Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 10, Episode 11 - Devil Fish - full transcript

-♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ Somewhere
in time and space ♪

♪ Mike Nelson
and his robot pals ♪

♪ Are caught
in an endless chase ♪

♪ Pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl ♪

♪ An evil gal who wants
to rule the world ♪

♪ She threw a few things
in her purse ♪

♪ And in her rocket ship,
she hunts him ♪

♪ All across the universe

-I'll get you!

♪ I'll send him
cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst I can find

♪ La, la, la

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And I'll monitor his mind

-♪ La, la, la

-♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪

-♪ La, la, la

-♪ He'll try to keep
his sanity ♪

♪ With the help
of his robot friends ♪

-Robot roll call.

Cambot!
-You're on.

-Gypsy!
-Oh, my stars!

-Tom Servo!
-Check me out.

-Crow!
-I'm different!

-♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts
-♪ La la la

-♪ Just repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show" ♪

♪ "I should really just relax"

For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000."

♪♪

-Hi, everyone.

Welcome to
The Satellite of Love.

My name is Mike Nelson...
or it used to be.

You see, until recently,
I was just like you.

I believed that everything
that was taught me was right,

and everything was as it seemed,

and then one day,I found myself pursued by agents

of a secret government project
who basically wiped out

every shred of evidence
that I ever existed.

They took everything --
my identity, my life.

Now I'm on the run, never
knowing when I'll be caught

or where my enemies
will turn up,

but they should know...
I will do anything

to get back what is mine.

-Hey, Mike! Mike!
-Yeah?

-We found your wallet.
It was in your room.

-Oh. [Chuckles]

-Yeah, everything about
your identity is there.

You can relax.
-Ugh! I guess I didn't have to

do very much at all
to get back what's mine.

-Nope.
-You weren't telling them about

the secret government
conspiracy, were you?

-Well, my wallet was missing.

-Folks, listen --
Pay no attention to this guy.

Everything is exactly
as it seems.

-We'll be right back.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

How do I know
this wallet is mine?

-It is. Look -- same picture
of Mark Spitz, even.

-Oh, good.
-It's sad, really.

♪♪

-Whew. Got to say, it's good
to have the ol' identity ba--

Aah!
-What?! What?!

-What?! Mike!
-They took my identity!

Everything I ever -- Oh, wait.
It's right here. Sorry.

-Oh. Ms. Forrester is calling.

-And you want to hang onto
an identity like that, huh?

Sheesh.

-Aloha! Welcome aboard!

Welcome!
-Aloha!

-Bobo. Bobo, I think the idea

is to distribute them
one by one,

and then let the guests
handle it from there.

-[Laughs] I get it.
How silly of me.

-Hello! Aloha!

-Idiot!
Let me show you to your cabin.

-Bon voyage! Arrivederci
-Ow! Ow!

-Son of Nel, listen.

Our phone number accidentally
got printed in an ad

for a cruise-ship deal.

Bobo took 2,500 reservations
before he told me,

but the money's so sweet,
I decided to keep it.

Then we left port
before they could get on.

[Chuckles]

Well, except for those
two early nerds.

But [chuckles]
we left 2,498 suckers ashore!

[Chuckles]

[All chuckling nervously]

But you live
in a castle, so...?

[All continue
chuckling nervously]

-Shut up. Okay, we got to give
them the whole QE2 deal,

so we need ice sculptures
for the buffet table.

Hey. Hey, Clorox-face.
Send him the raw materials.

-Aye, aye, sir!

-Shut up, and just do it.
-Right.

[Warbling]

Boy.

[Pop!]

-Ugh.
-Wa-huh?

-Huh.

Huh.

-Anna and I would like to see
the upper deck now.

-Oh, sure, but --

Oh, the seas
are too rough right now!

Whoa! Feel that?

-Oh! Too rough
to feed you, even.

-But still, uh,
smell that salt air.

-Ow.
-I'm getting sick, Norm.

-Mrs. Dash air, actually.

-Hey, lawgiver, it's not too
rough to feed me, is it?

I mean, it's not
too rough to -- Yeow!

-Okay, let's see what you got.

-Well, now, I made a sort of
environmental sculpture

with my ice,
setting it in a surrounding

of gin and tonic,

aesthetically pleasing
and very, very refreshing.

[Chuckles]

-I, uh -- I tried
to weld mine, and, uh...

-Yeah, you did.
-Yeah.

-I don't know.

-Well, I give you,
Michelangelo's "David."

-Wow, Crow,
bigger than the original

and out of four ice cubes?

-Ah, I'm just efficient,
I guess.

-Man.
-Yeah, I could've, uh --

could've done that,
I guess, but I --

I was, uh,
trying to weld mine, and...

-Right, Mike,
you made that clear.

-And now it's time
for your on-deck movie

to be held below decks today

because of the aforementioned
rough seas.

[All shouting]

-It's called "Devil Fish,"

and it features
many nautical themes

and many Italians pretending
to be Floridians.

-[Crying]
-Mike and Bots, also enjoy.

Brain Pan, send it.
-Yeah.

[Warbling]

-He just needs
a little off the calf.

-No, stop it!
Good gravy, man!

Don't you ever learn?
-Sorry.

[Buzzer]
Oh, we got movie sign!

-Sorry.
-It's okay.

-Hey, Bebe Rebozo's home movies.

-I told her, you know, and I
told her, loudly and clearly.

-Yes, dear. Yes, dear.

-Them doing it, dear.
Yes, dear.

-Who was it that said,
"I never met a kid I liked."

W.C. Fields, I think.

Well, that's the way
I feel about it...

-Yes, dear.
-...when they're on my boat.

-Oh, I mean our boat.

-"2000 Flushes: The Movie."

♪♪

-Something vague
this way comes.

-Cole, are you listening to me?
-Yeah, Molly, I'm listening.

-Mostly, I'm eating.

♪♪

-You know what she had
the nerve to say?

You know what she said?

-What she said, after this.
-Ow!

-Oh, Cole, did you
cut yourself?

-Oh, relax.
I mean, it's just a scratch.

-And you could get infected!
I'll go get the iodine.

-Ooh.
-It's Gertrude Stein.

♪♪

-[Imitating music]

-Well, I can eat the boat
and spit them out, I suppose.

♪♪

-We now return
to "The Cut Finger Story."

♪♪

-Man, it's farther up
than I thought.

This is taking forever!

♪♪

[Both screaming]
-Aah! Save the Metamucil!

-Film crew is really having fun
throwing stuff at her.

-[Chuckles]

-Cole! Cole!
-Caw! Caw!

-I guess he didn't like
the pork tartare.

-Cole?

-Mrs. Kilroy was here.
-Darling?

-Let me clear the table off
for you, ma'am! Thanks.

-Our special tonight
is devil fish

with satanic string beans
and deep lucifered potatoes.

-[Screaming]

-This fish has a lot of nerve!

♪♪

-Ooh.

-Yeah, we got dolphins
in the basement.

-No. Wrong.
Do it again.

-♪ This is the dawning
of the age of Seaquarium ♪

[Dolphins squeaking]

-Peter Frampton!

♪♪

-What?

Man, the Staten Island ferry
is way off course.

-[Imitating music]

-No, don't put me in there!
There's sharks in there!

Oh, wait.

-[Imitating music]

-Hey, temp workers!
-D'oh.

-I am pleased at things.

-No, no, I'm not going
to fall for that.

-No, really, I am getting
divorced, toots!

-I love you.

♪♪

-Hey, fish, now!
-Hey, you haven't thanked me.

Come here, Donald! Come on.

-Hey, don't call me Donald.My name is [imitates squeaking]!

-Aww.
-Shush up.

-Now, how would you rate
that fish?

-You've had enough.
-Ugh!

What did you put in that fish?!
[Imitates choking]

-You're a fatty!

-Now that concludes
our tour inside.

Outside, the outdoor pool,
where the dolphins are together

with researcher Stella Dickens,
their trainer.

This way.

-Isn't that something?
-It can move.

-What do you do, exactly?

-I study their behavior here
in captivity

and also
in their natural habitat,

and right now, Dr. Bob Hogan,

my associate, is at sea
conducting an experiment.

-Dr. Bob Hogan is alsoexperimenting with film credits.

♪♪

-"Devil Fish," the story
of Aleister Crappie.

-Oof.
-Hey, look, they spelled

his name sideways!

-It's a man wearing
a London phone booth!

-Ooh, turtle.

-So, Mike, turtles excrete wax,
and you humans put it in cans

and just rub it
all over your cars?

Good. That's good.
Just keep doing that.

-It's not exactly how it goes.

♪♪

-Say, uh, whose fish is this?

Somebody lose this fish?

♪♪

-Man, feeding
the whole ocean is hard!

♪♪

-♪ Don't say
things you're gonna ♪

-"General organizer" --

Just put some things over there
and over there.

♪♪

-They're going to airlift us
out of the movie!

Here we are!
-Right here!

-Here we are!
-Here!

-Hey!

-Pff, pff!

-Eh, doesn't see us.

-1421, here. 1421.

We're over the area.There's no sign of anything yet.

-Well, there are things,
of course.

I engage in hyperbole
to make a point, however.

-Ah, what a great job.

I'm glad I wussed out
of Vietnam.

-Man, what
a crummy boat design.

-Okay, 1421, here.

-Yeah.
-We spotted him!

We will attempt reco!

♪♪

♪ Devil fish in love

♪ Devil fish in looove

♪♪

-Donald?

Well, how do you do, sir?

-Yeah, yeah, banter,
banter, banter. Fish!

-Nice to know you.

Very good.

There you go.

-When dumb guys snorkel.

-Ready, man?
-All right!

-Go!
-Aah!

-Oh, great Coast Guard.

-It's going to be cold!

[Laughter]

-Geez.

-Hmm?

-Get the harness out!

-Get the hardness out?
-That's what I heard.

♪♪

-Hang on, ol' chum.
Ha, I kid the dead guy.

♪♪

-Oh, wow.

-What the hell?
-Getting dizzy.

-Oh, isn't this
an orange juice?

Oh, darn.

-The director's vision --
lots of shots of things.

-Stand by to hoist!

♪♪

-♪ Too much time on my hands

-Uh, is this guy
that important?

Why don't they just leave him?
-Ooh.

-Early parasailing.

-Give Sal a big hug.
Come on!

Up! Up! Up! Up! Up!

-You know, just because you can
edit doesn't mean you should.

-I tried to unclog my lawnmower
with my feet.

-Ooh.

♪♪

-Come on, beer,
get in my mouth. Come on!

[Warbling]

-[Imitating warbling]

-I have located
a Gary Wright song!

[Warbling continues]

-Goodness, that's
my special line.

A beer is in trouble somewhere!

-Ah, transport me, Marc Cohn.

-Oh, I feel like I actually
amwalking in Memphis!

-Huh, I didn't know humans
could survive without flesh.

-Donald! Minnie!

What's wrong?

-[Imitating engine]

-Donald!

What is it?

-I bet they have beautiful
hardwood under that carpeting.

-Minnie, stop!

Stop it!
What's wrong?

♪♪

-It's coming right at the post!

-Huh?
-My God!

-They hanged Bobo!

-Come on, legs! Evolve!

-What are you doing?
-What's happened?

-Minnie! Doug!

-Clarence! Paul! Raph! Luigi!

-[Screaming]

-Nah, she's too gristly,

too much bone to eat.

-Say, we're about to have
one of our dolphin orgies,

if you're...

-Ah!
-Aw, they pantsed me.

[Warbling continues]

-His hair is getting all
tangled in the reel-to-reel.

-He's listening to "Awaken
the Beer Drinker Within."

-I did my own
splenectomy and saved!

-Well, Doc, what's the story?

-"Runaway Bunny."

-At first sight,
I'd say it was a shark,

and a big one, at that,
but not necessarily.

-Hmm.
-Look.

-Whoa!
One thing is not bit off!

-The bite is clean
like a shark's,

but the teeth marks puzzle me,

and so does the size
of the bite.

For me, it could've been caused
by something else,

other than a shark, that is.
-I did it.

-I could have
the body photographed.

-Wouldn't hurt.
-Take care of it, Cortez.

And get some shots
for our records, too.

-Duh, okay.
-Okay, Sheriff.

-Let's hope you're wrong.
-Well, I usually am, so...

-I just don't understandwhat happened to those dolphins.

-They took my conditioner!

-They've never behaved
this way before.

-Be quiet a second, Stella.

-Hey, they almost
killed me, Bob!

Are you listening to me?

-I'd say something
extraordinary happened

to both of us, then.

I made a recording.
Tell me what you think.

Whatever it was,
it almost made me capsize.

-Gulp, gulp, gulp,
gulp, gulp. Ahh!

[Imitates can opening]
Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp,

gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp.

Ahh.
[Imitates can opening]

Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp,gulp, gulp, gulp. Ahh. [Belches]

-What's the matter?

-I'm sure I recorded it.

-Recorded what?

-That sound,
that strange sound.

-Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp.

-I've never heard
anything like it.

-Ahh.
-It was almost like a voice.

-A voice?
-Did I say voice?

I meant doorknob.
-No, not exactly a voice.

It was more of a terrifying
sound...full of hate.

-Hate?
-Yeah. Yeah.

That's it, hate.

-Oh, Bob Dornan.
-When did you hear it?

-At about 10:00.

Wait, I'll check my notes.

-Yes, here it is. "10:00,
heard voice filled with hate."

-I picked it up at 10:18,
and it lasted for 3 minutes.

-Like my last 12 pack.
-That's exactly the time

the dolphins
started going in circles.

Don't you think
there's a connection there?

-Why didn't I get it on tape?
-Because you were drunk?

-Maybe it was too high
or too low a frequency.

-Kenneth.

-Then you know
what I'm thinking?

That Peter is the only one
who can help us.

-Yeah, Peter Allen.

-Peter?
-Allen.

-Man, "Abyss 2"
isn't very good.

♪ Why not,
why shouldn't I let my ♪

-Is that Fab or Rob?

♪ Assured, I may like it,
but I'm not another babe ♪

-Ugh, you colored girls
who have considered suicide

when the rainbow is enough.

♪♪

-You call this working?
-What?!

-I said,
do you call this working?!

-I can't hear you!
-I'm listening to Shonen Knife!

-Now you can hear me.
-You think?

-Well, how about that monitor
that needed fixing?

-I checked all the circuits,

and they're all screwed up,
impossible to fix.

-The only thing that's
screwed up is your head.

-[Imitating mockingly]

-What the...?
-What is that?

-The only thing screwed up,
honey lamb, is your head.

-Hello?
-Hmm?

-That's because
you're a genius.

-Look, took me five years
to make this place go.

Try not to destroy it
in the next 10 days.

-When are you leaving?
-Right now, Sandra,

and if there's
anything else you need --

-Oh, why don't you
take me with you?

-Because you dress
like Robin Williams.

-Because somebody has to watch
the store

because there's about
three gorgeous ladies

waiting for me in New York.

-The Del Rubio Sisters.
-Heads up, Sandra.

-Mm.
-Ribbit.

♪♪

-Of course I am American
and not Italian!

I drive a truck!

♪♪

-Think I'll put up the sail.

-Hi, Peter!
-Hi, stick.

-Hi, Stella.
-I need your help.

-Oh, no, I'm going on vacation.

I've got a couple of seconds
to spare.

-A genius doesn't
need any more.

-What's this?

-I'm thinking of become
Daryl Hannah.

-It's a list of the equipment
that Bob and I'll need.

-You got to be kidding me.

-I'd have to go
to America for -- Oh, wait.

-I'm going away. This stuff's
all got to be build to specs.

-Please?
-I'm skinny.

-It's very important.

Who else can I turn to?

-Eh, it'll take at least a day!

-Yeah, and you can do it
in a few hours, hmm?

-Hmm?
-I'll see you later.

-Hmm.

-Enjoy the sights
of my breasts!

-Sure!
Oh.

-Who is that,
and how do we know each other?

-"Tiny Medical Center,"
starring Tiny Chad Everett.

-Hey, that's Rip Torn in drag.

-Welcome to the World of WOI!

[Bubbling]

-Yes, here at WOI,
we do this kind of thing.

[Beeping]

[All imitating jungle music]
-[Imitates chimp hooting]

-Got to finish this bomb
for Pakistan by Saturday.

-Somebody swiped the microwave!

-I am perfecting the fizzy.

Yes.

-I love you, Davis.

-[Robotically] Hi, honey.
I'm here.

-Who else would it have been?

-Not Larry Storch,
I don't think.

-But you should be more careful.-Why?

-Someone might intercept
the message.

-Mm, it's not likely, though.

My husband is only interested
in winning a Nobel,

and the others are much too busyto worry about us.

-Where have you been?

-On the Challenger, we took
some samples of plankton.

The sea was marvelous.

-I heard they fished another
dead body from the ocean.

-Got it on a Mepps.

-Well, I bet they'll come
around bothering us again.

They still don't understand
that we at the WOI deal

with genetics, not fish.

-That and other things.
-Mm!

-Here, let me
activate your culture.

-Oh, Doc.
-Hi, I'm here to enter data.

-Oh, Dyan Cannon
is watching us.

-That's --
-Uh, what's her name, I --

-Beautiful.
That does it.

-Hmm?
-[Mocks tone]

-Then we connect it
to the pulse generator

to check the phase.
-[Yawns]

-Weird.
-Will you stop yawning?

You're putting me to sleep.
-Look, you won't be able

to finish it
before tomorrow morning anyway.

-I have to.
I'm not giving up my vacation.

-Stella gets to you,
doesn't she?

-Yes, she's a very
attractive radio.

-That's exactly right.

-Hmm?

-Ah, the heavily sexed world
of appliance repair.

-Ahh.
-Grr!

-Maybe you can read somethingin these shots that I can't see.

-No, it's just you nude
at the forest preserve.

-Ew!
-What do you think?

You know more about sharks
than I do.

-Well, he needs new pants.

-Good God.

I've never seen anything
quite like this.

-Me, neither.
-You?

-Mind if I keep them
and study them a while?

-[Imitating "Jaws" theme]

-Okay, doctor.
If you come up with anything,

get in touch
as soon as possible.

I want to be ahead of the game

before I point a finger
at anybody.

-[Imitating music]

-Oh, I suppose I'll accept
a little bit of sex from you.

Go ahead.

-Slip, bra, teddy, bra, panty,
peignoir, slip, bra...

[Doorbell ringing]
-Ugh.

Well, that's it, Mike,
as close as I'll ever come.

♪♪

-It's my daily
Victoria's Secret delivery.

[Doorbell continues]

-Does she live
in a department store?

♪♪

-Just a minute, I'm sexy!

-Hey, Harley.

-What are you up to, Miller?
What are you doing here?

[All imitating porn music]
-I told your boss

he can't afford to fool around
like this. His time was up.

-He don't feel that way.

-You know, dolphins are
really smart, aren't they?

-Oh, yeah, totally,
smart as you please.

-Oh, yeah, the way they jump
for things and click

and buzz to kind of talk

and flip over and, um...swim.

There's that, and, uh,
eat fish.

-Yeah.
-Other things, I guess.

-You know, dolphins are really
dumb, aren't they?

-Hell, I don't know anymore.

-Well, what's with dolphins,
anyway, you guys?

Are they smart,
or are they dumb?

-Uh, well, let's find out.

You know, I have Sea World
on my speed dial.

Let's just call them and see.

[Dialing, line rings]

-It's a great day at Sea World!
How may I direct your call?

-Hi, uh, Blowie
the dolphin, please.

-I'll connect you.
-Blowie?

-Yeah, there's always a Blowie.
-[Dolphin squeaking]

-Hi, uh, Blowie?
Mike Nelson, here.

Yeah, uh, see, we have a rather
delicate question for you.

-So, are you guys just stupid,
or what's going on, anyway?

-[Dolphin squeaking]

-Yeah, I mean,
if you're so smart,

how come you don't speak
English or play the drums!

-[Dolphin squeaking]

-Yeah.
[Imitating dolphin squeaking]

That's your answer
to everything, pal.

Well listen up, Flipper.
-Uh, Blowie.

-Yeah, Blowie, whatever,
hey, uh, you know,

everyone thinks
you're Einstein or something.

We think you're just
an evolutionary cul-de-sac.

You couldn't swim your way
out of a hot tub.

What do you think
of them sardines?

-[Dolphin squeaking]

-Whoa!
-Ooh!

-Hey, tell it to Bob, pal.

Or better yet,
why don't you talk to me?

Come on up here.

Let your flippers do the talkingbecause I am standing here, man.

I'm waiting for you!
-[Dolphin squeaking]

-Come on! Bring it on!

[Rumble]
-Whoa!

-Alarm!
A dolphin warship

has just decloaked
off the port bow!

Uh, Cambot, give me
rocket number nine.

-Its propulsion and weapons
system are advanced

far beyond our understanding!

-Oh, boy.
-Whoa!

-Aah!

-[Dolphin squeaking]

-Hello, Blowie? Uh, we're sorry
about everything.

Yeah, we, uh --
we didn't understand,

so, again -- Sorry. Sorry.

-We take it all back!
-Sorry about that!

-Bye.
[All sigh]

-You know, dolphins
are really smart.

-They sure are.
-Yeah, really smart,

but, uh, touchy.
-Yeah.

-We'll be right back.

Man, say the slightest thing.

-Ah, there, it's fixed.

-Hey!
-Stop in the name of Europe!

-What the hell are you doing?

-It's a militant group
of tube-amp lovers.

♪♪

-Kick! Punch!
It's all in the mind.

-Eh, he's enjoying the bold
adventurous life

of a TV repairman.

♪♪

-Aah!
-Ah, you bastard, Lou Reed!

-Let's go.
-Stay, I'll put coffee on!

-Peter?

Peter!
-Peter!

-I'm over here.

-♪ Over here, over here

-Oh, my God, Peter!
-Is your Europeanness okay?

-What happened?
-They smashed the converter.

You work all night, and they
come and smash it to bits.

-Do you think
you could identify them?

-No.

-They were only interested
in the damn converter,

smashed it to bits.

-Hey, it's Mr. Food,
the fishing guy.

-Whoops!

♪♪

-Sounds like they're in search

of the mysterious underwater
Yanni caves.

♪♪

-He's getting paid 10 large
to whack a grouper.

♪♪

-Heh, I just ate Harvey Mackay.

♪♪

-You know, you shoot scuba
diving in slow motion,

you could actually
go back in time.

♪♪

-Wow.

-A human!
We've got to clear the oceans.

-Oh, no, there's that shark
that asked me out.

-Shark!

Help!

Give me a hand!

-It's going away!
-My rash, it's going away!

-It's going away now.
It's going away.

♪♪

-I'm made of ground chuck
and lava.

-Slow day, huh?

-What the hell?

♪♪

-Let's get out of here.
-Yeah.

-No!

-Florinda was one of my
associates, one of the best.

-Um, associates,
as I mentioned.

-Her death will be
a serious loss to us.

-Boy, could she type
and light file.

-I must say, she wasn't feeling
any too well, lately.

-Hmm, uh, do you think
it was an accident, or...

-Hmm?

-...could she have
committed suicide?

Huh?

-I think that's up
to you to decide.

-Yeah, right on.

-Well, we did accident
yesterday.

That was kind of boring.

-I think I'll decide on murder.
-What the hell.

-Do you know if she
had any enemies?

-No, absolutely not.

-When was the last time
you saw her?

-Yesterday in the morning
when she left the lab.

-And so none of you knew
that she was going on a trip.

She had just
packed her bags when --

-Sheriff, here at the WOI,

we don't poke into
people's private affairs.

All that we know about Florinda

is that she was
an excellent researcher.

-Well, what specific research
did Florinda do?

-Hmm?
-Ah, she was working

on the properties
of ribonucleic acid.

That's a substance
necessary to life.

-Like cigarettes,
fire, and thumbs.

-Come on, Buck.
Let's see what you can do.

-Well, this is about it.

I hate to disappoint you.
-Hey, slow down.

Come back here.
Where are you going?

♪♪

-[Imitates gasp]

-Fluffy, bad dog.

-[Gasping]

[Siren wailing]

-Welcome to
Downtown Shackville.

♪♪

-Hey, Rob Reiner!

-Hurry up.
Our shift is almost over.

-Uh, this guy just fell
asleep, sir.

[Siren wailing]

-It's hard to believe, Sheriff.

-Cortez?
-Yes, sir.

-I want a cast made
of that wound.

Go on.
-Yes, sir.

-Good thing Yoko is there.
-Oh, God.

-[Gasping]

-I can't believe
I directed "North."

-I can't believe I got sentto the principal's office again.

-Well, doc?

-We're saving him,
but he's still in shock.

Any chance for interrogating?
-Doctor, hurry.

-Hardly.
-What's wrong?

-Another crisis.

-The nurse needs
making out with.

-Easy. Easy. The sedative.
-Yes, here it is.

-[Gasping]

-Here you go.
This will make your coat shiny.

-That should do it.
Stay with him.

-Yes, doctor.

-Can I come in please?

-We might get some information

from the cast taken
of his friend's arm.

-I examined the body carefully,
and I can say without a doubt

they were both attacked bythe same animal, the same shark.

-Another dark-shaded,
mobbed-up doctor.

-There it is.

I think it's good we took it
out of him.

-Morning, doctor.

-My God!
What the hell is that?

-Whatever it is, I wouldn't
want to rub it the wrong way.

-Well, I would.

-I'm not an expert...
-But this is pointy.

-...but these don't look like

the teeth marks
of a shark to me.

-Well, what else do you think
it might be, then?

-I'll answer that as soon
as we cut back to our scene.

It shouldn't be long.
-Try it now.

I get nothing, nothing.
-No respect!

-What do you mean nothing?
Did you put the fuse in?

-Of course I inserted
the damn fuse.

What do you take me for?
-No comment.

-He threw a little
Euro-tantrum.

-They've been going on
like that all morning.

-Two geniuses should
never work together.

-But these two guys
will be fine.

-Sandra. Sandra!
-Whoops. Yes, master.

-Don't be a wise [no audio]

and go see what's wrong
with the monitor.

-Yeah.

-Don't be a wise --

-I want to come up here
and pout a little bit.

Is that okay
if I pout a little?

-Think it'll work?

-What? Are you kidding?

-I like the color of your eyes.
-The rest of you is hideous.

Bye.

-Okay, genius,
we're getting a signal here.

-Finally.

I'm going below. Stay tuned.
-Right.

-[Italian accent]
Boy, am I from Florida.

-Isn't that one guy's
eye color gross?

-When will he be ready?
-Oh, just a couple more hours.

-I'm going back to Italy. Bye.

♪♪

-Eh, kiss my ink sack.

-[Vocalizing "Sailor's
Hornpipe"] Crap.

-I'm sorry about your vacation.

-Really?
-Oh, no.

He suspects my insincerity
about his vacation.

-So far, I like
these scenes the best.

♪♪

-I was going to say how sorry
I was about your cat dying,

but forget it.

♪♪

-Oh, I forgot to lick the beer
off the can.

[Warbling]

-What's that?
-Kraftwerk.

-I'm not sure.

Hang on a second.

Wait.
-Hold on. Wait. Pause.

-Okay, we got it.

-A shark?
-You think it's him?

-I don't know.
Might be. It's moving fast.

Almost 30 knots.

Judging from the sound
of its echo,

displaces a tremendous
amount of water for a fish.

-Did you read anything else?

-I don't know.
It must have dived too deep.

-Pity.
-Yeah, to say the least.

-Maybe it wasn't him.

Hey, Bob, save us a beer,
too, huh.

-I was framed, I tell you.
-You want a beer?

Then find that fish.
-That's Euro funny.

♪♪

-Well, how do these fit?

-You did a good job.
-Buy yourself something ugly.

-Need anything else?
-Just keep an eye on him.

I'll let you know when
we need something else.

-Oh.

-Man, Jet Skis
are getting huge.

-I was only 19 when I met Bob.
-That's when I was skinny.

-He was with the English
Oceanic Institute

before coming to Florida.

I liked working
with him immediately.

-Cello -- 12 fathoms.

-Okay, it's him!

Peter!

-Wow!
-Oh, incoming.

♪♪

[Warbling]

-I hung one out for fun.
[Chuckles]

-I think it's that thing
that comes out

of the Wizard of Id's cauldron.

-Oh, yeah.

[Garbling]

-It's his sound.
It's him!

-What do I think?

-Come on, baby.

Come on up.

-[Imitates static]
♪ Slow ride

-Well, we got 3 hours
before it gets here.

Want to play Risk?

-Let's see if he records.

-♪ I dream of genie

-You bloody, rotten,
filthy sob, let me hear you!

-Well, I'm glub I guess.

-It's bearing one, two, zero,

coming up at us two points
off the starboard bow.

-How big is it?
-I don't know yet.

-You think it will record?

-Well, let's hope so.

-Although we are having
tentacledifficulties.

-These will filter out
all the interference.

Once I lock onto his frequency,
it will be computerized.

Then, we'll be able to -- God!

-What's the matter?
-Hard to tell.

I think it's frequency
is so high,

it screwed up the recorder,

but whatever it is,
it isn't kidding.

It's coming right at us.

-It's headed this way.

-Davey Johnstone.

-What do you think? Duh.

-How many feet away, Peter?

-100 approximately...

75...50...

-See anything, Stella?

-No, I've got nothing
on the surface.

-It's not possible!
Keep looking.

-25 feet,
and it's picking up speed.

10 feet, 8 feet.
It's not a shark.

-How would you know,
electrician?

-I'll bet it's not a shark.

-You are such an electrician.

[Dolphins squeaking]

-Dolphins win the Super Bowl!
Yay!

-20 feet now...15.

He's -- It's turning.

Damn it. It's going away.

It turned.

It's diving.

It's going down.

-Can you still follow him?

-I didn't know he was
an electrician. Mm.

-Now I'm losing him.

-He's gone.
-Thanks a lot, electrician.

[Tape rewinding]

-Good morning, Mr. European.

[Garbling]

-Oh, I know that sound.

It's an oil drum being dragged
across a garage floor.

-The sound of William
Conrad's heart...

-Well, what do you guys want?

I got beer, beer, and --
Oh, hey, look.

There's a beer.
-Here, you deserve it.

-Sorry about that electrician
crack earlier.

My father's village was attackedby electricians.

-I've never heard anything
quite like that.

-Right.
It might be the sound

of a marine specimen
we don't know about,

and it sure scares the hell
out of all the other fish.

-[Belches]
-Is that recording good enough

to identify the thing?

-Maybe, but we don't have the
proper equipment, right, boss?

-Yeah, only that pig, West,
has it at the WOI.

-Pig?

-The only thing he lacks is
a little humanity.

-So, I think our viking's
all wired up.

-"Oh, my legs got bit off."
Be quiet, you baby.

-Will he make it, doc?

-We can only begin to hope
once he gets out of this coma.

I can only tell you we're
doing everything possible.

-Sorry, we had to put him
in this closet.

-[Gasps]
-Ooh, Charlie horse.

-How does kissing him help?

-Hang on. I've got to stamp
a new price on him.

-Intel steady at 35.

Nurse, 4 milligrams
of adrenaline, quick.

-Come on.

-His broadcast day is over.

-Doctor, the adrenaline.

-I'll squirt it
in the general area.

-Well, at least
he seems stabilized now.

-Oh, I see now.

I had it set on "kill patient."

-I'm sorry, Sheriff.

-You can't borrow
my smoked glasses.

-He's dead.

His heart just gave out.

-Well, I gave it out, actually.
-Yeah, that was fear.

Fear stopped his heart.

-You'd be scared, too,
if I was your doctor.

-Behind the scenes
at "MTV Unplugged"...

-Need a copy made, audience?

-Ah, the scene is starting.
Pass it on.

-Scene is starting.
Pass it on.

-We feel sure that whatever
is making that noise

hasn't been classified as yet.

-A fascinating thought.

-I hope we can count
on your collaboration.

Your equipment is much more
up-to-date than ours.

-We can feed the data
to our computers

and see what they come up with.
-[Imitating "Jaws" theme]

-There shouldn't be any problem.

-Of course not.

We're delighted to assist anyone
who truly loves the sea

and its creatures the way we do.

-Aren't we?

-Besides,
the possible discovery

of a hitherto
unknown marine species

would be of historical
importance to all of us.

-Cookies are ready.

-You'll have to leave usthe recorded sounds, I'm afraid.

-How much time do you
think you'll need?

-However long it takes.

-Hey, did you see that?
That guy just bench pressed me.

♪♪

-Beery guy's theme.

♪♪

-Okay, what is it now?

10, 10, 10, 10, 3, 2, 1, 10...

-Hello,
Paleontological Institute.

I'd like to speak
to Mrs. Bates, please.

Janet Bates.

-Meanwhile, in
the world today...

[Beeping]

-Joan Baez fan, hello.

-Hello.
-Hello, sweetheart.

-Oh, Bob.
-Let me finish.

-How nice to her
your voice, again.

Are you still
entertaining dolphins?

-I'm calling for something
very important.

Catch the first plane
and come down.

-Explain why.
What's up?

-Well, as yet,
I'm not too sure.

Bring all your notes
on protosharks.

-You're kidding.

-I may be on to something
really incredible.

♪♪

-[Yawns]

I'm just so tired.

-Approximately 320 years ago,

new forms of fish developed,
fish with teeth,

and among them
was the Dinichthys,

a deadly predatorthat measured over 20 feet long.

-[Clears throat]
-[Coughing]

-The Kronosaurus descended
from this species

and thrived
in the Jurassic period.

Slide, please.
-♪ Ahhh

-This is the Tylosaurus,
another awesome predator.

It appeared at the beginning
of the Cretaceous Period

about 120 million years ago.

-All: Boring!
-We consider the true ancestor

of the shark as we know it todaywas the pseudogavious vulta,

and it appeared at the end
of the Cretaceous Era

60 million years ago.

-Thanks, Kotter's wife.
-Now, then, I studied

this cast very carefully,

and I fed the results
of my examination

into the computer,
then applied my knowledge...

-Did she just got here
last night?

-Duh...wha?

-Now, the comparative results
are not absolutely definitive,

but I think I can safely say...

-[Imitates music]
-...that the creature found

in your part of the ocean
is a living fossil.

-And that was the day
I met Dick Meeker.

-Aw.
-Aw. That's nice.

-You guys, we got a call
from this weird lady --

real mean but kind of stupid,
a lot of dishwater blond hair.

-Oh, Mrs. Forrester.
-That's who it was.

-Yeah.
-Anyway, she's going to be

sending an electrician up here
to do so some stuff.

-Thanks, Gyps.
-Okay.

-Hey, hey, an electrician.
-So?

-Come on. Everybody knows
about electricians.

-Mike, just because the movie
vaguely implies

that some electricians
may be lacking in something...

-Are you Mike?

I'm going to be installing
some grounded outlets

along the baseboard
back there, so...

-Oh, okay.Great, we need those, so thanks.

I appreciate it.
-Oh, Mike.

-Yeah. So, anyway,
you should be able

to run your dehumidifier
off, as well.

-Oh, great. You know what?
I just want to warn you,

you've got a little spot
right there on your shirt.

-Oh, boy.
-Yeah, okay.

-Oh, Mike.
-It's embarrassing.

-Oh, wait.
Look at this you guys.

You see, I know
how to use the phone

because I'm an electrician.

[Speaking mockingly]

[Zap, rumble]
-Whoa!

-Mike, dolphin warbird
uncloaking at the port bow.

-Oh. Oh, Cambot,
give me rocket number nine.

[Zapping]

What in blazes is going on?

-I tell you,
after this movie came out,

we electricians started
having a lot of trouble.

[Rumbling]

So, we've formed a mutual
defense pact with the dolphins.

-Are they going to kill us?

Unless your mouthy friend
here apologizes, yeah, sure.

-Mike!
-Well, I'm sorry.

-Apologizes nicely.
-Okay. Okay. I'm very sorry.

I apologize to all electricians.

I realize now that electricians
provide a valuable service

and possess a level
of technical knowledge

far beyond anything
I could ever grasp.

God bless electricians.

-Great, I'll be getting back
to work there.

-Okay. Hi, I'm sorry.
[Buzzer]

-Hey, idiot, we got movie sign.

-Which we could never have
without electricians.

-Oh, shut up.

-Door knob.
-Geez.

-Feel kind of bad about it.

Hey, what's a guy got to do

to get an Oreo Cookie Blizzard
around here?

-Miller.
-You want an olive?

-No, I only
want you to get lost.

We made a deal.
I gave you the key to the shop

only so you could take
the converter, and that's all.

-Are you mad because we roughed
up your boyfriend?

-Idiot.

-There was a time when you were
a lot sweeter.

-Yeah, well,
I prefer not to think about it.

It's over.
You got it?

All over.

-You're going to do exactly
what I tell you to do.

Understand?

-You are hurting me.
-No, I'm reminding you

that you'll be receiving
further instructions.

-The towel boy is a real jerk.
-Boy, he was so mean to me.

I think I'll go
over there and [muttering].

♪♪

-[Imitating music]

-I must call Steve McGarrett.

♪♪

-Hello, I would like to speak
to Sheriff Gordon.

I'll wait.
-No, you won't.

-My mom might call.

-Personal trainer
to Paul Reubens.

-You could have
put grandma's ashes

in a more dignified container.

-Fishing for deep-sea clowns.

-[Imitating motor puttering]

-They're deploying
sea dreidels.

-Yeah, I'm sick
of these things.

They're just cluttering up
the deck and all.

-Does a rabbit come out
of the thing, does something...

Okay, there.
Good enough.

-Mom will love this birthday
gift I made for her.

-Ah, Captain Pantyhose...

-What's that for?

-Well, basically, we drop these
in various places

to cover
the area of surveillance.

Each one has
a sensitive hydrophone

and a satellite transmitter,

and they're connected
to a receiver in the computer.

And if our friend comes
in the area, we'll pick him up.

-Oh.

-The 16th is a water hole

surrounded by water
on all sides.

-I'm going to put some
potpourri in the crow's nest.

-You're shooting in 100ccs?
-Mm-hmm.

-You think that's enough?
-I hope so.

The dose will put
a whale to sleep.

-Oh, that Allen Funt
turns up everywhere.

-You're going to see
a dolphin robbing a 7-Eleven.

-Oh, good.
-You made muffins.

-It's directional,
but to be sure we pick him up,

I think it's best that we have
the camera mounted at the bow.

-Then that's where
we'll have it.

The beer is over there
in that box.

-Wouldn't it be great
if you were devil fishing

and they had beer,
really watery, American beer?

-Up the shark's ass.
-You know, after this beer,

we should have a beer sometime.

-I thought only dolphins
emitted sound.

-Well, dolphins have
a language,

but all fish emit sounds
and rather complex ones.

[Warbling]

-Ooh, right --
our mission and stuff.

-Hey, we got visitors
bearing down at 235 degrees.

-That's 6 degrees
off the port beer, I mean bow.

-Hey, we're winning
the Whitbread Cup.

-What is it?
-It's The Challenger.

-West is spying on us.

-Think he could be after
our friend, too?

-Oh, I wouldn't
put it past him.

He's very ambitious.
[Beeping]

He'd sit on his mother's head ifhe had something to gain by it.

-Hot image, Bob.

-Peter, I'm not getting
a signal

from buoy number four anymore.
-Okay, hang on.

-Sounds like a new
Thomas Dolby song.

[Garbling]

-Hmm, a little rich
on the bass there.

-Why couldn't I have
been Wendell Corey?

-Let's see now.
Here is the church.

Here is the steeple.

Oh, damn, I've got to practice.

-I wonder if I can
order cocktails online.

-Let's just see what
the Calista Flockhart website

has to say about the shark.

-Sea Killer:
Information classified.

Access denied.

-Well, thanks
a lot Stephen Hawking.

♪♪

-♪ Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon ♪

♪♪

-Enjoy the soft-core-porn
soundtrack.

♪♪

-Ben, Ben!

♪♪

-Man, if he stops short,
she'll have quite a trajectory.

♪♪

-Part of her job
description is prow.

♪♪

-Well, let's head over
to Pogo's place.

♪♪

-Wow, they caught
a giant eyeball.

-It looks like
it's been sabotaged.

-But we haven't seen any boats
for the past hour.

-You better take off your suit
and flag down some help.

-Yeah, except The Challenger.

-We still have four, at least.

-No, it doesn't work that way.

In order to cover the field,

we've got to have
all five functioning.

Now, let's get back to the boat.

-They're having mambo lessons
on the lido deck.

-Didn't she star in "The
Nightmare Before Christmas"?

-What's the matter?

-Felt like something's caught
in the prop.

-That's a prop?
I thought it was a real motor.

-Yeah, that's all we need.

-Ah, the giant ocean shar-pei.

♪♪

[Warbling]

-Janet!
-I've got the Amiga working.

-This may be it.

-You're getting
the same picture.

-I like you.

-Well, look at that guy there
grabbing at his own Evinrude.

Oh, wait.

-See the human lady.

-Are you having an issue?
-Wow. Wow.

-You didn't even try
to give me a hand.

You've been loafing.
-That's because it's so hot.

-Yeah, not here.

Come on in.
-Yuck, he's trying to be sexy.

-Ugh.

-You know, she displaces
no water at all.

♪♪

-This scene omitted
for content.

♪♪

-The devil fish insistedthat it be shot through a filter

to make him look younger.

♪♪

-I really think it's him.

It's heading for us.

-He's made out
of poached salmon.

♪♪

-Where are Peter and Stella?

-They're off being scrawny.

-I can't see
their boat from here.

It's strange, though,
that they --

-[Gasps] The devil fish is
on the roof.

-That's him.

-Yes.

♪♪

-Is he bringing them a piano?

-What's happening?
-It changed direction.

No, it's leaving.
Come back!

-I'm a recovering alcoholic.
I can't eat that guy.

-Come on, baby.

Come back, baby.

Blake Edwards' "0.10."

-Can anyone tell me
if I have a butt yet?

No, huh?

-[Imitating music]

♪♪

-Minor boat inconveniences
splayed across the screen.

-Look at that.

He's just hanging his Evinrude
right out there, and...

-No, Mike.
-Again, it doesn't work.

-Sorry.
-Does it?

-He's gone.
-Yeah, he must be around here.

He couldn't have gone far.

-Why not?
-Because I have his car keys.

-I don't know.

I just sense that these are
his native waters.

[Warbling]

What did I tell you?

He's coming back for me.

[Laughter]

-Now, it's "10" as rewritten
by Terrence McNally.

-Look, he's built
like a GI Joe.

He even has shoulder sockets,
so you can pose him.

♪♪

-[Slo-mo] I love you.

-Uh, what?
You want to -- Oh, okay.

Just don't expect me to help.

-So, there's a huge, giant
couple making out behind them.

-Yeah.
-They're cloning.

♪♪

-Hey, the other us is
getting ahead of us.

[All imitating music]

-Ow. Ow! You just laid me
on a puffer fish!

-As seen on TV...

-They've simply played
the "Jaws" theme backwards.

[Warbling]

-The telecamera.
Look at the monitor!

-It's "The Blue Show"
starring Blue.

-Well?
-I don't see anything.

-He's getting near!

He's almost off the bow,
15 degrees to port.

-Hi, Blue here.
My first guest is Teal.

-Bob, there's something
on the screen.

-It's flying toasters.

-See it?
-Yes.

It might be him, but the pictureisn't very clear.

-Hang on.
I'll get a little closer.

-Look. Look!

-Sandra Bullock
and Charles Haid look on.

-Oh, my God.

Bob, it's coming right at us.

-Mere coincidence,
I assure you.

-Look at that.

I can't believe it.

Look at those tentacles.

A shark with tentacles...

-Plus the great
taste of chicken.

[Creature roaring]

-Coffee's done.
-It's right underneath us.

-I know!

-Is this guy dubbed
by J. Peterman?

-Where are you going?
What are you going to do?

-I know!
-Try and put him to sleep.

-I'm going to read him
something from Joan Didion.

-It's like shooting fish...
not in a barrel.

-Slowly, I acted, step by step.

-Hey, you got a beer for me?

-Bob, look out!

-I know!

-Behind you! Look out!
[Creature roars]

-That's so big,
it's an eleventacle.

-That's your second one.
-Sorry.

-Every time I meet a guy,
he's married, gay,

or getting killed
by a giant octopus.

-Mmm, human sushi.
I love this stuff.

-Bob!-Say goodbye to the beer for me!

-Are those Easy Spirit pumps?

-[Screaming]

-She never got to wear a hip-
bone revealing bathing suit.

-Oh, darn it.

-This is why I got ridof my monstrously large octopus.

-Yeah, I think that was wise.

-Man, she's strong.

-Well, she works out at a gym
where she hangs

5,000-pound fish off her torso.

[Laughter]

-Ow, please, no.

That's my dominant tentacle.

-Oh, not that one.
I use it to open lobster cages.

-He's never faced
a mediocre woman

with a small hand axe before.

-Bob?
-Ray?

-You know, that door's
not even red,

and I want to paint it black.

I don't know
what's wrong with me.

-It's okay.

-I feel European
upon seeing that.

-Well, you better take off
your suit and wipe that up.

-Once again, there's noodles
in Bob's throw up.

-I know of no other course
but to start making out again.

-Bob?
-I hate the way you say Bob!

-[Crying]

-Hey!
-It's all right!

Janet, it's all right.
It's all right. It's us.

-I thought you were
the octopus in disguise!

-Bob's boat was attacked here.
-We'll be coming in now.

-Whole dang thing just sits
in that area.

He must like it.

-The perv!

-How they doing, Cortez?
-They haven't spotted it yet.

-Yeah, that's what
I was afraid of.

-They want to come in.

-Tell them to sit tight
until further notice.

-Yo.

[Creature roaring]

-Fantastic!

-Your hair,
it smells fantastic.

-Ogen really hit the jackpot
this time.

Shame he's dead.

-My files show it's not
a shame, sir.

-The computer analysis says
that it's 40 feet long.

-Lucky bastard.

-Its jaws can open up
6 feet wide,

and its underwater speed
is more than 30 knots.

-Are those Don Knotts
or...?

-That's a real torpedo.

-So, that's all the info, right?
-That's all.

-Don't you understand
that this data alone

is enough for us to claim
a major scientific discovery?

-All I want to know is,
how do you catch it?

-From deep-mouth kissing.
-I might have an idea.

-Oh?
-Oh?

-Doesn't all animal life

respond to the calls
of its own kind?

-You seem to forget we're
dealing with one-of-a-kind.

It's amazing it survived at all.

-Well, do my good looks help
in any way?

-I've recorded its voice
and can reproduce it

with only slight modulations,
close enough to make it think

that the sounds are one
of its own species.

-Then it'll come mate
with our boat!

-Eh, I don't think it'll work.

-I'd like to try it.

-Man, what
an electrician lover.

-Yeah, a million years
of solitude is a long time.

I bet he's just dying
to bully someone.

-You know what I think?
You're being ridiculous.

[Beeping]
-Davis, take a look.

Here are the first findings
on a lab analysis

we ran on the animal's tentacle.

-Oh, hey, it's
a hoochie-coochie fish!

-It has a primordial biological
structure, extremely resistant.

Average age of cells...

-Eight months.
-Oh, my God.

Is that possible, 8 months?

The cells of this creature
have a life of...only 8 months?

-I'm going to kick your ass.
-I don't believe it.

-You mean that that monster
is nothing but a pup?

♪♪

-[Imitating music]

-Should we have tied
this stuff down?

I mean, it is explosive.
-Nah.

-Over here.

♪♪

-Orson Welles' toilet float.

♪♪

-We want a nice, clean job.

They have to be stopped
at all costs.

-Ew!
-Okay.

-Got it?
-Stopped at all costs.

-Use your face if necessary.
-Hey, Sheriff!

They killed that girl,
Sandra Hayes.

She worked for Peter.

-You know where
they murdered her?

-Harrison Bay.
-I'm winded.

I ran all the way from GNC.

-I had considered quitting.
I was getting bored.

Now, there are people getting
killed like flies right --

right in front of my nose.
-Oh.

-Sheriff, I think there's a
connection between these deaths

and the monster's appearance.

-Go stuff your face
with steroids!

-You've got a good future,
Fernando.

Don't foul it up.

-Yeah.
Where you going?

-Harrison Bay.

-It won't take us long
to attach it,

but when you red light
come on, turn it off.

-You ready, Peter?
-Okay.

-We're going to do
underwater cheerleading.

Whoo-hoo!

-Uh, thanks,
right on top of me!

-You know, I hope they stay
underwater a long time

and don't do anything
but swim around,

and we get to see
every second of it.

-Mm, yeah.

♪♪

-Let's tip it just
to scare her.

♪♪

-Oh, look.
She's power-pouting.

♪♪

-Bob filled the pool with Zima.

♪♪

-Man, two years of braces,
and this is the result.

-My bikini is frightened!

♪♪

-Oh, I shouldn't have eaten
European food!

♪♪

-This boat is made
out of concrete.

Look at that.

-I wonder if it's powered
by his face.

♪♪

♪ Yeah, diving now,
oh, yeah ♪

♪ Chasing the devil fish,
oh, yeah ♪

♪ Scared lady now,
oh, yeah ♪

-Mm-hmm.

-Permission for ugly face
to board.

-I'm here for the orangutan
look-alike contest.

-An inflated
Kris Kristofferson.

♪♪

-Look at all those bubbles.
They are really farting!

-Oh, man.

♪♪

-Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl.

-And now the news.

And now the news, again.

And now some more news.

And that's the news.

♪♪

-Man, what an aggressive
steak-knife salesman.

♪♪

-[Imitating music]

-Why is she wearing
a giant tube of Easy Cheese?

-I don't --

-[Grunting]

-Glasses from the
Brett Somers collection.

♪♪

-If I can just hold him off
until the knife rusts...

♪♪

-I could throw a perch at him.

♪♪

-Damn, it's rustproof!

However, if we fight
much longer,

the knife will become
encrusted with barnacles

and be rendered ineffective.

♪♪

-Ooh, right in the
fabric-softener packet.

-Uh, should I call 911?

♪♪

-I'm devil fish for Polident.

-He's got a Coast Guard guy
stuck in is molars.

♪♪

-Underwater fights are like
the drum solos of movies.

-Yeah.

-Hey, you!
-Say I look like Micky Dolenz.

-Turn around!
Turn, I said!

-I want to sign your birthday
card before I give it to you.

-I had to cut the powerto your mask while I work on it.

-Who am I?

-Please, don't let me die
before I know who I am.

-At least its poor editing
covers how badly it was shot.

-Yeah, it's a movie
that constantly reassures you,

"You don't need to
concern yourself with this."

-Oh, I got to get out
of this wet suit

and get into my wet jeans
and wet sweatshirt.

-Keep still!
-An Almodóvar film.

-Hey, Scooter, buddy! Whoo!

♪♪

-Oh, boy!
-My face! It's not waterproof!

Oh!

-The devil fish is
always there.

Does he have a police
scanner or something?

♪♪

-Peter!

-Action back fat.

♪♪

-[Imitates gasping]
-[Screaming]

-Devil fish got out
of the live well.

♪♪

-Aah! Aah!

-I just got to hug you kids!
It's so good to see you!

-Aah! Aah!

-A shame to be
killed by calamari.

♪♪

-Okay, that's quite enough
male heinie shots for me.

♪♪

-Still a better edited movie
than "Batman & Robin."

-Yep.

-The ocean's on spin cycle.

-What, did the director
think this guy was hot?

-Well, it's a nice butt, Mike.

-Eh, maybe you're right.

-Did someone just bowl?

♪♪

-You know, Ed Wood's
octopus scene

was a lot more
convincing than this.

-Yep.

-Hey, could you go headfirst?

I don't have that wide
a jaw span.

♪♪

-Ugh. I have a cramp.

I ate a full meal
55 minutes ago.

-You can do it. Come on.

-Janet!

Janet!

-Oh, sorry, I forgot,
I'm nasty.

Ms. Jackson!

-Oh.
-Stella!

-Oh no, she's --

Ohh, she's fat. Ew.

♪♪

-Careful, she might not be dead
and start flopping around.

♪♪

-Now, is this really
an appropriate place

for this soft-core-porn music?

♪♪

-Ivan Lendl and Richard Marx.

-What's going on?

-♪ What's going on?

♪ I say yeaaaah

-Huh? What's that Cambot?
What?

Look at ourselves
in the monitor, boy?

Okay.

Why, we all look
vaguely Italian!

-What do you know?
-Vaguely.

-Better one or...better two?

-Hmm.

-Yeah, vaguely Italian,
Mike, but it's not good enough.

See, our guests were enjoying
"Devil Fish,"

but then having you guys
pop in periodically and do

whatever it is you do up there,
well, it kind of confused them.

So, I'm trying this special
image and sound filter

on the projector
to make you guys

look all Italian-y,
like the actors in the movie.

-It'll ease the transition
for them

and make you less noticeable,
which is good.

-And you won't feel a thing.

Uh, okay, go a level up.

-Okay, um...there.
-Yeah.

-[Italian accent] Pearl,
what do you do this for?

-[Italian accent]
I don't know, Mikey.

I kind of like the look!

-[Italian accent] I can't wait
to go to the beach

and wear a tiny G-string
and a gold chain.

-You're turning us
into broad stereotypes.

-I know. I know.

I'm sorry, but these adjustmentsare very delicate.

-Here. Here.
Let me try it.

-No. Get your hand --
No, look out. Too much!

-Let me try it!
-Oh, no! Aah!

-Hey, gondola ride for you
and the lady, SignoreMonkey?

-Oh, why you breaking
your mama's heart?

Mangia! Mangia!

-Hey, Pearl, turn it off!

You make us
such broad caricatures!

♪ 'O sole mio

-Uh, we got a commercial sign.

-Eat, Anthony!

Anthony!

-I did not like that.

-Let's see if I can get
Aldo Nova in better, here.

-Hey, amoeba porn.

-That's impossible.

-Oh, that was great.
Was it good for me, too?

-This changes everything.

-Yeah. Alright.

Cortez, there's an urgent
phone call for the sheriff.

Dr. West, something important
about the monster.

-Get him on the car phone.

-Ew, my skin is really dry.

-Yeah, Gordon speaking.

-Sheriff, I've just discovered
something terrifying.

-Carol Channing nude.

-Our monster
can reproduce itself.

-What? The monster
can reproduce itself?

You've got
to be kidding!

-I've never been more serious
in my life, Sheriff.

Every cell of that creature
is capable

of reproducing
similar creatures.

I have here before me cells
we've taken from the tentacle.

They're reproducing
at an incredible rate!

It's a fantastic spectacle!

-Doctor, are you telling me,
if the monster is wounded,

the shreds of flesh
can reproduce?

-No.
-Uh, exactly.

-So, the Coast Guard
just rolled over

for the Italian
film industry?

-...the charge goes off,
we could find ourselves...

-What?
-I can't hear now, later.

-What?
-Huh!

-Our boats radioed in
that it'll take hours

to collect those buoys.
We don't have enough time.

How are we gonna do it?

-Take me down
to the buoy area.

I won a free-fire gold medal at
the police academy in Sarasota.

I'm a little bit rusty,
but here goes.

-Yeah, pretty much peaked
in Sarasota.

-Try and stabilize
20 yards above that buoy.

-Okay!

-So, the Coast Guard
is off filming this,

and drug runners
are cruising right through.

-There are seven more!

-I've got to find them!

Take me around!

-I love creating
buddy lists.

-Sea killer information
classified.

Access denied.

-Oh, playing coy, eh?
I like that.

-This is West.

-Access denied.

-Okay, then, this is East.

-Who has access?

-Not authorized
to respond.

-Alright.
Let's try another approach.

-I'll slip into
a negligee, and...

-Are you able
to accept info

useful to
the sea killer project?

-"Sea kiwwa."

[Imitates Elmer Fudd laughing]

-Yes, yes, yes, yes.

-We've got to take out
these Hoppity Hops.

-Very good, sir.
You win a plush toy.

-There's one missing, Sheriff!
-Hey, look!

What's that shadow
under us?

-It's Louie Anderson.

-That's him!

-C'est moi.
C'est moi!

-There he is.
He's heading for the buoy!

Start going in!

-You know,
they appeared in this.

I bet the Coast Guard
would appear

in my brother's
wedding video.

-Oh, yeah.
-Mm-hmm.

-Mr. Gold Medal. Come on!

-Not my balloon!

-Project: sea killer.

Classification: top secret.

Animal has been programmed
to control designated area.

Prototype B1
completed January '84.

Data from first test:
January '84.

Test suspended:
August '84.

-Okay.
-...proto --tip --
tip --tip --type.

-Man, I just wanted
to play "FreeCell."

-Project originator,
Dr. Davis, Davis, Davis.

-Davis Davis Davis?

Unoriginal parents.

-Ow!

-I will seek my revenge,

but first, I'm gonna snag me
a Charleston Chew.

-Yeah, I'm gonna go
to the stacks,

and leaf through
old "LIFE" magazines.

-Hold it!
-You have overdue books.

-I see you finally discovered
the truth, Dr. West.

-Let's say my suspicions
are now confirmed.

However, I'd like to know
why you persisted

in spite of
my opposition.

-Because our future
is in the sea.

Anyone who has the chance
to tap the tremendous reserves

of the sea
will have the future, Doctor.

-In his hands?
-Exactly.

-Yeah, thanks for
helping me out, there.

-But why create
such a monster?

-What better way to protect
an exploitable area

than a marine monster
almost indestructible,

and whose
genetic characteristics

are as fearsome
as the white shark's?

A gigantic octopus with
the intelligence of a dolphin,

and as monstrous as
a prehistoric creature.

-You're mad.
-No, Walter.

You're the one
who's mad.

-Sonja, please.

-Well, you don't understand
our magnificent creation,

and what it will mean
to the company.

The WOI has only
one objective -- profits.

Don't forget that.

-Look, from a woman who has
the sensitivity of a slut

to the point of giving her loverthe identical watch

she gave her husband
for an anniversary present,

I will not
accept lessons.

-I'm sorry.
It's a very nice watch.

-That monster has already
caused the deaths

of a number
of innocent people,

and I doubt it will ever become
a means of profit to anybody.

It won't succeed.

-It'll be easier
than you think.

And you won't be able
to stop us!

-So nah!

-In 12 hours, that creature's
cellular structure

will begin to disintegrate.
-Hmm.

-And the seas will be populated
by identical creatures

that will continue to reproduce
themselves indefinitely

until the oceans
the world over

will be totally dominated
by them!

-No, you're envious.

The truth is, you've become
too old, West --

too old for science
and too old for your wife.

-Don't move, Davis!

-Oh!

-Predried, immediately
spread blood.

-Oh, Davis!

-Well, he did say,
"Don't move."

-You'll never stop him.

You'll never be able to...

-Oh, man.Even in death, he won't shut up.

-You won't ever be able
to destroy my creature.

-Oh, please.
Francisco Franco died quicker.

-Oh.
-Can this marriage be saved?

-It's not my fault!
-Cortez.

-Yeah.
-It was his idea!

No!
-Okay, lady.

-No, it's not my fault!

-It ain't mine, either,
so let's get out of here.

-How long had you been
standing there, Sheriff?

-I got here
just in time to hear

who the maniac was
behind all this.

-It's Richard Jewell.

-We have one possibility,
Sheriff.

-Oh, really.
What's that?

-Fire.
-Da, da, da!

-Those cells can be destroyed
by fire.

-How are we going to burn
a monster

hiding at the bottom
of the sea?

-Lure it to the surface.

-To the surface?
-Well, of course.

Peter can do it
with the tape recorder.

We've tried it,
and it worked.

-Okay. It's worth a try.

-Remember, there's very littletime, perhaps less than 8 hours.

-So let's get our fastest boat
on the project.

♪♪

-Isn't anybody here
gonna bribe me?

♪♪

-Come on. I need
to contact Europe.

♪♪

-Mike, how come you don't have
huge rubber pants?

-Who says I don't?

-Oof.
-Ow!
-Ow!

♪♪

-Watch it!

-[Singing]
Get your flamethrowers out.

Grab a sticky
of Juicy Fruit.

♪♪

-Attention,
free Devil Fish food!

-Farrah Fawcett minor.

-Okay, see anything yet,
Stella?

What's on the screen?

-Negative.
-What do you mean, "negative"?

-Alright.
Keep calling him.

-The ox-fish incident.

-Sheriff Gordon here.
You read me?

-Negative.
-What is it, Sheriff?

-We're getting ready to give it
a nice little reception.

Get it to surface here in the
canal, and we'll snare it.

-Yeah.
-Sure, whatever.

-Morning.
-How's it going?

-My men have taken up
their positions.

-Make sure everything
is checked out.

I don't want any goof-ups
when the time comes.

-Goofus?

-Free coupons
to the Devil Fish world.

♪♪

-Ew, gingivitis. Ugh.

-Tartar.

-That's him. Okay.

-No. Wait.
That's his brother.

They --
They look a lot alike.

-We're coming in, Sheriff.
-Finally.

You're around a mile and a half
from here.

-Okay. We'll stop,
and I'll board the tender.

Tell the chopper pilot
to be on the ready, Sheriff.

We're leading him in.

-I'll be on the chopper myself,
Peter.

Over and out.

-If I don't come back,
adopt a single currency,

eat snails,
and don't shave your armpits.

-Ready?
Turn off your tape call.

-Okay.
-Now.

-I'm just going to turn
everything off.

That's easier.

-Hey, Grits Gresham.

Anyway...

-The ship's
having shiplets.

-Okay, Peter.
It's behind you.

-Do you think the Coast Guard

would be in my niece's
high-school play?

-Sure.
-Put them in it.

-Nice going, Peter.
Right on course.

Ahead of you,
you'll see the inlet.

-I'm Peter, and ahead of me,
I see the inlet.

♪♪

-As seen on TV.

-What is that?
-Be careful, Peter.

It's getting too close.

Go faster!

-No, I won't be careful,
and I'll go slower.

-Yeah.

-Follow me for free Devil Fish
marshmallow treats.

-It's Don Evinrude
as Sonny Crockett.

Oh, I did it again.

-Yeah.
-Just not firing.

-I'm coming in.
Cortez's men, be on the ready.

-And I'll have crew
on standby.

They're going to light
surface fire, so go on in.

-Deploy the Country Time
Pink Lemonade!

-I bet they hired
every nature-hating psycho

in Dade County.

-What a fun, festive way
to have a fish boil.

-Yeah.

-Peter, the thing is
on top of you!

-Not unlike
you and I earlier.

-Oh, psh.

That's his answer
to everything.

-As seen on TV.

-Ah, I'm in the mood
for a little Italian.

-Peter!

-I have a tummyache.

-Ooh.

-Peter, we're lowering
a harness.

-It's real sexy.
We want you to try it on.

-Hoist! Hoist!

-Cheek ski, whoo!

-Well, this is Florida.

Maybe some fresh Cubans
will do.

-Whoa, did I see...

-Uh, yep, yep, yep.
We have [indistinct].

-Woo-hoo!

-It's Harpo! Look.

-Yep, I should empty
these pants soon.

-Well, we only got
a few hours left.

-I wanted to feel your embrace
before we die.

-Squad number one,
do you read me?

-Squad number one, Sheriff.
Ain't seen nothing yet.

-Buh-- buh-- buh--
baby, we ain't seen n-- n--

nothing yet, over.

-Report in,
squad number two.

Squad number two,
come in, please.

-Hmm?

-Squad number two.

-[Vocalizes]

-A few crackers
for an appetizer!

-Chomp!

-Squad number two.
Squad number two!

-We done been ate. Over.

-Squad number two,
come in, please.

-Well, they'll be
number two soon enough.

-Come on.
Let's go.

-Oh, God!

-Squad number two
doesn't answer.

Get on, quick.

-Barry Switzer
crosses the Delaware.

-This is how I
like to fish, Mike --

a flashlight
and a flamethrower.

-You know, I don't need
Neil Young around anyhow.

-Oh, boy.

-My heart will go on.

-[Singing] Southern man
gonna eat your he-ea-ead.

-A lot of guys named "Bo"
were killed that day.

-Yep.

-So, I guess we find out
what the South

is gonna do again...
-Huh?

-...get eaten by
a huge fish.

-Yeah.

-Give me your hand.
Give me your hand!

-No, just the hand.

-It's okay.
It's okay!

-The gas!
Pour out the gas!

-All squads,
empty out containers!

-Well, this should take care
of every living thing

in the Everglades.

-Yep.

-Flamethrowers, ignite!

-Here,
try my cigar lighter.

-Okay, now throw in
the diced onions, and celery,

and chopped
porcini mushrooms.

-Does the Coast Guard have
a lot of use for flamethrowers?

-And the cry of "Opa"
rings out!

-Alright, men.

See if he's done.
Try flaking him with a fork.

-The sheriff's official report
simply read, "Ick."

-[Sniffs] Ew.

-Someone threw a match
on the Cuyahoga River.

-[Vocalizes]

-Ah!
It's starting over!

-No!
-No!

-What is that.
There's nothing there?

-Well, you should start
seeing motorcycles, Mike.

-Very nice, you guys.
-Thank you.

-I'm finally getting
my vacation.

-Where are we going?
-Ah.

To the mountains.

-We are from Europe!

[Mocking laughter]

[Mocking laughter continues]

[Mocking laughter continues]

[Mocking laughter continues]

[Mocking laughter continues]

[Mocking laughter continues]

[Mocking laughter continues]

[Mocking laughter continues]

[Mocking laughter continues]

-Okay.

Oh, that's -- That's...

That's good, you guys.

-Well, anyway, Mike,

I think WOI was on the righttrack attempting to rise profits

by combining a shark
and an octopus.

I just think it may have been
the wrong combination.

I mean, what about combining
a poodle and a fly?

No, no, no, quite yet.

Uh, what about a snail
and a parrot?

No. Closer, but not there.

Um, what about you, Servo?
What would you combine?

-Who, me?
I think I'll combine a lick

and a me, and ship it
right over to you.

-What?
-Hey, now, come on.

-What the heck
does he care anyway?

-Well, I just think that was
completely uncalled for.

-Ridiculous.
What does anybody care?

-No, I'm just trying
to figure out the movie.

-Hey, Nelson Lose-dela.

We almost got
these bass-ackwards

chicken-fried idiots into
thinking this is a cruise ship.

Now, we just have to get throughthe captain's dinner.

What could possibly
go wrong?

-As captain
of this castle -- Ow.

Oh, and by "castle,"
I mean "ship,"

I'd like to welcome you
to my table.

Waiter, if you'd serve
the crab, please.

-Your scallops in herbed
butter, crushed and toasted,

and served with
tiny blue marshmallows, madame.

-Uh, captain, when will we
be allowed up on deck?

Captain?

-Captain.
-Ow. Quit hitting me.

-Well, answer the nice...

-That's it!

-Isaac,
tranquilizer gun!

[Gun fires]

Will there be
anything else?

-Uh, no. We're good.

-Enjoy.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Bob, it's right
underneath us.

-I know!