Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 11, Episode 4 - Future War - full transcript
The guys take a crack at Future War (1997) in which a man formerly enslaved by aliens escapes to modern-day Los Angeles but is being tracked by cyborgs and their trained dinosaurs. Mike and the Bots thank Pearl for not killing them which derails her plans. Tom makes himself a pair of legs so he can kick-box.
THEME SONG: In the not too
distant future, somewhere
in time and space, Mike
Nelson and his robot pals
are caught in a nasty place.
They try to survive the wrath
of Pearl, just an evil gal who
wants to rule the world.
From her castle below,
she sets her sights above,
just to torture all the captives
on the Satellite of Love.
Get me down!
I'll send him cheesy movies.
The worst I can find.
La, la, la.
He shall have to sit
and watch them all,
and I'll monitor his mind.
La, la, la.
Now keep in mind,
Mike can't control
where the movies begin or end.
La, la, la.
He'll try to keep his sanity
with the help of his robot
friends.
[BUZZ]
Robot roll call--
Cambot-- you're on.
Gypsy-- Oh, my God!
Tom Servo-- check me out!
Croooooow, I'm different!
If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes,
and other science facts--
la, la, la-- please
repeat to yourself
it's just a show,
I should really just relax for
"Mystery Science Theater 3000.
I should really just relax for
"Mystery Science Theater 3000.
-OK, 26 columns, Enter.
Hi, everyone.
Welcome to the SOL.
Uh, lately, Gypsy's been
wondering if she's once, uh,
twice, uh, maybe even
three times a lady.
-As a woman, I'm
naturally curious.
-Um, hm.
Right.
So Crow, here, came up
with a spreadsheet program
that'll answer
that very question.
-OK.
Uh, using Senator Dianne
Feinstein as a baseline--
-Since she is exactly
one time a lady.
-Right.
We entered Gypsy, there.
And the answer is,
you're 2.7 times a lady.
-Ooh!
-Oh, no.
That's not bad.
Sure, Winona is
3.3 times a lady.
-Hoo, hoo.
-But Nina Totenberg
is only 2 and 1/2.
-Yep.
-And Melissa Etheridge
is, ooh, well, pretty low.
Julia Anderson,
herself is only a 2.9.
-Wow!
-Yes.
Hey!
Look at this!
It says that Mike, here,
is eight times a lady!
-What?
What I am even doing in there?
-Whoa, let me take a
look at you, there, Mike.
Ooh, yeah.
I see It.
-Cut it out.
-I see it.
-Uh, we'll be right back.
I'm no times a lady.
-Say, what are you doing
with your fine self
on Saturday, huh?
-I am not a lady.
Not at all.
-I'm seeing it.
-Not even a little.
-Mike, relax.
Even being 100 times a
lady isn't a bad thing.
-Well, you should
know, you big woman!
[SPITTING]
-What 's that supposed
to mean, ya giant lady?
-Tah-- well, ya-- ya oughta--
-Lady!
-Now, speaking of
ladies, uh, sort of, uh,
what you got for us, Pearl?
-Oh, hi.
Uh, Mike, is it?
Anyhoo, nothin' much
going on around here,
except the government
has asked me
do some secret LSD
tests on robots.
OK, the government's
not really involved.
They're just my
secret LSD tests.
Now, Brain Guy
sent up some stuff
so I can monitor the results.
-Right on!
-Eh-eh-eh-eh, Mike, do Pearl
a little favor and hook up
the video and coax
cables so I can monitor
the robots' hallucinations.
-Uh, OK, Pearl, looks
like we're set up here.
-Now, I'm not going
to tell you how
you'll be ingesting the LSD.
It's a secret?
Who wants vegetables?
You do!
You do!
Hey, Brain Guy.
[POP]
-Now to heighten the
effect, Bobo and Brain Guy
have come up with their
own little garage band
to play some of the
psychedelic music
that all the kids are
talking about these days.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give
you "Narcotic Casserole."
Now let's see what's going
on in those little pea
brains of yours.
[GURGLING]
-Mm.
OK.
We've got our vegetables
here, so, uh, let's
switch it to video feed.
Hm?
[DISTORTED MURMURINGS]
-Servo!
Servo!
Are y-- what a nightmare.
Are you OK?
-What, th-- that?
No, Mike, that's
what I see every day.
Heh, heh, heh, heh.
-Got it.
Let's check in on Crow, here.
How ya doing?
-Mm.
Beta-carotene.
Mm.
Plenty of fiber.
Mm.
Powerful hallucinogens.
-Ooh.
OK, uh, let's
switch to video now.
-Ooh, uh, oh, no!
Uh, ee-ee.
Uh, uh, heh, heh--
before it was a Milky
Way, now-- now it's a Snickers!
-Hm?
-Make it stop,
Make it stop, Bro.
-It's gonna be OK.
I'm--I'm gonna talk ya down.
It'll be OK.
-Snickers!
Milky Way!
Argh!
Argh!
It's scary!
-It's all right.
It's all right.
-Scary!
-Thanks a lot, Pearl.
-Yeah, Pearl.
I hope you're happy.
-Whah-ah-ah-ah!
-I am happy.
Robot misidentified candy bar.
Now, your movie
today is a little tab
of orange sunshine
called "Future War."
We have a word for
this kind of film
in the illicit pharmacology
business-- crap!
-Oh, oh!
[LAUGHING]
-What?
[CROW LAUGHING]
-Crow, you're
hallucinating a clown.
Ha, ha.
Y--you mean you're
not a clown, or--
-No, well--
[ALARM BEEPING]
-We got movie sign!
-Movie sign.
-Go!
Go!
-Oh, boy.
Whew!
-Feel better, Crow?
-My shirt sleeves are
around here, somewhere.
-Making a bad movie?
That's two weeks in
solitary confinement.
[LIQUID DRIPPING]
-Is that you leaking, Crow?
-Uh, no.
-This place looks like a maze.
-We call it a corn.
-Look over there.
-Hm?
You make such a big deal
out of feeding the chickens.
-Let's go.
-Why'd you make
your hot tub so big?
-We found 'em.
Down there.
-Let's get 'em.
I'm right behind you, Ann.
-So you'll cushion my fall.
-Uh, can I be in
your movie, too?
-It's a clown loft.
People just keep
coming out of it.
[GULP]
-Welcome to Pipe World.
All we do are pipes,
and we do them well.
-Three lesbians on
a dangerous mission.
[GULP]
-Hold on, man.
I got ya.
-Sorry, my calf just rolled
up like a window shade.
-It's very deep.
-Oh, they set a
gullible moron trap.
-Mom just sent us to the
basement for more pickles.
I didn't know it
would be this hard.
-Our pretending there's a hole
there is going really well.
Hey, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme.
-Nah. it's more like
Jean-Claude Gosh Darn.
-Yeah.
-Am I Ving Rhames?
I can't remember.
Hmm.
-Four days ago, a
fire fell from the sky
and it brought a man who
would change my life forever.
-Deepak Chopra.
-But also came a pack of
dinosaur-like creatures--
-For cute.
- --in various ages, shapes,
sizes, and its masters.
-Hmm?
What?
-Ha.
-For all the questions
I had about the heavens,
all it brought
was hell on earth.
-All the bras were
hell on earth?
-I don't know if that's what--
-Hey, listen!
Is that a heartbeat?
-Hmm.
-Oh, no, I'm sorry,
that's a love beat.
-Yeah.
-Hey, we got flashlights
and a dark space.
Let's make a movie.
[SCOFFS]
-So what are you guys
doing after whatever
we're doing, here?
You want to go to
Applebee's or--
-Remember, we don't have
hall passes, so be careful.
-Ah, ha, ha, ha!
-Rock'em, Sock'em Dinosaurs.
-Mine's not cooked through.
-Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Argh!
-She's gargling with fright.
-Hurry!
Hurry!
-String.
Oh, I see string.
-So it wasn't a giant meteor.
It was a Daisy Air Rifle
that killed the dinosaurs.
-Jerry!
No!
He was three days
away from retirement!
Wah!
[GULP]
-Let's go!
-You know, half this movie has
been people's butts on ladders.
[SCREAM]
[CHUCKLES]
-Dino, no!
Hm?
-In association with Bob
Tet Offensive Productions.
-Ah, they're promising
entertainment,
but I'm not that optimistic.
Wait, another movie has started.
-Dust Buster Galactica!
-Maybe this is an anthology
of short plotless movies.
-Could be.
-So?
[CHUCKLES]
-Traveling at a moderate
15 miles per hour,
we made our way
safely through space.
-Oh, Z'No!
-A place!
-Here to sing his
Top-10 country hit.
[DOOR CREAKING]
-Hey, it's William
Conrad's CAT scan machine.
-Whew!
-Yeah!
-Formerly of Kazja Goo-goo.
-You think.
Well, they sent the
ship up, but they
forgot to put in astronauts.
-Names without Z's in 'em?
What the hell?
Aw!
[SNORING]
-The spaceship is handicap
accessible, that's nice.
-Yeah.
Hmm.
-Patrick, wait!
Come back and be in the movie!
-Oh, now.
[WHIRRING]
-I am a camera.
Ah!
There's a Z. We're
back on track, now.
[YELLING AND WHIRRING]
-Uh, we're still
building the set.
Keep the credits going!
[WHIRRING]
-My bra strap broke.
[WHIRRING]
-Oh, he's the French
country singer.
-Yeah, he's usually teamed
with Guillaume Tubbs.
[WHIRRING]
-Hey, he's comin' into
the theater, Mike.
-It's be a lot more special
if we new who the hell he was!
-Mm!.
-Yeah, Arlan H. Bullsh--
-OK, OK.
Ah, I had a bottle
of Dom Magwilli once.
It was overrated.
[POP]
(SINGING) Romeo was restless, he
was ready to production design.
[ROCKET BLAST]
-Gesundheit.
-Hm?
Creature effects-- hopefully,
this doesn't mean Alf.
-It's the face of a snow
monkey heading at us.
[IMITATING A MONKEY]
-I'm gonna ignore this credit.
Just gonna look
away till it's gone.
-It's still there.
You can look.
-OK.
-OK.
[WHIRRING]
Two first names from Van Halen.
Coincidence?
-Mm, yes.
-Yeah.
-Oh.
Save the Neutrogena bar.
[IMITATING ENGINE]
-This movie is crediting
the entire United
States, person by person!
-Ew, awkward initials.
-Yeah.
[HUMMING INTRO MUSIC] Do-da-do.
Not a very good tent.
-See, this is what happens
when you de-regulate credits.
Tall, man!
-Yeah.
-Whew.
After making a couple of
rest stops along the way.
-And-- withdrawals
from Earth's banks.
Gerbils, well, they pretty
much remained gerbils.
Questions, please
refer to the addendum.
-And now, ooh, "Heaven is a
Place on Earth," the movie.
-Future Wax.
-Uh, War.
-Oh, yeah.
Heh, heh.
Sorry.
Do-do-do-do-do.
Hm?
-Aw, cute little
credits, don't be shy.
Come on up here.
-Come on, come on.
-Come on up. [KISSES]
-I'm having a secret
storm right now, Mike.
Uh, don't tell anyone.
-OK.
-Three Mile Island
All-inclusive Resort.
-Write 'em.
-Ugh, it's tough swimming
in this part of the ocean.
[GROWLING]
-A giant chicken.
Bawk!
-Wow!
He's gonna need a big bag to
pick up after his dinosaur.
-I'm telling!
You got a pet on the beach!
-Wow, they lit this
with a KFC heat lamp!
-Chuck Wepner's point of view.
[WHIRRING]
-Later, in Houston, or Portland,
or some crappy hole of a town--
-Hey, it's Mike!
Oh, no.
-Santa Claus hits the skids.
-Oh!
-It's kind of an
ineffective beer commercial.
-Give me back my beer!
-Hm?
-Aah!
-Aah!
-Aah!
-Aah!
[YELLING]
-Well, I'd better get
back to the office.
[GROWLING]
-Huh?
Oh.
[CHUCKLES] I warn you,
my meat is very stringy.
[GROWLING]
-This has got be
kinda the last danger
you think of when you're
living in a dumpster.
-Yup!
-He's a Cute-a-saurus.
-Ooh, he's being attacked
by a Schnauzer in a dinosaur
costume.
-Aah!
-Ooh!
-Wow!
Well, that was easy.
-Yeah.
-Maybe it was butterflies
that wiped out the dinosaur.
-Tap dogs.
[METAL CLANGING]
-Ooh!
No wonder fossils are so rare.
-I'll disguise myself as a box.
Must look corrugated and square.
[HUMMING]
-Ooh!
-Thank you.
Wow, being a scab
for UPS is hard.
[WHIRRING]
-Alan Jackson in a
very special cameo.
-It's a weird,
threatening clown.
-Hey, they got good stuff
here at the police auction.
[WHIRRING]
-Van-damme it!
[WHIRRING]
-Brain Guy looked like
this in high school.
Heh, heh.
-Damn binocular trick.
[SCOFFS]
-Aah!
Ugh!
-Geez, I'm sorry I
killed your dinosaur.
I didn't know he was a pet!
-Ugh!
-Boxes of air, shipped anywhere
in the world over night.
-Boing!
Boing!
-Oh, he's got clown white
all over his fist now.
-I don't know, maybe they
ship fully inflated balloons
overseas.
[CHUCKLES]
-World's grouchiest mime.
-He's "boxed" in.
-Yeah, well, I'm "card-bored."
[CHUCKLES]
-Shut up, you two.
-Ugh!
Be honest, am I wearing
too much eyeliner?
[WHIRRING]
-So he sees considerably
worse than humans.
-Hm, hm.
-I like the Randy
Johnson-model cyborg.
-The Fed-Ex/DHL wars continued
well into the next century.
[GRUNTING]
-Don't come in yet.
-The truth about
radial keratotomy.
-Hiya!
-Hiya!
-Whoo-wa!
-Cardboard boxes aren't working.
Try throwing a piece of
paper or a cottonball.
-Yeow!
-Aah!
This is hard to watch, because
I care about them both so much.
-I care about the boxes.
I mean, why should innocent
freight have to suffer?
-He looks better without makeup.
-Yeah.
He's so pretty.
He really doesn't need it.
[GRUNTS AND MOANS]
-Battle of the guys who
peaked in high school.
-Hiya!
-[GURGLING]
-Ugh!
I got point of
view vertigo, here.
-My trained weiner
will finish you off!
-Aah!
-Merengue!
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo.
-I'll just wait till
you're done twirling, then.
-Hm, hm.
-(YELLING) Packers!
-So these guys are
Kung-Fu fighting.
[CHUCKLES]
-Da-da da da da.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
-My bell collection!
-Aah!
Uh-- ah?
Mama!
-The largest attempt ever
to lock in freshness.
-This part was
filmed through soup.
-Hm!
Kim Wilde could do a video here.
I'm all moved in, but I'm
still living out of boxes.
[GROWLING]
-He's using sense memory.
-And actor prepares-- to suck!
-He studied under
Lee Strasberg's car.
-He's read Uta Hagen's "Respect
for Acting-- Like an Imbecile."
-Hm, yeah.
You know, he should
probably throw an empty box,
just to keep from getting rusty.
[GROWLING]
-I'm doing the
making-out-with-myself gag,
and no one's here to enjoy it.
[GROWLING]
-Hey, where did I
pack the can opener?
-I continue to remain cold.
-Oh, the warehouse covered
everything in vinyl
so no one sits on
their good boxes.
-Hm, do I have something in
my teeth? [MUNCHING SOUNDS]
-All right, there should be
a delay-of-movie penalty,
right about now.
-[WHISTLE] 15 yards.
-Kool-Aid vision!
[GROWLING]
-Nothing, nothing.
I don't hear you, dinosaur.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la.
I don't hear ya!
-You know, this dinosaur
used to rule Hollywood.
Now Spielberg won't
return his calls.
-Mm, said.
Yeow!
That hurts!
-Ha, ha, ha.
-Killed by a pencil!
-Lay that ham up there.
-OK, but, uh--
-There we go.
-There's the new
legs, but I don't
think they're gonna
be very functional.
-That's OK.
Thanks, Mike.
Hello folks.
You may be wondering why I'm
not kickboxing right now.
I apologize.
You have every right to
expect constant kickboxing.
But the truth is, until
recently, I had no legs.
However, I've just remedied that
by actually making myself some.
Ha, ha!
So get ready for some
hot kickboxing action!
The first poor schmo
who comes along
is going to get a taste of my
Ashley Judd-like kickboxing
wrath!
-(SINGING) You shook
me all night long.
-Ah! a challenger!
-Hi, Tom.
-Ha!
You dare to oppose me,
strange top-heavy purple one?
-What?
-Prepare to be kickboxed
by my new legs.
-I don't want to fight, Tom.
I'd like you.
-You will fight, coward!
[STRAINING] Gosh dang it!
Come on legs!
-They're pretty, new legs, Tom.
-Fawning flattery
will not help you!
[STRAINING] Dumb,
stupidity, sticky legs!
Oh, agh, whoa!
Oh, boy!
Oh, jeez.
Aw, just a temporary setback.
I'll--
-Do you need help, Tom?
-No!
No, get-- aah.
Aah!
Whew!
There, now stop your
pathetic delaying tactics.
I insist you fight me, weakling!
-Well, if you want.
OK, Tom.
-Huh?
Oh-- oh, boy!
-Hiya!
-Look-- ow!
-Sorry.
-I thought you didn't
have legs, either.
-Just made it today.
Neat, huh?
We'll be right back.
I should make another one.
-Oh!
[GASP]
-Ha!
Wow.
Sister Vehicular Homicide.
-Oh, great!
Third time this week.
I'll just a note on him.
-Thank god, he's alive.
Can somebody help me?
Please, somebody help me!
-Help me, Sister Roscoe.
-Fred!
Oh, Fred.
-I'm all flibbertigibbet.
-In the car-- a man.
[PANTING]
-Hair weave doesn't
blend in that well.
-There's an injured man in car.
He needs our help.
-Hey, Oscar, we need
your help outside.
-I'll loan him some flesh.
-Ann?
Long time no see.
-She's wearing a
maternity habit.
-You van is under
arrest for not having
a scene painted on the side.
-The van must be having
emissions problems.
It's blackened the
lower atmosphere.
-Hey, what have we got?
-A homeless guy with
his throat ripped out.
-By what?
-Who cares?
-Figure mountain lion,
grizzlies come out
of the hills in search of food.
Found this poor
bastard, instead.
-Great.
Just great.
Has anybody called the
Humane Society, the zoo?
-They're sending
some people out.
-Captain, we've
got something here.
-We found part of a burger.
I want to know if
I could eat it?
It's not that dirty.
Split it with ya.
-We found this.
-What the hell made that?
-That's your shadow, boss.
-Jesus, I think I
should be wearing a tie.
Ow!
-Oh, my gout.
-Ow.
-I mean, don't give
me a hard time.
OK?
-Uh, I think you broke a bone.
-I mean, what is this bull?
-Hm?
-I mean, no special favors.
-OK.
Anything you say.
-And watch that language.
-OK, OK.
-OK, so now you don't like
my cooking, Sister. challenge
[CHUCKLING]
-Oh, I don't know.
I'm just not hungry.
Thanks for cooking.
-Hey, I have some
nice, chocolate cake,
some mocha almond ice cream.
-Hey, I'll have some.
-No, thanks.
I think I'll pass.
-It's a halfway
house for huge guys.
-This is worse than I thought.
-There's no butter in my coffee.
-You're at home now, Annie.
So what's going on?
-Whoa!
That's what's going on!
-OK, let's see.
I'll take his wallet,
and his Echinacea, oh,
and his goat cheese.
Should I?
Yes, I'll take his '70s watch.
-You know, maybe I'm-- maybe
I'm not meant for this.
Maybe I'm meant
for something else.
-Maybe.
-Sister Superior says that
I'm having a crisis of faith.
[IMITATING BELCHING]
-Maybe.
-Well, what do you think?
-Uh, I think I like
the Haagen Dazs better.
-Maybe.
-Come on!
I'm looking for some
counseling, here, Fred.
-Hey, I cut the meat, you know?
Personally, I think you're
getting a little stupid
about that kid that
bought the farm.
-Hm?
-Remember Jimmy Ho?
Remember Lena Melcher?Ca
-I heard about Terry.
-Mink stole!
-Sorry.
-How's our guest?
-Unconscious.
Look what I found.
-Calista Flockhart's belt.
-Hm?
Maybe he was into some
kind of bondage thing.
-Smart guy.
I patched up what I
could without x-rays.
I'll know more tomorrow.
-Well, why don't you
have a seat, nurse?
-Yeah, come on.
Sit down.
-Nah, no time.
I gotta get back to the clinic.
Terrible habit, girl.
-Hey, not on the floor!
-It's good to have
you back, Ann.
-Thanks.
-I'll stop by
after my shift, OK?
Bye.
-Bye.
-Hey, you want something, Max?
-Uncle Fred says you
don't have a husband.
Uncle Fred says, you should sh--
you're gonna shave your head
and turn into a penguin.
-Hm?
-A penguin?
-Can I watch?
-It was a metaphor.
-He says you don't
know what you're doing.
He says--
-Max, it's time
you got to bed now.
Go brush your teeth.
Go on.
Say goodnight.
-Goodnight.
-Goodnight, Mom and Dad.
-You're right, you know.
-Aw, come on, Annie.
I was just talking.
-I mean, two days
ago, I was so sure.
-And what?
Today you don't know nothing?
-It's hard being a
nun with a family.
-Look, when we met, you
were hiding from a pimp.
You had just did a
month in the joint.
You were suicidal and addicted.
-And you threw it all away.
-Keeping you in here was hard.
-When Lena was killed by some
guy wired up on the drugs
he bought from me.
-Aw, come off it, Annie.
-It's like I pulled the trigger.
-But you didn't.
He did.
You came here.
You got clean.
You helped other girls off
the junk and off the street.
-Hmph!
-That means something, Annie.
-It means great service
and low, low prices.
-[SIGH] I was a great hooker.
[SIGH]
-I'm gonna go up north
and visit and aunt.
-She lives on an "aunt" farm.
-Can you take care of that guy?
-Listen, kid.
Everything's gonna
work out just fine.
You'll see.
-Uh, what if God was one of us?
-I hope so.
-Promise Margarine--
a new kind of spread.
-Our guest is awake?
-Yep.
-How's he doing?
-OK.
I couldn't talk to him.
English, Spanish,
he doesn't talk.
But I think he understands.
I left him in the day-care room.
-Hm.
Let's go have a look.
-They must go through a lot
of zoobas in this house.
-Mm, hm.
-And maybe he can tell us
what this thing is for.
-Yeah.
-Where are you going?
-I'm gonna go to
my room and pack.
I want to get on
the road by 12:00.
-Oh, no.
Aren't you gonna stay and
help us with this guy?
He's yours.
-Yeah, Sister, come on.
You're good at this kinda thing.
-They don't get the
all-kickboxing station.
-Sorry, I ate your
breakfast on the way in.
[MUSIC]
-It's hard to sample
off the radio.
-Mm.
[STATIC]
-[IMITATING_PASSINGóGAS]
Oh, sorry.
That's not very
appetizing, is it.
-I just thought of a
great joke from Nun-sense.
-Good thing we
switched places, there.
-Hi, there.
I'm Fred.
That's Romero.
And that's Sister Ann.
-I assume you've met
your corn with pimentos?
-Hey, man, what's your story?
-A Macy's balloon.
Oh, it's you.
Hi.
-You understand English?
-Ah, he's going to fit right in.
-[CHUCKLING] All his
pants are low-riders.
Do-do-do-do do-do do-do
do-do-do do do-do-do.
[FAINT RADIO RECEPTION]
-Where's that light station
that everyone can listen to
at home, in the car,
or at the office?
-Well, who's up for a snack?
-Too huge dinosaurs!
Uh, oh.
It's those guys.
-Leave me alone with him.
-Oh, This guy might be a psycho.
-And, um-- what do you think?
He's gonna open up
with you in there?
-Well, why not?
I'm a likable guy.
-The sad thing is, they're
all former prostitutes.
-Fred, give me the collar.
-You just say the word, I'll
be right outside the door.
-It was fun to be
here for a while,
but now let's go in there again.
-It must be Minneapolis, he
can't find a good station.
[CHUCKLING]
-German?
Dutch?
Huh?
-Hm?
-Hey, you like the-- the
pictures in the magazines?
-What other random
thing can I say?
Lamp?
Elephants in the streets?
-That sounds like a great place.
-[SIGH] Is this yours?
-I'm going to wear it
to the rave, tonight.
-Hang your crappy
art high on the wall.
-This is a con!
You can hear us, and I
think you understand us.
-Us being me and the lamp.
-Do you want to give us a break?
-Hm, that bass.
Somewhere, Seinfeld
must be starting.
-Guess not.
[SMACKING LIPS]
-Well, enjoy.
-I don't think I will enjoy,
if it's all right with you!
-Great Warren Moon impression.
Hm?
-Mm, hm.
-Well, thank you
for not killing me.
-They should make a
Hallmark card for that.
-Hm?
Hm.
-Hey, you're the same
size as my Alsatian.
-Oh!
Oh.
There's-- there's something
wrong with your throat.
Yeah.
You can understand us, but--
but you can't talk, right?
Is that it?
Is that it?
-No, I'm just choking ya.
-When I nod my head
like this, I mean yes.
OK?
Yes?
-And when I shake my
head no, I mean no.
Right?
-Yes!
Yes!
-We're all out of steak.
-Where are you from?
-Hm?
-Hey, maybe you can write.
OK.
Um-- A.
-Yes, Ass wuh-- ass--
-It's not even ass, Servo.
-Oh.
-Go on.
[PRONOUNCING ABC'S PHONETICALLY]
-Not a clue!
-You've got a lady
weight lifter cleavage.
-Hey, the map.
Let's see, here?
Huh?
Are you from here?
-Canary Islands?
Morocco?
New Jersey?
Hong Kong?
Sauk Rapids?
What?
-Here?
[MOANING]
-Ehh.
Oh, you're from Ehh!
-Ehh.
-I live in your air vent!
-I'm soory, I-- I
just-- oh, oh, up here?
-Ungh!
-You thick woman!
Man!
-What happened?
We were batter dipping.
-Hi, my name is Max.
-Ah, I'm your toy.
Pleased to meet you.
MALE SPEAKER (FROM TOY): Hi.
My name is Max.
-Hm?
Ungh!
Ugh!
-Where are you going?
-I'm going to go visit
an aunt I have, up north.
I just came to say goodbye.
-Ungh!
-So, goodbye.
Hey, don't worry.
They're gonna take
good ca-- hey!
Well, maybe now you can
tell me where you come from.
-[GROWLING]
-You--
-[GROWLING]
- --here, I com--
[SIGH] I'm sorry.
I--
-I wasn't done!
-I.
-I'm sorry.
-The son of Moe Howard.
-I'll hit you so hard with
this, you'll go flying that way,
and--
-Me, me.
-Max, did you show
him any space videos?
-Yeah.
-Hey, did you know
your sprinkler was on?
-Are all nuns so stupid?
-I--
[GROWLING]
-Aah!
-Damn, Bumpus's dinosaurs?
[CHUCKLING]
-Save the meatloaf!
[SCREECHING]
-Yeah, this happens
a couple times a day.
[GRUNTING AND MOANING]
-No!
They're my friends.
-Run.
Must run!
-Amway!
[SCREAMS]
-Whaa!
-Hey, it's a full
aspirin out tonight.
-Ugh!
Glad the dinosaur got the kid.
Really distracted him.
-Oh!
God!
Thank you.
[GROWLING]
-I think we've outrun them.
-You are a penguin?
-No, I'm a puffin!
-No, I'm a Sister,
not a penguin.
-You know, one of
the Sledge girls.
You know, how is it
you know English today,
when you didn't know
English yesterday?
-Not bad screenwriting, really.
-It was hard for me
to understand him.
[SCOFFS]
Huh?
-For all the
problems I had, maybe
I just didn't want
to be a part of his.
He explained to me how
quickly he could learn.
How his vocal cords needed to
adjust to speak our tongue.
And--
-You sure?
- --he had heard
our words before.
-Go ahead.
-His eyes were so honest, but
still, there was a part of him
that I didn't trust.
And who are you?
-A tool.
-I'm a box wrench.
-And you come from?
-Uh, just let me check
the wind and I'll tell ya.
-Never mind.
[TRAIN SIGNAL SOUNDING]
-Train's bringing in
food for the roommates.
-Well, I suppose one of
us has to play harmonica.
-Want A little
convent-issued pot, here?
-Could you chew it and
regurgitate it for me?
-Oh, I needed that jerky.
-You're human.
-And you're putting up with me!
-I am tool.
-Call me Snap-On.
-And you're from up there.
-The Pagam.
The first were harvested from
this world, like trackers
long ago.
-I preferred his grunting.
-We are used to build,
because we have these.
-Hamburglar finger puppets!
-The Master do not have these.
-They can make their own thumbs,
but they just don't want to?
-They want us to do the work.
-Yeah, I knew a few
pimps in my time.
-Pimps?
-Did you know Rooster?
-You wouldn't understand.
Like the Bible says, my
thoughts are not your thoughts.
-Neither are your ways
my ways, says the Lord.
-Jack Lord.
-This is a con.
-No, no, no, no.
No, no trick.
No lie.
-How does an alien-bred human
know quotes from the Bible?
-In the world where
I am from, in a place
where the tools are
kept, are unsketched
with words-- a phrase
told in darkness.
I have heard your
language before.
-Um, hm.
-Well, um, explain this
so I can understand it.
-Why are we on this train?
-This place was the most
important story-- our dream,
our heaven.
And now--
-Our gang.
- --I'm free.
-He was so honest.
I explained to him
about the heavens.
I was studying to become a nun.
-Um, hm.
-But now I'm having
second thoughts.
-I'm Mary.
This is my story.
-When I was younger,
I ran away and I
have a past that
I'm not proud of.
-That's why I kept a scrapbook!
-I found the church.
And they helped me.
But just recently, a
friend of mine, um,
died of a drug overdose.
-Pepcid AC.
[CHURCH BELLS RINGING]
-I blame myself for her death.
I know know, I feel
somehow responsible.
-I guess that's why I
blame myself for the death.
-Yeah, I made her
swallow a pound of coke.
She was yelling, please
stop, but still--
-Hm.
-The only thing that keeps me
going is my "All-Bells" CD.
-Hey, you know what, guys?
-Hm?
-We have been remiss.
-Ah, I know what
you're thinking.
-Yeah, you know, we have
never, like in the movie,
thanked Pearl for
not killing us.
Not once.
-Well, let's do it.
Right now!
-Yeah.
Uh, hello, Pearl?
-Satellite killer
launch, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2--
-Yeah?
What?
-Well, uh, Pearl, uh, I don't
know how else to say this.
Uh, thank you for
not killing us.
-Yeah.
Right!
-Huh?
Well, that's OK.
Ha, ha, I would never kill--
Brain Guy, kid, get over here.
-What?
What?
What?
What?
Oh!
Hello.
-Well, you know, things get
pretty tense between us.
And what with one thing
or another, I mean,
you could easily have killed us.
-And you didn't do that.
So--
-So, thanks.
[TAPPING COMPUTER KEYS]
-Really, that's OK.
Uh, I guess I just take it for
granted that I would never--
[TAPPING COMPUTER KEYS]
-How do you turn the rocket?
-First you say you
want to kill them.
Then you say you don't
want to kill to kill them.
-Well, I--
-I mean, what am
I supposed to do?
- --can't kill them now.
Really, don't think a
second thing about it.
-Well, we will have to kill
Mike in the box, today.
Ugh!
-Um, anything else
you guys want to add?
-Mm, I don't think so.
-Just, thanks, for
not killing us.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's OK.
Don't worry about it.
-But-- but-- but aren't
you killing them now?
-Shh!
-But they're thanking
you for not killing them,
but you're killing them.
And they-- ooh!
Ooh!
I'm killing.
[TAPPING ON COMPUTER KEYS]
-There!
Ready.
-Well, I guess that's about it.
Just, thanks for not--
[EXPLOSION]
-Aah!
-Ooh!
-Hey!
-Yeah, you tried to kill us!
-What the--
-No!
I didn't.
No!
Never.
-Yes, you did.
Ooh!
-Well, I just think
this changes everything.
I suppose there's other times
you tried to kill us, too!
[ALARM SOUNDING]
-Oh, now we have movie signs.
Can I even trust that?
I don't know!
-Sister Ann, are you all right?
-I can't believe this!
-Yeah.
I mean, wow!
-Ever since yesterday,
at the burial,
I've been asking myself--
-How much to undertakers make?
- --what I missed.
-You didn't miss
anything, my dear.
It wasn't your fault.
-How come I wasn't taken?
-Because you weren't.
And that's that.
-So shut your trap!
-I don't know if I'm gonna
take my final vows next week.
-I have a nail appointment.
-Because of Terry Jo?
That's what this is--
-You knew what I was
before I came here.
-Hm?
-Sister William looks concerned.
-Well, you had a record.
So did Mary Magdalene.
-I was a whore doing
tricks in back allies.
-Sister Ann.
-I sold drugs.
-Sister Ann, that was then.
-This was then, too.
It's weird.
-I'm very proud of you now.
-You bring in a lot of
cash to the convent.
-I'm not.
-Well, then we have a
problem, here, don't we?
-She was smart, Sister.
Good, tough--
-She was built Ford tough.
-Sister--
-I should have been there
for her when she needed me.
-Sister Ann, why don't
you take the weekend--
-Go out to the
track, or something.
- --visit your
friends and family.
Though perfection is not
one of the requirements,
faith is, Sister.
Do you believe in signs?
-I believe in "yield
from [? right."
-I guess I do.
-Really?
I-- I don't know what to say.
I thought you were
gonna say, no.
-Keep your eyes open.
-You can't trust these nuns.
-God always answers prayers.
-But only from Catholics!
-We'll take a brief break
from my flashback, now.
-What about the tracker?
What happens now?
-The tracker will
rest, then go back--
-What was I talking about?
- --to where it first found us.
-Is he talking about a warwolf?
-I don't believe this!
(IMITATING TWEETY
BIRD) Dis is a city.
12 million puddy tats.
-Are you going back?
-Yes.
-But the tracker
has your scent now.
-Tough!
-He'll have to deal with it!
-If I go with you,
it will find me.
-Well, then you better
get back on the train.
-Say, by the way,
what is "KISS"?
-I do not understand.
-This is something I have to do.
I'd like to give you
some big words of wisdom,
but I just don't have any.
My mind's blank.
You do what you have to do.
Goodbye.
-We don't have a permit
to shoot on curb.
(IMITATING STEVE MARTIN)
Am I a wild and crazy guy?
What are you doing?
-Doing what I believe to.
-Is that OK at you?
-And what's that?
-Going with you.
-Look, let's get this straight.
I work alone.
-I nun outta my home.
-Alone!
By myself!
I want to be alone!
-Better is a neighbor that is
near than a brother far off.
-Oh, that's from one of
them "Chicken Soup" books.
-I don't want to
talk about this.
-Would you button my shirt?
-I'm going to call
Sister Gary and see
if she can cover my shift.
[PHONE RINGING]
RECORDING: The number you have
reached is not in service.
-Oh, Vatican!
Pay you phone bill!
-Heaven's a mess, isn't it?
-I don't know.
I like it.
"The Alien and the
Nun," this fall on CBS.
-How many people
got murdered today?
Huh?
Or raped?
Beaten?
Oh, missing?
-You're upset.
-Yeah, I'm upset.
-Didn't my acting convey that?
-But you want to
help your friends.
-And that's different,
I know them.
-You don't know me.
You helped me.
Greater love has
no man than this;
than a man lay down his life--
-Heard it!
- --for his friend.
-Ugh!
I got to get outta here.
-Should we be worried
about our friends?
-That is what I want to be.
-What?
-A man.
-You are a man.
-No.
I mean, greater love.
that kind of man.
-Well, you better be
careful what you wish for.
-Sister Mary Despair.
-Ah, life is good!
I live in Maui and I
got a "Monster" mag.
Ha, ha.
[GROWLING]
-(SINGING DRUNKENLY) Wasted
away again in Margaritaville.
-Ew!
He has the live, supple
figure out James Doohan.
[GROWLING]
-A man was snapped at by a
forced-perspective puppet,
today.
-We're going on the assumption
that some animal out
of the hills has
gone on a rampage.
-Hm, hm.
-The body found
here at Third Street
makes four deaths in six hours.
This creature knows
where it's going.
I want cars posted
all along this route.
-Make 'em all Tercels.
-Stay in close radio
contact at all times.
Let's go.
[GULP]
-Is God out there?
-He is (SHOUTING)
out there, man!
Whew!
-God of Gods, and King of Kings.
-You don't even know what
you're saying, do you?
-[GIBBERISH]
-You don't.
-[GIBBERISH]
-What's out there?
Is heaven out there?
-Earth is heaven.
-Thanks to Olestra.
-And the Supreme Being is what?
-Well, it's not Earl Holliman.
-Handlers-- masters.
-No, no, no, no.
Not them.
Greater than them.
-(WITH BAVARIAN ACCENT) What
is your word for boring?
-Ha!
If the movie's dragging,
then they show us soccer.
Good!
-Soccer's my game.
I've no arms, ya see!
-Aah!
-Aah!
[PHONE RINGING]
-Puffy Hat Police.
-Western Division,
Officer Fry speaking.
How may I help you?
-Hello.
-This is Mail Boxes Etc,
people really need our boxes!
FRY (ON PHONE): Stay calm, sir.
-Help us, please!
-Heh, heh.
-Man, why did we take
the train to Sacramento?
-Uh, I'm supposed to get
you folks back in the movie.
OFFICER (ON RADIO): 10-4,
Unit 41K, 905D in progress.
Fifth Street Warehouse.
Code 3.
-It's the world's
most put-upon nun.
-THIS IS Boris Becker
reporting live!
-This is WCNG reporter--
[LAUGHING]
- --reporting to you live from
the Fifth Street warehouse,
where there has been a
reported animal attack.
-Ha, ha.
-Ted Nugent helps out!
-More updates as they occur.
-Thanks for playing reporter
and camera guy with me.
I think the cardboard
camera's working good.
-Oh, ho.
OFFICER (ON RADIO): Captain,
there are employees still
in the plant at the
back of a store room.
-He's reporting
over a baby monitor.
-Joey, lead in
the tactical team.
You take the point.
-Eh!
You know, I have unbridled
enthusiasm for boxes, Mike.
You know that.
-Sure.
-But even I think
they've overdone
the box theme in this movie.
-Um, hm.
-OK, boxes, if you have any
inserts, throw 'em out now.
-But I really do like boxes.
-Yeah.
-Just call me Bruce Box-liker.
Heh!
-Oh!
-Please?
-Uh, I don't think so.
-OK.
-Ugh, Mandy Patinkin's gonna
do a concert back there.
-Hey, Joey, Captain
wants to know
if you've spotted that bear yet?
[LAUGHING]
-No, no, sir.
-Try a pick-a-nick
basket, Boo Boo.
-Hm?
-Where's the rest
of my SWAT team?
Am I just a SWAT guy?
-I just found a
blood stain, sir.
It looks fresh.
-And I've tried
scrubbing them out.
CAPTAIN (ON RADIO): You
sure it's not ketchup?
-No, sir.
It's real.
-Focus on, uh, Polaris.
-And the Arctic Cat.
-What happened?
You two, follow me.
-They were transferred
to a Costa-Gavras film.
OFFICER (ON RADIO): All
patrols, Northeast corner.
-Your lights are on.
-Uh, Anybody got bloody
glove we could plant?
-Sweet Jesus.
-Leo.
-Reminds me of the
time Chief Gates
chunked all over headquarters.
-Ooh!
-Sometimes tools will run.
When the trackers catch
them, it's like this.
-So, uh, Wally, you
need a doctor, or--
[GUNFIRE]
A dinosaur is skeet
shooting off the port bow!
[GROWLING]
-Hey, it's coming back.
-Hm?
-The movie that
pushes over boxes.
-Don't shoot.
Floyd's behind him.
You might hit each other.
-I've got Floyd.
-Can you kill it with that?
-Yeah. here.
Cut here.
It's the softest place.
-Ew!
-How long?
-In just a moment.
-Don't miss.
-This is how
dinosaurs see plaid.
-This is a case
where parents should
have crushed a child's dream
of becoming a film maker.
-Mm, you're right.
-So when you edit it, it will
look like I stabbed him, right?
-I was coming to warn you.
An asteroid-- ugh, uh!
-Ha, ha.
SWAT guy who's dead must be
feeling pretty dumb right now.
-Yeah.
[BEEPING]
-That's mine.
I got it.
-Get down!
-Oh!
I had a woodchuck do
to this to me, once.
-Ha!
-Well.
-Captain Polaris?
[CHUCKLING]
-Captain Polaris?
-Captain Polaris.
-Are you there?
Captain Polaris?
-We got the bastard, Sergeant.
-We've got a situation here.
-What do you mean,
you've got a situation?
-Ha, ha.
-I mean, we've got more
monster sightings in the city.
-What do you mean?
-More?
How could there be more?
-They come in packs.
-Or cartons.
-They're after me.
They will continue to hurt
people until they find me.
Bring me to them.
-Otis, Smitty, place
this man under arrest.
-Hey, he just saved you, and
everybody in the building,
from that thing.
-That's right.
-He's not a criminal!
-He won't run away this time.
Now, if you'll excuses us,
Sister Ann, your friend's
got some questions to answer.
-Hey, how did you
know who I was?
-Fred Burroughs
told us how he got
you got you to give him a ride.
But don't worry,
you're free to go.
-Wh--
-Fred Burroughs.
Somebody look in your
Rolodex for a Fred Burroughs.
-Hm, Fred Burroughs.
-Fred Burroughs.
-Well, let's see now.
-Fred Burroughs?
-(SHOUTING) Fred Burroughs!
Help me!
-A skinny Belgian idiot
was arraigned on charges
early today.
-Well, I am Belgian.
-Hey, the LA Police got
themselves a boom box!
And a copier!
-Ooh!
-Ha, ha.
MAN (ON RADIO): --sources have
noted a freak accident has cost
a number of wild animals
to escape from the zoo.
They're extremely dangerous.
[IMITATING MONKEYS]
[SNORTING]
-Ooh, just wait until Fred
Burroughs get here, man!
Yeah!
-Well, haven't had
Hardee's in over an hour.
-They don't care
about us, Annie.
They just cut us loose.
-In fact, everybody
cut footloose.
-Is Terry Jo's
brother still running
with the 12th Street gang?
-Yeah.
-Can you set up a
meeting with me?
-What for?
-You're such a nun.
-So he can shoot me.
-Ha, ha, ha, ha.
We're sharing a vague moment.
Ha, ha.
-Ladies and gentlemen,
Fred Burroughs!
-Oh, OK.
-We're number one!
-Based on a play by
Terrence McNally.
-Shaa!
-Hm?
Maybe he is Tom of Finland.
-Could be.
-Hey, hey, little pal,
where'd my thumb go?
-Cha!
Cha!
-Cha-cha, cha!
-He's beating up his memories.
-Cha!
-Cha!
Cha!
Cha!
He's warming up to sing
the big country song.
-Sure.
-Cha!
Cha!
Cha!
Cha!
Cha!
Cha!
[GROWLING]
-Ah, pretty soon he's
gonna be flashing back
to the beginning
of the flashback.
-Chaa!
-That pretty much
brings us up to speed.
-Thank you, Soloflex.
-Well, I'm all Cha'ed out.
-I wonder if I get body
waxing privileges in here?
-The things my stereo came
packed in, fly through space.
-A Mark Seven production.
-So?
-Oh, good, another large guy.
The movie was needing one.
[CHUCKLING]
-Yep.
-Oh, their stair climbing
lessons seem to be going well.
-Hm?
Beat it!
Beat it- it!
Uh!
-You got something to say to me?
-I'm sorry I took
your parking space.
-Sorry about Terry Jo.
-He was a good python.
-Anything else?
-I'm sorry.
-She had deep
thoughts, you know?
-Is he a Sister Hazel, Mike?
-Nah, I don't think so.
-I need your help.
-For what?
-I need to borrow your tuke.
-Monsters in the 'hood.
-Hm.
-Meanwhile, in the life of
a basement-dwelling computer
nerd-- but I've never mind that.
Let's go here.
-These are things.
They exist.
-Wow!
-So, Dr. Tanaka, what's
your honest opinion?
-What's there not to believe?
A race of transplanted humans
bred on another planet.
One of them escapes, returns
to his ancestral world.
And these dinosaurs
and their masters
are here to bring him back.
Personally, I think he's nuts.
-Detective Alan Thicke.
-I've seen these
dinosaurs, Doctor.
They're real.
Maybe his story is real, too.
-Captain!
-Federal agents, we're
taking over this case,
as of right now.
-But my puffy hair!
-Under whose authority?
-National Security, Captain.
You are hereby
relieving of this case
and ordered to
leave the room, now.
-I'm taking this to
the Commissioner!
-Why, if this door wasn't just
a flat panel, I'd [MUMBLING].
-I don't believe this!
-Can you explain this?
-They're photographs.
-I said, can you explain this?
-They're trackers.
-When the tracker was killed,
what happened to his body?
-It self-destructed so
they leave no trace.
-Trice?
-Trice.
-Like this?
-Dee Snyder's dance belt!
-You look so human.
-I'm a man.
-In my particular relationship.
-So you say.
-Sorry, this nipple
ring is hard to remove.
-Well?
-It appears to be a
transmitter of some kind.
I'm taking it to the lab.
-Would you all leave
the room, please?
-So you want to get my
polyp while you're at it?
-I apologize for
this humiliation.
It's my job.
-I have a job, too.
I'm a tool.
-My life is my job.
-Mine too.
-Oh, OK, you both
have interesting jobs.
Don't fight about it.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Barbara,
here, take a look at this.
And send the results
to my office, please.
-Look, they draped stuff in
front of the editing machines.
-Hm, Payless shoes
can be uncomfortable.
-Dr. Pam Tillis.
-Aw, these exterior
patellas hurt.
[WHIRRING]
-Oops, sorry.
Thought I saw a deer in there.
-Ooh, Ooh.
-Noogie!
-Hm!
-Ease in Spirit lab shoes.
-Won't anyone give me five?
-Danger, Restroom Area?
-Uh, yeah.
A coworker has Irritable
Bowel Syndrome.
-Ah!
-I got caught in
the towel machine.
Ooh!
-Freddie Mercury
after a good beating.
-Ha, ha.
[SCREAMS]
-Ah, vapor action.
-Hm?
Do I put this on my time card?
-She did him the favor
of pre-stuffing herself
in the crawl space.
-Oh!
-Future Doctor of Chiropractic.
[WHIRRING]
-What's that noise?
His timing belt must be lose.
-Willis--
-What you talkin' 'bout?
-Dexter, we're taking
him to the [INAUDIBLE].
-I'm going back to
being the Apostle, boss.
-OK, paper work, talk!
-What is it?
You know, don't you?
-Uh?
It's a giant-faced Bruno Kirby.
[WHIRRING]
-Somebody shot the editor.
-Ha, ha.
-Shot in the lounge of
the college dormitory.
-On any given night.
-Mm.
-Ah!
Ricky!
-Whoops!
Banana peel!
-Ugh!
-The LAPD gun closet.
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
-Can I borrow your shirt?
-Let's do some crimes!
-Say uncle!
-Uncle!
-That's right.
Now gimme your lunch money.
-Freeze, damn it.
-Oh, that was dumb.
-This isn't a real movie.
It's more of a movie loaf.
-Yeah.
It's made from real movie
parts, chunked and formed.
[CHUCKLING]
-Anyway, thanks for listening.
It's just, my little arms
are kind of frustrating.
-Here, let me pick your teeth.
You've got a huge piece
of chive stuck in there.
-OK, my theory is that the
director shot the entire movie
without looking at.
-Ha, that's good!
-It's the big one!
I'm comin' Elizabeth.
-Oh, that's how you
kill an android.
You wipe a length of thin
pipe across his stomach.
[BEEPING]
-Uh-oh.
-And like spent
lovers, lay together.
-Can't count on the police.
Can't count on anybody.
-What do you want us to do?
-We can stop these
things together.
-Yeah, right.
Together.
Together means we do
all the work, right?
No.
We're outta here.
-Sit your ass down.
-The sister's right.
Nobody's gonna help us but us.
They got the neighborhood
by the balls.
-How 'bout some juice?
-Don't scare us.
-Don't scare on the
streets, either.
-That's enough.
Let 'em go.
They don't have to help
us if they don't want to.
-You saying we're afraid?
-No.
But there's gonna be a fight.
And it's gonna be bad,
and it's gonna be bloody.
-So where do we
find these things?
-Uh, sorry I'm late.
My sleeves fell off.
-Always near water.
-Water?
-Water.
-That could be a lot of places.
-Then we do it the
hard way, and we look.
-Water, obviously cut this
fence, and broke through it.
-Meanwhile, in
the African Queen,
Bogart and Hepburn pick
leeches off each other.
-Water.
-Uh, the Crips like to go
down to the reflecting pool
for their gang retreats.
-Yo, let's collect wildflowers.
-Hey, an outer vomitorium.
-Hm, thought that
was a Baby Ruth.
-Wait, it that a Clark Bar?
-Come here.
Fresh tracks.
-Oh, no, they're a day old.
They've been marked down.
-Very deep.
[GROWLING]
-Run!
-Who are they?
-I don't know.
-Get on the truck!
[GROWLING]
-I'm your puppet!
-Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Drive the car!
-Go!
Go!
-Hurry!
No!
-What the hell you
doing in my truck?
-Taxi!
-Go!
-Surge!
-Go!
-Drive!
-Look, how much
more can I drive?
There's no inherent quantity
of driving that I can increase.
If you want me to go faster,
then you need to tell me that.
[GROWLING]
-Is the character of Bob
the Friendly Security Guy
implied here?
-God, we're gonna be massacred.
-We're gonna have to
take a stand tonight.
-You will attack the trackers?
-You got something better?
-Listen, they're after me.
I will give myself to them.
-Good!
Meeting adjourned.
-Yeah.
-That's no plan.
-But they are after him.
-Can these things die?
-The Utne Reader staff.
-Yes.
-Come on, man, you're
talking heavy artillery.
We can't get anything like that.
-Mm, good coffee.
-Yes, we can.
-Is this yours?
-No, I didn't lose it.
-Aah!
-Hello.
-Uh, hello.
-Hello
-I'm Droppy the
water droplet, here
to talk to you about
water, nature's liquid.
-OK, why?
-Well, in today's
motion picture,
much was made of the
propensity of dinosaurs
to gather near water.
-I remember one line.
-And yet, sadly, water
was not featured.
-Uh, that's true, but, uh--
-And so I've been hired
by the Water Council
to dispel some of myths
being propagated, probably
by jealous solids
and semi-solids,
about this tremendously
versatile fluid.
-Oh, well--
-Now where the hell did he go?
-Hello, I'm Droppy
the water droplet.
-Yes, you are.
-Did you know that there are
literally tens of thousands
of uses for water?
Here are just a few thousand.
You can moisten
your hair with me.
And apply a commercial
grade detergent.
Lather, rinse, and repeat
for a cleaner smelling head.
-Uh, Crow, I think we're
all familiar with--
-Send me through your
lower atmosphere,
freezing me into multi-faceted
crystalline patterns.
Children will enjoy
my easy shape-ability.
Store me in huge
glass-lined tanks
and allow grains and
yeast to ferment in me.
Then, just filter, age,
and bottle me for a treat
that dads can't resist.
-There isn't any kind of order?
-Sir, I've got a lot
of these to go through.
So if you please
hold your water.
Ha, ha, ha.
The Water Council fed me
that one. [CHUCKLING] Anyway,
use me in your
cellular structure,
as an affordable building
block of life itself.
Store me, frozen, on
your inefficient roofs,
allowing portions of me to
melt and refreeze on your eaves
in beautiful, conical shapes.
-You know what?
We'll, uh, tell you what
you missed after this.
-Use me to flush
toxins from your body
and store me in your bladder.
-OK,
-Yeah.
-That's about enough.
-No more bladders.
Huh, nice, Crow.
-The mean streets of Burbank.
And Jumpy the Pusher.
-Conroy!
-Doo, doo, doo.
-I need some weapons,
some real heavy stuff.
-I got ya a Ford Pinto.
They're great weapons.
Oh, oh, wait.
Do you want to
kill other people?
-Hey, Annie.
-Hello, Chadwick.
-How's your catalog of
cheap women's apparel?
-We go back, don't we?
We go way back.
-I'm here to talk about that.
-Hold it.
OK, OK.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean nothing.
I've come to contribute.
Here.
-Here's some zucchini loaf.
-What's this?
-I found a high grade white.
-Killing dose?
-Sure to kill a
whole city block.
And there's this.
-$1 off on Tide detergent.
-Every war needs
some finance, Babe.
Who is that?
-None of your business.
-Guess you gotta take the
bad with the good, huh?
-Hm.
-Good night, sister.
-I gotta go manage a Denny's.
-Hey, Casablanca!
Would you dopple
me into that, Mike?
-Ha, ha, ha.
-Sister Suzuki Sidekick.
-Conroy.
I got the money.
Now can you help?
-Sure, Annie.
-Yeah, portions
kind of slow today.
-Fine, get in.
-OK, we'll open a Pet Smart,
here, and a Home Depot, there.
-Hm?
-Oh, it's one of those things
the cops always hit me with.
-OK.
And Waldenbooks here,
and a couple Starbucks.
-Would ya stop messing
around with that flashlight
and help us?
Cy-yeah!
-So in the future, they simply
forgot about flashlights.
-Yeah.
-These have nothing
to do with each other.
[CHUCKLING}
-It's great they got a French
Resistance fighter to help 'em.
Uh, this will have
to pass for humor.
-Until actual
humor can be found,
please enjoy this substitute.
-Uh, huh.
Great!
You getting this, Dumbo?
-Yeah, I think
this scene is over.
Yep.
The camera's still on?
Oh, crap.
Turn it off, will ya?
Pete!
-Lieutenant Nun
leads the troops.
-Wait, this is it.
-Movie sponsored by
the Plaid Council.
Plaid, it's what's for dinner.
-OK, everyone gets one
juice box, but that's all.
-I made a memorial
to your pee stain.
-Let's go.
-Plaid Avengers, ho!
-Serving 19.
Who has 19?
-Uh, suddenly he's
like Mr. Flashlight.
[CHUCKLING}
-My God!
I've found the
beginning of the movie.
-Yeah, yeah, OK.
Come this way.
We get it.
Yeah.
-There's seven dwarves
coming right at us!
-That's the most complicated
trombone in the world.
-Thanks for coming down into
my wine cellar with me, guys.
I get scared.
[GULP]
-See I could point out
that this isn't the future,
and it's not a war.
But you know me, I
don't like to complain.
-Not you, no.
-No, not me.
-No.
-Ha!
Lighting budget ran out, but
they just keep on a-filming.
-They're hunting Ed Norton.
-N B C.
-Why did Dale have to
bring his ironing board?
-Via le resistance!
-Wow!
Dinosaur's got 10K back there.
-Uh, by the way, the
wall you're seeing
wasn't the train from
the earlier scene.
So don't even think about it.
-You know, I hope they do the
bong-bong sound again, Mike.
You know, I hope
they never stop.
-Yeah.
I wish I had a huge
bong-bong right now.
-What's that light
supposed to be?
Is God outside?
-Go, go!
Go here.
Go!
-Hm?
-Come on, go.
-Come on, and go.
Go more.
And then drive.
-Go, go!
-(SINGING) Can you hear them!
They're talkin' 'bout us.
Tellin' lies.
-Go, go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Now stay.
-Hurray!
We did an awesome job of
walking down the hall!
Whoo!
-Come on, another high five!
We made it five more
feet down the hall!
Whoo!
-Jack Johnson's back, and he's
fightin' with a gun this time.
-And you brought along
the raccoon trap.
Why?
-Now when Foghorn Leghorn comes
around the corner, he's ours!
[GROWLING]
-I only wish my arms were
long enough to hold you.
[GROWLING]
-So I said, up
your Jurassic, pal!
Ha, ha, ha.
That's a good one!
-Yeah.
-Ha, ha.
Well, I should get home.
[GROWLING]
-Hey, Stan, can you
recommend a good place
to get an exploding
collar fixed?
[GULP]
[BEEP]
-Now serving nine.
-We've found him, down there.
-It's a fixed video,
without the music.
-Mm, good.
[GULP]
Robert-Claire
guards his comrades.
-(SINGING) Alouette,
gentille Alouette.
Alouette, je te plumerai.
Ya pa dumpa pa.
-So according to the
bells, it's 97 o'clock.
[SIGH]
-Well do you wanna,
I don't know.
Wanna high five me?
-We have to draw
them outta there.
-I know.
-(IN BAVARIAN ACCENT)
Can use the flashlight?
-Are you scared?
-Yeah.
-But this sauna is
helping me relax.
-Greater love hath
no man, remember.
-I do.
-He's an apprentice,
Bryan Brown.
-You really got to clean
shave this morning.
-By the way, I asked
Sister Bertrille
to give us air support
against the dinosaurs.
-Let's do this thing.
-Wow!
Right here?
I mean, right now?
I mean, I wanted to.
But, like, wow!
[BEEPING]
-Introducing new,
faster seconds.
[CHUCKLING}
-Oh sure, DSS is
easy to install.
-You get that stupid
pigeon outta there!
-A-dun-da-dun-dun.
-I, uh, I need the key
to the chest freezer.
-Ah!
Hee, hee.
Tick, tick, tick.
Little bomby.
Tick, tick, tick.
Remember?
-May your road be
paved with sausages.
-(SINGING) Why don't you ask
him if he's going to stay?
Why don't you ask him
if he's going away.
[IMITATING A HORN]
[HUMMING]
-Tusk!
[IMITATING HORN]
-(SINGING) Don't say
that you love me!
That's-- ha, ha.
-Things.
-Come on!
-Over here.
-I'm getting
extinct, do you mind?
-You should just wait until
their scales turn into feathers
and then pluck 'em.
-Hm.
-Hi!
Good to see ya, again.
-I'm on flashlight!
-Help!
[BEEPING]
-Ah, I'm just going to throw
a couple of bails of hay
while I'm here.
-Dun-dun, chuck-a-dun dun.
-And in this corner!
-Dun-dunka-dun dunka-dun,
dun dun, dunka-dun.
-Uh, huh.
As previously seen.
[SCREAMS]
-Mm, hm.
-No!
-Dinosaur super-sized it!
-Oh, the ice fishing's bad here.
-Whee!
-So they heaved a
mic stand at him.
-Ha, ha.
[BEEPING]
-Ain't it funny how
time slips away?
[GROWLING]
-Stupid mammals!
-Conroy!
Come on, they're
right behind us.
We gotta go.
Come on.
-They need more time.
-Come on, we gotta go!
-I need to buy them more time.
-Conroy!
-Take her.
Take her.
[SCOFFING]
Mm.
-Bonjour.
Aw--a merit--
-Aah!
-Boy, dressing like Che
Guevara didn't help at all.
-His careful plan,
involving putting on a beret
and rushing at the dinosaur
with a Boy Scout knife.
[GROWLING]
-It would have been much
more effective to get him
into a bath tub and then drop
a hair dryer into the water.
-Mm, hm.
-Ooh!
-The awesome power
of a 60 watt bulb.
-Yeah Now back to drug dealing.
Woo!
[BEEPING]
[GROWLING]
-Hm?
-I got better.
-Careful, that
chin might go off.
-Go get him, Sister.
Good luck, now.
[BEEPING]
-Time for a little chin music.
-Ow!
-Z'don't!
-Oo-cha!
-Am I hippie?
Chu-ah!
Ah, chu-ah!
[GRUMBLING]
-I'm fretting.
See, audience?
I'm fretting.
-Ugh!
-Oh, the doctor
says he has to wear
his glaucoma test, forever!
-Aah!
-Got ya, Z-dick.
[BEEPING]
-Aah!
Chu-ah!
-Ooh, his chin's off balance.
[BEEPING]
-Hm.
-Ooh, big zit!
Let's go beyond "Fame."
Dun-dunka-dun,
dunka-dun, dunka-doo.
-It's a 5K spaz run.
-No, slower.
Slower!
-Jog lightly out of danger.
-(SINGING CADENCE)
Dinosaurs are chasing us!
-Doo-da-doo da doo-doo-doo.
-Grab your backpack!
-Ugh!
-You know, you've got dinosaur
intestines all over you, too?
[CHUCKLING]
-Hi, I'm the director.
Please enjoy this
small, inaccurate model
of what we'd like to
imply just happened.
Thank you.
-Four days ago, a fire
fell from the sky.
-Mm, hm.
-And I though
everything it brought
would just extinguish
and burn away.
-I'm kind of dumb.
-Now for all the
questions and doubts
I had, everything
seems so clear.
-Hi, Sister Chuck.
I think the one in
the black likes me.
-In the name of the Father, the
Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen.
-Father Oliver Platt.
-Dear Sister, do you
now want to commit
to this bond of
perpetual devotion?
-Yes, I will.
-Well, can I try for a week?
you want to strive for
the perfect love of God
and of your neighbor, following
the Spirit of the gospel?
-Yeah, I guess.
-Yes, I will.
-By the grace of
the Holy Spirit,
do you want to generously
spend your whole life
in the service of God's people?
-Hm.
-You think she's gonna do it?
-No way, man.
-By the grace of
the Holy Spirit,
do you want to spend
your whole life
in the service of God's people?
-Oh, and God's car.
You'll have to care that, too.
-When he was a future slave, he
worked in the hair gel mines.
-Ah!
Years of expense of nun
training, just wasted.
-Yes, I will.
-It's Super Pope!
-Ooh.
-If the Lutherans
create a cyborg--
-It's Liberation
theology versus Opus Dei!
-Ugh!
-I open my mouth at you!
-Aagh!
Ugh!
-My shirt was knocked off.
It was knocked off, I swear!
-Wow!
He's got the longest butt
crack I've ever seen.
-Mm, hm.
-Uh-oh, call the
reconstructive urologist.
-Look at that beautiful
stained-glass window.
-They must have
had a loser bishop,
to get a basilica like this.
-I think it's just the
Arby's employee chapel.
-You still think I took
my shirt off, don't you?
-Aagh!
-Better one.
Uh, better two.
-I just want to see where
he's gonna go with this.
I'm just gonna
stand her and watch.
Oh, I see.
Well, ouch, then.
Huh?
-Future sacred statuary hater.
-Here!
-Well, now his chest is healed.
Oh, well, not it's not.
Oh, well, now it is again.
Sorry.
Oh, now it's not.
Sorry, my fault.
Oh, now it's not again.
Oh, it is.
It's not.
Oh.
[BEEPING]
-Did I make my point, there?
-Yeah, eloquently.
-Oh.
-Rip Taylor as the android.
-Huh?
-The movie that delivers
more huhs per second.
-I tried to light a votive
candle for my grandma,
and it got out of control!
This is a weird PSA for
the Catholic church.
[SIRENS] OK
-Oh, thanks.
Great nun ceremony.
-Uh, is this allowed
in the chapel?
-The ambulance is here.
[MUMBLING]
-So much to learn.
So much.
-Oh, shh.
You're gonna be all right, OK?
-I learn from you.
-Hm.
-I want--
-To play with a flashlight.
-Greater love has
no man than this.
I want to be that man.
-Well, Jesus was a
kickboxer, right?
-You are.
You are.
-You asked me if there's
a heaven out there.
And--
-Shh.
-I don't want to know.
I'm an agnostic.
-I know.
Four days ago, a fire
fell from the sky.
-We know!
-Everything he wanted
was everything I needed.
-So neither of us
actually got anything.
[PHONE RINGING]
-Hill Street Rehab.
How can I help you?
-Hello.
I'm a runaway,
and I'm all alone.
Can you help me, please?
-Gosh!
-Nice counselor picture.
-Now that passion for
living and giving life
burns deeply and
forever in my heart.
-OK.
You guys, hey, listen.
I got some really cool
I want to show you.
You just-- just
wait right here, OK?
-Um, OK.
-Just wait right there.
-So he ditched us.
-Apparently.
Hm?
-No, it's really, really cool.
Just hang on.
Hey-- hey, Servo, where's
that thing of yours?
-What thing?
-Uh, you know, could you
step it up a bit, Mike?
The actors have
really stupid names.
-Just a minute.
-Hey, Crow, look.
Just Adash, please.
-What?
-Well, I'm just
making fun of the--
-Well, don't.
-OK.
Here we go.
-Here we go, what?
-Now watch.
Watch.
Roar.
Roar.
Oo-roar.
-Uh, Mike, why are you growling?
-It's a giant dinosaur, see?
[GROWLING]
-I don't get you, Mike.
-I don't see a--
-It's forced perspective.
By being over here, I can make
this toy dinosaur look huge.
See.
-Over where?
-Oh, oh, hell.
There you are.
What are you doing with my toy?
-Uh, I'm demonstrating
forced perspective.
-Oh, how nice for you.
-Oh, don't be so sardonic.
It's neat.
Look, you can bite your head--
-OK, Mike.
Uh, let's humor you.
It is neat.
-Hm?
-Well, sure it is.
And you can do it with
all kinds of things.
Why, uh, heck, if you wanted,
you could make a giant wrench.
-Oh!
-Oh, look out, you two.
Oh, a giant wrench.
-So it's a wrench,
only really big.
-A big wrench.
-Great.
-Yeah, and look, uh, what was
once an ordinary set of pinking
shears becomes the
sort of a crocodile.
Roar, oh!
-Ha, ha.
Clever.
-Crocodile, yeah.
-Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Isn't that neat?
And look.
You know, your
little toy rabbit?
-Yeah?
-It becomes the star of
Night of the Leapest.
-Mike, what's all
this really about?
Come on.
This is because Joel stopped
by recently, isn't it?
-It's Joel, right?
-No, now, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
There's more.
With forced perspective, this
Precious Moments figurines
looms as large as the
Statue of Liberty.
-You know, he has a point, Crow.
-No.
No, no.
He has no point.
Don't encourage him.
-Hey, and-- and children look.
Here comes the Gamera.
The Gamera is friends
to all children.
-Have you seen his medication?
-No, I think he's off it, again.
-Oh, no.
-And finally, Servo's
chew toy looks just
like the Satellite of Love.
See?
-Huh!
-Well, hey, hey!
There you go.
That's the spirit, Servo.
You've made yourself
into Giant Servo,
destroyer of whole cities.
-Uh, Mike, actually,
I'm still over here.
-Oh.
Oh, yeah, there you are.
What, uh--
[ROARING]
-Aah!
Aah!
It's a giant Servo!
Run!
-Help, it's a giant Servo!
Oh, no!
A horrible giant Servo!
Run for your life, Mike!
-Head for the hills, Mike.
Run!
-Aah!
-Run!
-Woo hoo!
That's it, you poor sap.
-Hoo, we stuck him bad!
-Oh, man!
-Good one, Tom.
Uh, how did you manage
the effects so well?
-Well, what do you mean?
-I mean, how do you operate the
other head while you sit there?
-You know, I was just about
to ask you the same question.
-Oh, you were?
-Uh, huh.
[ROARING]
-OK, back away very
slowly and run!
-Ow, ow, ow!
-Hi, it's me, Tom Servo.
Don't try to figure it out.
Hell, I got at
least a dozen of me.
Uh, Goodnight.
-Hee, hee, hee, hee.
Grrr!
-Whee!
Fun!
-Hi, guys.
Huh!
Notice anything?
-Uh, huh, sure, Mike,
-I'm wearing a funny chin.
-Uh, look.
Just stop, would ya?
-But I can't.
It's big, and it's funny.
I have a big chin.
I have a big chin.
-Don't you even
care how insulting
you are to the
thousands of people
out there who have big,
prosthetic, foam chins?
-Hm?
Nope.
You know why?
Because I have a big chin!
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
It's big.
-Sorry, everyone.
Uh, Pearl's calling,
you insensitive cow.
-Oh, watch this.
Roar!
I'll use my chin!
Ugh!
Say!
-Good, good, good, good.
Results show this film
causes bizarre behavior
without the use
of hallucinogens.
Brain Guy, send this
report to the Institute.
-I don't follow you, my friend.
No way.
-We're going on the road.
-Too true, fair lady.
Our sound is tight,
you know, mellow?
Bobo's lyrics are
pure poetry, man!
-Yes.
We're opening the Moby Grape
Reunion Tour at Santa Cruz.
-Oh!
You are?
-Um.
-How nice.
Well, I have some parting
gifts for both of you.
These are handmade
love necklaces,
so as you both have something
special to remember me by.
-Oh.
-Pearl, you are too, too
solid for this world, man.
-Bobo, hit me with some lyrics.
-(SINGING) Like a duck in
the sand I am yours to--
[EXPLOSION]
-Ugh!
-Now they're eight miles high.
[THEME MUSIC]
[THEME MUSIC]
distant future, somewhere
in time and space, Mike
Nelson and his robot pals
are caught in a nasty place.
They try to survive the wrath
of Pearl, just an evil gal who
wants to rule the world.
From her castle below,
she sets her sights above,
just to torture all the captives
on the Satellite of Love.
Get me down!
I'll send him cheesy movies.
The worst I can find.
La, la, la.
He shall have to sit
and watch them all,
and I'll monitor his mind.
La, la, la.
Now keep in mind,
Mike can't control
where the movies begin or end.
La, la, la.
He'll try to keep his sanity
with the help of his robot
friends.
[BUZZ]
Robot roll call--
Cambot-- you're on.
Gypsy-- Oh, my God!
Tom Servo-- check me out!
Croooooow, I'm different!
If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes,
and other science facts--
la, la, la-- please
repeat to yourself
it's just a show,
I should really just relax for
"Mystery Science Theater 3000.
I should really just relax for
"Mystery Science Theater 3000.
-OK, 26 columns, Enter.
Hi, everyone.
Welcome to the SOL.
Uh, lately, Gypsy's been
wondering if she's once, uh,
twice, uh, maybe even
three times a lady.
-As a woman, I'm
naturally curious.
-Um, hm.
Right.
So Crow, here, came up
with a spreadsheet program
that'll answer
that very question.
-OK.
Uh, using Senator Dianne
Feinstein as a baseline--
-Since she is exactly
one time a lady.
-Right.
We entered Gypsy, there.
And the answer is,
you're 2.7 times a lady.
-Ooh!
-Oh, no.
That's not bad.
Sure, Winona is
3.3 times a lady.
-Hoo, hoo.
-But Nina Totenberg
is only 2 and 1/2.
-Yep.
-And Melissa Etheridge
is, ooh, well, pretty low.
Julia Anderson,
herself is only a 2.9.
-Wow!
-Yes.
Hey!
Look at this!
It says that Mike, here,
is eight times a lady!
-What?
What I am even doing in there?
-Whoa, let me take a
look at you, there, Mike.
Ooh, yeah.
I see It.
-Cut it out.
-I see it.
-Uh, we'll be right back.
I'm no times a lady.
-Say, what are you doing
with your fine self
on Saturday, huh?
-I am not a lady.
Not at all.
-I'm seeing it.
-Not even a little.
-Mike, relax.
Even being 100 times a
lady isn't a bad thing.
-Well, you should
know, you big woman!
[SPITTING]
-What 's that supposed
to mean, ya giant lady?
-Tah-- well, ya-- ya oughta--
-Lady!
-Now, speaking of
ladies, uh, sort of, uh,
what you got for us, Pearl?
-Oh, hi.
Uh, Mike, is it?
Anyhoo, nothin' much
going on around here,
except the government
has asked me
do some secret LSD
tests on robots.
OK, the government's
not really involved.
They're just my
secret LSD tests.
Now, Brain Guy
sent up some stuff
so I can monitor the results.
-Right on!
-Eh-eh-eh-eh, Mike, do Pearl
a little favor and hook up
the video and coax
cables so I can monitor
the robots' hallucinations.
-Uh, OK, Pearl, looks
like we're set up here.
-Now, I'm not going
to tell you how
you'll be ingesting the LSD.
It's a secret?
Who wants vegetables?
You do!
You do!
Hey, Brain Guy.
[POP]
-Now to heighten the
effect, Bobo and Brain Guy
have come up with their
own little garage band
to play some of the
psychedelic music
that all the kids are
talking about these days.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give
you "Narcotic Casserole."
Now let's see what's going
on in those little pea
brains of yours.
[GURGLING]
-Mm.
OK.
We've got our vegetables
here, so, uh, let's
switch it to video feed.
Hm?
[DISTORTED MURMURINGS]
-Servo!
Servo!
Are y-- what a nightmare.
Are you OK?
-What, th-- that?
No, Mike, that's
what I see every day.
Heh, heh, heh, heh.
-Got it.
Let's check in on Crow, here.
How ya doing?
-Mm.
Beta-carotene.
Mm.
Plenty of fiber.
Mm.
Powerful hallucinogens.
-Ooh.
OK, uh, let's
switch to video now.
-Ooh, uh, oh, no!
Uh, ee-ee.
Uh, uh, heh, heh--
before it was a Milky
Way, now-- now it's a Snickers!
-Hm?
-Make it stop,
Make it stop, Bro.
-It's gonna be OK.
I'm--I'm gonna talk ya down.
It'll be OK.
-Snickers!
Milky Way!
Argh!
Argh!
It's scary!
-It's all right.
It's all right.
-Scary!
-Thanks a lot, Pearl.
-Yeah, Pearl.
I hope you're happy.
-Whah-ah-ah-ah!
-I am happy.
Robot misidentified candy bar.
Now, your movie
today is a little tab
of orange sunshine
called "Future War."
We have a word for
this kind of film
in the illicit pharmacology
business-- crap!
-Oh, oh!
[LAUGHING]
-What?
[CROW LAUGHING]
-Crow, you're
hallucinating a clown.
Ha, ha.
Y--you mean you're
not a clown, or--
-No, well--
[ALARM BEEPING]
-We got movie sign!
-Movie sign.
-Go!
Go!
-Oh, boy.
Whew!
-Feel better, Crow?
-My shirt sleeves are
around here, somewhere.
-Making a bad movie?
That's two weeks in
solitary confinement.
[LIQUID DRIPPING]
-Is that you leaking, Crow?
-Uh, no.
-This place looks like a maze.
-We call it a corn.
-Look over there.
-Hm?
You make such a big deal
out of feeding the chickens.
-Let's go.
-Why'd you make
your hot tub so big?
-We found 'em.
Down there.
-Let's get 'em.
I'm right behind you, Ann.
-So you'll cushion my fall.
-Uh, can I be in
your movie, too?
-It's a clown loft.
People just keep
coming out of it.
[GULP]
-Welcome to Pipe World.
All we do are pipes,
and we do them well.
-Three lesbians on
a dangerous mission.
[GULP]
-Hold on, man.
I got ya.
-Sorry, my calf just rolled
up like a window shade.
-It's very deep.
-Oh, they set a
gullible moron trap.
-Mom just sent us to the
basement for more pickles.
I didn't know it
would be this hard.
-Our pretending there's a hole
there is going really well.
Hey, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme.
-Nah. it's more like
Jean-Claude Gosh Darn.
-Yeah.
-Am I Ving Rhames?
I can't remember.
Hmm.
-Four days ago, a
fire fell from the sky
and it brought a man who
would change my life forever.
-Deepak Chopra.
-But also came a pack of
dinosaur-like creatures--
-For cute.
- --in various ages, shapes,
sizes, and its masters.
-Hmm?
What?
-Ha.
-For all the questions
I had about the heavens,
all it brought
was hell on earth.
-All the bras were
hell on earth?
-I don't know if that's what--
-Hey, listen!
Is that a heartbeat?
-Hmm.
-Oh, no, I'm sorry,
that's a love beat.
-Yeah.
-Hey, we got flashlights
and a dark space.
Let's make a movie.
[SCOFFS]
-So what are you guys
doing after whatever
we're doing, here?
You want to go to
Applebee's or--
-Remember, we don't have
hall passes, so be careful.
-Ah, ha, ha, ha!
-Rock'em, Sock'em Dinosaurs.
-Mine's not cooked through.
-Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Argh!
-She's gargling with fright.
-Hurry!
Hurry!
-String.
Oh, I see string.
-So it wasn't a giant meteor.
It was a Daisy Air Rifle
that killed the dinosaurs.
-Jerry!
No!
He was three days
away from retirement!
Wah!
[GULP]
-Let's go!
-You know, half this movie has
been people's butts on ladders.
[SCREAM]
[CHUCKLES]
-Dino, no!
Hm?
-In association with Bob
Tet Offensive Productions.
-Ah, they're promising
entertainment,
but I'm not that optimistic.
Wait, another movie has started.
-Dust Buster Galactica!
-Maybe this is an anthology
of short plotless movies.
-Could be.
-So?
[CHUCKLES]
-Traveling at a moderate
15 miles per hour,
we made our way
safely through space.
-Oh, Z'No!
-A place!
-Here to sing his
Top-10 country hit.
[DOOR CREAKING]
-Hey, it's William
Conrad's CAT scan machine.
-Whew!
-Yeah!
-Formerly of Kazja Goo-goo.
-You think.
Well, they sent the
ship up, but they
forgot to put in astronauts.
-Names without Z's in 'em?
What the hell?
Aw!
[SNORING]
-The spaceship is handicap
accessible, that's nice.
-Yeah.
Hmm.
-Patrick, wait!
Come back and be in the movie!
-Oh, now.
[WHIRRING]
-I am a camera.
Ah!
There's a Z. We're
back on track, now.
[YELLING AND WHIRRING]
-Uh, we're still
building the set.
Keep the credits going!
[WHIRRING]
-My bra strap broke.
[WHIRRING]
-Oh, he's the French
country singer.
-Yeah, he's usually teamed
with Guillaume Tubbs.
[WHIRRING]
-Hey, he's comin' into
the theater, Mike.
-It's be a lot more special
if we new who the hell he was!
-Mm!.
-Yeah, Arlan H. Bullsh--
-OK, OK.
Ah, I had a bottle
of Dom Magwilli once.
It was overrated.
[POP]
(SINGING) Romeo was restless, he
was ready to production design.
[ROCKET BLAST]
-Gesundheit.
-Hm?
Creature effects-- hopefully,
this doesn't mean Alf.
-It's the face of a snow
monkey heading at us.
[IMITATING A MONKEY]
-I'm gonna ignore this credit.
Just gonna look
away till it's gone.
-It's still there.
You can look.
-OK.
-OK.
[WHIRRING]
Two first names from Van Halen.
Coincidence?
-Mm, yes.
-Yeah.
-Oh.
Save the Neutrogena bar.
[IMITATING ENGINE]
-This movie is crediting
the entire United
States, person by person!
-Ew, awkward initials.
-Yeah.
[HUMMING INTRO MUSIC] Do-da-do.
Not a very good tent.
-See, this is what happens
when you de-regulate credits.
Tall, man!
-Yeah.
-Whew.
After making a couple of
rest stops along the way.
-And-- withdrawals
from Earth's banks.
Gerbils, well, they pretty
much remained gerbils.
Questions, please
refer to the addendum.
-And now, ooh, "Heaven is a
Place on Earth," the movie.
-Future Wax.
-Uh, War.
-Oh, yeah.
Heh, heh.
Sorry.
Do-do-do-do-do.
Hm?
-Aw, cute little
credits, don't be shy.
Come on up here.
-Come on, come on.
-Come on up. [KISSES]
-I'm having a secret
storm right now, Mike.
Uh, don't tell anyone.
-OK.
-Three Mile Island
All-inclusive Resort.
-Write 'em.
-Ugh, it's tough swimming
in this part of the ocean.
[GROWLING]
-A giant chicken.
Bawk!
-Wow!
He's gonna need a big bag to
pick up after his dinosaur.
-I'm telling!
You got a pet on the beach!
-Wow, they lit this
with a KFC heat lamp!
-Chuck Wepner's point of view.
[WHIRRING]
-Later, in Houston, or Portland,
or some crappy hole of a town--
-Hey, it's Mike!
Oh, no.
-Santa Claus hits the skids.
-Oh!
-It's kind of an
ineffective beer commercial.
-Give me back my beer!
-Hm?
-Aah!
-Aah!
-Aah!
-Aah!
[YELLING]
-Well, I'd better get
back to the office.
[GROWLING]
-Huh?
Oh.
[CHUCKLES] I warn you,
my meat is very stringy.
[GROWLING]
-This has got be
kinda the last danger
you think of when you're
living in a dumpster.
-Yup!
-He's a Cute-a-saurus.
-Ooh, he's being attacked
by a Schnauzer in a dinosaur
costume.
-Aah!
-Ooh!
-Wow!
Well, that was easy.
-Yeah.
-Maybe it was butterflies
that wiped out the dinosaur.
-Tap dogs.
[METAL CLANGING]
-Ooh!
No wonder fossils are so rare.
-I'll disguise myself as a box.
Must look corrugated and square.
[HUMMING]
-Ooh!
-Thank you.
Wow, being a scab
for UPS is hard.
[WHIRRING]
-Alan Jackson in a
very special cameo.
-It's a weird,
threatening clown.
-Hey, they got good stuff
here at the police auction.
[WHIRRING]
-Van-damme it!
[WHIRRING]
-Brain Guy looked like
this in high school.
Heh, heh.
-Damn binocular trick.
[SCOFFS]
-Aah!
Ugh!
-Geez, I'm sorry I
killed your dinosaur.
I didn't know he was a pet!
-Ugh!
-Boxes of air, shipped anywhere
in the world over night.
-Boing!
Boing!
-Oh, he's got clown white
all over his fist now.
-I don't know, maybe they
ship fully inflated balloons
overseas.
[CHUCKLES]
-World's grouchiest mime.
-He's "boxed" in.
-Yeah, well, I'm "card-bored."
[CHUCKLES]
-Shut up, you two.
-Ugh!
Be honest, am I wearing
too much eyeliner?
[WHIRRING]
-So he sees considerably
worse than humans.
-Hm, hm.
-I like the Randy
Johnson-model cyborg.
-The Fed-Ex/DHL wars continued
well into the next century.
[GRUNTING]
-Don't come in yet.
-The truth about
radial keratotomy.
-Hiya!
-Hiya!
-Whoo-wa!
-Cardboard boxes aren't working.
Try throwing a piece of
paper or a cottonball.
-Yeow!
-Aah!
This is hard to watch, because
I care about them both so much.
-I care about the boxes.
I mean, why should innocent
freight have to suffer?
-He looks better without makeup.
-Yeah.
He's so pretty.
He really doesn't need it.
[GRUNTS AND MOANS]
-Battle of the guys who
peaked in high school.
-Hiya!
-[GURGLING]
-Ugh!
I got point of
view vertigo, here.
-My trained weiner
will finish you off!
-Aah!
-Merengue!
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo.
-I'll just wait till
you're done twirling, then.
-Hm, hm.
-(YELLING) Packers!
-So these guys are
Kung-Fu fighting.
[CHUCKLES]
-Da-da da da da.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
-My bell collection!
-Aah!
Uh-- ah?
Mama!
-The largest attempt ever
to lock in freshness.
-This part was
filmed through soup.
-Hm!
Kim Wilde could do a video here.
I'm all moved in, but I'm
still living out of boxes.
[GROWLING]
-He's using sense memory.
-And actor prepares-- to suck!
-He studied under
Lee Strasberg's car.
-He's read Uta Hagen's "Respect
for Acting-- Like an Imbecile."
-Hm, yeah.
You know, he should
probably throw an empty box,
just to keep from getting rusty.
[GROWLING]
-I'm doing the
making-out-with-myself gag,
and no one's here to enjoy it.
[GROWLING]
-Hey, where did I
pack the can opener?
-I continue to remain cold.
-Oh, the warehouse covered
everything in vinyl
so no one sits on
their good boxes.
-Hm, do I have something in
my teeth? [MUNCHING SOUNDS]
-All right, there should be
a delay-of-movie penalty,
right about now.
-[WHISTLE] 15 yards.
-Kool-Aid vision!
[GROWLING]
-Nothing, nothing.
I don't hear you, dinosaur.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la.
I don't hear ya!
-You know, this dinosaur
used to rule Hollywood.
Now Spielberg won't
return his calls.
-Mm, said.
Yeow!
That hurts!
-Ha, ha, ha.
-Killed by a pencil!
-Lay that ham up there.
-OK, but, uh--
-There we go.
-There's the new
legs, but I don't
think they're gonna
be very functional.
-That's OK.
Thanks, Mike.
Hello folks.
You may be wondering why I'm
not kickboxing right now.
I apologize.
You have every right to
expect constant kickboxing.
But the truth is, until
recently, I had no legs.
However, I've just remedied that
by actually making myself some.
Ha, ha!
So get ready for some
hot kickboxing action!
The first poor schmo
who comes along
is going to get a taste of my
Ashley Judd-like kickboxing
wrath!
-(SINGING) You shook
me all night long.
-Ah! a challenger!
-Hi, Tom.
-Ha!
You dare to oppose me,
strange top-heavy purple one?
-What?
-Prepare to be kickboxed
by my new legs.
-I don't want to fight, Tom.
I'd like you.
-You will fight, coward!
[STRAINING] Gosh dang it!
Come on legs!
-They're pretty, new legs, Tom.
-Fawning flattery
will not help you!
[STRAINING] Dumb,
stupidity, sticky legs!
Oh, agh, whoa!
Oh, boy!
Oh, jeez.
Aw, just a temporary setback.
I'll--
-Do you need help, Tom?
-No!
No, get-- aah.
Aah!
Whew!
There, now stop your
pathetic delaying tactics.
I insist you fight me, weakling!
-Well, if you want.
OK, Tom.
-Huh?
Oh-- oh, boy!
-Hiya!
-Look-- ow!
-Sorry.
-I thought you didn't
have legs, either.
-Just made it today.
Neat, huh?
We'll be right back.
I should make another one.
-Oh!
[GASP]
-Ha!
Wow.
Sister Vehicular Homicide.
-Oh, great!
Third time this week.
I'll just a note on him.
-Thank god, he's alive.
Can somebody help me?
Please, somebody help me!
-Help me, Sister Roscoe.
-Fred!
Oh, Fred.
-I'm all flibbertigibbet.
-In the car-- a man.
[PANTING]
-Hair weave doesn't
blend in that well.
-There's an injured man in car.
He needs our help.
-Hey, Oscar, we need
your help outside.
-I'll loan him some flesh.
-Ann?
Long time no see.
-She's wearing a
maternity habit.
-You van is under
arrest for not having
a scene painted on the side.
-The van must be having
emissions problems.
It's blackened the
lower atmosphere.
-Hey, what have we got?
-A homeless guy with
his throat ripped out.
-By what?
-Who cares?
-Figure mountain lion,
grizzlies come out
of the hills in search of food.
Found this poor
bastard, instead.
-Great.
Just great.
Has anybody called the
Humane Society, the zoo?
-They're sending
some people out.
-Captain, we've
got something here.
-We found part of a burger.
I want to know if
I could eat it?
It's not that dirty.
Split it with ya.
-We found this.
-What the hell made that?
-That's your shadow, boss.
-Jesus, I think I
should be wearing a tie.
Ow!
-Oh, my gout.
-Ow.
-I mean, don't give
me a hard time.
OK?
-Uh, I think you broke a bone.
-I mean, what is this bull?
-Hm?
-I mean, no special favors.
-OK.
Anything you say.
-And watch that language.
-OK, OK.
-OK, so now you don't like
my cooking, Sister. challenge
[CHUCKLING]
-Oh, I don't know.
I'm just not hungry.
Thanks for cooking.
-Hey, I have some
nice, chocolate cake,
some mocha almond ice cream.
-Hey, I'll have some.
-No, thanks.
I think I'll pass.
-It's a halfway
house for huge guys.
-This is worse than I thought.
-There's no butter in my coffee.
-You're at home now, Annie.
So what's going on?
-Whoa!
That's what's going on!
-OK, let's see.
I'll take his wallet,
and his Echinacea, oh,
and his goat cheese.
Should I?
Yes, I'll take his '70s watch.
-You know, maybe I'm-- maybe
I'm not meant for this.
Maybe I'm meant
for something else.
-Maybe.
-Sister Superior says that
I'm having a crisis of faith.
[IMITATING BELCHING]
-Maybe.
-Well, what do you think?
-Uh, I think I like
the Haagen Dazs better.
-Maybe.
-Come on!
I'm looking for some
counseling, here, Fred.
-Hey, I cut the meat, you know?
Personally, I think you're
getting a little stupid
about that kid that
bought the farm.
-Hm?
-Remember Jimmy Ho?
Remember Lena Melcher?Ca
-I heard about Terry.
-Mink stole!
-Sorry.
-How's our guest?
-Unconscious.
Look what I found.
-Calista Flockhart's belt.
-Hm?
Maybe he was into some
kind of bondage thing.
-Smart guy.
I patched up what I
could without x-rays.
I'll know more tomorrow.
-Well, why don't you
have a seat, nurse?
-Yeah, come on.
Sit down.
-Nah, no time.
I gotta get back to the clinic.
Terrible habit, girl.
-Hey, not on the floor!
-It's good to have
you back, Ann.
-Thanks.
-I'll stop by
after my shift, OK?
Bye.
-Bye.
-Hey, you want something, Max?
-Uncle Fred says you
don't have a husband.
Uncle Fred says, you should sh--
you're gonna shave your head
and turn into a penguin.
-Hm?
-A penguin?
-Can I watch?
-It was a metaphor.
-He says you don't
know what you're doing.
He says--
-Max, it's time
you got to bed now.
Go brush your teeth.
Go on.
Say goodnight.
-Goodnight.
-Goodnight, Mom and Dad.
-You're right, you know.
-Aw, come on, Annie.
I was just talking.
-I mean, two days
ago, I was so sure.
-And what?
Today you don't know nothing?
-It's hard being a
nun with a family.
-Look, when we met, you
were hiding from a pimp.
You had just did a
month in the joint.
You were suicidal and addicted.
-And you threw it all away.
-Keeping you in here was hard.
-When Lena was killed by some
guy wired up on the drugs
he bought from me.
-Aw, come off it, Annie.
-It's like I pulled the trigger.
-But you didn't.
He did.
You came here.
You got clean.
You helped other girls off
the junk and off the street.
-Hmph!
-That means something, Annie.
-It means great service
and low, low prices.
-[SIGH] I was a great hooker.
[SIGH]
-I'm gonna go up north
and visit and aunt.
-She lives on an "aunt" farm.
-Can you take care of that guy?
-Listen, kid.
Everything's gonna
work out just fine.
You'll see.
-Uh, what if God was one of us?
-I hope so.
-Promise Margarine--
a new kind of spread.
-Our guest is awake?
-Yep.
-How's he doing?
-OK.
I couldn't talk to him.
English, Spanish,
he doesn't talk.
But I think he understands.
I left him in the day-care room.
-Hm.
Let's go have a look.
-They must go through a lot
of zoobas in this house.
-Mm, hm.
-And maybe he can tell us
what this thing is for.
-Yeah.
-Where are you going?
-I'm gonna go to
my room and pack.
I want to get on
the road by 12:00.
-Oh, no.
Aren't you gonna stay and
help us with this guy?
He's yours.
-Yeah, Sister, come on.
You're good at this kinda thing.
-They don't get the
all-kickboxing station.
-Sorry, I ate your
breakfast on the way in.
[MUSIC]
-It's hard to sample
off the radio.
-Mm.
[STATIC]
-[IMITATING_PASSINGóGAS]
Oh, sorry.
That's not very
appetizing, is it.
-I just thought of a
great joke from Nun-sense.
-Good thing we
switched places, there.
-Hi, there.
I'm Fred.
That's Romero.
And that's Sister Ann.
-I assume you've met
your corn with pimentos?
-Hey, man, what's your story?
-A Macy's balloon.
Oh, it's you.
Hi.
-You understand English?
-Ah, he's going to fit right in.
-[CHUCKLING] All his
pants are low-riders.
Do-do-do-do do-do do-do
do-do-do do do-do-do.
[FAINT RADIO RECEPTION]
-Where's that light station
that everyone can listen to
at home, in the car,
or at the office?
-Well, who's up for a snack?
-Too huge dinosaurs!
Uh, oh.
It's those guys.
-Leave me alone with him.
-Oh, This guy might be a psycho.
-And, um-- what do you think?
He's gonna open up
with you in there?
-Well, why not?
I'm a likable guy.
-The sad thing is, they're
all former prostitutes.
-Fred, give me the collar.
-You just say the word, I'll
be right outside the door.
-It was fun to be
here for a while,
but now let's go in there again.
-It must be Minneapolis, he
can't find a good station.
[CHUCKLING]
-German?
Dutch?
Huh?
-Hm?
-Hey, you like the-- the
pictures in the magazines?
-What other random
thing can I say?
Lamp?
Elephants in the streets?
-That sounds like a great place.
-[SIGH] Is this yours?
-I'm going to wear it
to the rave, tonight.
-Hang your crappy
art high on the wall.
-This is a con!
You can hear us, and I
think you understand us.
-Us being me and the lamp.
-Do you want to give us a break?
-Hm, that bass.
Somewhere, Seinfeld
must be starting.
-Guess not.
[SMACKING LIPS]
-Well, enjoy.
-I don't think I will enjoy,
if it's all right with you!
-Great Warren Moon impression.
Hm?
-Mm, hm.
-Well, thank you
for not killing me.
-They should make a
Hallmark card for that.
-Hm?
Hm.
-Hey, you're the same
size as my Alsatian.
-Oh!
Oh.
There's-- there's something
wrong with your throat.
Yeah.
You can understand us, but--
but you can't talk, right?
Is that it?
Is that it?
-No, I'm just choking ya.
-When I nod my head
like this, I mean yes.
OK?
Yes?
-And when I shake my
head no, I mean no.
Right?
-Yes!
Yes!
-We're all out of steak.
-Where are you from?
-Hm?
-Hey, maybe you can write.
OK.
Um-- A.
-Yes, Ass wuh-- ass--
-It's not even ass, Servo.
-Oh.
-Go on.
[PRONOUNCING ABC'S PHONETICALLY]
-Not a clue!
-You've got a lady
weight lifter cleavage.
-Hey, the map.
Let's see, here?
Huh?
Are you from here?
-Canary Islands?
Morocco?
New Jersey?
Hong Kong?
Sauk Rapids?
What?
-Here?
[MOANING]
-Ehh.
Oh, you're from Ehh!
-Ehh.
-I live in your air vent!
-I'm soory, I-- I
just-- oh, oh, up here?
-Ungh!
-You thick woman!
Man!
-What happened?
We were batter dipping.
-Hi, my name is Max.
-Ah, I'm your toy.
Pleased to meet you.
MALE SPEAKER (FROM TOY): Hi.
My name is Max.
-Hm?
Ungh!
Ugh!
-Where are you going?
-I'm going to go visit
an aunt I have, up north.
I just came to say goodbye.
-Ungh!
-So, goodbye.
Hey, don't worry.
They're gonna take
good ca-- hey!
Well, maybe now you can
tell me where you come from.
-[GROWLING]
-You--
-[GROWLING]
- --here, I com--
[SIGH] I'm sorry.
I--
-I wasn't done!
-I.
-I'm sorry.
-The son of Moe Howard.
-I'll hit you so hard with
this, you'll go flying that way,
and--
-Me, me.
-Max, did you show
him any space videos?
-Yeah.
-Hey, did you know
your sprinkler was on?
-Are all nuns so stupid?
-I--
[GROWLING]
-Aah!
-Damn, Bumpus's dinosaurs?
[CHUCKLING]
-Save the meatloaf!
[SCREECHING]
-Yeah, this happens
a couple times a day.
[GRUNTING AND MOANING]
-No!
They're my friends.
-Run.
Must run!
-Amway!
[SCREAMS]
-Whaa!
-Hey, it's a full
aspirin out tonight.
-Ugh!
Glad the dinosaur got the kid.
Really distracted him.
-Oh!
God!
Thank you.
[GROWLING]
-I think we've outrun them.
-You are a penguin?
-No, I'm a puffin!
-No, I'm a Sister,
not a penguin.
-You know, one of
the Sledge girls.
You know, how is it
you know English today,
when you didn't know
English yesterday?
-Not bad screenwriting, really.
-It was hard for me
to understand him.
[SCOFFS]
Huh?
-For all the
problems I had, maybe
I just didn't want
to be a part of his.
He explained to me how
quickly he could learn.
How his vocal cords needed to
adjust to speak our tongue.
And--
-You sure?
- --he had heard
our words before.
-Go ahead.
-His eyes were so honest, but
still, there was a part of him
that I didn't trust.
And who are you?
-A tool.
-I'm a box wrench.
-And you come from?
-Uh, just let me check
the wind and I'll tell ya.
-Never mind.
[TRAIN SIGNAL SOUNDING]
-Train's bringing in
food for the roommates.
-Well, I suppose one of
us has to play harmonica.
-Want A little
convent-issued pot, here?
-Could you chew it and
regurgitate it for me?
-Oh, I needed that jerky.
-You're human.
-And you're putting up with me!
-I am tool.
-Call me Snap-On.
-And you're from up there.
-The Pagam.
The first were harvested from
this world, like trackers
long ago.
-I preferred his grunting.
-We are used to build,
because we have these.
-Hamburglar finger puppets!
-The Master do not have these.
-They can make their own thumbs,
but they just don't want to?
-They want us to do the work.
-Yeah, I knew a few
pimps in my time.
-Pimps?
-Did you know Rooster?
-You wouldn't understand.
Like the Bible says, my
thoughts are not your thoughts.
-Neither are your ways
my ways, says the Lord.
-Jack Lord.
-This is a con.
-No, no, no, no.
No, no trick.
No lie.
-How does an alien-bred human
know quotes from the Bible?
-In the world where
I am from, in a place
where the tools are
kept, are unsketched
with words-- a phrase
told in darkness.
I have heard your
language before.
-Um, hm.
-Well, um, explain this
so I can understand it.
-Why are we on this train?
-This place was the most
important story-- our dream,
our heaven.
And now--
-Our gang.
- --I'm free.
-He was so honest.
I explained to him
about the heavens.
I was studying to become a nun.
-Um, hm.
-But now I'm having
second thoughts.
-I'm Mary.
This is my story.
-When I was younger,
I ran away and I
have a past that
I'm not proud of.
-That's why I kept a scrapbook!
-I found the church.
And they helped me.
But just recently, a
friend of mine, um,
died of a drug overdose.
-Pepcid AC.
[CHURCH BELLS RINGING]
-I blame myself for her death.
I know know, I feel
somehow responsible.
-I guess that's why I
blame myself for the death.
-Yeah, I made her
swallow a pound of coke.
She was yelling, please
stop, but still--
-Hm.
-The only thing that keeps me
going is my "All-Bells" CD.
-Hey, you know what, guys?
-Hm?
-We have been remiss.
-Ah, I know what
you're thinking.
-Yeah, you know, we have
never, like in the movie,
thanked Pearl for
not killing us.
Not once.
-Well, let's do it.
Right now!
-Yeah.
Uh, hello, Pearl?
-Satellite killer
launch, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2--
-Yeah?
What?
-Well, uh, Pearl, uh, I don't
know how else to say this.
Uh, thank you for
not killing us.
-Yeah.
Right!
-Huh?
Well, that's OK.
Ha, ha, I would never kill--
Brain Guy, kid, get over here.
-What?
What?
What?
What?
Oh!
Hello.
-Well, you know, things get
pretty tense between us.
And what with one thing
or another, I mean,
you could easily have killed us.
-And you didn't do that.
So--
-So, thanks.
[TAPPING COMPUTER KEYS]
-Really, that's OK.
Uh, I guess I just take it for
granted that I would never--
[TAPPING COMPUTER KEYS]
-How do you turn the rocket?
-First you say you
want to kill them.
Then you say you don't
want to kill to kill them.
-Well, I--
-I mean, what am
I supposed to do?
- --can't kill them now.
Really, don't think a
second thing about it.
-Well, we will have to kill
Mike in the box, today.
Ugh!
-Um, anything else
you guys want to add?
-Mm, I don't think so.
-Just, thanks, for
not killing us.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's OK.
Don't worry about it.
-But-- but-- but aren't
you killing them now?
-Shh!
-But they're thanking
you for not killing them,
but you're killing them.
And they-- ooh!
Ooh!
I'm killing.
[TAPPING ON COMPUTER KEYS]
-There!
Ready.
-Well, I guess that's about it.
Just, thanks for not--
[EXPLOSION]
-Aah!
-Ooh!
-Hey!
-Yeah, you tried to kill us!
-What the--
-No!
I didn't.
No!
Never.
-Yes, you did.
Ooh!
-Well, I just think
this changes everything.
I suppose there's other times
you tried to kill us, too!
[ALARM SOUNDING]
-Oh, now we have movie signs.
Can I even trust that?
I don't know!
-Sister Ann, are you all right?
-I can't believe this!
-Yeah.
I mean, wow!
-Ever since yesterday,
at the burial,
I've been asking myself--
-How much to undertakers make?
- --what I missed.
-You didn't miss
anything, my dear.
It wasn't your fault.
-How come I wasn't taken?
-Because you weren't.
And that's that.
-So shut your trap!
-I don't know if I'm gonna
take my final vows next week.
-I have a nail appointment.
-Because of Terry Jo?
That's what this is--
-You knew what I was
before I came here.
-Hm?
-Sister William looks concerned.
-Well, you had a record.
So did Mary Magdalene.
-I was a whore doing
tricks in back allies.
-Sister Ann.
-I sold drugs.
-Sister Ann, that was then.
-This was then, too.
It's weird.
-I'm very proud of you now.
-You bring in a lot of
cash to the convent.
-I'm not.
-Well, then we have a
problem, here, don't we?
-She was smart, Sister.
Good, tough--
-She was built Ford tough.
-Sister--
-I should have been there
for her when she needed me.
-Sister Ann, why don't
you take the weekend--
-Go out to the
track, or something.
- --visit your
friends and family.
Though perfection is not
one of the requirements,
faith is, Sister.
Do you believe in signs?
-I believe in "yield
from [? right."
-I guess I do.
-Really?
I-- I don't know what to say.
I thought you were
gonna say, no.
-Keep your eyes open.
-You can't trust these nuns.
-God always answers prayers.
-But only from Catholics!
-We'll take a brief break
from my flashback, now.
-What about the tracker?
What happens now?
-The tracker will
rest, then go back--
-What was I talking about?
- --to where it first found us.
-Is he talking about a warwolf?
-I don't believe this!
(IMITATING TWEETY
BIRD) Dis is a city.
12 million puddy tats.
-Are you going back?
-Yes.
-But the tracker
has your scent now.
-Tough!
-He'll have to deal with it!
-If I go with you,
it will find me.
-Well, then you better
get back on the train.
-Say, by the way,
what is "KISS"?
-I do not understand.
-This is something I have to do.
I'd like to give you
some big words of wisdom,
but I just don't have any.
My mind's blank.
You do what you have to do.
Goodbye.
-We don't have a permit
to shoot on curb.
(IMITATING STEVE MARTIN)
Am I a wild and crazy guy?
What are you doing?
-Doing what I believe to.
-Is that OK at you?
-And what's that?
-Going with you.
-Look, let's get this straight.
I work alone.
-I nun outta my home.
-Alone!
By myself!
I want to be alone!
-Better is a neighbor that is
near than a brother far off.
-Oh, that's from one of
them "Chicken Soup" books.
-I don't want to
talk about this.
-Would you button my shirt?
-I'm going to call
Sister Gary and see
if she can cover my shift.
[PHONE RINGING]
RECORDING: The number you have
reached is not in service.
-Oh, Vatican!
Pay you phone bill!
-Heaven's a mess, isn't it?
-I don't know.
I like it.
"The Alien and the
Nun," this fall on CBS.
-How many people
got murdered today?
Huh?
Or raped?
Beaten?
Oh, missing?
-You're upset.
-Yeah, I'm upset.
-Didn't my acting convey that?
-But you want to
help your friends.
-And that's different,
I know them.
-You don't know me.
You helped me.
Greater love has
no man than this;
than a man lay down his life--
-Heard it!
- --for his friend.
-Ugh!
I got to get outta here.
-Should we be worried
about our friends?
-That is what I want to be.
-What?
-A man.
-You are a man.
-No.
I mean, greater love.
that kind of man.
-Well, you better be
careful what you wish for.
-Sister Mary Despair.
-Ah, life is good!
I live in Maui and I
got a "Monster" mag.
Ha, ha.
[GROWLING]
-(SINGING DRUNKENLY) Wasted
away again in Margaritaville.
-Ew!
He has the live, supple
figure out James Doohan.
[GROWLING]
-A man was snapped at by a
forced-perspective puppet,
today.
-We're going on the assumption
that some animal out
of the hills has
gone on a rampage.
-Hm, hm.
-The body found
here at Third Street
makes four deaths in six hours.
This creature knows
where it's going.
I want cars posted
all along this route.
-Make 'em all Tercels.
-Stay in close radio
contact at all times.
Let's go.
[GULP]
-Is God out there?
-He is (SHOUTING)
out there, man!
Whew!
-God of Gods, and King of Kings.
-You don't even know what
you're saying, do you?
-[GIBBERISH]
-You don't.
-[GIBBERISH]
-What's out there?
Is heaven out there?
-Earth is heaven.
-Thanks to Olestra.
-And the Supreme Being is what?
-Well, it's not Earl Holliman.
-Handlers-- masters.
-No, no, no, no.
Not them.
Greater than them.
-(WITH BAVARIAN ACCENT) What
is your word for boring?
-Ha!
If the movie's dragging,
then they show us soccer.
Good!
-Soccer's my game.
I've no arms, ya see!
-Aah!
-Aah!
[PHONE RINGING]
-Puffy Hat Police.
-Western Division,
Officer Fry speaking.
How may I help you?
-Hello.
-This is Mail Boxes Etc,
people really need our boxes!
FRY (ON PHONE): Stay calm, sir.
-Help us, please!
-Heh, heh.
-Man, why did we take
the train to Sacramento?
-Uh, I'm supposed to get
you folks back in the movie.
OFFICER (ON RADIO): 10-4,
Unit 41K, 905D in progress.
Fifth Street Warehouse.
Code 3.
-It's the world's
most put-upon nun.
-THIS IS Boris Becker
reporting live!
-This is WCNG reporter--
[LAUGHING]
- --reporting to you live from
the Fifth Street warehouse,
where there has been a
reported animal attack.
-Ha, ha.
-Ted Nugent helps out!
-More updates as they occur.
-Thanks for playing reporter
and camera guy with me.
I think the cardboard
camera's working good.
-Oh, ho.
OFFICER (ON RADIO): Captain,
there are employees still
in the plant at the
back of a store room.
-He's reporting
over a baby monitor.
-Joey, lead in
the tactical team.
You take the point.
-Eh!
You know, I have unbridled
enthusiasm for boxes, Mike.
You know that.
-Sure.
-But even I think
they've overdone
the box theme in this movie.
-Um, hm.
-OK, boxes, if you have any
inserts, throw 'em out now.
-But I really do like boxes.
-Yeah.
-Just call me Bruce Box-liker.
Heh!
-Oh!
-Please?
-Uh, I don't think so.
-OK.
-Ugh, Mandy Patinkin's gonna
do a concert back there.
-Hey, Joey, Captain
wants to know
if you've spotted that bear yet?
[LAUGHING]
-No, no, sir.
-Try a pick-a-nick
basket, Boo Boo.
-Hm?
-Where's the rest
of my SWAT team?
Am I just a SWAT guy?
-I just found a
blood stain, sir.
It looks fresh.
-And I've tried
scrubbing them out.
CAPTAIN (ON RADIO): You
sure it's not ketchup?
-No, sir.
It's real.
-Focus on, uh, Polaris.
-And the Arctic Cat.
-What happened?
You two, follow me.
-They were transferred
to a Costa-Gavras film.
OFFICER (ON RADIO): All
patrols, Northeast corner.
-Your lights are on.
-Uh, Anybody got bloody
glove we could plant?
-Sweet Jesus.
-Leo.
-Reminds me of the
time Chief Gates
chunked all over headquarters.
-Ooh!
-Sometimes tools will run.
When the trackers catch
them, it's like this.
-So, uh, Wally, you
need a doctor, or--
[GUNFIRE]
A dinosaur is skeet
shooting off the port bow!
[GROWLING]
-Hey, it's coming back.
-Hm?
-The movie that
pushes over boxes.
-Don't shoot.
Floyd's behind him.
You might hit each other.
-I've got Floyd.
-Can you kill it with that?
-Yeah. here.
Cut here.
It's the softest place.
-Ew!
-How long?
-In just a moment.
-Don't miss.
-This is how
dinosaurs see plaid.
-This is a case
where parents should
have crushed a child's dream
of becoming a film maker.
-Mm, you're right.
-So when you edit it, it will
look like I stabbed him, right?
-I was coming to warn you.
An asteroid-- ugh, uh!
-Ha, ha.
SWAT guy who's dead must be
feeling pretty dumb right now.
-Yeah.
[BEEPING]
-That's mine.
I got it.
-Get down!
-Oh!
I had a woodchuck do
to this to me, once.
-Ha!
-Well.
-Captain Polaris?
[CHUCKLING]
-Captain Polaris?
-Captain Polaris.
-Are you there?
Captain Polaris?
-We got the bastard, Sergeant.
-We've got a situation here.
-What do you mean,
you've got a situation?
-Ha, ha.
-I mean, we've got more
monster sightings in the city.
-What do you mean?
-More?
How could there be more?
-They come in packs.
-Or cartons.
-They're after me.
They will continue to hurt
people until they find me.
Bring me to them.
-Otis, Smitty, place
this man under arrest.
-Hey, he just saved you, and
everybody in the building,
from that thing.
-That's right.
-He's not a criminal!
-He won't run away this time.
Now, if you'll excuses us,
Sister Ann, your friend's
got some questions to answer.
-Hey, how did you
know who I was?
-Fred Burroughs
told us how he got
you got you to give him a ride.
But don't worry,
you're free to go.
-Wh--
-Fred Burroughs.
Somebody look in your
Rolodex for a Fred Burroughs.
-Hm, Fred Burroughs.
-Fred Burroughs.
-Well, let's see now.
-Fred Burroughs?
-(SHOUTING) Fred Burroughs!
Help me!
-A skinny Belgian idiot
was arraigned on charges
early today.
-Well, I am Belgian.
-Hey, the LA Police got
themselves a boom box!
And a copier!
-Ooh!
-Ha, ha.
MAN (ON RADIO): --sources have
noted a freak accident has cost
a number of wild animals
to escape from the zoo.
They're extremely dangerous.
[IMITATING MONKEYS]
[SNORTING]
-Ooh, just wait until Fred
Burroughs get here, man!
Yeah!
-Well, haven't had
Hardee's in over an hour.
-They don't care
about us, Annie.
They just cut us loose.
-In fact, everybody
cut footloose.
-Is Terry Jo's
brother still running
with the 12th Street gang?
-Yeah.
-Can you set up a
meeting with me?
-What for?
-You're such a nun.
-So he can shoot me.
-Ha, ha, ha, ha.
We're sharing a vague moment.
Ha, ha.
-Ladies and gentlemen,
Fred Burroughs!
-Oh, OK.
-We're number one!
-Based on a play by
Terrence McNally.
-Shaa!
-Hm?
Maybe he is Tom of Finland.
-Could be.
-Hey, hey, little pal,
where'd my thumb go?
-Cha!
Cha!
-Cha-cha, cha!
-He's beating up his memories.
-Cha!
-Cha!
Cha!
Cha!
He's warming up to sing
the big country song.
-Sure.
-Cha!
Cha!
Cha!
Cha!
Cha!
Cha!
[GROWLING]
-Ah, pretty soon he's
gonna be flashing back
to the beginning
of the flashback.
-Chaa!
-That pretty much
brings us up to speed.
-Thank you, Soloflex.
-Well, I'm all Cha'ed out.
-I wonder if I get body
waxing privileges in here?
-The things my stereo came
packed in, fly through space.
-A Mark Seven production.
-So?
-Oh, good, another large guy.
The movie was needing one.
[CHUCKLING]
-Yep.
-Oh, their stair climbing
lessons seem to be going well.
-Hm?
Beat it!
Beat it- it!
Uh!
-You got something to say to me?
-I'm sorry I took
your parking space.
-Sorry about Terry Jo.
-He was a good python.
-Anything else?
-I'm sorry.
-She had deep
thoughts, you know?
-Is he a Sister Hazel, Mike?
-Nah, I don't think so.
-I need your help.
-For what?
-I need to borrow your tuke.
-Monsters in the 'hood.
-Hm.
-Meanwhile, in the life of
a basement-dwelling computer
nerd-- but I've never mind that.
Let's go here.
-These are things.
They exist.
-Wow!
-So, Dr. Tanaka, what's
your honest opinion?
-What's there not to believe?
A race of transplanted humans
bred on another planet.
One of them escapes, returns
to his ancestral world.
And these dinosaurs
and their masters
are here to bring him back.
Personally, I think he's nuts.
-Detective Alan Thicke.
-I've seen these
dinosaurs, Doctor.
They're real.
Maybe his story is real, too.
-Captain!
-Federal agents, we're
taking over this case,
as of right now.
-But my puffy hair!
-Under whose authority?
-National Security, Captain.
You are hereby
relieving of this case
and ordered to
leave the room, now.
-I'm taking this to
the Commissioner!
-Why, if this door wasn't just
a flat panel, I'd [MUMBLING].
-I don't believe this!
-Can you explain this?
-They're photographs.
-I said, can you explain this?
-They're trackers.
-When the tracker was killed,
what happened to his body?
-It self-destructed so
they leave no trace.
-Trice?
-Trice.
-Like this?
-Dee Snyder's dance belt!
-You look so human.
-I'm a man.
-In my particular relationship.
-So you say.
-Sorry, this nipple
ring is hard to remove.
-Well?
-It appears to be a
transmitter of some kind.
I'm taking it to the lab.
-Would you all leave
the room, please?
-So you want to get my
polyp while you're at it?
-I apologize for
this humiliation.
It's my job.
-I have a job, too.
I'm a tool.
-My life is my job.
-Mine too.
-Oh, OK, you both
have interesting jobs.
Don't fight about it.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Barbara,
here, take a look at this.
And send the results
to my office, please.
-Look, they draped stuff in
front of the editing machines.
-Hm, Payless shoes
can be uncomfortable.
-Dr. Pam Tillis.
-Aw, these exterior
patellas hurt.
[WHIRRING]
-Oops, sorry.
Thought I saw a deer in there.
-Ooh, Ooh.
-Noogie!
-Hm!
-Ease in Spirit lab shoes.
-Won't anyone give me five?
-Danger, Restroom Area?
-Uh, yeah.
A coworker has Irritable
Bowel Syndrome.
-Ah!
-I got caught in
the towel machine.
Ooh!
-Freddie Mercury
after a good beating.
-Ha, ha.
[SCREAMS]
-Ah, vapor action.
-Hm?
Do I put this on my time card?
-She did him the favor
of pre-stuffing herself
in the crawl space.
-Oh!
-Future Doctor of Chiropractic.
[WHIRRING]
-What's that noise?
His timing belt must be lose.
-Willis--
-What you talkin' 'bout?
-Dexter, we're taking
him to the [INAUDIBLE].
-I'm going back to
being the Apostle, boss.
-OK, paper work, talk!
-What is it?
You know, don't you?
-Uh?
It's a giant-faced Bruno Kirby.
[WHIRRING]
-Somebody shot the editor.
-Ha, ha.
-Shot in the lounge of
the college dormitory.
-On any given night.
-Mm.
-Ah!
Ricky!
-Whoops!
Banana peel!
-Ugh!
-The LAPD gun closet.
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
-Can I borrow your shirt?
-Let's do some crimes!
-Say uncle!
-Uncle!
-That's right.
Now gimme your lunch money.
-Freeze, damn it.
-Oh, that was dumb.
-This isn't a real movie.
It's more of a movie loaf.
-Yeah.
It's made from real movie
parts, chunked and formed.
[CHUCKLING]
-Anyway, thanks for listening.
It's just, my little arms
are kind of frustrating.
-Here, let me pick your teeth.
You've got a huge piece
of chive stuck in there.
-OK, my theory is that the
director shot the entire movie
without looking at.
-Ha, that's good!
-It's the big one!
I'm comin' Elizabeth.
-Oh, that's how you
kill an android.
You wipe a length of thin
pipe across his stomach.
[BEEPING]
-Uh-oh.
-And like spent
lovers, lay together.
-Can't count on the police.
Can't count on anybody.
-What do you want us to do?
-We can stop these
things together.
-Yeah, right.
Together.
Together means we do
all the work, right?
No.
We're outta here.
-Sit your ass down.
-The sister's right.
Nobody's gonna help us but us.
They got the neighborhood
by the balls.
-How 'bout some juice?
-Don't scare us.
-Don't scare on the
streets, either.
-That's enough.
Let 'em go.
They don't have to help
us if they don't want to.
-You saying we're afraid?
-No.
But there's gonna be a fight.
And it's gonna be bad,
and it's gonna be bloody.
-So where do we
find these things?
-Uh, sorry I'm late.
My sleeves fell off.
-Always near water.
-Water?
-Water.
-That could be a lot of places.
-Then we do it the
hard way, and we look.
-Water, obviously cut this
fence, and broke through it.
-Meanwhile, in
the African Queen,
Bogart and Hepburn pick
leeches off each other.
-Water.
-Uh, the Crips like to go
down to the reflecting pool
for their gang retreats.
-Yo, let's collect wildflowers.
-Hey, an outer vomitorium.
-Hm, thought that
was a Baby Ruth.
-Wait, it that a Clark Bar?
-Come here.
Fresh tracks.
-Oh, no, they're a day old.
They've been marked down.
-Very deep.
[GROWLING]
-Run!
-Who are they?
-I don't know.
-Get on the truck!
[GROWLING]
-I'm your puppet!
-Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Drive the car!
-Go!
Go!
-Hurry!
No!
-What the hell you
doing in my truck?
-Taxi!
-Go!
-Surge!
-Go!
-Drive!
-Look, how much
more can I drive?
There's no inherent quantity
of driving that I can increase.
If you want me to go faster,
then you need to tell me that.
[GROWLING]
-Is the character of Bob
the Friendly Security Guy
implied here?
-God, we're gonna be massacred.
-We're gonna have to
take a stand tonight.
-You will attack the trackers?
-You got something better?
-Listen, they're after me.
I will give myself to them.
-Good!
Meeting adjourned.
-Yeah.
-That's no plan.
-But they are after him.
-Can these things die?
-The Utne Reader staff.
-Yes.
-Come on, man, you're
talking heavy artillery.
We can't get anything like that.
-Mm, good coffee.
-Yes, we can.
-Is this yours?
-No, I didn't lose it.
-Aah!
-Hello.
-Uh, hello.
-Hello
-I'm Droppy the
water droplet, here
to talk to you about
water, nature's liquid.
-OK, why?
-Well, in today's
motion picture,
much was made of the
propensity of dinosaurs
to gather near water.
-I remember one line.
-And yet, sadly, water
was not featured.
-Uh, that's true, but, uh--
-And so I've been hired
by the Water Council
to dispel some of myths
being propagated, probably
by jealous solids
and semi-solids,
about this tremendously
versatile fluid.
-Oh, well--
-Now where the hell did he go?
-Hello, I'm Droppy
the water droplet.
-Yes, you are.
-Did you know that there are
literally tens of thousands
of uses for water?
Here are just a few thousand.
You can moisten
your hair with me.
And apply a commercial
grade detergent.
Lather, rinse, and repeat
for a cleaner smelling head.
-Uh, Crow, I think we're
all familiar with--
-Send me through your
lower atmosphere,
freezing me into multi-faceted
crystalline patterns.
Children will enjoy
my easy shape-ability.
Store me in huge
glass-lined tanks
and allow grains and
yeast to ferment in me.
Then, just filter, age,
and bottle me for a treat
that dads can't resist.
-There isn't any kind of order?
-Sir, I've got a lot
of these to go through.
So if you please
hold your water.
Ha, ha, ha.
The Water Council fed me
that one. [CHUCKLING] Anyway,
use me in your
cellular structure,
as an affordable building
block of life itself.
Store me, frozen, on
your inefficient roofs,
allowing portions of me to
melt and refreeze on your eaves
in beautiful, conical shapes.
-You know what?
We'll, uh, tell you what
you missed after this.
-Use me to flush
toxins from your body
and store me in your bladder.
-OK,
-Yeah.
-That's about enough.
-No more bladders.
Huh, nice, Crow.
-The mean streets of Burbank.
And Jumpy the Pusher.
-Conroy!
-Doo, doo, doo.
-I need some weapons,
some real heavy stuff.
-I got ya a Ford Pinto.
They're great weapons.
Oh, oh, wait.
Do you want to
kill other people?
-Hey, Annie.
-Hello, Chadwick.
-How's your catalog of
cheap women's apparel?
-We go back, don't we?
We go way back.
-I'm here to talk about that.
-Hold it.
OK, OK.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean nothing.
I've come to contribute.
Here.
-Here's some zucchini loaf.
-What's this?
-I found a high grade white.
-Killing dose?
-Sure to kill a
whole city block.
And there's this.
-$1 off on Tide detergent.
-Every war needs
some finance, Babe.
Who is that?
-None of your business.
-Guess you gotta take the
bad with the good, huh?
-Hm.
-Good night, sister.
-I gotta go manage a Denny's.
-Hey, Casablanca!
Would you dopple
me into that, Mike?
-Ha, ha, ha.
-Sister Suzuki Sidekick.
-Conroy.
I got the money.
Now can you help?
-Sure, Annie.
-Yeah, portions
kind of slow today.
-Fine, get in.
-OK, we'll open a Pet Smart,
here, and a Home Depot, there.
-Hm?
-Oh, it's one of those things
the cops always hit me with.
-OK.
And Waldenbooks here,
and a couple Starbucks.
-Would ya stop messing
around with that flashlight
and help us?
Cy-yeah!
-So in the future, they simply
forgot about flashlights.
-Yeah.
-These have nothing
to do with each other.
[CHUCKLING}
-It's great they got a French
Resistance fighter to help 'em.
Uh, this will have
to pass for humor.
-Until actual
humor can be found,
please enjoy this substitute.
-Uh, huh.
Great!
You getting this, Dumbo?
-Yeah, I think
this scene is over.
Yep.
The camera's still on?
Oh, crap.
Turn it off, will ya?
Pete!
-Lieutenant Nun
leads the troops.
-Wait, this is it.
-Movie sponsored by
the Plaid Council.
Plaid, it's what's for dinner.
-OK, everyone gets one
juice box, but that's all.
-I made a memorial
to your pee stain.
-Let's go.
-Plaid Avengers, ho!
-Serving 19.
Who has 19?
-Uh, suddenly he's
like Mr. Flashlight.
[CHUCKLING}
-My God!
I've found the
beginning of the movie.
-Yeah, yeah, OK.
Come this way.
We get it.
Yeah.
-There's seven dwarves
coming right at us!
-That's the most complicated
trombone in the world.
-Thanks for coming down into
my wine cellar with me, guys.
I get scared.
[GULP]
-See I could point out
that this isn't the future,
and it's not a war.
But you know me, I
don't like to complain.
-Not you, no.
-No, not me.
-No.
-Ha!
Lighting budget ran out, but
they just keep on a-filming.
-They're hunting Ed Norton.
-N B C.
-Why did Dale have to
bring his ironing board?
-Via le resistance!
-Wow!
Dinosaur's got 10K back there.
-Uh, by the way, the
wall you're seeing
wasn't the train from
the earlier scene.
So don't even think about it.
-You know, I hope they do the
bong-bong sound again, Mike.
You know, I hope
they never stop.
-Yeah.
I wish I had a huge
bong-bong right now.
-What's that light
supposed to be?
Is God outside?
-Go, go!
Go here.
Go!
-Hm?
-Come on, go.
-Come on, and go.
Go more.
And then drive.
-Go, go!
-(SINGING) Can you hear them!
They're talkin' 'bout us.
Tellin' lies.
-Go, go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Now stay.
-Hurray!
We did an awesome job of
walking down the hall!
Whoo!
-Come on, another high five!
We made it five more
feet down the hall!
Whoo!
-Jack Johnson's back, and he's
fightin' with a gun this time.
-And you brought along
the raccoon trap.
Why?
-Now when Foghorn Leghorn comes
around the corner, he's ours!
[GROWLING]
-I only wish my arms were
long enough to hold you.
[GROWLING]
-So I said, up
your Jurassic, pal!
Ha, ha, ha.
That's a good one!
-Yeah.
-Ha, ha.
Well, I should get home.
[GROWLING]
-Hey, Stan, can you
recommend a good place
to get an exploding
collar fixed?
[GULP]
[BEEP]
-Now serving nine.
-We've found him, down there.
-It's a fixed video,
without the music.
-Mm, good.
[GULP]
Robert-Claire
guards his comrades.
-(SINGING) Alouette,
gentille Alouette.
Alouette, je te plumerai.
Ya pa dumpa pa.
-So according to the
bells, it's 97 o'clock.
[SIGH]
-Well do you wanna,
I don't know.
Wanna high five me?
-We have to draw
them outta there.
-I know.
-(IN BAVARIAN ACCENT)
Can use the flashlight?
-Are you scared?
-Yeah.
-But this sauna is
helping me relax.
-Greater love hath
no man, remember.
-I do.
-He's an apprentice,
Bryan Brown.
-You really got to clean
shave this morning.
-By the way, I asked
Sister Bertrille
to give us air support
against the dinosaurs.
-Let's do this thing.
-Wow!
Right here?
I mean, right now?
I mean, I wanted to.
But, like, wow!
[BEEPING]
-Introducing new,
faster seconds.
[CHUCKLING}
-Oh sure, DSS is
easy to install.
-You get that stupid
pigeon outta there!
-A-dun-da-dun-dun.
-I, uh, I need the key
to the chest freezer.
-Ah!
Hee, hee.
Tick, tick, tick.
Little bomby.
Tick, tick, tick.
Remember?
-May your road be
paved with sausages.
-(SINGING) Why don't you ask
him if he's going to stay?
Why don't you ask him
if he's going away.
[IMITATING A HORN]
[HUMMING]
-Tusk!
[IMITATING HORN]
-(SINGING) Don't say
that you love me!
That's-- ha, ha.
-Things.
-Come on!
-Over here.
-I'm getting
extinct, do you mind?
-You should just wait until
their scales turn into feathers
and then pluck 'em.
-Hm.
-Hi!
Good to see ya, again.
-I'm on flashlight!
-Help!
[BEEPING]
-Ah, I'm just going to throw
a couple of bails of hay
while I'm here.
-Dun-dun, chuck-a-dun dun.
-And in this corner!
-Dun-dunka-dun dunka-dun,
dun dun, dunka-dun.
-Uh, huh.
As previously seen.
[SCREAMS]
-Mm, hm.
-No!
-Dinosaur super-sized it!
-Oh, the ice fishing's bad here.
-Whee!
-So they heaved a
mic stand at him.
-Ha, ha.
[BEEPING]
-Ain't it funny how
time slips away?
[GROWLING]
-Stupid mammals!
-Conroy!
Come on, they're
right behind us.
We gotta go.
Come on.
-They need more time.
-Come on, we gotta go!
-I need to buy them more time.
-Conroy!
-Take her.
Take her.
[SCOFFING]
Mm.
-Bonjour.
Aw--a merit--
-Aah!
-Boy, dressing like Che
Guevara didn't help at all.
-His careful plan,
involving putting on a beret
and rushing at the dinosaur
with a Boy Scout knife.
[GROWLING]
-It would have been much
more effective to get him
into a bath tub and then drop
a hair dryer into the water.
-Mm, hm.
-Ooh!
-The awesome power
of a 60 watt bulb.
-Yeah Now back to drug dealing.
Woo!
[BEEPING]
[GROWLING]
-Hm?
-I got better.
-Careful, that
chin might go off.
-Go get him, Sister.
Good luck, now.
[BEEPING]
-Time for a little chin music.
-Ow!
-Z'don't!
-Oo-cha!
-Am I hippie?
Chu-ah!
Ah, chu-ah!
[GRUMBLING]
-I'm fretting.
See, audience?
I'm fretting.
-Ugh!
-Oh, the doctor
says he has to wear
his glaucoma test, forever!
-Aah!
-Got ya, Z-dick.
[BEEPING]
-Aah!
Chu-ah!
-Ooh, his chin's off balance.
[BEEPING]
-Hm.
-Ooh, big zit!
Let's go beyond "Fame."
Dun-dunka-dun,
dunka-dun, dunka-doo.
-It's a 5K spaz run.
-No, slower.
Slower!
-Jog lightly out of danger.
-(SINGING CADENCE)
Dinosaurs are chasing us!
-Doo-da-doo da doo-doo-doo.
-Grab your backpack!
-Ugh!
-You know, you've got dinosaur
intestines all over you, too?
[CHUCKLING]
-Hi, I'm the director.
Please enjoy this
small, inaccurate model
of what we'd like to
imply just happened.
Thank you.
-Four days ago, a fire
fell from the sky.
-Mm, hm.
-And I though
everything it brought
would just extinguish
and burn away.
-I'm kind of dumb.
-Now for all the
questions and doubts
I had, everything
seems so clear.
-Hi, Sister Chuck.
I think the one in
the black likes me.
-In the name of the Father, the
Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen.
-Father Oliver Platt.
-Dear Sister, do you
now want to commit
to this bond of
perpetual devotion?
-Yes, I will.
-Well, can I try for a week?
you want to strive for
the perfect love of God
and of your neighbor, following
the Spirit of the gospel?
-Yeah, I guess.
-Yes, I will.
-By the grace of
the Holy Spirit,
do you want to generously
spend your whole life
in the service of God's people?
-Hm.
-You think she's gonna do it?
-No way, man.
-By the grace of
the Holy Spirit,
do you want to spend
your whole life
in the service of God's people?
-Oh, and God's car.
You'll have to care that, too.
-When he was a future slave, he
worked in the hair gel mines.
-Ah!
Years of expense of nun
training, just wasted.
-Yes, I will.
-It's Super Pope!
-Ooh.
-If the Lutherans
create a cyborg--
-It's Liberation
theology versus Opus Dei!
-Ugh!
-I open my mouth at you!
-Aagh!
Ugh!
-My shirt was knocked off.
It was knocked off, I swear!
-Wow!
He's got the longest butt
crack I've ever seen.
-Mm, hm.
-Uh-oh, call the
reconstructive urologist.
-Look at that beautiful
stained-glass window.
-They must have
had a loser bishop,
to get a basilica like this.
-I think it's just the
Arby's employee chapel.
-You still think I took
my shirt off, don't you?
-Aagh!
-Better one.
Uh, better two.
-I just want to see where
he's gonna go with this.
I'm just gonna
stand her and watch.
Oh, I see.
Well, ouch, then.
Huh?
-Future sacred statuary hater.
-Here!
-Well, now his chest is healed.
Oh, well, not it's not.
Oh, well, now it is again.
Sorry.
Oh, now it's not.
Sorry, my fault.
Oh, now it's not again.
Oh, it is.
It's not.
Oh.
[BEEPING]
-Did I make my point, there?
-Yeah, eloquently.
-Oh.
-Rip Taylor as the android.
-Huh?
-The movie that delivers
more huhs per second.
-I tried to light a votive
candle for my grandma,
and it got out of control!
This is a weird PSA for
the Catholic church.
[SIRENS] OK
-Oh, thanks.
Great nun ceremony.
-Uh, is this allowed
in the chapel?
-The ambulance is here.
[MUMBLING]
-So much to learn.
So much.
-Oh, shh.
You're gonna be all right, OK?
-I learn from you.
-Hm.
-I want--
-To play with a flashlight.
-Greater love has
no man than this.
I want to be that man.
-Well, Jesus was a
kickboxer, right?
-You are.
You are.
-You asked me if there's
a heaven out there.
And--
-Shh.
-I don't want to know.
I'm an agnostic.
-I know.
Four days ago, a fire
fell from the sky.
-We know!
-Everything he wanted
was everything I needed.
-So neither of us
actually got anything.
[PHONE RINGING]
-Hill Street Rehab.
How can I help you?
-Hello.
I'm a runaway,
and I'm all alone.
Can you help me, please?
-Gosh!
-Nice counselor picture.
-Now that passion for
living and giving life
burns deeply and
forever in my heart.
-OK.
You guys, hey, listen.
I got some really cool
I want to show you.
You just-- just
wait right here, OK?
-Um, OK.
-Just wait right there.
-So he ditched us.
-Apparently.
Hm?
-No, it's really, really cool.
Just hang on.
Hey-- hey, Servo, where's
that thing of yours?
-What thing?
-Uh, you know, could you
step it up a bit, Mike?
The actors have
really stupid names.
-Just a minute.
-Hey, Crow, look.
Just Adash, please.
-What?
-Well, I'm just
making fun of the--
-Well, don't.
-OK.
Here we go.
-Here we go, what?
-Now watch.
Watch.
Roar.
Roar.
Oo-roar.
-Uh, Mike, why are you growling?
-It's a giant dinosaur, see?
[GROWLING]
-I don't get you, Mike.
-I don't see a--
-It's forced perspective.
By being over here, I can make
this toy dinosaur look huge.
See.
-Over where?
-Oh, oh, hell.
There you are.
What are you doing with my toy?
-Uh, I'm demonstrating
forced perspective.
-Oh, how nice for you.
-Oh, don't be so sardonic.
It's neat.
Look, you can bite your head--
-OK, Mike.
Uh, let's humor you.
It is neat.
-Hm?
-Well, sure it is.
And you can do it with
all kinds of things.
Why, uh, heck, if you wanted,
you could make a giant wrench.
-Oh!
-Oh, look out, you two.
Oh, a giant wrench.
-So it's a wrench,
only really big.
-A big wrench.
-Great.
-Yeah, and look, uh, what was
once an ordinary set of pinking
shears becomes the
sort of a crocodile.
Roar, oh!
-Ha, ha.
Clever.
-Crocodile, yeah.
-Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Isn't that neat?
And look.
You know, your
little toy rabbit?
-Yeah?
-It becomes the star of
Night of the Leapest.
-Mike, what's all
this really about?
Come on.
This is because Joel stopped
by recently, isn't it?
-It's Joel, right?
-No, now, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
There's more.
With forced perspective, this
Precious Moments figurines
looms as large as the
Statue of Liberty.
-You know, he has a point, Crow.
-No.
No, no.
He has no point.
Don't encourage him.
-Hey, and-- and children look.
Here comes the Gamera.
The Gamera is friends
to all children.
-Have you seen his medication?
-No, I think he's off it, again.
-Oh, no.
-And finally, Servo's
chew toy looks just
like the Satellite of Love.
See?
-Huh!
-Well, hey, hey!
There you go.
That's the spirit, Servo.
You've made yourself
into Giant Servo,
destroyer of whole cities.
-Uh, Mike, actually,
I'm still over here.
-Oh.
Oh, yeah, there you are.
What, uh--
[ROARING]
-Aah!
Aah!
It's a giant Servo!
Run!
-Help, it's a giant Servo!
Oh, no!
A horrible giant Servo!
Run for your life, Mike!
-Head for the hills, Mike.
Run!
-Aah!
-Run!
-Woo hoo!
That's it, you poor sap.
-Hoo, we stuck him bad!
-Oh, man!
-Good one, Tom.
Uh, how did you manage
the effects so well?
-Well, what do you mean?
-I mean, how do you operate the
other head while you sit there?
-You know, I was just about
to ask you the same question.
-Oh, you were?
-Uh, huh.
[ROARING]
-OK, back away very
slowly and run!
-Ow, ow, ow!
-Hi, it's me, Tom Servo.
Don't try to figure it out.
Hell, I got at
least a dozen of me.
Uh, Goodnight.
-Hee, hee, hee, hee.
Grrr!
-Whee!
Fun!
-Hi, guys.
Huh!
Notice anything?
-Uh, huh, sure, Mike,
-I'm wearing a funny chin.
-Uh, look.
Just stop, would ya?
-But I can't.
It's big, and it's funny.
I have a big chin.
I have a big chin.
-Don't you even
care how insulting
you are to the
thousands of people
out there who have big,
prosthetic, foam chins?
-Hm?
Nope.
You know why?
Because I have a big chin!
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
It's big.
-Sorry, everyone.
Uh, Pearl's calling,
you insensitive cow.
-Oh, watch this.
Roar!
I'll use my chin!
Ugh!
Say!
-Good, good, good, good.
Results show this film
causes bizarre behavior
without the use
of hallucinogens.
Brain Guy, send this
report to the Institute.
-I don't follow you, my friend.
No way.
-We're going on the road.
-Too true, fair lady.
Our sound is tight,
you know, mellow?
Bobo's lyrics are
pure poetry, man!
-Yes.
We're opening the Moby Grape
Reunion Tour at Santa Cruz.
-Oh!
You are?
-Um.
-How nice.
Well, I have some parting
gifts for both of you.
These are handmade
love necklaces,
so as you both have something
special to remember me by.
-Oh.
-Pearl, you are too, too
solid for this world, man.
-Bobo, hit me with some lyrics.
-(SINGING) Like a duck in
the sand I am yours to--
[EXPLOSION]
-Ugh!
-Now they're eight miles high.
[THEME MUSIC]
[THEME MUSIC]