second.
You're saying I gave
away vital information?
- Yeah.
- How did you find out about that?
(gulping sounds)
- I got drunk.
(exhales)
- Anyway, now it seems we're all involved
in this situation together.
- Yep.
- This is no trade mission.
You're after that secret
weapon, aren't you?
- Colonel Yurulin.
- Your mouthwash just ain't making it.
- If we are after it, then I think you're
the least likely individual
to lead us to it.
They don't even know you down there.
- It's ridiculous.
Bunch of idiots!
- Ship of fools!
(dramatic music)
- What the heck is going on?
(engines sounding)
- Oh no, no.
(dramatic music)
It's starting over.
(yells)
- Oh boy.
- I'm gonna bust it again, when it's over.
- Is she really going out with him?
- That was just a warning.
Ken, keep your cool.
- You're wrong.
Those guys aren't kidding.
- I can't believe it.
- My own people would
never dare shoot at me!
- [Captain] Looks like they have.
Engines, full blast.
(blasting)
- I love the whole incoherent
Mighty Jack quality
of this film.
(shudders)
- Will you repeat that, please?
- It's kind of a (mumbles).
- I wet 'em.
- This week, join Jonny,
Hadji, Race Bannon and Bandit.
(barks)
Jonny Quest.
- We're surrounded.
They'll attack again any minute.
- Don't let insects
spoil your garden party.
- Captain!
- Pia Zadora?
No!
- Oh, no.
They're being attacked by Norelco razors!
- Even the name says, "Merry Christmas!"
(lasers shooting)
- Oh!
I'm gonna get them!
- It's too dark to go out on your bike.
Come back here.
- Don't fire back, try to make contact.
Tell them it's a mistake!
- What are you, Captain
Kirk all of a sudden?
- Say, this is for real.
Get ready to counter-attack!
- Yes, sir!
- Magic booze bottle, take me away!
- Ole!
(laser fires)
- Breaked at it!
- Oh, is killing fun, Ken?
Does it amuse you?
(sings along with music)
♫ Let's all watch Ken,
♫ As he kills the bad guys,
♫ They'll taste their steel,
♫ Then drink their own blood,
♫ They'll try to kill
him with a forklift ♫
I'm making this up as I go along.
- Faster, PussyKen, kill, kill!
- Alright, go.
- Like you've never go-ed before.
- I'll show 'em.
- I'll run away, then they'll
be sorry they picked on me.
(sobs)
(lasers shooting)
- Why is Ken behaving like this?
- Because it's bitter and it's his heart.
- Bang, bang.
Killing is fun.
(booms)
- Oh, and he picks up a spare!
- Yeah, so let's review the plot so far.
They went into outer space and, let's see.
(stammers)
They went into space, and
it's on the tip of my tongue.
- Oh, I know, I know.
They suffocated for awhile, and--
- And then came lots of explosions, and--
- Yeah, and
(explosion sounds)
- I think that's it.
- I really enjoyed that.
- You're sick, buddy.
- Now that they know where we are,
they're gonna send out the next wave.
- You know the old
saying, "eye for an eye."
(chuckles)
- Breakfasts and dentists.
(laughs)
- Here they come again!
- Ooh, catch 'em if you can!
- There's no way out of this, sir.
Sooner or later one of
them is gonna score a hit.
- Off the bong.
Woo!
- Can you guide us to a safe place
to make an emergency landing?
- Uh, my uncle's got a
planet, let's crash there.
- If you wanna stay alive,
you're gonna have to help us.
Where can we land?
- Well, I do know of a place.
- Alright.
Tell us where it is.
- Everyone calls it the Devil's Desert.
- Sounds pretty neat.
- If you're really
willing to take the risk,
I'll be glad to guide you.
- Okay, let's go.
- We're going to Vegas, everybody!
Woo!
- Looks like the big blue marble.
- Sure does.
- Okay let's see here,
there's Satan's triangle,
Lucifer's elbow, oh,
there's Devil's Desert.
- Flying over a teenage
skin eruption, sir.
- Eew.
(laughs)
- Huh?
- We're landing there?
- You gotta problem with that?
(humming)
- Nice effect, Bill.
- Hold on tight.
This is gonna be a rough one.
- We better learn to get along.
- Careful! Careful!
These sands are treacherous!
- They're headed straight for the dock!
(grunts)
(rumbling)
- You know this film
looks like it's scraping
the bottom.
- Well, should I let her down?
- Ah, note to myself.
Put landing gear on this baby.
(whispers)
- Arrakis, Dune.
Desert planets.
- Damn, just washed this thing.
- Looks like one of my
ski club overnights.
- Ooh!
- A planet that evolved from carob?
I don't think so.
- In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby!
(groans)
- Tammy!
Tammy!
- Tell me true!
- A girl, a grim old warrior
is supposed to be brave!
- Ken?
- Are you alright?
- Yes.
- Get up.
Sir!
- Foo-ball practice!
- What, what?
Who turned off the TV set?
- Bloody Marys all around!
(grunts)
- Come on, pull yourself together.
- You're telling him to
pull yourself together?
Ken, better check the others.
- Okay.
- Oh yeah, aye-aye, Captain.
- Dan?
Snap out of it!
Billy!
- Don't be a hero!
- Colonel Yurulin!
(groans)
- Drive through clowns!
I want a sunrise biscuit!
Come on in there!
- Would you look at that?
So hot in here it feels like a steam bath.
- And me without a towel.
- Rocky, better get
the area on the screen.
- Okay.
- Oh wow, they gotta
watch their own reruns?
What a nightmare!
- I wonder how much damage we've done.
- I don't know.
I want every inch of
this craft checked out.
- Yes sir!
- Every inch.
- Even the inch under your seat?
- Every inch, get to it.
- Even the dirtiest inch in the kitchen?
- Every single inch.
- Even that inch--
- At least we're on the ground again.
Alright, I'd better go help the others.
(upbeat techy music)
- [Tom Servo] New, from
the Star Force line
of action figures, it's Captain Joe!
The boozy, brawling, bloated,
Bacchus Three commander
from the beloved Fugitive Aliens series!
- Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately!
- Yes, he swaggers, he
staggers, and he even talks!
- Um, if I would do a
lot worse than throw with
a lot of Bacchus Three,
set 'em up, barkeep.
- Flask and travel bar not included.
(crash)
- Yes, with your Captain
Joe action figure,
you'll be in a constant
state of excitement
while he's in a state of denial.
- I only drink on the weekend.
I can drink--
- Existential void where prohibited.
- Sure, he's got a problem but you don't
have to watch him deteriorate,
after all, you've spent
nine ninety-five for him!
- Tax and license not included.
- You can have hours
of fun as you organize
a crisis intervention for Captain Joe!
- Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here
and watch you deteriorate.
(Joel speaking in woman's voice)
Captain Joe, Ken and
I had you over to eat.
You got drunk on cooking
sherry and made a pass at me
and threw up all over
the Malibu Dream House.
Captain Joe, dude, I loved you.
But I'm not gonna sit here and watch you
cowabungle your life.
(crash)
- And don't forget kids,
if Captain Joe refuses
to deal with the issues,
you can always try to
kill him with a forklift.
- 12 step workbook optional.
Product not included in some boxes.
Joe Namath netted slingshot
brief sold separately.
(buzzing)
(yells)
(doors open)
- Well, let's go.
- Hey, where are you going, Rocky?
- I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
- You and Tammy are staying here.
- What for?
- As soon as we've left,
I want you to bring back
us three to a safer place.
- Sir, do you think you're
doing the right thing?
- What do you mean?
- I was told, when the
mission is dangerous,
(clicking)
it's the older men who are
the ones to stay behind.
- Rocky, that's an order!
- Impressive eye contact.
- Sir, that's crazy.
You can't go on a forced
march through this desert
at your age, let me go!
- I'll command my own mission.
You--
- Pull my finger.
- Do as you're told.
I never shirk my responsibilities.
- Not even when my hip cracks.
(dramatic music)
- Rocky!
- Have you gone out of your mind?
- This is one order I can't obey.
- Disobey it over my dead body.
- Okay.
- [Tammy] Rocky, don't!
- Shoot me if you got the guts.
My orders still stand!
- Squeeze.
(gunshot)
(gasps)
(groans)
- Captain!
- Oh Captain, my Captain!
- Bitch, I'll kill ya for that!
- Don't get excited.
I wouldn't shoot my chief
with live ammunition.
It's a knockout dart.
- Of course it pierced his colon!
- It will just put him out of
commission for an hour or so.
Help me to get him someplace comfortable.
Ken, grab his legs.
Now men, we've got a
mission to accomplish.
- This is gonna be the first
time he's passed out cold
and gonna wake up sober.
(chuckles)
- Peek a boo!
- It's Abbott and Costello
in "Turning Japanese."
(vocalizing)
- All right, let's go.
(dramatic music)
- And man was born of woman,
and they both inhabited the earth.
- Tammy, I want you to contact us
as soon as you move Bacchus
Three to a safer place.
Call us on our micro radios.
- Right.
- We'll try to maintain
contact from our end.
And don't forget.
Keep us in radar range.
- You can count on it.
(coughs)
- Oh, and you better lock
up the liquor cabinet
and hide the key.
You know what I mean?
(singing along with music)
♫ We're headed for adventure,
♫ We'll leave Tammy behind,
♫ We're gonna pad up the film some more,
♫ And you'll fall asleep, three, four,
♫ We're climbing the sandy hill,
♫ Like you really care ♫
- Faster!
- Yes, sir!
- There's spiders all over me!
Get 'em off me!
Get 'em off me!
(sobs)
(groans)
- You know, it's the funniest sensation,
the room's not spinning.
Hmm.
- I'll kill that Rocky.
- Again?
(chuckles)
- I took the liberty of
changing your jumpsuit, sir.
- Captain!
- Are they in radar range?
- Yes sir.
They're right here on the screen.
22 degrees east north east.
(beeping)
- I'm not in right now, but if you'd like
to leave a message with my shoulder--
- Rocky.
- Again?
- Rocky!
- I read you loud and clear.
- Stop it.
- We're advancing on our objective.
- That was a dirty trick you played on me.
(clears throat)
- Why don't you court
marshal me over a cold beer
when this mission is over?
- And a shot?
- Alright.
I want you guys to be careful.
It's a very tricky operation.
- Yes sir.
And you get a good rest.
One of these days you'll
thank me for what I did.
- Shoulder phone off.
- Rocky.
- Again?
- Sorry.
(beeping)
- Pong?
Hmm.
- That Rocky.
- Again?
- I'll bust him when this is over.
(giggles)
- Sorry, I was thinking
of something else, sir.
(singing to music)
♫ We are marching on a big sand hill,
♫ We realize you've had your fill,
♫ As we march up on this big sand hill. ♫
- Just stop.
- Hey, corn.
Hey, corn!
- Get down!
- There's a watch tower.
- Oh, but I kid (mumbles)
ladies and gentlemen!
Love them.
- Hey, check it out,
they're fighting ZZ Top!
(dramatic music)
- Hey, hey.
Oh hi, Evan.
- I think they swiped this
music from Mission: Impossible.
- Get in as close as you can.
I'll try to divert the guards.
- And watch out for the percussionist.
They might have tambourines.
- Let go of my leg.
- What's the matter?
Don't you trust me?
- What guarantee do we have
that you won't double-cross us?
- Oh, I'll leave you my keys.
- Look, if you attack that post head-on,
those machine guns will
mow you down in a matter
of seconds.
- Hey, Moe!
- You know the way I feel.
I've got a score to
settle with this country.
- And a song in his heart.
- No question where my loyalties lie.
- He's true to his school.
- Okay, I'll still keep you covered.
- Shhh!
Now!
(dramatic music)
Walk the way I walk!
I'll hunker down like that.
- Plan B, Nurse Cunningham!
(speaking in German)
- Hey, it's high definition TV.
- Count Douche?
- Hey, you got a little toilet
paper in your shoe, there.
(scoffs)
He's coming out of the loo.
- Hi, keeper.
Now, on with it.
(mutters)
- He did sell us out.
- Uh sir, it's the Peter Frampton alarm.
It only goes off in the '70s.
(blows raspberries)
- A rat always returns to it's hole.
(dramatic music and siren)
- This is Operation: Desert Bore.
(chuckles)
- Sounds like the teacher
from the Peanuts TV specials.
- He's going to shoot us himself!
- Well, I'm flattered!
- Down!
(yells)
(gunshots)
- Oh no!
(gunshots)
(screams)
- Cross of Iron, in color.
George! Paul!
John!
Pete Best!
- You like my fort made
out of refrigerator boxes?
- Come on out!
- Now it looks like Lawrence of Arabia
except for the pink pleather suits.
(chuckles)
- Come on, girls!
(laughs)
- We're filled with mirth!
Mirth Cunningham!
(laughs)
- Where have all the dead guys gone?
Oh.
- Looks like I had you
worried for a while.
- You think anything's wrong?
- It seems alright so far, sir.
- Good.
- Hey that Westinghouse
symbol kind of got wrecked
in the crash.
(chuckles)
- Tammy?
- [Tammy] Yes sir?
- We've gotta get this ship outta here,
before the next sand storm.
That clear?
- Yes sir.
- Okay, now here's the liquor store,
and there's Tom Thumb.
Now you take two lefts and
you're there, no problem.
- This is it.
The red star is the security zone.
- We have still 35 miles
through weathership Tango Dolan.
- Okay, now it's our turn to move.
Let's go!
- Hi Keeba, Captain.
(singing with music)
♫ Now strap in tight,
let's get set for action,
♫ To hoist a ship out of the sand,
♫ He tried to kill me with a forklift,
♫ Huzzah! ♫
- [Voiceover] While Captain
Joe moves the spacecraft
closer to the secret installation,
the crew of Bacchus Three,
disguised as Saysar soldiers
advances cautiously.
- Me, I'm Carl, the narrator.
I used to work with Ken.
I do these voiceovers to finance
what I really want to do.
- And what is that, Carl?
- Decoupage.
(laughs)
- Thank you.
- What are they doing at the
Joshua Tree national forest?
- You got me.
- Oh, this is the nice
side of the Devil's Desert.
- Have they got the secret weapon stored
inside of this depot?
- No, but they've got Mr. Freezys.
- It must be here.
- It sure doesn't look like
a high security installation.
- Yeah, looks like nothing.
- Most of it's underground.
- Yeah, they've even got a
bowling alley in the basement,
it's just like the White
House, it's really cool.
- It's a nature outing.
- Oh, charming.
- Stop here.
- Wait, there's your punch.
(suspenseful music)
- Damn, zinthen balls everywhere!
- Oh no!
- Okay.
- Don't go near that!
- Looks like we're in
the giraffe lot, here.
- He's making something.
(grunts)
(zaps)
- Hi-keeba!
- Well, good thing we're not branches.
- Just as I thought.
They've got the whole
insulation surrounded
by a lethal ray.
- Martha Ray.
- Wow.
- That's all we need.
This super weapon must be an
incredibly powerful device.
If they need this elaborate
a system to protect it.
- No Ken, don't try it.
- Yeah, nice kanky you're
working on there, Rocky.
- If you get anywhere
near that, it'll vaporize
you in seconds!
- Don't even have to--
(groans)
- Woah!
- The fosbury flop!
- We've discovered flubber!
(exclaims)
Fun!
(exclaims)
- Okay, Billy, you're next.
Let's go.
- What about my rifle?
- There you are, there's your rifle!
(exclaims)
- That red spot hasn't moved an inch.
- But it's healing nicely.
- I hope they're alright.
(chuckles)
- They'll be fine.
The know if they blow this one,
I'm gonna kick them
right out of the service.
- You remind me of my father.
- Oh, let's keep our mind on our,
(grunts)
work, shall we?
(exclaims)
- Having a Star Wolf
along has it's advantages.
- Rocky, let's go.
- I'm with you.
- And without you.
(chuckles)
(singing along with music)
- Wait, a musical.
- All Boring on the Western Front.
(laughs)
- I'll say.
- Rocky.
Come over here.
- Again?
- Oh, he did it again!
- Way over here.
- Look!
Check that out with your field glasses.
(exclaims altogether)
- Oh.
- Say, not bad.
- So it is underground.
- Rocky!
- There's a world going on underground.
- It's us!
Hey, wait a minute, did we
just do another hop thing?
- Hey, it's us again, are we
stuck in time or something?
- It won't be easy
getting into this place.
- How will we do it?
- Easy, those ID tags.
If we can get our hands on them,
we can waltz right through.
- Why not take the whole uniform?
- And rumba right in?
- I'm Chet.
Welcome to Arby's training school.
Again, I'm Chet, if you need anything.
I'll write it down.
- Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
They're nude!
- Good luck.
- Arty Johnson.
I thought so!
- Jack Sue!
- Boots were made for walking.
(humming with music)
♫ Lay down the boogie
♫ And play that funky music 'til you die ♫
(groans)
- Jack Oki?
- That was easy.
- Again, I'm Chet.
- Haven't seen those guys here before.
- Nice thinking, guys.
- You know how it is, they're
always sending reinforcements.
- We are 22 minutes to
weathership tango delta.
- Captain!
- I saw it!
They made it inside.
I knew they would.
(vocalizes mimicking music)
- Hmm.
- We got the call, man!
I got the shaft.
(laughs)
- It's Bruce Lee, and Bruce Lee
in a collision course with wackiness.
(silly laughter)
- Crotch cam, I'm huge!
(laughs)
(vocalizes mimicking music)
- Hey, do you guys have a hall pass?
Come on!
- Hi-keeba, get the tooth brushed.
And trim the hair on your nose!
That's all.
(suspenseful music)
- Zip lamps! Everywhere!
- Huzzah.
(panting)
- Nice boots.
- Over here!
A little further, behind this rock, yeah.
- For the walking sequence,
special director Roger Corman.
- Quit panting, so shut up!
(whistles)
- Nothing, nothing, act natural, hi!
(humming)
- Garrison's gorillas, in color.
- Saysar!
- Romero!
- Did somebody say a Saysar Romero?
(chuckles)
- Okay, let's do it now.
- What, here?
- Why not?
- Hold it.
- Now!
(groans)
- It's mom's old vaudeville stuff!
(suspenseful music)
- Wait a minute, it's the
lobby of Caesar's Palace!
- I thought so.
- Cool!
- Are they blue or not?
- The blasted thing!
- I can smash this alone.
Is that all there is to it?
- Quiet!
Just wait.
Your superhuman strength may not be enough
against a machine like that.
We've got to do this slowly and carefully.
- So you can thoroughly bore the viewers.
(grand music)
- You guys, I'm having a hard time feeling
how big this is, can we
have something on the screen
to figure out the scale, here?
It would be helpful.
- Attention, attention.
This is field marshal Tulsa,
your commander in chief.
- And grand poo-bah.
- I am proud to announce
that a new age has begun
for the people of Saysar--
- Oh, that explains the crystals.
(murmuring)
- From this moment on,
with our superior weapons
and military strength, we
can meet any challenge.
Not even the supposedly
invincible Wolf Raiders
from ValNastar can threaten us any more.
From now on we should
be able to crush their--
- Sorry, ladies.
- And destroy their very planet.
- Lunch today is chicken fried
steak and whipped potatoes.
- All ready to dominate the world!
Sir, we've achieved
the final breakthrough.
We're getting ready to--
- No speeches, soldier!
Get back to your post!
- Excuse me, sir.
I promise to pay more
attention to my duties.
- What a dope.
Hit 'em.
Come on.
- Halt!
Nobody's allowed past this point.
- You must be a new recruit.
- No sir, a blue recruit.
- Yes, sir.
Right away.
Out of my way.
- Sir, I was ordered not to
let anyone pass this point.
- These men are alright.
- They're really good guys,
especially that chopper.
He's a nut.
- All done in there?
- It's a Super Tom Servo!
With thrust busters and glass packs!
Wow!
- Tunnel ram.
Four barrel.
Chopped and channeled.
Cool.
- Look at that!
Like a beating heart!
- Like a beating heart Liberal.
(coughs)
- Dan, you plant the time bomb.
- Okay.
- Wait, they're going to destroy it
with refrigerator magnets?
- Yes, my detachment was on maneuvers,
in the northernmost part of the country--
- Yeah, it was a blast, we had fun.
- You're a sleek young fellow.
Thin, charming.
- Yes, sir.
I know that, sir.
We had a competition in our unit.
- I was the bluest.
- That's why I was selected for guard duty
at this installation.
- You've created quite a
little world for yourself,
I see.
- Hide the bomb.
It's in the room with that kid.
- Open the door!
I haven't got all day!
- Well I do, but I don't
want to give it up for this
is what I mean.
- Everything all right?
- Yes, sir.
Everything's just fine.
- Good, let's go.
- Bye, thanks for the check up.
So cool.
- Thanks.
- You're a fine soldier.
The next time I see your commander,
I'll tell him you're doing a good job.
- Oh, thank you, Colonel.
- Let's do lunch.
You're it.
- I could talk to that guy
until I'm blue in the face.
(humming)
- Thanks for keeping him distracted.
The time bomb is ready to go off.
- Oh, he's a swell kid,
hate to see him die.
(upbeat techy music)
- They're playing my song!
- Calculating number 15,
Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.
- Masterpiece Theatre is brought to you by
a grant from the Mobil Corporation.
- You can't just stand there, sir.
- Watch me.
- We've got to get out of here.
- This is our Saysar anthem.
- So what?
- Every day at this hour,
we all stand at attention
and renew our loyalty to the homeland.
- That's great.
While the others are
standing at attention,
we'll get out.
- Yeah, that's great.
You stand at attention
and I'll pick you up
and carry you, come on!
- Hey, are those Blaupunkt speakers?
They sound great.
- And the home of the brave!
(spits)
- Hey buddy!
- What's wrong?
- Can he hear?
- Colonel!
Psst, Colonel!
- Ex-nay on the edge-play!
- It's that music!
It has an effect on him.
When he hears it he snaps to attention.
- That guy's crazy!
We've got no time for patriotism now!
- That bomb is about to go off.
Colonel!
We gotta get out of here!
Come on down, sir,
there's no time to lose!
- Huh?
- My country needs me!
- Colonel!
- You know his country would win more wars
if it's national anthem was shorter.
- What happened to you?
- Somebody fingerpainted me!
(mutters)
- What?
- Get off my chest!
- Red alert!
Red alert!
Message received.
Nobody gets in here.
- Without a tuxedo and
a note from Mr. Gotti.
- You can't go in there!
- Outta my way!
- Infidel.
- Stay where you are!
One more step and I'll shoot!
(blast)
- He didn't take a step, what is he?
A Chicago cop?
That guy?
- Oh look, he's doing Joe Cocker.
(sings)
♫ What would you think? ♫
- Arby's just lost one good worker.
He was the best damn fry cook they had.
(clicks tongue)
Adios, sweet friend.
- Space Camp, with Kate Capshaw.
- We are unable to reach
the primary target, sir.
We will go to alternate target at Makiba.
- Captain, it's 15 minutes.
- We're not famous anymore.
- Ken and the others aren't out,
there's something wrong, sir.
- I have confidence in them.
They're all professionals.
- Yeah, I'll be inside
a bottle if you need me.
- I hate patronizing answers.
(sonic waves)
(screams)
- Prisoners are baked, not fried.
- Ken!
- Billy!
- Do not attempt to adjust your TV.
- Don't wait for me, go on ahead.
(blasts)
- Oh, wait!
Hit the wrong guy.
- Billy!
Save yourself!
- [Voiceover] There they are!
- Laser wall by Peter Max.
(shooting)
(humming along with music)
- Billy!
Don't try to fight them off, run for it!
- I'll come back for you, Dan!
- Yeah, right.
He'll never see him again.
(shooting)
- This is great.
Looks like a cancelled stamp.
(laughs)
(vocalizes with music)
- Well time for a drink.
- Yep, it's getting later and later.
Tammy?
I think we'd better take off.
Ready?
- Yes, Captain!
- All right.
Flyin' high now.
- You're into what?
- What? Dan was trapped?
- Yes, I tried to help him but--
- He already chewed half his leg off.
- I heard what he said.
I can rescue Dan.
- Can you get in there
before the bomb goes off?
- I can do that.
- I can try.
- We've gotta be sure.
- We'll never save Dan
by talking about it.
- Well then let's sing about it!
- Billy, you stop worrying, okay.
- Thanks for cheering me up, you're a pip!
- You guys better get outta here quick.
Nothing doin', I'm going with you.
(grunts)
No, you're not.
- You get back to the ship.
- I wanna help you rescue Dan.
- I wanna know what love is.
- Your injured leg?
You'll only be in my way.
(groans)
- This is great.
Do we have to see this?
Come on.
- Sounds like he's getting a tattoo
of the bizzy buzz buzz or something.
- Oh Victor Kaya, why did
you have to buy the company?
- What is the nature of your mission here?
(screams)
- Shaves like a blade!
- I'm going to have to drill again.
- You were collecting
information on our secret weapon.
You're a spy, aren't you, huh?
(screaming)
- Now rinse, please.
Is it safe?
(buzzing)
- Who sent you here?
- If you don't look
good, we don't look good.
- Say, you're not enjoying this.
Now, I think you better answer us.
Otherwise, things will get even worse!
(grunts)
- Just a little off the top!
- Talk!
- Talk!
- Talk talk, by Talk Talk,
from the album talk talk.
(booms)
- Yep, thought I could get
Red flying a crop duster
if I lived long enough.
(chuckles)
- Look at that dust.
- Man, should I be driving?
I mean, I already got TWIs.
(dramatic music)
(gun shots)
(vocalizes)
- Interpretive death!
Flip chop to a somersault!
Pretty routine, I've seen that before.
- Hey, it's a three-legged race.
- Or five.
(beeps)
- Oh, snaggle tooth!
- Captain!
They're back on the screen!
- That's great.
(growls)
Didn't I tell you they were professionals?
- Yes, sir.
(pants)
- Professional what?
- Is that dubbed?
That sounds like it might be dubbed.
- Pretty much.
- It's dubbed.
- Hey, time's running out, hurry.
- There's only seven minutes left.
- I know that, you idiot!
- Dan's still in there!
- And he's got the keys to your van
and his dad was going to buy us a keg!
- Here, you want a sandwich?
I got chicken salad and some
peanut butter and jelly.
- Sorry, kid, I didn't
mean to yell at you.
- Rocky, it's all my fault.
I should never have abandoned him.
- It's no one's fault.
And if anyone can save them, it's Ken.
You did the right thing in getting help.
- Yeah, it's Ken's fault!
- Now pull yourself together.
Look at that!
Over there!
- Odd, that plane's dusting crops.
But there ain't no crops!
- Just in time!
- Cool.
(pants)
- This is your last chance, earthling.
Now, who sent you here and why?
- Now remember, the first blade pulls
the whisker out, capice?
(groans)
- Weapon!
- Now we're getting somewhere.
Who sent you?
(cries)
- Oil can?
Did he say oil can?
- Increase the voltage!
How much you think you can take?
- He's an electro-holic!
Ohm is too many and a
trillion isn't enough.
- Ohm is the loneliest number, you know.
(laughs)
- They did?
Hurry!
All of you!
We're going to locate that bomb!
- Yes sir!
Come on, men!
- Yes sir!
- Oh no, you don't!
Dan!
- Van Damme and Van Damme in
Van Damme You All to Hell.
(laughs)
(exclaims)
- You're a god, Van Damme.
(grunts)
- Wow this is great, the
director chooses closeups
for the action sequences.
(chuckles)
- Perfect.
- Oh great, they're still parking.
- Hard to find a spot.
(pants)
- They communicate by gasping.
(pants)
- Look, Edelweiss.
Pretty.
(pants)
- Rocky, hurry!
- Again?
- Where's Ken?
And Dan?
- That's a good question.
Let's talk about it on the way home.
- In five minutes, that bomb goes off.
And they're still in there.
We have to leave.
- Why are they still in there?
What's happened to Ken?
- Oh, he's into Barbie, it's sad, really.
- 20 seconds.
- But you're skirting the whole Ken issue!
Every time I really like a guy!
(grunts)
- You know I love my work,
I never think I gotta go
to work, I just love it.
(grunts)
- Hi-keeba?
(yells)
- Hi-keeba!
Nice dismount!
(speaks in foreign language)
(grunts)
- Hey!
(speaks in foreign language)
- It's fun.
- Good one.
- What, (mumbles) Ken?
- Easy, that's it!
- Easy does it.
- I'm serious about mufflers.
(giggles)
- Three minutes 'til the explosion.
- I can still get in a quick one.
- Yeah, we gotta get in
a quick one too, guys.
- Please wait, sir.
Ken and Dan can't be that far away.
(pants)
Ken!
Ken made it!
(doors close)
- All right!
I'm feeling really good!
- Woo!
(sings)
♫ This is the song,
starting off our medley,
♫ Our favorite fugitive alien song,
♫ Don't try to kill us with a forklift,
♫ Won't take very long,
relax and sing along ♫
- Thank you, thank you.
- You know, Tommy?
A movie like Fugitive
Alien can make you cry
and it can make you cry.
But the thing I treasure most,
and I'm speaking from the heart here,
this is totally off-script,
is the music.
- Oh, this is so true, Mon Crow.
Songs of love and adventure,
and if I may, whimsy, no?
(chuckles)
But you know my favorite was
the heart-wending ballad
in which the wistful Tammy
pledges her love to Ken.
- It goes a little something like this.
(clears throat)
- Two, three, four.
(sings)
♫ I love Ken, he is my sweet friend
♫ And I love him,
♫ I love Ken, he is my sweet friend
♫ And I love him,
♫ I'm so blue 'cause I
don't think Ken loves me,
♫ I'm so blue 'cause I
don't think Ken loves me,
♫ I'm all messed up inside
I might have to off him,
♫ I'm all messed up inside
I might have to off him,
♫ I'll frame Rocky and get away scot-free,
♫ I'll frame Rocky and get away scot-free,
♫ I love Ken, he is my
sweet friend and I love him,
♫ Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques,
♫ I'm so blue 'cause I
don't think Ken loves me,
♫ Sonnes les matines, sonnez les matines,
♫ I'm all messed up inside
I might have to off him,
♫ I saw three ships come
sailing in, on Christmas day,
♫ On Christmas Day,
♫ I'll frame Rocky and get away scot-free,
♫ I love Ken, I love Ken ♫
- Alright, this band is marvelous,
aren't they, ladies and gentlemen?
Cambot Brown and his band renown!
Give it up for 'em!
(snaps)
- Smokin'!
- Yeah!
- One, two, three--
(scatting)
♫ It's got a real cool feel,
♫ Flyin' high with the Star Wolf,
♫ Firin' up the ship,
♫ And we're hittin' the town,
♫ With groovy Ken and Tammy,
♫ Swingin' Rocky and Joe ♫
- Wild, man.
♫ And those two other guys,
who we don't really know,
♫ Forget 'em,
♫ Lay down the boogie and
head for the stars, man ♫
- Thanks, Joel.
Well, that was fun.
But if I can get a little
serious for a moment,
well I was wondering where
we'd be without our boys
and girls in shiny red pleather?
It makes me proud to know that
they're out there somewhere.
(patriotic music)
♫ Look, can you see,
♫ Flyin' something,
♫ Fighting for you and me,
♫ Captain Joe and the gang,
♫ When they pass by,
♫ Throw them a Vulcan pie,
♫ Tell them that they will die,
♫ The guy in the blue ♫
- Tempo!
- Gypsy, you wanna do one with me?
- What?
- You wanna do one with me?
- Alright.
- Let's all do it.
- Okay.
(sing together)
♫ We are gonna find Sandy Frank,
♫ We just wanna ask him why,
♫ We wanna stick it to Sandy Frank,
♫ And sit on his chest and gag on his face
♫ And make him cry ♫
- Yeah!
- Let's take it home!
- I'm feelin' really good!
- Feels so good, it shows!
(cheers)
(sings)
♫ And that's our song,
♫ We hope that you enjoyed it,
♫ And if you thought
it was stupid and dry,
♫ Come on, and get us with a forklift,
♫ All we wanna do, with
love from us to you,
♫ Is sing (gasps)
♫ The last (mumbles) of song ♫
- Muah!
- I give up!
(upbeat techy music)
- No, no, you are Mr. Show Business.
- Smokin'!
- Absolutely!
(explosion)
- Oh no!
- Hey!
- I think Mega Servo just went up there.
- Oh, no.
Doggone it.
- Oh, they blew'd it up before
we found out what it was!
- Blew'd?
- Blew'd it up.
- I see, this is why
we don't let teenagers
into hotels anymore.
This kind of stuff.
- Definitely no kids.
- Look!
Sir!
- Alright!
- Terrific!
- Super, really super!
- There goes!
- Alright.
- Ah, Cherry, Bar, Cherry.
I haven't won all day.
(explosions)
- Never found out how big
that thing was, really.
- All relative scale.
- Wait, wait.
What was the plot here?
- Plot?
- Think they blew that up, too.
(chuckles)
- It's farfegnugen gone horribly wrong.
- I'll say.
(snoring)
- You know what this reminds me of?
Thunderbirds, all go!
(chuckles)
Remember?
(crashes)
- Hey, do they have
another Herb Albert tape?
I'm really getting sick of this.
- Eight-track recycled.
- Oh, that really does look good, though.
- It looks neat.
- Pretty impressive.
- Did Kissinger order this?
- I think it was Schwarzkopf.
- Oh.
- So there's stuff blowing up then.
- Pretty much.
- Yup.
- It's pretty neat.
- Blowing it up, yupper-doodle-doo.
- Got some money to blow here.
- Oh, yeah.
- This is pretty cool.
- It does look good, though.
- Really good.
- Orgy of destruction.
- Sorry, everyone!
Sorry!
Only meant to blow up that one thing!
Sorry!
- It's the Bridge on the
River Kwai over there.
(whistles)
- Yup.
- And they still haven't hit that.
- Here it goes.
- Uh oh.
(booms)
- Next on MacGyver.
- Can't begin to tell you
how proud I am of you guys.
- 'Cause I'm drunk.
- The greatest crew a Captain ever had.
(giggles)
- Hey, Ken!
- Pull my finger and do
that funny face you do.
(laughs)
- Pull my finger, too.
I love it when they do that.
- See, it's all working out.
I wish your mother were here to see this.
(exhales)
(yells)
- So, rangers!
- Gene Simmons?
- I'm delighted to report good news.
Our research center on earth
has just developed a bomb that
can destroy a whole planet.
- And you guys can't cut a
simple steak and shrimp combo!
- We will gain control of that bomb
and then Valna will dominate the universe!
- Yes, master.
- The universe in Wisconsin, Madison,
a tradition of excellence
for over 200 years.
- I've been waiting for you, Captain.
- Five neat guys.
And a girl.
- She runs the Reynold's Aluminum plant.
- It's too dangerous.
- I'm sorry my father was detained.
He wanted to welcome you--
- What?
- Mother!
- What's up, Ken?
- He's tripping.
- Looked like my mother.
Why'd she run away?
- 'Cause she hated kids, maybe?
- Mother!
- Hey, not so fast, Ken!
Take it easy.
You know you haven't seen
her in several years.
- Sounds like they're
playing the Godfather theme.
- But no one every really proved it.
That's why I--
- Ken, snap out of it.
- Come on, this is your mother now.
Try her out.
- We've been assigned to
escort this young lady.
- I beg your pardon.
- Hi-keeba.
- That's alright.
The problem is my father.
Ever since he developed that bomb,
all sorts of people have
been threatening me.
- Look, sir.
(dramatic music)
- We're being attacked by
models from Members Only!
- Take cover!
- Oh no, it's the Dave Clark Five
and they're being attacked
by Dino, Dizzy and Billy!
- It's like one of those Obsession ads.
If this is love, then find me guilty.
- Hey, it's the guys from Delta Epsilon!
- It's the guys from Sigma Fi!
- This kind of stuff
always happens on campus.
- Those soldiers move
faster than I expected.
(grunts)
- Guido Sarducci?
- The manufacturer of my invention--
- Sugar in this gum?
- Has been preserved on this microfilm--
- So it doesn't stick to dental work, eh?
- You mean this little film
contains information on
a bomb powerful enough
to blow up the entire universe?
- No matter what happens to me, Captain,
this microfilm must not
fall into the wrong hands.
- Why are they meeting in the shower?
- My daughter asked me not to
make this invention public.
- By the way of sitting on the urinal.
- Tammy's got a Weber Cooker.
- There she is again!
- Mother!
Why does she always run away?
- Why is she younger than me?
- Uh oh.
(dramatic music)
- Oh man, now he's outside.
I'd say this part of the
movie needs strict re-writes.
- A little weird.
- Hey mom!
Where'd you get the meadow?
- We're the catering squad.
- Hi-keeba.
- Greetings from our headquarters.
We have orders to bring you there.
(gasps)
- Captain's sportin' a bike rack there.
(chuckles)
- Tell your headquarters
they can forget their orders.
- Captain!
- Ash Wednesdays, Saysar style.
- Ouch.
- Filmed in convolution vision.
- I'll say.
(pants)
- Mother, come back!
- What in the Sam Scratch is going on?
- This is an entirely different
movie we're watching here!
- It was Halkon.
- Fred Biletnikoff!
- Attack.
- Hey, this side shoots to the left!
- Ken?
- Where the hell did you come from?
- All three of them were
to be taken back to Valna.
- Valna?
- Get me a spoon.
- Halkon was going to
hold them as hostages.
Just a minute.
This lady can tell you the rest.
- The rest of the story.
Page two.
- Halkon made me do it.
He wanted me to infiltrate your operation
posing as Ken's mother.
- And then he was going to kill her.
I better pay Halkon a visit.
(sobs)
- Ken, you're not going to Valna--
- Dressed like that.
- That's crazy.
- He's right, Ken.
- What other choice do I have?
- You could get a smaller belt buckle.
- Can you people people take on Halkon?
No way.
- Jose!
- It's got to be me.
- It's just gotta be me!
- Accept no responsibility,
you'd be acting on your own, Ken.
What we can do is wish you good luck.
- Maybe pack you a few
sandwiches but that's it.
- He must be destroyed by a Star Wolf!
- You'll always be a Star Wolf.
- Never a star.
(laughs)
- Is that so awful?
If I'm able to use my
strength for a good cause?
- I'm just doing what
Jerry does for those kids!
- Don't be a fool.
- Don't be a fool with your life, Billy.
- Nobody admires you more than I do.
But you're no match for Halkon.
- Don't be so sure.
Halkon trained me for
every sort of combat.
He taught me well.
- One thing that Halkon didn't teach you
was to fight as dirty as he does.
Which is the reason why,
you better take some earthlings along.
- Because we're basically scum.
(laughs)
- Exactly what I was thinking.
(upbeat tech music)
- I wonder what the king
is drinking tonight.
(panting)
- Oh, another Orrin Hatch.
No, this one's a Richard Hatch.
- Oh.
(laughs)
- One wretched Star Wolf!
- Two wretched Star Wolves?
- I don't see any danger in that!
He had a space escort with him?
What's become of the others?
- Well, we tried to locate them, master.
- He's cute.
- I want Rockford dead!
- Every one of them!
If they're not dead by
nightfall, you'll die!
- Yes, master!
- He is cute.
Kind of looks like Tammy Faye, I think.
- Star Wolf!
(exclaims)
- Looking for me?
Hello, Star Wolf.
- Hello, Shirl.
- Halkon, I promised I'd
return here to settle
the score.
- I believe it was 15 love?
Something like that?
- Don't move!
(chuckles)
- You know you can't
bring yourself to kill me.
- I'm wearing my magic
rain cape and ski gloves.
- After all, Star Wolf, I'm
the one who created you.
Everything you are and everything you know
you learned from me.
- Well everything I know
I learned in kindergarten!
- You haven't the courage
to pull that trigger.
- You're wrong.
Everything I learned from you is wrong.
- Like three card monty.
- Everything you taught me was evil, evil.
Now I see another way of life.
A life that's honest and decent.
- I'm gonna become a nun!
- And I've come back to
destroy you and your evil!
- Ness.
- Thing.
- Now die!
- No, you're the one that's going to die!
- No, you're the one who's going to die!
No it's you, no you're
the one who's gonna,
who's gonna die?
- Maybe I am gonna die.
- Hi-keeba.
- Now I want you to sing like Tommy Tune.
(whimpers)
- Lord Halkon!
Bacchus!
Bacchus Three is headed
straight for our fortress!
- Boy, I'll say.
(crash)
- Kind of looks like
Captain Joe's in the bucket,
you know.
- Yep, yep.
- He's had a few.
- It's the opening of Manix.
- Sorry.
(vocalizes)
- That was convenient.
(grunts)
- That's a good defensive move.
Somersaults.
(grunts)
- Classic Manix disarm.
- Halkon!
- Jackie Chan he is not.
- Wait a minute, Star Wolf.
Why don't we discuss this?
- Over a cocktail and some calamari?
- Put down that sword.
What's the good of killing me?
We can be allies!
(grunts)
- My nut!
- Oh!
(grunts)
- Big mistake.
- You're dumber than I thought, Ken.
(dramatic music)
- Die, Star Wolf!
- Oh, another one.
You know, women just shouldn't
hang around this guy.
(gasps)
- Mother!
- Thanks, substitute mom.
- Ken, listen.
I'm not your real mother.
- But I'm an incredible simulation.
- Don't die!
- Ken!
- Hey, neat!
Where did you get the girl on a stick?
- This must be Halkon's work.
- I noticed the fine
detail, the craftsmanship.
- Look, Halkon's getting away.
- No!
- Yes!
- No, he's not!
(blast)
- Super car!
Super car!
- This is it!
- This is it, the night of nights!
No more rehearsing and nursing of parts!
(explosion)
- Sorry.
- This is Bernard Shaw, downtown Baghdad,
I'm under a table, I'm running cam B.
- Um no, that was George Bernard Shaw.
- Baghdad?
- So uh, why do you think they're fighting
over a Heidelberg?
(gasps)
- He's gotta go bad, that one.
- Puppet ships to the rescue!
(sings)
♫ You tried to kill us with a forklift ♫
- Where have I seen this before?
- Oh, I don't know, a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away?
- Yeah, that's it.
Pretty much.
- Attack.
- Oh, he's urging himself
on, self motivation.
- Now die!
- You die, Joel!
- You'll never destroy me, Star Wolf!
- You can't destroy me, I quit!
(crash)
- Oh well, this at least
has gotta slow it down,
I mean, please.
- Put a chink in his get along.
- There goes Old Maine.
The whole campus is gone now.
- A chink in his get along?
(exhales)
- Aren't you glad we're heading for earth?
(giggles)
- Yeah.
- 'Cause they have dentists there.
- There's a girl I can hardly wait to see.
- A girl?
You switch-hitter, you.
- What's wrong with you, Ken?
I would've thought you'd be
a little more enthusiastic.
- Captain?
I got something to tell you.
- I want to be a woman.
- You guys?
It was great knowing you.
- It was?
- I've gotta go back to Valna.
- Yeah, we hear your theme song.
- Ken!
- What do you hope to accomplish there?
- Well, he signed up for
a health club membership
and he should use the rest
of it, it was 18 months.
- Halkon's dead now, the land destroyed.
Perhaps I can help build
a new nation there,
a new civilization.
- You think you can
change the world, do you?
- That's an impossible job.
- You'd need 10 lifetimes to complete it.
Think it over, why don't
you just stick with us, Ken?
After all, you started
life as an earthling.
- Yeah, I'll get help.
Maybe hire some staff, I don't know.
- Valna's missionaries, and died there.
I want to finish the work.
- Hmm, it's not exactly on our way.
- It's your decision.
- Boy, his cheeks are huge.
- Good luck, Ken.
Star Wolf.
- Thank, I think.
- I'll just shake your hand.
- But I won't kiss you.
- I don't like goodbyes.
- Billy!
- Don't be a hero, man.
- It's been great.
- Thanks.
- Dan?
- Or, whatever your name is, new guy.
Think I would've liked you.
- We've been through a lot together.
- Yeah.
- Soul brother.
- Tammy?
I'll never forget you.
- And I'll never forget you, uh, um, Ken.
- Ooh, doll hands.
(gasps)
- Oh, grow up.
- Hey, they're gonna
land on the bowling ball.
(beeps)
- Ready now, take off!
- Take off, Hoser!
(exclaims)
- Woah!
- Star Wolf.
- Goodbye, Ken.
- Good night, sweet prince.
- Oh, look at that suit,
what is he going to be, in
swing choir or something?
- And we have closure!
(cheers)
- [Voiceover] Fugitive Alien will be back
in Fugitive Alien Come Home,
Fugitive Alien III, the next
day, the final chapter, 3000.
(doors close)
- Ah let's see here, Brewster's millions,
Brian's song.
- Oh no, no, no.
I couldn't handle
Brian's song again, Crow.
When I saw that I was
dewy-eyed for a week.
- No, it didn't affect me that way at all.
- Well you know I had
some other things going
on in my life at the time, and--
- Hey you guys, what are you doing?
- Oh, we're just looking
through Leonard Maltin's
movie guide, thinking of
shooting the MADs a memo.
Hoping that they'd welcome some input
on the experiment selection.
- Well you know, they
don't have to all be as bad
as the one we say today.
(barking)
And maybe all our interests
can be served, gang.
It can be a win-win situation.
- Yeah.
- I don't know about that, the MADs seem
to be pretty territorial
about stuff like that.
One thing you have to admit,
at the end of this movie
that the evil villain
they had was actually
pretty evil, you know.
(laughs)
- You mean the one with the heavy rouge?
- Yeah, and the face that
was dipped in a huge vat
of white-out?
- Yeah, that guy.
- I know what you mean, Joel.
He scared me so much I almost
started watching the movie.
- He's kind of like somebody's idea
of something evil all
rolled into one, you know?
- You got a point there, Joel.
Kind of brought together
the terrifying aspects
of Nazis and mimes!
- And Marsha Mason!
- Or Marilyn Quayle!
- Well listen, if you guys wanted to,
how would you make your
ultimate evil person?
Who would it be made up of?
- Let's see, I'd combine the wolf man
and mothra and the bad Lee
Marvin from Cat Ballou!
- Yeah, that's great.
I'd take Tom T Hall, add Roy Clark,
and a little Donna Fargo!
- Oh the possibilities!
Richard Nixon, Richard the
Third, and Keith Richards!
You know, but according to the fellowship
of the white boar, Richard the Third
was actually a fine man--
- I don't even think of
Keith Richards as that evil.
- Oh, but he's so scary!
- Richard Baseheart, Richard Baseheart,
and Richard Baseheart!
- But Gypsy, you like Richard Baseheart.
- Oh.
- How about Howie Mandel,
David Brenner and Gallagher?
- Or David Brenner, Andy
Rooney, David Brenner,
and a ferret?
- Ooh, that one stung.
- Personally, I hate Mondays.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
Anyway, I think we need
something kind of uplifting,
so I brought along these letters here.
This first one, let's put
that on still-store cambot.
This first one comes from an Eddie Hogan
of New Jersey.
He writes, "Hello, my name
is Eddie and I would like to"
"join your information
club as you can tell,"
"I'm not very good, I do
not have very good writing"
"and I'm already 13."
- Uh oh.
- It's over.
- Too bad.
- "I hate school, homework,
teachers, and cheesy movies,"
Good.
"I'm a big fan and I think
you're all funny, even Gypsy."
"I watch your show on
Saturdays, I would watch"
"them Monday through Friday
but they're on at 10 AM"
"and I'm at school falling asleep."
(slowly laughs)
- That's nice.
- Let's get another one, that one's not--
- That was really uplifting,
Joel, I gotta tell ya.
- This one seems happier,
let's put this one
one still-story.
Eddie, you might wanna get into breakfast.
Anyway, this one has Tom Servo saying,
"What are we, cowboys?"
"I'd like to shoot that intro."
And then Gypsy's there
saying, "Richard Basehart,"
"RAM chips, huh?"
- Yep, that's her.
- And then Crow's saying, "Shut
up, I can't take anymore,"
"get on with it already, geez!"
And then it's got me saying,
"Well it can also double,"
"as a can opener."
And then it's got the MADs saying,
"File this Frank," and
then Frank is saying,
"I will, I will file
this, I will file it."
- That's really a nice
rendition of Frank, too,
isn't it?
- Yeah, it is.
That's pretty good.
- Those people weren't
evil at all, were they?
- You know, I came up with another one.
Coffee, ice cream, paper
cuts and Dan Haggerty!
(yells)
- You're just getting
weird and that results
from creativity.
What do you think, sirs?
- Well, Martin Bober, I
think you're qualified
to be considering the nature of evil.
(chuckles)
Push the button, Frank.
- Hey, I like Tom T Hall.
- Oh Frank, think evil.
(sings)
♫ I love baby ducks ♫
- Oh Frank, you're just
embarrassing me now.
♫ Baby, kooky-kooky-kooky, baby, baby ♫
(somber music)
- Captain!
I got it fixed!
It's all working again!
♫ In the not-too-distant future,
♫ Next Sunday A.D.
♫ There was a guy named Joel,
♫ Not too different from you or me,
♫ He worked at Gizmonic Institute,
♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuit,
♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place,
♫ But his bosses didn't like him
♫ So they shot him into space,
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies,
♫ The worst we can find (la-la-la)
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all,
♫ And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la)
♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control
♫ Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)
♫ Because he used those special parts
♫ To make his robot friends
♫ Robot Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
♫ Cambot! (Pan left!)
♫ Gypsy! (Hi, girl!)
♫ Tom Servo! (What a cool guy!)
♫ Croooow! (He's a wisecracker.)
♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes
♫ and other science facts (la la la),
♫ Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show,
♫ I should really just relax
♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000!"
(doors close)
- Exactly what I mean.
- Okay, I'm up to speed so far,
you're point is that Big Bird
cannot be considered a puppet
because of his or her, it's size.
- Right, right.
And the size, and don't forget the feet.
Once a puppet has feet,
it ceases being a puppet
and starts being a costume.
- Ah, well what about Topo Gigio?
He was a puppet with feet.
- Oh, give me a break!
If you wanna get technical,
Lamb Chop had feet, too.
Topo Gigio was an Italian
black art rod puppet,
come on Crow, that's a subcategory.
- Oh, look who's arguing semantics now!
- Hi everybody, welcome
to the Satellite of Love,
I'm Joel Robinson.
Looks like we've stumbled upon
the robots' weekly oncological discussion
on the nature of puppets.
- And the symbiotic relationship to man!
- Right, and their symbiotic
relationship to man,
let's watch the fireworks.
- See?
- Alright, if you're so smart,
what would you call H.R. Pufnstuf?
- Well that's a costume,
remember the puppet paradigm?
Feet plus inarticulate
mouth means costume!
- What about Yoda?
- Well Yoda was a humanly articulated
floating armature creature
used in combination
with radio-contorted
cervals and (mumbles).
- What about puppet or costume, Tom?
Come on.
- Alright, you got me, I don't know!
- See?
I rest my case.
Okay, here's one for you.
- Okay.
- What would you call Senor Wences?
The ventriloquist who built his career
outta talking to his hand?
- I'd call that a cry for help.
- Interesting.
(upbeat tech music)
- Okay, if you two are ready,
let's begin, here's a quick pop quiz
on the many varied celebrity puppets
in show business past and present,
and I want you to define the genius
of each of these characters I list.
We'll begin with some characters
from television, Cambot keep score.
And watch the clock.
Ready?
Let's begin.
Rolf the dog.
Crow?
- Puppet?
(buzzer)
- Puppet, yeah.
Could you be more specific?
Tom Servo?
- Muppet.
- Right, exactly.
Okay, next.
Meow Meow Kitty.
Crow?
- Uh, puppet.
- What kind of puppet?
- Hand?
- Yes, and?
- Lame hand puppet.
- Yes, yes, very good.
Okay, next.
Kukla.
- Oh.
- Boy, this is tough.
- Kukla.
Kukla or Ollie, I'll take either one.
- Oh oh oh, I know.
- Crow?
- Hard shell head, soft cloth body.
Hand puppet with sock sleeve coverlet!
- Very good.
(bell dings)
I thought you were out of
the running for that one.
Now these next are going
to get a little bit harder.
Okay, let's continue.
Spitting Image.
- Oh, oh, wickedly funny
foam and latex puppets.
(dings)
- Okay, correct.
P.C. Follies.
- Uh, shameless Sid Marty Krofft rip-off.
(rings)
- Very good.
Ooh, the MADs are calling.
- Ooh.
- Hello, Button.
Let's slam straight away into
this week's invention exchange.
- Big noses!
- That's right, the super schnoz.
- El grande bos otros.
- What?
- Big noses!
- Oh, right, right.
Durante, eat your heart out.
Big honkers.
- Comin' at ya.
- In 3-D!
(sniffs)
Do I smell pie in the oven?
- Uh, not in this building.
Say, doctor, sports in tonight?
- Well, what's the point
of the big noses anyway?
- Well, they're just really big, you know?
Just think of the stuff
you can do with 'em.
Very useful.
Now I can brown nose myself.
- Wow, you and I are kind
of on the same wavelength.
I thought of my invention
exchange as being
this big head.
(singsong)
♫ Who's that guy with the big head? ♫
- Hey Joel, can you
help me with my algebra?
- Sure, no problem, it's a snap
with my new big head.
- Well say Joel, do
people make fun of you now
that you have a big head?
- Oh sure, people are naturally curious.
But then I explain to them that I've got
a really big head.
- There's no denying that.
- Joel, are you in any pain?
- No, just a really big head.
- Oh.
- [Doctor] So I guess
we can say that you got
a big head there, huh?
- Yeah, you can.
(whistles)
- Big as all outdoors.
- It's real big, sirs.
What do you think?
- I knew a man in Chicago once
that had a big hea--
Oh no, it was no way near that big.
- Well doctor, I don't
mean to stick my nose
into your business--
(laughs)
but shouldn't we really
be getting to the movie?
- Right you are, my long-nosed companion.
Joel, your experiment
this week is going to be
like biting down on a
double-edged razor blade.
- It's called Fugitive Alien Two
and it's every bit as stanky as part one.
- Send him the movie, Frank.
(buzzing)
(exclaims together)
(cell doors opening)
(singsong together)
♫ Is that the fella with the big head?
♫ Big head, big head, talking big ♫
(exclaims)
- Hey, this is Sandy Frank.
This is Sandy Frank on drugs.
Any questions?
(chuckles)
- Uh-oh.
Fugitive Alien II, Electric Boogaloo.
- By heretic.
- Nerds in paradise.
On the move.
Citizens on patrol.
- Star Force, times two.
Two times the action,
two times the confusion.
(exclaims)
(chuckles)
- I love this music.
- Please remain seated until the building
has come to a complete stop.
(trumpeting sounds)
- Nick Malixvi, he's the Scottish guy
in charge of copyright.
- Yeah, copyright, yup, that's right.
- Hey, this music is perky.
I'm feeling really good.
- Yeah.
Hey, this is gonna be fun, guys.
I'm feeling really--
Oh, who are we kidding?
This is a fugitive alien sequel,
we're in for the two most
painful hours of our lives.
(sobbing)
- Come on, you guys.
You gotta be strong,
try not to fall apart.
Come on, we've been to
too many Sandy Frank films
together to let 'em defeat us now.
- [Voiceover] A thousand light years away
from our solar system lies Valna Star.
- We know.
- [Voiceover] A mysterious planet
with an enriched atmosphere which imparts
superhuman strength--
- Seen it.
- Taped it. (sobbing)
- [Voiceover] To all who dwell upon it.
Valna Star is ruled by Lord Halkon,
an evil genius who has
created a race of warriors,
the Star Wolves.
- Neat.
- [Voiceover] On a mission
of destruction to Earth,
Star Wolf Ken is ordered to kill a child.
His refusal starts a fight which results
in the death of his best friend.
As punishment, Ken is set
adrift in outer space.
- And forced to watch this film.
- [Voiceover] But Ken is found and rescued
by the crew of the Earth
spaceship, Bacchus-3.
(growls)
And soon he become a member of Hagu.
Ken's girlfriend Rita
has been sent to find
and destroy him, but it is she
who is subsequently killed.
- In goofy scenes like this.
- You fired that shot.
It was you.
- Yeah, so?
(exhales)
- [Ken] Rita!
- Meter maid!
(triumphant music)
- Hey, hey!
(cheers)
- My chick's dead!
Hey!
- Woo!
- [Voiceover] Only one
memory of Rita remained.
Her golden Valna medallion.
- Which Ken hocked for
a pack of cigarettes.
- [Voiceover] Ken will never forget her.
- Or the VISA bill she ran up, huh?
- Oh it's over, then.
- Amen.
- Is it ay-men or ah-men?
- [Voiceover] Now Ken
and his Earth comrades
are off in quest of new adventure.
Their mission to fly to Saysar,
find a secret weapon and destroy it.
- And hopefully do a little shopping.
- Let's take a look at that wound, Ken.
Oh good, it's healing beautifully.
Okay?
I'm finished.
- I remember this.
(sings)
♫ I love Ken, he is my friend,
♫ I love Ken, he is my sweet friend ♫
- Well, I must say, you're
a real angel of mercy.
You never fuss like this when I get hurt,
you always tell me, "Bear it like a man."
- Oh come on Dan, your
problem is you're jealous.
(laughs)
- Quit teasing.
- Okay.
- Terrific.
- Dan, just keep your eye on the course.
I don't trust (mumbles)
There's something peculiar about him.
- Mmm hmm!
That's good blow, mmm hmm!
- [Voiceover] I've heard
you're one of Saysar's
top experts in advanced
defense technology.
- You heard right.
- [Voiceover] Then you
probably know all about
that secret weapon Saysar
is said to have imported
from another planet.
- Pretty much.
- Are there any truth to those rumors?
Colonel?
- They say it could blow up the universe.
- Or worse!
- Where did you hear that?
(chuckles)
- You know, occasionally I tune into
the intergalactic grapevine.
(chuckles)
- Joe, shut up.
I take it you're trying
to enlist my cooperation
for a mission you're about to undertake.
(groans)
Before I say yes or no, I'll need to know
a bit more about your intentions.
- I'll love you all the days of my life.
- I don't know what ever gave you the idea
we're planning a mission,
we're just out for a ride.
A little excursion to discover more facts
about our universe.
(laughs)
- You don't say?
And how do I know I can trust you?
This Ken fellow seems
mighty suspicious to me.
- Ken's just a bit of a loner.
If you want I'll call him in
and you can talk to him yourself.
- Ken's a loaner?
How long before your Ken is fixed?
- Ken? Tammy?
I wanna see you.
- Oh great.
He found out about the keg!
(dramatic sound)
- Plot point, right there.
- Hmm?
- This is a girl officer's insignia.
How did you get it?
- A lotta hard work and
a lotta pancake makeup.
- When you were sleeping,
I heard you call out
a girl's name out loud.
- But when I put your hand in warm water--
- Rita, I think.
I believe that was it.
Does the name Rita mean anything to you?
- Uh, it's a Beatles song.
- Ken!
- [Voiceover] This is
our present position.
Pegasus R-2, bias four, right here.
- Here's the Spencer gifts.
- Distance to Saysar is a roller time.
- A rolla-huh?
- A Roladex.
- Two one, three, sir.
- Course three seven is perfectly safe.
It's when we switch to course T
that we're likely to run into trouble.
There's a huge black
hole near R-5 by nine.
I don't know any way we
can navigate around it.
- A vicious dog leg to the left.
- Black hole, huh?
It swallows up anything
that comes near it.
(scratching sound)
I don't think we can risk it.
(dramatic music)
- Artwork and other
paintings by Judy Chicago,
now back to our movie.
- This puts a new light on
the conditions of our mission.
- A black light.
- Our odds against success
are extremely high.
- Well then, I'm extremely high.
- On the other hand, if you gotta go,
I can't think of a better way.
- That's not funny, sir.
- I'll say it isn't.
I don't wanna vanish in thin air.
When my time comes, I
wanna go out in glory.
- I wanna be torn apart by animals!
- Spoken like a true woman.
And a naive one.
- Naive yourself!
- Me so silly.
(laughs)
- Captain Joe, you don't
necessarily have to
get swallowed up in a black hole.
- But it helps.
- If you chart your course carefully.
You can go through a tunnel out
to a white hole and safety.
It's a tricky maneuver.
- Where did you hear that?
- Where did I hear it?
I'm afraid I don't remember.
I guess it was at one of
those scientific briefings
I attended.
- Yeah, at my aunt's house or something.
- Yeah.
- Ken, wait!
You're walking down someone's throat!
(chuckles)
- Wait a second, I didn't
tell you the punchline.
- Slip of the tongue and you
gave your whole game away,
didn't you?
- I don't understand.
- Do you find me pleasing?
- I know for a fact that only a handful
of Wolf attackers have
ever made it through
a black hole and still
lived to tell the tale.
I only have to put two and
two together to realize
you're a Star Wolf.
(grunting)
- Who are you to judge?
- Don't be a fool Ken, I'm the only friend
you've got here!
(grunts)
(coughs)
- What's up?
What's going on?
- It's all my fault.
- He was just showing
him where his larynx was.
- I foolishly made a sarcastic
remark about earthlings.
Ken was right to act as he did.
Ill-chosen words have
been known to start wars.
- Yeah, like the sarcasm wars of 1999.
(chuckles)
What a dipstick.
- I don't like that guy.
And I don't like you, either.
- The feeling is mutual, Rocky.
- Oh Rocky, who do you like?
- [Man] Captain!
Come up here, quick!
- Surprise!
Happy Birthday to you!
- Look at that, sir.
What do you make of it?
- Ah, it's one of those nut clusters!
- Looks like a meteorite.
Quite a big one.
- Yeah, just one thing's wrong,
I don't see it on any chart.
- Well the time they get it on the chart
it'll probably have broken up.
- Like most rock bands.
- Oh that's a good one.
(laughs)
- Do I speak the truth?
- You bet.
- Amen.
- Looks like we're getting
into hostile territory.
We have to be on our guard.
Rocky, take the controls.
- Again?
- Kelly, back to your station.
- Yes sir.
- Rocky, you hate Ken.
Ken, you make goofy faces.
- Tammy, you love Rocky.
Or Ken.
- Colonel, you're ruling.
- That's your seat there.
- But Captain--
- He said, sit down.
- But he didn't say Simon Says!
- He said, "Captain says."
- Oh wait a minute.
Which is moving, the stars or the ship?
- Mmm, stars?
- Pink Floyd on the headphones,
set the controls for Heart of the Sun.
- It's broccoli!
I hate broccoli.
- You know, he's got
Kristy McNichol cheeks.
- I don't like this at all.
Ken!
- Yes sir?
- Destroy the meteorite
with the folic laser.
- Okay, yes sir.
(shoots)
(sings together)
♫ Love, love, love ♫
(techy music)
- Captain Joe, we're still alive.
That's the only thing that counts.
- No it isn't.
- No, cleanliness is the
only thing that counts.
- I wouldn't feel safe while he's alive.
- Kill him!
- [Voiceover] What do
you think you're doing?
- We've got a mission to accomplish.
I'm just gonna remove an obstacle.
- Your eyebrow.
- Ken, stop him!
If he kills me, you're next!
- Easy, Rocky.
This isn't the right moment.
- Outta my way.
- Rocky, hold your fire.
- Again?
- I'm sorry to say, we still need him.
- Need him for what?
- We rescued him to guide us
to Saysar, and he'll do it.
Lock him up.
- Rocko!
- Whatever you say.
I just hope you know what you're doing.
- I just wanna say your makeup sucks.
(suspenseful music)
- As long as this guy
is traveling with us,
our mission is threatened.
- We'll never make it to Woodstock!
- Huh? Huh? Huh?
Huh? Who? Wha--?
(continuous uttering)
(growls)
- Well here you are, this
isn't the royal suite,
but it'll just have to do.
- You want room service, dial nine.
There's a mint on the pillow.
- I need some towels!
- Listen to me!
You wanna make it to Saysar in one piece,
you need me to guide you.
Any minute now we'll be
going by Demetor Star.
It'll set us on fire!
Let me out!
Let me out!
- I'm gonna hold my
breath until I turn blue!
Oh, I'm already.
Oh, I did it again.
I'm already blue!
- Zinged yourself, there.
(hums)
(exclaims, groans)
- Diarrhea is like a
storm raging inside you.
- I'm coming, Elizabeth!
- He's hallucinating split ends.
- Oh, who am I trying to kid?
I'm not sick.
(whooshing sounds)
- Ooh, hmm, that's good emil, oh ho!
- What's the cabin temperature?
- It's hotter than my
great aunt's apartment.
- 26--
- Ten-perature?
(laughs)
- That seems a bit high.
- Sunny side?
Of the street?
- It's even hotter outside.
(grunts)
- That calls for a drink.
- Yeah.
- I'll go check it out.
- Ken, wait a minute.
Look at that star.
- You look at it.
I'm bitter.
- I don't get it.
That star, why that's Demetor Star.
- Oh, it should be bigger than a meter.
- How did we get here?
It isn't on our course.
Look at this.
We're just drifting, sir!
- Mmm.
Saysar isn't even anywhere near here!
- We'll have to correct our course.
Switch over to 7-3-0.
- What is that?
Is that traffic information?
(chuckles)
- It won't move!
There's something wrong!
- Yeah, it's this movie.
It sucks!
- We must be caught in
Demetor's magnetic field!
All the controls are blocked!
(grunts)
- Man, if it's not one thing, it's anoth--
Honey?
I'm gonna be very late.
- I gotta see you right away.
It's an emergency.
- Again?
(groans)
- He shouldn't spend too much time away
from the bathroom.
(groans)
- Ooh!
(groans)
- Could you armor-all my suit?
- Rocky? Rocky!
- Again?
(chuckles)
(beeping)
- Captain!
- I scored another game!
- We're back to normal!
- All engines at full thrust.
- Engines, full thrust!
(engines start)
- That's full thrust?
(groans)
Lame!
- Good luck, huh?
Looks like an aerosol can.
- I don't feel right about this at all.
- You and me both, pal.
You and me both.
- This is suspicious.
We'd better get out of here.
Or be roasted alive.
(whooshing sound)
(grunts)
- Oh Rocky, no.
I'm a paper boy.
Come on!
- It was the salmon mousse.
- Rocky, what's wrong?
- Oh, Rocky cubed it.
(grunts)
- Pants, too tight!
I'm--
turning Japanese!
- I've got this pain in my back.
- I don't really think so.
(groans)
- Rocky?
- I'm feeling dizzy!
- Ken, take over.
- Yes, sir.
- Captain!
- Ew!
(gasps)
She's looked better, hasn't she?
- Tammy!
It's all right.
- Kevin, help me!
(pants)
- Oh come on you kids,
you're just overtired,
your fighting sleep!
Now I want you to go to bed, come on!
(coughs)
- Those are just the after-effects
of the ultra high speed
we needed to get through the black hole.
You'll just have to sleep it off.
I'll get you some medication.
- For me too, sir.
- All right.
- For me too, sir.
- It'll relieve the pain, take it.
- Sir?
- Yeah?
- Are you sure you'll be alright?
You went through the black hole, too.
- I'll be okay.
- I'll be fine, I got my
friend Jack to help me.
(chuckles)
- What is he, in a automat?
- Looks like it.
- I could check it out.
- Oh.
- Chicken salad.
Grab me a chicken salad.
- What's the matter?
Can't anyone hear me?
- Sure.
- It's so hot, where's
all this heat coming from?
- No you see, it's not the heat,
it's the humidity.
You see, the comfort index--
- Listen to me!
I've got something important to tell you!
- I'm the unsinkable Molly Brown!
- Think they could make bigger doors.
(chuckles)
- Well sir?
How are they doing?
- Okay, I gave him
something to calm them down.
They're just going to
have to sleep it off.
- I do that a lot.
(groans)
- It's still awfully hot in here.
- Yeah, turn up the AC.
- Captain, we really ought to move away
as quickly as we can.
I think we ought to boost the engines.
(muttering)
(exploding and whooshing sounds)
(beeps)
- Curly fries are up, sir!
(dramatic music)
- Oh, at least they spelled "speed" right.
(chuckles)
- Engine trouble?
- I told you to check the oil,
didn't we fill it up in Eau Claire?
- Okay, I'll take her up.
- Those daring young men
and their junkie jalopies!
- What is with you, sir?
Did you eat those radishes again?
- Captain!
What's the matter?
- Dan! Wake up!
- Wake up, you're late for crab school!
- Rocky. Rocky!
- Again?
- You gotta wake up!
You gotta wake up!
Rocky!
- Ah geez, he's been
reading Bukowski again.
- Let me out of here!
Let me out of here!
- Oh, phooey!
(vocalizes)
- We have no time for you, now.
- You just stay in here
and stop all that yelling.
- Yeah, you'll just have to hold it.
- Haven't you noticed this heat?
What's causing it?
I want to know exactly where we are.
- Enough of your questions!
Be quiet.
I'll just have to get back to you later.
- Bye!
- Listen to me!
Pay attention.
We mustn't get near the Demetor Star!
- Why not?
This heat's coming from the engines.
- You little fool!
- You little minx!
- Don't you realize that the Demetor Star
is about to explode?
- What's that?
- Really?
They never said anything about--
- Ooh, looks like Captain
Joe is drunk again.
For those of you playing along at home,
in Fugitive Alien I, Captain Joe
is portrayed as quite the drinkin' man.
(chuckles)
Now this.
- Kind of feel like him, also.
(groans)
- I'll be okay.
- I'm fine.
(coughs)
- Something I ate, I think.
(dramatic music)
- Captain!
- Focus!
- Help me get him off the floor!
(pants)
- Would you help me wipe my brow?
- You don't look very good, you know?
- My left eye is a little
numb, I don't know--
- Must've been--
(exhales)
- I'm fine, so.
(coughs)
- High speed.
- What's going on here?
- Yurulin.
Who let you out?
- Captain, listen to me!
You don't realize what's going on.
This sort of heat is only generated
by a star that's about to die,
and that's what's happening to Demetor
and we've got to get out of here!
- Oh, okay.
- What's that?
That it'll explode?
Listen, Ken.
Colonel Yurulin is the
only one who knows his way
around here, and we're gonna
have to enlist his help.
(grunts)
- Okay, sir.
- Captain!
First we must find out what's
wrong with the engines.
- I'm woozy, guys.
I'm feeling really bad.
- Let's go!
- I feel like I'm just
shaking off (mumbles) drunk--
(crash)
(exclaims)
- It's all over the seat!
- Gotta get him outta here!
Come on, Crow!
(doors shut)
Tom Servo!
Oh my god!
Tom Servo's dead!
He's dying!
It must've been that movie!
Oh man, we're losing him!
- A robot watches a bad film.
It renders him unconscious.
Next on Emergency 911.
- Crow!
You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me!
It means the life of
our friend, Tom Servo!
(wails)
- But I must finish TekWars of Inusia,
must direct Star Trek Nine,
The Search for Spock's Intelligence,
Hooker's a good cop.
Oh! He's a good--
Oh!
- Crow, you listen to
me and you listen good,
I need you to snap out of Shatner,
I need you hear now, our friend's
life hangs in the balance!
(sobs)
- I'm sorry, I don't even--
(sobs)
- I know man, I know.
But we gotta get our little buddy
out of the bone orchard, okay?
Listen, I need you to run along
and get the defibrillator
and I'm gonna try
to get our brother Tommy
out of the Badlands.
- [Crow] Alright, alright.
- Come on, man.
Come on back, we're all
pulling for you, buddy.
(sobs)
- [Crow] Hey Joel, is the
defibrillator the thing
that looks like a vacuum cleaner
or a thing that looks
like a battery charger?
- It's the thing that looks like
a battery charger, now would
you get it together man
and get out here?
I mean it's Tom Servo's life!
Hang on, buddy!
(grunts)
Okay, hold on buddy, it's coming!
Come on Tom!
Come on back, buddy!
Clear!
(buzzing sound)
Nothing!
Clear!
(buzzing)
He's coming back!
He's coming back!
- Come on, Tommy!
(coughs)
(grunts)
- Oh, oh, oh!
So I'm dancing up to the plate now,
and, beautiful day here at Wrigley Field,
boy, let me tell ya, perfect
for a nice cold Budweiser.
You know, Lincoln carpeting--
(coughs)
Joel, Crow.
What the heck happened to me?
- It's okay buddy, you're
among the living now.
(sighs)
- That was weird.
I was walking down a long hallway,
and at the end of it was a bright light.
And a kind man with a
beard reaching his hand
out to me, beckoning me.
And he looked at me so I got closer,
and he said, "Hey buddy,
can you spare some change?"
"I wanna cup of coffee!"
(laughs)
- Everything's a joke to you.
That's great.
We got commercials.
- We should have let you die.
- Ah, life.
(techy music)
You guys just have no sense of humor.
Spoil sports.
(muttering)
- You have to check the Z system.
Over here.
- Alright.
- Say!
Oh.
- Peeky-boo!
- Okay, let's see here.
There it is, apartment 3B.
(beeping)
- What is this, The Super?
(dramatic music)
- Cheap Japanese crap!
Look at that!
- For crying out loud.
- You know you wanna turn the power off
before you work with something like that.
- But he's in a rubber suit--
(ringing sounds)
- What?
(groans)
- Captain Joe?
Ken here.
- Ken.
I can't hold out much longer.
Hurry up.
(groans)
- Woah, Linda Blair all of a sudden.
- Are you alright?
Captain?
- Trying to kill me with a forklift.
Ah, cheap Japanese crap. (mutters)
What?
- Yurulin here.
What is it?
- Colonel Yurulin.
I'm worried about the Captain.
Please check on him.
- Alright.
Right away.
- I'm doing it, geez.
(exhales)
(pants)
- You know apparently,
it's one of those things
where if the tail light
goes out the whole thing
shuts down?
- Pretty much.
- Oh, genie wants to
get outta there, look.
(chuckles)
Drink me, drink me.
Come on and drink me.
- Dr. Joe, is anything the matter?
- Oh, I'm fine, just
reflecting on the Upanishads,
young man--
- What's wrong, Captain?
Captain!
(groans)
I'd better take over the controls,
you sit back there.
- Yeah, you sleep, I'll
drive to Cleveland.
- If it's not one thing it's
another in this crazy ship.
For crying out loud.
(eerie music)
- Hey, turn off your brights.
Dim it, dim the high beam!
The high beams!
- Ken, we're getting closer.
Get that engine fixed right away!
- [Voiceover] Now it's up to Ken.
The fate of the entire
crew is in his hands.
He will have to locate the short circuit.
(vocalizes)
Somewhere in the system
before the spacecraft
gets closer to the exploding star.
Otherwise, all is lost.
- I knew vo-tech would pay off,
I'm a graduate of DeVry!
(pants)
(beeping)
- Alright, we can get free HBO now.
(cheers)
- Colonel, I fixed it.
Start the engines, let's get going.
- All right.
- That was Ken.
He's working late, he'll
be out for a while.
We might was well go ahead and eat.
- This is a really important
part of the film here.
- Now, where are my keys?
I left--
(groans)
- It isn't working.
I can't make it start.
That wasn't it.
You'd better check it again.
- [Ken] But Colonel!
- Don't argue!
- Pump it a few times!
- I don't understand.
It's gotta work.
- Doggone it.
(whistles)
(sings)
♫ Oh Sally Frank, oh Sally Frank,
♫ Eats a lot of poisoned corn ♫
(chuckles)
- Just wrapped a gum
wrapper around a fuse.
- Colonel, try it again.
I'm sure it will work now.
Are you there?
Colonel!
- Now hang up on your end.
Hang up!
I'm hanging up.
(intrepid music)
- I love this song.
- What a way to die, listening
to the Tijuana Brass.
(chuckles)
(sings)
♫ This is the song about
the Bacchus Three crew,
♫ They're gonna die from all the heat,
♫ he tried to kill them with a forklift,
♫ Away! ♫
(groans)
- That looks like a real
uncomfortable Halloween costume.
(pants)
- I got to keep going!
- Got to get it with girl in hot pants--
(groans)
- I know what it is, they're
flying through Developer Four.
(zap)
- Oh man, no more Jello shots, I mean it.
This is it.
Now, I quit today.
(zapping)
- There's a drum major
flying the ship now.
- Captain!
We've got the engines working.
Now if we can just get
away from that star!
- Let me have my coffee first, okay?
I'm not good without it.
(sings along with background music)
♫ This is the song, about
the crew's condition ♫
- Just a few seconds, and we'll be safe.
♫ They'll all be alive,
they're gonna puke,
♫ He tried to kill me with a forklift ♫
- What's going on?
(vocalizing)
- This is going to be great,
speakers on the porch,
oh well.
- That ought to keep the
cooling system going.
Just one more connection.
(beeps)
Okay, good!
- Looks good, tastes good, is good!
- Good for me.
- Colonel, I got the cooling system fixed.
Can you get her on course?
- It's no use, we're too late now.
- It's very hot.
- We've gotta go on!
Try again!
- I can't make it.
- It didn't--
- What?
- Colonel!
Can you hear me?
Colonel?
(gasps)
- It's very hot!
Hot in here.
Hey.
(muttering)
(grunts)
- Oh no, we're getting
closer to that star!
Looks like I'd better take over!
(grunts)
- Fine, but towel off first or something.
(grunts)
Not a kid anymore.
- They're having the film
steam cleaned right now.
- Well, they need it.
(grunts)
- Captain!
I got it fixed, it's all working again!
- Great, just in time to see us die.
- I got it working, get going!
- Oh wait, who's turn is it to pass out?
- I think the audience is
ready to pass out about now.
(yells)
(clicking)
- What is he, starting
the Wild Mouse Ride?
(blasting)
- Ignition!
- Yes.
- We're gonna make it!
- Colonel?
Faster, full thrust.
- You want to go faster?
(clicking)
- Full thrust?
No, no.
Not you, the engines!
(chuckles)
(blasting)
- Kid power!
Red, yellow, black, white!
- We did it!
We're going!
- We did it!
We killed 20 minutes of movie!
(cheers)
- I'll take the controls.
- I guess you don't need
ol' Captain Joe anymore.
- Graduates, 'til you begin the journey
of the rest of your life, we
may never pass this way again,
and--
(groans)
- I'm missing graduation.
The music started, oh no!
(sniffs)
- Oh, it looks like the
ten-perature is coming down.
(snickers)
- See?
I'm not even stinky.
(chuckles)
- Thank you.
- Ken?
- Get outta my seat!
- You know, you both did a terrific job.
I won't forget it.
- This old creep pulled
us through one more time.
- You're cute, both of you.
- Thanks again, Bacchus Three.
Bacchus!
- Good job.
- Now you've done it again.
(laughs)
(altogether)
- Mighty Jack.
Yeah.
- Mighty Jack?
- I'm quite a guy, really.
You know?
- So?
- Hey Dan?
Come on, we're goin' fishin'!
You promised.
- How you doing?
- Still a little groggy.
- Is everybody alright?
- Not too bad.
- I feel great.
Ready for a workout.
- Yeah, you got spunk.
I hate spunk.
- What is it?
- [Man On Phone] This is
your morning call, sir.
We'll be expecting you all downstairs
in an hour for some tennis.
- Is this the morning ZOO guys?
(laughs)
- Yeah, I'll go string my racket.
Say, what happened to room service?
- [Man On Phone] Sorry, sir.
I'm afraid our guests have
to cook their own breakfasts.
- Enough of the good-natured ribbing, bye!
- You bet.
- I love it.
(upbeat techy music)
- Please hold your present
position for the moment,
we will be giving you your
landing instructions shortly.
- Shortly?
What's the delay?
- They might have to clear
a landing space for us,
that's all.
Message received, we're
holding our position,
waiting to hear from you.
- All our best to Joan and the kids.
(blasting stops)
- So, looks like I'll park there, then.
Park on the street.
- I think I could speed things
up if I had a word with them.
- Oh, Mr. Connections.
Oh, Mr. Sarcasm.
- Colonel Yurulin calling
Saysar headquarters.
- [Man On Phone] Yurulin?
- Yep, we're number one!
- Your space command was
nice enough to rescue me
from a Carraru Prison.
I can vouch for every one of the crew.
We'd like to land on Saysar right away.
- Bite me?
Is that official?
(dark music)
- Say, what's the matter down there?
I'm used to having my official request
dealt with immediately!
- Oh, do you?
- Did you hear that?
- [Man On Phone] We
read you loud and clear.
- We just don't like you.
- [Man On Phone] We
have no Colonel Yurulin
listed on our officers roster.
- Don't talk nonsense!
Check that roster again!
I've been a senior officer
in the Saysar command
for the last 20 years!
- Captain, I think there's
some sort of mistake!
- Starting with the script.
- Colonel Yurulin, it sounds
like you're pretending
to be someone you aren't!
- Nobody asked you.
This insubordination is unheard of!
- Three weeks' detention for Ken!
- Well you did reveal a
few vital military secrets
to the Karans, didn't you?
- Wait a second.
You're saying I gave
away vital information?
- Yeah.
- How did you find out about that?
(gulping sounds)
- I got drunk.
(exhales)
- Anyway, now it seems we're all involved
in this situation together.
- Yep.
- This is no trade mission.
You're after that secret
weapon, aren't you?
- Colonel Yurulin.
- Your mouthwash just ain't making it.
- If we are after it, then I think you're
the least likely individual
to lead us to it.
They don't even know you down there.
- It's ridiculous.
Bunch of idiots!
- Ship of fools!
(dramatic music)
- What the heck is going on?
(engines sounding)
- Oh no, no.
(dramatic music)
It's starting over.
(yells)
- Oh boy.
- I'm gonna bust it again, when it's over.
- Is she really going out with him?
- That was just a warning.
Ken, keep your cool.
- You're wrong.
Those guys aren't kidding.
- I can't believe it.
- My own people would
never dare shoot at me!
- [Captain] Looks like they have.
Engines, full blast.
(blasting)
- I love the whole incoherent
Mighty Jack quality
of this film.
(shudders)
- Will you repeat that, please?
- It's kind of a (mumbles).
- I wet 'em.
- This week, join Jonny,
Hadji, Race Bannon and Bandit.
(barks)
Jonny Quest.
- We're surrounded.
They'll attack again any minute.
- Don't let insects
spoil your garden party.
- Captain!
- Pia Zadora?
No!
- Oh, no.
They're being attacked by Norelco razors!
- Even the name says, "Merry Christmas!"
(lasers shooting)
- Oh!
I'm gonna get them!
- It's too dark to go out on your bike.
Come back here.
- Don't fire back, try to make contact.
Tell them it's a mistake!
- What are you, Captain
Kirk all of a sudden?
- Say, this is for real.
Get ready to counter-attack!
- Yes, sir!
- Magic booze bottle, take me away!
- Ole!
(laser fires)
- Breaked at it!
- Oh, is killing fun, Ken?
Does it amuse you?
(sings along with music)
♫ Let's all watch Ken,
♫ As he kills the bad guys,
♫ They'll taste their steel,
♫ Then drink their own blood,
♫ They'll try to kill
him with a forklift ♫
I'm making this up as I go along.
- Faster, PussyKen, kill, kill!
- Alright, go.
- Like you've never go-ed before.
- I'll show 'em.
- I'll run away, then they'll
be sorry they picked on me.
(sobs)
(lasers shooting)
- Why is Ken behaving like this?
- Because it's bitter and it's his heart.
- Bang, bang.
Killing is fun.
(booms)
- Oh, and he picks up a spare!
- Yeah, so let's review the plot so far.
They went into outer space and, let's see.
(stammers)
They went into space, and
it's on the tip of my tongue.
- Oh, I know, I know.
They suffocated for awhile, and--
- And then came lots of explosions, and--
- Yeah, and
(explosion sounds)
- I think that's it.
- I really enjoyed that.
- You're sick, buddy.
- Now that they know where we are,
they're gonna send out the next wave.
- You know the old
saying, "eye for an eye."
(chuckles)
- Breakfasts and dentists.
(laughs)
- Here they come again!
- Ooh, catch 'em if you can!
- There's no way out of this, sir.
Sooner or later one of
them is gonna score a hit.
- Off the bong.
Woo!
- Can you guide us to a safe place
to make an emergency landing?
- Uh, my uncle's got a
planet, let's crash there.
- If you wanna stay alive,
you're gonna have to help us.
Where can we land?
- Well, I do know of a place.
- Alright.
Tell us where it is.
- Everyone calls it the Devil's Desert.
- Sounds pretty neat.
- If you're really
willing to take the risk,
I'll be glad to guide you.
- Okay, let's go.
- We're going to Vegas, everybody!
Woo!
- Looks like the big blue marble.
- Sure does.
- Okay let's see here,
there's Satan's triangle,
Lucifer's elbow, oh,
there's Devil's Desert.
- Flying over a teenage
skin eruption, sir.
- Eew.
(laughs)
- Huh?
- We're landing there?
- You gotta problem with that?
(humming)
- Nice effect, Bill.
- Hold on tight.
This is gonna be a rough one.
- We better learn to get along.
- Careful! Careful!
These sands are treacherous!
- They're headed straight for the dock!
(grunts)
(rumbling)
- You know this film
looks like it's scraping
the bottom.
- Well, should I let her down?
- Ah, note to myself.
Put landing gear on this baby.
(whispers)
- Arrakis, Dune.
Desert planets.
- Damn, just washed this thing.
- Looks like one of my
ski club overnights.
- Ooh!
- A planet that evolved from carob?
I don't think so.
- In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby!
(groans)
- Tammy!
Tammy!
- Tell me true!
- A girl, a grim old warrior
is supposed to be brave!
- Ken?
- Are you alright?
- Yes.
- Get up.
Sir!
- Foo-ball practice!
- What, what?
Who turned off the TV set?
- Bloody Marys all around!
(grunts)
- Come on, pull yourself together.
- You're telling him to
pull yourself together?
Ken, better check the others.
- Okay.
- Oh yeah, aye-aye, Captain.
- Dan?
Snap out of it!
Billy!
- Don't be a hero!
- Colonel Yurulin!
(groans)
- Drive through clowns!
I want a sunrise biscuit!
Come on in there!
- Would you look at that?
So hot in here it feels like a steam bath.
- And me without a towel.
- Rocky, better get
the area on the screen.
- Okay.
- Oh wow, they gotta
watch their own reruns?
What a nightmare!
- I wonder how much damage we've done.
- I don't know.
I want every inch of
this craft checked out.
- Yes sir!
- Every inch.
- Even the inch under your seat?
- Every inch, get to it.
- Even the dirtiest inch in the kitchen?
- Every single inch.
- Even that inch--
- At least we're on the ground again.
Alright, I'd better go help the others.
(upbeat techy music)
- [Tom Servo] New, from
the Star Force line
of action figures, it's Captain Joe!
The boozy, brawling, bloated,
Bacchus Three commander
from the beloved Fugitive Aliens series!
- Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately!
- Yes, he swaggers, he
staggers, and he even talks!
- Um, if I would do a
lot worse than throw with
a lot of Bacchus Three,
set 'em up, barkeep.
- Flask and travel bar not included.
(crash)
- Yes, with your Captain
Joe action figure,
you'll be in a constant
state of excitement
while he's in a state of denial.
- I only drink on the weekend.
I can drink--
- Existential void where prohibited.
- Sure, he's got a problem but you don't
have to watch him deteriorate,
after all, you've spent
nine ninety-five for him!
- Tax and license not included.
- You can have hours
of fun as you organize
a crisis intervention for Captain Joe!
- Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here
and watch you deteriorate.
(Joel speaking in woman's voice)
Captain Joe, Ken and
I had you over to eat.
You got drunk on cooking
sherry and made a pass at me
and threw up all over
the Malibu Dream House.
Captain Joe, dude, I loved you.
But I'm not gonna sit here and watch you
cowabungle your life.
(crash)
- And don't forget kids,
if Captain Joe refuses
to deal with the issues,
you can always try to
kill him with a forklift.
- 12 step workbook optional.
Product not included in some boxes.
Joe Namath netted slingshot
brief sold separately.
(buzzing)
(yells)
(doors open)
- Well, let's go.
- Hey, where are you going, Rocky?
- I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
- You and Tammy are staying here.
- What for?
- As soon as we've left,
I want you to bring back
us three to a safer place.
- Sir, do you think you're
doing the right thing?
- What do you mean?
- I was told, when the
mission is dangerous,
(clicking)
it's the older men who are
the ones to stay behind.
- Rocky, that's an order!
- Impressive eye contact.
- Sir, that's crazy.
You can't go on a forced
march through this desert
at your age, let me go!
- I'll command my own mission.
You--
- Pull my finger.
- Do as you're told.
I never shirk my responsibilities.
- Not even when my hip cracks.
(dramatic music)
- Rocky!
- Have you gone out of your mind?
- This is one order I can't obey.
- Disobey it over my dead body.
- Okay.
- [Tammy] Rocky, don't!
- Shoot me if you got the guts.
My orders still stand!
- Squeeze.
(gunshot)
(gasps)
(groans)
- Captain!
- Oh Captain, my Captain!
- Bitch, I'll kill ya for that!
- Don't get excited.
I wouldn't shoot my chief
with live ammunition.
It's a knockout dart.
- Of course it pierced his colon!
- It will just put him out of
commission for an hour or so.
Help me to get him someplace comfortable.
Ken, grab his legs.
Now men, we've got a
mission to accomplish.
- This is gonna be the first
time he's passed out cold
and gonna wake up sober.
(chuckles)
- Peek a boo!
- It's Abbott and Costello
in "Turning Japanese."
(vocalizing)
- All right, let's go.
(dramatic music)
- And man was born of woman,
and they both inhabited the earth.
- Tammy, I want you to contact us
as soon as you move Bacchus
Three to a safer place.
Call us on our micro radios.
- Right.
- We'll try to maintain
contact from our end.
And don't forget.
Keep us in radar range.
- You can count on it.
(coughs)
- Oh, and you better lock
up the liquor cabinet
and hide the key.
You know what I mean?
(singing along with music)
♫ We're headed for adventure,
♫ We'll leave Tammy behind,
♫ We're gonna pad up the film some more,
♫ And you'll fall asleep, three, four,
♫ We're climbing the sandy hill,
♫ Like you really care ♫
- Faster!
- Yes, sir!
- There's spiders all over me!
Get 'em off me!
Get 'em off me!
(sobs)
(groans)
- You know, it's the funniest sensation,
the room's not spinning.
Hmm.
- I'll kill that Rocky.
- Again?
(chuckles)
- I took the liberty of
changing your jumpsuit, sir.
- Captain!
- Are they in radar range?
- Yes sir.
They're right here on the screen.
22 degrees east north east.
(beeping)
- I'm not in right now, but if you'd like
to leave a message with my shoulder--
- Rocky.
- Again?
- Rocky!
- I read you loud and clear.
- Stop it.
- We're advancing on our objective.
- That was a dirty trick you played on me.
(clears throat)
- Why don't you court
marshal me over a cold beer
when this mission is over?
- And a shot?
- Alright.
I want you guys to be careful.
It's a very tricky operation.
- Yes sir.
And you get a good rest.
One of these days you'll
thank me for what I did.
- Shoulder phone off.
- Rocky.
- Again?
- Sorry.
(beeping)
- Pong?
Hmm.
- That Rocky.
- Again?
- I'll bust him when this is over.
(giggles)
- Sorry, I was thinking
of something else, sir.
(singing to music)
♫ We are marching on a big sand hill,
♫ We realize you've had your fill,
♫ As we march up on this big sand hill. ♫
- Just stop.
- Hey, corn.
Hey, corn!
- Get down!
- There's a watch tower.
- Oh, but I kid (mumbles)
ladies and gentlemen!
Love them.
- Hey, check it out,
they're fighting ZZ Top!
(dramatic music)
- Hey, hey.
Oh hi, Evan.
- I think they swiped this
music from Mission: Impossible.
- Get in as close as you can.
I'll try to divert the guards.
- And watch out for the percussionist.
They might have tambourines.
- Let go of my leg.
- What's the matter?
Don't you trust me?
- What guarantee do we have
that you won't double-cross us?
- Oh, I'll leave you my keys.
- Look, if you attack that post head-on,
those machine guns will
mow you down in a matter
of seconds.
- Hey, Moe!
- You know the way I feel.
I've got a score to
settle with this country.
- And a song in his heart.
- No question where my loyalties lie.
- He's true to his school.
- Okay, I'll still keep you covered.
- Shhh!
Now!
(dramatic music)
Walk the way I walk!
I'll hunker down like that.
- Plan B, Nurse Cunningham!
(speaking in German)
- Hey, it's high definition TV.
- Count Douche?
- Hey, you got a little toilet
paper in your shoe, there.
(scoffs)
He's coming out of the loo.
- Hi, keeper.
Now, on with it.
(mutters)
- He did sell us out.
- Uh sir, it's the Peter Frampton alarm.
It only goes off in the '70s.
(blows raspberries)
- A rat always returns to it's hole.
(dramatic music and siren)
- This is Operation: Desert Bore.
(chuckles)
- Sounds like the teacher
from the Peanuts TV specials.
- He's going to shoot us himself!
- Well, I'm flattered!
- Down!
(yells)
(gunshots)
- Oh no!
(gunshots)
(screams)
- Cross of Iron, in color.
George! Paul!
John!
Pete Best!
- You like my fort made
out of refrigerator boxes?
- Come on out!
- Now it looks like Lawrence of Arabia
except for the pink pleather suits.
(chuckles)
- Come on, girls!
(laughs)
- We're filled with mirth!
Mirth Cunningham!
(laughs)
- Where have all the dead guys gone?
Oh.
- Looks like I had you
worried for a while.
- You think anything's wrong?
- It seems alright so far, sir.
- Good.
- Hey that Westinghouse
symbol kind of got wrecked
in the crash.
(chuckles)
- Tammy?
- [Tammy] Yes sir?
- We've gotta get this ship outta here,
before the next sand storm.
That clear?
- Yes sir.
- Okay, now here's the liquor store,
and there's Tom Thumb.
Now you take two lefts and
you're there, no problem.
- This is it.
The red star is the security zone.
- We have still 35 miles
through weathership Tango Dolan.
- Okay, now it's our turn to move.
Let's go!
- Hi Keeba, Captain.
(singing with music)
♫ Now strap in tight,
let's get set for action,
♫ To hoist a ship out of the sand,
♫ He tried to kill me with a forklift,
♫ Huzzah! ♫
- [Voiceover] While Captain
Joe moves the spacecraft
closer to the secret installation,
the crew of Bacchus Three,
disguised as Saysar soldiers
advances cautiously.
- Me, I'm Carl, the narrator.
I used to work with Ken.
I do these voiceovers to finance
what I really want to do.
- And what is that, Carl?
- Decoupage.
(laughs)
- Thank you.
- What are they doing at the
Joshua Tree national forest?
- You got me.
- Oh, this is the nice
side of the Devil's Desert.
- Have they got the secret weapon stored
inside of this depot?
- No, but they've got Mr. Freezys.
- It must be here.
- It sure doesn't look like
a high security installation.
- Yeah, looks like nothing.
- Most of it's underground.
- Yeah, they've even got a
bowling alley in the basement,
it's just like the White
House, it's really cool.
- It's a nature outing.
- Oh, charming.
- Stop here.
- Wait, there's your punch.
(suspenseful music)
- Damn, zinthen balls everywhere!
- Oh no!
- Okay.
- Don't go near that!
- Looks like we're in
the giraffe lot, here.
- He's making something.
(grunts)
(zaps)
- Hi-keeba!
- Well, good thing we're not branches.
- Just as I thought.
They've got the whole
insulation surrounded
by a lethal ray.
- Martha Ray.
- Wow.
- That's all we need.
This super weapon must be an
incredibly powerful device.
If they need this elaborate
a system to protect it.
- No Ken, don't try it.
- Yeah, nice kanky you're
working on there, Rocky.
- If you get anywhere
near that, it'll vaporize
you in seconds!
- Don't even have to--
(groans)
- Woah!
- The fosbury flop!
- We've discovered flubber!
(exclaims)
Fun!
(exclaims)
- Okay, Billy, you're next.
Let's go.
- What about my rifle?
- There you are, there's your rifle!
(exclaims)
- That red spot hasn't moved an inch.
- But it's healing nicely.
- I hope they're alright.
(chuckles)
- They'll be fine.
The know if they blow this one,
I'm gonna kick them
right out of the service.
- You remind me of my father.
- Oh, let's keep our mind on our,
(grunts)
work, shall we?
(exclaims)
- Having a Star Wolf
along has it's advantages.
- Rocky, let's go.
- I'm with you.
- And without you.
(chuckles)
(singing along with music)
- Wait, a musical.
- All Boring on the Western Front.
(laughs)
- I'll say.
- Rocky.
Come over here.
- Again?
- Oh, he did it again!
- Way over here.
- Look!
Check that out with your field glasses.
(exclaims altogether)
- Oh.
- Say, not bad.
- So it is underground.
- Rocky!
- There's a world going on underground.
- It's us!
Hey, wait a minute, did we
just do another hop thing?
- Hey, it's us again, are we
stuck in time or something?
- It won't be easy
getting into this place.
- How will we do it?
- Easy, those ID tags.
If we can get our hands on them,
we can waltz right through.
- Why not take the whole uniform?
- And rumba right in?
- I'm Chet.
Welcome to Arby's training school.
Again, I'm Chet, if you need anything.
I'll write it down.
- Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
They're nude!
- Good luck.
- Arty Johnson.
I thought so!
- Jack Sue!
- Boots were made for walking.
(humming with music)
♫ Lay down the boogie
♫ And play that funky music 'til you die ♫
(groans)
- Jack Oki?
- That was easy.
- Again, I'm Chet.
- Haven't seen those guys here before.
- Nice thinking, guys.
- You know how it is, they're
always sending reinforcements.
- We are 22 minutes to
weathership tango delta.
- Captain!
- I saw it!
They made it inside.
I knew they would.
(vocalizes mimicking music)
- Hmm.
- We got the call, man!
I got the shaft.
(laughs)
- It's Bruce Lee, and Bruce Lee
in a collision course with wackiness.
(silly laughter)
- Crotch cam, I'm huge!
(laughs)
(vocalizes mimicking music)
- Hey, do you guys have a hall pass?
Come on!
- Hi-keeba, get the tooth brushed.
And trim the hair on your nose!
That's all.
(suspenseful music)
- Zip lamps! Everywhere!
- Huzzah.
(panting)
- Nice boots.
- Over here!
A little further, behind this rock, yeah.
- For the walking sequence,
special director Roger Corman.
- Quit panting, so shut up!
(whistles)
- Nothing, nothing, act natural, hi!
(humming)
- Garrison's gorillas, in color.
- Saysar!
- Romero!
- Did somebody say a Saysar Romero?
(chuckles)
- Okay, let's do it now.
- What, here?
- Why not?
- Hold it.
- Now!
(groans)
- It's mom's old vaudeville stuff!
(suspenseful music)
- Wait a minute, it's the
lobby of Caesar's Palace!
- I thought so.
- Cool!
- Are they blue or not?
- The blasted thing!
- I can smash this alone.
Is that all there is to it?
- Quiet!
Just wait.
Your superhuman strength may not be enough
against a machine like that.
We've got to do this slowly and carefully.
- So you can thoroughly bore the viewers.
(grand music)
- You guys, I'm having a hard time feeling
how big this is, can we
have something on the screen
to figure out the scale, here?
It would be helpful.
- Attention, attention.
This is field marshal Tulsa,
your commander in chief.
- And grand poo-bah.
- I am proud to announce
that a new age has begun
for the people of Saysar--
- Oh, that explains the crystals.
(murmuring)
- From this moment on,
with our superior weapons
and military strength, we
can meet any challenge.
Not even the supposedly
invincible Wolf Raiders
from ValNastar can threaten us any more.
From now on we should
be able to crush their--
- Sorry, ladies.
- And destroy their very planet.
- Lunch today is chicken fried
steak and whipped potatoes.
- All ready to dominate the world!
Sir, we've achieved
the final breakthrough.
We're getting ready to--
- No speeches, soldier!
Get back to your post!
- Excuse me, sir.
I promise to pay more
attention to my duties.
- What a dope.
Hit 'em.
Come on.
- Halt!
Nobody's allowed past this point.
- You must be a new recruit.
- No sir, a blue recruit.
- Yes, sir.
Right away.
Out of my way.
- Sir, I was ordered not to
let anyone pass this point.
- These men are alright.
- They're really good guys,
especially that chopper.
He's a nut.
- All done in there?
- It's a Super Tom Servo!
With thrust busters and glass packs!
Wow!
- Tunnel ram.
Four barrel.
Chopped and channeled.
Cool.
- Look at that!
Like a beating heart!
- Like a beating heart Liberal.
(coughs)
- Dan, you plant the time bomb.
- Okay.
- Wait, they're going to destroy it
with refrigerator magnets?
- Yes, my detachment was on maneuvers,
in the northernmost part of the country--
- Yeah, it was a blast, we had fun.
- You're a sleek young fellow.
Thin, charming.
- Yes, sir.
I know that, sir.
We had a competition in our unit.
- I was the bluest.
- That's why I was selected for guard duty
at this installation.
- You've created quite a
little world for yourself,
I see.
- Hide the bomb.
It's in the room with that kid.
- Open the door!
I haven't got all day!
- Well I do, but I don't
want to give it up for this
is what I mean.
- Everything all right?
- Yes, sir.
Everything's just fine.
- Good, let's go.
- Bye, thanks for the check up.
So cool.
- Thanks.
- You're a fine soldier.
The next time I see your commander,
I'll tell him you're doing a good job.
- Oh, thank you, Colonel.
- Let's do lunch.
You're it.
- I could talk to that guy
until I'm blue in the face.
(humming)
- Thanks for keeping him distracted.
The time bomb is ready to go off.
- Oh, he's a swell kid,
hate to see him die.
(upbeat techy music)
- They're playing my song!
- Calculating number 15,
Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.
- Masterpiece Theatre is brought to you by
a grant from the Mobil Corporation.
- You can't just stand there, sir.
- Watch me.
- We've got to get out of here.
- This is our Saysar anthem.
- So what?
- Every day at this hour,
we all stand at attention
and renew our loyalty to the homeland.
- That's great.
While the others are
standing at attention,
we'll get out.
- Yeah, that's great.
You stand at attention
and I'll pick you up
and carry you, come on!
- Hey, are those Blaupunkt speakers?
They sound great.
- And the home of the brave!
(spits)
- Hey buddy!
- What's wrong?
- Can he hear?
- Colonel!
Psst, Colonel!
- Ex-nay on the edge-play!
- It's that music!
It has an effect on him.
When he hears it he snaps to attention.
- That guy's crazy!
We've got no time for patriotism now!
- That bomb is about to go off.
Colonel!
We gotta get out of here!
Come on down, sir,
there's no time to lose!
- Huh?
- My country needs me!
- Colonel!
- You know his country would win more wars
if it's national anthem was shorter.
- What happened to you?
- Somebody fingerpainted me!
(mutters)
- What?
- Get off my chest!
- Red alert!
Red alert!
Message received.
Nobody gets in here.
- Without a tuxedo and
a note from Mr. Gotti.
- You can't go in there!
- Outta my way!
- Infidel.
- Stay where you are!
One more step and I'll shoot!
(blast)
- He didn't take a step, what is he?
A Chicago cop?
That guy?
- Oh look, he's doing Joe Cocker.
(sings)
♫ What would you think? ♫
- Arby's just lost one good worker.
He was the best damn fry cook they had.
(clicks tongue)
Adios, sweet friend.
- Space Camp, with Kate Capshaw.
- We are unable to reach
the primary target, sir.
We will go to alternate target at Makiba.
- Captain, it's 15 minutes.
- We're not famous anymore.
- Ken and the others aren't out,
there's something wrong, sir.
- I have confidence in them.
They're all professionals.
- Yeah, I'll be inside
a bottle if you need me.
- I hate patronizing answers.
(sonic waves)
(screams)
- Prisoners are baked, not fried.
- Ken!
- Billy!
- Do not attempt to adjust your TV.
- Don't wait for me, go on ahead.
(blasts)
- Oh, wait!
Hit the wrong guy.
- Billy!
Save yourself!
- [Voiceover] There they are!
- Laser wall by Peter Max.
(shooting)
(humming along with music)
- Billy!
Don't try to fight them off, run for it!
- I'll come back for you, Dan!
- Yeah, right.
He'll never see him again.
(shooting)
- This is great.
Looks like a cancelled stamp.
(laughs)
(vocalizes with music)
- Well time for a drink.
- Yep, it's getting later and later.
Tammy?
I think we'd better take off.
Ready?
- Yes, Captain!
- All right.
Flyin' high now.
- You're into what?
- What? Dan was trapped?
- Yes, I tried to help him but--
- He already chewed half his leg off.
- I heard what he said.
I can rescue Dan.
- Can you get in there
before the bomb goes off?
- I can do that.
- I can try.
- We've gotta be sure.
- We'll never save Dan
by talking about it.
- Well then let's sing about it!
- Billy, you stop worrying, okay.
- Thanks for cheering me up, you're a pip!
- You guys better get outta here quick.
Nothing doin', I'm going with you.
(grunts)
No, you're not.
- You get back to the ship.
- I wanna help you rescue Dan.
- I wanna know what love is.
- Your injured leg?
You'll only be in my way.
(groans)
- This is great.
Do we have to see this?
Come on.
- Sounds like he's getting a tattoo
of the bizzy buzz buzz or something.
- Oh Victor Kaya, why did
you have to buy the company?
- What is the nature of your mission here?
(screams)
- Shaves like a blade!
- I'm going to have to drill again.
- You were collecting
information on our secret weapon.
You're a spy, aren't you, huh?
(screaming)
- Now rinse, please.
Is it safe?
(buzzing)
- Who sent you here?
- If you don't look
good, we don't look good.
- Say, you're not enjoying this.
Now, I think you better answer us.
Otherwise, things will get even worse!
(grunts)
- Just a little off the top!
- Talk!
- Talk!
- Talk talk, by Talk Talk,
from the album talk talk.
(booms)
- Yep, thought I could get
Red flying a crop duster
if I lived long enough.
(chuckles)
- Look at that dust.
- Man, should I be driving?
I mean, I already got TWIs.
(dramatic music)
(gun shots)
(vocalizes)
- Interpretive death!
Flip chop to a somersault!
Pretty routine, I've seen that before.
- Hey, it's a three-legged race.
- Or five.
(beeps)
- Oh, snaggle tooth!
- Captain!
They're back on the screen!
- That's great.
(growls)
Didn't I tell you they were professionals?
- Yes, sir.
(pants)
- Professional what?
- Is that dubbed?
That sounds like it might be dubbed.
- Pretty much.
- It's dubbed.
- Hey, time's running out, hurry.
- There's only seven minutes left.
- I know that, you idiot!
- Dan's still in there!
- And he's got the keys to your van
and his dad was going to buy us a keg!
- Here, you want a sandwich?
I got chicken salad and some
peanut butter and jelly.
- Sorry, kid, I didn't
mean to yell at you.
- Rocky, it's all my fault.
I should never have abandoned him.
- It's no one's fault.
And if anyone can save them, it's Ken.
You did the right thing in getting help.
- Yeah, it's Ken's fault!
- Now pull yourself together.
Look at that!
Over there!
- Odd, that plane's dusting crops.
But there ain't no crops!
- Just in time!
- Cool.
(pants)
- This is your last chance, earthling.
Now, who sent you here and why?
- Now remember, the first blade pulls
the whisker out, capice?
(groans)
- Weapon!
- Now we're getting somewhere.
Who sent you?
(cries)
- Oil can?
Did he say oil can?
- Increase the voltage!
How much you think you can take?
- He's an electro-holic!
Ohm is too many and a
trillion isn't enough.
- Ohm is the loneliest number, you know.
(laughs)
- They did?
Hurry!
All of you!
We're going to locate that bomb!
- Yes sir!
Come on, men!
- Yes sir!
- Oh no, you don't!
Dan!
- Van Damme and Van Damme in
Van Damme You All to Hell.
(laughs)
(exclaims)
- You're a god, Van Damme.
(grunts)
- Wow this is great, the
director chooses closeups
for the action sequences.
(chuckles)
- Perfect.
- Oh great, they're still parking.
- Hard to find a spot.
(pants)
- They communicate by gasping.
(pants)
- Look, Edelweiss.
Pretty.
(pants)
- Rocky, hurry!
- Again?
- Where's Ken?
And Dan?
- That's a good question.
Let's talk about it on the way home.
- In five minutes, that bomb goes off.
And they're still in there.
We have to leave.
- Why are they still in there?
What's happened to Ken?
- Oh, he's into Barbie, it's sad, really.
- 20 seconds.
- But you're skirting the whole Ken issue!
Every time I really like a guy!
(grunts)
- You know I love my work,
I never think I gotta go
to work, I just love it.
(grunts)
- Hi-keeba?
(yells)
- Hi-keeba!
Nice dismount!
(speaks in foreign language)
(grunts)
- Hey!
(speaks in foreign language)
- It's fun.
- Good one.
- What, (mumbles) Ken?
- Easy, that's it!
- Easy does it.
- I'm serious about mufflers.
(giggles)
- Three minutes 'til the explosion.
- I can still get in a quick one.
- Yeah, we gotta get in
a quick one too, guys.
- Please wait, sir.
Ken and Dan can't be that far away.
(pants)
Ken!
Ken made it!
(doors close)
- All right!
I'm feeling really good!
- Woo!
(sings)
♫ This is the song,
starting off our medley,
♫ Our favorite fugitive alien song,
♫ Don't try to kill us with a forklift,
♫ Won't take very long,
relax and sing along ♫
- Thank you, thank you.
- You know, Tommy?
A movie like Fugitive
Alien can make you cry
and it can make you cry.
But the thing I treasure most,
and I'm speaking from the heart here,
this is totally off-script,
is the music.
- Oh, this is so true, Mon Crow.
Songs of love and adventure,
and if I may, whimsy, no?
(chuckles)
But you know my favorite was
the heart-wending ballad
in which the wistful Tammy
pledges her love to Ken.
- It goes a little something like this.
(clears throat)
- Two, three, four.
(sings)
♫ I love Ken, he is my sweet friend
♫ And I love him,
♫ I love Ken, he is my sweet friend
♫ And I love him,
♫ I'm so blue 'cause I
don't think Ken loves me,
♫ I'm so blue 'cause I
don't think Ken loves me,
♫ I'm all messed up inside
I might have to off him,
♫ I'm all messed up inside
I might have to off him,
♫ I'll frame Rocky and get away scot-free,
♫ I'll frame Rocky and get away scot-free,
♫ I love Ken, he is my
sweet friend and I love him,
♫ Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques,
♫ I'm so blue 'cause I
don't think Ken loves me,
♫ Sonnes les matines, sonnez les matines,
♫ I'm all messed up inside
I might have to off him,
♫ I saw three ships come
sailing in, on Christmas day,
♫ On Christmas Day,
♫ I'll frame Rocky and get away scot-free,
♫ I love Ken, I love Ken ♫
- Alright, this band is marvelous,
aren't they, ladies and gentlemen?
Cambot Brown and his band renown!
Give it up for 'em!
(snaps)
- Smokin'!
- Yeah!
- One, two, three--
(scatting)
♫ It's got a real cool feel,
♫ Flyin' high with the Star Wolf,
♫ Firin' up the ship,
♫ And we're hittin' the town,
♫ With groovy Ken and Tammy,
♫ Swingin' Rocky and Joe ♫
- Wild, man.
♫ And those two other guys,
who we don't really know,
♫ Forget 'em,
♫ Lay down the boogie and
head for the stars, man ♫
- Thanks, Joel.
Well, that was fun.
But if I can get a little
serious for a moment,
well I was wondering where
we'd be without our boys
and girls in shiny red pleather?
It makes me proud to know that
they're out there somewhere.
(patriotic music)
♫ Look, can you see,
♫ Flyin' something,
♫ Fighting for you and me,
♫ Captain Joe and the gang,
♫ When they pass by,
♫ Throw them a Vulcan pie,
♫ Tell them that they will die,
♫ The guy in the blue ♫
- Tempo!
- Gypsy, you wanna do one with me?
- What?
- You wanna do one with me?
- Alright.
- Let's all do it.
- Okay.
(sing together)
♫ We are gonna find Sandy Frank,
♫ We just wanna ask him why,
♫ We wanna stick it to Sandy Frank,
♫ And sit on his chest and gag on his face
♫ And make him cry ♫
- Yeah!
- Let's take it home!
- I'm feelin' really good!
- Feels so good, it shows!
(cheers)
(sings)
♫ And that's our song,
♫ We hope that you enjoyed it,
♫ And if you thought
it was stupid and dry,
♫ Come on, and get us with a forklift,
♫ All we wanna do, with
love from us to you,
♫ Is sing (gasps)
♫ The last (mumbles) of song ♫
- Muah!
- I give up!
(upbeat techy music)
- No, no, you are Mr. Show Business.
- Smokin'!
- Absolutely!
(explosion)
- Oh no!
- Hey!
- I think Mega Servo just went up there.
- Oh, no.
Doggone it.
- Oh, they blew'd it up before
we found out what it was!
- Blew'd?
- Blew'd it up.
- I see, this is why
we don't let teenagers
into hotels anymore.
This kind of stuff.
- Definitely no kids.
- Look!
Sir!
- Alright!
- Terrific!
- Super, really super!
- There goes!
- Alright.
- Ah, Cherry, Bar, Cherry.
I haven't won all day.
(explosions)
- Never found out how big
that thing was, really.
- All relative scale.
- Wait, wait.
What was the plot here?
- Plot?
- Think they blew that up, too.
(chuckles)
- It's farfegnugen gone horribly wrong.
- I'll say.
(snoring)
- You know what this reminds me of?
Thunderbirds, all go!
(chuckles)
Remember?
(crashes)
- Hey, do they have
another Herb Albert tape?
I'm really getting sick of this.
- Eight-track recycled.
- Oh, that really does look good, though.
- It looks neat.
- Pretty impressive.
- Did Kissinger order this?
- I think it was Schwarzkopf.
- Oh.
- So there's stuff blowing up then.
- Pretty much.
- Yup.
- It's pretty neat.
- Blowing it up, yupper-doodle-doo.
- Got some money to blow here.
- Oh, yeah.
- This is pretty cool.
- It does look good, though.
- Really good.
- Orgy of destruction.
- Sorry, everyone!
Sorry!
Only meant to blow up that one thing!
Sorry!
- It's the Bridge on the
River Kwai over there.
(whistles)
- Yup.
- And they still haven't hit that.
- Here it goes.
- Uh oh.
(booms)
- Next on MacGyver.
- Can't begin to tell you
how proud I am of you guys.
- 'Cause I'm drunk.
- The greatest crew a Captain ever had.
(giggles)
- Hey, Ken!
- Pull my finger and do
that funny face you do.
(laughs)
- Pull my finger, too.
I love it when they do that.
- See, it's all working out.
I wish your mother were here to see this.
(exhales)
(yells)
- So, rangers!
- Gene Simmons?
- I'm delighted to report good news.
Our research center on earth
has just developed a bomb that
can destroy a whole planet.
- And you guys can't cut a
simple steak and shrimp combo!
- We will gain control of that bomb
and then Valna will dominate the universe!
- Yes, master.
- The universe in Wisconsin, Madison,
a tradition of excellence
for over 200 years.
- I've been waiting for you, Captain.
- Five neat guys.
And a girl.
- She runs the Reynold's Aluminum plant.
- It's too dangerous.
- I'm sorry my father was detained.
He wanted to welcome you--
- What?
- Mother!
- What's up, Ken?
- He's tripping.
- Looked like my mother.
Why'd she run away?
- 'Cause she hated kids, maybe?
- Mother!
- Hey, not so fast, Ken!
Take it easy.
You know you haven't seen
her in several years.
- Sounds like they're
playing the Godfather theme.
- But no one every really proved it.
That's why I--
- Ken, snap out of it.
- Come on, this is your mother now.
Try her out.
- We've been assigned to
escort this young lady.
- I beg your pardon.
- Hi-keeba.
- That's alright.
The problem is my father.
Ever since he developed that bomb,
all sorts of people have
been threatening me.
- Look, sir.
(dramatic music)
- We're being attacked by
models from Members Only!
- Take cover!
- Oh no, it's the Dave Clark Five
and they're being attacked
by Dino, Dizzy and Billy!
- It's like one of those Obsession ads.
If this is love, then find me guilty.
- Hey, it's the guys from Delta Epsilon!
- It's the guys from Sigma Fi!
- This kind of stuff
always happens on campus.
- Those soldiers move
faster than I expected.
(grunts)
- Guido Sarducci?
- The manufacturer of my invention--
- Sugar in this gum?
- Has been preserved on this microfilm--
- So it doesn't stick to dental work, eh?
- You mean this little film
contains information on
a bomb powerful enough
to blow up the entire universe?
- No matter what happens to me, Captain,
this microfilm must not
fall into the wrong hands.
- Why are they meeting in the shower?
- My daughter asked me not to
make this invention public.
- By the way of sitting on the urinal.
- Tammy's got a Weber Cooker.
- There she is again!
- Mother!
Why does she always run away?
- Why is she younger than me?
- Uh oh.
(dramatic music)
- Oh man, now he's outside.
I'd say this part of the
movie needs strict re-writes.
- A little weird.
- Hey mom!
Where'd you get the meadow?
- We're the catering squad.
- Hi-keeba.
- Greetings from our headquarters.
We have orders to bring you there.
(gasps)
- Captain's sportin' a bike rack there.
(chuckles)
- Tell your headquarters
they can forget their orders.
- Captain!
- Ash Wednesdays, Saysar style.
- Ouch.
- Filmed in convolution vision.
- I'll say.
(pants)
- Mother, come back!
- What in the Sam Scratch is going on?
- This is an entirely different
movie we're watching here!
- It was Halkon.
- Fred Biletnikoff!
- Attack.
- Hey, this side shoots to the left!
- Ken?
- Where the hell did you come from?
- All three of them were
to be taken back to Valna.
- Valna?
- Get me a spoon.
- Halkon was going to
hold them as hostages.
Just a minute.
This lady can tell you the rest.
- The rest of the story.
Page two.
- Halkon made me do it.
He wanted me to infiltrate your operation
posing as Ken's mother.
- And then he was going to kill her.
I better pay Halkon a visit.
(sobs)
- Ken, you're not going to Valna--
- Dressed like that.
- That's crazy.
- He's right, Ken.
- What other choice do I have?
- You could get a smaller belt buckle.
- Can you people people take on Halkon?
No way.
- Jose!
- It's got to be me.
- It's just gotta be me!
- Accept no responsibility,
you'd be acting on your own, Ken.
What we can do is wish you good luck.
- Maybe pack you a few
sandwiches but that's it.
- He must be destroyed by a Star Wolf!
- You'll always be a Star Wolf.
- Never a star.
(laughs)
- Is that so awful?
If I'm able to use my
strength for a good cause?
- I'm just doing what
Jerry does for those kids!
- Don't be a fool.
- Don't be a fool with your life, Billy.
- Nobody admires you more than I do.
But you're no match for Halkon.
- Don't be so sure.
Halkon trained me for
every sort of combat.
He taught me well.
- One thing that Halkon didn't teach you
was to fight as dirty as he does.
Which is the reason why,
you better take some earthlings along.
- Because we're basically scum.
(laughs)
- Exactly what I was thinking.
(upbeat tech music)
- I wonder what the king
is drinking tonight.
(panting)
- Oh, another Orrin Hatch.
No, this one's a Richard Hatch.
- Oh.
(laughs)
- One wretched Star Wolf!
- Two wretched Star Wolves?
- I don't see any danger in that!
He had a space escort with him?
What's become of the others?
- Well, we tried to locate them, master.
- He's cute.
- I want Rockford dead!
- Every one of them!
If they're not dead by
nightfall, you'll die!
- Yes, master!
- He is cute.
Kind of looks like Tammy Faye, I think.
- Star Wolf!
(exclaims)
- Looking for me?
Hello, Star Wolf.
- Hello, Shirl.
- Halkon, I promised I'd
return here to settle
the score.
- I believe it was 15 love?
Something like that?
- Don't move!
(chuckles)
- You know you can't
bring yourself to kill me.
- I'm wearing my magic
rain cape and ski gloves.
- After all, Star Wolf, I'm
the one who created you.
Everything you are and everything you know
you learned from me.
- Well everything I know
I learned in kindergarten!
- You haven't the courage
to pull that trigger.
- You're wrong.
Everything I learned from you is wrong.
- Like three card monty.
- Everything you taught me was evil, evil.
Now I see another way of life.
A life that's honest and decent.
- I'm gonna become a nun!
- And I've come back to
destroy you and your evil!
- Ness.
- Thing.
- Now die!
- No, you're the one that's going to die!
- No, you're the one who's going to die!
No it's you, no you're
the one who's gonna,
who's gonna die?
- Maybe I am gonna die.
- Hi-keeba.
- Now I want you to sing like Tommy Tune.
(whimpers)
- Lord Halkon!
Bacchus!
Bacchus Three is headed
straight for our fortress!
- Boy, I'll say.
(crash)
- Kind of looks like
Captain Joe's in the bucket,
you know.
- Yep, yep.
- He's had a few.
- It's the opening of Manix.
- Sorry.
(vocalizes)
- That was convenient.
(grunts)
- That's a good defensive move.
Somersaults.
(grunts)
- Classic Manix disarm.
- Halkon!
- Jackie Chan he is not.
- Wait a minute, Star Wolf.
Why don't we discuss this?
- Over a cocktail and some calamari?
- Put down that sword.
What's the good of killing me?
We can be allies!
(grunts)
- My nut!
- Oh!
(grunts)
- Big mistake.
- You're dumber than I thought, Ken.
(dramatic music)
- Die, Star Wolf!
- Oh, another one.
You know, women just shouldn't
hang around this guy.
(gasps)
- Mother!
- Thanks, substitute mom.
- Ken, listen.
I'm not your real mother.
- But I'm an incredible simulation.
- Don't die!
- Ken!
- Hey, neat!
Where did you get the girl on a stick?
- This must be Halkon's work.
- I noticed the fine
detail, the craftsmanship.
- Look, Halkon's getting away.
- No!
- Yes!
- No, he's not!
(blast)
- Super car!
Super car!
- This is it!
- This is it, the night of nights!
No more rehearsing and nursing of parts!
(explosion)
- Sorry.
- This is Bernard Shaw, downtown Baghdad,
I'm under a table, I'm running cam B.
- Um no, that was George Bernard Shaw.
- Baghdad?
- So uh, why do you think they're fighting
over a Heidelberg?
(gasps)
- He's gotta go bad, that one.
- Puppet ships to the rescue!
(sings)
♫ You tried to kill us with a forklift ♫
- Where have I seen this before?
- Oh, I don't know, a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away?
- Yeah, that's it.
Pretty much.
- Attack.
- Oh, he's urging himself
on, self motivation.
- Now die!
- You die, Joel!
- You'll never destroy me, Star Wolf!
- You can't destroy me, I quit!
(crash)
- Oh well, this at least
has gotta slow it down,
I mean, please.
- Put a chink in his get along.
- There goes Old Maine.
The whole campus is gone now.
- A chink in his get along?
(exhales)
- Aren't you glad we're heading for earth?
(giggles)
- Yeah.
- 'Cause they have dentists there.
- There's a girl I can hardly wait to see.
- A girl?
You switch-hitter, you.
- What's wrong with you, Ken?
I would've thought you'd be
a little more enthusiastic.
- Captain?
I got something to tell you.
- I want to be a woman.
- You guys?
It was great knowing you.
- It was?
- I've gotta go back to Valna.
- Yeah, we hear your theme song.
- Ken!
- What do you hope to accomplish there?
- Well, he signed up for
a health club membership
and he should use the rest
of it, it was 18 months.
- Halkon's dead now, the land destroyed.
Perhaps I can help build
a new nation there,
a new civilization.
- You think you can
change the world, do you?
- That's an impossible job.
- You'd need 10 lifetimes to complete it.
Think it over, why don't
you just stick with us, Ken?
After all, you started
life as an earthling.
- Yeah, I'll get help.
Maybe hire some staff, I don't know.
- Valna's missionaries, and died there.
I want to finish the work.
- Hmm, it's not exactly on our way.
- It's your decision.
- Boy, his cheeks are huge.
- Good luck, Ken.
Star Wolf.
- Thank, I think.
- I'll just shake your hand.
- But I won't kiss you.
- I don't like goodbyes.
- Billy!
- Don't be a hero, man.
- It's been great.
- Thanks.
- Dan?
- Or, whatever your name is, new guy.
Think I would've liked you.
- We've been through a lot together.
- Yeah.
- Soul brother.
- Tammy?
I'll never forget you.
- And I'll never forget you, uh, um, Ken.
- Ooh, doll hands.
(gasps)
- Oh, grow up.
- Hey, they're gonna
land on the bowling ball.
(beeps)
- Ready now, take off!
- Take off, Hoser!
(exclaims)
- Woah!
- Star Wolf.
- Goodbye, Ken.
- Good night, sweet prince.
- Oh, look at that suit,
what is he going to be, in
swing choir or something?
- And we have closure!
(cheers)
- [Voiceover] Fugitive Alien will be back
in Fugitive Alien Come Home,
Fugitive Alien III, the next
day, the final chapter, 3000.
(doors close)
- Ah let's see here, Brewster's millions,
Brian's song.
- Oh no, no, no.
I couldn't handle
Brian's song again, Crow.
When I saw that I was
dewy-eyed for a week.
- No, it didn't affect me that way at all.
- Well you know I had
some other things going
on in my life at the time, and--
- Hey you guys, what are you doing?
- Oh, we're just looking
through Leonard Maltin's
movie guide, thinking of
shooting the MADs a memo.
Hoping that they'd welcome some input
on the experiment selection.
- Well you know, they
don't have to all be as bad
as the one we say today.
(barking)
And maybe all our interests
can be served, gang.
It can be a win-win situation.
- Yeah.
- I don't know about that, the MADs seem
to be pretty territorial
about stuff like that.
One thing you have to admit,
at the end of this movie
that the evil villain
they had was actually
pretty evil, you know.
(laughs)
- You mean the one with the heavy rouge?
- Yeah, and the face that
was dipped in a huge vat
of white-out?
- Yeah, that guy.
- I know what you mean, Joel.
He scared me so much I almost
started watching the movie.
- He's kind of like somebody's idea
of something evil all
rolled into one, you know?
- You got a point there, Joel.
Kind of brought together
the terrifying aspects
of Nazis and mimes!
- And Marsha Mason!
- Or Marilyn Quayle!
- Well listen, if you guys wanted to,
how would you make your
ultimate evil person?
Who would it be made up of?
- Let's see, I'd combine the wolf man
and mothra and the bad Lee
Marvin from Cat Ballou!
- Yeah, that's great.
I'd take Tom T Hall, add Roy Clark,
and a little Donna Fargo!
- Oh the possibilities!
Richard Nixon, Richard the
Third, and Keith Richards!
You know, but according to the fellowship
of the white boar, Richard the Third
was actually a fine man--
- I don't even think of
Keith Richards as that evil.
- Oh, but he's so scary!
- Richard Baseheart, Richard Baseheart,
and Richard Baseheart!
- But Gypsy, you like Richard Baseheart.
- Oh.
- How about Howie Mandel,
David Brenner and Gallagher?
- Or David Brenner, Andy
Rooney, David Brenner,
and a ferret?
- Ooh, that one stung.
- Personally, I hate Mondays.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
Anyway, I think we need
something kind of uplifting,
so I brought along these letters here.
This first one, let's put
that on still-store cambot.
This first one comes from an Eddie Hogan
of New Jersey.
He writes, "Hello, my name
is Eddie and I would like to"
"join your information
club as you can tell,"
"I'm not very good, I do
not have very good writing"
"and I'm already 13."
- Uh oh.
- It's over.
- Too bad.
- "I hate school, homework,
teachers, and cheesy movies,"
Good.
"I'm a big fan and I think
you're all funny, even Gypsy."
"I watch your show on
Saturdays, I would watch"
"them Monday through Friday
but they're on at 10 AM"
"and I'm at school falling asleep."
(slowly laughs)
- That's nice.
- Let's get another one, that one's not--
- That was really uplifting,
Joel, I gotta tell ya.
- This one seems happier,
let's put this one
one still-story.
Eddie, you might wanna get into breakfast.
Anyway, this one has Tom Servo saying,
"What are we, cowboys?"
"I'd like to shoot that intro."
And then Gypsy's there
saying, "Richard Basehart,"
"RAM chips, huh?"
- Yep, that's her.
- And then Crow's saying, "Shut
up, I can't take anymore,"
"get on with it already, geez!"
And then it's got me saying,
"Well it can also double,"
"as a can opener."
And then it's got the MADs saying,
"File this Frank," and
then Frank is saying,
"I will, I will file
this, I will file it."
- That's really a nice
rendition of Frank, too,
isn't it?
- Yeah, it is.
That's pretty good.
- Those people weren't
evil at all, were they?
- You know, I came up with another one.
Coffee, ice cream, paper
cuts and Dan Haggerty!
(yells)
- You're just getting
weird and that results
from creativity.
What do you think, sirs?
- Well, Martin Bober, I
think you're qualified
to be considering the nature of evil.
(chuckles)
Push the button, Frank.
- Hey, I like Tom T Hall.
- Oh Frank, think evil.
(sings)
♫ I love baby ducks ♫
- Oh Frank, you're just
embarrassing me now.
♫ Baby, kooky-kooky-kooky, baby, baby ♫
(somber music)
- Captain!
I got it fixed!
It's all working again!