Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 10, Episode 2 - The Phantom Planet - full transcript

* in the not-too-distant
future *

* somewhere in time and space

* Mike Nelson
and his robot pals *

* are caught
in an endless chase *

* pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl *

* an evil gal
who wants to rule the world *

* she threw a few things
in her purse *

* and in her rocket ship
she hunts him
all across the universe *

[Pearl]
I'll get you!

* I'll send him cheesy movies

- * the worst I can find
- * la la la

* he'll have to sit
and watch them all *

- * and I'll monitor his mind
- * la la la

* now, keep in mind
Mike can't control *

- * where the movies
begin or end *
- * la la la

* he'll try to keep his sanity

* with the help
of his robot friends *

you're on.

Oh, my stars!

Check me out.

I'm different.

* if you're wondering
how he eats and breathes *

- * and other science facts
- * la la la

* just repeat to yourself,
"it's just a show *

* "I should really just relax

* for mystery science
theater 3000" *

- [Crow doing voice warm-up]
- [Tom servo clears throat]

Hi, everyone.
Mike Nelson here.

Not a lot of time to talk.
You see, crow

challenged Tom servo and I
to an Andy Rooney-off.

- No one questions my ability
to imitate Andy Rooney.
- ** [vocalizing]

Quiet. It's time
for the compulsory round.

Each of you will have
ten seconds to Andy Rooney.

- Your topic: Soup.
- Soup.

Crow, begin.

- [As Andy Rooney]
Uh, soup is funny.
- [Timer ticking]

It's not really a meal,

nor is it really a first course,

'cause it's mostly made
of water.

I find soup to be
the most watery of foods.

- [Gypsy] Michael j. Nelson.
- Okay.

- [Bell dings]
- [As Andy Rooney] Some soups
have beans in them,

and there are beans
that are as watery as soups,

but they're not soups.

I don't trust soups
on the whole

no more than I trust stews.

- [Gypsy] Tom servo.
- [Bell dings]

[As Andy Rooney]
There are French soups
with bread in them.

I don't really understand that.
To me, it's arbitrary.

Whether you put bread in a soup
or soup in a bread,

you still have sloppy bread.

- Freestyle.
- [Bell dings]

[Overlapping Andy Rooney
imitations]

[Timer clicking]

- Time!
- [Bell dings]

- The results when we return.
- [As Andy Rooney]
Results are funny.

[Overlapping Andy Rooney
imitations]

[Overlapping Andy Rooney
imitations continue]

I say...

I say the winner is...

You guys, shut up!

- Whoa.
- Geez!

[As Andy Rooney]
Ever notice
when gypsy gets mad...

[Overlapping Andy Rooney
imitations]

Oh, the hell with
every last one of you!

[As Andy Rooney]
Oh, hey, Pearl's calling.

You ever notice sometimes
when she calls,

the light flashes fast,

and other times
it flashes slow,

and other times
it's kind of a slow-fast?

- Kind of a slow-fast--
- I notice that
Pearl sometimes--

[Mike, robots continue
Andy Rooney imitations]

Oh, I get it.

You're "impressionating"
Mickey Rooney.

Cute.
Okay, look, nel-burger.

We're really busy.
We're just getting moved in.

I'm gonna rule the world,
and I do not have time
to get into it right now.

So just a brief overview.
I'm gonna rule the world.

That about covers it.

What should I do
with this box of "liver ats"?

Oh, that's my box
of live rats.

Put them in the basement.

Rats! Oh, goodness!

[Laughs]
It's here, it's here!

- Ohh, goody!
- Your order from spiegel
just arrived.

My world domination
starter kit.

- Lovely.
- Yes, contained in this box

is the very means by which I,
Pearl forrester,

will take over the puny,
whimpering world

and command its inhabitants
to kiss my grits.

This red-hot metal
of destruction,

the cold, blue steel
of this...

This what?
What is this?

- Where are the directions?
- Oh, here they are.

Uh, "congratulations
on your purchase

"of a doomsday machine.

Some assembly required."

- Oh, well, they didn't
send the thing--
- oh, great.

- ...for this thing.
- They didn't send the thing--

- oh, it says right here--
"thing ships separately."
- It's not in here, but...

- Oh, for the love of--
- I can't believe--

- help me! Rats! Rats!
Everybody, rats!
- [Rats screeching]

- Will you take that thing?
- Oh, no! No!

- Thank you very much.
- Help me!

- Ow! Ow! Ow!
- No thing, huh?

- Cool.
- Cool, man.

Must've been sent here
by mistake.

- We gotta get rid of it.
- No! It's ours!

Well, crow, it's dangerous.

- But we love it.
- Come on, Mike.

- It's our glowing thing.
We get to keep it! [Crying]
- Yeah. Come on.

You guys!

I really need that thing
for my thing.

You know, sometimes I feel

like you guys don't want me
to take over the world.

Well, never mind
how you've hurt me.

I still want you
to have your movie.

It's called phantom planet.

You're welcome.

- Oh! Oh, rats!
- [Rats squealing]

Oh, they're killing me.
Ow!

Bobo, you harm a single
one of god's precious creatures,

so help me, I'll kill you.

Oh, it got me in the eye!
Oh! Oh, boy! Ow! Ow!

- [Tom servo crying]
- I think I'd better
send this back to Pearl.

No! Don't let her take
our thing away!

We'll take care of it
and feed it and stuff!

- [Crying continues]
- Servo, whatever it is,
it's very dangerous.

Oh, so radioactive
immediately equals bad to you.

- [Alarm blaring]
- We'll talk about it later.

- It's movie time.
- I can't believe the way
you overreact sometimes, Mike.

[Man on radio]
Ten, nine--

- all green. Eight--
- I liked that thing.

- Seven, six--
- it's gotta go back.

- Okay.
- ...Five--

- it's a vocal leader.
- ...Four, three,

two, one, zero.

Grandpa tried to use
the microwave again.

Pat Buchanan's first day
as president.

[Male narrator]
Since the splitting of the atom
only a few decades ago

and through his
god-given genius of science,

man, at last, has succeeded

in penetrating
further and further

into the unknown vastness
of space.

The moon has become
the launching base

for advanced exploration.

- Of the moon.
- From this pivotal point,

astronauts,
at the risk of their lives,

set out to conquer
nature's mysterious forces.

- Like this granola.
- Yet many questions
remained unanswered.

- They do?
- What is his earth

in relation
to the inconceivable number
of other worlds?

- Oh, philosoph--
- is his speed
truly the fastest?

- Oh, I think that--
- his achievements the greatest?

- Well, it's difficult--
- or is he a mere unimportant
piece of driftwood--

- well, there are several--
- ...Floating in the vast
ocean of the universe?

You know, is he a loser?

Could there be life
similar to our own
on other planets?

- [Mutters]
- Is it not possible

that atmospheric conditions
of relative environments

control their shapes and force?

- Stop asking things.
- If so, would they be giants?

- Or--
- punks.

...could perhaps
the opposite be true?

- [Gasps]
- Could their intellect

have reached
a scientific level

far above man's dreams?

- Mmm.
- What, then, will
the future reveal?

- Um, lycra.
- This story you are
about to witness

- ...is only--
- a first draft.

...the beginning.

Well, that said,

enjoy your crappy Sci-Fi movie.

Eh, somehow the answer
to all its questions

is big white guys in jumpsuits.

[Chuckling]
Yeah.

- [Mike] Hey.
- Oh. Sorry.

[Equipment beeping]

Log entry.

Pegasus III.

- March 16, 1980.
- Oh, our old future.

Captain Leonard, pilot.

Lieutenant webb, navigator.

This is the seventh
and last day

of space reconnaissance
research.

Flight 361

from the United States
air force lunar base 1.

We're really sick of each other.

We are 21,000 miles from base.

Bearing at 2-7-0 degrees--

we're cranky and a little tired.

...2, 3 minutes.

Azimuth at plus 46 degrees,

4-6 degrees,

5-0 minutes ecliptic.

Crew cut at .5 inches.

- On routine successive
approximation
- [beeping]

By trajectory computer
using data from
the space position recorder.

Earl, are you gonna shut up
for even 30 seconds
on this trip?

- It's quiet
and lonely out here.
- Thanks, Earl. What am I?

And, frankly, we'll be happy
to get back to
that dreary old moon.

Makes you feel really huge
and significant, doesn't it?

- We're almost a degree
off trajectory, captain.
- [Beeping]

Equipment check's okay.

Must be an outside
acceleration force.

What do you know?
You're just an intern.

So you can just take
a sharp left in space.

- Something approaching fast!
- It looks crunchy.

- I'm setting up
for evasive pattern.
- [Mock crying]

A large planetoid object
is on a direct collision course
with US.

We are under 11 gs
exterior acceleration

and have no control whatsoever.

Sorry.
Can we not tape this?

I'm panicking right now.

Those nooks and crannies
really hold the butter.

Damn, it's deep-fried.

Captain, we're gonna hit!

- Weird. We're in space,
and I can hear you scream.
- Aahhh!

The phantom planet
is quilted for softness.

[Bleating]

- Sheep.
- Ah.

Starring these proud
representatives of the 1950s!

Yes, they all drove chevys,
they all voted for eisenhower,

and they all thought speedy
the alka-seltzer was hilarious.

[Joel muttering]

Oh, Richard kiel.
A real star for once.

Let US now proclaim the mystery
of delores faith.

** [Tom servo humming
along with soundtrack]

Honey bunches of death.

Oh, it was nice of the credits
to let those things through.

Yeah.

Oh, the guy who did
interplanetary sound

was named Walter dick.

See? Walter dick.

So? How is that significant?

Well, nothing.
Just his name is Walter... dick.

- [Chuckles]
- Well, thanks, crow.

Ah.

So the credits are just gonna
get tinier and tinier

until the movie's over then.

Well, movie, I sure hope
you can justify

all this personnel in the film.

Stupid universe,
quit expanding!

Attack of
the killer peanut brittle.

Wow. Big.

Hey, the same guy
who wrote the Messiah.

Fred gebhardt wrote
the Messiah?

No, the name before--
handel--

[scoffs]
Never mind.

No. Come on.
You're just recycling names
at this point, movie.

I guess focus groups
demanded more credits.

What happened to the fluffy,
absorbent credits?

I liked those.

Today, the moon narrowly missed
hitting a man's eye
like a big pizza pie.

Scientists believe
that's amore.

Honey, get your moon model
out of the living room.

They make them use
the doggie door.

Sir, I've been testing
the pressure equipment
for the Mars project.

Forget about that now, Chapman.
You leave tomorrow morning.

The general wants someone
with your experience.

- I don't know whether
to feel flattered or not.
- Don't.

What exactly
will I be looking for?

- Uh, floating space monsters?
- [Chuckling]

This is no joke, frank.
I wish it were.

- Don't make me hurt you.
- Sorry, sir.

You know how rumors
move around this base.

Well, that's one of the things
we hope that you'll dispel.

- Well, you're the colonel.
- I'm the weird guy.

I'll take a crack
at anything once.

I'm glad you said that, soldier.

And that's about
all you'll get, frank--
one crack.

All I need, sir.

- ** [dramatic soundtrack music]
- Geez! Just blast off,
I guess.

Don't wait for a countdown
or anything. Geez!

Does this tepid little scene
really deserve...

** [imitating dramatic
soundtrack music]

18,000 miles out
at 2-7-0 degrees azimuth

and 4-7 degrees ecliptic.

Speed: 4.6 miles per second.

[Singsong voice]
I'm not listening.

- Check. Computer guidance on.
- [Button clicks]

- Stability course on.
- [Button clicks]

- Directional rockets port off.
- [Button clicks]

- Directional rockets
starboard off.
- [Button clicks]

- Test automatic.
- Check.

- Party tape. Check.
- [Equipment beeping]

- That does it, captain.
- Honey.

- You can relax a bit now.
- Sweetie.

Takeoff's always the same.

My heart pounds
like a sledgehammer.

** [imitating beginning
of Peter Gabriel's
"sledgehammer"]

- How about the screen?
- Sorry.

[Buttons clicking]

The moon is fudge-dipped.

[Chapman]
Never fails to fascinate me
from up here.

You know, captain,

every year of my life,

- I grow more
and more convinced...
- [Scoffs]

That the wisest and best
is to fix our attention

on the good
and on the beautiful--

- don't hit him.
- ...If you'll just take
the time to look at it.

- You're some guy, makonnen.
- [Chuckles]

[Woman on radio]
Lunar base 1 to Pegasus iv.

Spaceship. Now with
gentle-glide applicator.

What's our elapsed time
from base?

14 hours, 22 minutes,
and 30 seconds.

You could stay up here
another 14 hours
and still see nothing.

- Even 1400 hours.
- Even 14 million.

That's about all
we can do, though.

Are you sure
we're still on course?

- Why?
- We're underwater.

Well, I have an idea.

- Turn to
2-7-8 degrees azimuth--
- you're mad!

...0-47 degrees ecliptic.

Yes, sir.

Changing course
to 2-7-8 degrees azimuth,

- ...hold 4-7 degrees ecliptic.
- [Beeps]

[Imitates beep]

Lansfield tells US
to charter the same course

Pegasus III took.

Well, that's fine, but I
don't think we'll get anywhere.

- Knowing US.
- If this strange planet

dashes about
like it's supposed to,

it figures we won't find it
around here,

so we're changing course.

Lightning never strikes twice
in the same place.

Precisely. You with me?

- Like I said,
you're the captain.
- Unfortunately.

- I like the new reading.
- Thanks, ray.

You know, captain,
every year,

I think more and more
of the goodest

and the nicest and bestest
that we can be.

Yeah, whatever, ray.

Hey, it's an adult rocket ship.

[Chuckling]

- You know, captain--
- shut up, ray!

We could go nuts out here
just waiting for something
to happen.

Wanna play asteroids?

- You seem pretty much at ease.
- You know, captain--

well, I figure it's just
the same as fishing.

You gotta be patient
and wait.

Drink lots of beer.

[Alarm beeping]

The electrostatic meter's
going haywire.

Lunar base 1 to Pegasus iv.
Can you read me? Over.

- Well, have you been published?
- Pegasus iv to lunar base 1.

We read you. Over.

You are completely
off course, Pegasus iv.

- Check your position
immediately.
- Or you'll get such a spanking.

- D computer and spectrometer
are out.
- [Beeping continues]

Pegasus iv to lunar base 1.

We are aware
of being off course.

Cannot explain at present.

We're entering
a heavy magnetic field.

Several instruments are out,
and I'm afraid others are going.

- And it's not my fault.
- Give US our exact position.

Over.

Pegasus iv, you are--
[Static]

Completely boned.

Cannot hear you, lunar base 1.
Over.

- [Static continues]
- He's so pretty.

Changing to manual control.

That's the good
and beautiful thing to do, sir.

[Ray]
Meteors!

Ach!

- Someone on the mir flushed.
- Ooh-hoo.

You know, captain,
I'm scared!

- Boy, that was close.
- Yeah. And I'm afraid
it isn't over yet.

Roving gangs of meteors
terrorize the galaxy.

Out of the way,
spaceship punk!

We're on a semi-closing course
with them.

Screen one's fading fast.
What about
the infrared detector?

- That's out too.
- The only thing we can do

is turn it 9-0 degrees
to the shower's path.

More meteors are coming.
It's our only chance.

That will be
3-1-1 degrees azimuth

and minus 1-2 degrees ecliptic.

Yeah, fine.
Just turn left.

- Here they come.
- Prepare the milk.

This is it.

- [Explosion]
- Doh!

I filled my pants, sir.
In fact, I think I filled
yours too.

[Chuckles]

Suckers! We'll be back!

Looks like the worst is over.

I see a lot of spots.

Those are ionized trails.
They'll persist for awhile.

Well, let's hope
there's no stragglers.

With these instruments out,

there won't be any way
to tell if they're coming
from another direction.

Trick now is to get back
to the moon.

Permission to talk
in flowery prose again, sir?

- I think we'll make it.
- Yeah.

I know you think that.

Okay, ray, let's go through
a type-b check.

- All right.
- Hop up on the table.

- Cabin pressure.
- 20, coming up.

- Retro port.
- 20 port, sir.

- Positive.
- Retro starboard.

- Positive.
- Main circuit one.

- Good and beautiful.
- Check.

- Negative.
- He looks so hurt.

- Main two.
- Negative.

- How can he say that to me?
- Let's try the auxiliaries.

- Main one.
- Negative.

- Main two.
- Cool, huh,
watching them check things

of which we don't know
what they are?

It's not in the circuits?

No. The meteors must've smacked
into the propulsion elements.

- The feed lines?
- Yeah, if we're lucky.

Well, there's only one way
to find out.

- Looks like it.
- Yeah. Strip down, oil up.

- You know--
- oh, boy. What?

- ...there's one thing sure.
- What's that?

They knew what they were doing
when they forced US

to go through those space drills
dozens of times.

If I remember correctly,
you had a different opinion.

- [Chuckles]
- Don't rub it in.

That was a bad and unbeautiful
thing to say, sir.

Would it be really
that much of a problem

to have human-sized doors?

Lipstick of the gods.

Man, when he starts talking
about his stamp collection,

I just gotta get outside.

Look. There's the problem.
The dryer's leaking.

In or out, kids? What, are we
heating the whole universe?

I gotta get the model number
for the repairman.

I miss the earth so much.
I miss my wife.

Uh, could you get your butt
out of my face, Ron?

Good thing there's
so much gravity out in space.

** [ambient soundtrack music]

Soundtrack by Percy faith
and his orchestra.

Hmm, that towel we stuffed
in that crack

really isn't doing the trick.

I can't believe you left
your tether ropes

at Lloyd's cabin.

Um, I'm not good at this, sir.

I'm only good at fruity,
philosophical speeches.

Don't move, Ron.
There are two giant eyeballs
on your back.

Ahh. You smell good, sir.
Like vitalis and bacon.

Doh-ho-ho!
Doh, Stanley!

It's a sperm whale-powered ship,
sir.

You have to watch out
for his glow-hole.

[Laughter]

You're terrible astronauts.

Oh, look.
It's the interior of our rocket.

Cool. You can see
where we sit.

This looks like it.

The retro rocket feed lines
must be cut.

The guy on the left
has a curvy puckeredesque butt.

Mosquitoes are bad tonight.

Yeah, it used to be great
when you could fix
those rockets yourself

with just a Crescent wrench
before all that computer stuff.

Yeah.

Frank, your air line's broken.
Frank!

- * motion in the ocean
- * ewww

- * his air hose broke
- * ew, oh

come on, captain load.

[Chuckles]

[Mike, as if over radio]
I'm coming, Elizabeth.
[Static]

Elizabeth, I'm coming.
Over.

It's black Bart and his gang.

Get away from that rocket,
ya varmints!

Okay. Break.
Back to position one.

And wrestle.

Since you're gonna
die anyway, Ron,

I'm gonna stick you
right in the meat locker, okay?

Uhh! Uhh!
Well, I'm glad you're safe, sir,
but could you lend me--

oh, never mind. I'm fine.
It's okay. I'll handle it.

Yep. Just got to, uh--
I'm fine.

If you could just prop
the door open--

nope. That's-- that's fine.

Could you just give a message
to my wife and kids,
if you have the ti--

well, never mind.

Our father who art in heaven,

hallowed by thy name...

- Hey, servo--
- you know, Mike,

every year of my life,

I grow more
and more convinced

that the wisest and the best
is to fix our attention

on the good
and the beautiful,

if you'll just take the time
to look at it.

Which is what I'm doing
right now.

I'm fixing my attention
on a nut goody

and a picture
of Anna Nicole Smith.

- Right. The good
and the beautiful. Sure.
- Right.

- And how's it going?
- Well, not good, Mike.

I'm unconvinced that
the Smith-goody combination

represents the perfect balance
between the good
and the beautiful.

Yeah. I see your point.
What if, uh--

what if I substituted
a picture of tawny kitaen
for the beautiful?

- Good idea.
- How would that work out?

- Let's try it out here.
- Hmm. Uh, yeah.

No. No, no, no, no.
Tawny kitaen is all right,

but now the good looks,
well, kind of scrawny.

Okay. I see your point.
But what if I substituted

this plate of sauerbraten
for the good?

- Good and substantial.
- Let's give it a whirl.

- What do you think?
- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

I think it's the perfect balance
of good and beautiful.

- Yeah. You know what?
- What?

Even I grow more
and more convinced

that the wisest and the best

is to fix our attention
on the good and the beautiful.

Represented by a plate
of sauerbraten and picture
of tawny kitaen.

Right. Uh,
we'll be right back.

You wouldn't wanna try
tiffani Amber thiessen
and eggs florentine, would you?

Mm. That's a little
out there for me.

You got the spinach
and the thiessen.

- It's a little wild.
- I'm not sure that would work.

** [humming]

Ah.

Oh, man! I burned a pan
of Mac and cheese

and fell asleep
in the t.V. Room again.

I hate it when I do that.

The u.S.S. Pen cap.

An even shorter door.

What, did they design this ship
for Danny devito?

I guess I could've helped him
when he was floating away,

but I was just so beat.

[Groans]

- Ray...
- My tummy's feeling better.

- Ray...
- Could I have soda crackers
and 7up?

[Mock groaning]

Lieutenant makonnen...

I'm gonna puke,
and it's gonna float around.

The headrest is made
of hot dog buns.

Okay, let's take roll call.

Me. Here!

Ray. Dead!

Okay. Good.
That's clearer now.

Well, I have all the tang
for myself.
[Chuckles]

A dropping's
headed right for him.

Good morning, Mr. Odd-face.

** [eerie ambient
soundtrack music]

** [imitating
soundtrack music]

- He really pitted out
his face here.
- This is captain frank Chapman,

the pilot of Pegasus iv.

My ship is being drawn
toward an asteroid.

Well, I let my ship be drawn
to an asteroid.

Instruments completely
out of operation.

Navigator makonnen... lost.

Well, I lost him.

I cannot read my position.

I'm gonna try to land.

I don't think I'll make it.

If I do,
I'll continue recording.

In short, I failed.

Hey, look.
You can see the rocket's fuse.

There's a French-burnt peanut
off the port bow.

It's extra crispy.

No, wait.
It's original recipe.

Oh, no.
It comes with slaw.

- Oh, my contacts.
- Ooh, my contacts too.

[Mike]
It's the movie. You guys don't
even wear contacts.

Oh. Sorry.

Who knew that halls vapor action
could be so powerful?

Ooh.

Maybe they'll run into
Wallace and gromit
on a cheese tour.

Yeah.

Geez,
how did I manage to land

without that mincing
little copilot

jabbering about the good
and the beautiful?

Better deploy my rugged,
handsome independence now.

Where's the hookup
for my airstream?

Scylla and charybdis.
Actual footage.

Oops! My keys are still
in the-- doh!

I claim this land
for strange-looking
blond men everywhere.

He needs a posture pal.

[Imitating chimpanzee
chittering]

[Groans]
Turns out it's not funny at all

when you fart
in a spacesuit.

* oh, what a beautiful morning

* oh, what a beautiful day

it's one small step for man,
one giant leap for man--

ow!

It's a spaz-tronaut.

Man, I am so far
from the terminal.

I've landed
in a sea-monkey bowl.

Ah. Oh, yeah.
Don't fall down.

I just remembered that
from astronaut training.

Is he waiting for triple-a
to come help him?

That's a hell of a sand trap
to be stuck in.

Ah, yes.
Foster Brooks in outer space.

Wow. This place is great
for my sinuses.

[Chapman's voice]
We seem to be entering
a heavy magnetic field.

Some of the instruments are off
and others are going.

[Ray's voice]
Meteors!

[Woman's voice]
You're completely off course,
Pegasus iv.

Check your position
immediately.

Congratulations, Mrs. Astronaut.
It's a boy, boy, boy, boy.

- [Ray] Frank--
- wake up, frank.

You wet the bed, bed, bed.

Frank, you'll have to take
third grade again-gain-gain.

- [Voices continue]
- Frank, this is northwest
collection agency.

Do you value your credit rating?

I'm afraid you're not
7-Eleven timber,
frank, frank, frank.

Frank, you're the worst
party clown we ever had,
had, had.

[Ray's voice]
I wish it were.

- Come out, come out.
- [Giggling]

Are you a good spaceman
or a bad spaceman?

Let's put shaving cream
in his hand and tickle his nose.

Come on. I took care
of that gulliver clown.

I'm just gonna beat up
his left eye.

Abrasive, microscopic orderlies.

Boy, I'm hungry,
and they're right there,

and they're snack size.

Sir, you landed
on our hospital.

Uh, hang on.
Let me just, uh,

adjust your contact lens here.

- No! A colony of tiny mimes!
- Agh!

If his zit pops,
we're all dead.

- [Thud]
- Ow, my cornea!

- Cut it out.
- [Thudding]

- Hey, Steve, do "wipe out."
- [Frank inhales]

- [Gasps]
- He's gonna sneeze!

** [string instrument:
Harsh, discordant tones]

Wow. He's got a shape
like Dr. Beverly crusher.

He ought to try
an ultra-relaxed-fit spacesuit.

- You are the great
god wide-hip.
- [Chuckles]

** [continues]

Uh, sir, you need
a zantac or something?

Somebody rubbing a cat
against a zither?

What is that?

We've got to start
a basketball team, you guys.

I could use one of you guys
to pick my teeth.
That okay?

- Mommy!
- Aahhh!

- ** [continues]
- ** [imitating
soundtrack music]

Hey, grab his visa
and charge tiny things.

Run up a huge tiny bill.

Well, we could hollow him out
and make condos out of him.

[Man]
Look. His helmet is open.

[Man #2]
The giant is getting smaller.

[Man #3]
Will he become our size?

[Mike]
Finally, I'm a size eight.

Oops. No. A size six.

Size three.
Oh, that's too small now.

Well, if you chug ten boxes
of slim-fast,

that's what you can do.

What were these guys doing
before he arrived?

Help! I'm being smothered
in my own jockey shorts!

Help!

What's he doing in there?
Stop it!

Ew!

Oh, why did that have to shrink

twice as much as the rest of me?

Yesterday I was
a bold astronaut,

today I'm a 12-count
party shrimp.

Oh, yeah. Just put me
in your crash and ignore me.

Ron, why don't you go in there
and mop up for US, huh?

Athol fugard is scared.

[Meekly]
I'm a giant. Roar.

I hope this planet is tolerant
of nude people.

Hey. Hey, buddy.
Where's your v-neck smock, huh?

- Let's go in and get him.
- Option. Flood the zone
on three. Go.

- He could have a weapon.
- [Man] He should stand trial.

[Man #3]
We must take him to sessom.

Man, it stinks in here.
It smells like sweat
and hair oil. Ooh!

[Mike]
Ah! Help!

Something fleshy's touching
my lower back.

I just wanted to borrow
a cup of sand.

[Tom servo]
He is an alien.
He only has one.

We must bring him to pilot.

I could've took him.

- We will begin the trial.
- Yes, sessom.

We must command the fire--
wait.

- No.
- That's the wrong movie.

Aloha and welcome to Hawaii.

[Man]
Thank you, sessom.

Bring in the jurors.

Or the cocktail waitresses.
Whichever you prefer.

Man, you can just bring in
jurors all day

- ...as far as I'm concerned.
- Yes!

Will ipsalata step forward?

Laura petrie,
you are charged with treason.

Here's my toenail clippings.

Everyone gets one skittle.

One, Debbie.

Here, nanette fabray.

Lily Taylor.

Kitty Carlisle.

Kate winslet.

Elizabeth Montgomery.

Call the prisoner.

Bring in the prisoner!

** [bass drum]

** [imitating beginning
of the olympic anthem]

Stand here.
In front of our leader
and our judge.

- You mean the old guy
in a dress?
- [Chuckles]

Is the prisoner
from another world

ready to hear the charges
against him?

Charges? What charges?

- Yeah, the charges against you.
- I will ask the questions.

- So bite down, mister.
- Are you ready to stand trial?

It seems I have no choice.

Rose and Valerie
screaming from the gallery.

But first I wanna know
what I'm charged with.

Eyes front, Mr. Horny pants.

[Man]
We'll let you know in time.
What are you called?

- Chapman. Frank Chapman.
- Chap stick Chapman.

What is your occupation in
the world from which you come?

I'm a captain in the air force
of the United States,

a country on earth,
space exploration wing.

- Ooh, exploration.
- Yes.

But you must know about US.
You speak our language.

- We do not speak it--
- we belch it.

...but here on rheton--

rheton?

Yes, rheton,
the name of our planet.

Rheton Chong.

Here we are able to translate
all languages

through voice tone waves.

Why all these explanations?

- Let's just stomp him!
- Let US go on with the charges.

You're right, herron.
This is no time
for explanations.

- Let me explain--
- man from earth,

you are accused
of causing injury
to one of our people.

I thought I was being attacked,
and I defended myself.

With courage and nudeness.

I didn't wanna come
to your world.

I lost control of my ship.

It was like being pulled
toward your planet

by an enormous
gravitational force.

- Thank you.
- You were. When you came into
our path of travel.

Path of travel...

Uh, is that the path
you travel on?

Phantom planet...

We managed, just in time,
to control your landing

by releasing the pressure
in our space warp.

I don't understand.

There are many things
you will not understand here.

Big and obvious doorknob.

Maybe in time, you shall.

In time?

That is correct.

The jury will now vote

and find you guilty
or not guilty

for inflicting injury
on a rheton man.

We find him guilty, guilty!
G-u-i-l-t-y.

Guilty, guilty!
G-u-i-l-t-y.

Whoo! Yay!

The guilty party will receive
a dream trip to sunny Cancun.

- Inherit the wow!
- The verdict, judge.

We wrote it out
on our eyebrow pencil shavings.

Uh, I'll take a peppermint one,
I guess.

- I find you guilty as charged.
- Hmm?

You are now a free subject
of rheton.

The jury is dismissed.

That is all.

You just simmer down, mister.

You are now a free subject
of rheton.

That is not all.

Listen, I don't know
what kind of a place this is,

but you must have some kind
of law here.

This planet pulled me to it.

I didn't come here by choice.

By being here, you cannot
be permitted to leave it.

We must keep our security
at any cost,

so I must pronounce you guilty.

Yeah, what dad says.

No penalties will be lodged
against you.

But you must become
a subject of rheton.

You get a dress like mine.

Trial is concluded.

Nothing is concluded.

What is this?
First I'm found guilty

of something
that's not my fault,
and then I'm set free.

Well, free to go where?
Back to my world
six inches tall?

Don't worry.
No harm will come to you.

Just don't step
in our many bear traps.

- I'm liara, sessom's daughter.
- Ooh.

- I'll show you
to your quarters.
- [Imitating robotic whirring]

Come.
We'll talk on the way.

And Wednesday Addams
is crestfallen.

What has happened to me?

You mean your size?

Well, our atmosphere,
together with some acceleration

from our gravitational control,
has reduced you to normal.

- Normal?
- Normal for US.

You see, everything here
is in proportion
to our planet's size.

- Really?
- We know several worlds

that have creatures
larger or smaller

according to the size
of their world.

You're explaining it
to a garden slug.

Do you feel any different?

No, but it's not
exactly funny to think

that someone on earth
could carry me about
in their pocket.

Oh, well,
that would never happen.

You see,
oxygen in your atmosphere

would restore you immediately
to your regular size.

- So people are just balloons?
- Yes.

But either way,
it wouldn't matter.

You'll never see
your world again.

Ha-ha! Burned you good,
astro boy.

Hey, your dark-haired friend
seeing anyone?

Man, there's no ham left.

Nothing yet?

No, sir.
No contact for two days.

Lunch is ruined.

I'll wait another 24 hours.

Then, with or without orders,
I'm sending out a search party.

[Mike imitating sessom]
And that's why I'm dressed
as Quentin crisp.

- You wanted to see me?
- No.

Yes. Will you excuse me?

There seems to be a problem
with your credit card, sir.

- We must talk
about your future.
- Plastics, Benjamin.

Your future on rheton.

My future on rheton?

I wanna talk about
getting back to my world.
Back to earth.

I'm afraid that is impossible.

You might as well accept
your fate.

Your fate of being
one of US.

And being one of US,

you must be productive
in one way or another.

Well, what is it
you want me to do?

You must help US to keep
spaceships from your world
from landing here.

But that's my only hope
of getting back.

- Don't go there, man.
- Forget about it.

Sessom rules US,
and we are content.

We're filled with joy! Okay?

Now, can't we get on
with this, sessom?

Herron is hasty.

We all are.

Our lives have been changed
so much.

- I would like you
to become acquainted with--
- herbalife.

...our ways.

Later, you may choose a wife.

Wives are men here, by the way.

- [Sessom] Liara or zetha.
- Mm.

Zetha cannot speak,
but she is a fine woman.

Well, between the two,
it would be difficult
to make a choice.

- Choose her!
- Choose her!

- [Sessom] It is no problem.
- Try both.

You may take your time.

But once you've made
your choice, remember--

if you touch them,
they explode.

...it must not
be taken lightly.

You must be hungry.
Come with me.

Liara...

Go now and learn our ways,

and perhaps you may help US
with our problems.

You can decide about this later.

Now you need to eat and rest.

But I wanna stay
and listen to the old guy.

[Chuckles]

Ooh, that's her personal record
for getting nude.

That's amazing! Whoo!

Let her go.

[No audible dialogue]

Yeah, it's all finished.
Now it's just time
for the decals.

- So cool, man!
- Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Wow. What do you--
oh, Pearl's calling.

Aah! Uh, Mike!
Pearl's calling!

- Where the heck is he anyway?
- I don't know. I--

oh, wait a minute.
I was supposed to help him
with something, wasn't I?

- I don't know.
- I can't remember.

- Well, I'm sure
he'll cover for me.
- He usually does.

- Anyway, I'm gonna put on
some flames maybe.
- Cool!

- I was thinking
of putting on a skull.
- Oh, yeah!

- "Double-f into triple zed"--
- that's the one that goes...

I simply don't understand that.
This is like--

- hello, toys.
- Oh.

As you can see,

our doomsday device
is coming along quite nicely,

and soon the world
will kneel before me...

[Ghostly voice wailing,
chain rattling]

- What was that?
- I-I don't know.

- It sounds like...
- [Ghostly voice,
chain rattling continues]

It sounds like some horrible
disembodied spirit.

[Ghostly voice,
chain rattling intensifies]

It's getting closer.

This haunted tomb of a castle
has produced

some ancient,
hellish hell spawn

to-- to wreak vengeance on US
for our wicked ways.

I'm not ready to die.

I just wanna rule the world.
Is that wrong?

Oh, it is among US.

- Oh, Pearl, hold me.
- Aah!

Embrace me
in this moment of oblivion.

- Oh-ho-ho, we're doomed.
- [Muttering]

Oh, man, am I tired.
[Laughs]

I feel like I'm dragging a safe.
I need a nap.

What the hell is this?

[Laughs]

Ain't that the berries!

I've been dragging this chain
all over the dang castle.

Whoo! No wonder I'm so tired.

[Laughing]

Ohh!

Oh!
[Mutters]

- Brain guy.
- Madam.

Get the pipe wrench,
and then murder bobo, won't you?

[Bobo snoring]

Glad to.

Thank you.

What are you looking at?

Get back into that theater, you!

Yeah. Then I'm gonna throw on
some baby moon hubcaps.

- Oh, man, that'll be so--
- it's gonna look so cool.

- What, what, what?
- There's Mike! He's out there!

Doh! Oh, yeah. That's right.
I was supposed to keep
an eye on him.

- [Laughing]
- [Laughs] You!

- [Alarm blaring]
- Oh, hey, Mike,
better get your can in here!

- It's movie time!
- Yeah, stop messing around,
Mike! Come on!

He's eating the wall.

This is good.
What is it?

I think it's the equivalent
of your breadfruit.

We made it chemically for you
since nothing grows here
on this planet.

- Hi, Mike.
- Oh, man.

- Here. Drink this.
It's good for you.
- [Mike muttering]

- It'll help make you rest.
- Thanks, you guys.

- You need it.
- You say nothing grows here.

- Okay.
- Then how do you exist?

Well, our bodies
are so constructed

that we need very little food
because of the air we breathe.

Next scene. Go!

- Feeling better now?
- Well, my neck's a little sore.

- I hope so.
- Yes. But I'd like
to get out of here.

Could you untie my legs?

You're a strange one,
frankchapman.

- I'm a strange one?
- You're a girl.

What about everybody else?

And don't call me frankchapman.

My name is frank Chapman.
Two words.

First word sounds like, um...

Yes. Frank Chapman.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be so rough.

It's just that
this is so new to me.

Ladies and words and stuff.

You know what I'd like to do
if I had a choice?

- What?
- I'd like to return
to my ship.

Yeah, well,
return to my butt.

Well, that's impossible.

- Then, you see,
I'm still a prisoner.
- Not at all.

You're free to go
anywhere here on rheton.

- All 50 feet.
- Except to my ship.

Your rocket is no longer
on this planet.

It was towed.

It was sent off last night
while you were sleeping.

Words are just
bouncing off his skull.
[Chuckles]

[Chatter over radio]

The rescue ship
is in the countdown phase, sir.

They're waiting for
your final operation orders.

Is he listening
to the ball game?

Put me through to the captain
of the rescue ship on launching.

- Yes, sir.
- God, I love caramel.

- Beecher, this is lansfield.
- So?

Yes, colonel.

Beecher,
your final instructions

are being teletyped
on your recorders.

- Yes, sir.
- As you know,

something unusual
must've happened
to Chapman and makonnen.

- The rocket tipped over, sir.
- And I don't mind telling you

that it's
of greatest importance
to space travel

that we find out
exactly what happened

to these two men.

So blast off and good luck.

We'll do our best, colonel.

- Don't tell him that!
- [Chuckles]

Anonymous similar guys, away!

So which part of the universe
you wanna search first?

Wow. This is almost as good
as 2001...

Nails driven into your eyes!

- [Chuckles]
- [Scoffs]

You know, other captain,
every year, I become
more and more convinced--

- shut up.
- Sorry.

Wow. No one told me
about the black ice
out here in space.

[Imitating rocket whirring]

[Whirring stops]

[Mock gasping]

Oh, sorry about
depressurizing the cabin.

Next time, I'll warn you.

[Chuckles]

I can't believe all NASA flights
are nonsmoking now.

[Scoffs]

Oops. Excuse me.
Those lentils.

Space batch!

Open the door!
Open the door!

- [Imitates clank]
- Oh!

Hey, collecting
for the march of dimes
is complicated in space.

- Hey, they have
a nice mud room.
- ** [ambient soundtrack music]

- * some guys in space
- ** [humming along]

* some guys in space

Denise, come on.
The car's running.

[Chapman]
I cannot read my position.
I'm gonna try to land.

Denise, come on!

I don't think I'll make it.

If I do,
I'll continue recording.

[Breathing heavily]

[Sniffs]
Oh, it's like a garbage ship
in here.

This is captain frank Chapman,

the pilot of Pegasus iv.

And crew killer.

My ship is being drawn
toward an asteroid.

Instruments completely
out of operation.

Sorry. I ran here.

Man, arithmetic is just hard.

Um, sum...

I can't work
under these conditions.

Gorgeous women waiting
to serve my every whim.

I must know more about
the directional flight machine.

- When the time comes.
- Well, the time has come.

- The walrus said.
- I want to speak to sessom,
and right now.

Stupid leach woman.

- Very well.
- Hey.

Looks like som
is rapidly approaching non.

Mm-hmm.

[Imitating sessom]
But I think belted at the waist
gives me a slimmer look.

- Don't you agree?
- [Clears throat]

Oh.

Father...

Frank Chapman wishes
to speak with you.

- Do you want to talk
about liara?
- Mr. President.

That isn't what I came here
to discuss.

My work has reached a stage,
and I need to know more
about your gravity control.

[Quietly]
Anyway, the blouse is on sale
at talbots today only.

It's too soon.
Now, how do we know

he's not a spy
for the solarites?

You're too distrusting, herron.

Are you a spy for the solarites?

All right.
You may see it.

Although I don't know why
in the hell you'd want to.

Let me just lift my skirt.
There it is. Ta-da!

Now we shall dive
into the mosh pit.

This came out
of lyndon Johnson's gallbladder.

- Incredible.
- Edible.

But how?

The high density of our planet

made it possible for US
to advance gravity

and, therefore,
antigravity theories.

It's beyond me.

Einstein was working
on this problem,

but he died before
he could complete
his investigation.

I'm trying to work here.

What causes rheton's
high density?

The atoms on this planet
have narrower
electronic orbits--

- uhhh...
- ...Than the atoms
on most other planets.

The smaller they become,

the easier it is
for US to control

and take advantage of positive
and negative gravity.

Why is rheton getting smaller?

This planet is slowly
using up the energy

that holds
the atomic particles together.

- Oh.
- You mean you might
disintegrate into nothing?

- Yes, someday--
- when you're older.

...but it will not be
in our time.

- Ah.
- Well, I guess it's
the same as on earth.

We don't seem to worry
that our sun

might be cooling off
in many millions of years.

Yeah, but danger for US
is that sudden bursts

of concentrated heat
directed on rheton--

oh, sure. You're gonna
get that. Oh, yeah.

...might suddenly speed up
the process of time.

You think that's possible?

We have enemies who want
our knowledge of gravity

and who know our weakness.

You're expecting an attack?

When you have enemies,
you always expect an attack.

Uh, quiet down. I'm putting
my hands over things here.

[Chuckles]

Stud service!

[High-pitched voice]
Eeee!

Sorry.

He's just out
for his morning swagger.

** [humming]

Huh? Oh, yeah.
Take it off.

Oh. Sorry, sir.
[Chuckles]

Sleeping on a big slab
of tuna steak here.

Hello.

We're closed.

How do you sign
"beat it, loser"?

I'm sorry my waist
is so big for you.

You wanna play?
I got a banana-seat bike.

I'm gonna take a walk.

Stir-fry some vegetables.

Will you join me?

We could lick some walls.

Come on.

Well, I was kind of
doing some stuff.

I got a lot--
well, okay.

I'll take a walk with you.

You know, this is the first time
I've had a chance
to talk to you alone.

It's almost like you've been
avoiding me or something.

Let's just walk over here
to the other end of the planet.

So, do you like anything?

Or do you know things or...

Hey, his helmet is now
a major make-out spot
on the planet.

How is it you're more different
than the others?

Or less the same,
is what I'm saying.

I don't mean your silence.
I--

I mean, you're warmer,
more sensitive.

I like potatoes!

That wasn't really a question,
'cause I know you can't answer.

So I'll keep talking
and talking.

I just wanted you to know
how I feel.

Strange world...

Anyway, let's get busy!

I don't wanna hurt, liara.

- You don't either.
- Yes, I don't.

No, I do. What?

I like you.

And you can't say
you don't like me.

[Chuckles]

Let's go check out my armpits.

Heh-heh-heh.

I just smeared atomic bomb
in his underpants.

Look at this guy.
George Shultz
is more expressive.

I have charges to make
against the earthman Chapman.

Old guy's stoned
on beta-blockers.

He is imposing himself
both on liara, your daughter,

and the mute girl, zetha.

Now, this is an insult
to liara--

you know I love her--

and a direct insult to me.

- I am asking-- rather--
- blandly.

...i am demanding
your permission
to challenge him to the duel.

Hey, Betty and Veronica.

These two are bothering me
with their lady things.

You sent for me?

Yes. I have reports about you
that are not good--

that you're causing
much trouble.

What am I supposed
to have done now?

You are forcing your attentions
on liara,

and then on the mute girl,
zetha.

That's not true.
Why don't you ask them?

- He lies!
- Silence.

- I'm the one
in the velvet dress.
- Is it true?

Has he forced himself
or his attentions upon you?

[Mike]
That means "yes, oh, yes,
please help me."

Why would she admit it?

Perhaps she's afraid of him.

Being mute,
she's unable to defend herself.

[Voice similar to Henry Fonda's]
Maybe she's protecting me.

Henry Fonda.

Listen, I'm not gonna
be put on trial or questioned

by you or anyone else
for something I haven't done.

You know, buddy,
I don't like you.

Maybe it's a carryover
from earth and not good taste,

but I'd like to hang one on you.

- Chapman--
- would you hang one on me?

...herron has challenged you
to the duel of rheton.

Do you accept his challenge?

A duel for what?
What kind of a duel?

This guy doesn't look
very honest to me.

A duel of bravery.

Yeah. Fine, liara.
Anyway--

you know, Mr. Sessom,

maybe this duel business
is a good idea.

- Might clear the air a little.
- Lacquer hair.

So how do we go about it?

Later, they went about it.

Uh, you didn't need
to take your shirts off.

- Herron--
- you're a blue waterfowl.

...you know the rules
for the duel of rheton.

But for him,
I'll have to explain

and show the results.

Chapman, come here.

He's showing off
his ray bolger physique.

Those are gravity plates
that we've had placed here.

Their intensity is so high

that any object
or any person

placed on any one of them

would immediately disintegrate.

Kind of a dumb purchase, really.

- Here. Let me show you.
- Let me just dry
my hands first.

[Whirring]

This is a meat loaf
we just made.

[Whirring continues]

The audience is hemorrhaging.

[Mock gasping]

The linoleum tile of doom!

[Scoffs]
So? My dad has one of those.

The duel of rheton
is one of physical strength

and skill.

- You will use this rod--
- the rod, please.

...and attempt
to push your opponent

on top of one of
the gravity plates.

You saw what happened
to the rock.

[Imitating Sean Connery]
I starred in it
with Nicholas cage.

Suck it in, tiny.

Get ready.

What I'm saying is,
let's get ready to rumble!

Put the combat rod
in position.

Geez! The old guy
calls it his "combat rod"?

- I can't believe it.
It's disgusting.
- No.

- [Mike muttering]
- Oh, wait.

- Is that what
he's talking about?
- Maybe not.

You also have to fight
around our bike rack.

They stole that
from al Pacino's football field.

[Chuckles]

Uh, we're just gonna
pour some concrete
while you're fighting.

Wanna just
Indian wrestle instead?

You know in a few minutes,
they'll be the best of friends,

slugging back tranya.

They really gotta cooperate
to kill each other.

[Chuckles]

Time! Good match.

At my signal,
you will start the duel.

There can be no quarter called
and no quarter given.

We need them for the laundry.

- The fate of the victim--
- [whispers] Sorry.

...is in the hands
of the Victor.

The moment has come.

At my light signal,
you will proceed.

- [Beeping]
- Uh, was that the signal?

It was kind of dim.

- Push.
- Push.

Hey, boys.

[All]
Puuush!

- Push.
- Push.

Yeah, this'll be on t.V.
If they ever have ESPN 6.

You can still see combat rod
fights in Mexico City.

Huh?

And now, flood the arena.
Did we tell you about that?

You know, combat rod
used to be great.

Now there's just
too much money in it.

- Yeah, it's just
a business now.
- Yeah.

Too bad.

[Men grunting]

** [humming "charge" fanfare]

Push him on the gravity plate!

** [humming "charge" fanfare]

Push him on the gravity plate!

- [Women shouting] Kill him!
- Early cheeseheads.

[Shouting continues]

I'm shirtless,
and it's driving them mad.

Ice the pig.

- There, there.
- [Chuckles]

- I don't wanna kill you.
- So can you do it?

- I never did.
- Except that time you ate
the last synthesized breadfruit.

That really cheesed me off.

The totals on the board
are correct-rect-rect.

Thank you for attending
plate and skirt day

here at combat rod park,
park, park.

You're gonna put
your shirt back on. Yay!

Hey, girls, you wanna make
a me sandwich?

Huh?

Wow.
[Mutters]

Add that to the Kama Sutra.

Neither one of them
are touching the ground.
Holy cow.

Well, let me show you
the China pattern
I registered for.

And you're gonna love
the kitchen border I picked out.

Why didn't you kill him?

I didn't want to.
I don't believe in it.

In this case, killing him
would've accomplished nothing.

But herron wouldn't have
shown you mercy.

He'd have killed you
because he wants me.

But I don't love him.
I love you.

If you'd felt anything
for either one of US,

you could've stopped this duel.

- What?
- You know what I think?

I think you were waiting to see
which one of US won,

and then take the one
that was left over.

No, liara, I don't love you.

I don't even know
if I like you.

You get me going
and all, but--

let me tell you this.

You can't make someone love you.

It's got to come naturally.

You can't force it,
you can't command it.

That's what the judge told me.

If you do that,
you'll never find it.

Chicken droppings for the soul.

This whole thing
is like a nightmare to me.

I miss my people.
I've got to make some attempt
to get back.

And if you feel anything for me,
you'll try to help me.

I feel indifference
tinged with disgust.

Well, perhaps you're right.

You are correct, strange-faced
lilliputian astro boy.

[Chuckles]

Maybe I can help you.

Trust me completely.

[Mock sinister laughter]

[Laughter continues]

Okay, now.

Well, that went really well.

I think.

Smell this. Does it smell
kind of fishy to you?

Hey, did you use this
to shave your legs?

[Chuckles]

As you said,
I don't wanna kill you.

Just thought I'd wake you up
and tell you that. 'Night.

You know,
I think I could understand
your somewhat quaint language

if I were on your earth
a little.

- Why don't you kill me?
- I'm a loser, baby.

You didn't kill me,
and you had the chance.

What about the knife?

This isn't exactly
what I'd call a friendly visit.

Ow, ow, ow.

Is this a scene
between two cement blocks?

Oh, no. They're human,
aren't they?

If you help me,

I have a plan where I might
help you to leave our planet.

Perhaps it will work.

I don't see
how this is possible.
What about my size?

You can be
a bowling trophy model.

I inspected your giant suit,

and the oxygen tank holds air
from your own world.

- Isn't that right?
- Yes, of course. But--

no. Never mind that.
That's not important.

Don't trouble your odd-shaped
little head about it.

You see, the whole plan
is based on a theory

that your people
are searching for you.

Now, I must get you back
before they attempt
to find you here.

I know they've been searching
and will eventually
zero in on this planet.

Just keep telling
yourself that, you dope.

I think I can
get you back in time.

- Yes, but, uh--
- look, do you wanna
hop in with me here?

You're doing this
because of liara, aren't you?

Yes, I am.
I'm in love with her.

I show it by stalking her daily.

I don't think
she loves me yet,

but perhaps with you gone,

she will see things in a more
realistic light in time.

Well, how can we get my suit
into the open?

I have some men I can trust.

- And sessom?
- No.

This movie is a filibuster!

He must never know,

otherwise we both
will be put to death.

Two nights a week,
I'm alone

and in complete charge
of the master control center.

- Can one man handle it?
- Yeah.

- Then why don't you do it?
- And on one of those nights

in the near future
while sessom is sleeping,

I will maneuver rheton
within a distance
of your earth's moon.

Do you think
they'll be able to see US?

Precisely.

They will investigate
and find you.

[High-pitched, sustained tone
alarm sounding]

Oh, no!
My pet cicada's in trouble!

Oh, man!
Kenny g's at it again!

[Alarm continues]

Go with her.

Go with who? What?
What do you--

oh, with her. Okay.

[Alarm continues]

- What is this?
- Our network is down.

What's happening?

The siren means
we're being attacked.

- Attacked by whom?
- I'm not saying.

You're mean to me.

Attacked by whom?

- The solarites.
- Duh!

We've been here too long.
They've discovered our position.

- Who are the solarites?
- I've no time to explain.

- I must help sessom.
- Go back to bed, Chapman.

I'll wake you
if anything happens.

- What will this do
to our plans?
- Should I call the sitter?

We must fight this off,
or no one will have any plans.

Is everyone underground?

- Yes.
- Then we go.

[Imitating sessom]
And don't talk about
your secret plans

in front of me.

Release the hush puppy.

[Gasps]
Hemorrhoids!

Get the tucks!

He's kool moe grandpa.

Oh, that helped.

- We're safe for the moment.
- Heil Hitler.

I fear they won't give up
so easily.

Safe for the moment?

Well, who are
these solarites anyhow?

- They are from a sun satellite.
- Oh.

And for generations,
they've been after

our universal
gravity control,

'cause they want to avoid
being pulled into the sun.

If we don't stop them,

they'll eventually
attack your earth.

Then let's see you laugh.

Liara, show him the prisoner.

- [Chapman] Prisoner?
- Come.

We've got all the episodes
on tape.

It's a great show.

They're just taking him
off to daycare

while they straighten out
their little war.

The Beatles are playing
here tonight.

- [Imitating dog whining]
- Aw, puppy. Aw.

[Imitating dog panting]

So that's a solarite.

- Yes. He was captured
during the last war.
- [Imitating dog whining]

The only one of their monsters
that didn't die in the attack.

- When did this attack
take place?
- Several years ago,

when zetha was a little girl.

- That's when
she lost her voice.
- [Growls]

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

What makes
those rocks disintegrate?

- [Crashing sound]
- [Scoffs] Weenie.

[Chapman]
It's as if they were hitting
some invisible wall.

That's exactly what it is.

- The monster is so strong
- [whoops]

That it would smash
any ordinary structure.

And what you call
an invisible wall

is really another way that we
use our gravitational control.

Now, by using
a high magnetic field,

we can lock molecules
so closely together

that they form a solid wall.

Whatever. It's fine.
[Whoops]

- A big hit at m.I.T.
- Where?

One of earth's more advanced
centers of learning.

A lot of pocketed,
short-sleeved shirts.

I only hope your wall
will hold him in check.

[Liara]
Yes. He could kill US all
if he escaped.

- [Imitating dog whining]
- Life on other planets...

[Scoffs]
What a crock!

And we were always wondering
if ours

was the only one so blessed.

There are many inhabited worlds,

but only these fire people
bother US.

We just need a place to scoot.

He's just a shar-pei
with a parted afro,

wearing a pizza slicer.

[Man on radio]
We have been sighted
by the enemy.

We are forming
a concentrated attack.

Pattern 6, vernier index 1-2.

Pattern 6?

We never attacked
on that one before.

They're hurling
flaming milk-bones at them.

What are we going to do?

We must try to break up
the attack.

[Scoffs]
Thanks, patton.

I doubt the audience would enjoy
looking at a lump.

[Chuckling]

The worst they'll ever do
is hump their legs.

Oh, my engine light is on.
I wonder why.

[Solarite roaring]

They attack
in flaming pet taxis.

[Imitating sessom]
Oh, I just floated
an air biscuit.

I'm out of here.

- [Chants in Latin]
- [Equipment whirring]

[Imitating dogs barking]

Well, maybe if they didn't
disguise the planet

as a chicken mcnugget,
the dogs wouldn't attack it.

[Imitating goofy]
Don't be afraid.
We all have our shots.

[Guffaws]

Where's a fire extinguisher
on this thing?

It's fantastic.

We can do one of two things.

- Scream or run.
- Outrun them or fight them.

Breaking up a formation
is one thing,

but how can you fight them?

- Do you have a chance?
- We have to settle that

once and for all.

Living in constant danger
isn't worthy of US.

Don't forget-- we still have
the gravity control.

The greatest danger to US
is the high-intensity heat bomb.

- He's right.
- Yeah.

They have enough
concentrated heat

to blow up
our planet instantly.

- What would you do?
- You make the call.

- I would fight.
- And you?

- Um, pass.
- Fight.

Right. That's exactly
my decision.

Okay. Not quite but almost.

- Let's try it again, shall we?
- Yeah. Okay.

- Okay, okay.
- [Clearing throat]

Okay, okay.

- **
- * twink

um... oh, yeah.

- * El
- **

- * twink
- **

uh, yeah, yeah. Uh...

- * El
- **

- * lit
- **

uh... mm...

- * El
- **

- * star
- ** [high-pitched tone]

- Whoa! [Mutters]
- [Laughs]

But, still,
we got seven notes in.

- That's a new record.
- That's pretty good.

- Hey, guys, what's up?
- Hey, Mike,

Tom and I saw those little
glass arrangement doohickys

they use to control gravity
in the movie.

- Yeah.
- And we remembered we shared
a true passion

for water glass rim music.

- Okay.
- And we've gotten pretty
darn great at it too.

Hey, Mike,
you wanna give it a try?
It sure is challenging.

No, no, no.
I'd just embarrass myself.

- Oh, go on.
- Come on.

I mean, we've practiced and all.
That's why we're good.

But we won't judge you
too harshly.

- Yeah.
- I-- oh, okay.

- If you put it that way,
I'll give it a shot.
- Okay.

** [classical piece]

Huh.

Huh.

** [continues]

- Huh.
- Huh.

Uh-huh.

[Inhales, exhales deeply]

- Yeah. Well...
- Uh, uh-huh...

Ah, you know, that's, uh--
that's about all I know.

- Yeah.
- You're right, though.
It's really fun.

And later on, would you guys
give me some more pointers?

- I'd appreciate it.
- Yeah, yeah.
A lot later, Mike.

Right now, we have to, uh,
feed the cat.

Well, get a cat and feed it.

Okay, well,
I'll see you later.

** [humming classical piece]

- [Scoffing]
- Huh.

Well, let him try tackling
"twinkle, twinkle,
little star" sometime, huh?

- Yeah, that's right!
- Try that, huh?

- One more time.
- Yes. Yes. Let's do it.

- Okay.
- Um...

- **
- * twink

- * El
- ** [high-pitched tone]

- [Exclaims]
- Oh, darn! Geez!

- Prepare for battle.
- [Sighs]

- Sharp acceleration
for attack position.
- [Mike muttering]

[Groans]

Shake 'n bake,
and I death.

Wow, a tight turning radius
on that chicken thing there.

So they're just using
old six-shooters, huh?

Shootin' irons.

[Imitating gunshots]

It's no good.
Their defense is too crispy.

Dang.

Pathetic, huh?

Oh, don't tell me.
I'm out of rocks. Damn.

I'll gently pat these rocks
as a sign of protest.

On my bark. Woof!

We've got to Mark this planet.

[Imitating dog whining]

- Huh?
- [Equipment whirring]

Activate the gravity curtain.

Or the venetian gravity blinds.

Get off my foot.

** [humming]

Remember these people?
They're in our film.

I'm working my magic.

Oh, it was
a magnificent victory!

But I'm deeply plagued
with regret

- [laughter]
- ...When I'm forced to destroy.

- Yeah.
- If it wasn't them,
it would've been you.

Perhaps you are right.

- You are wise, Chapman.
- [Chuckles]

- One day, you and herron
will lead our people.
- Yes.

- I'm grateful, but--
- I will teach him
all he needs to know.

Oh.

[Imitating goofy]
Oh, hey, it worked.

Mama solarite
didn't raise no dummies.

[Guffaws]

Go on. Go on.

He's an elderly solarite.

- He has trouble with stairs.
- Yeah.

Where's zetha?

- She went to sleep early.
- [Laughter]

Sleep. I'm very tired.

Perhaps the battle was too much
of a strain on me.
Good night.

- Good night, father.
- Sleep well, sessom.

There's a sustacal
with my name on it.

[Imitating sessom]
I'm gonna go drive around
and leave the blinker on.

[Chuckles]

I'll just hide out here

at Fred and Wilma's house.

[Scoffs]
Ma'am, could you quit writhing

on the coffee table?

Huh. Their bed technology
is light years behind

their space-going chicken
technology.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
I don't mean to bother you.

Do you have any Liv-a snaps
or perhaps a beggin' strip?

Think he's been backpacking
through Europe?

[Mutters]

Uh, ma'am, I realize
you don't know me,

but I really need
to go walkies.

Oh, honey,
you look flush.

Let me feel your nose.

Oh. Hmm.

Oh, I bet you shed.
I shed.

Do you shed?

Last call, everybody.
Last call.

Come on.

Okay, okay. Her hair
controls the light switch.

I touch her hair,
the lights go out. Got it.

I know. I'll try
submissive urination.

He's basically a cauliflower
with a handle and eyes.

Ew, it smells
like wet fur in here.

She forgets she's mute
and thinks she's blind.

** [humming along
with soundtrack]

You have a kind face.

** [Mike humming]

** [Tom servo
imitating drumbeats]

Yo. Word.

Here's the ginger
you ordered, ma'am.

Uh, I can't get away
from the lumbering slow thing.

Whoa, she's screaming
her fingers off right now.

I'm gonna terrify her
with the hand thing.

I had suction cups
put on my fingers.

Seemed like a good idea
at the time.

So, apparently women are devoid
of the fight-or-flight reflex.

Yeah, they only have
the fainting reflex.

- [Scoffs]
- Women! [Scoffs]

No more frisbee catching.

I'm on a whole
nother level now.

The monster dresses
like Carol Channing.

Uh, wait, wait.
Did I leave any clothes?

Doh! I piddled in the corner.

Commander spot
will be very pleased.

Where the hell is the elevator?

So I got her now,
and I haven't the slightest idea
what to do with her.

[Guffaws]

Tsk. Hang on.
I'm gonna get a two-Wheeler.

Nurse! Nurse!

Okay, okay, okay.
Everything's cool.

I'm not gonna beat myself up
over this.

- [Imitating dino from
the flintstones barking]
- Dino, no!

- What was that?
- It's over there.

Yeah, I guess their raucous
postwar celebration

will have to wait.

You wash my face off
with snow.

There. Found my Mark. Good.

- [Sessom] Help.
- Sessom!

- Oh, father!
- He licked me all over!

Oh, father!

- What happened to him?
- I think it was the solarite.

- Are you all right?
- I...

- What happened?
- I don't know.

Was it the solarite?
Did you see him?

- It was terrible.
- [Chuckles]

I pushed down an old guy
for you, darling.

We'll build a split-level
with a doggie door.

I'll fetch the paper for you
every day.

Okay, I'm gonna go bark
for no reason,

lick myself
and eat grass till I vomit,

then I'll be back.
[Guffaws]

[Whirring]

Okay, what'd I do?

[Whirring]

Whoa. I'm way out
of my league now.

[Herron]
I'm going to the control room.

[Chapman]
No, you stay with liara.

- Chapman!
- Yes?

How far do you think you'd be
if I hadn't called you back?

Go through that corridor.
It's shorter.

- Right.
- But be careful.

And button your blouse.

- I'll be all right.
- Oh, herron.

[Sniffing]

Ooh, they have dogs. Ew.

Zetha, are you all right?

Um, excuse me. I--
[Clears throat]

I have the element of,
uh, surprise over you.

[Zetha screams]

It's a good guard dog,
you have to admit.

Okay, hang on.

On my way.
Be right there.

Hang on.
Just a minute.

Nice puppy.
[Nervous chuckle]
Good dog.

Just let me turn around
and present my butt to you.

I think you'll find
everything in order.
[Nervous chuckle]

- Hey! Watch the plates!
- [Screams]

Anybody could just dematerialize
themselves by accident.

Maybe they should
cordon it off or something.

Yeah.

They should scratch his belly
till his leg shakes
to subdue him.

You're it!

Come on!
I tagged you!

[Solarite growling]

Sorry.

Hang on. I'm not quite--
okay, there we go.

[Screeching]

Good night, everybody.
Minneapolis rocks.

Big hand for the solarite band.
Come on.

* Shannon is gone, I see

huh. Next time
we're getting a cat.

Not a "dangerous" sign?
Rope it off? Anything?

Nope.

All dogs go to hell.

We're friends now. Why?

How's sessom?

He will be all right.
Liara's with him.

I'm glad.

You still wish to return
to your world?

- Yes, but--
- well, then, tonight's
the best time.

The chaos of battle
has brought US closer to
your moon than we've ever been.

- Really?
- It'll be a simple task
to maneuver rheton slowly

- ...and steadily even closer,
and the risk will not be great--
- it will?

- ...because the travel time
will be short.
- This is fascinating!

It will be well within
the range of the moon's radar?

- Yes, but we cannot
go unnoticed.
- Come on.

- Now, as soon as we're within
range of your moon--
- okay.

- ...my men will carry
your suit out into the open.
- I gotta go fold some socks.

- If your people come
to investigate--
- this is riveting!

...we'll pull them
into our gravity
and direct their landing.

- Meanwhile,
you will enter your suit--
- wow. No!

...seal it up
so that you're not exposed
to our atmosphere, and...

- Well, the rest you know.
- This is fascinating!

- Where shall I meet you?
- In the control chamber.

- Someone will come for you.
- Wow.

I hogged out on a baby carrot.

I need to walk it off.

- Hi.
- Uh, get any better?

- Zetha.
- No.

It's you.

Yes, frank Chapman.

- But you can talk.
- Son of a...

- Great.
- From my fright, when I thought
you were going to be killed,

something happened.

And after I screamed,
I found I was able to speak.

- Zetha...
- Hey, I'm talking here!

- I have many things to say
to you, frank Chapman.
- Like "pickle."

It's so wonderful--
you being able to talk.

And I have so many things
to say to you.

Like "I think
we should break up."

Oh, everything
has been terrible.

Especially that lunch.
Ew. It was awful.

You're so lovely.

You have such
an adorable little face.

I think I'll jam
my tongue into it.

Boy, she is earning combat pay.

- Yep.
- Whoo.

And she's horrified
back into muteness.

- Isn't it strange?
- You haven't called
the police yet.

Here in this place,
I have found perhaps

what I've been looking for
all my life.

- Pancakes.
- And I must leave.

Although everything within me
wants to stay.

Especially my spleen.

It's my solemn duty to leave.

You understand that, don't you?

I'm sorry. Now I'm deaf.

Frank Chapman,
I've been in love with you

- ...since the first time
I saw you--
- ew.

...and I've never been able
to speak a word of it
until now.

Is he a turnip
that grew a face?

But as I know,
my love for you is so strong.

I can overcome my revulsion.

So I also know
that you will leave.

I must leave.

Hang on.
I wanna get my gum back.

Mm. Well, I see
you've been flossing.

That's good.

The word "love"
means detest, right?

Wow, the first thing
I ever say in my life,

and I blow it big-time.

Look, it's over.
Leave me alone.

It's over!

[Equipment whirring]

- Good. You're on time.
- For once.

- [Herron] Here we go.
- Let me hear you say "yeah."

- [Whirring intensifies]
- Another hour,

and we shall be close enough
for you to be found.

I'm just gonna drop you off
at the bus station.
I hope that's okay.

[Whirring continues]

Don't. Don't.
You're smothering me.

Delivery for Robert downey, Jr.

[Woman on radio]
Lunar base 1
to rocket ship 380. Over.

This is rocket ship 380
to lunar base 1. Over.

Radar has just picked up
a giant asteroid.
Identity unknown.

Cannot find any record of it
in the space charts.

The phantom planet.

Give US exact position
of asteroid.

Nine degrees
in northern cluster field.

And I have an order
from colonel lansfield.

You are to land
on this asteroid

and send white to investigate.

Immediately, young man.

I--

I hope you will find happiness
back with your people.

You would be my happiness...
If you were there.

You wanna live in my habitrail?

Frank Chapman, please...

You must take this stone.

And rub it in your armpits.

It will be a good luck charm.

Hold on to it.

It will help you to go back
safely to your people.

Keep it.

Oh, she's gonna
"just friend" him.

And remember my-- my love.

Yes, zetha.
I'll keep it forever.

In my junk drawer
in the basement.

I just confirmed it.

A rocket, similar to yours,
is heading in our direction.

- I hope they won't crash.
- Don't worry.

- It will.
- I have the best men
on gravitation control.

And I have another man
who's coming to help me

turn on the oxygen tanks
as soon as you're in your suit.

- [Tom servo mutters]
- Thank you, herron.

You know,
we've become friends here.

- Good friends.
- Which is why I bring up
my missing wallet.

We were
to become friends anywhere--

your planet or my earth.

[Groans]

I wish you and liara
much happiness.

This is longer than
a Minnesota good-bye.

Um, don't call,
'cause I don't have a phone,

and don't write
'cause we don't have mail here.

And I don't have e-mail.

Look, I'm just really hard
to get ahold of.

Whew! I thought I was gonna see
that giant pink tongue

coming at me again.

Uh, a lot of animals
got in here,
used it for their toilet.

We tried to clean
most of it out.

Okay, in you go. Whoa.

Check this out.
He's nude!

Oh, man.

Just one more peek. Wow.

Whew. He almost stayed.

Oh-- oh, wait, wait, wait.

My thumb is bent back in here.
Ow! Ooh!

My leg is all twisted.
Ow! Ooh!

Yeah, the movie's circling
the drain at this point.

- Yep.
- I find you guilty as charged.

- [Women shouting] Kill him!
- [Tom servo mutters]

You'll never see
your world again.

Come on! We didn't like
these scenes the first time!

Yeah.

What if his flashbacks
lap themselves?

[Imitating goofy]
Can I go out, please?

Frank Chapman,
I've been in love with you
since the first time I saw you.

No fair! You can't flashback
to stuff we saw 10 seconds ago!

Yeah.

Chapman. Chapman!

- You got any gum?
- White to beecher.

Come in, white.

I found Chapman.
He's alive.

But there's no trace
of makonnen.

Where's makonnen?

He's dead. He's gone.

He kept yapping about beauty,
so I shot him out the air lock.

Oh, I am so jammed up
in my cup right now.

Oh!

Where are we?

Where are they?

Where are the others?

And where's Waldo?
What about that whole issue?

Where's who?

Zetha.

What are you talking about?

Sessom, herron...

Man, you are nuttier
than an outhouse rat.

Come on.
Let's get back to the ship.

Hey, you wanna hear
something funny?

I found
a little dark-haired woman
on the bottom of my shoe.

[Chuckles]

White to beecher.

I'm bringing him in.

He seems to be all right.

He says makonnen is dead.

He keeps talking
about other people.

I think he's in
a state of shock.

Do you need assistance?

No, captain.
I can handle him alone.

Well, okay.

You know, frank,
you're a lucky guy.

You're going to
a nice federal prison.

This is a wandering planet.
Could've carried you anywhere.

East Lansing, crab nebula,
oxnard.

I'm sure glad we found you.

'Cause we ran out
of ugly guys.

Zetha...

Where is she?

What you need is rest.

And a stern lecture
about letting your partner die.

So, were you small
when you were gone?

'Cause you're acting
like you were really small.

I just wanna remind you
this is a northwest flight,

so we'll be sitting
on the tarmac for an hour

with no beverages
and air conditioning,
and we're out of meals,

and the flight attendants
are overworked and abusive,

and if you complain,
we'll throw you off the flight.

[Equipment beeping]

Prepare for immediate takeoff.

I am preparing
for immediate takeoff.

You see me preparing?
Taking off air tanks
is preparing.

How do you feel, Chapman?

I don't know.

I think I'm carsick.

I don't understand.

Why can't I have my sippy cup?

It's unbelievable.

[Beecher]
We'll get you back to moon base
for a thorough examination.

- And spanking.
- [Beecher]
Do you think you're hurt?

I don't think so.

[Beecher]
You must have been knocked out
for quite a while.

We hit you as hard
as we could.

I must have been dreaming.

Quite possible
you were delirious.

The shock of the crash-landing
of your ship.

Ray's gone.

Why don't we play the quiet game
when we take off, okay?

But I just left
zetha and herron.

They gave me rocks and stuff.

Well, I got a Grisham novel.
I gotta get started on that.

I should have gotten her
a stick.

She had such
an adorable little face.

Yeah, well,
so does Paul Williams,
but you don't French-kiss him!

All rockets ready for firing.
Stand by for countdown.

You guys wanna see my rock?

The gravity of this planetoid
is very strong.

We'll need every bit of thrust
for our takeoff.

- Don't worry.
- I've got extra thrust.

I know we're gonna make it.

[Beecher]
Start your countdown.

- [White] Ten, nine--
- right.

- ...eight--
- yeah.

- ...seven, six--
- let's get on with it.

- Mm-hmm.
- ...Five, four--

- pi!
- ...Three, two,

one, zero.

[Rocket engine blasts]

And they die.

Houston, we have a moron.
Over.

Cut off power.

Is that a good idea, Roy?

Power off.

The rear screen.

Rear screen.

Farewell, chunked and formed
light and dark meat.

A big chunk of sewa--
oh, no, that's his face.

I know now
they'll never believe me.

I'll have to kill them all.

Even with this,
they'll never believe me.

An old piece of gum?

So long,
no less than 95% meat
and meat byproducts.

They did chicken right.

Yes.

[Narrator]
What, then,
will the future reveal--

- ugly guys!
- ...If this story

is only the beginning--

is only the beginning--
only the beginning...

Oh, don't take my
microphone away. I'm fine.

Oh, no!

That means we're gonna
have to watch it all over again!

No!

Yeah, that's great.
Hey, thanks, Mike.

Man, I wish I could
do this myself.

- [Blows]
- Well, hi, guys.

- Hi, crow.
- Hey, crow.

Hey, um, have you guys
ever noticed

how I'll see a movie, snap,
lose control of myself

and decide I'm one of
the characters in the movie,

and then go out
and dress myself up that way?

I don't know if you do that
any more than the rest of US.

Yeah, I actually do, Mike.

I guess I'm pretty good
at hiding it.
But look at me!

Apparently I've decided
I'm a solarite.

- Huh.
- Hmm. Yeah.

And you know what's weird?

I don't even remember
doing this.

And it's a very good costume!

- Mm. Pretty good.
- Yeah, it is.

With the eyes
and the nose and all.

Yeah, apparently done
in a sick, psychotic,

amnesic blackout or something.

And for what?
Am I scary at all?

- Look. Look.
- Well, no.

You look like a clown.
Or like a fool, right?

- Or like a jerk.
- Like a jerk. That's my point.

Apparently I hate myself,
I crave ridicule.

Hit me with scorn
and derisive laughter.

That makes me all tingly.

Oh, hi. I'm crow.
Abuse me, please. Thank you.

- Agh! Boy!
- Huh.

[Sighs]
What the...

[Sighs]
Hey, you know what?

I hope it's okay
that I talk about this
with you guys.

Oh, no, no.
It's very pleasant.
This is fun.

Well, thanks.
Thanks a lot, you guys.

I actually feel a little better.

I'm-- I'm gonna
go do some journaling.

- Yeah. Okay.
- You do that. Good luck!

What a dipstick.

Uh, let's see what Pearl's
up to, shall we?

- Okay.
- [Grunting]

[Glass shattering]

Geez, you think
crow's an idiot?

Check out Pearl
"world conqueror" forrester's

doomsday stupid device.

What a pile of...

What is it with me?
Am I a complete loser?

I don't know, Mike.

Maybe this whole
"taking over the world" thing

is dumb.

Why don't you do it,
or something?

Uh, Pearl,

there's a mob
of agitated villagers
gathered down below,

wielding pitchforks
and torches.

Should I ask them up?

Terrified villagers?

A pack of panicked peasants

storming the castle...

Is it possible they fear

and despise me
and wish me dead?

- [Sinister laughter]
- Hooray!

I am evil.

I am starting
to take over the world.

Bobo, brain guy,
prepare the boiling oil.

- Yes, madam.
- [Eerie whirring]

[Laughing]

- Yeah, you stupid kulaks.
- Nah-nah!

You think you can bring me down?

No way, José.

- You are messing
with the wrong evil despot.
- That's right.

[Woman]
We've brought you a casserole.

[Man]
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Huzzah!

[Woman]
Let US in!

A casserole?
I'll be right back.

Oh, we eat tonight!
[Laughing]

Pearl, if it's
any comfort at all,

- [squeals]
- ...Please know
that I hate you

and fear you and despise you
and wish you dead.

Oh, thanks.

But I haven't got it.

Let's face facts.

Anyway, thank you
for the casserole.

[Villagers screaming]

Brain guy, did you see
what I just did?

Girlfriend,
those were your instincts.

You are evil.

I will rule the world.

I will!

- Let's do another one.
- Oh, why not?

[Laughing]

[Bobo]
Hey! Hey, brain guy, down here!

Oh, wait.
Isn't bobo down there?

- Oh.
- I suppose we'd,

you know, better not do...

- [Bobo screaming]
- Oops.

- How did that happen?
- [Muttering]

[Bobo yelling]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

You know, captain,
every year of my life,

I grow more and more convinced

that the wisest and best

is to fix our attention
on the good and the beautiful,

if you'll just take the time
to look at it.

You're some guy, makonnen.