Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 11, Episode 6 - Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues - full transcript

-♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ Somewhere in time and space

♪ Mike Nelson
and his robot pals ♪

♪ Are caught in a nasty place

♪ They try to survive
the wrath of Pearl ♪

♪ Just an evil gal
who wants to rule the world ♪

♪ From her castle below
she sets her sights above ♪

♪ Just to torture
all her captives ♪

♪ On the Satellite of Love

-Get me down!

-♪ I'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst I can find

-♪ La, la, la

-♪ He'll have to sit

♪ And watch them all

♪ And I'll monitor his mind

-♪ La, la, la

-♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪

-♪ La, la, la

-♪ He'll try to
keep his sanity ♪

♪ With the help of
his robot friends ♪

♪ Robot roll call

♪ Cambot
-You're on!

-♪ Gypsy
-Oh, my stars!

-♪ Tom Servo
-Check me out!

-♪ Crow
-I'm different!

-♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts

♪ La, la, la

♪ Just repeat to yourself

♪ It's just a show

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Hi, everyone.
Welcome to the Cub Den of Love.

-Hi.

-We're just having
our den meeting.

-Bobcats, do or die!

-Uh, Crow, why don't you tell
them what we've done so far?

-Well, we worked on, then gave
up on, our pinewood derby car,

finished the pipe-cleaner owl,
grafted a macaroni replica of

Van Gogh's "Self Portrait
with Bandaged Ear,"

and we sang a song about trees.

-Right, and, uh, hey, where's
Tom for all of this, anyway?

-Present!
-Whoa!

-Ooh. [Chuckles]

Tom, I don't quite know how to
tell you this, but, um --

-You're a Brownie, Tom.
-I know I'm a Brownie.

I'm not stupid, you know?
Sheesh!

-Well, Brownie doesn't really
work with the whole Cub Scout

idiom, does it?
-Yeah, I think it's illegal.

-Look, you try wearing little
shorts over a hoverskirt.

I got a great deal on this at
Value Village, and besides,

it's quite freeing.
[Chuckles]

Now, are we going to
eat cupcakes

and play mall ball or what?

-We'll be right back.

-Just think of me as a chibalo.

-Um, no.

♪♪

-And, uh, nice use of ziti
for the hat.

I think that gives it a real...

-Aw, now what the hell are you?

-Hey, back off, okay?!
-Whoa!

-It's my Flemish glassblower
costume!

I bought it. I wanted to get
some use out of it.

-Take it easy.
-I grabbed it out of the bin.

It was on sale.

What, you'd rather I grab
the Spanish courtesan getup?

-Pearl's calling.

-I mean, come on!

-Okay.
-Wow.

-Hello, Mike, Crow,
Flemish glassblower.

In my quest to become a fully
accredited mad scientist,

I've overlooked some of
the simpler experiments

that got me interested in
mad scientist avuh-- zuh...

Brain Ball, help me out here.
What?

-A mad scientist
stala-um-jamy...

No, no, no, no, no, mad
scientist stab-ulanismary...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, right.

For instance, you take a potato,push a four-inch piece of

zinc wire into one end,

a four-inch piece of copper wireinto the other end,

you now have a crude battery.

Next, get your assistant
to cut power

to all the major cities
of the world.

-Cutting all power to New York,
London, Tokyo, Fond du Lac.

-Send your talking monkey out
to buy hundreds of tons of

potatoes, control the world's
supply of power,

and, soon, you will rule
the universe!

It's that easy!

[Laughter]

-I'm back!

-Yes!
Where are they, my precious?

-Oh! Dear god, you wanted me to
get you something, didn't you?

Well, I was at the club,
but I got distracted

by these delicious smoothies!

-Potatoes, you idiot, potatoes!

-Gah, that's it!

That's why I got
a potato smoothie.

-Ah, we're ruined, ruined...

unless --
Mike, you're huge and pink.

You must have potatoes
around there.

-Ah.
-Hmm.

-Uh, no.

Oh, you know, I had one
that I was saving, but, uh,

it's pretty soft,
and the eyes are all grown out.

-Ew! Plus, the one side
is all mushy and green!

Ugh.

-I don't care. Uh, Brain Guy,
send it down, quick.

Yes!

Triumph is mine!

This potato will power
the satellite link,

allowing me to
announce to the world...

-Ugh.

-Squishy!

-Oh, never mind.

Brain Guy, send him the movie.

"Boggy Creek II:
And the Legend Continues."

-Right.

-Oh, and you better
restore power to

all the world's capitals,

and send them a note of apology
and a box of steaks.

-You know, my smoothie gives me
great power!

-Oh, just hit yourself.

-Okay.

-Dear Boston, sorry about
cutting off the power.

Please accept this box of steaksas a recompense.

-Uh, Pearl?
I've got plenty of frozen okra.

-And rutabagas
conduct electricity.

-Yeah.
-We're not going to eat

this white hominy
if you'd like that.

-D'oh! Movie time!
-Oh, we got to move.

♪♪

♪♪

-Didn't want my okra, huh?

It's good okra.

-[Sighs]

-And the legend continues to be
not heard about by anyone.

-Hmm, this is
"Rich Man, Poor Man" font.

-You're right.

-Pierced Chuck, $1.49 a pound.

-[Southern accent] From the
Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts,

Jimmy Clem.

-Already there's too much
piercing in this movie.

-Well, that's a half-hearted
attempt at a porn name.

-[Normal voice]
Don "Dan" Atkins.

James "Jeans" Tennison.

-Oh, we were with theVanderburgs, and Charles and Pat

and I decided to make
"The Legend of Boggy Creek II."

-Uh, Frank, where's the music?

-I should have it done
by the time it reaches

those dollar theaters.

-That's Charles B.
"In Over His Head" Pierce.

-I'm up. I'm up.

-Yeah, the Sun has a hard time
getting up when we switch to

daylight savings time.

-The swamps of
southern Arkansas...

-There's a legend of a beer
in these swamps.

-...stretching out
for miles and miles,

the beginning of a new day.

-Full of thick Southern promise.

-Been repeating itself for
centuries upon centuries

over these bottomlands.

-He said "bottom."

-[Chuckles]

-Some of these great cypress
have stood here

before the Vikings sailed
the seas in their longships...

-That was, like, 1962, right?

-...towering above
this backwatered country,

watching and listening to a
multitude of life old and new.

-This is the story of
fried pork rinds.

-It is here that rivers are
born, and creeks and sloughs

branch off and cross
this vast wilderness...

-Good for dumping poisons.

-...leaving dense thickets
and big timbers

that rise up out of
this murky, soggy earth.

-They've been trying to get
a new NASCAR track in here.

-Jim Stafford's bathwater.

-Beaver, mink, birds, raccoons,
snakes, and alligators

are but a few of the creaturesthat make up the swamp's legend.

-Mostly,
it's worms and chiggers.

-Sometimes, it's eerie
and sometimes pristine...

-Mm?

-...but it is ever alive
and alert.

-And it's got a gun,
so don't try anything.

-The Sulphur River makes its waysouth from here...

-Ew!
-...heading for the Mississippi

and then on to the salt water
of the Great Gulf.

It is along this river and its
tributaries that decades ago,

a legend was born...

-But what the hell is that?

-...a legend that told of
a huge,

hairy, man-like creature
that lives and roams

these rivers and swamps.

-But this,
I don't know what this is.

-It is said that he stands over
eight feet tall

and can weigh as much as
300 pounds.

Thick hair covers almost
his entire body.

-Although he is thinning on top.

-Oh, fur kills, man.
That's right.

It is hot today.

-It is from this tributary
that the creature got its name.

-His name is Tributary?

-This is Boggy Creek.

It branches off from the river
and makes its way through

the swamp, and the believabilityof the sightings

along Boggy Creek
are rated very high.

-By J.D. Power.-Most of them have been reported

by experienced hunters
and fisherman

who wade their way deep into
this backwatered country.

-We will march into
the Forbidden Zone!

-So everyone wants to know.

-Where the hell am I going
with this?

-Is it man?

-I don't know, man.

-Could it be a creature,
or is it myth?

-How would I know?
-Spin, spin, spin.

-No one really knows.

-Look,
I'm sorry I even brought it up.

-So the legend continues.

-Oh, boy, I'm not continuing
like I used to when I was kid,

let me tell you.

-♪ Ha, ha, hee

I'm going to wander into
a suburb,

panic, and crash through
a school window.

♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm

Come on, flower,
hand over the pollen.

That's right.

-And another thing
about being a deer,

why do we have to cross
at the deer crossing sign?

Oh, heck, I should've brought
my swim trunks.

♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, ooh-hoo

-Suddenly, flying low under
the radar, two armed egrets.

-There's a zipper on his neck.

-It's a gazelle
in a deer costume.

-Wow.

♪ It was the 3rd of December

Chika, chika, chika, chika.

Hitching a ride on the back of
a snapping turtle.

-Ew, mucky bottom!

Mucky bottom, ew!

-See, this guy is never going toslalom.

He can't even get out of
the water.

-Ooh.

-Ironically,
that was Bambi's stepmother.

-Honey? Honey?
Where'd you go, honey?

Hun -- honey? Honey?

-[Yawns] I'm just going to
take a little nap.

-Typical deer hunter.

-Yeah, and, meanwhile,
his wife is off watching

the Chippendales
with her girlfriends.

♪♪

-It's okay.

Deer spontaneously
regenerate bodies.

-They're punting
the deer's head!

[Whistle blows]

-They're waving giant tribbles.

-The cheerleaders suggest
that we go!

-I'm going!

The cheerleader's plan
is working!

-Hey, a bearded egg in a tie.

-Black power.

-Go!

Come on!

-Eh, you take it!

-Go, go!

-They took our advice
and started winning!

-We have attached our egos
to you!

[Telephone ringing]

-Wow, that antelope
has a lot of degrees.

-Well, Bill, I'd say Arkansas
is in good shape.

-Uh, yeah? Hello?

I mean, Dr. Lockhart's office.

-Yes, I'm skinnier.
-Yep.

-Yes, sir.

-He's at the game, sir.

Get him?

Sir, he's at the stadium
with 75,000 insane hog callers.

-They're calling insane hogs?

-Yes, sir.

All right. Right away, sir.

-Your halftime show -- Yo-Yo Ma

and the entire
Bach Cello Suites.

-I'm going to leave in the firstquarter to beat the rush.

-There's a chickpea!

-The stadium is built next to
a giant Braun coffee grinder.

-Sir, sir, your fly is open.

I saw it from across the field.

-Well,
just resuscitate the patient.

I'll be there at the half.

-Who was that skinny guy
who just talked to me?

-Go, go, go!

-A Razorback hat lacks the quietdignity of the cheese wedge.

-Mm-hmm.

-We welcome Accountemps
in section four!

-Holding penalty...

[Crowd cheering]

-Get your tongue out of my ear.
What are you...

-I heard that!

-Hmm.

♪♪

-Yes, sir.

-I'm ready for some football.

-Listen,
we appreciate you calling us.

We should be in Texarkana
before dark, yes.

Okay.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

All right. We got everything --

got the Jeep, camper,
got the computer, mic sensors?

-Everything but the mic sensors.

-Okay.
Where's your friend Leslie?

-She should be here anytime.

-Tim, go ahead
and get the mic sensors.

Put them in.
-Uh, mic's right here!

-Oh, but, uh, all right.

Um...

-Hi!

-It's the keyboardist
from "Fame."

-Anybody tell you
where we're going?

-Yep, Texarkana.

-There's a disco there, right?

-They tell you we're going to bein the woods most of the time?

-Well, she said
we're going down looking for

some kind of wild man.

What?

-I am that wild man.

-You just don't look likeyou're dressed for the occasion.

-Well, I brought
my jeans and shorts.

-Uh, will they dress for
the trip?

-I certainly hope so.

Load up and let's go.
-Great.

-Now I'm Bocephus.

-My name is Brian C. Lockhart.

My friends call me Doc,

but I'm a professor of
anthropology at

The University of Arkansas,

located deep
in the Ozark Mountains.

-I'm a dim-witted left.

-With me, one of my freshman
students, Tim Thornton.

-My snap-towel manager.

-Leslie Ann Walker --
All I know about her,

she's a good friend
of Tanya Yazzie,

one of my prized students.

-Prized student in that
she gets C's,

but she's really cute.

♪♪

-We're going camping,
and you're going to watch.

-After my call from
the Miller County

Sheriff's Department,
we were soon leaving

the rolling hills
of northern Arkansas behind

and headed for the swamps.

-Hey, the Tomb of the Unknown
Cracker.

-Tim had a bladder the size
of a thimble.

♪♪

-Here's where the legend works
the night shift.

-Even this place
has a great website.

-Can I help y'all?

-Yes, do you sell turquoise
plastic pith helmets?

-Good evening.
-Good evening!

-Do you, uh,
have any ammunition?

-Yes, sir.

-We both forgot our teeth.
-I need a box of .30-30 shells.

-Regular or hollow-point?

-Doesn't matter.

-Want this on
your Klan account?

-Y'all going camping?

-I guess you could say that.

We're looking for
the Boggy Creek Creature.

-I married her!

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

-There ain't no such thing,
you know?

-I know, but we got
this funding.

-I guess that's why we're here.

We're going to try to determine
if there is one or not.

-You can take my word for it.

There ain't no monsters
around here.

-Well, then, do you have any
puffy hats with filthy sayings?

-I believe that's about
all we need.

-Hey, boy, where do you think

you're going to
find that monster?

-Leave me alone, you guys.

-Going to find him in the swamp
if it exists.

-Well, he don't.
-Ooh.

-He's been seen over 100 times
since the early '50s.

-Seen by who,
drunks or city folks like you,

all wanting your names
in the newspaper?

[Laughs]

-Okay, call off your dogs.

-What do I owe you?

-Well, that'll be
$16.59, please.

-You want to contribute
to our fund

for the War Against
Northern Aggression?

-So that's money!

Usually, we get paid
in possum hides.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

You know something, though?
-I don't like your neck sweat.

-You ought to go down there
to that swamp tonight

with a monkey suit,

and these here folks
would stay tomorrow night

at the motel in the city!

-Well, ain't going
to work now, Earl.

He's standing right there!

[Laughter]

-You know something?

I believe there's
a creature here.

-There it is!
-And being a city fella

like I am,
I'm scared to death of it.

That's why I got a .30-30 rifle
in the back of that Jeep

and I bought
this box of shells.

-Liberal!

-In fact, I'm so afraid of it,

I just might shoot a monkey
if it jumped out on me.

-Andy!

-Good day, sir.

-And I will not call again.

♪♪

-♪ On the wings of
a snow-white dove ♪

♪ He sends his pure sweet love

♪ A sign from above

-♪ Abo-bove

-It's the Orval Faubus museum.

-I got nipple rub.

-Oh, him.

-That's W.L. Slogan's farm
that we studied about,

right there.
-Dublow?

-You think he'll let us
go look in the barn?

-Yeah, let's go look in it.

-Besides, we might
find something.

-Tim, run up to the farmhouse
and see if they'll let us

go down to the barn
and look around, okay?

-Yeah, threaten them
with your physique.

-Can I borrow a cup of shirt?

-I bet she doesn't want us
around here.

-I don't want you around here.

-Okay. Hey, y'all, come on.

-Come on.

-You guys can use the toilet,
but she says I can't.

-So these three are
all majoring

in Boggy Creek studies?

-And he falls in
and gets eaten by a pig.

-Late in the afternoon,
Slogan came --

that field there,
driving his cows.

-And one of them blew a tire.

-He had to have put them
in that stall right there,

but it was in this barn
where he saw the creature.

-Yeah, when you major
in Boggy Creek studies,

you can write your own ticket

on Wall Street
after you graduate, huh?

-Okay, people without shirts,
please put them on,

and people with shirts,
please take them off.

-You know, they said Slogan
was in his late 60s.

-God, I said that well.

-I think it was in about
'63 or '64.

-It was '64.

-That's correct.
It was in the fall of the year.

In fact, it was probably about

this time of day,
late afternoon.

-Geez, do a push-up, kid.

-It came in from that field,

drove those cows over here
in the stall...

-Turn off the lights and let me
project my thoughts.

-Come on. Get up there.

Get in there.

-You're in so much trouble,
jumping over the moon.

-Have a good time
in there, you two.

-My memory had cheesecloth
over it at this point.

[Rooster crows]

-Sure, crow now.

It's 11:30.

-The cows had a mutilation
they had to go to.

[Door creaks]

♪♪

-If I'm not mistaken,
that's Jed!

-Ah, all right.

-He cuts a dashing figure
in his wife's Panama hat.

-Looks like Tom Wolfe.

♪♪

-Well, no sense closing
the barn door after the cows.

Hey, I invented an aphorism.

♪♪

-Ted Nugent?
-Slash?

-Rob Zombie?

-Cher?
-Yeah, Cher.

[Dog barking in distance]

-Hey, Legend,
how's the continuing going?

-Well, no more corn liquor
on my Total for breakfast.

-Well, I'll be damned.

Farmers do exist.

-I am so much better
than this barn.

♪ Well, we're drivin'
down the road ♪

♪ Looking for a Waffle House

♪ Drinking lots of Wild Turkey,
yeah ♪

-Wee-hoo.

Hoo-hoo.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, knock it off,
you big lizard.

-You knock it off, too,
you big brown elf.

-Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, you two.

Come on, come on.
What are you fighting about?

-Um...
-Uh...

-Huh.
-I don't know.

-The usual, I guess.
-Well --

Oh, now you made me forget
what I came up here for.

-Well, I'll help you, Mike.

-I'll just use a flashback
like in the movie.

It was 15 or 20 seconds ago.

I remember it like
it was just yesterday.

Servo and I were fighting about
God knows what,

and you came in
and separated us.

After a smattering of dialogue,

you discovered that you forgot
why you're here.

There.

That should take care of it
for you, Mike.

-Hmm. Well, your flashback
was a little sketchy

in that it told me nothing.

-Gah.
-Here, let me give it a shot.

It was a few years back,
long before Crow's flashback.

I saw two well-muscled
Olympian figures

locked in gymnasial sport.

Suddenly, the kraken appeared,casting asunder the two demigods

and then engaging them
in a Socratic symposium

on the verisimilitude of memory.

Uh, and then it starts
to get a bit hazy.

-That's amazing, Servo.

You're better than that guy
who wrote that thing

about remembering stuff.

-Thank you.
-Okay, spread out,

you two knotty-pated mushrooms.

I'll show you
what actually happened.

-Okay, there's these two
objects I can't quite, uh...

Oh, okay, now a big
blue shadow is...

Man, this is awful.

I can't make heads
or tails out of --

Oh, wait a minute.

I just figured it out.
I remember.

I came up here
to get my contacts.

-[Laughs] Of course.

It all makes sense now.

-We'll be right back.
-Hey, next time,

I'm going to have a car chase
in my flashback.

-Cool.

♪♪

♪♪

-[Imitating music]

-That was Alan Jackson.

-Tim, hand me that map
out of there.

I'm going to check
something here.

-I'm going to look at "Oui"
for a while.

-That sign back there said
Sulphur River.

-Are we there yet?
-We're close.

Got about a mile or so more.
-Oh, good.

I can finally change
these clothes.

-Well, you can go ahead
and change your clothes now

if you want.

That would be okay, no, really.

-Damn, those bushes are right
on my bumper.

[ Tires screech ]

-Thank goodness for the Jeep's
braking distance of 500 yards.

-Huh, he suddenly became
a senior citizen.

-Wait, we got firearms,
but we don't have any liquor.

♪♪

-[Humming]

♪♪

-Y'all wait in the Jeep.

-Me and the castrato
will check this out.

-I guess it fell out
of the monster's pocket.

-Posing for their spring
break pictures.

-Hey, Doc, what is it?
-Ah.

-Mike, his batch.
-Oh, I know, I know.

-It looks like a dead deer.
-Oh.

-Let's go look at it.
-No way.

I'm not going to go down
and look at a dead deer.

-It's horrible.
-Oh, man.

Oh, my friends got me drunk
and left me out here.

What time is it, man?

-It looks like a car or truck
hit it not long ago here.

-What happened to its head?

-I don't know.

What happened to the car
or truck is the question.

-I don't believe any car
or truck hit this deer.

-Why do you say that?

-Something's been eating
on its right hindquarter.

-Doesn't matter.
Let's get it out of the road

before somebody else
runs over it and has a wreck.

-I still don't believe any car
or truck hit this deer.

-You need to work
on your camel toe, son.

-Well, doesn't matter.

It's probably bobcat,
puma, or something.

Who knows?

Maybe it belongs
to the creature.

-Hey, can I get a sheetor some underpants or something?

-Hey, her hat has
a retractable dome.

-Hmm.

-Well, this roadkill
ain't that bad.

-Hey, man, now what
kind of camping is this?

There's no RV hookups.

-I claim this land
for Arkansas.

-We're close to the swamp.

-Okay, Ponce de León.

-We're going to make camp
right here, right here.

-Aw, man,
I left my hose on all night.

-[Squeaking]

-Okay, sniff your arm sweat.
Calm down.

That's it.

-Hey, everybody,

I managed to cram my ass
into these shorts.

-Robin Williams.
-That's pretty good, Tim.

-He needs a bra.
-In fact,

I'd say that that's pretty closeto what it actually looked like.

-Let me see.

-Grr.

-You've got to be kidding.

-Nope, fits
all the descriptions.

-You mean to tell me that we're
camped down here in the swamp

where that thing
might be living?

-I think he's sexy.
-Yeah.

-I think we're all crazy
if we don't go to town

and get a motel room.

-I wouldn't worry
a lot about it.

I don't think it's been seen
in a few days anyway.

Although they appear
to be docile

and never intentionally
harmed anyone...

-They do anyway.
-There is one incident

that's always intrigued me.

-Seeing those underpants.

-It was sometime in the fall
a few years back.

An elderly gentleman by the nameof Otis Tucker

was on his way home fromgrocery shopping in Pampa County

when he had a blowout
on a lonely stretch of road

that runs parallel to this one.

-Let's watch and enjoy.

-Fortunately,
he was wearing pull-ups

because of his frequent
blowouts.

-My flashback wasn't
color corrected

when it came back from the lab,

so it's kind of dark.

-Zip.

-Ah, hey.

-Oh, good lord have mercy.

-Yes?

-I've got to get home
and not talk to my wife.

-Now there's my Johnnycake pan.

-Ah, I've got to get going.

I'm trying to cook a porkshoulder on my exhaust manifold.

-Hello.

-Look, are you gonna
keep filming

or are you gonna help me
with the tire?

-Anybody there?

-The woods are just crammed
with those Y2K survivalists.

-So a guy changed a tire.

The believability rating
is quite high here.

-Ken Burns' six-part series,
"Tire Change."

-He had a tight lug nut.

Plus, he had a bad back,
which didn't help any.

-Anybody there?
-Just think of the raccoons

that have died
at this guy's hands.

-Otis didn't believe
in flashlight batteries.

-Oh, good lordy!

[ Screams ]

-Ooh.

-Otis Tucker never regained
consciousness.

-He was dead,
so it makes sense.

-He stayed in the hospital
for over two years.

Therefore, he was never able
to tell anybody

what happened to him.

♪♪

-The circles,
what do they represent?

-Round things.
-Well, see this first line?

That's 200 meters.

Then we come into 75, 50,
and of course the square here,

that represents the home base.

So we should be able
to sit right here

and monitor this whole area.
-Uh-huh.

-So you mean if anything
approaches the camp,

we should be able to see it?

-It depends on how sensitive
we set these sensors.

-Hmm.

-For instance, there are
two ways we can do it.

We can set this up for weight,
or we can set it up for height.

-Mm-hmm.

-Now, let's run this first test
on weight.

For instance,
Tanya is about 110 pounds,

so I'm going
to enter that in now.

-107.

-Okay, Tim I'd say
is about 130.

-Excuse me, 128.

-It's in.

Now, there's one other thing
we've got to do.

-Love.

-We need to set this
at anything over 100 pounds

to set it off, so 100 pounds,

because like snakes
or small animals,

raccoons or something,
we don't want to set it off.

Let's raise them on the radio

and run our test.
-All right.

Tanya, do you read?

-Third-grade level.
-Yeah, I read.

It's just me and a whole bunch
of bloodthirsty mosquitoes.

-Oh.
-Tim, do you read?

-Loud and clear.

Hey, Doc, how long you want me
to wait out here?

I'm getting hungry.

-Here, let me talk
to stick boy.

-That boy is always hungry.

Okay, gang,
we're all set up here.

I'll tell you what I want
you guys to do now.

-Me.

-I want you to start back
to the base,

and I want you
to come directly at me.

Try to come in a straight
line, okay?

-Got you.
-Okay, Dad.

I-I mean, professor
who is in no way my dad

giving me a role in this movie.

-Look here.
Okay, there's Tim.

See?

Okay, see this dot?
That's Tanya.

She just broke the first
200 meters right there.

-I hope the radar
doesn't detect

I'm not wearing a bra.

-Nature is grody.

-Okay, baby is working
like a charm.

-The marvels of modern science.

-Boy, Tim is a real strong blip
on my gaydar.

[Monitor beeping rapidly]

-Brian, what's that?

-That was the computer I was
just telling you about.

-Uh-huh, something broke

at the southwest corner
of the perimeter there.

-It's moving towards Tanya.

-Don't panic now.

Hold just a minute.

It could be a deer.

It could be a cow or anything.

-It could be Bernie Taupin.

It could be a Pilates machine,
anything.

-Let me put some weight in
and see what it says.

I'll go to 250.

-Oh, crap, I wiped out
my identity again.

-I'm going to download Pong.

It should only take
about seven hours.

-Your key is separately mic'd
for your convenience.

-I'll go to 400 pounds.

-It's William Perry.
-Oh.

-This is a problem.
-Yeah, hold on.

I've got to announce
the luncheon specials.

-Tanya, I don't want
to alarm anybody, but...

-Run!
-...this thing just broke

the southwest corner
of the perimeter.

Do you hear or see anything?

-I hear my tummy growling, and
I see lots and lots of trees.

-Doc, I don't see a thing.

-Can I get a drop slip?

-It's moved more than 50 yards
in the last few seconds.

-Something is out there,
and it's heading towards Tanya.

Tell them to come in, Brian.

-You guys, I want you
to come back to base,

and I want you
to come back quickly.

Tim, come on. Move it.

Get in here now.
Come on, Tanya.

Move.

-Lucy Braless.

-I want you to stay on this mic
and watch that screen.

Here, take this.
I'm going out there.

There is something wrong.
-Run, girl, run!

-Go, fight, go.

-Keep me posted.

-Man, someone had
a huge Toblerone bar.

-Dr. Batch, this fall.

♪♪

-Uh, uh, uh, uh, yeah.

-Let's get physical, physical.

Let's come on.

-Come on.

Come on.
Give me the walkie-talkie.

-Is it him?
-I don't know.

Keep going.
Get to camp.

-Is she wearing pantyhose?
-I don't know.

-A bunch of Shmoos
are attacking.

-Doc?
-Yeah, come on.

I read you.
-It's close to you.

-My left or right?

-Well, which way
are you facing, idiot?

-Oh. I smell you.

-You're wearing Giorgio,
aren't you?

-You'd better say something.

-Oh, I didn't
have anything prepared.

Let's see.

-I've got to run in and trim
an inch off my shorts.

-Ooh.

-I'm glad you're all right.
-What's going on?

-Okay, legs bent,
butt protruded,

stomach pooched out, good.

-You're all right?
-I'm okay.

-Brian, it's gone.

It was there,
and it just disappeared.

-Gone.
-It's fast.

I've never seen anything
that fast in my life.

-Where is Tim?
-Oh, no.

-Oh, no.
Let me check this thing.

-Did you get rid
of Missile Command?

-My god, he's not there.

Wait a minute.

He is not there.

-Viv Savage,
research assistant.

[Door opens]
-Boo.

-Damn, he's alive.

-Boy, you scared
the skit out of us.

-Every night, we had to tie Tim
in the trees

to keep him safe
from the creature.

-The short short trailer.

-Huh, the Target website
is boring.

-[Yawns]

-Uh-oh, please, please
don't be splayed.

-No, no.
-Ah.

-Where do you want to go today?

How about Arkansas?

-Adequate father,
domineering mother.

[Owl hoots]

-Woodsy is out there,
and he's yelling at someone

for littering.

-You've got monster.

[Monitor beeping]

-My computer performed
an illegal operation?

-Here comes greater than dot.

-Hmm, I'll just enter "go away."

-Oh, no.

-That thing we're looking for
is coming, oh, no.

-I thought you'd be in between.

Wake up.

Hey, we've got a visitor.

-He wakes them up once an hour
just to see their underpants.

-You got a visitor.
Come on.

Look at this.

-I am doing great
at this FreeCell game.

-He just passed the 200-meter
perimeter right there.

-It's a menorah.

-I can't take any more of this.
-Hold on, just listen.

Watch him a minute.
-Doc, are you sure it's him?

-Positive.

I just put in 350 pounds.

Then I went to 400, and he wasexactly where I thought he'd be,

in between.

-Doc, let's get out of here.
-Wait just a minute.

We're going to watch him.

-Doc does a lot of watching.
-Uh-huh.

-He's still away yet.

Look. He stopped.

-He stopped, Troy.

-Here he goes.

He's moving north,
away from us now.

-He's riding a moose,
and he has a weapon.

-Look at him.

He's circling this camp.

I don't believe it.

-I hope he likes my fright wig.

-Watch him a second.

He's turning back.
He's come across the 50 now.

-He's at the 40, the 30.
-Doc, he's headed for the camp.

-[Screams]
-Hold it.

-Shut up!

-Tim, stop screaming.
-We lost power.

Be quiet.
I've got to hear.

Don't panic.

Nobody panic.
-Oh, Tim.

-I've got to be able
to hear it.

That's important.
Get that candle over here.

♪♪

-You guys, Pearl is calling.
You guys, Pearl is calling.

You guys, Pearl is calling.

You guys, Pearl is calling.

You guys, Pearl is calling.

You guys, Pearl is calling.
You guys, Pearl is calling.

-Okay, Gypsy.
-Pearl is calling.

-Thank you.

Yes? What now?

-Mike, Crow, Servo,
Gypsy, Mike?

I don't want to frighten you,

but there's a huge mysterious
monster of some sort lurking...

-Oh, Bobo.

-His mighty odor precedes him.

[Sniffing]

-Bobo.

-Traces of his scat
left like small gifts, oh.

-Bobo.
-Stop that.

The point is you get a legend,

you get lumpy tourists spending
their disposable incomes.

So to get it all going, country
legend Hank Brain Guy Jr.

has penned a haunting,evocative song about said beast.

♪♪

-♪ You putt around these parts
long enough ♪

♪ And you might hear a tale
of some skulking creature ♪

♪ Wandering around
the woolly swamp ♪

♪ Hairy and beast-like

♪ Set in a mess of
heaping trouble ♪

♪ Among the good folks
living up yonder ♪

♪ Now, some folks
don't pay no mind ♪

♪ Other folks will tell you
it don't mean no harm ♪

♪ You ask Ms. Fidey Lou, she'll
look away with her bad eye, ♪

♪ And she'll look at you
straight on with her good eye ♪

♪ And she'll tell you she don't
know nothing about it ♪

♪ But then she gives you a
little shudder like she might ♪

♪ She just might know something
about it ♪

♪ Gather round, all ye friends
and neighbors and kin ♪

♪ There's a creature
who lives in the swamp ♪

-That's it.
-So clearly,

there is
some sort of creature.

We really haven't
hammered out all the details.

Please excuse us now.

We have to get busy
making keychains,

T-shirts,
little plastic figurines.

Bye.

-Bobo.

-Shut up!
Back into the theater.

-Aah!
-It could be everywhere.

♪♪

♪♪

-Did you put gas
in the generator?

-I'll tell you about that.
-Cut it out!

We've got to be quiet.
I've got to hear.

-This class must be fun.

-Everything depends
on that gun.

Give me that gun quick.

Give me the gun.

-Do the scary-face thing.
-All right.

-Give me the dart.

-Oh, my God, Brian, not that.
-Listen.

It may be the only
chance we have.

If it's him, I'm going to
try to stop him right now.

-With this Sheaffer pen.
-Okay, now listen.

It's important.

Do not panic, because we may
not ever get this chance again.

Now, you've got to be quiet
so I can hear.

-Use your indoor voice.
-Listen.

Tim, where's the gas?

-It's just outside.
-All right.

You get the gas can.

You guys, stay right here
in quiet.

Let's go. Move.

-Y'all, be careful.

-I don't mean that.

-All right, hold it.

-No, don't hold that.
What are you...

-Let me see that light.

[Rattling]
Quiet in there.

-My nail polish.

-Move to the end, will you,
and hold it right there.

-You look beautiful
in this light.

[Rattling]

-Quiet.

-He's the one who tripped.

♪♪

-Where are the gas cans?

-Sorry, I'm not mechanical.
-Under there.

-All right. Get it.

Come on.

-Okay, now you need to immolate
yourself

to distract the monster.

-Good, make sure you get
lots on the grass.

-Wow.
-Doc, am I overdressed?

-Hurry. Crank it.

-Okay, uh, uh, uh, uh.

[Grunts]

-Oh, he's got a third nipple
developing, ah.

-They can play night games now.

-Where is the lawgiver?
-Oh, boy.

-[Imitates whimpering]

[Creature growling]

-Can I borrow some charcoal?

-My wonderful discovery,
let's kill it.

-You feel lucky, punk?

-Talk to me.

-Nah, I don't want
to bend your ear.

-Oh, right in the stork.

-Hey, a flu shot, thanks.

[Creature growling]

-Hey, hot shot, you ever use
a tranquilizer gun

rectally before?

-Once I get free of this tree,
I'm going to be so over there.

Oh.

-I guess the believability
rating

just spiked a little higher.

-Yeah.

[Creature roars]

-Wow, does that hurt.

-What kept attracting him
to come back

around our camp puzzled me.

The dart gun was a mistake.

He simply reached
and pulled it out.

-It was a lewd gesture now
that I think of it.

-B.F. Skinner's attack pigeons.

-Everyone was so shook up after
last night, including myself,

I decided to tell them onemore story that was a little bit

on the lighter side.

The story I've heard
goes something like this.

Oscar Culpotter was his name.

-A dramatic re-enactment.

-Just what are you looking for?

-I'm looking for
the Sears, Roebuck catalog.

-Well, I guess you're going to
mess up the whole house for it?

-I will if I have to.

I'd rather do that
than mess up my pants.

-We certainly don't want that.

Catalog's on the back porch.

-Pat Conroy at home.

-Like he's suddenly shy about
going in his pants.

-No, no, the South is going
to do it again.

-A little something
for the ladies.

[Purrs]

-This was their house their
first year of marriage.

[Banging]

-Huh?

-Oh.

-Natalie Imbruglia looks
different without her makeup.

-Myrtle, help!

-It's a poop emergency.

She snaps into action.
-Oh, hold on, Oscar!

-Should I back up
the Renuzit truck?

-Myrtle, help!

-Okay, hold on, Oscar!
I'm coming!

-Is this
"The Miller's Tale," Mike?

-What the hell was that
after you, Oscar?

-Hell if I know, Myrtle.
I thought it was you.

It was the wildest thing
I've ever seen.

-Well, you going to get
that stuff off of you?

-Oh.

-Yeah, hand me
that catalog in there

and let me clean myself up.

-Oh.
-Oh.

-It's going to take more
than a catalog, Oscar.

If you ask me, it's going
to take the water hose.

-Oh.
-Oh.

-Oh!

[Laughter]

-So much, man, so much, golly.

-How much truth there is
to the story I couldn't say.

I can tell you for sure
that Oscar Culpotter

is a retired attorney
from Texarkana

and is known from time to time
to have had a drinking problem.

-Feces, ha!

-Either way,
back to the more serious side.

-A urine story.

-I reached Deputy Williams
by phone

and arranged a meeting
at the local coffee shop.

I decided I would not tell him
or anyone at this point

about seeing the creature
myself last night,

and I advised Tim
and the girls to do the same.

-Sorry, am I talking too much?
-I wanted to hear from Williams

and his version of what he saidit looked like without my input.

-For a transcript
of the poop scene,

send $2.99 to Journal Graphics.

-Okay, y'all,
don't forget anything now.

-Remember to feed Tim.
-Morning.

-Morning, sir, you must be
Deputy Williams.

-You Dr. Lockhart?
-I am.

Let's get some coffee.
-All right.

-I'll just have a frappuccino.
-Oh, that day, huh?

I'd been fishing down
on the Sulphur River.

It was late in the afternoon.

It wasn't dark,
and I went to the shed.

-Oh, no, not another story
about that.

-I was right tired
from swinging a nightstick

at the skulls of suspected
marijuana users all night.

-A stray boat
had followed me home.

-You catch any fish?

-Two.

-Take them down the shed
and clean them.

I don't want them
smelly things up here.

-Oh, they're her own children.

How can she say that?

-I hope we're having
whipped kudzu for dinner.

-Why is she whittling
a tennis ball?

-Then I kept a-walkin' like thatfor quite a while, the end.

-At that point, my hair had
blanketed my football head.

-[Screams]

-Suddenly, I was attacked
by a Muppet.

-Where is the money,
you son of a bitch?

-Aah!

-Now, Bobby, you give the fish
back to the nice man.

-Sorry, he just started
on the Ritalin.

-Shazam.

-No one believes me.

My wife doesn't even think
I've seen such a thing.

That thing was huge,

his eyes glaring out
under that hairy forehead.

He had a pointed skull.

-Um, I'm sorry.

I wasn't paying attention.
What?

-You think it meant
you any harm?

-No, I think he just
smelled dead fish

and just came up to investigate.

-I can see doing that.

-By the way, have you talked
to Old Man Crenshaw?

-I told you never
to bring him up.

-I don't believe
I've ever heard of him.

-He's an old man.

I'll bet he's lived
on the bottoms all his life.

-Sam and Timothy?

-He'll be able
to tell you something.

-Later, that dull story...

-All right, you guys.

It's ready.
Come and get it.

-What are we having?

-Bologna sandwiches
and pork and beans.

-Great, one of my favorites.

-Well, it's not one of mine.
-Huh?

Oh, I didn't see you there.
You were camouflaged.

-Tanya, do you have my blush?

-Blush?
-Blush?

What the hell is blush?
-No, I don't have your blush.

-Besides, I don't want to be
down here anyway.

Let's go into town
and get a motel.

-I don't understand
anything she says.

-Are we going in the swamp
with you guys?

-Not today.
-Oh.

-You're going to leave us
a rifle, aren't you?

-What is she saying now?
-A rifle?

You wouldn't know
what to do with it if I did.

-To hell with you and your
stupid wish to be protected.

-Want to bet?

-Oh.
-Sha-zing.

-Tim and I began searching
behind the camp

hoping we might find hair
or even a small blood sample

from where the creature
had torn off through the woods.

-We only assumed
he had torn off.

Though it's possiblehe beat cheeks or busted a hump.

-All right,
one of these scenes.

-Hey, calm down.
-Oh, I hope they wrestle.

-Come on.
-Can you drive the Jeep?

-Sure, why?

-This is crazy.

-What do you mean by that?

-We're fools for
just sitting here.

-Yes, you could be wrestling.

-Who says that thing
only comes out at night?

-Now I can't understand her.

-It could be watching us
right now.

-Yes, he's waiting for you
to wrestle!

-These fools are
fixing to ride.

-Something about food
for a fistful of rats?

Okay, I'll go with that.

-Oh, good, oh, good, oh, good,
they're going to drive

to someplace
where they can wrestle!

-Okay, dial it down.
-I just want them to wrestle.

♪♪

-♪ He sends his pure,
sweet love ♪

-Trooper Williams left out
one important fact.

He said nothing about the foul
odor the creature emits,

which was still
very much present many hours

after Tim
and I were in the forest.

-In fact, wherever we went,
there was a foul odor.

He must have just been
at every place we looked.

-Mud, do you realize
what this means?

-Shh, Mike said stop it.

-Tanita Tikaram, naturalist.

-I knew we should have stayed
at the camp.

-Well, I don't believe
we came this way.

I don't remember these mudholes.

-We had to have went
through several mudholes.

-But not these,
they're too deep.

-Boggy, do you believe this?

-Do you know how to put
that thing in four-wheel drive?

-Whoa.

-Hell no, I don't.

I've never been in one
of these things

until I came up
on this stupid trip.

-Then you just better hold on.

-Hey, they're using their Jeep
to do things.

I thought you only drive
those things to Starbucks.

-Yeah, I guess.

-It's the Arkansas remake
of "Wages of Fear."

-Checking on the land
they bought from the Clintons.

-Sunday, we turn a giant mud
pit into a giant mud pit.

-Oh, must have hit a Gusher.

-Yes!

Oh, no, she's unzipping the car.

-You've done it now.
-Me?

It was your idea to go riding
around in the first place.

-There's an easy way
to solve this.

-Put the damn thing
in four-wheel drive,

and let's get out of here.

-I don't know how to put the
damn thing in four-wheel drive.

-Uh, darn thing, ladies.

-Maybe there's a manual in here
that will tell us how to do it.

-It's going to take more
than four wheels to get us out

of this whole, like about eight.

-Eight wheels,
so it's come to this.

-Quit joking.

We've got to figure
this thing out.

It's getting late.

-I'm not joking.

The mud's almost up
to our doors.

-Look. Here it is.

This is all we have to do.

-Get naked and wrestle!

-That's enough now.

Come on.

-There, that should be

in four-wheel drive.
-Told you, Servo.

-Crank it up,and let's get out of here, okay?

-This movie is very damp.

I think it's one
of our dampest movies.

-Uh-huh.

-Now, now, now,
is this a flashback?

I'm getting really confused.
-I don't know.

Now they're stuck
in their own makeup.

-There's a red scarf
floating in the air.

Oh, no, it's her.

She's camouflaged.
-Camouflage.

-Yeah, okay.
-It's no use.

We're going to have
to walk out of here.

-My God, don't even suggest
such a thing.

It'll be dark soon.

-They've synchronized,
so they're both crabby.

-I'm open for your suggestions.

-Well, blow the horn.

-Blow the horn?

-Do I look like
I know how to do that?

-What good is that going to do?

-Well, Tim and Brian
are down here somewhere.

Maybe they'll hear it.
-Uh, Tim is too thin to hear.

-Tim and Brian have probablybeen back at the camp for hours,

resting, eating,

dry, comfortable.

-Don't tell me that stuff.
-Sing it instead.

-Trade places with me.
I want to drive.

-No way, you're just going
to make it worse.

-Yeah, well, you're flat.
-Well, we're lost.

Remember?

I'm not going to go start off
walking off in these woods

looking for a camp that we have
no idea where it is.

-Hey, there's a point-of-view
monster headed right for them.

-We'd like to thank the legend
for allowing us

to place
a camera in his helmet.

-It might get a little cold
before the night is over.

-We do have a heater
in this thing, don't we?

-Yep, I believe we do.

-How much gas we got?

-We have E gallons.

-Over half a tank.

-Good.
-Wait.

Which half?
-Today is Tuesday.

They should find us before the
weekend and we run out of gas.

-You got me into this mess.

I want to get out,
and I want to go home.

Alls we've got to do now
is find a tombstone

to mark the spot
where you buried us.

-I think the normally
crisp Charles B. Pierce

writing style
has fallen apart here.

-Ahh, not looking
for them is great.

-[Sighs]

-He's smoking a swizzle stick.

-It's almost 8:00.

-Time for "Dharma & Greg."

-We're going to have
to go find them.

-How?

It's 15 miles out
of this bottom.

-Wow, you could file papers
in that part he has.

-And remember they have
our only transportation.

-Where the hell could they be?

-Leslie probably talked Tanya
into going into town,

probably looking for something
besides bologna to eat.

-Tim's humor
falls a little flat.

-[Chuckles]

[Wolf howls]

-Look at that makeup.

It looks like she's looking out
of a charred log.

-What was that?
-What was what?

-That sound we just heard.

-It sounded like a wolf.

-A wolf?
-Do you think it will survive?

-You mean there's wolves
in these woods, too?

-Also snakes, bobcats,
alligators --

-That's enough.
Don't tell me anymore.

-Wolves, where? Where?

Bobcats, alligators, no, no.

-God, there's a winch
on the front.

-What's that?

-Something that gets you
unstuck with.

-Well, why in the hell haven't
you mentioned it before now?

-You didn't ask.

Besides, I don't know
how to use it.

-Stupid, we have a manual
right here.

Hand me the flashlight.

-Perhaps, they could fashion
their eyeliner

into a crude spear
for protection.

-Okay, it says you keep
the motor running.

You pull --
keep the vehicle in neutral.

You pull out
on the cable until...

-And then it just ends.

-Now I'm lost.

Where the hell am I?

-Here we go.

-I'm going to get that
windshield for you.

-Apparently Candie's made
a hiking boot.

-Hmm.

-Here it is, right here.

-The ground, right where
it's supposed to be.

-Hmm, it's a series of symbols
that carry no meaning.

-See?
There's a cable right there.

You just pull out on that.

-Hmm, they're lucky
they get cable out here.

-I figured I'd be doing
all the work.

-I'm the Mack Truck bulldog.
Ruff.

-Two butch-looking women
not in a Subaru?

Something's wrong here.
-Yeah.

-Aah!
-Mike, Mike, she's in the mud.

They have to wrestle.
-No.

-[Laughing]

-All her woodland friends
are laughing at her.

-"McLintock."
-Look, woman.

If you want to get out of here,
you better get down here

and help me.

-Well, I do want
to get out of here.

-But I enjoy seeing you
in the mud.

It's a difficult choice.

-Well, now that
they're in the mud,

I'm actually feeling
kind of ashamed of myself.

Is this really what I wanted?

-That's the brake cable.

You're pulling it right
out of the car.

-Ranger Rick goes berserk.

-They're not shooting day
for night.

It's more like 4:30 for 5:00.

-Okay, I'll go talk
to the truck.

-Now they stumble on the
Rose Law Firm billing records.

-Well, my boy and I are here
to help you, ladies.

-They're making
blueberry vermicelli.

-Mm.

-You know, I'm at least
as tense as I was during

"A Very Brady Christmas."
-Hm.

-Oh, my God, Leslie.

There he is.

-He is?
-[Screams]

-They must have a better camera
than me.

I can't see a thing.
-Hmm.

-[Screams]

-Oh, they must have seen
a swamp mouse.

They should get a swamp chair
and stand on it.

-[Vocalizing dramatic music]

♪♪

-Well, my rowdy friends
never showed up.

-Doc, what time is it now?

-Almost 11:00.

-I feel something's bad wrong.

-I think I'm feeling better
about us, though.

-Yeah, so do I.

I'll tell you what let's do.

I don't think we can wait
any longer.

-Oh, yes. Oh -- oh.

-Take the rifle.

We're going to the swamp.

[Monitor beeping]

-Two ant sections
are attacking.

-I got a new chest hair today.

-Software by Roy Bob's Feed
and Software, Texarkana.

-Is he back?

-[Chuckles]

-No, but the girls are.

-Are you sure?

-No, but you see how
slow that's moving?

-Remember, Tanya just had
reconstructive knee surgery.

-That's him, all right.

-Get over there.

Get on the bed.
-Put on something lacy.

-We're going to play this out.
-And I have to be on the bed?

Okay.
-It's him, all right.

Just relax, now.
Let's just watch this a second.

-I think its rights
is riding piggyback.

-Playing it out.
-Yeah.

-Boy, it sure is playing
out, huh?

-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah.

-We -- we're --
we're playing it out.

Don't -- Stay on the bed.

-Come in, ladies.

-And so the completely
pointless stretch

of movie whimpers
out like a small dying rat.

-Oh, you know,
this is almost too painful,

this playing it out.
-Mm-hmm.

-Yeah.

-You want to tell me about it?

-I'm going to let her.
-Well, thank you, Tanya.

Our adventure started
in base camp.

The rummy Punjabs
were all around us.

-We stuck the Jeep.

-Up your, um --
What's that word?

-That figures.
-That ain't all.

-Did you wreck it?
-No.

We saw it.

-You saw what?

-I knew they
wouldn't believe us.

Damn it, Doc, we saw it.

You and Tim saw it.

We believed you.
Why can't you believe us?

-Oh.
-Why can't I believe them?

Was it my toilet training?

-Tanya, did you see it?

-Yeah.

-She wants me.

-It wasn't that I didn't
believe them.

I guess I just wantedto get back at them a little bit

for what they had put Tim and I
through for the last six hours.

-[Vocalizing soundtrack music]

-Hmm?

-Aw, well you can't surf
in Arkansas.

Foul.

-Unfortunately,
he is the lifeguard.

-I wouldn't drown.

The rheumatism is acting up.

-Play in the sand and shut up.
-Howdy.

-Howdy.
-You going hunting or fishing?

-Well, we're heading downriver.

-Well, how are you traveling?

Are you wading or riding?

-[Chuckles]
Hopefully, be riding.

Do you rent any boats?

-I got one I can rent you
$5 an hour,

and I've got a larger boat
I can rent you for $25 a day.

Everything furnished.

-We'll take the one
for all day.

-Good.
-Big spend.

-You all go right down there
and wait,

and I'll go bring it around.

-I just got
to build it first.

♪♪

♪♪

-Okay, let's move them out.

-Servo, what are you doing?

-Oh, I've taken up
whittling, Mike.

-Oh, uh, whittling,
like the guy in the movie?

-Well, not exactly, no.

-You see, whittling technology
has been stagnant,

so we saw an opportunity.

-We moved in, bought a
little outfit in Kentucky --

Hey, why is that line stopped?!

-Somebody got their hair
caught on the line.

-I don't care. Get it going!
-Okay.

-Well, now we've got
14,000 employees and 23 plants,

mostly overseas,

but I still got
the one in the States.

You know?
-Yeah.

Wow, you know,
all this machinery,

all these people,
and what do you make?

-Well, listen, the product
has always been good.

We have not altered
the product at all.

We provide the same stick that'sa little narrower at one end.

Go ahead.

Keep that one.
-Thanks.

-Oh, that's Brazilian mahogany,
by the way.

It whittles fairly well.

-Mm, Brazilian mahogany.

Servo, you're decimating
the rainforest to make these?

-Oh, listen, Sting,

you want to see
the cost figures?

-Uh, you know, I guess
you got to say, it's, uh --

-Union!

...it's sort of lost
some of the charm,

some of the folksiness
that I was --

-Yeah, hold on.
Hey, get back to work!

[Workers chanting "Union"]

-Oh, yeah, sure, like
that's going to happen.

Call the Pinkertons for me,
will you, Mike?

I got to go get the hose.

-Uh, we'll be right back.

-Unio-- Ow!
-Yeah, union.

Take a swim, you mutts.

[Laughing maniacally]

♪♪

-Hey, look at that,
a whole beach

full of research assistants.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

-Ten-hut!

-How far is it down
to Crenshaw?

-Well, according
to Deputy Williams,

it's about 2 miles downriver.

-Tanya, we should've brought
our swimsuits

so we could stay for awhile

instead of going off
on this stupid safari.

-She envies my smoked
aviator glasses.

-I hear the boat coming.
Let's go.

-It's really huge below decks.

-Now this is the boat
they should've taken over

that mountain in "Fitzcarraldo."-Mm-hmm.

-You wouldn't know a fella bythe name of Crenshaw, would you?

-Everybody up and down
this river knows Crenshaw.

-How far downriver is it
to his place?

-Oh, by crow flies or by boat?
-By boat.

-Well, I'd say, about 3 miles,
first cabin on the right.

-Thank you very much.

Let's load up.

-The first motor.
-[Chuckles]

-Hey, Mark Knopfler is hot!

-I'm going to enjoy
the serenity of nature!

[Laughs]

[Jet Ski engine running]

-Want to go buzz
the children's beach?

-This is great!

I'm polluting the water
andI'm making noise!

-Is this a Bond film
all of a sudden?

-Want to help us oppose
Jet Ski regulation?

-It's fun that there are man.

-He's gonna hit
a tree now.

Too bad.
-Yeah, shame.

-[Gasps]

-Go, Boggy!
-Go, Boggy!

-Get him! Get him!

♪♪

-Aaah!
-Oh, that's a damn shame, huh?

Maybe it'll circle back
and chop him up now.

-Okay, let's see
who rides who now.

-They're gonna start
finding headless dead

Jet Skiers all over
the county highway.

-Go back and get help, boy.
-[Groaning]

-Yeah, take away your Jet Ski.

Let's see how you
like the water now.

-[Gasps]

-Ugh!
Oh, well, uh, given

Jet Ski odds, he's only got
a couple of weeks left anyway.

-Yeah.

[Jet Ski engine running]

♪♪

-♪ It was the third
of December ♪

♪ Wakka, wakka, wakka

-The Tiny Muddy.

-[Southern accent]
These river bottoms

are truly a sight to behold.
-Whoa!

-As we traveled the river
that day, it made me feel good.

Here the air is clean,
reminding me that much

of this country is still,
and should remain, unspoiled.

-[Southern accent] As blue smokepoured from my motor.

-With all the wildlife,
moving water and vegetation,

I was beginning to understand
how easy it is

for this creature
to survive and hide from man.

I'm convinced, now, that he is
more manlike than I thought.

-[Yawns]
-In every reported sighting,

he's always been seen

in an upright position
on his back two legs.

Bears, gorillas, orangutans
and such other animals

can walk about on two legs but,
under stress or strain,

will go down on
all fours to run.

-When I'm stressed out,
I'll go down on all fours

and run, too!
-Crenshaw's!

-Be careful, he could be
practicing his short game.

-[Humming]

-I'm gonna take a break
from my narration here,

but I will be available
for questions.

-♪ On the wings of a dove

-♪ Wings of a dove

♪♪

-I put Tim in front to absorb
the first hail of bullets.

-[Bleating] Mom!

-Yes, these river
bottoms are --

-Is anybody home?

-Knock on the door, Tim.
Let's see if anybody answers.

-Oh, is that what I should do?
How novel.

[Knocking]

-Tim pulls reconnaissance.

[Goat bleats]

-Dictator for life,
Charles B. Pierce.

-I don't think anybody's home.

-Yes, these river bottoms,
mm-hmm...

-Okay.
-[Sighs]

I don't like this at all.

-Oh, that's a change.
-That could be a mad goat!

-Yes, I'm mad, mad!
-Hey!

-Wow.
-Whoa!

-What are y'all doing here?
-It's the Berserker residence.

-You lookin' for something
to steal?

-Nope, not exactly.

-I saw your place
from the river,

thought we'd stop for a minute.

-Well, boy,
if everybody stopped here

that saw my place on the river,

all I'd be doin'
is entertaining.

-Ran into Trooper Williams
in town the other day,

and he suggested we stop down
and see ya.

-He said nothin' about
your marvelous breasts.

-Williams, how's he doin'?
-He's doin' fine.

-Doc, I think we'd better
head back home.

-Is this the one they call Tim?

-Come on down here, sonny,
and sit down.

My bark's a whole lot worse
than my bite.

Y'all have a seat.

-Doc, why don't you
take the skin chair?

-How are you, young ladies?

-My name is Brian Lockhart,
Dr. Lockhart.

-How you doin', cousin?

-Fine.
There's Tanya, Leslie and Tim.

-Hi, girl.
-Hey!

[Goat bleats]

-Randy Johnson's dad.
-You want some, gal?

-Give me some.

-Thatagirl.
-Oh, God, she thinks it's chew!

-Tsk, tsk.

-You married, ma'am?

-Me, I'm married to my work.

-That sure is
a man's kind of woman.

-Uh, Mr. Crenshaw?
-I'm planning an abduction.

-You been livin' down here
long?

-I sure have.

I buried my truck back over herein '46, and there ain't been

no way in here
except the river since then.

-Yeah, me, too.

-We're from the university,
and we're studying man.

-Well, boy, if you come down
here and study me,

you better be prepared
to stay for a while.

-Huh?
-No, sir, but I would like

to ask you
some questions, if I could.

-Uh-huh.

-Uh, let me just
show you one cheek.

-You ain't with the revenue
boys, are you, son?

-Uh, no, but I was
a Beastie Boy.

-'Cause if you are,
I'll throw down on you

before nine gars
can gut a minnow.

-Hmm.

Why nine gars?
-Nope.

Like I said, we're from
the university,

studying the Boggy
Creek Creature.

-Why does my head hurt?
-The Boggy Creek Creature, huh?

-Uh-haw-haw.

-Well, I've known
that all my life.

He's right back over,
out in them woods.

-Hmm?
-You ever seen him?

-Yeah, I seen him all the time.

He, uh, he's yelling and bawlingand carrying on.

-Are you serious?
-Yeah, I'm serious!

They woke me up around here
one morning a-bangin'

and a-beatin' on the tubs.

A man can't get a bit of sleep
around here for it.

-I think he's getting
the creature mixed up

with the Allman Brothers.

-What'd the little
one look like?

-Well, little one ended up
with my features.

-Well, cousin, the little'un
looks just like the big'un.

-Man, that stain.
-Yeah, I guess.

-Here, girl.
You want some of this?

-No, it's a naturally-occurring
cheese from his body!

-What's the matter with you,
girl?

Are you sick?
-I am.

-Oh.
I love a woman who vomits.

-That sure a man's
kind of woman.

-I'm gonna go check
on Tanya.

-Well, hell,
there's another one.

[Thunder crashes]

-Looks like there's a storm
comin' up...

-What do you think, Tim?
-...and a bad'un, too.

-I think we'd better head
back downriver.

-Tim, you want to...
-Put your shirt on, there.

-...get the girls?

It'll be dark here
in a little bit.

-Oh, you don't get on
that river with a storm

coming up like this.

That water draws lightning.

-Why don't I just go ahead
and kill you?

-Well, I got to go tend
to my fires.

-Wow.

Just spreadin' my filth.
-Burying land?

-Nope.
-Get a storm in these trees?

-Hmm, tooth.
-Nope.

-None of my business, is it?
-Nope.

You can wait in the house
with the girls, if you want to.

-Grab yourself a broccoli
rubber band for your head.

[Door creaks]

-Oh, my God!
Look at the bodies!

Oh! [Gags]

-I am the NRA.

-Ew, I sat on a dead pig!
-Doc, come here.

-What's he doing?
-Never dig too deep

into what this guy is doing.

-Mnh-mnh.
-What'd you find out?

-Nothing yet,
except he's up to no good.

-So we're gonna have
to spend the night here?

-The way this storm is,
and it's getting worse,

we'll be here for the night.
-Doc, here he comes.

-Okay, get over here
and sit down, quick.

Come on!
Now be quiet, okay?

-If they're not acting casual,
I'll have to kill 'em.

[Thunder rumbles]

-Well, we got company, suppose
I should prop up the outhouse.

-Oh, dear.
I'm immodest, tee-hee.

♪♪

-Uh-oh, I let one,
and they know it.

I could just die.

-You say you're a doctor, boy?
-That's right.

-Then you must be pretty good
at patchin' up folks

that's all busted.
-Not that kind of doctor.

Who's hurt?

-I thought all you doctors wasgood at doctoring on sick folks.

-He's got me.

-Let me tell you
something, cousin...

-The chunky Rembrandt.

-...me and you has got
to have a talk...

-About how to get rid
of unwanted body hair.

-...and all nice and private.

-Their eyes lock.
-I think we're overdue.

-You come on with me.
-♪ La, da

♪ Da da, da, da da, da

♪♪

-Ew.
-Come on over here, boy.

Hunker down.
I want to show you something.

-Ew, never hunker down
within 10 yards of this guy.

♪♪

-That shocks my faux
military wear!

-Well, it's way
cleaner than you.

-Okay, look, my dad will come upwith the ransom.

He's a wealthy gorilla!

-Oh, you dressed him
in little one-strap overalls.

-My God, man.
-You kidnapped Gene Shalit!

-How long have you had this?

-I caught him a few days ago
in my trap.

What do you think about him?
-I think you're crazy.

That's what I think.
-Kind of a fun crazy, though.

-This thing's almost dead.
It's weak.

-You've been feeding it
what you eat!

-That's what I got
you here for, boy!

I want you to patch him up.
-We'll need clean towels!

Never mind.

-Let me tell you
something, old man.

-Old?
I was carded yesterday.

-That's why that thing's been
going crazy lately,

jumping on people, been around
our camp, followed the girls.

-Say!
-He's after this little one.

That's why you're building
these fires around this camp,

isn't it, because it's afraid
of the fire, isn't it?

-You finally smartening up,
cousin.

-Mm.
-You figured it out.

-We got to get this
to a doctor.

-Uh, hopefully not
an Arkansas doctor.

-Ah, Crenshaw,
you fascinate me.

[Thunder crashes]

[Door creaks]

-Well, there isstuff living
in his bathroom.

-Doc, what is it?
-Hang on.

I'm gonna belch the alphabet,
here.

[Door opens]

-Whew! Well, I finally got
that gorilla down.

-Lord, have mercy.
I got to get to my fires!

[Door opens]

-Doc, what happened in there?

-I made a pass
at Crenshaw, okay?

-I saw it.
-You saw what?

-I saw the little creature.

-Ah!
-No!

-Wait a minute!
-Aah!

[Thunder crashes]

-Oh, I singed my pit hair.

-Boy, Thor has really
hit the skids.

-I don't want to see it.

-No woman should have to see
the little creature.

-You stay here, Leslie.
Watch that old man out here.

You guys come with me.

-Don't try to sneak in
any dialogue here, please.

♪♪

-Hmm, must be burning his bra.

Way to go.

-Now Crenshaw jumps in and justtries to burn off all his ticks.

-You know, with the effort
it takes to balance it

on your shoulder, would
you just put your shirt on?

-For crying out loud.

Legendary creatures
get all the chicks.

-[Growls]

-He ain't gonna make itif we don't get him to a doctor.

-I'm an expert
in undiscovered monkeys.

-Storm or no storm,
we have to get him out of here.

[Thunder crashing]
-Help!

-[Whimpers]

-Oh, no, my perm
is highly flammable!

[Thunder rumbling]

-What, there's another weird
guy over there with a fire?

-I like this weird guy better.

♪♪

-Aah!

-There's a skid mark
on the ceiling!

Ah!
-Aaah!

Aah, God!

The creature -- The creature...

-Quiet, quiet.

Did you hear it?
-Yeah, I heard it.

-Well, stop hearing stuff.
-[Growling]

-Mm-hmm.

-Kent Hrbek, 3 months
after retirement.

-[Growling]

-Now just wait a minute.
He's on the porch.

Be quiet.
-Aaah!

-Good job.
-Aah!

-Stay in the house.

Hold it, man!
-Spread 'em!

Oh, no, don't do that.
-Rain marked the fires outs.

He's comin' in here on us.

-Put your shells back
in your pocket!

-You better let me
kill him now.

-You're not gonna fire
the gun, man.

I mean it!
Hold it!

Don't cross me this time,
old man.

In the house, right now!

-Don't make me sic Tim on you!

-Get in there!

-Okay, rain,
everybody is happy.

-Tim, check his gun.

-Off-campus research at
the University of Arkansas.

-Give me the gun.

-You don't know
what you're doin', boy.

-Don't let me tell you
again, old man.

Give me the gun!

-Crenshaw's using his bathroom
rug as an air freshener.

-Neat.

-Yeah, yeah, that chair.

Get real comfortable, okay?

-You asked for it. [Grunts]

-Stay right there, old man.
-Hey, look, I'm 28.

-Tim, hold this gun.

-It's heavy.

-Take this.
-No.

-You know how to use it.
-I want to go.

-You stay here, old man.
Watch him close.

[Thunder rumbles]

-Hello, Tim.
-Come on, boy.

Give me that gun.

Don't be as stupid as that doc.

-No way.
-Ah, "No way,"

Tim's instant catchphrase.

-[Growls]
-Snap into a Slim Jim!

-[Screams]

-Oh, it's just Ron Perlman.
-[Screams]

-Oh, man, I killed
this little creature --

Oh, hi!

-[Growls]
-Hold it.

-Congratulations, Mrs. Creek.
It's a boy.

-No one's gonna hurt you.

Not anymore.

-Hm?

-I know you don't understand,

but I want to give you
what you came for.

-Boggy Arnold Creature,
where have you been?

-Did you give him
his allergy medication?

-Do you have his teddy
human also?

-[Growls]

-By the way,
it really stinks in here.

-Aah!

♪♪

-Give me that gun, boy.

-Tim comes through
in the clutch.

♪♪

-No! No!

-Get away from me, girl!

Get away.
-Hold it!

-Got a plug of Red Man
for you, here.

-Well, give me them
shells, boy!

-Sorry, great-grandfather.

-Well, I got stuff in
my pockets, too!

-A-ha!
I'm insufferable.

-Okay, um, now what?

-Hm.

-Yeah, you want to live upriver
of Crenshaw, believe me.

-Mm-hmm.

-Tim found a hollow spot
in the tree and slept there.

-Sunday "Times" ever show up?

-I, uh, I rolled over
on your rat last night.

I'm sorry.

[Birds chirping]

-Tim was playing with these.

You should really lock these up.

-Within 45 seconds,
he kills everyone.

-Yep.
-Well, boy...

-Or old man, whatever.
-...you right about one thing.

-That was an unnatural
swelling.

-How is that?

-That thing ought
to be left alone...

-I won't touch it anymore.
-Mnh-mnh.

-...to remain free
and live in the wild.

-God bless you, half man,
half pig.

-Crenshaw was not telling me
anything new.

For the last few days, I knew
this was the way it had to be.

Looks like I'm gonna fall
into the same category

as other people have done in
this area for years and years.

-Ken Starr witness.

-I just felt,
for some special reason,

what I saw and what I now know,
I wanted to keep to myself.

It wasn't really a matter

of whether anyone
would believe me or not.

-Sure.
-I guess you could say

it was a matter
of keeping him a mystery.

-Right.
-Because this is

where he belongs.

It's like the old gentleman
in the store said to me.

"Boy, there ain't no monsters
around here,"

and you know something?

They were right.

He's a part of nature,
living in harmony

in one of America's
last great wildernesses.

-Crenshaw?
-That is why

this legend will continue,

for I feel God
intended it that way.

-So the once great Monster
Studies Department went under.

Tanya and Leslie brought me up
on charges, of course.

Tim just wandered off, and
we haven't seen him in years.

-And then by -- and then --
and then, you know what?

You know what? Then this hairy
guy put me in a room,

and he gave me bacon to eat
'cause that's all he had,

and then -- and then --
and then --

-Look, I know, I know.
I'm sorry, son.

-And -- And -- And -- And --
And -- And then --

And then, I-I-I-I
just had to sleep on hay,

a-and the hay
got all messed up in my --

my hair,
and then the big guy smelled.

-And then -- And then, a bunch
of other people came in,

and they were nice,
except for one of them wasn't,

and there was this real
skinny kid with no shirt,

and then -- and then,
this girl screamed a lot.

-I know, I know. I know.

-Hey, hey!

"Mad Dog provided by"...

Mike, you told me there was no
place we could get a mad dog!

-[Humming]
-Gosh.

-♪ A song from above

-♪ On the wings of a dove

-♪ Wings of a dove

-And then, you know what else?

Um, there was a big, um --

um, a big blue reindeer,
and he was nice to me,

and he gave me
all the presents in the world!

-Really, Bobby?
-Yeah.

His name was Snowhead,
and he lived in a big house

with a million other reindeer
where they ate cookies.

-Uh-huh.
What kind of cookies, honey?

-Chocolate.
-Uh-huh.

Yeah, every movie form the Southis gonna thank

a trailer service
at some point.

-♪ From above

♪ On the wings of a dove

-♪ Wings of a dove

-Good night, Tim,
wherever you are.

[Doors slam]

[Door whirs]

[Doors slam and creak]

-Yeah, Lord, have mercy.

I got to tend to my fires.

[Hums]

Oh, hey, cousin!
-Hi, Crow.

Uh, hey, permit me to ask
what may be a stupid question.

-You go right ahead, boy.

-Uh, why are you yet again
setting fire to the bridge?

-Oh, you finally caught on,
old man.

I gots me a baby critter,
and I'm trying to keep

his big ol' mama critter away
so you can patch him up.

-Ah.
You gots you a baby what?

-Hey, I'm getting bored
of lying

in the straw in there, Crow.

I don't want to play Captive
Baby Boggy Creek Creature

and Big Smelly Mountain
Man anymore.

-Yeah.
I'm kind of tired of it, too.

-Yeah.
-Hey, let's go play

Wounded Baby Unicorn

and Skinny Sociopathic Janitor!

-Hooray! Whoo-hoo!
-Yay!

-♪ La de da de da da
-Hey, guys.

Can you put out the fire
first before you, uh, get to --

Oh, Pearl's calling. Could --
it's really rather big.

Could you --

Guys,
I need a hand.

-Hello, Nel Slab, and welcometo our Legend of Forrester Swamp

tourist gift shop.

[Bell dings]
Oh, our first customer!

-Hello, and welcome
to Everything's Legend

of Forrester Swamp.

How may I help you,
young moppet?

-My mama thinks she saw him in
the swamp once, Mr. White Guy.

I saved up sos I can get her
somethin' for her birthday

to remember that.
-Uh, Brain Guy,

go do the shelving
in the stock room.

-But I need the commission.
-Scram!

Well, uh, small person,
did you know that scientists

calculate the creature's
believability rating

as quite high?
-Wow!

-Yes, but sadly no one has ever
had a face-to-face encounter

with one of these
mythological...beasts.

-Law Giver, can I get
out of my room?

It's boring being a legend.

-Hey, he's just
a talking gorilla.

-No, he's --
-What's the big deal

about a talking gorilla?
-He's not really --

-You're a bad lady.
-No!

-You tried to trick my mommy.
-No. Oh!

-And you're a stupid legend.

-Oh, yeah?
Well, so are you, kid!

[Laughs] Really zinged it
to that little brat, huh?

Hey, hey!

Funny seeing you in pain
for a change, Law Giver.

I tell you.
Nothing hurts quite like

getting kicked in
the ankle, does it?

Oh!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I saw the little creature.

-No, no!
-Wait a minute!