Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 11, Episode 5 - Blood Waters of Dr. Z - full transcript

♫ In the not too distant future,

♫ somewhere in time and space,

♫ Mike Nelson and his robot pals

♫ are caught in a nasty place.

♫ They try to survive the wrath of Pearl,

♫ just an evil gal who
wants to rule the world.

♫ From her castle below,
she sets her sights above

♫ just to torture all her
captives on a satellite of love. ♫

- [Mike] Let me down!

♫ I'll send them cheesy
movies, the worst I can find.

♫ La, la, la.

♫ They'll have to sit and watch them all,

♫ and I'll monitor his mind.

♫ La, la, la.

♫ Now keep in mind Mike can't control

♫ where the movies begin or end.

♫ He'll try to keep his sanity

♫ with the help of his robot friends.

♫ Robot roll call.

♫ Gambot ♫

- You're on.

♫ Gypsy ♫

- Oh, my stars!

♫ Tom Servo ♫

- Check me out.

♫ Crow! ♫

- I'm different.

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ and other science facts la, la, la,

♫ Just repeat to yourself,
it's just a show,

♫ I should really just relax.

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000. ♫

(doors shutting)

- Hi Crow T. Robot here
on the Satellite of Love

enjoying the great taste and satisfaction

only smokeless tobacco can bring.

(spits)

Just gotta work on my aim a little.

(spits)

Damn.

- Hey Crow, what's up.

- Flavor, Mike.

Have a dip.

Try the Kodiak Polar Ice Melts menthol.

(spits)

Damn.

- Crow, this is disgusting.

Look at this tobacco juice everywhere.

- Well, you're just jealous 'cause

I can enjoy full flavor wherever I go.

Say, you need me to (mumbles)

or bring down a mule deer?

- Ah, no.

Which pop can is mine?

- Ah, hell, I don't know.

Just jiggle them all.

There's a lot of satisfaction
in those cans, Mike.

- You know, I think I'll just pass.

Thanks.

- Whoa, I got a big load here.

Hang on.

(spits)

Whoa, right down into your shoe, Mike.

- We'll be right back.

- Oh relax, Mike.

You just gotta learn to cope.

(spits)

Bingo!

(theme music)

There, Mike.

I clearly labeled them.

Now you don't have to worry about

accidentally drinking my spittle.

- Man, have you guys tried this

Crow's tobacco juice brand pop?

It's not that good.

- I'm gonna let Pearl
talk while I go vomit.

- Okay, all right.

- You know, the good
stuff's on the bottom.

- Oh, really?

- Okay, Pearl.

That's it, that's it.

You've got the power.

Okay, dig now.

Find it, find it.

(beeping)

- Okay, homeslice.

Time for me to inflict some really, really

cruel experiment on you and time

for you to be a hapless,
irredeemable moron.

- Well, okay...hey!

- This week, a variant
on Dr. Harry Harlow's

famous maternal love
deprivation experiments

on monkeys, only I don't use monkeys.

I use you poor saps.

And I begin withholding love now!

How do you like them apples?

- Hmm, no, it's status quo up here, Pearl.

- Yup.

- Sorry.

- Pearl, I'm afraid the
efficacy of the experiment

depends on you first administering love

and then later withholding it.

- Oh.

So all's I gotta do is
show them love first, huh?

Okay, love, love, love.

Is that where you find the
least common denominator

and then add the numerators?

- No, that would be adding
fractions, I'm afraid.

- Is it where you melt the butter and stir

in the flour and the salt and the eggs

one at a time in the
saucepan until it's ready -

- No, no, that's your
recipe for puff pastry.

- Oh, I know what love is.

I saved some stuff.

- Coming up.

- This, to me, represents love.

Send it up, green face.

- Love.

- Huh?

- Huh.

- So, this is Pearl's love?

Staple remover.

- A pawn shop receipt
for a 10-gauge shotgun.

- A bottle of Fleischmann's
lemon flavored gin.

- 12 hotpads.

- And an alternator.

Wow, Pearl really does love us.

- No, love!

Love is gone.

So lost.

Feeling panicky.

No sense of self.

Developing stress disorder and

inability to work with others.

- Pearl, please stop torturing Crow.

Give us your love back, please.

- Where is love?

- Oh, all right.

Here's all my love back.

Just take it.

I don't even care.

- And while you're at it, take a hug

from the warm and nurturing film

the Blood Waters of Dr. Z.

- Love, love.

- There you go.

There you go, kid.

- Love, sweet hotpad love.

- There you go.

- She does love me.

- Movie's starting!

- Take my love.

(doors opening)

- [Mike] See, this is why I hate cats.

Look at this.

- [Tom] Blood Waters, huh?

Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem.

- [Crow] Theme music?

Anything you wanna throw in at this point?

- [Tom] Guess not.

- [Mike] Thank you, that was brilliant.

- [Tom] I gotta go on a diet.

I can't put it off any longer.

- [Voiceover] Sargassum,
the weed of deceit.

- [Crow] That's what I smoke.

- [Voiceover] Sargassum fish.

- [Mike] Sarcasm fish?

- [Voiceover] Mighty hunter of the deep.

- [Tom] Oh, I'm such a great fish.

- [Voiceover] What an inspiration
you have been in my plot.

- [Tom] Oh thank you.

If I get to sit here and suck water

without you interrupting me.

- [Voiceover] Your life of hiding,

waiting, stalking your prey.

- [Crow] Ew, Michael Jackson skin.

- [Mike] Please enjoy a fish anus.

- [Tom] Glaucoma and you.

- [Voiceover] At just
the right moment, attack!

- [Crow] I was gonna do that
anyway, I don't need coaching.

- [Tom] Now, digest.

- [Voiceover] I love you.

- [Tom] And I love you, but not that way.

- [Voiceover] I hope
I'll be a good imitator.

- [Crow] I hate it when a
fish goes down the wrong pipe.

- [Mike] Well, that's the last of my kids.

- [Voiceover] And my friend the shark.

Cunning, swift.

Wretched humans.

They're afraid of you.

I admire you.

Soon, I'll swim with you.

They'll be afraid.

- [Tom] Well, that's
one I tell for myself.

- [Voiceover] Oh, mighty scorpion,

dangerous beast of the ocean.

With your powerful daggers
and your camouflage.

You have little to fear from other fish.

- [Crow] Yeah, you're kinda
blowing my cover right now.

- [Tom] What?

- [Voiceover] They think I'm insane.

They're the ones who are insane.

Oh, my friends of the deep.

- [Crow] Just tap some
fish flakes in and leave.

- [Voiceover] This day, this very day,

I'll become one of you.

- [Crow] Yeah, we're really
excited about it down here.

- [Mike] No one will hug me.

- [Voiceover] My family.

- [Tom] And you, balding, comb-over fish.

- [Voiceover] And together,
we'll conquer the universe.

- [Crow] Or my one-room basement

apartment I share with Mother.

- [Mike] But first, a
folk song by Phil Ochs.

- [Crow] It's got playful
teen beach movie font.

(movie theme)

- [Tom] ♫ Oh Dr. Z, won't you love me. ♫

(movie theme)

- [Mike] Sounds like the Indigo Boys.

(movie theme)

- [Crow] Well, I guess I better get

back to world domination.

(movie theme)

- [Tom] He doesn't
inspire this kinda music.

(movie theme)

- [Mike] Where the hell is my house?

(movie theme)

- [Crow] This is the leakiest damn pool.

(movie theme)

- [Tom] Now that was fun.

(movie theme)

- [Mike] I should rotate
my bodies, I guess.

(movie theme)

♫ Give us a break ♫

- [Crow] Give us a break.

- [Tom] This is obviously Switzerland.

- [Mike] My sustacal has made me

the dynamo that I am today.

♫ Sashay, sashay through the sargassum ♫

- [Crow] Oh, I'm really gonna
sashay through the sargassum.

♫ Stalking through the sargassum

♫ Plan revenge on your friends ♫

- [Mike] I would never do that.

♫ Plan revenge on your friends ♫

- [Crow] Oh, go on with you.

- [Tom] Planning revenge on my friends.

- [Mike] He's got an egg-shaped head.

- [Crow] That song put
the boogie in my feet.

- [Mike] He's got the
Gwyneth Paltrow haircut.

- [Tom] Should I perform
horrible experiments

or count my used tissues?

- [Voiceover] The formula
they all laughed at.

Z sub A and A sub T.

My little gem.

Zat!

Very powerful.

There have fish the size
they've never seen before.

Walking fish.

- [Crow] He's making spray ketchup.

- [Voiceover] Who like human flesh.

- [Mike] Oh I'll just
have some vegetables.

- [Tom] My walk-in toilet
is working out well.

- [Crow] I'm planning
revenge on my friends!

- [Voiceover] Clarius
batrachus, the walking catfish.

Clarius has been equipped by nature

to swim in water or walk on land.

Clarius reproduced very rapidly

and spawned through much of the year.

- [Tom] Hey, who doesn't.

- [Voiceover] Clarius
is viciously aggressive

and it's continued spread poses

a threat to the freshwater
ecology of a wide area.

- [Mike] And they're great for the grill.

- [Voiceover] Forward
progress is made with a

snakelike slither and a
vigorous thrashing of the tail.

- [Crow] Like Courtney Love.

- [Voiceover] Whisker-like
barbells equipped

with tastebuds, rush along
the bottom in search of food.

The largest clarius so far collected

in Florida is 18 inches.

- [Tom] All stuff not to
say on your first date.

- [Mike] This guy peeped in the womb.

- [Voiceover] We're going to
do something about your size.

You can't battle people
being just two feet long.

- [Crow] Unless you're Doug Flutie.

- [Voiceover] You must be tired.

So am I.

It's been a long 20 years.

- [Tom] Hell, it's been a long 20 minutes.

- [Voiceover] But today, a
new life will start for me.

Oh, but you know that.

- [Mike] We do?

(theme music)

Wow, the darts for that
thing must be huge.

- [Crow] It's his what
shirt should I wear wheel.

- [Tom] So, all roads lead to Wally Cox.

- [Mike] Well, this
monkfish is off the roster.

He won't be able to pitch for a month.

- [Crow] The B.O. suite for bassoon.

- [Voiceover] It won't be long now.

Very soon, the whole world will

know about us and respect us.

- [Tom] Or they might
not, it's hard to say.

- [Crow] I need another bowl of Zoloft.

- [Tom] This is what pay-per-view
headquarters looks like.

- [Mike] Well, if you're
gonna live in a basement,

you might as well have all
the bells and whistles.

- [Crow] I should get
to canning those beets.

- [Tom] I need to simplify
my masturbation ritual.

- [Mike] Oh, look up there.

He's filed all his letters
to Gillian Anderson.

- [Crow] He's learned to
modulate his flatulence.

- [Tom] Well, let's see what's
on the Syfy channel tonight.

- [Mike] Oh yeah, that was a good sample.

Some of my best work.

- [Crow] Well, I better change.

William and Pat Buckley
are coming over tonight.

- [Tom] Yuck, he's got
Leonardo DiCaprio physique.

- [Mike] Must have bought the
James Stewart workout tape.

- [Crow] Oh no, where does that go?

- [Tom] Iggy Pop's brother, Steve Pop.

- [Mike] It's from the Sid Vicious

signature series of needles.

- [Crow] Zip, whirp, zip it.

- [Tom] Now, I'm going to fall in

love with Winona Ryder, trash a hotel,

maybe take a gun on a plane.

- [Mike] Ah, we're on the air in here.

- [Crow] Wish I'd noticed this

thing before I bought the house.

- [Tom] Mark McGwire before creatine.

- [Mike] I hate to call those things

love handles, but, there they are.

- [Crow] He's been
sculpted out of belly skin.

- [Mike] Playing the calliope.

- [Tom] I think this is the new iMac.

- [Mike] No, not here.

- [Crow] No!

I'd rather see Sammo
Hung wearing a speedo.

- [Tom] Look away.

Oh man, he should go to an
underwear fitting clinic.

- [Mike] Oh c'mon, long tubes, fluids,

men in their underwear, what's next?

- [Crow] He's gonna try
to win Ben Stein's money.

- [Tom] I've got the Crabtree and

Evelyn bath beads and I'm ready to soak.

- [Mike] Let's see, I
think I've got everything.

Oh, wait, nipple clamps, that's it.

- [Crow] Looks like the Guinness

record book people
aren't going to show up.

- [Mike] This is why I got
kicked of the swim team.

Everything was such a big damn deal.

- [Tom] Now performing
high above the bathtub.

- [Crow] And self-baptism
sweeps the nation.

- [Tom] Gross, matted hair.

- [Crow] Not much to adjust, but

still it needs to be adjusted.

- [Tom] Rampart, ramparts.

- [Crow] George, are you playing
emergency in the bathroom?

- [Tom] No Mother.

- [Mike] Oh cold, oh, cold, cold, cold.

- [Crow] At least he's
finally washing his shorts.

- [Mike] Why, it's blackberry.

- [Tom] Oh, he's in here.

- [Crow] Underwater
photography by Zapruder.

- [Tom] I thought watching an aquarium

was supposed to be relaxing.

- [Mike] Okay, so he's a dumpy seahorse.

- [Tom] Oh rats, I
wanted to be a princess.

- [Crow] Wow, they do have hard water.

- [Mike] He lost his boxer shorts.

- [Voiceover] Nothing
at all like the catfish.

- [Tom] I look a little like Jenna Elfman.

- [Voiceover] But it's beautiful.

- [Mike] Yeah, that's great.

Hey, well, it's Grandma.

Hi, Grandma.

- [Tom] Now, I'm going
to Armor All my skin.

- [Voiceover] And now,
another big challenge for you.

- [Crow] Getting a cab
while wearing this thing.

- [Mike] Kinda weird when your

monster has to use a hand rail.

- [Tom] Now to get a bottle of

Bordeaux and seduce a mollusk.

- [Crow] Whoopsie.

- [Mike] I think the world
can handle this invasion.

- [Tom] I don't want none
unless I've got buns, hun.

- [Mike] Snake, the Don, Prudhomme.

- [Crow] I'm walkin',
yes indeed, I'm walkin'.

- [Mike] Anyway, that big challenge,

we'll be gettin' to that.

- [Tom] I forgot my noseplug, and

my water wings, and my noodle.

- [Crow] He's just doing this to

avoid getting a fishing license.

- [Mike] I just realized, they have

to go to the bottom and suck mud.

- [Tom] I'm going to swim the Mississippi

to draw attention to catfish-ism.

- [Crow] Please, I hardly know you.

- [Mike] Ah, I'm really stuffed up, ah.

- [Tom] Ah, yes, the good ol'
days before sewage treatment.

- [Crow] Run away, octopus.

- [Mike] Polishing the sea, hm.

There's a sushi chef after me, help!

- [Crow] I'm sorry, I
really stunk up the ocean.

- [Mike] I still get crappy reception.

- [Tom] I think he's the
janitor at Sea World.

(doors closing)

- [Crow] Saddle soap.

Cleaning compound of deceit.

Shoe polishing human.

Soon you will pay!

A life of cleaning, scrubbing,
polishing your shoe.

At just the right moment, attack!

- Can I help you, Crow?

- [Crow] Heh, heh, heh.

How I loathe you.

- That's nice.

- [Crow] Ha, ha, ha.

They think I'm insane.

They're the ones who are insane.

Soon there will be shoes the
size they've never seen before!

Who like human flesh!

And then at just the right moment, attack!

- Crow, come on down from there.

- [Crow] Sargassum.

- Would you just come down?

- [Crow] Oh, I'll come
down, you skulking bi-ped.

But I am, ah, seem to have gotten

wedged in the bulkhead here.

But, no matter, soon it will be you

who becomes wedged in
the bulkhead of my plan.

If you could just give me a hand here.

- Oh, yeah, sure, hang on.

Let me see if I can.

- [Crow] Ah, yes, my friend the squeegee.

I love you.

Now if you could just
pry me out of here, Mike.

- Wow.

- [Crow] Yes, now I am in many pieces,

but soon those pieces will grow and grow.

- We'll be right back.

- [Crow] It is I who will be

right back to rule the universe.

Ow.

Ow.

(theme music)

- [Mike] This is all inclusive, huh?

- [Tom] I'm gonna kill Marlon Brando.

- Biggest bunch of
foolishness I've ever seen.

We had walking catfish
around here a long time.

- [Crow] Hey, you got something
caught in your teeth there.

- Well, you're the one
who reported it, Sheriff.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

Folks been bugging the hell outta me.

But, I don't wanna make no
fiddle case outta this thing.

- Not federal, just state, remember.

- Yeah.

The state of Florida against
a little walking catfish.

Some case.

- Just doing my job, Sheriff.

- [Tom] Avoiding your drinking fountains.

- [Mike] Bob, look.

- [Crow] Joe Don Baker and Bosquiat

just hanging out together.

- [Tom] Hey, don't just leave
your crackers on the beach.

- [Mike] So, all this
because he lost his boat key.

- [Tom] Yeah, you're a fish.

- [Crow] Thanks for the nooner.

- [Tom] How do fish do it?

I'm so cold.

- [Mike] I gotta be honest.

Am I that much closer
to ruling the universe?

- [Crow] Ow, ow.

I'm pokin' myself with
all my little y bones.

- [Tom] Now, where did I leave that towel?

- [Mike] Mom likes to use the side door.

Don't get any scales in the house.

I know, Ma, I know, leave me alone.

- [Crow] So, I'm an amphibious warthog.

That's pretty close.

- [Tom] There, I've conquered Florida.

On to southern Illinois.

- [Voiceover] Matson,
your days are numbered.

- [Tom] You too, Richard Deacon.

- [Voiceover] Now listen to me, Leopold.

Your theory is too unrealistic.

I'll have to insist you cease
all further experiments.

- [Crow] Now pull your pants
up and get out of my office.

- [Tom] Fashions by Grinch of Whoville.

- [Mike] This would be a good place

for a standoff with the FBI.

- [Crow] You still in your jammies.

- [Tom] Jack Ruby at home.

- Don't you have anything better to do,

like playing checkers or
arresting bootleggers?

- Nope.

And I ain't going
nowhere near that office.

Too many folks bitchin'.

Fish walkin' through their yards

and goin' into their houses and garages.

But I told them you had
all the answers, boy.

- [Mike] Good thing my name is Edward Boy.

- Well, at least I'm trying.

- Yeah, well, I ain't seen that college

education o'yours do much good so far.

- Walking fish wasn't
part of the curriculum.

They didn't teach us how to
be kind to sheriffs either.

But I'm trying.

- You better be, boy.

- [Crow] ♫ I'm glad I'm not
in Dixie, hooray, hooray. ♫

- [Tom] He's gonna tattoo a fish.

- Blue, I thought you said
that was a freshwater spray.

- I did, why?

Somethin' the matter?

- There sure is.

There's an extremely high
content of radioactive material.

- Yeah, well, what's that mean?

- In your language -

- [Mike] Honkian.

- Pollution.

- [Tom] There's nothing
down here I want to eat.

How do you do this?

- [Crow] Purse your hood, that's right.

Throw your top back.

Good.

- [Mike] Solo synchronized swimming.

- [Tom] Ugh, slug bug.

- [Crow] I sense danger.

I better undress.

- [Mike] Man, this is so camp.

- [Tom] Oh great.

And I just got internal genitalia.

- [Crow] I'm gonna paint my beer koozie.

- [Mike] I can't believe she's

using acrylic for this landscape.

- [Tom] Once I get Herbie out
of the way, she'll be mine.

- [Crow] I hope I don't run
into that Baron barracuda.

He's mean.

- [Tom] These could
use a little lime away.

- [Mike] Can't get to the bottom.

I'm a catfish with too much body fat.

- [Crow] Silly string doesn't
work too well down here.

- [Tom] Hey, Louie, I
didn't mean anything by it.

- [Crow] You really gotta wonder

about nature sometimes, you guys.

I mean, do you guys even like nature?

- [Mike] UPS man lost some packages.

- [Tom] This is supposed to be where

they get the water for Dixie beer.

- [Crow] Look at me.

I'm Red October.

- [Mike] Listen to that.

This whole movie needs
a new exhaust system.

- [Crow] Damn, eluded me again.

- [Tom] I'm glad we went
here instead of Disney World.

- [Crew] Hey, it's Lou Reed, Rex Reed,

Jake Reed, Willis Reed.

- [Mike] Can you please
do that someplace else?

- [Crow] Sure, Reed.

- [Tom] Someone's playing manhole cover.

- [Crow] Dun, dun, dun, dun.

- [All] Charge!

- [Tom] Get the hook to Dr. Z.

- [Crow] The fun loving guys of

Potato Lake have kept us
amused the whole time.

(screams)

- [Mike] Why am I suddenly
hungry for a turtle?

- [Crow] Wait there, I'm
gonna get the camera.

- [Mike] And, go.

(scream)

(theme music)

- [Crow] Who's hungry?

- [Tom] He's trying to
teach his wife to cast.

- Damn, man, look at that.

What do you make of that?

- [Mike] You can make human love.

- This is a little
outta my line, you know.

But that looks like a claw mark.

- No, no, it couldn't be.

- [Crow] Okay, it's a hickey.

- How 'bout a fish bite?

- No, I don't think so.

Look at the size of these marks.

- Yeah, but we drug him outta the

middle of the lake, you know.

- [Tom] Are you gentlemen
here to buy something?

- Not sure.

Let me get a flash of it, then

I'll take a sampling of the tissues.

- [Mike] Oh you need a Kleenex?

Why don't you just ask.

- [Crow] Make him stop, Rob.

- [Voiceover] Ewing, enjoy
the Earth while you can.

- [Tom] It's the last call.

- [Voiceover] I can
authorize ya to purchase

another supply of mice and
rats, but a human guinea pig?

- [Mike] What's that all about?

- [Voiceover] That's a
request I must turn down.

- [Crow] Signed, Octopus.

- [Voiceover] You underestimated me.

25 long years of frustration and defeat.

- [Tom] He got held back a lot.

- [Voiceover] It was worth every minute.

Now, I know it will work.

- [Mike] Yes, put him in the
back of Mom's station wagon.

- Sheriff, (mumbles) says that

Mrs. Matson mentioned the word monster.

- The woman's in shock.

- Wait a minute sheriff,
I have another question.

- How would you count the
marks on the dead man's body?

- Hell, I'd say they were fish bites.

- [Crow] Fish bites, mother.

- Between this monster and the rash of

virus cases here in the hospital,

could the water supply be contaminated?

- Hell, man, I ain't no scientist.

It's probably a bug goin' around.

- [Mike] But what about my mauve pantsuit?

Shoulda tied something
to the net, I guess.

- [Voiceover] Nets are no longer for fish.

We may use them on you
humans, if any slide.

- [Tom] Nets are for, oh crap,
and I'm all tangled in it.

- [Crow] All right, this is the final net.

- [Tom] Look, I gotta finish this up,

and then I gotta go kill
Farley Granger's wife.

- [Mike] Whoa, I need Imodium, I tell you.

- [Crow] His hydraulics are stuck.

- [Tom] There's something
horribly wrong here.

She's not in her underwear.

- [Mike] He's lying in wait for pogo.

- [Crow] I think she's
about to smoke Newport.

Alive with pleasure.

- [Tom] Should I ask her
out, or should I attack?

(dog barking)

- [Tom] A couple more bags?

Yeah, okay.

How's that?

Okay, nice.

- [Crow] The swamp is
filled with cornflakes.

- [Tom] This is how all
my pictures turn out.

- [Mike] Buck Henry at home.

- [Crow] Make me laugh, my little Margie.

- [Mike] I'm gonna do
some indoor fishing today.

It's much safer.

- [Television] Dugan?

- [Television] That's right.

I suppose you know why I'm here.

- [Tom] Typical male, sittin' in

his chair, playin' with his rod.

- [Television] Before
I do the job, though,

I would like to put my mind at rest.

- [Mike] Man, I'm hooked on my own sock.

- [Television] Were you in
those woods this morning?

You'll kill me, they'll
never know, would ya?

- [Television] I guess I'll never know.

- [Crow] Dr. Walter, pointy sideburns.

- [Tom] The bait is irresistible.

They're coming right into the house.

- [Mike] The tension on this
reel seems a little high.

- [Tom] He should've set out a ball

of breading for him to step right into.

- [Mike] Remember when you
flushed me down the toilet?

Huh, you remember that?

- [Crow] The faces of the fish he's

wronged flash before his eyes.

- [Tom] Ironically, he just
placed an order to Cabella's.

- [Mike] Excuse me.

- Who?

- [Tom] No, hello.

- Yeah, send him in right away.

No, Shirley, I don't wanna
talk to any more of 'em.

Now you 'em to go home,
board up the place,

stay off the streets and off my property.

- [Crow] Hi, we're astronauts
from a different film.

- [Mike] Stafford hair.

- These are the two infant
agents that I told you about.

Martha Walsh, Walker Stevens.

- Did you take a look at those marks?

- Lou, they're identical to
the ones in the first victim.

- God.

- [Tom] That really hurt.

- Man, what are they?

- What do you think, Walker?

- On the surface, it looks like an animal.

Like, a cat, or an ape.

But this man was badly stung
or burned by some chemical.

- So?

- So, it could be from the fish family.

- [Mike] You know, the pagodas.

- Now look here, mister.

You're trying to tell me
that these walkin' fish

are strong enough now to kill somebody?

Because it you are, I'm taking

a long walk right through that door.

- Now, just hold on a minute, Lou.

Walker has to look at all possibilities.

Now, he's come up with an idea
I think makes a lot of sense.

- [Crow] Which is to get
out of this boring scene

and back to the hot woman with the bikini.

- [Tom] Man, I didn't know
bras were so much work.

- [Mike] I think that's Gunner Nelson.

- [Crow] I'm going to lay
down in the sun underwater.

- [Tom] I like this film now, of course.

- [Mike] Wonder how many
diseases I just got?

- [Crow] She is gonna get
fan mail from some flounder.

- [Mike] Is there any
reason for any of this?

- [Tom] Yes, yes, yes.
- [Crow] Yes, yes, yes.

- [Crow] It's Andy Warhol's Swimming.

- [Mike] There.

I think I'm ready to swim the channel.

- [Tom] Yes, world domination.

Got a little distracted there.

- [Crow] Wish he's go after
personal watercraft instead.

- [Mike] Marco, Polo!

- [Mike] Why don't you see that

I'm trying to tell you I love you.

- [Tom] He just testing for
his junior life taking badge.

- [Mike] He's a cop-a-feel-acanth.

- It's just a little bit
farther up the road, now.

- [Crow] Where's Ron,
the regular bus driver?

- [Tom] Now, you're sure we can
water ski behind this thing?

- [Mike] I never get a
gift basket like this.

- [Tom] Touching up your
roots is complicated.

- [Crow] Soundtrack by
the Alan Parson's project.

- [Tom] I hear they lost their funding.

- [Mike] Aw, that's too bad.

(theme music)

- Yup, nothin' like takin' the rest of

the day off to do a little fishing, huh?

- Yup, perfect day for
orbiting right above Bass Lake.

- Yeah.

- Yup, yup, yup.

Hey, anyone else up for another lens?

- Hey, good idea there,
Mike, using a hoola popper.

- Yes sir, look out sonnies.

- Hey, give me rocket
number nine, would ya?

- Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

- Good day for it.

- Yup.

Yup, yup, yup, yup.

- Oh, looks like you got
something there, buddy.

- Lose the drag there, Mike.

There ya go.

- There ya go.

Let it run out a little bit there.

Oh yeah, that's the way, that's the way.

- That's good.

That's good.

Let him tire himself out.

- Careful!

Don't let him go around the motor there.

Yup, looks like you almost
got him there, Mike.

- Anytime there, Nelson.

- He's a fighter.

- Any old time.

- It's a long way.

- Whoa, nelly.

What kind of lure are
we using there, Mike?

A grenade or?

- Well, sometimes when
you bring them through

high orbit, they'll freeze and go

through explosive decompression.

- That'll wreck your catch.

Better throw it back.

- Yeah.

- Yup.

- Let's give him a chance.

There ya go, buddy.

- Sure was a beaut, though.

Must have been 30, 60 pounds.

- Yup, woulda looked
good above the fireplace.

- Oh yeah.

- Wanna head over by Ron lake

and see what they're bitin' over there?

- Yeah.

Reel 'em up there fellers,
we got movie time here.

- Okay, real good then.

(doors opening)

- [Tom] Great, I have no thumb.

Now what do I do?

- Rex, secure that right there.

- Right.

- [Mike] I think they
misunderstand beach volleyball.

- Walker?

- [Tom] You walk her, I'm busy.

- (mumbles)

- What'd they say?

- They had several theories
on fish infections.

One is that the walking
catfish came over in ships.

(mumbles) from South
Africa, some 50 years ago.

The other, is that a radioactive material

from a nearby land may have

caused chemical reaction in the water.

- There's a strange
pollutant in these waters,

that's for sure because I found it.

- [Crow] Okay, I provided it.

- I suppose a mutating fish could

come over on a boat from Africa.

See if any further comments
on that large aspect.

- No, nothing.

- [Tom] Great, I just
ripped another jumpsuit.

- Why would he suddenly turn killer?

- [Mike] I'm gonna be swimming over you

in just a minute, just so you know.

- [Crow] Hey, you're lucky.

Most fish think you're ugly.

- [Tom] Great, what did I step in?

- [Crow] Am I missing something?

Is there fur on catfish?

- [Mike] Well, I got time for a fro-gurt.

- [Crow] Man, bad install
job on his stereo.

- [Tom] I'll set just the right mood here.

(scream)

- [Mike] Yeah, I know, I get that a lot.

- [Crow] He's injecting
her with Murphy's oil soap.

- [Mike] This is most people's
idea of going to the dentist.

- [Tom] The woman I tied to my cage?

She likes me.

Didn't blend her blush very well.

- [Mike] Okay, I got the girl, I got

the keg, oh, we need a bag of chips.

- [Tom] He's wearing a Betty Rubble skirt.

- [Crow] Okay, scootch over.

- [Mike] Pretty good with black

and tackle for a guy who only has fins.

- [Tom] People in the south
have some odd courting rituals.

- [Mike] I'll say.

(screaming)

- [Crow] I can't believe
he's gonna dump her.

- [Mike] Just like Bela Lugosi,

he's creating (mumbles).

- [Crow] Suddenly her Volkswagen crashes

through the wall, her dog at the wheel.

(bell ringing)

- [Tom] Okay, class.

Put your dissection trays
in your desk before you go.

- [Crow] He's just lightly poaching her.

- [Tom] Uh oh.

- [Mike] Um, don't call me.

- [Tom] Oh for the love
of, son of a, Jesus.

- [Crow] How do I turn
off that damned bell?

- [Mike] Yeah, sure.

Blame it on the pinball machine.

- [Tom] One little set
back and he falls apart.

- [Crow] A poor catfish blames his tools.

- [Mike] Daria looks
nice without her glasses.

- [Tom] I mean, Mike, you've
had victims die prematurely,

but you never behaved
petulantly like this.

- [Mike] Sure.

- I'm gonna go ahead and turn in, okay?

- I'm already turned in.

- I'm going to stay up a while,

keep an eye on the sector.

- [Tom] You women and
black guys need your sleep.

Us white guys are fine.

(beeping)

- That's what we've been waiting for.

- C'mon.

- [Crow] Follow my whiteness.

- [Mike] Someone got a Wagner soundtrack.

- [Tom] They filmed this
with a disposable camera.

- [Crow] Net lines can
get tangled too easily.

Your insurance needs
can get tangled up too,

unless you have Mutual of Omaha.

- [Mike] Hey, c'mon.

My kidnapped bikini lady just died on me.

I got enough to deal with.

- [Crow] If carp had pockets, I could have

brought my leatherman and
been right out of this.

- [Mike] Sorry, I saw a great minnow.

I really wanted to have it.

- You all right?

- Go down there and see if
he went through the net.

- [Tom] I don't have to
go down and see, he dead.

- Oh, see down here?

- [Mike] Still, it's fun just to hook one.

- [Crow] Well, I going to bed then.

- [Tom] What's with the net, you dink?

- [Mike] You moistened my dry look.

- [Crow] All right, army of catfish,

I command you to attack.

- [Tom] He's unplugging him.

- [Mike] Dump some coleslaw
or lemon, it'll run.

- [Tom] Poor dope, routinely
smacked around by fish.

- [Mike] Remember, I will conquer, ow.

- [Crow] Man, there's a whole bunch

of stuff I can't cross
off my wheel chart now.

- [Tom] I'm going to hide out in this

cool basement for the
whole Christmas break.

- [Crow] This scene lit by a
glow in the dark super ball.

- [Mike] I lost most of my
surface mucus on that trip.

- [Crow] I'm a failure as a fish.

I'm going to try being a fungus.

- [Tom] It's okay.

Just a set back.

It's my world to lose at this point.

It's in the bag.

- [Mike] I'm just gonna
watch TV and eat some chum.

- [Voiceover] I will cause underwaterlife

to triumph over all
other living creatures.

- [Tom] Uh huh.

- [Voiceover] I will adapt myself

to a permanent underwater environment.

- [Crow] Next week.

- [Voiceover] All other
humans will be conquered.

I cannot, I will not, be stopped.

- [Tom] Yeah, you're a real juggernaut.

- [Voiceover] I will select
a mate with utmost care.

And together we will
create a new aquatic race.

- [Mike] Yup, rice and pimples.

- [Voiceover] There is no time left.

- [Crow] He's had his papier
mache done over a gas mask.

- [Tom] He's into the mud roller coaster.

- [Crow] Dun, dun, dun, dun.

- [Mike] It's the Uncle Fester alarm.

- [Tom] He's flashing back to when

he was at that other machine.

- [Mike] Yup, there's where I blew it.

(alarm)

I gotta quit beatin' myself up over this.

- [Crow] Maybe I can conquer the

world through real estate instead.

- [Tom] Hey, lay off the heavy music.

I'm just making a grocery list.

- [Mike] Onions.

Rice, pizza rolls, tuna.

Oh what am I saying?

- [Tom] Better than the
guy that draws Sally Forth.

- [Crow] Damn, sign says no monsters.

I'm gonna have to turn around.

- [Tom] Stop being nocturnal.

Nothing's open.

- [Mike] Someone's trilling.

I wonder if that's Lionel trilling.

- [Tom] Shut up.

- [Tom] I'm hungry for real
smelly dough balls right now.

- [Crow] When I take over the world,

I'm going to put up luxury townhomes here.

- [Mike] I meant to
trip there, by the way.

- [Crow] This is a catfish
you see walking, baby.

Right here.

Yes, yes, that's right.

Check out my fins.

- [Tom] I think I'll
head over to party beach

and see how the horror is doing.

- [Mike] Oh, this is where he's

sashaying through the sargassum.

- [Crow] Cramping, cramping.

- [Voiceover] The pain.

- [Tom] Jonathan Harris, sue.

- [Mike] What, a chafin'
catfish right now.

Let me tell ya.

- [Crow] I'm calling you out, sheriff.

- [Tom] You know what they
need to take care of him?

Huh, huh, do you know, huh do you know?

Catfish hunter, that's who!

- [Mike] It doesn't really work for me.

See, the guy changed his name.

- [Crow] Yeah, to catfish chapstick,

so the joke doesn't work.

- [Tom] That's not the point.

It was a good joke.

Wordplay like that doesn't come

around like so often, you know.

- [Mike] It only works if you
get the correct current name.

The joke doesn't work.

- [Crow] He's on the parade of homes.

- [Mike] Hey Tom, are you sulking?

- [Tom] No!

- [Mike] Yes you are.

Look, I'm sorry.

It was a good joke.

- [Crow] No, no, it wasn't Mike.

His name is catfish chapstick.

- [Mike] He's suffered enough.

Open up, it's the fish police.

- [Tom] Oh yeah?

Where the hell do you get off?

- [Mike] It's a good one.

- [Crow] Man, a whole aisle
devoted to feminine products.

A whole shelf for
swelling, two for bloating.

- [Tom] Ugh, I need Gas-X right now!

- [Mike] Go to cola.

Well, there's nothing but
freeze dried echinacea.

- [Crow] That was locked, but he now has

the powerful forearms of a catfish.

- [Tom] Hate lemon swiss creme flavor.

- [Mike] All they got is clamato

brown mustard and martini olives.

- [Crow] Damn carp proof caps.

- [Tom] Label says do not attempt

bottom feeding on this medication.

- [Mike] Oh, yes, thirst, I will obey you.

(pitched whistle)

- [Tom] He's hallucinating, now.

- [Crow] Seeing treble hooks, no!

And nets, nets all over the place.

Big ones made of durable materials.

- [Tom] So this is while drugged,
what's the big damn deal?

- [Mike] He's the Dana Plato of catfishes.

- [Tom] He's too embarrassed to come in

and ask for condoms when the store's open.

- [Crow] I had such a pretty mind.

- [Tom] Sorry.

- [Mike] Okay, I'll give this so-called

heterosexuality just one more try.

- [Mrs. Pringle] Don't you
stray away from the house, now.

Call me at the hospital if you need me.

- Okay, Mom.

You be careful, too.

- I'll take good care
of her, Mrs. Pringle.

- [Mrs. Pringle] I'm sure you will.

- [Crow] Tonight, on
invisible cracker mom.

- [Tom] Invisible cracker mom
and her invisible cracker car.

- [Mike] Wonder what mom looks like.

- Henry, are you scared?

- Nah, I don't believe in all that stuff.

Why'd any monster wanna
come to this town, anyway?

C'mon.

- [Crow] Let's have an Alabama getaway.

- [Tom] I'm actually in
favor of this monster attack.

- Oh god, no!

- [Mike] That monster
fights like a third grader.

- [Crow] Hey, he pre-bloodied
his hand and hit the wall.

- [Mike] Hey, nice.

I could see driving around
the country in one of these.

- [Tom] Oh monster love of mine.

At last I.

- Rex, in the morning, I'll have Lou

take us over to the lab.

- Sounds good.

- [Crow] Sounds great, in fact.

- I think I'll turn in
while it's still quiet.

- Okay, pal.

Goodnight.

- Goodnight, Rex.

Okay, time for you to bed down.

- [Mike] Let me unhook your leisure bra.

- This is first class service.

- [Crow] And yet I still feel compelled

to take a dump on the drink cart.

- Don't I get a good night kiss?

- Anything to help the patient's morale.

- Anything?

- [Tom] The music's swinging into

porn style soundtrack, now.

Not that I've ever seen
one, so I don't really know.

- [Mike] Holy cow, can you do that?

- Stay, and you'll recover nicely.

- [Tom] Nurses don't this
anymore, thanks to managed care.

- [Crow] Wet, utter lip squishing, yuck!

- [Mike] This is fish man, reminding you

folks at home to enjoy sex responsibly.

- [Tom] Reviewing his
digital camera slides.

- [Crow] Good night.

- Yes, I've finished.

Go ahead.

- [Mike] Make your stupid movie.

- Cheryl, Cheryl.

This is the most sensational
story I've ever covered.

A little vampire rate, that's

what it was, wasn't it sheriff?

- Dale, I'll meet you down at
Dale Hughes' drug store, huh?

- Tell me sheriff, do you plan on

calling out the National Guard?

How else do you expect
to catch this monster?

- You know something boy?

It's a wonder somebody hasn't stepped

on you and smashed you flat.

Now, if you keep bugging me, I

just might take a notion to it.

- [Mike] Can I ask a follow up?

- [Crow] Someone dropped their beignet.

- [Mike] Well, I can tell by this pile

of cocaine that Lawrence Taylor was here.

- Damn, as if we ain't got
enough trouble around here.

- There's the same wide tracks.

- [Tom] White trash, did he say?

- Web footed.

- And those aren't even
fingerprints, either.

- [Crow] On the bright side,
shower caps are on sale.

- But why would a monster need drugs?

- For the same reason he
became a vampire last night.

To satisfy some physical need or urge.

- He's just an animal, isn't he?

- With human characteristics.

- [Mike] Is that hair or dog ear?

- Don't you think that's
pretty far fetched?

- No, Rex.

I'm convinced he has intelligence.

Maybe that of a human being.

Now, we can follow these tracks,

but I don't think he's too far away.

C'mon, let's go.

- [Tom] And I thought
that was gravy, damn.

- [Crow] I better alert my
wife to the shower cap sale.

- [Tom] When do they get
to go to Switzerland?

- [Mike] All right, time
to interview my hair.

- [Tom] Audience, anything to say?

(theme music)

- [Crow] Stage fright, eh?

- He's gone that direction.

- That's toward the Pringle house.

- [Mike] That's where they slam a stack.

- He'll (mumbles) right
after he left here.

- Yeah, let's get going.

- [Tom] Quit playing rat patrol.

- [Mike] Gentlemen, wee.

- [Tom] Mike, how come you don't

look like this in your jumpsuit?

- [Crow] Are you sure you're buying

the right kind of jumpsuit?

(radio broadcast)

- [Mike] Let's see if I can
remember how this works.

I'm a fish now, so I
have a real tiny brain.

- [Crow] He has a moss capelet.

- [Tom] (barks).

- [Crow] I might have to door
someone at a moment's notice.

- Head off around the porch by the swing.

- [Mike] That's where
you were conceived, son.

- [Tom] Boy died between
first and second base.

- Well, what's the matter?

- Signal's weak in here.

- [Crow] Yeah, the
movie's weak in here, too.

- [Tom] He's pounding out
a message on a coffee can.

- Now it's getting stronger.

- [Mike] The holding power
of my hairspray, that is.

- C'mon, let's go on this way.

- [Crow] It's some kid with
a Fisher Price bubble mower.

- [Mike] Hurry up, now, I
got snake handling tonight.

- [Radio] (mumbles)
Alias Leopold employed as

marine biologist,
radiologist, 14 February 1941

through 11 January 1945.

- [Tom] Und by the way,
tomorrow belongs to me.

- [Radio] MIT 1934 studying radioactive

effects of marine mutations.

- [Crow] Hotel?

- [Radio] Reportedly
discovered two new elements,

Zed sub A, sub alpha, and
A sub T, alpha sub theta.

And combine the two
elements who are supposedly

highly stable and will
accelerate biological mutations.

- [Mike] Zip a dee doo dah, zip a dee.

- [Crow] My caddy stole
my clubs and ditched me.

- [Mike] Figures they'd
have a white trash can.

- [Tom] Oh well, I've been a brook so long

now I can hardly remember,
there I go, babbling again.

- [Radio] Testified medical reports

indicate Leopold mentally
unstable with paranoid tendencies.

Dismiss the repeated requests

for human guinea pigs to test theory.

- [Mike] She's tuned into the
German explaining station.

- [Radio Announcer] That he would create

an underwater race that
would rule the world.

- [Crow] Back after zis.

- [Tom] Boy, it's all coming together now.

- [Crow] Yeah.

- [Mike] I just love driving around

looking at houses with you.

My Todd won't go anywhere near one.

Oh, that one's nice.

- [Crow] You guys, I got a frog.

- [Tom] Let him go, he wasn't

contributing much to the movie anyway.

- C'mon, let's go.

- [Mike] I'm not speaking to you.

- What's the matter, Lou?

- A human fish.

- [Tom] That's what I married.

- Sounds like something
ol' Leopold might try.

He was known as a nut.

Folks laughed at him.

Said he was once tryin' to get

volunteers off 'a death row in

prison to try experiments on.

- Is that for real, Lou?

- Yeah, there was a rumor going

around that he was trying to -

- to what?

- Turn a man into a fish.

- Damn, Lou.

Why didn't you tell us sooner?

- Well, I never thought of
it until just a second ago.

- Let's get moving then.

- [Tom] Finally, back to the movie.

- [Crow] Tom, you take the mirror.

I'll watch the back.

- [Tom] Oh, yes.

- [Mike] Man, am I lucky!

- [Voice] You sure were lucky last night.

- [voice] Yeah, you sure as hell were.

- [Tom] Now they're at
the governor's mansion.

- Rex, take a look at this.

Looks at each of these places,

he heads in an easterly direction.

- Do you think he's
headed toward the ocean?

- [Mike] Well, he had his trunks on.

- Could be.

- Now, if he's a fish, how
long can he stay outta water?

- [Crow] Not as long as Michael Stipe.

- I think he's headed
toward water right now.

Let's go.

- [Mike] You know, it's hard to keep

my chunky torso balanced
on my chicken legs.

- [Tom] You seem kind of mad at me for not

remembering the weird fish doctor before.

- [Crow] Larry, Larry, we're over here.

Larry.

- [Tom] So what happened to the nude lady?

- [Mike] There was no nude lady.

- [Crow] Exactly my point, Mike.

(doors closing)

- I just don't get it, Mike.

You seem so reasonable most of the time.

- And yet, you refuse to conceive that

most scenes in most movies
would be far better -

- And more interesting, with more

subtext and more emotional weight -

- If the actors were nude.

- I'm sorry, I just can't accept that.

- Then brain guy, Bobo, we need ya.

- Ya?

- We're having that same
problem with Mike again.

Could you help us prove to him that

any scene is played better nude?

- Oh, sure.

Something from Glen
Gary Glen Ross, perhaps.

- Sounds good.

- Sales meeting or that scene
between Shelley and Moss?

- Nah, either one.

- Okay.

- Hey, hey wait a minute.

Don't I get to see the
scene not nude first?

You know, with clothes on?

- Mike, what is your deal?

Everyone has to have
clothes on all the time.

- Just go ahead, you guys.

- Okay.

So, you're saying you've
gotta go in there and.

- You.

- I'm sorry.

- You.

- Me.

- You have to go in.

You have to get the leads.

- I do?

- And scene.

Is there anything else
you'd like us to do nude?

- Uh, no.

That was fine.

Thank you.

So Mike, are you convinced.

- Frankly, no.

- Well, Crow, maybe that wasn't

the scene to convince a nude skeptic.

I mean, it was good,
and they were nude, but.

- You know, isn't it
just possible you guys,

that what you really want
to see is nude women?

- Oh!

Maybe, yeah!

Hey Pearl!

- No, she'll kill us.

- We just wanna ask her if she'd be nude.

- No, no, no, no, no.

We'll be right back.

(theme music)

- [Mike] There.

Rats.

- [Tom] Where's my hair bleach recipe?

- [Mike] Honey, I'm gonna mow the lawn.

- [Crow] I can't get the
internet on this thing.

- [Tom] I'm sorry I let one.

Can I please ride in the truck now?

- [Walker] Wait, hold it.

- [Mike] I wanna make angels in the snow.

- [Crow] I thought I saw a penny here.

- [Tom] I'll be just a sec.

Don't look.

- [Walker] Meet me up the road.

- [Mike] Who said that?

- [Crow] I'm sorry.

I thought this was Julie's apartment.

(screaming)

- [Tom] Screaming won't
mask our problems, Agnes.

(screaming)

Just tell me where your krill is.

(screaming)

- [Mike] Look at that TV.

Early picture in picture.

- [Tom] Orangina will stop him.

(screaming)

- [Crow] You know, that's
the thing about women.

You pick them up and they instantly faint.

- [Mike] That's why they don't

make very good professional wrestlers.

- [Tom] You are going to
help me rake, young lady.

- [Crow] Suddenly, in sepia tone ville.

- Sheriff, his tracks lead
into the water right here.

- [Mike] Let's see what the
Cap'n Crunch treasure map says.

- He had to walk out on the other side,

because this lake isn't
connected to the (mumbles).

- So, we scout the perimeter.

- Right.

- I'll meet you both
around on the other side.

- [Tom] They'll never see me again.

- [Crow] He'll never see us again.

- [Mike] Sorry about the noise.

I use wax paper for underpants.

- [Tom] Are we a buddy cop team

overcoming our racial differences,

even making light of them so as to

fight crime in a small southern town?

I can't tell.

- [Mike] Feels like need
service now lights coming on.

- [Tom] Hey, where'd you guys go?

I thought you were gonna wait.

- [Crow] The director who proves there's

really no need to ever end the shot.

- [Mike] Oh boy.

Here comes a big tree.

They could just scrape him off.

- [All] C'mon, go, go, go, go.

- [Walker] C'mon, let's go.

- [Crow] Let me just get my standing

on the running board shoes.

- Martha?

- Be careful, now.

He may still be here.

- He's been here, all right.

- [Tom] That's not my point.

- [Mike] Oh great.

She's not here and she's clothed.

- Well, she's not here.

- One of us should have had enough

sense to stay here with her.

- [Crow] Well, I was busy
on the running board.

- Sheriff, as of now on, we're all going

to forget about trying
to capture this thing.

I want you to take Rex to
that lab on the double.

And Rex, see what you can find out there.

I'm going to track it.

(ominous music)

- [Mike] I'll go pick up
the other banana split.

- [Crow] No matter how much the movie

insists that there's tension, I

must respectfully disagree with it.

- [Tom] Legal, bingo, trooper, snark.

They're cops.

- [Mike] I gotta get back to Camp

Snoopy and connect this to the ride.

- [Tom] Why would I do that for?

- [Crow] Real stories of the Florida DNR.

- [Tom] These two driving is starting

to lose the impact they were hoping for.

- [Mike] He's nude, Crow.

- [Crow] You gotta point, Mike.

Let me see if I can enjoy that.

Hmm, no.

- [Tom] I don't know
where I'm gonna put her.

I already got five of these at home.

- [Mike] Help.

Can you bullheads give me a push?

- [Crow] Jeez, you pay $80
for a thing and you sink it.

Aw, man.

- [Tom] Where are we going?

- [Crow] Sure, you thought the

clown car would solve everything, did you?

- [Mike] A car labeled Hasbro
is probably not very good.

- [Tom] Stupid thing.

I'm gonna go get a pocket air

mechanic's car that floats
on a cushion of air.

- [Crow] Well, i'm gonna
have to put you down.

- [Tom] Up yours, car.

- [Mike] Don't drop her.

Those things weigh a ton
when you get them wet.

- [Crow] Oops.

I think we're out of the scene, Ed.

Yeah, there you go.

- [Tom] We're visiting
the Billy Carter museum.

- [Mike] Always been curious
as what the sign says.

Then we can get back to the chase.

- [Crow] He'll be wearing leach pants

by the time he's outta that swamp.

- [Tom] Oh Amos Mosa was a cajun.

He lived by himself in the swamp.

- [Mike] You sing Jerry Reed again,

and I'll crush you to a fine powder.

- [Tom] Okay.

- [Mike] Okay.

- [Tom] All right, sure thing.

- [Crow] Thanks, Mike.

I hope you like your
catfish hot and spicy.

Chomp.

- [Mike] Not exactly
Belizaire the Cajun, is he?

- [Tom] Ow, eh, eeee.

My kids, I could be
stupider, but it'd be hard.

- Check that out, will ya?

- [Crow] The recycling looks good.

- Looks like a generator.

- [Tom] Last time you said it

looked like a Butterball turkey.

Could you make up your mind?

- [Mike] I gotta get a bus pass.

- [Crow] Boy, when this chick faints,

she doesn't fool around.

- [Tom] Crap, I cut the wrong leg.

- [Mike] Wow, he trusted
his mitchum too much.

It skipped a year.

- [Crow] Nothing down here but

girly magazines and empty beer bottles.

Oh wait, this is my basement.

- [Tom] That Nazi fish guy's
got a real moisture problem.

- [Mike] The Nazi's next project is

nailing up some wainscoting and

putting in a home theater system.

- [Crow] Deep inside the
stomach of chef Paul Prudhomme.

- [Tom] Really, ma'am,
it's around here somewhere.

- [Mike] Meantime, would you like me to

point out some of the flora and fauna?

- [Crow] I gotta stop
buying my jeans so tight.

- [Tom] When do I get issued
a big white hat, sheriff?

- [Crow] And he falls into a panther trap.

Then he gets trapped in a dumpster,

and then entangled in a towel dispenser.

- [Tom] I could construct a crude yurt

out of my hair in which
to safely encamp myself.

- [Mike] Hey, you get to
pick your own lobster here.

- What do you make of this?

- I don't know.

I've never seen anything like this before.

- [Crow] Gonna flood the market
with homemade consummate.

What a sicko!

- [Tom] So he treats sewage at home.

Where's the harm in that?

(theme music)

- [Tom] Wow, man.

I knew he was an escaped Nazi, but this.

- Hey, Rex.

These pictures.

- [Mike] Think they might be evidence?

- There's Ewing and Matson.

- These must be his victims.

- [Crow] They're autographed.

- Lou?

This looks like a sketch of Martha.

- Martha, a victim?

But why?

- [Tom] Why not?

- Damned if I know.

Human experimentation.

- [Tom] Wanna try some?

- Lou, turn on your radio and call

Walker and tell him to
get over here quick.

You can't get a lead word with Dale.

- Right.

- [Crow] Man, I gotta work
with that human porchetta.

- [Tom] Now I got a rash.

- [Mike] What in the hell
is wrong with my Walkman.

- [Crow] Wow, real Nazi.

Wait'll I tell the wife!

- [Tom] Now I got a scorpion in my boots.

- [Mike] Dr. Z is a strange guy,

but he writes beautiful haikus.

- [Crow] He should get a
wagon or a shopping cart.

- [Mike] Timmy, give
Daddy back the camera.

Gimme.

- [Tom] Quick, look like grass.

- [Mike] I pulled my gun,
but I'm not gonna use it.

- [Crow] Go for the gills, man.

Go for the gills.

- [Mike] Lombata, the forbidden fish.

Where's your damn blowhole?

- [Crow] Did I just hear
a fish strangling a guy?

- [Tom] And finally, he
gets eaten by a manatee.

- [Crow] Outward bound, that's
Ryan, see ya guys later.

- [Tom] Well, it's traditional to

carry you over the threshold, and

I regurgitate the traditional

grunt worms into your mouth.

- [Mike] I was going to take you

to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon,

but it's very difficult to swim upstream.

- [Tom] Dear Joseph, how's Argentina?

Things are fine here.

Look out for Hess.

He has a screw loose.

- [Mike] This actually makes sense.

A race of fish people, of course.

- [Crow] Now, let's see.

What do I have to eat.

Would you like some tetra?

- [Tom] (yodels)

- Canister.

- [Crow] I need to start
my flowers in canisters.

- Mixed according to the right formula,

in correct proportions, it can

change a man into a fish
and mutate all sea life.

- [Tom] Mrs. Paul will pay
billions for this formula.

- [Crow] There's the toenail sculpture

he wrote about, just like you said.

(screaming)

- [Mike] The Beatles are on Ed Sullivan.

(screaming)

Now it's Herman's Hermits.

- [Tom] Now, we thought
it would be funny to

bring our candid cameras
into Dr. Z's laboratory.

- [Mike] So you were in for a prophylaxis

and turning into a fish, right?

- [Crow] Why can't I do this?

I'm all fins today.

- [Tom] Shouldn't she have
chips and coleslaw next to her?

- [Mike] Glub?

Glub glub?

- [Crow] I'm gonna kick your fins, man.

- [Tom] Come on, egg layer, come on.

- [Mike] Possibly lethal purple herman.

- [Tom] I've gotta laugh, it's just funny.

- [Mike] Sorry about the delay.

Another patient came in,
said it was an emergency.

- [Crow] He's striking the
Love, Sexy album cover pose.

- [Tom] Must help save universe, got to...

Hey neat, I can see what kind
of lover I am for a quarter.

- [Crow] No, that button will
make her turn into a bivalve.

- [Mike] Please don't hit that.

It's very delicate.

Let me tie her off.

I'll come over there and help ya, hang on.

- [Tom] I warned you.

I've got batter dipping in my back pocket.

- [Crow] Here's your
percentage of the net.

- [Tom] Just check the grout
on the tub before I leave.

- [Mike] Just let me reel in my

bloody performance art towels.

- [Tom] Let's get better fish suits

on sale at Montgomery Wards.

- [Crow] This is the
Gerald Ford of monsters.

- [Mike] Thank goodness I have
my provolone carrying cases.

- [Tom] He has to check his
large cheeses through customs.

- [Crow] Anyone want the rest
of this pizza on my chest?

- [Tom] Waiter, there's a girl in my soup.

- [Crow] I didn't ask
for the undercoating.

- [Mike] Man, I just do not wanna get up.

- [Tom] I ain't got time to bleed.

- [Crow] Oh good, he's pulling the

emergency stop for the movie.

- [Mike] Watch out, there's
a Wallenda on that rope.

- [Tom] I will play
Tarzan once before I die.

- [Crow] Gotta feed these giant
meal worms to my pet orca.

(gunshot)

- [Mike] Oh, get spawned.

- [Tom] The sure-footed mountain bachelor.

- [Mike] Can't shoot straight.

My flare pants keep catching the wind.

(gunshot)

- [Crow] That was a slip.

I slipped.

- [Mike] But I was going to
be the secret ingredient.

- [Tom] The fiend was trying
to make canned lady stock.

- [Crow] Oh no.

Did I faint and get kidnapped by

a fish monster with my contacts in?

- [Mike] Dismount's not the
strongest part of her routine.

- [Tom] Man, I'm groggy.

I just watched an hour of MSNBC.

- [Crow] My oversized
shish kebob protectors!

- [Tom] Stop or I'll stagger!

- [Mike] The whole catfish army

never amounted to much, by the way.

- [Tom] Yeah, by the
very brink of victory,

ruling the world seems
to be slipping away.

- [Crow] He expected aerial catfish

army support that never came.

- [Mike] Great, the break on this

curl and me without my boogy board.

- [Tom] ♫ Baby, baby,
baby, you're out of time. ♫

- [Crow] Ah jeez, the hell with it.

- [Tom] This is what women
look like when they meet me.

- [Crow] Fish guy's got great weed.

- Martha?

- [Mike] So lucky their house has a nice

picture window to see the ocean.

- Is that you, Martha?

Thank god you're alive, Martha.

- [Crow] I need help gettin'
my dune buggy, Martha.

- Martha!

- [Walker] Martha?

- [Mike] I'm busy.

- [Walker] Martha!

- [Mike] I have a headache.

- [Walker] Martha!

- [Mike] Get bent.

- Wait.

- [Tom] And she's in the endzone.

It's been a great 4th quarter
turn around for this woman.

- Wait!

Martha!

- [Mike] If I had my little
car, you'd be in trouble.

- [Crow] Hey Servo, wet
clingy dress comin' up.

Yes, yes.

- [Tom] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- [Crow] No, movie, don't!

Don't you...dah!

- [Tom] Zoom in.

- [Mike] So it's ending like an

Italian neo-realist movie from the '60s.

- [Crow] She really shouldn't
go with that weird doctor.

There's a lot of fish in the sea.

- [Tom] Oh, god.

- [Mike] This movie was the winner

of Cannes' pomme d'huh award.

(doors closing)

- Well, Mike, I don't know
why you're so skeptical.

- Yes, I happen to think the

fish man was really on to something.

- I'm sorry.

I just don't see the need.

- Okay, okay.

Just imagine, you're
boarding a plane to Detroit

and you wanna take your honeydew

melon along as a carry on.

Are you gonna risk having it mishandled

or crushed in the overhead compartment?

No!

But there's no need to worry with

this handy, lightweight
honeydew melon carrier.

- Okay, I think I get the point.

- Or say you're taking
scuba lessons in Baja,

but you wanna take a tasty Bundt cake down

for a mid-lesson pick me up.

Why risk a soggy, saltwater
drenched baked good,

when you can simply pop it in this

attractive and watertight
Bundt cake carrying case.

- Yes, okay.

I think I get the point.

- You've stayed up all night making

yourself a delicious crown roast

for your lunch break tomorrow.

What, what.

And suddenly, as you carry
it in your arms to work,

a freak storm of basketball-sized hail

breaks out and rips your carefully

prepared meat dish to shreds, oh.

You'd probably wish
you'd bought one of these

double-reinforced crown
roast tote containers.

- Okay, I think I get the point.

- You're crawling on your belly

through the Philippine jungle, parched,

snake-bitten and near death, but you

don't wanna leave your 20
foot long party sub behind.

- Oh hey, Pearl's calling.

- The cappcola, the
bread, the cut of salami,

the pepperoncini, and
the big slice of pomento

will still survive the
trip even if you do not.

- Okay.

- As long as you -

- Nelson, nothin' cranks up my

evil mad scientist thing more than

a good fish monster movie.

Behold what I have wrought.

I give you the mer-monkey.

Using a giant grouper of
Sawzall in my sewing kit,

I have created a hideous monster

that will strike terror into
the hearts of seafaring men.

And I'm sure you know I can do
something further with that.

- I be hearin' a siren
song from ya fair maiden.

- No.

- Arrr, I stand rejected.

- Not the effect I intended.

Bobo's mermaidenhood apparently

attracts lonely, rugged sailor men.

Hmm.

Will now be testing on self.

Bobo, give me that lower fish torso back.

- Okay.

(whirring)

(end theme music)

- [Voiceover] Sargassum,
the weed of deceit.