Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 10, Episode 3 - The Pumaman - full transcript

[Music]

mike nelson and his robot pals are

caught in an endless chase

pursued by a woman whose name is pearl

an evil gal who wants to rule the world

she threw a few things in her purse

[Music]

he'll try to keep his sanity with the

help of his robot friends

robot rules

[Music]

and other science facts

just repeat to yourself it's just a show

i should really just relax

oh mystery science theater

3000.

[Music]

[Music]

hi everyone mike nelson here on

satellite lab

hey man oh hey sir what are you saying

i'm short huh

no i was gonna ask where you been oh

well i had karate and i swung by the gym

to lift because i had some extra time

before picking up my hot new girlfriend

christy who will most likely wear her

thong if she clings to me in the back of

my harley yeah

yeah we're gonna make out in public a

little servo you look different hey hey

you've got lifts in your hover skirt

don't you watch what you're saying there

- man you do you have lips and your hovers
- scared all right that's it

tom i'm afraid you've got short man's

disease okay it's the tendency for

height-challenged males to

overcompensate for a perceived lack of

- monkeys so what are you saying i'm short
- huh yeah i'm i'm afraid that is implicit

no problem though we just rub a little

baby

no no no no no no no

that's better we'll be right back can i

keep my dump chucks we'll see honey

violet shrimp little baby short man

we'll see

[Music]

well how's your courageous battle with

short man's disease oh

i'm over that turns out i'm not even

short

right huh

well uh how about your face servo does

your face hurt uh no why because it's

killing me

really oh geez i'm sorry crow i'll have

that checked right away no never mind

let's see what pearl and them want just

ruined my joke why don't you

how nice to see you nail kirk i only

have a moment i'm expecting everyone for

the ball isn't it marvelous everyone

simply everyone is invited to my ball

except um let's see except

michael j nelson croti robot gypsy and a

tim

servo

i'm dreadfully sorry there just wasn't

enough room and this this is my first

ball why the walls of this castle fairly

hum with the unearthly presence of

parties past

listen

well anyway this ball shall celebrate

the triumphant return of a forester to

this dwelling of evil

well that sounds great pearl uh i hope

your party's a big success when does the

ball start

um

oh

in about

two and a half hours ago

okay i'm gonna need you guys to pretend

like you're part of the party i think

that will really draw in the rest of the

guests

so come on

- mingle make it look like you're having
- fun

what a marvelous anecdote so how do you

know pearl uh well she's got me trapped

up here actually really how awful for

you say mike you're gonna introduce me

to your purple friend here don't you

dare nelson oh i say everyone everyone

let's play sherrods in the

baby you got to go

she's glorious oh forget it you couldn't

mingle your way out of a wet paper bag

if it was perfect

what you must get ready for the ball it

it might be gonna start soon thanks

anyway pearl but i'm just gonna stay in

tonight it worked everyone they're here

everyone this way ortega i invited

ortega over tonight to watch sliders in

my room we won't get in your way

[Music]

no

thank you ortega you look

gravishing too oh right this way you

guys

this is ortega's cousin stacy and her

boyfriend brian

this is uh

so anyway we won't get in your hair come

on you guys brian

yeah i hope we won't disturb you with

all the fun we'll be having

okay you kids you're gonna watch a movie

while pearl has company

it's puma man and no coming downstairs

during pearl's party oh by the way pearl

if anyone else should happen to swing by

just point them back to my room

thanks a lot

of course

more canadians i'm eating these things

faster than i can turn around

[Laughter]

oh crap i got bean dip all over my new

silk organza tools strapless dotted

oh what else is gonna go wrong

[Music]

wow carson's fighting me

[Music]

gave himself such a peppy name

oh okay okay listen you guys an ancient

aztec legend tells of a god yeah yeah

- you send to earth from the stars and you
- know what i've heard this song

it's a good one

[Music]

wow the aliens really cherried out their

spaceship christmas ornaments of the

gods

hot bath sphere action

no one knows who they were or what they

were doing

i speak to all humanity can you hear me

in the back with this mask

i will always be with you oh that'll be

fun my son will be its custodian

as will be the sons of his son well

gotta go

through the ages

he will have the powers of a man

the powers of a puma and the power of

bleach the puma does that sound right

i think that's what i mean to say

now it just sounds funny

well there's a couple of aztec names for

you

oh that puman

copyright 1462.

what is that i think you need to study a

roman numeral

tonight on a very special touched by a

puma man

now the little hand towels are for our

guest star

ah a bunch of hairy guys and thongs sat

down and wrote a screenplay

with randall tex cobb as the mask

oh he's the council gary of the sport

[Music]

or michael billingsley

at least this movie will have nice

shoes

back back back it's a home run

well someone seems to have gilded you

- and that's what's causing your skin
- problems

ah i can't help but feel that you're

staring at me

die aunt die

there's something wrong with this mirror

well jane are you getting serious do you

think you can decipher it

ah if you need your toast buttered ma'am

i'm your man

yes it's an aztec inscription about a

man with the blood of a god in its veins

who comes from outer space georgette

relic hunter

a puma man i guess what i meant was are

you gonna type those letters

i also serve as a napkin holder ma'am if

you need that

[Music]

please

continue it's fascinating

it's a curse it says the f word

are they all trying to make weight

whoever desecrates

the puma god image will in turn

be destroyed by the living puma man

that's ridiculous

it's just a legend i'm confused now i'm

happy sometimes there is more truth in

legend than in history and there's more

salt in ham than in turkey

so the crust can strike you too

i always prefer to strike first well i

hope that striking first thing works out

real good for you

idol's got a fanny pack

intel inside

incredible

a 3 000 year old find oh boy it conceals

unthinkable technology we got to hire a

brunette

but this is proof of an outer space

presence in our history she said that

about waffles it's an incredible

discovery an egg oh it's donal pleasant

we must inform the press that is not for

you to decide that's cheryl lads

department

you can't hide this

- who is to prevent me a halfway smart guy
- with muscles and hair

miss stepson would you gift wrap this

for us

[Music]

hit me with your best slap shot your

mind did you put an aspirin in my [ __ ]

and your will

oh to control the will game again

belong to me i have a receipt

forever i think controlling your will

might involve slow gin in a trans am

uh-oh hey oh did somebody put on leaded

in this thing

yeah this is what it's like when i put

my contacts on inside out

hey telekinetic book dumping go now

and

obey get me a soda pop and a caramelo

it's s m day at the field museum

[Music]

oh let me try let me try

uh who did we get this from is there a

card with this

oh is halftime over what's the score

over there

i am the supermodel of christmas past

it's basically an old baby

[Music]

we make slaves of men with this mask and

we'll rule fish too we'll dominate the

world

who can stop us with my brains and your

beauty the humor man puma man actually

we must find him then we'll lock him in

a pet taxi

and kill him or send him a cease and

desist letter

[Music]

hey look big

the downsizing steve

the brig laguna's london special

call our 900 number and vote

[Music]

the new big bird action ware

i'm supposed to be in bio lab

[Music]

how much patchouli do you need

ted cassidy in his most sensitive role

yet

he's got a great butt

this is where cher stores are discarded

ribs

[Applause]

yes and i'm also aware i'm not supposed

to work out during museum hours

and now a word from my sponsor

what's the matter if you're sick

no

i get this way when i sense danger or

when i eat a sack of white castles

well you've sensed rightly

you're in danger of being fired i don't

care i'll work in my uncle's natural

history museum down the block

you you you non-british guy

[Music]

fluffy seems to be eating less and less

and getting thinner and thinner

yeah who am i kidding i can't build a

cat

[Music]

a sweater that says i've read the works

of alan alda

[Music]

i'm looking for something in a phone

- maybe a female pelvis sack of patellas
- maybe

you're you're not going to pour molten

gold down my throat are you

[Music]

all right pencils down class

the dry look from gillette

oh

shot lifting a hip bone for his grandma

yeah this is why 7-elevens allow no more

than three aztecs at one time

i want to tell mr weatherby

[Music]

hey hey that was my scapula i just took

it out to air dry

now he takes out a personal ad saw you

in museum you took phone i chased you

hey

sorry

[Music]

i'm fine i used up a perfectly good

pants wedding for that

oh how am i ever gonna get back in there

this is hopeless i should just go home

yep he can sense danger a post-it note

can sense danger better than this guy

[Music]

ah i'll duck into willa cather's

ancestral

is that home i were a rich man on heart

support i believe it was

i'm still not something danger

is this about the pens i took

you the guy who's been writing

anti-aztec stuff on the bathroom walls

anthony robbins

you are the puma man actually he's john

davidson man

just gonna edge the lawn real quick here

this always happens people throw me out

the window tell me i'm puma man then

leave

um

[Music]

you hear my mighty roar

i'm gonna tell my boss i'm puma man

maybe he'll let me off early

puma man well i sure hope you don't see

this guy go into heat at some point

sorry

professor where are the fey done away

auditions

did a dinosaur get away

no but he sure looked like one

you're hunting him down with that club

- look i don't have any change leave me
- alone

um

tell me are we meeting in a dream

[Music]

i don't think so

then it's really true i fell from the

third floor my hair looks great aren't

you hurt

no just a little confused hey a

see-through hat my name's jane dobson

and i'd like to consult you about a

brief thesis on the mesozoic era

well if you're asking me how flying

relates to man's evolution i don't know

we're a fun couple aren't we

do we have to discuss this here

is that a proposition yeah

no it's an invitation to my house

tonight

my father's having a couple of friends

over and i was wondering if you could

join us

i've i've got all my books there and it

would be easier this is the address oh

wait that's my recipe for oil an

invitation to the dutch embassy

is that scary

uh-huh the dutch are mean i'll try to

overcome it my father's the ambassador

okay

i'll even bring my ceremonial club

now that's gotta be a proposition

see you tonight

nine o'clock someone will show you where

to park the cars

zumba's top of the lab coat and a veil

and it works

and this is from the missing persons

collection

i'm a wood sprite

she in mourning for her turtle is that

why the hat

mentos the fresh maker

i've reconsidered i don't want you to

come to my party i've contacted tony

farms

there's a high probability it's him

did you carry out my orders yes sir

you'd come to my house for dinner

tonight

i don't have to listen to that

we got our paychecks in today sir

everything coincides sir looks like we

found the right man

fine ranker yeah

i do hope so

if only for the sake of the others i

hope to be as bald as you someday sir

well we better sponge out our outfits

i want to say mass if you want to hang

around

well get over here and pick out a wig

and let's go trick-or-treating

pleasant mobile away

listen to me dobson

everything is as planned for this

evening but there is one slight

alteration the party tray is coming from

subway i shall be at your house myself

why would you have a bust of ronnie in

your home

dismiss the servants

i don't want any strangers interfering

it's kind of a noticeable tick

parachute slash bow tie

damn clapper geez

david bernie is the aramis man and wait

until dark

there's cherry kool-aid in my saline

bottle

honestly the pictures your boudoir shots

turned out great

now plunger him senseless

[Music]

no one interrupts my prom preparations

every room in this hotel comes with an

aztec

you see in the dark

you fall like a cat

you are the puma man

no i'm a madman and i'll smash your head

in if you take one more step poor man

does not kill my people

he doesn't but i do now get out of here

you can chase me away

but not the blood in your veins

your father saw in the dark your father

jumped in the air

your father protected my people

my father was a physician

the only people he protected were his

patients

a doctor here

but a great puma man in the under

plateau oh yeah he was for a couple

years you're a crazy criminal but this

is the last time you go around throwing

people out of windows

before you call the police caress

i'm a representative of ass technologies

definitive proof that he has a copy of

that picture

you were only a boy at the time then you

were a girl and then you were a boy

again

i did not need to kill to find you i

kill for fun who are you anyway my name

is vadinyo i'm an onion i'm the high

priest of the temple of the god who came

from other worlds

what do you want from me

i came to give you this whoa hey

it belonged to your father

with this

you will have all the powers he did for

your money back

i will teach you to use them

put it on

i said put it on the hell with putting

it on can you imagine me showing up at

the dobson's wearing something like that

look what you're wearing now i mean

i say put it on and you say put it um

you put it on okay pal okay take it easy

i hate it when aztecs force themselves

into your hotel room and make you try on

belts

wow look at all the fara faucet posters

hey where's your phone i want to check

my aztec messages

[Music]

come in nanites hey spike what are you

doing oh i'm going to get a hair point

with the nana it's thinking of getting

that dry look like the guy in the puma

movie mike your sense of style as always

is unerring go for it you turkey

hey can i help you

oh yeah i had a hair appointment for now

oh hi mike

are we gonna do the same as last time or

oh uh well hi shelly uh no offense but

you know last time you made my hair like

70 miles high so i was wondering if any

of the other stylists were available you

know deca or john dell

oh

i see

i understand

great because you know i don't mean to

they're all busy i just checked it's

just me now what do you want

whoa

uh well if i could uh

get the uh the dry look if it's not too

much trouble

travel why would it be any trouble it's

no trouble at all

so you've got that day off today or do

you live around here or is it pretty

nice out this day or here you're done

the dry look

well uh thanks shelly i hope i didn't

offend you

so sensitive man mike i think she might

have went just a little too dry ah what

are you talking about i'm sure it's out

oh well maybe she went a little heavy on

the moose but once i shower i'm sure

it'll be fine we'll be right back you

know if we can just redirect a river

onto your head i think we could salvage

it so you like it

[Music]

father

i'd like to introduce you to professor

farms the paleontologist i spoke so much

to you about welcome professor thank you

these are some old guys sir george

bradley of the energy ministry

sir john forbes askwith

sir michael robinson minister of wattles

where's the keg

we're here to pick up our grammys

um

i'm afraid i ran over your dog in the

driveway

my name is pleasants and i am funky

it's better than when he wore his little

black dress i suppose

battle of the network eye bags

[Music]

oh no they're going to start tangoing

i'm sorry this is a no english has been

party

what kind of party clown are you i'm not

paying for this

yep donald room clearer pleasant

it's my irritable bowel syndrome isn't

it

[Music]

with mitchum i can skip a day

[Music]

sugar frosted eyes

i was supposed to bring an appetizer

wasn't i

well who's for foosball

another one of my father's very

important friends oh i thought it was

your aunt

[Music]

what's the matter i'm bored

i don't know

i get this way when i sense some sort of

danger or some sort of breast

with me

what could be dangerous wearing

loose-fitting clothing around a power

take-off could be dangerous

your charm perhaps

you're not doing so badly yourself for a

paleontologist

well i'm from the neanderthal school and

occasionally my primitive instincts pop

up you want to go and circle a mammoth

later

you're sounding much better professor

you make me feel like i'm still in the

museum

why don't you just call me tony

okay

tony let me show you the way out

please don't come back

this is where i keep all my books

so

dinosaurs became extinct because they no

longer knew how to love each other

is that correct the wrong kind of way

sure exactly

and i certainly wouldn't want our

species then the same way all aboard

that's the best biological blackmail

i've ever heard

but mike this is called kissing maybe

you can try this with someone someday

well thanks maybe hey

i hate your crotch

all right disco fighting

[Music]

man the dutch embassy's neighbors must

always be calling the cops

tiny halls for the narrow shouldered

among us

great late for tap class

ironic he looks like a waiter and he's

dumb

al pacino's elevator

apparently the house capsized and he and

- shelly winters have to climb up through
- the basement

man i gotta get that order out to table

six why is the kitchen so far from the

dining room he's in an attic uh attica

attica attica attica

he's gonna write puma man rules on the

wall

thank goodness they made their house out

of peanut riddle

so basically a mild rain could take out

that roof

well it's my favorite ball i will not

lose it

man there's a lot of reindeer crap up

here like an idiot on the roof

spends the next three hours running from

edge to edge

[Music]

here here's a garter snake for you

the world's most persistent belt sails

there lower yourself down with that

put it on then what jump i'll be killed

put it on and then get killed

well you know my mom had a pair of

earrings that did the exact same thing

no i mean you look great really

[Music]

idiot jump now

i'm not a bird

[Music]

first thing he does is poop on my car

look out for the oh boy right into the

propeller

[Music]

i gave him the captain dork costume by

mistake

he has the power to rear project major

cities

now a bird gets sucked into his engine

and he goes down immediately yeah

they'll find his black box in here

you hate to be picky but pumas aren't

really known for flying i don't think

look twiggy

and he immediately uses his powers for

peeping

[Applause]

thank you

you do not abandon i kiss my frog in

your honor

snap

okay why don't you give me that belt

back i'm gonna give it to somebody else

are you convinced now

i don't know what's going on

i'm afraid to move

you do not fly but your mind does yeah

- thanks castaneda you are afraid but the
- other you isn't the other who cindy lou

who

don't tell me the truth for dino

who am i you have the blood of the gods

coming from other worlds oh god blood

it's hard to get out

you are the puma man

it's not possible

it's not possible we're out of triscuits

that wasn't a man it was a cat jumping

finally we found him mr rice now the

only task is to kill him

and that's the easiest job of all the

hardest dog is growing hair

yeah have another beer honey

look i let that creepy paleontologist

kiss me his lips are all over me

we're almost there

we're about to turn around

you're ready to go into action um good

buddy

[Music]

shake it

shake it

driving donald pleasant around yeah

shake it

scoliosis man here

jack please

gods are dragging him by the elastic in

his bvd

kirby the love silver shadow

so pleasants and his thugs are just

spinning cookies on a construction site

great the gods got me in a holding

pattern here

[Music]

oh i sense danger

a criminal genetically drawn to

construction site

whoa his pants came clean off

[Music]

don't lose your footing i mean flying

power

[Music]

i can see the same thing only it's

really red

[Music]

jetsons are flying overhead

hey guys look at me i'm gonna jump watch

oh my ankles

it's too much mustache he's pushing the

envelope

he's disappeared we can't see him

anymore

idiots get off my lap

get moving comb the area

find him

kill him donald's only used for the word

comb

sam elliot is ted turner in the gregory

pack story

you know this is nice i'm going to break

out of the racket and open a little pie

place here

yay

[Music]

i want to know where cobras is hiding

the mask i don't know tell me or i'll

drop you you idiot what do you think is

going to happen if you shoot me you'll

die right

let's see what would happen to you

help i'm falling at a 60 degree angle

breaking all the laws of physics

are you going to cooperate or do you

want to end up like the gun

put me down not until you talk

i don't know anything i get my orders

from rocco

where's the hideout

it's a shaker's ball only a few people

now

you're not one of them right

then we have nothing to talk about

bye pal

ah i'll tell you

my mustache makes me fall sideways

it's in a mansion

i swear in a mansion but i don't know

where

no one has ever been there remembers it

really

everyone who goes there doesn't talk so

no one who doesn't go there doesn't not

talk they can't remember anything

they can't remember anything i swear

i swear would you stop holding me by my

nipples

[Music]

what are you doing

ah

don't leave me hanging here tell me who

shot j.r come on

come back

oh the gods are snuggies

dwarf on rituals

you having a cow flop

they protected you yeah

you didn't help me find out where cobras

is hiding the mask it's in a mansion

that's all i could find out fine

what do you mean fine you know how many

- mansions there are in london probably
- like a billion i said fine you can find

it

you must learn new powers

all you do is concentrate

here

no we go home

so they can get us they'll be waiting

there for me they're probably worrying

right now because i'm late i'm afraid

something happened to me or puma is also

known for their whining follow me

i'm gonna kill you over here

puma man liberace with docker

[Music]

we'll never get along

that's where i almost lost my virginity

over there

[Music]

i planes weenie

[Music]

what's this supposed to be my refuge

it fits your proportions you have a

small whiny warehouse for me

is this where you sleep would you kill a

pig here what is this how do you sleep

on that are you poor ooh

how one sleeps does not matter

how one wakes up is important

neil uh the name's tony actually are you

sure they're up there listening to you

of course

and are they powerful

absolutely then why don't they give us a

hand

they always do

only we do not usually know it

you know it now

neil no tony remember right oh oh

make silence in you

leave all material things behind all my

fabric

become part of the cosmos billions and

billions of puma men concentrate your

mind on the image of the god puma

have you done this brother i'm sorry i

wasn't listening yes

good

now think hard of that mansion

concentrate you will find it can't get

the pina colada song out of my head and

now prepare

you must take the great trip we're going

to grandma's dive into the nothingness

watch mtv

return to the surface

where the sacred mask is

how is that possible

everything is possible for the mind well

most minds concentrate

you must have faith in your powers

in your heart in your ropey little arms

if you want to

you will travel

go

no not that kind of go

[Applause]

[Music]

prepare the effeminate mobile

[Music]

yes yes yes yes hi guys what's up you

are the one the gods have picked you you

are kawatamundi man and it is time to

don your hero's costume your kawatamundi

look will inspire fear in the

superstitious criminal mind okay well

i'll give it a whirl you know if i've

been chosen and all right evil beware

koat moonly man is born this day ah okay

i'll just put on my stuff you've got

kind of a rhoda vest going here it looks

like and

oh

yes and with all the attendant powers of

this majestic kawatamundi for instance

um uh

yeah yeah and for example uh well uh

well you can uh shoot uh magnetic uh

laser beams from your uh from your nose

yeah yeah yes yes and now he is the

mighty yet mysterious koat moon ah his

powers are yours it is your destiny

okay well

you know what destiny or not you guys i

really had my heart set on those cold

leftover sesame noodles so uh i'll be

your mythical hero later okay but wait

don't you hear your inspiring hero's

theme song is playing listen oh and see

the gods are coming from space to tell

you you must serve or evil will triumph

oh well i see a uh beach ball and a

string and a string and a pulley and

then there's gypsy hey gypsy i'm sorry

that's all right she's doing the will of

the gods pay no attention to her uh well

you know what hey dips i really am going

to grab those noodles you want to split

them with me yummy okay let's go oh

there goes our gods

well uh it would appear that he is not

yet ready to accept his koat modi nature

- yes and the gods are certainly uh
- and the gods will be the man they're

going to finish all the cold sesame

noodles let's go yeah

[Music]

you made all the sesame noodles didn't

you

all gone

[Music]

my homework is really hard

excuse me coming through

[Music]

i need a couple of bucks to make rent

help

help me vidinio

[Music]

you have cats oh no that's me

but you take that off

look just don't use the holodeck anymore

huh if you don't know how to use it

thank you guy who lives on the second

floor

you're pretty

did you find it

no what are you doing i thought you were

gonna find it i mean it's okay i just i

thought you were gonna find i learned

that i can only project myself to a

place that i know

i have to know exactly where i want to

go

otherwise i'll get lost in the

- nothingness so it's off to hooters then
- we are no closer so you whizzed it

listen

are you a kind of onion

is finding the mass the only way

yes

if we do not succeed terrible things

will happen gods will give you the wet

look

they have lost their connection the

network is down

the mask is serving evil

can't they do anything from up there

man is free

man is master of himself man sounds cool

but if they come

man is no longer free man can get pricey

you must concentrate

you will find the solution in your mind

i think we saw the limits of his mind

just a few minutes ago

let's not be roommates anymore okay

i'm thinking of having my chin smiling

i'm in the fire truck for usa up all

night

soundtrack by my little brother's cassio

[Music]

i keep dreaming of a little man in a

tiny car

die

where did you come from out there

what sort of a story is that i'm the

poor man

excuse me somebody out of a comic strip

i never heard of him he didn't

materialize until yesterday what are you

getting anything out of it mostly

trouble

i told you tony if you want adventure

why don't you join up with us it's all

the sports you can take high jump low

jump you get a free sauna at the end of

it i'll keep that in mind martin but in

the meantime you wouldn't happen to have

a transmitter and receiver to lend me

would you i mean a position indicator

yeah hey an old donut back here

who's the pacemaker thanks for letting

me borrow it

how does it work

closer you get the more constantly

over what range

up to two miles

okay if you slow down i'll get out we're

here no i'm going the other way

what did you say you do the sandwich man

no the puma man that's a whole different

bag what are you advertising men from

outer space

he is the poor man he can get out of the

car going three miles an hour

the queen

a steering column plunged through his

chest that's great

ball's controlling me bladder sorry mate

[Music]

you have the jaws of life aren't you

i have a good mind to join a marching

[Music]

oh band am i gonna get another personal

fire truck

[Music]

oh i did deserve all those beatings as a

child

cupid

[Music]

here he comes light the candles

he's trying to net some tuna and we got

this thing

[Music]

he's playing with mommy's lipstick

[Music]

don't come in tony

eat this baguette eat it

[Music]

[Music]

more ketchup please don't worry about me

watch out

this is trolling motor on there

[Music]

i think he officially bonked them

[Music]

beat me fine but to drape a net on me

and then they snagged on me and called

me prince valiant and said i had a

stupid fakey religion

[Applause]

don't let them net me

save yourself

disappear

please do it

do the hustle

score it's good

into this piece of drywall

[Music]

he's just doing a slow routine

[Music]

dead okay

i don't even think he knows these guys

are here just playing around

i love stephanie maymon

and 10 to 12 hours they should be out of

ammo

just want to check your axe out here

so this lousy movie ruins a perfectly

good jaguar

all right what's going on

the archangel dwayne

tony you have power in your hands

your hands are cool all right i forgot

to tell you about that

these poor guys aren't even the villains

they just came to get some stuff out of

their used story

- well time to drop in on the super bowl
- at halftime

meanwhile in georgie girl

oh she's driving the cameraman to school

snoopy

i'm just drunk it pops into old

girlfriend's car joey how'd you get here

never mind drive he said

but they'll kill you if they find you

cobras wants to kill you and they're

following me they're right behind me

never mind tell me where the mask is get

your copy at blockbuster don't ask me

that

i can't

i swear i'd like to but i can't

i'm conditioned to keep the secret just

like everyone i can't do it

try fight him fight him with your will

but my will won't

i i can't he's commanding me from a

distance amelia airhead i can't do it

tony help me

free me

something terrible is happening to me

and to everyone

help me don't leave me with a helmet or

a hat or

sorry we stopped for slurpees

there they are run

run save yourself

play your theme music and hop around

we now revisit bride's head and revisit

it

it's one of sting's cabins

[Music]

she's visiting helena bonham carter

man with those boots she has to use high

altitude baking directions

[Music]

ah mr mcgregor's about to shoot them

oh he's in defib get the crash cart stat

this is a test of the audience's

patience

think we're gonna sell a lot of these

hey a raccoon

goldfinger's riding with octopussy

i'll go mess up and you save me

meet me in the laboratory and don't ever

outdress me again

i can't believe you guys mooned us back

there

it's confirmed they brought a bundt cake

high-ranking officers

what the hell are they doing here book

club

ah my posse

let the cookie exchange begin

hey wait i don't want to sit next to

pinochet

a couple of dictators brought dictator

friends so they had to put in the leaf

time to plan the nato picnic

gentlemen

i'm so glad that you considered my house

a suitable place for this summit meeting

no i wish you'd told me i'm going to

leave you now

to make your decision

uh who wants what on your pizza

can you believe what he's wearing

i hope you brought swim trunks

seems strange that we don't know

anything about him it's not in our files

quite besides being a charming host what

credentials can this mr cobras offer us

he's unknown to our services as well

that means he's not compromised

no one else working

to elude our security this means he's so

smart he can do it

that's a distorted way of reasoning

is it distorted to ask why this summit

meeting of the heads of state of the

entire world my mint is killed on

private property it's customary to hold

this kind of meeting in reserve in

selected locations everything becomes

- less formal it's not the first time
- but does this mansion offer sufficient

guarantees

it's so great that they want to see my

cabaret act

i better get my wiener wraps out of the

oven

she has her roots black for some reason

he used to have a carny running that

ride but the salary got too much

[Music]

this will take a little bit i'm still

installing windows

do you guys like north korea i sure

don't

i'll use my powers of

looking

things

there's another meeting over there

goldfinger got mike tyson

the botany 500 man

i left the meeting on too long

now we see through a glass dumbly

[Music]

shimmy shimmy coco

we're all agreed then carrot top is the

best comic

yes much better than yahoo sirius

they tried to resell this as a hallmark

christmas special when it didn't get a

theatrical release you know

well i'm just gonna go get our water

fine gentlemen

we can go home

you will receive further instructions at

the proper time

yeah this was great we should do it

again sometime great to see you guys

let's take the scenic way back

i ran out of quarters the men who

control the destiny of the world will be

here barry diller here when the world is

mine

i alone will decide whether it is to be

war or peace

life or death stuffing or potatoes

according to the new order which i shall

establish

hey do the plantagenets have a burning

permit

they immediately slapped molly hatchet

in the tape deck you will never again

leave me for this irrational feeling you

call love

i have an assignment for you

tony farms is the puma man um

anyway toes on the line look up a little

he must die

and you shall be the one to kill him

when he comes looking for you

greet him smile at him buy him a beer

but you will be ready

take this gun i've got plenty i'll never

use it please take it

when he comes near you

shoot him can i do it tomorrow i got a

nail wrap schedule kill him

finish him off put funny things on him

- show people his butt it will be the
- greatest act of love so go to stuart

anderson's with him then sleep with him

got it

[Music]

is this a glock i see before me

it will be an act of love

from you to me

do you understand me or am i talking to

my heads here what

hey a statue of whoopi goldberg

hey sandra locks going to take the

direct approach with clint

[Music]

the slack wearing superhero

[Music]

careful you're going to clip one of the

heads

[Music]

love to love you baby

[Music]

i can fly two miles an hour

constantly out of this league man

his fortress of baltitude

lazarium featuring the music of donald

pleasance

he's the kind of guy who would stick his

tongue in a frozen flagpole twice

yeah he's just cat like his book powell

[Music]

doe blew a breaker someone must be using

the toaster

your powers are worn out

finished done completed red bear shiny

at the elbows

you cannot escape me human puma man

oh is that right

donald trump

you're just a small insignificant

human being let's human be oh no no

actually

i'm supposed to come up with a snappy

retort and i can't

this is where the little elevator really

pays off

[Music]

uh are you leaning on the switch over

there

[Music]

oh see the door is like two steps to the

right

what are those pre-fab english castles

[Music]

a puma honey if you keep your legs up

you'll go faster

[Music]

raises soybeans you must obey me

at all times he has the look of a man

who's been hit with a fish

i will destroy your palace

oh mrs english ladies

and gentlemen

[Music]

i will bunch up your package so it's

very uncomfortable

[Music]

i got a new jacket

[Music]

belong to me now i have the title to

your head

[Music]

look out below half digested fish and

chips coming down

okay okay i got it

because you are made of earth corn grows

in you and to earth you shall return

that's an odd thing to say even for him

and there goes the 25 million

restoration of westminster abbey

[Music]

he lost his inherent puma tuck pointing

skills

[Applause]

puma man

hey look he's re-fenestrating see

do the

hustle can get up there in time i can

push him out

[Music]

one

puma many

[Music]

cry and fall is that what you said

two

puma man's friend

[Music]

first save me then change me

[Music]

tony farms he has 40 acres your body no

longer belongs to you

the forces of the cosmo have turned you

over to me are the heads eating potato

chips

come back to me

i order you to return mark snell

i am waiting for you

i'm back on catnip man you got to help

me

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

you must resist

repeat with me

each man is a god each one is free

do not think of anything else

concentrate

repeat

repeat with me with me man is a god

each man is

free each man is a god each man is a god

which man is free each man is free each

man is a god each man is a weenie each

man is a god each man is free each man

is a puss okay

these walnuts are good

mr forbes is here if you want to go for

a ride

i've taken away his power that's done

anyway and his will is broken

but he's putting up an unexpected

resistance

i'll take care of it

comb the area find him

but don't make any noise

i don't want any trouble around here

cause the police would find out i'm

pirating cable

break a few more wheels before launch

then meet some death spots on fridays

i am ordering you

i am ordering you a fajita is that okay

to kill yourself

john boy walton

i like the other head better

[Music]

it's all right

it's over oh great so can we go micah

listen i want you to hear my epitaph i'm

was stupid

he wasn't much in his life either as a

man or a puma man

and now he's worth absolutely nothing

the same as when he was alive it's not

true

you are a worthy man worthy of a beating

you would be all right

only if i lose a habit

which one nose picking public farting

wanting to live

gotta [ __ ] these windows quick

just let me be a big giant baby

oh let me go i just want to help you die

with a modicum of dignity

you don't have a master you must not die

brother for you

for me

for all who want to live free

listen to me

perhaps there is a way only 10 minutes

but you can do it go to a deep sleeper

faster 10 minutes with no life

it is in your power oh well i'm just

sore is all

cobras does not know it

he cannot take it from you please get

off i'm feeling funny down there your

breath

your heartbeat can slow down i just have

to not wiggle

diminish

i mean anybody would feel this right

it's natural right

stop

so pumas are suicidally depressive mouth

breathers

let me show you now the general vicinity

of the heart

that is right tony

let yourself go stop working out you are

dead

you are dead for all

even for cobras

duh

okay

ding ding ding ding ting

[Music]

hey look what we made mike

well that looks like a

well i looked for all the world like a

replica of the head of roger whittaker

he made it with our genuine aztec mask

- wow that's great you know i can hear him
- sing right now

i assume he gained control of his mind

and his will oh there's no other reason

i can think of to own a replica of the

head of roger whittaker yeah exactly but

uh i have to ask why why roger whittaker

why not say barbara felden right we

thought of that okay mike and sting and

chipmunk and senator john warner and

puff daddy and al checky and webb pierce

and judy karn and joan sutherland and

george lindsey and barbara boyce and

people like that mike when you only have

time to effectively control one person

we have other things to do then roger

whittaker is the perfect choice take our

word for it it's who we got now what do

you want to do with them oh well um

i can't think of anything at all

use your imagination man it's roger

whittaker i mean that means song sure

but he can probably do other things you

know light typing and filing and maybe

you need help with your hand wash there

no no i don't i frankly i think it's a

waste of time oh fine we go to all this

trouble hand mike roger whitaker and he

drops the ball here's the wheel here's

mike

what do i do with this

oh you can just go on with your roger

whittaker free life you poor sap but the

next time you need to hear durham town

you're on your own good luck remember

though we control roger whitaker that's

right so watch your back yes roger

whittaker could be on you at any moment

there he is

i'm kidding wow this time

yeah look at him run we'll be right back

everybody in the meantime be on the

lookout for

roger whitaker

[Music]

there he is roger whitaker

i'm scared

oh i overdid it on the fancy feast

later ma barker and the gang come to

finish him off

[Applause]

friends are visiting from murder

[Applause]

boomer man

it's cliff clavin hey cliffy

so let's cut his ears and paws off we

get the 50 buck bounty

so tense right here

tell santa i love him

you won't get maya montiado

he's had it chickenpox won't catch it

from us

thanks so anyway do you have it in loden

we found him

he's committed suicide

should i put a bullet in him just to be

sure

no that would be cheating no

it has to look like an unfortunate

accident

but be sure that he's dead

you can count on it sir boss says i'm in

charge and i get your lunch today and

you drive

can't you just accept it tom

i don't know i just i don't know

you

why do i have to stay in the car you

couldn't find a corpse more dead than

this one what are you gonna do with the

body

leave him like he is

they gone oh

i have slacks like that

no see this was just really avoidable

i was alive for a second armed and go

away

why did you shoot him

because cobra said not to you are so

cobra whipped man

i'm just thinking about the last dead

guy who sprang up and killed half our

men

oh it seems like they have you in a bit

of a bind mr dead human

hate to see a sneeze right now

here's the deal i don't make you sneeze

and you give me your poop for the rest

of your life

even when dead his hair looks terrific

just uh i just have a really hard time

making decisions you know you guys

puma man

[Music]

no i feel good about our decision i do

let's go back no no forget it

certainly this is a victory for good

[Music]

you've succeeded

they think you're dead and now they will

leave you alone to be left alone the

goal of every great hero

but what about the mask

forget it you are only a man now

you cannot do it did i say man you're

not a man i'm like a box turtle

let me get out of here

do i get to keep the cape

i'm finally gonna get my pennies counted

anyway

and that dynamite is for that bastard

cobras

i said forget it

and should i also forget jane and the

fact that cobras wants to take over the

world

[Music]

or perhaps they want sacrifice what

sacrifice

my life

you want to destroy cobras with a

suicide action

there's got to be another way cobras has

the police and all those who command in

his power little dubai

i must go why you

i'm the high priest

i'm responsible

and if the death of one man can save

many

that death is right

and the death of two men is just as

right like on my death you have no power

now

and there's no reason for you to pay i

have a personal reason

but the price is too high

you don't come stand hardhead stop

giving orders

i won't let you go alone

you're right brother orville or wilbur

oh i ask you to forgive me

but you don't come

try and stop me

i ask you to forgive me forgive you what

i've been seeing another superhero

kaboom

yes the aztec speaks for all of us

[Music]

say hello to the nice people puma man

hello

[Music]

aztec drove to wisconsin scored some men

80s yeah

[Music]

kids are gonna love easter morning

oh man we got aztecs

hold up where you are or i'll kill you

i've got a member's only jacket

shoot

and everything will blow up for a mile

in all directions oh didn't have quite

the impact i was hoping

tell cobras

i want to speak to him

i forget it i'm never going to get

through for yanni tickets

all right craig t nelson make me laugh

[Applause]

an aztec family christmas what do you

want

the gold mask with your face sweat

cleaned out

i'm sure we could reach

some sort of agreement

lead him into the great hall treat him

like an honored guest

i'll join you

oh big

so uh what about montezuma nice guy or

tony's alive

don't need saliva i don't even think of

it

that was an odd series of smells

do the hustle

oh and he put butter under my skin and

pushed cloves of garlic

oh my cat's cradle got out of control

i'm going to try to control the

recycling guy because i didn't sort my

stuff very good this month

do you have a great little boys room

here

step forward

now spin around let me see how those

slacks fit in the back

space wow what a strict department of

motor vehicles

who are you

why do you want the mask in order to be

smoking

[Music]

again each man is free

each man is a god so if each man is a

god where does that leave with god

each man is free look he didn't ask for

your yearbook quote

yes

yes indeed you are free

each man is free

you're free to obey me you cannot escape

my will nor resist me

yeah i gotta agree with him on that one

i can make you wobble

obey me

each man is free how about guys in jail

they're not free how about guys in gulag

ah let him go boss he's so sincere

i gotta drill some eye holes closer

together in this thing it's so annoying

[Music]

[Music]

take those explosives from your body

little orphan aztec

don't do it

i went to the barber and said give me a

haircut like mary gross

[Music]

on which side does it matter either one

you know at some point the world has got

to stop letting idiots like this almost

take it over

[Music]

carefully i also got some bottle rockets

in my socks

a chived that's good baby

so basically the hero is this guy i

think it's time we face that fact

[Music]

on all the readers digest condensed

books

[Music]

oh joe theisms really hurt this song

man i'm having phantom pains like you

wouldn't believe

i wonder if my girlfriend would do that

for me

[Music]

where's the candy

run farther away from the danger

a medicine ball oh no

well each man is a punching bag i guess

each man is gary corey

everybody was aspect fighting

[Music]

oh great you know what i've got it don't

worry yourself

the cantaloupe oh

[Music]

so it turns into a good old hal needham

movie

[Music]

and service

night or drug we're busting up prices

you know i have almost no respect for

pumas now i now know that if i ever run

into a puma i can just push it the hell

over

the wall didn't bend ignore them

[Music]

quit playing bad bear

[Music]

i wish poaching protected species man

would show up and take care of this sin

you call uh ted nugent

i can't get it out of first

take that members of boston

[Music]

david you gotta try this it's fun

[Music]

hey it's archie riceman

[Music]

jump

ball believe it or not this movie's

still on it should have ended two hours

ago

is that donald pleasance i want to get

his autograph

beyond donald dome

[Music]

yes pumas have instinctive knowledge of

wiring and home construction

sure i'm a deadly boomer be frightened

of me

[Music]

didn't think he'd sink that level

ali ali oxenfree

okay i'll give him a purple herm and

then a jock lock don't ever mention

donald's jock again

that's a good idea can i borrow a cup of

bald

please no i had a terrible childhood

i'll harm you

you will drop your pants to your ankles

and walk through town saying i am a

ninny

oh make sure you set it on ball

don't jiggle mom wants a nice picture

for christmas

excuse me

boy time to call semi-confident aztec

man again

look at this beautiful hardwood floor

they covered up

there's a layer of nougat in this house

i'm sensing danger oh that's mildew

perhaps now would be a good time to jump

around like an idiot

castles are nice but they're not big on

livable basement space

wool over his eyes man easily bamboozled

man three steps behind man

now world get used to being run by

donald's pleasants

[Music]

this is flying officer donald pleasance

with the traffic report

between sessions and staring at his wigs

he became an accomplished pilot

[Music]

whoops missed him better go home i did

what i could

a peach oh that's strong

breathtaking london

[Music]

the fat freeze yogurt the snapshot on

flavor

it's all over cobras ryan timothy cobras

you land this helicopter right now

[Music]

bending metal doors no problems for

doing stocky senior citizens that's

another story

oh it got hard bye

[Music]

whoa the network shouldn't have bought

kelsey grammer a helicopter

burning old man singel his flash off

well then the gods fulfill their holy

plan to roast a man in a helicopter

thank you pasta necklace

oh man this thing is really rank

girl cake hearts of the gods

hey vidalia would you mind worshiping

for us i think we're just gonna get

going evil has been defeated

their protection has not failed

i did most of it

do they also protect couples in love

respect

places like this were created by them to

make contact and other cold remedies

neil look i told you my name's tony man

- i thought we were getting close and oh i
- see

man get a room

oh holy salt lick

[Music]

you know if the space man puma thing

turns out to be the correct religion i

for one will be very

[Music]

surprised yay sky there's a place where

there's sky

this is indeed a blessed day

fun to take a three-wheeler up there

air is pretty

so these three are the only ones stupid

enough to let the spacemen play with

them

[Music]

the rain's gonna totally frizz out my

hair for our date

stonehenge is a chain apparently

uh hi uh say did anyone see a mask

uh your regular god was busy so he sent

me and stuff yeah it was the second

amulet kiss that got him here

sap

you know sometimes the gods make extra

money giving people rides

you guys took me seriously suckers

i'm just gonna toss it on another planet

and see who bites

the gods

oh crap it's that aztec guy

[Music]

the whole bible thing bunch of huey it's

all about aliens and spinning globes

they are pleased with you up there i

mean i didn't tell them everything

but i'm not happy with them down here

what's going to happen to the mask

hey who the hell is that little

pipsqueak

they are taking it back to its temple in

the andes mountains where some other

villain will take it and i'm going with

them

does that mean you're going to disappear

too yeah they're going to whack me tell

me the truth

are you one of them me no i'm jewish

we all are a bit but if you want to see

me again don't

when you are the father of a small puma

man

take him to the plateau and drop him off

i will teach him the powers i'll give

you a good rate because you're good

- people goodbye brother goodbye sister
- goodbye brother

honor it little titty twister from the

gods don't worry

goodbye puma man is there anything i

should tell the people about truth and

beauty i don't think so we love each

other nah don't worry about it

in my life

keep your cat pocks clean my friend

watch out for urinary tract infections

so long

yeah only the gods could produce

something as beautiful as that this is

all the gods can do i'm over to the dark

side so fast

fabulon carry on your tradition of

flying clumsily with your rear end in

the air

and we hear the dim cry of an anal probe

you know what i never liked your friend

i don't want him in our wedding

um there's no afterlife sorry

[Music]

the bodies of six gods were found after

their ship crashed into a mountain just

outside london

jane

tell me it wasn't a dream you can prove

it for yourself

jump

might as well jump

ready

here we go geez i wouldn't trust this

guy to hold the door open for me

you've got to fly me over to bennigan so

i can show sherry

now i'm going to dig my spurs into your

hindquarters

never seen anybody make love in the air

but that's how you make little puma oh

and he immediately defiles the holy gift

given to him

now they're going to buff

[Music]

starring the gambino family and some

english guy

theology contained within this picture

may not be wholly accurate consult your

doctor before embarking on a theology

program

and remember to buy puma man cat box

filler less dust better clumping

if this is music to praise the god

that's for sure

glory to our space gods in the highest

warrior

oh my god this movie just carries it for

me i'm gonna resign

yeah i i quit

i don't think you can do that i can do

that it's not over yet pro and glory to

the humane crop would you cut that out

[Music]

[Music]

well here it is i'm officially tendering

my resignation ah

okay uh wow looks very professional stop

trying to talk me out of this mic i've

made up my mind

who knows maybe somewhere out there is a

guy who's forced to watch good movies

well so long fellas it's really been a

good ride okay we'll see you then

hey everyone i'm back hey the place

looks great hey how are you guys good

you know you know i'm freelance now and

it's really going good yeah say any uh

any chance you have something here for

me well uh right now there's only part

time and you won't get benefited oh fine

fine fine

whoa i'm impolite again man what a

stressful episode in my life that was oh

i don't know how i survived i didn't

even know you left hey uh we better

check on pearl uh how's the ball going

pearl huh

nobody came except bobo and he snapped

his tether and joined brain guy in the

70 other people just showed up just

listen to that

[Music]

how is this gonna look to my ghostly

ancestors

isn't there anybody up there who can

give me a break just once

[Music]

sensation roger whitaker how did you get

here well i sailed in and left my ship

out in the harbour oh roger you've saved

my ancestral ball well i'm glad

you are

beautiful

roger join me in my evil plans well i'd

love to pearl but tomorrow for all

yes perfect you sailed to england

contact all your henchmen glenn

yarborough pete seeger the kingston trio

and i will assemble an army of aging

folk singers and together wait welly the

how do you think you're going but pearl

they're singing asia songs in there one

more move and you're dead whitaker

i have no fear of death it brings no

sorrow oh yeah fear this you bearded

freak

uh

[Music]

ah