Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 10, Episode 9 - Gorgo - full transcript

-♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ Somewhere in time and space

♪ Mike Nelson
and his robot pals ♪

♪ Are caught
in an endless chase ♪

♪ Pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl ♪

♪ An evil gal who wants
to rule the world ♪

♪ She threw a few things
in her purse ♪

♪ And in her rocket ship
she hunts him ♪

♪ All across the universe

-I'll get you!

♪ I'll send him cheesy movies

-♪ Ooh, ooh

-♪ The worst I can find

-♪ La, la, la

-♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And I'll monitor his mind

-♪ La, la, la

-♪ Now, keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

♪ When the movies begin or end

-♪ La, la, la

-♪ He'll try
to keep his sanity ♪

♪ With the help of
his robot friends ♪

♪♪

♪ Robot roll call

♪ Cambot
-You're on

-♪ Gypsy
-Oh, my stars!

-♪ Tom Servo
-Check me out!

-♪ Crow
-I'm different.

-♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts
-♪ La, la, la

-♪ Just repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax"

♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪

[Rumbling]

-Well, I'm sorry, Mike!

-Well, there.
You just did it again.

-What the -- Gee.
-Hi, everyone.

Welcome to
the Satellite of Love.

Servo and I here
were just talking.

-Look, I didn't mean to turn
you on, and I'm really sorry!

-Uh, well, you know,
ever since Robert Palmer

introduced the concept
of accidental turn-ons

in his song, "I Didn't
Mean To Turn You On,"

well, there's been
a lot of involuntary

on-turning around here.

-Hey, there, guys! What's up?

-Crow!
-Oh, no!

Did I just turn you on again?
-Yes, you know you did! Geez!

-Boy, I am sorry.
I tried not to turn you on,

but I guess
I unintentionally did.

-You know, let's all try
to be a little more careful

about turning
each other on, okay?

-Uh, sure, Mike.
-Right, Mike.

-And you folks at home,
be a little more careful.

Don't involuntarily
turn anyone on, okay?

We'll be right back.
-Mike!

-Did I turn you on?
-Geez.

-Look at me! How do I turn you
on? I'm just standing here.

How did I turn you on?
-Sure.

-[Sighs]
-No, no. Now, there!

There! You didso mean
to turn me on that time!

-Okay, I admit it.
I turned you on, on purpose.

Okay? Because I was upset.

So I turned you on.
So bigdeal!

-Well, now you
just turned meon.

Can't you do anything
without turning people on?

-Oh, that's nice.
-I can't believe it.

Well, you turned me on.

-I did not!
-Yes, you did!

You turned around
and turned me on!

-You couldn't turn me on

if you had a dozen naked
Gerardos

and Fabio
in tight leather pants.

Ohh...

Uh...

Where -- Where was I?

Oh, right!
I'm remodeling the great hall.

I'm putting in
a conversation pit,

and the couch I had picked out
for it came in early,

so I need you guys
to store it for me.

Brain Guy?
-Yes, madam!

[Pop]
-And no jumping on the couch!

-Whee! Jumping!
[Laughter]

-Thanks, Grandma Pearl!
-Watch, you guys.

I'm gonna do something cool.
You can see my legs!

You can see my legs!
-Whee!

-Grandma Pearl does not want
you jumping on that couch!

Get off right now!
[Gasps] Don't!

Don't squeeze those juice boxes
on that couch!

[Laughter]

-Squirting all over everything!

[Laughter]

-Oh, we can't have nice things!

That's it. That is it.

I am going to give you
sucha movie.

-All: We don't care!

[Laughter]

-Bobo.
-Huh.

-Brain Guy. Get the movie.

-[Gasps] No!
-[Screams]

[Laughter fades]

-Huh?

-We have ways of dealing with
ne'er-do-wells

who insist on jumping on
our rent-to-own couches.

Your movie...

-[Screams]

-...is called...

[Hinges creak]
-[Gasps]

-..."Hobgoblins"!

-[Screams]
-[Laughs evilly]

-Pearl, please. W-Whatever
you're thinking, please don't!

-We're sorry!
-It was Mike's fault!

He made us! I'm sorry!

[Alarm buzzing]

-Ohh!

[Rumbling]

[Laughter]

-I'm scared.

-Hey. "Presents." Good!

-Oh. Well, that should be --
-No.

-Ohh. I'm very afraid.

-Ah, a badly lit warehouse.
I feel better already.

[Laughter]

[Gravel crunching]

-Hmm?
He got Pringles in his shoes?

-Proof that janitors
walk upright.

♪♪

-The true story of Neil Peart.

-[Imitating guitar playing]

-Dennis! Dennis!

-"I want to play tennis."

[Feedback whines]

-Hey! What gives?

-You're being paid
to work around here,

...not to sit around
and blast your eardrums!

-Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.
I can do both.

[Telephone rings]

-Is this Coach's brother here?

[Dial tone]
-Hello? Hello?!

-"Uh..."

-Didn't you hear
the phone ringing?

-No, I didn't.
-They've already hung up!

-Well, then it couldn't have
been too important, huh?

-Don't you have any sense
of responsibility?

That could have been
a very important call!

-At this hour?

-In the future, would you just answer the phone

no matter what hour it is and not make your own decisions

about what's important
and what isn't?

-Yeah, yeah, right, right.

-It's time for our rounds.

-Oh, they're doctors.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

D'oh.

-"Damn it! Why aren't you old?!"

-He's the abusive grandpa
I never had.

-Cameramen just can't get up
the energy to get over there.

-"In here's my secret stash
of Cheetos, Dr. Pepper,

and back issues of Cosmo."

♪♪

-Jimmy Stewart and Rex Smith
in "Breaking In."

-"He's really my mentor.
He taught me how to truly

love a woman from acrossthe street through a telescope."

♪♪

-"Yep, I used to be
Robert Frost, you know."

-So, it's a security-guard
training film.

-You know,
I think we actually are

fully qualified
security guards now.

-Yeah, I'd love to
get out of the rat race

and guard a U-Stor-It
for a while.

-Oh, yeah.
-That'd be great.

♪♪

-"I just want to measure and see

if you'll fit
in the incinerator."

-"It's weird to think
we were once married."

-Dennis, did I ever tell you
what this studio was like

when I first started here?
-Yeah, more than once.

-Oh, it used to be one
of the busiest lots in town.

-It's a real driving
metropolis now.

-Oh, oh, man.
His pants are coming at me.

-No, no, no, no, oh!
-Ooh.

-What's this down here?

-Oh, it's --
it's just an old film vault.

There's nothing down there.

-Well, yeah, but why
don't we check it anyway?

-No.
-I'm telling you,

there's nothing down there,

and I'm not going to waste
my time checking it out.

-Pants away.

-McCreedy.
-What is it now?

-I need to talk to you now.
-Well, I can't right now.

-Now! I mean it!

-"I'm colicky! Get in here!"

-And remember what I said.

-Hey. Whatever you say, Pops.

-"Okay. Then I say dress
in hot pants from now on."

♪♪

-Whoa. What is that stain?!

Ooh.

-Is he thawing a box
of frozen peas under his arm?

-Yeah, so what?
Now he becomes a Jedi knight.

Why am I sitting here?!
-Take it easy. Take it easy.

♪♪

-"Man, that stain
was unbelievable!"

-He's playing the organ
with his head.

♪♪

-That bank door killed a man.

♪♪

-So there's nothing down here.
-"You wily old fox."

♪♪

-Wonder what they keep in here.

-It's a secret
blow-comb storehouse.

-Yoo-hoo! Mr. McCreedy!

-"I need another Yoo-hoo!"

♪♪

-I wonder if he knows
his face looks like that.

-[Laughs] He can't.
-We should tell him.

-Oh, Burgess Meredith's
in there reading.

-Ah. [Chuckles]

-"Ugh! Ugh! My sunken chest
and string-beany arms!"

♪♪

-Maybe the Great Carnac answers
are stored in there.

-Yes!

♪♪

-Okay, yeah, yeah.
Go all the way in there,

slam the door
firmly behind you, and die.

Good.

♪♪

-Wow. These honor-system banks
are just never gonna make it.

♪♪

-This poor guy was edged

out of every decent role
by Grant Goodeve.

♪♪

-What, is he gonna get mauled
by $100 bills? Do something!

[Growling]

-Huh?

Wow. Shouldn't have
skipped lunch.

-Is somebody there?

[Growling]

-"I mean, besides you,
Cerebus."

[Growling]

-Wow. David Crosby's
eating in there.

-Is somebody there?!

-Does he have his pants
on backwards?

-Leif Garrett in "The Rose"!

[Feedback whining]

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Flat Butt!

[Crowd chanting]

-Well, he's already got
Loverboy beat as a live act.

[Rock music playing]

-Yep, now his big rock anthem
about minimum wage.

♪♪

-Ooh.
-Ugh.

You know, this is a real cheap
biopic of Jim Morrison.

-Mm-hmm.

♪♪

-♪ We're on the road
to nowhere ♪

-I'll say.

♪ Come on inside

-"Oh, the show's starting!
Yay, yay, yay!"

-Mike, if I run out of vomit,
can I have some of yours?

-Ugh.

-Oh, just singthe "St. Elmo's Fire" theme song

and get it over with!

-Whoa!

-Oh, he tried to crowd-surf,
but no one wanted to touch him.

-Hey! It's Carl Lewis! Oh, no.

-Okay.

♪♪

-The crowd threw
beef gravy on him!

♪♪

-Poor kid.
And he had so little promise.

♪♪

-Member FDI-Murder.

Death guaranteed
for up to 50,000 die!

-[Chuckles]

♪♪

-"Oh, what do I put on
my time sheet for this?"

♪♪

-Hey, the end credits!
Well, it was a terrible movie.

At least it was short.

-These are the
beginningcredits.

-Oh, well, kill me.
Please? Please?

-Ah, the king of
the Wisconsin Dells

finally gets a movie!

-♪ Paige Sullivan!

-[Chuckles]

-Steven Boggs...
this whole movie down.

-That's -- That's good.

♪♪

Wow. The cheap sequel
to "Billy Jack."

[Laughter]
"Frank."

-Is she related
to Wacky T. Bakke?

[Stifled laugh]
I'm leaving. I-I just...

-No, Crow. Come on.
No. Come back.

Just -- Just don't try so hard.
Come on. Here.

-Uh, Kari French!
[Chuckles]

I bet she loves that dressing!

Sorry! I hate myself! Goodbye!

-No! Crow! Get back here!
-"James Mayberry R.F.D."!

Oh, I hate myself, too!
-Come on. Get back in here.

Come on, Crow. Hey, Servo! No!
-No, no.

-Come on.
-I can't. I can't, Mike.

I'm out of here.
-Sit -- Sit back down. Sit.

Sit -- Oh, Crow! Come back.
-No! I can't take it!

-Get back and sit -- sit down.
Sit down. Sit.

Come. Get -- Get.
No. Get back in here.

Sit down. Come on.
-[Sobbing]

-No! Don't! Come back here.
-[Sobbing]

-No, no. We're gonna sit down.
We're gonna calm down.

We're gonna watch this movie.

-D'oh!
-D'oh!

♪♪

-So, Kevin,
is this the first time

that you've worked
as a security guard?

-Yes, sir,
but I'm a very fast learner,

and I promise
to try extra hard,

and I really need the job.

-"And I have a PhD
in security."

-You sound very mature
for your age.

-"Aw, shucks."

-Uh, you don't own one
of those portable radios

with headphones, do you?

-"Or one of those
horseless carriages."

-No, sir.
-That's good.

I think we'll get along
just fine.

-"Aw, ha, shucks!"

-Now, are you ready for
your first tour of the lot?

-Oh. Oh, yes, sir. Uh,
even prepared to take notes.

-[Chuckles]
It's not that complicated.

-"JFK Jr. could do it."

-"Uh, these are the stairs.

Stairs are your hips'
worst enemies."

-You've never been on a studio lot like this before, have you?

-No, sir.

-Well, it's not that difficult
to keep track of.

Uh, there isn't much
goes on here anymore.

-How long haveyou
been working here?

-Oh, quite a while.
About 30 years, actually.

And I've never missed a day

and had to have someone
fill in for me.

-Pathetic.
-30 years. That's amazing!

-Well, not really. You know,
time becomes sort of a blur

when you reach a certain age.
-Uh-huh.

-Sometime, I'll tell you
what this place was like

when it was still
a functioning studio.

-I'd like to hear about that.

-"I'll also tell you about
my problematic urethra,

if you'll follow me."

-"Yes, we paid for this wingwith the profits from
D.C. Cab."

-Now, Kevin, if I told you

that something
was very important,

you'd listen to me,
wouldn't you?

-Of course.
-Ah. Good.

Now, there is a part
of this lot

that I want you
to stay away from.

I don't want to have to explain all of the details to you.

I just want you
to promise to stay clear...

-I understand.

-"And I don't
really care anyway."

-Now, this is the part
I was telling you about.

-"This is where we keep
Clint Howard

and Michael J. Pollard."

-What's down there?

-It's just a lot of
dangerous machinery.

Now, don't go in there

and take the chance
of injuring yourself.

Do you understand?

-Yeah.
-Good.

Now I don't want to have to
remind you a second time.

Just stay clear of this area.

-"In fact, just sit at your
desk and don't do anything."

♪♪

-"Sometimes,
Katharine Hepburn shows up.

We have to chase her
out of here."

-So, is there anything else
I need to be made aware of?

-There is one other thing.

-"You should know you'll have toapply a series of ointments

to me regularly."

-He's got his
outdoor eyebrows on now.

-This is what I was
telling you about.

-"Used it to kill
Archduke Ferdinand."

-Oh, but don't worry.
I've never had to use it.

-Really?

-That's right. Not in all
the years I've been here.

-"Had to wing
Gloria Swanson once."

-I would like to show you how to use it sometime, though.

You never know
when you might need it.

-"You never know when
a relay race will show up

at the front gate."

-[Sniffing]
"Smells like Jack Ruby."

-[Sighs] "'I resign.'
The best words I ever said."

-Paint my muscle car
prune color, please!

-Ah, the dangerous-loner
model home.

-Hi.

-Not now.
Your friends are here.

-How do you read a record?

-Hey. How's it going?

-"Well, I'll come over there
so you can maybe answer me."

-Oh, what'd you bring?
Some new music?

-No, I just rented a videotape

that Amy and I
were gonna watch.

-Oh, that was very nice.

-Let me see what you got.
What?!

Don't you ever get any tapes
from the adult section?

My boyfriend would never
bring me a tape

that didn't have at least
a single-X rating.

-Ugh. Oof.
-Well, Kevin isn't like that.

He would never want me to see
anything that was rated X.

Would you?
-No, I wouldn't.

-"Scram!
It's the owner of the house!

We have to shoot the movie
somewhere else!"

[Horn beeps melody]

-♪ Lots of fish
-Oh, right...

I'd recognize that horn
anywhere!

That's my Nick, back from
two months of army training.

And you know what a man wants

when he's been away
for two months.

-No. What does he want?

-Whoo!

-Belly-dancing lessons?

-Ee-er, ee-er, ee-er, ee-er!
-Oh, dear.

-Oh, Nick!

-Ugh.
-Oh.

-Two months!

-So, um, that was sex?

-♪ Whoa, everybody
have sex tonight ♪

-Everybody throw up tonight!

-I wish that were us
doing something.

-Did you say something?
-No, no.

-Ironically, no one in the band
Wang Chung had sex that night.

-What, did Mark Rothko
do this room?

-Oh, yeah, and then
we spent all afternoon

studying hand-to-hand combat!

-I know about the techniques
you have with your hands.

Tell us about something else.
-[Gags]

-Yeah, can we change
the subject already?

-Why don't you pay attention,

and maybe you'll learn
something?

Nick is protecting our country,

and you're just guarding
some run-down deserted dump.

-What did you say? -Why don't you be nice to Nick,

and maybe he'll
teach you something?

-Yeah, I can teach you

all about hand-to-hand
combat, no problem!

-Yeah!
-Go on.

I know you can do it.

-Look, I said
I wasn't interested, okay?

-Come on!

-"I want to get away
from skull woman anyway."

-You know, this place has
real garbage-house potential.

-I don't want to do this!
-Here. Take this.

-Choose your garden weasel!

-Okay. Now hold it like this.

-Full-contact mulching,
I guess.

-You got to block
every move that I make.

I'm gonna take it really slow
on you, so watch out.

'Cause here comes
the first one!

-Wow.
-Go, Nick!

Kick his butt!

-"Yeah, give him a big
rusty gash in his head!

Come on!"

-C-Can we have a law
that, in the future,

films have to be made
by film makers?

-Is that a condom she has
hanging from her blouse?

-Ohh. -I'm getting so sweaty already.

-So we sent our armies
to the Gulf War

with garden shovels
and grass rollers?

-Their garden tools
make little Casio sounds.

-Yeah, go for it!

-"Yeah, really, really
kill him! Please!"

♪♪

-[Grunts]

-You know, I'd switch to the
weed-whacker at this point.

-Throw some Miracle-Gro
in his eyes!

-"I'm gonna compost you, man."

♪♪

-Ugh. Oh, the tension.
Will they water their lawn?

-Wow.
-Ever.

-I'll bet Nick can alsofieldstrip his rake blindfolded.

♪♪

-Ooh, he's making me nostalgic
for the film "Gymkata."

♪♪

-Oh. it just happened.
Did you see that?

The hose outacted him.
-Yeah. Yeah.

Did you know that Nick went on
to play "Pong" in his underwear

while drinking beer?

-"Hey! Hooray!
You ruptured his spleen! Yay!"

♪♪

-"Now I'm going to
remove your thatch."

♪♪

-"Don't let them hurt
my red shorts, please."

♪♪

-Ugh.
-Wow! Man.

-I could watch this forever.
-Yep.

-I have a feeling
I probably will be.

-Yep.

♪♪

-So, does Hardware Hank have a
major defense contract or...?

-He's also a black belt
in "Whac-A-Mole."

-[Grunts]
-Ha! That's neat!

Welcome home, Nick!

-You give up?!
-Yes!

-Now Nick's gonna
declare martial law,

loot his museums,
and call in an air strike!

♪♪

-My hero!
-Ugh.

-Wow.
-Whoa.

-Whew. You know, there hasn't
been such a glorious battle

since the Arnold Stang/
Wally Cox fight of 1958.

-You really humiliated me!
-Huh?

-What?
I didn't even want to do that!

-Oh, look! Ugh!
-Ew!

-Ugh, ugh, ugh.
-I wanted you to win.

-How was I
supposed to win, Amy?!

I've never even
done this before!

It was an unfair match!

-You looked really pathetic.

-"Okay. Grab a rake!
Let's go!"

-What do you want me
to do for you?

-I want you to make me proud.

-Peewee Herman casual wear.

-They made love in a Chevy van,

and that's not
all right with me!

-Or me.
-Give me that, Nick!

[Rumbling]

-Say, Mike, given the
incrediblydepraved attitude

regarding women
in today's movie,

I knew you'd want me
to make a short film for boys

and young men teaching them
how to treat the fairer sex

with a proper
and healthy respect.

Uh, Mike? Mike!

-Uh, yeah, sure.
-So, uh, good 'cause

I went ahead
and did it anyway,

and hopefully
it'll help just a little.

Let's watch.

Ah, women.

Women, women, women,
women, women, women, women.

[Chuckles]

For you young fellows
fresh on the cusp

of a blooming manhood,
the questions abound.

"What are women like?
What do women want?

How should I treat a woman?"

Perhaps the thorniest problem
facing any young man

is finding a woman
in the first place.

It turns out
to be nearly impossible.

This reporter spent countless
hours searching for a woman

like these pictured here
to no avail.

The nearest we came
during a tense stakeout

was this fellow who experts
believe is nota woman.

We begin to wonder,
where areall the women?

The overheated references
in poetry,

the images
that dominate our media --

is it all an elaborate fraud?

This grainy photograph
is the only direct evidence

we have of a woman
in her natural environment.

The longer hair, the gentle
and nurturing demeanor

are typical
of how witnesses describe

their supposed encounters
with women.

This footprint, while possibly
the work of jokesters,

is another piece of the puzzle,

and it is hard to discount
this man's terrifying story.

-And then, uh,
this woman, well,

I think it was a woman.

She, uh, married me.

-Did you have any children, sir?

-I don't remember!

-Some day, perhaps,
an actual woman will emerge,

and they will no longer exist

only in the realm
of myths and maybe.

Thank you.

[Sighs]

Oh, um, yeah, so, anyway, Mike,
in conclusion, um,

in the off chance
that you do run into a woman,

uh, you know, treat her
with respect and stuff.

-All right. You know, Crow,
you doknow women, though.

What about Pearl?

-Okay, so one woman exists.
That means allwomen exist?

-We'll be right back.
-Name me one other woman.

Go ahead.
-Well, I c--

♪♪

-What's the matter, Kevin?

-"I got a 3 on the GED."

-I-It's really a long story.

-I've got all the time
in the world.

-"Well, okay, then.
Call me Ishmael! I..."

-What do you do about someone
who you can never make happy?

-"Son, you make me very happy."

-Is this your girlfriend
we're talking about?

-"No, I can't make
my hamster happy.

What do you think?!" -I don't know what to tell you.

What's the exact problem?

-"Can I loosen her up for you?"

-Well, w-we've got this friend
who's in the Army.

-"Omar Bradley?"
-And my girlfriend's upset

because I couldn't do
all of the things that he can.

-"Like join racist groups."
-I see.

Did I ever tell you what I did
when I was in the Army?

-"I was Tokyo Rose."
-No.

-Oh. It's also a long story.

[Beeping]

-"Oh. That'll be Kevorkian."

-Uh-oh. Looks like
we've got company.

-Ah, some guy sneaking around
like a silent film villain.

-Looks like Dana Gould.
-Huh.

-Hey.
-Wait here!

I'll call you if I need you.
-But, Mr. McCreedy!

-I said wait!

-"Turn on your baby-minder."

♪♪

-"Hey. 'The Kirk Cameron Show.'"

-He goes the same speed
on the Ventura Freeway.

♪♪

-"Bullit." Now for seniors.

♪♪

-"I'll get that guy,
but first I'll just stop

at the Bishop's Buffet here."

♪♪

-♪ Take on me

♪ Take me on

-"Oh, I forgot
what I was doing!"

♪♪

-Ohh! Oh.
-Shut up.

-"Mm, I don't like the 'old guy
getting killed' channel."

♪♪

-"Nuh. If found, please return
to Hunter Thompson."

♪♪

-"I don't like the way
you greeted me at Walmart."

-Get away from him.-"You Menendez brother wannabe!"

-Who's this, your grandson?
-No, h-he's my partner.

-I said...

-"Darn, what was it again
I said?"

-...get away from him.
-"Yeah."

-Who you kidding? You don't know how to use that.

-"All right. So I didn't
plug it in. You got me."

-...marks.
[Gunshot]

-Aw, great, you just took out
Air Force One,you dope.

-[Coughs]
-Are you okay?!

Do you want me
to call an ambulance?

-No, no, I-I-I'm fine.

-Damn!
-What's the matter?

-I just wish Amy
could have been here

to see what I just did!

-"I shot a starter pistol
and whined out another line!"

-He's still on the lot.
-What do we do now?

-I'm going to call the police.

Try to locate where he is
but keep a distance from him.

Don't try to be a hero!

-"I'd better call Grandma,
tell her I'm okay."

[Rotary phone dialing]

-"This is Captain Kangaroo.
Come in, Mr. Moose."

♪♪

-So, did the ad
for the job read,

"Wanted --
whiny half-wit coward"?

♪♪

-"I just want to be brave
for my horrible, frigid,

nonsupportive girlfriend."

♪♪

-"When I find him, I'm gonna
make him sign in sobad."

♪♪

-"Serpico." "Dirty Harry."

Jake Gittes.
-Kevin!

-"This place is packed
with garden tools!"

♪♪

-Mr. McCreedy?

-"Hello?! Hello?! Hello?"

-...where all the machinery is.

-"No."
-Think he went down there.

I'm going in for a closer look.

-"Hello. Who's this?"

-Sit. Stay.

♪♪

-Carl Sandburg, P.I.

-God. The vault!

-"I've got to lobby against
Medicare cuts immediately!"

-Kevin!
Stop whatever you're doing!

Don't go near the vault!

No matter what you do,
don't go near the vault!

-This is Old Guy Radio, WOLD.

-♪ W-O-L-D

♪ The vault turned 21 in prison
doing life without parole ♪

♪♪

-Sister Kevin Prejean.

-Amy. I want to make you proud.

-"I'm gonna break into
Jack Benny's piggy bank."

-And tell me again
why they have

an elaborate security system
but they don't lock anything.

-I don't know.

-Ah, he's found
Ben Stein's money.

-Hey.

This is where the years
of mall walking pays off!

♪♪

-I mean, they don't even have
a twist tie on the door.

Geez.

-Script of "Billy Madison 2"
was kept hidden in here.

♪♪

-"Uh, what -- what am I doing?
Ow! Ow! Ooh!

[Muffled] Crushed myself!
I'm crushed. I'm dead."

-[Grunting] "Where did I leave
my egg-salad sandwich?! Ohh."

♪♪

-Hmm. Locked? Nah.

-Buddy Ebsen, triathlete.

♪♪

-"Papillon? Hi.
The door was open."

[Growling]

-Oh, Taz got out.

[Growling]

-Oh, we're too late!

Kevin, why did you go in there?

Why didn't you listen to me?!

-"Because you're really old. I
mean, would you listen to you?"

-Enough with
the Count Chocula music!

Geez!
-Take it easy. Take it easy.

♪♪

-"Come on.
Follow me to the band room."

♪♪

♪♪

-What's going on?!

-Ah, the hobgoblins.
Four hours in.

-Yep.

-What they done
with Casey Martin?!

♪♪

-♪ Oh, Thunder Road

[Growling]

-"Yeah. A real smooth ride.
Good steering. I like it."

♪♪

-"I went to Michael Spinks'
barber, okay?!"

♪♪

-"Here. Try some pole dancing."

♪♪

-"They ripped out
the tape player!"

-Oh. If you only knew
what you just did.

-Ooh!
-I don't understand!

What just happened?!
-The vault!

I-I tried to warn you.

Those creatures.
T-The vault. I tried.

-Sentence fragments!
Just phrases!

-All my work!

30 years I've been trying to
prevent this from happening.

-To -- To prevent what
from happening?!

-T-Those creatures --
W-Why do you think

I spent the last 30 years
of my life here?!

-Low SATs?

-I was keeping them
from escaping!

When I was young,
I began to work here.

The studio was --
was busy and prosperous.

-"Now I sound like
Joseph Campbell."

-I'll always remember
the night that it happened.

-"Golf carts were bigger then."
-It was late.

There was hardly anyone around.

-"William Holden
had just passed out."

-I didn't even know
what it was at first.

It was all so fast.

Just a flash of light
then a sudden explosion.

I stepped out to see
what it was,

but there was no one else
there except for me.

-"I had the popular Jerry Orbachhairstyle back then."

-It was right in the middle
of the lot.

If it had been daytime,

it probably would've been
crushed in all the traffic.

I just stared at it
for a long time.

I didn't know
what to make of it.

And then suddenly it moved,
and out of the top of the disc

came this small creature,
a sort of hobgoblin.

-Uh-huh.
-It looked around,

and then it stared right at me.

-"At this point,
I hadn't yet reacted."

-I didn't move.
I just kept watching him.

-"Yeah, yeah. That's true.
That's what happened."

-They seemed friendly at first.-"Yep, yep. Uh-huh. Uh-huh."

-If only I had known
what lay ahead.

-"But that's Monday morning
security guarding."

-But I still don't understand.

-I let the creatures live
on the lot. It was my secret.

And then I learned
of the power they had.

I still don't know
if they figured

they were doing good
for people or not.

-"So I married one
to check it out."

-They slowly began to destroy
everyone on the lot.

They would find a person,
tap into his brain,

and then create
his wildest fantasy.

-Yeah.
-It seemed harmless at first,

I mean, watching
everyone around me

becoming rich and famous.
-"Ehh..."

-But, for most people,

what they really want in life
can be very dangerous.

In fact, the creatures wound up destroying everyone --

everyone they came
in contact with!

-"Luckily, all I wanted
was a good Thermos."

-They're loose in the city now.

-But you could warn everyone!

-"Uhh!"
-They'd listen to your story.

-"Uh?"
-Would they?

No one believed me
30 years ago.

I went straight
to the head of the studio

and tried to explain it to him.

He didn't believe me.
No one did.

-[Yawns]
-I just watched helplessly

as people around me
were destroyed one by one.

-"But...uh! Uh!"
-What can we do?

-Oh, I-I'm too old
to catch up with them now.

But you might
still have a chance.

There aren't very many of them, but they move quickly.

Just remember they're attracted to bright lights.

That's how you can find them.

-"Mm."
-Watch everyone around you.

If a person begins
to act strangely,

it means
that one of the creatures

have tapped into his mind.

When this happens, the creature is never far away.

Find it and kill it
before it's too late,

because when the creature dies,

the fantasy ends
and the victim is safe.

-"Well."
-Now, remember.

They're only attracted
to bright light.

-Wow.
-That's how you find them.

But you must destroy them
all before dawn

because once it's daylight,
it's too late.

You'll never be able
to stop them!

-"Uh, great, Gramps.

Uh, I'm gonna go see
if the Colonel's hiring."

♪♪

-"Hmm. He never asked me
about my grandchildren."

♪♪

[Record needle scratches]

-Hey! Don't scratch
the Quarterflash!

-Why the Ross Perot doll?

♪♪

-♪ It's the '80s
-All right!

♪ Do a lot of coke
and vote for Ronald Reagan ♪

♪♪

-Larry Wilcox is gonna
make a cameo, isn't he?

♪♪

-"Say, is that Haircut
One Hundred they're playin'?"

[Growling]

-♪ Invest in arbitrage
and read Jay McInerney ♪

Whoo!

-Come on, Amy.
Would you get with it?!

-I think we stumbled
onto "Mel's Rock Pile."

♪♪

-[Growling]

-Meet the hobgoblins --
Frankie, Sniffles,

Bounce-Bounce, and The Claw!

-"On two. And...break!"

-"Ah, they're having
an all-girls night."

[Horn beeps melody]

-That car horn!
I'd recognize it anywhere!

[Gasps] Oh!

-Ooh.
-Ugh.

-"Make that three
hard-boiled eggs. Heh-heh."

[Horn beeps melody]

-See you guys later.

-"Okay, Olive Oyl!"

-Much later.

-Ooh.
-That's weird.

-"I'm not having sex right now."

-Maybe he's circling
the block or something.

-She looks like Michael Bolton.

♪♪

-I brought your jacket.
-[Gasps] Oh, God.

-I thought you
might be cold out here.

-Yeah. Thanks a lot.

-"Thanks for your
stinkin' kindness."

-Where's Nick? I thought
I heard his horn before.

-So did I.

-Well, maybe you should wait
inside until you see him.

-He's just looking
for a place to park.

Go back in the house.

-There's plenty of parking
in front.

Maybe it wasn't his horn.
-Look. I'm positive it was!

Maybe the police
just pulled him over

for all his warrants
or something.

There's no --
Just go back in the house.

-Fine. I get the message.

-Just take this
stupid jacket with you!

-"You and your stupid
thoughtfulness can go to hell!"

[Door closes]

-Damn it, Nick.
Where the hell are you?

-It's a praying mantis
in a party dress!

Oh, no. It's her. Sorry.

♪♪

-"Anybody out here
will do really."

♪♪

-[Gasps] Don King! Oh.
[Growling]

-Amy, would you just
go back in the house

and leave me alone?

-"I see your point.
Yes, I agree."

-Would you stop breathing
all over me?!

[Growling]
[Gasps] Ah!

-"Can't you see what I'm trying
to tell you? I love you."

♪♪

-Sounds like Nick's
finally got here.

-Oh. Oh, no.
We're -- We're simply depending

on the integrity
of the fabric at this point!

-Ow!
-Oh!

-"Look. I'm trying to get off
you. My claws are stuck.

Could you help? Oh."

-She must be happy to see him.

-Please make them be
titanium control panels

in those pantyhose!

-The historic first meeting
of Luke and Laura.

[Growling]

-Take that, you little...
-Work him into the soil.

That's right. Yep.

-When threatened,
she gains the strength

of a thousand trollops.

[Blows landing]

-"Tell them Laraine Newman
is in town."

♪♪

-"After my date with Prince,
I went right home."

-Ugh!

-Honestly, couldn't Nick wait?

-"Who's this Nick?
-Ohh!

-Is there another man
in your life?"

-What's going on?!

-[Screaming]

-"Someone's rubbing
puppets on us!"

-Oh, God!
-Man.

-You know, Nick's a fun guy,but he parallel parks so slowly.

-Oh!
-Oh!

-Koala bears are attacking!
-"We hate Qantas. Grr!"

[All screaming]

-"There's a girl touching me!
Yuck!"

♪♪

-"If you just let go,
they'll hit the floor."

-Aah!

-One of the towering heroes
of Granada.

-Go on! Grab it!

-Looks like a new dance.

-The Army was looking
for sharp people,

and Nick qualified.

-That's pretty kinky!

Hey, guys!

-Nick! Thank God you're here!
Something wild...

-I'm here to take you out. -Oh, it's those rotten animals!

-I don't like
Shari Lewis' new show.

-No.

-They do a lot of sit-ups.
-Oh.

[All screaming]

[Growling]

-"Nick,
lift your armpit at 'em!"

[Growling]

-"Just tell us
how to change the music!"

"Okay, we'll take
your literature,

but we're trying to watch
our program right now!"

[Growling]

-Wait here, all of you.

-Oh, Nick's in the Frencharmy.
I see.

♪♪

-"Time for my hourly shave."

-I knew I'd find
a use for this.

-So the Army just
hands out grenades, huh?

-Ohh!

-Open the door. Stand back.

-Oh, my God.
What do you call that?

-Urban renewal.
-A-ha.

And what brisk witticism
will this chappy have to offer?

Ah ha ha.

♪♪

-Wait!
-Oh!

-He's fast. Ooh.

[Growling]

[Music stops]

-Look at nothing.
Look at the nothing down here.

-No! Put that out!
-Nothing.

[Growling]

-"Ah, we drank your bong water.
Ha ha ha ha! Heh heh."

♪♪

-Come on!

-Hey, what up there,
Russell Crowe?

-Oh, I've set up
a crisis hotline for people

who've been traumatized
by watching this film.

-Oh.
[Telephone rings]

-Hey, hey!
-A customer!

-People and Robots Who've Had ToWatch the Movie "Hobgoblins"

Crisis Hotline. Hello?

-Oh, oh, uh, yes. Hello.

Uh, I am in a deep crisis,
which is very, very deep,

and I need to know
you won't hang up on me

like all those
other crisis hotlines.

-Ah, have no fear.
I can handle anything.

Um, it isrelated to watching
the movie "Hobgoblins," right?

-Oh, oh, oh, yes!

Of course it relates to watchingthe movie "Hobgoblins."

That's why I called.

Well, anyway, one day, I was
watching the move "Hobgoblins"

one day when I realized

while watching the movie
"Hobgoblins"

that I-I was in lovewith the woman very close to me,

a woman not of my species.

-Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
That is disgusting!

Ugh! I need a shower now! Yuck!
-Oh, wait!

Don't hang up! I need her.

Though she can be very mean
to me, I'm obsessed with her!

I watch her in every way --

emotionally,
spiritually, physically.

-Yuck! Stop telling me this,
ya freak!

I'm gonna be sick
all over the place!

-Hang up.
-Um, I-I have another call.

Uh, see ya.
-Hang up.

-No! I'll die without her!
[Dial tone]

She's a chimpanzee,
and her name is Emily.

Mwah. And I don't
care if anyone -- H-Hello?

Ah, rats! Another hang-up!

Well, let's see
who's next on the list.

Butterball turkey hotline.

[Line ringing]
-Oh, boy.

I mean, why do these people
even call if they have nothing

but twisted, perverted filth
on their minds?!

-I think it must be
your radiant compassion

that draws them.

-Probably right actually.

[Alarm buzzing]
-Movie sign!

-Whoa!

[Rumbling]

-Eh.
It was really that bad, huh?

-Man, can those little guys
submissively urinate.

♪♪

-Hey, that looks like
a good jumpin' couch.

-Ooh, yeah.

-[Sighs]

-"Well, I need to cash
my $47 paycheck now."

♪♪

-"I don't know. Maybe the
child lock is on. Come on."

[Growling]

-"Oh, there's a pair
of pink shorts in here

I simply must order."

-This guy gets his kicks
by calling about used Vegas.

-"Does it have three
on the tree? Ooh."

[Telephone rings]
-Hey, look there. It's my mom!

-Hi. It's me, Fantazia.
Thanks for calling.

I need a new house pet
to impress my friends.

Now, hurry before
the zookeeper comes.

Help me hide this iguana
on my body.

[Deep voice]
Uh, can I help you, miss?

-This is hell, right?
-Yes.

-[Normal voice]
Oh, yes, Mr. Beastmaster.

Something just
crawled up my leg.

-Oh.
-Ohh. See if you can find it.

[Deep voice] I think you better come back to my office with me.

-Mother, get out
of there, please!

-[Normal voice]
Now wait a minute.

Are you sure your office
is in the baboon pit?

Oh, Mr. Zookeeper. What do you think you're doing?

-"Um, I'm expecting a call."

-This isn't the children's
petting zoo.

[Deep voice] I have a new
house pet for you, miss.

-Why are we watching
an insane woman?

-[Normal voice]
Oh, Mr. Zookeeper.

I could never take
a cockatoo that size.

-It's the hobgoblin
with the laughing face.

[Record needle scratches]
-Oh.

-Now stop wasting your money
calling me.

I'm right outside your door.

-Is Fran Drescher out there?

-Don't keep me waiting, lover.

[Click, dial tone]

-Hey. Here's an idea, guys.
This should be fun. Whee!

-He's bouncing.
-Look! I'm having fun!

-He's, like, on the couch.
-Whee! This is fun!

[Sobbing]
No, no. It's not fun.

No.
-Come on.

-No, it is! Whee! Whee!
-Yay!

-Ha ha!
[Sobbing] It's not fun.

-It's all right.
I knew it wouldn't be. I knew.

It's okay.

♪♪

-[Gasps] Robert Plant!

-Ugh. Ugh.

"That is exactly
what I want to look like!"

-I don't need to see every part

of the human anatomy
outlined in spandex.

I can trust it's all there.

-Where's Kyle?

-What, did they split a keg
of Robitussin?

-What did -- Get up.

-Did you guys see
where he went?

-No!
-Do you --

Do you kiss on the first date?

-Oh.

-I go all the way
on the first date!

-My kind of woman!

-"Do I have a friend for you."
-My place or yours?

-Neither.
We'll go to Reputation Road!

-I'll drive!

[Gasping]

-"I have to get my pants
annealed first."

-"Oh, geez. Oh, lady.
This is gonna be so great.

Oh, wait. Oh, I'm done. Sorry."

-"So you guys don't know
where he is then. Eh. Eh?"

-"I sense the old man
calling me."

-"Kevin!"
-Uh, do we have some time

to get Pop Rocks
and whipped cream?

-Just start the car.

-Reputation Road, here we come!

-"Okay, you guys.
I know a shortcut.

Take, uh, Western Avenue."

♪♪

-Amy, quick!
Where's Reputation Road?

-"We're up."

-Daphne,
where's Reputation Road?!

-Uh, you go down to the end
of the street. Make a right,

go through two traffic lights
and up the hill,

and there it is --
uh, so I've heard.

-What's going on?
-I don't have time to explain.

It's about those creatures.

I've got to go across town
and get Kyle.

I want the rest of you
to stay here.

Don't make a move
or do anything.

And, above all, don't
fantasize about anything!

♪♪

-Ah, the rake thing again.
So the movie doesmake sense.

-It's a good movie, see?
-Yes.

[Engine starts]

-Now, see, here we see him
leaving a parking space.

It's an entirely different
kind of shot.

-It's a good movie.
-Yes.

-You know, girls, I can think
of a fantasy right now.

It's involving
the number three.

-Three hours of
"C.P.O. Sharkey."

-[Scoffs]-"Oh, like -- like I'm the pig."

-"Come to our club and discuss
cleaning your bathroom tile."

-"What a clever ad.

I'm going to show
the girls at church."

-Ah, painted by the cast
of "Hee Haw."

-I guess.

♪♪

-Aggressive driving instructor.

-Hey.
-Uh-huh.

Again, we see the director
falls back on parking.

-It works.
-Yeah.

-It's good stuff.

-Ahh. Don't park here.
-Why not?

-It's reserved for Bob Packwood.

-We have to park near the edge
if you want to goall the way.

-Uh-huh.
-Oh, yeah. Sure.

-This is a really
well-thought-out make-out spot.

They must get public funding
or something.

-[Chuckles]

[Emergency brake grinds]
-Ooh, strange zipper.

-How's that?
-Perfect.

-That was some shortcut
you knew about.

I never knew there was a road

through the children's
playground.

-There isn't!

-Ah, nothing like a good
child-endangerment joke. Ha!

-Well, uh,
what are ya waiting for?

-"Uh, once and for all, I --

I really need
to decide my orientation."

-Whee.
-Yes.

-Forget it.

-Fantazia, where are you going?

-Oh, look out for the hip bone.

-I wanted a better view
of the city.

-Can you catcha venereal disease from a movie?

-You can see it all from here.

[Crunch]
-Ooh! What just crunched?

-Now, isn't that a lovely view?

-Oh, it sure is.

-The ZZ Top version
of sexuality.

-Where are you going now?

-Just wait a second.

You just keep
watching the view.

-"Keep watching the view."

-Just hold tight and get ready
for the ride of your life.

-"Uh-huh!"
-Do it to me.

-Yeah, she's the kind of girl
you bring home to meet Mother

if Mother is
a cigarette-y retired hooker.

-[Grunts]
-Wow.

-"Oh, another date is pushing meoff a cliff again."

-[Grunting]

-Rip.
-Mm.

-Need any help?

-Would you get back inside
and wait for me?!

This time, don't move!
-You know, this ishell.

You know,
now when we meet people,

we'll be able to report
what hell is like.

-It's true.
-We're almost there.

Just think nasty thoughts
while you wait.

♪♪

-That is not a woman.
That's David Lee Roth!

♪♪

-Oh, okay.
Now I feel grounded.

There's a car
pulling into a driveway.

-Whew!

-Camaro -- the official car
of Peaked In High School.

-[Grunts]

-Her pants
have sapped her energy!

♪♪

-It's an Agnes de Mille
dream ballet.

♪♪

-"I'm thinking of growing
a mustache. What do you think?"

-It's a bonsai Bigfoot.

[Growling]

-Kind of.

♪♪

-[Sighs]

-"Back pain is gone."

-Do it to me, baby.

-"Sell me a quality muffler
at a reasonable price!"

-Ugh!
-Damn fool!

-What are you doing here?!

Hey, I want you
to meet my girlfriend.

Wait till you see her.
Fantazia? Honey?

-Kyle, there's no girl!

She was a figment
of your imagination!

-No, she's not!
She's just hiding somewhere.

I-I told ya,
she's a shy girl.

Sweetie?
-A shy girl?!

That bleach-blonde witch
almost killed you!

-But the car will do anything
to get out of the movie.

-She was back there trying to
push your car over the cliff!

Hey! Come on!
-Whoa!

♪♪

-In an unforeseen tragedy,
the two actors were not

in the car
at the time of the crash.

-Damn!

-He makes an insurance claim
for $700 worth of red shorts.

-Their car turned into
a Lincoln and crashed!

-Whoa.

-Now do you believe me?

-Look at that guy wave that gel
in front of the light.

-"Eh, come on.
Let's get out there

and wreck another scene.
Come on."

-Oh, that's 30.

Thirty parking scenes.
I've been counting.

-Mm.
-Thirty.

♪♪

-"Well, I got to get
my legs waxed."

-I'll discuss my phone bill
with you later.

Oh, no.

They're gone!
-Ooh!

-"Drive us to Chuck E. Cheese."

♪♪

-[Growling]

-Marty Allen is attacking.
[Chuckles]

-No, you idiot.
That's metric!

-Hit the creature!
-I'm trying to!

-Really the worst
that would happen

is one of those little
plastic guys would fall out

and you'd choke on it.
-Yeah.

-Hit the creature!
[Grunts]

-The puppeteer's knuckles
must be very bloody by now.

-[Screeching]
-[Grunts]

[Breathing heavily]

Idiot.

-This from an assistant
security guard.

-The creatures broke loose.
Are you guys okay?

-Ugh.

-We're doing just fine.
-[Groans]

-What about Amy?
Where is she?

-Yeah, she was acting
kind of strange.

-What?
Where is she?

-Well, she said she wanted
to go to Club Scum.

-What?! Why didn't you try to stop her?

-And I've seen the police
arresting people there

all the time
for God knows what!

-Oh, no!
Come on!

-Let's hope it was
a coitus-free van ride

over to Club Scum.

-Oh, I hope so.

-Thirty-one.
It's 31 parking scenes.

-The Club Scum courtesy van
arrives.

♪♪

-♪ Chord, chord, chord, chord,
chord, chord, other chord ♪

♪ Chord, chord, chord, chord,
other chord ♪

♪♪

-Gary Gaetti!

-Daphne, I think you got this
all wrong.

Amy would never come
to a place like this!

She won't even go through the
mall parking lot by herself.

-Would you just listen to me?

You guys have to have
a certain kind of attitude

when you're in this part
of town.

You got to look like you
belong, okay?

-Like the overacting extra
there.

-I get it.

-Look, would you
just listen to me?

And nothing will happen.
Now, look.

I think one of us should hold
the wallets for safekeeping.

-You.
-Good idea.

-Rick Sloane pioneered
the standing-in-a-stiff-line-

near-the-trouble-light shot.

-Quiet and just be cool.

♪♪

-Nick? Kevin?
Daphne?

-[Chuckles]
-[Chuckles]

-Part of me is laughing.

I think the --
the part of me that hates life.

-Yeah. Right.

-"Ah, my insulin."
-Mmm.

-Oh, it's Debby Scum,
one of the Scum girls.

♪♪

-♪ Do-da-doo-doo,
doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you guys think
you're going?

-"Where's your scum?"

-We're looking for a girl
in here.

-Somehow I don't
think the girls in here

are gonna be your type.

Why don't you, uh, try
the Polo Lounge up the street?

-[Chuckles]

Ooh, Daphne.
-What happened to you?

I didn't see you back there.

-Hi!

Road Rash.
Long time no see.

-I was sorry to hear
about your boyfriend

coming back from the Army.

You give me a call next time
he's on duty, okay?

-Oh, Road!

-Ixnay on the oldier-say.

Okay?

-Look, bite me-ay.

-What?
-[Sighs]

-Can we go in?

-Well, you guys
are friends of Daphne's.

-Uh, you're complete filth.
Get in there.

-Go for it.
Knock yourselves out.

-Hey.
Marge Simpson.

♪♪

-You know, this scene really
makes me want to go clubbing --

the director of this film!

Where is he?

♪♪

-Do you guys see her anywhere?

-Oh, would you just sit down

before people start staring
at us?

-I wish I wasn't staring
at any of you!

♪♪

-"Uh, say,
try the sea bass tonight!"

[Indistinct shouting]

-Oh, it's a Club Scum Christmas.

-Oh, you must be here for the
wet T-shirt contest tonight.

-Wet T-shirt contest?
-"I could win that."

-Donkey mud wrestling?

-Donkey mud wresting?

-Get Lucky Night?
-No.

-"Ivan Lendl look-alike night?"

-Oh, I'm sorry.

The donkey mud wrestlers

are supposed to use
the rear entrance.

-Oh, you're the expert on that.
-Wow.

-Enjoy the show.

-Hey, Daphne.

-Yeah, Club Scum.

-Hi, Daph.

-So why are there lunch ladies
serving tater tots back there?

-Sit down.
Chill.

-"They're right.
It isscummy in here."

-How do you know those guys?

-It's just platonic.
-Oh, really?

-Oh, would you just shut up,
okay?

-Hey, you guys aren't much
of a help, you know.

We're supposed to be
looking for Amy.

[Indistinct conversations]

-"Willkommen. Bienvenue.
Welcome."

-[Clearing throat]

[Feedback squealing]

-"Uh, Satan's on the phone.
He called."

-[Clearing throat]

-"That's my act.
Good night!"

-Greetings, lowlives,
and welcome to Club Scum.

-Hey, get off the stage, idiot!

-"But you're my manager!"

-"I don't know.
I like him."

[Mid-tempo music plays]

-♪ Callin' out around the scum

♪ Are you ready
for a brand-new filth? ♪

-Scummin' in the streets.

-♪ Why work for something
when you can... ♪

-This makes me want to dig out

my extensive
Adam Ant collection.

-♪ It's always been
my philosophy ♪

-"Can we get rolls
or bread sticks or something?"

-♪ A little of this
and a whole lot... ♪

-I think it's Ron Reagan's band.

-♪ I want it all

-"He's -- He's singing us
the menu!

That's great!"

-♪ Then I want some more

♪ Kiss kicker 99
-Whoo!

-♪ Kiss kicker

-♪ Ninety-nine girls,
ninety-nine boys ♪

-[Yodeling]

-♪ Kiss kicker
-♪ Ninety-nine girls...

-Looks like she's dancing
on "Laugh-In."

-Well, then sock it to me, Mike.

-I find that veryinteresting.
-Say good night, Mike.

-No.
-Spoilsport. Geez.

♪♪

-♪ Why live for something...

-This is that Basque
separatist rock.

I've heard about this.

-♪ Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk,
ba-a-a-awk ♪

♪ Bawk, bawk, bawk

-Hey, this is one of those
movies that just is famous

for its great soundtrack.

-"Hobgoblins" is usually
on a double bill

with "The Harder They Come."
-Mm-hmm.

-Who am I kidding?
No, it isn't.

-♪ And I want it all

-Jean-Paul Sartre
and the Heartbreakers.

-What's weird is that Nanci
Griffith was the opening act.

-♪ Kiss kicker

-"Pig sticker?"
Is that what they're singing?

"Pig..." "Pig sticker."
Yeah.

-Yeah.
I'm not sure.

-♪ Kiss kicker
-"Pig licker," I think.

So a man who licks pigs or
perhaps liquor made from pigs.

-♪ Kiss kicker 99

-I would not want pig liquor.
-I don't know.

♪♪

-Wait. She's dancing and
cleaning the acoustic tiles.

♪♪

-The Concert for Herpes.

-♪ You live and you let live
or you live and let die ♪

-This is a Woody Guthrie song,
right?

-♪ Oh, I want it all

-♪ Let me tell you about
our drink specials tonight ♪

-♪ Kiss kicker 99

-♪ Kiss kicker

-♪ Don't park in the alley
or you'll get towed ♪

-♪ Ninety-nine reasons
to live ♪

-♪ Kiss kicker

-♪ While I'm up here,let me point out the restrooms ♪

-♪ Kiss kicker 99

-♪ Kiss kicker

-"Kid snickers."

-I'm not sure.
-♪ Kiss kicker

-"Iced chicken"?

-♪ Ninety-nine reasons
to live ♪

-♪ Kiss kicker

-Oh, it's "Swiss knickers."

-♪ Ninety-nine girls,
ninety-nine boys ♪

-"Lint kicker."
-No. "Fish picker."

"'Fish Picker.'
That's our one song.

Good night, everybody."
-"Fish Picker."

[Cheers and applause]

-Whoo!
-Fish picker!

-Whoo.

♪♪

-"Hi. Our special tonight
is poached go to hell."

-Can I get you guys
something to drink here?

-Maybe later.

-There's a two-drink minimum
here.

-Look, we're all underage,
okay?

-"Okay, then.
Uh, four Goofy Grapes."

-Road Rash, come here quick.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
What is it?

-None of these kids are 21 yet.

-[Sighs]
All right.

How many fake IDs we need here?

-"Oh, Jock Itch,
you're so helpful."

-This says I'm 40
and handicapped.

-So what?

You got a problem with that,
junior?

-No. I'll limp.

-[Chuckles] -Funny.
[Feedback squealing]

-And now,
-[Groans]

-...Club Scum is proud
to present a new headliner

appearing nudely and nightly,
Miss Amy Sincere.

-N-n-n-nyih!

-Paula Poundstone!
[Down-tempo music plays]

-Oh, no. Oh, no.
-Mm.

[Crowd cheering]

-Oh, my God.

-If this is your god, you have
a severe ontological crisis.

-Amy, get off the stage!

-Nyee!

-Sit down and shut up.

-Whoo!
-Yeah! Low-impact aerobics.

-"Put more clothes on!"

♪♪

-I don't know, but I think
it's sort of an improvement.

-So do I.
-[Mockingly] Yeah.

-"Yes, girls,

this is the only way to make
your boyfriends like you.

♪♪

-Great music.
-Uh-huh.

-"Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Squier!"

-Wow. You can see her armpits
and everything.

See?

[Crowd cheering, whistling]

-"When's the poetry slam start?"

♪♪

-"Um, am -- am I next?Should I -- Should I strip too?"

-You know, she also does
a great fan dance

with an electric window fan.

-[Growls]

-This is a great place to have
your kid's birthday party.

-"Take the kids
to Club Scum Playland."

-The lesser Kennedys
on the town.

♪♪

-"Yeah.
Right down to the workout gear.

Mmm."

-Whoo!

-Great. Now trying getting
it away from him.

-[Growling]

-I bet you showed her
how to do that, huh, Daphne?

-"Well, I am
a good glove thrower."

♪♪

-It's one of those cat clocks.

♪♪

-Well, what do you think,
folks?

Is she a hit or a miss?
[Cheers and applause]

-They should really add an "S"
to that.

-"Hits"?
-Yeah.

[Crowd cheering, whistling]

-Hey, you don't know
what you're doing.

Get off the stage!
Amy!

[Crowd booing]

-Wow.
They got a scumside seat.

[Crowd cheering]

-Stop interrupting the show!

-"Drink your milk
and finish your peas."

♪♪

-She's gonna take off her hair.
-[Grunts]

[Crowd cheering]

-"Mm. That ziti was
a little garlicky.

Got to tell the chef."

♪♪

-Red-hot, uncensored Jami Gertz.

-Whoo.

♪♪

-Just as long as Demi Moore
doesn't come out

and start shaking
her saline bags.

-Yeah.

-Wow.

♪♪

-"Ribbit."

-Ooh.

-I want you to treat me
like dirt.

-Like fill dirt?

-Spill your drinks on me.

-"No.
They're $4 each."

-Show everyone that I'm not
wearing any underwear.

-You mean under your underwear?

[Crowd cheering]

♪♪

-Take my under the table
and use me.

Make me...

-"Prop up the table
if it's uneven. Unh."

-...your woman.

-My bike's right outside.

-Yeah.
It's a ten-speed.

-I live
right around the corner.

You know what I mean?

-Look, she's just drunk.
-Ooh.

-She doesn't even know
what she's saying.

She's never even been
on the back of a motorcycle.

She's terrified of them.

-"She's also afraid
of light bulbs!"

-Would you guys stop
sitting there and help me?!

-Why don't you help him,
Daphne?

You seem to have a way with all the men in this place.

-They brought in David Mamet
to punch up the dialogue.

-Sergeant Parker!
What are you doing here?

-Oh, no.
-At ease, Private!

-What is this?
-I'm out on a weekend pass.

-[Groans]
I don't know.

-I hear Pixie's working
tonight.

-You go out in public
in full uniform?

-A real soldier dies
with his boots on.

-This way! This way!
[Growling]

-What's going on here?

-Just a problem involving
some small predators, sir.

-This movie's giving me current
traumatic stress disorder.

-[Sighs]
Okay. Hold on.

I've got an idea. All right.
All right. Come with me.

-Okay. I'm going.
-Come with me. You guys scram.

-All right.
-I'm gonna take care of this.

-Private,
who's in command here?

-You are, sir.
-Then I'll make the decisions.

[Machinery whirring]
We need to stage a diversion.

And I have just what you need.

-[Vocalizing]

♪♪

Okay.

Now I just hit this
tape recorder right here and...

Choo!
[Exhales sharply]

-[Flatly] Okay.
Here comes this guy.

What's he up to?

Boy, this is stupid.

I wouldn't do that, would you?

-No.

-Ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.

[Stilted laughter]
-Funny.

-Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha.

-Boy, that sure is a bad movie,
won't you?

-It sure is, you know.
-Say, fellas.

Here's a little song
about that movie "Hobgoblins."

-Are you kidding me?
-Then let's go.

-♪ Hobgoblins

♪ Hobgoblins

♪ What do you do
with those hobgoblins? ♪

♪ They're over here

♪ They're over there

♪ Those darn hobgoblins
are everywhere ♪

-Whoo.
-Yay.

[Wind whistling,
fire crackling]

-Pinky, Brain!

Take a look at this.

Something is different.

-♪ As we sing
the hobgoblin song ♪

♪ Today

-[Chuckles]

-I don't know.
Sort of flat and...lifeless.

-They're cardboard cutouts.

-Exactly.
Like they're cardboard cutouts.

-I don't know.
I think they're rockin' today.

-No, I actually --

I mean they actually are
cardboard cutouts.

-They're not that bad.
-You kidding? They're on fire.

-Listen, you idiots!

And, Pearl, you, of course, too.

It's a fake Mike and fake robotsmade of cardboard.

Look.

-Look out.
Here comes one now.

-Watch out, now,
you little doodad.

-Something's sure
going to happen.

[Creaking]

-Well, I think we all learned
a big lesson

about hobgoblins today.

[Voice distorted]
Maybe we should...

-Stupid thing.
If you could just...

-Oh, boy.

-♪ Hobgoblins

-♪ Hobgoblins

♪ What do you --
-Run! Run!

-You get back into that theater
now, son of a --

Oh, try to pull the wool
over my eyes, indeed.

Remember, I'm watching you,
my friend.

Nothing gets by me.
Nothing!

-Here's a nice fat one for you.
-Oh, thank you.

-You bet.

-Bleh! Bobo!

♪♪

-Ugh.
-Oh, well.

-It was a good thought, anyway.

-Get those, will you?
-Get out of here.

[Growling, bottles clattering]

-Ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh, no.

[Glass breaking]

♪♪

That guy tipped his own table
over.

[Growling]
-[Laughs]

-He did it again!

And yet again!
What is this?

♪♪

-[Groans]
The crowd here tonight.

-They're drinking
too much Oval-brand beer.

♪♪

-"Okay, folks.
Who wants a blender drink?

Huh?"

-Pixie...did I ever tell you
that I was a talent scout

for a major motion-picture
studio?

-Did I ever tell you

that I'm a kneer of bad actors
in the groin?

-Did I ever tell you

that I've always been attracted to men of your stature?

-Five-nine, 145 pounds.

-Oh, Pixie!

Pixie!
-Oh!

-Pixie!
-Oh!

-Oh, Pixie.
-Oh.

-Oh!
-[Laughs]

-Oh, right, Tad.
Give me a break.

♪♪

[Screeching]

-I don't know who's getting
the worst of it here.

[Chimes play]

-What the hell are you doing?!

-Here.

♪♪

-So why is she fanning him
with a beer bottle?

-Pixie!

-Geez.

-[Groans]

-Kevin! Kevin!
I got one of them.

-Good.
Let's hope it's the right one.

-Oh, Road Rash.
Do it to me.

-"Scour my neck
with your beard."

-Kevin, quick!
You've got to stop him!

-All right.

Daphne can stay, but I want you two out of here.

-"And by out of here,
I mean in here."

♪♪

-Hey, you've got to stop him.
Look!

-Oh, no.

-Oh, boy.

[Metal clatters]

-Still, you could make a case
that this is a better film

than "Road House."

-Yeah.
-Mm.

-Maybe.

♪♪

-Stand by for spit take.

Spit take away!

-Opa!

-Opa!

♪♪

-What's all that shoutin'?

[Crowd murmuring]

-This is where his bocce-ball
training comes in handy.

[Explosion, glass shattering]

-The hobgoblins are just waitingoutside till this blows over.

[Explosions, crowd shouting]

-Opa!

-Wait a second.

-"Oh, Back Sweat, I love you."

[Sighs]

[Crowd screaming]

-"Go, team, go!"

-[Laughs]

"Pepe Le Pew
came in the back door!"

-Ooh.

Eee.

[Crowd screaming]

-Wait! Stop!

Come back!
-Oh, dear.

-Ah.

-"My T-shirt was close.
I could smell it."

♪♪

-"Uh, who wants to see
my new cordless drill?

Anybody?"

[Hissing]

-"Hi.
There's a phone call for Rick.

Any of you guys Rick?
-[Screaming]

What?"

-Oh. Oh, big man.
You strangled a plush toy.

-[Breathing heavily]

[Chimes play]

-"Moments later..."

-"Oh, Toe Cheese,
what are you up to now?"

-You still think you're...
for me?

-[Breathing heavily]
Fake this!

-That's Butt Crack.
Ha ha ha.

[Glass breaking in distance]

-Hey, look!
There's Amy!

-"We've got to help her
finish stripping!"

-Oh!
-Amy!

-Oh.
-Are you okay?

-I'm not sure.

Why am I dressed
like a rock-video slut?

-It's a long story.
I'll explain later.

-"Stallone -- 'Scum' --
opens Friday."

-You there!
Name, rank, serial number.

-Don't shoot me.
I'm just an employee.

I don't even book the talent
here.

-Proof there is no life
after drama club.

-Reuben Kincaid!

-Sergeant, can't you stop him?

-Why? This is the best training he's ever had!

He could never get this
at boot camp.

-You call that training?
He could kill somebody!

-War isn't pretty.

-Daphne and Nick
are still inside.

We've got to try and help them.

-Maybe I should send Nick off
to some third-world country!

That would give you
all the time that you need.

-Let go of me!

-Maybe I should get Nick
out of the picture altogether!

Nick, this is your sergeant
speaking!

Save the troops!

That's an order!
-Nick, no! Don't do it!

-So, why hand grenades?
Are there foot grenades?

[Explosion]

-"My fajita plate was really hotand I touched it!"

-[Screaming]
-"Aah. Aah."

-"Aah."

-"It's okay.

I wore my flame suit
and jellied my skin today.

No problem."

-Whew! The smell of all that
smoldering back hair.

Whoa.
-[Laughs] Wow.

-The truck of soldiers
is waiting outside.

It'll be a dream come true.

-"You feel a hand inside you?
Uncomfortable, huh?"

-"Sure is."

-My dream can come true
right now.

-"My beautiful dream
from my childhood

of exploding
another human being."

♪♪

-I g-- I got the last of them.
-Who are these guys?

Have you seen them
in the movie yet?

-The tall guy looks familiar.
I'm not certain.

-I don't know who it is.

-Huh.
I don't know.

[Chimes play]
-"Foot odor...too strong."

[Grunts]

-"Could, uh, someone make a jokeabout my promiscuity, please?"

-Sweat Gland surveys
the carnage.

-Must have been
a rowdy crowd tonight.

[Siren wailing in distance]

-Hmm
-Hey! Hey!

-Hey, Miss Sincere.
-Uh-huh.

You know, I really liked that
show you were doing inside.

-Hey, scumball,
the show is over.

Why don't you just climb back
under your rock?

-Daphne,
I could have done that.

-[Mockingly] Enh!
-Oh. Sorry.

-Amy, I want you to know that
I'll always be there for you.

-Well, you know,

no one's ever really noticed me before like that.

I mean, I've always just been
thought of as Daphne's friend.

This is the first time somebody came up to me like that.

And I kind of liked it.
-Mm-hmm.

-Amy, I meant what I said.

I'm gonna prove it to you.

-Now, come on, Nick --
Oh, yeah. He burned to death.

Oh, well."

-Nick's a smoking husk
right now.

He won't mind
if we take his van.

[Engine starts]

-Anyone want to stop
at Carl's Jr, huh?

-Oh, why did Hoover lose?
Oh.

-Where is he?

-The angel of death.
I've been waiting so long.

♪♪

-Hey, it's a common man
with his common van!

-I don't think so.

[Engine shuts off]

-Ah, must be act three.

Things are really
moving fast now.

-Yep.

-Mr. McCreedy?

-Uh, we're out of the van now.

We can start the scene.

-Hey, there.

-And I'm like,
"Who are these people now?"

-Yeah, I don't --

-We have a score to settle.

-But first, I'm gonna
hit myself with road flares.

♪♪

Oh.

-Um, no.
I only work with rakes, okay?

-Amy, this time I'm gonna
make you proud.

-Ow.

Ow, ow, ow, owie, ow,
ow, ow, ow, my back.

Ow, ow, oh, ow, owie, owie, ow.

♪♪

-Filipino push fighting.

-I guess.

♪♪

-Amy, I think Kevin's proved
his bravery to you.

Would you tell him to stop
before he kills himself?

-For God's sake, Kevin,
stop before he kills you.

-Or after he kills you
would be fine by me.

♪♪

-Imagine getting beat up
by a guy named Kevin.

♪♪

-Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

-Now, come on,
that move really requires

the cooperation of the flipee.

-Put a grenade down his pants.
That works.

-[Grunting]

♪♪

-Amy, look, I'm a man.
Did you see?

-♪ Wah wah waaah

Oh.

-Sometimes you win.
Sometimes you lose.

-Sometimes when we touch,
the honesty's too much.

♪♪

[Gun clicks]

-No!

-Please.
[Gunshot]

-I shot you instead.
Is that okay?

-My finger's in the door!
Ow, wow.

Oh.

[Gun clatters]

-And he's assumed
into B-movie heaven.

-I'm sorry for sending you out
on your own.

I should have known
the creatures would try

to destroy you also.

-Where are they going now?

-Back to their home
in the vault.

Hurry.
There isn't much time left.

-Kevin, wait.

-What? What -- What --
What do you want?

[Muffled] Why didn't you
call me back, though?

Why did you throw me away?

-So what'd you call me back for?

-Don't take too long.

I'll be waiting.

♪♪

-Let's go!

-I think he's trying
to tell us something!

What is it, boy?

♪♪

-Damn, I thought
she was into me.

-Oh, come.

-Slutting's fun, isn't it?

Yeah.

♪♪

-[Panting]

No, no, slower,
more bandy-legged.

♪♪

-Let's go for a ride
on a Clarke-A-Matic.

♪♪

-Do you think --
-Shh!

-Quit screaming like that!

-[Growling]

-I was right about them.
They're back inside.

-And they're smoking hams.

-Oh, maybe we should get closer

and lock them
back inside again.

-No, I've spent 30 years
guarding them,

and I was fired
from my job tonight.

I won't be around here
to keep an eye on them.

-You were fired?

-Oh, no, he was the backbone
of this place.

-Well, maybe I could guard them from now on.

-Oh, no.

I don't want you to throw your
life away the way I had to.

-Destroy your life
in your own way.

-There is a better way.

-Oh.
-Did you find them?

-Yeah, they're back
inside the vault.

-What are you gonna do to them?

-I don't know.

-Kevin, did I ever tell you
what I did in the war?

-No.
-Shot off my toe and got out.

-Munitions.

[Beeping]

[Explosion]

-It was supposed to unlock
the van door.

-Whoops.

-I just blew up the studio
accountant for no reason.

[Chuckles]

-Isn't it ironic

that they should
pick a movie studio to land?

-You think?
-Unless they figured they --

they belonged
in a dream factory.

-Come away from
the weird security guard.

-You were my hero tonight.

-You got some spinach
stuck in your teeth.

-What?

Are you sure?

-Yeah, I'm sure.

-She's made her decision,

and they're going ahead
with the sex.

-Yay.

-Daphne?
-Yeah.

-Well, this is for you.

-I-I blotted up some
grape juice for you.

-Really?

No one's ever
given me flowers before.

-Oh, but there's lots of things

I could show you
for the first time.

Nick?

-Nick.

-Nick!
-Daph!

-Baby!
-[Groaning]

-Told you guys I had
everything under control.

-Sorry.

-Well...

-Daphne?

-Nicky?

-Van!
-Van!

-So the result of
his complete immolation

is just minor redness
and irritation?

-Yeah.

-I'm gonna call the Sears and
Roebuck and get some dry goods.

[Rotary telephone dialing]

-Hello, Mr. Comstock.

Yes, I-I realize
what time it is.

-Yo.
-I'm sorry to wake you, sir,

but there's been an accident
at the studio.

-We made hobgoblins.

-The film vault blew up.

Yes, it -- the building
is still smoldering.

-Mm-hmm.

-Oh, yes, I realize
about the insurance,

but you fired me earlier.

-Uh-huh.
-There was no one on duty...

-Of course not.
-...when it happened.

-Guys, I'll be right back.

-Oh, okay. Wow.
-[Humming]

-Excuse me, sir.

Could I use your phone?

-You know, Mike, one thing
I learned from this movie

is that Daphne is a slut

and Amy wasn't fun
until she became a slut.

-Oh, that's the fun
message of today.

-Oh, Mike?
A little help here.

-What's he up to?
-Yeah, what do you need?

-Come over here.
Rick Sloane's out here.

And he needs a little help.

-Rick Sloane?

-Yeah, Rick Sloane,
the director.

-He's here right -- right now?

-Yeah, the director
of today's movie, Rick Sloane,

wanted to explain
a few things about his film.

Hello?
Am I speaking English here?

Is it me?
-Geez, okay.

It just -- just seems
a little weird is all,

Rick Sloane actually being here.

-Well, he is.
-Oh. Oh, I see. Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, Rick Sloane
is lighter than you'd thing.

-Oh.
Oh, is he, Mike?

Well, I guess I had
no preconceived notions

about Rick Sloane's weight.

I guess I'm not a racist
like you are, Mike.

-Hey.
-Boy.

-So, Rick Sloane, director
of "Hobgoblins," how are you?

-Crow!
-What?

-Perhaps you could be
of some assistance

in helping Mr. Rick Sloane

explain some of the things
about the film?

-Well, hey, he seems nice, but
I've never met the guy before.

-Would you just do
the voice, Crow?

-Oh, right, right, right.

-So, Mr. Rick Sloane.

-[Deep voice]
Hello, and how are you?

-Good, good.

Say, why don't you explain to
the good folks exactly what --

-Good. May I just say
how nice it is to meet you all.

My accommodations
are just lovely,

and everyone's been so nice.

Rarely have I been treated --

-Can we just please talk
about your film?

-Certainly, certainly.
My film, yes.

-Yes, yes, okay, when you
came up with the idea

for "Hobgoblins,"
were you high on crack?

Say yes.
-Yes, yes.

I had been doing quite a bit
of crack that day, as I recall.

-Yes, yes.
Good, good.

That helps me understand,
if just a bit.

Now, another question
I'm sure everyone

who has seen the movie
"Hobgoblins" has on their list,

and forgive me if I don't phrasethis in just the right way.

Are you, in fact, a total idiot?

Say yes.
-Yes, yes, I am an idiot.

That is correct.

How penetratingly intelligent
of you to notice.

-You know, Servo,
I couldn't help but notice --

-Stay out of it, Nelson.
-Okay, right.

-Now, director of this film,
Mr. Rick Sloane,

another question that
I've been asked to put to you

by the legions who've enjoyed
your film "Hobgoblins" --

Did someone open up your skull

and carefully replace
your brains with rat droppings?

Say yes.
-Yeah, I'm on it.

Yes, yes, once again,
your insight is quite correct.

I was home one night

right before the filming
of my hit film "Hobgoblins"

when I received
an unsolicited call

suggesting I try their service

wherein they replace my brains
with rat droppings.

It was a good deal,
so I said yes.

-Ah, good, good.
Another mystery solved.

Well, thank you for your time.

-Actually, Servo, I think you
have time for another question.

-Oh, really?

Uh, oh, gee,
I wasn't really prepared.

Um, well, Rick,
how are you, then?

-As I stated before, I'm good.
Thank you.

-Ah. Good.
So, Rick Sloane, good.

Do you have any hobbies at all?

-Nope.

-Really?
No -- No hobbies?

-None.
-Oh.

-Okay, you're off the hook.
We got to get out of here.

-Thank you.

-Bye, Rick.

♪♪

♪♪

-[Chuckles] Good work, Servo.
Nice job.

-Hey, clown.
-Hey, there, Mike.

You know how we really
didn't care

for that stupid movie today?
-Yeah.

-Well, by using
our time machine,

I went back to the early '80s,

and I took care of our
little Rick Sloane problem,

if you know what I mean.

-What? Servo, you don't --
you don't mean you --

-Yeah.
I sure did, Mike.

I hunted down Rick Sloane,

and I kicked him, Mike,
right in his shin!

I'm sorry, friend.
It's gruesome, I know.

But I had to take matters
into my own hands.

-Well, I thought, you know,
you'd gone back

and terminated him, you know?

-What do you mean, terminate?
Terminate?

What, are you -- are you nuts?

I hate guns!
I hate them!

How could you ever
get that idea? Man.

-I don't know.
-Well, anyway, by going back

and giving our Mr. Sloane
a firm, swift blow to the shin,

I have changed
the course of events,

and "Hobgoblins" is no more.

-[Normal voice] Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, you guys.

I'm doing my biography
of Rick Sloane here,

doing my research,
and listen to this.

Rick Sloane says the inspirationfor his film "Hobgoblins"

is like a stout red automaton
kicking him in the shins.

-Stout? Stout? He says stout?
That bastard.

I'm going back to kill him.
-No, no.

You know, I got to put a child
lock on our time machine.

-Good idea.

-Mike, Servo, Art,

I took away the couch
and brought it back down here.

-Whee!
-You are all old enough

to be taking some responsibilityfor some of our things.

Couches do not grow on trees.
-Whee!

-Hey, can I have some of
your Welch's grape juice?

-Sure, if I can have
some of that seal coat.

-You bet.

-There was a nice settee I was
thinking of sending up there.

There was a particular
office chair

I know you would have
enjoyed, Crow,

but I don't know that
I can ever trust you

with any home furnishings
ever again.

Bobo, Brain Guy,
who wants candy?

-Oh, I do!
-I do! I do!

-Me!
-Oh!

-I don't mean to yell.

[Explosions]

I just really want everyone
to stay off the couch.

-[Groans]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Growling]

♪♪