Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 11, Episode 8 - Final Justice - full transcript

[Music]

in the not too distant future

somewhere in time and space

mike nelson and his robot pals

are caught in a nasty place

they try the wrath to pearl just an

evil gal who wants to rule the world

from her castle below she sets her

sights above

just to torture all her captives on the

[Music]

satellite

[Music]

he'll try to keep his sanity with the

help of his robot friends

robot rules

[Music]

and other science

[Music]

just a facts i should really just relax

old mystery science theater 3000.

[Music]

hi everyone mike nelson here on the

satellite of love

this is tom servo and tom's got

something to say thank you mike

mike folks in 1984 the techno mega giant

band named yes released a song

in which they assured us that the owner

of a lonely heart

is much better than the owner of a

broken heart

yeah great song i remember that as do we

all mike as do we all

but my point is simply this they

introduced a profound topic and then

barely scratched the surface

they told me nothing how does the owner

of the lonely heart

compared to say the owner of a broken

gas fireplace or for that matter

to the owner of a perfectly functional

cheese slicer well as the owner of a

lonely heart how do i stack up against

the owner of a pencil i mean come on yes

i don't think it's up to yes to come up

with every possible permutation they

brought it up mike and there's so much

more to consider

what about the owner of a parcel of land

in montana

versus the owner of a pie

[Music]

the owner that'd a jar stack up against

the owner of a split level

[Music]

okay now we've done it every time we say

owner of a lonely heart

we get a yes orchestra hit all right

hang on test

test owner of a lonely heart

well for now let's just avoid owner of a

you know a lonely heart right

uh yes pearl nelson thank goodness it's

you

i needed to talk to a loser

oh we have fun don't we brain guys

we do we we really do but you know

anyone can

that's right you see i realize that with

the large staff necessary to taking over

the world i need to keep the workplace

loose and fun and studies show that if i

do

you morons will be more productive

hey you want some tips on how to have

fun you should see this place on a

friday

yeah it is nuts i'm sure

well let's get started i mean sometimes

i think

everyone up here is crazy i tell my

friends i'm not sure whether i work on a

satellite or at the nut house

okay let's try and keep to our schedule

i'll tell you who's funny crow crow is

the

cut up don't drink milk and talk to this

fella or it will come out your nose

come on look shut up okay why don't we

start with an illustration of how

humor can lighten up a stressful

situation brain guy oh

sure excuse me pearl business business

deadline merger merges stock option

acquisition sorry what was that i was

busy having eyeballs that will stay in

their sockets

do you begin to see how creativity can

lead to productivity

no i just kind of depressed yeah mostly

i feel

sad and achy

well i'm glad you had fun bobo let's

send them their movie

final justice starring the dyspeptic joe

don baker

as soon as i'm done wearing big funny

goofy teeth hey

get to work what the hell do you think

this is

wow i'm terrified and delighted

oh boy cowboy music let's just turn back

no

no we can't sit right there heavy rain

continuing through the night clearing

tomorrow

and now here's an update on the car

bombing in dallas building contractor

larry wayne is in critical condition at

parkland hospital

the texas ranger organized crime unit is

investigating

good luck boys now back to our music

oh i wish i was illiterate so i didn't

have to read that

[Music]

please can i have just one more justice

he came he saw he acted with bill

mckinney

[Music]

sounds like they hired livingston taylor

[Music]

[Music]

how are we doing tonight

that's me tj there's something i've been

meaning to talk to you about

yeah how's the diet kevin what are you

my mother

no tj what i am is your friend and jimmy

dean and you know you got less than

three months before your next annual

i'll make it well not unless you get off

your

get some exercise and you stop eating

those

damn donuts you quit drinking baby oil

an editor they scrape from the bottom of

the barrel every spring

road hog

dp is an austrian prince

how tom wolf great

i'm really sorry i can't make another

claim on my insurance

braden clark the producer of hobgoblins

we're doomed

yeah if you're gonna whack a guy get a

decent battery

yeah let's get out the manual if you've

killed someone turn to page 30 settle

i don't want any other borders if we get

out of texas we're safe right

oh here boss if you killed someone and

you have our limited edition turn to

page 43.

[Applause]

you know you're the most qualified

deputy sheriff in the whole damn state

all them years up in dallas and that

training must be worth something yeah

dallas wasn't all my fault i didn't kill

all those people all by myself

most of them i bagged my limit that day

that's for sure

of course you know t.j i think i uh

might have kept the senator's brother

out of it

yeah he was doing dirty yeah he pays a

price just like all us ordinary folk

yeah so you get booted out of dallas i

end up with the best deputy sheriff in

texas that's her backstory

somehow just don't seem fair yeah mama

never said life was fair

ah pass the sausage i pay the price

listen man i'm gonna go see the old lady

you take care if anything happens give

me a call all right get some sleep all

right

yeah and put a glade air freshener in

here okay

no bob wait a minute yeah photos came

back to the drugstore

they're pictures of my lunch yesterday

look at that look how nude i am that

nice

yeah trevor's a cute kid all right

you're lucky man bob

yeah i hope hey you do have to mess with

like cars on a night like this mm-hmm

hey that was the same shot exact same

so what goes on in texas opening fire

and cops killing presidents the whole

bush thing i mean what the hell

the brisket is in the ah

oh my heart's shutting down again hang

on

it'll be a lot of fun to shoot him now i

mean he's gonna die anyway

he just bleached his hair and shaped it

into a hat

[Music]

it's it happened one night only gay

strange texas brawl

the sun is blotted out as joe don baker

approaches

[Music]

all right halter off third

[Music]

ah now it all becomes huh

[Music]

music from the policewoman soundtrack

we have to cross the river into italy

this is it bonnie we found it the border

they found a taco bell big deal

first time water has hit his pants in

over a year at least from the outside

the guy on the right is from the neck

right there now over four inches good

relax donnie it's got all dirty here

it's got all dorothy here you can do

nothing to us you're american

be across the border reported them to me

just a line in the dirt

quick distract him with a monster

trolley you think you'd take me

go ahead on he's sweating palm kernel

oil

it's your move uh him or me

his chest hair is on fire

i just want a lazaroni

in the time it takes him to fall the

government in italy changes three times

what what nobody's a son of a preacher

man son of a son of a sailor maybe

he absorbed all the water

[Music]

hey you son of a

something you don't have the right to do

this i got all the right i need

now get off your knees you son of a same

thing you said yellow belly

go find i want you to draw come on it's

not a shooting people from the dark more

your style

you think you'd take me go ahead on

here's my meaty flank put your move

you'll pay for my brother i saw how you

pay somebody

you killed my brother i'd barbecue now

get up go for your gun

you'll save my gun when the time

i swear i'm glad you're going to pay for

this i'll kill you but i won't curse you

but then you killed back it was my

partner ought to kill you on general

principal

cinema takes you to texas and justice

you got the right to remain silent oh he

is a real cop

and all that others

[Music]

thomas jefferson's ronaldo iii god

apache

it was pronounced geronimo and apache

texas sheriff

this is world cup you'll be working with

the italian authorities on this

so just do as you're told my god this is

going to be a wonderful piece of

international pr it's my

you see mr palermo has been a major

source of embarrassment to the italian

government that's hard to do

he's made contracts and four continents

that went on been a busy boy huh

oh hi around cowboy hey

what makes you think you can handle a

guy like me

uh-huh i don't know anything you're

going to europe

do you know how harsh the toilet paper

is over there

i'd have dusted your ass back on a

border when i had a chance you stand

over

oh you get your chance cowboy

you know you can make a book on it it

would be called getting your chance

just turn mr palermo here over to the

italian authorities get them to sign him

off you go back to take us and enjoy

yourself

who knows you might like europe

guests of final justice fly twa

darling what is your

[Music]

refuses a drink as does andy warhol

let's talk loudly about our suvs

this reminds the pilot he's been a

failure in life

i'll announce it ladies and gentlemen

i'm a failure ladies and gentlemen this

is your pilot speaking

we're experiencing some technical

difficulties nothing to be alarmed about

however we will not be proceeding onto

sicily we will be landing at the nearest

island malta

could have another meal what else malta

it's a beautiful island nearby

so like galveston yes plenty of room for

development

in malta malta makers of fine crosses

knights

and falcons please proceed to passport

can i have another meal we're just

playing gonna be ready to go on sicily

i'm sorry sir it appears not until

tomorrow we've made arrangements for

overnight accommodations you must

proceed to customers

for no meal just great there you go

flight 110 now departing for london gate

12.

the rough sex got out of hand

i don't want to be down here thanks

yes sir those bags in the back there we

pal

the three-inch taxi cab driver

okay waist headquarters headquarters are

you in some trouble sir

just trying to police headquarters and

carry this up front with you

man i can't believe i'm being seen with

joe down baker

where did you come from tax texas oh

taxes i knew i knew

do you know john wayne casey yes

americans yeah

hey pal you're on the wrong side of the

road i don't know

this is the mausoleum district left side

that we drive on the left

there's our new convention center it was

built in 1411. you're from

how about you just shutting up and take

me to the police station huh and watch

this guys

i don't know how we managed to survive

come

luggage hitting a gorilla that's

different

[Applause]

joe dawn whizzes it in record time

[Music]

cars provided by matchbox

please don't shoot don't worry sounds

sympathetic

any room on my side you jerk no you

bugger

oh my butt the vatican bank gets serious

joe don baker's famous delayed reaction

farts

revenge is a dish best served with

laughter and giggles and god sends the

door chassis

[Applause]

[Music]

his boots are from gateway computer

superintendent

[Music]

oh godzilla all right

carl quit playing tollbridge hmm

you know i'm glad they went with the

frescoes instead of the drop ceiling

with the acoustical tiles

man it'd be great to put a slip and

slide in there oh cool

excuse me you wanted to see the american

oh yes i'll get to you later

monaco begin transferred to sorry if you

have foreign

oh yes yes you have my personal

apologies sir

your superior mr wilson in washington

is on my speaker and he would like to

talk to you

please do sit down

please no texan asses on my desk

mr wilson are you there yes go ahead let

me apologize once again for

disturbing you at your home at this late

hour in america

that's perfectly all right

superintendent lesoth is serrano with

you

the big dumpling in the weird suit

yes sir he's right here you screwed it

up cowboy what happened well he had a

briefcase

as near as we can tell palermo's people

in some way

tampered with the aeroplane and forced

it to land before it could get to sicily

now you listen to me geronimo the

maltese and italian authorities will

handle this from now on

i want you to catch the next plane back

to the united states and file your

report you understand

you saying i set up that's what the man

said cowboy

i guess you were right i should have

sent one of my boys from immigration

instead of a small town texas sheriff

superintendent misud thank you once

again for your assistance

and geronimo you have your orders thank

you good superintendent goodbye

always a pleasure to help goodbye mr

wilson good luck in your continuing

fight against dennis

rose stem salad you must learn to relax

joseph

yeah yeah yeah yeah i have a new

assignment coming up

in a few weeks where the far east

good i like cash and cuisine besides i

have been there in almost a year

or has it been that long who's the hit

your banker i'm ready don't do that with

the road

i'll get you off this island in less

than a week a week

a week please tell a man i'll get crazy

without doing anything

here come on please hello sister when i

was your age

joseph i sometimes have to show you

[Music]

okay hang on check this out man okay

watch see

and there same shot used twice

continuity hey mike come in here you got

to see this it's time to complain to

pearl hey pearl these movies you send us

oh good one mel dork what do you want

i'm busy

look at that mike's tripping pearl yeah

again what's his problem you see

sometimes mike just trips

uh-huh would you get him to stop this is

just one of those times

oh i see you're complaining

you're making the point that once in a

while these movies leave a little

something to be

yup can't talk now mike's tripping look

i get it

i'll get back to you mike's tripping

okay fine

now can i sorry mike's tripping gotta go

i get the point would you stop and let

me

what's that you say mike's tripping okay

i promise i will never send another

bad movie with joe don baker in which a

dark-haired sheriff in a small role gets

shot and slides down a wall twice

okay happy yeah all right

well it was hard but it was worth it yep

we'll be right back

nice job mike's tripping

the maltese macy's thanksgiving parade

the gunbelt theme i'm sure glad we get

to see joedon's accessories

come on in oh no what's open if they're

on the table

superintendent geronimo oh oh you're not

ripped

room service it's geronimo

deputy sheriff geronimo what you want

superintendent send me to see if i can

help you with anything

can you help me up the only thing i

really want here honey is palermo

i don't think you can help me there oh

i'm certain we will capture him he can't

possibly get away superintendent will

see to that

in the meantime since you've got the

rest of the day with nothing to do and

it's carnival time i thought maybe i can

show you around our island

what did he say after the ah thanks

anyway honey

oh she has no idea how lucky she is yeah

carnival

it's a big carnival can i get a balloon

that's what that noise all about

someone tossed me up a calzone

it's the lady elaine fairchild float

hey you really think palermo might still

be on this little piece of rock you call

malta

costume how big's this place well the

main island is only nine miles wide by

17 miles long

yeah pastor's big enough in texas my

people oh that'd be pretty hard to hide

out a place like this

i think i will take a look around talk

some people i'm not getting anything

done this hotel room well not anything

you need to know about

elaine venice disapproves

it's double chins on his eyelids

hey the maltese are excited they think

he's bum phillips

the kiss has softened their act hey it's

guccio the famous maltese children's

character guccio

there's anything to tie me over to lunch

eddie rabbits also visiting malta

clowns terrifying in any country

pay a hundred dollars for the rest of

that gelato

not even walking tall come on you must

have seen me in that

tammy faye baker

even the dead enjoy carnival

hey john major go spoil hop

man the embassy in malta rocks

we're out of beef broth so this is the

last ball shot

it's the aerobics competition on espn

the audience is facing the other way

debbie

both these strippers like me

the one on the right is the miles davis

of strippers

well i guess we better run

oh kermie take a look at my good stuff

bobo i didn't know he was in this movie

there he is

the statue of liberty after retirement

well happy saint europe day everybody

did you dose me mike

i wish you were a root beer float

hey wait where are you going wait for me

let's beat it or my huge maltese fan

base will crush me

dennis weaver

a float got loose oh no it's joe don

baker sorry

i'm starved mitchell thank you yeah bit

barton goldeneye yep

hugo boss and his bodyguards

you better stand up wind to me

right there just a little to the left

good joseph palermo

where is he mr palermo beijing mr

palermo

hi goon

okay that's close enough come on no

closer please hey no no

enzio there's a cowboy oh cowboy

this guy's taking too long in the phone

booth when i gotta pee

wow he's wearing a chia pet hat

none of them are sponge worthy

i think you can take me to a pizza place

[Music]

could that be hercules hmm

jackie o

[Music]

the ugly the ugly and the ugly

the last thing a sausage sees

[Music]

oh please don't fight

when fat kills fat

[Music]

let me fall and turn so that these

delicious roma tomatoes roll right into

my mouth

give me my jockey back oh

wait a minute don't do anything with

that kid pick up something hot with him

i'll blow his breeze up

show up

[Music]

okay i'll put it away come on

let's talk we're drifting apart

come on don't do anything don't juggle

or call your aunt

all right

and save napoleon come here

oh josephine

i will fart on your head as my revenge

superintendent here all right

that's right my little boats are coming

through

come on shut up carl

i'm wearing spurs on your italian marble

[Music]

really sir you must listen to the story

from the beginning then you will

understand what really happened excuse

me please

you want to see the americans ah yes

yes mr wilson from washington would like

to speak to you

the accursed menace has struck again

are you there mr wilson damn it geronimo

what the hell is going on over there

we've had excellent relations with malta

for over a hundred years you trying to

change all that

now what the hell is going on the

situation demanded action

what i did was appropriate i recognized

that the hell palermo get loose from me

so i

tease it that is correct sir the

situation was dictated by the suspect

they weren't suspects don't show me now

look cowboy

you do exactly as superintendent mifsud

says

do you read me geronimo exactly then get

your ass on the next plane back to texas

and obey lieutenant jeremy sue till then

do you read me

i'll read you sir superintendent

i am little thank you for your

understanding and once again let me

apologize on behalf of the united states

government for the

actions of sheriff geronimo apology

accepted thank you and if i can be

any further assistance please let me

know yes i will

let's hope we have no further need for

your assistance

goodbye he looks like rue mcclanahan

where's my gun your weapon

your weapon is staying clocked in my

desk

understand it's your country please try

and remember this really sir i must

protest geronimo did nothing

it's all right honey situation's all

been settled has been superintendently

soon

look thanks for speaking up for me in

there honey but it really wasn't

necessary

i didn't do it for you i did because it

was the truth and it's my job to tell

the truth

oh great step what you think your job is

yeah well foxy

well the way i see it it's his job to

get the law breakers off the street make

the streets safe for the good people get

rid of the scum

what about the law the police officer

must obey that too more gravy please

well you got into mailox maylocks no sir

then bring me a tall glass of milk okay

blossoming yes sir i'm gonna check

oh and another veal head are you okay

hook officer

awesome let me set you straight about

the law

of course the lawman must obey the law

the law must be just

now there's lots of bad people out there

using the law for their own thing

well some of us got to stand up for

justice seems awful simple to me

it is tell the politicians the lawyers

get involved you know how they are

your milk sir thank you appreciate it

barium

these arteries are just looking at each

other shaking their heads

are you sure you're okay i'm sure i'm

fine

thank you well well i did get shot up a

few years ago in dallas sometimes it

acts up a bit

maybe you're not used to malty's food i

don't know food's good

thank you this sure is a lot of it too

that fits right in with my plan

i think how much is that in uh american

money on the malta police department

oh thank you little lady you're welcome

huge man harris mama told me never to

pass up a free meal

[Music]

up with people it sure changed

i did that before i had kids

brought to you by the triangle

foundation

what are they cowboys pirates hardware

store clerks

ew valerie one of the guppies is dead

what can i get you i have from the rocks

we don't have

mixed drinks beer wine or straightly

care only which breeds

really had his heart set on the

rainbow's gin fizz

the indigo girls early days i'm honored

what can i get you

nothing thank you there's still a

million lira covered

get the worth of that cowboy that i'm in

this bar we'll be waiting for him okay

what a whopper can you come in the

dressing room tell me how these pants

fit

you could have your family more of what

my instructions are to show you around

our island

well i'm not here as a damn tourist i'm

here to get palermo

where to keep the broads how do you mean

hookers hustlers prostitutes

i heard that when sailors used to come

to our island there was a place called

the gut but

that'll be it which way is it we don't

accept coupons

i'm gonna put on hot pants and go

undercover you want a pig like palermo

you're gonna pick sideways wallace well

you'd know pigs

[Music]

because the beaufort puss excuse me

not for any price i hate to interrupt

your business but look at this italian

guy named joe palermo he's about six

feet tall 180 pounds real sharp dresser

i wonder if you can help me find him

or where others oh take american money

yeah all currencies oh look i'm not on

expense account so 20 bucks you're gonna

have to do huh

well you find him in smuggler's tavern

it's

two blocks up from here and then go left

again

you know this place all right thank you

honey he better not be lying to me

no good luck had a lot of sex

why am i not getting any business what

am i doing wrong

thanks share real pearlman

he's hanging around looking for some

black market propecia

hey crow you've got a golden ass shut up

boy it really spelled sony wrong

he's guarding malta's only plant

you'll see with your beef ribs you get a

little more meat whereas your pork ribs

offer a higher fat content

cheap crap get your cheap crap here

john risk davies for sale

enjoy my fuzzy puckered midriff mine too

fine too

oh my tummy hurts

see you in your nightmares what's the

matter you're being set up

there's a guy on a balcony it's an

ambush

there's two more palermo's man i will

sell no wine

he watched my back watch it jiggle as i

move

my first fat layer

i'm allergic to vermiculite

my operation

[Applause]

the spinners are getting away

[Applause]

no now what was that for

i'm telling the mob mob he's shooting at

me

remind me to buy something cute for mr

wilson

stop or we'll surrender

maria maria you realize you're with

joedon baker

i want every police officer in malta to

get this order

arrest sheriff geronimo on site is armed

and dangerous

use what precaution is necessary yes sir

the streets of san fran malta

his weight is forcing him down the

stairs

what was the guns fall

meatloaf texas ranger

[Music]

this must be the awful of the sick and

perverted mind of

mike nelson

god i hate cute oh

[Music]

buddy

oh come on nelson it's your annoying gob

of paper mache which you so

ingratiatingly called

goosey no this this is goosey guccio the

the beloved folk hero and tv star of

malta

guccio was sent up here as a goodwill

ambassador he he teaches children

lessons about love and sharing and

hygiene and

and you killed him oh wow sorry

mike yeah and uh sorry malta

i mean we we try to destroy only things

that are specifically yourself

just don't tell malza okay

[Music]

check it out looks like god's doing all

right for himself

dearly beloved we are gathered here to

get through this thing called life

oh great there's announcements

one new archbishop is cute

[Applause]

i hear the hosts are delicious here you

see him no i don't know where he went

uh oh we ascended into heaven

take a look around you know go ahead on

you know the problem with church is that

they wear their religion on their

sleeves

i mean i go into a church i don't want

to be assaulted with god god

god all the time

[Music]

i gotta bundle up before i whack that

gun

lord please make my hair a tangled grey

mass

thank you

i'm just going to read from the robert

james waller book today

your homily was directed at me last week

wasn't it

oh hi man

[Music]

domino's pizza delivers i don't know

please let me kill a lot of people

[Music]

wow apparently the malta vikings are

playing today

everybody's going out to those big mega

cathedrals in the suburbs now

father father i want to confess i can't

but please father i want to go fast

god is dead we're closed

[Music]

i overcooked my breasts

[Music]

anything you want anything you say

anything

what do you say

tom landry

and then i shot him 30 times

we gotta look behind these side doors we

need a priest they locked him up

look just stop sinning all right i

remember

something i had more seats to

[Music]

wait a minute guess he's a felonious

monk oh

man just have holes at walgreens please

have ocean walgreens bees

he's a beef town chunk on a saturday

night

bill carver

and there's the malta navy that's it

all of it

[Music]

hello major tom hello there major tom

how's it going tom

i hate running in long grass and heels

i'm going to nail some feces to his head

so sad the operation petticoat set

sitting out there rusting

yeah you'll have to grease me and push

me through here

good props in this movie

i had to chase a monk once only a bunch

of moldy brothers

god god there's a guy chasing me

the franciscan 10k race yeah the winner

gets to relinquish more of his worldly

goods

going by a house of blues

yes every exciting angstrom of their

chase will be shown

[Music]

this is people ball man

i gotta quit putting off that bypass

surgery

[Music]

wait hold on we're both out of bullets

i'm gonna look up his dress

yes ass has splashed across the screen

thank you

i'm scared of heights where there's no

him food i don't know where he is

we'll keep looking i'm going to lay down

for a while

now he was down jigging with the losers

and steerage

oh right in the lunch like punching a

bag of irish oatmeal

battling the ghost of christmas future

you screwed me on the royalties to that

chant album

[Music]

i'll flagellate myself thank you

oh thank you for saving me tiny woman

[Music]

damn it i forgot about vespers

i'm gonna go catch some monkfish

oh i remember this episode of superman

super monk went bad for a while but then

he got better

damn boat load limits i'm always

exceeding them

we're taking on water well that's just

me sweating

[Music]

a bunch of armed nuns on jet skis out

there waiting for him

my robe does wick away moisture

he's leaving a frangelico slick

[Music]

i lost city of the incase

[Music]

there's thomas merton piloting this

budweiser

this was all to get a shot of the pack

norse

this movie's really drawing me in to a

deep well of despair

oh man this isn't going to end until

they round tape horn is it

[Music]

oh you're looking for me

why don't men want to join the

priesthood anymore it looks like a blast

dangerous for joedon to be on the water

someone's bound to harpoon him

oh big gas bubble

[Music]

and the holy see promised air support

but never came through

this is how the crusades were fought too

right

today

you know at any time joedon could lay

down a torpedo

ah yes and now back to the beginning of

the chase

where is the perfect storm when you need

it

[Music]

wow that's not a sexual metaphor

it's illegal in that months

you know nets are overrated weapons yeah

throw a danish at them that would work

better

[Music]

yes and after all that our hero is down

with one punch

[Music]

nice try joe don i'm off to make xerox

commercials

you have faith no no not yet i'll get

this book

i swear these guys you have done many

jobs awesome

many times over the years you are the

best fallen for you

the best because you had no feeling no

emotion

but now you are trying he killed tony

this is special you've had your chance

give me 24 hours i'll kill him i swear

it

i'm afraid not joseph we're going to

euro disney tomorrow

i ain't going to need somebody from rome

this is going to end in a kiss isn't it

the heat in the far east is a gift to

you for the american give me 24 hours

that's all i ask

no you have one day

24 hours him

or you officer cassar told me what

happened

i guess it could have been kimbo vision

but you are a walking disaster area

sheriff

the last violence we had in malta was

some kids blowing up the toilets at the

earth

you come to our country and there are

bothersomeness and furthermore

like your own private shooting range i

realize that your name is that of a

great american indian warrior

but this wildness must stop well i

couldn't agree with you more

valero's men started shooting at me i

had to defend myself

yes yes i gave him look i still think i

can help you guys

man i tracked him in texas i chased him

all over this island of yours

i know him i know how he thinks i can

get that

[ __ ]

caused by you are not as god is my judge

i will keep you in custody until your

plane leaves tomorrow

their meal as an american police officer

that you will cause

no more problems there's an american

police officer

yes a giant baby and a hat

there was no buffet in there what the

hell's the deal boss wrong maria

this ain't gonna stop look i

killed my partner i killed his brother

there ain't no way this is gonna end up

with both of us walking around

but you gave your word to superintendent

live soon i gave my word as an american

police officer well i'm a texas llama

please don't do anything else

superintendent of suit will surely put

you away this time believe me i believe

you but that ain't the problem now the

problem is i gotta find palermo before

he finds me

take your pig mask off only we got honky

tonk he calls smugglers tavern where he

set me up

i'm gonna go talk to him good old boys

smuggler's tavern we have strippers and

skillet breakfasts

you know i prefer the embezzlers tavern

yeah

what's going on baker hmm

a shaved bear what will it be tax

any mailox mail up what the hell is that

let's give me a tall glass of milk

milk hey we got a real american cowboy

here

sorry tex no milk

why did he help me look at this italian

guy named joe palermo

oh that's him dancing around six feet

tall 180

pounds uh breath's a little bigger than

hers it's a nice dresser

i just serve drinks i don't pay

attention who drinks them

i wouldn't like it if i found out she

was lying to me well you're fat i know a

lot of italians

i'm talking this man yeah it's just my

business and drinking beer

you don't like beer egg i like smiles

yeah that's some of my feet

but no matter i had him beer proof

don't want in trouble here get the milk

lover

[Applause]

stop this fighting

[Applause]

clearly

[Music]

you don't want joe don throwing a stool

at you

[Applause]

okay i'll wait all right

[Applause]

look out man he has an inner tube

[Music]

he's winning but these guys are malted

he's battling a red hot chili pepper

oh the hall monitors are here

stop it carl

oh let's watch him q-tip his ears now

excuse me sir um

it has been a long day sheriff yes it

has we and malta will tell stories of

you to our great grandchildren i didn't

start that ruckus

that's what you call it i prefer

fracking my superiors fear that you

should be locked up for a very long time

how would you feel about that i wouldn't

like it sir no

i suppose you wouldn't our jails are not

as comfortable as yours in america are

they

well actually i wish ours were a lot

more like yours and flattery

will not help your situation here

sheriff head animal

actually i am to blame if obviously i

have been with you this

would not have happened i guess she was

not ready for this

assignment wait a minute it wasn't her

fault she didn't have a thing to do with

this

oh don't trouble yourself officer casa

has been relieved of feathers for some

energy regardless

she's been reassigned that is correct

well it's your business but let me tell

you she's one hell of a fine officer

thank you

say how about give me about 10 minutes

of that bartender now i can get the

information out here i'm not certain you

understand the position here

yeah my superiors have instructed me in

clear times

you are no longer involved with this

case i have personally questioned the

bartender

and has no knowledge of mr palermo yeah

well let me talk to him i can't get the

information your plane leaves in less

than 10 hours

yeah i suggest you stay in your hotel

and you will be escorted to the airport

tomorrow

i'm under house arrest you could stay in

your cell if you prefer hey could be

some slash

you have fleshy wrist choice is yours

your hotel

or your cell not a hotel but hey pal

come here i want to talk to you wait a

minute

day seven of his shirt

[Music]

tell me something about martin was there

really a falcon

well yes as a matter of fact it was a

long time

you okay heart attack that's the only

exercise he ever gets

hey

i'm sorry about this i hate it when you

throw a fight and nobody stays to help

you clean up

go away we're closed ooh we're not

closed for you

i don't want any more trouble well

that's exactly what you're gonna get

unless they get some answers about that

tally now look at that

you know my ancestors were large soft

rocks

they used to skin their enemies just

peel the skin

right off the bone well the trick was to

get it all in one peel like this

take a sharp knife and just cut layer

out a layer of flesh

real experts the apaches here are the

patches in it the cabbage patches

see maybe you want to tell me where i

can find this uh joe palermo

well maybe before i show you more about

how to scan somebody that's a monk all

right

i know this italian guy who's been

messing with one of my dancers

that's all where is she in there in the

dressing room

should not be lying to me or you won't

have an unpeeled orange in the place

i'd better call my mother she can defend

me from this big man

i told you we're not hiring i don't know

what you're talking about

i think you do i just make you realize

that you're better off telling me what i

want to know than not telling me what i

want to know

then you're going to tell me what i want

to know where do you go for prime rib in

this town

but i don't need this trouble

why you can't speak of something else

huh

what you don't need is trouble from me

whether

is a pussycat compared to me our hero

i'll murder herself who threatens women

with coat angles

look what thank you i will i am a dead

lady

if i've even seen with you i'll protect

you

you can hide in my hat

you're gonna have some fun cowboy well

usually the doctor just jabs my vast

white buttocks

i think it was juiced vegetables he just

can't handle it

[Music]

now let's look at this

ah here's where i left my ice cream cone

guess where this is going jordan

now put your hand in this bowl of

eyeballs

fire badge

jordan baker is carried to the set of

final justice

[Music]

they're going to grandpa's laboratory

[Music]

see that's the candle at the light when

joe don uses the bathroom

yeah we'll see what count chocula has to

say about this

wait a minute your hours are numbered

cowboy

i'm gonna make your death for you slow

cause i'm drunk

you're gonna pay for my brother you're

gonna pay for him

i'm gonna have a lot of fun this is good

expectations management

uh joedon we're not we're not done with

the scene jordan oh

well i'm glad we skipped a cavity search

did you want to see me yeah sit down oh

he's been invited to panel

it was not wise to bring the american

here

he'll be dead in 24 hours just like i

promised

then kill him and be done with it run

him over with your vespa

that is too easy i want to make it slow

for him

just sit with mr jerome who is dead by

tomorrow geronimo

i have my word very good again i am

aware of that

when i got the midnight to eight strip

shift so

when i left a load of triangles in the

dryer

[Music]

take me away penoir

i guess i better study for my strippers

board exams

why did she wear her prom dress to bed

christian slater's gonna fly tomorrow i

better get this back to him

um i sense cheeseburgers

lap dance home delivery you said you

protect me

did you mean it no palermo i won't

underestimate him again

you got my word okay

you know i really don't care for this

remake of a lion in winter

torch holders are an option on newer

homes

i should let you know i ate the mattress

in my cell i want to replace that

change into one of my nightgowns and

disguise yourself as me

upstairs usually i have night vision

goggles for raiding the fridge but i

forgot to bring them with me

uh please don't use the gas towels for

toilet paper like you did last time

thank you

[Music]

ah thank you for coming i'm ready to

present my report on malta

malta a nation and a country malta is a

small archipelago in the mediterranean

sea near sicily

the knights of st john founded malta in

the middle ages

industries are ship building

manufacturing and

tourism well thank you crow that was

very informal that's all the hard data

now on to the good stuff

it's interesting to note that the

country's population of 350 000

contains more women than men especially

since the men

are so womany in the first place ah

bro hang on mike it's no wonder malta is

one of the most conquered islands in

history

but with the maltese men who

consistently wet themselves

and surrender at the sight of anyone

remotely bigger than them now this

is interesting you bet this population

of so-called

men is known throughout the world as a

gaggle of flaccid ninnies

whose delicate fingers can barely hold

up their stinky malty cigarettes

what do you say wait it gets better

famous for breasts so bad it could melt

steel

these greasy goat-loving mama's boys are

known in the european community

for having the tiniest most shriveled

okay

please come on what my come on don't

tell me you're gonna defend

these witless tight-shirted clouds of

walking b.o okay

listen stop it okay there must be

something wrong with you let me take a

look at you

since when have you had the seething

hatred of maltese men

well ever since i was a little boy servo

some forgotten

maltese heart deeply wounded my tender

young psyche

uh you were never a little boy crow you

were built

in space well that's pretty traumatic

maybe i was built by some sweaty tiny

batch maltese capitulators

okay stop it now i think i found the

problem i think there's a

tiny flaw in the coding substructure of

the risk processor

no doubt put there by a lisping cheese

gorge maltese eunuch

all right i'll just uh swap this out and

you should be right as rain okay

all right uh there we go there uh now uh

crow what do you think about maltese men

who

maltese men i don't know i never really

met one

okay there we go back to normal uh we'll

be right back oh

maltese men well let me tell you about

those puking hairy neck freaks

[Music]

uh don't worry i'll subdue them by

laying on them

if i die i want to be buried next to the

sizzler

[Music]

he became a pillow your personal funk is

getting to me

i fell on my smockers

well to be fair he never said he'd

protect her neck

wow they have a strict early checkout

policy

out here in the fields

[Music]

get it up cowboy you got nowhere to go

that's what she deserves

geronimo i mean me

[Music]

finally paid off

[Music]

all right like his shins wouldn't be

protruding through his stomach after

that

jump

i'm glad that's a nudie suit in name

only

thank you no i think i'll need a

freighter

right now the screenwriters are asking

themselves have we had a boat chase yet

no i don't think so well should we look

back at what we've written just to make

sure

i think i'd remember if we'd done that

well evan we haven't done one we should

put one in

people love them yep that's what the

screenwriters are saying

[Applause]

[Music]

the movie midway had fewer boats than

this

ah he finally exploded

[Laughter]

don't worry his heart will go head-on

there's an elephant seal oh that's him

he lives with the fishes

although they're actually trying to kick

him out

go back out boy meanwhile there's

tsunamis slamming into it

is that a garden where is the body

at the bottom of the mediterranean how

can you be so certain

we were several miles at sea the

explosion alone would kill anyone

let's get out of this jukebox the

american has proven it is just not

anyone well

let's hope that this is done you're

welcome

gee every shark in the ocean and they

still can't finish him

[Music]

he has been missing for five days mr

wilson

we have combed the island for him if

this man palermo got him i'm afraid he

must be

dead probably buried somewhere far out

at sea

we'll never find his body i don't think

so sir

what makes you say that i'm just not

convinced that sheriff jeremiah's dead

but i'm dick cavett me too sir that

indian's still alive hey

shut up i feel it

two fully dressed silkies

hey malta get a tree

sadly his arm was still in there

[Music]

hey my dry cleaning done yet

[Music]

here it is liquid beef

[Music]

could i have my nook don't get home

i hope they're hiring triangle butted

dancers

now listen i've already told you all i

know

just one last time okay are you sure

that american didn't come back here

after the fight that's right and i've

got some damages which somebody must pay

for

hey i'm from malta if you see that

cowboy tell him i'm looking for him too

excuse me sir you wanted my final report

on sheriff geronimo

yes i do well i still can't believe it

but

nobody's seen or heard from him on the

whole island we're doing our bridal

registry

i can't stay here any longer i gotta get

back to the states

i'll be leaving tomorrow as far as i'm

concerned

thomas jefferson's geronimo the third is

dead

some dried cans but you nearly hit it

one more practice

pull it back hard but i'm a maltese male

sorry let me try

you're saving rocks in case there's a

rock shortage

[Music]

i used hot squirrels and jackrabbits

back in texas that's how we ate

we stuffed dead raw squirrels into our

mouths

[Music]

wait they blocked your hat

well they hustled him out of the village

pretty quickly but wait i'm still sick

and wounded uh-huh goodbye

[Music]

goodbye let's thanks a 10 with the

exchange rate

everybody's burping at me i can't smell

a thing they're eating

he makes randy quay look subtle and

diminutive

just because you won't be here it's okay

i want you to know that i'll find him

for you

alfredo sauce

well hell for all we know he's already

off this island oh no i don't think

our security and customs are very strict

or if he takes a boat

they have patrolled boats around their

island well if you think he's still here

i've got a couple hours for my plane

leaves there's a man i want to talk to

now wait a minute you're under strict

orders from superintendent mitsub not to

cause any trouble

i've personally guaranteed your behavior

i'm not going to misbehave

i just want to ask the spartan a few

little

[Music]

just

take it easy i understand your

frustration

i don't understand how you got a movie

role sheriff

this is not the wild west we have laws

here

we'll spend the night incarcerated and i

will personally escort you to the

airport tomorrow morning

but my bird doubles as my face

i'm sorry i was just following orders

yeah i understand orders you know

there's an old saying

you know you're right go ahead on just

right next night

now that there knows where palermo is

and i could have got it out of him

can you maria it's given me a lot to

think about

like how can one man be that sweaty

you're stuck in a mobius strip of a

movie

i'm sorry myself no one told me about it

i have the orders right here in my purse

now let me see the prisoner

i'm awful nervous with this thing so

don't do anything foolish just open up

the cell

hurry up quick open up i'm a martie's

man i surrender

sorry well get in there we'll work on it

yeah around

no i don't think so here i got your gun

good girl

let's lieutenant girl all right

i'll put brown and serves on this thing

i hope this works out

cause gold knows i've just ruined my

career yeah girls don't have careers

let's go

slow down sheriff if anyone sees us we

must not look suspicious

young lady took a lot of guts for you to

break me out of here

well we have a saying in malta like

you're saying in america

only here it goes right is might

and i believe that getting palermo was

the right thing to do

yeah make me some coffee and i want to

help get him let's hope your

superintendent of myths who agrees with

you how could i not love him i doubt it

[Music]

all right stop sleeping with davey

johnstone

no need to wake the little lady let's

have ourselves a

corrective interview yes i will go ahead

on and love him

la montevilla where it is yeah sure why

do you know where it is yes it's one of

the nicest houses on the island and

don lemon is a very respected

businessman from rome uh friendly

bartender says different

and where's this guy live well you'll

never get there by yourself i'd have to

take you there

just tell me where the guy lives now

look i've put my career on the line to

help you get palermo now the least you

can do is let me help

all right there's a pier leading up the

back way to the villa now if i only had

a boat a gravy boat

no problem man if she was only a roast

why didn't you change into her leather

action skirt but i'm

fine with it do you believe that

bartender was telling the truth

yeah this is the place all right they

got all the ham you can eat with choice

of sides

all right let me guess fails again the

police chief threatens him he gets put

in jail and it's funny

all right i'm gonna smuggle you in and

one of my neck folds

[Music]

no way okay then stay there

stay there there there

stay somewhere

[Music]

but i've got to help you all right i'll

keep an ear out while i keep this door

in no wait wait

let's try this hairpin

why would i kick a hairpin

well honey i am impressed i've been

doing this since i was a kid

just as far as you go but i've just

proved that i can help you

you don't even have a gun the way to

help is get some reinforcements with

some weapons

but i won't let you go in there alone

you'll never come out alive

yay my best bet to get the job done is

not having to worry about you

you're going do what i tell you

go be careful don't team up with any

chubby texans while i'm in here

and right into the guard dog's kennels

got to turn down the pressure on that

today

[Music]

pistol-whipping the suspect feels just

like texas

man he makes porter wagner look

underdressed

finish your coffee palermo please it's

coco maybe you'd like to join me cowboy

no thanks i had mine in jail this

evening

so we'll be having yours tomorrow so

this is the american

who's been causing all the trouble would

you like a robe i'm very impressed

sheriff you seem to have more lives than

a cat

you americans you're leo always think

you know the answers

but you are always wrong lou ferrigno

looks on

put down again

see mike that's what happened when i

shot you that time you would never

believe me

not

oh no i'm getting aroused

so this is an ill postino right

maybe now would be a good time to call

him a son of

[Music]

i can buy a styrofoam coffee table

it was an accident i didn't mean it

what's his fault

he's mine i always

you just do what you told i'll take care

of the family room

i'll take your orders to tony roma's if

you like a shin kawaii

huh

it does look fun i have to say

you should have stayed with your cows

sheriff should have stained my

cows

hey someone not hideous

all

get off the right cowboy freeze

don't anybody move i'm jerry reed

saw that mess upstairs what'd you guys

eat wilson

you take care of the big one i got blue

let's not do anything hasty lots of

people get hurt this way well everyone

ain't gonna start nothing are you you

got the son of him

oh palermo does his ample speed you're

not gonna do anything face to face are

you palermo

i have some questions i'd like to have

answers now that lamont is dead

he's going to pay me the rest of my

money

your money is completely safe the family

of rome will take care of that

oh popeye i'm really sorry about this

geronimo

nobody was supposed to get hurt romano

paid me a lot of money to keep

mr blair more here out of italy so

confused and hungry but it would be safe

using a

dumb texas sheriff like yourself you

figure wrong

hold it right there mr wilson dennis put

your gun down

me me me

horse fly on your nose sorry

still confused still hungry i guess i

should thank you young lady

you just sent me 250 000.

you watch the cowboy foster i'll watch

the cowboy poster

huh he's the mobster who gives people a

stern talking too

[Music]

just let me borrow it come on

yes the longtime texas maltese rivalry

comes to a head

oh yeah i can only get my sausage

fingers around this gun

[Applause]

oh

and pick your nose if you scream

oh hot hot gun

he's got a juice all over him

and now the thick meaty conclusion of

final justice

take it easy well the gun gets it i i

mean the girl

don't be stupid cowboy i'll blow your

friends out

all over the boat just pull the gun over

here i'm hit let's talk

i miss her little chats he said

something else about 250

000 okay i was going to have to pay

wilson anyhow

just give me that gun we're gonna make a

deal huh he's serious

all right i'm putting it away i just had

a really hard day

you've been dumber than i [ __ ] oh boy

tell me about it yeah

i can't save a lot of money with one

bullet one

and i can get rid of a skunk like you

with just one bullet

someone salted him so his juices are

coming up

thank you take me yeah if i can get my

mom's car

go ahead on he's going a heading awning

[Music]

our hero a big stinky cheater

my cheater my biggest got my badge

did you get it for me

what what what kind of a great last line

is that

now uh you know this music makes me want

to put a triangle on my privates and

squirm around

like in the movie like what are you

talking about

or he'll steal your

cause lunch got the runs

oh yeah play it

listen to that guitar solo i think it's

by eric clapp

yeah eric clapp

[Music]

hey joedon's personal process we've made

it into the credits

[Music]

yeah pass the gravy now

you know maybe we should lay off the

food jokes guys yeah i guess it's not

really fair to joe don baker

i mean some people just metabolize just

a little meatballs pride in love

all right servo sorry mike all bets are

wrong come on

eat eat eat eat eat

eat money

gorgeous

[Music]

now you guys prepared that come on it's

an obvious line mike

pork chops cream puffs candy bars

sauce cheetos

he won't stop till he eats it

okay that's it i'm going you good

you're your food joe give me seconds

baby

hey baby you gonna finish that

anyone gonna eat that last piece of cake

cause i will

ah somebody give me a napkin hey

hey hey hey where'd mike go mike my

ditch dust mike

ten seconds and counting what what's

going on up here jips

seven seconds oh it's so sad

so

i'm ready you guys boy i can't wait to

see spooner wisconsin again

servo crow gypsy so long i love you guys

mike what what are you doing in there

well it's my turn to

escape joel got to go right after he saw

a really bad joe don baker movie so you

know i just figured

mike well anyway i left you plaque there

with an inspirational poem on it it's

from my

favorite movie herbie goes to monte

carlo he's in trouble

though you are small and white your

wheels are silver

and they always inspire mike i'm sorry

buddy but

you're not going anywhere nope but i

just suffered through a really bad joe

don baker movie

unrelated mike sorry you see gypsy sent

joel back to earth in an escape pod

she hid in a box of ham dingers there

are no more escape pods mike

you do know that you're sitting in the

water heater don't you

yeah i know come on upstairs honey we'll

make you some swiss miss

well how about if we see a really good

joe don baker movie well i think i can

guarantee you that's never going to

happen mike

yep pearl's calling poor fella really

see now that's funny nelson pretending

you're

stupid enough to think you could ever

escape me

and here's something else we recommend

to keep those chuckles coming at the

office

funny dress-up day workers are more

light-hearted because they are wearing

whimsical expressions of faux

individuality

for instance i'm wearing wacky

mismatched colors

and balboa what do you have on well

lawgiver i went ahead on and took a cue

from joedon baker

heck every day is funny dress-up day for

him

the resemblance is uncanny oh boy and

here comes brain guy

my my you went all out for funny

dress-up day

funny what your outfit

oh this no no no i i just have a date

tonight

don't wait up

nothing will never be

funny again

now

[Music]

you think you take me go ahead on

it's your move