Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Million Eyes of Sumuru - full transcript

- Now we're barely penetrating the market.

Have you considered a sidekick?

One that's easily licensable?

- Well, we have Growler and M. Waverly.

They would make great merch.

- Yeah, they can be our
new spinoff characters,

the Bone-Bots, and I'd be their friend!

- Hmm.

Maybe you could come
up with a cool vehicle

and give it something of a catchy name.

Something like the Bone
Twister or the Bone Chisler.



- How about, how about Bone Clown?

- Don't challenge me
with your feeble ideas!

"Oh, I could be their
friend, the Bone Clown."

These interferences can
destroy the future, Max,

and you know this, we've been over it.

Speaking of which, Kinga,
could you make sure

to beef up our presence on MySpace?

it's gonna make a big
comeback in the future,

and we want to be part of it.

- Thank you Dr. Cabal.

- Starting to think I should
have stayed in the Time Bag.

Run the show open, Max.

- Here we go.

(upbeat music)



♪ In the not-too-distant future ♪

♪ Next Sunday afternoon ♪

♪ The evil Kinga Forrester ♪

♪ She ran her empire from the moon ♪

♪ Her latest plan was the Gizmoplex ♪

♪ A twisted scheme based on stolen specs ♪

♪ Now she's pulling the strings
from the old moon base ♪

♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪

♪ With prisoners out in space ♪

♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst motion picture wrecks ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ They'll have to sit
and watch them them all ♪

♪ And we'll stream 'em at the Gizmoplex ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Now keep in mind, they can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪

♪ what the help of their robot friends ♪

♪ Robot roll call ♪

♪ Cambot ♪
- And action.

♪ GPC ♪
- Which one?

♪ Tom Servo ♪
- That's me!

♪ Croooow ♪

♪ If you're wondering
how we eat and breathe ♪

♪ and other science facts ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Then repeat yourself, It's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax ♪

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪

- It's absolutely stupendous.

- It can't be!

- An astounding feat of human engineering.

- The mind reels!

- Guys, it's not that big of a deal. It's-

Oh, hey everyone.

Welcome to the Satellite of Love,

where the bots just
discovered that I'm tall.

- Not merely tall, gargantuan!

- Why, almost grotesquely so!

- Okay, let's not be
hurtful about it, okay Tom?

I mean, how did you guys
not notice this before?

- Hey buddy, we got a lot
of other stuff going on.

- We do have some questions, though.

- I bet you do, and just to
save some time, here we go.

I only play basketball
at Dave and Buster's.

- Oh, okay.

- Yes, and I do hit my head a lot. Yes.

- How does gravity-

- Gravity affects me differently.

- Okay.
- Right.

- And I'm not friends with
Manute Bol because he's dead,

and yes, the weather up here is fine, Tom.

Thanks for asking, and no,
neither of you can climb me.

- That's where you're wrong, stilt man!

- Hey, ow!
- I wish to plant my flag

atop the summit of Mount Jonah!

- Set up base camp on his arms!

- Ow, ow, ow, ow. Back off, okay?

Hey, I'm sorry.

Well look, Everest and K2 are calling.

- Invention exchange time, Jonah,

and we've got an invention
that's perfect for the workplace.

Coffee. People love it, and it
doesn't even taste that good.

- Which makes sense,
considering you're forcing water

through ground-up beans.

Who thought that was a good idea?

- It's not.

So if you're going to wake yourself up

with something unpleasant, why not make it

really unpleasant with the Mug of Doom?

- Oooh.

- The Mug of Doom's galvanic sensors

tap into your brainwaves to summon images

of your greatest fears and display them

in 3D at the bottom of your mug.

Because nothing jolts you awake

like the adrenaline of terror.

Max?
- Well.

(ominous rumbling)

Oh, that's-

My God!

Formless, shapeless, unknowable,

ancient threats from beyond,

older than memory,
greater than perception!

Red eyes now peering,
black talons reaching,

ancient masses waiting in death

'neath ominous seas, endless, meaningless!

Now I'm awake and ready to start my day.

- The Mug of Doom.

Don't talk to me until I've
confronted my mortality.

- The worst part of waking up

is visions of a cold
inhuman cosmos in your cup.

- You're up, bozos.

- What a coincidence. Our
invention is also work-related.

- You loved fruit-flavored
candies as a kid,

but now you're a grownup,
barf, with a tie, ugh,

and a job, another barf, bah.

- You have too many responsibilities

to waste time tasting the rainbow.

- That's why you need Business Skittles.

- Business Skittles have
all the fun and colorful

fruit flavors while still
maintaining a sense of decorum.

- Liven up your workspace slightly

with all five pragmatic flavors.

- On your way to a conference?
Try networking nectarine.

- Ooh, does it taste like nectarine?

- Kinda!

- Got a big presentation?
Try Excel orange.

- Oh yeah. This one's made
with real PowerPoint juice.

- Prepping for a meeting with the boss?

Try sycophant strawberry.

- My favorite flavor is
golden parachute pineapple.

- Ooh, what does that one taste like?

- Do you have a key to
the executive washroom?

- No?

- Then I can't tell you.

- Business Skittles!

Because you don't wanna grow
up, but life forces you to.

- What do you think, sharks?

- Your experiment today, Jonah,

is a slice of bargain basement
swingin' sixties spy cheese

that has the nerve to treat an evil woman

trying to take over the
world like she's the bad guy.

Also Frankie Avalon's in
it, so you'd know it stinks.

Just try to keep down "The
Million Eyes of Sumuru."

Flush them the movie!`

- Oh, this one sounds familiar.

- Shhh.

Movie in the hole!

- Hey, weren't there five
flavors of Business Skittles?

- We had to lay off the fifth one.

lime redundancy, you know.

- I got a bonus. It had a family.

- Oh yeah, it has kind
of a funny aftertaste,

what with the redundancy and all.

(alarm blaring)
Oh, we got movie sign

(doors clanking)

(lively discordant music)

- [Jonah] Tha all-warmup
orchestra presents!

- [Tom] Hmm, not a great turnout this year

for the Dreidel Parade.

- [Crow] Let's use this distraction

to get baby Moses down to the Nile.

- [Tom] The first three
floats are all table makers?

That's poor parade planning. Come on.

- [Jonah] Stairs, Larry. Stairs!

- [Sumuru] This is the funeral

of the richest man in the world.

- [Crow] Oh, Scrooge McDuck.

- [Sumuru] These are his 17 sons.

- [Tom] That he knows of.

- [Sumuru] Soon, they will share his fate,

together with all the other
men who oppose my will.

- [Jonah] I'm evil Twiggy.

- [Sumuru] The eyes of this
girl are watching them,

as maybe some other woman's
eyes are watching you.

(bomb exploding)

- [Crow] It's a boy!

- [Jonah] Yay!

- [Sumuru] I have a million
eyes, for I am Sumuru.

- [[Tom] I don't see how the
two tie together, but okay.

I guess that, oh! I see.

- [Jonah] Technicolor and
Techniscope? Well, la de dah.

(jazzy music)

- [Crow] Frankie Avalon
in "Beach Blanket Murder!"

- [Tom] Second billing, third party.

- [Jonah] Like ScarJo says,
anyone can play anything.

- [Crow] Oh, Klaus Kinski. He
was Fitzcarraldo, you know.

- [Tom] Hey, Debbie.

- [Jonah] Hey, nice dress.

- [Tom] Oh thanks, it
has pockets. Okay, bye!

- [Jonah] Bye.

- [Crow] Uh, guys, you're
blocking the wheelchair ramps.

- [Tom] Security provided by General Zod.

- [Jonah] Fine, don't say hi. Geez.

- [Crow] Yowch!

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] Oh, this is where all
the Bill killers go to relax.

Don't give a Carradine.

- [Jonah] Wow Debbie, you
throw the best bridal showers.

- [Crow] Yeah.

Cigarettes and apple
juice, a classic pairing.

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] I now call to order
the Joyless Luckless Club.

(dramatic music)

- [Jonah] Huh, this page of the script

just says "drinking in despondency."

- [Crow] Whoa, whoa,
whoa, stop right there.

You're outta dolly track.

- [Tom] Helen Kim, the
doctor will see you now.

- [Jonah] Duck.

Duck.

Goose.

- [Tom] Hairball. (gagging)

(dramatic music)

(Tom imitates slurping)

(dramatic music)

- [Jonah] Oh, okay. Well,
really buried the lede there.

- [Crow] Not bad, eh?

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] Oh, Frankie Avalon let himself go.

- [Jonah] We got great
seats for whatever this is.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] This rules.

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] When you do what you love,

you never work a day in your life.

- [Jonah] You got that right.

- [Crow] Bored now.

(dramatic music)

- Mercy?

- [Tom] Ellen is a mean boss.

(bones snapping)

(Jonah imitates snoring)

- [Crow] And that's pretty much

what I would bring to the team.

- You did very well, Louise.

But now, something more important.

- [Tom] No one's
respecting the chore wheel.

- You girls were on duty when I conveyed

our lady's word to your
sisters earlier today.

- [Jonah] I used emojis.

- We received a report from Rome

that gives us some cause for alarm.

It affects every one of us.

(gong ringing)
- Fries are up!

- My lady.

- The funeral?

- [Erna] A complete success.

- [Sumuru] And the next of kin?

- There are none.

- [Tom] Nice Snapchat filter skirt.

- May they rest in piece.

- [Jonah] Es. Rest in pieces.

- [Sumuru] Carry on.

- [Crow] Okay, since it's by meeting.

- The report is sufficient

for our lady to go to Italy
personally to take charge.

It appears we are in danger.

- [GPC] Lady danger.

- A girl, one of us,
has chosen to betray us.

(Tom gasping)

She has done that one unforgivable thing.

She has fallen in love.

(Tom gasping)

- [GPC] And you'll fall in love too,

with beautiful Pismo Beach!

- [Sumuru] In the war against
mankind to achieve our aim,

a world of peace and
beauty ruled by women.

- [Crow] Go on.

- [Sumuru] We have but one weakness,

which must be rooted
out and destroyed, love.

- [Tom] Exciting and new.

- [Sumuru] Let justice be done.

My judgment is death.

- [Jonah] Ready, set, go!

- [Crow] Can I speak to your manager?

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] Look, I'm sorry I said

third wave Feminism wasn't intersectional.

Can't we just talk about this?

- [Jonah] Death by Bikini Atoll.

- [Crow] But it's been less
than 30 minutes since I ate!

- [Tom] Sheesh, Pentecostals don't even

baptize this aggressively.

- [Crow] Do you reject
Satan, and all of us works?

- [Tom] Wet a minute.

- [Jonah] Three killings
in the first 10 minutes?

This movie is Sumuru-thless.

- Yeah.
- Sumuru-thless.

- [Crow] You guys, you can see clear down

to the bottom of the lake,

it's like another world down here!

- [Tom] Question, which saint is that?

- [Jonah] Why that's St. Alfonso,

the patron saint of giant hands.

- [Crow] I gotta deliver this pizza pie!

- [Tom] Now you keep going
down so we're the same height.

- [Jonah] Oh, Frankie Avalon.

- Look, what I wanna know
is, when are we gonna

get a chance to take up the real thing?

- That's what I mean.

I think he's stalling us.

- Speaking of the real
thing. Excuse me, Nick.

- [Crow] I guess bros
come after everything.

- Oh, oh, oh, Mr, West I believe.

I hoped I'd see you.

And I'm told you are having
a holiday or vacation.

- Yes, the CIA does give us an
hour or two off now and then.

- CIA?

- Central Intelligence Agency, remember.

- [Tom] Oop, blew my cover.

- Very interesting.
Now listen to me, West.

A man I know was in a bit of difficulty.

- [Jonah] Just get his tie here.

(stammering) No, I don't
know where to touch.

I don't wanna.

- It's bad luck.
- Oh?

- Yes, it appears to be murder.

- That sounds like a run
of bad luck, doesn't it?

- [Jonah] Just gonna do his pocket there.

- The point is this, that
anything that happens

in Sinonesia at this moment
is of some concern to HMG.

- HMG?
- Her Majesty's government.

- Oh yes.

- Yes. Oil, you see.

They found or think they
found a big new strike

and this fellow I'm telling you about.

(Jonah humming "The Odd Couple" theme)

He might easily grant us

something important.
- Uh...

- You know what those-
- Huh?

- Governments are in
that part of the world.

- [Tom] Uh...
- Anyhow,

we'd like to keep him happy.

- Yes, but would I?
- Uh...

- What's good for us is
good for the west, West.

- I beg your pardon?

- Besides, American
intelligence owes us a favor.

- [Jonah] Uh-oh.

- American intelligence owes you a favor?

- Yes, and I'm afraid-
- And I've come to collect.

- Sir Anthony.

- Mr. West.

- Oh.
- Let's go east.

- [Tom] Does that say Hotel Urinal?

(upbeat music)

- [Jonah] Kids, the Holy Ghost

doesn't need that much room, okay?

- Let me get through here.

- [Crow] It's just some
band called the Quarrymen.

Pay them no mind.

- Hello.
- Sir Anthony.

- West, nice of you to be here.

This is Colonel Medika.

- Nice to meet you, Mr. West.

- Please.
- Thank you.

- What may I offer you gentlemen to drink?

- I won't have one if
you don't think be rude.

I've got an appointment.

- That's all right. Senta!

- [GPC] Claus?

- I think I will take a cognac.

- I've got a cognac,
nothing here, and a vodka.

- [GPC] Six sugars.

- The Colonel and I don't want to be seen

for obvious reasons, so we
picked a nice quiet place.

- Pardon?

- We picked a nice quiet place.

- Ah yes, good.

- Mr. West, no doubt you have read

about the murder of my secretary.

- [Crow] Yeah, gross.

- As security chief, I
must accompany my President

on his world tour, and she
had agreed to come with us.

- Well, the Italian police
are very efficient, Colonel.

Don't you think that they can handle this?

- [Tom] No.

- Yeah, but you do seem to
be getting on very well.

- [Jonah] I can't take
it, I wanna dance too!

- [Tom] All right

- I want to slip a few
things in tonight's D.B.

- Slip them into what?

- Diplomatic bag.
- That's enough for me.

- [Crow] This is G.O.

- [Tom] What?

- [Crow] Getting old.
- Oh.

- Thought he'd never leave.

Now, do please go on.

- [Tom] Drone away.

- Well, I am with President
Boong's goodwill tour

and we are leaving Rome tomorrow.

- [Tom] I will miss you.

- What I would like is to have someone

to get to the bottom of
the murder in my absence.

- [Crow] Pass.

- I have a feeling that this is part

of a plot to kill President Boong.

- [Jonah] Hey, I know Annette
Funicello! You impressed?

- Well, I'll be happy
to do whatever I can.

- [Tom] Hey Nick, she
thinks I'm Frankie Valli!

- Hi, Nick. How's the action?

- It looks great.

- [Crow] I'm objectifying.

- Oh yeah.

Well, that's because I
live a nice clean life

and think clean thoughts.

- Of course you do.

- Why don't you try to follow my example

and you too can be a winner.

See you later?

- No, I don't think so.

I'm gonna try and get
to bed early tonight.

- [Jonah] Joan Rivers is in for Carson.

- Me too.

- [Tom] I was told my character

would have lines and a name?

- Who was that?

- His name's Tommy Carter.

- And what does he do?

- [Crow] Creeps.

- Ride, shoot, do judo, ping pong, karate.

Just like everybody else.

- [Jonah] Ping pong?

- For a living?

- Oh no, no, no, no.

His father left him-

- [Jonah] Is that Tim Ryder up there?

- He doesn't need a living.

Tell me a little bit more about
the death of your secretary.

- [Jonah] Nice segue.

- What I can tell you
is surprisingly little,

but I have made out a
dossier of everything

I think will be of help to you.

- Ah, good. Shall we go?

- Okay.

- [Tom] Drink and dash!

- (mumbling) To the neighbors.

I hope that cockroach doesn't get it

- [Crow] George, I said no ad-libbing.

- [Jonah] Hello viewer.

There were five mistakes in that scene.

Can you name them all?

- [Tom] Wait, was that bar in
a cave in an office building?

- Can I give you a lift, Colonel?
I'm parked right in there.

- No thanks, Mr. West. I
think I'd rather take a walk.

- Okay. I'll see you in the morning.

- [Crow] Tell your secretary, oh!

- Goodnight and thank you.
- Yeah.

- [Jonah] Whatever.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

- [Tom] Damn, I wish I
was a better listener.

I wonder what he wanted.

- [Crow] Well, better let GrubHub know

I'm available for food delivery.

- [Jonah] Oh great. He
can fall asleep anywhere.

I envy him.

(soft music)

- [Tom] Hey buddy, you dead?

- [Crow] I'm not sending you to school

until you blow your nose!

- [Jonah] No, I don't wanna smell

your dinner napkin, you nutcase!

- [Tom] Say that's, that's soft.

(siren wailing)

- [Crow] The speed bumps
in Rome are no joke.

- [Jonah] Ah, he was chloroformed
when I got here, I swear!

(tense music)

- [Tom] Get me 20 CCs of whole milk, stat.

- [Crow] Oh, be careful. He
could have a spinal injury.

(imitates bone cracking) Oh well.

(engine revving)

- [Jonah] Okay Colonel, have a nice night!

- [Tom] More like the Bad Humor men.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] They blend in
to the night, don't they?

(engine revving)

- [Jonah] Excuse me, can I get a Bomb Pop?

Hello? Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(siren wailing)

- [Tom] Yeah, see, Annette and I

have this kind of arrangement and-

- [Crow] Four murders and a car chase!

This movie slows down for no one.

(tense music)

- [Jonah] This isn't a chase scene.

This is crappy footage from
someone's semester abroad.

(tense music)

- [All] Whoa, whoa!

- [Tom] The next morning.

- [Crow] Must be the car's nap time.

- [Jonah] That's the biggest

Kenny Rogers Roasters I've ever seen!

(tense music)

- [Tom] Sorry Pal, Quit Reading. Hmm.

- [Crow] Mr. Bean's Roman Holiday.

- [Tom] Oh.

- [Jonah] Okay, I'm a likable person.

I am worthy of respect.

I am a competent, mature, professional

who will not screw this up!

Let's go!

- [Nurse] It would be best
not to perform the operation.

I understand. Very well.

I shall deliver my report
to the Villa Padovani.

Yes. Goodbye.

- [Tom] It's Dr. Girlfriend!

- Who are you? How did you get in here?

- [Tom] I'm a locksmith.
- My name is Nick.

- [Tom] And I'm a locksmith.
- And I broke in.

I didn't want to, but nobody came

to answer the bell at the gate.

- I must get it fixed.

- [Jonah] Business is slow.

- What made it so imperative
that you should get in?

- You'd never guess, but I'm
looking for a friend of mine.

- This is a private hospital.

- Yeah, I have a feeling
that he's a new guest here.

- [Jonah] Where is he?

- I'm sorry, but I must ask you to leave.

I have an emergency.

- [Tom] And I can't hold it in.

- Perhaps if you leave me his
name or your telephone number,

I could let you know if
he's a new patient here.

You must excuse me. Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- [Crow] His name is Medika. M-E-

Are you writing this down?

- [Jonah] Now what was I just doing?

- [Tom] Jason Mendoza?

- Mr. West!

- Hey, wait a minute.

- [Crow] But we have to surgery.

- [Jonah] Feeding the
stirrups. Come on buddy.

- Look, ladies.

My Blue Cross is all paid up.

- [Tom] Sorry, but this is out of network.

- [Jonah] And then there were nun!

(chuckling) Get it?

- [Crow] My muffins!

- [Nurse] There's nothing
wrong with you, Mr. West.

- Huh?

- Don't worry, she's the real thing.

- Huh?
- Huh?

- I mean she's a real nurse
and this is a real hospital.

- [Tom] And you will have a real bill.

- A token of my esteem.

- [Jonah] Weed!

- For you.

- [West] Oh, you shouldn't have.

- Where do you want me to put it?

- [West] (chuckling)
Wherever there's room.

- [Crow] Ow!
- We're living things!

- Be grateful to Mr. Carter.

He decided to follow you, luckily.

- He's right.

I lost you, so I drove
around for about 40 minutes.

Suddenly I saw the ambulance
pulling out of the driveway,

so I decided to pay my respects.

- So you found me. Thank you.

- Pleasure.

- What about the Colonel?

- Oh, the Colonel. He's dead, I'm afraid.

He was obviously a marked man.

He hadn't got a chance.

They tailed him to the club,

waited for him in the ambulance.

- [Jonah] But his recipes.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm sorry he's dead, but-

(all laughing)

I'd like to get on with my vacation.

- My real interest, which I assure you

is fully shared by your government,

was not so much in the late
Colonel as in his employer.

- [Crow] Line?

- President Boong.
- Quite so.

- [Jonah] As in fall down, go?

- Working with him?

- No, no, no, no.

He's been thinking and looking

for a nice girl and playing house.

Why should he work for Boong?

- Well, it's only fair to assume

since the Colonel's death
that a vacancy does exist.

- [Crow] You rascal.

- Look, I'm not interested.

I am on vacation.

- A pity.

- [Tom] You're dead to me.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

It seems to me I remember
that female doctor

saying something about a villa.

- Interesting.

- [Jonah] He took a gentleman's pause.

- Mr. West, would you like
to do us just one more favor,

the last and then you'd be
free to enjoy your holiday?

- [Crow] Hard pass.

- Let me guess, you want me to go

and check out the villa, right?

- Ah-ha, he's got it in one.

- [Tom] By George, he's got it.

- Your government are
depending on you, both of you.

- [Jonah] Whaaa?

Oh, well let's get outta here.

- [Crow] Oh. Oh, all right.

(doors clanking)

- Well, old chaps, let's
go over this bally mission

one last time, what what?

- Huh?

- It's simple.

HMG and the CIA need you to get the VIP

from the USA in his BMW to the HMV

near the BBC with his DB
at an ETA of 9:00 AM GMT.

- Huh?

- Greenwich Mean Time!

- Jolly good, and I've
arranged for the VP of HMV

to arrive in a GMC supplied
by MI5 ASAP with a 4k HDTV

tuned to HGTV with a
soundtrack by the Beegees.

- Huh?
- Pay attention!

This all has to go let clockwork.

- Yes, yes, the CW. So anyway, FYI.

- Oh, I know that one!
For Your Information.

- Don't be ridiculous.

That's Federal Yellowdress Informant.

She'll meet the BMW at the
UN with the USMC BTO, CCR,

and UB40 while you ROTFL on
AOL, then BRB so we can TTYL.

- Talk To You Later?
- Correct!

- Ah! then why'd you?

Oh, you.

- Precisely, Oklahoma University.

So you see, the MC5 will
approach the NSA VIP

with their new CD on
the QT, in the MI5 BMW

at the VW and OMG, IRL, IMO,

BTW, LOL, BRB.

ABC, NBC, CBS, AMC, TNT, CMA,

GMO, ASPCA, UCLA, YMCA, ICUP, OK?

- Yeah, what do you say to that?

- OWGMS.

- Huh?

(alarm blaring)
- Oh, we got movie sign!

(doors clanking)

- [Tom] Oh, good. More
words for Nick to point at.

- [Crow] I thought we agreed

I get to be Gilligan this time.

- [Jonah] I guess it's Bring
Your Child to Work Day.

- [Tom] The clown nose alarm!
Something goofy is happening.

(goofy clown laughing)

- Coming in on station
three. Low end of the fence.

The bottom wire is registering.
Should we take a look?

- [Crow] I'm on break.

- I'll go myself, you stay here.

- [Jonah] The secret villa

could use a good pressure washing.

- [Tom] Just hand them a tract
and say "Have a nice day."

- [Crow] They never thought

they'd be seen in broad daylight.

(tense music)

- [Jonah] Okay Carter,
just light it and run.

No, don't hold it.

No. What are you doing?

You keep the dog poop in
the bag. Stop folding it!

No, bring it to me!

Come on. We've practiced this.

Come on, geez.

- [Tom] Tut tut, it looks like rain.

- [Crow] Wow, some real Liz Taylor

Richard Burton energy here.

- The physical presence of a man.

I have found it impossible to resist.

- Well, be my guest.

- [Jonah] Put our service to the test.

- [Tom] Once removed
from his natural habitat,

the Frankie Avalon becomes disoriented,

only having the instincts to survive

in environments like
beaches and sock hops.

- [Crow] I have infiltrated the dollhouse.

I repeat, I have
infiltrated the dollhouse.

- [Jonah] Tammy, it's Thursday.

On Thursdays we wear
blue. How hard is this?

♪ I wanna tell you all a story
of the Harper Valley PTA ♪

- We are met again, my children.

- [Jonah] Just say good morning, weirdo.

- On the most happy occasion.

The initiation, with your
approval, of a new sister.

- [Crow] Oh, it's pledge week.

- Our numbers are growing,
as they will, as they must.

Helga.
Yeah?

- Come.

- [Jonah] Good girl. Helga.

Good girl. Come on.

You can do it.

(Crow whistling)
Oh, who's a good girl?

Helga is. Come here.

- You see one eminently
fit to join our ranks.

She is young.
- Meh.

- Beautiful.
- Eh.

- Healthy.
- Ish.

- And gifted,
- I guess.

- [Jonah] Why's she got a tattoo

of Kevin Bacon on her stomach?

- She has my approval.

Does she have yours?

- [Women] Yes, my lady.

- [Crow] Seconded.

- Congratulations, my child.

- [Tom] Dues are five bucks a month.

New girls bring the snacks.
Welcome to Lady Army.

- Go.

- [Jonah] And put some clothes on.

Have some self-respect.

- [Crow] Beach Blanket Boi-oi-oing!

- Soon our gathering will come to an end.

- [Tom] Bang!

- And you will all return to
your posts all over the world.

- [Jonah] Some of you go to Akron.

I'm sorry.
- Some of you

will feel alone, terribly alone,

but the others will have the benefit

of knowing there is a
sister close at hand.

- [Crow] Yay, sisters.
- You all be sustained

by the ideals that unite us.

- [Tom] Live, laugh, love.

- Those of you here today
have been responsible

for the almost complete success

of Phase One of our operations.

You have become the mistresses
and the wives, even,

of 11 of the most
influential men in the world.

- [Jonah] The Green Bay Packers.

- They control millions
and you control them.

I say almost complete success

because one man has proved the exception.

- [Crow] Yeah.

- He's not impervious
to the charms of women.

Just the reverse, in fact.

- [Tom] He's super pervious.

- This man will be taken care
of in Hong Kong on the 25th.

(alarm bell clanging)

- [Jonah] Eww, stucco.

- [Crow] Huh?
- My lady.

- Erna? Don't let him get away.

- Hey, motormouth.

- [Tom] Just loving these DIY stunts.

- [Jonah] Yeah.

Now if I were a man, where
would I ruin things? Hmm.

- [Crow] (sniffing) I smell
Old Spice and Bryllcreem.

(tense music)

- Get up.

Come on.

Move.

- [Tom] Go, move. Come on, get up.

Go, move. Go.

Come on. Go.

And go. Keep going.

You go, you. Go, come on, and stay.

- My lady.

- Who was the man?

- [Crow] You da man, my lady.

- It was the American, and another.

- Give me the gun.

- [Tom] Give me the whip.

- [Jonah] You can't kill me. I quit!

- [Crow] Get me another gun.

- My lady, I'll do anything.

- [Tom] That's what got you here.

- We will think of
something, my dear. Erna?

- [Jonah] I can't slap her
from here. You do something.

- My lady.

(gun firing)

- [Crow] They shot her with air!

- [Jonah] Whoa.

(men laughing) .

- I think it was a great idea
that we stop and have a drink,

but I think I'm ready for another one.

- You had two already.

- Three, but who's counting?

- You are.

- [Tom] And that's what I've been

meaning to talk to you about.

- I think Sir Anthony knows
more than he's telling us.

- You're so right.

Wonder why he hates us.

- [Jonah] 'Cause it's us.
- Hates us?

- Yeah, it's not very
friendly to send us out

where people can bite us
and shoot at us, is it?

- Yeah. It's downright nasty.

- Then make me one of those.

I'm gonna give him a call right now.

- [Crow] He won't answer us.
"Coronation Street" is on.

- [Tom] Dead lady!

- [Jonah] Say, Annette's
not looking so good.

- [Crow] Root beer?

- She is, of course, dead.

- [West] Unless she's a damn good actress.

- [Tom] She's dead.

(knocking on door)

- [Jonah] Housekeeping!

- [Crow] Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

- [Tom] look at 'em go.

(horn honking)
- Good evening, gentlemen.

- [Tom] Hey, I'm glad you're here.

I was just gonna ask you why you hate us.

- What on Earth are you doing here?

- What on Earth are you two doing,

hopping from one balcony to another?

- You saw that, huh?
- Oh yes.

I've had my eye on you
for quite some time.

- [Jonah] I'm sick as hell.

- Were your ears burning
a little while ago?

- My ears are always burning.

It's in the family.

- I'll bet.

- Tell me, you weren't trying to get out

of that hotel without
paying your bill, were you?

- No, as a matter of fact, Sir Anthony,

we found a girl in my bed.

- [Anthony] Awkward.

- Dead.

- [Crow] Even better!

- We don't like it one bit.

- I mean, can you think of any explanation

for her being in your bed?

- Well, we think that it's a frame-up.

- I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

- You gotta be kidding.

- I hate to say this, but
I think Rome's going to be

a little bit dicey for
you just at the moment.

- [Tom] But I'm running for Pope!

- Most of Italy and the
rest of Europe at this rate.

- Curious you should say that.

I was thinking of making you an offer.

How would you like a little
holiday in the Orient?

- Sir Anthony, what did you have in mind?

- [Jonah] Tokyo Disney.

- This might interest you.

Two diplomatic passports,
two air tickets to Hong Kong,

a complete new wardrobe.

- [Crow] A jar of Gray Poupon.

- Elegant, expensive suitcases
already on the plane.

- [Jonah] Elegant?
- Suitcases?

- No.

- No.
- Mario, drive to the airport,

would you please?

- No.
- No!

- I should go the short way, Mario.

- [Crow] End this movie!

- I'll be able to convince you en route.

- [Tom] With these scratch-offs, you see.

- [Jonah] Runway, runway,
where's the runway?!

(imitating crash sounds)

- [Crow] We have the funnest carpool ever.

- [Jonah] Look at this
amazing city, honey.

- [Crow] I am leaving you, Harold.

- What do you mean me?

It was that phony Englishman Baisbrook!

- What is this, typhoon time in Hong Kong?

- Probably. Where are
those luggage tickets?

- You got 'em.

- [Tom] Third base!

- I gave 'em to you on that plane!

- [Jonah] I was tucking
my tie in my pants!

- I'll let you know later, Nick.

- [Crow] Do they get a tax cut
if they shoot at Chernobyl?

- [Tom] And there goes Frankie. Bye.

- [Jonah] Arby's, and step on it.

- [Crow] Looks like the
Big Bad Wold has been by.

- [Tom] Abe Pagoda? I thought he passed.

- [Jonah] I was told there'd
be a thigh killing here,

anywhere around here?

- [Crow] I'm here for the
neck breaking. Am I early?

- [Tom] Man, my neck feels
so brittle and snappable.

- [Jonah] Ah, phooey. Stupid,
low-hanging ceremonial blah.

(tense music)

- [Crow] I'm here for my thigh killing.

- Welcome, Mr. West.

- [Tom] 'Sup?

- Shall we sit down?

- Oh yeah, this.

- [Jonah] Watch it, bub.

- At moments like this, I
think it's customary to say-

- Thank you.

I'm glad you find it adequate.

- [Crow] A woman interrupting a man?

- Would you mind showing me your profile?

- [Tom] All right, stand back.

- You've brought me
here for a screen test.

- Your profile, please.

- Yeah.

- They were right.

- [Jonah] It's horrible.

- It's quite amazing.

You'll do very nicely.

- Well, what will I do very nicely?

- First, I would remind you
that you are a wanted man.

That limits your ability to negotiate.

The Italian police are
convinced you killed a girl.

- [Tom] Sounds like me.

- I'll buy that.

So now tell me what you want.

- You.

- [Crow] Sweet.

- I thought your organization was-

- Exclusively female?

Quite, but we do use many, many men.

- [Jonah] Men, many, many.

- But most of them don't realize it.

- [Tom] Huntress S. Thompson.

- At the moment we need a
man for a specific task.

- And if I refuse?

- In far too many ways.

- [Crow] Huh?
- Okay lady.

It's your ballgame.

- [Jonah] Touchdown.

- I thought you'd see it my way.

- [Tom] Well, it was
that or the highway, so.

- Follow me, please.

- [Crow] Oh, a rarely seen CIA
tactic of just going with it.

- [Jonah] Oh, may I? Oh geez.

- [Tom] That was the door.

- What you are about to see is unique,

historical in fact.

- Am I allowed to know what it is?

- Let's keep it as a surprise.

- [Crow] Erlenmeyer
flasks? That is a surprise!

(liquid bubbling)

- [Jonah] All of this
is why Diet Dr. Pepper

tastes like regular Dr. Pepper.

- What seems to be the problem with him?

- He's a guinea pig.

- [Tom] Your mom lets
you have guinea pigs?

- Guinea pig?

- We need him for experiments.

We work very hard here for
the advancement of science,

our science.

- [Crow] Sexy science.

- How did you brainwash him

so he's not yelling his head off?

- [Jonah] It's called manners.

- He feels no pain.

As a matter of fact, he's rather happy.

- [West] Drugged.

- [Tom] In far too many ways.

- So he doesn't even speak.

- When we caught him and brought him here,

we cut out his tongue.

(Crow gagging)

- If I tell you you're sick,

will the same thing happen to me?

- I have other plans for you, Mr. West.

And for those plans, I need your tongue,

your voice and your brains.

- [Jonah] For real?

- Well, there are a couple
of other parts of me

of which I'm inordinately fond.

- They will remain intact
as long as you obey orders.

- Well, good.
- Ingrid?

- [Tom] Finally, Ingrid's moment.

- My lady?

- Bring me the cube amortis gun, loaded.

- [Crow] It's in the file cabinet

under C for cube amortis gun.

- He's amazing, my lady.

- [Jonah] And there's
enough of me for everyone.

- Thank you, Ingrid.

- What's that thing?

- [Tom] It's for Mommy's headaches.

- The same as the game wardens

used in Africa to stun animals.

- [Crow] And manimals.

- Except that our ammunition
is something different.

Follow me, Mr. West.

- [Jonah] Sumuru is planning

a Dance Dance Revolution down there.

- [Tom] Oh my God, what's
it counting down to?

- Sumuru, It looks like
you're taking in laundry.

No ticky no washy, huh?

- [Crow] Ah, good old casual racism.

I hope that door leads to HR.

- [Jonah] Can I hold the door for you?

Oh, oh, no. Okay, all right.

- [Tom] Avert your eyes

as I introduce you to Dave and/or Buster.

- My lady, the door.

- [Crow] We had our own
personal tilt-a-whirl installed.

- My lady.

- [Jonah] Is he dry yet?

- Another guinea pig?

- [Tom] Hell yeah.

- His name is Andrews.

- [Crow] And your bingo number is G 46.

- You'll see

- [Jonah] The Prestige!

- Listen, whoever you
are, get out of here.

Get out of here while you can!

She's mad!

- [Tom] Well, she is now.

(gun firing)
- Sloth-like reflexes.

- [Jonah] Actiiing!

- [Tom] Well, at least
he's dying with dignity.

- What's happening to him?

- [Crow] He's Animorphing!

- He's turning into a statue.

We call it cube amortis.

- [Jonah] I call it cool amortis.

- You are mad. You're out of your mind.

- [Sumuru] It could be your double.

(tense music)

- [Tom] Well, don't ask the director

to pick a favorite establishing shot,

he clearly loves all of them equally.

- [Crow] And then we go to the beach.

We surf, we sing a song.

There's no actual bingo in any of 'em.

- Mister...

- Carter.
- Mr. Carter.

- Carter.
- Carter.

- Now, what kind of information
are you looking for?

- [Jonah] Just trivia.

- I'm looking for the owner
of a black hardtop Dodge.

The license plate number is.

- [Tom] Milk, eggs, flour, butter.

- 2151.

- Oh, Sumuru.
- No, Dodge.

- Sumuru?

- Sumuru.

- Can you tell me where she lives?

- Up there.

The colony consists of 236 islands

out of Hong Kong itself.

She owns one.

- She owns-

Well, I always say if
you gotta own anything,

it might as well be an island.

- [Crow] Humor is the universal language.

- Check there. Excuse me.

I gotta get going.

- [Jonah] See you in jail.

- [Sumuru] He is your assignment.

- Boong? Well, he's
President of Sinonesia.

- Boong's turnover in
girls is tastelessly high,

and he trusts none of them.

I have literally hundreds of
pictures of him like this.

- [Crow] Wrote haikus
to accompany each one.

- [Jonah] This feels bad.

- Or this.

- [Tom] Hey, he's doing a meme.

- I'll take a dozen of each.

What is the purpose of this stag reel?

- [Crow] For fancies.

- To acquaint you with your new employer.

- Oh, good, good.

I'm sure there'll be fringe benefits.

Let's see the next picture here.

- [Jonah] Daddy likey.
- That isn't necessary.

They all have a disgusting similarity.

- Well, you're right.

They are disgusting.

- Now for your explanation.

- [Tom] Infodump incoming.

- A new member is scheduled to join

President Boong's staff to fill a vacancy

that has existed since the
death of Colonel Medika.

- Oh.
the man chosen

as Medika's successor has been picked

only after the most thorough search.

- The one you turned into a statue.

- [Crow] He's now a birdbath.

- We can't disappoint
the President, can we?

- And I'm to take his place. Is that it?

- Your passports and documentation
will be unimpeachable.

And I'm sure with your
own native resource,

you will fill the post admirably.

- What's all this leading up to, anyway?

What do you want out of Boong?

- [Jonah] A coonskin cap, maybe?

- You'll learn of that later.

(doors clanking)

- Yeah, so a lot of people don't know

that Brian Cox was Hannibal Lecter first.

- All right, fellas, quiet down.

Let's get straight to business.

You're here because you're the
best, the best of the best.

The top, the Nile, the Tower of Pisa,

the smile on the Mona Lisa.

- Thanks, boss. We're ready to
get out there and spy it up.

- Not so fast.

We're in Sumuru country.

Spying works a little
differently around here.

There's three things you gotta learn

so you don't get bikini killed.

- Bikini killed? That
actually sounds kind of-

- Step number one!
- Whoa!

- Creeping,

I'm talking hiding behind
stuff that's smaller than you,

looking through windows that ain't yours.

Just getting in there,
generally giving off

an uncomfortable vibe at work or parties.

- Wouldn't that make it hard to get intel?

- Doesn't matter!
- Ah!

- Step two, red flags.

You will find yourself
in dangerous situations.

A voice inside your head may say,

"Get outta this dangerous situation."

You ignore that!
- Ah!

- Stay in that red flag
situation, all right?

Tell that little voice to shove
off before Sumuru sees it.

- Sees a voice?

- She's got a million eyes, friends.

Probably some of them can hear too.

Maybe a few ears snuck in there as well.

No one noticed because a
million, that's a lot of eyes.

- Man, I hope there's
an illustration of that.

- Ha, I wish.

All right, step three.

When in doubt, do whatever
anyone tells you to do!

- That seems dangerous.

- Yeah, we're in a real
go along to get along

spy organization here.

Why make waves when you
can just grin like a jerk

and blindly follow the
first adult that speaks?

- Well, sir, what if an enemy agent

tells us to walk into an obvious trap?

- You do it, man! You do it!

- What if we need someone
to hit intermission sign?

- I'm your guy. (grunting)

♪ beep bop beep bop beep bop boop ♪

- Step four.

If you need help pressing
a button, you can ask.

this message goes out to a woman of honor.

Are you reading my signal, Emily Connor?

- Loud and clear Heston, and just in time.

I've made a discovery
that's quite sublime.

- And using the cloud,
I made a bold choice.

So I went and I hooked up
our friend Magic Voice.

- [Magic Voice] Movie sign for
Jonah Heston in 10 seconds.

- Great, Joel.

Now I know these vessels
like the back of my hand,

I might have a way to put us in command.

- The sooner, the better.

So what's our deadline?

- [Magic Voice] This meeting is over.

You've got movie sign.
(alarm blaring)

- Oh, I've got movie sign! Whoa!

(doors clanking)

- [Tom] meanwhile at EPCOT.

- [Jonah] Sorry it's so shabby.

We recently snapped the painter's neck.

- [Crow] What knockers!

- This is Helga. She will be
accompanying you to Hong Kong.

You will both staying
in the Hong Kong Hilton.

Erna?
- You're not going.

- Your papers, Mr. Andrews.

And you will also find
a .38 caliber revolver

in your briefcase.

- [Jonah] How do I open it?

- By the way, you're sure the President

has never met this Andrews before?

- Absolutely.

The only person who can identify the man

is Boong's ambassador in America.

- [Crow] I'm sure that won't come up.

- You will arrange a
meeting between this girl

and Boong as quickly as possible.

- [Tom] AQAP.
- But-

- As quickly as possible, I said.

- [Jonah] I said good day!

- Erna, take them to the jetty.

- [Crow] It's Jetta and
it gets great mileage.

- [Tom] Oh, nice of Sumuru to get them

whale watching tickets before the mission.

- [Jonah] Yeah
- that's really nice.

Hope there's some narwhals out there.

- [Crow] She's dressed
like a two-day-old banana.

- You are Mr. Carter?

♪ Welcome back ♪

- You're a mind reader.

Well, if you really are, tell me,

is it all right for tonight?

I mean, what I'm thinking.

- [All] Boo!

- I have some information for you.

- Ooh. That's good.

That's just what I've been looking for.

Well, maybe you can answer
this. What's going on?

- [Jonah] And why am I
dressed like an eclair?

- I have the answer to this.

Nick West.

- Nick? Do you know where Nick is?

- [Crow] Maybe.

- I said, you know where Nick is?

- I know where he is.

- You don't want me to break
your pretty little arm,

you better talk and quick.

- We can't talk here. Follow me.

(tense music)

- [Tom] Wow, they didn't prepare me

for this stuff at millionaire school.

- [Jonah] Aunt Rita has arrived

and she's ready for that
all-you-can-eat shrimp!

♪ Sitting in the back, sun roof top ♪

♪ Takin' in the scene
with the gangsta lean ♪

- You must help me.

- Help you? I don't understand.

- Sumuru is holding Nick West prisoner.

I'm frightened she'll kill me.

- Now don't get yourself upset.

- She sent me to kill you.

- [All] Do it!

- You must help me get
to the police, please.

- [Carter] Now now,
don't get yourself upset.

- [Crow] She's pickpocketing herself?

(woman screaming)

- [Jonah] Yes, I am Frankie
Avalon. Oh, a knife,

(tense music)

- [Crow] At least they sent someone

his own size to pick on him.

(tense music)

- [Tom] I'm finally gonna get
my teen idol murdering badge.

- [Jonah] You win this time, kitten heel.

- [Crow] So call you later?

- [Tom] Uh, Nick, that's
a Fisher Price phone.

- Yes, please.

I'd like double-506 double- 97.

- [Crow] That's too
many cheeseburgers, sir.

- What do you mean bingo?

- [Jonah] Script punch up by my dad.

- I'd like to speak to

President Boong's personal aide, please.

- [Tom] Tell him it's his best friend

from third grade on the line.

- I think the president is expecting me.

My name is Andrews, Sidney Andrews.

- [Crow] And yes, I'm one
of the Andrews Sisters.

- In about an hour? Good.

No, thank you.

Goodbye.

- [Jonah] Great practice.
Next time, I'll dial.

- [Tom] Oh, the Hong Kong Hilton

really enforces their salad bar policy.

- My name is Sidney Andrews.

President Boong is expecting me.

- I have been advised.
Your passport, please.

- [Crow] Okay, and here's a picture

of me with Frankie Avalon.

- [Jonah] I'm sorry, sir.
This is a Pizza Hut coupon.

(tense music)

- [Tom] I like your hair better this way.

- [Crow] Slapstick!

- There is your pass. You go down there.

- Thank you.

(tense music)

- [Jonah] So I guess I'm
looking for room 237?

- [Tom] Why are those guys
guarding the ice machine?

- [Crow] Suite 102, 103. Ah, here we are.

The one with all the security.

- [Tom] Wakanda forever.

- [Jonah] I won the door prize.

Let me through.

- [Crow] "This is a
stickup." What the hell?

- [Jonah] Sorry, wrong note.

- Follow me, please.

- [Tom] But please don't look at my butt.

- [Crow] I hate when the New
Yorkers start stacking up.

- [Jonah] I suppose you're all wondering

why I called this pillow conference.

Well.

- [Tom] "Business Juggs Monthly?"

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Okay, I don't
think you're supposed

to open the door between rooms.

- [Jonah] Just stay
still. He won't see me.

- [Tom] Whoa, I gotta
get him to sign this.

- Hi friend, have a drink.

- [Crow] I've got Rumple Minz.

- [West] Oops, there go my Sundays.

- Like some champagne?

Well, my ambassador in Washington

gave you a very highest recommendation.

- [Jonah] Abbondanza!

- How was the flight?

- Uh, okay. When do you want me to start?

- Oh, as soon as you can.

you know, I've done 99% of
this filthy goodwill tour

without a security chief.

Did you hear about Medika?

- Yes. He got his in Rome, didn't he?

- [Tom] May I spill you some?

- You know Rome?

That's where I got it many times.

- [Crow] Kinski is so
off script right now.

- Yes?

- [Jonah] Innuendo police.

- Excuse me.

Of course, get a taxi.

What's the name again?

- [Tom] Werner Herzog.

- Hang on a minute.

- [Crow] Here's a bit I
got from Victor Buono.

- See you at three.

I mean a meeting at 3:30. Thanks, goodbye.

- [Jonah] Here you go. Some champagne.

If you want more, I have
to get the shop vac.

- Well, I'm trying to devise

some sort of scheme for examining girls.

Men too, of course, before an interview.

- [Tom] I call it the resume.

- All those pills are, I mean,

they can conceal the most dangerous.

- That reminds me, I met
a girl this afternoon.

- Yes, of course you did.

- A lovely, lovely girl.

She's a great admirer of yours.

- Of mine?

Is she student of political philosophy?

- [Crow] He's got five o'clock face.

- No, no, no.

She's just a sweet young girl

with all the dreams and hopes and fears,

desires of any vital healthy creature

trembling on the brink of womanhood.

- [All] Ewww!

- Living here in the hotel.

- Very lovely, you say?

- Ravishing.

- My dear, dear friend.

- [Jonah] You're fired.

- I've planned a small reception.

- [Tom] Right now!

- [Crow] In an embarrassing
scheduling error,

the same start time was given

to all three rhythmic gymnastic finalists.

(lively music)

- [Jonah] They're having such a hard time

hanging those welcoming banners.

(lively music)

- [Tom] I could have been in Shen Yun.

(lively music)

- Mr. West?
- Yes.

- I have a message from.

- [Jonah] Don't forget your alias

is Mr. Andrews, not Mr. West.

- Okay Cinderella, here you go.

A summons to the Royal Presence.

- [Tom] You've been served.

- They don't call him
royal in here, do they?

- No, they don't, and you're
just about to find out why.

- Will you come along with me, please?

- [Crow] Wearing a wedding
dress on a first date? Red flag!

- [Jonah] Please let us
stop, it's been four days!

- [Tom] I was promised a junior suite.

- Well, what's new at the Dracula factory?

- [Crow] Bleh!

- Did you arrange a meeting
between Helga and Boong?

- It's all done. They met.

She goes back to see
him tomorrow afternoon.

He's actually looking forward to it.

- [[Jonah] I just wanna...

- You will come to the island.
My lady wishes to see you.

- Now?

- Tomorrow morning, nine o'clock.

Mercer's Wharf.
- Well, why?

- [Tom] Cornhole competition.

- You'll do as you're instructed.

- [Crow] And dress to move.

- [Jonah] Junk, junk everywhere.

- [Tom] A lot of Vikings died today.

- [Crow] Keep painting
till they look like shoes.

- [Jonah] So where do you keep your knife?

- [Tom] Frankie Avalon's hair comes

courtesy of Build-A-Bear Workshop.

- [Crow] Hong Kong. Come for the leering.

Stay for the ogling.

- [Jonah] Hey ladies,
the name is Rick Shaw.

- Nick.

- [Tom] Yeah. Remember when
these two were friends?

- Nick!

- [Crow] Will our hero lose
a foot race to children?

- Well, Ollie, another fine
mess you've gotten us into.

Where have you been?

You know I've been
looking all over for you.

- I can't explain that to you
now, where are you staying?

- Staying? You mean hiding?

How come everyone hates
you and tries to kill me?

- What are you talking about?

- [Jonah] Gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

- Nice Innocent type
girl, family type girl.

I mention your name, and she
tries to stick a knife in me.

- [Jonah] Gimme gimme gimme.

- That'll teach you to
pick up strange women.

- Ha ha, very funny.

- Listen, where are you staying?

Now don't be ashamed of being poor

and having practically no money at all.

Tell me.

- [Tom] Hell yeah, you gotta get in there.

- It's a very highly recommended place.

It's probably one of the nicest.

- [Crow] Mary Poppins away!

- Nick!

- [Jonah] Oh, now it's gettin' zany.

- [Tom] The wind resistance

from that umbrella is not helping.

- [Crow] To the Dracula
factory and step on it.

- [Jonah] Now let's go
rip off Ricky Nelson.

- [Tom] Finally, the water!
This counts as a beach.

I can feel myself growing stronger!

- Nick!

- [Jonah] I hate goodbyes.

There's a letter on the nightstand.

- Hey.

You, follow that car.

- Ah, you in wrong picture.

- Aw, cut the jokes.
- I'll say.

- Ah, no.

Too many fishing booths get lost

in the water around Sumuru's island.

- How's this sound? 50 bucks.

- [Tom] And a handful
of Jolly Ranches, huh?

- 80? 100?

- [Jonah] Warmer.

- 159.

- 120.

- 180.

- 200.

- 110.

- [Crow] Hubba wha?

- Here you are.

- [Tom] Wow, shoulda just
bought my own crap boat.

- [Jonah] You have to pay extra

for an aisle or a window seat.

- [Tom] Are they reusing footage

or am I just having deja vu?

- [Jonah] Why won't they let
the cameraman off the boat?

- [Crow] George Hamilton, ma'am.

- You sent for me.

- [Tom] The new fall
line from Pepto Bismol.

- Oh, well, here we are.

Out of cigarettes

What seems to be your
problem of the day, milady?

- [Jonah] Gingivitis.

- I've set up a world that
exists without men, Nick.

- Well, good for you.

What about those long,
lonely winter nights?

- It is a joke to you,
but even for a woman

of strong and a self-sufficient desire.

- [Crow] You are repulsive.

- There are lonely nights.

- Running around turning men to stone

is hardly conducive to romance, Sumuru.

It tends to make a man nervous.

- [Tom] Maybe it's your coffee.

(Jonah making muffled speech noises)

- Does that inspire romance, Nick?

- It's a darn sight better and faster

than your cube amortis gun.

- [Crow] Are we set on that name?

- I need a man to take me,
to force himself upon me.

- Well, I'm a very polite guy.

I never force myself on anyone.

- [Tom] Good answer.

- I'm a woman, Nick.
- Yes.

- Look at me.

Whatever else I am.

- [Jonah] Part reptile?
- I am a woman.

- Oh yes. Yes.

Well now I may very well
hate myself for this

in the morning, but.

- [Crow] You're not the only one, Nick.

- Oh, why not?

- [Tom] Ooh, statue likey.

- [Jonah] Nice day for it.

- [Crow] Wow, they're
both taking advantage

of the outdoor boat toilets.

They don't seem embarrassed in the least.

- [Tom] Oh, I get it.

They're just gonna circle them

until they start a Whirlpool

Vicious.

- [Jonah] Annette says hello.

(boat exploding)

- [Crow] Hey, it looks like
they just elected a new pope.

(all coughing)

- [Tom] We now return to "Legally Blonde,"

already in progress.

- I have an appointment
with the president.

- Oh yes. Your name, please?

- Helga Martin.

- Helga Martin.

- [Jonah] Hmm. Okay, let's see.

Dean Martin, Steve Martin,

Mary Martin, Quinn Martin,

Martin Short, Martin Lawrence, Dr. Marten.

Sorry, I don't see you here.

- Here we are. Helga Martin.

- [Crow] Wow. The tension was unbearable.

- This is the pass. Go that way, please.

- Thank you.

- [Tom] What the Helga?

Make it like the Pink Panther theme,

but change every other note.

- [Jonah] Okay, you get
chips and soda. No refills.

- Follow me.

- [Tom] See you later. boys.

Keep that carpet safe.

- [Crow] It's a David Lee Roth puppet

that wished he was a real live boy.

- [Jonah] Oh no, Klaus. Kinski.

I didn't sign up for this!

- President Boong.

- [Crow] Say hello to my novelty pen!

- Oh, I can't do it.

- Guard!

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] Sumuru's got a deep bench.

- [Jonah] Executive bathroom
guard to the rescue!

- [Crow] Step, spin, lean and drop.

- Oh, but it's a, it's a girl.

- [All] Congratulations!

- [Tom] Wakanda forever.

- He fellas, what's the matter? It's me.

- [All] We know!

- Well, what's happened?

- President Boong has been killed.

- [Tom] President Boong has been killed,

President Boong has been
killed, 'scuze me guys.

- What happened?

- She killed Boong.

- [Jonah] Boong?

- Did I hear my name?

- President Boong?

- The real one.

- [Jonah] Katt Williams?

- The man you see over there

was enough like me to fool anyone

and particularly an assassin.

Well, where will I find another?

There are times when it's
convenient to have a double.

(Crow imitates pained groaning)

- Oh yes. I know.

- Oh, it's a terrible
thing to happen. Terrible.

- [Tom] Well, inconvenient at least.

- This young lady, was she implicated

in the plot?
- Yes.

- [Jonah] I want him to close
his shirt just a button more.

- You brought her here.
- Huh?

- What have you in mind about hee?

- [Tom] Watch that cigarette.

- I'm gonna take her to
the police headquarters,

of course, right away.

- Yes, of course. Where are you going?

- [Jonah] Police headquarters.

- The police station.

- And you're leaving me alone?

- I won't be long, okay?

I'll be back as soon as I
can, but in the meantime,

ask yourself,
- Hmmm?

- How did that girl
manage to join and serve

with your own personal bodyguard, huh?

- [Crow] Yeah.
- I mean,

with all of them living
together, soldiers too.

You can't tell me that nobody
else was in on the deal.

Come on.

- [Crow] What is the deal with his makeup?

- [Jonah] What are you up to now?

You wanna catch a movie or something?

- [Tom] Cool, they let Frankie Avalon

hold the camera for this shot.

- [Crow] Third floor, dead guys.

Statuary, doubles, cube amortis guns.

- I'm getting out.

- I'd wait till the elevator
stopped, if I were you.

- [Jonah] Hey-o!

- No. I mean out of the organization.

- Well now, that's the
first sensible thing

you've said in a long time.

- [Tom] And the only thing.

- If you really mean it,

you oughta get out of this hotel too.

I know a place.

I don't know how good it is,

a buddy of mine's staying there.

The Bristol and Pagoda Pension.

His name's Tommy Carter. He's okay.

- [Crow] He will hit on you though.

- [Tom] Oh yeah. Horn dog, big one.

(doors clanking)

And I was like, this country
uses the metric system

and that's why the Fruit
by the Foot doesn't sell.

- Okay, bad news, guys.

An ion storm is about to blow through,

so you know what trouble they can be.

Gonna need to shield your CPUs

to keep you from getting
robot ion madness.

- Jonah.
- Yeah, no, I know Tom.

Nobody wants to think they'll
go on a robot rampage,

but it's not your fault, guys.

It's the ions.

We'll get through this together.

- Jonah!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah?

- Why are you wearing a wig?

- Wearing a, wearing a wig?

What? Tom, what are you talking about?

- The wig you're literally
wearing right now.

- Jonah, come on.

You're dressed in a Cher
wig. We can all see you.

- Oh man. That ion store
must be hot on our heels.

You guys are talking loopy already.

Oh, okay. Sorry, I think we're gonna

have to separate you
guys to secluded areas

before the madness gets too intense.

- Ah, it's happening? Not again!

- I know, it's gonna get nuts.

GPC has already prepared a bunker for me

with provisions in the back 40

in case you two break out
of your containment cells.

- Don't let me flip out again, Jonah!

I do things and I can't
deal with the grief!

(bots yelling)

- Hey, hey, guys, look.

I am wearing a wig. I'm not, it's joke.

There's no ion storm. I'm wearing a wig.

Oh God, settle down.

You know, I gotta have my fun too.

- Really? You gotta have fun?

I think you're a dick.

- What?
- Me too.

I'm leaving. I've had it.

- Hey, come on-
- I've had it!

- Cher wig? Fake alarm, clipboard?

Ion storm? I mean, I
thought it was pretty good.

- (chuckling) Yeah, it was pretty good.

I'm gonna get you pretty good!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- You better sleep with one
eye open tonight. Heston.

There is a storm coming
and it's Hurricane Crow!

- As far as goofs go. I thought
that would've gone better.

(alarm blaring)
Oh, now we got movie sign.

Oh, let's go!

(doors clanging)

Oh, these Double Trees are the best,

and they give us the warm
cookies and everything.

- Can I get you a drink?

- [Tom] I just had floor champagne.

- So what are you gonna do?

- What do you mean?

- I mean, you're leaving the organization,

so what are you gonna do now?

Are you going to the police?

- [Crow] Sting's helpful.

- Well, I hadn't thought about that.

- Well, sweetie, I suggest

you start thinking about it right now

because after what's just happened,

you've only got a couple of choices.

You can go back to Sumuru and tell her

that you killed the double

and the girl got in there somehow,

or you can run away from the organization

and spend the rest of your
life trying to hide from them.

Or you can go to the police and tell them,

and I mean everything.

- [Tom] Start with the Big Bang.

- It isn't easy.

- Isn't easy?

Well, at least you're a free agent.

You've got some choice.

I spend 24 hours a day on a tightrope.

- [Crow] I'm a Wallenda.
- on the one hand,

I've got to try and keep Sumuru happy.

On the other hand, I've got to

try to keep her from achieving anything.

That tightrope is gonna split
me right down the middle.

I'm gonna end up as crazy as she is.

- [Jonah] Hey, sorry.

We knocked like five times.

- [Crow] Ugh. It's a RA.

- Get up.

♪ Get on up ♪

- [All] Agh!

- You've ruined everything.

But you will both pay dearly for this.

- [Jonah] Huh?

- Erna, are his clothes packed?

- Yes, my lady.

- Oh dear, I hope you were
careful with that blue suit.

It creases so.

- [Crow] Burn the suit.

- And take care of his bill.

- Yes, I wouldn't like to have

an unpaid hotel bill on my conscience.

- Keep joking, Mr. West.
- Please don't.

- You will be finished with
jokes before the night is out.

- [All] Us too!

- I was beginning to run
out of material, anyway.

- [All] Agreed.

- Take care of the bill.

- [Tom] Use the American
Express, I want the points.

- [Jonah] That's right, ladies.

Suck it in for old Susan Muru.

- [Crow] Hey, okay if
we stop by the gift shop

and buy one of those mini
license plate that says Sumuru?

they usually don't have those.

- [Tom] Okay, sorry. I'm lost.

(tense music)

- [Jonah] Everyone just act natural.

If anyone asks, the toiled in the room

was like that when we got there, okay?

- [Crow] We're all going to Claire's,

getting our ears pierced and
then we're gonna murder you.

- [Tom] Love. It's what
makes sum a Sumuru a Sumuru.

- [Jonah] Say, is this Corinthian leather?

It's really, see ya!

- [Crow] Sorry, I'm in the shot.

- [Jonah] Sumuru, what do we do?

She's moving somehow.

- [Tom] The rich schadenfreude.

- Mr. Carter, please.

Mr. Carter.

- [Jonah] No, I heard you.

I just think it's a bad idea
to room with Frankie Avalon.

- [Crow] Perhaps this Thomas
Jefferson will jog your memory.

- Number 16.

- -Thank you.

- [Tom] Take a left
through the looking glass.

Can't miss him.

- [Jonah] Now let's play, what's a door

and what's a painting?

- [Crow] This just looks like

where the bathrooms at PF Chang's are.

- [Tom] Take your time,
Helga. Soak in the decor.

- [Jonah] We paid for
these Tao Te Ching posters

and now we're gonna use 'em.

(knocking on door)

- [Crow] But I'm not supposed
to be on set for two hours.

- [Tom] You're interrupting
Frankie's torso time!

- [Jonah] You know, the
Gideons just leave Bibles.

- [Tom] Land shark.

- Please.
- Put on a shirt.

- Well, I remember you.

You're the girl from Rome at the villa.

Your organization has already
tried to kill me. Thanks.

- Oh, but you've got to help me.

I've been on the run half the night.

♪ And party every half day ♪

- I think you better keep on running.

- Oh, but Nick, Nick, I've
got a message from Nick.

- Nick?

- Yes.

- [Crow] He said to give you a wedgie

and then mark your belief in Catholicism.

- What?

- [Tom] Pop quiz, whose
breasts are funnier?

- All right, now what about Nick?

- Well, Nick told me you're his friend.

- I know that. What about the message?

- [Jonah] The one about your wedgie?

- Is that gun necessary?

- I think so.

The last time I listened
to a girl who claimed

to have a message from Nick,

she tried to stick a knife in me.

- [Crow] That was Meg.

- I haven't got any concealed weapons.

Search it.

- [Tom] Sift through the
anthrax if you'd like.

- [Jonah] Oh, not like
that. (exasperated sighing)

- That doesn't prove anything.

- Well, where else could I-

- [All] Oh boy...
- Ew.

- [Crow] I'm doing my "It
Happened One Might" routine.

Deal with it.

- [Tom] Now I don't know where to shoot.

She could be anywhere back there.

Frankie mad.

- [Jonah] She doesn't sound naked.

- [Crow] I don't get it. Why
aren't I making out right now?

I'm Frankie Avalon. Is the
universe playing a joke on me?

- I wonder if this is
where I'm supposed to sing.

- [Tom] What? He's riffing himself!

- [Jonah] Hey, could you point
that somewhere else, Frankie?

Thank you.

- [Crow] Sham-Wow!

- Well. What'd you have in mind?

- Well, to prove to you that
I have no concealed weapons.

- [Tom] It's about damn
time. I'm Frankie Avalon.

- [Jonah] Bang!
- Golly, you're right.

- [Crow] Hmm, I wonder who I am.

- [Tom] Okay, if there
are any kids watching,

it's past all your bedtimes.

(whip cracking)

- [Jonah] It's good to
see her smiling again.

- [Crow] I am so proud of you.

- [Jonah] Yes, please. May I have another?

- This is a privilege,
oh leader of the world,

to be on the receiving
end of your generosity.

- [Tom] Gross.

- I was saving it up.

Saving it up until you were ready for it.

- [Jonah] 50 Shades of Blech.

- I am now, huh?

- Oh yes. Like a ripe apple on a tree.

- [Crow] That's tempting.

- The only thing is, how?

- [West] What do you mean how?

- The method.

It could be something of Ingrid's.

She has assets, electrical equipment,

and all kinds of bacilli.

- [Tom] She's kind of a hoarder.

- Or there are ancient traditional arts

known in these parts that have been used

for centuries with unfailing success.

- [Jonah] Calligraphy.

- Make a man suffer so
that he aches for death.

- Why don't you just keep talking

and you'll save yourself a lot of trouble.

You'll bore me to death.

Oh!
(all cheering)

[Crow] Beach Blanket Ba-oooga!

(soft music)

- Helga.

- [Tom] I want eggs over easy.

- No, don't worry.

You're with me.

[Jonah] In my sister's trundle bed.

- Is it time?

- [Crow] Time is a flat circle, all right.

- I think we better get started.

- Oh, I'm so worried.

- Don't worry. I told you
everything's gonna be all right.

- [Tom] I'm Frankie Avalon, baby.

- [Jonah] Get a room, you two-

Oh wait, you are in a room. Sorry.

Doesn't make sense.

- Mind if I borrow you towel?

- [Crow] To hide my shame?
- Okay.

- [Tom] Mwah.

- [Jonah] Reinforcements
are sent to Jellystone Park.

- [Crow] If you need socks
that high, just wear pants.

- The fisheries protection
vessel is going to follow us in.

- What's that?

- [Jonah] Water.
- machine guns.

They will give us cover if necessary

during the actual landing.

- Ah, well now you're
using your head, Inspector.

Or your gun,

- But is it enough?

Sumuru's got an army of
trained and dedicated killers.

- [Jonah] How are you living, my dudes?

- Do you mind if I join you?

- Sir Anthony.
- Good morning, Carter.

- Good morning.

- [Anthony] You in charge here, inspector?

- Yes.

- These should introduce me.

And there's my local
security clearance as well.

- [Jonah] I stink.

- Sir Anthony, what are you doing here?

Well, not that I'm not glad to see you.

- Oh, it's nice to hear
that, I'll tell you.

Our much-maligned
intelligence know, of course,

of my interest in your escapades,

so these issued me with the D44-

- [Crow] Nobody is that British.

- Pardon me gentlemen, while
I examine these documents.

- Yeah, certainly, certainly.

Got some news for you. You're doing fine.

London's very pleased with you.

- [Tom] Huh?

- You know, it's been dreadfully awkward,

trying to keep up this terrible
American accent, you know?

- They tell me you do it very well.

Have a word with you later in private.

- [Jonah] Wha?

- This is certainly the
highest authorization.

Perhaps you would-

- Oh no, my dear inspector, you carry on.

I'm merely holding a watching brief.

The FO are bound to want a full report..

- [Tom] And keep calm.

- Foreign office, you know. Shall we go?

- [Jonah] Wow, he sounds like

a slowed down Katherine Hepburn.

- [Crow] Tally ho,
jolly good, Fred Basset,

Doctor Who save the queen,
what's all this then,

chim chiree falls mainly on the plain,

are you being served tea and crumpets,

only fools and horses by Jove,

stiff upper lip and all that rot,

the game is afoot and mind the gap!

- [Tom] Handsy.

- [Jonah] I want front.

- [Crow] Eric von Zipper?

- [GPC] Oh thanks, I locked
myself in again. I mean.

- [GPC] Have you tried Secret, Mr. West?

Strong enough for a man,
but made for a woman.

- Poor Mr. West?

- [Crow] (snorting) What, huh?

- Before you are disposed of,

I'm going to convince you of something.

- [Tom] Hot dogs are sandwiches.

- You think I'm all cruelty.

You don't know the dreams I have

of a beautiful and peaceful world.

- [Jonah] Like the one
we're at my mom's house,

but it's also like, not my mom's house.

Also I thought for sure
your sister was there

and grandma was still-
(imitating muffled speech)

- [Crow] Hey, just under
the Hayes Code limit.

- You see? I can be kind.

- [GPC] Of a jerk.

- Honey. I had better
than that in high school.

- [GPC] And I was homeschooled.

- Oh!

- [Crow] It's okay. I deserve that.

- Cut him down and kill him.

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] Uh, I believe she
said cut him down first.

- [Jonah] You're wearing
that to your own execution?

- [Crow] Uh, can someone let
me out of the fitting room?

- [Tom] Missed me!

Missed again.

You're bad at this!

- [Jonah] Guys, please
don't all stand on one side.

We're listing starboard.

- [Crow] All these policemen

are three days away from retirement.

(Jonah growling)

- [Tom] Oh boy, it's
my turn on the big gun.

Look how bad guys, here
comes Danny. Pew pew pew!

I'm the super destroyer. Take it all.

Take it. Danny wins it all!

- [Crow] Aww, the baby boats
are approaching to suckle.

- [All] Mama, mama, mama!

Feed me, feed me!

- [Jonah] I want them to all just

keep getting into smaller
and smaller boats.

♪ There's nothing like a dame ♪

♪ Nothing in the world ♪

- [Tom] There's a million rays of sunshine

for this year's Sumuru regatta.

And they're off!

- [Jonah] Oh, that guy's
gonna shoot out their tires.

- [Tom] Oh, hush everyone,
they're on the air.

- [Crow] Maybe if I turn the lights off,

they'll think we're not home.

- [Jonah] Eww, it's all
wet and slippery and stuff.

- [Tom] Could we have maybe
parked a little closer?

- [Crow] Oh no, my underpants.
- Ew, eww. It's in my shoes.

- [Jonah] Seal Team Soggy.

- [Tom] Places, everyone!

(dramatic music)

- [Jonah] All right, who took the time

to dry and press all those guys' shorts?

- [Crow] Good fun.

- [Tom] Where can I set
up my beach umbrella?

(tense music)

- [Crow] Disney's live-action "Mulan"

is super different from the original.

- [Crow] That fortress
is made out of cake. Mmm!

- [Tom] Meanwhile, the
barley harvest was a success.

- [Crow] Oh shoot, I thought that was

for the garbage disposal.

- [Jonah] Oh, that beach
came outta nowhere.

- [Tom] What's this do?

(bomb exploding)

- [Crow] Serpentine! Serpentine!

- [Jonah] Oh, he's gonna be

finding sand in that gun for weeks.

(dramatic music)

(bomb exploding)

- [Tom] Oh look, Frankie
sent in his double.

(guns firing)

- [Crow] He should be more nervous.

He's literally a red shirt.

- [Jonah] Binoculars are a telescope?

(tense music)

(guns firing)

- [Tom] No one can defeat
me on a beach! Frankie, go!

- [Crow] pew, bang, pew, pew, pew.

Bang, gotcha! Bang!

- [Jonah] Tell my family
I died for nothing!

(guns firing)

- [Tom] Fine, but don't use all my data.

- [Crow] Look, a gun. Let's raise hell!

- [Jonah] So what are you wearing?

- [Tom] Locked and loaded.

(guns firing)

(bomb exploding)

- [Crow] I'll take credit
for that kill. Ha ha.

- [Jonah] Was the lady army a
bad idea? Be honest with me.

- What are we going to do?

- You know your orders,
defend as long as possible.

(gun firing)

- [Tom] Ow! What did I do?

- [Jonah] Yeah, I've been drinking.

So what, it my birthday! Ooh.

- [Crow] Cannonball!

- [Tom] Told you you couldn't
do "Risky Business," Darrell.

(gun firing)

- [Jonah] Say hello to
my little girlfriend.

- [Crow] Oh look, he's touring Hoover Dam.

It's an engineering marvel.

(tense music)

- [Tom] I love it when
a planned kinda happens.

- [Crow] I do declare! Ooh.

(guns firing)

- [Jonah] Oh, that
burrito's repeating on me.

(guns firing)

- [Crow] 50 bullets from
three feet away oughta do it.

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] Wow, n one can resist

the oddly shaped face of Nick West.

- [Jonah] If you could just
scooch over a bit, thanks.

- Mr. West, I presume.

- Who are you?

- [Crow] Eat hot licorice!

(gun firing)

- [Tom] I'd like to
see Peter Tork do this!

- [Jonah] Oof. White pants for a shootout?

(guns firing)

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Are they
escaping into a Fox hunt?

(Jonah imitates trumpet fanfare)

- [Tom] Even Nick West knows
handrail safety is important.

- [Jonah] Oh, Bill Nye's gonna be pissed.

- [Crow] She'll live
to squeeze another day.

- [Tom] Oh no. Someone
shot off all my buttons.

- Tommy?
- Can you hear me?

- Tommy!
- Can you feel me near you?

(tense music)

- [Crow] So much paperwork.

- You seen her?

- Look, Inspector Koos, at
these prices, who cares?

- If she's anywhere in
there, she's had it.

- I hope the fire doesn't reach the files.

They should be required reading.

- I hope it doesn't reach
the magazine in the armory.

Helga says there's
enough explosive in there

to make this volcano into an island.

- In that case, what are we
being so damn heroic for?

Let's get down to the jetty.

- That would, I imagine,
be the most prudent course.

- Where are you going?

- [Jonah] This way, to
the end of the movie.

- [Crow] There she goes,
off to form Bikini Kill.

- [Tom] Well, I'm in the bunker.

Guess there's nothing left to do

but marry Eva Braun and end it all.

- [Jonah] Lady Army lives on!

- [Crow] No it doesn't.
- Oh.

[Tom] Looks like we won't be
going back to Sandals, eh what?

- Well, that's the end of Sumuru.

No human being could survive that.

- Yes, but Sir Anthony,
whoever said she was human?

- [Jonah] And now to let the
disappointment wash over you.

(doors clanging)

- Anyone else left oddly deflated
by those last few moments?

- Yeah, I didn't know a movie

could end with the bang and a whimper.

- Well guys, we just saw a
perfect example of Jonah's Law.

- Don't walk in on you in the bathroom

to show you a retainer we found?

- No, that's Jonah's Golden Rule.

Jonah's Law states that
the movie is only as strong

as its villain and Sumuru
just doesn't stack up.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're really gonna stand
there and Jonahsplain

that Sumuru wasn't good enough?

Well, let me tell you, buster,

she was a trailblazer for
all of us supervillainesses.

- She had to do everything Dr. Doom did,

but backwards and in heels!

- Stay out of this, Max!

Grandma, clones, back me up on this

(upbeat music)

♪ Sumuru walked so that we could run ♪

♪ You'll all bow down before
us by the time we're done ♪

♪ We're kicking booties
and we're taking names ♪

♪ The Evil Sisterhood
of the Traveling Pains ♪

♪ 24/7 now it's Ladies' Night ♪

♪ Who run the world ♪

♪ Yeah, you got that right ♪

♪ Supervillainesses ♪
♪ Shooby doo wop ♪

♪ Supervillainesses ♪
♪ Shooby doo wop ♪

♪ Supervillainesses ♪

♪ All my girls up to their old tricks ♪

♪ Hela, Cruella, and Bellatrix ♪

♪ Cersei and Ursula, comin' for you ♪

♪ And also Ursa from "Superman II" ♪

♪ Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn ♪

♪ Mean ol' Ms. Trunchbull and Maleficent ♪

♪ The leaders of our respective packs ♪

♪ Go ahead and push the button, Max ♪

- [Max] Sorry.

- I said push the button, Max!

(camera cutting out)

(epic theme music)

(jazzy music)

(ska music)

(upbeat music)

(mellow band music)

- What happened?

- She killed Boong.

- Did I hear my name?

- President Boong?

- The real one.