Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 11, Episode 11 - Horrors of Spider Island - full transcript
A spider bitten dance producer terrorizes his bikini clad dancers after they're stranded on an island while on their way to Singapore. Meanwhile, Crow publishes his own syndicated column in the Boston Globe, though it's not as substantial as Larry King's. In order to save money on her monkey license, Pearl has Castle Forrester moved to a nicer neighborhood though not with Observer's help, which has certain financial consequences. She later has to move back when she learns she can't dump garbage out her window. After getting caught in a giant spider web, Mike plays the role of dance producer and has Pearl and her minions audition to join his own Singapore-bound troop. Then, after recreating the plane crash from the movie to test a theory, Mike gets bitten by a giant spider and becomes one himself though the resemblance isn't nearly as apparent to Tom and Crow. In the end, Pearl has to explain the birds and the bees to Prof. Bobo.
THEME SONG: In the not too
distant future, somewhere
in time and space, Mike
Nelson and his robot pals
are caught in a nasty place.
They try to survive the wrath
of Pearl, just an evil gal who
wants to rule the world.
From her castle below,
she sets her sights above,
just to torture all the captives
on the Satellite of Love.
Get me down!
I'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst I can find.
La, la, la.
He'll have to sit
and watch them all.
And I'll monitor his mind.
La, la, la.
Now, keep in mind
Mike can't control
where the movies begin or end.
La, la, la.
He'll try to keep his sanity
with the help of his robot
friends.
Robot roll call.
Cambot-- you're on-- Gypsy-- oh
my gosh-- Tom Servo-- check me
out-- Crow-- I'm different.
If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes
and other science
facts-- la, la, la--
just repeat to yourself,
it's just a show.
I should really just relax for
"Mystery Science Theater 3000."
-(SINGING) Ooh, don't you
know, doo, doo, doo, doo.
Oh, hey, Mike.
I see you've got
today's "Boston Globe."
-Yeah, Crow.
I didn't know you had
a syndicated column
in the lifestyle section
of many major newspapers.
-Oh, sure.
I was inspired by Larry
King's column in "USA Today."
-"My $0.2, by Crow T Robot."
-Yeah.
-"I said it before,
and I'll say it again.
Shoelaces are handy,
even necessary,
to many of today's shoe styles."
-Yeah.
-"Volleyball player Gabrielle
Reece is the best athlete
in the world in arguably the
most difficult of all sports."
-Right.
-"The Boeing 727 is still
my favorite aircraft."
-Mm-hmm.
-"I give Supreme Court Justice
Antonin Scalia a B plus."
-Yep.
-"Television shows
aired last night."
Crow, I have to say,
this column doesn't
seem particularly substantive.
-Oh, thanks, Mike.
You should have seen
last Tuesday's column.
I remarked on a patty
melt I had for lunch.
-Must have been fascinating.
Now, who reads this column?
[HUMS]
-You, for one.
-I just read it.
-Crow, you were right
on about shoelaces, man.
I don't know what we'd do
without journalists like you
tellin' it like it is.
-We'll be right back.
-Wow.
Television shows
did air last night!
[CHUCKLES]
-Man!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-OK, Mike, is this
more substantial?
"Could there be more goose
poop in my front yard?"
-No.
-No, it's not more substantial?
Or no, there could not be
more goose poop in my--
-Let's see what
Pearl's up to, OK?
-I just wanted an answer.
[THUNDER]
-Huh?
-What the--
-What's going on?
-Hey!
Hey, look at this.
Another button.
-I never noticed
that before-- Hello?
[GRUNT]
-Oh, hi, Mike.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you we
were moving the castle.
I didn't mean to
leave you home alone.
Well, anyway, we had to.
I finally got sick of paying $50
a year for my monkey license.
-Uh, where do you
want the silverware?
-Well, in the kitchen
where it always goes.
$50.
I'm not gonna pay
the government $50
for the privilege
of owning a monkey.
How much do you pay for
your little things up there?
-Well, not that much.
-Really?
-Exactly.
So anyway, we're living
in a much better place.
It's quieter.
Frankly, it's a
better neighborhood.
And they only charge $10 a
year for the monkey license.
Pretty shrewd, huh?
-And it's a nice one, too.
Look, it's red.
-Wow.
Real neat.
Does seem like kind of a
commotion just to save the $40,
but you know, what do I know?
-Yeah.
-Right?
-Oh no, Mike, it only cost $2.3
million to move the castle.
So it'll pay off in
about 3,512 years,
assuming 2% inflation each year.
So you see how much
sense it makes.
-Well, maybe if
you'd moved it with
that big deal brain of yours--
-I'm not that omnipotent, Pearl.
And besides, we, we
packed everything up,
moved the castle here, only
to unpack it and put it
back again in the same place.
I mean, why?
-Oh, I actually have a
pretty good reason for that.
-OK.
-It's because--
-Ow, oh.
Oh.
-It's real official, too.
Look.
"For control of parasite- and
disease-riddled smelly apes."
That's me.
-Go lay down, Bobo.
Lay down.
As for you up there--
-Oh, I'd imagine that,
what with all the moving,
you don't even have time for
a movie for us today, do you?
-Nah.
-Huh?
-Nah.
-Huh?
-Yeah, right.
Oh, no movie.
Oh, except for this one.
And it's a really bad movie.
It's called "Horrors
of Spider Island."
I hope that's OK.
[DOGS BARKING OFFSCREEN]
[BOBO BARKING]
-Real peaceful in the
new neighborhood, too.
-Hey, shh.
No!
[BARKING]
-Gah.
[ROBOTS BARKING]
-Ah, no.
Not the chain bark.
And we got movie sign.
Come on.
-"Horrors of Spider Island."
-Hey, gi-give us a
chance to sit down.
-Yeah.
What's going on?
-[SUGGESTIVE_CHUCKLE]
-It's an anagram for
"a bra bra navel nite."
-[LAUGHS]
-Ah, Temple Foster, where
they worship Australian beer.
-Hey, they're playing
make-out music, Mike.
What do you say?
-Get out of here.
-Come on.
-Hm?
Hm?
Hm?
-No.
Now, too bad we can grab
this movie with a tissue
and crumple it and flush
it down the toilet.
Suppose we could.
-Pacemaker.
Ironically, they used a lot
of microwave ovens and metal
detectors during this movie.
Heh.
-Well.
-Spider Island,
home to the stars.
-Woo.
-This is back when
every car was filled
with a private investigator.
-[SINGS_WITH_BACKGROUND_MUSIC]
-Boy, Spider Island's
all built up now.
-Hey, that guy took
his boat on land.
-Wow.
[SINGS WITH BACKGROUND MUSIC]
-(SINGING) Do the parallel park.
It's the parallel park.
Do the park, park,
parky, park, park.
-(WHISPERS) Yeah.
-It's a dames and
broads audition.
[BURPS]
-Hey, nice office
for an enlisted man.
-Here's Singapore, in
the south of Malaya,
population
approximately 550,000.
-Yeek.
-University shipbuilding,
important sea port.
-Doesn't it say anything
about the 32 nightclubs there?
-Have you already worked
down in Singapore?
-No.
-Not to work.
However, I once had a
friend, an oil sheik.
He took me with him down there.
He was quite a guy.
[CHUCKLES]
-Those are the guys that run
around in turbans, aren't they?
-Listen, honey.
When they take
those turbans off,
they're just like any other man.
-Turbanless.
-Got a light?
Ah.
-Lucky sign.
-Looking forward to
going to Singapore?
-Hm, I don't really
care where I dance,
as long as the pay's good.
[BUZZER]
-'Scuse me.
-I'm Bob Box-body.
-That's him now.
-I mind very much if you smoke.
-Hey, quit doing your
Sharon Stone impersonation.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-I've already been to Singapore.
-And you look like it.
-Oh, Gary.
-(CHUCKLING) (IMITATING GARY)
I said, "And you look like it."
-Ah.
-Dr. Strangelove!
-Hello, Gary.
Hi, Georgia.
You're looking
prettier every day.
How in the world are you doing?
-Mike?
-Yeah?
-Have you told the girls
what this is all about?
-Sure, Gary.
A tour for a dancing troupe,
first engagement, Singapore.
I've 12 of them
here to pick from.
-Enjoy, Gary.
-OK, Georgia.
Let the girls in.
We don't have much time.
-All right if we've
start now, Mr. Blackwood?
-Of course.
[GRUNTS]
-Oh, but one at a
time for, please.
-OK.
May?
-We're looking for someone
who will sleep with us.
-Smile, will ya?
-How do you do?
That's Mr. Webster, the manager.
And this is May.
She's the finest dancer in town.
-See?
-What was your last engagement?
-With the Coquettes, one year.
-Ah, one of the finest.
-Mm.
Legs?
-Pardon me?
-Mr. Webster would like
to look at your legs.
-Oh, sure.
-Suppress it, suppress it.
-Thank you.
You're hired.
Please wait outside.
-Oh, thank you.
-Hm.
May, Coquettes.
-And this is Rhonda Hunter.
-Dancer?
-Not really.
But I pick things up real fast.
-Hm.
-(FALSETTO) Well, let's
see your clavicle.
-Thank you.
We're looking for dancers.
-But what's that got
to do with Singapore?
-Come on.
Come on, honey.
Don't hold us up.
-This is how "Ms.
Magazine" does its hiring.
-Babs?
-Babs played fullback
for the Lions.
-This is Babs.
Her legs are worth
their weight in gold.
-Can those golden
legs also dance?
-I was solo dancer in
the Apollo Variety.
-And why did you leave there?
-Well, the boss
really went for her,
but his wife thought otherwise.
-There it is again!
-All right, you can
work with as long
as you don't have any affairs.
Mr. Webster doesn't
tolerate any fooling around.
-Yeah, that's cool.
-I had all the boys I can take.
-Come on.
Carolyn?
-(OLD WOMAN VOICE) Is
this the Ensure auditions?
-This little one's from
the National Ballet.
-Could you dance a
little bit for us?
-Glad to.
Would you put this
one on for me?
-Sure.
Let's have a look.
-But none of that modern stuff.
Just shake your dinners.
-(FALSETTO) This is called
"You'll Never Have Sex With
Me."
-Thank goodness
she has that belt,
or her outfit would
fall right off.
-Well, boss, we
can always pay her
in cigarettes,
cocaine, and coffee.
-"The Horrors of Spider Island."
-He's supported by
a generous grant
from the Onan Foundation
and the Chubb Group.
-Oh, she made him vomit.
Ugh.
-All right, can
the crap, Giselle.
[WHIRRING]
-Thank you, Carolyn.
You dance wonderfully.
-For a cow.
-But I'm afraid ballet is
not what we're looking for.
-(FALSETTO) I guess it's back
to my dead-end job as principal
dancer with the Bolshoi.
-Don't be said, honey.
I tell you what, uh,
come in again tomorrow.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
I've got something else for you.
-Lunch and gossip.
-All right.
-It's a dancer and
her seeing eye dancer.
-Here are Gladys and Doreen.
-(FALSETTO) Hello.
-I told you to let
them in separately.
-These babes've been working
from the start as a duo number.
-And we would very much like
to stay together if possible.
-On this tour, you'll be
dancing with other girls.
-That doesn't matter, as long
as we get to go overseas.
-All right.
You can both work with us.
Please send the next one in.
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
-See you.
-The Indigo Girls of dancing.
-Linda?
-Hello, there.
-It's Barney Allen.
-Hm.
You're a stripper?
-And refinisher, yes.
-Yeah.
-Sometimes.
-Didn't I see you work the
Sapphire Club last month?
[GASPING]
-How come you quit that place?
-The boss wanted to.
I didn't.
-Oh.
Are you always so picayunish?
-No, I'm Lithuanian.
-That depends on the boss, boss.
-Shall I dance for you?
-Yes, for god's sake, yes!
-It's not necessary.
You're hired.
-(WHISPERS) Thank you.
-Wait outside.
-OK.
-Well, it's a nice day.
I'm going to go home like this.
-Next girl, please.
-Strip, come on!
-Hey, hey, easy.
-My name is Nelly Hastings.
-A new one, I haven't
seen her work yet,
but she's always been
with good troupes.
Let's see her dance.
-Great, that's good.
You're hired.
-Pat Nixon gets down
at the White House.
-Cha!
-She studied under Rose Marie.
[SINGS ALONG TO MUSIC]
-I think her timing
belt is too tight.
-Well, look out, Singapore.
-Brought to you by the
National Garter Council.
-Wear garters.
-It's the drunk aunt
at the wedding dance.
-And so, it just
goes on like that.
[SINGS ALONG TO MUSIC]
-Thank you.
You're hired.
Please wait outside.
-Nice.
-Doo, doo-doo, doo.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-So Mr. Blackwood has supplied
all the girls we need.
-Fine, Georgia.
Go and tell the girls
when costume and dance
rehearsals will start,
will you please?
-All right.
-Like my transition lenses?
-Listen, Gary.
I thought you were the boss.
But you let Georgia
select all the girls.
-I select all the girls.
-You?
But you didn't say a word.
-Why should I?
I have a little trick.
When I keep my legs
apart like so--
-Ah.
[GRUNTS]
---it means I'm not interested.
When I cross them like
this, ah, then it's OK.
-Ah.
-You always were a crazy guy.
When do things get underway?
-I'm having my body
re-blocked tomorrow.
-10 days.
-10 days?
Well then, have a good trip.
-Thank you.
-Hundreds of dancers are
loaded to a C31 transport
and dropped on Singapore.
-Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo dah.
-You know, I never get to
fly with exotic dancers, just
seed salesmen from La Crosse.
-Hm, Singapore's, right
across the Hudson River.
-From Los Angeles, they
take off from New York
to go to Singapore.
-Mm-hmm.
OK, there.
I've looked at clouds
from both sides now.
And you know?
Frankly, I'm not that impressed.
-Mm, this is a good storm, but
it's not the perfect storm.
-Oh, they had to divert
around Charlie Rich's hair.
CAPTAIN (ON PA
SYSTEM): We are now
flying over the Pacific
Ocean, near Honolulu.
Altitude is 15,000 feet.
-Wait, 1,500.
Aw, crap.
Does anyone know how
to read these things?
CAPTAIN (ON PA SYSTEM):
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
Number 247, number 247.
-(WITH EFFORT) May--
CAPTAIN (ON PA SYSTEM): We're
9,000 feet and losing altitude.
---day.
CAPTAIN (ON PA SYSTEM):
Number two engine burning.
-Wait, slow down!
CAPTAIN (ON PA SYSTEM):
Attempting emergency landing.
Present position is--
-I think they'll pull out of it.
-Repeat your position!
Repeat your position!
-I'm sitting.
-Damn, I can't pick
him up anymore.
Clipper 247--
-So is the beverage
service over?
[CHUCKLES]
-I Cliniqued!
-Ow.
-Oh, Abby's running more
"how we met" stories.
-No, Mr. Hastings,
I can only repeat.
There's absolutely no reason
yet to fear the worst.
Until now, we only know
that the plane caught fire
and that we've
lost radio contact.
-Well, there's absolutely
nothing to be worried about.
-Yeah.
Yeah, I'll let you
know immediately,
soon as I hear something new.
-Finally, I can
read "Savage Love."
-Argh!
I spent a brief second
without alcohol!
[NEEDY GRUNTS]
-Don't waste time
with the cap, drink!
OK.
Now smoke, then drink.
No, now answer the phone.
Nngh!
-Blackwood Agency.
No, Mr. Alberts, I don't
have any further information.
-Hm.
-Well, of course there's
a search party out--
[IMITATES WHIPCRACKING]
---there.
I tell you, rescuers are
looking all over for them.
There's still hope,
even after four days.
Yes.
I'll call you soon as
I hear something new.
-Hm.
See, I was thinking of
doing something-- ah, there.
-(SINGING IN DEEP, GRAVELLY
VOICE) Sun is rising.
-Well, that didn't work
out, so back to this shot.
-Wow.
Almost thought we were
in trouble, there,
flaming out and crashing at high
speed into the ocean and all.
[CRYING]
-We've been in the
water for an hour.
Would you stop
chewing on my foot?
-(TEARFULLY) These survival
meals are so high in fat.
-Stop that bawling.
You're driving us all nuts.
-Debbie goes immediately
into vacation mode.
-Oh, when did they
pick up kd lang?
-Water.
Just one swallow.
-No more today.
Tomorrow you'll
get another ration.
-Of me.
-Gary, give me some water.
-Who do you think you are?
-(FALSETTO) I'm trying
to tan my shins.
-The fifth night.
We can't hold out much longer.
-You're starting
that, too, Georgia?
-That darkens my features.
-A ship has to go
by here sometime.
Or we've got to at
least see some land.
-How big can the
ocean be, anyway?
-Oh, if only they could
find a desalinization plant.
-Water.
Please give me water.
-(FALSETTO) I need to
rinse out a few things.
-Look, a bird!
-Oh, thank heaven.
-Where there are birds,
there must be land.
[GLUGGING SOUNDS]
-Are you crazy?
Give that to me.
-That's my Hai Karate.
-They're already planning
a "Playboy's girls
of the plane crash" issue.
-Look at that, Gary!
Over there!
-(IMITATING SOUTHERN
ACCENT) Over where?
Oh, oh, there.
-Land.
There's land.
Help me paddle.
We've got to make it.
Paddle with your hands.
-Or your panties or your
breasts or whatever.
-Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.
-(FALSETTO) If there's land,
there's gotta a be a day spa.
-Don't stop now.
We'll make it.
[SINGING CONTINUES]
-It's not far now.
Then we'll be saved.
-I see a tall Spaniard in
a white suit with a midget.
-(FALSETTO) Wait, I forgot
my purse on the plane.
-I hope the natives
like fan dancing.
-(FALSETTO) OK, let me
get-- ow, ow, sharp.
Coral, ow--
-(FALSETTO) Ow, ow.
-(FALSETTO) --sharp.
-(FALSETTO) Puffer fish,
owie, owie, owie, owie.
-(FALSETTO) Ow, electric eel.
-(FALSETTO) My nails.
-(FALSETTO) Bull head, ooh.
-Oh, I can't go on.
-Come on, I'll help you.
-(FALSETTO) No, you go the
five feet to shore without me.
[CHUCKLES]
-Oh, brother.
-(MOANING) Oh.
-(FALSETTO) Oh.
-Let's pretend we're evolving.
[MOANING]
-An Exxon girl
tanker ran aground.
-There you are, Georgia.
-Just north of Florida.
-Lie down.
-Thanks.
-I can't go anymore.
-Oh, I can't wait to
get this pantyhose off.
-Here.
-Hm.
They must have filmed
this during an eclipse.
-Hey, the catch of the day.
[WHINING]
-They should just
start putting handles
on women for easy carrying.
-Babs.
-Hope the fish are averting
their eyes right now.
-She got totally
drunk on the raft.
-Right.
-So they sit around
floating for a while
and now they're exhausted.
-Pssh.
-I just don't--
-The woman is a
cold-blooded creature
and must lay on
rocks to warm up.
-Hey.
-Camera lenses were crafted
from hardened mud back then.
[GRUNTS]
-You gotta get back in
the figurines, honey.
-(FALSETTO) Ow, my neck.
-I got to go back and
get Camryn Manheim.
It may take awhile.
-(FALSETTO) No.
No, I want to be put by Debbie.
-I'm going to fashion
you all into a crude hut.
-He's kind of an early
Carmine Ragusa, isn't he?
-Georgia, darling.
-Make me some coffee and,
oh, get the Coast Guard
on the line.
-I can't believe Northwest
only offered us mini pretzels.
-(MOANING) Oh, Gary.
-There, there.
Take comfort in my beefiness.
-It's a giant sea doughnut!
We're saved!
-Oh, no.
It's the raft.
-Doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo-di doo.
[GRUNTS] Stupid.
-Mike, what the
hell are you doing?
-I'm trying to extricate
myself from this giant web.
-Well, be careful, will you?
And don't disturb the giant fly.
That's our lunch.
-Oh, sure-- OK.
You know, I'm not going to go
into how you made a giant web.
I just want to know why.
-Well, I think the
more important question
is, what possessed you to
leap blindly across the bridge
and get caught in
the first place?
-I didn't.
You--
-Do you routinely spring out
of the theater like a gazelle?
[SCOFFS]
-Crow, how do I get outta here?
-Good question.
Can you excrete oily, web-proof
spittle from your mouth?
-(SARCASTICALLY) Uh, yeah.
I think so.
Hang on, let me get a--
course I can't, you imbecile.
-Hey, hey.
I'm not the one who
sprinted headlong
into a large and
very obvious web.
-Here's some roasted
potato bug and dip.
-Mmm.
-This web's gonna have
us eating like kings.
Mike, what the
hell are you doing?
-Apparently he was pogo sticking
blindfolded across the bridge.
-Huh.
Too bad.
Let's eat.
I had no idea there were so many
giant insects in the satellite.
-Well, I had no idea
they'd be so delicious.
-Yeah, yeah.
Smell that.
-Hey, hey!
Now there's a giant spider.
Help me.
Help me!
-That's a pretty lame
impression of David Hedison
in "The Fly," Mike.
-Come on, Crow.
The giant mantis fingers are
bubbling how with cheese.
-Yummy.
See ya, Mike.
-Well, I'm dead, and, uh,
we'll be right back, OK-- shoo.
Hey.
Ow.
Ow.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Ooh.
Corn's looking good there.
-Mm.
[SINGING ALONG WITH
BACKGROUND MUSIC]
-And Hedonism II is born.
-I've enslaved the natives.
-Water.
-That's what dried
soup mix needs.
[HUMMING]
-Ah, the girls deserve
to see my thickness.
[SLURPING NOISES]
-Do we have to watch this?
-Ahh.
Water.
Water!
Water!
-Is that Gary?
-Water!
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
-Come on!
-Water?
-Where is it?
-How wonderful.
-Oh, let's go.
[FALSETTO BABBLING]
-Gary.
-Oh, there it is.
-Look, fresh drinking water.
-There it is.
-The best way to get it
is lick it off my chest.
-Oh, a spring.
Oh.
-The graceful, nimble dancers.
-Oh, let me in.
-I am one lucky bastard.
Oh,
-Feel it.
-(FALSETTO) Oh, I hope
this water isn't fattening.
-Oh, is anything more
wonderful than water?
[MOANING]
-OK, girls.
That's enough.
Let's go and have a look around.
Come on, come on, come on.
-Come on.
-Ready?
-Let's go.
-(FALSETTO) But I'm
severely dehydrated.
Can I drink more?
-No.
We must get moving.
-Getting better now?
-Stupid shoe.
-Don't lag behind.
-I'll help you.
-Let's go visit Brooke Shields
and Christopher Atkins.
-Heels are too high for here.
-Kate, your scarf.
-Oh, keep it.
-Coming?
-(FALSETTO) What, he's not
going to carry us this time?
Tschuh.
-(FALSETTO) Um, Schlemiel,
Schlimazel, anyone?
-Oh.
-Oh, my.
-Ow.
-My tender man skin.
-Careful, girls.
-Don't let my raw
sexuality overwhelm you.
[FALSETTO BABBLING]
-Ow, this--
-Ow, the corn's--
-Coming downhill.
-My hemline is-- oh, oh.
-What a strange sight.
-Well, let's keep going.
-I refuse to comment
on what you said.
-Won't be much further, will it?
-Hot, muddy foreign
chick action.
-Ouch, my shoe.
-(FALSETTO) Feels like
a sneaker, my ass.
-This way is not
that good for shoes.
-Gary!
Look what I just found.
-(FALSETTO) A stick!
-A hammer.
There must be someone
on this island.
-Really?
-A hammer with a long handle.
-That's me.
-It must be for the
purpose of excavating
some sort of metal,
most probably uranium.
-Can you eat that?
-Yeah, you could try it.
Come on, let's go and find out.
-Be sure and murmur
and coo some more, too.
[MURMURS AND COOS]
-Uh-huh.
Good.
Yeah, keep it up now.
That's it.
Hey, Susie, I don't hear you.
-Ooh.
-Oh, my.
[CHATTERING]
-And people complain
that there aren't
any strong roles for women.
Peh.
-Come on.
Hurry up.
Look.
Come here.
-Duck.
Swim.
-Look, a cabin.
-It's the Leatherface residence.
-(FALSETTO) I call
the bathroom first.
-(FALSETTO) No, me.
-(FALSETTO) No, I get it.
[SCREAMS]
-Charlotte's killing spree.
-(FALSETTO) He's gorgeous.
-Let's get out of here.
-All right.
Now watch how a man
screams in horror.
-He was caught in the middle
of a cheerleading move.
-A dead man in a huge web.
-Oh, I was looking
at the wallpaper.
-Oh, Gary.
-Murmur, murmur, slightly more
intense murmur, murmur, murmur.
-(WITH EFFORT) We've
got spirit, yes we do.
We've got spirit,
how' bout uhh--
-MRxL.
-Get rid of the dead guy,
turn on the LP tanks,
put out the dock--
we're ready to go.
-(FALSETTO) Could I
be in your cluster?
-Hey, there.
-Do you think we should?
-(WHISPERING) I don't know.
-Come on.
-She was appointed Acting
Gary in his absence.
-Damn, I was just about
to pinch her tush.
-The poor professor.
When he made the last
entry in the diary,
he didn't know how
horribly he would die.
-Well, his discovery
of the uranium deposits
didn't help him
any, even if it does
represent a tremendous fortune.
-Well, gotta tighten my shirt.
-We must keep it from the
girls that Professor Green
had a premonition of his fate.
-You see here, in
the last paragraph?
He says he'd thought something
terrible was going to happen.
He just felt the danger.
-I wonder where that
peculiar hissing
came from that he always heard.
-The audience.
-Oh, Gary--
[HISSING]
---I'm terribly scared.
I'm so afraid.
-Don't worry, Georgia.
-Oh, OK.
I won't.
Thanks.
-As long as I'm around,
nothing will happen to you.
I promise.
-Look into my nose now.
-Hi, Georgia.
-I'm hungry.
-I've made something
for you to eat.
Lucky there were some
canned goods here.
-Uh, Wardrobe, we have
a burst seam problem.
-Mm, food.
-It must have been a
really gigantic spider
to be able to spin
such a huge web.
-Maybe there are more of them.
-But a bite like that couldn't
have come from a spider.
-Aren't you at all afraid?
-Afraid?
I can't change anything.
-I'm terribly afraid something
awful is going to happen.
-Unlike the plane crash.
[GASPS]
-Look!
-(FALSETTO) It's our
friends who just left.
-We found the professor's
trunk full of stuff.
They'll certainly be useful.
-Boxer shorts and his truss.
-One, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
OK.
-Now we can sell this
stuff to the others.
-If we divide the
provisions up carefully,
they should last for a month.
-What did you say, Georgia?
A month?
Do you really think we'll
be here a whole month?
-I don't know.
-Thank you, Georgia.
-We have to go tomorrow
to the highest cliff
and light a smoke signal
to try and attract a ship.
10, 11, 12.
-Hey, they brought
Virginia Graham along.
-Hmm.
-Give me that shirt.
-No, it belongs to me.
After all, I found it.
-But my dress is in
worse shape than yours.
-No, I want to have it.
-Give it to me!
-Give it to me!
-It's mine!
-Stop that fighting.
Give me that shirt.
-You both get no shirts.
-Georgia.
-Cook this for dinner.
-Thanks, Gary.
-I suppose we could have
guessed that Georgia
would be getting it.
-That sheer fabric
would make a good shirt.
-Mm-hmm.
-Haven't you ever noticed
that Gary pampers her?
-What's this?
Where did you get the pullover?
-I found it here, if you don't
have anything against it.
-(DERISIVELY) Hah.
-Now stop it, or I'll
take care of both of you.
Give me something
to drink, Gladys.
-Rice vinegar's fine, thanks.
-Take it easy, Gary.
We're all a little nervous.
It's really no wonder.
-Ha.
Don't you think I'd rather
be in a bar in Singapore
with a nice, cold drink than to
be on this God-forsaken place?
-With eight hot babes?
Tscuh.
-Drinking this horrible stuff?
-Haw-er-ible?
-Buh.
[GIGGLES]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Darned heat.
-Hmm.
-It didn't stay in the air.
-Look out, will you?
And stop making so much noise.
-If you don't like it,
you can do the dishes.
Or do you think I'm doing
this for my own pleasure?
-Stop running your tap
and dry up, will you?
-I can't wait 'til
the spiders eat you.
-I simply can't stand this
frightful heat any longer.
-Ah, the movie reveals
its true purpose.
-How about throwing your
dirty blouse someplace else?
I want to sleep.
-Excuse me, Charo?
-(FALSETTO) Hey, I have
some Slim-Fast bars.
We're saved.
-(FALSETTO) So, anyone
want to catfight, or--
-I sure hope you don't
lose your lipstick.
You'd hardly be able to
get along on this island
without it.
-Her accent changed three
times in one sentence.
-Spider!
-I'm through!
-Oh.
-It's about time.
Now I'll shower.
Give it here.
-Ooh.
-Come on.
Come on, girls.
Let's go to sleep.
-I'm going to sleep outside.
-Good night.
-Me too.
-Good night.
-Ahh.
-Good night.
-Good night, Kate.
-Tomorrow I'm going to try to
pull my pants up to my chest.
-(SINGING) Taking
off clothes music.
[IMITATES CYMBALS]
-Reporting for bed, sir!
-Hm.
I'm getting mixed
signals from her.
-Try crossing your
legs now, pal.
-You know, guys who play
the muted trumpet love
these movies.
It's the only time
they get work.
-Ma'am?
Hey.
Hey, lady.
[WHISTLES]
-Over here.
[WHISTLES]
-Turn around, come on!
-OK, OK.
-He has Torgo Area.
-Good.
I found the
professor's revolver.
-Get some sleep, Gary.
-I can't.
I think I'll go out
for a little walk.
But don't worry.
I'll be back very shortly.
-This condescending pat will
hold you 'til I get back.
-(FALSETTO) Oh, I'm
so nude under this.
Mm.
-Man, this is too much
even for me, Mike.
Can't we see a couple
of elderly scientists
in lab coats talking
nonstop instead?
-(FALSETTO) I'm feeling
so, I don't know,
erotic or something.
-Hey, this is not the
Amelia Earhart story.
Who are they kidding?
-Ooh, I'm glad I added a porch.
-With my luck, I'd
crash with ZZ Top.
-Heh, heh, heh, heh.
I'm impotent.
-Um, you're in my
writhing space.
-Gary?
-Wow.
Can you really do
that through pants?
-Oh, Gary.
-Pull your slacks up higher.
-Mm, I'd love to
braid your back hair.
-Oh, faces have actually melded.
-Gary!
-Your infidelity
mildly irritates me.
-Damned heat.
I don't know what
I'm doing anymore.
-Yes, I've been unfaithful,
but it was, like, 87 degrees.
-OK, come here.
Hey, hold still, will you?
Hang on a sec.
There.
-It's also kind of windy.
That, too.
And high humidity.
-Good chest rubbing weather.
-Whoa, slipped in a
spider flock there.
-I've been lifting.
What do you think?
-So, this is a sexy,
spider-filled version
of "The Tempest."
-Hey, come into my parlor.
-You see, if it was
in the low '70s,
I would never have jammed
my tongue down her throat.
-I fell out of the tree!
-Gary, thy Lord commandeth,
tug your pants down a titch
and put on a shirt.
-Since when do spiders need to
expend so much effort to climb?
-Hey, a nice thick
one down there.
-Gah!
Spider pile.
-Oh, you want a hickey?
I'll give you a damned hickey.
Heh.
-Red Lobster's snow
crabs finally fight back.
-Get off me, you
exoskeletal piece of--
-Those were shots.
I heard them clearly.
-Oh, I hope nothing's
happened to Gary.
[GASPS]
-I hope my coating of
oil will protect me.
[BURPS]
-Too many malts, ugh.
-Damn, just when girls
began to like me.
-Oh, hairy palms!
Mother was right!
[SCREAMS]
-I'm going.
If you're not going with
me, I'm going alone.
-Stay here.
Don't leave us alone.
-Do you want to find Gary?
[SCREAMS]
-My little brother's
messing with our tent.
-And so our story ends.
Doh!
-Oh, just leave
everything as it is.
We must find Gary.
Babs and Ann, you go
in that direction.
Where in the world is Kate?
-Here, Georgia.
-You two go in that direction.
Kate and May will
go along with me.
-Wait, who told
them to get dressed?
-Yeah.
-Hurry up.
-What about me?
-You?
You remain here and put things
in order while we're gone.
[SCOFFS]
-Start by alphabetizing
our shoes.
-The endangered
wild Daryl Hannah.
[WHISTLING]
-Hey, Gary?
-(FALSETTO) I know
you're out here.
I can smell your Brylcreem.
-Would you quit that whistling?
You're making me nervous.
-I'm not afraid when I whistle.
-Uh, don't buy extra
strength Biore.
-The king approacheth.
-Gary!
-Gary!
-Gary.
-Gary!
-Gary.
-Put out a dish of oil.
-Gary!
-Come on.
We gotta keep looking.
-Without me.
I'm staying right here.
-(FALSETTO) I've got
feet Like Billy Pilgrim.
-Did you hear anything?
-No.
-But there's something
moving there.
-I don't hear anything.
-They're all dubbed
by the same person.
-Gary!
-Hey, Gladys, don't
leave me alone.
-Then hurry up.
Gary!
-Gary.
-(SINGING) Gary, Gary.
I like that. (SINGING) Gary.
-Gary!
-Gary.
-Yeah. (SINGING) Gary.
-Gary!
-Gary!
-I'm Gary.
Look for me.
-Gary!
-(FALSETTO) Who's
gonna tell us when
to eat and when to go to bed?
-Gary!
-I won't go out with a
half man, half spider.
I'm sorry.
-OK, honey.
You're alone.
You can ease up on the sex now.
-(FALSETTO) Mm.
Feast your eyes on my
good stuff, nature.
-(SULTRY) Well,
hello, shrubbery.
-(FALSETTO) I wasn't even being
sexy 'til the dirty sax music
started.
-The skirt is more
slit than skirt.
-She's a sexy Henry
David Thoreau.
-(FALSETTO) I can make these
into primitive pasties.
-Strange that she's a
published medical ethicist.
-(FALSETTO) Mm, do I
turn you on, too, brook?
[AROUSED GIGGLING]
-It's a touchdown behind her.
-I heard a scream.
I heard it plainly.
-The scream came from there.
-Should we say "Gary?"
-(FALSETTO) Oh, broke a heel.
-(FALSETTO) Me too.
-(FALSETTO) Me too.
-They'll cover her coffin
in a flag slit real high.
-(FALSETTO) Hm.
Not real.
Now we know.
-How awful.
-You know, Susan,
before she died,
she told me she
thought you were fat.
-She's been strangled.
-The spider.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Georgia, who's next?
-Um, that would be a
Ms. Peal Forrester.
-Forrester, eh?
[LECHEROUS CHUCKLE]
-Oh, you're going
to like her, Gary.
She's great.
-Whee.
-Hee, hee, hee.
Woo-hoo!
-Huzzah.
-Hoo, hoo, hoo.
Whee-hee!
-Uh-oh.
Pearl, something's happening.
-What's up, cotton ball?
-What's up?
I'm taking some
dancers to Singapore.
-Mm.
-You do well there,
the sky's the limit.
[GASPS]
-Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
Singapore!
And then Off-Off-Broadway,
and then Off-Broadway,
and then Broadway!
-Oh, good luck, you guys.
-You too!
Good luck, Bobo.
-Luck, hell.
This is for a shot at fame.
Right now I couldn't
hate you more.
Spread out, you two.
PEARL (OFFSCREEN): Ow.
-Mm, meh.
-(FALSETTO) Next.
-What?
Son of a--
-Beat it, has-been.
-(UNDERTONE) Uh,
I guess not bad.
-(FALSETTO) OK, baby.
You're in.
-Yes!
Eat it, loser.
-No.
-(UNDERTONE) Ah, Gary
likes that, yeah.
-Uh, that's great, sister.
Now give us a little leg.
-Leg?
Oh, sure.
Brain Guy?
-Oh, yup.
-Ow.
Yeah.
[CRYING]
-OK?
-Babs?
Babs.
-Oh, it's horrible.
Oh, Georgia, the
professor's been killed,
Gary's disappeared, and now
we've just buried Linda.
[SOBBING]
-Which one of us is
going to be next?
I don't want to die, don't
wanna die, don't wanna die.
-Ann!
Ann.
Now stop it, will you?
Stop it before you
drive us all crazy.
-Not me, not me.
-And I tell you, they'll
never find us, never.
-But I'm sure the
police are moving
heaven and hell
to find us, honey.
-(DEEP VOICE) We'll
be fine, ladies.
-The police?
The cops I know, if they catch
you spitting a little bit
or find you drunk, they sent
you right off to the cooler.
But you just say
somebody got lost
and they won't lift a finger.
-Hm.
-Do you believe that
they'll go running around
for a few broads who are lost?
-But how are they to know
that we've been rescued
and on this little island?
-Rescued?
Who's been rescued?
We, perhaps?
Show me the island.
Show me.
Where does it lie in the ocean?
Show it to me.
-By the time they find
us, we'll all be dead.
You, you, and you,
one after the other.
GEORGIA (OFFSCREEN): Babs.
-Bang?
-Get a hold of yourself.
You're only getting all
the girls worked up.
-Great.
Heh, heh.
-Well, if it isn't Miss Georgia.
Of all people, it has to be you.
Who has Gary and Linda
on her conscience?
Who?
-Ah, I'll be right there.
Hang on.
-Babs, do you know
what you're saying?
-Exactly.
Through your jealousy.
You should never have left
Linda alone in the cabin.
-Shut up, will you?
What can Georgia do
about Linda's death?
-Take your hands off me,
or I'll break your arm.
-Just you try that, baby.
Take that.
-Oh, man.
I don't think I can
take another girl fight.
-Mm, fun.
-Mmph.
-So there will be whippings.
OK, I can roll with that.
-You!
-Nelly!
-Carmelite nuns, the real story.
-(AROUSEDLY DISTRESSED) Oh.
Uh.
Underpants, oh.
Nngh.
-Babs, Nelly, stop it!
[PANTING]
-Servo?
-Girl fight.
Ugh.
-Gah!
Servo!
He fainted.
-Oh.
-Guh.
Get up.
-Oh.
Uh.
-Come on.
-Oh, sorry, Mike.
It's all a little much for me.
[AROUSED MOANS]
-OK.
-Ohh.
-No, shh.
Easy.
Steady yourself.
-Babs!
-Stay here.
Leave the fight.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT)
The Lennon Sisters
were fightin' more and more.
-Please leave me alone.
-Man, they're future
governors of Minnesota.
[GRUNTING]
-I usually have
to go to a website
to see this kind
of thing, like, uh,
-Sure.
[PAINED GRUNTING]
-Daisy Mae is upset.
-Backstage at Lilith Fair,
Joan Osborne and Jewel
have another brawl.
-Oh, you have nice skin.
We'll start with a
little foundation and--
[SCREAM]
-Well, OK.
I'm trying to help.
-Oh.
-Dun dun dun duuun.
-Uh, where should we
spill this oil, Captain?
-Come, come!
-Is the ship getting any closer?
-I don't know.
Come on, throw in on.
-(EXAGGERATED MIDWESTERN
ACCENT) I don't know.
-Yeah.
-Should I get some more?
-Yeah.
-Should I get some more?
-No.
-No.
No, that's enough.
That's giving enough smoke.
-Kathie Lee Gifford
tried to rescue them,
but they turned her down.
-They must see us.
They can't just leave us here.
Hello!
Hello!
-Stop all that screaming, Ann.
-(FALSETTO) Hello.
-You're driving me crazy.
-Let me go.
Hello.
Take us with you.
-Damn Californian.
It never helps anyone.
-Hello.
We're over here.
Please don't forget us.
-Helloo.
-Yell with me.
They must hear us.
Hello!
Hello, there!
Take us with you.
-May, it sailed right by.
It sailed by.
-(GERMAN ACCENT) Even
though we said, "Hello!
Take us with you."
-We'll never get home now.
Never again.
-28 days.
28 long days and nights.
-(FALSETTO) That's how
late my videos are.
-And nobody even
knows we're here.
-So today a ship
sails right by us.
Our rescue's so close.
-Ann, May.
-Turns out we're on Catalina.
-Oh, Georgia, a ship.
There, a ship.
-Oh, it's gone.
How terrible.
And we only have enough
food left for three days.
-(FALSETTO) We'll have
to eat the Hormel stuff.
-Ann, Ann!
Come on back.
Come on.
-Look, they're missing a huge,
nutritious salt lick right
under their feet.
-So they founded
the isle of Lesbos.
-You know, with no
men there, they'll
stop shaving their legs, their
armpits, their upper lips.
-Uh-huh.
-Basically, they'll
start looking like men.
-(SURPRISED) Oh.
[GRUNTING]
-Here.
You go ahead and
start unloading.
I'll take the oars up.
-OK, Bob.
-(GRUNTING) Would you at
least get out of the boat?
-What are you carrying
the oars so far away for?
Afraid the mermaids
will steal our boat?
-Ha.
Don't talk to me about women
on this god-forsaken island.
-You're my belly warmer.
-Should have taken one along
as part of your ration.
-I wanted to, but
it wasn't approved.
-Tuh.
-Now, there's no need for "tuh."
-Hey, come on over here and
give me a hand, will ya?
-OK, I'm coming.
-Ahh.
Take it easy.
-(STRAINED) Easy now.
Easy does that.
Boy, that junk is heavy.
-Man, how many heads
did you put in this?
-Bob, you know, I'm sort
of glad the professor
picked us out to help
him with his work,
even though it's
lonely over here.
-Good backstory, Ray.
-Gimme some whiskey.
[GRUNT]
-If there aren't any chicks,
then at least some whiskey.
-You only think about
whiskey and women.
-And drugs.
-You better change, or
you'll never get any place.
-Get off my back.
I'm sick of your preaching.
-Take the professor,
for example.
-Uh, that guy's
always been lucky.
While we explore all sorts
of islands for six months,
he comes with us once
and finds this stuff.
And of all places,
on this miserable--
-Oh, careful now.
---island.
-Stop grumbling, will ya?
-Aw, go on.
-I'll say "tuh" again.
-I'll go and look for
the professor, now.
-OK.
Get on out of here, will ya?
In the meantime, I'll unload.
-And, uh, have fun.
-Yeah, sure.
-Remember, we work
for the professor,
and we've been gone six months.
-Hey, they have the Swiss
Colony booze basket.
-Now to balance my electrolytes.
[WOMEN GIGGLING]
-Drink it and hear girls giggle.
-Aha!
Oh, damn.
There's a tree in my way.
-Can hear footsteps.
Does the tree have
wood flooring?
-I'll impress the ladies
by impersonating a sloth.
[WOMEN GIGGLING]
-Tsk.
This poor guy thinks
they're manatees.
-We're nude and have no nipples,
and we're uniformly colored.
-Doodle doodle doodle
doodle doodle doop.
[FALSETTO GIGGLING]
-(FALSETTO) I'm in the deep end.
-(SINGING) It's kooky, and
we're swimming, and we're nude.
And we are swimming, and it's
kooky, and we have no nipples.
And we're--
-Mm, Pearl Drops.
-Ah, yes.
The hustle and
bustle of city life.
-Honk honk!
-Taxi!
[ENGINE NOISES]
-Heh heh, that's right.
Wedge into the
crevasse, that's it.
-Man, the best thing I
ever found in a tide pool
was a sea urchin.
-There's a giant woman swimming
off the cliffs of Dover!
[SCREAMS]
-A sea spider's attacking me!
-Gladys!
Gladys!
-Quick, girls.
We're in danger.
Make for the beach.
-We can't leave her here.
-So that all of
us will be killed.
Let's go.
Come on.
-Ow, scraped my
stomach on the rocks.
-Huh?
-Wow, a whole island
full of Gingers.
-That's all right.
-Look over there!
[GASPS]
-Uh, OK.
What?
Yes?
What are we looking at?
-Hmm.
-Meanwhile, Singapore suffers
through a severe dancer
shortage.
-The Dixie Chicks
go big game hunting.
-How terrible.
-The web in the cabin.
-Ugh.
-The gun.
-Wayne LaPierre
is on the island.
-Gary took it with
him that night.
-(FALSETTO) It'll
make a neat accessory.
[COUGHS]
-Ahem.
Uh, I'm only sleeping.
I see you stealing that.
-And this is his bracelet.
-(FALSETTO) Most of the candy
hasn't been eaten off yet.
-But where is Gary?
-Please, Georgia.
Let's go.
I'm so afraid.
-Perhaps there are
more spiders around.
-Well, at least I got a
kicky scarf out of this deal.
Hey!
-Come and sit with me.
-What do you want from me?
-Well, give you three guesses.
-Uh, I don't know.
I'm pretty pissed
about you attacking me.
-I was gonna ask
you for the time.
-(UNCOMFORTABLY) Mm, oh.
(FALSETTO) I'm laying
on a dead man o'war.
-You know, Burt
Lancaster he's not.
-Not even Bert Lahr.
[SINGING JAUNTY TUNE]
-Georgia!
-Georgia!
-Georgia!
-(WHISPERING) Would
you stop that?
-Sorry.
-Here we are.
Gladys is gone,
down by the lagoon.
-We were swimming when suddenly
she was pulled into the reef.
-And she screamed terribly.
-Who was it?
Did you see anyone?
-No, it all happened so quickly.
A scream--
---and she'd
already disappeared.
-Maybe the spider killed
the professor and Linda.
-We found a gigantic
spider, dead.
-It was shot with the
professor's own revolver.
-And Gary's bracelet was
laying there beside it.
-(WHISPERING) What's that noise?
(SINGING) Allons
enfants de la patrie.
Le jour de gloire est arrivee.
-(WHISPERING) Quiet.
[HUMMING_"LA_MARSEILLAISE"]
-Hands up!
Stop, or I'll shoot.
-Give us all your Pamprin.
-Huh, hey.
Hello, baby.
-Hands up!
-Anything you wish.
-Get going into the cabin.
-What a coincidence.
That's where I wanted to go.
-I said, get going.
-(FALSETTO) I'll have
Babs mess you up.
-All righty.
-I think he's handsome.
-Mm-hmm.
-He doesn't look so terrible.
-They're the really
dangerous ones.
-Too bad.
-The woman sounds like Urkel.
-I just escaped from Beau Geste.
-OK, turn around.
-Hmm?
-Where's Gladys?
-Spying on the Stevenses.
-What did you do with her?
-Let me speak to him.
Where is Gladys?
-Gladys?
No idea.
I don't know the young
lady, unfortunately.
We just got here,
down on the lagoon.
-You see, Georgia?
-Where we were swimming.
-And that's where
Gladys disappeared.
-On the lagoon?
-Hm.
Ho, ho, ho.
-Ah!
-(FALSETTO) Will you
terrorize me again tomorrow?
-Don't laugh.
You'll be sorry about that.
-Huh?
-Oh, I don't know.
Just look at what's
coming down the path.
-Huh?
Mr. McFeely?
[GASPS]
-(FALSETTO) Oh.
-Gladys!
-Oh for goodness--
-Oh, Gladys.
-He attacked me, and
now, we're engaged.
-Who's that?
-My friend Bob.
We work together
for Professor Green.
-Why, he's a big
uranium research man.
I met him before, in the reeds.
-A researching researcher?
-Hm?
-Then you had better luck
than I. I was nearly shot.
-Hi, there.
-That is, if the
revolver had been loaded.
-Tshaw.
Broads, huh?
-And you?
You here on a summer vacation?
-Hmph.
Fine summer vacation.
-Mm.
-If we hadn't found
this island, we
wouldn't be here
to tell the story.
We crashed on our
way to Singapore.
-Ah, then you're the American
dance troupe that got lost.
-Yes.
-Well, how do you know that?
-Oh, all the newspapers in the
world have carried your story.
-What?
-(FALSETTO) Huh?
-I'll bet Professor
Green was surprised
when all these girls showed up.
Ha ha!
-Professor Green is dead.
-Well said.
-What's with the professor?
-Dead?
-What?
-Ha ha!
-He was hanging in
a huge spider web.
That's how--
-Jelly?
What?
---we found him.
Linda is dead, and Gary, our
manager, has also disappeared.
-What's that?
Dead?
-Spider web?
-Dead?
-Do you really believe that?
By the way, our ship is
coming back in two days.
-We must radio
information right away so
that they can send an agent
to clear the matter up.
-Dead?
-You mean it?
A ship's coming by?
-Our expedition ship.
-It will take us with it?
-Yeah, of course.
-We're rescued.
-Yeah.
-Not so fast, Gladys.
I have to sample the others.
-Wow.
She should depilate.
-Look.
Isn't it pretty?
-The boys will be
surprised when they
see how we've dressed ourselves
up in our island costumes.
-Boys?
Who's there, a Cub Scout troop?
-And they promised us
real whiskey, kids.
I can hardly wait.
-Hold this.
[WHIMPER]
-Shall I put this in my hair?
-Uh-oh.
-Hey.
-You look great, just
like a real islander.
-Well, I am.
Haven't I been here
for four weeks?
[WHIMPERING]
-I can't believe
that we'll be back
in New York in a couple of days.
-When we tell them at home
what has happened to us,
nobody's going to believe us.
-Where are Georgia and Ann?
-Uh-oh.
-Outside on the veranda.
[SIGH]
-Mike, Servo's down again.
-Oh.
Uh, hey, Tom.
Wake up.
-I wonder if a lot--
-Come on, man.
-Sorry, Mike.
---when we get there.
-(OVERWHELMED) Flesh.
-Yeah.
[WHIMPERS]
-What's important for me
is that Jimmy's there.
-Who is Jimmy?
-My friend.
We're going to be married.
-Even though he's invisible.
-What if he's got
eyes for another?
-You don't believe
that yourself.
I'd scratch his eyes
out, and he knows it.
-Kids, we've made radio
contact with the ship,
and we'll be picked up tomorrow!
-And tonight we'll dance
and really raise the roof.
-Wow, these Amish barn raisings
get wilder all the time.
-I'm going to call
the rescue boat,
tell them to take their time.
-Huh.
-Next dance is with me, Ron.
Ha.
-Eh, she dances as well
as Bruce Springsteen.
-(SINGING) This gun's for hire.
-(STRAINED) OK now.
Suck in the gut.
[INHALE]
-Unfortunately, she took lessons
at the Arthur Miller dance
studio.
[SIGH]
-Well, I think I broke a
rib tightening my belt.
-Tell me, what kind
of a girl is Ann?
-Usually quiet and
one of the nicest.
She's away from home
for the first time.
Her folks live in Minnesota.
-Their governor's
a huge, bald Nazi.
-I've never seen her so relaxed.
-Or puffy.
-I'd like to dance with her.
-But my crotch
stuffing restricts me.
-Hi.
Been looking for a
bloated man with a scarf?
-So, Minnesota.
That must be passive-agressive.
You know, anthropologists
would call this a mating dance.
What do you say?
Heh heh.
-So, you into scouting?
-Twirling?
You must be mad!
-Mike, could you inject
me into this film?
-I'm worried that Eric von
Zipper's gonna show up.
-This is how I view the world.
Everyone else is out doing this
while I sit in my underwear
eating a toasted cheese sandwich
and drinking a nice beer.
-Pretty accurate.
-Come on, Bobby.
I want to be all alone with you.
-How 'bout the house?
-Not in the house.
Someplace where
we'll be all alone.
-Wow.
-You know what?
We'll meet at the lagoon.
-OK.
But so that no one will notice.
-Good.
We'll meet in 15 minutes on
the trail down to the water.
All set?
-Of course.
-Mwah.
-Oh, but be on time.
I hate waiting.
-Why can't this be
on every channel,
like the State of
the Union address?
It'd be great.
-Thanks.
-Hmm.
Women or booze, women or booze?
Hey, women and booze.
[WOLF WHISTLE]
-Having a good time
with the chicks?
-Nah, mine's from Minnesota.
-Shut your mouth.
-Falling for her?
-Hmph.
[GLUGGING SOUNDS]
-Minnesota, huh?
Boy, that Harold Stassen is
a bright young face, huh?
-Oh.
-Heh.
I drooled in it.
I hope that's OK.
-Thank you.
-Whoa.
Didn't think you'd
drink that much.
Ah, well, hm.
-Tell me, are you
always so quiet?
-Y-you know--
[DUMBFOUNDED GIGGLE]
---when you've live on
islands for a long time,
you forget how to say
nice things to girls.
-Well, try it once.
-Uh, do you like bugs?
-Well, I'm really glad
that your airplane crashed.
-Well, that's a
nice thing to say.
-I mean--
-I'm glad your puppy died.
I-- oh.
-I mean, otherwise, I wouldn't
have gotten to know you.
And, and I'm glad about that.
-Oh, you say that to everybody.
-No, Ann.
I don't know any girls.
-Eh-heh.
-And when I think of the
ones I do, I'd rather work.
-Well, I must say,
you certainly are
a master at paying compliments.
-Perhaps you're--
perhaps you're right.
I should pay more
attention to young women.
-Maybe I wouldn't be so gay.
-Sometimes I envy Bob.
He's so uninhibited
and carefree.
-Bob?
Any girl is good enough for him.
[LEERING LAUGH]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-A real man is interested
in only one girl.
-Then I'm a-- then
I'm a real man.
-How?
-Ow!
-Because I'm really
interested only in one girl.
-Who's that?
What does she look like?
Cute?
Elegant?
-Elegant?
Mm, on the contrary.
-Hmm.
-A little bit disheveled
and neglected,
but, um, very pretty.
-Oh no, I didn't mean you.
Sorry.
-Her name's Ann.
-Oh, Joe.
-That's one of the nicest things
that's ever been said to me.
-Well, I meant it.
I'm really fond of you.
-In a one night
stand sort of way.
-You know, whe-- when you
leave for New York, here.
So you won't forget
me too quickly.
-(FALSETTO) Get this sweaty
thing off me, you creep.
-But Joe, please don't
let me wait too long.
-(FALSETTO) Ow,
that really hurt.
-Come on.
I got 12 minutes left.
-What's in 12 minutes?
-My next--
[IMITATES ACCENT]
[MOANING]
-Are you attracted to
my Jeff Conaway hair?
BABS (OFFSCREEN):
Hello, big boy.
-Oh, hello, Jessica Rabbit.
-Well, I'll be darned.
That's not bad, either.
Hey, all right.
You really don't know
where to start here.
-(FALSETTO) I tried to tackle
my fidgety sister, but I fell.
-The hell is this?
-Where-- ahh.
-I'm Curve E Voluptuous.
-Huh.
Your body language is confusing.
You're telling me something.
-OK.
You need me to paint your house?
Let me come over there.
-So, should we get our filthy
raincoats on to watch this?
-The many loves
of Michael Landon.
-An injured member of
the Swedish bikini team.
-(FALSETTO) Don't
crush my begonias.
-The horrors of Spider Island.
-I like her mink tool belt.
-Very nice.
-Can I look at you some more?
-Just gonna adjust your
bra strap with my teeth.
-Settling, the movie.
-Well, [CLEARS THROAT] I
checked your epiglottis.
It's fine.
-(DEEP VOICE) Hey.
Try yourself a shemale, pal.
-Bob really never follows
through on anything, does he?
-Jackie Gleason's
music for lovers only.
-Woo hoo hoo.
-He's going to die of
peroxide inhalation.
-Gladys.
-Oh.
You're here.
-What's on your mind, huh?
-Nothing.
-In love?
-No, I just need
to prune my chest.
-Mm-hmm.
-Do you really think that
Bobby's the right man for you?
-Well, he attacked me.
-I don't know.
I only know one thing.
I love him.
-(FALSETTO) Well,
I love his groping.
-Hm.
I hope he doesn't let you down.
I'd be very sorry for you.
-(FALSETTO) Gosh, I love
Michelle Shocked, don't you?
-Hello, daddy-o.
How about throwing those lamps
on somebody else for a change?
-Yeah, baby.
Like you swing, too.
-(FALSETTO) All right.
Let's check on your totally
monogamous boyfriend-- hey.
-I rub yeast into my
hair every morning.
-Come on, Gladys.
It's not worth it.
-Don't bother me.
-Gingham spider boyfriend head.
-(DEEP VOICE) Hey, Bob, $50 says
I could beat you arm wrestling.
-Hey, Georgia, get
me a drink, too.
-All right.
-Thanks.
-Bobby.
-Yeah?
-Do you have to turn
all the girls' heads?
-Who, me?
They turn mine.
Hm.
-Yeah, this is the
kind of guy that they
warn neighborhoods
about these days.
-Hi, Georgia.
-Hi.
-That dance sure
made me thirsty.
-Georgia, aren't you at all
excited about going home soon?
-Mm-hmm.
-OK, let's drink to that.
-Yeah.
-Well, here's to the trip.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
-Man, I'd pay $11,000
to be there right now.
-Do you think people are
still talking about us?
-Of course.
Now all the more,
since we found you.
-Will the papers
print our story?
-Oh, baby.
Will the papers print our story?
The magazines will
carry your pictures.
And what do you think radio
and TV will do with you?
-(FALSETTO) Make me
show my knockers.
-You'll be amazed
at the reception
you get back in New York.
-Maybe they'll drive
us down Broadway,
with confetti and all.
-Hm, probably not.
-In any case, you'll become
a world famous troupe.
And, hm, who knows?
Maybe you'll wind
up in Hollywood.
-Oh, Bobby.
I might make it yet.
-Thank goodness I still
have a few minutes
left 'cause my next
rendez-vous is very important.
-And this time
who's the lucky one?
-If you won't tell
anyone, Gladys.
-And a few pips.
-Bobby.
-Hm?
-Gladys is a fine girl.
Up until now she's
been shy of men.
Please, leave her alone.
-Exactly.
I've always yearned
for a girl like this--
-What's he doing?
---and never found one.
-Ever eat glass?
-Why am I telling
you all this, anyway?
-Wow.
-So, Mike, if you're a woman
and you're in a plane crash,
you instantly become languid,
helpless, and sex-starved,
and, and you murmur a lot?
-Hm.
-Hm.
Well, uh, let's just
see, why don't we?
-OK.
[ENGINE NOISES]
[MOANING,_MURMURING]
-Well, there you have it.
-Yep.
Survive a plane crash,
and you do indeed
become languid and
helpless and sex-starved.
-And you murmur a lot,
even guys like us.
[MANLY CHUCKLE]
-Hey, that was fun.
Let's do it again.
-Oh, yeah.
Let's auger this baby
in one more time.
-Woo-hoo!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[HUMMING]
-I'm still needy.
-(FALSETTO) I'm gonna marry
an inhibited pork roast.
-Oh, Joe.
I'm so happy.
-Well, that's what I expected.
-Same old story.
You're nice to a man,
and before you know it,
he's getting fresh.
[CHUCKLES]
-OK, your turn.
-Ann, I must tell you
something right away.
Come on.
-Hey, hey, Ann.
-Stop kissing her.
-Let her run.
They're all good for nothing.
-They're all the same.
-With their big deal
hair and fancy hips.
-Come on.
Let's have a drink.
[INHALE]
-(HOLDING BREATH) Sure.
Mmph.
Suck it in.
-Oh, Gladys, it's just
as I told you earlier.
Hm.
Don't you see that Bob is
just the kind of man who
wants nothing else
than to play around
with women without a single
serious thought in his head?
-You're right.
I don't want to see him again.
-Gladys!
-(HOLDING BREATH)
Can I let it out?
[INHALE]
-Uhh.
-Look, Bob.
You can keep those remarks
about Ann to yourself, get it?
-(SINGING) Ann, Ann,
blah blah blah blah Ann.
-Don't tell me you're
serious, fella.
You haven't fallen for that
little broad by any chance?
Well, good luck, then.
-And what if I were?
-Uh, have.
-Then I'd feel sorry for you.
What are dancers?
Hot goods for cold nights.
-Oof.
-Or do you think your
Ann is different, hm?
-For a guy like you, the worst
girl in the world is too good.
-But I like Tonya Harding.
-Oh, thanks.
Now I smell like Midori.
-No.
Not here.
Come on.
-Let's take this inside.
[GRUNTS]
-My famous rubber
arm puss punch.
[GRUNTS]
-Wait.
Not here.
Over by the Sung vase.
-Ah, he learned from
his master, Moe Howard.
-At this point, I
would suggest the name
"Spider Island" is misleading.
-Yeah.
-Aha!
I had dog do on my boot.
-There.
-The masters of stage nudging.
-(LAUGHING) I'm
bleeding internally.
-Me too.
-Oh, high hair.
-I gotta run.
I got a date.
-OK.
-Thanks for touching my
nipple before you left.
-Boy, defending my misogyny
really takes commitment.
-OK.
See, this is neither
bikini women nor spiders.
It's, it's really pointless.
-Yeah.
[GASPING]
-Yeah, he saw an air
molecule that respects women.
-Hello, Gladys.
-Oh, leave me alone, you.
-(FALSETTO) You stole my
drunk, filthy boyfriend.
-What's the matter
with you, kid?
Have you gone crazy?
-You ask me that?
No man in this world, even if
he belonged to your best friend,
would be safe with you around.
-Are you talking about Bobby?
-Who else?
But you can keep him.
I'm through with him.
-I've got news for you.
-I'm Clint Howard.
-Bobby just made it clear to
me that you're the kind of girl
that he's been looking for.
-Do you mean that, Babs?
-If it weren't true, do
you think I'd leave him?
-Babs!
-Go to him.
He's waiting for you.
-(DEEP VOICE) I'm
going to go bench.
-Look at that shadow.
It's Sideshow Bob.
-Still, the movie's better
than "A Midsummer Night's Sex
Comedy."
-Yeah.
-(SINGING) Yeah, I
don't respect women.
Women are just toys
for me, oh yeah.
-Say, there's a crotch.
Oh, wrong kind.
-The horrors of Spider Island.
-Mm.
Boy, these woman-haters'
cigarettes are good.
-Soundtrack by Schroeder.
-(FALSETTO) I'm so lucky that
Bobby went through a complete
personal transformation
in the last 45 seconds.
-Um, where the hell is he going?
-Uh, hello?
-Oh, man.
-I-- I'm not just wondering if
there's a point to the movie
now.
I'm wondering if there's
a point to anything.
[GROANS]
-I should move on to
hating older women.
-(FALSETTO) Bobby, what kind
of china shall we register for?
-(FALSETTO) I styled
my hip fur for you.
-You better hurry.
He's probably French
kissing a conch.
-And another protagonist
disappears over the horizon.
-Christine Todd
Whitman on vacation.
-Bobby?
[GASPS]
-Finally, the hundreds
of STDs take their toll.
-(FALSETTO) Oh, I see.
So you'd rather
die than marry me.
-Someone, uh, tattooed a
ball peen hammer on him.
[SCREAM]
-That was uh, a scream.
-I mean it was really funny.
[SCREAM]
-That sounded like Gladys.
And Bobby's also gone.
-I'll look for them.
You get dressed and follow me.
-No, "un."
Undressed.
What is he thinking?
-Yes?
-(SINGING) Spy, spy,
spy, spy, spy, spiders.
Spy, spy, spy,
spy, spy, spiders.
-Oof, spider shin splits.
-He's got less back
hair as a spider.
-Hmm.
-(FALSETTO) Pay no attention.
I'm just an outcropping.
-Oh, momma.
-(FALSETTO) I wonder if
my Lightdays with wings
will actually get me airborne.
-When did Duke Ellington
do this soundtrack?
-Now with my spider-like grace.
Oh, man.
It's hard.
-Hey, a pod of exotic dancers.
-Don't you want to see
my segmented thorax?
-Damn potato gun.
-You go up ahead and
try and help Gladys.
I'll go back and
get the ammunition.
Quick!
-(FALSETTO) Uh, I
really like spiders.
I never did any experiments
on them in school, honest.
[SCREAM]
-Oh, thank you, movie.
-That's sweet.
It's nice.
-(FALSETTO) I get her lip wax.
-How does this movie really
feel about women, I wonder?
-I'll be right back.
I think I got something
that can help.
-Another character
flees the film.
-Bob!
-(WHISPERING) Do you
have a breath mint?
-Oh.
Hmph.
So I guess I'll
reload the boat, then.
Tshuh.
-(WHISPERING) Bobby.
-Man, will he tell
God I punched him?
-(LISPING) I'm a sprite again.
Whee!
-I'm gonna kick
the crap outta ya.
Come on.
-I thought spiders
were supposed to go
scurrying under the
bathtub when they saw us.
-All right.
I'm gonna pick you
up and throw you
into my web, which I made with
machine tools in my garage.
-What was that exchange?
-I didn't get it.
-Look, whoever you
are, I got these
spiders I need to deal with, OK?
Hey.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Where are the bullets?
-Oof.
-It's too late.
He's here.
-Hey!
You stepped on my web, you jerk!
-What, are you
scared of a spider?
Come on out here.
-I had a garden spider
to this to me once.
Hid in my bathroom
and called the police.
-(SINGING) I want Joe Frazier.
-Maybe I've always just
misunderstood what spiders are.
They're large, hairy
bipeds with pants.
[FRIGHTENED WHIMPERING]
-Good, Georgia.
K-keep distracting it
while I think of something.
-Gary.
-Yep, you got me.
-Man, now it just
seems kind of stupid.
-I'm glad it's dark, you know?
I can imagine my
own action scene.
-Try saying "Gary" to him.
-Oh, man.
My spinneret's backing
up in my pants.
That doesn't do any good.
[GRUNTS]
-Oh, that's a shame.
-Come on, sunshine.
Come on. [GRUNTS]
-Georgia!
-No!
-(FALSETTO) (SCARED) Oh, oh.
Hey, there's more
pretzel sticks.
[GRUNTS]
-Um, Larry?
Harry?
Barry?
What the hell is it?
[FEARFUL GRUNTS]
-I have a good mind to put
this up my butt and entertain
at Lollapalooza.
-(DEEP VOICE) Let's
take the cabin, men.
-Wait.
Each of you take a torch.
Then we'll chase him.
We can only destroy
him with fire.
-OK.
-Here.
-(FALSETTO) Remind me why
we're listening to you.
Let's just check in as to who
was getting his butt kicked
by a spider and who wasn't.
-All right, come on.
Come on!
We must surround it.
Two of you take path over there.
-All right.
-Two go through the bushes.
The rest of you, come with me.
Nobody should go alone.
Always go in pairs.
Come on.
-(FALSETTO) So, "Go
alone and panic?
Is that what you said?
-This is good chase music.
-Suddenly I want to
do the Charleston.
-(SINGING) Gary, Gary.
Gary, a-Gary.
G-g-Gary.
-Paparazzi!
-(FALSETTO) Oh, Cindy,
your torch is so cute.
I just can't wear a torch.
It's my hips, I think.
-Come on.
He's over there.
-Oh.
-Man, I would love to be
chased by these villagers.
-Yeah, that'd be great.
Surrounded, beaten,
and burnt, and--
-No, no.
That's not what I meant.
-Oh.
Well, that's just
my thing, I guess.
-(WHISPERS) Yeah, I guess it is.
-Please, please, let me live.
I'll eat aphids off your
rose bushes, I promise.
-So, um, is he strong?
-Hey, listen, bub.
He's got radioactive blood.
-Whoa.
-Sorry.
-But it just ticks me off.
-Come, Ann.
-"Is he strong?"
-Is this their
titillation trump card
we're seeing here,
dancers chasing
a half man, half spider?
-I do prefer the sweaty
lounging and beefy spooning,
the way there was almost
nudity there a couple of times.
-OK, OK.
I was just asking.
-Shoot.
I usually retreat to my
little hole in the barn,
climb up my string
to the rafters.
Damn.
-Uh, we're over here.
-So, the whole movie just up
and ran away from us, huh?
Well.
-Well, I'm gonna
go on break, Mike.
It's been 10 years.
I think I'm owed one.
You'll cover me?
-Uh, can--
-Can he do that?
-I guess.
-You know, they need
a big shirtless bird
to come in and
scoop up the spider.
-(WHISPERING) Maybe
we've lost him.
-They will not
come if I build it.
Shut up.
-You know, the
Dukes of Dixieland
also did the "Psycho"
soundtrack, I think.
-Well, there.
I'm back.
Feel much better.
-Good.
-Ah, good.
-[CHANTING_IN_LATIN]
-You should take a break.
-(WHISPERING) Stop!
The quicksand starts here.
-Oh, right.
The quicksand, remember?
-I'm sterile.
Don't touch me.
-Aha!
I skitter lightly across
the top of the mud.
-Oh, Joe.
He's sinking.
-Distributing my weight
evenly over my eight lets,
making my way delicately-- oh.
Oof.
-Can't I just
leave with dignity?
Oh.
-OK, so I'm no water spider.
-I hid egg sacs in your luggage.
[SCREAMING]
-Better dead than
continue living.
-As a general rule,
I'm not sure I agree.
-Wow.
He found out too late that
CoCo Wheats can't be beat.
-Aw, they've gotta
stop at Praying Mantis
Island for supplies.
-The bad news is they were
picked up by Captain Ron.
-Gaaah.
-(FORREST GUMP VOICE)
Shrimp kabobs, shrimp gumbo,
shrimp ice cream, shrimp
skin coats, shrimp hubcaps,
shrimp contact lenses,
shrimp-based religion--
-OK.
I can't believe we ran around
in our underwear so much.
-Come on, girls.
Babs, Kate.
-I want to sleep on
a bed of breasts.
-(WOODY ALLEN VOICE) So
anyway, that was my experience
on the island with the girls
when I became a spider.
[SNIFFS] Did it teach me
anything? [SNIFFS] Maybe not.
But you know,
really in the end--
-Hey.
-Huh.
-Worth it.
-So, you wanna end your
movie that way, huh?
OK, get bent.
We're outta here.
-Shrimp personal watercraft.
-Hey, turkey legs.
-Hey, bloaty.
-I'm going to make myself
a braunschweiger melt.
You in?
-You know it.
-Ha, ha.
Old braun--
-Grrr.
-Hello.
-Hey, a m-monster.
-Who is clearly Mike.
-Gee, what happened, Mike?
-Oh, I got bit by a giant spider
on my way in from the theater,
so now I'm a giant spider.
-Yeah, you're gonna see that.
Yeah, I gotta say,
though, Mike, you
look even less like a
spider than that guy
Gary did in the movie.
-Yeah.
Hm.
-Think so?
-Yeah.
-Yeah, you're still,
like, 99.999999999% human.
-Mm, no.
I'm a, I'm a huge spider.
I, uh, I got this
giant spider claw.
-Wow.
So, so what?
You're going to
attack us with that
and drain out our
essential life fluids, or?
-No, I--
-Oh?
-In fact I was going to make
myself a braunschweiger melt.
-Now that's a coincidence!
[FORCED LAUGHTER]
-Well.
-Whoa.
[CLEARS THROAT]
-Hm.
[SIGH]
-Let's see what Pearl's up to.
-(WHISPERING) Yeah, let's.
MIKE (OFFSCREEN):
The castle's gone.
There's nothing but a huge, dark
stain from them blasting off.
-Ah, no, Mike.
The stain's from Bobo.
-Oh, sorry Nelson.
Forgot to tell you.
We're moving back.
They had some weird,
arcane law in that town
about not throwing
garbage out your windows.
And I cannot abide that
kind of oppression.
So we got the castle back
up on the flatbed out there.
We had to stop and diesel up
at this here Pump-N-Munch.
Bobo's in the men's room.
Me and Brain Guy are
here in the ladies' room.
-Oh, I had no idea.
-Right.
-Law-giver, Brain Guy, look.
I found a bunch of balloons in
the men's room vending machine.
Ha!
So I bought us a whole bunch.
And look, they're
individually wrapped!
Well, this one even
protects us from something.
Oh, and this is from France,
and it's supposed to tickle us.
-Ugh.
-That's fun.
Oh, and this one?
This is a ribbed
balloons that's supposed
to make some lady happy.
I really don't understand--
-Can, can I see those, please?
-Oh, sure.
-Um, Bobo, we need to
have, uh, a little talk.
-Huh?
-You're not ready
for this, Nelson.
Now, Bobo, when a flower
loves a bee very much--
-Oh.
Bobo.
[HUMMING]
-Oh, um, my many lady friends
will appreciate my caution.
BOBO (OFFSCREEN): Oh.
[GIGGLING] Sweet.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BOBO (OFFSCREEN):
[MONKEY NOISES]
distant future, somewhere
in time and space, Mike
Nelson and his robot pals
are caught in a nasty place.
They try to survive the wrath
of Pearl, just an evil gal who
wants to rule the world.
From her castle below,
she sets her sights above,
just to torture all the captives
on the Satellite of Love.
Get me down!
I'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst I can find.
La, la, la.
He'll have to sit
and watch them all.
And I'll monitor his mind.
La, la, la.
Now, keep in mind
Mike can't control
where the movies begin or end.
La, la, la.
He'll try to keep his sanity
with the help of his robot
friends.
Robot roll call.
Cambot-- you're on-- Gypsy-- oh
my gosh-- Tom Servo-- check me
out-- Crow-- I'm different.
If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes
and other science
facts-- la, la, la--
just repeat to yourself,
it's just a show.
I should really just relax for
"Mystery Science Theater 3000."
-(SINGING) Ooh, don't you
know, doo, doo, doo, doo.
Oh, hey, Mike.
I see you've got
today's "Boston Globe."
-Yeah, Crow.
I didn't know you had
a syndicated column
in the lifestyle section
of many major newspapers.
-Oh, sure.
I was inspired by Larry
King's column in "USA Today."
-"My $0.2, by Crow T Robot."
-Yeah.
-"I said it before,
and I'll say it again.
Shoelaces are handy,
even necessary,
to many of today's shoe styles."
-Yeah.
-"Volleyball player Gabrielle
Reece is the best athlete
in the world in arguably the
most difficult of all sports."
-Right.
-"The Boeing 727 is still
my favorite aircraft."
-Mm-hmm.
-"I give Supreme Court Justice
Antonin Scalia a B plus."
-Yep.
-"Television shows
aired last night."
Crow, I have to say,
this column doesn't
seem particularly substantive.
-Oh, thanks, Mike.
You should have seen
last Tuesday's column.
I remarked on a patty
melt I had for lunch.
-Must have been fascinating.
Now, who reads this column?
[HUMS]
-You, for one.
-I just read it.
-Crow, you were right
on about shoelaces, man.
I don't know what we'd do
without journalists like you
tellin' it like it is.
-We'll be right back.
-Wow.
Television shows
did air last night!
[CHUCKLES]
-Man!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-OK, Mike, is this
more substantial?
"Could there be more goose
poop in my front yard?"
-No.
-No, it's not more substantial?
Or no, there could not be
more goose poop in my--
-Let's see what
Pearl's up to, OK?
-I just wanted an answer.
[THUNDER]
-Huh?
-What the--
-What's going on?
-Hey!
Hey, look at this.
Another button.
-I never noticed
that before-- Hello?
[GRUNT]
-Oh, hi, Mike.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you we
were moving the castle.
I didn't mean to
leave you home alone.
Well, anyway, we had to.
I finally got sick of paying $50
a year for my monkey license.
-Uh, where do you
want the silverware?
-Well, in the kitchen
where it always goes.
$50.
I'm not gonna pay
the government $50
for the privilege
of owning a monkey.
How much do you pay for
your little things up there?
-Well, not that much.
-Really?
-Exactly.
So anyway, we're living
in a much better place.
It's quieter.
Frankly, it's a
better neighborhood.
And they only charge $10 a
year for the monkey license.
Pretty shrewd, huh?
-And it's a nice one, too.
Look, it's red.
-Wow.
Real neat.
Does seem like kind of a
commotion just to save the $40,
but you know, what do I know?
-Yeah.
-Right?
-Oh no, Mike, it only cost $2.3
million to move the castle.
So it'll pay off in
about 3,512 years,
assuming 2% inflation each year.
So you see how much
sense it makes.
-Well, maybe if
you'd moved it with
that big deal brain of yours--
-I'm not that omnipotent, Pearl.
And besides, we, we
packed everything up,
moved the castle here, only
to unpack it and put it
back again in the same place.
I mean, why?
-Oh, I actually have a
pretty good reason for that.
-OK.
-It's because--
-Ow, oh.
Oh.
-It's real official, too.
Look.
"For control of parasite- and
disease-riddled smelly apes."
That's me.
-Go lay down, Bobo.
Lay down.
As for you up there--
-Oh, I'd imagine that,
what with all the moving,
you don't even have time for
a movie for us today, do you?
-Nah.
-Huh?
-Nah.
-Huh?
-Yeah, right.
Oh, no movie.
Oh, except for this one.
And it's a really bad movie.
It's called "Horrors
of Spider Island."
I hope that's OK.
[DOGS BARKING OFFSCREEN]
[BOBO BARKING]
-Real peaceful in the
new neighborhood, too.
-Hey, shh.
No!
[BARKING]
-Gah.
[ROBOTS BARKING]
-Ah, no.
Not the chain bark.
And we got movie sign.
Come on.
-"Horrors of Spider Island."
-Hey, gi-give us a
chance to sit down.
-Yeah.
What's going on?
-[SUGGESTIVE_CHUCKLE]
-It's an anagram for
"a bra bra navel nite."
-[LAUGHS]
-Ah, Temple Foster, where
they worship Australian beer.
-Hey, they're playing
make-out music, Mike.
What do you say?
-Get out of here.
-Come on.
-Hm?
Hm?
Hm?
-No.
Now, too bad we can grab
this movie with a tissue
and crumple it and flush
it down the toilet.
Suppose we could.
-Pacemaker.
Ironically, they used a lot
of microwave ovens and metal
detectors during this movie.
Heh.
-Well.
-Spider Island,
home to the stars.
-Woo.
-This is back when
every car was filled
with a private investigator.
-[SINGS_WITH_BACKGROUND_MUSIC]
-Boy, Spider Island's
all built up now.
-Hey, that guy took
his boat on land.
-Wow.
[SINGS WITH BACKGROUND MUSIC]
-(SINGING) Do the parallel park.
It's the parallel park.
Do the park, park,
parky, park, park.
-(WHISPERS) Yeah.
-It's a dames and
broads audition.
[BURPS]
-Hey, nice office
for an enlisted man.
-Here's Singapore, in
the south of Malaya,
population
approximately 550,000.
-Yeek.
-University shipbuilding,
important sea port.
-Doesn't it say anything
about the 32 nightclubs there?
-Have you already worked
down in Singapore?
-No.
-Not to work.
However, I once had a
friend, an oil sheik.
He took me with him down there.
He was quite a guy.
[CHUCKLES]
-Those are the guys that run
around in turbans, aren't they?
-Listen, honey.
When they take
those turbans off,
they're just like any other man.
-Turbanless.
-Got a light?
Ah.
-Lucky sign.
-Looking forward to
going to Singapore?
-Hm, I don't really
care where I dance,
as long as the pay's good.
[BUZZER]
-'Scuse me.
-I'm Bob Box-body.
-That's him now.
-I mind very much if you smoke.
-Hey, quit doing your
Sharon Stone impersonation.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-I've already been to Singapore.
-And you look like it.
-Oh, Gary.
-(CHUCKLING) (IMITATING GARY)
I said, "And you look like it."
-Ah.
-Dr. Strangelove!
-Hello, Gary.
Hi, Georgia.
You're looking
prettier every day.
How in the world are you doing?
-Mike?
-Yeah?
-Have you told the girls
what this is all about?
-Sure, Gary.
A tour for a dancing troupe,
first engagement, Singapore.
I've 12 of them
here to pick from.
-Enjoy, Gary.
-OK, Georgia.
Let the girls in.
We don't have much time.
-All right if we've
start now, Mr. Blackwood?
-Of course.
[GRUNTS]
-Oh, but one at a
time for, please.
-OK.
May?
-We're looking for someone
who will sleep with us.
-Smile, will ya?
-How do you do?
That's Mr. Webster, the manager.
And this is May.
She's the finest dancer in town.
-See?
-What was your last engagement?
-With the Coquettes, one year.
-Ah, one of the finest.
-Mm.
Legs?
-Pardon me?
-Mr. Webster would like
to look at your legs.
-Oh, sure.
-Suppress it, suppress it.
-Thank you.
You're hired.
Please wait outside.
-Oh, thank you.
-Hm.
May, Coquettes.
-And this is Rhonda Hunter.
-Dancer?
-Not really.
But I pick things up real fast.
-Hm.
-(FALSETTO) Well, let's
see your clavicle.
-Thank you.
We're looking for dancers.
-But what's that got
to do with Singapore?
-Come on.
Come on, honey.
Don't hold us up.
-This is how "Ms.
Magazine" does its hiring.
-Babs?
-Babs played fullback
for the Lions.
-This is Babs.
Her legs are worth
their weight in gold.
-Can those golden
legs also dance?
-I was solo dancer in
the Apollo Variety.
-And why did you leave there?
-Well, the boss
really went for her,
but his wife thought otherwise.
-There it is again!
-All right, you can
work with as long
as you don't have any affairs.
Mr. Webster doesn't
tolerate any fooling around.
-Yeah, that's cool.
-I had all the boys I can take.
-Come on.
Carolyn?
-(OLD WOMAN VOICE) Is
this the Ensure auditions?
-This little one's from
the National Ballet.
-Could you dance a
little bit for us?
-Glad to.
Would you put this
one on for me?
-Sure.
Let's have a look.
-But none of that modern stuff.
Just shake your dinners.
-(FALSETTO) This is called
"You'll Never Have Sex With
Me."
-Thank goodness
she has that belt,
or her outfit would
fall right off.
-Well, boss, we
can always pay her
in cigarettes,
cocaine, and coffee.
-"The Horrors of Spider Island."
-He's supported by
a generous grant
from the Onan Foundation
and the Chubb Group.
-Oh, she made him vomit.
Ugh.
-All right, can
the crap, Giselle.
[WHIRRING]
-Thank you, Carolyn.
You dance wonderfully.
-For a cow.
-But I'm afraid ballet is
not what we're looking for.
-(FALSETTO) I guess it's back
to my dead-end job as principal
dancer with the Bolshoi.
-Don't be said, honey.
I tell you what, uh,
come in again tomorrow.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
I've got something else for you.
-Lunch and gossip.
-All right.
-It's a dancer and
her seeing eye dancer.
-Here are Gladys and Doreen.
-(FALSETTO) Hello.
-I told you to let
them in separately.
-These babes've been working
from the start as a duo number.
-And we would very much like
to stay together if possible.
-On this tour, you'll be
dancing with other girls.
-That doesn't matter, as long
as we get to go overseas.
-All right.
You can both work with us.
Please send the next one in.
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
-See you.
-The Indigo Girls of dancing.
-Linda?
-Hello, there.
-It's Barney Allen.
-Hm.
You're a stripper?
-And refinisher, yes.
-Yeah.
-Sometimes.
-Didn't I see you work the
Sapphire Club last month?
[GASPING]
-How come you quit that place?
-The boss wanted to.
I didn't.
-Oh.
Are you always so picayunish?
-No, I'm Lithuanian.
-That depends on the boss, boss.
-Shall I dance for you?
-Yes, for god's sake, yes!
-It's not necessary.
You're hired.
-(WHISPERS) Thank you.
-Wait outside.
-OK.
-Well, it's a nice day.
I'm going to go home like this.
-Next girl, please.
-Strip, come on!
-Hey, hey, easy.
-My name is Nelly Hastings.
-A new one, I haven't
seen her work yet,
but she's always been
with good troupes.
Let's see her dance.
-Great, that's good.
You're hired.
-Pat Nixon gets down
at the White House.
-Cha!
-She studied under Rose Marie.
[SINGS ALONG TO MUSIC]
-I think her timing
belt is too tight.
-Well, look out, Singapore.
-Brought to you by the
National Garter Council.
-Wear garters.
-It's the drunk aunt
at the wedding dance.
-And so, it just
goes on like that.
[SINGS ALONG TO MUSIC]
-Thank you.
You're hired.
Please wait outside.
-Nice.
-Doo, doo-doo, doo.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-So Mr. Blackwood has supplied
all the girls we need.
-Fine, Georgia.
Go and tell the girls
when costume and dance
rehearsals will start,
will you please?
-All right.
-Like my transition lenses?
-Listen, Gary.
I thought you were the boss.
But you let Georgia
select all the girls.
-I select all the girls.
-You?
But you didn't say a word.
-Why should I?
I have a little trick.
When I keep my legs
apart like so--
-Ah.
[GRUNTS]
---it means I'm not interested.
When I cross them like
this, ah, then it's OK.
-Ah.
-You always were a crazy guy.
When do things get underway?
-I'm having my body
re-blocked tomorrow.
-10 days.
-10 days?
Well then, have a good trip.
-Thank you.
-Hundreds of dancers are
loaded to a C31 transport
and dropped on Singapore.
-Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo dah.
-You know, I never get to
fly with exotic dancers, just
seed salesmen from La Crosse.
-Hm, Singapore's, right
across the Hudson River.
-From Los Angeles, they
take off from New York
to go to Singapore.
-Mm-hmm.
OK, there.
I've looked at clouds
from both sides now.
And you know?
Frankly, I'm not that impressed.
-Mm, this is a good storm, but
it's not the perfect storm.
-Oh, they had to divert
around Charlie Rich's hair.
CAPTAIN (ON PA
SYSTEM): We are now
flying over the Pacific
Ocean, near Honolulu.
Altitude is 15,000 feet.
-Wait, 1,500.
Aw, crap.
Does anyone know how
to read these things?
CAPTAIN (ON PA SYSTEM):
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
Number 247, number 247.
-(WITH EFFORT) May--
CAPTAIN (ON PA SYSTEM): We're
9,000 feet and losing altitude.
---day.
CAPTAIN (ON PA SYSTEM):
Number two engine burning.
-Wait, slow down!
CAPTAIN (ON PA SYSTEM):
Attempting emergency landing.
Present position is--
-I think they'll pull out of it.
-Repeat your position!
Repeat your position!
-I'm sitting.
-Damn, I can't pick
him up anymore.
Clipper 247--
-So is the beverage
service over?
[CHUCKLES]
-I Cliniqued!
-Ow.
-Oh, Abby's running more
"how we met" stories.
-No, Mr. Hastings,
I can only repeat.
There's absolutely no reason
yet to fear the worst.
Until now, we only know
that the plane caught fire
and that we've
lost radio contact.
-Well, there's absolutely
nothing to be worried about.
-Yeah.
Yeah, I'll let you
know immediately,
soon as I hear something new.
-Finally, I can
read "Savage Love."
-Argh!
I spent a brief second
without alcohol!
[NEEDY GRUNTS]
-Don't waste time
with the cap, drink!
OK.
Now smoke, then drink.
No, now answer the phone.
Nngh!
-Blackwood Agency.
No, Mr. Alberts, I don't
have any further information.
-Hm.
-Well, of course there's
a search party out--
[IMITATES WHIPCRACKING]
---there.
I tell you, rescuers are
looking all over for them.
There's still hope,
even after four days.
Yes.
I'll call you soon as
I hear something new.
-Hm.
See, I was thinking of
doing something-- ah, there.
-(SINGING IN DEEP, GRAVELLY
VOICE) Sun is rising.
-Well, that didn't work
out, so back to this shot.
-Wow.
Almost thought we were
in trouble, there,
flaming out and crashing at high
speed into the ocean and all.
[CRYING]
-We've been in the
water for an hour.
Would you stop
chewing on my foot?
-(TEARFULLY) These survival
meals are so high in fat.
-Stop that bawling.
You're driving us all nuts.
-Debbie goes immediately
into vacation mode.
-Oh, when did they
pick up kd lang?
-Water.
Just one swallow.
-No more today.
Tomorrow you'll
get another ration.
-Of me.
-Gary, give me some water.
-Who do you think you are?
-(FALSETTO) I'm trying
to tan my shins.
-The fifth night.
We can't hold out much longer.
-You're starting
that, too, Georgia?
-That darkens my features.
-A ship has to go
by here sometime.
Or we've got to at
least see some land.
-How big can the
ocean be, anyway?
-Oh, if only they could
find a desalinization plant.
-Water.
Please give me water.
-(FALSETTO) I need to
rinse out a few things.
-Look, a bird!
-Oh, thank heaven.
-Where there are birds,
there must be land.
[GLUGGING SOUNDS]
-Are you crazy?
Give that to me.
-That's my Hai Karate.
-They're already planning
a "Playboy's girls
of the plane crash" issue.
-Look at that, Gary!
Over there!
-(IMITATING SOUTHERN
ACCENT) Over where?
Oh, oh, there.
-Land.
There's land.
Help me paddle.
We've got to make it.
Paddle with your hands.
-Or your panties or your
breasts or whatever.
-Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.
-(FALSETTO) If there's land,
there's gotta a be a day spa.
-Don't stop now.
We'll make it.
[SINGING CONTINUES]
-It's not far now.
Then we'll be saved.
-I see a tall Spaniard in
a white suit with a midget.
-(FALSETTO) Wait, I forgot
my purse on the plane.
-I hope the natives
like fan dancing.
-(FALSETTO) OK, let me
get-- ow, ow, sharp.
Coral, ow--
-(FALSETTO) Ow, ow.
-(FALSETTO) --sharp.
-(FALSETTO) Puffer fish,
owie, owie, owie, owie.
-(FALSETTO) Ow, electric eel.
-(FALSETTO) My nails.
-(FALSETTO) Bull head, ooh.
-Oh, I can't go on.
-Come on, I'll help you.
-(FALSETTO) No, you go the
five feet to shore without me.
[CHUCKLES]
-Oh, brother.
-(MOANING) Oh.
-(FALSETTO) Oh.
-Let's pretend we're evolving.
[MOANING]
-An Exxon girl
tanker ran aground.
-There you are, Georgia.
-Just north of Florida.
-Lie down.
-Thanks.
-I can't go anymore.
-Oh, I can't wait to
get this pantyhose off.
-Here.
-Hm.
They must have filmed
this during an eclipse.
-Hey, the catch of the day.
[WHINING]
-They should just
start putting handles
on women for easy carrying.
-Babs.
-Hope the fish are averting
their eyes right now.
-She got totally
drunk on the raft.
-Right.
-So they sit around
floating for a while
and now they're exhausted.
-Pssh.
-I just don't--
-The woman is a
cold-blooded creature
and must lay on
rocks to warm up.
-Hey.
-Camera lenses were crafted
from hardened mud back then.
[GRUNTS]
-You gotta get back in
the figurines, honey.
-(FALSETTO) Ow, my neck.
-I got to go back and
get Camryn Manheim.
It may take awhile.
-(FALSETTO) No.
No, I want to be put by Debbie.
-I'm going to fashion
you all into a crude hut.
-He's kind of an early
Carmine Ragusa, isn't he?
-Georgia, darling.
-Make me some coffee and,
oh, get the Coast Guard
on the line.
-I can't believe Northwest
only offered us mini pretzels.
-(MOANING) Oh, Gary.
-There, there.
Take comfort in my beefiness.
-It's a giant sea doughnut!
We're saved!
-Oh, no.
It's the raft.
-Doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo-di doo.
[GRUNTS] Stupid.
-Mike, what the
hell are you doing?
-I'm trying to extricate
myself from this giant web.
-Well, be careful, will you?
And don't disturb the giant fly.
That's our lunch.
-Oh, sure-- OK.
You know, I'm not going to go
into how you made a giant web.
I just want to know why.
-Well, I think the
more important question
is, what possessed you to
leap blindly across the bridge
and get caught in
the first place?
-I didn't.
You--
-Do you routinely spring out
of the theater like a gazelle?
[SCOFFS]
-Crow, how do I get outta here?
-Good question.
Can you excrete oily, web-proof
spittle from your mouth?
-(SARCASTICALLY) Uh, yeah.
I think so.
Hang on, let me get a--
course I can't, you imbecile.
-Hey, hey.
I'm not the one who
sprinted headlong
into a large and
very obvious web.
-Here's some roasted
potato bug and dip.
-Mmm.
-This web's gonna have
us eating like kings.
Mike, what the
hell are you doing?
-Apparently he was pogo sticking
blindfolded across the bridge.
-Huh.
Too bad.
Let's eat.
I had no idea there were so many
giant insects in the satellite.
-Well, I had no idea
they'd be so delicious.
-Yeah, yeah.
Smell that.
-Hey, hey!
Now there's a giant spider.
Help me.
Help me!
-That's a pretty lame
impression of David Hedison
in "The Fly," Mike.
-Come on, Crow.
The giant mantis fingers are
bubbling how with cheese.
-Yummy.
See ya, Mike.
-Well, I'm dead, and, uh,
we'll be right back, OK-- shoo.
Hey.
Ow.
Ow.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Ooh.
Corn's looking good there.
-Mm.
[SINGING ALONG WITH
BACKGROUND MUSIC]
-And Hedonism II is born.
-I've enslaved the natives.
-Water.
-That's what dried
soup mix needs.
[HUMMING]
-Ah, the girls deserve
to see my thickness.
[SLURPING NOISES]
-Do we have to watch this?
-Ahh.
Water.
Water!
Water!
-Is that Gary?
-Water!
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
-Come on!
-Water?
-Where is it?
-How wonderful.
-Oh, let's go.
[FALSETTO BABBLING]
-Gary.
-Oh, there it is.
-Look, fresh drinking water.
-There it is.
-The best way to get it
is lick it off my chest.
-Oh, a spring.
Oh.
-The graceful, nimble dancers.
-Oh, let me in.
-I am one lucky bastard.
Oh,
-Feel it.
-(FALSETTO) Oh, I hope
this water isn't fattening.
-Oh, is anything more
wonderful than water?
[MOANING]
-OK, girls.
That's enough.
Let's go and have a look around.
Come on, come on, come on.
-Come on.
-Ready?
-Let's go.
-(FALSETTO) But I'm
severely dehydrated.
Can I drink more?
-No.
We must get moving.
-Getting better now?
-Stupid shoe.
-Don't lag behind.
-I'll help you.
-Let's go visit Brooke Shields
and Christopher Atkins.
-Heels are too high for here.
-Kate, your scarf.
-Oh, keep it.
-Coming?
-(FALSETTO) What, he's not
going to carry us this time?
Tschuh.
-(FALSETTO) Um, Schlemiel,
Schlimazel, anyone?
-Oh.
-Oh, my.
-Ow.
-My tender man skin.
-Careful, girls.
-Don't let my raw
sexuality overwhelm you.
[FALSETTO BABBLING]
-Ow, this--
-Ow, the corn's--
-Coming downhill.
-My hemline is-- oh, oh.
-What a strange sight.
-Well, let's keep going.
-I refuse to comment
on what you said.
-Won't be much further, will it?
-Hot, muddy foreign
chick action.
-Ouch, my shoe.
-(FALSETTO) Feels like
a sneaker, my ass.
-This way is not
that good for shoes.
-Gary!
Look what I just found.
-(FALSETTO) A stick!
-A hammer.
There must be someone
on this island.
-Really?
-A hammer with a long handle.
-That's me.
-It must be for the
purpose of excavating
some sort of metal,
most probably uranium.
-Can you eat that?
-Yeah, you could try it.
Come on, let's go and find out.
-Be sure and murmur
and coo some more, too.
[MURMURS AND COOS]
-Uh-huh.
Good.
Yeah, keep it up now.
That's it.
Hey, Susie, I don't hear you.
-Ooh.
-Oh, my.
[CHATTERING]
-And people complain
that there aren't
any strong roles for women.
Peh.
-Come on.
Hurry up.
Look.
Come here.
-Duck.
Swim.
-Look, a cabin.
-It's the Leatherface residence.
-(FALSETTO) I call
the bathroom first.
-(FALSETTO) No, me.
-(FALSETTO) No, I get it.
[SCREAMS]
-Charlotte's killing spree.
-(FALSETTO) He's gorgeous.
-Let's get out of here.
-All right.
Now watch how a man
screams in horror.
-He was caught in the middle
of a cheerleading move.
-A dead man in a huge web.
-Oh, I was looking
at the wallpaper.
-Oh, Gary.
-Murmur, murmur, slightly more
intense murmur, murmur, murmur.
-(WITH EFFORT) We've
got spirit, yes we do.
We've got spirit,
how' bout uhh--
-MRxL.
-Get rid of the dead guy,
turn on the LP tanks,
put out the dock--
we're ready to go.
-(FALSETTO) Could I
be in your cluster?
-Hey, there.
-Do you think we should?
-(WHISPERING) I don't know.
-Come on.
-She was appointed Acting
Gary in his absence.
-Damn, I was just about
to pinch her tush.
-The poor professor.
When he made the last
entry in the diary,
he didn't know how
horribly he would die.
-Well, his discovery
of the uranium deposits
didn't help him
any, even if it does
represent a tremendous fortune.
-Well, gotta tighten my shirt.
-We must keep it from the
girls that Professor Green
had a premonition of his fate.
-You see here, in
the last paragraph?
He says he'd thought something
terrible was going to happen.
He just felt the danger.
-I wonder where that
peculiar hissing
came from that he always heard.
-The audience.
-Oh, Gary--
[HISSING]
---I'm terribly scared.
I'm so afraid.
-Don't worry, Georgia.
-Oh, OK.
I won't.
Thanks.
-As long as I'm around,
nothing will happen to you.
I promise.
-Look into my nose now.
-Hi, Georgia.
-I'm hungry.
-I've made something
for you to eat.
Lucky there were some
canned goods here.
-Uh, Wardrobe, we have
a burst seam problem.
-Mm, food.
-It must have been a
really gigantic spider
to be able to spin
such a huge web.
-Maybe there are more of them.
-But a bite like that couldn't
have come from a spider.
-Aren't you at all afraid?
-Afraid?
I can't change anything.
-I'm terribly afraid something
awful is going to happen.
-Unlike the plane crash.
[GASPS]
-Look!
-(FALSETTO) It's our
friends who just left.
-We found the professor's
trunk full of stuff.
They'll certainly be useful.
-Boxer shorts and his truss.
-One, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
OK.
-Now we can sell this
stuff to the others.
-If we divide the
provisions up carefully,
they should last for a month.
-What did you say, Georgia?
A month?
Do you really think we'll
be here a whole month?
-I don't know.
-Thank you, Georgia.
-We have to go tomorrow
to the highest cliff
and light a smoke signal
to try and attract a ship.
10, 11, 12.
-Hey, they brought
Virginia Graham along.
-Hmm.
-Give me that shirt.
-No, it belongs to me.
After all, I found it.
-But my dress is in
worse shape than yours.
-No, I want to have it.
-Give it to me!
-Give it to me!
-It's mine!
-Stop that fighting.
Give me that shirt.
-You both get no shirts.
-Georgia.
-Cook this for dinner.
-Thanks, Gary.
-I suppose we could have
guessed that Georgia
would be getting it.
-That sheer fabric
would make a good shirt.
-Mm-hmm.
-Haven't you ever noticed
that Gary pampers her?
-What's this?
Where did you get the pullover?
-I found it here, if you don't
have anything against it.
-(DERISIVELY) Hah.
-Now stop it, or I'll
take care of both of you.
Give me something
to drink, Gladys.
-Rice vinegar's fine, thanks.
-Take it easy, Gary.
We're all a little nervous.
It's really no wonder.
-Ha.
Don't you think I'd rather
be in a bar in Singapore
with a nice, cold drink than to
be on this God-forsaken place?
-With eight hot babes?
Tscuh.
-Drinking this horrible stuff?
-Haw-er-ible?
-Buh.
[GIGGLES]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Darned heat.
-Hmm.
-It didn't stay in the air.
-Look out, will you?
And stop making so much noise.
-If you don't like it,
you can do the dishes.
Or do you think I'm doing
this for my own pleasure?
-Stop running your tap
and dry up, will you?
-I can't wait 'til
the spiders eat you.
-I simply can't stand this
frightful heat any longer.
-Ah, the movie reveals
its true purpose.
-How about throwing your
dirty blouse someplace else?
I want to sleep.
-Excuse me, Charo?
-(FALSETTO) Hey, I have
some Slim-Fast bars.
We're saved.
-(FALSETTO) So, anyone
want to catfight, or--
-I sure hope you don't
lose your lipstick.
You'd hardly be able to
get along on this island
without it.
-Her accent changed three
times in one sentence.
-Spider!
-I'm through!
-Oh.
-It's about time.
Now I'll shower.
Give it here.
-Ooh.
-Come on.
Come on, girls.
Let's go to sleep.
-I'm going to sleep outside.
-Good night.
-Me too.
-Good night.
-Ahh.
-Good night.
-Good night, Kate.
-Tomorrow I'm going to try to
pull my pants up to my chest.
-(SINGING) Taking
off clothes music.
[IMITATES CYMBALS]
-Reporting for bed, sir!
-Hm.
I'm getting mixed
signals from her.
-Try crossing your
legs now, pal.
-You know, guys who play
the muted trumpet love
these movies.
It's the only time
they get work.
-Ma'am?
Hey.
Hey, lady.
[WHISTLES]
-Over here.
[WHISTLES]
-Turn around, come on!
-OK, OK.
-He has Torgo Area.
-Good.
I found the
professor's revolver.
-Get some sleep, Gary.
-I can't.
I think I'll go out
for a little walk.
But don't worry.
I'll be back very shortly.
-This condescending pat will
hold you 'til I get back.
-(FALSETTO) Oh, I'm
so nude under this.
Mm.
-Man, this is too much
even for me, Mike.
Can't we see a couple
of elderly scientists
in lab coats talking
nonstop instead?
-(FALSETTO) I'm feeling
so, I don't know,
erotic or something.
-Hey, this is not the
Amelia Earhart story.
Who are they kidding?
-Ooh, I'm glad I added a porch.
-With my luck, I'd
crash with ZZ Top.
-Heh, heh, heh, heh.
I'm impotent.
-Um, you're in my
writhing space.
-Gary?
-Wow.
Can you really do
that through pants?
-Oh, Gary.
-Pull your slacks up higher.
-Mm, I'd love to
braid your back hair.
-Oh, faces have actually melded.
-Gary!
-Your infidelity
mildly irritates me.
-Damned heat.
I don't know what
I'm doing anymore.
-Yes, I've been unfaithful,
but it was, like, 87 degrees.
-OK, come here.
Hey, hold still, will you?
Hang on a sec.
There.
-It's also kind of windy.
That, too.
And high humidity.
-Good chest rubbing weather.
-Whoa, slipped in a
spider flock there.
-I've been lifting.
What do you think?
-So, this is a sexy,
spider-filled version
of "The Tempest."
-Hey, come into my parlor.
-You see, if it was
in the low '70s,
I would never have jammed
my tongue down her throat.
-I fell out of the tree!
-Gary, thy Lord commandeth,
tug your pants down a titch
and put on a shirt.
-Since when do spiders need to
expend so much effort to climb?
-Hey, a nice thick
one down there.
-Gah!
Spider pile.
-Oh, you want a hickey?
I'll give you a damned hickey.
Heh.
-Red Lobster's snow
crabs finally fight back.
-Get off me, you
exoskeletal piece of--
-Those were shots.
I heard them clearly.
-Oh, I hope nothing's
happened to Gary.
[GASPS]
-I hope my coating of
oil will protect me.
[BURPS]
-Too many malts, ugh.
-Damn, just when girls
began to like me.
-Oh, hairy palms!
Mother was right!
[SCREAMS]
-I'm going.
If you're not going with
me, I'm going alone.
-Stay here.
Don't leave us alone.
-Do you want to find Gary?
[SCREAMS]
-My little brother's
messing with our tent.
-And so our story ends.
Doh!
-Oh, just leave
everything as it is.
We must find Gary.
Babs and Ann, you go
in that direction.
Where in the world is Kate?
-Here, Georgia.
-You two go in that direction.
Kate and May will
go along with me.
-Wait, who told
them to get dressed?
-Yeah.
-Hurry up.
-What about me?
-You?
You remain here and put things
in order while we're gone.
[SCOFFS]
-Start by alphabetizing
our shoes.
-The endangered
wild Daryl Hannah.
[WHISTLING]
-Hey, Gary?
-(FALSETTO) I know
you're out here.
I can smell your Brylcreem.
-Would you quit that whistling?
You're making me nervous.
-I'm not afraid when I whistle.
-Uh, don't buy extra
strength Biore.
-The king approacheth.
-Gary!
-Gary!
-Gary.
-Gary!
-Gary.
-Put out a dish of oil.
-Gary!
-Come on.
We gotta keep looking.
-Without me.
I'm staying right here.
-(FALSETTO) I've got
feet Like Billy Pilgrim.
-Did you hear anything?
-No.
-But there's something
moving there.
-I don't hear anything.
-They're all dubbed
by the same person.
-Gary!
-Hey, Gladys, don't
leave me alone.
-Then hurry up.
Gary!
-Gary.
-(SINGING) Gary, Gary.
I like that. (SINGING) Gary.
-Gary!
-Gary.
-Yeah. (SINGING) Gary.
-Gary!
-Gary!
-I'm Gary.
Look for me.
-Gary!
-(FALSETTO) Who's
gonna tell us when
to eat and when to go to bed?
-Gary!
-I won't go out with a
half man, half spider.
I'm sorry.
-OK, honey.
You're alone.
You can ease up on the sex now.
-(FALSETTO) Mm.
Feast your eyes on my
good stuff, nature.
-(SULTRY) Well,
hello, shrubbery.
-(FALSETTO) I wasn't even being
sexy 'til the dirty sax music
started.
-The skirt is more
slit than skirt.
-She's a sexy Henry
David Thoreau.
-(FALSETTO) I can make these
into primitive pasties.
-Strange that she's a
published medical ethicist.
-(FALSETTO) Mm, do I
turn you on, too, brook?
[AROUSED GIGGLING]
-It's a touchdown behind her.
-I heard a scream.
I heard it plainly.
-The scream came from there.
-Should we say "Gary?"
-(FALSETTO) Oh, broke a heel.
-(FALSETTO) Me too.
-(FALSETTO) Me too.
-They'll cover her coffin
in a flag slit real high.
-(FALSETTO) Hm.
Not real.
Now we know.
-How awful.
-You know, Susan,
before she died,
she told me she
thought you were fat.
-She's been strangled.
-The spider.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Georgia, who's next?
-Um, that would be a
Ms. Peal Forrester.
-Forrester, eh?
[LECHEROUS CHUCKLE]
-Oh, you're going
to like her, Gary.
She's great.
-Whee.
-Hee, hee, hee.
Woo-hoo!
-Huzzah.
-Hoo, hoo, hoo.
Whee-hee!
-Uh-oh.
Pearl, something's happening.
-What's up, cotton ball?
-What's up?
I'm taking some
dancers to Singapore.
-Mm.
-You do well there,
the sky's the limit.
[GASPS]
-Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
Singapore!
And then Off-Off-Broadway,
and then Off-Broadway,
and then Broadway!
-Oh, good luck, you guys.
-You too!
Good luck, Bobo.
-Luck, hell.
This is for a shot at fame.
Right now I couldn't
hate you more.
Spread out, you two.
PEARL (OFFSCREEN): Ow.
-Mm, meh.
-(FALSETTO) Next.
-What?
Son of a--
-Beat it, has-been.
-(UNDERTONE) Uh,
I guess not bad.
-(FALSETTO) OK, baby.
You're in.
-Yes!
Eat it, loser.
-No.
-(UNDERTONE) Ah, Gary
likes that, yeah.
-Uh, that's great, sister.
Now give us a little leg.
-Leg?
Oh, sure.
Brain Guy?
-Oh, yup.
-Ow.
Yeah.
[CRYING]
-OK?
-Babs?
Babs.
-Oh, it's horrible.
Oh, Georgia, the
professor's been killed,
Gary's disappeared, and now
we've just buried Linda.
[SOBBING]
-Which one of us is
going to be next?
I don't want to die, don't
wanna die, don't wanna die.
-Ann!
Ann.
Now stop it, will you?
Stop it before you
drive us all crazy.
-Not me, not me.
-And I tell you, they'll
never find us, never.
-But I'm sure the
police are moving
heaven and hell
to find us, honey.
-(DEEP VOICE) We'll
be fine, ladies.
-The police?
The cops I know, if they catch
you spitting a little bit
or find you drunk, they sent
you right off to the cooler.
But you just say
somebody got lost
and they won't lift a finger.
-Hm.
-Do you believe that
they'll go running around
for a few broads who are lost?
-But how are they to know
that we've been rescued
and on this little island?
-Rescued?
Who's been rescued?
We, perhaps?
Show me the island.
Show me.
Where does it lie in the ocean?
Show it to me.
-By the time they find
us, we'll all be dead.
You, you, and you,
one after the other.
GEORGIA (OFFSCREEN): Babs.
-Bang?
-Get a hold of yourself.
You're only getting all
the girls worked up.
-Great.
Heh, heh.
-Well, if it isn't Miss Georgia.
Of all people, it has to be you.
Who has Gary and Linda
on her conscience?
Who?
-Ah, I'll be right there.
Hang on.
-Babs, do you know
what you're saying?
-Exactly.
Through your jealousy.
You should never have left
Linda alone in the cabin.
-Shut up, will you?
What can Georgia do
about Linda's death?
-Take your hands off me,
or I'll break your arm.
-Just you try that, baby.
Take that.
-Oh, man.
I don't think I can
take another girl fight.
-Mm, fun.
-Mmph.
-So there will be whippings.
OK, I can roll with that.
-You!
-Nelly!
-Carmelite nuns, the real story.
-(AROUSEDLY DISTRESSED) Oh.
Uh.
Underpants, oh.
Nngh.
-Babs, Nelly, stop it!
[PANTING]
-Servo?
-Girl fight.
Ugh.
-Gah!
Servo!
He fainted.
-Oh.
-Guh.
Get up.
-Oh.
Uh.
-Come on.
-Oh, sorry, Mike.
It's all a little much for me.
[AROUSED MOANS]
-OK.
-Ohh.
-No, shh.
Easy.
Steady yourself.
-Babs!
-Stay here.
Leave the fight.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT)
The Lennon Sisters
were fightin' more and more.
-Please leave me alone.
-Man, they're future
governors of Minnesota.
[GRUNTING]
-I usually have
to go to a website
to see this kind
of thing, like, uh,
-Sure.
[PAINED GRUNTING]
-Daisy Mae is upset.
-Backstage at Lilith Fair,
Joan Osborne and Jewel
have another brawl.
-Oh, you have nice skin.
We'll start with a
little foundation and--
[SCREAM]
-Well, OK.
I'm trying to help.
-Oh.
-Dun dun dun duuun.
-Uh, where should we
spill this oil, Captain?
-Come, come!
-Is the ship getting any closer?
-I don't know.
Come on, throw in on.
-(EXAGGERATED MIDWESTERN
ACCENT) I don't know.
-Yeah.
-Should I get some more?
-Yeah.
-Should I get some more?
-No.
-No.
No, that's enough.
That's giving enough smoke.
-Kathie Lee Gifford
tried to rescue them,
but they turned her down.
-They must see us.
They can't just leave us here.
Hello!
Hello!
-Stop all that screaming, Ann.
-(FALSETTO) Hello.
-You're driving me crazy.
-Let me go.
Hello.
Take us with you.
-Damn Californian.
It never helps anyone.
-Hello.
We're over here.
Please don't forget us.
-Helloo.
-Yell with me.
They must hear us.
Hello!
Hello, there!
Take us with you.
-May, it sailed right by.
It sailed by.
-(GERMAN ACCENT) Even
though we said, "Hello!
Take us with you."
-We'll never get home now.
Never again.
-28 days.
28 long days and nights.
-(FALSETTO) That's how
late my videos are.
-And nobody even
knows we're here.
-So today a ship
sails right by us.
Our rescue's so close.
-Ann, May.
-Turns out we're on Catalina.
-Oh, Georgia, a ship.
There, a ship.
-Oh, it's gone.
How terrible.
And we only have enough
food left for three days.
-(FALSETTO) We'll have
to eat the Hormel stuff.
-Ann, Ann!
Come on back.
Come on.
-Look, they're missing a huge,
nutritious salt lick right
under their feet.
-So they founded
the isle of Lesbos.
-You know, with no
men there, they'll
stop shaving their legs, their
armpits, their upper lips.
-Uh-huh.
-Basically, they'll
start looking like men.
-(SURPRISED) Oh.
[GRUNTING]
-Here.
You go ahead and
start unloading.
I'll take the oars up.
-OK, Bob.
-(GRUNTING) Would you at
least get out of the boat?
-What are you carrying
the oars so far away for?
Afraid the mermaids
will steal our boat?
-Ha.
Don't talk to me about women
on this god-forsaken island.
-You're my belly warmer.
-Should have taken one along
as part of your ration.
-I wanted to, but
it wasn't approved.
-Tuh.
-Now, there's no need for "tuh."
-Hey, come on over here and
give me a hand, will ya?
-OK, I'm coming.
-Ahh.
Take it easy.
-(STRAINED) Easy now.
Easy does that.
Boy, that junk is heavy.
-Man, how many heads
did you put in this?
-Bob, you know, I'm sort
of glad the professor
picked us out to help
him with his work,
even though it's
lonely over here.
-Good backstory, Ray.
-Gimme some whiskey.
[GRUNT]
-If there aren't any chicks,
then at least some whiskey.
-You only think about
whiskey and women.
-And drugs.
-You better change, or
you'll never get any place.
-Get off my back.
I'm sick of your preaching.
-Take the professor,
for example.
-Uh, that guy's
always been lucky.
While we explore all sorts
of islands for six months,
he comes with us once
and finds this stuff.
And of all places,
on this miserable--
-Oh, careful now.
---island.
-Stop grumbling, will ya?
-Aw, go on.
-I'll say "tuh" again.
-I'll go and look for
the professor, now.
-OK.
Get on out of here, will ya?
In the meantime, I'll unload.
-And, uh, have fun.
-Yeah, sure.
-Remember, we work
for the professor,
and we've been gone six months.
-Hey, they have the Swiss
Colony booze basket.
-Now to balance my electrolytes.
[WOMEN GIGGLING]
-Drink it and hear girls giggle.
-Aha!
Oh, damn.
There's a tree in my way.
-Can hear footsteps.
Does the tree have
wood flooring?
-I'll impress the ladies
by impersonating a sloth.
[WOMEN GIGGLING]
-Tsk.
This poor guy thinks
they're manatees.
-We're nude and have no nipples,
and we're uniformly colored.
-Doodle doodle doodle
doodle doodle doop.
[FALSETTO GIGGLING]
-(FALSETTO) I'm in the deep end.
-(SINGING) It's kooky, and
we're swimming, and we're nude.
And we are swimming, and it's
kooky, and we have no nipples.
And we're--
-Mm, Pearl Drops.
-Ah, yes.
The hustle and
bustle of city life.
-Honk honk!
-Taxi!
[ENGINE NOISES]
-Heh heh, that's right.
Wedge into the
crevasse, that's it.
-Man, the best thing I
ever found in a tide pool
was a sea urchin.
-There's a giant woman swimming
off the cliffs of Dover!
[SCREAMS]
-A sea spider's attacking me!
-Gladys!
Gladys!
-Quick, girls.
We're in danger.
Make for the beach.
-We can't leave her here.
-So that all of
us will be killed.
Let's go.
Come on.
-Ow, scraped my
stomach on the rocks.
-Huh?
-Wow, a whole island
full of Gingers.
-That's all right.
-Look over there!
[GASPS]
-Uh, OK.
What?
Yes?
What are we looking at?
-Hmm.
-Meanwhile, Singapore suffers
through a severe dancer
shortage.
-The Dixie Chicks
go big game hunting.
-How terrible.
-The web in the cabin.
-Ugh.
-The gun.
-Wayne LaPierre
is on the island.
-Gary took it with
him that night.
-(FALSETTO) It'll
make a neat accessory.
[COUGHS]
-Ahem.
Uh, I'm only sleeping.
I see you stealing that.
-And this is his bracelet.
-(FALSETTO) Most of the candy
hasn't been eaten off yet.
-But where is Gary?
-Please, Georgia.
Let's go.
I'm so afraid.
-Perhaps there are
more spiders around.
-Well, at least I got a
kicky scarf out of this deal.
Hey!
-Come and sit with me.
-What do you want from me?
-Well, give you three guesses.
-Uh, I don't know.
I'm pretty pissed
about you attacking me.
-I was gonna ask
you for the time.
-(UNCOMFORTABLY) Mm, oh.
(FALSETTO) I'm laying
on a dead man o'war.
-You know, Burt
Lancaster he's not.
-Not even Bert Lahr.
[SINGING JAUNTY TUNE]
-Georgia!
-Georgia!
-Georgia!
-(WHISPERING) Would
you stop that?
-Sorry.
-Here we are.
Gladys is gone,
down by the lagoon.
-We were swimming when suddenly
she was pulled into the reef.
-And she screamed terribly.
-Who was it?
Did you see anyone?
-No, it all happened so quickly.
A scream--
---and she'd
already disappeared.
-Maybe the spider killed
the professor and Linda.
-We found a gigantic
spider, dead.
-It was shot with the
professor's own revolver.
-And Gary's bracelet was
laying there beside it.
-(WHISPERING) What's that noise?
(SINGING) Allons
enfants de la patrie.
Le jour de gloire est arrivee.
-(WHISPERING) Quiet.
[HUMMING_"LA_MARSEILLAISE"]
-Hands up!
Stop, or I'll shoot.
-Give us all your Pamprin.
-Huh, hey.
Hello, baby.
-Hands up!
-Anything you wish.
-Get going into the cabin.
-What a coincidence.
That's where I wanted to go.
-I said, get going.
-(FALSETTO) I'll have
Babs mess you up.
-All righty.
-I think he's handsome.
-Mm-hmm.
-He doesn't look so terrible.
-They're the really
dangerous ones.
-Too bad.
-The woman sounds like Urkel.
-I just escaped from Beau Geste.
-OK, turn around.
-Hmm?
-Where's Gladys?
-Spying on the Stevenses.
-What did you do with her?
-Let me speak to him.
Where is Gladys?
-Gladys?
No idea.
I don't know the young
lady, unfortunately.
We just got here,
down on the lagoon.
-You see, Georgia?
-Where we were swimming.
-And that's where
Gladys disappeared.
-On the lagoon?
-Hm.
Ho, ho, ho.
-Ah!
-(FALSETTO) Will you
terrorize me again tomorrow?
-Don't laugh.
You'll be sorry about that.
-Huh?
-Oh, I don't know.
Just look at what's
coming down the path.
-Huh?
Mr. McFeely?
[GASPS]
-(FALSETTO) Oh.
-Gladys!
-Oh for goodness--
-Oh, Gladys.
-He attacked me, and
now, we're engaged.
-Who's that?
-My friend Bob.
We work together
for Professor Green.
-Why, he's a big
uranium research man.
I met him before, in the reeds.
-A researching researcher?
-Hm?
-Then you had better luck
than I. I was nearly shot.
-Hi, there.
-That is, if the
revolver had been loaded.
-Tshaw.
Broads, huh?
-And you?
You here on a summer vacation?
-Hmph.
Fine summer vacation.
-Mm.
-If we hadn't found
this island, we
wouldn't be here
to tell the story.
We crashed on our
way to Singapore.
-Ah, then you're the American
dance troupe that got lost.
-Yes.
-Well, how do you know that?
-Oh, all the newspapers in the
world have carried your story.
-What?
-(FALSETTO) Huh?
-I'll bet Professor
Green was surprised
when all these girls showed up.
Ha ha!
-Professor Green is dead.
-Well said.
-What's with the professor?
-Dead?
-What?
-Ha ha!
-He was hanging in
a huge spider web.
That's how--
-Jelly?
What?
---we found him.
Linda is dead, and Gary, our
manager, has also disappeared.
-What's that?
Dead?
-Spider web?
-Dead?
-Do you really believe that?
By the way, our ship is
coming back in two days.
-We must radio
information right away so
that they can send an agent
to clear the matter up.
-Dead?
-You mean it?
A ship's coming by?
-Our expedition ship.
-It will take us with it?
-Yeah, of course.
-We're rescued.
-Yeah.
-Not so fast, Gladys.
I have to sample the others.
-Wow.
She should depilate.
-Look.
Isn't it pretty?
-The boys will be
surprised when they
see how we've dressed ourselves
up in our island costumes.
-Boys?
Who's there, a Cub Scout troop?
-And they promised us
real whiskey, kids.
I can hardly wait.
-Hold this.
[WHIMPER]
-Shall I put this in my hair?
-Uh-oh.
-Hey.
-You look great, just
like a real islander.
-Well, I am.
Haven't I been here
for four weeks?
[WHIMPERING]
-I can't believe
that we'll be back
in New York in a couple of days.
-When we tell them at home
what has happened to us,
nobody's going to believe us.
-Where are Georgia and Ann?
-Uh-oh.
-Outside on the veranda.
[SIGH]
-Mike, Servo's down again.
-Oh.
Uh, hey, Tom.
Wake up.
-I wonder if a lot--
-Come on, man.
-Sorry, Mike.
---when we get there.
-(OVERWHELMED) Flesh.
-Yeah.
[WHIMPERS]
-What's important for me
is that Jimmy's there.
-Who is Jimmy?
-My friend.
We're going to be married.
-Even though he's invisible.
-What if he's got
eyes for another?
-You don't believe
that yourself.
I'd scratch his eyes
out, and he knows it.
-Kids, we've made radio
contact with the ship,
and we'll be picked up tomorrow!
-And tonight we'll dance
and really raise the roof.
-Wow, these Amish barn raisings
get wilder all the time.
-I'm going to call
the rescue boat,
tell them to take their time.
-Huh.
-Next dance is with me, Ron.
Ha.
-Eh, she dances as well
as Bruce Springsteen.
-(SINGING) This gun's for hire.
-(STRAINED) OK now.
Suck in the gut.
[INHALE]
-Unfortunately, she took lessons
at the Arthur Miller dance
studio.
[SIGH]
-Well, I think I broke a
rib tightening my belt.
-Tell me, what kind
of a girl is Ann?
-Usually quiet and
one of the nicest.
She's away from home
for the first time.
Her folks live in Minnesota.
-Their governor's
a huge, bald Nazi.
-I've never seen her so relaxed.
-Or puffy.
-I'd like to dance with her.
-But my crotch
stuffing restricts me.
-Hi.
Been looking for a
bloated man with a scarf?
-So, Minnesota.
That must be passive-agressive.
You know, anthropologists
would call this a mating dance.
What do you say?
Heh heh.
-So, you into scouting?
-Twirling?
You must be mad!
-Mike, could you inject
me into this film?
-I'm worried that Eric von
Zipper's gonna show up.
-This is how I view the world.
Everyone else is out doing this
while I sit in my underwear
eating a toasted cheese sandwich
and drinking a nice beer.
-Pretty accurate.
-Come on, Bobby.
I want to be all alone with you.
-How 'bout the house?
-Not in the house.
Someplace where
we'll be all alone.
-Wow.
-You know what?
We'll meet at the lagoon.
-OK.
But so that no one will notice.
-Good.
We'll meet in 15 minutes on
the trail down to the water.
All set?
-Of course.
-Mwah.
-Oh, but be on time.
I hate waiting.
-Why can't this be
on every channel,
like the State of
the Union address?
It'd be great.
-Thanks.
-Hmm.
Women or booze, women or booze?
Hey, women and booze.
[WOLF WHISTLE]
-Having a good time
with the chicks?
-Nah, mine's from Minnesota.
-Shut your mouth.
-Falling for her?
-Hmph.
[GLUGGING SOUNDS]
-Minnesota, huh?
Boy, that Harold Stassen is
a bright young face, huh?
-Oh.
-Heh.
I drooled in it.
I hope that's OK.
-Thank you.
-Whoa.
Didn't think you'd
drink that much.
Ah, well, hm.
-Tell me, are you
always so quiet?
-Y-you know--
[DUMBFOUNDED GIGGLE]
---when you've live on
islands for a long time,
you forget how to say
nice things to girls.
-Well, try it once.
-Uh, do you like bugs?
-Well, I'm really glad
that your airplane crashed.
-Well, that's a
nice thing to say.
-I mean--
-I'm glad your puppy died.
I-- oh.
-I mean, otherwise, I wouldn't
have gotten to know you.
And, and I'm glad about that.
-Oh, you say that to everybody.
-No, Ann.
I don't know any girls.
-Eh-heh.
-And when I think of the
ones I do, I'd rather work.
-Well, I must say,
you certainly are
a master at paying compliments.
-Perhaps you're--
perhaps you're right.
I should pay more
attention to young women.
-Maybe I wouldn't be so gay.
-Sometimes I envy Bob.
He's so uninhibited
and carefree.
-Bob?
Any girl is good enough for him.
[LEERING LAUGH]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-A real man is interested
in only one girl.
-Then I'm a-- then
I'm a real man.
-How?
-Ow!
-Because I'm really
interested only in one girl.
-Who's that?
What does she look like?
Cute?
Elegant?
-Elegant?
Mm, on the contrary.
-Hmm.
-A little bit disheveled
and neglected,
but, um, very pretty.
-Oh no, I didn't mean you.
Sorry.
-Her name's Ann.
-Oh, Joe.
-That's one of the nicest things
that's ever been said to me.
-Well, I meant it.
I'm really fond of you.
-In a one night
stand sort of way.
-You know, whe-- when you
leave for New York, here.
So you won't forget
me too quickly.
-(FALSETTO) Get this sweaty
thing off me, you creep.
-But Joe, please don't
let me wait too long.
-(FALSETTO) Ow,
that really hurt.
-Come on.
I got 12 minutes left.
-What's in 12 minutes?
-My next--
[IMITATES ACCENT]
[MOANING]
-Are you attracted to
my Jeff Conaway hair?
BABS (OFFSCREEN):
Hello, big boy.
-Oh, hello, Jessica Rabbit.
-Well, I'll be darned.
That's not bad, either.
Hey, all right.
You really don't know
where to start here.
-(FALSETTO) I tried to tackle
my fidgety sister, but I fell.
-The hell is this?
-Where-- ahh.
-I'm Curve E Voluptuous.
-Huh.
Your body language is confusing.
You're telling me something.
-OK.
You need me to paint your house?
Let me come over there.
-So, should we get our filthy
raincoats on to watch this?
-The many loves
of Michael Landon.
-An injured member of
the Swedish bikini team.
-(FALSETTO) Don't
crush my begonias.
-The horrors of Spider Island.
-I like her mink tool belt.
-Very nice.
-Can I look at you some more?
-Just gonna adjust your
bra strap with my teeth.
-Settling, the movie.
-Well, [CLEARS THROAT] I
checked your epiglottis.
It's fine.
-(DEEP VOICE) Hey.
Try yourself a shemale, pal.
-Bob really never follows
through on anything, does he?
-Jackie Gleason's
music for lovers only.
-Woo hoo hoo.
-He's going to die of
peroxide inhalation.
-Gladys.
-Oh.
You're here.
-What's on your mind, huh?
-Nothing.
-In love?
-No, I just need
to prune my chest.
-Mm-hmm.
-Do you really think that
Bobby's the right man for you?
-Well, he attacked me.
-I don't know.
I only know one thing.
I love him.
-(FALSETTO) Well,
I love his groping.
-Hm.
I hope he doesn't let you down.
I'd be very sorry for you.
-(FALSETTO) Gosh, I love
Michelle Shocked, don't you?
-Hello, daddy-o.
How about throwing those lamps
on somebody else for a change?
-Yeah, baby.
Like you swing, too.
-(FALSETTO) All right.
Let's check on your totally
monogamous boyfriend-- hey.
-I rub yeast into my
hair every morning.
-Come on, Gladys.
It's not worth it.
-Don't bother me.
-Gingham spider boyfriend head.
-(DEEP VOICE) Hey, Bob, $50 says
I could beat you arm wrestling.
-Hey, Georgia, get
me a drink, too.
-All right.
-Thanks.
-Bobby.
-Yeah?
-Do you have to turn
all the girls' heads?
-Who, me?
They turn mine.
Hm.
-Yeah, this is the
kind of guy that they
warn neighborhoods
about these days.
-Hi, Georgia.
-Hi.
-That dance sure
made me thirsty.
-Georgia, aren't you at all
excited about going home soon?
-Mm-hmm.
-OK, let's drink to that.
-Yeah.
-Well, here's to the trip.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
-Man, I'd pay $11,000
to be there right now.
-Do you think people are
still talking about us?
-Of course.
Now all the more,
since we found you.
-Will the papers
print our story?
-Oh, baby.
Will the papers print our story?
The magazines will
carry your pictures.
And what do you think radio
and TV will do with you?
-(FALSETTO) Make me
show my knockers.
-You'll be amazed
at the reception
you get back in New York.
-Maybe they'll drive
us down Broadway,
with confetti and all.
-Hm, probably not.
-In any case, you'll become
a world famous troupe.
And, hm, who knows?
Maybe you'll wind
up in Hollywood.
-Oh, Bobby.
I might make it yet.
-Thank goodness I still
have a few minutes
left 'cause my next
rendez-vous is very important.
-And this time
who's the lucky one?
-If you won't tell
anyone, Gladys.
-And a few pips.
-Bobby.
-Hm?
-Gladys is a fine girl.
Up until now she's
been shy of men.
Please, leave her alone.
-Exactly.
I've always yearned
for a girl like this--
-What's he doing?
---and never found one.
-Ever eat glass?
-Why am I telling
you all this, anyway?
-Wow.
-So, Mike, if you're a woman
and you're in a plane crash,
you instantly become languid,
helpless, and sex-starved,
and, and you murmur a lot?
-Hm.
-Hm.
Well, uh, let's just
see, why don't we?
-OK.
[ENGINE NOISES]
[MOANING,_MURMURING]
-Well, there you have it.
-Yep.
Survive a plane crash,
and you do indeed
become languid and
helpless and sex-starved.
-And you murmur a lot,
even guys like us.
[MANLY CHUCKLE]
-Hey, that was fun.
Let's do it again.
-Oh, yeah.
Let's auger this baby
in one more time.
-Woo-hoo!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[HUMMING]
-I'm still needy.
-(FALSETTO) I'm gonna marry
an inhibited pork roast.
-Oh, Joe.
I'm so happy.
-Well, that's what I expected.
-Same old story.
You're nice to a man,
and before you know it,
he's getting fresh.
[CHUCKLES]
-OK, your turn.
-Ann, I must tell you
something right away.
Come on.
-Hey, hey, Ann.
-Stop kissing her.
-Let her run.
They're all good for nothing.
-They're all the same.
-With their big deal
hair and fancy hips.
-Come on.
Let's have a drink.
[INHALE]
-(HOLDING BREATH) Sure.
Mmph.
Suck it in.
-Oh, Gladys, it's just
as I told you earlier.
Hm.
Don't you see that Bob is
just the kind of man who
wants nothing else
than to play around
with women without a single
serious thought in his head?
-You're right.
I don't want to see him again.
-Gladys!
-(HOLDING BREATH)
Can I let it out?
[INHALE]
-Uhh.
-Look, Bob.
You can keep those remarks
about Ann to yourself, get it?
-(SINGING) Ann, Ann,
blah blah blah blah Ann.
-Don't tell me you're
serious, fella.
You haven't fallen for that
little broad by any chance?
Well, good luck, then.
-And what if I were?
-Uh, have.
-Then I'd feel sorry for you.
What are dancers?
Hot goods for cold nights.
-Oof.
-Or do you think your
Ann is different, hm?
-For a guy like you, the worst
girl in the world is too good.
-But I like Tonya Harding.
-Oh, thanks.
Now I smell like Midori.
-No.
Not here.
Come on.
-Let's take this inside.
[GRUNTS]
-My famous rubber
arm puss punch.
[GRUNTS]
-Wait.
Not here.
Over by the Sung vase.
-Ah, he learned from
his master, Moe Howard.
-At this point, I
would suggest the name
"Spider Island" is misleading.
-Yeah.
-Aha!
I had dog do on my boot.
-There.
-The masters of stage nudging.
-(LAUGHING) I'm
bleeding internally.
-Me too.
-Oh, high hair.
-I gotta run.
I got a date.
-OK.
-Thanks for touching my
nipple before you left.
-Boy, defending my misogyny
really takes commitment.
-OK.
See, this is neither
bikini women nor spiders.
It's, it's really pointless.
-Yeah.
[GASPING]
-Yeah, he saw an air
molecule that respects women.
-Hello, Gladys.
-Oh, leave me alone, you.
-(FALSETTO) You stole my
drunk, filthy boyfriend.
-What's the matter
with you, kid?
Have you gone crazy?
-You ask me that?
No man in this world, even if
he belonged to your best friend,
would be safe with you around.
-Are you talking about Bobby?
-Who else?
But you can keep him.
I'm through with him.
-I've got news for you.
-I'm Clint Howard.
-Bobby just made it clear to
me that you're the kind of girl
that he's been looking for.
-Do you mean that, Babs?
-If it weren't true, do
you think I'd leave him?
-Babs!
-Go to him.
He's waiting for you.
-(DEEP VOICE) I'm
going to go bench.
-Look at that shadow.
It's Sideshow Bob.
-Still, the movie's better
than "A Midsummer Night's Sex
Comedy."
-Yeah.
-(SINGING) Yeah, I
don't respect women.
Women are just toys
for me, oh yeah.
-Say, there's a crotch.
Oh, wrong kind.
-The horrors of Spider Island.
-Mm.
Boy, these woman-haters'
cigarettes are good.
-Soundtrack by Schroeder.
-(FALSETTO) I'm so lucky that
Bobby went through a complete
personal transformation
in the last 45 seconds.
-Um, where the hell is he going?
-Uh, hello?
-Oh, man.
-I-- I'm not just wondering if
there's a point to the movie
now.
I'm wondering if there's
a point to anything.
[GROANS]
-I should move on to
hating older women.
-(FALSETTO) Bobby, what kind
of china shall we register for?
-(FALSETTO) I styled
my hip fur for you.
-You better hurry.
He's probably French
kissing a conch.
-And another protagonist
disappears over the horizon.
-Christine Todd
Whitman on vacation.
-Bobby?
[GASPS]
-Finally, the hundreds
of STDs take their toll.
-(FALSETTO) Oh, I see.
So you'd rather
die than marry me.
-Someone, uh, tattooed a
ball peen hammer on him.
[SCREAM]
-That was uh, a scream.
-I mean it was really funny.
[SCREAM]
-That sounded like Gladys.
And Bobby's also gone.
-I'll look for them.
You get dressed and follow me.
-No, "un."
Undressed.
What is he thinking?
-Yes?
-(SINGING) Spy, spy,
spy, spy, spy, spiders.
Spy, spy, spy,
spy, spy, spiders.
-Oof, spider shin splits.
-He's got less back
hair as a spider.
-Hmm.
-(FALSETTO) Pay no attention.
I'm just an outcropping.
-Oh, momma.
-(FALSETTO) I wonder if
my Lightdays with wings
will actually get me airborne.
-When did Duke Ellington
do this soundtrack?
-Now with my spider-like grace.
Oh, man.
It's hard.
-Hey, a pod of exotic dancers.
-Don't you want to see
my segmented thorax?
-Damn potato gun.
-You go up ahead and
try and help Gladys.
I'll go back and
get the ammunition.
Quick!
-(FALSETTO) Uh, I
really like spiders.
I never did any experiments
on them in school, honest.
[SCREAM]
-Oh, thank you, movie.
-That's sweet.
It's nice.
-(FALSETTO) I get her lip wax.
-How does this movie really
feel about women, I wonder?
-I'll be right back.
I think I got something
that can help.
-Another character
flees the film.
-Bob!
-(WHISPERING) Do you
have a breath mint?
-Oh.
Hmph.
So I guess I'll
reload the boat, then.
Tshuh.
-(WHISPERING) Bobby.
-Man, will he tell
God I punched him?
-(LISPING) I'm a sprite again.
Whee!
-I'm gonna kick
the crap outta ya.
Come on.
-I thought spiders
were supposed to go
scurrying under the
bathtub when they saw us.
-All right.
I'm gonna pick you
up and throw you
into my web, which I made with
machine tools in my garage.
-What was that exchange?
-I didn't get it.
-Look, whoever you
are, I got these
spiders I need to deal with, OK?
Hey.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Where are the bullets?
-Oof.
-It's too late.
He's here.
-Hey!
You stepped on my web, you jerk!
-What, are you
scared of a spider?
Come on out here.
-I had a garden spider
to this to me once.
Hid in my bathroom
and called the police.
-(SINGING) I want Joe Frazier.
-Maybe I've always just
misunderstood what spiders are.
They're large, hairy
bipeds with pants.
[FRIGHTENED WHIMPERING]
-Good, Georgia.
K-keep distracting it
while I think of something.
-Gary.
-Yep, you got me.
-Man, now it just
seems kind of stupid.
-I'm glad it's dark, you know?
I can imagine my
own action scene.
-Try saying "Gary" to him.
-Oh, man.
My spinneret's backing
up in my pants.
That doesn't do any good.
[GRUNTS]
-Oh, that's a shame.
-Come on, sunshine.
Come on. [GRUNTS]
-Georgia!
-No!
-(FALSETTO) (SCARED) Oh, oh.
Hey, there's more
pretzel sticks.
[GRUNTS]
-Um, Larry?
Harry?
Barry?
What the hell is it?
[FEARFUL GRUNTS]
-I have a good mind to put
this up my butt and entertain
at Lollapalooza.
-(DEEP VOICE) Let's
take the cabin, men.
-Wait.
Each of you take a torch.
Then we'll chase him.
We can only destroy
him with fire.
-OK.
-Here.
-(FALSETTO) Remind me why
we're listening to you.
Let's just check in as to who
was getting his butt kicked
by a spider and who wasn't.
-All right, come on.
Come on!
We must surround it.
Two of you take path over there.
-All right.
-Two go through the bushes.
The rest of you, come with me.
Nobody should go alone.
Always go in pairs.
Come on.
-(FALSETTO) So, "Go
alone and panic?
Is that what you said?
-This is good chase music.
-Suddenly I want to
do the Charleston.
-(SINGING) Gary, Gary.
Gary, a-Gary.
G-g-Gary.
-Paparazzi!
-(FALSETTO) Oh, Cindy,
your torch is so cute.
I just can't wear a torch.
It's my hips, I think.
-Come on.
He's over there.
-Oh.
-Man, I would love to be
chased by these villagers.
-Yeah, that'd be great.
Surrounded, beaten,
and burnt, and--
-No, no.
That's not what I meant.
-Oh.
Well, that's just
my thing, I guess.
-(WHISPERS) Yeah, I guess it is.
-Please, please, let me live.
I'll eat aphids off your
rose bushes, I promise.
-So, um, is he strong?
-Hey, listen, bub.
He's got radioactive blood.
-Whoa.
-Sorry.
-But it just ticks me off.
-Come, Ann.
-"Is he strong?"
-Is this their
titillation trump card
we're seeing here,
dancers chasing
a half man, half spider?
-I do prefer the sweaty
lounging and beefy spooning,
the way there was almost
nudity there a couple of times.
-OK, OK.
I was just asking.
-Shoot.
I usually retreat to my
little hole in the barn,
climb up my string
to the rafters.
Damn.
-Uh, we're over here.
-So, the whole movie just up
and ran away from us, huh?
Well.
-Well, I'm gonna
go on break, Mike.
It's been 10 years.
I think I'm owed one.
You'll cover me?
-Uh, can--
-Can he do that?
-I guess.
-You know, they need
a big shirtless bird
to come in and
scoop up the spider.
-(WHISPERING) Maybe
we've lost him.
-They will not
come if I build it.
Shut up.
-You know, the
Dukes of Dixieland
also did the "Psycho"
soundtrack, I think.
-Well, there.
I'm back.
Feel much better.
-Good.
-Ah, good.
-[CHANTING_IN_LATIN]
-You should take a break.
-(WHISPERING) Stop!
The quicksand starts here.
-Oh, right.
The quicksand, remember?
-I'm sterile.
Don't touch me.
-Aha!
I skitter lightly across
the top of the mud.
-Oh, Joe.
He's sinking.
-Distributing my weight
evenly over my eight lets,
making my way delicately-- oh.
Oof.
-Can't I just
leave with dignity?
Oh.
-OK, so I'm no water spider.
-I hid egg sacs in your luggage.
[SCREAMING]
-Better dead than
continue living.
-As a general rule,
I'm not sure I agree.
-Wow.
He found out too late that
CoCo Wheats can't be beat.
-Aw, they've gotta
stop at Praying Mantis
Island for supplies.
-The bad news is they were
picked up by Captain Ron.
-Gaaah.
-(FORREST GUMP VOICE)
Shrimp kabobs, shrimp gumbo,
shrimp ice cream, shrimp
skin coats, shrimp hubcaps,
shrimp contact lenses,
shrimp-based religion--
-OK.
I can't believe we ran around
in our underwear so much.
-Come on, girls.
Babs, Kate.
-I want to sleep on
a bed of breasts.
-(WOODY ALLEN VOICE) So
anyway, that was my experience
on the island with the girls
when I became a spider.
[SNIFFS] Did it teach me
anything? [SNIFFS] Maybe not.
But you know,
really in the end--
-Hey.
-Huh.
-Worth it.
-So, you wanna end your
movie that way, huh?
OK, get bent.
We're outta here.
-Shrimp personal watercraft.
-Hey, turkey legs.
-Hey, bloaty.
-I'm going to make myself
a braunschweiger melt.
You in?
-You know it.
-Ha, ha.
Old braun--
-Grrr.
-Hello.
-Hey, a m-monster.
-Who is clearly Mike.
-Gee, what happened, Mike?
-Oh, I got bit by a giant spider
on my way in from the theater,
so now I'm a giant spider.
-Yeah, you're gonna see that.
Yeah, I gotta say,
though, Mike, you
look even less like a
spider than that guy
Gary did in the movie.
-Yeah.
Hm.
-Think so?
-Yeah.
-Yeah, you're still,
like, 99.999999999% human.
-Mm, no.
I'm a, I'm a huge spider.
I, uh, I got this
giant spider claw.
-Wow.
So, so what?
You're going to
attack us with that
and drain out our
essential life fluids, or?
-No, I--
-Oh?
-In fact I was going to make
myself a braunschweiger melt.
-Now that's a coincidence!
[FORCED LAUGHTER]
-Well.
-Whoa.
[CLEARS THROAT]
-Hm.
[SIGH]
-Let's see what Pearl's up to.
-(WHISPERING) Yeah, let's.
MIKE (OFFSCREEN):
The castle's gone.
There's nothing but a huge, dark
stain from them blasting off.
-Ah, no, Mike.
The stain's from Bobo.
-Oh, sorry Nelson.
Forgot to tell you.
We're moving back.
They had some weird,
arcane law in that town
about not throwing
garbage out your windows.
And I cannot abide that
kind of oppression.
So we got the castle back
up on the flatbed out there.
We had to stop and diesel up
at this here Pump-N-Munch.
Bobo's in the men's room.
Me and Brain Guy are
here in the ladies' room.
-Oh, I had no idea.
-Right.
-Law-giver, Brain Guy, look.
I found a bunch of balloons in
the men's room vending machine.
Ha!
So I bought us a whole bunch.
And look, they're
individually wrapped!
Well, this one even
protects us from something.
Oh, and this is from France,
and it's supposed to tickle us.
-Ugh.
-That's fun.
Oh, and this one?
This is a ribbed
balloons that's supposed
to make some lady happy.
I really don't understand--
-Can, can I see those, please?
-Oh, sure.
-Um, Bobo, we need to
have, uh, a little talk.
-Huh?
-You're not ready
for this, Nelson.
Now, Bobo, when a flower
loves a bee very much--
-Oh.
Bobo.
[HUMMING]
-Oh, um, my many lady friends
will appreciate my caution.
BOBO (OFFSCREEN): Oh.
[GIGGLING] Sweet.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BOBO (OFFSCREEN):
[MONKEY NOISES]