Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 11, Episode 3 - Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders - full transcript

♪ In the not too distant future

♪ Somewhere in time and space

♪ Mike Nelson and his robot pals

♪ Are caught in a nasty place

♪ They try to survive
the wrath of Pearl

♪ Just an evil gal who
wants to rule the world

♪ From her castle below,
she sets her sights above

♪ Just to torture
all the captives on
the Satellite of Love

- Get me down!

♪ I'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst I can find, la la la

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all

♪ And I'll monitor
his mind, la la la

♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control

♪ Where the movies
begin or end, la la la

♪ He'll try to keep his sanity

♪ With the help of
his robot friends

♪ Robot roll call

♪ Cambot, you're on

♪ Gypsy, oh, my stars

♪ Tom Servo, check me out

♪ Crow, I'm different!

♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♪ And other science
facts, la la la,

♪ Just repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show

♪ "I should really just relax"

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000

[doors clang shut]

- Little guy, you'll be fine.

Oh, hi, everyone.

Welcome to the
Satellite of Love.

As you know, we like to be as
trendy as possible, up here,

so lately we've gotten
into 1920s college pranks.

I'm taking care of
swallowing goldfish,

and Servo, here, is
stuffing phone booths.

- Oh, man, I got my face
stuck in my own armpit, here.

Whew!

Why didn't anybody tell
me I smell like puta?

- Oh, and Crow's into
the flagpole sitting,

I'd better check on him.

How's it going up there, Crow?

- I'm cold and I'm lonely.

Haven't I set the record, yet?

- Yes, if the old
record was 37 seconds.

[Servo laughs]

- I just can't
take it, any more.

The isolation, I'm coming
down, guys, I just gotta--

- Whoa, whoa, be careful.
[Crow yells]

[mutters] some bad habits.

We'll be right back.

- Mike, can I borrow your
Mitchum roll-on, please?

- Sure!
[Servo exclaims]

- Sure.
- Don't do that.

[upbeat pop music]

[Crow continues yelling]
Whew!

Remind me not to do
that again, Mike.

Mike?

- Okay, Servo, I'm going
for a record worth having.

Now, count how many
large-mouth bass I swallow.

- Uh, okay.

[Crow exclaims]
[Crow crashes]

- How many, so far?

- So far, none.

- Is this someone's fish?

- Attention, captive
test subjects.

The Institute for Mad
Science has sent me

my first experiment
to inflict on you.

Now, let's do it right, so
I can get on to the real

mad scientist stuff, like
pulling the heads off monkeys.

[Bobo exclaims]

Oh, don't even.

Mmm [laughs], yes, good.

This is a variant on the very
evil Zimbardo experiment.

The hypothesis is, is that
if one of you, say Servo,

is given complete power and
authority over the others--

- Furthermore, those
violating martial law

will be torn in half
by sumo wrestlers.

[Crow and Mike
halfheartedly cheer]

And finally, my good people,

give me all your cookies
and I won't have you killed.

[Crow and Mike
halfheartedly cheer]

- Person in charge will
no doubt become corrupt,

so we take your person in power

and fill his underwear
with fire ants--

- [stutters] Fire ants?

I'm no longer fit to lead.

I've come down with
a sudden junta.

I relinquish my power to my--

I'm a private citizen, you can
have your damn cookies back.

[Crow and Mike
halfheartedly cheer]

- Ah, so I see that fire
ants in the underwear

can change the course of
whole governments, yes.

Good, good, good.

And since Bobo, here,
as my control group,

had no fire ants
in his underwear,

we can conclude that--

- Hang on, you said, "No
fire ants in the underwear"?

- Yes. Why?

- Damn, I gotta go
change, I'll be right back.

Damn!

- Well, I declare this
experiment a huge success.

Now, while I compile my data,

I invite you to suffer
through today's movie.

It's called Merlin's
Shop of Mystical Wonders.

And it's a delightful Bambi
romp through a flowery,

fairy land of happy, harmless,
froufrou, family fun.

For the whole
family of all ages.

Or, is it?

Taste the rainbow of fruit pain!

[laughs evilly]

- Uh, Servo, you got
the keys to these chains?

- Yeah, yeah, I had
'em in my pocket, here.

- You don't have pockets!

- D'oh!
- D'ah!

[klaxons blare]
- Oh, great,

- we've got movie sign.

[doors clang open]

[sighs] Glad you found that key.

[Servo whispers]

- I bet the J is for jerk.

- Hey, now, you
don't know that.

- Hm?

Merlin's Hop?

- Try the Merlin Chop,

a half a pound of Merlin,
served with steak fries,

vegetable of the day,
and whipped desert.

- Hm, the mystical wonder
is that he's in a movie.

- The mystical shop of yum!

- After a scene I've
gotta get hammered.

- Okay, let's
predict some crap.

- [burps]
[laughs]

Excuse me, Tom.

- Excuse my juicy belches!

[sighs]

- Well, what should
I do now, Thomas?

Go on, tell me.

- So this is how Madeline
Albright makes decisions.

[suspenseful music]

- Oh, great.

Her house is HO scale.

[thunder crashes]

- She looks like an
overstuffed turtle.

- Is there any cheaper
vodka than Popov?

- Thomas?

Why have you stopped
talking to me?

- Larry Bud Melmann in drag.

- Thomas...
- Are you wearing

clean underwear
in the afterlife?

- Thomas Johnson,
are you there?

- Thomas Johnson,
here for all your

insurance needs
in the underworld.

[mimics car revving]

- Heh, the ants have
been screwing with her

like this for years.

- All right,
who's the wise guy?

- I am who am the wise guy.

- If you're not Thomas,
then who are you?

Identify yourself, please.

- I'm Bob Olsen,

I took over for Tom's policies
when he went on vacation.

- She's tapped into
the mystical world
of Parker Brothers.

- Tom Bosley was
her hand double.

- Kiss. My. Hey!

- Ah goose ta dou?

[Servo sings jaunty tune]

- Kenneth Star is
Missus Fortune Teller.

- Tito Puente!

- Chal Jedder?

- Chatty Cathy, where
you got to go, baby?

- I use Pearl Drops, mmm.

- No!
- No, my tinctures!

[glass breaks]

- Why are you doing this?

- Bonjour, I am a
french traveler, oui.

- No!

[Sero mocks character on screen]

No!

- My garage
sale-appointed home!

[thunder crashes]

- The Fudge Stripe
Factory's been hit!

- I'm gonna kill you!

- Ah, it's the
Monkees audition tape.

- Tonight, on Old
Lady Gets Killed...

- There.

So that's how you got
rid of Grandma, huh?

- Wonder whose
kid that is, hmm?

[thunder crashes]

- It's McHale's Time
Share in Sarasota.

[dramatic music
plays on television]

- They live in a
furniture show room.

[thunder crashes]
- Uh oh...

- We better eat
all the ice cream!

- Oh, great.

Now I'm gonna miss the movie.

- Well, maybe
it's just as well.

I'm not so sure your
mother would approve of you

watching all that scary stuff
just before going to bed.

- It wasn't that scary.

- Oh, no? Well [laughs].

You know, actually,

that toy monkey
reminds me of a story

I once wrote for television.

Let's see, what was it?

- Yeah, save it
for Carson, Grandpa.

- Of course, Merlin.

- Merlin?

- Merlin the Sorcerer.

Only it didn't take place
in the time of King Arthur.

You see, Merlin used his powers

to come to our time

to set up a shop of mystical
wonders for all to see.

[Servo grunts]
- Mystical wonders?

What are you talking
about, Grandpa?

- I'm talking about...
- Shaft, John Shaft.

- Magical things.

Crystal balls, enchanted stones.

Wondrous objects that Merlin
has collected over the years.

- What does he do with them?

- Why...

- I'm gonna make us
some drawn butter.

- He sells them, or
even gives them away.

And then...
- I shave my eyebrows.

- Something magical happens.

It changes a person's
life forever.

- Like what?
- Metamucil.

- Young man,
[Servo indicates fart]

Are you actually asking
me to tell you a story?

- Yeah, sure, until
the lights come back on.

- Oh, really?

Well here, you hold on to that,
and I'll tell you the story.

Only, let me see,
it's been a few years,

so you'll have to forgive me if

I can't remember it
exactly as it was written.

- Go for it.
- Go for it, all right.

Well, the story
begins in a small town

in Northern California,
on a starry night.

- This guy took his
life, as lovers often do.

- Twinkle...

That's all I can manage.

[alarm blares]

- Merlin was a
thieving crack head

who fenced VCRs
to feed his habit.

- Oh, sorry, this was my
spec script for The Rookies.

- Great, all I managed
to steal was a sock.

- Jackpot, at Mister Bulky's!

- I'm Tinkerbell.
- I'm Tinkerbell.

- I'm Tinkerbell.
- No, I am.

- I'm Tinkerbell.
- I'm Tinkerbell.

- It's me.

Me.

[gasps] Leon Russell!

[sirens blare in distance]

- Where is that
Great Clips coupon?

- He's a retired snow monkey.

- Is that, oh hi, Trent.

- Hey, he's an
obsessive hand-washer.

- I prefer
Jarlsberg, thank you.

- Look at all these
Gordita wrappers.

What've I been doing?

- Hi, Charlie, how you doing?

- So when he's
doing house work,

does he just put
everything in a ponytail?

Hair, beard, mustache?

- I have a feeling his bathroom
sink is always plugged up.

- Oh, wow, man.

[sniffs]

- And nightcrawlers.

- Scrooge...

Oh, sorry, you're not Scrooge.

- Welcome to Knightburger,
what will ye have?

- Hey Gus, did you see
where Mommy put her keys?

- Susan!

- Madeline!
- How are you?

- I haven't seen you in
ages, great, how are you?

- I'm okay.

- So how are you and
Mister Excitement?

- Oh, we're fine, he's
around here somewhere.

- How bout you and Mel?

- Not bad, no complaints.

[magical music]
[women continue chatting]

- First knight to
wear a kiki scarf.

- Ebenezer-- Oh,
damn, I did it again.

- Look, Mommy...

- Hey, you sell smokes, here?

- It's George Stephanopoulos.

- It's a blue
cheese You-Store-It.

[magical music]

- Hey, can I get some
mystical help, here?

- Yeah, I just know
Meatloaf is gonna

walk in in some big robe.

- I'm here for the dwarf job.

- Merlin passed out
while filling the tub.

[owl hoots]

- That kid's sorta like a
mouse, I could give it a shot.

[upbeat pop music]

- Well, look who we have here?

Our first customer!

Merl, we have a visitor!

- I'm scared.
- Me too.

- Have you found
something you like?

Cat got your tongue?

- Is that Bella Abzug, or...

[magical music]
- [growls]

- Merlin sends in his trained
flatulence to scout the room.

- I'm a pillow with features.

- Jam Productions
presents: Merlin!

- You kids get off the grass!

- Got the results from
my doctor yesterday.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- The thing is, we haven't been

getting along that well
for some time, now, and...

- Is this the Lifetime Network?

- I know he resents
me for not being

able to get pregnant on our own.

- Whoa, too much information!

- Just getting him to go
to the fertility expert

was a giant blow to
his ego, and now,

after everything when he finds
out there's no hope at all,

he's just gonna...
[Mike laughs]

- You haven't told him?
- I haven't had the nerve.

I just...
- Plus the polyps in my colon

- Look, I gotta go...
- I really wanted this baby.

- You could always adopt.

- Jonathan would never
raise someone else's baby,

you know him.

- But having a child
is so important to you.

- Would you just... [laughs]
- Wouldn't he?

- No.

- Man, I love Glendale!

My sperm is top-notch, it's her.

- Hello, Susan.
- I bet you can have a baby.

- Well, Mother,
what do we have here?

- Doesn't he remind
you of someone?

Arthur, you old hoot, who else?

- Oh, yes, of course!

How foolish of me.

- Get back, old man.

- But I bet your
name isn't Arthur.

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

[trills]

- Do you like my
pigeon impersonation?

- I bet it's Nicholas [laughs].

- Just keep smiling.

- Oh, Nicholas, do
you believe in magic?

You do? Oh, I knew it.

- Help!

- Oh, you see Mother,
we're not too late.

There's still hope.

- That's enough out of
you, Gwen, behave yourself!

That's your fault!
- Yes...

- You didn't take her
out last night, did you?

You know how she gets?

[Crow laughs]

- Now, what can we do
for our young friend?

- Show me the exit.

- Come here, Nicholas.

How would you like to see
one of my favorite tricks?

- No!
- Please?

- No!

- It's one of my
favorite tricks.

Nothing up my sleeve.
[trills]

- I'm glad you like it.

- Oh, now watch closely.

[laughs]

- You can just pop it
in your mouth, whole!

- Here, take good care of it.

- That's very amusing.

Is that the extent of
your powers, magician?

Oh, I'm sorry, Merlin.

- May we help you?

- Yeah, allow me
to introduce myself.

- I'm Bob Jackass.

- My name is
Jonathan Cooper III.

- Get the gun.

- She wants me.

- Interesting shop,
heavy atmosphere.

- Good use of trolls...

- No sign of
contemporary influence
in design or structure.

Shop is at best, uh...
- Let's moon him on three.

- Overly theatrical.
- Excuse me.

Was there something you wanted?

- What I want is a story.

- I want Runaway Bunny.

- I am a respected
columnist in this town,

and I'm here to
decide whether or not

your shop is worthy of my
readers' time and money.

- Worthy? What do
you mean, worthy?

- Nicholas, what are
you doing in here?

Come on, you know better
than to wander off like that.

[chicken clucks]
- What happened?

- Eh.

- Where'd that
chicken come from?

- What chicken?

- Nicholas, come on, let's go.

- Thank you, Mom!

- Oh, Nicholas,
come back soon, okay?

- Uh-huh.
- I don't think so.

- Take care, Susan.

- Remember what I said.

Call me.
- I will.

- Goodbye, my dear!

[Merlin laughs]

- Nicholas, what
were you doing?

- Did he pay?

- Isn'’t he precious?

- Merchandise consists
of knickknacks, statues,

and various psychic
paraphernalia

such as crystal
balls, et cetera.

- Hey, get off my tail.

- So, tell me.

What's all this about?

Why are you here?

Why has Merlin and
his wife, I presume...

- Zurella.

- Zurella, come to
the 20th century?

- I don't like your
attitude, young man.

What business is it of yours--

- Mister Cooper...

- I bid you lick me.

- I'm here to awaken the world.

- Awaken the world? From what?

- He's hot.

- To bring magic back

into the lives of
those who've let

science and technology
cloud their perceptions.

- Electric skillets must go!

- Perceptions are
the power which truly

govern the universe.

- We also make keys.

- To believe...
- Whatever crap I shovel out.

- In the unbelievable.

- Why is she wearing a
doggie bed on her head?

- Oh, there was a
time when wizards

commanded the respect of kings.

- That was a sweet gig.

- And all shared
an undisputed belief

in the mystical powers
which guided their lives.

- Um, I just came in
to buy some shampoo.

- The objects which you see
before you, Mister Cooper,

are those magical,

mystical wonders,
[Servo yawns]

I have collected over the years.

- 20% off this week.

- And with them, I
shall allow people

to experience their
belief in magic,

again.
- At low, low prices.

- You really believe you
are Merlin, don't you?

- My cheek lines disagree.

- Store owner's an
eccentric old man,

who suffers from delusions
of being a wizard.

- No, Merlin sneezed that!

- I am, Mister
Cooper. I say I am.

- Sure, you are, pal.

And I'm Lancelot.

- Why you insufferable compass!

- Mister Cooper,
I can assure you...

- A coupon for a good review.

- My intentions are
entirely honorable.

- This is so beautiful.

I've never seen
anything like it.

- It's a laurel, a
very special stone.

A wishing stone.

- Come on, for Pete's
sakes, Madeline.

Don't encourage them.

It's nothing more than a rock.

- Like your womb.

- Make a wish, dear.
- I did, but I'm still here.

- Madeline, it's
people like you

that allow this kind of
exploitation to go on.

- Oh, the old man's
funk is overpowering me.

- It's getting stronger,

it's like ammonia
and White Castles.

- A most endearing wish.

- So really, by this time,
a kid had thrown a chicken,

while an infertile couple
had looked at a store.

- I have my own, private
fertility clinic in back, baby.

- All right, I've seen enough.

I could be a sport about this.

If you're really
Merlin, prove it.

Show me something.

As they say, knock my socks off.

[laughs]
- You have no socks.

- We don't give demonstrations.

- Sure you don't.
[Servo mocks the line]

Listen to me, Obi Wan.

Either you give me something
to write home about,

or your quaint little
shop is history.

- Jonathan, let's just go.

- I'm being a jerk, honey.

- Did you hear me, old man?

Do you know who I am?

I am the supreme being.
- Clapton?

- I chew places like this up
and spit them into the toilet.

[Mike, Servo, and Crow laugh]
- Why?

- So I'm gonna give
you one last chance.

You prove to me
that you're Merlin,

the great sorcerer,
or get off the pot.

- For God sakes,
Jonathan, just drop it.

Leave these kind people alone.

- Otherwise I won't continue
to not have your children.

- Dear...

Why don't you give him the book?

- The book?
- Yes, dear.

The book. Your book.

- Button your robe.

- What's going on?

- One of our dwarves died.

- Mister Cooper.

I may have something for you

that will provide
the proof you seek.

- Oh yeah?

- It's a pie from
Baker's Square.

- Looks like an old book.
- Do do do do do do!

- Oh, that it
is, Mister Cooper.

It's a book of magic.
- With a pop-o-matic.

- My own compilation of
spells and incantations.

- More talk of magic?

I told you the only kind
of magic I believe in

is the magic I have
in these fingers

to make this place [snaps
fingers] disappear.

- Mister Cooper, if you
would just take this book home

and read through
it, I assure you,

you will be
thoroughly satisfied.

- I'm sure you will
find that it makes

- Do do do do do do...
- good reading.

- It's on the Oprah list.

- All right, you've sparked
my interest, old man.

I'll look through it.

And you'll trust me
to bring it back?

- Why, certainly.

Oh, Missus Cooper,
- You're fine!

- Please, keep the stone.

- Oh, no, I couldn't.

- Dear, it's a gift.

- Have some slightly
used dress shields, too.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome!
- You're welcome.

- Come on, let's
get outta here.

I'm sure the
compilations of a mad man

will make good reading.

- Oh, and Mister Cooper.
- You're welcome.

- A few words of caution.

If you decide to dabble
with any of my spells,

for whatever reason,
- You're welcome!

- Be sure not to toy
- [laughs] Do it again!

- with any that
aren't entirely there.

- You insulting my sperm count?

- I'm afraid that
over the years,

some of the pages
have become brittle.

- Like the missus, here.

- And sections have...

broken off.
- Again like the missus here.

- So please, Mister Cooper,

heed my words.
- Munch my shorts.

- For your own sake.

- Look, my reviews have
destroyed whole cities.

[doors clang shut]

- Yeah, so anyway, Mike,

it's clear that niche reviewing
is the wave of the future.

- Mmhmm.

- The ugly guy in the
movie reviews novelty stores

and CD strip malls,
and he's famous!

- Yeah, so we figured
why not review each other?

- Yeah.
[Servo laughs]

- It'll tell the world
about our delightful selves,

which needs to happen,
and we become famous.

- I'll go first.
[clears throat]

From the moment I saw Tom Servo,

I was taken with his gay,
even naughty bright red color.

And the unexpected,
clear Pyrex dome.

The little dangly arms, though
the function was unclear,

added to the lighthearted
feel of the experience.

Flawless? No.

But I recommend this
Tom Servo for children,

and anyone looking for a
bare bones kinda robot.

There you go.

- Huh.

My turn? Good.
[clears throat]

Everyone's talking about the new

Crow T. Robot out
on Highway Six.

Insouciant, ecclectic,

it seems to promise
a kind of excitement.

Yet the overall effect becomes
rather more garish than fun,

and I left feeling
altogether empty and sad.

- Well, seems like you
guys are on your way

with the whole niche
reviewing thing, so...

- Hey, hold on, Mike,
hold on, hold on.

My second visit to Tom Servo

was even a greater
disappointment.

Loud and overpriced,
- What?

- There was a thick, oily
film coating every surface,

and I can only hope I escaped

with no serious disease.

- If my readers
responses are any guide,

the Crow T. Robot era
is coming to a close.

This poorly conceived disaster

is revealed now as
a spindly testament

to poor taste and nausea.

- The verdict is in,

and the world was not awaiting
a chubby, pompous eunuch!

- What do you mean, chubby?
- Uh, we'll let these guys

sort it out, we'll
be right back.

- I'll give you chubby.

Goodbye, Crow T. Robot.

Your ghastly memory
- Pathetic, ugly,

overbearing and stupid...
- still pollutes my mind.

[upbeat pop music]

- And so, Mister Cooper
took Merlin's book home...

- Wait a minute.

What did Madeline wish for?

[Mike and Robots laugh]
- What?

- What do you think?

- I don't know.

- You'll figure it out.
- Are you Susie's boy?

- Well, let's go
make love, I guess.

- I spoke to Doctor Collins.

- Oh yeah? What'd
that quack have to say?

- He blamed your weiner.
- Nothing.

Nothing that would concern you.

- Oh, for Pete's
sake, Madeline.

- Why is it so
difficult for you

to show a little
compassion once in awhile?

Or to be nice?

My God, just getting along
is a major accomplishment.

- Yeah.
- Whew.

If she had a store,
I'd crush her.

- All right, how do you
get outta this thing?

- Well, it would
appear that I, too,

have succumbed to
the old man's charm,

for I hold in my hand
a book of spells.

Merlin's book of spells,

which no less promises to make
me a true believer in magic.

Although I must admit
the mere thought

of such a thing being
real is intriguing.

- That's your
garage door opener.

- Oh, a warning.

"Ye beware who layeth
sight on the pages within."

[laughs]

Nice touch.

- But I probably
should get around

to destroying Kozlak's hardware.

- Must be a fuse.

- Whew! Finally
got outta that car.

- Okay, what do we have, here?

- Merlin's light
summer recipes.

- Contents:
Spells, Love Potion.

Worthless.

Teleportation...

Hm, Rejuvenation.

Ah, yes, we must
stay young and vital.

- [laughs] What's his deal?

- What kind of mind spends
hours writing this crap?

Look at this gibberish.

Typically, in Latin.
- Dumbass language.

- Who was it that
first instilled a belief

that words, perhaps
in their purest form,

could actually
command the elements?

- Uh, Bob Hope?

- Take this spell, for
example, to propel away.

"Derisera", oh!

- The rug feels
soft on my back,

and yet one can't help wondering

whether extra padding
might not be called for.

- That's what I get
for screwing around.

Oh, hey, Miff.
- I have ear mites.

[cat meows]
- All right,

debating whether to continue
on with this foolishness,

Jonathan Cooper
decides to play wizard

in Name That Spell.
- I name it Fred.

- Here's a good
one: "To Levitate".

"Arisadare, Arisadare!"
[laughs]

Look at me, I'm
the wizard, Merlin,

the all-powerful sorcerer!
[cat meows]

- It's time for a
strongly worded review

of my cat, Miffy.

- Doesn't he look like
Judy's husband, Punch?

- Oh yeah, Punch.

- Ooh, "To Summon a Spirit,

"say three times in
a commanding tone,

"Vien-e-chi-Re,
Vien-e-chi-Re, Vien-e-chi-Re."

- Ah, a doratio!

- Ooh, somebody put
tinfoil in the microwave.

[coughs]
[fire flames]

- Channelling the
spirit of a circus freak.

[Servo laughs]

- Now he can return
that arc welder.

- Oh, l what am I saying?

[dramatic music]

- Oh, thank you, Latin.

- Clearly, Merlin has
brought good into the world.

- Those altoids are
curiously strong.

[Madeline coughs]

- Ed from next door came
over and got me pregnant,

so everything's fine.

- What on Earth is
going on down here?

The lights just
exploded in the bedroom,

nearly scared me to death.

- My tongue's a curly
fry, can we talk later?

- She's Julie Haggertying.

- Say, that Merlin guy called

and invited me down to
Barbados for the weekend.

- Why are you
sitting in the dark?

What are you doing?

Are you trying to
burn the house down?

- I utterly loathe you,
you wanna have a baby?

- Jonathan, I'm sorry.

I know it's been hard, but
we can get through this.

I mean, having a baby...

- That protrudes
my neck cords, so...

- Hey, there are thousands of
childless couples out there.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

We just have to stop
blaming each other.

- Thanks, honey, I'm
glad I had this talk.

- You haven't heard
a word I've said.

- Chuck Woolery.

- Leave.

- What is going on with you?

- This is weird,
you're usually so nice.

- Jonathan, you're scaring me.

- I'm taking the flashlight
and the Longaberger basket,

that's all I need.

- Damn, I singed my
Mary Engelbreit calendar.

- "Dragon's Breath."

- Clorets can help.
- It works!

This book really works.

- Unlike How to Meet Girls,
which did nothing for me.

- So where's the spirit?

Anybody there?

- Come out, or I'll review you!

- Maybe that wasn't
commanding enough.

This is incredible!

- Like that show
with Fran Tarkenton.

- The homing spell.

"Upon proper orchestration
of this incantation,

"an object may be sent
away to later return."

Like a homing pigeon.

- Or a domesticated lobster.

- Ah, this is what
Merlin warned me about.

What did he say?

"Don't toy with any spells
that aren't entirely there."

- And something about
biting him, I think.

- That old buzzard knew damn
well I was going to dabble.

Well, far be it for me to go
against the master's wishes.

- I talk to myself a lot.

Long monologues,
complete with sarcasm.

- "To Call Forward,
Vien-e-chi-Ra."

- It's a phone manual.
- "Vien-e-chi-Ra."

Thought that was
to summon a spirit?

- Hey, there's how
install a baseboard heater.

- Ah, the last
letter is different.

- Typical Latin crap.
I'm glad it's dead.

- Vien-e-chi-Ra.

[bottle crashes]
- It's an ancient spell

for becoming a more
efficient redneck.

- Vien-e-chi-Ra.

- Hey, the knuckle
curve incantation worked.

[laughs]

- Now, to find Dick
Webber's split pickup spell.

- Oh, God, look at this.

- Magic makes me hungry
for grilled brats.

- "Ca sorgee fasa.

"Ca sorgee fasa."

- Ad nam kashobe, que pasa?

[laughs delightedly]

- I'm rich. I'm rich.

Merlin, I love you!

- But not you, Debbie,
you can't give me a child.

[upbeat pop music]

- Ah,

that's what I've
needed, a pouch.

- Let's see her be all
tender and tinkly music-y

when she's changing
that kangeroo's
diaper at 3 a.m., huh?

- A Jell-O garden slug.

[sighs]

I need to get a new
under arm crystal.

This one has been good to
me, but I must say goodbye.

[sobs]

- Drop of mercury,
pinch of salt...

- Bad hair dye applied.

- Hair of master.

- Hey, Mike, is
that Satan's butt?

Oh no, wait, it's
that guy's face.

- Drou Cor Vee...
- He turned into the Grinch.

- Immediately feed
creature three drops.

[Crow impersonates
Pop-Eye's laugh]

Miffy...

- What's he gonna
do to the cat?

- He's gonna turn
it into a familiar.

- A what?

- It's an obedient,
mystical servant.

- You know, a devil.

- The potion,
when done properly,

turns an ordinary animal
into a magical creature

that will do anything
at all for its master.

Even give up its life.

All sorcerers have one.

- Cool.

- Mine lives in
my sweater vest.

- Oh, by the way,

there is one very important
thing to point out.

Because of all the magic
that Jonathan's been doing,

- Uh-huh.
- He's aged,

about 15 years.

- How come?

- Well, using one's
psychic powers to do magic

drains your life force
and causes you to age.

- Every kid knows that!

- It's common
knowledge among wizards.

- Life force?

- Trust me.

You play with magic,
you're going to grow old.

And fast.
- Okay, okay.

Go on with the story.

- Now, where was I?

- Did I talk about my prostate?

- The cat!
- Oh, yes, the cat, the cat.

Well, without a moment to lose,

Jonathan apprehends the
unsuspecting feline,

and brings her to
his work bench.

- Where he tortures it
and kills it. Goodnight.

Hm, the cat put lemon
juice in his hair

and went out in the sun.

- Now, you're about to learn
the true meaning of obedience.

- Yeah, let me show you
the meaning of clump.

- Hold still, you stupid cat.

- Meow meow safe.

Meow meow very safe.

- Boy, look at him spray!

- Miffy...

- I've got your Fancy Feast

served in Waterford
Crystal with parsley.

- Miffy...

- He was drawn by Dave Berg.

- Miffy, Miff...
[cat growls]

Oh, there you are.

[cat yowls]
- Then the devil cat grabbed

his throat and pulled out bloody
strips of sinew and flesh.

- Grandpa Borgnine!

[cat growls]
[Jonathan yells]

- This is nothin compared
to what you cut off me, pal.

- So this is like
any cat, then.

- Pretty much.

- Oh no, the cat's
got a knife, too!

[dramatic music]

- Oh, now that's
not evil doing that,

he's just a spazz.
[Servo laughs]

- What, me?
- Vien-e-chi-Re!

- What, are you talking to me?

- Vien-e-chi-Re! Vien-e-chi-Re!

- Then the cat's
flesh was roasted.

- Grandpa, no!

- Sit down, you're
gonna listen.

His flesh melted and
his horrible scream...

- No!

- That damned cat.

- His cat was
made of oily rags.

[extinguisher hisses]

- Honey, you okay down there?

- I got old and roasted the
cat alive with my breath,

but I'm fine.

- Oh, that stupid cat
actually got my tongue.

- Say, you're a cute pitchfork.

- Vien-e-chi-Ra.

- Oh, why didn't you say so?

- Damn.

Whoops, hello.

It's Alistair Sim.

- What?

- Now I'll have
to wear a ponytail

and get a porsche
and a younger wife.

- Hi, guy.

- Don't be so
surprised, Mister Cooper.

[laughs]

After all, did you think
your newly-discovered power

came without a price?

[laughs]
- Mona!

- Do you believe in magic now?

- You know, I don't
like the way they're

portraying the
devil, it's so vile.

[figure in mirror laughs]

- That bastard, he turned
me into Benjamin Franklin!

- You know, Satan
could've at least

blended the edges of his
bald wig a little better.

- He knew.

That damn Merlin knew
this would happen.

- I made Satan the
owner of my soul.

I gotta give it to
you, Merlin, good one.

- Gotta be here,
it's gotta be here.

[mutters incantation]

"The rejuvenation potion acts

"to replenish one's life force

"from the natural
effects of aging

"and the excessive use
of one's psychic powers.

"Ingredients, a
pinch of sulfer..."

Oh, no!

- I have Ted Danson hair.

- Oh, no...

Merlin, you bastard!

- "You blew it up!"

No...

[yells]

- Good thing he
works out of his home,

this would be
difficult to explain.

Hm?

Here it is, under the
scorched cat flesh!

- It's Possessy the Clown.

- What's one letter?

"Ingredients, pinch of sulfer,

"blood of human donor..."

- Shoot, all I have is
Keith Richards' old blood.

- Oh, Madeline.

- Ooh, bought the
bed from Linda Blair.

- What?

- Why, it's the Wallace method
for going down to breakfast.

- Riff Raff at home.

- Hello, Madeline.

- Jonathan?

- Jeez, you're a
walking liver spot.

- What's the matter, dear?

Don't you like my new look?

- What've you done?

- It's true.

He is who he says he is.

He is Merlin the sorcerer!

Not so fast, my dear.
- No!

- I have wonderful
things in store for us.

Wonderful things.

- Oh, big mosquito.

- Ow!
- Mustn't waste a drop!

- Funny, I'm cooling off
on the whole kid thing.

- Velto Vivas Vestra.

- I came, I saw,
I made cheese dip?

[Jonathan whispers]

- "Here's looking
at you, sweetheart."

- Oh, no, this is
a good enough film,

they shouldn't have to
steal from other movies.

- Mmm, some chicken
and a biscuit

would be perfect with this!

- Are you coming to bed?

- It's working.

It's working,
look, it's working!

- My gray is going
away gradually.

[yells]

- There's a mouse
underneath my bald wig!

- Doctor Jerko
and Mister Crack.

[Jonathan continues yelling]

- Whatever, honey, I gotta
get up early tomorrow.

198, 199, these are
200 count percale.

- I'm going home to Mother.

Oh, wait, she's a demon, too.

Honey, you're not being
condescending to me,

I kinda miss that.

Hey, there's that
ironing board cover,

I knew I bought one.

[magical music]

- Oh, good, now she has to
raise her horrible husband.

- That's what most wives
think they do, anyway.

[baby coos]

- Great, a sarcastic baby.

- Now the kid's gonna
write continual bad reviews

about his mother's lousy care.

- So, now he's his own father?

- Based on a story
by Sigmund Freud.

- Aw, isn't that ni--

- She got her wish.

- You figured it out.

- How could I
not figure it out?

The whole thing with
the baby kangeroo

made it pretty obvious.

- Yeah.
- Too obvious, huh?

- Mmhmm.
- A little.

So because Jonathan was a jerk,

Merlin turned him into a baby?

- Well, now you
can't blame Merlin.

Jonathan turned
himself into a baby.

- Uh, yeah, I think he can.

- Merlin just
gave him the book.

- Yeah, right.

Merlin knew Jonathan was
gonna read the spells,

and he knew what was gonna
happen to him once he did.

- Oh, you think so, huh?

- You know I'm right.

- Hey, look, this
pitch is over, old man.

- Well, Jonathan
should never have

threatened Merlin
in the first place.

It's not wise to get on
the bad side of a sorcerer.

- So what about Merlin's book?

How's he gonna get it back?

- Remember the homing spell?

- Oh, yeah.

- It bored me.

- Uh oh...
- I farted!

- Time for bed, my boy.

- Now, wait a minute.

What about the toy monkey?

- Oh. Oh.

- The kid's figuring
out all the plot holes.

- Yeah, come on.

- You're not too tired?

- Grandpa.

[upbeat pop music]

- Don't be such
a skeptic, Mike,

it'll work once I
find the right spell.

- Servo, you can't
levitate an egg

reading off some phony spell
from a bogus Merlin book.

Accept it.
- Well, you just don't

believe in the mystical,
wondrous powers

of magical Merlin and
his holy demons, Mike.

Look, here, this
one might just work.

"Eeny, weenie, tipsy, teenie,

"obgob goobalini,
nickanecka, firecracka,

"shish, coom ba!"
[magical zing]

Oh, well, that was a bust.

[Servo yells]

- What?

- [stutters] Nothing,
Mike, I was just startled

the egg didn't levitate.

- Yeah, I don't know
why you'd be surprised,

I told you what you were
gonna get with a book

of bogus spells.

I don't know what it is.

I just feel real fussy.

I should put myself down.

- [laughs nervously] Yeah,
you should do that, Mike.

- Well, anyway, when you're
reading off of a bogus

book of spells, what
do you expect but--

Man, I don't know what it is.

I guess I'm a little colicky.

Do I seem colicky?
- Yeah, colicky, sure.

- Yeah, yeah, so anyway,
don't dabble with the...

[Mike sniffs]
- What?

- Uh-oh. [chuckles]

Someone made a present.

You wanna do the honors there?

- [screaming] No!

- Wow, well that's weird.

Huh, Servo's gone, and he's
not right in front of my face,

so that means he's
not coming back.

That upsets me.

Wah.

Wah!
[buzzer goes off]

Oh, we got movie sign, that
upsets me further, wah!

[doors clang open]

- Glad I had that reverse
baby spell for you.

- Thanks for changing me, too.

- Not a problem,
I have a nephew.

It's nothing I haven't seen.

- Yeah, talk to you later.

- Ooh, it's Merlin's
sex book, picture of him

with Big Daddy Kane.

- This guy must iron his hair.

- Well, before I hit the
hay, I gotta feed the ravens,

scoop out the troll
box, and oh yeah,

I gotta Z out the cash register.

- Oh, that sidewalk
sale's tomorrow, isn't it?

- Well, better get at my
husbandly duties, I guess.

- Hey Mike, he's going
to a staff meeting.

[Mike laughs]
- No.

- My shotgun traps didn't
go off, what the hell?

- It's his wife with no makeup!

- Chessmaster 2000.

- Look at all that stuff.

Why doesn't he just wear a
big foam cowboy hat, too?

- Oh great, the Dr. Pepper
guy is burglarizing him.

- Well, gotta go drain the me.

- I'm just waiting for my band.

- Hey, this looks like the
most expensive thing in here.

- Bonjour, my friend.

[suspenseful music]

- Dino! No!

- That you, beanie boy?

- Now, if it was Beware of
Daryl Dragon, I could relate.

- Maybe a cheesehead
hat, a long plastic horn.

- Goodnight, Gwendolyn.
[growls]

- Hey, quit draggin' tail.

- I'm gonna end
things with Nimaway.

It's not fair to Zerella.

- Guy with a toy
monkey on the run.

Guy with a toy
monkey on the run.

- Gotta get to my
stuffed monkey fence fast.

- Hi, I'm Satan-approved.

- Oh, this is
awful, just awful.

And it's all your fault.

If only you'd placed that
homing spell on that monkey

like I told you to, we
wouldn't be in this mess.

- I know, I know.

If I only knew where
he took it, I could--

- That's it!

- I bet she sweats
to the oldies.

- You've gotta get out
there and track it down.

That thief must have sold
it by now or maybe even

traded it for food.

You've got to get out
there and find that thing

before it gets into
the wrong hands.

- But where do I start?

I could be anywhere!

- I don't care! Just get
out there and be creative.

Now go!
- Hit the pavement,

you Celtic fairy!

- Don't I get a kiss?
- You'll get a lot more than

that if you don't get out
there and find that thing.

Now go!
- So she threatened
him with sex?

- Which chin should
I put my hand on?

- Wow, I've been needing a
porcelain German shepherd.

- I love the selection
here at Crap and Stuff.

[Servo mimics Pee-Wee Herman]

- I had my jaw wired shut
'cause I was eating too much.

- Could someone please
play the 1812 Overture?

[kids laugh]

[all cheer]

- Love will keep us together.

[boy laughs]
- Come on, hurry up.

- Yeah, I wanna
see your presents!

- Can we open my presents now?

- Don't you wanna
eat your cake first?

- Nah, we can eat it later.

- Oh, Muskrat Sam.

- All right, go for it.

- Open mine!
- Open the red one!

- It's a honey-baked ham!

- Hey, why don't you
open Susan's first?

♪ I will I will I will

- It's Uncle Pusher
from next door!

- Whoa!

- Wow, a smelly used toy!

- Look at that
- Uh-huh, so I don't get

the Intelevision?

[cymbals ring]
- Every time a bell rings,

a devil gets his horns.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- Here's my gums.

- Now, let's open the big one!

- Yeah!

- What's in there?

- It's a bread-maker, thanks!

- What's it gonna be?

- Go on, open it up!
- Hurry up!

- Do that to me one more time.

- Hey, hey, don't do that, huh?

Hey, hey, hey, do I paw you?

Come on, it's very
uncomfortable!

Hey!

- Chewbacca's dead.
- My foot.

- Wasn't there a movie once
that featured these things?

- Yeah, St. Elmo's
Fire, I think.

[overlapping chatter]

♪ Rock and roll martian

- Yeah, whoo!
- Yeah!

♪ Rock and roll martian

- Go!

[adults laugh]

- Lot of grease in my ears.

- I think you're right.

- Hey, bring that thing
over here a minute,

would you, Mike?

- But Dad, I'm a

♪ Rock and roll martian

- Can I play with
it for a minute?

- Sure.
- If you give me a beer.

- Isn't he adorable?

- Yeah, where'd
you find this thing?

- Oh, you know that
junk antique store

off the boulevard?
- Yeah.

- I saw it in the window
as I was passing by,

and I just couldn't resist.

- Ugh, too many
Seagram's Golden Coolers.

[telephone rings]

- '70's house, may I help you?

- Hello?

Oh, hello, mother! How are you?

- You calling
from the basement?

- No, everything's fine.

Michael's fine, we're all fine.

Yeah, you enjoying your trip?

- No, Mom, I don't know why
they took Hazel off the air.

- Great, great, when
are you coming home?

- That soon, huh?

- Okay, three
days, well, call me.

Call me and let me
know when to pick--

Now, don't be silly, Mother.

Look, don't you dare take a cab.

I'm perfectly capable
to pick you up.

- What are you,
like 50 pounds now?

- Good.

Okay, well, enjoy the
rest of your trip.

Yeah, okay, I look forward
to seeing you, too.

Okay.
- G-goodbye.

- I will.
- G-g-goodbye!

- Bye bye.

[ominous music]

- Wow, Mom's youth dew
is so strong it came

over the phone and
killed the plant.

- I think he has one of those
newfangled LaCoste shirts on.

- Now, Mr. Wilson's doing
nude yard work again.

- Oh please, since when
has a man ever noticed

a plant in the house?

- Oh, that's right,
Moses cursed me.

- Borgnine's grandson's
really bored by now.

- He putted around
the kitchen for awhile

and got himself a cold drink.

- I wuv you this much.

- Ah, yep, that first morning
beer is always the best.

- Working at home, the reality.

- This is the evil toy
monkey for Polident.

[ominous music]

- [in high voice] Oh no!

- John McEnroe writing
letters of apology

to various line judges.
[cymbal rings]

- It's also a long-range
bug zapper, that's handy.

- Hm, is that two-hour
Incredible Hulk special

on tonight or is that tomorrow?

- Hm, let's see, if I
open another beer now,

it would save me time later.

- This place has much
nicer weather than Camelot.

It never snows at all.

- Excuse me.
- Get away from me.

- I have mace.
- Please, I mean you no harm.

- Wow.
- I'm simply trying to

find this toy monkey.

By chance, have you seen it?

- Um...
- That's it.

Look at the monkey.

- Actually, yes.

I'm sorry for the way I behaved.

- There's no need.
- It's just that this isn't

a very good neighborhood.

I mean, you wouldn't
believe the weirdos.

You just can't be too careful.

You know, I mean, I know mace
is illegal and everything.

- Of course, of course.

I understand.

But you said you've
seen the monkey?

- Yes, yesterday this
weird guy brought it in.

I gave him $5 for it.

- Do you have it?

- No, I'm sorry, I don't.

It sold shortly thereafter.

- Blast it.
- Now I've got to

send you to hell.

- I should be
getting back to work.

- Please, by chance, do
you have any information

on the person who bought it?

- No, I'm sorry,
she paid cash for it.

- I see.

- That just lengthens my beard.

- It was yours?

- Stolen from my shop.

- Look, you wanna
meet for a drink later?

- I hope you find it.

- I'll find it all right.

- Have a nice day.

- Bye bye.
- Bye.

- It's kinda sunny. He
should really wear a slip.

- Then, the guys with the
receding hair drove a blue car,

carefully signaling
his turn and pulling

into a suburban driveway.

[door creaks]
[cymbal rings]

- Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought you said,

"Da na na na da na na na".

- Michael?

- I didn't eat him!

- Michael?

[ominous music]

- Max, Yvonne, Bjorn?

- The view from his hairline.

- No, the hamper's full!

- Michael?

- [in robotic voice]
He's with Elliot.

- If you don't talk to your
kids about bedspreads who will?

- Man, I guess I should
quit prowling around my

neighbor's house and go home.

- Michael?

[toy gun blares]
- Oh!

- Oh! Oh, my heart! [groans]

- You scared me to death.

- Hi, Dad!

- [laughs] God, give
me a kiss and a hug.

Where's Sparkle? I thought
you were playing with her?

I put her in the garage
so when I scared you,

she couldn't make noise.

- You rascal, you
planned this whole thing?

- [giggles] Yep.

- Well, it worked,
you scared me.

- I think I'll
go let her in now.

- Okay, go.

- And grow some hair, son.

[toy gun beeps]

- [yawns] I'm up, I'm up.

[ominous music]

- You know, Frapton
really did come alive.

- Guess I shouldn't have
filled the bowl with vodka.

- Rock and roll
martian, I guess.

- Charlotte!

- I think we must have
given her too much food, son.

- Yeah, but she was so skinny.

- Well, she's
supposed to be skinny.

Fish aren't made
to eat very much.

- Can we bury her now?

- Yeah, we can.

- Son, if you hold the lid
open, we'll bury her at sea.

- We'll put her
right out front, okay?

- Next to the 15 turtles.

Heh, kids.

- Oh, I'm so sorry
for your loss.

[upbeat pop music]

- The Crips move in.

[brakes groan]
- Excuse me.

[evil laughter]

- Okay, now we're in hell.

Finally happened.

- I'm the old pin cushion man,

the terror of Balloony Land.

Folks all hate me,
how they hate me.

- I got Tang and Bugles.
- Oh hi, MIke.

- Hi.
- Just killing time

until video games are invented.

- So where's your dad?

[clattering in the distance]
Never mind.

- That's so pleasant.

- Is this outfit too revealing?

- Hi!
- Hi.

- What'd you do?
- Cut myself.

- You bit yourself?
What an idiot!

- Mr. Goodwrench.

[knock on door]
- Yeah?

- Hey, Dave!

- No Grandma, you
can't come out!

- Yes, Pete?

- Get out here, I need
some help working on...

- All right, I'll be right out!

- Ha ha ha, that's pleasant.

- What ya need?

- I gotta time this thing.

Can you get in and turn it
over a couple of times for me?

- Sure.

- I'm benign.

- Brought to you by LSD.

[laughter]

- That's particularly funny.

- Nobody writes for
the solo cymbal anymore.

[cracks]
[dog whimpers]

- Remember that kitten, Billy?

That was nothing
compared to this.

At least the kitten
went quick, Billy.

[suspenseful music]

- I'm just waiting
for firing line.

- I'll get tough; I'll
just call his bluff.

- Oh no, oh no, please no!

- Just throw me a wet towel.

I'll do it.

- One more rep.

[dog whimpers]

- Fine, I'll just fashion
a crude mask from dryer hose

and charcoal briquets.

- Do it again.

[engine sputters]
Hold it.

I'm not gonna be able
to do it like this,

not mechanically.

I'm gonna need my timing light.

- Why don't you go
extinguish your dog?

- You wouldn't
know where it is,

would you, old buddy?

- Uh, it's probably
in my garage.

You probably left it in there.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah. [laughs]

[Mike, Servo, and Crow chuckle]

- I'm gonna buy an Ann
Gillian poster later.

[dog whines]

- Puppy!

- Back off or my lips get it.

- Boy, they have a long house.

[intense music]

- My AMC Pacer's in there!

[cymbal rings]

- But there are funny cartoons.

- Sparkle? Sparkle!

- Are you done yet?

- Finish my fine washables,
then I'll douse the fire.

- Are you chilly, fire,
do you want a light wrap?

- [coughs] Sparkle?

- Aw, it melted
my leisure suit.

- Stay inside!
- Oh!

Stay here, honey.

- We're gonna change
the dog's name to Crispy.

- David, what happened?

- [coughs] It's okay.
- Are you okay?

- It's out, yeah, it's out.

- Where's Sparkle?

- I very quickly
sold Sparkle to a farm

where he'll be happier.

- I'm sorry, Mike.

Sparkle's dead.
- No!

- So Billy, the little
boy who looks just like you

went through terrible,
irredeemable grief.

- Hey, he sniffed my crotch!

- The monkey killed the dog?

- I told you it's a bad toy!

- What happens next?

Does it kill Michael?

- Now you're getting ahead
of me, first things first.

You see, David, Michael's father

starts to get suspicious,
so he calls a psychic

friend of his.
- A what?

- A psychic, you
know, someone who can

see into the future,
talk to ghosts.

- Dione Warwick.
- You know, a clairvoyant.

- Oh, a clairvoyant,
why didn't you say so?

- Does he have a sea turtle
under his sweater vest?

- Anyway, he tells her
about the strange things

that have been
going on, and she,

being sensitive in that area,
[thunder crashes]

senses that something
in his house

might be possessed
by an evil spirit.

- You are sick, old man.

- Doesn't take long to
figure out what it could be.

- You're not going
to like this, David,

but we have a very
serious situation here.

- I'm running out of shawls.

- Unfortunately, I'm
not going to be able to

deal with it personally.

Because of its nature,
you're going to have to

deal with it alone.

- Why do I have to
deal with it alone?

- Listen to me, David!

As a psychic, I have an
aura of a certain nature

that a demon would
unquestionably sense.

- Wake up!
- The moment I stepped into

your house, all hell would
break loose, literally!

- Yeah, but what
am I supposed to do?

I don't know anything
about evil spirits.

- Get that toy
out of your house!

- Idiot!
- I have a feeling

that's not going to
be so easy to do.

- You want some peanuts?

- What's that?

- It's called a bethogram.

- I sense the
demon's name is Beth.

- It's supposed to protect
me from the demon, huh?

- Yes, just keep it in your
possession at all times.

- Great, should I wear
garlic around my neck, too?

- My God, David!
- You moron!

- Sorry, sorry, I
appreciate your help,

but I just wish you could come.

- I know, I am sorry!

I wish I could do
the exorcism for you,

but this is something you'll
have to do on your own,

and remember, David,
never let it know.

- You stupid bastard! I
could stab you in the eyes

right now, so help me God!

[doors clang closed]

- Whatcha doin'
there, Mikey drawers?

- Oh, I ordered us up
the whole series of Ernest

Borgnine's children's
books based on the movie.

I don't know, I thought it
might be whimsical or something.

- Yeah, well, bring
on the whimsy, man!

- Here's one called
"Santa's Workshop

"of Shimmering Delights".

That might be whimsical.
- Sounds nice.

- Oh man, wow, well
this is inappropriate.

Here, Aaron the Elf's
hands get scissored off

in the sheet metal crimper.

- Ooh yeah, that's
unsavory all right.

- Let's try this one, "Slow
Bear's Woodland Picnic".

What could possible go--

Wow. Holy cow.

Slow Bear bashes in
Charlie Chipmunk's head

with a can of pork and beans.

- Wow, that Borgnine
is dark, man!

- Try "Fluffy Bunny's
New Blue Suit".

That sounds good.
- That sounds completely...

Oh, my...
- What, what?

[Mike gags]
They're eating his liver!

[Crow screams]

- All right, that's it.
These are all going back.

Look at this one, "Dr.
Blood's Orgy of Gore".

What is with this guy?

Man this is...
- I can't look.

- Oh, this one seems fine.

- What?

- "In a little, cozy
hole in the ground lived

"eight plump mice."
- Whose eyes get poked

out with upholstery needles?

- No, they get little sweaters
and live happily. [chuckles]

- Wow, weird.

- We'll be right back.

- Little sweaters, really?
- Yeah.

Cute.
- Yeah.

[upbeat pop music]

[cymbal rings repeatedly]
- Good books, all.

- Hi, Dad.
- Mo.

- [sighs] Mike.

Come here a second, Mike.

- And the mechanics,
too, come on.

- Pete's gonna go shopping.

Why don't you go
give him a hand?

- In his old Chevy?
- Yeah!

Yeah, take off.
- I might move

while you're gone, but...

- Remember, David, never
let it know that you're

aware of its presence.
- You stupid man.

- Do you think it would know?

- Yes.

[David whistles]

- I really should buy my own
pictures for these frames.

- Well, time to rake the shag.

- Yeah, rental furniture
is the way to go.

- Do-do-do-do-do, not
thinking about demons.

Do-do-do, no demons.

- Come on, put on
John Phillips Sousa.

I'm dying to use these.

- Hey, hey, hey!

- [whispers] Damn.

- Would you stop the whistling?

We both know what's going on.

[Servo giggles]

- Killdozer! Oh no,
it's a vacuum cleaner.

- You know, I usually love
movies packed with scenes

of people vacuuming,
but this one's leaving

me a little cold.

- Tum-tee-tum,
tum-tee-tum-tum-tum.

♪ The night Chicago died

- You have got to be kidding.

- [muffled] Oh, real subtle.

- Bingo.

- Got that done
in time for bingo.

- Tum-tee-tum-tum, just
taking my monkey-less

garbage out to the curb,
tum-tum-tee-tum-tum.

I can't wait to get back
inside to my monkey,

toodle-ee-too-ta-tum-tum.

[muffled] You put me in
bottles and cans only!

[muffled] There's perfectly
good cantaloupe in here!

[muffled] Look, here's
that dog I killed!

- Bye bye.

[Servo hums]

- Times Square nude
show, check it out.

Good show.

Times Square.

♪ I'm going where
the sun is shining

♪ Through the pourin' rain

- I've gotta get some shorts.

I am baking in this thing.

- See, here's his problem.

He's going around dressed
like that, asking women,

"Have you seen my
little monkey?"

- Can't believe they
had Sam Neill playing me.

Shoulda been Skeet Ulrich.

- Ugh, that guy is ripe!

- Why did he tape
moths about his eyes?

- Hey, the cleaners have a
velvet rope special on Tuesdays.

- My cake didn't turn out.

[doorbell rings]
- Surprise!

- Hey, hi!

What's in the bag?

- Well...
- It's a head.

- Mikey and I went
down to the store.

You didn't look too good
earlier, so I thought we'd

pool our resources
and cook tonight.

- Ah, great! I feel
fine now, though.

- Yeah, you take a nap?

- No, I cleaned the house.

- Oh, very interesting,
and so of course,

this makes you feel better, hmm?

- Exactly.
- Yeah, sure, whatever.

Say do you do windows?

- Are these two dating?

- Come on, kid, you're nine.

Get a real bike.

[Michael mimics engine revving]

- Well, I'd better
get back to Abba.

- Man, I was right next
to an old coffee filter

and a diaper!

[grunts] Thanks, kid.

- Dad is so going
into the cornfield.

- Look, here's another pet,
another toy, a pet, another toy

a toy, a pet!

- I think they better
mow their gravel.

[suspenseful music]

- Yeah thanks, kid.

You're now part
of the dark army.

- Monkey's getting pyorrhea.

- My point is, Billy,
man dies with a whimper,

looking into the face
of ultimate darkness.

- I over-tanned my ears.

- A not-unattractive
girl? Floor it!

- Do I smell chicken?

- Why couldn't the
monkey arrange this

from inside the garbage can?

- Good point.

- Hey baby, what's happening?

- Bug off.

- It's an exciting tale
of making an early supper!

- Rare, just the
way I like chicken.

- Traffic's pretty
light, he should be fine.

- No, come on,
what's happening?

I really wanna know.

- Mike Douglas is on!

[ominous music]

- Noooooo!
- Oh, don't be so dramatic.

- Watch out!
- Oh, sh--

[brakes squeal]

[Crow and Servo gasp and grunt]

- Get him inside, will ya?

- What the hell you doing?

- Get him inside!

- Watch where you're going?
- I was! I didn't see him!

- People yelling.

- What's going on?
Where you going?

- That guy's just
wearing jogging shorts.

Look at that.

- I gotta go, they just
got Barbwire at Blockbuster!

- This car doesn't
have an airbag.

I'm very short.

- What are you doing, Dave?

- Would you look, do I
have corn in my teeth?

- At least turn on the radio.

- Monkey is frantically
looking around for oil pans

and light bulbs.

- You do this, and I will
call a legion of Beanie Babies

down upon you.

♪ [mumbles] Fields of barley

♪ [mumbles] Fields of gold

[suspenseful music]

- Oh, like you have
such a great kid.

Get over it!

- My family does have a
plot if you wouldn't mind.

- Tell the other monkey
percussionists I love them.

- That wasn't me; you slipped.

- There are cigar bars
even in the desert!

[upbeat pop music]

- You're gonna have
to do better than that,

you little bastard!

- Is he yelling at Mason Reese?

- Let's see you
get out of this!

[thunder crashes]

- Satan's subcontract with
God to arrange a storm.

- His hair's made of
wool; it's gonna shrink.

[thunder crashes]

- Hey, can you go to the
car and grab my galoshes?

- But doesn't he know it's
dig a pony and shock a monkey?

- Five minutes!

- Meanwhile, on a dry model.

- Bugs Bunny must've taken
that wrong turn at Albuquerque.

[grunts]

[thunder crashes]

- What's the big deal
about wet t-shirts, Mike?

I just don't see the appeal.

- Nah, not doing
it for me, either.

[David yells]
[thunder crashes]

- So, evil wins,
Grandpa Borgnine?

- That's right.

Even your tiny soul
is doomed, Billy.

[thunder crashes]

- Yeah, I got a crack
this guy can crawl out of.

[Mike laughs]
- Wow.

- I'm stiff and dry and
I have a big, lumpy butt.

- God help me!

- Sorry, Unitarian.
According to you, I'm in

the butterflies and the
sun, and I'm just a vague

benevolent force.
You're on your own.

- I have rigor mortis!

[David grunts]
[thunder crashes]

[David laughs]

- Ooh, what? I hear
laughter in the rain.

[thunder cracks]

- No Grandpa Borgnine! Leave
light and hope for me, please!

- Get out from behind
that cushion, Billy.

It gets worse.
[mimics boy crying]

[suspenseful music
comes from television]

- Here's something else
Satan created, Japanimation.

- This is the animated
version of Peter Rabbit.

- But Grandpa Borgnine,
the tree fell right on him!

[telephone rings]
- I know, but I wrote

myself into a corner.

- It's the monkey.
- Hello?

- Oh, hi Mom, where are you?

- I don't know.

- Okay, I'll be right down.

- Don't come, I'm
not worth the trouble.

- Oh, she is, huh?

Okay, yeah.
- Did you tape

Robert Schuler for me?

- You did, huh?

Yeah, I'm sure
he'll be surprised.

Okay, I'll see you in
a little while, yeah.

Bye bye.

Hey, Grandma's at the airport.

She'll be here in
a little while!

- All right!

- A few more
minutes without her!

- Why don't you go make
sure your room is clean, huh?

- Okay.

- And put on a clean shirt
while you're at it, will ya?

- I like this shirt.

- Michael, that
shirt is filthy!

Will you change it so Grandma
doesn't think I've been

falling down on the job?
- Okay.

- I'll kill another
of your dogs.

[magical music]

- Got hit on the cheek
with a tiny meteor.

- Huh. Borgnine forgot
to write this in.

- Maybe I can use it as a
bottle opener or something.

- Grandpa Borgnine, please
no, not another subplot!

- I need to grow more ear hair.

- I bet Merlin's wearing
a thong under that.

He's gonna get some sun.

[Servo grunts]

- Well, look at you.

What gypsy ring
do you belong to?

- Piss off.
- Gypsy ring?

- Yeah, what's
with the costume?

It's certainly not Halloween.

Forgive me. Jake Cosgrove.

Nice to know ya.
- Merlin.

- Of course.

[clears throat] So Merlin...

You look like a man
who likes his trinkets.

- Adult trinkets.

- As it happens I own a small
trinket stand across the way.

- I'll give you a
cookie if you shut up.

- Oh, it's no use.

- Well, you never know.

Got a lot of stuff.
- Mostly Ringo hats.

- Well, no, no, no, no.

It's my monkey. I've
looked everywhere.

I just can't find it.

- You've lost a monkey?
- Check under your robe?

- What, a chimpanzee
from your show?

- No, a toy monkey.

- A toy monkey?
- Mm-hmm.

- You mean, the kind
with the cymbals?

- You've seen it?

- That's the damnedest thing.
- Yep, sure is.

- This morning,
some bum walks up.

Says for a dollar, he'll
give me this toy monkey.

You know, like the one
you're looking for,

so I said okay.
- Right, right.

Let's move on.
- You've got it?

- You're not
gonna believe this.

- No, I'm not.

- Not an hour ago, an old
lady pulls up in a car.

- No!
- Offers me 20 buck for it.

20 bucks, I couldn't believe it!

- Yeah, me neither.
- You sold it to her?

- Damn right, would've given
her half my cart for 20 bucks.

- By the way, get
a haircut, hippie.

- Did you get her name or
where she lives, anything?

- Well, actually, I
keep a full dossier

on evil monkey buyers.

Her name's Mary Andrews.

312 Maple Drive.

Granted, I don't
usually accept checks,

but she looked
respectable enough.

- Ride, Shadowfax, ride!

♪ Rock and roll truck

[laughter]

- Grandma!
- Dad killed the dog!

- Michael, how
are you, darling?

- Oh damn, wouldn't
you know it?

Mary, there's my phone,
I'll talk to you later.

- All right, Pete,
thank you so much.

- Welcome home.
- Oh, thank you.

Michael, how are you?

- Fine, is that for me?
- That you, Mom?

- Yes! How was your birthday?

Did you have a party?

- Yeah, can I open
my present now?

- Well, take it
over to the table,

and wait 'til Dad comes, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay, where's the scotch?

- Mom!
- Hi!

Oh, David! What has
happened to you?

- Don't even ask, Mom.

- Have you been in an
accident or something?

- Look, you wouldn't
believe me if I told you.

- Can I open my present now?

Please, Grandma, please!

- Yes dear, you may.

David, are you sure
you feel all right?

- I'm sure, Mom, I'm just fine.

I'm fine. Hey, did
you see how well

I took care of your plants?

Oh, they look beautiful!

I can't believe how
much they've grown.

[David laughs]
- Dad, look!

- So you kept the kid, huh?

- Isn't it darling?
[intense music]

- My cabinets are flying away!

- Michael, go outside!

- David!
- Don't ask questions, Mom.

- What is going on here?
- I tripped over my bun!

- David!
- Mom!

- Dad, Dad, Dad!

- "Dad" has one syllable.

- Dah-ud.

- God can't help.
He's too busy helping

Reggie White win football games.

- Run faster!

- Come on Grandpa Borgnine!

No wonder you never
sold this turkey!

- Hey, it's what
I do, lighten up.

- Saint Merlin not recognized
by the Catholic church.

- Oh, you found it.

- Oh, my bra popped.

- Sweetheart, you
can come home now.

- Ronald McDonald's
half sister.

- And so, with the monkey
back in Merlin's possession,

Merlin could return
home with renewed hope.

- For what, Grandpa, come on!

- Of course, he'd still
have to decide what to do

with the monkey to
ensure nothing like this

ever happened again.

- I'll deal with you later.

- Forget it, Grandpa,
start from scratch!

- But for now, content that
everything was back to normal,

Merlin could reopen his
shop and continue his quest

to inspire the hopes and
dreams of all those...

- With Satanic monkeys.
- Whose lives would soon

touch his own.

[Crow mimics snoring]

- Now, time to die.

- I also have a script
called "Chinatown",

but I don't like it as much.

- I'm hooking a
beer, you need one?

[grunts]

- My goodness,
you've grown big.

- Since I started that story.

- Eh, this is sorta clean.

- Monkey, oh!

Car coming! Flaming cat!

Dog died! Mean
psychics, oh grandpa!

Oh no! [sobs]
[snores]

Help me.

- Here's your contact
lens if you need it.

- I'm going to hit
the mystical can.

- Yes, it's my
mission to release evil

and gradually recover
it, following the deaths

of many innocent people.

- I did a good job
painting this room.

- Remember to believe in
magic, or I'll kill you.

- Then Merlin went Chapter
XI, and the magical trees

and trolls were
liquidated, and today he's

an assistant manager
at The Limited.

- [sighs] I just feel all
mystically magical, Mike.

I'm gonna go and rip
someone's guts out!

- You know, this store
folds, they could open

a Zurella's secret.
- Yeah.

- Hey, you guys, you
know how this wasn't a

pieced together
Ernest Borgnine movie?

Well, there's another
not-pieced-together
Ernest Borgnine

movie that I like even better.
- Oh?

- You wanna know my
favorite not-pieced-together

Ernest Borgnine movie?

It's the one I saw
about a butcher.

The lonely butcher used
to hang out with a bunch

of other single guys, until
he meets just the right

lonely woman.
- Ah, Marty.

- And together, pursued
by an evil monkey,

they lead a group of
rock-hard ex-convicts

behind German lines in
exchange for their freedom.

- You sure you're not getting
two movies confused there?

- Oh no, it's the
same movie, Mike.

It's the one with
the evil monkey.

It's great.

Ernest also leads a bunch
of people out of a huge

capsized ocean liner.

I can't believe you've
never heard of this.

- Now, what does the evil
monkey have to do with this?

- At some point,
it's one movie.

Someone pledges their love
from here to eternity.

I think, it's been awhile
since I've seen it,

but the evil monkey appears
out of nowhere and shouts,

it's so hideous, it
shouts, "McHale! McHale!"

- What's the name
of this movie?

- It's one movie, Mike.

- Yeah, right, I got that.

- It's not pieced together.

- I think it's
called "Airwolf".

♪ Rock and roll martian
[doors clang shut]

- Wow, look what we got, cool!

- Super cool!
- Who's it from?

Who's it from?
- Well, it says, "Enjoy.

"Love, the soon to be
accredited evil mad scientist,

"Pearl."
- Uh-oh, look at this.

- Whoa!
[cymbals crash]

- Look out!
- Oh, jeez.

- God, golly, oh man.

I'm sorry, I'm not a
very good evil monkey.

Don't tell on me, please.

I'll clean up
everything. I'm sorry!

- Pearl's calling.
- Oh! Hide me!

Tell her I'm gone, please!
- Fine, fine, fine.

Whatever, just get off me.

- Oh, for crying out--

Would you just get
down here, you boob?

Brain guy, get him down here.
- I'm Endusting, Pearl.

Oh, never mind.

- Okay, Nelson, according
to your guys' scores

on the Schumacher/Eszterhaus
Cinematic Pain Differential,

you did experience a
good amount of pain.

I was very pleased with the
Borgninian touch in the film,

personally speaking.

However, I am a little
disappointed with your scores

on the Wood/Gordon
Tedium Inventory.

So, the movies are only
going to get worse,

because the more you hurt,
the faster I get certified!

And I know you guys
want that for me.

- Would you just get
in the bag, please?

- Why didn't you say
so in the first place?

I love bags!

[slow synth music]

♪ Rock and roll martian

♪ Rock and roll martian