Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 10, Episode 8 - The Touch of Satan - full transcript

♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ Somewhere in time and space

♪ Mike Nelson
and his robot pals ♪

♪ Are caught
in an endless chase ♪

♪ Pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl ♪

♪ An evil gal

♪ Who wants to rule the world

♪ She threw a few things
in her purse ♪

♪ And in her rocket ship,
she hunts him ♪

♪ All across the universe

-I'll get you!

♪ I'll send him
cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst I can find

♪ La-la-la

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And I'll monitor his mind

♪ La-la-la

♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪

♪ La-la-la

♪ He'll try to keep his sanity

♪ With the help of
his robot friends ♪

-Robot roll call!

-Cambot!
-You're on.

-Gypsy!
-Oh, my stars!

-Tom Servo!
-Check me out!

-Crow!
-I'm different.

♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts

♪ La-la-la

♪ Just repeat to yourself

♪ It's just a show,
I should really just relax ♪

♪ For "Mystery Science Theater
3000." ♪

[Doors thud and creak]

[Doors whir]

[Doors thud and clank]

[Door slams]

-Well, hi, everyone.

Welcome to the Satellite of
Love.

♪ Here we come a-wassailing

♪ Et cetera
Et cetera ♪

-Give us our wassail if you
please, sir.

-Uh, wassail?

I'm pretty sure I'm fresh out ofwassail.

-You're no fun.
Man.

-Well, come on.
It's July.

-I know, but where's the
challenge in wassailing

at Christmas?The place is lousy with wassail.

Take two steps, and bam!

You smash your toe on tons
of the lousy stuff.

-Wait, wait, wait a minute.
What is wassail anyway?

-Oh, um, well, uh...
-It's, you know -- It's, uh...

-I don't know.

I think it's an
anti-inflammatory or something,

but the point is, if you can'tprovide wassail for wee, humble,

tattered minstrels, you got to
turn over your debit card

and pin number immediately.

-Yeah, it's a custom that goes
back centuries.

-You made that up.

-Nuh-uh.
Listen to the song.

♪ If the person
who you sing to ♪

♪ Can't provide the wassail

♪ You are entitled to his debit
card and pin number ♪

♪ Love and joy come to you

♪ Unless you can't provide the
wassail ♪

-We'll be right back.

♪ Then severe
financial penalty ♪

♪ Shall come to you

♪ Then severe financial
penalties to you ♪

♪♪

-Okay, that's the Smurf brooch
with the Diamonelles,

the porcelain cat, and I think
I'd like to order a...

-Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on.

I have wassail.
I have wassail.

-Hold on there, Nelson.

Canned wassail?

-No way, my friend.
- Oh, yeah.

I checked the lyrics to your
dumb little song,

and it doesn't say anything
about canned wassail.

-Wait, let me see that there.

♪ To have the party
of the first ♪

Damn, he's right!

-Nelson, you found a loophole,
you rat.

-Hold everything.

The castle is calling, and
something is wrong.

-Oh, you bet there's something
wrong!

The Lawgiver went on vacation
and left us with a babysitter.

Look!

-Why won't you play with the
blocks?

-I don't want to play with
blocks.

It's insulting.

I have an infinite intellect.

-I think you're a little crabby,

and you might need a time-out tothink about it.

-No, I can't stand time-outs,
the silence, the desolation!

-Okay, are you going to play
nice with the blocks?

-All right, Steffi.

You win this time.

-You see?

It's horrible, and she calls me
Fluffykinz

and treats me like an animal.

-Hey, did you chew this?
-Um, yes.

-No!
No chew!

No!

God, man, there's hair
everywhere.

-Please don't treat me like
this.

I'm a distinguished professor ofanthropology

from the future where apes
evolved from men.

-No chew!
No!

Go lie down.

-Oh, okay!

-Okay, which one of you is Mike?

-Uh, that would be me.

Hi.

- Okay, and which one of you is
Servo,

and which one of you is Cow?

-Um, I'm Servo.

-And I'm Cow.

-Crow.
-What?

-You're Crow.

-Yeah, I know.
Well, of course, I'm Crow.

I just said I'm Crow,
you great feeb.

-But she...
-Boy.

-Never mind.
He's Crow.

-Well, now it says here I'm
supposed to send you a movie.

Right?
-Um, excuse me, Steffi.

-Yes, Brian.

-No, it's Brain -- I mean, BrainGuy --

I mean, Observer --
Oh, never mind.

I'm finished, and I'm going to
my room to commune

with the Gossabanauthics of the
plangent dimension.

-Well, it's 4:00.

It says you take your fruit
snack at 4:00.

-I don't need to take my fruit
snack,

but I will because I want to.

Thank you.

-Okay, guys, your movie is
called "The Touch of Satan."

Ugh.

And you -- you need
another tick bath.

-No, no.
[Howling]

-Enjoy the great taste of
wassail...

-Mm.

-...in cans.
-Hey, that's ours!

-Come on, you big lush.
-Oh, it's Movie Sign.

-We got Movie Sign.

-Mm.

-You know, that is our wassail.

We worked hard for that.

-You know what, guys, I don't
even think you'd like it.

It's kind of skunky.

-Well, check the freshness date
on it.

-Yeah, let me see here.

Oh, well, there's the problem.

It says 1547.

-Yeah, that's a pretty old
born-on date.

-Yep.

-Mm, need to give that ugly guy
a call.

Huh?
-Uh...

You know, I hope the whole movie

isn't lit by a hurricane
lantern.

-Oh!

That dirt hill is getting worse
every time.

-I hear you, man.

Moo.
Let me tell you.

-Come on, girl.

Don't stop now.

I've already missed my TV.

-Yeah, I don't care
if you're scared.

You can't sleep in the house.
- Whoa.

Whoa.
Look out, you guys!

Look out!
Duck!

- Ow.
-Oh, no.

Come on.
-Ow.

-Ooh, I must be getting old.
-Why won't you lay any eggs?

-Mercy, if you'd come in
like the rest of them...

-Mercy?

-...there wouldn't be
all of this chasing.

-Yeah, milk me.
-Oh, I can tell by the look

in your eye that you like
all of the fussing.

Well, just stand there
like a good girl.

-Hello, tractor.
How are you this evening?

-Well, hello, pile of dung.

-Now what did I do
with that darn pitchfork?

-Maybe the dadblagit thing
is over yonder.

-I know I left it
in here someplace.

[Cat meows]

All right.
Who's in here?

-Oh, there's my
Walk-Me-Wet Miss Susan.

-Is that you, Robert?

-Robert the Cat.

-You're supposed to be in bed,
you little rascal.

-With Andrew the Dog.

-Now, wherever you are,
you better come out here.

-When sore throat pain strikes.

-The American Gothic people
take revenge.

♪♪

-And then he died.
-I shouldn't laugh about it.

He might've been hurt.
-Nah, he's a rock.

-Ah, I'll get more fresh blood.

-Anybody want any more coffee?
-[Mumbling]

-I'll heat it up.
-No, thanks, not for me.

I'm goin' in to watch the late
news and go to bed.

-Me either.
-It's open!

-What is that racket?
What's going on out there?

-Grandma Kramer.

-Lucinda, get her in here!
-Oh, my God.

What is it?

What's the matter?
-A kabuki actor has been hit.

-Come on, Grandma
Dried Apple Head.

-What happened?

What have you done?
-It'll be all right.

-I stayed in the tanning booth
for a whole decade!

-Stop it.
-Oh, look at the blood.

-Oh.
-From now on,

take your bloody clothes
off on the porch, please.

-The last days of Edgar Winter.
-She's done it again.

-Oh, we don't know.
-Don't we?

-Eleven years.

-And before that nine
and before that and...

-Oh, please, Melissa.
-Farmer square head.

-I've got to do something.This torment can't last forever.

-You know that it can.
-No, there's a way.

-Right after this.
-Ah, "The Touch of Satan"

softens your hands
while you do the dishes.

-This is very '70s.

I'm guessing Anthony Zerbe
must be in this.

-No, you know, I think it's
Tony Musante as a kind of hip

Satan who solves crimes.
-Could be.

-Emby Mellay?

That's not a name.
That's a bad Scrabble hand.

-With Screwtape on kettle drum!

Wormwood on harpsichord!

♪♪

-Okay, Crow, I'm putting you
on Clu Gulager alert.

-I'm on it, Mike.
I take this very seriously.

-All right.

♪♪

Oh, David Spade is Satan.

-That's good casting.
-Oh.

-The vineyards of Ernest
and Julio Satan.

-Ha, right.

Well, you know he's Satan

because he didn't signal
his turn.

-Boy.

-Spreading evil and hay fever
wherever he goes.

♪ When there's just a touch
of Satan in your heart ♪

♪♪

-He drives a Maverick.
You know,

I would have put the prince
of darkness in a muscle car.

-Hmm.

♪♪

♪ What do you get when you fall
from grace ♪

♪ You only get cast
into perdition ♪

-Good.

♪♪

-There he goes.
So long, foul deceiver.

-Bon voyage,
onerous spinner of lies.

-Hasta luego,
Maverick-driving Kludde!

-Ye --Kludde?

-Kludde?
-Yeah, it's Scottish.

I looked it up.
-Huh, okay.

-I did.
-Odd, disturbing score

co-written by Mike Post
and Igor Stravinsky.

-Sight see on your own
time, Beelzebub!

-Honk, honk, get off the road,
man-goat!

-Satan's harmonica band
led by Toots Thielemans.

♪♪

-Well, he is the master
of torture.

He would have really
long credits like this.

-Mm-hmm.

-Mike, behind that tree,
it's Clu Gulager!

-Where?
-Where?

-Oh, shoot.
It was Monte Markham.

I should resign my post.

I'm just not doing a good job.
-Thanks anyway.

Appreciate it.
-Thanks.

♪♪

-I should phone Satan,

tell him I'm going to be
just a little late.

-Hmm, what was Anne Heche
doing in there?

-Citizen's arrest!

Oh, wait, I'm a cop.

-Ugh, just taking a breather
here.

I get really winded.
Ooh.

-Nice-looking town
you got here.

-You can't pay, can you?

-Yeah, well, don't let
that fool you none.

More going on here
than meets the eye.

-No kidding.
Like what?

-Well, look what I'm doing
to your car.

-Like murder,
brother, like murder.

-Murder?
-Yes sirree bub.

A farmer down the road
got killed in his barn

by a pitchfork, happened
a little over a week ago.

-They catch the guy yet?
-No, I'm still at large.

-Nope, my money
they won't either.

That'll be $6 even.

-Oh, and an extra dollar
for the aliens in my head.

-See, the way I got it figured,

this job was done by one
of them fromachidal maniacs.

-Ah.
-And we ain't gone none of them

around here.

Stamps?
-Uh, no thanks.

-Back rub?
-Uh, no thanks.

-Oh, come on.
-Yep, long gone by now.

They won't catch him
until he kills again.

-Being him, I should know.
-You're right.

Nobody needs --
uh, what did you call it?

-What the hell is he doing?
-A fromachidal maniac.

-It's even funnier this time!
-Yeah, well, nobody needs

a fromachidal maniac
hanging around.

-Is that right?
I should check my dictionotomy.

-What with all these gas
crises and Watergates,

I needed a good laugh.

[Chuckling]

♪♪

-Hey, wait a minute.

The gas station guy
forgot to give me

my Roman Gabriel cocktail glass.

-Oh, no, the credits are going
to unspool backwards now.

♪♪

-Looks like a nice private placeto practice streaking.

-Weren't they concerned about
holding an audience

back in the '70s at all?

I mean...
-No, no.

Back then, talkies were
still a novelty.

-Oh.

♪ Doom da dum dum dum

You know, I was just thinking,
and that Gerald Ford

is rather clumsy.

♪♪

-Thank you, Lurch.

-I'm going to get out my guitar
and practice

"Sister Golden Hair."

-Wow, I'm the first one
at the Rainbow Gathering.

♪♪

♪ But the trees can't help
their feeling ♪

♪ If they like the way
they're made ♪

-Mike, stop it now!
-Sorry.

-It's the first Richard
Carpenter music video.

♪♪

-Well, this is not putting me
in mind of Satan here.

Believe me.

It's pretty easy to put me
in mind of Satan.

-Yeah, tell me about it.

♪♪

-Heh, let's see Christopher
Atkins skip a stone like that!

-Ow.

-You can't eat ham
just anywhere.

You got to find
just the right place.

-Ah, right next
to the dead raccoon.

-Oliver Hardy, just eat!

-Oops, sitting in the water,
that was real easy to avoid.

-I'm not going back, Jim.

-I'm worried that my sandwich
may be small and inadequate.

-What's on the spit, pilgrim?
Heh-heh

-Okay, you sellingHerbal Essences or Irish Spring?

-This your pond?
-You can, uh, take your time.

It's a tough question.

-Belongs to my father.
-Oh, does your father mind

if people skip rocks
across his pond?

-Just don't hit
his favorite frog.

-I don't think he's ever
mentioned it.

-Oh.
Do you want half a sandwich?

-No, but don't let me stop you.

-Just ram that moldy olive loaf
into your loser face.

-That your car?
-Mm-hmm.

-Mind if I skip
rocks across it?

-Pretty car.

-Thanks.
-Huh.

-Well, I suppose the plot
is not going to unfold itself.

-Yep.

-What's your name?
-Melissa Strickland.

-Mine is Jody,
Jody Lee Thompson.

Only I don't care
for the Lee very much.

-Hello.
-Hi.

-Uh, are we starting over?
-Want half a Mr. Pibbs?

-What are you doing down
by our pond, Jody?

-Mellowing out.
-Lunch.

-You on a journey?
-Yes, I guess so.

I'm not going any place special.

-Just drove through
some credits.

That was fun.

-Yeah, keep on trucking,
I guess.

I guess you'll do your thing,
and I'll do mine.

Yep, Whip Inflation Now.
Bye.

-You're pretty,
you know that?

-Sort of a floppy Rhoda way,
I guess.

-Yes, I guess so.

-I bet you have
nine boyfriends.

-No.

-Six.
-No.

-Three.
-None.

-Two.
Let me change my answer!

-You're putting me on.
How come?

-Well, it's just that we live
on a farm.

-We don't raise boyfriends.

-It's none of my business
anyway.

What kind of a farm?

-We grow walnuts mostly.
-Walnuts, huh?

I've never been
on a walnut ranch.

-How many head of walnut
do you have?

-Can you meet my needs please?
-What's the matter?

-My prize walnut died.
-Nothing.

I was just wondering, would you
like to come up and see it?

-Uh-oh.
-The ranch?

Why?

-Well, you said you'd
never been on one...

-Smooth.

-...and since you're not going
any place special.

-Add to my general fund
of knowledge.

Well, will you give me a walnut?

-Yes, maybe two.
-Well, you can't beat that.

Let's go.

-You can help me calve a walnut
if you're lucky.

-Man, if she doesn't love him
after riding in his Maverick,

she's a total ice princess.

-Yep.

-Surprisingly short run-on time
for a '70s car.

[Rooster crows]

-You catch Kotter last night?
-Mother!

-He's the best I could do.
-This is Jody.

-Hello.

-He's just
passing through, Mama.

-Hello, Jody.
-Or should I call you Buffy?

-Supper will be ready directly.

You look like you could do
with something

besides a chili dog
for a change.

-Well, you're right about that.
-Sit right over there.

-Thank you.

-Melissa, go get your father
and tell him,

"We've got company."

-So can you tell me how to get
your daughter in the sack?

-She's a pretty girl,

isn't she?
-Yes, ma'am.

She is.
-Yeah, I can't imagine

where she got it.

-Where'd she find you?
-Down by the pond.

-By the pond?
-Hmm?

-Those walnuts are tearing
through the hay.

-What is it?

-We have company for supper.
-Company, who?

-Nobody you know, just a boy
I met down by the pond.

-A boy you met?

You brought him to the house?

-Yes, I did.
He's nice.

I just want to talk to him.
That's all.

-I mean, I might
kill him, but...

-Melissa, you don't
have the right.

-The right?

The right to what,
to talk to someone?

Now don't get so excited.
He's just passing through.

He'll be gone soon.

-Is that all there is to it?

Is it?
You didn't call him,

did you?
-Or mail anything?

-No.

I tell you, it's all right.
-What about Lucinda?

-She can eat in her room.
Now come on up to the house.

-Or you're grounded, Dad.

-Herbert von Karajan
is not pleased with that.

-And be nice to him.

-So, you're just
passing through?

-Yes, ma'am.

-I'm just going to take
some of this stuff with me.

I'm setting up a new apartment.
-All right.

Where's the idiot?
-Daddy, this is Jody Thompson.

-This is my unbelievably
sweaty dad.

-Hello, Jody.
-How's Uncle Bill?

-How do you do?
-You hungry?

I could eat a horse.

-Yeah, I guess I could too.
-Good.

Have a drink, young man.

-Now, Jody, there won't be
any hard feelings

if you don't want any of that.

-Oh, bosh.
-Oh, Hieronymus.

-He'll love this stuff.

Best darn cider in the whole
country, I make it myself.

I, uh, put peanuts in it...

-Ooh, I sure hope
he said peanuts.

-...brings out the taste.

-You know, with Mitchum,
you can skip a week.

Did you know that?

-Well, to BO!
-Man, that's good!

Mm!
-Tastes vaguely of back sweat.

-Supper ready?
-Just about.

Wash up, everybody.

[Doors closing]

♪ Everybody is working
for the weekend ♪

-Whoa.

Holy cow.
Whew.

-What's up, Mike?

-Decided to start
a walnut ranch

like that guy in the film there.

Man, is that hard work.

-Hey, I hear you.

-Whew, man, barely got started
and look at me.

-Hey, you look like hell.
-Oh, yeah.

I know, and I was just leafing
through the catalogs.

How do you account for that?

-Well, it's darn hard work,
my friend.

-Man, you said it.

Oh, I'm not going to make fun
of walnut ranchers anymore.

I'll tell you that.
-No.

♪ Doo do doo boom boom

♪ Ba boom boom boom

-Oh, Mike, you been walnut
ranching or something?

-Yeah. Look at me.
I'm just ragged.

-Yeah, well, I could've
told you that, man.

Me, I've been pecan farming.

It's like rolling off a log.

Just made my first million, too.

Haven't even grown
a single pecan.

-We'll be right back.
-Mike, could you back off?

You smell like canned tamales.

-Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
Ugh!

♪♪

-Tell me, Jody,
you think you'll ever stop...

-It's a bit gamy there.
-...bumming around?

-Sure, I will, Mr. Strickland,

as soon as the excitement
wears off

or I find something
I really want.

-He wants my hair,
doesn't he?

-You know, I gave a lot ofthought to this before I did it.

I just didn't jump up and run.

-Well, sounds like you know
what you're about, son.

-I don't actually.
How'd you pick that up?

-How about another little drink
of my cider?

-No, thank you.

Besides, I've got
to get back on the road.

-No, why don't you wait
until morning?

The highway is going
to be foggy tonight.

-Melissa, if Jody
wants to leave,

we really shouldn't
try to keep him.

-Yes, Melissa, if he has
to get to San Francisco...

-Well, I'm in no hurry.

I just don't want to strain
your hospitality.

-Don't be silly.

It's no strain, and besides,
we've got a spare room.

You can be off first thing
in the morning.

-I just mopped up the blood
from the last guy.

-Well, I'd hate to be
any more trouble.

-Well, you are.
-It's no trouble at all.

-To kill you.
-Is it, Mother?

-No, I'll just tell
Leatherface you're here.

-Of course not.

I'll fix up the sewing room.
-The sawing room!

-I'll go with you in case
you need any help.

-Should we have Jody
as our guest,

or should I just drill
right into my molar?

-I sure appreciate it.

-Don't say anything
more about it.

You and I can pick up
the dishes,

and then we'll go for a walk.

-We pick them up for a second
and set them down.

It's an odd custom.

-Do you like living out here
like this in the country?

-I suppose so.

It's the only way
I've ever lived.

-Didn't you ever want
to do something different?

-Like what?

-Oh, I don't know,
just something different.

-Not everyone can be
like you, you know?

You're lucky.

-Your death will be quick.
-Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I am.

-But you get to watch
the walnuts

grow up wild and free.
-What's it like?

-What?
-The steering on your Maverick.

-Being able to do exactly whatyou want to do every single day.

-It's exciting.
-Exciting?

-Exciting?
-Exciting.

-Yes.

Why do you think I turned down
your road today?

-Why did you?

-Because I wanted to see
what was at the other end.

-And your end was
at the other end.

-And I got lucky
because you were there.

-Help, please!
Please!

♪♪

-Huh, girls usually run
a lot farther away from me.

♪♪

-This is where the fish lives.
-Why did you run?

-Because this is where
the fish lives.

-Felt like it.

I really wanted to fly, but I
couldn't do that, so I ran.

-You're kind of an idiot,
aren't you?

-This is where my tongue lives.

-Please, not in front
of the fish.

-Um, he -- hey, your hoof is
on my sneaker.

-Mm, that was really bad.

-Tell me about yourself,
who you are, all of that.

-Where your fish lives.

-Well, my father
is a Russian count,

and when the Bolsheviks came...

-Stop it.
-You don't believe that?

-No.
-Well, it could be true.

-Stop it.

-Oh, sure, Miss This Is
Where The Fish Lives.

-Okay.

My father is a lawyer.

-For the Czars' court.

-And he wants me
to be a lawyer, too.

-Stop it.
-I told him, I didn't know yet,

that I wanted to go out and pokearound the country for a while.

-Stop it.

-So he gave me the car, $300
and a handshake, and here I am.

-Stop it.

-Do you let him know
what you're doing?

-Sure, I do.

I think he'd like to be with me.-Stop it.

-He sounds like a nice man.
-Yes, he's a very nice man.

-Really crooked lawyer though.

Man, he'll embezzle the socks
right off you.

-Hallmark Hall of Fame presents
"The Touch of Satan."

♪ Come sit with me
and Satan too ♪

♪ He's your friend and mine

-You know, I like you.
I did right away.

-Like most women.
-You like me too, don't you?

Don't you?
-Uh-huh.

-In a Ron Palillo
sort of way, sure.

-Funny, isn't it?

I wonder what causes a thing
like that.

-Maybe I hexed you.

-You mean,
put the whammy on me?

-Maybe.
-Nope, not me.

-I already had the whammy
when I was little.

-Will you stay here a few days?
-By this log, and don't move.

-Huh?
-Stay here with me.

-What?
-Stay here.

-Huh?
-Stay here!

-Well...
-I'm lonely, Jody.

I need someone to talk to,

to share things with,
just for a few days.

-Someone to share
clunky dialogue with.

-Well, I was going to be
in San Fran...

-Cisco?
-Well, what about your folks?

-I already live with them.
-Oh, Jody.

-You're such an imbecile.
-You know what I mean,

would they mind?

-No.
-All right.

-I'll leave.
-Mm.

-Oh, do you know how long it's
been since I've felt this good?

-Must be at least 50 years.

-No, since the last guy left,
about a week ago.

-Oh, now he's rubbing his Ryan
O'Neal-y face all over hers.

-Yeesh.
-Ugh.

Ugh.

-Let's get up, first thing
in the morning.

We can have
the whole day together.

-I'll wear my goat's head.

It'll be fun.

-What's so funny?
-You.

You are.
Come on.

Let's go.
-Put on the gloves.

Go six rounds.
See what you're made of.

Come on.
Let's go.

-Night, fish.
-Goodnight, kid, glub, glub.

♪♪

-Uh, just want to drive
through the director

of photography credit
real quick.

-Instant ball and chain,
I tell you.

-Great "Bold Ones" tonight,
huh, honey?

-Did you have a nice walk?
-Yes, ma'am.

-Um, don't come up for about
5 minutes, okay.

-Good night.

-I sure love
the yelling channel.

-Huh, your folks seem
nice and evil.

-That's your room.

-There's ton of varnished bread
laying around in there.

Just push it out of the way.
-Huh, nice door.

I'd like to see it crumpled up
next to my bed... Oh, wait.

-Bang on my door
in the morning?

-At 6:00?

-Sure, why not.
-Okay.

-We'll have to get up
and milk the walnuts.

-Hmm.

-Good night, creepy,
vacuous girl.

-Uh, so I don't need
a kiss or anything.

I'm fine.

[Door closes]

-[Humming]

-I like to sniff my blinds
before I go to bed.

-Hey, Beelzebub,
Kali, and Lucifer!

-Huh.

-Hey, a signed copy
of the Necronomicon here.

-"You guys scare me,
ha, ha, ha.

Signed, Satan."

-Ah! Its a hideous thing
made of skin!

Oh, it's just me.

-Ah, that represents
all my hang-ups, man,

and I just let them fall.

Cool.

-Huh.
-Hmm.

-Uh, excuse me,

I think I left a Sustacal back
in the corner there.

-Go away.
-Who are you?

-My name is
Margaret Rawhide-Chew.

-Go!

-Hmm.

-I usually like the left side
of the bed if that's okay.

-Huh.

Did a plucked turkey
in a wig just talk to me?

-Uh, front desk?

There's a mummy in my room.

-Uh, Mrs. Rotting-Pumpkinhead?
Hello?

-Who is it?

-It's me.
-Is Captain Hook there?

-I've got to talk to you.
-Do you have a needle?

I need to reinflate
your grandma.

-What's the matter?

-Is there anybody else in this
house that I don't know about?

-Well, you know about

Mrs. Wilma Failed-Genetic-
Experiment, right?

-Lucinda.
-She came right in my room

and scared the hell out of me.

-I'm sorry she frightened
you, Jody.

-She only kills
when she's crazy.

-But you mustn't pay
any attention to her.

She's an old woman,
and she likes to wander

around the house.

It won't happen again.

-Who is she?
-She's my great-grandmother.

-She's not that great.
-What happened to her face?

-She was badly burned
when she was a young girl.

That's why she doesn't go out
very much because of her face.

-Unless she's got
a coffee coupon.

-Go back to bed.

She was just curious.

I'll go talk to her.

-Okay.

-Oh, and there's a huge,
insane,

scabby gorilla
wandering around too.

-Why did she say go away?
-She's afraid of strangers.

-Well, she wasn't afraid
to come into my room

without knocking.

-She's an old lady, Jody!

-They don't know what they're
doing half the time.

-I tell you what,
I'll go flip her left

turn signal on, and she'll
go right back to sleep.

-I -- I'm sorry.
Go back to bed.

-Uh, could you make
your grandma wear a bell?

-Okay.

♪♪

-I'm going to
lock the door now.

Do you understand?

-I haven't understood anything
since McKinley went down.

-[Mumbling]

-Uh, she's saying never try
to deep-fry a snowball.

-No.
It's late.

-Huh.
-You have to go to sleep now.

Tomorrow I'll take you
for an extra long walk.

-All the way to the dressing
table and back.

-[Mumbling]

-You know, there's a delightful
scene later in the movie

where this old woman raps.

-Wow.
-No, there isn't.

-Good night...
-And by "Good night"

I mean, "Shut up."
-...my sister.

-Oh, I just wanted to give
her a Werther's.

-Oh, man.

Now a withered, old Billy Zane
is going to come in

and give her a withered old
coeur de la mer.

-Yeah.
-Ah, good day.

Took a walk.
Got that dress sewn.

Killed.

-Ah, a wrinkle!
-Ooh!

Oh, it's kind of a lateral move,actually.

-She turned into
Cecilia Bartoli.

-Huh.

-I miss my Eddie Munster
widow's peak.

♪♪

-I've still got to work
on the mustache, though.

-Ah, back to being
Swifty Lazar.

-Hmm.
-Who's got it going on?

Me!
That's who!

-What else are we going
to do today, hmm?

-Well, would you mind
driving me to town

so I can go to the store?

-Sure.
-Ow, my pet tick!

-I'll go change and tell them
we're leaving.

Meet me at the car.
-Okay.

-Hey, I got rooked.

-The cup is glued to my lip.
-The mom looks like Ron Popeil.

She does.
-I asked Jody

to stay a few days,
and he agreed.

-He agreed that she asked him?
-Figured you would.

-Jody is going to drive me
to the store.

-Does she know
everything we need?

-Yes.

-We'll probably stop by where
the fish lives.

-I said Jody has agreed
to stay a few days.

-We heard you the first time.

-We weren't interested
then either.

-And it's all right with you?

-No, it's not all right
with me,

but it's your decision,
not mine.

-Uh, Mike, if you're ever
this family's secret Santa,

don't buy them pot holders.

-That means a great deal
to me, Luther.

-I mean, Mr. Vandross.

[Rooster crows]

-Thank you.

♪ Is this the little demon
I carried ♪

-Go to the store.

-Buy canned peaches
and dishwashing liquid.

-I should stop
dying my eyebrows.

-Melissa.
-Hmm?

-What are you going
to tell him?

-I don't know.

I'll have to wait and see.

[Footsteps]

-Are they miking her
shoe bottoms?

-Well, time to stick my cup

back on my lips.

[Rooster crows]

-Oh, yeah.
He's a hot one, all right.

-Oh, and they don't need plant
holders either, Mike.

I mean, you know,
if you're their secret Santa.

-Got it.

-Well, off
to my stewardess job.

-Ready to go?
-Yes.

Let's go.
-Take a left.

Right there.
Good.

♪♪

-Look out!
Walnut stampede!

-Hey, want to play
pitchfork bug?

-Well, now, Andy, I think
there was a demon in the car!

-Ooh.

-Enhance your moody soundtrack
music with tiny fart sounds!

-He's got two huge Sudafed
on top of his car.

See?

Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft.

-Huh.
From the waist down, a woman.

-Man, I try to keep fit, but
after the third baby, you know.

[Doorbell rings]

-Um, hi.

Have you seen
the other Village People?

-Boy, that body pile is really
growing.

Oh, that Grandma.

-Die, die, die!
I mean, hello.

-Well, hello, Mr. Mason.
-Howdy, Mrs. Strickland.

Luther around?

-I believe he's
around the back.

-You mind if I wander
back there?

-Of course not.
-Thank you, ma'am.

-Just got a real walnut jones
today, ma'am.

-There's not anything wrong,
I hope.

-Oh, no, Mrs. Strickland.

I just want to chew the fat
with Luther for a while.

I'll be seeing you.
-He even brought his own fat.

-Ew.
-Hmm.

Would he even fit
in the iron maiden?

-Well, hello, John.
What brings you out this way?

-And if you say "My squad car,"
I'll chainsaw you in half.

-Oh, nothing much.

Just kind of poking around.
-Sit down.

Take a load off.
-Thank you.

-Got the kettle of hands going,
I see.

-Luther, doesn't the back
of your place butt up

against
old man Larson's property?

-It sure does.

-You don't mind if I chew
on this stick insect, do you?

-You still working on
that Larson business?

-Harris Townley has still got
his wind up.

-Ooh.

-He thinks if we can
break this thing,

he'll be re-elected sheriff for
the next 20 years, damn fool.

He's running around over
in Newport

like he thought
he was J. Edgar Hoover.

-Pretty dress, though.
-How can I help?

-Do you mind if I just take
a look around your place?

-Of course not.

What are you looking for?
-Hell, I don't know.

We ain't found nothing yet.

Not even a suspicious
looking cow chip.

-Hmm.
-Hmm.

-Looks like whoever killed
the old man

went up in a puff of smoke.
-I see.

So you don't have any ideaat all who might have done this.

-Nope.
Nothing.

That's why we're all
just out poking around.

I guess the sheriff hopes
we'll find a signed confession

just laying in the grass.

-Well, help yourself
to my place, John.

Take all the time you want.

-Just don't spook the walnuts.
-Thanks a lot, Luther.

I appreciate that.
-Listen...

-My tummy is growling.
-You get through poking around,

come on up to the house, and
we'll have a touch of my cider.

-I knew you were going to
say that, Luther.

-Then give me the finger
like that.

-But if Sheriff Townley
finds out

I was drinking your cider,

I may have to start
working for a living.

Thanks anyway, Luther.
I'll see you in town.

-Uh, by the way,
there's no reason to look

in the crawl space.
Heh-heh.

-She's going to go buy
a whole bunch

of Procter & Gamble products.

-Why do I suddenly feel hungry
for Carnation Ice Cream?

-I like this place because
they have bulk eye of newt.

-Two, three!

-And then, get this, four!
-Morning, Mr. Gentry.

-Oh, Melissa.
-Please feel free to peruse

my supply of unguents,
suspensions, tinctures,

compounded formulas,
and other sundries.

-Huh.

Anyway, I will shake the paint
off your walls, honey.

-What's the matter
with these people?

You'd think we had
the plague or something.

-It's not you, just me.
-Yep, got the plague.

Want to make out?

-They always behave that way.
-Well, why?

-They say in this town
that I'm a witch.

-A witch?
-It only rhymes with witch.

-Ah, you
plague-ridden little witch!

-Here.
-Ah.

-See what I mean?

-Witches can't lift flour
on their own.

-Why do they think
you're a witch?

-Because I am.

-Oh, stop it.
-You don't believe me?

Ask them.
-She gives them 15.55

just so she can get
6.66 back in change.

-This is a tense moment because
she used to date the grocer.

-Ah.

-Thank you, Melissa.
-You're welcome.

-Then you'll just deliver
the broomsticks to my house?

-Hey, they got a sale
on mismatched beer!

-Hmm.
-Steinlager, Pete's.

-Zah!
-Ah, you made me go burpy.

-Heh, heh, I said "zah."
-Young whipper-snapper.

-Where's he from?

-The grocer's wife died
when someone said "zah."

It's not funny.

-Why did you do that?
-Serves them right.

-You just made it worse doing
a silly thing like that.

-I'm sorry, Melissa,
but that sort of thing bugs me.

-Come on.
Let's go.

-I've said "zah" in better
towns than this.

-After the movie,
remember to pick up

some Carnation Ice Cream!

♪♪

-Okay.
Here we go.

Anything?

-Hmm.
Hmm.

Nope.
Nope, nope, I'm fine, Mike.

I guess all we can do
is add more rocks.

-Okay.
-You know, I'm worried.

If I wasn't a witch, I'd be deadby now or at least shrieking

out a confessions or raining
down curses on my tormentors,

but instead, hey, I'm great.

I couldn't be better.

-Okay.

Anything?
-Oh, no.

Did you actually add one?

No, I'm fine.
Very comfortable, in fact.

I can't believe this!
-Yeah, Crow, what I don't get

is why do you assume you're
a witch in the first place.

-Well, I --
I don't really assume it, Mike,

but I guess it's always been in
the back of my mind, you know?

-Hmm, yeah, but you know, Crow,

the reason you can survive
all of this

is because of
your durable molybdenum frame.

-Well, that's nice of you
to say, Mike,

but let's face it,
I'm a witch!

You might as well burn me
at the stake.

-Crow, you're not a witch,

but, you know, it is hard for meto prove a negative, you know?

I can't really proveyou're not a frog, for instance.

-Uh! Mike, this is weird.
-Oh, what?

Are --are you feeling
some pain?

Is it working?
-No, how did you know

I was thinking
I might be a frog?

Did I tell you that?

-No, I mean, I just used it
as an example, I...

-Ribbit.
I'm a frog!

Ribbit.
I'm a frog!

Get these rocks off me.

I can't stand
this kind of weight!

I'm a tiny frog!
-No, you're not a frog!

[Alarm blaring]

-Hey, you guys,
we got Movie Sign!

-Ribbit.
-Oh, well, help with this rock.

-Okay.
-Whoa!

-You know what this mean?

I'm not a witch!
I'm a frog! Yay!

[Doors opening]

-Sorry about that.
-Ow.

-You really do believe
you're a witch, don't you?

-No, I'm a frog.

Oh, we're back here
at the movie.

-Yeah.
-Yes.

-There's no such thing
as witches.

I mean, real witches.

-"Real witches."
-Yeah, you know,

the kind they burn.
-Ooh.

You are so witch-ist.

-What's the matter?

-Would you like to see
where I do my witchcraft?

-I do it out of Kinkos!
-Yeah, I guess so.

-Okay.
I'll show you where to turn.

-I'm just going to stop
in this farm

and say "zah" to somebody, okay?

-Uh-oh.

Oh, this scene is going to
play hell on my hay fever!

-This is it!
-Achoo!

-Wow.

-Well, it doesn't look
very forbidding.

-Achoo!
-Ugh.

-Why should it be forbidding?
-Well, if this is where

you do your, uh,
your witchcraft.

-Achoo!
-Wow!

-Geez.
-Just what kind of witchcraft

do you do?

-Achoo!
-Oh, I witch the birds

into singing and the Sun
into coming up...

-You all right?
-I'm okay now.

-...making everything look
the way it looks.

-You're a very lovely witch.

-With your soft, downy warts.
-Come on!

-Cabin five is not on
the lake, per se.

-You know, if she had
another one of these

she could be
Melissa "Two Sheds" Strickland.

-Take a look inside.

-Just walk into
the spinning blades.

It's nice.

-Wait, you can't use "Amazing
Grace" in a devil movie!

-Go on in.
-Okay.

Ooh, lots of pig heads.

-Oh, she's a talent agent
for the Mormons.

-Your own place.

-Uh, sorry, that's the most
interesting thing

I could come up with.

-You come in here
and shut the door

and leave the world
out there somewhere.

-Do you like to turn off
the world sometimes?

-No.

No, I'm afraid
I might miss something.

-Oh, he turns off the world,
all right.

-Uh-huh.

-You do, though, don't you?
-Yes.

Sometimes.

-Mostly I just like
to turn off Canada.

-Well?
-Shall we trade clothes?

-"Well" what?
-Well, do me some witch things.

-What would you like me to do?
-Um, make me disappear.

-Yay!
-I wouldn't like to do that.

-Well, make somebody
appear, then.

-There's been
a walnut uprising.

[Giggling]

-Hello, there.

-I must agree with that.
-Is Lucinda out again?

She wandered into Jody's room
last night.

Scared him half to death.

-We'll help you look for her.
-You -- you stay here.

Stay here.

Have a good time.

-Uh, have some toast
or something.

-Poor Lucinda.

I'm the only one
she feels comfortable with,

except her doll.

-Hmm.
-Hmm.

-It's sad.
It really is.

-Yep, really,
really, really sad.

Okay, sex then?

-What's in the chest?
-I beg your pardon?

-I'll show you.

-Well, hey!

A frog that's not deformed!

-Huh, your Maverick
is rolling down the hill.

-Woo.
The Sun just go nova out there?

-Wow.
-What's the matter?

-I can't take the pace anymore.
-I'm not sure.

Will you take me home, please?
-Sure.

-Still, that was one of
the snappiest conversations

they've had yet.
-Mm-hmm.

-Yep, obviously a herd
of grandmas came through here.

[Birds chirping]

-A-ha!

I found the murder weapon.

-Heh-heh, I'm getting way ahead
of everyone

on this scavenger hunt.

-Hmm?

Hey, a giant matchstick!

I could chew on this for months!

-Uh, I thought
of a secret Santa

gift for these people, Mike,

the book "How to
Hide a Murder Weapon."

-Okay.
-Achoo!

-Oh, not again.
-Achoo!

-Look, here's your Allegra.
-Oh, thank -- thanks.

-There you go.
-Works fast.

-Mm-hmm.
-Mm.

Ah, thanks.
-Killer grandma got back!

-I have a feeling he's going
to lead a long, full life.

-Yeah.

-Eh, now I got to go over
and bust grandpa Walton

for raising pot.

-Oof.

Take three men to peel him
off that seat in hot weather.

-Oof.
-Unit 1, this is unit 4, over.

-I'll hang up and listen.
-Unit 1, this is unit 4, over.

-Unit 1 is looking
at the radio, giggling.

-Unit 1 or unit 3, do you read?
-Whoa.

Okay, hold still!

-Where's my bike?

I reported it stolen
18 years ago!

-She...
-Aw.

-[Grunting]
-What?

What?

-Well, right about then them
Duke Boys showed up.

-Lucinda!
Lucinda!

-Guess who we saw in town!

-Just be calm
Be calm.

-Oh, I suppose you're going
to blame me for this.

-Here's his head.

You've earned it.
-I meant to ask him in for pie.

I don't know what happened!
-Well, ready to try that cider?

Hello?

-Melissa...
-Oops.

-Ew.
-Ugh.

-Oh.
-Whoa.

Hot dog, french fries,
ramen noodles.

Wow, look at him go.

-Melissa...
-Go inside with Molly.

Go ahead.

-[Mumbling]
-Go on.

Go on.

-Come on.
-This is so weird, you know.

This happened to me
on one of my first dates.

Grandma killed a guy.

-Wow.
-Huh.

-Dated the girl
for a while, though.

-Oh, good.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

-Um, Jody, that's going to
take the paint off your car.

-Yeah, yeah.

You know, a vomit-stained
Maverick was hardly a rarity

in those days.
-I'm here to tell you, nope.

[Rooster crows]

-Did she just crow?
-I think.

Gross, she's kneeling in deputy.Ew.

-Yuck.
-Huh.

Killer grandma
and locked in the barn.

Something is not right here.

-Why is that pigeon
staring at my head?

-Coo, coo, coo.

-Well, at least they didn't
chain him to a Baldwin brother.

-Ew.
-He's got that going for him.

-Wow.

-Hey, there goes Don
"The Snake" Prudhomme.

-Well, the California Bed
and Breakfast Guide

is getting an angry letter!

-Just drive carefully!
We don't want to be stopped!

-All right.
-Left the PA on.

-The keys are in the truck.
-You know, from the back,

she looks exactly
like David Cassidy.

-Don't worry about Melissa now!

Hurry up and follow me
and be careful!

-All right.
-Hello?

-Hello?

-They should just call Harvey
Keitel over to fix things.

-Why do you think I turned
down your road today?

-Why did you?

-Because I wanted to see
what was at the other end,

and I got lucky
because you were there.

-Huh.
I have a weird voice.

-They say in this town
that I'm a witch.

-They won't find him
until he kills again.

-She doesn't go out much
because of her face.

-Uh, me, could you
fast forward?

-Will you stay with me
a few days?

Stay here with me.
I'm lonely, Jody.

I'm lonely, Jody.

-Ew.
-I need someone to talk to.

I need someone to talk to.

To share things with,
just for a few days.

-Oh, yep.

There --
there's where I tripped up.

Yep.

-Um, I've been appointed
as your defense.

-So you done blowing groceries?

-Not going to "zah" your wayout of this one, are you, pally?

-What are they going
to do about me?

-I don't know.
-I'm going to time this pause.

One, two, three, four, five...
Wow.

Five, six, seven.

-Will you stay here
until tomorrow?

-Well, I do want
to try Grandma's waffles.

-I don't seem to
have any choice.

-Luther will unlock that
as soon as he gets back.

-They're just pausing
out of spite now.

-Yeah.

-He'll trust me not to run off?
-He'll do what I say.

-I've got pictures of him
with Mom.

-Believe me.

-Listen, that old woman...

-Just give us
until tomorrow, please.

-And what good will that do?
It won't change anything.

-Maybe I can find a way
for you to understand.

-Oh, I understand.

I understand enough to know thatif you had gone

to that sheriff 10 days ago,

that deputy
would still be alive.

-Aw, look, we don't
know he's dead.

-She killed that farmer, too,
didn't she?

Didn't she?
-Did all the actors drink

a quart of Robitussin
before shooting?

-It's wrong, Melissa.

-Luther and Molly
and you are wrong.

-We're cursed.
-No.

-We are cursed!
-Come on, we're cursed.

Please!
-You believe that.

You really do believe it.

-Yes.

-If I stay until tomorrow,
will you go away with me?

-Where?

-To the sheriff, and then
after that away from here.

Maybe back to Austin with me.

-I can never leave them.
-Anyway, I hate line dancing.

-Why?
Why, Melissa?

-What happens to my family
is my responsibility.

-And why not Luther?
It's his family.

-You saw Lucinda
this afternoon.

She barely knows Molly or Lutheror anyone exists but me.

-Well.
-I saved her.

I'm the only one
that can reach her.

-I don't understand.
-Much of anything, really.

-Then stay.
Just one more day.

-Oh, you mean, "Stay!"
-All right.

-Ladies and gentleman, the most
malleable man in the world.

-I'll find a way.

-Come on, we'll have a nice,
murder-free walk.

-You really do believe
there's some...

-Bologna left.
-Oh, yeah.

-...some devil out there.
-Oh, yes.

-I've seen his food cake.
-I suppose that makes it true.

-It is true.
-Talk quicker!

-Just like those people
in the store.

They believe you're a witch,
so it's true for them.

Well, I don't, so you're not.

-Huh.
-I'm possessed by the devil.

-Michael Eisner?
-There's no such thing.

-I learned that
in community college.

-I heard his voice!

-He sang "Lend Me a Tenor."
-No, there is no devil.

-Oh.
-Brought to you

by the National Council
for Emergency Brakes.

-Didn't there used
to be a lake here?

-Damn.

-Lesson --
Never ask Kelsey Grammer

to get your gloves
out of your car.

-Now he's handcuffed
to the meatloaf.

-I just said the steak
was a little tough.

I didn't mean to
bring everyone down.

-Ah, so you're judging us now?

-You took too many pork chops.

-I saw a robin today.

-I could put my salad fork
right in his jugular.

-Well, I'm just going to stay
through the week.

Then that's it.

-I'll go lock myself
in the barn.

Don't get up.

-Honey, I found a deputy's
badge in my stew.

Oh.

♪♪

-Hmm, I need that Scottish guy

to come over and seal
up my windows.

-It must be hard getting whale
oil anymore for these lamps.

-Check it out,
she's dressed like Ed Ames.

Skiparoo.

-Dead rubber chicken,
what is that?

-Hmm.

-Time to go be a general
in the Michigan Militia.

-Oh, I made
a terrible sock monkey.

♪♪

-My obsession with the color
brown is getting out of hand.

♪♪

-Someone is playing the cicada
in the background.

-Oh!
-Hey!

-Oh, my god.
-Ah!

-Oh, oh!
-Who is that?

-Oh.
-Hmm?

-Oh, yes.

-The editor got called out
of the room a lot I guess.

-I can't stop thinking
about that sandwich

I had the other day.

♪♪

♪ Do, do, do, Bernina

-It's the loneliest firefly
and his friends.

-Harpsichord is really
a stupid instrument.

-Oh.
-I'm sorry.

I'm in a bad mood.

-Oh, understood.
-Binding polymers and you.

-Burn the witch!
Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!

-Ah.
-Burn the witch!

-Burn the witch.
-Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!
Burn the witch!

-Oh, and go Packers too...
-Burn the witch!

-...but mostly burn the witch.

-The wicked man travaileth
with pain all his days.

-Said Madeline.
-And a number of years

is hidden to the oppressor.

-Bunch of crap.

-A dreadful sound
is in his ears.

-That's Paula Cole I think.
-Yes.

-Any prosperity, the destroyer
shall come upon him.

What is it, child?
-I heard something.

-Pay attention to
the word of God.

-For he loves you, and he may
kill you if you don't.

-Yea...
-Team.

-The light of the wicked
shall be put out...

-By 10:30.

-...and the spark of his fire
shall not shine.

-Just take the old-fashioned
photo, Dad.

-The light shall be dark
in his tabernacle...

-Mm.

-And his candle shall be
put out with him.

-Listen.
-Sit back, Lucinda.

-That's Aunt Eller.
-Ooh.

-They're coming for me.
-Calm yourself.

Sit back.

-So this family has been
pausing for centuries.

It's tradition.

-The steps of his strength
shall be straightened...

-Ah, this does drag,
doesn't it?

-And his own counsel...
-Mm-hmm.

-...cast him down...
-Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!

-...for he's cast...
-Out of plastic.

-Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!
Burn the witch!

-Yes?
-Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!
-...for he's cast into a...

-Yeah.
-...net...

-And it just goes
on from there.

-Oh.
Oh, that's right.

I called a service to come
around and burn my witch.

-What is it, David?

-It's people saying,
"Burn the witch."

Are you deaf?
-Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!
Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!

-Papa, what is it?

-People saying,
"Burn the witch."

Do you have any
deductive powers at all?

-I don't know yet.
-Burn the witch!

-Take your mother to the back
of the house...

-Work her over.

-And I'll see
what this is about.

-Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!
-It's pretty casual.

It's kind of like
a Lake Wobegon witch burning.

-Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!
-Burn the witch.

-Say, are you guys
burning witches?

Can I come?
-Big Hoss has lost some weight.

-Uh, we was out burning,
uh, uh, uh, uh... You tell him.

-Well, it seems
kind of silly now.

-Good evening, Mr. Keitel.

-Mr. Strickland.

-You've been hitting
the booze again.

-What can I do for you?
-Um, Mrs. Lucaster lost

her young one tonight,
only 3 years old.

-Left her at Gymboree.
-I'm sorry to hear that.

-Kester Hagan here lost three
head of cow tonight,

and his wife is down sick.

-Hmm.
-I'm sorry.

-And my souffle fell today.
-It's a plague.

-I understand.
-Plague.

-The plague has hit near
everybody here,

David Strickland,
but it ain't hit you.

Now, how do you explain that?

-Well, I don't comb my hair
with rat bones.

-I can only assume...

-That I'm Franz Schubert.
-...that it's God's will.

-Don't talk to us about God,
David Strickland.

There's a witch in that house,
and we aim to have her.

-There is no witch
in that house.

-Well, my daughter
is kind of a witch,

but other than that, no witches.

-Go on home!

-We'll not go home until we get
what we come for.

Your daughter is a witch,
and she's put a hex on us!

-That's a damn fool thing
to say, Mr. Keitel.

Go on home.
-Ah, look at them go.

Run, you yellow-belly...
Oh, you're not.

-I'll talk to you tomorrow down
at Ben Proctor's store.

-There will be no talk.

We'll have the witch.

-Over my dead body!
-Uh-oh.

-So be it.
-Hmm.

-Come on.
-Smooth, Strickland.

-Lucinda, run!

Run!
Run!

-Oh, take my daughter, but
spare my commemorative plates!

-Oh, run, Lucinda, no!
-Ah!

Oh!

[Doors closing]

[Doors continue closing]

-[Speaking gibberish]
-Ah!

-Hey, hey, who are you?
Servo, stop it!

What are you doing?
Servo, heaven's sake!

-Bum, bum, buh, bum, bum,
dum, dum, hi, Mike.

What are you... What?
Grandma, darn it, Grandma!

Stop!
Now I told you, "No."

Jeez, I'm sorry, Mike.
-Wait a minute.

This is your grandma?
-It sure is, Mike.

Isn't she spry?

-When did you
get a grandma?

Ow, stay away.
-I have two grandmas, Mike.

I always have.

The other one doesn't
kill people though.

This one does.
That's how I tell them apart.

Ah, Grandma, down.
-Hey, hey.

-Down, Grandma.
-Oh, I guess it's okay.

I mean, couldn't you get her
a TV or something?

-Hold on a second.
What's that, Grandma?

Big, slow, tempting target?
Oh, believe me.

I know, but you just can't,
okay?

Well, I'll tell you what, Mike.

I'm just going to leave you
two alone

to start all over
with each other.

All right?
-No, Servo, don't.

-Oh, she's full of stories,
Mike!

Have a good time!
-Hey, hey, get away from me.

We'll be right back.

Back off, lady.

What?
What?

I'm sorry.
I didn't catch that.

What?
Ow, ow, hey, lady, stop it!

Stop it!
Stop!

Now back down, down, down!

♪♪

-Let go!
You're hurting me!

Let go of me!

-Ah, don't these people
have butter to churn

or taffy to pull,
prairie leagues to form?

-Something.
-Get off of me, no!

Please don't tie me up!

No, please stop!
-Please let me go!

-Quit whining.

-No, no, no, no!
-Help me!

Let me down from here!
-Oh, Neil Young.

-Oh, no, you're
making a mistake!

Help me!
Help me, Melissa!

-Hey, you been working out?
-Oh, no!

-You know, maybe if
the Amish used buttons,

they wouldn't be so irrational.

-No, no!

-Please, you're hurting me,
please!

-No!
-Burn the witch.

-Yeah, that's the plan, Amos.
-Ah!

-Burn the witch.
-Ah!

-Burn the witch.
-No!

-Burn the witch.

-No!
-Burn the witch.

Burn the witch.
-Oh, this is so gauche.

-Molly, please help me.

-Burn the witch.
-Please don't do this.

-Burn the witch.
Burn the witch.

♪ Amazing grace

-Take her down!

♪ How sweet the sound

-Help!
Somebody help!

Oh, damn you!

-Every week, we do this!

♪ That saved a wretch like me

-Somebody, anybody,
I beg of you, anybody!

Oh, my God, no.

-♪ This song is
in the public domain ♪

♪ That's why we used it twice

-Will you save her?
I say again.

Would you save the witch?

-Shall I wrap her up for you?
-Yes, save her.

-You been hitting the booze?

-Will you accept me
as your master?

-And go fetch?
-Yes, yes.

-Hold up your hand.
-Let me stamp it.

-Now, put out the fire.
-Hmm.

-Caleb, what kind of charcoal
did you use?

-Must have got a hold
of a wet witch.

-You have asked for death...

-Ooh.
-...and you shall have it!

May your livestock
sicken and die!

-Moo, oh.

-May your crops rot
on the ground!

-Happened already.

-May your houses be infested
with snakes and scorpions!

-Houses?
You have houses?

-And may your firstborn be
deformed as pigs and toads!

-May your tomatoes
be flavorless!

-Ah!

-Let's burn some Beatles
records instead!

[Crowd yelling]

-I do okay with the curses?

I'm open to criticism.

♪♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do

-Ooh, ouch, you're

still hot, ow.
-You know what?

Those villages really
burn me up. Ha, he, heh, heh.

It's good that I can laugh, oh.

-Who are you?

-I am friend and companion
of the night.

I rejoice in spilled blood
and the baying of dogs.

-Oh.
-Ew.

-I wander among
shades and tombs.

I am Gorgo and Mormo
of the thousand-faced moon.

-But call me Sue.

-What would you have of me?

-I ask that you know me
when I return.

I will return.

I will return.
-Oh, hold on.

I'm getting a call
from Margot Adler.

-Um, Gorgo, Mormo, you want
to help me with this knot?

-This is the weirdest
"Big Valley" ever.

-Uh, I wish I brought a change
of pants on this trip.

They're all crunchy.

-Oh, what is
keeping me up tonight?

I had a cup of tea at dinner.

Oh, right,
Grandma mutilated a cop!

That would do it.

-Well, I'm going to go puke
on the Maverick.

-Okay, everyone,
hold on just a second.

I just want to see
if he gets his shoes on, yes,

yes, great,
glad they showed that to us.

-God, where did they find
the 590-watt light bulb.

-I actually need
something meat hooked.

I'm going to go see
if Grandma is up.

[Footsteps]

-Yep, I still think he has
those shoes on, you guys.

I can hear them.
-Good.

-Yeah, good.

-I'm going to keep my eye
on that situation.

-Thanks, Mike.
-I'll let you know.

-Okay.
-Oh, hey, look!

Grannies do swing on
the outhouse door

without their nighties!

-Ah, he's got the shoes
on here.

This is good, yeah.

A little bit of redundancy
on the shoes is good, Mike.

I'm going to back
you up on this.

-Thanks.

You know, unless there is
a change,

I think we can just assume he's
wearing the shoes from now on.

-Yeah, yeah, good.

-Maybe this was
once fast-paced,

and someone spilled a Grape Nehion it, and it got all gummy.

-Maybe.
-I realized we hadn't had

a stuttering conversation
for several hours.

-Hmm?

-He rejoices in spilled blood
and the baying of dogs.

-Marilyn Manson?
-He is Gorgo and Mormo.

-And Joe.
-Stop it.

-If you can hang on a sec,
I'm about to say something.

-Jody, you turned down
the road yesterday

because you wanted to see
what was at the other end.

-Just like that chicken.

-Well, now you've seen it,
but you won't believe it.

-I can't.
-Not can't, won't.

-Ah.
-You won't believe in the devil

because you're afraid if you
believe in him, he'll be real.

-It's like when you wouldn't
believe in peanut butter.

-He is real.

I heard him.

I felt him inside me.

-That was acid reflux.
-It's not true.

-Face it.
-Aw.

-I've had to.

Do you think I like it?

Do you think I've enjoyed
all these years

with the devil's spirit
inside me?

-Sure, we've had some laughs.

-It happened, Jody,
just like in your dream.

-That dream was coincidence.
-Is it a coincidence

that I know
they sang a hymn in your dream.

The good Christians sang
a good Christian song

while they were
burning my sister.

-And they didn't even have
a youth-horn section.

-♪ Amazing grace

-♪ And chalk

-♪ How sweet the sound

♪ That saved a wretch like me

♪ Public domain
We don't have to pay anyone ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha

-What are you doing to me?

-It's that witchcraft,
wicked witchcraft!

-Why is it so important that I
believe in this devil of yours?

-Well, I get
a commission, so...

-Because you can save me.

I've got a sickness
in me, Jody.

-I've got occasional
devil worship.

-You can free me from it

but not unless you
believe it exists.

-Aren't there any Jesuits
in the phone book?

Come on.
-How can I help you?

-What can I, a single puss, do?

-By believing what
I've told you...

-Mm-hmm.

-...and what I'm going
to tell you...

-Let me pause to drench
my next line in meaning.

-I want to help you.
-But I'm really busy right now.

-I love you.

-And I've grown awfully fond
of your grandma.

-May I touch your sideburn?

-Then hear the rest of it.
-I want to help you.

-Consarn it, breaking up my
dagnabbit contract with Satan!

-Oh, wow, Poopdeck Pappy
getting all upset here.

-They turned me down
for that policy!

They said it couldn't happen!

-I want, want, want,
want, want, want to help you.

-No!
-Ha ha, I told you

I could take you, you pansies!

I could take the whole family!
-Wow.

♪♪

-Wow.
-I can't believe I have

to wash Satan's towels.

-Melissa...

-Crossroads seem
to come and go.

-...if all this were true,
that would make you

127 years old.
-Yes.

-Man, she's getting into
Strom Thurmond country.

-Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding,

ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, that's the train

going through the pause.

-Is it still the same pause,

or is it
technically a sub-pause?

-Even if it were true,
I'd love you anyway.

-I mean, I'd put you
in a home, but...

-Ugh.

-Hey, John Quincy Adams.

-Lucinda!
-Wow.

-Run, Jody.

-Grandma used to work
for the LAPD.

-Witch, oh.
-Whoops.

-Oh, no!
-Be gone, witch!

Burn!

-Oh, and Grandma
had just gotten a job

as a greeter at Walmart.
-Oh!

♪ Amazing grace

-Hey, Mike, what were you guys
doing there in the '70s...

-Yeah.
-...making witch movies,

inhaling huge clouds
of marijuana...

-What's your deal?
-...big ugly flared pants on.

-We had to do something.

♪ That saved a wretch like me

-Melissa, come on!
-Oh, she'll be fine!

Come on!

♪ I once was lost

-You know,
when you're that age,

you're just ready
to go right up.

The slightest spark
can get it going.

Let me tell you.

♪ Was blind but now I see

-Aw, now she's
Melissa Noshed Strickland.

-Man, never let Edie Sedgwick
borrow your lake cabin.

♪ Amazing grace

-I've done it, no good.

-Oh, Grandma must have exploded
or something.

-Man.

♪ How sweet the sound

♪ That saved a wretch like me

-Grandma's flash-paper bathrobe
turned out to be a mistake.

♪ I once was lost

-Oh, if the septic tank
goes up, we're all in trouble.

♪ But now I am found

♪ Was blind

-In the wake of the tragedy,
the town

built a better
grandma, stronger,

with a steel frame
and a sprinkler system.

[Dove cooing]

-Now I just have to watch out
for my other grandma.

She's really crazy.

-Oh, oh, oh, you think
I want to do saliva?

Is that why you did that?

Ugh.

-Hmm, not worth it, sorry,
I had fun though.

See you.

-Can you not French my daughter
during breakfast?

-Goodbye, sir.

Thank you for trusting me now.

I'll keep my word.

-I'll tell no one of your
back-sweat problem.

-Well, let's lock you back
in the barn.

-I'll walk out to the car
with you.

-Could you drop me off
at Tanglewood?

I'm conducting Mahler's
10th this weekend.

-Get the lens more.
We need more light, more!

-I see Grandma
behind that tree.

You might want to make
a run for it.

-I just wanted to ask you while
we're away from all the others,

Do you think we're weird at all?

-It's all true, you know,
everything she told you.

-I'm sorry, sir.
I can't believe that,

and I can't believe she's
possessed by the devil either.

-I suppose not.
-Whatever.

-Be careful.

Goodbye, Jody.
-Goodbye, sir.

-Oh, and don't join
Al Pacino's law firm.

Heh- heh
Whew.

-May the dark one hold
your soul in his clutch --

I mean, safe trip.

-Yo.

-Man, nice kid, eh,

the bomb should go off
in a couple of minutes.

♪♪

-Ah, Fritz Kreisler used

to wear
a striped shirt like that.

-Hmm, oh, I've got so many
walnut husks in my teeth.

-Well, I should say goodbye
to the fish I suppose.

-Where the heck is
that village smithy?

-I am hungry,
but I can't go back

to the grocery store
after that "zah" incident.

♪♪

-Wow, look at the smoke.

Everybody must be
burning their grandmas today.

♪♪

-Hey, I ran out of gas.
Heh-heh.

I'm kind of a wolfwhen I'm alone with myself, yep.

-Hey, the odometer
is all sixes.

♪♪

-Wait a minute.
Where is my immortal soul?

Crap, I left it back
at the farm.

-Oh, we're back
at the beginning.

This film is a Mobius strip.

-Yeah.

♪♪

-My fish moved and different
leave a forwarding address.

-See, I don't get
how they build this

as a rollicking musical.

-No.

-The only known shots
of bigfoot in a T-shirt.

-Come.

Sit in the crotch,
you know, the tree.

-Raw.
-I love you, Melissa.

-Almost as much as I love
wide-wale corduroys.

-It doesn't matter that
the devil is in your soul.

-Oh, look familiar, Mike?
-Hey.

-I love you.
-Uh, are you blowing me off,

or is this just
one of our pauses?

-Our next pause is going
to be this big.

-Ready?
Wrestle!

♪♪

-The devil just happens
to be peeking out of

her mouth right now.
-Hey, get out of there!

-Well, the dates are easy
without Grandma

clubbing him to death.

♪♪

-Huh?

Man, I thought
I was an operator.

-He's fast.
-Whoa.

-You know, my mom used
to have a little saying.

It's just as easy
to fall in love

with a woman who's
not possessed by the devil.

-Mm-hmm.
-Right.

-I have one chest hair.

-Okay, kids,
the picnic is this way.

What?
Ah!

-Ah!
-You freed me.

-I've turned into Gloria Stuart
at last.

-I love you, Melissa.

-Oh.
-I do love you.

-But why are you
sanding my shoulder?

-Oh, you seem to have some sort
of tarp on your hand.

-You see, you're going to have
to expect a little of this

when your bride is Satan.
-Oh, yeah, I should know.

-What's wrong?
-Your face.

-Well, what's wrong
with my face?

-Oh, nothing if you
like Eubie Blake.

-Oh, my God.
-I've become Sigourney Weaver.

-He cheated me.
He never told me.

-Man, if you can't
trust the devil.

-Yeah.
-Jody, I -- I'm going to die.

-No.
-You're 127 years young.

-There's a way.
-No.

-No.
-Jody, not that way.

-What would you have of me?
-Don't let her die.

I love her.
-Whoa, boy, no, I don't.

-Will you accept me
as your master?

-Yes.
-No, no.

-Then save her.
-Morally save her.

-Hit him.
-Quickly now, save her.

-Well, I guess that's what
I was calling you for, devil.

♪♪

-Oh.

-I should have asked the devil
to throw

in some other modifications
while I was at it.

♪♪

-Good, so we're both
in the clutches of the devil

because you wanted seconds.

-And they drift apart
after 3 weeks.

-Uh, we're going to have
illiterate jackals

in 9 months, you know.

-This is a good pause
we're having, eh?

-Yeah, I'm guessing this guy
is going to be

a fairly minor soldier
in the devil's army.

-Yeah, probably have a tiny
picture in hell's newsletter.

-Yeah.

-Well, they better book
a hall in hell

for their unholy wedding.

It's like a year wait.
-Yep.

-Oh, I don't know.
I don't trust this, Mike.

I think this is just
the longest pause yet.

-Okay.

-So in the end,
Satan wins I guess.

-Yep, pretty much
a shutout for Satan.

-Yep.

-Ah, the devil!
-Oh, look out!

-Ah!
-Ah!

-Let's get out of here.

♪♪

[Doors closing]

-Sweet deal, hey, hey, Mike,
I just sold myself to Satan.

-Oh, you did?

-Uh, yeah, so I'm probably
going to have lots

of unfathomable
worldly power real soon,

and I thought I'd give you
the heads-up on that.

-Oh, that's real thoughtful
of you.

Thanks, Crow.

-Yep, got a contract
right here from Satan.

-Let me see that.

-Shall take possession
of his mortal soul,

yeah, that all scans.

Oh, uh, but look at this,
a little mistake here.

It looks like you sold your soulto Stan, not Satan.

-Huh.
-Yeah.

-Well, there's a number there.

Would you mind
calling it please?

-Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

-Wow.
-Yeah, see this?

This isn't even the area code
for hell, so...

-Ah.
-Yep.

-Yellow, Stan Johnson?
-Ah, see, there you go.

Hi, uh, Stan, this is,
uh, Mike Nelson.

You're not by any chance
the Devil, are you?

-Uh, nope.

I'm a CPA
and investment consultant.

-Damn.
-Ah, yeah.

Hey, I'm calling on behalf
of Crow T. Robot.

-Oh, right, little skinny
gold guy, kind of bug-eyed?

Sure.

-Got it.
-Yeah, that's the guy.

Hey, did you buy his soul?
-Yes, I did.

I manage a well-balanced
portfolio of souls.

They can be very high-yield.
-Um, um, Stan, this is Crow.

When can I get my soul back?

Is that possible or...
-Oh, I'm sorry.

I resold your soul
already to Citicorp

in a big block of souls.

-Ah, man, I am going to have
to make so many phone calls

go get my soul back.
-Oh, man.

Oh, and Pearl's babysitter
is calling.

-Phew.
-Hello?

-Be with you in a minute.
-Almost finished story time,

then everyone goes to sleep.

-Um, can I come out now?
-Shush!

Bad dog!
Go to sleep!

-Okay.
-Now, where was I, Brian?

-Oh, uh, the tall fellow
was repeatedly refusing

to ingest
green eggs and ham.

The short fellow was
bizarrely insistent upon it.

-Yes, very good.
-Yeah.

-"I will not eat them
in a plane.

I will not eat them on a train."-"On a train," right.

You know, why doesn't
he just leave him alone?

He has pointedly made his
refusal to eat this dish clear.

The mere hypothetical changing
of a location

is irrelevant and tedious,
and --

and that Sam I Am is so bloody
repetitive, I could scream!

-Are we a little cranky, Brian?
-No, madam.

I am overtired,
so I shall turn in now,

so if you wouldn't mind,
please, my blankie,

my nookie, and my friend.

Ah, thank you kindly.

Good morrow to you.

-Nighty night.
-Well, now, me, uh,

I'd definitely
eat them on a train.

There's no doubt about that.
-Quiet! No bark!

-It'd be delicious on a train,
but a plane,

I'd have to think about a plane.

Maybe substitute bacon for ham.

That sounds kind of nice,
and we could have a...

Oh, boy.

-No bark!
-I'm not barking.

I was just talking.
Ooh!

I'm commenting on the story!

There's no barking involved
at all!

-No!
No bark!

-Ow!

-No, I'm not sure
you see my point.

Here, it's like this.

Rather than barking,
as you assumed,

I was actually...
Oh, come on!

I'm --I'm talking, not...
Oh!

-No!
-Ow!

-No bark!
-Ow!

I'm not barking!
I'm... Ow...

-Bad dog!
-...articulating, and...

Oh, jeez!
Ow, ow!

-Bad, dog!
-Ow, stop it!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-This is where the fish
lives.