Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 11, Episode 9 - Hamlet - full transcript

♫ In the not too distant future ♫

♫ Somewhere in time and space ♫

♫ Mike Nelson and his robot pals ♫

♫ Are caught in a nasty place ♫

♫ They try to survive ♫

♫ The wrath of Pearl ♫

♫ Just an evil gal ♫

♫ Who wants to rule the world ♫

♫ From her castle below ♫

♫ She sets her sights above ♫

♫ Just to torture all the captives ♫

♫ On the satellite of love ♫

- [Voiceover] Get me down!

♫ I'll send him cheesy movies ♫

♫ The worst I can find ♫

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all ♫

♫ And I'll monitor his mind ♫

♫ Now keep in mind, Mike can't control ♫

♫ Where the movies begin or end ♫

♫ He'll try to keep his sanity ♫

♫ With the help of his robot friends ♫

- [Voiceover] Robot, robot.

♫ You're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♫

♫ And other science facts ♫

♫ Just repeat to yourself
it's just a show ♫

♫ I should really just relax ♫

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

- Hi everyone, welcome
to the satellite of love.

Mike Nelson here, along
with Gypsy, Crow T. Robot,

and Servo.

- It's Servo.

- Yeah, that's what I said, Servo.

- Oh no, see I changed my name.

It's not Servo anymore, it's Sirveaux.

It sounds the same, only
it's spelled S-I-R-V-E-A-U-X,

Sirveaux.

Well just grab that visual aid down there.

- Oh okay.

- So you want us to call
you Sirveaux from now on?

- Yeah, I'd prefer it.

- What if we called you Servo?

- I won't respond.

- Any way, we'll be right back.

- Oh, oh, and I added
an H to my first name,

so you can call me--

- Let me guess, it's T-H-O-M Thom?

- Oh no, no, the H is at the beginning,

so it's Htom.

- Well, Htom, why don't you hlick me?

- That's a good one.

- Sorry about this, we'll be right back.

(upbeat music)

- No, no, no, it's Croe.

It's very simple, Croe.

- Croe, Croe?

- No, no, no, press your beak, Mike.

Croe.

- Croe.

Oh, Croe's call it, I'll close your beak.

- C-C.

- Stop it.

- My friends, this is it.

Future generations may damn me,

but in moments the world will be mine.

For I have created a mutant virus

so insidious yet so destructive

that by morning, half the planet's

population will be dead.

(laughing)

- Never mind that, find the lady,

come on find the lady, let's go,

find the lady.

- Fool, this is no time for games.

You will be the first to die.

- Never mind that, find the lady.

Come on, find the lady, it's easy,

anyone can do it, find the lady.

Nothing to watch, a buck
to play, find the lady.

- Don't you see that I have the power to--

Kill, the middle one, the middle one.

- Sorry, costs a buck to play.

Come on now, find the lady, find the lady.

- Okay, here's a buck.

- It's a setup, you
can't win, it's a setup.

- Shut up.

The left.

- No, I'm sorry, here she is.

Come on now, find the lady, easy to do.

Come on, let's play.

- The right?

- You are exactly wrong.

There she was.

Okay, Pearl, let's raise
the stakes a little bit.

Now if we win, we get to choose the movie

we watch, if you win,
we'll watch two movies.

Now you think you can take me?

Go ahead on, make your move.

- Okay, Nelson, I pick--

- The middle, it's the
middle, pick the middle.

No wait, it's the left.

No, right, right, right,
right, it's the right one.

Wait, it's the queen, the
queen is the lady, right?

- Drink this.

- Oh, okay.

- Milk bag, you're on
mission, what do you think?

- It's a scam, you can't win.

- Oh I forgot, you're also a puss.

I pick middle.

- Yes, yes, let's see.

(laughing)

- We win, we get any movie we want.

- Mike, you're the bomb, man.

What are you going to pick?

- Oh let's see, something I'd like.

Let's say the greatest drama of all time.

Pearl, send me Hamlet.

Branagh, Zeffirelli,
Olivier, it's your choice.

- [Man] Hamlet, German, Rottwurst.

- Perfect.

You win, fine, you get Hamlet.

Oh boy do you get Hamlet.

A dark, dreary, dubbed
version made in 1960

for German television.

(laughing)

God am I good.

- Girly, you are the best.

- Sent it up, cream
cheese and choke it down,

schnitzel box.

- Oh we won.

Follow the, wrong.

- Put it away, honey, come on.

- Time for starchy,
pork-filled, German Hamlet.

(buzzing sound)

(dramatic music)

Look at that, Ubersetzung, doo, bee, doo.

- [Servo] If there's a
Reich Fuhrer, I'm leaving.

- [Crow] That means this
version is deep-fried

and served with spaetzle.

- [Mike] San Quinton Prison
presents Shakespeare.

- [Servo] God there's
going to be railing kills.

(laughing)

- [Crow] Why am I not getting
results from my power walks?

- [Mike] Is that Hamlet?

- [Servo] No, that's his friend, Riblet.

I'll shop you, Shakespeare.

- [Francisco] Halt, who's there?

Stand and unfold yourself.

- Long live the king.

- [Francisco] Bernardo?

- Himself.

- [Servo] Good thing he unfolded himself,

he was pretty creased up there.

- 'Tis bitter cold and I'm sick at heart.

- Have you had quiet guard?

- Not a mouse stirring.

- [Crow] Use my head as a toilet brush.

- [Francisco] Halt, who's there?

- [Servo] Unstaple yourself.

- Friend of the crown,
liegement to the Dane.

- Is Horatio there?

- A piece of him.

- [Servo] I have his
pancreas in my pocket.

- [Crow] Hey any Danish left?

(laughing)

- [Mike] So how's the play going?

- What?

- [Crow] I didn't say anything.

- Has this thing appeared again tonight?

- I have seen nothing.

- Horatio says tis but a fantasy

and will not let belief take hold of him,

touching this dreaded
sight twice seen of us.

- Hush, will not appear,
last night of all,

Francisco and myself,
the bell beating one.

- [Servo] You're getting a ticket.

- The same figure, like
the king that stands.

- [Servo] And get your head off my head.

- It would be spooked.

- Horatio, speak to it.

- [Servo] His royal majesty, Rip Taylor.

- How now?

- [Crow] Moe, Larry, and Horatio.

- That usurps this time of night.

- [Servo] Oh it's probably Bob
usurping this time of night.

- Together with that
fair and warlike form,

in which the majesty of early
Denmark did sometimes march.

Stay, speak.

(barking)

I charge thee, speak.

I curse it thou it bless me.

Stay, illusion.

- [Crow] Ladies and
gentlemen, Patti LaBelle.

- Hast thou any sounds or
use of voice, speak to me.

If there be any good thing to be done

that may lead you to ease, embrace to me,

speak to me.

- [Servo] I don't think so, breather.

- [Crow] Hello?

- [Horatio] Stop it, Francisco.

- [Crow] He's headed for the ladies room.

- [Francisco] 'Tis here.

- Tis here.

- [Servo] Let us to brunch.

- [Francisco] It's gone.

- [Crow] Cute though.

- [Servo] What?

- How now, Horatio?

Something is rotten with
the state of Denmark.

- [Mike] Yeah I didn't
have any clean pantaloons

or hose this morning.

- Break we our watch up.

And by my advice, let us impart what we've

seen tonight onto young Hamlet.

For upon my life, this spirit
unto us will speak to him.

♫ Night fever, night fever ♫

♫ We know how to do it ♫

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] To be or--

- [Servo] No, not yet.

- [Crow] Oh sorry.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Hey, how you doing, Debbie?

- [Crow] When Danish flirting falls flat.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Your loss, babe.

(dramatic music)

(farting sounds)

- [Crow] So, I don't even care.

- [Servo] Someone dropped a sardine.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Censors were
shocked by the blatant

carnality in this film.

(laughing)

- [Servo] Her card tricks really aren't

that impressive with sleeves with that.

(laughing)

- Though yet of Hamlet
our brother's death,

the memory be green and though it is us

be fitted to bear our hearts in grief

with the whole kingdom, yet so far

hath discretion fought with nature

that we with wisest sorrow think on him,

together with remembrance of ourselves.

- [Servo] That's enough, Claude.

- Therefore our sometimes sister.

- [Servo] Oh, baby.

- Now our queen.

- [Servo] You got me crazy.

- T'were we, as with defeated joy.

With an auspicious and a drooping eye.

With mirth in funeral, and with dirge

in marriage, in equal scale weight

in delight and dole, taken to wife.

- [Crow] Gertrude's hair by Boz.

- Nor have we herein
barred your better wisdoms,

which have freely gone
with this affair along.

For all, our thanks.

- [Servo] Try the Vienna sausages.

- [Crow] Step-dad, will you help me

with my science fair project?

- And now, Laertes,
what's the news with you?

You told us of some suit;
what is it, Laertes?

What wouldst thou beg,
that shall not be my offer,

not thy asking?

What wouldst thou have, Laertes?

- [Servo] Let me check with my lawyer.

- My lord, your leave and
favour to return to France,

from whence so willing came
to Denmark to show my duty

and coronation.

Yet now, I must confess, that duty done,

my thoughts and wishes
bend again toward France

but bow them to your
gracious leave and pardon.

- Have you your father's leave?

What says Polonius?

- I do beseech you give him leave to go.

- [Crow] How do you even rule this clown?

- Laertes, time be thine.

Take thy fine hour and
spend it as thy will.

- [Servo] Ring licker.

Tonight I'm going to
unleash the great Dane.

(laughing)

- But now my cousin Hamlet and my son.

- [Servo] You're not my real dad.

- A little more than
kin and less than kind.

- [Crow] That's from Hamlet, isn't it?

- Hamlet, how is it that
the clouds hang on you?

- Not so, my lord, I
am too much, I the sun.

- [Servo] Incest.

Honey, can you get
mommy a fresh margarita?

- [Crow] Face it, son, I'm going to rock

your uncle's world.

- Let not thy mother
lose her prayers, Hamlet.

- [ Servo] Trollop, I mean what?

- I pray thee stay with us.

Go not to Wittenberg.

- [Servo] There's plenty
of good state schools here.

- I shall in all my best obey you, madam.

- Good.

Tis a loving and fair reply.

- [Servo] Now go mow the lawn.

- Be as ourself in Denmark.

- [Crow] Ooh, your breath
smells like Havarti.

- Come, madam.

- [Servo] We'll be on the throne.

(upbeat music)

- [Crow] Okay, closing time, people.

Back door out.

- [Hamlet] Oh, that this too,
too solid flesh would melt,

thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!

Or that the Everlasting
had not fixed his canon

’gainst self-slaughter!

Oh, God, God!

How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable

seem to me all the uses of this world!

Fie, tis an unweeded garden things rank

and gross in nature possess it merely!

That it should come to this!

But two months dead—nay,
not so much, not two.

- [Servo] Wait, is it Saturday today?

- [Hamlet] So excellent
a king that was, to this,

Hyperion to a satyr!

And so loving to my
mother that he might not

beteem the winds of heaven
visit her face too roughly!

And yet within the month.

- [Servo] I don't know,
maybe it's just me.

- Frailty, thy name is woman.

- [Crow] I thought
Frailty's name was Carl.

- A little month.

- [Servo] Oh, didn't see the post there.

- Or ere those shoes were
cold with which she followed

my poor father’s body,
like Niobe all tears

why she, oh, God, a beast
that lacks discourse

or reason would have mourned longer.

Within a month, ere yet the
salt in most unrighteous

tears had left off flushing
her galled eyes, she married!

- [Crow] Plus she's marrying uncle creepy.

- Oh, most wicked speed,
to post with such dexterity

to incestuous sheets!

It is not, nor it cannot come to good!

- [Servo] Well I better
go get that field crest

blanket they registered for.

- But break, my heart,
for I must hold my tongue.

- [Horatio] Hail to, your lordship.

- Good evening, sir.

- [Servor] You can brood here, I'm done.

- Horatio.

Horatio!

- [Crow] How's it hanging, you son of a--

- My good friend.

What makes you here from Wittenberg?

- A truant disposition, good my lord.

- I would not hear your enemy say so.

I know you are no truant.

But what is your affair in Elsinore?

We’ll teach you to drink
deep ere you depart!

- I came to see your father's funeral.

- I pray thee, do not
mock me, fellow student,

I think it was to see my mother’s wedding.

- Indeed, my lord, it followed hard upon.

- [Servo] So it worked out all right.

- Thrift, Horatio, thrift!

The funeral’s baked meats did coldly

furnish forth the marriage tables!

Would I had met my direst foe in heaven

ere ever I had seen that day, Horatio.

My father--

- He was a goodly king.

- [Servo] I mean, he tried.

- He was a man, take him for all in all!

I shall not look upon his like again.

- [Crow] Why were you looking at his like?

- My lord, I think I saw him yesternight.

- Saw who?

- My lord, the king, your father.

- The king, my--

For God's love, let me hear!

- And these few precepts in thy memory,

give thy thoughts no tongue.

- [Servo] He's memorizing
Tim Allen's book.

- Give thy thoughts no tongue,

nor any unproportioned thought its act.

- [Servo] Hi, pops.

- [Crow] It's a swell day.

- [Polonius] Yet here, Laertes.

- [Servo] Observe my lice.

- A double blessing is a double grace.

- [Polonius] Abroad, abroad, for shame.

The wind sits in the
shoulder of your sail,

and you are stayed for.

- [Servo] Dad likes me better.

- And these few precepts in thy memory.

Give thy thoughts no tongue,
nor any unproportioned

thought its act.

- [Crow] This place could use a shrub

or hell even a stick would cheer it up.

- [Servo] Hey come on, man, we've seen

like eight ghosts, none of them have been

even close to my dad.

- What hour now?

- [Servo] Time for you to buy a watch.

- I think it lacks of twelve.

- No it is struck.

- Indeed?

- [Crow] The great what time
is it argument, from Hamlet.

- Then it draws near the season wherein

the spirit held his wont to walk.

- [Servo] You got that right, buddy.

(laughing)

Trick or treat for nipples.

(dramatic music)

- What does this mean, my lord?

- [Servo] And now My Little Margie.

- The king.

- [Crow] The big number one.

- Doth wake tonight, and takes his rouse,

keeps wassail and the
swaggering up-spring reels.

And, as he drains his
draughts of Rhenish down,

the kettledrum and trumpet thus bray out

the triumph of his pledge.

- [Servo] Let there be
Sunny D for everyone!

(triumphant music)

They hired the all fan fair DJ.

- [Crow] Hooray, Garrison
Keillor is leaving Denmark!

- [Servo] Yay!

(laughing)

I got a stick.

(laughing)

- My lord, he comes.

- [Servo] Scrooge.

Oh, wrong script.

Meet The Beatles.

- Angels and ministers of grace defend us.

- [Servo] Move thine ass.

- He beckons you to go away with him.

- Do not go away with him.

- No, by no means.

- Why, what should be to fear?

I do not set my life at a pin’s fee,

and as for my soul,
what can it do to that,

being a thing immortal as itself?

It waves me forth again.

I’ll follow it.

- You shall not go, my lord.

- How off your hands.

My fate cries out, unhand me, by heaven.

I’ll make a ghost of him that frets me!

- [Crow] Yeah get him, Ham, kick his ass!

All right.

- [Servo] Now this is an action scene,

for this movie.

He's doing the, I was told to report

to the principal's office deal.

- [Crow] I'm on my way to a costume party.

I'm going as Rosalind Russell.

- [Hamlet] Where wilt thou lead me?

Speak, I'll go no further.

- [Servo] That's not
what I hear, sunshine.

- Speak.

(barking)

I am bound to hear.

- [Ghost] So art thou to revenge,

when thou shalt hear?

- What?

- [Ghost] I am thy father's spirit.

- [Crow] I've got a bit of the flu.

- [Ghost] But that I am
forbid to tell the secrets

of my prison-house, I
could a tale unfold whose

lightest word would harrow up thy soul.

But this eternal blazing must not be

to ears of flesh and blood.

- [Servo] Number two, cut to camera two.

- [Ghost] List, oh list.

- [Servo] Rest for lest?

- [Ghost] If thou didst
ever thy dear father love--

- Oh, heaven.

- [Ghost] Revenge is murder.

- Murder?

- [Ghost] Murder most foul.

- [Crow] He killed a chicken?

- Haste me to know it, that I, with wings

as swift as meditation
or the thoughts of love

may sweep to my revenge!

- [Ghost] Tis given out that,

sleeping in my orchard,
a serpent stung me.

- [Servo] To the ghost, the
ghost, cut to the ghost!

- [Ghost] Thy father’s
life now wears his crown!

- Oh, my prophetic soul!

My uncle.

- [Ghost] Aye, that incestuous beast

won to his shameful lust the will of my

most seeming-virtuous queen!

- [Crow] That's what I am.

- [Ghost] Sleeping within my orchard,

upon my secure hour thy uncle
stole with juice of cursed

hebenon in a vial, and in
the porches of my ears--

- [Servo] To the ghost.

- [Ghost] Did pour the leprous distilment.

- [Servo] Hang on, I'm passing this on.

- [Ghost] Thus was I, sleeping,

by a brother’s hand from life.

- [Sevo] Oh boy, this
ghost of Mike's father

gag is too good.

- [Crow] Yep.

No question, a brilliantly conceived,

perfectly executed bit of tomfoolery.

- Hello?

- [Servo] Ah, a ghost, help me!

- [Crow] Servo, it's just Mike.

- [Servo] Oh, okay.

- [Crow] Mark me, for I
am your father's ghost,

come to tell you--

- No, hey, wait a minute, no.

Can't be my father, he's alive and well.

Onto mail order burlap store
out of Mynod, Wisconsin.

- [Crow] We didn't check on that.

- [Servo] Okay, okay, try his uncle Les.

I'm pretty sure he's dead.

- [Crow] I am your uncle Les.

- Oh no, no, nope, retired.

Lives in McAllen, Texas.

You know what, Pearl
just forwarded another

of his delightful Christmas letters.

- [Servo] Cousin Al, cousin Al.

- [Crow] Okay, I am your cousin Al.

- Oh no, no; nope, nope, he's alive.

He rebuilds carburetors
out of a hole shed in

Sawgrass, Minnesota, just
sent me a price list.

I can get a pretty good deal.

- [Crow] Any other leads
there, other part of the ghost?

- [Servo] Okay, okay,
brother-in-law's ex wife Wanda.

- Okay, I am your brother-in-law's--

- Not Wanda, she works a
pit crew up in Granard.

She can hurl a tire 35 feet
without even breathing hard.

- [Crow] Don't your relatives ever die?

It's over, hit it, cousin Wanda.

- [Servo] First try his
brother Ron's karate teacher.

- [Crow] Put a sock in it.

- [Servo] No, let me go, watch it--

- [Crow] You cut it out.

- We'll be right back.

Hopefully.

(upbeat music)

- [Crow] Supposed to be a duck.

I love life.

Yeah, that was hilarious.

Any way.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] She stitched
her hand to her knee.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Friend.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] I stuck a fork in the outlet.

(dramatic music)

- [Mike] How about some spiral-cut Hamlet?

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Get thee to a bakery.

No wait.

(gasping)

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] He's doing a Danish mind melt.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Don't look, it's
your Christmas present.

(dramatic music)

- [Mike] Oh, man, me
and Horatio got blasted

on aqua wheat, woke up on the
express bus to Copenhagen.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] What is it boy?

Uncle killed dad?

(dramatic music)

- [Mike] Well, I'm going
to take off I guess.

So okay then.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Dad, Hamlet's looking at me.

(dramatic music)

- How now, Ophelia, what's the matter?

- I'm so frightened.

- With what, in the name of God?

- [Servo] Your hair.

- As I was sewing in my
closet, my lord Hamlet--

- [Servo] She was sewing in her closet?

- With his doublet all
unbraced, pale as his shirt.

his knees knocking each
other, and with a look

so piteous in purport, he comes before me.

- [Crow] No one likes
a tattle tale, Ophelia.

- Mad for thy love?

- Lord, I do not know.

But truly I do fear it.

- [Servo] I'm going to
get my hair relumped.

- [Crow] Honey, what happened
to all the ear poison?

- [Servo] Oh, yeah.

- [Crow] What is it,
cold water on the groin?

I mean, Polonius.

- My lord, I do think that I have found

the very cause of Hamlet's lunacy.

- [Servo] He's insane.

- Oh, speak of that.

That do I long to hear.

Thou ever hast been the
father of good news.

- Have I, my lord?

I assure my good liege I hold my duty

as I hold my soul, both to my God

and to my gracious king!

- [Servo] I know nothing.

- He tells me, my dear
Gertrude, he hath found

the source of all your son’s distemper.

- I doubt it is no other but the main:

his father’s death, and
our o’erhasty marriage.

- [Servo] Hi.

- I will be brief, madam,
your noble son is mad!

Mad I call it; for, to
define true madness,

what is’t but to be nothing else but mad.

- More matter, with less art.

- Madam, I swear I use no art at all!

That he is mad, ’tis true; that ’tis true

’tis pity; and pity ’tis ’tis true.

Thus it remains.

- [Crow] They had huge
balance beams back then,

look at that.

(dramatic music)

- [Mike] Logging names
into her palm pilot.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Check this out,
oh, so, I'm Japanese.

Sorry.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Please pray
for me while I shower.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] The shroud of torrent sleeps.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] My mom sent me
home, my skirt is too short.

- Nymph, in thy orisons,
be all my sins remembered.

- [Servo] Ooh, the orison
line sucked the air

out of the room.

- My prince.

- [Servo] I'm back from photo map.

- How does your honour
for this many a day?

- [Crow] I don't now, okay I guess.

- I humbly thank you well.

- [Servo] But could you
please return my pants?

- My prince?

- [Servo] Didn't come out that well.

- [Mike] Ooh the bench smells funny.

- I have remembrances
of yours, that I have

longed long to re-deliver.

I pray you now, receive them.

- Not I; I never gave you aught.

- [Servo] Yeah.

- My honored prince, you
know right well you did.

- [Servo] Right well did not.

- And words of so sweet breath composed

as made the things more rich!

Their perfume lost, take these again;

for to the noble mind, rich gifts wax poor

when givers prove unkind.

There, my lord.

- [Servo] Okay, fine,
I'll throw them away.

- Are you honest?

- [Servo] Yes, no, I lied.

- Are you honest?

- My lord.

- Are you fair?

- What means you, lordship?

- That if you be honest and fair,

your honesty should admit
no discourse of your beauty.

- Could Beauty, have
better converse, my prince,

than with honesty?

- Aye, truly.

- [Crow] Yeah, you know, what you said.

- For the power of beauty
will sooner transform

honesty from what it is
to a bawd than the force

of honesty can translate
beauty into its likeness!

This was some kind of paradox,

but now the time gives it proof.

- [Servo] What do you
think of them apples?

(farting)

I did love you once.

- Aye, my prince, you made me believe so.

- You should not have
believed me, I loved you not.

- [Servo] Well I always
thought you were gay.

- I was the more deceived.

- Get thee to a nunnery.

Why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?

- [Crow] Be a breeder of schnauzers.

- I am myself indifferent honest,

but yet I could accuse me of such things

that it were better my
mother had not borne me!

I am very proud, vengeful, ambitious.

- [Servo] Oh he's Republican.

- We are arrant knaves, all!

Believe none of us!

- [Servo] Can you set me up with Horatio?

- [Crow] I shut her down, man.

- Where's your father?

- [Servo] Bastard owes me 10 kroners.

- At home, my lord.

- [Crow] Ophelia, Sam
Wainwright's on the phone.

- Let the doors be shut
upon him, that he may

play the fool nowhere
but in his own house!

- [Servo] Whoa, Jackson Browne wet.

- [Crow] Thank you but I don't need CPR.

Thank you.

- If thou dost marry,
I’ll give thee this plague

for thy dowry: be thou as chaste as ice,

as pure as snow, thou
shalt not escape calumny!

“et thee to a nunnery, go!

Farewell!

- [Servo] Doing fine, honey.

It's all yours, you got him.

- Or, if thou wilt needs
marry, marry a fool!

For wise men know well
enough what monsters

you make of them.

To a nunnery go, farewell.

- [Servo] Ah, just gets
my tights in a bundle.

- O, heavenly powers, restore him!

- I have heard of your
paintings, too, well enough!

God has given you one face, and you make

yourselves another!

You jig, you amble, and you lisp

and nickname God’s creatures, and make

from your ignorance your wantonness!

Go to, I'll no more on
it, it hath made me mad.

That hath made me mad!

- [Crow] I'm not here.

- I say, we shall have no more marriages.

Those that are married all but one,

shall long live, the rest
shall keep as they are.

- [Servo] Hi, I'm back, you miss me?

- To a nunnery, go.

- [Servo] Well actually
I may go to grad school.

(crying)

- Oh, what a noble mind
is here o’erthrown.

The courtier’s, soldier’s, scholar’s eyes,

tongue, sword, expectancy
and rose of the fair state;

loss of fashion, and the
mortal form, observed.

Oh woe.

- [Servo] Whoa!

- Woe is me, to seen what I
have seen, see what I see.

(crying)

- [Servo] Thank you for
cooperating with the Copenhagen

police, you can take off the wire now.

(crying)

- How now, Ophelia; you need not tell us

what Lord Hamlet said; we heard it all.

He's far gone, far gone,
and truly in my youth

I suffered much extremity
for love, than any of this.

- Love?

- [Crow] Here, now?

- No, these afflictions
are not what we tend

nor what he spake, though
it might form a little

was not like madness.

- I must speak to him.

- [Servo] I'm just going to
run to the pop machine first.

(upbeat music)

Rap artist, Notorious K-I-N-G.

- [Crow] Hi, I'm an Oliver Reed stand-in.

- Woe is me.

- [Servo] Whoa, is me.

- To have seen what I have seen.

- [Servo] Mary Pickford as Ophelia.

- See what I see.

- [Crow] Stupid, stupid
Hamlet, what was I thinking?

- [Servo] Hey Killroy.

- [Hamlet] To be or not to be?

- [Servo] The verbal
equivalent of da-da-da-da.

- [Hamlet] That is the question.

- [Crow] I'll take to be for 50, Alex.

- [Hamlet] whether ’tis nobler in the mind

to suffer the slings and
arrows of outrageous fortune--

- [Servo] Starring Shelly
Long and Bette Middler.

- [Hamlet] Or to take arms
against a siege of troubles,

and by opposing end them!

- [Servo] Ow, my shin's
right on the edge of a stair.

- [Hamlet] To die, to sleep

- [Crow] Yeah, that's what
we're doing right now, bub.

- [Hamlet] No more!

And by a sleep to say we end the heartache

and the thousand natural
shocks that flesh is heir to.

- [Servo] Okay we need a predicate now.

- [Hamlet] ’Tis a consummation
devoutly to be wished!

- [Crow] Especially with Ophelia, man.

- [Servo] Oh yeah.

- [Hamlet] To die, to sleep.

- [Servo] To sleep!

- [Crow] Whoa, that's an old chestnut.

- [Hamlet] To sleep.

- [Servo] To sleep.

- A chance to dream.

- [Crow] The impossible dream.

- Aye, there's the rub!

- [Servo] I knew I had some rub left.

- For in that sleep of
death what dreams may come

when we have shuffled
off this mortal coil,

must give us pause.

There’s the respect that makes calamity of

prolonged life; for who
would bear the whips

and scorns of time,
the oppress or’s wrong,

the proud man’s contumely,
the pangs of disprized love,

the law’s delay, the insolence of office,

and the spurns that patient
merit of the unworthy takes,

when he himself might his
quietus make with a bare bodkin?

- [Crow] He said bare bodkin.

(laughing)

- Who would fardels
bear, to grunt and sweat

under a weary life, but
that the dread of something

after death, the undiscovered country

from whose bourn no traveler is returned,

puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear

those ills we have than fly to others--

- [Servo] Sum up!

- That we know not of!

- Thus conscience make cowards of us all,

and thus the native hue of resolution

is sicklied o’er with
the pale cast of thought.

And enterprises of great pith and moment,

with this regard, their
currents turn awry,

and lose the name of action!

- [Mike] So I'm a chicken
for not stabbing myself,

that's all you needed to say!

- [Crow] Oh!

- [Servo] Oh.

- [Crow] Oh.

- [Servo] What's worst than clowns?

Danish clowns.

- [Crow] Danish clowns; the damp, smelly,

silverfish-infested
basement of the clown world.

- [Mike] Okay out, out, out, all of you.

You get out, out.

(upbeat music)

- [Servo] It's a herd of Hamlets.

(upbeat music)

- [Crow] We can't get rid
of them, it's hopeless.

(upbeat music)

- [Servo] It's Hamlet man.

- [Crow] Da-da-da-da.

- Welcome one, welcome all.

- [Crow] Except you, condom hat there.

- I am glad to see you well.

Welcome, good friends.

- [Servo] I see a host of snowballs.

- Old friend, thy face is
valenced since I saw thee last.

(laughing)

What, my young lady.

Your ladyship.

- [Servo] How's lesbianism going?

- Nearer to heaven by the
altitude of a chopine,

than when I saw you last.

Pray God your voice, like
a piece of uncurrent gold,

be not cracked within the ring.

- I hope not so, my lord.

- Welcome all.

We’ll go to’t e’en like French falconers,

fly at anything we see!

We’ll have a speech straight!

Come, give us a taste of your quality.

- [Crow] No I said quality, not idiocy.

- Well?

- A passionate speech.

- [Servo] Come here, we've got to talk.

- Can you play The Murder of Gonzago?

- Aye, my lord.

- We'll have that tomorrow night.

You could, for a need--

- [Crow] Lose the clowns.

- Study a speech of
some dozen or 16 lines,

which I would set down and
insert in’t, could you not?

- [Crow] Hey, hey.

- Aye, my lord.

- Very well.

- [Servo] Yeah and I
want Elizabeth Berkeley

to play the lead, okay?

(upbeat music)

- That's an excellent idea.

- Hey where have you guys been?

I haven't seen you around at all.

- Oh sorry, Mike, we've been in the middle

of rehearsal for our
own version of Hamlet.

It's going to be sort of a modern abstract

interpretation sort of thing.

- Oh so kind of like the
works of Richard Schechner,

or Heiner Müller, or
countless college directors.

- Oh yeah, it's a timeless drama, Mike.

Everybody should take a shot at it.

- There's just so many ways
to render the play, Mike.

- We even got as far as
story boarding a few ideas.

Hey, Mike, help us out there, will you?

- Sure.

- Now here's what we came
up with for our scuba diving

version.

Pretty powerful stuff, huh?

- Then we considered a bucket head Hamlet.

- [Crow] The buckets of course
symbolizing modern man's

faceless conformity.

- [Servo] Yeah but it
didn't really pan out.

Well then we were right in
the middle of rehearsals

with our all furniture version.

- We were having so much fun.

The sofa that was playing
Gertrude was a delight.

- Yes but then our backers
pulled out just days

before the opening.

The foot stools were pretty upset.

- Yeah.

- Well I think all the furniture was.

- Yeah they were.

But that brings us to our
percussion version of Hamlet.

The bongos here represent Ophelia.

- And obviously these maracas are Hamlet.

Now allow us to perform a
part of act three, scene one.

- Thank you, thank you.

(upbeat drumming)

- Excuse me, movie time.

We can pick this up later.

- We're just getting to
the murder, Mike, hang on.

(upbeat drumming)

- [Servo] Now it's the Winter
of our, damn wrong play.

- About, my brain.

- [Crow] Upon which I sit.

(laughing)

- I’ll have these players play something

like the murder of my
father before mine uncle.

I’ll observe his looks;
I’ll tent him to the quick!

If he but blench, I know my course!

- [Servo] If he would hard boil, well.

- The spirit that I have
seen may be a devil,

perhaps out of my weakness
and my melancholy,

abuses me to damn me!

I’ll have grounds more relevant than his!

- [Servo] He should start journaling.

- The play’s the thing--

- [Crow] Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da bing.

Wherein I’ll catch the
conscience of the king!

- [Servo] Ring-a-ding, ding, ding, ding.

- [Mike] Boy, girl, boy, girl, me.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Wow the dinner rush is here.

Look lively, people.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Slow walking, race in the front,

Billy and Bob are losing.

Listen, Hamlets always
have a kick ass party tune.

- [Crow] Yeah.

(dramatic music)

They can see you, Hamlet.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Shoot, Brad Rich is out there.

- Be quick.

- [Servo] We have a
small but spirited house.

- Horatio.

- Yes, my lord, at your service.

- [Crow] Good, go wash my car.

- There's a play tonight before the king.

One scene of it comes
near the circumstance

which I've told thee of my father's death.

With the very comment of
thy soul, observe my uncle.

If his occulted guilt do not
itself unkennel in one speech,

it is a damned ghost that we have seen.

- [Servo] I suppose there's
no chance there's going

to be a jet ski chase in
this movie, is there, Mike?

(regal music)

- [Crow] Polonius is riding in my sleek.

- [Mike] Mom's wearing Arpege,
I can smell it from here.

(regal music)

And now, live from Elsinore.

- [Crow] I guess.

(applause)

- [Mike] Hey, how's
everyone doing tonight?

I need a volunteer from the audience.

- Come hither, my dear Hamlet.

Sit by me.

- [Servo] Thanks, my hose bag; I mean mom.

- No, good mother; here's
metal more attractive.

- [Crow] You are made out
of metal, right, Ophelia?

- [Servo] Did you hear that?

Totally destined, huh?

- Lady, shall I lie in your lap?

- No, my prince.

- I mean my head in your lap.

- Aye, my prince.

- [Servo] Okay now it's
just creepy, forget it.

- Do you think I meant country matters?

- I think nothing, my lord.

- [Crow] Shakespeare Baloo.

- That's a fair thought to
lie between maiden's legs.

- What is, my prince?

- [Servo] A complete perv.

- Nothing.

- You're merry, my prince.

- Who, I?

- Aye, my prince.

- Oh God, your only jig maker.

What should a man do but be merry?

For look you how
cheerfully my mother looks

and my father died within these two hours!

- Nay, ’tis twice two months, my prince.

- So long?

- [Servo] Is that 32, Mike?

- Died two months ago,
and not forgotten yet.

- [Crow] We totally rule, man.

(regal music)

- [Servo] Run DMC Everett Coop.

- For us, and for our
tragedy, here stooping

to your clemency, we beg
your hearing patiently.

- Is this the prologue
or the poem on a ring?

- Tis brief, my prince.

- As woman's love.

- [Servo] And now the
tragedy of king vita-man.

- [Crow] Boo, you suck!

- [Servo] Get off the stage.

- [Crow] Boo!

- Tellus’ orbed ground,
since Love and Hymen

did our hands, unite commutual
in most sacred bands.

- [Mike] Let's sneak out for some cabaret.

- [Crow] I think so.

- [Woman] But, woe is me,
you are so sick of late,

so far from cheer and
from your former state

that I distrust you.

Yet though I distrust,
there's comfort in my lord

if nothing less.

For women’s fear and love share quantity:

neither is nought nor extremity.

- [Servo] Rock it.

Take it home now, do it.

- [Man2] And shortly,
too, my operant powers

their functions loath to do!

But thou shalt live, in
this fair world behind.

- [Servo] A production that likes to show

people watching other people.

- [Woman2] Oh, confound the rest!

Such love must needs be
treason in my breast!

In second husband let me be accurst!

- [Crow] I don't know, I
think it's pretty funny.

- [Woman2] None weds the second

but one who killed the first!

- That's wormwood!

- [Servo] That's not
wormwood, would you shut up?

- [Woman2] Impulsion that
a second marriage moves

is base respect of
thrift, but none of love.

Nor earth to me give
food, nor heaven light!

Sport and repose lock
from me day and night!

- [Servo] At least they
get to drink at the globe.

- [Woman2] Hence, pursue
me lasting strife,

if once a widow ever I be wife!

- If she should break out now.

- [Crow] John wrapping Candy is next.

- [Man2] Sweet, leave me here awhile;

my spirits grow dull,
and fain I would beguile

the tedious day with sleep.

- [Servo] My geometrically
perfect neck boils

are hurting.

- [Woman2] And never come
mischance between us twain.

(applause)

- [Crow] All right!

- [Servo] Good droning, excellent.

- [Crow] Entertainment was
much easier back then, Mike.

(upbeat music)

- Madam, how like you, this play?

- The lady doth protest
too much, me thinks.

- Oh, but she'll keep her word.

- Have you heard the argument?

Is there no offence in it?

- No, no, they do but
jest, poison in jest!

No offence in the world.

- [Servo] Hey there's gum back here.

- What do you call the play?

- The mousetrap.

(silly sounds)

Displays the image of a
murder done in Vienna.

You shall see anon.

’Tis a knavish piece of
work, but what o’ that?

Your Majesty and we that have free souls,

it touches us not!

Let the galled jade wince;
our withers are unwrung.

This is one Lucianus, nephew to the king.

Begin, murderer!

Leave thy damnable faces and begin!

- [Crow] Let him enjoy the show.

- The croaking raven
doth bellow for revenge!

- Thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit,

and time agreeing; confederate season,

else no creature seeing.

Then mixture rank of
midnight weeds collected,

with Hecate’s bane thrice blasted--

- [Servo] He's eating it.

- Thrice infected, thy natural magic

and dire property a whoreson
life usurp immediately!

- He poisons him i’ the
garden for’s estate.

His name’s Gonzago; the story was extant,

and writ in choice Italian!

You shall see anon how the murderer

gets the love of Gonzago’s wife.

- [Servo] You get it, huh, huh?

You get it, huh?

- Lights!

- [Servo] Camera, soliloquy.

- What, frighted with false fire?

- [Crow] Be careful with
that, I've got a ton

of final net in my hair.

- [Mike] Can't I pee in peace?

- I like him not.

- [Crow] I like him, not!

- Nor stands it safe with
us, to let his madness rage!

- [Servo] With rich Corinthian leather.

- Therefore prepare you: I your commission

will forthwith dispatch--

- [Mike] Yeah but I'm
drawn against commission.

- And he to England shall along with you.

The terms of our state
may not endure hazard

so dangerous as doth hourly
grow out of his brain.

- [Crow] Now which one of you is Squiggy?

- Aim you, I pray you,
to this speedy voyage.

- [Servo] Scram, beat it.

They got to be gay.

- For we will fetters put upon this fear,

which now goes too free-footed!

- [Servo] Yeah.

- [Polonius] My good lord.

- [Crow] I'm out of styling moose.

- He’s going to his mother’s closet.

Behind the arras I’ll convey
myself to hear the process.

Fare you well, my liege.

Ere you go to bed, I’ll call upon you

and tell you what I know.

- [Servo] I saw this on
Three's Company once.

- Thanks, dear, my lord.

- [Crow] He's already gone.

- [Servo] To be or, oh sorry.

- [Crow] Wrong character.

- Oh my offense is rank.

- [Servo] Your tunic is rank too, woo.

- It smells to heaven.

It hath the primal, eldest
curse upon’t a brother’s murder!

- [Crow] Somehow I feel
partially responsible.

- Pray can I not, though inclination

be as sharp as will: my stronger guilt

defeats my strong intent.

- [Servo] Yeah, must be careful.

- And, like a man to
double businesses bound,

I stand in pause where I shall
first begin and both neglect!

- [Mike] Nah, that would be
like the fifth time today.

- If this cursed hand
were thicker than itself

with brother’s blood?

- [Servo] Thin it with
a little chicken stock.

- Is there not rain enough
in the sweet heavens

to wash it white as snow?

- [Crow] Hey the clowns need their money.

Can I get a check?

- O, what form of prayer
can serve my turn?

- [Servo] Oh what fun it is to writhe.

- Forgive me my foul murder?

- [Crow] It's just that
turkey was mouthing off to me.

- That cannot be, since
I am still possessed

of those for which I did the murder:

my crown, mine own ambition, and my queen.

- [Servo] My Queen albums, I mean.

- May one be pardoned
and retain the effects?

- Now might I do it pat.

- [Crow] This play's
losing me, now who's Pat?

- Now while he is praying!

And now I’ll do it!

- [Servo] I'm just going
to lightly stab him.

(laughing)

Nosferatu.

- [Crow] Wow my uncle's got a great ass.

No wonder mom's into him.

- [Servo] You know he's just
beating back a monologue

right now.

- And so he goes to heaven
and so am I revenged?

Oh, this is hire and salary, not revenge!

When he is drunk asleep, or in his rage,

or in the incestuous pleasure of his bed!

Then trip him, that his
heels may kick at heaven,

and that his soul may be
as damned and black as hell

whereto it goes!

- [Mike] Damn I'm interesting.

- My mother stays.

This physic but prolongs thy sickly days.

- [Servo] Sickly days,
downtown Copenhagen.

- [Crow] I'll come back
later, see if he's drinking

and whoring, then I'll kill him.

- Tell him his pranks have
been too broad to bear with,

and that Your Grace
hath screened and stood

between much heat and him!

- [Servo] Hogan!

- I’ll silence me even here.

Pray you, be round with him.

- [Mike] Use my razor.

- I’ll warrant you; fear me not!

Withdraw, I hear him coming!

- [Servo] Fran Allison, queen of Denmark.

- [Crow] She's got maude wear on.

- [Servo] Hey a cave chair
I just found in a cave.

- Now, Mother, what's the matter?

- [Gertrude] Hamlet, thou
hast thy father much offended.

- Mother, you have my
father much offended.

- Come, come, you answer
with an idle tongue.

- Go, go, you question
with a wicked tongue!

- Why, how now, Hamlet?

- What’s the matter now?

- [Servo] Don't you sass
me or you're grounded.

- Have you forgotten me?

- No, by the rood.

You are the queen, your
husband’s brother’s wife!

And would it were not
so, you are my mother.

- Good, I’ll set those
to you that can speak.

- Come.

- [Crow] Let's tango!

- You shall not budge.

You’ll go not till I set you up a glass

where you may see the inmost part of you.

- [Servo] Ooh.

- What wilt thou do?

Thou wilt not murder me!

Help, help!

- [Polonius] Help, help!

- How now, a rat?

- [Servo] Oh no, not
the service master guy.

- [Crow] Oh.

Shame.

- Aye for a ducat.

Dead!

- What hast thou done?

- Nay, I know not.

Is it the king?

- Oh what a rash and bloody deed is this.

- A bloody deed?

Almost as bad could mother kill a king

and marry with his brother.

- [Crow] Oh bring that up again.

- Kill a king?

- Aye, t'was my word!

- [Servo] Take it back, my son!

The candied sardines are repeating on me.

- [Hamlet] Thou wretched,
rash, intruding fool.

- [Crow] Right, it's
my fault you killed me.

- [Hamlet] I took thee for thy better.

Take thy fortune.

- [Servo] Well I need a new Polonius.

That was the royal antechamber.

Stay together, people.

There's the throne room.

Oh and we're in luck, the king's here.

- [Crow] Coulds't thou walk slower?

Jeez.

- Now, Hamlet.

- [Servo] About your report card.

- Where is Polonius?

- At supper.

- At supper, where?

- Not where he eats, but where he's eaten.

A certain convocation of
politic worms are e’en at him!

- [Servo] Ooh, mood swing.

- Your worm is your
only emperor, for diet.

A man may fish with the worm
that hath eaten of a king,

and a cat eat of the fish
that hath fed on that worm.

- What does thy mean by this?

- Nothing, but to show you
how a king may go of progress

through the guts of a beggar.

That is the end.

- [Crow] That was
directed at me, wasn't it?

- [Servo] Get the belt.

- Where is Polonius?

- [Servo] He came down with
an unexpected case of murder.

- In heaven.

Send hither to see; if
your messenger find him

not there, seek him
yourself in the other place.

- [Servo] H-E double toothpicks.

- But indeed, if you find
him not within this month--

- [Crow] King Richard Thompson.

- You shall nose him as you go
up the stairs into the lobby.

♫ Let's go up to the lobby ♫

- Go seek him there.

- He will stay til you come.

- [Servo] Oh ice cream headache, ooh.

Ow, ow.

- [Mike] He just started his estrogen.

- [Crow] Hey come on,
you wuss, I didn't cry

after I killed your dad.

- Hamlet.

- [Servo] Yeah?

- For thine especial
safety, which we do tender

as dearly as we grieve for
that which thou hast done--

- [Servo] Okay.

- That deed must send thee
hence with fiery quickness!

- [Servo] Quickness.

- Prepare thyself, the ship
is ready and the wind at help,

the associates attend, and
everything is bent for England!

- [Servo] For England.

(crying)

- For England?

- Aye, Hamlet.

- Good.

- So it is, if thou knew’st our purposes.

- I see a cherub--

- [Servo] In thy nose.

- That sees them.

But, come; for England!

- [Servo] Oh, I'll need some money.

- Goodnight, dear Mother.

- Thy loving father.

Hamlet, thy mother.

- Father and mother is man and wife;

man and wife is one
flesh and so, my mother.

- [Servo] Yeah go a lot to England, okay?

- Come, to England.

(cat call)

- [Servo] Would you just get over there?

- [Mike] Those thrones
need some lime-a-way.

- [Servo] Hi, guys, where's my dad?

Hail, queen Dilbert's boss.

- [Crow] What is he, dressing
up for Charlie Sheen?

- [Servo] Ta-da!

Ooh.

- Oh, thou vile king, give me my father!

- [Servo] Oh my goodness.

- Where are my guards?

- [Gertrude] Good Laertes.

- Let him come.

- [Crow] Your mother's drunk, sorry.

- Do not fear for our person.

- [Servo] Oh, Dane kabobs.

- There’s such divinity doth hedge a king

that treason can but
peep at what it would do!

Act little of its will!

Tell me, Laertes, why
thou art thus incensed?

Let him go.

Speak, man.

- Where is my father?

- Dead.

- But not by him.

- Let him demand his fill.

- How came he dead?

I'll not be juggled with.

- [Crow] I'm not a small sack of beans.

- To hell, allegiance!

Vows, to the darkest
devil, I dare damnation.

By this point, I stand, both the worlds

I give to negligence!

Let come what comes, I’ll
be revenged most thoroughly

for my father!

- Who shall stay you?

- [Servo] Don't tell him that, you idiot.

- Good Laertes, in your
desire to know the certainty

of your dear father’s
death, is’t writ that

your revenge that sweepstakes,
you will draw both

friend and foe, winner and loser?

- None but his enemies.

- Now you speak like a good
child and a true gentleman.

That I am guiltless of your
father’s death, Laertes.

- [Servo] He's wearing dental
x-rays around his neck.

- And am most sensibly in grief for it,

shall as level to your judgment appear

as day does to your eye!

- [Crow] Okay, Gertrude, tackle him!

- [Servo] New King
Claudius, with Kung-Fu grip.

Ooh get the net, huh?

(humming)

- [Crow] Oh no it's Jewel,
get her out of here.

♫ I've got a brand-new
pair of roller skates ♫

♫ And on his grave rained many a tear ♫

- [Servo] She's totting
around a big bok choy.

- Fair you well, my dove.

- [Crow] She's trying to Section
8 her way out of the movie.

(humming)

- By heaven, thy madness
shall be paid by weight.

- [Servo] So what about
110 pounds of madness?

- Oh, sister.

- [Servo] She looks like a
cheerleader for a Southern

football team.

- Hadst thou thy wits, and
didst persuade for revenge,

it could not move thus.

- There's a rosemary.

- [Servo] And Lori Amsterdam.

- That's for remembrance.

Pray, you, my love, remember.

And there's pansies.

That's for thoughts.

- [Crow] Try to get one.

(laughing)

People love my wheat act.

(humming)

- [Servo] Oh yeah,
you're gluten intolerant.

- There's fennel for you and columbines.

They call it herbal grace of Sundays.

There's rue for you and some for me.

- [Servo] No really, I ate before I came.

- Oh you must wear your
rue with a difference.

(laughing)

(mumbling)

I would give you some
violets, but they withered,

all, when my father died.

They say he made a good end
and will he not come again?

- [Servo] Hey what do you have in a rye?

- Will he not come again?

- [Servo] So you didn't
take your Zoloft, huh?

- He is gone.

He is gone and cast away, moan.

God have mercy on his soul
and on all Christian souls.

I pray God, God be with you.

- You see this, oh God?

- [Servo] I'm going
over to lady MacBeth's.

- Laertes, I must commune with your grief.

- [Servo] Would you
stop rubbing my nipples?

- Or you deny me a right.

And then go apart; make
choice of your wisest friends

whom you will, and they
shall hear and judge

’twixt you and me!

- [Crow] Don't get a boner.

- And where the offence
is, let the great axe fall!

- [Servo] So we're going to chop wood,

do you have to be so dramatic?

- There's a letter for you, sir.

It came from the ambassador
that was bound for England.

- [Servo] There's postage due.

Ophelia invoiced me for the wheat.

- [Hamlet] Ere we were two
days old at sea, a pirate

of very warlike appointment gave us chase!

Finding ourselves too slow of sail,

we put on a compelled
valour, and in the grapple

I boarded them!

On that instant they
got clear of our ship,

so I alone became their prisoner!

- [Crow] Hamlet faxed me a soliloquy.

- [Hamlet] They have
dealt with me like thieves

of mercy, but they knew what they did.

Let the king have the letters I have sent,

and repair thou to me as quickly
as thou wouldst fly Death!

These good fellows--

- [Servo] I don't know about that.

- [Hamlet] Will bring thee where I am,

I have words to speak in thine ear,

will make thee dumb.

Farewell, he that thou
knowest thine, Hamlet.

- [Servo] I could crap a
better letter than this.

(upbeat music)

Oh, man, I just played handball.

- [Crow] My contacts are fine.

- Laertes, your sister' drowned.

- Drowned, you say?

Where?

- [Servo] She jumped in a lake
trying to save some wheat.

- There is a willow grows aslant a brook,

that shows its hoary leaves
in the glassy stream.

There did she come hither.

Her muddied garments.

- [Mike] So the creek?

- [Servo] Hey do I rock
the slurpee machine

when you're trying to work?

- How long will a man lie
in the earth ere he rots?

- I’ faith, if he be not
rotten before he die,

he will last you some eight or nine year.

A tanner will last you nine year.

- Why he more than another?

- Why, sir, his hide is
so tanned with his trade

that he will keep out water a great while;

and your water is a sore decayer
of your whoreson dead body.

Here's the skull.

- [Crow] Not a bad skull,
good starter skull.

- This skull has lain in the
earth three-and-twenty years.

- Whose was it?

- A pestilence on him for a mad rogue.

- [Servo] I ought to!

- He poured a flagon of
Rhenish on my head, once!

(laughing)

This same skull, sir, was
Yorick’s skull, the king’s jester.

- [Servo] I just saw
him at the chuckle hut.

- Aye, e'en that.

- Let me see.

- [Crow] Nice zygomatic arch.

- [Servo] I remember him
and his big pointy shoes.

Stupid hat, he had the worst act, I swear.

- Alas, poor Yorick.

- [Mike] Hey, I did all right for myself.

- I knew him, Horatio.

- [Crow] I sat next to him in trig.

- A fellow of infinite jest,
of most excellent fancy.

He hath borne me on his
back a thousand times!

- [Servo] Of course I bore him a lot too.

- And now how abhorred
in my imagination it is.

- [Servo] Oh wait, this is
Yoric, this is George Gobel.

- Here hung those lips that I have kissed

I know not how oft.

- [Crow] You're a little
cutie pie skull, aren't you,

you little button nose,
you little cutie skull.

- Where be your gibes now?

Your gambols.

- [Servo] So they banned you from jesting.

- Your songs, your flashes
of merriment that were

wont to set the table on a roar?

Not one, now, to mock your own grinning?

- [Mike] Well there was
that one now that mocked.

- Quite chop-fallen?

- Now get you to my lady’s
chamber, and tell her:

let her paint an inch thick,
to this favour she must come!

Make her laugh at that.

- [Crow] Please speak
up, my tympanic membrane

rotted away some years ago.

- Horatio, tell me one thing.

Dost thou think Alexander
looked o’ this fashion,

i’ the earth?

- [Servo] I don't know,
man, let's go to the tavern.

- E'en so.

- And smelt so?

- [Mike] Oh it did too.

- [Crow] Ah forget it, I never knew him.

I made it all up.

- To what base uses we
may return, Horatio!

- [Servo] God, that's not dirt!

- Why, may not imagination
trace the noble dust

of Alexander till it be
found stopping a bung-hole.

- [Mike] Dude.

- ’Twere to consider too
curiously to consider so.

- No, no.

Alexander died, Alexander was buried,

Alexander returneth to
dust, the dust is earth,

of earth we make loam and why of that loam

whereto he was converted might
they not stop a beer-barrel?

- [Crow] It's the ice cream man!

(bell tolling)

- [Servo] Here comes
my cow, I've got to go.

(bell tolling)

- Hello and welcome to I'll ask for who?

Now as you know, last
week our reigning champion

Mr. Tom Servo won the
four-week supply of mutton.

And he's back this week to
face another challenger.

(applause)

- Thanks, Mike, thanks.

- Tom, remind the folks at home

what you're doing here.

- Mike I am a small
robot who lives with you.

- Robot who lives with me.

That's interesting, okay
and your challenger,

Crow T. Robot.

How are you, sir?

- I'm feeling good, Mike, thanks.

- And what do you do, sir?

- I am also a small
robot who lives with you.

- Wow, seems to be a
popular job these days.

(laughing)

- It really is.

- Let's get down to action.

Okay for you folks at home, the object

of the game is to visually identify a

person by some part of his
or her skeletal system.

And, Servo, you'll be starting
with this lovely femur.

- Ooh.

- Okay.

- You have 10 seconds, go.

- Let's see, I'll ask for Larry Hagman.

No, no, I'll ask for Katherine Graham.

No.

I got it, I'll ask for Biz Markie.

- Exactly.

Biz Markie, this is his femur.

(applause)

Surprisingly delicate, isn't it?

All right, well played.

Now, Crow, ready to give it a whirl?

- Oh I sure am, Mike.

- Okay then, here's a
clavicle, who's is it?

- Wow, I want to say Tim Conway.

But no, more like Dr. Dean Ornish.

Germaine Greer, Peter Cetera.

Jeez no, no, no.

I'm going to go with Nancy Allen, Mike.

- Please state it in, I'll ask for form.

- Oh yeah, I'll ask for Nancy Allen.

- Is right.

(bell dinging)

That's a fine clavicle here.

Must have drank lots of milk.

(laughing)

Okay it's all tied up.

Cervo, who belongs to this ilium?

- Oh that's easy, Mike.

I'll ask for Alaska senator Ted Stevens.

Wait no, I'm sorry, I'll
ask for Roland Gift.

Yeah, yeah, I'm going
to go with I'll ask for

Roland Gift.

- Ooh, no, I'm sorry I'll
ask for Alaska senator

Ted Stevens.

- Oh darn.

(laughing)

- Close though, okay.

Now you could win this one.

- Wow.

- Who are these series
of metatarsal bones?

- Oh I know this one, easy.

Ralph Waite.

- They are indeed the
metatarsals of Ralph Waite.

But alas, incorrect
form for the second time

and so you don't get the point.

So nobody wins and you both lose,

and that's all the time we have.

(laughing)

We'll be back next week
with another edition

of I'll Ask For Who?

(applause)

- Mike we won't really be
back next week, will we?

- Not unless I get a cod piece.

(applause)

(upbeat music)

(bell tolling)

Ah, the Saint Olaf's Day parade
is pretty dour this year.

(bell tolling)

- [Servo] Hey, kid, you
want to speed it up?

We got three of these today.

(bell tolling)

- [Mike] Can barely keep my head cake on.

(bell tolling)

- What ceremony else?

- [Crow] Shut up.

- Her obsequies have been as far enlarged

as we have warrant,
her death was doubtful.

- [Servo] Shouldn't we check then?

- I'll say no more be done.

- No more.

- [Servo] Gee your tunic smells terrific.

With the legs, we do not have time to take

a beef-eater to the hospital.

(bell tolling)

- [Crow] Oh, man, I was
invited to this, I forgot.

- Farwell.

- [Mike] That's really
an all-purpose dress.

- I hoped thou shouldst
have been my Hamlet’s wife;

I thought thy bride-bed to have decked,

sweet maid, and not to
have strewed thy grave!

- Ophelia.

- [Crow] I wonder what her skull is like.

- Hold off the earth a while.

- [Servo] Stop the
world, I want to get off.

Even in death, he just goes in her room.

- Now pile your dust
upon the quick and dead,

till of this flat a mountain
you have made to o’ertop

old Ossa or the skyish
head of blue Olympus.

- Who is he whose grief
bears such an emphasis?

Whose phrase of sorrow
conjures the wandering stars,

and makes them stand like
wonder-wounded hearers?

It is I, Hamlet, the Dane!

- The devil take thy soul!

- I prithee, take thy
fingers from my throat.

Hold off thy hand.

- Pluck them asunder.

- My lords, be quiet.

- [Servo] This must be an Irish funeral,

they're both drunk and fighting.

- Why, I will fight
with him upon this theme

until my eyelids will no longer wag!

I loved Ophelia!

- [Servo] We went steady.

- 40,000 brothers could not with all their

quantity of love make up my sum!

- [Crow] 50,000 maybe.

- What would thou do for her?

Swounds, show me what thou’lt do.

- [Servo] I'm trying to be dead in here.

- Would weep?

Would fight?

Would fast?

Would tear thyself?

Would drink up vinegar, eat a crocodile?

I’ll do’t!

Dost thou come here to
whine, to outface me

with leaping into her grave?

- [Servo] He's getting German-er.

- Be buried alive with her, and so will I,

I’ll rant as well as thou.

- This is mere madness, oh my sons.

- [Crow] Loser tease.

- [Servo] Craplet.

- You sir, what is the
reason that you use me thus?

I love you, ever.

- [Servo] Okay was it her or me?

- It is no matter, the cat will mew,

and dog will have his day.

- [Crow] Pomeranian day,
Dotson day, Lhasa Otso day?

- [Servo] Wait, wait, I'm
supposed to be in front

of you, hold up.

- [Mike] Hey, Laertes, lean
on the headstones, fun.

- Will you be ruled, my lord?

- [Crow] Well I've got an attractive offer

from the king of Flanders.

- Might I offer it to you.

So you may not overrule me to to a peace.

- Would I not?

- [Servo] Listen, I've
got some cuties here.

- I will work him to an exploit,

new-ripe in my devising,
under the which he shall

not choose but fall!

And for his death no wind
of blame shall breathe,

but even his mother shall
uncharge the practice,

and call it accident!

- My lord, I shall be ruled.

- [Crow] Wide ruled or college ruled?

- And the better if you could devise it so

that I might be the organ.

- It falls right.

What would you undertake to show yourself

in deed your father's son more than words?

- Cut his throat in the church.

- [Servo] Now see that's
a little over the top.

- No place, indeed,
should murder sanctuarize,

revenge should have no bounds!

But, good Laertes, we’ll
set on those who shall

praise your excellence.

- [Servo] What about my church idea?

- And put a double varnish on the fame

the Frenchman gave you, in fine together,

and bring you, and wager on your heads!

He, being free from all contriving,

will not peruse the foils, and remiss,

or with a little shuffling,

you may choose a sword unabated.

And in a pass of practice,
requite him for your father!

- I will do it.

- [Crow] I will cut his
throat in the church.

- And for that purpose
I’ll anoint my sword.

- [Servo] Well that's up to you.

- I bought an unction from a mountebank.

I'll touch the point with
his contagion, so that--

- [Servo] Yes, yes, go on.

- [Crow] And cut his throat in the church.

- [Servo] No.

- If it should fail?

I have it.

- [Crow] Cut his throat in the church.

- When in your motion you are hot and dry

and make your bouts more
violent to that end,

so that he calls for drink,
I’ll have prepared him

a chalice for the nonce,
whereof but sipping,

if he by chance escape your venomed prick,

our purpose may hold there!

- [Servo] There's a phone call.

Cut his throat in a church,
I ought to smack him.

- [Crow] Would you just get over here?

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Lice check.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Ooh, band's got a new song.

I like this song.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] I haven't even
got my tax agenda yet,

health care, this Hamlet
thing's been tying me all up.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Synchronized royal asses and yes.

- [Servo] We decided to
cut his throat in a church.

(dramatic music)

Welcome to the Hamlet show,
the Hamlet show theme.

(dramatic music)

- Come.

Hamlet, come.

- [Servo] Sit, stay, good, Hamlet.

- Take this hand from me.

- [Crow] I'd spit on it, man.

(laughing)

- [Mike] Face.

- Give me your pardon, sir.

- [Servo] What are you, Nixon?

- I've done you wrong.

But pardon it, you're a gentleman.

This presence knows, and
you must needs have heard,

how I am punished with sore distraction.

What I have done, proclaim was madness.

Was't Hamlet wronged Laertes?

No.

- [Servo] Not even close.

- His madness is poor Hamlet's enemy.

- [Crow] I hate that par house son.

- [Mike] Wow that was the limpest, wettest

handshake ever.

- Give us the foils.

- [Servo] We shall some potatoes bake.

- [Crow] Wow that's not a widow's peak

that guy has, it's a peninsula.

- [Servo] All right, give me my gun.

Ooh, ooh, there's a bee, ooh.

- This is too heavy.

Let me see another.

- [Crow] Yeah, real smooth.

- [Servo] Hamlet's parents in the stand,

give them a hand.

- [Cladius] If Hamlet hits--

- [Servo] We'll do a sequel.

- Let all the battlements
their ordnance fire!

The king shall drink to
Hamlet’s better breath.

- [Crow] Thank you, corpsio.

- And in the cup an union shall he throw.

Richer than that which
four successive kings

in Denmark’s crown have worn.

- [Servo] Here, there's
a little smootz on that.

- And let the kettledrum
to the trumpet speak,

the trumpet to the cannoneer without,

the cannons to the heavens
then heaven to earth.

Now the king drinks to Hamlet!

- [Servo] Hell the king
drinks to anything.

- [Crow] I got the worm.

- Come, begin, and you, the
judges, bare a wary eye!

- [Servo] Celebrity judges,
from the cast of Baywatch.

All right I'm going to
toss the coin, Laertes,

if you will call.

- [Crow] Would you just fight?

- [Servo] And the round's over.

Laertes immediately bites his ear off.

- [Crow] Wait, huh?

What are you watching?

Watch it.

Hey, hey.

Wait.

- One.

- [Laertes] No.

- Judgment?

- A hit.

A palpable hit.

- [Mike] Well what do you
know, a chance to drink.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Finish, God,
this will just explode.

(laughing)

- [Crow] So when they do start
selling stolen merchandise?

- [Mike] They're fencing.

- [Servo] I am so baked.

- [Crow] There isn't a
bad seat in the arena,

you're right on top of the action.

- A hit on neither side.

- [Servo] Man I'm Simon LaBlanc.

I suck.

- [Cladius] Stay.

Give me the drink.

- [Crow] You, give me a drink too.

- Hamlet, this pearl is thine.

- [Servo] Sorry I dropped
a huge tablet in your cup.

- Here.

To thy health.

- [Servo] Coming to a sudden end.

- I'll play this bout first.

- [Crow] But it's cherry
flavored kid's poison,

you should love it.

(upbeat music)

- [Servo] Hello, everybody,
take me out to the sword fight.

We want a fencer, not a belly, encer?

- Another hit, what say you?

- Touch, I do confess.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] We are to be married.

- [Crow] Let me have a
go, I'll fence your ass

back to the stone age.

- Come, Hamlet, let me wipe thy face.

- [Servo] I hope the next poison's for me.

- Our son shall win.

- [Servo] Ooh, booze, give me.

- The queen carouses
to thy fortune, Hamlet!

- [Crow] Whatever.

- Gertrude, do not drink.

- [Servo] Are you stupid?

- I will, my lord.

I pray you pardon me.

- [Servo] The queen's suicide fan fare.

(dramatic music)

So you didn't get the poison memo, huh?

(dramatic music)

- [Mike] Oh great, I'm
not looking forward to the

Danish single's scene again.

- My lord, I'll hit him now.

- [Servo] Forget it, Lamer-tes.

- [Mike] Boy I drank a lot
of that, it was really good.

- [Crow] Shut up.

- [Servo] Come on, bring it on, sweet pea.

- Laertes, come for the third!

You do but dally!

I pray you, pass with your best violence,

I am afraid you make a wanton of me!

- Say you so?

Come on.

- [Crow] They're fencing.

- [Servo] The royal Bhutan.

- [Mike] That's cool.

- [Crow] My nipple came off, you jerk.

- [Mike] You've got pine tar on yours.

- [Servo] The King told me to.

- [Mike] Man I'm hungry.

- [Crow] See I don't
trust a sporting event

done in tights and puffy shirts.

- [Servo] And now my patented spaz move.

(yelling)

- [Crow] Oh hi.

- They bleed on both sides.

How is it, my lord?

- [Mike] Perhaps my
impending baldness can help.

- I've just been killed
by my own treachery.

- [Crow] Don't eat the green sardines.

- What of the queen?

- [Servo] Oh they call
it Day-Quil but still.

- To see them bleed.

- No, no, the drink, the drink.

- [Mike] One last
old-fashioned before I die.

- Oh my dear Hamlet.

- [Crow] The hair mold is in the--

- Hamlet.

- [Servo] Get off your mom.

- Thou art slain; no medicine in the world

can do thee good; in thee there
is not half an hour of life.

The treacherous instrument is in thy hand.

- [Servo] You mean mom?

- [Laertes] Unabated and envenomed.

Thy mother's poisoned, I can no more.

The king's to blame.

The king.

- [Crow] Long blame the king.

- Venom.

- [Servo] Oh, just had that sharpened.

- Then venom, do thy work.

- [Mike] You're under Danish arrest.

- [Crow] Okay, okay, mistakes were made.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Now the king peels off his skin

and becomes a dinosaur from Mars.

- [Crow] Yeah!

- [Servo] Oh I guess not.

(dramatic music)

- [Mike] Come on, Hammy, Hamster.

- [Crow] The music,
something's going to happen.

I can't stand it.

It's really building up to something.

- [Servo] That's it?

Wow.

- Defend me, friends, I am but wounded.

- Here, thou incestuous,
murderous, damned Dane,

drink off this potion!

- [Mike] Better make out a will.

I, Cladius--

(laughing)

I always tell that joke when I'm dying.

- [Crow] Hey, Hamlet,
why don't you ramlet.

- [Servo] Yeah shut up, Claudy-ass.

- Is thy union here?

- [Mike] Federation of kings, local 12.

- Call on my mother.

- [Crow] She called for directions.

- [Servo] Too bad he's poison intolerant.

- [Mike] Check out our Theta impression.

- Exchange forgiveness
with me, noble Hamlet.

- [Servo] Got a receipt?

- Mine and my father’s
death come not upon thee.

- [Crow] Although you
did stab him and all.

- Nor thine on me.

- [Servo] Let's have coffee next week.

Oh, yeah, we'll be dead.

- Heaven make thee free of it.

I follow thee.

- [Mike] Hold me, elongated Phil Collins.

- [Servo] He died with a
booger on his forehead.

- [Mike] Are you going
to be needing a second?

Because my guy died.

- [Crow] Well we'll be
seeking volunteers to rule

Denmark now.

- [Servo] I've been taking
Echinacea and vitamin C

so I should be okay.

- [Mike] Who died and made you king?

- Horatio.

- [Crow] You're standing on my foot.

- I am dead.

- [Mike] I had to work
through lunch today.

- Had I but time--

- [Servo] I would have painted the garage.

- This fell sergeant Death
is strict in his arrest!

- [Mike] Sergeant Death, he's WWF, right?

- [Crow] Right.

- Oh I could tell you.

- [Crow] Is there a word
in the English language

he hasn't said?

- But let it be.

- [Servo] What was I talking about?

- Horatio.

- [Mike] What a stupid man.

- Thou livest.

Report me and my cause--

- [Crow] The globe crowd is
just waiting for the bear

baiting to start.

- Never believe it.

- Thy hand, let go.

- [Mike] Thanks, because
it was really kind of

an empty gesture.

- What a wounded name,
things standing thus unknown,

shall live behind me!

If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart,

in this harsh world
draw thy breath in pain

to tell my story.

- [Crow] Okay die now.

- [Servo] Boom, boom, you're dead.

You're dying, boom.

- [Mike] Boom!

- Horatio.

- [Servo] Dead.

- [Mike] Dead.

- I am dead.

- [Mike] Forgot to do
that paper, I am so dead.

- [Crow] Oh come on!

- [Servo] The groundlings are all hitting

the exits by now.

- The rest is silence.

- [Mike] Yeah, I wish.

- [Crow] No?

Could be, what do you think?

- [Servo] I don't believe it.

- [Crow] Deadness?

- Have we achieved deadness?

Yo, Hamlet?

- Goodnight, sweet prince.

- [Servo] Night.

- And flights of angels
sing thee to thy rest.

- [Crow] Unfortunately
they're Northwest flights

of angels, so they'll be late.

- [Servo] Before you die, does
my palm smell like Cheetos?

- [Mike] They better get
him out of there before he

melts, thaws, and resolves
himself into a duke.

- [Crow] Yeah that can be a problem.

- [Horatio] Let four captains bear Hamlet

like a soldier to the stage.

- [Crow] Captain Spalding?

Captain Kangaroo?

Captain Crunch?

- [Horatio] For he was
likely, had he been put on,

to have proved most royally.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Sounds like Mr.
Peabody is about to start.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Hamlet will
be back in Thunderball.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Well, Mike, this
has convinced me not to

kill your dad and marry your mom.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] At least when
the Germans are doing this,

they can't be up to any mischief.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] So, Spazo, The
Katzenjammer Kids, and this.

Thanks, Germany.

(dramatic music)

- [Mike] The misogamist Paul Verhoeven.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] With Adolf
slicing, shizten, slicing,

shoveled, shellfish.

- [Servo] Danish consultant, Victor Borga.

Sardines courtesy of king Aspen.

Look for special Hamlet promotional.

- [Crow] Also try
Rosencrantz, Guildenstern,

Kipper snacks, and Laertes
packed in heavy oil.

(dramatic music)

- [Mike] I tell you between this movie

and the heating system on the boat ride.

- [Crow] Gottschalk.

- [Servo] Franz.

- [Crow] Oh yeah, this
was Munchen all right.

(laughing)

- [Servo] Nice play, Shakespeare.

- So you guys made a
Hamlet action figure, huh?

- Yep.

- Anything remarkable about him?

Typical action figure?

Just kind of move it
around, that's the action?

- That's about it.

Well you might want to
pull the string there.

That's kind of nice.

- Oh it talks.

Well say, Hamlet.

Wow.

Kind of a long string.

- That's what makes it
such a great action figure.

- I know but most action
figures, pull the string,

you pull it and it's like 18 inches long.

- It is a bit long on
this one, I grant you.

- I know but it's really a lot longer.

- Hamlet does have some
long speeches, Mike.

Watch the umbrella stand.

- [Mike] Ow.

- Keep going, honey,
can't be too much more.

Mike what I do is go
up those stairs there.

- Up the stairs, right.

- Behind that.

There you go.

- [Mike] I didn't even
know we had stairs here.

Never been over to this part of the ship.

Hey how much longer is it?

- Not much.

Uh oh, Pearl's calling.

- [Mike] I didn't know there
was a squaw sport up here.

- Yes, Pearl?

- Keep going!

- Look I don't care if
you're small but pivotal,

you just can't barge in here, hang on.

Hi, guys, got a little
bit of a situation here.

Appparently in Hamlet,
there's a character named

Fortinbras.

- Fortinbras.

- That's what I said.

- No, no, no, actually
you said, Fortinbras.

- So any way, he claims
he's in the original

Hamlet but he's not in this movie.

- Yes and I'm not
leaving until I'm allowed

to play my role.

Am I simply to hang about in limbo,

or perhaps I should force
myself in another play?

Walk to American buffalo and say hello,

have you a need for a Norwegian nobleman

to arrange for bodies to be carted away?

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here.

- Play the part.

- Here?

- Sure, go ahead, play the part.

- Well now, I'll need
two English ambassadors.

- Will you?

- Yes, and a Horatio,
and a band of soldiers,

and drums at the beginning and at the end,

and appeal of ordinance,
and of course a body.

- Oh golly, where could
I find a body on such

short notice?

I wonder where.

Say could you pour this in your ear for me

for just a minute.

(groaning)

Well hey, there's a body, you're in luck.

Is it me?

Am I a magnet for these idiots?

- [Servo] Okay, let her go, Mike.

- [Hamlet] To be or not to be,

that is the question, whether ’tis nobler

in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of

outrageous fortune, or
to take arms against

a siege of troubles, and
by opposing end them!

To die, to sleep—no more and by a sleep

to say we end the
heartache and the thousand

natural shocks that flesh is heir to.

’Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished!

To die, to sleep.

To sleep. perchance to dream!

Aye, there’s the rub!