Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 10, Episode 4 - Werewolf - full transcript

♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ somewhere in time
and space ♪

♪ Mike Nelson
and his robot pals ♪

♪ are caught in
an endless chase ♪

♪ pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl ♪

♪ an evil gal who wants
to rule the world ♪

♪ she threw a few things
in her purse ♪

♪ and in her rocket ship
she hunts him ♪

♪ all across the universe

[Pearl]
I'll get you!

♪ I'll send him
cheesy movies ♪

♪ the worst I can find--
la la la ♪

♪ he'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ and I'll monitor his mind--
la la la ♪

♪ now keep in mind,
Mike can't control ♪

♪ where the movies begin
or end-- la la la ♪

♪ he'll try to keep
his sanity ♪

♪ with the help
of his robot friends ♪

♪ robot roll call

you're on!

Oh, my stars!

Check me out!

I'm different!

♪ If you're wondering how

♪ he eats and breathes

♪ and other science facts--
la la la ♪

♪ just repeat to yourself,
"it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really
just relax" ♪

♪ for mystery
science theater♪

♪ 3000♪

You guys did a little film
called operation dumbo drop.

- Talk about that.
- Snap out of it, Mike.

Hi, everybody. Welcome.

Mike tripped over
my yam collection,
fell on his head,

now the poor dope
thinks he James lipton,

host of that
inside the actor's studio
program

on, uh, oh, I don't know,
some channel.

Hell, I don't watch cable.

Then, of course, you had
a small, but crucial, role

in Harold Robbins'
the lonely lady.

The star, of course,
pia zadora.

You two became soul mates.

No we didn't!
Stop it, Mike!

See, now he thinks crow
is ray liotta.

And he's trying
to interview him,

and it's driving crow crazy.
And, well, let's watch,
shall we?

Unlawfulentry, of course,
a brilliant turn.

A breakout role for you.

You used to trade soup recipes
with Kurt Russell on the set.

- Talk about that.
- No! Mike, you're not well.

Whoopi goldberg told me
you smell like apples. True?

What? That does it, Mike.
I'm getting the clown hammer.

Are you really a good fella?
Uh-huh.

Give US the inside story
on Tom hulce's dog. Uh-huh.

Joe pesci's mother
made you weep, how?

- Sorry, we'll be right back.
- You called Kevin dobson

your real reason for living.
Can you tell me why?

- Sad, really.
- Mm-hm. Yes.

♪♪

Students, please join me
in thanking Mr. William katt.

Truly, you are
the greatest American hero.

[Metal clank]

There he goes.
[Laughter]

Boy, I sure hated to do that.

Guys! What are you dressing me
as James lipton for,
ya weirdoes?

We have to get going
on our escape plan.

Well, I'm sorry-- hey!

Crow, have the nanites
constructed my modular descent
unit yet?

Uh, yeah, sure. Why not?

Then, since we are in high
geosynchronous orbit,

I will descend and jump off
on some unknown location

on present day planet earth.

Then, of course, you'll alert
the authorities

- and rescue US, right?
- Uh, time permitting, sure.

- That sounds reasonable. Hey!
- Hey!

Boy, it's really
a long way down.

Have not made contact
with earth yet. Over.

Keep going,
you big dope. Over.

- What was that? Over.
- Nothing. Over.

I thought
you said something. Over.

- No. Over.
- But I said it was a long way
down and then--

look, would you
just drop it! Over.

Jeez, okay. All right.
Through the atmosphere now,

and am approaching
a large structure of some sort.

I am opening a hatch
of some sort,

and am dropping
the ladder in.

I will enter
the actual structure now.

Which appears to be
a barn of some sort,

or a-- no, it's an eatery.
It is an eatery.

I will approach
one of the patrons,

and attempt to gather
information on my where--

whereabouts.

- Brain guy.
- Yup.

[Mike stammers]

Aah! I'll just get back up
and watch my movie.

- Which is what again?
- Werewolf.

Werewolf,right.

Brain guy, you wouldn't want
to beam me back up there,
would you?

- No.
- Okay, didn't think so.

Just checking. I'll get back up,
and watch my...

[Mike whimpers]

[Growls]

Uh, I'm gonna scrub
this one, guys. Over.

Uh, yup. Get pasty-butt
up here now. Over.

Uh, what's that? Over.

- [Alarm buzzes]
- Uh, never mind. Movie sign!

- Over and out.
- I swear, is this something
about--

hey, get back here.

Jeez. Poor guy.

[Wolf howls]

I don't know.
You had him last!

You can't say that.
You're gonna get in trouble.

That's a really stupid joke,
and I'm gonna tell Mike.

I don't care.
What's Mike gonna do anyway?

- Hey, guys.
- Aah!

Mike, the title came up,
and it said werewolf.

And the servo said,
"I don't know,
you had him last."

And i-- I think that was
a really stupid joke.

That's pretty funny.
I like that.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, that's what I meant.

I liked it.

- Good one, servo.
- Thank you.

♪♪ [Native American music]

Must be a song about
how loose their slots are.

Ah, one of
the lesser estevezes.

And now the ladies!

So far, the star power consists
of Charlie sheen's uncle.

Um, are they jumping rope?

Not last night,
but the night before,

24 robbers come knocking
at my door.

Jumping rope.

Ah, the poor thing has tmj.
Look at that.

Keith bilderbeck.
Building a better Beck for you.

Nelsone! Good one there!

I knew it had Tony zarindast's
stink all over it.

Brought to you by the...

Featuring
the Bulgarian women's choir

rendition of "jingle bells."

[Humming]

Man, there's just too much
zarindast in this movie already.

- Mm-hm.
- Whoo.

Mm, the sugar mines!

They're excavating
a tiramisu.

We found another stratum
of lady fingers.

We got the worst
tree farm ever.

Give me that canteen there
will ya?

Hey, Geronimo!
Get back to work.

Yeah, okay, lief eriksson.

[Geronimo laughs]

Can't you hear me?
I said get back to work.

Hey, man...

It's hotter than hell
out here.

- Tommy, come on, man.
- Come over here
and give US a hand.

Jerk! Needs to get his head
straightened out or something.

The hoser.

Tommy, come on, man.

You piss him off more,
he's gonna fire US all.

Come on, come on.

Hey, what is this?
I got something.

Be careful, man.
We don't want to damage it.

Hey, get away!
You're gonna mess up the find.

Hey, I can't see home plate.

Hey, I got something here.

It's Ron!

Hey, man,
can't you see I'm hurt?

This is where Billy Jack
should come riding up.

Damn it!

You know,
never put Marshall Tucker
in charge of your dig.

Sounds like somebody's punching
a side of beef off-screen.

Yuri, stop it. Stop it!

Rock 'em sock 'em
archeologists.

Brooks and Dunn
finally have it out.

Ah, Filipino crotch-fighting.

This is a production
of road housein the park.

Rat patrol should've hung it up
after the war.

Okay, just stand there
while I punch you. There.

Hey, how are the waves today,
you guys?

The man with the yellow hat
arrives to calm things down.

Oh, good.

During the course
of the fight,

they stomped all over
the ark of the covenant.

Louis leakey in
every which way but loose.

Um... are we done fighting?

Somebody got a, uh,
emergency kit around here?

Vanessa redgrave
for banana republic.

What's going on?
What happened?

Fool almost damaged
the find.

Stay calm, Yuri.

This is the mir
of archaeological digs.

There's quite a bit of blood.
You'll need stitches.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Well, quite a bit
of red tempera paint anyway.

There's just so much litter
on the highway!

Yeah, I'm just
gonna cover this up.

Finds are too hard,
too much paperwork and stuff.

I'm Martin sheen's brother,
does that help?

Professor Noel, you've got to
take a look at this.

Not now, Yuri,
I've got a man hurt over here.

Me too.

Look, Billy,
take Tommy into town.

Get a doctor,
get that arm stitched up.

- We'll pay the bill.
- Sure.

Laura dern prototype.

Professor Noel,
come and take a look at this!

What the hell is it, Yuri,
that can't wait?

♪ O-cedar makes
your life easier ♪

No shoes. He was killed
for his nikes.

What the hell?

Call an ambulance,
and make sure
you don't move his neck.

- [Music sting]
- Cruise ship taking off.

- [Musical sting[
- There's another one.

It's Steven Tyler's skull!

Naaldlooshii.

Yeah, boy,
naaldlooshii for me too.

Look, uh, Joe, why don't you
catch up with the other guys,

and help them out with Tommy,
all right?

In fact, by the time
you're done,

most of this day
will be shot,

so why don't you just take
the rest of the afternoon off?

In fact, why don't you just
sit out the rest of the movie?

Well, go on.
You better hurry up

if you're going to
catch up with them.

[Dog yelping]

Go home, Joe!
All the way. Good boy.

Can I have it?
My dog needs a new head.

- Noel, what was that all about?
- I'll explain later.

Joe sure seemed bothered
by this thing.

How did he call it?

You recognized the term he used.
I could tell.

Look, I'll explain it later,
Natalie.

Get some of
the students over here

to take these bones
out of here.

Don't put it in the lab tent,
bring it up to the...

- And Natalie...
- Naaldlooshii, baby.

You make sure none
of the Indian workers see this.

- Like, uh, rajipur
or Amir, okay?
- Make sure.

Goodbye, Joe!

Oh, could you at least
put gym shorts on him?

♪ Ave Maria

we've come to the conclusion,
dem bones, dem dry bones, sir.

- Skin-Walker?
- Skin-Walker.

Texas skin-ranger.

It's also known
as a shape-shifter.

Pot-sticker, clam digger,
that sort of thing.

- It's the navajo equivalent
of a, uh...

- Poodle.

Lichenthrope.

A [...]Damn werewolf!

A what werewolf?

Here's the wind up...
And the pitch.

- Werewolf?
- No. Werewolf. Wear. Say it.

You mean, Joe thinks
this thing is a werewolf?

Well, not exactly.
Not in our traditional

white man's
movie-monster sense.

You see,
naaldlooshii translated,

means "he who trots
here and there on all fours."

So any animal, pretty much.

You know what,
let me explain.

A naaldlooshii
is a human witch

who wears the skins
of fierce animals...

Such as a coyote,
or wolf, or bear.

Rabbit, caterpillar,
you know.

He assumes the quality
of those animals.

Gains power from them.

He's been known
to roam about at night

creating all sorts
of malevolent deeds.

The navajo claim
that they can tell

when a naaldlooshii is close

by the sudden sound
of all kinds of peculiar noises,

and particularly,
the loud barking of dogs.

Might just be
the bumpuses' dogs.
We're not sure.

They also can tell
when a man is naaldlooshii.

He takes on a series
of strange body habits.

Wears toast in his pants.

Like sleeping like a coyote,
nose to anus.

- What? It's fun!
- Now it's beginning to smell
of coyote urine.

This is absolutely
fascinating.

- [Chuckling]
- Right.

♪♪

So how do they stop them?

Did you hear that?

If I remember correctly,
they call it a hataali.

He's a medicine man
protect them.

The hataali come in
to try to--

to try to get
the naaldlooshii.

Using hoochi-coochie
hiki-blocky.

- But if he's too late,
- [dog barks]

They arm themselves
and they hunt the bastard down.

[Howling]

Okay, is that a cut?
You get everything?

- Listen.
- It's absolutely fascinating.

What was that?

Oh, I have small dogs
in my hair. Sorry.

Probably car on the road.

Yeah, it's one of those cars
that sounds like a wolf, okay?

Anyway, that's what I know about
the legend of the naaldlooshii.

♪♪ [Singing]

Pure moods.

Can I be in the movie again?

Ah, they just heard
that Sawyer brown broke up.

Oh, honey.

He's winnie the pooh.

[Chuckles]

I'm sorry I broke
your hanson tape.

Do you have any spare roles
that I could do?

Well, what took you so long?

They had to stitch him up.

- Well, I made supper.
- How is he?

- He's bad.
- How bad?

Bad-bad.
- Bad-bad-bad
or just bad-bad-bad?

I heard it in a love song.
Gotta go.

I'm still in this movie,
you know.

You might not think I am,
but I am!

[Sobs]
I just heard
"goodbye england's Rose."

Tim broke up with me.

We were supposed to go
to that wedding together.

Did he leave right in the middle
of his perm?

Call an ambulance.

♪ Can't be wrong

what?

I said call an ambulance!

Well, I'm not
supposed to listen

to people who aren't
in the movie, but...

Chia estevez.

Oh... [muted]

What are you still doing
in this movie.

- Oh, Tommy.
- He looks like a puffed up
rough grouse.

And the litter on the highway.
It's just everything.

- Look, Noel,
I'm not superstitious.
- I'm stupid.

This really isn't any kind
of conventional animal

I'm familiar with.

- It's not a bunny.
- What do you think it is?

Natalie, I really couldn't
tell you what this thing is.

- [Mumbling]
- Look at the teeth closely.

- This thing ran off,
moves like a dog.
- [Mumbling]

The teeth
are canine in structure,

yet it has human qualities.

We're gonna have to take it
back to the lab and study it.

But at the risk
of sounding nuts...

I've replace my toes
with grapes.

I think we just stumbled on
the remains of a lichenthrope.

Come on, Noel.
You're a rational man.

That's impossible.
Werewolves?

A skin-Walker isn't?

Don't be so quick
to dismiss legends.

Legends have to begin
somewhere.

Like the keebler elves.

Perhaps this is
a creature of legend.

Do you realize
if this was a lichenthrope...

I'd have to look the word up.

It could be the discovery
of the century.

And, not to mention,
the person responsible

for its discovery
would be famous!

So they hire
the frito bandito.

Hey look,
it's crow t. Werewolf.

Hey.

- [Howling]
- Ah yes, the concerto

in a-minor
for cello and werewolf.

Okay. God,
they're establishing

the hell out of
this building here.

[Chuckles]
Yeah.

- [Howling continues]
- Okay.

The sheet has no pulse.

His condition has gone
to bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad.

I'm afraid he's opened
too many casinos.

Did he seem, you know,
uh, dead to you?

Doctor, what do you think?

Well, I can't make it out.

I've never seen
a case like this before.

- I mean, you saw his face.
- Yes, I did.

There is constant
transformation.

What should we do?
Should we call Dr. Brown?

No, that's not necessary.

Just get a blood test,
send it to the lab.

And keep him
under intense observation.

Yes, doctor.

Now you should get some rest.
You look exhausted.

Yeah, well what about
your roots?

Yeah, thank you
for the advice.

I questioned gluing
crepe hair to his face, nurse,

but you seem to know
what you're doing.

He's going to have to wear
one of those cones

around his neck now.

I admire
your hair-helmet, sir.

Ah, I'm gonna pull the plug,
just for the hell of it.

- Time to do a Jenny garp.
- Oh, yeah.

Um, I have bad news,

we have to remove
your continent.

So you want to fight, or...

The Ford ranger,
the official truck
of the English patient.

Man, it was lucky
to find this parking space.

His hair's
completely different.

- Yeah.
- Where in the hell
have you been?

Do you know
what time it is?

Where in the hell is Tommy?

[Muted], here we go again.

Ah, nothing like a warm v8.

Hey, I'm talking to you!

- [Chuckles]
- And?

Tommy's at
city emergency hospital.

He's sick!

- The guy's turning into--
- shh!

Honey, shh.

He's real sick.

What's wrong with him?

He got an infection
from that thing

he cut himself on yesterday.

That's all I know.

Fountain o' hair.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to go back to work.

Good.

This is gonna be a fun dig.

Hey, look!
An ancient beer can! Oh...

Is he draining his ears
into his pocket?

I've gone back to my darker,
shorter hair now.

[Baby crying]

So they put suspected werewolves
in the neonatal unit, huh.

- Man, infants are such babies.
- Yeah.

Man, he makes Ted Danson
look like Gavin McCloud.

Yes, I am a doctor.

I'll just be being doctor
in here then.

Doctor, that's me.

All righty then,
a complete desanguination
for you then?

Okay, we'll be transferring you

to the ho-chunk hospital
for naaldlooshiis.

Excuse me,
where's your headphone Jack?

Audience,
what's your diagnosis?

Here, some litter I picked up
off the freeway.

Does that
make you feel better?

No, no, no, I don't think
this case calls for minoxidil.

Oh, sorry, I thought
you were Robert downey Jr.

What am I doing?
I'm not a d--

I must have panicked
and thought I was a doctor.

Panicked.

♪ Ee-o-eleven

well, I better get back
to my Bruce jenner shift.

Snausages.

Snau-snausages.

As a recuperating werewolf,
I'm very pleased

with my craftmatic
adjustable bed.

Oh, I ate too much.
I am a full moon.

- [Laughter]
- I am gonna hit you so...

Someone's trying to start
their Plymouth duster.

Well, it's either
ashford or Simpson.

Quick,
apply intravenous nair!

[Howls]

Let me just chill my hands
and I'll be right there.

- [Snarls]
- [Screams]

Werewolf can kind of
slip on his jeans.

Not Bob vila! No!

Now, what we're doing here, Bob,
is getting killed by a werewolf.

[Shouting]

Later, in the dead
of blue-filter night.

Maybe the ice-cream truck
just isn't coming today.

- What do you got there?
- Silver bullet.

There's coors light
in your gun?

Me too.

This will take care of him.

What makes you think
he's gonna come back here?

Everybody's out
looking for him, right?

Yeah.

Where you think
he's gonna come back to?

Well, the couch on the porch
is basically his.

Back to his lair.

We'll be ready for him.

- [Snarls]
- Ah, what? He became a bat?

A bug? What is that?

Look. I see something
over there.

It's a guy
with a wolf hand-puppet!

That's him.

Go and use the bathroom
before we leave.

♪♪ [Native American drumming]

Huh, the natives
are closing in.

Um, if it's Martin,
shoot to kill.

Then I can be in spawn.

- [Growling]
- Wait! It's a gorilla!

With a dog mask on.

Somehow Janet Reno's
behind this.

- [Snarling]
- [Gun shot]

Ben!

The least successful werewolf
of all time.

What a lame werewolf.

[Whimpering]

Boy, that Joe estevez
is one compelling performer.

He's really lighting up
the screen, I tell you.

He could really show
his brother Martin sheen

a thing or two about acting.

I'm sure glad he's in
this werewolf movie.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, which reminds me,
did you guys have any time

to think about what I asked?

You know, who would you want
in your werewolf movie?

Uh, sure, Mike.
But, uh, why don't you go first?

Oh, sure. Okay.

Well, uh, first off,
I think I would have

Burt Reynolds' brother
Tim Reynolds.

- Ah.
- You know, if that
didn't work out,

I would-- I would go for
Emilio klugman.

- Sure.
- Uh-huh.

And, uh, maybe as a role
as a biker

or something like that,
I would go for

Don knotts' tougher brother
spike knotts.

- Ooh.
- Ah, good idea.

- Servo?
- Ah, thanks, Mike.

Well, I played
by a slightly more freestyle

set of rules than you, Mike.

To which, my first choice
in my werewolf movie

would be one Mr. Sammy hatch,
brother of senator orrin.

- Yeah.
- Then I'd certainly go for

Michael debakey's brother
Jake debakey.

- Mm-hmm.
- Or Louis pasteur's
brother Greg.

Alas, no longer
in this mortal coil,

but a great choice
for my werewolf movie.

Or, um, chip Hitler.

- Yeah, sure, that's, uh--
- chip Hitler.

You know, I admire
your freewheeling style.

It really opened up
the possibilities.

- Thanks, Mike.
- Crow?

Who would you want
in your werewolf movie?

Uh, you know,
I don't know, you guys.

I tried, but for some reason
all I could think of

was ray liotta.
[Sighs]

- Ray liotta?
- Huh.

Well, that's weird. I mean--

wouldn't rather have, like,
ray liotta's brother, or--

uh, I don't know.
I'm sorry.

I'm just not as good at this
as you guys.

- I'm really sorry.
- Just ray liotta, huh?

- Damn. Damn.
- Well...

Despite that last
awkward moment,

I think
we all enjoyed playing

"who would you want
in your werewolf movie?"

[Laughs]
Try it at home!

It's fun, you'll see.

Goodbye.

I don't know you guys,

I think ray liotta
would make an okay werewolf.

- No, he smells like apples.
- Oh, right, right, right.

For crying out loud.

♪♪

- [Laughs]
- That was good fun.

Oh, Travis bickle
moved out to the suburbs, huh?

Hey!
♪♪ [hums mork & mindytheme]

- Mork &mindy.
- Aloha, and welcome to Hawaii.

This, of course,
is the Pearl harbor memorial.

What, are we moving
into this house, sir?

- Yeah. Why?
- Just wondering.
I'm just curious, that's all.

- How much do I owe you?
- Uh, 15.

- Really nice of you.
- Good luck.

Turns out there are small parts
and small actors.

♪♪ [Atonal piano]

Man, how does the director
even conceive

of the framing of this shot?
It's just amazing.

Car over here
in the foreground.

The piano tuner put his speakers
out the window.

[Doorbell rings]

Dictator for life, Santa.

- Hello?
- I'm Paul.

Sorry, I was just taking
a lavender bath.

- Paul who?
- Paul niles.

Oh, sure.
[Chuckles]

Does this really warrant
the tender music?

Come on in.
We're expecting you.

Why don't you head down
to the crawl-space.

I'll be right there
to kill you.

[Chuckles]

Glad to see
you could make it.

Did you bring your
anti-government propaganda?

Miss Carrie's upstairs
waiting for you.

Oh.

Well, I've got a squirrel
in the oven if you're hungry.

Fidel Castro, house mother.

- I'm Sam.
- I've been issued
as your best friend.

I'm the keeper.

- Well, nice to meet you.
- The average white man.

Do you always greet people
with a gun in your hand?

What, this? This is just
to keep the flies down.

There's some weird things
happening around here.

This is a strange remake
of Jane eyre.

- Mr. Niles.
- We're sharing a bed.

I just found out
count Dracula was a [muted].

Oh. Is that so?

Yeah, you don't
have to believe me,

but that's the facts.

- Suddenly I miss my dad.
- Ah.

Ha!
♪ weird things a-goin'

♪ weird things a-comin'

♪ weird things a-doin'
around here ♪

[Laughter]
Okay.

Hey! Yup, the grisled
militia man has a charming b&b.

[Typewriter clacks]

Come on, the sheltering sky
moved quicker than this movie.

[Gasps]
Oh, my god.

I didn't hear you come in.

Hi, I'm Paul niles.
Uh, sorry if I scared you.

Of course.

I was just finishing
typing this note for you.

Well, uh, read it.

You mean this?

Dear sir, send pants at once.

Dear Mr. Niles,
I waited for you all day,

but you didn't show up.

Therefore, I had to go
to the office.

Please call me when you get in.
Cordially, Carrie.

We're gonna pass on your letter.
Good luck, though.

Yeah, my flight was delayed
from New York,

but, uh, thanks anyway.

Well, what do you think?

Pants or no pants?

Before your mother passed away,
we tried to sell the house.

But with the restorations
and the poor economy,

we didn't have many offers.

When I heard
you were coming back,

I thought I'd use
the little budget I had

to fix up the attic.

Until you decided
what to do with the house.

Well, thanks to you
it's really nice.

It's the perfect place
for a struggling young writer.

You know what,
I'm gonna come over there.

I can't hear you at all.

I can't wait to find out
what your book's about.

Just another windows guide.

Well, it was a pleasure
meeting you, Carrie.

Well, I guess I better go
so you can unpack.

Uh, did you know your grandpa
smells like beefaroni?

By the way, uh...

Who is that guy downstairs?

Oh, you mean Sam?

I wouldn't worry about him.

- He's just the groundskeeper.
- And murderer.

By the way, what are
your big plans for tonight?

Plans?
I haven't got any. Why?

Because I was invited
to a birthday party,

and I thought
you might like to come.

Are you sure
it wouldn't be an inconvenience?

I mean, I don't know
anybody there.

You'll get to know them all.

- It's a small town.
- It is?

- I'll pick you up at 8:00.
- Wear pants.

It's "incredible."

He's a rent-a-center
Andy Garcia.

Ah, I see some really
stupid children being born

as a result
of these two meeting.

Wow. Oh, wow.

Well, I'm glad
we had that moment.

Hi, minnie Pearl.

Hey, everyone,
free samples of me.

Thank you very much.

[Chatter]

I couldn't help noticing
you weren't having sex with me.

Excuse me please.

You look
so beautiful tonight.

Uh, thank you, Yuri.
That's very nice of you to say.

- Now, um--
- you know, you're a knockout.

Will you excuse me
for a minute?

- I see somebody.
- Who's not a serial killer.

Come here. Don't go.

How about a little kiss?
How about it?

No, no, Yuri.
This is a party. Please.

Oh, baby, you look so good.

And this is
my real good friend, Elgin.

- Elgin, good to meet you.
- Good meeting you.

Elgin's my black friend.

- Why?
- Look, isn't that music
beautiful?

I think
the lady said no, huh?

Hey! Take your hands off me.

Let go of me now!

And loud mumbling breaks out.

[Indistinct mumbling]

Uh, movie,
is there's something

you'd like to share
with the rest of US?

Come on.

Now, let a real man
look down your blouse.

Look, Yuri.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

You are married to me.

I suggest you stay out here
and get sober

before you rejoin the party.

And when you do,
you can apologize to Natalie.

- Now go take a walk.
- Over there
in the walking area.

[Chuckling]

Yeah, I'll take a walk.

- Over to kirk Douglas' house!
- [Laughter]

I'm sorry about that.

He's a colleague of mine,
you know?

I guess tonight he just had
too much to drink.

Don't apologize for him.
I mean, the man's got no class.

Hey, hey, hey,
don't blow on me.

I guess you're right.

He's got no class.

The cheeseball's
got no freakin' class.

I'm uh, Paul niles.

Natalie Burke.
Nice meeting you.

Nice to soon
be sleeping with you.

And this dinosaur was found

with a head sticking out
of its butt.

It's the actual skeleton
of a pushmi-pullyu.

You know, he was right.

The walk is making me
rethink my life.

I'm going to set up
a charitable fun

to help people who paw women.
Yes, yes.

So they mic tires and feet
in this movie,

but not people.

- Good evening, gentlemen.
- Don't let me
interrupt your porn.

- Evening.
- Evening.

Evening mister Yuri.
What can I do for you?

I forgot my keys.

Do you mind
opening the lab for me?

Don't open your pants!
What are you doing?

Sir.

Thank you.

♪ Tonight's the night

♪ gonna be all right

isn't that
Douglas Wilder there?

Man, I'm really falling behind
on my penthouses, here.

Ooh, people really love

the whole
roasted-werewolf buffet.

Come on in with me.

It won't be as much fun,

but he knows
he can paw this guy.

So you couldn't be
a real cop, huh?

You know what that is?

That's the last
security guard

who didn't wash my car
every day.

- No?
- Skeleton of Carly Simon,
maybe.

Those are the remains
of a werewolf.

Jeez, what do they wrap these
in titanium? Come on!

[Honk]

- Did he just honk?
- Incredible.

[Yawns]

Now, this may cause
underwear staining.

[Guard]
Werewolf?

[Yuri]
That's right.

And I'm about the create...

A modern, man-made werewolf.

Who needs corrective shoes.
Look at him.

- Werewolf.
- [Honk]

- Come on, have a drink.
- No, I'm sorry. I'm on duty.

Come on.
Tonight's a special night.

Come on, have a drink.
Here.

Well, since it's the end
of my shift

- I'll make an exception.
- That's my man.

I think this guy
makes a lot of exceptions.

Yeah.

So... cheers.

Let's drink
to our new friendship

and our friend...

The werewolf.

I'll drink to that.

But I'll drink to lint though,
so it's nothing special.

[Giggling]
It tickles my nose!

I'm going to get
all sexy now.

Yeah, champagne!

♪♪

So you really
believe in this stuff, huh?

Oh, yeah.

My mother used to tell me
fairytales about this.

She was
a great security guard.

Never believed it.

- I'm from venice, Italy.
- Oh.

So you're connected.

My mother's passed away.
God bless her soul.

You know, I've never really
talked to anyone

but my bus driver.
[Sniffs]

People generally
don't like me.

Help, I've got lockjaw!

Well...

I admit my mom's not dead.
I was just flirting.

I'm very...

Better get going.

Thanks for everything.

Come on, sweep that skeleton
off the table,

and give in to the passion!

- See you.
- I left some Arthur treacher's
back at the desk.

Gee, a pig-drunk, passed out
security guard.

Who's surprised?

Ah, room temperature tott's.

Well, this guy's on his fourth
hairdo since the movie started.

- [Laughs]
- Yeah.

Ugh, this is my last
security guard, I swear.

Rejected for
the supreme court,

Robert bork struggles
to make ends meet.

Pbr me, Asa die.

From the land
of sky-blue murder.

Well, I hated
to knock him out,

but he was due
for his tetanus booster.

So we're going to get
a werewolf that sits at a desk

and asks people to sign in.

Yeah.

I wish my face
could be tighter!

So you're an archaeologist.
That's incredible.

Well, I graduated this year...
[Dialogue cuts out]

Hey, could we turn down
the Percy faith?

No...

- You know--
- your ones are great.

I really admire you.

- You do?
- Yeah, sure, whatever.
Can we sleep together?

Well, thanks.

So tell me,
have you made any, uh,

history shattering
discoveries lately?

I barely know what a hat is.

Enough about me.

What about you?
What do you do?

I look down your dress
for a living.

- I'm a writer.
- Of the purple sage.

And I'm actually
working on something now.

Really?
What's the subject matter?

You're right,
subject doesn't matter at all.

[Laughter]
That's a good one.

I love this music.

Let's dance.

Yeah, Richard clayderman,
I love him.

My modern man-made werewolf.

The very model
of a modern man-made werewolf.

- Honey.
- Wake up.

- What happened?
- You passed out.

I opened up my gym bag
and down you went.

- Sorry.
- Come on.

I know.

Come on, get up.

- You okay?
- Yeah, well, my underpants
are on backwards.

Yeah.

Yes.

Take care.

Send in
the next security guard.

Well, he's no
Richard jewell, but.

[Wolf howling]

Hey, it's Neil young.

I've been-- ugh, miner

for-- ugh, heart of-- ah.

Gold.

Oh, man, four runs
to the border in one night.

Hey, merle haggard's
looking pretty good these days.

The full moon
doggedly refuses to wane.

♪ Hey, zip-a-Dee doo-dah,
zip-a-Dee-ay ♪

Ugh.

Man, it's been a hard day.

Time for a frisco burger
in front of the x-files.

Man, I've got so many
threatening letters

to write tonight.

- [Musical sting]
- Did he sit on a table saw?
What is that?

[Imitates table saw]

Oh, now this clown's got
Bryan ferry hair!

What's going on?

[Chuckles]
♪ hello, Dolly

♪ it's Louis, Dolly

The most stubborn full moon
in the history of the world.

[Car starts]

Oh, great, king timahoe here's
gonna drive himself home.

I hope he remembers
to crack a window for himself.

Werewolf's hanging his own head
out of the window,

running all over his own car.

I'm colorblind now.
What do I do?

Look at those
high gas prices.

What, are they
in Port-au-Prince?

Yeah. Good dog.

I was gonna go home
and watch TV,

but I feel like sniffin' butts
all night.

Ah, man this traffic!

What, is he stalking it
because it's the weakest

of all gas stations?

♪ Oh the mighty
brontosaurus ♪

♪ don't you have
a message for US? ♪

Where you live is incredible.

- So here we are.
- Mr. Smooth.

Would you like to come up
for a drink?

Oh, yeah. The one-two punch.

I guess I'd better go.
I have a lot to do tomorrow.

Yeah, in other words,
you hate me! Fine!

- Paul?
- I enjoyed your letter
to the philippians.

I like saying no to you.
Could you ask me again?

Welcome to flagstaff.

Well, thanks.

Welcome to my flagstaff,
if you know what I mean.

- No.
- Sorry.

What do you got there, Paul?

He's trapped
between first and second.

- Caught in a run down.
- Sam.

Sam, this is Natalie.
Natalie, this is Sam the keeper.

Nice meeting you, Sam.

How do you do?

We can always use
another pretty face around here.

- Another?
- Any friend of Paul's
is a friend of mine.

He's wonderful.

Well, I guess
I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah. Bye.

Bring the old guy, will you?

- [Growling]
- [Laughter]

Feel like getting out
and chasing my own tire.

An American werewolf
in traffic.

Great, what are the ramp lights
still doing on?

Same gas station.

I'm gonna follow
the hell out of him.

Now that I'm driving,

those caribou
don't stand a chance.

Oh!

Did those oil barrels
just leap out in front of him?

So his plan is to rid the world
of security guards

by changing them into werewolves
one by one,

and then having them
crash their cars.

Well, uh, seems to be
working so far.

- Can't fault him on that.
- No.

Huh.

♪♪

Hey, susie,
what's the matter?

Yeah, susie, what's wrong?

Ah, nothing I guess.

Come on, susie,
you can tell US.

- Yeah.
- Gee, I don't know, girls.

- Well, okay, it's like this.
- Uh-huh?

- You know Steve?
- Uh-huh!

♪ Steve's a werewolf,
but he's my guy ♪

♪ he's different from the rest
I don't know why ♪

♪ but my mother and pop,
they disapprove ♪

♪ but no one can stop US,
for it's true "louve" ♪

- Huh?
- "Louve?"

Well, I had to rhyme two words.
They're not the same--

- sure. Go on.
- Got it, got it, go ahead.

♪ Where, oh, werewolf
♪ shoo-bi-doowop-doowop

♪ I've looked every werewolf
♪ shoo-bi-doowop-doowop

♪ where, oh, where
♪ shoo-bi-doowop-doowop

♪ where is my werewolf?
♪ shoo-bi-doowop-doowop

listen up, girls.
♪ late one night,
we drove in his car ♪

♪ to make out point,
it wasn't that far ♪

Take the hiawatha exit.
Left at the first stop sign.

Uh, whose story
is this, Carol?

Sorry!
[Chuckles]

♪ The moon was full,
he pulled me close ♪

♪ I held his paw
and I touched his cold nose ♪

That means he's healthy!

♪ But just then his hairy paws
caused the wheel to slide ♪

- [Gasps]
- I screamed, too late,
we hit a tree!

- He died.
- Gee, that's too bad, susie.

♪ Where, oh, werewolf

♪ I've looked
everywhere-wolf ♪

♪ where, oh, where

♪ where, oh, where,
oh, where ♪

♪ is my werewolf?

♪ Werewolf

[laughter]

Well done.

Yeah, it's fun
to play a girl group,

even if it's just for a while.

- Yeah, just a while.
- Yeah, that was fun.

Well, hey, say, Mike
you didn't really go out

with a guy named Steve
who died, did you? Or...

Well, you know,
there is a story--

[buzzer sounds]

- Movies!
- Oh, later. We got movie sign!

Save it for later.

- Ugh, that was fun.
- Yeah.

So, Paul, what do you think?

Could the colossians
stand another letter?

Well, uh, I'm impressed.
I never seen anything like this.

A girl who responds to me.

But just out of curiosity,
what makes you so certain

that this thing
is a werewolf?

I mean, I don't want
to sound skeptical,

- but--
- but this is such crap.

Couldn't it be some kind
of a deformed animal?

Like a bear or a coyote
or something?

Chicken, capubera.

Why a werewolf?
I don't understand that.

Well, look, when Noel gets here
he can explain it in detail.

But let me
show you something.

When you look
at the structure of the leg,

- you can see--
- that I am stalling.

Oh, that must be Noel now.
[Chuckles]

- Oh, Yuri.
- Boom, another hairstyle.

What's he doing here?

Don't you know
this is restricted area?

Yuri, Paul's been cleared
by Noel.

He's here to help US
get more research funding.

Relax, there's no call
for unpleasantness here.

Where did you get
this clown?

Hey, look,
I really don't need this.

I didn't come down here

to be insulted
by a psychopath.

You calling me a psychopath?

I'll kill your whole family
if you call me that again!

No, stop it!

Action Paul!

- Ooh!
- Yuri, stop it.

Oh, the wind from the skull
is knocking me over!

Stop it! Stop it!

Get out of here!

Whoa, they better have
another one of these jackets

at chess king.

Get out!

Get out of here!

- Get out!
- I'm really sorry.

Clearly you're not a psychopath.
My mistake.

Get out before my dog tells me
to shoot the president.

Paul! Paul!

This is like that time
I hit that reporter

with piltdown man's
thighbone.

The movie's biggest fan.

- Hoo-hoo!
- [Chuckles]

She can't help but be impressed

by the way
I handled that situation.

The way I scurried out
when he ordered me to.

You know, if you look at it
a certain way,

I actually won that fight.

Ah.

Well, they cast me.

I guess they want me
to do something.

Flagstaff. I can't believe
I'm still in flagstaff.

Oh, weasels
ripped my flesh again.

Word of advice,
never have sex with flo-Jo.

♪ Aah

[grunting]

- Stop it.
- Stop it, immediately.

Hey!

It's the red shoe diaries
all of a sudden.

Roh, rat was ranrastic.

Daylight on the inside,
night time outdoors.

And back to waning daylight
outside. Okay.

♪ La

v--, zip, ee--...

I got mono.

♪ La

♪♪ [musical sting]

There's that table saw again.

He's doing iyen-grr yoga.

- Hoo-hoo!
- Good one.

[Grunting]

[Growling]

Oh, if I could just fart.

Aw.

You know, the antidote
to being a werewolf

just might be imodium a-d.

I don't want to be near him.

[Pained moans]

- Gonna throw up.
- Yuck.

So are we supposed to assume
a month passes

every few minutes
here in flagstaff?

♪♪ [Violin chord]

All aboard.

The danger of hair oil
graphically portrayed.

♪ La

oh, would he just
transform already? Jeez!

♪ La

♪♪ [imitating native American
tribal music]

Bacon, bacon, bacon!

Ready, wrestle.

Photographed
by Danny devito.

No, he does this
all the time.

It has nothing to do
with being a werewolf.

Coen brothers' scene.

Director got to borrow
his cousin's Dolly for a week.

A tree in spring.

Hello, Paul?

I'm not lichenthropising!
[Nervous chuckle]

Um, the dead sheep was here
when I moved in.

I'm fixing myself a drink.
You want one?

Uh, sure. I'll have
whatever you're having. Thanks.

[Chuckles]

Hey, great.
Uh, toilet water okay?

Uh, hey, your girl-group wig
is on crooked.

I didn't think I would ever
hear from you again.

I tried to stop you
when you left the lab,

but your taxi drove off
before I could catch you.

Come on, you don't
have to worry.

I'll pay for any damages.

Voice coach
was David duchovny.

Come on, Paul.
Don't be like that.

Why not? I screwed everything up
didn't I?

"Scooed"?

No, Paul, you didn't.

What happened at the lab
wasn't your fault.

You wet your pants and ran,
and that's fine.

Come on, Natalie.
It never would have happened
if I hadn't been there.

What happened
was only Yuri's fault.

I explained everything to Noel.
He doesn't blame you.

He knows how Yuri is.

That doesn't repair
the damage,

I mean,
your find was disturbed.

It wasn't as bad
as it looked.

There was no
irreparable damage.

The bones weren't bad.
We can piece them back together.

Believe me.
I do this for a living.

You console European losers?

- I hope you're right.
- Of course I'm right.

- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.

Now, get off your guilt trip.
We still need your help.

You might be
just our last hope.

So what do you say?

Someday I'm sure they'll explain
what he's the last hope for.

I'd love to.

- That's great.
- [Winces]

Paul, what's wrong?

Nothing.
Really, it's nothing.

It's just a scratch
from my fight with Yuri.

- Well, let me see.
- No, no, no.
Come on, it's nothing.

Take off your shirt.

All right,
but I'm telling you, it's--

oh, it really is nothing.
Quit your crying.

This is not a scratch,
it's a deep cut.

Uh, speaking of deep cuts,

does this scene
need to be in the movie?

♪ Love, soft as
a werewolf pelt ♪

You know, if she's scratches
his belly, his leg will shake.

[Chuckles]

♪ Ziggy played guitar

[howls]

- Reggie mantle, no!
- But Veronica...

Well, that's okay.
It happens to everyone.

Well, it happens to you.
A lot.

What seems to be
the problem, fella?

[Laughs]
My zipper's stuck.

- Ugh.
- [Giggling]

You know what,
why don't we

start the festivities
in the back seat?

Got some wd-40 back here.

Did you bring the raincoat?

What are you talking about?

You know what I mean.

You know, I don't know
what the big deal is.

- We aren't even naked yet.
- Oh.

I just want to know
if you brought one.

That's it. Ah, too late.

- Ah, forget it.
- Oh, sweetie.

- No, no, you blew it.
- I didn't mean--

- I didn't mean to upset you.
- You ruined the mood.

And what a mood it was.

- Sweetie...
- No.

Where's the keys?

- Where'd you hide those keys?
- [Giggles]

I bet I can fine 'em.

[Laughs]

I know how he feels.
I lost my keys once too.

-Yeah.
-Yup.

- Oh, my god!
- It's my dad!

Don't go without me!

- Oh! Oh!
- Wait! Wait!

Oh, dear.

So whatever they did in the bed
blew him out of his room

and halfway across town.

Oh, my god!
[Screaming]

Big...[panting]... werewolf.

It's Eddie vedder!

Aah!

When confronted by a werewolf,
this is important,

immediately leave your car
and run out in the open, okay.

[Screaming]

[Howling]

He's a wereworm.

And he's coming at her
at a frightening pace.

[Screams]

Somebody's
helping her scream.

You hear that too?

Sinead o'Connor
flees prince's house.

♪ [Hums chase music]

Wait, her dress is pre-muddy.

Suddenly
she's a medieval wench.

[Screaming continues]

Mud... impossible
to get through mud.

I was playing miss havisham
in the school play

when I was attacked
by a werewolf!

♪ And one, and two,
and step, change, and shuffle ♪

♪ and seven, and eight,
and werewolf ♪

Aah!

♪ You get a lot of dirt
with werewolves ♪

♪ you get a lot of clean
with tide ♪

Can't you see what I'm trying
to tell you? I love you.

[Imitates gurgling sound]

Butterfly kisses
gone horribly wrong.

Better-die kisses!

He's getting some healthy reverb
off of his howling.

Um, uh, thanks.

I'll call you. Bye.

Hey, honey, I finally
got the zipper down.

[Howling]

The third straight week
of the full moon.

He's reading, "so you think
you're a werewolf."

- By Tom and Virginia.
- Wolf.

Oh, John Grisham's prose
is just beautiful.

I'm overcome.

[Howling]

You know, just not my idea
of a werewolf.

I mean, he's somewhat
hirsute, but...

You know, it turns out
he's not a werewolf,

- he's just Greek.
- Ah.

I was framed, I tell you,
framed!

Oh, man, if only
I had some pamprin.

[Wolf howls]

Well, that's a...

Bill walton! No, Tom waits.

No, the lead singer
from the spin doctors.

No, it's Zachary Taylor!
That's it.

That's it.

- [Quacking sounds]
- Some duck in the room?

Quack, quack, quack.

He's becoming
were-Daniel stern.

Oh, I bit my lip!
Ow! Jeez that hurts.

What'd you say?

[Goofy laughter]

- He's growing guitar picks.
- [Growling]

All right!

Oh, my scoliosis. Ow!

- [Thunder booming]
- Oh, there's a storm
in the bathroom.

Are you werewolfing up here?
Because your damage deposit
does not cover that.

I know you're home.
Where are you?

It's economical not
to have a story line,

because then you can just
film people saying things.

Yeah. She's got a neck
like a masai warrior.

Well, I better take my pants off
and do some typing.

I'm crying because I miss
having no pants on.

- [Chuckling]
- [Growling]

- [Growling continues]
- [Gasps] Oh, no!

The toilet's backing up!

Hey, I'm just on the throne.
Come on in here and talk to me.

A Maurice sendak creature.

Aw, man, you only
rent victims, let me tell ya.

- [Snarling]
- Zero! I think you should put
Taylor back in his cage.

- Hey! It's Don imus!
- Nah, not scary enough.

Wow, here we go.
This is good, because it's been
a couple of minutes

- since a woman was brutalized.
- Yeah.

So, werewolves are
basically Jackson browne.

Live, from New York,
it's Saturday night.

I am the greatest!

You know, you'd get a lot more
done if you'd stop reveling

after each small victory.

Luckily, her big hair
cushioned the fall.

Oh, yeah, I pushed her down
the stairs. I'm the man!

He's almost as hairy
as Robin Williams.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Thank you.
- And now, back to kung fu.

♪♪ [Whistling, as at
the beginning of kung fu]

- De niro. Snipes. The fan.
- But the moon
is a beautiful sight.

- Come on!
- I'm home!

When it sinks low
on planet earth,

all hell breaks loose.

- Statistics show that
many wild things happen...
- Paul?

- When the moon is full...
- Jacket-wearing lessons.

Many scientists believe
that moon madness is a myth.

Someone so strange
on the phone.

Shh! I'm watching a guy water
his lawn. It's really cool.

...begins that ritual where
the moon's effect on a human...

You look like hell.
What's wrong?

Shh!

Paul!

Subtle signs of
becoming judd Nelson.

- [Laughing]
- I don't know.

- It's like a nightmare.
- As in school, nude.

It was a nightmare.
Running in the streets,

- doing things--
- oh, no! Not things!

Can't figure it out.

I really am scared.

Did I use my toner
this morning?

Maybe you were sleepwalking.

- My souffleé!
- When my brother
was alive, and he was...

- What time is it?
- [Laughing]

12:30. Why?

Thanks for turning off
the bad soundtrack.

Know what I really
want to do?

...is baby, be friends
with you.

I see this Indian
in the hospital.

I want to know
what happened to him.

Isaac Mizrahi
in the role of a lifetime!

What do you know
about this, huh?

Come on, Natalie,
what do you know?

- What are you holding back?
- I'm not holding back anything!

- Certainly not talent.
- He's in the hospital
because...

- Because what?
- Okay, I'll tell you.

Because if I saw five,
you'll say I'm fat.

I talk to Joe and Billy
as co-workers.

Come on, come on,
spit it out.

They said they saw him
turn into a beast!

Turn into beets?
That's horrible!

When he attacked them,
I had to shoot him.

That's why
he's in the hospital.

"Flagstaff. Industry. Family.

Foreign people
talking in attics."

I'm so sorry I got you
into this mess.

I'm very concerned
about your well-being.

- His wallabee?
- I'm glad to hear that.

My wallabee means
a lot to me.

[Birds singing]

[Servo making jungle noises]

Yeah.

Yeah, let's go
with orange jheri-curl.

Yeah. Well, let me tell you
something, al.

Wait. "Honey, what do you think?
Yellow mohawk?"

I think I'm going
to talk to you later. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll talk to you later.
Bye-bye.

"Your dental x-rays are back.
It's not good."

Uri, why are you
staring at me like that?

"It's after labor day,
and you're wearing white!"

I'm uh, going out
to get a license to carry
a concealed werewolf skull.

See you.

[Imitating woman]
"I don't know how to love him--"

[all]
Piranha!

Uh, you're sitting
in my petri dish.

Oh, honey, what's the matter?
Talk to Nana!

What is it?
What's troubling you?

Oh, it's nothing.

Now come on.
What are you holding back?

It's just that so many things
have happened

since we discovered
those remains.

- Not thingsagain!
- Wow.

Tom is in the hospital, and
Paul's been acting very strange.

Thinks he's turning
into a werewolf, Ben.

[Swallowing sounds]
"Werewolf!"

- You believe that?
- I don't know
what to believe anymore.

Try believing in esl
for a little while.

Do you realize
that if this is true,

it could be the greatest find
in the century.

Better than the new,
bigger cheez-its?

Not to mention the millions of
dollars that would be available

just for research.

I'm not concerned with
millions of dollars!

I'm concerned
with Tommy and Paul!

And cubby and Ronnie
and biff!

What are you
hiding from me, Noel?

- Tell me the truth!
- "You can't handle the truth,
dearie."

In due time,
you'll know everything.

Well, maybe then
it's too late!

Wow, the future conditional
pluperfect subjunctive!

Well.

Shtoppen be talkin'
and start with the chalkin'.

Yee-hoo.

"The color of horny."

Yeah, bikers love
harpsichord music.

He plays a well-tempered
clavier, man.

You're a hustler.

The cue-- you'll have
to pay for the cue.

- It was just a stroke of luck.
- Uh-huh.

- You're a hustler.
- No, I was inhustler.

- Rack 'em out.
- The uzebekistani
Tracy and hepburn.

Next to him,
I'm almost smart.

Oh, they suddenly turned
the air conditioning on.

Willie mascarpone.

Wait! Now he's got gray hair!

One side leaves.
The winner stays.

Okay, stop. Everyone
go up a shirt size.

- That's the American way.
- Although we haven't seen
an American in this movie yet.

It's all right, Paul.
I can handle this.

Mm, retsin.

- You play?
- Guess our hero will
go back to his writing now.

J.d. Salinger writes more
than this guy.

Hey, Cher has really
let herself go.

Now they're playing
the soundtrack from Ken burns'
civil war.

Fast eddy felson's sex change
operation was a big success!

Oh, wait, wait.
No, no. Is my beer
freshness-dated?

Oh, no, I think
it might be skunky!

- [Pants]
- I miss Europe!

♪ Around the world

♪ I searched for you

chubby ramone.

Who adjusted the flame so high
on my zippo lighter?

He's dreaming of
slimy cat-puppets!

So, they're not noticing,
like, hands ripping away

right next to them?

Hey, Paul, you're really
turning into a werewolf
over there--

anyway, three-ball
in the corner pocket.

Hey, she was solid.
She was.

Frederick Remington's
guernica.

Not a good sign when
the action in your movie

is upstaged by a mural.

- It's the angel sitting bull.
- Thanks for killing me
and all my people!

Enjoy our land!

Hey, did I have too much mescal?
Or does anyone else see those
Indians in the sky over there?

- Wyclef.
- Hey, biker.

Hey, rasta.

You lose, Yuri. As always.

- I'll catch you next time.
- On pectoral theater!

There will be
no next time, Yuri.

- Hi, girlfriend!
- Hey, you're good.

Let's see how good
you really are. I'll rack 'em.

People say "rack"
to me a lot. Why?

Ah, the movie
that takes its time
and hangs around in bars.

And there goes another one!
Man, the pool cue budget
must be enormous.

I'd like the five ball there,
and the 11 ball here--

perfect!

- So a werewolf co--
- ow, no! Hey! Watch it! Ow. Ow.

Get a-- watch out.

Man, you were right in my way.
I think I cut myself.

It's very simple, Mike.
Just don't fall on me anymore.

If you weren't so sharp
and pointy-- I think
I'll need stitches.

Well, pick up your feet
next time, you big-- hey!

Hey, Mike,
there's something about you.

I don't know, but suddenly you
are a very, very handsome man.

- Really?
- Yeah, I can't believe
I never noticed

how striking you are!
I mean, you are a god!

- Well, thank you. I just--
- [shrieks] Mike,
look at your hands!

- Feel your head!
- Hmm.

So I have claws and a net!
What's the big--
hey, wait a minute.

Ah, when you stupidly
fell on me, some of my essence

must have mingled
with your essence.

Yuck, don't say "essence."
Blecch! Ptah!

Why, you know what? I am
beginning to look and feel
like you-- and you know what?

[Mike and crow] I'm perfectly
comfortable with that!

[In unison]
Yes, that's exactly
what ithink!

Aah! He's a werecrow,
a werecrow!

Yes, okay?
Tell me how your feel.

- Well, I feel thin.
- Uh-huh.

- I have
an intense love for bacon.
- Oh, yeah.

And a sense of moral superiority
over everyone I meet.

Yes! Perfect! You're me!
[Chuckles]

- This is turning out great!
- Oh, man, I love US!

And me, crow.
[Kiss]

Will you excuse me? I'm going
to go throw up all over myself.

Yeah, whatever.
So what else can I expect?

Well, your voice is going
to change inexplicably
every seven years or so--

- okay, good.
- You'll start ordering salad
spinners by the truckload...

- From qvc...
- Already have!

Great! Uh-oh.

- Oh, we'll be right back.
- We'll be right back.

- What else?
- Well, you'll have to hide

your huge collection
of tattoo magazines.

Oh, good point.
[Laughs]

[Gagging]

Oh, this is exactly
what I wanted to see.

So, any given bennigan's
bathroom on any Friday night.

- [Retching]
- Sound familiar, Mike?

- Uh, cro-- mi--
- [retches]

Oh, thank you. The scene
wasn't repulsive enough.

Oh, it's just his
secret hair-dyeing place.

[Panting, labored breathing]

Paul?
- You're beautiful.

Hey, thanks for stinkin' up
the joint.

Do you knowhow much stronger
my sense of smell is as a wolf?

Why, if I wasn't a werewolf,
i'd-- oh-- [mumbles]

Oh, my were-tummy.

Turning into a werewolf,
plus my irritable bowel
syndrome's acting up too--

- [thunder]
- Oh, boy, harpsichord
music today.

[Growling]

- Still a mess. Yeah!
- [Roaring]

Newsies!

Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
But how's the pool game going?

- [Wolf howling]
- Gabby Hayes, werewolf.

No, he's running through
the streets doing things!

[Laughs]
Ah, great. A random citizen
that can kick a werewolf's ass.

Directed by Jackie chan.

Hey, man, what the hell
are you doing?

I am praying, all right?

Basquiat is in danger!

[Wolf howls]

He's attacking the grip truck!

"From lighthouse grip and
equipment, serving the film
industry since 1965."

I made it, ma!
Top of the farmer's bank!

♪ Where the streets
have no name ♪

Noel, this is not a figment
of my imagination!

By what happened to Tommy,
I swear I saw it happen to Vic,

the security guard,
right before my eyes.

The police have
his body at the morgue.

Paul has the same symptoms--
maybe even worse.

I know where Paul is,
and I suggest

you get all the units ready
and meet me at Paul's

before we lose him
like we lost Tommy and Vic.

We'll see. If Paul
turns out to be a--

- an actor...
- Naaldlooshii, a werewolf--

your reward will be
immeasurable.

Professor rivero,
I can't wait to show you.

- Okay, where is he now?
- I'm sure he went back
to his nest to hide.

Now we must get to him
before daybreak.

Before he returns to normal.

All right. I'm on my way.

I'm sorry.
I had to take that call.

So let's continue to explore
your feelings about your father.

[Hanging up]

Have you noticed that my accent
has grown as bad as yours?

Yuri, where's Paul?

You're askin' me?

This is not the time
for games.

What games?

What happened to him?

What him?

Is he in danger?

What danger?

That's exactly what
I want to talk to you about.

Look, his quarter's up
and he's holding up the table.

Let's talk.

I wonder what language
they'll use.

Austrian. Portuguese.
Bulgarian. Catalan.

Meanwhile, slash is still trying
in vain to sink a ball.

They have the greatest
pad Thai here.

We gotta try it.

You want a drink?

No. Just say whatever
you have to say.

We don't have a birthday
over here, do we?

I'm sick of birthdays.

Want a drink?

No. Thanks.

That'll be two nothings
at table seven.

I know this is going
to be very difficult

for you to understand...

Because of my accent.

But forget about Paul.

He's a full-blooded
werewolf now.

You know it, I know it,
Noel knows it.

And if you don't want what
happened to Tommy

to happen to Paul...

Buttons are neat.

Help US get him back
to the lab.

Put him in a cage,
hold a press conference,

and let the world see
what we've achieved.

Now, hold on.

There's more.

Noel and some of the guards

are on their way to grab Paul

and take him to the lab.

I resent violence. I don't want
anything to happen to him.

He's all we've got.

And I'm sure you don't want
anything to happen to him,
either.

So it all comes to this?

The thing that it comes to?

You and Noel is in it for fame
and fortune?

Yes. We is.

But over my dead body.

[Laughs]

You hear me?
I won't stand for it.

You is a jerk.

Hey, Natalie. Hey, Natalie.

I is going to find Paul.

Paul!

There's a business up there
simply called "r."

Oh, lovely.
It's two-for-one brain hammers
tonight, Martha.

Oh, he's dusting.

Yeah, his personal hygiene
is horrible,

but he's otherwise
a neat freak.

[Growling]

Ah, just made
the call to prayer. Whew.

What's goin' on?

Oh, my god.

This is so great.

Holy [...] God father.

Werewolf?

No, I'm a squirrel monkey.

Of course I'm a werewolf.

Leland sklar--survivalist.

Oh, no. Save me.

Uh, this is god. I've reviewed
it with the committee, and no.

We won't save you.

If this thing is a werewolf...

Aah!

Uh, would you mind eating this
jar of meat-tenderizer

before I kill you?

[Growling]

Whoever you are,
ugh,

don't hurt me.

Please!

Don't.
Don't, don't, don't.

Please.

He's got movements
like Anthony kiedis.

♪ Doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo ♪

The death of Oliver sacks.

Don't hurt me. Please.

Mr. Niles.
Is that you?

Wait, not fair.
He's still alive.

Yeah.

I'm Sam. The keeper.

His powerful bodily funk
finally comes in handy.

I'm the good guy.

Right, folks?

Oh, man. Running through
the streets doing things

really takes it out of ya.

Boy. I'd hate to see
his sink trap.

[Laughs]

Oh, why did I ever eat that
extra gazelle?

[Growling]

I've been a bad boy.
I'm giving myself a timeout.

Fellow Freeman brother
militia men, come to my aid.

Honey,
I is being home.

She has to rest up for her match
with Minnesota fats tomorrow

oh, god of battles.

Oh. Miss Natalie.

I don't think you should
go up there.

Something horrible
has happened.

I passed my tapeworm.

I was just prayin'
for the police.

I think we should
call the cops.

No, Sam.
Don't call the police.

I'll take care of him.

Don't worry about it.

Is the gun loaded?

This?
Sure, it's loaded.

I want you
to go to the window,

and if anybody
tries to break in,

shoot 'em.

You got it,
miss Natalie.

'Cause the real danger is from
the non-werewolves outside.

Right.

[Growling]

Paul?

Freddy krueger.
Hellraiser.

Paul.

[Laughs]

Paul?
Is you at this place?

Oh, that fiend Rick baker
tackled him and did this to him.

[Growling]

Starring resusci Annie.

Oh, my god.

Don't look.
I haven't been groomed.

Still she's more emotive than
Gillian Anderson.

Yup.

Uh-huh.

Paul.
You is a "werewilf."

[Laughs]

Say, that phone up there
is stacked.

Hey, Mike, would you
introduce me to that phone?

Cut that out.

Hi there.

Paul.

Is that a 1x6?
Oh, it's her acting.

Yeah.

Paul.
Please don't hurt me.

Think of my family
in Latvia.

I love you
no matter what.

Well, can you help me get
these bugles off my fingers?

[Laughs]

Itchy, these ants.

Yuri and Noel want to take you
to the lab and cage you.

She learned English from
the wild and crazy guys.

[Sobs]

Would you put on a long,
loose-fitting gown

and roll around
in the mud for me?

I am here to help.

I don't know how,

but I know I gotta get you
out of here.

This is very moving.

Meaning that I want to move

out of the theater
immediately.

Yes.

They're gonna
be here soon.

Randy?

Cinematography by
haskell wexler's cat.

And Jimmy Carter comes in
to negotiate an agreement.

I can't believe
people call me a psycho.

I'm gonna take
those people's heads

and carve 'em into ashtrays.

She's suddenly
in Philip marlowe's office?

Sort of bimbo noir, here.

Uh, swingin' by to see flounder
and bluto and pinto.

Oh, poor girl.

Last guy she dated
turned out to be

the Loch Ness monster.

Sorry I chewed your shoe.
I'm sorry.

Mm. Sam got himself
some seamless gutters.

Nice.

Never throw his fetch ball
against the picture window.

Huh.

[Laughs]

Um, excuse me,

did anyone see
a glass shard-encrusted

yetiglanchi go by?

Oh, his apartment is right
next to monument valley.

His jacket makes him look
like a "were-waiter."

Well, folks.
Should I follow him?

What do you think?

It's fruit brute!

[Crickets chirping]

Crickets are trying
to drown out the soundtrack.

Go crickets.

This is where Yuri's
Russo-Mexican tracking skills

will come in handy.

Hmm?

Fully a bear now.

Disguise myself
with my own arms.

And a bat, again.

♪ Wonder woman

oh, there's a graffiti-filled
underpass

in the deep woods.

[Growling]

Hang on.
My contacts fell out.

Hang on.

He's just scratching himself
with his own wristwatch.

[Laughs]

Ugh.

End of the euro-Chuck wepner.

[Growling]

Ugh.

Trying to get in one last
hair coloring before he dies.

Blood came out
of a Ralph steadman drawing.

Comanche.

[Gasps]

Well, he got between
Paul and his cub.

Even in death
he's sucking his gut in.

[Laughs]

Fortunately
the director wanted

no reaction in this scene.

Remember, Cindy.
Nothing gets in.

No information
ever reaches your brain.

Good.

And congress enacted
the pop rocks labeling law.

[Laughs]

[Footsteps]

I have a feeling that every bit
of her intelligence

is being used to climb
these stairs.

Mm-hmm.

Should I?
Yes.

I'll take the next step.

Shoe cam.
Actual shoes.

Looks like she wears
a size 38

or whatever the hell sizes
they use over there.

Ch-yeah.

Okay. She's a werewolf.

I think we're all ahead of ya,
movie.

Sorry.

She has dilbert-boss horns.

Mini blinds are fun to watch.

Look. He has a little bottle
of Mrs. Butterworth's

on his night table.

[Thump]

Uh, that was the sound
of the director

giving up and leaving.

[Laughs]

Did this movie not pay
its electrical bill?

Paul.

Okay movie,
she's a werewolf.

We really gotta call time
on this one.

I'm sorry.

Well, now, now, maybe she turned
into Eddie Van halen, see?

Yeah,
and she teased her hair,

then got downright sadistic
with it.

Oh, come on.

Dead people know
what's going to happen here.

Hey, if she's a wolf she'll have
three rows of breasts.

[Laughs]

Ew.

I'm not sure
how to feel about that.

Yeah, it's kinda...

She's meeting
maynard g. Krebs.

Hmm.

He's become
a "were-amish" guy.

It's gonna be a little
spirit gummy

when I first kiss ya.

[Sighs]

Surprise ending
written and conceived

by a tubeworm.

Ugh!
I stand corrected.

She's not a werewolf.
She merely joined
the cast of cats.

Mr. and Mrs. B.O. Plenty.

♪ Pow wow the Indian boy

♪ loved all the animals
in the west ♪

♪ we will we will

♪ rock you

♪ tusk

♪ well they ran through
the briars ♪

♪ and they ran
through the brambles ♪

♪ and they ran through
the places ♪

♪ where a rabbit
wouldn't go ♪

♪ gypsies tramps
and thieves ♪

♪ we heard it from the people
of the town ♪

♪ tusk

♪ high on a hill
lived a lonely goatherd ♪

♪ lay ee odl lay ee
odl lay hee hoo ♪

♪ here comes Santa claus
here comes Santa claus ♪

♪ right down
Santa claus Lane ♪

♪ tusk

♪ give it away give it away
give it away now ♪

♪ give it away give it away
give it away now ♪

♪ I've got a brand-new
pair of roller skates ♪

♪ you've got
a brand-new key ♪

♪ tusk

♪ admiral halsey
notified me ♪

♪ he had to have a bath
or he couldn't get to sleep ♪

♪ and the cat's in the cradle
and the silver spoon ♪

♪ little boy blue
and the man in the moon ♪

♪ in your easter bonnet

♪ with all the frills
upon it ♪

♪ one night in Bangkok
makes a ♪

♪ strong man crumble

♪ chicks and ducks and geese
better scurry ♪

♪ when I take you out
in a surrey ♪

♪ we were merely freshmen

♪ oh Susanna

♪ oh don't you cry for me

♪ 'cause I come
from Alabama with ♪

♪ with a banjo on my knee

♪ tusk

[Laughs]

Well.

Ah. Well, you look
just like me now.

I am.
I'm just like you.

Don't get me wrong.
I'm not complaining.

[Laughs]
Well, why would ya?

You look great.

Here, turn around.
Let me see all of you.

[Laughs]

Heck, I'll be taking pointers
from you, pretty soon.

[Laughter]

Ah, isn't it great being better
than everybody else?

It sure is.

[Laughs]

Oh, hi, crow.
Hi, crow.

Oh, no, i'm, uh, Mike.

I'm just a "werecrow."

You know,
crow here says pretty soon

he's gonna be taking
pointers from me.

[Laughter]

Yeah, that's great.

Look, I found some
essence of Mike I had stored.

Just inject a little and you'll
be right back to normal.

Well, uh, okay.

I'll do it when
I'm sick of being crow.

Uh, hey.
Where'd you get it, anyway?

I'd rather not say.

Ew.

It's powerful, though.
Spilled a little on me,

now I got blonde hair.

Plus I got that feeling
like i'm, uh, from Wisconsin.

- Wow.
- It's really weird.

I think I gotta
go lie down.

Uh-huh.

Well, uh, we better
see what Pearl's doing.

Uh, you gotta
hit it with your head.

Oh. Right.

Good.

[Laughter]

Time to watch me now.

Some said
it couldn't be done,

but drawing inspiration
from today's movie,

I am ready
to do what the world

has been putting off
for some time.

Injecting the essence
of a wolf into a man.

[Laughs]

Bring me the peasant.

[Laughter]

Now, bring me the wolf.

Okay, but he's
pretty vicious.

Watch out for those fangs.

I don't think
I can control him.

[Growls]

Well, you try getting a wolf
after midnight.

There aren't any 24-hour
wolf-o-mats.

Well, I got the peasant.

Oh, like it's really hard
to get a peasant around here.

Geez. You can't swing a dead cat
without hitting a peasant.

I think I did pretty good.

Well, the experiment's shot
because of bobo.

Yeah.

Should we start
a "we hate bobo" club?

Let's.

I'm president.

Jinx.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

[Laughs]

I could've gotten
a lot of peasants.

Anyway, he is a wolf,
isn't it?

Oh. Are you gonna bite me?

Oh, don't you bite me.

Look out.
He's gonna eat me.

Wolfie's gonna eat me.

Oh. Oh. He's eating me.

Oh, I'm dying.

Oh. Oh. It's terrible.
Oh. Oh.

This is absolutely
fascinating.