Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 11, Episode 7 - Track of the Moon Beast - full transcript

♪ In the not too distant
future ♪

♪ Somewhere in time and space

♪ Mike Nelson
And his robot pals ♪

♪ Are caught
In an endless chase ♪

♪ Pursued by a woman
Whose name is Pearl ♪

♪ An evil gal who wants to
Rule the world ♪

♪ She threw a few things
In her purse ♪

♪ And in her rocket ship

♪ She hunts him
All across the universe ♪

- ♪ I'll get you!

♪ I'll send him
Cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst I can find
La-la-la ♪

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And I'll monitor his mind
La-la-la ♪

♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
Begin or end la-la-la ♪

♪ He'll try to
Keep his sanity ♪

♪ With the help
Of his robot friends ♪

♪ Robot roll call
Cambot! ♪

- ♪ You're on
- ♪ Gypsy!

- ♪ Oh my stars
- ♪ Tom Servo!

- ♪ Check me out

- ♪ Croooow!
♪ I'm different

♪ If you're wondering
How he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts
La-la-la ♪

♪ Just repeat to yourself
"It's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000!" ♪

- Hi, everyone.

Welcome to
the Satellite of Love.

As you can see, there's been
some changes in Tom.

It's a little difficult
to explain, so--

- Oh, not difficult
at all, Mike.

Acting on some ancient urge
imprinted in my very genes,

a few days ago,
I wiggled my way onto a twig

and began squeezing
a thin stream of liquid

from my spinneret,

which I turned into
a soft button of silk.

Then, using wave-like movements
of my body,

I rolled my skin off
toward my rear,

exposing the soft front parts
of the pupa--

- Okay, okay.
- --which had already formed--

- Okay, all right.
The point is--

- I'm a butterfly,
and a glorious one at that.

- Right, so the Tom Servo
we've all known and loved--

- Oh, nothing but a larvae,
Mike,

and it was a surprise
to me, too.

Hell, I didn't even know
I had a spinneret

until I began squeezing that
thin stream of liquid, you know?

- Okay, enough with
the thin stream.

Now, the colorings, is that
a camouflage of some sort?

- Uh, yeah.
Well, unfortunately,

I blend in
only with myself, Mike.

Makes me
incredibly susceptible

to being eaten
by a barn swallow.

I tend to survive
only a day or two.

- Yeah, well,
until that happens,

I whipped up
a little nectar for you.

Here you go.

- Oh, oh, boy,
mm, mm, mm.

Hey, my proboscis doubles
as a party favor.

- Yeah, neat.
We'll be right back.

- Give me some.

Mm, mm, mm, ooh,
that's good nectar, mm.

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Ah.

- Hey, Servo,
what happened to your, uh--

- I'm still a beautiful
butterfly, Mike.

I've had a few
unfortunate happenstances,

such as my wings being torn off
in an industrial accident.

Well, that depressed me,
so I ate a lot of Mallomars

and gained all the weight back.

But I was soon feeling better
and went back to work;

but, alas, someone
turned down the extruder

while I was cleaning it,

and my bottom two pairs
of delicate butterfly legs

were ripped from me.

Again depressed,
I hit the Pecan Sandies hard

and gained my remaining weight
back in my remaining arms.

My arms,
by now in a metabolic frenzy,

started to leach fats
from my antennae,

which made them so thin
as to be invisible.

But I am still
a beautiful butterfly, Mike,

and butterflies are free to fly,

fly away, high away--
bye-bye.

Ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

- Well, makes sense.

- And I still have my proboscis.

[ BUZZER BUZZING ]

- Uh, right.
Oh, uh, Pearl's calling.

- Hm?
- And it seems urgent.

- Hm.
- Yes, Mrs. Forrester.

- Mike, what are you doing?
It's 10:00!

- And you don't have
your penguin costumes on yet!

- He said
we would meet here at 10:00

with our penguin costumes on
already!

- Hurry up and get 'em on!
We haven't much time.

Hurry!

[ BOTS STUTTERING ]

- I don't--
- Hey, it's not our fault.

It's, uh, it's Mike's.

Yeah, why didn't you
tell us, Mike?

- Yeah, that's great.
Mike didn't tell us, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, you couldn't even
have left us a note

on the refrigerator door?

- I--
- Right.

- We don't have
a refrigerator.

- Exactly, Mike.

We don't have a refrigerator,

'cause you don't make
enough money to get one,

because your job stinks,

'cause you never
stayed in school.

- 'Cause you were too lazy

to get proper post secondary
school training,

so we have to suffer for it.

- Exactly--
that's why it's your fault

we don't have our costumes on.

- Mike's fault.
- Yeah.

- Stop talking nonsense!
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!

- Before it's too late!

- In the name of all that is
good and decent, gentlemen,

put on your penguin costumes.

[ BOTS GRUNTING ]

- Sorry.
- Baa.

- Boy, these, uh,
these old costumes were,

uh, all we could come up with.

- Baa.
- Sorry.

- Heh, heh.
- Baa.

- I think we're,
I think we're ready.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Oh, Nelson,
you guys are total rubes.

- I can't believe
they fell for it.

[ LAUGHING ]

- I've never met anyone
as gullible as you poor dopes.

- To be pulled in by
such a simple thing like this.

All we had to do
was call 53 costume shops

to find one that had
three penguin costumes,

reserve them
eight months in advance

with a huge cash deposit,

then pay the balance
of $899 per costume

to rent them for an hour,
then put them on,

then wait 'til you guys woke up
and finished breakfast,

then call you and make believe

we had set
an appointment up with you

to wear penguin costumes,
and then you fell for it!

It was so simple!

- Actually, it was a titch
pathetic of us, I'm afraid.

- It was.

- Yes.

- Well, well, you guys
should be even more humiliated.

Nelson, you have
a dog costume on.

Heh, heh.
[ LAUGHTER ]

- Aha, ha!

You all have ridiculous-looking
penguin costumes on.

- And you're out
a lot of money and time.

Burned you, man!

- Ooh, hoo-hoo!
- Heh, heh, heh.

- I hereby decree that you are
more burned than us.

Your humiliation is at least
one percent higher.

We win.

Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah.

To celebrate, we're sending you
a horrible, smelly movie.

It's called,
"The Screaming Skull!"

Eat it!

- We're so stupid.

[ SOBBING ]

[ LAUGHING ]

- Boy, do they look stupid.

- Yeah, at least
we maintained our dignity.

- Yep.

[ BUZZER BUZZING ]
- Movie time!

- Ridiculous.
- Oh, way better than theirs.

[ MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Let me get that for you.
- Oh, boy, thank you.

- Robot Rump?

- Hooray.

- Aw, I was hoping
it'd be about robot rumps.

- Damn.

NARRATOR:
On Saturdays,

Gumby used toy robots
to do his chores,

so that he and his pal Pokey
could relax;

but on this day,
something unexpected happened.

- Gumby was nude.

- Mother, may we both have
a glass of milk?

- Yech.
- You certainly may.

- One of my classmates died
in the kiln today, Mother.

- The nice thing about Gumby

is that you can use him
as window caulk.

- Yeah.

- Are you getting
your work done all right?

- Look out the window, Mother.

- Pokey left a big surprise
in your begonias.

- Well, I declare,
that was a clever idea.

- This way, we don't have to
hire illegal immigrants.

- But remember
to return the robots

when you're through with them.

- Sure, Mother!

- Don't you worry your
squishy little head about it.

- Hey, don't! That's
Wallace and Gromit's yard.

- Hey, that's Old Girl's clay.

- Hmph,
habitat against humanity.

- ♪ Sixteen ton
What do you get ♪

♪ Another day older

- Clay figures, go home.

- Rump.

- Such clever boys

certainly deserve
some crackers with their milk.

- Crackers? Wow!

Maybe they can have
white rice later.

- Close-ups reveal the weakness
of the whole premise.

- Yeah.

- Gumby, look.

- Damn, I need more pig's blood.

- Oh!

- Mrs. Gumby is stacked.

- Gumby.

- Yeah, yes, Mother?

[ LAUGHTER ]

- I want you to--
oh, help!

- Ah, we'll have to
take this down to the shop.

[ LOUD CRASH ]

- Hm.

- Well, you use one of those
older Philips analog chips

in your robot,
you're gonna get this.

- Oh.

- Help, Gumbo!

[ PHONE RINGING ]

- So, he just goes to work
starkers?

- Fire department.

Well, oh, right away, dear.

- I'll use the company car.

[ CHUCKLING ]

[ SIREN BLARING ]

- Out of the way, there.

- It's a fair to partly
caught me day.

- Gumbo is sentenced to wear
permanent bellbottoms.

- Are you all right, dear?

- You came just in time.

- What the--?

- Ah, you're kind of
slacking off

on the house shaking here, Ron.

[ ROBOTIC SOUND ]

- I'm going to set you
on Don Knotts strength.

- Oh, in the name of
all that is clay.

- Better mow
the shag carpeting.

[ ROBOTIC SOUND ]

- That squares my breasts.

- Anybody hurt?

No, but go to the garage,
quickly.

- Uh-oh.

- Mom threatened to make me
into a ball.

- Look, Gumby. Your father
didn't stop that one.

- I wonder why the Gumbys
never had any other children.

- Good question.

- Uh-oh.
- My tail is lifting.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Gotta move this body
back upstate.

- Oh, Gumbo,
look at my flower bed.

- I'm gonna glaze your backside,
young man.

- Ooh, bad move.
Robots do not fight clean.

You know that, Mike.

- Oh, yeah.

- See.

That's what you get.

- Oh, wow.

- Oh, thank goodness for
the internal genitalia.

- ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

- Pay for my head bump surgery,
and I'll get you down.

- Son, I'll need a can of
Play-Doh to replace my butt.

There's only one way
to stop that robot now.

- On CNN.

- Is Gumbo a matador?

- I think someone
just sold him a bad rug.

- Oh.

- Meet death, Robot.

- Ah!
- Oh!

- Liquid metal.
- Wow.

- Hey, you can throw things
through Dad.

I'm gonna get an anvil.

- He's extremely
high-crotched.

- I bought this with the
royalties from an earlier short.

- When did Gumby get
a Class F license?

- Hm.

- Oh, look at that robot.

Oh, that's disgusting!
Oh--

[ GAGGING ]

- Davey and Goliath
are moving in next door.

There goes the neighborhood.

- She's got a sweater
wrapped onto her head.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Oh, I pooped again.

- My seventh day
with no food or water.

Please have mercy.

- Ah, they hung his head, oh!

- Now I'm ready for years of
powerful Adlerian therapy, Mike.

- Oh, they hung his head.

Oh, oh, this is worse than
"Seven," oh.

[ GAGGING ]

- Hey, his bump
is on the other side.

- Oh, oh, horrible, oh.

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Wow.

- Thank you and goodnight.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Shouldn't that be under
a pile of Chinese food?

- What a lovely arrangement
of popcorn balls.

- Out-- I hate it
when people die.

They make such a big deal
out of it.

- I know, it's so--

It's like a dead person
won the Kentucky Derby.

- Al Lewis' one-man show.

- This reminds me, Mike,
we're out of embalming fluid.

- Yeah.
- Oh, boy.

NARRATOR: "The Screaming Skull"
is a motion picture

that reaches its climax
in shocking horror.

- But we cut that.

NARRATOR:
Its impact is so terrifying

that it may have
an unforeseen effect.

- Oh.

NARRATOR:
It may kill you.

- If you watch it
in front of a moving bus.

NARRATOR: Therefore,
its producers feel

they must assure
free burial services

to anyone who dies of fright

while seeing
"The Screaming Skull."

- Offer void in Utah,
Florida, and Arizona.

Taxes and acquisition
fee not included.

Must take delivery
of dealer stock.

- Hey, guys,
I'm gonna get a free coffin,

put some ice in it,
fill it with beer,

have a great theme party.

That's, that's what I'm doing.

What are you gonna do
with your free coffin?

- Would you take those off?

- Oh, sorry.

There.

- Yep, shocking horror.

[ FROG CROAKING ]

Rec-eka-cax, coax, coax.

- You guys might be tempted

to make a smoke on the water
joke here,

but I urge you to refrain,
please.

- Okay.

- Okay, who turned up the heat
in the hot tub?

[ BOTS AND MIKE HUMMING ]

- My Sharona...

[ BOTS AND MIKE HUMMING ]

- Yep, when you think
shocking horror,

you think German
oompah band music.

[ BOT HUMMING ]

- Mazzola corn goodness.

[ SCARY MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Ooh.

[ BOT SINGING ] Assistant
Director, Maurice Vaccarino...

2nd Unit Photography,
Kenny Peach...

- Good.

- Oh, I ka-knew a Kneubuhl
one time.

Thank you!
[ CHUCKLING ]

- Betty Jane Lane.

I knew a Peggy Sue Turnpike
one time.

Thank you, thank you.
[ CHUCKLING ]

- You're welcome.

- I knew an Alex Kristy MacNicol
one time.

Thank you very much,
goodnight.

- Yes, shocking horror
arrives in style

in your 1953 Mercedes!

- Can't get the--
get the damn key out of the--

uh, forget it.

Ooh.

Ugh, ooh, that's tough.

- Ah, Davenport.

- Just need to adjust you.

There you go.

You're fine.

[ BOT HUMMING ]

- Welcome, Mrs. Whitlock.

- It's lovely, Eric.

ERIC: You looked disappointed
for a moment.

- I did not.
It's really lovely.

Oh, look!

- Out of my way.

[ CHUCKLING ]

[ PEACOCK SQUAWKING ]

- Help us.
NBC is after us.

Hide us.

- I'll bet
that's the den there.

- That's right.

JENNI:
Is that a bedroom?

- It could be.
Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

- Yes, it is.

- That'll be ours?

- It'll need
some fixing first.

- It was her room, wasn't it?

- Yes.
Come on along.

I'll show you
the rest of the house.

- Wee.

[ BOT HUMMING ]

- I'm pleasant,
but I have issues.

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Oh. Uh, choir's late.

- No black-soled shoes,
please.

ERIC: Ah, it's rather
forbidding now, I suppose,

empty like this,
but it was usually this way.

- Coated with filth.

ERIC: Shortly after
Marian and I were married,

she removed all the furniture
her parents had left her.

"This is our home,"
she used to say,

"and we must choose
everything carefully."

- Is he reading from a report?

ERIC: Didn't get very far
before she died.

- Uh, ooh, uh, uh.

ERIC: But now that you're here,
it's going to be lovely again.

- And that ends my narration.

ERIC: I'll get her things
out of storage tomorrow.

They're all in town
at a warehouse.

- So, best of luck
with our marriage.

Hope to see you again soon.

ERIC: And I'll take care
of that, too.

- No candles?

- Sure.

- Yeah.

- It'll be twice as romantic.

- Speaking of being romantic--

- I invite you to join me
in marital intercourse.

- Uh, forget to carry you
over the threshold.

- Oh.
- Clapton, look.

- Ooh, mm.

- I love you.

I love you.

ERIC:
Oh, Jenni.

I thought life
had died out for me.

- And this confirms it.

- Hm-- eww, gross, ah!

- Want to go hunt for bugs?

- Here, have a stick, honey.

- Mm-hm.

- What's that up there?

- Oh, that's where Mickey keeps his gardening things.

- Who's Mickey?
- The gardener.

- As previously implied.

- He's kept it up the two years I've been away.

- By himself?
- That's right.

- He must work awfully hard.

- Oh, he and Marian
would spend hours on end

working here in the garden--

--and up in the greenhouse
back there.

- What does Mickey do?

- See, he loved her very much.

Sometimes I used to wonder
who she was--

my wife or Mickey's nursemaid.

- Ooh.

- You know, I don't think
he quite believes she's gone.

I think he expects her

and scold her
for neglecting the gardens.

- You still love her,
don't you?

- Hey, look,
you're second choice.

Accept it.

- Hm?

- No, I'm not jealous.
I'm grateful to her.

I think to have loved once,
really loved,

to learn how to love always--

- Hm.

- Learning it from her,
you give again to me.

- Look, I made a mustache
with your hair, heh, heh.

- I wish there was
some way to thank her.

- I love you, deceased wife--
I mean, Jenni.

[ CAR HORN BLOWING ]

- Who's that?

- I don't know.

Hey, they're driving
around the back.

- Oh, it's the robots I hired
to do the yard work.

- Come on, come along.

- Get in the shop
before the jump cut occurs.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Eric!
- I see Eric.

- We stopped by
to meet your new wife.

- And you forgot your baby!

- Oh, Eric, this is
a wonderful surprise!

- It's been a long time.

- Yes, it has.
- Yeah.

- Reverend.
- Good to see you, Eric.

- Jenni, this is Mrs. Snow.

- I'm very happy to meet you.

- Jenni, this is
a lovely surprise.

- Yeah.

- And the Reverend Mr. Snow.

- Hello, my dear.

- Oh, she's sweet, Eric.

- I know.

- I happen to be
going into town.

I ran into Mr. Mauer.

He told me you were
getting back today.

- And we thought
we'd just drop by

and bring you something
for your dinner.

- How nice.

[ MIKE MAKING TICKING SOUND
LIKE A BOMB ]

- And it'll save you
all the bother of shopping

while you're trying
to get settled.

- Then why don't you stay
for dinner?

- Oh, no, not tonight.

- Oh, no, no,
we wouldn't think of that.

- Oh, now, please say yes.

- We'd like for you to.

- It would be like old times.

- All right, on the condition
that I do the cooking.

- You don't have to.

MRS. SNOW: You know,
I know that, but I'd love to.

- I'll bring fill dirt.

- Why, there's Mickey.

Excuse me, honey.

Mickey!

- Hey, it's Mickey,
and he's wearing pants today.

- Hey!

- Oh, Mickey.

- Ah, poor Mickey.

- He's so fine,
he blows my mind, poor Mickey.

- He keeps this place up
like a shrine.

- My husband loves me mostly,
though, right?

- Eric told me
how he loved Marian.

- Mickey's father
was the gardener here

when Marian's mother was alive.

- So lay off.

- Mickey and Marian
grew up together here.

- Jenni, this is Mickey.

- Mickey's
a wide-awake nightmare.

- How do you do, Mickey?

I hope we'll be good friends.

[ SINISTER LAUGHTER ]
- Thank you, heh.

- Well, Mickey?

- Give her your paw.
That's a good boy.

- Thank you, Mickey.

- Well, shall we all go inside?

- That's a good idea.
- Heh, heh.

- Mickey, remember,
you promised me

some of those rose cuttings.

- All right.

- Heh, heh.

- I'm going to have to
get you down to the barbershop
one day real soon.

- I like Mickey.
- Heh, heh, heh, heh.

- Excuse us, Mickey.

- Well, Mother, what should we
do with our naughty miscreants?

- I think we should give them
milk and cookies, hooray!

- Hi, guys.
- Oh, hi, Mike.

Uh, you're just in time to
enter our wonderful clay-based

world of whimsy and wonder.

- Yeah, where
under the surface

lurks a rat's nest of
seething violence and hatred!

Whee!
- Hooray.

- Oh, neat.

Uh, you want to
unpack that for me?

- Uh, sure, Mike.

Welcome to the land of
our two little clay figures,

Bolus and Horse Flop.

- Oh, what do they do?

- Well, mostly, they gather
lint, hair, and animal dander.

- But they share an impassioned
hatred of robots.

Uh, move the robots
up there, will you, Mike?

- Oh, yeah, okay, sure.

- In this colorful story,
our two pranksters hire

some well-meaning,
unsuspecting robots

who want nothing more
than to serve humanity

to the best
of their abilities.

- And the two wretched
lumps of filth

carry out a campaign
of terror and savagery

on the handsome,
helpful robots.

- Okay, I think I see

where you're going
with this, you guys.

- Good, you work the lumps,
we'll do the voices.

- Oh, guys, come on.

I know you're hurting,
but let's just--

- Please, Mike!
Just work the lumps!

- Okay, all right, fine.

[ SERVO SHOUTING GIBBERISH ]

[ CROW SPEAKING GIBBERISH ]

- Okay, now, Mike,
make the lumps smash the robots.

Go ahead, go ahead,
come on.

- Oh, come on, Crow,
come on.

- Smash them.

- Don't put yourself
through this, man.

- No, Mike! This is what happens
in the real world.

Horrid lumps of discharge
destroy beautiful,

innocent robots with impunity,
laughing all the way.

- You guys, you guys,
calm down.

I'll tell you what.
I'll make a note to Pearl

to go easy on the Gumby shorts,
all right?

- Thank you, Mike.

[ BOTS SOBBING ]

- Dear Pearl, please go easy
on the Gumby shorts.

- Oh, can you get some
Dizzy Grizzlies there, Mike.

We need them for the trauma
we're experiencing.

[ BOTS SOBBING ]

- Get Dizzy Grizzlies
for trauma they're experiencing.

We'll be right back.

[ BOTS SOBBING ]

Come on, come on, soon you're
be munching Dizzy Grizzlies.

Calm down.

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Oh, there he is.

You know, have people wised up
to hiring guys like this?

- Now, come on, Mike.

How is he any different
than you, really?

- I'll just grab a goldfish
for lunch.

- Aw, nothing like a bath
to perk me right up.

- Well, I'd better go
rotate the hostages.

- This is all gunk
that sloughed off Mickey.

- Mm.

- All right, that's done.

MRS. SNOW:
Oh, stop, please, please!

Oh, oh, oh, Edward, you're
liable to break your neck.

ERIC: You're doing great,
Reverend.

- Don't worry.
- Good heavens.

Honestly, the two of them
are just like children.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Children love to hang drapes.

- I hope you have more luck in getting your husband to mind

than I've had with mine.

- You know,
you've got to admit

it does make the room
look better.

- It went very well.

For penance, you can come
and help me with dinner.

Now, come on.

Edward, you keep
Jenni company.

- Yes, dear.

- My wife and I
have an understanding.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Oh, man, it's like
a buffet of victims.

I don't even know
where to start.

- Ah, Van Gogh's "Howdy!"

- No, Marian, no.

Send them away.

- Exit stage left.

- Huh?
- No.[ CHUCKLING ]

- And I'm Zoroastrian,

and my husband
doesn't even know it.

- Oh, she's so very nice, Eric.

- Jenni?
- Yes.

- Isn't she wonderful?

- Yes, she's not
at all like Marian,

and I think
that's for the best.

- I went someplace,
and I'm sad.

- You know, so many men,
when they lose a wife,

they try so hard to deny
they lost their marriage

to someone exactly
like the first wife.

It hardly seems fair
using the living

to bring back the dead,
does it?

- No, I suppose it doesn't.

We make a prison for ourselves
out of the past,

at least our sentimental,
wished-for pasts.

- Mrs. Snow?

MRS. SNOW: Yes, dear.
- Shut up.

- There's something I must
tell you and the Reverend.

- Well, of course, Eric.
What is it?

- You see, Jenni has not had
a very happy past.

- Oh?

- And talking about it
or about something

that might strongly
remind her of it--

she's very impressionable.

- Is there something wrong,
Eric?

- No, not really.
You see--

- I buy local.

- --she lost her parents
many years ago

in a very tragic way.
- Hmph.

- And talking about
unhappy pasts only--

she's very impressionable.

See, I want her to be happy,
Mrs. Snow.

- Of course you do,
and so do we all.

- Mm-hm.

- Now, how did she lose them?

- Mm, she set them
on top of the car

and then drove off.

- Well, I'm not prying, dear.

It's just that Mr. Snow
and I can help better

if we know something about it.

- They drowned in an accident.

- Hi, Debby.
- Jenni saw it all.

- Well, thank you
for the hand grenade.

- Who's Mr. Mauer?

- Mr. Mauer?

Why, he's a lawyer in town.
-Why--

- I thought no one knew
we were coming.

You said you heard
from Mr. Mauer.

- Why, Eric wrote him.

- Why?

- He takes care of the estate,
or what's left of it.

- Oh, that's right.
Eric has to see him tomorrow.

- Why, why?

- Well, Eric is co-executor
of the estate,

along with Mr. Mauer.

You see, Marian's death
was so sudden;

and, well,
all that was left to Eric

was the house
and these grounds.

Mr. Mauer told me
that Eric had found someone

very sweet and very kind

and with whom he was
very much in love.

He didn't say enough.

- Unfortunately,
that all fell through.

- Mm-hm.

- I've still got it,
heh-heh.

- How did Marian die?

- Didn't Eric tell you?
- He sat on her head.

- I think the subject
is rather painful to him.

I, I'd like to make him
talk about it.

- Let's say she was
riddled with bullets.

- Would you mind telling me?
I'd like to know.

- It was a rainy day--

- And he shot her.

- She and Mickey
had been working

up there in the greenhouse.

She left him to go back to
the house for a few minutes.

- Uh, then a lion jumped out
and shot her;

at least that's what Eric said.

- The way we pieced it together after the accident is that--

- She got shot.

- --while she was coming
down this path,

apparently,
it began to rain very hard.

- Then she got dead.

- She must've run along here.

We don't know, of course,
what happened then.

- We should've
called the police.

- Perhaps she slipped
on a leaf.

The base of her skull
was smashed.

- Anyway, how are you?

[ CHUCKLING ]

- It was thought
that she hit her head

on the edge of this cement wall where we're sitting.

- Ugh.

- And she fell in there.

She died in the water.

That's where Eric found her
ten minutes later.

- Dave Pirner searches
for his ball.

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Marian, Marian,

you said, you said,

"Mickey, wait here;

I'm going down to the house
just a minute."

- Mm, yeah.

- "Wait here, Mickey,"
you said,

and then you went away
in the rain.

- Hm, he's growing pot.

- Oh.

- And you didn't
come back to play.

Marian, why did you--

- Get a box!

[ LAUGHING ]

- What became of you?

- And don't forget
that you and Eric

are coming for lunch
day after tomorrow.

- Hm.
- We'll do better than that.

We'll come to church
on Sunday, as well.

- Oh, getting Eric to church
is like moving a mountain.

- He'll come.

- Come along, my dear.
It's getting late.

- Yes, you, hot stuff.

- Eric, thank you very much

for bringing Jenni
into our lives.

- Thank you for the dinner.

- It was a pleasure.
Have a good night.

- Goodnight!
- Goodnight.

- Heh, oh, what the hell
was that?

- Did you know that Jenni
is very wealthy?

- Why, yes, Mr. Mauer
told me in town today.

- Well, she's not at all
like Marian.

You know, she's so gentle
and timid, as if,

as if she were
afraid of something.

- I did have a gun in her ribs
during dinner, but--

- I knew you'd like
my friends, dear.

- Yeah.

- Hey, what's this, huh?

- Hm?

- Just happy, that's all.

- Rats.

- Oh, come here.
- So happy.

- Come on.

- Hey, nice pad
he's got there.

- Shut up.

- I'm gonna start my own pond.

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Ah, I could read
Paul Reiser's autobiography

over and over again.

- How are the cots?
- I have a headache.

- Fine.

- It was either
the clown wallpaper

or the flat gray paint.

- What are you reading?

- "Avoiding the Old Goat"
by Ann Landers.

- Something Mrs. Snow
sent over.

- Interesting?

- It was!
- Mm-hm.

- It's called,
"Beast in the Jungle."

- It's about what to expect
on my honeymoon.

- Da-do.

- It's all about a man
who waited all of his life

for something great and
wonderful to happen to him.

- Then he gets me.

- He had
only one good friend.

- Hm?

- It was a woman
in whom he confided.

- Hm.

- And she died.
- It's really hilarious.

- At her grave,
he suddenly realized

that she was the great
and wonderful thing

that he'd waited for
all of his life.

- Huh.

- But it was too late then.

- Wow, too bad.
So, a sum?

- His memory is like
a beast in the jungle,

rise up out of the past.

- Hm.

- Overwhelming.

- Oh, poor fellow.

- Now let me tell you about
Norman Schwarzkopf's book.

- He doesn't know
what he missed.

- Flat, drab passion
meanders across the screen.

- Mm, so, anyway,
in the second chapter,

this fellow finds out
that what he looked for was--

[ MUMBLING ]

[ LOUD CRASH ]

- Wow, that was great.

- Are they skeet shooting
on the lido deck?

- She's got mosquito netting
protecting her bosoms.

[ CRASH ]

- Oh, he's down there
on the teeter totter again.

- Eric?

- Turns out he's setting up
tables for a card party.

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Just beheading rats
down here, honey.

- Here it comes.

Yeah, I think she's nude now.

- Oh, come on.
- Mike, she's nude.

Can you at least give me that?

- Wow.

- Eric?

- I have a people decree
to read.

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Okay, I think
they've set enough mood.

I think we can
move on to plot now.

- Yeah.

- Eric?

- Mickey crawled
in our bed again.

[ CRASH ]

- It's like they have
two servings of tension

that they're trying to
stretch out for seven people.

[ WINDOW BANGING ]

- Windows 58.

- The only thing banging
in this house lately,

I'll tell you.

[ WINDOW BANGING ]

- Oh, the film broke,
and it was horrible!

- What are you doing here?

- Some day she'll look back
on this and worry about it.

- The window was open.
Where were you?

- I thought I heard
someone moving about.

- Turned out to be
Deney Terrio.

- Come here.

- Hey, funny joke throw-up.

- What is that?

Is that water?

- No, it's my marinated
rearview mirror.

- A lily pad?

- Now, you water lilies,
calm down out there!

- I don't think Mickey
looks for her in the pond.

- Jenni, now stop it.

- I can't help it, Eric.

That bad feeling
has come back.

- I forbid you
to talk about it.

- She looked like that, Eric.

- Grrr, die, die, die!

JENNI:
My mother looked like that.

- Oh, Jenni, Jenni.

- I can't help it, Eric.

- I've been diagnosed cuckoo.

- Darling, you're just
talking yourself

into those same old fears.

- I've gotta talk
about it, Eric.

I have to talk about it!

- I forbid you
to talk about it now!

- You're under arrest.

- Oh, it's just
that with you beside me,

I'm alive again.

- Honey, look, now you mustn't
go on thinking like this.

- You'll burn out your head.

- Oh, besides, how could
a poorly done self-portrait

upset you so much?

- Hey, folks,
this is my trick.

Come back here.
Look, I've got it!

Wait--
oh, damn, they're gone.

- I know
it's only my own fear.

It's my own guilt
that I can't get away from.

- Mm.

- Eric, I'm sorry.

- I got snot on your bathrobe.

- I want you to listen,
and I want you to believe me.

- And I want you to sit
on this candle.

- Yeah?

- Now, you were sick once,
yes, but you were cured.

- Maple cured and smoked.

- Mickey caused this.

You may as well know
he does look for Marian

night after night
down by that pond,

and he probably
comes here afterwards.

I'm going to speak to Mickey
in the morning.

- With a series of grunts
and whistles.

- Don't you see how simply
it's all explained away?

- Even the scream, Eric?

Before,
when I went to the hospital,

I was hearing things.

I'm hearing them again.

- What did you hear?

- Was it a gunshot
or more of a stabbing sound?

- A high-strained scream.

- [ indistinct ]

- It sounded like--

- Come here.

- Come on, I want you
to unclog the toilet.

- Can I interest you
in some defenestration?

- Hm.

[ PEACOCK SCREAMING ]

- Okay, now my dead wife
will scream.

Listen to the difference.

- Sound like that?

It's all very, very real.

- I'm such a fool.

- Are you feeling better now?

- Yes.

- I'm so bipolar sometimes.

- Okay, go to dead--
bed, bed.

Mickey manufactures
his own ammonia

to clean the greenhouse.

- I'd like to go to bed,

but there's a victim
strapped to it right now.

- Shh, shh.
People are trying to study.

- Night.
- Club.

- Ah, we won't be bothered

with any of Mickey's
nightly visits anymore.

I've forbidden him
in the house.

- I was just nervous
last night.

I wish you wouldn't
take it out on Mickey.

- Now, he's a child.
He must be disciplined.

- Ooh.

- I'd like him to feel
I'm his friend.

- Why don't you do
some gardening with him

while I'm in town?

If he sees you're interested,

you'll win him over
quickly enough.

- Wait a minute.

- Mickey gave me an ear.

I wonder if he knew
whose it was.

- Could you quick proof
my suicide note?

- A list--
staples mostly.

- Oh-- are you sure you don't
want to come in with me?

- Say no, say no,
say no, say no.

- You'll get more done
without me.

- I've got to see
about the lights,

and the phone,
and the bank,

and the warehouse people
about that furniture.

You know, that cot's
just about broken my back.

- Don't forget to
see Mr. Mauer.

- I have to see him
this evening.

It's a bore,
but I'll have to see him.

- Will you be home
in time for dinner?

I'll wait for you.

- Now, if I'm not,
don't you worry, darling.

Getting out of Mauer's clutches

sometimes requires
an act of God.

I love you.

- With a really deep passion,
madly do I love you, dear.

- Mickey, don't chase
the car this time.

- Mickey, how about I just
give you my underwear drawer?

- Hello, Mickey.
- Ah, bonjour, my sweet.

- Oh, I see you've got
a new stain on your jacket.

- Whoops, look out.
You almost cut him.

He's a handsome one, isn't he?
So cuddly and warm.

When I was a little girl,

I used to want to be
a caterpillar.

- I wanted that, too,
and it worked out.

- I was a very little girl.

There you go.

- Uh, I've gotta go
stare at things in my shed.

- Marian must've
loved to garden.

- Uh-huh.

- We'll keep them
lovely for her always.

You know what I'd
like to do, Mickey?

- Delouse you.

- I'd like to pick
some of the nicest flowers

and take them to her.

Would you like that?

- I like mice.

- Yes.

- Eric told me
she was near here.

Could you show me where?

- Well, she's kind of all over.

- Boy, this is fun.

Ah, her favorite symbol,
a pyramid balanced on oranges.

- Thump, thump, thump.
Help me!

Thump, thump, thump, thump.
Help me!

- It's the Irene Ryan monument.

- Hm.

- Hm.

- You're mental, aren't you?

- That all right, Mickey?

I'm sure it was a great loss
to all of you, Mickey.

- But we need to get
that sod in today.

- She cries.

- She cries?

- In the night.

- Dead people don't cry,
Mickey.

MICKEY: I heard her.
- Observed her even.

- Heard her?

- Ah, maybe it wasn't her.
Anyway, um--

- Oh, I've got a victim
in the oven.

- Mickey!

- Too bad, Tom.

- But me--

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ PHONE RINGING ]

- This is great.
- Hey, guys, what's going on?

- Shh, quiet, Mike.

We're trying to scam
a free coffin

out of those morons
who made today's film.

- Yeah, free coffin
if you die of fright, hee-hee.

- I'm gonna say
I died of fright,

even though I haven't yet.

Then I'll just sit back
and wait for my free coffin.

Ha, ha, ha!

- Yeah, some film releasing
companies are so stupid.

[ PHONE RINGING ]
[ LAUGHING ]

VOICE ON PHONE: American
International Pictures.

- Uh, yeah, I died while
watching your film,

"Screaming Skull."
[ LAUGHING ]

- Shh, Crow, no,
you're gonna ruin it.

- Sorry, sorry.

- I'd like to get my free coffin
out of the deal, please.

VOICE ON PHONE:
Okay, there should be

a code number on that film.

Can you read that off to me?

- Code number?
Code number?

- Uh, a 3, 3.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Um, 3.

VOICE ON PHONE: Okay, that's
the stock reorder number.

The number I need
begins with an L

and is followed
by three digits.

- Okay, um, L333 I guess.

- Good.

VOICE ON PHONE:
Okay, is this Tom Servo?

- What? Yeah, yeah!

VOICE ON PHONE:
Okay, I have you listed

as a viewer
of "Screaming Skull."

And you say you died
during the viewing of this?

- Yeah-- no--
well, my friend did.

- Yeah, yeah.

VOICE ON PHONE: Sir, please know how sorry we are for your loss.

We'll try to make this
as easy as possible.

What style of coffin would you
like for your dear friend?

The Imperial or the Rest Ever?

- Uh, it doesn't matter.

Look, let's just forget
the whole thing, okay?

VOICE ON PHONE: Sir, I know
how hard this must be for you;

but if you'll bear with us,
we'll get through it.

Imperial or Rest Ever style?

- Uh, I don't know.

Imperial, I guess.

VOICE ON PHONE:
Satin or velvet lining?

- Hang up, hang up!
- No, they've got my name.

Hey, uh, lady, it looks like
my friend is moving.

I guess he's not dead.

Why don't you just
cancel that order for me?

VOICE ON PHONE:
I don't understand.

Your friend isn't dead?

- Uh, no.

I, I thought he was dead,
but he's not.

Well, look, he's up now.
He's moving around a lot.

Oh, whoa, look!
Now he's in a triathlon.

Oh, boy, he's
finishing second.

It looks like he's
going to be just fine.

VOICE ON PHONE: Well,
the order has already

gone through to shipping.

You're going to have to
receive it, return it,

and pay shipping both ways.

- Yeah, fine, fine,
goodbye, bye.

- Hang up, quick.
Yeah.

- You know, you guys
should try pulling pranks

that don't involve
lying about the dead.

- Oh, right, Mike.
You come up with one then.

[ BUZZER BUZZING ]

- Movie sign!
- Oh, movie sign.

I'll talk to you later.

- Whew, boy.

- Does she have a ham halo?

- CS Lewis funhouse.

- I want all shastas
covered up as mine.

[ PEACOCK SCREAMING ]

- Oh, sorry.
Walt stepped on my toe.

- Pinched lady at Javerni.

- That's her bikini.

- Oh, I should probably request
my dental records, just in case.

- Well, I've had a big day.

- That scene brought to you
by the Superfluous Foundation.

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Well, might as well start
that smut movie

I've been talking about.

- Ooh, geez,
she's wearing a manssiere.

Hmph, "Advanced Face Pinching."

- Ooh, ooh.

- What was I doing?
Oh, took my shirt off.

Yeah, I'm titillating
the audience.

That's right.

Well, I'd better
get those lemons out

and start rubbing them
on my body.

- And the bra fairy queen
appeared.

- Hm.

- That is a power bra,
under wires, over wires.

- Hey, Walt, check it out.

[ PEACOCK SCREAMING ]

- Ah, man, a hog-calling contest
right next door.

[ DREAMING ] I don't think
he quite expects she's gone.

- Oh!
- She cries.

She cries in the night.

- Mickey, CNN, Atlanta.

- I think he expects her to
show up one of these mornings.

- Ooh.
- She died in the water.

- I forgot something.

- The base of her skull
was smashed.

- She didn't want to die.

- She died in the water.

[ LOUD SCREAM ]

- Mm, subway just pull in or--

- A dandelion!

- No!

- I'm going to go down
and do some putting.

- Oh, good, my snake charmer
is here.

[ BOT HUMMING ]

- Oh, at least some oboe player
got a paycheck

out of all this horse hockey.

[ BOT HUMMING ]

- We're just messing with you.

- Hi, I'm Carol,
your realtor, heh, heh.

- Mary Tyler Moore, ah.

- Smile though
your heart is breaking.

- Oh, great, Ebola, geez.

- I've got to get
to the Bactine.

Ooh, my bout with Holyfield
was tougher than I thought.

- I threw a body part
up on the roof.

Can you help me?

[ WIND HOWLING ]

[ BOT IMITATING OWL HOOTING ]

[ TREE BEATING AGAINST HOUSE ]

- Something is staying crunchy,
even in milk.

- Is the camera still on me?

Are we still going here?

Mm, we are, okay.

[ TREE BEATING AGAINST HOUSE ]

- Can I come in?
It's scary out here.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Can we help you, movie lady?

Do you need a push
or something?

- I think there's
some of that bean dip left.

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

- Ah, good thing
she's able to see that

with a remote camera
attached to the flexible hose.

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

- Uh, if this turns out
to be her husband,

I'm just gonna return the
unused portion of this movie.

- Yeah.

- Hello.

- I'm scared, yeah,
but I'm getting a little bugged.

This is taking forever.

- You know, they weren't
really expecting anybody

to watch this.

Everybody was supposed to be
necking by this point.

So, Mike.

- Get away from me.
Get out of here.

- Might be fun.

- Remember, folks,
if you die of boredom,

you do not get
a free coffin, sorry.

- I'm going to go put on
my turtleneck peignoir.

- She's got the aurora borealis
in her living room there.

- Ah, you know,
all this time

we could've been watching
an apple brown.

- Yeah.

The movie that dares
to graphically depict

sometimes seeing peacocks

and sometimes
not seeing peacocks.

- Alas, poor Yorick,
she threw him well.

- Settled in a divot.

- That skull probably
laid eggs already,

so that doesn't do any good.

- Woof.

- Well, got the skull thrown,
so that's done anyway.

- Probably should put out
the raging fire in the den.

- Hey!

- Hm?

- Oh, why did
my husband and I

agree to sleep
in different movies?

- I guess it grew
little skull legs.

- I guess.

- Skull?

- Skully.

Well, maybe he hired
a cat to walk him around.

- All right, I guess
I'll just go around back

and use the pet door.

- Wasn't Donna Reed
still in there waiting,

like an idiot?

- Yeah.

- Donna Reed.

- Heh, stupid.

- I have skull tossers remorse.

- Oh, I'm not gonna be able to
reach the doorbell-- damn.

- I should get one of those
Russian mail order husbands.

- They put a tiny bit of movie
in a box

and then just filled the rest
with a bunch of foam peanuts.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, this, for example,

this scene is a foam peanut,
maybe two.

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

- Please let it be Fabio.

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

- Didn't expect the CUTCO guy
to come at 2:00 a.m.

[ BOT HUMMING ]

- The skull got
a pack of squirrels

to knock on the door and run.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Could she do something
like react, or decide,

or even just infer maybe?

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

- I think they hired
a pudgy little 13-year-old

to noodle on his tuba, too.

- Hey, it's me, the skull.

We need to talk about
a certain me tossing incident.

- Knocking-- I forget
what you're supposed to do

when you hear that sound.

- Ooh.

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

- Gandalf's outside
scratching things on the door.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- I think this is what
Pat Nixon's life was like.

Do you think?

- Hey, do me a favor.
Open the door.

Let him in.

[ BOT HUMMING, "SOMEONE'S
KNOCKING AT THE DOOR" ]

- Oh, okay, okay.
- Eric.

- Martin Luther's nailing
each thesis individually.

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

- She had one nostril
enlarged for the role.

- Hm?

- Trick or treat for calcium.

[ SCREAMING ]

- Ooh, looks horrible.

- The skull has been
perfectly civil

through all this,
I have to say.

- Ick.

[ SCREAMING ]

- Oh, that was expertly done.
Play the break just right.

- Very nice.

- Well, here I am.
How did I get over here?

Is there a bush
I haven't marked yet?

- Jenni, Jenni,
Jenni, honey, honey.

- You're in my cot.
- Eric!

- It's all right, darling.
It's all right.

I'm right here.
I'm right here.

Just lie back.

That's right,
just lie back.

- Why are there scuffs
all over my prized skull?

- Eric, when you found me,
what else was there?

- What do you mean what else?

- A skull.

- Jenni.

- I know there was no skull.

- Of course not.

- There is my friend Bob's
skull.

Did I mention him earlier?

- Mickey says Marian
cries at night.

- Why, that childish, stupid--

- Don't blame him.

We both hear the peacocks.

He, out of his love for Marian, wishes the cry to be from her.

I, out of my sickness--

- Now, darling,

we've been all through
that nonsense last night.

- Oh, there you are.

- Can't you see?

I've never imagined
seeing these things before.

- Hmph.

- To just stand there
and see it

and have it turn out
to be nothing--

- Have you barked
at the moon lately, honey?

- Eric--
- Do you like mayonnaise?

- I want you to call Dr. Rand
tomorrow in New York.

- Okay.

- I do.

- I want you to take me back.
- No, Jenni.

Now, it may sound selfish--
- But I want everything for me.

- But don't you see?

Having you to love,
I'm happy, too.

I don't want to lose that.

Now, in the morning,
Mr. Snow will be here,

and we'll tell him.

He's very comforting.

- Yeah, Mr. Snow,
and then Mr. Horse,

and then Mr. Mary Jane.

- I think he'll agree with me.

- About what?

- I think it's Mickey.

- Where is he?
- Help.

- You see, he hated me
from the first.

- Where is she?
- Ah!

- Marian was his friend.

And when I married her,

he thought I was
taking her away from him;

and now that she's dead,
taken away from him forever,

I suppose in that childish
mind of his,

I'm responsible for that.

- Dah!

Now we'll enter
your dimension.

- And now, because you're
my wife and in Marian's house,

he hates you, too.

- Damn, he's a good gardener.

- I don't think
Mickey is responsible.

He's not quick enough
or clever enough.

- Then who?

- Myself.

- Ah.

- It's all in my own mind.

- Mm-hm.

- We do need
somebody else, darling.

We need somebody outside
of the confusions

of our love for each other.

- So, I've hired
Richard Crenna.

- Now, the Reverend Snow
will be here in the morning.

- You are a lifesaver.

I can't believe
I ran out of holy water.

- Wow.

- It was in there.

- Okay, I'll climb in,

and you confess
through the little hole.

- Well, this much
is real anyway.

Look here, Jenni.

- A place to put your gum.

- You see, this is how
you gouged your hand.

And you say you threw
the skull down here

where Eric is looking?

- Yes.

- Did you find anything, Eric?

- Nothing yet.

- Well, I'll slap the
straight jacket on your wife.

- Surely, Jenni,
you must agree with me

that anything as fragile
as a skull

would've been smashed
to bits down there;

and Eric has found nothing.

And to assume that the skull
would move of its own

all the way from there
to the driveway door--

now, now, Jenni,
there's no reason for that.

- There's other skulls
you can play with.

- Don't you see?
I agree with you.

Did Eric tell you I spent
over a year in a sanitarium?

- Oh, Eric told Mrs. Snow
that you were

very impressionable,
but that's all.

- You're actually nuts, huh?

- I know lots of people
needing a rest

go to sanitariums.

- Especially crazy people.

- This wasn't quite
that kind of sanitarium.

- It was staffed by clowns.

- You see,

I grew up loving my father and hating my mother.

- Ooh.
- Well, she never knew it.

It's something
I kept to myself.

She was very beautiful.

- For an ugly person.

- Very gay like her.

- Yee-hee!

- Very much.

And I knew she resented that I was a bit more like her.

I used to lie awake at night
and wish she were dead.

- You know, the Gospel
speaks of losers like you.

- Well, that isn't
very unusual.

I understand many children
go through such a period.

- I was no longer a child.

- Oh, well,
it's hell for you then.

- And then one day--

- I stood by a chiffarobe

and bored a priest to death.

- I got my wish.

They were both drowned.

- I have to dry clean
my cassock, don't I?

- I can still hear her
screaming.

I was all alone
on a little beach,

and all I could see

was the overturned boat
on the top of the waves.

And I kept trying
to reach them.

- As I held them under.

- And the waves
were throwing me back.

[ BOT HUMMING ]

- Have you tried talking
to your minister about this?

JENNI: I could hear
her cries no more.

And then hours later,

the men came
and searched for the bodies,

and we never found them.

- Yeah, death's hard,
ain't it?

- And that's when these
bad feelings started,

this feeling
that if I'd really wanted to,

I could've saved them,
but I didn't.

- Well, why didn't you?

- That I really killed them.

- No, Jenni, you tried.
You tried your very best.

- I did,
but thinking, begging,

praying couldn't make
this feeling go away.

- Look, what do you
want from me?

- That's when they took me
to the hospital.

- Now, look, I've got bingo.

- They told me I was cured.

- Jenni--
- Shut up.

- They told me I was cured.

[ MUMBLING ]

- Uh, I found a screaming
hipbone, if that helps.

- Mickey!
- I'm rendering.

- Let's see, it's Tuesday.
Who is he stalking Tuesdays?

Hmph.

- Mickey!

- It's time for our discussion,
Salon.

- You go on.

I'll be there
in time for lunch.

- Well, where do you think
he's gone off to, Eric?

- Who knows about Mickey?

He might be hiding.

- Have you looked
at Marian's grave?

- Hm, nice wife.

- Man, my marriage
went down the crapper fast.

- Yes, free!

I'm gonna strip down
to my shorts and watch golf.

- Yeah, let's see how
my poison ivy is doing, heh-heh.

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYING ]

- I think I'll slip down
to Cambodia for a minute.

What the--?

Oh, I love my new
jogging suit.

St. Francis boxing pose.
Come on, come on.

- Mickey.

- She's buried underneath
a small changing tent.

- Mickey!

Mickey!
- Mickey!

ERIC:
Mickey!

- Having his own
three-legged race.

- Mickey!

Mickey!

- Yeah, blow it out your-- ah.

- Come on, bring it in,
tough guy, come on.

I'm waiting here.
St. Francis.

- Yeah.

- Ah, so he checks
Mickey's villa

in the south of France.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Eric, did you find him?

- No. Where's Jenni?

- She's with Mrs. Snow
on the patio.

Eric, I think I should tell you that Jenni's confided in me

about the sanitarium.

- She [ indistinct ] in you?

- Does your wife know?

- We're not married.

- I told her Jenni
was impressionable,

but not [ indistinct ].

Mr. Snow, you can do both Jenni and me a great favor

by forgetting
she ever told you that.

- But Eric,
if it helps explain--

- It explains nothing.

- If I were you, Eric,
I'd take her away.

If she's so impressionable,

and that house
frightens her so much,

why subject her to it?

- Look, I can't do
a thing like that.

It'd be the worst thing
for her.

Mr. Snow, it would be admitting she was sick again.

- Really?
- I want her to be happy.

- Mr. Slush.

- We'll stay here.

- Perhaps you know best, Eric.

- See, I've got a simple
and old-fashioned

piece of philosophy.

The only cure for her fear
is to teach her she's loved--

I mean really loved.

-I mean really, really--
- I love her so much.

- God bless you
for that, Eric.

She's a very fortunate woman,

having someone like you
to care for her.

- But if you ever
need to swap wives,

just let me know.

- It'll be night soon.

- Oh, Jenni, Jenni.

- What?
It'll be night soon.

- Sorry.

Darling, you've got to believe, it will not happen again, ever.

- Why did you call me Donna?

- Mickey!

Mickey!
- Eric.

Eric!
- Don't touch Mickey.

You don't know
where he's been.

- Mickey is trying to
lead them away from his eggs.

- Ooh-ooh, yee-hee, yahoo!

- You're it!

- All right, what are you
going to do with that skull?

- Stop it!
It wasn't his fault!

- Where did you get it?
- Leave him alone!

- I'll take care of this,
Jenni.

Now, I know
you don't like me, Mickey.

I know you'd do anything
to get us to leave here

with this idiotic attempt
to scare us

as if we were children.

It was you, wasn't it?
Wasn't it?

- No, not me, not me.

- And I don't know.

- Ah, get out of here.
Get out of here!

- Ah!

- Should I consider that
my employee review?

- I'm gonna go back
and work for Leona Helmsley.

- I wish you'd
apologize to him.

You know as well as I do
it's not his fault.

It's all in my own mind.

- Jenni--
- I've got your number.

- I'm going to do something,

and you're going to
help me do it.

- Make canapes.
- What's that?

- That portrait upstairs.

It reminds you of your mother.

- Chair made by
Gateway Computers.

- Yes.

- You were fine
until you saw it.

Now it has you all preoccupied
with memories of the past.

- You're nuttier
than a cheese log.

- We're going to burn it.

- That's precious to you, Eric.

- The picture
means nothing to me.

I want you to be happy.

- And dead.

- We can't be until this fear
is out of our lives.

- Hi, I'm Hedda Hopper.

- Now we'll just brush it
with a little olive oil first.

- See, we get this done,

and we've got the day
to chase Mickey.

- Okay, honey, now lay against
the painting and light it.

- All right, Jenni.

Go on, Jenni.
- Throw the M80.

- Hmph.

If you imagine
it's a Leroy Neiman,

the scene plays
a lot better.

- Oh, yeah.
- Ooh.

- Please don't do this!
Hang me in a Comfort Inn!

- Let's go back to the house.

[ SCREAMING ]

- Oh, someone's radial saw
went through a nail.

- It's only the peacocks.

- Yeah, they're machining
some tools out back.

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ SCREAMING ]

- And always scary tuba music.

- Hello.

- Pepe Le Pew walked by.

- The fire is almost out.

- Well, we'll have to put you in
to keep it going.

- Yes, but we can't let
those ashes stand overnight.

The brush in these hills
are a regular tinderbox.

- So, I'm going pole vaulting
is what I'm saying.

- Do you want to help me?

- Oh, I've been waiting
for you to ask me

to rake ashes with you.

- Are you feeling better?

- Oh, you read me
like a book, honey.

- It's as if I destroyed her
with my own hands.

- We'll have to advance to

my burning small animals
therapy.

- She'll come back, Eric.

She'll come back.

- Darling, if you go on
talking that way,

you'll destroy
the whole purpose.

Now, the thing is out
of the house, and it's over.

- You just give it
half a chance,

and you'll begin
to forget it.

[ SERVO LAUGHING ]

- Okay, you set?
You got the plan down?

- Well, I think so.
I'm a skull.

I sit here
and be a skull.

- Right.
- Yeah, I think I've got it.

- Yeah, and then
to cap it all off,

Mike walks in like a sap,
and he--

oh, wait, here he comes.
Hee-hee.

- Rah!
- Ah, ah!

- Hey, hey, Mike,
what are you doing?

Stop hitting me
with those chips.

[ MIKE SCREAMING ]

Ow, ow!
Man.

- Oh, man, that guy
is spooky, huh?

- Yeah, he was really hitting
me with those things, wow.

- Yeah, I think he was really--
oh, no!

Oh, no, Crow, look out!

- What, what, what,
what, what is it?

[ MIKE SCREAMING ]

- Mike, no!
No, Mike, no!

- Mike, no,
you're gonna kill him!

What are you doing, Mike?
Mike, you're insane!

What are you doing?
Stop it now. Mike!

- Help, stop him!
- Mike, just kidding, geez.

- Oh, oh, oh, has he gone?

- Yeah, I think so.
I think he might be out of it.

Oh, no!
For God's sake, Mike, no!

- Oh, no, what has he got?

What does he have?
- Mike, listen to me,

listen to the sound
of my voice, Mike.

No, Mike, no.
- What does he have?

- Mike, this is not a skull.
This is Crow, Mike.

This is Crow.

- Don't let him hit me.
- Do you understand me, Mike?

- Don't let him hit me.

- No, Mike, no,
please, it's Crow.

There, put it down.
[ MIKE SCREAMING ]

Oh, no, Mike, don't hit him
with the driver!

That's--

- Hey, is that one of those
Big Berthas there?

Hey, let me see that.
Is that a 10.5 loft?

- Don't talk to him
about the Big Bertha.

- Oh, sorry, sorry.
- Make him stop hitting me!

- Mike, no, Mike, Mike, no!

- It's Crow!
It's Crow, Mike!

Stop, it's Crow!
It's Crow!

It's Crow!
It's Crow!

It's Crow.
It's Crow.

It's Crow.
This is Crow.

- Ow!
- This is Crow.

- He was screaming.
He's a skull.

He was screaming.
- Yes, Crow screamed.

Get it?

- I screamed, Mike.
It's Crow.

It was all in fun.
Ha, ha, ha.

Good time.

- Oh.
- Just me screaming.

Now, now, now listen.

- Yeah.
- Rah.

[ MIKE SCREAMING ]

[ CROW SCREAMING ]

- What are you doing, Mike?
What are you doing?

No. Oh, you got me!

[ ALL SCREAMING ]

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Hon, if you'll just
spread those ashes out

a little for me,
I'll get the water to it.

- Come on, rake.
What do I pay you for?

- That's it.

- Therapy, counseling,
a bunch of hooey.

This is the real way
to mental health.

[ JENNI SCREAMS ]

- Eric!

- My name is not Eric, ma'am.

- Eric!

- What is it, darling?

- The skull!

It's the skull!

- Darling,
there's no skull there.

There's no skull there,
darling.

There is no skull there,
Jenni!

- Is there a skull there?

- Darling,
there's no skull there.

- The skull.
- No skull.

- It worked.
Hey, thanks, skull.

Come on inside.
I'll write you out that check.

- Nothing better than
fresh roasted skull.

- Mm.

- I'll give you something
to scream about, young skull.

- I ain't sharing this
with no one.

- I'd scare Mickey with it,

but he's got a pile of them
under his bed already.

- I'll cover this
with candle wax

and give it back
to that hippy.

- All right,
here's the plan.

You run a short pattern
into the flat.

- The skull emits a steady
stream of chlorine all day,

keeping your swamp sanitary.

- Okay, fetch, boy!

Oh, wait,
I don't have a dog.

- Look, a large
biped squirrel.

- I'm fertilizing the bushes,
as we speak.

- Want to go downstairs?

- Are we going to be able to
catch a plane tonight?

- When we get into town,
I will call Mr. Mauer.

He'll arrange
a midnight plane.

- I thought
there'd be more time,

time for
so many wonderful things.

- It's going to be all right.

- We have our volunteer clowning
at the children's hospital.

- Of course.

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

- It's just me.

- I brought some cool
ranch-flavored hosts.

- It's going to be all right.

- The first year of marriage
is always the most psychotic.

- Good evening, my dear.
- Hello.

- Mrs. Snow's hens thought
you might like some fresh eggs

for your breakfast
in the morning.

- They're hers.

- Hello, Eric.

- This is a surprise.

- Those hens labored mightily,
as you can see.

- Fine, I'll take them.

- Come on, I've got
the stuff out back. Come here.

- You'll excuse me, dear.

- Of course.

- What is it, Eric?

- Her parents drowned
in a tub full of eggs.

- I've got to take Jenni away

to that hospital
she was in before.

- It happened again?

- I thought it would help her if we got rid of that portrait.

You know the one.
- Yes.

- Dogs playing poker, yes.

- Well, we burned it.

She saw a skull
in the ashes.

- You were there?

- I saw nothing, of course.

- Of course.

- I thought it was Mickey.

But when I was there myself,
and I saw her--

- I felt urpy-- ooh.

ERIC: Mr. Snow, there's
something I've never told you.

I've never told anybody.

- I married Hec Ramsey.

- But when Jenni was put away
in that hospital--

- I'd steal her Jell-O.

- She tried to
do away with herself.

I'm terribly afraid.

- Do you think
she might try it again?

- I know she will,

unless I get her back
to that hospital.

- When are you going?

- Tonight.

- We shall miss you.

Mrs. Snow and I have grown
very fond of Jenni.

- Yes, and she of you.

- I don't suppose you'll be
coming back here again, Eric.

- No, never.

- Meanwhile,
inside the Reverend's head,

a fire raged on.

- I'll miss him and his wife.

He's very kind.

- Yes.
- Yeah, for a sky pilot,
anyway.

- When I said goodbye to him
just now,

he tried to talk me
out of what I saw.

- How?
- How?

- He said he thought
the skull was real.

He's going to bring some men
in the morning

to search the estate.

- Where?
- He's doing Juan Epstein.

- Everywhere.

- Who?

- He was just talking,
trying to be kind.

- I suppose.

- Yep, I suppose.

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING ]

- I'll go upstairs and pack.

- Uh, leave room
for your body, honey.

- Do you want to come with me?

- I'll be up in a minute.

- Remember, tonight's
our monkey love night.

- Oh, oh, if I can just make it
to the compost heap, mm.

- Clothes from
the Fred Rogers collection.

- Oh, from now on,

I'm going to keep my skull
and EZ store it.

- Let's see--
man, here's the rock

I crushed my first wife's skull
with.

Boy, that brings back memories.

- Oh, yuck.
Mickey goes in there.

- There's a Euglena
holding the skull

behind his back
laughing.

- This is where Evian
bottles all its water.

- Mickey!

Mickey!
- Mickey!

- Mickey!

- Mickey!

- Come on, I just want to
borrow a towel.

- Mickey's theme!

[ CHUCKLING ]
Mickey's theme.

Mickey's theme,
Mickey's theme,

Mickey's theme,
Mickey's theme.

- Good.

- You killed a spider
as you passed him.

- Come on, where's that skull?

You saw me put it
in the pond.

You must have.
Where is it?

- I don't know,
I don't know.

- Don't lie to me.

- No, hey, Moe!
- Where is it?

- I don't know.
- Tell me the truth.

- Don't hit me, Moe!
- Come on, porcupine.

- Ow, ow, hey!
- Tell me!

- I didn't take it,
didn't take it!

- Who, who!
- Not me, not me!

- Who?
- Marian, Marian took it.

Marian took it!

- Oh.
- Marian.

- That went better
than I thought it would.

- Heh.

- Man,
this is almost as bad as

when I gardened
for Jackson Browne.

- Uh, sir, you want to
borrow one of mine?

- Hm, maybe I'm too formal
when I swim.

- It's Mr. McFeely's music.

- Busy day, busy day.
- All right.

- Is this movie sponsored by
the Wicker Basket Council or--

ah.

- Uh, the Union for Dangerous
Urine-Stained Gardeners

is going to hear about this.

- Spark, spark, spark, spark,
spark, spark, spark, spark.

- Well, I supposed
you screwed up the murder

of your second wife, too.

I told you you'd never
amount to anything.

Why can't you kill properly
like the other husbands?

- Now it's music
for the mutants from

"Beneath the Planet
of the Apes."

- I'm going to see if Mickey
would eat this for a quarter.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Man, I've got to hire
a wife killing service.

It's cheaper
in the long-run, really.

- Don't you make
that skull face at me, missy.

- William S. Burroughs.

- But Eric said that he didn't
see it when Jenni saw it.

- Oh. I know.

- Oh, but why could Eric
lie like that?

- Mickey, those other times
with the skull, did you do it?

- No.

- Mickey, you've never
lied to me before.

Lying is a sin.
You understand that?

- No.
- You must not lie to me now.

Did you do it, Mickey,
all those other times?

- No.
- I simply do not understand.

If it wasn't Mickey--

- And it wasn't
her imagination--

- But why would Eric
do such a thing?

- Hm.

- I don't know,
I just don't know.

- Well, what do you think
we should do about it?

- We're going back there
to that house.

- Mickey, get in the trunk.

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYING ]

- Well, I'll go hunting
for night crawlers.

That always makes me
feel better.

- Hm. Well, let's see.

Have I worried
about everything

I should've
worried about today?

Uh, have I worried
about the grass?

No, no--
and the trees.

Have I worried
about the trees?

And the air!

I forgot to worry
about the air!

Oh.

- Mickey.

- This movie's original title
was, "Looking for Mickey."

- Step in the bear trap.

Come on,
step in the bear trap.

- She's strolling by
Wife Skull Lake.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- If Ed Wood had directed
"Rules of the Game."

- Mm, I love stalking my wife.

I think it's normal
and healthy.

- We have a pretty good
marriage.

It's been three days.
I haven't killed her yet.

- Mickey.

Eric and I are leaving, Mickey.

- We left you
a bowl of Kibbles.

- I'd like to say goodbye.

- And I like to say celery.

- I'd like to leave
as your friend, Mickey.

- But you're extremely creepy
and have very dangerous BO.

- Mickey!
- Oh, every time they leave,

Mickey crawls under
the basement steps.

- Mickey!

[ SCREAMING ]

- Hermione Gingold,
what are you doing here?

[ JENNI SCREAMING ]

- Oh, that gown was so tacky.
I'm actually frightened.

Whoa, nice move!

She moves like
Gale Sayers, man.

[ SCREAMING ]

- Well, apparently,
you killed a cross-dressing

beekeeper, as well.

[ BOT PANTING ]

- Whoa, prairie dog!

- Mm, Kerry Tikonoa
is drunk again.

- I'm gonna lasso me
that chipmunk.

- Oh, Popeye.

- Nice stride on that ghost.

[ JENNI SCREAMING ]

- Oh, Kathy's trying on
another bathing suit.

Eck.

- Oh, the furniture
still hasn't arrived.

Now, that's a subplot
that just hasn't gone anywhere.

[ JENNI SCREAMING ]

- You left the toilet seat up,
ah!

- Oh, great, she's playing
her Yoko Ono albums.

- I think the title was supposed
to be "Screaming; Skull."

- Oh, relax, honey.

Here, let me massage
your epiglottis.

- Eric, Eric!

- This is genuinely regarded as

a less than healthy form
of expression in a marriage.

- Mm-hm, hm.

- Yuck.

- Ooh.

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

- It's the Society
for Un-strangled Wives.

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

- Oh, I'll get it,
I guess, heh.

- Now, Mike,
you've got to be fair.

This movie is more than
people looking for Mickey.

At least a third of it
is doors being knocked on

and not answered.

- Yeah.
I see your point.

- Now, what the--
my new wife is early.

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

- I need some sofa-sized art
on that wall.

- So, this movie is kind of
a combination

of "Tell-Tale Heart,"
"Blithe Spirit,"

and, uh, well,
a piece of lint, I guess.

- Yeah.

- It's the,
"Show us your live wife

and win a million dollars,"
people.

- Bad timing.

- Huh?

- Could I borrow some flesh?

- Jen!

- Friends are visiting
from hell.

[ BOT MAKING BUZZING NOISE ]

- [ indistinct ]

- Man, he just
scooped his stool right up

and threw it at her.

It's a hard stool.

He should at least use some
stool softener if he's gonna--

- Okay, okay, okay.

[ ERIC SCREAMING ]

- Everyone knows
it's slink skull.

[ RUMBLING THUNDER ]

- Ah, the Tibetan freedom
concert is starting.

- Now, I prefer
occasional outburst skull.

[ SKULL SCREAMING ]

- Oh, and he's caught
in a rundown.

[ ERIC SCREAMING ]

- Ooh, attacked
by a pack of skulls.

That's tough.

- Yeah, there's one skull
assigned to bite his nose

and just bring him down.

[ SKULL SCREAMING ]

Bugs Bunny
sneaking up music.

- You know, it is skull season
down south, you know.

- Party!

[ ERIC SCREAMING ]

- Oh, I forgot to tell
the skull that--

ah, never mind.

- It's like a scary
Benny Hill sketch.

- Yeah.

[ SKULL SCREAMING ]

- Now, see,
that's a real deadhead.

- Oh, Mike.
- Well, it is.

- He's being compelled to hold
a skull against his neck!

[ CHUCKLING ]

[ RUMBLING THUNDER ]

- Oh, he's playing
with his beach skull.

Buy beach skull now
and receive free beach clavicle.

- Mono, you'll never know
when it's going to strike.

- That man,
he never finishes anything.

- I'll just tell people

that I accidentally
strangled myself

against the coffee table.

- And the moral of this story:
never get close to anyone ever.

- Thanks for the spontaneous
tonsillectomy, honey.

- Mm, I should've married
that nice Mr. Von Bulow.

- You know, if she'd take
the dress out a little,

she could breathe.

- Mm-hm.

Mm, mm.

[ BOT SOBBING ]

- I don't know
how to put this tent up.

- This tragedy could've been
prevented with furniture.

- More skulls arrive in a cab.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- They brought a night basket.

- Jenni!

- Hm?

- Jenni, what happened?

- Jenni, Jenni,
are you all right?

- You missed Evensong.

- Oh, Jenni.

- I was going to do
the dance of the seven veils,

but I only have four.

- Eric, Eric tried--

- Shh, oh, don't, don't.
- Where is Eric?

- Let the length
of my face comfort you.

- I don't know.
I don't know.

- I'll find him.

- Oh, come on inside.
Edward, now, be careful.

It's all right, darling.
Oh, it's all right.

- Sh, Uncle Lady
will take care of you.

[ JENNI SOBBING ]

- Oh, it's all right.
Don't cry, come on.

- Sh, Uncle Lady is here.

- Eric!
- Your wife's gone mental
again!

- Eric, please answer me!

Eric,

Eric!

- Ah.

- Eric, where are you?

- Come on, you son of a--
I mean, my son.

- Eric! Eric!

- Listen, Eric, I just want
our basket back;

then I'll leave.

- You're wearing that?

- Eric.

- Good riddance,
you stinkin' atheist.

[ CHUCKLING ]

- Wow.

- You know, Jenni,
this really is your fault.

- Why did he do it?
- Your money.

The question is now did Marian
die in an accident?

- Hm.
- I suppose we'll never know.

- I want to be the next
White Rock girl.

- Ah, get into the
anti-sex-mobile here.

- Well, I nabbed
the collection plate,

so dinner's on me.

- Um, uh, should we
call the cops?

- No, we didn't last time,
and it seemed to work out.

- Mm, live frogs are the best.

- They're gone, rest.

- This is your colon on pork.
Any questions?

- The only end, my friend.

- Yeah, yeah, and the children
are all insane, right?

- Yeah.

[ RINGS BELL ]

- Gee, I'm coming.
Hold your water.

Ah!
- Hi, are you Tom Servo?

- Um, no-- heh-heh.

- Well, I have a package here
for, uh,

Tom Servo
from Coffins, Et cetera.

Could you sign for it, please?

- No!
- Hey, hey, hey, Servo!

Your coffin is here, you luck--
- No!

- Oh, hey, Tom,

looks like your coffin
finally arrived, huh?

- What, what, what?

Oh, yeah, it did,
didn't it?

- Here, I'll sign
for that there.

- Don't sign it.

- Oh, hey, this looks like
a great place to work.

- Yeah.
- Oh, thanks.

You have a good one.
- Yeah.

- Thanks a lot, Mike.

Now I'm just gonna
have to return the thing.

It's really - they stick you
for the shipping.

It's like 750 bucks each way.

- Really?
Ouch, huh?

- Boy, tell me about it.

I had to max out
your Optima card.

[ LAUGHING ]
Whoops.

- I have a feeling
you're going to get

a lot of use
out of that coffin.

- Oh, yeah?
- Come on.

- Come, sunshine, come.

- Hey, there's an ape
calling us.

- Huh?
- Oh.

- What?

- Ooh, ooh,
oh, my goodness!

Mike, Crow, Servo,

why aren't you
in your monkey costumes?

It's getting late,

and you're supposed to be
in your monkey costumes now.

Because remember?

We agreed this is the time
when you should be

in your monkey costumes
at this time.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[ LAUGHING ]
Psych!

Ooh-hoo, it's me, Bobo!

[ LAUGHING ]
I'm kidding you!

I really had you
going there for a while.

You thought I was an ape.

I totally fried you losers.

[ LAUGHING ]

- Bring Eye,
would you mind?

- Oh, I couldn't possibly.
Oh, all right.

[ BOBO LAUGHING ]

- Hey, hey!
You guys got big.

Oh, hey, what the--?

Ah, mm, mm, ah!

[ THEME MUSIC PLAYING ]