Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 0, Episode 0 - Night of the Blood Beast - full transcript

* in the not-too-distant
future *

* way down in deep 13

* the evil Dr. Forrester

* was hatching
a nasty scheme *

* he hired a temp
by the name of Mike *

* just a regular Joe
he didn't like *

* his experiment needed
a good test case *

* so he conked him
on the noggin *

* and he shot him
into space *

get me down!

* I'll send him
cheesy movies *

* the worst I can find
la-la-la *

* he'll have to sit
and watch them all *

* and I'll monitor his mind
la-la-la *

* now keep in mind,
Mike can't control *

* where the movies
begin or end *

* he'll try to keep
his sanity *

* with the help
of his robot friends *

* robot roll call

cambot!

Gypsy!

Tom servo!

Crow!

* if you're wondering how

* he eats and breathes

* and other science facts

* just repeat to yourself,
"it's just a show" *

* I should really
just relax *

did I tell you
my mother's here?

* for...

Hi, everyone.
I'm-- I'm Mike.

Welcome back, I'm just waiting
around for Tom and crow.

Hi Mike.
Mike, Tom and I are taking

a very active role
in our personal security.

Yep, that's why
we got these taser guns.

Hey, hey, you know, you wanna
be careful with those things--

- aah!
- You're scaring him!
Don't hurt him, Mike!

- Jeez!
- Wow!

I've never
seen him like that.

I know, I know,
I didn't want to shoot him,

but he scared me.

He stirs-- hit him
with your peppercorn mace.

- Ready? Ready?
- Careful with-- aah!

- Aah!
- He's scaring me! Mike!

Oh god! My eyes!

Okay, okay,
get your green dye

so we can permanently Mark
the perpetrator.

He's scaring me again!

We'll be right back!
Mike! Mike!

- Aah!
- Mike!

You guys, this isn't funny.
My face is really green.

It's not that green, Mike.

It's incredibly green.

Does this stuff
even come off anyway?

Uh, really, Mike,
it's-- it's not that green.

It's green.
And now Dr. F is calling.

- [Bots laugh]
- My face is green.

Surprise, it's me.

My Clayton has asked me
to invite all of you--

Clayton?...
To a little recital

I suggested he give.

Clayton?

Hi, guys. I presume
you remember mother.

She's going to be
visiting here for a while--

living.

For an interminable
amount of--

indeterminate
amount of time.

And, uh, it's--

it's really great
to have her here.

Uh, anyway, uh,
I used to play the trombone

and mom thought it would
be good if you heard me play--

nobody wants to hear
you talk, Clayton.

Uh, right.

**

flat!

Flat!

Flat!

No! Flat!

- Flat!
- Ow.

Well, that's not bad.
Not bad at all.

But maybe if
you tried something

a little more like this.

**

whoa.

Wow.

Oh yeah.

Bring it back.

Oh, sing to me.

See, Clayton,
if you'd practiced,

you could be like art.

- Oh, mother.
- Don't give me that.

You do the thing
with the tongue.

[Warbled notes]

Oh, Clayton,
you are so embarrassing.

Everyone is better than you.

What do I have to do
to get you to act

like a member
of the human race.

Oh, if I'd only had
the daughter I prayed for.

Instead of you.

...short.

Oh, Clayton Deborah
Susan forrester,

you have ruined it
for me again.

- I trust you'll
put up with mother.
- Why does this always--

she's really a dear, dear...

[Metal crashes]

- Um...
- [Mother mutters]

Anyway, uh,
your movie this week

is night of the blood beast.

- There's a short as well.
- I have no son.

I do love her.

I do.

* hold that tiger!

* hold that tiger!

* here kitty-kitty-kitty!

We got movie sign!

Ah, how many times
Michael Jackson

and Lisa Marie had sex.

[All laugh]

Oh, I was known
as something of a...

"Chick handler" myself.

Yeah.

Pretty crowded
honeymoon, huh?

With all the names.

* it's springtime

* for Hitler

* and Germany

oh, he directs
the best honeymoons.

Lucy, I'm dead!

Once upon a time,

or maybe it should be
twice upon a time,

because this story begins
where most stories end.

There was a bit of excitement
up on cloud seven.

On this particular morning,

the head angel
had called a conference

to talk about Jeff and Mary.

And their guardian angel,
wilbur,

was late.

- Where is wilbur?
- [As Mr. Ed] Wilbur!

--Every cherub in the place
out to look for him.

Hiya, fellas, let's get
this show on the road.

It's already on the road.

I'm sorry, chief.

We got so many new clients

we'll have to open
a new branch office.

These clients are
your immediate concern.

If you wanna keep
your license.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, chief.

Marriages are
made in heaven.

But there's
follow-up work too.

You want I should
show her a good time?

Jeff and Mary have
been married for a year,

and they haven't had
a real honeymoon yet.

- [Crow mimics porn music]
- But everything's
under control.

They're starting
on their honeymoon today.

That's what they think, too.

But they're going
to find out differently.

Unless you get down there
right away

- and take care of things.
- I want them eliminated.

Something's come up?

Something is coming up
in exactly 30 seconds.

- [Servo gurgles]
- Now get going.

Yes, sir, chief. Geronimo!

Just go, you big poof.

[Wilbur sighs]

[Servo retches]

Oh, wilbur?

Dear god, I hate
theater people.

Sir, should we get on to wars

or starvation
or anything, or...

Oh! Mrs. Muir!

[Crow chuckles]

I love it when I get
a call in my pants.

Just answer
my hair-dryer here.

- Chief?
- Wilbur!

Make yourself invisible!

Oh, I almost forgot.

He's trying to have
a montclair moment.

[All laugh]

[Servo mimics plane crash]

- Zzzt! Zzzt!
- Aah!

Hey, now they'll get
immaculate reception.

- [Bots laugh]
- Sorry.

You know, I had an angel
rotting in my chimney once.

Sad.

I'm sorry, chief.

But I've got
to get organized.

Besides, no one
can see me up here.

[Crow mimics siren]

There he is, officer!

Come down off the roof!

A-hah, look, there's
a frisbee in the gutter.

[Crow chuckles]

Oh no, angel dust.

It's a rattlesnake.

They live in a Dollhouse.

You know, they should fire
grandma as their decorator.

I'm leaving you.

Oh, I thought
I was leaving you.

Have you got everything?

Everything. Including you.

Oh, so hot.

Well, let's go then.

- [Phone rings]
- Ugh, it's the pope

about the one
sexual position.

They're onto US.

- Hello?
- Jeff, this is Gordon.

Oh. Hello, Gordon.
And goodbye, Gordon.

Mary and I are just leaving.

Now, wait a minute.
Something's come up.

It can't come up.
When I finished the score
for the show,

you said I could take Mary
on our honeymoon.

We waited a year now,
and we're going.

Now, hold on, Jeff.
It's Sonia.

Her wishing number.

The words are okay,

but he doesn't care much
about the music.

If we don't have a new tune
by tomorrow morning,

she's not going
to sign for the show.

Look, Gordon, rehearsals don't
star for four weeks yet,

- and--
- I haven't
had it in years!

We're on our honeymoon.

- Now, listen, Jeff--
- e.G. Marshall is here.

If you don't come up
with that new music,

there won't be any show,
and there won't

be any honeymoon.

Now, you can write
a new melody in 24 hours.

There's no problem at all.

You must have at least a dozen
old tunes lying around.

I-i-i-i-i-i.

The wishing song?

I wanna have sex!

No problem at all.

And me completely
out of blow.

Excuse me while
I light my spleef.

What would liberace do?

Oh, I'd better not do that.

One of 32
short films about...

This guy.

Well, let's see,
what rhymes with blue balls?

Wait a minute--
I work for Otis elevators.

I don't write music.

Oh, Mickey Rourke
came over to help.

No inspiration, darling?

I couldn't write
"the farmer and the Dell" today.

Why would you
want to write him?

A temperamental ballerina--

take it easy.

Look, it's way past
dinner-time,

and you haven't
eaten lunch yet.

I had three packs.

I'm not hungry.

I'll fix some coffee.

I'll give this
to the man in the kitchen.

- Hmm hmm hmm.
- [Phone rings]

Oh, another
one of your scores

has fallen apart.

Yes?

- Hello, Mary?
- Vat are you vearing?

Yes, Sonia?

You tell Jeffrey
the dear boy

that I love his words.

But I want more wishing
in the wishing song.

You're absolutely right--
he couldn't agree with you more.

He's working
on it right now.

It's almost finished.

So shut up.

[Mike laughs]

Goodbye.

Copper-bottomed bitch--
another sandwich, dear?

If I pull hard enough,
I can snap my head off.

[Servo strains]

* I wish I had
a castle in the sky *

well, wish in one hand
and crap in the other,

and see which
piles up first.

* oh, way up high where

* bluebirds like to fly

* I wish I could
have sex with Louis nye *

* a cozy little castle

* with a hundred rooms
or more *

* I wouldn't have to dress

* like tipper Gore

* with stars for windows
clouds for rugs *

- [servo mimics explosion]
- * a rainbow

* for a door

* I wish...

Honey, I'm trying
to compose in here,

if you could keep it down.

I just wish I had
a decent kitchen.

Ho, angels work about as hard
as road crews.

A little peck-erino.

[Mike as wicked witch]
Poppies!

I wish...

- Mm-hmm?
- Mm-hmm?

* I wish the faucet
wouldn't drip all day *

aim high, sister!

Oh, I wish hardware Hank
hadn't done my kitchen.

* I wish that
refrigerator door *

* would close
and stay closed *

oh, sure, everyone dump
on the refrigerator.

Fine, I'll close.

Ms. Betty furness
and the new westinghouse!

I wish I had a stove

whose pilot light

was always lit.

Well, don't look for it now.

It's only available
in the year 2000.

Furthermore,

* a kitchen-phone in hand
when friends *

* call up to chat a bit

[crow hums along]

[Phone rings]

* hello, yes, this is Mary,
how are you? *

* they say your kitchen
dazzles every eye *

* a brand new sink
a built-in oven *

- really, this is important.
- * a new refrigerator

get out of the house,
there's a terrible accident--

- * a kitchen phone
- --gotta get
to the hospital--

- * a bright red phone
- but you--

* gotta go,
goodbye, goodbye *

- * goodbye...
- Nuclear reactor exploded--

* I'll call you later

* it's all part
of my kitchen fantasy *

[Servo mimics piano]

No, no.

Have some
bear gall juice, honey.

* I wish my living room
were all redone *

* I think owning a newspaper
would be fun *

* new drapes, new rugs

* oh, this is fun

my god, honey,
what've you done to our lives?

* it's nice to have
a telephone *

* to blend with
my new drapes and rugs *

* a living room that's
all our own *

bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Honey, I can't stop smiling.
I'm in hell.

[Crow as Lawrence Welk]
Eh, Bobby and cissy,
aren't they wonderful?

Hey, this might actually
be sex right here.

Okay, ugh,

where can I put you, honey?
There.

I wrote this one
for Scott thorson.

Meanwhile, soldiers are
dying in the mud in North Korea.

Eh, who cares?

That's her come wither look.

* the bedroom should be

* changed completely, too

yeah, hang a parachute,
put up a beer can collection.

* perhaps a color scheme

* of gold and blue

that's about as sexy
as a garage.

* new furniture
and lots of room *

* for all my clothes
- [all mimic country song]

* on second thought

* I might try dusty Rose

one bed's for them,
the other one's

for little grandma.

Eh, Jeff and I were gonna get
the racing car beds,

but we decided on these.

* a lady likes

* to have a chance

* to change her mind

- ah, no no, none of that.
- * I might like

* a yellow room

* with turquoise and white

- * and maybe a telephone
- [all mimic country song]

* that lights up at night

* I wish I may

- I wish.
- * I wish

- I might.
- * I might

yeah, sort of a westerny,
ginghamy,

oriental, Danish,
modernesque,

- prairie school
sort of thing, huh?
- [Phone rings]

Pills, pills, pills, pills,
where are the pills?

We gotta get out of here--
I smell gas!

Hello?

Hello? They hung up.

Here's how far
I've gotten-- la.

It was probably Gordon,
sitting there like a vulture.

Call him back.

Maybe I'll have it in
a day or two, but not tonight.

I haven't got one idea left
to rub against another.

Don't say "rub." Or grind
or moist or hard or gristle.

His line's busy.

Well, try it again.
If he and Sonia can't wait,

I don't care what they do.

Get away from me!

Honey, is that a gay man
on the Johnsons' roof?

Should we get a gay man
for our roof, honey?

Why don't we call him later?

No... no.

All right.

Yeah, I'm your damn
secretary, fine.

Honey, your cocaine
is all over the phone.

[All hum pink Floyd]

* money!

[Busy signal]

Wait a minute,
do that again.

Yeah, okay,
now rustle your skirt.

Now, flap your arms
and run the vacuum.

Yeah...

Yeah. Why not?

I'll call someone
to write this song.

Yeah.

Again, do it again.

[Servo mimics piano]

[Jeff hums]

* everybody was

* kung-fu fighting

it works!

Sure, for a tuneless
sort of thing.

Don't worry about

my carpal tunnel syndrome
or anything.

- Good!
- Good boy,

you can be trained.

* really love your peaches

- * wanna shake your tree
- [phone rings]

Oh, damn,
you ruined it again.

Hello? Oh, hello, Gordon.

I've been trying to get Jeff.

Sonia's here.
How's it coming?

Wonderful, you wanna
hear something?

You bet. I'll turn on
the speakerphone.

I want Sonia to hear it.

Fine, listen to this.

* I wish I had

* a castle in the sky

* oh, way up

* where the bluebirds fly

* a castle, with a--

oh, crap. We're opening
tomorrow, too.

* --for windows,
clouds for rugs *

* a rainbow for a door

uh, guys, we're having some
trouble hearing--

but-- hold on--

trying to get--
phone working--

Jeff-- wait a minute--

oh-- try playing the song--

speakerphone--

it in-- how the hell
does this thing work?--

--eff-- eff--

--eff-- I mean--

at the song from
the beginning, we can't--

speakerphone
is terrible, we--

whoo!

Hey, hey, leave room
for the holy ghost.

Welcome to shakey's!

Elton John was here!

This would be a good
companion film with eraserhead.

I love it!

Such rhythm, such spirit,
such emotion!

That's it, kids.
Bring it in, Jeff,

and go on to your honeymoon.

Walter cronkite approves.

Jacket.

Condoms.

Lingerie for me and you.

Let's go to your mother's.

The baby, we'll lock up.

Okay, Jeff,
we're all set on this end.

Go right ahead.

Ah, the monks of St. Gregory

work on their next big
chart-busting hit.

I'll just order the hit.

Chief? This is wilbur.

Mission accomplished,
I'll be right up.

Right.

Now I can do the decorating.

Now I'll see what
tad and Bryce are up to.

I'm losing his pattern,
captain.

[Servo mimics
trek teleporter]

The following scene contains
graphic sexual content.

Wait a minute, what the hell
was that about, anyway?

Well, this is a-- wh--

**

no, no!

**

no, that roundly sucks.

* hum-hum-hum-hum hum hum

* hum-hum-hum hum hum

* assorted magic helmet

- whoo.
- [Servo screams]

* I wish I had
a pretty purple phone *

* to match my purple
gypsy color *

ooh, say, thanks. Wow.

Oh, let's see.

* I wish I had
a lovely phone *

* with combined kenner
easy-bake-oven *

right, okay-- oh, jeez,
it's heavy.

Man, it's heavy.

- [Bots strain]
- Oh, hey, great!

I think I tore my shorts.

* I wish I had
a Princess phone *

* mounted on half
of an ocelot *

- what's an ocelot?
- Come here, come on.

Get him, get him-- whoa!

- Ow!
- Watch it!

Say, that looks-- oh, wow.

* I wish I had

* with the thing on it

* and one of my friends
would call and chat with me *

[phone rings]

Hey, whoa,
this is fantastic.

- It's for you.
- Okay, huh?

* hello? Hello?
Hello-hello-hello? *

* I don't know why
you say goodbye, I say hello *

* and if you say goodbye

* I'll sock you in the eye

* then run you up
against the wall *

* and pop! Goes the weasel

[all]
* and if you say goodbye

* I'll sock you in the eye

* and run you up
against the wall *

* and pop! Goes the weasel

brought to you
by your phone council,

reminding you
to decorate with phones.

[All] Phones!

[Servo groans]

Night mother? Moon? Stalker?

Of the iguana?

Sausage! Blood sausage!

D'ah, oh well.

Music by ray manzarek.

Scott McCloud, space angel!

[Servo yells]

Uh, you lost your trailer.

Hey, ed Nelson of ed Nelson
plumbing and heating.

Free hot dogs for the kids.

From a sentence
by gene corman.

NASA simulation.

[Mike grunts]

Help, the conductor's
having a seizure!

Dick courier.
When dick absolutely,

positively has
to be there overnight.

Isn't this the polovtsian
dance #2 by borodin?

Yeah.

It stinks.

This has been
thoroughly cormanized.

Yuck.

You know, I don't know
that much about space,

but it seems like
they're just wandering around.

Ah, and it's a gene corman
signature movie.

Uh, there's going
to be some turbulence,

seeing as how
we have one wing.

Round the sun and fun
capitol of the world!

And now our story.

This is x-100 to goldenrod.

X-100 to goldenrod.
Do you read me, over?

When I fly the real one,
I'll have more stuff.

Normal descent
on instruments.

No descent
on instruments.

This thing won't boot up.
- --90,000 feet.

Approaching
critical velocity.

And I have a bulbous growth
on my nose.

Something's wrong--
I'm falling too fast!

Well, just pull everything!

Goldenrod, I'm in trouble!

The jets don't
break my speed.

Okay, I'm switching
to blend.

I'm releasing
the drag chute.

If it returns,
I'll love it forever.

If it doesn't, then it was
never meant to begin with.

I'm being severely back-lit!

There's no drag, and I'm getting
too close to the earth!

I'm afraid of intimacy!

Whoa, I knew I was
lactose intolerant, but...

My pizza! Oh!

There's nothing more
I can do now.

- Estimated--
- party tape, whoo!

Ten miles northeast
your location.

- In case recorders'
damage get this--
- help!

1,700 miles.

Weight ratio-- 187.

Thrust-- 220 tons.

Pants-- totally filled.

Sorry.

- It starts.
- Sorry.

Rat patrol in color!

Boy, Houston
doesn't waste much time.

Got a guy in a Jeep
right out there.

Someone's burning leaves,
and NASA is there.

It's a land's end ad.

Available in loden, camel,
stone, pant, and twerp.

Mark trail!

[Servo hums score]

With Gore Tex.

I told you, no hot plates!

[Mike coughs]

I couldn't get
the jaws of life,

so I brought Cindy.
She's really strong.

NASA's highly sophisticated
fire-fighting techniques.

Anyone in here need off?

Cindy, clear the shot.

Did I hit the ocean?

Uh, no, it's spooner,
Wisconsin, Gary.

Hi, I'm bill proxmire.
I'm running for senate.

His pop spilled.

Oh, he's a mess.
You got a moist towelette?

Hmm?

Should've sent up
a dog first.

- I'll, uh--
- have a sandwich,

if it's okay.

I'll tell the others.

Am I a "other"?

Excuse me, could you move
your entrails aside?

Vanna bourke-white
on the scene.

Oh, I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.

Um, am I having a feeling?

Do-- do I need a perm?

Their space program
ain't so good.

Eh, breaker-one-niner
for the big Booty.

We got a spam in a can,
and we'll catch you

on the big
bounce-around, over.

Goldenrod baker
to goldenrod Abel.

He's not that alive
anymore, over.

Goldenrod baker
to goldenrod Abel.

The rest of NASA
rushes to the scene.

Goldenrod baker
to goldenrod Abel.

[Crow hums "sanford and son"]

Goldenrod baker
to goldenrod Abel.

Uh, hold on, we're switching
all power to the radio.

If it's Gary, I'm not here.

- Did you find it?
- Came down about

three miles east
of Walker's pass.

Area 116 or 117 on your map.

How bad is he?

You ever see stroganoff?

You're certain?

No respiration,
no heartbeat, no pulse.

He came down pretty hard.

The rocket unit's
still in one piece.

Oh, thank god.

Everything else
is scattered around

- for about half a mile.
- Including Bob.

Tell Donna to cover
the entire area.

Canaveral will want
all the visual data

we can give them.

Oh, and, uh,
don't move anything

till we get there.

Goldenrod baker, out.

Look, a frog.

Terribly sorry, Julie--

but you're gonna
have to scootch over.

I can understand
how you feel.

I lost a husband once.

But we can't let it interfere
with the work we have to do.

We both knew it was
a calculated risk.

So, arby's everyone?

I'll be all right, doctor.

Oh, I'm fine, too.
Don't even ask.

Let's get going.

This is back when NASA

was family-owned
and operated.

Before this decade is out,

we will put a man
in a pick-up truck

and bring him safely
to mendocino county.

It's great how they can
run the space program

and then sell corn
from their flatbed truck.

- Dave?
- What should I do
with my gum?

--The composition
of this mud.

Don't play, honey.

Dr. Wyman wants you
to get full coverage

on the entire area.

I don't wanna take
a dumb picture.

This was your first project
under Dr. Wyman, wasn't it?

Oh, I've been
under him before.

Yeah.

I helped design
the jettison unit

that didn't work.

Then remember that other thing
that didn't work?

On a project like this, there's
always a margin for error.

- You expect it.
- Especially when it's you
working on it.

Then when it comes,
you find you really

didn't expect it after all.

Who knew we needed fuel?

You think Julie expected it?

With his engagement ring
on her finger?

Not sure what
I meant by that, but...

John corcoran
was the first man

to be sent up in a satellite

and ejected back to earth.

And he was supposed
to come back alive.

Stupid jerk.

Let's check the rest of it.

Look, Dave.

Look.

Don't blame yourself.

The answer lies
in this wreckage.

Let's re-check
the crash pattern.

No, let's just go.

[Mike groans]

Huh?

Oh, no, Steve, not now.

Hey, the rug is escaping.

Well, this is like
night of the ground squirrel.

Hello? [Servo whistles]

Blood beast?

[Servo whistles]

Oh no! Patrick Stewart
fell into quicksand.

- And action.
- [All laugh]

Hi, NASA!

[Crow chuckles] Hi-- oh.

Hey, that's funny.
- What's that?

This rip was smaller
when we first got here.

Would the stress
of settling into the ground

- have widened it?
- Um, yes?

How could that be?
The entire hull is made

of magniridium alloy.

I'd like to examine the body
before we bring it out.

I'll need to be nude.

Watch you don't
cut yourself, doctor.

[Servo as Elmer Fudd]
Be vewy careful with my hat.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, it's a nice little quonset
hut spaceship he's got.

Honey,
your mother's worried.

Why aren't you
getting up for school?

Okay, let's see.
Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

[Servo mimics spine cracking]

Did he have a skull
when we sent him up?

At least they can
strip him for parts.

- Ow!
- Doctor Benson,
come here quickly.

Bring my bag.

Ted never asks me
for his bag at home.

[Servo chuckles]

Oh man, she's getting it.

Thanks, I, uh,
need my tennis shoes.

Boy, this is cool.
This is just like alien autopsy.

Oh, yeah.

I want you to see this.

Look how dead he is.

Yeah, it's probably
an out-patient thing.

How long would you say
he's dead?

Oh, let's see--
ever since I've known him?

Been at least three hours,
since the crash.

Over three hours and no sign
of body rigidity.

Well, that's nothing new.

No skin discoloration.

Temperature feels normal.

Well, let's give him
more time to die.

No dilation whatsoever.

Cause of death must
be due to an internal rupture.

He should've worn a cup.

I've never seen
an internally-damaged body

with no sign of rigor mortis
after so long.

And I love it!

Let's get him
back to the lab,

so we can continue
the examination.

Is your freezer empty?

...a layer of fudge
on this capsule.

It's a girl.

Look at this-- mealworms.

I could raise these
and make good money at home.

Help Dr. Wyman.

He wants to take John
back to the lab.

Sphagnum peat moss!

- Dave?
- That's really gross.

Get a blanket.

Yep, I'll drive this
back to NASA.

It all started at
a 500-watt radio station

in Fresno, California.

Please, no terrorists.

[Along with score]
* this area

* restricted area

[Mike mimics drums]

* trespassers

* are shot on sight

* by order

* of the government

NASA's fruit truck
makes a delivery.

I have to question whether

this is really
a government operation.

Well, we had to snap him
in two like a frozen dog

to get him out
of the space capsule,

- but--
- wow.

How's this work?

Hello, everglade?
Hello, everglade?

This is goldenrod.
This is goldenrod.

How do you receive, over?

I'm putting a burrito
in the microwave.

You guys want anything?

That's another question.

- Are we transmitting?
- Hmm.

If they don't receive
anything from US,

they won't try and reach US
until the frequency check

- at nine o'clock.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm, what should I wear
to a funeral?

Hmm.

Anyone want sandwiches?

I'm heading into town.

Huh, it's a little
low on air.

[All laugh]

By all medical standards,
this man is dead.

Oh, just like before, then.

No heartbeat,
no respiration.

Never seen a man so dead.

But his tissues
refuse to dissipate.

Well, I'm gonna make 'em.

It's possible
he could be in a...

Kind of catatonic state?

Could he still be alive?

No, get out.
- Perhaps a form
of hypometabolism.

- That's impossible.
- Maybe he's dead.

His heart has stopped.
There's no circulation.

You know as well as I do
that when this process stops,

the brain starts
to deteriorate almost at once.

Within a matter
of three minutes, it dies.

It's like
he's dead or something.

Hello, everglade.
Hello, everglade.

This is goldenrod.
This is goldenrod.

How do you receive, over?

I'm a photo-grapher.

Maybe after this one,
the radio silence

will switch over
to an emergency channel.

- I mean, that's what I'd do.
- I've already tried that.

How about the air force?

Maybe they're home.

Hello, air force emergency.

This is special c.Q.D.,

goldenrod station.

How do you receive, over?

Air force is so stuck-up.

- [Servo mimics radio whistle]
- Thing's all fouled up here.

I couldn't receive
the spot weather report

- [Mike groans]
- Are you sure
it's not your set?

No, I've already
checked everything.

Will you go out and ask Steve
to come in here a minute?

- Sure.
- Okay, Steve!

I could've done that.

Hello, everglade.
Hello, everglade.

This is goldenrod.
This is goldenrod.

Do you receive, over?

Well, he's still dead.

Nothing, doctor.

Hello, hanson.

Doctor.

He's got
señor wences disease.

Hey, look, jelly comes out.

It's not a lesion.

More like something had been

forced through the tissue.

Um, have you guys
seen my brush?

Steve?

- Yes?
- Yes?
- Yes?

The radio still won't work.

- Dave wants to see you.
- Okay.

I'll bet they're
going nuts at the cape.

Yeah, they're partiers,
whoo.

Get that radio
working, Steve.

We're gonna need assistance.

I'll keep fiddling
with the corpse.

Um, I found a chiclet.

Hey, she walked up twice.

Hi, have you been helped?

Hey, come here and help me
shake the candy machine.

What's the trouble?

I can't transmit across
the room with this thing.

Goldstar, huh?

- [Radio whines]
- [Servo mimics whine]

Sounds like
a magnetic disturbance.

Yeah, could be

the power lines
piled up outside.

What's happening in there?

- Eh, big spring dance.
- I don't know.

Somehow, we've gotta
get through to the cape.

Five hours overdue now.

I bet half the brass
in the state of Florida

- is up in arms.
- I hope not.

If enough people
find out about this.

We'll have
everybody up here.

- Where is up here?
- I'll check the tower.

You stay here and keep trying
to get through, will you?

All right, taking you up
to news-time with the chucker.

Look, if you pick up anything,
give a yell, eh?

Right.

Sure-- ram it, clown.

He's getting deader.

Blood pressure 120 over 80.

Normal for a living man.

That's impossible, doctor.
You must've made a mistake.

But doctor,
I checked it twice.

But you're a girl doctor.

This man does

it's as if he's dead.

That's impossible.

Inconceivable!

Take a blood sample,
I'll take a radiation count.

Heh, ladder
that same evening.

- Don't.
- Well, you do it, i--

msr. Fawlty,

she so crazy, she hit me.

Blood beast?

Okay, there. I fixed it.

[Crow giggles]

Hey, you guys,
ladder's loose again.

Goldenrod to everglade.

Goldenrod to everglade.

Come in, everglade, over.

Restricted changing area.

I wanna find
our picnic stuff.

Goldenrod to everglade,
come in, everglade!

This is an emergency.

You see?

Everglade, you dickweeds.

This is a stupid
space program.

I'm gonna go work for
my uncle's space program.

[Servo growls]

The outhouse is connected

to the main breaker at NASA.

[Crow giggles]

Now, you stay in there,
Mr. Power.

Very interesting.

Steve?

Not everybody is Steve.

Steve, Steve, cut it out!

Da-da-do! Da-da-da-do!

Pew-pew-pew-pew! Da-do!

And the steves are there.

Steve one, you go that way.

Steve two, come with me.

This has "Steve"
written all over it.

Uh-oh, undercupping.

Something hit me.
It was big, like a bear.

- Was it a bear?
- --Out of the darkness.

It was heading for the lab.

I know I put a couple of shots
in it before I went down.

Wounded animal
that large isn't good.

How well are we armed?

Well, besides these pistols,
we've got a couple of rifles.

I think it headed toward
the back of the building.

- Dave--
- who's Dave?
- Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah. Yeah, just clipped me.

- [Metal clatter]
- Steve?

Inside.

[Crow mimics score]

Come on,
we're late for biology.

[Crow sings
"dance of the hours"]

- Wait a minute.
- I'll get the costumes.

You guys be the Yankees,
and we'll be the Nazis.

Ooh, neat, did you
get this at pier one?

Yeah, that and a 10k really
lights up the place.

[Servo mimics score]

Steve?

Steve?

Shh, don't wake up dad,
he's in a really bad mood.

At the windows.

Donna, get
the other lanterns.

Let's talk fast for
the rest of the movie.

Did it get to him?

No.

What do you think it was?

This didn't
come off any bear.

Bring the light over here,
will you?

Oh, that's mine.
My back has been

flaking off like crazy.

No fur, no blood.

No disco! No fooling around.

Very much like leather.

Can I go home?

Is the power out completely?

No, just partly--
of course it's out completely.

Yes, it is.

Do you have any idea
what caused it?

Could be a break
in the cable or the dam,

or a short-circuit
one of the transformers.

Dave, are you sure the building
was thoroughly checked?

Are the wiring
and the fuses all right?

I went over everything
thoroughly.

I checked everything.

I-- I'll check again.

Maybe they shouldn't've
launched a rocket

while the dryer was running.

Nothing's wrong here.

Like I said, it's probably
the disturbance up at the dam.

Well, Steve needs some help
boarding the window.

Get Steve on it.

There, all set in case
the birds attack US.

Well, at least
we won't freeze.

Unless it gets really cold.

Think a place like this would
be equipped with heating.

Up till a few months ago,

this was a radar-monitoring
station.

Before that,
it was a car wash.

The oversensitive
instruments

respond better
to cooler atmosphere.

- Systolic is 140.
- Just lay off.

I'll have a blood sample
for you in a few minutes.

- Make it two.
- I think it'll take an hour

before they realize we're
incommunicado and send aid.

With a security operation
as tight as this,

maybe another 12 hours.

That could mean
we could be here another day.

Ouch.

Everything's so little.

Oh, tiny fried eggs.

Who ordered theirs
sunny-side up?

Doctor! Doctor!

Oh, wait, nevermind.

I've never seen
anything quite like it.

I've never seen
a saltine up close.

- [All laugh]
- Notice the way
it's fighting the others.

My god, I'm pregnant.

- One-two-three-go!
- Yeah, you got him.

[Servo laughs]

[Both strain]

Whoa-- ahh.

Ahem. Ha-hem.

Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!

Uncle! Uncle!

Uh, hi, uh, Mrs. Forrester.

You're looking nice today.

Yeah, right. Look, kids,

my Clayton has something
he wants to say to you.

Don't you, Clayton?

- I do?
- Yes, you do, young man.

Now you come right here,
front and center,

and you tell your
little friends what you did.

Uh, mother, don't talk
to the experiment.

- You'll taint the data.
- You come here--

- [Clayton grunts]
- And apologize.

Mother, apologize for what?
What did I do?

Don't take that tone with me.

I think you know.

The high school incident?

Oh, I'm sure I have no idea
what you're talking about.

- Clayton?
- Mother?

- Clay?
- Oh...

Uh, was it the time
I ate the bag of wool?

No, the bad thing.

Oh, uh, I peed
in Brian falong's locker.

No.

I, uh...

I puked cocoa puffs
and hot chocolate

into Kevin McConnell's
jacket--

no.

Uh, is it poop-related?

Clayton, you know
very well what it is,

and I think
you will feel better

if you just admit it
and apologize.

Mother, make it stop.

Clayton Deborah

Susan forrester.

All right, mom--
all right, come on.

You and me, come on.
We will dance. Come on.

You want a piece of me?
Huh? Come on.

Huh?

Hah!

- [Gunshot]
- Ow! Jeez!

Ahh. Oh.

Oh! Jeez!

- [Gunshot]
- D'oh! Nice shooting,
mother.

- [Gunshot]
- Oh!

Mother... blood.

Aren't you hooligans

due back into the theater?

- [All] Aah!
- [Alarm blares]

[All shout]

Seven hours, and his blood
is still alive.

Steve, you can still lead
a full and productive life.

Just reminded of when
my turtle died, that's all.

[Mike sighs]

What I'm about to say
might sound strange,

but I think we should
eat this corpse.

[Servo chuckles]

One of US will have to drive
to the nearest telephone

and call the cape.
Every minute counts.

- What is it?
- There's a cartoon
in the microscope.

I've seen amoebic dominance
of the cell structure before.

But this is completely
out of proportion.

Well, what are they?
What do they mean?

Well, normal blood
has two basic cells.

Duh.

And the white
fight infection.

- But this blood has three.
- Hmm.

The third cell,
that big one.

Remember that one?
The big one? He had the hair?

That's completely foreign
to any blood structure.

God, I'm in a funk.

If that bacterioid
is contagious,

then we've all been exposed.

- Bacterioid?
- I doubt if it's communicable.

We'd better get
to the nearest town fast.

- Okay, bye.
- I imagine that'd be
desert city.

But that's over 30 miles.

Isn't there anything closer?

There's gotta be
a pizza hut nearby.

There's nothing on the map.

- Steve--
- I'm gonna kill myself.

Call the cape
from desert city.

Get in touch with, uh,

Dr. Zimmerman.

Don't go into detail.

Just tell them to get here
as quickly as they can.

And what about equipment?

Yeah, get some of that too,
I suppose.

Well, we need
a new power supply.

A refrigerated truck
or an ambulance

to transport the body.

- Oh, and uh--
- get yourself something nice.

Tell him to request
priority clearance

directly to Walter Reed
hospital in Washington.

Right. I'll be back
as soon as I can.

Oh, and, uh,
snacks and brews,

a couple of sandwiches,
and a thing of waxworms.

Keep checking
the blood pressure, doctor.

The last count
was 140 over 80.

What a selfish thing to say.

That's all we can do
at the present.

I'm gonna go walk
in front of a bus.

What's the point
of all this?

Look at those
little guys go.

Would you turn
the light off in the hall?

Oh, so, like,
a blood beast

can dismantle
a distributor cap?

Time to dance, blood beast.

I bet it's those nuns
from the sound of music.

Steve?

Steve?

Any luck with the Jeep?

I can't figure it out.

Coils in both the truck
and the Jeep are burnt out.

That's the most insulting thing
you've ever said to me.

Hmm.

I suppose
I should apologize.

Yeow!

Oh, oh.

Anyway,
thanks for listening.

Look, we missed
the first half of friends.

They're both stopped.

Everything's going wrong
in this movie.

He's an odd little man.

I just developed a picture,
everyone.

Um, if you're looking
for that one thing,

Barb moved it.

Steve, Steve and I have
something to tell you.

- Take a look.
- This was in my tuna.

We're in a magnetic
force field.

- A what?
- A net of static electricity

is surrounding
the entire area.

- That's why
our power's dead.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, we're not going
anywhere tonight.

The truck and the Jeep
are burned out electrically.

What would cause
a thing like that?

- God hates US.
- There's a very powerful
magnetic source

- somewhere nearby.
- Oh.

It's reversing all positive
electrical power.

You sly boots.

Dr. Wyman, how close
is the satellite compartment?

- Who cares?
- Two, maybe three miles.

Just thinking, is it possible
that the compartment

could be bombarded
with electron particles?

It could be.
It's happened before.

- On some of the earlier
smart farms--
- snarf farm?

When the missiles
came back to earth,

- they were pretty
heavily magnetized.
- [All giggle]

There's a mountain range
between US and the compartment.

Yeah, well, there
doesn't seem to be

any logic
behind any of this.

Well, here's something to
complicate things even more.

I took these upside-down.

Look at the shot I took when
Dave and I first got out there.

Look at it closely.

Dave, remember I mentioned
the strange mud?

- Yes?
- Hmm?

Well, this was
the last shot taken.

Most of the mud
has disappeared,

- and the opening is larger.
- Hmm.

Yes, I remember that
when we took John

out of the compartment.

But at the time,
it didn't seem important.

Someone or something
must've been there.

Saw a huge,
blood-sucking alien,

but I didn't think
it was important, either.

Ah, I'm gonna
go kill myself again.

I don't know why...

Steve? Steve?

Hey, anyone
remember pringles?

There's an explanation
and a good one for all of this.

- Elves.
- There must be.

Hold on, i--
I guess there's not.

Some of the things
that have occurred today

or without precedent.

Ah, just ignore me.

There's a man in there alive
that should be dead.

Something that's
never happened before.

Well, once, but he had
the wind at his back.

We've never sent a man
so far into space before--

with so little food
and no air.

Well, we're all tired.

- Disappointed--
- stupid.

We're under
a terrible strain.

I feel good.

After this long,
the cape has probably

contacted the Pentagon.
It's just a matter of time.

What if they
can't get through?

The magnetic force-field
works both ways.

Okay, so I'm wrong.

Well, in the morning, one of US
will have to hike down

and meet them.

As a precautionary measure,
I suggest we all

- stay in this room tonight.
- I'll lay on Sharon.

Dave and I will take turns
watching corcoran.

Hey, you're taller
than last year, honey.

[Julie sobs]

- Condescend, condescend.
- Julie. Julie.

I'm sorry, doctor.

It's just, I can't
hold it back any longer.

I have to overact.

I wish there was
something I could say.

I guess I just said that.

I'll listen if you like.

* girl, you'll be
a woman soon *

--losing someone you love.

The unknown, and being--

[servo sobs wildly]

Alex, I don't--

you know, my gown opens
from the rear.

Julie.

Say, hello.

Julie?

He alone stood on
the threshold of our future.

And he peed it down his leg.

What happened to him today,

we may learn more
than we've ever known.

We've learned not to send
polacks into space.

Whoo.

Maybe I should just listen.

There'll be other steves.

He's already gone...

Ooh, mama, that is so sweet.

But is he dead?

Look, let's not make
a federal case out of this.

Well, the listening thing
went over like a lead balloon.

Scientists--
the more we learn,

the more we realize
there is to learn.

- Scientists?
- Life itself is
the greatest miracle.

Well...

When we get him
to the hospital tomorrow,

maybe we'll know.

Uh, oh, my adenoids, ugh.

Could you massage
my front now?

- Good night, doctor.
- Good night, Julie.

Just three little ties
in the back, slips right off.

[Mike laughs]

Well, I just needed
to talk to somebody.

I've been a little down.
Thanks a lot.

You need one of these, huh?

Oh, here comes
the nutty part.

[Servo mimics
whoopie cushion]

- That's an easy one.
- Oh, come on.

Let's see where--
"twas brillig

and the slithy toves,"

oh, what the hell
am I thinking?

Martha Graham!

Who put my sweater
in the dryer?

[Low creaking]

Sorry.

Wait...

There's one last piece
of carrot cake,

and I'm gonna have it.

[Servo chuckles]

Hey.

Did you put
the blood beast out?

There's something in there.

Be vewy quiet.

We're hunting bwood beasts.

[Elmer Fudd chuckle]

The lights are out.

Loin chop?
No, I don't think so.

Huh?

Ew, the patient
has blown a gasket.

Yuck.

Hi, we're looking for
an honest man.

- Dr. Wyman.
- Put some pants on.

--His head's gone.

No, that's
his hinder, Steve.

Yep, it's the dismount
that always impales him.

Wow.

Dr. Wyman!

You march straight down
from there, mister.

There's nothing you can do.

Unless you know
where his face is.

Another long scene
in here should help.

Must've taken the body.

Whatever it is,
it works fast.

- Provides soothing relief.
- Let's take him down.

You said he could
stay up till new year's,

and that means
Christmas is over.

I forgot to tell him
that Rhonda called.

That Rhonda called.

Oh god, I slipped
on his face, ew.

Oh. Oh god.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Oh, I just blew all over
the operating room.

[Servo retches]

Well, welcome back

to the land
of the living, mister.

- Steve.
- What, he-Steve
or me-Steve?

Help him to the table.

Let's shoot him
back into space

and see what happens.

How about hello?
Hi? Anything?

Johnny.

Oh, Steve's name is Johnny.

You're all right.

Julie...

I don't know.

I don't know.

I think so.

Can I have an eskimo pie?

Where's Dr. Wyman?

I hadn't finished his head.

What happened?

Suppose you tell US
what happened.

Julie, what happened
to Dr. Wyman?

He's dead.

Thank you, Julie.

- Hey, wait up.
- Why are you staring at me?

You don't think that I had
anything to do with it.

- Johnny.
- Aka Steve.

We're just as confused
as you are.

Did you see anything?

Was there anybody in the room
with you and Dr. Wyman?

I don't know.

I don't wanna hear
"I don't know," mister!

Last thing I remember--

* I was headed for the door

I was making my descent.

The jets didn't take hold--
when I finally

released the drag chute,
it didn't hold.

I was too close to the ground.

You crashed.

You're so full of it.

You don't remember?

I seemed to be floating.

In a warm, black mist.

Ah, we gave you
a pudding bath.

Oh, my head--

my achy, breaky head.

- My neck.
- Have you seen it?

Oh, no.

Look at that.

- The same Mark.
- I told him not
to pick at that.

Oh, did that thing pop?

Hey, it's old pizza back.

[All laugh]

See, I got a little nutty
with a wood chisel.

What's this?

You think I'm Steve,
don't you?

Tell me what's happening.

John...

You don't understand.

We thought you were dead.

And, frankly, we're getting
pretty used to the idea.

Yeah, we sold off
your organs.

What do you mean, dead?

Don't yell at US.

When we pulled you
out of the compartment,

your body had completely
ceased to function.

What do you mean,
compartment?

A hypometabolistic state.

- Oh, no.
- A type of...

- Suspended animation.
- No, no-no-no.

- You were dead.
- Brought on...

By the contraction
of the mesentary blood vessels.

It's so sad.

That kind of terminology--
I'd expect it from Dr. Wyman,

- not from you.
- You wash your mouth out
with soap.

Well, it seemed like
the natural diagnosis.

From Dr. Wyman, yes.

In some way,
I think Dr. Wyman

is influencing me.

I think he may
be a part of me now.

Can you be dead again?

[Servo chuckles]

I don't really think that.

I don't understand.

You've got to help me!

Help me!

Fantastic--
it's unbelievable.

Things like this
just don't happen.

This is helping.

[Crow groans]

Thank you.

Really.

Thank you.

I'm not afraid.

- I'm not afraid.
- Afraid not am I.

It didn't come here
to destroy.

Johnny, try to tell US.

What didn't come here
to destroy US?

No more questions.
More boobies.

[Crow sobs]

He all right?

Oh, this one's not as nice.

- They're gone.
- My brownies are gone.

I've got a bassoon
if we need one.

What are you talking about?

Come see for yourself.

You big, dumb, dead guy.

Sit down.

[All mimic
car engines, horns]

Normal in every respect.

Four hours ago, it was populated

with alien amorphic
cell structures.

They mean to win wimbledon.

I think we should see
what I look like under the
fluoroscope.

Yeah, that'll
kill some time.

[Crow giggles]

Put a shirt on while
you're at it.

How will it work
with the power out?

It operates on
a radium cathode tube.

Oh.

Wow, he's loaded
with shrimp.

[All laugh]

The amorphic cell structures
have expanded to--

Jacksonville!

They're using his body
for a breeding ground.

You're not gonna
harm them, are you?

What do you mean?

We don't even know
what they are.

The one thing we do know
is that they're alien

- to the human body.
- Young man.

Somehow, they must've come down
with you in the compartment.

You're gross.

They were microscopic.

We've got to do something.

If you destroy them,

you destroy me.

* steves don't preach

* I'm in trouble deep

you know what?
I think I get

hush puppies and Cole slaw
with these.

You can't destroy them.

- I'll take care of them.
- Why not?

That's why not.

Kramer! I love him.

Barney's been in a fire!

* I love you

* you burned me

Steve, don't shoot,
it won't hurt you!

- Steve, don't shoot!
- Stop shooting.

Don't shoot!
It won't hurt you!

This is no way
to meet the in-laws.

Ah boy, you know,
you marry the whole family, huh?

- Yeah, yeah.
- That's true.

Not the copier!

My resume was in there!

Hey, look, I'm really sorry.

I thought Johnny told you
I was dropping by.

Oh, oh boy.

Can't stop me from
seeing my children.

Come back here, you varmink!

You stupid wall!
Stupid wall!

Stupid, stupid wall.

Come here, you little tramp.

When I think of
the blood beast's hands

all over you...

It's burned, but it got away,
didn't it?

It didn't go very far.

It's gone.
It was burnt pretty bad.

I think we oughta track it down
and make sure it's dead.

No, let's wait for help.

We can't possibly combat
that thing by ourselves.

Look, nobody's gotten to US,
and nobody probably will

until it's destroyed.

Why does it have
to be killed?

Don't you think he's cute?

Why are we always
so quick to destroy?

It's-- it's an alien.

It's the first of its kind
to come to the earth.

John, you know what
it's done to you.

Breeding its young
in your body.

You saw what it did
to Dr. Wyman.

Isn't that reason enough?
It has to be killed.

I don't understand,
it didn't come in malice.

It could've killed
all of you earlier,

but it was me it was after.

And I loved
every minute of it!

It's gotta come back to me.

- To nourish its young.
- That's weird, Steve.

All the more reason
to destroy it.

Suppose it is still alive.
Bullets don't harm it.

I got it handled, Steve.

Fire seems to.

A very pistol.
It has an engulfing flame

plus a delayed explosion.

- Fairy pistol?
- It's better than a lantern.

- Very pistol?
- Flare gun.

At short range,
it'll chop down anything.

There's some in the cabinet
in the hall, I'll get them.

No, Dave, you can't!

Listen, you can't
kill a living creature

without giving it a chance
to justify itself.

- [Johnny groans]
- Oh, sorry. Hormones.

Let's put him in there.

Ah, yeah,
grandma's old room.

Well, I'll try to raise them

as if they're
my very own shrimp.

Uh, yeah, just lay him
on the ironing board.

[All laugh]

So, Julie, guess he wasn't

getting enough at home, huh?

- Julie?
- [Mike laughs]

Can you give him something
to keep him quiet?

Sodium amytal.

- Good.
- Or you could just
turn on cartoons.

We'll leave you here
to watch him.

Donna will come with US--

we're gonna need
photographic coverage.

This is going
right in my eye.

Will that really keep him out
till we get back?

I don't know.

Under normal circumstances,

this should
render him unconscious

for at least twelve hours.

But this isn't
a normal person.

This is no ordinary Steve.

What you and he were
to each other.

Has no bearing on
what he is now, Julie.

Actually, it was pretty
lukewarm.

I'm not worried.

He's not dangerous.

Not to me, anyway.

Except when
the packers lose.

Well, we can't
take any chances.

That creature eludes US
and comes back here,

or if he gives you
a bad time,

you'd better know
how to use a very pistol.

Believe me, Julie,

he's not the same man
you were engaged to.

Here's your
frankenberry pistol.

Thanks-- let me have one
for Julie, will you?

There you go.

Oh, don't worry.

We run into any trouble,

we're not gonna be heroes.

- Now, who's Rose?
- Just pull the hammer back--

and blow my head off.

Just be back
as soon as you can.

Nope.

Hmm, god, this feels
great in my hand.

I've got to kill something.

Don't make any sudden moves,
honey bunch.

Steve, I need
to iron a blouse.

Could you sleep
somewhere else?

You know, he's really
not showing that much.

* edelweiss

* edelweiss

[servo hums]

Well, I can't find
the blood beast,

but I see the beast
of yucca flats.

If it got this far,
it's a lot healthier than I am.

You know, i--
I think it's leading US

back to the compartment.

- I heard a birdie.
- Yeah, it looks that way.

How long do you think
we've been out?

Well, Tom came out last year,
and then Steve was gonna...

Look, my watch
is running again!

Mine's not, you femme.

Mine too.

That means that

it must be dead.

So what're we all
looking at?

We'd better make certain.

If we throw
a shower for Steve,

can there be egg salad?

Look, a lupin.

Ah, blood beast
is doing his laundry.

- See?
- Uh-huh.
- Up there.

George said if I ever
got in trouble

to come back here
to the place by the crick.

Cliff has Billy idol hair.

Blood beast!
[Crow whistles]

Blood beast?
[Crow whistles]

Buddy?

Imagine how much lower we'd be
if we were down there.

- Hello?
- Wow.

Are we camping?
Is this camping, you guys?

You know,
I never went camping,

but one time
we went to north Dakota,

when I was little,
to visit uncle Ron.

He had a horse,
and it stepped on me.

I think it was a horse.

Um, if we do have a shower,
we could probably

get stuff that's
green or yellow,

cause even if they
are boys or girls,

they can still use them.
And you don't--

if aliens even have sex.
I don't think they have it.

- 'Cause--
- well, seems like the most
likely place for it to go.

Yeah, I don't see anything.

Maybe it's on the inside.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Donna, you stay here
until we're sure it's safe.

Dave, you circle the left,
and I'll go to the right.

Check.

Maybe I should've gotten
the purple blouse.

I don't know...

Stay, Donna. Stay there
completely alone.

That'll-- that's best, uh...

I had a naughty thought.

[Servo mimics dog whining]

You know, a blood beast
can outrun a quarter horse

for the first fifty yards.

Maybe if they
had a bloodhound.

[Others laugh]

God, his droppings
are enormous.

Move 'em out.

I got skunked
on blood beast,

but it's a great day
to be out in the woods.

[Mike hums with score]

Ooh, the blood beast
is making jerk chicken.

Mm.

Nothing could possibly
live through that.

And we know for sure
it's in there.

Look, it's stopped again.

- Hey, Steve!
- [Crow giggles]

No, stay there.
Stay all alone.

I ought to get some pictures

before there's
nothing left to show.

Sure, you can use it.

[Screams]

Sigmund the sea monster's
got me!

He couldn't possibly...

He could live
if he's not in there.

Mannix!

Double mannix!

Our plan is going perfectly!

Hey mister, a little help.

Could we have
our woman back?

Hey, good place
to get lucky, under there.

[All laugh]

[Servo hums with score]

Oh, baby, I was misnamed.

I'm really the love beast.

Hold it!
He's gonna kill her.

Fire over its head!

You think i'm-- oh, I see!

Huh? Huh?

I regret nothing!

[Servo laughs]

- You hurt?
- No thanks, I just was.

It could've killed me,

but it didn't.

Probably would if
we hadn't chased it off.

Might've wound up
like Wyman.

- Bill Wyman?
- We'd better get back.

- I panicked.
- Julie's all alone,

and the monster may try
and contact corcoran again.

Yeah, let's go.

Hey, it's one of those guns
that says "bang."

* Janie got a gun

whoa, he is showing.

- Ah, jeez! No no no!
- Oh my god!

- No, I can see
every contour!
- No!

Oh my god, make it go away.

And god bless grandma,

and please don't let
the alien babies

eat me in my sleep,
thank you. Amen. Thanks.

Howdy, ma'am.

Don't be afraid, Julie.

Look, can I make you
a shirt?

I'm not gonna hurt you.

It's just the way
my pants fit.

That wasn't meant for you.

That was for the creature,
or whatever it is.

You can call him the creature,
it doesn't offend him.

Don't stare at me, Julie.

And don't look at my area.

I'm sorry, John.

I'm sorry that you
look like Andrew McCarthy.

If what you say is true,
and I've been dead--

will I still get calls
from citibank?

I don't know
what this means for US,

but I haven't
changed in my feeling.

I need sexual healing.

Julie, we're all
afraid of the unknown.

You don't understand
what's happened to me,

and because there's
an unknown being,

you want to destroy it.

But isn't it possible that

what's taking place
is for a purpose.

Logical positivist.

Why not let the creature
have a chance

to tell US why it's here?

But it broke in
and attacked US.

It killed Dr. Wyman.
It's done this to you.

- He shrimped you.
- We had to do something.

Now the others have gone
to make sure it's dead.

Oh, it's not dead.

And they won't
be able to find it.

- Hmm?
- How do you know?

- Um, stuff?
- [Mike laughs]

Julie, I am the one who's had
the most contact with it.

No duh.

Something foreign
is inside me.

- Alive.
- I'm filled with scampi.

If there was
any cause for fear,

wouldn't I know it?

But I'm not afraid.

This creature
is intelligent.

It wants something.

We've got to
give it a chance

to communicate with US.

Here's your
count chocula pistol.

Did he nibble at your neck
like I used to?

Did he know all the little
things you like?

Oh god,
I don't wanna hear it.

[Crow mouth-breathes]

- Whoa, somebody
lose a toenail?
- Whoo.

We're sending you
to stay with relatives

until this
whole thing blows over.

I see the sedative
didn't work.

My bodily reactions

aren't those
of a normal person.

- I'm Italian.
- What happened
to the creature?

- It got away.
- Then it's alive.

He told me it would be.

- Somehow he knew.
- He's a witch!

He seemed so sure
that it's not evil.

This isn't a battle
between men

and a non-reasoning being.

Can't you see
it doesn't want to kill

for the sake of killing?

It could've done away with all
of US earlier if it wanted to.

Until we discovered
its fear of fire.

- Listen--
- [Mike mumbles]

When you were out checking
the power lines last night,

all you had with you
was a pistol,

but you fired at it
with no effect.

If it had been a wild animal,
it would've tried to kill you
before moving on.

- That mole.
- Can you account for what
happened to Dr. Wyman?

He fell against
the coffee table.

No, I can't.

But maybe it could,
if we gave it the chance.

Why should we
give it a chance?

- Sorry.
- It's already
committed murder.

It's done i-don't-know-what
to you, and it's attacked Donna.

Donna omitted for clarity.

Look,

if you were in a strange place,
and you were trying

to communicate
with the inhabitants,

but every time you tried,

they made a move
against you.

The only way
to break through to them

would be to take a hostage.

Can't you see that's
what it's been doing?

It's been acting out of fear
and self-preservation.

It wants to
communicate with US,

but it doesn't know how.

We've got to
give it a chance.

- What do you have in mind?
- A sleepover!

It's obvious the creature
keeps coming back to me

because part of it
is inside of me.

Part of him
was inside you, yeah.

Why not let me
lead US to it?

In the daylight
in the open.

Maybe he's got something.

Yeah, sea monkeys.

When we were out
searching for the creature,

- our watches
started running again.
- Oh boy.

Then, when we
encountered it,

they stopped.

On our way back here,
they became active again.

And now everything's dead.

You're the only one
interested in this, Steve.

Now, it's my guess that
the magnetic disturbance

originated from
two different locations.

- Well.
- Boy.

- One for the creature--
- * one more for the road

and then from you.

It might be the only thing
that's keeping you alive.

Herbal life
is keeping him alive.

If my life has been
given back to me,

it's for a purpose.

Trust me.

And we'll learn why.

If the creature isn't
what you believe it to be,

and we're forced to kill it,

then we have no indication
of what will happen to you.

- I know.
- Let's review.

- What're we talking about?
- That's why it's important

for the creature
to make itself known

before we take any action.

All right, but if
we follow Johnny's plan,

we still have
to be prepared.

- Mm-hmm.
- We have no way of knowing
what can happen to him.

I felt it kick!

Remember.

We've agreed to give
the creature every opportunity

to prove itself.

In the morning, we still agree
to follow Johnny's plan.

We'll get an early start.

At that time,
maybe help will arrive.

Dave and I will stand guard.

The rest of you,
get as much sleep as you can.

Will it come back
here tonight?

Well, we didn't have a date,

but he stops by
most evenings.

I don't know.

Okay, and the plan is?

[Mike laughs]

So, uh, why a trapeze?

I don't know.

I'm gonna go get
a livewell for my babies.

All right?

At least this
is better than junior.

Mom, dad, little red guy.

I have something
to tell you.

I have lain with blood beast,
and I am pregnant.

Don't believe me? Here,
look at the fluoroscope.

Oh, sure.

Fluoroscope?

Five? Oh my gosh.

Please, don't make this
any harder than it is.

We're in love,
and you can't stop US.

He's going to work at stokely's
until the end of the summer,

and then he's going
to move in with US.

Gee, crow, they kind of look
like peal-and-eat shrimp.

- Thank you.
- Do you need a glass of water?

Uh, crow, how did
this happen, anyway?

Oh, me, a blood beast,
a bottle of wine.

Would you like a pickle?

You know, crow, i--

I don't really believe
you're pregnant.

Mike, I'm crowning
right now, as we speak.

[Gypsy shrieks]

Alrighty then, I'm pregnant.

Could be complications.

Here, I've got
a list of demands.

Oh, okay. Just--

let's take a look here.
Uh, "complete bedrest,

"with comic books
and videos.

Servo must clean my room,
and I get all his food"?

Hey! Crow,
you're not pregnant.

You haven't even got a womb.

And I think you're
supposed to give me

a baby shower
right about now.

- What do you think, huh?
- Crow, you're not preg--

I mean, how would you
even have a baby?

Why don't you just admit
you're not pregnant?

Okay, okay,
I'm not pregnant.

Hey, everybody,
I'm not pregnant!

Oh, that means I don't
get a big free ride!

Oh, my ankles are swollen!

My back hurts!

Carry me!
I'm pregnant! Carry me!

Well, I want a cut
of the action too, damn it!

- Crow.
- Yeah, well,

who wouldn't
wanna be pregnant, huh?

Who wouldn't wanna
be a big load

on the rest of the world?

Hey, everybody,
I'm queen of the world,

because I'm pregnant!

Then the whole world
is supposed

to bend over and smooch

- your ever-widening a--
- crow, crow!

- Crow, crow.
- Oh, jeez. Jeez.

Well, when is it my turn?

When is it
crow t. Robot's turn?

[Crow sobs]

We'll be right back.

[Crow sobs]

- You're fine.
- Oh, no.

My water broke.

So, anyway, I trusted
that eagle scout,

and he let me down.

- Steve.
- What is it, Steve?

I'm a little worried about
Johnny's plan.

- So am I.
- Hard to trust a guy
not named Steve.

I don't know if it's
responsible for his actions.

And he's putting on
too much weight.

I think it might be a trap.

If it is,

this time we're gonna
be prepared-- come on.

I think Johnny's lying
about the babies

and just wants
the alien to marry him.

Bread and butter pickles?

How about
a molotov cocktail?

Uh, it's pretty early,
I mean--

we fill it with gasoline

and then use it
as a hand grenade.

Now, that's the ticket.
We could saturate the creature

and detonate it
with a very pistol.

There's no way
it could escape that.

Yeah, nothing could
live through that.

So, what do you think?

How many bombs
are we gonna make?

Well, between US, we ought
to be able to carry about six.

My god, you are mad.

What are we gonna do
with the girls?

Take them with US.

Better than leaving them
here unprotected.

I can carry three.

That's enough.

Are we gonna tell
Julie and Donna about this?

Eh, I think we'd better.

Make sure Johnny
doesn't find out, huh?

Yeah, let's keep it
between US steves.

[Servo whistles]

You ever seen
any of these work before?

King Oscar fish balls?

Yeah. In guadalcanal.

You bought a canal?

Well, a tank was
running wild behind our lines.

He knew we couldn't any much
damage with our rifles,

so he was playing
kind of a cat-and-mouse game.

'Cause he knew
he could finish US off.

God, you paint a picture.

Not far from where we were,
there was a truck overturned.

I came in and saw
what was happening.

Got the brilliant idea
to bring me some gasoline,

and made up some of these.

All the guys
really liked 'em.

That tank came by,
we smeared it but good.

Anyway, what was
your question?

Pretty horrible to see,
but it worked.

Then there was
the year I fainted

- before the talent contest.
- Yeah, well...

- It'd be good for me
to get off of this mountain.
- Mm-hmm.

Even with these cocktails,

I'm not anxious to tangle
with that creature again.

Well, none of US are,
but I don't think

we have any choice.

Came down in the satellite,
it's our responsibility.

Besides, it's...

Better stalk it than
have it come after US.

Yeah, that's my
dating policy.

You know,
you're probably right.

Even so, I wish we
could wait for some help.

I just don't like the idea

of taking Julie and Donna
with US.

Well, I don't either.

But we don't know
when help will arrive.

We can't leave them alone.

- Can't live without 'em.
- [All laugh]

I don't think Dr. Wyman's
gonna need the chin-up bar.

So NASA has one fully-equipped
hospital room.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, jeez,
look at this clown.

- Come on.
- Let's get him.

Hey, weirdo. Hey, freak.

How're the shrimps, weirdo?

- Freak boy.
- What're you doing here?

What're you doing
with Dr. Wyman's body?

Hey, I'm not into that.

I had to see
how he was killed.

- [Servo grunts]
- Half his head gone,

it's horrible.

I don't expect you
to trust me.

I don't even know
that I can trust myself.

Johnny? Honey? Hello?

I haven't done
anything wrong.

John, it's not a question
of right or wrong.

Maybe you're not
responsible for your actions.

Whether you are or not,
who knows what you might do?

- You're a woman in love.
- John, don't you--

don't you realize
this unknown creature

is using your body
as a breeding ground.

We don't know
what to expect.

He didn't use me.
I gave of myself freely.

I can't deny
anything you've said.

But you're a big fat liar.

I do receive impulses
from the creature, but...

I know I have free will, i--

I can still have a career.

I know I can still
make my own decisions.

Is it your own free will
or the creature's--

- hmm.
- That says it's benevolent?

I'm sorry, I was thinking
about the nursery-- what?

I'm not sure.

But I do know that we have
to give it a chance to explain.

Come on,
we're losing daylight.

I'll be in the car.

[Mike laughs]

Daylight will be here
in about three hours.

Better get some rest.

Especially you, young lady.
You've got a big day tomorrow.

If it's all the same to you,

stay here for a while.

Work on my wedding dress.

I'll get the bags.

This guy is way
over the edge.

All right.

[Servo chuckles]

We'll give it a chance.

Yeah, kablooey, okay?

[All laugh]

* he's once, twice

* three times
a blood beast *

yeah, the blood beast
got mad

and spun shitties
on the lawn.

Hey, beast, honey,
are we still going bowling?

Blood?

Forgot their
Mrs. Butterworth's!

The blood beast
has been drinking,

and before
our wedding night?

[Crow sobs]

Ah, this is where the movie
really swings into high--

- uh-huh.
- Here we go.

Ooh, nice shot.

Uh, if we could just clear--

there's something in the way.
I can't figure out what it is.

Oh...

- Hmm.
- Sorry, guys.

I parked my Camaro
here somewhere,

I don't know.

It's a beautiful day
for a wedding,

but why are they
meeting the priest out here?

I don't know.

Okay, bride side
or blood beast side?

The creature isn't far away.

There's some hills
to the north.

And a cave.

I'm seeing the color orange,

and someone is

but he's never been
in this area before.

How does he know
there's a cave?

I refuse to answer that.

Uh, by the way, anybody lock up
the space building?

Oh, I forgot.

I'm-- I'm seeing
a wool pants suit,

and someone is hungry
for a frosted item.

[Mike laughs]

If the name says "corman,"
there's gonna be walking.

Yep.

Oh, and there's a rock.
With a big hill.

No no, you must learn
how to walk, Hobbes.

Come on. With the knees.

Wait-- wait, with the knees?

- There, yes.
- Right.

Oh, this is the spot
where blood beast

first told me he liked me.

- Carry me.
- Shut up.

- Carry me.
- Shut up.

- Carry me!
- Shut up!

[Crow moans]

Uh, we have
to flap our wings

and fly from here.

Uh, boy, I haven't
picked up any impulses

for about an hour now.

Maybe they weren't impulses.

Perhaps they
were just notions.

Whoa, more undercupping.

Yep, I see it. Undercupping.

Undercupping.

- Cup cup cup.
- Cup.

Everyone, I have
an impulse to wander,

like we're lost.

[Mike laughs]

Whoa, blood beast scat.

Careful.

Maybe he was just
picking up a c.B. Radio.

Well, we could just
go to midvale mini-putt.

I'm supposed
to meet him there tonight.

Ow, my pants! Ow!
Both my pants.

It's in there.

- Julie? Donna?
- Go check that out!

Stay there.
There's nothing to fear.

We're not gonna take
any unnecessary chances.

The girls'll wait here.

Okay, you lead the way.

You're gonna
give it a chance!

- [All laugh]
- Would you shut up?

You're not gonna kill it?

You're not going to kill it!

Elaine!

Woah woah woah!

What happened?

Why did you let him go?

We couldn't stop him.

Yeah, he thinks
he's ida lupino again.

He's all wigged out.

Ooh.

Blood! Sweetie!

They're gonna kill you!

I brought them to you.

They don't understand.

I'm not sure I do.

How can I help you
to communicate with US?

[Bots chuckle]

By assimilation.

- A form of photosynthesis.
- [All laugh]

I've been able
to incorporate

certain of Dr. Wyman's
functional processes.

It turned out
to be very boring.

Was Dr. Wyman's death
necessary?

Through his sacrifice,

- I can communicate.
- [Servo squawks]

Understand your reasoning.

Your motivations,
your way of life.

[Crow as bogart]
Shweetheart.

- I will need your help.
- [Servo squawks]

Together we must
make them understand

- that I have not harmed you.
- [Servo squawks]

That we will give them
a better way of life.

Maybe not today
or tomorrow, but soon,

and for the rest
of your life.

Uh, anyway,
now I'm hiding in here

'cause the dogs
keep burying me

and digging me up.

So, anyway, then I transferred
to junior college.

They had a better space flight
program over there,

- and then--
- look!

Here comes the bride!

Listen! Please, listen!

- Do not be afraid.
- [All laugh]

I am not here to harm you.

I just wanna kill you.

It's too far away!

Let's move in.

Uh, in our country,
it's custom

to throw gasoline
on the new couple, yeah.

[Servo hums
"here comes the bride"]

Oh, the ceremony's
about to begin.

I love weddings.

My nails aren't dry.

- Do not be afraid.
- [All laugh]

That's Dr. Wyman's voice.

It is his voice!

But how?

Yes, I am using
Dr. Wyman's voice.

I've got a little problem
with the reverb, though.

I'm also using his car,

and his apartment in town.

I have been able
to master the use

- of many of his faculties.
- [All laugh]

With his voice, I am able
to communicate with you.

- Yeah-- yeah.
- You killed him!

- [Crow squawks]
- He is not dead.

Not dead?

He has gained something more
than life as you know it.

- [Servo squawks]
- He is the first of your kind

to attain immortality.

- Immortality?
- Oh, wait, I mean death.

We're not interested
in that kind of immortality.

I know you want to destroy me,

- [all laugh]
- But listen.

Please, listen.

I only want to help you.

- [Servo squawks]
- Millions of years ago,

my people inhabited a planet

- [crow parrot-whistles]
- Such as yours.

We discovered
the ultimate power--

radar!

Get ready
to make your move.

We should've put this power
to our own benefit.

- What?
- Instead, hatred,

greed, and prejudice

caused US to misuse
that power--

- did it?
- And brought about

- our own destruction.
- Open target.

Now's our chance.

- But you can't risk
killing Donald.
- No, wait.

What harm is there
in hearing them out?

- [All laugh]
- For centuries, we have been

- circling your earth--
- okay. [Sighs]

Waiting

- [crow chuckles] Hi.
- Your projectile was the first

to present a means of entry.

Those before
were not retractable.

- Man, he goes on.
- Of course, then they
fell back to earth.

I am the first to come--

--with death and destruction?

If what you say is true,
what are we to expect?

- You need me.
- You need me, squawk!

Through me, we would unite our
intellects within one body.

- Oh, man.
- It's insane.

And how do you
plan to do that?

Already, it has begun.

- [Parrot-voice] Begun.
- Within the hour,

the first of our
new generation will be born.

It's true.

I'm dilated to four.

I can feel them inside.

Get the cocktail sauce.

But you're imposing
your will on US.

No, no, honey, not now.

You're sacrificing
our civilization

for the resurrection
of your own.

- In the car, honey.
- I've been a fool.

You've been
a beautiful fool!

The only way you can
be saved from your downfall

is by our sacrifice.

What you propose is dominance,
not salvation.

Don't be governed by fear.

Go ahead and kill me!

- You've already
said I'm dead.
- Okay.

A dead man
with a brain and body

kept alive artificially to--

to feed a generation
of monsters.

- That's not true.
- [Mike groans]

If you don't kill me,

a new civilization

- is inside of me.
- A tiny civilization.

It will destroy mankind
as we know it today.

The future of our race
is in you.

They wrote their own vows,
you know.

- It's beautiful.
- You've got to kill me.

We have to destroy it.

- Yo, can do.
- John!

Run, get away from it!

It's operation rescue!

You will live on
to become a greater being

in future generations
to come.

- [Parrot-voice] Generations.
- Don't kill me!

- You big dopes!
- By destroying me,

you are destroying your
only hope for mankind.

You prude! You let me go.

Yeah, that's how it began.

[All laugh]

You've got to kill me!

I'm having
hard enough time!

Do I gotta do everything
myself-- ooh!

Oh, boy, oh.

Ho, ow, ow.

Whoa, ooh, eet.

Aha, oh boy.

Uh, ooh.

You can't throw
jars of rice!

[All laugh]

My corduroys!

Jeez.

Here you go-- hike!

He hates that rock.

Ah, save your own
damn planet.

[Servo squawks]

[All sing "wedding march"]

The St. Louis parrots mascot

was burned to death today.

- You are not ready.
- [Crow squawks]

But we will still save you.

In your quest for
self-destruction,

- you will send up
more satellites.

- [Parrot-voice] Satellites.
- And we will be there!

When you come again.

In the meantime,
I'll just roast!

- Mm.
- Bet it smells like chicken.

- Yep.
- Mm.

I wanted to be an aunt.

[Servo sobs]

Here I come, too!

Whoa, whoo.

Must've got a hold
of a wet blood beast.

Whoa.

Man, these lutheran weddings
are so short.

Should we split Johnny open
and scoop out the row?

I think that would be-- no.

Do you think we made
the right decision?

Well, there's good arguments
on both sides.

John made the decision.

Let's hope
it was the right one.

We'll probably never know.

Hmm.

Yep, just what it is
we'll never know,

we'll never know.

Should we get Johnny?

Or not?

Buy shrimp!
Where you work or play!

Okay, so,
what was the point again?

- I don't--
- how did he get the--

Hmm, yeah,
that's another thing.

Where do these babies
get off thinking

they're kings of the world?

Oh, I'm helpless.

Feed me! Change me!

Yeah, like, okay,
I can't control

my bodily functions
either, Mike.

So I guess you'll just
have to follow me around--

- hey, crow?
- And clean up my poop--

- hey, crow?
- Huh?

Can I just--
can I read the letter?

- Yeah.
- Can I? Just this letter,

- sure, yeah, go ahead.
- Can I just read?

It's fi-- fine,
it's just-- you know...

Ah, go read.

Okay, thanks.

This--
this one's a nice one.

It's got a little picture
with it-- why don't you put

- that picture up there?
- Oh, look at that.

Okay, this one's from Leah.

She says,
"hi, my name is Leah.

"I'm seven.

I made a poppet friend
for Tom servo--"

--do me a favor and hand me
that box end wrench.

Wah! I can't! I'm a baby!

Well, look, punk,
if you can't do me

that one favor,
that's just fine.

Hey, crow, crow,
do you need--

do you need to just vent?
I mean, just go ahead.

- The floor is yours.
Come on. Go ahead.
- No no.

It's just that-- that--

ah, d'ah,

go on with your letter,
i'm... ugh.

Well, that was ruined.

- Let's see if we can
find another one, then.
- All right, fine.

I got another
nice letter here.

Uh, again, put it
on still-store, cambot.

Thank you,
this one is from Lisa.

- She says, "hey guys"--
- Lisa-ah.

"My name is Lisa,
and I'm 13.

I always watch your
later show at night"--

- my mom and I watch--
- babies--

you know, frankly,
it's about time

a few of the babies
out there

started pulling
their own weight.

How many years
has it been we've been

pampering and preening
the little pink larva anyway?

Huh? Ugh.

Yeah, you know,
the sick thing is--

sickest thing?
I'm probably gonna

take a lot of heat
from baby-lovers

just for the saying
the things everybody else

wanted to say,
but didn't have the guts!

Hah, well, write in.

Write in to me,
crow t. Robot.

P.o. Box wah! Wah! Wah!

[Crow laughs]

* hush, little

* baby

* do not say

* a word

oh, that's not true.

How could you not love

this baby?

Mother, I'm not
a baby anymore.

Hush, you are
a very naughty baby.

Go back to sleep,
little baby.

I'm so glad
my mother is here.

What, baby?

I mean, "wah."

Wah. Wah.

Waaah.

[Forrester sobs]

** [theme]

Wounded animal
that large isn't good.