Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022): Season 3, Episode 6 - Demon Squad - full transcript
(spaceship whirring)
- Ooh!
Dr. Erhardt will be back from the Time Bag
any minute with an original host
from my family's maiden experiment!
- Erhardt and I drank
Kingachrome together once.
It was wild.
- Oh, hush.
- I know.
- Look, oh no, here he comes!
(spaceship whirring)
- Here you go, Kinga.
Your 100% certified,
grade-A, original host.
- Who did you bring us?
- I don't know.
I just grabbed the first SOL I could find
and threw a hook onto it.
I didn't do white guy roll call.
- Oh, cool.
It's like a prize in a box of cereal!
All right, all right.
Dr. Erhardt, let's see who you brought!
- Oh yeah, that should, oh.
Hey, hello.
Hey, can anybody hear me?
- Joel?
- [Man] Here we go.
(upbeat music)
♪ In the not-too-distant future ♪
♪ Next Sunday afternoon ♪
♪ The evil Kinga Forrester ♪
♪ Ran her empire from the moon ♪
♪ Her latest plan was the Gizmoplex ♪
♪ A twisted scheme based on stolen specs ♪
♪ Now she's pulling the strings
from the old moon base ♪
♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪
♪ With prisoners out in space ♪
♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪
♪ The worst motion picture wrecks ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to sit and watch them all ♪
♪ And we'll stream 'em at the Gizmoplex ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Now keep in mind they can't control ♪
♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪
♪ With the help of their robot friends ♪
♪ Robot roll call ♪
♪ Cambot ♪
- And action.
♪ GPC ♪
- Which one?
♪ Tom Servo ♪
- That's me!
♪ Crow ♪
♪ If you wondering how
they eat and breathe ♪
♪ And other science facts ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Then repeat to yourself,
"it's just a show, ♪
♪ I should really just relax" ♪
♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪
- Well, well, well, Joel
Robinson in the flesh.
I am the almighty Kinga Forrester,
heir to the Mystery Science
Theater 3000 throne.
- And I'm Synthia clone, of Pearl,
who begot Clayton Forrester, who begot-
- Enough, enough, enough.
Robinson.
You look different than I remember.
- Oh, well, if Dr. Erhardt was
trying to go into the past,
he kind of screwed up.
See, I'm from the year
3000, and from the looks
of your primitive domicile, I
was pulled from your future.
- Oh, I mean, for a thousand
years old, he looks good.
- The future, huh?
Okay.
I can work with this.
- Hey, Dr. Erhardt, I haven't
seen you in several millennia.
How's the mad biz treating ya?
- You know Joel, it ebbs and flows.
More of a hobby at this point.
- I gotcha.
Really glad to hear your
voice caught up with you too.
That shrill nagging tone you always had
was really grating on the ears.
- It's a hormonal disorder,
you little piece of-
- Gentlemen!
Leave the petty name-calling to me.
Now then, Joel, where are your bots?
- Oh.
Well, they were on a space walk
when the satellite got towed.
My guess is they're still floating around
somewhere in the year
3000, which is kind of apt
when you think about
it, what with the show
being named Mystery Science
Theater 3000 and all.
(Kinga gasps)
- Erhardt, you got the
host, but not the bots?
- Hey, I kept...
I kept my end of the bargain.
You needed a host, I brought you a host.
Erhardt out.
Nice seeing you, Joel.
Glad we can be friends.
- [Joel] Hey, back at ya.
- Hey, can't we just use Emily's bots?
I mean, she's not using them right now.
- Oh, that is just a...
That's actually not the
worst idea I've ever heard.
Okay, so go get Emily's bots
from the Simulator of Love
and deposit them onto Joel's satellite.
- On it.
- Go.
- On it.
(spaceship whirring)
- So see, what you do is you always order
an Arnold Palmer, 'cause
your clients will really
sit up and take notice.
(bots gasping)
(bots shouting)
What the...
- And while we're waiting, why don't we do
the invention exchange?
Max!
- Woohoo!
Electric lassos!
Hey, Joel! (laughing)
- For the do-it-yourself
cowboy be-bopper at home!
- You get it?
Woohoo!
- I hate to tell you guys, but I think
that's an old Gallagher bit.
Actually, it probably predates
him by a couple of decades.
I think Zany Blaney might
have done it in his magic act.
And then of course, so
many of these things
originated in the bygone
era of vaudeville,
so frankly, we'll never
really know for sure.
- Of course he would know that.
- Synthia, how are
those bots coming along?
Stop it.
- I don't know how to stop it!
- Stop it!
(Max shouts)
(spaceship whirring)
(metal banging)
(bots shouting)
- Wow, hey everybody.
- Joel?
- Hey Joel.
Oh my goodness.
- You've been working out.
- Wow!
This craft looks to be at
least, what, 30 years old?
Fascinating.
- Well, actually, it's from a
thousand years in the future.
We're doing quite well, thank you.
- Hey Joel, you know how
to make an Arnold Palmer?
- Oh sure.
There's a bot who knows what he wants.
I'm impressed.
Hey, can you grab my toolbox
from under the table?
- Oh, sure thing, chief.
- Thank you.
- Here we go.
Here it is.
- Thanks very much.
Very good.
And there is your Arnold Palmer.
- Oh, wow, thanks, man.
- All right, Servo, if you don't mind,
I'm gonna go in here and do
a few minor alterations here.
- Say, that tickles.
Is this a part of the invention?
'Cause I like it.
- Well, listen, in the seventies,
mood rings were all the rage.
They allowed people to
tell what your mood was
without even talking to you.
So I'm giving Servo a mood globe
so we can identify his
ever changing moods.
- Yeah, and I'm thrilled about it.
- Yep, checks out,
yellow means he's happy.
- I feel like I can take on the world.
- Orange means he's confident,
but it kind of clashes
with your hover skirt.
- What do you mean?
You don't think it looks any good?
- No, purple means he's
searching for validation.
- Joel.
It looks good, right?
- Sure it does, buddy.
- And blue means he's calm again.
- Okay.
I'm going to endeavor to be
kind to tomorrow's Servo.
- What do you think, sirs?
- Meh.
Joel Robinson, now that you are once again
a captive of the Forrester
family experiment,
Mystery Science Theater 3000,
I hope you're prepared
for your movie today,
because it really puts the no in noir.
- If you've ever wanted to
attend a Smash Mouth concert
in a Spirit Halloween store,
and you're gonna love this.
- Nobody's looking to do that!
It's called "Demon Squad."
Flush them the movie!
(Max shouting)
Down, put it down!
- [Bonesy] Wait, who was that guy again?
- [Ardy] I'll tell you later.
Movie in the hole!
(toilet flushing)
- Oh, give it to me straight, doc.
What does pink mean?
- I think you need to get that looked at.
Whoa, we got movie sign!
(alarm blaring)
- [Crow] Let me finish my drink!
(doors sliding and banging)
(wind whistling)
So this is what it sounds
like when owls fight.
(knocking on door)
- [Tom Servo] Come on
in, the movie's open.
(viewers shout)
- [Joel] Last call, drinker Bella.
You don't gotta go home,
but you can't stay here.
- What's a demon like you
doing in a girl like that?
- What gave me away?
- In here?
Nice looking blonde who isn't
being ritually sacrificed?
Raises the red flag.
- You must be Nick Moon.
(Nick chuckles)
- Lapels and all.
- What gave me away?
- Gin soaked, dumb hat, too much swagger.
- [Tom Servo] Hi!
- You live up to your reputation.
- [Joel] Whoa, they're at a puppet bar.
- I'm flattered.
- You've made a lot of enemies.
- [Crow] Not the nose, I just had it done!
- Not the makin' friends type.
- [Tom Servo] He's the hangout
in bars with puppets type.
- Now.
- Go on.
- I hear that you're in possession
of something you shouldn't.
And I don't mean that lovely body.
- Smooth.
- Little old me?
- I also know you have a buyer lined up.
Some back alley stiff.
That's a literal description
from what I'm told.
- You got me, Moon.
- [Tom Servo] Oh, he had her
the second she saw that hat.
- I don't wanna make a scene, Blondie.
- [Crow] Oh, Dagwood.
- And I might like you
keep prancin' around
in that little miss co-ed.
Do this the hard way, well...
She's already dead.
- [Joel] Jim.
Sorry, I had to say it.
- You're quite the negotiator.
- Skill I picked up from my
fourth wife's divorce attorney.
- If we do this, we do it on the down low.
- [Tom Servo] Fine.
I was born on the down-low.
- [Joel] Wait, is there
a Party City back there?
- [Crow] Blue steel!
- Careful.
It could freeze like that.
- [Tom Servo] Good thing he's
wearing his tactical trilby.
- Last chance.
(man grunts)
- Last chance.
(demon spits)
- [Crow] Aww, you Blondie ink.
- Hard way it is.
- [Joel] Yeah, it is the hard
way, and we're just watching.
- [Tom Servo] Oof.
(speaking foreign language)
- [Woman] Hey.
- Keep walking.
- What do you think you're-
(gun clicks)
- Overruled.
- Odds are, you know my
name, and you know what I do.
- [Crow] And exit Scary Bradshaw.
(gunshot bangs)
- [Joel] Oh, you're a loose cannon, Moon.
I want your gun, your badge,
and your dagger on my desk
first thing in the morning.
- Now.
Where were we?
- [Tom Servo] Burger King basement.
- [Crow] Wait, hold still, I missed.
- Please.
Don't.
(speaking foreign language)
- [Joel] Whoa, that's real
Latin, this guy's legit!
(speaking foreign language)
- [Tom Servo] You gotta
remember, for Nick Moon,
this is just another Monday.
- [Joel] Wait, how do we
know he's not delusional
and didn't just straight
up kill innocent woman?
- [Tom Servo] Oh.
- [Crow] Demon booger.
Two, three days old.
- [Tom Servo] Oh, we are
so not cleaning that up.
- [Joel] Eyes Cube?
- Fellas.
(Nick grunts)
- [Tom Servo] To be fair, he
does have resting punch face.
♪ Nick Moon, Nick Moon will see you soon ♪
♪ Paranormal guy from Saskatoon ♪
- [Tom Servo] Really, he's from Canada?
- [Crow] I have no idea.
- [Joel] Isn't that the demon
head from the bar scene?
As filmmakers they've
already stopped caring.
- Rough night?
- You don't know the half of it.
- [Tom Servo] Here, grunge Moneypenny.
Throw this away for me, will ya?
- Let Moses know his
artifact's accounted for.
(Crow imitating boots squishing)
And make sure I get paid this time.
Cash.
No more checks.
- [Joel] Baby bottle pop.
- No, no, no.
- No, no, no, no.
- [Tom Servo] See, we
can both grab things.
- Drink this.
You look like death.
- [Joel] Baby bottle pop.
- And on that subject, I
am about to use this thing
for scrap, but we need something
that'll stay on more than
10 minutes at a time.
- Those things still close money, right?
- Thing's older than I am.
- Still works harder.
- Says the drunk guy.
- As I keep saying, I
would happily work hard
at the job I thought I was hired for.
- [Tom Servo] Well, I thought
I needed a jaded barista.
- We settled this.
You're lucky I even hired you.
- It helped that I was the only applicant.
- Ooh, another LinkedIn success story.
- Fudged a bit on the experience.
- Lied is a better word.
- Whatevs.
Point is, filing bad, field work good.
- Daisy!
- Nick!
- Can we do this when it feels less
like a jackhammer is sitting under my hat?
- Oh.
I'm sensing you have a hangover?
Don't forget about your 9:15.
- [Tom Servo] Ugh, jazzersize.
- [Nick] Can we cancel that, please?
- She's already in your office.
- [Joel] Wait, I got an office?
- [Crow] Oh?
- [Tom Servo] Gin breath, check.
- Daisy.
- No give backs.
(hammer banging)
- [Crow] Props provided by
Gulf Coast Goodwill stores,
Mobile, Alabama.
- Now that was gifted to
me from the Chokwe people
in Angola.
- The Mwana Po.
Young lady, death mask, representing
a female ancestor who died young.
- [Tom Servo] So you know about books too.
- Not so very common tourist knowledge.
- [Joel] Wait, did she switch to German?
- You have quite the education.
- [Crow] I went to Cornell.
- Nasty habit?
- [Tom Servo] I guess, if you
like fresh breath, what a B.
- Do you mind, Mr. Moon?
- Moo moo.
- Mooning.
- Please.
- [Tom Servo] Pretty neat, Hellboy.
- [Joel] Could you hurry?
It kind of hurts.
- So it's true.
You do have gifts.
- Parlor tricks mostly.
- Boink.
- What can I do for you, Miss?
- Fontaine.
Delilah Fontaine.
- Miss Fontaine.
- Call me Lilah.
- So, Karen.
- Leslie.
- [Crow] Sandy.
- Any relation to Charles Fontaine?
- He's my father.
- Let me stop you there.
- Tony.
- I don't do missing persons.
- I think you'll find this particular case
to be of interest.
- Look, lady, as much
as I'd like to help you,
I can't find your old man.
Doesn't matter how many
zeros you put on the check.
- [Joel] Because Nick don't do math.
- Nick, the police are investigating
my father's whereabouts.
What I need your services for is evidently
outside their field of expertise.
- [Tom Servo] Expert what?
- There's a certain artifact
belonging to my father
that's gone missing.
Detective Fortier recommended you.
- [Crow] Now hang on, I forgot.
Does one swallow gum or spit it out?
- Bert sent you, huh?
- Not my line.
- That is...
Interesting.
I'm not cheap.
- [Crow] Tell that to
the groupon I'm holding.
- The best never are.
- [Tom Servo] You win
again, Carmen San Diego.
- I need to see the crime scene.
- [Crow] It's in your bathroom, I'm sorry.
- [Joel] Oh, ah.
While you were in there,
I made two mochaccinos.
Somebody love me!
- I'm sensing-
- Direct distribution.
- You...
- Wanna come along?
- [Crow] I'd follow that trilby anywhere.
- [Joel] Oh, he asked me, he asked me!
- [Tom Servo] No brakes.
- [Joel] You rang?
- [Tom Servo] Hey, movie.
- Hey.
(Joel whistling)
Hey.
- Come on.
- Down here.
- There you go.
- Nice digs.
- Perks of being an affluent archeologist.
- [Joel] Ah, that's an oxymoron.
- Get to keep all the stuff you found.
- [Tom Servo] I guess.
- Speaking of.
Where'd your father dig
up this missing artifact?
- He didn't.
It was a recent purchase.
We kept it in the dining room.
- Of course.
- Aww, he's adorable.
- The dinner guests.
- That's the entire point
of having one of a kind.
Why have it if you can't
make your peers jealous?
Through here.
- [Crow] So what is this place?
An Ikea for rich people?
- [Tom Servo] Hey, you've got
a table, I've heard of these.
Let's eat something off it!
- Whiskey sour if you have it.
- It's 10 a.m..
- Oh, maybe just a screwdriver then?
- [Joel] Blink, blink,
blink, blink, blink, blink.
- We'll have coffee, black.
- [Crow] Jeeves, you heard the lady.
Coffee, black.
- Do you have an alarm in this place?
- It was deactivated and
ripped from the wall.
That's what's left.
- Made you look.
- So somebody had the code.
- Or obtained it from someone who did.
- My father?
- Who art in heaven?
- Somebody knew what they were doing.
Certainly knew what they were after.
- [Joel] And it wasn't tables.
- No forced entry, or exit, either.
- [Crow] Is he speaking Latin again?
- This looks a little
too crime-y for my taste.
- It's a lot of trouble
for something that can't be
easily fenced on the street, Nick.
- Note to self, sweat more.
- Any photos of this thing?
- Of course.
- [Joel] Jeeves, fetch me my Instagram.
- They're from the museum.
- [Viewers] They belong in a museum!
- Shiny, sharp.
Yep, it's a dagger.
- [Crow] Whatevs, K, bye!
- [Tom Servo] Pat Benatar
says it's authentic.
- How much did your father pay for?
- Just over 100,000.
- Doge Coin.
- Normally that's in the
lower end of his acquisitions,
but from the way you talk, it sounds like
he may have been fleeced.
- No, I say he got one hell of a deal.
- [Crow] Shoot.
- The certificate claims it's Mayan,
classic period matters, but-
- [Viewers] But?!
- It's offensively blatant
that the dagger is much older,
and definitely isn't Mayan.
- Meaning?
- Meaning.
- It's Mayan.
- Much more valuable.
Priceless, actually.
Frankly, I don't understand
how something like this
could be misidentified.
- Wikipedia.
- And from the antiquities
museum, no less.
- So my father was
conned, but in his favor?
- Yes, Chaka Conned.
- Why would someone practically
give a find like this away?
(Joel singing "Jeopardy" theme)
- [Crow] Winter's coming.
- Do you trust him?
- [Tom Servo] Which him?
- Edwin?
Absolutely.
He's been in our family
as long as I can remember.
- [Crow] They built the house around him.
- [Daisy] Oh.
- Whoa, he's Johnny Depping
pretty hard over there.
- [Nick] That's bourbon.
- [Tom Servo] Sir, that's my body bourbon.
- That alarm.
Were the police able to pull prints?
- Nothing.
- [Crow] Well then, were the
fleas able to fool Prince?
- Hit the lights.
- [Joel] Let the music move
you, lose yourself tonight.
Selena Gomez.
- What's he doing?
- [Daisy] Investigating.
- I told you the police
didn't find anything.
- Their gear wouldn't pick this up.
- [Tom Servo] Okay, Nick,
it's time to steam some punks.
- [Crow] Are those (indistinct)?
- Some kind of ectoplasmic paw print.
With a hint of...
- Cheeto dust?
- Keith Richards!
- Ham.
- Sulfur.
- Ew.
- It's humanoid.
Just not human.
- Excuse me?
So that narrows it down to, what?
34 known species in the area?
- 41, actually.
- Final offer.
- Seasonal migration.
- Known species of what?
- [Tom Servo] Mansplains.
- You know Lilah, I envy you, I really do.
There's a strange new world
out there and you're only
touching the tip of the iceberg.
- [Crow] But just the tip, cool.
- What I wouldn't give to
experience it all over again
for the first time.
- [Joel] Cool story, bro.
- Known species of what?
(phone ringing)
- Pardon me, ladies.
- [Tom Servo] Let's gesture!
- Moon.
- Hey.
I need you downtown ASAP.
- What do you have?
- [Bert] Oh, it's big mass, Nick.
And it's right up your alley.
- I'm on my way.
- [Crow] All right, Nick
Moon's carpet cleaning service
is back in business.
- Lilah.
(Joel smooches)
It was lovely meeting you.
- Only under better circumstances.
- I'll find your dagger.
You're in good hands.
Don't worry.
- Hands, got it.
- And Miss?
- O'Reilly.
- It was nice meeting you too.
- [Crow] Whatevs.
- I'll be in touch.
- [Tom Servo] And I'll
be in my money bath.
- It's okay, Jeeves.
We can let ourselves out.
- [Crow] Please do, de queen.
- Do you think it was
wise to enlist his help?
- No.
- But Lilah likey.
- But we need him.
- [Tom Servo] Mobile, the
Little Big Easy, boss golf.
- Where are we headed?
- Me?
Downtown.
I'll drop you at the office.
See what we can dig up on this dagger.
- Research?
You're kidding, right?
- Are we there yet?
Oh, wait, I'm driving.
- Fine.
You wanna come with, come with.
Just hit the books after, all right?
- [Joel] Oh, I'm gonna hit
those books so hard, you'll see.
- [Tom Servo] M-town, Cabbageville,
Mrs. Henderson's Folly.
- Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Seriously?
- [Crow] After I pushed my
way through this whole crowd?
(Nick whistles)
- Yeah, yeah, let him in.
- [Joel] And this is how
you limbo, Jimbo, bye!
- [Tom Servo] One more
look back for authenticity.
- Thanks for the call, Bert.
- Yeah.
- Where's the rest of your crew?
- They're not here.
I'm trying to keep this
one on the-down low, so.
- [Crow] I'm a barista.
- No.
She's with me.
- Daisy?
Daisy?
Yeah.
- [Joel] I broughted coffee!
- Nice to finally match
a face to the voice.
- Bert, Daisy.
Daisy, Bert.
- Thank you.
Nice of the grouch to finally let you out.
It's a pleasure.
- [Tom Servo] Ooh, buzz kill.
- Yeah, right this way.
You know, it's getting harder and harder
to keep a wrap on this
hoo-doo paranormal stuff.
It's clocking in at maybe
two, three times a week now.
- Really?
Because my business isn't
what you call booming.
- Yeah, well if it were to
me, you'd be on the payroll.
- [Crow] But what do I know?
I'm an Uber driver.
- Have you seen it yet?
- I was kind of waiting
for you to do the honors.
Might wanna brace yourself for this one.
- [Joel] Yeah, and set your
beaded necklace to stun.
- [Tom Servo] And for dessert...
(Bert groaning)
- You need a minute?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
- He wasn't fine.
- What the hell is that?
- A torso.
- Torso it seems.
- You know what I mean.
- Its a breed of demon.
Galbore, I think.
Can't be sure with so little to go on.
- [Tom Servo] Don't we know it.
- [Crow] Yes, sir.
Some people just call 'em
all demons and call it a day,
but not our man Moon.
- Yeah, but beyond the
danger it can put you in,
to not know the difference
between a Galbore
from a druid from a Cambrian, to them,
it's just plain hurtful.
(robots groan)
♪ Do do do do, Inspector Gadget ♪
- [Crow] It was grape poisoning!
(doors sliding and banging)
- Sam, I told you not to let
Nick Moon into the bar anymore.
He's killing our business.
- What do you mean, Diane?
He's an okay guy.
- No, I mean, he's actually
killing our customers.
'Cause they're demons.
(audience laughing and applauding)
(cheerful piano music)
- [Tom Servo] Feers was filmed in front of
a dead studio audience.
- I'll have a world in turmoil.
- Hey Sam.
You remember how to
make a world in turmoil?
- Yeah, I think.
Let's see, two parts
bourbon, one part seltzer,
garnished with the anger and
resentment of five generations,
add a lemon twist and serve.
(audience laughing)
- You know, Sam, I think
this is the longest
you've been single since I've known you.
How is bachelor life treating you, anyway?
- Ooh, not good, Diane.
Man, I am so randy, the next unholy freak
that walks through those
doors had better look out.
(audience laughing)
- Well, howdy do.
- Norm!
(audience applauding)
- That's my name.
Which gives you a measure
of demonic power over me.
(audience laughing)
Hey, Sammy boy, gimme a cold one.
It's five o'clock somewhere in hell.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, and here's your world in turmoil.
Please drink it slow and make
sure you got a ride home.
(cheerful piano music)
- And cut.
Yeah, I'm starting to
rethink the idea of doing
an elaborate "Cheers"
parody simply because
they had a lame dragon
puppet in the movie.
- Yeah, it did kind of
fall apart at the end.
- Well, I killed.
(audience laughing)
(alarm blaring)
- We got movie sign!
(doors sliding and banging)
- I'll look into it.
- [Joel] Meanwhile, in
the city's other building.
(phone ringing)
- [Tom Servo] Poor thing lives in her car.
- What you got?
- Whatever killed this sap
stole Fontaine's dagger.
- How can you be sure?
- The corpse is covered
with ectoplasmic residue.
- Ew.
- Just spotted my lead.
- Read everything you
can about the dagger.
Its history, uses, why
someone would need it.
- I think we know the why.
- No, hold on a second.
- [Crow] Sorry, but the
torso didn't make it.
- Party girl just found
one right behind Whirl.
This one's only missing
its left arm, though.
- [Joel] Mondays, am I right?
- Gotta scoot.
- Mah toot.
- [Crow] A boot.
- [Joel] Well hello
there, 50 shades of beige.
- Are you Paul?
- Who wants to know?
- [Tom Servo] The
International Paul Society.
- Paranormal investigators?
Am I reading this right?
- Daisy O'Reilly, I'm an
associate of Mr. Moon's.
I have a few questions
about a certain knife
the museum auctioned.
- The museum auctions many
artifacts, Miss O'Reilly.
You'll need to set an
appointment with my assistant.
- Paul.
- Dr. Betencourt.
- Sorry, Dr. Paul.
- I can't help you.
- [Crow] Come on, Daisy, use your words.
- Is this your signature?
- Yes.
- Then you can help me.
- [Joel] Sorry, but I'm
busy looking over there.
- [Tom Servo] It's the
Men's Warehouse repo men.
- Hey.
You with me?
- [Tom Servo] It's the
Men's Warehouse repo men!
- Dr. Paul.
- Not here.
Meet me at the square.
- [Crow] The square what?
- I said I can't help you, miss.
- [Crow] The square what?!
- [Joel] Battleship Park
underwritten by a generous donation
by Milton Bradley.
- [Tom Servo] Whoa, easy
there, Blandy Newman.
♪ I love Mobile ♪
- Who are you hiding from?
- Everyone, it seems.
- First off, I'm gonna need to
get that card back from you.
It's the only one we have.
- [Crow] Sorry it's so moist.
- You bent it.
- Miss O'Reilly.
- That's Dr. Miss O'Reilly.
- Does this look familiar?
- I thought we were finally
rid of that damn thing.
- It's just a knife, doc.
- Oh, it's more than just a knife.
- [Tom Servo] It's a
knife style lifestyle.
- The exact details of the
dagger are still up for debate.
- Oh, what's this?
- Inscriptions.
The language used is unknown, but predates
anything on record.
We had to cross-reference passages
from six different ancient manuscripts
just to get a gist of its
capabilities and history.
- Is this true?
- Is it still just a knife, Miss O'Reilly?
- The blade has its
own electrical current.
- Meaning theoretically it
could categorize its own cuts.
- That's handy.
- Unfortunately, that's
the bulk of what we know
about this piece.
There were mentions of
a core in its handle
that we surmise worked
much like a battery,
but nothing was ever found.
Not by us, anyway.
- No kidding.
An ancient battery.
- It is a remarkable piece.
Every underground religion and cult
with a bank account wanted it.
Most backed off, but there
was one sect that proved-
- Too hot for TV.
- Pushier than the rest.
- And you think they're
still keeping tabs.
- Oh, I know they are, Miss O'Reilly.
- [Tom Servo] It's the
Men's Warehouse repo men!
- That could be anyone.
- [Crow] It's the Men's
Warehouse repo men!
- [Tom Servo] Hey.
- [Joel] What, no third guy?
- [Tom Servo] Quick,
put on your privilege.
- [Crow] This looks like
a job for someone else!
- [Joel] Surrender Dorothy?
(Tom Servo sneezes)
- [Tom Servo] Rufio!
- Hey Moses.
Fellas, do we have to do
this every single time?
(Crow imitates bicycle horn)
You keep that up, I'm gonna
start expecting a ring.
- [Joel] No, seriously, keep it up.
This hat isn't the chick
magnet I thought it would be.
Mo.
(Joel groaning)
- Moon Pie.
You've been quiet.
I was starting to think you was dead.
- We both know that won't keep me quiet.
- It's okay, boys, he can sit.
Shoo, scoot.
- [Tom Servo] This gender reveal
party went horribly wrong.
- [Crow] Ah, there goes
Snoop Dogg and his entourage.
- Still think I'm paranoid?
- That pushy sect.
Does it have a name?
- Not one they've shared with me.
The man in charge, though, is rather tall,
well dressed, scarred.
I've said enough, Miss O'Reilly.
- [Joel] Man!
- No artifact is worth dying over.
- Well, tell that to Professor Fontaine.
- Last I heard he was
merely unaccounted for.
- Missing, dead, he ain't around.
- [Tom Servo] Round!
- My intention to put him in harm's way.
The dagger's cultural significance
precluded me from destroying it.
We did the next best thing,
wiped its existence from record.
As far as the museum is concerned,
it was merely lost in transport.
We purposely misidentified
it, and for all appearances,
put it on the auction block.
I actually made the
purchasing arrangements
with the professor myself.
He was well aware of the risk.
- [Crow] Swiper, no swiping!
- [Paul] I mentioned the dagger's core?
- [Daisy] Battery.
The dagger has enough
residual energy to cauterize,
but without the core, it can't
be used as a power source.
- [Tom Servo] Duh, what?
- Power source.
- Dammit, without a power source,
the dagger is virtually
useless to whomever has it.
- Well, that's only sorta comforting.
What does this core look like?
- Small, cylindrical, about
the size of A double a battery.
- Let him go.
- Where's the core, Pops?
- Corn Pops?
Aisle three!
- Daisy, run!
- One, two, flee!
(flesh squelches)
- [Joel] Use the handrail.
- [Tom Servo] Only the beige die young.
- Next time, bitch.
- [Crow] Whoa, what
did she ever do to you?
- Three questions, unless you
payin', then sky's the limit.
- [Joel] Thanks, Sinbad.
- Friends and family discount?
- That is a discount.
- First question.
Where can I throw my gum out?
- [Crow] My dog coughed
this up last night.
- That's business.
- Business.
- You know business is no questions asked.
- Fine.
What about this?
- [Joel] Oh, this is a little
fooler we call Find the Lady.
- Missing dagger.
What can you tell me about it?
- [Tom Servo] Very nice.
One D6 with piercing and
reach, plus two against undead.
It's a solid roll.
- Bad news.
- This dagger has ringworm.
- That's real helpful, Moses.
- Shut up for two seconds
and just listen to me.
This is something you don't mess with.
- [Joel] Om nom nom.
- Gives life or death to demons.
- Death, I get.
But life?
How?
- That's your second question.
- [Tom Servo] You wanna start with
any appetizers or anything?
- What can you tell me
about these monster murders?
The who, what, and why would be nice.
- Word on the grapevine?
- Word to your grapevine.
- That certain parts and certain organs
are being removed, correct?
- [Joel] I didn't catch any of that,
I was a million miles away.
- Who's ever doing this
has a plan, a need.
- [Tom Servo] For speed?
Ow!
- You're saying someone
needs these specific parts?
- Hey.
- Didn't come from my lips, all right?
Now, like I said before, there's
some strange folks in town,
especially in the warehouse district.
Now, I'm going to pretend
that you didn't say anything.
- [Crow] Can we pretend too?
- And I'm gonna let that
last question slide.
Now, I'll give you one more.
- [Joel] Ooh, ask for more questions.
- Phone a friend.
- Poll the audience!
- You got a suit I can borrow?
- [Joel] Mine is wet for some reason.
- You must got a date or something.
- Or something.
I'm taking a new client dinner.
- She must be a good looker.
Fix him up, boys.
- Right, kill him.
(Tom Servo scatting)
- That ain't her over there, is it?
- [Tom Servo] Just walked
in and already asking
to speak to the manager.
- The hell is she doing here?
- [Joel] Well, he's checking Tiktok.
- I expect that suit at
my office this afternoon.
- It's already on its way, Moon Pie.
- [Crow] He used to call me Moon Pie.
- [Tom Servo] He used to
call me Kevin Bacon. (snorts)
- Crowd's getting kind rough.
Now I think you two should scram.
- See you around, Moses.
- Good luck.
- [Tom Servo] Dude walks funny.
- [Crow] How about a nice Hawaiian Punch!
- Hands off.
- [Tom Servo] This ex-Pizza
Hut ain't big enough
for the two of us.
- Anyone else?
- Oh, yeah, wow.
- Sure, yeah, okay.
- Sure knows how to make enemies.
- Let's go.
- [Joel] I'm late for my shift at Target.
(gunshot bangs)
(flesh squelches)
(man screams)
- [Crow] Wilhelm!
- Oh my god.
- [Tom Servo] He's a hugger.
- [Joel] Oh, he's looking for truffles.
- Where's the core?
- Ain't got it.
(Nick shouts)
- [Crow] Zuckerberg's not aging well.
- [Tom Servo] Pete Davidson out.
- [Joel] Mr. Zuckerberg,
can I have your autograph?
- [Crow] Should have seen that coming.
- [Tom Servo] Flame on!
- [Joel] Ah, caught my
hand in the door again!
- Dammit, Moses.
- Dagger has an energy core.
Moses had you track it for him.
That's what that cylinder is.
- Where's it now?
- Wrong hands.
- [Crow] Ah, dammit, I forgot to tip.
- [Tom Servo] Ooh, look
who got Google Glass.
- While I'm out, I want you to
track down your vamp friend.
- Hold up.
You're giving me an actual assignment?
- You held your own today.
- [Tom Servo] I held what?
- Find him.
But don't make a move
until you hear from me.
- [Crow] Bang!
- Clear?
- Crystal.
Now go show off that
suit before it turns back
into a pumpkin.
- [Tom Servo] Before it
turns back into a pumpkin.
Well, maybe you are a pumpkin.
That's what I should have said.
Aw, phooey.
(doorbell rings)
- [Tom Servo] You ordered
a sweaty Alabaman?
- Good evening, Miss Fontaine.
- Nick.
- [Crow] Nope.
- Let me get my jacket.
- [Tom Servo] I had one of the chandeliers
tailored into this dress.
Do you like it?
- Hope you're not too
embarrassed to be seen with me.
- You're just full of
surprises, aren't you, Nick?
- No one ever complained
about me being dull.
- [Joel] Just Mommy.
- There's this new steakhouse on canal.
(body thuds)
- [Crow] Well, look who dropped in!
- [Tom Servo] Quick,
what's the number for CPR?
- He's dead.
- [Tom Servo] He was the only one who knew
how to work the light switch!
- [Crow] Surrender your
11 herbs and spices?
(wind whooshing)
- [Tom Servo] Ask your doctor
if Mucinex is right for you.
- [Joel] Oh my poor
faithful what's-his-name.
- [Crow] You were always there for me
when I needed someone to open the door.
- [Tom Servo] Well, I'm sure
someone will clean you up.
- Stay behind me.
- [Crow] Nick, I know we
haven't known each other
for very long, so this
may sound a bit forward,
but will you be my new butler?
(glass breaks)
- [Tom Servo] What?
- [Joel] He holds that gun like it's
a precious humble figure.
- [Crow] Do your stuff, Mentos.
- [Tom Servo] Sorry, I don't know why
I thought that would work.
- [Joel] Okay, I'll be honest.
I'm scared of the dark.
- [Crow] Your library book is overdue.
- [Tom Servo] Go get a rock.
- [Joel] Yeah, always
aim for the power pack.
- [Crow] Tough night for those rugs.
- [Nick] You all right?
- [Tom Servo] I hurt my rock.
- [Lilah] I'm fine.
- [Joel] "Demon Squad" was filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
- [Crow] Yeah, technically
this is a restaurant
because I live right above
the Long John Silvers.
Well, they only change the
frying oil once a week,
so it might smell a little
bit shrimpy in here.
- Living room.
Kitchen.
Bathroom.
- [Tom Servo] All the same room.
- Door slides.
Bedroom is in the back.
- [Joel] Which also slides.
- Not quite what I had pictured.
- Well, don't be too impressed.
I have Daisy come by
and clean once a week.
She has a lot of downtime.
Usually.
- You really don't have to do this, Nick.
I can get a hotel room.
- I do this for all my clients.
- [Tom Servo] Yes, I
see them under your bed.
- Well, you know.
All my attractive, single clients.
- [Crow] Oh I get it.
You're a pig.
- Well, from the way you talk.
- [Tom Servo] Gov'na.
- Most of your clients have
green scales and tentacles.
- [Tom Servo] I thought she
was gonna say testicles.
- There's a first time for everything.
- [Crow] Like brushing your teeth.
- I promised you dinner.
- [Joel] Oh!
- There's a Chinese
joint around the corner.
It's not a porterhouse, but they deliver.
- Sounds perfect.
- [Tom Servo] Neat, he
has them on no dial.
- Hey, Chuck.
- [Chuck] Oh yeah, Moon, you want one?
- Two.
Of the usual, please.
- [Chuck] Yeah, usual, one.
- No, two.
- One.
- Two.
- Oh, just for you?
- [Nick] You're killing me.
- [Crow] Aww, a boy and a girl building.
(doors sliding and banging)
- Oh, be careful.
- Hey Joel, what you working on?
- Oh, I'm just rebooting Tom's voice
so it's back to its factory settings.
If this works, you want in?
- Nah, maybe later.
You know if we got any Dunkaroos.
- I don't know.
Hey, how do you feel, Tom?
- Happy birthday.
- There you go, you got
your old voice back.
- Boy, did I miss this.
Thick and suave and sexy.
The original.
- Oh, okay, I changed my mind.
I want a new voice.
- Sorry, Charlie.
Only the best sounding
voices get to be Tom Servo.
- Oh.
- Man, I love it when a
sketch comes together.
Oh, what's that thing?
- It's intermission sign.
- Oh, right on.
- Lost in time, like tears in rain.
Man, they gave Rutger
Hauer some great lines
in "Blade Runner."
- I'll say.
Oh, we got a visitor.
- Well hello, Joel Robinson.
I thought I might take a minute
to personally introduce myself.
Pearl Forrester, mother to Clayton.
I'm sure my son must have mentioned me
somewhere along the line.
- Nope.
Never seemed to come up.
- Well, what about his daughter, Kinga?
Why, she must have been
all of four years old
by the time you came along.
- No, I don't remember him uttering
a single word about her, ma'am.
- Did he ever mention his family?
The Forresters?
Maybe in a quiet personal moment?
- We never really saw that side of him.
Help me out here, Joel, she's so needy.
- Oh.
Oh yeah, you know, I
actually, in a quieter moment,
he did once mention he liked
cars, red ones, especially.
- Well, I understand my Clayton could be
a bit of a wild soul.
Thank you for your time.
- Feels like we should
be getting movie sign
right about now.
- Yeah, that would be really helpful.
(alarm blaring)
- Oh, yes, thank you, we got movie sign!
(doors sliding and banging)
- So all of a sudden
there's a knife in my hand.
And all I can think is-
- Ouch, my hand.
- Hey pal.
I have always over-tipped you.
Wrong place, wrong time.
- [Tom Servo] Wrong hat.
- The way of my life.
- I doubt that's the whole story.
- [Crow] But don't tell me anymore.
- Broad strokes make the clearest picture.
- [Tom Serv] Ah, well, look at the time.
- You are so full of (bleep).
- That transparent, huh?
- That's way I prefer to do things.
No games.
What you see is what you get.
- Hmm.
I'd like to see a little more.
- Forward.
- No games, right?
- I bet you think you
have me all sized up.
- [Tom Servo] I might have
memorized your Facebook history.
- How about you?
Single, I take it?
- For the moment.
- Gross.
- So where's home?
You're far too interesting
to be from around here.
- [Tom Servo] The moon, duh.
- New Orleans, originally.
- [Joel] Love that chicken.
- Then I spent some time in
the UK before heading back.
After the storms, I ended up in Mobile.
- You're a survivor.
- He's not gonna give up.
- But there can be much demand here
for your particular set of skills.
- That's where you're wrong.
It's the quiet you have to look out for.
- [Joel] You mean like ninjas?
- New Orleans got too commercial.
Most of the creepy crawlers
jumped ship to Mobile.
- New Orleans' sister city.
- She's like the real deal.
- [Tom Servo] And without
the tedious arts and culture.
- Only cleaner.
- And it pays the bills?
- I'm wearing a borrowed suit.
- Technically he doesn't
have to return it.
- [Lilah] All right. (laughs)
- Enough about me?
- What about me?
- Let's talk about you.
- I thought you had me all figured out.
- There's one thing I don't get.
- [Tom Servo] Party
invites, and cryptocurrency.
Okay, two things.
- Father's missing.
(Crow snoring)
- There's rarely been a time in my life
when he wasn't missing.
- [Joel] She was raised
by a feral pile of money.
- Guess I haven't noticed the difference.
- I know the feeling.
But still.
- Oh, they both have
daddy issues, hold on.
- Some people weren't
meant to have children.
- [Crow] Pregnant pause.
- My father's one of them.
To put it bluntly, he's selfish.
You know what he gave me
for my fifth birthday?
- [Joel] Car insurance?
- Clearly not enough hugs.
- A handpick.
- Oh, nice.
- So I could help excavate.
My entire childhood
was spent being dragged
from continent to continent
so he could play in the dirt.
- What about your mother?
- [Tom Servo] That's
what he called her, Dirt.
- She was swept up in a malaria outbreak
while we were traveling through Botswana.
- [Crow] Botswana leave.
- I'm sorry.
- I've never forgiven him.
- [Tom Servo] Or his
filthy spending money.
- You must think I'm horrible.
- Not in the least.
- [Crow] My parents
gave me a hand pick too.
As a pet.
- Beautiful girl.
Is she yours?
- [Joel] No, she came with the frame.
- Yeah.
- [Tom Servo] Hi Dad.
- That's Emily.
- She looks like you.
Do you see her much?
- [Crow] Well, yeah, her
picture's right there.
- When your daughter
wakes you up at two a.m.
claiming there's a monster under her bed,
she shouldn't be right.
- [Joel] Mm, my handpick story was sadder.
- So she lives with her mom.
- [Tom Servo] And her
boyfriend, Nosferatu.
- You're not as tough as
you want people to think.
- I'm pretty tough.
- [Crow] I brought protection.
- You know how to use it?
- It's no elephant gun,
but I think I can manage.
- Good.
If anyone comes to that door, shoot 'em.
- [Joel] He's gone.
- Is this enough to stop
one of those things?
- Salt tipped iron rounds.
They'll drop almost anything.
- What are you going to do?
- [Tom Servo] I just ate 14 dumplings.
What do you think?
- Keep you safe.
- [Crow] Pennywise, the
middle school years.
- You hit like a girl.
- I can let her keep going.
You'd like that, wouldn't you Daisy?
- [Tom Servo] She paid for a
shine and she's gonna get it.
- Oh no, no, no.
No, please.
- [Joel] Dibs on his shirt.
- You got something I need.
- I can't help you.
I just can't help you, man.
- [Crow] Help him help you.
- [Nick] How about the old-fashioned way?
- [Tom Servo] Daisy, my
butter churn, if you would.
- You're gonna look awfully silly.
- [Joel] Like Ed Helms
with a saggy forehead.
- Sucking blood through a straw.
- I don't have it, man.
- But you stole it off a
corpse in the bar, right?
- [Crow] Well, it was more
of a nightclub, but yeah.
- If I would've known how much trouble
this job was gonna be, I
would've never taken it.
Every witch, ghoul, and
goblin in the damn city
is after this thing.
Why?
The sucker's powerful.
- [Tom Servo] Intense fruit flavor.
- Some wanna flip it.
Then there's others that
just wanna make it disappear.
But the rest, they
wanna harness its power.
- Go on.
- Come on, man, it's yes and.
- So if you have the core and the dagger-
- Whoa, you know about the dagger?
- [Crow] Yeah, it's on my character sheet.
- Everyone knows about the dagger.
- [Tom Servo] So much for the NDA.
- Like I said, if you have
the core and the dagger,
you can open up realms that
you've only dreamed about.
- [Joel] Like Dynotopia?
- If we're done here, I'll just be going.
- Wait.
- Not so fast, slick.
Last question.
Answer it truthfully.
And I'll let you walk.
Maybe you can get out of town before
The Stranger fillets you.
- Promise?
- Cross my heart.
- And hope you die.
- Daisy?
(knife sharpening)
- [Joel] Daisy, could you
do that some other time?
- No funny business.
- [Crow] None so far.
- [Tom Servo] I wanted to be an actor.
- What's The Stranger planning?
- [Tom Servo] Stranger things?
- Well, he has the dagger.
So he use your imagination.
- [Crow] Hmm, dragons.
- That's all I know.
Now can I go?
- [Tom Servo] Sure, do you
need your parking validated?
- Wait, you said you'd let me go!
- And I am.
But I can't have you on the
street with these things.
- [Joel] Cavities?
- They're dangerous.
- I can be good.
I swear!
No more.
Please.
- Tell that to the girl in the garage.
- [Crow] He bit her tire flat?
- Say ah.
(vampire screaming)
♪ You'll be a dentist ♪
- [Tom Servo] Wee, again,
again, do it again!
- [Joel] Vegas, baby.
- [Crow] Man, I gotta quit doing this.
I had a loving, caring
woman in my apartment
and I left to go beat up a demon.
Who does that?
- Lilah?
- [Tom Servo] I'm feeling a bit peckish.
Leave me any dumplings?
- [Joel] Huh, I thought she'd clean up.
- [Crow] Oh, nice, a
painting of the color red.
- Lilah?
- [Tom Servo] Lulu, Lelo,
what's your name again?
- Jesus, Nick!
♪ Superstar ♪
- You all right?
- Of course.
- Why didn't you answer?
- [Crow] That's the butler's job.
- Would've ruined the surprise.
- The surprise?
- [Tom Servo] I bought you a vineyard.
- [Joel] Martha's Vineyard.
Oh.
- I'm starting to see why you're single.
- [Crow] Pretty cool, huh?
- Wow.
- Yeah, a real live woman.
- [Bots] Pretty nice.
- Something fit.
- [Joel] Wait, I don't get it.
Was she doing a puzzle or something?
- [Crow] Bed, Bath, and be gone.
- Let her go.
- [Tom Servo] You're clearly jealous.
- Morning, Nick.
- Rise and shine.
- Up and at 'em.
- Carpe diem.
- [Joel] John Lovitz?
- Haven't seen you since
the last almost apocalypse.
- Gosh, I'm flattered you
remember little old me.
- [Crow] Sure, from "Roger Rabbit."
- Looking for this?
We both know or won't
do a lick of good on me,
but I can't have you going
around hurting my pets.
Don't worry.
You can have your little toy
back at the end of class.
- [Tom Servo] But for now,
here's Lilah's book report
on "Super Fudge."
- Still dabbling, I see.
You must be a real hit at
weddings and bar mitzvahs.
- [Crow] Capes and heroes, mostly.
(Lilah gasps)
- Sorry, cold hands.
- [Tom Servo] Mm-hmm.
- [Crow] His hand feels clean and fresh.
- Good boy.
- Snausages?
- So you're here for the core?
You won't get it.
- Ooh, tough talk.
- [Tom Servo] Whatevs, Elle Wood.
- It's more than talk.
There's a Peruvian vengeance spell
that's supposed to turn a man inside out.
- [Crow] It's hilarious.
- Dying to try it out.
- Well, then I guess you would
have to find a man first.
Look, Nick, let's not
fight, for old time's sake.
- Old times weren't exactly good times.
- You and I could have
made a hell of a team.
- I don't take blood money.
- Anymore.
You don't take blood money anymore.
- [Joel] It's sticky.
- Final offer, Nick.
- Go to hell.
- [Viewers] Ooh!
- Maybe I could bring
girly here along with me.
- If you so much is touch her,
I'm gonna torch your face off.
- Gotta say, virtue
doesn't look good on you.
- [Tom Servo] Nothing looks good on me.
- [Crow] Nobody puts sweaty in a corner.
- [Joel] I was expecting spiders.
- Nick!
- [Tom Servo] Ask your
doctor before starting
cool sculpting treatment.
Side effects may include
itching, swelling,
and your imortal soul
being rotted from within.
- [Joel] Watch out, he's gonna ska!
- It'll be a whole lot worse for her.
- [Crow] 'Cause boobs!
- I'll bring you back in the loop, Nick.
I was the one who persuaded Miss Fontaine
to have you investigate the dagger
in hopes that you would find its core.
Imagine my delight to
know that I had played
matchmaker in the process.
- [Tom Servo] I should have swiped left.
- I'm sorry, Nick.
I didn't have a choice.
- So you kidnapped Lilah's father?
- But he proved to be useless.
- You son of a-
- Don't get me wrong.
The torture was fun.
- [Crow] Disagree.
- But the information was lacking.
So I used him to get to Lilah,
and now I have Lilah to motivate you.
- [Joel] And what's my motivation?
- Find me that core, Nick.
- [Tom Servo] No, not your core.
- [Crow] Here, burn this.
- [Joel] Okay, let's see.
Sepia, no, vintage.
Ah.
♪ Purple wall ♪
♪ Purple wall ♪
- There it is.
- I'll take your word for it.
♪ It was a raspberry doorway ♪
- [Joel] Oh, they just
switched bodies, didn't they?
- Blood seal.
Come on.
- [Tom Servo] Guess demons
only mod out doorways.
(muffled shouting)
(gunshot bangs)
- [Crow] Papa Smurf!
- [Joel] Hey baby, you remember
where you put my remote?
- You hurt?
- No, he did touch me.
How did you know where to find me?
- Made a deal with the devil.
- Oh, Nick.
- It's who you know.
- [Daisy] Moon?
(Crow creaking)
- [Joel] Oh, you dear heart.
You brought the rest of the Chinese food.
- [Tom Servo] Pizza, pizza.
- I think this is part of
the guy from the alley.
- These are the missing body parts
from Bert's mutilation case?
- Parts.
But they're parts.
- [Daisy] Where are the rest?
- [Crow] You'll never get...
Me Lucky Charms though.
- I think the doctor is in.
- And there's a copay.
- Stay with me.
What is this?
Huh?
- Low budget hell.
- What is it?
- Leftovers.
- Stranger has what he needs.
- For what?
- Spaghetti night.
He's building a better demon.
To cleanse the realm of
filth like the three of you.
Human.
- Hey!
- [Joel] Forget it, Nick.
It's demon town.
- He's gone.
- [Tom Servo] But our life
as one had just started.
We were gonna build a
cabin together in Montana.
(doors sliding and banging)
- Ha ha, hey everybody, we're Demonprov.
We're gonna do a show for you completely
made up on the spot.
- Instant theater.
- Just add laughs!
- A totally ad-libbed show?
- They'll never pull it off.
- Okay, we just need a
suggestion from you the audience
of something you'd find in
a car's glove compartment.
- Don't be shy.
- A map.
- A flashlight, a flashlight!
- An old stick of gum!
- Perfect.
I heard "paranormal view finder."
- Oh, yeah.
- Come on fellas, time to
improv the crap out of this.
I got a midnight set at Zany's.
- Wait, who books that?
Oh, whoa, I can see into
the spirit realm, whoa!
- Let's drive there in our car!
(Crow imitating an engine)
- Sure is a good thing we're so close.
(Crow screeches)
- [All Three] Del Close!
(Kinga laughing)
- Max, Max, I'm buying into this big time.
It's such low overhead.
All you need is a microphone and some
desperate comedy nerds.
- And now a restaurant scene.
Hello, sir, may I take your order?
- Ooh, I'm a ghost.
Can I see your breakfast specials?
- And scene.
- Seamless.
- Anything can happen in improv?
- Haha, thanks everybody, we're Demonprov!
- Subscribe to our
Patreon for more content!
- Yes, and-
- Oh, we got movie sign!
(alarm blaring)
(doors sliding and banging)
Whoa, did they have to
buy that car beach tags?
It's so expensive and you never know
if you're going back that summer.
- Everything I told you about myself
in this case was the truth.
The Stranger still has my father,
and while we may not get along,
I'd like to have him back.
- [Crow] Or find a new butler, either or.
- Do what we can.
- Keep on trucking.
Put the lime in the coconut.
- How angry are you?
- [Joel] I don't know.
How angry would you feel if you
just lost your favorite hat?
- I'm not.
I get it.
I've been there a couple times too.
- [Crow] How many dads does he have?
- If anything I'm angry at
myself for not picking up on it.
You're quite a distraction.
- [Tom Servo] What every
woman wants to hear.
- Maybe we can try again
once all this is over?
- I'd like that very much.
- [Tom Servo] But next time
I'm laying off the dumplings.
Oof.
(Daisy clears throat)
- [Crow] We really gotta get a new sitter.
This one's a total killjoy.
- [Tom Servo] As if.
- [Joel] Wait, who brings a
crossbow to a Cracker Barrel?
- Dad?
- [Crow] Indoor voices, please.
- Dad?
- Thank you.
- Professor Fontaine?
- [Tom Servo] Wow, Guillermo
Del Toro's garage sale.
- [Crow] Parkour!
- [Joel] Was this guy possessed
by a Cadbury cream egg?
- [Crow] Don't make fun of him.
He's all tuckered out from
his journey through hell.
I bet he's chasing rabbits.
(Tom Servo snoring)
- [Joel] You're gonna want
to get that looked at.
- [Crow] And in recognition of your noble
and distinguished service to the realm,
I dub thee stabbed in the neck!
- [Tom Servo] My one weakness,
a firm but gentle push.
- [Joel] Oh, I struggle with
this boss in Resident Evil too.
- [Crow] Oh, an omelet bar!
- [Tom Servo] Gassy.
- [Daisy] What's it doing?
- It's a millennium old.
Doesn't have the energy.
Not yet, anyway.
- [Tom Servo] Don't shoot.
- Well done, Nick.
You found the girl.
- Excuse me.
- I boofed.
- [Joel] Lentils.
- [Crow] If only they'd had
a full four seconds warning
to get outta the way!
- Professor Fontine.
- [Tom Servo] Pause.
Where is he?
- Where's my father?
- [Joel] And my handpick!
- [Crow] Daddy's little MacGuffin.
- You don't see him?
There's some there.
(Joel imitates flatulence)
Oh, and there.
(Joel imitates flatulence)
And a little bit down there.
(Joel imitates flatulence)
- You're lying.
- [Joel] My dad was
blood free for decades!
- [Stranger] Tie them up.
- [Crow] Southern High,
home of the Fighting Pecans.
- I'm sorry.
- [Joel] Don't apologize
to me or anything.
- Lilah.
- [Crow] Look who got
turned during the disco era.
- You again?
- Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this.
- [Tom Servo] Right in the deep South.
- That's quite enough.
Let's leave something
for our boy to chew on.
- So you build a better monster.
Big deal.
We'll find a way to kill it.
- No, I don't think so.
I was very choosy about the parts used.
He's comprised of the best of us.
All of our strengths and
none of our weaknesses.
(Joel imitates flatulence)
It's not just a better
monster, Miss O'Reilly.
It's a game changer.
- And now you finished Frankendemon here,
and you're gonna let
him loose on this realm.
- One point to Mr. Moon.
- Ding.
- But who would be left?
- My followers and I.
Our brotherhood of ghouls.
- I'm sorry.
- Line?
- The brotherhood of?
- Line?
- Girls?
- [Tom Servo] Right in the misogyny.
- In this day, isn't
brotherhood a little sexist?
- [Joel] It is, yeah.
- She said it!
- Sorry.
- I used to think your
tough guy act was amusing,
but now it's really
starting to piss me off.
- Glad to hear it.
- No.
- Groin shots only.
- The great Nick Moon, able
to get out of any scrape
with some fast talking
and a twinkle in his eye.
Well, you can't cute
your way out of this one.
- [Tom Servo] I can twy.
- I'm going to cleanse this realm.
- That means-
- Hey, back here.
Thank you.
- Humanity.
Creatures of the night
are the rightful rulers
of this world, and we're coming out
of the shadows to take back what's ours.
- [Crow] Carl's Jr.
- You're flirting with me.
- [Tom Servo] No.
- This is flirting, right?
- [Crow] Check your DMs.
- [Joel] Drinks at eight?
Don't be late.
- [Crow] Have you tried
turning him off and on again?
- [Joel] Have you tried
jiggling the thing?
- [Tom Servo] Have you tried acquiring
an ancient magical dagger
that has a missing power core?
- [Crow] Hmm, it says
"best if used by 2212 AD."
We're in luck!
(electricity buzzes)
- [Joel] If you love what you do,
you don't work a day in your life!
- [Tom Servo] I brought your
favorite, Jolly Ranchers.
(electricity buzzing)
(Crow shouting)
- [Joel] Ah, migrane.
- [Tom Servo] Untie me, or whatevs.
- [Crow] Whoa, you're into this stuff?
Note to self.
- Stand.
- [Joel] Okay, yeah, I'm
still a little light sensing,
but it's cool.
- We'll get through this.
- Is hugging that difficult?
- You have my word.
- [Crow] Now let's go mop up your dad.
- [Nick] Hey!
- [Tom Servo] I tied up your hands.
How are you talking?
- There's one tiny problem with your plan.
- What's that?
- [Joel] He's not sweaty enough.
- You're not an Old One.
- [Crow] Okay, Boomer.
- Do your thing!
- [Joel] Wait, what's my thing?
- [Crow] Crap, sorry.
- Please!
- [Joel] Yeah, I got this.
Just gimme a sec.
(Stranger shouts)
- [Tom Servo] Oh geez.
No, no, no.
I'll clean it up.
- Go, go, go, go.
- [Crow] Oh, I'm an idiot.
- [Joel] I'm a monster.
- Anything but an Old One
has a target on its back.
We need to pull the plug.
It's the only way to stop him.
- You think he can get close enough?
- [Tom Servo] Invade his personal space?
Sure!
- Better me than you, and
the rest of the damn world.
- [Crow] But who will be my butler?
- [Tom Servo] I'm not sorry.
- Have an idea.
- [Tom Servo] Finally, some me time.
- What are you...
- Moon!
- [Crow] Okay, gonna need a larger hanger
from which to suspend my disbelief.
- [Joel] Guys, guys, this isn't
how the Force works at all.
- Daisy.
- [Tom Servo] When'd
you learn to teleport?
- Not liking this plan, Moon.
- [Crow] Okay, time out,
time out, time out, time out.
Okay, time in!
- [Joel] Okay, here's
the wind up and the pitch
and it's slow and outside.
(electricity buzzing)
- [Nick] Lilah, no!
- [Tom Servo] I got nothing.
- Daisy.
- [Crow] Reboot Lilah.
- [Joel] Oh, you mean literally?
- [Tom Servo] Scramble him!
- [Crow] Hard boiled!
- [Joel] Over easy for me.
- What you want?
Come and get it.
You son of a bitch.
- [Tom Servo] Rock beats
Frankendemon every time.
- [Crow] Whoa, wait, I'm
like a good guy again.
- [Joel] I'll just slide myself out.
♪ It's something unpredictable ♪
♪ But in the end it's right ♪
♪ I hope you had the time of your life ♪
- [Crow] Rosebud.
- [Joel] Nick's in The Blue Man Group?
- Hey, down in front, we're
trying to watch "Cosmos."
- [Crow] All his clenched fist
training had really paid off.
- [Joel] Oh, and that's a wrap on Sauron.
- [Tom Servo] Timber beam.
Let's move in together.
- Let's get the hell outta here.
- [Crow] Lilah had the car keys.
- [Joel] Step on a crack,
break your mom's back.
Step in a puddle, your girlfriend
winks out of existence?
♪ I dunno who I wanna take me home ♪
- [Crow] Hey, I didn't miss
your poetry slam, did I?
- Mind if I join you?
- [Joel] I'm from earlier in the movie.
- How'd you find me?
- Trail of sweat.
- Well, Daisy said you were
drinking your days away.
So I knocked on every bar door.
Until I found you.
- [Crow] Also, your
other shirt was outside.
- Persistent.
- [GPC] Oh, I think someone
needs a little Chumba Wumba.
This place have a jukebox?
- What did this one cost you, Nick?
- Cost?
- About tree fitty.
- No.
Let me tell you what I gained.
- [Crow] A magical
summer I'll never forget.
- I gained...
- [Joel] Nick, unmute.
- 12 bruises.
- Who counts bruises?
- Possible cracked rib.
Still haven't seen the doc on that one.
A gash that may or may not scar.
- [Crow] Bleah, hot beer.
- And here's the kicker.
A dead girlfriend on the other side
of an interdimentional portal.
- [Joel] Yeah, yeah, we're long distance.
- Bet no one else has one of those.
- [Tom Servo] Star Lord, hello?
- Bert, I'm a rich man.
Next round's on me.
- [Crow] Us too.
You owe us!
- Well, I'm glad to
see you taking as well.
- [Tom Servo] Thanks.
- You know, Daisy told me about Lilah.
If she was that special, you
would make her death count.
- [Joel] One dead girlfriend, ah ah ah.
- You'd take all that pain.
All the pain you got.
And use it to do something good.
- [Tom Servo] Like a bookmobile.
- For her.
- Or you, your call.
- I'm never getting away from this crap.
Am I?
- Well, it's just a great
big part of you, Nick.
The big, mostly sucky part of you.
- [Tom Servo] Yeah, let
me just run down the list.
- But you got people.
- And lots of demons.
- I don't wanna get all
touchy feely with you.
- [Crow] But I will.
- If you're willing to talk, there are
some of us who listen.
- Not me, but others.
- And you know what?
- I'm not actually here.
- We don't always hate your guts.
- [Joel] These beers don't have labels.
- Thanks, Bert.
- Oops, that slipped out.
- It's the rest of us who
should be thanking you.
When our world's on a
brink of destruction,
or invasion, or whatever.
- [Crow] Or whatevs.
- You're always there
to pull us off the fire.
Just a shame no one will ever know.
- [Joel] Or care.
- I'm not in it for the notoriety.
- I know.
But what are you in it for?
- [Tom Servo] Free daggers, mostly.
- Figure that one out...
And you can make an
even bigger difference.
- [Crow] Take a look.
It's in a book.
A reading rainbow.
- [Joel] I think there's
some more booze over there.
- [Tom Servo] Oh, the
Empire State Building
really let itself go.
- [Crow] Must be a big day.
She's wearing her formal flannel.
- Nick?
- [Joel] Aruba.
Why didn't I just
teleport myself to Aruba?
Whatevs.
- [Tom Servo] A rummage sale, fun!
(Nick groans)
- Overpriced junk.
- [Crow] That's Ms. Junk to yo!
- I'm glad you're here.
Why don't you finish putting
this thing together, huh?
- [Joel] Yeah, put together the laptop?
- Is that coffee?
- [Tom Servo] Coffee, I was boiling water.
- Just put on a fresh pot.
- [Crow] Is it even on?
- Linen or glossy?
- [Joel] We each get one, see?
- What the hell's going on?
- Figured if we're gonna do this,
we might as well do it right.
And I need a partner.
Somebody I can count on to watch my back.
Now.
- Hairball.
- I can't guarantee your safety.
Hell, I can't even
guarantee your paycheck.
But what I can't promise you
is one hell of an adventure.
- [Crow] Don't I already work here?
- You in?
- [Joel] Ew, I know where that's been.
- [Tom Servo] Little Orphan
Annie is all growed up.
- You got yourself a partner.
- [Crow] Ow, ow, ah.
(phone ringing)
- [Joel] Oh, it's the Academy.
Answer it?
- Full Moon, Inc.?
- [Tom Servo] Tattoo parlor.
Who'da thunk it?
- Yes, we're serious.
- [Crow] Time for booze.
- [Joel] Oh, my dogs are barking.
- He needs a bigger desk.
- Or a smaller fan.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- [Joel] Local heiress explodes?
- Yes ma'am.
We got a job.
- [Tom Servo] Get off my back, Mom.
- Let's go to work.
- [Crow] "Demon Squad" will
never be back in anything ever.
(doors sliding and banging)
- Whoa, it was really good
seeing you guys again.
I guess I'll see you on the flip-flop.
- Here's a list of our
favorite snack items
we'd like you to have the
next time we come over.
- Yeah, it's mostly those
weird Korean candies.
The packages are so inviting.
- Yeah, anytime we can bite
the heads off something
with room temperature
cream filling, we're there.
- All right, you knuckleheads,
as long as your aunts
Pearl and Synthia are okay with it.
- [Bots] Oh, please please please!
- Oh yeah, sure, you betcha.
Your kids can visit your
Uncle Joel any old time.
- Yeah, now hop in so we can
shuttle you back to Emily's.
Oh, she is such a good
mom, don't you think?
- Oh yeah, she really loves to fuss.
She's gonna spoil those kids.
- For sure, you know it.
(machines whirring)
(bots shout)
- Who's Emily?
- Hey, guess what?
We teach improv now.
We call it Madprov.
- Turns out you don't need a
degree or license or anything.
- [Both] Madprov!
(solemn music)
(upbeat music)
- Ooh!
Dr. Erhardt will be back from the Time Bag
any minute with an original host
from my family's maiden experiment!
- Erhardt and I drank
Kingachrome together once.
It was wild.
- Oh, hush.
- I know.
- Look, oh no, here he comes!
(spaceship whirring)
- Here you go, Kinga.
Your 100% certified,
grade-A, original host.
- Who did you bring us?
- I don't know.
I just grabbed the first SOL I could find
and threw a hook onto it.
I didn't do white guy roll call.
- Oh, cool.
It's like a prize in a box of cereal!
All right, all right.
Dr. Erhardt, let's see who you brought!
- Oh yeah, that should, oh.
Hey, hello.
Hey, can anybody hear me?
- Joel?
- [Man] Here we go.
(upbeat music)
♪ In the not-too-distant future ♪
♪ Next Sunday afternoon ♪
♪ The evil Kinga Forrester ♪
♪ Ran her empire from the moon ♪
♪ Her latest plan was the Gizmoplex ♪
♪ A twisted scheme based on stolen specs ♪
♪ Now she's pulling the strings
from the old moon base ♪
♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪
♪ With prisoners out in space ♪
♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪
♪ The worst motion picture wrecks ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to sit and watch them all ♪
♪ And we'll stream 'em at the Gizmoplex ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Now keep in mind they can't control ♪
♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪
♪ With the help of their robot friends ♪
♪ Robot roll call ♪
♪ Cambot ♪
- And action.
♪ GPC ♪
- Which one?
♪ Tom Servo ♪
- That's me!
♪ Crow ♪
♪ If you wondering how
they eat and breathe ♪
♪ And other science facts ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ Then repeat to yourself,
"it's just a show, ♪
♪ I should really just relax" ♪
♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪
- Well, well, well, Joel
Robinson in the flesh.
I am the almighty Kinga Forrester,
heir to the Mystery Science
Theater 3000 throne.
- And I'm Synthia clone, of Pearl,
who begot Clayton Forrester, who begot-
- Enough, enough, enough.
Robinson.
You look different than I remember.
- Oh, well, if Dr. Erhardt was
trying to go into the past,
he kind of screwed up.
See, I'm from the year
3000, and from the looks
of your primitive domicile, I
was pulled from your future.
- Oh, I mean, for a thousand
years old, he looks good.
- The future, huh?
Okay.
I can work with this.
- Hey, Dr. Erhardt, I haven't
seen you in several millennia.
How's the mad biz treating ya?
- You know Joel, it ebbs and flows.
More of a hobby at this point.
- I gotcha.
Really glad to hear your
voice caught up with you too.
That shrill nagging tone you always had
was really grating on the ears.
- It's a hormonal disorder,
you little piece of-
- Gentlemen!
Leave the petty name-calling to me.
Now then, Joel, where are your bots?
- Oh.
Well, they were on a space walk
when the satellite got towed.
My guess is they're still floating around
somewhere in the year
3000, which is kind of apt
when you think about
it, what with the show
being named Mystery Science
Theater 3000 and all.
(Kinga gasps)
- Erhardt, you got the
host, but not the bots?
- Hey, I kept...
I kept my end of the bargain.
You needed a host, I brought you a host.
Erhardt out.
Nice seeing you, Joel.
Glad we can be friends.
- [Joel] Hey, back at ya.
- Hey, can't we just use Emily's bots?
I mean, she's not using them right now.
- Oh, that is just a...
That's actually not the
worst idea I've ever heard.
Okay, so go get Emily's bots
from the Simulator of Love
and deposit them onto Joel's satellite.
- On it.
- Go.
- On it.
(spaceship whirring)
- So see, what you do is you always order
an Arnold Palmer, 'cause
your clients will really
sit up and take notice.
(bots gasping)
(bots shouting)
What the...
- And while we're waiting, why don't we do
the invention exchange?
Max!
- Woohoo!
Electric lassos!
Hey, Joel! (laughing)
- For the do-it-yourself
cowboy be-bopper at home!
- You get it?
Woohoo!
- I hate to tell you guys, but I think
that's an old Gallagher bit.
Actually, it probably predates
him by a couple of decades.
I think Zany Blaney might
have done it in his magic act.
And then of course, so
many of these things
originated in the bygone
era of vaudeville,
so frankly, we'll never
really know for sure.
- Of course he would know that.
- Synthia, how are
those bots coming along?
Stop it.
- I don't know how to stop it!
- Stop it!
(Max shouts)
(spaceship whirring)
(metal banging)
(bots shouting)
- Wow, hey everybody.
- Joel?
- Hey Joel.
Oh my goodness.
- You've been working out.
- Wow!
This craft looks to be at
least, what, 30 years old?
Fascinating.
- Well, actually, it's from a
thousand years in the future.
We're doing quite well, thank you.
- Hey Joel, you know how
to make an Arnold Palmer?
- Oh sure.
There's a bot who knows what he wants.
I'm impressed.
Hey, can you grab my toolbox
from under the table?
- Oh, sure thing, chief.
- Thank you.
- Here we go.
Here it is.
- Thanks very much.
Very good.
And there is your Arnold Palmer.
- Oh, wow, thanks, man.
- All right, Servo, if you don't mind,
I'm gonna go in here and do
a few minor alterations here.
- Say, that tickles.
Is this a part of the invention?
'Cause I like it.
- Well, listen, in the seventies,
mood rings were all the rage.
They allowed people to
tell what your mood was
without even talking to you.
So I'm giving Servo a mood globe
so we can identify his
ever changing moods.
- Yeah, and I'm thrilled about it.
- Yep, checks out,
yellow means he's happy.
- I feel like I can take on the world.
- Orange means he's confident,
but it kind of clashes
with your hover skirt.
- What do you mean?
You don't think it looks any good?
- No, purple means he's
searching for validation.
- Joel.
It looks good, right?
- Sure it does, buddy.
- And blue means he's calm again.
- Okay.
I'm going to endeavor to be
kind to tomorrow's Servo.
- What do you think, sirs?
- Meh.
Joel Robinson, now that you are once again
a captive of the Forrester
family experiment,
Mystery Science Theater 3000,
I hope you're prepared
for your movie today,
because it really puts the no in noir.
- If you've ever wanted to
attend a Smash Mouth concert
in a Spirit Halloween store,
and you're gonna love this.
- Nobody's looking to do that!
It's called "Demon Squad."
Flush them the movie!
(Max shouting)
Down, put it down!
- [Bonesy] Wait, who was that guy again?
- [Ardy] I'll tell you later.
Movie in the hole!
(toilet flushing)
- Oh, give it to me straight, doc.
What does pink mean?
- I think you need to get that looked at.
Whoa, we got movie sign!
(alarm blaring)
- [Crow] Let me finish my drink!
(doors sliding and banging)
(wind whistling)
So this is what it sounds
like when owls fight.
(knocking on door)
- [Tom Servo] Come on
in, the movie's open.
(viewers shout)
- [Joel] Last call, drinker Bella.
You don't gotta go home,
but you can't stay here.
- What's a demon like you
doing in a girl like that?
- What gave me away?
- In here?
Nice looking blonde who isn't
being ritually sacrificed?
Raises the red flag.
- You must be Nick Moon.
(Nick chuckles)
- Lapels and all.
- What gave me away?
- Gin soaked, dumb hat, too much swagger.
- [Tom Servo] Hi!
- You live up to your reputation.
- [Joel] Whoa, they're at a puppet bar.
- I'm flattered.
- You've made a lot of enemies.
- [Crow] Not the nose, I just had it done!
- Not the makin' friends type.
- [Tom Servo] He's the hangout
in bars with puppets type.
- Now.
- Go on.
- I hear that you're in possession
of something you shouldn't.
And I don't mean that lovely body.
- Smooth.
- Little old me?
- I also know you have a buyer lined up.
Some back alley stiff.
That's a literal description
from what I'm told.
- You got me, Moon.
- [Tom Servo] Oh, he had her
the second she saw that hat.
- I don't wanna make a scene, Blondie.
- [Crow] Oh, Dagwood.
- And I might like you
keep prancin' around
in that little miss co-ed.
Do this the hard way, well...
She's already dead.
- [Joel] Jim.
Sorry, I had to say it.
- You're quite the negotiator.
- Skill I picked up from my
fourth wife's divorce attorney.
- If we do this, we do it on the down low.
- [Tom Servo] Fine.
I was born on the down-low.
- [Joel] Wait, is there
a Party City back there?
- [Crow] Blue steel!
- Careful.
It could freeze like that.
- [Tom Servo] Good thing he's
wearing his tactical trilby.
- Last chance.
(man grunts)
- Last chance.
(demon spits)
- [Crow] Aww, you Blondie ink.
- Hard way it is.
- [Joel] Yeah, it is the hard
way, and we're just watching.
- [Tom Servo] Oof.
(speaking foreign language)
- [Woman] Hey.
- Keep walking.
- What do you think you're-
(gun clicks)
- Overruled.
- Odds are, you know my
name, and you know what I do.
- [Crow] And exit Scary Bradshaw.
(gunshot bangs)
- [Joel] Oh, you're a loose cannon, Moon.
I want your gun, your badge,
and your dagger on my desk
first thing in the morning.
- Now.
Where were we?
- [Tom Servo] Burger King basement.
- [Crow] Wait, hold still, I missed.
- Please.
Don't.
(speaking foreign language)
- [Joel] Whoa, that's real
Latin, this guy's legit!
(speaking foreign language)
- [Tom Servo] You gotta
remember, for Nick Moon,
this is just another Monday.
- [Joel] Wait, how do we
know he's not delusional
and didn't just straight
up kill innocent woman?
- [Tom Servo] Oh.
- [Crow] Demon booger.
Two, three days old.
- [Tom Servo] Oh, we are
so not cleaning that up.
- [Joel] Eyes Cube?
- Fellas.
(Nick grunts)
- [Tom Servo] To be fair, he
does have resting punch face.
♪ Nick Moon, Nick Moon will see you soon ♪
♪ Paranormal guy from Saskatoon ♪
- [Tom Servo] Really, he's from Canada?
- [Crow] I have no idea.
- [Joel] Isn't that the demon
head from the bar scene?
As filmmakers they've
already stopped caring.
- Rough night?
- You don't know the half of it.
- [Tom Servo] Here, grunge Moneypenny.
Throw this away for me, will ya?
- Let Moses know his
artifact's accounted for.
(Crow imitating boots squishing)
And make sure I get paid this time.
Cash.
No more checks.
- [Joel] Baby bottle pop.
- No, no, no.
- No, no, no, no.
- [Tom Servo] See, we
can both grab things.
- Drink this.
You look like death.
- [Joel] Baby bottle pop.
- And on that subject, I
am about to use this thing
for scrap, but we need something
that'll stay on more than
10 minutes at a time.
- Those things still close money, right?
- Thing's older than I am.
- Still works harder.
- Says the drunk guy.
- As I keep saying, I
would happily work hard
at the job I thought I was hired for.
- [Tom Servo] Well, I thought
I needed a jaded barista.
- We settled this.
You're lucky I even hired you.
- It helped that I was the only applicant.
- Ooh, another LinkedIn success story.
- Fudged a bit on the experience.
- Lied is a better word.
- Whatevs.
Point is, filing bad, field work good.
- Daisy!
- Nick!
- Can we do this when it feels less
like a jackhammer is sitting under my hat?
- Oh.
I'm sensing you have a hangover?
Don't forget about your 9:15.
- [Tom Servo] Ugh, jazzersize.
- [Nick] Can we cancel that, please?
- She's already in your office.
- [Joel] Wait, I got an office?
- [Crow] Oh?
- [Tom Servo] Gin breath, check.
- Daisy.
- No give backs.
(hammer banging)
- [Crow] Props provided by
Gulf Coast Goodwill stores,
Mobile, Alabama.
- Now that was gifted to
me from the Chokwe people
in Angola.
- The Mwana Po.
Young lady, death mask, representing
a female ancestor who died young.
- [Tom Servo] So you know about books too.
- Not so very common tourist knowledge.
- [Joel] Wait, did she switch to German?
- You have quite the education.
- [Crow] I went to Cornell.
- Nasty habit?
- [Tom Servo] I guess, if you
like fresh breath, what a B.
- Do you mind, Mr. Moon?
- Moo moo.
- Mooning.
- Please.
- [Tom Servo] Pretty neat, Hellboy.
- [Joel] Could you hurry?
It kind of hurts.
- So it's true.
You do have gifts.
- Parlor tricks mostly.
- Boink.
- What can I do for you, Miss?
- Fontaine.
Delilah Fontaine.
- Miss Fontaine.
- Call me Lilah.
- So, Karen.
- Leslie.
- [Crow] Sandy.
- Any relation to Charles Fontaine?
- He's my father.
- Let me stop you there.
- Tony.
- I don't do missing persons.
- I think you'll find this particular case
to be of interest.
- Look, lady, as much
as I'd like to help you,
I can't find your old man.
Doesn't matter how many
zeros you put on the check.
- [Joel] Because Nick don't do math.
- Nick, the police are investigating
my father's whereabouts.
What I need your services for is evidently
outside their field of expertise.
- [Tom Servo] Expert what?
- There's a certain artifact
belonging to my father
that's gone missing.
Detective Fortier recommended you.
- [Crow] Now hang on, I forgot.
Does one swallow gum or spit it out?
- Bert sent you, huh?
- Not my line.
- That is...
Interesting.
I'm not cheap.
- [Crow] Tell that to
the groupon I'm holding.
- The best never are.
- [Tom Servo] You win
again, Carmen San Diego.
- I need to see the crime scene.
- [Crow] It's in your bathroom, I'm sorry.
- [Joel] Oh, ah.
While you were in there,
I made two mochaccinos.
Somebody love me!
- I'm sensing-
- Direct distribution.
- You...
- Wanna come along?
- [Crow] I'd follow that trilby anywhere.
- [Joel] Oh, he asked me, he asked me!
- [Tom Servo] No brakes.
- [Joel] You rang?
- [Tom Servo] Hey, movie.
- Hey.
(Joel whistling)
Hey.
- Come on.
- Down here.
- There you go.
- Nice digs.
- Perks of being an affluent archeologist.
- [Joel] Ah, that's an oxymoron.
- Get to keep all the stuff you found.
- [Tom Servo] I guess.
- Speaking of.
Where'd your father dig
up this missing artifact?
- He didn't.
It was a recent purchase.
We kept it in the dining room.
- Of course.
- Aww, he's adorable.
- The dinner guests.
- That's the entire point
of having one of a kind.
Why have it if you can't
make your peers jealous?
Through here.
- [Crow] So what is this place?
An Ikea for rich people?
- [Tom Servo] Hey, you've got
a table, I've heard of these.
Let's eat something off it!
- Whiskey sour if you have it.
- It's 10 a.m..
- Oh, maybe just a screwdriver then?
- [Joel] Blink, blink,
blink, blink, blink, blink.
- We'll have coffee, black.
- [Crow] Jeeves, you heard the lady.
Coffee, black.
- Do you have an alarm in this place?
- It was deactivated and
ripped from the wall.
That's what's left.
- Made you look.
- So somebody had the code.
- Or obtained it from someone who did.
- My father?
- Who art in heaven?
- Somebody knew what they were doing.
Certainly knew what they were after.
- [Joel] And it wasn't tables.
- No forced entry, or exit, either.
- [Crow] Is he speaking Latin again?
- This looks a little
too crime-y for my taste.
- It's a lot of trouble
for something that can't be
easily fenced on the street, Nick.
- Note to self, sweat more.
- Any photos of this thing?
- Of course.
- [Joel] Jeeves, fetch me my Instagram.
- They're from the museum.
- [Viewers] They belong in a museum!
- Shiny, sharp.
Yep, it's a dagger.
- [Crow] Whatevs, K, bye!
- [Tom Servo] Pat Benatar
says it's authentic.
- How much did your father pay for?
- Just over 100,000.
- Doge Coin.
- Normally that's in the
lower end of his acquisitions,
but from the way you talk, it sounds like
he may have been fleeced.
- No, I say he got one hell of a deal.
- [Crow] Shoot.
- The certificate claims it's Mayan,
classic period matters, but-
- [Viewers] But?!
- It's offensively blatant
that the dagger is much older,
and definitely isn't Mayan.
- Meaning?
- Meaning.
- It's Mayan.
- Much more valuable.
Priceless, actually.
Frankly, I don't understand
how something like this
could be misidentified.
- Wikipedia.
- And from the antiquities
museum, no less.
- So my father was
conned, but in his favor?
- Yes, Chaka Conned.
- Why would someone practically
give a find like this away?
(Joel singing "Jeopardy" theme)
- [Crow] Winter's coming.
- Do you trust him?
- [Tom Servo] Which him?
- Edwin?
Absolutely.
He's been in our family
as long as I can remember.
- [Crow] They built the house around him.
- [Daisy] Oh.
- Whoa, he's Johnny Depping
pretty hard over there.
- [Nick] That's bourbon.
- [Tom Servo] Sir, that's my body bourbon.
- That alarm.
Were the police able to pull prints?
- Nothing.
- [Crow] Well then, were the
fleas able to fool Prince?
- Hit the lights.
- [Joel] Let the music move
you, lose yourself tonight.
Selena Gomez.
- What's he doing?
- [Daisy] Investigating.
- I told you the police
didn't find anything.
- Their gear wouldn't pick this up.
- [Tom Servo] Okay, Nick,
it's time to steam some punks.
- [Crow] Are those (indistinct)?
- Some kind of ectoplasmic paw print.
With a hint of...
- Cheeto dust?
- Keith Richards!
- Ham.
- Sulfur.
- Ew.
- It's humanoid.
Just not human.
- Excuse me?
So that narrows it down to, what?
34 known species in the area?
- 41, actually.
- Final offer.
- Seasonal migration.
- Known species of what?
- [Tom Servo] Mansplains.
- You know Lilah, I envy you, I really do.
There's a strange new world
out there and you're only
touching the tip of the iceberg.
- [Crow] But just the tip, cool.
- What I wouldn't give to
experience it all over again
for the first time.
- [Joel] Cool story, bro.
- Known species of what?
(phone ringing)
- Pardon me, ladies.
- [Tom Servo] Let's gesture!
- Moon.
- Hey.
I need you downtown ASAP.
- What do you have?
- [Bert] Oh, it's big mass, Nick.
And it's right up your alley.
- I'm on my way.
- [Crow] All right, Nick
Moon's carpet cleaning service
is back in business.
- Lilah.
(Joel smooches)
It was lovely meeting you.
- Only under better circumstances.
- I'll find your dagger.
You're in good hands.
Don't worry.
- Hands, got it.
- And Miss?
- O'Reilly.
- It was nice meeting you too.
- [Crow] Whatevs.
- I'll be in touch.
- [Tom Servo] And I'll
be in my money bath.
- It's okay, Jeeves.
We can let ourselves out.
- [Crow] Please do, de queen.
- Do you think it was
wise to enlist his help?
- No.
- But Lilah likey.
- But we need him.
- [Tom Servo] Mobile, the
Little Big Easy, boss golf.
- Where are we headed?
- Me?
Downtown.
I'll drop you at the office.
See what we can dig up on this dagger.
- Research?
You're kidding, right?
- Are we there yet?
Oh, wait, I'm driving.
- Fine.
You wanna come with, come with.
Just hit the books after, all right?
- [Joel] Oh, I'm gonna hit
those books so hard, you'll see.
- [Tom Servo] M-town, Cabbageville,
Mrs. Henderson's Folly.
- Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Seriously?
- [Crow] After I pushed my
way through this whole crowd?
(Nick whistles)
- Yeah, yeah, let him in.
- [Joel] And this is how
you limbo, Jimbo, bye!
- [Tom Servo] One more
look back for authenticity.
- Thanks for the call, Bert.
- Yeah.
- Where's the rest of your crew?
- They're not here.
I'm trying to keep this
one on the-down low, so.
- [Crow] I'm a barista.
- No.
She's with me.
- Daisy?
Daisy?
Yeah.
- [Joel] I broughted coffee!
- Nice to finally match
a face to the voice.
- Bert, Daisy.
Daisy, Bert.
- Thank you.
Nice of the grouch to finally let you out.
It's a pleasure.
- [Tom Servo] Ooh, buzz kill.
- Yeah, right this way.
You know, it's getting harder and harder
to keep a wrap on this
hoo-doo paranormal stuff.
It's clocking in at maybe
two, three times a week now.
- Really?
Because my business isn't
what you call booming.
- Yeah, well if it were to
me, you'd be on the payroll.
- [Crow] But what do I know?
I'm an Uber driver.
- Have you seen it yet?
- I was kind of waiting
for you to do the honors.
Might wanna brace yourself for this one.
- [Joel] Yeah, and set your
beaded necklace to stun.
- [Tom Servo] And for dessert...
(Bert groaning)
- You need a minute?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
- He wasn't fine.
- What the hell is that?
- A torso.
- Torso it seems.
- You know what I mean.
- Its a breed of demon.
Galbore, I think.
Can't be sure with so little to go on.
- [Tom Servo] Don't we know it.
- [Crow] Yes, sir.
Some people just call 'em
all demons and call it a day,
but not our man Moon.
- Yeah, but beyond the
danger it can put you in,
to not know the difference
between a Galbore
from a druid from a Cambrian, to them,
it's just plain hurtful.
(robots groan)
♪ Do do do do, Inspector Gadget ♪
- [Crow] It was grape poisoning!
(doors sliding and banging)
- Sam, I told you not to let
Nick Moon into the bar anymore.
He's killing our business.
- What do you mean, Diane?
He's an okay guy.
- No, I mean, he's actually
killing our customers.
'Cause they're demons.
(audience laughing and applauding)
(cheerful piano music)
- [Tom Servo] Feers was filmed in front of
a dead studio audience.
- I'll have a world in turmoil.
- Hey Sam.
You remember how to
make a world in turmoil?
- Yeah, I think.
Let's see, two parts
bourbon, one part seltzer,
garnished with the anger and
resentment of five generations,
add a lemon twist and serve.
(audience laughing)
- You know, Sam, I think
this is the longest
you've been single since I've known you.
How is bachelor life treating you, anyway?
- Ooh, not good, Diane.
Man, I am so randy, the next unholy freak
that walks through those
doors had better look out.
(audience laughing)
- Well, howdy do.
- Norm!
(audience applauding)
- That's my name.
Which gives you a measure
of demonic power over me.
(audience laughing)
Hey, Sammy boy, gimme a cold one.
It's five o'clock somewhere in hell.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, and here's your world in turmoil.
Please drink it slow and make
sure you got a ride home.
(cheerful piano music)
- And cut.
Yeah, I'm starting to
rethink the idea of doing
an elaborate "Cheers"
parody simply because
they had a lame dragon
puppet in the movie.
- Yeah, it did kind of
fall apart at the end.
- Well, I killed.
(audience laughing)
(alarm blaring)
- We got movie sign!
(doors sliding and banging)
- I'll look into it.
- [Joel] Meanwhile, in
the city's other building.
(phone ringing)
- [Tom Servo] Poor thing lives in her car.
- What you got?
- Whatever killed this sap
stole Fontaine's dagger.
- How can you be sure?
- The corpse is covered
with ectoplasmic residue.
- Ew.
- Just spotted my lead.
- Read everything you
can about the dagger.
Its history, uses, why
someone would need it.
- I think we know the why.
- No, hold on a second.
- [Crow] Sorry, but the
torso didn't make it.
- Party girl just found
one right behind Whirl.
This one's only missing
its left arm, though.
- [Joel] Mondays, am I right?
- Gotta scoot.
- Mah toot.
- [Crow] A boot.
- [Joel] Well hello
there, 50 shades of beige.
- Are you Paul?
- Who wants to know?
- [Tom Servo] The
International Paul Society.
- Paranormal investigators?
Am I reading this right?
- Daisy O'Reilly, I'm an
associate of Mr. Moon's.
I have a few questions
about a certain knife
the museum auctioned.
- The museum auctions many
artifacts, Miss O'Reilly.
You'll need to set an
appointment with my assistant.
- Paul.
- Dr. Betencourt.
- Sorry, Dr. Paul.
- I can't help you.
- [Crow] Come on, Daisy, use your words.
- Is this your signature?
- Yes.
- Then you can help me.
- [Joel] Sorry, but I'm
busy looking over there.
- [Tom Servo] It's the
Men's Warehouse repo men.
- Hey.
You with me?
- [Tom Servo] It's the
Men's Warehouse repo men!
- Dr. Paul.
- Not here.
Meet me at the square.
- [Crow] The square what?
- I said I can't help you, miss.
- [Crow] The square what?!
- [Joel] Battleship Park
underwritten by a generous donation
by Milton Bradley.
- [Tom Servo] Whoa, easy
there, Blandy Newman.
♪ I love Mobile ♪
- Who are you hiding from?
- Everyone, it seems.
- First off, I'm gonna need to
get that card back from you.
It's the only one we have.
- [Crow] Sorry it's so moist.
- You bent it.
- Miss O'Reilly.
- That's Dr. Miss O'Reilly.
- Does this look familiar?
- I thought we were finally
rid of that damn thing.
- It's just a knife, doc.
- Oh, it's more than just a knife.
- [Tom Servo] It's a
knife style lifestyle.
- The exact details of the
dagger are still up for debate.
- Oh, what's this?
- Inscriptions.
The language used is unknown, but predates
anything on record.
We had to cross-reference passages
from six different ancient manuscripts
just to get a gist of its
capabilities and history.
- Is this true?
- Is it still just a knife, Miss O'Reilly?
- The blade has its
own electrical current.
- Meaning theoretically it
could categorize its own cuts.
- That's handy.
- Unfortunately, that's
the bulk of what we know
about this piece.
There were mentions of
a core in its handle
that we surmise worked
much like a battery,
but nothing was ever found.
Not by us, anyway.
- No kidding.
An ancient battery.
- It is a remarkable piece.
Every underground religion and cult
with a bank account wanted it.
Most backed off, but there
was one sect that proved-
- Too hot for TV.
- Pushier than the rest.
- And you think they're
still keeping tabs.
- Oh, I know they are, Miss O'Reilly.
- [Tom Servo] It's the
Men's Warehouse repo men!
- That could be anyone.
- [Crow] It's the Men's
Warehouse repo men!
- [Tom Servo] Hey.
- [Joel] What, no third guy?
- [Tom Servo] Quick,
put on your privilege.
- [Crow] This looks like
a job for someone else!
- [Joel] Surrender Dorothy?
(Tom Servo sneezes)
- [Tom Servo] Rufio!
- Hey Moses.
Fellas, do we have to do
this every single time?
(Crow imitates bicycle horn)
You keep that up, I'm gonna
start expecting a ring.
- [Joel] No, seriously, keep it up.
This hat isn't the chick
magnet I thought it would be.
Mo.
(Joel groaning)
- Moon Pie.
You've been quiet.
I was starting to think you was dead.
- We both know that won't keep me quiet.
- It's okay, boys, he can sit.
Shoo, scoot.
- [Tom Servo] This gender reveal
party went horribly wrong.
- [Crow] Ah, there goes
Snoop Dogg and his entourage.
- Still think I'm paranoid?
- That pushy sect.
Does it have a name?
- Not one they've shared with me.
The man in charge, though, is rather tall,
well dressed, scarred.
I've said enough, Miss O'Reilly.
- [Joel] Man!
- No artifact is worth dying over.
- Well, tell that to Professor Fontaine.
- Last I heard he was
merely unaccounted for.
- Missing, dead, he ain't around.
- [Tom Servo] Round!
- My intention to put him in harm's way.
The dagger's cultural significance
precluded me from destroying it.
We did the next best thing,
wiped its existence from record.
As far as the museum is concerned,
it was merely lost in transport.
We purposely misidentified
it, and for all appearances,
put it on the auction block.
I actually made the
purchasing arrangements
with the professor myself.
He was well aware of the risk.
- [Crow] Swiper, no swiping!
- [Paul] I mentioned the dagger's core?
- [Daisy] Battery.
The dagger has enough
residual energy to cauterize,
but without the core, it can't
be used as a power source.
- [Tom Servo] Duh, what?
- Power source.
- Dammit, without a power source,
the dagger is virtually
useless to whomever has it.
- Well, that's only sorta comforting.
What does this core look like?
- Small, cylindrical, about
the size of A double a battery.
- Let him go.
- Where's the core, Pops?
- Corn Pops?
Aisle three!
- Daisy, run!
- One, two, flee!
(flesh squelches)
- [Joel] Use the handrail.
- [Tom Servo] Only the beige die young.
- Next time, bitch.
- [Crow] Whoa, what
did she ever do to you?
- Three questions, unless you
payin', then sky's the limit.
- [Joel] Thanks, Sinbad.
- Friends and family discount?
- That is a discount.
- First question.
Where can I throw my gum out?
- [Crow] My dog coughed
this up last night.
- That's business.
- Business.
- You know business is no questions asked.
- Fine.
What about this?
- [Joel] Oh, this is a little
fooler we call Find the Lady.
- Missing dagger.
What can you tell me about it?
- [Tom Servo] Very nice.
One D6 with piercing and
reach, plus two against undead.
It's a solid roll.
- Bad news.
- This dagger has ringworm.
- That's real helpful, Moses.
- Shut up for two seconds
and just listen to me.
This is something you don't mess with.
- [Joel] Om nom nom.
- Gives life or death to demons.
- Death, I get.
But life?
How?
- That's your second question.
- [Tom Servo] You wanna start with
any appetizers or anything?
- What can you tell me
about these monster murders?
The who, what, and why would be nice.
- Word on the grapevine?
- Word to your grapevine.
- That certain parts and certain organs
are being removed, correct?
- [Joel] I didn't catch any of that,
I was a million miles away.
- Who's ever doing this
has a plan, a need.
- [Tom Servo] For speed?
Ow!
- You're saying someone
needs these specific parts?
- Hey.
- Didn't come from my lips, all right?
Now, like I said before, there's
some strange folks in town,
especially in the warehouse district.
Now, I'm going to pretend
that you didn't say anything.
- [Crow] Can we pretend too?
- And I'm gonna let that
last question slide.
Now, I'll give you one more.
- [Joel] Ooh, ask for more questions.
- Phone a friend.
- Poll the audience!
- You got a suit I can borrow?
- [Joel] Mine is wet for some reason.
- You must got a date or something.
- Or something.
I'm taking a new client dinner.
- She must be a good looker.
Fix him up, boys.
- Right, kill him.
(Tom Servo scatting)
- That ain't her over there, is it?
- [Tom Servo] Just walked
in and already asking
to speak to the manager.
- The hell is she doing here?
- [Joel] Well, he's checking Tiktok.
- I expect that suit at
my office this afternoon.
- It's already on its way, Moon Pie.
- [Crow] He used to call me Moon Pie.
- [Tom Servo] He used to
call me Kevin Bacon. (snorts)
- Crowd's getting kind rough.
Now I think you two should scram.
- See you around, Moses.
- Good luck.
- [Tom Servo] Dude walks funny.
- [Crow] How about a nice Hawaiian Punch!
- Hands off.
- [Tom Servo] This ex-Pizza
Hut ain't big enough
for the two of us.
- Anyone else?
- Oh, yeah, wow.
- Sure, yeah, okay.
- Sure knows how to make enemies.
- Let's go.
- [Joel] I'm late for my shift at Target.
(gunshot bangs)
(flesh squelches)
(man screams)
- [Crow] Wilhelm!
- Oh my god.
- [Tom Servo] He's a hugger.
- [Joel] Oh, he's looking for truffles.
- Where's the core?
- Ain't got it.
(Nick shouts)
- [Crow] Zuckerberg's not aging well.
- [Tom Servo] Pete Davidson out.
- [Joel] Mr. Zuckerberg,
can I have your autograph?
- [Crow] Should have seen that coming.
- [Tom Servo] Flame on!
- [Joel] Ah, caught my
hand in the door again!
- Dammit, Moses.
- Dagger has an energy core.
Moses had you track it for him.
That's what that cylinder is.
- Where's it now?
- Wrong hands.
- [Crow] Ah, dammit, I forgot to tip.
- [Tom Servo] Ooh, look
who got Google Glass.
- While I'm out, I want you to
track down your vamp friend.
- Hold up.
You're giving me an actual assignment?
- You held your own today.
- [Tom Servo] I held what?
- Find him.
But don't make a move
until you hear from me.
- [Crow] Bang!
- Clear?
- Crystal.
Now go show off that
suit before it turns back
into a pumpkin.
- [Tom Servo] Before it
turns back into a pumpkin.
Well, maybe you are a pumpkin.
That's what I should have said.
Aw, phooey.
(doorbell rings)
- [Tom Servo] You ordered
a sweaty Alabaman?
- Good evening, Miss Fontaine.
- Nick.
- [Crow] Nope.
- Let me get my jacket.
- [Tom Servo] I had one of the chandeliers
tailored into this dress.
Do you like it?
- Hope you're not too
embarrassed to be seen with me.
- You're just full of
surprises, aren't you, Nick?
- No one ever complained
about me being dull.
- [Joel] Just Mommy.
- There's this new steakhouse on canal.
(body thuds)
- [Crow] Well, look who dropped in!
- [Tom Servo] Quick,
what's the number for CPR?
- He's dead.
- [Tom Servo] He was the only one who knew
how to work the light switch!
- [Crow] Surrender your
11 herbs and spices?
(wind whooshing)
- [Tom Servo] Ask your doctor
if Mucinex is right for you.
- [Joel] Oh my poor
faithful what's-his-name.
- [Crow] You were always there for me
when I needed someone to open the door.
- [Tom Servo] Well, I'm sure
someone will clean you up.
- Stay behind me.
- [Crow] Nick, I know we
haven't known each other
for very long, so this
may sound a bit forward,
but will you be my new butler?
(glass breaks)
- [Tom Servo] What?
- [Joel] He holds that gun like it's
a precious humble figure.
- [Crow] Do your stuff, Mentos.
- [Tom Servo] Sorry, I don't know why
I thought that would work.
- [Joel] Okay, I'll be honest.
I'm scared of the dark.
- [Crow] Your library book is overdue.
- [Tom Servo] Go get a rock.
- [Joel] Yeah, always
aim for the power pack.
- [Crow] Tough night for those rugs.
- [Nick] You all right?
- [Tom Servo] I hurt my rock.
- [Lilah] I'm fine.
- [Joel] "Demon Squad" was filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
- [Crow] Yeah, technically
this is a restaurant
because I live right above
the Long John Silvers.
Well, they only change the
frying oil once a week,
so it might smell a little
bit shrimpy in here.
- Living room.
Kitchen.
Bathroom.
- [Tom Servo] All the same room.
- Door slides.
Bedroom is in the back.
- [Joel] Which also slides.
- Not quite what I had pictured.
- Well, don't be too impressed.
I have Daisy come by
and clean once a week.
She has a lot of downtime.
Usually.
- You really don't have to do this, Nick.
I can get a hotel room.
- I do this for all my clients.
- [Tom Servo] Yes, I
see them under your bed.
- Well, you know.
All my attractive, single clients.
- [Crow] Oh I get it.
You're a pig.
- Well, from the way you talk.
- [Tom Servo] Gov'na.
- Most of your clients have
green scales and tentacles.
- [Tom Servo] I thought she
was gonna say testicles.
- There's a first time for everything.
- [Crow] Like brushing your teeth.
- I promised you dinner.
- [Joel] Oh!
- There's a Chinese
joint around the corner.
It's not a porterhouse, but they deliver.
- Sounds perfect.
- [Tom Servo] Neat, he
has them on no dial.
- Hey, Chuck.
- [Chuck] Oh yeah, Moon, you want one?
- Two.
Of the usual, please.
- [Chuck] Yeah, usual, one.
- No, two.
- One.
- Two.
- Oh, just for you?
- [Nick] You're killing me.
- [Crow] Aww, a boy and a girl building.
(doors sliding and banging)
- Oh, be careful.
- Hey Joel, what you working on?
- Oh, I'm just rebooting Tom's voice
so it's back to its factory settings.
If this works, you want in?
- Nah, maybe later.
You know if we got any Dunkaroos.
- I don't know.
Hey, how do you feel, Tom?
- Happy birthday.
- There you go, you got
your old voice back.
- Boy, did I miss this.
Thick and suave and sexy.
The original.
- Oh, okay, I changed my mind.
I want a new voice.
- Sorry, Charlie.
Only the best sounding
voices get to be Tom Servo.
- Oh.
- Man, I love it when a
sketch comes together.
Oh, what's that thing?
- It's intermission sign.
- Oh, right on.
- Lost in time, like tears in rain.
Man, they gave Rutger
Hauer some great lines
in "Blade Runner."
- I'll say.
Oh, we got a visitor.
- Well hello, Joel Robinson.
I thought I might take a minute
to personally introduce myself.
Pearl Forrester, mother to Clayton.
I'm sure my son must have mentioned me
somewhere along the line.
- Nope.
Never seemed to come up.
- Well, what about his daughter, Kinga?
Why, she must have been
all of four years old
by the time you came along.
- No, I don't remember him uttering
a single word about her, ma'am.
- Did he ever mention his family?
The Forresters?
Maybe in a quiet personal moment?
- We never really saw that side of him.
Help me out here, Joel, she's so needy.
- Oh.
Oh yeah, you know, I
actually, in a quieter moment,
he did once mention he liked
cars, red ones, especially.
- Well, I understand my Clayton could be
a bit of a wild soul.
Thank you for your time.
- Feels like we should
be getting movie sign
right about now.
- Yeah, that would be really helpful.
(alarm blaring)
- Oh, yes, thank you, we got movie sign!
(doors sliding and banging)
- So all of a sudden
there's a knife in my hand.
And all I can think is-
- Ouch, my hand.
- Hey pal.
I have always over-tipped you.
Wrong place, wrong time.
- [Tom Servo] Wrong hat.
- The way of my life.
- I doubt that's the whole story.
- [Crow] But don't tell me anymore.
- Broad strokes make the clearest picture.
- [Tom Serv] Ah, well, look at the time.
- You are so full of (bleep).
- That transparent, huh?
- That's way I prefer to do things.
No games.
What you see is what you get.
- Hmm.
I'd like to see a little more.
- Forward.
- No games, right?
- I bet you think you
have me all sized up.
- [Tom Servo] I might have
memorized your Facebook history.
- How about you?
Single, I take it?
- For the moment.
- Gross.
- So where's home?
You're far too interesting
to be from around here.
- [Tom Servo] The moon, duh.
- New Orleans, originally.
- [Joel] Love that chicken.
- Then I spent some time in
the UK before heading back.
After the storms, I ended up in Mobile.
- You're a survivor.
- He's not gonna give up.
- But there can be much demand here
for your particular set of skills.
- That's where you're wrong.
It's the quiet you have to look out for.
- [Joel] You mean like ninjas?
- New Orleans got too commercial.
Most of the creepy crawlers
jumped ship to Mobile.
- New Orleans' sister city.
- She's like the real deal.
- [Tom Servo] And without
the tedious arts and culture.
- Only cleaner.
- And it pays the bills?
- I'm wearing a borrowed suit.
- Technically he doesn't
have to return it.
- [Lilah] All right. (laughs)
- Enough about me?
- What about me?
- Let's talk about you.
- I thought you had me all figured out.
- There's one thing I don't get.
- [Tom Servo] Party
invites, and cryptocurrency.
Okay, two things.
- Father's missing.
(Crow snoring)
- There's rarely been a time in my life
when he wasn't missing.
- [Joel] She was raised
by a feral pile of money.
- Guess I haven't noticed the difference.
- I know the feeling.
But still.
- Oh, they both have
daddy issues, hold on.
- Some people weren't
meant to have children.
- [Crow] Pregnant pause.
- My father's one of them.
To put it bluntly, he's selfish.
You know what he gave me
for my fifth birthday?
- [Joel] Car insurance?
- Clearly not enough hugs.
- A handpick.
- Oh, nice.
- So I could help excavate.
My entire childhood
was spent being dragged
from continent to continent
so he could play in the dirt.
- What about your mother?
- [Tom Servo] That's
what he called her, Dirt.
- She was swept up in a malaria outbreak
while we were traveling through Botswana.
- [Crow] Botswana leave.
- I'm sorry.
- I've never forgiven him.
- [Tom Servo] Or his
filthy spending money.
- You must think I'm horrible.
- Not in the least.
- [Crow] My parents
gave me a hand pick too.
As a pet.
- Beautiful girl.
Is she yours?
- [Joel] No, she came with the frame.
- Yeah.
- [Tom Servo] Hi Dad.
- That's Emily.
- She looks like you.
Do you see her much?
- [Crow] Well, yeah, her
picture's right there.
- When your daughter
wakes you up at two a.m.
claiming there's a monster under her bed,
she shouldn't be right.
- [Joel] Mm, my handpick story was sadder.
- So she lives with her mom.
- [Tom Servo] And her
boyfriend, Nosferatu.
- You're not as tough as
you want people to think.
- I'm pretty tough.
- [Crow] I brought protection.
- You know how to use it?
- It's no elephant gun,
but I think I can manage.
- Good.
If anyone comes to that door, shoot 'em.
- [Joel] He's gone.
- Is this enough to stop
one of those things?
- Salt tipped iron rounds.
They'll drop almost anything.
- What are you going to do?
- [Tom Servo] I just ate 14 dumplings.
What do you think?
- Keep you safe.
- [Crow] Pennywise, the
middle school years.
- You hit like a girl.
- I can let her keep going.
You'd like that, wouldn't you Daisy?
- [Tom Servo] She paid for a
shine and she's gonna get it.
- Oh no, no, no.
No, please.
- [Joel] Dibs on his shirt.
- You got something I need.
- I can't help you.
I just can't help you, man.
- [Crow] Help him help you.
- [Nick] How about the old-fashioned way?
- [Tom Servo] Daisy, my
butter churn, if you would.
- You're gonna look awfully silly.
- [Joel] Like Ed Helms
with a saggy forehead.
- Sucking blood through a straw.
- I don't have it, man.
- But you stole it off a
corpse in the bar, right?
- [Crow] Well, it was more
of a nightclub, but yeah.
- If I would've known how much trouble
this job was gonna be, I
would've never taken it.
Every witch, ghoul, and
goblin in the damn city
is after this thing.
Why?
The sucker's powerful.
- [Tom Servo] Intense fruit flavor.
- Some wanna flip it.
Then there's others that
just wanna make it disappear.
But the rest, they
wanna harness its power.
- Go on.
- Come on, man, it's yes and.
- So if you have the core and the dagger-
- Whoa, you know about the dagger?
- [Crow] Yeah, it's on my character sheet.
- Everyone knows about the dagger.
- [Tom Servo] So much for the NDA.
- Like I said, if you have
the core and the dagger,
you can open up realms that
you've only dreamed about.
- [Joel] Like Dynotopia?
- If we're done here, I'll just be going.
- Wait.
- Not so fast, slick.
Last question.
Answer it truthfully.
And I'll let you walk.
Maybe you can get out of town before
The Stranger fillets you.
- Promise?
- Cross my heart.
- And hope you die.
- Daisy?
(knife sharpening)
- [Joel] Daisy, could you
do that some other time?
- No funny business.
- [Crow] None so far.
- [Tom Servo] I wanted to be an actor.
- What's The Stranger planning?
- [Tom Servo] Stranger things?
- Well, he has the dagger.
So he use your imagination.
- [Crow] Hmm, dragons.
- That's all I know.
Now can I go?
- [Tom Servo] Sure, do you
need your parking validated?
- Wait, you said you'd let me go!
- And I am.
But I can't have you on the
street with these things.
- [Joel] Cavities?
- They're dangerous.
- I can be good.
I swear!
No more.
Please.
- Tell that to the girl in the garage.
- [Crow] He bit her tire flat?
- Say ah.
(vampire screaming)
♪ You'll be a dentist ♪
- [Tom Servo] Wee, again,
again, do it again!
- [Joel] Vegas, baby.
- [Crow] Man, I gotta quit doing this.
I had a loving, caring
woman in my apartment
and I left to go beat up a demon.
Who does that?
- Lilah?
- [Tom Servo] I'm feeling a bit peckish.
Leave me any dumplings?
- [Joel] Huh, I thought she'd clean up.
- [Crow] Oh, nice, a
painting of the color red.
- Lilah?
- [Tom Servo] Lulu, Lelo,
what's your name again?
- Jesus, Nick!
♪ Superstar ♪
- You all right?
- Of course.
- Why didn't you answer?
- [Crow] That's the butler's job.
- Would've ruined the surprise.
- The surprise?
- [Tom Servo] I bought you a vineyard.
- [Joel] Martha's Vineyard.
Oh.
- I'm starting to see why you're single.
- [Crow] Pretty cool, huh?
- Wow.
- Yeah, a real live woman.
- [Bots] Pretty nice.
- Something fit.
- [Joel] Wait, I don't get it.
Was she doing a puzzle or something?
- [Crow] Bed, Bath, and be gone.
- Let her go.
- [Tom Servo] You're clearly jealous.
- Morning, Nick.
- Rise and shine.
- Up and at 'em.
- Carpe diem.
- [Joel] John Lovitz?
- Haven't seen you since
the last almost apocalypse.
- Gosh, I'm flattered you
remember little old me.
- [Crow] Sure, from "Roger Rabbit."
- Looking for this?
We both know or won't
do a lick of good on me,
but I can't have you going
around hurting my pets.
Don't worry.
You can have your little toy
back at the end of class.
- [Tom Servo] But for now,
here's Lilah's book report
on "Super Fudge."
- Still dabbling, I see.
You must be a real hit at
weddings and bar mitzvahs.
- [Crow] Capes and heroes, mostly.
(Lilah gasps)
- Sorry, cold hands.
- [Tom Servo] Mm-hmm.
- [Crow] His hand feels clean and fresh.
- Good boy.
- Snausages?
- So you're here for the core?
You won't get it.
- Ooh, tough talk.
- [Tom Servo] Whatevs, Elle Wood.
- It's more than talk.
There's a Peruvian vengeance spell
that's supposed to turn a man inside out.
- [Crow] It's hilarious.
- Dying to try it out.
- Well, then I guess you would
have to find a man first.
Look, Nick, let's not
fight, for old time's sake.
- Old times weren't exactly good times.
- You and I could have
made a hell of a team.
- I don't take blood money.
- Anymore.
You don't take blood money anymore.
- [Joel] It's sticky.
- Final offer, Nick.
- Go to hell.
- [Viewers] Ooh!
- Maybe I could bring
girly here along with me.
- If you so much is touch her,
I'm gonna torch your face off.
- Gotta say, virtue
doesn't look good on you.
- [Tom Servo] Nothing looks good on me.
- [Crow] Nobody puts sweaty in a corner.
- [Joel] I was expecting spiders.
- Nick!
- [Tom Servo] Ask your
doctor before starting
cool sculpting treatment.
Side effects may include
itching, swelling,
and your imortal soul
being rotted from within.
- [Joel] Watch out, he's gonna ska!
- It'll be a whole lot worse for her.
- [Crow] 'Cause boobs!
- I'll bring you back in the loop, Nick.
I was the one who persuaded Miss Fontaine
to have you investigate the dagger
in hopes that you would find its core.
Imagine my delight to
know that I had played
matchmaker in the process.
- [Tom Servo] I should have swiped left.
- I'm sorry, Nick.
I didn't have a choice.
- So you kidnapped Lilah's father?
- But he proved to be useless.
- You son of a-
- Don't get me wrong.
The torture was fun.
- [Crow] Disagree.
- But the information was lacking.
So I used him to get to Lilah,
and now I have Lilah to motivate you.
- [Joel] And what's my motivation?
- Find me that core, Nick.
- [Tom Servo] No, not your core.
- [Crow] Here, burn this.
- [Joel] Okay, let's see.
Sepia, no, vintage.
Ah.
♪ Purple wall ♪
♪ Purple wall ♪
- There it is.
- I'll take your word for it.
♪ It was a raspberry doorway ♪
- [Joel] Oh, they just
switched bodies, didn't they?
- Blood seal.
Come on.
- [Tom Servo] Guess demons
only mod out doorways.
(muffled shouting)
(gunshot bangs)
- [Crow] Papa Smurf!
- [Joel] Hey baby, you remember
where you put my remote?
- You hurt?
- No, he did touch me.
How did you know where to find me?
- Made a deal with the devil.
- Oh, Nick.
- It's who you know.
- [Daisy] Moon?
(Crow creaking)
- [Joel] Oh, you dear heart.
You brought the rest of the Chinese food.
- [Tom Servo] Pizza, pizza.
- I think this is part of
the guy from the alley.
- These are the missing body parts
from Bert's mutilation case?
- Parts.
But they're parts.
- [Daisy] Where are the rest?
- [Crow] You'll never get...
Me Lucky Charms though.
- I think the doctor is in.
- And there's a copay.
- Stay with me.
What is this?
Huh?
- Low budget hell.
- What is it?
- Leftovers.
- Stranger has what he needs.
- For what?
- Spaghetti night.
He's building a better demon.
To cleanse the realm of
filth like the three of you.
Human.
- Hey!
- [Joel] Forget it, Nick.
It's demon town.
- He's gone.
- [Tom Servo] But our life
as one had just started.
We were gonna build a
cabin together in Montana.
(doors sliding and banging)
- Ha ha, hey everybody, we're Demonprov.
We're gonna do a show for you completely
made up on the spot.
- Instant theater.
- Just add laughs!
- A totally ad-libbed show?
- They'll never pull it off.
- Okay, we just need a
suggestion from you the audience
of something you'd find in
a car's glove compartment.
- Don't be shy.
- A map.
- A flashlight, a flashlight!
- An old stick of gum!
- Perfect.
I heard "paranormal view finder."
- Oh, yeah.
- Come on fellas, time to
improv the crap out of this.
I got a midnight set at Zany's.
- Wait, who books that?
Oh, whoa, I can see into
the spirit realm, whoa!
- Let's drive there in our car!
(Crow imitating an engine)
- Sure is a good thing we're so close.
(Crow screeches)
- [All Three] Del Close!
(Kinga laughing)
- Max, Max, I'm buying into this big time.
It's such low overhead.
All you need is a microphone and some
desperate comedy nerds.
- And now a restaurant scene.
Hello, sir, may I take your order?
- Ooh, I'm a ghost.
Can I see your breakfast specials?
- And scene.
- Seamless.
- Anything can happen in improv?
- Haha, thanks everybody, we're Demonprov!
- Subscribe to our
Patreon for more content!
- Yes, and-
- Oh, we got movie sign!
(alarm blaring)
(doors sliding and banging)
Whoa, did they have to
buy that car beach tags?
It's so expensive and you never know
if you're going back that summer.
- Everything I told you about myself
in this case was the truth.
The Stranger still has my father,
and while we may not get along,
I'd like to have him back.
- [Crow] Or find a new butler, either or.
- Do what we can.
- Keep on trucking.
Put the lime in the coconut.
- How angry are you?
- [Joel] I don't know.
How angry would you feel if you
just lost your favorite hat?
- I'm not.
I get it.
I've been there a couple times too.
- [Crow] How many dads does he have?
- If anything I'm angry at
myself for not picking up on it.
You're quite a distraction.
- [Tom Servo] What every
woman wants to hear.
- Maybe we can try again
once all this is over?
- I'd like that very much.
- [Tom Servo] But next time
I'm laying off the dumplings.
Oof.
(Daisy clears throat)
- [Crow] We really gotta get a new sitter.
This one's a total killjoy.
- [Tom Servo] As if.
- [Joel] Wait, who brings a
crossbow to a Cracker Barrel?
- Dad?
- [Crow] Indoor voices, please.
- Dad?
- Thank you.
- Professor Fontaine?
- [Tom Servo] Wow, Guillermo
Del Toro's garage sale.
- [Crow] Parkour!
- [Joel] Was this guy possessed
by a Cadbury cream egg?
- [Crow] Don't make fun of him.
He's all tuckered out from
his journey through hell.
I bet he's chasing rabbits.
(Tom Servo snoring)
- [Joel] You're gonna want
to get that looked at.
- [Crow] And in recognition of your noble
and distinguished service to the realm,
I dub thee stabbed in the neck!
- [Tom Servo] My one weakness,
a firm but gentle push.
- [Joel] Oh, I struggle with
this boss in Resident Evil too.
- [Crow] Oh, an omelet bar!
- [Tom Servo] Gassy.
- [Daisy] What's it doing?
- It's a millennium old.
Doesn't have the energy.
Not yet, anyway.
- [Tom Servo] Don't shoot.
- Well done, Nick.
You found the girl.
- Excuse me.
- I boofed.
- [Joel] Lentils.
- [Crow] If only they'd had
a full four seconds warning
to get outta the way!
- Professor Fontine.
- [Tom Servo] Pause.
Where is he?
- Where's my father?
- [Joel] And my handpick!
- [Crow] Daddy's little MacGuffin.
- You don't see him?
There's some there.
(Joel imitates flatulence)
Oh, and there.
(Joel imitates flatulence)
And a little bit down there.
(Joel imitates flatulence)
- You're lying.
- [Joel] My dad was
blood free for decades!
- [Stranger] Tie them up.
- [Crow] Southern High,
home of the Fighting Pecans.
- I'm sorry.
- [Joel] Don't apologize
to me or anything.
- Lilah.
- [Crow] Look who got
turned during the disco era.
- You again?
- Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this.
- [Tom Servo] Right in the deep South.
- That's quite enough.
Let's leave something
for our boy to chew on.
- So you build a better monster.
Big deal.
We'll find a way to kill it.
- No, I don't think so.
I was very choosy about the parts used.
He's comprised of the best of us.
All of our strengths and
none of our weaknesses.
(Joel imitates flatulence)
It's not just a better
monster, Miss O'Reilly.
It's a game changer.
- And now you finished Frankendemon here,
and you're gonna let
him loose on this realm.
- One point to Mr. Moon.
- Ding.
- But who would be left?
- My followers and I.
Our brotherhood of ghouls.
- I'm sorry.
- Line?
- The brotherhood of?
- Line?
- Girls?
- [Tom Servo] Right in the misogyny.
- In this day, isn't
brotherhood a little sexist?
- [Joel] It is, yeah.
- She said it!
- Sorry.
- I used to think your
tough guy act was amusing,
but now it's really
starting to piss me off.
- Glad to hear it.
- No.
- Groin shots only.
- The great Nick Moon, able
to get out of any scrape
with some fast talking
and a twinkle in his eye.
Well, you can't cute
your way out of this one.
- [Tom Servo] I can twy.
- I'm going to cleanse this realm.
- That means-
- Hey, back here.
Thank you.
- Humanity.
Creatures of the night
are the rightful rulers
of this world, and we're coming out
of the shadows to take back what's ours.
- [Crow] Carl's Jr.
- You're flirting with me.
- [Tom Servo] No.
- This is flirting, right?
- [Crow] Check your DMs.
- [Joel] Drinks at eight?
Don't be late.
- [Crow] Have you tried
turning him off and on again?
- [Joel] Have you tried
jiggling the thing?
- [Tom Servo] Have you tried acquiring
an ancient magical dagger
that has a missing power core?
- [Crow] Hmm, it says
"best if used by 2212 AD."
We're in luck!
(electricity buzzes)
- [Joel] If you love what you do,
you don't work a day in your life!
- [Tom Servo] I brought your
favorite, Jolly Ranchers.
(electricity buzzing)
(Crow shouting)
- [Joel] Ah, migrane.
- [Tom Servo] Untie me, or whatevs.
- [Crow] Whoa, you're into this stuff?
Note to self.
- Stand.
- [Joel] Okay, yeah, I'm
still a little light sensing,
but it's cool.
- We'll get through this.
- Is hugging that difficult?
- You have my word.
- [Crow] Now let's go mop up your dad.
- [Nick] Hey!
- [Tom Servo] I tied up your hands.
How are you talking?
- There's one tiny problem with your plan.
- What's that?
- [Joel] He's not sweaty enough.
- You're not an Old One.
- [Crow] Okay, Boomer.
- Do your thing!
- [Joel] Wait, what's my thing?
- [Crow] Crap, sorry.
- Please!
- [Joel] Yeah, I got this.
Just gimme a sec.
(Stranger shouts)
- [Tom Servo] Oh geez.
No, no, no.
I'll clean it up.
- Go, go, go, go.
- [Crow] Oh, I'm an idiot.
- [Joel] I'm a monster.
- Anything but an Old One
has a target on its back.
We need to pull the plug.
It's the only way to stop him.
- You think he can get close enough?
- [Tom Servo] Invade his personal space?
Sure!
- Better me than you, and
the rest of the damn world.
- [Crow] But who will be my butler?
- [Tom Servo] I'm not sorry.
- Have an idea.
- [Tom Servo] Finally, some me time.
- What are you...
- Moon!
- [Crow] Okay, gonna need a larger hanger
from which to suspend my disbelief.
- [Joel] Guys, guys, this isn't
how the Force works at all.
- Daisy.
- [Tom Servo] When'd
you learn to teleport?
- Not liking this plan, Moon.
- [Crow] Okay, time out,
time out, time out, time out.
Okay, time in!
- [Joel] Okay, here's
the wind up and the pitch
and it's slow and outside.
(electricity buzzing)
- [Nick] Lilah, no!
- [Tom Servo] I got nothing.
- Daisy.
- [Crow] Reboot Lilah.
- [Joel] Oh, you mean literally?
- [Tom Servo] Scramble him!
- [Crow] Hard boiled!
- [Joel] Over easy for me.
- What you want?
Come and get it.
You son of a bitch.
- [Tom Servo] Rock beats
Frankendemon every time.
- [Crow] Whoa, wait, I'm
like a good guy again.
- [Joel] I'll just slide myself out.
♪ It's something unpredictable ♪
♪ But in the end it's right ♪
♪ I hope you had the time of your life ♪
- [Crow] Rosebud.
- [Joel] Nick's in The Blue Man Group?
- Hey, down in front, we're
trying to watch "Cosmos."
- [Crow] All his clenched fist
training had really paid off.
- [Joel] Oh, and that's a wrap on Sauron.
- [Tom Servo] Timber beam.
Let's move in together.
- Let's get the hell outta here.
- [Crow] Lilah had the car keys.
- [Joel] Step on a crack,
break your mom's back.
Step in a puddle, your girlfriend
winks out of existence?
♪ I dunno who I wanna take me home ♪
- [Crow] Hey, I didn't miss
your poetry slam, did I?
- Mind if I join you?
- [Joel] I'm from earlier in the movie.
- How'd you find me?
- Trail of sweat.
- Well, Daisy said you were
drinking your days away.
So I knocked on every bar door.
Until I found you.
- [Crow] Also, your
other shirt was outside.
- Persistent.
- [GPC] Oh, I think someone
needs a little Chumba Wumba.
This place have a jukebox?
- What did this one cost you, Nick?
- Cost?
- About tree fitty.
- No.
Let me tell you what I gained.
- [Crow] A magical
summer I'll never forget.
- I gained...
- [Joel] Nick, unmute.
- 12 bruises.
- Who counts bruises?
- Possible cracked rib.
Still haven't seen the doc on that one.
A gash that may or may not scar.
- [Crow] Bleah, hot beer.
- And here's the kicker.
A dead girlfriend on the other side
of an interdimentional portal.
- [Joel] Yeah, yeah, we're long distance.
- Bet no one else has one of those.
- [Tom Servo] Star Lord, hello?
- Bert, I'm a rich man.
Next round's on me.
- [Crow] Us too.
You owe us!
- Well, I'm glad to
see you taking as well.
- [Tom Servo] Thanks.
- You know, Daisy told me about Lilah.
If she was that special, you
would make her death count.
- [Joel] One dead girlfriend, ah ah ah.
- You'd take all that pain.
All the pain you got.
And use it to do something good.
- [Tom Servo] Like a bookmobile.
- For her.
- Or you, your call.
- I'm never getting away from this crap.
Am I?
- Well, it's just a great
big part of you, Nick.
The big, mostly sucky part of you.
- [Tom Servo] Yeah, let
me just run down the list.
- But you got people.
- And lots of demons.
- I don't wanna get all
touchy feely with you.
- [Crow] But I will.
- If you're willing to talk, there are
some of us who listen.
- Not me, but others.
- And you know what?
- I'm not actually here.
- We don't always hate your guts.
- [Joel] These beers don't have labels.
- Thanks, Bert.
- Oops, that slipped out.
- It's the rest of us who
should be thanking you.
When our world's on a
brink of destruction,
or invasion, or whatever.
- [Crow] Or whatevs.
- You're always there
to pull us off the fire.
Just a shame no one will ever know.
- [Joel] Or care.
- I'm not in it for the notoriety.
- I know.
But what are you in it for?
- [Tom Servo] Free daggers, mostly.
- Figure that one out...
And you can make an
even bigger difference.
- [Crow] Take a look.
It's in a book.
A reading rainbow.
- [Joel] I think there's
some more booze over there.
- [Tom Servo] Oh, the
Empire State Building
really let itself go.
- [Crow] Must be a big day.
She's wearing her formal flannel.
- Nick?
- [Joel] Aruba.
Why didn't I just
teleport myself to Aruba?
Whatevs.
- [Tom Servo] A rummage sale, fun!
(Nick groans)
- Overpriced junk.
- [Crow] That's Ms. Junk to yo!
- I'm glad you're here.
Why don't you finish putting
this thing together, huh?
- [Joel] Yeah, put together the laptop?
- Is that coffee?
- [Tom Servo] Coffee, I was boiling water.
- Just put on a fresh pot.
- [Crow] Is it even on?
- Linen or glossy?
- [Joel] We each get one, see?
- What the hell's going on?
- Figured if we're gonna do this,
we might as well do it right.
And I need a partner.
Somebody I can count on to watch my back.
Now.
- Hairball.
- I can't guarantee your safety.
Hell, I can't even
guarantee your paycheck.
But what I can't promise you
is one hell of an adventure.
- [Crow] Don't I already work here?
- You in?
- [Joel] Ew, I know where that's been.
- [Tom Servo] Little Orphan
Annie is all growed up.
- You got yourself a partner.
- [Crow] Ow, ow, ah.
(phone ringing)
- [Joel] Oh, it's the Academy.
Answer it?
- Full Moon, Inc.?
- [Tom Servo] Tattoo parlor.
Who'da thunk it?
- Yes, we're serious.
- [Crow] Time for booze.
- [Joel] Oh, my dogs are barking.
- He needs a bigger desk.
- Or a smaller fan.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- [Joel] Local heiress explodes?
- Yes ma'am.
We got a job.
- [Tom Servo] Get off my back, Mom.
- Let's go to work.
- [Crow] "Demon Squad" will
never be back in anything ever.
(doors sliding and banging)
- Whoa, it was really good
seeing you guys again.
I guess I'll see you on the flip-flop.
- Here's a list of our
favorite snack items
we'd like you to have the
next time we come over.
- Yeah, it's mostly those
weird Korean candies.
The packages are so inviting.
- Yeah, anytime we can bite
the heads off something
with room temperature
cream filling, we're there.
- All right, you knuckleheads,
as long as your aunts
Pearl and Synthia are okay with it.
- [Bots] Oh, please please please!
- Oh yeah, sure, you betcha.
Your kids can visit your
Uncle Joel any old time.
- Yeah, now hop in so we can
shuttle you back to Emily's.
Oh, she is such a good
mom, don't you think?
- Oh yeah, she really loves to fuss.
She's gonna spoil those kids.
- For sure, you know it.
(machines whirring)
(bots shout)
- Who's Emily?
- Hey, guess what?
We teach improv now.
We call it Madprov.
- Turns out you don't need a
degree or license or anything.
- [Both] Madprov!
(solemn music)
(upbeat music)