Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 11, Episode 2 - Girl in Gold Boots - full transcript

♫ In the not-too-distant future

♫ Somewhere in time and space

♫ Mike Nelson and his robot pals

♫ Are caught in a nasty place

♫ They try to survive the wrath of Pearl

♫ Just an evil gal who
wants to rule the world

♫ From her castle below
she sets her sights above

♫ Just to torture all her
captives on the Satellite of Love

♫ Get me down

♫ I'll send him cheesy movies

♫ The worst I can find

♫ La la-la

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ And I'll monitor his mind

♫ La la-la

♫ Now keep in mind Mike can't control

♫ Where the movies begin or end

♫ La la-la

♫ He'll try to keep his sanity

♫ With the help of his robot friends

♫ Robot Roll Call

♫ Cambot
- You're on.

♫ Gypsy
- Oh my stars!

♫ Tom Servo
- Check me out.

♫ Croooow
- I'm different.

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ And other science facts

♫ La la-la

♫ Just repeat to yourself

♫ It's just a show

♫ I should really just relax

♫ for Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

(electronic mechanical whirring)

- Oh, yeah, that's nice.

You are a miracle worker, my friend!

- Hi everyone, Mike Nelson here.

Welcome to the Satellite of
Love, I'm here with Tom Servo,

and Crow T. Robot, what
you got there Crow?

- That's my WWBSMD bracelet.

Whenever I find myself
at a moral crossroads,

which happens a lot, OK,
I remember my bracelet,

look down, I ask myself, what
would Buffy Sainte-Marie do?

Then I'm able to get my moral bearings!

- Okay, okay.

Say you had a friend, say Mike here,

and he comes to you
wearing a hideous outfit,

and he's just about to go on a date,

so it wouldn't be Mike, would it?

Anyway, he asks you to tell
him, honestly, how he looks.

Do you lie and let him
make a fool outta himself,

or do you tell him the truth
and risk hurting his feelings?

- I would write a folk song!

Any other dilemmas I
can help you guys with?

(laughs)
- No, we're OK.

We'll be right back.

♫ Hey, little bird

♫ I remember you ♫

(cackles maniacally)

- Go on and play your silly
games, you won't be laughing

after I become a fully
accredited mad scientist.

(giggles madly)
Right after this.

(Mystery Science Theater 3000 Theme)

- Anyway, that's what
Jerry Jeff Walker would do.

- He sounds like a man of great character.

- Crow, what's the bracelet
with all the W's stand for?

- This stands for the

What Would the World Wide
Wrestling Federation,

Woodrow Wilson, Wet Willy, Wesley Willis,

Wade Wilson, William
Wyler, Wendy Wasserstein,

Walt Whitman, Willy Wonka, Wim Wenders--

- OK, alright, can it, Pearl's calling us.

- Dude.

(liquid bubbling)

(electricity buzzing)

- No, no

That is so unpleasant,
and I'm missing Batgirl.

(whimpers in pain)

- So, Nelson, once I'm finished with you,

I'll return to the
institute with proof, proof!

That it was they who are mad,

mad for not seeing the potential

behind my grandest experiment!

(laughs maniacally)

- Pearl, what the Samuel Langhorne

hell are you talkin' about?

- What am I talking about?

Why, nothing less than world domination!

- OK Pearl, I think I've
got a pretty good idea

what you're capable of.

I'm just gonna make some notes.

- OK, great, take any space you need.

- Thank you.

- Hey, moron, sorry about all that,

I gotta get board-certified

with the Institute of Mad Scientists.

I am annoyed, but it's
illegal to rule the world

if you're not board-certified.

Brain Guy!

- Yes, Madam?

(gasps)

- I wanted to give you a hump.

- Look, whatever your
feelings are for me, I--

- On your back, idiot!

- That's sexual harassment,
and I don't have to take--

- A latex hump!

- Now, see here!

- Would you just put this on?

(grunts in disgust)

- OK, so why don't you
show me how you plan

to take over the world,

and I'll throw in if I have any questions.

- OK, super.

I'll just call my subject.

Nelson?

Prepare to be tortured by
my maddest creation yet.

Ha-ha, ha, ha!

Your movie is wrenched from hell itself,

it's called Girl in Gold Boots.

- OK then, Pearl.

- I am trying to get accredited,

could you please help me out here?

Yes, the mephitic Girl in Gold Boots.

- [Croooow] Madness!

- [Mike] No!

(Tom gibbers)

- It's madness!

It's madness!

It's madness!

(Mike sobbing)

(laughing evilly)

- Master!

(Brain giggling)

(Brain shouts in pain)

Mercy!

Mercy!

- Hey, isn't anyone
gonna shock me back here,

or what's goin' on, I don't know what--

(electrical explosion)

(Brain sobs)

(Tom clucks)

- Will you cut it out?

(urgent buzzing)

Movie time!

(whooshing)

(clanging)

(continuous tone)

(clashing)

(cheesy 1970s disco music)

- [Mike] Oh, yeah, jeez.

- [Tom] I'm sorry, I'm
projecting my dreams again.

(giggling)

- [Tom] They're gonna sock it to us!

♫ The girl in the gold boots

♫ Starts her groovin' ♫

- [Crow] She may damage her
bibbie if she keeps doing that.

♫ I just wanna tell you, yeah, girl

♫ I'd keep your gold boots

- Panty Vision

♫ Yeah, you're lookin' so fine

♫ Hey girl, I'd keep
your gold boots movin' ♫

(growls)

- [Tom] Shouldn't we be in
individual booths for this movie?

♫ Don't ever let the-- ♫

- [Mike] Andy forgot her
gold boots, she's in trouble.

♫ Baby, now standin', standin' still ♫

- [Crow] It's a jerk and pony marathon!

♫ C'mon, baby

- Dancers wearing oven bags.

♫ When her hair starts to fly

- Uninjured reserve, Mary Wells.

- Hey.

- Ah-haha!

- Hey, those are street
shoes on the gym floor!

- [Tom] Mike, you're a human being,

how come you don't have a body like that?

- [Crow] Yeah.

♫ Yeah, you're looking
just right, hey girl

♫ Whoa, whoa, whoa

- [Crow] The Kennedy Center
Tribute to Judy Carne.

♫ Don't ever let that music get you, baby

- [Tom] To the G, to the G Chord, Men!

Now!

- [Crow] Yeah.

- [Mike] Ed Grimley
choreographed this dance.

- [Crow] H.R. Puffnstuff's
Go-Go Girl Review.

♫ Whatever she is doing ♫

- [Crow] Woo!

♫ There's something deep inside that girl

- [Tom] I am not my sacroliliac, ow, ow.

- [Crow] Why does Noam Chomsky

insist these women open for him?

♫ Keep your gold boots moving

♫ Yeah, you're doing just fine, yeah girl

- [Tom] Uh, can we get a menu,

or just some pretzels, please?

- [Crow] Dig it!

- [Tom] Oh, the first
Lilith Fair Was weird.

♫ Don't ever let that music

- [Crow] Mosh pit!

♫ Standin, standin, still

- [Tom] Everybody, do the agitator cycle.

(grunts)

♫ Everything I touch turns to gold

- [Crow] What happens when you touch gold?

♫ Everything I touch turns to gold

- [Mike] Everything I
touch turns to flies.

♫ And when I kissed your lips

♫ Your loving fingertips

- [Mike] Wolfgang Puck's sad demise.

- [Crow] "Yeah, I've gotta
test out my frying medium

before I use it."

- [Mike] They forgot the "Me."

Ah, the nights we'd linger
over brandy and eat.

- [Tom] Lucy Baines Johnson,
shaking her tail feathers.

♫ Everything I touch turns to gold

- [Crow] It's a neighbor
from the next county,

asking them to turn down the music.

- [Tom] "Ah, what manner of
loaf will I have tonight?"

- [Mike] "What the?

Oh, a gun, so that was the loud report

of burning sensation in my groin."

♫ Everything I touch turns to gold

- [Crow] "Can I talk to someone

about catering a Bar Mitzvah?"

♫ And when I kissed your lips

♫ Your loving fingertips

- [Tom] "You have the
pufferfish tonights?"

♫ Then loving me so much

♫ You need the golden touch

- [Crow] Sweet.

♫ Everything I touch turns to gold

- [Mike] "Hi, I'm Casey Kasem."

- [Tom] "Thanks for the dance, jukebox."

- [Crow] Don't, the fryer's
hooked up to the clapper!

- How long have you been there?

- [Tom] "Long as I've been anywhere else."

- Long enough to see that
you've got a good act.

- Well , I bet you came in here

for something besides a show.

- [Crow] "Oh yes, I need a
puffy hat with a filthy saying."

- [Tom] "I should tell
you it's my birthday."

- As a matter of fact, I came--

- [Tom] "Sorry we shot you
back there, Mr. Hopper."

- As I was saying,

I came in here for a piece of apple pie,

and a cup of coffee.

- [Mike] "Can I sit inside and
have a car seat, next time?"

- [Crow] El Kabong is stalking them!

(mimics El Kabong noise)

- Good afternoon to you.

- [Tom] You forgot to take
the microphone out of the box.

- Why are you asking?

- Afternoon, fair lady, kind sir.

Any idea where California went?

- [Crow] "I'll check my purse."

- It went that way, partner.

- Straight down this here road a bits?

- For a piece.

Just beyond, ergo.

- [Mike] Alright.

- I have five mighty hungry
companions with me on this trip.

Appetites you can't imagine.

- I'll sell you anything
in the place, mister.

- [Tom] "Take me, take me."

- I'll settle for two
Hershey bars, please.

- [Crow] "Tin" Hershey bars?

Those are hard to eat.

- [Tom] Heheh, we bantered.

- That'll be one dollar.

- [Mike] "I've got a Happenings coupon."

- Can you cash a hundred?

- I've never even seen one.

- A fifty.

- [Tom] "Oh.

I'll have a thousand
Hershey bars then, I guess.

- Oh, lookee me, here's a single.

- [Crow] Did he say "Lickee me?"

- Goodbye fair Guenivere.

I must hasten on for
the land of mythical--

- Hey, wait a minute.

- [Tom] "Somebody call
for a cab to La Guardia?"

- He here for you, friend?

- [Mike] "Hey, I'm not a Quaker."

- That's Jimmy.

He's always hiding out
there, watch for speeders.

- [Crow] Oof, that brought the room down.

- [Mike] "Goodbye, fair
cowboy knight, I guess."

(country music)

- You're really hooked on
this dancing, aren't ya?

- [Crow] "Look, I have ergotism."

- Hey, ever thought of
being a professional?

- I guess I'd give just about

anything in the world to be one.

- I can help you.

- You can help me?
- [Crow] Love this take.

- Look, my sister's

the number one attraction in Los Angeles,

in a groovy Hollywood night club.

Let me show you.

There she is.

My sister, Joan Nickels.

- This is your sister?

- [Mike] "She's really nude!"

- Go on.

You're a bigger nut than he was.

- Oh, no I'm not.

- [Tom] "And, if you buy now,

you also get the Cap Shnaffler!"

- Same girl.

- [Crow] "After rustoleum."

- Listen, I'm on my way
to Hollywood right now.

Why don't you come with
me, and I'll bet you

my sister can make you into
a star, just like that.

And I'll do all that for you,

in exchange for a little companionship.

You know what I mean,
like be my relieve driver.

I wanna drive straight through.

- [Crow] "I wantcha drive shtraight troo."

- Oh boy, have you got a line a mile off.

- No, I'm serious.

- I'm sure you are.

I may have stars in my eyes,

but I don't believe everything I hear.

- [Man] Michelle, come in here.

- [Crow] "And bring the baby wipes."

- Excuse me.

(Mystery Science Theater 3000 Theme)

- Girl, I told you an hour ago

to get them pots and pans washed.

- [Michelle] Daddy, I've
got a customer out front.

- [Tom] "Give me a bucket."

- You do them dirty dishes, and
I'll take care of the front.

- No, please.

- What did you say?

- Mr. Johnson hired me to
take care of the front,

and you to take care of the kitchen.

- [Crow] Powder!

- You wanna get us fired again?

- Don't you get smart with me.

- I'm not getting smart.

- [Tom] "I can't."

- Just, you've been drinking.

You're going out there

and making a fool of yourself, anyway.

- [Crow] "Because I excrete oil?"

- I've been drinking.

I slapped up a few stinkin' beers,

I ain't good enough to be
your father no more, huh?

- [Mike] Not good.

- Daddy, please.

- What do you mean, "Daddy, please?"

- [Crow] "It's 'Steve.'"

- You afraid I'm going to breathe

on some of your lousy studs
out there, is that it?

- That's enough!

- No good tramp, you're
just like your mother!

- You're right, I am
like her, and I'm glad.

- At least she had enough
guts to get away from you.

- [Mike] "Hey, they have tacos."

- [Tom] "My father passed away.

I stuck his head in the deep fryer."

- What's wrong?

- [Crow] "I just found out
what's in the special sauce."

- [Mike] You know what this place needs?

A business card jar.

- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Crow] Yeah.

- You still want someone
to go to Hollywood with?

- [Tom] "'Cos my dad wants to go."

- Bet I do.

- Help yourself to another cup of coffee,

while I get some things packed.

- [Crow] Pepsi paid handsomely
for this product placement.

- [Mike] "Okay, I can have coffee...

Am I implicitly allowed
to take cream as well?"

(suspenseful fanfare)

- [Tom] "Maybe I should have
a poetry slam on Wednesdays."

(Mike mimics burping)

- [Crow] "Sure hope sis still swings

at that shpot on Shunshet."

- [Tom] "I packed like 50 cheeseburgers."

- Now, Michelle, look.

I guess I better come clean to you,

there was another reason
I asked you along.

- I know, we can fight about that later.

- No, no, no, no.

Look, I'll treat you anyway
you want to be treated.

Fair enough?

- You were serious, weren't you?

- Sure, sure I was serious, but...

Well there is one minor complication.

- [Tom] "I smell like ham."

- I ain't got enough bread
for gas all the way into LA.

Will you be able to help
in that department, too?

- [Crow] "I'm going to go
get a goodbye slap from Dad."

- [Mike] "So, no one called a taxi?"

- [Tom] "I took a toothpick,

we can sell it for traveling money."

- [Crow] "Bye Dad."

- 'Chelle!

- [Mike] Wow, car's
got a severe underbite.

(police siren)

- [Tom] Ah, it's illegal
to not stop at EAT.

- Baby, I think you're
going to be good for me.

The old luck is changing already.

- [Crow] "Who am I?

Mrs. Khruschev!"

(giggles)

- [Tom] "And so passed
the Eat phase of my life."

♫ Ho, ho, the wheels, the wheels

♫ The wheels of love are turnin'

- [Tom] "No playing Jimmy Rogers!"

♫ Rolling with my baby

- [Crow] "It's a car, heh."

♫ The wheels, the wheels

♫ Whels of love are turning

- [Crow] "I gotta go, I gotta go!"

♫ Oh on the bumpy roads of love

- [Mike] "Can you stop for
a second, I have to dance."

(Crow whistles along)

♫ The wheels of love are turning ♫

- [Mike] Comanches are watching.

- [Tom] Ah, here we are,
at Drink, Boink and Regret.

- [Crow] "So, what do you
think of Hollywood so far?"

- Snack time.

Anything special you want?

- Yeah, a place to comb my hair.

- [Tom] There's probably an
intensely foul bathroom there.

- I'll see what they have.

- [Tom] Start "seeing" motorcycles.

See?

- Come on, move it!

- Hey man, you ready for move it?

- [Mike] You are a delight.

- [Crow] "My baseball card
fell out of my spokes.

♫ You meet the nicest people on a Honda ♫

- [Mike] "Welcome to Nothing But Jerky."

- [Crow] "We've talked it over,
I was ready for 'move it,'

but my friend here had some reservations."

- Would you like to take his
brains out and flavor them now?

- None of those shenanigans in here.

You come in for what
you wanted, and leave.

- There's no problem, ma'am.

No problem.

- [Mike] Look, she's thinking of Coke.

- [Crow] And that's just his breath.

- [Tom] "Wow, they have Bomb Pops!"

- [Mike] "In my panic, I
bought nothing but napkins."

- [Crow] "Where will I comb?"

- [Tom] Tonight is kind of special.

- [Mike] You know, it's okay,

he couldn't possibly make it more sticky.

- [Crow] The bikers are still inside,

flipping through Tikkun.

- [Tom] If he sits there,
he's going to get Krausened.

- [Michelle] My God, Buzz,
you're out of your mind!

Don't you know they'll kill you for that?

- Don't you worry your
pretty head about it.

- [Mike] "Okay, ugly head."

- Let's get out of here, quick.

(engine revs)

- [Tom] "I'm gonna drive in reverse

and get some of that gas back."

- [Crow] Free beer!

Lick the bike!

- The punk with the
chick, man, snub him, man?

- You better believe it.

- [Tom] "We'll snub him,
let's organize a party, quick,

and not invite him."

- [Mike] "Hey, wait for
me, my kickstand's stuck.

Wait, ah, okay."

- [Crow] They're going
to force him to pay half

on a bottle of Armor All.

- [Tom] Should've left some
Chuckles on his seat, too.

(cheesy 80's music)

- [Mike] "Hey, my butt is drunk!"

- [Crow] Really?

"It's really upsetting,
what he did to our bikes.

I feel anger, and I don't
know how to direct it."

- [Tom] First time I've driven

with my blood alcohol under
two, it's really easy.

- [Mike] "Roy, come back
here and pick that up."

- [Crow] Shh, there's a bat on the hood.

- [Tom] "Okay, you're a
dancer, get out, bye."

- Keep the motor running.

- [Mike] "Check the oil,
wipe the windshield."

♫ Batman ♫

- [Crow] He's giving himself a drunk test.

- [Tom] Starring Regis Philbin.

- [Mike] Stay back, he
has a can of Grape Nehi!

- [Crow] He's going to hit
him with a garter snake.

(Mike mimics burping)

- [Mike] Clinton.

- [Tom] "Ain't gonna play Sun City."

- [Crow] "Aw, let's go back to law school,

we're terrible bikers."

- Have fun.

- [Tom] "Well, we're not
going to have fun, now."

- [Crow] "I'm glad you're
back, I was locked in."

- [Mike] "I feel exhilarated!

Let's get a pony keg and go to Sturgis!"

- [Crow] Hell's Pusses.

- What are we going to do now, man?

- Why don't you just shut your mouth?

- [Tom] "Why don't I have any friends?"

(vault door slamming)

(beeping)

(mechanical whirring)

(slamming)

(high pitched metallic sound)

(slamming)

- Hey guys.

- Yeah, Mike, you're probably wondering

why I'm pissed off at you.

- Oh!

- Ah, no, not really.

- Well, too bad, I'm going to exact

petty, childish revenge on ya.

- Oh!

- Yeah, and I'm going to have to pour beer

on your most beloved object!

(laughs maniacally)

What is your most beloved
object, if you don't mind?

- Well, I'd have to say,

my personalized heirloom beer stein.

(both laugh)

- Oh, say, could you help
me exact revenge, please?

- Oh no, please, Crow, no, uh, sure.

- Okay, okay, nice and easy like.

- Alright.

- Yeah, take the beer there, that's right.

And pour it all over your stein!

(cackles)

That's right, you're going to get

what you got coming, Mr. Cool!

Teach you a lesson in a big way!

- But Crow, you're out of your mind,

don't you know he'll kill you for that?

- Ah, don't worry your pretty
little head about it, Serbo.

- Oh!

- Hey, you know, Crow, I should tell you,

that you are most beloved
to me, too, you know that?

- Okay then, buddy, you
are going to take that beer

and throw it on me!

- But Crow!
- [Tom] Oh!

- Do it!

Yeah, that's right loser!

You know you got it comin', there you go.

Revenge is sweet!

- Okay, now get out of here, you punk,

and take your damn beer with you.

- Okay, alright, well, I
think I learned my lesson.

See you, Crow.

(laughs maniacally)

(laughing peters out)

- You know, that didn't pan
out quite the way I expected.

- Oh.

(Mystery Science Theater 3000 Theme)

- [Mike] Ah, it's good beer.

- I'm sorry.

- [Tom] "I didn't mean to turn you on."

- Well I said I was sorry!

- [Mike] "Look, I'm really
remorseful, you cow!"

- Well say something!

- I guess I was just tired.

- [Crow] That's why I didn't really

do anything to make you mad.

- Come here.

- [Tom] I need you to help me
shift the turbo hydromatic.

- [Mike] "Okay, you can sex me now."

- [Crow] Ooh, he slips off the babushka.

- [Tom] Ooh, next comes the wig.

- [Mike] "Please accept
my tongue as an apology."

- [Crow] "Wait a minute,

one of your spacers fell out again."

- [Tom] Oh wait, it was a dream,
he's kissing his Budweiser.

- [Mike] Nope, forget
that scene, never mind.

- [Crow] He should be showing more leg.

- [Mike] Yeah, someone
else's leg, I think.

- [Tom] Uh-oh.

- Hey, recognize him?

- Of course I do, he's the
guy with all the words.

- You mean he's the
guy with all the bread.

Come on, let's go pick him up.

- [Tom] Words, bread.

Must be Samuel Johnson with a baguette.

- The good Samaritans, I presume.

- Need help?

- Yeah, I guess you could say so.

Traveler here, my bike
seems to have thrown a rock.

- Well now, seems to me,

you've got an awful lot of
trouble with that wreck.

Yesterday, you had it on a truck bed.

- Oh, yeah, we've met before, haven't we?

- Why you, my fair lady, you're Guinevere.

But I don't seem to recall your name, sir.

- Look, cut the bologna out, huh?

You want a ride?

- My other name is Michelle, he's Buzz.

- Michelle and Buzz.

- [Mike] I'll allow it.

- Mine's Critter.

- Critter?

- Yeah, you know, like a cowboy's horse,

or a wayward cat without a home.

- Look, come on, you want a ride?

- Yes, we do.

- What do you mean we?

- Well, Traveler and I.

- Look, wise guy, I ain't
carrying no beat up old motorcycle

in the back of my car.

- You won't have to, I got a tow bar.

- No, you gotta have a bumper
hitch for one of them to work.

- It just so happens I
have one of those, too.

- [Tom] "You know, in
fact, I have a car, too,

so I guess I don't need a ride."

- [Crow] Three hours and
four bumpers later...

- [Tom] "We'll take the sidewalk

for another couple of miles."

- [Mike] Oh no, they picked up Joan Baez!

- [Crow] Is there a papoose
tied to the motorcycle?

- You know, I can't get over your name.

It's a funny name, Critter.

- The fellas gave me that
name when I was in preschool.

- [Tom] "I'm back!"

- Yeah, you know, it's
been leading into that.

I held the name since that.

- Yeah, you're kidding.

- [Mike] "Anybody notice
that I'm here now?"

- I'll bet you've got a college education.

- Well, yes and no.

I didn't get a degree,

but I tried my hand at
Colombia and Berkeley.

- Wish I could have gone to one of them.

- [Crow] "Come on, I just
teleported here, it's impressive!"

- Look, I hate to butt in

on this real brilliant conversation,

but we gotta bang it outta here.

Waitress, check please.

Now how 'bout it, Critter, old pal,

seems to me this place
oughta have change for a 50.

Maybe even a hundred, huh?

- [Mike] "Three waters,

those little fish shaped soup crackers."

- [Mike] "I'm an icky elf."

- Ever since I got back, I've
been carrying my billfull,

full of Nepalese money."

- [Crow] From the land of Nipple.

- But you can try to get
it cashed, if you like.

- [Tom] "You tell funny
foreign currency jokes."

- [Mike] "I'm critter, uh-huh."

- Okay, baby, shell out yours.

- [Crow] "Here?"

- [Mike] Well your money's from Senegal.

- 10 bucks, that's all you've got?

- [Michelle] I had to buy gas last night.

- But you went back to the cash register.

- And took what was coming to me.

It amounted to 14 dollars.

- Well, that's just great.

- [Tom] You didn't have to take out FICA.

- With this tab coming to $4.50,

that'll leave us a lousy
$5.50 to get to LA.

- Look, I didn't take anymore

from the cash register than 14 dollars.

That was mine.

- [Mike] "That was my yearly salary."

- Okay, Yak Boy, can you
take care of your own share?

- Yeah.

- [Crow] Natural born cheapskates.

- I can come up with my own share.

- [Tom] "Here's some Guatemalan quetzel."

- And 15 dollars more, to boot.

Why, we oughta be able to reach
Los Angeles with 20 bucks.

- Come on.

- [Tom] "Let's get some of those

pillowy little mints
at the cash register."

- [Mike] "Well, I should get

a little to-go box for my butter pat."

- [Tom] He yanked the engine
off a Kitchen-Aid blender.

- [Crow] Ah!

They're throwing us violently
into the next scene!

- [Tom] "Uh, can I be in your movie?"

- [Mike] "This makes me want
to throw hard candy at people."

- [Crow] So they blew the 15
bucks on a dune buggy rental.

- [Tom] "We're thinking of adopting."

New motorized beach bathtub.

- [Crow] And the movie ends.

- [Tom] "Let's drive through
the oil-soaked ducks again!"

- [Mike] Well, apparently the
story is none of our business.

- What a ride!

- Hey, you wanna go for a ride?

- No, I guess I'll pass for now.

Thanks a lot.

- Well, I don't know about you guys, but--

- [Crow] "I'm an icky elf."

- I'm thirsty.

- [Tom] "So long, odd acquaintance

who inexplicably gave us
rides in your dune buggy.

- [Buzz] There goes--

- [Tom] You can say that a--

- [Crow] One--

- You and Buzz plan to get married in LA?

- [Tom] "You don't need
to spell in front of me."

- I'm riding with him to LA.

He's going to help me
get started as a dancer.

His sister can help me.

That's all there is to it.

- Well, my naive country
girl, I hope it's that simple.

- [Crow] "Uh-huh.

I'm gonna be a dancer!"

- Maybe Buzz does seem a
little bit crude, at times,

but you just have to get to know him.

- [Mike] "It helps if you
meet the other elves."

- Like, two days?

Hey.

- [Tom] "My name's Critter."

- Don't pay attention to me.

What you do is your own business,

and it's really no concern of mine.

- That's right, it is no concern of yours.

I'm going to become a
dancer, Critter, a good one.

I just don't look pretty,

I'm good at dancing, too.

- [Crow] Compared to Steven Hawking.

- Critter stop teasing me,

I want you to take me seriously, for once.

- [Tom] "Okay, little numby head."

- I'm taking this seriously.

- [Crow] "Thank you.

Anyway, what I was
saying about dancing is,

when you dance, mmf mmf mf mf."

- [Tom] "Hey, he's mine,
take your hands off him."

- Get lost!

- Stop it Buzz!

- [Crow] "I'm having Critter's varmint!"

- Listen, yo.

You stay away from Michelle, understand?

- Why don't you let her decide then?

- Nyech.

- [Tom] "Nyech."

- Why not?

Now you're here in California
to play for the act

while his broken down old motorcycle,

or are you here for a reason?

Now, you tell him.

Tell him!

- [Tom] "I'm allergic to shellfish!"

- I'm here to be a dancer!

- [Crow] "I'm going into voice work, too."

- [Mike] Well now the
whole picnic is ruined.

- [Tom] "I'm a crummy critter."

(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)

- [Tom] "We're in Alberta, looks like."

- Find another?

- Ah, yes.

- Will it be cash or charge?

- [Tom] "Uh, will you take a toothpick?"

- Cash.

- [Crow] "On second thought,
I'll just put it on my gun."

- [Tom] Heh, that guy's
totally pistol-whipped, man.

- [Crow] Oh, he flicked a booger.

"Oh, shoot, it's all Green Stamps."

(cartoonish music)

- [Tom] Sounds like Max and 99

should be sneaking around outside.

- [Crow] Don't forget your
Roman Gabriel collector's plate.

- [Mike] "Oh, shoot, they're closed."

- [Tom] "Heh heh, I locked
the car keys in the store."

- [Crow] "Did ya get my marathon bar?"

- Hey, what the devil's going on?

- Stay in the car.

Get behind the wheel.

- [Mike] "Get more behind
the wheel, come on."

- Where's the attendant?

- Sound asleep.

- Okay, roll this baby out of here.

- Buzz, what have you done?

Have you gone crazy?

- Move it!

- [Tom] "I've got 50 bucks,

we've got dune buggy rides all week!"

- [Crow] Hey, crimes like
this never happen anymore,

now that we have McGruff.

- [Tom] "I hope we're here
in time for Folk Rock."

- [Mike] Hey, they drove
straight to Christmas village,

to blow the wad.

♫ I'm a lonely Cowboy Santa

♫ To some I may look strange

♫ Oh it's lovely weather for a
surfboard together with you ♫

♫ We're the Bank of America, whoa-oh ♫

♫ Instead of Christmas carols

♫ I yodel-dee all day
- [Mike] A bunny from heaven!

♫ I bring presents to the little ones

♫ Down their chimneys, I slide.

- [Tom] Hey Pally!

♫ The boys get holsters and six guns

♫ The girls a hobby horse to ride

- [Tom] Dr. Doolittle?

That doesn't look like Eddie Murphy.

- [Crow] No.

♫ I trim cactus trees and sing

- [Mike] I think someone slipped
us their vacation videos.

♫ I yodel-dee all day

- [Crow] Okay, keep it coming,

I'm not convinced that they're in LA yet.

- [Tom] An 18 story office building?

This could only be LA!

♫ Charles Manson walks the streets

♫ The Zodiac Killer's at large

♫ Charles Bukowski is
pukin' out the window

♫ And Santa Claus is on his way

♫ Hey

♫ I bring presents to the little ones

- [Crow] "Merry Christmas, everyone,

let's go to the Haunted House!"

♫ Holsters and six guns

- [Tom] "Boo, sir."

♫ I'm a lonely Cowboy Santa

♫ I trim cactus trees and sing ♫

- [Tom] "Thanks for the car, buddy."

- [Crow] "Yup, I know the werewolf here."

- [Tom] Wow, this is like EAT times four!

- [Crow] Love This.

- [Tom] "Yeah, see how
they shake their boobs?"

♫ Hey girl, I keep your gold boots movin'

- [Mike] Man, think of the lucky kid

who stumbles on this haunted house.

- [Crow] Yeah.

"Look, something."

- [Tom] Stacey Keach!

- Table for three?

- [Tom] "Butts or breasts?"

- Would you like to sit down?

- Get lost.

- [Crow] "I've worked here six years, sir,

it's going to be hard to find
a place I don't know about."

♫ And when the music starts, now

♫ Whatever she is doin'

- [Tom] Met my friend, Count Chocula?

- You going to join the show, pal?

- Yeah.

- The guy's a threat,

they only like to watch that movie, Gigi.

- [Mike] "Do you know if
Von Ryan's Express is on?"

- Now don't get cute, son.

- [Crow] "Or my doppleganger
will kick you out!"

♫ Your gold boots moving, honey, honey

- [Tom] The Mount Rushmore of ugly.

- We're just waiting for
the show to get over with.

That's my sister up there,
the one in the middle.

- [Tom] "The one who
just fell off the stage?"

- [Crow] "Donna, where are you going?"

♫ I dig your boots, oh baby, yeah

- [Crow] "Bye Cindy, good luck!"

♫ Oh with your gold bots on ♫

- [Tom] "Thank you, I'm the
one who jumped, thank you."

- [Mike] This film made possible

by a grant from the Ullman Foundation.

- Hey.

- [Crow] "I forgot to tell
you about our pasta special."

- [Mike] "One, hahaha, Two, hahaha."

♫ You and I ♫

- [Tom] Now they're singing,

♫ Keep your Chukka
Boots moving, yeah guy ♫

- [Tom] "I don't dance, I
just kind of walk in place."

♫ For she's Jimmy's girl

- [Crow] "I'll direct you to
the Dancer's Brothers Lounge."

- [Mike] "Oh man, the duct tape

did not come off easy tonight."

(Leo knocks)

- [Leo] Hey, Joanie, you've got visitors.

- Who is it, Leo?

(Tom mocks Joanie)

- I don't believe it!

Why didn't you tell me you were coming?

Friends of yours?

- Yeah, they're going
to California with me.

This is Michelle Casey, Critter Jones.

- Glad to meet you, Ms. Nichols.

- Hello, Michelle.

Oh, she's pretty.

Hello Critter.

Come in, come in!

Sit down, sit down.

- [Mike] "Sit down!"

- Oh, you met Leo, I guess.

- Well no, not officially.

- [Tom] Mr. Sayer?

- Well, I want you all to meet
my one and only, Leo McCabe.

He owns the place.

- [Crow] "I blink at you."

- Now that we've got the
greetings settled, brother,

tell me what are you doing
out here on the coast?

Did you finally get in
some serious trouble?

- Are you kidding?

None of those good citizens
are hip enough to catch me.

- [Leo] Well, Fuzz may be none
where you come from, friend,

but they're pretty well with
it on the Hollywood scene.

- [Mike] "Nice pants."

- You get me?

- Give you what?

- You've got a gun on you, sweetheart.

- Buzz, my gun, are you kidding me?

- Julie!

- [Crow] "I'm talking to sweetheart."

- I'm not gonna calm, sonny.

Now.

- [Tom] "Red makes me shiny!"

- [Crow] "I enjoy your pants, as well."

- [Tom] Somewhere,
Charlton Heston is weeping.

- When do I get it back?

- You don't.

- There are only a few people in this town

who pack these things,
and most of them are cops.

You need some bread, I can help you.

But I don't like bad
men and kids with guns.

Dig?

- [Mike] "I guess that's groovy."

- You come to my office
and we'll talk, okay?

Ciao.

- [Crow] That's my favorite
breed of Chinese dog.

- [Mike] "Thank God he didn't notice

my weird, pushed in face."

- Don't let him bug you, Buzz.

- Well I'm not bugged,

I just forgot I was in someone
else's ballpark for a moment.

- [Crow] "Started playing Fungo."

- What about you, Michelle?

You gonna be moving on with Critter?

- Nah, she's with me.

- Joanie, I wanna be a dancer.

- Sis, you oughta see her dance.

She is just great.

And I told her you're
gonna help her get started.

- Thanks.

- [Tom] "Does she have any
investment metal boots?"

- Just try me, I'll work.

Really, I will.

- Well, um--

- [Crow] "There is a
breast shortage in LA."

- We'll take a look at you tomorrow.

- Just an audition, that's all I ask.

- Okay, we'll audition you tomorrow.

- [Mike] "You need a bra fit at all, or?"

- Looks as though you folks

pretty well have your future set.

I feel like the Lone Ranger.

Riding off looking after folks

that are going to live happily ever after.

- [Mike] "Well met, fair Critter."

- Well...

so long.

Thanks for the buggy ride.

- Anytime Yak Boy.

- [Crow] "Thanks, Alpaca Man."

- [Mike] "Roadkill, wait!"

- You sure she's with you?

- [Crow] "Yeah, in a
way that makes her look

like she's with other guys."

(Mystery Science Theater 3000 Theme)

(Girl in Gold Boots plays)

- Alright, baby, shake what
your mama gave you, yeah!

- Hey, Tom, have you seen the scotch tape?

What the hell is going on here?

- Well, we set up a
little club here, Mike.

Good times, man!

- But Crow is--

- Shaking his money-maker,
that's right, go baby!

- [Crow] Oh, I'm going,
check this out, watch.

- Oh yeah!

Shake it, good stuff, baby!

- But Crow, he's shaking
all his various things,

and he has a tiny gold bikini on!

- Not for long!

- [Crow] Yeah, but first you
have to stuff money in it.

- Oh, yeah, Mike get my bag,
we gotta start stuffin'.

I got a roll of singles in
there as big as a pork roast.

- No, no.

Crow will keep all his clothes on,

no matter how minuscule they are.

- [Crow] I don't even
usually wear clothes, Mike,

what's your deal?

- I think you're uncomfortable

acknowledging Crow as a sexual being.

- He's not a sexual being,
he's a robot, and so are you.

- Man, you have such body issues, Mike.

- Mike "Taliban" Nelson.

- [Crow] I'm sorry if you're
ashamed of your body, Mike,

we are not.

- Ashamed of our bodies, that is,

we are ashamed of yours.

- [Crow] That's right.

Here I go, watch this!

- No, no come on!
- [Tom] Hey!

- Oh, stop it, in the name of
all that is good and decent.

- Here's the good stuff!

- Yeah!

Hey, bartender, hook me in a longneck

and put on Everybody's
Workin' for the Weekend!

Shake your peach cobbler,
baby, good times!

(alarm sounds)

Ah, hell, we got movies time.

(metallic clanking)

(drawbridge slams open)

(underwater sounds)

(sonar beeps)

(mechanical whirring)

(door clanks open)

- [Tom] Mike, you're such a Puritan.

- [Crow] That was pretty hot.

- We're not going to a hoedown.

You want me to hire you as
a dancer or a dishwasher?

- [Tom] "You'd have to get
a gold hairnet, of course."

- [Mike] "This is from
the LA Skank collection.

- You're about the same size I am.

- [Crow] "Except you're
misshapen and horrible."

- Let's get you into these.

This is what you need to show
off what you've got, baby.

- [Tom] "Let's see here.

Oh, here we go: Help Wanted, Burglar.

Creep Kre-by idiot needed immediately."

- [Mike] No romance.

- Front page.

- [Mike] Yeah, sure, the
front page of the LA times,

$40 Robbery, Nobody Hurt.

- [Crow] "Rhoda, are you home?"

(clears throat)

- [Tom] The votive
candles seem out of place.

- [Crow] "Ta-da!"

- [Mike] Ah, she looks mildly less frumpy.

- How do you like it?

- Beautiful.

- [Tom] "Now I can go to costume parties

dressed as margarine!"

- One more time.

- You're looking terrific.

Get up here.

- [Crow] "Let me help you with
your bowling balls, here."

- [Tom] Uh, Merry Christmas, I guess.

(sparse guitar rock)

Poke.

Salad.

- [Mike] "That's good, but
we're casting The Tempest here."

- [Tom] What, are they doing Feldenkrais?

- [Crow] "Man, it's been dark.

Oh, no wonder."

- Well okay, boys, you've had your fun.

Go on with the work.

- Sure thing Leo.

- Mr. McCabe.

- [Tom] "Sure thing, Mrs. Miller.

D'oh!"

- [Mike] "This is how
you frighten a black bear

in your camp, now let's try dancing."

- [Crow] How do you not
get hired as a dancer here?

(music stops abruptly)

- Yeah, I think she'll do.

Can you have her ready tonight?

- [Mike] "Well, there's license
and dealer prep, but yeah."

- She'll be ready, Leo.

Yeah!

Turn around for me.

- [Tom] Hey!

Oh, bad cut!

- My educated janitor.

Well you look half human,
with that beard gone.

- Don't let that fool you.

- How ya doing?

- [Mike] "How would I know?"

- Things going okay?

- Only one complaint.

- What's that?

- The water's too hard to
make a good bucket of suds.

- [Crow] A-ha, so this movie's

just a diatribe for soft water pellets.

- Don't you remember what I offered ya?

Anytime you say, I could
do much better for you.

Much.

Of course, smart fella like you

shouldn't waste his time on the floors.

- [Mike] I like this new beardless Vermin.

Critter.

- [Tom] "Okay, so I plant my feet

and pretend to almost fall over."

- [Crow] "Hard water and stuff."

- Hey, me, honey.

Come on.

- [Mike] And convulse,
and one, and convulse."

- Hey man, I've been going
around the block for 20 minutes.

- [Tom] "I don't even
have my Earth shoes on."

- 20 minutes, around the schoolyards?

The way you look, they'll be busting you

for a deviant, any second.

Come on, get out of here.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute,

I have a special order
for tomorrow morning.

- [Crow] "Blueberry waffles, man."

- Roy is supposed to hit
this spot, once a week.

And that's all we're going to hit.

- Somebody better be here tomorrow.

Or else you ain't going to
be making any more deliveries

in this neighborhood, baby.

- [Tom] "Being Critter, I'd better

shred up some tissue
for my bedding tonight."

- Well, well.

- [Crow] "That's all I have to say.

Bye."

- Ah, my faithful traveling companion.

- See you've been promoted
from Yak Boy to Mop Boy, huh?

- [Mike] "I have?"

- How's your new job?

You have a chance to murder anybody yet?

- [Tom] "You know, I've been trying, but.

Hey!"

- You stay away from Michelle.

Look, you aren't fooling anyone,

you still got your eye on her.

- [Crow] It fell out on her, I'm sorry.

- I admit, I like Michelle a lot.

Buzz, do you honestly ever
think she'll be your girl?

- I'm warning you,

because I will leave
nothing but the pieces.

- [Mike] "I swear, I will kill you.

Now let's hear Leavin' On a Jetplane.

- Buzz.

- [Tom] "Need a backrub?"

- You know, you're like
a blind rattlesnake.

You here a noise and you just strike.

- [Mike] "Yeah, well, you're
like a deaf puff adder."

- You should try staying calm.

- [Crow] "Think of Perry Como."

- Then you could think, and observe.

If you did that, you'd know I'm
no threat to your love life.

- [Tom] "Get it?

I'm G-A-Y."

- You're about as gutless
as this bike of yours.

- [Mike] "Why if I weren't so tired,

I'd throw more flowery language at you."

- [Crow] Many of these gals

went on to marry some of
the biggest scums in LA.

- [Tom] "These gals make
me laugh every time."

- [Crow] Go, Mary Tyler Moore, go!

- [Mike] Hey, Witchipoo's sitting there.

- [Tom] Hey, get up there,
shake your tail feather.

- [Crow] I hope she has
some sort of gel insert

in her boots, so she
doesn't get shin splints.

- [Mike] Hey, Geraldine.

♫ Keep me in pot for the day ♫

- [Tom] "I really stink!"

- [Crow] Families love it!

- [Tom] They're funnier
than the Ritz Brothers.

- [Mike] Little afternoon delight?

Ah, forget it.

I quit.

- [Crow] "We're celebrating
our anniversary!"

- [Mike] Marlo Thomas and the Marlo-ettes.

- [Crow] Brought to you
by the Gregory Method.

- [Tom] "It's not fun for me anymore.

That move really blew it."

- [Mike] "Man, I left
the Jesuits for this?"

(audience applauds)

- [Crow] Go team!

- [Tom] Band thinks everyone loves them.

- [Crow] Mike, Mike, look, underwear!

- [Mike] I see it, I see it.

- [Tom] Wow.

- I don't think I missed
a single step, did I?

- No, no babe, not a goof in carload.

- [Tom] Great.

(laughs boyishly)

- Thank you for putting
me at the end of the line.

- That isn't your spot.

I just put you there in case they noticed

you made a goof or something,

but that spot belongs to
one of the other girls.

- Well you just leave it there.

Okay?

- [Crow] "Starburst?"

- Thank you.

You don't think it'll
make anyone mad, do you?

- So, let 'em find another joint.

- [Tom] Why do people even go to movies

that don't feature underwear?

- [Crow] I don't know.

- Here.

- [Mike] "Put on Bea Arthur's muumuu."

- Put this on you and
come out front with me.

I want you to meet some of the customers.

It's good for business.

- [Tom] Slippin' into curtains.

(Crow groans in protest)

- [Crow] Goodbye, underwear.

(Crow grunts)

- And that's for tomorrow night.

I want you to dance in Joanie's place.

- [Mike] "Chachi won't
let her dance anymore."

- [Tom] "My intentions
are honarable (chuckles)"

- Oh, she needs the day off.

Besides, she's tired.

- [Tom] "I'm fine, my
suppos have refreshed me."

- [Mike] "Ah, my hair fell down."

- I'm almost out of
pills from Nava holiday.

You'll really be nicer, I mean.

- Lie down now.

Oh, by the way, I'm having
a little party later,

I'd like you there.

Okay?

- Sure.

- Great.

- [Crow] "I think the
greasy pusher likes me!"

- [Tom] "Good luck with
your addiction, bye."

- [Crow] Hey, now sit
like a proper junkie.

♫ Babalu ♫

(repetitive bongo music)

- [Crow] Man, if it gets any wilder here,

a bridge game is going to break out.

- [Mike] Wait, why are
they in a different room?

- [Tom] "Ever seen a tick that big?"

- [Crow] "Um, it's actually a ham roll,

I didn't think you'd light it."

- [Mike] "Hey, suddenly I
love the Allman Brothers."

- [Tom] Come on, let's put
on Sister Mary Elephant.

- [Crow] I think this is
Dawn Rowan's life story.

- [Tom] They're gonna carve
out an apple and finish this.

- [Mike] "Well, I'm hungry
and paranoid, thanks."

- [Tom] "Where am I?"

- [Crow] "Come to my
dimension, it's fun over here."

- You really look great in that dress.

- [Mike] "Can I borrow it sometime?"

- Thank you.

- Your glass is empty.

- [Tom] "Here, take
mine, I'm getting sick."

- Cheers.

- [Crow] "We better go home now, Mom."

- [Mike] "So then the guy
says, 'Dave's not here, man.'"

(laughs stonily)

- I bet you knew him pretty good, eh?

- [Crow] "Can you help me
with my couch on Tuesday?"

- Why don't you show me
what you can really do?

Go on.

Groove baby.

Go on.

- [Mike] Aw, geez, she
sat in the clam dip.

- [Tom] Hey, do you know (bongo babble)?

- [Crow] "Oh, my goodness,
she's hepped up on the drugs."

- [Tom] Dancing for Adlai Stevenson there.

- [Mike] Makes Elaine Benes
look like a good dancer.

- [Tom] "Thanks, that's most exciting."

- [Mike] "I'm over here."

- [Tom] "Whatever, white people."

- [Crow] When "sexy" becomes "annoying."

(Tom laughs goofily)

- [Mike] Yeah, sure, it's fun,
'til someone loses an eye.

- [Crow] Next, Kitty
Carlisle will read 'Howl.

- [Tom] "Yeah, yeah, yeah,
right, right, uh-huh, yeah."

Yeah.

- [Crow] Hey, that's
her Gore-Tex winter bra.

- [Tom] Oh, yeah, you're
worth some steam, baby.

- [Mike] "I should wear a bikini."

My mom's car parties
used to end up like this.

♫ I keep your gold boots movin' ♫

♫ Or your silver ones, we
don't mean to discriminate

♫ Against the other color boots, hoo ♫

♫ I keep your gold boots movin', yeah

- [Crow] Do the wounded turkey!

(gobbles)

- [Tom] Boy, I'm glad Oliver
Platt didn't get this role.

- [Mike] Yeah.

You know, now it's kind of
like vaguely sexual wallpaper.

(crowd cheers)

- [Crow] "I couldn't possibly
go farther in show business!"

- [Mike] "Thank you, I
hope that in my small way,

I kept my gold boots moving.

Thank you.

Thank you."

- Well, well.

Glad to see somebody made it.

You know, I hate doing
business with leery people,

like Marty, you know what I mean?

That's how people get popped.

- [Crow] Arafat in the 60's.

- Where's the junk?

- Relax, live a little bit.

I mean, what's the use
passing all this bread

if we can't have fun, right, baby?

- [Mike] (laughs) We're hippies.

- You know, for a loose
cat, you sure learn it fast.

- [Crow] (giggles) Pushing's fun!

- The money first, huh?

- What's the matter,
don't you trust me, Buzzy?

- [Tom] He's Ruth Buzzi?

- I wouldn't trust you
with a care package.

- [Crow] "Well, it's sweaty,

and it's got Cruex on it, but..."

- Hey, Joey.

Why don't you look at the tire, huh?

- [Mike] "Sure, I enjoy a good radial,

as much as the next guy."

- [Tom] "Yeah, this thing is
coated with squirrel guts."

- Okay, see you next Friday, Buzzy.

Second and Maine, don't forget.

2pm?

Okay, baby.

See you later, Buzzy.

- [Crow] Oh, I hope he comes

to the pusher's Christmas party.

- [Tom] "I take pride in
knowing I provide the kids

quality drugs at reasonable prices."

- [Mike] "Excuse me, young
fellow, can I get a fix?"

(Cartoony chase music)

- [Tom] "Really, I'm very strung out

and in need of some Mary Jane, or reefer."

- [Crow] Slipping on filth is fun!

- [Mike] "Thought you could
break up with me, huh?"

- [Crow] "Please, don't
explain my SARSEP to me!"

- [Tom] It's The Tab Hunters!

(mismatched guitar sounds)

- [Crow] "Do you guys ever
notice those girls in front of us

when we play, what's that about?"

- Hey man, hold it.

- [Mike] Hey, someone's taking

Schmidt guitar lessons back there.

- Who's that?

- I don't know, but I like it.

- [Crow] Look at these hippies.

Get a haircut!

- [Tom] "I keep missing the strings."

- Hi.

- Hello.

- I was just listening in.

What's the name of that tune?

- [Mike] I call it "Lousy."

- Doesn't really have a name yet.

I've been thinking about calling it:

Do You Wanna Laugh or Cry?

- Oh, it's one of yours?

I liked it, that's a good sound.

- Oh, I'm Chris Howard.

- [Tom] Who cares?

- Critter Jones.

- You have this thing written down?

- Just the words.

Never dreamed anyone
else would wanna play it.

- Well, why don't you come out front,

let's give it to the guys.

I'd like to see what they
could do with it, okay?

- Sure.

- [Tom] I really enjoyed that one bar.

- [Chris] Do you have any more of those?

- Yeah, I got a bunch lyin' around.

- [Mike] "Great, 'cos
we may wanna burn 'em,

or crap on 'em, or something."

(band plays Do You Wanna Laugh or Cry)

♫ Sounds of former meaning

- [Crow] Hey, My Three Sons
grew up and started a band.

And hired two other guys, I guess.

♫ Wonder why

- [Mike] Kevin Spacey and
William Holden enjoy the show.

- [Tom] "One-ee and-a
two-ee, and, oh, damn."

- [Crow] No, no, it's not working,

maybe what I heard this morning
was the furnace kicking in."

♫ Do you want to laugh or cry ♫

♫ Or look like John Tesh ♫

- If you gentlemen will excuse me.

- Oh, you don't have to go yet, baby.

- Yes, I have to get
changed for my next show.

- Don't be too long.

(Mystery Science Theater 3000 Theme)

- [Tom] "Man, who wrote that
turd of a song out there?

P.U."

- Now I won't have to say
goodbye to you in a note.

- [Mike] "I can say it
in semaphore flags."

- Are you really leaving
this time, Critter?

- Yes.

- [Crow] "As soon as I finish

my sculpture of Devil's Tower."

- If you took a good look around you,

you would, too.

Close the door.

- [Mike] "Be on the other side of it."

- Now sit down.

- [Mike] "You've probably
never done it before,

so let me show you how."

- Leo deals in narcotics.

LSD, and you name it.

And Buzz is up to here in it with him.

- So?

- [Tom] "I think they should
expand into angel dust."

- I sold a couple of songs
today, for a hundred bucks.

You can have half.

- [Crow] "Some guy paid
me to destroy them."

- 50 dollars...

It's more than anyone else has offered me.

You don't even want me.

- Hey, I'm not trying to be funny.

- [Mike] Man, I wish that
were true of Jim Carrey.

- I was afraid you were.

- [Tom] "So, can I have your autograph?"

- Look, Michelle.

You can't afford to get
mixed up with this bunch.

- Who says I have to get
mixed up with anyone?

- [Crow] "I was just lap dancing

for some old guys, that's all."

- Listen to me, Michelle.

The pigs of this world won't
let you sit on the fence

above the mud and watch
the action for very long.

- [Mike] They want corn husks.

- You either run when they spot you,

or they'll pull you down.

Then, you have no choice.

- Now, I say, they have a spot in you,

and it's time we find a new
fence to straddle for a while.

- [Crow] Not a chain-link,
though, that would hurt.

- Just ask me to go away
with you and I will.

- What in the devil do
you think I've been doing?

- I mean ask me because you want me.

Because you need me.

- Doesn't matter what I want.

Or need.

- [Michelle] Critter.

- [Mike] Where?

Oh.

- Please tell me that you love me.

Then I'll go away with you.

We can get out of here together.

- Tell you a thing like that?

And then have you hate my guts
when you find out about me?

- [Crow] Her?

- Not on your life, baby.

- Find out about what?

- [Mike] Yeah.

- Alright.

You asked for it.

- [Mike] "I don't like potatoes."

- You think I'm just a college
dropout from the peace corps.

Well, I'm much bigger than that.

- [Mike] "I'm Adolf Hitler."

- Next week I'll be on the
Wanted list of the FBI.

Finley Jones, alias Critter Jones.

- [Crow] Alias Smith and Jones.

- Wanted for refusal to serve this country

in the time of a national emergency.

- Are you supposed to be in the army?

- Next week I'm supposed
to be, only I won't.

- A draft dodger.

You?

- I don't know.

All I know is that I gotta
find a hole to crawl into,

so they can't find me.

- [Tom] Talk to Courtney Love.

- [Critter] That's the kind of man I am.

One that's gotta find
a hole to crawl into.

- Alright, you'll find your hole.

(Tom snickers)

Me, I'm staying here.

Or should I leave?

Leo says I'm really going places.

Just because he deals in
dope, that doesn't tarnish me.

- Oh, that's what you think, baby.

Tarnish isn't a strong enough
word for what he'll do to you.

Try "corrode" for size.

- [Tom] Yeah, corrode!

Great!

- Why don't you take
a good look at Joanie?

She's been places with Leo.

And there's a trashy book written
in every line on her face.

- Aren't you the great one?

- [Mike] Gretzky?

- Solving other people's problems.

- [Crow] "Hey, I polished
my shirt for you!"

- [Mike] "Bad Traveler, bad boy!"

- [Tom] So he became a
busker in the London tubes.

♫ I love her lips

♫ The touch of her hand

♫ I love her eyes, the way they shine ♫

♫ If I could save time in a bottle ♫

♫ Something inside me makes my heart grow

- [Tom] One of Morrissey's
more upbeat songs.

♫ Could be the reason

- [Mike] I guess he's got a microphone

implanted in his throat.

- [Crow] "I can't go out with you,

because I'm considerably bigger than you."

- [Mike] "Oh, what's that over there?

Hum-da-dum, dum dum dum
dum, da, dadum, hum dum."

- [Crow] "I'm gonna take off,

I'm meeting someone for lunch."

- [Mike] I'm gonna tune
that D string, there.

(Mike mimics guitar string tuning)

♫ I have a feeling I'm wasting my time

- [Crow] He gets a nice harmonica
sound out of that guitar.

♫ Kissing her lips is
just like sweet wine ♫

♫ Mogan David and man, oh, Manischewitz ♫

- [Mike] "Say, I just remembered,

can you return that one book I lent you?"

- [Crow] "Okay then, I'm
not coming back, this time."

♫ Sweet wine ♫

- [Tom] Draft board just called
and told him "never mind."

- [Mike] Don't ask, don't sing.

- [Crow] "Look, I'm
getting a little annoyed

with you summoning me back
here every 5 seconds."

- [Tom] "Could you at least get

your guitar neck out of my ear?"

- [Mike] "Oh, I see, Critter,

you're giving them your version."

♫ Oh, bitter dregs ♫

♫ Oh, sweet wine ♫

♫ Oh fur-lined bra ♫

- [Tom] Underwear.

(vault door slams)

(door slams)

(sonar beeps)

(mechanical whirring)

(door slams)

♫ Your lips are slender

♫ Your eyes are blue

♫ Your hair is blonde

♫ Your lips, the way they're red

♫ Your skin, your fingers,
your ears, your nose

♫ Your touch, your feet

♫ I am sad

- Uh, Mike, the water there?

It got into a fuse box,
there's a small fire.

That's okay, we'll get it.

♫ Oh

♫ I need you so much I fall down and cry

♫ You smile, and you die
- Mike, look, oh, I'll wait.

♫ You're like wine

- Mike, the fire's a little
worse than we thought,

it must've got into some
insulation or something.

Hoo boy.

♫ Oh

♫ I woo many ladies

♫ They are fair ladies, all

- Look, Mike, what we need you to do

is to move out of that part of the ship.

♫ Raindrops and snowflakes and puppies

- Mike, will you forget about

the raindrops and the puppies and get out?

My support is failing, decks
three through seven are gone,

oh my God, somebody help!

♫ Her eyes, they're like wine, yes wine

- Yeah, Mike, we got it.

There's still a lot of
smoke and water down here,

but as far as we know, it's alright.

Look, we're gonna go
make some nachos, okay?

(singing continues)
- Nachos, whoa be right there!

- [Mike] Oh, good God.

- [Crow] "This is the new dancer,

just wanted to get him a
locker and a gold bikini."

- Well, mister, if you're a cop,

I want you to know, I'm not responsible

for this man in any way, or manner.

Just so happens he's the
brother of one of my dancers.

He blew in last night from back East.

- A cop?

Heaven forbid.

No, I'm no cop.

However, I am associated with the police.

Rather closely associated.

- He is, Leo, but he's
got one beautiful scam.

Now, you better listen
to what he has to say.

- [Mike] "Uh, boss, you
gonna take your shot?"

- Since when did you start
telling me what I should hear?

- [Tom] "At the company retreat,

you said you'd be more open to ideas!"

- What do you want?

- Well, you see, one of my
best friends is a hop head.

- You have my sentiments.

- There's no need for concern.

- [Crow] Mary Tyrone?

- He's well-fed by a sort of
a foster mother, named Joey.

- Never heard of him.

- That's just as well.

I'm sure that you prefer a
higher degree of intelligence

in your employees.

Joey isn't very bright.

- He proved that by not
listening to my story.

- Well he sounds pretty smart to me.

- [Man] Poor Joey is
also not very careful.

When he refused to listen,
it became necessary

for me to follow him and
speak to his connection.

Young man with far more on the ball.

You might find it
expedient to promote him.

- Oh, really?

- [Crow] "Yeah, Dad, I've really
learned a lot about drugs!"

- Of course, this is no surprise to me.

The connection should always
be smarter than the pusher.

If he weren't, then he
would be the pusher,

the pusher would be he.

- Leo, look, he told me

he's a trustee at the
Eastwood County Jail,

about 40 miles from here.

- And I've been a guest
there on other occasions.

- Yeah, yeah.

Now he says the narcotics squad out there

made a big hit last weekend.

Leo picked up over $100,000 of stuff.

- They keep it in an
empty cell at the jail.

Locked, of course.

Now that's where I enter
the picture, once more.

- I suppose you've go the keys?

- Fella, I'd never steal
anything as worthless as a key.

Your desk locked?

- [Tom] "I need a paperclip
to clean my ears."

- Yeah.

Why?

- Excuse me.

- [Mike] I'm gonna go over here and fart.

- [Tom] "So, gonna get in a
caper with Grover Cleveland."

- What are you doing?

- Sir, I'm going to give you

a $100,000 demonstration in ten seconds.

- [Mike] "Man, that's disgusting."

- [Tom] "Broke the key off in the lock."

- Now that cell door is much easier.

- "Well, got me a fresh
sack of Critter pellets."

- And you only want a third.

- Well I've been thinking of retiring.

My wants are quite simple, really.

- [Crow] "Easy Cheese and Cannon reruns."

- Tonight, I shall get good and drunk.

- [Mike] It's good to
have dreams, I guess.

- Tomorrow, I'll be at
Eastwood County Jail

with their number one trustee.

- [Tom] Ahead of Otis?

- I need only one brave man.

- I think I know you, what's your name?

- The boy'll do.

- [Crow] Boy?

- Even if he does think I'm nutty.

- What's your name?

- [Crow] "Bob Ovalhead."

- Blatz.

Harry Blatz.

- [Mike] I brewed a pretty
crummy beer, I admit it.

- [Tom] "Well, I have a private
meeting in my oil tank."

- Excuse me, Mr. Blatz,

while I have a talk with
this bright young man.

- [Tom] Everyone thinks he's so young!

The guy's in his 40's!

- I don't know.

- [Crow] "This guy's no Joseph Coors."

- You tell me.

Can you get it?

- [Mike] "What, the mac?"

- You mean I can go with Harry?

- If you can get back here with the stuff,

without the cops, yeah.

But if you bungle it--

- [Tom] "No circus pizza later."

- Remember.

I don't know you, man.

Now where's my money?

- [Mike] "I spent it all
on these magic beans!"

- [Crow] "Wow, a young kid like me!

Breaking into crime!"

- [Mike] "You hear that, Traveler?"

- Yeah, the boys tried to take him home,

but he grabbed one of their flashlights,

and threw it through a plate glass window.

- [Mike] "Me?

Oh, I'm still ugly."

- Well, if he wants to live off of county,

he can go to the welfare department.

The judge'll probably give
him 10 days, this time.

I'm gonna work his tail off, all the time.

- [Crow] "So, you called 911, what's up?"

- Okay, bye.

- [Mike] Boy, the rooters are stacking up.

- [Mike] Man, if you're
the town drunk of LA,

you've got a problem.

- Alright, Harry, let's
get some work done.

- [Crow] He uses his one call
to have liquor delivered.

- [Tom] "Now my widow's
peak snaps into action!"

- [Mike] "We had another
Bloody Christmas episode

in the holding cell.

Clean it up, would ya?"

- [Crow] I think prison garbage

would be damper than that, Mike.

- [Mike] The true story of

The Great Mendocino County Garbage Heist.

- [Tom] Good thing he's
so young and agile.

- [Mike] Aw, he's just a
kid, be careful up there.

- [Tom] "Whoa, big neck cramp!"

- [Crow] So young.

- [Mike] Very young.

- [Tom] "Can't keep all this
luscious refuse to myself!"

- Here this'll give you

something to do with those busy hands.

- [Crow] What is he implying?

- Okay, what do we do now?

- Just follow me and act
as if you lived here.

- [Mike] Remember when the movie

was just hot girls dancing around?

- [Crow] Oh, yeah.

- [Tom] "Just about time
for my Jery Orbach lessons."

- [Crow] "I reproduced
asexually while I was out, sir."

- [Mike] Tonight, on Oz...

- Morning, Helgas.

- Harry, I thought you got out.

- I have returned.

- Man, when I get out of here,

I don't ever want to see the
inside of this place again.

- Otis, say hello to Buzz.

- Buzz.

Whatcha in for?

- Oh, his wife claims that he beat her up.

- Yeah, you know how broads are.

- No, I've been here 18 months.

- Well, enough of the chit chat, boys.

We best get on with our duties.

I don't want to be responsible

for you going on bread and
water on your very first day.

- [Crow] "Although, they do make a great

onion and rosemary focaccia."

- What are you trying to do?

- Merely establish your witness,

in case I ever needed one.

- Well I don't like it.

- There's nothing to be concerned about.

He has no way to finger
you, without my help.

- [Tom] And since you're
wearing a jumpsuit.

- You see, I've been planning
my retirement for some time.

(loud knocking)

- Let's go.

- [Mike] "There's some
garbage in the Men's room

I'm just itching to get my hands on."

- [Crow] This place could use a plant,

or a kitten poster or something.

- [Tom] At least one of
those motivational posters.

- [Mike] Like "You can get out of jail,

you can escape."

- [Tom] Yeah.

- [Crow] "Well, thanks
for getting me in here,

I'll see you in the soup line tomorrow."

- Well open it up.

- [Tom] "No, I mean your jumpsuit."

- Come on.

- [Mike] So now he's
breaking further into jail.

That doesn't seem very wise.

- You go.

- Don't worry.

- [Tom] "I'm Pat McCormick."

- All my little precautions
have now been taken.

From here on it's as easy as

falling off of the Earth we dwell in.

- [Crow] No, don't, you
idiot, what are you--

- Take the statues, put
them into the wastebasket,

you carry them to your car and drive away.

And I won't mind seeing you go.

Because I know that
there's now only one way

you can keep me from standing my ship.

- [Mike] "Yup, that's the way,
you figured out how to do it:

beating in my skull with a tire iron.

Oop, there's my brains on the floor."

- [Tom] Harry Blatz is dead.

Falling water signs have
stopped for the day.

- [Mike] "Yes, my plan is perfect,

I've been spotted by several
people, and I killed a guy."

- [Tom] Now what can you expect?

He's just a child.

(Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme)

- You may think the success with Leo,

and all the crooks in this joint,

mean you got the world by the tail,

but that ain't the case, baby.

It's got you by the tail.

- [Mike] Man, she put on seven pairs

of false eyelashes and didn't notice.

- [Tom] "So, you going
to the company picnic?"

- [Mike] Crack!

Now in easy-to-take crack tablets.

- You wouldn't believe it,

but I came to this town four years ago,

and I was just as young and as fresh--

- [Crow] "As Marianne Faithfull."

- As you are right now.

And see this hand?

Was steady as a rock.

- [Mike] "Then I saved Private Ryan."

- And I had a pretty mind.

- [Tom] "I used to dress
it up in nice clothes."

- I had a pretty mind!

- [Crow] "Then my mind had
babies and got stretch marks."

- Oh, God, I wish I had
that pretty mind back.

- [Tom] "Yeah, well, so can I
borrow your lipstick or not?"

- Joan!

- [Tom] The Laurel and Hardy of strippers.

- Help!

Help me please!

- [Crow] Her false eyelashes
are smothering her!

- Help!

- [Mike] Doctor Critter.

- Michelle, get that junk off the couch.

- [Tom] "Scrape it off, steam it off,

oh you better just boil the couch."

- What happened?

- [Michelle] I don't
know, she just fainted.

- [Mike] "She took three pounds
of heroin and just fainted,

I don't know what happened."

- [Mike] "Well, now we
gotta drag her out on stage

and take her clothes off manually."

- [Critter] I'm sure you know
what's wrong with her, Leo.

- [Mike] "You used to be on
staff at the Mayo Clinic."

- [Leo] Well, knowing Joanie,
I could imagine, Critter.

Probably on a bad trip
from those pills she takes.

- She did take one not
long before she fainted.

- [Leo] One?

Not the first time this has happened.

It's become a habit with her.

- Somebody better call a doctor.

- [Leo] Nobody's calling a doctor.

- [Crow] "I'm a Christian scientist."

- [Leo] She'll survive,
the way she always does.

- [Tom] Wow, his head must've
brushed against the ceiling.

- You know, maybe it's
too bad she will survive.

- [Mike] "She has to
shave my back tonight."

- [Leo] She used to be a good dancer.

She still is, but she's losing her spark.

Besides, she's old hat,
with the customers.

- [Mike] She's a straw boater?

- [Leo] Michelle,

you may be the luckiest girl in Hollywood.

- [Crow] No, that would be Lea Thompson.

- [Tom] I'll say.

- You've got what it takes
to really blow their minds.

It isn't wearing boots.

So, starting tonight, you'll
replace Joanie permanently.

And you'll be the number
one attraction here.

- I couldn't do that to Joan.

- (laughs) I bet you can.

- [Mike] He is a tower of oil.

- And if it leaves you
conscience, let me tell you,

she wouldn't bat an eye stompin' on you.

And if you don't take her
place, somebody else will.

- [Crow] Like Charles Durning.

- All this means an
apartment, like Joan's.

Car.

- [Tom] Plymouth Sundance.

- A wardrobe.

Your name up in lights.

Believe me, baby, there ain't nothin'

like the sound of people clapping
for you night after night.

- [Crow] Getting them to
clap night after night

is a different thing, of course.

- I'm a lector at church today, am I late?

- Look what it's done for me.

- [Mike] Well this is a nice scene.

- [Crow] It's sweet.
- [Joanie] Get out of here.

- Get out, get out!

- Who do you think you're talking to?

- I'm talking to you!

- Get out of here!

- [Mike] No, stop.

- You shut up, you shut
up you trampy bitch!

- [Crow] Hey!

(Tom groans)

- Pig!

- [Tom] Boss, I'm running to
the stables, you need anything?

- You rotten pig!

- [Crow] "Well, I'll check
the employee handbook,

but I think that's out of line."

- Get out!

- [Crow] Oh, okay.

- [Mike] Man, even the
sex and drug industry

has a seedier side.

- Leo?

Got your stuff right here.

Everything went off great, just great.

- [Tom] "Killed a guy, though."

- And old Harry Blatz retired
earlier than he planned to.

- Shut up!

- Old Harry?

Just who is this Harry Blatz?

- How do you know the
name Harry Blatz, Critter?

- [Mike] Look what I found
under here, I'm just gonna...

- Look, what you guys do
is no business of mine.

You're playing a game I don't know.

And one I don't wanna know.

If you don't mind, I'll
just take my leave.

Come on, Michelle, you're going with me.

- It's too late for that decision, friend.

You are involved.

You're not going any place.

Get in here.

- [Tom] How long you been
saving that sight gag, Mike?

- [Mike] Oh, not long, I
don't know, eight years?

- Just like I said, Michelle.

Pigs have finally pulled us down.

- Sit down.

- [Mike] "Oh, that hurt."

- [Tom] Splash.

Splash!

- [Crow] This scene
sponsored by Paneling World.

Paneling World, for all
your paneling needs.

- [Mike] "No."

- [Tom] Don't get hair
grease on the pool table!

- [Mike] Yeah, don't.

- [Crow] "My complexion!"

- [Tom] When nominal group
process gets out of control.

- [Mike] "Nyah, see?"

- [Michelle] You're killing him!

- [Mike] "No, please,
I'm shusheptible, shee?

Shtop it, my shishter."

- [Crow] Well, there goes his
conscientious objector status.

Wow.

- [Tom] "Losing oil."

(gulps)

- Okay.

Okay, you've made your point.

- [Mike] "We'll get the
damn water softener."

- Take your girl and get out of here.

- Uh-uh, the muck's too deep in here.

- [Tom] Well it's your
fault, you're the janitor.

- [Crow] "Look, just take a stripper

out of petty cash and leave, huh?"

- [Mike] "You have to dial 9."

- Operator?

Give me the police department.

- [Tom] "Hello, Ocean.

No, this isn't the police, Mr. Critter.

No don't worry, we're one number off,

we get those calls a lot, that's okay.

Buh-bye now."

- [Mike] Man, those
signs are close together

if you're going 65.

- [Tom] Ah, so he learned
he enjoys violence,

and he's ready to kill, like a man oughta.

- [Crow] Ah, so she stopped dancing

and now she's in a barbershop
quartet, now, I guess.

- [Mike] "Oh boy, how'd I get into this?

She's dumb as a brick.

Hi."

- [Tom] "Oh no, honey, you promised me

you'd throw your guitar in the ocean!"

♫ You can dance on the rim of a rainbow

♫ Walk a tightrope across the sky

♫ But you must come down

♫ Put your feet on the ground

♫ By and by

- [Crow] Do the giant toddler dance!

♫ You can shoot the curl free and easy

- [Tom] "Honey, way to play
the harmonica with your ass!"

♫ Put your feet in the sand once more

- [Mike] So here's a puzzler:

Who of these two is
worse at their art form?

- [Crow] That's deep, man.

♫ Unless you're in love,

♫ In love with the wind

- [Tom] She's dancing the
special to T.G.I. Fridays.

- [Crow] Well, I hope
she tells us, in dance,

about the Jack Daniel's grill.

♫ But you must come down

♫ Put your feet on the ground

♫ By and by ♫

♫ You're living a lie ♫

♫ You gotta come down ♫

♫ You dance like a clown ♫

♫ By and by ♫

♫ I hope that you die ♫

- [Crow] Ah, no prize.

- [Mike] I wonder if her dad

will try to give her away at the wedding.

- [Crow] Yeah, he'll probably
try to sell her, actually.

- [Tom] No, I bet Dad's
cleaned up since we saw him,

and now he owns a chain of EAT's.

♫ Remember the begininning

♫ This is just like the beginning

♫ It's just like the beginning, yeah

♫ Girl ♫

- [Tom] Filmed on location, at EAT.

- [Mike] And special thank, to EAT.

♫ And I just can't get off this one note

♫ Keep your silver bra
filled with breast ♫

(door creaks shut)

(door slams)

(sonar beeps)

(mechanical whirring)

(door slams)

(Mike chuckles)

(Crow joins chuckling)

(Tom joins chuckling)

- Hey, we're all dressed like
that ugly thug in the movie.

- Yeah

(all chuckle)

(all sigh)

- So, your experiment caused them

to dress as Armenian mobsters and giggle.

- Look at those poor
dopes writhing in pain,

what do you think, huh?

Pretty high falutin mad science, huh?

- Right, not even fit for a
guest spot on Beakman's World.

- What?

No!

I am evil, I even went and
killed my monkey for you!

- What?

- Oh, shut up and die, fat head.

- I'm off.

- No, sir, come on, you can't leave.

I have to take over the world.

- There's absolutely nothing
truly evil going on here.

(Girl in Gold Boots plays)

Wait a minute.

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Forrester, this is mad.

Decidedly mad.

You showed us something quite new.

- It is new, isn't it?

- It's absolutely horrifying.

- Alright, Forrester, you're in.

Conditionally.

Can he pony?

- Can I pony?

- If we can harness this level of terror,

we can rule the world!

(both laugh maniacally)

(Mystery Science Theater theme)

- Oh, God, I hope he airs
that pretty mine back.

- [Voiceover] Produced in association

with the Sci-Fi Channel.